Mystery Usenet 3000: Trials and Tubby-lations Original Stories by: Sasscat Bu-to-y, Deslea R. Judd, and Mary Wiecek. MiSTing by Matthew Blackwell, Doug Atkinson, and Andrew Perron [Season 9 Opening] [The scene opens upon the bridge of the Satellite of Love. The usual occupants of the Bridge are absent. Rather, four brightly colored, fuzzy humanoid beings, each standing between 8-10 feet tall, romp about the Bridge. After a few moments, Mike Nelson, dressed in a bathrobe, and Gypsy enter from opposite sides of the Bridge. Neither seems to notice the other occupants.] Gypsy: Morning Mike! Mike: [Yawning] Morning Gypsy. Gypsy: Did you catch the game last night? [The yellow colored being walks over to Gypsy and begins to stare intently at her from mere inches away.] Mike: Yeah. I can't believe that the Cubs lost again. [The red being begins to speak in a childish voice.] Red: Eh oh. 'Ubs 'ost. Gypsy: You'd think that having Sosa on the team would help them win some games, but no. Mike: They're cursed. [Yawn] Is the coffee ready? [The large blue humanoid walks over to Mike carrying a coffee cup. Mike takes the cup from him without glancing at him and begins to drink.] Mike: Ummm. Thanks Gypsy. That's damn fine coffee. [The beings begin to talk in unison.] Beings: Offie! Offie! [Mike continues to drink his coffee. Gypsy merely stands there. After a moment or two, a dazed looking Tom Servo enters from the left, staring at something offscreen.] Tom : Mike, did you create another robot, something that looks like a vac... [He turns and sees the others.] AHHH!!!! [Mike and Gypsy look at Crow with a confused look on their faces.] Mike: What? [Crow T. Robot enters from stage right.] Crow: Mike! You've got to see this! There's this giant baby's face on the sun and... [He skids to a stop as he spots the newcomers.] Yikes! Mike: What 's wrong with you two? Crow: What are those... things? Mike: Huh? [Mike turns and nods.] Wow. I have no idea who they are. I didn't notice them before. Tom : Mike, they've been standing less than five feet away from you! How can you say that you've never seen them before? Mike: Tom, you know how I am in the morning before I've had my coffee. Tom : Oh. Yeah. You are pretty oblivious to the world without caffeine. Crow: [Mumbling] And with it too. Tom : Well..., Gypsy! Why didn't you do something? Gypsy: I thought they were friends of Mike's. [The Castle Forrester light on the command console begins to flash. ] Mike: Hold on. I think that Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys might have something to do with this. [Mike hits the flashing light.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl stands in the foreground. Observer stands beside her while Bobo stares out the window. They all wear battle fatigues.] Pearl: Good morning Mike. [She glances down.] Nice robe. [She glances behind Mike.] I see that you met your little guests. [SoL] [Mike is zipping up the top of his jumpsuit.] Mike: Yeah, we did. Who are they? [The humanoids become animated at this point and begin to jump around. A unseen female voice begins to speak in a sing-song voice.] Narrator: [v.o.] Over the hills and far away, the Teletubbies come to play! Tom : The hell? Mike: [Uneasily] Magic Voice? Magic Voice: [v.o.] Don't look at me. Narrator: [v.o.] Tinky winky. [The blue Tubby steps forward.] T-W: Tinky Winky! Crow: Tinky Winky? Nah. Too easy. Narrator: [v.o.] Dipsy. [The green Tubby hops forward.] Dipsy: Dipsy! Tom : [To Mike] That was Donald Duck's girlfriend, right? Narrator: [v.o.] Laa Laa. [The yellow Tubby steps forward.] Laa Laa: Laa Laa! Tom : [Huffily] Hrmph. That's *our* line. Mike: Actually, it's Pearl's. Narrator: [v.o.] Po. [The red Tubby jumps forward.] Po: Po! Crow: That's one 'o'. [The tubbies begin to dance around. Mike looks around the bridge for a moment, as if looking for something. Finally, he turns back to the camera.] Mike: I think that's all of them. Well Pearl, is there a reason why they're here? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Of course! You see, I've run out of the money that I collected from my telethon, and I'm going to Vegas soon, so of course, I needed more moola. So, I thought that I'd head back to that PBS cash cow. And what better way to get money than to milk it out of the parents... [SoL] Tom : Aren't most parents these days Gen-Xers, a group well known for their lack of money? [Castle Forrester] Observer: [Mumbling] That's what I told her, but did the pathetic corporeal listen? Pearl: Quiet. Anyway, I thought that we'd get scads of loot if we had child friendly characters aboard your little ship, so I acquired these guys' services. They're apparently very popular with the kiddies. [shrug] Go fig. Bobo: Lawgiver, they're building a cannon! Pearl: That's why I gave you the boiling oil. [SoL] Mike: A cannon? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [Sheepishly] Well, when the other kids' shows heard about the crossover, they decided to try and storm the Castle. I think they're after the grant money that we're getting from the Chubb group. Anyway, for your experiment today, we've gathered together three pieces of fanfic from the internet that deal with your little guests there. Bobo: Lawgiver! The cast of Baywatch just showed up and they're grabbing all of the oil! [Pearl sighs.] Pearl: [To Mike] Prepare for deep hurting, Michael. [To Bobo] Bobo, if the oil isn't working then start throwing things at them. Observer: Pearl! For the love of all that is holy, NO! Pearl: [With sudden realization] Bobo! No! Not that! [SoL] [The lights are flashing. The Tubbies seem to be fascinated by the lights.] Crow: Boy, it took us all day to clean up the satellite after Bobo threw his... Mike: Don't go there, Crow. Anyway, we've got, um, Tubby sign. [Mike shrugs, then hits the light. The door sequence begins and we can hear the Tubbies' "oohs" and "ahs" and "Eh ohs" as the door sequence commences.] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .] [Mike, Tom, and Crow enter and sit.] Crow: We seem to be in for a surreal day. Tom : Yep. Mike: It could be worse. Howard Stern might have been out there with them. Crow: True. >From worf_deerpark@msn.com Sun Jun 28 22:38:05 1998 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW: The Teletubbies Incident (Voy, J/C, PG) Crow: From the acclaimed author of "The Tubbies at Nuremberg." >From: "mary wiecek" >Date: Sun, 28 Jun 1998 23:38:05 -0400 > >The Teletubbies Incident >Mary Wiecek >Rated: PG, for an open-mouthed kiss >Series: Voyager >Codes: J/C > >Summary: An encounter with the teletubbies gives Captain Janeway >and Commander Chakotay something to think about. Mike: Bonnie Raitt must have helped with this story. > If you don't >have a little teletubbies fan in your life, Tom : You should count your blessings. > you won't have a clue >what this one is about. Don't say I didn't warn you. > Crow: YOU DIDN'T WARN US! Mike: Must you be so contrary? >Disclaimers: Paramount owns the Janeway and Chakotay characters. >I don't know who owns the teletubbies, Crow: Eric Clapton, I think. > but I promise, cross my >heart and hope to die, that I'm just borrowing them, and not a >hair on their fuzzy little heads will be harmed... > >~~~ > >"Over the hills and far away, teletubbies come to play..." > Tom : [Charlie Brown] But my teletubbies live in a condominium. >Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay materialized on a hillside >covered with pink flowers. They studied their surroundings in >confusion. The sky was bright azure, with cotton puff clouds. The >grass beneath their feet was spring green, but somehow didn't look >quite right. Crow: [Chakotay] Somehow this isn't how I pictured the Borg homeworld. > Janeway gasped when she saw the sun. It seemed closer >than the sensors had indicated, and was dominated by the face of >a darling baby. > All : YIKES! Mike: You were right, Crow. That is good old fashioned nightmare fuel. Tom : It's probably just gas. Get it? 'Cause it's a star... >Commander Chakotay acted quickly. Pulling the Captain protectively >behind him, he pulled his phaser from its holster on his belt. Mike: Yep, that phaser will do a heck of a lot of good against an 'F' series star. Crow: Commander Chakotay. He's brave, but dumber than a bag of rocks. > The sun smiled >and let out a delighted giggle. > Tom : Sunspot activity increased tenfold, sending systemwide communications into a tizzy. Mike: Crazed sentients rioted as they discovered that they couldn't watch the latest episode of "Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place." >Janeway stepped out from behind Chakotay's back. "At ease, >Commander," she muttered. > Crow: [Chakotay, whining] But you told me I could kill all of the cute things.... >"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. We come in >peace," she told the sun. > Crow: Unfortunately, I can see Janeway trying to talk to a star. >The sun gurgled and cooed. > Mike: Expelling huge streams of plasma and vaporizing the planet nearest the sun. >"We were hoping that we might procure some food supplies on your >planet," Tom : This is what they've been reduced to? Way to guide them, Neelix. > she added. "Can you tell me where I might find your leader?" > >The wide-eyed sun just looked perplexed. > Mike: Well, there's your problem. "Leader" has two syllables. >Janeway sighed. "Well," she said to Chakotay, "perhaps we'll have >better luck with the four humanoid lifeforms that we detected. This >is an unusual planet - it has a surreal quality to it..." > Tom : [Janeway] Is David Lynch directing this episode? >"At least the bunnies are real," Chakotay observed. He nudged the >Captain with his elbow, "look at those two..." > Tom : It's Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra! Crow: This better not be a crossover with "Singled Out" too... Mike: Hey, I wouldn't complain... >Janeway looked at the bunnies that he'd indicated and blushed >furiously. >"We have WORK to do, Commander," she said sharply. > Tom : Is *that* what they call it in the 24th Century? >They walked towards a circular structure in the distance that was >covered with the same grass-like material as the ground. "Perhaps >they'll let us have some of the bunnies," Janeway mused aloud, >"The crew has been asking for some real meat." > Crow: What, hasn't it been enough of a meat market since Seven of Nine showed up? >Chakotay stopped in his tracks. "You wouldn't EAT the cute little >bunnies, would you?" he asked in horror. > Mike: Chakotay. Famed Maquis leader. Slayer of Cardassians. But threaten to eat some bunnies, and he turns to jelly. >Janeway put her hands on her hips and scowled. "I KNEW I should >have brought Neelix down here instead of you..." > Mike: [Janeway] These pink clouds have me feeling frisky, and that top-knot... rrrowl! >Their argument was interrupted by a strange sound. An odd >periscope-type device had sprung from the ground nearby. Crow: The Fab Four arrive to assist the Voyager crew in their fight against the Blue Meanies. >It was apparently part of some type of public address system, >because it announced, "Time for teletubbies, time for >teletubbies..." Janeway scanned it with her tricorder, but, like >everything else in this strange place, it didn't register at all. Tom : Book titled "Secrets of the Universe?" Didn't register. Mike: Portal marked "Back to Earth?" Didn't register. Crow: Barry Shutnik? Didn't register. >Commander Chakotay pointed toward the structure. A blue projectile >had popped out of the center. "Tinky Winky!" it shouted. > >Commander Chakotay grasped the Captain by the arm. Crow: To Marsha Brady that'd be second base, y'know. > "Captain," he >asserted, "I am responsible for your safety. PLEASE stay behind me." > >She didn't argue, primarily because she was too stunned. They >both looked in open-mouthed shock as three more projectiles >emerged from the structure. >"Dipsy!' a green one proclaimed. "La La!" came from a yellow one. >"PO!" was the triumphant call of the red one. > Tom : Po? That's Klingon for "Honorless scum! May your ancestors look down upon you and smite you and your offspring out of existence and may children scoff at your cowardice from now until the very stars grow cold and lifeless!", right? >The creatures had landed on the top of the structure and now ran, >spilling down the sides. Chakotay again unholstered his phaser, >but the little creatures were completely unconcerned. Mike: They knew that Chakotay can't hit the broadside of a barn. > They >stopped just in front of the starfleet pair and tumbled to the >ground, rolling and kicking their chubby little legs. > >They were pear-shaped creatures, very wide in the hip and thigh >area, Mike: Can anyone think of a riff that won't alienate our entire female readership? Bots: No. Mike: Moving on, then... > and they were completely covered in brightly colored fur, >except for their faces. They each had a differently shaped antenna >protruding from the tops of their heads, and a silver rectangle >on their little bellies. Their faces were sweetly animated >and their eyes had a look of innocence that was Tom : ...belied by their six-inch claws. > rather endearing. >They reminded Janeway of a doll that she'd been given as a child. >'These must be the teletubbies,' she surmised. She decided that >they looked harmless enough. > >She stepped out from behind Chakotay once again, saying, "It's all >right, Commander, I don't think that they mean us any harm." Tom : Janeway would soon regret those words, as Tinky Winky's teeth latched onto her throat. >Chakotay looked dubious and hovered protectively behind her left >shoulder. > Crow: That's why I don't like fanfic...the characters have all these powers that they don't have in the show. Mike: He's not actually *hovering*, you buffoon. Tom : It's a good thing that Chakotay isn't on DS9. Kulkalaka would have driven him insane long ago. >"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. This is my >first officer, Commander Chakotay. We come in peace." > Crow: Oh great. Janeway and Chakotay are going to be killing the Tubbies for their adrenal fluids now, I just know it. >"Kafin come peas! 'Kotay! 'Kotay!" Tom : Hey! Buckwheat's on the planet too! > said Tinky Winky, the blue >one, excitedly > >"Kafin, 'Kotay, tubby cusstid?" inquired Po, the red one. > Crow: When James Joyce writes for Star Trek. >"What?" Janeway asked Chakotay under her breath. > >"Our universal translators must not be functioning," he observed. > >First contact was Mike: ...probably the most overused title in the ASC archives. > interrupted as the wind suddenly kicked up. A >large pinwheel behind the structure began to spin rapidly, >making a whirling sound. > Tom : "First contact?" The first contact with the Vulcans had more dignity than this, and they were playing "Ooby Dooby" at the time! >"Uh-oh!" the creatures chorused. They scampered to the top of the >nearest hill. Mystified, Janeway and Chakotay followed, warily. >The creatures began to undergo some kind of transformation. Their >antennae were glowing and the silver rectangles on their little >bellies showed some kind of static. Apparently, they were >viewscreens. Crow: Unfortunately, they only pick up "Team Knight Rider." > Eventually, only the yellow creature who called >herself 'La La', remained in the transformed state. > >"Oh, oh look, La La!" Tinky Winky exclaimed. > >La La stood, looking down at her belly with pride, Tom : "Her?" How on EARTH can you tell? [Mike leans over to whisper something to Tom.] Tom : Oh. [Mumbling] I'll have to remember that. > swaying to >and fro. Gradually, images began to appear on the screen. Tom: [Chakotay] Hey! It's _Throw Momma from the Train!