*SEASON 10 CREDITS, TITLE SEQUENCE* *6...5...4...3...2...1...()=()* [HOST SEGMENT DELETED] *--COMMERCIAL--* YaddayaddaSciFiCrap! Doesn't this network suck? I mean, they'll more than happily axe the only show on the damn network worth watching yet subject us to more piss-poor episodes of Sliders and that show First Wave from that has-been Hollywood hack Frances Ford Coppola who hasn't done anything even REMOTELY worth watching since Godfather 3. Wussup wit dat? *--BACK FROM COMMERCIAL --* *CROW, MIKE AND TOM ARE AT THEIR USUAL PLACES. EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL.* CROW: Okay. What in the HELL happened and why do I feel like making a swan out of tissue paper? MIKE: Crow, You were turning Japanese. CROW: Turning Japanese, ya really think so? TOM: Could've been worse. MIKE: Yeah, you could've gotten Pac-Man Fever. TOM: Or you could've been Hungry Like the Wolf. MIKE: Or possibly even gotten on Mexican Radio. CROM: Don't EVER put that thought into my head, Micheal J. Nelson! *MAD LIGHT FLASHES * TOM: Hey, Bananarama's calling! MIKE: It's just as well...*HITS LIGHT* Hello? How're you doing, Pearl? *CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL IS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, AS USUAL, AND OBSERVER IS IN THE BACK LOOKING VERY STUPID. HE ISN'T HOLDING HIS BRAIN AS THE RESULT. BOBO'S NOWHERE TO BE SEEN* PEARL: Good morning, Mr. Phelps. It's nice to know that you're still alive in some semi- significant manner. *SOL* MIKE: *Flattered* Well, thanks...I think. TOM: Hey, what's wrong with Jackie Rogers Jr. back there? *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Oh, him? Brain Guy seems to have "misplaced" his blue-colored grey matter and as it happened once before , he's been rendered stupid without it. *SHE LOOKS AT OBSERVER, STANDING IN STPUIDITY IN THE BACKGROUND* Strange...Without his brain he's even dumber than Bobo... and that is darn dumb. *SHE TURNS BACK TOWARDS THE CAMERA* Which is exactly why I've sent him searching around the castle to find it. OBSERVER: *BRAINLESSLY* I want to watch Caroline in the City. PEARL: See what I mean? *SOL* CROW: Sending a low-IQ to find a high-IQ for a body that has no IQ. That's novel. MIKE: Well, I hope he'll be all right. *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Unfortunately for you he will be the least of your worries. For today's experiment I thought I might offer a change of strategy and try burdening you with high quantity instead of low quality. You will be experiencing the infernal wrath of James Cameron's "Titanic", with Leonardo DiCaprio...sans posse...Resident of Indie Movie Hell, Kate Winslet, and the guy from Quest of the Delta Knights who for some strange reason is only in the film to follow our main characters around like a complete pervert. *SOL* MIKE: Wow, Titanic? TOM: You mean an actual movie? Why are you being so nice to us, Pearl? CROW: Yeah Pearl, Titanic won like...a jillion Oscars! TOM: Hold a sec...This is gonna hurt, isn't it Pearl! *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: *SMIRKS* Elementary, my dear Servo. Don't you know that Titanic is three whole hours based around a love story on a sinking ship? Just because it won a few awards doesn't make it good. Hell, the Academy gave the Italian Imbecile Roberto Benigni one, didn't they? Oh yeah baby…this one's gonna hurtcha BAD. *SOL* MIKE: Umm...gulp? TOM: The ship sinks? You've ruined the whole movie for us! CROW: Yeah, THANKS, Pearl! *CASTLE FORRESTER* *PEARL TAKES A SARCASTIC EXPRESSION, THEN CONTINUES * PEARL: Hey what do you expect, I'm EVIL! Well, anyways, since Frosted Flake back there is...out of it for the moment, I lugged my VCR down here and connected it to my computer. I'll be streaming the script to you via cable modem though AOL. *PAUSE* Wow I really AM evil. Send them the script, Pearl. *PAUSE* Why Pearl. I'd love to. *PEARL WALKS TO A COMPUTER AND CLICKS THE MOUSE A FEW TIMES AND TURNS TO THE CAMERA, HANDS CLASPED A-LA DR. NO* PEARL: *SMILING* In the words of my late son...I bid you pain. *SINGING* Oh let's go out to the Theater, let's go out to the Theater, let's go out to the Thea-ter and take o-ver the world. OBSERVER: Where's my Ray Stevens CD? *STARTS SUCKING HIS GLOVED THUMB* *SOL* *MOVIE SIGN* TOM: D'OH! Now we got movie sign! MIKE: Guys, I think I know how we can survive the script! Tell ya on the way to the theater…. *THEY DASH INTO THE THEATER* *()==()1...2...3...4...5...6...* *THEY ARRIVE IN THE THEATER AND TAKE THEIR PLACES. MIKE SEEMS TO BE HOLDING A CLIPBOARD* MIKE: Okay, we got everything? Let's go down the list. Dr. Pepper Lip Gloss… TOM: Check. MIKE: Back issues of Teen People featuring Leonardo DiCaprio… CROW: Check. Oh he's SO dreamy! MIKE: Videotaped episodes of Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer… TOM: Got 'em! MIKE: Backstreet Boys CDs… CROW: Check. MIKE: Okay, do we have the glitter nail polish? TOM: Affirmative. MIKE: Cinnaburst gum? CROW: They're in your pocket. MIKE: Oh yeah. *He takes a piece* Thanks for the reminder. Now, how about the memorization of every line from Screams 1 and 2, The Faculty, Good Will Hunting and BOTH I Know What You Did Last Summers? TOM: In my positronic matrix, Mike. MIKE: An unerring desire to go to the mall… CROW: Like, fer sure! MIKE: Great, Crow. Got the slang down, too. Okay that looks like everything. I think we're now officially trained teenage girls and I believe we're ready to read Titanic. TOM: Yeah, script…take your best shot! CROW: Bring it on! MIKE: Yeah! ..Titanic CROW: An Adventure Out of Mind. MIKE: Titanic: The REAL James Cameron Conspiracy. a screenplay by James Cameron TOM: From the man who brought you Aliens, Terminator, The Abyss and PIRAHNA 2! Cast: CROW: The list of people who, because of this film's profits will NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES! KATE WINSLET... Rose DeWitt Bukater LEONARDO DICAPRIO... Jack Dawson CROW: This cast reads like a list of future has-beens! KATHY BATES... The Unsinkable Molly Brown TOM: Because Lard-Butt would have been too cruel a nickname. BILLY ZANE... Caledon Hockley CROW: Check it out, it's The Phantom! BILL PAXTON... Brock Lovett TOM: And Lex Manly as "Steel Ironbutt". CROW: Featuring Dirk McHardpecks as "Hunk O'Metal" Written and Directed by: TOM: *The Church Lady* Now who could have written and directed Titanic. Oh I don't know. It's on the tip of my tongue. This is so embarrassing so I'll just take a guess. Could it be…..SATAN??? JAMES CAMERON TOM: I was close. MIKE: Tom, he's The Former Mr. Linda Hamilton. TOM: and your point is…. 1 BLACKNESS TOM: We now join Titanic, already in progress. Then two faint lights appear, close together... growing brighter. CROW: *a disembodied voice* You know what you have to do, Clarence. Now go down there and take George Bailey's ass out! They resolve into two DEEP SUBMERSIBLES, free-falling toward us like express elevators. TOM: It's the express elevator to Hell! MIKE: Very Cameronian, Tom. One is ahead of the other, and passes close enough to FILL FRAME, looking like a spacecraft blazing with lights, bristling with insectile manipulators. MIKE: The most James Cameron scene in the script, ladies and gentlemen. TILTING DOWN to follow it as it descends away into the limitless blackness below. Soon they are fireflies, then stars. Then gone. TOM: Hmm…Well, bye then. CUT TO: CROW: The End Credits! 2 EXT./ INT. MIR ONE / NORTH ATLANTIC DEEP PUSHING IN on one of the falling submersibles, called MIR ONE, right up to its circular viewport to see the occupants. TOM: It can't sustain that much pressure, it's just a Mir submersible. Get it guys? MIR? MIKE: Yes, Tom, I'm afraid we do. INSIDE, it is a cramped seven foot sphere, crammed with equipment. ANATOLY MIKAILAVICH, the sub's pilot, sits hunched over his controls... singing softly in Russian. CROW: *singing softly in Russian* Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you… MIKE: Crow, please! Next to him on one side is BROCK LOVETT. He's in his late forties, deeply tanned, and likes to wear his Nomex suit unzipped to show the gold from famous shipwrecks covering his gray chest hair. TOM: I bet he does, hehehe MIKE: Brock Lovett: Porn Scientist. He is a wiley, fast-talking treasure hunter, a salvage superstar who is part historian, part adventurer and part vacuum cleaner salesman. CROW: Is anyone else turned off by Brock's weird breeding like I am? Right now, he is propped against the CO2 scrubber, fast asleep and snoring. TOM: *Lovett* Oh baby...that's it...more...yeah ,MMM that's the spot… On the other side, crammed into the remaining space is a bearded wide-body named LEWIS BODINE, sho is also asleep. Lewis is an R.O.V. (REMOTELY OPERATED VEHICLE) pilot and is the resident Titanic expert. CROW: So what's happening so far? MIKE: Well, these guys are going down deep into the ocean and it's bored Bodine and Lovett to sleep. TOM: Fun. Just the way I like to open my Cameron movie...sleeping. COME ON, SCRIPT, BLOW SOMETHING UP! YOU'RE A CAMERON MOVIE FOR CHRISSAKES!! Anatoly glances at the bottom sonar and makes a ballast adjustment. ALL: *various crewmen* AAAAWWW, Anatoly couldn't you have gone while we were topside? God that's ripe! CUT TO: 3 EXT. THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA MIKE: There might be a good chance that Richard Basehart is gonna show up. Quick, somebody go get Gypsy! A pale, dead-flat lunar landscape. TOM: A little odd being this is underwater and stuff. It gets brighter, lit from above, as MIR ONE enters FRAME and drops to the seafloor in a downblast from its thrusters. It hits bottom after its two hour free-fall with a loud BONK. MIKE: BONK?? CROW: Well, if Cameron were to hit us with a misplaced cartoon sound effect, I guess now would be the best time….I guess… CUT TO: 4 INT. MIR ONE Lovett and Bodine jerk awake at the landing. MIKE: Jerks jerking awake, isn't that ironic? Don't you think? ANATOLY (heavy Russian accent) We are here. CROW: *ANATOLY* Let's Mamuska! EXT. / INT. MIR ONE AND TWO 5 MINUTES LATER: THE TWO SUBS skim over the seafloor to the sound of sidescan sonar and the THRUM of big thrusters. TOM: I think they're going to ram us. 6 The featureless gray clay of the bottom unrols in the lights of the subs. Bodine is watching the sidescan sonar display, where the outline of a huge pointed object is visible. Anatoly lies prone, driving the sub, his face pressed to the center port. MIKE: Actually he's vomiting out the port hatch. BODINE Come left a little. She's right in front of us, eighteen meters. Fifteen. Thirteen... TOM: *BODINE* Hell, she looked 18 to me. you should see it. ANATOLY Do you see it? I don't see it... there! CROW: *ANATOLY* Umm…nevermind, I'm blind. Out of the darkness, TOM: *Freddie Mercury* The bullets RIP! like a ghostly apparition, the bow of the ship appears. Its knife-edge prow is coming straight at us, seeming to plow the bottom sediment like ocean waves. It towers above the seafloor, standing just as it landed 84 years ago. MIKE: And STILL refuses to pay any rent. THE TITANIC. Or what is left of her. Mir One goes up and over the bow railing, intact except for an overgrowth of "rusticles" draping it like mutated Spanish moss. TOM: Rusticles? CROW: Well, Tom they're basically an old man's….*MIKE quickly clamps CROW"S beak shut* 5 MINUTES LATER: THE TWO SUBS skim over the seafloor to the sound of sidescan sonar and the THRUM of big thrusters. TIGHT ON THE EYEPIECE MONITOR of a video camcorder. Brock Lovett's face fills the BLACK AND WHITE FRAME. LOVETT It still gets me every time. TOM: *LOVETT* The sight of a Hooters. The image pans to the front viewport, looking over Anatoly's shoulder, to the bow railing visible in the lights beyond. Anatoly turns. CROW: *ANATOLY* Are you Dale? ANATOLY Is just your guilt because of estealing from the dead. TOM: He's turning Italian! CUT WIDER, to show that Brock is operating the camera himself, turning it in his hand so it points at his own face. MIKE: *Q* Now see here, 007, this may look like an ordinary camcorder, but when you press record a 15 foot stream of molten flame…AAAAAAHHH! LOVETT Thanks, Tolya. Work with me, here. Brock resumes his serious, pensive gaze out the front port, with the camera aimed at himself at arm's length. TOM: *Brock* I love me! I love me so much that I want to film me, naked! LOVETT It still gets me every time... to see the sad ruin of the great ship sitting here, where she landed at 2:30 in the morning, April 15, 1912, after her long fall from the world above. MIKE: *LOVETT* Kindof a bummer, really. Anatoly rolls his eyes and mutters in Russian. Bodine chuckles and watches the sonar. BODINE You are so full of shit, boss. TOM: *LOVETT* I know. Damn constipation. 7 Mir Two drives aft down the starboard side, past the huge anchor while Mir One passes over the seemingly endless forecastle deck, with its massive anchor chains still laid out in two neat rows, its bronze windlass caps gleaming. The 22 foot long subs are like white bugs next to the enormous wreck. CROW: How Discovery Channel of them. LOVETT (V.O.) Dive nine. Here we are again on the deck of Titanic... two and a half miles down. The pressure is three tons per square inch, enough to crush us like a freight train going over an ant if our hull fails. These windows are nine inches thick and if they go, it's sayonara in two microseconds. MIKE: *gets up, acts like he's knocking on the glass porthole* Come on, just one crack for daddy… 8 Mir Two lands on the boat deck, next to the ruins of the Officer's Quarters. Mir One lands on the roof of the deck house nearby. ALL: *singing* She's a deck…house. LOVETT Right. Let's go to work. Bodine slips on a pair of 3-D electronic goggles, and grabs the joystick controls of the ROV. MIKE: *LOVETT* Will somebody please tell Bodine that this is no time for Starcraft? 9 OUTSIDE THE SUB, the ROV, a small orange and black robot called SNOOP DOG, lifts from its cradle and flies forward. CROW: *robotic* Bow wow wow yippee-yo yippee-yay… BODINE (V.O.) Walkin' the dog. TOM: *BODINE* Cuz it's named SNOOP DOG, ya see? Made that up myself. SNOOP DOG drives itself away from the sub, paying out its umbilical behind it like a robot yo-yo. Its twin stereo-video cameras swivel like insect eyes. The ROV descends through an open shaft that once was the beautiful First Class Grand Staircase. CROW: Who's the black private Dick that's the sex machine to all the chicks? TOM and MIKE: Shaft! CROW: That Shaft is a bad mutha…. TOM and MIKE: Shut yo' mouth! CROW: Just talkin' bout Open Shaft. Snoop Dog goes down several decks, then moves laterally into the First Class Reception Room. ALL: *singing* Rollin' down the shipwreck, smokin' Indo…sippin' on Gin and Juice… SNOOP'S VIDEO POV, moving through the cavernous interior. The remains of the ornate handcarved woodwork which gave the ship its elegance move through the floodlights, the lines blurred by slow dissolution and descending rusticle formations. Stalactites of rust hang down so that at times it looks like a natural grotto, then the scene shifts and the lines of a ghostly undersea mansion can be seen again. ALL: *humming the Disney's "Haunted Mansion" theme* MONTAGE STYLE, as Snoop passes the ghostly images of Titanic's opulence: 10 A grand piano in amazingly good shape, crashed on its side against a wall. The keys gleam black and white in the lights. CROW: *Liberace if he were underwater* I'd like to play you a little ditty now… 11 A chandelier, still hanging from the ceiling by its wire... glinting as Snoop moves around it. 12 Its lights play across the floor, revealing a champagne bottle, then some WHITE STAR LINE china... a woman's high-top "granny shoe". Then something eerie: what looks like a child's skull resolves into the porcelain head of a doll. MIKE: *Evil* HAHAHAHAHA! Those that awaken me will meet their doom!!! Snoop enters a corridor which is much better preserved. Here and there a door still hangs on its rusted hinges. An ornate piece of molding, a wall sconce... hint at the grandeur of the past. TOM: Presenting the grandeur of the past. Now Huzzah it's gone! 13 THE ROV turns and goes through a black doorway, entering room B-52, the sitting room of a "promenade suite", one of the most luxurious staterooms on Titanic. MIKE: I got a shipwreck that's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail! BODINE I'm in the sitting room. Heading for bedroom B-54. CROW: Miss. LOVETT Stay off the floor. Don't stir it up like you did yesterday. BODINE I'm tryin' boss. Glinting in the lights are the brass fixtures of the near-perfectly preserved fireplace. An albino Galathea crab crawls over it. Nearby are the remains of a divan and a writing desk. MIKE: Hey, Tom. How is a divan like a writing desk? TOM: I don't know, Mike. How is a divan like a writing desk? MIKE: Umm…I was hoping you'd tell me. CROW: I bet they were "divan" when the ship went down, HA! The Dog crosses the ruins of the once elegant room toward another DOOR. It squeezes through the doorframe, scraping rust and wood chunks loose on both sides. It moves out of a cloud of rust and keeps on going. BODINE I'm crossing the bedroom. The remains of a pillared canopy bed. Broken chairs, a dresser. Through the collapsed wall of the bathroom, the porcelain commode and bathtub took almost new, gleaming in the dark. LOVETT Okay, I want to see what's under that wardrobe door. TOM: Hold it, I know what's gonna happen next. There will be a year's supply of goat cheese, Monty Hall's gonna come out and it'll just become one big mess. SEVERAL ANGLES as the ROV deploys its MANIPULATOR ARMS and starts moving debris aside. A lamp is lifted, its ceramic colors as bright as they were in 1912. LOVETT Easy, Lewis. Take it slow. MIKE: That's where we want to go, way down in Kokomo. Lewis grips a wardrobe door, lying at an angle in a corner, and pulls it with Snoop's gripper. It moves reluctantly in a cloud of silt. Under it is a dark object. The silt clears and Snoop's cameras show them what was under the door... CROW: A new car! BODINE Ooohh daddy-oh, are you seein' what I'm seein'? MIKE: *LOVETT* If you're takin' the same acid I am, then yeah. CLOSE ON LOVETT, watching his monitors. By his expression it is like he is seeing the Holy Grail. TOM: That's just the Grail-shaped beacon. Naughty Zoot! LOVETT Oh baby baby baby. CROW: He's evolving into Barry White for some odd reason. (grabs the mike) It's payday, boys. MIKE: Oops, my bad it's just Connect Four. ON THE SCREEN, in the glare of the lights, is the object of their quest: a small STEEL COMBINATION SAFE. CUT TO: 14 EXT. STERN OF DECK OF KEDYSH - DAY THE SAFE, dripping wet in the afternoon sun, is lowered onto the deck of a ship by a winch cable. We are on the Russian research vessel AKADEMIK MISTISLAV KELDYSH. MIKE: Methinks yon Cameron has had a caffeine surge. A crowd has gathered, including most of the crew of KELDYSH, the sub crews, and a hand- wringing money guy named BOBBY BUELL who represents the limited partners. There is also a documentary video crew, hired by Lovett to cover his moment of glory. Everyone crowds around the safe. In the background Mir Two is being lowered into its cradle on deck by a massive hydraulic arm. Mir One is already recovered with Lewis Bodine following Brock Lovett as he bounds over to the safe like a kid on Christman morning. BODINE Who's the best? Say it. ALL: Shaft! TOM: Can ya dig it? LOVETT You are, Lewis. (to the video crew) You rolling? CAMERAMAN Rolling. MIKE: Rolling. Keep them doggies rolling. Rawhide. Brock nods to his technicians, and they set about drilling the safe's hinges. During this operation, Brock amps the suspense, working the lens to fill the time. TOM: I.E. Pad the script. LOVETT Well, here it is, the moment of truth. Here's where we find out if the time, the sweat, the money spent to charter this ship and these subs, to come out here to the middle of the North Atlantic... were worth it. If what we think is in that same... is in that safe... it will be. MIKE: So they spent well over a million dollars in technological supplies just to get to a safe? CROW: Greedy little bastards, aren't they? Lovett grins wolfishly in anticipation of his greatest find yet. The door is pried loose. It clangs onto the deck. Lovett moves closer, peering into the safe's wet interior. A long moment then... his face says it all. TOM: *LOVETT* I coulda had a V8. LOVETT Shit. BODINE You know, boss, this happened to Geraldo and his career never recovered. LOVETT (to the video cameraman) Get that outta my face. CROW: *BODINE* You know, boss, this happened to Sean Penn and his career… MIKE: *LOVETT* Shut up, Bodine! CUT TO: 15 INT. LAB DECK, PRESERVATION ROOM - DAY TOM: At 3M, our priority is quality. We work diligently to provide a better tomorrow. Technicians are carefully removing some papers from the safe and placing them in a tray of water to separate them safely. Nearby, other artifacts from the stateroom are being washed and preserved. TOM: At 3M, workers work with artifacts, WASHING them, and PRESERVING them. Like a human machine operating 24 hours a day. 3M, quality FOR YOU! Buell is on the satellite phone with the INVESTORS. Lovett is yelling at the video crew. CROW: *BUELL* I don't care if she doesn't like it or not, get me naked pictures of Estelle Getty NOW! LOVETT You send out what I tell you when I tell you. I'm signing your paychecks, not 60 minutes. Now get set up for the uplink. TOM: Yeah, whatever ya big jerk. CROW: *LOVETT* What did you say?? TOM: I said I have to get up and go to work. CROW: Oh, okay then. Buell covers the phone and turns to Lovett. MIKE: *BUELL* Hey Brock, do we have Prince Albert in the Can? BUELL The partners want to know how it's going? LOVETT How it's going? It's going like a first date in prison, whattaya think?! CROW: *BUELL* That good, huh? Lovett grabs the phone from Buell and goes instantly smooth. TOM: *BROCK, sultry* Heyyy darlin'. I'm stretched out all nekkid-like on the couch, waitin' for you to come get yourself some of this sweet sexy lovin'… LOVETT Hi, Dave? Barry? CROW: Dave Barry? He's great! Look, it wasn't in the safe... no, look, don't worry about it, there're still plenty of places it could be... in the floor debris in the suite, in the mother's room, in the purser's safe on C deck... MIKE:…in the Conservatory with the wrench… (seeing something) Hang on a second. A tech coaxes some letters in the water tray to one side with a tong... revealing a pencil (conte crayon) drawing of a woman. CROW: *LOVETT*…the Hell? Phyllis Diller. I knew it! Brock looks closely at the drawing, which is in excellent shape, though its edges have partially disintegrated. The woman is beautiful, and beautifully rendered. TOM: But being that this is Kate Winslet, neither apply. In her late teens or early twenties, she is nude, though posed with a kind of casual modesty. She is on an Empire divan, in a pool of light that seems to radiate outward from her eyes. Scrawled in the lower right corner is the date: April 14 1912. And the initials JD. MIKE: Coincidentally enough, the same initials of what James Cameron was drinking when he wrote this, it's a conspiracy! The girl is not entirely nude. CROW: So it being of any relevance to Lovett's stereotypical testosterone-injected sexist characterization flies right out the window. At her throat is a diamond necklace with one large stone hanging in the center. MIKE: That's the stone he's been looking for… CROW: and the girl in the picture had it… TOM: You know what that means? ALL: *singing* EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED! Lovett grabs a reference photo from the clutter on the lab table. It is a period black-and-white photo of a diamond necklace on a black velvet jeweller's display stand. He holds it next to the drawing. It is clearly the same piece... a complex setting with a massive central stone which is almost heart-shaped. TOM: And let me guess…it will go on. LOVETT I'll be God damned. MIKE: *GOD* You'll be starring in the Disney remake of "Mighty Joe Young", so count on it! Maybe that'll teach ya to use my name in vain, fancypants. CUT TO: 16 INSERT CROW: Huh?? TOM: This was where they were supposed to choreograph the "Brock Touchdown Dance" scene. A CNN NEWS STORY: a live satellite feed from the deck of the Keldysh, intercut with the CNN studio. CROW: It's 25 past the hour, time for the Hollywood Minute. ANNOUNCER Treasure hunter Brock Lovett is best known for finding Spanish gold in sunken galleons in the Caribbean. Now he is using deep submergence technology to work two and a half miles down at another famous wreck... the Titanic. He is with us live via satellite from a Russian research ship in the middle of the Atlantic... hello Brock? MIKE: *LOVETT* Just a second. Brock? Come he…oh that's right. I'm Brock. Hello America! Go Packers! LOVETT Yes, hi, Tracy. You know, Titanic is not just A shipwrick, CROW: It's also a client. Titanic is THE shipwreck. It's the Mount Everest of shipwrecks. MIKE: Hey, that's a kick in the crotch to both the Andrea Doria AND the Edmund Fitzgerald! CUT TO: 17 INT. HOUSE / CERAMICS STUDIO TOM: With your host, Bob Ross. PULL BACK from the screen, showing the CNN report playing on a TV set in the living room of a small rustic house. It is full of ceramics, figurines, folk art, the walls crammed with drawings and paintings... things collected over a lifetime. CROW: Like presidential underwear, Teflon and Beano! MIKE: And never let go till we're gone, WE GET IT, SCRIPT! PANNING to show a glassed-in studio attached to the house. Outside it is a quiet morning in Ojai, California. In the studio, amid incredible clutter, an ANCIENT WOMAN is throwing a pot on a potter's wheel. The liquid red clay covers her hands... hands that are gnarled and age-spotted, but still surprisingly strong and supple. MIKE: *OLD WOMAN* Now to make my skin so that I may once again cheat the cold hand of death. A woman in her early forties assists her. CROW: *other woman* You gonna eat the rest of that glaze when you're done? LOVETT (V.O.) I've planned this expedition for three years, and we're out here recovering some amazing things... things that will have enormous historical and educational value. TOM: Like tinfoil, gum wrappers and cellophane! CNN REPORTER (V.O.) But it's no secret that education is not your main purpose. You're a treasure hunter. So what is the treasure you're hunting? CROW: Kate Winslet's sweet, supple British…*MIKE clamps his mouth shut* LOVETT (V.O.) I'd rather show you than tell you, and we think we're very close to doing just that. The old woman's name is ROSE CALVERT. Her face is a wrinkled mass, her body shapeless and shrunken under a one-piece African-print dress. MIKE: So in essence she's Strom Thurmond. But her eyes are just as bright and alive as those of a young girl. TOM: Having her maniacal scheme of immortality ended successfully and no one having questioned the disappearances of those young female immigrants. MIKE: Tom, that's the closest to The Atomic Brain I'll EVER let you get. Rose gets up and walks into the living room, wiping pottery clay from her hands with a rag. A Pomeranian dog gets up and comes in with her. TOM: *The Dog* Hold it, what's my line again? Oh yeah, Arf. The younger soman, LIZZY CALVERT, rushes to help her. CROW: Grandma let me help you on this SKATEBOARD! ROSE Turn that up please, dear. TOM: *ROSE* Metallica kicks ass. REPORTER (V.O.) Your expedition is at the center of a storm of controversy over salvage rights and even ethics. Many are calling you a grave robber. MIKE: *LOVETT* Then they're poopie heads. TIGHT ON THE SCREEN. LOVETT Nobody called the recovery of the artifacts from King Tut's tomb grave robbing. TOM: Well, technically it was. I have museum-trained experts here, making sure this stuff is preserved and catalogued properly. Look at this drawing, which was found today... The video camera pans off Brock to the drawing, in a tray of water. The image of the woman with the necklace FILLS FRAME. CROW: Let's get it on! MIKE: Crow, that's Mills Lane. LOVETT ...a piece of paper that's been underwater for 84 years... and my team are able to preserve it intanct. Should this have remained unseen at the bottom of the ocean for eternity, when we can see it and enjoy it now...? TOM: Notice how he's emphasizing the use of his enjoyment of a nude Kate Winslet. CROW: Surprised they were able to fit her on the paper. MIKE: Now Crow, that wasn't nice. ROSE is galvanized by this image. Her mouth hangs open in amazement. ROSE I'll be God damned. MIKE: *GOD* You'll get Oscar nominated for this role and lose to Kim Basinger, so sweetie it don't get much more damned than that. HAHAHAHAHA! CUT TO: 18 EXT. KELDYSH DECK - NIGHT CUT TO KELDYSH. The Mir subs are being launched. Mir Two is already in the water, and Lovett is getting ready to climb into Mir One when Bobby Buell runs up to him. TOM: *BUELL* Sir, the bathroom's on deck three. BUELL There's a satellite call for you. CROW: *BUELL* Some guy named Mike wants you to help him and his adorable robot friends get back to Earth. LOVETT Bobby, we're launching. See these submersibles here, going in the water? Take a message. MIKE: *Lovett* We'll make those submersibles its own children's daytime cartoon. Wouldn't that be cute? BUELL No, trust me, you want to take this call. TOM: *BUELL* He says he knows what you did last summer. CROW: That Twister movie? Damn. CUT TO: 19 INT. LAB DECK / KELDYSH - NIGHT Beull hands Lovett the phone, pushing down the blinking line. MIKE: Bill this is James Cameron, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to act. The call is from Rose and we see both ends of the conversation. She is in her kitchen with a mystified Lizzy. MIKE: Ah, so Rose went to the Carlo Lombardi school of acting. CROW: I have a question. How did a woman older than time immemorial get the cell-phone number of some egotistical maritime grave robber out in the middle of the ocean? MIKE: Cameron would have explained, but that would have required thought. CROW: Ahhhh. LOVETT This is Brock Lovett. What can I do for you, Mrs... ? TOM: D. Meanor. BUELL Rose Calvert. CROW: Geriatric Spy. LOVETT ... Mrs. Calvert? MIKE: *ROSE* Yes I'd like to order a large supreme with pepperoni, mushrooms and sausage. ROSE I was just wondering if you had found the "Heart of the Ocean" yet, Mr. Lovett. TOM :*ROSE* It will go on, you know. Brock almost drops the phone. Bobby sees his shocked expression... MIKE: …and then dislodges the fork he is holding out of the light socket. BUELL I told you you wanted to take this call. CROW: So there. LOVETT (to Rose) Alright. You have my attention, Rose. Can you tell me who the woman in the picture is? TOM: Hmm....If you tilt your head to the right and squint your left eye it kinda resembles Dr. Frank-N-furter in a bonnet. ROSE Oh yes. The woman in the picture is me. CROW: Smee? Who is she, Captain Hook? MIKE: Crow, I think you're long overdue for a checkup on your audio receptors. CUT TO: 20 EXT. OCEAN - DAY SMASH CUT TO AN ENORMOUS SEA STALLION HELICOPTER thundering across the ocean. TOM: Oh yes, finally something James Cameron, they're going to strafe the Keldysh! PAN 180 degrees as it roars past. There is no land at either horizon. The Keldysh is visible in the distance. MIKE: That's it, arm your Vulcan cannons…wait for it… CLOSE ON A WINDOW of the monster helicopter. Rose's face is visible, looking out calmly. CROW: *ROSE* God I'm old. I'm so old I fart dust. CUT TO: 21 EXT. KELDYSH - DAY MIKE: Nothing's happening real quick, isn't it CROW: Everyone's drunk on Lager and the Tyson fight was postponed. Life, for the moment, sucks. Brock and Bodine are watching Mir 2 being swung over the side to start a dive. TOM: *BODINE* You know, boss, sometimes I wish I were a submarine. BODINE She's a goddamned liar! A nutcase. Like that... what's her name? That Anastasia babe. MIKE: Anastasia Jones? BUELL They're inbound. Brock nods and the three of them head forward to meet the approaching helo. ALL: TORA! TORA! TORA! BODINE She says she's Rose DeWitt Bukater, right? Rose DeWitt Bukater died on the Titanic. At the age of 17. If she'd've lived, she'd be over a hundred now. CROW: But she's Immortal so it doesn't apply. LOVETT A hundred and one next month. MIKE: For I am the all-knowing Brock Lovett. BODINE Okay, so she's a very old goddamned liar. I traced her as far back as the 20's... she was working as an actress in L.A. An actress. Her name was Rose Dawson. Then she married a guy named Calvert, moved to Cedar Rapids, had two kids. Now Calvert's dead, and from what I've heard Cedar Rapids is dead. CROW:…Jim. The Sea Stallion approaches the ship, BG, forcing Brock to yell over the rotors. TOM: At gunpoint, no less. LOVETT And everyobody who knows about the diamond is supposed to be dead... or on this ship. But she knows about it. And I want to hear what she has to say. Got it? MIKE: *LOVETT* I've been ogling the naked drawing of a 100 year old woman, yuck! CUT TO: 22 EXT. KELDYSH HELIPAD IN A THUNDERING DOWNBLAST the helicopter's wheels bounce down on the helipad. CROW: Then roll off the carrier into the ocean, The End. Lovett, Buell and Bodine watch as the HELICOPTER CREW CHIEF hands out about ten suitcases, and then Rose is lowered to the deck in a wheelchair by Keldysh crewmen. Lizzy, ducking unnecessarily under the rotor, follows her out, carrying FREDDY the Pomeranian. The crew chief hands a puzzled Keldysh crewmember a goldfish bowl with several fish in it. Rose does not travel light. MIKE: Her supply of Metamusil and Dentu-Cream ALONE takes up 3 trunks. HOLD ON the incongruous image of this little old lady, looking impossibly fragile amongst all the high tech gear, grungy deck crew and gigantic equipment. TOM: *singing* She's old, she's old, she's so, damn old, she creaks, she's old… MIKE: Atomic Brain flashbacks kicking in? TOM: Yep. MIKE: We're with ya, buddy. BODINE S'cuse me, I have to go check our supply of Depends. TOM: *BODINE* I may not be able to spare her any. CUT TO: 23 INT. ROSE'S STATEROOM / KELDYSH - DAY Lizzy is unpacking Rose's things in the small utilitarian room. CROW: Utilitarian? But this is a democracy! Rose is placing a number of FRAMED PHOTOS on the bureau, arranging them carefully next to the fishbowl. Brock and Bodine are in the doorway. MIKE: *LOVETT, whispering sad* I still can't believe I ogled the nude drawing of a 100 year old woman! LOVETT Is your stateroom alright? ROSE Yes. Very nice. Have you met my granddaughter, Lizzy? She takes care of me. TOM: *ROSE* Tick her off and she'll take care of YOU if you get my drift. LIZZY Yes. We met just a few minutes ago, grandma. Remember, up on deck? CROW: *ROSE* The one ogling the naked picture of me, yes. ROSE Oh, yes. Brock glances at Bodine... MIKE: *BROCK* I love you. oh oh. Bodine rolls his eyes. Rose finishes arranging her photographs. We get a general glimpse of them: the usual snapshots... children and grandchildren, her late husband. TOM: As opposed to her on-time husband. ROSE There, that's nice. I have to have my pictures when I travel. And Freddy of course. (to the Pomeranian) Isn't that right, sweetie. CROW: *as a dog* Arf! Whatever you say, lady. Just keep the kibble coming and I won't rip your throat out in your sleep. LOVETT Would you like anything? MIKE: *LOVETT* Coffee? Tea? Blow to the head? ROSE I should like to see my drawing. TOM: Cuz you know my name is Simon. CUT TO: 24 INT. LAB DECK, PRESERVATION AREA Rose looks at the drawing in its tray of water, confronting herself across a span of 84 years. Until they can figure out the best way to preserve it, they have to keep it immersed. It sways and ripples, almost as if alive. CROW: IT'S ALMOST ALIVE!!!! TIGHT ON Rose's ancient eyes, gazing at the drawing. TOM: *singing* She's old, so old, so frea…king old… MIKE: *comforting him* I feel your pain, Tom. 25 FLASHCUT of a man's hand, holding a conte crayon deftly creating a shoulder and the shape of her hair with two efficient lines. TOM: *Bob Ross* Let's just put some happy little trees in there… 26 THE WOMAN'S FACE IN THE DRAWING, dancing under the water. CROW: That's it baby SHAKE THAT MONEYMAKER!! 27 A FLASHCUT of a man's eyes, just visible over the top of a sketching pad. They look up suddenly right into the LENS. Soft eyes, but fearlessly direct. TOM: Now SLEEEEP! 28 Rose smiles, remembering. Brock has the reference photo of the necklace in his hand. MIKE: Uh oh, I sense a backstory coming on. LOVETT Louis the Sixteenth wore a fabulous stone, called the Blue Diamond of the Crown, which disappeared in 1792, about the time Louis lost everything from the neck up. The theory goes that the crown diamond was chopped too... recut into a heart-like shape... and it became Le Coeur de la Mer. The Heart of the Ocean. CROW: I STILL think that translates to "The rear end of a horse" Today it would be worth more than the Hope Diamond. MIKE: Sounds like the name of a porn star. *TOM and CROW look at him* MIKE: Not that I watch porn…*weak chuckle* ROSE It was a dreadful, heavy thing. TOM: *ROSE* Like my breasts. (she points at the drawing) I only wore it this once. CROW: One time is all it takes. LIZZY You actually believe this is you, grandma? ROSE It is me, dear. Wasn't I a hot number? MIKE: Just what we need, a 101 year old lesbian….not that there's anything wrong with that. LOVETT I tracked it down through insurance records... and old claim that was settled under terms of absolute secrecy. Do you know who the claiment was, Rose? ROSE Someone named Hockley, I should imagine. CROW: I agree. MIKE: X gets the square. LOVETT Nathan Hockley, right. Pittsburgh steel tycoon. For a diamond necklace his son Caledon Hockley bought in France for his fiancee... you... a week before he sailed on Titanic. And the claim was filed right after the sinking. So the diamond had to've gone down with the ship. TOM: Or perhaps under it. (to Lizzy) See the date? LIZZY April 14, 1912. MIKE: A date that will live in infamy. LOVETT If your grandma is who she says she is, she was wearing the diamond the day Titanic sank. TOM: Well um.. that's unfortunate. Do we have any beer? MIKE: No. But we still have some of that skunky wassail. TOM: Ugh, No thanks. (MORE) LOVETT (CONT'D) (to Rose) And that makes you my new best friend. I will happily compensate you for anything you can tell us that will lead to its recovery. ROSE I don't want your money, Mr. Lovett. I know how hard it is for people who care greatly for money to give some away. CROW: *ROSE, eccentric* I spy with my little eye… BODINE (skeptical) You don't want anything? TOM: *BODINE* Woman, are you out of your freakin' mind? CROW: *ROSE* Yes. ROSE (indicating the drawing) You may give me this, if anything I tell you is of value. CROW: *ROSE* Oh I'm a kinky old woman. LOVETT Deal. (crossing the room) Over here are a few things we've recovered from your staterooms. TOM: *LOVETT* I never knew you were such a dirty woman! Laid out on a worktable are fifty or so objects, from mundane to valuable. Rose, shrunken in her chair, can barely see over the table top. With a trembling hand she lifts a tortoise shell hand mirror, inlaid with mother of pearl. She caresses it wonderingly. CROW: *ROSE* Mirror, Mirror in my hand, who's the oldest in the land? ROSE This was mine. How extraordinary! It looks the same as the last time I saw it. She turns the mirror over and looks at her ancient face in the cracked glass. ROSE The reflection has changed a bit. TOM: *ROSE* I'm dry and papery now. CROW: Some jokes never get old. She spies something else, MIKE: The plot! a silver and moonstone art-nouveau brooch. CROW: *ROSE* This is the brooch I used to kill…Umm, nevermind. ROSE My mother's brooch. She wanted to go back for it. Caused quite a fuss. MIKE: *ROSE* Of course, she's dead now. So any further relevance to the story ends here. Rose picks up an ornate art-nouveau HAIR COMB. A jade butterfly takes flight on the ebony handle of the comb. She turns it slowly, remembering. We can see that Rose is experiencing a rush of images and emotions that have lain dormant for eight decades as she handles the butterfly comb. CROW: *ROSE, thinking* I don't understand the great depression. I mean, what was so great about it? LOVETT Are you ready to go back to Titanic? MIKE: *LOVETT* Or are you gonna cough up the money? CROW: I tell ya, Mike that joke will NEVER get stale. CUT TO: 29 INT. IMAGING SHACK ALL: *singing* Is a little old place where…we can go together… / KELDYSH It is a darkened room lined with TV monitors. IMAGES OF THE WRECK fill the screens, fed from Mir One and Two, and the two ROVs, Snoop Dog and DUNCAN. TOM: Macleod of the Clan Macleod. MIKE: Cameron's making up characters left and right. BODINE Live from 12,000 feet. TOM: It's SATURDAY NIGHT!! ROSE stares raptly at the screens. She is enthraled by one in particular, CROW: The one showing the Spice channel. an image of the bow railing. It obviously means something to her. Brock is studying her reactions carefully. TOM: So it obviously means nothing to us. BODINE The bow's struck in the bottom like an axe, from the impact. Here... I can run a simulation we worked up on this monitor over here. CROW: *Bodine* And resurface old nightmares that'll haunt you for the rest of your short, fragile life. Lizzy turns the chair so Rose can see the screen of Bodine's computer. As he is calling up the file, he keeps talking. BODINE We've put together the world's largest database on the Titanic. MIKE: *BODINE* But most of it's a Quake patch. Okay, here... LOVETT Rose might not want to see this, Lewis. CROW: *LOVETT* There's a Gumby short preceding it. ROSE No, no. It's fine. I'm curious. TOM: *ROSE* Bi curious, that is. Bodine starts a COMPUTER ANIMATED GRAPHIC on the screen, which parallels his rapid-fire narration. CROW: And at 60fps the demo is over in five short seconds. TOM: Shareware sucks. BODINE She hits the berg on the starboard side and it sort of bumps along... punching holes like a morse code... dit dit dit, down the side. Now she's flooding in the TOM: Basement. CROW: Of course. BODINE (cont'd) forward compartments... and the water spills over the tops of the bulkheads, going aft. As her bow is going down, her stern is coming up... slow at first... and then faster and faster until it's lifting all that weight, maybe 20 or 30 thousand tons... out of the water and the hull can't deal... so SKRTTT!! TOM: SKRTTT? MIKE: Cameron had to WRITE IN the Foley? (making a sound in time with the animation) ... it splits! Right down to the keel, which acts like a big hinge. Now the bow swings down and the stern falls back level... but the weight of the bow pulls the stern up vertical, and then the bow section detaches, heading for the bottom. The stern bobs like a cork, floods and goes under about 2:20 a.m. Two hours and forty minutes after the collision. CROW: But that won't come for awhile since this demo's playing in real time so sit back and grab a sandwich. The animation then follows the bow section as it sinks. Rose watches this clinical dissection of the disaster without emotion. TOM: For she is now dead and no one noticed yet. BODINE The bow pulls out of its dive and planes away, almost a half a mile, before it hits the bottom going maybe 12 miles an hour. KABOOM! CROW: *ROSE* Wow, that was considered fast in my day. The bow impacts, digging deeply into the bottom, the animation now follows the stern. TOM: *Howard Stern* Because I am the KING OF ALL MEDIA! BODINE The stern implodes as it sinks, from the pressure, and rips apart from the force of the current as it falls, landing like a big pile of junk. MIKE: Ah, so Titanic was made by Chrysler. (indicating the simulation) Cool huh? TOM: *ROSE* Bitchin', dude. ROSE Thank you for that fine forensic analysis, Mr. Bodine. Of course the experience of it was somewhat less clinical. CROW: *ROSE* Because I didn't actually sink with the Titanic, I kindof floated like a buoy. LOVETT Will you share it with us? MIKE: *LOVETT* And by that I mean go into an overlong flashback which makes up most of the film's plot? Her eyes go back to the screens, showing the sad ruins far below them. TOM: Hey, they're above Atlantis and they don't even know it. A VIEW from one of the subs TRACKING SLOWLY over the boat deck. Rose recognizes one of the Wellin davits, still in place. She hears ghostly waltz music. The faint and echoing sound of an officer's voice, English accented, calling "Women and children only". CROW: *English Accent* WITH 10-10-220 YOU CAN SAVE 99 CENTS ON LONG DISTANCE CALLS! TOM: No, we all know that 10-10-321 is a lot better at saving money… MIKE: Now you two… 30 FLASH CUTS of screaming faces in a running crowd. Pandemonium and terror. People crying, praying, kneeling on the deck. Just impressions... flashes in the dark. CROW: One AWESOME White Zombie video. 31 Rose Looks at another monitor. SNOOP DOG moving down a rusted, debris-filled corridor. Rose watches the endless row of doorways sliding past, like dark mouths. TOM: *deep voice* Say Ahhhhhhh….. 