Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: The Return of the Lawndale Militia By Peter Guerin Misted by: Alex Gariepy, Bill Livingston, Brendan Herlihy, Antaeus Feldspar, Matt Blackwell, Rebo Valance With Assistance by Abigail Springman [OPEN ON: The Bridge of the Satellite of Love.] [CLOSE ON: A mounted and stuffed fish, only the fish head has been chopped off and replaced with CROW'S HEAD. It's not moving. He looks straight ahead, very dead. Hold for 6.3 seconds. Then...:] Crow's Head: [turning to the camera] Hey, buddy! Take a picture, it'll last longer! [Crow turns his head back and reverts to "dead state". Tom enters from the left, laughing. He speaks as a warm and friendly commercial announcer.] Tom: Yes, it's Billy, the Big-Mouthed... [struggles, can't come up with the right word, gives up] Crow. Crow: [turning again] I knew that free buffet came with a catch! Tom: Billy the Big-Mouthed Crow has a vocabulary of 800 words! Crow: 400 of which I can say in public! Jeez, what a bad toup- oh that's your hair, isn't it? Tom: Billy's sure to be the hit of your next housewarming, wedding, baby shower or funeral! Crow: Here, quick impression for ya: a robot being cut in half and sewn to a fish's butt. [Crow screams and wails.] AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW KILL ME NO-HOW-HOOOW! Tom: And, he sings! Crow: o/~ Jimmy Crack Corn, and I don't care! That you ripped me from my natural environment, dissected me without anesthetic, ignored my tortured screams, nailed me to your wall, and expect me to kiss your fat-! o/~ [Mike quietly enters into the background, not speaking. He has that patient "I'll wait 'til your finished" look about him.] Tom: Don't delay! Send your check or money order to! Billy! The Big-Mouthed... Crow. Crow: Hey, is that an impressionable young kid? LESBIAN! Ha! [The light flashes. Mike smiles resignedly at the audience.] Mike: Welcome to the living Nickelodeon cartoon from hell I call my life. We'll be right back. Tom: Also available: Billy the Big Mouthed Crow 2000! With off switch! [Logo, commercials.] ================================================================ [The SoL's Bridge.] [Mike is leaning on Billy the Big Mouthed Crow while talking to Tom.] Tom: But don't you see, Mike! We'll sell millions of these babies! Millions! Mike: Tom, you're selling Crow's head! How many Crow's heads do you have? Tom: [hedging] Well it's hard to precisely say exactly, what with the high turnover rate and our computer inventory system being temporarily out of... [comes down] one. Mike: And how many orders have you taken? Crow: [coming to life] Thirteen thousand units! Mike: OK, now do you see where this could cause a problem? Crow: No. [Another Tom Servo enters carrying a stack of three boxes.] Tom #2: Where ya want the new shipment of fishtails, Mr. Servo? Tom: Mailroom, Tommy! And get the other twelve thousand, nine hundred ninety nine me's to help you out! Tom #2: [exiting] OK! Mike: [to Crow] And you! How could you let him do this to you?! Crow: Oh, Mike! I know I've been robbed of my freedom, bought and sold like a '68 Volkswagen, and the stitches in my side have probably become disgustingly infected! But the important thing is: Tom said I'd look cool! Mike: You look like a freak show! Crow: No! No, I'm sure if that were the case, Tom would tell me. Wouldn't you, Tommy! Tom: Absolutely! Mike: And what are we gonna do in the theater? Tom: Got it covered, Mikey! [Entering from the left is Crow's bottom half with a fish head stuck to the top. It's dancing and lip-synching to recorded music.] Fish: o/~ Splish splash! I was takin' a bath! Long about a Saturday Night-! o/~ Mike: [sighs, sees light flash] Mrs. Paul's calling. Thank goodness. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl, Observer and Professor Bobo stand in the foreground. The sound of a printer running can be faintly heard in the background.] Pearl: Morning Mike. Tom. Crow. Fish thing. Observer: I believe that's a manatee, Pearl. Pearl: [Snort] Manatees are mythological, Brainy. Bobo: Oh, that's not true, lawgiver. One time when I was on a trip to Newfoundland, I came face to face with one of them! It was horrible, what with its evil stare and icky breath! Oooh! Observer: Oh, please. Bobo, this is no different than the time when you saw Yahoo Serious at the Sam Goody's. Bobo: But he was there! He was looking at Bad Company CDs! Pearl: What about the time you saw the fire breathing Dragon at Old Chicago? Bobo: He was having some buffalo wings! [SoL] [Mike is reattaching Crow's head with a wrench. Crow is being difficult.] Crow: [resentful] Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me! Mike: [to Tom] Do you think we should break up this conversation? Tom: Hey, as long as they're talking, that means no experiment. Mike: Well, this isn't much better. Crow: [defiantly at Mike] Me and my separated Siamese fish brother will wreak revenge on you! Tommy, get the wicker basket! Mike: Oh, hush. [to Pearl] Hey Pearl? Were you calling us for a reason? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, thanks for reminding... Bobo: But I do know Yeti! Bob and Cindi Yeti! They play poker with Christian Slater every Thursday! Observer: Hush, Bobo. Bobo: But...! Pearl: Bobo? Do you want to clean out the septic tank behind the Circle K again? Bobo: [Quietly] No, ma'am. Pearl: Then shut up. [She takes a breath.] Anyway, Nelson, we've got a special treat for you tonight. We've managed to find a sequel to one of your least favorite experiments... [SoL] [The trio looks aghast.] Mike: Dear lord. They didn't make "Shakes the Clown II" did they? Crow: [shaking] Mike, Hollywood can't be that evil, can they?? Mike: I don't know, Crow. I just don't know. [Castle Forrester] [The mads look a bit confused.] Pearl: Er, no. It's a sequel to Pete Guerin's epic, "The Mandingo Suppertime Zucchini Blunderbuss"! Observer: Actually, it's "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle", Pearl. Pearl: Whatever. [SoL] Mike: Oh. Well, that's marginally less evil. I guess. Crow: [still shaking] No Bobcat? Mike: No, Crow. Just Peter Guerin. Crow: Oh. [Crow stops shaking for a moment, then resumes trembling at a greater rate.] But Guerin writes crossovers! Shakes might be in this one! Mike: I kind of doubt it. Tom: Say, Pearl? I see all of you down there. Shouldn't Pete still be talking one of your ears off? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, thankfully we took precautions this time. I faxed him for permission on this one. And... [The mads turn to the back of the castle as the camera pans back, revealing a still printing fax machine surrounded by paper.] Pearl: ...Well, you see the result. Observer: This started three hours ago. Bobo: I've had to add more paper twice! Pearl: Prepare to meet [dramatic pause] THE RETURN OF THE LAWNDALE MILITIA! BWHA-HA-HA! Send it up, Brain Guy! [SoL] [the lights are flashing merrily.] All: AHHH! WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN!!! [Mike hits the mads light, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the bots enter and sit.] Mike: Okay, is everyone ready? Looks like it'll be another long one. Crow: Yeah, I'm ready. Tom: Hang on. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Okay. I got that outta my system. I'm ready. Mike: Here we go then. >RETURN OF THE LAWNDALE MILITIA Tom: Because absolutely *no one* demanded it! Mike: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the 10 Spot... >A Daria/Gunsmith Cats/Here is Greenwood >Crossover Fan Fiction Story Mike: Armed Maine Coons meet Mr. O'Neill at a country music concert? >By >Peter W. Guerin Crow: Former President Peter Herbert Walker Guerin's son! Tom: The W stands for: Why? Why? >------------------------------------------------------------ >With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, >Kenichi Sonada, Yukie Nasu and Naoko Takeuchi. Crow: If you're going to apologize to the whole world individually, I suggest you send representatives to all 6 billion people. >------------------------------------------------------------ > >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES > Tom: [Guerin] Feelin' fine. I met some gal named Susan the other day... Mike: Somehow, I don't think he meant his journal entries, Tom. >None of this ever happened. Crow: Or - did it? Mike: No it didn't - stop that. > This story is entirely a >work of fiction. Tom: It's scary to contemplate that yes, some people probably need to be told. > As for continuity, Crow: Fuhgeddaboutit! > this story takes place >after "The Dinner Date from Hell" Tom: Hey Mike, Pete's been snooping in your social life. Mike: Hardy-har-har. > and is Part 2 of the >"Lawndale Militia Trilogy." > Mike: Look for Part Three, "Abbott and Costello Meet the Lawndale Militia", soon at a fanfic site near you. >For those who are not familiar with either "Gunsmith >Cats" or "Here is Greenwood," Mike: Well, he's speaking to us again, guys. Tom: Speak for yourself. I loved those singing, dancing, shooting kitties. Crow: And I saw every episode of "Greenwood 2nite." Martin Mull was hilarious in it! > brief descriptions follow. Mike: So "brief" descriptions are those rants lasting five or so pages? > >1. GUNSMITH CATS > Crow: If T.S. Eliot had lived in Montana! Tom: From the makers of "Ironmonger Sheep" and "Carpenter Armadillos." >"Gunsmith Cats" is a three-part anime series from >legendary "Bubblegum Crisis" Tom: And its unknown sequel, "Someone Took My Tolberone!" > and "Gall Force" creator >Kenichi Sonada, Mike: Known to his friends as "Punky". > which is based on a manga series >appearing in "Afternoon", a monthly manga anthology Tom: "Afternoon" appears monthly? So we go straight from morning to night the rest of the time? >published by manga powerhouse Kodansha (and now being >reprinted in the United States by Dark Horse Comics). Crow: Dark Horse! We've built an empire on "Aliens", "Predators" and "Terminator" crossovers! > It >was a follow-up to an earlier effort of Sonada's called >"Riding Bean." > Mike: The story of "Driving Bean"'s ascent to the upper class! >"Gunsmith Cats" concerns three women in Chicago who run >their own gun shop: Crow: Great, another "Providence" knock-off. > raven-black haired Rally Vincent (who >had blonde hair in "Riding Bean"); Tom: When asked why it happened, Rally replied by throwing a dumb blonde jokebook at the person's head. > ditzy blonde Minnie-May >Hopkins (May to her friends) Mike: Good, I wouldn't wanna be called 'Minnie'. Tom: Stupid people selling guns! I feel safer already! Crow: Yeah, they think a seven-day waiting period means they can't leave the store. > and Becky Farra, who serves as >the store's accountant. Mike: And with her razor-edged spreadsheets, she's the deadliest one of all! > Besides the gun shop, Rally and >May are also part-time bounty hunters. Mike: [Rally] Someday we'll find the paper towel that killed my pa! > To that end, Rally >trusts on her CZ-75 9 mm Parabellum automatic, Crow: A motorcycle windshield? > a Czech >handgun, Crow: Czech? Tom: Sorry, Czash or Czarge Cards only. > while May depends on the apparently unlimited >supply of hand grenades Tom: Stupid people selling guns AND handling explosives! > (and rather colorful ones at that!) Mike: Yes, it's the new iExplosive. Available in Mango, Papaya and Kiwi flavors. >she totes with her. Tom: Tonight's Episode: Form Follows Destruction! > Further, Rally and May ride around in >a Shelby Cobra GT Tom: Lime green, with a statue of Jesus on the dash. Crow: Hey, didn't Nicholas Cage steal one of those in "Gone in 60 seconds"? Mike: I don't know, Crow. > (in "Riding Bean", Inspector Percy uses a >Shelby Cobra himself in order to stop Bean Bandit, Crow: The Frito Bandito's hilarious new sidekick! > who rides >in a customized car called Buff the Roadbuster; Crow: As played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. Tom: Look for the spin-off car, Angelmobile, soon. > how Rally >gets the vehicle is never explained). Mike: [Guerin] But thanks to my new 700-page appendix! > At one time, Rally >and Bean were partners in Bean's semi-legitimate courier >service; Crow: When UPS goes rogue! > Bean wasn't above serving both sides of the law. Tom: And when he's serving Manwiches, both sides of the law come running! >Bean is nowhere to be seen in the "Gunsmith Cats" anime, Tom: But he did become an extra on "Lexx". >though in the manga its revealed that they're now bitter >enemies. For the purposes of this story, they become allies >again. > Tom: [Pete] Why? Because I felt like it! Crow: God made continuity so we could disregard it when it suits us. >In the "Gunsmith Cats" anime, Rally and May form an >uneasy alliance with ATF agent Bill Collins Crow: Tom's tea-totaling brother! Tom: Phil's boring un-musical nephew! Crow: Bootsy's incredibly unhip son! Tom: Joan's in-focus uncle! Mike: You're both wrong, it's Harper's father, lonely and bitter from watching his kid steal his publishing business. > in order to >expose a gun-running ring operating in Chicago that involves >a mayoral candidate, a former KGB assassin and Agent >Collins' boss. Tom: They all walk into this bar, see? And the bartender says... > The manga has many more stories of interest. Mike: Which have also been ignored. Crow: [blown away] Wow, stories of interest! Can we read it, Mike, huh, can we, huh, can we can we can we? Mike: Crow, a fanfic author saying something's interesting is like Las Vegas claiming to have museums and culture. Crow: [feeling gypped] Oooh! >The anime series was released in three parts by A. D. >Vision, Mike: Although in fairness, two of those parts were just twenty minutes of the director crying with his head in his girlfriend's lap. Tom: A.D. Vision! Producing Anime series since 0! > though more recently a compilation of the series on >one tape (subtitled "Bulletproof!") was released. Tom: So Adam Sandler and Keenan Ivory Wayans are just anime characters? Mike: Well, we can always hope. Crow: Ironically, an indy film of fans shooting the tape full of buckshot won several awards at Sundance. > The >series is available either subtitled or dubbed; Crow: Both in Urdu, but available nonetheless. > the >subtitled version of Part 1 has a bonus "Making of" segment >featuring an interview with Sonada. Mike: Unfortunately, they forgot to subtitle or dub the interview. > "Riding Bean" itself is >available either subtitled or dubbed from AnimEigo. > >2. HERE IS GREENWOOD > Tom: You can find it in British Columbia, Nova Scotia, Arkansas, Mississippi, Indiana, Florida, Delaware, California... >"Here is Greenwood" is another anime series based on a >manga, Tom: Boy, the Japanese sure love their animated tropical fruits. Mike: Tom, that's a mango. Tom: My comment stands, Mike. > this time based on the "bishônen" ("pretty-boy") >manga series Tom: Cower in fear at the approach of crime boss Pretty Boy Mango! Crow: The Prohibition mangas! See Al Capone whack Elliot Ness with a Neko-Neko hammer! > from Yukie Nasu appearing in the Hakusensha >publication "Flowers and Dreams Comics." Mike: A comic book version of "Tiger Beat"? How redundant. > This series is >different from most, since there are no giant robots, >superhuman schoolgirls or post-apocalyptic scenarios >involved. > All: BOR-ING! Crow: Anyway, How many post-apocalyptic giant robots regularly appear in "Flowers and Dreams Comics"? >The story centers around Kazuya Hasukawa ("Ska" to his >friends), Tom: [Jamaican] Natty, mon! Pass de duche 'pon de left hand side! > who's just your average, ordinary teenage guy. Mike: [Kazuya, whiny] Can you buy guns for us? Please? We just need fifty! >When his brother Katsuhiro marries Sumire, the girl of >Kazuya's dreams, the younger Hasukawa decides to enroll >at the prestigious Ryokuto Academy; Crow: A direct cause and effect! Just like when Mike ran out of ice cream and I put an acetylene torch in my mouth. > unfortunately for >him, they assign him a dorm at Greenwood Dorm, the home >for all the school's weirdoes and outcasts a/la/Daria. Tom: A/la, la la la? Mike: [Kazuya] I can't believe they stuck me with these weirdoes! I'm going to smear peanut butter on my face and sing Karen Carpenter songs 'til they go away! >To make matters even worse, Katsuhiro works there as the >school's nurse! > Tom: ... and? What? Is Ska gonna worry that his brother's gonna help him heal if he has a papercut? >Weird does not even begin to describe Ska's classmates. Mike: Then why did you begin to describe them that way? >Here's a list of who they are: > Tom: Oh joy. Pete's hitting the lists up front this time. Crow: Well, it saves us wondering. >Shinobu Tezuka: Student Government President and >Kazuya's next-door neighbor. Mike: Student President? God, he is a freak! > He possesses strong spiritual >energy (or so Misako the ghost claims); Tom: Ghost? Mike: Just accept it. It's probably going to get worse. > he has a sister >named Nagisa, who's been harboring a life-long grudge >against him and who runs her own yakuza Crow: [old Jew] My yakuza gives me agita, oy! Such a pain down my right side. > (crime syndicate). > >Mitsuru Ikeda: Crow: The person behind the merging of Mitsubishi and Ikea! > Shinobu's roommate and president of >Greenwood Dorm. Crow: Hey, our second President so far! Tom: The Florida Supremes must've branched out. > Mitsuru was abandoned at a Buddhist temple >as a baby and was raised by the kindly couple who lived >there with the temple priest. > Mike: Thus, he became Mitsuru: King of the Buddhists! >Shun Kisaragi: Tom: Well, okay. Kisaragi - I officially shun you! > Kazuya's roommate. Crow: 'Nuff said. Person's a weirdo. > Shun is a boy who >looks, dresses acts and sounds like a girl Mike: But since that girl is Annie Lennox, no one really pays it any mind. > (in both the >subtitled and dubbed versions, female voice actors do his >part). Crow: All this and more in the next issue of "Junior Crying Game" comics. > His/her parents are innkeepers and has a "sister" >named Reina. > Crow: So Chibi Moon's in this manga too? Mike: That's Reenie, Crow. Tom: This "story" seems fond of "sexual ambiguity". Crow: I wonder "why". >Misako: This ghost of a junior high school girl >appears in the story "The Haunting of Greenwood". Tom: The original was great, but the remake just bombed at the box office. > Misako >was thinking of boys when she was ran over by a truck. Crow: Now that parable has Japan writ all over it! > The >only way she can go to the next dimension is to kiss a boy, >which results in her haunting Mitsuru. In this story, I >have her stick around as sort of the dorm's mascot. > Mike: I'll bet she's good at scaring up support! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Crow: So you haunt a dorm so you can progress to heaven and hang out at a dorm? Tom: That's heartrending. I'm all cried out, and we've barely started. >Miya Igarashi: Miya figures prominently in the final >story called "Second Love. . .Always be There for You". >Miya is on the run from a all-girl street gang Crow: Oh, please, ladies, no more punishment, I beg you! Mike: I think "Miya" is a girl, Crow. Crow: Even better! *Rrrrrrrrrrrrr*! Tom: Lovely. Crow's been possessed by Upchuck. > when Kazuya >(who was just elected dorm president) Tom: I thought Mitsuru was dorm president. Mike: That was before the ghost kissed him. Tom: So Greenwood discriminates against ectosexuals? Crow: Well, you know. You're not just kissing a ghost, you're kissing all their ancestors. It's unhygienic. > offers his assistance. >After solving her immediate problems, Crow: With the help of the defensive line of the Cleveland Browns. > Ska finds himself in >love with her. However, she's had a relationship with a >young man named Tenma Koizumi for the past ten years. Mike: [Guerin] However, for this story, I will forget this subplot so these two can make kissy-face. Crow: Welp! This is the backstory. So I'm turning my back to it. See you later! Tom: If I have to watch it, so do you. Turn around. > I >won't tell you how things work out here, but when you read >this story you can judge for yourself. > Mike: Okay everyone, have your "0.1" cards ready. Crow: I wasn't going to be that generous. >There are other oddball characters in this story like >the guy who lugs his motorcycle around, Tom: Jay Leno? > the Computer Club >that runs an arcade out of the room they all share, Tom: Ah. The transfer students from the Worchester Polytechnic Institute. > the >fundamentalist Christian preacher Mike: Yeah, Christians are really odd, all right. > and the dorm lady who's >more concerned with watching her soap operas than in >maintaining order in the dorm. > Tom: "Um, miss? The dorm's on fire and spreading quickly." Crow: "Not now! I gotta see what happens to Austin!" Mike: Ah, someone shirking their responsibility. Clearly the villain of the story. >"Here is Greenwood" is available as a three-part video >series either subtitled or dubbed from Central Park Media's >Software Sculptors division. > Crow: [Guerin] As I'm sure you must now obtain a copy as soon as possible! >All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV >Networks, Tom: [Guerin] As for the other years, I have absolutely no idea who they belonged to! > a division of Viacom International, Inc. Mike: Corporate America! Buying and selling artistic vision since 1776! > All >Rights Reserved. > >All "Gunsmith Cats" characters are (c) 1995, 1997, 1998 >Kenichi Sonada/Kodansha/VAP/TBS/A. D. Vision. All Rights >Reserved. > Crow: Lawyers must get the wicked urge to write "Some Rights Reserved. Wanna Guess Which Ones? Huh? Ya Feel Lucky, Punk? Come On!" >All "Riding Bean" characters are (c) 1989, 1993, 1998 >Youmex, Inc./AnimEigo, Inc. All Rights Reserved. > Tom: Wow, he's protecting the HELL out of himself here. Mike: Well, you know Pete. Random appearances by Brenda Starr, Felix the Cat or The Yellow Kid can pop up at any moment. >All "Here is Greenwood" characters are (c) 1991, 1992, >1996,1998 Yukie Nasu/Hakusensha/Victor Entertainment, >Inc./Pierrot Project/Software Sculptors, Ltd; a division of >Central Park Media Corporation. Crow: We're Beatrice! > All Rights Reserved. > >All "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters are (c) 1992, 1998 >Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Company, Ltd./ >DIC Enterprises LP. All rights reserved. > Mike: Any similarities with persons living or dead may result in headaches, oily discharge, or minor heart arrhythmia. Consult a doctor before embarking on any fanfic. Tom: [Guerin] Must... disclaim... everything! The patent officers are out to get me! >------------------------------------------------------------ >SONG CREDITS > Mike: Not again. Tom: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THE MONKS ARE BACK!!!! [rushes from theater] Mike: Whoa! Crow: Yeah, the whole Black Monk thing kinda scarred him for life. >"Tusk": Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all- o/~ Crow: No, Mike - no more. *shudder* We said we'd never go there again. > Words and music by Lindsey Buckingham. Mike: Still. Crow: Like before. Mike: But thanks for reminding us. Crow: NEXT!! > (c) 1979 >New Sounds Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved. Crow: [Buckingham] OK, you can use my song, but only if I give up all legal control over its use! Mike: [Guerin] No, sorry, I'm reserving your rights and that's final. Crow: [Buckingham] Damn you, Peter Guerin! > Appearing >on Fleetwood Mac's 1979 album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's >and cassettes. > Crow: Not on the albums, though. Odd that. >"Drive": Words and music by Bill Berry, Peter Buck, >Mike Mills and Michael Stipe. Mike: Based on a story by Richard Petty. > (c) 1992 Night Garden Music; >administered worldwide by Unichappelll Music, Inc. (BMI). Mike: [Bullwinkle] With three or four "L"s in there! >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on REM's 1992 album >"Automatic for the People" on Warner Bros. CD's and >cassettes. > Mike: Join the '00s, Pete. Crow: MP3s and mini-discs forever! >"The Rockafeller Skank": Words and music Crow: All ten words and eight notes of it. > by Norman >Cook. Mike: Right about now? Crow: Funk soul brother. > (c) 1998 Polygram Music, Inc. (BMI). Crow: [valley girl] Oh, B-M-I! > All Rights >Reserved. Crow: [cackling] Haha, now that I control the rights to "Rockafeller Skank", I shall RULE THE WORLD! > Appearing on Fatboy Slim's 1998 album "You've >Come a Long Way, Baby" on Astralwerks CD's and cassettes. Mike: Hey look, the German New Wave band Kraftverk has a space program. Crow: No, it's a combination psychic hotline/crystal auction house. >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: [poking head back in theater] Are they - are they gone? Mike: It's okay Servo, not a monk to be seen this time. Tom: Whew! Thanks goodness! [resumes seat] >PROLOGUE Mike: Also known as the part before the opening credit sequence. Tom: Previously on "TMSNZDBD"! >------------------------------------------------------------ >(The Prologue starts just as the Lawndale Militia is Crow: -sitting down to dinner. >about to return to try and retake the town in "The Misery >Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle," Crow: Musk Oil Sephriam Noodelroni Eggbeater! Tom: Monstervision Nosegay Dodo Buffy Burger! Mike: Mister Shazam Dagnabbit Kringle Krangle! > which is >re-presented here for your convenience. All: NOOOOO-HOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Crow: Convenience? More like a bad acid trip! Tom: He can't do this, can he?!? I mean, isn't it against the Geneva convention or something? Mike: Unfortunately, no. We'll just have to grind our teeth and take it. Tom: Great! I finally get the mental scars to heal, and Pete comes along and rips the bandage off the scab! > If you have not >read the entire story yet, please do so!) Mike: Paid for by the Committee of Citizens Who Hate You 2000. Crow: But only if you have several hours and a sizable portion of your brain you wish to kill. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Downtown Lawndale looked like a tornado had struck it. Crow: Cows were flying all over the place, and Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt were busily necking non-stop. Mike: Crow? He may be re-using the text, but that doesn't mean we can reuse our riffs. Crow: Munchkins were running wild, and not a wicked witch in sight was safe! Better? Mike: Better. >The Free Lawndalers had to hang on for another hour until >the National Guard arrived. Tom: So they went to the mayor's office to make long distance personal calls and play Free Cell, Vegas style! > Daria, Usagi, Ami and the >others were at the ready. Upchuck, the geeky kid at school, Tom: Yes, there's only one geeky kid in Lawndale. Crow: The rest were all shipped out to William McKinley High. >went up to Daria. > Mike: [Upchuck] Aren't these police actions phony? >"After this is all over, you want to go to my foxhole >and make love, not war? ROWR!", Upchuck said to Daria. > Crow: Oh, I'm glad he kept in all my favorite parts of the original. Mike: So I guess this awkward teenage pick-up line will become a crucial plot element this time around. >"Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, >I'll personally demonstrate on you what Lorena Bobbitt did >to John Wayne Bobbitt!", Daria replied. Mike: [Upchuck] You're going to marry me? Cool! Oh, you mean AFTER that... > Upchuck got the >hint and got away from her. > Tom: Not so much a "hint" as it is a "massive threat", is it? Mike: It's that subtle Daria wit we've all come to love. >"This is it, everyone!," Crow: "We're gonna die! AAAAAH!" > Mr. DeMartino said, "This is >the battle that will either mean the end of the Lawndale >Militia or the beginning of a dark age for this town! Tom: [Sinclair] It was the dawn of the dark age of mankind... > We've >got to hold on until the National Guard arrives." > Mike: [Daria] We know, the omniscient narrator already told us. Crow: Mike? Since Guerin's not coming up with any new text, why do WE have to come up with new riffs? Mike: Um... I think it's like doing a second set in the gym. Crow: What, so we're developing these grotesquely enormous riff muscles? Tom: I'd rather go for tone. >Just then, there was a commotion at the edge of town. Tom: A commotion? Was it a tiff? Mike: Maybe it was a hoop-de-doo. Crow: Worse, it may even be a throwdown. >The Lawndale Militia was arriving! Crow: o/~ Oh-oh the Lawndale Militia is a', COM-in down the street! o/~ Mike: Crow, that was your riff last time! Crow: Excuse me! I think you'll find it was TOM'S riff? I'm clean. Mike: It doesn't matter whose riff. No repeats. Behave. Crow: [at Mike, under his breath] Weiner. > Anthony was at the front >of the troops. They had gas masks on, and it looked like >they were going to launch a terrifying attack. > Tom: Either that or they were going to do a Broadway-style version of 'The Elephant Man'. >On my signal, fire the sarin bombs!," Anthony said. > Mike: Sarin bombs, you have ten minutes to gather your personal effects and leave the premises. >The troops got ready to pull the pins on the grenades >and throw them. Crow: Whosoever pulls this pin from the grenade shall become King of England! > There would be mere seconds to stop the >attack before the deadly serin gas would be released. > Mike: Of course, these were metric seconds, so you have to multiply by 9/5ths and add 20. >"Leave this up to me!," Usagi said. She spread her >wings and began to fly. > Mike: o/~ So spread your tiny wings and fly away... o/~ Tom: Wow, it's just like "Greatest American Hero"! Except it's a Japanese schoolgirl who's really pretty bad at it actually. >The Militiamen had now pulled the pins. Crow: And champagne started flying! > The only thing >that separated Death from Lawndale was the safety handles >and a mere five seconds. Tom: And the large steel cage a bra-less A-ko had erected around the militia within the blink of an eye. > They were ready to throw the >grenades. > Mike: Then Woodsy the Owl reminded them to "Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute" so they put them in a trashcan instead. >"THROW AT WILL!," Anthony said. > Tom: Or Grace! Crow: Or- Just Jack! >The grenades were being thrown at a rapid-fire pace. Mike: John Rocker takes the field at Shea Stadium! >Suddenly, Usagi flew right above them, and waved her Moon >Scepter around the general area. > Crow: Meanwhile, the grenades were taking considerable effect on her allies, as they die from the gasses. >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," shouted Sailor Moon. > Crow: Did we ever find out just what the heck a "halation" was? Tom: No, but hers are quite impressive. >The energy hit the grenades and turned them all into >harmless dust, Mike: If the energy makes the gas harmless, why deliver it with grenades? > which then fell on the attackers. > Crow: [panicked] Problem dandruff! >"GET THEM NOW WHILE WE'VE GOT THE ADVANTAGE!," Mr. DeMartino yelled. > Tom: And so the untrained sixteen-year olds pursued their advantage against the heavily-armed green berets! >All the Free Lawndalers advanced on the bewildered >Militia. The fighting was fierce. Mike: Yet somehow vague. > Casualties were heavy on >both sides, but the superior numbers of the Free Lawndalers >was beginning to tell. Crow: So, lots of innocent schoolkids died, but since none of them were major characters, it's OK! Tom: Such detail went into his credits, but not into his battles? Mike: [Guerin] Some people died, some places were blown up, but all in all the battle was a snooze fest. > Soon, one of the Militiamen was >yelling, "Everyone for himself, and the Devil take the >hindmost!" Mike: Ooh. The puppeteers are going to be pissed. > Suddenly, Anthony saw his support dissipating. > Tom: And his hairline receding. Crow: Awfully literary for the thick of battle, innit? Mike: Still, he's doin' better than Gore. >"Come back here and fight, or I'll shoot every last one >of you!," Anthony said. Mike: I don't think this is the "One Minute Manager" way to deal with this situation. > But it was no use. He was all >alone now. > Tom: [Corlew] Huh. And I thought bein' an anti-government reactionary would make friendships that last a lifetime. Oh well. Live and learn. >"Give yourself up," Daria said. "The National Guard >will be here soon, and they're going to restore law and >order here." > Mike: [Daria] Yeah! We want Lenny Brisco back! >"NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO JACK-BOOTED THUGS LIKE >THEM!," Crow: [Corlew] THEIR DRESS SENSE IS ATROICIOUS!! I'LL SURRENDER ONLY TO THE FASHION CLUB! Mike: Tony, the *ATF* are the jack-booted thugs. Tom: Yeah, the National Guard are the lazy no-account sons of the rich and powerful! It's a whole different thing! > Anthony roared and fled to St. Eligus' Presbyterian >Church, which had a tall bell tower. Mike: It's the hunchback of the village of the damned. Tom: Thancturay! Thanctuary! Crow: Next to the abandoned warehouse, the house of mirrors, and the creepy old carnival! > Daria, Usagi, Ami, >Jane, Trent and Jesse were in hot pursuit. > Crow: [Daria] Remind me why we didn't cut off his escape routes? Tom: [Jane] Um... we're stupid? Crow: [Daria] That was my theory. >Anthony got there first, and ran up the stairs, first >jimmying the door so it wouldn't open. Mike: How can rainbow sprinkles keep a door closed? Tom: Stuff'em in the hinges? > Daria got there soon >after. > >"The door's been jimmied closed. I can't open it," she >said. > Crow: So I'm not even gonna try. I'm headin' for Terrible Herb's. Anyone else want a beer? >"Stand back!," Usagi said; she then shouted, "SAILOR >MOON KICK!" > Tom: Why don't they leave him locked in the tower until the Guard gets here? Mike: I don't... >The door was kicked into splinters. She and the others >ran up the stairs to the top of the bell tower. Tom: By the way, Mike, you remember last time, when you said "Oh! John Paul Getties! Did you see some colorless militia guy go past here?" Mike: Yeah? Tom: There's no such person. Crow: You were thinking of Charles Joseph Whitman. Mike: Huh. Well, thanks guys. I've learned something. > Anthony was >there, armed with an AK-47, Crow: Nothing says "I'm an anti-government terrorist" better than an AK-47! Tom: The AK-47, a name you shouldn't trust to your evil minions. > some white phosphorus grenades Mike: Oh, good choice. White goes with anything. >and a Bowie knife. > Crow: o/~ One of these things is not like the other... o/~ Tom: And a rape whistle. And a super soaker. And an air horn. And a small ball of string. >"STAND BACK! I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T!," he >yelled. > Tom: [Corlew] AND IF YOU DO, I WON'T! IT'S SIMPLE, REALLY, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT! >Sailor Moon stood in front of everyone else and said: > Crow: [Usagi] This is my only line. Tom: [resentful] Ooo, if only that were true. >"You evil man! Mike: Please, they prefer the term 'morally impaired'. > Trying to subvert the very nation and >government you claim to be saving! Crow: [Usagi] Since I'm Japanese I'm gonna let you do it, but still, I am VERY disappointed in you! > I am the pretty soldier Mike: Surprisingly, there aren't all that many places where "pretty" can reasonably be used as a modifier for "soldier". >Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice! Tom: [Usagi] And on the cover of 'Wheaties'! > In place >of the Moon, you're punished!" > Mike: [Usagi] I was going to punish the moon for being a full moon last night, but your little uprising just takes the cake, young man! Crow: [Corlew, confused] So, you would have punished the moon, but... I'm sorry, are you sure you translated this right? >"You're not in Tokyo anymore, you Jap bitch!," Anthony >said, and flung his Bowie knife right at Usagi. > Crow: That's for her unsightly bikini area. Tom: [Dylan] o/~ Blade lady blade! Blade within your thick blonde skull! o/~ Mike: [wincing] Oo, Tommy. Down one notch, please. >Daria tugged on a rope, causing a bell to ring and >strike the knife out of harm's way. > Crow: See! I knew all those Martial-Arts Bell-Ringing courses Daria was taking were foreshadowing the final conflict! Mike: Careening safely into Jane's abdominal cavit- Oh. Tom: That's either the slowest moving knife in history, or the town's church bell weighs three ounces! >Daria now stared at him. > Tom: [Daria] Maybe this will hurt him! Mike: [Corlew, downcast] Shoot. Her approval meant everything in the world to me, and I blew it. >"Why are you waging this war for?," she asked. > All: D'OH! Crow: Man, you go through that big dramatic pause and then can't get the grammar right! Mike: That's today's Liberal Arts programs for ya. >Anthony replied, "To bring back constitutional >government." > Tom: [flighty]: And knickers and bobby socks and kicky berets! >Daria responded, "Then why do you want to establish a >dictatorship that is the complete antithesis of everything >that the Founding Fathers fought for in the Constitution? Mike: [Daria] And I bet you support that icky Electoral College too! Crow: Ah yes, the return of the 80-page lecture-slash- speech. I'd almost forgotten about this. >About sixty years ago, another group existed that blamed >their nation's problems on minority groups and a so-called >decadent government. Tom: Now they've retooled their message and nominated Cheney for veep! > They eventually got into power and >killed many who opposed them. Crow: [Corlew] Your point? > They were called the Nazis. Crow: [Corlew, dismissive] Oh please! That term is so overused! Mike: [Daria] If you'd like to learn *more* about Hitler's National Socialist party, visit your local library! >Groups like yours keep saying that the letter of the >Constitution must be obeyed, but you violate its spirit Tom: [Corlew] Ooo, its spirit! What, is the Constitution gonna jump up and bite me? > by >trying to deny rights to minorities and others who disagree >with you. Mike: Apparently we've switched away from the climax, to join the finals of some third grade's Fourth of July essay contest. > Besides, if you really take over this country, >what is to stop the same groups you persecute from forming >their own terrorist organizations Crow: [Corlew] That's why we were going to deny them rights and persecute them! Mike: [Daria] Oh. Wow, you guys really put some thought into this! > like the Black Panthers >and the FALN? Tom: Boy, I had no idea Mexican desserts were so dangerous. Mike: FALN, Tom, not flan. > Groups like yours forget that violence only >brings on more violence. Crow: This from the woman who froze a bank robber and shattered him. Tom: *Last ish! - Your Ever Lovin' Robot Pal, Tom-mo. > Your vision of the Americana Dream >is everyone else's nightmare, and I won't allow you to bring >that to reality." > Mike: She'll allow your campaign of terror and retribution, but this "new government" thing is where she draws the line! >"Then you are a traitor!," yelled Anthony. > Tom: [Corlew] Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate! Ster-il-ize! Ster-il-ize! >"No, you're the traitor, Mr. Corlew," Daria replied. > Crow: [Corlew] You are! Tom: [Daria] You are! Crow: [Corlew] You! Tom: [Daria] You! Mike: Ouch, touché! >Anthony screamed "DIE, TRAITOR!" and lunged for the >Bowie knife. Mike: [Corlew] Yeah! Let's dance! Put on your red shoes and have a scrum! Come on! > Daria got there as well and a fierce struggle >began. Crow: [wistful] Man, I'll never forget the first time I saw this scene.[suddenly bitter] Where the hell are my memory suppression skills when I need them?! > They were rolling around the floor, getting >perilously close first to the opening for the ropes, then to >the edge of the tower. Mike: Then to the garment district, then off to Spago's for a quick lunch! > Punches were exchanged. Blood was >spilled. Mike: The passive voice was employed. Crow: Snacks were served. Presents were exchanged. Tom: Audience engagement was thwarted. > Usagi and the others stood there helplessly. Tom: Shouldn't they be doing something? Crow: And dirty their nails? No way! >Daria knocked the knife out of Anthony's hand. Mike: [dramatic] More powerful than a sarcastic locomotive! > Anthony then >locked Daria in a chokehold and threw her up against the >ledge. > Mike: Uh, Tony, that's not the way you do shiatsu, guy. Flip her over. >"You can't stop us all! Mike: You mean all your friends who deserted you? > There's too many like us all >over the country!," Crow: [Corlew] And we're all heading to Palm Beach! We'll cause you to double punch ballots! Tom: [Daria] Oh, yeah. Like that'll ever cause problems. > Anthony bellowed. "Now I'm going to >snap your neck!" > Tom: [Daria] You can't snap all my necks! There's too many like them all over... [coming down] aw screw it, just kill me and get me the heck out of this story. >Everyone knew they had to do something now. Mike: [Usagi] I know! Let us cheer for Daria as earnestly as we possibly can! Crow: [Mamoru] Yes! Perhaps from back here! Or downstairs! Tom: [Trent] I saw an excellent cheering spot behind the couch in my living room! > Trent saw >the Bowie knife there on the floor and picked it up. > Tom: [Trent] This is at least worth a grand on the market! >"I WON'T LET YOU MURDER THE WOMAN I LOVE!," Trent >yelled. > Mike: Well actually, since it's Trent, it was more of a mumble than a yell... Crow: Why? He seemed perfectly willing before. Tom: Mel Gibson is Trent Lane in: "Yelling Means You Care". >Anthony turned around to see Trent throw the knife >right into his heart. Crow: [Dart announcer] And he makes a perfect hit! Well done! > Anthony stood there for a second, >then drew the knife out. > Crow: Whew! Dat boy's got *stamina*! >"I'll take you with me, you welfare-cheating hippie!," >he managed to spurt out. All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Tom: He's still in high school. How likely is it that he, personally, is cheating on welfare? > He was ready to fling the knife >back at Trent. > Mike: [Corlew] Now hold still... alllll threeee of youuuuu! >Usagi, however, ran up to him. > Crow: [Usagi] Sweetie! You forgot your lunch! >"SAILOR MOON KICK!," she yelled and kicked him real >hard. > Tom: But since she was a girl, he just grabbed her leg and looked at her in disbelief. >The force of the kick threw Anthony clear of the ledge >and out of the tower. Anthony yelled "AAAAAAAAAA!" Mike: I don't think he's going to have time to get to the other 25 letters here. Crow: Monty Python's "Sesame Street Sketch". > as he >plunged the one hundred feet to the ground. Tom: [nods] Oh, that's what I'd say in that situation, too. > The body made a >great "SPLAT!" upon impact, Mike: He was filled with pudding! Crow: Looks like someone lost more than his lunch. [Laughs] > then was ran over by a Humvee >troop transport, an M1A1 Abrams tank, and a National Guard >unit singing Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk": > Mike: Because when you launch counter-terrorist operations, the first units in are the glee club! >"Why don't you ask him/If he's going to stay?/ Mike: Because then he might! Ew! > Why don't you >ask him If he's going away?/ Tom: Why don't you ask him/if he'd rather be a hammer than a nail? Crow: Why don't you hire/someone to follow him on his day off? > Why don't you tell me/What's >going on?/ Mike: Well that's a complicated question, Lindsay. You see... > Why don't you tell me/Who's on the phone?/ Tom: I dunno who it is, but they claim a Mister Gooyerin can save up to 55% over AT&T. > Why >don't you ask him/What's going on?/ Crow: Why don't you write out/the lyrics of a better song? > Why don't you ask him/ >The latest on his throne?/ Mike: o/~ Why don't you ask/better questions than that? o/~ > Don't say that you love me!/ Tom: And don't say "obsequious". You sound like a boob! > Just >say that you want me!/Don't say that you love me!/ Mike: Fleetwood Mac! Pursuing a loveless existence since 1969! > Just say >that you want me!/Tusk!/ Crow: Do you smell musk? > Tusk!/ Tom: Not to be brusque, but... > Tusk!" > Crow: I guess they mean "Tusk". >Jesse saw the whole thing and then said, "Trent, this >is bumming me out, man!" > Mike: Well, I ain't exactly holding a private party in my brain's left side either, guy. >Trent replied, "I know, man, but it had to be done." > >Jesse added, "My Uncle Phil went the same way." > Crow: [Jesse] He went to the top of the bell tower like an idiot, wrestled with some misery chick, got a knife in his chest, got kicked in the nads by a short-skirted superheroine, fell to the bottom of the ground, then was trampled on by the whole entire military singing 'Tusk'! Very common scenario! Tom: In some bizarre alternate universe, that's humor. >Daria could now see that the National Guard had >arrived. > Crow: Just in time to do absolutely nothing. Mike: They're being led by Space Chief. Tom: So the Guard was singing, but hiding under umbrellas? >"This is the National Guard! You are to surrender >immediately! You are completely surrounded!," a voice said >on a bullhorn. > Mike: [bullhorn] Except for that manhole that leads to an endless maze of sewers! Uh, wait- scratch that! >Daria went to Trent and said, "Thanks for saving my >life." > Tom: [Daria] 'Cuz, you know. Dying sucks and all. Mike: [dully] I have never felt, so alive. >"I'll never let anyone hurt you, Daria," Trent said as >he embraced her. They French kissed. > Mike: Yes, indeed! Please, suck face in front of us all! Tom: A tender, emotional moment? Naaah, let's go straight to the petting. Crow: French kiss - a delightful Hershey's chocolate candy, smothered in some sort of icky overcooked cream sauce. >Some National Guard soldiers clambered up the tower. >One of them asked, "Is everyone all right?" > Tom: And one of them said to Billy Pilgrim, "Po-te-weet?" >"Yes, everything's fine now," Jane said. She had this >satisfied smile on her face as she saw her brother and Daria >continue to kiss. Mike: Not just *any* satisfied smile. *This* one. Tom: [Jane, laughing evilly] Yes, my puppets. Dance! Dance away! Bwahahaha! > She wasn't going to forget this moment >anytime soon. Crow: The visage of the sickening kiss flitted like a moth in her dreams, mocking all that she held dear. >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: But enough of the old pain - here's some fresh, brand-new pain for us to enjoy! >It was just a nondescript log cabin in Basin, Montana, Mike: We may find ourselves reading about a shotgun shack. >but it served as the headquarters for the Montana Militia. Mike: Dedicated to the proposition that Montana is for kooks only! Crow: I hear the Miami Militia's got this kickin' duplex right on the beach. Tom: Tejano music blarin' out the windows all night long. >Here, Bill Giroux lived [All snicker.] Mike: Tony the Tiger named this character. Crow: [Tony the Tiger] Girrrrrrrroux! > and waged his ongoing war against >big government and the so-called "welfare-cheating minority >lackeys" that gave their backing to it. Tom: Well, it seems that the gap between left-wing and right-wing had grown to the point of militia uprisings. Crow: I blame Palm Beach. > Bill was oiling his >AK-47 All: Ewwwww! Mike: Who *calls* it that? Crow: This is not what they mean by "repeating action"! Tom: How ironic. He's cleaning his gun, yet he *wants* it to discharge. > when someone knocked on his door. Bill coolly loaded >the rifle and approached the door. Mike: [Bill] Heh-heh! In just two days- Watchtower jerky! > He took a peek through >the peephole. Tom: [Bill] Oh, it's just a nude woman. [double take] A NUDE WOMAN?! > He breathed a sigh or relief and opened the >door. Tom: [Bill] At last, the pizza's here! > Apparently, it was a friend. > Crow: He could tell because he saw another loaded rifle barrel through the peephole. >"Greetings," Bill said. "What's up?" > Mike: It's the direction the sky is in- but that's not important right now. >"I've got bad news for you, Bill," said the man, whose >name was Fred. [Mike waves.] All: Hi Fred! > "Your Uncle Anthony was killed." > >"WHAT?", Bill roared. > Crow: [Fred] I said your nun culled antimony from kilns! What, your ears need cleaning? >Fred continued: > >"He finally pulled his attempt to take over Lawndale, Tom: [Fred] Their plan? Go in there and shoot the other guys! >but someone named Daria Morgendorffer and her friends Sailor >Moon and Sailor Mercury liberated the town. Crow: [Fred] I know how silly that sounds, but trust me. > They chased >your uncle up a church steeple, Tom: Oh, a steeplechase. > where he put up a valiant >fight. Crow: Then a girl kicked him and he cried like a baby, fell to the ground and *SPLAT!*ED like pudding. > However, they killed him in the end." > Crow: [Bill] They gave him hemorrhoids?!? Tom: [Fred] He wanted you to have this. It's the bill for his funeral. >"I will have my revenge!", Bill roared in a savage >voice. Mike: Whoa, Billy boy! Take a dramatic pause before swearing vengeance next time! Crow: Yeah, otherwise, it looks impulsive. Tom: The heroes won't take you seriously. > "That bitch Daria Morgendorffer will pay for this-- >with her life!" Tom: [Fred] But what about the Sailor- Crow: [Bill] Look, I'm building to it, OK? Let me kill the mortal. Then I'll work on the super-powered fire-spewing Japanimaniacs. >------------------------------------------------------------ >At the White House, President Al Gore* Mike: Or Bush. Whichever. Whatever. Tom: I guess the asterisk may be warranted in this case. > and several >other dignitaries were gathered at the Rose Garden for a >special ceremony. Crow: The ritual dunking of George W. in the duck pond? Tom: No! It's Joe "The Body" Lieberman vs. Stone Cold Dick Cheney in a steel cage match to the death, winner's party takes the White House! > The Morgendorffer family was all present >for the occasion. Mike: There was Helen, and Jake and Quinn and Aunt Amy and cousin Lurman and cousin Phil and Daria's long lost twin sister and the Great Gazoo and... Crow: Mike? We get enough of that from Pete. > Jake, Helen and Quinn were in formal >wear, Tom: And Helen's furious - Jake's wearing the same color gown she is. > but Daria insisted on wearing her usual outfit of >brown T-shirt, green field jacket, black knee-high pleated >skirt and those black Doc Martins boots. Tom: Every step she took, they went "GADOINGO!" and "SHLUMPF!" Crow: It's "Doc" Martins, Tommy, not "Don" Martins. Tom: Oh, yeah. That was just an old invention exchange, wasn't it? > She clashed with >the more formally dressed crowd that had been gathered. > Mike: Riot Police were called out to quiet the clashes, but the fighting raged on into the night. Tom: You know, if she gives Joan or Melissa Rivers a heart attack, it'll all be worth it. >*President Clinton had resigned and went to a Trappist >monastery at the end of "The Prepaid Phone Card Call of >Tommy Sherman."--Monsignor Peter. > [All guffaw] Crow: And he immediately began a fund-raising campaign to add a heated Jacuzzi. Mike: I guess we can officially classify this as "science fiction". Tom: OK, what's more outrageous- Clinton forsaking his Baptist faith to become Monk Willie, or Guerin folding his voluminous appendix into the text? >"Ladies and Gentlemen," President Gore began, Crow: [Gore] If any of you see that Texas-fried moron trying to sneak in again, just let the Secret Service know. And remember, that $50,000 bounty on Ralph Nader still stands! > "we are >gathered here to bestow the highest award this nation can >bestow-- Mike: [Gore] A big, fat, sloppy, Tipper-lovin' kiss from me - the Prez! > the Congressional Medal of Honor Tom: [Gore] And before the jokes start, no, I didn't invent it, OK?! > --to Daria >Morgendorffer for her bravery and courage in fighting the >Lawndale Militia several months ago. Tom: [Gore] I'll be sending her down to Miami-Dade later today to help straighten out a few canvassing board members. Mike: And here to present that medal is TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"! > Ms. Morgendorffer is >proof that this generation does care what happens in this >nation and that they are concerned for the welfare and the >future of this great country. Crow: Meanwhile, Daria's got her MP3 headphones on, digging on some BNL, and stewing over missing "Sick Sad World" just to meet the national tree. > I now ask Ms. Morgendorffer >to please approach the podium." > Tom: [Gore] Or I'll make everyone listen to one of my poems. I'll do it too! >Daria stood up and walked to the podium. Mike: Obedient little non-conformist hell-raiser, isn't she? > President >Gore then slipped the Medal of Honor over her neck. > Tom: Turned out it was just a Tupperware bowl full of chads. Mike: And while Gore's distracted, Dubya sneaks in and short-sheets the Lincoln bedroom. >"Congratulations, Ms. Morgendorffer," the President >said. > Mike: Apparently, Gore gets to be President Sunday thru Tuesday, Bush gets to be President Thursday thru Saturday, and Daria takes up the slack on Wednesdays. Crow: A sane, sensible arrangement - I like it! >"Thank you, Mr. President," Daria replied. She now >began to read from a prepared speech: > Tom: [Daria] *ahem* I'd like to thank the members of the academy for this award, along with my parents, God, and all the little people I crushed on the way up the ladder. Crow: She reads a teleprompter! o/~la la, LA-la la! o/~ >"Mr. President, distinguished guests, ladies and >gentlemen:" > Tom: Mr. Speaker, Chief Justice Rehnquist, Mayor Giuliani... Crow: Friends, Romans, Countrymen... Mike: Members of the Bayou Perdu Council of the Knights of Columbus... >"Our nation now stands at a crossroads in its history. Crow: And SHWI will be buzzing about it for years to come. Tom: Technically, isn't *every* moment a crossroads in history? Mike: Yeah, well they can't all be as momentous as choosing between the baked potato and the fries at Sizzler. >We face monumental crises that if left to fester will result >in calamity. Tom: [Daria] Apparently, someone named Chad has been causing tremendous difficulty in Florida or something. I dunno, I've been too busy hanging out with the Sailor Skanks to really pay much attention to the news. > There are issues of racism, poverty, equal >medical treatment and other issues that need to be >addressed. Tom: [Daria] I know what with that big Presidential election we just had you may have been too preoccupied to discuss them, but still! > I know that a lot of people are frustrated over >these issues. Crow: Frustrated enough so that they can't even read a ballot! Tom: [Daria] I don't know exactly WHO, but I know they must be somewhere in this audience. > However, taking arms and rebelling against >the government is not the answer. Crow: The militia was angry over a Patient's Bill of Rights?! Tom: [Daria] Taking rubber chickens and rebelling against the government, however, is a perfectly good answer. Mike: [Gore, nervous] Daria, sweetie? This isn't the speech you showed my secretary last night. Tom: [Daria] I did some last-minute editing. Mike: [Gore] Heh, that's nice- SECURITY! > We already fought one >deadly civil war over the powers of the government over one >hundred and thirty years ago. Tom: [Daria] Those people were called The Nazis. Um, I think. Crap, I was going to fact-check that! What happened? > If we have another one, it >will lead to the destruction of this nation. Crow: Sherman will rise from the grave and burn down Atlanta again! You don't want to see that, do you? WELL? DO YOU? > These right- >wing militias must be stopped at all costs. Tom: [Daria, continuing] Talking to you right-wingers out there. No matter what happens, I WILL FIND YOU! [Normal] Unless it causes us to miss "Survivor" in which case, hey, let 'em rule. Mike: The Gen X battleplan, folks. > These militias >are the real threat, not the politicians of whatever >ideological stripe here in Washington. Crow: Liars, adulterers, embezzlers and vote-stealing morons with their fingers on the nuclear button? Nothing! Isolated gun fanatics and doofuses? *There's* your real problem! Tom: So I take it that means that open season on government officials is closed? All: Awwww.... > I can only hope >that my plea does not fall on deaf ears. Tom: [Daria] Because you've got such a nice Capitol here. It would be a shame if it were suddenly hit with a Shabon Spray Freeze Ray. Mike: Marlee Matlin storms out in protest... > Thank you for your >attention." > All: [snoring sounds] Mike: We now return to Al Gore's speech. You may change the channel now. >There was some polite applause as Daria left the >podium. Crow: [guest] Now who was that again? Tom: [guest] I dunno, she used to have her own show on MTV or something - I think they yanked it to show more TRL or something. > Daria did not know then that her recent victory >over the Lawndale Militia will come back to haunt her. Crow: The militia's demanding a hand recount! Tom: Ah, she has nothing to worry about - Daria & Katherine Harris are *this close!* [Holds up fingers together] Mike: We'll be back with more plot points Daria doesn't know in a moment! But first, here's Dan Rather with a look ahead at what's on the CBS Evening News! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Ryokuto Academy, Tom: And Ryokuto Academy II: Their First Patrol! > like everywhere else in Tokyo, had >been severely damaged from the recent attack from the >Neo-Zero. Mike: Man, just think if the terrorists had got hold of a SECOND plane. Crow: Given Tokyo's record for being the most science- fiction-prone city in the universe, it makes me wonder, why do people live there? > Even Greenwood Dorm--the home to the school's >weirdoes and outcasts--was heavily damaged. Tom: Ironically, the Neo-Zero's experimental "Weirdoes and Outcasts Avoidance System" had got stuck in the 'off' position. > Shinobu Tezuka, >the Student Government President, had organized a repair >detail and everyone was working hard to get Greenwood back >to a livable condition. Mike: All right men, I want those freshmen hard at work on restoring those downed power lines! Tom: >BRRZT!< Mike: Crap. All right, those sophomores at work restoring- Crow: >BRRZT!< Mike: Damn! > Kazuya Hasukawa, the dorm >president, was putting some spackle Tom: Spacom? Crow: No, spackle. > over some bullet holes >in his dorm room Mike: The plane knocked on the dorm's front door, waited for an answer, flew into the hall, up the staircase, turned left, took a couple of shots, grabbed a brew and left. > when Shinobu entered. > Crow: [Kazuya] Damn planes! They broke into my room and smashed everything up! It's a good thing they didn't destroy my collection of Benjamin Sisko baseballs. >"Hasukawa, how are the repairs going?," Shinobu asked. > Tom: [holding up spackle] Never mind that, this vanilla frosting you gave me sucks rice! Mike: Well, that's why I use Hold 4Ever brand spackle! It's guaranteed to hold up even under the worst terrorist attacks! [A cash register KA-CHING! can be heard in the distance.] Crow: [coldly] Product placement, Mike? Tom: Have you no sense of shame? Mike: Hey, I have to pay those credit card bills that you two ring up somehow. >"At this rate, it'll take me forever to spackle every >last bullet hole I've been finding!," Kazuya complained. Tom: [Kazuya] It's like trying to put two pieces of wood together using ice cream! Mike: [Shinobu] How many have you spackled? Tom: [Kazuya, whining] None! Which proves my point! >"Why did that crazy bitch decide to shoot up Tokyo is way >beyond me!" > Mike: Well, it made for a very special episode of Dr. Laura. Crow: Aggression therapy. Your key to happiness! >Suddenly, a head popped up from the floor, Crow: They must be living on the former set of "Laugh-In". Mike: And you can look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls. > causing >Kazuya to jump and lose his grip on the trowel he was using. >The trowel fell to the floor and Kazuya yelled. > Tom: Looks like he threw in the trowel, heh-heh! Crow & Mike: D'OH!!! >"Will you stop doing that?," Kazuya screeched. > Crow: What a pleasant and mellifluous screech he has! Tom: I'm beginning to feel sorry for the weirdoes and outcasts. >It was none other than Misako, the ghost of a junior >high school girl who had been haunting Greenwood Dorm for >some time now. Tom: Slacker. Mike: Yeah, at least get your GED and be a high school graduate haunting the school. Crow: You've had years to go for it. > Misako giggled. > Crow: [dully] Tee-hee. >"Boy, do I love doing that to you, Ska!," Misako got >the nerve to say. > Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the least ambitious ghost in history. Tom: Slackers don't even amount to anything in the afterlife! >Shun Kisaragi, Kazuya's roommate, now entered. Shun >was wearing a new outfit he picked out: a lavender blouse >and denim shorts. > Tom: Oh, look, a type of broad stereo. >"Ska," Shun began to say in his girlish voice, "how >will we ever get our room fixed up if you just lollygag >around like you do?" > Crow: Lollygag? Does he go around sticking Tootsie Roll Pops in people's mouths? Tom: [Kazuya] Well, I *was* fixing a hole, but the rain got in, and got my mind to wandering! >Kazuya was ready to pick up the trowel and throw it at >Shun when Misako suddenly waived her hands around. Crow: Oh yeah, like a transparent being can block it! Tom: She gave up the rights to her hands? Boy, that's generous. >Suddenly, it seemed that a cyclone or a hurricane had hit >the room. Crow: [Tasmanian Devil] Taz fix! Taz fix! Mike: Hey, look! Margaret Hamilton on a bicycle! All: o/~ Neh-neh neh-neh, neh-neeeh, neh! Neh-neh neh-neh, neh-neeeh, neh! Neh-neh... > Within seconds, the room looked immaculate, with >no more bullet holes and every trace of damage repaired. > Tom: Yeah, most trailer parks look better after the hurricane hits. >Kazuya shot a hostile glance at Misako and stated, "If >I want your help, Misako, I'll ask for it!" > Mike: [Kazuya] How dare you save me hours of tedious labor? Tom: It's Darren "Kazuya" Stevens! >"Boy, what an ingrate!," Misako said, then began to >sniffle. > Tom: [Misako] Grape, now I'b hab a colb. Were ib my Dristan? Crow: Uh-oh. Ghost phlegm! Mike: Yeah, a normal tissue is NOT gonna cut it. Get the two-ply! >"Oh, no!," Kazuya began to say, "me and my big mouth!" Crow: You, your lack of social skills, your ragged- fingernails-on-chalkboard voice, your ball bearing of a brain, and your big mouth. >Unless he calmed her down, Misako's fit would cause more >damage to the building. > Tom: She might even fix the plumbing system! They certainly don't want that! >"Misako, wait!," Mike: [Kazuya] You forgot your lunch! Oh wait, you can't eat. You're dead. > Kazuya began; "I didn't mean it that >way! I wanted to say thanks! Really!" > >Misako thought that Kazuya was being sincere Crow: No one said she was a *smart* ghost. > and began >to calm down. Tom: See? Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made. > Everyone breathed a sigh or relief. > Mike: One or the other. Either or. >"Come on, Misako," Shinobu told her, "you can help fix >up the hallway." Tom: It's the Misako Hoover! Crow: [Shinobu] And you can fix the skylight! Mike: [Misako] You had a skylight? Crow: [Shinobu] Well not as such, but... > She went with him out of the room. Mike: But Shinobu forgot that he was not a ghost and that he didn't open the door. > Kazuya >and Shun just stared at each other. Tom: [Shun] MUST you flirt with EVERY spectre that wiggles its butt through the floor?! > Finally, Kazuya rolled >his eyes while Shun giggled. Crow: [Shun] Tee-hee! We could've been hurt! It's funny! Mike: [Kazuya] HA! Life at the mercy of the dead IS fun! Crow: [Shun] Don't forget, we got that funeral for the guy whose shoulder she bit through at four! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Gunsmith Cats was just a typical gun shop in Chicago. Mike: Meaning it's a front for organized crime. Tom: Tony Soprano makes a cool mil off this store alone! >Proprietors Rally Vincent and Minnie-May Hopkins made a good >living at it, though admittedly their sideline of being >bounty hunters didn't hurt either. Crow: Selling and using weapons... yep, that's the life out there in Chicago. Tom: [Henry Fonda] Wherever there's a paper towel beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. > Rally had set up the >shop after her old partner Bean Bandit had fled to Mexico >after the Grimwood kidnapping incident. Mike: Not to mention that Mr. Tostitos was after him. > Rally was polishing >up her CZ-75 9 mm semiautomatic Tom: [Rally, slyly] I'll stroke this shaft for as long as it takes! Mike: OK, guys, the gun as phallic symbol stuff stops now and here. Tom: But- Mike: No exceptions. Bots: [pouting] Ooh! > when the thought of Bean >crossed her mind. Crow: [Rally] Man, that scene where he got the turkey stuck on his head was *hilarious*! > May (as Minnie-May liked to be called) Tom: [Shatner] Too... many... "Spy Who Shagged Me"... jokes... >approached Rally. > >"What's on your mind, Rally?," May finally said. > Crow: [Rally] Oh, I was just thinking about dressing up in Tudor garb and kissing oranges. You know, the usual stuff. >Rally gave a sigh and said, "Oh, I was just thinking >about Bean. God, I haven't seen him in years! Tom: I guess the movie hasn't been shown in Chicago. Mike: So, five... > I can't >blame him if he never sets foot here again! Crow: [Rally] Although I plan to anyway. Mike: Four... > Inspector >Percy said he was going to nail his ass to the wall for >what happened during the Grimwood incident." > Tom: Whatever wall that is, I don't want it in my house! Mike: Three... >"Oh, maybe he'll come back someday," May said. "From >what you told me about him, he's one cute hunk!" > Tom: [May] He may be crazy enough to come back and get caught! Mike: Two... >"Bean and I did have a thing for each other, didn't >we?," Rally confessed. Crow: Yes - a sick, twisted, dangerous thing. Mike: One... > "It's all old news to me now, I'm >afraid." > >Just then, a car pulled up. Mike: Right on time. Crow: [Rally] That must be the plot twist we ordered! Let's go see! > Rally took a double take >when she saw what it was. > Tom: Chef Won Can Cook? Mike: He's here to kick ass and stir fry an eel. And he's all out of eels. >"No, it couldn't be. . .," she began to say when the >car door opened. Crow: [Rally] A CAR? Pulling up to a gun shop? Near the FRONT entrance, too? ... Newbie. > A tall, muscular guy and a woman stepped >out of the car. Mike: I see Tony Little's bringing an escort with him to a gun shop. > No doubt about it now. It was definitely >Buff the Roadbuster, and the guy behind the wheel--Bean Tom: With a woman? Are we talking about the same Bean? >Bandit. But who was the woman with him? Crow: [Announcer] Tune in next time for "My Trip to Mexico", or "Lady in Chicago"! > Bean and the woman >now stepped inside. > Mike: G-yah! He teleported from the driver's seat! He's a fakir! >"Bean Bandit, I can't believe it's you!," Rally finally >had the courage to say. > Tom: Yeah, I can see where it'd take a lot of courage, what with the word-forming and person-greeting and non-believing and all. Crow: She's scared of complex sentences. Sad, really. Mike: No, Rally. Crow: Whatever. >"Here in the flesh, Rally!," Bean answered. > Mike: Flesh Rally! A celebration of the meat in all of us! Tom: Brought to you by the Beef Council. >"You'd better high-tail it out of here before Inspector >Percy finds you here!," Rally said. > Crow: [Rally] Constable Baldric's on his way to notify Secretary Blackadder as we speak! >"Relax," Bean said, "it's all fixed. Mike: See, this ghost made a hurricane fly through and... > George Grimwood >talked to Percy a while back, and he's agreed to drop all >the charges if I accept a plea bargain for some minor >traffic violations and pay some fines. Mike: Quite a change from nailing his ass to the wall. Crow: Apparently, just his back pocket will do. > Anyway, you remember >George's daughter Chelsea, don't you?" > Mike: Chelsea W. Bush? Bots: Mike! >Rally was surprised to find out that she was now a >grown woman. > Crow: [Rally] Ah! How did this happen? I was only 12 a few minutes ago! >"I owe you and Bean here for my life," Chelsea said. >"I'm going to Harvard Business School now. Tom: [Chelsea] Why, if you hadn't "accidentally" shot everyone on the waiting list ahead of me, I'd be stuck at Brown now! > Daddy helped >clear Bean's name and got him back in the courier business. Mike: Rowan's now gonna dedicate a series of episodes of his exploits as a UPS mailman! >I'm even his new partner now. Isn't that great?" > Crow: [Rally, dully] Oh, yes, wonderful. Oh, jeez, would you look at the bored. TIME! Time. Tom: Why do couriers need partners? Do they team up whenever they have to deal with rabid dogs? >Rally had to be envious at that moment, but she didn't >show it. Crow: o/~ If you're envy and you know it, and you really don't wanna show it, if you're envy and you know it, bite your lip! o/~ > Becky Farra, the shop's accountant, now stepped >in. > >"Say, Bean, Chelsea, All: Bean, Chelsea. > I want you to meet a couple of >people. Mike: Like Bert Convy and Annette Funicello! > The blonde is my partner in the business, Minnie- >May Hopkins. Mike: [Rally] She keeps putting her pinky near her lip, I don't know why. > The brunette is my accountant, Becky Farra. Tom: [snickering] Isn't Becky speaking? Mike: She's got sports icon disease. Crow: "Only Keyshawn Johnson knows what's best for Keyshawn Johnson." >May, Becky, this is Bean Bandit, my old partner, and the >woman who's with him is Chelsea Grimwood, who we rescued >from Semmerling back in 1989." > Crow: Once again, the unnecessary backstory arrives to save the day. Mike: Remember kids, no character exists until a second character introduces them to a third! >Everyone exchanged "Hello's" and "Nice to meet you's". > Tom: While the audience exchanged the torches and pitchforks they would use to storm the author's place of residence. >"Anyway, there's another reason why I'm here," Bean now >said. Mike: [Bean] I need guns, lots and lots of guns! > "I've been hearing rumors that someone's been >funneling Chinese weapons here for delivery to someplace >out in the Southwest. Crow: Oh, that's just the DNC. > Rumor has it that there's going to >be a deal going down at the waterfront. Crow: Okay, let me get this straight... there's Chinese weapons going to the southWEST, and Chicago's in the EAST, and China's close to the WEST coast... Mike: It's just some smugglers, Crow. Tom: Geographically challenged ones, apparently. > You ladies care to >join me and find out what's going on?" > Mike: They may as well. It's not like *we're* ever gonna have a clue. >"It'll be like old times, won't it?," Rally said. > Mike: Except it'll be really forced and contrived. >"Except now you've got black hair," Bean pointed out. > >Rally got a good laugh, loaded up her gun and said to >May and Becky, "Let's roll out!" > Tom: [Bean] Better yet, let's all go in my car! Crow: [Rally] Oh, Bean, you always know just what to say. Mike: [Becky] Um, but, Ms. Rally? Shouldn't we first devise a plan of some sort? Crow: [Rally] "Let's", "roll", "out". What part of that plan didn't you understand, kid? >May got to a footlocker she kept beneath the counter Mike: Oh look. Tiny sneaker salesmen in referee's uniforms. >and loaded up on hand grenades. Tom: [May] Hmm, let's see... HOLD IT! Alright, who pulled some of these pins? > She felt she was going to >need them big time. Tom: o/~ My head's getting bigger! o/~ Mike: o/~ Big time! o/~ Tom: o/~ And my bank account! o/~ >------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: Hey! Look! The first chapter is beginning! Mike: This'll be another long one, alright. Tom: Let's take five while we still can. [The trio stands and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The doors open on the bridge, currently empty, except for Mike, who is dressed in military fatigues.] Mike: Grrr! Time and time again, that Daria Morgandorker has foiled my plans! Well, I guess she's only foiled our plans once. And, well, they weren't really my plans, they were my brother's, but I do swear upon the death of my brother I do swear that I will avenge my brother's death, this which... [Mike's soliloquy is interrupted by the ringing of a phone. As Mike looks around, Cambot pans back to reveal a black old-style rotary phone on the counter. Mike shrugs and picks up the phone.] Mike: Um, hello? [Mike straightens up.] Oh, hello Mr. Vice-President. Well, of course we remember you. You sponsored our "Academy of Robot's Choice Awards" special. And, well, you were Vice- President for the last eight years. [pause] Well, yes. We did mention you a bit earlier. You see, Mr. Guerin wrote you into... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I can see how you might find jokes about you and the Presidency to be a bit unfunny right now. [Tom, dressed in a Sailor fuku, and Crow, dressed as Daria, enter.] Tom: Hey Mike? Are we going to do this sketch or not? [Mike covers the mouthpiece and turns to the bots.] Mike: I'm sorry, guys. The National Tree is on the phone. [uncovering the mouthpiece] What was that, sir? No, I wasn't aware we were still broadcasting. Yes, yes. Well, no sir, none of us actually voted for you. Because I'm stuck up on a satellite in earth orbit. We're not exactly in an election district. [pause] No, absentee ballots aren't really an option. I don't really get mail up here. Yes, we used to occasionally read letters for the show. Uh, no, I don't know how we get them if we don't get mail service! See, mail isn't really my bag. [pause] No, that was the other guy. [pause] The somnambulist with the big forehead, right. He did the mail. I could never work the "still store". [pause] Yes, we're very grateful you took the initiative in creating that, sir. Crow: Mike? Tom and I are going to change out of these costumes. Mike: [covering mouthpiece] Yeah, you do that. [uncovering] Huh? No, they didn't vote for you either. [laughing] Well, because they're robots! [pause] What do you mean that didn't stop you? [The lights begin to wildly flash. The bots rush in and begin to scamper about.] Mike: Mr. Vice President, we've got to go. WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN! [pause] Well, I didn't know that one of your campaign promises was to end Guerin sign. Look, we'll have to talk about this later, okay? [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All enter] Crow: So how's he holding up? Mike: Not too bad - says he plans to party *every* week with Jon Bon Jovi & Tyra Banks. >Chapter 1: End Zone Huddle [All huddle up] Mike: Okay, here's the plan. Crow, you go long and cut left. Crow: Check. Mike: I'll fake a hand-off to you and long-bomb Crow. Tom: Gotcha. Mike: Magic Voice, cover Daria & Rally. Magic Voice: Roger. Mike: Okay, let's go. [They break huddle and return to their seats] >------------------------------------------------------------ >At a warehouse on the shoreline with Lake Michigan, >something sinister was about to go down. Tom: Oh, it's a casting call for "Temptation Island 2". > Several gentlemen >wearing dark blue business suite Mike: IBM's ominous response to "Office 2000". > and dark sunglasses were >conducting business with some other gentlemen in combat >fatigues. Crow: Polymer must be trying to convince Ted Nugent to release another CD. > One of the gentlemen, Agent F, was talking to >one of the fatigue-wearing thugs: > Crow: Greetings, fatigue-wearing thug. How are you today? Tom: I'm fine, thank you for asking, Agent F. Mike: Agent F, if you could take two steps away from Agent U, please? >"I can assure you that my employer only chooses the >best weapons from the Beijing Administration. Tom: That's like smuggling Ladas because they're the best cars in Cuba. > Further, >she is one of the most feared yakuza bosses in Japan, so >she gets what she wants." > Crow: Didn't we see something earlier about a woman owning a yakuza? Tom: I don't know, I thought I saw 'bazooka'. >He paused to grab a black briefcase and open it up. Mike: A bright light emanated from inside the briefcase. Minutes later, Vincent and Jules showed up to ask Agent F about Bible Verses. > He >continued: > Tom: [Agent F] Now of course your briefcase will have guns in it, but can I interest you in these novelty undergarments? Sure to break the ice at parties! >"Now this little number is the People's Republic's >equivalent to Russia's Sagger missile system." Crow: It's 40,000 people throwing rocks at the attacking plane. > He held >the bazooka up to show the potential buyers. Mike: [military] Hey, the trigger's been filed off! Crow: [Agent F] Yes! Eliminating the need for a safety, reducing your costs even more! > He continued, >"This baby can blow up any Federal government law >enforcement vehicle, even those mini-tanks they use for riot >control." > Crow: And, on a good day, it might even scratch the paint on an Expedition. >"How much is your employer asking for?," said the >leader of the fatigue-wearing group. > Mike: Is that anything like "the commander", perhaps? Tom: Perish the thought. >Agent F answered, "The boss is asking for ¥1.2 billion >for the whole shipment, payable in our currency, of course. Mike: And since they're Italian, that translates to 83.9 septillion Lira. Tom: That's, what, about $12.50 in real money? >Sad to say, even with the economic troubles back in Japan, >our yen is still better than your 'greenbacks'". > Crow: Whoops! Our mistake. We meant to say it's better than your 'green stamps'. >"That's about $12 million!," the leader of the fatigue- >wearing group shot back. "It'll take some time to raise >that kind of money!" Mike: Unless you're Bill Gates, in which case it's 4.3 seconds of work. > >"Not to worry," Agent F replied, Tom: [Agent F] I'll just buy your company! Ha-ha-ha-ha! > "my boss is a very >patient woman. Crow: [Agent F] Oops, my cell phone. Hello? Oh, hi boss. [irritated] Look, I'm doing it now! He's right here! > She'll take a down payment now and you can >pay the rest back in ten monthly installments. Tom: My, the gun-toting terrorists are certainly laid back. Crow: Well, they get that 23.9% interest every month, so they really don't want you to pay them back. > We will stop >by and collect on the first of each month. Mike: Or if you prefer, you can give us your houses right now and save time later! Crow: I feel like I'm reading "Glenngarry, Glennterrorist". > Where is your >base of operations again?" > Tom & Mike: [on top of each other, nervous] Saskatchewan! /Burbank! [Tom and Mike look at each other and gulp.] Tom & Mike: [on top of each other, nervous] Uh, Burbank!/Saskatchewan! >"We operate out of the Lawndale Gun Club," the fatigue- >wearing group leader said. > All: D'OH! Mike: Looks like the people in Pete's universe are still having problems grasping that whole "keeping a secret" concept. Tom: [Agent F] Oh, The Lawndale Gun Club! Well then of course you're good for $12 million. I'll dispense with our credit check immediately! >"I thought that was destroyed," Agent F asked. > Mike: [Agent F] And even though I'm from another nation, I'm up to date on your little city's urban renovations. >"Well, we rebuilt it," the fatigue-wearing group leader >said. > Crow: You get a fridge, you fill it with Red Dog, bang! You got your Lawndale Gun Club. >Suddenly, everyone could hear two engines revving up. Mike: [Agent F] Well, let's put this off. I gotta see the waterfront's drag car race! >It was getting closer and closer. Tom: Suddenly, we're reading a campfire story. Crow: It's Bigfoot driving a monster truck! > When it was real close, >everyone knew it was about to crash through the doors. Mike: Lookouts? Who needs'em! >Everyone ducked beneath crates and barrels just as two cars >came crashing through. Mike: Well, right about then, them Duke boys showed up, with Sheriff Coltrane right on their tail. > One was a 1971 Chevrolet Corvette, >the other was a Shelby Cobra GT. Tom: Wouldn't this be a good time to demonstrate that mini-tank destroying bazooka thingie? Crow: Ironically, Bean spent five minutes yesterday telling a parking attendant not to scratch the finish! HA! > Several people now bolted >out of the cars. Mike: [circus] o/~ Yup dup, da-da-da-da dup, dup, dup, DIE! o/~ > They were none other than Bean Bandit, >Chelsea Grimwood, Rally Vincent, Minnie-May Hopkins and >Becky Farra, known collectively as the Gunsmith Cats. > Crow: [Casey Kasem] And they slip a notch to Number Four, with their first single, "Happy-Time Gaping Flesh Wound #5"! >"We know you're in here, so give yourselves up!," Mike: [Thug] We're not here! Tom: [Rally] Shoot! Wrong place, guys! Let's split. >Rally began to say as she whipped out her bounty hunter's >license. Mike: [Rally] Gotta make sure they know I'm allowed to kill them. Crow: [Rally] I'm the pretty princess Sailor Excessive Force, champion of whatever part of your body I feel like beatin' the crap out of! > "We're duly licensed bounty hunters. Tom: [crooks] Hey! That's a Quizno's sub card! > We're >placing all of you under citizen's arrest. Crow: [Jim Nabors] Citizen's A-rest! Citizen's A-rest! Mike: [crooks] Uh, thanks, but we just gave ourselves a citizen's trial, and dropped the charges? So, you can go now! > We've already >alerted the Chicago Police Department, the FBI and the ATF. Mike: Bounty Hunters? We don't need their scum! Tom: I guess the National Guard must be off at glee club practice. >They're going to be here shortly. Crow: Right now, they're all chasing Jake and Elwood. But they'll be here soon! We swear! > So drop your weapons, >come out and hold your hands up!" > Mike: Gee. Usually they just hold a vote and then extinguish their torch. >All Rally got for her trouble was a barrage of gunfire >aimed at her. Crow: Aww, they shouldn't have! > She ducked out of the way. > Tom: Wow, that makes her smarter than all the Sailor Senshi put together! Crow: Maybe next she'll SHOOT! >"May, let 'em have it!," Rally barked. > Crow: [Rally] Or may not let 'em have it! It all depends on my mood! Mike: [confused] Gunsmith Cats are barking? What? Tom: It's anthropomorphism gone horribly wrong. >May calmly got up, grabbed a few hand grenades from her >jacket and threw them at the nearby crates where the gunfire >came from. Crow: Yes, good! Throw the grenades at the crates we suspect have explosives in them! Mike: May is clearly the Groo of this little team. > Suddenly, several people scrambled out of the >way just as the grenades went off, sending them to the >floor. Tom: Ah, these must the new "close combat" grenades whose flying hot shrapnel can be safely disregarded. > The others promptly dropped their guns and gave up, Crow: [crooks] Oh, your magic noise egg scares us! Let us bow to the ground in supplication! >while Rally and the others had their guns trained on them. >May stood by with some more grenades just in case. > [All snicker.] Mike: [nervous] May, honey, you do understand the blast radius is measured in feet, not inches, right? Please stop fingering the pin, sweetie. Sweetie? >Bean now got to one of the crates and opened it. Tom: Hey! It's the Ark of the Cove...ACK! >Inside were some AK-47s, some more Saggers and various >other weapons. > Crow: Swords, ironclads, paddle balls, dry spaghetti, you know. Weapons. >Just then, several CPD, FBI and ATF vehicles pulled up. Crow: They were driving GTO's, SUV's and BMW's. Tom: [authorities] Sorry we're late again, guys, but we saw a speeder pass by, and, well, John Bunnell was watching... >Special Agent Bill Collins, who was now the Agent-in-Charge >for the ATF's Chicago field office, Mike: Wow! Just for winning an Oscar? Crow: Trey and Matt better watch out. > stepped in. > >"Just in time, Collins," Rally said. > Mike: No, BILL Collins! Justin's his twin brother. >"You'd think I'd miss out on all the fun here, >Pussycat?," was Collins' reply. > Tom: o/~ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh! o/~ >Rally snarled at that; she hated it when Collins >called her "Pussycat". > Tom: [spluttering] Then why call yourself "Gunsmith Cats"?! Crow: Jeez, this one's like a waitress at "Hooters" whining she's treated like a sex object. >"Will you stop calling me that, for Christ's sakes!," >Rally shot back. > Mike: That's it, drag Him into it, too. >"Pussycat?," Bean asked her. > Tom: Yeah, you know - neat, sweet, a groovy song? >"It's a long story," was Rally's reply. > Crow: And that pretty much guarantees we'll be treated to it at some point. >"Anyway," Collins continued, "this is the break we've >been looking for. Crow: [Collins] Well, *I* don't need it, 'cause *I* am already famous! Mike: For months we've wanted this building condemned, and now you guys crash your cars through it! Thanks! > We've been investigating these kooks for >months." > Mike: [Collins] We got a bit diverted by that Alex Chiu guy, but I think we're back on track now. >"Tell us what you know," Bean asked. > Crow: Oh, so at least this part'll be short. >"Who's he?," Collins asked. > >"That's Bean Bandit; Tom: [Rally] He's like Hamburgler, only smellier. > I was his partner in his old >courier business," Rally replied. > Crow: Everything is everyone's business, here in Guerin's Corners! >"Hey," Collins asked, "weren't you and Rally mixed up >in that Grimwood affair?" > Mike: [Collins] Oh yeah. I really hated to take him down. He was great on SCTV, I must say. >"May I point out," Bean began to say, "that Ms. >Grimwood is now working for me." > Crow: [Bean] Oh, also, Ms. Grimwood was raised by wolves and speaks a language only I understand? So- don't talk to her. >"OK, OK," Collins shot back; Tom: They like to shoot their answers, don't they? > "you don't have to get >testy. Mike: [Collins] And by "you" I mean that freaky chick who keeps tugging at that hand grenade. > Anyway, from what we know, some yakuza from Japan >have been smuggling weapons from Red China over here to >equip one of those right-wing militia groups. Crow: Not the Brookings Institute! Tom: [Collins] No, we suspect they're just a front for the Heritage Foundation by way of the Daughters of the American Revolution. > If we know >where these are going, we can send some of our guys there-- >in disguise, of course-- Crow: [Collins] Because we bought a whole bunch of ren faire costumes, and dammit, we're gonna use 'em! > and bust this wide open." > Mike: Just like they did here! Tom: Ah, good plan, because your bust here went so STEALTHILY that I'm SURE no one will hear about it!! Jeez! >"And where do we figure in on this?," Rally asked; >she knew there had to be a catch. > >"Well, we could use some extra firepower," Collins >asked. > Mike: See if Puff Daddy is available. Tom: ... okay, so they need extra firepower? Um, Collins? I know I'll sound crazy after this, but I must point out that you have the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AT YOUR DISPOSAL! AND THROUGH THEM YOU GOT THE LARGEST MILITARY POWER IN THE WORLD! AND YOU WANT BOUNTY HUNTERS? WHAT PART OF THIS ESCAPES YOU? [pants] Crow: Calm down, Tom. Collins probably just got confused by the Pentagon voice mail tree. >"Well, you can't threaten us with anything if we choose >not to co-operate," Rally said; "we've got our license >back." > Mike: See, this is where I think the owner of the gun shop might talk a little nicer to the ATF agent. >"True," Collins said, "but you do owe me one for when >I saved you from that bitch Radinov.* Mike: Uh oh, the dreaded asterisk sign! Crow: More backstory... more pain... Tom: No, that's *Rachmaninov*! Bitch Radinov plays bass for L7! > All I ask is that you >don't tell the press about this; it'll compromise our >mission." > Crow: I kinda like the way Pete's trying to enact a retroactive subtlety to this operation. Tom: Yup! Almost makes you forget the automotive battering rams and three federal enforcement agencies walking around! >*Former KGB assassin Natasha Radinov figured >prominently in the "Gunsmith Cats" anime. Mike: She was engaged in a running gun battle with Moose and Squirrel. > Collins saved >Rally's life when he gunned Radinov down after she bolted >out of an ambulance, wielding an ax, and running like a mad >person toward Rally. Crow: Oh, like that's a reason to shoot her. Tom: She might have had a good reason for it! Maybe she was just saw "Bringing Out the Dead" and was going to axe Frank Pierce. > --Comrade Peter. > Crow: [Russian accent] Ah, comrade Peter! Good 'verk! >"Is that all?," Rally demanded. > Crow: [Pete] Yeah, sorry to interrupt. Carry on! >"Plain and simple," Collins said. "And you'll have my >eternal gratitude." > Mike: [Rally] Yeah yeah, great, what about some moolah instead? >"OK," Rally sighed, "we'll join you on this." > Tom: For bounty hunters, they seem to be awfully giving. >"Knew I could count on you, Pussycat!," Collins said in >reply. Crow: You and your pussycat sense of obligation. > He then ordered the agents to take the suspects into >custody while Rally gritted her teeth at being called >"Pussycat" again. > Tom: [Rally] Kiss me and my pussycat ass. >Bean went up to her and said, "Rally, you didn't. . ." > Mike: Agree to work for free? 'Fraid she did, Beano. >"No, I did NOT!," Rally shot back, too quickly. Tom: There they go, shooting back again. Crow: [Bean] But you just agreed to make us work for NOTHING! I feel exploited! >"You're the only one I've ever slept with." > Tom: Heh. That's not what they say over on www.rallyisasexfiend.com. Mike: She puts it so romantically, you can tell how much it means to her! >May shot back, Mike: Keep your heads low, guys. They've been shooting too much for comfort! > "So, you and Bean were in love!" > Crow: American Style! >"Put a sock in it, May!," roared Rally. Tom: [Rally] And while you're at it, just shut up! Crow: So, should I ask what any of this has to do with an "End Zone Huddle"? Mike: Only if you want to hear the answer. Crow: That's what I figured. >------------------------------------------------------------ >The Morgendorffer residence at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane was >well-appointed, All: STILL! > with a brick façade and a big upstairs >window. Crow: And it's a steal for only $200,000! Call your local realtor today! > Daria, along with her friend Jane Lane, were just >returning from school when Daria stopped to take the mail >in. > Tom: [Daria] Ah, I love the smell of postage in the afternoon! >"It looks like a bunch of bills again," Daria said as >she thumbed through the mail. > Crow: [Daria] But I don't pay 'em, so it's cool. Tom: She gathers her parents' liabilities! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: Gathering her parents' liabilities is actually the most Daria thing Pete's ever shown her do. >"Well, it keeps the mailman employed," Jane shot back. > Crow: Disgruntled, but employed. Tom: Ah, they're shooting again! >Suddenly, Daria stopped at one letter. Mike: [Daria] I can't see a "P" without thinking of a mouth with its tongue sticking out. Is that normal? > It was >addressed to her. The writing on the letter was rather >crude. > Tom: It's a Pat Buchanan fund-raising letter. >"What the Hell Tom: (TM) of course. > is this, I wonder?," Daria said. Mike: [Daria] I've never seen one of these before! Might this be the fabled "snail mail"? > She >and Jane now stepped inside. Daria put the other letters >on the living room table, then sat down on the couch. Crow: Living rooms, couches, and many of the other things that make life fun are made possible by the folks at Archer Daniels Midland! > Jane >sat next to her. Daria opened the letter. Mike: Each action was carefully and individually recorded. Tom: INTENSE! POSTAGE! ACTION! > Suddenly, there >was a loud "BANG!" that knocked Daria off the couch, Crow: Whoap! Shouldn't have put the couch so near the book depository! >sending her eyeglasses flying off and landing in a corner. Mike: Shouldn't they fly off in slow motion to a pulsing dramatic tone? Tom: And shatter when they land? >Jane ran up to her. > >"Daria, are you all right?," Jane yelled. > Tom: [Jane] My God, Daria! Without your glasses- you look just like Supergirl! No wonder you always show up one minute after she flies away! Mike: [Daria] Blast! Now I'll have to kiss her to make her forget, *again*. >Daria slowly got up. Other than being a bit singed >around her face, she was OK. Mike: Plus her beak was on backwards. Tom: [Daria] You're dethpicable. > She went to where her glasses >fell and picked them up; Crow: Proving her vision was fine and this whole "class brain" thing was just a ploy for attention! > luckily they were not the worse for >wear. > Crow: A little dirty and broken, but nothing some crazy glue and a belt sander couldn't fix! >Jane then picked up what was left of the letter. [All snicker.] Tom: Good thing Mead added asbestos to their paper recipe. >"There's a note here," she said. > Mike: [Jane] Oh wait, it's the Hallmark logo. It seems that people can get death threat cards now. >"What does it say?," Daria wanted to know. > Crow: "Dear Mr. Kotter. Juan injured himself while building this bomb so please excuse him from class. Signed, Epstein's Mother." >Jane began to read the letter; it was written in the >same crude handwriting as the envelope. Mike: It was in Wingdings font. Tom: [Jane] Box, dark box, envelope, mailbox... > It ran thus: > Crow: Gasp! It's a letter from Shakespeare! >"Next time, we'll use real explosives and blow you up >to bits, Tom: I suppose that if we really hated you, we probably should have killed you in the initial attempt, but what the heck. It's nice and sunny out! > you welfare-cheating nigger lover! Tom: Woah! Mike: Maybe you guys shouldn't be here for this. Tom: *None* of us should be here for this, Nelson! Crow: I'm still confused how a rich white kid could be called a welfare cheat. > We know you >and your stupid Nip Sailor Senshi Crow: The Japanese Nipsy Russell! > friends stopped us last >time, but we can't be destroyed! Mike: Although they *can* be pushed out of towers and stomped to death. Tom: They'll always be alive, here in sunny 1958! > When we take over the >country, we'll get rid of welfare, affirmative action and >other civil rights laws Crow: 'Cause we're right-wing extremists, you know? > that benefit niggers and spics, Mike: We'll get Robert Conrad back on television! "Baa Baa Black Sheep: The Next Generation"! >then execute all the niggers, spics, chinks, nips, dagos, >liberals from New York City and Long Island, Mike: We'll leave the ones in Hollywood alive, as long as Robert Conrad says they can be useful. Crow: Because Robert Conrad knows how to get what it takes to do what you gotta do! Tom: I dare you to call him a has-been! Go ahead. I dare you! > faggots, >crippleds, retarts and other deviants and rule the nation in >the name of the white race. Crow: I'm not sure, but I think that this is a subtle hint that these aren't the good guys. > You're as good as dead, you >bitch! LAWNDALE MILITIA, ALL THE WAY!" > Tom: PS- Do you still want to go out Friday Night? >"I knew that somehow this was going to come back to >haunt me," Daria said in response. "I'm now a marked >person." > Mike: [Daria] And the only place to hide... is in plain sight. Crow: [Jane] Hey, if I find the one-armed guy, can I keep his prosthesis and use it as a backscratcher? >"We've got to let the police know about this!," Jane >said. > Crow: Or you could grab a gun and run a two-woman campaign against these weasels! Mike: I'd actually like to hear them explain the fake explosives to a desk sergeant. >"Hey, remember, our Keystone Cops here couldn't stop >them the first time around?," Daria shot back. > Tom: Well maybe the lack of a plane crash this time will improve their focus. Crow: Well then you should call in the Bowery Boys, or the Ritz Brothers. Or at the very least, Wheeler & Woolsey. Mike: Another shot. Hopefully, they'll run low on ammo soon. >"What will we do, then?," Jane said. > Crow: I'm still fond of the running gun battle against the bad guys idea, m'self. >"Let's see if Mom can file a big suit against them," >Daria replied. Tom: Against WHO? Mike: [Daria] That'll keep those right-wing terrorists from trying to get me! > "At least if they're tied up in court for >at least the next ten years, they can't do any more damage >to me or anyone else for that matter." > Crow: Obviously, Daria has never seen many law and order movies. Mike: Yes, those injunctions will keep them from sending you more letter bombs. Tom: That's what brought the Nazis down. Good old fashioned American Lawsuits! >Just as Daria finished that sentence, Tom: She was retried for racketeering and given an extra 5-10. > Helen, her >mother, came in. > Crow: I accuse her parents. Tom: Me too. >"Helllloooo!," Helen said in her syrupy voice. Mike: Her face was covered in pancake powder, her sausage-like fingers running through her coffee-colored hair as her egg-shaped eyes widened and the bacony corners of - Tom: Mike? Mike! Mike: Huh? Oh, sorry - I skipped breakfast this morning. > She >then took a good look at the face of her oldest daughter, >then said, "Oh, my God! Daria! What happened?" > Tom: [Helen] You haven't been pretending to be Al Jolson again, have you? >Jane took the letter and showed it to Helen. She >scanned it for a few seconds. > Mike: [Helen] So Andrew "Dice" Clay's figured out how to use the post office. I knew this day would come. >"It was attached to what looked like a concussion >charge, Helen," Jane said. > Crow: Yes, most artists have an innate ability to identify types of explosives. Mike: Picasso practically invented C-4. >"I'm going to refer this to the Postal Inspection >Service right away!," Helen said as she ran to get the >cellular phone. > Tom: Um, Helen, maybe a hospital would be better? With the burns and head injury and... oh, never mind. >"Don't bother, Mom," Daria said; "they can't do any >good. Crow: But you said you wanted her help earlier in maybe suing them... now you're saying they won't help? Make up your mind! > Besides, there's no return address on the envelope." > Tom: Well, at least on the bits of the envelope that weren't exploded. Mike: That shows the perpetrators had more brains than a root vegetable. Crow: [gasping] Then the Lawndale Militia can't possibly be involved! >"Well, they probably CAN do something about this, young >lady!," Tom: [Helen] At the very least, they can say "I'm sorry, but we can't do anything". > Helen snapped back with firm resolve as she dialed >the number for the local Postal Inspection Service office. > Crow: [Helen] Hello, Postal Inspectors? There's no return address on this envelope! Tom: She has the Postal Inspectors on her speed dial? Mike: Well, she has that ex-client who sends a box of hissing roaches every month. >"It looks like Helen's going to help you, whether you >like it or not!," Jane said. > Crow: [Jane] Nyah nyah! >Daria just closed her eyes and put her hand to her >forehead. Mike: [Daria] Oh, how dare she react to an attempt on my life! Why can't you be more apathetic, like the Ramseys? >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Ryokuto Academy, life was beginning to return >to normal, or what passes for normal there. > Tom: I'm talking, of course, about pig-licking. >The entire student body had turned out for a special >ceremony marking the start of classes since the Neo-Zero >attack. Crow: Good thing, too - the school had been closed for almost three hours, and people were starting to get antsy. > The principal was standing at a podium, Mike: With his pants down and flapping like a chicken. > while >sitting on seats behind him were the department heads, Tom: Jan in the Pan's family at Ryokuto Academy... >the Student Government, the dorm presidents and various >other dignitaries. All: [student gov] We are the leaders of tomorrow. Please leave your bribes in the basket on the right. > The principal began to speak: > Crow: And immediately everyone started sleeping. >"I must congratulate all you fine young men--and one >female ghost-- [All snicker. Mike shrugs with his palms up.] > for the commendable efforts you made in >repairing our fine school. Tom: [principal] We salute you, horrifying disembodied spirit! > I must say that I am impressed >and that the repairs were made way ahead of schedule. Mike: And only $700 million over budget! > I >am even further impressed that the Education Ministry gave >us the certification to resume classes way ahead of schedule >as well. Mike: But now I'm impressed for time. Crow: [at Mike] Don't impress your luck, buddy. > I must congratulate all of you, for this was truly >a team effort. > Tom: Give a shout out to the weirdoes and outcasts in the back row! >"And now, I ask that the President of our Student >Government, Shinobu Tezuka, deliver a few remarks." > Tom: First the school gets rebuilt, and now they have to listen to a student council speech. Could this day get any worse? Mike: Isn't this speech order kind of backwards? Crow: Mm, sort of like Bill Clinton introducing the Congressional sergeant-at-arms. >The principal yielded the podium to Shinobu, who >looked stunning in his dark lavender hair. Crow: And by "stunning", we mean "hilariously geeky". Tom: What, he was wearing his hair as a suit? *What the flip is going on?!* Mike: Is he an anime character or a member of Blink 182? You make the call! > He began to >speak: > Mike: As opposed to just doing it. Crow: [Shinobu] You're all laughing at my hair, aren't you?!? Cut it out, Isaku! I mean it!! Tom: Speeches, speeches everywhere. Can't they stop to think? >"Thank you, Mr. Principal. Tom: Yes, Mr. Principal, part of a long line of principals. > To all my fellow students >here at Ryokuto, Crow: [Shinobu] It's not my fault! Honest! > I must say that your efforts are to be >commended. In fact, they wi1ll be rewarded. Tom: Your school day will be cut from 15 hours to 14 hours, 55 minutes! > I have made >arrangements with the Administration so that we will all go >to the Yorimuri Giants home opener at the Tokyo Dome this >April. Mike: Once in the stadium parking lot, we'll bask in the earnest cheers of the paying customers inside. > From what I've heard, they're making excellent >progress in repairing that facility.*" > Mike: In fact they're pulling workers from the Sewage Treatment Plants to make sure they finish on time! Tom: Mike, is Peter going to interrupt every time he makes a reference? Crow: I can't imagine the confusion it would create if we started doing it. >*The Tokyo Dome was severely damaged in "Misery Senshi." Crow: They never should have booked that Gallagher concert. Tom: I could have told him that one day the watermelons would try and get revenge. >--Sadahara Peter. > Mike: Oh. Crow: Oh what? Mike: Never mind. >There was stunned silence from the crowd. Tom: I scrubbed the blisters off my fingers for a lousy baseball ticket?! > It took a >few minutes for it to sink in. Mike: Not exactly the best and the brightest, are they? > But, then, there was a loud >"BANZAI!" from everyone that was said three times running. > Tom: And a sudden hail of small juniper trees fell on the crowd. >Shinobu continued: > >"Well, I guess that cheered everyone up. Mike: Or it inspired them to try and kill themselves. > Now, let's >get down to business." > Crow: [Shinobu] Construction costs have necessitated a little tuition increase. Please form a line on the right. Those who can't pay have one hour to gather their things. >With that, the crowd began to disperse and go to class. Mike: [applauding] Yes, the pointless stupid scene that accomplishes nothing, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, show'em you care! Crow: [Shinobu] Wait! I haven't finished yet! I was gonna talk about the work conditions! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Later that day, after class, Kazuya returned to his >room. Tom: And he began to worship in front of his shrine to Katie Holmes. Crow: So Mike, I'm guessin' that back in Wisconsin, this is about when you'd be reachin' for a lukewarm Old Milwaukee and a cut from your extensive Judas Priest collection. Far off? Mike: Journey, more likely. > Unusually, for a fine institution like this, >his homework load was light. Tom: Only a 20-page analysis of how temperature affects solubility in three-phase distillation columns. > Perhaps the administration >didn't want to heap on too much on the students the first >day back. Tom: Since when should that stop them? > All Kazuya wanted to do was to do his homework >and go to bed. Mike: Maybe get a jump on his dissertation on outcast/ weirdo social structures. > It was some day. Crow: Somewhere in the month of January. I guess. > Kazuya threw his books on >the bed when suddenly someone said, "Hey! Watch where >you're throwing those books!" > Tom: It was the pillow. Crow: I am Kazuya's bed pillow. >Kazuya turned around to see Misako sitting on his bed, >wearing a pink teddy! > Mike: Well, I guess it is a little unusual for ghosts to dress like bears... Crow: So did he throw his books over his shoulder? Tom: [harsh whipser] Quiet! You want Pete drawing diagrams? >"WHAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAAA-?," Kazuya said in a half-stutter. > Mike: [wincing] Ulk. Every time this guy speaks, it's like someone's ramming a Q-tip in my ear. Crow: And twisting. >"Oh, didn't Shun tell you?," Misako said, "I'm going to >be your new roommate." > Mike: [Misako] I even talked to the Administration and they were okay about it. Apparently they like this idea of a cross flesh/ghost program. Tom: [Misako] It's your turn to do my ghost laundry! Make sure to separate my ghost whites from my ghost colors! And don't forget the ghost fabric softener! >"Misako," Kazuya began to roar, "this room only >accommodates two people, Crow: [Misako] Oh. So, I should probably take possession of your body, then. > and there are no girls allowed >here!" > Tom: [Misako] But I come here all the time! Mike: [Kazuya] That's different! >"I'm a ghost, remember?," Misako shot back. Crow: Ahhh!! [ducks] Mike: No, please, remind us another four times. > "Besides, >Shun was passing himself off as a girl for the longest >time." > >"Well, that's different," Kazuya shot back, Mike: [Kazuya] It was our mistake for not asking if he was a guy with breasts and high heels. Tom: Just think of him as Mr. B. Natural. Crow: But she's a woman! Tom: No he's not! Crow: Is so! > hating all >the while having to be a devil's advocate for Shun. Crow: [Misako] Hey, Kazoo, did you know in this light, you look just like Keanu Reeves? > "Shun's >more like that Ranma Saotome guy, except he doesn't need >cold water!" > Mike: [confused] So, this Ramada guy needs a cold shower? Or he's not really machine washable? What is he saying here? Crow: It's an anime thing. You wouldn't understand. Mike: [sighing] All right, I call, no nation gets superpower status unless they have all their gender identity issues resolved. >"Temper, temper, temper!," giggled Misako. > Crow: [calling] The steel's ready! >Kazuya was ready to blow it when Shun entered. > Tom: But according to Bo Derek, Ghosts Can't Do It. >"Oh, hi, Ska!," Mike: Hi Ska? Crow: Madness must have wandered in. > Shun chimed in. "I see you noticed >that Misako's going to be with us now!" [Tom ahems.] Crow: [Shun] Oh, and she's in a teddy too. Tom: You realize, this could degenerate into the weirdest game of "Spin the Bottle" ever. Mike: [shuddering] Ugh. Thanks a lot. > Shun was wearing >another of his after-class outfits, this time it was a pink >T-shirt with a stupid smiley face, a red miniskirt and red >high heels.* > Crow: Oo, I want him on Elle! Tom: The magazine? Crow: No, the tracks where the Chicago trains run. >*Quinn had worn a similar outfit when she tried to >seduce Kevin in the "Daria" episode "The Lab Brat". Tom: Thank you Mr. Unnecessary Information. >--Peter the Graduate. Mike: [falsetto] Mr. Guerin, you're not trying to seduce me, are you? Crow: He can get away with this, because he doesn't have any storyline to interrupt. > >Kazuya turned around to face Shun and then snapped, Mike: [Shun] ... huh? What happened? Last thing I remember I was at the hypnotist, the next minute... EEK! WHAT AM I WEARING? >"Shun, how could you do this to me?" > Tom: It's called hatred, Ska. I'd get used to it if I were you. >"Hey, c'mon, Ska! Misako likes it here much better >than in Yomi!*" > Mike: Inyomi? Isn't that where December 7th lives? Tom: No, "infamy". It's not the same. >*In Shinto, Yomi is their equivalent of the underworld, >kind of like the Greek Hades; everyone, regardless of >whether they were good or bad, goes there. Mike: It's basically a dorm for dead people. Crow: So Stalin and Schweitzer wind up roomies? Tom: Oh hey! Hey guys! You know where you find Yomi? Huh?! Do ya?! WYOMING! HA! Mike: Now I don't think that's called for, Servo. Wyoming is actually beautiful country. Tom: It's not about the country, Mike! Yomi is IN Wyoming! Look at it! Crow: Mm, I see rustic cowboys leading lives of simple pleasures. Mountains, wild horses... Mike: Government subsidized grazing rights. And the strip mines! Crow: [wistfully] Ah, the strip mines. Tom: [muttering] Pardon me while I multitask my contempt for you both. > It's presided >over by Susanô, Mike: Specifically, Susanô Hoffs, of Bangles fame. > who is also the God of the Wind and brother >to Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven-Shining Deity who >serves as the Sun Goddess. Crow: Not to mention being second cousin twice removed of Murray, the old high priest-king and demigod in charge of walking the dog during "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". > For more details, read the >appendix to "Misery Senshi." Tom: Is he writing a novel-length fanfic, or a fictional essay with reference sheets? > --Reverend Peter. > Mike: Peter had several job changes over the course of writing this fanfic. Tom: And apparently, he's decided to go ahead and incorporate the appendix directly into the story this time. Crow: Good. Tom & Mike: *GOOD?!?* Crow: In the sense of at least we won't get blindsided by it at the end again. Tom: That's kind of a mixed blessing, ain't it? Mike: No, he's right, Tom - at this point, we have to take whatever comfort we can. >"Well, sometimes I wish she'd stay there!," Kazuya >yelled. > Crow: What's his problem, anyway? It's like he doesn't WANT a female roommate! Tom: It's the ectoplasm, it completely turns him off. >"Uh, oh," Shun now said in alarm; "you shouldn't have >said that, Ska!" > Crow: [Minnewegean accent] Oh, that was just uncalled for, don't ya know? >Kazuya now turned around to see Misako beginning to >sniffle. Tom: Somebody get her the ghost of some chicken soup! Mike: Chicken soup for the soul? Tom: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. > If she broke out in tears again, the results would >be catastrophic. > Mike: [confused] Because her cheeks would get really puffy? >"Misako," Kazuya began, "don't! I didn't mean it!" > Tom: [Kazuya] I meant you should stay there in a GOOD way! A GOOD way! >Misako was about to cry now. Kazuya ran up to her >and put his hand over her mouth. > Mike: And got slimed for his troubles. Crow: Ah, we're using the "Soultaker" laws of corporealness. Tom: Yeah, later he'll try to punch her and his fist'll pass right through. >"Please!," Kazuya said. "I'm sorry!" > >Misako seemed to calm down when Kazuya said that. [All snicker.] Mike: Jeez, if only my ex-girlfriend forgave me this quick. Crow: Hm, when confronted with a hellish revenant seeking revenge, a simple apology placates them immediately! I'll have to write that down! >Kazuya and Shun began to breathe sighs of relief. > Tom: Good thing the dead are easily bamboozled. >"I've got to get out for a while," Kazuya now said, >grabbing his books. > Mike: Good thinking! Now if one of Japan's gangs of roving auditors comes after him, he can use those books to distract them long enough to get away! >"Don't forget about the ten o'clock curfew!," Shun >reminded Kazuya. > Tom: And for goodness' sake, stay away from the Staples Center! >"Yeah, yeah, yeah," was Kazuya's reply. He just wanted >to be out of here for a while. Mike: We sympathize - believe me, we really sympathize! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Kazuya had been out on the streets for a while. Crow: He had to scarf down on leftover grubs and pizza boxes. > He >wasn't sure where he was, until he passed an apartment >complex that said "SHOWA EMPEROR MEMORIAL PUBLIC HOUSING >PROJECT". Crow: My, what a loud apartment complex. Mike: You'd think it would have something more interesting to say. > Now he remembered where he was. Tom: [Kazuya] Hey, waitasec! This is Japan! > He was at the >apartment building that his girlfriend, Miya Igarashi, Mike: Although the restraining order made dating a bit more difficult. > had >been calling home since she moved out of her mother's >apartment after the falling out she had with her old >boyfriend Tenma Koizumi. Crow: "Kazuya walked to his girlfriend's apartment." I care little about that, and nothing about anything else. > Kazuya now entered the building, Tom: Are you sure he didn't *begin to* enter the building? Crow: I think he *seemed to* enter the building. Mike: Living in the past, eh? >took the elevator to the tenth floor and approached >Apartment 10H. Kazuya rang the doorbell, Tom: [Kazuya] *snort* Candygram! *tee-hee* > which was answered >by Miya. She was not wearing her seifuku Tom: Saaay! Crow: Wow! Pete missed a crossover opportunity! Something must be terribly wrong! > but instead was >clad in a red T-shirt and beige slacks. It looked like she >had just finished cooking dinner. > Crow: Because the Japanese like to eat in dinner casual. >"Miya, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time," Kazuya >began to say. > Mike: [Miya, covering her ears] AH! Don't say anything! Please! >"No, not at all," Miya replied. "Come in, please. I >just finished cooking dinner. All: [a la "Iron Chef"] *I-YON-A, CHEF!* > I was going to have some >tempura.* > Mike: She's gonna eat paint? >*Tempura is fish stir-fried in a wok.