_ Boy, I wish they had killed Billy Crystal's wife 'cause she... Oh. Sorry Captain. > Janeway and >Chakotay both perked up, because the images were of the two >of them! Mike: Instinctively, the pair began to riff upon what was happening on the screen. > Together, on a vacant and beautiful planet. Seated >across a table from one another, hands clasped, an ancient >legend hanging heavily in the air. Crow: "Scale: 1 inch equals five miles." > Embracing on a small sailboat, >a breeze blowing Janeway's hair into both of their faces. >Walking arm-in-arm into a room full of happy people. > Tom : Who inexplicably stopped being happy the moment the pair entered. >The images ceased and Janeway exchanged a smiling glance with >her first officer. > Mike: [Janeway] Do we really look like that? Tom : [Chakotay] Don't worry, the teletubby always adds ten pounds. >"Again, Again!" the creatures demanded. "Again, Again!" > >Once again, the images played out on the yellow creature's belly. >As they watched, Janeway and Chakotay moved almost imperceptibly >closer to each other. Chakotay was still standing behind his >Captain, and by the time the images ended, she was almost, but >not quite, leaning into his chest. > >The creatures gathered around them, and crushed them Tom : Yaah! Not what I expected! > into a >fuzzy embrace. Tom : Whew. Crow: So Chakotay and Janeway are anthropomorpic vampires now? > "Big hug!" they exclaimed, gleefully. Janeway >and Chakotay shared a bemused look. > >"Yes, well..." Janeway began. > >"What does it all mean?" Chakotay wondered. > Mike: [Janeway] Chakotay! This in not the time to be pondering the role of mankind in the universe! >But before they could figure it out, the pinwheel began >spinning again. This time, it was the green one, Dipsy, who stood >with his antenna glowing and his viewscreen activated. Chakotay >felt a sense of foreboding. Dipsy reminded him a bit of Tuvok... Mike: Tim Russ must be moonlighting. Crow: Still, Tuvok's screen could only pick up ESPN2. > >This time the images were laced with static, not really in focus >- as if they hadn't quite happened. Yet. But there was no >mistaking what they were. Chakotay, laughing in the arms of >another woman, as Janeway looked on with regret. Mike: [Janeway] B'elanna! I thought I was the only woman for you?! > Janeway, >dancing with a faceless man on an alien world, as Chakotay >turned away, unable to conceal the hurt. Tom : [Chakotay, hurt] I bet Mr. No-lips can't kiss like *I* can... > The two of them, >exchanging an achingly polite, professional handshake in a >corridor at Starfleet headquarters, then turning from each >other - profound sadness in their eyes. Walking away. >Walking away. > Mike: Fan Fic Walking! >The teletubbies were uncharacteristically silent. There were >no exuberant cries of "Again, Again!" Not this time. Chakotay >looked at Janeway, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. She looked >down. > Tom : The sheep looked up. >"Kafin, 'Kotay sad." La La whimpered. > >"So sad!" wailed Po, ruefully, throwing herself into Tinky >Winky's comforting embrace. He patted her head, murmuring >"Dere, dere Po, dere, dere." > Crow: Dipsy, obviously sick to the teeth of Janeway/Chakotay romances, says nothing. >The sun sighed forlornly. > Tom : Somewhere, a child was born into a life of poverty. >Chakotay took Janeway by the arm and turned her to face him. Mike: Then they, and the tubbies, began to jitterbug. Oh what fun they had! >He lifted her chin - to force her to look into his eyes. A >tear was slowly coursing down her cheek. He brushed it away >gently with his finger. "It doesn't have to be that way, >Kathryn," he said, softly. > Crow: [Chakotay] I have blackmail material on the writers... >And they all watched and waited: Chakotay, the teletubbies, >and the sun, as unfathomable emotions played across Kathryn's >face. They all knew - it was up to her. There was a war going >on inside her - Tom : This better not turn into a diarrhea ad. > reluctance, uncertainty, protocol, recklessness, >determination, and love. Finally, she spoke, bring her hand up >to caress Chakotay's face. > Crow: [Chakotay] Let's *never* have kids. Mike: [Janeway] Lord, no. >"We can't let it end like that," she whispered, "it would be >so wrong." She reached up to firmly pull his head down, and >their lips met. The teletubbies exploded with a tubby cheer! Tom : Violent fic, this. Mike: The 736th Kamikaze Scottish Teletubbie brigade had struck again! >They joined hands and skipped around the new couple gleefully. > >Chakotay couldn't believe what was happening. After all these >years, her resolve was broken by little fuzzy creatures with >a limited vocabulary. Crow: Hey, maybe Geordi oughtta introduce Leah Brahms to the Pakleds. >Before she could change her mind, he deepened the kiss, pressing >his tongue between her lips to meet hers. She gasped, then >moaned, and then pushed him playfully away, reprimanding him, >"Chakotay, NOT in front of the teletubbies!" > Mike: When are they going to learn? "Not in front of the teletubbies" means "not in front of the teletubbies." Crow: I don't see that becoming a bumper sticker any time soon. >But her words belied her actions, as she pulled him to her >again, feverishly, overwhelmed by the emotions that she'd >just allowed herself to acknowledge, after all this time. >They were devouring each other, and their hands were beginning >to wander and explore. The teletubbies tittered. Tom : They're not the only...oh, forget it. > Suddenly a >loud voice, which seemed to come from everywhere, admonished, >"Noooooo..." > Mike: Suddenly a voice BOOOOOOOOMS out: "Hands off, pal." >They pulled apart, guiltily. > >"Is it God?" Janeway asked. > [All three speak simultaneously.] Tom : Why does God need a public address system? Crow: If it is, he probably won't need a spaceship. Mike: [Shatner] What does God....needwiththeTeletubbies? [An embarrassed pause.] Mike: Whoops. Crow: Well, at least we were all thinking along the same track. >"Akoo-cheemoya!" Chakotay exclaimed. > Crow: With the speaking of those words, Chakotay grew to 40 feet tall, becoming the mighty Apache Chief! >"Don't be absurd," the voice boomed, "I'm not a sacred presence, >I'm just the narrator!" > Crow: Wow! The most self-effacing self-insertion fic ever! >"Oh," Janeway said, pulling herself together. "I'm Captain >Kathryn Janeway of the..." > >"I know who you are," the narrator said, exasperated. Tom: [Narrator] UPN *does* promote the hell out of your show, after all. > "But it >is time for you to leave this place. You are beginning to >corrupt the teletubbies." > Mike: [Narrator] See? Now they're trying to sacrifice Po to the Elder Gods! Shame on you Janeway! >Janeway blushed, and even Chakotay had the good grace to look >embarrassed. > >"We're very sorry," she said, abjectly. Remembering their mission, >she asked, "We are running low on food supplies, would you be >able to spare..." > >"You CAN'T have any of our bunnies," the narrator said, sharply. > Mike: [Janeway] Actually, I was thinking about Po... Tom : [Chakotay] Always did like Kung Po chicken. >Chakotay shot Janeway a quick 'told-you-so' look. She scowled at >him, good-naturedly. > >"We can, however, spare some tubby custard," the narrator added. > Crow: So if Naugahyde is made from nagas, is Tub...Ewww! >At this, the teletubbies scampered into the structure. They emerged >after a moment, rolling a large keg. It took them a while to roll >the keg into position in front of Janeway and Chakotay, because >they kept getting diverted by each other's little antics. Crow: Now they sound like the Morning Zoo Crew. > Po >pushed La La, then La La pushed Po - Tinky Winky and Dipsy had >a rolling race down one of the hillsides. Janeway and Chakotay >looked on, their mouths hanging open in disbelief. > >"I don't know how I'm going to enter this in the log," Janeway >murmured. > Mike: [Janeway] Captain's Log, Stardate 53162.3. Today I am a woman... >"I look forward to reading it," Chakotay said with a grin. > >"Now, you must leave," the narrator intoned. > >"Big hug!" the teletubbies cried, once again enveloping the >starfleet pair. Tom : Actually, they're the Lovely Angels, unless you have a death wish. > Janeway and Chakotay returned their embrace, >patting every fuzzy head that they could get a hand on. > >"Thank you," Chakotay said. > >"For everything," Janeway added, meaningfully. > Tom : [Chakotay] My loaning you my hedge clippers isn't that big of a deal, Captain. >The periscopes emerged from the ground once again, announcing >"Time for tubby bye-bye, time for tubby bye-bye..." The >teletubbies laughed and ran away, and the narrator cautioned >them, "Noooo..." Clearly, the narrator was going to have his >hands full getting them to bed, so Janeway took the opportunity >to hail the ship. > Mike: But the ship had its "Off Duty" sign lit. >"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up, and a keg of tubby custard." > >"Captain?" It was Tuvok's voice. > Crow: [Tuvok] Captain, obscenity on open channels is a violation of FCC regulations. >"I'll explain later," Janeway sighed. > >"Acknowledged." > >Just before the transporter beam caught them, Janeway reached >over and took Chakotay's hand. She smiled at the look of >surprised delight that crossed his face. And then, they were >gone - to face their new future, together. > >The sun beamed happily, Crow: [sun] They're finally gone! Now I can watch Rosie! Mike: Puns...must...not...call...Narn...bat...squad... > then gave a sleepy yawn. > >~~~ > >As the sun sinks in the sky, teletubbies say goodbye. > >The End. > > > [Mike nods to the others.] Mike: I think that's it. Tom : Yep. Crow: Back to the magic kewpie dolls then. [They exit and leave.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike stands behind the command console, drinking a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper. He is flanked by Dipsy who is staring intently at him.] Mike: [Reading] Wow. They lowered the prime rate again. That makes me wish that I owned a house so that I could refinance it. Dipsy: Eh oh. Pime Ate. Mike: Yep. [Looking at Dipsy] You know, there's a tribe in the Amazon that has a temple devoted to you... Dipsy: Hokama matsu. Hobata! Mike: Um, yeah. [Crow strolls into view.] Crow: Hi Mike. I see that one of those Tubbies is stalking you too. Mike: Yeah. [puzzledly] Um, where's your Tubby? Dipsy: 'ubby! 'ubby! Crow: I've been teaching him, er, her, ah, who knows, some tricks. [Crow turns offscreen.] Lo Lo! Mike: Laa Laa. Crow: Whatever. [Laa Laa enters, carrying a beer.] Crow: See? I call, and the Tubby brings me a cold, frosty beer. It now serves a useful purpose in society. [mumbling] I just wish I actually drank beer... Mike: Great. You've corrupted a children's icon. Well, I've got Dipsy safe under my care... Dipsy: Doxyibonuclecitaxid! Mike: [mumbled] I hope. [Normal] And you've corrupted Laa Laa. That just leaves Po and Tinky Winky... [Gypsy runs in, from stage left.] Gypsy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep him away from me!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Gypsy quickly runs off stage right. Tinky Winky quickly enters, chasing Gypsy, and follows her off stage. Crow and Mike stare at the retreating pair for a moment.] Mike: [Pause] I'm not quite sure how to read that one. So, we'll just have to wait for Tom... [On cue, Tom enters.] Tom : Evening everyone. Mike: Hi Tom. Say, you haven't seen Po, have you? Tom : Po? Crow: The giant furry thing that looks like a Technicolor kewpie doll? Tom : Ooooh, Po. Yeah, I've seen her. Heh, heh, heh. Crow: Well, where is she? Tom : Probably relaxing from her trip to Tom's Chateau d'Amour. [Mike and Crow stare at each other for a long moment.] Mike: Um, Tom...? Tom : You know, she's quite a woman... [Mike buries his head in his hands. Crow's jaw drops.] Mike: Tom, please tell me that you didn't... Tom : Yep, I really rocked her world... Mike: We're going to hell for this. I just know it. [The theater sign begins to flash.] Dipsy: 'Ubby sign! Mike: That's close enough to hell for our purposes. We've got Tubby sign! Tom : That Po had Tommy sign, if you know what I mean... [The trio exits.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The trio enters. Mike places Tom into his usual theater seat, then he and Crow move several seats down the aisle before sitting.] Tom : Come on! I boffed a Tubby! Does that make me some sort of pariah? Mike: Yes. Yes it does. > > > > Crow: Maybe the writer forgot to attach the story to the post. Mike: No complaints here. > >From fitchett@netaccess.co.nz Mon Jul 06 15:12:30 1998 Crow: Damn. Oh well. Tom : Hey! Pay attention to me! >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Tom: Guys...I really didn't... Mike: [Interrupting] We know. Crow: We're shunning you for even suggesting that you did. >Subject: NEW: Time for Tubby Bye-Bye [PG-13] (Voy, graphic violence) 1/1 >From: fitchett@netaccess.co.nz (Sasscat Bu-to-y) Mike: Hey! A New Zealander! I hope that the author's English is good. Crow: Um, Mike? Mike: Well, I'll just speak some of the New Zealand lingo to make Sasscat feel at home. Tom : Mike...? Mike: Ahem. S'truth! Pass a couple of tinnies to me, Bruce! Look out! There are drop bears ahead, mate! Crow: Mike, those aren't New... Mike: Pop another shrimp on the barbie! The dingos ate me baby! Joh's done a lot for Queensland! Tom : Well, there goes our chances for ever being shown on TVNZ... Crow: And I think that sinks our possible contract with the Foxtel folks too. >Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 08:12:30 +1200 > >Title: Time for Tubby Bye-Bye >Author: Sasscat Bu-to-y Tom : I know those syllables, but that name makes no sense. Mike: Of course not. You don't speak New Zealandish. Tom : Riiiight. >Series: Voyager >Rating: PG-13 >Codes: graphic violence [The trio sits upright in their seats.] Crow: Graphic violence? Coooool! Tom : John Woo makes a special directoral effort in tonight's "Voyager." >Part: 1/1 > >Summary: Harry comes up with a new way to draw Seven out of her shell >but the plan backfires and a new craze sweeps Voyager. > Mike: There better not be any Furbies in this story... Crow: Or the Macarena. >Warning: Teletubbies. What more need I say? But not the sort you'd >show your children. > Tom : Uh-oh. This might be Peter Jackson's "Meet the Tubbies!" >Disclaimer: Crow: Disclaimer? I don't even know her! Mike: [mumbling] Damn. I really should have gotten that anti-pun booster this year. > Paramount owns