32 IMAGE OF A CHILD, three years old, standing ankle deep in water in the middle of an endless corridor. The child is lost alone, crying. MIKE: *a child, crying* I wanted to be in Good Will Hunting, waaaah… 33 Rose is shaken by the flood of memories and emotions. Her eyes well up and she puts her head down, sobbing quietly. LIZZY (taking the wheelchair) I'm taking her to rest. TOM: *LIZZY* Her PERMANENT rest. ROSE No! MIKE: *ROSE* I will not pay too much for this muffler! Her voice is surprisingly strong. The sweet little old lady is gone, replaced by a woman with eyes of steel. Lovett signals everyone to stay quiet. LOVETT Tell us, Rose. ALL: *Magenta and Columbia* Tell us about it, Rose! She looks from screen to screen, the images of the ruined ship. TOM: A metaphor for Gloria Stewart's career. ROSE It's been 84 years... MIKE: Crow, say it and you're dead. LOVETT Just tell us what you can-- ROSE (holds up her hand for silence) It's been 84 years... and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. CROW: The virgins had never been spanked… He switches on the minirecorder and sets it near her. MIKE: Oh how nice, she wants to cut a demo. ROSE Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams. And it was. It really was... TOM: Then it took the eternal SLEEEEEEP!! MIKE: Tom…. As the underwater camera rises past the rusted bow rail, WE DISSOLVE / MATCH MOVE to that same railing in 1912... CROW: Which oddly enough is STILL underwater. MATCH DISSOLVE: ALL: *making that Wayne's World dream sequence noise* 34 EXT. SOUTHAMPTON DOCK - DAY TOM: *singing* Love….exciting and new…. SHOT CONTINUES IN A FLORIOUS REVEAL as the gleaming white superstructure of Titanic rises mountainously beyond the rail, and above that the buff-colored funnels stand against the sky like the pillars of a great temple. TOM: *still singing* Come aboard….we're expecting YOUUUUUUU…. MIKE: Okay, that's enough of that. Crewmen move across the deck, dwarfed by the awesome scale of the steamer. Southanmpton, England, April 10, 1912. It is almost noon on ailing day. A crowd of hundreds blackens the pier next to Titanic like ants on a jelly sandwich. CROW: Thus, the REAL movie starts, so sit back, grab some popcorn, and prepare to die. IN FG a gorgeous burgundy RENAULT TOURING CAR swings into frame, hanging from a loading crane. It is lowered toward HATCH #2. MIKE: *a crusty old sea captain* Arrrr, these tuna be gettin' weirder and weirder. On the pier horsedrawn vehicles, motorcars and lorries move slowly through the dense throng. The atmosphere is one of excitement and general giddiness. People embrace in tearful farewells, or wave and shout bon voyage wishes to friends and relatives on the decks above. TOM: Bye! Good luck becoming tenement dwellers and butchers and taxi drivers and policemen and convenience store clerks!! MIKE: And have fun poisoning America's gene pools! A white RENAULT, leading a silver-gray DAIMLER-BENZ, pushes through the crowd leaving a wake in the press of people. Around the handsome cars people are streaming to board the ship, jostling with hustling seamen and stokers, porters, and barking WHITE STAR LINE officials. ALL; ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!!! The Renault stops and the LIVERIED DRIVER scurries to open the door for a YOUNG WOMAN dressed in a stunning white and purple outfit, with an enormous feathered hat. TOM: But she's not in this script so let's continue with the actual story. She is 17 years old and beautiful, regal of bearing, with piercing eyes. MIKE: So don't run while carrying her. It is the girl in the drawing. ROSE. She looks up at the ship, taking it in with cool appraisal. CROW: *ROSE* I could take this boat in a fight. ROSE I don't see what all the fuss is about. It doesn't look any bigger than the Mauretania. TOM: *ROSE* I mean, I know the Mauretania, I've been friends with the Mauretania, you ship are no Mauretania. A PERSONAL VALET opens the door on the other side of the car for CALEDON HOCKLEY, the 30 year old heir to the elder Hockley's fortune. "Cal" is handsome, arrogant and rich beyond meaning. MIKE Read; Gay as a tree full of parrots. CAL You can be blase about some things, Rose, but not about Titanic. It's over a hundred feet longer than Mauretania, and far more luxurious. It has squash courts, a Parisian cafe... even Turkish baths. MIKE: See? Cal turns and fives his hand to Rose's mother, RUTH DEWITT BUKATER, who descends from the touring car being him. Ruth is a 40ish society empress, from one of the most prominent Philadelphia families. She is a widow, and rules her household with iron will. TOM: Mommy Fuhrer. CAL Your daughter is much too hard to impress, Ruth. MIKE: This about a woman who stands for hours staring at shiny stuff. (indicating a puddle) Mind your step. TOM: *CAL* Put your foot here, on this roller skate. RUTH (gazing at the leviathan) So this is the ship they say is unsinkable. CROW: So this is the plot they say is unthinkable. CAL It is unsinkable. God himself couldn't sink this ship. MIKE: Ironic statement number one folks. Pay attention, there WILL be a test after the script. Cal speaks with the pride of a host providing a special experience. TOM: A Jimi Hendrix experience. This entire entourage of rich Americans is impeccably turned out, a quintessential example of the Edwardian upper class, complete with servants. Cal's VALET, SPICER LOVEJOY, CROW: Surly Spice. is a tall and impassive, dour as an undertaker. MIKE: Nekkid as a jaybird. Behind him emerge TWO MAIDS, TOM: A-milking! personal servants to Ruth and Rose. MIKE: But they're gonna die two and a half hours from now, so why bother naming them, right? A WHITE STAR LINE PORTER scurries toward them, harried by last minute loading. CROW: How does one "harry" exactly? MIKE: Remember, Crow. Thought requirement. PORTER Sir, you'll have to check your baggage through the main terminal, round that way-- TOM: *PORTER* Under the sign that reads "Abandon all hope all ye who enter here." Cal nonchalantly hands the man a fiver. CROW: Followed by an ass-whuppin'. The porter's eyes dilate. Five pounds was a monster tip in those days. CAL I put my faith in you, good sir. TOM: *PORTER* After 2000 straight games I'd hope so, Mister Ripken. (MORE) CAL (CONT'D) (curtly, indicating Lovejoy) See my man. MIKE: Sorry pal, I don't go that way. PORTER Yes, sir. My pleasure, sir. Cal never tires of the effect of money on the unwashed masses. CROW: Oh He's a regular Uncle Pennybags alright. MIKE: Chances are it's Monopoly money anyway. LOVEJOY (to the porter) These trunks here, and 12 more in the Daimler. We'll have all this lot up in the rooms. TOM: *LOVEJOY* Because we want to make sure we'll sink faster than everyone else when this mamma-jamma goes down! The White Star man looks stricken when he sees the enormous pile of steamer trunks and suitcases loading down the second car, including wooden crates and steel safe. He whistles frantically for some cargo-handlers nearby who come running. MIKE: Cargo Handlers come running for the rich taste of Ovaltine! Cal breezes on, leaving the minions to scramble. He quickly checks his pocket watch. TOM: *CAL* Hmm, time to murder the old lady. Better get to it, then. CAL We'd better hurry. This way, ladies. MIKE: *ROSE* But that's the edge of the pier! CROW: *CAL* And your point would be…. He indicates the way toward the first class gangway. They move into the crowd. TRUDY BOLT, Rose's maid, hustles behind them, TOM: As fast as lightning! Hehehehehe. MIKE: Tom… TOM: Sorry. laden with bags of her mistress's most recent purchases... things too delicate for the baggage handlers. CROW: Handi-wipes? MIKE: Mother's chicken soup? TOM: A chunk of mercury? Cal leads, weaving between vehicles and handcarts, MIKE: Past Earnhardt on the outside up on Jeff Gordon, OOH! LaBonte sends him into the wall! hurrying passengers (mostly second class and steerage) and well-wishers. Most of the first class passengers are avoiding the smelly press of the dockside crowd by using an elevated boarding bridge, twenty feet above. CROW: Many decry the social custom of urinating on the poor, yet forget the great progress we had made by that point. They pass a line of steerage passengers in their coarse wool and tweeds, queued up inside movable barriers like cattle in a chute. A HEALTH OFFICER examines their heads one by one, checking scalp and eyelashes for lice. MIKE: Guns? Bombs? What are they? What's a hijacking? They pass a well-dressed young man cranking the handle of a wooden Biograph TOM: Hosted by Peter Graves. "cinematograph" camera mounted on a tripod. DANIEL MARVIN (whose father founded the Biograph Film Studio) is filming his young bride in front of the Titanic. MARY MARVIN stands stiffly and smiles, self conscious. CROW: While Naniel, with bottle of Jack in hand, lays before her stiffly and smiles, UN- conscious. DANIEL Look up at the ship, darling, that's it. You're amazed! You can't believe how big it is! Like a mountain. That's great. CROW: *DANIEL* Umm…honey why are you alternating between looking at the ship and looking at my crotch? Mary Marvin, without an acting fiber in her body, does a bad Clara Bow pantomime of awe, hands raised. MIKE: Now, there, you see, a movie that can tell when it's bad itself! TOM: Aw, but that takes out all the fun in finding out how bad a movie it actually is! Cal is jostled by two yelling steerage boys who shove past him. CROW: *CAL* Hey! Save that for the the Turkish Bath house! And he is bumped again a second later by the boys' father. CROW: *CAL* Dammit… DAMMIT! I know I'm Billy Zane and all but REALLY… CAL Steady!! MAN Sorry squire! The Cockney father pushes on, after his kids, shouting. MIKE: *Cockney accent* Nigel put the gun down, no Nigel… NIGEL POINT THE BLOODY GUN AWAY FROM THE CAPTAIN'S HEAD! CAL Steerage swine. Apparently missed his annual bath. RUTH Honestly, Cal, if you weren't forever booking everything at the last instant, we could have gone through the terminal instead of running along the dock like some squalid immigrant family. CROW: *RUTH* Everywhere around the world, they comin' to America. CAL All part of my charm, Ruth. At any rate, it was my darling fiancee's beauty rituals which made us late. TOM: *CAL* Really, Rose. I can't see WHY you insist on sacrificing a virgin to Baal every time we travel. ROSE You told me to change. MIKE: *CAL* You misunderstood me, I asked you if you HAD change, I wanted an RC cola. CAL I couldn't let you wear black on sailing day, sweetpea. It's bad luck. TOM: So is starring in movies about Depression-era superheroes, Billy…IF you catch my drift *ahem* ROSE I felt like black. CROW: *ROSE* I wanted to crack open a 40 and chill with my homies in the hood, but NOOO you wanted to take a boat ride. Cal guides them out of the path of a horse-drawn wagon loaded down with two tons of OXFORD MARMALADE, in wooden cases, for Titanic's Victualling Department. MIKE: Wagon driven by Paddington T. Bear. CAL Here I've pulled every string I could to book us on the grandest ship in history, in her most luxurious suites... and you act as if you're going to your execution. MIKE: *CAL* The man in the hood with the axe won't do anything in public, you know! Rose looks up as the hull of Titanic looms over them...a great iron wall, Bible black and severe. Cal motions her forward, and she enters the gangway to the D Deck doors with a sense of overwhelming dread. TOM: *Stallone* I AM THE LAW! OLD ROSE (V.O.) It was the ship of dreams... to everyone else. To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains. MIKE: So we're now watching Amistad, it's the classic bait and switch! CLOSE ON CAL'S HAND IN SLOW-MOTION as it closes possessively over Rose's arm. He escorts her up the gangway and the black hull of Titanic swallows them. OLD ROSE (V.O.) Outwardly I was everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, MIKE: *OLD ROSE* I had a creamy nougat center. I was screaming. TOM: Hey Mike. MIKE: Yeah. TOM: *distorted voice* What's your FAVORITE Cheesy Movie? 35 CUT TO a SCREAMING BLAST from the mighty triple steam horns on Titanic's funnels, bellowing their departure warning. CROW: Happy hour ends in five minutes! CUT TO: 36 EXT. SOUTHAMPTON DOCKS / TITANIC - DAY TOM: *singing to "Southampton" from the film* This…Mo-vie really BITES, and it sucks so much that I wish I were dead… A VIEW OF TITANIC from several blocks away, towering above the terminal buildings like the skyline of a city. The steamer's whistle echoes across Southampton. TOM: *still singing* SUCKS SUCKS, THIS MOVIE SUCKS IT'S TO-TAL CRAP, I WANT JAMES CAMERON'S HEAD… PULL BACK, revealing that we were looking through a window, and back further to show the smoky inside of a pub. It is crowded with dockworkers and ship;s crew. CROW: and even further back, where we see a view of the cameraman falling off the railing and into the icy ocean below. The end! Just inside the window, a poker game is in progress. FOUR MEN, in working class clothes, play a very serious hand. MIKE: The Village People IN "Can't Stop the Gambling" JACK DAWSON and FABRIZIO DE ROSSI, both about 20, exchange a glance as the other two players argue in Swedish. Jack is American, a lanky drifter with his hair a little long for the standards of the times. He is also unshaven, and his clothes are rumpled from sleeping in them. He is an artist, and has adopted the bohemian style of art scene in Paris. TOM: In short, he's gay. CROW: As well as short. TOM: Yep. MIKE: Now you two, don't start with that. He is also very self-possessed and sure-footed for 20, having lived on his own since 15. MIKE: Umm…Tom? I think you're right! The TWO SWEDES continue their sullen argument, in Swedish. CROW: Since they're SWEDES, from SWEDEN who speak SWEDISH. OLAF (subtitled) You stupid fishhead. I can't believe you bet our tickets. MIKE: Fishhead? Run out of lines, Mr. Cameron? CROW: *singing* Plot Holes, Plot Holes, roly-poly Plot Holes. Plot Holes, Plot Holes, Eat them up, YUM! SVEN (subtitled) You lost our money. I'm just trying to get it back. Now shutup and take a card. TOM: The world's strangest session of Magic: The Gathering. JACK (jaunty) Hit me again, Sven. CROW: *punch noise* Jack takes the card and slips it into his hand. CROW: *JACK* Meet me tonight in the men's room for…HEY! ECU JACK'S EYES. They betray nothing. TOM: Except underpants. CLOSE ON FABRIZIO licking his lips nervously as he refuses a card. CROW: *FABRIZIO* Oh this crucial plot element is making me SOOOO HOTTTT… ECU STACK in the middle of the table. Bills and coins from four countries. This has been going on for a while. Sitting on top of the money are two 3RD CLASS TICKETS for RMS TITANIC. TOM and CROW: *singing* FLOOOAAA….TING…CI…TY, FLOOOOOAAA…TING….CIIIITY… MIKE: Okay you two, you can riff the Titanic all you want but there will be no ripping into the musical. I REFUSE to let you sink that far. CROW: You know, there are lots of ways we can interpret that, Mike, what with the subject of the script and… MIKE: WHY YOU LITTLE…*MIKE reaches over and starts strangling CROW* The Titanic's whistle blows again. Final warning. TOM: Movie Sign. JACK The moment of truth boys. Somebody's life's about to change. CROW: *JACK* Somebody's goin' to a watery grave. Fabrizio puts his cards down. So do the Swedes. TOM: But the Romanians come out of nowhere and take the Gold! Jack holds his close. CROW: *JACK* I've always loved you, cards.. JACK Let's see... Fabrizio's got niente. MIKE: *JACK* I have NO idea what that translates to. Olaf, you've got squat. TOM: *JACK* Betty, she's a girl. Sven, uh oh... CROW: HE'S BECOMING A TELETUBBY! two pair... mmm. MIKE: *JACK* Mmm…Man how does that Crash Test Dummies song go again? (turns to his friend) Sorry Fabrizio. FABRIZIO What sorry? What you got? You lose my money?? Ma va fa'n culo testa di cazzo-- TOM: Hey, your mama pal! JACK Sorry, you're not gonna see your mama again for a long time... He slaps a full house down on the table. MIKE: JODIE SWEETIN, NO!! JACK (grinning) 'Cause you're goin' to America!! Full house boys! FABRIZIO Porca Madonna!! YEEAAAAA!!! CROW: Pork Madonna? She doesn't have that image anymore! The table explodes TOM: Oh that wacky Ted Kaczinsky. into shouting in several languages. MIKE: Suddenly the Peace Summit goes horribly arwy. Jack rakes in the money and the tickets. CROW: Our hero. JACK (to the Swedes) Sorry boys. Three of a kind and a pair. I'm high and you're dry and... TOM: *JACK* Well basically I'm just high. (to Fabrizio) ... we're going to-- MIKE: *singing* Strawberry Fields… FABRIZIO/JACK L'AMERICA!!! TOM: L'America and L'America subsidiaries property and copyright of L'World Associates. All rights reserved. Olaf balls up one huge farmer's fist. CROW: Your Green Acres joke here. We think he's going to clobber Jack, but he swings round and punches Sven, TOM: Because he, too was affected by DiCaprio's inherent adorableness and could not bring himself to hurt him. who flops backward onto the floor and sits there, looking depressed. Olaf forgets about Jack and Fabrizio, who are dancing around, and goes into a rapid harangue of his stupid cousin. CROW: Who, Olaf or Jack and Fabrizio? MIKE: Crow, Thought. Jack kisses the tickets, then jumps on Fabrizio's back and rides him around the pub. ALL: OH GOD NO!!!!!!!! It's like they won the lottery. MIKE: Or were doing a totally WRONG performance of "My Friend Flicka"! JACK Goin' home... to the land o' the free and the home of the real hot-dogs! On the TITANIC!! We're ridin' in high style now! We're practically goddamned royalty, ragazzo mio!! TOM: So a bunch of Brooklynites took over Titanic? MIKE: I'm as confused as you are Tom. FABRIZIO You see? Is my destinio!! Like I told you. I go to l'America!! To be a millionaire!! CROW: Presenting, the most misled individual in the world! (MORE) FABRIZIO (CONT'D) (to pubkeeper) Capito?? I go to America!! MIKE: If they break into a rousing musical number, I'm jumping out an airlock. PUBKEEPER No, mate. Titanic go to America. In five minutes. CROW: No time to lose! MIKE: No…time to lose? TOM: No time to…LOSE! JACK Shit!! Come on, Fabri! TOM: *JACK* The Pride Parade awaits! MIKE: Tom! TOM: Well you have to agree the evidence is there. (grabbing their stuff) ALL: GAAAAH! Come on!! MIKE: *JACK* Feel the noise! Girls rock your boys and get wild wild wild! (to all, grinning) It's been grand. CROW: *JACK* Wish we could stay, but we have an appointment with our doom. Bye! They run for the door. PUBKEEPER 'Course I'm sure if they knew it was you lot comin', they'd be pleased to wait! MIKE: *JACK* And miss the carefree romp sequence through the crowd? No way! CUT TO: 37 OMITTED TOM: I wonder why… 38 EXT. TERMINAL - TITANIC Jack and Fabrizio, carrying everything they own in the world in the kit bags on their shoulders, sprint toward the pier. They tear through milling crowds next to the terminal. Shouts go up behind them as they jostle slow-moving gentlemen. MIKE: Hey, don't touch me there, pervert! TOM: Little prick, get me drunk before you do that! CROW: *lisping* Oh HELLO Sailor… They dodge piles of luggage, and weave through groups of people. They burst out onto the pier and Jack comes to a dead stop... staring at the cast wall of the ship's hull, towering seven stories above the wharf and over an eighth of a mile long. The Titanic is monstrous. TOM: Titanic makes Leonardo DiCaprio look noodly. CROW: He IS noodly TOM: Oh yeah. Fabrizio runs back and grabs Jack, and they sprint toward the third class gangway aft, at E deck. They reach the bottom of the ramp just as SIXTH OFFICER MOODY detaches it at the top. It starts to swing down from the gangway doors. CROW: And let's not forget Officers Happy, Sleepy, Sleazy and Drunk. JACK Wait!! We're passengers! MIKE: *JACK* And we ride, right through the city's backside. Flushed and panting, he waves the tickets. TOM: *MOODY* Are you flipping me off, young man? eMOODY Have you been through the inspction queue? JACK (lying cheerfully) Of course! Anyway, we don't have lice, we're Americans. CROW: I seem to remember this trick failing so miserably in "Spies Like Us." (glances at Fabrizio) Both of us. MIKE: If that thought didn't repulse me, I'd be touched. MOODY (testy) Right, come aboard. TOM: *singing* We're expecting…*MIKE gags him* Moody has QUARTERMASTER ROWE reattach the gangway. Jack and Fabrizio come aboard. Moody glances at the tickets, then passes Jack and Fabrizio through to Rowe. Rowe looks at the names on the tickets to enter them in the passenger list. ROWE Gundersen. And... (reading Fabrizio's) Gundersen. MIKE: Attorneys at Law. He hands the tickets back, eyeing Fabrizio's Mediterranean looks suspiciously. TOM: *a drill sargeant* You a Sicilian, boy? JACK (grabbing Fabrizio's arm) Come on, Sven. CROW: *lisping* Let's give you a makeover you won't believe. Jack and Fabrizio whoop with victory as they run down the white-painted corridero... ALL: PACKERS!!! grinning from ear to ear. JACK We are the luckiest sons of bitches in the world! TOM: If they say they can fly, can we burn the theater? CROW: Yeah. Please Mike? MIKE: Now, you two. You have to suffer just like the rest of us. TOM: The rest of who? MIKE: Just be quiet and watch. TOM and CROW: Awww.... CUT TO: 39 OMITTED 40 EXT. TITANIC AND DOCK - DAY TOM: *singing* Watchin' the clouds roll away… CROW: Well they're certainly wasting OUR time. The mooring lines, as big around as a man's arm, are dropped into the water. MIKE: But that's MY arm! TOM: Getting a bit dry, Mike? A cheer goes up on the pier as SEVEN TUGS pull the Titanic away from the quay. MIKE: …and there was much rejoicing. TOM and CROW: *non-committal* Yaay. CUT TO: 41 EXT. AFT WELL DECK / POOP DECK - DAY JACK AND FABRIZIO burst through a door onto the aft well deck. TRACKING WITH THEM as they run across the deck and up the steel stairs to the poop deck. They get to the rail and Jack starts to yell and wave to the crowd on the dock. MIKE: *JACK* Goodbye, suckers! Mwu-hahahahahahhaha! FABRIZIO You know somebody? JACK Of course not. That's not the point. (to the crowd) Goodbye! Goodbye!! I'll miss you! Grinning, Fabrizio joins in, adding his voice to the swell of voices, feeling the exhilaration of the moment. FABRIZIO Goodbye! I will never forget you!! MIKE: *FABRIZIO* Umm…I just forgot you! CUT TO: 42 OMITTED TOM: The more we're not allowed to see, the better. EXT. SOUTHAMPTON DOCK - DAY The crowd of cheering well-wishers waves heartily as a black wall of metal moves past them. MIKE: Excuse me, late for my appearance in 2001, comin' through! Impossibly tiny figues wave back from the ship's rails. Titanic gathers speed. TOM: It's the R.M.S. Keith Richards! CUT TO: 44 EXT. RIVER TEST - DAY IN A LONG LENS SHOT the prow of Titanic FILLS FRAME behind the lead tug, which is dwarfed. The bow wave spreads before the mighty plow of the liner's hull as it moves down the River Test toward the English Channel. CROW: Passing PAX TV and eventually hitting Comedy Central. ALL: Yaay!! CUT TO: 45 INT. THIRD CLASS BERTHING / G-DECK FORWARD - DAY Jack and Fabrizio walk down a narrow corridor with doors lining both sides like a college dorm. MIKE: Those crazy co-eds! TOM: *JACK* Off the bed you two! Total confusion as people argue over luggage in several languages, or wander in confusion in the labyrinth. CROW: David Bowie gave them 13 hours in which to sink the Titanic. They pass emigrants studying the signs over the doors, and looking up the words in phrase books. TOM: *Hungarian* My nipples explode with delight! MIKE: *Hungarian* You…great poof. CROW: *Hungarian* Eef I said you had a beautiful body…would you hold eet against me. They find their berth. TOM: *JACK* Carn-sarnit it was in my pocket the whole time, now ain't that a kick in the butt? It is a modest cubicle, MIKE: The Dilbert Titanic. painted enamel white, with four bunks. TOM: Sassy! Exposed pipes overhead. The other two guys are already there. OLAUS and BJORN GUNDERSEN. TOM and CROW: *Babs and Buster Bunny* No relation. Jack throws his kit on one open bunk, while Fabrizio takes the other. BJORN (in Swedish/ subtitled) Where is Sven? TOM: *announcer* Where IS Sven? Find out next week on "As the Titanic Sinks". CUT TO: 46 INT. SUITE B-52-56 - DAY By contrast, the so-called "Millionaire Suite" is in the Empire style, CROW: *humming the Imperial March* and comprises two bedrooms, a bath, WC, wardrobe room, and a large sitting room. In addition there is a private 50 foot promenade deck outside. TOM: *Thurston Howell* Well we're DEFINITELY living the high life, aren't we, Lovey? A room service waiter pours champagne into a tulip glass of orange juice and hands the Bucks Fizz to Rose. MIKE: Bucks Fizz? Is that a Star Wars character? CROW: Mike, please don't remind us of "A Coruscant Christmas" or we must kill you. She is looking through her new paintings. There is a Monet of water lilies, a Degas of dancers, TOM: A Multitude of Monkeys, a Plethora of Pinatas! and a few abstract works. They are all unknown paintings... lost works. Cal is out on the covered deck, which has potted trees and vines on trellises, CROW: *CAL* It's good being better than anyone else, don't you think Rose? talking through the doorway to Rose in the sitting room. CAL Those mud puddles were certainly a waste of money. MIKE: *CAL* I have NO idea why I said that, honestly. ROSE (looking at a cubist portrait) You're wrong. They're fascinating. Like in a dream... there's truth without logic. What's his name again... ? MIKE: *ROSE* Who's his daddy? (reading off the canvas) TOM: HEY! That's a cue card! Picasso. CROW: Pic your own asso, Asso! CAL (coming into the sitting room) He'll never amount to a thing, trust me. At least they were cheap. MIKE: *CAL* But you know those hookers… CROW: *ROSE* We were talking about paintings. MIKE: *CAL* Umm….hehe…. A porter wheels Cal's private safe (which we recognize) into the room on a handtruck. CAL Put that in the wardrobe. TOM: Here's some art for ya, Aslan. 47 IN THE BEDROOM Rose enters with the large Degas of the dancers. She sets it on the dresser, near the canopy bed. Trudy is already in there, hanging up some of Rose's clothes. CROW: *TRUDY* Dominatrix outfit, see-through skirt, skin-tight panties...quite a wardrobe you have here. TRUDY It smells so brand new. Like they built it all just for us. I mean... just to think that tonight, when I crawl between the sheets, I'll be the first-- MIKE: *TRUDY*…maid to break the sound barrier. Cal appears in the doorway of the bedroom. TOM: And for his next trick, he'll DISAPPEAR! CAL (looking at Rose) And when I crawl between the sheets tonight, I'll still be the first. CROW: *Austin Powers* YEAH BABY! TRUDY (blushing at the innuendo) S'cuse me, Miss. MIKE: *TRUDY* While I kiss the sky. She edges around Cal and makes a quick exit. TOM: Oh and Rose finds an opening, she's at the 40…the 30…the 20…SHE COULD…GO…ALL…THE…WAY! Cal comes up behind Rose and puts his hands on her shoulders. An act of possession, not intimacy. MIKE: Actually more like an act of war. CAL The first and only. Forever. Rose's expression shows how bleak a prospect this is for her, now. CROW: Because after this she won't be known for much else. MIKE: Like Phillip Michael Thomas after Miami Vice? CROW: Kinda. CUT TO: 48 EXT. CHERBOURG HARBOR, FRANCE - LATE DUSK TOM: Allied Forces begin phase one of the invasion. Titanic stands silhouetted against a purple post-sunset sky. CROW: Mystery Titanic Theater 3000. MIKE: Crow, fourth wall! CROW: Oops. Sorry. She is lit up like a floating palace, TOM: Wish I were lit up like a floating palace right now. MIKE: I hear ya, Tom. and her thousand portholes reflect in the calm harbor waters. The 150 foot tender Nomadic lies-to alongside, looking like a rowboat. The lights of a Cherbourg harbor complete the postcard image. CROW:…of Beautiful Downtown Burbank. CUT TO: 49 INT. FIRST CLASS RECEPTION/ D-DECK Entering the first class reception room from the tender are a number of prominent passengers. A BROAD-SHOULDERED WOMAN in an enormous feathered hat comes up the gangway, carrying a suitcase in each hand, ALL: Dame Edna! a spindly porter running to catch up with her to take the bags. WOMAN Well, I wasn't about to wait all day for you, sonny. Take 'em the rest of the way if you think you can manage. CROW: Anything you say, Miss MAN! MIKE: Settle down, Crow. OLD ROSE (V.O.) At Cherbourg a woman came aboard named Margaret Brown, CROW: *singing* She's bad, bad, Margaret Brown… but we all called her Molly. History would call her the Unsinkable Molly Brown. Her husband had struck gold someplace out west, TOM: *OLD ROSE* It pressed assault charges. and she was what mother called "new money". At 45, MOLLY BROWN is a tough talking straightshooter who dresses in the finery of her genteel peers but will never be one of them. CROW: So in short, she's a lesbian. MIKE: ANOTHER one? TOM: Guys, I sense the Vaseline-coated hand of Joe Esterhaus. OLD ROSE (V.O.) By the next afternoon we had made our final stop and we were steaming west from the coast of Ireland, with nothing out ahead of us but ocean... CROW: *OLD ROSE* And a really big chunk of ice, of course. CUT TO: 50 OMITTED 51 EXT. BOW - DAY The ship glows with the warm creamy light of late afternoon. Jack and Fabrizio stand right at the bow gripping the curving railing so familiar from images of the wreck. Jack leans over, looking down fifty feet to where the prow cuts the surface like a knife, sending up two glassy sheets of water. TOM: *JACK, barfing* CROW: If they start to sing I'm taking hostages! CUT TO: 52 INT. / EXT. TITANIC - SERIES OF SCENES - DAY ON THE BRIDGE, CAPTAIN SMITH turns from the binnacle to FIRST OFFICER WILLIAM MURDOCH. TOM: *SMITH* I'm gonna sink this bitch. MIKE: Another classic, Tom. CAPTAIN SMITH Take her to sea Mister Murdoch. Let's stretch her legs. TOM: *MURDOCH* Iceberg dead ahead! Just kidding! Murdoch moves the engine telegraph lever to ALL AHEAD FULL. CROW: *singing* Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse! 53 NOW BEGINS a kind of musical/visual setpiece... an ode to the great ship. TOM and CROW: *singing* WE'RE SAILING ABOARD THE GREATEST SHIP THAT EVER SAILED THE SEAS. THE HULL AND KEEL IMPERVIOUSLY… MIKE: GUYS! TOM: Oh yeah. CROW: Sorry about that, Mike. The music is rhythmic, surging forward, with a soaring melody that addresses the majesty and optimism of the ship of dreams. TOM: But since we couldn't find any, please enjoy the tunes of Grand Funk Railroad. IN THE ENGINE ROOM the telegraph clangs and moves to "All Ahead Full". CHIEF ENGINEER BELL All ahead full! CROW: *BELL* ABANDON SHIP! MIKE: Aren't you jumping a bit too early, Crow? CROW: I am? On the catwalk THOMAS ANDREWS, the shipbuilder, MIKE: Models part of the new spring collection from the House of Versace. watches carefully as the engineers and greasers scramble to adjust valves. Towering above them are the twin RECIPROCATING engines, four stories tall, their ten-foot-long connecting rods surging up and down with the turning of the massive crankshafts. The engines thunder like the footfalls of marching giants. TOM: 3M…building the future FOR YOU! 54 IN THE BOILER ROOMS the STOKERS chant a song as they hurl coal into the roaring furnaces. ALL: *chanting* Shake shake shake….shake shake shake….shake your booty….shake your booty… The "black gang" are covered with sweat and coal dust, their muscles working like part of the machinery as they toil in the hellish glow. MIKE: Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids have REALLY been desperate for work. 55 UNDERWATER the enormous bronze screws chop through the water, hurling the steamer forward and churning up a vortex of foam that lingers for miles behind the juggernaut ship. Smoke pours from the funnels as-- MIKE: Crow, make one Concentration Camp joke and I'm taking you apart! 56 The riven water flares higher at the bow as the ship's speeds builds. THE CAMERA SWEEPS UP the prow to find Jack, the wind streaming through his hair and-- TOM: Fabrizio's sinewy arms wrapped securely around Jack's eager male….*MIKE muffles him* MIKE: Tom, for that image you just put in my head, say goodbye to your Jackie Collins collection. 57 Captain Smith steps out of the enclosed bridge onto the wing. He stands with his hands on the rail, looking every bit the storybook picture of a Captain... CROW: Captain Crunch. a great patriarch of the sea. . MIKE: Joseph Kennedy? FIRST OFFICER MURDOCH Twenty one knots, sir! TOM: *Andy Griffith* Now THAT'S a lot of Barney. SMITH She's got a bone in her teeth now, eh, Mr. Murdoch. CROW: Whatever you say, sir. *aside* Hello, Bellevue? Smith accepts a cup of tea from FIFTH OFFICER LOWE. He contentedly watches the white V of water hurled outward from the bows like an expression of his own personal power. They are invulnerable, towering over the sea. TOM:*Smith* I AM invincible. I WILL sink this sucker! I WILL live to talk about it! MIKE: Umm, Tom. In the history books, the Captain went down with the ship. TOM: *SMITH* Don't RUIN the script for me, Michael! CROW: Script does that just fine on its own. 58 AT THE BOW Jack and Fabrizio lean far over, looking down. ALL: *chanting* Push him over! Push him over! Push him over! In the glassy bow-wave two dolphins appear, MIKE: In a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer. under the water, running fast just in front of the steel blade of the prow. They do it for the sheer joy and exultation of motion. TOM: Try putting THAT on a T-Shirt. Jack watches the dolphins and grins. They breach, jumping clear of the water and then dive back, crisscrossing in front of the bow, dancing ahead of the juggernaut. FABRIZIO looks forward across the Atlantic, staring into the sun sparkles. *MIKE and CROW look at TOM* TOM: What. MIKE: Just thought you were gonna… CROW: Yeah, I mean it's that kind of opportunity and all… TOM: Well just because I see an opportunity to do my Carlo Lombardi impression doesn't mean I have to take it ALL the time. MIKE: Fine, then. CROW: Good. *MIKE and CROW turn back to the screen* TOM: SLEEEEEEP!!! MIKE and CROW: D'oh! TOM: Hehehehehe. FABRIZIO I can see the Statue of Liberty already. CROW: Script, Phallic Symbol. Phallic Symbol, Script. MIKE: It's not a phallic symbol, it's a metaphor for Fabrizio's hopes of going to America. Watching Yankees games and stuff. (grinning at Jack) Very small... of course. TOM: No Mike, it was a phallic symbol. THE CAMERA ARCS around them, until they are framed against the sea. MIKE: What, no "I'm the King of the World?" TOM: Looks like it was put in during production. ALL: Thank god! NOW WE PULL BACK, across the forecastle CROW: And McCormick… deck. Rising, CROW: *singing* Rising like a demon that drives your dreams… MIKE: Okay Crow, you can stop that now. as we continue back, and the ships rolls endlessly forward underneath. Over the bridge wing, along the boat deck until her funnels come INTO FRAME besides us and march past like the pillars of heaven, one by one. We pull back and up, TOM: Man, just READING that jump cut gives me whiplash. until we are looking down the funnels, and the people strolling on the decks and standing at the rail become antlike. MIKE: "Antz" like, or "A Bug's Life" like? TOM and CROW: Mike! MIKE: Sorry..... And still we pull back until the great lady is seen whole in a gorgeous aerial portrait, black and severe in her majesty. CROW: Oprah Winfrey succeeds in her quest of being Empress of the Universe. ISMAY (V.O.) She is the largest moving object ever made by the hand of man in all history... MIKE: *ISMAY* Boys, that Roseanne is one sexy mamma-jamma. CUT TO: 59 INT. PALM COURT RESTAURANT - DAY CLOSE ON J. BRUCE ISMAY, Managing Director of White Star Line. TOM: And Funkmaster Supreme. ISMAY ...and our master shipbuilder, Mr. Andrews here, designed her from the keel plates up. He indicates a handsome 39 year old Irish gentlemen to his right, THOMAS ANDREWS, of Harland and Wolf Shipbuilders. WIDER, showing the group assembled for lunch the next day. Ismay seated with Cal, Rose, Ruth, Molly Brown and Thomas Andrews in the Palm Court, a beautiful sunny spot enclosed by high arched windows. ANDREWS (disliking the attention) Well, I may have knocked her together, TOM: Shhh, quiet guys, he's talking about the story! but the idea was Mr. Ismay's. MIKE: So please address all hate mail to him. He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale, and so luxurious in its appointments, that its supremacy would never be challenged. CROW: *ANDREWS* However, the plans for it got lost in a fire, so voila. And here she is... MIKE: Miss America. (he slaps the table) CROW: *ANDREWS* We will BURY you! ...willed into solid reality. MOLLY Why're ships always bein' called "she"? Is it because men think half the women around have big sterns and should be weighed in tonnage? (they all laugh) ALL: *ANDREWS and ISMAY* Hahahahahaha…kill her. Just another example of the men settin' the rules their way. TOM: You tell 'em, sister! The waiter arrives to take orders. Rose lights a cigarette. RUTH You know I don't like that, Rose. CAL She knows. MIKE: She's the Shadow. Cal takes the cigarette from her and stubs it out. CROW: *ROSE* Hey! What's the deal, I was alive with pleasure over here! CAL (to the waiter) We'll both have the lamb. Rare, with a little mint sauce. (to Rose, after the waiter moves away) You like lamb, don't you sweetpea? MIKE: *Olive Oyl* Oh, Popeye you know she isn't weaned. Molly is watching the dynamic between Rose, Cal and Ruth. MOLLY So, you gonna cut her meat for her too there, Cal? (turning to Ismay) Hey, who came up with the name Titanic? You, Bruce? CROW: *MOLLY* What a stupid name. You suck, Bruce. ISMAY Yes, actually. I wanted to convey sheer size. And size means stability, luxury... and safety- TOM: *ISMAY* Kinda like a Lincoln town car, well, not exactly like a Lincoln town car, more like a floating monster truck, without wheels, but one thing's for certain, neither have an airbag, hehe. ROSE Do you know of Dr. Freud? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you, Mr. Ismay. CROW: *Rod Stewart, singing* Overcompensation. Andrews chockes on his breadstick, suppressing laughter. RUTH My God, Rose, what's gotten into-- TOM: *RUTH*…These canapés, they're DELICIOUS! ROSE Excuse me. MIKE: *ROSE* While I kiss the sky. She stalks away. TOM:*ROSE* I must flee to once again use my Freudian knowledge for evil, I say…EVIL! RUTH (mortified) I do apologize. MOLLY She's a pistol, Cal. You sure you can handle her? MIKE: Yeah, just remember to leave the safety off and keep her loaded at all times. CAL (tense but feigning unconcern) Well, I may have to start minding what she reads from now on. CROW: *CAL* That's it, her Highlights subscription is HISTORY! CUT TO: 60 EXT. POOP DECK / AFTER DECKS - DAY Jack sits on a bench in the sun. Titanic's wake spreads out behind him to the horizon. He has his knees pulled up, supporting a leather bound sketching pad, his only valuable possession. With conte crayon he draws rapidly, using sure strokes. An emigrant from Manchester named CARTMELL has his 3 year old daughter CORA standing on the lower rung of the rail. She is leaned back against his beer barrel of a stomach, watching the seagulls. TOM: *singing* Flyyyy…lesbian seagull. THE SKETCH captures them perfectly, with a great sense of the humanity of the moment. Jack is good. Really good. CROW: Really REALLY good. We mean it, he kicks ass. Seriously. Fabrizio looks over Jack's shoulder. He nods appreciatively. TOM: *FABRIZIO* Your cologne...Obsession? CROW: *JACK* No, Possession, but you weren't far off, dearie. MIKE: Stop it you two. TOMMY RYAN, a scowling young Irish emigrant, watches as a crewmember comes by, walking three small dogs around the deck. One of them, a BLACK FRENCH BULLDOG, is among the ugliest creatures on the planet. TOMMY That's typical. First class dogs come down here to take a shit. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the after-dinner dialogue. Jack looks up from his sketch. TOM: *JACK* Oh come on, I was having a killer Gilbert Grape flashback. JACK That's so we know where we rank in the scheme of things. MIKE: Somewhere between Private Moment and Major Annoyance. TOMMY Like we could forget. Jack glances across the well deck. At the aft railing of B deck promenade stands ROSE, in a long yellow dress and white gloves. TOM: *ROSE* If I had my umbrella I'd be off this vessel by now. I wonder where I put my spoonful of sugar... CLOSE ON JACK, unable to take his eyes off of her. They are across from each other, about 60 feet apart, with the well deck like a valley between them. She on her promontory, he on his much lower one. She stares down at the water. MIKE: Oh what I wouldn't give for some gun-toting Capulets right now. He watches her unpin her elaborate hat and take it off. She looks at the frilly absurd thing, then tosses it over the rail. It sails far down to the water and is carried away, astern. A spot of yellow in the vast ocean. He is riveted by her. TOM: Ability to sing Tony Orlando songs backwards? MIKE: Pack of Camels? CROW: Long but beautiful mustache? She looks like a figure in a romantic novel, sad and isolated. TOM: and Fabio. Fabrizio taps Tommy MIKE: You're it. and they both look at Jack gazin at Rose. Fabrizio and Tommy grin at each other. Rose turns suddenly and looks right at Jack. He is caught staring, but he doesn't look away. She does, but then looks back. Their eyes meet across the space of the well deck, across the gulf between worlds. Jack sees a man (Cal) come up behind her and take her arm. She jerks her arm away. They argue in pantomime. She storms away, and he goes after her, disappearing along the A-deck promenade. Jack stares after her. TOMMY Forget it, boyo. You'd as like have angels fly out o' yer arse as get next to the likes o' her. CROW: *JACK* Wanna bet? Fabrizio, my Ex-Lax! CUT TO: 61 INT. FIRST CLASS DINING SALOON - NIGHT TOM: *a Request-a-Song Pianist* Her name was Lola...She was a showgirl, yeah...How's everyone tonight? SLOWLY PUSHING IN ON ROSE as she sits, flanked by people in heated conversation. Cal and Ruth are laughing together, while on the other side LADY DUFF-GORDON is holding forth animatedly. CROW: How does one do that, exactly? We don't hear what they are saying. MIKE: Because we have become comfortably numb. Rose is staring at her plate, barely listening to the inconsequential babble around her. CROW: She's trying to use the Jedi Mind Trick to levitate her plate. TOM: The Force is strong with this one. OLD ROSE (V.O.) I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it... an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches... always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed. CROW: *OLD ROSE* Which was fine by me, sorry for bringing that up. ANGLE BENEATH TABLE showing Rose's hand, TOM: Hey hey HEY HEY HEY!! Cameron this is a FAMILY film! holding a tiny fork from her crab salad. TOM: That's better. She pokes the crab-fork into the skin of her arm, harder and harder until it draws blood. MIKE: Hey, no fair you were supposed to end the refrain, first! Cheater. CUT TO: 62 INT. CORRIDOR / B DECK - NIGHT Rose walks along the corridor. A steward coming the other way greets her, and she nods with a slight smile. She is perfectly composed. MIKE: She has Brahm's lullabye written on her dress, get it? "Perfectly Composed?" Oh, forget it. CUT TO: 63 INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT CROW: At last, the scene that EVERY MALE VIEWER OF THIS OVERBLOWN CHICK FLICK HAS BEEN WAITING FOR!! She enters the room. Stands in the middle, TOM: I am severely tempted to break into an REM song, quick, hold me back Mike. staring at her reflection in the large vanity mirror. Just stands there, then-- CROW: CRASH! The ship sinks! TOM: KABLAM! The Keystone cops give chase! MIKE: BOOM! The earth explodes...wait a minute... With a primal, anguished cry she claws at her throat, ripping off her pearl necklace, which explodes across the room. In a frenzy she tears at herself, her clothes, her hair... CROW: Is it POSSIBLE to have a solo cat-fight? then attacks the room. She flings everything off the dresser and it flies clattering against the wall. She hurls a handmirror against the vanity, cracking it. TOM: Well….She'd make a great member of The Who. CUT TO: 64 EXT. A DECK PROMENADE, AFT - NIGHT MIKE: Lee Van Cleef guest stars as Master Ninja on a very special Love Boat. Rose runs along the B deck promenade. She is dishevelled, her hair flying. She is crying, her cheeks streaked with tears. But also angry, furious! Shaking with emotions she doesn't understand... hatred, self-hatred, desperation. A strolling couple watch her pass. Shocked at the emotional display in public. TOM: *ROSE* I KNEW it wasn't butter, I knew it, I knew it! CUT TO: 65 EXT. POOP DECK - NIGHT Jack is kicked back on one of the benches gazing at the stars blazing gloriously overhead. Thinking artist thoughts and smoking a cigarette. CROW: *JACK* I wonder how my life would have turned out if I never wore pants. Hearing something, he turns as Rose runs up the stairs from the well deck. They are the only two on the stern deck, except for QUARTERMASTER ROWE, twenty feet above them on the docking bridge catwalk. She doesn't see Jack in the shadows, and runs right past him. TOM: Such is life. TRACKING WITH ROSE as she runs across the deserted fantail. Her breath hitches in an occasional sob, which she suppresses. Rose slams against the base of the stern flagpole and clings there, panting. She stares out at the black water. MIKE: Well, Tom? TOM: Oh if you insist…..SLEEEEEEEP! Then starts to climb over the railing. She has to hitch her long dress way up, CROW: Woo-hoo! and climbing is clumsy. MIKE: As is her acting. Moving methodically she turns her body and gets her heels on the white-painted gunwale, her back to the railing, facing out toward blackness. 60 feet below her, the massive propellers are churning the Atlantic into white foam, TOM: So essentially the Titanic was one giant shaving brush. MIKE: I suppose… and a ghostly wake trails off toward the horizon. IN A LOW ANGLE, we see Rose standing like a figurehead in reverse. CROW: A metaphor for the ass-backwards plot. Below her are the huge letters of the name "TITANIC". MIKE: Product Placement? For shame, Mr. Cameron! She leans out, her arms straightening... looking down hypnotized, TOM: Umm…Sleep, I suppose. into the vortex below her. Her dress and hair are lifted by the wind of the ship's movement. The only sound, above the rush of water below, is the flutter and snap of the big Union Jack right above her. MIKE: And the progressive rock grooves of Blue Oyster Cult. JACK Don't do it. TOM: Relax, where ya wanna go? She whips her head around at the sound of his voice. CROW: *sound of a cracking whip* It takes a second for her eyes to focus. ROSE Stay back! Don't come any closer! MIKE: Is this REALLY an appropriate time to use dialogue normally reserved for hostage scenes? Jack sees the tear tracks on her cheeks in the faint glow from the stern running lights. CROW: *Howard Stern* So, done any of that wacky lesbian stuff today? JACK Take my hand. I'll pull you back in. ROSE No! Stay where you are. I mean it. I'll let go. MIKE: So guys, which side are you rooting for? CROW and TOM: ROSE!!!! JACK No you won't. CROW: *ROSE, singing, as if in a musical* Yes I will! TOM: *Same, only as JACK* No you won't. CROW: *again* Yes I will! TOM: *again* No you wont. ROSE What do you mean no I won't? Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do. You don't know me. MIKE: *ROSE* I'm not one of your many toys. JACK You would have done it already. Now come on, take my hand. TOM: *JACK* We're off to Never-Never Land! MIKE: Couldn't resist, Tom? TOM: It was SCREAMING for attention, Mike. CROW: That's what, three musical riffs in a row? Rose is confused now. She can't see him very well through the tears, so she wipes them with one hand, almost losing her balance. ROSE You're distracting me. Go away. CROW: Rose speaks for all of us. JACK I can't. I'm involved now. If you let go I have to jump in after you. ALL: YES!!! ROSE Don't be absurd. You'll be killed. CROW: So…what's the downside here? He takes off his jacket. TOM: *humming "The Stripper"* JACK I'm a good swimmer. MIKE: *JACK* I was top of the class at sinking. He starts unlacing his left shoe. TOM: *pause. Then…* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S LIKE WATCHING SHOWGIRLS ONLY I FEEL SO MUCH DIRTIER!! ROSE The fall alone would kill you. JACK It would hurt. I'm not saying it wouldn't. To be honest I'm a lot more concerned about the water being so cold. MIKE: When committing suicide wouldn't the last thing on your mind be how cold the water is? TOM: It's the mysteries of a mainstream Hollywood script, Mike. You can't help it. She looks down. The reality factor of what she is doing is sinking in. ROSE How cold? CROW: Two words. "Wiccan's Privates" JACK (taking off his left shoe) TOM: Why couldn't THIS part of the script have been "omitted"? Freezing. Maybe a couple degrees over. He starts unlacing his right shoe. MIKE: Oh this is great. Talk the girl off the edge of the ship AND get naked. JACK Ever been to Wisconsin? ROSE (perplexed) No. CROW: Funny, that's the same answer I'd give. JACK Well they have some of the coldest winters around, and I grew up there, near Chippewa Falls. Once when I was a kid me and my father were ice-fishing out on Lake Wissota... ice-fishing's where you chop a hole in the- MIKE: …Grandmother. ROSE I know what ice fishing is! TOM: *ROSE* But I'm not that kind of woman... MIKE: Uh, Tom what are you insinuating? TOM: Umm…nothing Mike, nothing at all. JACK Sorry. Just... you look like kind of an indoor girl. MIKE: Is that his way of saying she's homely? Anyway, I went through some thin ice and I'm tellin' ya, water that cold... like that right down there... it hits you like a thousand knives all over your body. You can't breathe, you can't think... TOM: You can't dance, you can't giggle… least not about anything but the pain. MIKE: *JACK* And the Packers. (takes off his other shoe) TOM: ARRRRRGH!!! THIS STRIPPING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! MOVE OVER, ROSE I'M COMIN' THROUGH! Which is why I'm not looking forward to jumping in after you. But like I said, I don't see a choice. I guess I'm kinda hoping you'll come back over the rail and get me off the hook here. CROW: *JACK* Or not, just a thought. ROSE You're crazy. MIKE: *JACK* No I'm not…YES YOU ARE!