--Chef Yan Can't Cook Peter. > Mike: Oh. Never mind. Tom: **Tempura is batter-dipped deep-fried seafood or vegetables. -- Tom "Guerin is a Mullet" Servo Crow: Wow. A succinct statement. Mike: Look closely at it. We're not likely to see one of those again. >"Sure," said Kazuya resignedly. Mike: [Kazuya] What was I thinking? She can't even boil water without ruining it! I'm a dead man! > He entered the >apartment. It was modestly decorated but cozy. Crow: Hm. The undead ghost student living with *her* doesn't have any sense of design. > Miya began >to serve the tempura for Kazuya. > Tom: [Miya] I only made enough for myself, but please! Dig in! >"You know, I owe a lot to your brother and sister-in- >law for this apartment," Miya said. Crow: [Miya] Could you try and tell them that I'll pay them on Monday? > "After I moved out, I >didn't know where to turn. Hiro and Sumire have been so >kind and considerate to me." > Mike: [Kazuya, wolfing down food] SLURP! CHOMP! Oh, kind, considerate, yeah. Hey, this fish tastes like cardboard! Got any ketchup? >Although Kazuya knew she had gotten this place, Tom: Seeing how she lives here and all. > he >didn't know until now that his brother had gotten this >place for him. Crow: So, Kazoo knew that this place where she was, she had got, but not that the place was got for her by someone else. Tom: Right. Mike: Huh? > He didn't know that he had such a soft >spot in his heart. > Tom: He wondered if surgery was the answer. >"Miya, I came over here to blow some steam," Kazuya >began to say. Crow: Eating all your food's just a bonus. > "Shun and Misako were getting on my nerves." > Tom: [Miya] What, the pre-op and the banshee? Why? >"Well, a lot of nerves were frayed during the recent >attack," Mike: Being bombed has that effect on people. > Miya replied; "it can't be helped." > Crow: [Miya] We all have our own flamingly transsexual roommates and petulant ghosts to bear. >"Miya, why can't I just have a normal life?," Kazuya >shot back. Crow: AAAH! [ducks] Mike: [Miya] Karma. More fish? > "I lost my parents; my brother marries the first >girl I fell in love with; I live in a dorm with the weirdest >people around; and now I also have a ghost living with me. Tom: [Kazuya] And now I'm in the apartment of my girlfriend Miya, eating tempura, which is fish stir-fried in a wok! Crow: Batter-dipped. >I bet not even the guys on Seinfeld have it this bizarre." > Tom: [Kramer] I got it, Jerry - a perfume that smells like Lawndale High! I'll call it - Barch! Mike: Ska, you do understand, those are *actors*, right? >"Hey, Ska, you've got me," Miya said. She then leaned >over and kissed him. > All: EWWW! Mike: Now there's a woman with self-esteem issues! Crow: Maybe he gives off a powerful pheromone when whining. >"Thanks, Miya," Kazuya said; "that made me feel a lot >better." > Tom: [Miya] Well I hope you took a photo, 'cuz... >"Then, eat up," Miya said; Crow: [Minnewegean] Ooh, ya better finish up yer fried eels before ya go out and play again, Kazoo, doncha know. > "maybe after dinner, we can >hit the books together." > Tom: [Miya] Their dull thumping noises will cheer us even more. >That made Kazuya feel a lot better. He picked up his >chopsticks and dug right into the tempura. Mike: [Kazuya] Mmmmmm! Octopus livers in raw seaweed! My favorite! >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Are we at the next chapter yet? Mike: Nope. Crow: Each chapter is like one whole fanfic. >Kazuya managed to get back before the curfew. When he >entered his dorm, Shun, Misako, Shinobu and Mitsuru were on >the floor, doing their studying. > Crow: Excuse me? The GHOST was studying? Mike: She must have taken our advice. >"Hey, Hasukawa, we missed you," Shinobu said in his >usual cordial, disarming tone. > Crow: Eventually, Kazoo agreed to sign the START II treaty. >"Well, I needed to blow some steam," Kazuya replied. > Crow: [slyly] Did it blow back? >Mitsuru handed an unopened can of Kirin beer to Kazuya >and said, "You'd better brace yourself for this." > Tom: What? The beer? It's really kind of weak. [Dramatic music stirs in the background.] Not like Molson! The Canadian beer! It's from a nation with meters, not those lousy miles! And they have money with colors other than green! And they've got *real* actors like Shatner or Tom Green, not those pretty boys like Brad Pitt or DiCaprio! Mike: [to Tom] You're still taking heat from that Canada song, aren't you? Tom: Yes. >Kazuya opened the can and drank. "What?," he wanted to >know. > Crow: [Mitsuru] Kirin's doing a recall! They found benzene in the beer! [Mike does a spit take.] Mike: PFFFTTTH! >"I suspect that my dear sister Nagisa is up to no good >again," Shinobu began; Tom: Big surprise. Tell us something about sisters we don't know! > "A friend of mine has noticed her a >lot at Yokohama recently. She owns a warehouse there. Crow: [Shinuba] In fact, it's the best little warehouse in Yokohama. Mike: She's going to a warehouse she owns? Wow, that IS suspicious! > He >thinks she may be trying to smuggle some illicit materials >here." > Mike: At least that's what his invisible flying dog told him. >"So, how does that concern us, may I ask?," Kazuya said >with no hint of love in his voice. > Tom: Kazoo's been subjected to what we in the love biz call a "soulectomy". >"You know we have had our tangles with her in the >past," Shinobu continued. Crow: [Kazuya] Um, I know that because I was *there*, right? Mike: [Shinobu] I say we *make* her use conditioner! > "I fear that if we don't do >something to make her see the error of her ways soon, it >will come back to haunt us in some manner." > Tom: How to stretch "Why? Because!" into sixty-three words! >"Besides," Mitsuru added, Bots: [Shinobu and Mitsuru, whining] We're borrrrrrred! > "You know she kidnapped a few >of us, including Shun's brother Reina." > Mike: [Kazuya] I'm still not seeing the whole warehouse/ smuggling/us connection. Perhaps if I lent you this crayon? >"OK, OK, point taken," Kazuya conceded; "but why can't >we just let the National Police handle this? Tom: [Shinobu] Look, are you up for the fanfic or not?!? > Smuggling is >way out of our league." > Mike: Now if your sis was into forgery or auto theft... >"Yes," Shinobu agreed; "but if we get to her first, no >one will get hurt. Tom: [Shinobu] Except us. And since we're outcasts and weirdoes, we're used to it! > After all, in my own weird way, I do >care for my sister. Mike: [Morrisey] o/~ In my own sick way, I've always stayed true to you. o/~ > At least I don't try to disown her by >saying that she's my cousin or anything like that." > Crow: Forced Parallelism - friend or foe? >Shun and Misako giggled while Kazuya rolled his eyes. Crow: [falsetto] Tee-hee, he didn't disown her. It's funny! Tom: Oh, wait, MISAKO is rolling Kazuya's eyes! Kazuya is screaming and clutching the gaping hole in his head! >------------------------------------------------------------ >At the high-rise office building she called her base of >operations, Nagisa Tezuka received some members of the >House of Councillors, Mike: They came free with every delivery of a medium one-topping pie at Little Caesar's. > the largely ceremonial upper house of >the Japanese Diet. > Tom: Remember, a bowl of sashimi for breakfast, another for lunch, and a sensible dinner of squid paste and kelp. >"Gentlemen," Nagisa began, "do come in. We do have >some business to tend to." > Crow: Apparently, Nagisa is the Speaker of the House. Mike: Do sit down. Do have a drink. Do be do be do? >The councillors took their seats. Nagisa then produced >a black briefcase, opened it, and began to toss out some >stacks of money to each member. > Tom: It's every Thursday in Congress! Crow: And unless you vote for campaign finance reform, it'll be every day in America! >"There's plenty more where that came from," Nagisa >added. Crow: Namely, this briefcase. > "All you have to do is to vote against the new >crime bill when it comes up to a vote. Crow: Every law called a "crime bill" is good! Mike: All those who oppose it are villains and crooks! Tom: Logic uses big brain! Subtext! > I've already seen >to it that I have the votes necessary to prevent an >override vote in the House of Representatives."* > Mike: [Nagisa] I made sauerbraten. Seemed to go over really well. >*If the House of Councillors rejects a bill, Crow: Then I go back to Congress and they vote on me again. Mike: Boy, it's not easy to become a law, is it? > the House >of Representatives, the Diet's lower house, can override the >rejection by a two-thirds vote. Tom: Pete? Make a fist. That's the number of us that care. OK? > This is somewhat similar >to our Congress overriding a Presidential veto or the House >of Commons in the British Parliament re-passing a bill a >year after the House of Lords votes against it. Mike: But nothing at all like dancing the mazurka with your cousin Sally. > For more >details about the Japanese Diet, Crow: Watch *I-YON-A, CHEF!* > consult the appendix to >"Misery Senshi" Tom: Well, we're not going to do that willingly, so what are our other options? > or go to the Diet's Web page at >http://www.shugiin.go.jp/guide. Crow: No, I don't like that idea either. Mike: We should just hire someone to come up here and make a long-winded speech about it. > --Congressman Peter. > All: Hey! He'd be perfect! Tom: Oh, wait. Wasn't he forced to resign when they found him writing horrible fanfics on the taxpayer's dime? >"Very well, Ms. Tezuka," one of the councillors >replied. "We'll do as you say." > Crow: [random councilor] But I was going to do it anyways... thanks for the money, though! >"Very good," Nagisa replied cheerfully. Mike: [Nagisa] Of course now that I know you can be bought, I can't trust you, but... > "You may go >now." > Tom: [Nagisa] I could've just threatened to kill you if you passed the bill, but I'm feeling a little generous. >The councillors left the room just as Agent L entered. > Crow: Aw, no! And I already made a Chicago Transit joke! >"Boss, I don't want to disturb you," Agent L began to >say, Mike: I loved his work with Van Morrison, when he was still with Agents G, O, R, I, and A. > "but this is important." > >"I was just finishing up," Nagisa replied. "What is >it?" > Tom: [L] We're planning a company lunch, but can't find a table for 26. Any ideas? >"Well," Agent L began, "we seemed to have lost contact >with our agents in Chicago." > Crow: [L] They've been ignoring our calls, and the last e-mail response said something about shoving it up our a-... Mike: [Nagisa] Okay, okay! >"WHAT!," Nagisa roared. > Tom: [L, sighing] OK. There's this city in the U.S. called Chicago, see? And your agents... >"Word on the street was they got busted, but I'm not >really certain." > Mike: Ah, Agent L has learned the first rule of good relations with management- run to them before you have any idea what you're talking about! >"Get a hold of some of our underground contacts >there," Nagisa shot back. Crow: AAAAAH! [ducks] Mike: We've got more people shooting here than in a John Woo Film. > "I want to know what happened. Tom: [Nagasi] Unless it's something bad, in which case, just don't even tell me, please. I can't deal with setbacks. >And if the American law enforcement agencies are involved >in this, take whatever steps necessary to neutralize them." > Mike: And so the terrorists begin to lobby Congress to abolish the ATF. >"Understood, Boss," Agent L replied. He left in a >hurry. > >"I haven't gotten this far just to have everything blow >up in my face!," Nagisa growled to herself. Crow: That's Daria's job. > "I will see >this thing through!" Crow: [Tom Petty] o/~ No I, won't back down! /No I won't back down!/ You can stand me up to the gates of hell but- o/~ Mike: Uh, let's not mention the Appendix again, please. Tom: Break time. Finally. [They stand and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The SOL Bridge is piled high with crates and strewn with guns and rifles and bazookas and ammunition clips. In the middle of it all sit Tom and Crow. Tom has a Mexican general's uniform on, and a thin reedy mustache has been placed beneath his nose. Crow is in full camouflage gear, with a bowl-style helmet covered with fake twigs and leaves. The two are chortling to themselves about their collection.] [Mike enters from the right, intent on simply getting to the other side of the ship. He's carrying a laundry basket full of clothes.] Mike: Hey, guys. I'm doin' a load of whites, you got anything? Tom: Yeah, if you could get my "Welcome Back Kotter" series of commemorative boxer briefs? Mike: Sure. Where are they? Tom: Right by that box of Russian M-60 rifles we've accumulated to sell at our new gun shop! Mike: [looks] Got'em! [Mike grabs the underwear and exits left. Tom and Crow stare at him as he leaves.] Crow: [turning to Tom] Give him a minute. [They weight a few seconds. Nothing.] Tom: Huh! Crow: Wow. Well I guess we'll just have to show our gun shop's newest products, to *each other*, then. Tom: What? But- does that count? Crow: Of course it counts! We have a gun shop, we have inventory, we're perfectly justified in showing our inventory! [coming down] To each other. [rallying] Not that there's anything second-rate or unfunny about that! Tom: Certainly not! Why, look here at this item! [Tom holds up a revolver. It stays in his hand a minute, then jumps and sticks against his body.] Tom: Refrigerator Magnums! Now you can keep your kitchen safe, AND display your budding Remington's latest portraits of the ooooooold West! Crow: Wow! Every bit as fresh as it was when you showed it to me before, but anyway! That's nothing compared to- [Crow brings up a medicine bottle filled with tiny pill- sized guns with Charlton Heston's picture on it.] Crow: IbuHeston! The only full-strength analgesic endorsed by NRA President Charlton Heston! Tom: Why, it's so simple! What with our white blood cells so vital to defend our bodies against disease, it's about time somebody ARMED the damn things! Crow: Tiny. Little. Sawed off. Semi-automatic! Tom: Swallow two every six hours, or as necessary to reload! Crow: [Heston] Mr. President, let me say it clearly: From my cold, dead, immune system! Tom: [chuckling] Crow, this is the fourth time you've read through this bit with me, and I tell you, it stills sounds at least one-third as funny as when I first heard it! Crow: [downcast] Oh. Well, thanks. Tom: Check this out! [Cambot pulls back to the right to reveal:] Tom: We took a case of surplus Russian AK-47's from Kazakhstan, and beat them into this unique and functional plowshare! For extra irony, the blade's been coated with armor-piercing Teflon! Crow: Hey, neat! Normally I think Biblical references are too obscure, but now that Tom's brought in his visual, you can really see how the joke just doesn't work! Tom: [resentful] Hey! Crow: But that's OK! Our comedic level soars right back up with my new novelty gun- The Last Laugh! Every bullet casing comes fully engraved with the image of the hilarious "Bang!" flag! Sure to leave the coroners rolling in the aisles! Tom: [derisive] Shyah. If they're trying to put out a fire on their lab coats. Crow: Oh, like your "T.H. Cinniguns" idea was so much better! I mean, come on! Saturday night specials baked in an oven and covered with cream-cheese frosting? Tom: Hey, that could've worked if the gun oil wasn't so smelly and poisonous, albeit with an off kind of taste that was kind of addictive. Anyway, my back-up is much better. [calls off stage] Gyps! Bring the thing! [Gypsy, wearing a croupier's suit, pushes in a roulette table. The wheel is spinning.] Tom: Our Grand Deluxe Russian Roulette table! Place your bets! Place your bets! [Gypsy opens her mouth. A pistol drops out and lands on the wheel. But as it lands, it goes off with a BANG! and hits Crow. He flies right out of shot yelping in pain, and collapses somewhere with a crash. The wheel slows to a stop.] Tom: The winner... Red 32! And Black 17! And 20, 11, Double 0, 36, 2, wow, seems kinda hard to make money off this game, 14, 25... Gypsy: We'll be right back. [Tom continues rattling off numbers. The Guerin sign begins to flash. Mike runs on the bridge, as laundry goes flying in his panic and the door sequence begins.] Mike: GUN SHOP?! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters.] Mike: Are you okay, Crow? Crow: Yea. The bullet just winged me. Get it? Winged? 'Cause I'm Crow... Mike: How the heck did you two get a gun license anyway? Crow: We were in Texas last weekend. Tom: Shakey's gives them away with a large pie. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 2: Aim High, Shoot Low Tom: Knit One, Pearl Two. Mike: Bronx Up, Battery Down. Crow: Alamen left, alamen right, swing your partner and do-si-do! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Chicago, everything was set for what the ATF >had code-named "Operation Samurai Sword". Tom: [Don Pardo] Now it's time for another episode of, "Operation Samurai Sword"! > Several ATF >agents disguised as yakuza operatives were now at the >warehouse where they had busted the yakuza and the militia >members. Mike: Right down to buck private. > They had brought some members who decided to >co-operate in exchange for immunity from prosecution. Crow: Well hey! Those sound like interesting characters! Why can't the story be about THEM? Tom: Hey, we need to concentrate on the billions of sub-plots! >Collins was going over last-minute instructions with his >subordinates. > Tom: IF {Suspect} AND {Guns}= TRUE, THEN GOTO SUBROUTINE "Extreme Prejudice" >"If those bastards try to tip us off to their buddies, >you have my full authorization to do anything necessary to >neutralize them," Collins instructed his operatives. > Mike: It's the battle of the ultra-violent, kill-happy bad guys vs. the ultra-violent, kill-happy good guys. Tom: Good; I hate moral ambiguity. >Rally, May, Becky, Bean and Chelsea, meanwhile, were >waiting outside of the warehouse in their cars. > Bots: [May & Becky] Are we there yet? Mike: [Rally] Yes. Bots: [May & Becky] Are we there yet? Mike: [Rally] Yes, we are in fact there! Look around you! >"Where the Hell are they going to go, anyway?," May >said to Rally. > Crow: Nowhere. Which is why we're going to read five or six pages on it. Mike: This make take a while. I better get a Snickers. [A cash register KA-CHING! can be head once again.] >"From what Collins told me," Rally answered, "this >group is based in a town somewhere in the Southwest called >Lawndale. Rather an out-of-the-way place from what he told >me about it." Crow: [Rally] And yet for some reason some things have been orbiting around the city recently. It's almost as if it's the center of the universe or something. Tom: I wonder if Becky or Chels will get a line at some point. Mike: Maybe they're too busy kissing. [Tom and Crow stare at Mike.] Mike: Well I have to engage my interest somehow. > She took out a map, unfolded it, and pointed >the town out to May. > Tom: [May] Wow! I've never been to a purple state before! Crow: [Rally] See, and over here? That's where we throw you out of the car if you sing that "Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" song again. >"Not much, is it?," May asked. > Crow: [Rally] Well, there's some sort of MTV series based there, but other than that... >"No, I guess not," Rally confirmed. "But from what I >heard, there had been a coup attempt there a few months >back, Tom: A great place to unleash a new coup and change the United States government, alright. Mike: Fortunately the coup masters pronounced the "p", so everyone thought they were talking about cars. > at roughly the same time a Japan Air Lines aircraft >crashed there.* All: Uh oh. Mike: The Curse of the Asterix, starring Obelix and Dogmatix. > That happened while the Neo-Zero attack >was happening in Tokyo." > Crow: Boy, Chicago gun dealers sure are a Nippocentric lot. >*That was the flight that Mizuno Ami took to go to >Germany which was then hijacked by Akbar el-Salaam in >"Misery Senshi."--Luckless Peter. > Mike: Please, I still have nightmares. Tom: [in disbelief] Frozen terrorists eaten by python sharks. [shudders] >"Oh, now I remember," May said. "That was all over >the news." > Mike: Which would explain why not very many people know about it. Crow: Plus some guy wrote a really weird fanfic piece about it - called it the "Memory Alpha Daybreak Babylon" or something. Tom: [May] And then they found that poor kitty with the two faces and everyone forgot about the coup. >"If Collins is right and they're gearing up for another >coup attempt, we've got to stop them," Rally added. > Crow: [May] But... for FREE? Are you NUTS? Mike: Wow, Rally just assumes too much responsibility, man. Tom: I know, it's like the world can only be fixed by her. >Rally now took a look inside the warehouse. Mike: [Rally] Hey, they're filming like twenty TV action series in there! > Collins >had waved the convoy that was to deliver the goods forward, >and now drove up to her. > Tom: Ergh. You need a Spirograph to diagram that sentence. >"Better take the rear, Pussycat," Collins said. "When >we get to where it is we're going, you'd better book a room. Mike: Bill Collins. ATF Love Machine. Crow: [Becky] Shouldn't we be booking the *criminals*, sir? Tom: [Rally] Shut up Becky. >I have a feeling that we're going to be there for some >time." > Crow: [sighing] The story of my life, fella. Deal with it. >Rally just sighed as she started the car up. The >Shelby Cobra and the Roadbuster now took their places right >behind the last truck in the convoy. Mike: [Rally] Oh great, behind a truck the whole journey! There'll be dirt flying at my windshield! [sighs] > It was going to be a >long journey. Mike: Kinda like this fanfic, only with occasional stops for gas. Tom: [Becky] OK! Who's up for a three-hour game of "The Minister's Cat"? Crow: [Rally] Shut up Becky. >------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: There's like eight different fanfics being written here! Tom: Sonic, you're needed on the 'Blood and Metal' set. Ramna, you and the panda are next door. And what are you people from Voyager doing here? >Back at Lawndale, Daria was up in her padded bedroom. Mike: [confused] Who the heck is this? Tom: I dunno. Maybe Pete's tossing in another crossover. Crow: Wait a minute! I remember her! That's our protagonist! Mike: Really? Tom: Are you sure? Crow: I think so. Granted, we haven't seen her for a few chapters, but I'm still fairly certain she's the hero of this thing. >She was trying to take her mind off the letter bomb attack, >but was not having any luck. Mike: [Daria] Let's see, 15 down, nine letters, "Recent Felon Ted Kaczynksi", U-N-I-B-blank-M-B-blank-R. Hmmmmm... > Jane was sitting on Daria's >bed, genuinely concerned for what was going on with her >friend. > Crow: [Jane] Geez, I hope she unlocks the door and lets me out of here - I'm too young and artistic to die. Besides, I should be getting my own spinoff soon. >Suddenly, Daria--who was fiddling with a pencil--snapped >it in half and growled. Tom: She's turning into the Hulk! Mike: Don't make her angry. You won't like her when she's angry. > She got out of the chair she was >sitting on, grabbed a book from her bookshelf, and flung it >against the wall with a primal scream. Crow: Daria Morgendorffer does scenes from Pink Floyd's "The Wall". Tom: Jeez, Judge Dredd isn't this high-strung. Mike: Peter Guerin! Always true to his characters! > Jane shot up from >the bed, Mike: [Jane] Er, football practice! > grabbed Daria by the shoulder, spun her around and >grabbed her trembling arms. > Tom: Then she let her go and Daria spun off like a top. >"Daria, get a grip on yourself!," Jane said. > Mike: [Jane] We've got sixty more pages to get through, don't you dare pass out on me now! >"Why me?," Daria now screamed, "Why does it always have >to be me? Crow: You'd rather the show were called "Anne W. Spencer of Haupaugh, Long Island"? > I don't deserve this! Why do I always have to be >the outcast, the loner, the nerd?" Crow: [Jane] Because I'm the sidekick, Quinn's the bratty sister, Kevin's the dumb jock, Brittany's the dumber cheerleader, and Andrea's the weirdo. All the other roles are taken! > She was beginning to >cry. Jane hugged her and patted her on the back. > Tom: Uh, careful there, Jane, she might... [Crow makes a retching sound.] Tom: Ewww... >"You're afraid of what the Lawndale Militia might do to >you, isn't it?," Jane said. > Mike: [Daria] No, I'm afraid of the effect of nepotism on Ivy League college admissions. *OF COURSE I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE LAWNDALE MILITIA!!* >Daria began to dry her eyes. "Yeah, I guess so. I >thought I could keep a calm head about this." > Mike: Well, you know what they say. If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs... Tom: Then you really don't fully grasp the situation. >"Well, the threat of death can unnerve you," Crow: If you're a *wuss*. > Jane said >in a matter-of-fact way; "besides, I guess a bit of the old >shell just cracked." > >"Huh?," Daria asked. > Mike: Wait, let me bronze that sentence. I wanna keep it with me forever. >"That big shell you build to wall off your emotions," >Jane said. Tom: Er, that's not a shell. It's eczema. See a dermatologist. Crow: [Daria] I wall my emotions out with sheet rock. > "Let's face it, Daria, you keep that poker face >of yours up all the time. Crow: [Daria] You're just still mad I bluffed you out of $500 bucks with a lousy pair of tens, aren't you? Mike: [Jane] No! Well, yes! But still... > You don't even smile unless >you've just cut someone down to size. Crow: [Daria] So I don't like to overuse my facial muscles, what's wrong with that? > Then something like >this comes up, and you're not prepared for it." > Tom: Many parents leave their children unprepared for counter-revolutionary militia groups sending fake explosives in the mail. Mike: It was so brave of "Boy Meets World" to do a show about it. >"I guess I just feel so helpless about this," Daria now >admitted. "I always want to feel like I'm in control over >matters." > Crow: Okay. So Daria takes the dominant role. I'll just file that in my "things I never, ever wanted to know" file. >"Well, those creeps will do anything to intimidate >people they don't like," Jane said. Mike: Even things that defy the laws of physics. > "Just feel lucky they >didn't summon you to one of their 'common-law courts'".* > Tom: Oh, that's where you and the judge don't actually have a trial, you just live together. >*Common-law courts are often set up by these militia >groups as a means of going after people and organizations >who are opposed to them; Crow: The bailiffs make snickering phone calls, asking "Are your lights burning?" > they often file "liens" against >their property. There's a good article about this in the >Summer 1998 issue of the "Southern Poverty Law Center >Review." Tom: Weird title for a gay bondage magazine. > Read it and open your eyes.--Judge Peter. > Crow: Because reading it *without* opening your eyes would be pointless and kinda sad. >"I'd feel a bit better if I knew what was going on," >Daria now confessed. > Mike: Me too. Tom: Me three. Crow: Me four. >"Tell you what," Jane offered; Crow: [Jane] I'll bring you over to Dairy Queen and we can order some Blizzards. > "I'll call Trent and ask >him if he could drive us to the ruins of the Lawndale Gun >Club;* Mike: [Jane] Come on, we'll shoot some cans. It'll be fun! > if anything's happening there, we can then notify the >authorities." > Tom: You go get Thelma and Daphne and I'll meet you at The Mystery Machine! >*Anthony Corlew blew up the Lawndale Gun Club before he >set out for his final attempt to take over Lawndale in >"Misery Senshi." Mike: For reasons too stupid to understand. > --Demolition Man Peter. > Crow: As always, "Marshmallow Syrup Nubbin Daffodil". Mike: "Misery Sushi"! The story of one man's quest to combine the great taste of raw fish with the crisp-ety crunch of broken glass! Tom: Pete's a free line whip. He's a walking disaster! >"You're sure you want to risk that?," Daria asked. > >"Hey, Trent won't see you get harmed," Jane replied; Mike: He'll have dozed off at the wheel long before then. >"after all, he did save your life the first time."* > Crow: [Daria] But everyone else did it two times! >*Trent indeed saved Daria's life in "Misery Senshi" when >he threw a knife into Anthony Corlew's heart when he was >trying to kill her. Tom: But you just showed us that scene earlier! We don't need the flashback! > --Encyclopedic Peter. > Mike: It's Encyclopedia Guerin and the Case of the Pointless Fanfic! >"OK, I guess we'll check and see, then," Daria replied. > Crow: Wait, let's see if someone wants to interrupt and explain that some more. >Jane got on the cellular phone Daria kept up in her >room and began to dial the number to her house. Mike: Which a good two hours to complete. Tom: *In "Musk Ox Ferengi Ouch Bippy Forever", Daria put a cell phone in her room to... Mike: One Pete is enough, thank you. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Trent's car was going down the private lane that led to >the ruins of the Lawndale Gun Club. Tom: Well, they're barely seventeen, but they're probably wearing too many clothes for the rest of that lyric. > Daria and Jane were in >the back. Crow: Nobody wanted to get TOO close to Trent. Whew! > Daria was nervous; she didn't know if she was >getting herself into a trap. > Mike: Maybe calling the militia to make reservations was a bad idea. >"Nervous, Daria?," Trent cooed. > Tom: Just a smidgeon, pigeon! Heh-heh. >"Maybe a little bit," Daria finally managed to force >out; Crow: [Trent] First time? Tom: [Daria] No, I've been nervous plenty of times before. Mike: The "Airplane" rip-off, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: You mean the "Airplane" *homage*. Mike: Whatever. > "you should be a bit concerned yourself." > >"Don't worry for me," Trent replied; "I can take care >of myself." > Tom: Despite all evidence to the contrary. Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. And why do you finger that cap gun when you say that? >When they got to the end of the lane, all three of them >were shocked at what they saw: Crow: Joe Lieberman in a bunny suit? Tom: Bill Gates using an I-Mac? Mike: A comprehensive life insurance policy for only $29.99 a month from Liberty National? [Once more, the KA-CHING! of the cash register is heard.] > the gun club had been >rebuilt. > Crow: [Jane] Huh! Look at that deathtrap. Roof falling in, trash piled up, grass hasn't been mowed in- wait, that's OUR house! Mike: [Trent] Sorry. got a little lost there. >"I guess that answers one question I had," Daria >blurted out. > Tom: [Daria] People build gun clubs faster than schools. Mike: I've never seen tire rims used as lawn sculptures before. >Trent stopped the car. All three of them came out and >warily approached the front door. Crow: [Daria] OK, remember, if he asks, we're looking to form our own Girl Scout militia group and can he help by buying cookies? > Daria rang the doorbell. [Tom whistles Dixie.] >A few seconds later, the door was answered by a brown- >haired, clean-shaven man. > Tom: So it's not Bruce Willis... and, it's not Bruce Willis. Crow: It's Matt Lauer! Mike: [Torgo] My NaMe Is ToRgO. i TaKe CaRe Of ThE pLaCe WhIlE tHe MiLiTiA iS aWaY. Tom: Stop that. >"Hello," the man said, "what can I help you with?" > Mike: [Daria] Um, we're with the militia group census, the only census that counts the people who have a right to stay uncounted? Would you mind not telling us how many bathrooms you have? >"Well," Daria said nervously, "we were surprised to see >that the gun club was rebuilt." > Tom: [Daria] Albeit very crudely with toothpicks, but rebuilt nonetheless. >"Please, let me introduce myself," the man said. "My >name is Armand Harmon. [All snicker.] Mike: [Armand] I put out fires and get rid of poison ivy! > I'm the new president of the >Lawndale Gun Club. Crow: The Lawndale Gun Club! If you've got a goofier name, you can be our next president! > I can assure you that nothing sinister >is going on here. Tom: Ah, he's being clever, because "sinister" means *left*, and they're a *right*-wing organization. > Our days where we were affiliated with >the Lawndale Militia are over. Mike: Now we're John Birchers to the core! > We just want to get along >with the community, not to take it over." > Tom: [Armand] Nope, we definitely have no interest in grinding Lawndale beneath our iron heel, looting and plundering the town, laughing as the pitiful citizenry cower in abject fear of their new masters!!! We shall triumph over - uh, sorry, got carried away. What was the question again? >"I guess I owe you an apology, then," Daria said. > Crow: For what? You didn't call him a fascist or anything... yet. >"No need to apologize," Armand said; "If yourself, >your parents, your friends or their parents ever want to >join, just give us a call." > Mike: [Daria] Sorry, but we already know how to whoop ass. >"We just might," Daria said. [The trio shakes their heads.] Crow: So, after you beat'em, join'em, I guess. > "Thanks again for all >your trouble." > Tom: [Armand] Heck, I can cause a *bunch* more trouble than this! Just wait! >Armand shook hands with the three of them, then said, >"I'd better head back inside; we were having a special >meeting." > Mike: [Armand] It's definitely not a pre-putsch meeting. Nope. Not at all. Just a plain old ordinary non-putsch-type special meeting. >"Sure," Daria said; "have a nice day." She, Jane and >Trent then went back to Trent's car. > Crow: [Jane] What a nice guy! That mail bomb must have come from some *other* Lawndale Militia. Let's check the Yellow Pages! >Just as soon as Trent's car pulled away, Armand went >back inside and went to a back room. Inside there were a >bunch of people in combat fatigues. > Crow: [militiaman] Yep, this is really, really not a war council, you betcha! Tom: [Armand] Knock it off, Ralph, she's gone. >"What the Hell was that all about?," one of them asked. > Tom: [Armand] Sorry about that guys, I just had to clean some kitty litter. Hope you don't mind. >"It was that Morgendorffer bitch," growled Armand; "she >and her kooky friends were snooping around. Mike: [Armand] Suddenly I have the urge to scare them away by disguising myself as The Phantom of Lawndale Forest! > I can assure >everyone here that once we have retaken this town, she and >her friends will be disposed of." > Crow: [militia guy] I still think maybe we should do that *before* we try retaking the town. Mike: [Armand] Hey! Does your name rhyme? Crow: [militia guy] Well, no- Mike: [Armand] Then shut up! >Armand now took a jackknife [Mike produces a knife and holds it up.] Mike: [Dundee] You call that a knife? THIS is a knife. Crow: I'm so sure a butter knife will strike fear in all of us, Mike. Mike: Awww... [puts the knife away] > that was on the table in >front of him and threw it right at a picture of Daria that >was on the far wall; Tom: It bounced off the wall, and the militia covered their heads and ran crying from the room. > the picture had a target painted on it. >The jackknife went right between her eyes. Crow: Yeah, but the photo's a headshot blown ten feet tall, so don't be too impressed. >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Meanwhile, in fanfic B... >It was early evening when the convoy arrived at the >gates of the private lane for the Lawndale Gun Club. Mike: ["Convoy"] o/~ We got a great big plot hole, drive through it at night! o/~ Tom: Pigpen, this here's Rubber Duck, I'm about to lay the hammer down! >However, the ATF agents' cars, the Roadbuster and the Shelby >Cobra stayed behind while the convoy entered; better not to >attract too much attention in this matter, it was decided. > Crow: And of course the people at the gun club won't NOTICE all the lights flickering on the outskirts of their property... >"That cinches it," Rally said, "the Lawndale Militia >is back in business!" > Mike: [Rally] That or they're holding a funeral. Either way, I'm going in! >Rally picked up her cellular phone and called Bean at >his car. > Tom: But unfortunately for Rally, Mr. Bean was too busy feeding his stuffed teddy. >"Bean, you saw all that?," Rally asked him. > Crow: [Bean] You mean the green toucan fighting that marmoset for a lichee nut? Mike: [Rally] Would you please turn the Discovery Channel off, we're on a stakeout! >"Everything," Bean replied. > Crow: [Bean] Yes, I see everything... um, what do you specifically mean, anyway? >"I guess we're going to be here for a while," Rally >added. > Tom: I'll take "Things Guerin Shouldn't Have His Characters Say" for $200, Alex. >"You bet," Bean said. > Tom: What's the ante? Mike: Call and raise. Crow: Mm, Fox's chocolate syrup. Yummy. [Tom and Mike stare at Crow for a moment, then shrug at resume looking at the screen.] >Rally hung up, but then the phone rang. Crow: [Rally] Must be mommy. She always calls to see how I'm doing. > She answered >it to find out that Collins was on the line. > Tom: [Collins] Rally? You saw all that? Mike: [Rally] Everything. Tom: [Collins] I guess we're going to be here for a while. Mike: [Rally] You bet. Hold, I have another call. Tom Arnold? Crow: [Tom Arnold] Yeah, you saw all that? Mike: Guess we're going to be here a while, you bet! Crow: No you bet! Mike: No you bet! Crow: You! Mike: You! Crow: You! Mike: You! Crow: You! >"I guess we're going to have to try and bust this >joint, Pussycat," Collins said. > Tom: I just love the way Pete's prompting us to imagine the sinister implications of a bunch of cars rolling into a driveway. Mike: o/~ Pussycat, pussycat, you've got a PPK, and it's okay, to fire along with you. So go and powder your cute little pussycat gun! o/~ >Rally grimaced at that. > >"For the last goddamn time, Collins, stop calling me >'Pussycat!,'" Rally yelled into the phone. > Tom: [Collins] OK, Unctuous Love Goddess of the Planet Me. >"I guess we really should book some rooms for the >night," Becky finally said. > Tom: Hey, isn't that the first time she said ANYTHING? Crow: Chelsea and May now cower in fear from the dominant "alpha mime". >"That's what I intend to do," Rally said. She drove >off, with the others following her. Mike: The awkward thing is, now they're a convoy, and they have to stake THEMSELVES out! Ha! And they laughed, because it's the reverse, of what they expected! >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Well, it's back to fanfic A. Crow: No, I think this is fanfic B. >Rally had gone to the first motel she could find, the >Lawndale Inn. Mike: Hm, Continental breakfast served 6PM to Midnight. That sounds nice! > It was one of those cheap motels where >couples who were having affairs went when they didn't want >to be noticed. Tom: Um, it's a motel... that's the FIRST place you wanna get noticed. Crow: Why? Tom: Paparazzi. Crow: Oh. > Rally, May, Becky, Bean, Chelsea, Collins >and the others booked rooms for the night. Crow: I dunno, I think even a discreet *hextuple* would tend to stand out. Tom: Pete, you've got six characters and three speaking roles! Let's please not get started on "others" right now! > After that, >Rally, May, Becky, Bean and Chelsea hit the road again. Tom: What? No attempts at character development? I'm shocked! Mike: Meanwhile, Collins has opened the $20 almonds from the mini-bar and surrendered his body to the wonder of the Magic Fingers. >They were cruising the streets of downtown Lawndale, Crow: On suicide machines? Sprung from cages on Highway Nine? > hoping >to find someone who would know what was going on. So far, >they haven't had any luck. > Mike: So, let's recap the action so far. Tom: Well, Rally doesn't know what's going on, so she hooked up with Bean, who doesn't know what's going on. Crow: Meanwhile, Daria... doesn't know what's going on, but she has Jane. Who, doesn't know... what's going on. Mike: And Kazuya! Tom: Oh, yeah, and Kazoo, hoo boy, HE doesn't have a CLUE what's going on. Crow: And a ghost dressed in lingerie made a hurricane fix some bullet holes. Mike: Good! >"Man, we need someone who's willing to spill the beans Tom: [Bean] What do you mean, 'Spilling Bean'? Is that a new sequel? >about what's going on here," Rally said to no one in >particular. > [All cough and say "Peter! Peter!" under their breath.] >Suddenly, May spotted two people on the street. > Crow: Sarah, Duchess of York, and Busta Rhymes! But why? Mike: Wow! That's the most action since the covert demolition derby on Page 15! >"Rally, why not try those two?," May said. > Tom: Why not? You just drove around downtown not doing anything but complain. >"Who?," Rally asked. > >"It looks like two girls," May answered. Mike: That's Chelsea and Becky, you idiot! Get your glasses on! > "One looks >like she's got brown hair, wearing a green field jacket, >a black pleated knee-length skirt and combat boots. [All groan and sigh.] Crow: Deep within every fanfic writer beats the frustrated heart of a costume designer/hair stylist. > The >other has black hair, wearing a red jacket, black shorts, >black pantyhose and fireman's boots." > Tom: [May] And their eyes are smaller than ours! Crow: "Fireman's Boots"? Mike: Jane watched "Backdraft" last night, and she's not taking any chances. >Rally turned the Shelby Cobra around and went in the >girls' direction. > Mike: [Rally] I LOVE fireman's boots! I must know where she gets them! Tom: The girls thought they were being stalked and ran off into an alley. >Daria and Jane heard two car approach them, then saw >them stop. Crow: They then heard grating crunch of a woman who didn't know how to use a clutch try to back up. > Rally now stepped out of her Shelby Cobra; she >was wearing her black leather jacket which had the "GUNSMITH >CATS" logo on the back, Tom: Good thing she's keeping a low profile around town. > her black leather pants and her >black leather hip-hugger boots. Mike: Jane and Daria immediately throw plastic bags of cow's blood at her. Crow: PETA Guerin? Tom: [groaning] No. > She coolly flashed her >bounty hunter's license. > Tom: Which pops out of her wallet, she bends to pick it up, and her leather pants split down the ass. >"Excuse me, ladies," Rally began, "I'm conducting an >official investigation." > Crow: Using unofficial means? Mike: No, Crow. Crow: Nuts. >Daria and Jane just stood there, dumbstruck at first. > Mike: Then at second. Tom: Then at third, and all the way home! Crow: It's an inside-the-park brain lock. >"If Ms. Li sent you to try to intimidate us about some >imaginary things she thinks we did," Tom: [Daria] Like our 'imaginary' prank calls. > Daria finally said, >"you're wasting your time." > Mike: Mm, I think if the job involves full-leather wardrobe, Ms. Li takes care of it herself. >"I don't know what you're talking about," Rally shot >back; Crow: AAAAH! [ducks] > "you're not the ones being investigated." > Tom: [Rally] I bristle at your ignorance! May! Get the sock with the orange in it! >"Then what in Sam Hill do you want with us?," Jane >asked. > Crow: Hey, Hank Hill's brother, in a cameo! Mike: [Rally] Um... I don't know. Sorry about that, bye! >"First let me introduce myself," Rally said. [All growl resentfully. Tom makes little threatening barking noises.] Crow: Oh, why not? You've only introduced yourselves about a dozen frelling times already! Tom: And a long Ratliff-esque introduction scene begins... > "I'm >Rally Vincent, bounty hunter from Chicago. Mike: [Rally] I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum! We're just hanging until one of those two opportunities presents itself. > The ladies in >the Shelby Cobra are my associates Minnie-May Hopkins and >Becky Farra. Tom: Their mouths have been sewn shut with chicken wire! > Those in the red car are my friends Bean >Bandit and Chelsea Grimwood." > Mike: [Daria] YOU know Trisha Yearwood? Cool! >"OK," Daria replied; "I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and >that's Jane Lane." > Crow: [Daria] My recent death threats incline me to trust strangers with guns! >"Nice to meet you," replied Rally. "The reason why >we're here is that we've heard rumors that the Lawndale >Militia has been resurrected. Crow: Their evidence? A shroud with a picture of a Kalishnikov on it. Mike: Agent Thomas said he doubted it, but we showed'em the nail holes, and he's repented. > We had busted a smuggling >ring back in Chicago that involved members of a Japanese >yakuza and some militiamen. Tom: And a whole truckload of black market yellowfin tuna! > We decided to have the >weapons sent to their destination so we could find out >who was getting them. Crow: [Daria] After first violating the integrity of the gun barrels, rendering them useless, right? Mike: [Rally] Um... yeah. Useless. > We traced them right to the Lawndale >Gun Club." > Mike: What would a gun club want with third-rate Eastern weaponry, anyway? Tom: Mike, when you're in a militia, they ENCOURAGE you to use vintage weapons! >"Those bastards lied to us!," Daria said to Jane. > Mike: Well, the first rule of Gun Club *is* you don't talk about Gun Club. Crow: Darnit, if you can't trust traitorous, kill-crazed villains, who *can* you trust?!? >"Were you there just now?," Rally asked. > >"Just a little while ago," Jane replied. > Mike: [Rally] Did they have stupid-sounding names that rhyme? >Trent, who had entered the local music shop to get some >more guitar strings, stepped out. > Crow: And was instantly shot by Rally. Mike: [Rally] He had guitar strings! He was obviously a hitman! >"Hey, Janey, Daria, who are these people?," Trent >asked. > Tom: [Jane] Some minor anime and manga characters. Oh, and I think the one is leather is Liz Taylor, trying vainly to be "hip". >"They say they're investigating the Lawndale Militia, >Trent," Jane answered. > Tom: [Jane] And even though they're toting guns and looking really freaky, we trust them completely! >"Cool," was Trent's reply. > Mike: The counterculture of the underground has a high respect for authority. >"Oh, that's my brother Trent," Jane mentioned to Rally. > Crow: [Jane] He's on his herbal medication right now, if you catch my pot? >"We were going to attempt a raid on the Lawndale Gun >Club tonight," Rally said; Tom: [Rally] Then maybe hit Shenanigans, do a party-out-of-bounds thing with the Feds. You wanna? > "we might need you to point some >people out." > Crow: [Daria] This picture is my third grade teacher, Mrs. Baker. This one's not me, it's Janeane Garafalo. This one's me, mom, dad, my Aunt Amy, my cousins Steve and Lucy, and for some reason, Mexican President Vincente Fox. >"If we went in there and they didn't tell us anything," Crow: [Daria] Even though we only talked to just ONE guy named Arm & Hammer. >Daria said, "what makes you so sure you can get something >out of this?" > Mike: [Rally] We circulate photos of you talking, and let their peer group do the rest. >"We've got the ATF along with us," Rally replied; Tom: [Daria] I fail to see the benefit in that. >"they're busy getting search warrants out now." > Mike: [Rally] Which means we don't need you at all, but I've never endangered a minor before! Seems like fun! >"Very well," Daria said, "it looks like we're heading >back to the gun club." > Tom: [Daria] Danger is an anagram of my middle name. >"If all of you could just follow us back to our motel >rooms, we can get down to business," Rally said. > Tom: Bucka-*WOW*! Crow: And Pete delivers some hot babe on babe action! Thank you, Peter! Mike: This is why I can't take you two anywhere. Crow: And just where is there to go up here, anyway? >Daria, Jane and Trent went into Trent's car and then >followed the others back to the Lawndale Inn. Mike: [Rally] Wait, we have to stop off first and get- [stops to count] uh, one, two, three? Three 33-gallon trash bags! Unless you guys brought some with you. Probably too much to hope for. Tom: Let's get some rest of our own. [The bots and Mike stand and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow all stand behind the command console. All three are wearing black judicial robes and powered wigs.] Tom: Mike? Can you explain what the heck we're doing again? Mike: Well, I got an inspiration from today's story... [The bots stare warily at Mike and begin to scoot away.] Crow: You're not going to lecture us about the Judicial system, are you? Tom: Mike, we've been watching MSNBC and Laura Ingraham talked all about it. Mike: No, I was going to.. Crow: Oh no. You're going to try and make a letter bomb then. Tom: Mike, I used all the plastique last week... Mike: No! Listen, it's very simple. When Peter mentioned those common law courts, I thought it might be fun to hold one of our own! Crow: You mean we're supposed to emulate something used by kooks to terrorize innocent citizens and make their lives into a living hell? Mike: Well, yes... Tom: Cool! Crow: I'm in! Mike: Oh. Well, let's get started then. Okay, generally, these common law courts take someone they dislike and file a phony judgment against them. Crow: Oh, you mean like claiming that they owe $25,000 in unpaid taxes? Mike: Yep. Except that's not really funny, so I thought we could give them more appropriate punishments. I'm going to start off with my ex-girlfriend Cindy. Crow: You mean the one who dumped you for that NFL Linebacker? Mike: No, that was Vicki. Tom: The one who dumped you for that dot-com multimillionaire? Mike: No, that was Sharon. Crow: The one who dumped you for me? Mike: No, that was Ginger. Tom: Oh, then it's the one who threw you over for the guy in the rock band, right? Mike: Yep, that's her. I feel - Tom: Ah, you're here to remind her of the mess she left when she went away. Mike: Well, I - Crow: And that it's not fair to deny you the cr- Mike: C'mon, guys, no Alanis refs. Crow: [giggling] Sorry, Mike. Mike: Yeah, well anyway - for desertion and breach of promise, as well as for keeping my Hall & Oates collection, not to mention my keyboard, I hereby issue a court order against Cindy coming within 50 yards of Sam Goody's. Tom: Just like that? Mike: Just like that. Tom: Wow! Oooh, I wanna file a complaint against Fox Studios, Fox TV, and FX! Mike: Okay. What are the charges, Mr. Servo? Tom: Well, for starters, there's Gross Negligence in allowing 5 minutes of every "MASH" rerun to be ineptly cut; Reckless Programming, as evidenced by replacing Mulder with the T-1000; and Endangering Public Safety and Sanity, aka Herzogosity, via regularly showing "World's Most Dangerous Animals" "Son of the Beach" and "Toughman Competition". Mike: Granted. Tom: Therefore, Fox is hereby remanded into the custody of Homer Simpson, and is ordered to replace Calista Flockhart with Kathy Bates, post-haste! Crow: Okay, my turn. *ahem* For overwhelming incompetence and sheer arrogance, I hereby sentence the major news anchors to be locked in a room with Katherine Harris and Bill Daley until their brains turn to mush. Mike: I like that one. Okay, for the crime of kidnapping the Star Trek franchise and running it into the ground, I find Rick Berman guilty and order him to be locked in a room with hundreds of angry "J/C" fanfiction writers. Crow: Hey, I know! Tom: What? Crow: Dig this. Stephen Brian Ratliff, for the high crimes of Grand Mary Sue-ism, ageism, storyline neglect, assault with a deadly plot device, and myspeeling in the first degree, you are hereby ordered to retain the duties of ASC FAQ-master for the rest of your natural life, plus you have to have lunch with Erika Flores's lawyer, whom I suspect will have several questions for you, you no-talent, misspelling hack who couldn't find a coherent plot line with your own two hands. Tom: [snickering] I like it! In the same vein - Dr. Thinker, you've been found guilty of maliciously mangling the English language, storyline obfuscation, and causing readers to blow several synapses trying to unscramble your syntax, your computer is hereby confiscated until you pass at least one remedial grammar course. Plus, you have to listen to the Dubya's collected speeches, you incomprehensible buffoon. Mike: Okay, no more beating around the bush! Tom: Ouch! Mike: Uh, so to speak. Okay. You stand guilty, Peter W. Guerin! Crow: Yes! Of Chronic Overexplanation! Tom: Of Trivial Obsession! Mike: Of Ramapant Japanophilia! Tom: Of complete cluelessness, vis a vis characterization! Crow: Of the complete death of tension! Mike: And of crossing over completely incompatible series without a license! Tom: You're sentenced to - um - geez, I can't think of anything suitable. Crow: Hmmm - oh! I got it! Hahahahaha, I got it! Mike: What? Crow: Pete Guerin, you are sentenced... [pause] Tom: Yeah? Yeah? Mike: Go on! Crow: You are sentenced to - to READ THE COLLECTED WORKS OF STEPHEN RATLIFF AND DOC THINKER!!!! [long pause] Mike: BRILLIANT! Tom: JUSTICE IS SERVED! All: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! [As the trio laughs, Gypsy dashes in frantically.] Gypsy: Mike, Mike! There's another ship closing in on the Satellite! Mike: Wha? Cambot, give me Rocket #9! [The view shifts to the outside of the SoL, where a space shuttle has pulled up next to the Satellite.] [Interior] Gypsy: There's something coming in on the Hexfield! [The Hexfield opens to reveal a pair of young men, one dressed in a bright yellow trenchcoat, the other looking remarkably like a bespectacled Brad Pitt. Both look rather annoyed.] [SoL] Bots: Uh-oh. Mike: [Nervously] Heh-heh. Steve. Doc. We were just talking about you. Stephen: [coldly] Yes. We heard. Tom: So, er, what brings you up here? Stephen: Well, my colleagues and I were discussing your predicament the other day... Doc T: We yes rellzed your are lifeing near introllable condemnation, traipsed there amnog up the stairs, and see forceing bad movyies. [Beneath Dr. Thinker appears the subtitled translation: "Yes, we realized that you must be living in nearly intolerable conditions trapped up there amongst the stars and forced to watch horrible movies."] Stephen: And so we decided to borrow this shuttle from NASA in an effort to rescue you. Mike: So, you're here to take us home? Doc T: We well wer go to turn back to you docimile on here Erth. ["Well, we *were* going to return you back to your domicile on Earth."] Stephen: But then we saw that last little sketch. Mike: Oh, that. Crow: We were just joking, guys. Tom: Yeah. Joking. Stephen: Oh, we know. Even a no-talent, misspelling hack like myself knows that. Even if I couldn't find a coherent plot line with my own two hands. Doc T: And in incomercing buff on liek I no its it is curl keeping in peron captivy. ["And an incomprehensible buffoon like me knows that its cruel to keep a person in captivity."] Mike: Heh-heh. You're not going to rescue us are you? Authors: Nope. Stephen: Pete? We're going home! Peter: [O.S.] Hang on! I still have a few pages left to fax! Stephen: [Sigh] Fire up the rockets, Doc. Doc T: KAA. Hmm not incomercing, I am I? ["A-okay. Hrmph. I am not incomprehensible, am I?"] Stephen: Uh huh. And then what? Doc T: See Miek? Rebit chims? Stefan argues me. ["See, Mike? Robot pals? Stephen agrees with me."] [The Hexfield closes. The bots stare at Mike, who looks rather sheepish.] Mike: Whoops. Crow: You are so dead, Nelson. Tom: Grrr... [The lights begin to flash.] Mike: Heh. It looks like we've got Guerin sign, guys. Isn't that great? Crow: You are still so dead, Nelson. Tom: Grrr... [Mike, looking quite uneasy, hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters. The bots are still growling.] Mike: I mean, come on. There'll be another rescue attempt! Heck, a year from now, we'll probably be in some efficiency apartment in Minnesota! Crow: Your death approaches, Nelson. Tom: Grr... >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 3: A Passage to Greenwood >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: A Merchant-Ivory-MTV production. Mike: Those disclaimers about Merchant-Ivory ought to be along any second now... >It was about ten o'clock at the Lawndale Gun Club. Crow: AM? PM? Your vote could make the difference! >Bill Giroux and the other members of the Lawndale Militia >were inspecting the weapons they had just received. Mike: Christmas just isn't the same since Santa moved to the Black Hills of South Dakota. > Bill >was pretty impressed with the selection. > Crow: Apparently, those Chinese peashooters are a big "in" thing down at the gun club. >"This one," Bill said as he was holding up a Sagger, >"is going right through the bedroom window of that >Morgendorffer bitch!" > Tom: [Bill] I wonder if she'll appreciate the idea of being blown up with a very expensive anti-air missile. Crow: [Daria] Oh, how thoughtf-AAAAAAAAAAH! >The room where Bill and the others were echoed with >laughter. > Mike: Thanks to the comedic styling of Tom Green. Crow: And the Shadow shows up to take care of the Gun Club. >What they didn't know was that Rally, May, Bean, >Chelsea, Collins, Daria, Trent and Jane had snuck back to >the gun club compound. They were just outside the >buildings. Tom: [snickering] All the bad guys hired Bill Richardson to head security! > Rally took a credit card out and was trying to >open the door. > Tom: He'd already maxed out his Platinum Visa trying, and was now trying the Diner's Club. >"If what we think is going on is right," Rally >whispered, "we've got to nip this in the bud." > Mike: Yeah, attack now that you've let them arm themselves to the teeth. Good plan. Crow: [Barney Fife] Got to *nip* it, *in*, the *bud*! >Rally got the door opened. She and the others now >entered silently. Mike: They now decided to enter into the hallway. Tom: They now entered the hallway. Crow: They now decided to do the polka. Tom: They now did the polka. > Rally had her gun drawn, ready for >action. Tom: Rally Vincent IS glue gun woman! > Silence hung throughout the room like black crepe. Mike: Silence was a Halloween party decoration? >They all went down the hallway. Mike: Seeing as how there was nothing on the walls but Winslow Homer paintings. > When they reached the end, >Rally took a look around the corner. Crow: [whispering] Hey, Willie and the Poor Boys are playing! Lend a nickel, tap your feet! > She saw Bill and the >other Militiamen inspecting their weapons. > Tom: And seeing how they were Chinese weapons, they triple-padded the room and handled the weapons from behind a bulletproof window. >"My God!," Rally whispered, "we've hit the mother >lode!" > Crow: [Rally] Damn, I never thought a gun club could ever have GUNS! Tom: Yep, this is one mother of a load, all right! >Suddenly, two other Militiamen who were just returning >from the men's room noticed Rally and the others. > [Mike rests his head against his hand and shakes his head.] Mike: Yes, militiamen always take a bathroom break between guard shifts. >"INTRUDERS!," screamed one of them; "KILL THEM!" > Tom: STOP THE HUMANOID! Mike: This scene's as well-orchestrated as a Marcia Clark prosecution. >Bill and the others heard the scream; they ran out with >their guns. > Crow: [childish militia man] I wanna be first to die! Mike: [similar] No way, loser, it's my turn to die this time! Mom said I could! >Rally knew their cover had been blown; [All snicker.] Tom: Gosh, what was the first clue? > now it was time >to take action. She got her gun and fired point blank at >the nearest Militiaman; he fell down like lead. > Mike: Others fell like manganese, bismuth, neptunium, tungsten... Crow: [militia, death rattle] Ergh- of course! Shooting the gun! Why didn't I think of that? Ooooh... >The Lawndale Militia now returned fire. Mike: [militiamen] Oh, right! To kill someone, you point and pull! > Rally, May and >the others were now running for cover. > Tom: Tom Servo now looks for a trash compactor to jump in. >"Son of a bitch!," Rally yelled; "they blew our cover, [All try and fail to suppress their cackling.] Crow: It's true. They tattled. Couldn't plan for that. No one's fault really. Just one of those things. >and now we're outnumbered!" > Tom: [Rally] Our plan of wishing ourselves invisible failed! Let's hope our sincere prayers for bullet-proof skin are enough to carry us through! >One of the Militiamen saw Daria and ran for her, taking >out a Bowie knife. Crow: Anthony's at it AGAIN? > Daria stood her ground, and when he was >close enough, kicked him in the testicles with her Doc >Martins boots. Mike: Oh-ho, good! I was wondering if Pete would have any crotch-kicking in this one. > The Militiaman fell down, howling in pain. > Tom: [militia, whining] Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I can't even pull my gun now. Just go, Mrs. Bad Person, oh. >Rally exchanged gunfire with several more Militiamen. >They fell down dead. > Mike: The militiamen or Rally's group? Tom: I dunno. >"WE NEED BACK-UP PRONTO!," Collins was shrieking in his >walkie-talkie. > Crow: Oh you do not! You're killing anyone who even looks at you cross-eyed! Tom: Yeah, quit whining! >Bill now got out his AK-47 and began to fire wildly. Tom: Committing fratricide more than several times. >Bean got out his rifle and fired, just missing his head. > Tom: Missing *whose* head? Crow: Ummmmm - yes. Tom: Thanks. >Several more ATF agents had now stormed into the >building. > >"Aim for the head!," Bill shouted; "that's what G. >Gordon Liddy advises!" > Tom: [Bill] After that, we can all take the fall for Nixon! Mike: [Militiaman] Wait, ain't he the guy whut holds his arms over open flames? Tom: [Bill] Never mind that now, son, just keep firing! >"We've got to end this before this gets out of >control," Rally told May. > Crow: [Rally] We're killing far too many! It'll look bad on "Nightline"! >Instinctively, May opened her jacket and took out a >grenade. > Tom: And reducing her cup size down to a "B". Mike: Ten bucks to anyone who can find a logical link between those last two sentences. >"Aim for those crates of TNT there, May," Rally >instructed her. > Crow: Yeah, way to keep things under control, ladies! Mike: Three sentences. >May pulled the pin and tossed the grenade at the boxes. >It fell right on top on one box. When it went off, it set >off a chain reaction. > Mike: Immediately, Keanu Reeves jumped on his scooter and made tracks! Crow: Normally I'd ask why this is a good thing, but if killing everyone ends the story, OK. >"NO!," Bill yelled. > Tom: [Bill] My soufflé! >"Anyone who can, run for it!," shouted someone; "only a >fool fights in a burning house!" > Mike: Oh, thank you Captain Kang. Tom: Soon, only Adam Sandler was left. Shadow boxing. And losing. Crow: Did he say this as pieces of him flew in a hundred different directions? >Indeed, the place was now in flames. > Mike: [Bill] Darn, the three crates of TNT have caused a minor trash fire! Armand! Get the baking soda! >"It won't be long before this whole place goes!," >Collins said; "We better get out of here!" > Crow: Three crates of TNT, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: You forget, these are cartoon characters. Dynamite's not that big a deal. Mike: May probably swallowed a stick for fun. >"Unless you want to become human hot dogs," Daria >added. > Tom: Human Hot Dogs, by Ballpark. Crow: That sounds good. Say Mike, can Servo and I set off three crates of TNT and cook some hot dogs? Mike: *NO*, you can't set off three crates of TNT to cook some hot dogs! Tom: He's right, Crow. Let's use four and do some brauts! Crow: Cool! >Everyone left the blazing facility in a hurry. Just as >Daria, Jane and Trent left, the whole place exploded. > Tom: Hm. The TNT must've reached that can of seltzer water that fell off the table. Mike: Or the stash of pop rocks. >"Get them, if you can!," Collins ordered sharply at one >of the uniformed ATF agents. > Crow: [Collins] Save democracy, unless it's too hard! >"Right!," the agent responded. He took several others >with him in the direction of the hills surrounding the club. > Crow: Where they had a cookout and made smores and weenies and told ghost stories. Mike: [Collins] Maybe we should've surrounded the house. Nah, I shouldn't second-guess myself like that. Not healthy. >"Did you get a good look at them?," Collins asked >Daria. > Mike: [Rally] What was playing on their CD player? Crow: [May] Did they have any ducks? Tom: [Bean] Daria, what's Vietnam? >"Quite a few did look familiar," Daria confessed; "but >the leader doesn't look that familiar." > Tom: [Daria] He was semi-familiar. He had the body of Oddjob, and the face of Patrick Stewart. Crow: [Collins] Weird... >"I think I know him," Collins said; Mike: [Collins] After all, I took a good look at him. Tom: [Daria] Then why did you ask me? Mike: [Collins] Shut up and let me talk! > "I think that was >Bill Giroux. Mike: Son of Captain Kan. > He used to head a local unit of the Montana >Freemen. Crow: Lawndale never really struck me as "Big Sky" country, exactly. Tom: Is that a football team? Mike: No, Tom. > He was once arrested for threatening some Bureau >of Land Management officials who were conducting some >environmental surveys on his property. Mike: They were push-polling ferrets! I'd be pretty irritated too! > The charges, >however, were thrown out due to lack of evidence." > Mike: The surveyors *could* have had their stomachs repeatedly pierced with twelve-gage fire due to peer pressure. >Daria felt a chill down her spine. Tom: Ah, summer in San Francisco. > The news was true. Crow: MTV had changed her time slot yet again. >The Lawndale Militia had indeed returned. > Mike: She wasn't sure, but the firefight and massive explosions *might* have been a clue. Tom: Another crossover was surely on the way. >Soon some Lawndale Fire Department trucks pulled up to >the scene. Tom: [firemen] Hey! We heard you guys had a Coors party ball! Mike: [same] Wanna see our calendar? Let me take off my shirt. > The flames were soon put out. Crow: Except in alt.troll where things were still toasty. >------------------------------------------------------------ >The next morning, after the rubble had cooled down, Crow: -Betty accepted Wilma's apology. >Collins was sifting through the debris. Mike: [Collins] I swear. Rally? Are you sure you lost your contact here? > Rally, May, Bean, >Chelsea, Daria, Jane and Trent were with him. Tom: Oh, it's that very special "Eight is Enough" when Tommy found that box of "strike anywhere" matches. Mike: Nah, not nearly that good. > He stopped >and noticed something interesting. Tom: Not in this story he didn't. > He picked up a charred >piece of wood. Crow: [Collins] "DM luvs TL" What the heck does *that* mean?!? > He brushed it off and examined it. > Tom: [Collins] Croatoan? >"This is the break we've been looking for," Collins >calmly announced. > Mike: [Collins] It's a femur! This proves Piltdown Man wasn't a hoax! >"What do you mean?," Jane asked him. > >"You see these kanakaji markings?," Collins asked her. > Tom: Can of coffee markings? Like "Chock Full O'Nuts" or "Yuban"? >"Just barely," was Jane's response. > >"These are the markings for the Tezuka yakuza in >Japan," Collins said. Crow: Tezuka yakuza, the Japanese version of "unique New York"! Mike: [Collins] And I should know since all ATF agents speak fluent Japanese! > "The Tezuka yakuza is one of the >most ruthless criminal cartels in Japan. Mike: [Collins] But on the other hand, they have one of the most fun names to say over and over. All: [as a tongue twister] Tezuka yakuza, Tezuka yakuza, Tezuka yakuza... > It's headed >by someone named Nagisa Tezuka; Mike: Ah! The fanfics are crossing the streams! > she's one of very few >women who are yakuza leaders over there." > Crow: She's broken through the glass severed horse's head. >"Just how ruthless is she?," Daria asked. > Crow: [Carson] I tell ya, she is so ruthless, she steals the empty coffee cups from beggars for the free refills at 7-11. I mean, that's ruthless. Tom: [McManon] HEYOOOH! >"She makes Leona Helmsley look like Mother Theresa," >Collins said grimly. > Crow: So, she's like Streisand then? >"In other words, you should make sure your insurance is >paid up before you tangle with her," Jane added. > Tom: And make sure you've got the co-pay. Mike: Speaking of which, I'll interrupt here to bring you a message from Geico Direct. [The cash register again goes KA-CHING!] >"This situation now has international implications," >Collins said. Mike: All because of that board? Crow: [Daria] Actually, it kinda already did. Tom: [Collins] Okay, it now has international implications which dovetail nicely with the plot. Happy? > "Given your recent experiences over in >Japan during the Neo-Zero incident, I hereby deputize >the three of you for the duration of this investigation." [Stunned silence] Crow: Oh no. Not again. Tom: Mike? Can we read one fanfic series where teenagers aren't placed in a position of authority far beyond their years? Mike: In fanfic, I don't think that's possible. >He then pointed at Daria, Jane and Trent. Tom: [Collins] Pull my finger! > "You will >accompany me to Japan, where I will continue this >investigation." > Mike: [Collins] I'm sure the Japanese authorities don't mind me coming over without calling in advance. Tom: The ATF has somewhat more sweeping authority than I would have expected. Crow: Remember, Japan was almost conquered by a single plane, so it makes sense one career bureaucrat could walk in and pretty much take over. >"You can't be serious?," Daria said. > Mike: You'd think so, wouldn't you? >"I am," Collins replied, "and I just did." > Crow: What? We're in Japan now? Wow, that was fast! >"My parents aren't going to be too thrilled about us >leaving for Japan again so soon," Daria pointed out. > Tom: Hey, if teenagers from Mercersburg can go to Japan to battle an Endgame scenario with super powers without worrying about their parents wetting 'em, then these people can too. >"Well, it's their problem now, isn't it?," Collins shot >back. > Crow: AAAAH! [ducks] Tom: So they've basically just drafted them? Mike: Why not - she's already got the combat boots. >The ATF agents who were searching for the Lawndale >Militia returned. > >"We lost them," one of them said. > Crow: We found this Godot guy lurking out in the bushes though. >"They must be making their way to Japan, I figure", >Collins replied. Mike: Evidence schmevidence! We'll just change settings and they'll be there! Crow: [sighs] This is lacks the sly believability of "Cop and a Half". > He then turned to Daria and said, "We're >going to go over to your house and explain the situation >to your parents." > Tom: [Collins, sinister] Bwha-ha. BWHA-HA HA HA HA- oh wait, that maniacal laughter was supposed to be internal. Sorry. >Daria just shook her head in disbelief. Mike: [downcast] Believe me, kid. It doesn't help. >------------------------------------------------------------ >When they got to Daria's house, Jake and Helen weren't >too thrilled to hear what Collins had just did. > Tom: [Helen] Well, I smell a lawsuit. A *big* one. Crow: [Jake] YOU DRAFTED MY DAUGHTER?!? Gack! Having...heart...attack... Tom: [Helen] make that *two* lawsuits. >"WHAT!," Helen roared out, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" > Mike: Well, he can if he ignores that pesky 13th Amendment. >"It isn't like we have a choice in this matter, Mom," >Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] The author's suspended the Bill of Rights. Mike: On the plus side, this'll probably count towards Trent's community service. >"And what about Jane and Trent's parents?," Helen said. >"You can't speak for them." > Crow: And if you start charades, I will pinch you SO hard... >"We've already sent agents over to inform them of our >actions," Collins replied. Tom: If it's anything like that National Guard, it'll be a singing telegram set to "Barracuda". > "And we know all about your >legal experience, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Mike: They must have seen that Helen's guest spot on "The Practice". > If you try to pull >the legal book on us, we'll see to it you'll spend a long >time in jail for hindering a Federal investigation, not to >mention having you disbarred." > Crow: Ah. The "jack-booted thug" school of debate. Tom: Apparently, there's no place in law enforcement for enforcing the law! Mike: Gee, Daria, why don't you call your good friend *President Gore* and complain? >That last statement shut Helen up. > Crow: Nah, she's just doing her Chelsea impression. It's really hysterical! >"Well, now that you put it that way--" Jake began to >say. > >"SHUT UP, JAKE!," Helen yelled at him. > >"Yes, Dear!," Jake replied meekly. > Mike: Helen and Jake Lockhorn, ladies and gents. >Quinn, who was also present, Tom: -as evidenced by this line she's about to deliver,... > then said, "While you're >at it, could you perhaps forge some birth certificates >proving that Daria isn't related to me?" > Mike: [snickers] Does she think "ATF" stands for "Any Time Forgery"? >Collins shot back, Crow: AAAAAH! [ducks] > "Who asked you, sister!" > Crow: [Quinn] Sister. Oh, ha ha ha, no, she's, um, my cousin. Mike: That doesn't actually fit with the previous line, does it? Tom: Well, it is proper etiquette to refrain from making lame illogical forgery requests unless prompted. >Rally now stood up, wearing one of her usual business >suits that featured a miniskirt. Mike: Guaranteeing that she'll be taken seriously. > "For what it's worth," >she began to say, Crow: [Rally] Stop, what's that sound? Everybody! Look what's going round! > "they'll be all right with me. I've got >over twenty years experience in this business. Mike: [Rally] And I've caught three, maybe four people in that time! Crow: [Becky] I thought you said you were thirty-two. Mike: [Rally] Shut up, Becky. > They won't >get into any trouble on my watch." > Tom: [Rally] See? It's digital, and has an alarm and everything! >"Cool," Trent purred. > Tom: Errr, Mike, I don't like where this is going. >"It looks like we really don't have a choice in this >matter," Helen now admitted. > Mike: Nope, kiss the Bill of Rights and the Constitution goodbye! Tom: [Collins] Yes, now DANCE! DANCE for your master! Bwah-hah-hah- oh damn! I'm voicing my internal fantasies out loud again! What's wrong with me today? >"We're going to take the next flight to Tokyo right >away," Collins said. Tom: [Collins] I already booked a TWA flight! Mike & Crow: We're doomed. > "I assure you that your daughter and >her friends will be OK." > Crow: [Collins] Their bodies will come back in perfect condition! You won't believe how well our flesh-colored spackle covers the bullet holes! >Collins motioned to one of the plainclothes AFT agents >to get the car warmed up. > [All snicker.] Tom: AFT, A Favorite Toadie! Mike: It's important for any team to know who's at the very, very bottom of the pecking order. Crow: [Collins] Oh, and while you're at it, there's an unwrapped hard candy in the glove compartment that needs prying off. And pick all the sesame seeds off my Big Mac! >"I'm going to be OK, Mom, Dad," Daria said. > >Helen couldn't take it anymore, she ran up to Daria, >hugged her and began to cry. > Mike: [explosion] *BUG-GOOM!!* Crow: [Collins] Hm, another car bomb. Figures. OK, who's next for car warming duty? >"I thought we had put this behind us," Helen began >to sob. > Tom: [Helen] The fake letter bomb seemed to indicate their hearts just weren't in it! >"I know, I know," Daria said. Some other ATF agents >had brought down Daria's bags. > Tom: The agents packed four bags of lacy silk undergarments. Crow: One from Quinn's room. Tom: Two from Jake! >"We'd better get going now," Collins said. Daria, >Jane and Trent now got up and joined the others outside. > Mike: [waving] Bye guys! Send me a postcard when you get to Hell! >"Be careful, Daria," Helen said to herself. > Mike: [cautioning] And don't drink the water! It'll just spurt out of your belly wounds like a fountain! Crow: [Helen, mocking Daria] I'll be OK, mom! Pff! What baloney! >Jake and Quinn put their hands on Helen's shoulders, >trying to console her. Mike: [Jake] She'll be okay, hon. Tom: [Quinn] Can I have her room? Crow: For all you Civics or law students at home, why not amuse yourselves by counting the number of civil liberties violated in the preceding scene? The answer at the end of our story. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Once again, it was a long flight for Daria to Tokyo. Mike: She must be flying United. Crow: [terrorist] ALLAH AKBAR! Sing Cat Stevens and take this plane to the great Lawndale football game! >Just like last time, she didn't have an easy go of it. Tom: My look of surprise is out being dry-cleaned. Otherwise, I swear I'd be wearing it. > She >got off the plane disheveled, Mike: Yes, a lot can happen to your hair when you go on a plane. > gripping her stomach as the >airline food was doing a number on her again. > Mike: [Daria, in agony] Oooo, I didn't know White Castle made honey-roasted peanuts. >"God, how many times do I have to keep doing this?," >Daria was saying to herself. Crow: As many as you keep taking airline food. Sheesh, don't eat it if it's THAT bad! Stick with water! No wait, better not. > She had just gotten to the >customs declaration area Tom: Oh-ho, good, an airport scene! I was beginning to feel homesick! > when it seemed Rally was having a >rather heated argument with one of the officers. > Mike: [Rally] Janeway's way cooler than Sisko! Crow: [Customs] In your dreams, girlie-fan! >"I'm sorry, Ma'am," the officer was saying, "but Japan >has rather strict gun control laws." Mike: [Officer] And this doctor's note? The one that says, "Please allow Rally Vincent to carry a gun, as she suffers from 'Firearm Deprivation Anxiety'"? It's written on airline stationary! > He was holding up >Rally's CZ-75 9 mm Parabellum automatic and examining it. > Tom: [officer] A Czech gun? Wuss. We use crummy American Liberator pistols! Crow: [officer] Hey, what comes out of this long metal tube? I'll just look down the tube here... >Collins raced ahead of Daria and spoke to the officer. > Mike: [Collins] You the one giving the free Digimon action toys? >"She's with me," Collins began to say as he took out >his ATF identification. "I'm Special Agent Bill Collins >of the United States Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and >Firearms. Crow: [Collins] Reminding you, don't drink and shoot. Or is it don't get stoned and shoot? Or maybe don't drink and get stoned? > We're here on an official investigation. Mike: [Collins] We've heard that the King of England has been housing troops in Japanese homes! > We have >a special Federal permit to carry these weapons." Tom: And if they were in America, that might mean something. > He >produced a piece of paper. "If you have any doubts about >the authenticity of this, you can contact our embassy." > Crow: [Collins] Ask for Mr.PaymeamillionorI'llblowupyourembassy. >The officer examined the license. Finally, he said, Mike: [customs] This allows you to go spear fishing in Michigan. >"I owe you an apology then, Sir, Ma'am." Tom: [officer] I'm sorry I'm just doing my job and being stupid enough to let you through just 'cause you're American law-enforcers! > He put Rally's >gun back in her suitcase and waved them through. > Mike: [Customs] It's OK! Their blood lust was stamped by the notary public! >Daria was rather impressed with what she just saw. > Tom: Impressed, distressed, depressed, whatever. Crow: [Daria] I should show my American gun license next time I bring my assault rifles to Canada! >"Geeze, if I knew that all it took to get guns through >to Japan was a Federal permit," Daria began to say, "I would >have applied for one a long time ago." > [All cackle hysterically.] Crow: Daria's lifelong ambition has always been to run guns in the far east. Mike: There are so many levels of wrong to that paragraph, you need string to find your way back. Tom: So if the smugglers have a permit, this is all a big waste of time? Mike: No, I think we can safely take any and all conditionals off that statement. >"That's the privilege of being a Federal agent," >Collins said to her. Tom: That and the free corndogs. > "Right now, we'd better go to the >hotel where we booked our rooms." > Crow: Macaroon Sherbet Nacodoches Dominoes was all about airports. This one's all about hotel reservations. Mike: These signs of growth are always encouraging. >"Your stomach settling down there yet, Daria?," Jane >asked her. > Tom: [Collins] We're staying at Tokyo's Disney World. >"No," Daria replied, "and I doubt that even the good >old 'Plop-Plop-Fizz-Fizz' would help me now." Suddenly, she >farted. > All: Ew! Tom: Ah, cartoon farts - your sign of a classy story. Mike: Beavis and Butthead have possessed Jane and Daria! >"PHEW!," Jane replied. > >"Oh, God," Daria now said; "this is even worse than >when I threw up at the Mall of the Millennium."* > Tom: [despairing] This is worse than *being force-fed worms through a strainer*! Mike: This is worse than seeing your grandmother in a porn flick! Crow: This is worse than "The Michael Richards Show"! Mike: Whoa-ho! Let's not say anything we can't take back here. >*Daria did just that on the "Malled" episode.--"Blue >Light Special" Peter. > Tom: Yes, extend the fart references! You're only thirteen for six years! >"Well, if you need to, the ladies' room is over there," >Jane remarked. > >Suddenly, Daria's stomach turned for the worse, and she >bolted right for the ladies' room. > Mike: Well, that's only fair - *my* stomach's turned as it is! >"Talk about my excellent timing," Jane wryly commented. Crow: Sadly, this is the high point of the fanfic. Mike: Let's talk about something less disgusting. Like how cows are artificially inseminated. Tom: You know how some frogs change their gonads in response to an absence of the opposite sex? Maybe Pete's theory is, repulsive scenes become funny when there's no other humor around. >------------------------------------------------------------ > >When they got to the hotel where they were going to >stay, everyone entered the front lobby and headed for the >desk. > Tom: [Rally] I call dibs on the first room! Crow: [Jane] Nuh-uh! I want the one closer to the pool! Mike: [Collins] I do what I want, so I'll take it! >"Hello," Collins began, "I was the one who booked the >rooms for the ATF." > Crow: [Collins] I reserved them under the name "Bill I'm-not-an-Undercover-ATF-Agent-So-Don't-Even-ask"? Mike: [Desk clerk] Oh yeah - one room, government rates, 27 extra cots, right? >"Of course," the man at the desk replied. He lead >Collins and the others to their rooms. However, Daria >did a double take when she realized that the "rooms" were >actually cubicle-like sleeping alcoves. > Tom: And their "full baths" were eight-ounce bottles of Dinsana! Mike: Still, it was better than any Econo-Lodge. >"Who do they think we are, Jane, sardines?," Daria >said in dismay. > Crow: I could go for some smoked Daria on a Triscuit right now. Tom: Oo, I like the Jane in mustard sauce with a little bacon on top! Crow: Yummers! >"I guess they had Charlie the Tuna do the designing >of this place," Jane added. > Crow: It must've been quite a shark to the system. Tom: Well, it's giving me a splitting haddock. Mike: I wish you'd stop doing this just for the halibut. >"Quit your griping," Collins said. "Hotels like this >are pretty popular here in Japan." > Mike: So's 98 Degrees. I wouldn't spend a night in them either. Tom: [Collins] Now, let's go out for a big meal of whale intestines. >"I doubt that it would play well in Peoria, though," >Daria said sarcastically.* > Tom: Oh, quit whining! At least you don't live in a big space bone! >*That last line is a tip of the hat to my good friend >C. E. Forman's hometown.--Peter "I bombed in Boston" Guerin. > Crow: So consider yourself tipped, C.E. Tom: And a shout out to my homies in Lawndale, too! >"Get used to it," Collins said. "Might as well get >settled in." > Crow: [Collins] I'm going to get some gills implanted, wanna come? >Daria climbed up the ladder to one of the upper alcoves Mike: -where she met Tom Hulce, as the voice of Quasimodo! >and began to unpack. Luckily, the alcove wasn't that >cramped, and even had a small TV and a radio built into one >of the walls. > Crow: Suddenly Daria found herself in the middle of a Janet Jackson video. >Daria soon had unpacked and had settled in for the >evening. Mike: That was quick, for this story, anyway. > She took out a portable CD player and slipped into >it REM's "Automatic for the People" Crow: This song was brought to you by the automatic transmission council. Remember, stick shifts are for weenies! > and hit the "PLAY" >button. Tom: The "Play" button said she was her sister. She hit it again. The "Play" button said she was her daughter. > The first track on the album, "Drive" was starting. Crow: Ah, a choice selection from R.E.M.'s "Suck" period. Tom: [Man in the Moon] o/~ If you belie-e-eve, we just ran out of ideas! o/~ >Peter Buck's acoustic guitar intro wafted in through the >earphones, followed by Michael Stipe's vocals: > Mike: Then President Al Gore came in playing his armpit. >"Smack, crack, bushwhacked, Mike: I dunno, the new Rice Krispies slogan just isn't effective. Crow: Um, things you say to a loser. Things you do in a bar... um, pass! > /Tie another one to your racks, >baby./ Crow: Anatomically unlikely, but an intriguing idea. > Hey, kid, rock and roll,/Nobody tells you where to >go, baby. Tom: Heck, I've been telling Pete where to go since "Mandaly Scooter Bisquik Ferrigno". > /What if I'm right,/ Crow: Then Satan will have to wear a winter jacket. > What if you are, Mike: o/~ What if I broke Buck's new guitar? o/~ > /What if you >rock around the clock?/ Crow: You mean rock rock rock till the broad daylight? > Tick, tock, tick, tock. Crow: Oh no, someone planted a time bomb in her CD player! Mike: [Hannibal Lechter] The lambs are ticking, Clarisse. > /What if you >did?/What if you are?/ Tom: What if you just can it, Stipe?! > What if you tried to get off, baby." > Mike: This is the song where Stipe really blurred the lines between poetic surrealism and "winging it". Crow: It does lack the sharp focus of your average Alzheimer's patient. >Daria had drifted off to sleep. Tom: Yes, after listening to lyrics like that, who WOULDN'T sleep? > Somehow, she found >herself in something like the video for "Drive" Mike: Except for the male belly dancers with gun holsters smearing Vaseline on their chests. > It was all >in black and white and it seemed she was body surfing. Crow: But of course she was just pretending to surf in front of a blue screen. >However, the people below here were some of her bitterest >enemies. Tom: It's never too early to start an enemies list! Mike: Life lessons from Richard Nixon. > There was Sandi Griffin, the President of the >Fashion Club, Mike: Because fashion is evil. *EVIL*. Crow: It's be a happy day in America when Tommy "Mr. Slaughterhouse" Hillfinger gets the chair. > Beavis and Butt-Head, Todd, Mike: Todd? Tom: Some exposition here *would* be okay... > Quinn, Ms. Morris, >her gym teacher, Anthony Corlew and quite a few others. Crow: House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt... Mike: Rob Lowe, TV's Sam Seaborne from "The West Wing"... Tom: Nobel Prize-Winning author Gabriel García Márquez... >They were determined to carry her off someplace. Mike: [Daria] No, no, not New Jersey! NOOOO! > Finally, >Daria got the courage to look where they were headed. Crow: Turns out they were just taking her to Denny's for a delicious Grand Slam Breakfast. > It >was some chasm, with flames leaping out of it. > Crow: Oh, my mistake - it's Waffle House. >"NO!," Daria screamed. They were ignoring her. Tom: No, they're carrying her to her death. There's a difference. >Finally, they took her to the edge and dumped her down the >abyss. Mike: Where she landed right on top of Ed Harris. > Daria screamed herself awake. > Crow: And drunk herself back sober. >Daria was breathing heavily. She could actually see >her breasts rise and fall with her breathing. Tom: Yup, that's the focal point of the scene. No doubt. Crow: Disheveled, Daria began her monthly self- examination, lingering as she admired her own burgeoning- Mike: I don't want to pursue this joke any further, guys. > She had to >get out for a while. > Crow: o/~ Everybody's talking at me. Can't hear a thing they're sayin... o/~ >Daria slipped out of the hotel and went down some side >streets. Tom: [Daria] I'll just duck down "Mug the Gaijin Boulevard" here... > She could see that there had been quite a lot of >progress rebuilding Tokyo since the Neo-Zero attack. Mike: Well, Tokyo has had experience dealing with mass destruction. Tom: [Daria] Hey! All the Starbucks are back open! Crow: That's no surprise. > She >could see that a new Tokyo Tower was being constructed at the >site of the old one.* > Tom: Well, sure, otherwise Godzilla would just be lost. Crow: I still say they should've torn the other one down first. Stacking them on top of each other just seems dangerous! >*Tokyo's most recognizable landmark and the tallest >structure in the country (it's over one thousand feet tall); >it's seen in quite a few episodes of "Sailor Moon." Mike: Which is how you know it's important! > It was >bombed and destroyed in "Misery Senshi."--Demolition Man >Peter. > Tom: He's nobody's friend. He's a demolition man. Mike: Gee, thanks- Gordon. >Daria wasn't paying too much attention to her >surroundings. Mike: Seeing how her glasses were off and she couldn't see a thing. Tom: [Daria] Hmm, I knew I should've gotten dressed. > She didn't realize that a yakuza member had >been tailing her. > Crow: Huh? Oh, a gangster! Pete made it sound so pedestrian. >"Yeah, that seems to be the one," he was speaking into >his walkie-talkie. Tom: [gangster] This must be the Fisher Price walkie-talkie everyone's talking about. > "It looks like the same bitch that >trashed our weapons at the Lawndale Gun Club." Crow: [thug] I'm going to set off three crates of TNT and muss her hair up! > Somehow, >word of the raid had gotten over to Japan this fast. Mike: I blame the internet. Crow: It's the awesome power of #MILITIATALK at work. > "I'm >going to take care of this," Tom: [gangster] I'm just going to come out in the open and do something bad to her! Brilliant! > the gangster said, then >switched off the walkie-talkie. Mike: Can't we make even a pathetic Dick Tracy-like stab at characterization here? Give him huge forehead, Dumbo-like ears? A distended lip at least! > He calmly got out his .47 >Magnum and looked like he was ready to fire it. > Crow: But was actually using it to point out the many things to see and do in Tokyo! City on the Edge of Tomorrow! Mike: A .47 Magnum? Tom: It's from the Island of Misfit Guns. >Suddenly, out of nowhere, it looked like some crazy >lady with pink hair leaped out of nowhere. All: GWEN STEFANI! > She was wearing >a red drop-dead mini-dress and red high-heeled shoes. Mike: He's being assaulted by Lil' Kim! > She >kicked him in the groin, sending him howling. Crow: So the first bad guy to wear a cup, rules Japan. That's what I'm learning here. > Blinded by >the pain, Crow: And his good looks! > the gangster took out his gun and fired blindly, >fortunately not hitting anything. > Tom: John Ritter doesn't make a very good gangster, does he? >Daria turned around to see what was going on. > >"What in Hell?. . .," she said to herself. > Crow: [Daria] Isn't that Pink? What's she doing here? >The lady with pink hair was beating the stuffing out >of the guy. > Mike: Oh, it's definitely Gwen Stefani. Crow: And she's obviously part of the evil Re- upholsterer's Syndicate. >"So, Nagisa sent you to do her dirty work for her, >eh?," she began to say. > Tom: [thug, earnestly] Yes, it's a simple life, but I'm a simple man. >"Why you. . .," the gangster began to say. Mike: But then trailed off and talked about the Green Bay Packers. > He shoved >her down to the ground, yanked off her dress, undid her bra >and was pulling down her panties Tom: All, of course, after injecting her with his paralyzing venom. Crow: [Daria] I suppose I *could* yell for help... nah, let's see where he's going with this. No need to jump to conclusions. > when he saw something that >made him go "AAAAAAA!". Mike: [Gangster] They've renewed "Making the Band"! NO!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? > He then dropped his gun and ran >like Hell. > Crow: [pink girl] Oh. So, I guess you have to be up early tomorrow? I mean- you will call, right? I hate it when they don't call! >Daria ran up to her. Then she noticed something: Her >mystery savior was not a woman at all; he was a man. > Crow: To Chow Yun Fat, Thanks for Everything, Daria Morgendorffer. >"Gee, I never thought I'd be saved by a transsexual in >my life," Daria began to say. > Mike: "My god, are you all right?" Crow: "Thanks for stopping that madman's killing spree!" Tom: "Weird how you've got a willy and breasts like that." Mike: [considering] Yeah, they're all pretty interchangeable in this situation. Fair's fair. >Her mystery defender began to giggle. Tom: Then went out of control and fell to the floor, shaking and giggling like a Tickle Me Elmo... > "Well, you >should have seen Ska's face when he first found out about >it," he began to say. Crow: This reminds me of the Crying Game! You know, that game where Tom and I say horrible things to each other until someone cries? Mike: I could see that. > "By the way, I just had some >silicone breast implants put in. Pretty real, aren't they?" > Crow: From rape victim to Howard Stern guest in 6.4 seconds! Tom: I don't know about you guys, but this is starting to creep me out! Mike: Do what I do - deny its existence, and you'll be fine. >"Sounds like the type of thing Fashion Club President >Sandi Griffin would do back home in Lawndale," Daria said. > Tom: [Shun] Did you say Sandy Griffin? Crow: It's like these two already know about each other's lives! >"Anyway, my name's Shun Kisaragi," Shun began to say; Mike: [Daria] Sho Kasugi? From "Master Ninja"?! Wow! >"I live over at Greenwood Dorm at Ryokuto Academy. What's >yours?" > Tom: [Daria] Penis. [suddenly] DAH, I mean- >"Daria Morgendorffer," Daria replied. Crow: [Daria] But my friends call me Teresa. > "I'm from >Lawndale back in the U. S.; Crow: [Shun] Oh, the place with all the militia wackos? > why was that guy tailing me?" > Crow: He must have already read the fanfic and was trying to end it early. [The bots turn to stare at Mike.] Mike: Guys, I only did that once. >"He's from the Tezuka yakuza," Tom: You can tell from his mezuzah. > Shun began to say in the >grimmest voice his girlish voice could muster. Mike: Jennifer Tilly's "Unforgiven"! > "It's headed >by Nagisa Tezuka; her brother Shinobu is one of my >classmates." > Tom: And my little kitty Tigger came from her mommy cat! >"So, how come you're done up as a girl?," Daria wanted >to know. > Crow: Sweeps week. Kinda shallow, but... >"Well, my parents really wanted a girl so they could >train her to be a hostess at the inn they own," Shun began >to say. Tom: He then realized how dumb that would sound, and said, "What's it to you?" instead. Crow: Either that or they wanted a twinkie. Mike: Not Hostess(tm), Crow. [KA-CHING! sounds in the background.] > "When they found out that I was a boy, they were, >sad to say, disappointed." > Crow: [Shun] So instead of accepting myself for who I am, I lived my life as a lie! Cool huh? Tom: Don't like the gender of your child? Just remake them in whatever image your twisted heart desires! >"Funny, most parents want boys," Daria pointed out. > Crow: [Daria] At least according to USA Today poll I saw a few days ago... >"Yeah, but girls make better hostesses," Shun said. Mike: Well, sure. By definition. >"Thus they've raised me to be a girl." > Crow: Geez, the going rates for inn hostesses in Japan must be a real premium! Tom: [Shun] So I'm just a girl, AND I'm some kind of freak! >"Have I stepped into a scene from "Rose of Versailles" >or what?," Daria said.* > [All growl.] Tom: Oh look, the author's calling card. Crow: Well, maybe it's not an asterisk. Maybe it's a shuriken thrown by a ninja assassin of death. >*"Rose of Versailles" is a rather famous anime set in >pre-Revolutionary France; Mike: 700 million B.C.! That pre-revolutionary enough for ya? > it's about a girl who's raised >to be a boy and befriends Marie Antoinette. Tom: [grumbling] Yeah, yeah, let them eat this. > Other famous >"gender-bender" anime include "Ribon no Kishi" (a/k/a >"Princess Knight") from famed "Tetsuwan Atom" (a/k/a "Astro >Boy") creator Osamu Tezuka and "Revolutionary Girl Utena" >from long-time "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" director >Kunihiko Ikuhara. Mike: Should I be concerned that there's actually a anime sub-genre based on confused gender issues? > In all three cases, its girls who are >raised to be boys, the opposite of Shun's case, who's >a boy who decides he wants to be a girl.--Boy Peter. > Crow: Oh Boy Peter. Mike: Sadahara Oh Boy Peter? Crow: Forget it. >Shun laughed. "Man, I love that show!," he said. > Mike: So, they're anime characters who watch other anime characters? Crow: It's like when Dee-Dee watches "I Am Weasel"! >Daria couldn't let this next question go unasked: > Crow: [sarcastic] Ooooooh, of *course* not! Tom: [Daria] Really, what is the deal with Craig Kilbourn? >"You don't happen to know someone named Ami Mizuno, >do you?" > Mike: For purposes of this story, there are only about one hundred people in all of the United States and Japan, and every one in each country knows everyone else from that country. -- Barely Any Degrees Of Separation Peter >"Nope," Shun said; Tom: [Shun] I have yet to hear what Moon Kingdom lackey I reincarnated from. > "but I've seen her and some other >girls around the area of Minatomo-ku, if that's what you >mean."* > Mike: [Daria] No, what I meant was, "Do you happen to know a girl named Ami Mizuno?" >*Minatomo-ku is the ward in Tokyo where Usagi and the >others live Crow: Minamoto is Japanese for "Psycho". > in both the "Sailor Moon" manga and anime >series. Tom: And it's this little area that the villains all decide to unleash their plans to take over the world. > "Ku," Mike: The love call of the Kyoto pigeon! > or wards, are roughly equivalent to city >council wards here in the U. S., though in Japan each big >city that has "ku" has a "ward council" as well as its city >council. Tom: Peter Guerin! Author of "Municipal Politics for Dummies"! Crow: And this enhances our reading pleasure... how, exactly? > However, Tokyo does not have a city government; Mike: o/~ I-I-I-I, yam an, anar-CHIST! o/~ >the ward councils are directly overseen by the Tokyo >Metropolitan Prefecture (Tokyo-to) government consisting >of a governor and prefectural assembly. Crow: I see the Tokyo government is full of perfectionists. Tom: A hit squad jumps out from behind the verbiage, and vindictively riddles Daria and Shun full of buckshot. > To put it another >way, Mike: Bow down to my Nippo-knowledge! > it would be as if all fifty-one City Council >districts in New York City had their own government, Tom: Fifty-one different Giulianis, each one trying to Disney-fy the city, each one dropping out of Senate races, each one dumping their wife on national television... > but >instead of the city government it was ruled directly by the >governor and the New York State Legislature. Crow: With Tuxedo Mask wielding executive veto! > --Peter "I did >very well in my state and local government class in college" >Guerin. > Mike: Maybe a little *too* well. [Tom and Crow are snoring] Mike: Um, guys? Hello? *Guys*! Crow: Huh, wh- Tom: FOOTBALL PRACTICE! >"Anyway," Daria continued, Tom: [Daria] The STORY, Guerin? > "what brings you out here?" > Mike: [Shun] Oh, the usual, pure coincidence. >"I was actually out on a date," Shun giggled. "I was >going out with this cute guy from Tokyo University. Crow: [Shun] I think he's still across the street somewhere. [calling] Steven? Mike: [Steve, from a distance] I'm not your date! Crow: [Shun] Thanks for cheering for me during the fight, honey! Mike: [Steve] I was pulling for the mugger! Where's my 100 yen?! > Of >course, he didn't know the truth about me." > Crow: [Shun] Why spoil it when it goes REALLY well? Mike & Tom: Ewww... >"I've got to tell Sick, Sad World about this when I >get back home," Daria said. > >"One of these days, I want to go whole hog Mike: Yeah, luaus are nice. > and get a >sex change operation," Shun replied. "Then I can really >be a girl." > Tom: And gosh, wouldn't it be great to be a girl in girl-friendly Japan? >"Of course, you won't menstruate or get pregnant," >Daria warned. > Tom: [Shun] I won't? Oh, how horrible! Crow: [whimpering] Suddenly I have these terrible cramps in my brain. Mike: Yeah, my soul's all bloated, and I feel unloved. >"Well, that's two aspects of the downside of being a >woman I won't have to go through," Shun said with a telling >laugh. > Crow: Earning eighty cents to the dollar of a man's salary more than makes up for it, though. >Daria just rolled her eyes. > Mike: Something we were doing datas ago. >"Where are you staying, anyway?," Shun asked. > Tom: Until she's done with this story? Purgatory. >"I was staying at one of those sardine cans someone >humorously labeled as a hotel," Daria said in her usual >monotone voice. > Crow: Oh, thanks! For a moment I thought she was on helium! Mike: I feel I should ask her to open the pod bay doors for some reason. >"I'll walk you back there," Shun offered. "By the way, >nice outfit." > Crow: [Daria] That's great coming from a transsexual! >"Gee, thanks," Daria said, blushing. Mike: Sometimes the best at giving sarcasm are the worst at spotting it? Crow: You noticed that, huh? > No one other than >David MacAllister had complimented her on her choice of >clothing.* > Mike: Hey, tell me about it. I spend like twenty minutes every morning- Tom: Mike honey? You have what, three? Four jump suits? Mike: Well would it kill you to notice? >*David MacAllister was the Special Education student >who was running for Student Government President in my >second Daria story "Triumph of the 'Retart'"; Mike: Over "Shut down computer" and "Return to DOS". Tom: "Retart"? Crow: Dunno. Just go with it. > Daria fell in >love with him and slept with him. Crow: Because love means always having sex. Mike: Apparently, Pete's Daria is only slightly less promiscuous than Madonna. > In the end, he was >martyred. Tom: Lucky bastard. Abandoning us to face the mercies of Pete's sexual playhouse alone! Crow: Mike, martyr me! Right now! Mike: I think you need a cause first, Crow. Crow: I'll get one later! Come on, stone me! > Read this story; Mike: [Sighing] I get the feeling we're going to. > it's very powerful!-- Tom: Powerful in a smutty, cartoon sex kind of way. > "Shameless >Plug" Peter. > Mike: Oh, just so you know, we're not doing any sketches where you guys give Guerin more "appropriate" nicknames. Bots: [whining] WHAT?! NOOOO! Crow: I just finished my third page of suggestions! Mike: I'm sorry, it's not conducive to your holistic well-being. Just deal with it. >"You know, those boots of yours look kind of sexy," >Shun added. Mike: [Shun] Ever use'm to stomp guinea pigs on video tape? > "You like that lead singer of Garbage, Shirley >Manson, at all? Mike: Boy, the MelOdie continuum is strong around here. > She likes to wear boots like those." > Crow: [Daria] Well, not cartoon ones, but you get the idea. >"Are you sure you're really a boy in drag and not a >girl?," Daria asked Shun. Tom: Shyah, only a GIRL would like Garbage! Post-grunge renaissance punk my ass! > "You seem to execute being a >girl perfectly." > Crow: o/~ I enjoy, the execution of being a girl! o/~ >"You want to see the proof again?," Shun asked. > Bots: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Crow: Please, I beg you, no! Mike: [Shun, slyly] I'll show you proof all night long, baby! Come on! >"Uh, not really," said a truly embarrassed Daria as >they proceeded to walk back to the hotel. Tom: She declines a genital inspection! o/~ La la, LA la-la! o/~ >------------------------------------------------------------ Mike: Peter Guerin! Seeking to find all new lows, seeking to find a plot that really matters. >Bill Giroux had caught the red eye flight to Tokyo. Crow: Yipe! A trans-oceanic plane ticket booked on an moment's notice? That'd cost about, what, the GDP of Peru? > He >had now booked a room at the Narita Hilton for the night. Tom: Japan! Hotels, airports, and that friggin' tower! Mike: I don't see how there are any vacancies left, what with all the room reserving going on. >As soon as he had settled in, he got on the phone to Nagisa. > Mike: Then he got on the ice cream bowl to Nagano. >"Nagisa, it's Bill Giroux," he began to speak. Crow: "Said", Pete. Less is more. > "The >whole operation's been blown to Hell." > Tom: [Bill] Satan called. He said to get rid of the pile of debris from his backyard. >"So I've heard," Nagisa said at the other end of the >line. > Crow: [Nagisa] I warned you those three crates of TNT could constitute a fire hazard. >"I've got to get more weapons," Bill added. Mike: [Bill] And this time could you send me GOOD weapons? > "Could I >speak to you tomorrow morning?" > >"If that's what you want," Nagisa replied. > Tom: In today's mafia, customer service is job one! >"This whole thing wouldn't have gotten fucked up if >it wasn't for that motherfucking Morgendorffer bitch," Bill >spat out. > Crow: Oh, and those meddling kids and their dog too. Mike: Y'know, I think he just plain doesn't like Daria. >"Well, I've got one of my best agents out stalking >her," Nagisa said. Mike: [Nagisa] But he has a fear of transsexuals, but I'm sure that's not important. > Then, over the phone, Bill could hear >someone entering, moaning pain throughout the room. > Tom: o/~ I-mus in the mor-ning! o/~ >"Excuse me," Nagisa said to Bill. She dropped the >phone. Bill could hear the conversation, even thought it >was a bit faint: > Mike: [Nagisa] Have you had this rash before? Crow: [agent] Yes, but never on my scalp. >"You messed up on the assignment?" > >"That Kisaragi kook jumped me, Boss!" > Crow: The most dangerous crime syndicate in Japan has toughs that get beat up by schoolgirls! Tom: Schoolboys. Crow: Whatever. >"You messed up for the last time!" > Tom: [Agent] But this is my first time! Crow: [Nagisa] Exactly! >Shots could be heard. Mike: Wow, that's some loud whisky they're drinking. > Even thought Bill was used to >that, he couldn't help but flinch. > >"It looks like my agent fucked up as usual," Nagisa >said as she returned to the phone. Crow: Wait, I thought he was one of her best agents. Mike: You just can't get good hench-help these days. > "Meet me at 9:30 AM >sharp." > Crow: [Bill] Sure thing! I'll be happy to discuss illegal activities under the cover of broad daylight! >The phone was hung up. Bill shrugged it off and went >to bed. Tom: [Bill] Eh, someone who screwed up got shot, and I screwed up and didn't... hmmm... nah, that's crazy. Nap time! Mike: He better swallow three crates of TNT as a tranquilizer. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Brad Schlitz served as second-in-command for the >Lawndale Militia [All snicker] Crow: He was assisted by his two trusty lieutenants, Freddy Coors and Joe Don Pabst. Tom: So he's the Dick Cheney to George W. Bush? > and ran things while Bill Giroux was away. Mike: [Torgo] ThErE iS nO wAy OuT oF tHiS sToRy. It WiLl Be DaRk SoOn. Tom: I'd say it's plenty dark already! >An emergency meeting was being held as Brad's house to >discuss what had happened the previous night. > Crow: [Brad] Damn TNT crates! Why can't we have EMPTY crates for once? Tom: I don't see any revolutionary putsches coming out of "Brad's house". Mike: Maybe a Tupperware party. Crow: Maybe Oprah's Summer Reading Club. Tom: Maybe an interior design scheme. >"That bitch Morgendorffer and her friends have got to >be taught a lesson that we won't stand their messing around >with us anymore," Brad growled. Mike: [Brad, sinister] So everyone grab some T.P.! > "Therefore, we're going to >stage a commando raid on Lawndale High School and force her >to come back here. Tom: [Brad] How we exactly raid the school, I'm not exactly sure how, but I'm sure we'll think of a very detailed plan! > When she does, we'll let her have it!" > Tom: [Brad] Let's threaten all the people who shun and torment her - then she'll *have* to come back! Mike: [militia] Isn't she AT the school, sir? Tom: [Schlitz] No, she went to Japan to fight the mob. Mike: [militia] Well then shouldn't we let the mob handle it, sir? Tom: [Schlitz] What? No! You're not listening! >"What if she doesn't come back?," one of the Militiamen >asked. > Crow: [deep] Then she was never yours to begin with, man. >"Then we'll start killing off people, starting with >that bitchy principal over there, Ms. Li," Brad said. > Crow: [mumbling] It's Peter Guerin's "Ready, Okay!" Mike: [Militiaman] Sir? Since she's rather anti-social, would she care if her classmates died? Tom: [Brad] Shut up, Clyde. >"Wouldn't killing off Ms. Li be doing her a favor, >though?," another one asked. > >"Who cares?," Brad responded. Crow: I'm going to copy that sentence to my e-mail sig. Mike: [Brad] Logic be damned. I got a blood lust to quench! > "We're going to gather >here at 7:00 AM tomorrow and set out for the high school at >8:30 AM. Crow: [Brad] We'll raid the school when the students aren't there and the teachers have morning sickness! > You have your orders." > Mike: [Brad] Eric, you register for parking passes! Dan, get the schedule for World Civ 201! Marty, see if that hot chick on the volleyball team wants to go out with me! >Everyone filed out of the house, grumbling to >themselves. Tom: Disgruntled postal workers or right-wing militia extremists? YOU decide! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Daria managed to sleep the rest of the night without >any further incident. Crow: There was that one hitman who got beat up by that pregnant lesbian couple, but other than that... > That morning, everyone was gathered >at the lobby of the hotel. Agent Collins was going over >his strategy for the day. > Mike: [Collins] Blah, blah, blah. Oh, and we better have plane tickets ready just in case terrorists seize Lawndale High School and force us to fly back to save it. Just a hunch. >"The first order of business is going to be questioning >Shinobu Tezuka," Collins said. Tom: [Collins] We have to get him into the fanfic somehow. Now, who's gonna help me kidnap him and drag him to our safe house? > "He's the brother of Nagisa >Tezuka, the leader of the Tezuka yakuza. He might have some >valuable information on what his sister is up to." > Crow: Plus he's part of *another* cartoon show! Ain't that a coinky-dink? >"What if he doesn't want to talk?," Rally asked. > Tom: [Collins] Then we'll draft Shields and Yarnell to get it out of him! >"He'll talk," Collins said. Crow: [Collins] We'll dress up Daria like Dr. Laura. He's a big fan of hers. > "He's disapproved of what >Nagisa's been doing for years. He and some of his friends >were even held hostage by her thugs a few times. Shinobu's >got a will of steel alloy in these matters. Tom: [Becky] Steel *is* an alloy, sir! Mike: [Collins] Shut up, Becky. > He doesn't >break easy with her or her thugs and he's always willing >to co-operate with the authorities." > Crow: So you can see how she might *confide her secret plan* to him. Jeez. >"Why do I have the suspicious feeling that where we >going isn't your typical Japanese high school?," Daria >sneered to Jane. > Mike: Mmmmm, I see some precocious little pixie's been reading ahead in the script. Tom: Besides, you never see a typical Japanese high school in anime. Crow: Or on American TV, for that matter. >"At least we can see if there's any guys who aren't >like Upchuck," Jane said. > Crow: What, freckled? Red-haired? No distinguishing marks or scars? >"From what I've heard of the Japanese educational >system, the smart kids should have it easy," Daria said. Mike: Daria, no one forced to wear "sailor floss" can be said to "have it easy". >"They're all probably nerds. Tom: [Daria] I don't know what flavor, though. > Japan is probably the only >country where being a smart student doesn't penalize you >socially." > Mike: Unless you do something stupid, like act like an individual. >Jane smirked at that remark. > Tom: [Jane] I am gonna kick *so much* Nippo-butt today... >"Let's roll!," Collins shouted to them. > >Everyone left for Ryokuto Academy. Mike: Located in exotic Ryo De Jinero! Crow: Is anyone else bugged that militia from America, practically the ammunitions capital of the Western world, has to buy guns from the Japanese? Mike: Bad is bad. Why sweat the details? Tom: Let's do some leaving of our own. [They stand and exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [As the doors open, raucous Latin music swells into the range of hearing. As Cambot pans back, we see Gypsy, Crow and Tom engaged in a game of Trivial Pursuit at the command console. Behind them, a dark haired man bounces in time to the music.] Crow: Entertainment; this acclaimed anime series featured... Gypsy: Amazing Nurse Nanako. Crow: Blast. Tom: That's another pie slice. Crow: Gyps, are you sure you didn't memorize all of these cards? Gypsy: Oh, right. Like I'd memorize every card in Anime Trivial Pursuit. Tom: Well, okay. Your roll. Gypsy: Okay. 3. Crow: Okay, People. In this... Gypsy: Detective Conan. Crow: Blast! [Mike enters, stares at the dancing man for a second, and then approaches the bots.] Mike: Um, guys? Tom: Mike, Gypsy's cheating! Gypsy: Am not! Mike: Yeah, that's nice. Um, the guy dancing... [On cue, the man spins around and begins to sing.] Man: o/~ She's into superstition/ Black cats and voodoo dolls o/~ Tom: Oh, it's just Ricky Martin, Mike. [Ricky smiles and continues to sing.] Mike: Yes, I know it's Ricky Martin, but what's he doing here? Ricky: o/~ Oh, she bangs! She bangs! Oh baby when she moves, she moves! o/~ Crow: Well, after the last chapter, we thought it would be nice to discover what made REM's music so memorable. Mike: That's great! You know, I'm a big fan of those guys... Tom: Well, we went looking for your CD collection before we realized that we had used them all for skeet shooting last week... Mike: You did what? Ricky: o/~ Shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon!o/~ Mike: Hey Ricky? Can you take five? Ricky: Sure thing. [He exits stage right, singing to himself as he goes.] Ricky: o/~ Oh, I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing... o/~ [He exits.] Mike: You did *what* to my CDs? Tom: Oh, you're so attached to material objects, Mike. They're just things. Mike: [growling] So are *you*. Crow: [hastily] Anyway, we realized that since we didn't have any recorded stuff, we'd have to go the live route. Mike: But Ricky Martin? Tom: Well, it'd be so cliché for us to drag Michael Stipe up here. Crow: Besides, he wanted too much money. Mike: But Ricky Martin? Tom: He's got a new CD out and he's out promoting it. Crow: Apparently, we're a small club. Mike: You three weren't even watching him! Tom: Duh. Crow: We're not exactly big fans of him, Mike. Gypsy: He's no Richard Baseheart, Mike. Mike: But, but ... how does hearing Ricky Martin help you understand REM? [Quiet] Crow: Well, I guess it doesn't. Tom: We probably should have planned this out better. Mike: Oh, for crying out loud! [Mike throws his hands up in the air and storms off the bridge.] Crow: Huh. Well, do you want to finish this game? Tom: Nah. Gypsy's mopping the floor with both of us. Gypsy: Yep. [The lights begins to flash.] Crow: Well, should we talk about the weather? Tom: Should we talk about the government? Gypsy: Aye! Aye! Crow: Oh, I guess it'll just have to wait! WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN!! [Crow taps the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The bots enter the theater, and find Mike already seated.] Crow: Oh. There you are. Tom: We'd thought you'd be in the corner. Crow: Or in a spotlight. Mike: Knock it off, you two. We've got more Guerin to deal with. Crow: Heck, we can handle it. After all, I am Superman. Tom: And I can do anything. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 4: Thou Shalt Loathe Thy High School Grind >------------------------------------------------------------ Mike: And MTV's High School fitness program was met by a wall of disgust. Crow: I've had the High School Grind. Not as bold as the Kenyan Blend, but it does have a nice spicy undertone. >Ryokuto Academy was considered one of the best private >high schools in Japan. Crow: Their pants were the shortest in Japan! Tom: With the finest collection of alien rape comics anywhere on the Pacific rim! Mike: Ryokuto! Where 3 out of 4 of our students don't commit grade-based Suicide! > Founded in 1910 by Katsuhiko >Ryokuto, a millionaire industrialist, Crow: Who protected the streets of Tokyo by night as the fearsome FoxMan! > the school had >survived both world wars, the Kanto Earthquake, the bombings >late in World War II and protests during the 1960's. Tom: -and the poor dubbing of Sandy Frank films. Mike: Not to mention the disco era and the Onslaught of the Evil Pocket Monsters of 1999. Crow: Aaaaaand, the Neo-Zero Debacle? Maybe? >However, none of those events had totally prepared Ryokuto >Academy for the arrival of several "gaijin", or foreigners, >driving up in souped up cars and toting guns. Crow: Fortunately, the fact that all the students had been immersed in ultra-violent manga meant it caused hardly a ripple. > Special Agent >Bill Collins, ATF, was leading the way as the group >proceeded to the principal's office. > Mike: [Collins, as dumb bratty kid] Shuh. Can you believe it? Just 'cuz I told the teacher she had a fat ass. It's so bogus. >The principal glanced up from some paperwork he was >taking care of and said rather calmly, "Can I help you >ladies and gentlemen?" Tom: [Collins] Yeah, you the secular humanist scumbag who put those demon-worshipping Harry Potter books in the library? > >Collins flashed his ATF badge and said, Crow: [Collins] There's more than one way to stuff a turkey. > "I'm Special >Agent Bill Collins of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and >Firearms of the United States Department of the Treasury. Crow: Damn Treasury... thinks it can govern the United States of America! >I'm here on official business. Mike: [Collins] And I am the 14th High Priestess of the Cult of Andara! > Here with me are duly >appointed bounty hunters Rally Vincent, Minnie-May Hopkins, >Becky Farra, Bean Bandit, Chelsea Grimwood, Crow: Otherwise known as "Rally Vincent and her Traveling Deaf-Mute Circus". Tom: [Collins] And before I continue, would you PLEASE stop snickering? > and duly >deputized special agents Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and >Trent Lane. Mike: [principal] What, behind the pothead and the Baby Sitter's Club? Crow: [Collins] Also, please welcome funny man Geechee Guy and the June Taylor Dancers. > We're here in regard to an alleged smuggling >operation of the Tezuka yakuza and possible connections to >the Lawndale Militia. Tom: Who I'm sure are topic # one in Japanese chat rooms. Mike: [Collins] We also believed the Easter Bunny may have something to do with it. > We want to speak to Shinobu Tezuka, >please." > >The principal stood up and began to speak: > Mike: [Principal] Shinobu Tezuka? Nobody ever believed he was real. I suppose the greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist. >"While I cannot hinder an official investigation, I do >protest the manner in which you entered this office and >imposed yourself on me. [All snicker.] Tom: [Principal] How dare you investigate me, er, my school! Heh heh, nothing! > I was not informed of your arrival >here. Crow: I waited by the phone all night! To think I thought you were different! > I do intend to file a formal protest with the >Education Ministry as well as your nation's embassy." > Tom: And here's your stupid crummy bracelet back, too! And don't even THINK of calling my sister! >"Duly noted," Collins sneered. Mike: Gee, I wonder why Collins never took up a career in diplomacy. > "Please take us to >Mr. Tezuka." > Crow: The Japanese Mr. Coffee! >The principal went to a cabinet that had copies of >every student's schedule. He looked up Shinobu's. Tom: Hmm, whining at 8, screeching at 9... oh wait, that's Kazoo's schedule! Sorry. > "You're >in luck," he said; Mike: [Principal] He's just your type! > "He does not have any classes right now. Crow: He's auditing "Weirdoes vs. Outcasts: Who Will Dominate the Silicon Century?" >Odds are he is at Greenwood Dorm even as we speak." > Mike: For the man, he has no life. >"Where's that?," Collins wanted to know. > Crow: [Principal] What?! You don't know where the dorm is?! I know where every building in your pathetic little Lawndale is, yet you can't even find a single dorm? You make me sick! >"After you exit the Administration Building, just go >straight down," the principal said; "it's at the edge of the >academy property." > Tom: Here, I'll jot down longitude and latitude. There's a spare sextant in the closet. >"Sorry to disturb you, Sir," Mike: [Collins] But I must tell you to bite me! > Collins said as he now >waved the others in the direction the principal pointed >out to them. > Crow: [principal] Actually, for nine guys piling in my office, that was pretty quiet. >"He's definitely a take-charge kind of a guy," Daria >said to Jane. > Crow: [Daria] Or a take-hostage kind of a guy, I can't remember which. Mike: [Jane] Look, if that's the best you got, just don't even bother. Geez. I should have tagged along with Quinn on this one... >"We'd better watch our backs with him," Jane replied; >"I think he's the type who could rip your head off and eat >it for lunch." Tom: The ATF! We're looking for cannibals JUST LIKE YOU! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Collins and the others had just arrived at Greenwood >Dorm. They entered the dorm lady's office and noticed her >watching some soap operas. > Mike: Ah, she has "picture in picture" technology. A very Sony world. >"Excuse me, Ma'am," Collins said as he flashed his ATF >badge again, Tom: [Collins] Agent John Doggett, FBI! No wait... > "I'm from the United States Government. Crow: [Collins] Get me twelve pickles and some bicarbonate of soda! > We're >here to speak to Shinobu Tezuka. Where is his room?" > Mike: [dorm lady] Tokyo, somewhere. Hush, I think this is the one where they bring shame to the family honor. >The dorm lady--hating to be distracted--pried herself >from her TV set long enough to speak to Collins. > Mike: [dorm lady] Did you steal Alicia's baby? >"Go up the stairs and make a left; it's the fifth door >down," the dorm lady said rather curtly. > Crow: If a ghost grabs you in its undead clutches, you've gone too far. >Collins and the others now proceeded to go to the >stairs. Suddenly, a student wearing a pastor's outfit >bolted down the stairs and confronted Collins. > Tom: [student] Save me, sir! I was playing dress-up when the pastor went to take his shower, and now he's after me! >"God says in the Holy Bible that 1999 will be the end >of the world!," Mike: I don't recall a passage where He says that. Tom: Look in Nostradomus 5:12. Crow: But I'm here to tell you, there's something else! The afterworld! A place of never-ending happiness! You can always see the sun, day or night! > the student began to say; "it's not too >late to accept Jesus as your personal Savior! Mike: Wow! your own personal Jesus? Someone to heed your prayers? Someone who cares? > Will you >accept Jesus as your personal Savior?" > Crow: And will you accept Jesus's personal check? He's tapped out at the moment. >"Move it or lose it, jerk!," Collins yelled at him; Tom: Ah. I believe that's a verse from St. John's letter to the Rapscallions. >"In my line of business, you begin to doubt if there even >is a God!" > Crow: [confused] Yes, because what kind of God would create low-tar cigarettes? Tom: [Collins] I've seen a man's coffee *violently* spilled by three crates of TNT! Where was your God then, huh? >"You atheist!," Mike: My daddy used to say, "There're no atheists in bureaucracies". > the student continued unabated; All: [halfheartedly] Much like this story. > "accept >Jesus now or you will go to Hell!" > Mike: Remember, folks, like Hollywood, the only acceptable use religion has in fanfiction is to highlight unbridled fanaticism or despicable hypocrisy. >"Why don't you go there yourself?," Daria suddenly shot >back like a deadly fusillade of bullets. > Crow: AAAAH! [ducks for a moment, then comes back up] Mike: Well, rubber bullets. Okay, Firestone Wilderness AT Bullets. Tom: Could we please have one simile that wasn't pre-approved by McDonnell-Douglas? >The student was left speechless as Collins, Daria and >the others walked past him. > Crow: [pastor] That's it? No subtlety, no verbal cleverness, just "go to hell"? Tom: [same] I got worse from that drag queen who called me a "Jerk-in-the-pulpit"! Mike: [same] Or when Kazuya asked if I was out of lollipops, why did I suck so much? >"Score one for you, Daria," Jane said to her. > Tom: That leaves it people 1,000,000,000... Daria -1. Mike: [Daria] WHAT did you call me? Crow: [Jane] Um, I mean, Ms. Morgendorffer. Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. A little slow with that compliment, Lane. >As they went up the stairs, they saw another student >lugging his motorcycle with him. Daria and Jane couldn't >help but do a double take on that. > Tom: They screwed up laughing on the first take. Crow: What's Fonzie doing here? >"Would you look at him!," Jane said in surprise. > >"I have to say I'm impressed," Daria said. > >"Will you ladies stop gawking?," Collins said to them. Tom: And with that, we've finished bringing in the whole cast of "Here is Greenwood"! Mike: [Collins] How do you think that makes us guys feel who are carrying around much smaller motorcycles?! >They now got off the stairs and headed down the hall. >When they stopped at Shinobu's room, Collins knocked on the >door. > Crow: [Collins] Um, we're the cast of Barney Miller and Fish! >"Mr. Shinobu Tezuka," Collins said, "I'm with the >United States Government. Mike: [Collins] I've brought the 101st Airborne with me. We'd like some tea, please. > I want to speak to you." > Crow: We know you have Elian in there! Send him out, or there'll be trouble! >The door was opened and Shinobu stepped out. > Mike: He's dressed in pink and blue just like a child. >"Can I ask what this is in regard to?," Shinobu asked >in his calm voice. > Tom: Yes, but first I have several hundred characters to introduce to you. >"We're here in regard to the recent activities of your >sister, Nagisa," Collins said as he flashed his badge once >more. Tom: [Collins] Detective Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad. > "I'm Special Agent Bill Collins, Bureau of Alcohol, >Tobacco and Firearms. All: [gasping] Not THE Special Agent Bill Collins of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms! > We strongly suspect that your sister >has been smuggling arms from Japan to the Uni States in >order to equip a right-wing militia group." > Mike: Oh, and we suspect she's behind Napster too. >"You might as well come in, then," Shinobu said. Tom: [Shinobu] She can just shoot us all now and save some time. > "We >were in the middle of our study time, but it doesn't >matter." Mike: [Shinobu] This test on Hawking's superstring theory only counts for 90% of our grade. > As everyone stepped in, they noticed some other >students. Crow: Huh, look. Grasshopper! Tom: Young Skywalker! Mike: Ralph Maccio! Crow: Otter! Tom: Flounder! Mike: Bluto! Crow: Barbarino! Tom: Horshack! Mike: Washington! > Shinobu pointed to them and said, "These are my >friends Kazuya Hasukawa, Mitsuru Ikeda and Shun Kisaragi." > Tom: [Shinobu] Oh, and our little ghost-friend, Slimer... er, Misako! >"Man, from what I've seen of the students we've met so >far, everyone's pretty weird," May said to Rally. > Crow: You're one to talk... >"I've seen stranger people elsewhere," Rally shot back. > Tom: She's been to Canada. [Growls can be heard offscreen.] Mike: And there goes the goodwill from your Molson's speech, Tom. >"You have to forgive us," Shinobu continued, "Greenwood >is where all the outcasts are housed." > Tom: It's the Dorm of Misfit Toys. >"Hey, you could fit in here pretty well," Jane said to >Daria. > Mike: [Daria] Hey, you're right! It's not a can of sardines anymore! >Daria proceeded to elbow Jane in the ribs. > Crow: [Daria] They're almost done. Get the barbeque sauce ready. >"Hey!," Jane said. > >"You think I'd be associated with this freakshow?," >Daria whispered to her. > Mike: Daria Morgendorffer- snobbish slave to lookism. Tom: No better than the fashion club. Thanks Pete! >Shun noticed Daria and leapt up; he was wearing a >pink blouse and purple jeans. > Crow: So, Shun is colorblind. >"Hey, Daria," Shun greeted her; "it's so nice to meet >you again!" > Mike: [Shun] Did you give any thought to what I said about using your womb to bear my children? No pressure, just because I saved your life and all... >"You've met Shun already?," Mitsuru asked Daria. > Crow: [Mitsuru] All's lost now. >"It's a long story," Daria replied. > All: Uhhhhhhhh... Mike: This time, let's let this one slide, guys. >"What's a girl doing here at an all-boys' school?," >Jane asked. > Tom: She thought it was VMI. >"She's actually a he," Daria pointed out to her. > All: [muted trumpet] Wah-wah-wahhhhh... >"OOOOOOO," Jane said, with that telling smirk on >her lipsticked face; Crow: Is Jane being played by Roger's kid sister from "What's Happening?" > "one of those guys, I figure!" > Mike: Yep, a Jamie Farr cultist. >Shun began to giggle. > Tom: [Shun] It's so cute when people diminish me! >Rally felt like she was going to lose her lunch after >that revelation. > Crow: So she wrote her name on it in large letters and locked it in the office safe. Mike: Yes, different people ARE sickening! Tom: But we can now control their exposure to the general population, thanks to GREENWOOD! >"Hey," Shun asked May as he went up to her, "where do >you get those duds? They look very cool!" > Tom: [May] These duds? They run the gun shop where I work. >May couldn't help but smile at that remark. > Crow: Yes, nothing's more satisfying than a transsexual telling you that you have nice duds! >"Shun," Kazuya said, "will you knock it off!" > Tom: Quit wasting fanfic space! Mike: [wincing] Jeez, he's a walking car alarm! Someone pelt him with eggs or something. >"Don't be such a spoil sport all the time, Hasukawa," >Shinobu replied. > >"Yeah," Mitsuru added; "you should know by now Shun >is never going to change." > Tom: He'll never have the guts to get that operation. >Kazuya began to sigh. > Crow: Al Gore!? Tom: Then he changed his mind and coughed instead. >"Anyway," Collins said, "Mr. Tezuka, do you have any >information about your sister's recent activities that could >help us in our investigation?" > Mike: [Shinobu] Yeah, she's dating a friend I brought home from college. Says he makes her feel all squishy. >"Well," Shinobu began to reply; "there have been rumors >that she's been receiving rather huge shipments at her >warehouse in Yokohama recently. Tom: Sa-a-a-a-y... Mike: Oh, cut it out. > What they are, I don't >know." > Mike: I'm guessing Pokemon cards. I hear they're really big in Japan. Crow: It could be silly putty for all we know! >"That's a start," Collins said. "If you could >accompany us down there, we could check to see if there's >any illegal weapons being stored there." > Tom: [Collins] Oh boy, more innocent civilians I can drag into harm's way! This is gonna be a *great* day! Crow: [Becky] After first obtaining a legal search warrant, right boss? Mike: [Rally] Shut up Becky. Crow: [Becky] And don't forget to coordinate our actions with the proper Japanese authorit- Mike: [Rally] SHUT UP BECKY! >"Sure," Shinobu said. "I have to admit that my sister >has disgraced herself by entering a life of crime, Mike: And by becoming a Spice Girl. > but I >still care for her and someday hope to make her see the >error of her ways." > Tom: [Shinobu] Um, wait. Can I run that line again? I didn't feel connected to the pathos that time. >"And meanwhile, I have a sister who--until recently-- >was telling everyone at our school that I was her cousin and >wishes I wasn't even born, "Daria shot back.* > Crow: QUIT SHOOTING! Geez, maybe they should have stayed at the bloody gun club! Mike: [Shinobu] Um, that's nice. And you are... >*Sandi found out the truth about Daria and Quinn's >exact relationship in "The Dinner Date from Hell."--Peter, >the Not-Quite-Frugal Gourmet. > Tom: He's interrupting his irrelevant asides to confirm his irrelevant asides are accurate. >"That is such a shame, Morgendorffer," Shinobu said. > Crow: [Shinobu] But really, big deal about your problems. We have more pressing matters than your domestic bickerings! >"It could have been worse," Mitsuru added, Tom: [Mitsuru] She may actually say something relevant to the plot. > "your birth >parents could have abandoned you at a Buddhist temple like >mine did." > Crow: It's a Nippo-American self-pity competition. Tom: [laughs] So it would seem. Mike: Hey, I grew up in Wisconsin. Bots: Mike wins. >"Quinn does kind of wish that had happened to me," >Daria said in her sarcastic tone. > Mike: Quinn's coordinating Buddhist fundraising for the Dems this year. Crow: Oh boo hoo, can we PLEASE get on with the plot already? We don't have all eternity! >"We'd better get going, everyone," Collins said. > Tom: [Collins] The conversation here is like some psychiatric evaluation. >Everyone left the dorm room. There was silence for a >few seconds, then Misako--who had kept herself invisible >while the conversation was taking place--materialized. > Crow: [Misako] These are the chains I forged in- oh, wait. Wrong script. >"Those guys could be getting themselves into danger," >Misako said to herself; Tom: No, they're going to take a nice trip through Candyland... > "I'd better tag along with them >just to keep an eye on them." Crow: If you can't haunt the one you love, haunt the one you're with! Mike: Casper, the co-dependent ghost! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Yokohama serves as the port of Tokyo, Tom: While Sandeman serves as the port of Portugal. > which does not >have adequate deep-water facilities for the vast amount of >overseas shipping that it handles. Mike: The world's only inland port? > It has numerous >warehouses lining its docks and wharves. Mike: Dock was in fact the leader of the Seven Wharves. Crow: [glaring at Mike] Hiss, boo, derisive catcalls. > One of them had >the kanakaji markings indicating that it was owned by >"Tezuka Holdings, Ltd."; Tom: And was made possible by a grant from the Helena Rubenstein Foundation. > in reality, Mike: It was owned by Microsoft. > the company was a front >for the Tezuka yakuza's smuggling operations, Tom: Thus the name "Tezuka HOLDINGS"... > though >carefully placed bribes with the right people kept the >warehouse from prying eyes. > Crow: Even the wandering tourists and lost people were bribed! No person who wandered there had NOT been offered zeroes! >However, those who were now approaching the warehouse >were not bribed; Tom: And they were going to march right in there and demand to be! > in fact, they were not from the customs >service at all. Crow: They were from the cast of the Emmy-award winning drama "The Practice". > Agent Collins was leading the way, Mike: I suppose hiding in an armored bunker 20 miles away from your agents can be considered to be leading. > with >Shinobu a few steps behind him and everyone else a couple >of feet back. Tom: Yeah, a nice, stealthy group of six dozen untrained amateurs. > Shinobu stopped and calmly pointed out the >warehouse to Collins. > Mike: [Collins] I think I see where it is, Counselor Troi. >"This is it," Shinobu said. > Crow: Well, he let us know. Tom: [Shinobu] My contribution to the plot. See ya! Mike: So Shinobu's risking his life for an address these clowns could've pulled from the Tokyo Yellow Pages. >Rally had her hand on her gun just in case trouble was >about to start. > Crow: She had a phobia of Pop-O-Matic bubbles. >"We'd better see if they've got any goodies for us in >there," Collins said. > Mike: Hey, this window is made out of gingerbread! >Collins and the others slowly approached the warehouse >office's entrance. Collins took a credit card out and >got the door opened. Tom: It's like a hairpin you can buy stuff with! Crow: This could revolutionize the way we cover up plot holes! > He and the others cautiously entered >the office, then proceeded to the warehouse proper. > >What they saw there stunned them. > All: Gasp! Mike: "Battlefield: Earth" DVDs, Mr. Collins! Zillions of 'em! >There in front of them was row upon row of arms >smuggled in from China. > Crow: Organleggers! Mike: Quick! Spread out and find me that kidney room! >"We've hit the motherlode," Collins snarled. > Tom: That's what you said *last* time, Einstein. >Suddenly, Collins and the others heard the sound >of guns clicking back. They turned around and saw >three of Nagisa's agents, Agents K, G, and W, Mike: George Bush! Tom: Well, it's about time we heard from the other would-be President. > aiming >dead on at them. > >"You've just made a big mistake," Agent K said. > Tom: [K] You are in violation of some code of the Tycho Treaty. Ah, screw it. *boom* >"I think smuggling weapons contrary to Japanese >laws is an even bigger mistake," Collins shouted. > Mike: Suddenly, a forensics championship breaks out. Crow: Well *I* think taunting a man with a gun pointed at you is an even *bigger* mistake! >Agent G fired his gun and another gunfight was >underway. > Mike: Thrill, as the similar action meanders across the screen! Tom: Uhhhh, Mike, is something missing here? Mike: Never you mind, Tom. >Collins and the others dived beneath boxes. Tom: [cackling] What? *Beneath* the boxes? The hell? Crow: Must've brought trench shovels. Fast diggers. > Rally and >Bean returned fire. May got one of her grenades ready. > Mike: Unfortunately for her, there were no TNT barrels to blow up. >"It looks like Collin's big mouth got us into another >big mess again," Daria said to Jane. > Crow: [Daria] I'm sure the bad guys were just going to give us a stern lecture and buy us a round of cokes. >"I wonder if they promote people in the ATF on how >big a mouth they have," Jane added. > Tom: Then the ATF would be full of football coaches. >"Will you cut it out?," Collins shouted back to them. > Tom: [Collins] Never mind my imminent death from hostile gunfire - I have to deal with two high school girls who're dissing me! Mike: Collins, Collins, Collins - set your priorities! >Agent W had Collins dead in his sights. Crow: Immediately, W appointed Collins the new Attorney General. Mike: [Bush] Terminamate- with extreme predjotry! > May saw that >and threw a grenade at him. Tom: [May] Dimple THIS, frat boy! > Agent W ran like Hell, Tom: [John Carridine] He ran all the way to hell. Mike: With nothing but a penny and a broken cigarette. > just >avoiding the grenade when it went off. > Tom: And if grenades didn't explode, that might have meant something. Crow: You know, I have a theory about these grenades with impossibly small blast radii. Mike: Really. Crow: Yeah, it's just a shame the margin of this page is too small to write it down. Mike: That is a shame. >Agent G shouted, Crow: [desperately] G! Tom: No. GTE. > "You're not getting out of this place >alive!" > Tom: The Jim Morrison biography! Oh wait, that's different. >"Wanna bet on that?," Rally shouted back, then gunned >Agent G down. > Mike: No! Agent Gulliver is dead! Now we'll never know where the Homonyms are! >Misako, who had tailed the others over here, made >herself visible. Tom: [hushed] I see boring dead people! > She knew her friends were in danger. Crow: But they're winning already! I think about a third of the villains was just wiped out. >She realized that she had to do something fast. Mike: So she opened a pack of Pillsbury microwave brownies! > She >floated up to the top of the warehouse, then swooped down >in what looked like a kamikaze attack on the two surviving >agents. > Crow: A ghost can't die for the emperor, Pete. Mike: It's oxymoronical. >"What in Hell?. . .," Daria and Kazuya found themselves >saying simultaneously. > Tom: More to the point, what got OUT of hell? Crow: And who let it live with them? >Misako suddenly zapped the agents. They fell down >senseless to the ground. > Tom: So all ghosts carry tasers? Mike: They're standard on all the latest models. >"They're not. . .," Mitsuru said. > Crow: But they... Mike: It's just... Tom: You can't... >"No, they're just unconscious for a while," Misako >replied. > Mike: [Misako] Oh, and I ate their souls. Other than that... >"Who is she?," Daria asked. > Tom: She's Gossamer from the 7th Portal! >Misako floated up to Daria and said, "I'm Misako. Crow: [panicked] Miss A-ko?! Another crossover! RUUUUN! Mike: No, "ahhhh". Back of the throat. Misahhhh-ko. > I'm >the ghost of a junior high school girl who's been haunting >Greenwood for some time." > Tom: [Misako] But I just got a call telling me to go to some place called Flint, Michigan. >"She got that way when she was ran over by a truck when >she was thinking about boys," Shinobu added. > Mike: And we all know that thinking about boys will cause tragedies. >"I had a rather unpleasant experience with ghosts >recently," Daria pointed out.* > Crow: She was forced to watch the pottery scene between Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore dozens of times. Tom: And she lived? Wow! >*In "The Prepaid Phone Card Call of Tommy Sherman," Daria >was possessed by Tommy's ghost.--Ghostbuster Peter. > Crow: Oh yeah, demonic possession, that's gonna be a "rather unpleasant experience". Sorta like shingles, really. Tom: Venkman? Mike: No. We're not expanding the crossover any more than we have to. >"I'm not one of those evil ghosts," Misako protested. > Crow: She's more like a translucent Chia pet, really. >"Yeah, she seems to make Slimer look like a putz by >comparison," Jane said on Misako's behalf. > Tom: Then again... Crow: A coincidence. Tom: o/~ If there's something strange in the neighborhood - Who ya gonna call... o/~ Mike: Stop that. >"Misako, how dare you tail us over here!," Kazuya now >yelled in anger. "You could have gotten hurt!" > Crow: [Kazuya] Oh, and thanks for saving our lives, ya big load! Tom: [losing it] SHE'S A GHOST YOU SLACK-JAWED WHINING MACHINE! >"Ghosts can't get hurt, Tom: Thank you! > at least physically," Misako >said. Mike: Well, she'll be singing a different story when the Boo Brothers show up. Bots: Hey! Crow: You said stop trying to drag in other stories! Tom: Especially anything having to do with Scrappy Doo! > "But you can hurt my feelings. Crow: [Ska] We can? Thanks! Did I mention that you are a... > I was trying to help >you guys!" > Tom: [Misako, sobbing] Ghosts are people too! Well, dead people, anyway. >"Well, we can do very well without you!," Kazuya now >yelled at full fury. > Tom: Except for the getting shot and killed part, yeah. Mike: He's bringing to bear the full force of his lack of personality! >Suddenly, Misako was beginning to well tears up in her >eyes. > >"Hasukawa, you idiot!," Mitsuru shrieked; "now look >what you've done." > All: [dully] Here we go again... Crow: Sigh. This chapter might've been OVER! Now this endless loop of a subplot's starting again! >Misako began to cry, first silently, then with a loud >"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Mike: Ah, she's doing Hendrix on her Stratocaster. > The whole warehouse began to shake. >The sky clouded up. Thunder and lightning crashed. Tom: Small poodles and tabbies began to fall from the sky... Crow: I had begun a creative writing class... > The >wind howled furiously. Mike: Giant Asteroids bombarded the horizon. Crow: Killer Bees swarmed over the land. Tom: Pauly Shore announced he was returning to movies. > Everyone ran out and saw that a >tsunami was rapidly approaching them. > Crow: Nearby, Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney decided to go out fishing. >"Ska, apologize to Misako before it's too late!," >Shun now yelled. > Tom: Otherwise she'll never learn she can use tantrums to bend us to her will! >Kazuya hated to do this, but he knew that if he didn't >do this, there was going to be some needless property damage >and deaths. > Crow: And while he enjoyed the prospect, it was still business before pleasure. Mike: Great. Property concerns, from the folks whose sole problem-solving skill is throwing grenades at things. >"Oh, dammit!," Kazuya shouted. > >"Dammit, it's my turn to say 'Dammit!;'" Daria shouted >back at him. > Mike: Meanwhile, back in Lawndale... Crow: [Jake] Dammit! Tom: [Helen] Jake? Crow: [Jake] Sorry, I just felt like I need to say that. >"I'm. . .I'm. . .I'm. . ." Tom: o/~ -too sexy for the drive-through! o/~ > Kazuya began to say >hesitantly. > Mike: What? You're tired? Pregnant? A fan of "Narbonic"? Going to K-Mart to buy a garden hose and a pair of socks? >"Hurry up, Hasukawa!," Mitsuru yelled at him. > Crow: Time is running out, or else the Howard family gets the steal. Tom: You must be pathetic more efficiently! >"I'm sorry, Misako," Kazuya now said; "I mean it." > >Misako began to dry her eyes up. The storm now abated. Tom: Misako's mood swings are too strange, even for anime. >Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. > Crow: [sighing] Whew! The scene's over. Thank god! >A National Police car pulled up to the warehouse. Two >officers stepped out. > Crow: [Announcer] Tonight on "Adam-12", Officers Pete Malloy and James Reed look into the Tsunami caper! >"What was that all about?," one of the NPA officers >asked Collins. > Mike: [Collins, shrugging] Eh, apparently banshees cause typhoons. Kinda weak, if you ask me. >"We've got three perps for you; Crow: Perps? Tom: Perps! Bots: Perperperperperperperperperp... Mike: Thank you, that's fine. > one's DOA, the others >are stunned," Collins replied; "They're part of a gun >smuggling ring." > Crow: [officer, in Japanese] I'm sorry. I don't speak English. >The NPA officers entered the warehouse to check it out >for themselves. > Mike: [Officer] Hey, these guys are just faking itAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! >"That clinches it," Collins said. Tom: [Collins] Tokyo cops are naïve as Kansas farmgirls! > "The Tezuka yakuza >is smuggling weapons from China, then selling them to the >Lawndale Militia. Crow: As silly as that sounds. Mike: And then, they'll use the profits to plant ringers in the great Lawndale-Highland football game! > Now we need to take down the boss and we >can wrap this case up nicely." > Tom: Via a colorless shoot-out in yet another abandoned warehouse! >"Nothing in life is ever wrapped up nicely," Daria >warned Collins. > Mike: I don't know. I kinda liked the "Mad About You" finale. >Little did she know how correct she was going to be. Crow: Daria needs more confidence in her pessimistic warnings. Tom: [Guerin] MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >----------------------------------------------------------- >Nagisa had her own forty-story office tower in >Shinjuku, the business district of Tokyo. Nagisa's office >was at a penthouse on top of it. Mike: She was editor of the letters section. > Bill Giroux now entered >the office. > Tom: [Bill] Oh, I'm sorry. I thought there was a Starbuck's up here. >"Greetings, Ms. Tezuka," Bill said as he approached >Nagisa's desk. > Mike: [Nagisa] Um, Bill, I'm near the window. Quit talking to the desk. >"Let's dispense with the formalities and get down to >business," Nagisa said. > Crow: [Nagisa] Why do you want to date my daughter? >"That's fine by me," Bill said. "I think the Feds are >onto me. Crow: Is that why you have a satellite dish on your head? > They staged a commando raid on the Lawndale >Militia's headquarters and destroyed it. Tom: [Bill] I knew that leaving TNT barrels lying around would be bad! > And you know who >was leading the attack? Tom: Jeff Bozo from Amazon.com! Mike: That's actually not his name, Tom. Tom: And? > That bitch Daria Morgendorffer! Crow: [Bill] The ATF has a Kid's Crew now! A Kid's Crew! >She and those jack-booted thugs from the Feds are after me!" > Tom: [Bill] And there's this 15 year old reporter for Rolling Stone on tour with Stillwater! I'm sure it's all connected somehow! >"Mr. Giroux, you're extremely paranoid," Nagisa shot >back. > Crow: Ooh. Shooting at an extreme paranoid. Not a good idea. Mike: [Bill] Paranoid?! *They burned my friggin' house down!* >"Then, tell me, what do you make of the reports that >are coming out from the news media?," Bill snarled. > Mike: [Nagisa] Oh, they're just overplaying this Firestone thing. I don't really think there's really that much danger. >Nagisa decided to turn on the TV and find out for >herself. The TV was tuned in to NHK. Tom: The National Hockey Khannel? > A reporter was >delivering this item: > Tom: [Reporter] Mr. Rodman, who was drunk at the time, had nothing to say to the Queen. >"In the United States [the reporter began], Mike: [reporter] The vote counting in Florida has entered its 200th week... > government >agents busted an attempt by the Lawndale Militia to stage >another attempt Crow: An attempt to make an attempt. Tom: Now that's what I call getting stuck in the development stage. > to take over that town when they raided >a local gun club. Mike: Police say they were tipped off when the club placed an ad in the Lawndale Shopper proclaiming "Come help the Gun Club take over the town! Free beer and pony rides for the kiddies!" > During the melee, which not only >involved agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and >Firearms but a group of bounty hunters as well, Crow: And Jonah Hex was there! > the gun >club was destroyed when a cache of TNT was exploded. Mike: [reporter] In response, Ted Turner has vowed to double the number of showings of "Beastmaster" on his Superstation. Crow: [reporter] The TNT knocked over an oil lamp and set the drapes on fire. Tom: [reporter] When asked why the militia would be stupid enough to leave TNT lying around, they shrugged. > An >investigation is ongoing and NHK will have more details on >this story as they develop." > Crow: There's about a billion things going on in other parts of the world, and the TOKYO news agencies concentrate on some little town in the US. Right. Mike: [reporter] We will now stare blankly at the camera until you cry for mercy. >"Now do you believe me?," Bill said coldly. > Crow: [Nagisa] No... I don't trust the media for the news, not even CBS! >Just then, Agent X entered the room. > Mike: [sotto voce] Agent X is secretly Speed Racer's brother. Crow: And thus was born - THE POWERPUFF MILITIA! >"Sorry to disturb you, Boss," Agent X began to say; Mike: [X] But Agent P asked if he can go to the washroom. Should I let him? Tom: [X] Have to mark a spot in here, won't be a sec. >"but our warehouse was just busted by some American law >enforcement agents." > Tom: [X] You want I should arrange bail for it? >"WHAT!," Nagisa shrieked. > Mike: [muttering] Good Grief. [slowly screaming] OUR... WAREHOUSE... WAS... JUST... BUSTED... BY AMERICAN... AGENTS! >"Word spread throughout the dockside like wildfire," Tom: [X] And it's responsible for about $1 million in property damages. Crow: There's a girl running around looking for a horse telling people about it. >Agent X continued. "I think they mean business." > Mike: [X] Or those American agents were playing around for fun, I dunno! >"So, I see," Nagisa finally admitted. > All: o/~ A female see! Re! A drop of golden sun! o/~ >"Now do you agree that we need to take some action?," >Bill growled. > Tom: [Nagisa] Nah, I'm too lazy. You do it. >"Of course," Nagisa said. Crow: [Nagisa] I'm going to icebox.com and download that funny "Poker Night" cartoon. > "And the first order of >business is to get rid of those meddling gaijin from >America." > Mike: [Nagisa] Is that OK with you, gunrunning gaijin from America? >"Agreed," Bill said. > Tom: [Bill] Yeah, let's get rid of every single American we can get our ha- heeeeeeey, waitaminit! >They shook hands on their agreement. The stakes had >just been risen in this whole affair. Mike: [dramatic] And so the stakes rise, as the bad guys wallow through yet another colorless scene! Crow: Meanwhile, Agent X ran to the local grocery, where average housewives compared his cleaning power to Tide detergent with bleach. >------------------------------------------------------------ >The situation on the homefront was about to get worse >itself. Tom: The Victory Gardens weren't coming in well and the nylon shortage was beginning to be felt. > Several trucks in camouflage were going down the >street and toward Lawndale High School. Tom: Okay, so the town's recently been devastated by a bunch of paramilitary goons, yet no one notices that "several" military looking vehicles are prowling around a school zone?! Crow: Maybe they're camouflaged as street signs. Mike: Besides, we're talking about *Lawndale*, remember? Tom: Oh, yeah. Never mind, then. > They pulled up into >the school's parking lot, and suddenly the whole Lawndale >Militia clambered out of the vehicles. Crow: Well, the entire Militia left after the previous decimating battles. Mike: That'd be Irv, Steve and Merle. > They broke down the >doors and entered. Crow: [militiaman] We could've just opened the doors. Tom: [militiaman] Shut up. Crow: [militiaman] They were unlocked... Tom: [militiaman] Shut up! > They set off the metal detectors that >were put at each entrance by Angela Li, the principal. Mike: [militiaman] Metal detectors! RETREAT!!! Crow: So, they invested $100K on metal detectors, but not $7 an hour for some old coot to act as the crotchety old security guard? > But >they just didn't give a damn at the moment. They advanced >onto Ms. Li's office. > Crow: Oh-oh, they've been sent to the principal's office! Tom: This may even go on their permanent record! >Inside her office, Ms. Li was talking on the phone with >a security equipment supply company. > Mike: [Li] Look, you must have some handcuffs small enough for first graders. >"Yes, if you're willing to give me a ten percent >discount on mace," Ms. Li said, "I'll take ten cases so that >the security department can be set for the school year." > Crow: She must be getting ready for Prom. Mike: You'd think that the Prom committee would find a better theme than "We Salute the Chicago 1968 Democratic Convention"! >Suddenly, the door to her office was kicked down. Crow: And the INS shows up to retrieve Elian Gonzales. >Brad Schlitz approached her. > Tom: Ironically, she was drinking a Budweiser at the time. >"What is the meaning of this?," Ms. Li roared. > Crow: [Brad] Eh, someone's engaging in parallel structure again. We're gonna have to hang out here, terrorize you and stuff, until they wrap things up in Japan. >Brad yanked the phone out of Ms. Li's hand and shoved >her off the seat. > Mike: [Li] Geez, if you're just repossessing my chair, you don't have to be so mean! >"We're taking over, toots!," Brad snapped at her. Crow: [Li] This is because of that deal we made with Coors, isn't it? Look, I'm flexible. We can deal! Mike: "Toots"? Tom: Yeah, you know - a dizzy dame. A frail. A right broad. > He >then shoved her in the direction of two Militiamen. > Mike: Oh my God, they're re-enacting a scene from "A Night at the Roxbury"! >"Take her to the cafeteria with the other faculty >members," Brad sharply ordered. > Crow: [Brad] Make them eat - THE MYSTERY MEAT! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!! Mike: [militaman] Um... other, faculty members? What? Crow: [Brad] It happened off screen, OK? Just go! >Brad now sat at Ms. Li's desk. "It's your move now, >Morgendorffer," he sneered to himself. > Tom: You know, replace Brad Schlitz with the Pope, and this is exactly what school vouchers would do. Mike: No. >------------------------------------------------------------ >At the cafeteria, the Fashion Club was holding yet >another of its emergency meetings. > Crow: [Sandi] So, like, Madonna's wearing cowboys hats now, so should we. Mike: [Stacy] Ohmigod! But we'll all get hat hair! I'm hyperventilating! >"Like, now that your suspension's up and you bought >all that stuff for us, Quinn,"* began Sandi Griffin, the >Fashion Club's President, "You're fully reinstated to your >post as Vice-President." > Mike: Strangely enough, this is very close to how politics actually works. Crow: Well, except for the lack of recounts and lawsuits. >*In "The Dinner Date from Hell," Quinn's punishment for >lying to Sandi and the others about her relationship with >Daria Tom: -was to run her hand along the deli slicer. > was that her membership was suspended for a month >and she had to buy everything the other members wanted at >Cranberry Commons Mike: Who's for another round of cranberry fettuccine alfredo? > on their first trip up there after her >suspension was up.--Joe Friday Peter. > Crow: Pete's obsession with "the facts" finally comes to a head. >"Thanks, Sandi," Quinn replied, with tears in her eyes. >"I promise you I won't lie about anything to anyone of you >guys again." > Tom: [Quinn] And neither will my new boyfriend, Justin Timberlake! This I swear not only as the Fashion Club vice-president, but as the heir to the throne of Belgium! Mike: She must have spent a little too much time around President Gore. >"You'd better not," Sandi warned, "or else you will be >expelled from the Fashion Club for good. Tom: [Sandi] No second terms for you, young lady! > And as for your >weirdo sister of yours, Daria, we're never going to admit >her as a member; Mike: Darn. And that's always been one of Daria's lifelong dreams. > she's too geeky for our tastes." > Tom: o/~ She's - too geeky for our tastes, too geeky for our tastes, for our hips and our waaaaaaists... o/~ >"Yeah," cooed Tiffany Woo, Tom: Portrayed by Jada Pinkett. > the club's fashion co-ordinator. > >"I don't know," Stacy Nibblet, Mike: Oh, I heard she's dating Sprout now. Crow: Ho-ho-ho! > the club's secretary said, >"Daria seems to be an OK person to me."* > Tom: [Stacy] Although I've been hearing people calling her a bitch at some sort of gun club... >*I owe one to Danny Bronstein for the last names for >Tiffany and Stacy; Crow: Inaccurate last names, but last names nonetheless. > he used those for his recent "Who Shot >Principal Li?" two-part fanfic.--J. R. Peter. > Mike: Great, now he thinks he runs that catalog on "Seinfeld". >"Do you want to remain a member of the Fashion Club, >Stacy?," Sandi sneered in her stuck-up voice. > >Stacy then shut up. > Tom: Two unforgivable sins: lying, and expressing an opinion. >Suddenly, the doors of the cafeteria were smashed open. All: Kool-Aid Man! Tom: [KAM] OH YEAH! >The Militiamen were herding the faculty into the cafeteria. > All: Mooo! Moo-o-o-o-o-o! Mooooooooo! >"Get you filthy paws off me, you man!," sneered Janet >Barch, the science teacher. > All: [Tiredly] You did it. Damn you. Damn you all to hell. >The Militiaman shoving her forward flashed his AK-47 >in front of her face, causing her to faint. > Tom: Wow. I gotta get me one of them for my sleep apnea. >"Why did I KNOW that THIS was COMING?," yelled Anthony >DeMartino, the social studies teacher, as his right eye >bulged out. > Tom: [DeMartino] Maybe it's BECAUSE I was the ONLY one of you pathetic LOSERS who read the LAST story by Mr. GUERIN!!! >"It's not nice to treat people the way you do," said >Timothy O'Neill, the English teacher in his calm, soothing >voice. > Crow: Characterization! It's fun! >Another Militiaman seized Mr. O'Neill's right hand >and began to crackle his knuckles, causing Mr. O'Neill >to wince in pain. > Mike: [O'Neill, wincing] Nope! Still not nice. Aaaargh... >"I served in Operation Desert Storm, and I can take >on any of you with my hands tied behind my back!," shouted >Samantha Morris, the girls' gym teacher. > Tom: [Brad] Tompkins, make a note not to tie her hands behind her back. >Brad went up to her and punched her in the solar >plexus, knocking her to the floor. > Mike: Well, she could still take you if her hands were tied! Tom: Okay, so the basic idea we're supposed to take away here, I'm guessing, is that the faculty is a bunch of wimpy, ineffective clods. >Quinn could see several other people she knew: Crow: Like Sarah Jessica Parker, and Carrot Top! >Claire DeFoe, the art teacher; Dr. Margaret Manson, >the school psychologist; Crow: So welcome to the dope show. > Arlene Chase, Tom: The Vigilante? > the school >nurse, and so forth. Mike: These are the people too unimportant to merit on-screen humiliation. > Ms. Li was herded in last. > Tom: Ironically, they were using Ms. Li's very own cattle prods. >"All right, all right, all right!," Brad shouted. >"We're keeping you in here while we make our demands >to the outside world! Mike: No more geography questions on "Millionaire"! > If anyone tries to escape, they >will be shot!" > Tom: If you behave- frozen Yoo-hoos all around! I love you kids! Crow: [Brad] We originally thought of letting you escape, but then we wouldn't be right-wing extremists, right? >With that, he and the other Militiamen left, locking >the cafeteria doors tightly. > Mike: [Brad] And now we'll leave you all alone where you can think of a plan to outwit us all. >Ms. Li regained her composure and stood in front of >the other faculty members. Besides them and the Fashion >Club, there were some other students who were having lunch. > Crow: [student] Hey. Militiamen just took the staff hostage. Tom: [student] Cool. Mike: [student] You guys want to trade sandwiches? >"Now, students," Ms. Li began to say, "I know we're in >a very dangerous situation, but we can see this through. Crow: Well sure. We just walk out the doors at the other end. >I'm going to need a few volunteers to get help. >Participation in this is strictly voluntary, but those who >don't participate will face expulsion once this whole affair >is settled." > Mike: Let's see, what's better? Getting shot or getting expelled? Hmmmm... >Mr. DeMartino was not going to take this lying down. > Mike: So he squatted on the floor instead. >"Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino began, Tom: [DeMartino] I REQUEST that we FORGET about this for A while and have some CAFETERIA food! > "it was your BULLHEADED >insistence about GOING on with the game between us and >HIGHLAND while they ATTACK the first time that got us >into TROUBLE then! Crow: When the THING with the BANG and the CRASH, OOOO! > We don't need your meddling this time! >You know you're still being investigated for what happened >LAST time!* > Crow: And yet she's still allowed to stay in her position? Mike: She's being investigated by Dan Burton. Nobody cares. >*Indeed, all that did transpire in "Misery Senshi." >--Bishônen Senshi Sailor Peter. > [All snicker. Mike shakes his head.] Tom: To recap: "Mitsubishi Showerhead Nutso Banjo Dodo". Mike: Did someone convince Pete there was an Internet award for "Most Pointless Footnote"? >Ms. Li was cowed into silence with Mr. DeMartino's ranting. Crow: And again, I reiterate - moo. >She slunked into the far corner of the cafeteria. > Mike: "Slunked"? Tom: Slinked? Crow: Slank? >Everyone now realized that it was now indeed payback >time. Mike: Hey! We realized that chapters ago! We're ahead of the curve! Tom: Let's get some payback of our own... [The trio stand and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The bridge] [Tom is dressed in a sportscoat, tie and glasses, and is examining some papers on the console.] Tom: Bernice, is my schedule clear? Magic Voice: [V.O.] There's still a group of gun toting gaijin out here. Tom: Hmm. Do they have an appointment? [Crow, once again dressed as Daria, bursts onto the Bridge.] Crow: We don't need any appointment! We're Americans! We demand to know your students' schedules! Now! And bring me a burger! Tom: Hrmph! Why such rudeness! I bet you're not rude in the Hypermart when you go shopping! Or when you got over to the drug store that you were at in that parade episode! Or... Mike: [O.S.] Cut, cut! [Mike enters, dressed like a stereotypical 1920s film director.] Mike: No, I'm sorry. I'm just not buying this. Crow: I thought I was spot on in my characterization. Mike: No, there's something missing here. Tom: Maybe I should act like Keanu Reeves. Mike: No, that's still not it. Oh. Got it! Crow! I want you to kick Tom in the crotch! Crow: Okay! [Crow rushes over to Tom and begins to kick Tom, who seems rather unaffected.] Tom: Mike? I don't really have a crotch. Mike: Oh, well then let's go with Plan... [As Mike speaks, a phone begins to ring. When Cambot pulls back, we see that once again, an old style, black, rotary phone is on the console. Mike looks at the bots, then walks over to answer the phone.] Mike: Yello? [straightening] Oh, hello Governor. Sorry, I mean Mr. President-Elect. Why, yes. I did mention Vice President Gore earlier He's a character in the story. [pause] Well, you're probably not mentioned because the story was written before you joined the race. I dunno. Maybe he thought Quayle was going to run. No, sir. I'm not comparing you to Dan Quayle. He was just the first guy who came to mind... Well, no. No. I can see... No. No, I didn't mean that either. And... no. Not that either. Sir... Wait, is irritootable even a word? [pause] No, riggidocius isn't one either. Okay, I'm sorry. No, don't do that... I... [sighing] okay, I'll hold. Tom: What's he doing, putting his dad on the line? Mike: Worse. Crow: Barb? Mike: Worse. [to phone] Huh? Hello Mr. Cheney. Yes, I know. No, that wasn't my... Yes, yes. I'm sorry. No, I don't enjoy making a world leader cry. Yes. Yes, I'll think long and hard about this sir. [The lights begin to flash wildly.] Mike: Sir? I'm sorry but I have to go. WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN! What? No, sir. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. [Mike sheepishly hits the lights and the door sequence begins again.] Mike: Yes sir. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry sir... [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] Crow: Well, at least he didn't come down too hard on ya! Mike: He said he was holding back because he hadn't had his nitro pills yet today. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 5: Daria Super-Paean >------------------------------------------------------------ All: Ewwwwwwwww!! Crow: THANK YOU DARIA! BUT THE PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE. > >Trent admittedly was having trouble getting used to >driving on Japanese streets. Tom: The Japanese have some silly law about only driving while you're awake. > He was used to the comforts >afforded to him in his blue Plymouth Valiant Mike: Ach, who reads that cartoon? Crow: In fairness, a Prince Valiant crossover would make as much sense as anything else at this point. > back home in >Lawndale. Mike: Now he was driving a Neon. > Further, driving on the left side of the road >needed some getting used to. Tom: Trent was adjusting by simply driving down the center of the road. > To make it even more >difficult, Crow: He was blindfolded and talking on the cellphone. > most streets in Japan didn't bother with names; Mike: Just nicknames. Or "buddy". Or "sister". Or bub. >instead, street addresses followed a rather complex >numbering system based on what neighborhood in a ward the >house was located in and what lot number it was. Crow: Oddly, that's the same formula the AP uses to rank college football. Tom: Plus the streets have these dots running down them, and this big yellow globe races around eating them. > The small >Toyota Camry he, Daria and Jane were riding in didn't >negotiate the tight corners and narrow streets pretty well. Mike: Now, if he were driving a decent, AMERICAN car, he could simply drive through those buildings, but no, he had to get an import... >But at last, they arrived at the home of Katsuhiro Hasukawa. Mike: It's straight at the end of the tight corn- LOOK OUT! Tom: SCREEEEECH- >CRASH!< Crow: [nervous] Heh-heh. Hi, Mr. Hasukawa! Hope we're not barging in on you, heh. >Hiro, Tom: Was a pizza delivery driver and a samurai hacker extraordinaire. Crow: Alas. We've got to read about this doofus. > as he preferred to be called, was Kazuya's brother and >was also Ryokuto Academy's nurse. Mike: He was also Racer X, and probably Sailor Triton or Charon or Cassiopeia or something. > He was married to Sumire, >a young lady whom Kazuya once had a crush on. Her >subsequent marriage resulted in Kazuya's decision to enroll >at Ryokuto. Tom: [sighing] You know, Pete, if you were going to do this during the story, it makes the preface really depressing. > Trent stopped the car. He, Daria and Jane >got out as Trent went to the door and rang the bell. > Crow: HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Mike: It's not that kind of bell! Stop! >Hiro answered the door. Tom: Aw, he ain't nothin' but a sandwich. Crow: [Lurch] You rannnng? > "Oh, there you are, Mr. Lane," >he greeted him; "I'm so glad you took up my offer I made >when you came back from Yokohama about letting you and your >friends stay with us." > Mike: [Hiro] Was that retroactive plot rationalization clear enough? >"It wasn't too difficult of a decision to make;" Daria >replied; Tom: [Hiro] Hey, I was talking to Lane! > "even if the typical Japanese house is cramped >compared to an American house, Crow: If you have any better idea on how to put over 125 million people in Japan, I'd like to hear it. > I'll take this place over >that sardine can they call a hotel we were staying at." > Mike: That's it, Morgendorffer - ingratiate yourself to your hosts. Tom: [Daria] You think I'm kidding? Our keys were bent pieces of metal with eyes to stick the tab in! >"And you must be Daria Morgendorffer," Hiro said. Tom: [Hiro] They said you were a whiney gaijin girl. > He >pointed to Sumire and said, "This is my wife Sumire." > Crow: [Hiro] She's a Hittite! Tom: Tom pointed to the door and said, "This is my cue to exit. Bye!" Mike: Get back here. >Sumire politely bowed at the three of them. > Crow: So are they going to introduce every single character in this story? Tom: I think they just did. >"Oh, yeah," Trent added; "this is my sister, Janey." > Crow: [Guerin] Oh, there's one more. Gotta get everyone in! >"Glad to meet all of you," Sumire replied. > Mike: And by "glad" she means "resigned to her fate". >"Well, I guess I'll let you get settled in," Hiro said. >"I got Kazuya's room set up for you ladies." > Tom: [Hiro] You'll need earplugs. Some of his whining is still echoing off the walls. >"I brought my own sleeping bag," Jane said. > Mike: It's from REI. [A cash register KA-CHING can be heard in the distance.] >"Where do you want to stay, Trent?," Sumire asked him. > Crow: [Trent] Well I hear the Luxor is nice. >"You have a couch here?," Trent asked. > Tom: [Trent] Are there leftover chips and beer? >"Well. . .we do, Mike: -but it's too nice to sit on. Here, have a comfy floor pillow! > but I can fix up Hiro's old room for >you," Sumire said, almost embarrassed that her guest could >even consider sleeping on a couch. Crow: Heck, Trent won't even consider washing in the bathroom. > "He used that before we >got married and we began using his parents' old room." > Mike: Got a weight bench in there, dumbbell rack, an old boom box with some PJ Harvey tapes... >"Naw," Trent answered; "the couch will be all right." > Tom: [Trent] It's a good place to watch some of these XXX Asian ultra-violent porn videos I rented. >"Trent isn't too difficult to please," Jane added. Mike: [Jane] Just give him a bit of string or something shiny and he'll be entertained for hours. >"Besides, he's a heavy sleeper." > Crow: Clutch your seat, as the sleeping arrangement excitement explodes from the page! >"You mean he snores a lot?," Hiro asked. > >"No, he just sleeps a lot," Jane said. > Mike: And eats ham and jam and spam a lot. Crow: [softly] o/~ Do do do do, do do do. Do do do. Do do... o/~ >"You must have a pretty demanding job for you to >sleep a lot," Sumire said. > Tom: Smoking your bodyweight in Mary Jane isn't a job, exactly. Crow: More like a calling. >"I'm a musician," Trent replied; Crow: 'Nuff said? > "I front my own band >called Mystik Spiral. Mike: [Trent] But we're thinking of changing our name. Tom: [Trent] People keep suggesting, "Get Off The Freakin' Stage". > We put in a lot of practice and we >have a weekly gig at McGrundy's Pub every Sunday." > Mike: [Trent] And we sing the national anthem four hours a day. Crow: [Hiro] So many times? Mike: [Trent] Nah, just once. >"That must take a lot out of you," Hiro said. Crow: [Trent] Just my will to live - no big deal. Tom: Yeah, one lousy gig a week really wipes them out! > "Then >again, from what I hear, you rock stars make as much money >at one concert than the President of the United States >does in one year." > Tom: [Trent] Yeah, but he has a much larger legal defense fund. >"If I was only that lucky," Trent mused. > >"Hey, someday you'll get that big break," Jane said. Mike: The disconnect between dreams and reality that allow so many garage bands to fester. >"After all, you placed second recently at the Lawndale Days >talent competition."