Voyager, Ragdoll owns Teletubbies, and the >views of the characters in the story are *not necessarily my own*. >Okay? So if you disagree, don't flame me. (Hey, it rhymes! Uh, >anyway...) > Mike: [Sasscat] ...I thought that'd you'd like to read my dissertation on 11th century Norwegian farming practices before we hit the fanfic. >Archiving's fine as long as you let me know; feedback's fine too >at fitchett@netaccess.co.nz > > >Time for tubby bye-bye > (c) Sasscat Bu-to-y 1998 > >"Come in," Kathryn Janeway said as her ready room door chimed. >"Harry, how can I help you?" > Crow: [Kim] How do you get your hair like that? Mine keeps going all soft on me. >"I had an idea to help Seven develop her social skills," Harry said >enthusiastically, handing her a padd. Tom : [Kim] She and I have a wild, passionate affair before settling down and raising our 2.3 children. Well, it's worth a try, anyway. > "Tom was showing me some >television programs from the twentieth century, Tom: [Kim] By the way, if you can find any other shows from "The Spice Channel", we'd really appreciate it. > and we came across >something called 'Teletubbies'. It was designed for young children, >and turned out to help draw autistic children out of their shells." > Crow: You dangle a Teletubby in front of them, and when they stick their head out to bite it you whack them with...oh, wait, that's snapping turtles. >She looked at him then picked up the padd. It showed four colourful >creatures with large ears and grey squares on their stomachs. One was >red, one yellow, one blue and one green. She was mystified. > Mike: [Janeway] Weren't these people the hosts for '60 Minutes'? Crow: [Kim] We think they did both. Our records from that era are a bit incomplete. >"I hardly think Seven can be compared to an autistic child," she >pointed out, Mike: She's a much more developed person. Crow: That's going to take a moment to sink in, Mike. > but Harry shook his head. > >"Autism interferes with the development of social interaction skills. >Its sufferers often exhibit extreme passivity and cannot comprehend >what makes others tick. Mike: These people tend to become bureaucrats. > They have to learn social interactions >mechanically; 'empathy' by rote. Tom : Just keep saying "I sense great hostility, Captain" until you get it down. > They think about it on a scientific >level - just like Seven. I checked it out with the Doctor and he >agrees," he added, then blushed, presumably for 'going behind her >back'. > Crow: Is that what you kids--well, you know the rest. >She smiled to reassure him and looked back at the cuddly creatures on >the padd. Teletubbies. The name suited them. Mike: The name "Janewayiacs" didn't test well. Tom : They could always call them Species 8473. > "I can hardly disagree >with such an expert prognosis, can I? What exactly did you have in >mind?" > Tom : [Kim] I thought that we'd go out to dinner, then take in a show. The Doc's putting on "Les Miz" in the Sick Bay. >"Half an hour twice a day," Harry said promptly, "five days a week. >"The records were very clear about when it was screened. Tom's >already working on converting it to a holoprogram." > Tom : [Kim] Though somehow Hanson wound up in the first version. I think the boy has some issues. >Kathryn handed the padd back and smiled warmly. "By all means, >proceed, Mr Kim. I'll expect regular progress reports." > Tom: [Kim] Of course. Right now, I'm picking up my PADD and walking towards the... Mike: [Janeway] Not quite that regular, Harry. >"Of course, Captain." He grinned and left. > > =/\= > >Kathryn stared into her empty coffee cup and admitted that she was >beginning to worry about the Teletubby Project. Mike: The plan to build a giant Teletubby in space in the hopes of bringing peace to a warn-torn galaxy just wasn't working. > The progress reports >simply stated that Seven had taken to the program enthusiastically; >smiled often and once even laughed. Tom : Her English skills degenerated to a two-year-old's level, but hey, can't have everything. Crow: "Me Seven of Nine. Me assimilate you now!" > It was wonderful news, Kathryn >had to admit, but something bothered her about the way Harry talked >more about the program than he did about Seven. And it wasn't like >Harry to ignore Seven, she added to herself. > Mike: Hell, it wasn't like any male with a pulse would ignore Seven. >She glanced at the chrono and put the cup down with a sigh. She'd >come to dread bridge duty since the project had begun. Harry and Tom >had taken to passing their shifts by talking enthusiastically about >some people called Laa Laa, Crow: Okay, is that supposed to be one "a" or two? Tom : Four, actually. > Dipsy, Tinky Winky and Po. At first she'd >thought those were code-names for Tom's latest conquests, but when >Chakotay had joined in the conversation she'd realised they were >discussing the Teletubby Project. Mike: She knew this because the word "Tubby" kept popping up. > Even Tuvok had joined in, arguing >that Po would never fight with Tinky Winky, because 'teletubbies love >each other'. > Tom : The hell? Crow: And then Tuvok told everyone that Daphne and Shaggy were obviously doing it. >She couldn't hide out in her ready room forever, Kathryn told herself >firmly, Tom : You did it for six months in "Night" though, Kathy. > and walked out the doors with head held high. The turbolift >opened at the back of the bridge and Tom took one step out before >turning to Harry and saying in a low voice, "Uh oh." > >"What have you done *now*, Mr. Paris?" she asked, probably unfairly. >Well, if the captain couldn't be in a lousy mood occasionally, who >could? > Mike: No, no. Being grouchy is the province of doctors and security chiefs. Captains are aloof and resolute. >Tom just looked confused. "All I said was 'Uh oh.'" > >Kathryn didn't even want to *try* to work out what that one meant. >She shook her head slightly and looked at Harry as Tom made his way >down to his station. "Harry, how's that program for Seven coming >along?" > Crow: [Kim] Great! She'll be a beautician in no time at all! >Wrong question, she thought with a wince as a grinning bridge crew >announced, "*Big* hug!" Well, except Tuvok. Mike: [Janeway] Tuvie! What's wrong? Why don't you greet your Kathy-wathy with a big hug? > Tuvok didn't grin and, >thank God, nor did he 'big hug'. > Tom: He did do a passable Bat-tushi though. >She smiled politely and settled into her chair. This was going to be >one hell of a long shift. > Mike: [Paris] Captain? Lwaxanna Troi just beamed aboard. Crow: One hell of a really, really, long shift. > =/\= > >She should have known. Anything from the twentieth century had to be >trouble. All : Hey! Mike: Lousy 24th Century weasel... Crow: We gave the universe all sorts of things! Tom : Rock and roll! Mike: Hemmingway! Crow: Motion Pictures! Tom : Whipped cream in a can! Crow: Drive-in mortuaries! Mike: Um, guys...? Tom : Dame Edna! Crow: Grape Duds! Tom : Talk Soup! Crow: Pizza with pineapple toppings! Mike: Guys... Tom : Stretch Armstrong! Crow: Pop rocks! Mike: GUYS! [Silence] We're a bit off topic here. Crow: Okay, okay. Sheesh. > She should never have authorised the damn project. > Tom : She has become Dipsy, the destroyer of worlds. >"Be fair," Kathryn told the mug in her hand. She was back in her >ready room, tryig to pretend she wasn't hiding and failing miserably. Tom : Guys, it's time we faced it...the Voyager is an Omega Company. Mike: A what? Crow: A dumping place for all the losers that other companies don't want. Like...well, the UPN network. >"You haven't even seen the program. There's probably a perfectly good >explanation." > Mike: Well, it was a pretty bad movie... Crow: It did encourage laying down in the street while cars raced by though. Anything that weeds out the shallow end of the gene pool like that can't be all bad. >Explanation for what? For her crew acting like lunatics; announcing >"Eh oh," wherever they went and gathering for '*big* hugs' at the >oddest moments? Crow: Hey, if group hugs is part of Roddenberry's Dream, sign me up! > Not to mention abandoning "Aye, Captain," in favour >of the infuriating "Change course tubby tubby tubby," or "Scan scan >scan tubby tubby tubby tubby." > Crow: Not to mention "Blast blast blast Kazon tubby tubby tubby tubby." >Her crew had gone space-mad. Tom : They were watching Monster Truck Rallies. Willingly. > Even Tuvok had succumbed. How had she >let things get this far out of hand? This hardly seemed like the >effect of a child's entertainment program. A secret governmental >mind-control experiment? That was ridiculous. Or was it? > Mike: There was only one way to tell for sure. So, Janeway made a large 'X' out of tape and attached it to the window. Now, she merely had to wait... >This was getting her nowhere. "Computer, time," she said with a sigh. > >"The tubby-time is fifteen hundred tubby-hours," a childish voice >informed her. Kathryn bit back a curse and strode out of her ready >room, ignoring Chakotay's cheerful "Eh oh," as she passed. Half an >hour until the next showing. Time for a snack, Crow: Pshaw. Here she's been slamming the 20th century, and she's probably going off to get a Pop-tart. Tom : Yes, the delicious breakfast pastry that lasts forever! > and then she was >going to see what this program was really all about. And get B'Elanna >to change the damned computer back. > Mike: You could just go to the control panel and change it yourself, Kathryn. Crow: Yeah, just turn off the "Tubbies" theme for Pete's sake. It takes, what, four clicks of the mouse? >"Messhall," she ordered, and leaned against the wall. What a day. >What a week. > Tom : [Paris, on the intercom] Captain? Wesley Crusher just appeared on the bridge. Crow: One really long hell of a week. >She straightened up as the computer's ramblings sifted into her >consciousness. > [Tom begins humming "The Girl from Inpanema."] >"Turbo'ift go mess'all. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby." > >"Shut *up*," she muttered, to no effect. Naturally. When she found >out who'd reprogrammed the computer-- though she had a fairly good >idea already. Not many people would have both the access *and* the >death-wish. > Crow: Charles Bronson, no! >She stepped out the instant the doors opened and strode straight to >the messhall. It was all but deserted, save Neelix All : AHHHHH!!!!! Crow: The Tubbies *and* Neelix? In the same story?! Author, have you no sense of human decency? > who stepped out of >the kitchen when he heard the door open, and smiled at her. > >"Eh oh! I must admit, Captain, I was starting to worry about you; I >haven't seen you for quite some time." > Tom : [Neelix] Not since you saved me from Chakotay's wrath after I tried to serve rabbit stew. >It had been one, one and a half days at the most, but Kathryn wasn't >in the mood to quibble. Mike: [Janeway] Well, the aftertaste is finally out of my mouth, so I'm ready to get back on the horse. Do your worst. > "Where is everyone?" > Tom : [Neelix] Well, remember how we were running low on supplies, and I wanted to stop by that last planet but you said no, and... well, does the phrase Donner Party mean anything to you? >"Where crew?" Neelix repeated in a sugary voice. "I *believe* they're >in the holodeck waiting for the next showing. As a matter of fact I >was about to head down there myself, but can I get you anything first? >There's some tubby tustard left from lunchtime if you like." > Tom : [Neelix] Just ignore the bone fragments... Mike: Tom, let the joke go. >Tubby tustard? *Tubby* tustard. It was a miracle people weren't >turning up for shift dressed as the damn things. Crow: The Voyager crew seems to be getting a bit... kinky. > Or maybe they were, >but just not on the bridge. ...Suddenly she didn't feel like eating. >"Thank you, Neelix, but I was just... looking for Lieutenant Paris." Mike: [Janeway] I've got a hankerin' to do some butt-kickin', and he's got the butt I love to kick th'most! >She winced slightly at the transparency of her cover, but Neelix >looked satisfied. > >"He's definitely in the holodeck. I consider myself quite a fan, you >know, but Tom has never missed a single episode. That's what I call >dedication." > Tom : That's what I call pathetic! Crow: Well, Paris has always been one of the biggest losers on the show. I mean, imagine coming in second place to *Neelix*, for crying out loud! >Of course Neelix wasn't as big a fan as Tom. He was speaking in whole >sentences for a start. Mike: And, unlike Tom, he hadn't begun writing Tubbie slash fics. > Kathryn put on the carefully practised smile >she reserved just for him. Crow: It was the same smile that Mulgrew used when talking to Rick Berman. > "I'm sure it is, Mr Neelix. Thank you; >you've been most helpful. Excuse me." > >She hurriedly left the messhall and entered the nearest turbolift. >"Engineering." > Tom : No, "Turbolift." >"Turbo'ift go en'ineerwin'. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby." > >She rolled her eyes upwards and leaned against the wall. Crow : Y'know, for once I'm sympathetic to Janeway's plight. > > =/\= > >If the messhall had been deserted, Engineering was a ghost-deck. Crow: Shhh! If you listen carefully, you can hear the cries of long-destroyed shuttlecraft... Tom : o/~ This deck... o/~ Mike+Crow: o/~ Aaah, aaah. o/~ Tom : o/~ Is looking like a ghost-deck...o/~ >On closer inspection Kathryn realised that B'Elanna was in her office, >studying the screen and apparently in a good mood. Maybe she could >get that computer fixed now. > Crow: [B'Elanna] You got a work order? Mike: [Janeway] Uh, no, but... Crow: [B'Elanna] Guess yer outta luck then, pal. >"Lieutenant--" > >"Shh." B'Elanna didn't even look up. "Time for teletubbies." > Crow: Unless it's a pledge month, in which case you've still got about fifteen minutes of pledge break to sit through. >"*Lieutenant*," Kathryn repeated firmly. "You're on duty." > Mike: [Janeway] Well, I think you're on duty. Oh hell, I don't care anymore. Computer! I need a drink! Crow: [Computer] Un 'arvy 'all'anger, tubby, tubby, tubby! >A flicker of a frown crossed B'Elanna's face then she settled back >into an inane grin. "Shh." > Crow: [B'Elanna] Springer's on. >Reaming out the Chief Engineer could wait, Kathryn decided. She >needed to find out what was going on in the holodeck. > Tom : Uh-oh. Mulgrew's having Mrs. Columbo flashbacks. > =/\= > >The holodeck was crowded when she arrived. It seemed like the entire >off-duty crew had gathered to watch those damn teletubbies. Mike: Well, with the NBA on strike, what else is there to do? Crow: Teletubbies! It's Faaaantastic! Tom : Start the season. Hurry. > Possibly >a few on-duty crewmembers as well, Kathryn thought, remembering the >state of Engineering. As Neelix had said he would be, Tom was waiting >with the rest of them, and after a moment Neelix walked in the door as >well. > >Kathryn ducked around a group of people to avoid him - not that she >had anything *against* Neelix as such, Tom : Remember that line, folks. Mike: Yep. She's be counting on you to testify on her behalf at the Neelix murder trial. > but she really didn't feel up >to another conversation with him right now - and found herself next to >Tom. > >"Eh oh," he said with a grin. "I was wondering when you'd come, >Captain. I didn't think your curiosity would let you stay away for >long." > Crow: Yep. We've crossed over into Mrs. Columbo land all right. >Kathryn practically fell over. It was the first time in days she'd >heard him use a complete sentence - let alone two sentences without >a mention of a 'tubby'. Maybe this wasn't as out of hand as she'd >thought. > Mike: Then the giant golden Tubby idol appeared. Tom : Moses is going to be ticked off.... >But then a small chime sounded and she was almost deafened by a >hundred ecstatic cries of "Time for teletubbies!" Music started to >play, and she had to admit it was slightly catchy; the sort of music >you could whistle along to or tap your foot. Mike: [Janeway] Wow. So this is what peyote is like... > A childish shrieking >giggle from in front caught her attention and she tore her eyes away >from Tom. > >It was, she decided, supposed to be a sun. Mike: A sun? Crow: Si. Mike: What did it do? Crow: Shine. Mike: Shine? Crow: Si. Mike: Sigh. > It had the face of a baby, >and, although she normally adored children, for some reason she had >an intense urge to blow this one out of the sky. Mike: Wow. Janeway's actually following our lead for once! Crow: Now, if she'd just start making sarcastic comments at the tubbies. All : [Whispering] Join us! Join us! > A soft whispered >chant traveled over the crowd: "Teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies >teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies." > All : [Whispering] Freebird, freebird.... >"Over the hills and far away," a female voice announced. The chant >grew more insistent. "Teletubbies come to play." > Tom : Tonight we're in for a treat, as the Tubbies' opponents are the Detroit Redwings! Mike: Yes, we're in for quite a game tonight! These two teams hate each other. >An oddly artificial looking hill came into focus, and one of the >teletubbies shot out the top. > >"One," the voice declared. > >"One!" the teletubby and her crew repeated. > Crow: Then Cuba Gooding Jr. showed up and started tossing out soft drinks to the crew. >"Two." Another teletubby shot out of the hill. > >"Two!" > Tom : o/~ Three, four. Can I have a little more? o/~ >"Three." > Crow: Five, sir. >"Three!" > >Kathryn winced slightly at the noise, but even if she decided to leave >there was no way she'd be able to get through the crowd between her >and the arch. Mike: Hrrmph. Picard could have talked his way out of there. Crow: And Kirk would have fought his way out of there. Tom : And Sisko? Crow: Sisko? He would have never gone in a holodeck to watch the Tubbies in the first place. He's too cooool for that. > The teletubbies were peering into the hole in some >consternation, although it was hard to tell when they wore nothing but >the same idiotic grins. > Mike: So, they looked like flight attendants then? >"Four," the voice finally announced, and a blue teletubby shot out of >the hole amidst shouts of encouragement from the crowd. > >"Four! Four! Teletubbies!!!" > >"Go Tinky Winky," Tom cheered. > Crow: Go go Tinky Winky! Mighty Morphing Tinky Winky! >Kathryn rolled her eyes. So much for not being that bad. This was >pure drivel. Tom : Still, it was better than "Baywatch Nights." > Give it a chance, she reminded herself sternly. > >The teletubbies rushed around five bronze periscopes which were >announcing, "Time for teletubies! Time for teletubbies! Time for >teletubbies! Time for teletubbies!" > >The music picked up and the same voice began to sing. Mike: Tsk. I can't believe that Stevie Nicks was so hard up for money that she took a role in this fic. Crow: We all have to eat, Mike. Well, Tom and I don't need to, but you get the idea. Tom : Yeah Mike. I mean, I'm not proud of that time I spent as a Denuvian pudding lizard wrangler, but you don't hear me complaining about it. Mike: [pause] Tom, someday we need to talk about what exactly you did while you were away. > >"Tinky Winky." > >The blue teletubby echoed him, "Tinky Winky!" > >"Dipsy." > >"Dipsy," the green one repeated. > >"Laa Laa." > >"Laa Laa!" > >So the red one must be... "Po." > Mike: Blue, red, yellow, green. They're a Twister board come to life. >"Po!" > >"Teletubbies. Teletubbies. Say hello!" > Tom : Hello... Crow: Hello... Mike: Hello.... All : Hello! Mike: I guess that Laa Laa is the Curley Joe of the Teletubbies. >"Eh oh!" the teletubbies obediently chorused, and Kathryn winced. Mike: She remembered that tonight was the very special, "Tubbies teach about enemas" episode. >Well, now she knew where *that* particular expression came from. She >stifled a groan as the music began to repeat and used the time to >analyse the teletubbies. > >It seemed that the blue one and the green one - also the two larger >ones; what a coincidence - were the males. Crow: They were the Tubbies that never asked for directions. > Aggressive, too, from the >way they were charging at each other, although Laa Laa and Po were >copying them. Tom : Let's watch as they all jump off a bridge. > If they didn't bounce off each other's stomachs like >that they could do some real damage. > Mike: And if they were armed with phaser rifles, they could also do some real damage. >A moment later another annoying expression was explained as the >teletubbies gathered for a '*biiig* hug!' before rushing off. > >A periscope rose slowly. "Where have the teletubbies gone?" > Tom : o/~And who's that deadly piper, who leads them away? o?~ >"Who cares?" Kathryn wanted to ask, Crow: That's the spirit! All : Join us! Join us! > but bit it back. Crow: Damn. Mike: We were so close. Tom : Well, back to the subliminals. All : [Whispering] Join us. Join us. > Now was not the >time. > >The sun burbled. Rabbits chewed grass. The hills just sat there. > Mike: And Godot had yet to appear. >The scene switched to the interior of a large room. The red 'tubby >stood by herself, grin still firmly attached. "Eh oh!" > >"Eh oh!" the crew replied enthusiastically. > Crow: [Po] The time has come for our troops to march into the Rheinland! Eh oh! Mike + Tom: Eh oh! Eh oh! >"One day in teletubby-land, Po went to sleep in Tinky Winky's bed," >the singer/periscope explained. > Tom : That was a Melrose plot from last season. >"Po sleep Tinky Winky bed," Po repeated, and spent the next five >minutes doing just that, giggling often and producing an odd honk >when she sat that startled Kathryn into visibly flinching. Tom : Odd. The Klingons make the exact same noise when they sit down. > A vacuum >cleaner wandered around aimlessly, making 'zheep zheep' noises to >itself. [The bots turn to stare at Mike.] Mike: What? Crow: Mike? You didn't...? Mike: No! I didn't build another robot! Tom : Mike.... Mike: I swear I didn't build another robot! > Po sighed contentedly, several times, and began to snore. > Crow: Hey! Roll onto your side, Po! >Kathryn studied the crew while she waited for something interesting to >happen. They all sat or stood, completely riveted to the action - or >lack thereof - Mike: They must be watching C-SPAN. > in front of them, their expressions reminiscent of the >puppets-on-acid grins of the teletubbies themselves. > Mike: Which, by the way, was reminiscent of the puppet-on-acid grin of Balok from "The Corbomite Manuever." >Three voices singing announced the return of the other teletubbies. Tom : Hanson makes a special guest appearance in the fanfic. >They walked through the door cheerfully, greeted the crew with a loud >"Eh oh!" and waited for instructions. > Crow: [Laa Laa] Okay Dipsy, you go and calibrate the magnetometer! Tinky, find me a mackerel! A big one! I'll go and try to discover what the Ph level of our water is! Let's go! >"Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa Laa wanted to go to sleep." > Crow: So, Dipsy downed a bottle of Nyquil. Within weeks, she was downing cough sryup like it was water. Tom : Coming soon on Lifetime, "Eh-oh. Me D.: Portrait of an addict." >"Oh," said one of the teletubbies, in apparent enlightenment. "Go to >s'eep." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising it >with overacted yawns and stretches, while the vacuum cleaner looked >on with a worried non-expression. They lined up in front of the beds, >managing not to notice that Po was already asleep in Tinky Winky's. > Mike: They also failed to notice the presence of a large pile of dead rats in the corner. >"Laa Laa went to sleep," the voice narrated. The yellow 'tubby looked >surprised for a moment, almost blushing at the 'honour' as the other >two turned to look at her. > Tom : [Dipsy] Should we tell her about the spinach in her teeth? Crow: [TW] Nah. It'll take care of itself. >"Sleep, sleep," she murmured, and sat with a honk. "Sleep." Tom : SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP? > She >pulled a silver, almost Starfleet-issue sheet over herself and started >snoring immediately. > Mike: We should send them some nasal strips. >Tinky Winky looked about to object as the voice said, "Dipsy went to >sleep," then apparently thought better of it. > Crow: [TW] Heck, I'll just kill him first. >Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *three >times*. Tom : Math is not Kathryn's strong suit. > She started mentally revising the reports she'd been studying >earlier while Dipsy 'went to sleep' with the attention to detail of a >thousand Vulcans. Mike: Meaning that every seven years, Dipsy tried to shag like a crazed mink. > Eventually Tinky Winky tried to go to bed and >discovered Po already there. The ever-present narrator announced a >solution, which Tinky Winky promptly repeated. Tom : [Narrator] Kill them all. Let the streets run red with their blood. Mike: [TW] Kill 'em ull! S'eets 'un 'ed w'th b'ood! > >"Hooray! Tinky Winky s'eep in Po bed! Yay! Tinky Winky s'eep in Po >bed!" > >"No need to sound so thrilled about it," she muttered. "Talk about >underage--" She subsided at Tom's look, Crow: Thank you, Tom. Tom : Huh? > though less from repentance >than incredulity that he, of all people, didn't see the subtext >himself. > Mike: You'd think that Paris' huge collection of porn would help him figure it out. Crow: Go fig. >Po's bed being about half the size of Tinky Winky himself, the large >blue teletubby - predictably - didn't fit. Tom : It might be a hide-a-bed. > He spent five minutes >describing the dilemma, and another five trying to find somewhere to >sleep, all to no avail. The table was too hard, the slide was too >slippery - no wonder, Kathryn thought, when he tried to sleep halfway >up it - and just when all the possibilities had been exhausted, Po >woke up. How convenient. > Crow: Janeway is, after all, an expert in convenient timing. >"Eh oh!" > >"Eh oh, Po!" > >"Eh oh, Tinky Winky!" > >You've already *said* that, Kathryn thought impatiently. > Tom : Yeah! Have someone punch up the script already! >"*Big* hug," Po suggested. Tinky Winky repeated the statement and Po >hugged the blue teletubby's legs. Well, perhaps the height difference >wasn't quite that bad, Kathryn conceded, but it was still ridiculous. > Mike: Just like Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. Tom : Good Mike. Use a ten-year-old reference. >"Bye-bye, Tinky Winky!" > >"Bye-bye, Po!" > Crow: Bye-bye Vladimir Horwitz! Bye-bye Gwen Stefani! Bye-bye Louis Freed! >The little red 'tubby scampered off looking ridiculously pleased with >herself - what had *she* been dreaming about, Kathryn wondered - and >muttering something that sounded like "Potty, potty!" > Mike: Wakko? Is that you? >Tinky Winky climbed into bed, rolling from one side to the other until >the sheet was tucked neatly between his legs where it rubbed with >every movement. This was becoming half drivel, half pornography. Crow: What would be a good porn movie name for the tubbies? Hmm... Ooh! The Ti... Mike: No. > As >the narrator said, Tinky Winky was "*very* comfortable." > Tom : It must be a craftmatic adjustable bed. >Just when she thought she'd have to sit through another ten minutes of >snoring, self-pleasuring teletubbies, the scene switched back to the >rabbit-infested hill outside. Kathryn remembered her grandfather's >Welsh rabbit with a wistful sigh and ducked as a pinwheel suddenly >started showering jagged pink projectiles in all directions. > Crow: Next on Fox, it's "When Pinwheels Attack!" >Tom plucked one out of the air and presented it to her with a flourish >that suggested some kind of sleight-of-hand. "Eh oh, Captain!" > >She accepted it hesitantly. "Um... Eh oh, Tom." > Tom : Oh, fine. Now you talk to me! I've riffed and I've riffed and I've riffed in an effort to get you to notice me, and you've ignored me! And *now* you expect me to talk with you?! Well, it doesn't work that way, missy! [Tom begins to sob.] [Mike and Crow stare at Tom for a moment.] Mike: [To Crow] This is like that Creepygirl obsession you were telling me about, right? Crow: [To Mike] Yep. >He grinned as if to say, "That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" and >turned back to the holograms. > Mike: Jem was just warming up to start her set. >The teletubbies had emerged from their home inside the hill and were >waving their legs in the air, giggling. As Kathryn watched, the grey >squares on their stomachs took turns glowing blue for a second or two, >inspiring shrieks of laughter. Evidently the teletubbies were very >ticklish. > [Tom stops sobbing and looks up at the screen.] Tom : I know. Heh, heh, heh. Mike: Tom, you're creeping us out again. >Suddenly they all stood and rushed to the top of the hill they were >on, standing happily in height order. The biggest teletubby's stomach >activated again, the inverted triangle attached to his head glowing >at the same time. He thrust his pelvis forward with a suggestive leer >then the shine passed to the next-tallest teletubby. > Crow: Okay, so the shine is an STD. Got it. >After each 'tubby had done its suggestive best, they started again at >the beginning of the line. This time Tinky Winky's stomach stayed >grey and instead he declared "Tinky Winky!" in the sort of tone that >needed no other words. Come and get it, baby. > Crow: Wow. So PBS is a porn channel now, huh? >The other three followed Tinky Winky's lead and finally the glow >settled on the youngest, Po. Po looked absolutely thrilled. The >bigger 'tubbies gathered round, *extremely* close to her. And they >used to show this to children? > Mike: Well, people who liked dressing up like children. >The square on Po's stomach suddenly showed a picture of three children >shouting "Hello, hello, hello, hello!" over and over. Tom : The early years of the Three Stooges. > The teletubbies >returned the greeting and the picture grew larger so it could easily >be viewed by the crew. > >The children introduced themselves; Jodie, Ishmael, and 'Nim'. "Let's >find Aandeh!" they decided, Mike: We'll start in Amish town! > in the sort of accent that could have come >straight from one of the more conservative colony worlds. > Crow: Like North Carolina. >Then followed a