…No I'm not…YES YOU ARE! HA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! JACK That's what everybody says. But with all due respect, I'm not the one hanging off the back of a ship. He slides one step closer, like moving up on a spooked horse. CROW: Why didn't he just get naked some more? That seemed to be working okay. JACK Come on. You don't want to do this. Give me your hand. TOM: Yeah! Where in the history books does it say of a person committing suicide the night before the sinking? MIKE: On page 223. TOM: Oh. Rose stares at this madman for a long time. She looks at his eyes and they somehow suddenly seem to fill her universe. MIKE: So Rose gets high off of Madmen, huh? TOM: How exactly does one do that? ROSE Alright. She unfastens one hand from the rail and reaches it around toward him. He reaches out to take it, firmly. CROW: She pulls him with her, they fall over the edge of the ship and drown, the end. JACK I'm Jack Dawson. ALL: We know. ROSE (voice quavering) Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dawson. MIKE: And as unfortunate as it sounds, her heart went on. Rose starts to turn. Now that she has decided to live, the height is terrifying. She is overcome by vertigo as she shifts her footing, turning to face the ship. As she starts to climb, her dress gets in the way, and one foot slips off the edge of the deck. TOM: SUSPENSE! DRAMA! AD NAUSEUM! CROW: Well, one out of three ain't bad. She plunges, letting out a piercing SHRIEK. Jack, gripping her hand, is jerked toward the rail. Rose barely grabs a lower rail with her free hand. QUARTERMASTER ROWE, up on the docking bridge hears the scream and heads for the ladder. TOM: *a pirate* The night makes eerie sounds it does, arrrr. ROSE HELP! HELP!! MIKE: How easy would a Beatles joke be right now? JACK I've got you. I won't let go. CROW: or a Mariah Carey joke. Jack holds her hand with all his strength, MIKE: Which isn't saying much. bracing himself on the railing with his other hand. Rose tries to get some kind of foothold on the smooth hull. Jack tries to lift her bodily over the railing. CROW: Jack's noodle arm then snaps off and Rose plummets to the ocean. She can't get any footing in her dress and evening shoes, and she slips back. Rose SCREAMS again. TOM: *distorted voice* Hello, Rose. Are you ready to DIE??? MIKE: How do you DO that? TOM: It's a gift. Jack, awkwardly clutching Rose by whatever he can get a grip on as she flails, MIKE: Hey Hey HEY! CROW: He's the junior Benny Hill! gets her over the railing. They fall together onto the deck in a tangled heap, spinning in such a way that Jack winds up slightly on top of her. TOM: FAMILY FILM, Cameron! Rowe slides down the ladder from the docking bridge like it's a fire drill and sprints across the fantail. MIKE: A Chinese Fire Drill, oddly enough. ROWE Here, what's all this?! TOM: *60's Batman Announcer* WHAT'S THIS??? DiCaprio and Dame caught Doing Dirty Deeds on Deck of Doomed Dingy? What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow. Same Titanic Time, Same Titanic Channel. Rowe runs up and pulls Jack off of Rose, CROW: RRRRRRRIP! revealing her dishevelled and sobbing on the deck. Her dress is torn, and the hem is pushing up above her knees, showing one ripped stocking. He looks at Jack, the shaggy steerage man with his jacket off, and the first class lady clearly in distress, and starts drawing conclusions. MIKE: They're nude, and wearing a big blue diamond. Two seamen chug across the deck to join them. TOM: *singing* Pardon me, boys…is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo? MIKE and CROW: *singing* Yes, Yes. ROWE (to Jack) Here you, stand back! Don't move an inch! (to the seamen) CROW: *ROWE* You, cluck like a chicken, YOU and YOU….fall in love! Fetch the Master at Arms. TOM: ARF! ARF! MIKE: Good boy. CUT TO: 66 EXT. POOP DECK - NIGHT A few minutes later. CROW: Nothing is still happening. Jack is being detained by the burly MASTER AT ARMS, the closest thing to a cop on board. He is handcuffing Jack. Cal is right in front of Jack, and furious. MIKE: Come again? CROW: Basically they just arrested DiCaprio because they found out Keanu Reeves was supposed to play Jack. ALL: Ahhhh TOM: *Keanu* I'm the king of the world, dude! He has obviously just rushed out here with Lovejoy and another man, MIKE: Hey Cameron! FAMILY FILM, REMEMBER? Leave the gay innuendo for your remake of Planet of the Apes, please. and none of them have coats over their black tie evening dress. TOM: They're wearing evening dresses?? We're on the Transves-titanic. The other man is COLONEL ARCHIBALD GRACIE, a mustachioed blowhard who still has his brandy snifter. He offers it to Rose, who is hunched over crying on a bench nearby, but she waves it away. Cal is more concerned with Jack. He grabs him by the lapels. MIKE: *high falsetto* Thank you, I've always wanted to be a Bee Gee. CAL What made you think you could put your hands on my fiancee?! TOM: *JACK* Uhhhhhhh…Cameron made me do it! Look at me, you filth! What did you think you were doing?! MIKE: *CAL* The Basketball Diaries, GIVE ME A BREAK! ROSE Cal, stop! It was an accident. CAL An accident?! TOM: *Dr. Frank-N-Furter* An ACCIDENT! ROSE It was... stupid really. I was leaning over and I slipped. Rose looks at Jack, getting eye contact. TOM: *Ben Stein* Clear Eyes….Wow. ROSE I was leaning way over, to see the... ah... propellers. And I slipped and I would have gone overboard... ALL: Too late! and Mr. Dawson here saved me and he almost went over himself. MIKE: Whoa. You go, James Van Der Beek! CAL You wanted to see the propellers? CROW: The wonderful propellers of Oz? GRACIE (shaking his head) Women and machinery do not mix. TOM: *GRACIE* However, vodka and shooters do, so let's get back to it. MASTER AT ARMS (to Jack) Was that the way of it? MIKE: *MASTER AT ARMS* The way of the Force? Rose is begging him with her eyes not to say what really happened. JACK Uh huh. That was pretty much it. CROW: *JACK, quietly* Hehehehe. I copped a feel. He looks at Rose a moment longer. Now they have a secret together. MIKE and TOM: *Foppishly * OOOOHHHH, Naughty! COLONEL GRACIE Well! The boy's a hero then. Good for you son, well done! (to Cal) So it's all's well and back to our brandy, eh? CROW: *COLONEL GRACIE* By this time, my lungs were aching for booze! Jack is uncuffed. Cal gets Rose to her feet and moving. MIKE: The preceding was brought to you by the Booze Council…because Booze really satisfies. TOM: Umm, hate to tell you this Mike, but we already did that bit with Joel. CAL (rubbing her arms) Let's get you in. You're freezing. MIKE: *CAL* You're as cold as ice. You're willing to sacrifice our love. Cal is leaving without a second thought for Jack. GRACIE (low) Ah... perhaps a little something for the boy? MIKE: *GRACIE* None of my booze though…please. Seriously. CAL Oh, right. Mr. Lovejoy. A twenty should do it. ROSE Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love? TOM: *OLD ROSE* It was…it really was. CAL Rose is displeased. Mmm... what to do? CROW: *CAL* I know. Naked Twister! Cal turns back to Jack. He appraises him condescendingly... a steerage ruffian, unwashed and ill- mannered. TOM: In other words ... Mike. MIKE: Thanks guys, I really appre…*realizing he's just been insulted*…HEY! CAL I know. (to Jack) Perhaps you could join us for dinner tomorrow, to regale our group with your heroic tale? TOM: *JACK* But my name's not Gail, it's Jack. JACK (looking straight at Rose) Sure. Count me in. CAL Good. Settled then. Cal turns to go, putting a protective arm around Rose. he leans close to Gracie as they walk away. CROW: *GRACIE* Steal your own booze fumes, Hockley! CAL This should be amusing. MIKE: *GRACIE* Hey, I don't talk to YOU when YOU'RE getting slobbered, do I, Cal? JACK (as Lovejoy passes) Can I bum a cigarette? TOM: *LOVEJOY* That depends, can you bark like a dog? Lovejoy smoothly draws a silver cigarette case from his jacket and snaps it open. Jack takes a cigarette, then another, popping it behind his ear for later. Lovejoy lights Jack's cigarette. CROW: Then Jack screams in pain, realizing his face is on fire. LOVEJOY You'll want to tie those. MIKE: *LOVEJOY* Your mother down. (Jack looks at his shoes) TOM: Hey, Bruno Maglis…Wait a second, Jack have you ever been to Brentwood? Interesting that the young lady slipped so mighty all of a sudden and you still had time to take off your jacket and shoes. Mmmm? CROW: *JACK* There's that Crash Dummies song again, what the HELL are the words?? Lovejoy's expression is bland, TOM: As is everyone else in this script. but the eyes are cold. He turns away to join his group. MIKE: Now if you'll excuse me, I must help the Delta Knights. CUT TO: 67 INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT CROW: Or, as it will later be known…."Where The Action Is." Hehehe. As she undresses for bed Rose sees Cal standing in her doorway, reflected in the cracked mirror of her vanity. He comes toward her. TOM: Y'know what? About this time I've given up wondering if this is a family film or not. CAL (unexpectedly tender) MIKE: He's a side of beef now? CROW: BEEF MANCHUCK! I know you've been melancholy, and I don't pretent to know why. TOM: *CAL* Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness…. MIKE: Tom, stop. From behind his back he hands her a large black velvet jewel case. She takes it, numbly. CROW: You know, guys? I'm just going to dismantle myself right now. I mean it. I'm just going to take a screwdriver and take myself apart, just try to stop me…come on…try to stop me… CAL I intended to save this till the engagement gals next week. But I thought tonight, perhaps a reminder of my feeling for you... Rose slowly opens the box. Inside is the necklace... "HEART OF THE OCEAN" in all its glory. It is huge... a malevolent blue stone glittering with an infinity of scalpel-like inner reflections. MIKE: *CAL* Got it on sale from QVC. ROSE My God... Cal. Is it a-- TOM: Plot device? CAL Daimond. Yes it is. 56 carats. He takes the necklace and during the following places it around her throat. He turns her to the mirror, staring behind her. CAL It was once worn by Louis the Sixteenth. They call it Le Coeur de la Mer, the-- ROSE The Heart of the Ocean. Cal, it's... it's overwhelming. He gazes at the image of the two of them in the mirror. MIKE: *CAL* Mother of God I'm adorable. CAL It's for royalty. And we are royalty. CROW: Hmm…Inbred, snooty, hemopheliac, buck-toothed…,my god, they really ARE! His fingers caress her neck and throat. He seems himself to be disarmed by Rose's elegance and beauty. His emotion is, for the first time, unguarded. CAL There's nothing I couldn't give you. There's nothing I'd deny you if you would deny me. Open your heart to me, Rose. MIKE: and by heart I mean bloomers. TOM: Always a good riff, Mike. MIKE: Hey, ya stick with what works, right? CAMERA begins to TRACK IN ON ROSE. Closer and closer, during the following: OLD ROSE (V.O.) Of course his gift was only to reflect light back onto himself, to illuminate the greatness that was Caledon Hockley. It was a cold stone... a heart of ice. TOM: *Joe Chin* I shall put on my magic gloves of glory and go on a cruise to destroy all of you. Finally, when Rose's eyes FILL FRAM, we MORPH SLOWLY to her eyes as the are now... transforming through 84 years of life... MIKE: Hey, the doors are open. CROW: *Cartman* Kickass! *MIKE picks up TOM and all three leave* 6…..5…..4…..3…..2……1….()==() *CROW IS ON THE BRIDGE, STARING AT A PICTURE OF GLORIA STEWART, AND THERE'S A COMPUTER.* CROW: Gloria walks in beauty, like the night… *MIKE AND TOM COME ONSCREEN* TOM: Hey Crow what's going on? CROW: Hey Tom…*LOVING SIGH* MIKE: What's up? CROW: Nothing, Gloria. MIKE: That's fine…did you just call me Gloria? CROW: Yes, Gloria. *loving sigh* TOM: Uh-oh Mike. I recognize that face he makes…Crow's in love. MIKE: Looks like it, someone named Gloria. The only Gloria I know is from the…oh no. *sigh* Crow, what is it with you and old hags? CROW: Don't know, Mike. But I do know that once you go elderly you never go back. Gloria Stewart has aimed her love arrows and hit me straight in the heart. *DEEP SIGH, THEN TURNS TO THE COMPUTER* Check it out. Started my own Gloria Stewart Shrine. Gloria in all her glory...a. *TOM AND MIKE LOOK AT THE COMPUTER* MIKE: Well, it's loading… CROW: Gotta love these nudes… TOM AND MIKE: *JUMPING BACK* GAAAH! TOM: JESUS BUBBA CHRIST!!! MIKE: I need a shower! TOM: Oh God! Now I know what Hell looks like! MIKE: Ugh. We'll be right back. TOM: I'm blind! *MIKE TAPS COMMERCIAL SIGN* *COMMERCIAL* *BACK FROM COMMERCIAL, MIKE AND THE BOTS ARE GOING BACK INTO THE THEATER, THEY SIT DOWN* MIKE: The horror…the horror…still blind, Servo? TOM: Yes, but I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur I see a big light blur. TRANSITION 68 INT. KELDYSH IMAGING SHACK MIKE: For all your Keldysh Imaging needs. Without a cut the wrinkled, weathered landscape of age has appeared around her eyes. But the eyes themselves are the same. TOM: *Old Rose* That was 120 years ago to this day. MIKE: 120 years ago? ALL: 120 years ago. CROW: Gee, that sounds familiar. OLD ROSE After all these years, feel it closing around my throat like a dog collar. TOM: *OLD ROSE* I was KINKY back then, let me tell you. THE CAMERA PULLS BACK to show her whole face. ALL: GAAAH! ROSE I can still feel its weight. If you could have felt it, not just seen it... LOVETT Well, that's the general idea, my dear. TOM: *Goldfinger* And that's the reason why we can't let you live, Mr. Bond. BODINE So let me get this right. You were gonna kill yourself by jumping off the Titanic? (he guffaws) That's great! CROW: *BODINE* It would make a kickass extreme sport! LOVETT (warningly) Lewis... MIKE: *Dr. Forrester* Don't make me kill you again. But Rose laughs with Bodine. TOM: But her brittle body can't take the pressure of a laugh and her ribs shatter. BODINE (still laughing) All you had to do was wait two days! Lovett, standing out of Rose's sightline, checks his watch. Hours have passed. This process is taking too long. LOVETT Rose, tell us more about the diamond. What did Hockley do with it after that? CROW: Shoved it right up her… MIKE: Shut up! ROSE Im afraid I'm feeling a little tired, Mr. Lovett. Lizzy picks up the cue and starts to wheel her out. LOVETT Wait! Can you give us something go on, here. Like who had access to the safe. What about this Lovejoy guy? The valet. Did he have the combination? MIKE: *The Riddler* That's a riddle you'll have to find out for yourself, Batman. LIZZY That's enough. Lizzy takes her out. Rose's old hand reapears at the doorway in a frail wave goodbye. TOM: *Buzzer* MIKE: *British Accent* Start again. CUT TO: 69 EXT. LAUNCH AREA/KELDYSH DECK - DAY As the big hydraulic jib swings one of the Mir subs out over the water. TOM: Bodine doesn't like the cut of it. Lovett walks as he talks with Bobby Buell, the partners' rep. They weave among deck cranes, launch crew, sub maintenance guys. CROW: Y'know, the usual gang of idiots. BUELL The partners are pissed. BROCK Bobby, buy me time. I need time. ALL: *The Isley Brothers* Time! BUELL We're running thirty thousand a day, and we're six days over. I'm telling you what they're telling me. The hand is on the plug. It's starting to pull. CROW: Once it's pulled they start to sink. MIKE: And when they sink.... TOM: That's right! ALL: The End!! BROCK MIKE: Oh, so we're on a first-name basis with this guy now? Well you tell the hand I need another two days! Bobby, Bobby, Bobby... we're close! I smell it. I smell ice. She had the diamond on... now we just have to find out where it wound up. I just gotta work her a bit more. Okay? CROW: Work a 101-year-old woman!? What kind of a twisted sicko are you!? Brock turns and sees Lizzy standing behind him. MIKE: and he turns around again and there's Supertramp, and they're pissed. CROW: And Meat Loaf's having a temper tantrum. She has overheard the past part of his dialogue with Buell. He goes to her and hustles her away from Buell, TOM: *whistling "The Hustle"* toward a quite spot on the deck. BROCK Hey, Lizzy. I need to talk to you for a second. MIKE: *BROCK* Why are you so thin? LIZZY Don't you mean work me? CROW: *BROCK* No, I mean work it, I'm trying out my Divaspeak. BROCK Look, I'm running out of time. I need your help. LIZZY I'm not going to help you browbeat my hundred and one year old grandmother. I came down here to tell you to back off. MIKE: *BROCK* Awww, but that's half the fun! BROCK (with undisguised desperation) Lizzy... you gotta understand something. I've bet it all to find the Heart of the Ocean. I've got all my dough tied up in this thing. My wife even divorced me over this hunt. I need what's locked inside your grandma's memory. CROW: So bring her up here and get the pentothol! (he holds out his hand) You see this? Right here? She looks at his hand, palm up. Empty. Cupped, as if around an imaginary shape. TOM: *BROCK* My testicles are this big! LIZZY What? BROCK That's the shape my hand's gonna be when I hold that thing. You understand? I'm not leaving here without it. CROW: *LIZZY* Sorry, going to have to go back to your other use for it. LIZZY Look, Brock, she's going to do this her way, in her own time. Don't forget, she contacted you. She's out here for her own reasons, God knows what they are. MIKE: *God* Yes I do, what business of it is yours? LOVETT TOM: Oh, so we're back to just Lovett now. Maybe she wants to make peace with the past. CROW: Still getting over that torrid affair with Teddy Roosevelt, I see. LIZZY What past? She has never once, not once, ever said a word about being on the Titanic until two days ago. LOVETT Then we're all meeting your grandmother for the first time. MIKE: Brock Lovett: Porn Scientist… statin' the obvious 24/7. LIZZY (looks at him hard) You think she was really there? LOVETT Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a believer. CROW: *LOVETT* I couldn't leave her if I tried. She was there. TOM: *Londo* At the dawn of the third age of mankind! CUT TO: 70 INT. IMAGING SHACK Bodine starts the tape recorder. Rose is gazing at the screen seeing THE LIVE FEED FROM THE WRECK--SNOOP DOG is moving along the starboard side of the hull, heading aft. The rectangular windows of A deck (forward) march past on the right. ROSE The next day, Saturday, I remember thinking how the sunlight felt. TOM: *OLD ROSE* It burned like a bitch! DISSOLVE TO: 71 EXT. B DECK TITANIC - DAY MATCH DISSOLVE from the rusting hulk to the gleaming new Titanic in 1912, passing the end of the enclosed promenade just as Rose walks into the sunlight right in front of us. She is stunningly dressed and walking with purpose. OLD ROSE (V.O.) As if I hadn't felt the sun in years. IT IS SATURDAY APRIL 13, 1912. Rose unlatches the gate to go down into third class. The steerage men on the deck stop what they're doing and stare at her. CUT TO: 72 INT. THIRD CLASS GENERAL ROOM The social center of steerage life. It is stark by comparison to the opulence of first class, but is a loud, boisterous place. There are mothers with babies, kids running between the benches yelling in several languages and being scolded in several more. There are old women yelling, men playing chess, girls doing needlepoint and reading dime novels. There is even an upright piano and Tommy Ryan is noodling around it. ALL: Hey! Three boys, shrieking and shouting, are scrambling around chasing a rat under the benches, trying to whomp it with a shoe and causing general havoc. Jack is playing with 5 year old CORA CARTMELL, ALL: HEY! drawing funny faces together in his sketchbook. Fabrizio is struggling to get a conversation going with an attractive Norwegian girl, HELGA DAHL, sitting with her family at a table across the room. CROW: How come I sense no language barrier between these two? TOM: Or personality barrier… FABRIZIO No Italian? Some little English? HELGA No, no. Norwegian. Only. MIKE: Hey that WAS English! Helga's eye is caught by something. CROW: A fish hook. Fabrizio looks, does a take... and Jack, curious, follows their gaze to see... Rose, coming toward them. The activity in the room stops... a hush falls. Rose feels suddenly self-conscious as the steerage passengers stare openly at this princess, some with resentment, others with awe. She spots Jack and gives a little smile, walking straight to him. He rises to meet her, smiling. ROSE Hello Jack. MIKE: *Humphrey Bogart* Of all the steerage decks on all the doomed ocean liners in the world, why'd ya have to come walking into mine? Fabrizio and Tommy are floored. It's like the slipper fitting Cinderella. TOM: And suddenly we're in "Ever After". JACK Hello again. ROSE Could I speak to you in private? Tom: *Bouncing up and down* Naked Painting! Naked Painting! Mike: In due time Tom! In due time! JACK Uh, yes. Of course. After you. He motions her ahead and follows. Jack glances over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised, ALL: THE PEOPLE'S EYEBROW! as he walks out with her leaving a stunned silence. MIKE: *ROSE* That'll teach ya to mess with me, silence! CUT TO: 73 EXT. BOAT DECK - DAY Jack and Rose walk side by side. They pass people reading and talking in steamer chairs, CROW: Oh, that must've hurt. TOM and MIKE: CROW! some of whom glance curiously at the mismatched couple. He feels out of place in his rough clothes. They are both awkward, for different reasons. JACK So, you got a name by the way? TOM: *ROSE* Call me Easy. ROSE Rose. Rose DeWitt Bukater. JACK That's quite a moniker. I may hafta get you to write that down. MIKE: *JACK* I mean it, seriously. There is an awkward pause. CROW: Maalox Moment. ROSE Mr. Dawson, I-- JACK Jack. ROSE Jack... I feel like such an idiot. It took me all morning to get up the nerve to face you. TOM: *singing* Da Noive CROW: *singing*A Brain MIKE: *singing* A Heart TOM: *singing* Da Bears JACK Well, here you are. ROSE Here I am. I... I want to thank you for what you did. CROW: *ROSE* Getting naked and stuff. Not just for... for pulling me back. But for your discretion. JACK You're welcome. Rose. ROSE Look, I know what you must be thinking! Poor little rich girl. What does she know about misery? MIKE: *JACK* No, actually I was thinking why hot dogs can never fit the bun right. Hope ya don't mind. JACK That's not what I was thinking. What I was thinking was... TOM:…how much crap could a DiCaprio crap if a DiCaprio could crap crap? what could have happened to hurt this girl so much she though she had no way out. MIKE: Starring Kevin Costner. ROSE I don't... it wasn't just one thing. It was everything. It was them, it was their whole world. And I was trapped in it, like an insect in amber. CROW: They're not gonna start talking about dinosaur cloning, are they? (in a rush) I just had to get away... just run and run and run... and then I was at the back rail and there was no more ship... even the Titanic wasn't big enough. Not enough to get away from them. TOM: Okay, she's talking about giant ants, right? And before I'd really though about it, I was over the rail. I was so furious. I'll show them. They'll be sorry! JACK Uh huh. They'll be sorry. 'Course you'll be dead. MIKE: Another philosophical musing from our hero, ladies and gentlemen. ROSE (she lowers her head) Oh God, I am such an utter fool. JACK That penguin last night, is he one of them? MIKE: Burgess Merideth? ROSE Penguin? Oh, Cal! He is them. CROW: I fail to understand how a single person can be referred to as "Them". MIKE: Crow, you're thinking. JACK Is he your boyfriend? ROSE Worse I'm afraid. TOM: *ROSE* He's my lawyer. She shows him her engagement ring. A sizable diamond. JACK Gawd look at that thing! You would have gone straight to the bottom. MIKE: The route Cameron took when writing this very scene. They laugh together. A passing steward scowls at Jack, who is clearly not a first class passenger, CROW: or actor… but Rose just glares at him away. JACK So you feel like you're stuck on a train you can't get off 'cause you're marryin' this fella. MIKE: *JACK* I'm gonna talk like Gabby Hayes from here on out, is that okay? ROSE Yes, exactly! JACK So don't marry him. TOM: Quit with the philosophy, Leo! You're scaring us. ROSE If only it were that simple. JACK It is that simple. MIKE: Jeez, he's practically a Vorlon! ROSE Oh, Jack... please don't judge me until you've seen my world. TOM: Uranus? CROW: He will during the car scene! MIKE: Now, you two…. JACK Well, I guess I will tonight. Looking for another topic, any other topic, TOM: *ROSE* So, you like hockey? she indicates his sketchbook. CROW: He should have a bumper sticker on that sketchbook that reads "How's my drawing? Call 1-800-EAT-SH…" MIKE: Finish that sentence and die, Crow! ROSE What's this? TOM: *JACK* Just the Necronomicon. Why? JACK Just some sketches. ROSE May I? The question is rhetorical because she has already grabbed the book. She sits on a deck chair and opens the sketchbook. MIKE: *ROSE* Jack, you really suck! ON JACK'S sketches... CROW: …mysterious stains. each one an expressive little bit of humanity: an old woman's hands, a sleeping man, a father and daughter at the rail. The faces are luminous and alive. His book is a celebration of the human condition. MIKE: *singing* Ce-le-brate human condition, COME ON! ROSE Jack, these are quite good! Really, they are. TOM: This from a woman who buys paintings titled "Polar Bear in a Blizzard" if you know what I mean. JACK Well, they didn't think too much of 'em in Paree. CROW: Of course not! You're talking about a people that still falls off their seats watching "Cinderfella"! Some loose sketches fall out and are taken by the wind. Jack scrambles after them... catching two, but the rest are gone, over the rail. MIKE: Get naked and go chasing after THOSE, DiCaprio. ROSE Oh no! Oh, I'm so sorry. Truly! TOM: *ROSE* No I'm not, You lost your sucky drawings, ha-ha! JACK Well, they didn't think too much of 'em in Paree. CROW: *JACK* Sorry, Temporal Causality Loop there, for a minute. I'm cool now. He snaps his wrist, TOM: *JACK* AAAAH! IT'S BROKEN! shaking his drawing hand in a flourish. JACK I just seem to spew 'em out. MIKE: Oh, vomit. That would describe the drawings PERFECTLY! Besides, they're not worth a damn anyway. For emphasis he throws away the two he caught. They sail off. MIKE: That's a good boy. Now throw the rest of your crappy drawings away and get a real job. ROSE (laughing) You're deranged! MIKE: *insane* I know. MWU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She goes back to the book, turning a page. TOM: *ROSE* Jack, who's Cthulu? ROSE Well, well... CROW: If it isn't the Dover boys, late as usual. She has come upon a series of nudes. Rose is transfixed by the languid beauty he has created. MIKE: That must hurt. His nudes are soulful, real, TOM: Naked. with expressive hands and eyes. They feel more like portraits than studies of the human form... MKE: That's what portraits ARE. almost uncomfortably intimate. Rose blushes, raising the book as some strollers go by. ROSE (trying to be very adult) And these were drawn from life? TOM: *JACK* Nah, These are just my interpertations of what Mr. Peanut SHOULD look like. JACK Yup. That's one of the great things about Paris. Lots of girls willing take their clothes off. MIKE: Now if he has to say that, then he's obviously never been! She studies one drawing in particular, the girl posed half in sunlight, half in shadow. Her hands lie at her chin, one furled and one open like a flower, languid and graceful. The drawing is like an Alfred Steiglitz print of Georgia O'Keefe. MIKE: More like an Andy Rooney print of Jean Stapleton. ROSE You liked this woman. You used her several times. CROW: *JACK* Well it was ecologically sound. JACK She had beautiful hands. TOM: All the better to EAT YOU WITH!!! MIKE: That made absolutely no sense. ROSE (smiling) I think you must have had a love affair with her... JACK (laughing) No, no! Just with her hands. She was a one-legged prostitute. ALL: EWWWWW! ROSE (looking up from the drawings) You have a gift, Jack. You do. You see people. MIKE: They're called "eyes", Rose. JACK I see you. There it is. That piercing gaze again. TOM: Those snakes jutting out of his skull… ROSE And...? JACK You wouldn'ta jumped. CROW: *JACK* You would have danced. CUT TO: 74 INT. RECEPTION ROOM / D-DECK - DAY Ruth is having tea with NOEL LUCY MARTHA DYER-EDWARDES, the COUNTESS OF ROTHES, a 35ish English blue-blood with patirician features. TOM: Is she a woman or a car? Ruth sees someone coming across the room and lowers her voice. RUTH Oh no, that vulgar Brown woman is coming this way. Get up, quickly before she sits with us. TOM: Racists! MIKE: Tom, this is 1912! Of course they're racist! TOM: You racist! Molly Brown walks up, greeting them cheerfully as they are rising. MOLLY Hello girls, I was hoping I'd catch you at tea. RUTH We're awfully sorry you missed it. The Countess and I are just off to take the air on the boat deck. CROW: *MOLLY* Where ya gonna take it? MOLLY That sounds great. Let's go. I need to catch up on the gossip. TOM: *MOLLY* So I can bludgeon it unmercifully for the sheer spite of doing so. Ruth grits her teeth as the three of them head for the Grand Staircase to go up. TRACKING WITH THEM, as they cross the room, the SHOT HANDS OFF to Bruce Ismay and Captain Smith at another table. MIKE: And Bruce has the shot, he's going past the 30, the 20, the 10, TOUCHDOWN! ISMAY So you've not lit the last four boilers then? TOM: The time is now 4:20. Please synchronize your watches. SMITH No, but we're making excellent time. ISMAY (impatiently) Captain, the press knows the size of Titanic, let them marvel at her speed too. We must give them something new to print. And the maiden voyage of Titnaic must make MIKE: *Ismay* A SMASH at the box office...no, a HIT...No...How can I avoid crashing this...D'oh! headlines! SMITH I prefer not to push the engines until they've been properly run in. TOM: *SMITH* You know, like into a big chunk of ice or something. ISMAY Of course I leave it to your good offices to decide what's best, but what a glorious end to your last crossing if we get into New York Tuesday night and surprise them all. (Ismay slaps his hand on the table) CROW: *ISMAY* Ow. Medic? Retire with a bang, eh, E.J? MIKE: *SMITH* I swear if you call me E.J. again I'll tie you to the anchor and throw you overboard. A beat. Then Smith nods, stiffy. CROW: I knew the Captain was excited to be on Titanic but not THIS excited! CUT TO: 75 EXT. A DECK PROMENADE - DAY Rose and Jack stroll aft, past people lounging on deck chairs in the slanting late-afternoon light. Stewards scurry to serve tea or hot cocoa. TOM: Whichever will scald more when dropped on the patron's lap. ROSE (girlish and excited) You know, my dream has always been to just chuck it all and become an artist... living in a garret, poor but free! TOM: Girlish and excited? CROW: So Rose was a man all along? MIKE: I admit, that does explain a few things. JACK (laughing) You wouldn't last two days. There's no hot water, and hardly ever any caviar. TOM: *JACK* No phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. ROSE (angry in a flash) ALL: *singing* AH-AH! CAN HE SAVE EVERY ONE OF US?? Listen, buster... I hate caviar! And I'm tired of people dismissing my dreams with a chuckle and a pat on the head. CROW: *ROSE* But the dog food is good. JACK I'm sorry. Really... I am. MIKE: *Olivia D'Havilland* Reahlly ah am. ROSE Well, alright. There's something in me, Jack. I feel it. TOM: That's just the crab you had last night, don't worry about it. I don't know what it is, whether I should be an artist, or, I don't know... a dancer. Like Isadora Duncan.... CROW: Or that chick from Showgirls…. a wild pagan spirit... TOM: *ROSE* Y'know, sacrifice a goat to the unholy dark lord who giveth eternal power. That sort of thing. She leaps forward, lands deftly and whirls like a dervish. MIKE: *puts his finger to his head and twirls it around* Coo-coo, coo-coo! CROW: I bet Jack really misses that one-legged hooker about now. Then she sees something ahead and her face lights up. TOM: Rose, she sings, she dances, SHE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS! ROSE ...or a moving picture actress! She takes his hand and runs, pulling him along the deck toward-- CROW: The railing, pushing him over. He drowns! The end DANIEL AND MARY MARVIN. Daniel is cranking the big wooden movie camera as she poses stiffly at the rail. MIKE: *MARY, mumbling* No, seriously, I'm stuck in this position, help me out here will ya? MARVIN You're sad. Sad, sad, sad. TOM: *Marvin the Martian* I'm going to blow up the Earth. MIKE: Wrong Marvin, Tom. You've left your lover on the shore. You may never see him agian. Try to be sadder, darling. CROW: *gunshot noise* SUDDENLY Rose shoots into the shot and strikes a theatrical pose at the rail next to Mary. Mary bursts out laughing. Rose pulls Jack into the picture and makes him pose. MIKE: If that's Playgirl, he's gonna be seriously pissed off. Marvin grins and starts yelling and gesturing. TOM: Hey, right back at ya, pal! We see this in CUTS, with music and no dialogue. MIKE: And this makes the film better, how? SERIES OF CUTS: CROW: Starring O.J. Simpson. Rose posing tragically at the rail, the back of her hand to her forehead. MIKE: Uh-huh...minus 5 for overacting...YOU'RE LOSING POINTS HERE, SCRIPT!!! Jack on a deck chair, pretending to be a Pasha, the two girls pantomiming fanning him like slave girls. TOM: That deserves to be stripped of two points. MIKE: Why? TOM: Because those aren't OUR slave girls! MIKE and CROW: Ummmm... TOM: *sobbing* I'M SO PATHETIC! Jack, on his knees, pleading with his hands clasped while Rose, standing, turns her head in bored disdain. TOM: *singing* Bring him Home... CROW: Les Mis rip-off, Minus 4 points... Rose cranking the camera, while Daniel and Jack have a western shoot-out. Jack wins and leers into the lens, twirling an air mustache like Snidely Whiplash. MIKE: The Quick and The Dumb. CUT TO: 76 EXT. A DECK PROMENADE / AFT - SUNSET Painted with orange light, Jack and Rose lean on the A-deck rail aft, shoulder to shoulder. The ship's lights come on. CROW: *makes siren noises* TOM: ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! *shouting in German* It is a magical moment... perfect. CROW:...for me to POOP ON! ROSE So then what, Mr. Wandering Jack? TOM: *JACK* Umm….we wander? JACK Well, then logging got to be too much like work, so I went down to Los Angelas to the pier in Santa Monica. ALL: Ugh! MIKE: Thanks Cameron, like we needed THAT image! That's a swell place, they even have a rollercoaster. I sketched portraits there for ten cents a piece. TOM: While riding on the roller-coaster. CROW: No wonder his art sucks! ROSE A whole ten cents?! JACK (not getting it) Yeah; it was great money... I could make a dollar a day, sometimes. But only in summer. When it got cold, I decided to go to Paris and see what the real artists were doing. MIKE: He's kinda dense. TOM: So's the movie. CROW So's someone else here. MIKE and TOM: *Turning to CROW* Who? ROSE (looks at the dusk sky) Why can't I be like you Jack? MIKE: *ROSE* Pubescent and noodly. Just head out for the horizon whenever I feel like it. (turning to him) Say we'll go there, sometime... to that pier... even if we only ever just talk about it. TOM: *JACK* Umm..what was that? I wasn't paying attention. JACK Alright, we're going. We'll drink cheap beer and go on the rollercoaster until we throw up and we'll ride horses on the beach... right in the surf... but you have to ride like a cowboy, none of that side- saddle stuff. MIKE: *ROSE* You sad little man. ROSE You mean one leg on each side? Scandalous! Can you show me? CROW: *JACK* Sure, as long as you don't kick and buck too much. JACK Sure. If you like. MIKE: Well we sure don't. ROSE (smiling at him) I think I would. (she looks at the horizon) And teach me to spit too. Like a man. Why should only men be able to spit. It's unfair. TOM: *JACK* Well, look at you! You're able to wear a DRESS for crying out loud! JACK They didn't teach you that in finishing school? Here, it's easy. Watch closely. MIKE: You watch, we'll look away. He spits. It arcs out over the water. TOM: However, he does it INTO the wind and well… you know physics. JACK Your turn. MIKE: I pass. TOM: Me, too. CROW: I only wish I could spit. Rose screws up her mouth and spits. A pathetic little bit of foamy spittle which mostly runs down her chin before falling off into the water. MIKE: Well… there goes my appetite. JACK Nope, that was pitiful. Here, like this... you hawk it down... HHHNNNK!... then roll it on your tongue, up to the front, like thith, then a big breath and PLOOOW!! You see the range on that thing? TOM: Augh! CROW: Is the door open? Tell me the door's open… *he looks to his right* Damn! She goes through the steps. Hawks it down, etc. He coaches her through it (ad lib) while doing the steps himself. She lets fly. So does he. Two comets of gob fly out over the water. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, a scene this script could do without. JACK That was great! Rose turns to him, her face alight. Suddenly she blanches. TOM: She turns into Rue McClanahan? Weird! He sees her expression and turns. RUTH, the Countess of Rothes, and Molly Brown have been watching them hawking lugees. Rose becomes instantly composed. ROSE Mother, may I introduce Jack Dawson. MIKE: As Jack continues hawking loogies over the side, desperately trying to hit but completely missing the water. RUTH Charmed, I'm sure. TOM: *RUTH* You call that a spit missile? Jack has a little spit running down his chin. He doesn't know it. CROW: We've replaced Jack's regular saliva with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if he notices the difference. Molly Brown is grinning. As Rose proceeds with the introductions, we hear... MIKE: The 20th Century Fox theme! OLD ROSE (V.O.) The others were gracious and curious about the man who'd saved my life. But my mother looked at him like an insect. A dangerous insect which must be squashed quickly. TOM: But can you blame her, though? MOLLY Well, Jack, it sounds like you're a good man to have around in a sticky spot-- *MIKE looks at CROW* CROW: What. What? MIKE: Nothing, nevermind. They all jump as a BUGLER sounds the meal call right behind them. MOLLY Why do they insist on always announcing dinner like a damn cavalry charge? CROW: *ROSE* To keep the Indians from flanking the salad bar, why? ROSE Shall we go dress, mother? TOM: Ya mean they're naked? (over her shoulder) See you at dinner, Jack. ALL: *make headhunter drum noises* RUTH (as they walk away) Rose, look at you... out in the sun with no hat. Honestly! MIKE: *RUTH* Without your hat you'll spontaneously combust. You know you have that problem, don't you? The Countess exits with Ruth and Rose, leaving Jack and Molly alone on deck. MOLLY Son, do you have the slightest comprehension of what you're doing? TOM: said his agent… JACK Not really. MOLLY Well, you're about to go into the snakepit. I hope you're ready. What are you planning to wear? MIKE: *JACK* A chicken outfit! Jack looks down at his clothes. Back up at her. He hadn't thought about that. TOM: So they WERE Naked! CROW: Great! I'll be spending a week washing my eyes out with bleach! MOLLY I figured. CUT TO: 77 INT. MOLLY BROWN'S STATEROOM Men's suits and jackets and formal wear are strewn all over the place. Molly is having a fine time. TOM: Doing what with the formal wear we don't want to know. Jack is dressed, except for his jacket, and Molly is tying his bow tie. CROW: Very VERY tight, I hope. MOLLY Don't feel bad about it. My husband still can't tie one of these damn things after 20 years. There you go. MIKE: *JACK* But Mrs. Brown, this is a noose! TOM: Still, she's got a lovely daughter. She picks up a jacket off the bed and hands it to him. Jack goes into the bathroom to put it on. Molly starts picking up the stuff off the bed. MOLLY I gotta buy everything in three sizes 'cause I never know how much he's been eating while I'm away. CROW: Kinda like leaving Shaggy and Scooby in the Mystery Machine with a refrigerator, huh? She turns and sees him, though we don't. MOLLY My, my, my... you shine up like a new penny. TOM: It should be more like "you're as worthless as Monopoly Money". CUT TO: 78 EXT. BOAT DECK / FIRST CLASS ENTRANCE - DUSK A purple sky, shot with orange, in the west. Drifting strains of classic music. We TRACK WITH JACK along the deck. By Edwardian standards he looks badass. MIKE: But by our standards, a weenie. Dashing in his borrowed white-tie outfit, right down to his pearl studs. CROW: Eek, he's Pat Boone! A steward bows and smartly opens the door to the First Class Entrance. STEWARD Good evening, sir. Jack plays the role smoothly. Nods with just the right degree of disdain. CROW: Ya know I just thought of something. MIKE: What Crow? CROW: This is kinda like watching "The Poseidon Adventure", only upside-down. TOM: Uh, yeah... 79 INT. UPPER LANDING / GRAND STAIRCASE AND A-DECK Jack steps in and his breath is taken away by the splendor spread out before him. Overhead is the enormous glass dome, with a crystal chandelier at its center. Sweeping down six stories is the First Class Grand Staircase, the epitome of the opulent naval architecture of the time. CROW: I SWEAR I'll kill myself if a teapot with Angela Lansbury's voice starts singing! And the people: the women in their floor length dresses, elaborate hairstyles and abundant jewelry... the gentlemen in evening dress, standing with one hand at the small of the back, talking quietly. Jack descends to A deck. Several men nod a perfunctory greeting. He nods back, keeping it simple. He feels like a spy. *CROW and TOM starts humming the theme to "Get Smart"* MIKE: Why "Get Smart" TOM: Because that's what we think this guy needs to do! Cal comes down the stairs, with Ruth on his arm, covered in jewelry. They both walk right past Jack, neither one gecognizeing him. CROW: Is "Gecognizing" anything close to resembling an Anal probe? Cal nods at him, one gent to another. But Jack barely has time to be amused. Because just behind Cal and Ruth on the stairs is Rose, MIKE: Wielding an axe… a vision in red and black, ALL: Wolfpac! her low-cut dress showing off her neck and shoulders, her arms seathed in white gloves that come well above above the elbow. Jack is hypnotized by her beauty. TOM: *bored* Sleep. CLOSE ON ROSE as she approaches Jack. He imitates the gentlemen's stance, hand behind his back. She extends her gloved hand and he takes it, kissing the back of her fingers. CROW: *munching noises* MIKE: *CAL* Mr. Dawson, would you please stop eating my fiancée. Rose flushes, beaming noticeably. She can't take her eyes off him. CROW: Her heat vision turns Jack into a puddle of glop. The End. JACK I saw that in a nickelodeon once, and I always wanted to do it. MIKE: *JACK* Saw it in a "Keenan and Kel" marathon. ROSE Cal, surely you remember Mr. Dawson. TOM: *CAL* Oh yes, the naked noodle. How are you, Jack? CAL (caught off guard) Dawson! I didn't recognize you. (studies him) CROW: There will be a test later. Amazing! You could almost pass for a gentlemen. CUT TO: 80 INT. D-DECK RECEPTION ROOM CUT TO THE RECEPTION ROOM ON D DECK, as the party descends to dinner. They encounter Molly Brown, looking good in a beaded dress, in her own busty broad-shouldered way. Molly grins when she sees Jack. As they are going into the dining saloon she walks next to him, speaking low: CROW: *Spy-like* The Raven flies at midnight, repeat, the raven flies at midnight. MOLLY Ain't nothin' to it, is there, Jack? TOM: *Terry Jones* What exactly are you insinuating? JACK Yeah, you just dress like a pallbearer and keep your nose up. MIKE: So if ya sneeze you can shoot down low-flying planes. MOLLY Remember, the only thing they respect is money, so just act like you've got a lot of it and you're in the club. CROW: Country Club? TOM: 700 Club? MIKE: Hair Club for Men? As they enter the swirling throng, CROW: Swirling THONG!? MIKE: Throng, Crow, Throng!!! Rose leans close to him, pointing out several notables. TOM: *John Cleese* and now...more naughty bits. ROSE There's the Countess Rothes. And that's John Jacob Astor... the richest man on the ship. His little wifey there, Madeleine, is my age and in a delicate condition. See how she's trying to hide it. Quite the scandal. CROW: *ROSE* She once tried to steal my shoes, God knows why. (nodding toward a couple) And over there, that's Sir Cosmo and Lucile, Lady Duff-Gordon. She designs naughty lingerie, among her many talents. Very popular with the royals. MIKE: *ROSE* Garter belts won't help them make it to the World Series this year...AGAIN! Cal becomes engrossed in a conversations with Cosmo Duff-Gordon and Colonel Gracie, while Ruth, the Countess and Lucille discuss fashion. Rose picots Jack smoothly, CROW: That HAD to tickle. to show him another couple, dressed impeccably. TOM: Impeccably STUPID! ROSE And that's Benjamin Guggenheim and his mistress, Madame Aubert. Mrs. Guggenheim is at home with the children, of course. MIKE: A lucky survivor of the Titanic. Cal, meanwhile, is accepting the praise of his male counterparts, ALL: *non-committal* You da man. who are looking at Rose like a prize show horse. TOM: *whinnies* SIR COSMO Hockley, she is splendid. CAL Thank you. MIKE: Funny, that would have been MY reaction. GRACIE Cal's a lucky man. I know him well, and it can only be luck. TOM: But let's not rule out the black market. Ruth steps over, hearing the last. She takes Cal's arm, somewhat coquettishly. CROW: ...and rips it off! Fatality! MIKE: More like Banality. RUTH How can you say that Colonel? Caledon Hockley is a great catch. CROW: For a prison bitch, sure! The entourage strolls toward the dining saloon, where they run into the Astor's going through the ornate double doors. ALL: *entourage* Sorry, Astor! ROSE J.J., Madeleine, I'd like you to meet Jack Dawson. TOM: Dyno-MITE! ASTOR (shaking his hand) Good to meet you Jack. Are you of the Boston Dawsons? CROW: *JACK* No, I'm a minor. JACK No, the Chippewa Falls Dawsons, actually. J.J. nods as if he's heard of them, then looks puzzled. Madeleine Astor appraises Jack and whispers girlishly to Rose: MIKE: *MADELIENE* Wanna see my appendix scar? MADELEINE It's a pity we're both spoken for, isn't it? TOM: They talk? CUT TO: 81 INT. DINING SALOON Like a ballroom at the palace, alive and lit by a constellation of chandeliers, full of elegantly dressed people and beautiful music from BANDLEADER WALLACE HARTLEY'S small orchestra. ALL: Play some Skynyrd! As Rose and Jack enter and move across the room to their table, Cal and Ruth beside them, we hear... OLD ROSE (V.O.) He must have been nervous but he never faltered. They assumed he was one of them... a young captain of industry perhaps... new money, obviously, but still a memeber of the club. Mother of course, could always be counted upon... TOM: Oh come on! I was reading that! CUT TO: 82 INT. DINING SALOON CLOSE ON RUTH. RUTH Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Mr. Dawson. I hear they're quite good on this ship. WIDER: THE TABLE. Jack is seated opposite Rose, who is flanked by Cal and Thomas Andrews. Also at the table are Molly Brown, Ismay, Colonel Gracie, the Countess, Guggenheim, Madame Aubert, and the Astors. CROW: *singing* AAAAAAAA...VERY merry un-birthday... MIKE: To me? TOM: To you! JACK The best I've seen, m'am. Hardly any rats. Rose motions surreptitiously for Jack to take his napkin off his plate. TOM: The penalty is death. CAL Mr. Dawson is joining us from third class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night. (to Jack, as if to a child) This is foie gras. It's goose liver. MIKE: *CAL* Now that you've lost your lunch, may I have your foie gras? We see whispers exchanged. Jack becomes the subject of furtive glances. Now they're all feeling terribly liberal and dangerous. GUGGENHEIM (low to Madame Aubert) What is Hockley hoping to prove, bringing this... bohemian... up here? WAITER (to Jack) How do you take your caviar, sir? TOM: *JACK* In the nude. CAL (answering for him) Just a soupcon of lemon... MIKE: *CAL* Helps the medicine go down. (to Jack, smiling) ...it improves the flavor with champagne. JACK (to the waiter) No caviar for me, thanks. CROW: *JACK* I don't eat crap. (to Cal) Never did like it much. He looks at Rose, pokerfaced, and she smiles. TOM: *ROSE* Full house, read 'em and weep. RUTH And where exactly do you live, Mr. Dawson? JACK Well, right now my address is the RMS Titanic. After that, I'm on God's good humor. MIKE: And what a sick type of humor it is. Salad is served. Jack reaches for the fish fork. Rose gives him a look and picks up the salad fork, prompting him with her eyes. He changes forks. ALL: *as if watching a magic trick* Ooooooh! Ahhhhh! RUTH You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you? JACK Well... it's a big world, and I want to see it all before I go. My father was always talkin' about goin' to see the ocean. MIKE: *JACK* Of course, he was a loony. He died in the town he was born in, and never did see it. You can't wait around, because you never know what hand you're going to get dealt next. ALL: GIN! See, my folks died in a fire when I was fifteen, and I've been on the road since. Somethin' like that teaches you to take life as it comes at you. To make each day count. Molly Brown raises her glass in a salute. TOM: Strangely enough, a 21 gun salute. MOLLY Well said, Jack. COLONEL GRACIE (raising his glass) CROW: *GRACIE* To booze! Here, here. Rose raises her glass, looking at Jack. ROSE To making it count. Ruth, annoyed that Jack has scored a point, MIKE: Back-handed, in the paint, nothin' but net. presses him further ALL: DE-FENSE! MIKE: *clap clap* ALL: DE-FENSE! MIKE: *clap clap* RUTH How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Dawson? JACK I work my way from place to place. Tramp steamers and such. I won my ticket on Titanic here in a lucky hand at poker. (he glances at Rose) A very lucky hand. CROW: A very VERY lucky hand. TOM: A very very VERY lucky hand CROW: A very very very VERY... MIKE: Okay, enough. GRACIE All life is a game of luck. TOM: *GRACIE* I'm drunk and I love it! CAL A real man makes his own luck, Archie. MIKE: *GRACIE* Shut up, Hockley, nobody likes you. COULD WE HAVE MORE BOOZE OVER HERE? Rose notices that Thomas Andrews, sitting next to her, is writing in his notebook, completely ignoring the conversation. CROW: *ROSE* Thomas Andrews, sitting next to me is writing in his notebook, completely ignoring the conversation. ROSE Mr. Andrews, what are you doing? I see you everywhere writing in this little book. (grabs it and reads) MIKE: *ROSE* Those kids will pay fer stealin' me Lucky Charms...huh? Increase number of screws in hat hooks from 2 to 3. You build the biggest ship in the world and this preoccupies you?! Andrews smiles sheepishly. TOM: Presenting, the nerd of our story. ISMAY He knows every rivet in her, don't you Thomas? ANDREWS All three million of them. CROW: *ANDREWS* Boy DO I! MIKE: Crow, she's a SHIP! ISMAY His blood and soul are in the ship. She may be mine on paper, but in the eyes of God she belongs to Thomas Andrews. TOM: And his delicious english muffins, with all those nooks and crannies.... ROSE Your ship is a wonder, Mr. Andrews. Truly. ANDREWS Thank you, Rose. We see that Andrews has come under Rose's spell. CROW: In unison? ALL: SLEEEEEP!! 