Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle" Written by Peter W. Guerin Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale, Brendan Herhilhy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers, Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria [Season 10 Opening Sequence] [It's dark on the Satellite of Love. Really Dark. Suddenly, a light shines up from the bottom of the screen, illuminating from beneath the head of Gypsy, a large purple robot with a high pitched, feminine voice.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. In the year three thou-sand! o/~ [Cambot pans away from Gypsy and towards what apparently is the center of the bridge. A pair of lights shine up from the darkness, lighting the faces of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot from underneath. Cambot pans in for a close-up of Crow T. Robot, a gold, spider-ducky looking robot.] Crow: Computers will be so small that thousands will fit in a teaspoon. They will be used to perk up the flavor of soup. [Cambot pans back to Gypsy, and pans across her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ [The view shifts to show Tom Servo, a short, red robot who resembles a gumball machine.] Tom: Jesus will return to Earth and lead an army of Good against the forces of evil. On the cover of Time magazine that week: Jewel. [Cambot shifts back to Gypsy, once again panning by her as she sings.] Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: In a frank and wide-ranging interview on Oprah, the Ebola virus will reveal that it, too, was trying to impress Jodie Foster. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Everyone on Earth will become flesh-eating zombies. When the flesh is all gone, they will be dirt-eating zombies. When the dirt is gone, some will reluctantly go to "The Olive Garden." Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Canada and the United States will unite into one country called "Mexico Sucks!" Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Baby seals will no longer be hunted for their fur. They'll be hunted for revenge. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Women will admit that the whole "different from men" thing was a big hoax to get free meals and drinks. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand. o/~ Tom: Scientists will dissect Kathie Lee Gifford. Despite her horrible screams. Gypsy: o/~ In the year three thou-sand! o/~ Crow: Boutros Boutros-Gha... [Suddenly, the Bridge becomes completely lit. Cambot pans back to reveal Mike Nelson, a thirties-ish, brown haired male wearing a jumpsuit, standing by a light switch.] Mike: What do you two think that you're doing? Crow: [quietly] Our "In the Year 3000" sketch. Mike: Guys, we're going to get sued. Tom: Nuh-uh. We've changed enough of the content to keep us lawsuit free! Mike: How? Tom: [quietly] Well, ours is the year 3000 instead of 2000. Mike: Get it all out of here. Now. [to the screen] We'll be right back. [Commercials] [The Bridge is back to its usual state. Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: All right. So are you two done? No top ten lists planned? No Pimpbots on the way? No stupid nanite tricks? Tom: Well, we did install the Dancing Waters (TM). [At the mention of the name, streams of water shoot up from the bottom of the screen in front of the console.] Mike: [mumbling] Those lawyers are going to eat us alive... Crow: Mike, we're in space. They can't even get close to us. Mike: They're like cockroaches! They can survive everywhere! Even now, as we speak, a rocket full of lawyers is undoubtedly heading towards us... [The multi-colored lights on the command console that indicate a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. The Dancing Waters (TM) reflect the light quite nicely.] Mike: We better see what Regis, Kathie Lee and Cody want. [Mike taps the light, and the scene shifts to...] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl Forrester, evil mad scientist and owner of Castle Forrester stands in the foreground. Behind her stands The Observer, a pale humanoid alien wearing a cloak and holding a brain in a small dish.] Pearl: Well, Mike. I hope you're ready, because today's the day. [SoL] [Mike stands confused for a moment, the realization dawns on his face.] Mike: Oh, that's right. [He turns to Tom.] Tom, you're starting your production of "Servoes on Ice" today, right? Tom: You betcha, Mike. [Behind Tom, a throng of additional Toms appear, each wearing a stocking cap and each with a pair of ice skates hung over one shoulder.] Tom: Why it's going to be the most ambitious ice performance ever! We're going to do a performance of "A Tale of Two Cities" that will knock your socks off! Mike: I've got some extra tickets if you need 'em, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] [Pearl and Observer both look a bit confused. Pearl then shakes her head and begins to speak again.] Pearl: Er, no. Not Tom's little ice thingee. This, Mike, is the day I've long waited for: the day where I crush you utterly and totally. From this day on, you will be nothing more than a memory. Right now, we are in negotiations with the author of this work and... [Bobo enters, talking into a cordless phone.] Bobo: ...yes, yes. That'll be no problem at all. Yes, we'll be happy to. So, it's a go then? Good. [Bobo gives Pearl a thumbs up.] Well, we thank you for the opportunity to use... well, sure. I guess I can hear a bit more about your story. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I didn't know that. Really? Uh-huh. [Bobo continues to talk in the background as Pearl speaks.] Pearl: There you go, Mike. The sound of your imminent doom. Your story today is a charming crossover between Sailor Moon and MTV's Daria called "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle." And if it seems like it goes on forever, it's probably because it does. Oh, and did I mention that it's a technothriller too? [She grins evilly.] Enjoy your last hours, Mike. [SoL] Crow: Uh-oh. Tom: This sounds bad. Mike: Come on, guys! We've taken everything that Pearl has thrown at us and more! This can't be as bad as "Werewolf". Or "Hobgoblins". Or "Timespeeder" even! Bots: AHHHHHHH!!!!! Mike: Sorry. I forgot about how you guys react to that one. But if we face this one together, it'll be a snap! Besides, it can't possible be as bad as Pearl's making it out to be. Crow: [nervously] Yeah, I guess you're right. Tom: [nervously] Sure, how bad could it possibly be? [The lights signaling the arrival of a new story begin to flash.] Mike: See! That's the spirit! Now, let's get in there and get cracking! 'Cause we've got Misery Sign! [Mike cheerfully hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters the theater and take their usual places.] Tom: Gee, Mike. You seem exceptionally chipper today. Mike: Well, you know. It's really nice out today. I figure we can knock this one off early and get outside. Maybe head down to the park. Get in a game or something. Crow: Oh. Mike: By the way, which one of you was Conan and which was Andy? Tom: We've sworn ourselves to silence Mike, divulging the truth- Crow: I was Conan. Tom: Grrrrr...... > > >THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE Crow: Misery and debacle are probably going to be good ways to explain this one. >A Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan Fiction Story [Long, long pause] Tom: Misspelling the name, in the title. You can just feel that optimism drain from your body like sweat on a hot day. You're going to pay for this one, Mike. Mike: Sorry. Crow: Mike? Mike: Yes, Crow? Crow: Could I possibly trouble you to melt me down into a large brick of molybdenum and throw me violently at the screen? Mike: Just as soon as I finish twisting my own head off. Crow: That's okay, take your time. >By >Peter W. Guerin >(Mr. Guerin can be contacted at DocForbin@Hotmail.com) > Crow: And, if you're lucky, he can also be contacted by walking around outside and yelling "PETER!" > >With apologies to Naoko Takeuchi and Glenn Eichler. Mike: Readers? Well, you're on your own. > >AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER > >None of this ever happened. Tom: Thankfully. Crow: Not even in another dimension or something? Mike: Hey, you heard the man. > However, for those of you keeping >score at home, Mike: ...I'm talking to you, Richard... > the events roughly (and I mean roughly) [Crow snickers] > follow the >events depicted in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon Sailor Stars", Tom: A delicious part of this nutritious breakfast! Mike: It also depicts secrets told to me by the magic talking Mr. Potato Head I got in my McDonald's "Toy Story 2" Happy Meal. >which was the fifth and final season of the original Japanese >series. Tom: The series was cancelled due to the fact no one could pronounce the name. > Further, the original Japanese civilian identities of >the Sailor Senshi are used, Mike: Hey, you should change those to protect the innocent! Oh wait, it's anime. There are no innocents. Carry on! > in Oriental order (i.e. family name >first) as well as all other Japanese characters depicted in this >story. Crow: I'll also be following the Japanese tradition of writing from right to left. ?siht ekil naem ouY: moT Mike: Ack! How do you *DO* that? > >Almost all aircraft depicted in this story have been checked with >the publication "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" Mike: Who knew there really *was* a hot-air balloon made of iguana bladders? >(Pittsburgh: International Masters Publishers, 1996-present; >series of factsheets published every three weeks). Mike: Every three weeks another factsheet will be rushed to your door, full of the latest in aircraft cupholder technology. > The sole >exception is the Mitsubishi Neo-Zero, which is a complete >creation of the author. > Crow: Although those weasels at the patent office refuse to give me due credit for my brilliance. Mike: [Patent guy] Look! I don't think that you can patent a rubber band powered airplane, okay? >All "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon" and related characters are (C) >1992,1998 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation Co., Ltd./DIC >Enterprises LP. All "Daria" and related characters are (C) 1993, >1997, 1998 MTV Networks. Tom: Who surprisingly took time from their busy schedule of "Spring Break 1996" reruns and "Road Rules" marathons for something else! Crow: Note to MTV - prepare to turn in the "M", guys! > All Rights Reserved. All other >characters depicted are my creation. Tom: What about us? Mike: We're his creation too. Crow: Do you think he'll give us a raise then? > So there. > Crow: [dude] We are *so* there, man. > >SONG CREDITS Crow: Buckle down guys, this is gonna be rough. > >"Morning Has Broken": Traditional lyrics by Elinor Ferjoen. [Silence] Mike: Well, there's a song I never expected to see in a fanfic based on an MTV show... >Musical arrangement by Cat Stevens. (C) 1972 Cat Stevens. Tom: o/~ I'm being followed by a big Muslim. Biiig Muslim, big Muslim. o/~ >Appearing on his album "Teaser and the Firecat" Mike & Tom: o/~ With long tails, and ears for hats! o/~ > on A&M CD's and >cassettes. > Crow: Available at Musicland and WaxTrax! >"Ty Cobb": lyrics by Chris Cornell; Crow: He's on a hunt for the mystic Sampo! > music by Ben Shepherd. (C) >1996 You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP)/Stupidditties (ASCAP). Mike: You know, there is such a thing as being too creative. Tom: Hard to argue, there. >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Down on >the Upside" on A&M CD's and cassettes. Mike: Oh, you need one of those Greenday Houses. You know, where you grow those Poseys or Hothouse Flowers? > >"Black Hole Sun": lyrics and music by Chris Cornell. (C) 1994 >You Make Me Sick I Make Music (ASCAP). Tom: Winner of the "Most Unsettling Video" award 5 years running. > All Rights Reserved. Crow: All rights? What about the right to fling it off an overpass at speeding cars? Mike: Reserved that too. Can't be too careful. >Appearing on the Soundgarden album "Superunknown" on A&M CD's and >cassettes.. > Mike: [Minnewegian] Ellen says that Tommy, that's her son - Crow: [Ditto] Ya. Mike: Tommy listens to that Mudgarden everyday. >"Monk Time" , "I Hate You" and "Complication": written by Gary >Burger, Larry Clark, Dave Day, Roger Johnston and Eddie Shaw. Tom: Yeah, you can tell the screenplay's in trouble when there's that many names on it. Crow: I'm surprised Lawrence Kasdan didn't put in his two cents. >(C) 1965 Monk Time Publishing (BMI); administered by Bug Music. Mike: Hey, that's what drove the Hatrocks away from the Flintstones' neighborhood! Tom: [bug music] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Crow: Yeahyeahyeah! >All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the Monks album "Black Monk >Time" on Infinite Zero Archive CD's. Distributed by American >Recordings. > Mike: Monk CDs and Monk cassettes available at finer Monk stores everywhere. Tom: So is this a fanfic, or a jukebox, or a legal contract, or what? Crow: I'm pulling for "what", but... >"Kimigayo": Tom: Daylight come and me wanna go home. > Words selected from the seventh volume of "Kokinshu" >dating from AD 9th Century; English translation by Sakuzo Takada; >Music by Hiromori Hayashi. > Mike: Get the feelin' someone doesn't wanna get sued? Bots: Noooooo...... >"Tusk": Mike: o/~ Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west, o/~ All: o/~ We will, we will, rock you! o/~ TUSK! Tom: o/~ So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go. o/~ Crow: o/~ Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town! o/~ All: TUSK! Mike: o/~ High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo! o/~ Tom: o/~ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane! o/~ All: TUSK! Crow: o/~ Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! o/~ Mike: o/~ I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key! o/~ All: TUSK! Tom: o/~ Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep, o/~ Crow: o/~ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon! o/~ Mike: o/~ In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, o/~ Tom: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble, o/~ Crow: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey, o/~ Mike: o/~ We were merely freshmen! o/~ All: o/~ Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! o/~ TUSK! Mike: Ah. I love that bit. > Lyrics and music by Lindsey Buckingham. (C) 1979 New >Sounds Music (ASCAP). Mike: Actually, at this point, calling Fleetwood Mac music "new" seems a bit futile. > All Rights Reserved. Appearing on the >Fleetwood Mac album "Tusk" on Warner Bros. CD's and cassettes. > Crow: And strangely enough, the soundtrack to "Amadeus"! >AUTHOR'S DEDICATION > Tom: *OH WILL YOU JUST START THE BLASTED STORY ALREADY?!* >This story is dedicated to my mother's favorite author, Tom >Clancy. Tom: [Peter] I love her, even though she tried to legally change my name to "Soviet Second Tank Division." > This story may be a bit evocative of his style, so >please bear with me. > Crow: A bit meaning, nothing like Tom Clancy. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Sky Pilot!/Sky Pilot!/ Mike: Earth to Sky Pilot, come in Sky Pilot! > How high can you fly?/You'll never, never, >never reach the sky!" > Tom: Icarus would later regret trying to answer the song's question. >--Eric Burden, The Animals, "Sky Pilot" > >"War!/Good God, you all!/What's it any good for?/Absolutely >nothing!/Say it again!" > Tom: War?? Mike: You forgot the "Huh!" before the "Good God, y'all!" >--Edwin Starr, Edwin Starr's Rising Starr, "War" > Crow: Copyright Starr Music Publishing, distributed by Starr Recordings Tom: Starr CDs and Starr cassettes available at finer Starr stores everywhere. All: Starr! >"Though force can protect in an emergency, only justice, >fairness, consideration and cooperation can finally lead men to >the dawn of eternal peace." > Mike: "It's either that, or a group of sailor suited heroines..." >--Dwight David Eisenhower, General, U. S. Army, Tom: For those of you who fell asleep and missed WWII! > later President >of the United States > Crow: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" --Bill Clinton, even later President of the United States Mike: "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Walt Kelly, "Pogo" Tom: "This is so offensive on so many levels." - Joel Robinson, SOL >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 1: Ebon Genesis Sweet Adeline > Tom: Black Beginning Saccharine Clementime! Crow: Onyx Commencement Pleasant Yolanda! Mike: Uh, uh...Ivory Revelations Sour...Sour...pass, pass! >A huge crowd had gathered in the mass meeting room of Sumito >Heavy Industries Crow: I guess Sumo would be a ... heavy industry. Mike: Watch it! > for what was expected to be a brief pep rally >before the start of the day's business. Tom: And here comes the corporate cheerleading squad now! Crow: Yes, the world of modern business is just like high school! > All were clad in the >same blue suits typical of Japanese businessmen in Shinjuku, the >business district of Tokyo. Mike: Though what the stilettos and fishnet stockings were about was anyone's guess. > At one end was a platform were the >top executives of the company were seated as well as a podium for >speaking. Mike: What? Tom: During meetings, Japanese executives lose face if they sit worse than a podium. Mike: Huh? Tom: Just accept it and move on, Mikey. > However, it was the banner affixed to the wall that >was unusual: a brown octopus on a white disc on a red field. Tom: It's Hydra! Crow: Baron Zucker is now a big wheel on the lecture circuit. > >At once, everyone's attention was focused on the podium as one of >the persons on the platform rose to speak. Tom: [speaker] Hello, I'd like to tell you about a group of girls, who I know very well.... > However, this was not >one of the executives; she was an "OL", or office lady. Mike: Oh, a secretary. Tom: Executive Assistant! Mike: Sorry. > But no >other "OL" like her existed in Japan. Mike: o/~ 'Cause she's a small wonder! A.. o/~ Tom: No. This is not a crossover with that. > Yoriko was tall and >statuesque, and was well-proportioned with ample bust, slender >hips, long legs and short, black hair. Tom: Rrrrowr! I like where this is going! Crow: The part of Yoriko will be played by Bettie Page. > Banging the gavel, she >called the meeting to order. > Tom: Now, what are we going to do about that new sheriff? The chair recognizes Howard Johnson. >"I know that we have much work to do, Crow: [Yoriko] So, let's talk about our progress towards ISO 9001 compliance... > so I will keep this brief," >said Amazana Yoriko. "I have glorious news that will gladden the >hearts of everyone in our organization. Tom: They're bringing back the McRib! [All cheer] > We think the Neo-Zero >prototype will be ready for its first test flight by month's end. Mike: The Neo-Zero? That's that company that does those fighting games, right? >Ryu, our intelligence officer, will explain." > Crow: R yu, experienced? Has he ever been experienced? Mike: Not necessarily stoned, mind you. >The podium was yielded to Chang Ryu, Tom: Ryu had the right of way. > a man of unusually handsome >qualities due to his mixed Chinese-Korean-Japanese ancestry. Crow: He's invaded himself from both ends! > He >was about six and a half feet tall with brown hair. Mike: Apparently, Ryu also has some Hill Giant in him too. Tom: Or Richard Kiel. > Ryu was a >master of many martial arts disciplines, holding black belts in >judo, tae kwan do, kung fu, karate, and kendo, or Japanese >fencing. Crow: As well as being a master of kiss-kwan-do. Tom: Huh. Betcha he still can't do a Windsor knot. > Only a few months ago he resigned as a priest of the >legendary Shaolin Temple to be involved in what Sumito termed >"Project Iron Fist." > Mike: It was a project to make a new type of soft soap. >Ryu started to speak in his clear, enthusiastic voice: > Tom: [Ryu] Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen. >"I've been checking the progress of the prototype, and most >ground tests have been completed. Crow: [Ryu] But since it's supposed to fly we'll just ignore that part. > It is expected that the >prototype will be fitted with a full compliment of Sidewinder >missiles for target practice; Tom: Let's hope they don't lock onto any Iraqi fighter jets. Crow: Or Scottish groundskeepers either. > once they are loaded, we will >launch our plan to hijack the prototype and start our attack on >Tokyo. Mike: [Ryu] After all, Japan will surely surrender after being strafed by one plane. Crow: They must have developed this plan in France. > Once we have the civilian government in submission, the >New Imperial Rule Assistance Association will embark on a new era >for Japan, Tom: A Funk-a-riffic DISCO era! With leisure suits and afros for everyone! > and once again we will earn the respect of the world. Crow: [Ryu] Our single plane will pound into submission all countries who refuse to respect us! And if that doesn't work, we'll go up to their leaders and start kickin' major shin! >All hail to our leader, Amazana Yoriko. BANZAI!" > Crow: The Hong Kong Cavaliers looked around, couldn't find their leader, and then went back to their poker game. Tom: Perhaps he's still fighting the World Crime League. >After five shouts of "BANZAI!", the meeting adjourned. Yoriko >went back to her office, where Dr. Helmut Vander Helffen was >awaiting her; Tom: Chief Researcher in Charge of Mid-European Mad Scientist Stereotypes. > he looked middle-aged with black hair and >spectacles; he was wearing a brown double-breasted suit. > Tom: Wow. Lots of breast references so far. Crow: The author must have a thing for 'em. Mike: [muttering] Look who's talking. >"It's time for your next pill," was all he said. Mike: Oh dear. Placebo addicts. I've seen this before. Crow: And it ain't pretty. Tom: Come on, guys. Dr. Header Van Damme is obviously providing us with ominous foreshadowing. Mike & Crow: Ohhhhh. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Tsukino Ikuko was doing what she usually did every morning: Mike: Preparing a healthy breakfast and trying to take over the world! Crow: I got my bookcase at Ikukos. Mike: You're thinking of Ikea. Crow: Oh. >trying to get her oldest daughter Usagi out of bed: > >"Usagi, you lazy bastard! Tom: [Usagi] What, you pathetic dickweed? Mike: Ah, the joys of a mother's love. Crow: Um? Bastard? > Get out of bed now!" > >Luna, Usagi's pet cat, was jolted out of her sleep by Ikuko's >yelling. She hissed and scratched Usagi's nose. > Mike: Why? Cuz she felt like it, that's why! >"OW!", shrieked Usagi. > >"Usagi! Crow: Yojimbo! > It's time to get up for school!," began Luna. "You are >so lazy it's pathetic!" > Mike: Hence, the previous lazy bastard comment. Crow: Bastard? Mike: Just accept it, Crow. It's probably going to get a lot worse. >"I already have Mom on my case, Luna," shrieked Usagi; "I don't >need to hear it from you as well!" > Crow: [Usagi] Damn talking alien cats. Always on my case. She's a jerk, right Mr. Clock? Tom: [Mr. Clock] Right-o, Usagi! >With a deft movement, Usagi took off her pajamas and raced to her >closet--wearing nothing but her panties-- Crow: -as a hat- > to grab a bra. She >began to pack up her briefcase. > Crow: You know, nothing gets those creative juices flowing better than a good ol' "tribute." >"You know, I think that peeping Tom from across the street is >looking at you again!", chuckled Luna. > Mike: [sternly] Servo... Tom: It wasn't me! I have the internet for that sort of thing. >Usagi shrieked and drew down the curtains. > Mike: [Usagi] That's just for me, my doctor, and the future Mr. Ricky Martin Ikuko! >"Luna, you really get on my nerves at times," yelled Usagi at >Luna. > Mike: This is Luna's revenge for her not getting Luna that new "Fresh Step" kitty litter. >Luna replied, "Hey, I deserve a good laugh once in a while!" > Crow: Oh, that was supposed to be funny! [All laugh uncomfortably for a few seconds.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Kenji, Ikuko's husband, and their son, Shingo, were already at >the breakfast table. Tom: [Shingo, sarcastic] So what's for breakfast? Oh, high expectations and repressed emotion, how different. > Kenji was reading the "Yorimuri Shimbun" >when he noticed an interesting article. > Mike: [Kenji] Ten Easy Questions to find out if Your Daughter is a Sailor Senshi? Hmmmm....... >"Hey, what about those Giants!," he exclaimed; "one more win and >they clinch the Japan Series!" > Crow: [Shingo] Hopefully, that jerk Steinbrenner Hidako won't break up the team afterwards. >"Wonderful, dear," was all his wife said rather abstractly. > Mike: Parents should engage a child's interests, to more effectively crush them. >"Man, Usagi's gonna get it big time from Ms. Sakurada if she's >late again," Shingo proclaimed. > Tom: IfyaknowwhatImean! >As if to confirm that remark, Usagi ran downstairs, clad in her >seifuku, gulped down a glass of milk, Mike: Got high-speed milk? > wolfed down a piece of >toast, and dashed out the door like the devil before anyone >noticed. Crow: Yup, that's pretty fast alright. > She was several steps down the road when a car horn >blared, and a familiar red car pulled up besides her. > Mike: [Usagi] Sigh. Hi Starsky. Hi Hutch. Tom: [Starsky] Hi Usagi! You need a lift to school today? Mike: [Usagi] No thanks. Crow: [Hutch] Quick! There's a drug deal going down on 5th ! Tom: [Starsky] Let's roll! >"Usagi! Get in! It's the only way you'll make it on time for >your first class!," a voice shouted to her. > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, thank you Magic Voice! >Usagi knew that voice rather well. Crow: It was Barry White. > It was her boyfriend, Chiba >Mamoru. Tom: The sky over his head was like a TV tuned to a dead channel. > As Usagi got in, she noticed two other persons in the >car: Mike: Christopher Lloyd and Mary Stewart Masterson? Crow: Rockford and Angel? Tom: Mistretta and Galano? > her friend Mizuno Ami, the smartest student in class, and >Chiba-Usa, Usagi and Mamoru's daughter from the future. Crow: Uh-huh. So the kid's named after both of them. I'm doubly revolted. Tom: Another reason to be glad Mo Gaffney and Ron Howard never mated. > Chiba- >Usa had spent the night at Ami's house. > Tom: After all, there's nothing teenage girls like more than to have a sleepover with a five year old. Mike: I feel like this fanfic should have come with a flowchart. >"Running late again, I see," Chiba-Usa said in her holier-than- >thou attitude. > Mike: [Usagi] Just because you made Pope at 13 is no reason to get all holier than thou, young future lady! >"Put a sock in it, Chiba-Usa!", replied Usagi. > Crow: [Usagi] If you don't shape up, I'll send you to bed without supper in the future! >"Usagi, you should really get up earlier," Ami started. "It's >part of doing well in school." > Mike: Except in college. >"Ami's got a point there, Usako," Mamoru added. "Your grades >aren't that great. With the big exams coming up, you've got to >do better." > Tom: You are WORTHLESS and BAD, Sailor Moon! SHAME! Mike: Yeah, thanks MOM. Crow: Sheesh, now I know this is Sailor Moon. >Usagi groaned. > >"Speaking of tests," Ami said, "I figure you'd be the first ones >to learn about some exciting news I got yesterday." > >"What?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Ami] The rabbit died! Mike: [Mamoru] What? Usgai's dead? Tom: [Usagi] But I'm right here! Crow: [Ami] Oh, skip it. >"I found out that I've been accepted for my pre-med studies in >Germany," gushed Ami; Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Germany: World leader in turning giggling Japanese girls into doctors. > "At long last, I can begin my studies to >become a pediatrician like my mother! I leave in four days." > Tom: [Ami] I'll finally be free! Free I tell you, free! >Usagi was at first speechless. > Crow: This is now my favorite part of the whole story! >"Congratulations!," Mamoru said. "I know that you've been >looking forward to this for a long time." > >"But what about the Sailor Senshi?," Usagi said as she recovered >from the shock of the announcement. "You're the brains of the >team!" > Mike: That's just how bad the situation is, folks! >"Not to worry, Usagi," Ami began. "I've got that covered. Luna >and Artemis have been working on transferring my powers to >another person. Crow: So cats have the power of attorney in Japan? Mike: This explains a lot. > The Sailor Senshi will still be at full strength >while I'm gone." > >"Who do you have in mind?," Chibi-Usa asked. > Tom: [Ami] Emilio Estevez. He'll look good in a fuku. Crow: [mumbling] I always get in trouble for saying things like 'fuku'... >"Let's just say that she's as intelligent as I am," Ami teased. > Tom: So... A vole? A lamp post? A sea cucumber? What? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The calls to prayer wafted in the air in Beirut. Crow: Wow, this fanfic must have one heck of a travel budget! > In a >nondescript building, however, there was something sinister >afoot. Mike: It's a Fox Network programming meeting! All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! > The local branch of Islamic Jihad [All snicker.] Tom: "The local branch"? They franchise terrorists now? Crow: They're the Dunkin' Donuts of fundamentalism. > was meeting to >formulate their next terrorist attack. > Crow: So, it's decided then. Our next target is the Wetzel's Pretzels at Westboro Mall. Mike & Tom: Agreed. >The Imam Al-Kabaz, the leader of the branch, Tom: Lord of the root, God of the leaves... > was clad in a black >robe and had a long black beard. He arose to speak. > Mike: [Irish] Well, begum and begorrah! If it tisn't a glorious day to be in the IRA! [stops] Wait, this isn't 54 Pine Street! > "It is time to strike fear into the heart of the Great Satan!" Tom: Herzog? >he began; "In four days will be the great football game between >Highland and Lawndale High Schools. Tom: Army vs. Navy. USC vs. UCLA. Harvard vs. Yale. Lawndale vs. Highland. Crow: It just doesn't have the same ring, does it? > We will seize control of the >JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin, divert it to Lawndale and blow >up a nuclear device as the plane flies over the football field." Mike: Oh lord. Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, the stupidest terrorists in history. >The Imam turned to Akbar el-Salaam, a grungy Palestinian in >combat fatigues, Crow: Well, here we are now - entertain us. Tom: "Akbar el-Salaam" is Arabic for "Oscar Madison". > and said, "Brother Akbar, it is Allah's will >that you carry out this mission. Mike: [Imam] You will open a Tofu Hut with your lover Jeff. But beware the one-eared bunny! > You will leave on the next >flight to Tokyo in about an hour. ALLAH AKBAR!" > All: We pledge ourselves to Big Fire! >The cries of "ALLAH AKBAR!" were repeated twenty times running. > Crow: Ironically, Akbar's flight gets hijacked by terrorists. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: [pointing] Who's line is that, anyway? >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >He can still remember it all like it was just yesterday. Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake and there was not another car in sight... o/~ Mike: Tom? Can we skip the Meatloaf for this misting? Please? Tom: I'll try. But we've got a long road ahead of us. > It was >one of those memories you can't really shake off. > Crow: Oh. Deja glue! [Mike and Tom shake their heads and groan.] >He was on patrol in the Sea of Japan, off the coast of Sakhalin >Island. He was squadron leader for a flight of five F-4EJ >Phantom II jet fighters for the Japan Air Self Defense Force. Mike: Here's the brave World War One Flying Ace in his Sopwith camel, scouring the hillsides of Normandy for a sign of the plot. >The Phantom jets were showing their age but were still a reliable >part of the force. Mike: They had flown from their Skull Mountain base to meet with Diana. > So far, it had been a pretty routine patrol. Crow: And those ideas are related how? >Suddenly, one of the pilots radioed him: > >"Maverick to Dragon, I've picked up something on the radar. It >looks like a Soviet Su-17." Crow: o/~ Su, Su-Seventeen! Just say the word! o/~ > Dragon was the squadron leader's >code name. > Mike: Well, officially. Behind his back, he was "Nancy Boy". >"Roger, Maverick," responded the squadron leader; "let's take a >look. Tom: We need one of those for the living room, over. > As long as they're on their side of the border, we >shouldn't expect any hostilities." > Mike: [Dragon] But knowing those damn Commies.... >"Roger, Dragon.", replied the first pilot. > Mike: Roger Dragon? The DC martial artist from the 1970s? Crow: Maybe his wingmen are Prez and Kamandi. >The squadron approached the location of the Su-17. However, it >turned out that this was no ordinary patrol. Crow: This patrol had the refreshing scent of lemon, for military readiness that's fresh as a country breeze! > A Korean Airlines >747 had somehow entered Soviet airspace. Crow: A Korean plane in Soviet space in the Sea of Japan? > An international >incident was in the making. > Tom: OK, maybe those that don't know history are doomed to repeat it. But at least they don't *haphazardly slap it into their little crossover!* >"Dragon to Ginzu, Mike: [Dragon] If I order before midnight tonight, will I still get the matching peeler/slicer, over? > find out what the Hell's going on here!," said >the squadron leader to another pilot. > Tom: Then he remembered to use the radio..... >The second pilot replied, "Ginzu to Dragon, I've got them fixed >on radar. I do know some Russian. Crow: [Ginzu] They're saying, "Blip... blip... blip...". Mike: [Dragon] That's the *radar* you clod! > The MiG's issuing a warning >to the KAL craft to clear out of Soviet space. Crow: No! They're gonna shoot down Baby Superman's rocket! > He's threatening >to fire." > Tom: Cal really shouldn't have taken his jet for a joyride over Russia. >Was it time to take action? Crow: Yes, do something already! > Every member of the SDF had been >instructed from day one that Article 9 of the Constitution >clearly stated that Japan was not to wage war. Mike: Really? Then why hasn't someone conquered them yet? Tom: They have to battle their way past Trixie and Chim-Chim first. Crow: Yeah, that monkey has beaten off three invasions from North Korea all by himself. > But now everyone >in the squad faced a dilemma: Do nothing and see hundreds >perish, or attack and risk international condemnation if they >were wrong? > Crow: Or, you could turn tail and run. >"Ginzu," the squadron leader ordered, "inform the MiG pilot that >if he fires weapons, our government will file a protest with the >United Nations." > Tom: After that, they might write a strongly worded letter to the Leningrad Times. >Tense moments passed. > Mike: Would Lenniger defeat the horrid ants? >"Dragon, he's ignoring me," Crow: So are the readers. > was the second pilot's reply. > >The next thing everyone saw was that the Su-17 fired an air-to- >air missile, blowing the KAL plane out of existence! > Tom: Except for all the flaming debris of course. Mike: [Dragon] Okay, buddy, you asked for it! Squadron ready annnd - WAG FINGERS IN DISAPPROVAL!!! >"This is Dragon to all units! Mike: [Dragon] Did anyone get the license plate?! > Return to base!," sharply ordered >the squadron leader. "We don't want to risk a dogfight with the >Su-17!" > Crow: [Dragon] We only outnumber him five to one! He'll surely kill us all! >Clearly as much as everyone wanted to avenge what they had just >seen, Crow: [wartime newsreel voice] Japan: Staunch defender of Korean civilian aircraft! > Article 9 was to be honored at all times. > Mike: Well then why even bother with the jet fighters? They're better off hang-gliding! Tom: Why the heck did Japan agree to that anyway? Crow: They lost a bet. If they had won, everyone in Sweden would be wearing sombreros right now. >When they had landed back at the base, news had already reached >everyone about what happened. An airman approached the squad >leader and handed him a list. > Mike: [airman] Here, check this twice. Find out who's naughty and who's nice. >"Lieutenant Torymura, you may want to see this; it's the list of >passengers," the airman said to him. > Tom: [Toryuma] Good lord! How many soccer teams were on this flight? >He took a quick look, and his stomach turned when he noticed two >names on the list. > Mike: [Toryuma] Mike Rotch and Amanda Hugginkiss? The hell?! >"Poor Makoto," was all he said. > Crow: Hmmm. I'm starting to feel left out of the plot. Tom: What plot? Crow: Good point. >A subsequent investigation cleared Lt. Torymura and his squadron >of negligence. Crow: They had sat around and done nothing with commendable aplomb! Mike: Later they got hired as paparazzi, tailing Princess Di. > Now a general, Torymura Keiichi was in charge of >the Neo-Zero project. He sat there at his desk, in his dress >green uniform, his hair grayed with the cares of a long military >career and time-carved wrinkles over his skin. Crow: It's General Halftrack-san! > But he's still >haunted by the awful memories of what happened fifteen years ago. Mike: [General] I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if a million voices cried out at once- >If only he-- > Crow: Hadn't let the Commies infect his bodily fluids? >A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. Mike: [General] Damn! A loud noise! Aw, screw the voices, let'em cry to someone else. > Someone >entered his office. It was Ryu, now wearing a vermilion martial >artist's outfit. > Crow: Nah, that's probably just fresh blood. Tom: We can hope anyway. >"General, this is Special Agent Chang," he said. "I know when >the NIRAA will attempt to steal the prototype." > Tom: So instead of a plot, characters will just march and announce that plot-like elements have occurred off screen? Mike: Pretty much. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >By Japanese standards, this was a rather brash way to start a >campaign in a by-election. Crow: Sure, the naked Spice Girls were a bit over the top, but it got people's attention. > Streamers were all over the banquet >hall, as well as posters, all with the same slogan: Crow: "Tanner in '88" > "Nagai >Kenji: For a New and Better Japan." Mike: A pachinko machine in every garage, and two violent porn comics in every bachelor's bedroom! > Nagai was already governor >of Tokyo Metropolitan Prefecture; he had stunned everyone at the >last gubernatorial election by winning the post running as a >member of the Komeito, or Clean Government Party, which had the >backing of the Soka Gakki sect of Buddhism. Mike: Oh, better write that down. I'm sure it'll be important later. Crow: They're that sect that believes that Bill Keane is the Buddha, right? > Now, he was in the >most ambitious campaign of his life: he was seeking the vacant >seat for Tokyo-to in the House of Representatives, the lower >house of the Japanese Diet. Tom: Isn't that the one where you only eat rice, beans, and jujy fruit? > His youthful looks belied his 45 >years, and was wearing a gray flannel suit. > Crow: His youthful looks were wearing a gray flannel suit? >Nagai stepped up to the podium and spoke: > >"Ladies and gentlemen: I hereby announce my candidacy for the >Komeito nomination for the empty seat in the House of >Representatives for Tokyo-to. Tom: [dully] Wow. What a stirring speech. > Our nation faces grave problems as >we near the new millennium. Crow: [Kenji] Why in the last year alone, Gamera attacks were up almost 300%! > Business as usual in our government- >-fostered by a Liberal Democratic government that has been in >control for over forty years--has led us to this crisis. Mike: It's Bob Dole-san. > We have >been the envy of East Asia--indeed in what is still called the >Third World--for turning so rapidly from an isolated, backwards >nation to one of the most modern, most technologically advanced >societies ever seen in human history. Crow: [Nagai] And one of the few governed successfully by children in upsetting short pants. > It would be a shame that >we, as a beacon of hope to those less developed, be extinguished >ourselves. We need new voices; we need fresh blood; Mike: [Nagai] We need *me*, is what I'm getting at. > we need to >admit our mistakes of the past; Crow: And we need one of those nice Oxo can openers! > we must lend a hand to those >nations less fortunate than ourselves. Reforms must be made in >our economy so that everyone that benefits can still do and even >include the small minority that do not. Tom: You wanna diagram that last sentence, Sparky? > We must be more open and >honest in trade with our international neighbors. Crow: [Nagai] We must admit that Pokemon is evil and that AIBOs aren't worth $2,500. > We must turn Japan >around before it's too late, Mike: And call it Napaj! > and I am the man to do it!" > Mike: [Nagai] You kids be quiet back there or I'll turn Japan right around and head back home. >The crowd roared its approval. > Bots: Wooo! Mike: Wow. I guess booking Kid Rock as Kenji's opening act was actually a good idea. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Lawndale was just one of your typical suburban American >communities. Crow: Well, aside from being animated. > At one rather well-appointed house lived the >Morgendorffers. Tom: But they're not important to our story. Let's continue on down the block to 121 Mockingbird Lane.... > It was just after dinner and eldest daughter >Daria had just went to her room; All: [Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA! La la! La la, LA! La la! o/~ > it was pretty unusual because >its walls were mostly padded, a holdover from the previous >owners, who kept their crazy aunt in there. Crow: [narrator] The aunt wrote bad crossover fanfiction, so they confined her to a padded room. > Posters of a >bleached skeleton in the desert and of exetensionalist author >Franz Kafka adorned the walls. Tom: Daria, as written by Quinn! > Daria had just logged on the >Internet. Crow: [Daria] I have to stop going to that "Hamsterdance" site. But they're so cute...! > Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, was sitting on Daria's >bed. > Mike: Writing Nocturnes. >"You've got mail!," chirped the computer. > Tom: And 400 of those pop-up ads. >"And you've got a stick up your ass!," quipped Daria in reply. > Mike: Ah, there's that Morgendorffer wit we all know and love! Tom: The part of Daria today will be played by Adam Sandler. >Jane snickered and then spat out, "That was a good one, Daria! >You go, girl!" > Tom: And the part of Jane Lane will be played by a random member of the Jenny Jones audience. >Daria looked at her e-mail messages. Some of it was spam for >hair tonic, get-rich-quick schemes, and pornography. Mike: The rest was just junk. > There even >was one sick individual who wanted a downloadable picture of >Daria in her underwear. > Mike: [Daria] I told Calvin Klein that I'm just not interested! >"That pervert!," Daria stated, " Who does he think I am, Linda >Lovelace?" Crow: And so our story comes to screeching halt as Daria checks her email. > >Jane shot back, "He probably confused you for some porno star." > Tom: Well, he did call her "Dareyata Moanendoher". >"Look at this one, Jane," said Daria in amazement. > Crow: [Daria] Microsoft will pay me money if I forward this email to everyone I know! >"Who's it from?," Jane inquired. > >Daria responded, "It's from my friend in Japan, Ami." > Mike: Bon Ami? The cleanser? Why would it be friends with you? >"What does it say?," Jane wanted to know. > Tom: "Why should I care?," Tom wondered. >Daria began to read it: > Mike: [Ami] Need crossover urgently. Leave your personality at home, will supply new one on arrival. >"It says: 'Come here quickly. This is important. I can't tell >you here. I'll explain everything when you arrive.'" > Crow: [Ami] Oh yeah, come alone and bring a rubber ducky. >"Better be careful, Daria," cautioned Jane, "Sometimes these >Internet-initiated face-to-face meetings get kinky." > Crow: Only if you're lucky. Heh-heh. >Daria replied, "Jane, Ami is not some pervert. We're both smart; Tom: And smart folks are always well-adjusted! Ask Professor Kaczynski! >we're both unappreciated with our classmates, Tom: [Daria] We're both incredibly, unbelievably modest... > and we both have to >put up with geeks." > Mike: And freaks too! And that chubby guy at the leisure suit store! >"You mean Japan has its own version of Upchuck?," said Jane in >amazement. > Crow: Sure, didn't you see the "Gamera" movies? Kid named Kenny? >"Yep. His name is Gurio," Daria said; Tom: Guerin-o? Mike: No, Goosio! The delightful Maltese goose who teaches children- Crow: [interrupting, annoyed] Mike, will you let that go, please?! We said we were sorry! And you got a free dinner out of it! Mike: Oh, right! Yeah. Tasted like chicken. Very comforting. > "The sick part is he's got >a rather pretty, good-natured girlfriend named Naru." > Crow: [Daria] That's so icky I don't even want to think about it! >"Better call 'Sick Sad World' and tell them you've got a scoop >for them!," snickered Jane. > >"Well, we'd better tell Mom and Dad about this," stated Daria. > Crow: Oh! Oh this must be that special joke-free episode of "Daria" they did when the writers went on strike! Tom: Keep dreaming. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The entire Morgendorffer family was gathered in the living room. Crow: Inspector Poirot was about to reveal the identity of the killer. >Jake and Helen, Daria's parents, were on the couch while Daria, >Jane and Quinn, Mike: Jane's part of the family now? > Daria's sister, were on another couch next to the >adjacent wall. Crow: Wow! Look how much bigger the room seems now that they've removed the story ! Tom: It's the mark of a true artiste. > Quinn was wearing that stupid smiley face T-shirt >and her red miniskirt she once wore to seduce Kevin Thompson, Tom: The Wisconsin governor? > the >star quarterback for Lawndale High. > Tom: Oh. >"Quinn, if that skirt had a slit in it, people would compare you >Ashley Judd," Daria said. > Crow: Then your husband will probably fake his death and you'll have to shoot him in front of Tommy Lee Jones. Mike: And two years after that, no one will return your calls. >"Daria! Give me a break!," Quinn replied. > >"Anyway, your friend Ami wants you to go see her in Tokyo right >away, Daria?", Helen asked. > Crow: [Daria] Yup, someone off the net wants to meet me in another country on the other side of the planet. I'm already packed and ready to go! Oh, but she wants pictures of me in my underwear. Dad, do you have your Polaroid handy? Tom: Anybody else having trouble with this? >"Yes, she did, Mom," was Daria's response. > Mike: Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn't sure at first! >"This is rather unusual, Daria," said Helen in concern; "You'll >miss the big game against Highland." > Crow: [Helen] You know how much you like those football game corndogs.... >"Oh, whoopee!," shot back Daria; Tom: Isn't she supposed to be wittier or is it this story? Mike: Guess which one I'm betting on. > "I'll just miss my old nemeses >Beavis and Butt-Head. Tom: Namedropper! I suppose you'll miss your old nemeses Baby Huey and Felix the Cat, too! Mike: Boy, the crossovers are startin' to pile up like old newspapers here. > I hated it when those two called me >'Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!'". > Crow: At this point, Beavis & Butthead might actually be a step *up*. Tom: Careful what you wish for, Crow. Crow: *gulp!* >"Oh, Daria, boys will be boys!," Jake answered. "Heck, I >probably didn't do any worse than they did when I was their age." > Tom: [Jake] I was quite the little hellraiser in my youth. Why, I practically invented "Mary Mary Can't Eat Dairy"! >"Jake, how dare you defend those two!," Helen roared. Mike: o/~ In the suburbs, the quiet suburbs, the Helen roars tonight. o/~ > "Those two >are so perverted they make Larry Flint look like Mahatma Gandhi!" > Crow: Oh. So they're like Marv Albert. >"But, Honey--," began Jake > >Helen silenced him by roaring, "SHUT UP, JAKE!" > Mike: No, it's Wesley. Tom: Huh? Mike: Sorry. Reflex action. >"Yes, Dear!," was Jake's meekish reply. > >"Well, I guess if it's OK with the school," Helen said, "it's OK >with me. Crow: The principal screamed to the high heavens, but the building itself had no objections per se. > I always thought going to foreign countries helps to >broaden one's horizons." > Mike: [Helen] Of course, I always used to think that way about LSD, too.... >"I think there's an opening in our foreign exchange program, Mom. Tom: [Daria] It's to Turkey, but I think I have enough frequent flyer miles to upgrade. >I'll ask," Daria replied. > >"Oh, Honey, you're going to like this!," Helen said. > Tom: And if she doesn't, she's outta the will! >"Then again, I could live to regret it," warned Daria. > Crow: I know we are! >"What will happen if Beavis and Butt-Head notice that you're not >at the game? Mike: They'll just have to ask everyone about the score, and then snicker constantly? > They'll pick on me! What will I do?," Quinn >shrieked. > Crow: Just toss them a shiny object. That should keep them busy for a while. >"Keep your legs crossed," Daria sneered. > Crow: It's a Playskool story. All sharp edges removed! >Jane snickered sinisterly over that remark. > Tom: And here we have a classic example of the brainless yes-man, moving right along.... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >At an underground bunker right beneath the Lawndale Gun Club, the >Lawndale Militia was meeting. Anthony Corlew, the commander, >rose to speak. > Mike: Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life! >"Gee, Commander, what are we going to do tonight?", asked a >member named Poindexter. > Tom: Well, rip off more talented creative artists, it would seem. >"The same thing we do every night, Poindexter: Crow: [Corlew] Try to steal Felix's magic bag! > Try to take over >Lawndale!," said Anthony. > Mike: Um - ha? Ha? >With that out of the way, Tom: Oh, you mean the comedy relief's over? Crow: When did it start? > he continued: > >"'Operation In Your Face' is proceeding as scheduled. Mike: What, radial keratotomy? > As >everyone knows, the whole town will turn out for the big game >against Highland. Crow: [Corlew] Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Orphanages - everything will be emptied in honor of the sacred f'ball game! > During that time, we will launch a blitzkrieg >attack and take over city hall, the police station Mike: ...several pubs and taverns... > and the >courthouse. Crow: But lay off Baskin Robbins! I have a coupon! > We will strike at half-time. Tom: When the town is in the can. > We've got all our >firepower ready. In four days, Lawndale will be ours!" > Crow: Well, at least this story is culturally balanced. Mike: Yeah, it has stupid Japanese, Arabic *and* American bad guys! >Roars of approval echoed throughout the bunker. Mike: Man, all this just to circumvent Lawndale's prohibitive leash laws. Crow: Well, you can't get dog owners mad, Mike. They go nuts. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Nakajimi Tetsuo was going down a street in Shinjuku. Crow: If he's being chased by a guy named Levih, I'm leaving. > He was >about five and a half feet tall with raven black hair and wore a >dark blue suit. Tom: He's one of Tom Wolfe's "Masters of the Universe". Mike: Wait, this is Japan. Shouldn't we be using the metric system? > He had a good job as a stockbroker, but visions >of a terrible past still haunted him: > Crow: His years as "official babe troller" for the New Kids On The Block had left their scars! >"We are the Mecha-Dominion! We will absorb your world into our >realm! Mike: We are the Starbucks collective! You will be assimilated into our rich distinctive blend! > Rebellion against us is useless!" Then the screams of >slaughter. > Tom: So, was this when he was still a stockbroker or...? Mike: Tom, they aren't kidding when they talk about "hostile takeovers." >But now a new, more terrible vision filled his mind. Mike: [Tetsuo] Aaaaaaah!!!! No more "Old Navy" ads!!! > A jet >fighter coming out of nowhere. Missiles firing at landmark >buildings. Fire everywhere. Bodies scattered in every >direction. > Mike: Larry King on every channel! No! >Tetsuo stopped. "Tokyo is in danger!," he exclaimed. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: [grandly] This looks like a job for- Day Traderman! [less grandly] Right after I check the overseas markets... I'll just be a minute, I swear... Tom: Let's get outta here before Prince of Space shows up. Crow: Wow. I wonder what he's doing these days? Mike: [picking Tom up] Probably bootblacking. I heard he like it very much. Crow: By the way, Mike. We've got a surprise for you out on the bridge. Mike: Um, okay, I guess. [The trio exits] [1. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . . ] [Bridge] [A large tarp covers the back wall of the Bridge. After a moment, a blindfolded Mike is led in by Tom and Crow.] Mike: Okay, guys. What's this big secret that you want to show me? Crow: Well, Tom and I have been working on something in our off time here on the satellite, and I think that you'll really enjoy it. Tom: Okay! Here we are! And... um, Mike? We can't reach your blindfold... Mike: I've got it. [Mike removes his blindfold as the bots gesture at the back wall.] Mike: Wow. A tarp. Well, I'm impressed. Crow: No! Not the tarp. *Behind* the tarp. Tom: Can you take care of the tarp, Mike? We've got those non-functioning limbs... Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike grabs hold of a rope near the tarp and gives the rope a tug. The tarp falls away, revealing a large door.] Mike: Okay, a door is a bit more impressive than the tarp was... Tom: Mike, it's not just a door. It's the door to a brand new land of pleasure and excitement for us! Crow: That's right, Mikey. For Tom and I have built us a brand new... Bots: [Dramatically] HOLOGAZEBO! [Mike is silent for a moment.] Mike: A hologazebo? Crow: Yes! Mike: Is that similar to a holodeck? Tom: You betcha! See, Crow and I got the plans from a Star Trek website... Mike: ARE YOU TWO INSANE? [The bots are quiet for a moment.] Crow: Well, no... Tom: My self-diagnostics indicate that everything is okey-dokey. Mike: Let me get this straight. You two have built, on the satellite, the one thing on Star Trek that malfunctioned practically every time it appeared?! Crow: Um, yes. Mike: And you think this is a good thing?! Tom: Come on, Mike. Think of it as a miniature Dream Park, right here on the SoL. Mike: Uh-huh. And how many time in those books is someone murdered in the Park? Crow: Mike, this won't malfunction. After all, Tom and I built it! Mike: Fine. Let's try a little test, shall we? Crow, why don't you boot up the most non-threatening program that you can think of? Crow: Okay. Computer? [The computer's voice responds, sounding a great deal like Christopher Walken.] Computer: [V.O.] Working. [Mike stares at the bots.] Tom: The Majel Barret voice module was sold out. [Mike shrugs and Crow resumes speaking.] Crow: Computer, run program "Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies have a picnic." Computer: [V.O.] Affirmative. Mike: Okay. Now watch. [Mike walks over to the command console, bends down and picks up a red, rubber ball. He hold it up for the bots to see, then walks over to the door to the hologazebo, which slides open with a "swoosh" SFX. Happy sounding, slightly tinny music pours in from the hologazebo, along with the sounds of laughter. Mike casually tosses the ball into the hologazebo. Suddenly, sounds of unbearable violence can be heard from the inside of the hologazebo.] Tom: Ick. I've never seen rubber bleed before. Crow: Come on, Mike. Clearly the Fluffy, Fuzzy Bunnies were provoked by that threatening object. Mike: Okay, new test. Crow, I'm going to throw you into the hologazebo to make contact with the bunnies... Crow: All right. It's a deathtrap. Is that what you wanted to hear? [sobbing] Did you really want to smash a little bot's dreams? We just wanted to help, is that so wrong? [The fiction sign begins to flash merrily.] Mike: Look, we'll discuss this later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 2: Ms. Morgendorffer Goes to Tokyo > Crow: While Debbie Does Dublin! >Lawndale International Airport was kind of lonely at this time of >day. Tom: It could use a pick-me-up bouquet. > Except for a few Hare Krishnas here and there, not too many >people were in the lobby. > Crow: They had all joined the crew in the cockpit for margaritas. >"Now, Daria, did you pack some clean underwear like I asked you >to?," Helen asked. > >"Yes, Mother," Daria answered > Crow: [Helen] Did you remember your teddy bear? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... Crow: [Helen] You aren't listening to me are you? Tom: [Daria] Yes.... >"Daria," Quinn asked, "Could you bring back one of those kimonos >for me, please?" > Mike: [Quinn] Ooh! And one of those talking toilets too! >"Quinn," Daria stated, those kimonos are pretty damn expensive." > Tom: Oh come on! Where's that dry-as-a-desert Daria wit?! Crow: Yeah, like "Why don't I get you something more authentically Japanese? Like mercury poisoning?" >"Pretty please?," Quinn whined. > >"C'mon, Daria," Jake said, "this is probably going to be the only >time you'll ever get to go to Japan." > Mike: [Daria] Dad, they sell them at Pier 1. Crow: [Quinn] And that sex shop on 5th... Whoops. >"OK, OK," Daria said, resignedly; "if I see one at a reasonable >price, I'll get one for you." > >"Thanks, Daria!," chirped Quinn > Mike: [grandly] She agrees to buy souvenirs! [sings Daria theme] o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >Besides Daria and her family, there was Jane, and the only two >friends in Lawndale High School they had, Crow: Booze and denial! > Jodie Landon and >Michael Jordan Mackenzie, or Mack for short. > Tom: G'day, eh? Where's the beer? >"If there's any airheads at the high school you're going to, >Daria, heckle them for me," Mike: Well, that takes care of Usagi right off the bat. > Jane said. "And see if they've got a >Japanese version of 'Sick Sad World' over there." > Crow: Heck, the entire Japanese lineup could be shown on SSW! >"Right," responded Daria. > Tom: [Jane] Left, sir. >"Have a nice time over there," Jodie added. "Let me know what >you think of the sushi." > Mike: [Daria] Well, I think it's pretty much raw fish and rice. >""I've got a cousin at an American base not too far from Tokyo. >Maybe you can look him up," Mack said as he gave Daria a slip of >paper. > Crow: A fortune! You will go to Japan and be trapped in a goofy crossover! In bed! >"I'll try my best, Mack," Daria answered. > >The airport PA system announced that the flight to Tokyo would >soon be boarding. > Mike: [PA] Flight 101, now boarding children, pregnant women, and poorly drawn animated characters on Runway 6. Crow: [Daria] Well, that's me guys. >"You'd better get on board, Daria," Helen said. > Tom: [Helen] If you don't, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life! >"Right," Daria said. " Bye, everyone. I'll write often." > Tom: [Daria] To remind you how my superiority over the lot of you pathetic, non-angsty losers continually depresses me. >With that Daria hugged her family and friends, and went down the >gate. > Mike: Um, when was the last time Daria hugged *anything*? Crow: When she was 4 - her teddy bear, "Ennui". >"Man, I really envy Daria right now," Quinn said. "She's going >to Japan and I have to go to the big game in three days and put >up with Beavis and Butt-Head." > Mike: Well, don't go to the game then, geez.... >As if there couldn't be anyone dumber than those two, Kevin >Thompson, the star quarterback for Lawndale High, and his >girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, appeared. Crow: I detect juuust a bit of hostility against these two from the author. Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah, it might be too subtle for most people to pick up though. > Kevin >was wearing his football uniform (which he wore everywhere) Tom: Even to church. Even to sleep. Even to sleep in church. > while >Brittany was in her cheerleader uniform, which showed how well >endowed (and stupid) she was. > Tom: That's some uniform! Crow: I bet it even tells us her real hair color! >"Hey, what's up, everyone?," Brittany asked as she twirled her >hair around her finger. > Mike: She shouldn't play with her wig like that - it makes it really noticeable. >"Daria just left for Japan," Jake said. > Mike: [Kevin] Yay! Crow: [Jake] But she's coming back. Mike: [Kevin] Oh, damn. >"Hey, I hear Japan's a pretty cool country," Kevin said. > Crow: [Kevin] They got Indians, right? >"But not as cool as you, Kevin," gushed Brittany as she hugged >Kevin. > Tom: [wistful] Wow, Mike, I'll bet this takes you back to the first time you fell deeply in love with a comely young girl who dumped you for the school jock! Mike: [same] Yeah, lotta good mem- [stops] hey! >"Aw, gee, Cupcake!," Kevin replied. Crow: You're such a good hostess! Ha! Hostess! Because I called you cupcake! > "Anyway, when's the next >drill, Mack Daddy?" > Mike: [Mack] Sears has theirs on sale next week. >"Kevin," Mack said, "For the last time, don't call me 'Mack >Daddy'! I hate that name!" > Tom: [mother] Oh, Mack dearie. If you show them it bothers you, it just encourages him! >"OOPS! Sorry!", Kevin gasped. > Crow: [Yul Brynner] I'm dead now. Don't smoke. But if you do, be sure to ask your local video store for "The King and I", now out on DVD! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Narita Airport (or New Tokyo International Airport, as it was >officially known) was hopping when Daria arrived. Crow: Trying to work off some of that holiday paunch, I see. > Already jet >lag was taking its toll on her. She looked like she'd been >through a war. > Tom: Specifically the War of the Nerds. Crow: [nerdy] You nimrod! Jadzia is way cooler than Ezri! Mike: [nerdy] Die! >"They're right," Daria muttered to herself, "Airline food is >lousy!" Mike: She repeats a tired cliché! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ > She did look disheveled. Crow: Thank you for pointing that out....repeatedly! > She didn't sleep too well on >the flight. Tom: This kid with a really big forehead kept kicking the back of her seat. > Her hair was a wreck, her olive drab jacket was >scrunched up, her black skirt was hiked up, Tom: Heh. I can see her un-Daria-wear. Whoo! Mike: Don't force it, Tom. > and one of the laces >on her combat boots was untied. Tom: And she suddenly felt a vestigial nipple in her left armpit. > Just then, she walked right into >someone. > Tom: AHHH!!! She's a demon! Mike: Daria's real problem is she's overly *possessive!* [waves his hand] Thank you! I'm here all week! >"A thousand pardons to you, Madam!," said the stranger. > >"Up yours!," Daria yelled back. > Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: International Ambassador of Goodwill. >Daria didn't know it, but she bumped into the person who was >going to nuke Lawndale in three days time. > Mike: It just goes to show you, always be polite. Or else someone might nuke your hometown for your rudeness. >Akbar went up to a rent-a-car counter and rented a Toyota Corolla >2-door. Crow: [Akbar] Ah yes! Good model! Lots of storage for nitrogen-based fertiliz- DAH, I mean, toast! Much room for toast! Mike: And the author sneaks in some product placement to earn a few extra bucks. > He then went to a pay phone to book a room at a nearby >motel. > Tom: [Akbar] Please not to give me room near American devils Mulder and Scully! I need my sleep! >"In three days time," Akbar said to himself, "The Great Satan >will have his war brought home to him!" > Crow: In 30 minutes or it's free! >Daria, meanwhile, was surprised to see a chauffeur standing with >a card that said "Morgendorffer" on it. > Tom: That's a really big card.... >"Are you Ms. Daria Morgendorffer?," asked the chauffeur. > >"Yes, and who might you be, the welcoming committee from Hell?" > Mike: [droll] Yes. You may call me the Chauffeur of the Flies. >"Your sense of humor is sharp," Crow: Like a beachball. Tom: I was leaning toward Patrick Stewart's head myself. Mike: I'm still waiting for her to be witty. > the chauffeur said, "but I was >sent at the request of Mizuno Ami, your friend. She told me to >take you directly to Sendai Hill Shrine. It was important." > Tom: Wait a minute, how can Ami afford a limo? Mike: Merchandising? Crow: Sales of Sailor Moon brand jeans are up 400% this year! >"Lead the way," Daria said. "Things couldn't get much worse. Crow: o/~ I have to admit, it's getting better! A little better... o/~ >After all, the food was lousy, and I didn't sleep well at all." > Tom: [Daria] And your culture is a more disturbing than an Uncle Duke fever dream. >"Right this way," the chauffeur said. > Crow: If I could right that way, I wouldn't *need* the talcum powder! Mike: [chauffeur] Would you like the radio? We have Gamera News, Godzilla News, Mothra News, and Country 101.6. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Ami," Hino Rei, the miko of Sendai Hill Shrine Crow: Sounds like a Cypress Hill/Wu Tang Clang crossover. > began to say, >"you'd better have a good reason why you asked all of us to be >here right now! You interrupted me right in the middle of shrine >services!" > Tom: [Rei] You think being this bitchy comes naturally?! >"This won't take long," Ami promised. "As you know, in three >days, I leave for Germany. However, the Sailor Senshi won't be >undermanned. Mike: [Ami] Er, girled. > I got someone coming who will take my place while >I'm gone." > Crow: [Ami] Don't be alarmed if she brings her Eva. >"This better be worth it," Kino Makoto added, "since the last >time you were planning to go to Germany, you changed your mind at >the last minute." > Tom: [Makoto] You really put a damper on our 'Ami's Gone' party you know! >"Yeah," Usagi added, "and Mamoru had dumped me!" > >"AHEM!," Mamoru cleared his throat. > >"OOPS! Sorry!," Usagi gasped. > Crow: Um, what just happened here? Tom: Damn, parallelism again! X-men/Star Trek was bad enough! >"I'm pretty sure that the person you will meet will live up to >everyone's expectations," Artemis said. "Ami said that she was >as smart as she is." > Mike: But not as 'talented'. Crow: I'll say! >"Great," moaned Aino Minako, "another egghead who prefers curling >up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! >Don't eggheads like you have lives, Ami?" > Tom: Hoo boy..... Crow: Someone doesn't quite grasp the meaning of "Friendship" do they? >"And what do you mean by that remark, Minako?," Ami demanded. > Mike: [Minako] That you're an egghead who prefers curling up with a good book instead of going to the movies with a guy! But don't take it personally or anything. >"Now, now, ladies," Luna said, "Let's not get hot under the >collar! Crow: Your fans want you hot somewhere else, if the e-mail's any indication. > I'm pretty sure all will work out for the best." > Crow: [Luna] At least it isn't one of those SI people.... >Just then, Daria arrived. She introduced herself rather curtly: > Tom: Which, to be fair, was her normal tone of voice. >"Hello. My name is Daria Morgendorffer. All: [Sailor Senshi] *GAI-JIN!!!* > I'm from Lawndale, USA. Mike: [Daria] My turn-ons are black-and-white movies, long walks by moonlight, and candlewax dripped slowly on my bare, arching back. My turn-offs... >I just had one Hell Tom: (TM), of course. Mike: Back out of the Looniverse, guys. > of a flight, my stomach's upset from the >airline food, I didn't sleep well, Crow: [Daria] And apparently I've been subjected to a complete humorectomy. > and I've got a short temper. >So let's cut the crap and get down to business." > Mike: [Daria] Who's the hit? >Usagi swallowed with a loud "ULP!" > Tom: Usagi is Popeye? Crow: Yep. She's Popeye the Sailor-moon! *toot* Mike: Just what we need, anime of a schoolgirl reaching down the front of her dress. >Ami knew she had to defuse the situation quickly. > Mike: [Ami] Perhaps booze will alleviate this situation? >"Well, Daria, I'm sorry that your flight didn't go too well," Ami >began to say; "Please, let me introduce you to my friends. Crow: 2 hours later, we finally learn who these people are! > The >one with the long blonde ponytails is Tsukino Usagi. Crow: Her likes are: Mamoru, food, sleep, and shiny objects. Tom: Her hates are: Chibi-Usa, self-insertion characters, Chibi-Usa, and thinking. > The black- >haired lady in the white robe and red hakama is Hino Rei, the >miko of this shrine. Crow: [Ami] You guys can say hello any time! Feel free! Mike: I wish I had a clue of what a miko is. > The girl with the auburn ponytail is Kino >Makoto. Bots: WAR EAGLE!!! > The other blonde with the bow in her hair is Aino >Minako. Tom: The devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress, devil with the blue dress on is a way cool Mitch Ryder tune. > The girl with long dark green hair is Meiou Setsuna. Mike: [Ami] And what a tale we have to tell about how she got that! >The one with the short, dirty blond hair is Ten'ou Haruka. Tom: [Haruka] Yours isn't that clean either! Mike: I hope you're getting this, there's a quiz next period. > The >girl with the green hair is Kaiou Michiru. Crow: [Michiru] Ami, I protest! We Sailor Senshi are complex characters with depth and emotion that cannot be described by just hair colors! Tom: [Ami] Oh? Crow: [Michiru] Well... all right, but you could at least pretend! > The lady with the >short black hair is Tomoe Horatu. The little girl with pink hair >is Chibi-Usa. Mike: o/~ Gimme a fic with hair! Long, beautiful ha-air! o/~ > The guy with black hair is Chiba Mamoru. Mike: [Ami] And, of course, Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup. Crow: [Daria] Let me see if I have this straight: Kinky Toto, Ain't No Minnow, Mayo Set Sauna, Ten To Harpo, Kai's Power Tools, Tomato Horatio, Cheap USA and Chubby Su-Maru? Tom: [Ami, giggling] Close enough! > The >black cat is Luna, and the white one is Artemis." > Crow: Somewhere, someone in Roanoke, VA is smiling. Mike: [Daria] Well, now that the intros are out of the way, let's wrassle! >A less-than-enthusiastic "Hello" issued from everyone. > >"I see this is going to be a tough crowd," Daria said. > Tom: If this were a commercial, now would be when she'd whip out a big McDonald's bag from behind her back and shout, "I brought fries!", and they'd all cheer and smile and be friends! > "OK, Usagi," Ami said, "I guess you should let Daria know our >secret." > Tom: [Usagi] About the eleven secret herbs and spices?? Crow: [Ami] The *other* secret! Tom: [Usagi] Oh. Ok... Well, Daria, me and Ami.... Crow: [Ami] No! The *other* other secret! >Usagi drew a deep breath and began: > Mike: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... >"Daria, what if I told you that everything is not as it seems >here?" > Mike: [Usagi] Oh, to hell with it. Morpheus, you give the "red pill/blue pill" speech. I need a drink. >"You dragged me all the way here to tell me something I already >know?," shot back Daria, sarcastically. "What a gyp!" > Crow: [Daria] Well, if you're done with me I'll just go home now. >"Trust me on this one," Usagi continued, "what if I told you that >a thousand years ago we all lived on the Moon as members of the >Royal Court of the Moon Kingdom?" > Tom: [Daria] I shoulda stuck with that Freakazoid crossover Spielberg was hawking me! >Daria groaned, "Beam me up, Scotty, this planet is going to Hell >in a handbasket!" > Tom: And the handbasket is known as "anime"! >"C'mon, Daria, I'm being serious here!," continued Usagi; "You >see, a thousand years ago Queen Beryl and her Dark Kingdom >destroyed the Moon Kingdom and my mother, Queen Serenity. Tom: Then Santa Claus came down from Heaven in his spaceship and... oh, you finish it! I'm bitter! > We >were sent to Earth and reincarnated so we could protect the Earth >from the Dark Kingdom and all other threats. Mike: Oh, so they're all Hindus! Crow: No, Mike. > We defeated the >Dark Kingdom, Ail and Ann, the Wiseman and the Four Sisters, Tom: Mike Ovitz... > the >Death Busters, Crow: The Dust Busters... that one I think the police could've handled, frankly... > the Black Moon Circus, and--most recently--Sailor >Galaxia. Mike: Plus The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler... Crow: Doc Ock, The Green Goblin, Kraven... Tom: The Cylons, The Vorlons, That Scorpion guy from "Farscape"... > You see, we are the Sailor Senshi you may have heard >about in the news. Crow: [Daria] You're the guys who took bribes to guarantee government PDA contracts for Novacorp? Tom: [Ami] No, the *other* news! > I'm Sailor Moon; Ami's Sailor Mercury; Rei's >Sailor Mars; Mike: Chad... is just Chad. But the uniform fits his hips so well! > Mako's Sailor Jupiter; Minako's Sailor Venus; Crow: Don't forget Sailor Redundant; Sailor Redundant; and her sidekick, Sailor Redundant... > Chibi- >Usa's Sailor Chibi-Moon; Mike: She would have been Sailor Shoemaker-Levy 9, but that's a member of the LSH. > Setsuna's Sailor Pluto; Tom: Omit needless Senshi! Omit needless Senshi! > Haruka's Sailor >Uranus; Mike: Guys... Tom: Don't worry, Nelson, it's too easy. Crow: Yeah, like shooting bunnies in a barrel. > Michiru's Sailor Neptune; Hotaru's Sailor Saturn; >Mamoru's Tuxedo Mask, Crow: Or Sailor Beefcake as we call him... > and Luna and Artemis can talk." > Tom: And a hard boiled egg. [Crow makes a honking noise.] Tom: Make that two hard boiled eggs. Mike: [Usagi] Excuse me....need to catch my breath for a sec. *huff* >Daria began to sarcastically hum the theme from "The Twilight >Zone". > Mike: Rod Serling's ghost quickly appeared to beat her up. >"Daria," Luna said, "I will not allow you to act sarcastically! Crow: You will sincerely mean your sarcasm or bring shame to the country you call Lawndale! >That is not the proper way for a Sailor Senshi to behave! Mike: Welcome to Japan! Conform or die! > This >is a serious situation you're in. Let Ami explain." > Crow: More explaining?! NOOOOOO! Tom: Jeez, "Dune" had less exposition than this. >"Daria," Ami said "as you know, I have to leave for my medical >studies in Germany in three days. Tom: Studying under the great V. V. Fronkenshteen, no doubt. > Someone has to take my place >as Sailor Mercury while I'm gone. Crow: And since Nancy Walker won't return our calls, you're in! > I think you're the best person >there is." > Mike: Well then. Ami's lost her mind. >Daria shot back, "First, you cook up some cockamamie story about >being recreated from some Moon Kingdom, Crow: No, first was the two-hour introduction scene. Weren't you listening? > now I have talking cats >to deal with. Is this 'Candid Camera', and if so, where's Allan >Funt?" > Mike: Um, slowly decomposing in his coffin? >"Daria," Luna replied, "believe me, I know this is kind of >difficult for you to take, Tom: But you gotta eat Chibi's boogers or you can't be in the club! > but at first we didn't know if this >would be feasible, since you weren't around during the Silver >Millennium. Crow: [Luna] I'd explain what that means, but now it's time to remind you of our various hair styles. > But I think it can be done. Ami, give me your power >stick." > Mike: [Ami] What?! No! That's personal and priv- oh! Sorry, you meant the superhero thing, heh. I'll get it. >Ami handed it to Luna; she then gave it to Daria. > Tom: Who gave it to Charlie Trie, who traded it to the Chinese for Democrat campaign contributions. >Luna continued, "Now, the both of you hold on to my tail". Crow: Good. Let's train the kids to grab the kitty's tail! Good call. Mike: Crow, the whole thing's just a ruse by Luna to get free skritchies. > They >both did, and Ami's Sailor Mercury powers left her and entered >Daria. > Tom: [Luna] Very good. Now the painful series of 14 injections to the stomach! Mike: Shouldn't they give her some kind of test first? Crow: Or at least check her references? >"I didn't notice a damn difference," sneered Daria. > Tom: [Daria] I do feel like making a short speech about love and justice though. >"Now, hold the power stick up high and say 'SUPER MERCURY STAR >POWER, MAKE-UP!,'" said Luna. > Crow: Then hit "F1" repeatedly. A black screen with a series of menu options should appear. >"OK, but I don't think anything is going to happen," was Daria's >curt reply. > Tom: Yeah, that's what they always say. >Daria held the power stick like it was some moldy breadstick the >local pizzeria back at Lawndale was giving away, Mike: SUPER FANFIC ALLEGORY POWER, GROSS OUT! > and said "SUPER >MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!". Tom: I don't picture Daria as a make-up kinda girl. > Immediately, Daria had the >sensation that someone had ripped her clothes off. Tom: Are we sure this isn't a Venus 5 crossover? Mike: Don't give the authors ideas, Tom. > "Great, now >the whole damn world can see I've got small breasts!", she >muttered to herself. Mike: If it helps, they're still bigger than mine. > As soon as the transformation was complete, >and Daria was in Sailor Mercury's seirafuku costume, everyone >knew that the transfer was successful. > Tom: Well the *costuming* was successful. And that's all they really cared about. >"Congratulations, Daria! You're now the new Sailor Mercury!," >Usagi blushed. Tom: Loud blush. > She motioned Daria to a nearby mirror. Daria >took one look. > >"I hate this seirafuku," Daria replied; Mike: o/~ That's all it took! Yeah, just one look! o/~ > "it looks frumpy on me! Mike: [Ami] Yeah, you kind of do... Damn! Hokiyama Blackwell's released his list of the Ten Worst Dressed Animated Characters. You're three of the top four! >I want something else!" > Mike: [Ami] Okay, we've got a bikini version of our uniform you can wear... >"Daria," Luna said, "this is the uniform of the Sailor Senshi. >Wear it with pride." > Mike: "Pride" being this lacy little undergarment thing here. Crow: [Luna] When you go out on that bar top, you're not just dancing for yourself, you're dancing for all of us! >Daria stepped on Luna's tail in response; Crow: Those cats will have bells on their tails and bags on their feet before this is over. > Luna gave out a loud >"ROWR!". > Tom: [Daria] You're not Luna! You're Upchuck in disguise! Mike: [Upchuck] I like my Sailor Senshi feisty! >"UP YOURS!," Daria bickered. > Mike: She insults a helpless housecat! *o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~* Tom: Daria's personality in this fic was donated by Wendy O' Williams. >"I don't think Daria's going to be a good team member, Mamoru," >whined Usagi. > Crow: Duh. Well maybe you shouldn't have let her on the team then. Tom: They can always put her on monitor duty while the rest of the Superfriends fight the Legion of Doom. >"I couldn't agree with you more, Usagi," conceded Mamoru.. > Tom: [Usagi] What say we blow this joint and go to Bermuda? >----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Hey guys, read between the lines! Hehehehe.... [Mike and Crow groan.] >-------------------------------------------------------------- > >Hamada Ieyasu was just a typical person living in a quiet street >in a suburb of Narita. Crow: Well, except for being fictional. > That is, he would be typical except for >one thing: Mike: He actually *enjoys* ham and pineapple pizza. Tom: Say, that *is* science fictional! Mike: Sci2K me! > he had a working-order Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night >fighter/ground attack aircraft in his backyard. Mike: Ah, that's nothing! I used to know a guy who kept a Sherman tank in his backyard and an anti-aircraft gun on his roof. Until that day he started shooting at those gnomes... > He had a long, >gray, tapered Fu Manchu beard and was greasy from his work. Crow: Hey, it's Fong! Tom: Wow, he's really moved up from Cave Dwellers. Mike: Is he one of those guys from those kung-fu movies you told me about? Tom: Not quite... > He >wore a soft cap and a velvet jacket. Tom: It wouldn't happen to be a smoking jacket would it? Mike: I'm missing something here, I can feel it. > He was doing some routine >maintenance on it when his grandson Hideki asked him about the >plane. > Crow: [Hideki] Pawpaw, wouldn't it work better if it had an engine? Tom: [Ieyasu] That's just crazy talk, boy! >"You're pretty proud of that airplane, aren't you, Grandpa?," >began Hideki. > Mike: [Ieyasu] Yes, yes I am. Now get off, you're scratching the paint! >Ieyasu began to tell him about the plane: > Crow: [Ieyasu] Yessir, me and this baby shot down a lot of planes in its day. Tom: [Hideki] That was during the war, right? Crow: [Ieyasu] Yes. Of course. During the war, and not last week. >"Yes I am, Hideki. I may have flown it in a losing cause, but it >served me well. Tom: Oh, he's that guy in the Douglas Adams skit! The kamikaze pilot who flew thirty-four missions! He's funny! Mike: Tommy? Don't get your hopes up. > I was just lucky that I managed to salvage parts >for it and rebuild it; Mike: Thankfully there are lots of airplane junkyards in Japan. > after the way, the American occupation >forces scrapped most of our nation's war capabilities. Tom: Good thing he hung onto the receipt. > Remember, >back then, we and the United States were not on the best of >terms. Crow: [Ieyasu] They called us names. They kept changing the presets on the radio station. They kept drinking our milk and placing the empty carton back in the fridge... > Ruthless military men had virtual control of our nation >in name if not in fact. They had launched a foolhardy quest to >annex much of East Asia to our territory and committed many >atrocities. Mike: Like "Thundercats"! What the hell was *that* about? > This plane was one of the best craft ever built. Crow: Oooh, nice transition. Mike: [Ieyasu] Ator built it for me out of bamboo and coconuts. >Did you know that it was this plane, and not the Mitsubishi A6M >that made the first Kamikaze attack on American naval vessels? Tom: [Hideki] Um... but it's still here, Grampa. >The Americans called this plane the 'Nick' like the A6M was >called the 'Zero'." > Crow: [Ieyasu, nerdy] You can check that fact in the "Aircraft of the World: The Complete Guide" >Ieyasu paused to go toward the tail of the Nick. Mike: [Hideki] Grandpa, pausing means you don't go anywhere. Did you take your pills with plum wine again? > He continued: > >"You may notice that the Rising Sun is on a white stripe on this >plane. Tom: [Ieyasu] You may, if you cared. But I'll pretend you're listening intently, for it gives me forbidden pleasure! > That meant that this plane was serving in the defense of >the homeland. And the marking of the tail indicates that it was >with the 1st Chutai of the 53rd Sentai based in Matsudo here in >Chiba-ken." > Tom: [Hideki, yawning] That's fascinating grampa. Really. Crow: I'd just like to point out that all information contained in the last paragraph has now left my brain. >Hideki asked, "What was your greatest adventure in this plane?" > Mike: [Ieyasu] Oh, lets see....that would have to be the time me and my buds got hammered and we buzzed Buddokhan during the Cheap Trick concert. Whew! And then I invited this pert little Swedish stewardess to come and sit in my cockpit... >"Well, one time," Ieyasu answered, "shortly before the atomic >bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, we went up against the Americans >and their Superfortresses on one of their raids against Tokyo. I >managed to shoot down three that night. Mike: [Ieyasu, distantly] I sure hope they were Americans... > However, my tailgunner >was killed when a fourth retaliated after we bungled an attempt >to shoot that one down. I was lucky to escape with my life." > Crow: [Ieyasu] *My* parachute worked! >Ieyasu then added this rather suddenly: > Mike: [Ieyasu] I always had this thing for Bess Truman. [pause] Anyway, about the plane... >"You know, Hideki, I wonder how things might have been different >if the military hadn't slowly crept into power and we didn't join >the Nazi Germans and the Fascist Italians. Mike: Well, A&E would have find something new to talk about. > We might have joined >the Americans and together forced both of them to surrender >sooner that they did. Tom: [Ieyasu] And Germany! Perhaps if Hitler had not come to power, they could have joined the fighting too! > We might have launched a campaign to expel >the Germans from the Soviet Union. Crow: [Ieyasu] Maybe we could have warned Einstein to shampoo less and condition more. Oh, so many regrets, Hideki! > We might have gone into >Berlin instead of the Soviets. Tom: [Ieyasu] We might have had eggs for breakfast. > What I don't figure is why both >our government and the American government won't just own up to >what happened. Crow: Maybe because they'd have to take responsibility for it? > They say the Americans should apologize for using >the atomic bomb but why won't our government apologize for the >Rape of Nanjing or the Korean comfort women or the Baatan Death >March when most of its citizens are indeed sorry for those >things. Crow: This is what's known technically as the "Not Funny" part of the story. Mike: Just wait - any second now, they'll go back to Daria and the Moon Children being witty. > Why can't both our nations admit that mistakes were made >by everyone, make a commitment to make sure nothing like this >ever happens again, and get on with our lives? Why is it that >the people know better than our elected leaders?" > Tom: Boy, that really puts that whole Monica thing in perspective. >"Beats me, Grandpa," said an astonished Hideki; "I guess adults >aren't better than us kids." > Crow: [Hideki] I *always* apologize after bombing a country back to the stone age. >Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Grandma should be ready with >dinner soon," he said. Mike: [Ieyasu] So you'd better run like hell. > "You'd better go in and set the table. >I'll have this plane ready for the Narita Air Show by the end of >the week, or I'll eat my hat. Crow: So that's why the old codger has a skirt steak on his head. Tom: I was wondering! > And tell your father when he and >your mother come to pick you up that I hope he'll make it this >year. This old bird's gonna win the Grand Prize this year, or >I'll have to commit seppuku." > Crow: Wow, now that's competitive! >"You wouldn't!," said an alarmed Hideki. > >"Just kidding, Hideki," reassured Ieyasu. > Crow: Out of idle curiosity, what was the flippin' point of that scene? Mike: It ties it all together. With the terrorists, and the planes, and the little giggling Japanese girls and... Tom: and the militia, and the Japanese executive, and... Crow: and Daria, and the incompetent bad guys, and, and, and... All: [sobbing, crying, whimpering] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dr. Vander Helffen was at his office. Crow: Stephanie's father from "Newhart"! > He was poring over his >latest plans to hijack the Neo-Zero prototype when Yoriko >arrived. > Crow: [loudly] HEY, DOC, WE STILL STEALIN' THAT NEO-ZERO PROTOTYPE?! Tom: [desperate] Shhhhh! >"Time for your pill again, Yoriko," he said. Tom: [Yoriko] Aren't you gonna crush it in a spoon of grape jelly? Mike: [Helffen] You're a very big girl now, Yoriko... Tom: [Yoriko] But Mom always crushes it in grape jelly! 'S'not fair! > She took a bottle >marked "Hi no Tori" Immortality Pills and ingested one of them. > Tom: Hi no Tori, from A to Zinc! Mike: It's new, from Ronco Industries! >"Now, on to business, Yoriko," he continued. "I have grave >concerns for Ryu." > Crow: I've seen his report card, and he's failing algebra. >"How so?," Yoriko wanted to know. > Tom: Oh no, Crow. Crow: What? Tom: Never mind. >Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "Our ninja spies have seen him >hanging around with known SDF intelligence agents in the Ginza." Crow: He's giving them valuable knife information! Tom: Ninja... spies... >He proceeded to take some photographs out of a manila envelope. > Mike: [Helffen] I used a hi-focus, telescopic lens, so I hope you like them. >"So, I see," was her reply. > Tom: You know, snapping pictures of Pamela Anderson undressed isn't really a big deal... >"If Ryu is indeed acting as a double agent, he is to be >eliminated," Dr. Vander Helffen stated. Tom: And if I remembered who Ryu was or which side he was on, this might mean something to me. > "We're tailing him now, >even as we speak. Mike: [Yoriko] Wow, we're pretty efficient. > If he is working for the SDF behind our backs, >give the kill order." > Crow: [Helffen] If he isn't, order me a sandwich. I'm starving! >"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," replied Yoriko. > Tom: [Helffen] Very good. Here's a lollipop! Mike: [Yoriko] Yummy, red! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gen. Torymura had gotten the full report from Ryu of the NIRAA's >plot to steal the Neo-Zero prototype, and now he was ready to >take action. > Mike: SWIFT, RADICAL, SURGE action! Tom: [Torymura] Units four and five will monitor Dunkin' Doughnuts, and unit six will pick up the pizzas. Crow: Didn't we sign a "no doughnuts joke" contract? Tom: That was with the other guy. Null and Void as far as I'm concerned. >"This is serious," he began; "If the NIRAA seizes the prototype, >nothing in the SDF arsenal can stop it. Mike: [Torymura] Well, maybe that old battleship that we've converted into a spaceship. But nothing else! > We will need to get some >additional help. If the rumors are true about what I heard about >the Sailor Senshi, they may be our only hope against the NIRAA." > Tom: Well, as a wise man once said, "Screw the A-bomb, we need Shabon Spray!" Crow: You'd think the Japanese government would be better prepared. Mike: Come on guys, obviously he needs an excuse to get the Senshi involved and this is plausible. Sort of. >"I think I know someone who can contact them;" replied Ryu. Mike: [Ryu] This guy named Jimmy Olsen has a signal watch, and... > "His >name is Chiba Mamoru. Crow: It is? My god! The poor devil! > He's in the self- defense class I teach at >the Morita Dojo. Tom: Right next to Arnold's. > If what I suspect of him is true, I can get the >Sailor Senshi on our side." > Tom: If Ken Starr were Japanese! >"Proceed," ordered Gen. Torymura. "The fate of Japan rests on >your shoulders, Ryu." > Crow: But he's not a young boy in disturbing shorts! Something is fundamentally flawed here! >Ryu departed, not noticing that the receptionist had overheard >everything that had happened. She was an NIRAA ninja spy, Tom: [Don Pardo] Tune in next time for more adventures of - SAMURAI SECRETARY!!!! > and >was now sending a secret message by a secret relaying device Mike: Called a "pager". > to >NIRAA headquarters. > Tom: I bet she's a master of the ancient ninja art of collating. Crow: OK, so double agent Ryu has to contact a karate studio before the NRA starts printing PDFs? Mike: No, the NRA is going to attend SIFF. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Japan Air Lines, how may I help you?," asked a ticket agent on >the phone Akbar was ordering his ticket.. > Crow: [Akbar] Non-smoking. [pause] Aisle. [pause] Chicken. [pause] Hijacking. D'oh! >"This is Akbar el-Salaam," he began; "I would like to book a >seat on the Saturday flight from Narita to Berlin." Luckily for >Akbar, this was his first hijacking, Mike: Awww..... Tom: They grow up so fast! > and there would be no record >of him by any of the aviation or law enforcement authorities on >file. Crow: [sarcasm] And he could *never* give a false name. Sheesh! Tom: Cheating like that just cheapens the whole hijacking process! > Until now, Akbar had been content with the occasional >strafing of Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem and throwing >rocks at Israeli troops. Crow: Hey, I don't remember this part from Star Wars! Tom: Wrong Akbar, Crow. > Now he was in the big leagues. > Mike: So, the Yanks are going to sweep him in four? >"What class?," the agent asked. > Tom: Technically, he could say "no class" and get away with it. >Akbar answered, "First class." > Tom: I don't picture many terrorists flying first class. Mike: Steinbrenner? Tom: I stand corrected. >The agent replied, "Smoking or non-smoking?" > Mike: Non. At least until the bomb goes off. Crow: If this turns into one of those blasted Michelob ads.... >"I thought all flights were now non-smoking," inquired Akbar. > >"That's only for United States airlines, sir," replied the agent. > Tom: *We* still allow you to slowly poison yourself and others. >"Non-smoking," answered Akbar. > Tom: Another piece of data for when you play "The Misty Scarecrow Neon-Zima Doohickey Boomerang Deadweight Trivia Game." >"OK," the agent said; "you can pick up your ticket at the gate on >the morning of departure. Thanks you for flying Japan Air Lines, >and have a nice flight." > Mike: [Akbar] You seem so cold and distant now. Was I just a sale to you? Was that all our time together meant? Crow: If only she'd asked "Thermonuclear or non-Thermonuclear?", the whole story could've ended right here! >"It will be nice all right," Akbar sneered as he hung up the >phone. "My destination will be with Allah in Paradise." > Mike: He just has a connecting flight in Berlin. Tom: So, to sum up... Akbar orders a ticket. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai was holding a rally at the Ginza, Tokyo's >entertainment district. Crow: Yeah, this is where all the talking toilets and vomiting monkeys hone their craft before making the big time. > There was a huge crowd. PA speakers >were everywhere, as well as streamers and signs. Tom: [Nagai] I welcome you to Open Lanes Night! Shoe rentals half-off until eight! > Nagai was >making a speech where it seemed he'd promise sushi in everyone's >heated dinner table or a full rice cooker if that would make >Japan prosperous again. > Crow: Later, he promised a Newer Dealie to everyone if he were elected. >"My friends," Gov. Nagai began, "we can make Japan better than it >is now. Mike: Better. Stronger. Faster. [All hum "$6,000,000 Man" theme] > We just need the courage to take the difficult steps >that need to be taken. Let us go forward with that vision." > Mike: [raising hand warily] Um, actually, I left my contacts in last night? My vision's kinda blurry. >Tetsuo was going down the street and noticed the rally. He then >looked at a balcony across the street. He noticed something >sinister going on. Mike: Simon Bar Sinister, to be precise. Tom: [Simon Bar Sinister] Once Underdog is out of the way, Cad, I'll RULE THE WORLD! > A man dressed entirely in black was setting >up a high-powered rifle. Tom: Will Smith finally snaps. > He was going to assassinate Gov. Nagai! > Crow: Or he really wanted to get rid of his cockroaches. Mike: Was he dressed like a Klingon? Tom: Please, no Star Trek 6 references. >Quickly, Tetsuo ran to a nearby alley. He raised his hands as in >supplication to the sun. > Mike: And was instantly smited. >"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee thy mortal servant the power of the >Solar Warrior!," he shouted. > Mike: Hello! And thank you for calling the Sun's Customer Service Hotline! For information on your account balance, press 1! To complain about an eclipse, press 2! For endowment of superpowers, press 3! >Instantly it seemed that Tetsuo was engulfed in flames, Tom: And, in fact, he was! > and a >transformation took place. Crow: Tetsuo had become a busty blonde in a tight leather skirt. [Mike & Tom look at him funny] Crow: What?!? > He emerged in red robotic armor with >a yellow sunburst on the chest. He leapt up to the balcony. > Mike: And promptly fell off. >"Miscreant!," he yelled; Tom: Bang! > "Stop where you are! Tom: Bang! > I am the Solar >Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun! Tom: Bang! Bang! Bang! > In >the name of the Sun, you will be judged!" Tom: Bang! Blast! I need to reload. Mike: Keep firing. You'll hit something eventually. > >The assassin growled and fired, but the bullets ricocheted off >the armor. > Mike: Slaying 14 innocent bystanders. >The Solar Warrior then yelled, "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!" Mike: Man, I wish there were more mute superheroes in Japan. Tom: Yeah, more mute, less *dumb*. > >Two discs, one on each gauntlet, glowed, then discharged. The >assassin was incinerated. > Crow: Okay, it might have been nice to interrogate him and find out who the assassin was working for, but, hey, burning him is cool too. >The crowd saw what happened. Tom: So they can all see the balcony, but no one saw the assassin setting up. But Tetsuo the Iron Man - Mike: Solar Warrior. Tom: Whatever. Tetsuo spots him no problem? Crow: You're looking for sense in the wrong place, Tommy Boy. > They had just realized that this >mystery hero had just saved Gov. Nagai from certain death. Tom: Well, he's still gonna die; just not *now*. > The >Solar Warrior disappeared, leaving a cheering crowd shouting >"BANZAI!" behind. > Mike: [random person] Is he gone? Tom: [random person] Uh....yup. All: BANZAI!!!! >"Find this person," Gov. Nagai said to one of his aides. "I >might have a position for him in my campaign." > Mike: [Nagai] I think I've just found my new Secretary of Roasting Potential Assassins Alive! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ami was just finishing packing up for her trip. In just three >days, she was off to Berlin. > Tom: [Ami] It will be so strange, going to a country so much freer with its emotions. Thankfully, that good German beer will loosen me up a bit. >"Think you might want this, Honey?," a voice said as it entered >the room. Mike: [Ami] Sure, disembodied voice! > It was Ami's mother. > Tom: Oh! Crow: It must be tough, just having a voice for a mom. >Ami turned around and saw her old teddy bear. > Crow: So her mom is a teddy bear with a disembodied voice? Man, and folks think "X-Files" is weird! Mike: Awww! That looks like my old, teddy, Mr. Disemboweler. [The bots stare at Mike.] >"Mom, I don't need that teddy bear," said an embarrassed Ami; >"Really!" > Mike: Yes, there comes a time in every child's life when they must put their parents in the toy box with the blocks and jump ropes. >"It was always your good luck charm," continued her mother. "I >want you to do well over there in Germany. I want you to make >your father and me proud. Tom: [Mom] Otherwise, you're out of the will. > I can't believe you're going away in >three days." > >"I'll miss you, Mom," said Ami, "but I'll e-mail you and all my >friends and family every week. I promise." > Crow: [Ami] I've got tons of chain letters I haven't forwarded yet. >Ami finished packing., then said, "I'd better get to bed." > Crow: [Mom] But dear, it's only 8 am..... >"Good night, Ami," her mother said. Ami then took off her >clothes and her bra. All: YAAGH! Mike: I hope her mom left first. Crow: Are you guys having "Soultaker" flashbacks too? All: Uh huh. > She stood next to the open window and felt >the cool evening wind against her face and breasts. Mike: Ahem! Tom: Another creepy moment of unfocused desire, brought to you by Fanfiction, Ltd. > It felt so >good after such a hot late summer's day. She stood like that for >a few minutes, Tom: Letting the aforementioned Peeping Toms get a good look... > then slipped on her nightshirt, a football jersey- >looking blue shirt with a white "15" on it, and went to bed. > Mike: Well if you're gonna let the neighborhood look, I guess a looking shirt is what you'd wear. >Mizuno Ami didn't know then what Hell she was going to go >through. > Tom: [Karl Malden] But she knew when she got there, her American Express Traveler's Checks would be accepted like cash! Mike: Let's take a little break here - we've been through enough Hell for the time being. [All leave] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike and Tom are playing "Settlers of Cataan". Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: OK, that's a 6, so I get a sheep. Tom: Huh. Neat! [Crow edges into the shot. He's wearing a stupid-looking seirafuku.] Crow: Hey guys. [Both look at Crow. They don't seem to care very much.] Tom: [dully] Hey Crow. [indicating dice] Mike? Mike: Sure. [rolls for Tom] OK, 10, so you get two sheep. Crow: [as if asked] Well it's funny you should ask! I was walking down the hydroponics bay, when who should I meet but the magic cat from the Sailor Moon show! [Mike and Tom are not engaging him. Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Hey, cool! We both get sheep! Crow: No, it's true! And since one of the senshi is pursuing a career in refrigerator repair at DeVries, she made me a Sailor Senshi! Tom: Right, Crow. So, you're, what? Sailor Io, Sailor Van Allen Belt? Crow: Turns out, I'm Sailor Dark Matter! I make up 98% of the mass of the universe, but the cool part is I may not even exist! Mike: Uh-huh. And the magic cat? Crow: Oh. Um, well, she got kind of hissy afterwards, and said she was gonna bite the next person she met? And then she turned invisible. So... don't look for her. Mike: Right. [Mike rolls the dice.] Mike: Huh. Well that's stone. Tom: And how many sheep we get for that? Mike: None. Tom: Seems kinda pointless, Mike. Mike: You're right. Better re-roll. Crow: So! Any superheroing you guys need doing? Mike: Hmm... nope. Don't think so. Tom: Well there is that mess of broken crates that needs to be cleared from Pod Bay Three, Mike. Mike: Oh, right. And the hydraulic system on the port side could use a change-out. Crow: [deflated] Oh. Well... actually, I could? But there's this thing, where superheroes can't personally profit from their powers? Mike: Oop! Say no more! Crow: And since I live here and all... Mike: No no! Not another word! I wouldn't want you violating your code! Now whose turn is it? [Suddenly we hear a *PING!*, and a five-foot pile of blue jello with a single eye and three tentacles pops onto the bridge.] Mike & Tom: Yah! Crow: [in terror] Mommy! [Crow dives beneath the desk. The Alien (voice by Kevin Murphy) speaks.] Alien: I am Proton! Ruler of the planet Proton! I come to challenge your bravest superhero in mortal combat! That means- to the death! Tom: Well hey! Talk about timing! [Crow pops back up, without the costume.] Crow: Hi again! The invisible magic cat said they needed to lower headcount by offering an early retirement package? So I'm not a Senshi anymore. Alien: Damn! Don't suppose she's still here? Crow: Um... she... had to get to the home office. In Utica. Alien: I'm there! [The alien pops back out with another All wait for a beat.] Crow: [approaching game] So can I get in? Tom: Sure! Mike: We'll start over. [Buzzers flash. All start running.] Mike: Oh, no, we got MISERY SIGN!!! Crow: Don't trip on the invisible cat! [Mike trips.] Invisible Cat: ROOOWR! Mike: D'oh! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [All re-enter] Mike: So much for your Sailor career, Crow. Crow: It's a shame too. Those Senshi have a kicking 401k program. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick > Tom: Exit Servo Miserable Tom. [Tom gets up to leave, Mike restrains him.] Mike: Forget it, Tom. >The mansion that Ami was living in was pretty spacious, by >Japanese standards. Crow: So, it's about the size of the average Midwestern garage then? Mike: It's still bigger than any apartment in New York City. > Ami woke up, flung off her nightshirt, and >took a good look at herself in the mirror. Mike: [Ami] Hmm...that's an interesting rash. > For an egghead, she >had quite an attractive body, Tom: Rather a shapely shell on that egghead. Crow: Quit yolking around, Tom. Mike: You guys are going to do that ova and ova, aren't you? > even if she was small-breasted. Tom: The whole fic's going to be like this, isn't it, Mike? Mike: I think we're gonna have to strap in for the long haul. >Daria had settled in the next room, which was used as a guest >room. Ami took off her panties, Mike: YAAGH! Crow: Ah! Starting her day off with a full frontal shot! Smart lass! Tom: Yes, now she'll have the energy for a full day of nude! > put on her robe, and went to the >bathroom. > Mike: Please, please, please. Spare us the details of what goes on in there. >As she was soaping herself up in the shower, Ami thought about >everything that had gone on for the past five years or so. Mike: Yeah, she remembered all the reused transformation sequences, all of Usagi's speeches, all of Mamoru's inspirational words.... Crow: [Ami] Thank god I'm getting out of here while I still can..... > It >had it horrifying moments as well as its triumphs, but now it >seemed she was going to put this behind her for at least the next >four years or so. Tom: Oh, come on. Just shoot her already. We know this bit. Crow: Yup. Superheroes retiring just means they're about to meet the *really* dangerous villain. Mike: It's all just plot shorthand for, "With awesome power comes awesome responsibility". > As she stepped out of the shower again, she >looked at herself again. Crow: [Ami] Hmmm... maybe I'll get these enlarged while I'm in Germany... > Maybe Minako was right: she should cut >loose once in a while. All: Whooohooo! > Maybe before she leaves, she should go >out with some guy; she had a new blouse and miniskirt combo that >she was dying to try out. Tom: Or maybe she'll just get plastered and stalk Leonardo DiCaprio. > As she put her robe on again and >stepped out of the bathroom, Daria was waiting to enter. Crow: [Daria] UP YOURS! Oops, sorry. Thought you were the cat. > She >looked beady-eyed without her eyeglasses, and was wearing a T- >shirt and shorts as nightwear. > Crow: She forgot her glasses? Uh oh! Tom: I sense a Mr. Magoo moment about to happen... >"Had a good sleep, Daria?," Ami asked. > >"OK, but I still have major jet lag," replied Daria. > Mike: [commercial] Major Jetlag, and the Major Jetlag Action Team Playset! Tom: [quickly] Dolls sold separately. >"You'll get used to it," answered Ami; Crow: [Ami] I've been jet-lagged for years, but I still lead a useful, productive life. > "By the way, I hope you >adjusted your watch properly; remember, Japan does not observe >Daylight Savings Time like you do back in the United States." > Tom: [Daria] Japanese Freaks. >"So I've heard," said Daria. "When do we leave for our first >class?" > Crow: [Daria] I wanna practice my witty rejoinders. >"Soon," was Ami's reply. "And I hope you will wear the seifuku I >gave you; it's our school uniform." > Crow: You see, Mike. The Japanese are huge fans of Donald Duck so they have their schoolkids dress up like him. Tom: Except the kids wear pants. Short ones, of course. Mike: Thanks. I think my knowledge of Japanese culture is now complete. >"I still say it looks stupid on me," shot back Daria. > Mike: [Daria] It doesn't have nearly enough black on it! >Ami asked her, "Daria, do you actually wear those army fatigues, >black skirt and combat boots to school back home?" > Crow: Army fatigues? It's just a dark green blouse, for heaven's sake. Tom: Yeah! I mean, when Mike's wearing his red jump suit, do we ask, "Hey Mike, is it Lobster Appreciation Day or something?" Mike: Yes. Every time, in fact. Tom: Oh. I didn't think you noticed. >"Yes, I do," Daria said. Crow: [Daria] Every day! Apparently they're the only clothes they know how to animate. > "It sends a message." > >"What message is that?," Ami wanted to know. > Tom: "Shop Chuck's Army-Navy Surplus and get a 15% discount". >Daria replied, "That I may be feminine, but I'm also tough as >nails." > Crow: I like Tom's better. Mike: Me too. >"If you ever go out on the town," Ami continued, "there's some >very good drop-dead minidresses I have that would look very good >on you. Mike: [Daria] Are they black leather with metal studs? Well, they better go with army boots... > And, by the way, have you ever considered wearing >contact lenses?" > Crow: Ami must not have seen that episode. >"Too much trouble keeping them clean," replied Daria. > >"Other than that, you do look beautiful," replied Ami admiringly. > Mike: This is turning into the setup for a Springer episode... Crow: Smart Sailor Senshi and the women they love, next on Springer. >"Thanks;" said a surprised Daria; "it's not everyday somebody >says that about me. Crow: [Daria] It's not everyday anyone says *anything* to me. I'm so very, very lonely, Ami! > They usually call me 'The Misery Chick.'" > Mike: [Daria] Which is weird, because I don't look a thing like Kathy Bates, y'know? >"Well, I guess we'd better get the lead out and get dressed for >school," stated Ami. > Mike: [Ami] I wanna see which mecha B-ko uses today! >"Right," responded Daria. "I hope you didn't use all the hot >water." > Mike: Use it? No. I showed it a very good time, and we parted friends. >"There should be some left," said Ami, somehow unsure of herself. > Tom: Well, she better not raise her hand then. >However, as Daria began to use the shower, she was greeted with a >blast of Arctic-cold water. "That's the story of my life," she >said. > Crow: She uses a banal allegory! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >As they arrived for their first class, Ami and Daria noticed that >Usagi was going to be late again. > Mike: Daria can't really notice she's late *again*. It's her first class. >"What else is new," sneered Osaka Naru, whose mother ran a >jewelry store. Crow: She must not have any hair. Tom: That's cool. Gotta dig the bald chicks. > "Usagi is always late. She's like that school >girl Magami Eiko on 'Project A-ko'. Tom: Ah, the Japanese A-Team, starring Pat Morita as Hannibal! > She always wakes up late for >school, rushes like a maniac and still winds up being late for >her first class. Crow: [Osaka] Even being splashed with all those electrified chemicals by that lightning bolt didn't help!. > If only she had superhuman strength, superhuman >speed and had Kotobuki Shiko in tow, as well as long-flowing red >hair, the image would be perfect." > Mike: Hey, now *there's* a sentence no one's used before. Crow: If only I was anime fanbot, it might elicit a chuckle. >"I've seen every film in that series," boasted Umino Gurio, the >geeky guy who was Naru's boyfriend. "A-ko, B-ko and C-ko are >real funny!" > Mike: [Gurio] Of course, I am also easily distracted by shiny... oooh! Is that a nickel? >"And you must be 'The Upchuck of Japan!,'" sneered Daria. > Mike: It's the Upchuck from Japan vs. the Upchuck from America in a brutal battle to determine the Upchuck of Tomorrow! Crow: I'll get the sawdust.... >"What's an 'Upchuck?,'" Gurio asked. > Tom: Something I'm going to do when I get out of the theater. Crow: And what's Japan? Or Vietnam, for that matter. >"Nevermind," replied Daria. > Tom: [Guiro] Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hell no! >Ms. Sakurada Haruna, who was the English teacher, stepped in the >room. She noticed that it was time to start class. > Crow: So she quickly downed a sedative and said.... >"Oh, that Usagi's going to be late again, as usual, I see," began >Ms. Sakurada. "Well, that hasn't stopped me before. Mike: [teacher] But today is a new day, perhaps it will stop me now. Would that not be something, Ami, for it to stop me now after so many times when it could have and did not, hmm? > Shall we >begin class? Tom: [kid] You want permission? Well... no? > We've got a new student here today who will take >Ami's place after she leaves for her medical studies in Germany. >Care to introduce yourself?" > Mike: Nah, we already did that in the theme song.... >Daria stepped up to the front of the room. > Crow: [Daria] Hello, I'm Daria....and I'm an alcoholic. All: Hi Daria! >"My name's Daria Morgendorffer," she began. "I'm from Lawndale >High School on a foreign exchange program. Tom: Okay, so Daria's going from the US to Japan. Mike: Yeah. Tom: And Ami's going from Japan to Germany. Mike: Yeah. Tom: So who does America get? Mike: I'm guessing that Dieter and his monkey will be showing up in Lawndale soon... > I hope that I will do >well in your school and not be treated like an outcast like I am >back home." Crow: Well, you're off to a good start. > She bowed and resumed her seat. > Tom: [Japanese] Hwah? Look at that, she did not apologize or beg our pardon or excuse herself profusely! All: [same] SHA-A-A-AME! >"Well, that was short and sweet," Ms. Sakurada responded. Crow: Sounded kinda bitter to me. >Suddenly, Usagi bolted into the room. > Tom: [Usagi] Say Jerry, I have a great idea. A perfume that smells like the ocean! >"Sorry I'm late, Ms. S! The bus was late!," was Usagi's rather >pathetic reply. > Mike: [Alex Trebek] Ooh, I'm sorry but that is incorrect. >"Usagi, you are so pathetic," shot back Ms. Sakurada. Mike: Hence, the previous descriptor. Tom: Oh, what a *great* teacher. Crow: Geez, no wonder Usagi's always late. > "You will >wait outside in the hallway until class is over, then you and I >are going to have a little talk in my office, young lady!" > Crow: [Usagi] You have an office? Tom: [Sakurada] Er, no. Just go and wait in my Pinto then, you little..... >"Does this happen every time?," Daria asked Ami. > >"I'm afraid so," Ami answered. > Crow: [Ami] After all, it's their characterization. Tom: I'm confused. Are they all speaking English? If so, their English must pretty good, what with all the colloquial expressions and all. If not, when did Daria become fluent in Japanese? Mike: Your point? Tom: Ummm. None, really. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Later that day, school had let out for the day. All of the >Sailor Senshi were going down the street, chatting girl talk. > Tom: [Rei] So, I said to Madge, I says.... Crow: [Minako] And then she says, you're soaking in it! Mike: [Usagi] Guyyyy..... >"So, Ami, do you want a big going-away party before you leave, or >what?," Usagi asked. > Crow: [Usagi] Maybe we'll invite that hermaphrodite chap again! >"Usagi, please don't make a big deal about it," pleaded Ami; >"I'll get a chance to see you during such times as inter-semester >breaks, holidays and such. Mike: As long as you clear it with my lawyers first. > Besides, I've never felt comfortable >about going-away parties." > Mike: [Ami] They give me gas! >"How do you feel about having the type of party like we have back >home in the United States?," Daria asked. Crow: [Daria] The sort where you stare at me and ask who invited *her*? > "I guess you've heard >about the types of parties high school kids have on Friday and >Saturday nights." > >"What do you mean?," Ami asked. > Crow: [Daria] How the hell should I know? I've never been to one. >Daria began her description: > >"Stale potato chips, warm beer, flat soda, loud heavy metal >music, guys and gals making out--" > Mike: How much do you want to bet that a certain person never got invited to those types of parties? Crow: Heck, neither did our authors. Heh, heh... [Crow's giggling abruptly ends as his chair malfunctions and catapults him into the far wall. Crow shakily crawls back into frame.] Crow: I think we need to get that chair fixed. >"DON'T GO ON!," shrieked an embarrassed Ami. > Crow: Geez. The Amish are less reserved than Ami. >"Ami, your cheeks are blushing!," giggled Hotaru. > Tom: [Hotaru] Tee hee, how awkward! >"They are not!," roared Ami. > >Just then, shots were heard at a nearby Mitsubishi Bank branch, >and two armed robbers were running at full speed. Crow: Thank you plot device! > When they got >near the building, they saw that a security officer was shot to >death. > Mike: Well, people very rarely get shot to life. >"This looks like a job for the Sailor Senshi!," Usagi exclaimed. > Tom: [Usagi] So go get 'em guys! >The Sailor Senshi began their transformation sequences: > Tom: Instead of calling the police, like any normal person. >"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE-UP! [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] >"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Bots: MAKE- Mike: *cough* *cough* Geez, okay, enough with the corny old jokes! >"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: How'd you manage to do that? Tom: We got one of the Nanites to help. Crow: Yeah, Shecky's always up for a good cheap laugh. >"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Can't one of them just say "ibid"? >"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: [father] You two *make up* and quiet down or so help me I will stop this car! >"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Gah! How many of these people are there? Crow: 47. Tom: When you hear Sailor Krankor, we're near the end. >"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Meanwhile the robbers have hopped in their cars, driven twenty miles away, buried the loot, gotten plastic surgery... >Each Sailor Senshi had underwent her transformation; now it was >Daria's turn. > Crow: [Daria, monotone] super duper lawndale something something. Tom: [Daria] I'm not much of a make-up person. >"Here goes nothing!," she said. Tom: [Daria] STARBUCK'S COFFEE GROUSING POWER, FREAK OUT! > "SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE- >UP!" > >Daria was soon transformed into Sailor Mercury. > Crow: Soon. Next Tuesday, maybe. >"Daria, activate your VR equipment and track down the robbers," Mike: [Ami] Then there's this cool program I've got involving Brad Pitt and a llama... >Ami instructed. A blue visor appeared on Daria. She was soon >getting a reading. > Crow: You'll be moving to Florida soon. Tom: How did you know that?!? I'm convinced! Mike: Call Daria's Super Psychic Sailor Senshi Hotline today! >"They went that way," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] We'll just follow the blood trail! >"All right, then, let's move it!", said Sailor Moon, who was in >her Eternal Mode, with wings. Mike: She has more absorption that way. > She flew ahead of them. > Crow: Yeah, great. Remember, Usagi, fly real close to the sun! And drink plenty of wholesome nutritious malt liquor before takeoff next time! >The robbers, meanwhile, had a couple of Tokyo Metropolitan Police >Department officers on their tail. > Mike: Steve Guttenberg and Bubba Smith in "Police Academy X: Tokyo Beat"! >"Halt, in the name of the law!," one of the officers roared. > Tom: [cop] Um, wait! That's so autocratic. Halt, because it's in both your long-term and near-term interests! >"Eat lead, copper!," roared one of the crooks back. Crow: Eat chromium, potassium! Tom: Eat magnesium, palladium! Mike: Eat calcium, phosphorus! > He took a >gun and shot the cop down. Tom: That would be the gun he was carrying earlier, right? Mike: Could be. > The other cop went to help him. He >took his portable radio and said, "Officer down! Officer down!" > Mike: [Cartman] We got Charlies, up in the trees! >"You're next, blue pig!," Tom: When you start seeing pink elephants and blue pigs, it's time to take the pledge. > said the other crook as he put his .45 >Magnum against his temple. > Mike: Wouldn't it be more effective if he put the gun to the police officer's temple? >"Hold it right there, crooks!," said a nearby voice. Tom: Bang! Crow: [Usagi] Oh, blast. > "I am the >pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice. All: [Senshi] AHEM. >And these are the Sailor Senshi. All: [Senshi] Thank you. > In place of the Moon, we will >punish you!" > Crow: Oh, isn't the moon *lucky* to have a little *kiss-up* do its dirty work! >Each of the other Sailor Senshi made her introductory speeches as >well. Tom: Unfortunately, none were good enough to go onto the finals. > It was now time for Daria to make hers: > Mike: [Daria] UP YOURS! >"I am Sailor Mercury, Misery Chick of Justice! In the name of >Mercury, I'm going to nag you to death!" > Mike: Oh crap, Daria just turned into my mom. Tom: Ewww..... Crow: [Woody Allen] So, there I was, in the middle of downtown Tokyo, and all of a sudden, this little girl appeared, and she was channeling the spirit of my mother. She was kind of cute too... >"What the Hell. . ." Sailor Moon found herself saying. > Crow: I know just how she feels. >But there was no time to waste. > Mike: They used it all making speeches. >"Eat lead, Sailor Senshi!," yelled the first crook. > Mike: What is this? 1920s Chicago? Tom: It's the Edward G. Robinson gang! Crow: Yah, see! Nobody takes Mugsy alive! Nobody! >Just then, a red rose dart hit the ground. > Mike: Oh, looks like they interrupted a game of lawn darts. >"You shoot, and it will be the last thing you ever do," Tuxedo >Mask said as he stepped out of the shadows. > Crow: Well, he does have the gun pointed at his own head... >"Here comes the calvary!," Daria said sarcastically. > Tom: How'd they get to Golgotha all of a sudden? >Recently, the Sailor Senshi had been given some new powers, and >now they were going to be put to the test. > Mike: So this encounter is like the Persian Gulf was for the US. Crow: Test new weapons on easy targets? Mike: Bingo! >Sailor Moon was going to be first. She yelled, "MOON THUNDER >PUNCH!" With that, she threw her fist, Mike: It detaches? > and it knocked both >crooks off their feet. > Mike: See, the best thing about these people is that they always announce what they're going to do before they do it. Very polite and considerate of them. Crow: [crooks] Wait! Time out! We weren't ready! Mulligan! >Sailor Venus was next. Tom: Though you couldn't see her due to her dense cloud layer. > "SUPER VENUS BLINDSIDER ATTACK!," she >screamed. With that a blinding light issued from her hands, >temporarily blinding the crooks. > Crow: SUPER SOL FANCTION DESTRUCTO RAY! Tom: AWESOME WISCONSIN CHEESE ERASER! Mike: Nice try guys, but it's still here. >Daria was still new at this, so she decided to use one of Sailor >Mercury's old powers. Tom: Thankfully she didn't lose the manual that came with the suit. Mike: Greatest Japanese Heroine? Tom: That's the one. > She shouted, "SHABON SPRAY. . .FREEZING!" >The crooks were frozen solid. > >"Hmmm, just like in 'Duke Nukem 3D'!," she quipped. Tom: No strippers though. > Then, she >went up to them, and kicked them. They shattered into little >pieces. > [Everybody winces] Mike: I think that counts as excessive force... >"Your face, your ass, what's the difference!," she sneered. > Tom: Wow! They must be *really* ugly crooks! >The rest of the Sailor Senshi stood in disbelief, with their >mouths wide open. > Mike: She kills without mercy! o/~La la, LA-la, la! o/~ Tom: So Daria turns out to be a homicidal manic-depressive Sailor Senshi? Mike: Apparently. Crow: I have a theory. Mike: Proceed Crow: [clears throat] _Ahem_ In this fanfic, the author might be living out his fantasies vicariously through Daria. Witness: She is regarded as being attractive by her peers, everyone thinks she is funny and intelligent, and she gets time off school to go to Japan and hang around the Sailor Senshi. Tom: Huh. Crow: Oh, and someone plays Duke Nukem. Mike: I think we need a break. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Too late! Line sign! >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Later, back at Sendai Hill Shrine, Daria was being reprimanded >for her actions. > Crow: And now the House Impeachment Managers have entered the picture. >"Daria," Usagi began, "what you did was highly inappropriate! >Sailor Senshi don't act that way!" > Mike: Yeah, isn't Usagi the only one that gives speeches? Crow: [Usagi] We only kill for Love and Justice, not cheap comedic effect. >"Usagi's right," Luna added. "You have to stop acting >sarcastically! Tom: Why? It's the most potent weapon in this universe. > You're just lucky the TMPD decided that the use >of deadly force was justified in the case." > Mike: Oh yeah, the way those crooks stood there frozen solid clearly constituted a threat to your health and well-being. >"Next time, you may not be so lucky!," Artemis said. > Crow: If the Tokyo PD is anything like the ADP then she has nothing to worry about. >"You know," Daria replied, "all of you should go take a hike!" Mike: At least she didn't tell us "Up your nose with a rubber hose." That would have been insulting. >With that, Daria stormed away. > Crow: [Usagi] What about the hike? I know this nice wooded area where we can get a great cardiovascular workout! >"I'm beginning to think that Ami made a big mistake asking Daria >to take her place, Luna," Usagi said. > Tom: Thank you Miss State-The-Obvious. Crow: [Usagi] I'm also sensing hostility, Luna. >"Right now, we're stuck with her," Luna replied; Mike: Oh come on, there are 63 of you! You can go one short for a week! > "Ami's leaving >for Germany the day after tomorrow, so there's nothing much else >we can do for now." > Crow: Well, you could go the Crystal Knight route and use the disguise pen on Minako.... Mike: [Mr. Peabody] Quiet you! >"I just hope she can keep her temper in check, that's all," Usagi >said resignedly. > Crow: [Usagi] We're just trying to be dull emotionless cogs in the efficient machine press of society. Surely she can see that is good! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai was holding another rally, this time at the foot of >Tokyo Tower. Mike: [Japanese] Ah, yes, beneath Tokyo Tower is a very safe place to be! Our movies teach us nothing if not that! > Another huge crowd had gathered, and they were >shouting "NAGAI! NAGAI! NAGAI!", Crow: It sounds like Japanese for "DON'T!" > awaiting for the arrival of >the candidate. > Tom: o/~ Here she is, Miss America..... o/~ Mike: [man in crowd] Really? What a coincidence! I don't have a life, either! What are the odds of that, hmm? >In a nearby trailer, Gov. Nagai was speaking to the Solar >Warrior, whom he managed to locate shortly after he saved his >life. > Crow: Is this going to be another pointless scene ending with people shouting "BANZAI!" ? Tom: He must have a really crappy hideout if they found him that quick. >"Believe me, Solar Warrior," Gov. Nagai began, "I'm making a >generous offer. Tom: *Both* Skull Catapults for the Mox Pearl! You won't get any better than that! > Besides, if I'm elected and my proposal goes >through, you could find yourself in a good position in >government." > Crow: There *is* one? >"My allegiance is with Amaterasu-Omikami," responded the Solar >Warrior. Mike: [Solar] Although I'll be a free agent at the end of the '02 season. > "I have served her for untold millennia, back when >there was no Japan as we know it. Tom: So, he went around judging trilobites? Mike: Well, he did say 'untold millennia'.... > You must understand that I >serve my goddess first, then my nation." > Mike: Then he serves the interests of Stop 'n' Go, Inc. Tom: Actually, you should always serve from the left, and the host goes last. >"Of course," Gov. Nagai said. "The Americans have a saying for >that: Crow: Bite me? Mike: Give me liberty or give me death? Tom: Frankie says, "Relax"? > 'For God and Country.' Far be it from me to tell you to >quit the employ of your mistress. All I'm asking is for you to >head this agency I'm proposing. Mike: [Nagai] There's a 401K plan and full Dental... > If all goes well, we'll make the >best law enforcement apparatus in the world even better." > Mike: They say if you build a better law enforcement apparatus the world will beat a path to your door. Crow: [looks at Mike, confused] They do? >"Very well," said the Solar Warrior. "If it will serve to >advance both my faith and my nation, so be it." > Tom: Sucker! >"I'm glad to see we're at agreement," Gov. Nagai said, relieved. >"Might as well tell my adoring public about this." > Crow: [Nagai] Hey guys! That freak with the Crock Pot on his head's workin' for me now! >Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the entire campaign staff >stepped out of the trailer and onto the platform set up for the >occasion. Tom: Then the platform collapsed under their weight, killing them all horribly and ending at least one miserably pointless cul-de-sac in this story. The end. > Stepping up to the podium, Gov. Nagai began to speak: > Mike: [Nagai] Pabulum! Pabulum. Hyperbole! Empty promises! Pabulum. >"My friends, I have someone here you may be familiar with. Crow: Here he is, fresh from living La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin! > This >is the brave hero who stopped the assassin who was determined to >end my life yesterday. He calls himself the Solar Warrior. Mike: The assassin? Crow: Nooooo..... > I >owe my life to this person, and there's only one way I can pay >him back. Mike: But since he doesn't want his weight in buttermilk biscuits, I've given him a job instead! > I've decided to name him as my chief of security >during my campaign. He deserves this honor." > Crow: Oh? What did your former security chief deserve? Mike: Let's not try to answer that question, guys. Tom: Oh, but I have *so many* suggestions, Mike. >"Further, I hereby announce that if I am elected, Mike: [Nagai] I'll immediately place blame on him. > one of the >first things I plan to introduce in the Diet is a bill creating a >new Agency of Superhuman Activity Co-Ordination. Mike: I guess it will be headed by Astro City's Samaritan. > Such an agency >would help the various superhumans and superhuman groups work >together with our local and national police forces to help stop >some of the bigger threats to our well-being and safety. Mike: [Old Lady] Oh, like that grunge look from Seattle? Crow: They're finally going after Hanson? > We >already have one of the lowest crime rates in the world; Tom: As can be seen by the cops getting blown away a few pages ago. > this >will ensure that it stays that way." > Tom: [Nagai] Even if we have to kill every single criminal out there. >The crowd cheered loudly. Shouts of "NAGAI!", "BANZAI!", Crow: Mai tai! Mike: Illini! Tom: And chicken pot pie! > and >"SOLAR WARRIOR!" filled the air as Gov. Nagai and the rest of his >campaign staff--the Solar Warrior included--left for campaign >headquarters. > Crow: I knew it! A pointless scene and screams of "BANZAI!" Mike: Guys help me. I was just wishing this fanfic had some of the simplicity of Mighty Jack. Tom: There, there, Honey. It'll be over soon. I mean, it's not like it'll last another 400 pages or anything. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ryu had made his way to Azabu-ku, Crow: North of Majin-Buu and Timbuktu. > where his friend Mamoru lived >in a rather well-appointed apartment. Tom: Wow, guys! His apartment is well-appointed, just like *Daria's* home was well-appointed! Isn't that something? To despair about in morose anguish, I mean. Mike: Oh yeah. > He rang the doorbell and >waited a few seconds. > Mike: [Ryu] One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three-- >"Ryu? What brings you here?," Mamoru asked. > Tom: [Mamoru] Oh damn, did I forget to open the door again? >"Is there anyone else here with you?," Ryu responded. > >"No," said Mamoru. > Crow: [Mamoru] And despite the fact that I'm a bachelor with a nice apartment and a great fashion sense, I'm still not gay! >"Good," Ryu replied as he stepped inside. Crow: [Mamoru] No, really! I dig chicks! Mike: [Ryu] I believe you. Now... Crow: [Mamoru] Wow! Whatta looker! Hubba-hubba! Say, where did you get that stylish tie...? Mike: [Ryu] Shut up already! > "What I have to tell >you is not to leave this room. Tom: Well, the foyer's not a room, technically... > I am actually an agent for the >Japanese Special Intelligence Bureau. Mike: [Ryu] We're looking for a bunch of guys in rubber suits who've been running around threatening to destroy Tokyo. They call themselves the Toho Gang. > I've been working on a >special assignment in regard to the activities of an organization >called the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association. Crow: {Ryu] We think they're hoping to force a merger with the NFL. > They're a >extreme right-wing organization that wants to return Japan to its >military-influenced wartime government. They plan to do so by >stealing the prototype of the new Mitsubishi Neo-Zero Advanced >Jet Fighter now being developed. Mike: [Ryu] Are you getting any of this? Crow: [Mamoru] Look, just because I have cats and live alone doesn't mean anything about my sexual ori... Mike: [Ryu] Look, one more outburst, and I'm going to Racer X with this info, got it? > They plan to use it to bomb >Tokyo to rubble unless the civilian government hands over power >to them. The SDF can't stop them alone, and neither can the >JSIB. Tom: And the CIA's too OD'ed on LSD! > We were hoping that you can contact the Sailor Senshi for >us; they may be our only hope." > Tom: [Mamoru] Well, we're doomed then. >"How do I know that you're being on the level with me on this >matter?," demanded Mamoru. > Crow: [gasping] You accuse a double agent of *lying*?! >"Because the JSIB has extensive knowledge of the Sailor Senshi's >activities," said Ryu. "We've got files on every member back to >their earliest childhood. Tom: [Ryu] We know all about the "Crayons in the VCR" incident! > If you're think we're joking, take a >look at this." > [Everybody gasps] Mike: Oo, a handsomely embossed business card that says, "He's Not Joking". Tom: From a professional printer! He would not pay the $25 set-up charge were he not serious! >Ryu gave him a file with the name "CHIBA MAMORU" on it. Bots: Chi-chi-chi-chiba! > He >opened it up and looked at it. Sure enough, all of it was there: >pictures of his parents; All: ACK! Crow: [Ryu] Oh sorry, that's our file on Monica Lewinsky...hehehehe... > of the car wreck that killed them; of >his days at the orphanage; of his activities as Tuxedo Mask; Mike: Of his midnight runs to the Stop-N-Slurp for copies of "Tiger Beat". > of >his activities as Endymion when he was brainwashed to work for >the Dark Kingdom; Tom: Huh. More likely they waved a shiny button in his face. > of his activities as Moonlight Knight; Crow: His point shaving schemes at UNLV... Tom: His ties with the Mafia...... Mike: And his biggest shame: crossover fanfiction writing. > of his >recent mysterious disappearance during a flight to the United >States. Crow: And the fact that he later turned up wearing nothing but a long red wig and a fishnet banana warmer. Mike & Tom: Ewwww! > It was all there. > Tom: [Mamoru] Oh wait! You left out my secret obsession with Brandi Chastain! Mike: [Ryu] Ah! So we did! (writes note in the file) Thanks Mamoru! Most of our extortion targets aren't this cooperative. >"How did you get these pictures?," demanded Mamoru. > Crow: A Nikon N70. >Ryu replied, "We have our ways, Mamoru. Mike: They involve chalupas, actually. > I have Usagi's file here >as well." He pulled it out and began perusing it. "Did you know >that when she was in kindergarten, Tom: She ate a lot of gravel? > she dumped a cup of chocolate >pudding on her best friend Osaka Naru because she called her a >'dweeb'? Or that she can't stand carrots? Crow: Oh, no! Not- *carrots*! Mike: [weepy] She'll be blackballed out of all the best cram schools! > Or that she's never >really been able to figure you out?" > Tom: It's because Mamoru's the wind, baby! >Mamoru said curtly, "Oh, and I bet you have her bra size in there >as well?" > Crow: Sure. Heck, it's on her driver's license. Mike: Bra size is the Japanese version of a Social Security number. >"Not even worth mentioning," dismissed Ryu. Crow: Oh, now *that's* really cold! > "You see, Mamoru, >we've got the goods on all of you. Mike: This is so much more effective than asking nicely, or appealing to their sense of duty. > This is a serious matter >we're talking about here. Now, we need to know if the Sailor >Senshi are on our side or not?" > Crow: Geez. This thing has more sides than a Zocchihedron. >"Very well, you win," said Mamoru resignedly. "We'll help you in >this matter. Tom: [Mamoru, pouting] We'll save your stupid country! Big babies. > But I want those files destroyed. If they ever >fall in the wrong hands, it could compromise our identities." > Crow: He seems not to care that the government knows so much about their private lives..... >"Consider it done, my friend," replied Ryu. "We will contact you >when we feel that we need your assistance. Until then, take >care." > Tom: [Ryu] Of course, it might be a while.....maybe never. Oh well, seeya! >Ryu left the apartment building, but he didn't take even five >steps when he turned around. Mike: [Ryu] Hell. I can't leave without coffee and a slice of his famous lemon cake! > Apparently, some NIRAA ninja spies >had been following him; Tom: What, they got it emblazoned on their chests? Crow: Sure, they're masters of the art of stealth and secrecy, but that doesn't mean they're not proud of their union. > they were dressed in black and had katana >blades, bo quarterstaffs, sais, nunchuckas and throwing stars. > Crow: All at once? Tom: [Ninja] Hi there! Could I interest you in our large selection of ninjitsu weaponry? >"You traitor!," said the leader of the group. "We should have >suspected from the beginning that you were a double agent! Mike: Then why didn't you kill him at the beginning? Sheesh.... > We'll >put an end to your miserable existence at once!" > Tom: It's really too bad they'll lose. Mike & Crow: Yeahhh...... >The ninja spies charged on him. Ryu stood his ground, Crow: Holding his own. > then >launched into a roundhouse kick that sent two of them crashing to >the ground. Tom: Jackie Chan! ... would like to disassociate himself from this scene. > Three more fell to blows to their solar plexus, and >two more fell to blows to the neck. Crow: [ninja] Dagnabit Earl! We shoulda *thrown* some of these throwing stars! I told you trying to make him swallow them was a waste of effort! > One more was left standing. >He decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and ran. > Mike: [Ryu] Crud...I never learned how to take out _one_ guy.... Crow: The famous ninja cowardice in action. >"Run like the coward you are!," Ryu shouted. Mike: [ninja] Ha! Little does he know I am running like my great coward hero, Egon from F-Troop! > He decided to >report this matter to Gen. Torymura at once. > Crow: [Ryu] Ayup, blackmailed Tux, insulted his girlfriend, killed some ninjas, and inflated my ego...Whew, busy night. Tom: Why didn't Mamoru hear them fighting? They were only five steps away! Mike: Shush... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Back at Lawndale, the high school football team was holding a >scrimmage. Crow: Against the cheerleaders. And losing! > The regular coach was sick with the flu, so Anthony >DeMartino, the neurotic social studies teacher, was filling in >for him. > Tom: Ah, the old "switch the coach with the most pyschotic member of the faculty" trick. They're sure to win now! Crow: [to Mike] I'd laugh but he's absolutely right. >Mack was calling the next play: > Mike: [Mack] All right, we're doing "Our Town" on the 15th! Tom: [calling signals] Life is different! Here in Grover's! Corners corners *corners!* >"34 red, 34 red, 45, 49, hike, hike!" > Tom: Never heard of that play.... Mike: Sondheim did that one. >Kevin was fading back for a pass, but then fumbled the ball. >Mack could only groan in disappointment. > Crow: No no no! Kevin, say your line: " I AM WILLY LOMAN, DAMMIT!". *Then* fumble the ball! >"Kevin," Mr. DeMartino said as his right eye bulged in anger, >"for a star quarterback, sometimes you play pathetically! Tom: I see a great future for you with the New York Giants! Crow: Y'know, the word "pathetic" and its derivatives seem to pop up a lot in this story. Just an observation. > How >are we going to win the big game Saturday against Highland if you >keep fumbling the ball?" > Mike: [Kevin] All part of my master plan! The other team scores so much, they go over a hundred, the scoreboard rolls over and they're back at zero! Crow: Ah. The dreaded "Y2K Play." Tom: Very zen, Kevin. >"Sorry, Mr. DeMartino," replied Kevin, "but I keep being >distracted seeing Brittany practicing her jumps over there." > Tom: [Kevin] They're....um, she's.....what was the question again? >Sure enough, Brittany was indeed practicing her jumps; Crow: She goes up, she comes down. What's to practice? > with the >tight sweater she was wearing, her breasts were jiggling like >crazy. > Crow: [singing] J-e-l-l-o. >Up in the stands sat Jane, Quinn, Jane's brother Trent, Jodie and >Upchuck; Mike: The View! > his real name was Charles Ruttheimer, but since he was >so perverted and geeky, he was called Upchuck. Tom: As "Geeky Perverted Boy" had already been taken. > Quinn was >expecting the other members of the Fashion Club to arrive >shortly. > Mike: Soon, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer and Tyra Banks showed up, and a good time was had by all. >"What a boring scrimmage!," Quinn started. Tom: [Quinn] I have half a mind to leave and do something interesting! Oh wait, this is Lawndale. Oh well! Who wants a coke? > "How are we going to >win the game if we keep acting like a bunch of morons?" > Mike: Hey, it never stopped the Dallas Cowboys! >Upchuck went up to Quinn and said, "Why don't we go back to my >place and have our own scrimmage? ROWR!" > Crow: [Quinn] Sure! POLICE!! >"Keep away from me, Upchuck!," shrieked Quinn. > Mike: The Days of Whine and Rose Bowls. >"I see not all of the morons are out on the field," Jane >retorted. > Tom: Look, some have formed Internet communities... they're posting nude pictures of a Barbie Doll. >"Man, I can't believe Daria won't be here for this game," Trent >said. Crow: [Trent] Too bad, 'cause Daria *really* loves football. > "She never liked football, but she likes being here for >the big game against Highland. Tom: [Trent] Even though she just moved here this year... so she's never *seen* us play Highland. Guess I started talking before I knew what I was saying. > She always likes to heckle Beavis >and Butt-Head; Mike: Oh come on! It's like yelling at bowling pins! It does no good! > it's the only time her two former classmates from >Highland High School ever come to visit Lawndale every year. >It's been that way since she moved here to Lawndale a couple of >years back." > Mike: Unnecessary backstory accomplished! >"Well, you know what they say, Trent," Jane said, "'Absence makes >the heart grow fonder.'" > Crow: I thought it was absinthe that made the heart grow fonder. Tom: Ever tell you the one that ends, "Ad sense makes Jean Harlowe ponder?" Mike: No. And don't. >"Tell me about it," Trent said with a sigh. > Crow: [Jane] I just did, pothead! >"Oh, look, here comes the Fashion Club!," Quinn chirped. Tom: [deeply] o/~ They're, too sexy for the plot, too sexy for the plot. You watch them; I'm not! o/~ [Crow snickers.] > Sandi, >the club president, Tom: Actually, that's SanDeE*. > entered first followed by Stacy, the club >secretary, and then Tiffany, the club treasurer. > Crow: They walk around in alphabetical order? Mike: Heh. Tom: I'm just surprised we didn't get a description of their breasts. >"Like, sorry we're late and all that," Sandi began to say, Mike: Since when does Sandi apologize? Tom: She'd would upbraid Quinn for being early! > "but, >like my cat pooped all over this outfit I'm wearing and I had to >wash it up." > Mike: That has got to be the book definition of too much information. Crow: And they say "Beavis and Butthead" is disgusting? >"Stuff like that happens," Quinn said. > Tom: And thanks so much for sharing... >"Hey, everything's all set for us to sell goodies at the game," >Stacy said. "Tiffany and I have baked up a whole batch of >cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and so forth." > Crow: [Quinn] Did you remember to make the green brownies? Mike: [Stacy] We did, but *somebody* ate them all! Tom: [Tiffany] I ate one and it only made me hungrier.... >"But, UGH! I've got dishpan hands now!," whined Tiffany. > Crow: Mike, is a dishpan what you humans fry dishes in? Mike: Oddly enough, no. >"Like, just remember, Tiffany," Sandi said, "it's all for a good >cause: Tom: [Sandi] Fattening up Upchuck before we butcher him like a suckling pig. > the Fashion Club." > >"Why don't they give it to charity like Student Government >does?," Jodie asked Jane. > Tom: Because it wouldn't be a cliché then. >"They are a charity case," replied Jane, "They all need new >brains, new personalities and ego deflation!" > Tom: Touché. Crow: [shocked] Jane, my *mother* has no brain, no personality, and ego inflation. Pathological disorders are nothing to laugh at! >Jodie got a good snicker over that remark. > Tom: Mm, one of those King-Size bars with the peanuts and caramel... (drools) >Jesse Moreno, Trent's bandmate on the rock band Mystik Spiral, Crow: And former competitor for Rick Springfield's girl... >arrived. > Tom: Presto! >"Trent, man, it's all set!," he said. > Mike: [Jesse] The beer bong's all set up! Crow: [Trent] Great, now we just need Indiglo cds.... >"What's all set, Jesse?," asked Trent. > Tom: He better not be that MTV VJ..... >Jesse continued, "We're gonna sing the national anthem at the big >game. Mike: I guess Rancid had a previous engagement. > I just spoke to Ms. Li, the principal, and she's promised >to pay us $1000 for the gig." > Tom: [Jesse] That's what 'pro bona' means right? >"And just where is Ms. Li going to get $1000 from," Quinn said. >"The expenses for this game have already gone over budget!" > Mike: And the markets tremble and plunge with the damning testimony from Quinn "Alan Greenspan" Morgendorfer! Tom: Why don't they just get the school marching band to play the national anthem for free? Mike: Hey, man, this is MYSTIK SPIRAL we're talking about here! >"Yeah," Jane added, "and the last time this happened, the Board >of Education and the school superintendent reprimanded her big >time for wasting taxpayers' money. Tom: But seein' as how none of us pay taxes, screw it! > We're just lucky Bob Schulz >didn't show up and sue the school district!" > Mike: Why would the son of the guy who created Peanuts be suing the district? Crow: Probably because of Linus Van Pelt Elementary School, and the Peppermint Patty School for Alternative Lifestyles. >"Hey, where she gets the bread from don't matter to me, man," >Trent said, "just as long as we get it." > Crow: Trent's a rebel, man! He won't truck with your hang-ups or play by your rules! >Meanwhile, another play was being run on the field. Tom: Oh, no it's "Waiting for Godot"! And Godot is Highland's blitzing linebacker! > This time, >Kevin made a perfect spiral pass. Crow: Then he baked the perfect spiral ham. > Mack snagged it and ran it >down for a touchdown. > Crow: Wait, that's the wrong way! Mike: He made a connection in the other direction. Tom: Coach DeMartino's startin' shoutin' out, in-ter-jec-tions! >"Now, that's what I like to see, people!," Mr. DeMartino said. > Mike: Next time we'll try it with the defense on the field! >Brittany saw that and shouted "YEAH! GO, GO LAWNDALE!" > Crow: [DeMartino] Good job Brittany, keep it up! Tom: She should be careful, she might get whiplash. >Just then, Jane thought she heard some familiar laughter: > Crow: [Krankor] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Tom: [Jane] Oh, no! The Prozac was supposed to stop this! >"HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" > Tom: Woody Woodpecker? >"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Mike: That sounds like the engine from a '72 Mustang. >"Oh, no!," Jane said, "it can't be those two!" > Crow: It's Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger! Mike: [Groaning] They're going to spend the entire football game babbling about animal rights and Gingrich! Tom: Well, I'll be at the beer stand... >Sure enough, it was Beavis and Butt-Head. Crow: Why the surprise? They were all they were talking about a minute ago. Tom: Mike? Any chance of you possibly killing me now and sparing me the rest of this? Mike: Nope. If I have to sit through it, so do you. Tom: [muttering] Sadist! > They went up in the >stands. > Crow: Let's just hope the bleachers aren't made of 'wood'. >"Uh, Quinn, where's your sister, Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: She took some Pepto. Feels a lot better now! >"Yeah, like we want to talk to her and stuff," Beavis added. > Mike: Ah, the dialogue in this section fairly sparkles. >"Well, Daria isn't here today!," Quinn began; "she went over to >Japan on a foreign exchange program." > Mike: [Quinn] Don't ask what happened to the guy we exchanged her for.... >"Man, that sucks!," Beavis answered. > Crow: [Beavis] We were going to attend a poetry slam! >"Listen, you two," Jane said, "all because Daria isn't here >doesn't mean you can go pick on Quinn at the game on Saturday. Tom: [Jane] That's my job. >If you do anything to her, I'll scratch your eyes out!" > Crow: Ooh, that's just so campy! Mike: Pete seems to be confusing "Daria" with an "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon. >"Uh, like is that a threat or a promise?," Butt-Head asked. > >Jane said rather icily, "BOTH!" > Tom: Mm, Heisenberg's theory states we can't know both at the same time. Mike: Yes, if the threat is known for certain, the "promise" potential becomes a fuzzy, unknowable cloud. >"WHOA!," Butt-Head said.> >Beavis and Butt-Head sat down and watched a few plays. Kevin was >once again fumbling the ball. Tom: Huh. Maybe you should try his back-up, Jim Abbot, for a few plays. Crow: You know, if this were Japan, they'd just stick a tariff on the opponents so they couldn't afford to score a touchdown! > After a while, those two got >bored. > Mike: With the story or the game? >"This scrimmage sucks!," Beavis said. > Mike: Oh. Crow: Beavis knows the word "scrimmage"? >"Uh, let's liven things up a bit, Beavis!," Butt-Head responded. > Tom: Thank you! >They soon got out two brown paper bags they had taken with them >and pulled out some firecrackers. > Mike: No, wait! They're *soda* crackers. My mistake. Tom: They're just going to enjoy a sensible lunch including a steaming Thermos of Campbell's Manhattan Clam Chowder! >"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!," Jane roared. > Crow: [Beavis] Celebrating the Chinese New Year. Tom: [Butthead] Yeah, we're exploring different cultures by blowing stuff up! >"Uh, like we're going to set off firecrackers and stuff!," Butt- >Head said; "What do you think we were going to do, asswipe?" > Mike: Sweet merciful heavens! They're going to *do* something! Crow: It will ruin the barren wasteland of the plot! Someone stop them! >They set off a whole string of them and tossed them onto the >field. The whole team started to scatter. > Mike: Except for poor Benny, who had to play without a helmet. Tom: Wow. Good throwin' arms on those boneheads. The coach should sign'em up. >"HEH-HEH-HEH! See me toss this big one out there, Butt-Head!," >Beavis said. He lit the fuse and tossed it out. It landed right >on Kevin, Crow: Who fumbled it! Mike: No, I saw this cartoon. He passes it to Mack, whose eyes get real big and buggy before the explosion! > and it went off in his left eye. Crow: Wow! Kevin Meany's mom was right! Mike: Now all Kevin has to do is sue them, and Beavis and Butthead will lose the house! > Kevin collapsed in >agony. > Mike: The defensive linemen start piling on, stickin' their thumbs in the bad eye... Tom: Now let's see - so far, Daria's murdered a couple of crooks, and Beavis and Butthead have blinded a football player. Thank you so *bloody* much, Pete! >"KEVIN!," shrieked Brittany, who saw the whole thing go down. >She then fainted. > Crow: Women always faint at the sight of football! >Beavis and Butt-Head made good their escape while everyone was >gathered around Kevin. > Tom: Beavis and Butt-head make good! There's a phrase no one's ever said before! >"Someone call 911, dammit!," shrieked Mr. DeMartino. > Mike: But isn't 911 a joke? Tom: [Shatner] toNIGHT... aFANfic... goesoutofconTROL... onREScue... NINE... ONE... ONE! >Kevin was taken to Lawndale General Hospital. Crow: Ooh! I scheduled my freshmen college classes around that show! > An examination >revealed that most of the explosion was absorbed by his helmet, Tom: His helmet was over his eye? No *wonder* he couldn't throw worth a damn! >and damage to his eye was negligible. Tom: The rest of his face on the other hand... > His vision checked out OK, >but he was held overnight for observation, and released the next >day. > Tom: Ooookayy. So. We have terrorists buying plane tickets to Japan. Mike: Check. Tom: Ryu and Mumu double crossing the NRA. Crow: Check Tom: The NRA are planning to take over the Japanese government by bombing Tokyo, but first they have to steal a plane. Mike: With you so far. Tom: And that's the plane the old man was washing. Crow: Roger Dodger. Tom: And Daria joins the Sailor Scouts and goes on homicidal rampage and Sailor Someone is going to become a German pediatrician. Mike: Right-o! Tom: [takes a breath] And then there's the Lawndale Militia who plan to take over a football game. Crow: That's what my notes say. Tom: And, correct me if I'm wrong, Beavis and Butt-head show up and throw fireworks at football players for no apparent reason. Crow: Don't forget Nagai, Solar Warrior, Amidalla Orimori, and the Soviets too. Mike: Yup. Tom: Wow. This isn't as complicated as I thought. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > At the next meeting of the Lawndale Militia, Anthony Corlew >brought up the matter of the firecracker attack at the scrimmage: > Mike: [Corlew] This is an obvious attempt by FEMA to cover up their alien abductions! The time to act is now! >"Fellow comrades in arms, this is just another reason why we need >to take over Lawndale. Tom: Our quarterback sucks! Mike: [Corlew] It's the only way we'll ever get any of the really boss fireworks! > With our agenda of law and order, filth >like Beavis and Butt-Head, as well as people of color and >crippled folks, will be kept out of our community. Mike: We will return to CNN's coverage of Pat Buchanan's press conference right after this... > We don't need >white trash like those two ruining our town! Crow: [Poindexter] Yeah, that's our job! > When they return, >we need to lynch them, to teach a lesson to Highland that we >won't tolerate their shenanigans here in Lawndale!" > Crow: Minorities, Government and Shenanigans: Three enemies to a better America. >Those in attendance cheered the speech. > Mike: [Corlew] Thank you my brothers! Tom: [militia] Screw you! We're cheerin' the *speech*! Crow: [militia] Code words rock! Unsubstantiated generalizations forever! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"I have failed you, Master!" With that, the only NIRAA ninja Mike: NRA Ninjas? Crow: [Charlton Heston] Remember, Katanas don't kill people - ninja warriors kill people! > who >escaped from Ryu (the others had been arrested) committed seppuku >in front of Dr. Vander Helffen. Tom: [Helffen] Wait, not on my shoes! Ick.... > Dr. Vander Helffen ordered the >body disposed of. Yoriko entered the room. > >"What was that all about?," she asked. > Crow: Oh, just another wacky day at the NIRAA. >"Our attempt to kill Ryu failed," began Dr. Vander Helffen. Mike: But on the bright side, your relationship with MadMan Mimoto's Discount Ninja Burial Service has never been stronger! > "We >sent some ninja spies to track him down, and he has alerted >someone named Chiba Mamoru to our plans. Tom: Apparently, the ninjas *were in the same room, eavesdropping.* Mike: They must have trained with the Judea Resistance Front. > They were going to kill >Ryu, but he was too strong for them. I want you to personally >kill Ryu." > Mike: [Helffen] I'm sure a lone woman will succeed where a dozen trained ninja failed! >"Your orders will be obeyed, Dr. Vander Helffen," said Yoriko. > Crow: Why not just give the Patented Dr. Vedder Von Heffer Immortality Pills to the ninja? Mike: Well, sure, they're immortal, but that doesn't mean they can't die. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ryu had just returned to Gen Torymura and told him all about his >meeting with Mamoru, Tom: Just about the nicest guy you'd ever wanna blackmail! > as well as the attack by the NIRAA ninja >spies. > Tom: [General] So you ran away too, huh? >"They're on to us; I was afraid they would," Gen. Torymura said. Crow: [Torymura] Now we have to kill you. Nothing personal! >"I'm going to order security tightened to the biggest extent >possible immediately at the base where the prototype is being >stored. Mike: Uh... Tom: Try not to think about it. Mike: But he said 'the biggest extent possible'... Tom: I know. > When we do need the Sailor Senshi, they are to be >briefed on this matter." > Crow: Uh, General, I'm not sure briefing them on how to ambush their blackmailer is such a great idea. >"Everything will be done as you have ordered, General," answered >Ryu. > Crow: At least the scenes are getting shorter. Mike: Wait a minute! The scenes are counting down! It's a bomb! Tom: Memo to self; remove ID4 from the entertainment center, ASAP. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The day had arrived for Ami to leave for Germany. Crow: Um, does anybody remember that the last time someone started a German-Japanese friendship program, it caused nothing but trouble? > All the Sailor >Senshi were with her at Narita Airport, as well as both her >mother and her father. Mike: And Steve Buscemi! Man, that guy's everywhere! Tom: Narita! Narita! Two of the narrative threads might actually meet! Crow: Would it be too much to hope that Akbar blows them all to Sailor Heaven? > >"Well, I guess this is it," Ami said. > Crow: [Ami] Seeya, suckers! >"Ami, you'll always be in our hearts," Usagi began to say. Mike: But then Phil Collins popped in to perform the song for the Senshi. > "When >you do come back, you can always rejoin us. The door is always >open." > Tom: Except when it's shut of course. >"Here, take this," Rei said. "It's a special 'Safe Journey' >charm. Mike: See, it has Steve Perry's picture inside! Tom: Open it, and it does the intro to "Separate Ways". > I hope you have a safe flight." > Crow: [Ami] I'm sure it'll be fine. After all, I'm going by ValueJet. What could go wrong? >"I want you to make your mother and I very proud of you," said >Ami's father. Tom: [Dad] For if you don't, surely we will die of shame, alone and without dignity in our cold, cramped apartment! > "I always knew in my heart that you are a very >intelligent young lady." > Crow: [Dad] 'Cept for that time you mistook the paste for cold cream. Man, was that a long night. Mike: Sheesh, this guy must have seen 'A Date With The Family'... >"As for you, Daria," Ami said, "Keep the home fires burning." > Crow: [Daria] Light your houses on fire, gotcha. >"Mom told me never to play with matches," Daria said. > [All stare at the screen for a beat.] Crow: OK, which one of us said that? Mike: I think Peter did. Tom: Oh, shyah, Mike! Like he'd start being clever *now*. >"Still with your sarcastic humor, I see," Usagi said. > Tom: [Daria] Yup! The fans expect it. You get used to it after a while. >"Ami, I hope you will be a success in your endeavors," Mamoru >added. "We're all rooting for you." > Mike: [Mamoru, muttering] Ya big dumb Sailor Skeeve! >Ami couldn't hold it back anymore. Mike: She just had to kill somebody. > The tears were beginning to >flow. > Tom: Oh, you gonna cry, huh? C'mon, cry, baby! Cry!!! >"I'm really going to miss you guys!," Ami sobbed, then hugged >each of her friends and family. Crow: [Ami] I do not know who in Germany I can feel superior to! Tom: Well, drop by Oktoberfest! That should solve your problem. > "I'd better get on board the >plane now!" > Mike: Man, I never knew anime was so infatuated with airports! Tom: Oh yeah. Your typical anime plane-boarding-scene-to- action-sequence ratio will run about two-to-one. 'Cept for "Speed Racer", which was more like three-to- one. Four when they were on. >A chorus of "Farewell" followed her down the gate. > Crow: o/~ She'll be gone 'til November, she'll be gone 'til November... o/~ >"Good luck!," Usagi added. > Mike: [Usagi] Sorry about the face! >Not noticed by anyone, Akbar el-Salaam had boarded the plane >right behind Ami. Tom: Maybe it's Akbar the salami? > Since most of the nuclear device was plastic >in composition (it even had a plastique primer), Mike: Plus, he designed it so it showed up on the X-Ray machine as a bottle of Pert Plus. > he managed to >scoot by security with that and some machine guns--also made >mostly of plastic--with no problems. > Mike: Man, I can't get through airport security with my keys in my pocket! Tom: Wait a minute, what about the bullets? Crow: Forget the bullets. Plutonium is a metal. Why didn't the X-rays pick that up either? Mike: No thinking. Just relax and let it wash over you. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Half an hour had passed on the flight. Tom: The captain has turned off the "No Plot" sign. Feel free to continue with- that is, start- the plot at any time! > A flight attendant in one >of the most revealing uniforms ever worn by such a person--it had >a microminiskirt and the blazer, vest and shirt revealed a lot of >cleavage--went up to Ami and asked her what she wanted for lunch. > Mike: Well, the cheesecake looks good... >"What do you have?," replied Ami. > Mike: [Stewardess] About five more seconds to make this scene interesting. >The flight attendant answered, "We have yellow fin tuna or beef >teriyaki." > Crow: And spam, for some reason. >"UGH!," said Ami in disgust, Crow: [Ami] I hate Japanese food! > "I can't stand yellow fin tuna! >I'll have the beef teriyaki." > Tom: Well actually that's just tuna with a brown sauce on top. >The flight attendant went to the next seat and asked him what he >wanted. > Mike: Well, I'm a bit bored. Can we liven this flight up a little? >Suddenly, Akbar leapt up, grabbed one of his machine guns and >roared "ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR! Crow: [stewardess] I'm sorry sir, all we have is tuna or beef. > This is Islamic Jihad! We >are seizing this plane in the name of Allah! Mike: That'll work! Thank you, miss! > You are to fly this >plane to Lawndale, USA, or I will kill everyone aboard!" > Tom: Lawndale is *always* being targeted by terrorists. >Screams of panic filled the plane. Ami now realized that she >wasn't going to Germany today. Mike: And most likely her meal would be delayed! > And she had to be there to >register for classes, or forfeit her tuition deposit. Crow: Well, she has her priorities straight... > But that >was no longer a grave concern, not when death stared you in the >face. Mike: Actually, I think death sort of looks away quick when you notice it's staring at you? Pretends to look out the window? > For Mizuno Ami, she had to take action and save the plane >from this madman. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Uh-oh! Crow: What? Tom: We're late for the thing! Mike: Hey, he's right! Crow: Let's get! [All exit hurriedly] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [A four-seat bench is set up. Tom, Gypsy, and Crow are sitting, bored. Tom has some knitting, Gypsy has a huge Walkman on, Crow is reading "George" magazine. Throughout the sketch, Gypsy reacts to nothing, just listens to her headphones. Mike enters, stage left.] Mike: Crow? Crow: Hey. Just waiting for the plane sketch. Mike: Oh. [Mike takes the empty seat. He puts his left leg over his right, and bounces it, distractedly. It hits Tom's knitting. Tom glares at him.] Mike: Sorry. [Tom returns to his knitting. Mike resumes tapping his foot in the air. He starts softly singing, "JET! Whoo-oo-oo-OO-oo- oo-OO-oo-oo. Jet!" Crow turns a page in his magazine.] Mike: Oh! I call the window. Tom: Dibs on the aisle! Crow: I'll take the seat next to Deborah Norville in a spaghetti strap! [Mike looks at Crow.] Crow: Well I guy's gotta have goals, Mike. Mike: Mm. [Another pause. Mike exhales impatiently. He gives a look at something above Cambot.] Mike: I wonder why they have TV sets if the sound's set so low you can't hear it. Crow: So you can watch the action. Mike: It's "Meet the Press". Tom: Huh. [another pause] So... is there a meal in this sketch? Crow: Snack. Tom: Aw, crap! I skipped lunch! Mike: Well, I was on a Delta sketch about a month ago, and their snack was pretty good. Cheese and crackers, a Nutri-Grain bar- even a Tootsie Roll! [Tom gets up, starts to leave.] Tom: Screw that. I'm grabbing a nine-dollar sandwich. Mike: Tom! Tom I don't think you should... [Tom's gone.] Magic Voice: Sketch 109, now boarding at Gate 3. Mike: Oh, great, that figures! We better go. Crow: Don't forget our carry-ons Mike! [Mike start to grab several huge black carry-on bags from beneath the chairs.] Mike: Ok, got this here... then this here... Crow: Then there's that! And that! Can't forget that. Make sure you have that! [Mike now has four bags over each shoulder, a backpack, and two around his neck. You can barely see him.] Magic Voice: Last call for Sketch 109! Crow: Ah! Hurry Mike! Let's run! Mike: OK! OK! Here we- whoap! [Mike takes one step, trips, and collapses face-first on top of Crow, crushing him. They both stay pinned to the floor beneath the desk. We hear the FX of a plane taking off. Casually, Tom saunters in, carrying a hot dog.] Tom: Well, I found a Nathan's combo meal for a sawbuck! [Tom looks beneath the desk at his friends]. Tom: Huh? Gypsy: [beneath headphones] Hwah? Crow: [dazed] Whah? Mike: [groaning] Oooooh... [The lights begins to flash.] Magic Voice: Now arriving. Data 4 of the "Mandalay Scanner Non-Smoking Driver Barnyard Dealie." Please have Your boarding passes ready. Tom: I think that's our sign, Mike. Mike: Can you get it for me? Tom: Sure! [Tom hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [The trio enters, sans baggage, and sits.] Crow: I still say we should have waited for a later story. Mike: Nah. They would have stuck us on some red-eye hentai fic starring the casts of "Akira" and "My Dog Skip." Crow: Good point. > >Data 4: Jihad at 25,000 Feet > Mike: So we jump around the world at random, but start a new chapter in the middle of "tense" moment? >Akbar was in a rage now. He started to fire indiscriminately at >anyone he could vent his anger at. Crow: So! A bullet rips the fuselage, decompressing the cabin, they all asphyxiate. Guess they'll think through that hijacking plan a little more carefully next time, huh? > Ami ducked down just as a >stray bullet buried itself into the left temple of the passenger >in front of her. Tom: [shocked] Lead poisoning! > Akbar grabbed the flight attendant, and ripped >her blazer, vest and shirt off, leaving her bra barely hanging by >the tattered straps. Crow: It's the congressional version of that tablecloth trick. > She began to cry as Akbar stormed forward >into the cockpit. > Tom: So what was the little clothes-ripping thing for? Mike: Akbar hates that "Coffee Tea or Me" movie. >"GO TO HELL, INFIDEL!", he roared as his gun spat bullets >everywhere. Mike: IN A WHILE, CAMEL-PHILE! > The pilot, co-pilot and navigator fell dead. Akbar >then went to the control and programmed the auto pilot on a >course for Lawndale. Mike: Good thing he took that correspondence course in auto pilot programming. Crow: It's a good thing that his dozens of bullets missed the controls too. > He then stormed back into the first class >compartment. > Mike: [Akbar] Time for a sipping drink. >"There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet!," roared >Akbar. Crow: Murray is his tailor! John McVie on bass! And sitting in for Yassir Arafat, the lovely Vanna White! > "The Great Satan will burn in Hell for all eternity! >Death to the American Satan! Crow: So, there are two Satans? Tom: And isn't sending them to hell kind of silly? Mike: I don't think Akbar's really thought that part out yet... Crow: Anybody think a little thing like that'll stop him? Mike: Nope. Tom: Uh uh. Crow: Thought so. > The infidel must die! ALLAH AKBAR! >ALLAH AKBAR!" Akbar then undid the buttons of his shirt and Mike: ...single-handedly revived the "disco" look. >revealed the nuclear device strapped to his abdomen. Tom: [Akbar] Feel it! Come on! I dare ya! > With a calm >dexterity he armed the device for the precise moment the plane >would be flying over Lawndale High School's football field. > Tom: As opposed to something important. Crow: The _exact_ moment? Mike: [Akbar, muttering] Let's see the winds are with us, add an hour for the layover in Vancouver... >Ami was still in a ducked position. Crow: Next she's gonna do her goosed position. > She was trying to get her >mini-computer/communicator that she always carried with her and >try to send a message back to Tokyo; she finally found it and >activated it. > Mike: [Ami] Loading Picture 1 of 22,203... Picture 2 of 22,203... Picture 3 of 22,203... >"This is Ami!," she began; "Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako, Mamoru, Crow: Little Joe, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright! Mike: Lee! Rico! Youngblood! Tom: Mannix! Chief! McCloud! >anyone, can you hear me! Tom: Well Rei, Mako, and Mamoru can hear you, but Usagi and Minako are in the other room arm wrestling. And anyone's in the can. Crow: Should we wait until Usagi, Rei, Mako, Minako, and Mamoru are here, or is this something you can tell Rei, Mako, and Mamoru now, and then fill Usagi, Minako, and anyone in later? Mike: Wait! Usagi's here! She's here! Oh, but Mako left. Had to microwave her coffee. > We're being held hostage!" > Tom: [muffled voice] If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and check the number you have dialed. >Akbar heard what was going on, and stormed right to Ami's seat. >He grabbed Ami by the hair and roared a savage yell. > Crow: [Akbar] EEGAH! >"You will pay for that, you American pig!," he screamed. > Mike: [Ami] That's *Japanese* pig to you! >"My name is Mizuno Ami," she began to reply. "I am a citizen of >Japan. That is all I will tell you!" > Crow: Oh, like we're *so* interested in the details of your life. >"American, Japanese, it doesn't matter to me!," Crow: [Bruce Campbell] American, Japanese - I'm the terrorist with the gun. > Akbar yelled >back; "You will pay for what you did, infidel!" > Mike: [Akbar] Though I am unclear what that is, but I must take out an infidel now, or they will think I'm all talk! >Then Akbar savagely threw a left hook right into Ami's right eye, Crow: Wait. Why didn't he shoot her? Tom: Eh. The author's gonna need her later. >causing her to yelp in excruciating pain as she collapsed on the >floor. He then began to kick her on the floor, kicking her in >every conceivable area: Tom: First Class, Business, Coach... > her head, her pelvis, her legs, her >shins, the base of her spine, the solar plexus. Crow: Every place he knew the name of! > He then took the >butt of one of his guns and began to hit her with that as well. All: Booo! >Fifteen horrifying minutes later, Ami was horribly black and >blue. Ami began to cry. > Crow: Fifteen minutes later, and she _starts_ crying? Mike: Too bad she's booked a flight with everyone from Kitty Genovese's neighborhood. >"DON'T CRY, YOU BITCH!", Akbar roared as he slapped her across >the face. Mike: You know, it's very subtle, but I think we're supposed to *dislike* this character. Tom: You picked up on that too, huh? > He then seized her by the collar of her seifuku and >ripped it in half. "Take the rest of your clothes off now!" > Crow: I got this from Anne Taylor for my wife, and I need to see how it looks! Would you believe you're the same size? What luck! >Ami was too afraid at this point to refuse. She took what was >left of her tattered clothes off and submitted to a humiliating >search. There was nowhere Akbar left unexamined. > Crow: He left no rock unturned, no door unopened, no present unwrapped! Mike: What's he looking for anyway? Crow: How the hell should I know?! I didn't write this! >"At least you don't have any more devices on you!;" shouted >Akbar; "As far as I know, you might be an agent for the CIA or >the FBI or even working for the Russians! Crow: [Ackbar] You could even be veteran character actor Christopher Lloyd! How would I know? I could not! Tom: Yeah dickweed, the CIA, FBI and KGB frequently hire giggling Japanese girls as secret agents. Sheesh! > I don't trust you, you >swine! I'm locking you in the lavatory until we reach our >destination!" > Mike: Um, Akbar? The bathroom doesn't actually lock from the *outside*. Think about it. >"But what if we have to go to there?," said one passenger. > Mike: [Akbar] Be quiet or I'm turning this plane around! >Akbar fired his machine gun and killed him. "SILENCE!," he >roared. Tom: [Passenger] Oh. Never mind! I don't have to go anymore. Crow: Well, he's brutal but fair. > He then took the nude Ami and threw her into the >lavatory, putting a food cart next to it so Ami couldn't open the >door. > Crow: Ah, yes, the five-pound object with wheels! That'll hold! Tom: Well, I guess this might be a bit better than being shot... but not by much. >Ami was all alone now. Mike: Except for her old childhood friend, "Drop Dead Fred." > She could see bruises all over her body. Crow: All over her body? That's an awfully big mirror for an airplane bathroom. >She hadn't felt so alone or so helpless since her mother told her >that she was getting a divorce from her father. Mike: Ami divorced her father? > Ami began to >cry. > Crow: I don't remember her stopping crying... Tom: [weeping] o/~ All, BY, MY-self! Don't wanna be, all BY, MY-self! Anymore. o/~ >"Queen Serenity, help me in my time of need!", she sobbed >silently. > Crow: Ugh. I think I need a shower now. Possibly several. In fact, you know what? I may never get out of the shower ever again. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Mike: And, thankfully, the scene is over. >Akbar had returned to the first class cabin. Crow: Where he was whisked away into a land of ultimate comfort and luxury. > He was extremely >enraged now. Mike: This guy's a monster truck with no breaks and one gear! Crow: I'm not very happy about the situation either buddy! So get in line. > He began to scream out a diatribe against the >United States: > Tom: [Akbar] If our present-day values of materialistic nihilism are inspiring children in America to kill other children just for fun, how will imposing those same 'American Values' stop the killing in Sierra Leone? Hmmm? >"The Great Satan must pay for his atrocities against Islam! Mike: The Great Satan, like, gets on the "Cash Only" line at the supermarket when he knows all he's got is credit cards! > The >Great Satan must be destroyed for his supporting the Jewish >interlopers in Palestine! The Great Satan must suffer for his >sins of arrogance! Mike: [Akbar] The Great Satan must pay me back that $5 he borrowed from me in High School! Crow: Hey, if the US is the Great Satan, who's the Lesser Satan? Tom: Everyone else takes turns. Bolivia last week, Finland this week, Cote de Ivorie next week. > Death to the American Satan! The infidel >must die!" > Tom: [self-help guru] That's right, Akbar. Visualize your goal. See? It's right there within reach, isn't it? Oh, but something's holding Akbar back. Can you see? >Everyone on the plane was cowed into silence with his ranting. > >Suddenly, he said, "I now hereby order all of you to sing!" > >"What do you want us to sing?," asked another passenger. > Crow: [Akbar] You will all dress like slutty schoolgirls and sing the songs of Brittney Spears! o/~ Hit me baby, one more time! o/~ >Akbar commanded, "You are to sing 'Morning Has Broken' from that >great singer Yosof Islam, or as you infidels know him, Cat >Stevens. Tom: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have them sing about o/~ where the children play-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay...o/~ Mike: You're like a puppy with a rag, aren't you? > He supports the Ayatollah Khomeini's death sentence >against that pig, Salman Rushdie. Tom: Mm, infedel pigs make the best hamburger! Mike: No, it's sacred cows that make the best bacon. Or something. > Anyone who refuses to sing >will be shot! ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR!" > Mike: Well, can you give us a note? So we start in the same key at least? >Slowly, at first, the crowd began to sing: > >"Morning has broken/Like the first dawn..." > Mike: [Akbar] No! Infidel pigs! It's o/~ like the first morn-uh-huh-ing o/~ Sing it correctly! Tom: Boy, he'll never get on Yaffet Letterman's Stupid Terrorist Tricks at this rate. >"LOUDER!," Akbar screamed. > Crow: Hey, Akbar's not singing! He has to shoot himself! Mike: I don't think that's what he meant, Crow. Tom: Rules are rules, Mike. They apply to everyone equal! >The crowd began to sing louder. Crow: Cat Stevens songs are best heard when they're loud enough to be incoherent, after all. > Akbar then headed to the >cockpit, shoved the corpse of the pilot aside and got on the >radio to announce what he had just done. Tom: [Akbar] That's right, I made them *sing*! *CAT STEVENS!* And there's *more* torture to come if you don't cooperate! > After that, he sent a >machine gun burst into the radio, disabling it. Mike: [Akbar] And I told you to turn off Howard Stern! > He then returned >to the first class cabin. > Tom: [Akbar, muttering] I hope I didn't miss any of 'Big Daddy'. And Stewardess?! Where's that gimlet I ordered? Ya think I'm gonna terrorize you goobs *sober*? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Back at Japan, the news spread like wildfire as soon as it got >off the wires: > Tom: Kevin Thompson cannot pass to save his life! >"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming here at NHK to >bring you this special bulletin. Mike: The new Pokemon action toys are here! And they're only at Burger King! > A Japan Air Lines jet from >Narita Airport to Berlin, Germany, has just been hijacked by a >terrorist who says he's with Islamic Jihad. Crow: For in-depth coverage of how the terrorist might decorate his new plane, here's CBS Special Correspondent, Martha Stewart. > He has set a course >for the United States, destination unknown at this time. Mike: [reporter] Rest assured it will probably be goofy. > He >claims to have already killed several passengers and will kill >more unless he is given free passage to the United States. Tom: While we have no pictures at this time, here is what the terrorist might look like if he were a beaver. > His >ultimate intentions are unknown at this time. NHK will keep you >posted on further developments as this alarming situation >develops." > Crow: Now back to our Horror Movie Marathon. Michael Keaton in "Gung Ho"! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >---------------------------------------- > >Gov. Nagai, having heard the news, made hasty arrangements to >address the issue at a press conference: > Crow: He didn't wait for any details or anything? Mike: He's a politician. Since when do they act on information? >"My friends, I have received this distressing news myself only >moments ago. My heart goes out to those aboard, especially our >own fellow countrymen, who are now facing indescribable terror. Tom: [Nagai] As for the non-Japanese aboard, your terror amuses us. >To the hijacker, I must warn him that any further deaths on his >part will result in the condemnation of the world." > Tom: [Nagai] The world will no longer invite you to the cool parties. When you walk down the hallway, the world will dump your books out of your hands. The world will 'accidentally' let the air out of your tires... >"I assure everyone here, that if I am elected, I will introduce >legislation that will address the threat of terrorism here in >Japan. Mike: OK, that's it for the sympathy crap. Now: *POLITICS*! > We only know too well that not even our nation is immune; >witness the serin attack on the Tokyo subway system just three >years ago. Tom: My opponent was in *favor* of those serin attacks. He never met a serin attack he didn't like! > I propose that a joint special unit consisting of SDF >and National Police personnel be formed to help combat the >scourge of terrorism while at the same time adhere to the >prohibitions of Article 9. Mike: Paging the Japanese Elliot Ness! Crow: This new unit will say "OOOOH!" and "AAAAAH!" when the U.S. bombs Iraq. > I propose that better security >measures be put in place at our airports, railway stations and >maritime facilities. Mike: Since plastic can avoid metal detectors, I propose banning plastic from all flights leaving Japan! > It is time to send a message to terrorists >of all stripes that Japan will no longer be an easy target for >them." > Crow: A good first step might be to remove the giant bulls-eyes from the top of the government buildings. Tom: Meanwhile, all the terrorists are pointing at the TV, laughin', throwin' popcorn... >Gov. Nagai left without taking any questions from the press. > Crow: [reporter] What's the meaning of life? Tom: [Nagai] No comment. Mike: [reporter] Is it true that you're afraid of clowns? Tom: [Nagai] No comment. Crow: [reporter] Did Cher really have some ribs removed? Tom: [Nagai] Ummmm.........No comment. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The Sailor Senshi were gathered at Sendai Hill Temple when the >news broke. Mike: [Minako] Yup. It's official. Olerud signed with Seattle. Tom: [Rei] Well, we're screwed then. > Rei and her grandfather didn't own a television >themselves, but Kumada Yuuichirou, a retired rock singer who had >been living in the shrine for several years now, had one in his >room. Tom: Well, that's not surprising given the Japanese rocker's career span of two gigs and a VH1-Japan special. Crow: I thought a guy named Chad lived with them... > When he saw the bulletin, he raced out of his room and >into the courtyard. > >"Guys! Guys! You've got to see this!," Yuuichirou said; Mike: Warren Beatty actually thinks he can be president! It's hysterical! > "It was >just on NHK, but I can get it on CNN as well!" Crow: [Kumada] It's that big dancing baby from "Ally McBeal" > Since Yuuichirou >had a satellite dish installed, he could pull in the American >cable channels like CNN. > Mike: But he usually ended up watching HGTV and reruns of "Crocodile Hunter". >"What's going on, Yuuichirou?," Rei asked. > >"Something about a hijacking or something like that, Rei," >Yuuichirou replied. > Tom: [Yuuichirou] I'm not really sure. I think that years of binge drinking has destroyed my short-term... um... Oh, Rei! Nice to see you! What brings you here? >Everyone scrambled to Yuuichirou's room. He had tuned in to CNN. >Wolf Blitzer was at the State Department covering the event. > Mike: His cousins, Coyote Sharpshooter and Crunch McManmuscle, were also standing by. >"We can now confirm that Islamic Jihad is behind this," Blitzer >said. "The Imam Al-Kabaz, who heads the Beirut branch of the >organization, Mike: The Islamic Jihad, with over 50 conveniently located branches to help serve your terrorism needs. > announced that it was Akbar el-Salaam All: D'oh! Crow: So much for the element of surprise. > who took >control of the JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin and has now set a >course for the United States. Mike: [Wolf] This is *journalism*, folks. I'm *not* making stuff up! > Islamic Jihad still refuses to >reveal where in the United States the plane will land, if it does >at all." > Mike: It might just defy the Laws of Physics and stay aloft forever! >"Oh, my god! Crow: [Usagi] I'm blonde! When did *that* happen? > Ami's on that flight!," Usagi said. > >"What can we do?", Haruka added Tom: [Haruka] Perhaps we should gasp a lot and hold our faces! That may do some good, I think! > "Right now, they're right in the >middle of the ocean." > Tom: Oh. The plane's crashed already. Well, problem solved. >Suddenly, Rei's grandfather raced in. > >"Rei! Rei! Come quickly!," he said. Mike: [Grandpa] Someone parked a friggin' big fighter plane in our backyard! > "The Great Fire is raging >out of control!" > Mike: [Rei] Grandpa, we've asked you not to try and program the VCR! >Everyone ran to where the Great Fire was burning. Tom: Oh, the Great Satan's holdin' a weenie roast! Neat! > Sure enough, >it was indeed burning furiously as it had never burned before. > Crow: Yeah, well, you throw gasoline on top of tires and this is what you get... >"This is not a good sign," Rei said. "There are demonic forces >at play here." > Crow: [Rei] I'll get the leeches and the holy water. Daria, you get the rock salt and the rosemary! Usagi! Go get that copy of the Beatles' White Album! >Phobos and Deimos, Rei's pet crows, had flown in and witnessed >the fire. Crow: Crows? Fight tha power, my brothers! Tom: D'oh no. Mike? He's doing it again! Mike: Crow, we've been through this. You're not related to every crow! Crow: Then why am I named "Crow", Mike? If I'm not related to the crow, why am I named for one? Mike: I don't know, I didn't name you! Crow: Exactly my point! So back off! > They were beginning to act strangely, like Rei had >never seen them act before. > Crow: They began to perform the "questions" scene from "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" and their looks improved considerably! Tom: Aw, jeez. It's as bad as when The Black Crowes played Woodstock, and they had Security throw him out. >"In all my years I have been the priest of this shrine, I have >never witnesses anything like this!," Rei's grandfather said. Mike: Hey, I see grampa, but where's grammar? >"In fact, nowhere in the shrine chronicles has anything this >intense ever happened until now! Tom: Sir, we *did* advise you to install a sprinkler system if you were planning to let your Great Fire run all night. I'm sorry, but Allstate simply can't cover this kind of damage. > May all the kami and megami of >our faith protect us at this trying time!" > Crow: [Rei] Oh calm down, grandpa! Jimmy just added more charcoal to the grill! No need to get all metaphysical about it. >Usagi turned to Daria and told her, "Now you understand the >seriousness of what we do here. Tom: I hope she does, because *I* still don't have a clue! > This is no kid's game we're >engaged in. Crow: Game over man! Game over! > I used to be a big crybaby and whine a lot, Crow: Excuse me? Used to be? Tom: She had a momentous life change off screen. > but now >I know what my destiny is. Mike: [Usagi] I'm the big important queen of the whole entire world! > I'm supposed to lead humanity to a >better future, and fight those who would destroy that vision. Crow: [Daria] Like Rupert Murdoch? Tom: [Usagi, shocked] What are you, nuts?! >Daria, you have to tell me right now: Are you in for this--no >matter how high the stakes get in this situation--or are you >out?" > Mike: Take your time. Remember, you have two of your lifelines remaining! >Daria now knew the gravity of the situation. God only knows >where the terrorist was taking the plane; Crow: Be fair. The terrorist probably knows too. > even the people she >cared for (in her own way) might be in danger. > Mike: Actually, the concepts "care" and "Daria" are mutually exclusive. >"I'm in," Daria replied in her calm, monotone voice. > Tom: Lithium! It helps you even in the most stressful situations! >"I request that all of you leave me here while I meditate," Rei >asked. > Mike: [Rei] And hand me that "Chicago's Hottest Firefighters" calendar on your way out. >"Now, when all Hell's breaking loose?," Mako said in shock. > Tom: Ya know, praying is the last thing most people do during a crisis. Mike: Oh ya. >"I will pray for the deliverance of the hostages," Rei replied. >Rei's grandfather and Yuuichirou ushered the others out of the >room. Crow: [Yuuichirou] Come on. I've seen her sit around doing nothing, and believe me- it ain't pretty. > Rei got on her knees, the sweat from the intense heat of >the fire dropping from her forehead like mad. Mike: The heat from the fire was dropping from her head? > She raised her >hands in supplication. > >"Mother," Rei began, "I know you can hear me. Crow: [Rei] So turn off your soaps and pay attention! > I have prayed to >you since your death. Tom: [Rei] I know it sounded like swearing, but I was just too stricken with grief to express it. > You know that I miss you dearly, but you >and Grandpa taught me the ways of the miko. Crow: The singer with the Velvet Underground? Cool! Mike: No, that's Nico, Crow. > I pray to you now to >help my friend Ami. Tom: [Rei] She's drawing to an inside straight. I *warned* her to keep the two pair. But noooo, no glory in two pair! > She too has suffered pain and suffering in >her life, and now her own life is in jeopardy. Mike: She's suffered suffering? > If she is in >mortal danger, help her. Crow: [Rei] If not, um, could you put, like, ten pounds on her and make her face break out? > I cannot help her myself now, Mike: 'Cause Tony Tuscadero's coming over tonight. > for she >is far away. Listen to my entreaties, Mother. This I pray in >the name of Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven Shining Deity who >watches over our people." > Crow: I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think Japanese doesn't translate so well into English. >Suddenly, the fire died out. Mike: She just kept talking 'til it committed suicide. > A woman in flowing red robes, >robes that seem to be aflame with the very fire of the Sun >itself, appeared; Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Diana Ross! Tom: Wow. She's got a certain *flare* about her, huh guys? A *solar* flare? Huh? Ya get it? > she had long, flowing black hair and her eyes >seemed to be aflame with solar fire themselves. Mike: So... flowing flames seems to be the motif here... > It was >Amaterasu-Omikami herself. Tom: o/~ Here comes the sun, doo-n-doo-doo! Here comes the sun! And I say, she's-much-shorter-than-I-expected! o/~ > Rei did not want to admit it, but now >she was trembling. > Tom: [Rei] I hope my...beads of sweat...aren't giving me away. >"Do not be afraid of me, my child," Amaterasu-Omikami began to >say; Mike: [Rei] I'm not, it's just your spots'll screw up our reception! > "I have heard your supplication and all shall be done as you >have asked." Crow: Except for that Scott Wolf thing. I mean, even godhood has limits. > She reached a hand out to her forehead, Mike: Amaterasu-Omikami has a headache this big, and it has this story written all over it. > and it >seemed energy flowed from her to Rei. > Tom: Smoke rose from Rei as she screamed in agony and burst into flames. >"Receive this gift of mine; it is extra energy to help you in the >ordeal ahead," Amaterasu-Omikami said. Tom: [Amaterasu-Omikami] It's full of nutri-grain goodness. > "Go in peace, my child." Crow: But mostly, just go! >With that, she vanished, and Rei seemed to faint. She recovered >a few minutes later and left the room. She did not dare reveal >at the time what had happened. > Mike: Because the last time she did, everyone decided it was time for a quick round of Rorschach and Prozac. Tom: I liked that woman. She had real *star quality!* *POOM!* Mike: Tom, the next sun pun, I get the stun gun. OK? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >It was the morning of the big game at Lawndale, due to the time >difference. Crow: Bare-knuckled time zone excitement! > The Lawndale Militia had gathered for a pre-attack >meeting. Tom: Darn bureaucracy! > Anthony Corlew stood up deliver a pre-attack speech: > Mike: o/~ This is the speech to the pre-attack, the opening speech for the pre-attack. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his fight speech! o/~ >"My comrades in arms! This is the big day we have been planning >for months now. Tom: [grunt] Is it? Crow: [same] But what's gonna happen? Mike: [same] First *I've* heard of it. > If we need yet another reason why we need to >take over Lawndale, then the nation, it is in the news we've all >heard this morning. Tom: [Andrew] They've cancelled "It's Like, You Know"! Mike: Sounds like someone has delusions of grandeur Crow: They're preparing for the Joe's Bar & Grillhall Putsch! > The hijacking of the JAL flight proves that >we need to seize power. Tom: [Corlew] After all, the hijacking of another nation's airline surely proves that our government is corrupt! Mike: Lawndale being the obvious choice as a stepping stone to world domination. > If we had a government that was not >afraid to use its military might when needed, things like this >wouldn't happen. Mike: Or they would, but they'd end in cool explosions! > Our present philandering, draft-dodging >President does not have the balls to use his powers that are >given to him. Crow: Well, he does *have* them - but tragically, he lets them do his thinking for him. > And if--God forbid--the hijacker explodes the >plane over our airspace, it will not look good for us. Mike: [Corlew] Plus, it might interfere with the football game! Tom: Actually, sir, won't it rally world opinion around our fight against terrorists? Mike: [Corlew] You're new, here, Jenkins, so I'm only going to kill you a little bit. >Therefore, in the name of all that is right with the white middle >class, Mike: By which I mean Jewel and "Law and Order"... > let us mobilize and take our positions." > Crow: And the Lawndale Militia raised their banner with the Triumvirate of Steve Douglas, Darren Stevens, and Ozzie Nelson. >The members of the militia got up and began to move out. > Tom: [Corlew] And remember! If you get lost, we meet back in the parking lot at 3! Mike: [whining] General Corlew! Sergeant Thorne's hitting me! Tom: [Corlew] That's his job, son. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dr. Vander Helffen was watching the coverage of the hijacking >situation on Asahi TV. He had summoned Yoriko, who was expected >to arrive shortly. > Mike: Can you really "summon" someone who's coming anyway? Tom: [Helffen] Now I will command the tides to recede at precisely 9:43! Crow: Doc, could you put the almanac down, please? It's getting creepy! >Yoriko entered. Crow: That's certainly shortly. > Dr. Vander Helffen motioned her to sit down. He >said: > Tom: [Helffen] Have you ever considered the advantages of Amway? >"Yoriko, now is the time for us to launch 'Operation Iron Fist.' Tom: [Yoriko] This isn't like "Operation Steel Gaze", where I went down to the store and bought you a pint of Phish Food, is it? >Now that the attention of the world is focused on this hijacking, >now is the time to strike. Crow: So we're on strike! No more terrorism until those guys come down from their ivory towers and negotiate! > Get our best ninja soldiers together >and get some sarin bombs and proceed to the joint SDF/USAF base >near Yokohama. Tom: You bet, sir! Um, what was the middle part, again? > Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot!" > Crow: So, I'm just guessing here, but this must be the time to strike. Mike: The evidence certainly points to it. Tom: For the remainder of the story, the part of Dr. Vander Helffen will be played by Mojo Jojo. >"Understood, Dr. Vander Helffen," responded Yoriko. > Tom: [Yoriko] And, 5! 4! 3! 2... Crow: [Helffen] Oh, Yoriko! I've changed my mind! It's such a nice day, let's have a picnic with ice cold root beer and buckets of fried chicken! Tom: [Yoriko] Right on schedule. Poor dumb bastard. Mike: I wish I understood what the heck is going on. Tom: Let's take a break to figure it out... [They stand up and exit the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: Well, four chapters in and no end in sight. Crow: Come on, Mike. This is a cake walk so far. Tom: Yeah! There aren't many grammar or spelling errors, and there seems to be a plot, albeit a rather goofy one. Crow: Well, and the characters seem to have wandered in from another story. Tom: Oh, and there's that whole breast thing, but I'm blaming that on Noah. Mike: I guess you're right. Still, I get the horrible feeling that things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get any... [Suddenly, three men dash into view. Two of them are dressed as stereotypical Middle-Eastern terrorists. The third wears a Green Bay Packer sweatshirt and knit hat. All three carry rifles.] Mike: Why do I do that? Something always proves me right... Terrorist #1: Hold, infidels! We are the People's United Resistance Front! We are seizing this vessel in the name of... Mike: [Sigh] Excuse me, but... Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel! You will cease your infernal yapping! Terrorist #2: Riyadh! Tom: Well, since Crow and I are robots, we can't really be infidels as we don't really have any souls. Crow: That's right! We're soulless automatons! Terrorist #1: Oh. I guess I can talk to you then. Tom: But the Doughboy here is one of those infidels all right. Mike: Hey! Terrorist #1: Then you will remain silent, evil one! Terrorist #2: Ben Lauden! [An uncomfortable silence. The bots and the terrorists stand around uneasily.] Crow: So, um... Don't you guys have demands or something? Tom: And what's the deal with the Packers guy? Terrorist #1: Demands? Oh, yes, demands! Please forgive me. I'm still a bit new at this. Ahem. Infidels! We are seizing control of this vessel to strike a blow at the heart of the Great Satan! You will take us to the epicenter of the evil... [Dramatic pause, close-up on the terrorist] The Circle K at 315 Vine in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! [Cambot pans out to restore the full view of the bridge.] Crow: Oh. Well, I can certainly see why you'd do that. Tom: But what about the Packers guy? Terrorist #1: Oh. That's Todd. He gave us a ride here. Todd: Woo-hoo! Packers! Crow: Have you considered the socio-economic ramifications of your actions though? After all, if the Circle K is wiped out, it could have repercussions throughout the convenience store industry in Truth... Mike: [Interrupting] Excuse me, guys? Terrorist #1: Silence, infidel! Terrorist #2: Rutabaga! Mike: Yes, yes. Silence, infidel. I just that you'd like to know that we can't control the ship from up here. The people on the ground who also hold us hostage steer the thing. Terrorist #1: Cease your lies, infidel! Crow: No he's right. Tom: This puppy's about as mobile as Ted Kennedy during Happy Hour. Terrorist #1: Hmm. Perhaps you are all trying to mislead us into thinking that we can't seize the plane... Mike: It's actually a spaceship... Terrorist #1: Silence! Terrorist #2: Xylophone! Terrorist #1: One of these other doors must lead to the cockpit! We'll go through this one! [The terrorist and his companion walk up to the theater doors.] Crow: Nope, that leads to the theater. Tom: We watch bad movies in there. Terrorist #1: Oh. Bad movies? Like "Batman and Robin"? Crow: No. Not at all. [He walks to the door to the hologazebo.] Terrorist #1: Well, this must be the door to the cockpit then. Mike: No, that's the door to the deathtrap. Terrorist #1: AHA! Your lies have lead us to the truth! This, THIS leads to the cockpit! Soon, we shall take our rightful control of this vessel and then we shall return to wreak our vengeance on you! Goodbye, robots. Infidel. Terrorist #2: Zappa. Mike: No! Don't...! [The terrorists, ignoring Mike's protests, walk to the back of the bridge and walk through the open door, which has tinny music pouring out of it. Mike and the bots walk to the open door and peer inside.] Terrorist #1: [O.S.] Say! What a cute bunny! Bunny: [O.S.] Bite me, nerd boy. [A "KA-CHICK" sound can be heard, followed by screams of abject terror. The bots look away from the opening as Mike closes the door. The trio walks solemnly towards the console.] Mike: Well, the fluffy bunnies claim more victims. [Todd walks towards the open hologazebo door.] Mike: Hey! Where are you going? Todd: Those guys have my smokes. I'll be right back. PACKERS! Mike: No, wait...! [Todd also enters the Hologazebo. Sure enough, more sounds of death and destruction emerge] Mike: Sigh. Why don't they listen? Tom: And you said it wouldn't be useful. Crow: Gee, Mike. I really wish the terrorists could have spoken about their plan some more. I think that they might have really been onto something there... [As both Tom and Mike stare quizzically at Crow, the movie sign begins to flash.] Tom: Mike? Can we fit one more person into the holo program? Mike: I wish we could, Tom, but WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins again...] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .] [The trio enters the theater.] Crow: You don't suppose those terrorists are going to die horrible, screaming deaths, do you? Mike: It's okay, Crow. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm sure they were just sent to another dimension. Tom: Well, back to "Magnolia Sourapple Neosporin Doolittle Bagpipe Doormats." >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 5: The NIRAA Strikes! > >At Lawndale High School, Mr. DeMartino was speaking to Angela Li, >the principal. He was trying to persuade her to cancel the game >due to some security concerns. > Mike: [DeMartino] Why, for all we know some loony with a nuke might be planning to blow up the big game! >"Ms. Li," Tom: ...Loves Company. [Mike and Crow groan loudly] > Mr. DeMartino began, "given the fact that a terrorist >has seized a plane and has it going to the United States has me >gravely concerned that there might be a chance he might bring it >over to our community. Crow: [DeMartino] And I'm SURE that those killer BEES are gunning for ME! > We should cancel the game." > Crow: [DeMartino] And not because WE'RE going to get our HEADS handed to us EITHER. >"Forget it, DeMartino," Ms. Li said, "there's too much money at >stake here! Tom: [Li] I got fifty large on the other team! Um, Thompson's still in at quarterback, right? > We've got a sold out stadium, Mike: What, all twelve tickets? > I promised Mystic >Spiral I'd pay them $1000 for playing the national anthem, and >the Fashion Club's poised to make a lot of sales with their >homemade goodies." > Crow: Wow, I never knew high school football was so profitable. >"Dammit, Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino roared, "is money all you ever >think about? What about people's lives?" > Crow: [Li] To hell to their lives! I have to think about the homemade goodies. Mike: He's a football coach who makes underdeveloped young boys run directly into 200-pound linemen! He's not the best person to be lecturing about safety! >"I could make things rather rough on you if I ask the Board of >Education of start disciplinary hearings against you for >insubordination!," warned Ms. Li. > Tom: Unbeknownst to Ms. Li, Mr DeMartino liked the idea rough disciplinary action. Mike: 'Unbeknownst'? Tom: Unbeknownst. >With that, Mr. DeMartino realized that Ms. Li had him. > >"All right," shouted Mr. DeMartino, "go ahead with your damn >game, Crow: Dam Games! The Olympics of Boulder, Colorado! > but it'll be on your conscience if anything happens to >anyone out there!" With that, he left the office. > Mike: [DeMartino] Except for the life long, debilitating football injuries. Those will still be my fault. Tom: The "portending warning" scene, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give 'em a hand! Crow: Without such professional Cassandras, the disasters that keep us entertained would lack the high moral content we Americans take for granted! So give it up! Let them know you care! >"Paranoid bastard!," Ms. Li dismissed the entire affair with a >huff. > Mike: And a puff, and she blew the whole story down. Crow: I dunno. This seems much more like an episode of "Guiding Light" than Daria. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Downtown Lawndale was quiet, Crow: [film noir] Too quiet. I headed down to the Morgendorffers to investigate a triple homicide. Something in my gut told me this was going to be a long night... > since almost everyone was heading >for the game. Meanwhile, the Lawndale Militia had quietly >assumed attack positions. Tom: George, why is that man pointing a gun at us? Mike: Not sure, but he sure is being quiet about it. > Trucks were parked in strategic >positions in town. Tom: The Feed Store, Ajax Supermarket, Bun'n'Run... > Anthony was making a check of the situation. > >"Troop A ready at City Hall?," he said on a portable CB radio. > Mike: That's a big 10-4, good buddy. >"Check," said the first troop leader. > Crow: He didn't say "break" first! >"Troop B ready at Police Headquarters?," Anthony asked. > Tom: Sir, Johnson shot the sheriff! He was supposed to shoot the deputy! >"Check," replied the second troop leader. > Tom: [Anthony] Troop F, Ready at Fort Courage? Crow: EET EES BALLOOOOOOOON!! >Finally, Anthony asked, "Troop C ready at the Courthouse?" > >"Check," stated the third troop leader. All was set. > Mike: Soon, they'd all have their drivers' licenses renewed! Tom: The fiends! >"OK, now we wait for the right moment to strike," said Anthony. > Crow: Doodly-doodly-doodly... Tom: Sir, it's been three months! Our wives are getting lonely! Mike: Nope! You stay there and wait for the right- oh, shoot, you know what? I think that was the right moment! Darn! It's gone now! Crow: Wow, arguing about the right moment made us miss the moment! Tom: Huh. Well, ya gotta laugh, I suppose. >Almost no one noticed when a bus stopped and left off Beavis and >Butt-Head, who began their hideous laughter as they headed down >the street toward the high school. > Mike: [Beavis] Hn-hn! I hope this football game doesn't detract from the fine high school band program Lawndale has! >"Wait a minute," Anthony said, "it's those two idiots who threw >firecrackers at the scrimmage." > Crow: Jeez, what kind of feeb forgets a name like "Butthead"? >"Should we kill them?," Poindexter asked. > All: Yes! Tom: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease... Mike: If you do, you'll be declared the unqualified heroes of the story! >"No," Anthony replied. Mike: [Anthony] I'll handle them two personally. Mwahahahaha! > "We'll deal with those two soon enough. >Hold your positions. It'll only make the taste of victory that >much sweeter." > Mike: Huh? Crow: I'm sensing some very capricious victory conditions in play here. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The joint SDF/USAF base near Yokohama was one of the biggest on >Honshu, the main island of Japan. Mike: The biggest air base on Honshu was owned by Bill Gates. He used it to house his airfleet that he'd soon use to take over the world. Crow: And Daria will tell you all about it right now! Tom: Ugh, this fic's giving me jet lag. > Airman First Class Brian >Mackenzie, Mack's cousin, was doing some routine maintenance on >his F-15C Eagle when he got the orders. > Crow: Well, that's the first time I've ever heard it called *that* before! Mike: Well, it's nice to see those loose ends getting wrapped up ...several hundred pages later. >"Mackenzie," Sgt. Frank Stone said, "we've just got our orders in >from the Pentagon. Tom: [Sgt] Find a hammer and pay $700 for it, stat! > We are to intercept the JAL plane and force >the terrorist to land the plane outside the mainland. Your unit >is to scramble immediately." > Mike: And the USAF's crack anti-egg squad moves into action! >Brian didn't waste time. He finished up his maintenance and got >ready to go. Crow: His top says, "I Went To The Danger Zone! And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". > He didn't even notice the white, unmarked truck >that was approaching the gate. Tom: They're ignoring the Good Humor man? Boy, it *must* be serious! Mike: Hey, it's Sweet Tooth in a cameo! > The two guards on sentry duty >did, but they were ran over as the truck crashed through the gate >and pulled to a stop. Crow: "Watchtower" isn't taking "no" for an answer this time. > It was what he saw next that was shocking. > Tom: One of those new gold dollar coins! Mike: David Letterman, back at work after only a week! Crow: Yeah, the truck breaking down the barricade happens every payday. No big whoop. >The NIRAA ninja soldiers pulled out small black boxes, Tom: Oh, so if any of them crash, their valuable flight data won't be lost. > pushed the >buttons on them, and then donned gas masks. Crow: Pee-yew! Tom: Must've ate at Taco Bell last night. > Brian, not a fool, Tom: Just a drunkard. >got into the cockpit of his fighter and activated the oxygen. Crow: Unfortunately, Brian, having just transferred in from the elite USAF Blimp division, had accidentally filled his tanks with helium. Let's watch the fun! >The devices went off, sending deadly clouds of sarin gas in the >air. Tom: o/~ Sa-rin... SA-rin... Storms are brewin' in her eyes... o/~ > There was enough to kill everyone outside. > Mike: Brian knew this from looking? Is he the idiot savant of poison gas attacks? >Brian activated his radio and alerted the tower: > >"This is Airman Mackenzie to tower! Mike: [Brian] I spilled my coffee, over! > Some terrorists have just >entered the base and activated sarin bombs! Crow: [Brian] And it's 4:59! Should I just swipe out? > Seal all vents in >all buildings at once! I'll try to stop the terrorists until >help comes. Mike: I'll make a few calls! Disbursements might know something! > Out!" > Tom: Damn spot! Crow: [Brian] I'm out of Mentos! What a world, what a world! >The cloud began to subside, and the ninja terrorists moved toward >the hangar where the Neo-Zero prototype was being stored. Mike: The who? The what? Tom: It's the plane. I, um, think. Crow: Um, should I ask why the Americans are guarding a top secret Japanese airplane? Mike: We better not. We might get an explanation. > They >now had their masks off. It turned out that one of the ninja >soldiers was none other than Yoriko herself. > Mike: An unexpected development! Tom: What? Mike: That's what this story needs, an unexpected development! >"Open the doors to that hanger!," she ordered. > Tom: [HAL] I'm sorry. I can't let you do that, Dave. >Two of the ninja soldiers opened the doors, and the Neo-Zero >prototype was now revealed. Mike: [Yoriko] What?! *BREAKFAST CEREAL?!* Crow: [announcer] Yes! New Neo-Zero gives you rice! Corn! And the hearty crunch of rye! A taste that's worth betraying your country for! Tom: So this is the result of security being 'tightened to the biggest extent possible'? > It was unlike any jet fighter the >SDF currently had. Crow: The revolutionary "no wings" innovation had yet to be accepted by the aviation industry. > Based on the rejected YF-23 design from >Northrop/McDonnell Douglas, the Neo-Zero was vastly improved by >Mitsubishi over the original design specifications. Mike: So it's smaller, and comes with optional duoflow control? Tom: They probably threw in a passenger side airbag too. > The capacity >for AAM's had been doubled thanks to the design of new, smaller >and more effective "Neo-Sidewinder" missiles; one of those had >the explosive power of two regular Sidewinders. Tom: Y'know, I'm neo-sensing a neo-theme with Neo-Guerin's neo-story. Mike: Neo kidding? > The machine guns >were also new: Mike: Thanks to the grant, they came complete with bullets. Tom: Probably Neo-machine guns. > it was the experimental 35-mm "Deathgrip" cannon. Mike: Just the thing to use on an important mission, experimental weaponry. Crow: You load the gun and it shoots things! How experimental can it be? >Further, radar jamming devices on the fighter made it even more >stealthy than it already was. Tom: It had its own show on UPN, assuring no one would *ever* see it! > All in all, the Neo-Zero was a >worthy successor to the legendary fighter plane that was its >namesake; Mike: Perfectly capable of attacking Pearl Harbor any time! > although paying homage to the past, it was symbolizing >Japan's ascendancy as the second most powerful nation in the >world, Crow: Ironically, there's a little tag underneath that says, "Made in Taiwan". > a nation that was committed to peace, albeit it was ready >to defend that peace if need be. > Tom: Dost mine ears detect the sound of a soapbox being tucked away? All: BANZAI! >Yoriko stepped up to the cockpit and opened the canopy. Mike: Oh, look, it's Succoth! > She >stepped in and began the pre-flight check. > Mike: [Yoriko] Lessee...Twinkies, check. Ding Dongs, check. Damn, where're my Ho Ho's? >Brian had seen what was going on. Until help arrived, it was up >to him to stop the hijacking. > Crow: [squeaky teen] Excuse me, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to sit down, or I'll call the manager. >"Hold it right there!," he yelled. > Tom: [Brian] I must validate your parking! Where's your stub? >Yoriko had started the Neo-Zero up, and it was slowly taxiing out >of the hangar toward Brian. > Tom: Yeah, it's taking the scenic runway, all right! Mike: And you just *know* the meter's already running. >"I said to hold it right there!," he repeated. > Crow: [Brian] Stop, or I'll say "Stop!" again! >Yoriko fired the Deathgrip cannon. Brian got out of the way, >only to be in the way of several ninja soldiers who proceeded to >use their nunchuckas on him. Tom: I dunno about you guys, but I'm ready to upchuckas. > Yoriko now got on the runway and >put the plane on full throttle; it was roaring down the runway >and soon took off. Yoriko activated the afterburners and soon >the craft reached its maximum speed of Mach 2.5, Crow: See, this is what happens when you don't put "The Club" on your super top secret death plane! > once again an >improvement over the YF-23's original performance specs. Crow: So adding Neo onto a plane's name makes it faster? Tom: Neo for a Neo-Tomorrow! > Yoriko >armed all systems, and set a course for Tokyo. > Mike: Wow, this is just like "James and the Giant Peach", but without the peach. Or the talking bugs. And I wanna shoot myself from boredom. >Luckily for Brian, several MP's arrived on the scene. After a >brief scuffle, the ninja soldiers had been captured, Crow: [sarcasm] Oh really, how startling. Mike: I've come to think "ninja" must be Japanese for "loser". > but already >the damage had been done. > Mike: Brian is dead, long live Brian! >One of the MP's asked Brian, "Did you see what happened?" > Crow: [Brian] Well, I was rather busy getting the snot beat out of me at the time. >"Every last thing, Sir," Brian said. "I tried to stop them, Tom: [Brian] I like, held my hand up, and whined really hard! > but >they had detonated serin bombs. Crow: But thankfully not *sarin* bombs. > I was lucky to escape that, they >tried again to stop them. They overwhelmed me." > Crow: [MP] So they tried to stop them, but they had detonated bombs and then they couldn't. Mike: [Brian] Exactly! >"Airman," replied the MP, "this is a very serious matter that's >just happened here. [All snigger. Mike slaps his head in disbelief.] Tom: [MP] The theft of the giant death plane concerns me greatly! You may not appreciate it, but that thing's not insured yet! > Whoever has that fighter can cause havoc >anywhere in Japan right now. Crow: [MP] It could even disrupt many high school football games, such as the great Lawndale-Highland match being held later today! > But at least your quick thinking >might have spared quite a few lives inside. Crow: Inside what? Tom: Good thinking, letting the gas disperse like that. > We're going to send >you to Gen. Torymura for a debriefing." > Mike: And all they ever found of Brian Mackenzie were the fillings from his teeth. >Brian followed the MP's as they put the captured ninja soldiers >in a truck. Tom: Soon they'll be packed in ice and shipped to grocery stores all over the world. > They were soon heading for the base stockade and the >main administration building. > Tom: [MP] Woo! Man. What a day, huh Rob? I wonder what happened to all that poison gaAAAAACK! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Sendai Hill Shrine was abuzz with activity. Mike: Everybody was Kung Fu fighting! > Reports were coming >in about the JAL situation, Tom: Look at this - Grant Morrison's the new writer! Mike: JAL, Tom, not JLA. > and now the report of the theft of >the Neo-Zero was coming in. > Crow: Did you hear about the Neo-Zeo? Tom: Heard about it in Rio while driving my Geo! Mike: I heard from my good friends, Theo and Cleo! Crow: They say it was some trio singing "O Solo Mio"! >"We've just got this report in from Yokohama," an NHK >anchorperson began to say. Mike: "Roseanne to Mandate Chemical Castration!" Says Former Love Slave. > "An experimental jet fighter has just >been stolen from the joint SDF/USAF base located at the port >city. Tom: Police have detained a suspicious young black male for questioning. > It seems to be on a direct course for Tokyo. Tom: Seems to be? Mike: Well, it might be headed for Dubuque. Crow: It *seems* to me that someone's a little too fond of that word. > SDF and >American military personnel are asking all civilians to take >necessary precautions in case of an air attack. Crow: If the air attacks us, where can we hide?! It's everywhere! > We will have >further warnings and bulletins here on NHK as we receive them." > Mike: [newscaster] Oh! Another bulletin! The Go Club is having its annual bake sale to raise go awareness throughout Japan! >"I guess now I should tell you about my meeting with Ryu," Mamoru >said. > Crow: [Mamoru] He thinks we should team up and form a folk-singing lounge lizard duet. >"What do you mean, Mamo-chan?," Usagi asked. > >Mamoru began, "Ryu asked--I digress, demanded-- Crow: Implied! Stipulated! *SANG!* > the Sailor >Senshi's assistance in case the Neo-Zero fighter was hijacked. >We have no choice. Mike: Jeez, you make saving the world sound like a *bad* thing! > Special Intelligence has extensive files on >each of us." > Tom: I mean, they must be telling the truth, right? They are the government and all. >"But they don't have one on me," Daria was quick to point out. > Crow: [Daria] I mean, the American government obviously wouldn't have any records on me, right? >"Not yet," Mamoru replied. > Crow: [Mamoru] They're still assembling their "Gloomy Gaijan Girl" division. >Mamoru's cellular phone began to ring. > Mike: [Mamoru] Country 104 plays the boot-scooting best music! >"Hello, Chiba Mamoru speaking," was his answer. > Tom: [Ryu] It's Ryu. Could you send us all the information that you have on that new Sailor Mercury? Crow: [Mamoru] Sure thing! >"Mamoru," said the voice on the phone, "this is Ryu. The time >has come. Mike: o/~ Sends shivers down my spine, body's achin' all the time... o/~ > You and the others are to go to the joint SDF/USAF >base in Yokohama for you assignment briefing immediately." Tom: [Mamoru] But can't we just go stop the plane? Crow: [Ryu] No, no. Not before you come here and we threaten you. > Ryu >stopped there and hung up. > Mike: He didn't say goodbye? How rude! >"We've just got our orders," said Mamoru. "We've got to move it >to the SDF/USAF base at once." > Crow: Move *what* to the base? Tom: *It*! You know - the, the thingy! >Usagi never thought that the Sailor Senshi would ever be called >to stop an internal threat to Japan; always the threat was from >outer space, from another dimension, from another time. Crow: Or even from south Detroit. Tom: Aren't bankrobbers an internal threat? > Now >Usagi and the others had grown up too fast. > Tom: Pardon me? Usagi's gonna break into "Sunrise Sunset"? Why? Mike: o/~ Is this the anime I sleeeept through? o/~ >"All right, everyone!," said Usagi, "It looks like we have no >choice in this matter! Tom: Well, actually you have a choice between doing it and not doing it. It may not be much of a choice, but still..... > Prepare to transform!" > Crow: Optimus Prime, GO! >The Sailor Senshi began their transformations again: > Tom: Brace yourselves! >"ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: SUPER CROW STAR POWER... Tom: No. We've already done that. Crow: Hey, you're not the only one around here who looks good in a skirt! Mike: Okay...let's not go there. >"SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: PREVIOUS TRANSFORM SEQUENCE, CUT-AND-PASTE! >"SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Khaki Cargo Pants, Extra Wide! >"SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: Personally I think it'd be neat if there were one really shy Sailor Senshi, who just sorta went into a corner and whispered her change phrase to herself? >"SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Super Camping Planet Power, Hike! >"SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: Shazam! Crow: [Popeye theme] o/~ Da, da-da-da-da, da-da! o/~ Tom: Wonder twin powers, activate! >"SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Crow: Extra Wide Butt Power, Kissy-Kiss! >"SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: Super Telemundo Blaster, Make Out! >"SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Mike: So maybe this is like Japan's equivalent to a daily self-actualization prayer? Crow: Could be. >"SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" > Tom: [He-Man] I HAVE THE POWEEEER! Crow: You know, Earth is a planet too. How come there's no Sailor Earth? Answer me that, huh? Mike: Super Planet of the Apes Power, Stinking Paws! >As soon as each of the Sailor Senshi and Mamoru had completed >their transformation, they headed for the base. > Mike: Oh, um, while you were transforming? The plane took out Tokyo. And Kyoto. And Hemenji, and Kanoya, Nara, Osaka... Crow: I have heard that sometimes one sentence can take the place of many. Tom: Really? >"I never thought my trip was going to take this turn!," Daria >said to herself, still fussing over her seirafuku. > Crow: She adjusts her porn costume! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ Tom: This whole story is thanks to that damn dress-up gimmick at the end of every Daria episode, isn't it? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Ladies and gentlemen," Gen. Torymura began to speak, "I guess >you know why you're here right now. Mike: [Torymura] You want to learn how to find incredible bargains at police and sheriff's auctions. > The Neo-Zero prototype has >been stolen by the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association, an >extreme right-wing organization that wants to restore the wartime >military government that had ruled Japan. Crow: Can we just fast forward through this part? > This aircraft is so >advanced, it makes every jet fighter now with the SDF obsolete. Tom: [Usagi] Well, there's one power that the Neo-Zero can't make obsolete. And that's the power of our friendship! Mike: [Torymura] Well, actually the cockpit comes fully equipped with frozen Snickers bars and a Sega Dreamcast. Tom: [Usagi] It does?! Oh my god! Screw you losers, I'm outta here! >The NIRAA's objective is to use the Neo-Zero in a terrorist >campaign to bomb Tokyo until the civilian government surrenders >to them. Crow: Or until they run out of bombs. > Your mission is to stop the Neo-Zero and the NIRAA at >all costs. Tom: [Rei] Will our strategy be to shoot at it until it blows up? Mike: [Torymura] *WHO TOLD YOU?!* > You have complete authority to use whatever means >necessary to stop them. Crow: So feel free to cut down high-tension wires and rejuvenate any spare monsters we have lying around. Tom: Does that include not inviting the terrorists to our Halloween party, sir? Mike: Any means necessary. Crow: Bad-mouthing them to their friends? Mike: Again... Tom: Talking about the terrorists to their face like they're not even there? > Do I make myself clear?" > Mike: No, you make yourself opaque. >"General," Sailor Moon began, "with all due respect, the Sailor >Senshi are not some mercenary force; we don't go out on commando >missions for anyone." > Tom: [Usagi] Just the ones who can afford the price tag. >"Listen, sister," Gen. Torymura replied, "this isn't any fun and >games here! Crow: This ain't no party! No disco! No foolin' around! > You're not dealing with some powerful alien beings >trying to take over the world! Mike: You're dealing with some powerful human beings trying to take over the world! There's a big difference! > We're dealing with a ruthless >terrorist organization that wants to re-annex both Koreas, all of >Sakhalin Island, the Kuriles and Taiwan Crow: But they'll never capture our hearts! > as well as retake the >Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Tom: Harvard Law School, > Singapore, Malaysia, India, >Pakistan, Mike: That new Staples they built by the Palmer Video... > The People's Republic of China, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Crow: Bhutan Rouge? >Vietnam, Mynamar, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, [All start to growl and sigh.] Tom: Ok. Yeah. The *world.* They want to take over *the world.* You could've just said! > the Pescadores, >Indonesia and the various Oceanic nations. Crow: But yet, they don't want New Zealand. Tom: There's a lesson there for you, you Kiwi bastards. Mike: Wow! Half these countries have vanished since the story was written! > They've even issued >grandiose statements about waging nuclear war against the United >States, Russia, [All repeat their growls.] Crow: [Usagi] Look! You know your geography! We get that! Can we start hitting things now? > Great Britain and France. Mike: [Torymura] We can't risk starting a war with France! It will surely doom the entire world! Crow: Does Japan even have any nuclear weapons? Tom: They don't have any super powered preteens either, but yet they keep showing up. > Sailor Moon, or shall >I call you Ms. Tsukino, this is a very grave matter. This isn't >something you can just say some magic words and hope your enemies >turn to dust. Tom: Why not? It's always worked before. Mike: Well, this time they're up against a really big plane. Crow: But... Mike: Guys, it's a *really big plane*. > We must use force against the NIRAA and stop them >from destroying half a century of progress!" > Mike: Sure, downhill progress but still..... Tom: On the plus side A&E'll have like twenty hours of fresh footage for new war specials! >"But by using some of the methods your government denounces the >NIRAA in using, isn't your government being hypocritical?," Daria >retorted. > All: Huh? What? Mike: Is Daria implying Japan stole a NIRAA plane and is going to bomb the terrorists? Crow: I think it's a sort of pacifist if-we-shoot-back-we'll-be- as-bad-as-them kinda deal. Tom: Huh. Takes all kinds, I guess. >"No one asked you, sister!," Gen. Torymura replied. Mike: [Torymura] Now sit down before you give me cooties. > "And who the >Hell are you anyway? You're not Mizuno Ami, alias Sailor >Mercury!" > Crow: It's Old Man Witherspoon, the guy who runs the haunted amusement park! >"No, I'm not," she replied. "I'm Daria Morgendorffer from the >United States. All: D'OH!!!! Tom: [Daria] And apparently, I've never watched enough Batman to figure out how to keep a secret identity. > I'm filling in for Ms. Mizuno. Tom: Supertemps! > She's now on >board the JAL plane that's been taken hostage by Islamic Jihad." > Tom: And weren't we all relieved by the little plot twist, believe you me. Crow: That implies there's a plot to twist! Tom: Oops. Right. Heh-heh. Sorry. >"Don't get wise with me, Ms. Morgendorffer!," replied Gen. >Torymura. Mike: [miffed] She was answering a question! Crow: Give her a chance, at least! > "You may sass around like you do back in the United >States, Tom: [guffawing] "Sass around"?!? Mike: Apparently, grandmother helped with the dialog. > but remember, we have a saying here in Japan: Tom: "Do as I say or I'll cry like a four-year-old girl!" > 'The nail >that sticks up gets hammered down!'" > Crow: Wow. He summed up Japan in one sentence. I'm impressed. Mike: It's from the Reader's Digest condensed atlas. Surprisingly effective. >"And we have a saying back at the United States you should know >about," snapped back Daria. > >"And what's that?," demanded Gen. Torymura. > Crow: "Gotta Catch 'Em All" - oh wait, that's yours, too. >"'Up yours!,'" shouted Daria. > Tom: It's "Independence Day" all over again... Crow: There are Horatio Alger novels with more plot twists than this story! >Gen. Torymura seemed to blow a fuse. > Crow: Somebody must have stuck a penny in his ear. >"Daria, that was uncalled for!", Luna said, Crow: In all fairness, the general was screaming at her for no reason. Tom: Oh, Crow, they were doing nothing for no reason for so long. At least doing something for no reason gives us a target to spit at. > dropping her >reservations about speaking when strangers were about. > Mike: After all, surely the military wouldn't possibly have any interest in a talking cat. >"You listen and you listen good, all of you!," said Gen. >Torymura. Tom: [Torymura] When I was five my family was killed by a talking cat! > "You will co-operate with us, or you will never get >out of all the possible legal trouble you could face!" > Mike: [Torymura] Even Johnny Cochran won't save you! Crow: You know, it's possible the new emperor and his right-wing junta will have better things to do than continue your legal vendetta. >Daria seized Gen. Torymura by his lapels and threw him against >the wall. > Tom: He must have been singing Anthony Newley songs. Crow: Or made a pun. >"Now you listen to me, Sir!," growled Daria. "I've got a friend >on board that JAL flight and I'm scared for her! Mike: What if her seat doesn't really double as a floatation device? > For the first >time in my life, I'm worried for my family back home! Mike: Why does everyone just *assume* this plane's heading for Lawndale?!? Crow: Well, you know what they say about people who assume, Mikey. > The last >thing I need is your military crap! Tom: [Daria] We're perfectly happy with our civilian crap, thank you very much! > We'll stop the NIRAA from >blowing up Tokyo and maybe get your precious Neo-Zero back, but >we want to play by our rules! Mike: [Daria] So anything below the belt is fair game, body checking scores bonus points, and kilts are *required*. Got it? > Adults screw up things a lot as it >is! Crow: Oh, yes, "Lord of the Flies" was such a social utopia! > And the last thing I need is some holier-than-thou flag >officer in my face!" > Crow: Okay, why exactly is Daria talking like David Hackworth? Mike: Hackworth talks about adults screwing things up? Crow: Okay, why is Daria talking like David Hackworth, as if he was written by Judy Blume? >Daria let go of him and he seemed to slink to the floor. Mike: She browbeats Norman Schwarzkopf! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ > He got >us slowly. > Crow: [Torymura] I see. Ryu, prepare the firing squad. Mike: [Daria] Oops! >"Fine, do it your way," he finally conceded; "see if I care. Crow: [distraught] I, I, I don't care, not at a-ahuh-ahuh- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! > I'm >not going to argue with a bullheaded, hotheaded American gaijin- >shojo with an attitude problem. Crow: Man, this is awkward! Why can't he just come out and say he likes her, and wants to take her out sometime? Tom: Save'em both a lot of grief. > I just hope to God you save our >nation, that's all." > Mike: [Torymura] Aw, what the heck. I can just leave the safety of the nation in the hands of some uberkinders. Always worked before. >Somehow, Daria had a humbling effect on Gen. Torymura. > Tom: Hm, try to push around superheroes and they push back! Who'da thunk it? Crow: Plus there's that whole "getting beat up by a girl" thing. >"We'd better check the radar readings," he finally said. Mike: And with the mention of his name, Gary Burghoff appeared. > They >left to go to the radar room. > Mike: You know guys, I don't even think the awesome power of RADAR! could save this story. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Yoriko was now over Tokyo. She was trying to pick her first >target. She saw the famed Sendai Hill Shrine ahead of her. > Tom: Or a scale model that looked vaguely like the Sendai Hill Shrine. If you squinted. And ignored the wind-up toy cars in the foreground. Mike: Imperial Palace? Meiji Shrine? International Exhibition Center? No, I'll go with Sendai Hill Shrine. >"That will be my first target!," she said. > Crow: Oh, My First Target, the Fisher Price terrorist development set for children 2 thru 4! >She locked on the target on the fighter's HUD, Mike: And received an Urban renewal grant. > then pressed the >fire button. One of the Neo-Sidewinders ejected from the fighter >and flew straight for the shrine. > Mike: Sounds like force feedback Sidewinder. >Yuuichirou saw the missile firing and ran to get Rei's >grandfather. However, the missile was faster than him, Tom: Wuss. > and it >blew the shrine to matchwood. > Mike: See, this is what I feel like doing every time Jehovah's Witnesses are at my door. Crow: Matchwood? Tom: It's what you use to build matches. Crow: Ahhhh. >"DIRECT HIT!," Yoriko roared. > Tom: [Yoriko] Alright, I just wasted precious ammunition on a defenseless Shinto shrine! This death plane rules! >Yoriko then flew toward the Kuriles. Mike: Maybe Larry and Moe will be there, too. > The NIRAA had a secret base >there, since it was in Russian jurisdiction, and Japan dared not >try to follow here there. Mike: Good thing the Russians don't really care about unauthorized death planes flying about in their airspace. Tom: Just give 'em a happy meal and a pair of Levi's and they'll look the other way. > Dr. Vander Helffen was supposed to >meet her there. > Tom: But he never showed. The next day Yerko found a single red rose on her pillow, and a note that drove her to tears. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The radar at the SDF/USAF base was tracking the movements of the >Neo-Zero. It has just seen the attack. > Mike: Oh no! There was this blip, then that blip, and then the blip flipped! >"Sir," said the SDF private who was checking the radar for Gen. >Torymura, Mike: The General must be pretty big to show up on radar. > "I believe that the fighter just attacked in the area >of Sendai Hill." > Tom: Whoops! My mistake. It's attacking *Daisy* Hill. She must really hate puppy farms. Mike: Well, actually, the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm was turned into a parking lot years ago... Crow: We don't care, Mike. >A sickening thought raced through Rei's mind when she heard that. > Tom: [Rei] Did Clinton say he wore Boxers or Briefs? >"Oh, no! Not Grandpa!," she screamed. There was only one thing >to do: Mike: Steal a theory about comedy from an android named Carlton? Crow: Call her broker and sell all the NeoZero stock! Tom: Shout out lyrics from "H.M.S. Pinafore"? > head back to the shrine. > Mike: Ha. I was closest. Crow: They better get back to the shrine fast. The explosion might have hurt the Holy Fire. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >When they got to the shrine, the TMPD as well as the Tokyo Fire >Department were already on the scene. Crow: Oh, no, the Great Fire is in flames, ladies in gentlemen! Oh the humanity! > Several TMPD officers were >digging through the rubble when they pulled out Yuuichirou. Tom: Otherwise known as "That guy whose name would never be a "Wheel of Fortune" bonus puzzle. > Rei >ran up to him; he was barely alive. > Tom: Aw, don't worry. Rock stars always look like that before the booze kicks in. >"Yuuichirou," Rei said, "where's Grandpa? Is he alive?" > >"I don't know," was all he said. He blacked out. > Mike: All just another Thursday morning for "The Axl Rose of Japan". Crow: [Rei] Gee, thanks for all the help, ya big load! >"Get him to the hospital!," one of the TMPD officers sharply >ordered a paramedic. Yuuichirou was taken away. > Tom: Wait, shouldn't you put him in an ambulance or something first? >"We've found something!," said a firefighter. > Mike: [fireman] I think it's a lottery ticket! From last week! Wanna check the numbers? >Rei raced up to where the fireman was. They had unearthed >something, all right. Crow: Hey! Don't get snarky with us, author! We'll pull this story right over to the curb! > Rei stopped in her tracks when she saw >what it was. Crow: It's Richard Simmons! All: AHHHHH!!!! > It was the short, bald corpse of her grandfather, >still clad in his priestly clothes. > Tom: Wow. Japan's so efficient, the dead bury themselves. >She yelled, "Grandpa, it's me, Rei. Please tell me you're all >right!" She began to shake the corpse. > Mike: Yeah. That'll help his catastrophic spinal injury. Crow: [Rei] Tell me you put me back in the will!! C'mon, throw me a bone here, old man! >The firefighter looked for vital signs. Crow: And tried to put his head back on his neck. > "No pulse, no >respiration," he said. " I'm sorry, Miss, but he's dead." > Mike: [Fireman] But maybe if you shake him a few more times, he'll be OK. Tom: [Fireman] And he's not in a happier place, 'cuz heaven's a big buncha hooey! Have a nice day! >Rei shrieked with a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," and began to cry >uncontrollably. Mike: Oh, I know this commercial. He's being buried with his Lexus. > Daria went up to her and let her rest her head >on her shoulder. > Mike: [Daria] I'm sorry and all, but you're getting mascara all over this stupid fuku. Crow: Shouldn't one of Rei's friends be doin' that? Tom: Mm, they're probably off getting some Sailor Soft Drinks. >"I'm very sorry, Rei," Daria said, and for the first time in her >teenage life, she was beginning to cry herself. She never felt >anything like this before. > Tom: Considering she never felt anything before, that's quite some accomplishment. Mike: [Daria] Um... look, why don't we mourn from, like, back there? Where the stench of Cajun blackened grandpa isn't quite so thick? >"Grandpa," Rei began to say, "I will avenge your death! I will >not rest until I've destroyed whoever did this to you!" > Tom: I smell a spin-off... Crow: [Rei] And understand I'm engaging in hyperbole here. I mean, I will *rest* from time-to-time. And I can't miss "Judging Amy" Tuesdays at 9. She's so plucky! >Usagi and the other Sailor Senshi began to cry as well. Mamoru >gripped his gloved hands in fists of rage. > Tom: o/~ No angel born in hell/could break this Satan spell! o/~ >"Do not worry, Rei," he said to himself, "the Sailor Senshi and I >will help you in this! This I swear!" > Tom: [Usagi] Ahem. I *am* the leader of the group, you clod. Crow: [Mamoru] Sorry, ma'am. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >A couple of hours had passed in the lavatory where Ami was being >held prisoner. Mike: Boy, on my last temp job, if you stayed in the can more than 5 minutes, they docked your pay! > Ami had apparently fallen asleep, Mike: Great. Even the author's not sure about the character's condition. Crow: Relax, Mike. She's just trapped in Schrodinger's Lavatory. > for then she >saw a strange light, and someone standing next to her. > Crow: Oh, good. Seven of Nine's beamed in to rescue her. Tom: In this story? Hey, why not?! Mike: Now all they need is Agent Scully, Duncan MacLeod, Sonic the Hedgehog and Buffy to reach Crossover Nirvana. >"Who are you?," she asked. > Tom: [Falsetto, British] I am the Spirit of Christmas Past! Come with me Amineezer Scrooge! >"I am the spirit of Hino Rei's mother," the apparition said. Crow: [ghost] These are the moronic plot contrivances I forged in life! > "My >beloved daughter prayed to me and asked me to help you. Mike: [ghost] And I missed a Buddy Holly concert for this, so you better appreciate it! > I will >grant you your deepest, fondest wish in your heart." > Mike: [Ami] Great, but how will having the members of 98 Degrees in a hot tub filled with jello solve anything? >"I wish I had my Sailor Mercury powers back so I can save the >passengers." > Tom: [Ami] Well, the rest of'em, anyway. >"So it shall be done." Crow: So when you die, you can grant wishes? Genies are just ghosts? Tom: Barbara Eden was playing a member of the undead? Mike: Boy, that guy on "My Mother the Car" got really gypped then. > With a wave of her hand, Tom: And a wiggle of the nose, and a nod of the head. > the ghost >imparted energy into Ami, and automatically she began the >transformation to Sailor Mercury. Crow: But halfway through, something went horribly wrong, and she wound up as - THE BRIDE OF THE FLY!!! > Now with new-found strength, >Ami kicked down the door. > Tom: Since when is super-strength one of her powers? Mike: Maybe she was sent Superman's powers instead. >Akbar heard it, and roared, "What's going on?" > Tom: [Ami] The holy ghost of Missus Santa Claus gave me the strength of Cleopatra Jones! >"You evil man!," shouted Ami. "I will not allow you to carry out >your plan! Mike: [Akbar] Um, there's no plan, really. I'm kinda wingin' it here. > I am Super Sailor Mercury, Champion of Love and >Justice! Mike: Isn't Usagi the champion of love and justice? Crow: They take turns. Tom: [stewardess] Can I see your ticket please? Crow: [Ami] Ticket? Um... well my alter ego has the ticket... > In the name of Mercury, I will punish you!" > Crow: Of course, if he's as self-repressed as he appears, he might actually like that sort of thing. >"The only one who will be punished here will be you, infidel!," >roared back Akbar. "And Allah's punishment is the worst of all! Tom: [Joe DeRita] He'll give you suuuuuch a piiiiiinch! >He will condemn you to Hell, you Satan!" With that, he lunged >for Sailor Mercury and applied a chokehold on her. > Mike: Terrorist training by the LAPD. Crow: Wow. Ami's about as good in a fight as the average imperial stormtrooper. Tom: Let's get out of here... >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge of the SoL] [Crow is alone, talking into the handset of a small black phone.] Crow: [mumbling] Come on, come on. Answer alr... [normal voice] Oh, hi Brittany! It's me, Crow. No, no! Don't hang up! Look, I just wanted to talk. I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know. About us. I... I think that maybe we might be able to get back together. Make a new start of it, just you and... [Tom enters, whistling tunelessly.] Crow: [hurriedly] I'llcallyoubackBye. [Crow quickly slams the phone down.] Crow: Oh, hi Tom! How are you? Tom: Fine. Just fine. Say, who were you talking to on the phone? Crow: No one! No one at all! What makes you think that I was on the phone? Tom: I don't know. Maybe because you were talking into the handset when I walked in? Crow: Talking? Tom, don't be silly! I wasn't talking into the phone, I was, er, talking to the phone. Yeah. We're having an illicit affair, and you found me out. Tom: Right. Really, who were you... [As Tom speaks, Mike, with a huge grin on his face, enters the bridge, dressed like a circus ringmaster. Tom and Crow's discussion peters out as Mike poses in front of the doors to the theater.] Crow: Um, hi Mike. Mike: [grandly] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, robots, nanites and beings of all ages. Michael J. Nelson Enterprises is proud to present The All-New, All-Improved, Never Seen Before, The Ninth Wonder of the Universe, the brand-spanking new, Neo-Satellite of Love! [Mike pauses, expecting applause. The bots stare at him.] Crow: The Neo-Satellite of Love? Mike: Yes, the Neo-Satellite of Love! [He pauses for applause again. Still nothing.] Tom: I'll bite. Mike? What's so special about the Satellite now? Mike: You mean aside from being the all new, Neo-Satellite of Love? Tom: Yes. Mike: Well, the Satellite of Love has been improved to better perform its duties! Crow: Uh huh. How? Mike: I've spent a great deal of time and effort making this Satellite into the epitome of advanced space station technology! Those weasels on the Mir have *nothing* on us! Tom: And you did this, how exactly? Mike: Well, let's start over here with the advanced Neo control system! [Mike moves over to the control console.] Mike: See? Crow: It's our control console. Tom: With the word "Neo" before it. Mike: No! It's more than that! Look! See? Crow: It's not any different than it was yesterday. Mike: Yes it is! Look at the steering wheel! I put one of those fur covers on it so it'll be nice and cool in the summer. Tom: Well, I guess that's an improvement... [Mike walks to the right of the screen, stopping beneath the window.] Mike: And look over here at the Neo Window. I've added this decal of a bat to the window so that the alien space bats won't try to fly through it. Crow: That seems like a good idea... Mike: And over here, on the Neo Wall, I've built this little cabinet so you can have a place to store your Neo Hummels! Tom: Wow. That way when the ships gets rocked by alien attackers, the Hummels will be okay! Mike: Yep! And... [Mike over to the holo gazebo, whose doors are currently open and tinny music is pouring out of the doors. Mike stares at the gazebo doors uncertainly.] Mike: Um, guys? Why is there a tentacle inching out of the gazebo? Crow: Oh, that's just the "Candyland of Cthulthu" scenario. Mike: Uh-huh. [Mike hesitates for a moment, then quickly hits the control panel to shut the gazebo doors. He then shudders for a moment, then rapidly crosses the bridge to stand before the doors to the theater.] Mike: And here, here is my grand masterpiece! I have completely redesigned the door system leading to the theater! Crow: You mean you've figured out a way to keep them from opening so we don't have to go in there? Mike: [pause] Oh. I suppose that might have been a good idea. [Mike pauses for a second or two more, then shakes his head and resumes talking.] Mike: No, what I've done is even better! I've redesigned all the doors. Nope! No longer will we merely walk through to the doors to get to the theater! Nope! Instead we'll have to swim through a moat of Yoo-Hoo to get through one of the doors. Then we'll need to finish a game of Reach for the Stars to get through another one... Tom: Mike? Mike: And then, you'll have to slamdance with Rod Stewart to get through another... Crow: Mike? Mike: And then, to get through the next one, you'll have to help the giks disseminate... Bots: MIKE! Mike: What? Crow: This is all really nice but... Tom: Really, we liked the place the way it was. Crow: And that door thing sounds like an awful lot of work, especially for something that we really don't want to do. Tom: So, can you change it back? Please? Mike: But, but I didn't even get to tell you about the "Kill a Guy" game I built. Crow: It sounds nice, Mike, but we're going to pass on it. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike dejectedly exits, stage right.] Tom: Poor guy. He means so well. Crow: Yep. Still, what a bunch of stupid ideas, huh? Tom: Hey, just be thankful he never got around to trying to improve us. Crow: [shudders] Good point. [Gypsy enters, stage left.] Tom: Hey Gyps. Gypsy: Hrmph hrho. Crow: Is something wrong? [Gypsy nods, and opens her mouth to reveal dozens and dozens of small, metallic, shark-like teeth that have been inserted into her mouth.] Crow: Let me guess, Neo-Gypsy, right? Gypsy: Hrmph hrmph. [The misery light begins to flash again.] Tom: We'll have Mike fix you right up, just as soon as we deal with MISERY SIGN! AHHH!!!! [As the bots rush around, the usual door sequence begins.] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ] [Mike and the robotic duo enter and sit.] Mike: I just thought she'd talk better with teeth. Is that so wrong? Crow: Yes. Tom: Terribly, horribly wrong. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 6: Enter the Solar Warrior > Tom: Um, I think he already did that a couple "datas" ago. >Ieyasu was watching the latest reports on both the JAL hijacking >and the Neo-Zero attack. Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh my, "Touched By An Angel" sure is different tonight. > He looked outside toward the Nick that >was in the backyard. > Mike: Mr. Faldo, could you stop practicing your drives for a moment? >"Somehow, my old friend," he began to say to himself, "we might >have to fly one more mission together." > Tom: He's gonna fly Nicholas Cage into battle? That'd be cool! >The NHK anchorperson was continuing his report: > Mike: [anchor] And so the fluffy kitten purred all the way home! >"In reaction to these latest developments, Tokyo-to Governor >Nagai Kenji had this to say:" > Crow: [Nagai] AHHH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! >"This unprovoked attack on our own citizens by this terrorist >organization is highly outrageous and receives my strongest >condemnation," Gov. Nagai began to say; Mike: Yeah, like "official condemnation" is gonna make them turn themselves in! Crow: He must have been with the brave coward strike squad way back at the beginning. > "I an calling on the >government to investigate this matter and to check into SDF >security procedures as soon as this crisis is over." > Mike: Now, wait. The sign on the hangar door clearly said, "Authorized Personnel Only". Tom: If terrorists refuse to follow the rules, you can't hold the SDF responsible! >The anchorperson added after that: > Mike: The Governor was obviously drunk on sake when he made that statement, so please disregard it. >"The latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll now indicates that Gov. >Nagai now enjoys a comfortable 32 percent margin over his nearest >Liberal Democratic and Socialist opponents." Crow: [anchor] But he still trails former pro sumo wrestler Jesse "The Body" Matsumora. > He then paused as >he received some word over his earphone. Tom: [anchor] Really? Is it sheer? > "We had just received a >message from the person claiming to be responsible for this >attack. Mike: [anchor] He claims, quote, "Your... fly... is... open." > We are now playing this audiotape as per the person's >request." > >The tape began playing: Tom: o/~ My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ROCK! banga-banga-bang-bang... o/~ Crow: Great. MTV can't even keep from pre-empting a Daria fan fic. > >"This is Amazana Tom: dot com > Yoriko of the New Imperial Rule Assistance >Association. All: Hi, Yoriko! > We have the Neo-Zero prototype and we are not >afraid to use it. Tom: And, as you know, your weapons are useless against it! > We demand that the civilian government >immediately surrender to us, or else another ward of Tokyo will >be bombed by the Neo-Zero prototype every three hours. Crow: Dick Grayson and Roy Harper are quickly herded into bomb shelters! >Furthermore, all SDF and American military bases will also be >attacked. Crow: And Payless Shoes? Pft! Gone in a heartbeat! > I urge the civilian government to do the right thing Tom: A Spike Lee Joint. >and surrender. That is all." > Tom: [Yoriko] Oh, and son of Jor-el? You will bow down before me. So there. >"NHK will continue to update you on this situation," added the >anchorperson. > >Ieyasu turned off his TV. Now it was only a matter of time. Mike: Soon, yet another episode of Dharma and Greg would air. He was sure the terrorists would strike then. > He >went to the family shrine and knelt before it. He grabbed a >samurai sword that had been in his family for over ten >generations and offered it up to the shrine. Tom: Had to replace the handle, of course. And the blade. > "Spirits of my >ancestors, hear me! Crow: Thankfully, he purchased the "divine tech support" package last time he was at Fry's. > I will not return this sword to its place >until I either have vanquished those who threaten our nation or >until it is presented as an offering to my departed soul. Crow: Or until "Smiley Happy Play-time Death Quiz" comes on at 8. > I nay >not survive this attack, but I know that I will go to a far >better place than this." Mike: I mean, it'd almost *have* to be, right? > With that, he also grabbed the >ceremonial Kamikaze headband which he wore during his service in >World War II and wrapped it around his forehead. Tom: Grandpa, that's a strip of raw bacon! Crow: [Ieyasu] Oh-ho! Thank God! I thought that was sweat for second. > His wife, >Natsume, saw what was going on, and approached him. > >"What is the meaning of this?," she asked. > Crow: [Ieyasu] Jeez, honey, I told you about the Dubya Dubya II Recreation Club, didn't I? >"Our nation is in peril once again, and I must answer the call to >duty," was all he said as he went to the backyard. Natsume stood >there in shock. Tom: [Natsume] Yeah, yeah, anything to keep from having to take out the trash! > "The gods protect him!," was all she said. > Tom: So, this is Japan, Mike? Half the country swearing revenge against the other half? Crow: Superheroes with training bras? Tom: Or without them? Crow: Old folks flying dangerously obsolete planes into battle? Tom: Folks sleeping in dresser drawers all over the place? Crow: Pachinko parlors swallowing the Gross National Product? Mike: Yeah. It's pretty much like this. Except the real Japan has pockey. Bots: Ooh! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >It was not long before the next attack did occur--on Shinjuku. > Crow: No, not Shinjuku! [aside to Tom] What's Shinjuku? Tom: I dunno. Probably a porn shop or somethin'. Mike: Okay, when the NeoZeoOreo shows up here to bomb the crap out of *us*, don't expect me to buy the "surprised" act. >The Sailor Senshi were on patrol in the area. Sailor Moon, Luna, >Artemis and Tuxedo Mask were in front, the rest behind. > Crow: You know, Japan's a big place. Maybe they should've split up, or something. >"Keep an eye out for the jet," Tuxedo Mask said. "We don't know >when another attack could occur." > Crow: Hey! Drudge is reporting that the attack will happen in two minutes! >Daria was right behind Sailor Moon. All she could think of right >now was that Ami was in danger on board the JAL plane; Mike: That, and a great big sausage roll, with lotsa extra sauce on the side. > Rei had >suffered the loss of her grandfather; Crow: The funeral home lost him already?! Man, that's just negligent! > and her own family was >probably at risk at home. Tom: And Minako had that really nasty hangnail. Mike: Again I ask - why is everyone assuming the plane's heading straight for Lawndale?!? Tom: Why would the terrorists bomb New York, Miami or Washington when Lawndale looms like an unplucked jewel on the horizon? Crow: Plus O'Hare is already overcrowded. Mike: Oh, in that case, it - huh? > This wasn't what she had in mind when >she decided to go to Tokyo. > Mike: Actually, it was - she just never thought it could be this good. Crow: We now return you to "Misery Bunt Cake Neo-Sporin and Treacle". >"Pay attention, Daria!," Sailor Jupiter said as she elbowed Daria >in the back. > Mike: [Mako] Do we have to send you to Sailor cram school? Tom: Elbowed her in the back. So are they back to back, or did Jupiter turn around specifically to elbow Daria? Or - Mike: Let it go, Tom. Let it go. >"I'm sorry, Mako, but I was distracted," replied Daria. > Crow: [Mako] Well, okay. I guess we'll just have to staple your eyes open then... >Towering above Daria were the skyscrapers of Shinjuku, the >Japanese equivalent of Wall Street. Mike: Porn shop. Bots: Hey! Mike: D'oh! > Daria could see such >buildings as the Mitsubishi Building, the Tokyo Stock Exchange, >the Mitsui Building and the Matsushita Building. Crow: The Malamute Building. Mike: The Marmalade Building. Tom: The Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Manipulating Massive Meteors Mama Malapropos Building. > Somehow the >image lent itself of a forest of concrete and steel trees; as in >any forest, there were unseen dangers lurking. > Tom: She could be anywhere! The Miscohikini Building, the Mitsimanamoto Building... even the Miskinippijekylmnoqrtuvwxyz Building! >Suddenly, it streaked out of nowhere. Mike: [Ray Stevens] An' ah hollered over at Ethel and said "DON'T LOOK ETHEL!" but ittuz too late! She'd dun got neo-mooned! > It was the Neo-Zero >prototype! It was at its top speed of Mach 2.5. > Mike: Mach 2.5, for a close, comfortable shave. Crow: Then it crashed into the Manongahelamoto Building, poor bastard. >"Heads up!," Sailor Moon yelled. Tom: And it was immediately sliced off by the wings. Crow: Thank goodness she warned them of that supersonic jet buzzing overhead, or they'd have surely missed it! > With that, she grabbed her old >Moon Scepter with the Silver Imperium Crystal in it and pointed >it at the prototype. > Crow: "Plane". P-L-A-N-E, "Plane". >"On my mark, attack!," she yelled. > Tom: Messier or the apostle? Crow: Same thing, really. >Yoriko, in the cockpit, just snickered to herself. She had taken >a portable CD player with her, and curiously enough, she had >Soundgarden's "Down on the Upside" album in it. Tom: You don't say! What an odd thing, to have broken your vinyl LP to fit in your CD player! That is curious! Thanks for sharing! > She turned it on >and began playing "Ty Cobb". > Mike: Tommy Lee Jones' melodious voice filled the cockpit. >"Let's rock!," she growled. > >The growly voice of Chris Cornell slammed into Yoriko like a ton >of bricks: > Tom: [Cornell] Hi! And welcome to the Satellite News... >"I am sittin' in a magic hat/With smoke and mirrors/And tire >rubber fires/Watch me disappear!/ Crow: Dude, sounds like some primo weed man! > Yeah, yeah, yeah!/ Tom: o/~ He jock it made of steel o/~ > What made it >slow you down/Sucking on a ball and chain/ Tom: Oh, he's teething! No wonder he's so cranky! > Another motherfucker >goes down the drain!/ Mike: o/~ Call Roto-Rooter, that's the name...o/~ > Yeah, yeah, yeah!/Hardheaded, fuck you >all!/ Crow: Wow. I'm beginning to regret sending this CD to Queen Elizabeth last Christmas. > Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/ Mike: Uh-huh. But how do you really feel? Tom: Yeah. Don't sugarcoat it. > Just add >it on to the hot rod death toll!/Hardheaded, fuck you >all!/Hardheaded, fuck you all!/ Mike: I think this song needs a hook. Crow: My, that nice Ricky Martin sure seems angry. Tom: He got tired of being pigeon-holed. > Hardheaded, fuck you all!/Just add >it on to the hot rod death toll!" > Tom: No way mister! You ain't paid last month's hot rod death toll yet! >Somehow every time she heard this song, Yoriko had this mental >image of Ty Cobb chasing people with a big baseball bat and >beating their brains out with it. Mike: And she never sought help? That's just wrong! Crow: What does that song have to do with Ty Cobb? Tom: Well, it's named after him of course. > She squeezed her fingers over >the trigger for the Deathgrip cannon and began to fire. > Tom: [Beavis] FIRE!! FIRE! Heheheh... Mike: Tom, please don't invoke them like that. >"GO TO HELL, BASTARDS!", she roared. > Crow: [Yoriko] Sorry! I mean, "Please, if you would be so kind as to proceed to hell in a quiet and orderly manner!" >The bullets tore through the air like hot needles through butter. Crow: That image is very evocative of - well, not much. Mike: Well, you know what they say - a bad metaphor is like bathtub full of powertools. >Panic had seized the people inside the office buildings, for now >they were emptying and people were running in terror, straight >for the Sailor Senshi. > Mike: [Falsetto] Hey look, it's the Powerpuff Girls! All: [Falsetto] YEEEEEAAHHH!!!! WE WANT AUTOGRAPHS! >"Citizens, please calm down!," Sailor Moon implored, but to no >avail. Mike: [Usagi] It's perfectly safe. Um, you *are* impervious to bullets, right? > The Sailor Senshi saw themselves jostled by the fleeing >populace. Tom: Well, this is an odd time to have an out-of-body experience. > It was all in vain. > Crow: Good, does that mean we can stop reading now? >Yoriko used the HUD to aim one of the Neo-Sidewinders at the >Matsushita Building. Tom: No, that's the Mescalinohoto Building! Matsubooki's three doors down! > She fired one of them, and the building was >blown to pieces! > Mike: Occupants of the nearby Hitler building felt a wave of relief, but they knew that their time would soon come. >The force of the explosion knocked Sailor Moon to the ground. >Daria helped her up. > Tom: [Daria] At least I can stay upright, you top-heavy cow. >"This is sheer madness!," Sailor Moon yelled. > Mike: Oh, but turning alien witches to dust with your magic wand is normal. >"Right now, we've got to try and stop the attack," Daria yelled >back. > Mike: Once again, Daria's razor-sharp mind comes into play. Tom: [Usagi] Gasp! She's right! If we could stop it somehow, perhaps the situation would improve! >Yoriko was flying for another pass, with the Deathgrip cannon >roaring again. Several people were cut down like grass from the >deadly fusillade of bullets. > Tom: [dramatic] Lawnmower of the Gods! >Sailor Moon now knew it was now or never. She pointed her >scepter at the jet fighter. > Crow: As opposed to before, when she could've prevented the slaughter. Good plan. Tom: [Sailor Moon] You better stop that, you - you - you meanie! >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," she yelled. > Mike: She's attacking with bad breath? >The powerful beam issued from her scepter, but was easily >deflected by the Neo-Zero's radar-absorbing skin. > Tom: So how does a radar-absorber deflect a pure magic attack? Mike: Hey, if it was built to defeat RADAR! it can beat anything. >It was now Sailor Mars' turn. She was going to use her new "Mars >Fireball Attack" to bring down the plane. > Crow: She'll call upon the guidance of Tim Burton and then the theaters will empty across the land, and the enraged patrons will surely smite the plane! >"This is for you, Grandpa!," she screamed, then said "SUPER MARS >FIREBALL, FLAME UP!" Crow: Rei? Stan Lee and Johnny Storm are on Line 2. > Two fireballs issued from her hands, and >struck squarely on the cockpit. Tom: [chuckling] Two round globes striking the cockpit. That's subtle. Crow: Read between the lines, kids! > But the plane didn't even suffer >a scratch. > Mike: Because of RADAR! Tom: In fact it was smiling and lighting a cigarette! >What no one noticed in all the confusion was that Tetsuo was in >the area, and had seen all that had happened. Tom: He was probably heading down to the Quicky Mart for some illegal fireworks. > Now he was in a >side street, raising his hands in supplication to the Sun. > Mike: This is no time for a tanning session! >"Amaterasu-Omikami, give thee they mortal servant the power of >the Solar Warrior!," he yelled. > Crow: With a problem like this, perhaps he should be calling a professional Omikami. >The flames of power engulfed him again, and the Solar Warrior >emerged. > Mike: Watch out guys, the symbolism's pretty thick around here. Crow: So couldn't you avoid the Solar Warrior by just stealing stuff at night? Mike: Hm. I'm not sure it works that way. >Daria thought she could stop the plane with her own powers, or at >least give it a try. > Tom: Do or do not. Or just mope about. >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled. > >A stream of ice gushed forth, and even managed to coat the plane, >but the engines were just too warm for it to last. The ice >rapidly melted. > >"Dammit!," Daria snarled. > Crow: [Daria] Freezing, frying, and dusting don't work! What's left? Tom: [Minako] Well, we haven't quivered in fear yet, we could try that. Mike: Thankfully, a dove flies by, gets sucked into the engine, and the plane plummets and burns. >Yoriko fired another Neo-Sidewinder, this time taking out the >Tokyo Stock Exchange. > Tom: You know, this may adversely effect the Nikkei Industrial Average. Crow: Eh. It was all just paper value anyway. >"God, how I love the smell of burning concrete and steel in the >morning!," she roared in pride. > Tom: I didn't know concrete burned. Crow: They used that cheap American paper-based concrete. >Somehow, to Daria, this whole scene was beginning to look like >something out of "Apocalypse Now." Crow: As would be implied by the line just plagiarized! Tom: Nearby, Martin Sheen was babbling. "Shinjuku. I can't believe I'm back in Shinjuku." > If only either The Doors' >"The End" or Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" was playing >in the background, it would be eerily complete. > Crow: But since only "Mambo Number 5" was playing, things just seemed rather goofy. >But now the Solar Warrior appeared out of nowhere, and stood up >on some debris. > Tom: [Solar Warrior] Hey, I can see the ruins of my house from here! >"Miscreant!," Mike: She's more of a malcontent than a miscreant, isn't she? Tom: Huh, I had her pegged for a rapscallion. Crow: You're both wrong! She's obviously a cretin. > he yelled; "Cease this useless attack! Tom: Tutsu, there comes a time to start taking the crook seriously! > I am the >Solar Warrior, servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun >and Protector of the Japanese! In the name of the Sun, you will >be judged!" > Mike: My use of quaint, old-fashioned speech modes will protect me from your honking big guns! >Sailor Moon couldn't realize what was happening first. To be >fair, no one did. > Tom: And so the entire fanfic is summed up in one simple statement. >Yoriko saw the Solar Warrior and sneered. > Crow: [Yoriko] This super-powered, immortal thinks he can harm ME?! >"SEE YOU IN HELL, BASTARD!", Crow: Apparently, she's got frequent flyer miles to burn. > she roared as she fired the >Deathgrip cannon again. The bullets, however, bounced off the >Solar Warrior's armor. Mike: Ripping through a school bus full of nuns and orphans, but hey, they're not Sailor Senshi, so we'll just ignore them. > The Solar Warrior then pointed his >gauntlets at the craft. > Tom: The die has been cast, will Yoriko take up his gage? >"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," he screamed. > Mike: Man, these guys are gonna be chugging lemon tea and Chloraseptic for weeks. >The fiery energy discharged and hit the jet fighter squarely in >the port engine. Crow: [Mitchell] Port? You got port? > Yoriko was seen reeling. > Mike: Virginia Reeling, in fact! Crow: Well, turn your plane and dosido, change pilots and promenade! >"Dammit, dammit, dammit!," she screamed. She had difficulty >stabilizing her flight, but managed to succeed. She began to >limp back to the secret base in the Kuriles. > Tom: After all, the Neo-Zero can fly with only one engine. Crow: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL! But first, dinner and a cocktail. Bye! >Sailor Moon and the others stood there in shock for a few >minutes. Mike: [Usagi] No point pursuing her. We'll wait 'til she rains fiery death on some other city. > They couldn't believe what they just seen. Crow: Well, they're not alone. > The Solar >Warrior turned to them and said, "She won't be bothering anyone >for a while." > Mike: Just until she's done getting her plane fixed and refueled, then it's back to terrorism! >"Who are you?," Sailor Moon recovered enough to ask. > Tom: What do you want? >"I am the Solar Warrior," he began to reply, "servant to >Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun and Protector of Japan. Crow: And I'm your Met-Life representative! > I >do know about you, Sailor Moon, or shall I call you Tsukino >Usagi, or even yet Princess Serenity?" > Mike: So I guess the whole secret identity thing is really just a courtesy, huh? >"How--how do you know?," Sailor Moon wanted to know. > Crow: [Solar] Oh please. Do you know how many websites there are about you? >The Solar Warrior continued, "I am the last surviving member of >the old Solar Realm that existed tens of thousands of years ago >in what was known as the Golden Epoch. Mike: He's aged well. Crow: He eats all his veggies. > My race was old when >yours was not even established yet. Tom: Oh great, here we go with the old 'my race was old before yours was not even established yet' bit. > I assure you that I am on >your side in this battle." > Crow: [Solar] You guys *are* evil, right? >Luna, ever the doubting Thomas, said, "Prove it." > Tom: [Solar] Look at my American Express card. See? "Member since the Golden Epoch." >The Solar Warrior produced an old relic: Mike: Wow! Dick Clark's report card from elementary school! > a Moon Kingdom >Medallion of Valor, the highest award that was ever given by that >old dominion. > Crow: The Moon Kingdom was in Virginia? Mike: That puts the whole "Marrissa" storyline in a scary new light. >"This was once given to my by Queen Serenity for services >rendered in stopping a Mecha-Dominion attack against her realm. Mike: [Solar] I bought it at a pawn shop for six bucks. Cool, huh? >This was long before you were born, Sailor Moon." > Tom: This guy's stiffer than a frozen fishstick! >Sailor Moon and Luna both saw it. "No doubt it is the real >thing," Luna finally said. Crow: Oh, yeah, the *band* No Doubt's the real thing. This guy? We gotta keep an eye on him. > "Very well, we will accept you as an >ally for now." > Tom: [Luna] This obscure hunk of metal has me firmly convinced! >"I'd better be going," the Solar Warrior said, then departed. > Mike: That's just what I like in a hero. He says what he'll do and then he does it. Crow: [Luna] We never even thanked him. And look! He left behind a silver stuffed shirt! >Daria seemed to be strongly drawn to the Solar Warrior, but >didn't know why. Was it that he alone was fighting for his >nation where everyone else was running, or that he seemed to be >such a caring person as to risk all in saving complete strangers? Tom: Or was it his really cute butt? She just wasn't sure. >This person wasn't like the students back home in Lawndale, the >typical dumb jocks and airheads who put down brainy people like >her. > Crow: Solar Warrior: Friend to all nerdy children. >"Daria, snap out of it!," Sailor Pluto said. "You're drifting >again." > Mike: [Pluto] Drop anchor and issue a course correction immediately! >"Sorry," replied Daria. > Crow: Good thing she didn't hear him mumbling "Huhuhuh, fire fire fire!" as he left. Mike: She's smitten by Al Gore as Iron Man! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Yoriko barely made it back to the secret base in the Kuriles. >she jumped out of the cockpit and cursed her luck. > Tom: [Yoriko] It was very unfortunate they tried to stop my killing spree! Perhaps next time they'll be distracted by a burnt potato chip! >"Get this prototype fixed up immediately!," she shrieked. > Crow: [Yoriko] SEE YOU IN THE CAFETERIA, YOU BASTARDS! Mike: I bet it's tough getting parts for a prototype. Tom: You probably have to order them special from Japan. >Dr. Vander Helffen had just arrived, and he was not happy. > Tom: So, then, he was unhappy? Crow: Let's not jump to conclusions. >"What is the matter, Dr. Vander Helffen?," she asked. > Tom: It's my wife, Nick. I just can't bring her to org.. Mike: Turn that train around, Tom. Tom: But the Zuckers can get away with it! >"It's the 'Hi no Tori' immortality pills," he started. Crow: So, Tori Spelling is the key to immortality? Mike: Who knew? Tom: [muttering] Hopefully not her father... > "I'm >almost out of them." > Tom: [Helffen] I need you to take the plane to the drug store and pick me up a case. Oh, and blow it up when you're done. >"WHAT!," Yoriko yelled. > Mike: This is what happens when you listen to loud music while blowing up stuff. Tom: Shoulda used some ear protection. >"I've been having difficulties getting the ingredients to make >more," he said, Tom: [Helffen] Did you know they stopped making "Quisp"? I had no idea! > "and I don't know when they'll be available. Tom: Yeah, who would have thought immortality pills would be so popular? > I >have to make more, because if we miss even one dose, serious side >effects from withdrawal will occur. Crow: Some Hair Loss is normal in "Hi No Tori" use. Mike: Less than 3% of "Hi No Tori" users developed painful, running scabby sores on parts of their anatomy they'd be ashamed to show their doctor. Tom: If users of "Hi No Tori" should spontaneous transmogrify into a giant robot, discontinue use and contact your physician immediately. > Please be patient with me, >and I will make more." > Tom: [Yerko] Well! Then I guess I'll SEE YOU IN THE PHARMACY, YOU BASTARD! >Dr. Vander Helffen was buying some time, Mike: Why buy it when you can lease it? Crow: It costs more that way Mike! Those time dealers'll have the shirt of your back before you know it! Tom: Hehehe, poor saps. I get *my* time wholesale. Got a guy on the inside. > but even he knew that he >had to make more soon, Tom: As previously stated. > for the pills had an addicting effect on >whoever took them. Crow: Yeah, immortality is habit-forming! > Dr. Vander Helffen himself took another pill >of his creation to counteract the addictive cravings, but he >didn't give it to Yoriko; as long as she was addicted, she would >remain loyal to him. > Tom: Wow! I woulda thought the immortality *alone* would be enough. Crow: That is one ungrateful homicidal maniac, I tell ya. >Yoriko, mad as ever, shrieked and stormed out of the landing >area, punching out two ninja soldiers standing guard duty. > Tom: Ninja! It's Japanese for "cannon fodder"! Mike: Soon, another pair of Old Navy Ninja Mittens will be made. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >She didn't know how long it was that Akbar had her in a >chokehold, Crow: Seems like a couple of chapters at least. > but Ami somehow knew that she was on the verge of >blacking out. Tom: Were black spots flashing before her eyes like multitudes of black butterflies? > Akbar was yelling some nonsense or something, Mike: Oh, wait. He's just singing that Bloodhound Gang song. > but >she was in such a oxygen-deprived stupor that it didn't make any >sense. > Mike: You know, it may just be they're showing "Mighty Jack" as the in-flight movie. Tom: That would explain it. >Suddenly, someone got out of his seat and took a tray, banging it >against Akbar's head. Crow: It's "Police Academy - Assignment Fanfic Patrol"! > Akbar let go of Ami, took a knife from his >belt, and threw it squarely into the heart of his attacker. Mike: Thank you, nameless savior! But you have no superpowers, so please leave the scene now! > He >fell dead, but it bought Ami some time. Mike: Well of course. She'll have a lot of time to save the plane if Akbar is dead. > She got up and charged >right at Akbar. > Crow: Charged? She's right there! Remember, the choking? >They fell to the floor and rolled around, exchanging punches. Crow: [Austin Powers] Ohhh, yeah, Ba- Mike: Stop that. >Akbar then got the upper hand, held Ami down and began to sucker >punch her. > Crow: Eat it boy, eat it! Tom: It's not a sucker punch if you see it coming. >"YOU WILL DIE, YOU INFIDEL BITCH!," he yelled. > Crow: [Akbar] I see you dying in an old age home at age 87! But you will be dead! At least until you reincarnate again! >Ami summoned up enough courage and kneed Akbar in the crotch. >Akbar was sent howling. > Tom: OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Werewolves of First Class! >Now they stood glaring at each other. On one side was Mizuno >Ami, the second of the Sailor Senshi to be discovered and veteran >of numerous battles against evil; Tom: Princess, Heir to the throne of Essex, Fighter Comman- Crow: *AHEM!* Don't invoke something you're not willing to endure, Servo!! > at the opposite end was Akbar >el-Salaam, the terrorist who had murdered countless Israelis and >swore to destroying the modern Jewish state. Tom: They'll be joined by Jon Davidson and Joyce DeWitt tonight on $25,000 Pyramid! Crow: I thought he was mad at Americans? > Ami tried to think >back to whether she was in so much danger. Mike: [Ami] Hmmm, am I in danger now? Maybe... > Never, she realized. Tom: Ah - umm... Mike: Don't even try, Tommy. >Even the first battle against the Dark Kingdom was easy. But >this was different: This was a mere mortal human, Mike: Therefore it was harder. (stops) Huh? > with only the >hatred in his heart fueling his rage. > Crow: Just think, Mylanta could have solved all of this. >"Give it up, Akbar! You can't win, and you know it!" > Tom: [Akbar] Oh, come on! I still have this neat plane. I could probably take it to Vegas, pick up some chicks, fly'em to Colorado- impress the hell out of'em! >"NEVER!," yelled Akbar; "I WILL SACRIFICE THIS WHOLE SHIP IN THE >NAME OF ALLAH!" > Mike: [Akbar] BUT FIRST I SHALL HAVE A QUICK BRUNCH! >Ami took a look out a window. The West Coast of the United >States was now visible, Tom: He could tell because Gwyneth Paltrow's ego is visible from 36,000 feet. Mike: By the way, who's flying the plane exactly? Crow: Well... maybe Otto from the "Airplane" movies? > and in due time they'd be over it. What >was not known, however, was that in a couple of hours time they'd >be over Lawndale. > Crow: Which is now apparently the center of the universe. >"God, please don't let me die!," screamed the flight attendant. > Mike: She's only 17. >"SILENCE!," roared Akbar. > Mike: [Akbar] IS GOLDEN! >Ami knew that if she was going to stop Akbar, now was the time. Tom: Once he crossed the American border, she couldn't touch him. >Ami threw herself right against Akbar, and the both fell against >the emergency hatch. Tom: Which, in accordance to FAA regulations, flies open the instant someone bumps their elbow against it. > >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Crow: And we quickly cut away before any of that distracting tension could build. >It was about an hour before kickoff, and already a huge crowd had >filled the stands at the football field. Tom: [yokel] So when does Truck-a-saurus come out? And where are the flaming school busses Knievel's gonna jump? > Jake, Helen and Quinn >had grabbed good seats. > Mike: Tsk. A football stadium with only three good seats. Tom: What were those designers thinking? >"If only Daria was here right now," Jake said. "This is always >her favorite time of the year." > Tom: Yeah, she's always so enthusiastic about sports and stuff. Crow: [sighing] A Kitty Kelly biography would be truer to Daria's character! >Quinn was wearing a jacket so she wouldn't be too cold. But now >the temperature was a bit warm, so she took it off. > Mike: Due to the graphic nature of the jacket removal scene, parental discretion is advised. >"Quinn, I hope the Fashion Club does well selling its goodies!," >Helen said. > >"We will, Mom," Quinn replied. > Tom: [Quinn] After all, everybody loves Doritos and Gummi Worms. >Jane then showed up. Mike: Evening everybody. Bots: Jane! Crow: How's the world treating you, Ms. Lane? Mike: It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. > >"Jane," Quinn said, "You never show up for the big game! Why >now?" > Crow: [Jane] What?! Is there something odd about me wanting to see a football game? Tom: [Quinn] Well....yeah! >"Because," Jane replied, "someone's got to watch over you in case >Beavis and Butt-Head try anything funny on you!" > Mike: She's certainly a loving person when Daria isn't around to dominate her soul. Crow: [Jane] And your parents are just a couple of irresponsible lushes. [waves] Hey, Mr. Morgendorffer. Helen. >Just as she said that, the familiar hideous laughter of Beavis >and Butt-Head could be heard. > >"Uh, where's Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: Usually, it's raging inside you, kinda like a storm. >"I told you, you two dolts, she's in Japan!," Quinn replied. > Mike: You know, considering that "Daria" was a spin-off from "Beavis and Butthead", you'd think Quinn would be a little grateful. Crow: Or at least pretend. >Beavis, who had eaten seven candy bard on the way over. Tom: No, not Shakespeare with Cherry Caramel Filling! > went >spastic and began to do his Cornhulio schtick; Crow: I guess that psychotic episodes can be considered to be a schtick... > he pulled his >shirt over his head, raised his arms, shook his fists and then >screamed: > Crow: [Beavis] A FREE MARKET ECONOMY WILL EVENTUALLY PROVIDE PROSPERITY FOR ITS CITIZENS! Tom: [Butthead] Uh, like, no way. Centralized planning is an important key for any national GNP, buttmunch! >"AAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE GREAT CORNHULIO! YOU WILL GIVE ME TEE PEE >FOR MY BUNG HOLE!" > Tom: [Quinn] Well actually Beavis, the tipi, or "teepee" as the crude Anglo translation would have it, was just one of many forms of Native American housing. >Jane seized the both of them and gave them a quick kick to their >testicles. > Crow: Wow! Three crotch kicks in five minutes! Tom: This is becoming more painful to watch by the second... Mike: I'm thinking that Jane's obsession with Jackson Pollack has led her to emulate his hard-drinking idiot male behavior. >"Do that again, and I'll kick both your asses!," Jane roared. Tom: If being screamed at justifies a kick to the groin, those Japanese superheroes are in for some unpleasant surprises! >"Leave Quinn alone!" > Mike: [Jane] SHE'S MINE! ALL MINE! BWHAHAHAHAHA! >"This sucks! She got us in the nads," Beavis said as they both >slunk away. > Mike: After the fetal position, whimpering, watery eyes, nerve-numbing pain, and so forth. Tom: Security comes over, arrests Jane and Quinn, and they're expelled for inciting a riot! >"What assholes they are!," Jane said. > Crow: [Yoda] Think so, do you? >"Jane," Quinn said in relief, "I didn't think I was ever going to >say this, but thanks for saving my bacon there." > Tom: [Jane] Anything for thin strips of fat and pork! >"No problem," Jane replied. "I'll bill you later." > >"You wouldn't!," Quinn said. > Mike: [Jane] Wouldn't I, though? >"Then again," added Jane rather quickly, "I'll let this be a >freebie this time." > Tom: "Thelma and Louise 2: The Quickening!" >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The Lawndale Militia was poised to strike at any time. Mike: Like June of 1850, or 1492! >Poindexter, however, was getting antsy. > Crow: Thankfully, we haven't seen any references to flutes or band camp, so we're safe from *that* particular scene. >"When are we going to strike?," he asked. > Tom: The contract expires at midnight, kid. Meanwhile, we negotiate, and wait. >"Soon," was all that Anthony Corlew said. "Patience is a virtue Tom: I thought it was Compassion, Honesty, Valor, Honor, Spir- Mike: That's enough, Avatar. >that a good soldier must have. Crow: [Corlew] You patient yet? No? How about now? > We will strike when it is to our >advantage." > Mike: Thank you, o' redneck Lao Tzu. Tom: [redneck] To know your enemy....*spit, ting*...you must know yerself! >Anthony knew that soon the hammer would fall. Crow: Here we stand. Here we fall. History won't care at all. > But what he didn't >know was that his plans would soon be turned on its head. > Tom: Aha! Lawndale is going to invade him! It'll be - huh? >----------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: I think we need to get out of here for a while. Mike: Let's, then. [All exit] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The console has been turned into a news desk, with a corporate logo saying "NHK" in the background. A booming news theme song is playing. Mike, in a cheap suit, acting as the anchor, sits at the desk, arranging papers.] Magic Voice: We interrupt this commercial to bring you this NHK Imitation News Flash! NHK - You won't believe it's not news! Mike: Ah-ha! Many towns shake in terror, as the Neo-Zero death plane brings fire and destruction! NHK news has received this tape, from a person who claims to have stolen the plane! I would call that a scoop, wouldn't you? We play this tape for you live, and unedited! [CUT TO videotape. Tom is in Arab dress, hidden by a veil, standing in front of an array of Matchbox cars and tiny scale banners, to imply a used car lot.] Tom: Citizens of Japan! Run in fear! Cower at my feet! Surrender to your new master: Harold Bergman, of Bergman Honda in Nagano! You WILL pay my high prices! DRIVE my poorly designed cars, with NO warranty! And don't forget the RUSTPROOFING! MWAH HA HA HA! [Crow enters, in Japanese army uniform, holding a bayonet.] Crow: [grandly] Not so fast, Harold Bergman of Bergman Honda! Tom: [terrified] Oh, no! Honest Akira, and his unbeatable army of refurbished Toyotas for sale or lease! RETREAT!! [CUT BACK to news desk.] Mike: Wait folks! NHK has just received *another* tape, from *another* terrorist claiming to control the Neo-Zero! Here he is now! [The video camera opens in some Kid's bedroom, pointed at some Kid's legs (Kid portrayed by Paul Chaplin).] Kid: Um... OK. OK. OK. OK. [The Kid adjusts camera to point to his face. He's wearing a pair of pajama bottoms over his head, with eye holes cut out the seat.] Kid: OK. Lookit. Um, it's like, I'm gonna, like, blow stuff up? Until Ms. Schiffrin cancels her math quiz Tomorrow? And-and-and she has to stop yelling at Kids for no reason, like Kevin Brackman and his friends Bucky and Phil? Mom: [O.S.] JUSTIN! Dinner's ready! Kid: [whining]: MOOOOM! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY! [CUT BACK to news desk. The desk is now haphazardly stacked with hundreds of videotapes. Mike holds a handful of them, fanning them like cards.] Mike: Aha! More tape! More scoops! *Live!* [CUT to tape #3.] Tom: [holding potato chip bag] I'd betray my country for the great taste of Lay's potato chips! [CUT to tape # 4 - Bridget and May Jo, dressed in smart-looking ensembles, seated on a couch. The "Lifetime" logo is at the bottom of the screen] Elaine: [Bridget] Okay, hi, I'm Elaine, and this is my co-host, Sarah, and welcome to "Lifetime Takes Over the World". Sarah: [MJ] Today, we'll start by liberating Japan from its androcentric, paternalistic ruling government, and we'll show you how - but first, this commercial for a really important, uplifting, life-affirming movie you should all watch. Elaine: It stars Lindsay Wagner, Kate Jackson and Valerie Bertinelli. Sarah: Then, 36 straight hours of "Designing Women" reruns. [CUT to tape #5] Crow: [on bended knee, to camera] Brittney? Honey? Will you marry me? I'll take over Japan for you, Sweetie. [CUT to tape #6. Footage of an erupting volcano plays as we hear Tom's voice over.] Tom: [V.O.] Why does my house get blown up by death planes? Page 154. [CUT to tape #7 - N'Synch's "Bye Bye Bye". As the video plays, 'Beez' McKeever appears, dressed as a teenager, in an inset at the bottom.] Teenage Girl: Omigod, we will like, TOTALLY bust up Japan unless Carson Daly plays N'Synch non-stop forever, because N'Synch is just the COOLEST, BESTEST BAND EVER!!!! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!!! [CUT to tape #8 - Tom and Crow asleep. Quickly - ] [CUT to tape #9 - Brak, on the set of "Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast"] Brak: LET BRAK RULE JAPAN! Space Ghost: [OS, annoyed] No! Brak: BRAK'S GOT A PLANE! A great big plane! All furry, with four legs, and it barks like this - Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow! Zorak: [Entering shot, looking interested.] Hey, Brak - is your plane named "Spot"? Brak: Yes? Zorak: Because I think I just ran over your *plane* in the *parking lot!* MWAH-HAH-HA-HA! Brak: [crying] *NOOOOOOOOO! SPOOOOOOT!* [CUT BACK to news desk.] Mike: We'll have more unsubstantiated piffle as the story disintegrates! [Theme song returns, Lights dim, PULL BACK from Mike as he rearranges his papers.] Magic Voice: NHK News! When you want your news from a station that's almost "Kahn" spelled backwards! [Commercials] [The trio enters and sits.] Mike: One question, who's Jason Timberlake? Crow: He's like Gregg Alexander, except sassier. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 7: Black Saturday at Lawndale > Tom: Quite possibly the bleakest day in the American economy was when the Fashion Club bake sale failed to stem the rising tide of inflation. >Back at the JAL plane, the fight between Ami and Akbar was now at >a fever pitch. Crow: [Amy] Akbar seems to be immune to shiny objects! I'm doomed! > Akbar gave a kidney punch to Ami, Crow: An organ meat-champagne cocktail? How nouveau! > sending her >reeling. Ami staggered a bit from the blow, Tom: That's what "reeling" means, Pete. But thanks for caring! > but wasn't down for >the count yet. > Mike: [The Count from "Sesame Street"] Vun, two, three, four, five, six, seven - seven confusing, boring chapters! Vwahahaha! Tom: By now, Ami's beginning to wish she'd stayed in the bathroom. >"I WILL KILL YOU IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!," Akbar screamed. With >that, he opened the emergency hatch, and air gushed into the >cabin. Tom: Oh thank you! It was so stuffy in there! Crow: Okay, wait, hold it, time! Wouldn't the air be sucked *out* of the cabin at this point?!? Mike: It's rushing in to fill the vacuum left by the lack of logic. > Everything that wasn't nailed down was blowing around the >cabin. Crow: What about the lifeless bodies of the passengers? They're not nailed down. What about Akbar's clothes? > Akbar seized Ami and tried to toss her out of the open >door. Mike: [Akbar] OK, now you're going to feel a slight pinch... then a feeling of weightlessness and freedom, followed by a sickening thud. > Ami, however, hung on with all the strength she could >muster within herself. Tom: Plus, some she borrowed from the guy in the seat next to her. Crow: Hey, if they're over Los Angeles, she'll probably seep slowly down through the air like it were porridge. > Ami took a good look at the device on >Akbar: Mike: [Ami] Say, is that a Rolex? > the clock said it would go off in ten minutes. Ami >realized that she didn't have too much time left. > Mike: Specifically, ten minutes. Tom: That's five minutes after she realized she better do something, and fast! Crow: Time moves slower as it approaches a black hole. And this story certainly qualifies. >"I WILL SEE YOU BURN IN HELL!," Akbar roared. Crow: Akbar, the hard-of-hearing terrorist! > He banged on Ami's >left hand, causing her to momentarily lose her grip. She >regained it as the wind was howling in her face. > Crow: How does that work, exactly? Tom: You lose your grip, get blown all the way around the world, then re-catch it as you go around again! >Suddenly, Ami kneed Akbar in the testicles, sending him howling. Crow: Four. Mike: [wincing] I wish Peter would think of new way to end fights. Tom: Kind of a one trick pony, isn't she? Mike: Well, she does do it very well. >Ami clambered back on board; what she had to do had to be done >quickly. > >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled. > Crow: NEW, FROM LOREAL! >With that, Akbar was frozen solid. Crow: [Ami] Man, I should've thought of that earlier! I could've saved myself the whole hanging-out-the-plane thing! > Ami pushed him from behind >and sent him then and there through the open emergency exit and >into the air! > Crow: And they were complaining about Daria's violence streak earlier? Mike: Ironically, he's gonna fall right on Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. >Somehow, Ami thought she heard a muffled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mike: That's just the readers. Sorry for the confusion. > as he >fell, down, down, down, Mike: [Mole people guy] Down, down, way way down... Bots: Mike! Mike: Okay, okay, sorry. > tens of thousands of feet. Tom: [weatherman] It'll be mostly sunny today, with a chance of isolated hailstorms- really *really* isolated hailstorms! > The frozen >body then landed in the ocean, and plunged, deep, deep, deep into >the water. Tom: The readers winced at the bad, bad, bad writing. Crow: Doesn't ice float? > A shark saw Akbar and ate him whole. Crow: Wow! That must have been one hell of a big shark! Mike: It's one of those python sharks. > The shark then >swam away. By then, the nuclear device went off, with the shark >at ground zero and only killing whatever lives deep down in the >furthest reaches of the ocean. Crow: It's a darn good thing that stuff that happens underwater has no effect on the rest of the world, huh? Mike: See, all that nasty atomic bomb did was create a harmless little tidal wave that'll swamp the folks at San Bernardino before they know what hit'em! Tom: I for one feel sorry for the shark. > Lawndale had been spared of one >horror, but another was to come soon. > Tom: The Yanni/Jar-Jar Binks concert tour? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The game was about to get underway at Lawndale. The PA system >crackled to life: > Mike: [nasal] Would whoever took the footwarmer from the principal's office please return it. Thank you. >"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Crow: [PA] Don't you people have *lives*? > Welcome to Lawndale High >School! This afternoon your Lawndale Lions will take on the >Highland Fighting Trojans!" > Crow: They're wearing their new ribbed uniforms. >With that, the announcer went into the usual descriptions of the >starting lineups. Mike: [PA] At quarterback, the dumb likable guy! At wide receiver, the token black guy! At all other positions, faceless toadies! > After announcing that for Highland, Brittany >and the other cheerleaders took to the field as the opening >lineup for Lawndale was announced. Tom: The final score: Highland 79, Lawndale Cheerleading Squad 0. > As soon as it was time to >announce the starting quarterback, the announcer took on the >usual tone of fake enthusiasm appropriate for such occasions: > >"And, last but not least, Mike: [PA] I mean, there must be some single-celled organisms lower than him, right? > here is your starting quarterback, the >one, the only, KEVIN THOMPSON!" > Crow: Damn! He made it out the locker room without tripping. We're screwed. >Kevin got onto the field, and Brittany gave him a big hug and a >kiss. Tom: Crow, you're taking this awfully well. Crow: What? Tom: Well, you and Brittany dated for a while... Crow: Shut up, Tom. Tom: I mean, if my ex-flame was kissing some handsome young quarterback- Crow: Shut up, Tom! Tom: After all, there might still be an ember of love in my heart... Crow: SHUT UP, TOM! > The crowd was going crazy. > Mike: They *must* be crazy to have prices so low! >"GO GET 'EM, KEVIN!," Brittany said. > >"I will, Cupcake!," Kevin replied. > >The announcer continued: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, would >you please rise and direct your attention to the fifty yard line >as the band Mystik Spiral will play our National Anthem." > Crow: I guess it's to late to book Lucy Lawless. >Trent and Jesse--along with bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer >Max Tyler--were all set in mid-field. Tom: [Jesse] Wait. Where's the amps? Crow: [Trent] Oh. Right. I knew there was something we needed. > Jesse began to strum the >guitar, and launched into a Jimi Hendrix-style solo. Tom: Meaning kinda like Hendrix, just not any good. > Trent got >up to the microphone and began to sing: > Mike: o/~ I broke apart my insides, I've got no - o/~ Crow: Wrong Trent. >"Oh, yeah, oh, oh say, oh say, can you see, man/By the dawn's >early light/ Mike: Hey, it's morning already. The game must be over. Tom: Good. > What so proudly we hailed/At the twilight's last >gleaming." > >Trent then gave a jagged guitar lick, Tom: Which cut his tongue to ribbons. Mike: Ew. And he did it in front of the children too! > with Jesse and Nicholas >keeping in tempo; Trent continued: > >"Yeah, whose broad stripes and bright stars/Through the perilous >fight (another screeching guitar lick from Jesse) Tom: [Jesse] Trent, you don't have to say that part. I'm sort of doing it. > /O'er the >ramparts we watched/Were so gallantly streaming." > Mike: [sighing] "The Star Spangled Banner". Tom: Yes! It's being sung right now. Crow: By Mystik Spiral, in fact. >The guitars went into overdrive, with Max pounding the drums >furiously. > Crow: But it didn't do any good. >"And the rocket's red glare," shrieked Trent > Mike: [Trent] o/~ Caused severe corneal damage! o/~ >Trent suddenly gave a note-for-note rendition of Hendrix's guitar >burst at that point of the song, except this went on for five >minutes. > Crow: Well then it can't be note-for-note, can it? Tom: Well, if he did it really *slow*- *LIKE EVERY OTHER PART OF THIS FRIGGIN' STORY!* >"The bombs bursting in air," continued Trent. > Tom: Hopefully on top of these guys. Mike: No such luck, [bitterly] thanks to Ami. Crow: Oh, thanks, Ami. >Another five minute guitar attack. > Mike: And people in the stands are just keeling over after standing up straight for so long. >After that, Trent sang, "Gave proof through the night/That our >flag was still there." > Tom: Oh wait! That's a fat guy's pants. It just looked like a flag. >Suddenly, Jesse began to strum the opening bars of "Chopin's >Funeral March." > Crow: At this point, Francis Scott Key must be doing 80,000 rpm. >Trent went into his big finish: "Oh, oh, oh say does that star >spangled banner yet wave." > Tom: [quickly] Yeah, yeah, o'er the land of the free and the home of *GOODBYE*! >Another long screeching note from Jesse. > Crow: In this note, Jesse complained about his ex-girlfriend and how those pesky cops just wouldn't leave him alone... >"O'er the land of the free. . .," Trent sand, and held the last >note for a few seconds. > Mike: Windshields begin to shatter in the parking lot... >Trent gave a long, screeching note on his guitar. > Crow: [Trent] This one's for the Man and how he's always keeping us down! Tom: [hopping in his seat] *AND THE HOME OF THE FRIGGIN' BRAVE, YOU INSUFFERABLE WEDDING BAND REJECTS!* Mike: *SING IT!* Tom: *END!* Crow: I don't know, guys. I'm actually starting to really dig this. >Trent finished with, "And the home of the brave." > Mike: That's Turner Field, actually. >All of a sudden, Trent and Jesse both crashed into a loud guitar >crescendo: "DUH, DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH," Crow: Yes, "Duh!" The expression that encapsulates their musical talents perfectly! Tom: Buy "Duh!", where you work or bank! >while at the same time Trent sang, "America! Mike: o/~ They rode through a desert on a horse with no name! o/~ > America! Crow: o/~ Eye to Eye! Station to Station! o/~ > America! Tom: o/~ TODAY! o/~ >Land of the free, baby!" After that, Max ended the song by >banging twice a gong that had "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise" >written on it. Mike: Get it on. Crow: "Rank Enterprise"? Tom: Thank heavens for truth in labeling laws! > After that, Trent flashed a peace sign, and said >"Peace, dudes!" > Tom: [Trent] If you can't be with the one you love, screw'em! Mike: You know, rock concerts lose something when they're converted into text. >At first, everyone just stood there in stone cold silence. Crow: Well sure. Wouldn't you? Mike: And now that the musical interlude is over, let's get back to "Misery Wham-Bang Neo-Spam Kaboodle"! > Jane >then began to clap. Tom: And then stopped under the withering glare of the rest of the crowd. > Slowly, everyone else began to clap as well. Crow: If they really, really believe, then maybe that didn't just happen. >Trent took a bow, as did the other members of Mystik Spiral. Tom: So, Jesse and Max are just 'the others' now? Crow: I heard Trent was gonna change his name to =Þ, but you can just call him the Artist Formerly Known as Trent. >They left the field, with the applause still ringing through the >stadium. Crow: [Spinal Tap] Good night, Poughkepsie! There will be no encores! > Ms. Li smiled to herself and thought that this was >$1000 well spent. > Tom: Then the nurse took Ms. Li back to her room and gave her Play-Doh to keep her happy. >There was a pause as the musical equipment was being cleared off >the field. Crow: With a bulldozer, if there's any justice. Mike: OK! Now, The Dirty Pair are going to lead us in a three- hour version of "The Pledge of Allegiance"! Give'em a hand! > Soon, both teams took to the field. Tom: Pshew! Thank god, the game's finally gonna start... > The captains for >each team were huddled around the referee for the coin toss. > All: [cry, clutch heads] NO-HO-HO! Tom: I don't *care* about the stupid coin toss! I barely care about the game! Crow: I'm surprised we didn't get a two-hour pre-game show with Bum Phillips and Jerry Glanville! >"Mr. Mackenzie," the referee said, "As captain for the home team, >you will call the toss. Mike: [Ref] And remember, do it slowly! We need to pad out the story a bit! > This coin I have is a real, honest-to- >goodness replica of the infamous Batman villain Two-Face's lucky >two-faced coin; a double-obverse 1922 Peace Dollar. [All groan] Tom: That's right, just drag stuff in willy-nilly! Mike: Poor Batman - first Joel Schumaker, now this! Crow: So the losing team gets acid thrown in their faces? > You will >either call 'Good side up!' or 'Scarred side up!' Do you >understand?" > Mike: I know I don't understand. Crow: I'm still hung up on that whole shark eating a 6 foot block of frozen terrorist thing. >"Why is that coin being used?," was all that Mack said. > Tom: 'Cause Batman's da bomb! >"Don't sweat it son," the referee said, "this coin was donated by >one of the sponsors of the Lawndale football team, Lawndale >Comics and Anime on Sugarbush Avenue in the middle of downtown >Lawndale." Crow: Well, at least it explains why the official Lawndale Lions Football Uniform is a fuku. > Since he was wired to a mike, everyone could hear >him. "Don't forget everyone, go there now for the big 'Sailor >Moon' fan subbed video sale! Tom: If the Sailor Senshi actually exist, why would there even *be* a "Sailor Moon" cartoon, subbed *or* dubbed? Mike: Maybe there it's like one of those horrid real life cartoons, like the old Harlem Globetrotters show, or Hammerman. Tom: Thanks, Nelson - you just gave a perfect definition of "Hell On Earth"! > All episodes ten percent off! Mike: You could go ninety and we *still* wouldn't buy it! > And >we'll give you an extra thirty percent off on the infamous >episode where Sailor Jupiter brags about the size of her breasts >if you can correctly guess her bra size!" > [All growl and grumble.] Mike: Oh, geez! I'm feeling queasy now. Tom: Mike? Can we go back and save Akbar? Crow: Yeah, he may have yelled a lot, but I've grown real enamored of his goal! >"Ms. Li set you up to this as one of her money making schemes, >didn't she?," Mack asked. > Mike: Duh. Tom: Ms. Li owns the anime store? >"It only gets worse, son," the referee continued. "The stadium >is now being called Surge Cola Stadium!" > Crow: EXTREEEEEMMME PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!!!! >Mack groaned. "All right, already!," he said resignedly; "I'll >call 'Good side up.'" > Tom: Ooh, foreshadowing. >The referee flipped the coin, and it landed good side up. > Mike: That means they have to leave all the jewels, because they didn't plan for it. >"Good side up," the referee said; "Your team wins the toss. Do >you wish to kick or receive? > Crow: We *wish* we were in a better story, but since that's not an option... >"We'll receive," replied Mack. > >"OK," said the referee; "good luck, gentlemen." > Tom: Break a leg! Preferably Kevin's, if you catch my threat. >Mack turned to Kevin and said, "Ms. Li has gone too far in >selling out our school!" > Tom: They should have realized that when she sold ad space for "Fat Harry's Adult Entertainment Lounge" on the players' uniforms. Mike: [Kevin] Hey! Some of us have a game to blow, OK? Concentrate. Crow: This moral judgment brought to you by Budweiser! The King of Beers! Full-bodied. Rich-tasting. Better than you in every way! >Highland kicked off the ball to open the game. Mack grabbed the >ball, but only got as far as the twelve yard line before he was >tackled. > Tom: Any Given Saturday. Crow: This high-school tackle brought to you by Budweiser! Every bit as full-bodied and rich tasting as it was fifteen seconds ago! >Kevin, Mack and the others now huddled around for the first play. > Tom: [Kevin] Ok, let's try the Statue of Liberty play! Mack, put on your gown! Crow: This huddle brought to you by Bud-! Mike: Crow? No. No more. >"Mack," Kevin said, "you fake out toward the right and go for the >long pass!" > Tom: [Mack] Saaaaay... Crow: [Kevin] Not with the cheerleaders, you nit! >"That's probably where they would expect us to try!," responded >Mack. > Mike: Mike Mackenzie: Psychic Football player. Tom: [Mack] They've probably dug defensive positions and have snipers waiting to pick us off one by one! >"Hey, it'll work, trust me!," reassured Kevin. > Mike: Every time he says that, the players all start twitching. >They broke huddle and then Kevin called the play. Mack faked >right and then zoomed to the left. Crow: Experts call this a "zigzag." > Kevin tried to make the pass, >but then two hulking Highland tackles lunged right for him, >forcing Kevin to retreat past his own goal line. Mike: [Kevin, whiny flashback] No! Not the belt daddy! I'll be a good little quarterback daddy! I'll make you proud daddy just *not the belt again daddy!* > In desperation >he tired to make the pass, but then he was tackled for the >safety. > Mike: The New England Patriots immediately signed Kevin up for a 10 year contract. Tom: [Kevin, dazed] Whoa. That went better than I expected, actually. >"And Highland grabs an early 2-0 lead by making a safety!," said >the PA announcer. > Crow: And believe us, with Kevin unconscious, we can't get much safer than that! >Brittany looked on and got disappointed. But then she got the >cheerleaders going on one of their best cheers: > Crow: [Brittany] Um, yay team? >"C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar, roar! C'mon, Lawndale, roar, roar, >roar!" > Mike: The sad thing is that really *is* one of their best cheers? Tom: Their second best is: Lawndale! Lawndale! What the hell's your problem? >Meanwhile, Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club were >selling their goodies. Tom: Woah! Crow: The action suddenly switches to Pre-Guiliani Times Square. > Unfortunately, when they passed by Beavis >and Butt-Head, those two acted up again. > Mike: Acting Up: America's Youth in Decline. Crow: [Butthead] Um... now is like, the winter of our discontent, or something? >"Uh, do you want to score with Beavis and me?," Butt-Head asked >Sandi. > Mike: So Sandi tackled Butthead in his own endzone for a safety. >"Like, get away from me!," shrieked Sandi. > >"Hey, here comes Diarrhea's sister! Let's hit up on her again!," >Beavis said. > Mike: [Butthead] First let us check the bulletin board, for the many social events she might be interested in attending with us! >Quinn saw those two coming. > Crow: Not saying a word. Nope. >"If you even think of harassing me," she said, "I'll have Jane >beat up the both of you into a bloody pulp!" > Mike: [Quinn] Which I will then use to make bloody paper. Tom: I doubt those two think much about anything, really. >"Did you hear that, Beavis," Butt-Head said, "she wants to make >up popes!" > Mike: Bloody Pope! Quentin Tarantino's devastating look at the Vatican Bank, and its unholy collection policies! >"Will I get to wear that funny pointed hat and all that?," asked >Beavis. > Mike: In further news, the Vatican announced the excommunication of a Mr. Peter W. Guerin today. >"I said, 'PULP,' not 'POPE!,'", shrieked Quinn. > Tom: Oh, now the whole joke makes sense! >"Hey, Butt-Head," Beavis said, "Do you ever noticed the >similarities between Quinn and that chick Gabrielle from 'Xena: >Warrior Princess'?" > Mike: I must say, Guerin has masterfully reproduced Beavis's infatuation with five-syllable words. >"Yeah," replied Butt-Head, "they're both dirty blondes, they both >have bare midriffs and they both have big hooters!" > Tom: Gabrielle had a secretary named "Daria", while Quinn has a secretary named "Xena". Crow: Actually, that's a fairly lucid piece of dialog coming from these two. >They began their hideous laughter. > Crow: Why are they laughing about big owls? >"Score with us, Quinn!," Beavis said. > >"Yeah, score with us!," added Butt-Head. > Mike: This is her worst nightmare come true. Crow: What a coincidence - it's also mine. >"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!," screamed Quinn. > Tom: And like a thunderbolt, the new women's magazine, "Jane", appeared in her hands. >Jane was there at a moment's notice. Crow: Wow, she's well trained isn't she? > She got the both of them >and kicked their asses real good. > Mike: Now, here's one time where I wished we *could* have read every single detail of the event. >"Next time, you'll be in the hospital!," Jane warned. > Crow: Is assaulting them in the hospital such a good idea? I mean, they've got security guards there and all... >Beavis and Butt-Head were bruised up. > Tom: I'm starting to feel that this scene is flawed up. >"Hey, Butt-Head, does it hurt?," Beavis wanted to know. > Mike: To love, and not be loved? Yes, Beavis. That hurts very much. >"Only when I laugh, Beavis," replied Butt-Head; he began to >laugh, then began to howl, "OWWWWWWW!" > Tom: o/~ Werewolves of Lawndale... o/~ Mike: Okay, I think we've taken the whole "Werewolves of..." thing as far as we can. >While all that was going on, Highland scored a touchdown; with >the two-point conversion, the score was now 10-0 in their favor. > Tom: Actually, it's almost as exciting as any given Superbowl. Crow: Now, back to Pat and John! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Mike: Hi, everybody, I'm Pat Summerall, we return you now to "Misogyny Cokehead Hillbilly Fiasco!" >Meanwhile, the JAL plane was now pretty close to Lawndale. Ami >has just closed the emergency door and made her way to the >cockpit. Crow: She found George Kennedy there, chomping his cigar! > She was hoping to contact the nearest airport, Mike: Failing that, she decided to call "Loveline." Maybe Dr. Drew would be able to help... > but then >she noticed that after Akbar told the press about his hijacking >the plane, he had also shot out the radio. Crow: Meaning that she won't be able to hear her name when Country 104, home of the boot-scooting best music, calls it. > This was only going >to make the task of getting the plane down safely that much more >difficult. But she noticed an even bigger concern: Tom: She had a run in her hose. > the plane >was critically low on fuel. > Tom: Well then when it runs out it'll stop crashing! Like the Bugs Bunny/Gremlin cartoon! Mike: Wesley would have made fuel out of the stewardess' blouse. Crow: JAL: Deathflight. >Ami raced out of the cockpit and got to the flight attendant, who >was now topless since the force of the air rushing in from the >emergency door ripped off what was left of her bra. > Crow: Oh, it's one of *those* scenes, heh heh heh... Tom: Now wrestle! C'mon, dammit, wrestle! >"Miss, you've got to tell the passengers to prepare for an >emergency landing!," Ami said. > Mike: [stewardess] Well, which of the corpses would you like me to strap in first? >"We're going to crash, aren't we?," the flight attendant asked. > Crow: [Ami] Well, we're going to smash into the ground with great force then explode into a ball of fire. Yeah, I guess you could call that a crash. >"Perhaps we will," said Ami, "but right now we don't have many >options left. Our fuel is almost exhausted." > Tom: And the plot's been on "empty" for quite a while now. >On that note, the flight attendant instructed everyone to prepare >for a emergency crash landing. Tom: But all the men on board were hypnotized by her bared bosom, so they all died on impact. Mike: And they all quietly accepted their fate, huh? Crow: Japanese, Mike. Mike: Oh right. I guess they did. > Ami then grabbed a piece of >carry-on luggage she had and gave the flight attendant a blouse >of hers to wear ; Tom: Most superheroes would make this your "C" priority, but Ami knows how to accessorize! > luckily, they had the same blouse size, though >they didn't have the same bra size. > Crow: And if Ami guessed it, she'd have 30% more runway! >Everyone on board thought that this was going to be the end. > Mike: It's the end and they're comparing bra sizes? Hoo, boy... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: But enough about that! Let's go *here*! >As was custom in Japan, the funeral was conducted by Buddhist >rites; Mike: [Eastwood] What about the rites for that little girl? > almost all of them were, since there are few Christians in >the nation, and Shinto took a rather dim view of the afterlife. > Crow: They believe that everyone comes back as pickles. >The Buddhist monk officiating the ceremonies was a friend of >Rei's grandfather; at one time he was himself a Shinto priest. > Crow: But he got traded to the Buddhists for a second-round draft pick. >"We mourn for the death of this great man," began the monk; "but >we must remember that now he goes to be with Buddha in Nirvana, >to a far greater place than this troublesome world. Tom: Yeah, because in Buddhism, as soon as you die, you go straight to Nirvana. All that reincarnation crap's just propaganda to scare away the Americans. > His death >was utterly meaningless, Tom: Just like his life. Mike: Hey, play nice now. > but he will now find the ultimate >meaning to life, the Universe, and everything. Mike: Been there. Tom: Done that. Crow: In a five book trilogy, no less. > Farewell, my >brother in the faith." > Crow: And thanks for all the fish. >He then scattered flower petals into the grave, followed by all >those in attendance. Mike: Aaaah! He's gone mad! He's stuffing everyone in! Tom: Wow! Buddhist funerals *rock*, man! > All of the Sailor Senshi and Daria were >present. Except for Rei, they were wearing the usual Western >black mourning clothes; Crow: Wow. I guess mourning really has broken! > Rei was wearing her miko's outfit. Tom: Rei's the rebellious Senshi. > She >laid into the grave besides petals one of her "demon banishment >scrolls". Crow: That's to keep him from becoming a Deadite. Mike: Ohhh.... > Daria didn't have a simple black dress to wear and had >to buy one from a store in the Ginza; Mike: It came free with a set of six steak knives! > it was one of those drop- >dead minidresses and she was also suckered into buying a pair of >those dark brown stockings that seem to go well with such a dress >and a pair of high heels. Tom: So Daria uses a funeral as an excuse to come out of her shell. Somehow, I'm not surprised. Crow: Ah. She was "suckered" into looking sexy. Mike: Yes, Guerin had nothing to do with it. Daria was just "naïve". > Already they were murder on her feet. >"Whoever invented high heel shoes must have been a guy;" she >began to say; "he should have been strung up the nearest tree." > Mike: Wait, that's two different thoughts entirely. Tom: I smell smoke, it's time for lunch, look at the street.. Crow: And the attempt to write in the female voice fails miserably. >Rei, after she left the grave, collapsed into tear; Crow: Hey, when did this become the Wheel of Time? Tom: Wrong Tear, Crow. > Usagi and >Mamoru both hugged her. Tom: Saaay... > Daria stood by and watched. > Tom: Daria likes to watch? Saaaay... Mike: Stop that. >"I've lost everything that gave meaning to my life: my >grandfather, the shrine, ,my peace of mind!" > Crow: [Rei] My bookmark! My web connection! My sense of rhythm! >"You still have Yuuichirou and your crows," Usagi replied, Crow: Hey, don't drag me into this! Mike: Some things you just don't realize how dumb they sound 'til you've said'em. > "and >you still have us." > Tom: Oh, *that's* reassuring. Crow: [Rei] So I've noticed! Don't you have crime to fight? >"You can stay with me until they rebuild the shrine," Mamoru >offered. > >Rei cried bitterly. Mike: [Rei] I don't wanna stay with him! His clothes all suck! > Suddenly, Tom: The premise changed and... > she left their embrace, grabbed a >samurai sword that was hidden beneath her hakama Crow: Oh no! It *is* a Highlander Crossover! > and looked like >she was going to commit seppuku; Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"]: o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~ Crow & Mike: o/~ The girl is off her gourd! o/~ > women usually did that by >stabbing the sword through the throat, and not by slitting the >belly like men did. > All: WHOA! Tom: Pete, baby, we were happy in the Mall of Ignorance there! You didn't have to show us the Food Court of Blood and Entrails! >"REI, NO!", everyone shouted. > Crow: Not our collectible Sailor Moon blue jeans! Tom: Nooooo! >"No, I will not commit seppuku. Tom: [to "Sha-boopie"] o/~ Seppuku! Seppuku! o/~ Crow & Mike: o/~ Just stay clear of that sword! o/~ > However, I call upon Amaterasu- >Omikami herself to witness my vows. Mike: [Amaterasu-Omikami] I'm kinda busy here, okay?!? Crow: Instead of bugging Daihatsu-Okeydokey, she should just get a notary public. > I will not rest until the >person responsible for killing my grandfather is finally brought >to justice. Tom: You hear that, Peter Guerin? Crow: Man, with all this not resting, when's she gonna find time to sleep? > Either this blade will go through the heinous >person's heart, or it will go through my own throat. Tom: [Rei] Or I'll feel bad for a few days and pig out on Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, probably. > I will >avenge your death, Grandpa, and I know you will not rest until I >have done so! Crow: [Grandpa] Look, I'm old and I'm dead, I need my sleep! > I have sworn!" > Mike: [Rei] I will not rest until I have sworn! Oh. Guess I did. >Everyone left the cemetery chilled to the bones. Mike: Maybe they should have stayed home during the blizzard. > Somehow, Daria >had this mental image in her head of a hand emerging from a pool >of blood, setting out letters that spelled out the word "CHILLER" >and then sinking back into the pool of blood while an eerie voice >said "CHILLER!" Somehow this seemed sickeningly appropriate. > Tom: Ummmmmmmmm... Mike: Daria needs some kind of counseling desperately. Crow: Why? Just because she's thirsty for the refreshing taste of an ice-cold blood-flavored Chiller? [Pause] Tom: Keep him away from me, Nelson! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Everyone had gone to Mamoru's apartment for the post-funeral >reception. Mike: [Usagi] Mamoru, I don't think hiring a deejay was such a good idea... Tom: [Mamoru] Oh, it'll be fine, Usagi! Mike: [Usagi] He's playing "Disco Inferno"! Tom: [Mamoru] Well, somehow it seemed sickeningly appropriate. > Rei didn't have any other living relatives other than >her estranged father, who she hadn't spoken to in years. Crow: The deejay segues into "Burning Down the House"... Tom: He's got "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" cued up... Mike: Hendrix doin' "Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire"... > She >left him because she held him responsible for the death of her >mother; Tom: *What* smoking gun? Oh, *that* smoking gun! > they were driving back from a party and he was drunk; >they crashed into a tree, killing her instantly. Mike: So Rei's dead? Tom: Her mother's dead. Apparently she was in tree when Rei and her dad crashed into it. Crow: Rei has a real Jenna Elfman lighter-than-air quality about her. Tom: Oh yes! A bubbly effervescence that's simply infectious! > It was after >that incident that Rei left him and went to Sendai Hill Shrine, >ran by her now late maternal grandfather. There were some old >friends of his and some students that Rei recognized from her >junior high school days. Mike: Her grandfather's friends went to junior high with her? Crow: And wasn't it an all-girl's school? > Then there were everyone else's friends >and family. Mike: Mine too? > Kenji, Usagi's father, went up to Rei. > >"I am so sorry about what happened," Kenji said. > Tom: [Kenji] The way your grandfather was cooked alive, his flesh searing to the bone, knowing all he could do was pray his death would be quick. My deepest sympathies! >"Grandpa was such a beloved man," answered Rei. "He will be >sorely missed." > Crow: [Rei] Elton John's dedicating a song to him. Mike: [Kenji] Did he happen to tell you where the keys to the liquor cabinet were? >Kenji then recognized Daria. > Mike: And he granted her five minutes to speak on the issue. >"There you are, Daria, he said; "I didn't notice you without the >combat fatigues you usually wear. Tom: [sarcasm] Oh, and anime characters change clothes every episode. Get bent! Crow: [Kenji] Also we haven't met, but still I am shamed by my rudeness! > I have to admit with that >dress on, you almost look human." > Mike: It's the arrival of Senor Smooth! Crow: [Daria] That's OK. I didn't see you because my eyes are overly sensitive to tactless louts. >"Frankly, formal wear like this isn't my style," Daria answered >him; Crow: [Daria] I'm more of a nudist actually. > "I once wore this bare-shouldered dress to a wedding since I >was going to be the bridesmaid, and I didn't like it." > Tom: And like a shaft of light descending from the heavens, Daria realizes the shallowness of her pursuit of art and poetry, and rededicates her life to fashion! >Kenji said, "Actually, I thought you were more the person who >likes to wear slacks or combat pants, but you always wear that >same drab olive jacket, orange shirt, black knee-length skirt and >combat boots."; Crow: [Kenji] Is that all I have written down here? Yep. Tom: It's Sailor Mr. Blackwell. Mike: You know, if Guerin had written Moby Dick, it would have gone, "Call me Ishmael. I'm wearing a smart blue coat with shiny gold buttons, workman's pants that are rugged yet flattering..." Crow: Don't be ridiculous, Mike! No way he doesn't start with hair color. > Kenji had seen Daria a couple of times since she >came over, mainly when she stopped by Usagi's house for dinner a >couple of times. > Tom: So, we're pretending we have continuity now? >"OK, OK, I'll let you in on a little secret," confessed Daria; Mike: The animators can't afford to draw any more clothes for me. >"I've actually got better-looking legs that my sister, Quinn, Crow: Who you've seen a couple of times via her fee-for-service web-cam... > but >don't tell her about it because then she'll probably steal every >skirt I own." > Tom: "Dog Day Afternoon 2: This Time It's Skirts" >"What about your sister, anyway?," Kenji wanted to know. > Tom: What about that sentence, Tom wanted to know. >"She's the vice-president of my hometown high school's Fashion >Club," began Daria. "She kind of looks like Gabrielle from >'Xena: Warrior Princess' Crow: If you close your eyes and have a surgeon remove the reasoning centers of your brain. Tom: Oh, god, he just implied Daria thinks like Beavis and Butthead! That's worse than a racial epithet or saying she eats dung! > because she likes to wear shirts that >leave her midriff bare and also has almost the same hair color >and hairstyle. Mike: When you start drawing parallels between Beavis and Butthead *and* Daria, it's time to rethink your strategy. > She's a complete airhead." Tom: By Thomas Dolby. > With that, Daria >broke into a rare smile. Mike: [Daria] I suddenly feel a lot better about myself! > Somehow, with Usagi's parents, she felt >at ease with them, because at least they knew what they were >doing. Crow: Granted, we have no evidence of this, but let's just run with this hypothesis. Tom: A huge change from the whole 'lazy bastard' scene, huh? > Back home, her father was so wishy-washy and her mother >was so domineering. > Tom: Put 'em together and you get...ew, that's gross. Never mind. >Ikuko joined her husband. > Crow: And together they formed MechaParent! >"There you are, dear," she said. Crow: [Ikuko] You'd better go help Rei. The funeral home's trying to charge her for cremation, and if ever there was a superfluous charge, this is it. > "You should try this clam dip; >I hear that Mamoru made this himself and it's pretty good." > Tom: It's got a little bit of grandpa in it, for that extra personal touch! >"Later, dear," Kenji said. > Crow: Go have another drink, dear. >Daria took a good look at herself in a nearby mirror. Mike: [Daria] Hm. Ever since I became a Sailor Scout, I stopped casting a reflection. Weird. > She had to >admit that she didn't ever look as beautiful as she did now. Crow: Yes, she *had* to. Admit it! C'mon, *admit it*! >What she really wanted to do was to fantasize how'd she look like >in one of those armored bikinis like some of those heroines she >had been seeing in anime since she came over. Tom: And the recognizable established character traits quickly fall to zero. Crow: "Daria" wanted to fantasize. Mike: Yes. Crow: Not anyone else. Mike: No, that would be an invalid assumption based on little or no evidence. > The day after she >arrived here, Ami and she watched "Leda: The Fantastic Adventure >of Yohko" on video, Tom: Between the hours of intensive training and schooling and MechaNegaVerse crime fighting, of course. > and Daria thought that Yohko's outfit was >rather cool, if a bit sexist. Tom: And these *were* Daria's thoughts, after all. Mike: Yes they were. Because if they were anyone else's thoughts, they'd just come right out and say so. Tom: Right. > That was the type of outfit she >wished she wore, and not that frumpy seirafuku she had now as >Sailor Mercury. Crow: It's so brave of Daria to be up front with her fantasies like this! Mike: Sure. It would be very easy for her to, say, write a bad fanfic in which she projects her fantasies onto some other character. Tom: Oh come on, Mike! No one would do that! > Ami said that "Leda" was one of her favorite >anime of all time, and admitted that she was an "otaku", or fan >of anime herself. Crow: I thought Otaku was that office supply store. Mike: I thought it was an acronym for "Oh, this anime's killing us"! Tom: It's "Daria", and "Ami", caught in the act of being themselves! > She thought back to what they were doing after >they saw the film. Tom: It's not what I think it is, is it? > They were in their bedclothes, Crow: Wrestling for the Master's pleasure. > and were >gossiping in Ami's room. > Mike: Did we just flashback from a flashback? >"'I really like Yohko, she's a woman who's true to herself Tom: Yeah, but she still can't sing for love or money. >despite the fact that she's an innocent woman trapped in a >situation not of her own making," Ami said. > Crow: Daria *IS* Yohko *AS* Sandra Bullock *IN "The Net 2"! >"Well," Daria replied, "I thought it was a bit derivative of "Red >Sonja" and "Xena", but otherwise it was OK. Tom: And the dialogue is totally ripped from "Barney". > I just wish she >didn't dote on that guy so much. She's got to realize that she >can stand up on her own two feet without any guy's help." > Mike: Charlie the Tuna rides by on a bicycle... >"Are you a feminist?," asked Ami. > Tom: Given the previous fantasies, she's more of an exhibitionist. >"Yes;" replied Daria; "I got it from my mother, as well as my >science teacher, Ms. Barch. Crow: So feminism is contagious? > That last person is a real hoot. I >swear every time in class, she says that 'All men are scum!'" > Mike: [Barch] Except for that dreamy Matt Damon. He understands me. I just know it! >Ami got a good laugh over that. > Crow: [Ami] Please. Matt belongs to *me*. Heart and soul. >"What's so funny?," Daria wanted to know. > Crow: [Ami] The word "scum". It's too pedantic to be an effective slur! >"It's just that your science teacher seems to write off men so >easily," replied Ami. "In Japan there's really no such problems >like that." > Mike: The Stepford Senshi. Tom: Anybody got an oyster knife we can use to pry the meaning out of that sentence? >"Really, then why are women still treated the way they are?," >demanded Daria. > Mike: [Ami] Err... Crow: Ami? A word of advice? Bots: o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ Mike: Guys! We don't need to annoy the MPAA, do we? >Ami responded, "Oh, I guess you keep hearing the reports about >how men are so aloof and treat women like property. Crow: [Ami] While they will occasionally be traded for two railroads and Park Place, that's more an exception than the rule! > But did you >know how much power real Japanese housewives have?" > >"How much?," asked Daria. > Mike: [Ami] None. Just like in the good ol' US of A. >"Enough to make any grown man cry in his sake!," giggled Ami. > Tom: o/~ I had some dreams, they were clouds in my sake... clouds in my sake, and... You're So Vain! o/~ >Somehow, after the description that Ami gave about how wives made >men stick to a little stipend from their salaries and controlled >many aspects of their children's education, Crow: After this, Daria made a point to avoid contact with the odd little uberchild who lived in a dreamworld far, far away from reality! > Daria broke into the >biggest smile she ever had. Crow: The thought of making men cry seems to do that to her. Tom: Sadism! Fun for the kids! > But then she asked if that was the >case, them why become a doctor. > Crow: Well, the golfing, of course. What a stupid question! >"My mother's a doctor," began Ami, "and her father before that. Mike: Before that, the family sold ice cream, which is a lot like being a doctor. >She told me how Grandpa was a doctor tending to the wounded >during the war. Crow: Which is odd, as he was trained as a mechanic. Tom: [gramps] Now, corporal, the bullet's scratched your heart, so we're going to try replacing it with this carburetor from my old jeep parked out back. > It was pretty brutal business, especially toward >the end. Mike: [gramps] Oh, I'm so sorry the carburetor to your plane died. Perhaps one of my patients' hearts will work! > After the war, he set up a private practice, and >encouraged my mother to take up the practice, Crow: So she changed her name to Camryn Mannheim. > since she was an >only child and someone had to carry on the business. Crow: Since we live on in the work we do, not through love or charity or anything. > At first >she was hesitant, but then she met one person who changed her >life." > >"Who?," Daria wanted to know. > Tom: John Saxon? >Ami's answer was surprising: > Mike: Otis Spunkmeyer? Crow: George Lucas? Tom: Clayton Moore. Mom was always a big "Lone Ranger" fan. >"Dr. Tezuka Osamu. I guess you know him from his works 'Tetsuwan >Atom' and 'Jungle Taitei'". > Mike: Oh, and he was the fifth Beatle too, until he and Ringo had a fight over a groupie. >"You mean to tell me that the man who created 'Astro Boy' and >'Kimba the White Lion' was a doctor?" > Tom: He's a doctor, not a cartoonist! >"Yes," Ami continued, "and he told my mother that there was no >nobler profession than that of helping your fellow man in his >time of need. Tom: So cartoonists are noble, selfless individuals who strive for the betterment of mankind? Crow: So why didn't Charles Schulz ever win the Nobel? Mike: I think they mean doctors, guys. Crow: Feh! What did a doctor ever do for us? Mike: You're metal. You don't need a doctor! Tom: Our point exactly. > My mother then decided that being a doctor was a >worthwhile goal." > Tom: Cartoonists can be very persuasive. >"I'm impressed, "said a very impressed Daria; she was not one who >was easily impressed. > Mike: I get the impression that she was impressed. Tom: Impressive reasoning there, Mike. I'm impressed. Crow: Again, subtle clues convey the fact that Daria is, indeed, impressed. >"My father, who's an artist, also thinks I should pursue an >artistic career on the side," continued Ami. > Tom: [Ami] Thus my drinking binges and heroin addiction. >"If you ever visit Lawndale," Daria said, "you should check out >my friend Jane Lane; Mike: [Daria] She's hotter than that painter chick in the Levi's ads! [growl] > she's an aspiring artist. Hell, her whole >family is. Except her brother, Trent; he's a rock musician." > Mike: [Daria] He's sold his artistic integrity to the hacks at Atlantic Records. >"Daria," Ami asked, "you looked a bit embarrassed when you >mentioned him. Are you in love with him?" > Crow: Or are you in love with the idea of *being* in love with him? >"I'll admit that I am," confessed Daria. Tom: C'mon, she won't even admit that to *Jane*, for crying out loud! > "It's kind of like the >situation with Usagi and Mamoru. Mike: Or Starsky and Hutch. > I just can't seem to get the >words out, like he knows that I'm there, but he just doesn't seem >to know." > Crow: If she breaks into a ballad, I'm outta here. >"Does he call you 'Dumpling-Head' at times?," inquired Ami. > [All snicker.] Crow: Ami, sometimes the parallels aren't that direct. >"No, nothing insulting like that," said Daria. "Hell, he doesn't >have an insulting bone in his body. Tom: Yeah, his sister got them all. > He's just a bit spacey, Mike: [Daria] In fact, he won an Oscar for "American Beauty." >that's the major flaw in his character." > Tom: [Daria] Plus he's Keyzer Soze, so he's into that creepy Czech "rule by terror" thing. >Ami got a good laugh over that. > Crow: [Ami] Oh, to think being like Kevin Spacey is a flaw! >"You know, Daria, you're different," replied Ami; Crow: [Joel] And that results in creativity. > "You're really >honest about yourself and about other people." > Mike: A little too honest at times. >"Well, I like to tell it like it is," said Daria. > >Ami then added, "Daria, one of these days I will visit Lawndale >and see all your friends and family." > Mike: [Ami] As I grind them under my heel and establish the beach head for the Japanese invasion fleet. Crow: Great! *More* foreshadowing. >"I guarantee you won't have a dull moment there," assured Daria. > Crow: [Daria] We just got a new TCBY in the Galleria! >Daria's train of thought was interrupted when someone turned on >the TV. Mike: Which, the flashback train of thought, or the flashback's flashback train of thought? > The NHK announcer was delivering the nightly news, and >there was one interesting matter: > Tom: Cheese wheel rolls through downtown crushing snack venders! Film at eleven. >"Tokyo-to Governor Nagai Kenji now has a commanding lead over his >opponents in the latest NHK/Yorimuri Shimbun poll. Tom: And with one-quarter of 1% of the returns in, Bill Bradley has conceded defeat. > Nagai, the >Komeito candidate for the empty seat for Tokyo-to in the House of >Representatives, now has a fifty-five percent approval rating as >opposed to his Liberal Democratic, Socialist, Social Democratic >and Communist opponents. Crow: Ha! Take that, ya darn commies! Mike: However, his lead over the "Braless Superheroes With Hooters Out To Here" candidate was within the margin of error. > Nagai's portraying himself as a "law >and order" candidate Tom: He's promising free Jerry Orbach & S. Epatha Merkeson for all! > as well as a reformer seems to have struck a >chord with voters who are gravely concerned over the recent >crises that have seem to hit Japan like a typhoon. Mike: Spokesmen for the opposition stated they were reevaluating "Let Japan Burn, What Do We Care?" as a campaign theme. > As for the >Neo-Zero crisis, NHK will continue to update that situation as >conditions warrant." > Tom: [anchor] And now back to "Two Guys, Five Girls, Three Talking Cats, A Hermaphrodite and a Pizza Place". >The sun was setting now over Tokyo. Daria had a strange feeling >that she wanted to be anywhere else right now than here. Mike: Believe me, we sympathize. > She >excused herself from the reception and went back to Ami's house. >There she decided to go to bed. Crow: She used AutoCad to carefully plan her bedtime procedures, down to the last detail, with elaborate blueprints! > For some strange reason she >decided to wear Ami's football jersey nightshirt. Crow: And the fic takes an unexpected turn as one of the girls decides to remain dressed. > As she fell >asleep, a strange dream began to unfold. . . > Tom: The dream is always the same. Instead of going home to her house, she goes to the neighbors.... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The repairs to the Neo-Zero were taking longer than expected. Mike: What the-?! We set up a dream sequence, and CUT AWAY?! The HELL!? Crow: There is a very different drummer being marched to here. >Yoriko was clearly showing her impatience with the whole affair. > Tom: [Yerko] Now look! You people gave me an estimate of $200! >"I want that engine repaired in the next fifteen minutes or heads >will roll!," Yoriko shrieked. > Mike: Calm down, sweetie. Tokyo will still be there in 15 minutes. Crow: [Yerko] I know! That's what's upsetting me! >Dr. Vander Helffen sensed Yoriko's frustrations and went to her. > Mike: o/~ Let's get it on... o/~ >"All will be ready in good time," he said. > >"Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko yelled, "I will not rest until that >traitor Ryu and the Solar Warrior are both dead!" > Crow: [Yoriko] I've stocked up on No-Doz, and I'm having raw coffee beans administered intravenously! Still, I might take a short nap if either one of them is severely beaten. Mike: What is it with all the oaths of sleeplessness around here?! Tom: Boy, Vivarin could make a mint in this country. >"Yoriko, you are beginning to lose sight of the goal," warned Dr. >Vander Helffen. Mike: I question your commitment to blowin' stuff up. > "We are to take over the nation first; later we >will deal with those who have opposed us." > Mike: Conquer the country, *then* deal with opposition. Brilliant! >"That may be your way, but it is not mine!," said Yoriko. "And >you better have more of the 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon or I >will take matters into my own hands!" Tom: Yerko thinks the carrot and stick approach involves shoving the carrot down your throat. > With that, she stormed out >again. Tom: La nina! Ole! >Dr. Vander Helffen realized that soon he might have to take >matters into his own hands as well. > Mike: Making him no longer the master of his domain. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Daria had the sensation that the alarm had went off, but she had >just fallen asleep. Tom: Her body clock's still on MTV time. Crow: Yup. She gets up every hour to turn off that damned "Real Slim Shady" video. > She looked at the alarm and realized that >she was running late for school. > >"AAAAAAAA! Mike: Football practice! Crow: Hey, that's my line. Mike: Sorry. > I'm late for school! First day! I'm late!," she >shrieked. > Crow: AAAAAHHH!!!! The story's lapping itself! >Then, it seemed that she took off her nightshirt and ran for the >closet--wearing nothing but her panties--to grab a bra. Crow: Mike? Do women generally keep bras in the closet? Mike: Well, no. Generally they keep them in dresser drawers. Tom: Gee, Crow. Everyone knows that. Crow: Uh-huh. And exactly how many women have been on the SoL so that I could learn that? Hmm? > But when >she got to the closet, she fell through it and was falling deep, >deep, into a hole. Crow: [white rabbit] Oh, my ears and whiskers! I'm late for the Mad Hatter's dream sequence! Tom: [same] I run, and then I hop hop hop! I wish that I could fly! > When she landed, it looked like she was in >the middle of a bombed-out area. > Mike: Newark? >"Great," said Daria in her usual deadpan manner; "here I am >virtually naked, Crow: Yeah, we all knew that was how the virtual-reality craze would end. > everyone can see how small-breasted I am, Tom: [shivering] Make him stop, you guys! > and >I'm in the middle of a war zone.. Mike: She repeats the scene set-up! o/~ La-la, LA-la la! o/~ > Right now, I bet some Huns are >going to swoop out of nowhere and grab me." > Tom: Huns? >Just as she said, some Huns swooped out of nowhere and grabbed >her. Tom: Swooping Huns? Mike? Mike: Hell. I've stopped fighting. Just go with it. Crow: Michael Cimino's "Road Warrior". > but just then, someone was standing in their path. > All: Allen Keyes?!? >"Ne'er-do-well'ers!," the man said, [All cackle. Mike puts his head in his hands, shaking it.] > "I am the Solar Warrior, >servant to Amaterasu-Omakami, Goddess of the Sun! Mike: What is it about serving the sun that makes people talk like somebody's senile Aunt Hortense? Crow: [Solar Warrior] Reprobate! You got me menthol! Return to the drug store and get me the right damn cigs! > In the name of >the Sun, you will be judged!" > Tom: I wonder what the appeals process is like for that court. >Then he spread out his hands and the power began to glow in the >discs in each hand. > Tom: [Space Ghost] Taste the wrath of my spank ray, evildoers! >"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," the Solar Warrior yelled. > Crow: Oh, just do it already! Mike: Yeah, stop braying like a gray-haired jackass! >The solar flares streamed from his hands and burned the Huns to a >crisp; Crow: I like my Huns extra crispy, please. Tom: Freakin' *Huns*?!?!? Mike: Yeah, Huns! You know - the blasted Jerries and all that. > Daria, however, was not injured. Tom: Saved by new Tampax! With absorption deflection shields! > The Solar Warrior >approached her. > >"This is kind of a bad time to see me, since I'm naked," Daria >said. > Crow: [Solar] Not from where I'm standin' baby! Hubba hubba! >But the Solar Warrior, it seemed, summoned some solar energy and >dressed her up in a seirafuku. > Tom: Yeah, I'm sure Hammurabi-Kamandi loves being called on for wardrobe purposes. >"Do not be afraid of me, Daria," he said; "I will protect you >from all harm." He seemed to draw closer. Crow: Wow. He must be *real* good at Pictionary. > They were on the >verge of kissing each other. Tom: Not since a damp sponge touched a fish has such passion exploded across the screen! > They kissed, but then Daria was >wrenched awake by someone shaking her shoulder. > Mike: Nonono - *Gentle Pressure*!! Tom: [mournfully] Why don't they look? >"Daria, get up! Crow: Get up, stand up! Stand up for your rights! > We have to go to SDF HQ on the double!," said a >voice. > Tom: I'm trying to work a backgammon reference here, but it's just too dang complicated. >It was Minako, and she looked like she went through Hell herself. Tom: Hell is a woman? Mike: Tell me about it. >She wasn't even in her Sailor Venus seirafuku Crow: [snarky] Oh, nothing but her panties. That's *so* different. > but instead was >wearing a green T-shirt and blue jeans. Tom: The T-shirt seems so out of place in this story. > Her eyes had black bags >under them for lack of sleep, and her hair was a bit disheveled. > Mike: Apparently, looking like a normal person instead of a giggly nymph in a miniskirt means you've been through hell. >"Minako, you interrupted me in the middle of the best dream I've >ever had for this?," said Daria rather groggily > Tom: Daria's best dream is getting a quick kiss while standing naked in a war zone getting attacked by 'Huns'? >"Sorry, but this is urgent!," replied Minako. > Mike: [Minako] The Backstreet Boys are signing autographs with Jon Bon Jovi. C'mon! >"Now I know how Samuel Taylor Colleridge must have felt when that >insurance salesman interrupted him right in the middle of >writing 'Kubla Kahn'," sneered Daria. Crow: Insurance salesman? Didn't Dirk Gentley do that? Tom: Besides, why would you want to write a poem about a guy that Brian Boitano beat up? Mike: This is the Jenga of crossovers! And the whole tower crashed to earth ages ago. > She flung on a black T- >shirt and blue jeans, the same outfit she wore while on her ill- >fated trip to Alternapalooza. Tom: And so, draped in clothing instead of actually wearing it... > Somehow the irony wasn't lost on >her. Mike: It was on us. > It was a weird dream. She never had such intense feelings >for a guy before in her life. Mike: Except for maybe her schoolyard crush on "Plank". Tom: The Solar Warrior she's only met in her dreams. Crow: Who she cares deeply for. > But her heart belonged to Trent, >and she could never tell the Solar Warrior how much she cared for >him. Daria was soon on her way to SDF HQ. > Mike: ASAP, keeping it on the QT. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The FAA facility near Lawndale International Airport was a pretty >critical facility; its radar could cover a six state area. Mike: Unfortunately, those six states were Tennessee, Alaska, Delaware, Wyoming, Wisconsin and New Mexico. Crow: Damn that Y2K problem! > So >there was concern when an aircraft appeared out of nowhere on the >screen. Crow: So, they're concerned when their radar works? > One of the air traffic controllers immediately spotted >that it was the hijacked JAL flight. > Tom: Which, by my count, has been in the air continuously for about three days now. >"Oh, my god! The hijacker is bringing the JAL plane here!," he >spewed out as soon as he realized where it was going. > Mike: The military had no interest tracking the terrorist's position, but luckily ol' Greg here knows his hazy blobs! >Everyone was now in a state of panic. Mike: Which is *not* one of the six states covered on radar. > The plane was nearing >Lawndale. Since word that the attempt to stop the plane failed >since the task force based in Japan was not dispatched due to the >Neo-Zero hijacking, everyone was shuddering to think where the >plane would eventually wind up in. Crow: I shudder to think of the school system that gave him the skills to write that sentence. Tom: Yeah! I mean, I'm so furious at the thought that the U.S. couldn't defend itself without Japan's help, I can't express my anger at how the sentence makes no sense! > It was heading for Lawndale. Mike: Yes, against all logic and common sense, it was really heading for Lawndale. >Phone calls were made to the White House, the Pentagon and to the >nearest USAF base. Tom: In none of these places was Prince Albert actually in a can. > Hell had come to Lawndale, and it was on >board a Boeing 747. > Tom: Usually Hell rides a really boss Harley. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Right now, at 25,000 feet, all that Ami could think about was >that fuel was now almost exhausted. Mike: Well, that and that "Meet Virginia" song. > The needle crept up to "E". > Mike: Hey, time for "Talk Soup"! >The flight attendant came into the cockpit. > >"Everyone is ready for an emergency landing," she said. > >Ami then said, "You've got to tell me how I can keep this plane >level enough to make a belly landing." > Crow: [Ami] You work for the airline, so you *must* know how to fly one these things. >"You'll have to grab the stick and keep it level," instructed the >flight attendant; Tom: [Ami] But the stick juts straight up! I'd have to break it! > " But first you'll have to disengage the auto >pilot." > Mike: [Ami] Right! Ahem! Autopilot, I've met someone else. Here's your ring back! >The flight attendant went over to the auto pilot and deactivated >it. Now the needle was right on "E". Mike: Steve Kmetko, Arthelle Neville, help us! > The engines were still >running, but within a few seconds, they began to grind to a halt. Mike: But the fanfic just kept right on going. >Ami could see Lawndale right in front of her, and saw that the >plane was going to head right for a football stadium. Tom: Well here's a thought. *DON'T STEER TOWARD IT!* Crow: And all the plot devices are beginning to reach critical mass. > The plane >began to fall down, Tom: [resentful] Why? Mike: [shrugging] You know. Just 'cause. > nose first, and Ami and the others were >thrown violently toward the front. Ami grabbed the stick and >tried to keep the plane level. Somehow, the plane was fighting >her, though. > Tom: Tyler Alan 747, you go right to your room! Crow: [whiny] Nonononono, I don't wanna! >"If I don't survive this, let the rest of the Sailor Senshi >avenge my death!," said Ami to herself. > Mike: Yes! Let them raze Boeing's factories to the ground until they develop more fuel-efficient passenger planes! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: [announcer] Next week, on "Mississippi SportsNight Nematode or Spackle"! > Things were not going too good for Lawndale; Tom: The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single brownie. > they were now >trailing 24-7. Crow: And the game had been over for ten minutes. > Kevin had just fumbled the ball and was now >getting a good chewing out from Mack. > Mike: [Mack] You are a LAZY and SLOTHFUL quarterback, Kevin Thompson! All: SHA-A-AME! >"Kevin, you idiot, you're giving the game to Highland on a silver >platter!," shrieked Mack. > Tom: [Kevin] Actually, it's a chafing dish. >Kevin shot back, "Give me a break, Mack! I'm under a lot of >pressure!" > Mike: [Kevin] It's pushing down on me! Pushing down on you! No man ask for! >"If we don't win this game," warned Mack, "we might as well write >off any hopes of winning the conference title, and perhaps even >the state playoffs!" > Crow: [Kevin] If we don't win, I hope a plane with a nuclear bomb crashes into the school and kills everyone. >While that was going on, Beavis and Butt-Head made one more >attempt to score on Quinn. > Tom: Wow. Parallel developments. >"Hey, Quinn, let's blow this game! It sucks! Mike: [Beavis] The coach is refusing to use four wide-outs to stretch the defense! > Go back to our >place and let's score!", Beavis said. > Crow: I think Beavis is with the Congressional Budget Office. Tom: [Beavis] Hnh-hnh, yeah. SCORE the budget. That'll RULE! >"If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to do something >drastic!," screamed Quinn. > Mike: [Quinn] Maybe I'll cause a plane to fall outta the air or something! >Just then, everyone heard a loud "WHOOSH!" Crow: Cool! Quinn's learned "the craft"! Mike: It might just be Captain Vacuum Cleaner on his usual patrol. > Suddenly, the JAL 747 >fell out of the sky. Tom: Oh, Y2K caught up with it. > It seemed to be stable, Tom: It came from a two-parent family, no drug or alcohol problems... > but then it was too >close to the stadium; it flew by it, and grazed a set of lights. >The tower fell down. Everyone ran in panic. > Mike: A shot rang out! The woman screamed! A pirate ship loomed over the horizon! Tom: [crowd, panic] Oh no! We were too stupid to run when the danger approached, and now that it's passed we're disoriented! >"WHOA! I think there're filming 'Black Sunday II'!", Butt-Head >said. > Crow: Well, it can't be as bad as "Any Given Sunday"! >"Wait a minute, dillweed! 'Black Sunday' was about a blimp!", >Beavis replied. > Tom: Stop! I refuse to believe that either of them can remember anything about "Black Sunday". These two have no long term memory! Crow: [wailing] And thanks to "Misery Neo-Con Slap and Tickle", neither do I! Mike: Eyes on the prize, guys. Keep riffing. >"No, assmunch!," shot back Butt-Head. "That was 'The >Hindenburger' or something like that!" > Mike: The Hindenburger, new from Jack n' the Box. >"I'll blow up your blimp, asswipe!," warned Beavis. > Mike: I'll blow up your blimp? Crow: Beavis and Luke Cage must have the same dialogue writers. >"Go ahead and try, Beavis!," dared Butt-Head. > Crow: [Beavis] I'll leave your milk out! Tom: [Butthead] I'll over-inflate your tires! Crow: [Beavis] I'll let you operate heavy machinery after taking Contact cold medicine! >They got into a fist fight. Crow: [Beavis] Miscreant! Tom: [Butthead] Ne'er-do-weller! Mike: Hey, you two watch your language! Crow: [penitent] Oh, jeez! Tom: Sorry Mike, I don't know what came over us! > Quinn tried to get away but those >two saw her go, then broke off their fight and went after her. >Quinn ran screaming. > Tom: I'm glad that big fiery plane crash didn't distract from the true focal point of the scene. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ami tried her best to keep the plane level, but hitting the >stadium lights didn't help matters. Tom: Yeah, the objects you hit are usually the most inconvenient part of the crash. > The plane was almost on the >ground now. Ami tried to concentrate, but it was no use; the >stick was still fighting her. > Crow: This Senshi's fading fast, could this be the makings of an upset? Mike: Some superhero. Can't beat a stick. >"Pull up! Pull up!," the flight attendant screamed. "WE'RE >GOING TO CRASH! Crow: [Ami] Thanks for the news flash, Lynne Russell! Tom: The stewardess is fulfilling the "Counselor Troi" role in the story. > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" > Crow: Arthur Fonzarelli, in a role that will touch your heart. Mike: Nah, there would be an "Y" at the end there. It's different. >The plane hit the ground like a lead balloon. Tom: But on the plus side, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant knew what to name their band now! > It bounced and >broke into several pieces before finally coming to rest. Crow: [Ami] I swear I will not rest! Until the plane's crashed and bounced around and broke a couple of times. > Ami saw >the flight attendant crash through the windshield and into a >tree, killing her instantly. Crow: Wow! The plane crash knows to take out the extras first! > Ami conked her head against the >stick and began to black out. Mike: Ew, it's "The Anime According to Garp". [Crow and Tom look at Mike quizzically.] Mike: In the book, the car crash is a little graphic. Tom: Oh. > "Not now, not now. . . . .," she >said, then lapsed into unconsciousness. > Crow: One woman is thrown with enough force to crash *through* the windshield, while Ami just "conks" her head? Tom: Selective physics, I guess. Mike: [announcer] "Mizzenmast Blintz-Cheese Needlejet Peanut Brittle" will return, after these messages! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Anthony Corlew saw what happened, and took it for a sign. > Mike: A "Keep Right" sign, actually. >"ATTACK!", he roared. Now the Lawndale Militia raced forward and >the various troops stormed City Hall, the Police Station and the >Courthouse. Crow: You know, if they really wanted to control the town, they'd go to the local video store and rent all the copies of "Bowfinger". > Soon enough, since there was only token resistance, Crow: Only the women and minorities fought back? >they had taken over all three buildings. > Crow: There's only three buildings in Lawndale? Mike: Turned them co-op, and hired a creepy old bald guy as super. >Anthony boldly entered the Mayor's office, sat down in the chair, >and propped his feet on his desk. > Tom: [Corlew] Poindexter, take a memo. From now on I shall be addressed as the Exalted High Head Ned Limpopo. The town drink will be Jack Daniels and our national pastime shall be shuffleboard. >"Gentlemen, at long last, Lawndale is ours!," he said in triumph. > Crow: [Corlew] Now, to proactively engage the zoning laws to encourage development of the waterfront! >It was the bleakest hour in Lawndale's history. > Mike: Except for that Bay City Rollers/Starland Vocal Band concert. Crow: How much longer is this thing? [The trio rise from their places and exit the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . .] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow are center stage.] Crow: It's clearly animal cruelty. Tom: Exactly. The Webster's definition of it. [Pause.] It *is* in there, right? I mean, it's a dictionary, so it'd almost have to - Crow: [barging ahead] Always, the pain and suffering of any of God's creatures brings sorrow to our hearts. But never so much as when it's passed off as entertainment. Tom: It's always the innocent ones who pay the price! Crow: Like in today's story. Tom: Right! A proud, majestic python shark, whose only crime was being a mindless killing machine, destroying and devouring anything and everything in its path, was murdered - MURDERED! And in a manner heinous enough to boggle the mind. Crow: They blowed him up bad! Tom: Real bad! Crow: And it was the work of terrorists! Tom: Well, the work of one really stupid, half-crazed, Cat Stevens-singing, incoherent dimbulb of a terrorist with all the survival instincts of a toast point, but still... Crow: What sin could a shark commit in a single lifetime - Tom: [interrupting] *Anyway* - the worst part of it is, we never got to know the shark as a character. What were its hopes? Its dreams? Crow: Did it long for a shark life better than the one its poor old shark parents had? Tom: Did it aspire to see its name up in lights? Did it yearn to feel the love and warmth of a little baby shark? Crow: How to fill this void in our lives? Thankfully, we have some help in the form of our very own Gypsy! Tom: Yep! Here she is with her tribute to our Benchley-esque everyfish. Performing her one woman, one-act play, "Hironamus Defined: An Omnivore's Story" - Gypsy! [Tom and Crow move off-stage. The bridge lights dim. Into a single spotlight, Gypsy enters center stage. She wear a purplish shark-type fin on top of her head, and is still sporting the set of neo-choppers Mike outfitted her with. She pauses a moment, standing pretty still. Then, she turns to her left.] Gypsy: Swim! [She stays there for a few moments. She then turns to the right.] Gypsy: Eat. [Widen the shot to show Tom and Crow watching her approvingly. Gypsy continues.] Gypsy: Swim! [She stays there for a few moments. She turns back to the left.] Gypsy: Eat. [Mike enters behind Tom and Crow.] Mike: Guys, have you seen Gyps- Tom and Crow: SHHH! Gypsy: Swim! [pause, turn] Eat. Mike: [whispering] Sorry to interrupt, but the ship's orbit is getting kinda weird. Gypsy needs to make a course correction. Tom: Well, fine, Mike, but just remember - Gyps is a method actor! She has to stay in character! Crow: Yeah, so her name is "Hironamus", and she's a single parent python shark whose mother doesn't understand her Tom: And she only gets by with the help of her ruggedly handsome next-door neighbor, Bronson. Crow: He's a gigolo with a heart of gold. Tom: And then she gets blown up by a bomb. Crow: Bingo. It's a vivid portrayal of the futility of life. Tom: Just like "Doctor Doolittle." Mike: Right. Python. Bronson. Bomb. Doolittle. Gotcha. [Mike approaches Gypsy.] Mike: Hermopodus? Gypsy: [startled] Swim? Mike: [taking out a long computer printout] Hey, Hermopodus, I got the latest flight data off the azimuth recorder- Gypsy: [staring at Mike] Swim? Mike: And at this trajectory, it looks to me like we're suffering from a 9.8 degree overshoot - probably just an ion storm disruption of the solar wind. Gypsy: [staring at Mike, softly sinister] Eat. Mike: So, what we're probably lookin' at here is - [Gypsy rears back, opens her mouth, and swallows Mike's head.] Mike: [screaming, terrified] AAAUGH! MY WINDPIPE!! Tom: Wow! Now THAT'S pathos! [They engage in a desperate tug of war. They keep struggling as the buzzer sounds.] Crow: Aw, no, Misery sign! And we never even got to the big wedding scene! Mike: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: Ah, c'mon, Mike, stop playing around and get in the theater, ya big ham! Mike: [still struggling desperately] CROW! SERVO! GOD! BRONSON! ANYBODY! MY HAIR IS BEING SUCKED DOWN HER TUBE! [The two pull each other out of shot as the door sequence begins.] [6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . ] [All enter. Mike is smoothing down his hair] Mike: Boy, when Gypsy acts, she really inhabits her role. Tom: *sniff**sniff* Geez, Nelson, you smell like old mackerel! Mike: Like I said, she *really* inhabits her role. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 8: Ami Joins the Free Lawndalers > Tom: Ami joins the militiamen? What the-? >When Ami came to, she could see in the haze that wreckage was >strewn everywhere. She was feeling groggy. Crow: Thankfully, the plane crashed next to a Starbuck's. Tom: How can a plane *not* crash by a Starbuck's these days? Mike: Hmm. Ami never has a second cup after my plane crashes... > There were flames >everywhere, since there was some flammable material on board, Tom: Sometimes called "passengers". >and the smell of burning flesh was everywhere. Tom: See? Mike: Man, that's the last time I book the same flight as a Buddhist monk. > Ami though her >eyes were playing tricks on her when she thought she saw two >familiar faces. Crow: [Ami] Daryl Hall and John Oates? What the- > She began to speak, though she still was a >bit groggy-headed: > Tom: [Ami] Oy, the colors! Hoyle! >"Usagi-chan, Mamoru, is that you? And if it is, Mike: -what the HELL do I have to do to ditch you two?! > why are you in >that ridiculous cheerleading uniform, Usagi-chan, and why is >Mamoru dressed up like a American rules football player?" > Tom: [Usagi] Hey, do we pry into *your* private life? Crow: It's Sailor Boink and Tuxedo Lout! >"I don't know what you're talking about," Brittany said. Crow: Introduction time, brace yourselves. > "My >name is Brittany Taylor, head cheerleader at Lawndale High; >this is my boyfriend, Kevin Thompson, star quarterback for our >team." She was twirling her hair again. > Tom: [Ami] Hm. Either Japan got real stupid or... hey, America! Crow: They're very calm about the whole plane crash thing. >Ami was now getting used to her surroundings. The moans of the >injured and dying could be heard everywhere. Crow: You know, Mike? I'm glad we're not dwelling on how anyone could survive a crash severe enough to shear the plane in half. Tom: Most folks would be wondering how the *hell* Ami could walk away from an accident that flung a nude stewardess out the window! Crow: But not us. Tom: Uh-uh. We've matured. Mike: Oh. Well, good. > The wreckage was >scattered for about several hundred feet. At least the plane >managed to avoid the football field. > Tom: No property damage, but at least a lot of people got hurt! >Ami now began to ask questions: "Where am I?" > Mike: [evilly] The village. Tom: [Ami] Who are you? Crow: Stop that. >"You're in Lawndale," Kevin responded. > Crow: [Kevin] Shall we laugh maniacally? Tom: [Brittany] Yes, lets! Bots: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mike: Oh, like she knows where that is! Stop pretending! >"Are there any casualties?," Ami wanted to know. > Mike: What happened to all the moaning and writhing people? Tom: Um, they got better? >"We saw a lot of icky dead bodies around here! EW!," Brittany >responded. > Mike: [Brittany] But none of those casualty thingies. Tom: Well there's one person who didn't survive the first five minutes of "Saving Private Ryan". >Ami could see that there was a lot of carnage around. It was >sickening. Ami felt like she wanted to throw up. Mike: Is the nausea from the plane crash, or from the in flight movie "Death of a Salesperson", with Adam Sandler, Pauley Shore, and Fran Drescher? > She staggered, >not noticing that she had a big gash on her head, the result of >the tiara she wore cutting into her forehead when it hit the >control stick. Crow: Isn't that like Superman tripping on his cape, or Batman suffocating 'cuz he put his cowl on backwards? > The blood was dripping all over her seirafuku. Tom: Club Soda. Get it right out. >It was like something out of a nightmare, except this was for >real. Mike: It was like something from the warped brain of a sick fan, except this was posted on the Internet. > At least Akbar had been thrown out of the plane along with >his nuclear device before it went off. That would have made >matters infinitely worse. Crow: Yeah, I'd say so. > Ami began to count the small blessings >right now. > Crow: [Ami] Okay, 1: I got this gig instead of that role on "Enigma". 2: That cool new Smash Mouth CD is out. 3: I'm ahead of Usagi on the "Cute Anime Babes" website... >"I only hope that word gets out that I'm OK to my friends back in >Japan", she said. Tom: Cause she's really big in Japan. Mike: Just like Tom Waits. > She now saw the damage to herself. The blouse >of her seirafuku was ripped, and part of her bra beneath that was >ripped off, exposing her left breast. Crow: Y'know, I have a suspicion that Pete has a thing for the chesticular region. Mike: Maybe. He's awfully furtive about it. > Her miniskirt was also >tattered, and her boots were scuffed. Crow: [horrified] No! Not *scuffed boots!* Mike: Get a bootblack over here! We need 10 cc's of polish and buff rag, STAT! > Ami needed some attention. > Crow: Exposing your breast would certainly indicate that. >"We've got to have a doctor check you out!," Kevin stated. > Tom: (Kevin] I mean, he will not friggin' *believe* this! WOW! >"OK by me," Ami replied. Ami was so overwhelmed by what she saw >that she began to cry. Mike: [Ami, crying] I can't believe he called a doctor before a seamstress! It's like he *wants* my breasts exposed or something! > She was going to Germany so she could >become a doctor and help end people's suffering, but now she >needed some of that attention herself. Tom: Isn't it - well, you know. Crow: Thanks, Alanis. > Somehow, she thought she >saw a vision of Amaterasu-Omikami before her. Crow: [Goddess, catty] Oh! Look who's dying! Ms. "I'm Too Good To Be A Sailor Scout"! > She began to speak >some words or encouragement to her: > Mike: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ALABAMA-OKLAHOMA!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT WRITER BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!! >"My child, be strong. The world is in peril, but you and your >friends will prevail. Thus have I sworn!' Tom: It's nice to see Yul Brynner still getting work. Mike: Not even death can stop his agent. > The vision seemed to >dissolve. > Crow: But what it really did was open a new boutique in San Francisco. Tom: Now add the ice cubes, refrigerate, and you have the recipe for Jello's Quick-Set Goddess! >"Amaterasu-Omakami!," Ami cried out; "Don't leave me in my time >of need!" Tom: [goddess, waving] Be sure to check out my website! www.amaterasuomakami.com! > She stretched her arms out to the vision, which had >now completely vanished. > Mike: [Ami, weepy] I just wanted a hug. >Ami collapsed and began to cry furiously. > Tom: [Ami] She saw me with no mascara on! I'm so embarrassed! >Brittany herself was now on the verge of tears. Tom: [Brittany] Gah, what's that smell?! Whew! > She hugged >Kevin. > >"Why us? Why our community? Why now?," she sobbed. > Bots: Why? o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ Mike: *Sigh* Maybe the Canadians and the Japanese will get so caught up arguing over who gets you two, they'll overlook me. >"I wish I knew the answers, Brittany," was all that Kevin could >say. Crow: [Kevin] I wish I had the brains God gave a rubber tree, Brit. But sometimes ya just gotta make do! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: [quickly] Misery Wizardry Nitpick A-Mundo! >The football field was all in confusion now. Mike: Well that's what you get for trying to take the field when the marching band refuses to yield. > Everyone was on the >field, tending to whoever they could find alive. Crow: [Lawndale rube] Does it hurt when I do this? Tom: [victim] AAAAAAAUGH! Crow: Cool! How about this? Mike: It's good to see that Dr. Forrester's legacy lives on. > Mr. DeMartino >went to Ms. Li and spoke to her rather harshly: > Tom: [DeMartino] Ooh ooh, you...bad lady! >"I hope you're goddamn satisfied! Crow: [Bill Cosby] I hobe you sabisfied! Mike: I don't really think you can hold Ms. Li responsible on this one. Tom: It's not like she put up a "Terrorists: Fly here!" sign or anything. > You went ahead with the game >and we just became the target of an international terrorist! Mike: [DeMartino] Just like I SOMEHOW predicted EARLIER! > I >will report this matter to the State Education Department!" > Tom: Because as we all know, a high school football game is always a ripe target for international terrorism! Crow: There's a breakdown in logic here so massive, I don't even know where to begin. >"If you do that," Ms. Li warned, "I'll see to it that you never >work in this state as a teacher ever again! Mike: Hm. You know, most time when people makes threats? It's something *bad*. > Hell, I'll make sure >you can't work in this entire country as a teacher ever again! Crow: The Lawndale school board has that much power? Really? Mike: Proposition 413: Should the Lawndale school board be able to wield supreme power over school hirings across the country? Passed with 83%. >The only way you'll ever get a job teaching is in some straw hut >in Burkina Faso as part of the Peace Corps!" > Tom: Just get a job as a garbage man. Higher pay, people respect you more... >Mr. DeMartino couldn't hold his anger against her back any >longer. His right eye bulged out and he yelled: > Mike: *YAHTZEE!* >"Angela Li, you are nothing but a greedy, egotistical bitch!" > Crow: [lovingly] But you're *my* greedy egotistical bitch! >With that, he huffed out of the area. > Tom: And Ms. Li ran from the remains of her straw house, to her brother's, which was made of wood! >Timothy O'Neill, the English teacher, was tending to someone who >just went to cardiac arrest. Mike: Tim O'Neill *is*, Heart Cop! NBC Sunday! > He was performing CPR. A doctor >checked the person over. > Crow: [doctor] Hm, sensible clothing, both breasts fully covered... nope, there's nothing I can do here. >"I'm sorry, but we've lost him," the doctor said. > Mike: Well, where'd you put him last? Look under the couch cushions. >Mr. O'Neill stood there, the life drained out of him. Tom: He's now a half strength wight. > He began to >weep. > Mike: [Godley & Crème] o/~ You don't even know how to say goodbye! It makes me wanna CRYYYYYYYYY! o/~ >Jane and Quinn were tending to someone who had a broken leg. Crow: Wow, when Lawndale made a year of pre-med a graduating requirement for grade school, I guess they knew what they were doing. >Quinn took some wooden boards that were laying on the side while >Jane took her jacket off, ripped it up and used the strips to >bind the boards to the leg. Tom: Hopefully with the nails pointed out... Mike: Weren't Beavis and Butthead chasing Quinn before? Crow: Eh. Considering the number of exposed breasts floppin' around, they're probably paralyzed and drooling somewhere. > Soon enough he was taken to Lawndale >Hospital. > Mike: [ghost story] And the nameless character with the minor injury was never seen again. Some say he still haunts this field. >In all the commotion no one noticed when a group of Lawndale >Militia soldiers approached the football field. Anthony stood in >front of the troops. > Tom: Directly in the line of fire. Crow: [Corlew] OK, guys, remember! This is two-hand touch! So no gunplay until you're five yards beyond the line of scrimmage! >"Now, people, we've got the town!," he announced. "Now, let's >take its people!" Crow: What is that, a song lyric? > With that they stormed into the facility, guns >blazing. The charging troops lead to mass panic everywhere. Mike: Yes, that's the way to endear yourself - attack the wounded. Crow: Well! This has certainly been one busy beaver of day! Tom: Yeah, after this the town'll be ready for nice, relaxing vacation in downtown Chechnya. Mike: Meanwhile, Kevin's wandering around in a daze, wondering when they're going to finish the game... > >In the confusion, Jane and Quinn were separated. Mike: Jane was beaten until fluffy, while Quinn was added to a custard later that evening. > Jane lost track >of where Quinn was. Quinn was being jostled by the crowd. Then, >suddenly, an arm jerked her out of the crowd. > Crow: Thank you, Thing! Tom: Choppy writing. Making me sick. >"Jane, am I glad to see you!," Quinn began to say, but then she >saw who yanked her, and heard the hideous laughter. Mike: [shocked] Paul Chaplin! Crow: [confused] Who? > Quinn >screamed as Beavis began to grope her breasts while Butt-Head >grabber her legs. Crow: You have to admire their stick-to-it-iveness here. Tom: Yup, they set a goal, and they're taking concrete steps to achieve it. > Those two picked her up and carried her off. > Tom: How? >"I'm gonna go home and spank my monkey!," Beavis said. > Mike: I dunno, is corporal punishment *really* the answer? >"Yeah, then we're going to score!," Butt-Head added. > Tom: You'd think the militia would shoot at this. >Ami, Brittany and Kevin saw what was going on from a few feet >away. > Mike: Then why don't they *do* something? Crow: Man! Lawndale really needs one of them "Good Samaritan" laws! >"Oh, my god! Beavis and Butt-Head just kidnapped Quinn!," >Brittany shrieked. > Crow: Ahhh! They're going to show her a bunch of Poison and Ratt videos! Mike: [Brittany] If only someone cared enough to extend their arms! >Ami saw what was going on, and tried to summon whatever energy >she had left to use her Shabon Spray, Tom: -which had half the calories of butter or margarine. > but the exertion was too >much. She began to black out. > Tom: [Ami] Shouldn't... have bought... non-aerosol... pump... Crow: o/~ That was the night that the lights went out in Ami! o/~ >Mr. DeMartino saw what was going on. "Everyone who can, retreat >to the school!," he shouted. > Mike: [DeMartino] And if you can't YOU'RE on your own! BYE! >Many people did. The whole area was becoming a mob scene. Chaos >was now ruling Lawndale. Mike: But soon, Maxwell Smart and his agents from CONTROL would show up. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Beavis and Butt-Head had arrived at the bus stop with Quinn. >Quinn was pleading with her captors: > Crow: [Quinn] Don't make me ride the bus! >"Please let me go! I'll do anything you want! Tom: o/~ But I won't do that... o/~ Mike: Tom! Tom: What? > My parents are >loaded! Crow: [Quinn] They've been drinking non-stop for days now! They'll be really easy to convince! > They'll pay you any ransom you want!" > Tom: [Quinn] Our estate at Cambridge? It's yours! >"Shut up, bitch!," Beavis snapped at her. "We're going to score >with you, and you'll just lay back and enjoy it! Mike: [Beavis] And then, we're like, gonna hold hands, and make big plans about stuff we know won't happen! > I'm getting a >stiffie just thinking about it! HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" > >Butt-Head joined in with his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH- >HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Tom: Wonderful. Now my silicon soul is permanently stained. >The bus pulled up to the stop. Crow: Then exploded as it's odometer went under 50. > Quinn screamed for help. Mike: She had never ridden the bus before. Tom: Well, it can be pretty overwhelming. > Beavis, >however, got on board, Crow: Oh my god! The tension! It's unbearable! > kicked off the driver, Crow: [gulping for air] Mike! Mike! I'm palpitating! Mike: Easy, easy! > and let Butt-Head >and Quinn in. Tom: On a little secret! The plot was *rigged*! Quinn was perfectly safe! > Beavis took over driving the bus, which was empty. Tom: Butt-Head and Quinn watched from the curb, wondering why Beavis was leaving without them. >Butt-Head undid Quinn's bra and used it as a gag. > Tom: Why would he want to gag himself? Mike: Who cares, let's just count our blessings. >"Man, you've got big hooters!," Butt-Head said as he looked >underneath Quinn's shirt. Mike: Ironically, Quinn chose this day to wear her "Hooters" T-shirt. > Quinn slapped him. > Crow: What good's the gag if her hands are free? Mike: It's kidnapping on the honor system. >"OW! You bitch! Why'd you do that? Tom: [Quinn] I'm sorry, an ugly sexist idiot landed on your cheek. > I was just complimenting >you!" > Tom: [Quinn] You're lucky you didn't say anything about my hair! >Beavis drove live a demon all the way back to Highland. Tom: Jason Blood, Driver's Ed instructor! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Lawndale High now had the air of a M*A*S*H unit. Mike: It had become preachy and humorless, and Alan Alda was directing everything. > The injured >were everywhere. Doctors and nurses were taking care of them. Crow: Nurse! We need more limes and coconuts over here, stat! >At the auditorium, all those who were able were gathered. Tom: And in the back of the auditorium are five AV geeks, fighting over who gets to run the projector. > Ami >had her injuries tended to, and now was feeling a bit better. Mike: [Ami] Could someone get me some warm miso, please? >Mr. DeMartino was on stage, and he had a TV set on. Tom: It was part of his one-man show "DeMartino Takes On". > The news was >grim. The Lawndale Militia now had control of the entire town, >and all but forty-five passengers had died in the crash, Crow: [narrator] The rest had been shot by Akbar beforehand. > and the >death toll was mounting. Bobbie Baptistia on CNN stated that the >militia had seized the mayor, the police chief and the city >judge. Mike: And the pastry chef from the Sheraton, so you know the continental breakfast'll be good. > Things were grim outside as well: The report of the Neo- >Zero theft and the subsequent bombing of Tokyo were given just a >much coverage. Mike: Nice to know a terrorist attack on a major global population center gets *just as much air time* on CNN as a bunch of drunken suburban yahoos. Crow: Well, Ted's been distracted ever since Hanoi Jane left him. > Ami went into shock when she heard that. > Crow: She went into shock because they're covering Lawndale just as much as they are that Neo-Zero thingie? Mike: It must be the morphine. >"My friends! Who knows if they're all right?," Ami wondered. > Mike: I'll go out on a limb and say they might. >Jane was also worried, since Daria was over there. > Crow: [Jane] Poor Japan. >"Good god!," she said, "I hope Daria is all right!" > Tom: [Jane] And I hope I internalize future concerns, since an outburst like this is very much out of my character! >Ami turned around and saw Jane. > >"Jane Lane, right?," she asked. > Tom: Right. You get a cookie. >Jane was stunned; "Yeah, how did you know?," she asked. > Mike: [Ami] I know your cousin, Lois. You look just like her! >Ami replied, "I'm Mizuno Ami, Daria's friend." Right now was not >the time to beat around the bush about her secret identity as >Sailor Mercury; Crow: When *do* they hide their identities, exactly? Tom: [Ami] Well! It is time for Mizuno Ami, also known as Sailor Mercury, to hit the can! Watch my seat. > besides, they had taken off her clothes when they >tended to her injuries Tom: [Ami] But it's just a sinus headache! Crow: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say! Now strip, sister! > and gave her a Lawndale High T-shirt and >blue jeans to wear. > Crow: Now she blended right in. Mike: Oh, she and Kevin have the same bra size! Crow: Lucky. >"You're the one who asked Daria over to Japan!," Jane continued. Tom: [Jane] This is all your fault, DIE! >"How did you wind up here, and what's happened to Daria?" Crow: It's a really, *really* long story. You don't wanna know. > >"It's a complicated story," Ami began. Mike: [Ami] I was on the plane, and Daria's a Sailor Scout. "Complicated" is English for "straightforward", right? > "And I don't know >anything about this Neo-Zero business. I didn't have anything to >do with the JAL plane being hijacked, either, in case you were >wondering about that." > Tom: But she *is* responsible for MTV preempting Daria for months at a time. >Jane took a close look at Ami. Mike: o/~ Jane's gettin' serious. o/~ > Somehow she could sense the >spiritual affinity that she shared with Daria. Daria and Jane, >after all, were the least liked in school, Mike: Upchuck must've learned how to pirate cable. > and it seemed that Ami >seemed to be in that same category, or at least she had suffered >some hardships. > Crow: Yeah, 'cause Ami's mom is an overbearing...um, well, her sister's an air -- no. Hell, they're in there somewhere. >"Ami, you're not telling me the whole story here," Jane shot >back. "What's happening here? What's happening to all of us?" > Crow: [Jane] We were all so close once... >Ami looked deep into Jane's blue eyes. She could sense that Jane >really valued Daria even if the rest of the school didn't. > Mike: You should always take care of your personal organ bank. >"How long have you known each other?," she asked her. > >"Ever since we met in kindergarten," Jane replied; Tom: Now come on! It was made very clear in Episode One that Daria and Jane hadn't met before! Crow: Don't fanfic authors have some basic responsibility to know what the hell they're talking about? Mike: You ask this on Page 243? > "My family >moved here from Highland after second grade, but then Daria moved >here a couple of years back. Mike: [Ami] Ah! Then Santa and his holy reindeer gave you the super power of detachment to fight crime, yes? > Not only that, she's got a crush on >my brother Trent." > Tom: Wow, thanks for that totally irrelevant fact, Jane! Crow: You can tell she values her position as Daria's confidant. >Suddenly, Ami could see deep into Jane's soul. Crow: Ah, the morphine's kicking in finally. Mike: [Ami] Hey! An unexplored inclination towards bisexuality! This could get interesting! > She could see >Daria and Trent. Crow: Playing table tennis? With hockey scores beneath them? Tom: Jane's soul gets ESPN2! > She could see them about to kiss, but it seemed >that suddenly Queen Beryl came out of nowhere and snatched Trent >from Daria. Mike: His publicist. He's late for his shoot with Liebowitz. Sid Liebowitz, the photo manager at Sears? Tom: Oh, right. I admire his work with screaming children. > "This isn't right!," she said, and began to black >out. > Mike: I've been saying that the whole story long... Tom: So, basically everybody and their dog is reincarnated from the Silver Millennium. >"It must be the medicine they gave you," Jane told her; "It's >probably playing tricks on your brain." > Crow: [Jane] I like talking best when you're blacked out, Ami! You're such a good listener! >Ami felt that had to be it. She remembered that it was Endymion >who was taken away from Princess Serenity, not Trent from Daria. Tom: Uh oh, *someone*'s drawing parallels again. >but somehow the shock of everything was taking its toll on her. >She collapsed. > >"Ami, Ami, are you OK?," yelled Jane, shaking Ami. > Crow: Yeah, that's the stuff. Exacerbate that concussion, encourage that brain clot! >Nothing was OK for her. She seemed to have been transported into >the middle of a raging sea. Mike: Wow, it really *is* Diarrhea. Look. > She was now nude. Tom: That's really a given by this point, isn't it? Mike: She should also start complaining about her small breasts. > Suddenly, it >seemed every enemy the Sailor Senshi ever faced swarmed out of >nowhere. > Mike: Yeah, there's Oscar, Dr. Thinker, Nav, Darren Shivo, Kane, Pete.... Crow: Don't bother listing them all, or we'll never get out of here. >"Now we will have our revenge!," roared Kunzite, and it seemed he >had a long dagger that he flung right at Ami. Crow: Is Midway really the best place to resolve all this? Mike: "Victory at Sea" starts playin' in the background, Admiral Yamamoto's on the "Akago" screamin' at them to get out of the way... Tom: Hm. I don't recall Ensign Gay mentioning a nude Japanese schoolgirl... > Ami dodged it, >only to bump up right against Ann. > Crow: The great villains: Joker - Ghidorah - Dr. Doom - and *Ann*! Tom: [shocked] Ann! You look a little raggedy! >"I never got to kiss Mamoru, and it's all your fault!," she >yelled. Mike: Gerald Ford grabbed her. "You caused me to lose the 1976 election!" Crow: Bill Buckner! "You made me muff Mookie Wilson's ground ball in the '86 World Series!" Tom: David Kelly! "You made me create 'Snoops'!" > >With that, it seemed Ann drew out a red hot poker and stuck it >right across Ami's abdomen. Ami seemed to be screaming in agony. > Mike: She doesn't know if she's screaming in agony or not? Crow: She has self-awareness issues. >Sailor Galaxia came out of nowhere and seemed to rip open the >heavens and the earth. Tom: Argh! Who *are* these people? Elves, spirits, Shriners? What?! > Ami seemed to be sucked into a black >hole. When she hit bottom, she seemed to be in an area that was >completely dark. Mike: And then Regis asked her for her final answer. > She was now clad in her Sailor Mercury >seirafuku. Tom: Is she wearing a bra? We'll let you decide that, dear reader. > Suddenly, strong, intense shafts of light appeared, Crow: And the Power Rangers appear to further muddle the plot. >and the rest of the Sailor Senshi stood there, with scowls on >their faces. Mike: [random Sailor] Someone's been dipping into the slumber party fund... > Not only that, but it seemed that Tuxedo Mask and >Moonlight Knight were there as well, along with many of her other >friends. > All: SURPRISE!!! o/~ Happy Birthday to you...o/~ >"Grandpa is dead now because you wanted to go to Germany!" Rei >seemed to scream. Tom: [Vincent Price] Nothing is as it seems... > Then she brandished a demon banishment scroll >and shrieked "AKURYO TAISAN!" in the loudest voice possible as >she flung the scroll at Ami. > Mike: [Rei] Oh, here, I graded your midterm. Good style, work on your grammar. >"I think you had plenty to do with Mamoru breaking up with me >five years ago after Chibi-Usa arrived," Usagi said. Crow: [Ami] Well *maybe*, Usagi, if you'd laid off the Sailor Sundae Bar, Mamoru wouldn't have left! > "For that, >you will pay! MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" Crow: Got Moon Princess Halitosis? Try new Lunarsterine! > Ami seemed to be >screaming in agony. > Tom: I *seem* to be in rapt attention, but it's all in the way I nod my head. >"You're the real 'Dumpling Head' around here! Crow: Mmmm-mmm! I good use a nice big heaping bowl of dumpling heads right about now. > You abandoned us! >You betrayed us!," Tom: *YOU* forgot to clean the plates before loading the dishwasher! > Tuxedo Mask said as he flung a rose dart. > Mike: [Tuxedo Mask] Accursed rose dart! Away with thee! >Everyone was yelling over and over again, "COWARD! TRAITOR! >SPINELESS COWARD!" > Crow: [Senshi] SPINELESS TRAITOR! Wait- did we use that one? What about "coward"? >The voices seemed to be going on and on and on and on. . . > Mike: Much like... Oh, hell. You can finish that joke on your own, folks. Crow: Andy Warhol films are shorter than this! >Finally, Ami couldn't take it any more, and began screaming, >"MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" > Tom: Yet the writing continued, unabated. >Suddenly, a bright red flash ripped Ami back to reality. Crow: Yes, the onset of nuclear war brings the day to a perfect close. > It >seemed that Mr. DeMartino slapped her across the face to calm her >down. > Tom: [DeMartino] It seems SOMEONE feels they can shirk their RESPONSIBILITY by having a *NIGHTMARISH DREAM SEQUENCE!* >"Sorry, kid, but I had to do that to calm you down," he began. >The TV was turned off now, and he went back to the stage. It >seemed that he was going to make a speech. > Mike: That's when the real panic began. Tom: [agitated] What's with all this "seeming"? Can't something just actually _happen_! Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 1999, wear sunscreen. Mike: Crow, we did that one earlier. Crow: And we'll keep doing it until it's funny! >"I knew that the day would come," he began, with his right eye >once again bulging out, "that something like this was going to >happen. Mike: Don't you hate it when rampaging lunatics go and validate the views of other rampaging lunatics? Tom: It just creates a whole awkward "chain nut" situation. > Mr. Corlew and his associates in the Lawndale Militia >had been plotting to overthrow the local government for some time >now. But I was not going to stand idly by and let them get away >with it! Tom: [DeMartino] Sure, I *COULD* have warned the AUTHORITIES or SOMETHING, but, no, I had to act like a PARANOID LOON! > NO! NOT I, ANTHONY DEMARTINO! I was prepared for >this!" > Mike: [DeMartino] And my PLAN to RUN AWAY at the FIRST sign of trouble worked like a CHARM!!! >He paused to draw the curtains of the stage, and it seemed that a >whole stockpile of weaponry was right behind him. Tom: Wow! No wonder the Theater Club always got their budgets approved! Mike: Nah, he used the word "seem". We're still in Ami's dream sequence. See, there's Captain Janeway armwrestling an Irishman. > He continued: > >"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I prepared for this very moment! Crow: By piling crucial resources in an unguarded location? > I >managed to get some weapons stockpiled myself so I can raise my >own little group and take back this town! Tom: Once again, it's the good psychos versus the evil psychos. > From here on end, you >are all part of the Lawndale Resistance Movement, or the Free >Lawndalers for short. Mike: The Resistance Movement of Lawndale? Crow: No, we're the Lawndale Resistance Movement! Tom: Or the People's Front of Judea! Mike: What about the People's Front of Lanwdale? Tom: Piss off! Crow: We're the Lawndale People's Front! > It is a shame that those who wish to >subvert everything this nation stands for bully and intimidate >the silent majority who stand by our democratic institutions. Crow: But enough about the Clintons. >These so-called right wing militias and taxpayers groups are >really wolves in sheep's' clothing. Tom: [DeMartino] No, wait, they're foxes in caribou's clothing! Or are they macaques in mullet's clothing? I can never remember. Mike: [kids] Yeah, yeah, mercenaries bad, "the people" good. We get it. Can we start shooting things now? > They claim they want to >restore 'constitutional government' but in reality want to >install a fascist dictatorship that would exterminate the poor, >the elderly, minorities and the disabled. Crow: And then... they'll kill all the puppies! Mike: I see that Mr. Goodwin will be paying a visit. Crow: Oh, please. Not even he's strong enough to stop this freight train of a story. Tom: [writing] ...and the disabled. Mike: Tom? Tom: Just writing something down for later use. > Is this what our >Founding Fathers wanted when they established our nation? Crow: Actually, Hamilton did say in Federalist Paper #34, "Hey! The first thing we should do when we take over the country is start a dictatorship, and kill off the poor, the old folks, and those blasted Conneticutters!" Tom: Well, that's because he's a Hamiltonian, and refused to take Gallatin's lead.... Mike: Let's not go there, L. Neil. > I tell >you loud and I tell you clearly: NO! If we just stand by while >the Anthony Corlews and the Timothy McVeighs and the Bob Schulzes Mike: [DeMartino, rambling] And the PURPLE horseshoes and the YELLOW stars and the RED balloons... >of this nation try to subvert the principles of equal rights and >equal justice, Crow: [DeMartino] ...then they'll shoot other PEOPLE and leave us ALONE! Um, wait, that's not right. > then we have truly lost the battle. Crow: [DeMartino] So let's go mow THEM down like POND SCUM! Mike: By now every kid has grabbed a box of hand grenades and an M60 and gotten the hell out of there. > These Neo-Nazis >must be stopped, for as the old Latin saying goes, 'Quis custodiet >ipsos custodes?'--'Who watches the watchmen?'" > Tom: This guy needs psychiatric testing... Like a Roarshach test. Mike: What a Comedian. Crow: Knock it off, you couple of Night Owls. >Mr. DeMartino paused and went up to Ami. > Mike: [DeMartino] So, DOLLFACE - what're you doing AFTER the counter- revolution? >"Young lady," he told her, "I sense that you seem to have >abilities far greater than any of us here. Crow: Since you're not wearing a bra and all. Tom: [Obi Wan] I sense a great disturbance in the breast- I mean, force! > We could use them in >our battle. Will you join us in repelling the Lawndale Militia >from here?" > >Ami was too groggy to say "No." > Crow: Is she too groggy to say "antidisestablishmentarianism"? >"All right, I will," she replied. > Mike: [makes balancing motion with his hands] Four syllables, one syllable. One, four. Yep, much easier to say four. >"Very well, then," Mr. DeMartino replied. "We will move out at >once and retake this town from the enemy!" Mike: Is it Lawndale or Calumet, Colorado? You make the call! Tom: Did Guerin just add "Red Dawn" to the crossover compost? Mike: Well... sorta. Not exactly. Hard to say. > Soon everyone >received weapons and began to move out. Crow: Oh, good. The teenagers are armed. I can't see any way they'd possibly regret this. > The battle to retake >Lawndale had begun. Crow: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only one we've got! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: And now, more "Matzah Ball Kreplach Wonton and Spaetzel"! >Beavis, Butt-Head and Quinn had arrived back at Highland. Crow: Highland! The Wisconsin of Texas! > The >two boys opened the door to their crumbling house and threw Quinn >like a sack of potatoes into a closet, which they promptly locked >up. > Tom: They're acting like a pair of *mashers*! HA! Crow: Quinn better keep an *eye* on them! Tom: Or she'll get *tuber*culosis! Mike: OK, guys. Enough. >Quinn could hear them through the keyhole: > Crow: [English] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm simply famished, Butt-head. Tom: [English] Oh, quite so, dear Beavis, quite so. Shall we repair to the kitchen for a brief meal? >"Yeah, we've got Diarrhea's sister now, Beavis!," shrieked Butt- >Head. > Tom: So, they've got incontinence? >"Yeah, cool!," replied Beavis, then went into his "HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH!" > Mike: [narrator] Yes, Beavis withdrew deep into his laugh-like mantra, in order to meditate on the day's alarming developments. >Butt-Head then said, "I'm going to score with her first!" > Crow: [Mrs. Cartman] Haven't you ever heard of a manage o' three? Tom: [Chef] Yeah, when two women are involved. >"No, dillweed!," said an angry Beavis; "I'm gonna score with her >first!" > >"No, I am!," roared Butt-Head. > Mike: Cue Pumaman-esque fight sequence. >Beavis yelled back, "No, I am!" > Tom: I suppose it's too much to hope for another plane crash. Crow: [Quinn] Boys, boys! You can *both* take me on a beach picnic! >"I'll kick you ass, Beavis!," butt-Head warned. > >"Go ahead and try, Butt-Head!," dared Beavis. > Tom: And so continues nature's fierce competition to "get some". Crow: Eh. It's still more dignified than "Change of Heart". Mike: Ah, the wit's fairly flowing now. Crow: And they say literature's a dying art form. >They began another fist fight. Quinn could hear it going on. >Somehow, uncalled, a memory flitted up to the surface of her >mind. Mike: [weird voice] Hi! I'm Spunky, the Plot-Specific Flashback? Hope I'm not late! > It was a couple of years ago, when she and Daria were >still living here. Crow: Before they had that same old fight about Quinn wanting children. > They were going down the street when Beavis >and Butt-Head approached. They began that sickening chant they >made when they saw Daria: > All: o/~ OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-cha-ka! OO-ga-OO-ga-OO-ga-cha- ka! o/~ >"DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA- >CHA-CHA!" > Tom: Oh my god, they're singing the newest Ricky Martin song! Mike: It's already at #3 on the charts. >"Uh, Diarrhea, is your sister available?," Butt-Head asked. > Tom: Yep! And how! >"No, she's not, you little perverts!," said Daria sternly. >"Leave us alone!" > Mike: [narrator] Daria knew "The Ins and Outs of Sexual Harassment Law"! After watching this film, you too will know what Daria knows! How to spot, stop, and sue over sexual harassment! >"But we want to score with her!," Beavis said. > Mike: So, how old is Quinn in this flashback? Crow: About twelve, I think. >They then made a grab for her, grabbing her by the legs (she was >back then wearing that stupid red miniskirt, the same one she >tried to seduce Kevin with) and her breasts. Crow: [official] Thank you, parenthetical aside, for distracting us from that five hundredth reference to breasts! > Daria then got real >mad, Tom: And gave them a stern lecture? > and kicked the both of them in the crotch. They were sent >howling. > Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS! Mike: Wrong howl. >Quinn ran screaming to her sister, crying and saying things like >"Thanks for saving me" and all that. > Tom: [Daria] Yeah, just don't get the impression I like you or anything. Mike: Generic platitudes were offered, resulting in nonspecific family bonding. >Somehow there were unconfirmed reports that later that day >Beavis and Butt-Head were setting off firecrackers and had thrown >an M-80 into a dirt pile. Crow: [Beavis] Take that, mound! Tom: Beavis and Butthead's hatred of the slalom reaches dangerous new heights! > It went off and apparently a kid in an >orange hooded parka--who apparently was with his classmates from >an elementary school in Colorado on a field trip-- Mike: So when did Highland become such a world famous city? > was blown to >pieces. Mike: [annoyed] Will there be any author left on the planet who can't go to court over this? Tom: Mm... Roger Corman, maybe? I mean it's not like he ever had an original idea to steal... > Somewhere in the distance, the rumors went, a kid in a >hunting hat was to have said: "Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! >Those bastards! " > Crow: [sobbing] Please tell me this isn't happening!!!! Mike: Buck up, private, it can't last much longer! Tom: You hope. Mike: Don't jinx it, Servo. >Somehow, to Quinn, this wasn't interesting right now. Crow: [sniffling] So at this point, Quinn's become an avatar for the reading audience. > She began >to cry uncontrollably. Tom: [Quinn, sobbing] Why can't I engage myself in this trite little anecdote?! Sure I'm about to be raped, but... > She was the most afraid in her entire >life. > Crow: Except for that time when Dogstar and Kenny G. were scheduled for a gig at her school. >"If only Daria was here, she'd save me from this mess!," she >sobbed. > Mike: Daria, or a locksmith! Either one! >If she only knew then just how her wish would be granted. . . Mike: I.e., not at all. Crow: And the Great Gazoo makes a surprise guest appearance. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at the Kuriles, Mike: In the somewhat less icky part of our story... > the repairs to the Neo-Zero were now >complete. Crow: [mechanic] Here's your problem, Miss! Someone stuck a lollipop in your gas tank. Tom: [Yerko] A lollipop? Who- *HELFFEN*! > A fresh batch of Neo-Sidewinders was loaded and ready >to go. Tom: They just had to load up on Neo-fuel, and the pilots had to go to the Neo-john, then they'd be Neo-ready. > Yoriko was ready to fly once again. But there was some >unfinished business to attend to first with Dr. Vander Helffen. > Tom: Oh, right, her anal probe. >"I'm warning you, Dr. Vander Helffen," Yoriko began, "if you >don't make a fresh batch of 'Hi no Tori' pills for me soon, there >will be Hell to pay!" > Crow: [Yoriko] And you better have the correct change! >"I will make more, I promise!," he reassured her. > >Yoriko replied, "You'd better or else--" > >She made a cutting motion across her throat. > Mike: Right, 'cuz we all know corpses make the most efficient pharmacists. >With that, she climbed back into the cockpit and taxied down the >runway. Son she was flying again. > Tom: [father] See her flying again son? Crow: [son] Dad, Yerko's boring! You said you'd buy me a hot dog! >Dr. Vander Helffen turned to two ninja spies and said, "Prepare >the Iron Cross armor for me. I have a feeling that I will need >it." Mike: [Helffen] Oh! Also a double martini. I'll *definitely* be needing that. Very soon. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Tokyo was in a state of siege. Tom: They've been enslaved by the hip sound of Latin Pop Diva Jennifer Lopez! > The air raid sirens were going >off again. > Crow: [Japanese] Curse you Jimmy Doolittle! >At SDF Headquarters, the Sailor Senshi were preparing for the >next round. Daria approached Brian Mackenzie. > Mike: [Daria] Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee! Crow: She's going right for the ear! Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of boxing. >"You wouldn't have a cousin named Michael Jordan Mackenzie back >at Lawndale, do you?," she asked him. > Tom: [Brian, sighing] Look, lady, none of us knew how deep he was in with the Crips. And I'm not his father, so I ain't liable! >"As a matter of fact, I do," replied Brian. > >"I know him," said Daria; "we're classmates at the high school." > Crow: Wow, the future has just one high school? Merger mania's gone too far this time. >"How is Mike doing these days?," Brian asked. > Mike: Well, I'm still stuck on the Satellite and I got this really nasty rash on my- Crow: Stop! >"OK, hopefully," was Daria's reply. > Mike: The doctor says skin grafts can handle most of the burns. >But there was bad news about to be delivered from an NHK >reporter: > Crow: [Anchor] Michael Mackenzie is dead. A nation mourns. >"This is just in from our international desk. Tom: [anchor] America is seeing double over Burger King's Double Value Days! Two flame-broiled Whoppers for just $2! > A double tragedy >has struck the American community of Lawndale. Tom: [reporter] Which no one's ever heard of, but it's a slow news day, so what the heck... The Fashion Club hadn't sold a single pastry during their bake sale and Lawndale lost the football game! Oh and some people died. > First, it seems >that the hijacked JAL flight from Tokyo to Berlin has crashed in >that town. Mike: [reporter] Sadly neither Beavis nor Butt-Head was injured in the crash. > Further, it is now confirmed that a right wing >militia group calling itself the Lawndale Militia had now taken >over the town. We don't have any casualty reports for either >disaster as of this time, Mike: This is why MTV isn't known for it's informative news broadcasts. Tom: [Announcer] Now for some more Kid Rock! > but NHK will keep on top of these >rapidly unfolding events as they develop!" > Mike: [Announcer] We now return you to "Touched By a Ronin", already in progress. Crow: Meanwhile, overseas... Tom: [American anchor] Militia takes over American city! We'll tell you which one, at 10:00! >All of the Sailor Senshi were in shock. Ami was on that flight, >and she may be seriously injured, perhaps even dead. > Mike: Or annoyed that her ears are clogged up! There was no telling! >Sailor Moon was the first to speak: > Tom: [Rei] Dibs on her stereo! Crow: [Moon] So, who wants to go to the mall? The new 'N'Synch CD is out... >"I know that this is a blow right now, and Ami's whereabouts are >unknown, but we must concentrate on the matters in hand here. Mike: Shoes and boys! > If >Ami is indeed killed, then let this battle be dedicated to her >memory. Tom: We hereby dedicate this butt-whuppin' to Ami. > We swear that we will avenge whatever has happened to >her on our own lives. Crow: [Senshi] Whoa! Hold the phone! Let's not go nuts, here! > Now, let's prepare for the next attack." > Tom: [Usagi] I know where there's a really *really* deep shelter! >Daria stood there in shock. Tom: With all the shocking going around, this fanfic will never get UL approval. > For the first time in her life, she >was genuinely worried for her family. Mike: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: What if the militia takeover disrupts ABC's "TGIF" programming schedule? How would they cope? > Her mother may be >domineering, her father a nebbish and her sister an airhead, but Mike: ...at least they didn't reduce complex characters to single-word stereotypes! >deep down inside, Mike: She loathed them all, as she does all people unlucky enough not to be her. > where most times she didn't want to admit it, Crow: She really liked Crystal Pepsi. >she really did care for them. Daria seemed to let a stray tear >fall from her face. Sailor Neptune noticed it. > Crow: [Neptune] DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY! DAR-I-A'S A BA-BY! >"Are you all right, Daria?," she asked her. > Mike: [Neptune] Do you want me to lick that tear off you? >Daria replied, "I'm fine, really." But right now she was >fighting an inner tempest of raging emotions Crow: Emotions are like a tempest raging inside of you. > like she had never >faced before. Tom: [Neptune] Look, Daria, I know it's tough, but it's not like you have any family there, right? I mean, like *anyone* would be *stupid* enough to live in *Lawndale*! No way! > And God only knew how all this would sort itself >out in the end. [Crow looks upward.] Crow: Yo, Pete. You payin' attention? Tom: Let's get outta here, guys. >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The Bridge appears to be empty. After a few moments, Crow and Mike cautiously poke their heads into view from the side of the bridge, and look around.] Crow: I think the coast is clear. Mike: I think you're right. [The pair steps fully into view.] Crow: Whew. No terrorists, no killer bunnies, no death-planes or Senshi chicks for once. Mike: Yep. Everything seems nice and quiet for a change. [Tom enters, wearing a camouflaged uniform and carrying a rifle.] Tom: Company! Double time! hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! [He stops and points his gun at Mike and Crow.] Tom: HALT! You two are under arrest! Mike: Well, that was nice while it lasted. Crow: What's up, Tom? Tom: I've decided that Corlew was absolutely correct and so I formed my own militia and now we've taken over this craft! Mike: Wow. I don't think we've ever been hijacked twice in one day before. Crow: Hey Tom? can you save us some time and just walk through the hologazebo door now? [Cambot pans over to the open doors of the hologazebo. Nothing can be heard beyond the doorway.] Mike: Is the deathtrap broken? [Crow walks over to the doors and peers through. He then shudders and walks back over to Mike.] Mike: What? Crow: 600 Dennis Franzes. All naked. [The trio all shudder.] Tom: Let's forget about that. Please. Mike & Crow: Agreed. Mike: Since you've taken over the ship, I guess we're due for a long-rambling political speech from you, right? Tom: Nope. Mike: Really? That's really good of you, Tom. Most terrorists would... Tom: Speeches are so passe, Mike. So, I've started my own webpage! Mike: Never mind. Tom: Yes, just head over to : www.demartino_you_ignorant_slut.com and you can read all about my philosophy. And I'll use the power of the internet to rule the world! BWHA-HA-HA!!!! Mike: Tom? I'm sure that your little site is really nice and all, but only a complete wacko is going to follow you. [Silence] Crow: Mike? It's the net. Mike: [pause] Good point. [Cambot pans back a bit to reveal a computer sitting on the console. Tom hovers over to it.] Tom: And now I'll just log on and direct my minions onto world conquest! I'll just check my e-mail first... Huh. Someone wants to advertise on my site. Well, even us world leaders need pocket money... [Cambot zooms in towards Mike and Crow.] Mike: Great. Tom's gone nuts. Crow: I blame the media. [The lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash.] Mike: Great. [Mike taps the light.] Let me guess Pearl, you're going to steal Tom's idea and take over the world, right? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [snort] Right. Mike, we tried that years ago. Who do you think came up with that Zima website? [Bridge] Crow: That was *you*? I thought that webpage looked familiar! Mike: What do you want? Tom: [O.S.] Why, sure! Hey, the more banners the better! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, since we're about halfway through the story. [Pearl begins to snicker then restrains herself and continues.] Sorry about that. Anyway, Brain Guy would like to run some tests on you to see how you're holding up. Observer: Hello, Michael. [Bridge] Mike: Hey Observer. Say, isn't this usually something that Bobo would do? Crow: He is a professor, after all. Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Keep them clicks a coming folks! [Castle Forrester] Observer: Well, yes. Normally, this would fall under Bobo's responsibilities, alas, we haven't quite been able to liberate him from the phone. [On cue, Bobo enters, chatting on the phone.] Bobo: [on phone] Really? The Julius Schwartz School of Kabuki? No, I didn't know that a day without Kabuki is like a day without Doris. That's really fascinating. Look, I have a luncheon... Yeah. Uh-huh. Right. That's great... [Bobo exits, still talking.] Observer: Shall we get started? [Bridge] Mike: Sure thing. [Castle Forrester] Observer: Have you experienced any of the following symptoms? Dizziness? Nausea? Loss of hair? Have any of your teeth fallen out? And by any chance has your head exploded? [Bridge] Mike: No. None of that, especially the last one. Crow: Mike, that performance of the National Anthem was pretty nauseating... Tom: [O.S.] Yes! Forty Million hits! I am the king! BWAH-HA-HA!!!!! [Castle Forrester] Observer: I see. And your liver hasn't tried to lead up into your throat in a desperate attempt to kill you before you're exposed to more of the story? [Bridge] Mike: Nope. [Castle Forrester] Observer: Very well then. If any of these symptoms do occur, please give me a call. Pearl: We won't do anything about it, but we'll enjoy hearing you suffer. Now get back in there, Nelson. [Bridge] Mike: Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? Crow: When do you not have a feeling of impending doom? Mike: Point taken. [Tom enters, sans fatigues.] Mike: Hey Tom. How goes taking over the world? Tom: Heh. That's a funny story. You see, my website really took off and I made a heck of a lot of money through my advertising. Then the militia guys decided that I was one of the oppressors and, well... Mike: They seized control of the website? Tom: Yeah. They've turned it into a "Analyze This" fansite. Crow: Really? I had no idea that the militia members were Billy Crystal fans... [The lights begin to flash.] Mike: I've got even worse news! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike and the pair of robots enter and sit.] Tom: Man, those terrorists just ruined my webpage. Crow: Yeah, those 4000 dancing Billy Cyrstals are Just a bit too much. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 9: The Neo-Zero Attacks! > All: *AGAIN!* >The Neo-Zero was beginning its next round of attacks. First, >Yoriko decided to destroy a couple of SDF/USAF bases in Chiba- >ken. Tom: Since they were easy kills and she needed the XPs for the next level up. > Yoriko approached the control tower and fired a Neo- >Sidewinder at it, destroying it. Crow: Killing the people inside, of course, but let's stay focused on the tower! > She then blew up some fuel >tanks, causing a devastating inferno to engulf the entire base. Mike: See, the flaw in begging an author to make something happen? Is ya get this here. >She did the same thing with several other bases along her way. Mike: Hmmm, should we call ahead and warn them she's coming? Naaah, let 'em be surprised! Crow: Kinda makes you wonder why some bozo with a jet hasn't taken over Japan already, huh? >She then set a course for Tokyo. > Tom: o/~ Set a course for adventure, your eye on a new ro-mance! o/~! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Tokyo was now a maddening sea of panicked citizens. Mike: Instead of its usual maddening sea of mellow citizens. Tom: Life's just a pointless series of explosions and people running around in a panic. That's what I'm learning from this story. > Everyone was >running like the King of the Monsters himself, Gojira, was >running amok in their community again. > Mike: But the community covenant specifically prohibits Gojira! Crow: Curse that paper tiger of a homeowner's association! >The Mobile Unit of the National Police, Crow: What, the rest of 'em are nailed to their chairs or something? > the famed riot control >unit, was desperately trying to keep some sense of order, but to >no avail. Mike: They just couldn't accept the Titans losing the Superbowl. > The body-length shields were beginning to buckle from >the strain of all the humanity pressed against them. Tom: They should've used the shields with the wings. They're stronger and they absorb more blue liquid. > Even the >TMPD was having difficulties in keeping matters under control. Crow: And if the Teenage Mutant Pokemon Dingoes can't help, no one can! >Everywhere, the screams of those who sensed that they were to be >condemned were filling the air: > >"We're all going to die!" > Tom: Nearby, Ford Prefect resisted the urge to throttle someone for saying *that* again. >"It's Doomsday!" > Mike: Nope. He's still walking towards Metropolis saying "Thoom". >"Merciful Buddha, spare us!" > Tom: I regret nothing! >"No! I'm too young to die!" > Crow: I'm too old to die! Mike: I'm too Wisconsin-y to die! Tom: I'm too wonderful to die! >"The end of the world is near!" > Mike: Buy bonds where you shop or bank! Crow: Last chance oxygen for 23,000,000 Miles. Tom: You know, I kinda wish Michael Stipe were in that crowd, and that he didn't feel fine? It would serve him right! >"Prepare to meet your doom!" > Crow: Kiss me, I'm Irish! >"Is there no God to save us?" > Crow: Suddenly, the sounds of Queen fills the air. Tom: o/~ Flash! Ah-ah! Doer of the impossible! o/~ Mike: We are saved! For the hero Flash Gordon will surely save us from this dire threat that is threatening us direly! >Suddenly, the Sailor Senshi appeared. Sailor Moon stood in front >of the rest. > >"Citizens of Tokyo, I implore you to stay calm!," she shouted. Crow: [Moon] There are plenty of tickets available for the Cheap Trick concert! Please form two orderly lines, and we'll open the ticket booths momentarily. >"Giving in to panic will only mean that the enemy will win over >you with their fear! Please, calm down!" > Tom: [man in crowd] Yes! We must do as the Power Puff Girls say! Mike: [Usagi] Um... we're the Sailor Scouts, actually. Tom: [man] The Sailor Scouts? AAAAAAUGH! Crow: RUN AWAY! Tom: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE HUMAN SHIELDS! >However, it was of no use. Soon the crow began to overwhelm the >Sailor Senshi right where they stood. Crow: Hey, I wasn't even there! Mike: Uh-huh. Sure. Crow: I swear! Tom: C'mon, Crow, we've all seen your "I Overwhelmed the Sailor Senshi and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt! Crow: A coincidence! Really! > Daria was knocked over and >would have been trampled Tom: Which would have resulted a very special episode of "WKRP in Yokohama" > if it hadn't been for the quick thinking >of Sailor Uranus, who pulled her out. > Crow: Oh, so she was pulled out of Ur- Mike: Finish that line and you'll never see another Anna Kournikova site as long as you live. >"Are you all right?," Sailor Uranus asked. > >"More or less," Daria answered. "It's kind of like those mosh >pits we have back home." > Crow: I miss mosh. The sight of young people beatin' the crap out of each other and callin' it fun... made me proud to be old! >In the melee, the Mobile Unit and the TMPD were themselves >overwhelmed. Tom: [police] Roses? You shouldn't have! > Later on, it was reported that there were several >officers on both forces who were crushed to death. Tom: [KITH] I'm crushing your head! > Chaos had >clearly begun to assert itself on Tokyo. Mike: Sanctions against Chaos proved ineffective, and NATO prepared for another round of bombing. Tom: So. I take it chaos is the theme Peter is developing here. But perhaps we need another twenty "data" to establish the fact! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, "Mosh Pit Big Country Lollapalooza!" >Shortly after the panic had begun, the Neo-Zero arrived. All: YERKO! > Yoriko >started the terror right away by firing a Neo-Sidewinder Tom: o/~ Every time I see you I want to do it, girl... o/~ > right at >the famed Tokyo Tower, Crow: Hey! The monster *has* reached the foot of Tokyo Tower! > blowing it up to scrap metal. She then >set her sights on the Diet Building. Tom: Take that, Jenny Craig! > She fired missiles at the >chambers of both the House of Representatives and the House of >Councillors, Crow: Both of which, ironically, just voted to cut the defense budget. > and a third at the middle of the building. Mike: She fired at a mailbox, and The Sunglass Hut. She was running out of rational targets. >Horrendous damage was wreaked on the building. Tom: That being what missiles do. > For good measure, >she fired two missiles at the Tokyo Dome, blowing up the roof and >damaging a good portion of the stadium. Mike: And Tom Selleck's plans to film "Mr. Baseball II" are tragically derailed. Tom: Good. > Yoriko smiled to herself >in a sinister way. > Tom: Not sold out anymore, are ya? BWAHAHAHA! >"Soon, Tokyo will fall to the iron rule of the NIRAA!," she >yelled. > Crow: I just can't take seriously a fascist organization bent on world domination that can't be bothered to form a good acronym. >Suddenly, she noticed something on her radar. All: RADAR!!!! > There were five >blips on the screen; Tom: She forgot to cover her face when she sneezed. > the IFF device Tom: She has an Amiga on her ship? > indicated that they were five >Grumman F-14A Tomcats; they had obviously been launched from a >U.S. Navy aircraft carrier. Mike: Finally, the fanfic allows somebody to retaliate! > Yoriko flew in the direction of the >squadron closing in on her. When she got to visual range, she >could see from the tail markings that they were with the famed >Fighting 143rd Squadron, alias the Pukin' Dogs. Crow: I, for one, can sleep a whole lot easier knowing that if danger rears its head, a bunch of guys that call themselves "The Puking Dogs" are on the job. Tom: Oh! And look! Behind them is the 39th, a.k.a. "Some Ginger Ale With The Bubbles Stirred Out". > She could hear >the talk on the radio as the fighters approached: > Mike: She just couldn't turn off Rush Limbaugh. Tom: Megadittos! Mike: [Rush] Well, some kook's shooting up Tokyo as we speak, but first, it's our Hilary update. Dudaluh-dudaluh-dudalu-dudaluh! >"Tango to Victor! Mike: Thar she blows! Wait. Sorry. Wrong script. > We've got our bandit on visual now," said one >of the pilots. > Crow: [Pilots] And Johnny and Hadji are right behind him! >The squadron leader, Victor, responded with, "All units prepare >to lock on target and fire on my mark!" > Crow: Well, wouldn't it be easier to go see a qualified dermatologist instead, over? >It looked like they were going to use the 20-mm Vulcan cannons on >her since they were so close. Mike: That would only be logical. Tom: Infinite Diversity through Infinite Whoopass! > Yoriko made a power dive as the >bullets began to fire away. > Mike: Those bullets have lousy aim. Tom: I went to the Danger Zone, and all I got was this lousy battle sequence. >"Dammit, she's too fast for us, Victor!," shouted another pilot. > >"Angel up to 15 and prepare to fire Sidewinders," said the >squadron leader. > Mike: And the Snake Unemployment Rate skyrockets! Tom: Since when did guardian angels become standard military issue? Crow: [sighing] You know, these guys better come through, because the next squadron's the one led by Dick Dastardly and Muttley. >Yoriko saw them turn tail and prepare to fire their Sidewinder >missiles at 15,000 feet. Yoriko used the HUD to target the five >Tomcats, then programmed five Neo-Sidewinders at them. Tom: Ah, Pete got bored. Mike: Yeah, the battle's over now. Pretty much. > She >calmly pressed the fire button and saw each of the missiles take >out their targets. They didn't know what hit them. > Crow: But they had a pretty good guess it was a missile. >Yoriko sneered and flew back to the heart of the city. Mike: Her lips are gonna freeze like that someday. Tom: Like Elvis? Cool. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >It was only on the most important occasions that a governor of a >prefecture like Tokyo-to ever got to go into the Imperial Palace. Crow: And when he was, his "Electric Sparkle Tuxedo" assured no repeat invitations. >Generally, the palace was only open to the public on two days in >the year: the Emperor's Birthday and New Year's Day. Tom: And also for the "Buffy" season premiere. > However, >Gov. Nagai was not making a social call to Emperor Akihito. The >very life of the nation was at stake. All: Again? > He was now in an >underground bunker beneath the Imperial Palace, speaking to both >the Emperor and Empress Michiko; for good measure, the Solar >Warrior was there as well. Crow: If there's no superhero present, then nothing important is happening. > Gov. Nagai began to speak: > Crow: [Nagai] I hereby call this meeting of the Rotary Club to order. >"Your Imperial Majesties, Tokyo hasn't suffered as much damage >like this since the end of the war. The terrorist who has this >aircraft can virtually wipe out this entire city with full >impunity! Mike: If only we had some way to stop a plane! Tom: Doesn't Japan have a military? Crow: Judging from the earlier sequences, they'd just fly around and watch the Death Plane blow up stuff. > The citizens of our nation are now turning their eyes >to you Mike: Especially since Joltin' Joe has left and gone away. > for guidance in this grave matter. Crow: Is it best to surrender on our knees, or should we crawl on our stomachs? > We need some >assurances that this evil will pass." > Mike: [Nagai] Because frankly, evil's running game is lousy! >The Solar Warrior added: "Gov. Nagai is right. All: Ravis! > The people are >looking to both Your Imperial Majesties in this terrible time. >Speak to the people. Tell them what they need to hear." > Mike: That olestra is the work of the devil? >The Emperor arose and began to speak: > Mike: [Emperor through megaphone] It's okay. Everything will be fine. Remain where you are, and all will be well. [aside] I think they're buying it! Crap, is this mike still on? >"Somehow, I wish that I could have avoided having to face a >crisis like this. Tom: In fact, I think I will. I'm outta here! > I have seen the reports myself and I have to >confess that I fear for our nation. Do we want to return to the >chaos that the regime that had once controlled this nation >brought on all of us and the world?" > Mike: [emperor] Show of hands? One, two, three- OK, about half. Fine. >"It was in this very room that the war council met presided over >by my father, the Showa Emperor. Tom: Showa Emperor: Ruler of Bath. [pause] With the shower... and the bath... and the... forget it. > The vote was tied on what >course of action was to be taken. It was up to him. Mike: So he chose the pepperoni and mushroom deep dish. > He knew >that we had foolishly let the militarists control every aspect of >our society, that they led us to this calamity. Tom: They had allowed the sake and rice paper market to tumble precipitously. > He had to do >what was right. Crow: He confessed to chopping down the cherry tree. > He voted to end the war. He went on the radio >and announced to this nation that we had to bear the unbearable. Crow: Still, it's better than thinking the unthinkable. Tom: Or speaking the unspeakable. Mike: Or eating the inedible. >If this group seizes our nation, and begins to carry out its >agenda, how many more bombs will fall? Tom: [emperor] Hello? I'm asking a question, dammit! Tell me! > Must we suffer the >nuclear terror of the Americans, the Russians, and the Chinese >this time around? Mike: Sure we could foreclose on their countries, but then we'd have to pay their back taxes! And nobody wants that. > We must not let those who led us to ruin >destroy half a century of progress, of good relations with the >world." > Tom: [emperor] Unless, you know, you guys were thinkin' different. I don't know. Did that make sense? Any of it? [Crow turns to Mike] Crow: This is just one plane they're talking about, right? Mike: [laughs] I'm pretty sure it's just the one. >He motioned to a nearby servant, who bowed deeply. > >"Inform NHK that I will deliver an address shortly." > Mike: [Emperor] It's the location of the new Wendy's downtown. >The servant bowed deeply again and left to make a phone call. > Crow: Like, I gotta tell Marci about this! She'll like totally freak! >Gov. Nagai said, "You are doing the right thing, Your Majesty." Crow: [emperor] Uh-huh. Is your nose cold, Nagai? You didn't have to stick it that far up. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >About fifteen minutes later, this was heard on NHK: > Mike: [announcer] It's time to play the "Million-Dollar Birthday" contest here on NHK - Star 103! >"We interrupt our continuing coverage of the Neo-Zero crisis to >bring you this message from the Emperor. Ladies and Gentlemen, >presenting His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor." > Mike: "Having a great time. Wish you weren't Japan." >There was a picture of the Emperor and the Empress in the bunker. Crow: A picture? Hey, look, it's a postcard from the edge. Tom: Wow! I didn't know Eva Braun was Chinese. Weird. >The Emperor stood up and began to speak: > Crow: [Emperor] My fellow.....Japanese? Erm, wait, let me start over. >"Citizens of Japan: We are now facing the greatest crisis in >over fifty years. Mike: Wal-Mart wants to build a store around the whole damned country! > There are those out there who wish to restore >militaristic control and regimentation in our society. These >extremists think that the old ways were the best ways. Tom: [emperor] The old ways were good ways if you looked at them sideways. Crow: o/~ These Happy Ways are yours and mine! Happy Ways! o/~ > Those >ways were not the best ways. Tom: They were the, um, unbest ways. > They brought immeasurable suffering >and pain on countless millions in Asia and the world. The >primary weapon of these extremists is fear and terror. Crow: [Python] TWO! The two primary weapons are fear, terror and an almost fanatical devotion to - THREE! The THREE primary weapons! > However, >they can be beat back if we do not submit to our worst fears. If >we stay calm and not panic, we will have won half the battle. Tom: [Emperor] Then me and the wife will just hole up here in the bomb proof bunker until you guys win the other half. Crow: Knowing, incidentally, is the other half. >Therefore, I implore this nation to stay clam and to display in >the face of the enemy the calmness and civility that have marked >our nation and our way of life from time immemorial. Tom: And in the immortal words of Roland Warner, No Panicking Allowed. > We must not >let fear conquer us. Crow: That's NIRRA's job. Mike: NIRAA, Crow. Tom: There's a difference? Mike: I think NIRRA lobbies against restrictions on strip mining. > We must not let the enemy defeat us. >Together, as a united front, we will show these extremists that >we will not submit to their reign of fear. Tom: Meanwhile, back at home, the average Japanese viewer is flipping around between channels, looking to see if "X-Files" is on. > Thank you for your >attention." > Crow: [Falsetto] What was all that dear? Mike: [Basso] Ah, who knows? I was asleep. >The announcer then said: "Please stay tuned to NHK for more >developments in this crisis." Tom: [announcer] We know return to our afternoon movie, "Three Men and a Little Samurai". Mike: A town blows up! Is it yours? Find out, tonight! On NHK! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Once again, "Miss Chimney Paintball Biscuit and Doodle"! >A good part of Tokyo was now in flames. Crow: And that's just the good part. Tom: Yeah, the bad part's been ground to dust, mixed into a paste and used as a poultice for Mecha-Kong's hives. > Fire, it seemed, was >everywhere. Mike: Was it in the water? Was it in the clouds? Was it in a lover's first kiss or the gentle murmur of the rain? > Sailor Moon had transformed into her Eternal Mode Mike: Much like the story at this point. >and was flying above to survey the damage. Tom: [Usagi, coughing] Maybe I should avoid the smoke... Still, I think the fire actually improved things a little. > Everywhere, it >seemed, there was damage. Crow: Repetition, it seemed, was everywhere. Tom: Everywhere, it seemed, there was repetition. > She was now over Azabu-ku, her own >neighborhood, and set down where her house was. Thankfully, so >far it was undamaged. Crow: So I guess not everything was damaged. Tom: Apparently. > She ran in. > >"Mom! Dad! Shingo!," she shouted. > Tom: S-4, H-17, I-40, N-53, G-71, O-80! That's one good Shingo! Anyone else? >Soon she could hear footsteps from the basement. Soon, Kenji, >Ikuko and Shingo emerged. > Mike: You know, if they see their shadows, we get six more weeks of fanfic. Crow: [upset] What?! No! Mike: [chuckling] I'm kidding. It's a joke. Crow: Oh. I knew that. [grumbling] Ya big dumb slab of salt pork... >"Mom! Dad! Look! It's Eternal Sailor Moon!," Shingo said. > Tom: [Shingo] Betcha can't hit her with a rock! Crow: [dad] Oh really? >Right now, Sailor Moon was not going to be coy about her real >identity; she was too concerned. > Crow: Well, why start worrying at *this* late date?!? She should just make up a business card she can give people when she wants to tell them her secret identity. Tom: Maybe everyone in this story spent 15 XP to buy off their secret identity Disadvantage. >"Mom, Dad, Shingo, it's actually me, Usagi," she calmly >announced. > >"No way! You can't be!," Kenji said in shock. > Tom: [Kenji] 'Cause Usagi's got blond hair and blue eyes and wears skimpy dresses and you...*ohhhhh*... >Sailor Moon waved a hand over her transforming brooch and >reverted to her identity of Usagi. Tom: I.e., she changed clothes. Mike: Yeah, at least Clark Kent had reading glasses. > Everyone was speechless for a >couple of minutes. > Crow: [mom] So... you can save strangers from alien invasion, but you can't stop eating your fingernails? Tom: [Usagi] Mooooom! >"Usagi, is that really you?," Ikuko started to say, stunned. > Crow: [Usagi] Nope. HAH! I really had you going for a sec, there! >"Yes, it's me," she confirmed; Mike: I've brought two forms of ID and my birth certificate. > "I guess you should know the truth >now. For the past six years, I have been fighting evil as Sailor >Moon. Mike: [Usagi] Well, I did take a couple of months off last year to pose for cheesecake posters, but other than that... > Luna told me that I was the reincarnation of a princess >who lived on the Moon over one thousand years ago and that it >was my destiny to lead humanity to an era of peace in the future. Tom: [Ikuko] Yes, dear, the cat told you were a moon princess. Just lie down for a second while I call the doctor. >My friends work alongside me as the Sailor Senshi, and Mamoru is >Tuxedo Mask; they also were from the Moon Kingdom, except Mamoru, Crow: Who's from the Gambino family. >who was known then as Endymion and was from Earth.. In the >future, Chiba-Usa will be mine and Mamoru's daughter. Tom: [Kenji] Mamoru got you *pregnant*?! Mike: [Usagi] No daddy! He *will* get me pregnant. I mean - Daddy, put the gun down! > Right now >I have to stop this madwoman from destroying Tokyo and forcing >our government to give in to her terrorist organization. Crow: [Ikuko] Not until you clean your room, young Sailor lady! Tom: [Usagi] Moooom! > Ami was >one of us as well; she was Sailor Mercury. But when she left for >Germany she transferred those powers to Daria. Tom: Previously on The Major Shameless Neo-Geo Dribble Banana Donut. Mike: Is it still exposition if it was part of the story already? > Now I don't even >know if Ami is still alive or not. Crow: [Usagi] She's in a box, and some weird scientist guy is standing by it babbling about uncertainty! He's creeping us out! > I'm fighting for all of our >futures here. Crow: [mom] No darling. You're *talking* about fighting for our future. Meanwhile the plane just leveled Nagano. > Please, if you love me, you'll leave here and get >to a place of safety." > Tom: Get in your Suzuki Samurai and drive away as fast as you can! >Already the tears were beginning to run down her face; Usagi was >genuinely worried for her family's safety. Crow: Or she'd been cutting onions. Mike: Oh, suck it up! It's just an apocalyptic death plane. It's not like they're in downtown Miami or anything. > She then heard >footsteps behind her, and saw that the rest of the Sailor Senshi >were right behind her. > Crow: Quickly hiding chains and tire irons behinds their backs. >Tuxedo Mask was the first to speak: > Tom: [Mamoru] What, a dump! >"Sailor Moon, is everyone here in the Tsukino household safe?" > Crow: [Mamoru] Because if they are, I can fix that. >"Yes, they are, Mamo-chan," said Usagi. > >Everyone was in a state of shock. > Mike: [Senshi] You spoke a sentence that lasted less than five minutes! >"It's all right, we know everything now," Kenji said. "You know, >I have to admit that I still had lingering doubts about you >until now, Mamoru. Tom: [Kenji] You read all those men's health magazines, and you're always singing showtunes.... > I thought that you were too old for my >daughter and was making her a juvenile delinquent. Crow: Now it turns out you're also porkin' her. > Now I know >the gravity of the situation. How can you forgive this foolish >man?" > Tom: [Mamoru] Give me your back copies of "Martha Stewart Living" and tell me where Ikuko gets that fantastic high-gloss lipstick! >Mamoru extended a hand and said, "There is nothing to apologize >for; you just didn't know. And I would be honored to call you as >a friend." > Mike: [Mamoru] By the way, I don't know if I mentioned, but I'm moving next week and I was wondering... >With that they shook hands. > Tom: Should they have their fingers crossed when they do that? >"Now that we like you and all that," Ikuko said, "how can you >help us?" > Crow: No beatin' around the bush with Ikuko here. Tom: [Ikuko] So you love my daughter! Big deal! Love doesn't ground the death plane, buster! >Mamoru replied, "You know that resort you went to six years ago, >the one that had the water spirit that I had summoned when I was >brainwashed to do Queen Beryl's bidding?" > Mike: [Shinjo] Hm... nope. Seems I'd remember something like that. Crow: [Mamoru] Big climactic showdown between good and evil? Mike: [shakes head] Not ringin' any bells. Crow: It had that ice cream parlor? Mike: Oh right! They had waffle cone sundaes with the homemade fudge sauce and crushed Butterfinger pieces! That was awesome! >"I don't know anything about you summoning spirits, but I do know >that some strange happenings were going on there," was Kenji's >reply. > Crow: So let's all pile into the Mystery Machine and go investigate! >"Go there," Mamoru said. "You will be safe." > Crow: Relatively speaking. >"We will take your advice," Kenji said. Shortly, the Tsukinos >had packed the bare necessities and took off in their car. > Tom: Blessed as they were by Mamoru's friendship, the Tsukinos were untroubled by the massive traffic jams as millions of others tried to flee the city. >"It is better for them until things are resolved," Usagi said. > Tom: [Japanese] Yes! Leaving a burning city of rubble is hard, but sometimes necessary for survival! >"Now, we've got unfinished business to deal with," Mamoru said. > Crow: [Mamoru] I see on the agenda, Sailor Mars has a presentation on how Just-In-Time storeroom procedures can reduce our overhead 50%. Then we'll get an update on how the Stop-the-Death-Plane subcommittee's doing! >Suddenly, someone somewhat familiar appeared. Crow: Wow, Donald Pleasance! > Usagi swore she >was seeing double. Mike: No! Not the Olsen twins! Tom: [whimpering] I can't take another crossover. > But there he was all the same: a man dressed >like an Arab, with a scimitar at his side. Crow: It's the Arabian Knight! Tom: Look! There's Red Wolf! And the Texas Twister! Mike: And Team USA! And Razorback! Crow: Wow! All of Marvel's worst characters on parade! > Undoubtedly it was >the Moonlight Knight. > Crow: Batman's cousin from San Francisco, right? Mike: No, the moon *lit* knight. Remember to conjugate. >"Mamoru, you can't be at two places at once," Usagi said. > Tom: [Usagi] Especially when you're not anywhere at all. >"Sailor Moon, surely you know me, the Moonlight Knight?," he >began to speak. > Crow: Bruce Willis in a very special role, ladies and gentlemen. >Daria turned to Meiou and asked, "What's this all about? You >mean that Mamoru has two secret identities?" > Crow: So that's two compared to however many Sailor Moon has. Mike: Plus, he's also Green Lantern, Captain America, the Fly, Racer X, the Pumaman and, surprisingly, She-Hulk. >Meiou said, "It's kind of a complicated story." > Tom: Yet another succinct summation of this fanfic. Crow: Well, throw it on the pile, then - this is the spot for them. >The Moonlight Knight then stopped and removed the veil from his >face. Crow: [shocked] Merv Griffin?! But why? > Usagi stood there in shock.. It was none other than >Furuhata Motoki, the owner of the Crown Game Center that Usagi >still hung out at after school. > Mike: Wow! So he's the one who's been haunting the old amusement park! Crow: Of course! That explains everything. [to Mike] Kill me now. >"Mamoru, can you explain what's going on here?," Usagi demanded. > >"I will," Motoki started. [All groan] Mike: Why not? We haven't any exposition for at least a paragraph! Tom: Great! Just what we needed - more flippin' backstory! Crow: Pearl should've just sent War and Peace - we'd have been done a heckuva lot sooner! > "It was shortly after the Sailor >Galaxia incident. Tom: Oh yeah, Galaxia. I- > Mamoru had that close call with that >disappearance while he was flying to America. Tom: America? But- Mike: This would be the "bubble wrap" portion of our story. Crow: It contains no actual content, but absorbs our abuse, so we have no energy left to hurt the plot. > After the incident >was resolved, he approached me and told me all about you and the >others, Usagi. Tom: Right. But what about- > He then gave me the costume of the Moonlight >Knight and trained me in some basic fighting skills. Crow: Mainly scampering away and whimpering like a baby. > If Mamoru >was to disappear again or if the Sailor Senshi needed some more >muscle, I was going to be the ace in the hole. Tom: Sure, but- Crow: Oh, so he's their spare cannon fodder? > And I guess that >right now you're going to need all the help you can get." > Mike: We've been saying that since page one... >As to confirm that remark, the Neo-Zero streaked out of the sky >again, and straight for the Sailor Senshi! Mike: The "Dramatic entrance" device on the Neo-Zero seems to be working quite well. > The Deathgrip cannon >was roaring at full blast. Everyone scattered. > All: RUNAWAY! >"OK, sister, you asked for it!," Usagi said. "ETERNAL MOON STAR >POWER, MAKE-UP!" > [A huge powder puff swings down and smacks Mike in the face] Mike: *coughcough* GUYS!!!! Crow: [giggling] When you least expect it, Mikey. >She transformed to Eternal Sailor Moon and began to fly right >toward the Neo-Zero. > Mike: Here we have a case of the irresistible force and the highly movable object. >Yoriko just sneered and started to play another CD in her player. Crow: And here we see how a skillful author replaces the audience's imagination with a reference to a song no one's heard of. >This time it was "Black Monk Time" from The Monks. Mike: o/~ Dies irae dies illa; solvae saeclum in favilla... o/~ > She was >listening to the opening track "Monk Time" and was hearing Gary >Burger's frantic voice: > Mike: [Gary] I just want to apologize to Mike's mom and Josh's mom and my mom and I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive and very stupid and I shouldn't have put other people in danger for something that was all about me and my selfish motives. >"Alright, my name is Gary. All: Hi, Gary! > Let's go. [Crow stands and begins to exit.] Mike: Crow, sit down. Crow: What? Gary says I can go. Mike: He's talking to somebody else trapped in a theater. > It's Beat time, it's Hop >time, it's Monk time. Mike: It's Hammer time! Crow: It's time for Timer! Tom: It's 3:00 AM Eternal! > You know, we don't like the army! Crow: You don't say! Mike: But we're just crazy about...the Navy! Bots: o/~ In the Navy! o/~ > What >army? Who cares what army! Mike: Well then why'd you ask? > Why do you kill all those kids over >there in Vietnam? Mike: Because if left unchecked, their population would explode. It's all part of nature's wondrous plan! > Mad Viet Cong! My brother died in Vietnam. Crow: Well, okay. He had a heart attack while watching "Casualties of War" but it still counts!! >James Bond, who is he? Tom: Woody Allen, in one film. > (frantic electric banjo riff from Dave >Day) Crow: Mike? Were electric banjos in wide use back on earth? Mike: Only for a short time, between the atomic accordion and the coal-powered kazoo era. > Stop it, stop it, I don't like it! Tom: Yes, at this point, even the soundtrack is demanding an end to all this! > It's too loud for my >ears. Pussy Galore is coming down and we like it. Crow: Not going to say a thing. Nope. > We don't like >the atomic bomb. . . Mike: We used to! But then it got drunk at my wedding and said the most despicable things about Gary! > (shrieking organ riff from Larry Clark) Mike: Hey buddy, we're the only ones shriekin' and riffin' 'round here. > Stop >it, stop it! I don't like it! Stop it! Crow: Well! Someone's certainly being a little grouch-a-saurus today! > What's your meaning, >Larry? Tom: And what's the frequency, Kenneth? > (another organ interlude from Larry) Crow: [Larry] I wish my brother George was here... > Ah, you think like I >think. Mike: But do you feel like I feel? Crow: Can you hear what I hear? > You're a Monk, I'm a Monk, Crow: Wouldn't you like to be a Monk too? > we're all Monks. . . Mike: We're all monks now, in the dope show! > Dave, >Larry, Eddie, Roger, everybody, let's go. . . [Crow rises and heads for the exit.] Crow: Ah! "Let's go." Couldn't've put it better myself. Mike: Sit down! Geez. Do you have a date or something? > it's Beat time, it's >Hop time--IT'S MONK TIME NOW! YEAH! ALRIGHT!" > Tom: This pointless interlude brought to you by the Monk Council. >Sailor Moon was flying as fast as she could. Tom: She was trying to break the elusive "musical interlude" barrier. > She grabbed her old >Moon Scepter and pointed it at the cockpit. > >"You will not destroy our future, you spawn of Hell!," Crow: [Yerko] But Chris Carter told me to *fight* the future! Now I'm confused. > Sailor >Moon shrieked as she prepared to fire off her Moon Princess >Halation beam. > Mike: And a quick memo about punishing hellspawn delinquents! >Yoriko was hearing Larry Clark's frantic organ playing, then the >chorus of "It's Hop Time! It's Monk Time!" > Crow: But is there time enough for love? >"Blow it out your ass!," was all she said as she squeezed the >trigger of the Deathgrip cannon. > Tom: So apparently the answer, my friend, *is* blow it out your ass! Mike: Apparently, it was hammer time. >Sailor Moon began to say "MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" when suddenly >hot lead tore through her like jagged needles. Tom: Through butter. Mike: See, *this* is why it's important to get a lot of fiber! Crow: [Usagi] Ugh! Gosh, usually our attack plan of standing out in the open and taunting the villain works a lot better than that! > Sailor Moon fell >helplessly from the sky and landed on the ground with a >terrifying "THUD!" Tom: Oh dear. Dave Winfield hit her with a baseball. Mike: Such a shame. > The rest of the Sailor Senshi ran to her, >Daria being the first to get to her. > Mike: [Daria] Dibs on the tiara! >"Usagi! Speak to me!," Daria yelled at her, shaking her; Tom: Hey, Mike, you know what the best part about being an anime character is? Mike: No, Tom, what? Tom: They're spineless! Hee-hee! [pauses] Because she didn't break any bones, see... Mike: I get it, Tom. > "Are >you all right?" > Crow: Iyai wiyill beeyee oyunce yououou stoyahp shayayayking meyeyeye! >Sailor Jupiter kneeled down besides her. She gave a quick check >of her vital signs. > Crow: [Jupiter] Well, her makeup's okay. Brain activity is nil. Nothing unusual there... >"She'd bleeding badly," she said. "I don't think there's even a >pulse. Mike: [Jupiter] Forget it, she's as dead as Shelley Long's career. Tom: Bury her next to Rei's grampa. > We have to get the Sailor Star Lights. Crow: [weakly chuckling] We can take the Star Lights Express! Heh. Tom: Only half the fat and a quarter of the taste! > Only Sailor Star >Healer can save her now." > >Daria became very mad. Crow: She, too, missed "Sifl and Olly". All: ROCK! > She raised her head to the sky and >screamed, "NOW YOU'VE MADE IT PERSONAL, YOU BITCH!" Crow: Well, come on. She's just doin' her job. Tom: And it's not like Moongirl made a huge effort to duck. > She ran off >in the direction of the Neo-Zero. > Mike: Actually, flying off would have made more sense, since she's chasing a plane. >"Daria! Come back here!," Luna ordered sharply. "Sailor Senshi >don't drop everything to carry out personal vendettas!" > Tom: [Luna] We wait and conduct them as a group! >"Let her go, Luna!," Rei said. "Since Ami's not here, I'm now in >charge. Crow: The Al Haig of the Orient springs into action! > Let Daria blow some steam. Mike: [Rei] And if she gets killed, it's no big loss. MTV can use that time slot for more TRL. > She'll be back." > >Mamoru, in the meantime, reached for his cellular phone and >called the Sailor Star Lights. Crow: Leave it to Japan to take all the homespun charm out of witch doctoring! > This was the only chance Usagi >had now to survive. > Mike: He may as well schedule the removal of his brain polyps while he's at it, what with the cell phone and all. >Daria, meanwhile was still running when suddenly, something >smacked up against her head with a loud "CRACK!" She fell down, >helpless. > Crow: This kinda makes the whole idea of her taking on a jet rather silly, doesn't it? Tom: You know, it's possible the Senshi should pay more attention to the "Get The Hell Out Of The Way" portion of their training. >"Stay right where you are!," said an iron voice behind her. Tom: Tommy Lee Jones!? >"Don't make another move!" > >Daria suddenly found herself surrounded by NIRAA ninja soldiers. All: Surprise! o/~ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... o/~ >She held her hands up in surrender. Mike: Yeah. She'll do *just great* as a super-hero! Crow: She never even got say "UP YOURS!" to them! Tom: I feel cheated. > They took her away to a >secret location near the Sumito Heavy Industries headquarters. >Dr. Vander Helffen would be awaiting for them there. > Tom: And that's where he'll turn her into a woodchuck. >"Great! Now I've been captured," she thought to herself; "Wait >until I send my next postcard. It'll say: 'Dear Mom, Dad, and >Quinn: All: *HEEEEEEELP!* > I'm now a POW being held by an extremist group. Tom: The ACLU's taken hostages? > Please >make sure to inform the Red Cross so they can send those POW >packages. Love, Daria.' Crow: PS: Don't tell Colonel Klink about the tunnels. > What a trip this had been!" Crow: She meekly surrenders to the bad guys! o/~ La-la-LA-lala! o/~ Mike: What a long, strange trip it's been. Tom: What a long, strange, confusing, nausea-inducing, wretched trip it's been! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Tom: New! From the makers of "Misguided Busybody Near-miss Kabuki"! >Back at Lawndale, The Free Lawndalers had made it as far as the >local YMCA and decided to stay there for the night. Mr. >DeMartino was checking his AK-47 when Helen Morgendorffer ran >screaming to him: > >"I CAN'T FIND HER! I CAN'T FIND HER!" > Tom: I bet she'll be in the last place she looks. Mike: [Helen] Nicole Kidman isn't *anywhere* in this week's "People"! >"Don't interrupt me while I'm cleaning my AK-47!," Crow: [mumbling] Scenes from American Pie 2, ladies and gentlemen. Tom: Say? Why is patriotic Mr. DeMartino using a Russki gun? Mike: They're just reusing the props from "Red Dawn", Tom. > Mr. DeMartino >yelled at her, his right eye bulging out again. "Do you want me >to shoot my eye out! Crow: Let's hear what our viewers at home think. Agnes, from Providence, Rhode Island! You're on the air! > Now, who can't you find?" > Crow: [Helen] Waldo! I've looked all over this stinkin' book! >"My younger daughter, Quinn!," Helen continued. Tom: [Helen] If it helps, she looks a lot like that Gabrielle chick on 'Xena'. You know, bare midriff? Same color hair? > "I haven't been >able to find her since the plane crash!" > >Mr. DeMartino motioned to Ms. Barch and Ami. > Mike: [DeMartino] Just hack the parts you like off them and build yourself a new daughter. >"You two, find out what happened to Quinn Morgendorffer!," he >snapped at them. > >"I don't like taking orders from male scum like you, >DeMartino!,:" Ms. Barch said. > Tom: But he wasn't offended because she added a duck smiley emoticon. >Mr. DeMartino pointed his gun and said "Well, my gun and I have a >different opinion!" > Crow: The Ted Nugent Debating Society at work. >Ms. Barch took the hint, and left with Ami. > Mike: Man, I am so glad patriots like this are standing up to military dictatorship! Tom: Yeah, the last thing we need is some uniformed goon with a gun mandating our actions. >"Male scumbag!," she muttered to herself. Tom: [Ms Barch] *That's* what I need! A male scumbag to boss around! > They left the YMCA and >went down the street. > >Soon they saw someone. > Mike: Where? Over there! By the thing! >"Excuse me," Ami asked, "Have you seen Quinn Morgendorffer?" > >"You bet I did," the person began to say. Tom: [person] On TV! She was with Xena The Warrior Prin- Oh! Oh wait! That may have been someone else. > "Beavis and Butt-Head >dragged her to the bus stop, kicked the driver out and drove the >bus all the way back to Highland, I figure." > Mike: Lawndale residents just don't give a damn, do they. Crow: Boy, we're running into a lot of Genovese's neighbors in this story. >"Might as well get my car and go over there," Ms. Barch said. Tom: [Barch, sighing] May as well. I s'pose. Could swing by the 24 Store, grab a six-pack of Tezquiza on the way or somethin'. > "I >always hated those two creeps! They always make mischief when >they come here to see Highland take on Lawndale. Mike: Kidnapping, attempted rape, arson... you know, mischief. > All men are >scum, Ami, and don't you forget it!" > Tom: [Ami] Let me write this down: "All - men - are - scum". >Ami was beginning to see that not all guys were like Mamoru or >even like Urawa Ryo, Crow: Or Kevin Brannagh or Brian Boitano or that nice Richard Gere! > the smart but kind boy she met back in the >Sailor Senshi's early days when they were searching for the seven >Rainbow Crystals that formed the Silver Imperium Crystal. Tom: [deeply] Guarded by the Balrog, deep within the Caves of Ancient Mordor! > But at >least she didn't think that all men were scum, at least not just >yet. Crow: Hear that, Mike? You've still got a chance! Mike: Thanks, Crow, it's good -- hey! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >It was about 10:30 PM. Beavis and Butt-Head were watching TV. Tom: [Butthead] Wow. That Charlie Rose sure gives one hell of an interview! >They were watching the reports of the JAL crash and the Lawndale >Militia coup. > Crow: Beavis and Butt-Head watching the news. My suspension of disbelief has just snapped. >"Cool! We're on TV, Beavis!," Butt-Head said. > >"Where! Where!," Beavis said, excited. > Crow: Jeez, ya'd think they'd know where their TV is. >"I think we're over there!," replied Butt-Head, pointing to the >TV. > Crow: We're watching them watch TV. Tom: At least they're not talking over the videos. I hate that. >"This is cool!," Beavis said, then began doing his "HEH-HEH-HEH- >HEH-HEH!" > >Butt-Head added his "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" > Crow: Man, I could listen to them laugh *all day*! And I have a feeling I'm going to be from now on! Tom: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you're watching these two laugh. >Then they changed the channel and tuned into a channel which was >showing the newsreel footage of the "Hindenburg" disaster. Mike: The stock footage channel! Ask *your* cable provider to carry it ASAP. > They >began their hideous laughter again. > >"Hey, Butt-Head," asked Beavis. > >Butt-Head replied, "Uh, what, Beavis?" > Tom: [Beavis] Would you mind if I recited some poetry I just composed? >Beavis then said, "Is this the Super Bowl?" > Mike: Well, there's a monkey singing "La Cucaharcha", so it must be. >"Uh, I think so, Beavis," was Butt-Head's answer; "It looks like >the Goodyear Blimp!" > Crow: Well, it could be Roseanne singing the anthem. >Then they saw the airship explode and Herb Morrison say "It's >burst into flames!" > >"FIRE! Tom: At will! > FIRE! Mike: When you are ready, Gridley. > FIRE! Crow: In a crowded theater! > FIRE! Tom: Down Below! > FIRE!," Beavis said. > Crow: Sorta makes ya wish they were in front of five firing squads! Mike: Mm. Sorta. >"Cool! It's crashing right onto the playing field!," Butt-Head >said. They began their hideous laughter again. > Mike: People are dying, it's fun! >Meanwhile, in the closet, Quinn had found a pin on the floor and >managed to unlock the door. Tom: I don't know why you humans bother with keys. Every flippin' one of you seems to know how to pick locks with a hairpin. Mike: Well... not really. > She slipped out--making sure that >she had her bra back on--and slipped out of the house. > Tom: The way this has been going, you'd think that was the one piece of clothing girls ever wear. >"Uh, Beavis, did you just hear the door open?," asked Butt-Head. > >Beavis replied, "I think so, Butt-Head." > >"Uh, better check on Quinn," asked Butt-Head. > Crow: [picking up phone] Hello? Martha Quinn? You still a washed-up MTV has-been? Cool. HEH-HEH-HEH! >Beavis got up and checked. When he saw no one there, he went >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! QUINN'S GONE! QUINN'S GONE!" > Crow: [Butt-head] Did you check the closet? Tom: [Beavis] Oh yeah! I'll be right back. >Butt-Head went over and said, "Dammit, Beavis, now how are we >going to score?" > Tom: Have you considered the quarterback sneak or the long bomb? >"I bet I know where she went, though," Beavis replied. > >With that they left to find Quinn. Crow: Check over in Eskimo Town. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Quinn was out of breath when she reached the home of Tom >Anderson. Mike: [Quinn] Pfew! Maybe I shoulda just run next door for help. Or that Police Station at the end of the street. Nah! > She rang the doorbell and soon it was opened by Mr. >Anderson. > >"Hello, young lady," he said; Tom: [Anderson] I'm not Hank Hill, I just sound like him. > "What can I do for you?" > Mike: And of course, if this were the real Mr. Anderson he would say... Crow: [Anderson] What the hell?! Where are your clothes little lady? Good lord! Mike: Thank you. >"My name's Quinn Morgendorffer," she began; "I'm from Lawndale. Crow: [Quinn] I'm a political science major at Radcliffe, and if *I'm* elected Miss America my platform will be to end hunger in America! >Beavis and Butt-Head kidnapped me and took me to their place. >But I managed to escape. I need help" > Tom: [Anderson] Kinda composed for a rape victim, ain'tcha? >"You're Daria Morgendorffer's sister, aren't you?," Mr. Anderson >asked. > Crow: [Quinn] No, that's some *other* family named Morgendorffer. >Quinn replied, "Yes, I am." > >"Well, I remember her," Mr. Anderson replied. "Smart little >girl, she is. Tom: [Anderson] She appreciated the advantages a good propane heating system has to offer! > Do you want to call your parents?" > >"Yes, please," begged Quinn. > Mike: [Anderson] Well, come inside the bra. *House*! >They entered the house. But then, Beavis and Butt-Head saw them >enter and raced for the door, kicking it down. > Crow: Wow! It's SuperBeavis and UltraButthead. Mike: They have the strength of ten losers! Tom: Ten _big_ losers. >"Quinn, we don't like girls like you running away from us," Butt- >Head said. > Tom: No matter how frequent the occurrence! Crow: You never really get used to rejection like that. Right, Mike? Mike: Nope. You sure don't. >"Yeah! That's not cool!," Beavis added. > >"You boys have done the most heinous thing I've ever heard about. Mike: Except for the guys who wrote "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer" of course. >I'm going to call the police right now," Mr. Anderson said. > Tom: When did Quinn get a chance to tell him? >"No way!," Beavis screamed. With that he found a golf club that >was lying nearby and began to bludgeon Mr. Anderson with it. All: ACK! Tom: Beavis, when people ask you to do Jack Nicholson, they just mean the voice, kid! Lighten up! Mike: The Davis Cup competition the public never sees! >Soon, he laid there, dead in a pool of blood. > [Appalled silence] Tom: Well. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse. >"Cool! He's dead!," Beavis said. "Now we can do what we want >with Quinn!" > Mike: [Beavis] We can dress her in that stunning Versace print you picked up at Cannes! >"You murderers! Don't you know right from wrong?," Quinn sobbed. > Crow: I doubt they even know right from left. >"Do a striptease for us, bitch!," Butt-Head ordered. > Mike: [Beavis] If you really want me to, Butt-Head. >"Then, like, let's have her wear that outfit we made that looks >like that Gabrielle chick's outfit from that Xena chick's show!," >Beavis said. > Tom: Did we really need to learn about that particular fetish of Beavis and Butthead? Mike: So in between the rapings and cruelty to animals, Beavis and Butt-head are part-time seamstresses? >"NO!," Quinn shrieked. > Mike: See? Quinn agrees with us. >"You won't deny us again!," Beavis said, Crow: Well, maybe twice more before the cock crows, but that's it! > then clenched his fists >and began to shake up and down while going >"BOINGOINGOINGOINGOINGOING!" Tom: Sound effects provided by Kiki the Ferret. > They moved in closer on Quinn. >Quinn was screaming, "SOMEONE HELP ME!" > Mike: Sorry, Quinny, "Someone" already had his chance. >Suddenly, there was a cold blast of air that hit the room. > Tom: Looks like she gave them the "cold shoulder," eh? Eh? >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," shouted a voice from the front door. > >Beavis and Butt-Head were frozen solid. > Crow: Hey! Sleeze-cicles! Mike: D'oh! That's no good! Future generations are gonna thaw'em out! >Quinn turned around to see Ami and Ms. Barch in the front door. >She ran to Ami and collapsed into her arms, crying. > Tom: [Quinn] I'm so glad to see you, girl I've never seen before! >"I'm just glad you came!," Quinn sobbed. > Crow: [Quinn] Whoever you are! Group hug! Tom: [Quinn] Wow, the dress code for the Japanese navy *rules*! >"It's all right. It's all over now," Ami said. > Tom: Oh, if only that were true. >Ms. Barch went to the now frozen Beavis and Butt-Head and >sneered, "You men are all scum!" Mike: Ha! Catch phrases! So much better than actual character development! For fun! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: Doctors recommend "Missile-based Bus Fare Nihilism Persnickety" for temporary relief of prolonged attention spans. >Daria was in some dark room with a strong light on her face. She >was tied to a chair. Tom: She had no thoughts or emotions. She just was. > Suddenly, a door opened, and Dr. Vander >Helffen entered. > Crow: Is it safe? >"So, you're the new Sailor Mercury now, aren't you?," he said. > Tom: [friendly doctor] My, you're a big girl! Your mommy must be feeding you very well! >Daria gave a rather stock answer: > Crow: To generate a P/E ratio, you divide the stock's price... >"My name is Daria Morgendorffer. Mike: Is it really that hard of a concept to grasp? Repeat it with me: Secret Identity. > I am a member of the Sailor >Senshi. Crow: [Daria] I am a millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. Tom: [doctor] Again! > I am a citizen of the United States and demand to be >treated as a prisoner of war in accordance with the Geneva >Convention." > Crow: You guys ever been to the Geneva Convention? Tom: I have! They wear those funny little hats and drink Swiss chocolate beer and moon the Matterhorn in three languages! >"That will do you no good," Dr. Vander Helffen replied. "The New >Imperial Rule Assistance Association does not recognize the >Geneva Convention. Tom: That's because it's wearing its hair different these days. > In fact, when we're done, we will rule the >world and abolish the Geneva Convention, Tom: But where will all the RPG geeks go? Mike: Ah, they'll just move it to Indianapolis. > the United Nations and >all other weak-kneed organizations and treaties. Crow: [Daria] Will you stand up to the World Trade Organization? Mike: [doc] Hey, do I *look* like I got that kind of clout? > Japan will be >the undisputed master of the world. Mike: [Helffen] And that means you too, Lichtenstein! Crow: [Helffen] Until such time as folks stop trading with us, since we have no natural resources. But for now, it kicks ass! Tom: All accomplished with their single plane. > And now you will hear of >those plans before we execute you!" > Crow: Plotting to rule the world: check. Ruling with an iron fist: check. Explaining plans to soon-to-be-executed heroine: check. Tom: Time for a break? Check. [The trio stands and leaves the theater.] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [Mike stands behind the command console of the bridge, holding a coffee mug in one hand. A small coffee maker sits nearby on the console.] Mike: Well, nothing like a nice cup of coffee to take your mind off an experiment. [mumbling] Now, if I could just remember where I put the whisky... [Mike lifts the mug up to his lips and begins to drink as Crow and Tom enter. Tom sidles up next to the coffee maker.] Crow: Hey, Mike. Tom and I think that we've figured out what's wrong with this story... Mike: And just what - Tom: [To the coffee maker] Hey, babe. Does heaven know one of their angels is missing? Heh, heh. Mike: Tom. It's a coffee maker. We've discussed this before. Tom: Mike, she's just playing hard to get. [Mike sighs and turns back to Crow.] Mike: Okay, Crow. What's wrong with the story? Crow: Well, this story is ostensibly based on Daria, right? Mike: Theoretically, yes. Crow: So, just what, exactly, is it missing? Mike: Crow, if I answered that, we'd be here all day. Crow: Good point. I'll just tell you then. Every episode of Daria has a soundtrack, full of hip songs that appeal to today's youth. And with that in mind, Tom? [Tom is still whispering sweet nothings into the coffeemaker's ear] Tom?! [nothing] TOM!!! Tom: What?! I'm makin' time with the babe here! Crow: Wheel it in! Tom: Well I would if you'd let me... Oh - oh yeah, the whatsit! Gotcha. [Tom exits, stage right.] Crow: Poor sap doesn't even know it's a *Mr.* Coffee. Mike: Crow, you didn't invent something again, did you? I'd think the whole hologazebo thing would've put you off that... [At the mention of the name, Cambot pans over to the open doors of the hologazebo. Beyond the doorway, jets of fire stream up into the sky. A deep, evil, maniacal laughter can be heard in the background.] Crow: Hey, cool!! I didn't know we had the "Gates of Hell" program running! Hmm. Come to think of it, I don't even recall buying that program either... I guess they must have bundled it in. [Tom re-enters, pushing a cart, with a fancy looking piece of equipment on it.] Tom: Mike? May I present... the Soundtrack-o-tron! Crow: Yes, this little bit of magic will add an appropriate musical number to whatever scene is going on! Tom: It's a marvel! It's a wonder! It... Mike: ...looks kind of like my stereo with a cheap calculator pasted onto it. Crow: Well, that too. Anyway, let's try it out! Mike: Can I go hide in the storm shelter? Tom: Nope. Let's say that Daria has been mistakenly invited to a party at Sandi's house. We just activate the Soundtrack -o-tron annnddd... [The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up and, after a few moments of "computer beeping" FX, music begins to play on the bridge.] Music: o/~ If you want to be with me, baby there's a price to pay. I'm a genie in a bottle. You gotta rub me the right way. o/~ [The music continues to play in the background.] Tom: See? An appropriate piece of background music. Crow: Now, let's pop over to Jane and Daria sharing a pizza at the pizza shop while they discuss Ms. Li's latest scheme. And... [The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up again, and music again plays in the background.] Music: o/~ If you want to take my picture Cause I won't remember... Do you want to take my picture, Cause I won't remember... o/~ Mike: Okay, I guess that works. Crow: See? Okay, Daria's at her Aunt Miriam's funeral and we hear in the background... [Crow activates the Soundtrack-o-tron, which begins to play.] Music: o/~ I like it when the beat go (Dut dun, dut dun) Baby make your booty go (Dut dun, dut dun) Girl I know you wanna show (Dut dun, dut dun) That thong, th-thong-thong-thong o/~ Mike: Um, that seemed a bit off. Crow: Well, the Soundtrack-o-tron might have been aiming at a different demographic on that one. Tom: Obviously, it was aiming for someone hipper than *you*, Mike. Mike: Hey! Crow: Moving along... Tom? Tom: Let's say that Daria is going out on a date with her dreamboat, Trent. And... [The Soundtrack-o-tron goes active and the music begins to play anew.] Music: o/~ You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals... o/~ [Crow lunges over and shuts off that track.] Crow: Heh. That one may be just a bit *too* cutting edge. Tom: Let's try this, Daria and Helen are going shopping at the mall... [Sountrack-o-tron. Lights. Music.] Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas Getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a brain... o/~ Mike: Okay, that one's just plain wrong. Crow: Just a system glitch. Tom, next example, please. Tom: Daria's at her aunt's wedding having a heart to heart talk with Quinn. [The Soundtrack-o-tron activates...] Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ Crow: Heh. Let's try Jane's boyfriend has a skiing accident. [The Soundtrack-o-tron activates...] Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ Tom: Jake loses his job, again! Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ Crow: Daria saves the Vice President's life! Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ [The sign lights begin to flash.] Tom: Daria and Jane save Christmas from an evil wizard?! Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ Crow: Daria Morgandorfer has the Sixth Sense! Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~ Mike: Guys, leave it alone! We've got Daria sign! [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 10: The Truth About Amazana Yoriko > Crow: With Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofolo! >Dr. Vander Helffen looked at Daria like a teacher would with a >troublesome but promising student. Mike: [Helffen] I know you can get this Daria. Truth is beauty, beauty is....? Crow: [Daria] Um....shoes? Tom: Mary Jo Letourneau *is* Dr. Vender Helffen. > He sensed that he had her >undivided attention. Mike: The fact that Daria is tied to the chair probably adds to that feeling. > He was about to speak when Yoriko arrived; >she had landed the Neo-Zero at an airfield near the facility. >She stepped in and approached the two of them. > Tom: [Yoriko] 'Scuse me, I lost my Korn CD, and I need it for my next bombing run. >"I guess you may know this individual by now," Dr. Vander Helffen >said. "This is Amazana Yoriko. Mike: Oh, yeah, her CEO was Time's Man of the Year. > She is the nominal head of the >NIRAA, but I wield the actual power in the organization. Crow: [Yerko] Yeah, I'm just a figurehead! A powerless- [stops] What? > As you >can see, she has bombed Tokyo with the Neo-Zero with complete >impunity. Crow: In fact, complete Neo-impunity! > Don't think that you and your Sailor Senshi friends >will be able to defeat us; we are too powerful to stop." > Tom: [Helffen] Sure Amazana just parked our only weapon outback, unguarded but we'll never be defeated! Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. Look, that "execution" thing is starting to sound pretty good. You think we could skip to that bit? >He continued, "And now I think it is time that I told you about >myself, Yoriko and the aims of the NIRAA. Tom: What the heck is this, freshman orientation? Mike: [Helffen] Our mission statement is to be proactively customer-driven while seeking ISO 9001 compliance. > Take a look at me: >how old do you think I am.?" > Crow: 90. Tom: 15. Mike: I never was good at this type of game.....um, 20? >"My best guess would be in your late 30's," Daria replied. > >Dr Vander Helffen then launched into his exposition of himself, >Yoriko and the NIRAA: > Mike: Well, there's no pretense here. You gotta give the author that. Crow: Nope, when he does mindless exposition, he's very up-front about it. >"What if I told you that I am actually 89 years old. Mike: That's fantastically amazing! Tom: And look how fast he chops this tomato! > It is due >to the 'Hi no Tori' Immortality Pills that I take. Tom: [Helffen] Everytime Tori Spelling gets another breast implant, I'm re-energized. Mike: Wow! He really *is* going to live forever! > But I will >get to that later on. Mike: First let me give tell you the 800 number to call and order this marvelous anti-aging product. > What matters now is that you will hear >about myself." > Crow: Hey Mike, doesn't the Geneva Convention prohibit exposition? Mike: They wouldn't care anyway, Crow. Tom: [Hellfen] Repeatedly, and in great detail. Leaving out nothing. I will now proceed to tell you these things about which I have previously outlined. >"I was born to one of those old Junker families in the German >province of Prussia. Crow: [Helffen] We were poor, but we had each other! To use as guinea pigs for our hideous experiments in genetic mutation, I mean. > I witnessed the humiliating defeat of >Kaiser Wilhelm and the Imperial Army at the hands of the decadent >Americans. Mike: Quonster? Is that you? > I swore that I would never again see my beloved >Germany be humiliated. Crow: [Daria] Then came World War Two. Mike: [Helffen] I'm not listening! Lalalalalalala... > I went to the best schools in Germany and >eventually entered the then young fields of genetics and >cryogenics. Mike: [Helffen] My goal was to genetically engineer the greatest musical talent the world has ever known. Tom: [Daria] Say, I could probably do a pretty good reenactment of that scene in "The Deer Hunter" If you'd let me... > When Adolf Hitler organized the Nazi Party, Mike: He supplied the History channel with enough material for 20 years of programming. > I joined >and offered my services to the Fuehrer in creating the 'Master >Race' that he sought to have. Tom: [Daria, desperate] William Tell! You could put an apple on my head, wear a blindfold! Try to shoot it off! Huh? That's a fun, non-talking thing we could do! > When the Nazis rose to power I >received approval from the Fuehrer to conduct more experiments. Tom: [Helffen] It took me five years, but I finally figured out how to get the hard boiled egg down inside the milk bottle! >I carried them out on the inferior Jews and crippleds." > Mike: This is a subtle sign to the reader that he's not a nice guy. Crow: [Daria] I'm guessing the experiments involved yammering on about stuff I don't care about? Look, if you just drop a bullet down my throat I'll probably choke on it! >"But my greatest achievement was when I created the 'Hi no Tori' >Immortality Pills. Mike: [Daria] Do you even *have* a gun?! > When the Nazis conquered North Africa, an >ancient text from Egypt was brought over to me. Tom: Turned out it was a scroll titled "101 Dumb Sumerian Jokes". > This text had >been copied from ancient Chinese documents dating back to the >time of Master Kung himself and made its way through India, Iran, >Saudi Arabia and finally over to Egypt. Crow: But not before a 6-hour layover at JFK. Mike: [Daria, growling] Uh-huh. What about rope? You can make a real sturdy noose out of a good length of rope! > It was an ancient >formula for creating an immortality pill that allegedly came from >the legendary Phoenix itself; Tom: The Legend of the Immortal Jean Grey! > 'Hi no Tori' is Japanese for >'Firebird' or 'Phoenix'. Mike: Meaning "City with a large number of retirees." Bots: Ahhh... > Apparently the writer had been to >Japan, where the Phoenix appeared to him in a vision with >Amaterasu-Omikami, the Sun Goddess, and her brother, Susano, the >Wind God. Crow: Whaddya know, Jon Souza's got a life after all! > The recipe called for the rarest of ingredients, which >even today are very hard to procure. Tom: Yeah, you know how hard it is to find a VCR made in the *US*?!? > But procure them I did, and >created the first batch. I have taken the pills since I was in >my early 30's." > Crow: Well they've clearly improved your lung capacity! You wanna stop and inhale here, buddy? >"It was the creation of this pill that led me to my next task: Mike: Quite a "To Do" list for the mad scientist there. Crow: Yeah. I wish he'd add "Shut Up" to it at some point. >Creating for the Fuehrer a race of 'Ultra Soldiers' who would >defend the Fatherland from the American subhumans and exterminate >the Jews, crippleds, Gypsies, and other inferior races. Tom: Unfortunately, Marvel and DC had both done that before, and threatened to sue. > I toiled >throughout the War to create the serum. But, when I finally >perfected it, the final assault on Berlin had begun, and the >Soviet armies were closing in on me. Mike: [Daria] OK! I get it! You're Hitler's mad scientist and you're taking over the world! Can I die now please? > I ran to the Japanese >Embassy and they conducted me out of the country, Crow: As the Allies were really friendly with the Japanese at the time. > but not before >I found out that my beloved Fuehrer and Eva Braun had killed >themselves. All: [losing it] AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Tom: *WE DON'T CARE!!! SHUT UP!!!* Crow: [panicking] Mike, do something! I'm staring to get flashbacks from "Deep Hurting"! Tom: [same] *NO! Not the sandstorm!* *ANYTHING* but the *SANDSTORM!* Mike: [anxious] OK! Guys, it's OK! Just concentrate on the riffing, and we can get through this. Let it wash over you. > I decided to go to Japan and hopefully give to them >the Ultra Soldier formula and thus at least help them defeat the >Americans. Crow: The damn fools gave it to Astro Boy. [snarling] Really good call on that one, guys. > However, the military leaders would not hear of it >from me. Tom: [Helffen] They had wisely purchased earplugs before our meeting. > Remember, they, and not Emperor Hirohito were in actual >control; the Emperor was a mere puppet in their hands. Mike: The Emperor was a woozle, and his name was Peanut. Crow: I dunno, the idea of a puppet as emperor is strangely appealing. > I stayed >in Tokyo and hoped that they would be desperate enough to finally >come to me. Crow: [Helffen] When that didn't work, I threatened to hold my breath until I turned blue. > However, the Americans soon used their atomic bombs >on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the militarists surrendered." > Tom: This will all be on the World History Mid-Term, by the way. Crow: Wait... wait, that sounded like an ending to me! Tom: Hey, yeah! Guys, I think we made it! Ha! Japan! Pht! Mike: See, it wasn't so bad! >"However, All: [in agony] *AAAUGH!* > that soon proved to be a boon to me. Mike: [panicked] For the love of god! He's *booning!* Tom: [same] He's speeched more than Captain Kirk and Plato combined, and he's *just getting started!* > Shortly before >the atomic bombings, Crow: Thousand volunteered for the Kamikaze program, just to escape the sound of my voice. > I had learned that Gen. Tojo Hideki had an >illegitimate child as a result of an affair he had with a >prostitute who lived in the pleasure quarters of the Ginza. Tom: [Helffen] As soon as I heard the word prostitutes, I knew I had to investigate. Mike: Meanwhile, Brick tells Tawny about his secret affair with Colt's evil twin sister, Angelica. > As >soon as the American occupation forces arrived, I knew I had to >act quickly. Crow: [Helffen] So I subscribed to Boy's Life and did my dry cleaning. > They wanted to seize the child from its mother as >punishment for her infiltrating American lines disguised as a >runaway Korean comfort woman and wheedling out secrets from the >American soldiers, which she then told Gen. Tojo about. Tom: Pat, I'd like to buy some punctuation. Mike: Yerko? Could you maybe pop one of those cacophonous faux-music CD's you like so much in the stereo there? Crow: Yeah! Put the volume at 11! Melt my brain! That'll solve things! > They >wanted to take the child to the United States, put her up for >adoption and erase any memory of her ancestry. Crow: Elian Gonzales Tojo, everyone! Tom: [whimpering] Oh, what I wouldn't give to erase any memory of this fanfic! Mike: Guys, come on! You're wallowing! It's not helping! Tom: Oh, eat me, Nelson! > They were afraid >that if there was a child of Tojo's who was aware of his or her >heritage, he or she might organize a new extremist organization >that would take over Japan. Crow: What *is* an extremist organization in Japan, exactly? Mike: I don't know. Probably some "Accept Foreigners As Equals" kind of a group. > I, however, got to the prostitute's >home first, Crow: [Helffen] Luckily, I just happened to be in the area at the time... > and promised the woman that I would take care of her >girl Tom: [Helffen] I then remarked on how hot it was, and removed my shirt. > Soon enough, the American forces arrived at her house, and >got so incensed that they could not find the child that they >arrested her, charged her with espionage, and had her executed." > Mike: [Helffen] Imagine that! Charging a spy with espionage! What do you think of your precious America now, hmm? >"Meanwhile, I had spirited her away with me to Argentina, Tom: Where they blended right in. Crow: Before or after her execution? > where I >lived for a while. Mike: [Helffen] I lived next to a Mr. Hilter. A strange fellow. > There I injected my first batch of 'Ultra >Soldier' serum into her, but there was an unexpected reaction; Mike: She developed a crunchy breaded coating and became delicious! Tom: [Helffen] Suddenly all my assistants sang, o/~ When Captain America throws his mighty shield! o/~ >the results were unstable. Crow: Wow, an experimental formula that doesn't work right the first time. Didn't see that one coming! > I was forced to place her in >cryogenic stasis until I could create an antidote. Mike: [Helffen] So I stuck her in the freezer next to my other mistakes, Andrew Dice Clay and Howie Mandel! > It took me >twenty-five years for me to do that, during which I refined the >'Ultra Soldier' formula. Crow: Turns out just stickin' the word "Soldier" onto a tube of "Ultra Brite" toothpaste doesn't actually do anything! Mike: Oh the bright side though, the formula now has a Cool Minty flavor. > When I finally got her out of cryogenic >stasis, I used the antidote on her, then used the refined >formula. Tom: [Helffen] But first, I used an electric blanket on her! She was colder than a brass monkey! > The results were amazing. Tom: [Helffen] It worked perfectly...up until she died. > She now can lift 65 tons >over her head, Mike: [Helffen] Or is that her typing speed? I forget. > has the endurance of fifty men, and is in better >physical condition than the best Olympic athlete. Mike: She can even outskate Oksana Baiul. Crow: If he has *her*, why does he need the plane? Mike: [quietly] I don't- > I began to >indoctrinate her on Nazi philosophy, using of course the >Fuehrer's classic text 'Mein Kampf'. Mike: So, you taught a Japanese girl about the superiority of the Aryan race? > I had also sent her to the >best schools in Japan; Mike: They all sent her back, 'cuz she was frozen and all, but still! > eventually, she got her Master's Degree in >Political Science from Tokyo University. Tom: Her thesis must have been really interesting. "Aryans! They're Monk-a-licious!" Crow: [Helffen] I'll never forget her valedictorian address, when she stood in her robes at the podium, all grown up, and said, *"SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!"* > Yoriko has been raised >since she was thawed to be loyal to me. I also have her on the >'Hi no Tori' pill." > > Tom: 'Cuz, you know. With boys today... Crow: Hey! A pause! You don't think maybe- >"And now, Mike: Ah. There's the return of Helderheffen's soothing voice. Tom: I'd really missed it in that two line gap. > you will learn about my plan to conquer the world. Mike: I'm betting that talking is involved somehow. Tom: [Daria] If it's all the same to you, can you kill me now? > As >soon as we make the civilian government surrender to us, we will >launch an aggressive campaign to take back what is rightfully >Japan's. Crow: [Helffen] Granted, I really should be obsessing about Germany, being Prussian and all, but hey, one totalitarian state's as good as another, right? > We will retake the Kuriles and Sakhalin Island from >Russia; we will retake the Pescadores from China. We will >reannex both Koreas and Taiwan. Crow: We will beat up New Zealand and takes its lunch money! > We will conquer Indonesia, >Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Crow: Is the plural of Laos, "Lice"? Mike: There's only one Laos, Crow. Crow: Yeah, I know. But if there were two... > Thailand, Mynamar, Singapore, Malaysia, Tom: This... isn't much of a "plan", is it? Mike: No, but add music and it's one hell of an "Animaniacs" song! >the Philippines, India, Bhutan ,Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Tom: Wasn't he chased by four ghosts in a maze? Mike: No, that's Pacman, Tom. It's different. >Afghanistan, Papua New Guinea Crow: Mama New Guinea, and a darling little Baby New Guinea! > and the other Oceanic nations. Tom: [Helffen] But not Bali--I hate the food there. And if you think we can't? Three words: really, big, plane! Crow: Afghanistan is an "Oceanic" nation? > We >will then declare war on the United States, Great Britain, >Russia, China and France and use nuclear bombs that we will >appropriate from the seized American bases that we take over. Mike: Yup! You're a tiny island, they're five scattered land masses of immense area. Nuclear war is a brilliant tactic! Crow: Um, aren't nukes banned from US bases in Japan? Tom: Yes, but that won't stop them! Crow: Okay, I was - huh? >After those five nations are humiliated, we will threaten to >unleash more nuclear weapons on the rest of the world unless it >submits to Japan. No one will be able to stop us, NO ONE!" > Mike: [Daria] "back... what... is... rightfully.. Japan's." Okay, what was the rest of it? Tom: [newsman] Thank you, Doctor Helffen. Now for the Republican's response to this State of the Plot speech, please welcome Oklahoma Congressman J.C. Watts! >"Yes, there is something that will stop you," Daria said. Tom: Prepubescent Girls in Short dresses? > >Dr. Vander Helffen continued unabated: > Mike: Big surprise there, huh folks? >"And what will that be? God? The spirit of the Japanese people? >Humanity? Freedom? The Americans or the Russians? What will >stop us, Daria?" > Mike: [Daria] Devilled hams! Tom: [Helffen] Damn. You're right. Well, so much for that idea. Ah, hell. We'll just knock over a bank. >Daria replied, "Public opinion will, Crow: [Daria] The same way it stops the gun lobby and tobacco! > because if you think the >rest of the world is going to just let you waltz into power and >start this mayhem of yours, you're even crazier than I >suspected." > Mike: Taste the red-hot steel of George "The Enforcer" Gallup! >Dr. Vander Helffen was aghast. He continued: > >"Public opinion will stop me? Are you serious? Crow: Well she was a satire until *someone* got a hold of her! > See what >decadence is out there right now. The public is being sated by a >modern-day version of the old Roman 'bread and circuses' tactics. Mike: They're distracted by cartoon shows with bright colors and attractively drawn young girls... >This time, it's senseless media controlled by very few people, >who make people watch trash that's full of lies, half-truths, >distortions, colored opinions, Mike: Except on black-and-white sets, where opinions are shaded. > useless trivia, Tom: Hey, I *like* "Millionaire"! > promiscuous sex, [They all cough "bra-less" heavily and repeatedly.] >wanton violence and degradation. Crow: [indignant] Hey, I *like* UPN! > You have celebrities and sports >people who act outrageously and get away with it; Mike: [Daria] John Rocker topples civilization? Tom: [Helffren] Yes! Exactly like John- [stops] Are you mocking me, Daria? > further, not a >month passes by now unless there's news of a shooting in a >school. Mike: That's true, actually. Tom: Yeah, I remember April being held up quite a long time because of that. > Do I have to remind you about the Latrell Sprewell >incident Crow: [Daria] You mean when he led the Knicks to the finals? Tom: [Helffen] No, I don't mean when he led Knicks to the finals! Crow: [Daria] GO NEW YORK! GO NEW YORK! GO! Tom: [Helffen] Stop that! > or the shootings at Jonesboro, Arkansas and Springfield, >Oregon? Crow: [Helffen] And I won't even begin to talk about how many young women are walking around bra-less! > Is it any wonder groups like mine exist in many nations >around the world? Mike: How many countries have a trash-talking Amazon raised by Dr. Strangelove? Crow: Nah, he means goofy, long-winded egomaniacs. Tom: Yeah, they're a dime a dozen! > We're trying to restore sanity to this world. Tom: And we'll kill anybody who doesn't agree! >There are groups like mine all over the world: the National >Front in France; Mike: National Front? Crow: [Hans Gruber] I read about them in Time. > the Neo-Nazi skinheads in Germany, the Neo- >Fascists in Italy; Mike: Ah, the return of the "Neo" theme! Crow: [Helffen] Plus that one scary bald guy on Oz. > even in your country there are the right-wing >militias and the white supremacists and the disgruntled >anti-government taxpayers groups like the All-County Taxpayers >Association." Crow: Or the Jefferson County District 4 School Board. Mike: o/~ One of these things is not like the other... o/~ > >"And there are weirdoes like Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols >who bomb Federal office buildings and kill innocent people," >Daria said. Tom: [Helffen] Yes! Yes! I think you're beginning to catch on! > "Dr. Vander Helffen, the world you are dreaming of >is in reality a nightmare; it would be a world ruled by madmen Crow: [Charlton Heston]: IT'S A MADHOUSE - A MADHOUSE!!! >who think only they can be the source of law and order and that >those who oppose them--especially minorities, the disabled and >the poor--have to be exterminated. Mike: Hey, whaddaya know - John Rocker *did* topple civilization. Tom: [Helffen] I'd never kill the poor! Hell, someone has to haul the bodies away! > Hitler was real close to >bringing such a nightmare world to reality, but he was stopped. >Your dream isn't about restoring Japanese glory, it's about >bringing a Fourth Reich to existence. Mike: [Helffen, chuckling] Am I *that* transparent? > If you think my friends >and I are going to just stand aside and let you and others like >you get away with this, Crow: [Daria] Then boy! Have you got *us* pegged! > then you are dead wrong. Crow: [Daria] Okay, I concede I'm tied up and a prisoner, but you're still mostly dead wrong. > We will stop >you even it it's the last thing we ever do." > All: o/~ From sea, to shi-ning sea! o/~ Crow: Wow. Guys, I'm inspired. I'm gonna go out, help the poor and needy, and do my part to make the world a better place. Mike: Crow, you're stuck in a satellite in orbit around the Earth. Where are you going to find poor people? Crow: Well, thanks for crushing my dream Mike. Mike: Anytime buddy. >Yoriko got mad and slapped Daria. > All: Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! >"You're just wasting your breath on her," Yoriko said to Dr. >Vander Helffen. > Tom: She points out after a mere *twenty minutes* of expository hell... Crow: Well, when you've been in cryogenic stasis that long, You tend to be a bit slow on the uptake. >"You're right," he said. "Take her away to be executed!" > Mike: I wish Yoriko had said that before he started his speech. >Daria was untied from the chair and taken away. Tom: [Daria] So... you'll call me, right? Did I mention I know Powerpoint?! And when I said $10 an hour, I can be flexible! > "Great, " she >began to say to herself, "just a few days ago, I was worrying >about Beavis and Butt-Head heckling me at the football game; Mike: [Daria] Thank goodness I avoided that. > now >I'm about to be executed by firing squad. Mike: We never established the *method*, technically. Crow: Yeah, they may just put her on the Atkins diet, kill her that way. > That's the sick, sad >story of my life." Tom: o/~ Sixteen, clumsy, and shy! The story of my li-I-I-I-fe! That's the story of my life! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >The Lawndale Courthouse was filled with Lawndale Militia >personnel. Mike: And every one of them was reenacting scenes from "A Few Good Men." > In the chambers a moot trial Crow: Um... Tom: Errrr - Mike: Yeah, I think he means "mock" trial, but this is actually much more accurate. > was about to be held >against the Mayor, the City Council and the City Judge. Anthony >Corlew was going to be the judge, with twelve of his closest >associates being the jury. > Mike: And the defense attorney was Dylan McDermott from the smash new ABC series "The Practice". >Anthony stood up and banged the gavel. Crow: Oh is *that* what the kids are call- Mike: Must you? Crow: Yes. > He then said: > >"This trial is now set to begin. All of the defendants are >accused of the following crimes: fraud; corruption; bribery; Crow: Rebroadcasting the pictures, descriptions, and accounts of this game without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball... >funneling taxpayers' money to welfare-cheating minorities and >disabled persons; Tom: [Mayor] Tony, we're a municipality! We don't run a welfare program. Mike: [Corlew] Quiet you! > indoctrinating our children with poisonous >politically correct doctrine while in school Mike: Hunting snipe without a license... > and encouraging >promiscuity by having condoms available at the high school. Crow: And turning the town fountain green on St. Patrick's Day without using dye. Mike & Tom: Eww... > The >punishment for all of these crimes shall be death by firing >squad. The trial shall begin." > Tom: Boy, Lawndale takes its anti-littering campaign seriously! >Somehow, the outcome was known beforehand, but they wanted to >have this trial so as to look legitimate in the eyes of the >public. Crow: Should lend credence to the whole "overthrow local government and law" thing. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >At SDF Headquarters, Usagi was fighting for her life. Mike: The show's enough of a video game that she'll get a new one at 20,000 points. > But now >there was another concern as well. > Tom: [random Sailor] There's only a case of conditioner left! What are we going to do? >"Daria has been gone for hours," Rei said. "She should know >better than to just run off on her own personal vendettas." > Crow: Thank you, Mrs. "I Will Not Rest Until I Avenge My Grandfather"! >"Save your bratty attitude for later," Mamoru yelled. "Can't you >see the woman I love is in critical condition?" > Crow: Something's happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt?! What?! Tom: [Rei] Oh, it's all about *your* pain, isn't it?! >Rei was taken aback from Mamoru's yelling at her. It wasn't too >long ago, after all, that she was once his girlfriend. Crow: Girlfriend, stalker... who can say where the line is these days? > Then she >found out that Usagi and Mamoru were meant to be together. Mike: Yeah, when the baby from the future shows up, it kinda puts a damper on playing the field. > She >had her complaints, her arguments, and even her fights, but far >be it form her to stand in the way of destiny. Crow: She will, however, block off Destiny's driveway out of spite. > Somehow, however, >it just seemed so unfair. She began to cry. > >"Rei, I didn't mean to snap at you like that," Mamoru finally >said. Crow: I meant to yell at you much louder, *LIKE THIS YOU STUPID LITTLE BRAT*! > "I just hope to God that Mako can get the Star Lights over >here as soon as possible." > >Just then, a Ground SDF soldier Tom: [Homer] Mmmmmmmmm - Ground SDF Soldier! > arrived and spoke to Gen. >Torymura: > Mike: [Soldier] Hey, can we play outside today? >"Sir, you might want to see this. Tom: A Corman film with Sandra Bullock! And she's *nude!* > It's a video from a >surveillance camera. Crow: [Soldier] It's pictures of Madonna's latest wedding. > It seems that Ms. Morgendorffer is being >taken in the direction of Olympic Stadium by the NIRAA. Mike: Our conclusion? She's entering the high hurdles. > I think >they may be planning to execute her." > Tom: Julie Katz, this is your execution! >"Mr. Chiba, Ms. Kaiou, I want the both of you to go over there >and rescue our missing operative,", Gen. Torymura said. > Mike: Oh, and nab Daria while you're at it. >"You're asking Tuxedo Mask to leave the side of the woman he >adores so you can launch a commando operation? That is Crow: Pathetic? >pathetic," Crow: Yep. I thought so. > Michiru said in response. > Crow: Did these people not understand the job responsibilities inherent in superheroing? Tom: Japan must not have as stringent an entry exam as we do in the States. >"It's all right," Mamoru replied. Tom: [Mamoru] I'll go rescue the little baby Sailor Senshi. *This* time! > He turned to Usagi and said, >"Usako, my love, I promise you that I will return to you. Tom: [Mamoru] Unless I get lucky and hook up with Geri Halliwell. > If, >however, I lose you, Mike: [Mamoru] Well then, I guess I'll head off to Hooters. But only after a decent period of mourning. Five minutes should be plenty. > I swear before all that is holy, just and >true that I will not rest until the bastard who did this to you >is stopped for all time. Crow: There's an awful lot of vengeance pledging going on around here. Tom: It's like a Klingon version of Beverly Hills 90210. > Twice you almost lost me because of my >own carelessness; I don't want to lose you due to your own. This >I swear!" > Tom: [Mamoru] I swear I will not let you lose you. Or something like that. >With that, he gathered his cape around himself, grabbed the >walking cane he had and departed with Sailor Neptune. Mike: Batman hasn't aged well at all. Crow: [Mamoru] Say, Neppie. You're kinda cute... > >Just then, they arrived: Crow: A bunch of giant ants? Mike: No, that'd be "Just then, them arrived:" > The Sailor Star Lights. Their names >were Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Maker Mike: Sailor Heart Breaker, Sailor Dream Maker. > and Sailor Star >Healer. Tom: You notice how after a couple of dozen Sailors, you just stop caring? Mike: Yeah. Scientists have dubbed this the "For Pete's Sake, Enough Already" Effect. Tom: Oh, right. Last month's "Scientific American". Saw it. > Sailor Star Healer's talents were going to be needed. > Mike: Okay, fill me in here. Who exactly are these people? Tom: They're kind of a super powered, trans-gendered version of Hanson. [pause] Mike: Guys, you really need some different reading material. How about some nice French comics? Tintin? Asterix? Crow: [snort] Yeah right. Like we're going to read something that has a talking dog in it. Tom: How unrealistic, Mike. >"I came back as soon as I could," Makoto said. "Right now, I >wouldn't be surprised if we had to call on the Amazoness Quartet >eventually as well. Tom: [Rei] Or the Inferior Five. Or even the United Nations. Crow: [Makoto] Oh, like we'd ever be *that* desperate! > The entire city is in chaos." > Crow: I suppose that means Evil Ernie will be showing up any minute now to kill the entire cast. >"Where is our leader?," Sailor Star Healer said. > Tom: Somewhere looking for Hulk, where else? >Chibi-Usa pointed at her. "You must hurry," she said, "if she >dies, then it'll be as if I never existed." > Mike: So, all in all, things are looking up. Tom: Suddenly Schwarzenegger walks in. "Ah'm looking for Sarah Con- aw, crap! I'm late." >Sailor Star Healer went over to Sailor Moon. She looked at her. > Tom: [SSH] Either she's dead or my watch has stopped. >"This will take almost all of my healing energy, but it can be >done," she said. Mike: First, I'll need to know her primary provider. We may have to move her to Boston Mercy. > With that, she placed her hands over Usagi's >forehead, and energy immediately flowed from her to Usagi. > >Rei got on her knees and prayed: > Tom: o/~ Won't get fooled AGAIN!!! o/~ >"Kannon, Mike: The goddess of continuity. Crow: DC and Marvel must not like her much. Tom: We're pretty high up on her hit list too. > Goddess of Mercy, spare Usagi's life. I know we haven't >gotten along too well in the past, but I couldn't have asked for >a better leader. Crow: She was out a lot, and signed the timesheets without lookin' too close! > This I pray." > >All Luna and Artemis could do was watch. Mike: Oh come on, they're cats! They're usin' Usagi's body as a mattress, pawing the Healer's calves... > "It's all up to her >now," Luna finally said. > Crow: [Luna] We're doomed. Let's make a run for it! >"She has to pull through; if she doesn't, all will be lost!," >Artemis added. > Tom: [Artemis] Until we take the five seconds to replace her. You got your list ready? Mike: [Luna] Oh yeah. Guess we should make some calls now. Tom: [Art] Uh-huh. Save time later. >Everyone was hoping for the best. Mike: Except the readers who are hoping for a sudden ending. Tom: Besides, hoping for the worst isn't really a winning strategy. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: Live! From Hollywood, California! "Fish Bucket Swiss Cheese Neiman-Markus Kalhua"! >Olympic Stadium was built for the 1964 Summer Games. Mike: [Japanese] Nagira, look! Our two seats together are as big as our apartment! > Those games >were to showcase a Tokyo that had been successfully resurrected >from the wartime destruction that had wreaked as much havoc on >the city as did the 1923 earthquake. Mike: Darn shame when Godzilla leveled it three years running. > But now it seemed to be a >monument to past glories. Crow: And a monument to excessive padding. > Japan was in an economic slump, and >the facility seemed so dated now. Tom: It's the Avocado colored seats. > Sitting where Emperor Hirohito >himself had declared the Games opened, Dr. Vander Helffen--along >with Yoriko--were watching some NIRAA soldiers tie Daria up to a >flagpole for her execution. Crow: In the middle of the stadium? Bet *that* put a crimp in the pole vault. > As custom dictated, the soldier >asked for a few requests. > Tom: [hooting] Free Bird! Mike: [same] Whipping Post! Crow: [same] Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, man! >"Blindfold?," the soldier asked. > >"No," Daria replied. > >"Cigarette?," the soldier asked again. > Mike: [Daria] Yes it is. >Daria said, "I don't smoke." > >Finally, the soldier asked, "Any last words?" > Mike: [Daria] Yes. Ahem! "THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE - A Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan Fiction Story By-" Crow: [Soldier] Dear lord. We'll be stuck here until the next ice age. >"I don't have any last words," shot back Daria, "but I do have >this." > Tom: Oh, she's brought her delightful 18th-century style tea set for Dr. Van Helffen to appraise! Mike: It's the Terrorist Antique Roadshow! I love this! >She wrenched her free hand from the other soldier who was tying >her up, and gave the middle finger to Dr. Vander Helffen and >Yoriko. Tom: [Helffen] What? What's she saying? Is there something up there I should look at? What? > The soldier seized the hand and tied it to the flagpole. > Mike: [sinister] Yes, tie it to the flagpole and see who salutes! >"How dare she do that!," Yoriko said. > Tom: Boy, she's awfully touchy for someone who goes around blowing up buildings at random. Crow: [Yerko] That really tears it! Even if I *do* see her in hell, I'm going walk past and pretend I don't notice her! >Dr. Vander Helffen now stood up. Five NIRAA soldiers were >standing about twenty paces away from Daria.. Tom: Suddenly Prince Charles drives up, says the flagpole is a historic piece of architecture, and they have to shoot her someplace else. > He took a >ceremonial Prussian field marshal's sword that had been his >grandfather's and held it up in the air. > Tom: Now, gentlemen, what am I bid for this? >"When I yell 'FIRE!' and drop my sword, execute her," he >commanded. > Mike: When she yells 'FIRE!', we execute you and you drop your sword. Crow: No, we drop our execution, yell at her and fire you. >The soldiers loaded up their rifles. Tom: Shouldn't they have done that before? Mike: Now one of the terrorists raises his hand, and asks to go to the bathroom. > Another soldier began to >beat a drum. > Crow: I guess he don't wanna work. Mike: Then the bass kicked in and soon they were all jammin' to the fresh new beat. >"READY!," Dr. Vander Helffen shouted. > Crow: [Daria] Um... I changed my mind about the blindfold! Guys? >The soldiers took up their rifles. > >Dr. Vander Helffen they yelled, "AIM!" > Tom: They who? Crow: The soldiers, I guess. Tom: Shouldn't they wait for Doc Vandenburger? Crow: They're showing initiative. Tom: *BANG!* Mike: [squad leader] Who?! What?! *Carl!* Tom: [Carl] Oops. Sorry guys. I was nervous. Mike: Great. Right through the eye. You ruined everything! >They all focused on Daria > Mike: I prefer point and shoot rifles, with autofocus. >Dr. Vander Helffen was now ready to yell "FIRE!" and drop his >sword, but then a red rose dart hit him right between the eyes. > All: [startled] YAH! Tom: He must've been aiming for the cheap seats. Crow: How aerodynamic can a rose be? >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!," Dr. Vander Helffen yelled. > Mike: [Soldier] Wait, was that "FIRE" or "AAAAAA"? >Suddenly, there was another yell: > Tom: KA-BOOOONG! Mike: El Kabong! And Babalooie too! Crow: They'll save the day for sure! >"SUPER NEPTUNE TYPHOON, OVERWHELM!" > Tom: [Mamoru] Huh? Crow: [Neptune] Turn on the fire hose. Tom: [Mamoru] Oh! >Suddenly, a wall of water crashed down on the firing squad, >sweeping them away. Mike: So Daria's last words were "blub". Tom: Yeah, bad time to be tied to a flagpole. > Daria noticed that it was all the way up to >her chin. But then Tuxedo Mask came out of nowhere, Crow: Using Tux-boy's often seen, but rarely commented on, teleportation powers. > grabbed onto >the pole, and wrapping one arm around the pole and using his free >hand, took a rose dart and cut the ropes binding Daria to the >pole. Mike: Boy, my Gramma would love to talk to this guy! Her roses Just roll over and die. Crow: I wonder if those things bloom onions, too? > Then, he took out his walking stick, which extended, Mike: Perhaps he's just glad to see her. > and >used that to pole vault their way to the stands. Mike: [skeptical] A two-man pole vault? With a collapsible pole? Tom: Physics is something that happens to other people. > She noticed >that Sailor Neptune was standing there, with her trident over her >head. > Crow: Man, she *always* hogs all the gum! >"Am I ever glad to see you guys!," Daria said. > Tom: [Daria] Well, am I? >"Save the congratulations for when we get back to SDF >Headquarters," Tuxedo Mask said. They made good their escape. > Mike: Exposition? Bah! Who needs it? Crow: Ernest Hemingway's "The Escape". >Yoriko went over to Dr. Vander Helffen. > Mike: Somewhere at some point. Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL YOU- oh. Sorry, reflex speech. >"Are you OK?," she asked. > Crow: [Yerko] Are you still immortal, honey, or do you need a lie-down? >Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "He got me right between the eyes." > Tom: So why aren't you dead yet? >"I swear, I will get vengeance for this!," Yoriko said. Mike: Yeah, yeah. Look, in the interests of time, please only speak if you plan to practice forgiveness and move on with your life? > "We will >have the last laugh!" Crow: [Helffen] Great, Yerk. Could we concentrate on the first ambulance right now? You may not have noticed, but I've got a rose in my head. Tom: He's the Homer Simpson of evil Hitler doctors. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >When Daria, Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Neptune returned to SDF HQ, >Usagi was still fighting for her life. > Mike: [Rei] Luna? Don King's on the phone! Did you ask for a promoter?! >"Why is this taking so long?," Minako said, almost at the verge >of tears. > Crow: [Minako] Just die already! Tom: Hey! It's your fault you went to an HMO! >"See what your foolishness has done?," Mamoru said. Crow: Mammy, baby, Minako wasn't flying the death plane, guy! Lighten up! > "I swear, >Usagi wasn't as obnoxious in the beginning as you are right now!" > Crow: Well, she - I, uh... okay, Tuxy, you lost me there. >Sailor Star Healer said, "I'm almost at the end of my resources >here!" > Tom: Send the villagers out to gather more food and wood. Mike & Crow: [pause] Tom: [whispering] Age of Empires. Mike & Crow: Ahhh. >"C'mon, Mom," Chibi-Usa was saying to herself, "Dad and I are >counting on you to pull through!" > Tom: [Chiba-Usa] *Someone's* got to make dinner tonight! Crow: Um, by the way, someone, like, stole the car last night and crashed it into a tree, and I just happened to come across it and call a tow truck? >It was then that Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the rest of >the Nagai campaign team arrived. > Mike: Well he's captured the spirit of modern campaigning, I'll give him that. Tom: [Governor] Hi! If your girlfriend survives, I hope I Can count on her vote in the coming election. >"Who authorized you to be here?," Gen. Torymura said. > >"I have the permission of both the Emperor and the Prime >Minister," Gov. Nagai said. Tom: They want to see if my spin doctors are anything like real doctors. > "If you want to file a complaint, >take it up with them." > Mike: So nyah-nyah. >The Solar Warrior saw Usagi's condition and knew he had to act >quickly. He took out what looked like a small yellow disc and >placed it on Usagi's head. > Crow: He's a Soultaker! All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! >"What are you doing?," Sailor Star Healer said. > >"It is a Solar Healing Disc," the Solar Warrior replied. Tom: As endorsed by Chi Chi Rodriguez! > "The >very energy of the Sun will heal her." > Tom: As opposed to giving her skin cancer or anything like that... >Suddenly, the disc began glowing, coursing energy throughout >Usagi's body. Usagi was beginning to moan in pain, Mike: Oops. That's his Solar Head Burning Disc. > but soon the >pain was finally easing. Finally, within a minute, all the >injuries had healed themselves. > Crow: [Minako] Cool! Does that work on zits? >"Give her time to rest," the Solar Warrior said. "She is out of >danger now." > Crow: Out of danger...and into the kill zone! >"I think it is time you finally leveled with us and talked about >who you are and how you came to be," Tuxedo Mask said. Mike: We haven't had any long-winded exposition for almost three scenes! > "Even >when I was Endymion back in the Silver Millennium I never heard >about you or your exploits. Are you really who you claim to be, >or are you working for the enemy?" > Tom: The Solar Warrior is like the Jay Gatsby of anime! >"I see that some of the doubts that Usagi and Luna have about me >since in the beginning has rubbed off on you," the Solar Warrior >said. Crow: So kiss my aluminum-foiled fanny! > "But now I will finally tell my tale. Take it from me, >once you hear it , all doubts will be erased." Tom: And replaced will full-scale disbelief. >----------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Let's get outta here. Crow: Yeah, my head's so full of useless details, it feels like it's about to explode! Tom: And this is new how? Crow: Oh, ha ha! [All leave] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike & the bots are talking.] Mike: Wow! I don't know what's more ridiculous about this story - the plot or the concept. Tom: Whaddaya mean? Mike: Well, think about it - a Crossover story between "Daria" and "Sailor Moon"? Crow: Yeah! I mean, what was Pete thinking? Tom: Um, that they're both animated shows starring teenage girls? Mike: Yeah, but that's like saying "Yogi Bear" and "Gentle Ben" are natural crossover fodder because they both have a bear! Tom: True. And I mean, think of all the crossovers that get written just because they sound good to *somebody*! Mike: The *least* dangerous of which is stuff like Star Trek and X-Files, or Forever Knight and Highlander. Tom: Right! There's some weird things floating around loose out there. Crow: Yeah, stuff like Superfriends/Designing Women/Akira. Tom: Or a Dragonball Z/Baywatch/Sopranos/Twin Peaks story. Crow: Oh, even that wouldn't be as bad as, say a Beverly Hillbillies/Space Ghost Coast to Coast/Dirty Pair crossover. Tom: Oh? What about a Little House on the Prairie/Munsters/ Dateline NBC tale? Crow: Dateline?!? Hah! Journalistic Drivel! Think of a Nightline/Gone With the Wind/X-Files/X-Men story! Tom: Small Potatoes! Think of a Iczer-1/Space 1999/Little Mermaid/WWF Smackdown tale. Crow: With a little romance between Ariel and The Rock - that's pure evil! Almost as bad as a Project Ako/Larry King Live/JAG Story! Mike: Uh, guys... Tom: Of course, Larry winds up marrying Catherine Bell, and that's just wrong. But not as wrong as, say, Harsh Realm/ CPO Sharkey/Hello Larry/Sixth Sense. Crow: Oooh, "I see dead series"! Heeheehee! Hey, what about a Hogan's Heroes/Police Academy/M*A*S*H/Sabrina the Teenaged Witch story? Tom: A Colonel Klink/Colonel Flagg conspiracy subplot, huh? Hey, would a Wild Wild West/I Am Weasel/Time Tunnel/ Aliens thing work? Mike: Hello? Guys? Crow: Nah, Wild Wild West just doesn't work with Aliens. On the other and, a Next Generation/Married with Children/ Gundam Wing tale has definite possibilities! Tom: HAH! Peg Bundy *IS* the anti-Troi! Still, it's not quite as bad as the Earth: Final Conflict/A-Team/Thomas the Tank Engine thing I'm thinking about! Crow: Please - having Mr. T do Thomas's voice just doesn't cut it! But it's not any worse than, say, a Hamlet/ Mononoke Hime/Monday Night Football crossover. Tom: Urp - the though of Frank Gifford hitting on Ophelia is nauseating! I like the idea of a Regis & Katie Lee/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Mission Impossible/60 Minutes crossover better. Crow: C'mon, who'd buy Morley Safer as a slayer? Maybe a nice Moesha/Gunsmoke/Babylon 5/Chicago Hope story would work! Mike: Fellas! I think you're... Tom: A final showdown between Marshall Dillon and the Shadows - that could work! So could a Petticoat Junction/Addams Family/Bonanza/West Wing story! Crow: Nah, Hoss would make a lousy Press Secertary! In any case, I think this Cops/Melrose Place/Powderpuff Girls/Worlds Most Dangerous Animals crossover is the height of bad taste. Tom: As long as there's a scene where Mojo Jojo rips out Heather Locklear's hair. Mike: Yoo-hoo! Guys? Tom: What about a Matrix/Mr. Belvedere/Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire/McLaughlin Report story? Crow: Maybe a Good Morning America/Late Night with Conan O'Brien/Pokemon/ Dateline crossover. Mike: Fellows! Tom: Hey! A Just Shoot Me/Road Rules/Crossfire/Josie and the Pussycats story might work. Crow: Sesame Street/Voyager/X-Files/Showgirls! Tom: Quantum Leap/Moonlighting/Barb Wire/Pop-Up Videos story! Crow: Godzilla/Sliders/Hong Kong Phooey! Tom: Fifth Element/Remington Steele/Alvin and the - Mike: GUYS!!!! Crow: Geez, Nelson, what is it?!? Mike: Do you know what you're doing?!? Tom: Yeah, naming random, weird-ass crossovers! Mike: Yeah, but you're also - I mean, LOOK!!! [Mike gestures at screen] [Cut to three guys sitting in front of a monitor. All are writing furiously in spiral notebooks. One is talking on a cell phone. The second wears glasses and a Radford U sweatshirt. The third wears a bright yellow trenchcoat. They are played by Patrick Brantseg, Brad Pitt and Paul Chapin, respectively.] Author #1: You see, the Prime Minister appoints a Cabinet of Ministers. Among the most important include Education, Finance, and International Trade and Industry, or MITI. As in - hold on, Bobo - [to the screen] I'm still listening, you guys, keep going - [back to phone] like I was saying, Bobo, as in a parliamentary system, the Cabinet consist of members of the party in the majority in the House of Representatives. Other functions of the national government are... [trails off into the background] Author #2: Yes, please go on. We're getting lots of wonderful new ideas. All I have to do is add a plucky young starship captain and I've got an instant masterpiece! This is great! Ooh! I can add in stockcar racing too...! Author #3: In dede so it's is, Meik of Neslon. you small rebit chims are fantasy of sorcis ides. [Subtitle appears reading: "Indeed it is, Mike. Your robot friends are a fantastic source of ideas."] [SoL] [The Bots are stunned into horrified silence. Mike is shaking his head ruefully] Mike: You guys know better than to give authors ideas! What were you two *thinking*?!? Crow: Oh, sweet baby Torgo - what have we done?!? Tom: Mike? Can you just - oh, I don't know - dump the two of us into a low Earth orbit so we can plummet through the atmosphere and burn up on re-entry? Mike: Oh, so I can face all that stuff alone? Nope! You're staying right here! Crow: Boy, Mike, sometimes you can be really selfish! [Lights flash] Mike: Hey, I'm not the one who - oh never mind, WE GOT MISERY SIGN!!! [Chaos ensues as Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike & Bots re-enter] Tom: It's just all about you, isn't it?! Mike: We'll settle this later. Now hush up and read. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > Mike: We now return to "Miserly Bittburg Kneepads for Couscous". >Data 11: The Solar Warrior's Origins > >The Solar Warrior had the attention of everyone at SDF HQ now. >He thus began to speak about his origins: > Crow: I was rocketed from a distant planet after my parents were killed by a mugger, then bitten by a radioactive spider which had been injected with the super soldier formula, and after I was bathed in electrified chemicals during a gamma bomb test while - Mike: Thank you, we get it. >"To begin my story, I must take you back tens of thousands of >years, even before the Moon Kingdom itself was founded. Tom: Back to when Strom Thurmond was still a young man. > It was >the time of the 'Golden Epoch,' an era of universal peace and >prosperity that existed long before the Silver Millennium. Mike: The fifties? > At >the heart of this Golden Epoch was the Solar Realm, Mike: When in Chicago, visit the Solar Realm - downtown! > a kingdom >that was governed on truth, justice and mercy. Crow: Those who dissented were boiled in corn syrup! Tom: Look! There's ReBob, Master of the Yards, doing a little jig in the background! Crow: Cool! Mike: Huh? Tom: You weren't here on that one, Mikey. > The Solarians >themselves lived in a pocket dimension that existed within the >Sun; Crow: Any relation to the Bellarians? Mike: Don't start. > my race was old when time was young. Mike: [Rei] So you invented time? What'd you do before? Tom: [Warrior] Eh. Hung out, ate, made hand puppets. Whatever. > Our ruler and god was >known as the Guardian of the Sun, but since our ruler was away on >a ten thousand year journey to acquire knowledge of the other >alien races that exist in this galaxy, Tom: Boy, that's a heck of a vacation! Crow: These acquisitions involved the vigorous trading of gunfire. > our kingdom was governed >by the Royal High Council,consisting of the High Priests of the >Sun. Mike: Along with the Vice President of Brewing Tea, and the Under-Secretary for Drying Tomatoes. > Law and order was maintained by the Holy Order of the Solar >Knights, and I, Nakajimi Tetsuo, Tom: The Sun Jerk! > was one of them. Crow: Back then, though, he was known as "Stinky". > I was born to >one of the most powerful families of the nobility; Mike: The Kennedys? > we ruled what >we had called the Planetary Province of Terra, what you call >Earth. Crow: Also known as the South Bronx of the solar system. > The Solar Realm consisted of all of your Solar System. The >Solar Knights were known for their even-handed administration of >justice and acts of chivalry. Mike: [Solar] Oh, wait, no. That was Camelot. We were a bunch of vindictive sun hicks drunk on power and jello shots. > Everyone who lived in our realm >was assured that no criminal would escape, no cry for help go >unheeded. Crow: [Solar] And they *bought* it! Man, the voters are morons... but what was I saying? Tom: Well what if the criminals cried for help? What then, Mr. Sun Jerk? Hmm? > Soon I was made the Exalted Commandant of the Solar >Knights, and I was set to marry the Crown Princess herself once >she and the Guardian of the Sun returned. > Mike: [Solar] Then I met this girl named "Pixley", and... >"However, that was not to be. One day, we were on routine patrol >near Pluto, when we received a distress call. Mike: Oh, no. Not the KAL flight again. > 'Help! We are >under attack!,' it went. Tom: The Golden Epoch folks weren't big on details, obviously. > Soon we heard a menacing voice. Crow: [Dennis] Oh Mister Wiiiiiiiiilson... > 'We >are the Mecha-Dominion! We will absorb your world into our >realm! Rebellion against us is useless!' Mike: I guess the Solar Realm will have to call its allies, the Jaborans and the Linkons to help them. Crow: Or they can make an appeal to that omnipotent race of aliens, the R Continuity. Tom: Perhaps they'll be saved by Captain Wanejay of the SSU Traveler! > We raced over to the >outpost, but saw that it was virtually destroyed. Crow: [Solar] But then we took off the VR helmets and saw it was perfectly all right. > We found a few >survivors. They told us that the Mecha-Dominion consisted of >cybernetic beings who implanted computer chip devices onto the >foreheads of those they conquered and made into slaves to serve >the Supreme Computer that governs their realm. Tom: Like those guys in "This Island Earth"? Mike: Paramount on Line three, Pete. > They were on >their way to Pluto. We had to stop them." > Tom: Pluto was where we kept the beer. Cause it's nice and cold. >"We called for reinforcements, and gathered our forces at Pluto. Tom: But that damn dog just kept barking and barking, so we drove over to Scrooge McDuck's place instead. >Soon we saw their vast armada: a vast fleet of ships without >number; Crow: They'd all been filed off. > ships that all looked the same and were all in the same >pyramidal shape. Mike: It's the evil Fnord armada! > We fought valiantly, but their weapons were far >too superior to ours. Crow: Our only hope was that a dog swallow them. Mike: Pluto? Crow: Forget it. > They had weapons that could destroy entire >planets and entire fleets of starships. Tom: *And* they had Alanis Morrisette CDs. Mike: We just had the ability to put the word "sun" in front of stuff. > Soon Pluto fell to the >Mecha-Dominion. Thus that was repeated with each planet. >Neptune fell, then Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Earth, Venus, >and Mercury. Tom: Huh, look, the galactic version of the NIRAA attack plan. > Finally, we made one last desperate stand at the >Sun. Mike: Which was a bad idea. We all burnt our feet. > However, the Mecha-Dominion Mother Ship fired a powerful >beam, collapsing the forecefield that kept our pocket dimension >inside the Sun in existence. Mike: [Solar] OK, so it was stupid place to leave a pocket dimension! We know that now. > All who were in there perished in >solar fire. Soon all save I were absorbed. Crow: [Solar] Good thing, too, because if you think *I'm* long-winded... > I managed to escape >by self-destructing my ship and hiding out in a cargo box. Mike: It's possible that when the box superheats to a million degrees and is thrown free of the explosion at the speed of sound only to gradually cool to absolute zero, he'll rethink the wisdom of this plan. Tom: [Mecha-Dominion] OK! Good work, people! Now let's go through the wreckage and salvage everything except that box that's screaming for its mommy. > I had >managed to take some provisions beforehand. Mike: This is gonna end with a can opener joke. Tom: Yup. I can smell it. Crow: The dope probably drilled air holes in his box before he remembered space was a vacuum! > I was in there for a >month until a squadron of the United Galactic Confederation >Defense Forces rescued me. Crow: Should we wonder why these guys didn't help them? Mike: Nope, I don't think so. Crow: Oh, ok. > They briefed me on what happened. All >but a remnant who managed to escape had been taken from every >planet in our realm. I was the only Solarian still alive. Mike: Aw! And they were the only people who cared one iota about your story, too! How unfortunate! > The >Solar Realm was no more, and I was the last Holy Solar Knight. Crow: So you can see how I must be your ally! Right? Guys? [Mike and Tom make snoring sounds of the Senshi.] > I >finally settled on the Moon--which even then had people on it-- Tom: Plenty of parking, and close to the interstate! >and settled with some survivors. Mike: It was great! Until we all died due to lack of air. > Back then, after the Mecha- >Dominion attack, each planet was governed under its own system of >government. Tom: Saturn's use of the "Rock Scissors Paper" government wasn't such a big success, though. Crow: *WILL YOU GET TO THE FLIPPIN' POINT ALREADY?!* Mike: Crow? There are more points on a ball of Play-doh, fella. Give it up. [Crow growls.] > Earth had fallen into anarchy and chaos, while >Mercury, Venus and Jupiter had become monarchies. Tom: Machiavelli's "The Prince of Space" > Mars, Saturn >and Pluto were republics while Uranus and Neptune had become >military dictatorships. Tom: Vulcan was an anarcho-capitalist syndicate, Tatooine had become a theocratic state, and Arakkis groaned under a Lynchocracy. > The Moon had become a republic with a >strong centralized system of government; Mike: And Triton was run by the winners of that week's episode of "Greed." > there was a powerful >president and an equally powerful parliament and high court. Mike: And soon after, Lunar bureaucrats, >Soon enough, the president had asked me to head the newly created >Lunar Republic Security Force. Tom: Your first assignment will be to *SHUT UP!* > I served in that capacity for >thirty years." > Crow: Which is not nearly as long as this exposition--PICK UP THE PACE!!! >"Then, one day, the long-absent Guardian of the Sun returned. >She stopped by the Moon and asked for me. Crow: [Guardian] Hey! Anybody seen the Sun Jerk? Oh, hey! So, I hear your entire race got wiped out. Bummer, huh? > I saw her at my office >in Tranquillity City, the capital of the Lunar Republic. I still >remember everything as it was yesterday. Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake, and there was not another car... o/~ Mike: TOM! Tom: What? Mike: No Meatloaf or Steinman, remember? Tom: But it was a perfect opening... > I remember when I first >saw her, she said, 'I know you carry a tremendous burden in your >heart. Tom: But fear not, Regis will return with all new episodes of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"! > I know you lost everyone you cared for. But I want to >make that up to you. Mike: [Guardian] Here's a coupon for a free Whopper combo meal. Welp! Gotta dash. > I am the Guardian of the Sun, who was once >the ruler of the now extinct Solar Realm.'" > Crow: Well, you did a real sucky job of guarding it, you know. >"I then asked, 'If you are her, then why did you abandon us?'" > Mike: [Guardian] I got tired of the constant yammering! >"She replied, 'I was seeking knowledge of all that live here in >the galaxy. Tom: You won't believe how many tuna casserole recipes there are out there. > But now I realize that I have been derelict in my >duties. If I had been here, I could have saved my people. Tom: [Guardian] So - oops. Crow: [Guardian] I would have put the word "sun" in front of something, and all would have been well! What, why are you looking- did you try that? > When >my daughter saw what happened, she killer herself. Mike: I'll bet she was. > I know that >you were going to be wed to her. I am sorry.'" > Mike: [Guardian] You lost a date, I lost a tax break. We both lose. No hard feelings, right? >"I felt such a great loss then. But then she pointed toward the >Earth and spoke further;" > Tom: Huh. I can see the Great Wall of China. And the Staten Island landfill. Cool. >"'Look at the Earth. Mike: But hurry! According to Edgar Cayce, it'll disappear after January 1st. > When my ancestors, Izanagi and Izanami, >created the Earth, the mud dripping from Izanami's spear created >those islands you see off the coast of East Asia. Crow: Australia? That's a mudpie that Izanami tried to convince Izanagi to eat. > On that >nation, the gods themselves took human form and decided to live >there. Crow: As all of the condos in Vail were already booked. > They call this land in their tongue Nihon, Tom: Since it was all they could pronounce while the land was on their tongue. > which means to >them the source of the Sun. Tom: o/~ And he shall be Nihon, and he shall be a good man... o/~ Mike: *That's* a stretch. Tom: This fic is laying waste to my soul--be grateful for what you get. > They are a vibrant people, Crow: And they paint with all the colors of the wind. > but the >lawlessness that permeates this planet threatens to overwhelm >them. Crow: If only we could create some ineffective superpowered prepubescent schoolgirls in low-cut costumes! That would set things right! > Already I have seen the terror that these anarchistic >humans do. I have visited this planet in many disguises. Mike: [Guardian] Once I wore a funny hat, and once I had a Fake moustache and glasses, and once I wore a Nixon mask, and... > In >Egypt I saw the natives there enslave another race called the >Hebrews who were fleeing from starvation. Crow: But this guy named Charlton Heston came along, and everything was okay. Until that whole thing with the golden calf, that is. Tom: Which plague were the Sailor Scouts, exactly? Mike: Probably between the frogs and first born, somewhere. > In the Western >Hemisphere I saw savage tribes cut out the hearts of other people >while they were still alive and offer them as gifts to their >gods. Tom: Hey, don't get down on the Quakers! > I have seen lawlessness and disregard for the rights of >others. I saw cruelty and disrespect and murder. Mike: But enough about New York City. > If this is >what the attack of the Mecha-Dominion has left, then it is time >to correct it.'" > Mike: So all the woes of humanity can be blamed on an extraterrestrial army? Cool. >"'By now you should know who I am. Tom: [Guardian] I'm Ellen DeGeneres, from TV's "Ellen." Surprised? You bet I was! > I am actually Amaterasu- >Omikami, the Great Heaven Shining Deity. I am the Goddess of the >Sun. Crow: [A-O] I live on a star. I carry moonbeams home in a jar. > I hereby say now that I will never again abandon my people. Mike: [A-O] Except... I gotta go put money in the meter. Tetsu, could you maybe watch the people for five minutes while I-? Tom: [Solar, present day] And that was twenty-nine centuries ago. >As for you, you can help me in this. Crow: [Guardian] I *want* to keep fighting for Earth's future, but to do that costs money! Your contribution of $100 or more can make such a difference in a child's life! > I will give you the power >to face these anarchists who wish to keep Earth in chaos. Mike: [A-O] And soon, that WTO convention will just be a bad memory. > I know >that you have developed a special affinity for these humans. Mike: Your human is always so tender and juicy! What do you do, baste it? >They need someone who will hear their pleas for help. Crow: Um, guys, I've forgotten - why is he telling us all this? Mike: Because the Lawndale Militia is - um, no that's not it. Tom: Oh, Daria's fighting the NeoZero thing and, um, and... [Long Pause] Mike: Look, let's just fake it, or Pearl may make us go back to the beginning and start over! > Whenever >the widowed and the orphaned are oppressed, whenever the less >fortunate are persecuted, whenever those who cannot speak or fend >for themselves need help, Tom: When you're down and troubled, and you need some lovin' care... Mike: When you're ready to admit you're *wrong*! > you will be there for them. Tom: [Henry Fonda] Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. > I will >make you immortal so that you can always watch over these humans. Crow: But there can be only one, so watch out for those MacLeod guys. >From time to time, I will change your appearance so that you can >walk among men. Tom: [A-O] Zap! Now you're a skinny little runt! Zap! Now you're a Sumo wrestler! Zap! Now you're Elle MacPherson! > I will send you down to Nihon and you will lead >these people through their transition to becoming a great >society. Tom: So Lyndon Johnson was a boring anime space twerp? > That way, never again will I leave my people helpless >without a savior to rescue them.'" > Tom: Unless the United States feels like bombing them. Crow: She later gave this same speech on "Chip'n'Dale's Rescue Rangers". >"With that, she bestowed upon me the powers I now have as the >Solar Warrior. Tom: So, you weren't born this annoying. That's what you're leading up to here. > After that, I left the Moon and arrived here in >Japan. Mike: [Solar] Oh, and it turns out I was responsible for that whole "eating raw fish" thing. Sorry. > As Amaterasu-Omakami herself said, I was given many >disguises over the millennia. I became Jimmu Tenno, the first >Emperor of Japan. Crow: [Solar, bragging] Rice paper? My idea. Pretty much. > Humanity has also known me by various other >disguises. I was once Saint George, the Dragon Slayer; Tom: That was when "slay" meant "to run in fear from". > King >Arthur of Britain; King Robert the Bruce of Scotland; Crow: King Bruce the Robert of Australia... > Sparticus >of Rome; Crow: [Solar] Note the prominent chin dimple. And my son is now doing Catherine Zeta-Jones! Not bad, huh? > Michael Collins of Ireland and most recently Steven Biko >of South Africa. Mike: So even the gods have attention deficit disorder? Tom: [Solar] Oh! And McGyver! Him too! > Whenever the masses were being persecuted, >there I would be, fighting to right injustice." > Tom: So all the good things about humanity are thanks to aliens, too. Who'd'a thunk it? Crow: Too bad you guys are all so weak and pathetic that you need the great *Solar Warrior* to watch out for you. Mike: I don't know about you guys, but suddenly I feel dirty. >"Eventually, the Mecha-Dominion attacked the Solar System once >again. Crow: [Mecha-Dominion] Aw, damn it! Humans again? I thought we sprayed last time! Tom: [same] Mm. Must've been hiding in the baseboard. > The attack was so devastating that finally Selene, Mike: Dion? > the >Greek Goddess of the Moon, decided that it was time to re- >establish a system-wide empire. Crow: That's right, no ancient mythology will be left unscarred! Marvel as Celtic pookas are revealed to be from the bionic chickens of Omicron Theta! > She took the best of her Amazons >and the best men of ancient Greece, and settled them on the Moon. Mike: Amazon Women on the Moon? Crow: Oh, the Non-Humanity! >Since this time, the Lunar Republic was obliterated, they had to >re-establish a nation there. Mike: OK! Let's knock that big black monolith down and start building us a Wal-Mart! > Thus it was that one of these >Amazons, Cynthia of Corinth, was wed to Telemachos, Tom: Telemachos: He Who Is Manly Over Great Distances. > son of >Odysseus, Tom: [deeply] Father of Kolos, friend to Braydor, keeper of the fabled Seven Rings of Doorimor... > and thus the Moon Kingdom was established and the >Silver Millennium was inaugurated. Crow: Kinda cheeky to name it when it's just starting. Tom: Yeah, what if the ju-ju-bees they planted won't grow in the harsh lunar soil? > From them descended every >ruler of the Moon Kingdom, even Queen Serenity. Mike: So the Sailor Scouts are all reincarnated Greeks? > During Queen >Serenity's reign there was another Mecha-Dominion attack, and I >was called to help in defeating them. We were successful. Tom: Wha- No details, no blow-by-blow account, just "We were successful"? Mike: Well, we've covered both ends of the spectrum. Crow: Oh well. Suspense is overrated, anyway. > A >year after, Princess Serenity was born, Tom: Imagination not being a requisite for queenship, apparently. > at the same time that >another person on Earth was: his name was Endymion, who was a >descendant of Roland, the nephew of Charlemagne, Mike: Brother of Arthur, sister of Orlando, dog of Tristam.... > who sounded his >horn too late in battle for help and was killed by the Saracens. Crow: Let's just throw a great big history text into the blender and see who *else* we can connect to this wretched plot! [Mike sighs, casually feels his pulse. He perks.] Mike: Hey, guys, check it out! I think the story actually *has* bored me to death! Look! Crow: Really? Let me see. [feels Mike's pulse] Hey, cool! So... why are you still talking? Mike: I must be having one of those "still-in-body" experiences. Tom: [sarcasm] Oh, sure, Mike! That's *exactly* what it is. Rube! Crow: Oh, come on, Servo. Don't speak ill of the dead. >His wife Aude went into labor and gave birth to his great- >grandfather; Aude then died from the shock of the news. Tom: After giving birth to her husband's great-grandfather? Who could blame her? > About >twenty years later, I paid a visit to the Moon Kingdom once >again, and I met him. Mike: He was good people! > I even introduced him to the Queen and >the Princess." > >"I don't have any recollection of meeting you then," Mamoru said. > Mike: [Solar] Hey! I'm trying to write myself into your continuity here, do you mind? >The Solar Warrior continued: > [All sigh deeply] >"That was because you knew me then as Haakon Norjal, a Viking who >had recently been converted to Christianity and was now using his >fighting prowess to help others. It was I who introduced you to >Usagi." > Tom: So the moon's basically just a huge cocktail party full of random historical figures? Crow: Pretty much, apparently. >"Now that you mention it, I do remember seeing a Viking that day >when I first met her," Mamoru confessed. Crow: But he was a linebacker, and you're more the wide receiver type. > "He said that he had >visited the Moon Kingdom many times over the past twenty years Mike: Had a lot of Cheech and Chong records playing, if you know what I mean. >and got to know the princess very well. Mike: Know in the biblical sense? > I think he said that >we'd make a good couple. I have to admit that back then, Usagi >wasn't as much as the airhead she still is to an extent." > Crow: She's gotten stupider? Mike: Well, that's true, I guess. >If Usagi was awake to hear that right now, she would have >blushed. Tom: Next week, on Hypothetical Embarrassment Playhouse! > But she was still resting from her recovery. > Mike: So she decided to wait until later to blush. >"So now you see," Tetsuo resumed, "I have been on your side all >along. Crow: Except perhaps for those years I spent as Phyllis Diller. > When I heard that the Moon Kingdom had been destroyed, I >was stunned. For centuries afterward, I prepared myself for the >day that I would see my old friends again. Crow: [Solar] I decided to lose weight and get a hair transplant. > When the Dark Kingdom >returned six years ago, I was ready, but then, I was commanded by >Amaterasu-Omikami to prepare for a threat to Japan even greater >than that. Mike: Layoffs at Sony! Tom: Jazzercise! > Little did I know that it would be the NIRAA. Tom: After all that poofy pseudo-mythology/fantasy stuff, hardcore Tom Clancy politics was kind of a change. > I >promised Amaterasu-Omikami that I would stop them. And I hope >now that I have earned your trust and can fight alongside you." > Crow: Well, if he's good enough for Dormamu-Omigodbecki, I guess he's good enough for the Sailor Scouts. Mike: [Solar] I have earned your trust, right? I mean, I'd hate to have to stand here and tell that story OVER and OVER and OVER again! >Luna was the first to speak: Tom: [Luna] Stone him! Stone him! > "We're sorry if we ever doubted >you, Solar Warrior. Mike: [Solar] YAH! Salem from "Sabrina"! Save me, Sailor Senshi! > On behalf of the entire Sailor Senshi, we'd >be happy to have you on our side." > Tom: Thus sayeth the talking cat. >Daria was so moved by the Solar Warrior's story that tears were >beginning to run down her face. > Mike: So who is this, and what has she done with the real Daria? Crow: [Daria] Moved, hell! This is boredom! >"I see you are moved by my tale, Daria. You are crying," Tetsuo >said,. > Tom: As previously indicated, yes. Crow: [Solar] I see my hackneyed, retconned mess of an origin story has touched your heart, Daria. Mike: [Daria] I was just thinking about that poor cargo box. Everything it ever knew is gone! >"No, I'm not," Daria answered. "But then again, you have moved >me. Tom: In fact, you've moved me clear across the room. Oh, look, here I go out the door! See ya never, Sun Jerk! > I must confess that ever since I first met you, I have drawn >strongly attracted to you. Mike: But unless you can draw Sparky, you won't be eligible for an exciting career as a graphic artist. > You're unlike any other guy I've ever >met. Crow: Can't argue there. > But I know that this cannot be. Tom: Um, why is she talking like that? Crow: Because this is a dub instead of a sub. > You see, I've got a guy >back home in Lawndale that I have a crush on named Trent Lane; if >only he'd know how I felt." > Mike: [Solar] Yeah, that's nice. Can we wrap this up? Crow: Perhaps if she tells every single person in the world, Trent will suck up the knowledge through osmosis! >"Daria," Tetsuo said, "Give it time. One of these days, he'll >tell you how he feels about you. Tom: Probably during a bitter divorce proceeding. > In this battle, we're fighting >for everyone we care about. Crow: Jack Narz, Bill Cullen, Bert Convy... everyone! > I know I am. I have a wife and son >back home in Narita that I'm fighting for. Mike: [Daria] You're MARRIED?! Tom: [Solar] No, Daria, baby! Our marriage is over! It's just a man can't leave his wife right when she's about to learn her husband's an immortal superhero sun jerk! > I'm fighting for >their future just as the Sailor Senshi are fighting for theirs. Crow: [Usagi, from hospital bed] Um- I'm fighting for hair gel? Tom: [Mamoru] Quiet, Usagi! No one asked you! >Remember, if we lose this battle, we lose everything we're >fighting for: freedom, security, and family." Mike: And a couple billion people'll die. But mostly family! > He then rested a >hand on Daria's left shoulder. "I can sense that you are a very >special person. Mike: He's breaking up with her already. Crow: Things Bill must have said to Monica at some point! > Use the talent that you have for good." > Crow: Use your gloominess for good! Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. And how will I recognize "good"? Tom: [Solar] Well, here's my hotel key... if you want a *personal* demonstration. Heh-heh. >Usagi was now beginning to stir. > Crow: Can I lick the bowl? Tom: I call the spoon! >"Uh, where--where an I?," she finally said. > Crow: Right after 'H' where it's always been. Tom: Nothin' new here. Mike: Nope! Looks like a typical school day for Usagi. Tom: She'll be leaping out of bed, looking for a bra any second now... >"It's all right, Usagi-chan," Rei said. "You're back. That's >all that matters." Crow: [Rei] Hey, guys! Our scapegoat's back! Mike: [Minako] Let's welcome her home by heaping a lot of shame on her! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Guests of "Lizard Lips Fish Cheese Meow Mix Precluded" stay at the Plaza Hotel! >Back at Lawndale High School, which was being used as the >headquarters of the Free Lawndalers, there was going to be a >reunion. > Crow: ["This Is Your Life"] Do you recognize this voice? Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BAST- ! Mike: [covering Tom's mouth] No. Enough. >Trent was with his sister Jane, waiting for Ami and Ms. Barch to >arrive with Quinn. > >"Janey," Trent said at last," I can't stand the waiting." > Tom: Well, the waiting is the hardest part, after all. >"It sounds like you really care for Quinn, doesn't it?," Jane >said. > Crow: Daria's not going to be happy to hear that. >"Yeah, well, after all, she is Daria's sister," Trent answered >her. "She may be ditzy but she's OK." > Crow: Kinda like Joxer. You know, from "Xena: Warrior Princess"? >Jane then said, "Trent, I know that you know that deep down in >your heart you really love Daria. Tom: [Trent] Yeah. I knew you knew I know. Mike: [Jane] Oh, Trent! I never knew you knew that I know you know! I feel so close to you right now! > So why don't you tell her that >next time you see her?" > Mike: [Trent] Uh, like, tell who what? >"But I don't know if there's going to be a next time," continued >Trent. "Most of Tokyo's been bombed out. I don't know if she's >alive or not." > Tom: [Trent] Plus, to be honest, I sorta got Star Spangled Banner groupies hangin' off each arm right now. >Jane could see that tears were beginning to roll down Trent's >usually calm face. Jesse went up to him. > Mike: [Jesse] Hey guys. They're passin' around the sign-up sheet for the "How many pieces of Daria will they recover?" pool. You better get in before all the high numbers are gone. >"There, there, man," Jesse said. "Things are going to be OK." > Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you *soooooooooo* much! I can't *tell* you *how* much better that makes me feel! >Trent finally broke down and admitted it: Crow: [Trent] I - I - I thought Jar-Jar Binks was funny! Tom: [Jesse] Dude! > "Man, I really love >Daria! Tom: [Trent] But since I can't be with the one I love... Jane- Mike: [Jane] Trent, even our family's not that twisted. > If she's gone, I don't know what I'll do with myself!" > Crow: Come on! There are plenty of things to do and see in *Lawndale!* Mike: Right! We can take in a football- um... Tom: Or take a tour of the Mayor's Offi- oh. Trent's right. This bites. Crow: Let's grab one o'them free rifles and teach some mailboxes the meaning of justice. >Jake and Helen couldn't help but hear that; they were a few feet >away. They both approached him. > Mike: So much for privacy. Crow: [Jake] Excuse me? Is this where everyone who's acting out of character's supposed to be? >"You know, Trent," Jake began, "You'd probably think I should be >telling you right now to stay away from my daughter. Tom: But seeing how she's dead... > But right >now, I'm beginning to see things in a different perspective. Tom: [Helen] What he means is he's hopped up on morphine. >Major calamities like this do that to people. Heck, I always >wanted to front my own rock and roll band, Mike: [Jake] We were going to call ourselves the Friendly Poodles, a kind of ska/punk/country thing. > but then my father >sent me away to military school. Crow: [chuckling] Yeah, right. He studied under Colonel Sanders! Tom: ROTC was "Roast Our Tender Chicken" > That was such a bummer." > Tom: What I'm saying is you can have my daughter if I can be in your band. >"Besides," Helen added, "I know you mother and father are pretty >good folks, even if your mother likes to listen to rap music when >she's making her pottery. Crow: [Trent] How do you know that? Tom: [Helen] Dah- well, she looks like the sort who would- Mike: [Jane] Are you that perv we saw peeking in the basement window?! > Besides, Daria says you have a pretty >good band. Crow: And when you're adequate musically, who cares about genital herpes? > Now if you had some good management and some good >legal representation, you'd be all set." > Mike: Never mind the crisis and the guns and the plane crashes- let's talk deal! >"You're not making a pitch to hire you as my lawyer, are you, >Mrs. Morgendorffer?," Trent said. > Crow: [Helen] No, Mr. Lane, I'm trying to seduce you. >"Not necessarily," answered Helen; "but it wouldn't hurt." > Mike: [Helen] By the way, you could use a new lead singer. I know this cute blonde girl that kinda looks like Gabrielle.... >It was then that Ms. Barch and Ami returned with Quinn. > >"Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer," Ami said, "I believe this is your >daughter." > Tom: No, that's Quinn *Mallory* from Sliders! Our daughter is Quinn Morgendorffer*, you dumpling-head!! Crow: Sally Field, in "Not Without Someone I Believe Is My Daughter"! >Quinn saw them and ran up to them, crying. They both hugged her. > Crow: [Jake] Wait, this girl's crying! Our daughter wasn't crying! What the hell you trying to pull here?! >"Oh, Mom! Dad! It was just horrible! Horrible!," she sobbed. > Tom: [Quinn] Their outfits! Horribly mis-matched! >"I know, dear, I know," Helen said. > Mike: [blubbering] But they were actually *watching* "The Man Show"! Tom: It's OK. It's over now. No more "Man Show". I promise. >Mr. DeMartino arrived. "I see you accomplished your mission," he >said to Ms. Barch and Ami. > Crow: [Barch] Yes, the one called Carrot Top is dead. >"Yes we did," Ms. Barch said, "and we asked for a female sheriff >to arrest those two scumbags Beavis and Butt-Head." > Crow: [Barch] We had to get one from two states away, but I think it'll be worth it. >"Still hostile towards men, I see," Mr. DeMartino said. > Mike: [Barch] Just the ones with Y chromosones. >"Just remember who it was who kicked your ass after you cut out >sports and clubs from the yearbook!," Ms. Barch warned. > Crow: [DeMartino] I know, and if I ever catch that darn Alicia Silverstone... Tom: [sighing] Petey me boy? Give it up, son. Mike: Yeah, cite all the trivia you want. You're still Daria-impaired. >"Let's go home now, Mom, Dad," Quinn said. "I want to get some >rest." > Tom: Yup! Sleep's just the ticket for kidnapping and sexual assault! >"Very well," Mr. DeMartino said. "Ms. Barch, Ami, Jane, you will >accompany them to their house and guard the premises. > >"You wouldn't mind if Jesse and I went along too?," Trent said. > >"At this point, I don't care," Mr. DeMartino said resignedly. Mike: Indifference is a rare quality in a patriot. >"As long as you help protect Quinn until we finally stop the >militia." > Crow: What the-?! Tom: So has Quinn become the Golden Child or something?! Mike: I'm not seeing DeMartino's face on the dollar bill any time soon. Crow: [DeMartino] Hey! You guys, crossing the Delaware? Come back, a pretty girl needs a ride home! >Thus Quinn, Jake, Helen, Jane, Trent and Jesse left for the >Morgendorffers' house. All: o/~ Over the piffle and through the plot, to the Eighty-Third Act we go! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Meanwhile, at some other random location. Crow: [gruff old man] That's not the Goodrich "Swiss Miss Busybody Free Block and Tackle". Goodrich doesn't have a "Swiss Miss Busybody Free Block and Tackle". >Beavis and Butt-Head were in a sheriff's department cruiser, >being taken to the county jail. Tom: Oh. Now see, this is the best part of the story yet. Crow: Wait- aren't they frozen? Mike: They must've popped them in the microwave at twelve minutes a pound. > They were handcuffed and in the >back seat, as was standard procedure. They were trying to get >out of their handcuffs. > Tom: I'd think they'd be more concerned about frostbite. >"Let us out of these! We didn't do anything!," Beavis said. > >"And I supposed the body of Tom Anderson in the county morgue is >still alive," the female sheriff's deputy replied. Crow: Yes, and it wants brains! All: Brains!!! Arrrgghhhh!! Brains!!! Brains!!! Arrrghhhh!!! > "You boys are >going to get the needle for this!" > Tom: [Beavis] Oh, joy! We can return to our macramé! >"Uh, don't you mean the chair?," Butt-Head asked. > >"No, I mean the needle. They use lethal injection now in this >state." > Mike: [sinister] They inject you into a Peter Guerin crossover! Crow: Oo, a slow, agonizing death! Tom: Talk about cruel and unusual... >"The needle! The needle! THE NEEDLE! THE NEEDLE!," Beavis said >over and over again. > Crow: Over and over again. Mike: Something that we're very used to today. >The deputy grabbed her can of mace and sprayed it on Beavis, All: Huzzah! Mike: I've been waiting years for someone to do that. Tom: Now, if they'd just throw Tom Green in there too... > who >went "AAAAAAAAAAA!" as the stuff stung his eyes like a thousand >devils. > Tom: [disgusted] Oh, he stole that from TV's Frank! Crow: How shameless! >"Shut up, the both of you, right now!," the deputy roared. > Mike: Or so help me I'll throw you right back in the story! >The car stopped at a red light. Beavis said, "I've gotta take a >whiz!" > Crow; Oh, no. Please don't drag him into this. Tom: Great. Billy Batson and these two are going on a tri-state crime spree. I can just see it now. >"You'll get a chance to go to the bathroom once we get to the >jail," the deputy said. > Crow: [Beavis] Shouldn't we stop at the hospital to treat our extensive frostbite and mace exposure? >"But I gotta go now!," Beavis said. > >"All right, all right, " the deputy said, "I'll pull over by >those bushes and you can go there. But no funny stuff, or I'll >shoot you ass!" > Mike: Ummmmm... Tom: I know, I know, it's in violation of every police procedure from here to Podunk, Mississippi. Just let it go! Mike: But it's just so - so - Tom: Mike, honey, you'll hurt yourself. Let it go. >They pulled over, and the deputy took Beavis to the bushes. She >undid the handcuffs. Tom: So Highland found someone *dumber* than Beavis and Butthead, and made'm a cop. > Beavis went and relieved himself. But when >the deputy came to put the cuffs back on him, he was nowhere to >be found. > Crow: [cop] Aw, what!? He's magically turned himself invisible! The fourth one this week! >"Beavis, you come back here!," the deputy said. > Mike: [cop] You're as elusive as Robert Denby! >Beavis suddenly leapt out of nowhere, Tom: [Beavis] Oh, okay. Darn. Didn't work. > grabbed the mace from her, >and sprayed it in her face. Crow: [Cop] Ahhhh!!! That's CK-One, not mace! AHHHH!!!!! > She was sent howling as Beavis got >into the cruiser and drove off. > Tom: She lacks the quiet competence of your Barney Fife. >"Hey, great going, Beavis!," Butt-Head said. > >"Yeah, now we're going back to Lawndale and we're going to pork >that bitch Quinn for what she did to us!," replied Beavis. > Mike: After all, they are in an inconspicuous stolen police car, surely they can make it unspotted! Tom: Yeah! Hey, do the siren! Cool! Crow: Y'know, there's just no way around it - those two just aren't good people. >"Hey, Beavis," asked Butt-Head, "are you going to get me out of >these cuffs?" > Crow: [Butthead] These manacles are most unbecoming. >"I will soon, asswipe!," shot back Beavis. "Just don't go postal >on me!" > Crow: [Butt-head] Darn! Just when I had the stamp meter, too! >They drove in excess of 120 MPH as they headed for Lawndale. Mike: [Lawndale militia] Oh, look! A police car from another county driving into the heart of town at dangerous speeds! Let's wave! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >The Lawndale Militia's trial against the city government was >continuing. Mike: And now, an excerpt from that trial. > Already quite a few accusations--most of them >groundless--were made. Crow: But the one about the mayor's passion for stock car racing was dead on! > The city judge, Crow: o/~ Who held a gru-u-u-u-u-udge... o/~ > for instance, was accused >of taking bribes from the Sierra Club so that he could rule in >favor of them in a lawsuit brought up by a property rights group >in regard to conservation easements at a park that had a known >endangered species of butterfly. Mike: In reality, he was just taking bribes from the local day care center to keep quiet about their child labor factories. > The city council was accused of >giving taxpayers' money to a private company that was developing >an industrial park in the northwest corner of town. Mike: Aw, c'mon, we need a place for young businesses to go and play on the slides and swings and teeter-totters. Crow: Anybody else see a paradox in the last two charges? Tom: Absorption deflectors, Crow. > In one >outrageous charge, the mayor was accused of bringing welfare >recipients from New York City in to Lawndale so as to drive down >property values, Mike: It's Lawndale! How much lower can they really go? > and was even accused of trying to turn over law >enforcement to the UN Peacekeeping Forces. Tom: Nonsense! He just ordered the black-painted traffic helicopter to circle Helen Chenowith's house a few times. > But it was only to >get even more ridiculous. > Tom: For the third time, Peter manages to sum up his story in a single concise sentence. >Anthony had the mayor on the witness stand. He was now saving >his best for last: > Mike: Oh, his Elvis impression! This rocks, check it out! >"Mr. Mayor, is it not true that as recently as this past August Tom: ...you were seen naked beneath your clothes? >that you were having an affair with a certain Ms. Quinn >Morgendorffer, whose only 14 years old, for God's sakes?" > Tom: [Mayor] I can't help it! She looks just like that Gabrielle chick on Xena! >"That is not true!," the mayor said. "I only saw the person in >question once. Crow: And it *was* kinda dark in that closet... > She and the others in her organization, the >Lawndale High School Fashion Club approached me about selling >raffle tickets door to door during Halloween weekend. Mike: [Tony] Don't you have a secretary for that? Tom: [Mayor, sighing] That's what *I* said. > I did not >have an affair with her, and that did not affect my decision to >grant the permit." > Tom: But the photos certainly did! >"I have this picture that proves otherwise, Mr. Mayor," Anthony >said. He held up a photo of him and Quinn at some restaurant. > Mike: Oh, no, it's Hardee's ! [All shudder.] Crow: Ergh! Go ahead, execute him! It'd be a mercy killing. >"That picture is being taken out of context," the mayor said. Crow: [Mayor] She'd lost peas down her blouse, and I was trying to help out. >"We were discussing the proposed permit and the route they were >going to take through town. Tom: Mayor, there's such a thing as being *too* detail oriented. > You're blowing this all out of >proportion!" > Mike: Well, you're a politician. You're used to it. >"I've heard enough from you!," Anthony said. "I now hereby order >the jury to deliberate this case! Crow: [juror] Um- what case? Tom: [same] Was there a case going on? We thought this was the reading room. > Until they reach a verdict, we >stand at recess!" Crow: Yeah! Recess! > He banged the gavel and the jury retired to >deliberate. > Mike: [juror] Aw, man, he never even called a slinky blonde in a funeral veil as a witness! >Somehow, the verdict was known in advance, but they wanted to >have the illusion that they were haggling over it for some time. Tom: The one lesson learned from the OJ trial. >Therefore, it took three hours of debate before they stopped for >the night. Tom: Three hours. And they already knew what the verdict would be? Crow: Just be glad he left out that part. > By the morning, the fate of the city government would >be known. Tom: That's when the statute of limitations on the graft indictments expires. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Usagi was feeling better now. She got up in a sitting position >and was being briefed on the situation as it now stood. > Crow: [Luna] OK, here's a map of the damage, color coded to show which of your shortcomings was responsible. >"Right now," Luna said, "everything looks bleak. Every ward in >Tokyo has at least 45% damage. Mike: "45%"? Did Japan put one of those video game damage meters over each city? > Ruptured gas mains are causing >even more fires than the actual bombings. Many SDF and American >military bases have been bombed as well. Tom: They're hitting The Officer's Club pretty hard. Mike: [Luna] An' I'm pretty bombed myshelf! *hic!* > Even now the President >of the United States is considering sending in troops to stop the >attacks, but he's facing considerable opposition from Congress. Tom: They're using opposing polls. Mike: [politician] *My* constituents *like* the death plane! Crow: It's still just the one plane, right? >Our Prime Minister is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting even >as we speak. The situation is desperate." > Tom: But not serious. >Matters were not helped when NHK presented this special bulletin: > Crow: [NHK] Japan burns while Sailor Scout watches television! >"This just in from Lawndale, USA. Tom: Armed teenagers run rampant! Mike: Authorities perplexed! Who would give guns to schoolkids? > A trial is being held by the >Lawndale Militia against the government of that city. Crow: This is so much better than broadcasting the locations of emergency shelters, or where to find fresh water! > The >government's been accused of bribery, corruption, embezzlement >and a litany of other charges. Crow: Wait, this isn't news - it's just a day at the office For most local governments! > The jury is supposed to render >its verdict in the morning. NHK will update this situation when >we receive more information." > Mike: Meanwhile in Springfield, USA, the local film festival is underway, with special judge, Jay Sherman. Tom: In Mayberry, USA, tensions mounted as Ernest T. Bass continued his window-breaking spree. Crow: And in New York City, USA, Fran Fine announced her engagement to Mistah Sheffield, then laughed maniacally. >Daria realized that she had to get back to Lawndale--and fast. [Mike and the bots rise to leave.] Mike: [Daria] The plane crash is one thing, but I will *not* stand for having our mayor indicted on the wrong charges! Tom: How will a hunger strike help? >----------------------------------------------------------------- [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The Bridge] [Mike is strapped into an electric chair. He's not afraid, he's just annoyed. A large switch is on the table, and Crow is cackling with both hands around it.] Mike: Crow? Crow: Huh? Oh, sorry Mike. I just happened to come across this neat lever I hadn't noticed before. Cool huh? What's up? Mike: Well, I just sat down in this chair I've never seen before, lowered this metal cap onto my head, started securing the straps so I couldn't get out when it occurred to me! Why am I doing this? Crow: Beats me. Oh, I cannot *wait* to throw this baby and see what it does! [Light flashes.] Mike: Hey! The Castle's calling! Crow: Right! I'll get it right after I throw this- [CUT abruptly to Castle Forrester.] [There is a kid's party going on. Many six-to-eight year olds with party hats cavort around a morose Brain Guy, who is also wearing a party hat. There's also a tiny little one attached to his brain. Pearl, with a red fire hat, talks to the camera.] Pearl: Nel-sore! No time for niceties. It's Bleach-head's birthday here, so we got a party with all the creepy neighborhood kids. And I want *you* to watch and observe and see how *normal* people can go five minutes without some vaguely amusing happenstance coming in and screwing everyone's plans up! Observer: I don't see why *I* have to be the one subjected to this indignity! It's *much* more Bobo's style! Pearl: I know, but we can't pry him off the phone. [Bobo wanders in, still talking] Bobo: [on phone] Really? That's quite fascinating, Pete. Look, it's getting kind of late and I - no, I've never considered the role of interest-free checking in modern Japanese society. It's - oh, you can tell me all about it. [dully] Great. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [He wanders out] Pearl: Oooooh, we need to get going. Where's that party clown, dammit?! Domino's promised they could deliver a clown in 30 minutes or less! Observer: Well, I'm sure he's just being extra careful- [Suddenly we hear the whine of jet engines descending from above] Observer: Surely we must admire a party clown for being extra careful...[the noise increases] Obeying the speed limit... stopping at the yellow lights to ensure a safe... [He and Pearl have to cover their ears from the noise] MY GOD, DUCK! [Brain Guy and Pearl jump off-screen. Bursting through the wall, spreading debris throughout the castle, is the nose of a fighter jet. The cockpit opens, and up pops a feisty female clown in a leather jacket with flight goggles.] Clown: [shaking fist] SEE YOU IN HELL, BIRTHDAY BOY! [The kids cheer.] [SoL] [Everyone's in party hats. Mike's still in the chair.] All: Yerko! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: *Yerko?!* Yerko: Yerko the Clown to you, whale meat! Now we discuss- *your bill!* Child 1: You're funny, Yerko! Yerko: Silence, vermin! Now then. You will pay me half now- Pearl: Uh-huh. Yerko: And the other half up front. Observer: Oo. Yerko: Then another half before the show. Pearl: Really? Yerko: And a final half, in advance. [Pearl reaches into a pocket and takes out a fistful of bills.] Pearl: Uh-huh. Well I did have this money I was saving to buy Brain Guy an intimate lunch with Molly Ivins, Lars Erik Nelson, and Tom Friedman- Yerko: [snatching money] Thank you, no refunds! Observer: [crestfallen] But-but-but... Molly! [Yerko turns to children.] Yerko: OK, vermin! Yerko chooses to do magic! The mysterious wonder that is the disappearing greenback! Does anyone have a fifty dollar bill? Observer: Well, I... if it's necessary for the trick- Yerko: Absolutely! [Observer warily produces a fifty. Yerko snatches it and stuffs it in her pocket.] Yerko: [contemptuously] Dah-dah! Child 2: Wow! It's gone! Yerko, do it again! Yerko: NEVER!!! Observer: Now, there's no reason to yell at the Child. Yerko: You *dare* give an order to Yerko the Clown?! You chalk-face mistake of evolution! I should rip out your tongue and use it as a kitchen sponge! Get me a beer! Observer [indignant]: Now-now-now see here madam! It is inappropriate for a children's clown to- [Yerko pulls the party hat from Observer's head, stretching the elastic. She unsheaths a bowie knife from her belt, and inserts it point-outward into the hat. She then lets go, and the hat snaps against Brain Guy's face. He howls and falls off-screen. The kids cheer.] Yerko: [at Brain Guy] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARD! [Pearl addresses the camera.] Pearl: Mike? This never happened. Go be miserable and unfunny for a half-hour while Yerko and I have a heart-to- heartless. [puts arm around clown] Did I mention I've got a new way to get thirty of you guys in a car? [SoL] [The chair is now empty, except for a pile of smoking ashes. Crow is examining the chair, perplexed.] Crow: Gosh. Never thought it'd do *that*. [Mike enters, eating a Rice Krispies Treat.] Mike: Num. Hey Crow. So what did that lever do? Crow: Activated the ship's incense dispensers! See? Mike: [inhales] Mm! Jasmine! [Lights flash, buzzers sound.] Mike: AHHH! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN! [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins again.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike, Tom and Crow enter and take their places.] Crow: Wow, the whole theater smells like Jasmine. Tom: I wonder if we have a pine scent dispenser out There too. >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 12: A Desperate Teleportation > Mike: The long waited sequel to "Dangerous Liaisons." >Daria approached Usagi. "Usagi, are you feeling OK now?," she >asked. > Crow: [Usagi] Yeah, I can hardly feel the steel pins in my spine. >"I think so," replied Usagi. "Why?" > Crow: [Daria] I kind of enrolled us in something. We're in a contest to see who can ballroom dance for the longest time. Tom: [Usagi] Daria! We're trying to save the world here! Crow: [Daria] We get a toaster oven if we win. Tom: A toaster oven?! Damn! Let me get my shoes! >Daria answered, "I need to get back to Lawndale right away. Crow: My sister is telling my friends I have a moustache! >Things are getting out of hand there, and I'm the only one who >can fix it up." > Mike: Seeing as there's no army anymore. Clinton blew the Whole military budget on his "Bimbo-of-the-Month" club! Crow: Daria once negotiated a peace treaty between Lawndale Militia and the Zoning Board. >"I do have a new power that I was given recently," replied Usagi; Tom: I call it "telling you where you can stick it". >"it's the Moon Teleportation Power. That might get you there >quickly." Mike: [Usagi] Or it could kill you slowly and horribly. Let's give it a whirl. > >"Usagi," Luna warned, "you're still not completely recovered from >your injuries. You need to get some rest." > Crow: [Usagi] No! I swore I would not rest! Tom: [Luna] When? Crow: [Usagi] Well, I'm Japanese. I must've, at some point. >"Right now, Daria's family might be in danger, and we've got to >help her," Usagi said. "Besides, we don't know if Ami survived >the crash or not. We could at least see if she's all right." > Tom: [Usagi] And I can see if I can borrow that really cute green sweater from her. >Luna by now realized that it was useless to argue with Usagi when >she was determined to do it her way. > Crow: She's a Burger King girl. >"Very well," Luna said, "but don't overdo it. You lost a lot of >energy when you were shot down." > Crow: Yeah, dying really takes it out of you! >Gen. Torymura overhead what was said. "If you're going to go >back, don't stay too long, since Yoriko could be back at any >moment." > Tom: [Toymura] But not to worry! You go put the welfare of two or three crooked pols over my whole country! I'll wait! >"We won't be gone long. You have my word," Daria said. > Crow: [Usagi] What's this "we" stuff, Gai-jin? >Usagi got up and grabbed her old Moon Scepter with the Silver >Imperium Crystal in it. Mike: Where'd she grab it from? Tom: No one knows for sure, but there have been rumors... > "Grab onto the handle of the scepter >with me," Usagi said. Tom: Careful, though - you're also grabbing the handle of every scepter she's ever wielded. Mike: We are getting into a whole weird area here. > "Once I say 'MOON TELEPORTATION >ACTIVATION!,' we'll simultaneously be sent over to where you want >to go. Crow: [Usagi] Or the head of the bed will rise. Sorry, I kinda crossed wires with the Craftmatic, unfortunately. > The Silver Imperium Crystal will read your thoughts and >take you to your destination." > Mike: So how will a trip to the Mall of America help things? Tom: Or you can just click your heels three times. That might work. >"Wouldn't it be just easier to use the three sliders Scotty >always used on the transporter on 'Star Trek'?," Daria replied. > Tom: [Scotty] Ach, we canna do it, Daria! We've got ta have more time! Ye canna change th'laws of physics! >"Daria, please spare me your flippant attitude right now!," said >Usagi in disgust. > Crow: Wow, being almost killed makes ya moody! >Usagi and Daria grabbed onto the Moon Scepter. It began to glow. [Crow starts wheezing desperately. Tom makes a rapid beeping sound.] Mike: [Usagi] Oh, I forgot my roommate Mr. Osaka has a pacemaker! Sorry Mr. Osaka! [Crow gives a death rattle, Tom flatlines.] >Usagi got an image in her mind as to where Daria needed to go. > Crow: They're going to the Gap! Mike: I'm thinking the little Sailor Scouts room. Tom: Forget it. They're gonna wind up in a cheap Vegas motel with a $50 gigolo. >"All right, here goes nothing!," Usagi said. "MOON TELEPORTATION >ACTIVATION!" > Crow: Idiopathic Plot Convenience, Away! Tom: Bamf! >Almost at once, it seemed that Usagi and Daria vanished in a beam >of light. > Crow: o/~ Quicker than a ray of light! o/~ Mike: [Mamoru] Huh. Hope they're not barbecued. Tom: [Rei] No, remember my grandfather? Much different smell in the air. >"Good luck, Usako, Daria," Mamoru said to himself. "I think you >will need it." Crow: [Mamoru] So! Shall we watch more of the death plane? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: [Charlie] Now they work for me. My name, is "Misanthrope Blasphemy 'Me' Decade Popsicle". >Almost instantaneously, Usagi and Daria arrived in Lawndale. > Tom: Bamf! Crow: [muttering] Fanbot. >"So this is Lawndale," Usagi said. > Tom: He hasn't come. Crow: Why hasn't he come? Tom: I baked this cake for him. >"Yep, it's my little slice of Hell," Daria said. > Mike: You're moaning to the wrong audience, Daria. >"Why is everything so quiet?," Usagi wanted to know. > Crow: It's our special radar-absorbing hull. It deflects noise! >Suddenly, two Lawndale Militia soldiers saw them. > Mike: Whoa, where'd they come from? Tom: Let's just assume Daria and Usagi didn't notice them until now. >"KILL THEM!," one of the soldiers screamed. > Crow: Look, two teenage girls in short dresses! EVIL! EVIL! Tom: [commercial friend] Gosh, Keith! Why so tense? Mike: [same] Have you consider switching to... a decaffeinated coffee? >The other soldier fired his AK-47 at them. > Crow: [first soldier] Dude! I was just kidding! Chill out! >"Not exactly the kind of welcome you usually get here," Daria >stated, Tom: Usually, they use the Glocks. > "but right now, my best advice to you is to run like >Hell." > Tom: [Daria] Oh, wait, you've been filled with machine gun fire. Well, my second best advice is to lie there and provide a breeding ground for fly larvae! >They both did. The soldiers pursued them. Mike: Hey, she's running away! Usagi has a learning curve! I wouldn't have guessed! Tom: Yup, bullets are the rolled-up-newspapers of the Sailor Senshi world. Crow: She won't do *that* again. > Suddenly, someone >jumped out of nowhere and threw a grenade at them, All: Al Franken? > blowing them >up to pieces. > Crow: [rising to leave] Well. Killing off your two heroines seems an odd way to end your story. But as long as it's over! Mike: [putting hand on Crow's shoulder] I think he may mean the soldiers, Crow. Wait it out. >"Take that, bastards! See you in Hell!," the young lady >screeched. Tom: YERKO! Um- isn't it? Crow: Mmmm, not with the lower case letters. Probably a niece or something. > She looked rather bizarre with her heavy eyeliner and >was obviously drunk. > Crow: Neve Campbell, no! >"Who are you?," Usagi asked. > >"That's Andrea, our resident Goth girl. You know, she's into >Marilyn Manson and all that," Daria replied. > Mike: [Andrea] Actually I'm more retro-new-wave? Depeche Mode, Joy Division, The Smiths, that sort of thing? >"Hey, Daria," asked Andrea, "when did you join the Navy? Tom: [Daria] I guess the call of the sea has always been my secret muse. That and I pulled the wrong Japanese cat tail. > And >who's the ponytailed wuss with you?" > Crow: Eh. Some German art dealer. Calls himself Gunter. >"I beg your pardon," Usagi said. > Crow: [Andrea] Tut tut, my dear lady. It is I who must beg your pardon for my churlishness. >"I didn't join they Navy, Andrea," Daria said. "It's supposed to >be a Japanese schoolgirl's uniform, except that this is a >superheroine's outfit. Tom: [Daria] You can tell the difference because mine's more buttfloss than clothing. > Andrea, this is Sailor Moon, and I'm >supposed to be Sailor Mercury. Crow: [Daria] I know, I'm not buying it either. But that's our premise and we've got to run with it. > I came over here to stop the >Lawndale Militia from destroying our town." > Mike: [Daria] But from the look of things, I don't see why I can't just join in on the fun myself. >"Well," Andrea said, "Mr. DeMartino has organized a resistance >unit and we're fighting back. Crow: She's a very lucid drunk, I must say. Tom: Mm. She might have Dylan Thomas disease. > Not only that, those two dolts >Beavis and Butt-Head went after your sister." > Mike: Isn't that *great*?! >"They did?," asked Daria. > All: Surprise. Shock. Horror. >"Luckily, Ms. Barch and Ami rescued her," replied Andrea. > >"When you said Ami," Sailor Moon said, "did you mean Mizuno Ami? Crow: No, she meant *Bon* Ami - the cleansing powder that wipes away crime as quick as it does stains! >She's a friend of mine. She's kind of short with short black >hair in a bob cut." > Crow: Point of order! Ami has blue hair... >"Yeah," admitted Andrea, "that's what she looks like." > Crow: Except for the wrong colored hair and all... Mike: Crow, let it go. No one cares. >"Where is she?," Sailor Moon asked her. > Mike: She's in a better place now...St. Olaf! >"She's over at Daria's place," replied Andrea. Tom: The 10 Spot? > "She went with >her parents, Trent and Jane Lane, Jesse Moreno and Ms. Barch to >protect Quinn in case Beavis and Butt-Head attack again." > Crow: [Andrea] Yeah, because we don't have anything better to do than guard some little bubblehead while the town burns. Mike: When people are increasingly vigilant after someone's arrested, it's not exactly a ringing endorsement of your police force. >"We're there, dude," Daria said. > >"Huh?," Sailor Moon asked. > >"That's a phrase I picked up from those two," Daria added. > Tom: Probably not the only thing she's picked up from them... >They left right away for Daria's house. Crow: She wades through another pointless scene! o/~ La la, LA la-la! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Quinn was in the shower at her house. Tom: Nah. This can't be good. Mike: Nope. If film's taught us anything, it's that nothing good ever came of a shower. > For the first time, she >was real worried for her sister. Tom: [Quinn] I hope she doesn't forget to bring me that kimono... > She didn't know if she was all >right. Crow: But then, she also didn't know where toothpaste came from. > "If she makes out all right from all this, I promise I >won't deny that she's my sister ever again," she was saying to >herself. > Tom: [Quinn] Because I plan to run away and change my name! Mike: [Quinn] I swear I will not rest until I promise I won't deny it! >Unknown to her, though, was at that very moment, Beavis and Butt- >Head were pulling right up to her house. Tom: [Helen] Honey, there's a police car outside! They're probably collecting for those poor bastards who shot that viscous unarmed criminal kingpin, Abner Diallo. > They got out of the >sheriff's cruiser that they had commandeered. They got out and >kicked in the door. > Crow: It was the cellar door, and they soon absconded with Helen's prize-winning gooseberry preserves! >"WHERE'S QUINN?," Butt-Head roared. > >Ms. Barch heard what was going on, and took her rifle, firing at >them. > Mike: Shoot first, ask questions never! >"Get out and stay out!," she yelled. > Tom: Live free or die! Crow: Escape to Wisconsin! >However, Beavis leapt right back inside and sprayed her with >Mace. Mike: Hate to *blind*-side you! Tom: You have nothing to *tear* but *tear* itself! > She was sent yelping in agony. > Mike: Jeez, it's like only the bad guys know how to aim in this 'fic. >"Get out of our way, bitch," Beavis roared. Crow: That's MIZ Bitch to you, bunghole! > Everyone else heard >what was going on and raced to the door. Mike: [Helen, crying] My door! My precious door! Speak to me! > Butt-Head was running >up the stairs with Jake pursuing him. > Crow: Where did he come from....Oh forget it, I give up. >"Hey, you! Get out out my house right now!," Jake yelled. > Tom: [furious] That door was *three days from retirement!* >Butt-Head took the billy club that he had taken from the front >seat of the sheriff's cruiser and hit Jake over the head with it. Mike: He coulda said "Boo!" and he'd've got the same effect. >Jake fell backwards down the stairs. > >"JAKE!," Crow: AND THE FATMAN! > Helen screamed. > Crow: So the part of the story in Japan is pointless and mind- numbingly boring, while the part in Lawndale is pointless and violently repulsive. Mike: Apparently. Crow: Okay. Just making sure. >Butt-Head went to the bathroom and kicked in the door. Crow: His uncanny "Puma Sense" told him where she was! > Quinn saw >what had happened and screamed "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" > Crow: I wanna know when these two got so powerful. Mike: Well, they don't use their brains for anything else. >"WE'RE GONNA SCORE WITH YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU >BITCH!," Tom: Hey, Pete! Get a thesaurus, dammit! C'mon! Mike: I'm not sure "bitch" made it into Roget's, Tom. > Butt-Head yelled as he dragged her by the hair >downstairs. He flung her on the couch. > Crow: Mike, I know it's wrong to single out any one impossibility here? But as a sheer practical matter, both these goobers would be struck dumb the minute they saw her nude! Mike: Mmm... I prefer to be perplexed by Butt-head's sudden upper body strength. >Beavis maced Jake and Helen, sending them screaming in agony with >Ms. Barch. Mike: Right about now I'm thinking being maced might actually lift my spirits a little. > Ami, Jane, Trent and Jesse all ran over to the living >room. > Mike: Hey, look, "Greed" is on! >"Hold it right where you are!," Ami screamed. > Mike: Can I see your permit for that mace? >"After we're done porking Quinn, we're gonna pork you, Jane, and >Ms. Barch," Beavis said. Tom: I'd make a comment about "the other white meat", but I'm already microns away from losing my lunch! > He then dropped his shorts. Tom: Well, that's it - I lost my lunch! Crow: Where'd you have it last? Tom: If I knew, it wouldn't be lost, now would it? > Quinn >screamed, "SOMEONE HELP ME!" Tom: One of you people in the room, for instance! That would be a positive step forward! > Beavis was about to drop his briefs >when someone yelled, "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BASTARDS!" > Mike: Look! It's Jay and Silent Bob! Tom: They probably came to Lawndale to pick up some chicks, figuring that the war zone would make chicks horny. >Beavis and Butt-Head turned around and saw Sailor Moon, Daria and >Andrea standing in the front doorway. Sailor Moon began her >introductory speech: > Mike: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, Members of the 105th Congress, Friends, Romans, Countrymen... >"I am the pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love >and justice! Crow: And pinochle! I rule, man! > In place of the Moon, I will punish you!" > Tom: Wow! Finally some dramatic tension. Crow & Mike: What!? Tom: Well, on the one hand I'd like to see the moron twins beaten to a bloody pulp. Crow: I can see that. Tom: And on the other hand, there's the chance of Sailor Moon getting a face full of mace. >Butt-Head stood there speechless for a second. Then he said, >"WHOA! Beavis, look who's here!" > Tom: [Beavis] A lazy slothful schoolgirl who's failing geography! >Beavis saw who it was, then they began their chant of "DIARRHEA, >CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA!" It >went on for five minutes. > Mike: Quinn slowly gets up, looks at them weirdly for a bit, grabs some clothes, and they all leave the house shaking their heads. >"How dare you interrupt me when I'm giving my introductory >speech!," Sailor Moon said. > Mike: I'm surprised no one's ever done it before. Crow: Japanese criminals have a highly developed sense of etiquette. Tom: Yep. The speech was much more important than stopping a rape. Yep. Crow: [Usagi] To continue. [Ahem] I have a dream... >"Sailor Moon, those two are Beavis and Butt-Head," Daria said. Crow: They make their own gravy! >"I know those two from when I used to live in Highland. Crow: [Daria] In fact, I'm one of their spin-offs. > They're >two stupid, trouble-making jerks. Tom: Kidnapping... Crow: Rape... Mike: Murder... Tom: Yup, I'd say that qualifies as 'trouble-making jerks'. > They make the students at >Lawndale High look good. I'll take care of this." > Mike: [Daria] I'll just do a Harry Mudd on them! Guys? Everything I say is a lie. I am lying right now. Got that? Guys? Look, stop raping my sister and listen to me, damn it! >Daria went up to them and said, "Beavis and Butt-Head, if you >rape my sister, I swear to God I will not rest until I hunt you >down, rip your heatrs out, cook them on a skillet Tom: -place them back in your chests, sew the wound back up, set you up an I.V. drip, go down to the store, buy some seltzer, come back, watch "Inside Politics", check on your blood pressure, buy you both burritos... > and make you >eat them." > Mike: With Corn... chiles... onions... *sigh* chicken... peppers... >Beavis said, "Fuck you, Diarrhea!" and dropped his briefs. Crow: The only way "brief" relates to this story! > "I've >got a king-sized stiffie!" > [Various retching sounds] Crow: I want to scrub my brain clean now. Tom: Me too. Mike: Me three. >"With you, you need an electron microscope to see it!," Daria >said, then grabbed Beavis by the scruff of his neck and flung him >across the room. > Mike: So! Anyone want to grab that rifle? Or the mace that's flying from his hand? Crow: Superheroes, any celestial magic words you wanna contribute? No? Well that's fine, don't worry about it. >Butt-Head ran up to Sailor Moon, ripped her seirafuku blouse in >half and had her in a chokehold. Tom: So the "ripped clothing" subplot is still in effect. Mike: Ye gods. Dr. Smith fights better than these girls do. > "You're going to let us go with >Quinn or I'll kill Sailor Moon here!" > Crow: If they're just gonna keep standing around until someone starts choking 'em, I say let them die! Tom: The losers cull the weak Sailor Senshi from the herd... >Ami knew that her best friend was in danger. But what could she >do? > Mike: Er, use your superpowers? Or maybe something mindlessly violent and extravagant? >Beavis got up, grabbed Quinn violently from the couch and was >taking her down the hallway. Jane grabbed a nearby fire poker >and ran down the hall. Tom: Poker? I hardly even kn- Mike: Context, Servo. Tom: Gah! You're right! > She hit Beavis over the head with it. All: Yeah! >Quinn ran away, screaming. > >"RUN, QUINN!," Jane yelled. Mike: Um, she kinda already is, Janey. Tom: Once again, we see a clear-cut example of effect and cause. > Quinn ran down the street, not >caring that she was stark raving naked. > Crow: 'Stark raving naked'? Tom: How about 'nude as a church mouse?' >"You'll pay for that, you bitch!," Beavis said, slapping Jane >across the face. > Tom: It's moved into a "Three Stooges" homage at this point. Mike: Okay, I get it now. Beavis and Butthead have been replaced by libidinous cyborgs from the future who are impervious to pain, right? >Helen was the first to recover from her macing. She got up and >ran towards Beavis. > >"Get out of my house now!," she yelled. > Mike: [Helen] Rape my daughter if you must, but not under my roof. >Beavis responded by slapping her across the face. > Tom: [Helen] I'll take that as a 'no'. >For Daria, this was too much. Crow: The rest of us hit that spot about 10 "datas" ago! > She ran up to Beavis and kicked >him and Butt-Head in the testicles. Crow: Ooh, right in the pod bay! > They were sent howling. >Sailor Moon broke free. > Mike: [Usagi] I'm gonna give you *such* a talking to! >"SAILOR MOON KICK!," she yelled. > Tom: The refreshing new soft drink from Royal Crown! >She kicked them in the testicles as well. Tom: [Butthead] Why does she keep doing that? Does she think that might be a sensitive area or something? > For good measure, >Andrea kicked them in the testicles herself. > Mike: Soon, people from miles around were lined up to kick Beavis & Butthead in their packages. Tom: I'd pay to. Well, if I had any legs, I would. >Trent and Jesse sucker punched them from behind. Tom: In the testicles, of course. > Ami then >grabbed a vase and broke it over Beavis' head. He turned around >and hit her. > Crow: Geez! What does it take to put these jerks down?!? Tom: They must be direct descendants of Rasputin! >Jake and Ms. Barch got up now. Ms. Barch knew she had to act >quickly. > Crow: She had only seconds to either expose her breasts or kick someone in the testicles. >Beavis got spastic and then went "AAAAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE GREAT >CORNHULIO! YOU HAVE MADE ME ANGRY!" Mike: You rearranged my CD's so I can't find anything! > He and Butt-Head ran to the >kitchen and grabbed knives, and ran, now completely deranged, >right toward Daria. > Crow: As it turned out, all they had was a handful of mayonnaise spatulas, so no one was *too* worried. Tom: Then again, with these two... Crow: Yeah. >"DARIA! NO! THEY'LL KILL YOU!," Trent said. > Tom: [Daria] Quiet. I must stand here and helplessly face my destiny. >Beavis grabbed Daria by the collar of her seirafuku and was going >to plunge the knife into her heart when Ms. Barch took her rifle >and blew his brains out. Crow: Overkill. She could have used a peashooter for that. > The brains were splattered all over the >place. > Crow: Should only need a single wetnap to clean it up. [pause] Crow: [softly] With the small brain and all- >"YOU KILLED BEAVIS, YOU BITCH!," Butt-Head yelled and ran to her. >Ms. Barch blew out his brains as well. > Tom: [Butthead] Huh? Oh, right, gun. Forgot. [death rattle] Mike: Should I enjoy this or be disturbed by it? Crow: Why not both? Mike: Good point. >Both bodies twitched for a few seconds, then stopped. It was all >over. > Mike: So despite Daria and the Sailor Scouts being the nominal heroes in the story, Beavis & Butthead are finally stopped by the man-hating marginal character with a semi. Good call. >Daria ran down the street and caught up with Quinn. She was >balled up in a fetal position, crying. > Crow: Looking just like that Gabrielle chick from "Xena". Tom: How is this chapter *not* over? Mike: [shrugging] Beats me. >"Quinn, it's over now," said Daria; "Ms. Barch killed Beavis and >Butt-Head. They won't harm you anymore." Crow: Unless their restless souls swear revenge and invade your dreams! > Daria took Quinn in >her arms, and hugger her, letting Quinn cry on her shoulder. It >didn't matter if she was splattered with brains on her outfit. > Tom: After all, it matched. Mike: Nude sister, sailor suit, brains... this just ain't right! >"Daria, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad that you >showed up," Quinn sobbed. "I'm very lucky to have a big sister >like you. Tom: [Quinn] Can I borrow your mascara? > I'll never deny that we're sisters ever again, even if >I get drubbed out of the Fashion Club!" Tom: Yeah, that promise should last about 10 seconds. > Quinn broke down and >cried. Daria patted her on the back. Mike: [stiffly] There there. There there. > Daria smiled to herself. >The others went up to her. > Crow: Crow mocked that paragraph. Mike: Mike shook his head. Tom: Tom plotted sweet, sweet revenge. >"Daria, you're OK!," Trent said. > Tom: [Trent] WOW! Quinn! You're... Oh. Sorry, Quinn, I know this is just terrible and all. But, WOW! >"Trent, what's going on here?," asked Daria. > Crow: Dah- nothing! Nothing! A reflex reaction! I can't help it! I'm a man, Daria, these things happen! >Trent got closer to her and said: > Mike: I like that voodoo that you do. >"It's terrible, Daria. The Lawndale Militia has taken over the >town. Crow: [Trent] First they opened a new Red Lobster! Then they opened an ice cream parlor! And one of them ran for City Auditor and won! With the unholy triad behind them, they can't be stopped! > They're trying the city government in a moot court. Tom: [Quinn] In a food court? Cool, I could do with some cheese fries! Mike: [Daria] Quiet, nude girl. > Then >there was the plane crash, and we found Ami here. Then, of >course, Beavis and Butt-Head tried to rape Quinn. Mike: Trent Backstory, Recapper Extraordinaire! Crow: [Trent] Then you asked me what happened, and I summarized the plot. Then the stress of the day finally got to me and I climbed up in a bell tower and started shooting... [stops] Come to think of it, that last part might come later. > It's all been >so horrible. We're happy to have you back. And, Daria. . ." > Tom: [Trent] Me and Quinn got married, I'm your new brother- in-law! >"Yes, Trent?," she aksed. > Mike: [Trent] You've got some brain on your chin. Here, let me... >Trent went up to her and said, "I love you. I always felt it, >but until now I never had the courage to say it. Tom: [Trent] But I'm liquored up enough to force the words out now. Crow: Another problem solved by sweet, sweet booze. All: BOOZE!!! > After seeing >you being willing to sacrifice your life to save your family, it >has given me the courage to tell you how I feel." Crow: Courage based on factory mail-in rebate. Your courage may vary. > They then >French kissed. > Tom: No, wait! Safe, safe at second base! This kid really makes things happen out there. Mike: Tender moment? Nah, let's skip straight to the petting. >"EW! They're kissing!," Quinn said. > Tom: [Quinn] And it's cold out here! Why- oh, right! I'm naked as a jaybird. >"AW, isn't that sweet?," Helen said. Crow: [Helen] I love how he's molesting my underdressed daughter. > Jane just nodded her >approval. Tom: [Jane] My plan to get Quinn naked worked! > She knew all along how those two felt for each other, >and somehow she felt vindicated that she played a part as >matchmaker in this affair. Mike: Her audition for "Fiddler on the Roof" was a success! > Jesse got a bit emotional. Mike: [Jesse] Dude. > "It's all >too beautiful, man!," he said. > Tom: [Jesse] Everything is beautiful in its own way, dude. Like that naked chick. Awesome. >Sailor Moon went up to Ami and said, "Ami, thank Queen Serenity >that you're all right!" > Tom: So, Usagi is basically thanking herself? Crow: That's the ego for ya. >"I've had a rough go of it, that's for sure!," Ami replied. > Mike: [Usagi, pouting] Well I was killed by a death plane! That was rough too! >"I've called the county sheriff's department, since the police >are incapacitated right now," Ms. Barch said. Mike: "Incapacitated" in the sense of being rock-stupid loads who let their prisoners out at random bushes to relieve themselves. > "The coroner is >going to take those two scumbags away. Tom: The militia didn't exactly secure their perimeter, did they. Crow: Nope. This coup was as well-orchestrated as a UPN sitcom! > I hate all men! They're >all cheaters and scumbags!" > Mike: -and bears, oh my. >"I'm not a scumbag or a cheater!," Jake said. > >"Who asked you, you man!," Ms. Barch roared. > Mike: [Ms. Barch] Blah blah blah, men scum, blah blah. Crow: You know guys, suddenly I feel I need to type my stereo. Tom: Huh, me too. Can't think why. >"What's been happening in Tokyo?," Ami said. > Tom: [Usagi] Not much. There's a cool new dance called "The Jalepeno", and a new Cinibuns opened at the Tokyo Galleria, but otherwise it's been pretty dull. >"It's not all good," Usagi said grimly. Mike: [Usagi] We're out of blue stuff. > "The NIRAA has stolen an >experimental jet fighter called the Neo-Zero and has all but >bombed Tokyo to rubble. Tom: So there is *some* good. But again, not *all* good. > Rei's grandfather died when they bombed >Sendai Hill Shrine. Things are getting desperate over there. Mike: [Usagi] And we're almost out of expendable characters. Still, it could be worse. Thank Queen Serenity they only have the one plane! Crow: [Ami] So pretty much business as usual? Tom: [Usagi] Yeah, no big whoop. >What about here?" > Crow: Say, Mike? Have you ever heard of something called a "cutaway"? Mike: Sure! That's where you stop writing, and start a new scene with someone saying, "So that's their scheme to rule the world! We must stop them! But how?" Crow: Wow! That certainly sounds like a useful tool for writers! >"Well," Ami said, "you heard it from Trent. A right-wing militia >group has seized control here. Mike: [Ami] They have pictures of some guy named Bob Dornan plastered all over town. By the way, what's a "poopie suit"? > It's a war zone here." > Tom: Nah, I think it's Wrestlemania 2000. They're playing off N64. >"Daria," Jane asked, "how did you get mixed up in all this?," > >Daria answereed her: > Crow: I'm managing one of Warren Buffet's mutual funds, and I thought anime showed real growth potential. >"Ami asked me to take her place as Sailor Mercury when she got >accepted for her pre-med studies in Germany. Then the Neo-Zero >affair broke out, and I got involved in it big time. Tom: [Daria] Then they started showing new episodes of me in the Ten Spot. > It hasn't >been a bowl of cherries, to say the least." > Tom: [Daria] Though I'd be willing to concede a peach to you. >Daria then went to Sailor Moon and Ami. "I guess introductions >are in order now. [The trio collectively groans.] Crow: Really, haven't we sat through enough introduction scenes in our lives by now? Tom: Pete & Stevie are psychically connected somehow! > Sailor Moon, Ami, I want you to meet my >parents Jake and Helen Morgendorffer, Mike: And I use "want" in the loosest sense of the word... > my sister Quinn, Crow: [Quinn] Hi! I'm naked! Tom: [Ami] Um... shouldn't we be getting you to a trauma center? Crow: [Quinn] Oh, the rape thing? That was over five minutes ago. But thanks! > my best >friend Jane Lane, her brother and my boyfriend Trent, Crow: Daria, you've been dating for five minutes! Slow down a tad! > his friend >Jesse Moreno, Mike: And his head lice, Jackie, Mirriam, and Scout! > my science teacher Janet Barch, and Andrea, our >local Goth girl. Mike: Look! It's Andrea again! All: Woo-hoo! > Everyone, this is Sailor Moon, and her friend >Mizuno Ami." > >Everyone shook hands with each other. > Tom: Four hours later... Crow: [Jake] Great job stopping the story there. Mike: [Usagi] Couldn't have done it without you. Put'er there. >"We've got our work cut out for us here and back in Japan!," >Sailor Moon said. Tom: So let's go home and watch TV! > "We've got to free Lawndale, then stop the >NIRAA back in Japan!" > Crow: But first, let's all have torturously long explanations of our origins! >Everyone vowed that they'd help each other resolve both crises. Tom: Except for Andrea. That self-centered bitch. Mike: Wow. You turned on her quick. Tom: Ah. I'm fickle. >They then set out to return to the Free Lawndaler's base camp. Mike: To the carpet store! All: o/~ Over the bodies of thousands dead, to speech through another scene! o/~ >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >The jury had reached a verdict in the trial. They filed in. >Anthony asked the foreman if they had reached a verdict. > Tom: Yes. But not for this case. >"We have, Your Honor," the foreman said. Mike: Heck, if Honor was there, these militiamen would be treecat fodder by now! > "We find all the >defendants guilty of all the charges against them." > [All gasp in mock surprise] Tom: Oh, if only they'd gone to McKenzie, Brachman, Cheney & Kuzak! Crow: Except for the ones containing the letter "h". Sorry. Had a late night, we really just threw this together over coffee. >"Very well," Anthony said. Mike: [Corlew] We now enter the penalty phase, where I remind you, the dollar values are doubled. > "You are all hereby sentenced to be >executed by firing squad at the middle of Town Park at noon. Tom: You will then be taken to the state penitentiary, to serve a sentence of not less than twelve, and not more than fifteen years. >This court is adjourned!" > Mike: [Doug Lewellyn] So that's it for "The Case of the Cheesy McMayor"! We'll be back with reactions from the plaintiff, and the defendant, in a moment! >The guards dragged the guilty parties away to be executed. >Unless something happened soon, all would be lost. Mike: Well, don't sweat it, we could stand to lose some of this. >----------------------------------------------------------------- [All Leave] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike and the bots stand behind the control console, looking rather bedraggled.] Mike: That was an amusing sequence. Crow: Yeah. John Peckinpah's "Beavis and Butthead." Tom: Well, I'm not surprised. Mike: Really? Tom: Nope. Beavis and Butthead were just powderkegs waited to explode. Most cartoon characters are rather unbalanced. Crow: You don't say. Tom: Sure they are! Don't you remember that killing spree that Speed Buggy and Huckleberry Hound went on back in '76? Mike: [pause] What killing spree? I don't rememb... Tom: Of course you don't remember that! The government covered it up! [conspiratorially] It's all part of their little plan. They're going to release their cartoon killing machines on us all soon! Just you watch... [Mike and Crow step away from Tom and walk over towards the hexfield. Cambot pans and follows. In the background, Tom continues to ramble.] Crow: And it's Tom Servo's "Conspiracy Theory." Mike: Be nice. After all, this fic is enough to unhinge almost anyone. [Gypsy rushes in.] Gypsy: Mike! There's something coming in on the hexfield! Mike: [dramatically] Cambot! [normal] Um, pan towards the hexfield. [Mike, Crow and Gypsy turn towards the hexfield, which dilates to reveal Beavis and Butthead. Beavis is dressed in a yachting outfit, while Butthead is wearing a pair of round eyeglasses and is dressed in a upscale suit, complete with power tie.] All: Beavis and Butthead? Crow: AIIIIEEEEE!!!!! THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!!! AIIIEEEE!!!! Gypsy: SNAP OUT OF IT, CROW!!! Beavis: I see that our fearsome reputation proceeds us. Butthead: Fear not, gentlebeings. We bring you no harm. Crow: AHHHHH!!!!! WE'RE DOOMED! Mike: We're not doomed. Gypsy: Wuss. Mike: So what brings you here today, guys? Beavis: We merely desire to correct some of the misunderstandings regarding us that might have arisen from today's story. Butthead: Yes, we certainly don't wish to be regarded as some sort of monsters. Crow: But you are monsters! Horrible unkillable monsters! Gypsy: Geez. Get a grip, Crow. Beavis: Dear sir, we aren't monsters. Butthead: We are merely actors. Mike: Actors? Crow: NO! THEY'RE HELLSPAWN! EVIL!!!!EVIL!!!!! Beavis: Yes, actors. My compatriot attended Harvard and was an accomplished Thespian, while I attended Brown. Butthead: Also known as the community college of the Ivy League. [The pair laughs briefly.] Beavis: Our actions in the story were performances. Butthead: Yes, we merely did what the script required of us. Mike: So, you're not really braindead idiots? Beavis: No, of course not. Gypsy: You don't go nearly catatonic when around a girl? Butthead: Nay. I myself am presently dating Kirstie Alley. [silence] Mike: Crow? It's your turn to ask a question. Crow: Hey, if you two aren't going to pay attention to my shouts of "EVIL!" then I'm not going to ask any questions. Mike: Come on, Crow. Don't be a spoilsport. Gypsy: Wuss. Crow: I am not a wuss! Mike: Then ask a question. Gypsy: Wuss. Crow: I am... Fine. Whatever. So, then, you were just acting all this time? Beavis: Affirmative. Crow: And you don't really watch MTV all the time? Butthead: Heavens no! I prefer CNBC. Crow: And you aren't really enthralled by... [Crow produces a lit match.]... fire? Beavis: Fire? Crow: Yes, fire. Neat, huh? Beavis: FIRE! Butthead: Oh dear. Crow: See how it glimmers? Beavis: FIREFIREFIREFIREFIRE!!!! Butthead: Nice going, buttmunch. Beavis: FIRE!!! Butthead: We nearly had these idiots believing us, and then you go and ruin it. This sucks. Beavis: Hey, Butthead! That purple chick has a really big headlight! Heh-heh-heh! Butthead: Heh-heh-heh! Both: Heh-heh-heh!! [The pair continues to laugh as the Hexfield irises shut. Gypsy and Mike turn towards Crow.] Mike: Crow! You were actually right for once! Crow: Of course. Gypsy: You're still a wuss. Crow: Hey! [Cambot draws back a bit, bringing Tom, who is still rambling, back into the shot.] Tom: ...and after the Snorks kill every member of Congress and Fat Albert leads the purge of the military, then, THEN they will be in control of everything and they'll be unstoppable! Mike: Sure thing, Tom. Tom: So what do we do? [Lights flash] Mike: We worry about it later, cuz right now WE GOT NEO-MISERY SIGN!!! [Doors, chaos, etc.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and takes their usual places.] Tom: ...and then the cast of "Family Dog" will wreak havoc on the floor of the stock exchange! Mike: Whatever. Crow: Was this before or after the Powerpuff Girls nuke Houston? >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 13: Crush! Kill! Destroy! Mike: Fold! Spindle! Mutilate! > , or The Battle of Lawndale > Crow: Or, "How to win friends and influence cartoon characters". >Tokyo looked like it had never been rebuilt from either the >American bombings of 1945 or the 1923 Kanto Earthquake. Tom: Or that party last month over at Kenji's house. > Corpses >were everywhere, with rats picking them clean to the bones. Crow: [Japan] But the worst part is we never got the score of the great Lawndale- Highland football game! Tom: So, just a check - how much time has elapsed since the beginning of this story? Mike: *sigh* Well, story time is about 2 days, but it sure feels like five or six millennia. >Fires were still raging out of control. And about 15,000 feet >above the carnage was the reason why all this was happening: Mike: An uncaring God? > The >Mitsubishi Neo-Zero prototype. > Crow: Wow, I bet the boys at Mitsubishi are glad they trademarked *that*. Tom: Yeah, think of the reams of free advertising they're getting out of all this. Mike: The Japanese have developed a plane that drops corpses and rats? >Yoriko was on what she was hoping would be her final bombing run. Crow: [frazzled mom] Aw, jeez, look at the time! I still gotta pick up Suzie's Brownie uniform and drop the boys off at soccer practice! >One of the three drop tanks had been replaced by a sarin "Super >Bomb" that she intended to drop on the Imperial Palace itself. Crow: Not the Neo-Bomb? Tom: This terrorist attack made possible by a grant from the DuPont Corporation! DuPont! Lethal chemicals, and a whole lot more! >If the Imperial Family was killed, the NIRAA would then step in >unopposed as the rulers of Japan. > Mike: Unless long lost cousin Ralph from America is found. Tom: Providing there are any frickin' Japanese left once she gets through! >"Fifty-three years of waiting will soon come to an end!," Yoriko >said. Crow: [Yerko] Just 258 pages to go! > Right now her CD player had Soundgarden's "Superunknown" >CD in it and it was playing "Black Hole Sun": > Crow: As long as they don't play the video. >"In my eyes/Indisposed/ Mike: o/~ Leave a message/At the beep!/And I'll return/your call/ when I can! o/~ > In disguise/As no one knows/ Tom: What, do we get to pick our own lyrics? > hides the >face/lies, the snake/ Crow: Hide the snake? That's dirty! Mike: Ken Stabler? > The Sun/In my disgrace/ Tom: o/~ Commits seppuku/It's Japan! o/~ > Boiling heat/Summer >stench/ Crow: Ah, it's a happy song! > 'Neath the black/The sky looks dead/ Mike: I think Little Orphan Annie needs a happier song. > Call my name/ All: Chris! > Through >the cream/ Tom: [uneasy laughter] I think we'll leave the cream alone, Chris sweetie. Thanks for offering. > And I'll hear you/Scream again/ Mike: Yes, they're milking yet another sequel out of the franchise. > Black hole Sun/Won't you >come/And wash away the rain/ Crow: Yeah! Let's see that itsy-bitsy spider escape *this* time! > Black hole sun/Won't you come?/Won't >you come?/Won't you come?" > Mike: It sounds so much better when it's mumbled rather than written out like that. Tom: Well, marginally, at least. >Somehow, if they were playing this song right now in the middle >of Tokyo with the black hole sun sucking up everything, it would >have been sickeningly appropriate. Crow: Oh look. We get to share a piece of someone's nightmarish fever dream! Isn't that nice? > Yoriko set her sights on >making a few more bombings. Mike: [Yerko] Let's see, I can hit Pokemon, Hello Kitty... and maybe Benihana's before six. Gotta make that quota or they’re gonna rightsize me. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at SDF HQ, Gen. Torymura and Ryu were trying to use their >undermanned forces as best as they can. Tom: But with the Green army attacking from Yakutsk and the Blue Army from Irkutsk, they wouldn't last long. Mike: What forces? And if they have any, why haven’t they used them yet? Crow: Maybe they bought some from China. > A considerable amount of >casualties had been rendered on Ground, Sea and Air SDF units, as >well as JSIB agents and a considerable amount of USA, USN, USMC >and USAF troops. Crow: [quickly] o/~ CBS, NBC, ABC, TBN, CNN, HBO, Live at Five, Geraldo, Oprah, Regis and Kathy Lee! o/~ Tom: You know, just because you *can* use the alphabet? Doesn't mean you should. > Urgent messages had been forwarded to the >American, French, Russian and Taiwanese presidents as well as the >Canadian, British, German, Italian and even the Chinese prime >ministers. Tom: What? No message to the Aussies? Those pommie bastards! > The South Korean president and the North Korean >premier--who rarely agreed on anything-- Tom: And by "rarely" we mean "Not even on the direction the earth rotates." > had agreed to jointly >defend their respective nations if the crisis spilled into their >area. Mike: Yeah, let's trust the North Koreans to leap to our defense. > Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, All: [screeching the cry of the damned] *AAAAAAAAAUGH!* Mike: Not *AGAIN*! Tom: [panicked] For the love of god, someone take his almanac away! Crow: Mike, please! Pull my eyes out and step on'em! Mike: I can't, Crow. I wish I could. Really. > Mynamar, Thailand, India, Nepal, Tom: [queasy] He's created a verbal equivalent of seasickness! Mike: There, there, honey. Do you want some ginger ale? >Bhutan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Crow: Now, Mike, you know how much I love endless, mind-numbing lists of things that don't further the story! But even I have to admit Peter may have gone too far! Mike: It does sorta reduce the impact of the twenty-three other endless mind-numbing lists of things that didn't further the story. Crow: Exactly! > Indonesia, the >Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Australia Tom: And Chad! > and all the various >Oceanic nations had all declared states of emergency. Tom: Australia actually declared a state of emergency because they were running low on beer. Mike: Still, New Zealand hasn't been cowed by the terrorists! Crow: Good show! > The UN >Security Council was meeting in emergency session. The American >Congress was also meeting in emergency session, as well as the >British, Canadian, French and Russian parliaments. Mike: Wow. This would be a fantastic time to be in the commemorative pen business. Crow: Emergency legislation to save the world! > The situation >was teetering on the edge of World War III. > Tom: A call went out to the one man who could end this crisis; Jimmy Carter: Action Diplomat! Crow: So, WW III consists of the World vs. Japan then? Mike: Or the World vs. A Single Plane. Tom: Of course, this is all contingent on somebody actually doing something! >"Never before have I seen this nation in crisis like this," Gen. >Torymura said. "We may not survive this dark night of despair." > Tom: Duh duh dummmm! >Tuxedo Mask went to him and said, "General, they always say that >it's darkest before the dawn. Crow: [Tuxedo] Well, they lie. It's darkest at midnight. > The Sailor Senshi and I have >fought against worse odds than this and prevailed. Mike: But haven't they ever encountered such hackneyed contrivances before? > Many a time >it seemed that the entire planet would fall to the forces of >evil, but we prevailed. This is not the time to despair." > Crow: [Tuxy] Wait about an hour. Then knock yourself out. >Gen. Torymura then realized he did have an ace in the hole. Tom: And a bird in the hand, and a monkey on his back... > He >ordered a Ground SDF private to approach him at once. > >"Private," Tom: Lick me! > Gen. Torymura said as he took out a pen and paper, Tom: [Torymura] We're going to do some Mad Libs. I want you to give me a noun. >"Call this number and get in touch with a Mr. Hamada Ieyasu. Mike: [private] Gezundheit, sir! Crow: [Torymura] Stop that! > He >may be our nation's last hope." > Tom: [private] The old guy with the plane? Are you joking? >"Right away, Sir!," the private said, saluted, and proceeded to >the nearest phone. > Crow: [private] Hi, Ieyasu? You're just not going to believe what's been going on here... >Gen. Torymura turned to Tuxedo Mask. > Tom: [Torymura] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit! >"Mr. Chiba," he began to say, "There has been a secret I have >been keeping to myself for fifteen years, Mike: [Torymura] I really hate the Japanese. > and if I don't survive >this, I want it to be known now. Tom: [Torymura] I was the exec who green-lighted "Shanghai Surprise." > This situation has brought this >to the surface, and now I think it should be made public. I >guess you remember that incident where the Soviet MiG shot down >the KAL flight that had wandered into Soviet airspace." > Crow: Was that the one where the MiG shot down the KAL flight? Mike: No, it was the one where the MiG shot down the KAL flight. Crow: Oooh. >Mamoru replied, "I think we all do, General." > Crow: [Mamoru] Except for me, of course. I have the attention span of clam dip. >Gen. Torymura continued: > >"I was a recently commissioned Flight Lieutenant back in 1983 and >was in charge of a squadron near Sapporo, not too far from where >the incident occurred. Crow: Over on Fifth Street, by that place that makes the soup in a bread bowl? > We were on routine patrol and noticed the >two aircraft near our position. We went to investigate and saw >the whole incident happen. Mike: The incident? You mean when the Soviets murdered a plane full of unarmed civilians?! Tom: There was some unpleasantness, yes. > We could not retaliate due to the >Article 9 prohibitions. Tom: And now we're recapping stuff we've already been told about! Crow: [sobbing] We're trapped in an endless backstory loop! > Later on, I saw two names on that list: Mike: Erin Moran and Senator Pete Domenici. >my sister Torymura Keiko and my brother-in-law Kino Jimmu. Crow: [Torymura] You can react to that, if you want. No? All right, I'll continue then. > If I >had only had done something then, they would still be alive now. Mike: [Mamoru] Hey, he's right! He's responsible for the death of his sister! Tom: [Torymura] Well- I mean, I wouldn't say responsible exactly... Mike: [Mamoru] Aw, c'mon, you may as well have pulled the trigger! Crow: [Rei] Sailor Senshi, assume shame-heaping positions! >The board of inquiry that investigated the affair cleared my >squadron from negligence, but I still feel I have moral >responsibility for what happened." > All: *SHA-A-A-A-AME!* Mike: [Torymura] If only I had whined and begged a little harder! >"Did your sister and brother-in-law have any children?," asked >Mamoru. > Crow: [Torymura] I accidentally hit them with my car. I somehow feel responsible for that, too. >"They had one daughter, Makoto," replied Gen. Torymura. > >Tuxedo Mask stood there with his mouth wide open. > Tom: Oh, he's being koi! Heh-heh! Mike: [groaning] I, don't think so, Tom. >"Do you know her, Mr. Chiba?, asked Gen. Torymura. > Tom: [Mamoru] Yeah, me and Mr. Chiba used to go to college together. >Tuxedo Mask answered, "Yes, I do." He ran to Sailor Jupiter and >brought her over. > >"What's the meaning of this, Mamoru?," she asked. > Tom: (Ahem) "This" - 1. (pronoun) denotes something present or near in place or time, or something just mentioned, or about to be mentioned. 2. (adj) same demonstrative force as the pronoun, but followed by a noun; as, this book; this way to town. >"Gen. Torymura," Mamoru said, "tell Makoto what you told me." > >"Makoto, I am your uncle," Gen. Torymura began; Crow: Boy, these Sailor Moon folks just do not have a grasp on how to keep a secret identity secret, do they? Tom: So the army had a complete dossier on the Sailor Scouts that omitted their parents, full names and pictures! [growls] > "I was on patrol >that day when your parents died in the Soviet attack on the KAL >aircraft and saw what happened. Mike: Cut and paste. Such a boon to mankind. > I know I should have done >something, but we were bound by our oath to observe Article 9 at >all times. Mike: So what *is* this awe-inspiring Article 9? Tom: I think it has to do with establishing plot points. Crow: [Torymura] Because of that, when I saw the Soviet attack on the KAL aircraft, which happened when I was on patrol, I did nothing, though I knew I could. > I understand if you can't find any room in your heart >to forgive me." > Tom: [Torymura] For doing nothing. When I saw the KAL plane shot down by the Soviets, which had your parents on it. When I did nothing. >Makoto, however, suddenly flung her arms open, embraced her uncle >and cried. > Mike: [Makoto] Please, please stop your accursed monologue already! >"If I only knew sooner that I had living relatives!," Makoto >cried. > Mike: [Makoto] Then I'd have had someone to mooch off all these years. >"Now you have a family again," replied Gen. Torymura. "When this >is all over, you will meet your aunt and your two cousins. Tom: [Torymura] They've been killed by the death plane! Which you saw attack, and did nothing. Aw, welcome to the family, kitten! > One, >a boy, is a senior at Shinjuku Boys' Academy; the other, a woman, >is a sophomore at Tokyo University majoring in economics. Crow: There's a big odometer on the wall with the words "People Killed by the Death Plane" just spinnin' higher and higher... > You >can move in with us and we'll take care of you. You don't have >to be lonely anymore." > Tom: Well, except when no one's around, of course. Mike: We live in a nice place run by the Unification Church. Oh, Reverend Moon is going to love you so much! >The other Sailor Senshi had gathered around to witness this >reunion. > Crow: [Senshi] Look, it's nice and all, but we got a country to save and stuff, 'kay? Tom: They leave the TV just as it shows the Neo-Zero blowin' a children's hospital all to hell... >"Right now," Rei said, "I am so happy for you. It is ironic that >the same event that robbed me of my family has restored yours. >My blessings go with you, Mako-chan." > Crow: I'm not bitter and twisted with jealousy. Really. >After the reunion, Tuxedo Mask was ready to get back to business. > Mike: [Mamoru] OK! Now I understand some kind of super-powered jet's been stolen? Who can bring us up to speed on that? >"OK, as acting leader in Usagi's absence, we've got to prepare >for the worst. Crow: [Rei] I thought our worst case plan was you being our leader? > All of the Sailor Senshi are to go to the >Imperial Palace. You are to defend it at all costs. Mike: Always value the life of the head of a government over its people. It's just plain common sense. > I will wait >here for Usagi's return with Daria. Crow: ...Beyond the blast radius. > Is that understood? Since >neither Ami or Daria are here, I'm naming you as field commander, >Rei. Mike: Let Operation: "Uncoordinated Free-for-all" commence! > Now, move out and protect the Emperor. As it was said >during the Meiji Restoration, let it be said now: Crow: [Mamoru] Come, Mister Tally-man! Tally de banana! Tom & Mike: [Senshi] o/~ Daylight come, and me wanna go home! o/~ > 'Honor the >Emperor and expel the barbarians.'" > Mike: [Tuxy] Just, uh, don't actually mention that while Daria's around. >The Sailor Senshi moved out. > Crow: But Mrs. Kravitz kept the security deposit. >"You heard the man, people," Gen. Torymura said to the ragtag >remnants of the SDF, Mike: Now get out there and sell those Herba-Life products! > "Move it! The Emperor is to be protected at >all costs! Go now and protect our democratic way of life, Tom: But first and foremost, protect the monarch! > even >knowing that if your life is snuffed as the flower of the cherry >blossom, Bots: o/~ La Resistance lives on! o/~ Mike: [private] Sir? Is this another irrelevant speech? 'Cuz I got a roast in the oven, is all. > at least you will go to wherever fate sends you in peace >with yourselves that you have defended Emperor, government and >country. Tom: You may never profess your love to your family, but if you spread your arms wide and let the death plane hit you, all is forgiven! > If you are willing to sacrifice your lives, do it to >protect your families, to protect our civilian government, to >protect all that we value in our nation. Crow: If this a haiku or an inspirational speech? You make the call! > BANZAI! BANZAI! >BANZAI!" > Crow: The recruits throw three tiny juniper trees at him. >With that, the troops cheered "BANZAI!" They then donned a new >headband. Mike: If they start singing 'Physical', I'm going to ... Crow: Commit hari-kari? Mike: Well, no. I was thinking a really nasty e-mail to Mr. Guerin. > It was red with a depiction of the Japanese flag on >it. The kanakaji characters on it said: Tom: "You and me, baby, we ain't nothin' but mammals..." > "To protect freedom and >democracy." All somehow knew that if lives were to be sacrificed >this time, Mike: They were going to start with the Sailor Squirts. > as of the Kamikaze pilots of the previous conflict, at >least they were doing this now to protect a free, democratic >Japan that was committed to peace, Tom: Justice, and the American way! Crow: And people say America is overwriting other cultures. > not to appease militarists who >were land hungry and had cowed their Emperor into silent assent. Tom: Oh, he's talking about the Wal-mart lobbyists. >Why many American veterans still held the Showa Emperor >responsible for what happened was puzzling; Mike: For he was only supreme ruler of the country who attacked them. Why are they so bitter? > did he not, after >all, secretly disagree with almost all of their actions? Mike: Ah, but if it was a secret, how could they know? > Even if >their Emperor was not a god, Crow: He could still make Spock sing "Bitter Dregs". That was worth a few laughs. > at least he now stood as a champion >of decency, order and democracy against those who would plunge >all of Asia into turmoil again. Crow: And he's doing one hell of a bang-up job, what with letting top secret prototypes fall into the hands of terrorists and all. > Now they realized what had went >wrong for the past fifty-three years. Mike: Sending your children to school in short pants is just *wrong*. > Mistakes had to be >admitted and repaired. Crow: Or at the very least, buried deep enough not to be a nagging problem later on. > After that, Japan had to strive better to >fit into the international community. Crow: Then, clean out the gutters and get the storm windows up. > Good relations had to be made >with those it had once vanquished. Tom: Hi, we ground you beneath our iron heel in the last war, but now we want to be your friend. Whaddya say? > Perhaps someday, after the >Communist regime in Beijing collapsed--and it was an article of >faith that it would someday-- Mike: Based on this fanfic, I'm not so sure that Peter has his finger on the pulse of international politics. Crow: The days of egg foo young are past. A bright, shining century of soba and tempura stretches before us! > and the democratic government in >Taipei had taken over, perhaps then both nations would encourage >the rest of East Asia and Southeast Asia to form some sort of >NATO-like organization to defend themselves from threats like >this. Tom: Have we maybe missed the point here? Could Doc Helffen's real plan be to engulf Japan in a deadly cloud of speeches and introspection? Crow: It *is* getting a bit hard to breathe. > Peace was the way of the future. Mike: Microsoft just bundled it into their operating system. > Even someday, perhaps >Russia and other former Soviet nations would join their old >Warsaw Pact allies in NATO as a united front for peace. Crow: Oh, yeah. Big alliances keep the peace. Just ask Archduke Ferdinand! > The >threat was no longer from major nations like Russia or China, but >from rogue states like Iraq, Libya and Iran, Tom: -or the Reform Party! > and terrorist groups >like the NIRAA, Islamic Jihad and the IRA. > Mike: And, of course, the Lawndale Militia. Crow: Maybe it's me, but I don't see Japan as having a lot to fear from Sinn Fein. >Since the war, patriotism did not count for much in Japan, which >was committed to international peace and friendship. Mike: As long as it doesn't involve any dirty repulsive foreigners! > But now it >was realized that one could still find pride in one's nation and >still commit that nation to peace and prosperity to all nations. Crow: o/~ And jingo was its name-o! o/~ >In this day and age, would not a nation's great achievements be >shared by all? Mike: Globalization, as explained by Walt Disney! Tom: Yes, even the folks in Albania revel in the release of Windows 2000. > For over a century and a half Japan stood as the >one nation in what the rest of the world called the "Third World" >as a model for modernization and development. Tom: Enslave your superheroes and make them pose nude! > But it had been >reluctant to share that knowledge, and others afraid of them. Crow: Well, to be fair, all those uber-kids running around were a bit off-putting. >Now, if it survives this calamity, it would find a new purpose, a >new meaning for itself. Mike: Line dancing! Tom: I didn't ever think I'd be saying this, but could we get back to the fanfic please? > The best patriotism now was to spread >the gospel of success, prosperity and modernization to those who >were still in the dark. Tom: Work all day, drink, and sing tonelessly to popular songs! Crow: Their first target: The Amish! > It did not have to be by bullets or >napalm, but by technology and progress. Tom: And annoyingly cute cartoon creatures by the truck load. Mike: Of course, when all else fails, ya still got your bullets and napalm and stuff. > Thus, with this new >sense of purpose the SDF troops find themselves singing >"Kimigayo," the national anthem. Mike: The national anthem of Japan is "Kumbayah"?!? > This song essentially was sung >only at the start of sumo wrestling tournaments; Tom: Hence the haunting refrain, "You gonna eat that?" > it wasn't even >played at the start of baseball games (team fight songs being >played instead). Mike: Gosh! I wish someone would tell us the fight song for each and every Japanese team! Crow: Yeah, perhaps in a long, unbroken list, to aid our concentration! > Thus a chorus of voices found new meaning to >those old words: > Tom: o/~ My baby does the hanky panky! o/~ >"Kimigayo wa, Chiyo ni/Yachiyo ni Sazare ishi no, Iwao to nari >te/Koke no musu made." > Crow: I think that's the break to "Double Dutch Bus". Mike: Dilzouble Dilzutch? Tom: Dilzouble Dilzutch. >Translated into English, the words ran: > Tom: I'm sorry/I'm sorry/Did I bomb your harbor?/A thousand pardons/Sorry. >"May thy peaceful reign last long!/May it last for thousands of >years, Mike: May you blow it out your earhole! > /Until this tiny stone will grow into a massive rock/And >the moss will cover it all deep and thick." > Tom: Lessee...bulking up sumo wrestlers, growing lots and lots of body hair...yep, sounds about right. >The SDF was preparing to take back their nation from those who >were determined to destroy it, but this time, they were doing it >for a civilian government, dedicated to the precepts of democracy >and peace. > Crow: And not just for a bunch of teenage girls in short skirts. Mike & Tom: Oh no, no, no, etc. >Gen. Torymura and Ryu stood there, seeing the troops leaving. > Crow: Ah! The plot's back! >"Are we witnessing the start of a new era for Japan, or the >beginning of the end?," Ryu said. > Mike: Depends. See any giant praying mantis-uss-es around? Crow: Manti? >"A few years ago," began Gen. Torymura, "I saw a film from anime >master Oshii Mamoru. [All snicker.] > It was called 'Patlabor 2: The Movie.' Tom: It was head and shoulders above "Patlabor 1: The Fuzzy Black-and-White Photograph" > In >the film, a madman tried to stage a military coup and take over >Japan, but the Special Vehicles Section 2 stopped them. Crow: Oh, it's a remake of "The Trip to Bountiful". Mike: I think they did it by taking an *action* of some sort. 'Course, I don't see how that applies to our situation. > I can >only hope that the SDF will be able to stop them, for if they >fail, we've lost this war." > Mike: Unless Bruce Willis and a rag-tag group of oil drillers show up to save us... >Those thought remained with him even as the last of the troops >left. Tom: And the scene, never having started, can't really come to an end. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the "Grizzly Fritz Cat Hebrew Cold Kugel". >Lawndale City Park was jammed with people. Most of them were >members of the Lawndale Militia, but there were some curiosity >seekers as well. Tom: And some were extras from the Tokyo scenes just hanging around. > The mayor, city council and city judge were all >bound and gagged and lined up for the firing squad to shoot at >them. Tom: Plane boarding, crotch kicking, and firing squads! That's our story, ladies and gentlemen! Enjoy! > Anthony got in front of them and made this declaration: > Tom: Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 1999 - wear sunscr- Crow: C'mon, give it up, Servo. Tom: Never! >"As of this moment, I declare myself to be dictator of the city. Crow: [Corlew} Woo-hoo! I never thought I'd be able to pull this off! Mike: [Corlew] And, I declare myself to be one of People Magazines' "25 Most Interesting People", AND their "Sexiest Man Alive"! >As my first decree, I declare martial law Mike: Starring Sammo Hung! > and a curfew from 6:00 >PM to 6:00 AM everyday until further notice. Mike: Oh, the WTO must be in town. Tom: [Corlew] And I declare the Lawndale Diner WILL serve baked potatoes before 5 PM. > All laws will be >promulgated by me after conferring with my War Council. Anyone >who dares defy any laws made by me will be shot right where they >are. Mike: [citizen] Um... where we are right now, or where we are when we defy the law? > After this execution is carried out, everyone is to go back >to their homes." > Crow: [Corlew] Oh that's right! Your homes all burned to the ground in the plane crash! Well, just mill around in a daze, then! Tom: Do we simply not have a US Army anymore? Mike: It's been downsized to one guy named "Phil" and he's out ice fishing today. >Anthony got out of the way. The firing squad then loaded their >rifles. > Crow: I think it would be more appropriate to leave them empty, seein' as how Pete keeps firing blanks. >"READY!," Anthony said. The firing squad had their rifles at the >ready. "AIM!," Anthony now shouted. Mike: So they all logged on and started a chat session. > They now aimed. > Crow: The Militia seems rather adept at following orders. >Suddenly, someone screamed "ATTACK!" Tom: And the firing squad attacked. > It was Mr. DeMartino and >the Lawndale Militia. Mike: And Smashmouth, for some reason. Tom: So it's the Lawndale Militia vs. the Lawndale Militia? > They were in hiding in buildings >surrounding the park and now charged like madmen, Crow: Darting their buggy eyes around and saying prayers to the invisible soup god. > their machine >guns blazing. > Crow: I guess they figured if random violence worked so good for the bad guys they ought to try it, too. >"NO!," Anthony screamed. "Not now! Not at my moment of >triumph!" > Mike: [Corlew] Well, okay, technically my moment of triumph was when I took over the town. I suppose I should have shouted, 'NO! Not now! Not shortly after my moment of triumph!' >Sailor Moon, in Eternal Mode, now swooped out of the skies like a >fighter craft. She had a machine gun, and was firing it like >crazy. Mike: Oh no! That's much worse than the sane, rational use we've come to expect from machine guns! Tom: Um, shouldn't she be using her moon wand or whatever? Crow: Hey, why should she miss out on the ultra-violent fun? > The Lawndale Militia now scattered. > Crow: Wow. They didn't need an order this time! >"Don't just stand there," Anthony said to the firing squad, Mike: [Corlew] Go stand somewhere else! There's a whole world to see out there! >"FIRE!" > >But then, two voices yelled out, "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!" Mike: Sailors Beavis and Butthead have arrived! Crow: [Butthead] Uhhhhh... Salmon Spray... [chuckles] Eat lead, bungholes! Tom: Ick. I'll have that image in my mind for a while. > The >firing squad was frozen solid. Crow: Of course, this happened after he said "Fire", so everyone's already dead already. Tom: Yup. Pretty much. > Daria and Ami emerged out of >their positions and ran to free the condemned prisoners. > Mike: What? Handcuffs? Damn! Crow: Um, Shabon Spray, go find a locksmith, guys. You're on your own. >"We've got to retreat, Commander!," Poindexter said. Anthony >responded by taking his .45 Magnum and blowing Poindexter's >brains out. > Crow: Oooh, Sherman's gonna be really pissed. >"Anyone who retreats will be shot!," he yelled. > Crow: [Corlew] Of course, that will require us to be facing backwards, so that we can see if anyone is retreating, rather than fighting the enemy, but it's my plan and I'm sticking to it! >"So, you're the man who's caused all this misery!," Sailor Moon >said. Mike: Well be fair! He had help! Tom: Yeah, there was that whole burning plane thing, too. Can't fault him for that. > "I won't allow you to continue! I am the pretty soldier >Eternal Sailor Moon, Crow: Although you know me by my AOL handle, QtyPie47! > Princess of the Moon Kingdom, future Queen >of Crystal Tokyo, champion of love and justice, and your worst >nightmare! Mike: So, all Sailor Moon is about is young girls standing around, shouting out titles and blasting things? Tom: Now you know why Ratliff's a fan. > In place of the Moon, I will punish you!" > Crow: [Usagi] Or in place of the Punisher, I will moon you. One or the other, I forget. >"I won't let you stop me when I'm this close to fulfilling my >dreams!,." Anthony yelled. Mike: He's always wanted to turn a suburb into his own personal military dictatorship. Crow: Wow, he's so upset, he's randomly spewing out punctuation marks! > With that, he grabbed a bazooka and >fired it right at Sailor Moon. She flew out of the way as the >rocket hit a nearby truck. Anthony then fired another rocket, >then another, and another, causing Sailor Moon to dodge them like >crazy. > Mike: Looks like Sailor Moon has mastered the rocket jump. Crow: I should get me one'o'them repeating action bazookas. Tom: Nah, better to get a semi-automatic bazooka and do the conversion yourself. The kit's only $4.95 at K-Mart. >"You can't keep this up forever, you know!," Anthony said. > Tom: He, on the other hand, is in "God" mode with unlimited ammo. >Sailor Moon knew he was right. She was beginning to tire. Crow: Maybe she shouldn't have smoked that carton of Camels before she started the fight. > Daria >knew that something had to be done. Tom: Yeah, right. Look, ya mind if I go make a thousand- year egg while you think about it? > The National Guard troops >that Mr. DeMartino contacted wouldn't arrive for two hours yet, Crow: Well, just give a speech. They'll come before you're done. >and they had to hold the Lawndale Militia at bay until then. All >seemed hopeless until Ami came up with an idea. > Tom: [Ami] I'll distract them with these yummy Hostess fruit pies! Here, militia, catch! Mike: [Corlew] Yum! For the tasty goodness of Hostess Fruit Pies, I'll forget about taking over Lawndale! >"Daria, I'll try to draw some of that fire from Usagi," she said. >"You go and free the prisoners." > Mike: Bonds. *James* Bonds. >Daria ran to the prisoners and undid their binds. "Run, get out >of here!," she yelled. They ran to safety. > Mike: Wow, she really freed the hell of those prisoners. Tom: Only to be captured by NIRAA operatives and taken back to Japan for the third- um, one hundred and third- act. Crow: Good thing they take orders as well as the firing squad did. >Ami was beginning to draw Anthony's fire. > Crow: [Ami] OK, I'm getting the charcoal sketch down, now keep your fire real still... >"Save yourself, Ami! I've got to stop him!," Usagi yelled. > >"You're our leader!," Ami said. "I'm sworn to protect you at all >costs!" > Mike: Oh, just die already! And no comin' back as a precocious superpowered dog named Scrappy either! >Daria then thought up of a plan of her own. Tom: It's a miracle! Someone's actually displaying initiative! > She stood right in >front of Anthony, who was about to fire another rocket from the >bazooka. > >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled. > Tom: I take it back. >Suddenly, the front end of the bazooka was frozen solid. Anthony >had just pressed the trigger, and not being a fool, Mike: He just plays one on TV. > flung the >thing out of the way as the rocket hit the ice and exploded the >weapon to atoms. > All: Huh? Crow: Some freakishly precise reflexes on Anthony's part. Mike: Yeah, 'cause a simple chemical reaction can initiate nuclear fission like that. [Mike snaps his fingers.] >"WE'LL BE BACK!," he roared, and then fled with the others. > Tom: Now will he have to shoot himself for retreating? >For now, the Free Lawndalers had retaken the downtown area. > >"That was pretty brave of you to do that," Sailor Moon said. > Tom: [Moon] Or pretty stupid. Whichever way, my bacon's safe. >"I just had to do what I had to do," Daria replied. > Crow: Oh. What a depressingly bad response. Tom: She just does what she has to do! o/~ La-la-LA-lala o/~ Mike: [Daria] And I just had to act out of character, just like every other moment of this sad, sad day. >Mr. DeMartino gathered the Free Lawndalers around him and said: > Tom: [DeMartino] So did you guys SEE the way I just let him SHOOT at you like THAT, without DOING anything? Pretty IMPRESSIVE, huh? >"We may have won control of the downtown area, but the enemy >still has control of the outside areas. Mike: They control the sub-suburbs. > We have to prepare >ourselves for another attack." > Crow: I propose incremental escalations of the conflict through a policy I call "Lawndale-ization". >Daria realized that the next battle will either mean the >liberation of Lawndale or the beginning of a dark age not just >for Lawndale, but for the rest of the nation as well. Crow: For as Lawndale goes, so goes the nation. Tom: I thought that's what *this* battle meant. Mike: Pete really needs to sit down and read "The Boy Who Cried Seminal Moral Consequences" >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at the Lawndale Gun Club, Anthony now was trying to rally >the troops: > Crow: [Corlew] Free Red Dog for everyone who doesn't desert the crusade! >"We have suffered a minor setback. Mike: [Corlew] Our forces have been decimated, our power base sabotaged, and our weapons proven useless, but we will rally! > But now it's time to finish >the job we started. I'm going to authorize all of you to use the >sarin grenades that I managed to acquire from some El Salvadoran >death squads. Tom: Even Pete's grenades come with an origin story! > You are hereby authorized to use these weapons in >any means necessary to finally obliterate the enemy. Mike: The troops immediately trade the grenades for back issues of "Swank" magazine. > Lawndale >will be ours!" > >Everyone yelled "DEATH TO THE ENEMY!" Tom: And so the Barney the Purple Dinosaur jihad began. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Yoriko was now flying over Yokohama, Mike: Ow! These sudden scene cuts are giving me whiplash! > the port that served Tokyo. >She had bombed many critical port facilities and factories. Tom: And that Jack La Lane's that lost her driver's license and refused to accept culpability. >Flames were everywhere. almost every critical military base that >could be of help was obliterated. Crow: Buried under a volcanic mountain of verbiage. Tom: It must be comforting for the Japanese to realize their allies are just sitting back and cooling their heels. > Yoriko was now heading for >Tokyo proper and the Imperial Palace. > >"Soon, the NIRAA will triumph!," she said. > Tom: [Yerko] Won't it, Mr. Fluffykins? Aren't you the sweetest little kitten?! Yes you are! >Yoriko was in a celebratory mood, so she cranked up "Black Monk >Time" again; Crow: I like Yerko 'cuz she plays music. There, I said it! Mike: The only hint of characterization to be found in a hundred-page radius. > she was playing "Complication." Gary Burger's >savage guitar riffs lead into his angst-driven vocals: > >"Complication!/Complication!/Complication!/Constipation!/ Mike: Gary's a unique voice, with so much to say about... his bowels, mostly. > People >cry (Complication!),/People die for you!/People kill >(Complication!),/People will for you! Crow: Wow! The new McDonald's jingle ROCKS, man! > /People run >(Complication!),/Ain't it fun for you! Tom: [slyly] Well, I'm not complaining! > /People go >(Complication!)/To their deaths for you! Mike: o/~ They kill, they die! / With tears and blood! / They reach out for a BUD! / *THIS BUD'S FOR YOU!* o/~ > /People cry (People >cry!),/People die for you (People die for you!)! Crow: So I guess it just kinda goes on from there. Tom: Yup! Crying, dying, killing, etc. It's what we do. [Crow sighs.] > /People cry >(People kill!),/People die for you (Yeah, they will for >you!)! Mike: So people will do all this, but I still can't get a plumber on a weekend? Tom: Well... > /People cry (People run!),/People die for you (Yeah, ain't >it fun for you!)! Crow: Mike, I feel the need to clarify my previous remarks? I like Yerko? But this story still sucks. Mike: [laughing] OK, Crow. Crow: I just didn't feel comfortable with that doubt hanging in the air. > /People cry (People go!),/People die for you (To >their deaths for you!)!" > Tom: You know, for a song called "Complication"? It all seems so gosh darned straightforward! Crow: People cry, people die. Not much assembly required, really. >Down below, Tokyo was not sharing Yoriko's jubilation. Mike: [pouting] Wetshirts! Can't stand anyone being happy! Tom: [Guiterrez] Laugh with me! > Against >the wishes of his advisors, Emperor Akihito decided to tour the >city. Crow: Course, the tour bus was having a hard time of it. > he remembered vividly when his father, the Showa Emperor, >toured the bombed-out areas of Tokyo in World War II in a >somewhat similar fashion; however, Hirohito was wearing his >military uniform at that time. Crow: He tried giving orders to an exposed I-beam. Sad little man. > Akihito insisted on wearing a >plaid shirt, leather jacket, casual slacks and a pair of work >boots. Mike: The Emperor of Japan or Lumberjack? You make the call! > He insisted on riding in a government motorpool vehicle >instead of either his limousine or an SDF transport as the >Cabinet suggested; Tom: Oh, I'm sure the stuffed carloads of injured survivors fleeing the death plane will be more than happy to let him through. > the latter, he said, would have been too >invocative of when his father rode on his white charger when >reviewing the troops. Mike: [Mick Jagger] o/~ Riding across the desert... on a white Arab *chaaaaaar-ger*! o/~ > He even resisted the suggestion of wearing >a Ground SDF helmet; he wore a construction worker's helmet >instead. Crow: Emperor Dork, ladies and gentlemen! > He wanted to prove that he was suffering with the >people. > Crow: Yeah, his palace was on the verge of running out of the good 1957 champagne. Mike: Doesn't this just prove he's suffering with the construction workers? >The vehicle chosen was rather plain; a dark blue Nissan Sentra >that save for the kanakaji markings indicating that it was a >"Government of Japan Motor Pool Vehicle" and the national flag >and Imperial Standard on the front fenders, Tom: Ah, just enough decoration to make him a viable target from 15,000 feet or so... > would have passed for >any vehicle in rush hour. Mike: [Jeff Foxworthy] When you give more thought to the appearance of a minor transport vehicle than to your terrorist's plans for world domination! You might be writing a fanfic. > Just in case, an SDF troop transport >followed at a discrete distance. Inside the SDF transport were >the Sailor Senshi. > Crow: And "Operation: Arrive Too Late" swings into action! Mike: They'd wisely chosen to avoid the sky, where they might have actually had to fight or something. >The bureaucrat driving the Sentra saw a bombed-out elementary >school, with National Police, SDF troops, EMS technicians and >firefighters sifting through the rubble. > Mike: [police] Keep looking! Bound to be some Pokemon cards here somewhere. >"Stop here," Akihito said. > Crow: [Emperor] I thought I saw a quarter. >The car screeched to a halt. Mike: Causing a ten car pile-up. > Everyone clambered out of their >vehicles. Tom: Then ran around them, and got back in. Crow: I love a good Chinese fire drill. > The SDF and Mobile Unit troops surrounded the area >with the Sailor Senshi staying close to him. Mike: [Emperor] If any of those cops try to pocket some rubble, arrest them. > The destruction was >horrific. The entire front facade was down, exposing the >classrooms. Crow: Maybe they should've canceled classes for the death plane. Tom: Never! > The rescue crews didn't even pause to see who was >approaching. However, the crew chief did notice. > >"Your Imperial Majesty," began the crew chief, "what brings you >here?" > Mike: [Emperor] A blue Nissan Sentra, like it says in the narration. >"I want to help," was Akihito's reply. > >He approached the rubble and began to help clear it. Crow: Your Imperial Majesty! That is actually the rubble we've cleared away. You're moving it back. > The stench >of death was hanging in the air, Tom: But not for long, thanks to new Glade(c) Plug-Ins(c). > but there was the head of state >of Japan, standing amidst all the chaos, helping to save lives. Mike: [Emperor] Ah, look! A ring on a severed hand! Bet I could pawn that for a sawbuck! >In earlier times, this would have been viewed as the act of a god >saving his people, but now it was viewed as a mere human, but a >compassionate one, not afraid to do his part in restoring order >to his nation. Crow: Akihito found he preferred it the old way. Mike: So he's playing in the dirt, instead organizing some kind of defense. Great. > Some of the older workers, mainly EMS personnel, >who had some memories of times past, stopped and bowed at the >sight of their Emperor at work. Tom: [nervous] Don't make eye contact! He'll go away, if you just don't make eye contact! > This was how one showed his >concern for the welfare of his people, and not by riding a horse >and seeing his armed forces in colorful display. > Mike: Hrmph. The Queen of Denmark gives her subjects ice cream. >Soon enough, a girl was found, barely alive. Her brown school >sweater, brown skirt and white hat were torn to tatters. Crow: What, no bra size? I'm disappointed in you! > An EMS >technician began to administer CPR on her. A few minutes later, >however, she was dead. Tom: [weepy] Oh, no! Who will bring her class demerits home for her parents' signature?! > The EMS technician closed her eyes and >faced away from her. He began to weep, the life drained from his >exhausted face. > Crow: [furious] Now wait just a- that's how that English teacher reacted back in Lawndale! Mike: [sighing] This story's a Viewmaster with one picture disk. >Sailor Mars found a boy in the rubble. HE seemed to be >miraculously all right. Mike: Because he was a guy and we're tougher'n girls and all. > He was a bit dazed, though. > >"Mama?," he said to her as he rubbed his eyes. > Crow: Maybe if I close my eyes and wish real hard this fic will go away. >That one word caused Sailor Mars to shed a tear. Tom: I'll say! Imagine that! Running into your long lost child buried in the rubble like that! > At least he had >parents waiting for him; Crow: Dead ones, to be sure, but... > she had no one now. She hugged him, >letting the tears flow. > >The Emperor surveyed the destruction. Tom: [Emperor] Ok, Destruction. If I told you John McCain spent his POW years dressing up rats as characters from "Oklahoma!", would that make you more likely, less likely, or much less likely to vote for him? If I told you the rats were dead, would that make you more likely... > The Prime Minister pulled >up soon thereafter. > Crow: [Prime Minister] Oh, there you are your majesty. I came by to tell you that Yuriko leveled another city. Would you like to drive over there and paw through their rubble too? >"All of the city is like this, Your Imperial Majesty," he said. > Mike: Gentrified! >Everywhere, there were flames, smoke, rubble and carnage. > Crow: Except at Flame, Rubble, Smoke and Carnage World, where things were quiet and tidy. >"We have endured enough, and more than enough," was what Akihito >finally said. > >Another car pulled up, and another bureaucrat appeared. > Mike: He was carrying a new supply of the vital Q34/AB12 forms. >"It would be best if you returned to the Imperial Palace, Your >Imperial Majesty," he said. Crow: That's where the death plane's heading, and it'll look weird if it blew up without people in it. > "There are some reports that you >need to look at concerning the damage." > >"I will be there shortly," was the Emperor's reply. > Tom: [Emperor] Make sure that young Skywalker is prepared for our meeting. >His mind was made up. Something had to be done about all this >chaos. Crow: [Emperor] Here, let me turn my back to it... ah! That's better! > All were looking at him now for some sign, even if it was >symbolic in nature. Anything to rally the people to help their >beleaguered government. Mike: There's nothing like filling out paperwork to inspire patriotism. > He got back to his car and the party >made its way back to the Imperial Palace. Crow: Wooo! Party at the Imperial Palace! Wooo! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at SDF HQ, Gen. Torymura received discouraging news. Tom: U-Conn had defeated Kansas. He was now out of the running for the pool. > The >government was considering surrendering to the NIRAA. Crow: But that would make too much sense. > Not only >that, the American Congress and the American president were >deadlocked about a joint resolution backing any UN efforts to >send in troops to stop the attacks. Crow: Gee, you'd think that the President would have some scandal that he needs to cover up... > Apparently the fears of >another Vietnam, another Yugoslavia or another Somalia were >hovering over them. > Tom: Why don't they all just pack up and move to the next island in the archipelago? >Ryu went to Gen. Torymura and said, "If the government >surrenders, the NIRAA will win. Mike: With razor-sharp advisers like this, Torymura can't lose. > That must not come to pass." > >Gen. Torymura then asked, "What was that saying your friend >Mamoru said, 'It's always darkest before the dawn?'" > Crow: [Ryu] I thought he said , "So this is it. We're all going to die". >Ryu replied, "Yes, that's what he said." > Mike: [Ryu] He's got this thing for cliches. >Gen. Torymura then said, "It's time to break the darkness. Tom: Begin handing out the field-issue lava lamps. > Go to >the Imperial Palace and ask for the Emperor's opinion. Mike: Then when you're done laughing, get back here! > If the >people listen to him, all may yet not be lost." > Mike: They could just shoot down the plane, right? >"Very well, Sir," said Ryu; he then left with Gov. Nagai and the >Solar Warrior. > Crow: [Ryu] So! "Nagai"! What is that, Irish? >Gen. Torymura was now alone. After he joined the SDF, he >converted to Lutheranism. Mike: He always attended Sunday morning services at the cathedral of St. Lex the Bald. > That wasn't a major handicap in Japan; >Christianity was now as much tolerated as Buddhism was before it. Mike: Accepted? No. Tolerated? Eh, as much as anything. >Even Empress Michiko was herself a Catholic and had went to a >Catholic university; Crow: I guess that explains all the Notre Dame pennants around the Imperial Palace. > she was the first non-Buddhist and non- >Shintoist to marry into the Imperial Family. Crow: Everyone thinks their family history is *so* interesting. > The Lutheran >Church, Missouri Synod--which he belonged to--had made >considerable inroads in Japan in recent years. Tom: Thanks to the Gambinos, of course. > He now knelt and >bowed his head in prayer: > Mike: [Torymura] God, please save my ass. Amen. >"Almighty and merciful God the Father, our nation now stands at a >critical crossroads in its history. Tom: Should we adopt PAL or NTSC standards? > There are those in this >nation who wish to restore the tyranny that had brought untold >suffering on countless millions just over half a century ago. Mike: The Toho studios? > If >it be Your will, stop these people from their evil intentions and >guide our nation to a new and better day. Tom: And if it be not Your will, I hope that I am well placed in the new military government. > Give to those who the >sword of the state is given to the power to quell unrest and >trouble. Mike: Long story short? Just smite something! > Look with Your mercy over our troops, and if they fall >in combat, take them into Your Kingdom as honored war dead. Tom: Huh. I didn't know Lutherans believed in Valhalla. > All >this I ask of You, the Ruler of this Universe, in the name of >Your Son Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, who >with You and the Holy Spirit reigns and lives now and forever, >Amen." > Mike: Oh. And if you could stop the death plane, that'd be cool. Amen. Crow: You guys *do* know you just riffed a prayer, right? Mike: Thanks. I'm not already nervous enough. >Gen. Torymura now left the battle to God. That was all he could >do now. Crow: Well, he could go out and give orders to the troops... Tom: Let's take a rest before the big battle. [They exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [The Bridge is dark, although movement can be seen in the background.] Magic Voice: [V.O.] Ladies and Gentlemen, the Satellite of Love is proud to present: The Data 13 recap! [A spotlight shines down to reveal Tom, who has a pair of airplane wings strapped onto his torso.] Tom: Ha-ha! With the help of the Death Plane, I shall rain death down upon Tokyo! But first some music! [Tinny music begins to play in the background.] Music: o/~ I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over o/~ Tom: Ha! Die Tokyo! DIE! [The spotlight on Tom goes dim as another spotlight shines on Crow and Mike, who both wear army-style helmets.] Crow: The Death Plane's a'coming. Mike: Yep. Crow: Should we stop it? Mike: Thinking about it. [Gypsy is illuminated by a spotlight.] Gypsy: For once, when I was on patrol, I did nothing as the Soviets attacked the KAL 007 flight, which I saw them doing as I was on patrol nearby as the Soviets were attacking the flight, of which I was near. [Tom, sans wings, is lit.] Tom: Panama, Albania, Taiwan, Venezuela, Canada, Iowa, Pakistan, Chad, Peru, Uganda, Paraguay... [Crow, once again wearing his Sailor outfit.] Crow: Like, wow. My parents were aboard that flight that the Soviets attacked, of which I am aware of as my parents were passengers upon that doomed flight which the Soviets shot down which my parents were on.... [Mike, dressed normally.] Mike: I once thought the Emperor was a god. But now I vow to make Japan a shining beacon of hope in this world! [Crow, now wearing fatigues.] Crow: I'm in charge of this town now! BWHA-HA-HA!!!!! [Gypsy, also wearing fatigues, is lit.] Gypsy: Eat lead, you fascist scum! [Gypsy and Crow go dark and Tom and Mike, both wearing formal attire are lit.] Mike & Tom: o/~ Monks! o/~ [Crow, wearing a sash, is illuminated.] Crow: Say! Why don't I head out on the town and let the Death Plane shoot at a moving target for a while? [Gypsy, also wearing a sash.] Gypsy: I see dead people! [Mike, wearing his army helmet again.] Mike: Dear lord, WHY WON'T THIS END?!?! Oh, and please smite the Death Plane for me. Thanks. [The bridge goes dark again.] Magic Voice: [V.O.] Join us soon for our recap of Data 14, which includes... [Crow and Tom, wearing army helmets, are spotlit.] Bots: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble! o/~ [Mike appears in spotlight.] Mike: Dude! [Gypsy] Gypsy: Hmm. I need a bikini. [The lights shut off, except for the now-flashing lights of Misery sign.] Magic Voice: [V.O.] All this and more in the next installment of "The Masterful Snooze-Alarm Nipsy Russell Bloomingdale's Diaries!" Coming up right now! Crow: [V.O.] AHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!! Mike: [V.O.] I can't find the lights! Tom: [V.O.] Found it! AHHH! MISERY SIGN!!! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [As usual, the crew enters the theater.] Mike: And now a brief recape of us entering the theater... Crow: It's over, Mike. Let it go. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 14: Corlew's Last Stand > Crow: Aw, man, he's telegraphing the ending! Mike: He's also implying action, but I'll bet there are three or four twelve-hour speeches lurking in the underbrush. >The Lawndale Militia was beginning to move out of its bunker >beneath the Lawndale Gun Club. Every soldier was equipped with >serin grenades. Crow: [announcer] Plus exciting life-like Kung Fu grip! > Somehow, this new offensive seemed to carry with >it the air of a suicide mission. Tom: I wonder if the fact that they're carrying highly toxic nerve gas with them has anything to do with it? > As the last soldiers left the >compound, Anthony Corlew turned around. Mike: It was a total eclipse of the heart. Tom: o/~ Turn around, Bright Eyes... Turn around, BRIIIGHT Eyes! o/~ > He took out a remote >control device and pressed the lone red button on it. Mike: The remote exploded. It was all so very pointless. > The entire >Lawndale Gun Club complex was blown up via hidden ordnance packs >hidden in strategic points around the area. Crow: Wow, when they said they were going to bomb the house for fleas, I didn't think they'd be so literal. > "If I fail in this, >there won't be a trace of this facility left so they won't have >any evidence against me.," Anthony said to himself. Tom: [Corlew] Aside from the debris and wreckage, of course. Oh, and when I declared martial law in front of a few thousand witnesses. Apart from that, nothing! > The Lawndale >Militia was moving towards the downtown area, perhaps for the >last time. Mike: What do we want?! Bots: To make a last desperate defense of our coup, while destroying as much evidence of its occurrence as possible! Mike: When do we want it?! Bots: Now! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Cliff Notes Beefcake Neoprene Ha-Ha! >Downtown Lawndale looked like a tornado had struck it. Crow: Cows were flying all over the place, and Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt were busily necking non-stop. > The Free >Lawndalers just had to hang on for another hour until the >National Guard arrived. Tom: Just enough time for a quick crotch kicking! Where's Jake? > Daria, Usagi, Ami and the others were at >the ready. Upchuck, the geeky kid in school, went up to Daria. > Crow: [Upchuck] Daria? Is there Pez in heaven? >"After this is all over, you want to go to my foxhole and make >love, not war? ROWR!," Upchuck said to Daria. > Crow: Ugh! How many more of these detestable characters will get shoved in our face? >"Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, I'll >personally demonstrate on you what Lorena Bobbitt did to John >Wayne Bobbitt!," Daria replied. Tom: She'll make a proto-celebrity out of an icky dweeb? Crow: They replaced Daria's rapier wit with a bloody great cudgel. > Upchuck got the hint and got >away from her. > Crow: [Upchuck,weeping] I just want her to like me! Is it so wrong? >"This is it, everyone!," Mr. DeMartino said, "This is the battle >that will either mean the end of the Lawndale Militia or the >beginning of a dark age for this town! Mike: [DeMartino] Or maybe we'll just be THROWING our lives away for a POINTLESS stalling tactic. But I'm PRETTY sure it's between the FIRST two! Crow: Especially since Lawndale will be cut off from the rest of the third dimension. > We've got to hold on >until the National Guard arrives." > Crow: What, they comin' by UPS? Tom: David Lean movies move faster than this! MIke: I think they're waiting for those sanctions to kick in. >Just then, there was a commotion at the edge of town. The >Lawndale Militia was arriving! Mike: o/~ Oh, the Lawndale Militia is a' COM-in' down the street! And they've brought free pizza and beer! o/~ > Anthony was at the front of the >troops. They had gas masks on, and it looked like they were going >to launch a terrifying attack. > Mike: That, or they're gonna beef big time. >"On my signal, fire the sarin bombs!," Anthony said. > Crow: Man, if only ONE villain could keep a secret! >The troops got ready to pull the pins on the grenades and throw >them. Mike: [scared] Grenade pins! They'll take out your eye! RUUUN! > There would be mere seconds to stop the attack before the >deadly serin gas would be released. > Crow: Wait- is it "sarin" or "serin"? Tom: We're spellin' it both ways to be sure. Mike: I before e, except after c, or when sounded like "a" and there's a bloody great gas grenade headed towards you. >"Leave this up to me!," Usagi said. She spread her wings and >began to fly. > Crow: o/~ Spread your little wings and fly away. Fly away, far away o/~ >The Militiamen had now pulled the pins. The only thing that >separated Death from Lawndale Tom: -were the rational zoning laws mandating Death construction not take place within twenty yards of the town square! > was the safety handles and a mere >five seconds. Mike: Plus a court order. > They were ready to throw the grenades. > Tom: There's nothing to worry about. Turns out the grenades are seratonin, not sarin. >"THROW AT WILL!," Anthony said. > Crow: Suddenly, Commander Riker broke and ran like the simpering coward he was. >The grenades were being thrown at a rapid-fire pace. Suddenly, >Usagi flew right above them, and waved her Moon Scepter around >the general area. > Tom: [Usagi] You there! Stop tossing those grenades and bring me a glass of nectar immediately! Mike: At once, your majesty! Crow: So, she's waving her scepter around the general's area? >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," shouted Sailor Moon. > Crow: Gibberish power! >The energy hit the grenades and turned them all into harmless >dust, Mike: [pleasantly] Releasing the deadly sarin gas harmlessly into the atmosph- [stops] wait a minute. > which then fell on the attackers. > Tom: [Usagi] Now feel the power of Endust, miscreants! Mike: Luckily the militia members had been Scotch-guarded. >"GET THEM NOW WHILE WE'VE GOT THE ADVANTAGE!," Mr. DeMartino >yelled. > Tom: [Daria] Say "please"! >All the Free Lawndalers advanced on the bewildered Militia. The >fighting was fierce. Mike: And off-screen! > Casualties were heavy on both sides, but >the superior numbers of the Free Lawndalers was beginning to >tell. Mike: [dully] Wow. The gripping imagery. I feel like I'm in the middle of the fighting. Crow: Come on, Mike! This is just like the climatic end to the end of the video to "I'm Free!" See? There's Kenny Loggins running away from a theater! Mike: Are you feeling okay, Crow? Crow: I don't know anymore. I think reality is beginning to warp around me. Tom: On the bright side, though, we've just drastically reduced our Bacon number for this fanfic! > Soon, one of the Militiamen was yelling, "Everyone for >himself, and the Devil take the hindmost!" *pop* Pitch: Gladly, my friend! *pop* Tom: Hey, how'd he... Crow: Oh,I gave him a spare key in case of emergency. Mike: WHAT?!?!?!? Crow: Geez, Nelson, don't blow a fuse. I *said* it was just in case of emergency! Mike: But you can't - I mean - oh, never mind! We'll talk about this later. > Suddenly, Anthony saw >his support dissipating. > Crow: His underwire support had given way. Mike: [Corlew] Come back and die, or I'll kill you! >"Come back here and fight, or I'll shoot every last one of you!," Tom: Death threats! A sure-fire way to increase morale! >Anthony said. But it was no use. He was all alone now. > Mike: Yes, even the voices had left him. Crow: [Corlew] Oh. Look. I'm surrounded by Senshi. Well. Heh-heh. o/~ You're a grand old flag, you're a high flying flag! And forever in peace may you wave! o/~ Are you buying this? >"Give yourself up," Daria said. "The National Guard will be here >soon, and they're going to restore law and order here." > Mike: Jerry Orbach and Sam Watterson save the day! Crow: Maybe they'll bring Angie Harmon with them too! Hubba hubba! Tom: I yield to the prosecution, heh heh heh! >"NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO JACK-BOOTED THUGS LIKE THEM!," Mike: [Corlew] ONLY TO THUGS IN AIR JORDANS! OR MOCASSINS! OR MAYBE SOME KICKY LOAFERS! >Anthony roared and fled to St. Eligus' Presbyterian Church, >which had a tall bell tower. Mike: Maybe he'll shoot Howie Mandel. > Daria, Usagi, Ami, Jane, Trent and >Jesse were in hot pursuit. > Crow: So do guns only work in firing squads in Pete's world? Tom: I think it's more like: You know. May as well chase him. Somethin' to do. >Anthony got there first, Mike: Well, yes. That's the definition of "chase". > and ran up the stairs, first jimmying >the door so it wouldn't open. Daria got there soon after. > >"The door's been jimmied closed. I can't open it," she said. > Tom: Um, can you really jimmy something *closed*?! Crow: Quick! Help me jam it open! >"Stand back!," Usagi said; she then shouted, "SAILOR MOON KICK!" > All: HAI-KEEBA! >The door was kicked into splinters. Tom: But her shoes are undamaged! (chuckles) > She and the others ran up >the stairs to the top of the bell tower. Mike: [Usagi] [pant, pant] Oh! --- John Paul Getties! --- Did you see some colorless militia guy go past here? > Anthony was there, >armed with an AK-47, some white phosphorus grenades and a Bowie >knife. > Tom: It plays "Blue Jeans" when you stab someone. Crow: Oh, Knife, With Occasional Music. >"STAND BACK! I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF YOU DON'T!," he yelled. > Crow: [Daria] Hey, no prob. Trent, go make a chalk outline of Tony at the base of the tower. Save some time. >Sailor Moon stood in front of everyone else and said: > All: [crying] NOOO-HO-HO! Tom: [weeping] Will someone please shove that scepter down her throat?! >"You evil man! Crow: Bad militiaman! Bad! Bad! No! Go lie down! Go! > Trying to subvert the very nation and government >you claim to be saving! Mike: You may have missed the irony of that, which is why I take this moment to mention it! > I am the pretty soldier Eternal Sailor >Moon, champion of love and justice! Mike: [Usagi] Plus, I'm a boom anime babe that makes you think the wrong thing! > In place of the Moon, you're >punished!" > Tom: Psst! Hey, no adlibbing! Mike: What did the moon do that was so bad? Crow: It was throwing spitwads at Venus and Pluto, and calling Saturn a "big fat ring-head". >"You're not in Tokyo anymore, you Jap bitch!," Anthony said, and >flung his Bowie knife right at Usagi. > Crow: [downcast] Oh, don't toy with us. A plane couldn't kill her. This won't cut it. >Daria tugged on a rope, causing a bell to ring and strike the >knife out of harm's way. > All: Huh!? Mike: [little girl] Look daddy! Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel creates an incomprehensible plot contrivance! Crow: [Jimmy Stewart] That's right, sweetheart! That's right! >Daria now stared at him. > Tom: OK, speech time guys. Get your legs into gnaw-off position. >"Why are you waging this war for?," she asked. > Crow: [pathetic] I just wanted you to pay some attention to me. You and Jane have grown so distant... >Anthony replied, "To bring back constitutional government." > Mike: And turtlenecks. I really like turtlenecks. >Daria responded, "Then why do you want to establish a >dictatorship that is the complete antithesis of everything that >the Founding Fathers fought for in the Constitution? Tom: Well, everybody's gotta have a hobby. > About sixty >years ago, another group existed that blamed their nation's >problems on minority groups and a so-called decadent government. Mike: These people were called, "The Cincinnati Reds". >They eventually got into power and killed many who opposed them. >They were called the Nazis. Crow: [Corlew] Never heard of'em! > Groups like yours keep saying that >the letter of the Constitution must be obeyed, Crow: And that letter is "C"! > but you violate >its spirit by trying to deny rights to minorities and others who >disagree with you. Tom: And that beret! I mean, c'mon! What that all about? > Besides, if you really take over this >country, what is to stop the same groups you persecute from >forming their own terrorist organizations like the Black Panthers >and the FALN? Crow: If they do, da Prez will just pardon them when his wife runs for office in that state too. > Groups like yours forget that violence only brings >on more violence. Your vision of the Americana Dream is everyone >else's nightmare, Tom: The Americana dream? Mike: That's where everyone has their homes and offices decorated like Main Street USA, circa 1915. > and I won't allow you to bring that to >reality." > Crow: [Corlew] I'll make you Surgeon General? Tom: [Daria] Deal! >"Then you are a traitor!," yelled Anthony. > >"No, you're the traitor, Mr. Corlew," Daria replied. > Crow: No, you are! Tom: No, *you* are! Crow: No YOU'RE the traitor! Tom: No YOU'RE the traitor! Traitor, traitor pants on freighter! >Anthony screamed "DIE, TRAITOR!" and lunged for the Bowie knife. Mike: Then he put on his red shoes and danced the blues. >Daria got there as well and a fierce struggle began. Crow: [Daria] Traitoroid! Tom: [Corlew] Traitorhead! > They were >rolling around the floor, Tom: OK! So, the Sailor Twerps all have massive, all- encompassing superpowers that up and *leave* them during fight scenes! > getting perilously close first to the >opening for the ropes, then to the edge of the tower. Crow: Then to the edge of credibility. Tom: We slipped off that particular edge a long time ago, my friend. > Punches >were exchanged. Tom: Hey, Mike, we should exchange punches, too. Mike: You're right, Servo. Here, here's some of that mixed fruit punch I was telling you about. [hands Tom a cup] Tom: Hey, great. By the way, Crow, this is that orange/ pineapple punch we had at Gypsy's shower. [Mike passes a cup to Crow] Crow: Thanks, Tom. Oh, and Mike, you might like this tastefully tart lemon-champagne punch. Mike: Thanks, Crow. [takes cup from Crow] > Blood was spilled. Crow: Feelings were hurt! Mistakes were made! > Usagi and the others stood >there helplessly. Mike: Heck, it's chapter 14. Why should they change their methods now? Crow: Remember, Sailor Kiddies - when your teammate is in deadly mortal danger, rushing to their aid is quite rude! > Daria knocked the knife out of Anthony's hand. >Anthony then locked Daria in a chokehold and threw her up against >the ledge. > >"You can't stop us all! Tom: What, he's multiple personality all of a sudden? Crow: "The Three Fascists of Eve"! > There's too many like us all over the >country!," Anthony bellowed. "Now I'm going to snap your neck!" > Tom: But first, a speech! Crow: [Daria] Uck... guys... a little... help... now... GAAXCK! >Everyone knew they had to do something now. Tom: They could ring the bell, thereby freeing Daria from the choke hold...? Mike: My mom told me you have to wait 30 minutes after eating before you rescue someone. > Trent saw the Bowie >knife there on the floor and picked it up. > Crow: See a steak knife, pick it up, all day long you'll have a steak knife in your pocket! Mike: [Trent] Woah. Where'd *this* come from? >"I WON'T LET YOU MURDER THE WOMAN I LOVE!," Trent yelled > Mike: [Trent] But since Sarah Michelle Gellar isn't here, I'll just keep you from killing Daria! >Anthony turned around to see Trent throw the knife right into his >heart. Tom: Not since George Clooney starred in "Batman and Robin" has a performer been so true to the character. > Anthony stood there for a second, then drew the knife >out. > Mike: Geez! What is it about these cartoon characters that makes them so hard to off? Tom: They need a Super-Soaker filled with dip. >"I'll take you with me, you welfare-cheating hippie!," he managed >to spurt out. Mike: The killer from "Halloween" got bitter and goofy in his old age. > He was ready to fling the knife back at Trent. > >Usagi, however, ran up to him. > Crow: [Usagi] Hi! Have you been helped? >"SAILOR MOON KICK!," Crow: And turn and kick and turn and prance and wheeeee! > she yelled and kicked him real hard. > Mike: Hence the term "Kick" in the phrase "Sailor Moon Kick". Tom: [Usagi] Hey guys! Suddenly it occurs to me that our superpowers allow us to DO things! Crow: Well, at least no one got kicked in the testicles this time. >The force of the kick threw Anthony clear of the ledge and out of >the tower. Anthony yelled "AAAAAAAAAA!" as he plunged the one >hundred feet to the ground. Crow: Really? I thought it was more of a "YYEEEEIEIIIIIIEIIIII!" > The body made a great "SPLAT!" upon >impact, Tom: Oh my. > then was ran over by a Humvee troop transport, Mike: Oh dear. > an M1A1 >Abrams tank, Crow: Goodness me. > and a National Guard unit singing Fleetwood Mac's >"Tusk": > Mike: And then a shark swam up and ate him, right? Tom: Hey, if it was funny enough for Zucker, Abrams and Zucker, it's funny enough for Pete. Mike: o/~ Pow-Wow, the Indian... o/~ Crow: Let's skip it this time, okay? >"Why don't you ask him/If he's going to stay?/ Crow: Well, 'cuz he left. I mean, c'mon. > Why don't you ask >him/If he's going away?/ Mike: So Guerin as a kid didn't have a tape recorder, and he just transcribed songs from the radio? Tom: Looks that way. > Why don't you tell me/What's going >on?/ Crow: More to the point, why won't someone tell *us* what's going on? > Why don't you tell me/Who's on the phone?/ Tom: It's the author: he wants to know what's going on, too. Crow: Really? Tom: Yeah, he apparently lost control of the story around chapter two. > Why don't you ask >him/What's going on?/Why don't you ask him/The latest on his >throne?/ Tom: That's one long marching band. Mike: Well at least the band's not going on about its mysterious origins on the planet Meloditron! > Don't say that you love me!/ Tom: o/~ baby, I don't wanna know... o/~ > Just say that you want >me!/Don't say that you love me!/Just say that you want >me!/Tusk!/Tusk!/Tusk!" > Crow: Yes, whole battalions of troops are marching around to the beat of 1970's neo-disco! >Jesse saw the whole thing and then said, "Trent, this is bumming >me out, man!" > Crow: [Jesse] I was rooting for Anthony. >Trent replied, "I know, man, but it had to be done." > Crow: Wanna spit at the body? Betcha can't hit the eye! >Jesse added, "My Uncle Phil went the same way." > Tom: Guerin got him too, huh? >Daria could now see that the National Guard had arrived. > Mike: They were a bit winded from the long walk from the parking lot. >"This is the National Guard! You are to surrender immediately! >You are completely surrounded!," a voice said on a bullhorn. Crow: And they're here just in the nick of too late. > >Daria went to Trent and said, "Thanks for saving my life." Mike: [Trent] Dude! > >"I'll never let anyone hurt you, Daria," Trent said as he >embraced her. They French kissed. > Crow: Oh. How creepily romantic! >Some National Guard soldiers clambered up the tower. One of them >asked, "Is everyone all right?" > Tom: [Trent] Well I feel disconnected and abused by this society, but other than that, yeah, I'm cool. Mike: [soldier] We thought we heard a- hey! You durn smoochers! >"Yes, everything's fine now," Jane said. She had this satisfied >smile on her face as she saw her brother and Daria continue to >kiss. Mike: [Jane] Wrong! God, Trent, do I have to show you everything?! Daria, come here! > She wasn't going to forget this moment anytime soon. Tom: It'd be with her in those long, dark, lonely hours of the early morning... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Sometime later, the National Guard was beginning to restore >order. Crow: [general] OK, troops, sort those playing cards by suits, while the sergeant and I alphabetize these parked cars! > Trucks full of captured Lawndale Militia soldiers were >being routed out of town to Powell Armory, where the unit was >stationed. Mike: [captives] Do you guys have a game room? Tom: [guard] Yup! With billiards and an old Pac-Man machine! Mike: [captives] Wow! Righteous! > The mayor, along with the commanding officer of the >unit, approached Daria and the others as they came down from the >bell tower. > Tom: Kinda makes you wonder what they were doing up there for all that time, don't it? Crow: [Mayor] Hey! Who's paying for all this damage?!? >"This town--in fact, the whole nation--owes you an immeasurable >debt of gratitude, young lady," the commander, who was Col. >Thomas Wood, said to Daria. > Tom: [chortling, ala Butthead] He said "Wood". Mike: [pointing finger] Don't even start. >"No need to thank just me, Colonel," Daria said, Mike: [Daria] I didn't really want to, but it was in the script. > "this was a team >effort." Crow: And our hats off to the Lawndale Militia! They put up one helluva fight! > She threw her arms around Usagi and Ami, then motioned >to the rest of her friends. > Mike: [press] Daria! That play in the second half where the Japanese butterfly girl blew the serin gas away! Was that the turning point? >"Ms. Morgendorffer," the mayor said, "words can't even begin to >express our thanks to you and the others who freed our town from >this menace." > Crow: But I suspect that "wrongful," "death," "endangerment," and "destruction of public property" will all figure prominently. >Mr. DeMartino now approached with Ms. Li. Somehow, the usually >pushy Ms. Li was rather downtrodden. > Crow: After the soldiers tromped Corlew's body, they marched over her for good measure. Tom: Ah! This is the scene that underlines the strong feminist credentials of the story. Mike: Yes, it shows that women can both fly around in sailor bikinis, and be pushy and obnoxious and wrong! >"Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino said, "I think you owe the good citizens >of this city an explanation for the callous disregard for the >public's safety and the shameless huckstering of corporate >sponsorship and waste of taxpayers' money you made with your >silly football game." > Crow: [DeMartino] The REST of us PLAINLY foresaw the coming nuclear JIHAD, MILITIA takeover, plane CRASH, and Sailor MOON crossover! Why didn't YOU? >"Ms. Li," the mayor said, "I intend to have the Board of >Education audit your school's entire finances. Mike: We'll divert all that sweet National Disaster Relief money to fund the investigation! > I think you have >some major explanations to make to myself, the City Council and >the State Education Department for all this." > Tom: You been holdin' out on our cut again? >"When I'm eventually vindicated," Ms. Li said, "You're going to >pay, DeMartino!" > >"I seriously doubt that!," Mr. DeMartino said, his right eye >bulging out again. Mike: Ah! Tuck it in, tuck it in! > "I've got some very convincing evidence here >that will prove my case. Crow: [DeMartino] It's this story I found called "THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE". It explains everything! Tom: He must have a different draft than we do. > Once they're done with you, you'll >never become school superintendent here or anywhere else." > Mike: Three years later... Tom: [secretary] Governor Li, some bug-eyed loser is here to see you? >Ms. Li just slunk away. > Crow: Slunk? Tom: Slank? Mike: Slinked? Crow: Ah, forget it - that's an unconjugatable! >"As much as we'd like to stand here and collect all this praise," >Daria said, "we've still got some outstanding business to deal >with in Tokyo, right, everyone?" > Mike: [Daria] We're signing an endorsement deal with Toshiba. >"You said it, Daria," Sailor Moon said. > >Daria then added, "But, before that, there's just one little >detail I want to take care of." > Mike: She reaches from the text and slaps Guerin across the face... >Sailor Moon asked, "What's that?" > Tom: [Daria] I need to get back into character. Right now I could be just anybody. >Daria replied, "Change my costume from this stupid seirafuku to >one of those armored bikinis I keep seeing in your anime back in >Japan." > Crow: [Daria] And then, could you have one of those tentacle demons appear? That'd be cool! Mike: Apparently, danger turns Daria into an exhibitionist. >Sailor Moon was aghast in shock; she then said, "Are you kidding >me?" > Tom: If only! >"Hey, you just saved my life; it's the least you could do," shot >back Daria. > Tom: [Daria] Sure! I save your life, you let me prance around like a Hooters girl! Mike: Makes sense. >"OK, OK," Usagi said. She took the Moon Scepter and waved it in >front of Daria. > Tom: Double, double, toil and trouble! >"MOON TRANSFORMATION MAGIC!," she yelled. > Crow: And Daria is transformed into a copy of that Gabrielle chick on 'Xena', with a bare midriff and the same color hair. >Daria was transformed again, and this time she was wearing a blue >armored bikini with blue knee-length boots. Mike: And a come-hither look that made men drool! > On her left breast >was the symbol for Mercury. > Mike: The whole story's been leading up to this. The breast- comparisons, the lack of bras, everything leading to this one moment. Tom: The mind reels at the sheer wankiness of it all. >"Now you're talking," Daria said. > Crow: [morose] What else is new? >"OK, who's with us?," Sailor Moon wanted to know. > >Jane, Trent and Jesse raised their hands. Mike: Oh, good! Put more mortals in danger! Tom: So, once again, the brave Senshi ensnare more naïve innocents in their treacherous web of deceit! > "Count us in, too!," a >voice said nearby. It was Mack and Jodie. > Tom: [Mack] We want some of those armored bikinis too! >"Mack, Jodie, you want to join us as well?," said Daria. > >Mack replied, "Hey, I want to help; besides, I want to know if my >cousin is OK." > Tom: [Mack] He lives in Davenport, Iowa. Could you drop me off there? >"He is, I assure you," Daria said. "But you're more than welcome >to join us anyway." > Mike: So where are Brittany and Kevin in this reunion scene? Tom: Oh, them! Kevin tried to shoot a militiaman and dropped the gun, the bullet pierced Brittany's lung, she's in a morgue drawer, and the National Guard arrested Kevin on manslaughter charges! >"OK, as they say in railroading, Mike: "My God, we're bankrupt!" > 'ALL ABOARD!'", Usagi said. Tom: As I say during bad fanfics: 'KILL ME NOW'! [pause] Tom: [softly] Sorry. >"Everyone gather around me." They did so. Tom: [Usagi] Group hug! Oh, you're all so precious! > Sailor Moon help up >the Moon Scepter and said, "MOON TELEPORTATION ACTIVATION!" Mike: [Usagi, at scepter] Work! Come on, *work*, you stupid piece of Japanese crap! > They >were gone in a flash. > Crow: Wally West and Jay Garrick join the fight against Yerko! >"Godspeed, Daria Morgendorffer, godspeed," the mayor said. Crow: I feel an uncontrollable surge of emotion rising up in me. Mike: Can you contain it? Crow: I'll try. *urp* But have a barf bag ready just in case. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: o/~ It was a one-eyed, one-horned, "Missing Bippy Gleeful Cheater"! o/~ >Back at Tokyo, Yoriko All: YERKO! Crow: Who can turn the world on with her smile? Mike: I don't know, but I think Yerko just shot her. > was so close to the Imperial Palace she >could almost sense the impending victory. She was looking >forward to this for a long time. > Crow: And she will be looking forward to it a long time ago. Mike: Kind of an obscurist grammar riff, isn't it. Crow: I just calls it as I sees it, Mikey. >"Soon, Father, you will be vindicated!," she yelled. > Tom: Fred MacMurray? Mike: Darth Vader? Tom: Worf, son of Mogh? >Unless a miracle happened, Japan would once again be in the iron >grip of tyranny. [A neigh comes from off screen.] All: Miracle! Mike: No problem. Gregory Hines and Mel Brooks will take care of her. Tom: Let's ride that horsie on out of here... [The trio exits.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [As the doors open, in the foreground, we see Crow once again speaking on the phone. In the background, Mike sits behind a computer sitting on a small table, typing furiously on the keyboard.] Crow: [on the phone] Brittany? Me again. No! Don't hang up! Look, I'm sorry about that last call. I'm under a lot of stress right now, and I'm afraid that I snapped a little and I fixated on you. I'm really sorry about that. I know that you have a new beau and I wish you the best. [pause] Still, if you ever were to leave Kev, I'm right here. I'm a better man that he'll ever be, Brit! DUMP HIM! COME UP HERE AND LIVE WITH ME! BRIT? BRIT! [Tom enters as Crow hangs up the phone.] Tom: Talking to no one again? Crow: [Sigh] Yes. Tom: Well, I'm sure you'll start obsessing about someone else really soon. [Nods towards Mike.] What's up with farm boy? Crow: Oh, Mike's decided to create a website. [rolls eyes] Right now he's writing an essay. Tom: Really? [Tom moves behind Mike, to take a look at the screen.] Tom: A review of Grape Jelly? Are they some new band? Crow: No, he's reviewing jelly. Mike: [mumbling] Those jerks at Smuckers think that they're so hot, well, I'll show them... [Tom hovers back over to Crow.] Tom: Ooookay. Crow: Earlier he was writing an essay about Locke's philosophies and how they relate to Ford Pintos. Tom: So, he's lost it then? Crow: Look likely. Should we call Pearl and admit defeat? Tom: Might as well. Oh, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] [The castle appears to in the midst of a major battle. Explosions can be seen in the background and the sound of gunfire is ever present. Every few moments, a camouflaged figure or two crosses by in the background.] Pearl: Can't talk now, Tim. [SoL] Crow: Hey Pearl? Did you invite Puff Daddy over for tea? [snicker] Tom: Or are hosting a dinner party for Claudine Longet? [Both bots are barely containing their laughter.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, ha ha. No, apparently my little castle has become the focal point in a struggle between several different factions of psychos, all out to control the world. [SoL] Tom: So you're annoyed that they're wrecking your castle? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [whining] No, I'm annoyed because none of these people is fighting for *me*. I'm the person who's supposed to be running the world! Me! [Behind Pearl, more people rush out from opposite sides of the Castle. Each shouts as they run in.] Soldier #1: Viva la Resistance! Soldier #2: Remember the Maine! Soldier #3: RESPECT MA AUTHORITA! Soldier #4: It'll save up to 10% over AT&T! [The soldiers become embroiled in a desperate shootout.] Pearl: See? Did any of them shout out "Give me Pearl or give me death" or "Pearl's much better looking than Winona Ryder"? No. Hrmph. [SoL] Crow: Why aren't Observer and Bobo helping you? Tom: Sure! They're your lackeys! I'm sure that they'd shout out some slogans for you before dying a horrible death! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, believe me, I tried. But Brain Guy's still a pacifist. And Bobo... [Bobo enters, still talking on the cordless phone.] Bobo: ...uh-huh. Well, I can certainly see why people see more symbolism in "Wedding Peach" than they so in "Cowboy BeBop". Look, I've got a pie in... uh-huh. Yes. No, really. I'd love to hear all about the philosophy behind "Detective Conan"... [Bobo exits.] Pearl: ... well, I can't pry him off that damn phone. He just won't stop talking. I feel sorry for whoever's on the other side of that phone. [A clean shaven young man wearing a sweater enters and walks over to Pearl.] Man: Excuse me? Pearl: [Sigh] Look, I told you people before, I am not going to be taken hostage. Man: I'm just looking for the bathroom, ma'am. Pearl: Oh. It's down the hall to your right, just past the cyclotron, but before you get to the TV room. Man: Thanks! Pearl: By the way, you don't look like the other combatants. Which faction are you with? Man: Oh, I'm not a soldier. I'm with "Up With People". We're performing in the USO show in your foyer. Bob Hope: [O.S.] Man, I gotta tell you. This castle's so old, I useta meet Crosby and Dorothy Lamour here for Espresso! Boy, she was really somethin' in her day, huh? *Rrrrrrrrr* Hey, speakin' of lovely ladies how about givin' a warm Castle Forrester welcome to the stunning Miss Brooke Shields! [The man exits.] Pearl: Guys, you have to help me. It's *Up with People*! [SoL] Crow: Wow. Tom: No one deserves that. Not even you, Pearl. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Thank you, Todd. [SoL] Crow: Still, there's not a whole lot we can do up here for you though. Tom: Yep. But we'll watch all of the coverage of the fighting on CNN. Crow: It's the least we can do. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Thanks you two. Mark my words, when I find that copy of "The Glass Jun.." [At this point, Pearl is cut off as throngs of people burst into the room shouting. They quickly encircle Pearl and, while their guns point at Pearl, one of them steps over to Pearl. He wears an orange shirt that seems to be made of scales and green pants of the same material. He also has long blonde hair and a beard. And he looks nothing like Kevin Murphy with a wig and a dyed beard. No. Really.] Bearded Man: Ocean Master! Your reign of evil is at an end! [SoL] [The trio look nervously at each other.] Crow: Um, Aquaman? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Excuse me, but what the heck are you doing in my castle? Aquaman: Your castle? Isn't this 423 Armageddon Way? Pearl: That's across town! Aquaman: Oh. Blast. We're in the wrong place, guys. [murmured] I knew that I shouldn't have asked Kyle for directions. [normal] Come on, guys. [Aquaman and the multitude file out of the castle, leaving Pearl alone.] Pearl: Oh, so that's it, is it? I'm not important enough to keep from taking over the world, am I? Not even one of you was here to stop me? Voice: I was. [A nebbish looking man enters and walks over to Pearl, shaking his first.] Man: I'm wise to your plans, Forrester, and I won't stand idly by while you take over the world! [Pearl stares at him for a moment, and then punches him in the jaw. The man goes down (fill in something funny here.) Pearl turns back to the camera.] Pearl: Well, what are you staring at? Get back in the Theater! [SoL] [Lights are flashing.] Tom: Come on, Mike! WE GOT SAILOR SENSHI PRATTLE SIGN!!! Mike: Wait! I have to finish my latest chapter of my serial novel! Crow: It's too late!! AHHHHH!!!!! [The door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Tom and Crow push Mike into the theater.] Mike: Guys! I have to finish my website! I'm going to Call it "Johnny Giganto Liver!" It'll be great! Crow: Sit down, Mike! Mike: Fine. But when I send out those $1.18 checks, don't you be expecting one. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 15: Sailor Misery Chick Takes to the Skies > Crow: o/~ Off we go... into the an-ti-cli-max! o/~ >Gen. Torymura and Mamoru were both pacing the floor. The waiting >was the hardest part in any battle. Mike: Except for that 'getting shot at and dying' part. > One did not know until the >troops came back as to who survived and who was injured or dead. > Crow: But they're all drafted civilians, so it's okay. >"They've got to be OK!," Mamoru finally said. > Mike: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. >Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light. Tom: They were now revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. > Usagi, Daria, >Ami, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Mack and Jodie had finished their >teleportation. Crow: Jodie's head is on Ami's body with Daria's leg comin' from Jesse's chest. > Mamoru couldn't hold back his feelings. > Tom: [Mamoru] Not them again! >"Usako, you're back!," Mamoru said as he ran to her and kissed >her. Mike: [Mamoru] But ugh! What are all these hideous leech-like growths attached to you? Crow: [Jane] Um, hi. Jane Lane. Charmed. > "I was worried." He then took a look at Daria. "Daria, >what's with the bikini?" > Tom: [Daria] I got involved in a suicide bikini frisbee match. We would have won too if that idiot Torg didn't keep getting tackled... >"Long story, Mamoru," Daria said. > >Mamoru noticed that Ami was with them. "Ami, you're alive! What >happened?" > >"As Daria just said, it's a long story," Ami said. > Crow: It started with this big business pep rally, then Usagi woke up and Daria got a letter and... Tom: Crow, I *will* hurt you! >Daria then turned to her friends and said, "Guys, I want you to >meet my friends." All: [cry] NO-HO-HO! Crow: [crying] Not another introduction scene! Mike: [clutching head] Dear lord, people in reception lines meet less people than we do! > She began with Jane and went from left to >right. "This is Jane Lane; Tom: o/~ Janey Lane is in my ears and in my eyes... o/~ > that's her brother Trent; the guy >next to him is Jesse Moreno; Crow: [Torymura] Oh, I know you! I loved you in "West Side Story"! > the black guy is Michael Jordan >Mackenzie; Mike: [Mack] Hi! I'm "the black guy"! > we just call him 'Mack'; Mike: Except Kevin, who calls him "Mack Daddy". > and the black women with him >is Jodie Landon. Crow: [Jodie] And I'm the black guy's woman! It's a pleasure to be taken for granted by you! Tom: Actually it's Iman. She's looking for that Bowie knife... > Everyone, this is Gen. Torymura Keiichi of the >Japan Air Self Defense Force, along with Chiba Mamoru, a/k/a >Tuxedo Mask." > Mike: [Tuxedo] Oh. Thanks for spoiling my secret ID, Daria. Now the Joker's going to kill my family, thanks to you. >Tuxedo Mask extended his hand to Trent and said, "Welcome to >Japan. Tom: Here's your complimentary dishonor. > I wish it was under better circumstances." > >"Hey, man, it was one strange trip," Trent replied. > Tom: o/~ Busted, down on Bourbon Street... o/~ Crow: I never traveled by cut-away before. Weird. >"So, how are things here?," Sailor Moon asked. > >"Not good," Tuxedo Mask said. "Tokyo has virtually been bombed >to rubble. Tom: [Tuxedo] Granted, it was already virtually rubble, thanks to the constant Godzilla, and Gamera, and Bun-zira attacks, but it's still nearly rubble. > Even now Yoriko and the Neo-Zero are heading for the >Imperial Palace. We've got to stop her." > Mike: [after a pause] Well, that didn't work! I'm out of ideas! Anyone? Tom: [Tuxy] We were about to leave without you. >Ryu, Gov. Nagai and the Solar Warrior returned. "You'd better >turn on the TV and tune in to NHK," Ryu said. "The Emperor is >giving a speech." > Crow: And there's these three silhouettes at the bottom of the screen making jokes while he's talking! It's a riot! >The TV was turned on. There on NHK was the entire Imperial >Family: Crow: Bob & Patty Imperial, and their kids, Bob Jr, Suzie and little Marty Imperial. > Emperor Akihito, Empress Michiko, Tom: Stephen Biko, Project A-ko, and Bingo was his name-o! > Crown Prince Naruhito >and his wife, Crown Princess Masako, and all the other immediate >members, Mike: Say, let's avoid the obvious ref on this one. Tom: Sure thing. Crow: She's getting overexposed anyway. Tom: Still, somewhere there's a long lost Japanese colony planet where she's the heir... > as well as the Prime Minister and members of the >Cabinet. In the background was the Imperial Standard, which had >the Imperial Mon, or crest, of a yellow sixteen-pedaled >chrysanthemum on a red field, Mike: The ancient Sho-guns had the ones that squirt water in your face when you looked at it. > along with the Prime Minister's >flag of five white chrysanthemums in a pentagon arrangement on a >yellow field and the familiar national flag of a red disk on a >white filed. Crow: Do you know what type of people would have their nation's symbol be a flower? Pansies! [snicker] > The Emperor stood up. > [All hum the Imperial March from SW] >"Citizens of Japan," the Heisei Emperor began, Mike: Well, that's not us. I guess we can ignore him. Tom: Fat chance. > "we stand at a >perilous crossroads in our nation's long history. Mike: [Emperor] And we've lost the map we got from the Exxon station. > There are >forces here in this nation who are trying to destroy over half a >century of peaceful, democratic progress. Crow: Do these forces make inane, interminable speeches? If not, let's give'm a chance for Christ Sake! > We must not succumb to >those who would ruin all the progress that has been made in these >past five decades. We have always been a resilient people. Mike: [Emperor] As typified by ancient proverb, "You can't keep a good man from crashing his plane into you." > When >the West visited us nearly a century and a half ago, we realized >that we had to adapt and modernize. Tom: [Emperor] And when the Lizards invaded in 1942, we fought them too! > After the tragic events of >the 1920's through the 1940's--where ruthless military leaders >led our nation to disaster--we resolved to rebuild, even taking >some help from those had been victorious against us. Crow: And remember, folks! That meant listening to French lectures on hygiene! > Some would >question that assistance, but in the long run, it has been for >the better. Mike: [puzzled] So, you're saying we should ask NIRAA to help pay for the reconstruction? > Are we to go back to the chaos of that terrible >time, or are we to embrace the dawn of the new millennium by >fighting back against these extremist elements? All: [chanting] Cha-os! Cha-os! Cha-os! > Therefore, it is >the duty of every citizen of this nation to fight back against >those who would bring chaos to our nation. Tom: Ah, so make the terrorists conform! Finally the emperor puts it in language the Japanese can understand! > We must fight to >protect one of the strongest democratic regimes ever known. Crow: Second only to Canada, France, England, Colombia, Mexico... > We >must defend our way of life and our peaceful economy. We must >stand up and fight back, even if we must resort of sharpened >bamboo stick to fend off the enemy and fall to the last man. Mike: [Yerko, evil] Bow before the might of the Neo Zer- [suddenly terrified] Aaugh! He's got a sharp stick! > Now >what is at stake here is not territorial expansion or defeating >foreign troops; Crow: No, nothing as concrete and tangible as *that*! Tom: You folks will be sacrificed for a concept best expressed in this new pamphlet, "Die for Your Own Damned Good", on sale in the lobby for just $5.95! > it is the very survival of our nation that is at >stake. Go out and fight for what is right, and may all the kami >and megami who watch over our nation defend us." > Tom: Do Kami & Megami come with yummy salami? >"The Emperor did the right thing, just like his father before >him," Gen. Torymura said. > Crow: He wore the red tie with the dark blue suit. Nice. >"The people are now on his--and our--side," the Solar Warrior >said. > Mike: Thank goodness, no more chants of "Death Plane, Death Plane, he's our man!" >"Now if we could only hear if we'll get any outside help," Usagi >said. Mike: Yeah, well, the world's still catching its breath from that whole "Lawndale Militia" deal. Tom: I don't know, guys, maybe it's me. Maybe I just misunderstood what a superhero's job *was*. Crow: Yeah, maybe Superman hangs out all day reading the Daily Planet, shaking his head, goin' "Terrible... just terrible. Someone should do something about this." >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Yoriko heard the entire speech on a portable radio. Crow: o/~ Who can take a nothing day! And ram a Neo-Sidewinder missile up your ass! o/~ Mike: Well it's Yerko! And you should know it! Tom: With each glance and every burning schoolchild she shows it. > She was not >pleased. > Crow: He'd pre-empted Casey Kasem. >"The Emperor has betrayed us!," Yoriko said. "He will pay!" Tom: [Yoriko] I *was* gonna kill him, but now I'll, uh, I'll, I'll... Oh! Got it! SEE YOU IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT, YOU BASTARD! Mike: Ahhh! I wish all the scenes were this short. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: Later, in the palatial summer home of "Mess Hall Byzantium Niece Hero Bugaloo"! >Dr. Vander Helffen had heard the entire speech himself and >decided that action had to be taken. > Mike: [Helffen] I'm going to refinance my home! The interest rates are so low right now! >"Yoriko has now become too much of a liability to successfully >carry out her mission," he said to some ninja soldiers. "She >will now blindly try to fulfill a blood lust. Crow: Oh, can't he see she's all torn up inside? He should be reaching out to her right now! > Get my Iron Cross >robotic armor and suit me up. Tom: He has his own personal Ninja dressers. > I will go to the Imperial Palace >myself and take care of matters." Tom: Attention all bad guys! Congregate at the death planes' next target! Wear that special bomb attracting uniform we've been working on! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Back at SDF HQ, a private arrived with a message for Gen. >Torymura. > Mike: [Torymura] Hot dog! Someone wants to buy my old Dodge Dart! Woo-hoo! >"I'm afraid it's not good," the private said. "The Americans >will not be sending any help, nor anyone else for that matter. Tom: Oh wait. They did send a squad of National Hockey League players, along with a memo titled, "Operation: Human Shield". >The American bases have been far too damaged, and popular opinion >is against them interfering in what they feel is an internal >affair. Tom: Yeah, who needs to protect billions in investments? Mike: Or avenge the deaths of those fighter pilots from earlier in the story. Crow: Hey, we're the US! We can develop a fat-free potato chip, but when it comes to defending the free world, it's every man for himself! > The Russians, Chinese, British, French and others have >expressed similar problems, as well as limited resources and >budgetary concerns." > Tom: And something that sounded like "How you like those impenetrable trade barriers *now*?" >"It looks like we stand alone, then," Gen. Torymura said. "It's >time to fall back on my back-up plan. Crow: Scampering away with our tails tucked. > Take Ms. Morgendorffer and >her friends to Mr. Hamada's place in Narita." > Crow: Treat'em right. And here's a little something for you. Buy somethin' pretty with it. >The private saluted and motioned to the others. > Tom: Let's blow. Boring party anyway. BYOB my ass. >"We have to go someplace. Mike: And do something. With someone. Somehow. > We have an ace in the hole," was all >the private said. Crow: Did you hear? We're blackmailing some incompetent superheroes to help us! What? What'd I say? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >It was a considerable drive given the bombed-out conditions of >the roads in Tokyo. Mike: Apparently the death plane is just taking a leisurely stroll towards the palace. Crow: From Tokyo to Isaka via Albany! Tom: Hurtling through the sky at speeds up to four miles per hour! > They weren't that much better once they >entered Chiba-ken. Once they got to Narita, though, they were >much improved. Tom: Almost 20% of the potholes had been filled in. Mike: Plus the looters gave the community a festive Mardi Gras type of atmosphere. > Finally, the SDF Humvee reached the residence of >the Hamadas. They stepped out of the Humvee and went to the >front door. Tom: [private] OK, now remember. Our car broke down, we need to use the phone, and you guys dress like that because you're slow and it makes you feel special. > The private rang the doorbell. Ieyasu answered. > Crow: [Ieyasu] Stop ringing my bell you damn kids! >"I have been expecting you," he said. "Come in." > Crow: [Ieyasu] Mind you wipe your feet. The little missus just waxed the floors. >They entered the house. Mike: [Ieyasu] Good! Now get out before I call the cops! > It was like most houses in post-war >Japan, of somewhat Western style but with some of the touches of >traditional Japanese living. As customary, everyone's shoes were >removed. Tom: She undoes her bootlaces! o/~ La la, LA-la, la! o/~ > Daria could see that for all the modern day >conveniences, the house still had tatami mats on the floor; so >important were these mats in traditional Japanese architecture >that rooms were often measured in how many of these mats could >fit in them. Mike: Depends on how high you stack them. Crow: It's a job for - TATAMI-VOLUME GUESSING MAN!!! Tom: [muttering] Here we go again! > Here in the living room--which was one of two rooms >done in the traditional Japanese style--stood the tokonoma, or >alcove for art; Mike: Oh, look, a Pollack! Neat. > off to the side was the family shrine. There was >the TV and the radio, along with a computer and a short-wave CB. > Crow: For those times when interstate truckers need to have something on the web checked. >"Pretty impressive place you have here, sir," Daria finally said. > >"I am Hamada Ieyasu, All: *Gezundheit!* > but almost everyone here calls me by my >nickname I had when I once was working for Toyota's American >operations, Tom: Bonehead! > 'Harry'. Crow: Harry? Mike: Yes, aren't we all. > As you can tell, I don't let old age slow >me down. Mike: That's what the Alzheimer's for! > You see, I just happen to be a special operative for >the SDF." > >"Huh?," Usagi said in surprise. > Tom: Her perpetual state of existence. >"You see, I do have a lot of expertise in these matters. Crow: I've had death planes drop bombs on me since I was knee- high to a crawdad! > When >the militarists took over our nation, I was contacted by a group >of concerned Japanese-Americans who were worried about our nation >being involved with the Axis powers. Mike: [group] Can we really trust a country whose march is named for a goose? > I played the role of the >good soldier, volunteering to be with the old JIAAF, Crow: Even back then, it tasted more like fresh-roasted peanuts! > while at the >same time giving information about upcoming attacks on American >positions. Crow: [Usagi] Oh, you were a traitor! Mike: [Ieyasu] Yep! So you know I'm trustworthy! > Even after the unfortunate relocation of the >Japanese-American population, the American government thought I >would be of service to them. Mike: What is this, "Schindlerohito's List"? > I was even entrusted with special >messages that were sent to me by the famed Navaho Code Talkers, Crow: This is going to turn into an X-Files crossover, I just know it. >which you know out government was unable to decipher. I admit >that I did some things I was not proud of for both sides, but I >was never suspected. Mike: [Ieyasu] Well, except for those meddling kids and their dog, but I took care of them. > When I had the opportunity to capture >American POW's, I let them escape after briefing them about my >activities; Crow: [Ieyasu to escaping POW] Oh! And that stuff about me being a double agent was just between us, OK? > if I was captured by the Americans, I always told the >top brass about my covert activities on the behalf of their >government. Mike: [Ieyasu, to brass] And I put a tack on Mussolini's chair... Tom: [brass, humoring him] Uh-huh. Mike: And I put sugar in Hitler's gas tank... Tom: Really! Mike: And I replaced the emperor's secret plans for attacking California with a play from a Lawndale football game! > I was one of the first persons to warn the new Truman >Administration that the government was willing to sacrifice >everyone to save their nation. Crow: By proclaiming National Hari Kari day! Music, rides, and free katanas for the kids! > It was perhaps one of the reasons >why the atomic bombs fell on Hiroshima and Nagasaki." > Mike: [Ieyasu] So I'm a hero, right? Right? >"And you have no remorse over that?," Daria said. > >Ieyasu continued, "I'll admit that I do feel remorse that many >died in those two attacks. But it is known that some American >POW's died as well. Tom: A million Japanese, a couple of G.I.'s... yeah, nothing to cry about really. We felt their pain. > But as I see it, atrocities were made by >everyone in the war, so it's a wash. Crow: [Ieyasu] Wash! I forgot my sponge bath. Sailor Moon, be a dear and... Mike: [Usagi] Ew, yuck! No! > What matters is the here >and now. Anyway, after the war, I did my part in reconstructing >the nation; Tom: [Ieyasu] I even kept this rock from Hiroshima as a souvenir! See? What, why are you running? Did I say something? > I assisted the occupation forces in various matters, Mike: [Ieyasu] Pointin' out subversives. Boy, did I abuse *that* power! >and after they left, I was contacted by my government about >forming a special unit that would keep an eye on groups that >would try to bring back militarism. Crow: [Japanese government] Let us get the double agent who betrayed us on the payroll! > The unit was named 'Red >Unit'. Crow: Yeah, you can get that if you - [notices Mike glaring at him] What?!? What?!?!? > We're a special part of the SDF-- Tom: The creatively challenged part, apparently. > which for obvious >reasons officially doesn't exist--that keeps an eye on groups >like the NIRAA in case something like the present situation >occurs. Mike: Boy, you've done such a bang up job in protecting Japan from groups like that. Sheesh. > I keep tabs on these groups via short-wave radio and the >Internet, Tom: alt.Japanese.Government.Takeover.militarist.militarist. militarist > as well as take considerable risks in infiltrating >their secret meetings. Tom: [Ieyasu] I guess 'SpyGuy' was a bad nickname to choose on #NIRAA. > Believe me, I am seen as a hero by my >neighbors; Tom: For these secret things you do no one knows about? Mike: And the "inability to keep a secret" contagion continues to spread. > to them, I am not a traitor for what I did during the >war, or even now. Mike: [Ieyasu] So pay no mind to old man Hiroshi and his machine gun fire - he's just jealous. > There is no honor lost if you admit that you >did wrong and wish to do penance. We'd much prefer what we have >now than to go back to those dark days of the past." Crow: Like 1994, when the great Tamagochi plague began. > >Everyone stood there, silently amazed at what Ieyasu had told >them. He finally broke the silence: > Mike: My boogers talk to me, you know! >"Come, I know why you are here. Tom: The fluffernutters and sheepskins are ready. > The plane is waiting for us in >the back." > >"Plane?," Usagi said. > Crow: It has wheels and two wings and looks like a big tylenol, but that's not important right now. >They stepped out and saw the Nick there in the backyard. > Mike: He was performing scenes from "Leaving Las Vegas." >"Any of you into airplanes?," Ieyasu said. > >"I am," Daria said. Mike: I've found that most depressed teenage girls are WWII aviation buffs. > "That's a Kawasaki Ki-45 Toryu night >fighter/ground attack aircraft. Maximum speed, 338 MPH; >powerplant, two Mitsubishi Ha-102 14-cylinder radial piston >engines rated at 1079 horsepower; Crow: Now we come to the part of the story we like to call, "Peter Guerin and the War Almanac of Doom"! > range of 1240 miles; service >ceiling of 33,000 feet; armed with a forward-firing 37-mm cannon, >two obliquely mounted upward-firing 20-mm cannons and a 7.92-mm >machine gun in the rear observer's position. Crow: The most common complaint amongst Japanese pilots was the lack of a beverage holder. > The 'Nick,' as we >called it, was unusual for a Japanese aircraft since it had >armored gas tanks, whereas most other planes like the Zero >didn't. Tom: It also had a quality described by most mechanics as "Wesson-ality". > And it was this plane, and not the Zero, that made the >first Kamikaze attacks against American naval vessels in 1944." > Mike: It must not have been a successful attack if they still have the plane... >"I see you know this plane very well," Ieyasu said. Tom: Never know when the specs of hopelessly outdated aircraft will come in handy. > "Right now, >this old plans is the only airworthy craft we have against the >Neo-Zero." > Mike: The Neo-Geo which has single handedly pummeled Japan into submission will be stopped that hunk of junk? Crow: So there are absolutely no other planes in Japan? Tom: They're all in the shop for a paint job. >"Wouldn't that be like using a pea shooter against an ICBM?," >Daria said. > Tom: Hilarious to watch, yes. >"I have studied much of your Western world's religions," Ieyasu >continued, "and if I recall, in both Judaism and Christianity, >they didn't give a young man not much older than you named David >much of a chance against someone named Goliath, Mike: But then he built an ark, and threw a burning bush at him! > who was a bit >taller than most of your nation's basketball players. Mike: Actually, Goliath was lucky. If he'd survived, he'd have been drafted by the Dallas Mavericks. Tom: Wow, he *did* get off easy! > Remember, >back in 1281, no one thought we stood a chance against the mighty >Mongol Empire when they sent a vast armada against us. Tom: [Ieyasu] Boy, CNN had egg on their face after Peter Arnett said we were doomed. > But then >our Shinto priest prayed for divine intervention, and a massive >storm sank much of the Mongol fleet. Mike: They probably just saw it was Japan, and turned back. Crow: Not worth the effort to conquer it. > That was the origin of >Kamikaze, the 'Divine Wind.' Only much later on was it given to >those soldiers and pilots who sacrificed themselves in fighting >against the enemy during World War II." > Tom: So all this has been leading to "Iron Eagles III", with Daria as Rachel MacLish. Mike: I don't think so. Unless she starts doing pull-ups. >"For what it's worth," Daria said, Crow: [Daria, spoken] There's something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear. > "no one thought the English >had a chance against the Spanish Armada back in 1588, either, and >they were totaled by bad weather as well." > Mike: So the plan is to have the Senshi do a rain dance? >Ieyasu got a good laugh over that. "Young lady, you are not like >most other Americans I have met; you're not so uptight. Crow: "Uptight" meaning, "having no knowledge of obscure war history". Mike: [Ieyasu] And I'm not staring at your metal bra. Really! > Now, I >guess I'll take you and you." He pointed to Daria and Ami. Mike: You seem to be pretty popular with the author, and the high altitude winds will give your shirts a chance to fly off. >"Let's get in the plane and take off. My wife has already let >down the fence so we'll taxi onto the street and take off from >there." > Crow: [Ieyasu] To hell with the traffic! Tom: [slyly] Gosh, it would be a shame if an open sewer just happened to appear below the wheels during takeoff. Mike: [brightly] Yeah! Damn shame. >Natsume, Ieyasu's wife went to Jane and said, "You can join me in >the car and follow them." > Crow: [Natsume] That'll make it easier to get hit by their falling debris. >"Fine by me," Jane said. > Crow: Thankfully they all still have their babel fish in. >"I'll fly on my own and see if I can't help in anyway," Usagi >said. > Tom: Feeling outdone by the antique aircraft, Sailor Moon flew off on her own to her special place. >Thus Ieyasu, Daria and Ami got into the Nick. Ieyasu got to the >pilot's controls and turned on the ignition. Mike: Instantly, loud music blared out from the stereo. Tom: o/~ IT'S MONK TIME, IT'S HOP TIME, IT'S MONK TIME... o/~ Crow: [Ieyasu] Damn that Ryu! Stop fiddling with my presets! > Ami sat next to him >while Daria got in the rear observer's position. Tom: Brain Guy must be on his coffee break. > The engines >coughed to life as the propellers began spinning. Soon the >lumbering plane was going down the backyard, Mike: This is how "Home Improvement" should've ended. Crow: Tim in the cockpit, Al behind the gun, then a huge apocalyptic fireball just as they leave the screen! > to the front and out >onto the street,where it got into take-off position. > Mike: Every car alarm in the neighborhood's goin' off... Tom: A hundred dogs are barkin' like banshees, chasin' his tail... >Ieyasu made a careful check of all systems. "All systems go," he >said. He then pulled gently on the throttle and the plane eased >down the road, Crow: Oh no! Ms. Migoshi's roses! >Crash< Tom: The Kotaku's mailbox! >Crash< Mike: Mr. Isake's rock garden! >Crash< > and was soon airborne. Jane and Natsume followed >in Ieyasu's car, Mike: Which was also soon airborne. Crow: Yep, them Duke boys was at it again! > and Sailor Moon took off and flew in the same >direction. Crow: And the rest of the Sailor Kids proceeded to raid Natsume's refrigerator. Mike: [Chiba] Neat-o! Chocolate cake with jam! > The final battle to save Japan from the NIRAA was >soon underway. Mike: So everything they've been doing up till now was just, what, a pregame show? >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Yoriko was flying over what was left of Tokyo. Crow: o/~ I am Yerko, hear me roar, Let me do something, I'm bored! o/~ > She had "Black >Monk Time" in the CD player again. Tom: Good god, woman, there *are* other CDs in the world! Mike: Join Columbia House, for Pete's sake! Crow: Maybe Pete should join Columbia House for *our* sake. > This time she was listening >to "I Hate You" Larry Clark's screeching organ playing led into >Gary Burger's vocals: > Crow: It's disturbing to know that World War III will be choreographed! >"Hey, well, I hate you with a passion, baby! Yeah, I do!/ Mike: Oh, it's a tender romantic ballad. Tom: [Gary, spoken] And that's it. Sorry, kind of rushed that one. > But >call me!/Well, you know, my hate's everlasting, baby!/But call >me!/ Crow: $2 per call! Kids, get your parents permission! > Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do >you Mike: Well, do you? DO YOU?!? > know why I hate you, baby? Huh? Do you now? Tom: Well you remember that time I told you to feed my cats while I was on vacation? > /But call >me!/Wellllllllllll, it's because, because, because you make me >hate you, baby! Crow: You enable my addiction to hatred by creating excuses for it! > Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Mike: o/~ He hates you, yeah, yeah, yeah! He hates you... o/~ > /But call >me!" > Tom: The state song of Idaho, ladies and gentlemen! Give'em a hand! Crow: Geez, no wonder she's dysfunctional! >Suddenly, she saw the Nick and Sailor Moon flying right toward >her. > Crow: In a brilliantly animated scene, two dots appear in the sky! >"Hah! All they can send against me is a rusty old World War II >relic? Mike: Well that's not a nice thing to call Ieyasu. Tom: Suddenly...Whoosh! Superman shows up, wrecks the death plane and rebuilds Tokyo in seconds flat. > It's no contest!," she sneered. > Mike: You'd think so, wouldn't you? >Yoriko had the Nick targeted in her HUD. Tom: Feel the wrath of Andrew Cuomo, slumlords! > She was ready to fire >away with the Deathgrip cannon when suddenly, Sailor Moon parked >right on top of her; all Yoriko could see was Sailor Moon's >buttocks. > Tom: Okay, this is now officially the creepiest fanfic we've ever read! Crow: Man, and I thought the two balls of fire was bad. >"GET OFF OF ME!," Yoriko yelled. > Crow: No means no! I'll call campus security! >Yoriko instinctively pulled back and got into a steep climb. >Sailor Moon was thrown off, Mike: [Usagi] I'm the pretty princess Sailor AAAAAAAUGH! Tom: Yeah, luckily her fall was broken by the tail of an Alaskan Air flight. > but it gave the Nick a momentary >edge. Ieyasu fired the forward cannon, sending a hail of bullets >Yoriko's way. > Crow: Aw, man, if this plan works I am going to give this story *such* a mental wedgie... Mike: Bullet-gram for Yoriko! >"DAMMIT!," Yoriko screeched. > Tom: I spilled my Coke! It's all over my new pants suit! >The bullets cut right through the Neo-Zero, though it was pretty >heavily armored; thus it only got slight damage. Mike: Just a sprain to the Neo-groin. Let me get my wind back. > >Yoriko decided to arm Neo-Sidewinders. > Crow: So she pressed the Neo-arming button by the Neo-altimeter and the Neo-Air Conditioner. >Ieyasu saw that coming. > >"If she fires those missiles, we're done for!," Ami said. > Tom: If she fires *anything*, you're done for. >"See those infrared flares back there?," Ieyasu said. > >Ami said she did. > Tom: And, just as she said she did, she did. Mike: Ami's pretty dependable that way. If she says she sees something, you can bet she sees it. >"Light some, and then throw them overboard on my mark," Ieyasu >said. > >Ami did as Ieyasu said to her. She lit the flares. Luckily >these were somewhat similar to roadside flares and could be held >for some time. > Crow: Yes, good designs aren't made by engineers with years of industry experience- they happen by accident! >Yoriko aimed the HUD again at the Nick. > Crow: She then cruelly denied them a Ginnie Mae loan! >"SEE YOU IN HELL, BASTARDS!," she yelled as she fired every >available missile she had. > Tom: Now she tugs on her right ear, and the show gets underway! Mike: I hear the "SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!" t-shirts are now sellin' at fifty bucks a pop on the collectors market. >Ieyasu saw it coming. "NOW!," he yelled. Ami dumped the flares >overboard, and the missiles went right for them, blowing up >harmlessly, Mike: Over the last source of clean water in Tokyo! Crow: Wait 'til Ieyasu finds out those were actually his Cuban cigars. > though it was a bit too close for comfort for >everyone aboard. They were jolted a bit. > >"YAHOO!, and I don't mean that Internet search engine, either!," >Ieyasu said. > All: [weak, fake laughter] Mike: Boy, we got the cutting edge humor, yes sir. Tom: Well stick it, and I don't mean the little yellow notepads! >"WHAT IN HELL!," Yoriko said. > Crow: Oh look, Yerko's got a little Tom Servo impression. Tom: Hey! Pretty good! >Sailor Moon saw all this going on and said, "Holy moley!" > Tom: Okay, now she says the magic words seven times, causing the bomb to detonate far above the battlefield, right? Crow: No, that would be a more interesting crossover. Mike: Guys, *please* stop giving the authors ideas... >Now the Nick had the edge. Mike: [dismissively, shaking his head] Nnno it didn't. > Ieyasu sent the forward gun blazing. Mike: Nnno he didn't. >The bullets ripped through the Neo-Zero like lightning. Mike: Nnno they didn't. Crow: This is goofier than if Spielberg had crossed "Saving Private Ryan" with "1941"! > The Neo- >Zero fired back, doing some damage of its own. > Tom: Well, it's good to see 50 years of technology have resulted in no tactical advantage whatsoever. Mike: Makes that military build-up of the 80's seem worth every penny! >Daria was lovingly holding to the trigger of her tailgun. [All cackle. Mike clutches his head and moans.] > The >wind was whipping her hair as she stood in her position. Crow: God, I hate the smell of defiled character beliefs in the morning! >Somehow, wearing her new armored bikini outfit and with her wind- >tossed hair, she felt very sexy; perhaps the sexiest she ever >felt in all her life. > Crow: Well, Daria seems to be turned on by gunfire. Mike: Which explains Daria's later marriage to John Woo. >The Neo-Zero made another pass at the Nick, firing away like >crazy. Two bullets whizzed just short of Daria, who fired back. > Tom: Fighter, eleven o'clock! Crow: Funny, I've got nine-thirty. >"God, I love an old-fashioned dogfight!," Ieyasu said. Mike: The Japanese flying ace trusted his faithful Sopwith Camel to take him safely through battle. > He was >now remembering those days when he flew this old plane up against >the Americans, but now this was different; Crow: [despair] Oh. Good. He's ruminating again. Tom: [same] Yup. So good to see Pete back on the job. Mike, if you could just pry my head off with a screwdriver... Mike: I really wouldn't know how to start, Tom. Just deal with it. > he had American >allies, and they were fighting for a free, democratic Japan. How >much times had changed since 1945! Crow: Why, back in 45, you couldn't even buy Hazelnut coffee! > If only most of his comrades >were alive now, he could tell them about this. Tom: He could go "NEENER NEENER NEENER! I PICKED THE WINNING SIDE AND YOU LOSERS DIDN'T!!! NYAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Mike: [Ami] Um, Ieyasu? The nose is pointed down and we're spinning a bit and accelerating. Is that bad? > "We were wrong >for opposing the Americans; by all rights, we should have called >them our allies against the Nazis and the Fascists," was what he >wished to say to them. Mike: [Ami] Ieyasu? The left wing's on fire. Oh, wait. It's OK, it just tore free. We're fine. > "We were foolish to back their cause. We >should have made some type of economic association with our >neighbors more like the European Union and not the imperial >expansion we sought. Mike: Yeah, well, you didn't, so quit bitchin'. > Didn't we decide to adopt Western >technology and Western ways so we could stand as equals with them >instead of being subservient? Crow: [comrades] I thought we did it for the truckloads of free cash General Marshall was givin' out. > We must lead by example to show >the rest of the world the way to a better day." Tom: [Ieyasu] We are the world! We are the children! [stops] Um- we *are* losing altitude. Oh dear, I went into my private dreamworld during a climatic battle to the death again, didn't I? Damn! > But he was not >so much worried for the past as for the future. No matter what >that future was--a new Ice Age leading to Crystal Tokyo, Crow: Don't change the plot on us now! > or a >high-tech future like many wished, Mike: Or a planet where apes evolved from men, damn us all to hell... > or even the status quo--he >was fighting for a future where freedom and democracy ruled, Crow: They were *awesome*! They *rocked*, man! >not a return to reactionary rule. He was fighting for his future; >he was fighting for Usagi's and Ami's; Tom: Well OK, maybe not Usagi so much. Mike: Yeah, let her fight for her own future! She never returns any of my calls, the little witch! > in a sense, he was also >fighting for Daria's as well. Crow: [Ieyasu] If we don't wrap this up soon, we'll *never* get her to go home! > He knew that even his own father >opposed the militarists, but was silenced by them. Mike: [Yerko] Hmmm. He's just flying around in circles, with a far-away look on his face. I better not attack. He must be up to something... > If only he >was alive to see this. > Tom: Thrills! Spills! And an old guy, thinking! > >The fusillades were fast and furious now. Both planes suffered >considerable damage. Crow: [grumbling] Yeah, right. Maybe when the terrorists get a nuclear sub, we can retrieve the Monitor off the ocean floor. > Somehow the superior speed and firepower of >the Neo-Zero was beginning to tell. All: SOMEHOW!? Crow: And he's SURPRISED by this? Tom: Ieyasu's not the strategist he once was. > But now it was time to play >the end game of this battle. Mike: This is like the NBA. The last minute of play is taking like four hours. > Ieyasu piloted the Nick so that it >was now right below the Neo-Zero. > Tom: So Yerko drops her bomb, and they die. But thanks for playing! >"Ami, Daria, aim for the drop tanks," Ieyasu said. Ami aimed the >obliquely-mounted, upward-firing guns at the top of the plane at >the left tank while Daria aimed her tailgun (which was on a >flexible mount) on the right tank. > Mike: [tense] God! The tension is so... so... non-existent! Crow: Yeah, I care more about the fate of the hair in my bathtub than any of these clowns. >"On my mark, fire!," Ieyasu said. > >They got very close to the Neo-Zero now. > Tom: They shared a bottle of wine, talked about their hopes and dreams... in speeches lasting hundreds of minutes apiece, of course. >Yoriko managed to pick them up on her radar. > Crow: She's enslaved Gary Burghoff to do her evil bidding! >"They think they can knock me out with a surprise attack?," she >sneered. "I'll show them!" > Crow: I'll call Dial-a-Mattress, and have a king-sized box spring delivered to their house! >Ieyasu sensed that he was at the right position. > Mike: Well, not so much sensed it as noticed the flashing neon sign proclaiming "You're at the right position, doofus!" >"NOW!," he yelled. All the guns were blazing at the drop tanks. > Tom: Here's your seven-day waiting period, pal! Mike: Superhero. Schoolgirl. I am the N.R.A.! >Yoriko was ready to fire the afterburners and launch a surprise >attack of her own. However, one of the bullets (which was >especially reinforced and hardened to pierce the armored tanks) Crow: Did we mention that? Tom: We did it, like, before. When you were in the can. >managed to go right through the right tank. When the >afterburners were kicked in, it ignited. Mike: The Ford Neo-Pinto! Crow: Eh, she was doomed anyway. Their back-up plan was precocious nine-year old with a bow and arrow. > Yoriko saw it ignite in >horror. > >"NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!," she screamed. > Tom: One would think. Mike: And yet it obviously is. Crow: Duh. >She knew she only had seconds in which to act. She pressed the >eject button and was thrown out of the Neo-Zero. Tom: [German] Goodbye, Ace Rimmer! > It went on its >own for a few seconds before the right drop tank finally >exploded; Crow: The sad part is Ieyasu forgot to change course, and the Zero crashes into them? Mike: Mm. That is sad. > soon the entire jet fighter was enveloped in flames, >dropping to Tokyo Bay; when it landed into the water, it exploded >with a loud "BOOM!" Tom: Awww! And I was hoping it would explode with a loud "MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST FANFIC I EVER SAT THROUGH!" Mike: [calmly] Uh-huh. Tom: You're not gonna tell me to calm down? Mike: Nah, knock yourself out. Tom: Oh. Well I'm done now. Mike: OK. I'm glad. > Yoriko was now floating down toward Tokyo. > Crow: Now's your chance to capture her, guys. Anyone? Anyone? >Sailor Moon saw what happened. She got onto a radio she was >carrying Crow: Soon, all they could hear was Sailor Moon's butt. > and said, "You guys did it!" She could hear the sounds >of celebration in the Nick. > Mike: And Han's nearby, babbling about that one-in-a million shot. >In the Nick, which was still airworthy despite all the damage >inflicted on it, Ieyasu turned to his comrades and said, "Well >done, ladies." > Mike: [Ieyasu] Say, would you two like to head back to my place for some courvoisier? >"The Neo-Zero may be destroyed, Harry, but we still have Yoriko >to deal with," Daria said. > Tom: [bored] And dénouement follows dénouement follows dénouement. Mike: Can't they just shoot her? She's right there. >All agreed with her on that. Crow: [bored] On this battle will be riding the future of all Japan. Until the next one ten pages later. > They were making their way back to >Narita when Jane radioed in from Natsume's car. > >"We saw everything, guys! Mike: Which of the really fast dots was you? > Way to go!" > >"Better not open the champagne yet, Jane, " Daria said, Tom: [Daria] We're underage. Wait two years. > "as Yogi >Berra says, 'It ain't over 'til it's over.'" Mike: And to further quote Berra, 'It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.' Tom: Well, I predict that it's time to get out of here. Let's go. [Mike lifts Tom up and the trio exits.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike is furiously writing on a blackboard. He seems to be trying to construct a flowchart.] Mike: Okay, we have the Japanese right wing terrorists who have stolen a top secret US plane, named for a Japanese WWII fighter which causes a cynical schoolgirl to go to Japan and join a bunch of super-powered school girls in skirts, but not before an Islamic terrorist tries to nuke a football game and... [Mike throws down the chalk, grasps the side of his head and screams in frustration.] Mike: ARRRRGHH! None of this makes any sense! Why! Did! Any! Of! This! Happen?! [Crow and Tom enter.] Crow: Hey, um, what's your name. What 'cha up to? Mike: I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is going on in this blasted story! Nothing is making any sense any more! Tom: I know what you mean, Mike. I was talking to goldy here and he was kind of lost too. Crow: Um, yeah. What he said. Mike: Are you two feeling okay? Crow: Sure. Tom: Why do you ask, Ryan? Mike: That's Mike. Tom: Oh. [turns to Crow.] Hello Mike. Nice to meet you. Mike: Great. I better call Pearl. Hey, Pearl? Something's wrong with the bots. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [snort] And you're just now figuring this out? [SoL] Mike: I'm serious. They're not acting like they usually do. I think there's something really wrong with them. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Well, good. Mike, you're forgetting. I'm evil! I enjoy seeing you suffer. [SoL] [Mike looks pleadingly at Pearl.] Mike: Pweeze? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh, I hate those damn puppy dog eyes. Stop... Arrrgh! Oh, all right. I'll help you fix your little bots. Observer! [Observer enters.] Observer: Yes? Pearl: Figure out what's wrong with the walking toasters there. [SoL] Mike: Pearl? I don't mean to interrupt, but wouldn't Bobo be a better choice for repairing them? [Castle Forrester] [Observer and Pearl glare at the camera, then turn towards their left. Bobo enters, moments later from that direction.] Bobo: [on the phone] Yes. Uh-huh. Really? I was unaware that Japanese baseball teams carry around their minor league teams in Pokeballs. Yes, I guess that does cut down on hotel costs. Right. Sure. [Bobo exits] [Pearl and Observer turn back to the camera, still glaring.] [SoL] Mike: Oh yeah. Right. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Brain Guy? Do your thing. [Observer re-enters, wearing a stethoscope and carrying a clipboard.] Observer: Yes, so what seems to be the problem? [SoL] Mike: Well, the bots seem to be rather forgetful. Crow: Hello, Large Cheese Bearing Temp Worker. Mike: And they're doing that, too! What's the deal with that? [Castle Forrester] Observer: Michael, I believe that the essentially random words stuck together with laundry pins title of the story has corrupted your automatons' memory. Let me test a hypothesis. Fellows? Are you familiar with an obscure low budget art film called "Star Wars"? [SOL.] Tom: "Star Wars"... hm... not ringin' any bells. Crow: Oh! I think he means "Skywalker Death Star Light Saber Tattooine"! Tom: He does? Well why didn't he say so? [Castle Forrester.] Observer: Ah hah! I seem to be on the right track! Now there's this one movie with the Beatles in it. "A Hard Day's Night"? [SoL.] Crow: [shaking his head] Nah. Nah, you're thinking of "Brit Concert Clean Old Man Ringo's a Mocker". [Castle Forrester.] Observer: And finally, tell me what you know about "Moby Dick". [SoL] Tom: [snickering] I know enough about "Moby Dick" to know it's not a nice thing to call "Whale Pegleg Soothsayer Ishmael Queequeeg"! Mike: So, how can I fix this? [Castle Forrester] Observer: Oh, that's quite easy. You need to counteract the grandiose nature of this story with a helping of minimalism. Just read them some Hemmingway and they should be fine. [SoL] Mike: Will do. But why can't *I* understand what's going on in this thing? [Castle Forrester] Observer: [snorting] Michael, I may be omnipotent, but I'm not that omnipotent. Pearl: Now stop lollygaging and get back in there, Mike. [SoL] [The lights are flashing] Mike: AHHHH!!!! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!!! Crow: Correction. We've got "Flashing Almightily Twisted Fiction of Fans Experiment Signal." Mike: WHATEVER! AHHHH!!!!!! [The door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >Data 16: Tokyo Game, Set, and Match > Mike: No one can escape the long tendrils of the Monica Seles Conspiracy! >Dr. Vander Helffen, now clad in his Iron Cross robotic armor, Tom: Huh, look. The Sun Jerk's evil twin! Crow: Miscreant! > was >heading down the deserted streets of Tokyo on his way to the >Imperial Palace. Mike: Where he went unnoticed in the midst off all the Power Rangers, Ronin Warriors, Neon Evangelines, Gundams and Go-Bots. > He was not aware that the Neo-Zero had been >shot down. He was planning to deal with Yoriko eventually, she >had gotten too big for her britches. Tom: He had a copy of the Atkins diet and he wasn't afraid to use it! > But he also knew that he >had to take his next 'Hi no Tori' immortality pill soon, or >suffer grave consequences. > Crow: If Clinton thinks I'm lettin' my tax dollars cover this guy's immortality addiction... >He was nearing the street he needed to go down to in order to get >to the Imperial Palace. Mike: o/~ I have often walked, down this street before! But the pavement never smelled like burnt concrete before! o/~ > However, Ryu was blocking his way. > Crow: Hey! Get that battleship off the road, pal! >"Dr. Vander Helffen! I won't let you get away with this!," Ryu >said. Tom: What? Did he cross against the light? > "The Japan you want to bring back has long been >discredited!" > Tom: Japan will never be able to get a loan then. >"Get out of my way, traitor!," Dr. Vander Helffen said. Tom: "Traitor!" It's Japanese for "Dickweed!" > He >picked up a Mazda and flung it right at him. Mike: The Mazda's unique Rotary design makes it easy to fling. > Ryu got out of the >way in time, but then was bushwhacked by a sucker punch that sent >him through a wall. Tom: Sucker punch! Two parts champagne and a lollipop. > Ryu slowly got up. On his bare forearms >were the dragon and tiger tattoos that were given to him after he >was admitted as a Shaolin priest. Crow: That was the night of the Dali Lama's bachelor party. Tom: Yeah, whereas some folks wake up with panties on their face, these guys wake up and Ryu's a priest. Mike: Talk about embarrassment. > A wise man named Kwai Chang >Caine, who he met in his travels abroad, Crow: Is that who I think it is? Mike: Yep. Crow: I thought so. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! > once said that strength >and might was not all there was at battle; intelligence was as >important. Tom: Guns are important too. And dental hygiene. And don't forget about Pop Rocks! Mike: In other words, Ryu's really unarmed. > Use your foe's strengths against him. Crow: Get your enemies to kick their own asses. > Ryu went to >Dr. Vander Helffen and launched into a roundhouse kick. Mike: Personally I wouldn't be punching the guy in the suit of armor right here. Tom: No, this is where I would call for my archers and pikemen. > Dr. >Vander Helffen swung a fist at him, but instead knocked down a >facade, sending bricks raining down on him. However, Dr. Vander >Helffen shook that off and approached Ryu. > >Suddenly, there was a searing blast of solar energy from nowhere. > >"SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE ATTACK!," yelled a voice. > Bots: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Mike: Wait! Hold it. Shadow's not involved in this one guys. We can relax. >The solar energy knocked Dr. Vander Helffen down. Tetsuo stepped >out of some rubble. > Crow: What?! A building fell on him? And we *missed* it?! Tom: Blast! >"You evil man!," he said, "I am the Solar Warrior, servant to >Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun and defender of Japan! Mike: [the god of hellfire] And I bring you! Crow: o/~ Fire! Dah-dah dah, dah, dah, dah! o/~ > In >the name of the Sun you are judged!" > Crow: Eventually, someone's gonna figure out that you don't have to wait until the hero finishes his speech and take these clowns out. >Dr. Vander Helffen yelled in anger, "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!" Crow: Both! All both of you! > He >charged at them. Ryu and the Solar Warrior now launched a >double-barreled assault. Tom: So now it's a Donkey Kong cross-over, too? Mike: [blase] Hi. We're gonna beat you now. Nothing personal. > They pounded him hard, real hard. Tom: Real real hard. Mike: Real real real hard. Crow: Real real real real real real real real real *real* hard! > The >Iron Cross armor was beginning to buckle, then finally, it fell >apart and exploded, ejecting Dr. Vander Helffen out of it. Tom: Whoa! Talk about "non-user friendly". Mike: Ralph Nader's "Unsafe In Any Scene". > He >was severely injured. Ryu and the Solar Warrior approached him. > Tom: Huh. Even the anti-climax has an anti-climax. >"Give yourself up!," the Solar Warrior said. > >"Never!," Dr. Vander Helffen said. "Once I take this last 'Hi no >Tori' immortality pill, I will be as strong as ever. Mike: [Solar Warrior] Okay, go ahead. We'll wait. Tom: [Ryu] Yeah, we'll run get a squid pizza while you charge up. Crow: Suicide Squid? Tom: Nope. He's still over in net.roplis. > He took it >out of his vial and was about to put it in his mouth, Mike: He's quite sprightly for an octogenarian with internal brain hemorrhaging. > but in his >haste to swallow it, it missed his mouth, All: D'OH!!!! Crow: C'mon, Doc, just take it, don't toss it up like a bar peanut! > rolled across the >street and rolled into the sewer. > >Dr. Vander Helffen screamed in agony: > Mike: [Helffen] Charlie Horse! Owowowow! >"NOOOOOOOOOO! IT WAS THE LAST ONE! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO! >NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" > Mike: My! This is certainly a major setback for the ambiguous evil Hitler doctor. Crow: He sounds just like the evil doc in "Riding w/death." Tom: So I'm guessing the idea we're being conveyed is - "No". >Suddenly, a hideous transformation took place. Crow: He's turning into Bill Maher!!! All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! > Dr. Vander >Helffen was aging rapidly before Ryu and the Solar Warrior. Mike: He's got Melanie Griffith disease! Run! > His >hair turned gray and fell out. His skin wrinkled up. Crow: Rose Kennedy! > His bones >sagged in arthritic pain. Mike: His IRA matured! Tom: He suddenly had a Senior Discount card from Shoney's! Crow: His pants were now up to his chest and he felt an urge to drive 5 MPH in the left lane with his right turn signal on! > All this rapid aging proved to be too >much, and Dr. Vander Helffen fell down dead from a heart attack. Crow: [Helffen] Um... it's OK! I'm OK! That's the worst of it, I think. >But this was not the end of that. Crow: No, we couldn't be *that* lucky. > Suddenly, the body began to >rapidly decompose. Mike: Oh. Well that's just cosmetic, so his health plan won't cover it. Tom: Sad. > The skin rotted away to nothing, then the >muscles, intestines and sinews as well. Crow: But strangely enough, his liver seemed fine! Tom: [Ryu] Quick! Pack it on ice and get Mickey Rourke's people on the phone! > Then the skeleton >rapidly turned to dust, and was blown away in all directions by >the wind. Tom: The preceding scene from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" is shown courtesy of Stephen Spielberg productions. > Thus was the horrible end of Dr. Helmut Vander >Helffen, former genetic expert to Hitler, shadowy leader of the >New Imperial Rule Assistance Association. > Crow: Or - was it?!? Mike: Yes it was. Stop trying to make it worse. >Ryu and the Solar Warrior saw the whole thing. "Now he's gone to >Yomi, the land of the dead, where he belongs!," the Solar Warrior >said. > Tom: o/~ Yomi Yomi Yomi, I got love in my Tomi! o/~ >"Now we have but one more enemy to face: Mike: Our fear of commitment? > Amazana Yoriko," Ryu >said. > Crow: Huh? Oh, you mean Yerko! Why didn't you say? >Ryu got out his portable communicator to contact the Sailor >Senshi. It was time to find Yoriko. Mike: OK! Climax number four guys! Strap in! > "Sailor Senshi, can you >hear me?," he said. > >"I hear you," Daria said. > Crow: [Daria] Can you hear me? Tom: [Ryu] I can hear you! I'm on the cell phone! Crow: [Daria] Me too! Tom: [Ryu] Neat! Wanna speak with Sun Jerk? Crow: [Daria] Sure! Hey Sun Jerk! Mike: [Warrior] Hey Daria! Can you hear me? Crow: [Daria] Yes! >Ryu then asked, "Where is Amazana Yoriko?" > Crow: Go five miles down this road, turn left, go 3 miles until you see the giant neon Gamera, then turn right. Can't miss it. >"I think she parachuted her way to the Mitsubishi Building," >Daria replied. > Mike: [Ryu] The Manny Mota Building? We must act at once! >"We'll met you there," Ryu said. He and the Solar Warrior headed >off in that direction. Tom: She's on the Mickey Mouse Club Building! Crow: The Mickey Mantle Building? Mike: No, the Mister Mxyzptlk Building! Hurry! >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- Crow: And, insert play on title here. Tom: That's a kinda cynical riff, Crow. Crow: Yeah, well. >Yoriko had landed on the roof of the Mitsubishi Building. For >now, she was alone. > Mike: She could really think up here, breathing deep the bracing corporate-owned air. Tom: [Yerko] Wow. All the bastards look like ants up here. [friendly] Little bastard ants. See you in hell, little bastard ants! >"I will never surrender!," she said to herself. > Mike: By Grabthar's hammer, I shall strike at thee! >She took a look at the streets below. The NIRAA soldiers were >engaged in fierce fighting with the SDF now. Mike: [NIRAA] Apologize to Debbie! Crow: [SDF] No! She was rude to my mother! > It seemed that >everyone had taken the Emperor's message to heart and were now >fighting to rid Japan of the NIRAA. > Tom: So basically, it's "Lawndale Militia, Ver 2.0"! >"Those fools," she said, "if they think they can defeat us, they >are crazy!" > Tom: After all, their weapons are useless against me! >Suddenly, the door of the stairway leading to the roof was kicked >open, and Sailor Moon, along with the other Sailor Senshi, Tuxedo >Mask, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Mack, his cousin Brian, Jodie, Ryu and >the Solar Warrior entered. > Mike: The crowd of good guys just grows and grows and grows! Crow: If this goes on much longer, look for the JLA, Manfred Mann's Earth Band, the Washington Generals, and Scoob & the Mystery Machine to pop up. >"Amazana Yoriko, give yourself up!," said Sailor Moon; "I am the >pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice! Tom: [Brooklyn] Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! >These are the Sailor Senshi and our allies! Mike: [Usagi] Come on, allies! Up front, where Yerko can kill- I mean, see you! > In the name of the >Moon and in the name of a free and democratic Japan, we will >punish you!" > Tom: Oh, how, by blowing up my plane with me inside it? >"You're already too late!," Yoriko yelled. Crow: [Yoriko] I've already been punished. But if you insist, go ahead. $80 for the lot of ya! > "We've bombed most of >Tokyo to rubble, and even now the civilian government's thinking >of surrendering! Crow: They've got this big kite that looks just like the death plane! > At long last, my father, Gen. Tojo Hideki, will >be vindicated!" > Crow: [Yoriko] Of course, he's all dead and stuff, but I still have issues, dammit! Mike: Kind of a pyrrhic victory, if you think about it. Tom: Meanwhile, the awesome military might of Sri Lanka is poised to conquer Japan... >"As long as my master, Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun, >shines above in the heavens, I swear you will never succeed in >your evil plans!," the Solar Warrior said. > Mike: And whatever Anaconda-Oleander says, goes! >"Once the NIRAA has seized power, you will all be destroyed!," >Yoriko said. > Mike: There's too much trash talking in apocalyptic battles of good versus evil these days. Tom: Yeah, just fight already. >Daria wanted to cut to the heart of the matter. > [All laugh] Tom: A little late for that, ain't ya, Morgendorffer!? >"Why is it," Daria said, "that your organization wants to bring >back the form of tyranny that brought so much suffering to >millions of innocent people?" > Crow: Daria's Sailor Power is Super Boring Talk-to-Death! Tom: Well, see did warn us that she was going to nag us to death. >"Do not question me!," Yoriko said. "We want to make Japan the >leader of the world!" > Mike: [Daria] Oh. OK. We weren't sure. >"May I remind you that the military government that ruled during >World War II was responsible for such things as the attack on >Manchuria, the Rape of Nanjing, the attack on Pearl Harbor, Tom: Gamera movies... > the >Baatan Death March, the POW camps, the Korean comfort woman, and >other atrocities?," Daria said. Mike: [Yerko] Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy slaughtering all these innocent friends of yours with my hunting knife. You were saying? > "Certainly you're planning to do >all that and worse!" > Mike: [Yerko] Wait, wait, let me write all this down... what was that after the Korean comfort women? >"I WILL SILENCE YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL TIME, YOU MINX!," Yoriko >said. Crow: [Yerko] I will go to the district judge, and get a restraining order! Mike: Minx? Tom: Yeah, she's a right broad. A real tough cookie. One hot tomato. > She took the vial of the only "Hi no Tori" immortality >pills left in the world and swallowed them all. Tom: I thought they were all gone. Mike: Shh! They're M&M Minis! Humor her! > She screamed as >a hideous transformation took place. Tom: Oh great, now *she's* Bill Maher! > She grew to be fifty feet >tall, and now had horns on her head, green hair and was wearing a >tiger skin suit. Tom: Now *that's* what I call an adverse reaction! > She now had sharp teeth and sharp claws. Crow: Grace Jones, no! > She >had transformed into a gigantic oni, or ogre. > Mike: Oh, damn. And it's even printed on the bottle too. Crow: "Failure to take as directed may induce headache, nausea, or spontaneous monster mutation." >"Oooooo, you've really made her mad now, Daria," Jane said. > >"Tell me about it," Daria replied. > Tom: [Daria] No, I'm serious. Tell me about it. Give another speech. C'mon, art girl, show us your chops. >"FALL BACK!," Sailor Moon said to everyone. > Tom: Never running from a real fight, indeed. >Yoriko now seized Daria and threw her on the roof again. Crow: But- isn't she on the roof *now*? > She >then stepped on her with her left cloven foot. > Mike: Excuse me... All: o/~ You're standing on her neck! o/~ >"Now I will crush you like Japan will do to all who oppose her!," Mike: Oh stop crowing! Daria was sidewalk paint the minute you laid your honking big hoof on her! >Yoriko said. "Then I will kill you all!" > >"We've got to save Daria!," Sailor Moon said. Tom: Anybody got a snow shovel? > Now every Sailor >Senshi unleashed her attack, some of them were old, some of them >new: > Crow: All of them tired and goofy. >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" > >"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!" > Mike: Platypus Duckbill, Waddling! >"MARS SOUL FIRE, IGNITE!" > >"JUPITER THUNDER, CRASH!" > Crow: Form of a Cetian Walabee! >"VENUS CRESCENT BEAM, SMASH!" > Mike: [Yerko] Could you guys stop yelling? I'm very sensitive to noise! >"SATURN SPEAR ATTACK!" > Mike: [Stinky] I'll haaaaaaaaarm youuuuuuuuuu!!!! >"URANUS SWORD ATTACK!" > Tom: You know, Batman would have defeated the Oni by now. >"NEPTUNE DEEP SUBMERGE!:" > Mike: CAN OF WHUP-ASS OPEN! >"PLUTO MIRROR ATTACK!" > Crow: Tap 38 mana, take the burn, Mirror Universe! >"CHIBI-MOON LOVE BEAM ATTACK!" > Tom: o/~ The LOOOOOOVE Beam! Soon will be making another run! o/~ >Tuxedo Mask lunged his extended walking cane at the creature as >well. > [All laugh.] Mike: Good one, Tuxy. Your friends have slung the hellfire of the universe at her, but go ahead! Try and *trip* her! >Ryu launched into a roundhouse kick. > Tom: I guess they don't have fancy pants attack names to shout. Crow: THROWING CANE ACTIVATION! Mike: ROUNDHOUSE KICKING REVOLUTION! Tom: Thank you. >The Solar Warrior then launched into his "SOLAR FLARE DISCHARGE >ATTACK!" > Crow: From under a table! In another city! >But it all seemed to be in vain; Yoriko still was standing. Crow: Better than she ever did. Tom: In fact she's lookin' like a true survivor. Mike: *And* feelin' like a little kid. > Now >she stepped harder on Daria. > Mike: This is where having that armor-plated bra pays off big time. >"Mon, Dad, Quinn, I now realize you'll never hear me say this, >but I've always loved you!," Daria said to herself. > Crow: Did you ever know that you and Dorothy Parker were my heroes? Mike: No, please don't start singing. >Suddenly, there was a dazzling flash of light that blinded >everyone. There was a loud voice that pierced the air: > All: Celene Dion! Tom: [Dion] You have summoned me using the magic words! And now, I, Celene Dion, the best singer of all time, shall smite the evil Oni! o/~ Can I hit you like this? Can I smack you like that? Can I sever your head off? It's all coming back to me... o/~ >"I am Amaterasu-Omikami, Goddess of the Sun and Protector of >Japan! Mike: Finally! It's Applepandowdy-Oleomargarine herself! > I have heard the pleas of my people to deliver them from >their peril and I will save them, for the battle and the victory >are mine! Crow: [A-O] I would have been here earlier, but all the flights out of O'hare are backed up. Tom: Okay, wait, time! Mike: Now what? Tom: Not that it matters at this point, but does it strike anyone else as odd that she only showed up to save "her people" AFTER a whiny American teenager got herself in trouble?!? Crow: Just accept it, Tommy. Rationalizing anything here is a long-lost cause. > Amazana Yoriko, Crow: [Yerko] Call me Yerko! Mike: [A-O] Mmm... no. > in the name of the Sun and of my >people that I care for deeply, you are judged!" > Tom: [announcer] Yerko pled guilty to flying without a license and two counts of disturbing the peace, in exchange for testimony against Gary "The Tone-Deaf Weasel" Burger. >Amaterasu-Omikami now appeared, brandishing the legendary sword >Murakumo-no-Tsurugi, which belonged to her brother Susano, the >God of the Wind. Mike: She also wore the mystical Belt of Altis, which once belonged to the Goddess of Love, Kamira, as it went well with her outfit. Tom: She was armed with the magical Golden Lasso of Diana of Themyscyra, who was on vacation with Aquaman in Atlantis. Crow: And she brandished the legendary Eye of Argon, once quested for by the barbarian Grignr of Ecordia, he of the quivering thews. > She unsheathed the sword and swung it at >Yoriko. Tom: Here, you've got a thread hanging off your jacket. Let me... > Yoriko parried the blow with her left arm, then tried to >wrest the sword from Amaterasu-Omikami. [All snigger.] Crow: The Sun God is considerably less effective than your average TV wrestler. Mike: Yeah, good thing King Kong Bundy wasn't attacking, or Japan'd be done for. > Suddenly, Susano himself >appeared and blew cold wind into Yoriko's face, Mike: Aggravating Yoriko's temperature sensitive teeth. > sending her >howling. Tom: And the howling motif is quickly re-established. Crow: Well, their liposuction technology is decades behind ours. > Brandishing the spear that Izanagi and Izanami used to >create Japan, he plunged it into Yoriko's belly, sending her >howling. Tom: Oh, they're starting the Pasteur treatment for rabies. Mike: Not pleasant to watch. > She got off Daria, who stood up again. Tom: Considerable arch to the giant's cloven hoof there. > Yoriko withdrew >the spear and flung it at Susano, who grabbed it. Crow: OK! Now, go long! No, more! > Amaterasu- >Omikami now charged at Yoriko with Murakumo-no-Tsurugi, Tom: That's Japanese for "Not To Be Used As A Toothpick". > and drove >it home right into Yoriko's heart. Mike: At this point, I've officially lost track of who's who and who's doing what. > The creature was not dead, >but now was weakened and in bitterest agony. > Tom: [Yerko, hung over] Ooo... Never again... as long as I live. Man, it feels like I drank a cat! >"My child," Amaterasu-Omikami said to Rei, "Use the powers of the >miko that are yours by birthright to banish the demon." Crow: [Rei] Huh? Mike: [A-O] Do the thing. Crow: [Rei] Oh! > >Rei took a demon banishment scroll and said, "This is for you, >Grandpa! Akuryo taisan!," and flung it at the creature, sticking >to its forehead. > Mike: So Yerko was vanquished by a Japanese "Kick Me" sign? Crow: 3M saves the world yet again. >"Ami, Daria, freeze her!," Sailor Moon said. > Tom: [Sailor Moon] Wrap her in aluminum foil to prevent freezer burns! >They both said "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," and froze Yoriko solid. > >"Now, Sailor Moon," Amaterasu-Omikami said, "finish her off! Crow: Ooh. I wonder what Sailor Moon's fatality move is? >Destroy this demon and end this war!" > Mike: And clean the cat box! Luna's lookin' at me funny! >Sailor Moon took out her Moon Scepter and pointed it at the >creature. > Tom: [Eastwood] You gotta ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, with that sword in your heart and spear in your belly and scroll on your head in that ice cube? Well do ya, *punk?* >"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" > >The magic beams hit the creature with such force that it exploded >with a loud "BOOM!" Mike: Wow. The Japanese certainly have embraced the Fourth of July. Tom: Yeah, but I don't think they quite "get it" yet. A little off. > Everyone was knocked off their feet by the >violent explosion. Tom: But they get back up again. Mike: You ain't never gonna keep 'em down. > Daria, however was blown over and nearly fell >to the street save for her grabbing a railing. Tom: Man, everyone's reflexes get so good when they're about to fall! Mike: Maybe she pulled a Wile E. Coyote. Landed flat on the air, then warily felt there was nothing beneath her before pedaling her legs toward the railing. > Daria was hanging >on for dear life. Suddenly, an arm grabbed her, and Daria >grabbed it with both hands and was taken to safety. It turned >out to be Jane. > Tom: Whoa-ho! Go, Gold Gym Jane! Crow: Look at her veins! She's cut! >"Thanks, Jane," Daria said, "I owe you one!" > Mike: [Jane] Eh, needed to get a set in anyway. Here, rest's over, I need to lift you again. >"Now to end this battle once and for all!," Amaterasu-Omikami >said. All: Please! > Suddenly, fiery shafts shot out of her fingers, and they >traveled all around Tokyo, incinerating every last NIRAA ninja >soldier. All: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Mike: If you could do that, why didn't you do it when the friggin Death Plane started killing everyone?!?! > Suddenly, it was all over. Amazana Yoriko and the >NIRAA were obliterated. > Mike: But at least she died with the same dignity she had in life! Crow: Rather anti-climactic - in a deus ex machina kinda way. Tom: Look, if it'll get this story over with faster, I'm all for it! >The dark clouds that were hanging over Tokyo began to dissipate >as the Sun began to shine through. > Crow: o/~ Let the sunshine in! Let the sunshine in! The sun- shine in! o/~ Mike: Please, Crow. Let's not explore that route any farther. Crow: Fine. How about "But wait! That's not the sun! It's a horde of angels, out to attack Tokyo! Will Daria link up with the NERV in time to save the city?" Mike: Okay, go back to "Peter Guerin's 'Hair'". Crow: Can do. o/~Lawndale, California. Across the Pacific Sea... o/~ >"Thus as the sunshine dissipates the storm clouds, a new era >dawns for Japan," Amaterasu-Omikami said. Tom: [A-O] An era of free trade! An end to racism! And no more porn! Crow: [Japan] Augh! This monster's even worse! Mike: [Japan] Sailor Moon, bring Yerko back! Save us! > "Amazana Yoriko and >the NIRAA have been destroyed. Peace reigns again. Tom: o/~ So, let's all join hands and knock oppression down! o/~ All: o/~ Good Lordy I'm found! o/~ Crow: o/~ Don't cha know our little lives are now complete! o/~ Mike: o/~ 'cause Daria and Usagi are sweet! o/~ Crow: o/~ Super sweet! o/~ > I want to >congratulate all of you for helping me stop these deadly >adversaries. As a token of my favor, receive these." Crow: [A-O] They're good for a free appetizer at participating Red Lobsters. > Once >again, fiery shafts emerged form her fingers, but this time they >solidified into gemstones. > Mike: Cubic zirconium? Crow: Nah, it's a new miracle polymer called "Scintillex". Don't rub it against any hard surfaces. >"These solar gemstones will serve as a reminder of your heroic >deeds in saving my people," Amaterasu-Omikami said. Crow: [A-O] Or sell 'em on e-bay. It's really out of my hands once you get them. > "Keep them >with pride, and pass them on to your children and grandchildren. Mike: [Chibi] Cool! Pass it on to me mom! Come on! You heard her! Tom: Later, when the radioactive gems left them sterile, the Senshi reflected on the ironic little sun god's words! >Remind them of the time you saved my people from tyranny. And >now I must leave you. Crow: [A-O] Got a five o'clock with my analyst. I just don't feel good about my omnipotence these days. > Come, my brother, we will return to the >heavens. Mike: [Susano] No! This is cool! Look, I can topple this building with my finger! Wheeee! > I will leave you with my blessing: may you live long >and healthy lives for as long as the Sun shall shine in the >skies." Crow: Well there's a self-evident blessing. Tom: Oh! And may you breathe deep the wonders of life for as long as there's oxygen in the air! Mike: And may you enjoy a successful soccer career until your legs fall off! > Thus the two gods left our plane of existence for >theirs. > Crow: Later, berks! See ya in Sigil! Tom: Bye guys! Drink when you're thirsty! Mike: Live until you die! Crow: Don't eat eggs unless they're thoroughly cooked! >Everyone stood there speechless for a minute. Mike: Ah. Now this is my favorite minute of the story. > Finally, Sailor >Moon said, Mike: [Usagi] Well that was just *nuts.* > "We did it. We all did it. We saved Japan." > Tom: [Usagi, dull] I am so. Happy. Mike & Crow: [Senshi] Us. Too. Yay. >They could hear the SDF soldiers below singing "Kimigayo" again, >followed by a chorus of "BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!" > Mike: Three *different* small junipers fall on Usagi, Rei, and Daria, the other Senshi point and laugh, and! Fade out! >A new era had dawned on Japan, and the world was never going to >be the same. Tom: Then the code went out: Climb Mt. Niitaka! Crow: For at that moment, the Great Dragon Ryumyo had awoken from its slumber inside of Mt. Fuji, and the sixth age of man had begun. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >A few days later, a huge crowd had gathered in the Throne Room of >the Imperial Palace. Tom: Oh, well of course, now we rip off the end to "Star Wars". Crow: I don't think this is a story as much as it is a demonstration of how random access memory works. > There were ambassadors, members of the >Diet, Mike: Susan Powter! Crow: Tony Little! Tom: Jenny Craig! > and SDF soldiers, sailors and airmen as well as the Prime >Minister, the Cabinet and the Imperial Family. Tom: And it's still smaller than a "Saturday Night Live" cast reunion. > Also there was >Representative-Elect Nagai; despite the horrible damage Tokyo >suffered, the by-election went on as scheduled, and he won by a >landslide. Crow: Well seein' as he's the only candidate running... Tom: He did survive a strong write-in challenge for John Flansburgh of "They Might Be Giants" though. > The Sailor Senshi, Ryu, the Solar Warrior, Gen. >Torymura and Jane were all going to receive the Order of the >Rising Sun, Crow: From the House of the Rising Sun. Tom: It's been the ruin of many a fanfic. Mike: Oh God, I think this is one! > the highest medal Japan could bestow. Mike: The second highest is the "Golden Guerin", but the ceremony lasts six days. Tom: [chuckling] With no rests between speeches. > They all >entered the room, and everyone smartly stepped aside to allow >them passage. They walked up to the Emperor and stopped in front >of him, bowing deeply. > >"Honored heroes," the Emperor began, Tom: Welcome to climax number *five*! > "today a grateful Japan >gives to you the highest award this nation can bestow for bravery >above and beyond the call of duty: Tom: A free Sony Walkman. > the Order of the Rising Sun. Mike: Is fighting evil really "above and beyond" a superhero's duty? Crow: Well... >Wear these medals with pride. Crow: You can't get back in the palace without them! > Remember the sacrifices you made >to save our nation from peril." > Tom: Yeah, right. Could you just validate the parking please? >The Emperor them pinned the medals on each of them. Mike: Well, they had to use a magnet to get it on Daria's metal bikini, but it worked out. > After that, >the crowd cheered "BANZAI!" five times. > Mike: Hail the conquering dipsticks. Crow: Considering this government blackmailed them, I'm surprised they're not throwing the medals to the ground and stepping on them. >Gen. Torymura then stepped forward to say a few words: > Tom: [Torymura] Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word, life, it means forever and that's... ah, what the hell. BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI... >"I want to commend the brave actions made by all those who were >under my command in this situation. Mike: [Torymura] You toiled in anonymity for the further glory of me! Good job! > We were fighting against >impossible odds but we succeeded. But I do not know if I am >worthy of such high merit. Crow: Neither do we! But the medals were cheaper in sets of five! > I must confess a shortcoming to you >that occurred fifteen years ago. Tom: [Torymura] I bought into this land deal in Arkansas, and... > I was on patrol that day when >the Soviets shot down the KAL jet that wandered into their >airspace. Crow: What? You were?! Hang him! > We should have done something to avert the tragedy, >but we felt bound by Article 9. Mike: And, just a reminder. If you're looking for the purveyors of quality collections of internet comic strips, just head over to www.plan9.org. Tom: Mike? Mike: Sorry. They slipped me a fiver to say that. > Although we had been cleared of >negligence, I still feel some moral responsibility for what >happened because my sister and brother-in-law were on board. Tom: He's right! Get him! Mike: Burn him in effigy! Crow: No! Let's burn'em right here in Tokyo! > But >now I can begin to atone for my shortcomings." Crow: He's gonna get hairpulgs, a convertible, and dump his wife for a 22-year old geisha. > He motioned to >Makoto and continued, Mike: OK! Done atoning! Thanks for your time! > "I hereby vow to you all that I will take >care of my niece Kino Makoto, whose parents were on board that >plane, and I will finance her college education. She will live >with my wife and children as well as myself. Crow: Wouldn't that be implied? Mike: You don't know the general's homelife, Crow. > She will once again >have a family." > Tom: Yeah, yeah, c'mon, the sashimi's gettin' warm! >The crowd applauded. Mike: Good. She's normal now. Tom: Yeah, no more being a hideous freak without parents. Let's welcome her into society on a trial basis. > Tears of joy were running down Makoto's >face. > Crow: [Minako, weeping] This is so much better than being valued for my own achievements! >Daria clapped with the others; meanwhile, she knew that she had >to catch a flight after this, Mike: John Hughes' "Planes, Planes, and a Few More Planes". > and there was one small matter she >had to take care of at a duty free shop before that. . . Crow: Daria needed booze, and lots of it! Tom: Hey, wait! Where's the old WWII plane guy? Mike: I think he's back home basking in the applause of the refrigerator. Crow: Pinning a slice of genoa salami to his chest. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >At Narita Airport, Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Jodie and Mack were >going to take the next flight to Lawndale. Tom: o/~ They'll take the next plane to Lawndale and we'll meet them at the airport. Take the next plane to Lawndale. There'll be a layover in Frankfurt. Oh-oh-oh! o/~ Mike: [touching Tom] Ok, Tom. We get it. Thanks. > But there was some >matters to take care of first. > >"Well," Ami said, "since I didn't register, I lost my tuition >deposit. Crow: So now we torch the school! SHABON SPRAY, A POUND OF FLESH! > Now I'll have to wait another year for pre-med. >Besides, I don't think I'm ready for it yet, anyway." > Tom: [snarky] Oh, yes, millions are orphaned, there's a mass funeral later, but let's talk about *you!* >"Good call, Ami-chan," Usagi said, "we need you big time." > Crow: The giggling girl ratio is perilously low! >"I guess this means my career as Sailor Mercury is over," Daria >said. > Tom: [Daria] Now I have to stop being better than you guys and go back to just being better than my own family. >"It most certainly is!," Luna said. "Ami, Daria, grab onto my >tail." Tom: Cat Yanking! The Olympic sport the whole family can enjoy! Crow: Wait, doesn't Ami already have her Mercury powers? Won't this cause a short or something? > They did, and the Sailor Mercury powers were transferred >back to Ami. > Mike: In full view of all the tourists comin' off the red- eye from LAX. Crow: [tourist] Oh look. Two schoolgirls being electrocuted by a talking cat. Tom: [same] We really *are* in Japan! >"Well," Daria said, "back to just being a mere mortal!" > Mike: [Usagi] Ami, did you hear something? Tom: [Ami] I think one of the mortals tried to talk to us, Usagi. Mike: [Usagi] Really? How quaint. >"Hey," Jane said, "you still have your ability to put down >people!" > Crow: [Jane] So put me down! Heeeelp!!! >"Daria," Usagi said, "on behalf of all the Sailor Senshi, thanks >for all your help. Tom: Good luck, get out, and never come back, foreign trash! > If we ever get a chance to visit Lawndale, >we'll look you up. Keep in touch with us, OK?" > Mike: Yeah, Jane stuffed Chibi in her suitcase. They'll be in touch *real soon*. >"We will," Daria said. > Crow: [Bogart] It doesn't take much to see the problems of two people, their two black friends, two hundred forty-eight Senshi and some talking cats don't add up to a hill of beans in this crazy world. >"Mikey," Mike: What? Crow: Not you. Mike: Sorry. Just having flashbacks to childhood with my brother. > Brian said, "it was nice meeting you again, even if it >was brief." > Tom: Uh-huh. And you are...? >"Next time you go on leave, drop by," Mack said. > Mike: We'll have an indistinct family reunion, full of hazy sack races and vague potato salad! >"I'm going to miss you guys," Daria said, then hugged all the >Sailor Senshi. > Mike: The Long Arms of Daria's Law! >The PA announcer said that the Lawndale flight was now boarding. > Tom: [sighing] I don't think I'll ever be able to look at airports the same way again. Crow: [downcast] The movie "Airport" didn't spend so much time at the airport. >"We've got to go now," Daria said. "Keep the faith!" > Crow: Jon Bon Jovi in a brief cameo role. >Daria and her friends then went down the gate. > Tom: They only had money for two tickets, so Mack and Jodie are ridin' in the overhead compartment. Mike: Well, it's where excess baggage goes, so... >"Farewell, Daria Morgendorffer, and godspeed!," Usagi said. Tom: But that wasn't all, for on the plane ride back, yet another hijacking took place, and Daria and her friends were called upon yet again to save the day, as Jane and Trent assumed their new identities of The Red Avenger and Firehawk, and the Sailor Senshi appear, along with the Power Rangers, to assist with thWAHHHH!!!! [Mike pitches Tom out of the theater] Mike: It had to be done. Crow: I know - don't blame yourself. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >The Sailor Senshi returned to Tokyo. It was now midnight. Crow: And not a sound from the pavement. > Most >of the Sailor Senshi were with their parents in the emergency >shelters that were set up around the area. Mike: Their covers blown, the Senshi watch in horror as their parents scheme to profit from the uberchildren. > Usagi's parents >hadn't returned from the resort yet, Crow: They've gone to that party at Jack Taylor's. Mike: Huh? Crow: Before your time - don't worry about it. > so she and Chibi-Usa were >staying with Luna and Rei in Mamoru's apartment. Crow: "Three's Company 2000"! [Tom returns, shakily] Tom: What's the big idea?!? Mike: Think of it as an intervention. > Usagi and >Mamoru were sleeping together. Tom: Bwow-chicka-bwow-bwow! Mike: I can throw you outta here again. Tom: Sorry. > Usagi got up, put on a robe, >walked across the apartment past the couches where Luna, Rei and >Chibi-Usa were sleeping and stepped onto the balcony. Mike: This is that famous scene where Usagi stalks the halls, frantically trying to wash the blood off her hands. Crow: [Usagi] Out, you grody spot! > She could >see the horrific damage that Tokyo suffered. Crow: [Usagi] Gee, that's the 3rd time this week. I really oughta move to Yokohama. > Mamoru then joined >her. > Tom: [Mamoru] So. What's a nice Sailor Senshi like you doin' on a balcony like this, sweetcheeks? >"Mamo-chan," Usagi said, "with all the horrible things that have >just happened here, and with all the evil that is still rampant >in this world, will we ever realize Crystal Tokyo?" > Mike: [Usagi] Will there *ever* be a restaurant that serves small square hamburgers here? And that kid- she looks nothing like me! What's her deal? >"Perhaps it won't come to pass exactly the way everyone thought >it would," Mamoru said, Mike: Perhaps it will be all subdivisions and studio apartments. > "but it is still possible. Maybe it is >up to us to make it happen. Tom: I believe in Crystal Tokyo, 'cuz I believe in me! > Tokyo will be rebuilt, and it will >be people like us who will rebuild it. Crow: Which is probably why it keeps getting destroyed all the time. > It will take people like >Gov. Nagai to realize that vision, that future we're all fighting >for. Besides, I think I can make a difference here and now. Mike: I can make a lot of money selling the surplus Senshi as pet meat! >Tomorrow I'm going to announce that I want to seek the Komeito >nomination for the governorship of Tokyo-to. Tom: No time like the post-apocalypse to start climbing the greasy pole. > And I wouldn't mind >if you were my First Lady." > Crow: [Usagi] Huh? Your first? You've never-? Mike: [Mamoru] Well, not with girls.. I mean, No! I want you to be my bea.. er, wife! >Usagi asked, "Mamo-chan, are you asking me to marry you?" > Tom: [Mamoru] Nah, I just want you to be my intern. Crow: [Usagi] Cool! >Mamoru replied, "Yes, Usako." > Mike: Usagi! But close enough! >"Then," answered Usagi, "in that case, of course." > All: AWWW! Crow: It's so cute when an enabler finally meets his headcase! >Mamoru then pointed outside Mike: What? Mammy! Kiss her! Crow: C'mon, you big pork butt, she just said yes! Plant one! > and said, "Tsukino Usagi, take a look >around you. Mike: You're gonna make it after all. Tom: [Usagi] Uh-huh. Where's the ring, guy? > From the ashes we will build a better future for all >of us. Crow: [Usagi] Yeah, yeah. The ring, Einstein! Fork it over! Show me the rock! Come on! > If that isn't worth fighting for, than what is. Mike: Well, I don't know. Rational gun laws? Minimum wage increase? A free and democratic Cuba? Crow: Nope. A decent order of French Fries. Oh, and cheap gas. > At least >if we are to fight for it, let us do that side-by-side, husband >and wife." > Mike: [Mamoru] Okay, so our getting married doesn't say jack about whether we'll be able to rebuild a whole *city* on our own, but I'm on a roll here... >They then kissed and returned to bed. Mike: Well, Usagi did. Mamoru suggested they bring Rei along and now he's cooling it on the couch. > They made love, and they >fell asleep, Crow: Being a guy, of course, Mamoru fell asleep long before Usagi did... > Mamoru's head laying across Usagi's breasts. Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE BREASTS!!!! Crow: Wow! Tom: STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!! Mike: You okay now, buddy? Tom: NO!!! *pant* *pant* But I'm better! > Usagi >then said to herself, "We will fight for a better future, Queen >Serenity, and we will do it together." [All rise to leave.] Crow: [Usagi] But first I gotta ditch Tuxedo Load here. Tom: Finally! A line fitting to end the story! Mike: Tomorrow on the big program, Pepper Ann from Disney's "1 Saturday Morning" fills in for Setsuna, that baby thing from "Hysteria" drops by, and musical guest Cake. Splendora, take us home! All: *o/~ La-la, LA la, la! o/~* >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- [All stop, perplexed. They warily return to their seats.] Crow: Huh? There's more? Mike: What, we have to see Daria unpack? END already! >At Lawndale International Airport, Helen, Jake and Quinn were >waiting for Daria's flight to arrive. > Tom: And *another* airport yet?! Mike: But it was a Northwest flight, so it would be a few hours yet. Maybe even a couple of days. Crow: Too bad they never found all those unexploded grenades the militia had hid around town. Wonder where they went. Ah, well, time to reopen the airport. >"When are they going to get here?," Jake said. > Tom: Well when they arrive, we'll ask them. >"You know airlines," Helen said, "they're always running behind >schedule!" > Mike: [Jake] You'd think Alaska Air would be more timely. Crow: [Helen] And it's not like there's been recent terrorist activity in Lawndale or anything. >Suddenly, Daria and her friends came down the gate. Tom: Accompanied by Tom Sawyer. > They ran up >to Daria and hugged her. > All: AWWWW...! Mike: And it's all the more touching because a gigantic mutant ogre tried to step on her! >"Welcome home, sweetheart!," Jake said. "We're so happy you're >back." > Tom: [Daria] You know, dad, I did save the town from militants. You might want to say you're proud of me. Crow: [Jake] Sorry, kiddo! This is the reunion scene. Take it up with Pete. >"Quinn," Daria said, "I have this for you." It was a box. > Mike: [Quinn] Wow! This is cooler than when you got me that inter-office envelope! >"What's in it?," Quinn asked. "I hope it's not a bomb!" > Mike: Instantly, airport security swooped down upon Quinn and arrested her for her bomb threat. >"Quinn!," Helen said. > >"Open it and see," Daria said. > Crow: Ironically, it *was* a bomb! And a good laugh was had by all. >Quinn did, and a very beautiful kimono was inside. Quinn held it >up to her and said, Mike: [Quinn] This is a kimono? I was thinking of those cool straw mats. > "Oh, Daria! This is so beautiful! I'm going >to wear this to the next meeting of the Fashion Club!" > Tom: [grumbling] Yeah, yeah, konichiwhat do I care? >"Man, am I ever glad to be back home," Trent said. > >"You know, Trent," Daria said, "I have to agree with you." [All rise to leave.] Tom: [Daria] Because otherwise, this story is completely pointless. Crow: She has to agree with him! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~ Mike: Oh, and "Rosebud"? A big fat plane! Sayonara, suckers! Tom: At least it's over. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Since it was the weekend when she arrived back, [All crawl wearily back to their seats.] All: Oh, for crying out loud! Tom: The movie "Clue" had fewer endings than this! Mike: What could possibly be left to write about?! Yerko's funeral? The Sailor Starlights' bill? What? > Daria spent >Friday night at her house, then spent Saturday at Jane's place. Crow: So Daria sleeps around? That's what we stayed after class for? >That night, she and Trent had a frank talk about their feelings >for each other, Crow: [Daria] You want me to WHAT?! NO! Tom: [Trent] Come on, Daria. I can't buy the bunch without first tasting a grape. Mike: o/~ Let me talk frank about Frank... o/~ > and they wound up sleeping together. Tom: The first 95% of the story was mindless violence, and the rest is apparently cartoon sex. > It was >midnight now, and they were lying in bed. Mike: [Trent, wistfully] What do you think trees think about? > Daria laid her head >across Trent's chest. She was trying to find some words, Mike: Paresthesia! Tom: Furibund! Mike: Zarzuela! Crow: Crestomathy! Tom: Glabella! Crow: Splunge! > but all >she said at first was: > Crow: So that's it, huh? >"Trent, take a good look at me and ask me if I'm really small- >breasted." > Tom: [Sighing] She should have kept looking for words. Crow: [dully] Wow. A breast reference. What a shock. Mike: [same] Yeah. We sure never saw that coming. >Trent replied, "Daria, no matter now big those things are, you're >still a beautiful woman to me." > Crow: Noah? Issat you? Tom: [Trent] I mean, you can do like you pleases, you're nobody's fool.... Crow: Tom... Tom: You can't be convicted, you've earned your degree.... Mike: Tom? Tom: o/~ And the most she will do is throw shadows at you, but she's a beautiful woman to me...o/~ Crow & Mike: TOM! Tom: What? >Daria continued, "Trent, I'm glad we finally admitted that we >love each other. This has been a special night for me. Crow: [dully] You can tell. From the joy in my voice. > But what >led you to finally confess your feelings for me?" > Crow: [Trent] This sense of impending doom. But it never happened. What a bummer. >Trent began to reply: > Mike: [Trent] Jane said you were a pushover for fake sincerity. >"Well, I spoke to that Mamoru cat, Crow: Was that the black one or the white? > and he told it like it was for >him when he first met that Usagi babe. Mike: Wait, isn't this from that Shakespeare rip-off with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes? Tom: Um, Mike, that *was* a Shakespeare play. Mike: Hah! Yeah, and I'm Regis Philbin! Crow: You may wanna break out that lifeline, sparky! > He told me he once hated >her and called her 'Dumpling-Head', Tom: She was one *dim sum* of a bitch! Ha! Crow: That joke showed *wonton* disregard for us, Tommy! Mike: OK, before I hear a pun on "kreplach", could we stop now please? Thank you. > but over time he realized how >special she was to him, though he didn't have the guts to say it >at first. But now they're real close, man. Tom: [Trent] In fact, they were just on the same balcony. > Mamoru gave me the >courage to finally speak out. I'm glad he did." > Mike: Kept that crazy blonde airhead off the streets. >"And I'm glad he did, too," Daria said as she grabbed some body >oil and began rubbing it on Trent. Daria now felt good being >nude, and so did Trent. > [All sobbing and groaning] Crow: Everytime we think we've hit bottom, there's Pete, digging a us a fresh new level of hell. >Jane heard everything that was going on through the wall and >smiled to herself. Mike: Now we're just getting creepy! Crow: See?!? Fresh new hell!!! > "At last, my brother's admitted he's crazy >for Daria," she said to herself. Mike: And his monkey noises during foreplay are actually kinda endearing! > "Hell, maybe someday they'll >get married and have kids Tom: Yes, making creative people conform! The goal of any Japanese story! > and I'll be a good aunt to them and >teach them to be artists like me!" Crow: [Jane] I'll teach them to kick crotches and... well I guess that's it, really. > Jane went off to sleep with a >self-satisfied smirk. Tom: So she's sleeping with Jim Carrey? Mike: Should we even move? Tom: Even he wouldn't end on that. Crow: I'm not sure he would end on *anything* at this point. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >After spending Sunday at home, Daria returned to school. Tom: Oh-ho, see? We had to see that Daria didn't drop out of high school, right? > At >first, she was a bit reprehensive since she was an outcast, but >when she entered, Tom: She was teased and ostracized and she realized the whole thing had been a dream. > it seemed everyone was asking questions about >what had happened and what she did. Mike: [kid] Can you fly? Tom: [kid] Can you see the future? Crow: [DeMartino] Daria! CURE my SCIATICA! > Now, that school was letting >out for the day, everyone was crowding around her. > Mike: It's so crowded that even the faces of those she's wronged don't have room to float up before her. >"You've just got to tell me who does your clothes," Sandi said, Mike: [Sandi] I love whole metal bra look. >"that combat fatigue look is so chic!" > Tom: THEY'RE NOT COMBAT FATIGUES!! Mike: Jeez, what, are you Jeff Healy's kid? Open your eyes, dammit! Crow: The new "Eddie Vedder" line from Sears. [Tom and Mike turn to stare at Crow.] Crow: What? >"Want to go to my party this Friday night?," Brittany said, >twirling her hair around her finger and staring into space, Tom: Uh-oh, she's having another episode. > "I >know some guys who might be interested in you!" > Tom: [sighing] This is SO not Daria. Crow: Yeah, even with the death plane and all the stupid senshi, this is the most non-Daria moment right here. >"Thanks, but I'm already spoken for," Daria said. > Crow: [Daria] I'm going to be Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson! >"You know, Daria, you're an OK person," Kevin said. > Mike: Wow, she saves the whole town and she's an "OK person"? What would she have to do in order to be a "neat-o person"? Tom: Go back in time and prevent this story. >"If you ever want to join the Fashion Club, you're welcome to," >Stacy said. > >"And to think that just a few days ago, nobody wanted to talk to >you," Jane said. > Crow: [Jane] You were so much cooler then. >"Well, I just hope my fifteen minutes of fame lasts a bit longer >than most others," Daria said. > Mike: It's fifteen minutes! What, time moves slower in Lawndale? Tom: Mike? Mike: Oh, right. It's Lawndale. I forgot. Sorry. >Daria saw Quinn coming with her boyfriends Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. Crow: Wow, she's already up to the J's. > >"And this is my heroic sister, Daria!," Quinn said. > Crow: [Jeffy] Eh. She looks like one of those Sailor Scoops whose tapes are in the close-out bin at Blockbusters. >"I thought she was your cousin," Joey said. > Crow: [Quinn] She's both! Mom and Dad came from West Virginia. >"That was all rumors!," replied Quinn. "She really is my sister, >and I'm proud of it!" > Mike: A little sugar with your saccharine, Pete? >Suddenly, Upchuck arrived. > Tom: Someone must be thinking of that baby oil scene... >"Hey, Quinn," Upchuck said, "want to go to my place for some >tutoring, if you know what I mean? ROWR!" > Tom: [Quinn] No thank you, my grades are perfectly satisfactory. >"Leave me alone, Upchuck!," screamed Quinn. > >"I'll handle this, Quinn," Daria said. "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!" > >Upchuck was frozen to his neck. > >"I thought you gave up all of Sailor Mercury's powers," Jane >said. > Mike: You kiddin'? Once you've had it senshi style, you never go back! Crow: [wincing] Ugh. Shame on you, Mike! Mike: Yup. Shame on me. >Daria replied, "Not all of them, Jane; after all, I have to teach >some idiots here a lesson!" > Mike: Oh, where to begin? Tom: Meanwhile, in Japan... Crow: [Ami] Take this, Acid Monster! SHABON SPRAY, FREEZ-! Huh?! What the-?! Oh, poopie! >"C'mon," Jane said, "Let's go get a pizza!" Mike: [Quinn] I don't know, guys. Charles seems like he's in pain or something! Shouldn't we call a doctor? Tom: [Jane] Nah, don't worry about it. C'mon, deep dish or regular? Mike: [Quinn] But should he be turning that color? Tom: [Jane] Chuck E. Cheese's? Mike: [Quinn] Chuck E. Cheese's! Cool! > She flung her arms >around Daria and Quinn All: Saaaaaaay! > and left along with the others. Upchuck >was all alone. > Tom: And he died of hypothermia. And it was funny! LAUGH!!!! >He began to scream, "Hey, isn't anyone going to get me thawed >out? Anyone? HELP!" > Mike: Yes, the unpopular kid slowly dying of exposure is the comic relief. >Mr. DeMartino saw him there. > Crow: o/~ Cause he was just seventeen, and you know what I mean! o/~ >"I've been waiting a long time for this, Charles," he said. Tom: Oh, no. Have we really sunk to drawing a moustache on Charles with a laundry pen? Is this what comedy's come to? > "And >I'm going to relish this! There's one word I've been dying to >tell you for the longest time." > >Upchuck asked him, "And what's that, Mr. DeMartino?" > Mike: Plastics. >Suddenly, Mr. DeMartino yelled, "SHADDUP!" > [Silence] Mike: 500 pages in, and *now* they listen to us. Crow: Can we sue him? Really, can we sue him? Tom: Excuse me for a moment, Mike. [Tom's head explodes in a fiery *ka-boom*] Mike: Gah! Well, that hasn't happened in a while. [Mike begins to replace Tom's destroyed head.] >He left Upchuck where he was. The lights were turned off and the >doors locked. > Crow: Thank god the sadistic, uncaring militia didn't win! >Upchuck now began to shriek in his loudest voice possible: > Crow: *SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!* >"HELP! HELP! ANYONE! I'LL PAY A HUNDRED DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO >CAN FREE ME!" > Crow: Ah! A noble quest, Sir Upchuck! Mike: Heck! I'll give whomever can free *us* $1,000! [Mike finishes working on Tom, and Tom re-activates] Tom: Okay, what happened? Crow: We were placed in suspended animation. It's the year 2525. Tom: Is the story...? Mike: Nope. We're still in the epilogue. Tom: Blast. This thing is longer than Warren Beatty's Oscar speech. >Upchuck kept this up for a few minutes, then finally said, "Why >do I always get into these predicaments?" [All rise to leave.] Tom: He's always gettin' into one zany scrape after another. Mike: Ah! For fun. Let's get out of here before - >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- >EPILOGUE > [All stop, sigh loudly, and walk slowly back to their seats.] Tom: He's doing this on purpose. I just know it. Crow: Well, at least epilogue implies we're getting near the end of this thing. Mike: We'll see. >A government investigation led by Representative Nagai revealed >that the NIRAA was a deep-rooted conspiracy Mike: So Sailor Stumpgrinder was called in to handle it. > that involved some >corporate executives, some non-commissioned SDF officers and even >some minor bureaucrats. Crow: What an effective conspiracy. They managed to completely avoid ensnaring anyone in a position of power. > Massive arrests were made. > Tom: A few people arrested were even involved in the conspiracy. >Chiba Mamoru won the election to fill out Nagai's term as >governor of Tokyo-to and married Usagi. Tom: There's one campaign promise he wished he could break. > They soon had a child, >Chibi-Usa. The older Chibi-Usa then returned to her time. > Crow: And a sigh of relief was uttered by all. >Rei took over as chief priest for the reconstructed Sendai Hill >Shrine and honed her mental abilities until only Charles Xavier >was a stronger telepath then her on Earth. > [Silence] Tom: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Crow: [panicked] Mike? We're in the Epilogue. He can't add in new crossovers now! It's forbidden by the rules, isn't it? Mike: Yeah, but Pete plays by his own set of rules! He's a rebel! >Ami eventually did go to pre-med in Germany, and fulfilled her >complete medical studies in the United States sometime later. Mike: [Ami] I interned with Doctor Hook and Dr. Billy Graham! >She later joined the staff of the Mayo Clinic and helped find a >cure for childhood leukemia. > Tom: The cure involved making a speech, then freezing them! Crow: Then she jacked up her fees higher than a Cheech and Chong movie. >Makoto joined the Japanese Olympic team and won several gold >medals in track and field in the 2004 Games in Athens. > Tom: Minako was not important enough to be mentioned. Mike: Who? Crow: Peter could just throw out Japanese sounding names and we'd have no choice but to believe they were in story. >Gen. Torymura eventually was named to the SDF Joint Chiefs of >Staff. > Mike: But he turned them down to take over the Offensive coordinator position at Florida State. >Hamada Ieyasu declined to be awarded the Order of the Rising >Sun, saying that serving his nation was reward enough. Crow: Although he did keep clearing his throat and rubbing his fingers together for some reason. > He died >shortly thereafter; his ashes were scattered from his beloved >Nick over Tokyo Bay. Tom: [weepy] He was a true hero, who cared enough about his country to betray it to its sworn enemies. > The Nick is now at the SDF museum. > Mike: Where its dangerous state of disrepair continues to delight children and the elderly! >The Solar Warrior still fights for truth and justice to this very >day; Crow: He's a fry chef at a Tokyo Arthur Treacher's! Tom: Mention the Sun Goddess to get free hushpuppies when you buy two meals at the regular price! > he's had various adventures which will probably someday be >told in another tale. > Crow: Oh, what the hell! Let's tell it now! Once upon a time... >Japan truly changed from the Neo-Zero affair. Mike: It started dating countries half its age, and bought a Ferrari! > It fully >apologized for what it did in World War II and promised to help >better relations with its neighbors and the world community at >large. > Mike: And then they invaded Belgium. Tom: "What?" said Japan. "We've always been in Belgium!" >The Sailor Senshi are still committed to a better future for >Japan and the world. > Crow: In both sub and dub formats. >A Federal investigation revealed that the Lawndale Militia had >extensive firepower in reserve and that many upstanding members >of the community were part of it. Tom: [Jake] Let me go! I had nothing to do with the militia! Mike: [cop] Yeah, yeah, you and the last fifty people we arrested, fellah. Tom: [Jake] Give me one shred of evidence! Mike: [cop] Ha! Get this, Sal! "Evidence"! Like his twenty dollar college words are gonna save him now! > There were many convictions, >and most were either sentenced to death or life without parole. > Mike: Soon, Lawndale was little more than a ghost town, with only Daria left, clinging to her past glory and refusing to take off her metal bikini. >Daria and Trent eventually married. They have a daughter, Usagi, >and a son, Mamoru. Crow: Boy, that's gratitude for you. Daria and Trent name their kids after Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Boy, and in return, they name their kid after a clay statue that you grow plants on. > Their Aunt Jane is getting their artistic >talents honed. > Mike: [Jane, gruff] OK, now I want you drink the same way you fight- with two fists! Tom: [kid] But Auntie Jane, you said to always have a lit cigarette! Mike: [Jane] No one said art was easy, kid. >Daria eventually became a lawyer like her mother. She >successfully argued the case before the Supreme Court that struck >down the 1996 welfare reform laws as unconstitutional because it >violated poor people's due process rights. > Mike: Then she woke from her daydream and returned to her life as a staff lawyer for Philip Morris Tobacco. >Trent and his band Mystik Spiral eventually signed a multi-record >deal with Warner Bros. records and has seven multi-platinum >albums and scores of Top Ten and Number One hits. > Tom: In Japan, they're almost as big as Spinaltap! >Ms. Li was eventually found guilty of embezzlement and sentenced >to thirty years in jail. Tom: She was out in six months and got a job as a commentator for CNBC. > Mr. DeMartino then became the new >principal. > Crow: Eventually, he and his eye broke up due to "irreconcilable differences". >Highland admitted that it had used ineligible players in the game >in question and forfeited it; Mike: I knew James VanDerbeek didn't play for Highland! > Lawndale thus won the conference >title and eventually the state title. > Tom: And eventually- Poland! >Israeli troops wreaked their vengeance on Islamic Jihad for the >JAL hijacking. Crow: [Jihad] What?! I didn't order twenty Hawaiian pizzas! > The Imam al-Kabaz was killed when a missile >struck his home. Crow: The Israelis had nothing to do with that. It was just a SuperDave stunt gone horribly wrong. > Outstanding indictments against the others who >were involved are pending in American and Japanese courts. > Mike: [terrorists] Ooooooo! Pending indictments! Please stop, scary lawyer people, before you issue a subpoena! >And, as for your announcer, he plans to finally get a good >night's sleep and take a month off from his computer. Tom: For thirty wonderful days, the sun shined brighter, food tasted better... Crow: People seemed to laugh more then... > He needs >it. > Tom: Astronaut Frank Douglas rescued alive, well, and of normal size some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat in the North Atlantic. >"This is the end, beautiful friend, the end." > >--Jim Morrison, The Doors, "The End" Mike: Finally! All right guys, let's go. [Mike rises to leave] Crow: One second. I just want to see it say "THE END" Tom: Besides, it's not over. We're probably heading to Germany where Ami's med school is beginning a dangerous new experiment... >----------------------------------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------------------------------- > >THE EVER-LOVIN' END! > Crow: Ahhhh! Ok, let's go. Tom: I don't know, guys. Should we trust him? Mike: OK, OK. Let's all get up, real casual... no one's in any hurry. Crow: Right! Ha! Tra-la-la, la-la! Mike: Now RUUUUN! Crow and TOM: AAAAUGH!!! [All make a mad dash for the exit.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] >----------------------------------------------------------------- [The Bridge] [Mike and the bots stand behind the command console, looking warily around. ] Tom: So, that's it? Finally? Crow: Whew. I thought he'd never shut up. [Mike takes a deep breath and then speaks.] Mike: You smell that smell, boys? Tom: What? The jasmine? That's from the incense... Mike: Not that! It smells like freedom! Crow: Jasmine smells like freedom? Mike: WOULD YOU FOGET ABOUT THE JASMINE?? Look, since the story is finally over, I thought we'd celebrate. Tom: Well, we don't have anything to celebrate with, Mike. Mike: Guys, I'll just get something from the liquor cabinet... Crow: Tom and I emptied the liquor cabinet during Data 7. Tom: It didn't help. Mike: You emptied the... wait. You're robots. Does alcohol even affect you? [Silence] Crow: Oh. Tom: I knew we'd forgotten something. Mike: [Sighs] It doesn't matter guys. 'Cause I've got something even better than booze! Bots: Better than booze?! Mike: Yep! I've got... a song! Bots: [Dejectedly] Oh. Mike: Come on, guys! It'll be great! Crow: I guess. Tom: We've just been doing a lot of these lately, Mike... Mike: Sing the song or I restart my "EZ-Bot Mechanics" study again. Tom: A song? Wow! That's great! Crow: Let's go! I love singing! Mike: I thought you'd see it my way. [Mike picks up a guitar from behind the console and begins to play.] [TTO: "American Pie"] Mike: o/~ A long, long time ago, back before time began, The Solarians were on the Sun. Their Goddess took a little cruise To find some folks not so obtuse, So the sun guys were left up there all alone... o/~ o/~ But then some baddies wandered in, They blew up stuff and made no friends. The Solarians were wiped out - o/~ Crow: o/~ Except for that stupid Sun Lout! o/~ Mike: o/~ Then the goddess named Selune Put a bunch of babes up on the moon. They made young fellows stop and swoon. And now, our tale's begun... o/~ o/~ Oh, why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ [Faster, Bouncy - you know the drill!] Tom: o/~ Did you know this four-eyed girl Is gonna fly across the world To jabber with a talking cat? o/~ Crow: o/~ Ahh, she's leaving Lawndale far behind, To go to Tokyo, where she will find That all those heroes want to do is chat! o/~ Mike: o/~ Well, I know she's a brand new Senshi, And in fact, she's Sailor Mercury! But she's really got the blues, Because she has to wear those fukus! o/~ o/~ Now she's a cynical teenage super belle Who loves her Trent, though he can't tell, And her sister looks like Gabrielle! And now, our taaaaale's begun! So we're all singin'... o/~ All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ Mike: o/~ Now for 10 years (or so it seems) We've watched a bunch of nothing scenes, Where no one does a thing but yack! And the general was up in flight, But ran away from an aerial fight. He had the nerve to come crawling back! o/~ Crow: o/~ And when the governor almost died, By the Sun Jerk, his butt was fried And he had to thank his mommy - Amaterasu-Omikami! o/~ Tom: o/~ While Daria used her Shabon Spray, The hijacker flew poor Ami away, But we still knew they'd save the day Because our taaaaale's begun! And we're still singin' o/~ All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ Crow: [whining, as Mike plays] Mike! This song's as long as the story was! Mike: I know. It's symbolic. Tom: Huh? Mike: Just keep singing! Tom: o/~ Hi No Tori, even though a bore, he Inserted throughout the whole story. Plausibility is falling fast. Then Yoriko stole the neo-plane, And sang Monkish songs until she went insane And tried to blow up the entire cast . o/~ Mike: o/~ Now the football game was starting soon, While Mystik Spiral played their tunes. What plays would Kevin call? Oh, but we never saw it at all! o/~ Crow: o/~ 'Cause the airplane crashed into the field, While the militia used them as a shield. And Beavis and Butthead were revealed, And our tale has just begun! We started singing o/~ All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ Crow: o/~ We're scattered all over the place, From Lawndale clear to outer space - I don't know why, but you can ask. So come on Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon, The Sailor Squad is gonna be here soon, Along with that fey hero, Tuxedo Mask. o/~ Tom: o/~ And as the NeoZero bombed us all, My ears hear Yoriko's screeching call: "BASTARDS!" she did yell, "I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL"! o/~ Mike: o/~ And as Lawndale burned into the night, And Quinn escaped by morning's light, I knew it would never be all right, We've bare - ly just - begun! And we're still singing, o/~ All: o/~ Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ [Slower, almost reverently] Mike: o/~ I met a Sailor Senshi girl, And I asked her if they'd saved the world, But she just smiled and flew away And I went to Lawndale High to see The Principal, Ms. Angela Li But DeMartino said the cops hauled her away. o/~ o/~ Then Moon and Mask, they married did, And had a most annoying kid Trent and Daria stayed loyal, And used lots of scented oil. o/~ All: Ewwww! Mike: o/~ Now two series we admire best, "Moon" and "Daria", at last can rest. It's over now, and off our chest At last, our tale - is - done. o/~ o/~But we're still singin; - Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! He's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ All: o/! Why, why, did we give this a try? Took a look quick at the fanfic, shoulda just let it lie. That ol' Pete Guerin's got that look in his eye, Says he's got another bright idea! *sigh*! o/~ [As the song finishes, the lights signaling a call from Castle Forrester begin to flash. Mike places the guitar down and taps the light, smiling widely.] Mike: ... So, whaddya think, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: You're celebrating kinda early, aren't you, Nelson? [SoL] Mike: Why shouldn't we be celebrating? We've survived this train wreck of a story! After this, not even a Bulwer-Lytton story could stop us now! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: It's not over. [SoL] Mike: Of course it's over! We just read the epilogue! [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Nelson? It's not over. [SoL] Mike: [unsurely] But it has to be. There was an epilogue... Crow: [ibid] That's how stories end... [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Not when... [Bobo enters, still talking on the phone.] Bobo: You don't say? No, I really wasn't aware of how humans had been brainwashed to reject the concept of a timecube. Say, I need to... Oh, you're going to tell me all about it. Great. [Bobo exits, shaking his head. Pearl casts a concerned look at him as he leaves, then shakes her head and turns back to Mike.] Pearl: As I was saying, not when the story has an appendix. [SoL] Mike: An appendix? Tom: But it's fanfic! Fanfic things don't have appendices! [Castle Forrester] [Pearl breaks into an evil grin.] Pearl: This one does. Get back in there, Nelson. [SoL] [The fanfic sign flashes wildly. The trio stares dumbfoundedly at the screen.] Crow: This isn't happening... Tom: An appendix? Mike: I guess we'd better buckle up, guys. It looks like we've got fanfic appendix sign. [Mike halfheartedly hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] >--------------------------------------------------------------- [The trio enter and very slowly walk to their seats.] Tom: An appendix? Crow: But... but... Mike: Come on, guys. It can't be that bad. I hope. > >APPENDIX TO "THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG >DEBACLE" >By >Peter Guerin > Crow: Do we have to? Mike: 'fraid so, Crow. [Servo is shaking back and forth] Mike: [putting a hand on Tom's shoulder] Tom. [pause] Tom! Servo! [Tom stops shaking] Mike: Didn't we talk about this already? Tom: [sheepishly] Sorry. >INTRODUCTION > Tom: An introduction to an appendix. We may be in trouble, guys! >This appendix was designed to help explain some of the cultural >aspects of Japan Tom: Since there weren't enough mind numbingly obscure facts about Japanese life in the story itself. Mike: There you go, Servo. We can do this. > as well as explain some of the in-jokes in the >story; Crow: "In-jokes" - when the author blames the audience for not laughing. > since this story has a heavy anime influence, and otaku >in-jokes are very much a hallmark of the business, Mike: So this is just an avant-garde greeting card? > there's plenty >of them. > Crow: All non-anime fans who read this story cover to cover, raise your hands! [All raise hands.] One, two... OK, three. Fine. Mike: I guess this entire thing was written for us then. Thanks. Tom: [desperately] But we don't care, so can we leave? *Now?