scene that rivaled a meeting of the Federation Council >for boredom; Andy teaching the children how to find snails. Mike: Andy? You mean Andy Richter, lovable sidekick to Conan O'Brian? Crow: Or Andy Dick from "Newsradio" and the Ben Stiller Show? Tom : Or is it Andy Rooney helping them search for snails, and wondering why do people eat snails? Even cooked they're disgusting little pieces of meat. You can only taste them for a second, and then they're gone. And you've paid $80 for the experience. Why do people do that? > When it >was finally over the teletubbies taught Kathryn the true meaning >of horror; they begged "Again! Again again!" and whoever was >controlling the pinwheel gave in. Crow: That must look good on a resume. "I controlled the pinwheel." Mike: I did that for three months at the temp job, actually. Tom : Really? Where? Mike: CNN. Turner has a thing for them. > The scene began all over again. > Crow: Great! We've got some different riffs that we'd like to use! >The program was only supposed to be half an hour long, Kathryn >recalled. Hadn't it been longer than that already? It seemed like >hours. Mike: Now you know how we feel. Tom: Watch "Hobgoblins" sometime. That one felt like it went on for years. > She'd have mentally inspected every report in her ready room >by the time it ended if this kept up. > >Finally the scene ended. Again. The sun burbled for ten seconds >without interruption, then another ten seconds produced several clips >of the hills. The 'tubbies marched into view, holding onto the waist >of the 'tubby in front and, as always, in height order from tallest to >smallest. > >"Cha cha cha cha cha, *hah*!" they chanted, and Kathryn's heart sank. >A conga line. Of teletubbies. Mike: Still, it beats that blasted dancing baby. > What had she done to deserve this? > Crow: Fiddler's Moon. >Mercifully, one of the periscopes interrupted them to announce, "Time >for tubby bye-bye. Time for tubby bye-bye." > >Thank goodness for *that*. She wasn't sure she could have stood five >more seconds of that drivel. > Mike: [Paris] And now, five more seconds of this drivel! Crow: A really, really, really long five seconds of drivel. >Unfortunately, the 'Tubby Bye-Bye' sequence lasted a lot longer than >just five seconds. Kathryn watched disbelievingly as the voice of the >periscope bid goodbye to each of the teletubbies in turn. And just >when she thought it was finally over, they all popped up again with >cries of "Boo!" > Tom : The Teletubbies star in "I Vaguely, Kinda Recall What You Did Last Summer." >"Nooo," the voice admonished lightly. > >"Nooo," they mimicked. > >"Bye-*bye*, Tinky Winky," and the whole thing started over again. > Mike: So, Kim's going to walk into Janeway's office then? >The female voice from the beginning of the show explained, "The sun >is setting in the sky. Teletubbies, say bye-bye." > >Dipsy marched to the top of the house-hill and waved. "Bye-bye," he >said, then jumped down the hole they'd shot out of earlier. Laa Laa >did the same, then Po, then finally Tinky Winky. Now was it over? >Apparently not. Dipsy poked his head back up. "Bye-bye," he said >cheerfully. > Crow: All right already! Just leave! >That was *it*. Kathryn let out a growl of frustration and muttered a >sharp command to the computer. Tom looked at her in alarm as a >compression phaser rifle materialised in her hands. > Crow: Katherine Janeway, ex-postal worker. >"What Captain do?" > >She gave him an icy glare and loaded the rifle emphatically. "Time >for tubby bye-bye, Lieutenant." > Mike: [Janeway] If I just shoot Dipsy, Jodie Foster will like me! >Another command produced the teletubbies, tied to stakes in easy >firing range. The crew emanated horrified silence. > >"Bye-bye Tinky Winky." The blue 'tubby collapsed with a smoking hole >in his chest. > Mike: [TW, Hurriedly] I regret that I have only one life to live for my country! Gaaah! >"Bye-bye Dipsy." Crow: [Dipsy] You can't do this! I'm in the actor's union! AHHHHH!!!! > Laa Laa and Po grinned in concern as their 'friend' >crumpled. > Mike : [Laa Laa] Well, they did always hog the bathroom... >"Bye-bye Laa Laa." Their guts splattered quite nicely, Kathryn mused. > Tom : It is the Feebles! AIIIEEEEEE!!!!! Mike: Calm down! >"Bye-bye Po." The smallest of the teletubbies virtually exploded as >the blast from the phaser rifle hit. Kathryn smirked in satisfaction >and was about to turn when the teletubbies suddenly leapt up, holes >and all. > Crow: George Romero's Night of the Tubbies! Mike: Well, they might have just respawned... >"Boo!" > >"Nooo!" she wailed. It wasn't fair! > Tom : Austin Powers had foiled her evil scheme, yet again. >"Nooo," they mimicked. The sun burbled sarcastically. > Crow: Gee. Even the sun is against Janeway. Mike: She's having a rough week. >Suddenly the narrator spoke again. "The crew of the Voyager >wanted to attack their captain." > Crow: Then they wanted to attack Roger Lodge for his performance on the Soup. >"What?!" Kathryn stared upwards, then at the crew. > >"Oh," said the Doctor, in a frighteningly childish tone. All : WHAT? Crow: Dragging Picardo into this like that! How dare you? Mike: How can you live with yourself, Sasscat? > "'Tack the >cap'ain." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising >it with overacted scowls and menacing actions, while the vacuum >cleaner scooted up to Kathryn's side with the same worried look. Tom >gave her a friendly smile as he told the computer to give him a phaser >rifle and disengage the safeties. > Mike: Phaser control groups began to write letters of protest to UPN for glamorizing the use of phasers. >"The Doctor attacked the captain," the voice narrated. The fellow >hologram looked surprised for a moment as the rest of the crew turned >to look at him. > >"'Tack, 'tack," he repeated, and smiled as Tom handed him the rifle. Crow: Tak? Have we crossed over to _Desperation_ now? >"'Tack." Kathryn unfroze and dived out of the way as he lifted the >rifle and fired. Gods, this had to be a nightmare, one of those >really bad ones that make you flinch for days. Mike: She turned, and Marrissa Picard waved at her. Crow: A really, really, really, really bad dream that would make her flinch for days. > She looked around >wildly for some sort of cover, realising that she'd dropped her rifle >avoiding the Doctor's shot. > >Chakotay looked about to object as the voice said, "Tom attacked the >captain," then apparently realised his turn would come. > Tom : UPN would give him a series too, just like the one they gave Terry Farrell. >Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *one >hundred and forty-six times*. A hundred and forty-five; B'Elanna was >in Engineering. Yeah, like one person would make any difference. Mike: I see that Janeway needs to have a talk with the Soul Hunter. >Luck had saved her from one shot; could she evade another? > >Apparently so, although Chakotay's grazed her shoulder. Ow, ow, ow, >that was *hot*. Part of her hoped they were deliberately missing, but >from the brainwashed grins on their faces she somehow doubted it. > Crow: Obviously, they're still peeved at that "Night" episode. >"Computer, a personal shield strong enough to withstand compression >phaser rifle fire, *now*!" Tom : A pretty red, white, and blue adamantium shield appeared in her hand. Mike: Steve Rogers quickly filed suit for copyright infringement. > It appeared in her hand and she activated >it just in time to avoid becoming a smear for Naomi Wildman to wipe >on her face. > >"Harry attacked the captain." Mike: KILL JANEWAY WITH SWORD. Tom : The Janeway takes a fatal blow and slumps to the floor dead. Almost as soon as the Janeway breathes her last breath, a cloud of sinister black fog envelops her, and when the fog lifts, the carcass has disappeared. Your sword is no longer glowing. > >"End program," she commanded desperately, flinching slightly as the >shield flared from Harry's attack. "End *program*, dammit!" > >"Tuvok attacked the captain." > Tom : Tuvok was a victim of peer pressure. >The shield flared and died as Tuvok's precise shot hit it. *She'd* be >dead in a minute if she didn't think of something. This was one of >those things they'd never covered in Command School. > Mike: Actually, they did cover it at the Academy. Tom : It was in the class just after "What to do if your buddy Finnegan suddenly appears out of nowhere and tries to beat you up" class. >"The crew of the Voyager wanted to *kill* their captain." > >Kathryn cut short a hysterical laugh. Hadn't they just been trying to >do that for the last five minutes? > Mike: Janeway! Just turn on God Mode already. Crow: Yeah! Stop dragging this out! >"The Doctor killed the captain." > Tom : Violating the Hippocratic Oath. >"Computer, override command-one EMH-alpha and end program," she tried. >The Doctor shimmered into temporary non-existence, buying her some >time. > >"But the captain deactivated the Doctor first." > >"Eh oh," the crew chorused. "Cap'ain deakkivate Dokka." > Crow: The Captain deactivated Dockers? Who wears Dockers on Voyager? >"The crew killed their captain together." > Mike: Ah. The dreaded Voyager Crew Rush. >"Kill cap'ain *together*," Chakotay declared. "Kill kill kill tubby >tubby tubby tubby tubby." > Tom : Ahhhh!!! [sobbing] o/~ Meet the Tubbies! Meet the Tubbies! They're not your average, ordinary, er, Tubbies! o/~ >"Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby," Tom repeated. The >rest of the crew took up the chant. "Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby >tubby tubby." > Mike: Well, it's nice, but it's not as good as Data's "Life Forms" song from "Generations." >Tom flashed her an "Isn't this fun?" grin as the crowd advanced. >"Time for tubby bye-bye..." > > > | > _|_ > /\/ \/\ > \_ _/ > \___/ > Tom : When Gotham City is threatened, Commissioner Gordon fires up the Tubby signal! > THE END > [Silence] Tom : Well... Mike: Uh. Crow: So. [A moment more of silence.] Crow: That was an upbeat ending. Mike: Thank goodness that it wasn't an X-Files story. Then it would ended with someone's head being bashed in with a ballpeen hammer. Tom : Let's get out of here. Fast. [Mike picks up Tom, and they quickly scamper out of the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [The Tubbies are marching around the Bridge, singing a song. Unforunately, the song seems to consist only of the words, "Teletubbies!" The Tubbies don't seem to mind though. The same can't be said of Mike, Crow, and Tom, who stand behind the Tubbies, aghast.] Tubbies: o/~ Teletubbies! Teletubbies! o/~ [The Tubbies continue to march and sing.] Crow: Wow. Tom : Yeah. Crow: This is bizarre. Mike: Have either of you two ever ridden the "Small World" ride? [The Tubbies begun to sing a Tubby version of "It's a Small World After All."] Crow: No. Tom : Me neither. Mike: It's a lot like this. Tom : Still, it is fairly "exciting." [Crow and Mike stare at Tom for a moment.] Crow: Tom, we're going to shun you again. [Mike and Crow step over to the left side of the Bridge. The camera follows.] Crow: So, how long are we going to suffer through this? Mike: Probably until the next Tubby sign. Crow: And if Tubby sign never comes? Mike: Well, I had a friend who was once trapped on the Small World ride for six hours. When he came out, he'd forgotten how to eat solid foods. Crow: Great. Can I go warm up my chainsaw, just in case? [The camera pulls back, and we see that the Castle Light is flashing. ] Mike: Let's see what Pearl wants first. [Mike hits the light.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl stands in the foreground, still clad in fatigues.] Pearl: Hello again, Mike. Those children's show people are still besieging us here and well, it's really getting on my nerves. I'm even beginning to consider things that I really shouldn't... [SoL] Mike: You mean, like letting us down from here? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [Laughing] Yeah, right. [Sobering up] No, I mean, I agreed to one of Bobo's suggestions. I'll let him tell you about it. I'm going to wash my hands. I feel unclean, somehow. [Bobo walks into view.] Bobo: Hello Mike! I had a thought the other day. "Say!" I said, "We've sent Mike hundreds of these stories and he's never broken down yet. Maybe he's become immune to bad entertainment..." [SoL] Mike: So, since I'm immune, you'll be letting me down then, right? [Castle Forrester] Bobo: [Laughing] Oh, suuure Mike. No, I thought, since you're immune, maybe we should try to break people before they become adults. And when the Tubbies showed up, bingo. Perfect test subjects. So, we're going to send them into the theater. [SoL] Crow: You fiend! Mike: Have you not an ounce of human decency left in you? Tom : [O.S.] Shake it, Po! Mike: [To Crow] Go sedate him, or something. Crow: I'll get the clown hammer. [Crow exits to the right.] [Castle Forrester] Bobo: [Puzzled] Mike, I'm not human, remember? I am a Mountain Gorilla! Proud descendent of Chi... [The camera pulls back to show Observer and Pearl glaring at Bobo.] Bobo: Oops. Heh-heh. Anyway, off to the theater, Tubbies! [SoL] Mike: Um, they've got Tubby sign. I guess. [The lights flash, and the Tubbies stumble off into the theater.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The Tubbies shamble into the theater and sit down in the aisle. After a moment or two, Mike's silhouette appears in the theater and guides the Tubbies into the seat. Mike exits, and the text begins to scroll.] >(Nature documentary guy voice) > >Today,we will be examining Dipsy: Zaminin! > the televisius tubbarius. Better known as >Tele-tubbies. All : Eh-oh Tubbies! > Here in their natural evirons T-W: Where evons? > of a make believe >world,the tubbies need no natural defenses Po: Heh-heh! Phences! > as there are no predators >here. All : Eh-oh pedaters! [The scene quickly shifts to Castle Forrester, where Pearl and her associates are watching the experiment with looks of horror on their face.] Pearl: [To Bobo, angrily] They're riffing the story! Observer: Not very well though. Bobo: No, they're not riffing it! They think that the Tubbies on the screen are actual Tubbies! Give it a chance, Lawgiver! [Pearl stares at Bobo for a long moment, then speaks.] Pearl: All right. We'll give it a few more minutes. [Back to the theater.] > As you can imagine, Laa Laa: 'Magin! > a good predator could make quick work of >these overly cute abominations. All: Eh oh! > And,as otherwise we would be forced to >watch their happy care-free lives, Po: Pappy air-fee 'ife! > we have introduced such a predator. Laa-Laa: 'Oey 'Utteyfuto! >The bengal tiger. Dipsy: Eh-oh! Iger! > Here we see the tiger Po: Eh-oh! Iger! All : Eh-oh! Iger! Iger! [The shouts of 'Eh-oh! Iger, Iger, Iger!' continue, drowning out the narration.] [Castle Forrester.] Pearl: Bobo!! End this fiasco! NOW! Bobo: Yes Lawgiver. [Back in the theater, Mike appears and shoos the Tubbies out of the theater. The door sequence begins.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [SoL] [Mike and the bots are trying hard to suppress grins. They're not doing well.] Crow: That went well. [Snicker] Tom: Yeah, [snort] it. . . sure . . . did. . . [Tom and Crow break out into fits of laughter.] Mike: [Grinning] So..., what now? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Stow it Mike. Brain guy, get the next piece ready for Mike. I've got business to take care of. Bobo, have you ever been eaten alive by fire ants? Bobo: Why no, Lawgiver. I haven't... yipe! [Bobo rushes offscreen with Pearl in hot pursuit.] [SoL] Mike: Hey Observer? Since the experiments aren't working on anyone up here, why don't you just let us go, okay? [Castle Forrester] Observer: [Laughing] Michael, Michael, Michael. Not a chance. Enjoy your next story! It's another crossover! Heh-heh-heh. [SoL] Mike: Well, I tried. Crow: Great. We still have Tubby Sign though! All : Ahhhh! Tubby Sign! [They hit the lights, and the door sequence begins again.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and sits.] Mike: Well, a crossover. Crow: I hope that the tubbies head over to Bear's house, and Bear eats them. >From usenet-199806171145.VAA27284=magna.com.au@chaos.taylored.com Wed Jun 17 >06:45:57 1998 >Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative All : Uh-oh. Mike: Here comes the ballpeen hammers.... Crow: No, this might be an angst fic where Mulder's love for Scully is tested after she begins to date a tubby. Tom : Or a thrilling conspiracy arc episode where Mulder discovers that one of the Tubbies is actually his transmogrified sister! And another is what's his name, you know, the guy whose hat Mulder has? Mike: [Mumbling] I'd prefer the hammers to either of those options. >Subject: A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1 >From: X-Files-Fanfic List taylored.com> >Date: 17 Jun 1998 11:45:57 -0000 > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > I did not write this. Mike: But if a story has no author, how can it be written? Crow: Ooh. How zen. > This story was originally posted to the X-Files > Fan Fiction mailing list. Tom : The XFFFML. Providing Mulder-Scully angst to the wired community since 1992. > It was automatically posted to atxc by > request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail > address in the message body. Mike: Or you send the feedback to your local representative of the conspiracy. They'll get it to the author. Bruha-ha-ha!!!!!! > For more information about the mailing > list, visit http://www.chaos.taylored.com/chaos/mailing-lists.html Crow: Or visit your public library. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Mike: Wow. They're queuing up really early for "The Phantom Menace." > > >I did not write this. I am merely posting it for a friend. Tom: o/~ I'm just waiting on an e-mail. I'm just posting for a friend. o/~ >Please direct all comments to her. > >%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% > Crow: Wow. Percentage signs. Mike: That's a new one. Tom: AHHHH!!!!!! I can't riff percentage signs! NOOOOOO!!!!!! Mike: Calm down! It's easy. Look! It's the 78 eyes of Su-Maru! Tom: [pause] Okay, I'm calm, but now I'm disgusted at that horrible riff. Mike: Just as long as you're not screaming anymore. > >A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1 Crow: Join us as the Tubbies investigate disappearances near the old Peacock place! It'll be really fun! >Deslea R. Judd >drjudd@tig.com.au Mike: Hey! She's Australian! Maybe I should speak some of that Aussie lingo to make her... [The bots turn to glare at Mike.] Mike: [Quietly] Perhaps a little later then. > drjudd@catholic.org >Copyright 1998 > Tom : No, Father Time has copyright on 1998. >DISCLAIMER > Tom : I have not, nor will I ever read the novels of Sutter Cane. Crow: Thanks for sharing that. >This work is based on The X Files, a creation of Chris Carter owned by him, >Twentieth Century Fox, and Ten-Thirteen Productions; and the Teletubbies, a >creation of Ragdoll Productions (UK) and BBC. Mike: Although James Carville blames them on Ken Starr. > Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa >and Po remain the intellectual property of the latter parties and other >characters remain the property of the former parties. They are used >without their consent and without commercial gain. > Crow: Damn! I had plans for a great X-Files/Tubbies video game. >Spoilers: None except for my son's television viewing habits. > Tom : Years later, this document became the root cause of the collapse of the Judd coalition in Parliament. Mike: Follow the leadership of a Tubby fan? Never! >Category: Humour, XF/Teletubbies Crossover. > >Rating: PG-13 for mild language. > Crow: I'm beginning to suspect that Stone and Parker were involved in the writing of this. >Summary: The Teletubbies call Mulder for help finding their favourite >things. Mike: Mulder quickly finds the mittens and the raindrop-soaked roses, but those kittens are murder! > Mulder, thinking them strange alien creatures, drags Scully off to >Teletubbyland to investigate. And what do Miss Omnipotent Writer, Tea >Leoni, Samantha Fox, Toyah Wilcox and the M15 have to do with it all? > Tom: Er, nothing? Mike: To find out how Encylopedia Brown solved the mystery, turn to page 133. >Fan mail is always appreciated!!! Mike: You can send that fan mail to: MST3K Info Club PO Box 5325 Hopkins, MN 55343 Crow: Mike? Mike: Sorry. Force of habit. > My e-mail is drjudd@tig.com.au or >drjudd@catholic.org. Archivists, feel free to add this to your >collections; but be sure to let me know. This and my other stories may be >found at http://homepages.tig.com.au/~drjudd (shameless plug). > >A Teletubby X File *PG-13* 1/1 Mike: And the titles begin again. Crow: Maybe this is a crossover with "Prince of Darkness" too. >Deslea R. Judd >drjudd@tig.com.au drjudd@catholic.org >Copyright 1998 > > One day in Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies were playing with their >favourite things. [Silence] Tom : Er, we're going to learn a lot more about the Tubbies' reproductive systems than we ever really wanted to know, aren't we? Mike: I don't think so. This is a PG-13 story. Crow: Have you seen what they get away with in PG-13 films these days? All : Uh-oh. > Tinky Winky had his nice red bag, Dipsy had his black >and white hat, Laa-Laa had her beautiful big orange ball, and Po had her >scooter. Mike: Honor had a treecat. Tom : Oliver had his Bannana 3000. Crow: Gallagher has his big mallet and his watermelons. Tom: Duncan had his sword. Mike: Quinn had his portal. Crow: Mike had his planet chunks. Mike: You shush. > But one by one, the Teletubbies' favourite things began to >disappear. They looked //everywhere//, but their favourite things could >not be found. Mike: British toy manufacturers had stolen them for use as prototypes in making cheap Tubbies merchandise for the kiddies. > "Where bag?" Tinky Winky asked. Mike: It's left at the gas station, then right at the second intersection, go straight 20 miles, look for the McDonald's billboard, you can't miss it. > "Where hat?" Dipsy asked. > "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked. Crow: I'm getting flashbacks to all of the incoherent fanfic that we've ever read. Tom : Check the credits again. I'm betting that SR's name might show up. > (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, "Ball!" and >pointed at the ball madly, but that's neither here nor there). Tom : Ooh. This is going to be odd on a meta level too. Crow: Then the 20-month-old pointed at the philodendron and chimed in... well, you get the idea. > "Where cooter?" Po asked, for she could not say 'scooter'. Mike: As she had a malformed septum. > "Uh-oh!" the Teletubbies cried together. Crow: For only by speaking in one voice can the workers be heard... Mike: Please. Again with the "People United!" agenda? When will you learn that the achievements of individuals are all that matter? Tom : Can we postpone the meeting of the SoL Literary Journal until later, please? > (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, 'Uh-oh!' at >a very high pitch). Mike: I'll say! It was five feet over home base! > "Never mind," Po said. "Big hug!" Mike: The Tubbies had fallen under Leo Busalgia's evil sway... > The Teletubbies hugged one another. > (The narrator hugged her 20-month-old, mainly because that's the >only way she could think of to animate the phrase "hugged one another"). Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had the same problem. > Teletubbies love each other very much. Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had... Mike: Enough. > (The narrator, who had just spent $15 on a Po stuffed toy for her >20-month-old traitor to commercialism, said, "Pah!" under her breath). Crow: See? It's the market's fault... Tom : Don't start on that thread again either. > Just the same, when the nice narrator didn't kick in with a quick >easy solution, the Teletubbies got worried. Love's all very well, but you >can't ride it. Tom : Yep. You can't start it like a car, and you can't shoot it like a gun either. > At least not on a children's show. And you can't throw it. Mike: [Mumbling] Tell that to my ex. She threw it in my face often enough... >At least not without a restraining order. I suppose you can wear or carry >it with enough determination, but well, it just isn't the same. Tom : Tell me about it. > And when >you're a boy who's into hats and bags, well, you have to get as much >mileage out of your preschool years as possible before big people start >telling you only girls can do that, making you resort to hiding in the >closet with your nice clothes and accessories. Crow: Unless you're RuPaul. Then it's the start of a good career. > But then, Po had an idea. She picked up the Teletubbyphone and >called an American number. Tom : Specifically, she called 56. He'd been in California, laying low until things blew over with 42 and 23. > There was only one person who could help them >now. Crow: [Adam West] Yes, Comissioner Po? King Tut is attacking the Egypt exhibit at the Gotham Dance Studios? We'll be right there! > "Mulder." Tom : Mulder, is that you? Mike: Huh? Tom : Sorry. Force of habit. > "Eh-oh, Mu-dher. Me Po." > "You're Po, you say?" Mulder asked, instantly on the alert. That >voice wasn't human. Crow: Granted, Mulder thought that about the pizza delivery guy too... > "Me Po. Where cooter?" Tom : [Mulder] Cooter? He's probably still in Hazard County, with those Duke boys. > //Hmm,// Mulder thought. //Me...where...the creature has some >English, then.// Mike: Mulder's in The Creature Has Some English, Then? Crow: Isn't that near Manitoba? > "You're looking for your cooter, Po?" Mike: Something heard every weekend in Arkansas... > The creature's voice became plaintive. "Where cooter?" she asked >mournfully. Crow: [Po] Verily, if mine cooter dost not be discovered quickly, then I whilst surely goeth mad! > "You want me to come help you find your cooter, Po?" Tom : And they claim Mulder's slow. > "There!" Po said with great satisfaction. Mike: Then Po lit a cigarette. Tom : Great Satisfaction wondered what Po was talking about. > "There? You've found your cooter?" Mulder asked in confusion. Mike: A state that Mulder's in quite a bit. > "Where cooter?" she asked again plaintively. Crow: [Po] I'm just going to keep asking you until you find it... > "Does 'there' mean you //want// me to come and help?" he asked >desperately. Mike: [Mulder] I'm flailing here! Come on! Just one coherent sentence! Please!!!! > "There!" Po said again vigorously. Tom : Po's practicing the power of positive thinking. > "I'll be right there," Mulder said firmly, and hung up. Mike: [Mulder] Wait. I have no idea where there is. Better *69 'em... > In Teletubbyland, Po looked at the telephone in confusion. >Normally people made her say "Bye!" four or five times and laughed when she >kept popping up. Crow: The people in Teletubbyland also found the "Earnest" films to be highly amusing. > Po started to cry. > The narrator sighed and said, "Time for Po to go to bed." Crow: [Po] Awww. Can I stay up until Pacific Blue's over? > Po brightened. "Bye!" she cried, waving madly, and popped behind >the phone. Mike: [Po] Hey! Who left their sandwich back here? > The narrator waited. > Po popped up again. The narrator pretended to laugh. Tom : It'd be so much easier if they'd just install a laugh track... > "No," she >chastised gently. "Time for Po to go to bed." > Po waved again. "Bye!" she cried, and popped behind the phone. > Po popped up again, but the narrator ignored her. > Mike: Just like she was ignoring Billy Idol. Crow: Po didn't like that. Po snuck up behind the narrator, grabbed a huge knife, and- > Meanwhile, in Washington, Mulder slapped down a plane ticket in >front of Scully. "Come on, Scully; we're going to Britain." Crow: [Mulder] I'll be investigating reports of alien blancmanges at Wimbleton. Tom : [Mulder] Skinner wants us to protect the Spice Girls. Mike: [Mulder] My one man show is opening in the Theater district, and I'll need to make sure that Harvey Firestein gets me right. > "Phoebe got an itch she wants scratched?" she asked, bored. Tom : [Scully] Or does Rachel still have a crush on Ross? Or is there a problem with Monica? Hmmm? Crow: And just for variety, a distinct lack of exposition. > She'd >have filed her nails, but, well, it just doesn't do for an Agent to look >like a secretary. Mike: Right. Besides, secretaries make more money than FBI agents do. > Besides, formaldehyde played havoc with polish anyway. >Blasted autopsies. Crow: Scully really should have become a dermatologist. She seems to be much better suited for dermatology. > Mulder gave her a baleful glare. "I just received a mysterious >telephone call. Mike: [Mulder] It appears to have been from a bunch of lovely ladies who were just waiting for me to call. And it only cost me $1.99 a minute. > I traced it to an unmapped region called Teletubbyland. Crow: [Scully] So all its links were text based? > A >strange alien creature was asking for help in locating its cooter." Tom : [Scully] [Pause] Mulder, have you been drinking Nyquil shooters again? > Resisting the temptation to ask either (a) how he knew where the >region was, or that it existed, or its name, if it was unmapped, Mike: Well, Teletubbieland does have an active ad campaign. Tom : Come to Teletubbieland! You may not know where it is, but it's really nice! > (b) how he >knew the creature was alien, Crow: Simple. The Lone Gunmen have a dossier on the Tubbies. > or (c) why on earth he kept following up on >these mysterious phone calls which always meant a tiresome mytharc episode >or three, Crow: Or a movie that doesn't really explain a damn thing about the blasted mytharc stuff. [mumbling] And then gets summarized in the first five minutes of the season premiere... > she demanded, "What the hell's a cooter?" Scully said 'hell' >quite a bit to try and kill her prim and proper image, but she usually >sounded more like someone who's just discovered the word and is trying it >out. (In that sense, she had quite a bit in common with the Teletubbies, >an insight she wouldn't have thanked the narrator for, who wisely kept it >to herself). Tom : Great! We've got blackmail material on the author now! > "How