83 TIME TRANSITION: Dessert has been served and a waiter arrives with cigars in a humidor on a wheeled cart. The men start clipping ends and lighting. TOM: I thought that was rude to do in public. ROSE (low, to Jack) Nest it'll be brandies in the Smoking Room. CROW: *GRACIE* Kegger! Whoo-hoo! GRACIE (rising) Well, join me for a brandy, gentlemen? ROSE (low) Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe. TOM: *GRACIE* Come, Battlecat. We have to do battle with Skeletor! GRACIE Joining us, Dawson? You don't want to stay out here with the women, do you? MIKE: *GRACIE, invitingly* We got boo-ooze….. Actually he does, but... JACK No thanks. I'm heading back. TOM: TO THE FUTURE! CAL Probably best. It'll be all business and politics, that sort of thing. Wouldn't interest you. Good of you to come. MIKE: *CAL* Better of you to go. Buh-bye. Cal and the other gentlemen exit. CROW: Single-file, over the railing, they drown, the end. MIKE: That's twice you've made a remark like that. CROW: Talk to me when it gets stale! ROSE Jack, must you go? JACK Time for my coach to turn back into a pumpkin. MIKE: And for Jack to turn back into a rat. TOM: And Rose back into an old prune. ALL: And for EVERYBODY ELSE to turn back into corpses! He leans over to take her hand. MIKE: But instead continues to lean over to pick up his comb. INSERT: We see him slip a tiny folded note into her palm. Ruth, scowling, watches him walk away across the enormous room. Rose surreptitiously opens the note below table level. It reads: "Make it count. Meet me at the clock". MIKE: Any clock'll do...Got a wristwatch? CUT TO: 84 INT. A-DECK FOYER-NIGHT Rose crosses the A-Deck foyer, sighting Jack at the landing above. Overhead is the crystal dome. TOM: Jack's beyond it. CROW: I wish he were below it, having fallen and crushed him. Jack has his back to her, studying the ornate clock with its carved figures of Honor and Glory. It softly strikes the hour. MIKE: Across the head, with a blunt object. MOVING WITH ROSE as she goes up the sweeping staircase toward him. He turns, sees her... smiles. JACK Want to go to a real party? CROW: *JACK* We got Twizzlers and Booze! TOM: *GRACIE* REALLY??? CROW: *JACK* You're not invited, Colonel. TOM: *GRACIE* Aww... CUT TO: 85 INT. THIRD CLASS GENERAL ROOM Crow led and alive with music, laughter and raucous carrying on. An ad hoc band is gathered near the upright piano, honking out lively stomping music on fiddle, accordion and tambourine. MIKE: I protest, those instruments do NOT honk! People of all ages are dancing, drinking beer and wine, smoking, laughing, even brawling. CROW: Oh, so we're watching Raw is War! Tommy hands Rose a pint of stout and she hoists it. Jack meanwhile dances with 5 year old Cora Cartmell, or tries to, with her standing on his feet. As the tune ends, Rose leans down to the little girl. MIKE: *ROSE* Get away from my man, you bitch! ROSE May I cut in, miss? JACK You're still my best girl, Cora. CROW: *CORA* Yeah, whatever you pimp. Cora scampers off. Rose and Jack face each other. MIKE: *JACK* So it's down to just you and me then? There can be only one! She is trembling as he takes her right hand in his left. His other hand slides to the small of her back. It is an electrifying moment. TOM: *The Rock* The most ELECTRIFYING moment in sports-entertainment today! MIKE: Okay, guys from now on your Monday night television is limited to Ally McBeal. I'm serious. ROSE I don't know the steps. JACK Just move with me. Don't think. CROW: Nobody's done that so far, should be a cinch! The music starts and they are off. A little awkward at first, she starts to get into it. She grins at Jack as she starts to get the rhythm of the steps. MIKE: How do you LEARN the Hokey Pokey? ROSE Wait... stop! She bends down, pulling off her high heeled shoes, and flings them to Tommy. CROW: Strangely, they fit. Then she grabs Jack and they plunge back into the fray, TOM: Saving Private DiCaprio. dancing faster as the music speeds up. MIKE: …the Quaaludes pumped into the vent finally begin to kick in. CROW: It's Studio 1854! CUT TO: 86 OMITTED 87 INT. THIRD CLASS GENERAL ROOM The scene is rowdy and rollicking. A table gets knocked over as a drunk crashes into it. TOM: Breakaway tables. How the clichés endure. And in the middle of it... Rose dancing with Jack in her stocking feet. The steps are fast and she shines with sweat. A space opens around them, and people watch them, clapping as the band plays faster and faster. CROW: Mike, is that man with the tuba going to explode? MIKE: *Vyvian from "The Young Ones"* I don't know, Crow...but I'm gonna stick around and find out! FABRIZIO AND HELGA. Dancing has obviated the need for a common language. He whirls her, then she responds by whirling him... Fabrizio's eyes go wide when he realizes she's stronger than he is. MIKE: Y'know? I was just thinking, what this movie needs is something offensive to Scandinavian women. The tune ends in a mad rush. TOM: Out the door, off the ship. Jack steps away from Rose with a flourish, allowing her to take a bow. Exhilarated and slightly tipsy, she does a graceful ballet ployer, feet turned out perfectly. Everyone laughs and applauds. MIKE: AT her, not with her. Rose is a hit with the steerage folks, who've never had a lady party with them. CROW: So now they're saying Helga's a man? Which must mean all Scandinavian women are men? MIKE: Calm down, Crow you're not a Scandinavian woman. CROW: I could be...if I really wanted to. They move to a table, flushed and sweaty. Rose grabs Fabrizio's cigarette and takes a big drag. She's feeling cocky. Fabrizio is grinning, holding hands with Helga. TOM: Man, did this movie ever so quickly turn into a porn flick or what? JACK How you two doin'? FABRIZIO I don't know what she's say, she don't know what I say, so we get along fine. CROW: *Fabrizio* It's-a fun to be retarded! Tommy walks up with a pint for each of them. Rose chugs hers, showing off. TOM: That she's a slob? MIKE: It's bad enough to know that she lives long enough to get old... ROSE You think a first class girl can't drink? CROW: You mean you think a first class girl can't drink ENOUGH?? ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Everybody else is dancing again, and Bjorn Gundersen crashes into Tommy, who sloshes his beer over Rose's dress. She laughs, not caring. But Tommy lunges, grabbing Bjorn and wheeling him around. MIKE: *TOMMY* Nice pants. TOMMY You stupid bastard!! Bjorn comes around, his fists coming up... and Jack leaps into the middle of it, pushing them apart. CROW: *JACK* Guys, guys, can't we settle this like...men? Wink wink? Nudge nudge? MIKE: Now that's pretty low, Crow. CROW: HE'S GAY, MIKE!! JACK Boys, boys! Did I ever tell you the one about the Swede and the Irishman goin' to the whorehouse? ALL: FAMILY FILM, CAMERON!!! TOM: Jeez! Tommy stands there, all piss and vinegar, CROW: But mostly piss. chest puffed up. MIKE: Now there's a man in desperate need of some Vick's Vapo-Rub Then he grins and claps Bjorn on the shoulder. ROSE So, you think you're big tough men? Let's see you do this. MIKE: Why does she sound like she's trying to be a neanderthal from One Million Years B.C.? CROW: Ah, Raquel Welch had it better not saying anything at all! ALL: *nostalgic sigh* In her stocking feet she assumes a ballet stance, arms raised, MIKE: Her B.O. takes out half the room. and goes up on point, taking her entire weight on the tips of her toes. The guys gape at her incredible muscle control. CROW: Despite her ALS... TOM and MIKE: CROW! She comes back down, then her face screws up in pain. She grabs one foot, hopping around. MIKE: In other news, Hokey Pokey injuries are on the rise… ROSE Oooowww! I haven't done that in years. Jack catches her as she loses her balance, and everyone cracks up. THE DOOR to the well deck is open a few inches as Lovejoy watches through the gap. He sees Jack holding Rose, both of them laughing. TOM: None of them having a good time, though. LOVEJOY closes the door. CUT TO: 88 EXT. BOAT DECK - NIGHT The stars blaze overhead, so bright and clear you can see the Milky Way. Rose and Jack walk along the row of lifeboats. Still giddy from the party, MIKE: Colonel Gracie would have been proud. they are singing a popular song "Come Josephine in My Flying Machine". JACK/ROSE Come Josephine in my flying machine And it's up she goes! Up she goes! In the air she goes. Where? There she goes! CROW: Let's take a bet. How long do you think it'll be before Puff Daddy cops this song for a rap? They fumble the words and break down laughing. They have reached the First Class Entrance, but don't go straight in, not wanting the evening to end. Through the doors the sound of the ship's orchestra wafts gently. Rose grabs a davit and leans back, staring at the cosmos. TOM: *Carl Sagan* Billions and billions and billions… MIKE: We get the joke, Tom. ROSE Isn't it magnificent? So grand and endless. She goes to the rail and leans on it. CROW: *vomiting noises* ROSE They're such small people, Jack... my crowd. They think they're giants on the earth, but they're not even dust in God's eye. They live inside this little tiny champagne bubble... and someday the bubble's going to burst. MIKE: *JACK* Sorry, what did you say? I had a Growing Pains flashback. He leans at the rail next to her, his hand just touching hers. It is the slightest contact imaginable, and all either one of them can feel is that square inch of skin where their hands are touching. TOM: You can just FEEL the MPAA rating rising right now, can't you? JACK You're not one of them. There's been a mistake. MIKE: *Minnesota Accent* Oh no, it was a little miracle! ROSE A mistake? JACK Uh huh. You got mailed to the wrong address. MIKE: So we have to put up with this forced romance because of a postal service snafu? TOM: Now I'M disgruntled. ROSE (laughing) I did, didn't I? ROSE (CONT'D) (pointing suddenly) Look! A shooting star. MIKE: Hi, I'm a shooting star. The Iceberg couldn't make it tonight so I'm here to sink the ship. JACK That was a long one. My father used to say that whenever you saw one, it was a soul going to heaven. CROW: *JACK* Umm...can I put my tongue in your mouth? ROSE I like that. Aren't we supposed to wish on it? MIKE: *Jiminy Cricket, singing* Don't give a rat's ass who you aaaaare... Jack looks at her, and finds that they are suddenly very close together. It would be so easy to move another couple of inches, to kiss her. Rose seems to be thinking the same thing. TOM: Ad Nauseum. JACK What would you wish for? CROW: *impatient* The stinkin' boat to sink! After a beat, Rose pulls back. ROSE Something I can't have. TOM: *ROSE* A Nintendo 64. (she smiles sadly) Goodnight, Jack. And thank you. She leaves the rail and hurries through the First Class Entrance. CROW: Celine Dion this woman is NOT! MIKE: Celine Dion isn't even Celine Dion! JACK Rose!! But the door bangs shut, and she is gone. Back to her world. TOM: Where James Cameron sticks to making mindless summer action movies. CUT TO: 89 INT. ORSE AND CAL'S SUITE / PRIVATE PROMENADE - DAY SUNDAY APRIL 14, 1912. A bright clear day. Sunlight splashing across the promenade. Rose and Cal are having breakfast in silence. The tension is palpable. Trudy Bolt, in her maid's uniform, pours the coffee and goes inside. CROW: Well...THIS is some gripping conversation. CAL I had hoped you would come to me last night. MIKE: *ROSE* Oh, come on I wasn't THAT bad. ROSE I was tired. CAL Yes. Your exertions below decks were no doubt exausting. TOM: Waiter, could I have a little innuendo with my overtones here? Thanks! ROSE (stiffening) I see you had that undertaker of a manservant follow me. CROW: He just wanted to make sure she had the chance to *as The Undertaker* Rest...in...peace CAL You will never behave like that again! Do you understand? TOM: *CAL* You will only act trollipy for me, I say, ME! ROSE I'm not some foreman in your mills than you can command! MIKE: *ROSE* I am Devo! I am your fiancee- CROW: Yeah yeah, not a bricklayer, we get it. Cal explodes, MIKE: *ROSE* Note to self, C4 is not an entrée. sweeping the breakfast china off the table with a crash. He moves to her in one shocking moment, glowering over her and gripping the sides of her chair, so she is trapped between his arms. CROW: *CAL* Does this bug you? I'm not touching you… MIKE: Whenever you do that, NEVER give the threatenee a clear shot at your crotch. CAL Yes! You are! And my wife... in practice, if not yet by law. So you will honor me, as a wife is required to honor her husband! I will not be made out a fool! Is this in any way unclear? Rose shrinks into the chair. She sees Trudy, frozen, partway through the door bringing the orange juice. Cal follows Rose's glance and straightens up. He stalks past the maid, entering the stateroom. CROW: Heeeeeere's Johnny! ROSE We... had a little accident. I'm sorry, Trudy. MIKE: *ROSE* I'll clean up the blood. Don't worry about it. CUT TO: 90 INT. RUTH'S SUITE - DAY TOM and CROW: Yes! MIKE: Not yet, guys. Rose is dressed for the day, and is in the middle of helping Ruth with her corset. The tight bindings do not inhibit Ruth's fury at all. RUTH You are not to see that boy again, do you understand me Rose? I forbid it! Rose has her knee at the base of her mother's back and is pulling the corset strings with both hands. CROW: Well...now I'm going to need counseling. ROSE Oh, stop it, Mother. You'll give yourself a nosebleed. Ruth pulls away from her, and crosses to the door, locking it. CLACK! TOM: Huh? Somebody shooting a BB gun? RUTH (wheeling on her) MIKE: Whoa, Ruth! CROW: Stone Cold Ruth Bukater! Rose, this is not a game! Our situation is precarious. You know the money's gone! ALL: Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money! ROSE Of course I know it's gone. You remind me every day! MIKE: *ROSE* You blew it all in Vegas! RUTH Your father left us nothing but a legacy of bad debts hidden by a good name. And that name is the only card we have to play. TOM: *ROSE* I told. Rose turns her around and grabs the corset strings again. Ruth sucks in her waist and Rose pulls. CROW: And poof, her torso disappears! TOM and MIKE: OOOOOH! RUTH I don't understand you. It is a fine match with Hockley, and it will insure our survival. ROSE (hurt and lost) How can you put this on my shoulders? CROW: *Old Woman voice* Well I just drape it over you like this... Rose turns to her, and we see what Rose sees- TOM: GODZILLA!!! MIKE: Tom, carn-sarn it. the naked fear in her mother's eyes. RUTH Do you want to se me working as a seamstress? Is that what you want? Do you want to see our fine things sold at an auction, our memories scattered to the winds? My God, Rose, how can you be so selfish? TOM: *ROSE* Ummm…it's a gift? ROSE It's so unfair. RUTH Of course it's unfair! We're women. Our choices are never easy. Rose pulls the corset tighter. MIKE: Having only just gotten rid of the chastity belts a year before. CUT TO: 91 INT. FIRST CLASS DINING SALOON At the divine service, Captain Smith is leading a group in the hymn "Almighty Father Strong To Save." Rose and Ruth sing in the middle of the group. ALL: *singing* Inna-godda-da-vida, baby. Don't you know that I love you... Lovejoy stands well back, keeping an eye on Rose. TOM: *LOVEJOY* She'd make a wonderful Delta Knight. He notices a commotion at the entry doors. Jack has been halted there by two stewards. He is dressed in his third class clothes, and stands there, hat in hand, looking out of place. CROW: This about a guy who falls in love with the hands of one-legged hookers. TOM: AND goes "Whoooo!" on the Titanic. MIKE: If he breaks into "Mr. Bojangles", it'll be proof that there is no God. STEWARD Look, you, you're not supposed to be in here. JACK I was just here last night... don't you remember? (seeing Lovejoy coming toward him) He'll tell you. CROW: Yeah yeah, whatever, Arnie. Just don't kill the grasshoppers on your way out. LOVEJOY Mr. Hockley and Mrs. DeWitt Bukater continue to be most appreciative of your assistance. They asked me to give you this in gratitude-- TOM: A broken nose! CROW and MIKE: Yes! He holds out two twenty dollar bills, which Jack refuses to take. JACK I don't want money, I-- CROW: *JACK* Only accept fish as currency. LOVEJOY --and also to remind you that you hold a third class ticket and your presence here is no longer appropriate. MIKE: *LOVEJOY* But then again neither is mine, but that's rather a moot point, isn't it? Jack spots Rose but she doesn't see him. JACK I just need to talk to Rose for a-- LOVEJOY Gentlemen, please see that Mr. Dawson gets back where he belongs. MIKE: *LOVEJOY* Where the eagles fly, on a mountain high. (giving the twenties to the stewards) And that he stays there. STEWARD Yes sir! (to Jack) Come along you. END ON ROSE, not seeing Jack hustled out. TOM: *humming "The Hustle* ROSE (singing) O hear us when we cry to thee for those in peril on the sea. ALL: *singing along* This is public domain, we don't have to pay anyone, hahahahaha... CUT TO: 92 INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY An Edwardian nautilus room. There are machines we recognize, TOM: Like the Iron Maiden, The Rack, and a Salad Shooter. and some we don't. CROW: Like the one that goes "PING!" A woman pedals a stationary bicycle in a long dress, looking ridiculous. MIKE: The bicycle's wearing a dress? That IS ridiculous. Thomas Andrews is leading a small tour group, including Rose, Ruth and Cal. Cal is working the oars of a stationary rowing machine with a well trained stroke. TOM: A lot more fun when you're not being whipped, eh Cal? CAL Reminds me of my Harvard days. MIKE: Getting drunk and driving your girlfriends off bridges? TOM: Now Mike, don't go there. T.W. McCAULEY, the gym instructor, is a bouncy little man in white flannels, eager to show off his modern equipment, CROW: In other words, compensate big-time. like his present-day counterpart on an "Abflex" infomercial. He hits a switch and a machine with a saddle on it starts to undulate. Rose puts her hand on it, curious. TOM: Bi-curi... MIKE: We did that joke already! MCCAULEY The electric horse is very popular. We even have an electric camel. CROW: *MCCAULEY* We also have an Electric Eel, an Electric Cow, and an Electric Goat...VERY popular with the kids. (to Ruth) Care to try your hand at the rowing, m'am? MIKE: *RUTH* No thank you, I'm straight. RUTH Don't be absurd. I can't think of a skill I should likely need less. TOM: Ok, just shove the irony down our throats, script! ANDREWS The next stop on our tour will be bridge. This way, please. CROW: *ANDREWS* Everybody stick together and remember who your buddy is. Ruth make sure you don't get sucked under. CUT TO: 93 EXT. AFT WELL DECK, B-DECK AND A-DECK - DAY Jack, walking with determination, is followed closely by Tommy and Fabrizio. MIKE: The greatest fashion designers of their time. He quickly climbs the steps to B-Deck and steps over the gate separating 3rd from 2nd class. TOMMY She's a goddess amongst mortal men, there's no denyin'. But she's in another world, Jackie, forget her. She's closed the door. CROW: Hey, those are lyrics to a Heart song! Jack moves furtively to the wall below the A-Deck promenade, aft. MIKE: So he's evolving into a silent movie villain, uh-huh, I follow… JACK It was them, not her. (glancing around the deck) Ready... go. ALL: *make that wakachika-wakachika-wakachika sound* Tommy shakes his head resignedly and puts his hands together, crouching down. Jack steps into Tommy's hands and gets boosted up to the next deck, where he scrambles nimbly over the railing, onto the First Class deck. MIKE: Now if either one of you starts in with "Jack be nimble...", you're grounded for the next century. TOMMY He's not bein' logical, I tell ya. FABRIZIO Amore is'a not logical. CROW: It's more like a big pizza pie. CUT TO: 94 EXT. A-DECK / AFT - DAY A man is playing with his son, who is spinning a top with a string. TOM: *kid* This kite really sucks, dad. The man's overcoat and hat are sitting on a deck chair nearby. CROW: *man* Gee, I hope no one steals my hat and overcoat. They're just sitting there invitingly on the deck chair and it would be a real shame if someone stole them. Jack emerges from behind one of the huge deck cranes and calmly picks up the coat and bowler hat. He walks away, slipping into the coat, and slicks his hair back with spit. Then puts the hat on at a jaunty angle. At a distance he could pass for a gentlemen. MIKE: Once again, our hero. CUT TO: 95 INT. BRIDGE / CHARTROOM - DAY HAROLD BRIDE, the 21 year old Junior Wireless Operator, hustles in and skirts around Andrews' tour group to hand a Marconigram to Captain Smith. BRIDE Another ice warning, sir. This one from the "Baltic". SMITH Thank you, Sparks. Smith glances at the message then nonchalantly puts it in his pocket. He nods reassuringly to Rose and the group. SMITH Not to worry, it's quite normal for this time of year. In fact, we're speeding up. I've just ordered the last boilers lit. TOM: *SMITH* I REALLY wanna sink this bitch. Andrews scowls slightly before motioning the group toward the door. They exit just as SECOND OFFICER CHARLES HERBERT LIGHTOLLER comes out of the chartroom, stopping next to First Officer Murdoch. MIKE: Along with the rest of the A-Team. LIGHTOLLER Did we ever find those binoculars for the lookouts? FIRST OFFICER MURDOCH Haven't seen them since Southampton. *TOM and CROW break into "Southampton" from the film* MIKE: Hey hey! CUT TO: 96 EXT. BOAT DECK / STARBOARD SIDE - DAY Andrews leads the group back from the bridge along the boat deck. MIKE: Okay people, on the count of three all of you jump off the side of the ship and pretend to drown in the icy depths, alright? ROSE Mr. Andrews, I did the sum in my head, and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned... forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard. CROW: *ANDREWS, mockingly* What do YOU know? YOU'RE a WOMAN! MIKE: See there, Crow? Another woman. CROW: Well...ah, er...STUFF IT, MIKE! ANDREWS About half, actually. Rose, you miss nothing, do you? In fact, I put in these new type davits, which can take an extra row of boats here. TOM: Which would be good if it actually MEANT ANYTHING! (he gestures along the deck) CROW: Hey, back at ya! But it was thought... by some... that the deck would look too cluttered. So I was over-ruled. CAL (slapping the side of a boat) Waste of deck space as it is, on an unsinkable ship! CROW: *ANDREWS* Please don't hit the boat, Mr. Hockley. ANDREWS Sleep soundly, young Rose. I have built you a good ship, strong and true. She's all the lifeboat you need. As they are passing Boat 7, a gentlemen turns from the rail and walks up behind the group. It is Jack. He taps Rose on the arm and she turns, gasping. He motions and she cuts away from the group toward a door which Jack holds open. They duck into the-- TOM: Fire escape! CROW: Nearby alleyway! MIKE: Alternate dimension! CUT TO: 97 INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Jack closes the door behind her, and glances out through the ripple-glass window to the starboard rail, where the gym instructor is chatting up the woman who was riding the bike. CROW: Jack LaLane gets him some! TOM: With his age? Wouldn't doubt a possible presence on the Titanic. Rose and Jack are alone in the room. ROSE Jack, this is impossible. I can't see you. He takes her by the shoulders. MIKE:...and gives her a headbutt. JACK Rose, you're no picnic... you're a spoiled little brat even, but under that you're a strong, pure heart, and you're the most amazingly astounding girl I've ever known and-- TOM: Don't sing! Don't sing! ROSE Jack, I-- JACK No wait. Let me try to get this out. You're amazing... and I know I have nothing to offer you, Rose. I know that. But I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowin' that you're goin' to be alright. CROW: *JACK* By the way, I'm gay. Rose feels the tears coming to her eyes. Jack is so open and real... not like anyone she has ever known. MIKE: Well that's not our problem, is it. ROSE You're making this very hard. I'll be fine. Really. JACK I don't think so. They've got you in a glass jar like some butterfly, and you're goin' to die if you don't break out. Maybe not right away, 'cause you're strong. But sooner or later the fire in you is goin' to go out. TOM: Hey, no unauthorized exposition, buddy! ROSE It's not up to you to save me, Jack. JACK You're right. Only you can do that. CROW: Prevent forest fires? ROSE I have to get back, they'll miss me. Please, Jack, for both our sakes, leave me alone. MIKE: Yeah and for ours, too! CUT TO: 98 INT. FIRST CLASS LOUNG - DAY The most elegant room on the ship, done in Louis Quinze Versaille style. Rose sits on a divan, TOM: And she's pretty pissed off. MIKE: DIVAN, Tom, not Diva. with a group of other women arrayed around her. Ruth, the Countess Rothes and Lady Duff- Gordon are taking tea. Rose is silent and still as a porcelain figurine as the conversation washes around her. TOM: 4C, the official tea of the Titanic. RUTH Of course the invitations had to be sent back to the printers twice. And the bridesmaids dresses! Let me tell you what an odyssey that has been... CROW: There once was a guy from Nantucket... *MIKE covers CROW's Mouth* TRACKING SLOWLY IN on Rose as Ruth goes on. TOM: Along with the movie. REVERSE, ROSE'S POV: A tabeau of MOTHER and DAUGHTER having tea. The four year old girl, wearing white gloves, daintily picking up a cookie. The mother correcting her on her posture, and the way she holds the teacup. The little girl is trying so hard to please, her expression serious. A glimpse of Rose at that age, and we see the relentless conditioning... the pain to becoming an Edwardian geisha. CROW: And especially the pleasure. ON ROSE. She calmly and deliberately turns her teacup over, spilling tea all over her dress. MIKE: Now THAT'S brisk, baby. ROSE Oh, look what I've done. CROW: *foppishly* Oh I'm so NAUGHTY! *laughs giddily* CUT TO: 99 EXT. TITANIC - DAY TITANIC STEAMS TOWARD US, in the dusk light, as if lit by the embers of a giant fire. As the ship looms, FILLING FRAME, we push in on the bow. Jack is there, MIKE: *gets up and motions like he's pushing Jack overboard* right at the apex of the bow railing, his favorite spot. He closes his eyes, letting the chill wind clear his head. TOM: Making a really nice whistling sound as it does so. Jack hears her voice, behind him... ROSE Hello, Jack. MIKE: *ROSE* I've come to KILL you. He turns and she is standing there. CROW: Penny Marshall. ROSE I changed my mind. TOM: Diet Dr. Pepper DOES taste like regular Dr. Pepper. He smiles at her, his eyes drinking her in. CROW: I miss Colonel Gracie. Just thought I should get that out in the open. Her cheeks are red with the chill wind, and her eyes sparkle. Her hair blows wildly about her face. MIKE: Oh, Jack's having an acid trip. ROSE Fabrizio said you might be up-- JACK Sssshh. Come here. CROW: *JACK* ...into the closet... MIKE: All right Crow, that's enough DiCaprio gay bashing for one day. He puts his hands on her waist. TOM: Gootchie gootchie gootchie! As if he is going to kiss her. JACK Close your eyes. TOM: *JACK* Now let me get the needle and thread. She does, and he turns her to face forward, the way the ship is going. He presses her gently to the rail, standing right behind her. Then he takes her two hands and raises them until she is standing with her arms outstetched on each side. Rose is going along with him. When he lowers his hands, her arms stay up... like wings. CROW: Ah, the famous Maxi Pad position. JACK Okay. Open them. Rose gasps. There is nothing in her field of vision but water. It's like there is no ship under them at all, just the two of them soaring. The Atlantic unrolls toward her, a hammered copper shield under a dusk sky. There is only the wind, and the hiss of the water 50 feet below. TOM: which quickly gets closer and closer until splash, she hits the water and gets dragged under the hull, the end. MIKE: Ouch. ROSE I'm flying! She leans forward, arching her back. *TOM and CROW start getting anxious* MIKE: Not yet guys. He puts his hands on her waist to steady her. TOM: You know what, guys? I've totally forgotten what the definition of a "Family Film" is now. CROW: You have a point. With such Family Films as "Old Yeller" and "Mrs. Doubtfire" I don't see the "Family" in family film. It should be more like "Dysfunctional". JACK (singing softly) Come Josephine in my flying machine... *TOM starts humming "Kashmir"* MIKE: *Puff Daddy* Unn! Come Josephine, YEAH YEAH! In my flying machine...aw yeah! Come Jo-se-phine! CROW: Of course, Jack's idea of a flying machine is the Wonkavator. Rose closes her eyes, feeling herself floating weightless far above the sea. TOM: Man, she is TRIPPIN'! She smiles dreamily, then leans back, gently pressing her back against his chest. He pushes forward slightly against her. CROW: Up against his raging… MIKE: Hey! Slowly he raises his hands, arms outstretched, and they meet hers... fingertips gently touching. Then their fingers intertwine. Moving slowly, their fingers caress through and around each other like the bodies of two lovers. CROW: A movie that doubles as an adult novel. Fascinating. *pause*...NOT! Jack tips his face forward into her blowing hair, letting the scent of her wash over him, until his cheek is agianst her ear. MIKE: *JACK, whispering* You have some spinach in your teeth. Rose turns her head until her lips are near his. TOM: No Smint, no femmie love scene. She lowers her arms, turning further, until she finds his mouth with hers. He wraps his arms around her from behind, and they kiss like this with her head turned and tilted back, CROW: And promptly dislocating her spine! surrendering to him, to the emotion, to the inevitable. They kiss, slowly and tremulously, and then with building passion. MIKE: *With hand over forehead, as though he's searching for something* Man, where is that iceberg when you need it... Jack and the ship seem to merge into one force of power and optimism, TOM: Microsoft...except for the optimism. lifting her, buoying her forward on a magical journey, soaring onward into a night without fear. CROW: *ROSE* I'm Superman! 100 IN THE CROW'S NEST, high above and behind them, lookout FREDERICK FLEET nudges his mate, REGINALD LEE, MIKE: *Eric Idle* Is your wife..a goer...eh? pointing down at the figures in the bow. CROW: Wasn't that a Thin Lizzy song? MIKE: No you're thinking about Whiskey in the Jar. CROW: Oh. FLEET Wish I had those bleedin' binoculars. MIKE: *FLEET* Or that hemmoraging telescope, I don't care. I just hope we don't have to call in the British Royal Me. 101 JACK AND ROSE, embracing at the bow rail, DISSOLVE SLOWLY AWAY, leaving the ruined bow of the WRECK-- TOM: So did the iceberg make a bump that couldn't be heard past their kissing? Was Jack and Rose responsible for the iceberg? I have so many questions! CUT TO: 102 INT. KELDYSH IMAGING SHACK OLD ROSE blinks, seeming to come back to the present. She sees the wreck on the screen, the sad ghost ship deep in the abyss. MIKE: *OLD ROSE* Oh, was I projecting my memories into screenplay form again? ROSE That was the last time Titanic ever saw daylight. TOM: *OLD ROSE* Sort of a good thing, really. Since it wasn't a very good Stallone flick. Brock Lovett changes the tape in the minicassette recorder. BROCK So we're up to dusk on the night of the sinking. Six hours to go. MIKE: I wanna be sedated. CROW: Me too. TOM: Same here. BODINE Don't you love it? There's Smith, he's standing there with the iceberg warning in his fucking hand... CROW: I hope his hand wasn't doing that! (remembering Rose) ... excuse me... in his hand, and he's ordering more speed. MIKE: Iggy Pop would have loved Captain Smith. BROCK 26 years of experience working against him. He figures anything big enough to sink the ship they're going to see in time to turn. But the ship's too big, with too small a rudder... it can't corner worth shit. TOM: Oh, so Titanic was made by Ford. Everything he knows is wrong. ROSE is ignoring this conversation. She has the art-nouveau comb with the jade butterfly on the handle in her hands, turning it slowly. She is watching a monitor, which shows the ruins of Suite B-52/56. PUSH IN until the image fills frame. CROW: *OLD ROSE* I once drowned in that suite. TRANSITION: TOM: Transition--Passage from one place or state to another; change; as, the transition of the weather from hot to cold. MIKE: Tom... 103 INT. ROSE'S SUITE ... 1912. TOM: *Lennier * It was the year of fire… Like in a dream the beautiful woodwork and satin upholstery emerge from the rusted ruin. Jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of the room. He sets his sketchbook and drawing materials on the marble table. MIKE: Bob Ross, the suave-eternal Hippie. May he rest in peace. ROSE Will this light do? Don't artists need good light? JACK (bad French accent) Zat is true, I am not used to working in such 'orreeble conditions. CROW: *bad French Accent* I fart in your general direction! (seeing the paintings) Hey... Monet! TOM: *JACK* and Jubilee and Synch the other members of the Generation X team! CROW: Faaaaan… TOM: Say it Crow. Say it. He crouches next to the paintings stacked against the wall. MIKE: *German Accent* Ready...aim... JACK Isn't he great... the use of color? I saw him once... through a hole in this garden fence in Giverny. CROW: And he's a Peeping Tom! Again, our hero folks. Let's give him a hand! She goes into the adjoining walk-in wardrobe closet. MIKE: *ROSE* This way to Narnia. He sees her go to the safe and start working the combination. He's fascinated. CROW: Oh, come on, DUST PARTICLES fascinate this guy! ROSE Cal insists on lugging this thing everywhere. TOM: His "Sounds from the 70's" Collection. JACK Should I be expecting him anytime soon? MIKE: *ROSE* Oh I don't know, how much of me can you draw in five seconds? ROSE Not as long as the cigars and brandy hold out. CROW: Family night at the Lewinsky House. CLUNK! TOM: ...went the plot. She unlocks the safe. Glancing up, she meets his eyes in the mirror behind the safe. MIKE: *ROSE* Hello, eyes. *giggle* Fancy meeting you here. She opens it and removes the necklace, then holds it out to Jack who takes it nervously. JACK What is it? A sapphire? ROSE A diamond. A very rare diamond, called the Heart of the Ocean. CROW: *JACK* Why is it still beating? Jack gazes at wealth beyond his comprehension. TOM: That's not saying much, actually. ROSE I want you to draw me like your French girl. MIKE: One-legged? Wearing this. CROW: Old Navy drawstring pants? (she smiles at him) Wearing only this. TOM: *embarrassed* hehehe...why Rose umm...hehe...oh my. He looks up at her, surprised, and we CUT TO: TOM and CROW: NO!!! 104 ROSE'S BEDROOM. ON THE BUTTERFLY COMB as Rose draws it out of her hair. She shakes her head and her hair falls free around her shoulders. MIKE: And onto the floor. 105 IN THE SITTING ROOM Jack is laying out his pencils like surgical tools. His sketchbook is open and ready. He looks up as she comes into the room, wearing a silk kimono. CROW: Dammit. Dammit I got something in my eye again!! Okay, where did I put the Visine? Dammit, this ALWAYS happens whenever there's a potential for nudity. Must be a glandular problem or something. MIKE: Crow, you don't have glands… CROW: I'll be right back. *GETS UP* Don't go ANYWHERE, script! I mean that! DAMMIT! MIKE: Crow... *CROW disappears offscreen* ROSE The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a china doll. As a paying customer, I expect to get what I want. TOM: *ROSE* Free Pay-Per-View!. MIKE: Any luck, Crow? CROW: *offscreen* Where...is...the...Visine??? MIKE: Try looking in the medicine cabinet! She hands him a dime and steps back, parting the kimono. The blue stone lies on her creamy breast. Her heart is pounding as she slowly lowers the robe. TOM: Hehehe...Oh my goodness me...Mike, I retract EVERY fat joke I've ever said about Kate Winslet. Oh Honey, COME TO SERVO! MIKE: Crow, you having any luck? CROW: *offscreen* No! It's not in the medicine cabinet. Gypsy, what did you do with my Visine?? GYPSY: *offscreen* I didn't touch your damn eye drops, Goldenrod! Jakc looks so stricken, it is almost comical. The kimono drops to the floor (this is all in cuts, lyrical). MIKE and TOM: Aww, man! TOM: We never get to see the good stuff. CROW: *offscreen* What's happening so far?? MIKE: Umm...you're not missing anything, Crow! ROSE Tell me when it looks right to you. TOM and MIKE: It looks right! It looks right! She poses on the divan, settling like a cat into the position we remember from the drawing... almost. TOM: YES! Houston, we have nudity! JACK Uh... just bend your left leg a little and... and lower your head. MIKE: *JACK* Now twist your left arm around your body and stick your ear in your mouth. Eyes to me. That's it. Jack starts to sketch. He drops his pencil and she stifles a laugh. ROSE I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing. TOM: *JACK* That's because he's dead. JACK (sweating) He does landscapes. MIKE: Ewwwww. Man that one's too kinky even for Crow! CROW: *offscreen* WHAT'S HAPPENING!??? TOM: Nothing yet, Crow! TIGHT ON JACK as his eyes come up to look at her over the top edge of his sketchpad. MIKE: Hidey-ho, Neighbor Rose! We have seen this image of him before, in her memory. It is an image she will carry the rest of her life. Despite his nervousness, he draws with sure strokes, TOM: That's not the only stroking he's doing, I'm willing to wager. and what emerges is the best thing he has ever done. Her pose is languid, her hands beautiful, and her eyes radiate her energy. MIKE: Oh how nice, she's radioactive. PUSH SLOWLY IN ON ROSE'S FACE... TOM: Lower! Lower! CROW: *coming back onscreen* Okay, I'm back...bring on the nudity! TRANSITION: 106 INT. KELDYSH / IMAGING SHACK CROW: DAMMIT! TOM: Missed bare boob again, Crow. Hehehehehe CROW: Why you little...*reaches over to attack TOM, MIKE holds him back* You're dead, Servo! Dead! MATCH DISSOLVE/MORPH to Rose, 101 years old. Only her eyes are the same. MIKE: The rest of her...that's another story. OLD ROSE My heart was pounding the whole time. It was the most erotic moment of my life... up till then at least. TOM: Yeah, and Crow missed it. What a feeb! CROW: I'm telling you, Servo… CUT TO REVERSE: A semicircle of listeners staring in rapt, frozen silence. The story of Jack and Rose has finally and completely grabbed them. ALL: OWWWWW! MY AREA! CROW: *BODINE* I'M BARREN! BODINE What, uh... happened next? OLD ROSE (smiling) You mean, did we "do it"? CROW: You mean with a black basketball player? MIKE: Now Crow, that's "Just do it". TOM: It's still an unsettling thought... CUT TO: 107 INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE - NIGHT BACK TO 1912. Jack is signing the drawing. Rose, wearing her kimono again, is leaning on his shoulder, watching. MIKE: *JACK, IN PAIN* Rose, Rose MY COLLARBONE, MY COLLARBONE!! OLD ROSE (V.O.) Sorry to disappoint you Mr. Bodine. Rose gazes at the drawing. He has X-rayed her soul. TOM: I would have given it a good MRI. ROSE Date it, Jack. I want to always remember this night. He does: 4/14/1912. Rose meanwhile scribbles a note on a piece of Titanic stationary. MIKE: Titanic Stationary, where our motto is "We never sink as low as the competition" We don't see what it says. CROW: I know…what are they trying to hide…. She accepts the drawing from him, and crosses to the safe in the wardrobe. She puts the diamond back in the safe, placing hte drawing and the note on top of it. Closes the door with a CLUNK! TOM: Such RIVETING ACTION! CUT TO: 108 INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM - NIGHT Lovejoy enters from the Palm Court through the revolving door and crosses the room toward Hockley. A fire is blazing in the marble fireplace, and the usual fatcats are playing cards, drinking and talking. Cal sees Lovejoy and detaches from his group, coming to him. CROW: *SINGING* Detachable Lovejoy...Detachable Lovejoy... MIKE: Okay, Crow, that's enough... LOVEJOY None of the stewards have seen her. CAL (low but forceful) This is ridiculous, Lovejoy. Find her. TOM: *CAL* I want to know exactly Where on Titanic is Carmen Sandiego! CUT TO: 109 EXT. ATLANTIC - NIGHT TITANIC glides across an unnatural sea, black and calm as a pool of oil. The ships lights are mirrored almost perfectly in the black water. The sky is brilliant with stars. A meteor traces a bright line across the heavens. MIKE: Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis are in hot pursuit. 110 ON THE BRIDGE, Captain Smith peers out at the blackness ahead of the ship. CROW: Hey, he's Turning Japanese! QUARTERMASTER HITCHINS brings him a cup of hot tea with lemon. It steams in the bitter cold of the open bridge. Second Officer Lightoller is next to him, staring out at the sheet of black glass the Atlantic has become. TOM: Just like a Broadway Musical! CROW: Yeah! MIKE: Don't start singing! LIGHTOLLER I don't think I've ever seen such a flat calm, in 24 years at sea. SMITH Yes, like a mill pond. Not a breath of wind. LIGHTOLLER It's make the bergs harder to see, with no breaking water at the base. MIKE: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have foreshadowing. TOM and CROW: *Non-Committal* Yay. SMITH Mmmmm. Well, I'm off. Maintain speed and heading, Mr. Lightoller. CROW: *SMITH* Let me know when we die. LIGHTOLLER Yes sir. SMITH And wake me, of course, if anything becomes in the slightest degree doubtful. TOM: *SMITH* Just throw cold water on me...umm, wait... CUT TO: 111 INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE Rose, fully dressed now, returns to the sitting room. They hear a key in the lock. Rose takes Jack's hand and leads him silently through the bedrooms. Lovejoy enters by the sitting room door. TOM: *LOVEJOY* So...how was it? CROW: *Austin Powers* SHAGEDELIC, BABY!! LOVEJOY Miss Rose? Hello? MIKE: *LOVEJOY* We've found the lost scrolls of Archimedes! He hears a door opening and goes through Cal's room toward hers. CROW: TOTALLY ignoring the nude picture of Rose propped up on the table right near Jack, I presume. CUT TO: 112 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE Rose and Jack come out of her stateroom, closing the door. TOM: GRIPPING DOOR-CLOSING ACTION! She leads him quickly along the corridor toward the B deck foyer. They are halfway across the open space when the sitting room door opens in the corridor and Lovejoy comes out. The valet sees Jack with Rose and hustles after them. ALL: *humming "The Hustle"* ROSE Come on! MIKE: *ROSE* It's Alexander's Ragtime Band! She and Jack break into a run, surprising the few ladies and gentlemen about. Rose leads him past the stairs to the bank of elevators. CROW: Member FDIC. They run into one, shocking the hell out of the OPERATOR. TOM: *OPERATOR* Now, why in the hell did you have to go and shock me, the OPERATOR of this elevator, like that? ROSE Take us down. Quickly, quickly! The Operator scrambles to comply. MIKE: DEFINITELY not a smooth operator. Jack even helps him close the steel gate. Lovejoy runs up as the lift starts to descend. He slams one hand on the bars of the gate. Rose makes a very rude and unladylike gesture, and laughs as Lovejoy disappears above. The Operator gapes at her. TOM: *OPERATOR* Now why did you have to go make a very rude and unladylike gesture that would make me gape at you? hehe MIKE: Alright Tom, knock it off... CUT TO: 113 INT. E-DECK FOYER / ELEVATORS Lovejoy emerges from another lift and runs to the one Jack and Rose were in. TOM: *CB voice* One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, we got young actors on the loose, Delta Knight in hot pursuit. The Operator is just closing the gate to go back up. Lovejoy runs around the bank of elevators and scans the foyer... no Jack and Rose. He tries the stairs going down to F-Deck. CROW: Well F you, too. CUT TO: 114 INT. F-DECK CORRIDORS / FAN ROOM A functional space, with access to a number of machine spaces (fan rooms, boiler uptakes). Jack and Rose are leaning against a wall, laughing. MIKE: *ROSE* And so the bartender says "Rectum? It damn near killed him!" JACK Pretty tough for a valet, this fella. ROSE He's an ex-Pinkerton. Cal's father hired him to keep Cal out of trouble... to make sure he always got back to the hotel with his wallet and watch, after some crawl through the less reputable parts of town... TOM: Oh, so Lovejoy's his mommy! JACK Kinda like we're doin' right now-- uh oh! Lovejoy has spotted them from a cross-corridor nearby. He charges toward them. Jack and Rose run around a corner into a blind alley. There is one door, marked CREW ONLY, and Jack flings it open. TOM: You know, I kinda find it funny that Crew phonetically spelled backwards is "Work"? CROW: You think these actors were doing any "Work"? TOM: No, but I thought it would be an interesting thing to point out. 115 They enter a roaring RAN ROOM, MIKE: *Astro* Right Roarge! with no way out but a ladder going down. Jack latches the deadbolt on the door, and Lovejoy slams against it a moment later. Jack grins at Rose, pointing to the ladder. CROW: *JACK* Quickly, to the "Future War" script! JACK After you, m'lady. CUT TO: 116 INT. BOILER ROOM FIVE AND SIX TOM: Watcha wanna bet Mick Foley's around here someplace… Jack and Rose come down the escape ladder and look around in amazement. It is like a vision of hell itself, with the roaring furnaces and black figures moving in the smoky glow. MIKE: Proving once again that heaven is a boiler room. They run the length of the boiler room, dodging amazed stokers, and trimmers with their wheelbarrows of coal. CROW: All ready to get medieval on naughty children this Christmas. JACK (shouting over the din) Carry on! Don't mind us! TOM: *JACK* We're not here! You're all dreaming this! They run through the open watertight door into BOILER ROOM SIX. Jack pulls her through the fiercely hot alley between two boilers and they wind up in the dark, out of sight of the working crew. Watching from the shadows, they see the stokers working in the hellish glow, shovelling coal into the insatiable maws of the furnaces. The whole place thunders with the roar of the fires. MIKE: *Singing* I think we're alone now...there doesn't seem to be anyone around...I think we're alone now, the roaring of the boiler room furnaces that power the engines that turn the propellers that make the ship go… is the only sound… CUT TO: 117 INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM Amid unparalled luxury, Cal sits at a card game, sipping brandy. CROW: *GRACIE* Get...your...damn…hands...off...my...booze! COLONEL GRACIE We're going like hell I tell you. I have fifty dollars that says we make it into New York Tuesday night! TOM: *GRACIE* And that I'll be drunk as all hell! Cal looks at his gold pocket watch, CROW: I'm Betty Jo. TOM: I'm Bobbi Jo. MIKE: I'm Mary Jo. CROW: All this, and Andy Rooney. Coming up on 60 Minutes. TOM: At the Junction. and scowls, not listening. CUT TO: 118 OMITTED 119 INT. BOILER ROOM SIX The furnaces roar, silhouetting the glistening stokers. Jack kisses Rose's face, tasting the sweat trickling down from her forehead. MIKE: *JACK* You taste like Pepsi One! CROW: I hope this doesn't mean Tom Green's gonna show up and start pestering us. TOM: At this moment it would be a Godsend. They kiss passionately in the steamy, pounding darkness. CROW: Why can I hear a Whitney Houston song playing? CUT TO: 120 INT. HOLD #2 Jack and Rose enter and run laughing between the rows of stacked cargo. TOM: *ROSE, laughing* Romantic Exposition is fun! She hugs herself against the cold, after the dripping heat of the boiler room. CROW: and the dripping sappiness of the previous scene! They come upon William Carter's brand new RENAULT touring car, lashing down to a pallet. It looks like a royal coach from a fairy tale, its brass trim and headlamps nicely set off by its deep burgundy color. TOM: So? Rose climbs into the plushly upholstered back seat, acting very royal. There are cut crystal bud vases on the walls back there, each containing a rose. Jack jumps into the driver's seat, enjoying the feel of the leather and wood. MIKE: A little TOO much, actually. JACK Where to, Miss? CROW: *ROSE* Do you know the way to San Jose? ROSE To the stars. TOM: To infinity and beyond! MIKE: To the moon, Alice! CROW: To our doom, Titanic! ON JACK as her hands come out of the shadows and pull him over the seat into the back. MIKE: *Jerry Lewis* HELLO, lady! He lands next to her, and his breath seems loud in the quiet darkness. TOM: and stinky. He looks at her and she is smiling. It is the moment of truth. JACK Are you nervous? ROSE Au contraire, mon cher. CROW: *Gomez Addams* Tish, that's French! He strokes her face, cherishing her. She kisses his artist's fingers. ROSE Put your hands on me Jack. CROW: *ROSE* So I can go around yelling *Jumping up and down in his seat* RAPE!!! RAAAPE!!!! MIKE: *Holding CROW down* Crow ...Crow, calm down! He kisses her, and she slides down in the seat under his welcome weight. ALL: YES!!! CUT TO: 121 INT. WIRELESS ROOM ALL: AWWWW! TOM: Cameron, I am SO going to kill you for playing us like this. A BRILLIANT ARC OF ELECTRICITY fills frame-- the sparks gap of the Marconi instrument as SENIOR WIRELESS OPERATOR JACK PHILLIPS (24) rapidly keys out a message. Crow: *PHILLIPS* One...Cheeseburger...stop. Large...fries....stop. Junior Operator Bride MIKE: Who's all dressed in white. looks through the huge stack of outgoing messages swamping them. TOM: Oh, just another day at the AOL home offices. BRIDE Look at this one, he wants his private train to meet him. La dee da. (slaps them down) We'll be up all bloody night on this lot. MIKE: *BRIDE* And I really wanted to get past the second level of "Rebellion" first. Phillips start to receive an incoming message from a nearby ship, the Leyland freighter CALIFORNIAN, which jams his outgoing signal. At such close range, the beeps are deafening. CROW: But still, better than any random Yanni track. PHILLIPS Christ! It's that idiot on the Californian. Cursing, Phillips furiously keys a rebuke. CUT TO: 122 INT. / EXT. WIRELESS SHAK / FREIGHTER CALIFORNIAN Wireless Operater CYRIL EVANS pulls his earphone off his ear as the Titanic's spark deafens him. he