* > Tom: Well, considering first place went to Old Man Carruthers and his bird calls, I wouldn't get too excited. Crow: And again someone continues to show his vast knowledge of every episode of Daria. Mike: We don't care. Move on! You never see the people at "Babylon 5" interrupt their episodes EVERY TIME just to explain previous references! >*Another tip of the hat to C. E. Forman there. Mike: He didn't name all eight of his kids "C.E.", did he? Crow: One can hope. > That >happened in his two-part story "Rain on Your Parade/ >Quinntet." However, the event was fixed, as you will read >shortly--John Philip Peter. > Crow: Well sheesh, just SPOIL the suspense for us! Tom: There's suspense? Crow: Oh yea...nevermind. >"Uh, Trent, I've got to tell you the truth about that," >Daria said. > Mike: [Daria] The judges didn't consider body funk a "talent". >"What do you mean?," Trent asked her. > Mike: [Daria] Look, Trent, I keep telling you - that wasn't the talent competition. You were playing the Lawndale Zoo. Tom: [Trent] But they were all applauding. Mike: [Daria] No, your music just set off the monkey house. >"Do you remember that it was the high school marching >band that won that competition?," Daria asked Trent. > Crow: [Trent] Yeah, they were all dressed like National Guardsmen and were singing Fleetwood Mac songs. >"Yeah?," Trent replied. > Mike: [Daria] Well, me and the marching band went out for drinks afterwards... and one thing led to another... it meant nothing, Trent, I swear! Tom: [losing it] LOOK, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ENTIRE EPISODE GUIDE! JUST GET TO THE DAMN PLOT POINT! AARRRRRRGH! Mike: Feeling better, Tom? Tom: ... yeah *pant*, Mike *pant*... I'll be *pant* fine. >"Well, Upchuck told me that Ms. Li bribed the judges so >that we won. Tom: He could have told someone important, or say, the press, but no, he told Daria instead. Mike: Her reaction? Dull surprise. > She paid off that bastard Judge Cornelius J. >Reinhart-- Crow: Oh, he must be that guy Yerko's seeing in hell. Mike: It might be some other bastard, Crow. Reserve judgment. > the same one who held me in contempt that day I >was with Mom for "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"* Tom: Maybe Helen shouldn't have let Daria handle that bail hearing. > --and he >persuaded the other judges to vote for us." > Tom: Kinda like a normal day at the IOC. Mike: Oh, thank you Peter. Thank you for spoiling someone else's story for us. Crow: Now when Pearl sends that one up to us, we'll have to pretend we don't know what's coming! >*The judge did indeed throw the book at Daria Crow: But since it was "Life's Little Instruction Book", it wasn't particularly threatening. > in >another of C. E.'s stories, "To Helen Back"--Bailiff Rusty >Peter. > Tom: Mike, you're not gonna contract Rusty Peter, are you? Mike: Relax. I saw the filmstrip in sex ed. I'm protected. >"I should have won it fair and square!," Trent now >bellowed. Tom: The part of Trent will played by Officer Hooks from "Police Academy". > "I should tell the Board of Education about >this when we get back!" > Crow: [Trent] Oh, and thanks for lying about it 'til now. This whole foreign country gunrunning thing really helps put it in perspective! >"From what I've heard, Jodie Landon's dad was going to >run for the board at the next election," Daria said; Crow: Okay, we start off with gun runners, militia men and the yakuza and somehow we've wandered off into the fast paced world of school board elections. Mike: We'll be reading about First Presbyterian's bake sale soon. > "he was >going to spearhead a reform ticket that was going to take a >serious look at Ms. Li's actions."* > [All grumble as they see the dreaded asterisk again.] Tom: Take a look?! You know what happened! >*I was going to hint about Andrew Landon's running for >the school board in my aborted "Daria Generic Holiday >Special," but I didn't get a chance to. [Silence] Tom: Now we're getting footnotes for things that NEVER EVEN HAPPENED?!? Mike: In the next chapter, we'll get to read about the trip he never took to Greece. > Suffice to say, Crow: Repetition! Mike: Repetition! Tom: Repetition! >I should do a story someday that will fill in the gaps. [All whimper] Crow: I'll footnote back to THIS story so you know I decided to! Tom: [Guerin] And then I'll fill them in with some more pointless small talk! Mike: And then thanks to the causality loop it invokes, the universe will implode! >Suffice to say, Andrew decides to run after Ted's folks >successfully sue Ms. Li (with Helen representing them, >natch) after she forces Ted to participate in an activity >that went against the family's personal beliefs. Mike: Like what, Personal Hygiene Friday? > I think >I'll let this and all of her other abuses of power come >back to haunt her in my proposed story "All the Principal's >Men and Women." [All whimper some more.] Tom: Geez, how many times can you remove the same person from the same office? Mike: Apparently, an infinite number. > --"I am not a crook!" Peter. > Crow: Although some people call him the Gangster of Love. >"I'll tell him about this when we get back," Trent >vowed. "Ms. Li won't get away with this!" > Mike: Thanks to those meddling kids! Tom: I swear I will not rest until Ms. Li won't get away with this! >"Right now, why don't we eat some dinner?," Hiro >offered. "I'm pretty sure you're starving." > Crow: [Hiro] How about a traditional Japanese meal of tube worms sautéed in an apricot sauce? >"Sure," Jane said. "Just thinking of bumping off Ms. >Li makes me crave for some meat." > Tom: Well, sure, I can - huh? Mike: Jane Lane *is* Juan Schwartz *as* Alfred Packerd. Crow: Well... maybe Jane's been possessed by one of Misako's little demon friends. >Daria looked at Jane rather puzzledly. Mike: And no wonder. Crow: [Daria] Tell you what, Jane, you take the right side of the room, and I'll just sleep over here - in Kyoto. Tom: I'm still puzzled about the word "puzzledly". >------------------------------------------------------------ >It was about 10:00 PM when Daria and Jane decided to >turn in for the evening. Daria was wearing her usual >bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts, while Jane >was wearing a red T-shirt and white shorts. Mike: Ok, boys, thank Mr. Guerin for making the girls not naked. Bots: [flatly] Thank you, Mr. Guerin. > Daria was in >Kazuya's old bed while Jane was in her sleeping bag. > Tom: Given this, what time will the eastbound train arrive in Chicago? >"You know, my family's got a nickname for these bags," >Jane said to Daria. > Mike: [Jane] We call them 'bed rolls'. Crow: [Daria] Huh. Funny ol' world. >"What?," Daria asked. > Tom: [Jane] I call them big human-sized Hefty bags. >"We call them 'fart sacks,'" Jane replied. > Crow: [British] Oh, how witty and droll, Shaw. Tom: And the sparkling wit of "Daria" is replaced by jokes rejected from "Meatballs 4". >"UGH!," was Daria's reply as she yanked off her >eyeglasses. > Mike: Because improving your eyesight makes you more likely to flatulate. >Suddenly, Jane let one rip. > [All groan and cry.] Mike: Daria & Jane are slowly turning into a distaff Beavis & Butthead. Crow: Good. There were some eight-year-olds whose intelligence hadn't been insulted yet. I think that got'em. >Daria flung a pillow at Jane. > Tom: Oh please let there be a brick in there... >"At times, I really hate you when you do things like >that," snipped Daria. > Mike: Sixty times a minute, 3600 an hour, and so on. >"Hey, chill out," Jane replied. > >Hiro stepped into the room. > Crow: [Hiro] I heard gunfire! What happened? >"You ladies all right?," he asked. > Mike: [Hiro] I thought World War II was starting all over again! >"Yeah, we're just ducky," Daria said in her usual >sarcastic tone. > Tom: [Daria] Quack, quack. I'm a sarcastic ducky. Quack, quack. >"Just checking," Hiro said, completely unaware that he >was just cut down to size. [All snicker.] Crow: I can see how that might escape him. > He left. > >"Good night, Jane," Daria said. > >"Good night, John Boy," replied Jane. > Mike: Good night, McCormick. Tom: Good night, Chief. Crow: Good night, McCloud. >Daria couldn't resist the opportunity that set-up >gave. She grabbed her harmonica from one of her bags and >played a few bars. Mike: [Daria] I woke up this morning! Then I went back to bed! Tom: Uh, Daria, that's not how you play "Runaround", kid. Leave the tough stuff to Popper. Crow: Since when does Daria play harmonica? Tom: Since Pete thought up the joke. Crow: Oh, right. > She then turned off the lights. > >A couple of hours had passed when Trent woke up. Mike: [waking from a nightmare] Yah! Oh, god, I dreamed disco was back and... OH NO! AAAUGH! > He >was finding the couch too uncomfortable. Mike: [Trent] Why the heck did these guys make a couch made out of burning concrete? And why did I want to sleep on it? Tom: Yep, the narcoleptic character who falls asleep everywhere finds the couch uncomfortable. Sure. > He realized that >maybe he should have taken Sumire's offer of setting him up >at Hiro's old room. Crow: Or maybe he shouldn't have fallen asleep on top of the cat. Tom: Irony Lite! All the regret of regular irony, with one-third the relevance! > He got off the couch and went to >Kazuya's old room. He silently entered and approached Daria >in Kazuya's bed. > Tom: o/~ I, don't know how to LOOOOVE, her! o/~ >"Daria? Are you asleep?," Trent asked her. > Crow: [Daria] Yes... what do you think, dickweed? >Daria stirred. "Uh, wha?," Daria said groggily. > Tom: Now *that's* witty! Mike: [Trent] Are you sleeping, damn it! Come on, tell me! >"It's just me, Trent," was his response. "That couch >isn't too comfortable, to tell you the truth. Mind if you >switched with me?" > Tom: [Daria] Great. You can be the sarcastic intellectual outcast, and I'll be the narcoleptic slacker rocker- wannabe. >"Why not just hop in?," Daria said. > Crow: [Trent] Uh-uh. My plea agreement was very explicit. >Trent climbed in. He was still in his street clothes. >He was seeing Daria in her bed clothes for the first time. > Tom: He's never seen her in a T-shirt and shorts? Mike: Trent usually summers in Kennebunkport. >"You'd ever consider wearing something like that during >the summer?," Trent asked her. Crow: Um, Trent? People don't wear pajamas in public during ANY season. > "The outfit you usually wear >can get hot during that time." Trent noticed that Daria >wasn't wearing a bra underneath her T-shirt. > Mike: Oh good. Because I was wondering if we'd get around to even more of the braless obsession we experienced in "Mississippi Zooboomafoo Centerville Dingdong". Tom: Trent? I'm a robot, and even I know that women don't wear bras to bed. Mike: Well, you know how unworldly those musicians are. >"Trent, ever since the last time the Lawndale Militia >tried to take over the town, we haven't been this intimate," >Daria said. Crow: This is about as intimate as the Nasdaq trading floor! > "I was beginning to think what happened after >I returned from Tokyo was just a one-night stand." > Crow: But, of course, he's never seen her in her bedclothes! Tom: No, but apparently, he's seen her ou- Mike: Ahem. >"Well," Trent began to say--he knew he had to say this >just right so Daria didn't think he was hurting her >feelings-- Tom: Or else a big Tsunami would come crashing on him. Mike: [Trent] You're kinda goofy looking, Daria, so I dumped you for a stacked blonde groupie. > "I didn't know how your parents were going to >react if they knew how much I love you. Crow: Peter? Trent told Jake and Helen already! Remember? You wrote it? Mike: Let's not lecture the King of Footnotes, guys. > After all, I'm 21 >and you're 16. Crow: And the police swoop in and nab Trent on statutory rape charges. Mike: It'll never stick. They'll have to read "Misery" to prove it. > But you're so mature for your age. You >didn't tell them about us making love after you came home >from Tokyo, did you?" > Tom: [Daria, deadpan] No. I assumed my screams of ecstasy resounded o'er hill and dale. Crow: [Daria] You're still alive, aren't you? >"No," Daria said. "If that happened, both my parents >would have gone ballistic and we'd all be in therapy for the >rest of our lives. Mike: [Daria] Sex is BAD, Trent. BAAAAD! > The funny thing is, Tom: [Daria] We would still be qualified for therapy regardless of this! > they seem to like >you, even if you're unemployed and get stuck in low-paying >gigs. Crow: [Daria] Plus you've got the I.Q. of a retarded wallaby. Let's not forget that. Mike: [Daria] Those mind-altering drugs I'm slipping them really do the trick. > I didn't even tell them about the time I got >pierced."* > >*That happened in the actual "Daria" episode "Pierce Me". Crow: Why would a woman get pierced? Tom: So she can get hold of a STUD! POOM! >--Peter Guerin (who'd rather swallow cyanide than get >anything pierced on his body). > Mike: [sniggling] Wow! I didn't know that was even a possibility! >"Didn't your sister find out and tell them?," Trent >asked. > >"By the time Dad asked me to show it, the piercing had >healed up. Crow: If only the holes in the narrative closed as quickly. > I tried to tell Dad later on that Quinn was >telling the truth, but he said, Mike: [Jake] Surely, you jest! > 'Well, you know your sister; >always trying to find some way to put you down. Even if you >did get a piercing, would we really care? Crow: Um, yes? Tom: Don't quotes usually end after one sentence? Mike: Usually. But let's see where the author's unique vision takes us now! > Don't your mother >and I know by now that you're old enough to know what >you're getting into? Crow: Oh yeah, 16 years old is the actual age of adulthood! Tom: [hopping] Excuse me? Is she referring to her shorthand?! ENOUGH WITH THE QUOTE ALREADY! Mike: There comes a point where it's not so much a quote as a flashback. > Maybe for your next birthday I can >see about getting you a tattoo on your belly. You know, >your mother's got a smiley-face tattoo on her left >buttock.'" > Tom: Yeah, this is *just* what Jake would say. Sure. Mike: We must be in another of those dream sequences set to REM songs. >"Mr. M actually said that?," Trent said in shock. > Crow: The only thing that could shock Trent are the words "You're opening for Anne Murray". >"Well, you know Dad," Daria said; "always saying the >wrong things at the wrong time. Crow: [Daria] Remember when he told that reporter about GWB's DWI? Mike: He order words his gets the right in never. > I just can't wait to see >Mom's reaction will be if Dad actually does this." > Mike: I imagine it somewhere along the lines of a very stern "JAKE!" >"Well, for what it's worth," Trent continued, "My folks >always liked you. My mom's always saying 'That Daria girl's >kind of special to you; don't lose her.' Mike: Keep her chained up outside so you'll always know where she is. > Dad's the same >way. After Wind met you, he had plenty to say about you. Tom: [Trent] Albeit incoherent, but he did say a LOT. >Next time Summer or Penny are over, you should see them >as well." > Crow: [Trent] Many other minor Lawndale characters feel similarly! These include: Miss Barch! Andrea, the Goth girl! And those lovable, huggable Gupties! >"By the way, why is Penny out of the country?," Daria >asked Trent. > Mike: Oh, she's just following Krokus while they're on their "Aberrants Away" tour. Tom: [takes a deep breath, screams] AAAAAAAAAAUGH!!! [losing it] Why is this happening?! Why is this scene here?! Where are the gun smugglers, the militia men?! WHAT... DOES... ANY... OF THIS... MEAN?! Mike: Tom? Bite down on this pencil. [Mike inserts a pencil in Tom's mouth. Tom growls, and bites down hard.] Mike: There! That's better. >"Well, something bad happened at Lawndale and she got >implicated in it," Trent said. Crow: She later told Esquire that the Republicans should apologize for prosecuting her. Tom: [pencil in mouth, vindictively] Bmgh mph gmblmgh gm blgh! Crow: Heh, you said it guy. > "Until then, the Lanes >prided themselves in keeping clean with the law. We may >be weird as shit Mike: That's pretty mundane, if you think about it. Crow: I... choose not to, thank you. > but we're not criminals."* > Tom: Brmph mgl frmph grlhp! >*That is a question that needs to be asked: Mike: Who is Cartman's father? Is it Mr. Garrison? John Elway? Lee Majors...? > Why "is" >Penny out of the country? Crow: Maybe she's in the cast of Survivor II. Mike: Does it matter? After all, Penny Lane *is* in our hearts and in our eyes. Tom: Mrph? Mike: Oh, sorry. [Mike removes the pencil from Tom's mouth.] Mike: Better? Tom: I guess. > I intend to explore that matter All: NOOOO! Crow: Ugh! It's like hearing Ken Russell is still working! Bluch! >in a proposed fan fic I'm tentatively calling "Strange >Reunions," which will also feature an appearance by >Brittany's biological mother. Crow: Plus Go-Ku from "Dragonball Z" as well as REO Speedwagon! Mike: So, every question on the flippin' series, he makes a fanfic out of? Tom: Mike? Can you put the pencil back in my mouth? Mike: Nope. You'll have to suffer with the rest of us. > --"In Search Of" Peter. > Crow: Now he's telling us things that he WILL BE writing in the future?! WHY AM I SITTING HERE?! >"Maybe my mother can clear her name," Daria offered. > Tom: And maybe Judge Reinhart can throw obstacles in her path while doing so! Mike: Just like she cleared the names of Zimmerman, Dreyfuss, and those nice Rosenbergs. >"We'll see," Trent said. > >Daria had this forlorn look on her face, like she >wanted something. Tom: If it's a puppy, then she should forget about it. Jake's allergic to them. > Trent realized that, then slowly took >his hand and stuck it underneath Daria's shirt. Crow: Which was hanging over the back of a chair at the time. Mike: Where are May's grenades when you need them?! > They began >to kiss. Tom: Maybe if we set off three crates of TNT they'll turn their heads to the noise. > Jane--who had slept through all this--got out of >the sleeping bag so she could use the toilet room.* Crow: *urf* And I don't blame her a bit. Tom: Can we come too? PLEASE? > She >saw what Daria and Jane were doing, Crow: What Daria and *Jane* were doing? Talk about projected fantasies! > smirked to herself, >and had to restrain herself from saying, "All right! Go for >it!" > Mike: Jane's the creepy one in the family. Crow: And considering the family, that's really saying something! >*In Japanese homes, the bathroom has just the bath, >shower and sink. Mike: And a karaoke machine, of course. > The toilet is in a separate room >altogether. Japanese toilet are becoming more elaborate >things, Tom: Often sporting widow's peaks with elaborate gingerbread along the edging. > with built-in radios, Crow: Finally, an appropriate place to listen to Limbaugh! > electronic noises and bidets >as well. Tom: And here's the latest 2002 model toilet, with a built-in Toyota Tundra SUV. > --Roto-Rooter Peter (who thinks that toilet humor >is an American Standard [All stare at the screen in open-jawed disbelief.] Tom: Mike, if I ever think that's funny, I want you to kill me. Mike: You don't even have to ask, buddy. Got it covered. > [here do the jeering note that >sounded at the end of every bad pun on the "Mister Know- >It-All" sketches of Bullwinkle]). > Mike: Mmmmmm, no. >Daria and Trent turned around, their faces red with >embarrassment, then they saw Jane. > Crow: Trent got caught with his hand in the Wonderjar. Mike: Gee, Jane was in the same room. Do you think there wasn't a chance she's wouldn't notice? >"And just how long were you looking at us?, Jane Coyote >Lane?," Tom: [Daria] Super genius? You like the way that rolls off the tongue? > Daria snapped at her.* > Mike: Let's take a vote, who believes the actual fanfic is more horrible? Tom: Me. Mike: Who believes these interruptions are worse? Crow: Me. Mike: Looks like we're tied. >*I know that Coyote was the name of Jake and Helen's >hippie friend in "That was Then, This is Dumb," Mike: "This is Dumb". Crow: That's what he said. "This is Dumb". Mike: It sounded like "This is dumb". Tom: Yes it does, but what he said was, "This is Dumb". Mike: Can I re-read it to be sure? Crow: Be my guest! Mike: Hm. "This is Dumb". Hey! I like that! > but I wanted >some type of hippie-sounding middle name for Jane for this >reprimand, Tom: Because hippies like seeing sex? > kind of like C. E. did when he coined Marie for >Daria's middle name in "To Helen Back" and like I coined >Louise for Quinn in "The Dinner Date from Hell." Tom: For more of "The History of the Middle Name in the Daria Fanfic", write to Pueblo, CO, 90228. > --Peter >William Guerin (who was almost stuck with "Robert" for a >middle name). > Crow: Er, yes. I can see how that'd make your life into a living hell. >"God, you're beginning to sound like my mother!," Jane >said sarcastically. Mike: So, she's not beginning to sound like her mother? > "Besides, it's mothers-in-law who are >supposed to be nags, not future sisters-in-law!" > Mike: What? They're not? I'm confused. Tom: [wincing] This argument is as lucid as the last twenty minutes of "Mission: Impossible". >Daria shot a furious glance at her. "Go take a leak >before I kill you!," she snarled. > Crow: [Jane] No. Kill me first. >Jane complied, still wearing that smirk on her face. [Mike shudders] Tom: What was that for? Mike: I dunno. It's just that I had a horrible sense of foreboding when I read that word. Crow: I'm sure it's nothing. >------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: [oddly perky] Well, that was disturbing! Who's hungry? >The next morning, Shun and Misako decided that they >were going to go do some clothes shopping; Tom: Where *do* transvestites and ghosts go to shop? > there were no >classes scheduled for today at Ryokuto. They were at a >Seibu department store modeling on some new miniskirts.* > Crow: So Misako could reveal her- huh? Tom: And Shun could reveal his- ICK! >*Besides owning a chain of department stores, the >privately-owned Seibu Railways also owns the Tokorozawa >Lions baseball team. Crow: And George W. Seibu is running for Prime Minister! Tom: AND? WHAT? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING *IMPORTANT* TO SAY? IF NOT, DON'T! Mike: You need that pencil again? Tom: [sighing] No. I'll be fine. Mike: You sure? It's a quality Fabercast pencil. [KA-CHING!] > In fact, many private lines in >Japan own department stores. To put it in perspective, >it would be like Union Pacific Mike: Why don't they look? > owning Macy's and the >San Diego Padres. Crow: Or the Reading owning Duane Reade and the Reds. Tom: Or the B&O owning Bradlee's and the Bronx Bombers. Mike: Or the Short Line owning Sure Save and the Chi-Sox! > There are quite a few department stores >surrounding the station in Shinjuku ward in Tokyo (the name >literally means "New Station", Crow: Call your cable provider, and demand "New Station"! Beg for it! Threaten suicide! > as opposed to the older >Tokyo Central Station) and at other railway and subway >stations in Japan. Mike: [conductor] All are bored! > --Railroader Peter (who knows for a >fact that Shaun Cassidy's family has Long Island Railroad >blood in their veins, and his great-grandfather worked for >them as well). > [All stare at the page.] Crow: Behind the Music has less trivia on musicians than this! Tom: [in shock] No words are left. Hell surrounds us. Lie back. Embrace the doom. Mike: [shaking his head] Man, this story is like talking to my grandfather. He can't begin a conversation, so he blurts out random facts and acts like he's in the middle of one. >"What do you think of this one. Shun?," Misako asked >him as she was wearing a pair of lavender skorts. > Mike: [Shun] Well, it hides your transparency. Tom: See, I always thought ghosts had their own ghost clothing. Crow: Made with what? Tom: Well, you know... cotton from dead plants... wool from dead sheep... >"I always thought skorts were a fashion conundrum," Crow: Said the transvestite in a miniskirt. >Shun said, "it can't make up its mind whether to be a skirt >or shorts." He then giggled.* > Mike: Is it a "Daria" or a "House of Style" fanfic? You make the call! Crow: "Giggling is a form of laughter."--Peter "Always butting in" Guerin. >*Daria made that same snide observation in "The Daria >Diaries."--Unfashionable Peter. > Crow: Snide? Heck, that's T-ball in my world. Tom: When you get tired of Little League, Pete, give us a call. >Shun was now modeling a yellow miniskirt. "This one >has such a high slit in it; people might think I'm Ashley >Judd!," he said.* > Mike: [Shun] Well, except for my unit, of course. Tom: Gyah! Listen, Pete, we appreciate a good obsession for thoroughness, but not *everything* cries out for annotation! >*Daria made that same comment to Quinn in regard to >her infamous red miniskirt in "Misery Senshi." Crow: Infamous, as in, the opposite of famous. No one knows what you're talking about. Tom: Almost Infamous. Starring Drew Barrymore and Jason Lee. > --Ladies' Man >Peter (who doesn't mind if a woman is as cute or dresses >like Quinn, but she'd better not be as airheaded as her). > Crow: Peter? Kara Wild wants a word with you... >Misako giggled over that. > Tom: Even the characters can't believe it. >After they got out of the store, Shun and Misako were >preparing to take the bus back to Ryokuto. Shun was fishing >for the ¥150 she'd need for the bus fare while Misako was >doing the same. > Tom: Ghosts taking the bus! Another "Soultaker" ripoff! Mike: Why would a ghost need bus fare? Crow: I'm still stuck on why would she need to shop for clothes? >Suddenly, three more of Nagisa's agents, Z, S, and W, Tom: Nagisa gets her terrorists from the Children's Television Workshop. >pulled up in a white Mercedes Benz. Mike: [Agents] Want some candy? > They clambered out of >the car and nabbed Shun first. > Tom: [Agents] Say, these DO feel real! Crow: [Shun] Why thank you! Tee-hee! >"Hey! Let me go!," Shun shrieked. > Tom: [Shun] I'd rather pay for the bus fare than sit next to Agent S! >Agent Z Crow: Daria - fanfic of deceit! > got out a little rectangular black box and >put it on the floor. Mike: But the plane crashed elsewhere and he had to quickly relocate it. > There was a step-on button attached >to the box with a short cord. Misako tried to float away >but Agent Z then stepped on the button. Tom: The button broke. Agent Z muttered something about "cheap Japanese crap". > The box opened, >sucked Misako into it, and then closed. > Crow: See?!? I told you this was gonna have "Ghostbusters" involved! [Mike merely puts his head in his hands and groans] >Shun said, "Misako! No!" Agent S then covered her >mouth with a cloth doused in ether. Tom: She instantly gained 50 MPs. Crow: In either what? Mike: Ether, Crow. Crow: OK, either ether or what? > Shun was rendered >unconscious. > Mike: Wow, that's one lazy artist. >"Let's go!," Agent W sneered as they took Shun and the >box containing Misako into the Mercedes. Crow: So, since the ghost was wearing real clothing, does that mean she's naked now? Tom: Try not to think about it. > They drove away >at speeds exceeding 150 KPH. Mike: What's that in real units? Tom: That's about 40,000 MPH. Mike: Wow. My uncle's Mercedes could only hit about 35,000. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Shinobu was back at his dorm, watching the coverage of >the Lawndale High School takeover on NHK. Mike: Must've been a slow news day in Tokyo. Crow: [NHK] What lazy American school mischief! Let's laugh together, ha ha! > Mitsuru was also >with him. > >"Hey, isn't that the school that Morgendorffer goes >to?," Mitsuru asked Shinobu. > Tom: [Shinobu] Well, sure - *everybody* knows that! Mike: They were in the same room for what, 15 minutes? Crow: Cultural simplification. They're ALL that school Morgendorffer goes to. >"That, I'm afraid it's true," said Shinobu in his calm >manner. Crow: [Shinobu] I have achieved inner peace, so I'm better than you. Neener neener. > "Knowing what happened the last time something like >this occurred, Mike: [Shinobu] It took over 300 pages just to straighten it all out. > they are trying to goad Morgendorffer back >home so that she and the others won't stop Nagisa's >smuggling operations. Crow: Remember folks, the whole world hinges on what Daria does. Tom: The SWAT teams can't go in, the Army can't, hell, even Janet Reno can't move in without Daria because Daria's the only one in the WHOLE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE WHO CAN DO ANYTHING!!! *huff!* *huff!* *huff!* Mike: Easy, Servo - you're gonna pop a diode! > But I know Morgendorffer; Tom: [Shinobu] I watch her show all the time! Well, when MTV bothers to show it... > she's a >quick study. She won't be goaded back twice to stop >them. Crow: But wouldn't once be enough? > She'd rather stop them at the source here. Besides, Mike: [Shinobu] She doesn't mind those militiamen tossing out bodies from the source of her torment. >I am pretty sure her friends are capable in handling this >themselves." > Crow: Let's see - Quinn, the Fashion Club, Kevin, Brittany, DeMartino, O'Neill. Yep. Dead by dawn, every man-jack of 'em. >"You know that just by looking at her once?," Mitsuru >asked. > Tom: [Shinobu] Sure! Watch... that guy over there's a military brat, that one's just had a break-up, and that one is deciding whether to take Pepsi or Coke! Crow: [buzzer] EHHH! Illegal use of logic! Into the penalty box. Mike: The story IS the penalty box. Crow: Good point. Carry on! >"Misako said I possessed strong spiritual energy," >Shinobu said. Tom: Until we took it to the crap table. "Bet 'Big Red'!" she says. "Sure thing!" she says. Sheesh. > "If I'm correct, that may translate into >some telepathic abilities." > Tom: [Shinobu] Or it may just mean I look really cool wearing that whole 70's "retro" look. Whatever. >"Shinobu, you're freaking me out here!," Mitsuru >said. > Mike: You said that when he showed you Zima! >Collins, Daria, Jane, Rally, May, Becky, Bean, Chelsea >and Trent now entered the dorm. > Tom: Oh. It's Pete's tribute to "A Night at the Opera." >"Morgendorffer, you'd better see this," Shinobu said to >Daria. > Crow: [Shinobu] Will the five people between Daria and the TV please move? Mike: [Trent] Um- to where? Crow: [Shinobu] I don't know! Try the refrigerator, there's some room behind the leftover moo shu. Mike: [Trent] Cool. >Daria saw the report and nearly lost her stomach. > Mike: Then she remembered she'd put it on the vanity, next to her car keys and her gall bladder. >"Those bastards did it again!," she sneered. > Mike: They played with her heart? Crow: They must have got lost in the game. Tom: Nah. They're not that innocent. >"This makes what we have to do here all the more >urgent!," Collins now said. > Crow: [Becky] Why? All: [the cast] SHUT UP, BECKY!! >The phone now began to ring. > Mike: Ah, I see Peter Guerin's calling to tell them what to do next! Tom: Was it the KPKE $1000 call of the day or just an MCI salesperson? We'll find out right after this! >"I'll get it," Shinobu said. He picked up the >receiver. > >"Hello?," Shinobu said. > Crow: The river is wild, dark and deep. And you have miles to go before you sleep. >"This is Nagisa," the voice on the other end said. > Tom: But it wasn't - it was just her eerie, disembodied voice. >"And how are you, my dear sister?," Shinobu asked her. > Tom: [Nagisa] Oh, you'll never believe the DAY I had? I ran out of letters to name my agents after, and I'm going crazy! >"Spare me your fake concern for my well being," Nagisa >shot back. Crow: Nagisa? You do know you can't kill someone through the phone, right? > "I've got Shun and Misako hostage here. Mike: And I'll release them unless you do as I say! > If you >don't want any harm seen to them, you'd better not interfere >in any way. Mike: Well, then he'd um, that is - OK, anyone want to take a crack at translating that last sentence? Bots: Nope. > Tell those Yankees to go home if they know >what's good for them." > Tom: [Nagisa] Derek Jeter and Joe Torre are no longer welcome here! Mike: Nagisa or Yosemite Sam? You make the call! >The phone was hung up at the other end. > Crow: [Shinobu] She said we better not harm the Yankees' home, or the fake concern she spares us will be good. >"Nagisa's up to her tricks again," Shinobu now said. >"She's got Shun and Misako hostage." > Mike: So if we can just dump that Kazuya jerk, we may have the makings of a dorm here! >Kazuya had just entered the dorm when he heard that. > Mike: How? There's 87 people in there already! >"WHAT!," Kazuya said in shock. > Crow: It's Al from "Reboot"! >"Further," Shinobu added, Tom: [Shinobu] Screech dissonantly from further back than that. No, further. > "she warned us not to >interfere." > >"Jane, are you thinking what I'm thinking?," Daria >asked her. > Tom: [Jane] That we should mount a commando raid on Nagisa's headquarters with these people's help and free the campy transvestite and the meddlesome ghost from her evil clutches? Crow: [Daria] Um, no, that it's lunchtime. Tom: [Jane] Oh. Well, that works too. Who's for pizza? >"A rescue attempt sounds to be in order here," Jane >replied. > Tom: [Jane] Too bad we're on the other side of the world. I guess we'll have to let the SWAT Team handle it. >"You'll do no such thing under my watch," Collins said. Mike: Fine! Here's your old watch back - it never kept good time anyway! >"I'm leading this investigation." > >"Calm down, Collins," Rally said; Crow: o/~ No need to leave so soon! I been tryin', all night long just to... o/~ > she was beginning to >play the role of devil's advocate for Daria and Jane because >she saw in them what she was like when she was their age. Mike: Rally was a bespectacled, unpopular introvert? Tom: Yes, Mom and Dad. If you let your kids read poetry, they'll be in running gun battles within a decade. >"I'm pretty sure they could give us something they're not >expecting at this time." > >"And what's that?," Collins asked. > Tom: A can of beer nuts? Mike: A giant wooden rabbit? Crow: A complete abdominal workout system for less than $20 a month! >"The element of surprise," Rally shot back. > Tom: Yes. By definition, they would not be expecting a surprise. Good plan. >Daria and Jane smirked at each other. > Mike: Ew, I just flashed on Paul Lynde meeting Dennis Miller. >"Tell you what," Rally said as she was fishing out some >blackjacks out from her jacket, Tom: [Rally] Now chew this. It'll keep your ears from popping when you break the sound barrier. > "take these with you; you'll >never know what type of opposition you'll be facing out >there." > Crow: Like, say, opponents with guns, in which case, those blackjacks won't do any good. >May dug up two grenades and gave one each to the girls. > Tom: Angsty teenagers and explosives! The perfect mix! >"Don't use these unless you have to," May cautioned. >"They pack a wallop!" > Tom: One grenade, and a blackjack?! You can't take over a toga party with one grenade and a blackjack! >"Rats," Mike: Vote Bush! Tom: Huh? Mike: Sorry. Must've been something subliminable. > Jane said, "I was hoping you'd give me an >atomic bomb." > Mike: Still, it's better than three crates of TNT! Tom: Good, Jane. Joke about A-bombs while in Japan. They're not sensitive to that at all. >"You'd think I trust her with one of those?," Rally >added. Crow: The things I'm expected to laugh at here are very disorienting. Mike: It's basically a prose form of an inner ear infection. > She then said, "Good luck, and be careful." > >Daria and Jane left to confront Nagisa and her gang. > Tom: They're there already? No small talk? I'm surprised! Crow: [Collins] I feel like we should've shared our extensive knowledge of Nagisa's security system. Mike: [Rally] Nah, it'd just have made'm nervous. Best to keep their confidence up. Crow: [Collins] Still, we could've offered some cryptic Obi-Wan-ish advice or something. >"They must either be brave or foolish to do what >they're doing right now," Shinobu said. > Tom: [Shinobu] I'm sorry, that seemed a lot deeper before I said it out loud. >"Maybe they're just plain crazy," Kazuya sneered. > Crow: I like Kazoo's idea. Tom: Yeah. Let's work with Kazoo on this one, guys. >Everyone, however, was hoping Daria and Jane could >pull it off. Tom: Especially Trent! *bwow-chicka-bwowm-bwow!* Crow: You're sick in the head, Servo. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Lawndale High, Kevin, Brittany, Jodie and Mack >were locked in one of the science rooms. Mike: Good, lock them in with the bottles of acid and methane gas so they don't cause trouble. > Two Militiamen >were standing guard at the door. > Mike: Wouldn't it make more sense to herd all of the students into a central place? That'd require less people. Crow: Have you been studying Terrorism 101, Mikey? Mike: No, just watching JAG a lot. >"Mack Daddy," Kevin began, "how are we going to get >out of this one?" > >"Don't call me 'Mack Daddy!,'" Mack snarled at Kevin. > Tom: Just call Mack "Mack Daddy" a couple more times and let him explode. It'll take out the guards. >"We'd better be planning some type of strategy about >getting ourselves out of here," Jodie said. > Crow: And there's Sister-State-The-Obvious' cameo! >Brittany began to twirl her hair. > Mike: Soon, she had her wig up to 200 RPM. >"I heard that the faculty's being holed up at the >cafeteria," Mack said. "If we can get to them somehow, >maybe we can form some resistance." > Tom: Then we just need to wait for Jean Valjean and Javert to show up. >"My dad's a contractor," Kevin said. Crow: [snotty kid] Well my dad's a crocodile hunter who could kick his ass! > "Over the summer >vacation, he did some work on the HVAC* conduits that run >over the ceiling. Mike: And though they're aluminum and weigh maybe five pounds, I'm sure they could support the weight of four grown teenagers! > If we can crawl through them, we can >get to the cafeteria." > Crow: Then Kevin collapsed from the effort of forming so complex a thought. Tom: You humans, always crawling through your air vents. Why even build hallways? >*HVAC = Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning. >--Architect Peter. > Tom: Actually, HVAC systems are usually installed by specialists in Climate Control systems, not architects. Crow: Huh? Tom: Hey, if Pete can toss out useless trivia so can I. >"If only we have a map," Jodie said. > Crow: Tor Johnson, relic hunter. Mike: Or a GPS locator! Or even a heavily armed team of Navy SEALS! >To everyone's amazement, Kevin got one out from the >pocket of his football pants. > Mike: Still, this may explain Kevin's performance on the field. Crow: [Kevin] Okay, I break left, then throw towards room 204. Jamie! Look out for the water fountain! >"Kevvy, you never cease to amaze me," Brittany said. > Tom: He ain't "Kevvy", he's my brother! HA! >"I try, babe," Kevin answered her. > >The guards were now noticing them. "SHUT UP!", one >of them roared. > Crow: Yeah! You go, guard! Mike: It's nice to finally find some characters we can empathize with. >The four students piped down. Suddenly, Kevin groaned >in pain. > Tom: Get the leeches ready. >"OOOOOO," Kevin moaned, "I think I aggravated that >knee injury I suffered last season!" > Mike: Gee, that comment just calls out for an author's note, don't you think? Crow: Wait, so Kevin "I'm the QB" Thompson is masterminding the brilliant escape plan? Tom: Yeesh! Daria as a bikini-clad senshi chick was more believable! >Mack knew that Kevin didn't injure the knee, but he'd >figure he'd play along with it. > Mike: [Mack] Yup. Looks broke. Guess we'll have to put you down. >"Man, that sucks!," Mack said. He turned to one of the >guards and said, "We've got to get Kevin to the infirmary." > Tom: [guard] Well, try putting some butter on it. And take some Vitamin E. >"Why don't I look at it and see if it's that bad," >the guard said. All: D'OH! Mike: Apparently, the Lawndale Militia rents its guards from Doltish Henchmen 'R' Us! Tom: [guard] Ah, the "someone's in pain" trick. Crow: [guard] Might as well play along. Tom: [guard] Right. See you when we regain consciousness. > He approached Kevin. Mike: [guard] Ok, you three get behind me! I don't want any distractions while I check his phony injury here. > Mack took his chance >and struck the guard across the neck with a karate chop, >dropping him. > Tom: Or maybe these guards are just temp workers. Crow: Yeah, you know how thick they are. Mike: True, they can be - heeeeey! >The other guard ran toward Mack, preparing to fire his >AK-47. Suddenly, Brittany did an incredible leap and did >a drop kick right into his testicles. Tom: Michelle Yeoh *IS* Brittany Taylor *IN* "Barb Wire II"! > He winced in pain. Mike: She gives him a running kick in the nuts and he only *winces*?!? Crow: Good thing he wore his titanium steel truss today. >Jodie finished him off by giving him the Vulcan Grip. Crow: The guard was delighted - it fit his Vulcan perfectly. > He >slunk to the floor unconscious. > Tom: [Mack] OK! Now let's get Ortega out here to pour acid on their face! >"We'd better get going while the going's good," Mack >said Crow: [Mack] 'Cuz when the going gets good, the tough get- no wait. It's good to be tough, because going... is going... to go? Something? > as he went to the grating covering the HVAC conduit >and removed it. He went in first, with Kevin, Brittany >and Jodie following him. Mike: Die Hard IV: Die Hard in a School! >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Now back to our fanfic, already in progress... >What the Lawndale Militia did not know Crow: -could fill an encyclopedia. > was that when >Ms. Li saw them storm into her office, she had tripped a >silent alarm she kept handy for emergencies. Tom: Immediately, the Justice League of Annoying Minor Characters went on full red alert. > About ten >minutes later, a Lawndale Police SWAT team had encircled the >school. Mike: A SWAT team has, what, about 12 people? How can that encircle a school? > The SWAT officers were in their full gear, >including bulletproof vests, helmets, body length shields >and so forth. Tom: Alright, who thinks the SWAT team will actually be useful, raise your hand... Okay, that's no one. I figured as much. > The leader of the SWAT team, Lt. Darren >Smythe, got on his bullhorn: > All: DARREN SMYTHE, FORENSIC LINGUIST?!?!? >"Mr. Schlitz [he began], Tom: [Smythe] If that *is* your real brand! > we know you and the other >members of the Lawndale Militia are in there. Crow: [Brad] Nuts, our cover's blown! > We're giving >you three hours to surrender to us, Mike: [militia, whining] But we wanted to surrender immediately! > or we will storm in the >building. Tom: [Smythe] Before then we'll let you do your killings and what-not. Crow: o/~ Storm in the building! Blood on the plow! This land fed a nation! This land made me proud! o/~ > We have been given authorization to use any means >necessary to end this. Mike: [Smythe] Including waiting three hours. And we'll wait three *more* if you force us to! Tom: Don't make us break out the Barry Manilow CDs! Crow: See, if they were bounty hunters with grenades, they could've skipped that step. > Give yourselves up before there are >needless deaths." > Mike: [Smythe] If you need to kill some people though, hey, go right ahead. >In response, several Militiamen opened fire against >the SWAT team. Cries of "JACKBOOTED THUGS!" could be heard. > All: [in unison] YOU'LL NEVER STEAL OUR INDIVIDUALITY! Crow: The irony of it is, the cops are all wearing fairly fashionable oxfords. >Lt. Smythe realized that they could be in for the long >run in this situation. Mike: Three hours, I'm guessing. Tom: So he and the SWAT team went out to look for an affordable apartment near the school. > "They can't hold on in there >forever," he said. Crow: Three hours! No more! > "After three hours, Tom: Three? Mike: So I'm told. > we'll use the tear >gas and rush them. Crow: [SWAT] They won't know what hit them! Unless we tell them when we're attacking and give them three hours to prepare. > We might have heavy causalities, so we'd >better inform the area hospitals." > Crow: Screw the casualties, we've got a schedule to meet! Tom: What? That's their plan? Sheesh, my trust in SWAT teams just went lower. >Lawndale was beginning to face its worst crisis since >the combined disasters of the plane crash and the Lawndale >Militia's last takeover attempt.* Tom: Oh, look, a footnote. How unexpected. Crow: Why are they waiting three hours, anyway? Mike: The SWAT team wanted to catch the $4 matinee of "Grinch". Crow: So they got... Carreyed away? Mike: [groaning] I... don't think so, Crow. > >*In "Misery Senshi," Ami's flight had been hijacked by >Akbar el-Salaam, which later crashed into Lawndale. Tom: [flustered] D'oh, now Pete's just rubbing our noses in it! Crow: It's the loogie-in-the-face of footnotes. >--Unfriendly Skies Peter. Mike: Yes, it all happened in "Messhall Superman Bulbasaur Drainpipe"! Crow: That would be, Virgin Atlantic Airways. Right? Mike: Don't be bitter. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Matters had been very tense at Greenwood since Daria >and Jane left for their rescue attempt. Tom: [Ska] My cartoon's more obscure than your cartoon. Mike: [Rally] Smile when you say that, Screech Boy. > Today was going >to be the day that Reina, Shun's kid brother, was going to >visit. Tom: Oh, this part's just ASKING for small talk, isn't it? Crow: Everyone, we gotta put the crisis on hold - a five year old's coming to town! Mike: "Golly!" said Rally. "It would be ever so nice to add a brand new shiny friend to our brutal campaign of street justice! > Shinobu had phoned the train station and asked them >to leave a message for Reina as soon as he arrived. Soon, >a young boy with lavender hair entered the dorm. > Tom: Geez! What is it with the weird hair colors? Crow: Kool-Aid Shampoo. It's big in Japan. Mike: [TMBG] o/~ Purple toupee, will show the way! When summer brings you... o/~ >"Reina, are we ever glad to see you!," Mitsuru said >with some relief. > Mike: We hadn't had a confusing new storyline for minutes! Tom: [Mitchell] Buzz off, kid! >"Man, not another cross-dressing weirdo!," Rally >groaned. > Crow: Huh? >"Is his family all this way?," May asked Shinobu. > Mike: I guess audience participation is optional for this part. Crow: Thank god. So Mike, what's the deal with Palm Beach voters? Are they stupid, or what? Mike: Crow, I don't think there's one joke that hasn't been made about those voters. >"Most of them are," Shinobu replied. > Crow: Who wears the pants in that family? *No one*! >That answer registered on May's face with a twisted >grimace. > Tom: Warheads Sour Lemon candy! A megaton of flavor in every pack! >"What's happened to Shun and Misako?," Reina now asked. > Mike: Their characters were too distinct. Pete gave'em a time out. Tom: [Shinobu] Look, I don't want you to talk about this silly brother and friendly spectre business! >"Nagisa's gang have kidnapped them," Kazuya answered. > >"Besides, who are these people with you?," Reina now >asked. > Crow: *sigh* Here we go. Tom: [Reina] The identity of these strangers distracts me from the peril of my brother-sister. >"Long story, kid," Collins shot back. [Shocked silence] Crow: Did - did he just pass up an opportunity for another huge mega-introduction scene?! Mike: Yes. Yes he did! Tom: Wow! Then there may be hope for us after all! > "Let's just say >that Shinobu's sister has really gotten her sorry ass into a >lot of trouble this time. Crow: Oh, that darn donkey's gone and done it again! > When we nab her, she's facing at >least charges of gun smuggling and conspiracy to topple the >United States Federal Government." > Tom: Ah. She's a Republican. >Reina was shocked. Mike: [Reina] The Americans can actually catch a terrorist leader? > Sure, Nagisa wasn't exactly a >law-abiding citizen, [All titter and guffaw. Crow shakes his head.] > but this was way beyond what he thought >she was capable of doing. > Mike: Topple the State Government, sure. But not the national government. >"Don't worry, Reina," Kazuya began to say, Crow: [Ska] She'll be prosecuted to the full extent of their laws. Tom: [Reina] I mean her world domination plans! Crow: [Ska] Oh. >"everything's going to be all right." > Mike: o/~ Don't think twice, it's all right. o/~ >However, an air of uncertainty hung in the air over >Greenwood. Crow: [Ska] Oh, hold it! That's my tempura! Fish burning in a wok, I'll get it. > Everyone was genuinely concerned for Shun, >Misako, Daria and Jane. Mike: Except for the readers, of course. Tom: [Sigh] Let's roll. [The trio stand and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The Bridge] [Mike has a series of photoboards which he is showing his robots. The first one is of Dr. Timothy Leary.] Tom: Weirdo. [Mike nods, and flips to the next photo, of Mike Dukakis.] Crow: Um... outcast. Mike: Yes, good! [Next: Sean Young.] Tom: Outcast. No wait! Wait! Mike: Sorry, I have to take your first answer. Tom: Oooh! [The light flashes.] Mike: Pearl? Crow: Oh, weirdo. That's too easy. Mike: No, I mean she's calling! [Castle. Forrester] [Pearl has her mug pressed up against the camera, so it's all you see.] Pearl: Hey, Dirty Two Pair! You remember how before, I had my heart really set on ruling the world? Well, more of the same! Everyone knows the way to the world's heart is through its stomach. Combine that with the Japanesey themes of today's story, and I give you- [Pearl steps away, to reveal Bobo in a stunningly tailored silver chef's uniform. He poses like a proud statue.] Pearl: IRON CHEF BOBO! [Pearl pokes her head back in shot.] Pearl: Tré sinister, no? See, once Bobo here is recognized as the greatest chef in the world, he'll control what people eat. And since I control *him*, Presto cookware! The world's wrapped up in a pretty white doggie bag! [SoL] Mike: But... it's Bobo. Crow: Yeah! He eats the lint from the dryer. [Castle Forrester] [Bobo is chewing on a strip of dryer lint.] Bobo: Mm, Kenmore cotton candy. Pearl: Oo, sounds like Mike needs to be taught a lesson about where he sits on the food chain! I'll make it simple. Beat Iron Chef Bobo- or die! Brain Guy, reveal for us today's secret theme ingredient. [Observer edges nervously onto the screen.] Observer: There's no food in the Castle, Pearl. That ravenous ape ate the cold cuts, the leftover pizza crusts, a whole frozen Pepperidge Farm German chocolate cake... We did have a box of Honey Bunches of Oats. But he emptied that looking for some blasted Koosh toy. Which I believe was a send-away deal anyway. Pearl: Great. OK, then. Today's theme ingredient... [Pearl looks to the left, desperate, then just grabs a box of something and hauls it up to the camera.] Pearl: Styrofoam peanuts. There, knock yourselves out. Repeat: knock yourselves out. [SoL] [Mike has instantly changed to a chef's uniform, and has a cutting board strewn with Styrofoam peanuts. He has two knives, and he's dramatically sharpening them. The following graphic appears on the screen beneath him:] 300 Styrofoam peanuts, comprised of 100 "shells", 100 "figure eights", and 100 "Stella Doro Breakfast Treats" [Tom provides the voiceover as we watch.] Tom: [V.O.] OK, everyone welcome, to this, the Styrofoam Staredown, between Mike Nelson and Iron Chef Bobo. With me is my lovely panel, Gypsy. Welcome Gypsy. Gypsy: [V.O.] Hello. Tom: [V.O.] Have you ever eaten Styrofoam peanuts before? Gypsy: [V.O.,guiltily] Whoo, not since Season Three. And then only off-screen. [Mike takes his knives and tries to vigorously chops at the peanuts like a hibachi chef. It blows them all over the place. Mike lunges to try to grab them before they fly off the desk.] Tom: [V.O.] OK, looks like some problems for the challenger there. Crow: [V.O.] Scooshi-san? Tom: [V.O.] Yes Crow? [Castle Forrester] [Iron Chef Bobo is not cooking, he's happily popping Styrofoam peanuts in his mouth. Brain Guy is revolted, and slaps them out of his hand.] Crow: [V.O.] I talked with Iron Chef Bobo, and he says he's always liked Styrofoam peanuts. He actually prefers them to most movie theater popcorn. [SoL] [Mike has the electron microscope pulled down, and is speaking sotto voce with the nanites, and the nanites back to him.] Tom: [V.O.] Hey, who doesn't? OK, it seems like the challenger is asking for some help from his soux chefs, the nanites. Sounds like they've agreed, their miniature kitchens are ready... [Mike dumps a box of Styrofoam peanuts on the table. We hear the wailing panicked screams of the nanites, and the crash of tiny kitchens being destroyed.] Tom: [V.O.] Whoa, a slight miscalculation of scale there. I hope the carnage wasn't too- Crow: [V.O.] Scooshi-san? Tom: [V.O.]Yes Crow? [Castle Forrester] [Bobo has Brain Guy sprawled across the table, choking him.] Crow: [V.O.] Iron Chef Bobo is massaging his assistant's windpipe. This may be a sign of affection, or an attempt to recover a peanut that went down the wrong pipe. [SoL] [Mike packs a bunch of peanuts in a blender, but doesn't put the top on. He hits start, they shoot up into his face, he collapses to the floor.] Tom: [V.O.] Ok, not much time left in this Peanut Punch-Out- Crow: [V.O.] Scooshi-san? Tom: [V.O.] This Mailing Material Melee- Crow: [V.O.] Scooshi-san? Tom: [V.O.] This Battle of the Box Fillers- Crow: [V.O.] Scooshi-san! Tom: [V.O.] *WHAT IS IT YOU ANNOYING LITTLE MAN?!* [Castle Forrester] [Brain Guy is unconscious on the table, his tongue sticking out. Bobo is aloofly popping some bubble wrap.] Crow: [V.O.,whimpering] I'm so very, very lonely, Scooshi-san. [A gong sounds.] Tom: [V.O.] OK, that's it, the thing that we were doing is O-VAH! And let's see what our chefs have created. [CUT TO: A still shot of several broken plates, a strip of bubble wrap, and Brain Guy's brain.] Tom: [V.O.] Iron Chef Bobo has prepared three dishes. Unfortunately, he broke two of them, and the other is Brain Guy's brain. [CUT TO: A shot of one plate. It has two peanuts, a penny, and a quarter, flanking a pair of twenty-dollar bills, with another peanut atop.] Tom: [V.O.] The challenger, Mike Nelson, has just one dish- "Forty Bucks To Forget The Whole Thing". A stunningly bold presentation of two twenty-dollar bills, plus some change he found on the floor, served in perfect harmony with crisp lightness of the Styrofoam peanuts. Truly an inspiration! [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and Bobo surround the plate containing "Forty Bucks".] Pearl: OK, A? You guys are *so* lame. And B, I ain't touchin' that brain with a ten-foot fork. You losers go back in the theater. I guess I'll have to console myself with forty bucks worth of General Tso's chick- [As Pearl speaks, Bobo takes a fork, pokes the money, and takes a bite out of it. He chews, considering.] Bobo: Num. [to Pearl] Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon? Pearl: Hm, let me check. [Pearl vindictively punches him in the stomach. Bobo doubles over.] [SoL] [Mike in his chef's outfit is crying from his victory. Buzzers, lights flash.] Mike: I'm so happy- but we've got MILITIA SIGN! [Mike continues sobbing as the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and sits.] Mike: Boy, that last sketch left me hungry. Crow: We've got plenty of styofoam peanuts out there to munch on. Tom: Bobo sent them up. Mike: I'll pass for now. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 6: No Love--Won't be There for You Crow: [sigh] Can't we watch something less depressing? Like "Testament", or "Boys Don't Cry"? >------------------------------------------------------------ > >It was a rather tall, imposing building from the >outside. Mike: Inside? Layers and layers of ooey, gooey cheese! > It was one of those all-glass buildings with metal >framing holding the glass together. Crow: So, it's a gigantic greenhouse then? > The penthouse matched >the building that it sat on top of. Crow: Well, that's important - the last thing you want is a striped penthouse on top of a polka-dotty skyscraper. > From the ground, it >looked very imposing. Mike: But from the sky, it looked geeky. > But this was the goal that Daria >Morgendorffer and Jane Lane were trying to reach. Tom: But no matter how hard they jumped, they couldn't quite make it. > Two >people they had only just met were being held hostage >there, and they made a promise that they would free them. > Tom: [Jane] So tell me again why this is a good idea? Crow: [Daria] It's complex, okay?! Tom: [Jane] We're dumber than whale meat, aren't we? Crow: [Daria] Look at it this way- yes. >Daria and Jane had with them the cans of mace and the >hand grenades that Rally and May had given them. Crow: Looking for TNT crates to blow up. Mike: [Daria, griping] Jeez, at least Gordon Freeman had a crowbar. > Now they >were approaching their first obstacle: two of Nagisa's >agents, M and S, were standing guard outside the rear >entrance. > Mike: Immediately, they held a telethon. Tom: Are the letters embroidered on their jackets? What? Crow: Just be grateful they're in that order. >"I'll take the one on the left," Daria instructed Jane; >"you'll take the one on the right." > Mike: Appeal to their sense of community. Mention McGruff the Crime Dog. >"I'm going to enjoy inflicting unlimited amounts of >pain," Jane said with her usual evil smirk on her face; [All groan and express disbelief.] Tom: It's Jane Pearl Forrester Lane! Mike: [Jane] Send them the fanfic, Brain Gal! > "and >these jerks really deserve it!" > Tom: OK! That's it! I'm out of here. Mike: Settle down. Tom: No! I refuse to live in a world where the Fashion Club is virtuous and Jane's an evil monkey-brained sadist! >Agents M and S saw the two girls approach. Mike: Strangely enough, they do not know who they are. Crow: [M, sly] Whoa-ho! Get a load of the size of the evil smirk on that! > They >decided they looked harmless enough and decided not to >reach for their guns--for now. > Crow: First lesson in Yakuza Henchman Agent Guard School - "The Only Real Dangers are the Blatantly Obvious Ones". >"What can we do for you ladies?," asked Agent M. > Mike: [Jane] Do you sell those Xmas lights shaped like jalapeno peppers? >"This is the headquarters for the Tezuka yakuza, is it >not?," Daria said. > Tom: [M] No, that's two buildings to your left. This is the headquarters for the New Clean Governance Party. >"Yeah," Agent S replied. > Crow: [M] Oh, *good one*, S! Just give away our secret hideaway to everyone that asks! Mike: [S] But it's in big neon letters right there on the side! >"Do you guys do pornography?," Daria asked. > All: Uhhhhh... Tom: [M] We will pose nude, but only if it's vital to the plot. Crow: Are there any depths which this story won't sink to? >Jane gave a fierce scowl in Daria's direction. > Tom: [Jane] You promised unlimited amounts of pain! Crow: [Daria] Hey, he's writing as fast as he can. >"Work with me here, Lane!," Daria snarled beneath her >breath to Jane. > Mike: [Jane] After that last photo shoot? No way! >"Yeah," Agent M gave with a wink of his eye. Tom: [M] We've been known to dabble in that oeuvre. > "You >know, we do the usual stuff with the schoolgirls in their >seirafuku doing stripteases and getting fucked by their >boyfriends."* Mike: Oh my. Tom: Thanks, Pete. We needed those details. Crow: What, like, leaving them with the check? That kind of thing? > >*Seirafuku or "sailor suits" are uniforms worn by >Japanese junior high and senior high school girls, Tom: They're brassy, sassy, bold and bravissimo! Crow: I betcha all the anime fans at home are saying "Duhhhhhhhh!" >consisting of a blouse with a sailor collar, a scarf and >a knee-length skirt. Mike: Oh, and Birkenstocks. Not sure why, exactly. > They're based on the uniforms of the >old Imperial Japanese Navy, which in turn were based on >those worn by the British Royal Navy in the 19th Century, Tom: Which, in turn, were based on an original design by Bob Mackie. >when Britain gave Japan technical assistance for its >navy. Crow: Even during World War II? Uh, Mike, weren't the Brits with us? Mike: They're odd people, Crow. > The seirafuku can be seen a lot in anime, Mike: And by "a lot", he means "near constantly". > from >the superhuman A-ko Magami of Project A-ko to the Sailor >Senshi of Sailor Moon. For more details about the >Japanese educational system, Tom: Don't we need "some" before we can get "more"? > read the appendix to "Misery >Senshi" Tom: If you've got the *guts*! > --Guerin-sensei. > >Now it was Daria's turn to scowl. > Mike: This story has more scowling than a Jim Cowlings post! Crow: Frank Miller's "The Daria Knight Returns". >"Of course," Agent S said, "since I take it you're >still new to this, Crow: [S] And since you're not wearing any sailor suits... > we'll just let you do the stripteasing >part. Mike: It did Demi Moore's career a world of good! > Why don't you step inside and show us what you got?" > Tom: [Jane] We got Twizzlers, Starburst... and a quarter pack of Velamints. >Jane was getting nervous. Mike: To say nothing of the audience. > Agent M opened the door. > Crow: [Daria] C'mon, it's silly to be nervous over a little green door. I'm sure what's behind it can't be all that... OH MY GOD!!! >"Do we have to do it this way?," Jane snarled at Daria. > Tom: Lotta snarling going on around here too. Crow: Do you blame them? >"It got us this far, didn't it?," Daria said. "Just >wait for my signal, then attack." > Mike: [M] Um... did you two want to be whispering those lines? Crow: [Jane] Er... probably. Mike: [M] OK, we'll just pretend. This way. >They now got into a small office. Agent S locked the >door. Tom: I'm conflicted about DC's new direction for Superman. Mike: It doesn't feel right, does it? > "You," he said as he motioned to Daria, "show us >what you've got first." > Mike: [Daria] Well, we have these cans of mace, and these hand grenades Rally and May gave us, and... >Daria now began to strut her stuff like a pro. [Silence] Mike: Oh. Dear. Lord. Crow: We have sunk to the absolute lowest depths of Hell. Tom: Oh, and thank you, THANK YOU MR. AUTHOR FOR DRAGGING US DOWN THERE WITH YOU! Mike: Tom? You okay? Your head's not going to explode, is it? Tom: No, I'm too mad for that to happen. > She >slunked like a panther as she removed her field jacket. Tom: [giggling nervously] Oh my. There's something erotic about irregular verbs being incorrectly conjugated. I'm starting to sweat, oh dear. Crow: Is there such a word as "slunked"? Mike: No. Is there such a thing as a Daria stripper? Crow: No. Mike: Then they fit. >She did a bump and grind as she took off her boots. Mike: Yes, ritual foreplay involves the enticing removal of the combat boots. Crow: Oh, I know! She's gonna be like Michael O'Hare and do an interpretive dance. Tom: AAAH! Crow: Oh, wait, that's worse! > She >was really shaking it up when she ditched her skirt and >socks. Tom: She danced all night, then went to work, then did the move with the quirky jerk. > Next the shirt came off. Crow: [snickering] Wow. Even Pete's stripteases come in list form! > She was now down to >her usual underwear of white bra and panties. Crow: So. Underwear. Mike: Apparently so. Tom: Yep. Really, really underwear. Crow: [M, angry] Heyyy... she's wearin' a freakin' wire, man! Tom: [S] That's an underwire, idiot. > She was >reaching for the clasp at the back of her bra when she >yelled, "NOW, JANE!" > Mike: [Daria] I GOT MY THUMB CAUGHT IN THE STUPID CLASP AGAIN! >Jane now took one of the grenades and threw it right >at Agents M and S. It went off and they took for cover. > Tom: [snickering] A less than optimal order for those actions, but still! Crow: Good thing for them it was one of them GE brand low-wattage "Energy Saver" grenades. >"Why you!--," Mike: "I oughtta--," Crow: "Whadda ya--," Tom: "You little--," > Agent S screamed as he reached for his >gun. Jane, however, kicked it out of his hand. Tom: Wow, just like "Charlie's Angels"! I wish I could walk out on this fanfic, just like "Charlie's Angels"! > Daria now >got out her mace and sprayed it onto Agent M's face, sending >him howling. Tom: [M] AAAAH! Mace Mousse! AAAAAAH! > Daria then gave him the Vulcan Grip, Crow: I sense a theme. Tom: Yeah - the theme from "Crap"! > dropping >him to the floor. Mike: Lawndale! Vulcan Death Grip Capital of the World! > Jane then maced Agent M and gave him a >karate blow to the neck, rendering him unconscious. > Mike: Crouching Daria, Hidden Jane! Crow: Just where is the neck on a giant talking M&M, anyway? Tom: Red or yellow? >"That was easier than I thought," Daria said with a >self-satisfied smirk Crow: Also known as "Her Other Expression". > as she put her clothes back on." > Mike: [Daria] Debasing my sex is both effortless and fun! >"Thank God you gave me that signal," Jane said. "I was >afraid I was going to have to take my clothes off next!" > Tom: Careful, Jane. We have another chapter to go here. >"Maybe I should have," Daria teased; "just so those >guys know you aren't too much of a prize." > Crow: [Jane] Hah! We women ARE trophies, aren't we? >Jane picked up Daria's jacket and dumped it on her >head. > Mike: [Sandler] I'm CRAZY JACKET HEAD! GIMME SOME CANDY! >"OK, Larry Flint," Jane growled, Crow: [computerized] No. Steven Hawking. I get that a lot. > "let's find Shun and >Misako before you get any more perverted ideas!" > Mike: Yeah, what could be perverted about a transsexual and a ghost in lingerie? >They now left to take the elevator to the penthouse. Mike: Get it? Penthouse? Larry Flynt? Crow: Wrong scumbag publisher, Mike. >------------------------------------------------------------ >At the penthouse, Shun and Misako were bound and >gagged. Mike: See? See? They're shooting a pictorial! Crow: Oh, Mike. How far into the gutter have you gone? Tom: You know, there are times when you seem likeable and then there are times like these... > In Misako's case, she was being held by proton >rays and her mouth was being kept shut by a neutrino gag. Crow: [miffed] Oh he's making that up! Tom: So apparently, the little black ghost trap wasn't enough? Mike: I guess. >Suddenly, Nagisa, Bill, and Agents C, E, H, J and P entered >the room. Mike: [Cheerleader] Put 'em all together and they spell "CEHJP"! Rah Team Rah! > Agent C removed the gag from Shun while Agent H >deactivated the neutrino gag from Misako. > Tom: Are you sure that's wise? I mean, they have big yaps. >"You're not going to get away with this!," Shun now >yelled. "When Ska and the others find out what happened >to us, they're going to hunt you down!" > Crow: [Don Adams] Would you believe they'll call the police? Would you believe an ad in the paper under "Missing Pets"? >"Silence!," Nagisa said. "These two brats are friends >of my despised brother Shinobu," she now said to Bill. > Crow: And she, of course, is a Friend of Bill. Mike: I see a Lincoln Bedroom stay in the near future... > >"Maybe they know about what happened at the warehouse," >Bill now said. Mike: Uh, which one? We've had, like, eight. Tom: What else is there to know, Bill? They blow up stuff, people get captured, good guys win, you don't. > He turned his attention to Shun and Misako. >He grabbed Shun by his chin and forced it in front of him. Crow: [Bill, intense] When was the last time you scraped your tongue?! >"How much do you know?," he yelled into his face. > Tom: [Shinobu] Seven times nine is sixty-three! 1492! Marie Antoinette! Methane! To get to the other side! Please don't kill me! >"I don't know what you're talking about," Shun pleaded. > >"You know, I just might rip your clothes off and teach >you a lesson!," Bill now said furiously. > Crow: [Bill] How about a little nude algebra, huh?!? >"I would advise against that," Nagisa now cautioned >Bill. > >"And why the Hell should I?," Bill sneered. > Mike: Common human decency? [pause] Ah, it was worth a shot. >"She's actually a he," Nagisa said in disgust. > Tom: [Shun] Well, everyone just HAS to know, don't they? I feel so bitter. >"You're bullshitting me!," Bill said. He now yanked >Shun's miniskirt and then her panties. Tom: Wow. Every time we think we've hit bottom, we somehow always find another "down" staircase. Crow: Jeez, Sharon Stone doesn't expose herself this often! > When he saw that >Nagisa was telling the truth, he recoiled in disgust with >a loud "UGH!" > Crow: Not a very politically correct thug, is he? Mike: [Ska] C'mon, it's a crotch! Don't you want to kick it a few times? It's fun! >"Now do you believe her?," Shun said. > Tom: [Bill] Why, no. That fleshy dangly bit could be many things. >"Maybe I'll have my way with the other one there, >then," Bill said. Crow: Hope he brought his ectoplasmic condom! > But as he was trying to grab Misako's >blouse, his hand passed through her. > Mike: I thought we established the blouse was real? Tom: "Soultaker" rules. Did I call it, or what? >"Silly boy!," Misako said teasingly, Crow: Trix are for rabbits! > "I'm a ghost!" > >Bill yelled in anger. > Crow: [Bill] But you were shopping! What kind of nuthouse country am I buying guns from?! >"Don't fuck with me!," Tom: Well, apparently s/he couldn't if s/he wanted to. Mike: I think Vermont needs a more civil state motto. > Bill shrieked at the top of his >voice. Mike: [Bill] Even though I was just trying to get you to! > "What do you know about the warehouse in Yokohama?" > Crow: Um, it's - in Yokohama? >Shun and Misako just kept their silence. > Mike: Hey! If you can't share that silence, then maybe I won't let you have any more! >"I think they're telling you not to fuck with them," >said a voice behind them. > Crow: Harry Callahan! Tom: He's here to serve drinks and solve problems! Mike: Wrong Callahan, Servo. >Nagisa and the others turned around abruptly and saw >Daria and Jane standing there. Tom: [Nagisa, relieved] Whoo! Thank god, we thought you were Electra Woman and Dyna Girl. Bill, carry on the interrogation. > It was Daria who had just >spoken. > Crow: "I am Sailor Daria, champion of justice!" Tom: Sigh. Okay, two teenage girls against a militia member and six yakuza thugs. That's about even odds, right? >"KILL THEM!," Nagisa sharply ordered. Agents C, E, H, >J, and P now advanced on Daria and Jane. > Crow: And in alphabetical order, too. Impressive. >Daria and Jane stood their ground. > Mike: [Daria] Whaddya know! That fortune teller said we'd be hit on by five hot guys. Ha! >"Daria! Jane!," Shun yelled, "they'll kill you!" > Tom: [Shun] Or you'll prevail in a boring battle sequence! One of the two! >Suddenly, Daria launched into a roundhouse kick, Mike: Kickboxer 3: Morgen*death*er! >sending one of her Doc Martins-clad feet into the testicles >of Agent H, Crow: Fourth crotch kick. Count'em. Mike: So if faced by a group of armed criminals or heavily- armed militiamen, the two best defenses are a kick to the batch and the Spock Pinch. > who crumpled onto the floor in excruciating >pain. As she landed back on the ground, her black >knee-length pleated skirt got blown up, Tom: Got blown up? Mike: Grenade misfire. Tom: Oh. > exposing her >panties.* > [All stare in terror.] Crow: This, I think, is the very definition of "gratuitous". Mike: Oh no. That asterisk- Tom: He didn't just- Mike: He wouldn't! >*Panty shots like that are VERY common in anime, Crow: But they're not that effective in a text based medium. Tom: [crying] AAAAAAAUGH! He's footnoting Daria's personals! Mike: Call 911! This has GOT to be an arrestable offense. > from >the most harmless shows like "Sailor Moon" Tom: Hey, DON'T talk "harmless" to three guys who just escaped the "Misogyny Pit Fiend Linoleum Parka"! > to more risqué >fare like "Project A-ko" and "Burn Up!" Also, nudity is >also acceptable in anime, Tom: Which is all well and good, except that Daria is, by any stretch of the imagination, *not anime*! Mike: Still, it's even more acceptable in my bedroom! Crow: Ugh. Don't remind us, Mike. Tom: We still have tapes of you dancing to "Walk the Dinosaur." > even for TV (for instance, you get >to see a lot of Girl-Ranma in the nude in Rumiko >Takahashi's famed anime "Ranma 1/2").--Peter Hefner. > Crow: Publisher of "PlayPeter" magazine! Mike: Available at Barnes & Peter, Peterzon.com and other fine bookPeters. All: Peter! >Jane took her mace and sprayed Agent P with it. Tom: [Jane] It has half the calories of butter or oil! > Agent >P was sent howling. > Mike: Unimpressed, he returned it for a cash refund. >Agent C was now advancing, Crow: Boy, it's a good thing nobody ever invented working as a team. > doing some Jackie Chan kind >of karate schtick with his hands and feet. Tom: You know- that crazy, nutty, faux-dexterous limb flailing so popular with this empty Pop-Tart of a generation. Mike: Mr. Chan would like to disassociate himself from this story, and also remind you to watch "Drunken Master", coming soon to DVD and cassette! [Ka-ching] > Daria matched >him blow by blow until he was exhausted. Crow: Okay, I can handle the striptease. I can handle the gratuitous batch shots. [rising voice] But since when is Daria Morgendorfer, a SUBurban SCHOOLgirl some SORT OF FREAKING MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT? DID THE DRAGONS RECRUIT HER FOR THE SHADOW WAR OR DID SHE JUST JACK INTO THE MATRIX WITH NEO?!?! USE SOME FRIGGING COMMON SENSE!! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!! [And Crow's head explodes in a fireball.] Mike: Well, Tom, at least it wasn't you this time. Tom: Yeah. The pencil biting really helped. > Daria then blew on >his chest, and he fell over. > Mike: *Moments like this, where absurd things happen in intense scenes, are called "comic relief".** Tom: **Even when no one laughs and it's irritating.*** Mike: ***Other anime with no laughs include: "Blue Magnets", "Power Police Fuzz Cops 7.5", "Naked Riot Geisha Robots Hey!", and of course, "Lum".**** Tom: **** Lum? >Agent J now headed for Jane. Mike: Makes sense. Tom: First thing all day. > She sent one of her >fireman's boots crashing into his solar plexus, dropping >him. > Tom: Then she put her boots back on and went back to work. [Mike finishes repairing Crow's head and Crow pops back to life.] Crow: Wow. The movie version of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" is a lot different than I expected. Mike: Maybe she could just throw her boots at them. Tom: HEY! Wait a minute! We only had one Crow's head in inventory! How did you fix him? Mike: You never asked how many Crow's heads *I* have. >Daria now got the other grenade and threw it at Agent E. >The explosion sent him flying into the next room, where >he crunched onto the floor in an unconscious heap. > Crow: Oh, so we have panty shots, coarse language, and mature subject matter, but NOT bloody gore? Tom: So I guess a woman's "nurturing" instinct can be supplanted by the "pyromaniac-corpse-piler" instinct. Mike: Sometimes. Consult the literature. >Shun had managed to work loose the rope bindings that >bound him. Crow: Handcuffs? Nothin' but new-fangled fadism! > He then picked up the remote control that >activated Misako's proton ray bindings. Mike: [Shun, fingering remote] Hm, let's see if there's better ghost on HBO3. > For good measure, >Daria now maced Nagisa and Bill. > Tom: Then she filed a massive lawsuit so they'd be tied up in court for years. Crow: Their one weakness: they're too proud to duck. Or flee. Or shoot a gun, cover their eyes, wrestle the can from her hand... >"Move it or lose it, guys!," Jane said to Shun and >Misako. They didn't need to be told twice. > Crow: Since they had already been gunned down by the gangsters. >As Nagisa was trying to claw her eyes out after being >maced, she shrieked, "WHOEVER'S STILL AVAILABLE, GET THOSE >BITCHES!" > Mike: Immediately, the casts of "Sports Night" and "Freaks & Geeks" sprang into action. >Bill now said, "Those two bitches were Daria >Morgendorffer and Jane Lane! I want them dead, dead, DEAD! > Crow: So, we're to wound them then, sir? Tom: [Kevin Kline] What was the middle part again? >Daria, Jane, Shun and Misako now had gotten to the >ground floor and out the main entrance. Daria was raising >a hand to hail a taxi. > [All snicker.] Tom: With one hand in her pocket. Crow: Now this is a well-planned escape. Mike: I wonder which hand of god will descend from on high to save them. >"That won't work," Shun said, "in Japan, you have to >call for a cab." > Tom: Or go on line, at deusexmachina.com! >"Anyone got any spare change for the phone?," Daria >now said in disgust. > Mike: [Jane] What about that tiny black guy deriding our knowledge of collect calls? He might have some. >Then, as luck would have it, a cab pulled up. > Tom: See? God's left hand. You can see the hangnail. >"Get in!," the cabbie said. > >"How'd you know?," Daria said in shock. > Mike: [cabbie] Lady, I been saying "get in" all my life! >"Shinobu Tezuka figured you'd be out by now, so he >called in this cab!," the cabbie said. > Crow: What? Did he guess the time or something? Mike: I'm beginning to think Pete may not have put much thought into this story. Tom: Yeah, I mean, I buy the fake bomb in the envelope, the ghost shopping for clothing, the U.S. bounty hunter as boss of Japan, and Daria strip-teasing to rescue a complete stranger. But this cab thing is a little implausible. >Daria and the others now hopped inside the cab. Once >inside, the taxi burned rubber Bots: o/~ Burning Rubber Tires... o/~ > and went off like a bullet. Crow: A magic bullet! They bounced off Governor Connally's back, through his wrist and into his thigh! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Inside the HVAC conduits, Kevin, Mack, Brittany and >Jodie were trying to follow the map that Kevin just happened >to have. > Mike: Heck, I'm not even going to try to justify it anymore. Tom: Boy, the Sutter Handwave is working overtime today. >"Now, do we turn left or turn right to get to the >cafeteria?," Mack asked Kevin. > >"I think we make a left, Mack Daddy!," Kevin responded. > Crow: My! What a spacious, well-lit ventilation shaft! Tom: [Brittany] Hey, are these marble floors? Ritzy! >"Don't call me that!," Mack said. > Mike: [Kevin] OK, Pussycat. Crow: Kevin and Mack - the Jimmy Olson and Perry White of the Daria set. >"SHHH! Be quiet, you two!," Jodie snarled beneath her >breath. Tom: [Jodie] Or so help me, no GameBoy for a month! > "Do you want them to hear us?" > Tom: Them who? No one's in the blasted tubes! >All four of them took a left. Soon enough, they >arrived at the vent for the cafeteria. Crow: And dropped right into the deep fryer. Mike: Ick. Hope the funeral's closed-casket. > Mack peered out >to see what was happening. > Crow: [Mack] Looks like meat loaf, creamed potatoes, lima beans and - yes! Lemon Icebox Pie! >"They've got the entire faculty all right," Mack said >grimly. "They've also got all the members of the Fashion >Club." > Tom: And - my God! They're forcing them to wear off-the-rack! The fiends! >"Oh, that stupid Fashion Club!," Brittany now said with >a pout. > Crow: [Brittany] Let them get shot! I have my own neck to save! >"Huh?," Jodie said. "I would have figured that you >would have been a member." > >"MMMM, well," Mike: o/~ Bop, bop, doo-well! Doodly-bop, bop, MMMM, well! Bop, bop... o/~ > Brittany said as she was twirling her >hair, "I guess I should tell you guys this. [The trio slump back in their chairs.] Tom: Good. More backstory. We hadn't seen enough of that yet. Crow: Mike? Do you still have those Snickers? [The usual "KA-CHING" is heard in the background.] Mike: No, I finished off the last of them during the "Daria talks with Trent" scene. Crow: Blast. > But a couple >of years ago, I wanted to join the Fashion Club. Tom: [Brittany] But now I wanna join the Crash Test Dummies. > We had >all started out in junior high, where there was a Fashion >Club as well. Mike: Heck, why stop there? Let's go into the kindergartens, screw up the four-year-olds. Crow: You're never too young for shallow. Tom: Not that I really care one way or the other, but is this really an appropriate spot for backstory? > Sandi thought I'd be great as a member >because I was cute and wore a lot of neat stuff my Dad >gave me. Tom: [Brittany] But they were kinda turned off in that I let daddy dress me up. He had me wear Sailor outfits for some reasons. > Back then I was on the cheerleading squad as >well for the junior high's football team. But then, my >Dad's advertising agency refused to take on Sandi's father's >accounting firm for a client, Mike: What? He turned down the chance to do an ad campaign for an accounting firm? The man must've been mad! > and I think because of that >Sandi suddenly said I was being denied membership. Mike: Well! They're certainly making progress on that whole "be quiet or they'll hear us" thing. Crow: The militia started to move in on them, but they want to hear how this story turns out. > I was >so devastated over that, I tried to kill myself by taking >some sleeping pills. Mike: Remember, sleeping pills are like character development - a little is good, but too much at once can be deadly. Tom: [Brit] When that didn't work, I watched "Eraser" four times in a row. > But then my biological mother--who >was going to see me for her annual visitation--saw me and >took me to the hospital. Crow: [Brit] They did some lipo. Felt much better afterwards. > They managed to pump those pills >out in time. I had to spend a lot of counseling to get over >it." > Crow: Just as how the reader will need a lot of counseling to get over this story. Mike: So it took years of psychotherapy just to climb up to superficial? Tom: That's sad, man. >"Gee, babe," Kevin said, "I didn't know that about >you." > Mike: [Kevin] And now I... er, what were we talking about? >"And, you know what, Kevvy?," Brittany said as the >tears began to well up in her eyes, "I'm going to have this >pain with me for the rest of my life!" She began to sob. > Crow: Oh, we faced worse stuff than this! Quit whining! >Jodie put a comforting arm around Brittany. "There, >there, Brittany," she said, "it's all right." > Tom: o/~It's all right, I'm okay, I'm gonna make it anyway! o/~ >Kevin and Mack were motionless for some time after >that. > Tom: [Kevin] Maybe if we stand still, they'll stop writing about us. >"Man, I knew that Sandi Griffin was a bitch," Mack >said, "but this is low even for her!" > Crow: Well, it's not like she - oh heck, you defend her, I'm bitter! >Mack now took another look out of the vent. Tom: [Mack] Man, now the Virginia Reel. Those militiamen sure can folk dance. > The >Militiamen were playing cards and talking to each other. > Crow: [militiaman 1] I attack with the Serra Angel. Mike: [militiaman 2] Block with the Sengir Vampire! Crow: [1] Giant Growth! Mike: [2] Counterspell! >"Kevin," Mack said, "get to the vent and try to hear >what they're saying!" > >"Sure, Mack Daddy!," Kevin replied. > Tom: Steve Wozniak! >Mack just groaned. > >Kevin got real close to the vent. > Mike: [Kev] I love you vent! Crow: [Brit, shocked] KEVVY! >"What are they saying?," Jodie asked. > Tom: [Kevin] Something about how Sandi Griffin is a bitch. >"I can't seem to make them out," Kevin said; "I'm going >to get closer." > >"Be careful, Kevin," Mack said; "those vents can pop >out if you lean on them too much." > Mike: Incoming plot point, twelve o'clock! >But Kevin ignored him and leaned real hard. The vent >popped with a loud "CLANG!", Mike: Must've bounced off his head. > and all four of them fell out >of the vent. > Tom: Grrr. This man is an insult to the noble name of Kevin! Mike: What was that, *Tom*? Tom: Oh, uh, nothing. >The Militiamen now saw what happened. Tom: [militiaman] Damn it, who dares ruin our poker game? > They grabbed >their AK-47s and surrounded the quartet. > >"OOPS!," Kevin said. > Crow: [shocked] Arms Akimbo! >"Great going, Thompson!," snarled Mack. Crow: [Batman narrator] Holy Heating Systems! Could this e-VENT spell the end of our Foolish Foursome? Mike: I kinda doubt it, really. Tom: Tune in next Chapter! Same bat-browser! Same bat-theater! [The trio exits.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Books are scattered across the command console. Crow and Tom are each frantically reading from various books.] Crow: Okay, here's one. The family moves into the house and the vengeful spirit of the house causes blood to flow down the walls! Tom: Hey! This one can do that too! It causes blood to flow out of the elevators! Oh, wait. It also serves drinks to the caretaker. And, ahem, then has sex with him. Crow: Boy, Casper can't do any of that stuff. All he does is stand around and whine about not having friends! Tom: Maybe you missed an issue. Crow: Yeah. Let me look again. Tom: Hey, can Casper change shape like those guys in "Soultaker"? Crow: Not that I can tell. Ooh! But he hangs around with a devil from time to time! [Tom moves to look at another book.] Tom: Hey! This ghost packs a pair of .45s and uses them to fight crime! Crow: No, Casper doesn't do that either. Neither does Topper. [Mike enters and walks over to the bots.] Mike: [quizzically] Hey, guys. What's going on? Crow: Oh, it's this whole ghost thing, Mike. It's got us really confused. Mike: How? Tom: Look, Misako basically just hangs around the dorm room, torturing Kazoo and wearing ghostly lingerie. Except sometimes she goes out tasering bad guys. And whenever she has a tantrum, it touches off the apocalypse., Crow: But if you recall "Manhattan Slurpee Nebular Dingdong"... Tom: As if we could forget! Crow: The ghost of Ami's Mom was a benevolent ghost who granted wishes! Mike: [pause] Yeah. So what's your point? Tom: The point, Nelson, is that there's no consistency to how the spirits of the dead are portrayed! I mean, look at some of this other stuff. In "Ghost", Patrick Swayze comes back to torture the Weasely Guy to death and then he possesses Whoopi Goldberg in order to make time with Demi Moore! Crow: Yeah. But all Marley's ghost can do is rattle his chains and arrange a three spirit tour for his old pal, Ebenezer. Tom: But then The Spectre can remake the universe! Crow: He's technically an angel, Tom. Tom: But he's called the Spectre! That means ghost! Crow: He's the Angel of... [Mike coughs.] Crow: Oh. Sorry. Tom: Okay, Deadman's a ghost. But all he can do is possess people. Crow: Hey, the ghost from "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" couldn't even do that. Mike: And then there's Slimer... Crow: Oh, please stop bringing him up. Mike: But... Tom: And to further complicate things, there are two separate instances where a ghost takes the form of a car! Crow: And let's not even get started on those freaky ghosts from those Hong Kong movies! Tom: Anyway, none of these are even the remotest bit consistent! Crow: Yeah! What's the deal? Mike: Well, the thing is, no one knows really if there is such a thing as ghosts or not. Tom: Hey! I read in the paper... Mike: Was it the "Weekly World News"? Tom: [pause] Uh, never mind. Mike: Anyway, since no one knows if they exist, or even if they do, what they're capable of, individual authors can take whatever liberties with them they feel like. Crow: [obviously disappointed] Oh. Mike: Why, what were you planning? Tom: Well, we'd hoped the Ami's Mom model of ghost- as-benevolent-genie was the correct one. Crow: 'Cause then we were going to kill you and wish for ice cream cones. Mike: Hmmm. Well, I've got a better idea - how about I get you ice cream cones anyway? Tom: Neato! I'll take a scoop of Quaker State Rocky Road. Mike: Okay. How about you, Crow? Crow: Nah - it's just not the same. [The lights begin to flash.] Tom: Oh shoot, the Guerin sign. Mike: Maybe some other time, guys. [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The bots and Mike enter and take their places.] Crow: I wonder if Joel's ghost walks down the corridors of this old satellite, doomed to walk for an eternity. Mike: Joel's not dead, Crow. Crow: So, the answer would be no then? >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 7: Nevermind Devilwood--Hell is Tokyo! Crow: The Sex Pistol's oft-neglected second album. Tom: No, hell is Yomi, isn't it? Mike: And how does a canned ham spread figure into it? >------------------------------------------------------------ >It didn't take long for Nagisa and her gang to recover >from the surprise attack Daria and Jane waged against them. Tom: [Guerin] Just a scene change or two. Mike: In just four years, they were back, stealing coke cans for the deposit! >Nagisa had her white Mercedes Benz waiting for her as she >got into the back along with Bill, Agents C, H and E. Crow: Oh, I saw them on a T-Shirt with Rage Against the Machine. >"Floor it!," said Nagisa sharply to Agent H, who was >driving. Mike: [Nagisa] Drive fast, in a random direction! I'm mad! Tom: [protesting] This isn't fair! You can't have a chase scene when you didn't see where the people you're chasing went! > The Mercedes sped off in the last known direction >of Nagisa's assailants. Crow: They're heading... AWAY... somewhere. Mike: The next idiot who says "Don't sweat the small stuff" should have these pages rammed through his esophagus. >------------------------------------------------------------ >It didn't take too long for Nagisa and her henchmen to >find the cab Daria and the others had taken. Crow: And they distinguished it from the other cabs because...? Mike: Across the expansive desert plains of Tokyo! Tom: [resentful] They don't even know it WAS a cab. > It was on one >of the main highways of Tokyo that seemed to tower above the >sidewalks like they were merely suspended in space, in >apparent defiance of the law of gravity. Mike: Why not? We've broken every other law of common sense today. Tom: Oh, so now the Jetsons are in this crossover? > Daria was scanning >the roads for any sign of Nagisa, Tom: She was picking up some odd vertion and chroniton readings. Mike: Look out! A spatial anomaly! > and then noticed the >Mercedes closing in on them. > >"Shit, they found us!," Daria snarled. > Crow: [Daria] Sure glad we dropped by their garage so I could memorize their license plate number. >Agent C stuck his head and arm out of the car, Tom: Hung his tongue out, let his drool get all over the window... > aiming >his gun right at Daria. Daria managed to pull her head back >in just as Agent C fired his gun. > Mike: [Daria] I think they hold a grudge. >"Can't this thing go any faster?," Jane said to the >cabbie. > Crow: [cabbie] Well I suppose if you dropped it from a great height it could go faster, yeah. >"I'm already over the speed limit, lady!," the cabbie said. > Tom: Then it doesn't matter if you go faster, does it? Mike: [Daria] It figures. Our life's in danger and we get the one law-abiding cabdriver in the whole city. >What they didn't notice was that a NHK traffic >helicopter was above them, doing its normal afternoon rush >hour report. Crow: [snickering] Rush hour. Right. Mike: [traffic reporter] Normal rush hour traffic; the highway's empty except for two cars shooting at each other... > The reporter ordered the pilot to fly in >closer and ordered the cameraman to focus on the action. Mike: Well, at least in a few weeks, they'll be on "World's Wildest Police Videos"! Tom: The cameraman said "What action?", they laughed and moved along! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Greenwood, the television in Shinobu's room was >tuned in to NHK. Soon enough, everyone there saw what was >going on. > Mike: It's the Bush/Gore Debates! Tom: Quick, turn it off before *yawn* before it - it puts us toooooo.... [All snore] >"That's Nagisa's Mercedes there," Shinobu said in his >usual calm tone. > Crow: [Shinobu] You can see where she pried the Jesus fish symbol off the trunk. >"It's chasing that cab!," Bean added. > >"Wait a minute!," Kazuya said, "that's the cab Shinobu >called to get Daria and Jane after they rescued Shun and >Misako!" > Tom: [offended] Oh, like you called for a SPECIFIC cab! Mike: How would he know that? Crow: It's got "DARIA AND JANE'S RESCUE TAXI" written on the side in big neon pink letters. >"The shit's just hit the fan, folks!," Collins growled. Tom: [Collins] Becky! Clean the fan! We're guests here! >"We've got to move out!" > Crow: Or at the very least, turn the fan off! >Everyone scrambled to hit the road. Kazuya and Mitsuru >decided to take Rally's Cobra while Shinobu decided to go in >Bean's Roadbuster. Mike: The Slag Brothers went in the Bouldermobile, Professor Pat Pending in his Convert-A-Car, and Dick Dastardly and Muttley went in the Mean Machine. > Everyone left Ryokuto Academy's parking >lot like they were Hell on wheels. > Mike: When, in fact they were anime on wheels. And whatever you're about to say, Crow, don't. Crow: [mutters indistinctly] >For some odd reason, Rally wanted to hear something >that would psyche her up. Tom: Since she couldn't bring herself to give a rat's ass about any of these clowns. > She had recently put a CD player >in the Cobra and wanted to get her money's worth out of it. Crow: So she popped in her Morrisey CD and let the good times roll! Mike: o/~ Girlfriend's in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious. o/~ >She asked May to put in Fatboy Slim's "You've Come a Long >Way," Baby and play "The Rockafeller Skank." > Tom: With a defiant glare, May slipped in The Spice Girls and started bouncing to "Wannabe". >Soon enough, the song began to play, with Fatboy Slim's >repetitive vocals cutting through the air like jagged pieces >of glass: > Crow: Jagged, unimaginative, tiresome glass. Mike: So, Phillip Glass, basically. >"Right about now!/ Crow: Now? What happened to then? Tom: We passed then. Crow: When? Tom: Just now. We're at now n- Mike: Are you guys going to go through the whole routine? Tom: Yes, now! Crow: We can't. Mike: Why? Crow: We missed it. Tom: When? Crow: Just now. > The funk soul brother!/ Crow: Isaac? Tom: Huggy Bear? Mike: Shaft? > Check it out now!/ Mike: But remember there's a 20-cent a day overdue fine. >The funk soul brother!" > Tom: Hawk? Mike: Hammer? Crow: Superfly? >Rally drove in the direction that Nagisa and Daria were >headed. Mike: Bean, on the other hand, was driving to a Texaco. > Soon enough, they caught up with them. > Tom: It wasn't hard since they were just going through the drive-thru at the Tokyo Wendy's over and over. >"May, get ready!," Rally told her partner. > Crow: April's almost over! >Nagisa, for her part, was trying to gain on the cab. > Mike: Is this the Indy 500 now? >"Ram them if you have to!," Nagisa shrieked at Agent H. Mike: Kurt Warner joins the fight against Daria! Tom: Boy, they're exciting! Crow: You can't be serious. Tom: Oh, uh, I meant "exiting". They're exiting the highway. Taking it on the service road, slowing it down more. Just watch. > >The Mercedes was gaining on the cab. > >"They're playing hardball now!," Daria said to Jane. > Crow: Yeah, not that dinky softball crap. This is the big leagues now! >"But look who's coming!," Jane now said. > All: Chris Mathews! Tom: And he's armed to the teeth! Mike: I heard that Mathews once shot a man just for snoring. >Daria looked and noticed the Cobra and the Roadbuster Crow: Which was one of Sinead O'Connor's albums, if I recall correctly. >gaining on the Mercedes. > Tom: But they caught up three paragraphs ago! Mike: Ed Wood edits a car chase. >Rally was now close enough. Crow: -for jazz. > She bumped into Nagisa's >Mercedes. > Mike: [Rally] Oops, a little TOO close. Heh heh... >"Who's that bitch?," Nagisa yelled at Bill. Mike: Lassie? Crow: Madonna? Tom: Leona Helmsey? > >"I know her!," Bill said. "That's Rally Vincent. Crow: [high school Bill] She sat in front of me in homeroom last year! >She's a bounty hunter from Chicago. Mike: And the militia man from Montana knows an Illinois bounty hunter because...? > She's serious >business!" > Crow: [Bill] All the more reason why I want her! >"She'll learn not to mess with me!," Nagisa said as she >ordered Agent H to bump Rally back. > Tom: [basso] And so, the deadly game of "I Touched You Last" begins! >The Mercedes slammed into the Cobra. However, Bean's >Roadbuster then slammed into the Mercedes, sandwiching it >between the other two. > Crow: [Patton] Dagwood, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! Mike: It's "rush hour", folks. "Rush hour". >Daria saw what happened. "That was a perfect set-up," >she admitted to herself. > Tom: [Daria] Pete's a good writer. His car chases transcend the everyday. >"Shake them off, dammit!," Nagisa ordered Agent H. > Crow: [Nagisa] At least make them vibrate a little! >Agent H tried to steer, but he couldn't go one way or >the other. > Mike: Can't he just hit the brake? Tom: What, in the middle of this heavy "rush hour" traffic? Get real! >As this rather bizarre collection of cars went down the >road, they passed a rather familiar red car. Crow: It was Agent Maxwell Smart, talking to his shoe. > The driver of >the car rolled down his window to look. > Mike: Sort of defeats the purpose of the window. >"HMMM, I wonder if I could be of some assistance," the >rather familiar-looking man--who was wearing sunglasses-- >said to himself. > Tom: Oh good. Keanu Reeves is driving in from the "Matrix II" set to lend a hand. Mike, could I trouble you to just kill me now? Mike: Wait a tic - might not be him. Crow: It might be Napoleon Solo. >The Mercedes was still wedged between the Cobra and the >Roadbuster. Agent C decided it was time to end this >stalemate and drew his gun. Crow: Immediately, Image offered him his own title. > He aimed squarely at Rally. > >"Time of back off!," Tom: Um, about 3.85 seconds. Mike: Rondo Hatten, man of danger! > Rally yelled. Simultaneously, >both the Cobra and the Roadbuster backed off. > Mike: [Rally] He just needs some time alone with himself. I'll wait. >The Mercedes now went full throttle and rear-ended the >cab. Daria, Jane, Shun and Misako were thrown from the back >seat. > All: D'OH! Tom: Yeah, Rally, thanks for the *super* plan! Mike: Brain trauma! It's Fun! >Agent E got his gun out and fired. The bullets were >just whizzing past Daria's window. > Crow: Just another day on the L.A. Freeway. Mike: [Nagisa] Can't you aim straight? Tom: [E] Sorry, I had Stormtrooper training! >"This looks like the end game, guys," Daria said. > Mike: Pawn to queen duh! >Suddenly, the red car appeared again. It plowed right >into the Mercedes, jolting everyone in there. > Tom: Yep, them Duke boys wuz at it again. Mike: Actually, the General Lee wasn't red, it was or- Tom: Look, just go with it, okay, Nelson?! >Suddenly, the red car passed on the right side, and a >red rose dart hit Agent H squarely between the eyes.* > Crow: Ah! The Killer Gardener is back! Tom: Please, please, *please* tell me he's not dragging the Sailor Stupes back into this - this morass! Mike: This is *Pete* we're talking about, remember? Tom: Great. We're doomed. >*In Japan as in Britain, driving is on the left side of >the street; thus the driver's side would be the right side. >--Wrong Way Guerin. > Tom: ** Unless you're facing the car. Mike: Amazing that he pays so much attention to trivial details like driving, yet whenever something important happens, all we ever get is a vague description. >"AAAAAAAAA!," Agent H shrieked. Crow: [H] -Allegra! > He began to swerve. >Agent C removed the rose dart. > Tom: Say what you will of the Japanese, they sure are good gardeners. >"Pay attention, dammit!," Agent C yelled. > Mike: [H] But the blood's dripping in my eye! Crow: [C] No excuses! >Daria and Jane saw what happened, but didn't believe it >at first. > Mike: Well, stand in line! Crow: [Jane] I figure you're still out from the fake explosives, and this is all part of the longest dream sequence in fanfic history. Tom: [Daria] So you're laying this psychotic episode on MY subconscious? Crow: [Jane] It's always the quiet ones that crack first. >"Was that who I thought that was?," Daria said to Jane. > Tom: [Daria] It sure looked like William Howard Taft to me. >Sure enough, the red car drove by, and Daria and Jane >saw that it was none other than Tuxedo Mask. > [All whimper] Crow: [Tuxedo, flighty] Hi ho, sailorettes! So dish, girlfriend! What's the score? Tom: Oh... no... it can't BE... please say it ain't so! Mike: "Yes, that's Tuxedo Mask, Tom Servo."--Peter "Feel my wrath" Guerin. >"I see you need some help again, Daria and Jane!," >Tuxedo Mask said. > Mike: [Daria, defensive] NO! We're FINE, thank you! Tom: [Tuxedo] Because if you needed help- Crow: [Jane] Don't you have a prom to get to or something? >"Funny," Daria said, "I would figure you'd drive a >limo; it would fit." > >"Who do you think I am, Batman?," Tuxedo Mask said with >a laugh. > [All laugh weakly, then transition to weeping.] Tom: Oh, don't tell me Batman's in this fanfic! Crow: No, he might actually do something *effective*! >The Mercedes was gaining again. Tuxedo Mask cut the >Mercedes off with an effortless swerve. > Mike: And then spun out and crashed as his wimpy sports car collided with the product of superior German engineering. >For their part, Rally, May, Bean, Chelsea, Collins, >Kazuya, Shinobu and Mitsuru Tom: Or, as they're occasionally known, "the others". > couldn't believe what was >happening. > Crow: Shun and Misako? They stopped caring long ago. >"Who is that idiot?," Kazuya said; All: Which one?! > "he's risking his >life in assisting us!" > Crow: [Kazuya] That bastard, trying to save our lives! Who does he think he is?! Mike: Once again, the Japanese just don't seem to grasp Superheroics. >"Whoever he is," May gushed, "he's cute!" > Tom: [May] I should offer him a sexual favor. I hear that men like that kind of thing! >"May," Rally growled, "he's probably got a girlfriend!" > Mike: [Rally, muttering] A swarthy, well-muscled, mustachioed girlfriend. Tom: And in the name of the moon, she'll punish you. >May now scowled. > Crow: I'm glad we shared. This was a Celestial Seasons moment. >The Mercedes now was gaining on the cab again. > Tom: [Nagisa] You know, we COULD shoot Tuxedo Mask... Nah! Let's just do something stupid instead! >"Something's got to give here soon," Daria said. > Crow: One would think. Mike: And yet... >The cabbie--a seasoned veteran of Tokyo's labyrinthine >road system--knew a few shortcuts. > Crow: They involved going through Chicago, but what the heck. >"Hang on, ladies!," the cabbie warned; "I'm going to >take a detour!" > Tom: [Daria] But every time you take a detour we always end up right back where we started! Crow: [cabbie] You'd rather I'd stop and ask for directions? >"Hey! Not all of us are ladies here!," Shun said in >protest. > Mike: [cabbie] Okay, broads, dames, wymyn, whatever. Tom: [Shun] That's not what I mean! I'm... Mike: [cabbie] Look, Miss, what you call yourself is up to you, just let me drive my hack, 'kay? >The cabbie ignored Shun as he got off the highway and >headed down a few side streets. > Crow: OK, so it's now, what- four cars against one? Shouldn't the chase be the other way around by now? Tom: I'd just stop the car and give Nagisa a stern talking to. >The pursuit was still in high gear. The Cobra, the >Roadbuster and Tuxedo Mask's car were right behind the >Mercedes, which in turn was behind the cab. Mike: And trailing last again, Double-Zero, Dick Dastardly. > All along, >the NHK traffic helicopter was covering the action. Crow: They, in turn, were feeding live to the Fox special, "World's Most Genderbending Taxi Chases, Part III". > The >curious had gotten outside to see what was happening, Mike: Risking their lives in the process. > and >undoubtedly millions were watching on TV as well. > Tom: Watch, as foreign agents and mobsters turn the city's streets into a theater of blood! >"Now I know what it was like for O. J. Simpson when >he was being chased in that white Bronco," Daria said >wryly. > Mike: Only this time the chase wasn't interrupting "SeaQuest". Crow: Along the road, they see homemade banners saying "Go Nagisa! Slaughter the Gaijin Meddlers!" Tom: Daria vows to continue the search for Trent's real killer, then immediately flies off for an urgent golf game. >"Then again," Jane said, "they were going a Hell of a >lot slower than this." > Mike: Like we're gonna waste time riffing THAT. Tom: It's a $100 question on "Millionaire". Not worth the effort. >The chase wended its way through the narrow side >streets of Tokyo's wards. As Daria said earlier, something >was going to have to give soon. > Crow: Why not make that something *you*? Won't you give - for the children? >Agent E got his gun out and aimed right at Daria's >head. > Mike: [intense] Soon! Something! Had to! GIVE! >Misako saw it and pushed Daria down just as the bullet >whizzed past her and through the windshield. Crow: Thanks, we really needed to know that. > No one, >miraculously, was even grazed. > Mike: [Misako] Did something give?! Crow: [Jane] No, but darn it, something has to! Tom: [Daria] And soon! >"Time to end this shit!," Rally said to May. May now >got out one of her grenades. > Mike: [offended] Oh that's your solution to everything! Crow: So why, precisely, couldn't they have ended it *sooner*? Tom: What?!? Before Daria's concise OJ analogy? Philistine! >Bean gathered what Rally was going to do. He got close >to the Mercedes. > >"Aim for the tires, Chelsea!," Bean said to her. > Mike: Go, invisible mute girl, go! >Chelsea took careful aim, then fired at the rear right >tire. Crow: [spluttering] WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Jeez! > The tire blew up like a firecracker, causing the >Mercedes to spin out of control. > Tom: o/~ Lord won't you wreck me a Mercedes Benz? o/~ Mike: Well, no need for the... >"NOW!," Rally said. May threw the grenade into the >Mercedes. Mike: ... grenade. > Everyone in there bailed out just as it went off, Tom: [Nagisa, jumping] Please let us be playing by "A-Team" rules! >bursting the car into flames. Mike: Going at high speeds? Wouldn't they be, oh, I dunno, killed? > The car now plowed into a >brick wall and exploded into a fireball. > Crow: They Bruckheimered! >Nagisa staggered to her feet. Tom: Yup. "A-Team" rules. > Bill and Agents C, E and H >were fleeing for the alleyways. Nagisa joined them. > Tom: Lucky for them Japan paves its streets with bubble wrap. Mike: Hmm, so bailing out of a car headfirst at 90 mph can result in a series of scrapes and bruises. Good to know. >The other cars in the chase now stopped. Crow: Causing a massive traffic accident. > Daria, Jane, >Shun and Misako got out to join the others. > >"Are you all OK?," Rally asked Daria. > Tom: [Rally] Do you have something to give? 'Cuz it's soon. >"Considering we just went through one Hell of a car >chase, we're OK," Daria said sarcastically. > Mike: [Daria, sarcastic] Oh, it was one HELL of a car chase. My HEART almost DROPPED from exhaustion! >Tuxedo Mask got out of his car and approached the >others. > Tom: [Shinobu] Hey, this is *our* crossover here! Crow: [Rally] Yeah, go on back home, Tuxedo Load! >"Sir, we owe you a debt of gratitude," Collins said to >him. > Mike: Great. Tuxy is the one person Collins is nice to. Crow: He must like him. He didn't even try to draft him. >"Don't worry about it," Tuxedo Mask said. Tom: [Tuxy] People owe me too much, anyway. Why do you think I have a sports car? > "I just >thought to repay a favor Daria and Jane did when they were >here the last time and saved Japan from those >neo-militarists."* > Crow: [Tuxy] Otherwise, you were roadkill, man! >*In "Misery Senshi," the New Imperial Rule Assistance >Association tried to seize control of the Japanese >Government by stealing an experimental jet fighter and >bombing Tokyo into submission.--Hideki Guerin. > Mike: It's funny, but right now, I've never missed Yerko and her stupid Monk CD more. >"Where has my sister and the others gone to?," Shinobu >now speculated out loud. > Tom: They has gone there. Crow: The ICU, if there's a rational unbroken bone in their body. >"They couldn't have gone too far," Collins said. >"We'll continue this pursuit on foot." > Tom: Continue? She was chasing YOU! Crow: And you have cars and they don't... Mike: Well, they don't want to be unfair to the bad guys. >"Ms. Vincent, promise me one thing before we go any >further," Shinobu asked Rally. > >"What?," Rally asked him. > Crow: [Shinobu] Promise me that you'll won't wear those shoes. And if they head for a warehouse... just bail! Please! I can't take another shootout scene! >"Don't harm my sister; take her alive," Shinobu said. Mike: [Rally] She survived a car bomb! Right now I just pray she's not the Terminator! >"She may be a very evil person but I know that if she was >only seen the error of her ways she can be reformed." > Crow: No, that's "Return of the Jedi"! Everyone check their scripts please! Mike: And if you was only seen the error of your grammar, you'd rephrase that. >"You have my word on that," Rally said. > Tom: Coming from for-profit hunters, that means anything? >Collins now gave orders for everyone to go in every >direction and cover the area for Nagisa and the others. Tom: [Tommy Lee Jones] All right people! I want a slap-dab, unorganized search of every mailbox, icebox, and matchbox in a twenty-mile radius! >The end game of this situation was about to be played. Crow: For the third time this chapter! Mike: Cascading climaxes. A "Guerinverse" trademark. >------------------------------------------------------------ > Back at Lawndale High, Mack, Kevin, Jodie and Brittany >were now huddled with the other hostages in the cafeteria. > Mike: Boy, they're strict on that "No Seconds" rule! Tom: You know, I think the chapter one title would've made more sense here. >"Now what are we going to do, Mack Daddy?," Kevin asked >Mack. > Crow: Fold loose-leaf paper into triangles and start the biggest table football tournament ever! >Mack was going to say his usual admonition to Kevin not >to call him that name when a Militiaman yelled everyone to >shut up. > Mike: [militiaman] No one calls anyone "Mack Daddy" ever again! Crow: [Kevin] Gee, everyone is SO touchy. It's like something bad is going on! >Mack was now thinking real hard about what to do. Tom: You mean he wasn't earlier? Crow: Well, you see, that was before he had coffee. > He >had been in worse pickles than this, but this was a matter >of life and death he was dealing with. > Mike: Somehow, I doubt choosing whether to use the long bomb or the quarterback sneak on 3rd & long qualifies as a "worse pickle". >The opportunity now came to him. One of the Militiamen >who was playing cards said, "I'm getting bored with this >game!" > Tom: [militia, throwing cards down] Gotta catch'em all my ass! >Another of them now turned to Mack. "Hey, nigger!" > Crow: [Mack] o/~Heeey, whitey! What's the story, Wendell Corey? o/~ Tom: [militia] o/~ What's the GOODS, Tiger Woods? o/~ >"I hate that name worse than 'Mack Daddy!,'" Mack >said in reply. > Mike: [Mack] But slightly less than 'Flip Wilson'. >"You just listen to me, nigger!," the Militiaman said. Tom: [Mack, whining] But you're sooooo boring! >"You know any good card games?" > Crow: [Mack] Sure! I've got a copy of "Chez Geek" on me! Or if you want to wait a few minutes, I've got some "Brawl" decks out in my locker. >Mack now got up and said, "Give me the deck." > Tom: You're not one to order militiamen around, Mack. >Mack was given the deck; he began to shuffle it. > >"I want to show you how to play flopputs,"* Mack said. > Mike: "Flopputs is like shot put, except you flop it onto your foot, and see how long you can keep it there before yelling in pain."--Peter "I introduced synchronized-diving to Sydney" Guerin. >*Any similarity between this and Captain Kirk's Fizzbin >schtick from the "Star Trek" episode "A Piece of the Action" >is only meant to be a homage, not parody or coincidence. >--Peter "Great Bird of the Sky" Guerin. > Mike: Make a note of that. Crow: Gotcha. "Flopputs - is - definitely - not - a - rip-off - of - Fizzbin." Tom: Homage! It's stealing, but in a *good* way! >"Flopputs?," a third Militiaman said. > >"Yeah, flopputs. Crow: It's like badminton, but with cards! > You see, the game begins with the >dealer dealing five cards clockwise to each player around >the table, unless it's Thursday, then he deals only three >cards to each player counterclockwise." > Tom: [militia, sadly] You don't even know how to make stuff up, do you? >Each of the Militiamen were grunting their assent. > [All grunt, a la Tim Allen] >"Now the player to the left of the dealer goes first, >unless it's a blue moon, then the player on the right of the >dealer goes first." > Crow: [Mack] If there's no moon, then nobody's the dealer! Tom: [militia] The game changes with the phases of the moon? What, you a friggin' Wiccan or something? >"This is a mighty confusing game," the first Militiaman >said. > Mike: Still, it's clearer than Bush's prescription drug plan. >"Now in this game," Mack continued, "jacks are wild, >unless it's Thursday with a full moon, then nines are wild." > Crow: [Mack] And on Wednesdays, "How to Play" cards are wild. Mike: Again with the moon! Was this game made by warwylfs? What?! Tom: Flopputs. As endorsed by Buzz Aldrin. >"So you get only three cards if it's a blue moon >Thursday?," the second Militiaman said. > Mike: [sighing] Oh, what I wouldn't give for the Enterprise to phaser the entire block right now. >"Sure, whatever," Mack said. Crow: [Mack] Hell, I'm just killing time until the next fight scene. Mike: [Mack] Oh, and I hope someone brought a tide chart, otherwise this part's gonna be tricky! > "The first player must >put down a red queen to start the game, unless it's Leap >Day, then he must put down a black seven." > Tom: [militia] I don't know guys, do these rules seem kinda capricious to you? I mean, I know we're easily manipulated into our prisoner's escape plans, but this is kind of insulting! >The third Militiaman put down a red queen. > Tom: [dully] Boy. I'm sure glad this is only a homage. Crow: [same] Yes, you sure said it. Mike: [Mack] OK, now shuffle it around the table, and if I find it, you give me a sawbuck. >"Now the next player must put down the card next >lower and of opposite color on top of that. Tom: [militia] Oh I know this game! Only we call it "Distract the Guard and Take His Gun Away"! Isn't that weird? > The object >of the game is to build up a winning hand that will >out-trump your opponents, unless it's the Queen's >Birthday, then the object is to lose." > Crow: And if it's my birthday, you're SUPPOSED to lose to me! Tom: [militia] OK, but which queen? 