the hell do I know?" Mulder demanded. Mulder said 'hell' a >lot, too, so that Scully wouldn't look tougher than him; but considering >this is a man who has been overpowered by every criminal on the East Coast, Tom: At least he hasn't been Magic: The Gatheringed by every felon in Los Angeles. Crow: Or Star Trek CCG'd by all the petty thieves on the Gulf of Mexico. >including a man whose battlecry was 'You're a damn good-looking man', Mike: And he got beaten up by Dr. Forrester too. > he >didn't have much success. (In that sense, he had quite a bit in common >with Matthew on Newsradio, Crow: Mulder had a crush on Bill McNeil too? > an insight he wouldn't have thanked the narrator >for, who wisely kept it to herself while congratulating herself on her >tact). Mike: The narrator went for running gags. In that sense, she had quite a bit in common with one of the co-authors of this MiSTing, an insight he will not thank me &*FOR*&! [Mike leaps up from the theater chair.] Crow: Hmm, wonder how that tack got there. Mike: [rubbing his hinder] Yeah, I wonder. [Mike cautiously sits down again.] > Scully took a glance over the narrator's shoulder. "Hey, take a >look at what this broad's writing about us! Mike: [Scully] This lousy dame has me yappin' in 1930's slang! Ain't that a corker?! > Gimme that, Miss Omnipotent >Writer. FILING MY NAILS? I have a million-dollar contract, and you think >I do my own nails?" > "That's Gillian, not Scully," the narrator corrected helpfully. >"And they're acrylic infills, not nails," she added, tact forgotten. > "That's IT!" Scully screeched. Crow: Come on. That Steven King episode didn't have anything to do with Pennywise. > She stood back in a generic >martial-arts pose, and the narrator belatedly remembered that Gillian >Anderson did her own stunts. Which meant this was gonna HURT. Tom : It also meant that certain members of the GAEB would have paid big money to be in her place. > She wrote hurriedly. Mike: The spell checker would get lots of use tonight. > The heroine stood there against the light, her burnished hair like >copper set aflame. She looked like a Greek goddess, warlike, exquisite. Crow: Ah. Kissing up. Our first line of defense When Hollywood Attacks! Mike: Next on Fox. > Scully stopped, a sweet little smile on her face. "Really?" she >asked, her cheeks a pretty pink. > Encouraged, the narrator kept writing. Tom : She had yet to have her spirit crushed by an unending series of form rejection letters. Mike: [mumbling] Damn that ten-thirteen Productions. Crow: Mike, we warned you that they wouldn't want a script where Mulder and Scully try to find out where your ex-girlfriend is. Tom : She's gone, and you're not getting that keyboard back. Mike: Damn. > Succumbing to her allure was so tempting...to kiss those full, red >lips; to gaze deep into those azure eyes; to suck on those sweetly >swelling-" Tom : Surreally slowly stirring shivering simply slightly sticky- Mike: Tom, people from the Alliteration Agency are here. They want you to put down the beginning consonant. > Scully spoke. "Uh...there's no need to overdo it." > "To move lower, to descend into the valley of the goddess-" > Scully gulped. "Don't go there, honey. That kinda action ain't >in my contract." Mike: To hell with that! Keep going! Crow: [To Tom] We have to get him off this station. Or at least get him a date. Tom : [To Crow] How about one of those Russian mail order brides? Crow: [To Tom] That could work. We'll talk later. > The narrator shrugged. "Have it your way. Weren't you asking >Mulder what a cooter was?" > Scully turned to Mulder. "Yeah, what //is// a cooter?" (The >narrator was starting to realise how Ed Jerse talked her into getting a >tattoo so easily). Tom : Two words: Peppermint schnapps. > "I heard that," Scully hissed. > "Don't ask me," Mulder shrugged. "Come on, we'll miss our flight." > "No, we won't," Scully said confidently. She arched an eyebrow at >the narrator in challenge. Tom : So, you could say that she was... Mike: No! No! Tom: ... *browbeat*! Mike: Aargh... > "Uh...uh, no, you won't. Bon voyage!" > The narrator returned to Teletubbyland with relief. > > One day in Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies were waiting for Mulder >and Scully to arrive. Tinky Winky was making Tubby Toast, Laa-Laa was >tidying up, and Dipsy was looking out for their arrivals. Tom : Po was out trying to score some crank. > "Where Po?" Tinky Winky asked. Mike: Have you tried Starbucks? > "Where Po?" Laa-Laa asked. Crow: How about the Gap? They just got some sweater vests in... > "Where Po?" Dipsy asked. Tom : You don't suppose that she's joined the cast of "Oh, Calcutta!" do you? > Behind them, Po walked in. "Eh-oh, Tinky Winky! Eh-oh, Dipsy! >Eh-oh, Laa-Laa!" Crow: [Po] Power to you, my chubby brethren! > Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa-Laa turned around. "There Po!" they >cried in unision. (The narrator wondered briefly if she should use the >word 'unision' on a children's television show, but she figured if they >could cope with 'Tinky Winky' they could cope with anything). Crow: Why didn't they just use a saw? [Mike *looks* at Crow.] > They ran >over and hugged Po. Tom : Then they hugged Wlls, and then they hugged Vern. > "Big hug!" Mike: Yes. Yes it is. > Teletubbies love each other very much. Crow: Then why aren't there more of them? > ("Pah!" the narrator said. Teletubbies can't read, and her >20-month-old was asleep, so she could say what she liked). > "Where Po?" Dipsy asked Po. > Po had a vocabulary of perhaps twenty words, but she was able to >convey with a variety of hand signals and sounds that she had been telling >the rabbits in Teletubbyland not to panic if they heard the word 'Fox' in >conversation. Mike: It's a good thing the tubbies took that ASL class. > "Oooooh!" said the Teletubbies. "Clever Po!" Tom : How does Po know how to speak rabbit? Crow: Well, Teletubbies love each other very much, so that's one thing they have in common... Tom : Well, that's-hey! > (The narrator started to say something nasty, but thought better of >it. She supposed a fabric-covered two year old who could dial America >//was// pretty clever. She wondered with a chill whether //her// son could >do that, and ran off to call the phone company). Tom : So, she's going to casually call up the phone company and ask if they've received any calls from her number to 1-800-BARNEYTOYS? > Po spoke. "Oh, thank God she's gone. Crow: [Po] Her aura was just, like, bumming me out! > Now, how the hell are we >gonna tell those FBI agents what's happening without her knowing?" > Dipsy frowned. "We could set up a Scooby-Doo ending, where we >corner her and make her confess." Mike: Oh, so Mr. McGregor, the owner of the haunted amusement park, was behind this whole thing? Crow: Miiike, the story is riffing itself! > Laa-Laa shook her head. "Nah, that idiot Mulder would go and >confront her straight off. Isn't that what he always does with the bad >guys? I mean didn't anyone ever teach him about not blowing his cover? >Subtlety? Keeping hold of his gun?" Crow: They covered that last one in health class. Mike: Two words, Fox: Cold Showers. > Tinky Winky chimed in, "Not mixing brown with green? Tom : Damn. My fatigues are unfashionable! > I mean, have >you seen that guy's //ties//?" They turned to look at him, and he gave an >embarrassed shrug. "Well?" > "Well, considering you're purple with a triangle on your head and a >red handbag, I don't see that //you// have room to talk," Po pointed out. Mike: Apparently "Don't ask, don't tell" hasn't quite hit the BBC yet. >"Shut up, you lot, she's coming back!" > Tinky Winky bitched back, "This is all //your// fault! If you'd >only dropped out of sight at the end of the eighties-" Tom : Just like Bannanarama did? > Po hissed, "Shut up!" > The narrator settled down at her desk again to write. The >Teletubbies were huddled together. Crow: They were trying to figure out how to stop Terrell Davis. > She frowned, and cleared her throat. > Po jumped. Crow: "T'ampoline!" said Po. > "Big hug!" she said, too enthusiastically. "Big hug!" Mike: [Po] Hug me! Hug me, dammit! > Teletubbies love each other very much. Tom : Not in public though. That's illegal in most states. > The narrator groaned. "Yeah, all right, all right, knock it off. >We have a case to solve. Where are all your favourite things?" > "Where cooter?" Po asked, obediently. Crow: Now go fetch, girl! Mike: [Po] Arf! Ruff! > "Where hat?" asked Dipsy plaintively. Tom : Found it! Jamaraqui's wearing it right now. > "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked, doing a little spin and staring >skywards, as though it might fall into her arms. Tom : In other news, scientists today spotted an orange meteor, falling towards Teletubbyland. > "Where bag?" Tinky Winky whined. > Just then, there was a loud knock at the door. > Mike: Hmm. Who can it be knocking at their door? > Five minutes earlier, Mulder and Scully had walked into Teletubbyland. > "Something's wrong," Mulder said in a deadly whisper. "It's quiet >- too quiet. All : [Sighing] *Too* , too quiet. > I think it's a setup." Tom : You know, whatever else you say about this author, she sure has a handle on Mulder's character. Mike: True. > Scully rolled her eyes. "It's a peaceful clearing in the woods, >Mulder." > "It's too peaceful and the sun is too bright. The air is too >clean. It's as though it's been - sanitised." Crow: Oh, no! It's... THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES OF DOOM! > Scully produced her sunglasses. They were gray-tinted and lightly >frosted - she had had them made especially for Mulder. "Try these - you'll >feel better." > Mulder put them on, and a comforting gloomy haze descended. >Everything was dark and spooky. Crow: Ooh. Peril sensitive sunglasses. > "You're right, Scully. I don't know what >I was thinking." Scully wondered fleetingly whether Mulder himself was a >vampire. He certainly couldn't cope with light, after all...and she didn't >know where he slept, either. Could there be a coffin in his garage? Tom : Shh! Don't disturb the material for a possible sequel! > Dismissing these thoughts, she pointed to a low, wide hill. >"Mulder, look!" Mike: [Mulder] It's the missing copies of "Playing God"! [mumbling] I thought that they'd all been burned... > There was a strange, welded door built into the hill. Mulder ran >towards it excitedly. "Look, Scully! It's an alien craft covered with >grass!" Mike: Wow! Now Scully can ignore her visual sighting of spacecraft covered in grass *and* snow! > Scully groaned. "Whatever you say, Mulder." She followed him, >ready to rescue him from whatever scrape lay ahead of them. She drew her >gun. > The narrator intervened. "It's a G rated show!" she hissed. "Even >if there's an alien in there, they won't be able to hurt you and get it >past the censors! Put it away!" Tom : Oh, Bill? You might want to pay attention to that last sentence... > Scully looked at Miss Omnipotent Writer mutinously, but complied. > Mulder knocked on the door. "Open up! Federal Agents!" > "Not in this jurisdiction," Scully said mildly. > Crow: Take *that*, plot contrivance! > Po opened the door. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Po!" Tom : Julian Po, starring Christian Slater? Crow: Wow! > She threw her arms >around him. "Big hug!" > Teletubbies love sex symbols very much. Crow: Oh, like O + ? Mike: How did you... no, never mind. > Laa-Laa stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Laa-Laa!" She threw >her arms around her. "Big hug!" > Teletubbies love Greek goddesses very much. Mike: Well, that explains why Persephone is over in the corner reading a Cosmo, but why is Shiva in the broom closet? > Scully gave the narrator a dirty look. > Dipsy stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Dipsy!" He threw his >arms around him. "Big hug!" > Teletubbies love Tea Leoni very much, and this is the closest they >can come to touching her. > Mulder and Tea gave the narrator a dirty look. Crow: So, what's the smile to dirty look ratio so far? > Tinky Winky stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Tinky Winky!" He >threw his arms around her. "Big hug!" > Teletubbies love midgets very much. Tom : So does David Lynch. I'm not quite sure why. > Scully bared her teeth at the narrator. > The narrator was enjoying this immensely. > Crow: That's the good part of being an author... total power. Mellie: True. Jello: Yep. Mike: I'm not going to ask. > The Teletubbies bustled off, preparing Tubby Toast for their >guests. Privately, the agents conferred. Crow: They're offering Po $1.6 million to come back next season. Tom : Any share of the profit? Crow: .6% net. Tom : Hrmph. If they don't change that to gross, then you take Po right across the street to Disney. They'll pay her what she's worth. > "I couldn't see any zippers on those creatures, Scully," Mulder >said quietly. Scully had just suggested they might be costumed humans. All : Gasp! Mike: Say it isn't so, Scully! Tom : Of course, Scully did say the same thing about the aliens in the film, the vampires, those cockroaches, Jose Chung... > "Mulder, their so-called skins are made with commercially available >synthetic fabrics! Their eyes appear to be of solid plastic and their >noses have no obvious nasal membranes. Quite apart from the fact that they >claim to be male and female but have no apparent sexual organs." > Mulder had a sudden image of how a Teletubby might have sex and >shuddered. Crow: I'm guessing that slinkies, Toblerone and Ann Landers are involved somehow. > "G-rated show," the narrator reminded them. Mike: Thankfully. Tom : Hummina... > "Well, Mulder," Scully continued, "this is not our jurisdiction. >It seems to me that we should help them find their belongings as they've >asked, and refer the rest of your speculations to the M15 for further >investigation." Mike: But they can't as that would totally derail the plot. > Mulder shook his head. "Scully, I think this case is a ruse. I >think they //want// to be investigated, or that someone wants us to >investigate them - someone with control over this whole thing." Crow: You mean Mike Ovitz? > Scully gasped. > Mulder gasped. > "The //narrator//!" Tom: What? Did she gasp too? > The narrator shook her head. Mike: Wait, I thought the Teletubbies narrator was a man. Tom : Different person, I think. > "'Fraid not, sweeties. I'm as in the >dark as you. It was Po's idea to call you. You'll need to ask her. >Personally, I think it's as simple as she says - they want their things >back." Tom : Oh, c'mon! It's the X-files! When is *anything* as it seems? > Mulder thought quickly. "I know. We'll set up an ambush and see >what's under that head of hers." Mike: Probably a spine and some suddenly ruptured blood vessels. > The narrator protested, "No - you can't do that - there are >children who love these characters! You can't unmask them! It's-" Tom : ...Monty Python's Flying Circus? > Po walked in. > Mulder lunged at her, sending her flying against the wall. > Po said a word that you're not supposed to say on a G-rated show. Crow: Antidisestablishmentarianism? > Scully pulled off her head. It came with a soft, hollow 'pop!' > (The narrator clarified here that Scully pulled off //Po's// head, >not her own head). Crow: [Sarcasticly] Oh, yeah, I see how you could get confused about that. > "I'll pull //your// head off in a minute, sweetie," Scully >muttered. She turned to look at the woman whose head was sticking out of >Po's body. She gasped with realisation. Mike: Janet Reno? > She and Mulder said the same, horrified word: > "Toyah!" > [Silence] Tom : Huh? Mike: I think that's Australian for "skoal." > Toyah Wilcox, that eighties pop sensation, nodded sheepishly. Crow: Okay, we're still in the dark here. Who? >"Yup," she said, "it's true." > "Toyah Wilcox?" Mulder demanded. "Big orange hair, crap clothes?" Tom : Come on! A song title! An album! Anything! Mike: According to the 'net, she's appearing in "Jack and the Beanstalk." Crow: Oh, that's really helpful Mike. Tom : Is that a TV show, a movie, or something performed by Boulder's Dinner Theater? Mike: I don't know. > "G-rated show!" the narrator reminded. Scully gave her the finger. > Toyah gave an embarrassed look. "Everyone had big hair and crap >clothes in the eighties, Mulder. I saw Christmas Carol. Your Greek >goddess here looked like a geek. And as for you in Unusual Suspects-" > "Knock it off," Scully snapped. Mike: Careful guys, it looks like that fourth wall's taking serious structural damage here. It could go at any time. > "What's going on?" > Toyah sighed. "These are part of my entourage. Laa-Laa is my >sister, Sally. Dipsy is her husband, Roy. Tinky Winky is my manager, >Donnie. When the eighties were over, we were doing okay. Crow: [Toyah] We'd invested in flannel, so we made out really well when the grunge movement hit. > We had some cash >stashed, and we still did gigs at bars and clubs. It was fun. Our career >was going down, but we did cover versions at our gigs and we were still >popular. And we had a better reputation than Samantha Fox, of course." > "Goes without saying," Scully snorted. > "Then why did you have to say it?" Mulder asked, wounded. He liked >Samantha Fox. > Tea gave him a dirty look. > Samantha Fox gave Tea and Toyah a dirty look. Mike: All we need now is for the women from Total Coleco to show up, and we'd have obscure girl band-o-rama going on right now. > The narrator chucked both of them out. She wasn't going to pay >them Equity rates for a day on set as an extra! All : Waa, waa, waaaaa...... > Tea contacted her manager to discuss setting up a new comedy show, >Tea and Toyah. Who cared if Miss Big Hair Crap Clothes had talent? The >name would sell it, no problem. Crow: She's right. It's already on UPN's fall schedule, just after "Malcom and Eddie." > Toyah continued. "Things were going swell. But then Miss >Omnipotent Writer here came along." A tear fell down her cheek. Mike: Cue the sad music... Crow: Did Toyah write sad music? Come on! Throw us a bone here! > "She said >- she said people like us were the scourge of the late twentieth century. Tom : They're lawyers? >She said we were the people responsible for six earrings in one lobe, and >shoulder pads, and racoon makeup, and blue hair, and frilled men's dress >shirts. Mike: So, Toyah's responsible for pirates then? Crow: But I don't wanna be a pirate! > I tried to explain about the seventies, and how we weren't raised >to know any better, but she just - she wouldn't listen-" she broke down, >weeping. > The narrator stood up. "Oh, yeah, make me out to be the bad guy >because I made you atone by providing a wholesome influence to a new >generation. Crow: In one story, they're wholesome. In others, they're porn stars. Pick a description and stick with it! > Right. I come along and you four are still polluting the >world with your eighties crap in 1996! You people are //evil//, do you >hear? Your civilisation could be so much more-" Tom : I mean, look at this! The Carthaginians have automobiles now! And you only control 8 of the wonders! You're never going to get into the Hall of Fame at this rate! > Mulder interrupted. "What did you say?" he asked cautiously. His >hand was on his gun. > The narrator fled. > Scully turned to Toyah and her friends, each of whom had taken off >their heads. "Did you build this house, or this - thing?" She pointed to a >robot at their feet who was a cross between a dog and a vacuum cleaner. Mike: Robo-Snuffleupagus arrived to lay down the law. > Sally shook her head. "No, they were here when she brought us here." > Mulder ran outside. There were lights overhead. He came back in. Mike: So... why'd he run outside then? Crow: Smoke break. > "Run!" he shouted. "Get out, NOW!" > Scully, showing incredible lack of sense, asked, "Mulder, >what- why-" Tom : [Scully] Who- when- where- how-!? > "It's an alien craft, and the mother ship is here to take it home! >Get out, all of you!" > Toyah and Co. fled, and Scully did the same - mostly to get away >from Robo-dog. Crow: It'd be a tad crass to make a ref here about robo-dog and Scully's leg, right? Mike: Yep. Crow: Just checking. > And then the whole place exploded. > Tom : Chris Carter hastily decided that the next season actually took place a year earlier. > "Don't you see?" Mulder asked impatiently. "Miss Omnipotent Writer >was really an alien being, sent to research the extent and limits of human >potential on earth. When we caught her out, she blew up the evidence and >left on the mothership." Mike: Wow. Tom : That's getting a bit out there. Crow: [Mumbling] It's not as crazy as virus carrying bees, black goo, Antarctic research stations, and FEMA. > Scully sighed. "Mulder, don't you think it's more likely that she >drove away after setting the explosion and that the lights overhead were >M15 helicopters, alerted by Customs to our presence, wondering what we're >doing in their jurisdiction?" Tom : So, Teletubbyland is actually *in* England? Mike: Yup. Didn't you see the episode of Doctor Who that was filmed there? Tom : Oh, right. > "There's still one thing I don't understand," Mulder said, ignoring >her. Logic was all very well, but you can have too much of a good thing. >Scully could be such a drag sometimes. Crow: Like, what-ever! Mike: F'sure! > "'One' thing?" Scully echoed. She waited for a nasty retort, then >remembered the narrator was gone. > "Where //were// all your favourite things?" Tom : [Donnie] Some girl named Maria had 'em. > Donnie spoke. "We burnt them." He shrugged. "Red was never my >colour." > Sally added, "And I was going to get a hernia bouncing that damn ball." > Roy rejoined, "And that hat was more Sally's style than mine." Mike: Although if he had just added a kicky scarf to that ensemble.... >They looked at Toyah expectantly. > "Actually, I kinda liked that scooter. But they made me burn it." > Scully frowned. "But why?" Crow: To prove that it was a witch. Duh. > "So we could call you in, of course." > "What will you do?" she asked. Mike: [Toyah] The BBC wants to keep the show on the air. They said something about "Revenge for the Revolutionary War." Tom : Moms of America! Put tinfoil in your kids' hats! NOW! > Toyah shrugged. "Actually, I'm starting to like this stuff. I'm >going to keep on being a Teletubby - but this time, for the right reasons." Crow: [Toyah] I'm going to use this to kickstart my failing music career! > Donnie threw his arms around her. "Big hug!" he cried. > Teletubbies love each other very much. Tom : Especially after happy hour at the Teletubby Bar and Grill. > Mulder and Scully said, "Pah!" > All : Pah! > Mulder threw a friendly arm around Scully's shoulder. "You know, >Scully, maybe there is benevolent life on other planets." > "What do you mean?" she asked. > He grinned. "Any lifeform that turns an eighties pop star into a >children's icon can't be all bad." Mike: Obviously, Mulder never saw the "Right Said Fred Hour." > Scully laughed and put her arms around him. "Big hug!" > Mulder crinkled his nose. "Pah!" > Special Agents love each other very much. Crow: Especially in 'shipper fics. > And that's the end of the story. > Tom : o/~It's the ending... the ending... the ending... the ending! o/~ >END > > Tom: Doo doot, do doo doo doo... > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > I did not write this. This story was originally posted to the X-Files > Fan Fiction mailing list. It was automatically posted to atxc Crow: I didn't know Incan gods liked the X-files. > by > request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail > address in the message body. For more information about the mailing > list, visit http://www.chaos.taylored.com/chaos/mailing-lists.html > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > Tom : Well, that's it. Let's go. Crow: I wonder what Pearl has in store for us next. A Teletubbies/ Dawson's Creek story? Mike: Probably a Teletubbies/The Magnificent Ambersons crossover. Tom : Whatever. We still need to deal with the real thing... [The trio exits.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [Mike, Tom, and Crow stand behind the command console. The Tubbies are running into each other, and bouncing off their tummies.] Tom : You know, I thought that I'd grow tired of watching these four run into each other, but it's actually really relaxing. Mike: It's like a Technicolor version of those balls on a string that sit on executives' desks... Crow: Are you two feeling okay? Mike: [Monotone] Yes. Everything is fine. Tom : [Monotone] Why do you ask? Crow: Okay, you both seem to be under the sway of the Tubbies and are no longer able to think for yourselves. [Pause] I wonder what's on TV? [The Castle light begins to flash.] Well, I guess that I better see what Pearl wants... [Crow taps the light with his beak.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, hi Art. Did Mike fall under the Tubbies' evil sway? [SoL] Crow: Yep. Tom too. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Bummer. You see, those pesky children's show people are getting rather pesky. Some of them keep getting in the castle... [Observer rushes in.] Observer: Pearl, the entire cast of "You Can't Do That on Television!" is in the foyer! Pearl: Didn't that show go off the air years ago? Observer: Well, apparently they're back... [A female voice off screen begins to sing.] Voice: [O.S.] o/~ Thank you India, thank you Providence, thank you, thank you, dis-ill-usion-ment! o/~ Observer: ...and they've brought Alanis with them. Pearl: Well, just send them to the cornfield, okay? Observer: The cornfield is full! I already had to send the cast of the "Mickey Mouse Club" there! Pearl: Er...? Observer: Yes, yes. I know. They haven't been on the air for years either! Pearl: Well... just send them to Springer. Hell, he can base an entire week around Alanis. Observer: Understood. [He rushes offstage.] Pearl: Well, I guess that's about it. If the "You Can't Do That on Television!" people can get in here, then pretty much anyone can. Barney, Captain Kangaroo, that weird clown woman, Newt Gingrich... [A young man, wearing a shirt with stripes of light and dark green, and a blue computer animated dog rush into the room.] Steve: Hey, it looks like Blue's found another clue! [puzzled] But where is it? [The voice of a young boy and girl pipe up.] Kids: [O.S.] It's on the chair! Pearl: Bobo!!! [Bobo enters and grabs Steve.] Bobo: I got it Lawgiver. [Bobo drags him offscreen. The dog follows close behind.] Pearl: As I was saying... it looks like it's curtains for us here, Art. [SoL] [Mike and Tom are chanting "Tubby, Tubby!" in a dazed voice.] Crow: It looks pretty bad here too. Why, I'd guess that we're doomed unless.... [Suddenly, a blinding white light fills the Satellite. Moments later, Castle Forrester is flooded with the same light. When the light clears, the Tubbies, the kids shows hosts, all of them are gone. The scene returns to the SoL, where Mike and Tom seem to have awakened from their dazed state.] Crow: ...there we go. Mike: Wha'? Tom: What happened? [Gypsy sprints into view.] Gypsy: Mike! Mike! Something's coming in on the hexfield! Tom : Maybe it's our mysterious savior! Mike: Well, let's see who it is... [The hexfield opens, revealing a brown haired woman.] All : Gasp! TOYAH WILCOX! Mike: You saved us? [Hexfield] Toyah: Yes Mike. You see, I couldn't stand by and let them control you like that... [SoL] Crow: [Interrupting] That's great. We really appreciate you saving us like that but, who the hell are you? Tom : Please, just one song title. An album, anything! [Hexfield] Toyah: Sigh. Oh all right, you see, I was... [She turns and looks offscreen in horror.] Toyah: Oh no! Not them! Not now! AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!! [She throws up her hands, as if to ward off something. As the hexfield closes, we hear Toyah's scream continue. The quartet stare at the Hexfield for a moment, then turn back towards the audience.] Mike: Okay. I give up. Back to you, Pearl. Crow: Yeesh. Tom : Yeah, that's the best ending they can come up with? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: I hope that the Chubb people don't cancel their check after they find out that their cash cow vanished on me... [Bobo enters with a boyish looking man dressed in a gray suit and red bow tie.] Bobo: Lawgiver, this guy was in our TV room. What should I do with him? Pee-Wee: Hi Lawgiver! Heh-heh-heh! [Pearl looks at him for a minute, then shrugs.] Pearl: Ah. He might be useful. Let's keep him around. Push the button, Pee-Wee. Pee-Wee: Okay Lawgiver! [Pee-Wee pushes the button and the screen dilates with a loud \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Pee-Wee: [V.O.] You know, since Murphy Brown went off the air, I'm available for a reoccurring role... Pearl: [V.O.] We'll keep in touch, Paul. "Trials and Tubby-lations" was written by Doug Atkinson < douga@earlham.edu > Andrew Perron < aamandk@snip.net > Matthew Blackwell (Editor) < mblackwl@ix.netcom.com > Original Stories written by: Sasscat Bu-to-y "Time for Tubby Bye-Bye." < fitchett@netaccess.co.nz > Deslea R. Judd "A Teletubby X-File." < drjudd@tig.com.au > < drjudd@catholic.org > Mary Wiecek "The Teletubbies Incident." < worf_deerpark@email.msn.com > Merlynn "Fun with Teletubbies" < bburt@cdc.net > "Star Trek: Voyager" and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1998 Desilu/Paramount/Viacom. All rights are reserved. "The X-Files" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 of Fox Television, Chris Carter, and 1013 Productions. "Teletubbies" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright [c] of Ragdoll Productions (UK) and the BBC. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., Twentieth Century Fox, the BBC, Ragdoll Productions (UK) or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional except for those who aren't , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. When in Teletubbyland, guests of "Teletubbies!" stay in the beautiful Teletubby Hilton. It happens at the Hilton, tubby, tubby, tubby. Keep circulating the posts. 11/27/1998 Twang. >She gave him an icy glare and loaded the rifle emphatically. "Time >for tubby bye-bye, Lieutenant."