translates the message for THIRD OFFICER GROVES. TOM: *EVANS* Get bent...HEY! EVANS Stupid bastard. I try to warn him about the ice, and he says "Keep out. Shut up. I'm working Cape Race." GROVES Now what's he sending? CROW: *EVANS* His undying affection, sir. EVANS "No seasickness. Poker business good. Al". Well that's it for me. I'm shutting down. As Evans wearily switches off his generator, TOM: Hey, you gotta shut down Windows before you can shut down the system! You'll get corrupt files! Groves goes out on deck. PAN OFF Him to reveal the ship is stopped fifty yards from the edge of a field of pack ice and icebergs stretching as far as the eye can see. MIKE: FINALLY! CROW: Ten hours into the script! TOM: Still, better late than never. CUT TO: 123 EXT. OCEAN / TITANIC ON TITANIC, steaming hellbent through the darkness, hurling up white water at the bows. The bow comes straight at us, until the bow wave WIPES THE FRAME CROW: Ah, well, The cameraman got dragged underneath the ship. I guess we'll never know how the ship sank, Mike... CUT TO: 124 INT. HOLD #2 PUSHING IN on the rear window of the Renault, which is completely fogged up. Rose's hand comes up and slams against the glass for a moment, making a handprint in the veil of condensation. TOM: That would make a REALLY bad haiku. INSIDE THE CAR, Jack's overcoat is like a blanket over them. It stirs and Rose pulls it down. They are huddled under it, intertwined, still mostly clothed. Their faces are flushed and they look at each other wonderingly. She puts her hand on his face, as if making sure he is real. MIKE: Nope, totally wax. ROSE You're trembling. TOM: *ROSE* My fault lines are acting up, don't worry about it. JACK It's okay. I'm all right. He lays his cheek against her chest. MIKE: *singing* Heaven...I'm in Heaven... CROW: That's funny, it seems so much like Hell, I mean. Leo getting it on with ANYONE and stuff... JACK I can feel your heart beating. She hugs his head to her chest, and just holds on for dear life. MIKE: Group Hug! *gets up and tries to hug along with Jack and Rose* OLD ROSE (V.O.) Well, I wasn't the first teenage girl to get seduced in the backseat of a car, and certainly not the last, by several million. TOM: Man, Leo DOES get around Hollywood! He had such fine hands, artists' hands, but strong too... MIKE: *Rock Biter* They look like big...strong...hands. Don't they? roughened by work. I remember their touch even now. CROW: *OLD ROSE* It makes my liver spots pucker just thinking about it. CUT TO: 125 EXT. ATLANTIC / TITANIC - NIGHT The bow sweeps under us, and the CAMERA CLIMBS toward the foremast and the tiny half- cylinder of the crow's nest, which grows as we push in on lookouts Fleet and Lee. They are stamping their feet and swinging their arms, MIKE: Next on "Titanic", how to watch out for icebergs and look really stupid doing it. trying to keep warm in the 22 knot freezing wind, which whips capor of their breath away behind. CROW: I'm confused. What'd they just say? TOM: It's freezing like Greenland and the crew's pissed off. CROW: Oh. FLEET You can smell ice, you know, when it's near. TOM: *FLEET* And I'm Me of Foot, too. LEE Bollocks. MIKE: *LEE* Never mind that, here's the Sex Pistols. FLEET Well I can. CROW: Fleet didn't have any friends in High School, did he? CUT TO: 126 INT. BOILER ROOM SIX Without hearing the words over the roar of the furnaces, we see stokers telling TWO STEWARDS which way Rose and Jack went. The stewards move off toward the forward holds. MIKE: And are never seen again. Next scene! CUT TO: 127 INT. CAL AND ROSE'S SUITE TOM: Oh, so we're back here again? Okay. Cal stands at the open safe. He stares at the drawing of Rose and his face clenches with fury. He reads the not again: "DARLING, NOW YOU CAN KEEP US BOTH LOCKED IN YOUR SAFE, ROSE". CROW: Ooh! Cal, burn you, man! Lovejoy, standing behind him, looks over his shoulder at the drawing. MIKE: *LOVEJOY* She has very nice… TOM: *CAL* Don't say it. Cal crumple Rose's not, then takes the drawing in both hands as if to rip it in half. He tenses to do it, then stops himself. TOM: Okay, I've been overlooking the spelling errors since scene one, but Cal Crumple Rose's not? CROW: Cameron's so dumb he overlooked the same spelling twice! CAL I have a better idea. MIKE: *CAL* Let's start a Polar Bear Club. CUT TO: 128 INT. HOLD #2 - NIGHT The two stewards enter. They have electric torches and play the beams around the hold. TOM: There's nothing wrong with calling them flashlights, you know. We get the general idea. They spot the Renault with its fogged up rear window and approach it slowly. MIKE: Remember...don't frighten the car, it MAY attack. FROM INSIDE we see the torch light up Rose's passionate handprint, still there on the fogged up glass. One steward whips open the door. STEWARD Got yer! CROW: Nose! REVERSE: the back seat is empty. TOM: *STEWARD* You can't hide forever, Claude Raines! CUT TO: 129 EXT. FORWARD WELL DECK AND CROW'S NEST - NIGHT CROW: What in the Sam Hell are they doing in my room! Rose and Jack, fully dressed, come through a crew door onto the deck. They can barely stand, they are laughing so hard. TOM: Sex = Humor. UP ABOVE THEM, IN THE CROW'S NEST, lookout Fleet hears the disturbance below and looks around and back down to the well deck, where he can see two figures embracing. MIKE: The Iceberg and the ship's hull. TOM: Mike... MIKE: Well I'm getting impatient! Jack and Rose stand in each others arms. TOM: That must take a LOT of muscle endurance. Their breath clouds around them in the now freezing air, but they don't even feel the cold. ROSE When this ship docks, I'm getting off with you. CROW: *JACK* Damn, woman you just did that five minutes ago! JACK This is crazy. ROSE I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it. Jack pulls her to him and kisses her fiercely. TOM: Screenwriting Tip Number 12: When running low on plot, have the two lead characters suck face until the movie's over. 130 IN THE CROW'S NEST Fleet nudges Lee. ALL: *non-committal* Is your wife a goer, know what I mean, say no more. FLEET Cor... look at that, would ya. LEE They're a bloody sight warmer than we are. FLEET Well if that's what it takes for us two to get warm, I'd rather not, if it's all the same. CROW: Ah, so there IS some sanity aboard the good ship Titanic! They both have a good laugh at that one. It is Fleet whose expression falls first. Glancing forward again, he does a double take. The color drains out of his face. MIKE: That's what happens when you don't weatherproof. FLEET'S POV: a massive iceberg right in their path, 500 yards out. CROW: Well it's about damn time! TOM: Two hours in, the movie FINALLY begins. MIKE: *humming the Goldberg entrance theme* TOM and CROW: Ice-berg, Ice-berg, Ice-berg, Ice-berg…. FLEET Bugger me!! MIKE: *LEE* I will most certainly not! Fleet reaches past Lee and rings the lookout bell three times, then grabs the telephone, calling the bridge. He waits precious seconds for it to be picket up, never taking his eyes off the black mass ahead. MIKE: Nell Carter, right ahead! FLEET Pick up, ya bastard. TOM: *FLEET* We have to get in touch with the nearest Merchant Me! CUT TO: 131 INT. / EXT. BRIDGE Inside the enclosed wheelhous, SIXTH OFFICER MOODY walks unhurriedly to the telephone, picking it up. TOM: *tones* MIKE: *James Earl Jones* Welcome to Bell Titanic. FLEET (V.O.) Is someone there? CROW: *MOODY* No, this is the phone talking, OF COURSE SOMEONE'S HERE, YA BIG FEEB! MOODY Yes. What do you see? FLEET Iceberg right ahead! MOODY Thankyou. (hangs up, calls to Murdoch) Iceberg right ahead! MIKE: Ya heard that? *calling* Iceberg right ahead! CROW: *calling* Iceberg right ahead! TOM: *calling* Iceberg right ahead! Murdoch sees it and rushes to the engine room telegraph. While signaling "FULL SPEED ASTERN" he yells to Quartermaster Hitchins, who is at the wheel. MIKE: *HITCHENS* Left hand ten o'clock, right hand two o'clock… MURDOCH Hard a' starboard. MIKE: *HITCHENS* AAAAAH! MOODY (standing behind Hitchins) Hard'a starboard. The helm is hard over, sir. TOM: *MOODY* I DON'T know what that's supposed to mean. CRASH SEQUENCE / SERIES OF CUTS: 132 CHIEF ENGINEER BELL is just checking the soup he has warming on a steam manifold MIKE: You know? Those make lousy stove eyes. Believe me, I've tried it. when the engine telegraph clangs, then goes... incredibly... to FULL SPEED ASTERN. He and the other ENGINEERS just stare at it a second, unbelieving. Then Bell reacts. CROW: After ten full seconds of staring at the wall. TOM: Typical union. BELL Full astern! FULL ASTERN!! TOM: *Howard Stern* Now coming up after the break we'll hear from Hank, the Angry Drunken Dwarf. The engineers and greasers like madmen to close steam valves and start braking the mighty propeller shafts, big as Sequias, to a stop. 133 IN BOILER ROOM SIX, Leading Stoker FREDERICK BARRETT is standing with 2nd Engineer JAMES HESKETH MIKE: You know? That guy's an INSTANT triple word score in Scrabble. when the red warning light and "STOP" indicator come on. CROW: This is the oddest game of "Red light 1 2 3" I've ever seen. BARRETT Shut all dampers! Shut 'em!! MIKE: *BARRETT* Ah, crap I'll do it myself. 134 FROM THE BRIDGE Murdoch watches the burg growing... straight ahead. The bow finally starts to come left (since the ship turns the reverse of the helm setting). MURDOCH'S jaw clenches as the bow turns with agonizing slowness. He holds his breath as the horrible physics play out. CROW: Well, it's not exactly E-5, but I guess it did sink this battleship. 135 IN THE CROW'S NEST Frederick Fleet braces himself. TOM: The British really DO have bad teeth! MIKE: *FLEET* It'll take a me of ships to save us now! 136 THE BOW OF THE SHIP thunders right at CAMERA and-- KRUUUNCH!! The ship hits the berg on its starboard bow. CROW: OOH! Right in the dingy. HA-HA! 137 UNDERWATER we see the ice smashing in the steel hull plates. The iceberg bumps and scrapes along the side of the ship. Rivets pop as the steel plate of the hull flexes under the load. MIKE: 2 minutes to the iceberg for roughing. 138 IN #2 HOLD the two stewards stagger as the hull buckles in four feet with a sound like THUNDER. ALL: *humming the guitar intro to "God of Thunder" by KISS* Like a sledgehammer beating along outside the ship, the berg splits the hull plates and the sea pour in, sweeping them off their feert. The icy water swirls around the Renault as the men scramble for the stairs. MIKE: No! No! The lifeboats are in the boiler room! Everyone head there! 139 ON G-DECK forward Fabrizio is tossed in his bunk by the impact. He hears a sound like the greatly amplified squeal of a skate on ice. TOM: Nah, somebody's just got their Korn CD up full blast. 140 IN BOILER ROOM SIX Barret and Hesketh stagger as they hear the ROLLING THUNDER of the collision. They see the starboard side of the ship buckle in toward them and are almost swept off their feet by a rush of water coming in about two feet above the floor. MIKE: Ah finally the ship is officially sinking! Time to break out the champagne! * pulls out three glasses and a bottle champagne from under the seats* CROW: It's about time! TOM: Yes, it's a morbid moment, but a happy one nonetheless. MIKE: I'll drink to that! TOM: Hey, how long you had that stuff under there, Mike? MIKE: Since I got here. Been saving it for a special occasion. *pours TOM some champagne* Touch of the bubbly, Servo? TOM: Why thank you, Nelson! 141 ON THE FORWARD WELL DECK Jack and Rose break their kiss and look up in astonishment as the berg sails past, blocking out the sky like a mountain. Fragments break off it and crash down onto the deck, and they have to jump back to avoid flying chunks of ice. MIKE: Well it's safe to say that Titanic's final voyage was a wild one! CROW: Better than Jack and Rose's love story by a mile! TOM: Whoo! 142 ON THE BRIDGE Murdoch rings the watertight door alarm. He quicky throws the switch that closes them. MURDOCH Hard a 'port! CROW: Hard a'starbord, hard a'port, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Judging the berg to be amidships, he is trying to clear the stern. 143 BARRETT AND HESKETH hear the DOOR ALARM and scramble through the swirling water to the watertight door between Boiler Rooms 6 and 5. The room is full of water vapor as the cold sea strikes the red hot furnaces. Barrett yells to the stokers scrambling through the door as it comes down like a slow guillotine. MIKE: *Raises glass* To the Titanic! TOM: To Davy Jones' Locker! CROW: To a 90-year-old disaster taught to us by a 101-year-old wreck...NOT! BARRETT Go Lads! Go! Go! He dives through into Boiler Room 5 just before the door rumbles down with a CLANG. 144 JACK AND ROSE rush to the starboard rail in time to see the berg moving aft down the side of the ship. MIKE: *Iceberg* Hey, don't look at me like that, it was YOUR ship that was in the way. 145 In his stateroom, surrounded by piles of plans while making notes in his ever-present book, Andrews looks up at the sound of a cut-crystal light fixture tinkling like a windchime. CROW *Light Fixture* Hey, do ya mind? I'm taking a whiz here! He feels the shudder run through the ship. And we see it in his face. Too much of his soul is in this great ship for him not to feel its mortal wound. 146 IN THE FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM Gracie watches his highball vibrating on the table. CROW: *GRACIE* Damn. Whatever's in this thing, I want a double! 147 IN THE PALM COURT, with its high arched windows, Molly Brown holds up her drink to a passing waiter. MOLLY Hey, can I get some ice here, please? MIKE: Cue sight gag. Silently, a moving wall of ice fills the window behind her. She doesn't see it. It disappears astern. MIKE: Thank you. 148 OMITTED 149 IN THE CROW'S NEST Fleet turns to his Lee... TOM: To HIS Lee? Okay, stop for just one second and let's evaluate their relationship here. FLEET Oy, mate... that was a close shave. LEE Smell ice, can you? Bleedin' Christ! MIKE *Christ* Hey, I bled for your sins, ya big jerk! CROW: Let's get out of here, guys. *THEY GET UP AND HEAD OUT OF THE THEATER* *6...5...4...3...2...1...()==()* *TOM AND CROW ARE ON THE BRIDGE SIPPING FROZEN STRAWBERRY DAQUIRIS, MIKE COMES INTO VIEW* MIKE: *RUBBING HIS BACK* Is this a tough one or what? CROW: Tell me about it. TOM: Hey, relax, Mike. Have a frozen daquiri. MIKE: Really? Ooh, strawberry. *HE PICKS UP THE DAQUIRI AND STARTS SIPPING* You know, fellas. I just doesn't get any better than this. CROW: You said it, compadre! TOM: I second that emotion. *SUDDENLY THE SHIP ROCKS VIOLENTLY, ROCKING TOM AND CROW BACK AND FORTH AND, UNFORTUNATELY, SPILLING THE COCKTAILS GYPSY WALKS ONSCREEN* GYPSY: Nothing to worry about you three. We've struck an Iceberg, the Nanites are assessing the damage. TOM: An Iceberg? UP HERE!? GYPSY: I don't believe it either, but there you go. MIKE: This is too odd. Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9. *OUTSIDE THE SOL. WE SEE AN ICEBERG SETTLED NEXT TO THE SOL, THE SOL HAS SOME SNOW ON TOP OF IT, INDICATING THERE WAS A COLLISION* MIKE: Wow. Look at it. TOM: Really makes you feel insignificant next to nature, doesn't it? CROW: Think of how many frozen daquiris that sucker could make! MIKE: Yeah...*A PAUSE, THEN GLANCES AT CROW* *GYPSY APPEARS ONSCREEN AGAIN* GYPSY: Containment forcefields are in place. Oh, and just thought I'd tell you. Short-range sensors have picked up a small spacecraft headed straight for us at docking speed. MIKE: Thanks, Gyps. Man, this has turned out to be a very weird day. CROW; Think we'll sink like in the movie? MIKE: Crow, we're in space, I doubt there's a possibility of flooding. GYPSY: The small spacecraft is entering visual range. MIKE: Oh. Let's go to the Hexfield. *THE HEXFIELD OPENS, A MERCEDES BENZ WITH TWO LIT CIGARS FOR ENGINES COMES VERY CLOSE TO THE SOL* CROW: Wow, a Mercedes. For us?? MIKE: We'll have to see… *THERE'S A SLOW RUMBLE. SOON A MAN (PAUL CHAPLIN) IN A SUIT AND TIE AND HOLDING A BRIEFCASE COMES OUT FROM THE DOOR BEHIND THEM* MAN: Hello, my name is Arthur Tinker of Tinker, Evers and Chance law firm. I am the legal representative for a Mr. I.C. Berg. TOM: I.C. Berg? TINKER: Yes, Mr. Berg is my client, the one you have just struck. CROW: I don't believe this! TINKER: May I ask who the owner of this vehicle is? MIKE: Umm…that would be me. Mike Nelson, Hi. Look, we were reading a script, we had no idea... *TINKER HANDS MIKE A SHEET OF PAPER* TINKER: It is my duty to inform you that my client, Mr. Berg has opted to seek legal action in this suit. The charges are quite clear. Mr. Berg is suing you for reckless driving and physical damages. *A QUICK CUT OF THE SOL EXTERIOR. THE ICEBERG IS NOW WRAPPED IN BANDAGES* TINKER: *NOTICING THE DAQUIRIS* Oh, and I believe we can add drunk driving to the list of charges. MIKE: Could you hold on a second? TINKER: Of course. MIKE: *LEANING IN TOWARDS THE CAMERA* Pearl? You there?? *CASTLE FORRESTER, PEARL HAS A MAGNIFYING GLASS AND BOBO IS TRYING TO REGURGITATE* PEARL: Just a minute, Tony. *LOOKS AT BOBO* Monkey? I know I'll regret asking, but what are you doing? BOBO: Oh, Lawgiver, I'm looking for Brain Guy's brain! Maybe I ate it. PEARL: *SHUDDERS, THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE SCREEN* What's up? *SOL, MR TINKER IS WRITING IN SOME LEGAL DOCUMENTS* MIKE: Well, we hit an Iceberg, now we're being sued. PEARL: *CHEERY* Ooh! How charming! In all my years of mad science I NEVER considered bringing lawyers into this. Hey, you've got Mr. Tinker! I've heard of him. They call him The Barracuda. You guys are screwed. *SHE STARTS MUNCHING ON SOME NILLA WAFERS* This is gonna be so good! *SOL* MIKE: Thanks for your help, Pearl. Not. *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: You're welcome. Back to the theater, you three! *SOL, TINKER HANDS MIKE A SUMMONS* TINKER: I think the 25th would be a suitable date? TOM: Mike! I've got an idea *LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR* MIKE: Good idea. Hey, Mr. Tinker, we're in the middle of reading the script to James Cameron's "Titanic". Wanna come watch it with us? TINKER: *FILLING OUT SOME LEGAL DOCUMENTS* As much as I'd like to, Mr. Nelson, I have so much work to do. MIKE: Darn, almost had ya. *MOVIE SIGN* ALL: AND WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!! *USUAL PANIC, THEY RUN BACK TO THE THEATER, MR. TINKER IS STILL WORKING ON HIS LEGAL DOCUMENTS* *()==()...1...2...3...4...5...6...* CUT TO: 150 INT. / EXT. BRIDGE *MIKE AND THE BOTS COME BACK IN, THEY SIT DOWN* MIKE: Sued? This day has just been one crappy event after another. CLOSE ON MURDOCH. The alarm bells still clatter mindlessly, seeming to reflect his inner state. He is in shock, unable to get a grip on what just happened. He just ran the biggest ship in history into an iceberg on its maiden voyage. CROW: Mr. Murdoch! You just ran the biggest ship in history into an iceberg on its maiden voyage…WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO NEXT?? TOM: *MURDOCH* I'M GOING TO MY DEATH! WHOOOOO!!!! MURDOCH (stiffly, to Moody) Note the time. Enter it in the log. Captain Smith rushes out of his cabin onto the bridge, tucking in his shirt. MIKE: *SMITH* Did I..uh...miss something? SMITH What was that, Mr. Murdoch? MURDOCH An iceberg, sir. I put her hard a' starboard and run the engines full astern, but it was too close. I tried to port around it, but she hi... and I-- CROW: *MURDOCH* ...backed right into it. SMITH Close the emergency doors. MURDOCH The doors are closed. TOM: *SMITH* D'oh! Together they rush out onto the starboard wing, and Murdoch points. Smith looks into the darkness aft, then wheels around to FOURTH OFFICER BOHALL. TOM: Isn't it kinda late to add another character to this movie? MIKE: Oh, you know them. They just have ACRES of money to blow, so they can afford it. SMITH Find the Carpenter and get him to sound the ship. CROW: *SMITH* Three hour tour my butt. CUT TO: 151 INT. G-DECK FORWARD In steerage, Fabrizio comes out into the hall to see what's going on. He sees dozens of rats running toward him in the corridor, fleeing the flooding bow. Fabrizio jumps aside as the rats run by. TOM: *Rat* Outta the way, we hear the Pied Piper's in the cargo bay! FABRIZIO Ma-- che cazzo! CROW: Gezundheit. 152 IN HIS STATEROOM Tommy gets out of his top bunk in the dark and drops down to the floor. SPLASH!! TOM: You know, that's a lousy place to put a pool. TOMMMY Cor!! What in hell--?! MIKE: *TOMMY* My name has TWO M's, why in the bloody hell is there THREE? He naps on the light. The floor is covered with 3 inches of freezing water, and more coming in. He pulls the door open, and steps out into the corridor, which is flooded. Fabrizio is running toward him, yelling something in Italian. Tommy and Fabrizio start pounding on doors, getting everybody up and out. The alarm spreads in several languages. TOM: That nobody understands. CUT TO: 153 INT. FIRST CLASS CORRIDOR / A-DECK A couple of people have come out into the corridor in robes and slippers. A STeWARD hurries along, reassuring them. CROW: *scared* OH NO, TORGO'S IN THIS FILM!!! MIKE: PrOCeEd CaLMly... tO...tHe... LiFEboAts... CROW: AAAAAAAAHHHH! MIKE: Sorry, Crow! WOMAN Why have the engines stopped? I felt a shudder? STEWARD #1 I shouldn't worry, m'am. We've likely thrown a propeller blade, that's the shudder you felt. May I bring you anything? MIKE: How about some NyQuil? It's the sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy-head fever, we're-all gonna-die medicine. THOMAS ANDREWS brushes past them, walking fast and carrying an armload of rolled up ship's plans. CROW: Ah, he's going to save them all by building another boat! Good thinking! CUT TO: 154 EXT. FORWARD WELL DECK Jack and Rose are leaning over the starboard rail, looking at the hull of the ship. JACK Looks okay. I don't see anything. ROSE Could it have damaged the ship? TOM: Oh, I dunno, something that big hitting the ship at such speed....OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO DAMAGE THE SHIP!!!! MIKE: Easy, Tom. JACK It didn't seem like much of a bump. I'm sure we're okay. TOM: Look, ARNIE, when you get a degree in nautical engineering we'll let you judge damage to iron hulls, but until then, SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE! Behind them a couple of steerage guys are kicking the ice around the deck, laughing. CROW: NFL Kickers in training. CUT TO: 155 INT. STEERAGE FORWARD Fabrizio and Tommy are in a crowd of steerage men clogging the corridors, heading aft away from the flooding. Many of them have grabbed suitcases and duffel bags, some of which are soaked. TOMMY If this is the direction the rats were runnin', it's good enough for me. TOM: Mike? Why are we watching stupid people? CUT TO: 156 INT. CORRIDOR ON B DECK Bruce Ismay, dressed in pajamas under the topcoat, CROW: Ismay After Dark, Whoo! MIKE: Play on, Playboy. hurries down the corridor, headed for the bridge. An officious steward named BARNES comes along the other direction, getting the few concerned passengers back into their rooms. STEWARD BARNES There's no cause for alarm. Please, go back to your rooms. TOM: This is not an order, merely a suggestion. He is stopped in his tracks by Cal and Lovejoy. STEWARD BARNES Please, sir. There's no emergency-- CROW: Yet. CAL Yes there is, I have been robbed. Now get the Master at Arms. Now you moron! MIKE: Awww...now you hurt Barnes' feewings! CUT TO: 157 INT. BRIDGE / CHARTROOM C.U. CAPTAIN SMITH studying the commutator. CROW: I don't know what that is, but I bet it accesses porn. TOM: Smith likes good ankle pictures to keep him warm on those cold nights at sea. MIKE: Really? I would have figured him for a shoulder man. He turns to Andrews, standing behind him. CROW: *SMITH, nervous* Whatever you saw, I wasn't playing with my Titanic action figures! SMITH A five degree list in less than ten minutes. SHIP'S CARPENTER JOHN HUTCHINSON enters behind him, out of breath and clearly unnerved. TOM: *SMITH* You okay, Hutchison, ya only ran 15 feet! HUTCHINSON She's making water fast... in the forepeak tank and the forward holds, in boiler room six. MIKE: *HUTCHNSON* Which could mean either one or two things. Either we're sinking or the boat's got a urinary tract problem. ISMAY enters, his movements quick with anger and frustration. Smith glances at him with annoyance. ISMAY Why have we stopped? SMITH We've struck ice. ALL: *singing* Well the next thing ya know, ol' Smith's a millionaire, kinfolk say "Smith, move away from there", they said "Californy is the place ya oughtta be" so they loaded up Titanic and they moved to Beverly….Hills that is. Swimmin' Pools, Movie Stars. ISMAY Well, do you think the ship is seriously damaged? SMITH (glaring) Excuse me. MIKE: While I kiss the sky. Smith pushes past him, with Andrews and Hutchinson in tow. TOM: Undertow, I hope. CUT TO: 158 INT. BOILER ROOM 6 Strokers and firemen are struggling to draw the fires. CROW: I bet they are, hehe. They are working in waist deep water churning around as it flows into the boiler room, ice cold and swirling with grease from the machinery. Chief Engineer Bell comes partway down the ladder and shouts. TOM: *BELL* I INVENTED IT! AND IT RINGS! BELL That's it, lads. Get the hell up! They scramble up the escape ladders. MIKE: *BELL* Move it, boys! This way out of the script! TOM: Hey, wait for us! CUT TO: 159 EXT. B-DECK FORWARD / WELL DECK The gentlemen, now joined by another man, leans on the forward rail watching the steerage men playing soccer with chunks of ice. CROW: GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!! GENTLEMAN I guess it's nothing too serious. I'm going back to my cabin to read. A 20ish YALE MAN pops through the door wearing a topcoat over pajamas. YALEY Say, did I miss the fun? TOM: Wait a sec....Rose is telling the whole story, right? So how does she know this scene's happening when she's nowhere near it? MIKE: Tom….thought? Rose and Jack come up the steps from the well deck, which are right next to the three men. ALL; THE THREE AMIGOS! They stare as the couple climbs over the locked gate. ALL: *totally bored with this gag* Sleep. A moment later Captain Smith rounds the corner, followed by Andrews and Carpenter Hutchinson. MIKE: But from the outside comes Liberty Bell down the stretch followed by You Sunk My Titanic and it's Liberty Bell by a nose! They have come down from the bridge by the outside stairs. The three men, their faces grim, crush right past Jack and Rose. Andrews barely glances at her. SMITH Can you shore up? ALL: YOU shore up! HUTCHINSON Not unless the pumps get ahead. The inspection party goes down the stairs to the well deck. JACK (low, to her) It's bad. TOM: *JACK* It's nationwide. ROSE We have to tell Mother and Cal. JACK Now it's worse. ROSE Come with me, Jack. I jump, you jump... Right? CROW: *ROSE* So jump already. JACK Right. Jack follows Rose through the door inside the ship. MIKE *Pointing the opposite direction of where Jack and Rose are walking* Um...The break in the hull happened over that way. The sooner one of you dies the sooner we can get out of here. CUT TO: 160 INT. B-DECK FOYER / CORRIDOR Jack and Rose cross the foyer, entering the corridor. Lovejoy is waiting for them in the hall as they approach the room. LOVEJOY We've been looking for you miss. CROW: Look, we've been missing you. MIKE: Miss, we've been looking for. TOM: Been miss looking you for? Lovejoy follows and, unseen, moves close behind Jack and smoothly slips the diamond necklace into the pocket of his overcoat. CROW: Oh, that's nice of him, he's giving Jack a peace offering. TOM: Or in Rose's case, a PIECE offering. CUT TO: 161 INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE Cal and Ruth wait in the sitting room, along with the Master at Arms and two stewards (Steward #1 and Barnes). Silence as Rose and Jack enter. Ruth closes her robe at her throat when she sees Jack. TOM: Was that supposed to be an insult? MIKE: I know the rest of this script was. *sigh* ROSE Something serious has happened. TOM: *ROSE* Suddenly Susan just got renewed for another season! CAL That's right. Two things dear to me have disappeared this evening. MIKE: *Groucho Marx* Guess which two and win five thousand dollars. Now that one is back... CROW: *CAL* My chastity belt… (he looks from Rose to Jack) ... I have a pretty good idea where to fine the other. (to Master at Arms) Search him. The Master at Arms steps up to Jack. MIKE: C'mon, you wanna go Romeo? I'll kick your ass, come on! MASTER AT ARMS Coat off, mate. TOM: *JACK* Hey, I barely know you! Lovejoy pulls at Jack's coat and Jack shakes his head in dismay, shrugging out of it. The Master at Arms pats him down. CROW: *JACK, giggling * JACK This is horseshit. ROSE Cal, you can't be serious! We're in the middle of an emergency and you-- Steward Barnes pulls the Heart of the Ocean out of the pocket of Jack's coat. MIKE: I really hope Steward isn't his first name, I mean, with a name like Steward your career options are somewhat limited. TOM: Who cares? He's gonna die anyway. You DO make a good point, though. STEWARD BARNES Is this it? Rose is stunned. Needless to say, so is Jack. CROW: Let that be a lesson. NEVER lick a taser. CAL That's it. MASTER AT ARMS Right then. Now don't make a fuss. TOM: *David Warjner* This won't hurt a bit, Nancy... He starts to handcuff Jack. MIKE: You have the right to remain adorable, if you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in Seventeen magazine. JACK Don't you believe it, Rose. Don't! ROSE (uncertain) He couldn't have. CAL Of course he could. Easy enough for a professional. He memorized the combination when you opend the safe. MIKE: The combination is 1-2-3-4-5. TOM: That's funny, I have the same combination on my luggage! CROW: The Spaceballs sketch, ladies and gentlemen! FLASHBACK: Rose at the safe, looking in the mirror and meeting Jack's eyes as he stands behind her, watching. TOM: *ROSE, softly* Candyman…. ROSE But I was with him the whole time. ALL: *sigh* We know… CAL (just to her, low and cold) Maybe he did it while you were putting your clothes back on. MIKE: I sense a bad vibe here, fellas. TOM: The tension is thick enough to cut with a spork! JACK They put it in my pocket! LOVEJOY (holding Jack's coat) It's not even your pocket, son. CROW: It's Alanis Morrisette's (reading) "Property of A. L. Ryerson". Lovejoy shows the coat to the Master at Arms. There is a label inside the collar with the owner's name. MIKE: I expect Mr. Made of 30 percent wool and 70 percent cotton will want his coat back. MASTER AT ARMS That was reported stolen today. TOM :*Master at Arms* From a Man who fell off the ship 3 hours ago. JACK I was going to return it! Rose-- Rose feels utterly betrayed, hurt and confused. She shrinks away from him. He starts shouting to her as Lovejoy and the Master at Arms drag him out into the hall. She can't look him in the eye. CROW: Did an exerpt from the J. Peterman Catalogue just happen? JACK Rose, don't listen to them... I didn't do this! You know I didn't! You know it! She is devastated. Her mother lays a comforting hand on her shoulder as te tears well up. RUTH Why do women believe men? ? TOM: *Frank Gorshin* Riddle me this, Batman! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! CUT TO: 162 INT. MAIL SORTING ROOM / HOLD Smith and Andrews come down the steps to the Mail Sorting Room and finds the clerks scrambling to pull mail from the racks. They are furiously hauling wet sacks of mail up from the hold below. CROW: I have a renewed respect for postal workers now. I mean, it's hard enough sending these sacks of mail to Santa, how do the guys that have to haul the mail to God DO it? MIKE: Well, if you ask me, this script's a sack of something else. Andrews climbs partway down the stairs to the hold, which is almost full. Sacks of mail float everywhere. TOM: *French Accent* Savior Faire is everywhere! MIKE: They said "Sacks of mail" TOM: Oh! Oh.... The lights are still on below the surface, casting an eerie glow. The Renault is visible under the water, the brass glinting cheerfully. Andrews looks down as the water covers his shoe, and scrambles back up the stairs. CROW: MOMMY! MOMMY! THE WATER TRIED TO HURT ME!! CUT TO: 163 INT. BRIDE / CHARTROOM Andrews unrolls a big drawing of the ship across the chartroom table. It is a side elevation, showing all the watertight bulkheads. His hands are shaking. Murdoch and Ismay hover behind Andrews and the Captain. TOM and MIKE: *Murdoch and Ismay, eerie* Are you the Keymaster?… ISMAY When can we get underway, do you think? Smith glares at him and turns his attention to Andrews' drawing. CROW: Which, for some reason is completely in crayon. The builder points to it for emphasis as he talks. ANDREWS Water 14 feet above the keel in ten minutes... in the forepeak... in all three holds... and in boiler room six. MIKE: *ANDREWS* We'll run a standard audible. Ismay, you fake right, Smith, you go for a button-hook pass into the end-zone. SMITH That's right. TOM: *SMITH* You get a cookie. ANDREWS Five compartments. She can stay afloat with the first four compartments breached. MIKE: Oh great, more musings from Mr. I-Know-More-Than-You-About-This-Damn-Boat. But not five. CROW: Now the men... Not five. MIKE: Now just the ladies… As she goes down by the head the water will spill over the tops of the bulkheads... at E Deck... from one to the next... back and back. There's no stopping it. CROW: So now he thinks he's Scotty. TOM: *Scotty* Ah canna keep 'er afloat much longer, Captain! Ah' don't have the powerrrrrr! SMITH The pumps-- MIKE: Fit him so well for a man of his girth. ANDREWS The pumps buy you time... but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder. TOM: *SMITH* I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. CROW: *Michael Palin* NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! ISMAY But this ship can't sink! ANDREWS She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty. MIKE: I can imagine Ismay paling out the water long after the ship's sunk to the bottom. Smith looks like he has been gutpunched. SMITH How much time? ANDREWS An hour, two at most. CROW: *Ferris Bueller* This is where Ismay freaks out. Ismay reels as his dream turns into his worst nightmare. TOM: So he's trapped in an elevator that plays nothing but Starland Vocal Band songs? SMITH And how many aboard, Mr. Murdoch? MURDOCH Two thousand two hundred souls aboard, sir. MIKE: *MURDOCH* And not a single shoe fits. CROW: An obvious joke, but a crucial one. MIKE: Preach it, Brother Crow. A long beat. Smith turns to his employer. TOM: *SMITH* I would like to take this opportunity to inform you, sir that you suck. SMITH I believe you may get your headlines, Mr. Ismay. CROW: See ship. MIKE: See ship sink. TOM: Sink, ship, sink. CUT TO: 164 EXT. BOAT DECK MIKE: Oh there's ALWAYS a party happening here. Andrews is striding along the boat deck, as seamen and officers scurry to uncover the boats. Steam is venting from pipes on the funnes overhead, and the din is horrendous. Speech is difficult adding to the crew's level of disorganization. Andrews sees some men fumbling with the mechanism of one of the Wellin davits and yells to them over the roar of steam. ANDREWS Turn to the right! Pull the falls taut before you unchock. Have you never had a boat drill? CROW: *lisping* Not with MY thighs! SEAMAN No sir! Not with these new davits, sir. He looks around, disguisted as the crew fumble with the davits, and the tackle for the "falls"... the ropes which are used to lower the boats. MIKE: I wouldn't trust these guys to operate an I-Mac. A few passengers are coming out on deck, hesitantly in the noise and bitter cold. CUT TO: 165 INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE From inside the sitting room they can hear knocking and voices in the corridor. TOM: saying "Welcome to the Hotel California". RUTH I had better go dress. Ruth exits and Hockley crosses to Rose. He regards her coldly for a moment, then SLAPS her across the face. CROW: *CAL* THAT was for Sense and Sensibility! It had neither! CAL It is a little slut, isn't it? To Rose the blow is inconsequential compared to the blow her heart has been given. MIKE: But don't worry, it'll go on. Cal grabs her shoulders roughly. CAL Look at me, you little-- There is a loud knock on the door and an urgent voice. MIKE: *voice from outside* Land Shark…. The door opens and their steward puts his head in. STEWARD BARNES Sir, I've been told to ask you to please put on your lifebelt, and come up to the boat deck. CROW: Hey, it's this guy! TOM: This guy rules! CAL Get out. We're busy. The steward persists, coming in to get the lifebelts down from the top of a dresser. CROW: Don't take no crap from nobody, that's the Steward Barnes we know and love! STEWARD I'm sorry about the inconvenience, Mr. Hockley, but it's Captain's orders. Please dress warmly, it's quite cold tonight. MIKE: You're right Tom, this guy does rule. Already he's the most developed character in the script. (he hands a lifebelt to Rose) Not to worry, miss, I'm sure it's just a precaution. TOM: Steward Barnes…the glue that holds this whole script together. CAL This is ridiculous. MIKE: No, that haircut's ridiculous, this is a life jacket. In the corridor outside the stewards are being so polite and obsequious they are conveying no sense of danger whatsoever. However, it's another story in... TOM: ...another James Cameron film. CUT TO: 166 INT. STEERAGE BERTHING AFT BLACKNESS. Then BANG! CROW: Diamond Cutter! The door is thrown open and the lights snapped on by a steward. The Cartmell family rouses from a sound sleep. STEWARD #2 Everybody up. Let's go. Put your lifebelts on. IN THE CORRIDOR outside, another steward is going from door to door along the hall, pouncing and yelling. TOM: He's not as good as Barnes. MIKE: Who is? STEWARD #2 Lifebelts on. Lifebelts on. Everybody up, come on. Lifebelts on... CROW: See? That's why he's Steward number 2. He's the backup Steward if Steward Barnes can no longer fulfill his duties due to injury or death and stuff. People come out of the doors behind the steward, perplexed. In the foreground a SYRIAN WOMAN asks her husband what was said. He shrugs. TOM: He just want to get to America so he can continue hating the Jews. CUT TO: 167 INT. WIRELESS ROOM MIKE: I prefer a Cellular Room, personally. Sure, the service rates are Hell but you can take it anywhere. ON PHILLIPS, looking shocked. PHILLIPS CQD, sir? SMITH That's right. The distress call. CQD. Tell whoever responds that we are going down by the head and need immediate assistance. TOM: *SMITH* If anybody's got an extra boat, ask if we could borrow it. Smith hurries out. MIKE: *SMITH* Chimichangas kicking in….. PHILLIPS Blimey. MIKE: *PHILLIPS* I say Blimey cuz I'm English. Now where's my me screwdriver? BRIDE Maybe you ought to try that new distress call... S.O.S. (grinning) TOM: He really should be blushing. It may be our only chance to use it. Phillips laughs in spite of himself and starts sending history's first S.O.S. Dit dit dit, da da da, dit dit dit... over and over. CROW: Great, now I'm gonna get that stuck in my head. CUT TO: 168 EXT. BOAT DECK Thomas Andrews looks around in amazement. The deck is empty except for the crew fumbling with the davits. He yells over the roar of the steam to First Officer Murdoch. ANDREWS Where are all the passengers? MURDOCH They've all gone back inside. Too damn cold and noisy for them. TOM: *ANDREWS* Fine, let them drown. Andrews feels like he is in a bad dream. He looks at his pocketwatch TOM: I'm Ted Nugent. CROW: I'm Morely Safir. MIKE: I'm Julian Lennon. TOM: All this and Andy Rooney, next on 60 Minutes. and heads for the foyer entrance. CUT TO: 169 INT. A-DECK FOYER A large number of First Class passengers have gathered near the staircase. They are getting indignant about the confusion. Molly Brown snags a passing YOUNG STEWARD. ALL: GAAH! CROW: Of all the fat chicks on all the sinking boats…. TOM: I'm blind! MOLLY What's doing, sonny? You've got us all trussed up and now we're cooling our heels. The young steward backs away, actually stumbling on the stairs. YOUNG STEWARD Sorry, mum. Let me go and find out. MIKE: Good thinking Steward, run from her as fast as your little legs can take you! The jumpy piano rhythm of "Alexander's Ragtime Band" comes out of the first class lounge a few yards away. Band leader WALLACE HARTLEY has assembled some of his men on Captain's orders, to allay panic. TOM: Well, I guess if you're gonna have a cacophony, it might as well be a happy one. Hockley's entourage comes up to the A-deck foyer. Cal is carrying the lifebelts, almost as an afterthought. CROW: *CAL* Yo...check out mah posse. Rose is like a sleepwalker. CAL It's just the God damned English doing everything by the book. RUTH There's no need for language, Mr. Hockley. MIKE: *RUTH* And by that I mean shut up. (to Trudy) Go back and turn the heater on in my room, so it won't be too cold when we get back. Thomas Andrews enters, looking around the magnificent room, which he knows is doomed. Rose, standing nearby, sees his heartbroken expression. She walks over to him and Cal goes CROW: tumbling... after her. ROSE I saw the iceberg, Mr. Andrews. And I see it in your eyes. Please tell me the truth. ANDREWS The ship will sink. ROSE You're certain? ANDREWS Yes. In an hour or so... all this... will be at the bottom of the Atlantic. MIKE: *Terry Jones* What, the curtains? CAL My God. MIKE: *Dave Bowman* It's full of stars! Now it is Cal's turn to look stunned. The Titanic? Sinking? TOM: The casting? Poor? MIKE: The writing? Overblown? CROW: The drama? Nonexistant? ANDREWS Please tell only who you must, I don't want to be responsible for a panic. And get to a boat quickly. Don't wait. You remember what I told you about the boats? ROSE Yes, I understand. Thank you. Andrews goes off, moving among the passengers and urging them to put on their lifebelts and get to the boats. MIKE: Lifebelts: making your trip to the bottom a whole lot faster. CUT TO: 170 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE Lovejoy and the Master at Arms are handcuffing Jack to a 4" WATER PIPE as a crewman rushes in anxiously and almost blurts to the Master at Arms-- MIKE: The ending of the movie? TOM: The meaning of life? CROW: The recipe for McDonald's special sauce? MIKE: I used to work at Mickey D's, the sauce ain't that special. CROW: Ah. CREWMAN You're wanted by the Purser, sir. Urgently. LOVEJOY Go on. I'll keep an eye on him. CROW: With a name like yours, we trust you. Lovejoy pulls a pearl handled Colt .45 automatic from under his coat. MIKE: And the handle goes "NELSOOOOOOON!!!" Get it? Pearl-handled… TOM: That was really bad, Mike. I mean that, P.U. The Master at Arms nods and tosses the handcuff key to Lovejoy, then exits with the crewman. Lovejoy flips the key in the air. Catches it. ALL: Bravo! CROW: *James Cameron* Thank you, now watch me pull a plot development out of my butt! CUT TO: 171 INT. BRIDGE Junior Wireless Operator Bride is relaying a message to Captain Smith from the CUNARD LINER CARPATHIA. TOM: *BRIDE* When I told them we were the Titanic they laughed and went to bed, sir. BRIDE Carpathia says they're making 17 knots, full steam for them, sir. CROW: *BRIDE* However, they're doing it in reverse. SMITH And she's the only one who's responding? BRIDE The only one close, sir. She says they can be here in four hours. SMITH Four hours! The enormity of it hits Smith like a sledgehammer blow. MIKE: *British Accent* Sorry, Sir I thought you were a railroad spike. CROW: Good one! MIKE: Had to make up for that pearl-handled revolver joke. SMITH Thank you, Bride. He turns as Bride exits, CROW: There goes the Bride. and looks out onto the blackness. SMITH (to himself) My God. MIKE: *Dave Bowman* It's full of stars! TOM: Okay Mike, once is enough. CUT TO: 172 EXT. BOAT DECK - NIGHT Lightoller has his boats swung out. He is standing amidst a crowd of uncertain passengers in all states of dress and undress. One first class woman is barefoot. MIKE:...and pregnant. Others are in stockings. The maitre of the restaurant is in top hat and overcoat. CROW: I shudder to think what's NOT underneath. Others are still in evening dress, while some are in bathrobes and kimonos. Women are wearing lifebelts over velvet gowns, then topping it with sble stoles. Some brought jewels, others books, even small dogs. TOM: Oh, it's a potluck sinking! Lightoller sees Smith walking stiffly toward him and quickly goes to him. He yells into the Captain's ear, through cupped hands, over the roar of the steam... CROW: *LIGHTOLLER* YOU FORGOT TO PUT YOUR PANTS ON, SIR! LIGHTOLLER Hadn't we better get the women and children into the boats, sir? Smith just nods, a bit abstractly. The fire has gone out of him. Lightoller sees the awesome truth in Smith's face. MIKE: He's Darth Maul. LIGHTOLLER (to the men) Right! Start the loading. Women and children! The appalling din of escaping steam abruptly cuts off, leaving a sudden unearthly silence in which Lightoller's voice echoes. CROW: The New York State lotto jackpot is now. ON WALLACE HARTLEY raising his violin to play. HARTLEY Number 26. Ready and-- MIKE: Splurge! The band has reassembled just outside the First Class Entrance, port side, near where Lightoller is calling for the boats to be loaded. They strike up a waltz, lively and elegant. The music wafts all over the ship. TOM: The irony is impeccable. LIGHTOLLER Ladies, please. Step into the boat. Finally one soman steps across the gap, into the boat, terrified of the drop to the water far below. WOMAN IN CROWD You watch. They'll put us off in these silly little boats to freeze, and we'll all be back on board by breakfast. CROW: Considering you know how to swim down a thousand miles of bitter cold ocean, the ship's yours, lady. Cal, Rose and Ruth come out of the doors near the band. RUTH My brooch, I left my brooch. I must have it! TOM: Once more into the brooch! She turns back to go to her room but Cal takes her by the arm, refusing to let her go. The firmness of his hold surprises her. CROW: Suplex? TOM: Half-nelson? MIKE: I'm not sure if those are the types of moves Cal would put on Rose, holding her like that. I'd put her in the figure four. CAL Stay here, Ruth. TOM: *CAL* I'm going to see if the snack bar is out of Caramello. Ruth sees his expression, and knows fear for the first time. CROW: How can this guy induce any fear when he was prancing around like a flaming homo in a purple suit in a previous movie? CUT TO: 173 INT. STEERAGE BERTHING AFT / CORRIDORS AND STAIRWELL It is chaos, with stewards pushing their way through narrow corridors clogged with peopel carrying suitcases, duffel bags, children. MIKE: That's a funny one, throwing your children into the luggage cart. CROW: Parents should take this passage more seriously. Some have lifebelts on, others don't. STEWARD #2 (to Steward #3) I told the stupid sods no luggage. Aw, bloody hell! He throws up his hand at the sight of a family, loaded down with cases and bags, completely blocking the corridor. TOM: *STEWARD 2* Talk to the hand! Fabrizio and Tommy push past the stewards, going the other way. They rech a huge crowd gathered at the bottom of the MAIN 3RD CLASS STAIRWELL. Fabrizio spots Helga with the rest of the Dahl family, standing patiently with suitcases in hand. He reaches her and she grins, hugging him. MIKE: She's not hugging him, she's trying to crush his spinal column. Tommy pushes to where he can see what's holding up the group. There is a steel gate across the top of the stairs, with several stewards and seamen on the other side. STEWARD Stay calm, please. It's not time to go up to the boats yet. TOM: *German Accent* Now is ze time on Titanic ven ve dance! *starts humming the "Sprockets" theme* Near Tommy, an IRISHWOMAN stands stoically with two small children and their battered luggage. LITTLE BOY What are we doing, mummy? CROW: It's called "drowning", kid. WOMAN We're just waiting, dear. When they fiish putting First Class people in the boats, they'll be startin' with us, and we'll want to be all ready, won't we? TOM: Ho yeah, they're dead. No doubt about it. CUT TO: 174 EXT. STARBOARD SIDE Boat 7 is less than half full, with 28 aboard a boat made for 65. MIKE: Oh jeez, and me without my calculator. FIRST OFFICER MURDOCH Lower away! By the left and right together, stady lads! The boat lurches as the falls start to pay out through the pulley blocks. The women gasp. The boat descends, swaying and jerking, toward the water 60 feet below. The passengers are terrified. TOM: And I'm willing to bet it's more fun than any Six Flags' theme park. CUT TO: 175 EXT. / INT. TITANIC HULL AND MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE TRACKING along the rows of portholes angling down into the water. Under the surface, they glow green. PUSHING IN on one porthole which is have submerged. CROW: Oh, That's it! I've had enough with the typos in this script! It just goes to show that Hollywood so-called "Screenwriters" have no grammar skills whatsoever! When we get outta here I'm giving them a piece of my mind so help me God! MIKE: Crow, Crow, calm down. CROW: Why should I? This is horrible! MIKE: Just...please...alright? Inside we see Jack, looking apprehensively at the water risng up the glass. CROW: He's doomed, we all know that. NEXT SCENE PLEASE! INSIDE THE MASTER AT ARMS' OFFICE Jack sits chained to the waterpipe, next to the porthole. Lovejoy sits on the edge of a desk. He puts a .45 bullet on the desk and watches it roll across and fall off. He picks up the bullet. LOVEJOY You know... I believe this ship may sink. MIKE: More intelligent dialogue, folks. (crosses to Jack) I've been asked to give you this small token of our appreciation... He punches Jack hard in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. ALL: Yes! CROW: Lovejoy speaks for all of us! LOVEJOY Compliments of Mr. Caledon Hockley. Lovejoy flips the handcuff key in the air, catches it and puts it in his pocket. He exits. Jack is left gasping, handcuffed to the pipe. CROW: He's better than dead. NEXT SCENE! CUT TO: 176 EXT. BOAT DECK / STARBOARD SIDE, FORWARD At the stairwell rail on the bridge wing, Fourth Officer Boxhall and Quartermaster Rowe light the first distress rocket. It shoots into the sky and EXPLODES with a thunderclap over the ship, sending out white starbursts which light up the entire deck as they fall. TOM: Now in tropical flavors. WHIP PAN off the starbursts to Ismay. The Managing Director of White Star Line is cracking. MIKE: See? ALWAYS Weatherproof! Already at the breaking point from his immense guilt, the rocket panics him. TOM: Strange, I always thought V-2s were kinda cute. He starts shouting at the officers struggling with the falls of BOAT 5. ISMAY There is no time to waste! MIKE: Looks like someone's an awful big hurry to go "Kroger-ing". (yelling and waving his arms) Lower away! Lower away! Lower away! FIFTH OFFICER LOWE, a baby-faced 28, and the youngest officer, looks up from the tangled falls at the madman. TOM: Charles Manson, you little rascal! What are you up to now? LOWE Get out of the way, you fool! ISMAY Do you know who I am? Lowe, not having a clue nor caring, squares up to Ismay. LOWE You're a passenger. And I'm a ship's bloody officer. Now do what you're told! LOWE (CONT'D) (turning away) Steady men! Stand by the falls! ISMAY (numbly, backing away) Yes, quite right. Sorry. TOM: What just happened there? MIKE: Don't try to think, you'll blow a gear. TOM: Yes, quite right. Sorry. CUT TO: 177 EXT. BOAT DECK / PORT SIDE SECOND OFFICER LIGHTOLLER is loading the boat nearest Cal and Rose... Boat 6. CROW: The FUNNEST boat in the Maritimes! LIGHTOLLER Women and children only! Sorry sir, no men yet. Another rocket bursts overhead, lighting the crowd. Startled faces turn upward. Fear now in the eyes. MIKE: I wonder what would happen if somebody suddenly yelled "Surge". DANIEL MARVIN has his Biograph camera set up, cranking away... hoping to get an exposure off the rocket's light. he has Mary posed in front of the scene at the boats. TOM: NUDE!? MIKE: No, Tom, sit down. That scene already passed, remember? TOM: Oh yeah...and Crow missed it. Hehe. CROW: *under his breath, but clearly audible* I'll get you, Servo. You won't know when and you won't know how…. MARVIN You're afraid, darling. Scared to death. That's it! Either she suddenly learned to act or she is petrified. MIKE: *deep voice* You make the call! ROSE watches the farewells taking pace right in front of her as they step closer to the boat. Husbands saying goodbye to wives and children. Lovers and friends parted. Nearby MOLLY is getting a reluctant woman to board the boat. CROW: Ugh, forget about Surge, now I have to Purge! MOLLY Come on, you heard the man. Get in the boat, sister. RUTH Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they're not too crowded-- ROSE Oh, Mother shut up! (Ruth freezes, mouth open) CROW: Damn, it IS a cold night. Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats... not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die. MIKE: *ROSE* I blame you, the consumer. CAL Not the better half. PUSH IN ON ROSE'S FACE as it hits her like a thunderbolt. TOM: Thor of the Avengers expresses his frustration with the length of the script. Jack is third class. CROW: I'll say…. He doesn't stand a chance. Another rocket bursts overhead, bathing her face in white light. ROSE You unimaginable bastard. MOLLY Come on, Ruth, get in the boat. These are the first class seats right up here. That's it. Molly practically hands her over to Lightoller, then looks around for some other women who might need a push. TOM:...into oblivion. MOLLY Come on, Rose. You're next, darlin'. MIKE: That's it, step into the lifeboat, tip the thing over and well, die. Rose steps back, shaking her head. RUTH Rose, get in the boat! TOM: Will she get in the boat? Such gripping drama! ROSE Goodbye, mother. Ruth, standing in the tippy lifeboat, CROW: Looks like the boat's met Colonel Gracie. can do nothing. Cal grabs Rose's arm but she pulls free and walks away through the crowd. Cal catches up to Rose and grabs her again, roughly. TOM: *singing* Grabbing me roughly with his arms… MIKE: I don't think Roberta Flack sang it that way, Tom. CAL Where are you going? To him? Is that it? To be a whore to that gutter rat? MIKE: Well, basically… ROSE I'd rather be his whore than your wife. TOM: That does tidy up the situation quite well… He clenches his jaw and squeezes her arm viciously, pulling her back toward the lifeboat. Rose pulls out a hairpin and jabs him with it. he lets go with a curse and she runs into the crowd. CROW: Why do I get the feeling that Cameron's writing from personal experience here? LIGHTOLLER Lower away!! RUTH Rose! ROSE!! CROW: *singing* ...Rose your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily... MIKE: Thank you, Mr. Crow. MOLLY Stuff a sock in it, would ya, Ruth. She'll be along. The boat lurches downward as the falls are paid out. TOM: In small, unmarked bills. CROW and MIKE: D'oh! TRACKING WITH ROSE, as she runs through the clusters of people. She looks back and a furious Cal is coming after her. She runs breathlessly up to two proper looking men. CROW: *ROSE* Siegfried, Roy. Kick his ass. ROSE That man tried to take advantage of me in the crowd! TOM: *ROSE* I was an incredible offer! Appalled, they turn to see Cal running toward them. Rose runs on as the two men grab Cal, restraining him. CROW: Gentlemen, this is neither the time nor the place. I don't care HOW cute he is. She runs throught the First Class entrance. MIKE and CROW: *annoying siren noises* TOM: Rose DeWitt-Bukater you're our ONE MILLIONTH SHOPPER!! Cal breaks free and runs after her. He reaches the entrance, but runs into a knot of people coming out. He pushes rudely through them... MIKE: This guy's worse than a crowd of British Soccer Fans. CUT TO: 178 INT. BOAT DECK FOYER / STAIRCASE / A-DECK FOYER Cal runs in, and down to the landing, pushing past the gentlemen and ladies who are filling up the stairs. He scans the A-deck foyer. Rose is gone. CROW: There's a country song in there somewhere. CUT TO: 179 EXT. OCEAN / TITANIC / BOAT 6 The hull of Titanic looms over Boat 6 like a cliff. Its enormous mass is suddenly threatening to those in the tiny boat. Quartermaster Hitchins, at the tiller, wants nothing but to get away from the ship. Unfortunately his two seamen can't row. MIKE: Awww, don't worry poor fella, there are clinics for that kind of problem. They flail like a duck with a broken wing. TOM: and learn to fly again, learn to live so free. HITCHINS Keep pulling... away from the ship. Pull. CROW: We're all done for!!! TOM: Shut up, Maudling! MOLLY Ain't you boys ever rowed before? Here, gimme those oars. I'll show ya how it's done. She climbs over Ruth to get at the oars, ALL: *various sounds of exggerated disgust* MIKE: Lady, your hymnal is stuck right.... stepping on her feet. TOM: *tires screeching* Around them the evacuation is in full swing, ALL: *singing* Jump jive and...then ya wail ya gotta...jump jive and, then ya wail ya gotta...jump jive and...then ya wail ya gotta jump jive and…then ya wail awaaaayyy... with boats in the water, others being lowered. CUT TO: 180 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE / CORRIDOR Jack pulls on the pipe with all his strength. CROW: The strength of lettuce! It's not budging. He hears gurgling sound. Water pours under the door, spreading rapidly across the floor. TOM: Cut to: Rose, just leaving the shower, her naked body glistening in the... MIKE: Hey! JACK Shit. CROW: *JACK, whispering* It's only the tub, it's only the tub, it's only the tub... He tries to pull one hand out of the cuffs, working until the skin is raw... no good. JACK Help!! Somebody!! Can anybody hear me?! TOM: *JACK* Tommy can you GET ME OUT OF THIS SCRIPT?? (to himself) This could be bad. MIKE: *JACK* Just like Total Eclipse. 181 THE CORRIDOR outside is deserted. Flooded a couple of inches deep. CROW: It's a John Waters film. Hehehe. Jack's voice comes faintly through the door, but there is no one to hear it. MIKE: If a weenie-boy whines on a sinking ship, and no one's around to hear it, does he still make a sound? CUT TO: 182 INT. FIRST CLASS CORRIDOR Thomas Andrews is opening stateroom doors, checking that people are out. TOM: I'm not coming out, Happer! ANDREWS Anyone in here? Rose runs up to him, breathless. MIKE: *ROSE* I love you, Mr. Chips! ROSE Mr. Andrews, thank God! TOM: *deep voice* I had nothing to do with this, leave me the hell alone! Where would the Master at Arms take someone under arrest?! CROW: To the bad little girl's room, baby! ANDREWS What? You have to get to a boat right away! ROSE No! I'll do this with or without your help, sir. But without will take longer. CROW: And without your clothes would- MIKE: Crow! ANDREWS (beat) TOM: Hard, across the head with something heavy, large and metal hopefully. Take the elevator to the very bottom, go left, down the crewman's passage, then make a right. MIKE: *cockney accent* All right, Rock and Roll! TOM: *cockney accent* Ello, Cleveland! CROW: *cockney accent* Rock and Roll!! ROSE Bottom, left, right. I have it. ANDREWS Hurry, Rose. MIKE: *cockney accent* Right, ROCK AND ROLL! CUT TO: 183 INT. FOYER / ELEVATORS Rose runs up as the last Elecator Operator is closing up his lift to leave. CROW: Hey, it's a perfectly normal guy doing perfectly normal things! TOM: It's a good script! OPERATOR Sorry, miss, lifts are closed-- Without thinking she grabs him and shoves him back into the lift. MIKE: *ROSE* Take me, you anonymous extra! ROSE I'm through with being polite, goddamnit!! I may never be polite the rest of my life! Now take me down!! TOM: *ROSE* To the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! The operator fumbles to close the gate and start the lift. MIKE: Looks like something's wrong with the alternator. CUT TO: 184 EXT. OCEAN / BOAT 6 CROW: Meanwhile, back here… Molly and the two seamen are rowing, and they've made it a hundret feet or so. Enough to see that the ship is angled down into the water, with the bow rail less than ten feet above the surface. MIKE: It's a Space Mutiny moment. MOLLY Come on girls, join in, it'll keep ya warm. Let's go Ruth. Grab an oar! Ruth just stares at the spectacle of the great liner, its rows of lights blazing, slanting down into the sullen black mirror of the Atlanic. CROW: Tragedy is quite beautiful...in a grisly sort of way. CUT TO: 185 INT. FIRST CLASS ELEVATOR / CORRIDORS Through the wrought iron door of the elevator car Rose can see the decks going past. The lift slows. Suddenly ICE WATER is swirling around her legs. She SCREAMS in surprise. So does the operator. TOM: Mr. Chicken: Elevator Operator. The car has landed in a foot of freezing water, shocking the hell out of her. She claws the door open and splashes out, hiking up her floor-length skirt so she can move. The lift goes back up, behind her, as she looks around. MIKE: Bacon! Bacon! I smell bacon! There's only one thing that smells like bacon and that's BACON! ROSE Left, crew passage. TOM: *cockney accent* Rock and roll! MIKE: *cockney accent* Whoooo! She spots it and slogs down the flooded corridor. The place is understandably deserted. She is on her own. CROW: You know? I once had a dream like this, only that there wasn't any water and no corridors or sinking ships or whiny leading actors proclaiming themselves King of the World. ROSE Right, right... right. MIKE: That's a circle, you bimbo! She turns into a cross-corridor, splashing down the hall. MIKE: It's BACOOOOON! A row of doors on each side. TOM: Because this is The End, beautiful friend. ROSE Jack? Jaaacckk?? MIKE: Spock! Spoooooock! CUT TO: 186 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE / CORRIDOR Jack is hopelessly pulling on the pipe again, straining until he turns red. CROW: Ugh! Script? NEVER remind us of Bobo, ever! He collapses back on the bench. realizing he's screwed. Then he hears her through the door. JACK ROSE!! In here! MIKE: *JACK* We can do some more making out! 187 IN THE HALL Rose hears his voice behind her. She spins and runs back, locating the right door, then pushes it open, creating a small wave. TOM: Which, for some reason she tries to surf. She splashes over Jack and puts her arms around him. MIKE: *ROSE* Chief! CROW: *JACK* McCloud! ROSE Jack, Jack, Jack... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. TOM: *JACK* Bite me. They are so happy to see each other it's embarrassing. JACK That guy Lovejoy put it in my pocket. CROW: *JACK* A wet pack of Jolly Ranchers! ROSE I know, I know. JACK See if you can find a key for these. Try those drawers. It's a little brass one. MIKE: *ROSE* Aww, it's so cute! She kisses his face and hugs him again, TOM: Yes yes, you love each other. Boat? Sinking? Gonna die? then starts to go through the desk. CROW: Honestly Rose, this is no time for hardcore wrestling! JACK So... how did you find out I didn't do it? ROSE I didn't. (she looks at him) I just realized I already knew. MIKE: Ah, she's the Great Carnac! They share a look, then she goes back to ransacking the room, searching drawers and cupboards. Jack sees movement out the porthole and looks out. A LIFEBOAT hits the surface of the water, seen from below. TOM: And it's at this point, Jack realizes he's going to die. NEXT SCENE! CUT TO: 188 EXT. TITANIC / BOAT ONE While the seamen detach the falls, Boat One rocks next to the hull. Lucile and Sir Cosmo Duff- Gordon sit with ten others in a boat made for four times that many. LUCILE I despise small boats. I just know I'm going to be seasick. I always get seasick in small boats. MIKE: *Rain Man* Yeah, defini'lly seasick, it's a boat, it's a small boat, yeah I'm defini'lly going to be seasick. Yeah. Good Heavens, there's a man down there. CROW: I'd hardly call him a man, lady. In a lit porthole beneath the surface she sees Jack looking up at her... a face in a bubble of light under the water. TOM: Okay, Cameron. Make up your mind. Are you writing Titanic or The Poseidon Adventure? CUT TO: 189 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE Rose stops trashing the room, CROW: She should join Led Zeppelin. and stands there, breathing hard. MIKE: *ROSE, gasping* Asthma...acting up...must...get..inhaler. ROSE There's no key in here. TOM: *ROSE* Oh well, you're screwed. I'm outta here. They look around at the water, now almost two feet deep. Jack has pulled his feet up onto the bench. JACK You have to go for help. ROSE (nodding) I'll be right back. JACK I'll wait here. MIKE: *Thinking for a moment* Hmmmm...Oh! That was supposed to be a joke! She runs out, looking back at him once from the doorway, then splashes away. Jack looks down at the swirling water. TOM: *Rod Serling* You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not of sight, or sound….or intelligence. CUT TO: 190 INT. STAIRWELL AND CORRIDORS CROW: Wow, it's so descriptive it's like I'm there! Rose splashes down the hall to a stairwell going up to the next deck. She climbs the stairs, her long skirt leaving a trail like a giant snail. The weight of it is really slowing her down. She rips at the buttons and shimmies quickly out of the thing. She bounds up the stairs in her stockings and knee-length slip, to find herself in MIKE: --Sane! TOM:--Capable of acting! CROW:--Competant! 191 A LONG CORRIDOR... part of the labyrinth of steerage hallways forward. She is alone here. A long groan of stressing metal echoes along the hall as the ship continues to settle. MIKE: Nah, the ship's just got indigestion. Give it a Zantac. She runs down the hall, unimpeded now. ROSE Hello? Somebody?! TOM: *whistling a tone* The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again. She turns a corner and runs along another corridor in a daze. The hall slopes down into water which, shimmers, reflecting the light. The margin of the water creeps toward her. A YOUNG MAN appears, running through the water, sending up geysers of spray. CROW: *singing* Dope on the water… He pelts past her without slowing, his eyes crazed... MIKE: *YOUNG MAN* The Lemmings are coming! The Lemmings are coming! WA- HAHAHAHAHAHA! ROSE Help me! We need help! He doesn't look back. It is like a bad dream. The hull gongs with terrifying sounds. TOM: ONE O'CLOCK AND…actually as a matter of fact, that's way too easy. The lights flicker and go out, leaving utter darkness. A beat. Then they come back on. She finds herself hyperventilating. That one moment of blackness was the most terrifying of her life. CROW: And she has, what...THREE MILLENNIA TO LIVE?? A STEWARD runs around the nearest corner, his arms full of lifebelts. He is upset to see someone still in his section. He grabs her forcefully by the arm, pulling her with him like a wayward child. MIKE: Someone doing something sensible?? I DON'T BELIEVE IT! STEWARD Come on, then, let's get you topside, miss, that's right. ROSE Wait. Wait! I need your help! There's-- TOM: *ROSE*--a man with a gun over there, telling me that I got to beware. STEWARD No need for panic, miss. Come along! MIKE: It's Alexander's Ragtime Band! ROSE No, let me go! You're going the wrong way! He's not listening. And he won't let her go. She SHOUTS in his ear, and when he turns, she punches him squarely in the nose. Shocked, he lets her go and staggers back. CROW: Go! Run! Back to where you came from! MIKE: Now why are you telling her to run away from him? CROW: Because Mike, there's an excellent chance that if she goes back to her Jack, She'll drown with him! ALL: *pause * YEAH! WOO! GO BACK, ROSE! YEAH!! STEWARD To Hell with you! MIKE: *gruff voice* And all your Commie friends! ROSE See you there, buster! The steward runs off, holding his bloody nose. She spits after him. Just the way Jack taught her. CROW: Dribbles down her chin, like a Saint Bernard. She turns around, SEES: a glass case with a fire-axe in it. TOM: In case of plot hole, break glass. She breaks the glass with a battered suitcase which is lying discarded nearby, and seizes the axe, running back the way she came. CROW: Come on, Axe you're goin' down! 192 AT THE STAIRWELL she looks down and gasps. The water has flooded the bottom five steps. She goes down and has to crouch to look along the corridor to the room where Jack is trapped. MIKE: Wow, when that kid said there was a leak in the dyke, he wasn't kidding! CROW: Leave Anne Heche out of this! MIKE: *after a pause* CROW! Rose plunges into the water, which is up to her waist... and powers forward, holding the axe above her head in two hands. MIKE: *macho* Yeah, I like the two-handed axe power wade. It's good for beefin' up the deltoids. She grimaces at the pain from the literally freezing water. CROW: Don't like to Grimace, I'd rather Hamburglar at pain. CUT TO: 193 INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE Jack has climbed up on the bench, and is hugging the waterpipe. Rose wades in, holding the axe above her head. MIKE: *ROSE* Here's ROSIE! ROSE Will this work? JACK We'll find out. CROW: Optimistic prediction or famous last words? Let's read on. They are both terrified, but trying to keep panic at bay. He positions the chain connecting the two cuffs, stretching it taut across the steel pipe. The chain is of course very short, and his exposed wrists are on either side of it. JACK Try a couple practice swings. Rose hefts the axe and thunks it into a wooden cabinet. MIKE: Oh that's tact Rose, STORE IT! JACK Now try to hit the same mark again. She swings hard and the blade thunks in four inches from the mark. TOM: Mike, would this count as a collision course with wackiness? JACK Okay, that's enough practice. He winces, bracing himself as she raises the axe. She has to hit a target about an inch wide with all the foce she can muster, with his hands on either side. JACK (sounding calm) MIKE: *serene* I am Caine. I will help you. You can do it, Rose. Hit it as hard as you can, I trust you. Jack closes his eyes. So does she. MIKE: Aim for the wrists! TOM: No, aim for the head! The axe comes down. K-WHANG! Rose gingerly opens her eyes looks... TOM: Yeah yeah yeah, the cuffs are cut perfectly, we're way ahead of you. MOVE IT! Jack is grinning with two separate cuffs. Rose drops the axe, all the strength going out of her. JACK Nice work, there, Paul Bunyan. MIKE: *JACK* Does that mean I can be Babe the Blue Ox? TOM: *ROSE* After a few minutes in that freezing water, ya can. He climbs down into the water next to her. He can't breathe for a second. JACK Shit! Excuse my French. Ow ow ow, that is cold! Come on, let's go. CROW: Shouldn't that be "Merde"? They wade out into the hall. Rose starts toward the stiars going up, TOM: *Dan Ackroyd* Where do these stairs go? CROW: *Bill Murray* They go up. but Jack stops her. There is only about a foot of the stairwell opening visible. JACK Too deep. We gotta find another way out. MIKE: Try suicide. Trust me, it works! CUT TO: 194 EXT. BOAT 6 AND TITANIC TIGHT ON THE LETTERS TITANIC painted two feet high on the bow of the doomed steamer. TOM: The Sultana. Weird, huh? Once 50 feet above the waterline, they now quietly slip below the surface. We see them, gold on black, rippling and dimming to a pale green as they go deeper. MIKE: Their cheapness causes them to use washable paint. 195 IN BOAT SIX, Ruth looks back at the Titanic, transfixed by the sight of the dying liner. ALL: Eeeeeewww. CROW: Vlad Tepes, eat your heart out. The bowsprit is now barely above the waterline. Another of Boxhall's rockets EXPLODES overhead. K-BOOM! *ALL duck* MIKE: Hey, watch it! It lights up the whole area, and we see half a dozen boats in the water, spreading out from the ship. TOM: *intellectual* When the mother ship eventually spawns her young, they immediately take to the waves and seek out those prevailing currents that will guide their migrations throughout the rest of their lives... MOLLY Now there's somethin' you don't see every day. MIKE: An operatic mime! Wow! CUT TO: 196 INT. SCOTLAND TOM: FREEDOOOOOOOOM!!!! ROAD / E-DECK The widest passageway in the ship, it is used by crew and steerage alike, and runs almost the length of the ship. Right now steerage passengers move along it like refugees, heading aft. CRASH! TOM: *singing* Into me, babe. A wooden doorframe splinters and the door bursts open under the force of Jack's shoulder. MIKE: Again, no comment. Jack and Rose stumble through, into the corridor. A STEWARD, who was nearby herding people along, marches over. STEWARD Here you! You'll have to pay for that, you know. That's White Star Line property CROW: *chuckles* Too little, too late. TOM: I guess you could call this a lesson in _steward_-_ship_, right? CROW: *sardonic* Thank you, Servo. JACK AND ROSE (turning together) Shut up! Jack leads her past the dumbfounded steward. They join the steerage stragglers going aft. In places the corridor is almost completely blocked by large families carrying all their luggage. CROW: *traffic reporter* Looks like there's a helluva backup, with traffic delayed for at least 20 minutes on the aft-bound runway. AN IRISH WOMAN gives Rose a blanket, more for modesty than because she is blue-lipped and shivering. MIKE: Of course! Why start with common sense THIS late in the film? IRISHWOMAN Here, lass, cover yerself. Jack rubs her arms and tries to warm her up as they walk along. The woman's husband offers them a flask of whiskey. CROW: *GRACIE* Did somebody say...booze? IRISHMAN This'll take the chill off. MIKE: The world's greatest hypothermia cure...BOOZE! Rose takes a mighty belt and hands it to Jack. TOM: *ROSE* Here, maybe THIS'LL keep your pants up, white boy! He grins and follows suit. CROW: But Cal plays a trump and takes the trick. Jack tries a number of DOORS and IRON GATES along the way, finding them all locked. MIKE: He then retraces his steps back to the Dwarven village, hoping to purchase that contraband Magic Key the dying Fairy told him about... CUT TO: 197 EXT. BOAT DECK CROW: I prefer Bicycle Decks, myself. ON THE BOAT DECK, the action has moved to the aft group of boats, numbers 9, MIKE: Cambot, give me rocket number nine! *Our view shifts at a crazy angle, as Cambot expresses his confusion.* MIKE: *turning around to face Cambot* It was just a joke, buddy. *The image straightens again, then bobs up and down as Cambot gives a very visible shrug.* 11, 13 and 15 on the starboard side, and 10, 12, 14 and 16 on the port side. TOM: Ah, Myst clues. The pace of work is more frantic. You see crew and officers running now to work the davits, their previous complacency gone. CAL pushes through the crowd, scanning for Rose. *MIKE holds his hand out in front of him, palm-upwards, moving it from side to side, while TOM makes "tricorder" noises* Around him is chaos and confusion. MIKE: Four Horsemen alternates. A woman is calling for a child who has become seperated from the crowd. A man is shouting over people's heads. TOM: Did anybody just have a Crocodile Dundee flashback? MIKE: Not that I'm aware of. A woman takes hold of Second Officer Lightoller's arm as he is about to launch Boat 10. CROW: With an M-80. TOM: Oh that wacky Lightoller. WOMAN Will you hold the boat a moment? I have to run back to my room for something-- Lightoller grabs her and shoves her bodily into the boat. Thomas Andrews rushes up to him just then. ANDREWS Why are the boats being launched half full?! MIKE: Because they're optimists! Lightoller steps past him, helping a seaman clear a snarled fall. CROW: As opposed to what, a smirking autumn? LIGHTOLLER Not now, Mr. Andrews. ANDREWS (pointing down at the water) There, look... twenty or so in a boat built for sixty five. And I saw one boat with only twelve. Twelve! CROW: *Shaggy* I saw a G-G-G-GHOST! LIGHTOLLER Well... we were not sure of the weight-- ANDREWS Rubbish! They were tested in Belfast with the weight of 70 men. TOM: Actually, it was one man, seventy times... but hey, same diff. Now fill these boats, Mr. Lightoller. For God's sake, man! MIKE: He should write a book. Shatnering for Dummies. The shot HANDS OFF CROW: Fresh! *makes a slapping noise* to Cal, who sees Lovejoy hurrying toward him through the aisle connecting the port and starboard sides of the boat deck. LOVEJOY She's not on the starboard side either. CAL We're running out of time. And this strutting martinet... MIKE: *LIGHTOLLER* I heard that! (indicating Lightoller) ...isn't letting any men in at all. TOM: Yeah! Who needs "Y" chromosomes, anyway? Women are the future! CROW: Down with men! Down with men! LOVEJOY The one on the other side is letting men in. CAL Then that's our play. But we're still going to need some insurance. TOM: Well, you can go with the full-fledged Life plan which covers death and dismemberment, but I'm afraid drowning and hypothermia aren't covered. (he starts off forward) Come on. CROW: *CAL* I got a hot tip for the ninth race. Cal charges off, heading forward, followed by Lovejoy. The SHOT HANDS OFF CROW: A new craze in Track-and-Field... the 800-meter Shot Put Relay! BOTS: Ex-TREEEEEME! to a finely dressed elderly couple, IDA and ISADOR STRAUSS. TOM: Oh yes, the lemonade magnates. ISADOR Please, Ida, get into the boat. IDA No. We've been together for forty years, and where IDA (CONT'D) you go, I go. Don't argue with me, Isador, you know it does no good. CROW: *ISADOR* GET IN THE DAMN BOAT, IDA BEFORE I BEAT YOU AGAIN! He looks at her with sadness and great love. They embrace gently. MIKE: Agh, this love story's fast-forwarded 90 years! LIGHTOLLER Lower away!! CUT TO: 198 EXT. BRIDGE / FORWARD WELL DECK / FOC'SLE TOM: Oh how nice, this script's available in conversational Klingon! AT THE BOW... MIKE: *waving* Thank you! Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience! Men, throw money! Ladies, throw phone numbers! the place where Jack and Rose first kissed... the bow railing goes under water water. CROW: In case you haven't gotten it by now, the water is made of water. Water swirls around the captsans and windlasses on the foc'sle deck. CROW: Hey, Servo? D'you think there's gonna be a glossary at the end of this thing? TOM: Heh. No such luck. Smith strides to the bridge rail and looks down at the well deck. Water is shipped over the sides TOM: FedEx. When it absitively, posolutely has to go down with the ship. and the well deck is awash. MIKE: *SMITH* Ahoy mates, swab the...oh never mind. Two men run across the deck, their feet sending up spray. Behind Smith, Boxhall fires another rocket. WHOOSH! TOM: It lands in a toilet bowl and gets flushed? MIKE: How many rockets is that now? Nine? *Our view wobbles back and forth slightly as Cambot shakes his head.* CUT TO: 199 OMITTED 200 OMITTED MIKE: Dang. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life wondering what was in those scenes. CROW: Don't worry. Knowing Pearl, she'll make us watch the director's cut someday. 201 INT. E-DECK CORRIDORS AND STAIRWELL Fabrizio, standing with Helga Dahl and her family, hears Jack's voice. TOM: ...but he doesn't recognize it. MIKE: Why not? TOM: He doesn't know jack... JACK Fabrizio! Fabri! TOM: Fab! F! Fabrizio turns and sees Jack and Rose pushing through the crowd. He and Jack hug like brothers. CROW: and kiss like... MIKE: Don't. FABRIZIO The boats are all going. JACK We gotta get up there or we're gonna be gargling saltwater. MIKE: Hey, there's nothing wrong with gargling saltwater. TOM: Yeah, that can actually help with sore throats... CROW: Bet that ranks right up there with the "flat ginger ale" cure you tried to push off on me... TOM: *indignant* Hey! That actually works! Where's Tommy? TOM: Yo Leo! Down here, dude! Fabrizio points over the heads of the solidly packed crowd to the stairwell. Tommy has his hands on the bars of the steel gate which blocks the head of the stairwell. MIKE: Helluva line. CROW: And to think, it's for Howard the Duck. The crew open the gate a foot or so and a few women are squeezing through. TOM: Oh, so they're at a Hanson concert, right? STEWARD #2 Women only. No men. No men!! CROW: *grumbling* It WOULD be Ladies' Night... But some terrified men, not understanding English, try to rush through the gap, MIKE: ...but accidently charge into the changing rooms and are chased away by dozens of screeching women! TOM: *indistinguishably foreign accent* Remember! Shortcut is through DKNY! forcing the gate open. The crewmen and stewards push them back, shoving and punching them. CROW: What if this situation had RuPaul in it? MIKE: It's a question better left unanswered, Crow. STEWARD #2 Get back! Get back you lot! (to the crewmen) Lock it!! *ALL make noises and motions as if cocking weaponry, pumping shotguns, et cetera* MIKE: Lock and load, baby... CROW: It's time to ROCK AND ROLL! They struggle to get the gate closed again, while Steward #2 brandishes a small revolver. CROW: *Singing* There's a man with a gun over there, tellin' me that I got to beware but it's okay if I don't want to it was just a suggestion anyway...sayin' Stop, hey what's that sound, everybody look what's goin' down. Another holds a fire axe. They lock the gate, and a cry goes up among the crowd, TOM SUUUUUURGE!!! MIKE: Tom, they didn't have Surge on board the Titanic! who surge forward, pounding against the steel and shouting in several languages. TOM: Yes they did, see? MIKE: Well I'll be Gosh-darned... TOMMY For the love of God, man, there are children down here! Let us up, so we can have a chance! But the crewmen are scared now. They have let the situation get out of hand, and now they have a mob. Tommy gives up and pushes his way back through the crowd, going down the stairs. He rejoins Jack, Rose and Fabrizio. CROW: Now let our powers combine! TOMMY It's hopeless that way. TOM: *The Tick* Supervillains ALWAYS have a secret antidote! They're funny that way. JACK Well, whatever we're goin' to do, we better do it fast. Fabrizio turns to Helga, praying he can make himself understood. MIKE: *GOD* La-la-la-la-la, I can't HEAR YOU, I'm not LISTENING! FABRIZIO (with a lot of hand gestures) ALL: HEY! CROW: Young man that was uncalled for. I'm glad you die! Everyone... all of you... come with me now. We go to the boats. We go to the boats. Capito? Come now! They can't understand what he's saying. They can see his urgency, but OLUF DAHL, the patriarch of the family, shakes his head. He will not panic, and will not let his family go with this boy. Fabrizio turns to Helga. MIKE: *FABRIZIO* I'm hungry, let's eat. FABRIZIO Helga... per favore... please... come with me, I am lucky. Is my destiny to go to America. CROW: Lucky my gilded butt. It's probably HIS fault the boat sank! She kisses him, then steps back to be with her family. Jack lays a hand on his shoulder, his eyes saying "Let's go". MIKE: His eyes then run for their own lives, abandoning Leo to a grisly, ice-water fate. FABRIZIO I will never forget you. He turns to Jack, who leads the way out of the crowd. Looking back Fabrizio sees her face disappear into the crowd. TOM: Just as well, they were just gonna end up in Minnesota and make it whiter. CUT TO: 202 OMITTED 203 OMITTED 204 INT. CAL AND ROSE'S SUITE CLUNK! TOM: *Scarab* Because, well, why not? MIKE: Hmm. That was fairly obscure.. Cal opens his safe and reaches inside. As Lovejoy watches, he pulls out two stacks of bills, still banded by bank wrappers. CROW: *singing* Been caught stealing, once when I was five… Then he takes out "Heart of the Ocean", putting it in the pocket of his overcoat, and locks the safe. MIKE: And we have plot point, ladies and gentlemen. CAL (holding up stacks of bills) I make my own luck. TOM: *CAL* It has a money back guarantee. LOVEJOY (putting the .45 in his waistband) So do I. MIKE: Colt .45, works every time. Cal grins, putting the money in his pocket as they go out. CUT TO: 205 INT. STEERAGE, AFT Jack, Rose, Fabrizio and Tommy are lost, searching for a way out. They push past confused passengers... MIKE: ...including a somewhat irate #57. past a mother changing her baby's diaper on top of an upturned steamer trunk... past a woman arguing heatedly with a man in Serbo-Croatian, CROW: I think now would be a good time to discuss the current political situation in Yugoslavia...kill me. a wailing child next to them... past a man kneeling to console a woman who is just sitting on the floor, sobbing... and past another man with an English/Arabic dictionary, trying to figure out what the signs mean, while his wife and children wait patiently. TOM: Umm…Dad? Not to rush you here, but... Jack et al come upon a narrow stairwell and they go up two decks before they are stopped by a small group pressed up against a steel gate. The steerage men are yelling at a scared STEWARD. STEWARD Go to the main stairwell, with everyone else. It'll all get sorted out there. Jack takes one look at this scene and finally just loses it. MIKE: Y'know, Jack... welcome to the club. JACK God damn it to Hell son of a bitch!! ALL: WHOA! TOM: Keep this guy out of the NRA! He grabs one end of a bench bolted to the floor on the landing. TOM: HULK SMASH! He starts pulling on it, and Tommy and Fabrizio pitch in until the bolts shear and it breaks free. Rose figures out what they are doing and clears a path up the stairs between the waiting people. CROW: *ROSE* Get back, everyone, three wimps with furniture coming through! ROSE Move aside! Quickly, move aside! TOM: He's got a table and he's not afraid to use it! Jack and Tommy run up the steps with the bench and RAM IT INTO THE GATE *CROW snickers... MIKE smacks him.* with all their strength. CROW: The strength of lettuce! It rips loose from its track and falls outward, narrowly mssing the steward. Led by Jack, the crowd surges though. Rose steps up to the cowering steward and says in her most imperious tone: MIKE: *ROSE* You imbeciles! You've captured their stunt doubles! ROSE If you have any intention of keeping your pathetic job ROSE (CONT'D) with the White Star Line, I suggest you escort these good people to the boat deck... now. Class wins out. He nods dumbly motions form them to follow. MIKE: *making hand gestures* ALL: Boat sinking...we stuck...we all die... CUT TO: 206 EXT. BOAT 6 / TITANIC - NIGHT CROW: The Bat-Signal blazes fiercely overhead! Ruth rows with Molly Brown, two other women and the incompetent sailors. CROW: Y'know, they should try Metamucil... MIKE: *sighs* No, Crow. That says in-COMPETANT! She rests on her oars, exhausted, and looks back at the ship. TOM: and realizes that yes, ships ARE called "She" because they have wide rear ends. It slants down into the water, still ablaze with light. TOM: *singing* Steel boats, iron men... ALL: *singing* Thirty-two down on the Robert MacKensie! Nothing is above water forward of the bridge except for the foremast. Another rocket goes off, lighting up the entire area... MIKE: *Tommy Chong* Yeah, man. there are a dozen boats moving outward from the ship. CROW: Do you suppose this could be classified as an Outward Bound? HA-HA! 207 AT THE BOAT DECK RAIL Captain Smith is shouting to Boat 6 through a large metal megaphone. SMITH Come back! Come back to the ship! MIKE: *SMITH* You folks by the pool, I suggest you move away from the area because the deep end is about to get a heckuva lot deeper. CHIEF OFFICER WILDE joins him, blowing his silver whistle. TOM: And here, The progressive flute rock band Jethro Tull is born. 208 FROM BOAT 6 the whistle comes shrilly across the water. Quartermaster Hitchins grips the rudder in fear. CROW: Hitchins? What kind of a name is that? TOM: Actually, there's this small town in Hertfordshire, forty miles north of London... HITCHINS The suction will pull us right down if we don't keep going. TOM: Funny they should talk about sucking... MOLLY We got room for lots more. I say we go back. HITCHINS No! It's our lives now, not theirs. And I'm in charge of this boat! Now row!! 209 CAPTAIN SMITH, at the rail of the boat deck, lowers his megaphone slowly MIKE: *SMITH* This damn thing doesn't work! SMITH The fools. CROW: Opening up for Limp Bizkit this Saturday at the Roxy. CUT TO: 210 INT. A-DECK FOYER As Cal and Lovejoy cross the foyer encounter Benjamin Guggenheim and his valet, coth dressed in white tie, tail-coats and top hats. CAL Ben, what's the occasion? GUGGENHEIM We have dressed in our best and are prepared to go down like gentlemen. CAL That's admirable, Ben. CROW: Stupid, but admirable. (walking on) I'll sure and tell your wife... when I get to New York. TOM: *GUGGENHEIM* Why thanks, Cal...what in the Samuel Langhorne Hell do ya mean by THAT?? CUT TO: 211 INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM MIKE: Lessee here... no windows, doors seal airtight when they close, and the ventilation systems don't filter worth beans. Yessir, when it comes to smoking rooms, this one's first class! There are still two cardgames in progress. The room is quiet and civilized. A silver serving cart, holding a large humidor, begins to roll slowly across the room. One of the cardplayers takes a cigar from it as it rolls by. MIKE: Well..."Go Fish" I suppose. CARDPLAYER It seems we've been dealt a bad hand this time. CROW: You know what's an even worse name than Steward Barnes? Cardplayer. TOM: I miss Steward Barnes. I wondered what happened to him. Hope he got to a boat. CUT TO: 212 EXT. / INT. A-DECK PROMENADE TOM: Y'know, "promenade" sounds so stuffy. Why not call it something jaunty...? MIKE: Something like... "Zocalo?" TOM: Yeah! That's it exactly! CROW: One "White Star" pun out of you two, and I'm issuing my first time-outs. Cal and Lovejoy are walking aft with a purposeful stride. They pass CHIEF BAKER JOHGHIN, who is working up a sweat tossing deck chairs over the rail. After they go by, Joughin takes a break and pulls a bottle of scotch from a pocket, opening it. He drains it, and tosses it over the side too, then stands there a little unteadily. MIKE: Hey, they cut out the part where Gracie dives overboard after the scotch! CUT TO: 213 EXT. BOAT DECK AND A-DECK, AFT PANIC IS SETTING IN around the remaining boats aft. The crowd here is now a mix of all three classes. Officers repeatedly warn men back from the boats. The crowd presses in closer. TOM: This was one vacation slide this family would never show their kids. Seamen SCAROTT brandishes the tiller of boat 14 to discourage a close press of men who look ready to rush the boat. Several men break ranks and rush forward. Lightoller pulls out his Webley revolver and aims it at them. CROW: So he's threatening them with a Fraggle-launcher? LIGHTOLLER Get back! Keep order! TOM: You know the minute he said that, some smart-ass in the back shouted "I'll have a cheeseburger!" The men back down. Fifth Officer Lowe standing in the boat, yells to the crew. LOWE Lower away left and right! MIKE: Hmm...Lowe. Apt name for the fellow. Lightoller turns away from the crowd and, out of their sight, breaks his pistol open. Letting out a long breath, he starts to LOAD IT. MIKE: Such Barney Fife-like reflexes. CUT TO: 214 EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD SIDE, AFT Cal and Lovejoy arrive in time to see Murdoch lowering his last boat. CROW: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, and if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. TOM: Thank you, Crow. CAL We're too late. LOVEJOY There are still some boats forward. Stay with this one... Murdoch. He seems to be quite... practical. MIKE: I'm willing to bet that this wasn't the word he was looking for. 215 IN THE WATER BELOW ALL: *singing* Down we go, into the deep blue waters--sinking low, under the sea! there is another panic. Boat 13, already in the water but still attached to its falls, is pushed aft by the discharge water being pumped out of the ship. It winds up directly under boat 15, which is coming downt he right on top of it. TOM: Well bummer...NEXT! The passengers shout in panic to the crew above to stop lowering. They are ignored. Some men put their hands up, trying futilely to keep the 5 tons of boat 15 from crushing them. CROW: Kindof like any Mid-Atlantic pro wrestling match. Fred Barrett, the stoker, gets out his knife and leaps to the after falls, climbing rudely over people. He cuts the aft falls while another crewman cuts the forward lines. 13 drifts out from beneath 15 just seconds before it touches the water with a slap. TOM: You think Mr. Barrett feels good about himself right now? MIKE: Don't you mean stoked? Cal, looking down from the rail hears GUNSHOTS-- CROW: Dag-nabbit, who let Tackleberry onto the ship?? CUT TO: 216 EXT. BOAT DECK / A-DECK, PORT, AFT TOM: Well??? Just pick a section! Fifth Officer Lowe, in Boat 14 is firing his gun as a warning to a bunch of men threatening to jump into the boat as it passes the open promenade on A-Deck. Crow: Wow, people were just killing each other for elbow space back then. LOWE Stay back you lot! BLAM! BLAM! CUT TO: 217 EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD, AFT The shots echo away. CAL It's starting to fall apart. We don't have much time. TOM: Suddenly it's starting to read like a Japanese manga comic. Cal sees three dogs run by, including the black French bulldog. CROW: *The Dog* KIBBLES AND BITS, KIBBLES AND BITS! Someone has released the pets from the kennels. Cal sees Murdoch turn from the davits of boat 15 and start walking toward the bow. He catches up and falls in beside him. MIKE: As opposed to ON TOP of him? CAL Mr. Murdoch, I'm a businessman, as you know, and I have a business proposition for you. MIKE: *CAL* Your soul for the ship, whaddyasay? CUT TO: 218 OMITTED 219 EXT. BOAT DECK, PORT Jack, Rose et al burst out onto the boat deck from the crew stairs just aft of the third funnel. They look at the empty davits. MIKE: *looking a bit anxious* CROW: Waiting for something, Mike? TOM: Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip…. MIKE: Cut it out, guys! ROSE The boats are gone! She sees Colonel Gracie chugging forward along the deck, ALL: GRACIE!!! TOM: I love Gracie. CROW: I wish Gracie were my dad. escorting two first class ladies. MIKE: Now THERE is a man who knows how to die. ROSE Colonel! Are there any boats left? GRACIE (staring at her bedraggled state) Yes, miss... there are still a couple of boats all the way forward. This way, I'll lead you! CROW: *GRACIE* I'm out of booze and I have nothing left to live for! Jack grabs her hand and they sprint past Gracie, with Tommy and Fabrizio close behind. ANGLE ON THE BAND... incredibly they are still playing. TOM: Wasn't that a special on HBO? Jack, Rose and the others run by. TOM and MIKE: *JACK and ROSE, passing by* You suck! TOMMY Music to drown by. Now I know I'm in First Class. CUT TO: 220 EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD, FORWARD CROW: Well??? Which is it, make up your mind!!! Water pours like a spillway over the forward railing on B-Deck. CAMERA SWEEPS UP past A- Deck to the Boat Deck where Murdoch and his team are loading Collapsible Car the forward-most davits. TOM: That pan wasn't smooth at all. They could have done with a couple more takes, there. MIKE: I know a guy who could've nailed it in one. *glances back over his shoulder at Cambot* Right, little buddy? NOTE: There are four so-called collapsibles, or Engelhardts boats, including two which are stored on the roof of the officer's quarters. CROW: Okay...WHY did Cameron take an aside to tell us this? The crowd is sparse, with most people still aft. Cal slips his hand out of hte pocket of his overcoat and into the waist pocket of Murdoch's greatcoat, leaving the stacks of bills there. CAL So we have an understanding then? MIKE: *CAL* Dick Sergeant was the better Darren Stevens? MURDOCH (nodding curtly) As you've said. TOM: *MURDOCH* I still say Dick York was da bomb. Cal, satisfied, steps back. He finds himself waiting next to J. Bruce Ismay. Ismay does not meet his eyes, nor anyone's. CROW: Gotta pity the spineless. Lovejoy come sup to Cal at that moment. MIKE: *LOVEJOY* Boys, boys it can be Dick Sergeant AND Dick York! LOVEJOY I've found her. She's just over on the port side. With him. TOM: They're saying stuff and doing things, COULD YOU BE MORE VAGUE?? MURDOCH Women and children? Any more women and children? (glancing at Cal) Any one else, then? Cal looks longingly at his boat... his moment has arrived. CAL God damn it to hell! Come on. MIKE: *CAL* The line at Applebee's has to be REAL short right now. I'm hungry! He and Lovejoy head for the port side, taking a short-cut through the bridge. Bruce Ismay, seeing his oppurtunity, steps quickly into Collapsible C. He stares straight ahead, not meeting Murdoch's eyes. MURDOCH (staring at Ismay) Take them down. ALL: *sound of shotguns cocking* CUT TO: 221 EXT. BOAT DECK / PORT SIDE - NIGHT ON THE PORT SIDE Lightoller is getting people into Boat 2. He keeps his pistol in his hand at this point. Twenty feet below them the sea is pouring into the doors and windows of B deck staterooms. They can hear the roar of water cascading into the ship. LIGHTOLLER Women and children, please. Women and children only. Step back, sir. CROW: What about lesbians? MIKE: And Carnies? TOM: and heroin addicts? CROW: And Jedi Knights? Even with Jack's arms wrapped around her, Rose is shivering in the cold. MIKE: I smell a soup commercial coming on. Near her a WOMAN with TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS looks into the eyes of a HUSBAND she knows she may not see again HUSBAND Goodbye for a little while... only for a little while. MIKE: *Captain Sheridan* We shall meet again, in a place where no Shadows fall! TOM: *sniff* (to his two little girls) Go with mummy. TOM: *Hangman* Any last requests? MIKE: *Brendan Fraser* Yeah, could you untie the noose and let me go? The woman stumbles to the boat with the children, hiding her tears from them. Beneath the false good cheer, the man is choked with emotion. HUSBAND Hold mummy's hand and be a good girl. That's right. Some of the women are stoic, others are TOM: Epicurian. overwhelmed by emotion and have to be helped into the boats. A MAN scribbles a note and hands it to a woman who is about to board. MAN Please get this to my wife in DeMoines, Iowa. MIKE: *Woman* What do I look like, a carrier pigeon? Jack looks at Tommy and Fabrizio. JACK You better check out the other side. They nod and run off, searching for a way around the deckhouse. CROW: You know, if they were The Doors, they wouldn't have to worry about going around to the other side. They could just break on through. Pearl told me. ROSE I'm not going without you. JACK Get in the boat, Rose. Cal walks up just then. CAL Yes. Get in the boat, Rose. TOM: *CAL* Your country depends on you, Rose. She is shocked to see him. She steps instinctively to Jack. Cal looks at her, standing there shivering in her wet slip and stockings, a shocking display in 1912. CAL My God, look at you. (taking off his boat) Here, put this on. MIKE: *surprised* He's been carrying one around all this time, and he hasn't used it to escape yet? Wow! CROW: Gee, this guy might be less of a cad than we thought! She numbly shrugs into it. He is doing it for modesty, not the cold. TOM: Of course, why break the trend of ignoring the intelligent thing to do? MIKE: *prim* Etiquette is everything. LIGHTOLLER Quickly, ladies. Step into the boat. Hurry, please! TOM: *LIGHTOLLER* Yes, step into the boat, ladies *evil laughter* JACK Go on. I'll get the next one. ROSE No. Not without you! She doesn't even care that Cal is standing right there. He sees the emotion between Jack and Rose and his jaw clenches. But then he leans close to her and says... MIKE: *CAL, muffled* Umm...Rose, could you hand me the oil can there? CAL (low) There are boats on the other side that are allowing men in. Jack and I can get off safely. Both of us. JACK (he smiles reassuringly) I'll be alright. Hurry up so we can get going... we got our own boat to catch. CAL Get in... hurry up, it's almost full. Lightoller grabs her arm and pulls her toward the boat. She reaches out for Jack and her fingers brush his for a moment. Then she finds herself stepping down into the boat. It's all a rush and blur. TOM: and Blink, and Third-Eye Blind. Their stuff rocks. LIGHTOLLER Lower away! The two men watch at the rail as the boat begins to descend. CAL (low) You're a good liar. MIKE: *JACK* Why thank you Cal… Hey! JACK Almost as good as you. CAL I always win, Jack. One way or another. TOM: *Dark Helmet* and Evil will always triumph over Good, because Good is dumb. (looks at him, smiling) Pity I didn't keep that drawing. It's going to be worth a lot more by morning. Jack knows he is screwed. He looks down at Rose, not wanting to waste a second of his last view of her. CROW: *JACK, to himself* Ogle, damn you! OGLE! 222 ROSE'S PERCEPTION... IN SLOW MOTION: MIKE: Hey, Cameron's been to the Vivian Schilling school of screenwriting. The ropes going through the pulleys as the seamen start to lower. All sound going away... Lightoller giving orders, his lips moving... but Rose hears only the blood pounding in her ears... this cannot be happening... a rocket bursts above in slow-motion, outlining Jack in a halo of light... Rose's hair blowing in slow motion as she gazes up at him, descending away from him... she sees his hand trembling, the tears at the corners of his eyes, and cannot believe the unbearable pain she is feeling... CROW: Yep, nipple clamps will do that to ya. Rose is still staring up, tears pouring down her face. SUDDENLY SHE IS MOVING. ALL: Whoa! MIKE: Tap that Caps-Lock key there, Cameron. She lunges across the women next to her. Reaches the gunwale, climbing it... Hurls herself out of the boat to the rail of the A-Deck promenade, catching it, and scrambling over the rail. The Boat 2 continues down. But Rose is back on Titanic. TOM: She's a credit to your race, Mike. MIKE: Thanks, Tom...