1Elizabeth? Beatrix? Scott Thompson? Who? Mike: All I gotta say is, Calvinball is more fun and less confusing. >Mack now noticed the third Militiaman's hand. > Crow: The militiaman's eerie, detached hand had returned from beyond the grave, seeking revenge against Daria, Trent, Kazoo, *both* Bills, Nagisa, Yerko, Pete and, oddly enough, Enrique Iglasias. >"AAAAH!," All: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Mike: Don't *do* that!! > Mack said, "You've got a Regal Crap! Tom: [militia, sad] I know, it's part of my stomach problem. I can't help it. Crow: [growling] Oh, if he farts I'm gonna... > If >you play that in sequence, you win one million points!" > Mike: [militia, suspicious] Heeeey... this is a lot like Captain Kirk's Fizzbin shtick from the "Star Trek" episode "A Piece of the Action"! >The third Militiaman was nonplused. > Tom: [Snagglepuss] Minused, even! >"Huh?," he said. > Crow: No, that's confused. Nonplussed would be "Of course". >"Here, let me show you," Mack said, then punched him >squarely in the face. > Tom: [wincing] Oo! Right in the flopputs! Crow: [Mack] Now see, if this had been a month that started with a vowel, I'd have punched you in the gut. >The other students took that for a sign, and began to >attack their captors. Quinn hit the leader of the >detachment on the knee, making him collapse in pain. >Brittany punched another Militiaman in the testicles. Mike: [slyly] Crotch Kick Number Five! Crow: o/~ A little bit of punching in my batch! A little bit... o/~ Tom: Nothing like tried and true. >Tiffany buried one of her high heels deep into the shin of >another fatigue-clad thug. [All snerk] Crow: Yes, that's *just what Tiffany would have done*, you betcha! Tom: Hey, Mike? If women can overthrow trained killers with a single kick, why are they always screeching when there's a bug in the bathtub? Mike: Tom, I won't answer that since I'd like to date once we get back to Earth. > Soon the students had subdued >their captors, and none too soon. Mike: [goon] Any longer and we would've gone insane with that Flopputs gig! > For that moment, the >SWAT team used a battering ram to knock down the cafeteria >doors and stormed in. Tom: And the Douglas County SWAT Team shows up, fresh from Columbine. > The Lawndale Militia was soon >arrested. > Mike: [militia, as they're led out] So you deal three cards to a wild nine- Crow: [same] No no! You take a red queen on its birthday- Tom: [same] The moon crap. You're forgetting the moon crap. >"Is everyone all right here?," Lt. Smythe asked. > Crow: [Kevin] Shh! We're playing flopputs! Give us a sec. >"Yeah, thanks to Mack Daddy here!," Kevin said as he >threw his arm around Mack's shoulder. > Crow: [Kevin] And no thanks to you incompetent donut hogs! Mike: [Mack, awkwardly] Heh heh! I've never met this man before in my life. >Mack was just too proud right now to give a damn about >what Kevin just called him. > Mike: Though the kiss was pushing it. >"Congratulations, young man," Lt. Smythe said to Mack; Tom: [Smythe] Thanks to you, I didn't have to do anything important! >"You risked your life to save your fellow students. Crow: [Smythe, muttering] Which, we were about to do ourselves... made us look right useless, actually... > You're >a hero. I'm pretty sure the chief will give you a >commendation for this." > Tom: [Smythe] Unless I take all the credit myself. Which I'd never do of course. Heh heh. Nope. Not me. >Mack just smiled to himself. Mike: [Mack] Whew! They're not Trekkies! Thank goodness! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Back at Tokyo, Nagisa, Bill and Agents C, E and H were >still on the run. They finally found a hotel and ducked >into the lobby. > Crow: [bad guys] Aw, crap. It's a Best Western. Let's keep going. >Agent H fired his gun and shouted, "All right, >everyone! You're all being held hostage!" > Mike: [Nagisa] Though you have us surrounded, and none of the exits are blocked! Crow: [H] And someone get me an eye doctor! It still hurts! Mike: [Nagisa] Baby... >Screams filled the air. > Mike: Some crazy movie buff was tossing Scream movie cassettes from the balcony. >"Now they'll have to come to us," Nagisa said to >herself. "And when they do, they'll won't live long to >regret ever tangling with me!" Tom: Well sure, but - huh? Crow: Four teenage girls walk up, kick them in the batch, and they're all arrested. The End. 'Bye! Mike: Just wait, please. Tom: We're going to have to. Time to go. [They exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The doors open onto the Bridge. Crow, Tom and Mike are in a huddle.] Crow: Okay, then we... Mike: And I'll... Tom: Watermelon, watermelon. Mike: Tom, that doesn't work if you're the only person speaking. Tom: Whoops. Sorry. Mike: Ready? Okay. Break! [The trio breaks from the huddle and stand behind the console.] Mike: [stiffly] Oh, this is the worst! I can not take anymore! Tom: [stiffly] Yes, this is by far the worst thing that we've ever experienced! Crow: [Dr. Smith] Oh, the pain! the pain! Mike: [stiffly] No mas, Pearl! No mas! [In response, the light signaling a call from Castle Forrester.] Mike: [stage whisper] Finally! [stiffly] Oh, no. It's Pearl. Tom: [stiffly] We better see what she wants. Crow: Quickly, you blathering blatherskite! [Mike grimaces and surreptitiously punches Crow before hitting the Castle light.] [Castle Forrester] [The Mads smugly smile.] Pearl: So, Nelson. You've finally had it huh? Observer: We knew this time would eventually come. Bobo: And I won the "When will Mike crack?" pool! Pearl: Let's see. What shall I do first? Oh, yes. I was going to humiliate you before I begin my plan of world domination. Which sounds worse, Mike? Should I force you to dance for me in a ballerina outfit or should I make you listen to bad college poetry? Or should I just break out the "Full House" marathon? [grins manically] Or is it all of the above? [SoL] [Close-up of Mike.] Mike: Well, how about none of 'em? HIT IT! [Cambot pans back to show that the SOL's steering wheel has reappeared. Mike lunges at the wheel, as the sounds of a car peeling out can be heard.] [Exterior shot of the SoL] [The satellite, previously orbiting Earth, is now rapidly moving away from the planet.] [SoL] Tom: Woo-hoo! Crow: Way to fake them out, Mike! Mike: [steering furiously] Thank you! [Castle Forrester] [The Mads look dumb struck.] Pearl: [stammering] Br- Brain Guy! They're getting away! Do something! Observer: I'd love to, Pearl, but I just washed my brain and I can't do a thing with it. Bobo: I'll go warm up the Widowmaker. [Bobo exits.] [SoL] [A small boombox sits on the console.] Mike: [still driving] You see, Pearl. Our little story today made us realize one thing; our previous escape attempts failed for one reason only- we needed cool driving music. Crow: Yep. In any good movie, a car chase is only successful when it's accompanied by good theme music. Mike: Tom? If you'll do the honors? Tom: Sure thing. [Tom presses a button on the boombox and music begins to play.] Music: o/~ So what do ya do?/Oh, yeah. I wait tables too/ No, I haven't heard your band/cause you guys are pretty new... o/~ Mike: Ha! Even now, I can feel our speed increasing to speeds unimaginable. We'll be outta here before you can say... Crow: Mike, this song sucks. Can I change it? Mike: Um, sure. Crow: You see, we need a grimier, more techno beat to get us outta here. Mike: Um, okay. Crow: Here. Try this. [Crow presses a button on the box and more music begins to play.] Music: o/~ God money, I'd do anything for you/ God money just tell me what you want me to. o/~ Tom: Oh, please. That is sooo 1990s. [Tom hits another button and different music begins.] Music: o/~ She sings to me like cellophane/ Fake plastic submarine/ slowly turning me insane/ but now that's over. o/~ Crow: Oh, please. Why don't you just play static? We'd have a better chance of escaping. [Crow hits another button.] Music: o/~ Give it to me, baby/ Uh-huh, uh-huh/ Give it to me, baby/ Uh-huh/ Hey, hey! Do that brand new thing! o/~ Mike: [releasing the wheel] Will you two stop it? Here. Just play this. [Mike angrily hits the boom box, and the dulcet sounds of Bruuuce! begin to play.] Music: o/~ Oh, you better watch out/ You better not cry/ You better not pout/ I'm telling you why/ Saaaanta Claus is coming to town!/ o/~ [The bots stare at Mike.] Crow: Okay, that's just completely wrong. Tom: Here. I'll take care of it. [Tom hits another button and...] Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas/ getting caught in the rain o/~ Crow: Oh, not this again. Tom: Mike, you must have broken it! Mike: I did not! It probably just... [A loud CLANG! sounds through the hull.] Tom: What the? Mike: Cambot! Give me Rocket #9! [Exterior: SoL] [Outside of the Satellite, the Widowmaker has pulled alongside of the SoL.] [SoL] All: Pearl? [Widowmaker] Pearl: Yes, it's me, Mike. And you are in sooo much trouble. [SoL] Crow: Hey! We can still get away! [Widowmaker] Pearl: No you can't. [Exterior] [The view pans to the rear of the ship, where a large orange device has been fitted to the rear "bone".] [SoL] Mike: Oh no. We've been booted. Tom: Oh, good work, Mike. Mike: Me? I didn't do any... [Widowmaker] Pearl: Can it, Mike. Now, get back in that theater. We'll discuss the ramifications of this some other time. [She grins evilly.] Maybe I'll send you "Misery" again for you to read... [SoL] [The lights are flashing] Crow: She wouldn't dare. Tom: Yes she would. Mike: It doesn't matter, guys. We've got Guerin Sign! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All three enter.] Mike: That should have worked. Crow: How are we going to get that boot off? Tom: Don't worry about it. I know a guy who can take care of it. >------------------------------------------------------------ >Chapter 8: Frayed Nerves on the Edge Crow: Just look to the corner of your screen. No, not the Sci-Fi logo, US! >------------------------------------------------------------ >It was proving to be a tedious search on foot for Daria >and the others. Tom: [vindictive] Good, give 'em a taste of their own medicine! Ha. > In a crowded city like Tokyo, Nagisa and >the others could be anywhere by now. Crow: Have you checked the hardware store? Crooks like to hang out there. Mike: Time to call in Prince of Space and Jet Jaguar. > Luckily for Agent >Collins, an officer from the Tokyo Metropolitan Police >Department approached him. > Crow: And a hot one at that, rworr! Tom: [officer] Sir, please holster your weapon. You're making children cry. >"Are you the American law enforcement officer who came >here to investigate the Tezuka yakuza?," the TMPD officer >asked Collins. > [All snicker.] Mike: Did they circulate his sketch? Crow: I would. >"Yes, I am," Collins replied. > Tom: [officer] Good, we're here to arrest you and send you back to America! [muttering] Gaijin bastards. >"Ms. Tezuka and her gang have taken hostages at the >Holiday Inn around the corner from here," the TMPD officer >said. > Crow: Are there no Japanese hotels in Japan? >"This is the break we've been waiting for!," Collins >said as he rushed to get the others. Crow: [Collins] Now we take our *own* hostages and the fun can begin! >------------------------------------------------------------ >Tense moments were passing in the hotel lobby. Tom: The burrito eating contest was over, and the toilets *still* hadn't been fixed. > Nagisa >was biding her time, waiting for the final showdown that >must soon take place. > Crow: Or rather, the NEXT in a SERIES of final showdowns, most likely. >"This will either make me or break me," Nagisa said to >herself. > Mike: [H] Uh, boss, what do you mean, "make you"? Crow: [C] Yeah, what are we fighting for here, anyway? Tom: [Nagisa] You know! The right to... um... do evil stuff, and things. >Soon enough, our heroes had entered the hotel lobby. > Tom: Not exactly a secure perimeter, is it? Mike: Then they proceeded immediately to the coffee shop. Crow: Hey, heroing around takes a lot out of ya! >"This is the end of the line for you, Tezuka!," Collins >said. Mike: And thus began the Battle of the Line... > "Surrender peacefully and no one will get hurt." > Tom: [Nagisa] Oh, so I'm "no one" to you now, Collins? I can't believe I watered your plants for you! >"When are you ever going to see that your way of life >does not pay, Nagisa?," Shinobu added. > Crow: [Nagisa] Lessee, 10 million, 11 million, 12 million - huh? Sorry, bro, I was counting my ill-gotten gain. Whadja say? >Nagisa gritted her teeth. She reached for her gun and >aimed right for her hated brother. Mike: [Nagisa] In the name of Paige Fox, DIE! > Rally, however, was >faster and fired a warning shot. Nagisa's agents >misinterpreted the intent of that shot and now opened fire. [All cackle. Crow despairingly slams his head against Mike's shoulder.] Tom: And who could be faulted, when hot lead is so easily misinterpreted. Crow: [Rally] Stupid dummies! I only fired first 'cuz you made me! >Anyone who could ducked for cover. Rally gunned down Agent >H, while May took one of her grenades and threw it at Agent >C. Mike: Oh now come on! In a crowded hotel lobby?! Crow: Screw the militias. Letting THESE clowns run free is the threat to freedom and democracy. > This time, he was too slow and was blown to smithereens. Mike: Redemption? A luxury reserved for major characters. >Agent Collins took care of Agent E. > Mike: And Agent Orange took care of Agent Action! Tom: [Collins] As a man, my kills don't merit much attention. I accept that. Crow: So, to sum up, the Agents were all killed, and the good guys are still alive. >"End this farce now, Tezuka!," Rally growled Mike: No, "Peter". His name is "Peter". > as she >coolly aimed her gun right at Nagisa. > Tom: [Nagisa] I can't! The author's still typing! >"To quote what Shakespeare once said, Crow: I wanteth Joseph Fiennes for the film version. > 'Discretion is >the better part of valor,'" Nagisa said as she threw a vase >right at Rally. [All break out laughing] Crow: Look out, she has calla lilies! Tom: I'm warnin' ya, I've got a chinaware statuette, too! Mike: Once again, evil pottery thwarts our heroes! > The momentary distraction bought her and >Bill some time as they fled upstairs, with Collins and the >others in pursuit. Crow: Yup. That confrontation was as final as a Florida vote tally. Mike: Curses! The villains are outwitting the heroes with pottery and cheap Shakespeare quotes! >------------------------------------------------------------ >When they got to the roof, Nagisa and Bill knew they >needed to take a final stand. Mike: Soon, "Bill and Nagisa's Last Chance Fruit Stand" was doing a bustling business. > Soon, Rally, May, Bean, >Chelsea, Collins, Daria, Crow: Chewbacca, Cliff Claven, Ted Baxter and Deputy Droop-a-long... > Jane, Trent, Tom: [resentful] Trent was never part of the chase. Crow: Can't we do something that makes more sense? Like stare at the sun until our retinas burn away? > Kazuya, Shinobu, >Mitsuru, Shun, Misako, Tom: Jeez, "Doonesbury" has fewer characters than this. > Reina and Tuxedo Mask were up on the >roof as well. > Mike: One more time, our cast, ladies and gentlemen! >"You'd better give yourselves up now," Tuxedo Mask >said, his trusty walking stick at his side. > Crow: So in the space of a few paragraphs, we've gone from semi-automatics and souped-up cars to vases and walking sticks. Tom: Sad, really. Mike: Criminals with bazookas tremble in fear from Tuxy's piece of wood! [beat] Er, little cane. No. His small shaft. Blast! Can either of you two think of something that doesn't sound dirty in that riff? Crow: Nope. Tom: Just let it go. >"You ruined this for me!," Bill now roared. "We would >have gotten the weapons we needed to retake Lawndale. Tom: [Bill] The water park! The "Whack-a-Mole" game! The snow cone concession! > We >would have run the town on solid constitutional principals >and not with that damn half-baked socialism that's infecting >the rest of the nation!" > Crow: [Bill] Not that I'm passing judgment or anything. Mike: Oh, is the little militia baby gonna cry, huh? C'mon, little militia baby, cry for us! >"If I recall," Daria said, Mike: [Daria] Canada's more socialist than we are. Why don't you go overthrow them, huh? > "your uncle put the entire >city government on trial and then ordered them executed. Tom: [Bill, sighing] Still living in the past, eh? > If >Sailor Moon and I didn't stop them, it would have been a >fascist dictatorship running the town now."* > Crow: [Bill] So? We were overthrowing the city government for a REASON, you know? >*All that happened in "Misery Senshi."--Encyclopedic >Peter. > Tom: Yes, it's the "Melonpool Salivate Bloomberg Participle"! >"You commie!," Bill roared. Crow: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but party affiliations will never hurt me! > "You and all your jackbooted >thug allies! Tom: Odd, aren't fascists jackbooted thugs? Crow: [Jane] Hey, these are fireman's boots! Mike: [Bill] Ok, you and all your jackbooted-slash-firebooted- Tom: [May] Wait, you're forgetting my fashionable Versace three-inch pumps! > You let the Beltway freaks take all our money >and hand it to lazy niggers and spics! When we take over >for good, that's going to change." > Mike: We'll give the money to lazy albinos and deaf-mutes! >"How, by herding them into concentration camps?," >Jane asked. > Crow: [Bill] That's not a nice name for our Underachiever's Health Management Facilities. >Bill now was extremely angry. Mike: [Marvin] Oh, you made me very angry... > "I'm going to blow >your fucking brains out, you nagging bitches!" Tom: [Daria] Bill, I'm sensing a lot of anger here. Did I do something to upset you? That wasn't my intention. > He now >got out his gun. > Crow: All the better, since blowing their brains out via a hair dryer would've taken much too long. >Bean saw what was going to go on, and shoved the girls >out of the way, Mike: [Bean, desperate] You're between me and the exit, move! > but not before the bullet grazed him on his >kevlar headband, making him temporarily woozy.* > Crow: This story's having the same affect on me. Tom: Then permanently dead... Mike: Kevlar headband?! What the-?! Crow: Payoff, sans set-up. That's novel. >*That same thing happened in the "Riding Bean" OAV. >--Knight Saber Peter. > Mike: If it happens once, it's merely unbelievable. If it happens *more* than once, it's an official plot device. >Bill yelled and now charged at Daria and Jane. > Tom: Though a groundbreaking weapon, the novelty of the "one-shooter" passed quickly. >"Die, fucker!," Rally now snarled, then fired a >hollow-point bullet right into Bill's brain, dropping >him. > Crow: What? No kicking the area? No Vulcan Neck Pinch? No falling off the roof? Just "Bang, you're dead?" Tom: Now see, if we'd just done this 40, 50 pages ago, we'd have been home for dinner by now! Sheesh! >"That just leaves one more to go," Collins said. Bean >was now recovering from the attempt on his life. > Crow: [begins to grunt, ala Mr. Bean] Tom: Thank god. If he had died, I would never have forgiven Pete. Mike: So you forgive him now? Tom: [resentful] Hey! Do I poke into YOUR business, buddy?! Mike: [defensive] OK! Jeez! >"You'll never get me alive!," Nagisa said. Suddenly, >she bolted for the edge of the roof! > Mike: Uh huh, brilliant strategy, Nagisa. Instead of facing a couple of years in prison, then going back on the street to resume your duties, you commit suicide. Brilliant. >"Nagisa! Tom: Can you clean the gutters while you're there? > No!," Shinobu said in a sudden panic. But it >was too late. Nagisa threw herself off the roof, with a >loud "AAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Tom: As last words go, stunningly unoriginal. Crow: Ah, so SHE'S the mysterious Agent A. Mike: No one ever mentioned Agent A. Tom: Of course not Mike, that's why she's so mysterious. >What everyone heard and saw next was just short of >incredible. > Mike: Al Gore laid a big sloppy kiss on his wife! All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! >Nagisa's death shriek was replaced with a soft "THUD!" >and a "WHAT!" Mike: Hmmmmmmm, I thought it was more of an "OOOMPH"! and a "HOW!" Crow: Sounded more like a "GERONIMO" and a "SHIRLEY"! to me. Tom: I guess landing on those three crates of TNT cushioned her fall. > Suddenly, fluttering to the roof was none >other then Eternal Sailor Moon in her flight mode. > All: [dread and embarrassment] Oh-ho, no no no no... >"You set this up, didn't you?," Daria asked Tuxedo >Mask. > >"Guilty as charged," Tuxedo Mask replied. > Mike: It's off to jail for you, on the charges of annoying plot contrivances and just bad fashion sense. Tom: Of course, he had a little help, didn't he - PETE?!?!? >Suddenly, some National Police officers stormed the >roof. Crow: And once again, the cops arrive just in the nick of too late. Mike: Who the heck trains these guys? "Head in after everyone's dead. It's much easier to handcuff them that way." > Sailor Moon dropped Nagisa off on the roof and then >landed. Tom: [Daria] Did you have to drop her head-first like that? Crow: [Sailor Moon] Well they don't call me Sailor Butterfingers for nothing. To be honest, I didn't exactly catch her before the first bounce. > Soon enough the NPA officers swarmed her as they >handcuffed her. > Mike: Then they stung her repeatedly. >"Nagisa Tezuka, Crow: Come on down! > you're under arrest for murder, >attempted murder, grand larceny, smuggling contraband >weapons and conspiring to overthrow a foreign government," >one of the officers told her. > Tom: You left out "Littering", "Premeditated Cow Tipping" and "Conspiracy to Commit Anime". Crow: Oh, and "Invasion of the Neptune Men". Sorry, but someone has to take the fall for that. Mike: [Nagisa] So why is it all right whenever I try to overthrow China, Iraq or Iran, but not the United States? Huh? Hypocrites! >Nagisa now was being led away. As she passed Shinobu, >she turned around and said, "Shinobu, don't think this is >over! Crow: [crying] It's not over?! All: [same] NOOOOO! > I'm going to beat this rap! Mike: Hey, who are you to judge the kids of today and their music?! > And when I do, you and >all your friends are dead meat! Tom: Carrion, my wayward son? Mike: Now stop that! It's bad enough. > You hear me, Shinobu, >you'll all die, die, DIE!" > Tom: So, to sum up - "die". Mike: [Shinobu] So see ya at Craig's "Survivor 2" party? Crow: [Nagisa] Natch. Later bro. >Nagisa was hauled away. > Crow: *AS* garbage! >"I guess that wraps that up," Rally said. > Mike: [Rally] I'm hungry. Who's up for Wendy's? >"Of course, there's the matter of getting the weapons >out of the warehouse and presenting them as evidence," >Collins said, Tom: [Collins] Wonder if we should've left someone guarding it! > "but I think this is pretty much a closed >case now, Pussycat." > All: o/~ Whoa-whoa-whoa! o/~ >Rally scowled again. Mike: [tenderly] o/~ You, and your puss-y-cat... SCOOOOOWL! o/~ >------------------------------------------------------------ >When they got back to the dorm, Daria and the others >noticed that they got back in time for the evening news. Crow: Oh, joy, news! It's so exciting and fun! And it has Dan Rather in it! Tom: Switch it. "Shop 'Til You Drop" is on. Channel 52. >Shinobu turned on NHK. The reporter had this to say: > Crow: [Reporter] Boring fanfic - or real life? Next, on "Sick Sad World"! >"The standoff at Lawndale High School ended when one >brave student, Michael Jordan Mackenzie, Tom: Michael wha? > pulled something >similar to Captain Kirk's Fizzbin trick and duped the >Lawndale Militia. Mike: [NHK] For late-arriving viewers, Pete's footnotes are scrawling across the bottom of our screen. Tom: [Reporter] He and his friends then donned gangster outfits and went off to hassle Vic Tayback. Crow: NHK! The network for Star Trek geeks! > The ruse bought time for the other >students to rise up and resist their captors just as the >local police stormed the school. Crow; [newsreader] Um- wait. That can't be right. That's stupid. > 'Mack,' as Mackenzie >likes to be called, Mike: Or "Mack Daddy", as he despises... > is being hailed as a hero by the >police." > Tom: [Hiro, gasping] They said my name! Turn it up! Turn it up! >Daria let out one of her Mona Lisa-like faint smiles >at that news. Crow: DaVinci's "La Misery-Chicka". Mike: There's a school of thought that Daria is actually a self-portrait of Leonardo in pea-green jacket and boots, you know. Tom: Really. Hm. >------------------------------------------------------------ >The next day, Daria and the others were preparing to >take the next flight home to Lawndale. Tom: Just like in "Mazdas Not Zooming Back Brad Davidson"! Mike: And we all know how Lawndale has an International Airport. > The entire Greenwood >gang had turned out to wish them well. > Crow: Oh, a nice turnout for this fanfic's last performance... Tom: Wait until the next tour! [All shudder.] >"Thanks for everything, gentlemen, and lady," Collins >said to them. > Tom: [Collins] And you as well, wretched earth-bound specter. >"You've been of tremendous help to us," Rally added. > Mike: Many a crotch sleeps a little uneasier! >"Kazuya," Daria said, "stick up for yourself and don't >let everyone else bully you." > Tom: [Daria] Except Misako. Obey EVERYTHING she says, or you'll be drenched! >"And consider taking some art classes," Jane added. > Mike: [Jane] And add more strychnine to your diet. It tastes just like Hubba Bubba bubble gum! Oh, and lose some weight too, while you're at it. >The announcement was made that the flight for Lawndale >was now boarding. > Tom: Is the whole world accepting Lawndale as its capital or something? IT'S A TOKYO FLIGHT TO THE U.S., FOR CRYING OUT GREENWOOD, NOT A LOCAL SHUTTLE! >"Farewell, and good luck!," Shinobu said as Daria and >the others now left for the plane. > Mike: [Shinobu] Try to avoid another sequel! >"Man, this was just so weird!," Kazuya said. > Crow: [Ska] The way people talked to me as a human being and stuff. Tom: [Shun] Yeah, yeah. Just hand over your lunch money before you make the ghost mad. >"Now things can get back to normal here," Shun said. > >"Define 'normal' for me as it applies to Greenwood," >Kazuya challenged Shun. > Mike: [Shun] Hm, "normal" for you... I guess that's the joyless screech-fest you subject us to all the live-long day. >"Just remember, Hasukawa, anything abnormal is normal >at Greenwood," Mitsuru shot back. > All: Wah-wah-wah! Tom: [Mitsuru] And I mean anything! Dwarves! Albinos! Goiters the size of inner tubes! >Kazuya just groaned as he and the others began the >trip back to Ryokuto Academy. Crow: Ironically, Kazoo has now become a mouthpiece for the reading audience. >------------------------------------------------------------ >It had been several days now since Daria had left for >Japan. Mike: Already, it seemed like the world was just more cheerful and perky. > Helen was trying not to think the worst, Tom: But that German sausage smelled so good! Mike: No, "worst". With an "O". > but >wouldn't be satisfied until Daria was back safe and sound. > Crow: Hey, check CNN! Maybe they'll have some news about Daria's exploits in Japan! I mean, NHK bothered to cover YOUR story. >"Damn!," Helen said, "you know, Eric's been on my >back about my productivity slipping, and it's all because >I've been worried for Daria!" > Mike: [Helen] I tried to make pancakes, but they were just TOO thick! All because of Daria! Stupid daughter, why'd I ever give birth to her anyway?! >"Don't worry, Helen," Jake said, trying his best to >sound fatherly, "our kiddo will be back before you know it!" > >"Who really cares?," Quinn said, Crow: Quinn, that's not the chorus to "Bohemian Rhapsody". Check your sheet music. > "I'm getting used to >her not being here!" > Tom: [Jake] Y'know, come to think of it, I am too. Crow: [Helen] Well, come on then - let's all get out of here before she sees us and follows us home! >"Quinn!," Helen shrieked, "how dare you think that >about your own sister!" > Mike: [Quinn] I didn't think it, I just said it! Tom: [Helen] How dare you overdo your character development! >"But, Mom!," Quinn whined, "ever since the Fashion Club >found out the truth about us, I've gotten nothing but >grief!" > Crow: Sporty, well-cut, ready-to-wear grief! >But before Quinn could continue, the door opened, and >Daria, her friends and everyone else entered. > Mike: Let's see, that's Skunk, Pothead, Harley, Bippy, Chrissy, Turd, Monica, Officer Hepcat, Bazooka Charlie, Ru Pat, Groovy Ghoulie, and Chad! Did I miss anyone? Crow: I think Lum was in there too. Tom: Lum? >"Hey, kiddo!," Jake said; "how was the Land of the >Rising Sun?" > Tom: [Daria] I was traumatized by seeing Michael Douglas's butt. Crow: [Jake] You too, huh? >"Daria!," Helen said in surprise, "we were worried, >weren't we, Quinn?" > Tom: [Daria] What, that I'd answer the question? >"Yes. Mother," Quinn snarled. > Mike: [Quinn, muttering] Wish I were abducted by clueless bloodthirsty bounty hunters. >"We busted the gun smuggling ring," Daria said. "What >happened while I was gone?" > Tom: But... but you already know what happened! Crow: Please not a recap, please not a recap! >"The Lawndale Militia took over the school," Quinn >said, "but Mack thwarted them." > Crow: [Quinn] Then I went to the mall and saw these killer tube tops, but the clerk wouldn't take a check without identification, and I said HELLO?! Who else would be buying a tube top so clearly made for my waifish figure? Tom: So just a typical day in Lawndale? Mike: Yeah, same-old same-old. >"You know, this calls for a celebration," Rally said. >"Dinner's going to be on me!" > Mike: So Rally spread herself nude and Becky laid piles of mashed potatoes and cold cuts atop her. Crow: I smell an NEA grant... >Becky groaned, then said, "Rally, all you ever have for >dinner is either pizza or Chinese!" > Crow: AAAH! Oh, it's Becky. Hey, where was she the whole time? Snoozing? Tom: [Becky] Or that Caldereta de Marisco you make with monkfish and saffron rice. >Everyone laughed over that remark. Crow: Why? Tom: Well, because, and, um - look, it's just funny, okay?!? Laugh, dammit! LAUGH!!!! > Life, hopefully, >was beginning to return to normal at Lawndale. Mike: In other words, misery and quiet desperation. Tom: So. Any loose ends? Crow: Nope. Tom: All conflict resolved? Crow: Seems that way. Tom: Sounds like a signal for Pete to crank out another twenty pages. >------------------------------------------------------------ >EPILOGUE >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Yup. That's the crank. Right there. Hear it? Mike: Epilogue. The hub of the timber industry. >Several months had passed since the Lawndale Militia >last tried to take over Lawndale. Now, in a back room >somewhere in New York City, Tom: A hundred Chinese women made knockoff jeans for 50 cents an hour. > another attempt was beginning >to form. > Mike: Slowly but sinisterly, a man know only as "Pete G." turns on his word processor. >There were two shadowy figures in the dimly lit room. Crow: Hey, shadowy men from a shadowy planet! >One of them procured a book. > Tom: "Movie Mega-Cheese"? Crow: What kind of a lame book is that? Mike: Ah, it's probably written by some loser living in Minnesota. >"As you can see, I had a difficult time getting the >boys to steal this from Arkham," he said as he handed it >to the other figure. > Mike: [shadow] One of them poured grape juice on it. Dabbed it off best I could. Bots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >"Just as long as I have it," the other figure said >to the first. > Mike: What? Tom: [sobbing] He's gonna pull DC into this deathpit! Crow: [grimly] What sin could a bot commit in a single lifetime... >"You're not going to attempt this again, are you?," Crow: [figure] I have to. Peter said so. >the first shadowy figure said. Tom: [first shadow] The first time should've convinced you. You can't rearrange the words and claim it's a new book! > "The stars are no longer >in alignment." > Mike: Nicole Kidman's slightly off-center. Crow: [shadow] Misaligning the stars is a clear violation of your service contract. >"I have other plans for this," the other shadowy >figure said. Crow: "Like a doorstop!" > He now left the room. > Tom: Shudder, at the nefarious book purchases of indistinct menaces! >High above, peering through a skylight, was a third >shadowy figure. > Mike: [ominously] "The Librarian". Crow: A new superhero? Mike: Naw, just a librarian. Crow: Oh. >"So, he's going to use that book to resurrect the most >hated person to have ever lived, Tom: But Herzog's not even dead yet. > then seek out the Sword of >Destiny," Mike: Spear. Sword. It's something pointy. > this third person said. Tom: Great, it's Super Exposition Man! > "It was militia groups >like his that brutally murdered my wife and left me for >dead. Crow: [hero] Me! Super Backstory Exposition Man! > Now I've dedicated my life to stopping these militias >and other groups who would destroy our nation. Crow: [hero] And I will! As Super Mission Statement Constant Narration Backstory Exposition Man! > In the name >of Justice, Tom: And low, low prices on all items! > I will fight, for I am GENERAL JUSTICE!" > Crow: And I am SPECIFIC RETRIBUTION! >A thunderbolt now rent the sky, Tom: Then was soon evicted by the landlord after falling two months behind on payments. > lighting up the scene. Mike: The thunderbolt was a real party goer, and invited all the clouds over for beer and Monday Night Football. >This third person was now revealed. Crow: [gasping] Jm J. Bullock?! > He was a man, roughly >in his late sixties with white hair and mustache, and >wearing a five-star general's dress green uniform. Mike: Surely this is the man to stop America's drift towards militarism! > At >his side was a broadsword, with a jewel at the place >where the blade met the hilt; it was yellow and had a >black design of scales in the middle. Crow: [flighty] We think your sword is FAB-U-LOOOUS! > General Justice >now left the rooftop, heading for his car. Mike: Good, for a moment, I thought he was going to take the bus. Tom: [hero] I would leap majestically across the city's skyline... but I've been so sick. Cough. Cough. > The time to >act was now, before the worst calamity to ever befall >humanity could occur. Tom: Yeah, no third sequel to thi- >------------------------------------------------------------ >THIS IS NOT THE END! Tom: [Sighs] Mike: I LAUGH AT YOUR POOR END-CONCEPTION ABILITY! >COMING IN SPRING 1999 Mike: Really? Hey, we missed it! Crow: Don't underestimate Pearl, Mike. If it's out there, she'll find it. >"LAWNDALE MILITIA III: THE FINAL CONFLICT!" Crow: "Lawndale Militia IV: The Killing Blow"! Mike: "Lawndale Militia V: They Die This Time! Really! Honest And For True"! Tom: "Lawndale Militia VI: Phoenix Rising"! >FEATURING APPEARANCES FROM THE CASTS OF: Mike: Everything! Crow: Daria! Tom: Goof Troop! Mike: The Mikkado! Crow: Hercules! Tom: All Quiet on the Western Front! Mike: CNN Headline News! Crow: The Rocky Horror Picture Show! Tom: Logan's Run! All: Everything! >"SAILOR MOON" Crow: Thrill as they fight evil by moonlight. >"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!" Tom: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to appear in a Daria fanfiction. You have the right to kick a random bad guy in the crotch. Crow: [considering] "Sailor Moon, You're Under Arrest" Hmm... Mike: Don't dream. You'll just have further to fall to earth. Crow: Pleasant thought, though. >"THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS" Crow: Ha! I *was* right after all! Eat it, Nelson! Mike: Considering that we're gonna wind up eating *this*, I don't see why you're so happy. Crow: Hey, I'll take what I can get. >AND FEATURING THE ALL-NEW ORIGINAL CHARACTERS Tom: Of the Guerin family! Mike & Crow: AUGH! >"THE UNITED STATES JUSTICE SOCIETY"! Tom: Oh, good. Another Homage. Crow: And not a rip-off. Mike: No, of course not. >PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE ULTIMATE BATTLE BETWEEN >GOOD AND EVIL! Tom: TO BE FOUGHT ENTIRELY IN UPPER-CASE! [All rise] Mike: C'mon let's get outta here before... >------------------------------------------------------------ >AUTHOR'S AFTERWORD >------------------------------------------------------------ > [All sigh, and resume their seats] Mike: Yep, I was afraid of that. Crow: Oh, right. It's Pete. Twelve more endings to go. Tom: You know why Pete's endings seem so long? Because there's no inspiring theme music to play behind it! [Tom clears his throat, and sings his lines to the tune of "Star Wars".] Tom: o/~ It's the en - ding! But it's not O - ver! It's only O - ver! When I say it is! o/~ >There's one more in-joke I want to explain before I >wrap this baby up. Tom: o/~ How could you, leave, without the IN - jokes! Without the IN - jokes! It won't make sense! o/~ Mike: All to be explained in unnecessary detail! Crow: Generally, I find it's easier just to put a baby in one of those gift bags than trying to wrap one up. > It's mainly the titles for each chapter. >Except for Chapter 3, each is a pun on an actual episode of >either "Gunsmith Cats" or "Here is Greenwood." Tom: o/~ What I did, I took stuff from some things that you've never seen And twis - ted it so it was FUN-ny! o/~ > Chapter 3 is >actually a pun on the movie "A Passage to India." Tom: o/~ Except, for one thing where I did the same thing, but not. o/~ > Here are >the chapter titles again, with the actual episode titles >they make fun of: > Tom: o/~ I'll make it clear, through this fantastic LI-I-IST! o/~ Mike: [to Crow] He thinks we're still listening. Crow: Humor him. He lives for this kind of thing. >Chapter 1: "End Zone Huddle" is a pun on "Gunsmith >Cats'" Episode 1: "The Neutral Zone." > Tom: o/~ Gunsmith Cats! Scratch! Give me a fe-ver! o/~ Crow: So where were all the Romulans? >Chapter 2: "Aim High, Shoot Low" was the name of a >song from Yes, and also makes fun of the "Gunsmith Cats" >episode "Swing High!" > Tom: o/~ Now from a YES song! I'm really smart! O/~ Mike: o/~ Swing High, Sweet Chaaaaariot... o/~ Tom: Stop it! You're messing me up! >Chapter 4: "Thou Shalt Loathe Thy High School Grind" >is a pun on "Here is Greenwood's" first episode "Thou Shalt >Love Thy Daily Life." > Tom: [struggling] o/~ Doo-de-doo... do... something from GREEN-wood! o/~ Mike: And thou shalt not bear false character traits against thy supporting cast. Crow: Again, "one in-joke" needs explaining. >Chapter 5: "Daria Super-Paean" is a pun on "Here is >Greenwood's" "Nagisa Hyper-Rhapsody." > Tom: [still struggling] o/~ This part is STU-pid! o/~ Mike & Crow: o/~ I see a little silhouette-a of a girl, Daria, Daria, can you stop the fanfiction? o/~ >Chapter 6: "No Love--Won't Be There for You" is a pun >on "Here is Greenwood's" "Second Love--Always Be There for >You." > Tom: o/~ So on and such! o/~ [stops singing] OK, now the bar scene! Crow: o/~I'll be there for youuuuuuu! o/~ Mike: And "Third Love 'Cause it's plain to see, that you're the only one for me, and..." >Chapter 7: "Nevermind Devilwood--Hell is Tokyo!" is >an indirect pun on "The Making of Here is Devilwood" >episode of "Here is Greenwood." > [All stare at the text.] Tom: Great. He just strangled the song in my heart and watched its eyes go dead. Mike: An *indirect* pun? Crow: By these standards, "Saving Private Ryan" is a pun on "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". >Chapter 8: "Frayed Nerves on the Edge" is a pun on >the "Gunsmith Cats" episode "High Speed Edge." > Mike: Well sure, I could see, the way they both have words, and there are capital letters and stuff. >I hope you liked this story. Crow: If not completely satisfied, please return the non-desiccated portions of your psyche for full refund. > Keep your eyes peeled Mike: [Casey Kasem] And keep reaching for the stars! > for >"Lawndale Militia III: The Final Conflict," which will wrap >up "The Lawndale Militia Trilogy." Tom: It will come attached to the e-mail subject, "I Love You". Crow: [Guerin] Then I'll make a Sonic/Star Trek/Star Wars/Babylon 5/Pokemon crossover trilogy! > Until then, take care! > Tom: And look both ways when you cross the Internet! Peter Guerin cares. >Peter W. Guerin >President and CEO, Mark Zero Fan Fiction, Unlimited Mike: I guess we're all president of something, in our own way. Crow: I guess. >January 16, 1999 >5:04 PM Mike: Remember that day, people. That was the day Nostradamus predicted the Apocalypse. >------------------------------------------------------------ >THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN >FICTION, UNLIMITED! Tom: Yeah, Pete. I'm sure Viacom is jealous as all get out. I'm sure they're gnashing their teeth in fury because they couldn't contribute to your "exclusive creation". Shyah! >------------------------------------------------------------ >"Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" >------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: Well, at least he's self-aware on some level. >Home Page: http://welcome.to/markzero.com Crow: Engage? >or >http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 Mike: Someone's addressed for the occasion, he said, chortling softly to himself. Crow: Television city? What does CBS have to do with it? >------------------------------------------------------------ >E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com >------------------------------------------------------------ >Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com Tom: OK! Fine! Whatever! Can we GO now?! Mike: [rising, grabbing Tom] Yeah, let's vamoose along this way, here. Crow: [following] So if Daria isn't in the next one, how's the Lawndale Militia gonna tie in? Mike: Don't bring tomorrow's pain today, please. >------------------------------------------------------------ >CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! Tom: You sure Akane wasn't coming by to bash you over the head? >------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > Mike: Is that it? Crow: Maybe he knocked himself out with the !@#$%^& hammer. Tom: If it gives him HALF the pain that he's given us... Mike: I don't see any more text scrolling. Tom: Well what are we waiting for?!? Let's vamoose while he's still out like a mackerel! [All exit. Quickly.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [As the doors close, the scene shifts to Castle Forrester, where Pearl is pacing nervously back and forth. Behind her, Observer and Professor Bobo are watching her without a great deal of interest.] Pearl: This is it. I can feel it. Observer: [bored] Of course it is, Pearl. Pearl: I mean, this is the second Guerin story that he's had to sit through. The sheer volume alone has to have driven him over the bend. [Bobo is idly filing his nails.] Bobo: Sure, Lawgiver. I mean who wouldn't that happen to? Pearl: It's time. Brain Guy, connect me to the Satellite! Observer: [bored] Uh-huh. Pearl: Brain Guy! Observer: [snapping back to reality] Huh? Oh, oh yes. Contacting the Satellite... now. [A horrible, gut-wrenching scream fills the Castle. Pearl grins expectantly.] Pearl: Hah! I knew it! [impatiently] Brain Guy! Give me video already! I want to see them suffering! Observer: Video coming through... now! [SoL] [Mike stands with his back to Cambot. He holds a chainsaw over his head and is poised, ready to strike. Tom stands in the background, a look of sheer horror on his, er, dome.] Tom: No, Mike! NOOOOO!!!! [As Tom shouts, a loud scream, sounding suspiciously like Crow begins, but is terminated abruptly as Mike brings the chainsaw down...] [Castle Forrester] [Observer looks stunned. Pearl beams triumphantly. Bobo is still cleaning his nails, non-chalantly.] Observer: Oh, heavens. Pearl: I did it! He's finally snapped! And gone completely over the top in doing so too! I better start preparing my victory speech! I can't to see the face on that Helen Nar... [SoL] [Mike, wearing a pair of safety goggles, turns around.] Mike: Hi Pearl. You wanted something? I was just dealing with a little problem here. [Castle Forrester] [Bobo is still filing his nails.] Observer: Dear lord. He's eviscerated the spider duck. Pearl: So, Mike. It seems that you've finally met your match. The prose of Peter Guerin has driven you over the edge and you've went and killed your little friend! [SoL] Mike: Huh? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: You killed Art! Observer: You bastard. [SoL] Tom: Pearl, Crow's fine. [Crow screams again.] Mike: Oh, quiet. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: But, the screams! Observer: You obviously killed something, Michael. [SoL] Mike: Oh, that. Well, I..., I... [Mike steps aside to reveal the remains of a horribly mutilated, automated, formerly-singing bass. Crow stands beside it, staring at the remains in horror.] Mike: I had to kill it, Pearl. The cursed thing was driving me insane with its singing. The singing of that hideous fish! Crow: Billy! Speak to me, sole brother! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [disheartenedly] So, the story didn't drive you insane? [SoL] Mike: Heck no! It was that damn fish! [The head of the bass rises slightly, and begins to sing.] Billy: o/~ Don't... worry... be... hap... o/~ [Before the bass can finish, Mike grabs a hammer and bashes the bass' head repeatedly.] Tom: Wow. It came back to life! What a fluke! Crow: [weeping] Never more will he sing the hits of Vince Gill, Billy Ocean, Pike Jones, or Squid Rock! Tom: Aw, quit yer carping. [Castle Forrester] [Bobo snaps his fingers twice and rubs his fingers together, then motions towards Observer. Observer hands a sawbuck to Bobo, who pockets it. Pearl sees none of this and seems to be pondering something.] Pearl: So, the fish's singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" caused you to snap? [SoL] Tom: Mike! Ix-nay! Ix-nay! Mike: Oh, um, no! Of course not! The fish, er, stole my girl. Damn fish. Tom: [to Crow] So ya think we should we hold services? Crow: Of course! He was a devout E-pisca-palian! Mike: Enough with the fish jokes, guys. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Damn. [brightening] Oh well. I've still got an ace up my sleeve. After all Mike, we've still got another story in this trilogy... [SoL] All: Cool! [Castle Forrester] All: Cool? Pearl: you're actually looking forward to this? [SoL] Mike: Heck, yeah! In fact, we're so anxious for it that we've gone ahead and written the sequel for Pete! [Castle Forrester] [Pearl looks dumbstruck.] Pearl: You did what? [SoL] Mike: We went ahead and wrote the sequel, and we're going to perform it now! Hit it, guys! [The lights go out.] Tom: [V.O.] Coming soon from the creator of "The Manhattan Saluvictorian Naguahide Wearing Debutante Bellhop Diuretic", a story years in the making. Mark Zero studios proudly presents "The Return of the Return of the Lawndale Militia." Mike: [V.O.] It's Daria vs. the Lawndale Militia in an all-out battle to the death! [A spotlight illuminates the stage. In its midst stands Crow, once again dressed like Daria.] Crow: Gosh, it sure is nice, quiet and peaceful. It would be a horrible shame if anything bad happened. [Mike jumps onscreen, dressed again a quasi-military jumpsuit.] Mike: Ah-ha! You've let your guard down, Daria! For we, the evil Lawndale Militia have returned! [Crow turns towards Mike and kicks him in the crotch. Mike groans and drops to the ground. The spotlight disappears.] Tom: [V.O.] Thrill as Daria makes new allies! [The spotlight returns. Crow stands next to Mike, who is dressed in a Batman outfit.] Mike: Daria, Robin's been hurt. I need you to join me, and become the new Robin! [Crow turns towards Mike and kicks him in the crotch. Mike groans and drops to the ground. The spotlight disappears.] Tom: [V.O.] And she makes new enemies! [The spotlight returns. Crow stands alone. Moments later, Mike, dressed as Darth Maul jumps into the spotlight. He snarls, and then Crow kicks him in the crotch. The spotlight fades.] Tom: [V.O.] And this happens too! [The spotlight returns. Mike and Crow are both dressed in Victorian-era British military uniforms.] Crow: Tally-ho! Mike: We've got those bloody punjabs on the run now! Crow: For Queen and country! [The spotlight fades.] Tom: [V.O.] This too! [Crow, once again as Daria stands next to a cardboard cutout of Jakob Dylan.] Crow: Trent, I know we've haven't spoken much lately, but I love you! I always have! Oh, let's make hot monkey-love right now! [Thankfully, the spotlight extinguishes itself.] Tom: [V.O.] And more! [The spotlight to show a trenchcoated man, looking vaguely like Sting, drinking at the console. Daria-Crow enters moments later.] Crow: Mr. Constantine? I'm Daria. [Three cardboard cutouts of five year old superheroes appear behind the Brit.] Girls: And we're the Powerpuff Girls! Crow: And we need your help to fight Professor Moriarty, Clive Anderson, and the Vorgon Constructor Fleet! Constantine: Oh, bloody hell. [The spotlight fades, then returns with Daria-Crow standing heroically, hair flapping in the breeze.] Tom: [V.O.] Yes, it's "The Return of the Return of the Lawndale Militia!" Featuring songs such as "The Real Slim Shady" by Emenem. Mike: [V.O.] "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford. Tom: [V.O.] "Pedro and the Snow Dog" by Rush. Mike: [V.O.] "It's Halloween" by The Shags Tom: [V.O.] "Run for the Roses" by Dan Fogelberg. Mike: [V.O.] "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Loc. Tom: [V.O.] "Sixteen Tons" by Tennessee Ernie Ford. Mike: [V.O.] "Bad is Bad" by Huey Lewis and the News. Tom: [V.O.] "Minimum Wage" by They Might Be Giants . Mike: [V.O.] "Go Away Little Girl" by Donny Osmond Tom: [V.O.] And Limp Biskut performing their cover of "How Deep is Your Love." Mike: [V.O.] "The Return of the Return of the Return of the Lawndale Militia!" Coming soon! [The lights return. Mike leans towards Cambot.] Mike: So, whaddya think, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl's not amused.] Pearl: Hilarious, Mike. I hope you find it as funny when you start that David Lynch/ Ed Wood film fest. Why, I might just toss in that "Marrissa boinks Wesley" story I haven't sent you yet! Why...! Voice: [V.O.] Excuse me? [Ricky Martin enters, from stage left.] Ricky: Hi! I heard there was a club around here. Do you mind if I play a set? Pearl: Ricky? [to the camera] We'll talk later, Mike. [to Ricky] A club? Well, there's Club Love... [Ricky raises an eyebrow, before the scene shifts back to the SoL.] [SoL] Mike: Huh. Crow: I never expected Ricky Martin to save us from a fate worse than death. Tom: Holy mackerel! Mike: Tom. Tom: I'm sure we'll be herring more from Pearl. Mike: Tom, I've asked you to stop... [The phone once again rings. The trio looks at each other for a moment before Mike shrugs.] Mike: Crow? Can you finish crewing Tom out? Crow: Sure thing! Look, Tom! Monks! Tom: AHHHHH!!!!! [Tom rushes offscreen. Crow follows, chuckling. Mike picks up the phone] Mike: Yes? [slumping] Oh, hello Mr. Nader. Yes, I know that we really didn't mention you in the story tonight. Yes, I know that you gained 462 votes in the last vote recount. Yes, you're within striking distance now. [Sigh.] Only 75,000,000 votes to go. [Mike places his hand on the mouthpiece.] Mike: Good night, folks. [Mike hits the button and the picture vanishes with a \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Mike: [V.O.] No sir. I didn't know that buttons were unsafe at any speed. [Sighs] ----------------------------------------------------------- "The Return of the Lawndale Militia" was originally written by Peter W. Guerin Misted by: Alex Gariepy, Bill Livingston, Brendan Herlihy, Antaeus Feldspar, Matt Blackwell, Rebo Valance With Assistance by Abigail Springman Featuring Mike Nelson as Mike Kevin Murphy as Tom and Professor Bobo Bill Corbett as Crow and The Observer Patrick "Pantleg" Brantseg as Gypsy Mary Jo Pehl as Pearl Forrester And special guest appearances by: Doc Thinker, Brad Pitt, John Constantine And Ricky Martin as himself "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon" characters and properties are trademarks of and (c) Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC Enterprises LP/Seagull Entertainment, Inc./Program Exchange. All Rights Reserved. "Daria" and all related characters and situations are trademarks and (c) of MTV Networks and Viacom. Daria created by Glenn Eichler. All rights reserved. Now, just try and guess when it's on this week. All "Gunsmith Cats" and properties are trademarks of and (c) 1995, 1997, 1998 Kenichi Sonada/Kodansha/VAP/TBS/A. D. Vision. All Rights Reserved. All "Riding Bean" and properties are trademarks of and (c) 1989, 1993, 1998 Youmex, Inc./AnimEigo, Inc. Or maybe they're Rowan Atkinson's. Who knows? All Rights Reserved. All "Here is Greenwood" and properties are trademarks of and (c) 1991, 1992, 1996,1998 Yukie Nasu/Hakusensha/ Victor Entertainment,Inc./Pierrot Project/Software Sculptors, Ltd; a division of Central Park Media Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Beware the Great Kazoo! John Constantine and Batman are the trademarks and (c) of DC Comics and AOL-Time Warner Communications. All rights reserved. Darth Maul is the trademark and (c) of George Lucas. All rights reserved. Some late breaking election news: Vote counters in Broward County have found a shoebox filled with a previously uncounted 40,000,000 votes, thereby making Reform Party candidate Duke the winner of Florida's electoral votes. Congrats, Duke! "Real Ghostbusters" -is trademark of and (c) Columbia Pictures Television & DiC Entertainment. All rights reserved. "Iron Chef" - Is the trademark of and (c) Fuji Television Network, Inc. All rights reserved. Now, get some eels and start cooking! "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Watch for "Cliparts: The Movie" coming soon. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Although portrayals of certain politicians may or may not be accurate depending on where they're campaigning that day. The following songs are copyright their respective composers and lyricists: "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" - Rupert Holmes. (c) Holmes Settlement Music/WB Music Corp. "Livin' La Vida Loca" - Robi Rosa, Luis Gomez Escolar, Desmond Child, (c) A Phantom Vox Corp, Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Co "Shake Your Bon Bon" - Robi Rosa, George R. Noriega, John Charles Barrett, (c) Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Co "She Bangs" - Walter Afanasieff, Desmond Child, Robi Rosa, (c) A Phantom Vox Corp, Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Co "Bohemian Like You" - Courtney A. Taylor, (c) Dandy Warhol Music. All rights reserved. "Head Like a Hole" - Trent Reznor, (c) TVT MUSIC II "Right Now" by SR-71, Mitch Allan & Butch Walker, (c) 2000 Matzoh-Ball Music/Scorpiorock Tunes / Warner-Chappell / Fi Hi Music "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie, (c) EMI MUSIC PUBLISHING INC (ASCAP) "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)"- Brian Holland Keith, (c) Underacheiver Music Incidental mentions of various situations and song lyrics should not be taken as challenges to any legal copyrights and trademarks. Whew. We're disclaiming the hell out of this misting, aren't we? Comments and complaints can be sent to mblackwl@ix.netcom.com To join the fast paced world of misting, just head on over to http://pinky.masemware.com/mst3k/users.shtml and create an account, then fill in some boxes and click the "subscribe to the dibs list" box. Ta-da! You're in! Then find some Rugrats fanfics and go to it! Molsons! The beer of Canada! [KA-CHING!] And, for those of you keeping track at home, the answer to Crow's question in Chapter 3 was ten. Daria! Beavis! Quinn! Butthead! Corey! Sandi! Zack de La Rocha! And the evil of Todd! All coming soon! Keep circulating the posts. Twaaaaang. 1/12/01 ----------------------------------------------------------- > --Railroader Peter (who knows for a >fact that Shaun Cassidy's family has Long Island Railroad >blood in their veins, and his great-grandfather worked for >them as well). -----------------------------------------------------------