*realizing what he meant* Hey! JACK No Rose! NOOOO!! CROW: He's Luke Skywalkering. Jack spins from the rail, running for the nearest way down to A-Deck. MIKE: Straight down the side of the ship. Hockley too has seen her jump. TOM: *Galen* Ship...persue. She is willing to die for this man, this gutter scum. He is overwhelmed by a rage so all consuming it eclipses all thought. CROW: So they're saying when he gets mad, he turns stupid. Understandable. MIKE: Come on, let's go. *MIKE PICKS TOM UP AND THEY HEAD OUT* 6...5...4...3...2...1...()==()* *MIKE COMES ONSCREEN. TOM AND SERVO ARE JUST SITTING THERE* MIKE: Hey, where's the bloodsucking Hellbeast? CROW: Oh, down in the kennel as usual...oh, you mean the lawyer! TOM: He left already. MIKE: Left? CROW: Yeah, we settled out of court. MIKE: For how much? TOM: 3 Million buckaroos, Mike! Mr. Tinker and Mr. Berg seemed very happy with the amount. MIKE: Tom? None of you have 3 million dollars. CROW: Don't worry, Mike. We put it on your credit card. MIKE: *STUNNED* My credi...Three million...three... TOM: What's wrong, Mike? CROW: Yeah, we charge so much stuff to your credit card, I think you'd be used to it by now! MIKE: *DISTANT* Guys, I'm gonna go lie down. TOM: Yeah, you go do that. *MIKE SLOWLY MOVES OFFSCREEN* CROW: Poor guy. Let's see what Pearl's up to. *TOM ADDRESSES THE CAMERA* TOM: Hey guys, Still haven't found Paleface's brain yet? *CASTLE FORRESTER, OBSERVER IS ON THE FLOOR RUNNING IN CIRCLES LIKE CURLY OF THE THREE STOOGES. BOBO HAS A MIRROR IN HIS HAND AND IS ABOUT TO PULL DOWN HIS PANTS. PEARL, AFTER LOOKING AT THE FIREPLACE, WALKS OVER TO THE CAMERA* PEARL: I just don't get it! Where could that brain have gone? I'm looking everywhere, Bobo's...*LOOKS AT THE TWO AND THEN BACK AT THE CAMERA * Looking, I guess... I just don't know where to search anymore. The lawyer's gone...*sigh* Look, you don't have to worry about us, it's not your problem. OBSERVER: *STILL ON THE FLOOR RUNNING IN CIRCLES* WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO... PEARL: Maybe the megalomaniacal mad scientist with ambitions of world domination gig just isn't for me. Take you guys for example. I've tortured you for three straight years and what has it gotten me? Zero, zilch, nada, a big fat nothing! This just isn't working out. You guys are free to come home, let me get you the access codes to guide the Satellite of Love to a safe landing on Earth. TOM: Oh, cheer up Pearl! CROW: Yeah. This script's doing HELLA damage. Mike's in tears and don't worry, Pearl. If the first 700 times you don't succeed in conquering the world. Try try again! *OBVIOUS SOUNDS OF MIKE SOBBING AND REPEATING "THREE MILLION DOLLARS..."ARE HEARD* TOM: Hey, Crow, do you hear something? CROW: *LOOKS AROUND, THEN BACK AT TOM* Nothing out of the ordinary. TOM: Oh, Okay then, just wanted to ask. *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: *SMILING SWEETLY* Oh you mean that? *SOL* TOM: Every word! *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Oh you guys are so sweet! Thank you. From the bottom of my black, soulless heart, I mean it. BOBO: *OFFSCREEN* Nope, not up there! *SOL* TOM: Oh, don't mention it, Pearl. We love ya! *MIKE COMES ONSCREEN, STILL DEPRESSED* MIKE: Hey guys, just getting a drink of water then I'm gonna go lie back down. What's Pearl want? CROW: Oh, Pearl was a little down. She offered to bring us back down to Earth, but since she's doing such a good job torturing us with the script, We cheered her up! MIKE: She offered to...and you didn't... *COMMERCIAL SIGN* TOM: Yep! We told her she didn't have to go so far as to take us down, so we gave her a shoulder to cry on! Cheered her right up! Boy I tell ya, it's always good to brighten someone's day. CROW: Ya got that right, Tommy! MIKE: *WHIMPERS* We'll be right back. *TAPS COMMERCIAL SIGN* *COMMERCIAL* *BACK FROM COMMERCIAL* *MIKE AND THE BOTS COME BACK INTO THE THEATER* TOM: Okay Mike, just put your head between your legs and breathe. MIKE: I can't believe you guys! CROW: Oh sue us, Mike! MIKE: There's been plenty of suing for one day, Crow. *sigh* We'll talk about this later. Let's get back to the script. CUT TO: 223 INT. GRAND STAIRCASE TRACKING WITH JACK as he bangs through the doors to the foyer and sprints down the stairs. He sees her coming into A-deck foyer, running toward him, Cal's long coat flying out behind her as she runs. MIKE: With Cal still in it. CROW: Ouch. They meet at the bottom of the stairs, and collide in an embrace. JACK Rose, Rose, you're so stupid, you're such an idiot-- TOM: Again, this from a guy who falls in love with the hands of one-legged hookers. And all the while he's kissing her and holding her as tight as he can. ROSE You jump, I jump, right? JACK Right. MIKE: You know, right about now I'm questioning this whole "You jump, I jump" philosophy. Hockley comes in and runs to the railing. Looking down he sees them locked in their embrace. Lovejoy comes up behind Cal and puts a restraining HAND on him, but Cal whips around, grabbing the pistol from Lovejoy's waistband in one cobra-fast move. ALL: Huzzah!! He RUNS along the rail and down the stairs. As he reaches the landing above them he raises the gun. SCREAMING in rage, he FIRES. CROW: Downsizing was BRUTAL back then. TOM: Y'know, ancient villages had this thing where they burned down houses that they didn't need, with the families inside... hence the term, "firing" someone. MIKE: That reminds me... Crow, do you still have my Talking Heads CD? The carved cherub at the foot of the center railing EXPLODES. TOM: *Cupid* Oh-kay, OH-KAY! Enough AL-freakin'-READY! I've been flyin' around in freezing weather, poppin' off arrows to all and sundry for about half a dozen millennia, now... and I still don't get a raise! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, EH? Jack pulls Rose toward the stairs going down to the next deck. CROW: *JACK* Here, I will pull you somewhere else in imminent danger. Cal fires again, MIKE: *Homer Simpson* James Cameron, you're cut. Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet you're both cut. Kathy Bates, Billy Zane and Bill Paxton, cut. Senator Oren Hatch, you're cut. Bruce Boxleitner, Peter Woodward, Michael Dorn, Hillary Clinton, Slobodon Milosovic, you're all cut….Satan's cut, Saddam Hussein's cut. The whole cast of 7th Heaven, you're all cut... running down the steps toward them. A bullet blows a divet out of the oak panelling behind Jack's head as he pulls Rose down the next flight of stairs. TOM: Damn. Missed. Hockley steps on the skittering head of the cherub statue and goes sprawling. ALL: *singing the theme to the Dick Van Dyke Show* The gun clatters across the marble floor. He gets up, and reeling drunkenly goes over to retrieve it. TOM: Gracie? Where! CUT TO: 224 INT. D-DECK RECEPTION ROOM The bottom of the grand staircase is flooded several feet deep. Jack and Rose come down the stairs two at a time and run straight into the water, fording across the room to where the floor slopes up, until they reach dry footing at the entrance to the dining saloon. STEADICAM WITH HOCKLEY as he reels down the stairs in time to see Jack and Rose splashing through the water toward the dining saloon. He FIRES twice. Big gouts of spray near them, but he's not a great shot. CROW: Of course, that's more of a compliment to him than anything. The water boils up around his feet and he retreast up the stairs a couple of steps. Around him the woodward groans and creaks. TOM: The Woodward groans and creaks? MIKE: Yeah. Edward Woodward of TV's "The Equalizer". Groans and creaks all the time. BOTS: Ahhhh. CAL (calling to them) Enjoy your time together!! MIKE: You know, that's really sick. CROW: Maybe he was talking about his Tarzan Action figure? Lovejoy arrives next to him. Cal suddenly remembers something and starts to laugh. LOVEJOY What could possible be funny? TOM: *CAL* Wasn't last night's "Everybody Loves Raymond" a hoot? CAL I put the diamond in my coat pocket. And I put my coat... on her. ALL: *hysterical laughter* MIKE: Then he says, "That's no horse, that's my wife!" ALL: *even more hysterical laughter* He turns to Lovejoy with a sickly expression, his eyes glittering. TOM: Uh-oh, Cal's been in the meth. CAL I give it to you... if you can get it. He hands Lovejoy the pistol and goes back up the stairs. Lovejoy thinks about it... then slogs into the water. The icewater is up to his waist as he crosses the pool into the dining saloon. CROW: When he gets there, he's up to his armpits in Mountain Dew. TOM: Umm, Crow...that isn't Mountain Dew. CUT TO: 225 INT. DINING SALOON Lovejoy moves among the tables and ornate columns, searching... listening... his eyes tracking rapidly. MIKE: Ah, he's a Xenomorph. Very slick, James. Very slick. It is a sea of tables, and they could be anywhere. A silver serving tolley rolls downhill, bumping into tables and pillars. TOM: Tilt, damn you! Tilt! He glances behind him. The water is following him into the room, advancing in a hundred foot wide tide. The reception room is now a roiling lake, and the grand staircase is submerged past the first landing. Monstrous groans echo through the ship. CROW: It can't believe it ate the whooooooole thing! ON JACK AND ROSE, TOM: On Donner, on Blitzen! crouched behind a table, somewhere in the middle. CROW: The Lewinsky Maneuver. They see the water advancing toward them, swirling over the floor. They crawl ahead of it to the next row of tables. JACK (whispering) Stay here. He moves off as-- Lovejoy moves over one row and looks along the tables. Nothing. TOM: Doesn't Lovejoy have thermal vision or infrared or something?? I mean, they're practically portraying him as Predator here! The ship GROANS and CREAKS. MIKE: Jeez, somebody get this ship some Pepto Bismol! CROW: Pepto Bismol my ass! Get this ship some Tavist-D! He moves another row. TOM: *high pitched British accent* You cannot escape me this time, Emma Peel! ANGLE ON A METAL CART... MIKE: *British Accent* I don't want to go on the cart. five feet tall and full of stacks of china dishes. It starts to roll down the aisle between tables. ON ROSE as the cart rolls toward her. It hits a table and the stacks of dishes topple out, EXPLODING across the floor and showering her. CROW:...with gifts! She scrambles out of the way and-- Lovejoy spins, seeing her. He moves rapidly toward her, keeping the gun aimed-- That's when Jack tackles him from the side. TOM: Holding, five yard penalty, FIRST DOWN! They slam together into a table, crashing over it, and toppling to the floor. They land in the water which is flowing rapidly between the tables. Jack and Lovejoy grapple in the icy water. MIKE: Honestly, should this EVEN be a contest? Jack jams his knee down on Lovejoy's hand, breaking his grip on the pistol, and kicks it away. Lovejoy scrmbles up and lunges at him, but Jack GUTPUCHES him right in the solar plexus, doubling him over. JACK Compliments of the Chippewa Falls Dawsons. He grabs Lovejoy and slams him into an ornate columb. Lovejoy drops to the floor with a splas, stunned. CROW: Well, Lovejoy. Congratulations. You just got your hinder kicked by a walking, talking string bean. Bet YOU feel like a right jackass, huh? JACK Let's go. Jack and Rose run aft... uphill... entering the galley. Behind them the tables have become islands in a lake... and the far end of the room is flooded up to the ceiling. TOM: It's living art! Lovejoy gets up and looks around for his gun. He pulls it up out of the water and wades after them. CUT TO: 226 INT. GALLEY / STAIRWELL They run throught the galley and Rose spots the stairs. She starts up and Jack grabs her hand. He leads her DOWN. Tom: So he wisened up and decided to force a double-suicide! Finally! They crouch together on the landing as Lovejoy runs to the stairs. Assuming they have gone up (who wouldn't?) he clombs up them two at a time. CROW: Unless he's dyslexic. TOM: And exactly how does people "Clomb" up stairs? MIKE: This script is a B movie in itself. They wait for the footstep to recede. A long CREAKING GROAN. CROW: What DID that ship eat?? MIKE: 1500 tons of ice. CROW: That'd do it, all right. Then they hear it... a CRYING CHILD. Below them. They go down a frew steps to looks along the next deck. TOM: I have a little chocolate for you if you come out! MIKE: *child* My daddy says never talk to noodly strangers! TOM: Asshole. MIKE: TOM!!!!! TOM: What. You let me get away with the S word during "This Island Earth". CUT TO: CROW: The quick! 227 INT. E-DECK CORRIDORS The corridor is awash, about a foot deep. Standing against the wall, about 50 feet away, is a little BOY, aobut 3. The water swirls around his legs and he is wailing. MIKE: Ah, a member of N'Sync. ROSE We can't leave him. Jack nods and they leave the promise of escape up the stairwell to run to the child. Jack scoops up the kid CROW: Mr. Cameron, I know you want us to suspend our disbelief and believe me, we've tried. But to actually believe that Leonardo DiCaprio can lift a 35 pound toddler is going too far. and they run back to the stairs but- MIKE: Brett Hull checks them into the glass! A torrent of water comes pouring down the stairs like rapids. In seconds it is too powerful for them to go against. TOM: So don't ask them to be salmon. JACK Come on. MIKE: Feel the noise, girls rock your….nevermind. Charging the other way down the flooding corridor, they blast up spray with each footstep. At the end of the hall are heavy double doors. As Jack approaches them he sees water spraying through the gap between the doors right up to the ceiling. The doors groan and start to crack under the tons of pressure. ALL: Pressure! CROW: *singing* Pushin' down on you, pushin' down on me…no man ask for. JACK Back! Go back!! Rose pivots and runs back the way they came, taking a turn into a cross-corridor. A MAN is coming the other way. He sees the boy in Jack's arms and cries out, grabbing him away from Jack. Starts cursing him in Russian. He runs on with the boy-- TOM: The workers control the means of production! ROSE No! Not that way! Come back! MIKE: *Russian accent* No, you are DiCaprio the Great Satan, I must flee you! 228 DOUBLE DOORS BLAST OPEN. TOM: *Game Show host* Johnny tell 'em what they've won! CROW: *Game Show announcer* A wall of water! A wall of water thunders into the corridor. The father and child DISAPPEAR instantly. ALL: HUZZAH! Jack and Rose run as a wave blasts around the corner, foaming from floor to ceiling. It gains on them like a locomotive. They make it to a stairway going up. MIKE: To heaven! 229 INT. STAIRWELL Jack and Rose pound up the steps as white water swirls up behind them. PULL BACK to reveal that a steel gate blocks the top of the stairs. Jack SLAMS against the fate, gripping the bars. CROW: *sarcastic* Ooh, Leo. He's so manly. A terrified steward standing guard on the landing above turns to run at the sight of the water thundering up the stairs. TOM: Ohhhh…poopie. JACK Wait! Wait! Help us! Unlock the gate. MIKE: Throw me the whip! CROW: Throw me the idol! MIKE: Throw me the whip! CROW: Throw me the idol! The steward runs on. The water wells up around Jack and Rose, pouring through the gate and slamming them against it. In seconds it is up to their waist. ROSE Help us! Please! The steward stops and looks back. He sees Jack and Rose at the gate, their arms raching through... sees the water POURING through the gate onto the landing. MIKE: Boy, they didn't get that incontinence problem of Rose's licked, I guess. TOM: and like a typical woman, she'll blame it on PMS. STEWARD Fucking 'ell! ALL: *GASP* He runs back, slogging against the curretn. He pulls a key ring from his belt and struggles to unlock the padlock as the water fountains up around them. CROW: Wear a pad next time woman!! MIKE: Ok that's it...*TAKING CROW OUT BY THE HOCKEY MASK ON HIS HEAD * TOM: Umm...Mike we can't leave the theater…. MIKE: *COMING BACK, SITTING CROW BACK DOWN* Oh that's right. Darn. The lights short out and the landing is plunged into darkness. The water rises over the lock and he's doing it by feel. MIKE: Doing WHAT by feel, I dare not ask. JACK Come on! Come on! Jack and Rose are right up against the ceiling... CROW: UGH! Mike, this is worse than that scene in "Comin' At Ya" with the baby's butt! TOM: Wow, that was vague. Suddenly the gate gives and SWINGS OPEN. They are pushing through by the force of the water. MIKE: Oh, the Atlantic Ocean's a Jedi. How conveen. They make it to stairs on the other side of the landing TOM: Where the plot is expected to impact with a thud… and follow the steward up to the next deck. CUT TO: 230 EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD SIDE Cal comes reeling out of the first class entrance, looking wild-eyed. The lurches down the deck toward the bridge. Waltz music wafts over the ship. Somewhere the band is still playing. TOM: Somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Mudville, Mighty Casey has struck out. CAL'S POV: A little girl, maybe two years old, is crying along in the alcove. She looks up at Cal beseechingly. Cal moves on without a glance back... reaching a large crowd clustered around COLLAPSIBLE A just aft of the bridge. He sees Murdoch and a number of crewmen struggling to drag the boat to the davits, with no luck. CROW: Somebody get Marlon Brando out of there! Cal pushes forward, trying to signal Murdoch, TOM: A one-fingered signal, I bet. but the officer ignores him. Nearby Tommy and Fabrizio are being pushed forward by the crowd behind. ALL: MOSH PIT!!!! PURSER MCELROY pushes them back, getting a couple of seamen to help him. He brandishes his gun, waving it in the air, CROW: *in rap* Wavin' it all around like he just don't care… yelling for the crowd to stay back. CUT TO: 231 EXT. BOAT DECK, PORT SIDE / ROOF OF OFFICERS' QUARTERS Lightoller, with a group of crew and passengers, is trying to get Collapsible B down from the roof. They slide it down a pair of oars leaned against the deck house. TOM: Nope, nothin' going on here *whistling conspicuously* LIGHTOLLER Hold it! Hold it! The weight of the boat snaps the oars and it crashes to the deck, upside down. CROW: Well now it's a pontoon. The two Swedish cousins, OLAUS and BJORN GUNERSEN, jump back as the boat nearly hits them. MIKE: They're cousins. TOM: Identical cousins? All the way? CROW: One pair of matching book-ends different as night and day. CUT TO: TOM: Bombay, India 232 OMITTED 233 INT. STAIRWELL Jack and Rose run up seemingly endless stairs as the ship groans and torgues around them. CROW: They shouldn't have hired Escher to design the ship. CUT TO: 234 EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD SIDE Murdoch, at Collapsible A, is no longer in control. The crowd is threatening to rush the boat. They push and jostle, yelling and shouting at the officers. MIKE and CROW: *make heavy metal music sounds* The pressure from behind pushes them forward, and one guy falls off the edge of the deck into the water less than ten feet below. TOM: *guy, falling* I MEANT TO DO THAAAAAAT... TOMMY Give us a chance to live, you limey bastards! MIKE: *MURDOCH* I'm not lime, I'm cherry flavored! Murdoch fires his Webley twice in the air, then point it at the crowd. CROW: *Dirty Harry* I know what you're thinking, did I fire six shots or only five? MURDOCH I'll shoot any man who tries to get past me. TOM: A new tactic for soccer goalies. Cal steps up to him. MIKE: *CAL* You wanna go? Huh? You want some of this? Huh? CAL We had a deal, damn you. Murdoch pushes him back, pointing the pistol at Cal. TOM: *British Accent* All bets are off, Mr. Bond. MURDOCH Get back! CROW: Get back to where you once belonged! A man next to Tommy rushes forward, and Tommy is shoved from behind. Murdoch SHOOTS the first man, and seeing Tommy coming forward, puts a bullet into his chest. TOM: Tommy, can you hear me? Can you feel me shoot you? Tommy collapses, and Fabrizio grabs him, holding him in his arms as his life flows out over the deck. MIKE: He was three days away from retirement!! Murdoch turns to his men and salutes smartly. Then he puts the pistol to his temple and... BLAM! He drops like a puppet with the strings cut and topples over the edge of the boat deck into the water only a few feet below. CROW: Ya gotta feel for the man...he knows how to treat ...passengers... MIKE: Crow...what the heck is going on with you? CROW: *eyeing MIKE suspiciously* You look like one of "them"... Cal stares in horror at Murdoch's body bobbing in the black water. The MONEY FLOATS out of the pocket of his greatcoat, TOM: It wasn't THAT great... the bills spreading across the surface. MIKE: Pullman! Clinton! Bradley! Swim for your lives!! The crew rush to get the last few women aboart the boat. PURSER MCELROY (calling above the confusion) Any more women or children?! CROW: No thanks, we're drowning the rest. THE CHILD crying in the alcove. Cal scoops her up and runs forward, MIKE: Hockley's got the fumble! He takes it in for a touchdown, VIKINGS WIN!!! TOM and CROW: *crowd noises* cradling her in his arms. CAL (forcing his way through the crowd) Here's a child! I've got a child! TOM: Oh, I get it. In 1912, Child = Furby. MIKE: Pretty much. CROW: It's only a passenger. MIKE: Last chance, golden boy. CAL (CONT'D) (to McElroy) Please... I'm all she has in the world. CROW: *CAL* And by that I mean that I am exploiting modern chivalrous maritime practices in order to play on your sympathies and save my own skin. McElroy nods curtly and pushes him into the boat. TOM: The starving hyenas lurking inside strike and tear Cal to tiny bits. CROW: *MCELROY, laughing evilly* He spins with his gun, brandishing it in the air to keep the other men back. Cal gets into the boat, holding the little girl. He takes a seat with the women. MIKE: *CAL* Dignity be damned, I'm outta here. Any service available? CAL There, there. CUT TO: 235 INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKE ROOM CROW: Must have one big hookah in there. Thomas Andrews stands in front of the fireplace, staring at the large painting above the mantle. MIKE: I can almost make it out... TOM: Hey, it's a sailboat. MIKE: D'OH!!!! The fire is still going in the fireplace. CROW: Gone... TOM: Gone? Why did you say gone? CROW: A rather woody sounding word, don't you think? The room is empty except for Andrews. An ashtray falls off the table. Behind him Jack and Rose run into the room, out of breath and soaked. They run through, toward the aft revolving door... then Rose recognizes him. She sees that his lifebelt is off, lying on a table. CROW: Going somewhere, PASSenger?? *snicker* ROSE Won't you even make a try for it, Mr. Andrews? TOM: *ANDREWS* Not yet, I can almost see what's in the picture… MIKE: *JACK* Hey, a sailboat! TOM: *ANDREWS* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGH!!!! ANDREWS (a tear rolls down his cheek) I'm sorry that I didn't build you a stronger ship, young Rose. CROW: *ROSE* Can you make me a nice Sea-Doo, then? JACK (to her) It's going fast... we've got to keep moving. Andrews picks up his lifebelt and hands it to her. MIKE: *ANDREWS* Here, you'll sink right to the bottom but it'll withstand a direct artillery hit ANDREWS Good luck to you, Rose. ROSE (hugging him) And to you, Mr. Andrews. TOM: *ANDREWS* You say that like I'm going to die...oh yeah, riiiight. Jack pulls her away and they run through the revolving door. CUT TO: 236 EXT. BOAT DECK AND VARIOUS LOCATIONS The band finishes the waltz. Wallace Hartley looks at the orchestra members. MIKE: *HARTLEY* Honestly guys, it's our last moments on Earth, is it too much to ask to play GOOD? HARTLEY Right, that's it then. CROW: *HARTLEY* Time to play Fade to Black. They leave him, walking forward along the deck. Hartley puts his violin to his chin and bows the first notes of "Nearer My God to Thee". One by one the band memebers turn, hearing the lonely melody. TOM: *British accent* Give it up, Wallace, it's over. Don't you understand? Without a word they walk back and take their places. They join in with Hartley, filling out the sound so that it reaches all over the ship on this still night. The vocalist begins: "If in my dreams I be, nearer my God to thee..." CROW: *singing, sounding suspiciously like Don McLean* And they were singin' bye bye Miss American Pie... THE HYMN PLAYS OVER THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE: CROW: A HYMN?? A HYMN?? Why not a HYRR? That's so sexist! 237 A seaman pulls off his lifebelt and catches up to Captain Smith as he walks to the bridge. He proffers it, but Smith seems to stare through him. Without a word he turns and goes onto the bridge. He enters the enclosed WHEELHOUSE and closes the door. He is alone, surrounded by the gleaming brass instruments. He seems to inwardly collapse. MIKE: *SMITH* Hello Mr. Steering Wheel. How do you do Mr. Compass? Hello Mr. Navigational Doo-Hickey. Hello Mr. Thingamabob That Would Probably Explode… 238 IN THE FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM Andrews stands like a statue. He pulls out his pocketwatch and checks the time. TOM: I'm Ed Bradley…. MIKE: Quit it. Then he opens the face of the mantle clock and adjusts it to the correct time: CROW: 4:20. 2:12 a.m. Everything must be correct. MIKE: Even in death, anal retentive. 239 IN CAL'S PARLOUR SUITE water swirls in from the private promenade deck. Rose's paintings are submerged. The Picasso tranforms under the water's rface. Degas' colors run. Monet's water lilies come to life. TOM: And Artie and Leech's "Starry Night" glitters like a beacon… CROW: Faaaaaaaaaaaan….. TOM: Don't say it, Crow... CROW: *softly* ...boy. 240 DOWNANGLE on the two figures lying side by side, fully clothed, on a bed in a FIRST CLASS CABIN. Elderly Ida and Isador Strauss stare at the ceiling, holding hands like young lovers. Water pours into the room through a doorway. It swirls around the bed, two feet deep rising fast. TOM and CROW: *singing, TOM in falsetto* Through fortune's changes still...always we know...that the promise we made... MIKE: STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! 241 IN A STEERAGE CABIN somewhere in the bowels of the ship, CROW: Nutrients digest and become waste matter! the young IRISH MOTHER, seen earlier stoically waiting at the stairs, is tucking her two young children into bed. She pulls up the covers, making sure they are all warm and cozy. She lies down with them on the bed, speaking soothingly and holding them. MIKE: Then suddenly, they're up because darnit, it's time for Teletubbies! CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK / BRIDGE 242 IN A WIDE SHOT we see a wave travel up the boat deck as the bridge house sinks into the water. CROW: I'm picking up a subtle product placement ad for Dry-Lok, here... 243 ON THE PORT SIDE TOM: *chuckles* Ah! William Howard Taft? CROW: Yep, I'd say he was on the *portly* side! Collapsible B is picked up by water. TOM: Say...is that a barnacle in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants. Working frantically, the men try to detach it from the falls so the ship won't drag it under. Colonel Gracie hands Lightoller a pocket knife and he saws furiously at the ropes as the water swirls around his legs. The boat, still upside down, is swept off the ship. Men start diving in, swimming to stay with it. TOM: With Gene Hackman still inside? MIKE: Ever notice that "Poseidon Adventure" sounds kind of like "Upside-Down Adventure?" CROW: And have you ever noticed how "Titanic" sounds kind of like...*leans over and makes vomiting noises* 244 IN COLLAPSIBLE A Cal sits next to the wailig child, whom he has completely forgotten. CROW: Now THAT'S a short attention span! Ay carumba! MIKE: Maybe he just forgot to take his gingko biloba supplement this morning... He watches the water rising around the men as they work, TOM: *singing* Whistle while you work! *whistles lightly* scrambling to get the ropes cut so the ship won't drag the collapsible under. CROW: So, in essence, they're saying…*singing* Don't bring me down… MIKE: Crow, please don't visit the blight of E.L.O upon us. We have to put up with enough as it is. Fabrizio removes the lifebelt from Tommy's body and struggles to put it on as the water rises around him. TOM: Mike, remind me here. Is grave-robbing still a criminal offense? MIKE: Pretty much... why? TOM: Oh, just checking. 245 CAPTAIN SMITH, standing near the wheel, watches the black water climbing the windows of the enclosed wheelhouse. MIKE: *thrilled* "The Pirates of Black Water?" That's a classic! I love that movie! CROW: Ah, you probably only remember it from the clip they showed in "The Goonies." He has the stricken expression of a damned soul on Judgment Day. TOM: The War against the Machines begins... The windows burst suddenly and aw all of water edged with shards of glass slams into Smith. He disappears in a vortex of foam. MIKE: Death by Burma Shave. 246 Collapsible A is hit by a wave as the bow plunges suddenly. It partially swamps the boat, TOM: Enter Dick Durock... washing it along the deck. Over a hundred passengers are plunged into the freezing water and the area around the boat becomes a frenzy of splashing, screaming people. CROW: Then suddenly, impromptu sessions of "Marco Polo" break out. As men are trying to climb into the callapsible, Cal grabs an oar and pushes them back into the water. TOM: He don't want no scrubs. CAL Get back! You'll swamp us! TOM: Y'know, Francis "The Swamp Fox" Marion was kind of a pioneer in jungle warfare during the Revolutionary War... MIKE: Okay, Tom. As soon as we get out of here I'm cutting your Learning Channel feed. Fabrizio, swimming for his life, gets swirled under a davit. The ropes and pulleys tangle around him as the davit goes under the water, and he is dragged down. ALL: Yes! CROW: Fabrizio's dead, THERE IS A GOD! Underwater he struggles to free himself, and then kicks back to the surface. ALL: Awwww, man! He surfaces, gasping for air in the freezing water. 247 WALLACE HARTLEY sees the water rolling rapidly up the deck toward them. He holds the last note of the hymn in a sustain, and then lowers his violin. TOM: Realizing how much they truly suck. HARTLEY Gentlemen, it has been a previlege playing with you tonight. MIKE: *HARTLEY* Actually I'm lying, you lousy bunch of third rate hacks. CUT TO: 248 EXT. A-DECK AFT, PORT SIDE TOM: William Howard... CROW and MIKE: TOM! Jack and Rose run out of the PALM COURT into a dense crowd. Jack pushes his way to the rail and looks at the state of the ship. CROW: *JACK* Yep, still sinking. The bridge is under water and tehre is chaos on deck. Jack helps her put her lifebelt on. People stream around them, shouting and pushing. JACK Okay... we keep moving aft. We have to stay on the ship as long as possible. TOM: Oh, so logic = death. MIKE: I can imagine Jack as being the guy that talked Mrs. O'Leary's cow into kicking over that lantern. They push their way aft through the panicking crowd. CUT TO: 249 EXT. FORWARD FUNNEL Collapsible A is whirled like a leaf in the currents around the sining ship. It slams against the side of the forward funnel. ALL: *singing* The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed… CAL (to the crew in the boat) Row! Row you bastards!! TOM: *A Sergeant* Come on, you apes, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?? 250 NEARBY: Fabrizio is drawn up against the grating of a STOKEHOLD VENT as water pours through it. CROW: *chuckling* Hey Tom...wanna know who's in charge of the Stokehold vent? MIKE: Crow… TOM: Sure, Crow. MIKE: Don't say it, Crow… CROW: STOKEHOLD STEVE AUSTIN! *laughing* MIKE: *sigh* The force of tons of water roaring down the ship traps him against it, and he is dragged down under the surface as the ship sinks. He struggles to free himself but cannot. CROW: Yeah, Fabrizio's lucky...Lucky as a black cat walking under a ladder with a broken mirror in his teeth! Suddenly there is a concussion deep in the bowels of the ship as a furnace explodes and a blast of hot air belches out of hte ventilator, ejecting Fabrizio. TOM: Who wouldn't? He surfaces in a roar of foam and keeps swimming. CUT TO: 251 EXT. A-DECK / B-DECK / WELL DECK, AFT Jack and Rose clamber over the A-Deck aft rail. Then, using all his strength, he lowers her toward the deck below, holding on with one hand. She dangles, then falls. Jack jumps down behind her. CROW: This is not exactly how I remember that nursery rhyme going... They join a crush of people literally clawing and scrambling over each other to get down the narrow stairs to the well deck... the only way aft. TOM: More hair-raising than a teenybopper crowd at a Limp Bizkit concert! MIKE: Ouch! Seeing that the stairs are impossible, CROW: Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. This banister will self-destruct in five seconds. Jack climbs over the B-Deck railing and helps Rose over. He lowers her again, and she falls in a heap. Baker Joughin, now three sheets to the wind, happens to be next to her. He hauls Rose to her feet. Jack drops down and the three of them push through the crowd across the well deck. Near them, at the rail, people are jumping into the water. MIKE: Triathalon gold medal, here we come! The ship GROANS and SHUDDERS. The man ahead of Jack is walking like a zombie. TOM: *singing* Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam in the back of my DRAGULA! MIKE: Not that kind of Zombie, Tom. I WISH, but not that kind of Zombie. MAN Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death-- JACK You wanna walk a little faster through that valley, fella? MIKE: *MAN* You wanna see what the inside of your rectum looks like, kid? CUT TO: 252 EXT. FORWARD FUNNEL The stay cables along the top of the funnel snap, and they lash like steel whips down into the water. Cal watches as the funnel topples from its mounts. Falling like a temple pillar twenty eight feet across it whomps into the water with a tremendous splash. People swimming underneath it disappear in an instant. CROW: *Jar-Jar* Ship-sa millions of people gonna die? MIKE: You had to do that, Crow? CROW: hehehe... Fabrizio, a few feet away, is hurled back by a huge wave. ALL: Woo-hoo! He comes up, gasping... still swimming. ALL: Awww… The water pouring into the open end of the funnel draws in several swimmers. The funnel sinks, disappearing, but-- TOM: The frosted side still stays crunchy in milk! Hundreds of tons of water pour down through the 30 foot hole where the funnel stood, thundering down into the belly of the ship. A whirlpool forms, a hole in the ocean, like at enormous toiler- flush. T. W. McCauley, the gym instructor swims in a frenzy as the vortex draws him in. He is sucked down like a spider going down a drain. CROW: *childlike* Fitness Instructor go down da hoooooooole. Fabrizio, nearby, swims like Hell as more people are sucked down behind him. He manages to get clear. He's going to live no matter what it takes. TOM: I think Sir James has started to write a song here, guys. CUT TO: 253 INT. BOAT DECK FOYER / GRAND STAIRCASE Water raors through the doors and windows, cascading down the stairs like a rapids. John Jacob Astor is swept down the marble steps to A-Deck, which is already flooded... a roiling vortex. CROW: *ASTOR* Oh poopie… He grabs the headless cherub at the bottom of the staircase and wraps his arms around it. Astor looks up in time to see the 30 foot glass dome overhead EXPLOSE INWARD with the wave of water washing over it. CROW: *ASTOR* Oh double poopie… A Niagara of sea water thunders down into the room, blasting through the first class opulence. CROW: *ASTOR* Oh triple poopie… IT is the Armageddon of elegance. MIKE: Coming this summer to a theater near you. Rated R. CUT TO: 254 OMITTED 255 INT. BELOWDECKS The flooding is horrific. TOM: But the water damage benign. Walls and doors are splintered like kindling. Water roars down corridors with pile-driver force. MIKE: *pinches both their mouths shut* No wrestling riffs. The CARTMELL FAMILY is at the top of a stairwell, jammed against a locked gate like Jack and Rose were. Water boils up the stairwell behind them. Bert Cartmell shakes the gate futilely, shouting for help. Little Cora wails as the water boils up around them all. CROW: *Cartman* Get me off this ship, you tree-huggin' hippie! Respect mah authoritah! MIKE: CARTMELL, Crow, not CartMAN! CUT TO: 256 EXT. STERN Rose and Jack struggle to climb the well deck stairs as the ship tilts. Drunk Baker Joughin puts a hand squarely on Rose's butt and shoves her up onto the deck. TOM: *Austin Powers* Ooh, behave! JOUGHIN Sorry, miss! MIKE: *JOUGHIN* Before we all die, how do you pronounce my name? Hundreds of people are already on the poop deck, and more are pouring up every second. Jack and Rose cling together as tehy struggle across the tilting deck. CROW: Well if ya wouldn't bump the table so much then maybe ya WOULDN'T tilt, ya jerk! 257 As the bow goes down, the STERN RISES. IN BOAT 2, which is just off the stern, passengers gape as the giant bronze propellers rise out of the water like gods of the deep, FILLING FRAME behind them. MIKE: Hi, this is Poseidon. I'd just like to let you know that there is only one God of the Deep. Moi. Don't be fooled by imitators. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the script. People are JUMPING from the well deck, the poop deck, the gangway doors. Some hit debris in the water and are hurt or killed. TOM: Man, When a toy store restocks on Talking Bubbas, it's madness! 258 OMITTED 259 OMITTED 260 EXT. STERN ON THE POOP DECK Jack and Rose struggle aft as the angle increases. Hundreds of passengers, clinging to every fixed object on deck, huddle on their knees around FATHER BYLES, who has his voice raised in prayer. They are praying, sobbing, or just staring at nothing, their minds blank with dread. TOM: Isn't that usually left for Judas Priest or Twisted Sister or something? Pulling himself from handhold to handhold, Jack tugs Rose aft along the deck. JACK Come on, Rose. We can't expect God to do all the work for us. MIKE: *GOD* Who says I'm doing ANY work for you, ya feeb? They struggle on, pushing through the praying people. A MAN loses his footing ahead and slides toward them. Jack helps him. 261 THE PROPELLERS MIKE: Weren't they an easy-going pop rock band from the early eighties? CROW: Does have kind of that ring to it... are twenty feet above the water and rising faster. TOM: Mercury Rising? CROW: Rising Sun? MIKE: Ninety-eight Degrees and... ahh... *quiets suddenly* TOM: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Mr. Nelson. 262 JACK AND ROSE make it to the stern rail, right at the base of the flagpole. They grip the rai, jammed in between other people. It is the spot where Jack pulled her back onto the ship, just two night... and a lifetime... CROW: *falsetto* Television for Women. ago. Above the wailing and sobbing, Father Byles' voice carries, cracking with emotion. FATHER BYLES ...and I saw new heavens and a new earth. The former heavens and the former earth had passed away and the sea was no longer. MIKE: Okay, go on. The lights flicker, threatening to go out. Rose grips Jack as the stern rises into a night sky ablaze with stars. FATHER BYLES I also saw a new Jerusalem, the holy city coming down out of heaven from God, beautiful as a bride prepared to meet her husband. MIKE: Okay that's a pretty accurate description. Did you hear any strange noises? I heard a loud voice from the throne ring out this is God's dwelling among men. MIKE: Okay. Go on. He shall dwell with them and they shall be his people and He shall be their God who is alway with them. MIKE: Okay, I think that's enough information. We'll call you if we get any new leads on the suspect, Father. Thank you for your cooperation. Rose stares about her at the faces of the doomed. Near them are the DAHL FAMILY, clinging together stoically. Helga looks at her briefly, and her eyes are infinitely sad. CROW: Hey Mike, did you hear about the New Swedish Navy? MIKE: Ya know, Crow? I've heard that one. Rose sees a young mother next to her, clutching her five year old son, who is crying in terror. MOTHER Shhh. Don't cry. It'll be over soon, darling. It'll all be over soon. TOM: If only we could be so lucky! FATHER BYLES He shall wipe every tear from their eyes. And there shall be no more death or mourning, crying out or pain, for the former world has passed away. CROW: Something Mike would know about… MIKE: That's going to haunt me for the rest of my life, isn't it? CROW: Fraid so, Kemosabe. CUT TO: INT. SHIP-- VARIOUS As the ship tilts further everything not bolted down inside shifts. TOM: Ah, here's a good example of the explanation of the sickeningly obvious. 263 CUPBOARDS burst open in the pantry showering the floor with tons of china. A PIANO slides across the floor, MIKE: Holly Hunter gives chase. crashing into a wall. FURNITURE tumbles across the Smoking Room floor. CROW: Ashes to ashes...I guess. 264 ON THE A-DECK PROMENADE passengers lose their grip and slide down the wooden deck like a bobsled run, hundreds of feet before they hit the water. TRUDY BOLT, Rose's maid, slips as she struggles along the railing and slides away screaming. 265 AT THE STERN the propellers are 100 feet out of the water and rising. Panicking people leap from the poop deck rail, fall screaming and hit the water like mortar rounds. A man falls from the poop deck, hitting the bronze hub of the starboard propeller with a sickening smack. ALL: OOH! CROW: HE'LL never play Jumanji again. 266 SWIMMERS LOOK UP and see the stern towering over them like a monolith, ALL: *hum the opening notes of "Thus Spake Zathrustra"* the propellers rising against the stars. 110 feet. 120. TOM: IT MIGHT BE...IT COULD BE...IT IS! IT'S A HOME RUN! 267 AT THE STERN RAIL a man jumps. IN HIS POV we fall seemingly forever, MIKE: You know, on a clear day you can fall forever. TOM: Really? right past one of the giant screws. The water rushes up- CROW: And bitch-slaps his punk ass. CUT TO: EXT. TITANIC / BOAT 6 268 TRACKING SLOWLY IN on Ruth as the sounds of the dying ship and the screaming people come across the water. TOM: So if a ship breaks in half and everyone's around, it DOES make a sound. 269 REVERSE / HER POV: IN A WIDE SHOT we see the spectacle of the Titanic, her lights blazing, reflecting in the still water. Its stern is high in the air, angles up over forty five degrees. The propellers are 150 feet out of the water. Over a thousand passengers cling to the decks, looking from a distance like a swarm of bees. TOM: *British accent* GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!! CROW: D'oh!! MIKE: *Sigh* TOM: Heh-heh... The image is shocking, unbelieveable, unthinkable. Ruth stares at the spectacle, unable to frame it or put it into any proportion. MOLLY BROWN God Almighty. MIKE: *God* That's it, you're going to Hell, sister. I swear it. The great liner's lights flicker. CUT TO: 270 INT. ENGINE ROOM CROW: *in a VERY familiar female voice* This is where the engine lives! In darkness Chief Engineer Bell hangs onto a pipe at the master braker panel. Around him men climb through tilted cyclopean mahcines with electric hand-torches. TOM: Once again, James you won't be sued for calling them FLASHLIGHTS. It is a black hell of breaking pipes, spraying water, and groaning machinery threatening to tear right out of its bedplates. Water sprays down, hitting the breaker panel, but Bell will not leave his post. CLUNK. The breakers kick. He slams them in again and-- WHOOM! a blast of light! Something melts and arcing fills the engine room with nightmarish light-- TOM: Constructive use of verbal sound effects! CUT TO: 271 EXT. TITANIC WIDE SHOT. The lights go out all over the ship. Titanic becomes a vast black silhouette against the stars. CROW: James Cameron's "Titanic", now in Shadowrama. MIKE: Shadow-whatzit? IN COLLAPSIBLE C: BRUCE ISMAY has his back to the ship, unable to watch the great steamer die. He is catatonic with remorse, his mind overloaded. He can avert his eyes, but he can't block out the sounds of dying people and machinery. MIKE: See? WEATHERPROOF! TOM: *Bill Paxton* This is NOT happening, man! Why don't' you put the little GIRL in charge! I AM ready to go back to Titanic, man! A loud CRACKING REPORT comes across the water. MIKE: Avalanche sweep the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. Bums. CUT TO: 272 EXT. BOAT DECK Near the third funnel a man clutches the ship's rail. He stares down as the DECK SPLITS right between his feet. A yawning chasm opens with a THUNDER of breaking steel TOM: *yawning* Man, what time is it, I slept like a rock! LOVEJOY is clutching the railing on the roof of the Officers' Mess. He watches in horror as the ship's structure RIPS APART right in front of him. CROW: *LOVEJOY* What's that word again? Oh right..."poopie". He gapes down into a widening maw, seeing straight down into the bowels of the ship, amid a BOOMING CONCUSSION like the sound of artillery. TOM: Okay, what are you people from Saving Private Ryan doing here? People falling into the widening crevasse look like dolls. The stay cables on the funnel part and snap across the decks like whips, ripping off davits and ventilators. A man is hit by a whipping cable and snatched OUT OF FRAME. Another cable smashes the rail next to Lovejoy and it rips free. CROW: *LOVEJOY* I can't help but sense something bad is about to happen. He falls backward into the pit of jagged metal. ALL: *singing* Fall into The Gap. Fires, explosions and sparks light the yawning chasm as the hull splits down through nine decks to the keel. The sea pours into the gaping wound-- MIKE: Saltwater in an open wound, hurts just READING it. CUT TO: 273 INT. ENGINE ROOM It is a thundering black hell. Men scream as monstrous machinery comes apart around them, CROW: They just don't make 'em like they currently do! Ha! steel frames twisting like taffy. MIKE: And once that salt-water gets in there, makes it surprisingly nummy. Their torches illuminate the roaring, foaming demon of water as it races at the through the manchines. Trying to climb they are overtaken in seconds. CUT TO: 274 EXT. TITANIC - NIGHT The STERN ALF of the ship, almost four hundred feet long, falls back toward the water. On the poop deck everyone screams as they feel themselves plummeting. The sound goes up like the roar of fans at a baseball stadium when a run is scored. MIKE: Only it's understandably less joyous. Swimming in the water directly under the stern a few unfortunates shriek as they see the keel coming down on them like God's bootheel. The massive stern section falls back almost level, thundering down into the sea and pushing out a mighty wave of displaced water. MIKE: The municipal pool will be closed until further notice. Jack and Rose struggle to hole onto the stern rail. They feel the ship seemingly RIGHT ITSELF. CROW: *Eminem* Am I sinking or floating? I can barely decide. I just drank a fifth of vodka. Dare me to drive? TOM: Hi, my name is… CROW: Who? TOM: My name is… CROW: Huh? TOM: My name is… CROW: Titanic. Some of those praying think it is salvation. MIKE: Those same people that are thinking that this is all part of the cruise. SEVERAL PEOPLE We're saved! CROW: *southern drawl* Gloreh Halle-LEWYAH SISTER! Jack looks at Rose and shakes his head, grimley. MIKE: *Ed Grimley* It's a very precarious situation, ah must say! Now the horrible mechanics play out. Pulled down by the awesome weight of the flooded bow, the buoyant stern tilts up rapidly. They feel the RUSH OF ASCENT as the fantail angles up again. Everyone is clinging to benches, railings, ventilators... anything to keep from sliding as the stern lifts. TOM: This would make one awesome ride at Universal. CROW: Yeah. They can put it right between "Back to the Future: The Ride" and the "Steel Magnolias Stunt Spectacular". The stern goes up and up, past 45 degrees, then past sixty. People start to fall, sliding and tumbling. They skid down the deck, screaming and flailing to grab onto somehting. They wrench other people loose and pull them down as well. There is a pile-up of bodies at the forward rail. The DAHL FAMILY falls one by one. JACK We have to move! MIKE: Down, into the drink. He climbs over the stern rail and reaches back for Rose. She is terrified to move. He grabs her hand. JACK Come on! I've got you! ALL: Babe! Jack pulls her over the rail. It is the same place he pulled her over the rail two nights earlier, going the other direction. CROW: That was SIXTEEN-FRICKIN' HOURS AGO...just in case you forgot. She gets over just as the railing is going HORIZONTAL, and the deck VERITCAL. Jack grips her fiercely. The stern is now straight up in the air... a rumbling black monolith standing against the stars. MIKE: *deep voice* Hey, it was kinda dead over in 2001, just thought I'd pop back over here and see what was going on. Got yourself a shipwreck, I see. Neat. It hangs there like that for a long grace note, its buoyancy stable. Rose lies on the railing, looking down fifteen stories to the boiling sea at the base of the stern section. People near them, who didn't climb over, hang from the railing, their legs dangling over the long drop. CROW: Come with us, Michael! MIKE: You're one of us now! ALL: Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! They fall one by one, plummeting down the vertical face of the poop deck. Some of them bounce horribly off deck benches and ventilators. TOM: Skittles. Taste the Rainbow. MIKE: Oh, now that was pretty low, Tom. TOM: I can't help it, Mike, this script SUCKS! Jack and Rose lie side by side on what was the vertical face of the hull, gripping the railing, which is now horizontal. Just beneath their feet are the gold letters TITANIC emblazoned across the stern. CROW: *Howard Stern* I am hung like a pimple! And I have the name of a ship tattooed on my ass! This is the hell that is my life. Rose stares down terrified at the black ocean waiting below to claim them. Jack looks to his left and sees Baker Joughin, crouching on the hull, holding onto the railing. It is a surreal moment. TOM: *JACK* Oh what I wouldn't give for a pointy stick, a peashooter, a shotgun, ANYTHING! JOUGHIN (nodding a greeting) MIKE: Oddly enough, it's "Heil Hitler". Helluva night. CROW: He's just Joughin him. The final relentless plunge begins as the stern section floods. Looking down a hundred feet to the water, we drop like an elevator with Jack and Rose. MIKE: *Droopy Dog* Going down, sir. JACK (talking fast) Take a deep breath and hold it right before we go into the water. The ship will suck us down. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Don't let go of my hand. We're gonna make it Rose. Trust me. CROW: Breathe, damn you! Breathe! She stares at the water coming up at them, and grips his hand harder. TOM: Fall, damn you! Fall! ROSE I trust you. MIKE: *ROSE*...Mr. Nixon. Below them the poop deck is disappearing. The plunge gathers speed... the boiling surface engulfs the docking bridge and then rushes up the last thirty feet. TOM: Enough with the scientific analysis already. SINK! 278 IN A HIGH SHOT, we see the stern descend into the boiling sea. The name TITANIC disappears, and the tiny figures of Jack and Rose vanish under the water. Where the ship stood, now there is nothing. Only the black ocean. TOM: Ah, well, that pretty much ends the movie now, doesn't it? Alright, here come the credits, let's get outta here... *TOM starts moving out of his seat* MIKE:*Pushing TOM back into his seat* Sit that hoverskirt down, gumball machine. TOM: You mean there's MORE!? *Groans* CUT TO: 279 EXT. OCEAN / UNDERWATER AND SURFACE Bodies are whirled and spun, some limp as dolls, others struggling spasmodically, as the vortex sucks them down and tumbles them. CROW: *sound of a toilet flushing* 280 Jack rises INTO FRAME F.G. kicking hard for the surface... holding tightly to Rose, pulling her up. 281 AT THE SURFACE: a roiling chaos of screaming, thrashing people. Over a thousand people are now floating where the ship went down. Some are stunned, gasping for breath. Others are crying, praying, moaning, shouting... screaming. TOM: Oh, the audience at any random Pauly Shore film. Jack and Rose surface among them. They barely have time to gasp for air before people are clawing at them. People driven insane by the water, 4 degrees below freezing, a cold so intense it is indistinguishable form death by fire. TOM: Again, random Pauly Shore film. A man pushes Rose under, trying to climb on top of her... MIKE: Hey! Neither the time or the place! senselessly trying to get out of the water, to climb onto anything. Jack PUNCHES him repeatedly, pulling her free. CROW: And we have assertion of manhood, everybody! JACK Swim, Rose! SWIM! MIKE: Run, Forrest...you know? That one's just too easy. She tries, but her strokes are not as effective as his because of her lifejacket. They break out of the clot of people. He has to find some kind of flotation, anything to get her out of the freezing water. CROW: Well it COULD have been a lifeboat, but NOOOOO Rose you had to be in "Love"! JACK Keep swimming. Keep moving. Come one, you can do it. All about them there is a tremendous wailing, screaming and moaning... a chorus of tormented souls. TOM: Once again, the audience at any random… MIKE: We get it, Tom. Pauly Shore sucks. Move on to fresh material. And beyond that... nothing but black water stretching to the horizon. CROW: Oh black water, keep on rollin'. Mississippi moon won't you keep on shining? The sense of isolation and hopelessness is overwhelming. TOM: Yeah? So die already! CUT TO: 282 OMITTED 283 EXT. OCEAN Jack strokes rhythmically, the effort keeping him from freezing. CROW: Didn't think he knew the Rhythm Method. Ha! JACK Look for something floating. Some debris... wood... anything. ROSE It's so cold. ALL: HOW COLD IS IT!? JACK I know. I know. Help me, here. Look around. His words keep her focused, taking her mind off the wailing around them. Rose scans the water, panting, barely able to draw a breath. She turns and... SCREAMS. A DEVIL is right in from of her face. ALL: Pitch! TOM: Hey buddy! MIKE: Long time, no see! It is the black FRENCH BULLDOG, swimming right at her like a seamonster in the darkness, its coal eyes bugging. It motors past her, like it is headed for Newfoundland. CROW: You see Mike? Collision course with wackiness. Finally! Beyond it Rose sees somehting in the water. MIKE: A Milky Way candy bar. TOM: Mike, that's not a candy bar… *pause* ALL: EEEEEEWWWWW!!!! ROSE What's that? Jack sees what she is pointing to, and they make for it together. It is a piece of wooden debris, intricately carved. He pushes her up and she slithers onto it belly down. TOM: It's a boogie board, whoo! But when Jack tries to get up onto the thing, it tilts and submerges, almost dumping Rose off. It is clearly only big enough to support her. CROW: It's Molly Brown's Wonderbra! He clings to it, close to her, keeping his upper body out of the water as best he can. TOM: On his lunch break! MIKE: *singing* All I wanna do...is stay alive. Their breath floats around them in a cloud as they pant from exertion. A MAN swims toward them, homing in on the piece of debris. CROW: *making sonar sounds* Jack warns him back. TOM: *Dr. Smith* Back! Back I say! Will-iam! William, I need you! JACK It's just enough for this lady... you'll push it under. MAN Let me try at least, or I'll die soon. CROW: Like you'll survive if you do? JACK You'll die quicker if you come any closer. MAN Yes, I see. Good luck to you then. (swimming off) God bless. MIKE: Presenting the most spineless man in the world. CUT TO: 284 EXT. COLLAPSIBLE A / OCEAN The boat is overloaded and half-flooded. Men cling to the sides in the water. Others, swimming, are drawn to it as their only hope. CROW: *falsetto* Help me, Collapsible A, you're my... MIKE: Don't! Cal, standing in the boat, slaps his oar in the water as a warning. CAL Stay back! Keep off! Fabrizio, exhausted and near the limit, makes it almost to the boat. CROW: Hey, he's still around? Cal CLUBS HIM with the oar, cutting open his scalp. TOM: Not anymore. CROW: I love you, Cal. MIKE: You're a cad, Cal but you're okay in my book! FABRIZIO You don't... understand... I have... to get... to America. CAL (pointing with the oar) It's that way! CLOSE ON FABRIZIO as he floats, panting each breath agony. TOM: The irony is, he was pointing back to England. You see the spirit leave him. MIKE: Because we're suddenly, inexplicably psychic. FABRIZIO'S POV: Cal in SLOW MOTION, yelling and wielding the oar. A demon in a tuxedo. CROW: Ah, Gene Simmons' prom photo. The image fades to black. CROW: Okay, time to go *gets up, MIKE pulls him back* CUT TO: 285 EXT. OCEAN JACK AND ROSE still float amid a chorus of hte damned. TOM: The fans at a White Zombie concert? Jack sees the ship's officer nearby, CHIEF OFFICER WILDE. He is blowing his whistle furiously, knowing the sound will carry over the water for miles. JACK The boats will come back for us, Rose. Hold on just a little longer. They had to row away for the suction and now they'll be coming back. MIKE: *applauding* Way to BS, Leo. Brilliant! She nods, his words helping her. She is shivering uncontrollably, her lips blue and her teeth chattering. ROSE Thank God for you Jack. People are still screaming, calling to the lifeboats. MIKE: Right now I REALLY wish David Arquette were one of the dying. TOM: You said it, bro. WOMAN Come back! Please! We know you can hear us. For God's sake! CROW: *God* Bite me! It's fun. MAN Please... help us. Save one life! SAVE ON LIFE! MIKE: *MAN* Preferably mine! CUT TO: 286 EXT. LIFEBOATS / OCEAN IN BOAT 6: Ruth has her ears covered against the wailing in the darkness. The first class women in the boat sit, stunned, listening to the sounds of hundreds screaming. TOM: *female Minnesota accent* Well they certainly sound like they're havin' a whale of a time, dontcha know. HITCHINS They'll pull us right down I tell ya! MOLLY Aw knock it off, yer scarin' me. Come on girls, grab your oars. Let's go. MIKE: Praise the oars and pass the ammunition! (nobody moves) Well come on! The women won't meet her eyes. They huddle into their ermine wraps. TOM: And who said men are lazy and useless? MIKE: I don't know, but I bet she was on the Titanic. MOLLY I don't understand a one of you. What's the matter with you? It's your men back there! We got plenty a' room for more. CROW: If she turns into Slim Pickens, would you mind bashing my brains in with Servo, Mike? MIKE: Sure thing, Crow. HITCHINS If you don't shut that hole in yer face, there'll be one less in this boat! Ruth keeps her ears covered TOM: Hear no evil... and her eyes closed, TOM: See no evil... shutting it all out. 287 IN BOAT ONE: Sir Cosmo CROW: Kramer! and Lucile Duff-Gordon sit with ten other people in a boat that is two thirds empty. They are two hundred yards from the screaming in the darkness. MIKE: Wasn't that a Judas Priest song? FIREMAN HENDRICKSON We should do something. TOM: *HENDRICKSON* But I really don't feel like it. Lucile squeezes Cosmo's hand and pleads him with her eyes. She is terrified. CROW: Oh, you saw the Blair Witch Project too, honey? SIR COSMO It's out of the question. The crewmembers, intimidated by a nobleman, acquiesce. They hunch guiltily, hoping the sound will stop soon. TWENTY BOATS, most half full, float in the darkness. None of them make a move. MIKE: Thus angering Gary Kasparov further. TOM: That guy really hasn't been exactly on the sane side since Deep Blue handed him his posterior region, hasn't he. CUT TO: 288 EXT. OCEAN Jack and Rose drift under the blazing stars. TOM: *drunk old sot* THE SHERRIF IS A NEEEEEERRR. MIKE: *stupid* Mongo like candy. CROW: *Cleavon Little * Scuse me while I whip this out. The water is glassy, with only the faintest undulating swell. Rose can actually see the stars reflecting on the black mirror of the sea. MIKE: *ROSE* Mirror, mirror under me, why did this have to happen to me? Jack squeezes the water out of her long coat, tucking it in tightly around her legs. He rubs her arms. His face is chalk with in the darkness. A low MOANING in the darkness around them. CROW: *Smarmy* Heyyyy, Somebody's putting their last moments of life to good use! ROSE It's getting quiet. JACK Just a few more minutes. It'll take them a while to get the boats organized... MIKE: Yeah, you know...to just sit still. Rose is unmoving, just staring into space. She knows the truth. There won't be any boats. Behind Jack she sees that Officer Wilde has stopped moving. CROW: *Oscar Wilde* There is only one thing worse than being dead and that is NOT being dead. MIKE: You know, Crow. I was just about to thank you and Tom for not making any more Officer Wilde/Oscar Wilde jokes. He is slumped in his lifejacket, looking almost asleep. He has died of exposure already. TOM: NORTHERN Exposure! MIKE: I miss that show. JACK I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this. CROW: Yeah, but the Postal Service in Hell sucks! She laughs weakly, but it sounds like a gasp of fear. Rose finds his eyes in the dim light. ROSE I love you Jack. He takes her hand. JACK No... don't say your good-byes, Rose. Don't you give up. Don't do it. CROW: Uh-oh. Inspirational speech...get ready. ROSE I'm so cold. JACK You're going to get out of this... you're going to go on and you're going to make babies and watch them grow and you're going to die an old lady, warm in your bed. Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me? TOM: This is NOT a drill! Repeat, this is NOT a drill! ROSE I can't feel my body. JACK Rose, listen to me. Listen. Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me. MIKE: *JACK* Because...how can I say it? Death rules! Jack is having trouble getting the breath to speak. TOM: Arf! Arf! MIKE: Good breath. JACK It brought me to you. And I'm thankful, Rose. I'm thankful. His voice is trembling with the cold which is working tis way to his heart. But his eyes are unwavering. ALL: DIE ALREADY!!! JACK You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... TOM: *JACK* And as long as you know how to love you'll know you'll stay alive. that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise. CROW: *JACK* Because God knows I already lost mine somewhere. ROSE I promise. JACK Never let go. ROSE I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go. MIKE: As she grew older though, she REALLY let go! She grips his hand and they lie with their heads together. It is quiet now, except for the lapping of the water. CROW: This scene's so slow the WATER'S lapping them! CUT TO: 289 EXT. LIFEBOATS / OCEAN - NIGHT Fifth Officer Lowe, the impetuous young Welshman, has gotten Boats 10, 12 and Collapsible D together with his own Boat 14. A demon of energy, he's had everyone hold the boats together and is transferring passengers from 14 into the others, to empty his boat for a rescue attempt. TOM: He made them sell their souls to him. As the women step gingerly across the other boats, Lowe sees a shawled figure in too much of a hurry. He rips the shawl off, and finds himself staring into the face of a man. MIKE: Uh-uh! Uh-uh! CROW: *singing* Dude looks like a lady! He angrily shoves the stowaway into another boat and turns to his crew of three. LOWE Right, man the oars. TOM: Gay men acting gay doing gay things! CUT TO: 290 EXT. OCEAN / BOAT 14 The beam of an electric torch plays across the water like a searchlight as boat 14 comes toward us. ANGLE FROM THE BOAT as the torch illuminates floating debris, a poignant trail of flotsam: MIKE: *female Minnesota accent* Oh but the Jetsam trail's more scenic! a violin, a child's wooden soldier, a framed photo of a steerage family. Daniel Marvin's wooden Biograph camera. Then, their white lifebelts bobbing in the darkness like signoposts, the first bodies come into the torch's beam. The people are dead but not drowned, killed by the freezing water. Some look like they could be sleeping. Others stare with frozen eyes at the stars. TOM: *LOWE* Mmm, they all look so delicious it's hard to decide what to pick! Soon bodies are so thick the seamen cannot row. They hit the oars on the heads of floating men and women... TOM: *LOWE* Don't bruise the meat! a wooden thunk. One seaman throws up. Lowe sees a mother floating with her arms frozen around her lifeless baby. TOM: *LOWE* Ooh, they come in regular and bite size! Somebody get me another hot plate. LOWE (the worst moment of his life) We waited too long. TOM: *LOWE* We should have come for the $1.99 buffet special. CUT TO: 291 EXT. OCEAN IN A HOVERING DOWNANGLE we see Jack and Rose floating in the black water. The stars reflect in the mill pond surface, and the two of them seem to be floating in interstellar space. MIKE: Suffocating and freezing instantly. They are absolutely still. Their hands are locked together. Rose is staring upwards at the canopy of stars wheeling above her. The music is transparent, floating... as the long sleep steals over Rose, and she feels peace. TOM: So, in too many words...they're dying. CLOSE ON Rose's face. Pale, like the faces of the dead. She seems to be floating in a void. Rose is in a semi-hallucinatory state. She knows she is dying. Her lips barely move as she sings a scrap of Jack's song: CROW: Oh boy, here it comes... ROSE "Come Josephine in my flying machine..." MIKE: *ROSE* In hindsight, that really is a crappy song. I hate you Jack. ROSE'S POV: The stars. Like you've never seen them. The Milky Way a glorious band from horizon to horizon. TOM: and the Snickers...simply spectacular. A SHOOTING STAR flares... a line of light across the heavens. CROW: ET: Drunk Driver TIGHT ON ROSE again. We see that her hair is dusted with frost crystals. Her breathing is so shallow, she is almost motionless. Her eyes track down from the stars to the water. TOM: *ROSE* Yyyyyep. I'm gonna die. Pretty much a strike-out for the old Rosemeister. Yep. ROSE'S POV... SLOW MOTION: The silhouetter of a boat crossing the stars. She sees men in it, rowing so slowly the oars lift out of the syrupy water, MIKE: It's The Atlantic Ocean, Vermont. leaving weightless pearls floating in the air. The VOICES of the men sound slow and DISTORTED. TOM: Good to see the Stephen Hawking impersonators got off Titanic safely. Then the lookout flashes his torch toward her and the light flares across the water, silouetting the bobbing corpses in between. It flicks past her motionless form and moves on. The boat is 50 feet away, and moving past her. The men look away. CROW: Check it out, they're gonna start playing "Bobbing for Bodies" MIKE: Crow! CROW: Hey, it's no worse than Tom's cannibal jokes! Rose lifts her head to turn to Jack. We see that her hair has frozen to the wood under her. ROSE (barely audible) Jack. She touches his shoulder with her free hand. He doesn't respond. Rose gently turns his face toward her. It is rimed with frost. He seems to be sleeping peacefully. But he is not asleep. MIKE: He's only MOSTLY dead. TOM: What's the difference? MIKE: Well, Mostly Dead is slightly alive. All dead? Well, there's just one thing to do. TOM: What's that? MIKE: Go through his pockets and look for loose change. Rose can only stare at his still face as the realization goes through her. TOM: Jack died as he lived...noodly. ROSE Oh, Jack. CROW: *ROSE* I'm single again! WOO-HOO! All hope, will and spirit leave her. She looks at the boat. It is further away now, the voices fainter. Rose watches them go. She closes her eyes. She is so weak, and there just seems to be no reason to even try. And then... her eyes snap open. TOM: *ROSE* I'm laying in something gooey! She raises now her head suddenly, cracking the ice as she rips her hair off the wood. She calls out, but her voice is so weak they don't hear her. The boat is invisible, the torch light a star impossibly far away. She struggles to draw breath, calling again. CROW: Translation: She in bombad doo-doo. MIKE: Crow? Was that Jar-Jar speak? CROW: So what if it was? TOM: Then we'll have to kill you. 292 IN THE BOAT Lowe hears nothing behind him. He points to something ahead, CROW: *LOWE* Pull my finger! turning the tiller. TOM: Ah, he's making Cornmeal. 293 ROSE struggles to move. Her hand, she realizes, is actually frozen to Jack's. She breaths on it, melting the ice a little, and gently unclasps their hands, breaking away a thin tinkling film. MIKE: Like this one. ROSE I won't let go. I promise. She releases him and he sinks into the black water. TOM: She just let go! He seems to fade out like a spirit returning to some immaterial plane. MIKE: Because we're psychic now. We can see that kind of crap. TOM: Guys? The James Cameron Conspiracy's lookin' awful good right now. MIKE: No Tom, don't say that. Be strong mon ami, l'formidable! Rose rolls off the floating staircase and plunges into the icy water. She swims to Chief Officer Wilde's body and grabs his whistle. She starts to BLOW THE WHISTLE with all the strength in her body. Its sound slaps across the still water. CROW: I just remembered something. TOM: What's that? CROW: GRACIE! Where's my man Gracie? MIKE: Relax, Crow. Gracie made it. You should read your history more. 294 IN BOAT 14 Lowe whips around at the sound of the whistle. TOM: *LOWE* Quick! Somebody work! LOWE (turning the tiller) MIKE: *LOWE* This is gonna be the best butter I ever made. Row back! That way! Pull! TOM: *LOWE* MY FINGER! Rose keeps blowing as the boat comes to her. She is still blowing when Lowe takes the whistle from her mouth as they haul her into the boat. MIKE: We caught a girl, boss! Want me to throw her back? She slips into uncosciousness and they scramble to cover her with blankets... CROW: Because hypothermiacs make GREAT quilt cozies! DISSOLVE TO: 295 INT. IMAGING SHACK / KELDYSH EXTREME CLOSEUP TOM: *Wayne* WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHH! CROW: *Garth* WHAAAAAAAAAHHHH! of Rose's ancient, wrinkled face. Present day. MIKE: Yeeeegh, did we suddenly enter a Tolkien novel...oh, my bad it's just Old Rose. OLD ROSE Fifteen hundred people went into the sea when Titanic sank from under us. CROW: *OLD ROSE* And Kathie Lee Gifford wasn't a single one of 'em. There were twenty boats floating nearby and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six out of fifteen hundred. MIKE: Okay, this is starting to look less like a screenplay and more like an SAT. As she speaks THE CAMERA TRACKS slowly across the faces of Lizzy and the salvage crew on KELDYSH. Lovett, Bodine, Buell, the others... the reality of what happened here 84 years before has hit them like never before. With her story Rose has put them on Titanic in its final hours, and or the first time, they do feel like graverobbers. Lovett, for the first time, has even forgotten to ask about the diamond. MIKE: *LOVETT* So...what about that diamond? OLD ROSE Afterward, the seven hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait... wait to die, wait to live, wait for an absolution which would never come. CROW: Uh-oh. Senility Sneak-Attack people. DISSOLVE TO: 296 EXT. LIFEBOATS / OPEN SEA - PRE-DAWN MATCHING MOVE as the camera tracks along the faces of the saved. CROW: GRACIE!! Where my dogs at?? MIKE: I told you, Crow. Gracie made it. He dies later that year from complications and publishes one really awesome book about his experience. DISSOLVE TO: ANOTHER BOAT, and then ANOTHER, seeing faces we know among the survivors: Ismay in a trance, just staring and trembling... Cal, sipping from a hip flask offered to him by a black-faced stoker... Ruth hugging herself, rocking gently. TOM: Rocking slowly, take it easy don't you know. IN BOAT 14: CLOSE ON ROSE, lying swaddled. Only her face is visile, white as the moon. The man next to her jumps up, pointing and yelling. Soon everyone is looking and shouting excitedly. In Rose's POV it is all silent, SLOW MOTION. MIKE: It stays like that for the rest of her life, sadly enough. IN SLOW-MOTION SILENCE we see Lowe light a green flare and wave it as everyone shouts and cheers. TOM: We got green! ABORT! ABORT! Rose doesn't react. She floats beyond all human emotion. DISSOLVE TO: 298 EXT. LIFEBOATS / OPEN SEA - DAWN Golden lgiht washes across the white boats, which gloat in a calm sea reflecting the rosy sky. All around them, like a flotilla of sailing ships, are icebergs. The CARPATHIA sits nearby, as boats row toward her. CROW: And even AROUND her. MIKE: And the icebergs all let out a collective Nelson Muntz-like HA-HA! DISSOLVE TO: 299 EXT. LIFEBOATS / OCEAN / CARPATHIA MONTAGE - DAY IMAGES DISSOLVE into one another: a ship's hull looming, with the letters CARPATHIA visible on the bow... Rose watching, rocked by the sea, her face blank... seamen helping survivors TOM:...and other 80's bands… up the rope ladder to the Carpathia's gangway doors... two women crying and hugging each other inside the ship... ALL SILENT, ALL IN SLOW- MOTION. There is just music, so gentle and sad, part elegy, part hymn, part aching song of love lost forever. CROW: They all went for beer afterward. THE IMAGES CONTINUE to music... Rose, outside of time, outside of herself, coming into Carpathia, barely able to stand... Rose being draped wtih warm blankets and given hot tea... BRUCE ISMAY climbing aboard. He has the face and eyes of a damned soul. MIKE: Because, let's face it. He showed all the spine of Miracle Whip. As Ismay walks along the hall, guided by a crewman toward the doctor's cabin, he passes rows of seated and standing widows. He must run the gauntlet of their accusing gazes. TOM: Kinda like the end of the pilot episode of Xena. CUT TO: 300 EXT. DECK / CARPATHIA - DAY It is the afternoon of the 15th. Cal is searching the faces of the widows lining the deck, looking for Rose. The deck of Carpathia is crammed with huddled people, and even the recovered lifeboats of Titanic. On a hatch cover sits an enormous pile of lifebelts. TOM: *kid* Daddy let's go diving into the pile of lifebelts! MIKE: *dad* Ugh, I think we've done enough diving to last a lifetime. He keeps walking toward the stern. CROW: Because, let's face it. Imus sucks and Howard IS the King of all Media. Seeing Cal's tuxedo, a steward approaches him. CARPATHIA STEWARD You won't find any of your people back here, sir. It's all steerage. Cal ignores him and goes amongst this wrecked group, looking under shawls and blankets at one bleak face after another. Rose is sipping hot tea. Her eyes focus on him as he approaches her. He barely recognizes her. She looks like a refugee, MIKE: But she doesn't have to live like one. her matted hair hanging in her eyes. ROSE Yes, I lived. How awkward for you. CAL Rose... your mother and I have been looking for you-- She holds up her hand, stopping him. TOM: *ROSE* Talk to the hand cuz the face don't wanna hear it anymore. Don't go there, girlfriend. ROSE Please don't. Don't talk. Just listen. We will make a deal, since that is something you understand. From this moment you do not exist for me, nor I for you. You shall not see me again. And you will not attempt to find me. In return I will keep my silence. Your actions last night need never come to light, and you will get to keep the honor you have carefully purchased. CROW: Well, SHE knows how to snap in and out of depression, doesn't she? She fixes him with a glare as cold and hard as the ice which changed their lives. ROSE Is this in any way unclear? CAL (after a long beat) What do I tell your mother? ROSE Tell her that her daughter died with the Titanic. She stands, turning to the rail. Dismissing him. We see Cal stricken with emotion. TOM: *CAL, softly* Hold me... CAL You're precious to me, Rose. ROSE Jewels are precious. Goodbye, Mr. Hockley. We see that in his way, the only way he knows, he does truly love her. After a moment, he turns and walks away. TOM: *CAL* See ya around then...bitch. OLD ROSE (V.O.) That was the last time I ever saw him. He married, of course, and inherited his millions. The crash of 28 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year. MIKE: Which is funny since the CRASH HAPPENED IN '29! Jeez! His children fought over the scraps of his estate like hyenas, or so I read. CROW: *OLD ROSE* Since his children WERE hyenas, I guess it was only fitting. 301 ANGLE ON ROSE, at the railing of the Carpathia, 9pm April 18th. She gazes up at the Statue of Liberty, looking just as it does today, welcoming her home with her glowing torch. It is just as Fabrizio saw it, so clearly, in his mind. CROW: Only in his mind she had bigger hooters. 302 LATER CARPATHIA DISCORGES THE SURVIVORS at the Cunard pier, Pier 54. Over 30,000 people line the dock and fill the surrounding streets. The magnesium flashes of the photographers go off like small bombs, lighting an amazing tableau. TOM: The headlines later read "Illegal Aliens found on boat, sent back on next boat." Several hundred police keep the mob back. MIKE: The mob OWNS the police! The dock is packes with friends and reletives, officials, ambulances, and the press-- Reporters and photographers swarm everywhere... 6 deep at the foot of the gangways, lining the tops of cars and trucks... it is the 1912 equicalent of a media circus. They jostle to get close to the survivors, tugging on them as they pass and shouting over each other to ask them questions. TOM: Why is this movie bad? CROW: Yeah, and why can a monkey jumping up and down on a typewriter get less typos than in this stinkbomb? Rose is covered with a whoollen shawl and walking with a group of steerage passengers. Immigration officers are asking them questions as they come off the gangway. MIKE: What is your name? What is your quest? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?? IMMIGRATION OFFICER Name? ROSE Dawson. Rose Dawson. ALL: *imitating the opening trumpet fanfare of any James Bond film* BADA! BADA! BA-BA- BADA! The officer steers her toward a holding area for processing. Rose walks forward with the dazed immigrants. The BOOM! of photographer's magnesium flashes cause them to flinch, and the glare is blinding. There is a sudden disturbance near her as two men burst through the cordon, running to embrace an older woman along the survivors, who cries out with joy. The reporters converge on this emotional scene, and flashers explode. MIKE: OOH! Gotta watch out for those combustable perverts. Rose uses this moment to slip away into the crowd. CROW: She'll almost DISAPPEAR if she finds a group of old ladies. She pushes through the jostling people, moving with purpose, and none challenges her in the confusion. MIKE: For she is Rosor, Queen of the Gods! OLD ROSE (V.O.) Can you exchange one life for another? TOM: Yeah, but you need the receipt. A caterpillar turns into a butterfly. If a mindless insect can do it, why couldn't I? Was it any more unimaginable than the sinking of the Titanic? TRACKING WITH HER as she walks away, further and further until she flashes and the roar are far behind her, and shi is till walking, determined. MIKE: She'll find a Hot Fish shop if it's the last thing she does! CUT TO: 303 INT. IMAGING SHACK / KELDYSH Old Rose sits with the group in the Imaging Shack, lit by the blue glow of the screens. She holds the haircomb with the jade butterfly on the handle in her gnarled hands. TOM: *OLD ROSE* And with this haircomb I stab at thee... BODINE We never found anything on Jack. There's no record of him at all. CROW: *OLD ROSE* Jack never existed, all I've told you was a lie. You all fell for it! *evil cackle* OLD ROSE No, there wouldn't be, would there? And I've never spoken of him until now, not to anyone. (to Lizzy) TOM: *OLD ROSE* Your name sucks. Not even your grandfather. A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you all know there was a man named Jack Dawson,and that he saved me, in every way that a person can be saved. (closing her eyes) I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now only in my memory. CROW: And boy was he damn ugly. CUT TO: 304 OMITTED 305 EXT. OCEAN FLOOR / TITANIC WRECK The Mir submersibles make their last pass over the ship. We hear Yuri the pilot on the UQC: YURI Mir One returning to surface. TOM: *YURI* Although...why would we want to? The sub rises off the deck of the wreck, taking its light with it, leaving the Titanic once again it its fine and private darkness. MIKE: The Titanic Channel now concludes its broadcasting day. CUT TO: 306 EXT. KELDYSH DECK A desultory wrap party for the expedition is in progress. There is music and some of the (co-ed) Russian crew are dancing. TOM: Man, how can you tell if Russians are co-ed? CROW: The length of the armpit hair. Bodine is getting drunk in the aggressive style of Baker Joughin. TOM: Or even Gracie! ALL: HAIL GRACIE! Lovett stands at the rail, looking down into the black water. Lizzy comes to him, offering him a beer. She puts her hand on his arm. LIZZY I'm sorry. LOVETT We were pissin' in the wind the whole time. TOM: Write THAT down in the book of quotes. Lovett notices a figure move through the lights far down at the stern of the ship. LOVETT Oh shit. CROW: *LOVETT* I just saw Jack's severed head float right by, it winked at me! CUT TO: 307 EXT. KELDYSH STERN DECK Rose walks through the shadows of the deck machinery. Her nightgown blows in the wind. Her feet are bare. Her hands are clutched at her chest, almost as if she is praying. MIKE: *OLD ROSE* I am the Lizard Queen, I can do anything! ON LOVETT AND LIZZY running down the stairs from the top deck, hauling ass. ROSE reaches the sern rail. Her gnarled fingers wrap over the rail. Her ancient foot steps up on the gunwale. She pushes herself up, leaning forward. Over her shoulder, we see the black water glinting far below. TOM: You missed your chance 90 years ago! Don't waste it now, JUMP! LOVETT AND LIZZY run up behind her. MIKE: I sense Heart-Attack City here… LIZZY Grandma, wait!! Don't-- ROSE TURNS her head, looking at them. She turns further, and we see she has something in her hand, TOM: It's the diamond…. something she was about to drop overboard. TOM: Yes yes, the diamond, NOW GET ON WITH IT! It is the "Heart of the Ocean". TOM: Thank you. Lovett sees his holy grail in her hand and his eyes go wide. Rose keeps it over the railing where she can drop it anytime. MIKE: *OLD ROSE* The necklace gets it if the following IRA members are not released from prison. ROSE Don't come any closer. LOVETT You had it the entire time?! FLASH CUT TO: A SILENT IMAGE OF YOUNG ROSE walking away from Pier 54. The photographers' flashes go off like a battle behind her. She has her hands in her pockets. She stops, feeling something, TOM: Oh no, she's a... and pulls out the necklace. TOM: *sigh of relief* She stares at it in amazement. BACK ON KELDYSH, Rose smiles at Brock's incomprehension. MIKE: Which isn't an uncommon occurance, really. ROSE The hardest part about being so poor, was being so rich. But every time I though of selling it, I though of Cal. And somehow I always got by without his help. She holds it out over the water. Bodine and a couple of the other guys come up behind Lovett, reacting to what is in Rose's hand. CROW: *ROSE, Thinking* I'm over 100 years old, I creak when I walk, talk, and blink, and all I think about is having sex with a corpse.... BODINE Holy shit. TOM: No. Diamond. LOVETT Don't drop it Rose. BODINE (a fierce whisper) Rush her. CROW: Yep, nothin' like a good ol' asswhuppin' on an elderly person to improve your film. LOVETT (to Bodine) It's hers, you schmuck. (to her) Look, Rose, I... I don't know what to say to a woman who tries to jump off the Titanic when it's not sinking, and jumps back onto it when it is... TOM: *LOVETT* Actually I know exactly what to say. You're a moron, Rose. we're not dealing with logic here, MIKE: I'll say… I know that... but please... think about this a second. TOM: *OLD ROSE* Okay I've thought about it, the bauble dies! ROSE I have. I came all the way here so this could go back where it belongs. MIKE: *LOVETT, persuasively* Yes Rose…in my hand. The massive diamond glitters. Brock edges closer and holds out his hand... CROW: *LOVETT* Pull my finger. LOVETT Just let me hold it in my hand, Rose. Please. Just once. He comes closer to her. It is reminiscent of Jack slowly moving up to her at the stern of Titanic. TOM: *OLD ROSE* I sense an evil presence looming. Surprisingly, she calmly places the massice stone in the palm of his hand, while still holding onto the necklace. Lovett gazes at the object of his quest. An infinity of cold scalpels glint in its blue depths. It is mesmerizing. It fits in his hand just like he imagined. LOVETT My God. MIKE: *Dave Bowman* It's full of… TOM: WILL YOU QUIT THE 2001 ROUTINE?? His grip tightens on the diamond. CROW *LOVETT* I got the rock! Rose, you sucker! He looks up, meeting her gaze. Her eyes are suddenly infinitely wise and deep. MIKE: This about a woman who jumps off the Titanic when it isn't sinking and back onto it when it is. ROSE You look for treasures in the wrong place, Mr. Lovett. Only life is priceless, and making each day count. His fingers relax. He opens them slowly. Gently she slips the diamond out of his hand. He feels it sliding away. Then, with an impish little grin, Rose tosses the necklace over the rail. Lovett gives a strangled cry and rushes to the rail in time to see it hit the water and disappear forever. TOM: Well...that's the end of THAT little tale. BODINE Aww!! That really sucks, lady! Brock Lovett goes through ten changes before he settles on a reaction... HE LAUGHS. He laughs until the tears come to his eyes. Then he turns to Lizzy. CROW: *LOVETT* I found out I hate you all along, isn't that funny? LOVETT Would you like to dance? Lizzy grins at him and nods. Rose smiles. She looks up at the stars. 308 IN THE BLACK HEART OF THE OCEAN, the diamond sinks, twinkling end over end, into the infinate depths. MIKE: Shine on, you crazy diamond. CUT TO: 309 INT. ROSE'S CABIN / KELDYSH A GRACEFUL PAN across Rose's shelf of carefully arranged pictures: Rose as a young actress in California, radiant... a theatrically lit studio publicity shot... Rose and her husband, with their two children... Rose with her son at his college graduation... Rose with her children and grandchildren at her 70th birthday. A collage of images of a life lived well. CROW: Okay, so she's dead... THE PAN STOPS on an image filling frame. Rose, circa 1920. She is at the beach, sitting on a horse at the surfline. The Santa Monica pier, with its rollercoaster is behind her. She is grinning, full of life. CROW: She's dead, we're way ahead of you, script, move it along. We PAN OFF the last picture to Rose herself, warm in her bunk. A profile shot. She is very still. She could be sleeping, or maybe something else. CROW: SHE'S DEAD, WE KNOW! GET ON WITH IT! CUT TO: BLACKNESS 310 THE WRECK OF TITANIC looms like a ghost out of the dark. It is lit by a kind of moonlight, a light of the mind. We pass over the endless forecastle deck to the superstructure, moving faster than subs can move... almost like we are flying. TOM: Okay, the end. Can we get out of here NOW? WE GO INSIDE, and the echoing sound of distant waltz music is heard. The rust fades away from the walls of the dark corridor and it is transformed... WE EMERGE onto the grand staircase, lit by glowing chandelier. The music is vibrant now, and the room is populated by men in tie and tails, women in gowns. It is exquisitely beautiful. CROW: Yet incredibly erotic... IN POV we sweep down the staircase. The crowd of beautiful gentlmen and ladies turn as we descend toward them. At the bottom a man stands with his back to us... MIKE: *ROSE* Little bastard. I die and he ignores me. This'll be a GREAT eternity, all right! he turns and it is Jack. Smiling he holds his hand out toward us. TOM: If Leonardo DiCaprio is on the other side to meet you, then you're definitely in Hell. IN A SIDE ANGLE Rose goes into his arms, a girl of 17. The passengers, officers and crew of the RMS Titanic smile and applaud in the utter silence of the abyss. CROW: And with good reason, this clunker's OVER! *THEY GET UP, MIKE PICKS UP TOM* MIKE: Come on, let's get out of here before that darn Celine Dion song starts up. *THEY LEAVE* *6...5...4...3...2...1...()==()* *TOM AND CROW ARE ON THE BRIDGE OF THE SOL. THEY SEEM TO BE DEBATING. OFF TO THE SIDE IS A CHART WITH THE PICTURE OF AN ICEBERG AND A SHIP, APPARANTLY THE TITANIC* CROW: And so you see, the iceberg was, in fact, a spy base placed by the CIA INTO the Titanic's path to make sure Colonel Gracie's liquor stash never made it to America. TOM: Oh, we are SOOOO quick to believe simple explanations, aren't we? CROW: Fine, you come up with a better theory, domehead. TOM: I will *AHEM* Do you think it was a COINCIDENCE that the richest men and women in the world were aboard the RMS Titanic? Any THINKING person would come to the conclusion that of course it wasn't. The Titanic was a secret military project developed by the Illuminati, in cahoots with the CIA, the FBI, the KGB, and the NCAA to do away with their competition! Why you ask? The Illuminati of course controls the International Monetary Fund which will become the BACKBONE of the New World Order. The iceberg was, in essence, the very first homing mine! Yes, a homing mine. Strategically placed in Titanic's path so that these rich men and women would no longer impede the progress of a one-world government. The iceberg of course, was the weapon to cause this mass destruction. The ship did not hit the iceberg...the iceberg hit the ship! CROW: You're so full of crap, Servo. TOM: Maybe..OR HAVE THEY GOTTEN TO YOU TOO??? *MIKE COMES INTO VIEW, HE'S READING COSMO* MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on? CROW: Well Mike, Tom just gave me a completely LUDICROUS explanation on what REALLY sank the Titanic. MIKE: Conspiracy theories, huh? CROW: Yep. TOM: THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE MAD!!!! MIKE: Settle down, Tom. CROW: Yeah, he claims the iceberg was one elaborate homing mine. MIKE: Well, let me see if I can enlighten you both on the subject. *HE PICKS UP A POINTER* Tom? Crow? May I? CROW: Sure. TOM: You're working for THEM! I know it! MIKE: *HE POINTS TO THE ICEBERG, MOTIONING WITH THE POINTER AS HE TALKS* Now, the Titanic was confirmed by many sources to have been going full speed, correct? Now, without binoculars, it would have been very difficult to see the icebergs, that much is known. But...fast forward. Now Tom, the angle you're claiming the berg hit the ship would have been a physical impossiblilty. Let's break it down to physics. Tom, you claim the Iceberg hit the Titanic. At the angle you're claiming the collision happened, the iceberg would have scraped the side of the ship like so, THEN calmly danced to the stern of the ship, THEN ricocheting off that and pausing...IN MID-AIR mind you, before putting a dent into the forward steampipe. After that, the iceberg would have somehow curved 180 degrees, scraped the port side of the boat, stopping in mid-air AGAIN to perform a number from "Anything Goes", submerged, THEN resurfaced and finished the job on the starboard side. Now that, Tom...is one magic iceberg. TOM and CROW: Whoooaaaa. TOM: Boy, when you put it that way it really puts things in perspective. CROW: Yeah, Mike. We realize now that conspiracies are for right-wing radicals and net.loons and offer really no plausible explanation for events. MIKE: I'm glad you two learned a lesson. *THE MAD LIGHT FLASHES* TOM: Gotta check in with Pearl. *MIKE TAPS THE LIGHT* MIKE: Pearl? Any luck?? *CASTLE FORRESTER. OBSERVER IS PLAYING WITH LINT SINGING* OBSERVER: *SINGING* Oh I lobster...and never flounder... *BOBO IS LOOKING UNDER THE COUCH CUSHIONS. PEARL'S HEAD POPS UP* PEARL: Not now, losers. Looking for Brain Guy's brain. Don't just stand there, HELP LOOK FOR IT! *SOL, CROW, TOM AND MIKE SCRAMBLE AND THROW VARIOUS ITEMS FROM UNDER THE CONSOLE UP AND OUT* MIKE: We're looking! We're looking! TOM: *from offscreen* Ugh, Mike are these your Batman Underoos….IT'S NOT DOWN HERE! *MIKE IS FRANTICALLY SEARCHING UNDER THE COUNTER. CROW COMES ONSCREEN CARRYING A CLEAR PAN WITH A VERY FAMILIAR BLUE-COLORED BRAIN IN IT* CROW: Hey guys, what's up? *MIKE NOTICES CROW, BRAIN IN HAND* MIKE: Huh? So THAT's where the brain went!! *TOM NOTICES THE BRAIN CROW'S CARRYING* TOM: What the....? What're you doing with Pasty's brain? CROW: What? I didn't tell any of you? I thought I left a note or something... MIKE: Well, we thought the thing was lost, but I never thought it would have gotten stolen! Crow, how could you?? CROW: I thought I'd borrow it to find out what it would be like on a higher plane of thought and go on a mental joyride through the universe. You ever do psychic donuts all the way through the planetary core of Gallifrey? It's WEIRD! *TO CAMERA** Hey Pearl, Tell Mister Jackson over there that he got a bum deal on this blue mass of grey matter! *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Huh? How did you...never mind how you did it, mind sending it back? *SOL* CROW: Mind. Good one, Pearl! Sure. One brain coming up! *CROW TILTS BACK AND FORTH QUICKLY, MAKING THE SOUND OF A CAR TRYING TO TURN OVER. THE BRAIN DISAPPEARS WITH A POP AND INTO OBSERVER'S HAND* *CASTLE FORRESTER. THE BRAIN POPS INTO OBSERVER'S ARMS AND HE INSTANTLY COMES BACK TO HIS SENSES* OBSERVER: I'm back! *LOOKS AT THE BRAIN* Oh it's got a dent! CROW: Oh, sorry Brain Guy. Forgot to tell you, I hit a Gungan on Naboo. Just jumped right out in front of me! Can't say he didn't have it coming though. OBSERVER: Why I oughtta... PEARL: Brain Guy! You're the Brain Guy, why don't you? OBSERVER: I shall! *HE CONCENTRATES* *SOL* CROW: I'm SORRY, Brain Guy! Jeez what more do you want...*HE DISAPPEARS WITH A POP* MIKE: Well, think we should feel sorry for him? TOM: Hmm...I'd call it his just desserts. I'm sure they won't hurt him down there...much. *CASTLE FORRESTER* *CROW APPEARS SURROUNDED BY PEARL, BRAIN GUY AND BOBO* CROW: Umm...Guys, I said I'm sorry. It won't happen again...guys...Pearl? I wuv you... PEARL: Bobo? Brain Guy? Time for the hurt. *THE THREE OF THEM MOVE IN ON CROW* OBSERVER: I'm going to enjoy this IMMENSELY! CROW: Umm...gulp? ************POOF************ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and © 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only, no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc is intended or should be inferred. "Titanic" is the sole creative property of James Cameron, 20th Century Fox and all them Hollywood poobahs. Again, no infrigements were intended or inferred. Big thanks to Freak for working like a madman with me on this baby. And props go out to JBalt for his contributions as well, All the people that supported this MiSTing, the MST3K Onelist, The MiSTing discussion group, Thanks to Tinker, Evers and Chance for inventing the double play, the writers of the first amendment, the guy that invented pixie sticks and all MiSTies around the world. Special thanks to Mike Nelson, Joel Hodgson, Kevin Murphy, Mary Jo Pehl, Trace Beaulieu, Bill Corbett, Paul Chaplin, Jim Mallon, Frank Conniff, Beez McKeever and all the folks at Best Brains for creating and producing a cow town puppet show that would change the lives of all who would embrace it. You will be missed. Thank you for ten years of pure joy from the bottom of all our hearts where it will live on forever in the distant and not-too distant future. Rest in peace, Bob Ross. Stanley Kubrick, you will never be forgotten. Keep the MST3K spirit alive. Like this MiSTing? Hated it? Let me know at kramsey20@yahoo.com Keep circulating the scripts. *TWANG* BODINE Aww!! That really sucks, lady!