* Mike: [gloomy] Settle in, Tom... >This appendix is in two parts: Crow: A two-part appendix? Tom: Looks like we *are* in deep doodoo. > Part 1 is a brief but detailed >discussion of Japan in general Mike: You may want to take a Zantac before we start that section. > while Part 2 is an explanation of >the in-jokes by the data (or chapters) they appear in. Tom: Detailed analysis will *prove* I'm funny! > Part 1 >itself is divided into several subjects: History of Japan; >Politics and Government; Religious Practices; Education; >Business; and Social Conditions. > Crow: Wow! And we thought this would be long and dull! Tom: Yep. Very deep doodoo. >I am greatly indebted to the two books I have drawn most of my >source material from. Mike: Michael Crichton's "Rising Sun" and "The Pokey Little Puppy". > I have learned more about Japan from these >two books than in any encyclopedia article or news report I have >read in the past twenty years. Crow: Except for that "Tom Tomorrow" series on the WTO! > They are "The Japanese Today: >Change and Continuity" Tom: Talk about waffling! > by Edwin O. Reischauer (Cambridge, >Massachusetts, Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1988), Mike: Pointy-Headed Brie-Eating East Coast Liberals Press, Incorporated. >a book often cited as the definitive English-language book on >Japan; Tom: Well, by English speakers. The Japanese refer to it as a "laugh riot". > the other is "Samurai from Outer Space: Crow: Yeah, *there's* a suitably impressive dissertation title. Tom: Roger Corman's "Samurai from Outer Space"! > Understanding >Japanese Animation" by Dr. Antonia Levi Mike: I can see where it would take a doctorate. Crow: In psychology and stomach treatment, most likely. > (Chicago, Open Court >Press, 1996), which is available from Lorraine Savage's [Silence] Mike: Steve? You better not be involved in this... >organization Anime Hasshin at PO Box 5121, Manchester NH 03108; >please write to her for details about ordering this book or e- >mail her at hasshin@tiac.net and mention about it to her. Crow: Mention the Misery Deelybobber Sashimi Thingy and win a free restraining order! > The >historical outline as well as some information about Shinto were >taken from "World Almanac 1997" (Mahwah, NJ, World Almanac Books, >1996). Mike: [incredulous] He gave us publishing details on an *almanac*?! Tom: This really *is* a swollen appendix! > Since this is but a brief description of Japan, I >sincerely hope that those who read this appendix will consult >these references for further study; Crow: Pete should sincerely hope Japan doesn't file a class action suit. Mike: If we promise to do the reading, can we skip the appendix? > Reischauer's book should be >available at any good library, and Dr. Levi's book, Tom: Complete with button-fly dust jacket. > as mentioned, >can be ordered from Anime Hasshin. Crow: Did I mention that I get a commission from the fine folks at Anime Hasshin? Buy a book, already! >***************************************************************** >******************** >PART ONE: JAPAN IN GENERAL Crow: Japan is a country where people live. Its main export is stuff. >***************************************************************** >********************1. History > >Japanese history is broken down into several eras; Crow: There's the Age of Ninjas. Mike: The Age of Godzilla. Tom: And the Age of Gun-toting Cartoon Girls. > until the so- >called Meiji Restoration of 1868, they often coincided with >events such as conquests, coups or changes in government >structure. Mike: Or new uniforms on "Star Trek". > After 1868, eras changed when a new Emperor ascended >the throne Tom: And had the seat reupholstered. > (as when the Showa Era ended Crow: They stopped taking showers? Mike: No, they didn't stop taking showers! > and the present Heisei >Era began in 1989 Tom: Hey, Emperor Willie Mays! The Heisei Kid! > when then Emperor Hirohito died and his son >Crown Prince Akihito acceded to the throne). Crow: So powerless figureheads set the parameters of modern history? Mike: Hey! 'S'not my country. I don't make the rules. > Although the >Christian or Common Era dating system is now used in Japan as in >the rest of the world, Tom: The Christian Dating System! The only video service tailored for you Southern Baptist singles on the go! > Japanese coins to this day still bear the >imperial era year instead of the calendar year (i.e. 1998 is >Heisei 10). > Crow: That was a much better film than "Heisei 9". Tom: Yeah, they got back to the basics for 10. Mike: Those coins printed with "Heisei 0" must be major sore spots for the royals. >Japanese history is said to have started in 660 BC, when, Crow: Pat Morita was born. >according to legend, Jimmu Tenno established the Imperial >Dynasty; Crow: You'll ride in style, in the new 660 B.C. Imperial Dynasty! Tom: Power windows, independent suspension! All standard! Mike: Jimmy Tenore? He was in my reading power class. > whether or not he actually ruled all of Japan is in >doubt, Crow: He ruled any room his *wife* wasn't in. > but he did exist, Tom: Sure he did, honey. Mike: I remember when I found out Jimmu Tenno was actually my dad. I cried for weeks. > and it is true that the dynasty has >ruled unbroken to the present day (Akihito being a direct >descendant).Reliable records, however, only begin in AD 3rd >Century and were written by the Chinese. Crow: Previously, these records were placed in cookies and distributed as an after-meal snack. > Another aspect was that >Jimmu Tenno claimed as his ancestor Amaterasu-Omikami, the Shinto >Sun Goddess; Mike: [Jimmu] She's my nana! Tom: So there really is an Alamagoosa-Oshkoshbgosh? > this claim was not disputed until Hirohito renounced >it at the insistence of American occupation forces in 1946. Mike: At that point, MacArthur became a god. Crow: Well, in his own mind, anyway. > This >divine claim of the Imperial Family's origins will be explained >further in the article about religion. > Mike: Thomas Hobbes's "The Divine Right of Whackjobs". >Japanese historical eras roughly begin with those first records >and are as follows: > >Yamato (c. 300-592) Yamato plain conquered. > Mike: The giant nacho beasts are then tamed and domesticated. >Asuka (592-710) Empress Suiko ascends the throne. > Crow: Wow. 108 years. Mike: It's those bran muffins. They'll do it to you every time. >Nara (710-794) Heijo (later Nara) established as Japan's Crow: Later called "Nut Cluster Island's"... > first >capital; later moved to Nagaoka in 784. > Tom: Later moved next to the sofa, facing the television. >Heian (794-1185) Heian (later Kyoto) becomes the capital; Crow: Nagoaka Residents Storm Wrong Capital In Protest! > remains >de facto capital until 1868, when Tokyo is proclaimed the sole >capital. > Mike: Thanks to its high prehistoric monster traffic, Tokyo was the natural site from which to govern a nation. >Fujiwara (858-1160) Fujiwara-no-Yoshifusa becomes regent. > Tom: Later, Ash, Spider Silk and Black Pearl become regents. >Taira (1160-1185) Taira-no-Kiyomori seizes power; Crow: After shuddering uncontrollably and smelling smoke rising from his ears, he lets it go again. > defeated by >Minamoto-no-Yoritomo in 1185. > Mike: In turn, defeated by Fisheye no-Miko in 1998. Crow: I cannot contain my enthusiasm over this list! It's incredible! Tom: Makes you wonder why operas don't have more lists in them. Mike: Maybe it's considered too "low brow". >Kamakura (1192-1333) Tom: Was the oldest person in Japanese history. Mike: Kama Kura, and his brothers, Chameleon and Sutra! > Yoritomo becomes the first shogun or >military ruler of Japan. > Crow: Nuh-uh! Who's the shogun of Japan? Mike & Tom: Sho'nuff! >Namboku (1334-1392) Imperial power restored by Godaigo, who later >establishes the Southern Court at Yoshino in 1336. > Tom: o/~ When you see the Southern Court for the first time... o/~ >Ashikaga (1338-1573) Asikaga Takaugi restores shogunal rule. > Mike: Mainly because he just loves saying 'shogun'. Crow: James Clavell is welcomed back into the nation. >Muromachi Crow: The national dipping chip of Japan! > (1392-1573) Southern and Northern Courts reunited; Mike: Reunion tour disappoints millions. Crow: "Retire!" cry the multitudes. >arrival of first Westerners-- Tom: Amway representatives, of course. > Portuguese and Jesuit priests. > Tom: So, this Jesuit priest walks into Japan. I can't remember the set-up, but the punchline goes, "I did! Why'd you think I got kicked out of Tokyo!" >Sengoku (1467-1600) Onin War breaks out. > Crow: So does Sandy Popindopolis over in Constantinople. >Momoyama (1573-16003) Tom: Lasted a long time, did it? > Oda Nobunga enters Kyoto 1568; Crow: Demands tube socks, gummi worms! Mike: You know, I heard he's really ambitious. Get it? Ambitious? Tom: We get it, Mike. > deposes last >Ashikaga shogun in 1573; Tokugawa Ieyasu victor at Sekigahara, >1600. > Crow: These random sounds brought to you by Aiwa! The last word in stereophonics! Tom: Geez, this looks like I'm reading a menu! Mike: Try the stir-fried Tokygawa special, with some Sekigahara soup. >Edo, or Tokugawa Crow: To his friends. > (1603-1867) Ieyasu becomes shogun; Tom: Court endlessly entertained by limitless "Gezundheit!" joke opportunities. > establishes >Edo (later Tokyo) as shogunal capital. Christianity stamped out >and Europeans expelled; Tom: The hazings were getting out of hand. Crow: They wind up being sent to charter schools. > only Dutch are allowed to trade and only >at Nagasaki. Mike: Only Belgians are allowed to dance, and only Laplanders are allowed to eat nougat. > Japan begins to isolate itself from the rest of the >world. Crow: The diplomatic equivalent of a nine-year-old pulling the covers over its head. > Westerners return with a vengeance, led by US Commodore >Matthew Perry in 1853, Mike: That was in between his time on "Sydney" and "Friends". Tom: He was quickly followed by Admiral David Schwimmer and Field Marshall Courtney Cox-Arquette. > US Consul-General Townsend Harris Mike: What kind of twisted mother names her child Townsend?! Tom: The same kind that names her child Yahoo Serious or Alanis Morissette. > (born in >Hudson Falls, New York) negotiates first trade treaty 1858. >Upstart samurai and others depose Tokugawa shogunate 1867. > Crow: [educational film] Shogunate! Raw, unrefined shogun, straight from the shogun mines! Mike: [same] While too crude too rule Japan, shogunate is a critical ingredient in modern plywood! >Meiji (1868-1912) Mutsuhito proclaimed Emperor in so-called Meiji >Restoration; Crow: He is later deposed in the so-called Meiji Declination. Tom: "So-called"? Does Pete have some issues here? Mike: Well, it was REALLY called the Meiji Keggar, but Restoration just sounds more professional. > Tokyo proclaimed sole capital. Mike: Edo still rules haddock, fluke. Crow: Later, Detroit is declared "Soul Capital" under Emperor Berry Gordy the first. > Charter Oath, 1868; >first Constitution promulgated by the "genro" or elder statesmen >who actually rule in 1889; Tom: Massive kickbacks and pay raises begin circulating. Mike: Right to "swear I will not rest until I avenge the death of my goldfish" guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. > Sino-Japanese War 1894-95 and Russo- >Japanese War 1904-05 big Japanese victories, especially for >Imperial Navy, Tom: [moaning] Mike? I'm gonna escape into my own dreamworld for a minute. You don't mind, do you? Mike: Hell no. Knock yourself out. Tom: Thanks. [closes eyes, sighs pleasantly, then whistles] No Guerin! No Guerin! > which gets technical assistance from British Royal >Navy (their influence would be felt elsewhere, as will be >explained in the article about education). Tom: [blissful] Flowers are blooming... children playing... Japan is across the ocean, far, FAR away... Crow: I think he's enjoying this TOO much. > Korea and Taiwan >annexed as well as half of Sakhalin Island. Rapid modernization >occurs. > Tom: Japan can now afford to put a down payment on that condo it's had its eye on, and trades in the Dodge Dart for a new Toyota. Tom: [still dreamy] Oooooo! A plane! Mike: Huh? Tom: A bright shiny plane on the horizon! Loaded down with gleaming bombs and bright bubbly chemical weapons, and happy armor-piercing bullets! Crow: Tommy? Tom: It's come to kill Japan! Hooray! Mike: Whoo-boy. Crow: I don't know. That dream sounds really appealing. >Taisho (1912-1926) Reign of Emperor Yoshihito, who is >unfortunately mentally incompetent; Mike: He suffered from the delusion that he was Charles III. > forcing Crown Prince Hirohito >to act as regent for most of his father's reign. Tom: [friendly] BOOM! There goes Tokyo! BOOM! Good riddance, Kyoto! Crow: Mike, he's fallen in too deep! Get him out of there! Mike: [grabs Servo and shakes him gently] Tom, wake up, man. Tom: Huh? Wha? Where am I? Mike: It's okay, Tom. You were slipping away from us there. Tom: I had the most wonderful dream... > Great Kanto >Earthquake 1923 decimates most of Tokyo. > Tom: Yeah! That was it! Crow: However, Yoshihito blamed it all on a vast right-wing conspiracy. >Showa (1926-1989) Hirohito ascends throne; becomes longest ruling >Emperor ever (he reigns almost as long as Queen Victoria). Mike: Coincidentally, he is also not amused. >Military slowly creeps into power, first with unauthorized attack >on Manchuria in 1931; Mike: [Military] Hell, we just wanted some take-out. We're so sick of Japanese food... > in full power by 1937; Hirohito objects >strongly to most of the military's actions but is powerless to >stop them. Tom: Despite being the emperor? Crow: He's descended from the smaller, geekier gods! > Gen. Tojo Hideki becomes prime minister 1940. Japan >allies itself with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy. Tom: And Communist Vermont! > Surprise >attack against Americans at Pearl Harbor 1941. Crow: Thankfully, they were driven off by the USS Nimitz and Freakazoid! > Japan conquers >most of East Asia, but almost all land is reconquered 1941-1945. Mike: As recorded in the animated 1966 documentary, "Yellow Submarine". >Atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 force Hirohito >to call for surrender against the wishes of his government. Crow: [government] Come on! What's a few million dead? Tom: Anyway, we've got this great counterattack planned that involves twelve pounds of wasabi and a ferret! >American occupation 1945-1952; Gen. MacArthur's staff drafts >present Constitution, adopted 1947. Mike: They later trade the constitution for an outfielder and two minor league pitchers. > U.S. takes Okinawa (but is >returned in 1972); Crow: [US] Here, you can have it back. It clashes with Guam. > USSR takes Kuriles and the southern half of >Sakhalin Island (they're still part of Russia to this day; Tom: Yeah, there a tea ceremony means opening a bottle of Stolly's and griping about your neighbor's money. > the >Russian possession of the Kuriles has been a source of friction >between the two nations). Tom: 1954: An atomic explosion creates giant monsters out of stray pets. Crow: Oh, like baby alligators, and other nasty beasts? > After occupation ends, Japan recovers >to become an industrial and economic powerhouse. Crow: The pinnacle of Japanese engineering, the Wasabi, led their fleet of superior automobiles. > Hirohito was >the last World War II leader still in office (and the only Axis >power government official still in office) when he dies. > Tom: And weren't the secretaries surprised to find him the next morning! >Heisei (1989-present) Akihito accedes to the throne; presides >over economic crisis of 1990's. Great Kobe Earthquake 1995. Mike: Great Kobe Beef, 1998. Crow: [basso] Beef! It's what's for dinner! Tom: So this is what 'brief but detailed' means. >***************************************************************** >******************** >2. Politics and Government > >a. Constitution > All: o/~ We the people! In order to form a more perfect union! o/~ >Japan is governed under its present Showa or 1947 Constitution. Mike: Article 1: You gotta fight for your right to party. >This supplanted the original Meiji Constitution of 1889 and was >drafted by the American occupation forces under the command of >Gen. Douglas MacArthur. Crow: Coincidentally, it enshrines egomania and corncob pipe smoking as unalienable rights. Tom: [MacArthur] All right, troops! What do you wanna see the little yellow bast - Mike: No. Absolutely not. > Although some view it as an American >document imposed on Japan, it did take into account many of the >trends that were already prevalent in Japan before the >militarists took over; Tom: For example, mood rings and tamagotchi. Crow: Throngs of Tokyo residents relished the mandatory kissing of John Wayne posters. > Japan was becoming a parliamentary >democracy and a constitutional monarchy as of the British model. Tom: Toffee consumption rose 400%! Mike: Article 4 requires tabloid-worthy antics of Japanese royalty. >There were some American innovations, however, as will be >explained shortly. All: Industry! > The new instrument solidified the trend >toward parliamentary democracy. Crow: The tuba! Instrument of change! Tom: Yeah, nothing like the threat of nuclear annihilation to clear your thinking. > The Emperor was now called "the >symbol of the State and the unity of the people" while the Diet >was called "the highest organ of state power" and "the sole law- >making organ". Mike: Previously, the highest organ of state power had been the gall bladder, and the sole law-making organ was the small intestine. [Crow and Tom both start to speak] Mike: No Clinton/Lewinsky jokes. [Crow and Tom settle back down, mumbling] > Further, the famed Article 9 states that "Japan >forever renounces war as a sovereign right and the maintenance of >land, sea, and air forces"; Crow: Leaving them wide open for invasion and terrorist groups. All: D'oh! > this has been interpreted to mean >that Japan cannot wage offensive war, but has the right to defend >itself; Crow: [chuckling] Hey guys! Let's go up to Japan and go, "Does this bug you? We're not touching you!" Tom: On the other hand, since the best defense is a good offense... > thus the creation of the Self-Defense Forces in 1954 amid >much controversy. Amendments to the constitution can be made by >a two-thirds majority of both houses of the Diet, Crow: Cindy Crawford's "House of Diet." > though it is >silent as to whether such amendments are later to be approved by >referendum as in many European nations or to be ratified by the >prefectures as in the American system of ratification by states. Tom: Man, the balk rule isn't this complicated! Mike: Y'know, at this point, I'm starting to feel nostalgic for the senseless violence and rampant sex. >So far, no amendments have been made. Mike: Well how are they supposed to if they don't know how? > There is even a Bill of >Rights like in the American Constitution; Crow: It says, "Loud and shiny purchase with Constitution made. Talking for you smiles. Burnish!" > such existed in the >1889 Constitution, but had legal restrictions placed on them. Mike: So, you had freedoms, but they were illegal? >There are no restrictions in the present document, though the >public is enjoined to use their rights "for the public welfare". > Crow: Yeah, the Twenty-Sixth Amendment is just the word "Behave!" >b. The Emperor and Imperial Family > Tom: Are all hemophiliacs under the hypnotic sway of a mystic from the slopes of Mount Fuji... Mike: o/~ Travellin' along, there's a song we're singing... o/~ Crow: Wrong family, Mike. >Presently, the Imperial Family is restricted to the immediate >members. This was one of the reforms of the American occupation. Crow: The introduction of the dysfunctional family. >Only Hirohito, Empress Nagako, Crown Prince Akihito and >Hirohito's three brothers were considered to be "imperial"; Mike: The remainder of the family was declared common margarine. > even >his married daughters were classed as commoners. Crow: Gasp! How dare we drag Japan into the 1700s like that! > In 1959, >Akihito married Michiko Shoda (now Empress Michiko); even by pre- >war standards she was a commoner (her father, however, was a >respected businessman) Crow: A made guy, a real family man, if you catch my drift. > and was the first to marry into the >Imperial family (she was also the first non-Shintoist and non- >Buddhist to do so; Mike: And the first sheep sheerer and the first southpaw! > she's Catholic and went to Seishin University, >a Catholic institution); they fell in love while playing tennis. Tom: And the score was love-all, heh heh heh! Crow: [Michiko]: But I don't understand - I lost, so I have to marry you? >The present Crown Prince is Naruhito; he too is married to a >commoner named Masako Owada, and there were rumors for a while >that Crown Princess Masako was unhappy about their marriage. Crow: If Naruhito wanted to be a tampon, so help me, I'm going to level the entire country. Mike: I'm just hoping their descendants don't start an extra-solar colony that spawns a 13 year old Star Fleet princess. >Thankfully, the Japanese Imperial Family has been free of the >tabloid controversy that has surrounded the British, Monegasque, Tom: Um, gesundheit? >Belgian and Dutch Royal Families, Tom: Belgian tabloids? What, did someone pose nude with a waffle? > despite misgivings that still >linger (especially by veterans) over what degree of guilt >Hirohito had in the military government's actions. Mike: [old vet] What degree of guilt gets me a fat government check? > Hirohito was >actually relived that he no longer had to wear a military uniform >and instead wore a business suit and pursued his interests in >marine biology. > [Silence] Mike: Marine biology? Tom: Folks, sometimes real life is stranger than whatever riffs we can think up. Crow: I wonder if he ever met George Costanza? >The Imperial Family is actually a shy, quiet, retiring family, Tom: SEE YOU IN THE PARLOR ROOM, YOU BASTARDS! Mike: Soon, they'll be moving to Florida. Crow: I smell a sitcom... >much suited to their roles as serving as symbols of the state. Crow: See? Bang two royals together, they make a clashing sound! Mike: "Symbols", Crow. With an "s". Crow: Oh. >Although the Emperor still takes part in some Shinto rituals, the >government says they have no actual religious significance. Mike: So when he turns water into wine, it's just a ploy for attention. Nod politely and move away. > When >Shinto was declared the established religion during the Meiji >Era, the Emperor was considered a god and the leader of the >faith; Tom: Wow - this guy was almost as powerful as Michael Jordan! > to put it in perspective, it would be as if someone >combined the Queen of England's role as temporal head of the >Church of England with the spiritual leadership of the Archbishop >of Canterbury and then made a living saint or a god. Crow: Which describes Barbara Streisand's current job perfectly. > Shinto, >however, is much more complex than that, as will be seen in the >article about religion. > Mike: For a transcript of this speech, send $5.00 to, "Who Asked?", Journal Graphics, Pueblo Colorado. Tom: Does anyone know why we're being forced to sit through a friggin' civics lesson?!? Crow: Especially since we just barely escaped from the world's most dangerous fanfic?!? Mike: Pearl. Evil. Nuff said. >Perhaps one of the reasons why the Japanese Imperial Family has >kept itself free from controversy is that Mike: - they are terminally boring. > most Japanese view them >now as average people; Tom: I.E., better than Americans. Crow: Just a plain old ordinary family living in a palace with hundreds of servants and stuff. > gone are the days when it was forbidden to >look at the Emperor's face. Mike: It's just that no one wants to. > Hirohito stunned everyone in 1945 >when he went on the air to announce Japan's surrender to the >Allies and told his countrymen to "bear the unbearable". Tom: They'd have to read Deepak Chopra. > The >marriage of Akihito and Michiko stirred interest because they >were in love with each other Tom: Unlike most loveless Japanese marriages. Mike: Servo! > and the fact that Michiko is >Catholic is not as fatal as if Prince Charles--who would be the >temporal head of the Church of England when he ascends the >throne--married a Catholic (which he is forbidden to do so >anyway); Crow: So forget we even mentioned it. Mike: The entire female population of England immediately converts. Tom: Odd. I have a sudden urge to break into "Jerusalem." > after all, Shinto and Buddhism existed peacefully side- >by-side for centuries, Mike: You got your Shinto in my Buddhism! Tom: Well you got your Buddhism in my Shinto! > and after the Meiji Restoration, >Christianity itself was beginning to be accepted once again (the >present constitution guarantees complete religious freedom; Crow: Go worship any stupid loser god you want! > this >was no hasty decision given the toleration for Shinto and >Buddhism as just mentioned). Mike: [confused] So the Japanese imperial family can't look at Catholics, or... Crow: Hey, Tom, try and diagram that last sentence so we can watch your head explode again! > Most Japanese people accept the >Imperial Family as an integral part of their government; Mike: A fish really DOES need a bicycle. > most >just don't make a big deal out of if, and there is no real >movement to abolish it (even the Japanese Communist Party does >not want to get rid of it). Tom: DEATH TO THE BOURGEOIS RUNNING DOG CAPITALIST ELITE! Uh, except for you, your highness. > The Imperial Family lives in a >palace in Tokyo that was used by the Tokugawa shoguns; it is open >to the public only on two days a year: Mike: Last Thursday and February 32. > the Emperor's Birthday >(December 23) and New Year's Day. Crow: Or whenever the Crown Prince throws one of his bitchin' keggers! All: Woooooooo!!! > >The Emperor's functions-- Tom: Can all be accessed by use of your hotkeys. > other then the non-religious role he now >has in Shinto--are quite few. Crow: He presides over mall openings, plays Santa Claus at the palace Christmas party, and gets to name every first-born puppy. > He signs documents such as bills >and treaties, thus indicating his Imperial Assent (much like the >Queen does in Britain in signifying her Royal Assent). [Mike wolf whistles] Crow: And what a Royal Assent! Rwwwor! > Every >December, the Emperor opens the yearly session of the Diet by >reading a speech at his throne Tom: Most people just read to themselves on the throne. > just behind the Speaker's podium >in the House of Councilors, much like the Queen's Speech is read >in the State Opening of Parliament every November or the >President delivering his State of the Union Address to Congress >every January or February. MIke: No, March! I mean April! JUNE! Crow: So the Japanese are pretty much just like the English. Tom: Minus the bad teeth. Mike: Tom! Now with the English! > The administration of the Imperial >Family's functions is handled by the Imperial Household Agency. > Tom: A division of Humana. >It should be noted that the Japanese themselves do not call the >Emperor by his actual name; Crow: They usually call him by his high-school nickname, "Blobbo". > in government documents and in news >reports, he is called "His Imperial Majesty" or "the present >Emperor"; Mike: Sometimes he's referred to as "The Amazing Mr. Please- Please." > even in death, he is referred to by the name given to >the era of his reign; Crow: So Clinton is the Monica President? Who knew? > thus, Hirohito is now the Showa Emperor, >and when Akihito dies, he will be known as the Heisei Emperor. > Mike: Actually, "The Late Heisei Emperor", but why pick nits? >c. Prime Minister and Cabinet > Mike: The thrilling prequel to "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." >Actual political power rests with the Prime Minister and his >Cabinet Tom: He keeps it in his sock drawer. > (curiously, Emperors ceased to have actual political >power almost a thousand years ago; Tom: Just like Strom Thurmond. > even the so-called Meiji >Restoration just removed power from the shogun and transferred it >to the genro, or elder statesmen who engineered the coup). Crow: Meanwhile, they're giving the emperor shiny toys to distract him from the fact that no one's listening to him! > The >Prime Minister can come from either house of the Diet, but in >practice he is always from the House of Representatives, the >lower house, since they have the final say on who will hold the >post. Crow: And usually the post turns into a cascade. Mike: Yes, even in Japan, Rachel and Rain are getting married. > The Prime Minister appoints his Cabinet of ministers. >Among the most important include Education, Finance, and >International Trade and Industry (MITI) . Mike: o/~ Here he comes to save the day! o/~ Bots: MITI Minister! > As in other >parliamentary systems, the Cabinet consist of members of the >party in the majority in the House of Representatives. Other >functions of the national government are of agency rank, such as >the Self Defense Agency and the Imperial Household Agency. > Mike: Department of State - check. Department of Defense - check. Department of Dusting, Waxing and Picking the Emperor's Socks Up Off the Floor - Check. Crow: Wow! This Appendix really clears up a lot of issues for me. For instance, I now know life ISN'T worth living, and that there IS no purpose to our existence? Mike: Crow? I think we're getting a little dark here. Crow: Oh? You think so, Mike? I thought I was just expressing my feelings. Well, I'll just bottle my emotions like a ticking bomb, then! Mike: Thanks. I appreciate it. >d. The Diet > Mike: Starts tomorrow! Crow: It better not be that stupid cabbage diet. Tom: Yeah, the entire satellite stunk after you tried it last time. Mike: But they said I could lose 10 pounds in a week! >When the Diet was first organized in 1890, it was clearly >influenced by the British Parliament. Crow: Hence the deep-fried Snickers bars! Tom: The first in a long line of cheap Japanese knock-offs. > In 1947, it was >reorganized with some influence of American Congressional >practices but is still much like Parliament. > Tom: It's Funkadelic, baby! Crow: o/~ Atomic Do-o-o-o-og o/~ Mike: [basso] Bow-wow-wow-yippe-yo-yippe-yay! >Like many national legislatures, the Diet is bicameral; Crow: It's attracted to Cannon *and* Nikon. > that is, >it consists of two houses. Mike: [Rich Twit] Yash, the main house at the Hamptons, and the summah house at the cove. > The upper house is called the House >of Councillors, while the lower house--much like ours is in >Congress--is called the House of Representatives. > Tom: Well, that and other names not printable. Mike: Again, just like in America. >The House of Councillors is an entirely elected body that >replaced a partially appointed, partially inherited, partially >elected House of Peers from the Meiji Restoration. Crow: Which in turn replaced the old DuPont Network. > The House of >Councillors consists of 252 members; Tom: [shudder] A nation ruled by 252 Deanna Trois. [shudder] Crow: [Zap Brannigan] Each one sashaying around in form- fitting velour... > of these, one hundred are >elected from the nation at large; Mike: Strangely, the others are selected by the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond". > the other 152 are elected from >each of Japan's 47 prefectures. Crow: Fifteen of them are raffled off at the Rotary Club. > Each prefecture has a minimum of >two so that at least one member from each prefecture will stand >for election during each election cycle. Crow: Thus ensuring all official business grinds to a halt in the grand quest to be re-elected. Mike: Please consult with your doctor before embarking on any election program. Pregnant women should not touch broken prefectures. > Tokyo Metropolitan >Prefecture has the most with 8. All members of the House of >Councillors serve for six-year terms, and elections are held >every three years, regardless of whether the House of >Representatives is also standing for election; Mike: And in defiance of all common sense. Tom: Or our interest. > at each election, >half of the at-large membership (or 50) and half of the >prefectural membership (or 76) stands for election. Tom: I hope you're all taking notes, because this *will* be on the final exam! Crow: [sudden realization] Hey! Hey guys, you know who Guerin is? He's that creepy history substitute who always insisted on trying to teach? Mike: Ew! And then he'd get all mad and huffy 'cause no one paid attention? Man, I HATED him! > Therefore, >the upper house of the Diet is more akin to the U.S. Senate and >the Canadian Senate than the British House of Lords as in the >previous House of Peers. > Mike: In other words, they're not ineffectual drones, they're power-crazed lunkheads. >The House of Representatives consists presently of 500 members, Crow: Insert member joke here. >each elected form a prefectural constituency; each prefecture is >divided into districts (or constituencies), Mike: Which are all divided among the Five Families. > which in turn elect >from three to five members depending on the population of the >constituency Tom: Ah. Excellent. Let me make note of that IN CASE I EVER NEED TO PASS A CIVICS TEST IN JAPAN! *pant* *pant* *pant* Mike: There there, honey. > (the only exception is Okinawa Prefecture, which >only elects one member at-large). Crow: [sarcastic] Oooh, Okinawa is just *so-o-o-o-o* special! > A voter can only choose one >candidate in the election, however. Tom: Well, sure. Vote for everybody and you'd just get a tie. > This rather convoluted >system was seen as a compromise between the Anglo-American >plurality system (where whoever has the largest amount of votes-- >not necessarily a majority--wins) Crow: Man! We are so lucky this stuff was posted for public consumption. He could easily have turned it into a lucrative subscription site! Tom: Hot Wet History Action! Prominent underage grad students divulge their secret Nippo-political fantasies just for YOU! > and the European proportional >representation system (where the parties are assigned seats in >relation to how many votes they got in total). Tom: I suppose now's not the time to bring up the whole "Gallatinist Representation" thing, is it? Mike: Y'know, there *are* SF authors *besides* L. Neil Smith. You two should look into it. > As in most >parliamentary systems, the party that gains a simple majority of >seats in the House of Representatives (or 251) gets to form the >government, Tom: While the runners-up compete in the consolation tournament. > with the party leader becoming Prime Minister. >Members of the House of Representatives serve for four years, >unless (which, like many parliamentary democracies) elections are >called for sooner than that by the government. > Mike: If Japan had a dictator, we'd be home now. > As in most parliamentary systems (and unlike our Congress, where >both houses are roughly equal in power), Mike: The Senate got a kick out of that sentence, I'm sure. Tom: [agitated] What the hell *is* this, a citizenship test?! GET ON WITH IT! > the House of >Representatives has the most power; it originates revenue bills, Crow: All in favor of taxing fanfic authors by the word? All: AYE! >including the budget, Mike: It can force eminent scientists to kowtow to young children in weird shorts. Crow: It can bend spoons with its mind. Tom: It can offer a delicious breakfast buffet for only $4.99. > and can override a rejection of a bill by >the upper house by two-thirds vote (which is roughly analogous to >overriding a Presidential veto by Congress but different from the >House of Lords delaying bills for a year). Crow: And different still from how a cow uses its four stomachs. > Further, the >concurrence of the upper chamber is not needed for treaties, Tom: Curiously, the concurrence of Marilyn Chambers *is* required. Mike: Japan goes "Behind the Green Pagoda" - tonight on Cinemax! > and >budgetary bills become law after thirty days whether or not the >upper house has voted on it (much like the House of Lords cannot >defeat a Money Bill passed by the House of Commons). > Crow: This is gonna be awful hard to condense into one of those snappy "Schoolhouse Rock" songs, y'know. >The typical year for the Diet starts with Tom: - a New Year's resolution. Mike: And is over by February. > the State Opening in >December, where all the members gather in the House of >Councilors' chamber to hear the Emperor's Speech which, like the >Queen's Speech in Parliament, outlines the Government's agenda >for the year. Mike: Unlike Slick, though, his speeches don't run two hours. > Work on the budget is usually completed by April, >though sessions are held in summer and fall in order to >appropriate additional moneys as necessary. Tom: And sometimes emergency sessions are held to approve funding for sports stadiums. Crow: By then, they're emptying cookie jars and checking under the couch cushions. > Both houses elect >their own Speakers; Mike: *Bose* speakers. Tom: [Paul Harvey] And now, page two. > the Speakers, though still tied to their >parties as in the American system, Tom: Sa-a-a-a-a-ay... > must practice strict >neutrality as is the case for the Speaker of the British House of >Commons. Tom: [announcer] Japan: Like England, only England-ier! > History was made in 1992 when Doi Takako, a Socialist, >was elected Speaker of the House of Representatives, the first >woman to hold the post; Crow: Darn commies! Mike: She's not communist, she's socialist. Crow: Pfah! Mere details! > Ms Doi already made history by becoming >the first woman to head a political party in Japan. As is the >case for Congress and Parliament, both houses have committees; Tom: Which is where most of your really big graft takes place. >among the most important are the Audit Committee and the Budget >Committee; Mike: As well as the Anime Committee, the Radioactive Monster Committee . . . > it is in the Budget Committee that questions are asked >of the Government and is somewhat similar to the "Question Time" >of the House of Commons which many have seen here in the U.S. on >C-SPAN on Sunday nights. > Mike: Still, C-SPAN gets higher ratings than the Seahawks/ Cardinals game. >e. The Supreme Court > Crow: Judge Diana Ross, presiding. >One American innovation made to Japan's otherwise pure >parliamentary system was the creation of a Supreme Court with the >power of judicial review as in the American model. Tom: And thanks to the JCLU, the wheels of justice soon grind to a screeching halt. > In most >parliamentary systems, once a law is passed, the courts (not even >the House of Lords, the highest court of appeal in Great Britain) >cannot rule on its constitutionality, Tom: Kind of a bad deal, ain't it? Mike: Yeah, well, on the other hand, they don't have all those lawyers running around loose, either. > though in Britain, >statutory instruments Tom: From CONN! > (the equivalent of Federal regulations) can >be scrutinized to see if they fall within the scope of powers >granted in the parent law. Mike: If not, they're sent to their room without supper. Crow: Parent law also covers bed time, chore distribution and annual allowance budgeting. > This is not the case in Japan, where >the Supreme Court can rule on constitutionality. However, most >of the time, the court sides with the decisions made by the Diet >majority. Mike: As seen in the landmark 1991 "Hashimoto vs. Susan Powter" case. > However, the court has been a zealous defender of >citizen's rights and was active in many pollution cases in the >1970's. Crow: [newsman] A million barrels of crude legal briefs were dumped into the Bay of Tokyo this morning... > The Prime Minister appoints the members of the Supreme >Court; the Chief Judge is named by the Emperor. Tom: This time the Emperor named him Gimpus Botchulism. > At the next >election of the Diet after his/her appointment, the newly >appointed judge stands for election, and then faces election >every ten years afterward. However, most elections for the >Supreme Court are uncontested and non-controversial. Crow: At least the ones not involving hairs found on Coke cans. > The Supreme >Court appoints judges for the lower courts and trains prospective >lawyers.. Mike: They're *intentionally* breeding them?! > Below the Supreme Court are regional courts, >prefectural courts and municipal courts. > Crow: The municipal courts are your basic sewer system of justice. Mike: I've heard alligators live in the municipal courts. Tom: No, that's an urban myth, Mike. They get eaten by the CHUDs. >f. Law Enforcement and Justice > >The chief organ of law enforcement in Japan is the famed National >Police, Crow: The chief organ of the United States? Well, let's consult tapes of the impeachment trial... Mike: You promised. Crow: No, I didn't - I just gave in to your constant bullying. > equivalent to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Tom: [Dudley Do-Right] Nell! > or the >French gendarmes. Crow: [Herbert Lom] Clouseau!! > The logo--a sunburst shaped to look like a >chrysanthemum-- Tom: [shopping channel] Each photon has been hand-worked with the care of a craftsman... > is a familiar sight all throughout Japan and can >even been seen in anime regularly; Crow: Usually being blasted apart by gun-toting teddy bears. Tom: With voice talent by Christine Cavanaugh! > it can be best seen in the TV, >movie and OAV anime series "Patlabor". Mike: Under the control of the National Patlabor Relations Board. > What makes the National >Police so unique is that instead of precinct house or stations, Tom: They run their operations out of circus tents and church basements! >there is a "kobun" or "police-box" in every major intersection in >major cities and large house-like facilities in the countryside. Crow: The wheezing and groaning sounds these police boxes make was another British inspiration. Mike: Japan! Home of the Port-a-bobby! >The National Police have a hard-won reputation for honesty, >efficiency and integrity. Crow: [cop] Buy me a J&B or I'll jab this tazer in your neck! > That is not to say that there are >misgivings. They date back to the Tokugawa era, when "doshin", >the lowest level of samurai, served as law enforcement officers >in the urban areas. Crow: "Doshin"? Tom: It sounds like something you do on a snowboard! Mike: [dude] Whoa, we turned that half-pike into some serious doshin, dude. > These doshin carried a weapon called a >"jitte", a steel rod with a hook, Crow: o/~ Trust the Gorton's samurai! o/~ > that was used to disarm drunken >or disorderly samurai (that weapon figures prominently in the >anime series "Cyber City Oedo 808"). Tom: The doshin got their start hauling off the bad acts on Amateur Night. Mike: What with the hook on the pole and all. Tom: Right. > The reputation of the >police was not helped much by the militarist rule of the 1930's, >though it was also much neighborly snooping as well as the police >that led to the suppression of opposition. Crow: Chief of Police Gladys Kravitz! > However, by and >large, the National Police are highly respected. > Crow: Or they were until Daryl Gates took over as Police chief. Tom: And it doesn't help that every time they hit a roadblock, the Commissioner goes and turns on the Batsignal. >How the police do their job is also unique. Mike: It involves clog dancing and fairy dust. > Every six months, >the local unit pays a visit to their service area's residents, Tom: Remarking what a shame it would be if something happened to them, then selling PBA raffle tickets. >asking questions on the welfare of the family, what possessions >they recently got, and the like. Tom: He makes it sound so *nice!* Crow: Then they come back later that night and steal it all. Mike: No they don't! Crow: No? Mike: Of course not. Crow: Well where's the fun in that? > Although this may be viewed in >the U.S. as an unwarranted invasion of privacy, in Japan it is >viewed as a minor inconvenience to suffer for protection. Tom: And almost no one minds letting the police borrow their cars for a few weeks at a time, either. > In >fact, outside of totalitarian nations, no one is safer in the >world than in Japan. Mike: 'Cept for Antarctica, probably. Tom: Oooh, maybe in the 50's, Mike, but not anymore. Antarctica's changed. Crow: Now it's a haven for ruffian bands of wild-eyed penguin herring addicts, looking for cheap fun and an excuse to kill. Mike: Now stop! You're making that up! Tom: Well sure. What's your point? > The nation has very strict gun control >laws, and murder is almost unheard of (even the manufacture and >possession of samurai and ninja swords is restricted). Crow: Unlike America, where swords are cheap and plentiful. Tom: You can have Excalibur when you pry it from my cold dead hand! Mike: When Ninja Swords are outlawed, only outlaws will have Ninja Swords! > A woman >can go down the street at night and schoolchildren can go to and >from class without fearing that someone will molest them. > Tom: In Japan, citizens are molested in the privacy of their own home! >The Japanese are pretty much a law-abiding people; Crow: Except for notorious gangsters "Pretty Boy" Toshido and "Scarface" Matsumuro. Mike: So all this frenzied police activity is not only creepy, but a total waste of time. > even >schoolchildren who find a one yen coin on the street (which is >worth about one cent) Tom: Wow, that was a lot of money back then! > will more often than not turn it in to the >police (they get a notepad in exchange). Mike: What a scam! Soon the short-pants children will rule the paper market! > Of course, that is not >always the case. Much has been made of the yakuza, or gangs. Tom: Marauding huns who find pennies on the street, and keep them! >However, they operate on different principles than the Italian or >Russian Mafias and are much like the so-called "Triad Gangs" of >Hong Kong. Crow: They run around starting massive gun battles with lone wolf police officers? > Yakuza stress the so-called "bushido" or code of >honor of the old samurai. Mike: The code involves wearing a dumpy hat and driving really slow in the passing lane. > Also, unlike their counterparts in the >West, they're not afraid to be open about their connections. Crow: They're in touch with their inner thug. >They often own buildings, put out publications and even hand out >"meisei", or calling cards with the gang's name on them. Mike: Wow! Japan's an untouched gold mine for those "Stupidest Criminals" segments on Paul Harvey! > If a >yakuza member messes up, don't expect to find him in the bottom >of Tokyo Bay with concrete overshoes; Crow: Instead they'll be wearing a lead kimono. > usually they will kill >themselves instead since they let their gang down. Tom: The queasy ones'll just write their name on a slip of paper and tear it up. > The usual >trend in Western organized criminal cartels has been to downplay >such connections (exceptions being seen in Al Capone and John >Gotti) and to enforce discipline by "rubbing out" disloyal >members. > Mike: They tried "rubbing down" the stoolies, but that just caused more problems than it solved. Tom: My! I'm certainly disturbed by these penetrating insights into the inner workings of the mob! Crow: Pete got an interview with a Soprano! Tom: Wow! Crow: Yeah, he works with the community choir on Sundays. >Besides the National Police, there are local police departments >as well; the most famous is the Tokyo Metropolitan Police >Department (TMPD). Mike: Which is famous for *not* having Dennis Franz's hairy butt sticking out for all to see. Tom: Good call, Tokyo! > However, the chiefs of all local police >forces are answerable to the Chief of the National Police. [All sigh] Crow: All the thrilling details of police work! Without any of that distracting *action!* > The >National Police also have a special unit called the Mobile Unit, Crow: If Japanese Crime strikes South Alabama, they're ready! >which specializes in riot control (which it has been called on to >do many times in postwar Japan); Mike: To hose down the generally "law-abiding people". > the image of the Mobile Unit >officer in riot gear, nightstick and body length shield is known >throughout the world. > Tom: And generally causes gales of uncontrollable laughter. Crow: Hey, it's the silver guys from "Escape 2000"! Mike: [bullhorn] We advise you to leave the Bronx! >As far as prosecution is concerned, Japanese law enforcement has >been pretty good in getting criminals to confess. Though >excessive force is rarely used, Tom: It's still a laugh riot that regularly wins its time slot on Thursday nights! > sometimes it is needed, though >that has further lent to the reputation of cautious suspicion of >the police. Crow: As evidenced by their "chatty busybody" program seen earlier. Tom: Doesn't that mean the *police* are cautiously suspicious? Mike: Well, maybe they like, nervously edge up to the suspect, quickly slug him with the billy club then run behind a door. > As far as the judicial process is concerned, Japan >has been surprisingly known more for its leniency than for any >severity. Tom: [weepy] The beatings are just cuz' they care so damn much! > How a defendant acts while at trial weighs as much if >not more than his actions prior to trial. Crow: The Menendez Brothers would have a field day at that trial. > Signs of remorse could >help reduce a sentence. Mike: So the story's long sentences mean Peter is remorseless. Crow: There's a Muppet News Flash. > Case in point: the sentence handed to >the American servicemen in 1995 for raping a schoolgirl in >Okinawa (ten years hard labor) might seen severe in our eyes, Mike: Only to people with *really* bad eyes! > but >to the Japanese it was appropriate since the suspects showed no >remorse for their actions. Prosecutors (equivalent to our DA's) >often have a 99% conviction rate. Crow: So acting innocent, even if you are innocent, is a bad move? Tom: Almost makes the proceedings on "Ally McBeal" seem sane. > Further, until the Tokugawa >era, there was no capital punishment. Crow: 'Course not - the capital moved around too much to punish it! > It was first instituted >during that era in the form of crucifixion, which the leadership >found out about from the Jesuit priests who had visited in the >16th Century. Tom: So God gave his only son as an instructional video on how to do an execution? Mike: No, Tom. That's not what happened. Tom: Well that's what it sounds like. > Today, the method of execution is hanging. Tom: Tomorrow, it will involve eating Twinkies until you explode. >Japan's system of law is based more on the code system of Europe >than on the Anglo-American common law, though some common law >concepts have taken hold in postwar Japan. > Tom: Such as if you rear-end the car in front of you, it's automatically your fault. Crow: Unless you happen to be Zigra or Mothra or something. >g. Local Government > Crow: Ack! How much more of this is there? Tom: Oh, what I wouldn't give for a breather right about now. Mike: Wait a sec! I just remembered an emergency system that we could use! Crow: An emergency system? Where'd we get that? Mike: I mailed in a bunch of Wheaties boxtops. Look, just grab this wire. And... [A loud *pop* can be heard in the theater.] Mike: And now, we can just kick back and watch the fun. Tom: Cool! >Local government in Japan is pretty clear-cut. The highest form >of local government are the 47 prefectures. [A popping sound is heard, and a word balloon appears on the screen, filled with text.] [pop] The number 47 is often used as a running inside joke in Star Trek. [pop] So is William Shatner. > In theory, there are >four types of prefectures: 1) Most--43--are called "ken", [pop] "Ken" was the name of everybody in the "Fugitive Alien" films. [pop] One Ken tried to kill another Ken with a forklift. [pop] Ole'! > or >regular prefectures; [pop] Other Famous Kens: > many of them are named after an important >city [pop] Kenny G. > (such as Nagano-ken, [pop] Kenneth Starr > Nagasaki-ken [pop] Kenneth Branagh > or Saga-ken); [pop] In Scotland, "to ken" means to know something. Do ye ken Saga? > 2) >Hokkaido, the northernmost prefecture (and the most rural) is a >"do", [pop] Not a deer - a female deer. > or circuit prefecture; 3) Osaka and Kyoto are "fu", [pop] Not a feer - a female feer. > or >municipal prefectures; and 4) Tokyo is a "to", [pop] Bo Derek is considered to be a "10". [pop] Dudley Moore isn't. > or metropolitan >prefecture (that last status is roughly equivalent to Washington [pop] Freddy "Boom-Boom" Washington was one of the original Sweathogs. [pop] So was Arnold Dilfinger Horshack. [pop] Vinnie Barbarino. [pop] Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein. Crow: Er, Mike? [pop] Beau De Labarre. [pop] In fact, Welcome Back Kotter was one of the seminal sitcoms of the 1970s. It presented an amusing amalgam of Elvis and "Leave it to Beaver". Tom: Mike, I think something's wrong. [pop] One of the most redeeming features of the show is it is a television equivalent of a book of baby pictures, which will pop up occasionally to embarrass the performers on the show... Mike: Blast. I think you're right. Help me shut it off. [pop] Can not we all remember Dave Kotter's brilliant jokes about his relatives? Crow: Shut it off, Mike! [pop] Or the never ending stream of notes from Epstein's mom? Tom: Mike, really! This is getting worse than the appendix! [pop] And what about the time that the Sweathogs and Mr. Kotter were trapped in a time release bank vault for the weekend? Boy, wasn't that funny? And then there was the time... [Mike reaches below his seat and pulls a wire, breaking it in two with a loud "snap". The bubbles stop popping but remain hanging in the air. Mike begins to swat at them.] Mike: I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way. Crow: More more into the breach, I guess. >being in the District of Columbia or Mexico City being in the >Federal District or Canberra being in Australian Capitol >Territory). Crow: Australian Capitol Territory being a brewery, I'd wager. > All prefectures, however, have the same government >structure: All: Stupid! > they have an elected governor and a unicameral (one- >house) prefectural assembly. > Mike: Uh-huh. So how does all this explain how a supersonic death jet was shot down by some teenage girls in a rickety plane that was World War Two surplus? Tom: Well, you know. Prefects and stuff. >Below the prefectures are municipalities. There are three types, >depending on population: Crow: Original, Barbecue and new Zesty Ranch! > 1) villages have fewer than 30,000 >residents; 2) towns have between 30,000 and 50,000 residents; >and 3) cities have more than 50,000 residents. Crow: It takes a village to raise a child. Tom: It takes a town to raise a teenager. Mike: It takes a city to raise my Uncle Dave - he's a heavy sleeper. > All three forms >of municipalities have an elected mayor and council; councilmen >are elected at-large from all villages, towns and small cities, >while in larger cities they are elected by "ku" All: [waving] Hi, ku! > or wards like >American city councilmen often are (it is of note that although >Tokyo itself is divided into wards, it has no city government; Tom: [British] Anarchy in the UK East, man! > it >is instead governed by its prefectural governor and prefectural >assembly; thus Gov. Nagai in my story governs Tokyo and the rest >of the municipalities of Tokyo-to directly). > Mike: [Nagai] I'm the god! *I'M THE GOD!!!* >h. Defense > All: DE-fense! DE-fense! DE-fense! >Since 1954, Japan has relied on its Self-Defense Force for >protection. Mike: The same year that Godzilla first appeared. Coincidence? We think not. > These replaced the old Imperial Army, Imperial Army >Air Force and Imperial Navy of World War II. Crow: The Imperial Margarine, however, still exists today. > First >controversial, the SDF has been accepted by the Japanese as >necessary to protect their peaceful society Tom: The military! Making peace through war since 641 B.C.! > (after all, >Switzerland, which is neutral as well as peaceful, depends on its >armed forces to keep it that way). Mike: Yeah, the mighty Swiss Army, feared throughout Europe. The other nations run in fear from the Swiss' Toblerone. Tom: [softly] Just ask the Tick. > Interestingly, many of the >companies that made armaments for Japan during World War II are >still making them for the SDF; Crow: Their $60 hammers have a microchip that sings "Happy Birthday" when you swing it. > Mitsubishi, which made the >infamous A6M fighter (known here as the Zero) Mike: I thought it was the Neo Zero. Tom: That was NeoThen; this is Neonow. > made the F-4EJ >Phantom, based on the McDonnell-Douglas F-4 Phantom II. All: [frightened] Letters and numbers and planes, oh my! Letters and numbers and planes, oh... > The SDF >is divided into Ground, Air and Sea Divisions. Mike: The ground division makes coffee... Tom: The sea division combs the beach for shells... Crow: And the air division watches Michael Jordan! > Interestingly, Tom: Sez you! >Japan is now the third highest spender for defense in terms of >GDP (gross domestic product) in the world. Tom: In terms of GDP? Well what good is that? Crow: Yeah, Zambia would head the list every time they bought aluminum bats for the softball team! > However, much of >Japan's defense is still reliant on American troops, as per a >1951 Security Agreement that has been renewed in 1960 and 1970. Mike: Yeah, NBC uses them as launching points for baby-boomer oriented historical mini-series. >The bases, mainly in Okinawa-ken, have been a source of >controversy, however, as the unfortunate case of the raping of a >schoolgirl in 1995 brought out. One further curiosity: Crow: Flourless chocolate cakes! > the >version of the national flag that was used by the militarist >regime--an off-centered red "Rising Sun" with red rays on a white >field--survives today as the ensign of the Sea Self-Defense >Force. > Tom: The sea knows karate? Why would anyone try to rob it? Mike: Tom, you're being too literal. Tom: Uh-huh. And? >i. Political Parties > Mike: The best ones are the ones thrown by Ted Kennedy. Or Gary Hart. Tom: And that Strom Thurmond, boy, he's a real wild man! >Japan has several political parties. Tom: And you're not invited to any of them! Crow: Heh. Just like the authors in high... [Once again, the sound of *SPROING* can be heard as Crow is pitched into the air. Moments later, *SPLAT* can be heard as Crow collides with the wall.] Mike: You'd think he'd learn from past experience. Tom: You know what they say: "Those who forget the past are Crow." > The best known is the >right-of-center Liberal Democratic Party, which--except for a >couple of breaks--has governed since 1955. Tom: When it took over from the "Please Please Please Honorable General MacArthur-san Do Not Make Us Dance For Your Amusement" party. [Crow crawls back into his seat.] Crow: [mumbling] I outta be getting frequent flier miles for that... > Others include the >Socialist, Democratic Socialist, Mike: Socialist Democrat... Tom: Liberal Socialist... Socialist Lesbian Green-Party Unionist... Crow: Aw, hell, just send us your money, folks. We'll explain who's in power later. > Communist, Tom: So basically, the Trilateral Commission runs Japan. Mike: Seems that way. > and the Komeito, or >Clean Government, which gets its backing from the Soka Gakki sect >of Buddhism. Mike: And don't forget the Silly Party, the Slightly Silly Party, and the Norwegian Party. > To put the parties in the traditional left-to-right >political spectrum, they would run thus: Communist, Socialist, >Democratic Socialist, Liberal Democratic, and Komieto. More >recently, a group of break-away LDP members have formed the >Democratic Party, Tom: Almost immediately, Al Gore showed up, campaigning. > which posed a serious challenge in the recent >elections for the House of Councillors. > Crow: [sighing] My apathy has become so palpable I'm gonna adopt it as a pet. Mike: [chuckling] Really? What's your apathy's name? Crow: [after a pause] Carlos. >One surprising thing about the LDP is that it is composed of >various factions, Mike: And once again, Pete cuts right to the heart of the matter. > usually built around a leader or around a stand >on various areas of controversy. Tom: So, it's made of "parts", is what you're saying. > However, despite that, the LDP >as a whole functions rather well, and is a cross between the >weak, decentralized party system of the United States and the >strong, centralized, disciplined parties of Great Britain and >Europe. Tom: Apparently, *nothing* exists in Japan that wasn't created and brought over from the US and/or Europe. Mike: The Samurai? The French came up with them. > The other parties, however, are more centralized and >disciplined (especially the Communists and Komieto). > Mike: So the choice is between the buttoned-down anal retentive LDP... and their buttoned-downed anal retentive opponents. Tom: [Pink Floyd] o/~ Welcome my son! Welcome... to Japan! o/~ >Recently, the LDP has suffered some major setbacks. Crow: One of their leaders was caught having *fun*! Mike: Resigned in disgrace, the poor bastard. > In the most >recent elections for the House of Councillors in 1995 and 1998, >it lost control of that house. Tom: They let their mother-in-law move in! > Some experts (though they've been >long been saying this for years) are saying that it is only a >matter of time before the LDP loses its majority in the House of >Representatives as well. Crow: Are these the same experts who say Andy Kaufman was a genius? If so, I've a got a bone or two to pick with them. > Some, of course, dismiss that notion, >but then again, no one thought the Democrats were going to lose >control of Congress in 1994, either. Mike: I hope you enjoyed this vague disagreement about political strategy! Crow: For a transcript, sit at your typewriter and type "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" a hundred billion times. Tom: Let's get out of here. [Tom and the rest exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [As the doors open as the bridge, tinny, Civil-War era music can be heard. A still image of Mike writing a letter appears, lit in septia tones. As Cambot slowly pans across the image, Mike's voice can be heard in a voice over.] Mike: [V.O.] Dearest Mother, our ordeal continues unabated. We are now entering the fiftieth hour of the story with no end in sight. Oh, how my heart yearns to be back in the sunlit pastures of my native Wisconsin, but I fear that my nefarious captors will ne'er release me from my imprisonment. My thoughts are with you constantly. Your dearest son, Michael [The image of Mike is replaced by a shot of Tom, also writing a letter. The music shifts into a version of "Dixie."] Tom: [V.O.] Mister President, I must sincerely protest recent actions taken in our fair nation. Quite recently, I was at my local eatery partaking of my normal midday meal, when I was aghast to discover that my buffoon of a waiter had served me a serving of chicken and noodles instead of the chicken and stars soup that I clearly ordered. After I brought this matter to the waiter's attention, he attempted to explain his mistake by claiming that the eatery did not serve that particular concoction. Mr. President, I must implore that you defend the honor of this nation and level this pale imitation of a restaurant. Your humble servant, Thomas Servo, Esquire [The image of Tom disappears as a similar shot of Crow is shown. "Dixie" is replaced by what sounds like "Mmm-Bop" performed by a banjo.] Crow: [V.O.] Dearest Brittany, I'm truly sorry for my recent actions towards you. I didn't mean to trouble you in any way shape or form. You know me. Every once in a while, I just go off the deep end on something. But our relationship was never like that. Ours was a deep, pure, spiritual kind of love that poets write sonnets about but never fully understand. OH BRITTANY! COME BACK TO ME! I CAN CHANGE! I SWEAR! JUST RETURN TO ME, OH SWEET!! I... [Crow's voice over ends abruptly as the sounds of a scuffle can be heard off screen. Crow's picture is quickly replaced by another shot of Mike. The music shifts back to "Old Man River."] Mike: [V.O.] Dearest mother, once again, one of our sketches has gone horribly awry. It seems that my robotic companions have completely missed the point of the interlude and have instead gone on tangents, as they are wont to do. I warned... [An image of Gypsy replaces that of Mike. The music shifts to "popcorn" in all of its early 80s glory.] Gypsy: [V.O.] Dear Ted Jones, President of the Society For Neuroscience, Chief Editor, Journal of Neuroscience: Hey! Doofus! When will you and your cronies get off of the antiquated notion of quantal synaptic release? I suppose it's too much for your "journal" to look past it nose and take a gander at Schlatingly's work on the qualia of consciousness, would it? But, no you and your ignorant pufferfish that you laughingly call a staff continue to devote your time only to the McCullogh-Pitts integrate-and-fire model. Will you please take the kids back to their elementary school and let the real scientists do their work? [Gyp's picture is replaced with another shot of Tom. "Freebird", on banjo, accompanies him.] Tom: [V.O.] Mr. President, once again I must bring a matter to your attention. Earlier this evening, I entered a convenience store local to me. Upon entering, I purchased a twenty ounce bottle of Mr. Pibb as well as a bag of Funions. The total of my purchase came to $2.16 and I handed the attendant $3.00. Yet I received only 74 cents in change! I demand restitution and I will not rest until the entire city of Lexington is razed and the earth salted so that no store shall ever again be raised there! Your humble servant, Thomas Servo, Esquire [Gypsy again.] Gypsy: [V.O.] ...and furthermore, deClasier gives a clear account of the facade of quantal synaptic release as the result of misanalysis of data which actually points towards a molecular link between the mind and the brain ! But I suspect you and those under-educated frat boys on your staff were too busy ogling the contestants over at the Ms. Neuroscience contest to actually read deClasier's study! When will you ever quit your ridiculous materialism and adopt a realistic dualistic stance that might allow you to drop your blinders on quantal synaptic release? Pinheads. [Back to Crow. A banjo version of "Nookie" plays.] Crow: [V.O., weeping] BRITTANY! COME BACK TO ME! BRIT... Hey. I wonder what Debbie's doing these days? Hmm. Maybe I better give her a call... Mike: [V.O.] ALLRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH! [The image of Crow vanishes and the view of the Bridge is once again live. Mike stands before Crow and Tom, gesticulating wildly.] Mike: What is it with you two? I try to do a nice, simple Ken Burton pastiche and you two just go off onto your own little fantasy worlds! Crow: Come on, Mike! Tom: Yeah, Gypsy ignored your little sketch too and you're not yelling at her! Mike: That's because I have no idea what Gypsy was saying! I mean, she might have been on topic! [The misery sign begins to flash wildly.] Mike: Oh, we'll finish this later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!! [Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and sits.] Crow: So, what are we going to do with that grant PBS sent us to fund that last segment? Mike: I huess we'll have to send it back to the Chubb group. >***************************************************************** >******************** >3. Religious Practices > Tom: Pope Dylan McDermott and Sister Mary Camryn Mannheim star in David Kelly's, "The Religious Practice". >Japan today has three religions of note: Crow: Original, Teriyaki, and new Honey Mustard! > 1) Shinto, the >indigenous religion; Mike: They have the all-important "home god" advantage. > 2) Buddhism, which was imported from China Mike: Get your Buddhism, straight from China, in mint condition! >and Korea; Tom: [weakly] Where religion is good for the *Seoul*! Heh! Which sounds like *soul*! Which... Mike: [touching Tom] OK. Tommy, I know it's been a long day, but this has gotta stop. Crow: [threatening] Right now! Tom: [weepy] I'm sorry, guys. I never wanted to be this way. Mike: It's OK. It's just the story, Tom. Crow: Yeah. Plus you were probably made wrong and can never be fixed. Mike: Crow! Crow: What? > and 3) a small but considerable Christian minority. > Crow: Guess who runs the school boards, kids! >a. Shinto > Mike: What are two parts of the body beneath the knee? Tom: Correct! Mike: "Things More Interesting Than This Appendix" for $300. >Shinto is the Chinese word for what the Japanese call "Kami no >Michi"; Crow: A religion based on the belief that Don Ameche doesn't exist! > both terms mean "the way of the gods". Tom: Alternate translation: "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." > Shinto is the >oldest of the three religions in Japan and the only one that >developed in Japan itself. > Mike: Explanation? The other gods are LAZY and INDOLENT! All: [Japanese] SHA-A-AME! >In describing Shinto, there are several areas that have to be >looked at: [All grumble and sigh.] Mike: I wonder if there's a religion with a deity in charge of writing long, repetitive lists? Crow: If there is, I know who the high priest is. > 1) its pantheon, or group of gods; 2) the role of >the priests; 3) places of worship; 4) moral code and sacred >texts; 5) development; and 6) Shinto today. > Mike: With Matt Lauer, and Katie Couric! >At eight million "kami" (gods) and "megami" (goddesses), Shinto >has the most complex pantheon of any major world religion. Tom: Yeah? Try figuring why both Hercules *and* Thor are in the Avengers! Crow: Or why Captain Marvel has powers from two pantheons *and* a Biblical king! Mike: Guys, comic books are not a reli- on second thought, never mind. > The >best known to Americans is Amaterasu-Omikami, the Great Heaven >Shining Deity who serves as the Sun Goddess. Mike: And moonlights as a bounty hunter! > However, she does >not hold the place of being the head of the Shinto pantheon as >Zeus did to the Greeks or Odin to the Vikings, Crow: Or McGwire to the Cardinals. > despite the fact >that she figures prominently due to Jimmu Tenno--the legendary >first Emperor of Japan--claiming her as an ancestor. Tom: Actually it turned out he wasn't related to *the* Amaterasu-Omikami - just *an* Amaterasu-Omikami. > In fact, >when one looks at Shinto, it's hard to tell what god or what >priest or whoever at all is in charge. Mike: It's a metaphysical version of the United Nations! > If ever there was a >religion so decentralized, Shinto is it. > Mike: Hey, how's Carlos doin' there, Crow? Crow: Oh, growing by the hour, Mike. I think we need to move to a bigger theater. Mike: Well, you know that's not my call, Crow. Crow: Yeah, sure, but I hate seein' the poor thing cooped up like this. >Much of that decentralization and complexity was due to the >attempts by Buddhist monks and Shinto priests alike to equate >their gods with the other religion's pantheon, Tom: [stern proctor] MISTER Lama?! I certainly I hope that's not your neighbor's mythos you're copying? > not unlike what >the Romans did when they appropriated the Greek pantheon for >themselves (i.e. Zeus becomes Jupiter, Hera becomes Juno, etc.). > Crow: Not unlike what Hannah-Barbera did to "The Honeymooners"? >Other gods besides Amaterasu-Omikami include her brother, Susano, Tom: o/~ Oh, Susano, oh don't you cry for me, for I came from Amaterasu-Omikami with a banjo on my knee! o/~ >God of the Wind and of Yomi, the World of the Dead All: o/~ Truckin'! o/~ > (unlike >Buddhism and Christianity, and much like the ancient Greeks, >Shinto holds that all who die--good, bad or indifferent--go to >Yomi; there's nothing like Heaven or Hell in Shinto); Mike: But if you're evil, you get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity. Tom: The afterlife as a big ol' bus station! > Kannon, Crow: As played by William Conrad. > the >Goddess of Mercy (who figures in the anime "Doomed Megalopolis"), >Benton, Mike: The god of Robert Guillaume? Tom: No. Mike: The goddess of multi-cultural clothing store ads? Crow: Nuh-uh. Mike: The god of boinking interns? Bots: No! > the Goddess of Luck and Womanly Arts (she figures >prominently in Rumiko Takahashi's classic TV anime series "Urusei >Yatsura") and Uzume, the Dread Queen of Heaven. Crow: But, in fact, there have been several Dread Queens. Wesley was one, and so was Inigo Montoya... Tom: Yomi Yomi Yomi, I've got death in my tummy! Ha! [Mike and Crow turn to Tom, who cringes.] Crow: You'll have it a lot of other places if you don't quit it! Tom: Sorry. > There are also >the original gods, Izamagi and Izanami, who created Japan by >stirring up mud from the ocean floor with their spear. Mike: What, were they digging for clams? What? Crow: You know, there's nothing more dangerous than a bored god. Tom: Japan! The land where it's all right to track that mud in from outside! > The other >gods and goddesses as well as the Japanese are supposed to be >descended from them, or so the legend goes. > Tom: And on the first day, god created Viagra. >It is easy to tell Shinto priests from Buddhist monks and >priests. Mike: The Shinto priests have the chromed Harleys, while the Buddhists drive the sportier Yamaha stuff. > Shinto priests usually wear a white robe and a hakama, >which are loose-fitting trousers. Hakama can be blue, red or >even white. Crow: It's a very patriotic heathen religion. > Special robes and headdresses are worn for special >occasions. Mike: Sounds like Shinto is a kicky, fashionable religion. Tom: Sounds like those idiot cheeseheads in Green Bay. Mike: Hey! > Unlike other religions, women have very much an >equal role in Shinto as the men. Mike: [priest] Cleaning the toilets is just as important as being a conduit for the voice of our ancestors, honey! > In fact, Shinto priestesses are >called "miko". Tom: They construct 12" dolls of famous 1970s superheroes. > Miko usually are called to cast out evil demons >and interpret the will of the gods. Perhaps the best known miko >to American fans of anime is Hino Rei (or Raye Hino), miko of >Sendai Hill Shrine (or Cherry Hill Temple) Tom: "Cherry Hill"? That a place of worship or a day care center? Mike: Possibly both. > in Naoko Takeuchi's >hit series "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon". Mike: Oh, sure, *everyone* knows her! > Others include Sakura >from "Urusei Yatsura", Keiko Tom: O'Brien? > from "Doomed Megalopolis" Crow: Matthew from "News Radio"... > and Ayaka >Kisaragi of "Phantom Quest Corporation". Crow: The Real Adventures of Phantom Quest! > When exorcising demons, Mike: Make sure they stretch properly to prevent injury! >they usually throw a scroll with the Japanese phrase "Akuryo >taisan," which means, "Begone, demon!" Tom: The demons always get good laugh out of that, and with the ice broken, the real exorcism can begin! > and usually shout that >phrase out as well (DIC really dropped the ball on that score Tom: And boy, *that* was totally unexpected, huh? >when they dubbed "Sailor Moon" into English; Sailor Mars winds up >saying "I call forth the power of Mars" when she throws the >scroll). Mike: The views and opinions of this author do not reflect those of Japan, Naoko Takeuchi, DIC, the Internet community at large, or practically any one breathing. > Miko, in other words, were for centuries the original >"Ghostbusters," Tom: Yeah, sure they were, Peter. Crow: Everything came from Japan. Georgia peaches, Canadian bacon... > without benefit of proton packs or snotty >Brooklynese-sounding secretaries. > Tom: Granted, but can a little scroll initiate and sustain a runaway nuclear reaction? Mike: Sounds like someone didn't start their day with a complete breakfast, featuring Kellogg's Sugar- Frosted Sense of Proportion! Crow: Methinks someone has Annie Potts issues to work through. >Shinto places of worship are called shrines. Tom: The priests all wear fezzes and driving little funny cars! > They are >distinguished by their "torii" or gateways that stand in front of >them. Crow: Oh, no, it's "Stargate SG"! All: [panicked] RUUUUN! > Sendai Hill Shrine in "Sailor Moon" is such a Shinto >shrine (once again DIC muffed it up by calling it Cherry Hill >Temple; Tom: Plus they thought Rei worked for Pizza Hut. Mike: They messed up by calling it by its name?! What the - ?! Crow: It's an anime fan, Mike. It's better when they don't make sense. > temples are Buddhist places of worship). Among the more >famous are Meiji Shrine in Tokyo (dedicated to the Meiji >Emperor); Yasukuni Shrine, also in Tokyo (which serves roughly as >their Arlington Cemetery/Tomb of the Unknown Soldier); Crow: Except instead of an Eternal Flame, they have a robotic garden gnome with an incessant creepy laugh. Mike: Because Japan *must* have an equivalent for everything in the United States. > the shrine >to Amaterasu-Omikami in Ine; and Itsukushima Shrine on Miyajima >in the Inland Sea, considered one of the "Three Famous Landscapes >of Japan" due to the torii being right out in the sea. > Crow: Maybe they should start taking erosion into account when they build these shrines. Tom: Mike? If I said Imelda Marcos had a shoe shrine, would I get in trouble? Mike: [nodding] Oh yeah. So fast your head would spin. >Shinto is unique among the world's major religions in that it has >no moral code or sacred texts as such. Mike: It's a laid-back, do your own thing, kind of religion. > There is nothing in >Shinto equivalent to the Ten Commandments or the Golden Rule; Crow: And the fatted calf is a woodchuck with a gland problem. > its >only concerns are about purity of body and mind (which is why >Japanese love bathing) Tom: It's not because they can feel the germs eating away at their very flesh. No, it's not that at all. > and an abhorrence of death (Yomi, the >World of the Dead, is thought to be a place of corruption and >decay). Mike: So, everyone's going to Yomi, and it stinks. Well! I think we've gained some valuable insight into the Nippo-psyche here, guys. I'm glad we stayed. [The bots stare at him.] Mike: It's sarcasm, guys. Crow: Didn't sound like it to me, Mike. Mike: Really? Hm. > Thus almost all funerals in Japan are Buddhist rites, >since Buddhism at least has some sense of Heaven and Hell. Tom: Shinto refuses to stop and ask for directions. > That >is also why morality in Japan is not based on religion as much as >it is on human relations, which was taken from Confucianism. As >for sacred texts, the closest are the "Nihongi" and the "Kojiki", >both written in AD 8th Century. Mike: More recently, Shintoism has adopted "Yertle the Turtle" as yet another sacred text. > Both contain myths and legends >about the Shinto pantheon and some early history of Japan; Tom: And a kick-ass recipe for almond biscotti! >however, since different versions of the myths circulated at the >time, the scribes wrote all the versions down. > Mike: And lo, the first anal retentive list-makers were born. Crow: Eh, it's gods' illusions I recall. I really don't know gods at all. Not really a "god person", I guess. Tom: Great - in order to straighten it all out, they'll have to have a "Crisis on Infinite Shintos". >Shinto had a gradual development over the centuries. Tom: Shinto started as a local deejay on a small 400-watt radio station in Fresno, California. > As stated, >the myths were only written down in AD 8th Century. The arrival >of Buddhism complicated matters somewhat; for the first and >perhaps only time in human history, a nation allowed two >religions to coexist peacefully. [All stare at the screen, dumbfounded.] Mike: Well! All my guilt about American cultural imperialism was just washed clean. Crow: So I guess the Mayflower was headed for Japan, but hired Wrong-Way Corrigan's great grandfather as navigator. > In fact, Shinto priests and >Buddhist monks worked out ways in describing their pantheons in >terms of the other religion's gods. Tom: [Shintoist] I was thinking sort of like Zeus in a baseball cap and glasses. Crow: [Buddhist] Nah, more like Odin as played by Weird Al Yankovic. > Matters, however, took a >drastic turn in the Meiji Restoration, when the genro declared >Shinto the established religion in imitation of the European >powers. Mike: Where Shinto was wowing the masses! Selling out theaters and schmoozing the press! > This stage of "State Shinto," however, was more >patriotic and militaristic in bent than religious, Crow: [sergeant] This is my savior, this is my gun! Mike & Tom: [repeat] This is my savior, this is my gun! Crow: One is for worship, the other for fun! Mike & Tom: One is for worship, the other for fun! > and when the >religion was disestablished at the insistence of American >occupation forces, it returned to its peaceful ways. During this >time, the divine origin of the Emperor was especially stressed, Mike: It was a first-time parent with a colicky infant. >though Hirohito denounced all divine claims in 1946, once again >at the insistence of the Americans. > Crow: The Americans insisted that Robert Mitchum was the only true descendant of the sun god. >Today Shinto is still practiced, Tom: And someday, they'll get it right! > but it has become more >peripheral in Japanese life, though there are still throngs of >faithful followers and the most popular shrines still get many >visitors. Crow: Though the Shrine of the Backstreet Boys is a little too commercial for me, frankly. > Since it was disestablished as the state religion, >Shinto has splintered into thirteen sects; Tom: Ah, The Joy of S-! Mike: [touching Tom] Tommy, I should advise you here that if you say "Sects", I'll be forced to disassemble you. Tom: [after a pause] ...Splintering. Mike: Thank you. > the most important >among them is Tenriko, based in Tenri City in Nara-ken; healing >by faith plays a central role in that sect. Crow: The reverend lays hands on you, then scolds you if you don't get better. > Many Japanese still >observe some important days in Shinto, especially the ritual of >taking children to the local shrine at three, five and seven >years of age. Mike: The temples make good money as catering halls for kids' parties. Crow: [clown] Whoa-ho, kids! It's Shinto the clown, and his car full of eight million clown gods! > People still buy good luck charms for all >occasions: Tom: Don't you have a couple of good luck charms, Nelson? Mike: Yeah, for all the good they did me. Crow: Why, what happened? Mike: Well, the guy I got 'em from was a little confused, so he sold me a horse's foot and a four-shoed St. Christopher. > to do well in school; for a safe journey; Tom: For a Wasserman test... For a bris... > for safe >driving (like Miyuki did in Part 3 of "You're Under Arrest!"); Tom: And didn't we all laugh when she got tossed in the slammer not twenty minutes later for failing to signal a right hand turn? >etc. Frankly, most Japanese, though registered as belonging to >one faith or another, profess to not following any at all. Mike: Oh, they've been reading this story, too! > This >is not to say that they're either agnostic or atheist; they just >do not feel that it plays a significant role in their lives. Crow: But isn't that what agnostic *means*? Tom: None of this means anything, Crow. It's a text version of white noise! > To >them religion is not an opiate of the people Mike: But an opiate of the privileged few! > or a crutch much as >it is time-honored traditions that they dutifully carry on like >the day's business and then pass on to their children like a >cherished family heirloom. > Mike: Religion by rote. Crow: [whiny] But I wanted grandma's Wedgwood china! >b. Buddhism > >If Shinto has suffered some setbacks in the 20th Century, Tom: They were its own damn fault! >Buddhism has continued to flourish. Imported from China and >Korea, the major sects of Buddhism in Japan include Zen, Shingon, >Soka Gakki, Mike: Sandalwood... English Garden... Rainforest Mist... > Trantric, [Crow and Tom begin to speak.] Mike: Do a Sting riff and I feed you two to a llama. [The bots shut their mouths.] Crow: [to Tom] Feed us to a llama? Tom: [to Crow] It sounds painful. Let's not call him on this one. > Pure Land, True Land and Nichiren. Crow: And Debbie. > In >Buddhism--an offshoot of India's Hinduism--it was held that one >could achieve Nirvana by overcoming human desires that enslave >humans to the cycle of reincarnation and karma. Mike: As it turned out, all you needed to attain Nirvana was a MasterCard and access to a Sam Goody's. Tom: So Nevermind. > Of course the >most famous aspect of Buddhism to Americans is Zen meditation, >where Buddhist monks sit in lotus positions and chant. Crow: And whenever someone says "transcendental", you chug a beer. > Buddhist >places or worship are called temples, and there are monasteries >as well. The most famous Buddhist festival in Japan is Bon, Tom: Bah-dah-de-DAAAAAAAAH-de-da-daah! >where the faithful launch miniature lighted boats into the water >in memory of departed souls. > Crow: And their hearts will go on. Mike: OK, but don't the butcher and the baker get some room to put in their wares too? >c. Christianity > Mike: Oh, we're going to get hate mail for this section, I just know it. Crow: Come on, Mike. We haven't said anything yet. Tom: Yeah. Don't crucify us like that. [snicker] Mike: Maybe I can join the Riffer Relocation Program... >Surprisingly, about 2% of Japanese are Christians. Crow: There used to be more, but the lions ate the other 8%. > Christianity >was brought over by St. Francis Xavier in 1549. Tom: Along with body shame, a high-fat diet, and VD. > About 500,000 >were converted before the Tokugawa shogunate stamped out the >faith in 1638. Mike: [Torquemada] No one suspects the Nippon Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and ninjas- our two weapons! > After the Meiji Restoration, Christianity was at >least tolerated again, Crow: As tolerated as a leper in a salad bar without sneeze guards. > and the 1947 Constitution granted complete >religious freedom Tom: In response to a 90-foot tall Martin Luther hammering a gigantic copy of his 95 Theses onto Tokyo Tower. > (which is not a stretch considering that Shinto >and Buddhism coexisted without conflict for centuries). Crow: Although in fairness, they did run in different crowds. Mike: Never got invited to the same parties, really. No conflict opportunities. > The >Japanese Christian community is evenly split between Catholic and >Protestant. Crow: So they're Episcopalians then? > As for the Catholics, it has been noted that Empress >Michiko is herself a Catholic, Mike: No fact will go unrepeated! Crow: No presumption of attention span will be made! Tom: No fact will go unrepeated! > and one of the most beautiful >Catholic cathedrals in Asia stands in Nagasaki (it survived the >atomic bombing of 1945). Crow: They built a cathedral underground? Mike: No, it just withstood the blast, Crow. Crow: But not the radiation. Tom: Well, the stained glass was said to have this heavenly glow about it afterwards. > As for Protestants, 40% of them belong >to the United Church of Christ in Japan; Crow: No presumption of attention span will be made! Just because the appendix is about Japan does NOT mean that's where the church is! > although this was a >creation of the 1930's military regime, it had its roots back to >a "No Church" movement started by Chimura Kanzo, who thought that >sectarianism was repugnant. Mike: [Kanzo] From now on I'll type my OWN memos! > The second biggest group of Prote >stants Crow: Are we going to comment on that? Tom: Nope. Mike: We're in triple overtime here, Crow. We're not calling the minor fouls anymore. > belong to the Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod. Crow: AKA, "The Dull Ones". > There is a >far-wider acceptance of Christianity in Japan today than ever >before; Christmas has even become a "semi-official" holiday >there, though admittedly some of the meaning is lost in the >translation, Mike: Unlike the purely Christian Christmas celebrated in the US. > and New Year's Day is the big family holiday for >that time of the year there. Tom: [pa] OK! Who wants to carve the Easter bunny? Mike & Crow: [kids] Me me me! >***************************************************************** >******************** >4. Education > Crow: Mike, at the first mention of the word "shorts", kill me. Mike: No. Forget it. Crow: I'd kill *you*. Mike: No! Just deal with it. >Japan has been the envy of the world for its educational system. Mike: But one day, America will develop its own cram school - then look out! >One of the reasons for Japan's sudden success (especially after >World War II) has been that is has among the most highly educated >people in the world. > Crow: At least, that's what the Freemasons would like for us to believe... >When the educational system was reformed after the war, it was >molded after the American system. Mike: So that's nine years of remedial classes, then drop out your sophomore year. > There are six years of >elementary school; three of junior high; three of high school and >four of university. Tom: And a lifetime of ennui and regret. > Education to the ninth grade is free and >compulsory, though most do go to high school and a considerable >number go to college. Crow: Though it's more for the fraternity hazing experience than the degree. > The educational system is a mixture of >public, private and parochial institutions as in the United >States. > Mike: A mix of football, basketball, and real schools. >Overseeing the entire educational system is the Education >Ministry, which has broad powers to approve textbooks Tom: [ministry, reviewing book] Hmm... the text's a little light on Monster Mutation Theory. > (the >ministry has taken some heat in this regard as to how Japan's >involvement in World War II is portrayed), Tom: There we were, just minding our own business, when *WHAM*! The Americans at Pearl Harbor viciously defended themselves! > appropriate money, and >set curriculum. There are local Boards of Education, but these >are appointed by local mayors and prefectural governors and >usually take their cues from the national ministry. > Mike: [ministry] Mayor, if you want to play pool, get your own damn cue! >As for universities, the most famous is Tokyo University, the >first of the "national universities". Tom: Where you'll earn "degrees". Mike: And earn a "good living". Crow: You'll be so "happy", you'll want to "cry". > Other national >universities are Kyoto, Tohoku, Kyushu and Hokkaido. Mike: Oh, come on. Kyushu doesn't count. It's just a big party school. Crow: Yeah, never trust a college with a vowel-to-consonant ratio below 40%. > Below these >are the private universities, the most famous being Keio and >Waseda, Tom: Don't they serve that with sushi? Mike: "Wasabi", Tom. > and junior colleges, or as the Japanese call them "short- >term universities". > Crow: Here in America we call them "the high school after high school". >Japanese education is rather strenuous; teaching is committed to >memory and is by rote, Mike: Teachers stay up all night memorizing chants for the wildcat strike. Tom: "Work action", Mike. Ask Mr. Shanker. > especially in learning the Japanese >written language. Many students go to a special "juku" or cram >school Bots: AUGH! [They dive beneath their seats.] > so they can prepare for the important examinations for >high school and university; Mike: [peering beneath the seats] Guys? Crow: [poking back up] Sorry Mike. The words "cram school" kick up a lot of bad memories. Tom: [same] Ergh! Krankor! Neptune Men! Japan! [shudders] > in "Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon", >Mizuno Ami goes to a "juku" (DIC flubbed it up when it introduced >Amy; Mike: [sighing] Oh, Peter. Have you never heard the expression, "Let he who is without sin cast the first..." [A rock is suddenly thrown from stage left and hits Mike squarely in the back of the head.] Mike: [grabs his head] OW! JEEZ! What the- Tom: Whoops! Sorry Mike. Our new rock-casting machine. Mike: What?! Crow: Yeah, see, machines have no sin, so now we can cast the first stone guilt-free, in the comfort of our own theater seats! Mike: We are going to have *such* a talk later... > she says that she goes to a special computer school, but the >monster that attacks her school calls it a cram school). Tom: Ami should shoulder some of the blame for not correcting the monster in a timely fashion. > The >strenuous time leading to the exams is called "examination Hell" Crow: You said before the Japanese don't *believe* in hell! Mike: Well, in all fairness, "examination Yomi" sounds kinda goofy. >and rather overbearing mothers who oversee all aspects of their >children's education are called "education mothers" Crow: Jeez, you can't win for losing in this country! Tom: You are a watchful and responsible parent! SHA-A-AME! > (Usagi's >mother in "Sailor Moon" is such a "education mother"; she often >scolds her for her lazy study habits). > Mike: Heck, scolding Usagi's the only fun anyone gets in that backwater burg! Tom: Whole coffeehouses are dedicated to it! Crow: It's cheap, easy, and it doesn't hurt the ozone layer! >Perhaps the most well-known aspect of Japanese education as far >as American fans of anime is concerned is that most students wear >uniforms. Tom: Let us now pay tribute to these sharp-eyed fans. All: [giving the raspberry] PPPPPBT! > The generic term for that is "seifuku". Crow: They wear seifuku in the juku? Tom: With a tutu? Mike: Ain't it coo-coo? > Elementary >schoolchildren often wear sweaters with the school crest >embalzoned on them and either knickers or knee-length pants for >boys or knee-length skirts for girls; Crow: [sighing] He's going to spend three paragraphs on uniforms for every one he spends on the school system, isn't he? Mike: Signs point to "yes". > also, they often wear white >hats going to and from school (so they can be seen easier in >traffic). Tom: Jim Henson's Tom Mix Babies! > In junior high school (and in some high schools), the >boys wear what looks like a Chinese aristocrat's outfit: a navy >blue suit with big brass buttons and a high collar. Mike: So, Chinese aristocrats dressed like insurance salesmen? Crow: Well, philosophy is a kind of mental insurance... > As for the >girls, Tom: Welcome to the Pit of Eternal Despair. Please check the empty husk of your soul at the door. > the most well-known outfit is the "seirafuku" or sailor >suit. Crow: Which I still say has some sick "Popeye" angle we're not getting. Tom: Popeye the Sailor Moon? Mike: [warningly] Tom... Tom: Sorry. Couldn't help it. > This is actually adapted from the uniforms worn by >enlisted sailors in the Imperial Japanese Navy in the late 19th >Century and early 20th Century, Tom: And no one thinks making high school girls dress like sailors is just the teensiest bit on the creepy side? > and itself was based on those >worn by sailors in the British Royal Navy, which lent technical >assistance to Japan at that time. Crow: And not borrowed from the Village People, as previously suspected. Tom: So, any insight into why Japan would make innocent young schoolgirls dress like the violent hedonists that comprised your 19th Century navies? Mike: Hmmmmmm - nope. > The seirafuku is a sailor >blouse with the sailor collar, a scarf Crow: [correcting] A *sailor* scarf! > and usually a blue pleated >skirt Tom: [correcting] A *sailor* usually blue-pleated skirt! > (though the actual colors will vary with the school); Mike: [bored] Sailor colors, sailor school, blah blah blah... >further, as in naval tradition, Tom: Slothful students are whipped with a cat'o'nine tails. > there is a blue outfit for winter >and a white outfit for summer. Crow: [brightly] Today's navy means FASHION! > Among the more famous seirafuku- >clad heroines in anime include Tom: Ah, we're returning to the lists. It's like swallows coming back to Capistrano. Mike: Is it? Tom: Well... ugly, boring swallows, that make you want to stick a fork in your throat. > A-ko Magami from "Project A-ko"; Crow: Y-not Go-lick-me from "Project Save-crow"... >all of the Sailor Senshi from "Sailor Moon" Tom: All ninety-eight of them? Mike: They can supply their own school district! > (theirs are a bit >modified; they're sleeveless shirts, miniskirts and either go-go >boots a/la/Nancy Sinatra or high heeled shoes); Mike: Now see, that's *much* more practical for fighting evil by moonlight. Crow: Miniskirts and go-go boots? Well, anything to encourage a professional learning atmosphere! > All-Purpose >Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku; Mike: Hey, a superhero as randomly named as today's story! Tom: o/~ I did it all for the Nuku! For the Nu-o/~ Mike: Stop. > the Legendary Magic Knights of >"Magic Knight Rayearth"; Mike: The Fabulous Fentoozler of "Rebok Caca-Poopoo" > and Lum from "Urusei Yatsura". Tom: Lum?! That's it?! Lum? Crow: Nah, it's probably "Mystical High-Power Go Team Lumificent". Mike: Yeah, you're right. Typo on Pete's part. We forgive him. > There's >actually been an industry built around magazines and pin-up >photos of seirafuku-clad schoolgirls in Japan (though some of it >goes over the line into pornography). Crow: [badly acted] Oh, no. Say, it isn't so. Tom: [same] I expected, so much more. From Japan. > In high school, three- >piece business suits are worn by both boys and girls (blazer, >vest, collared shirt, tie, and pants or skirt). Tom: Oddly, there's no industry of magazines and pin-up photos of business suit-clad schoolboys. Mike: Why are we having a three-piece suit described to us? Is some Bantu tribesman going to hit the net and read this story and not know what a suit is?? > Uniforms used to >be mandated at universities, but now they're not. Mike: So there. Nyah. Crow: To recap: In Japan, "Education" means wearing stuff, and anime costumes. Tom: Lum?! >***************************************************************** >******************** >5. Business Tom: Business? Hey, so can we deduct the cost of reading this chapter? Mike: You can't put a mental cost on your 1040. Unless it's a medical expense. So... yeah. Probably. > >One of the amazing aspects of Japan was Mike: How quickly it could rebuild Tokyo after repeated rubber monster attacks. > its ability to rapidly >convert from a medieval economy to a modern capitalist economy in >the space of about a century and a half. Crow: It all happened in the blink of a very slowly closing eyelid! > Today Japan has one of >the most modern and internationally competitive economic climates >in the world. > Tom: Though scattered showers are in the forecast for Thursday. Mike: [discomforted, looking at his feet] Ow! Crow, your apathy's chewing my pants leg! Crow: Down, Carlos! Bad apathy! Sit! >The floodgates for such change were opened during the Meiji >Restoration. Crow: One of the Dutch kids got stuck in the dam, but he drowned pretty quickly. > Some of the companies well known on both sides of >the Pacific got their start then like Mitsubishi and Matsushita, >though some like Mitsui and Kikkoman (the soy sauce maker) Tom: As opposed to Kikkoman, the world-famous cowboy philosopher? > had >their roots back to Tokugawa times, others like Toyota were >founded in the early 20th Century and some like Sony were founded >after World War II (the founders began by scrounging bombed out >areas of Tokyo to salvage radio parts!). Tom: That explains my VCR. Mike: The new Shrapnel 5000! War never sounded so good! > Some of these companies >were actually founded by old samurai families. > Tom: [Don Pardo] And now for another thrilling episode of Samurai Businessman! >From the Meiji Restoration to the end of World War II, the >companies that dominated were called "zaibatsu". Mike: The Zik-Zak Corporation does not tolerate failure, Mr. Grossberg. Crow: Still, it sounds much better than "Lum". Tom: Lum? > These zaibatsu Crow: Actually, that sounds like a Pokemon. >usually centered around a bank and had heavy industries, >aerospace, chemicals, and other companies built around them. Tom: Heh-heh. Hey guys, look! [Sonny] o/~ Babe! Zaibatsu, babe! o/~ You get it? o/~ Zaibatsu babe! o/~ [Mike and Crow glare at him.] Crow: I'll sic my apathy on you, pal. Tom: Sorry. >They were not constructed haphazardly like American >conglomerates, Crow: Like Chef Boy-ar-DuPont, or Coca-Chrysler. > nor did most act like monopolies; often even two >divisions of the same zaibatsu found themselves in competition >with each other as well as other companies; Tom: Part of the company's competing against the other, but it's NOT haphazard! Mike: This incompetence was carefully planned! > though, especially >during the war, cartels often were formed. > Crow: Which the evil J.R. Ewing-san manipulated for his own dastardly ends! >After the war, these zaibatsu were broken up at American >insistence. Mike: If there's going to be any poorly-managed multinational conglomerates around here, *we'll* be running them! > However, many of these companies still have their >old names, even if they're not part of the company anymore (i.e. >Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, Mitsubishi Bank). Crow: Mitsubishi Corn Flakes, Mitsubishi Tool & Dye, Mitsubishi Internet Services, Mitsubishi Breath Mints... > Often, in Japan, >the brand name used in the United States is as well known as the >Japanese brand, though some changes are made; Mike: For example, the singing cartoon fishhead logos are removed from the packaging. > in Japan, >Matsushita's principal electronics company, Panasonic, is >actually known as National, while the famed Bridgestone tires is >actually the transliteration of the last name of the person who >founded the company. Tom: McDonald's is known as "Cardboard Foods R Us". Mike: K-Mart is known as "The Store Not So Successful as Wal-Mart". Crow: Exxon is known as "Happy Face Puppy Goo". > However, in Japan, a Canon is a Canon and a >Nikon is a Nikon. > Tom: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! Crow: Yes, but... Tom: And east is east and west is west. Mike: True, although - Tom: And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now - you tell me what you know. >One aspect known to Americans is the famed lifetime employment >practices. Mike: As practiced on 19th century cotton plantations. > Once a person (who is hired after passing >examinations) is taken on, he can usually count on being there >until he retires, usually at 55. Tom: I'm sorry, did I say "retires"? I meant "expires". > However, this normally applies >only to male office workers, called "salarymen" Mike: Faster than an office rumor! More powerful than three day old coffee! Able to leap tall in-baskets in a single bound! > and usually >doesn't include factory workers or female workers, Crow: Or blacks or Latinos or those stinking repulsive freaks who write with their left hand! > who are called >"OL" or office ladies; Tom: Office Lady! Faithful companion to Salaryman! > these ladies, usually wearing a blue suit, >usually wait upon visitors to the company, serve secretarial >duties and pour tea (much like American secretaries are usually >expected to pour coffee for the boss). Mike: Welcome to Japan! Where the sky's always blue, folks always wear a smile, and it's May 1956 all the live-long day! > With the recent economic >downturn, however, these practices have taken somewhat of a >beating Tom: After twenty transformation phrases, a stupid speech, and some sort of "Uranus Energy, Bitch Slap!" nonsense. > (though to be fair, the CEO of Ban Dai, the toymaker, >said he wouldn't hesitate to fire those who didn't agree with him >or did their best). > Mike: [CEO] I need you to be the best darn fawning yes-man you can be! >One assumption made about Japanese business is that it's mainly >non-union. Nothing could be further from the truth. Crow: Well, OK, that Goldman biography of John Lennon was a little further from the truth. But nothing else! > There are >three important unions: Mike: The Teamsters, the Soviets, and McClellen's Army of the Potomac. Tom: I thought it was Bermuda, Spanish, and Vidalia. Mike: No, those are *onions*, Tom. > Sohyo (which covers white collar workers >and government employees), Crow: [Sally Struthers] Sohyo want to make more money? Sure, we all do! > Domei (consisting of blue-collar >workers) Mike: [Redd Foxx] Who you callin' a Domei, dummy? > and Nikkyoso Tom: Representing the black-collar ninjas and assassins. > (which represents teachers and professors). Tom: Oh, Nikkyoso fine! Crow: Yoso fine you blow my mind? Tom: Exactly! >Management-labor relations are not as antagonistic as they are in >the United States; Mike: In Japan, when management treats you like dirt, it's because you deserve it. > though there's the famed "spring offensive" Mike: Managers and employees fight to the death for a 2% "cost of living" raise. Crow: If Coily shows up here, so help me... >for better wages and working conditions, these are mainly >peaceful demonstrations held before the day's work begins; Tom: [apathetic protester] Give me liberty, or don't. Whatever. > real >strikes that cripple production rarely occur. Further, instead >of defending obsolete jobs by "featherbedding", Mike: They go tell Aunt Grody to increase goose-raising productivity through communal tai-chi. > the unions and >the companies help affected employees retrain for new jobs in the >same company. Mike: So how *do* you say "You want fries with that?" in Japanese? > Further, locals of unions are not organized by >geographic region as much as they are organized by a company-to- >company basis Tom: And in Japan, record collections are organized by the main color of the album cover. > (i.e. one local covers Mitsubishi employees; >another covers those of Toyota). > Tom: The Japanese find it more efficient to let corporations run their own unions. Crow: So it's hugs and kisses all around in Japan, then. Mike: I wonder if the Sailor Squirts have a union. Tom: What would they demand, Mike? Shorter uniforms? Longer speeches? > Another hallmark of Japanese business is that decisions are >usually made on a consensus basis. Major decisions are made >after consultation with middle and lower management as well as >the actual workers. Crow: [Secretary] So on the motion, "Should Carla date Ted?", the yeas are twelve, the nays are sixteen. Tom: [Worker] I move that Ted buy a better car! > This sharply contrasts to what we're >accustomed to in the United States: the image of a Julius Caesar >Dithers or an Ebeneezer Scrooge or a Cosmo Spacely or a Sylvester >Slate yelling at his employees to get to work and that they'll >not be getting a raise. Crow: Wait! You forgot Dilbert's pointy-haired boss in your articles of indictment! Tom: That wasn't much of a list at all. He's not really trying anymore. Mike: Does it bother anyone else that we keep using cartoons to prove philosophical points? > Such persons are viewed as downright >dictatorial in Japanese terms. Crow: "In Japanese terms"? Mike: You go to any water cooler or smoking room of any U.S. business, you'll hear words far shorter than "dictatorial" bandied about. > The Japanese generally are hard- >working people and have deep devotion to the companies that >employ them; Tom: [tenderly] I love you, International Affiliated Conglomco Unlimited! > most workers and management do not wish to do >anything that would harm the company's long-term outlook. > Mike: The Stepford Corporation. Crow: Didn't you already do Stepford joke? Mike: I stopped trying to be original 200 pages ago. Crow: Point taken. >Another matter that needs to be looked at is what happens at the >beginning of the day. Mike: Generally, the horizon begins to lighten, then the sun rises. > Usually the employees gather in a large >building, where they sing the company song and hear the company >creed read aloud. Tom: You are ANTS beneath our FEET! InsigNIficant TOADS to be CRUSHED at our WHIM! Mike: Behind that creed, Gramma Ishihawra's Old Fashioned Cookies engineered a hostile takeover of Sumo Cookies Inc. and lead the defeated employees on the "Double Chocolate Chip Death March." > Then usually a brief pep talk is held as well >as an overview of the day's business. > Crow: What are we going to do? Mike & Tom: Make midget cars! Crow: How are we going to do it? Mike & Tom: At minimum cost! Crow: Who are we going to beat? Mike & Tom: Lazy, undisciplined American gaijin! >One aspect of Japanese business that has dramatically improved is Crow: The availability of lunchrooms which don't serve raw fish. >quality control. William Deming arrived after the war to teach >quality control to the Japanese; they listened and learned very >well. Tom: [Japanese] Ah! Mouth empty slogans! Say you want creativity while crushing all new ideas! This could work! > By the 1980's, the term "Made in Japan" was no longer a >joke; it became a symbol of quality. Mike: And of protectionist trade barriers. > The Japanese MITI (Ministry >of International Trade and Industry) Crow: Under the rubric of the MMUCAE, the Minsitry of Making Up Crummy Acronyms for Everything... > even gives out an award >called the Deming Prize to the company that has the best quality >control. Crow: This year's company with the fewest mistakes...Fruit of the Loom and their tireless underwear inspectors! Congratulations! We'd be lost without you! >***************************************************************** >******************** >6. Social Conditions > Mike: Remember, after a festive shampoo, use a social conditioner. >One last area Tom: Woo-hoo! Last! He said "last"! Mike: Promises, promises. > that needs to be looked at is the condition of >society in Japan. Several areas naturally suggest themselves: >1.) Morality; 2.) Mass Media; Tom: Now there's two things you don't see back-to-back very often. > 3.) The Status of Women; 4.) The >Status of Children; 5.) Individuals vs. Groups; and 6.) >Hierarchy. > Crow: Aaaaaargh! We're trapped in White Paper hell! >a. Morality > Crow: Hey! Amorality. Now we're talking! >The Japanese, contrary to popular belief, are not amoral or >immoral. Tom: Who said *that*? Crow: Must be a good racket, refuting bigotry no one's ever HEARD of before! > They are a very moral people. All: o/~ The captain is a very moral man! o/~ > However, their basis for >their morality is different than what we're used to seeing in the >West. > Crow: For example, it's PERFECTLY acceptable to eat your in-laws in Japan! >The Judeo-Christian morality is based on religion. We have our >Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, etc. Tom: [Capt. Kirk] your.. MAGnaCARta, your... CONstiTUtion, your... COMpactofdenebiaFOUR... > Japanese, however, view >morality as a product of human relations. As stated, Shinto has >nothing that says "Thou shalt not do this or that"; Crow: Because what would that leave? > it is merely >a religion that celebrates the beauty of nature and of life Mike: Shinto: The Religion that says "Wheeeeeee!" >(Shinto services are rather loud, boisterous affairs, and >consumption of alcohol, especially sake or beer, is common); Crow: Wow! That'd really shake things up down at First Presbyterian! Mike: So Shinto practitioners are really just refugees from a James Joyce novel? >further, while Buddhism does have a moral code, it is downplayed >in Japan mainly because most become Buddhist (other than those >who adhere to it for life) upon death, Tom: Thanks to their landmark ad campaign, "Covert and Win A Free Coffin". > and most funerals are >Buddhist, and even the Buddhist concept of Heaven and Hell is not >stressed as much. Mike: OK! Um... here lies Ted... I guess he's dead. Thanks, folks! Buffet's set up out back. > The Japanese view the Universe mainly as an >amoral, indifferent place, Crow: So it's sorta like Hollywood, only not as bad? > and that death (as symbolized by Yomi >in Shinto) is a place of corruption and decay; to Shinto, death >is oblivion; there's no Heaven, Hell, Nirvana or Paradise. Tom: Just an endless strip mall where every store's a Strawberry's. Mike: o/~ Imagine all the people... o/~ > The >morals that the Japanese have are mainly based on Confucianism >and the complex relationships that Kung Fu-tzu (or Master Kung, >as he's always called by Asians) Tom: Or King Kung, a he's known to most Americans. Mike: Aye, 'twas beauty killed the beast. > himself formulated. After all, >it was Master Kung who formulated the precept to treat others in >the same manner that you wish to be treated yourself (I think >that sounds better than the old "Do unto others. . ."); Crow: I may be guessing here, but it sounds like Pete is coming down with Japanophilia. Mike: Yeah, I think he's leaving out some of the bad stuff. Tom: Like no "Daria". Mike & Crow: Oooooooooh!!! >Confucianism itself is called by East Asians "the philosophy of >the teachers". > Tom: An apple a day? Crow: I think he's thinking of "vouchers are evil and I get summers off". >It is for those reasons that matters that to us may be downright >immoral or at least indecent are dismissed as trivial by the >Japanese. Mike: Arson, pickpocketing, assault? No big deal. Didn't show up for the company pep rally? They'll throw the book at you! > For instance, other than on HBO or Cinemax, one >wouldn't dare show a topless lady in prime time television here >in the United States; Tom: Except for Fox, of course. Crow: Pete hasn't been watching a lot of television lately, has he? > in Japan, nudity is accepted since families >often bathe together and mixed bathing in public places often >occurs. Crow: Sometimes on the subway during rush hour! > There is the inevitable culture clash, though: A >Christian group screamed blue murder at 20th Century-Fox when it >distributed the Hayao Miyazaki classic "My Neighbor Totoro" Mike: The touching story of a man and the lawn mower who moves in next to him. >because the father of the two girls was bathing with them; Crow: Of course, the "bathtub" was a waterbed with leopard skin sheets. > there >was a similar scene in an episode of "Sailor Moon" where the >Tsukino family is bathing together at a typical Japanese resort. Tom: So Confucianism translates into a creepy national fixation on watching underage girls take off their clothes? Mike: I never knew Howard Stern was Japanese... >However, both scenes are shown in Japan without much ado. Sure, >there's the scene in "Project A-ko" where A-ko takes off her >nightshirt, runs topless to her closet and grabs a bra Crow: Well hey! There's a scene like that in today's story! Tom: Two of them, in fact! Guerin must be pretty steamed how that A-ko gal ripped him off! Mike: No, Guerin's bigger than that. She meant it as an homage. > and a >scene in "Burn Up! W" where officer Rio nude bungee jumps, Mike: Well, not nude. She was wearing the cord, I hope. > and >all those nude scenes and breast jokes in "Ranma 1/2" (which was >created by a woman, by the way), Tom: And that's the way it should be! Who else would know better about naked women than a woman? Crow: "Defending Your Story" starring Albert Brooks and Peter Guerin. > but perhaps the best known nude >scenes (other than those in "spooge" or pornographic efforts like >"Urostukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend" or "Venus 5") Mike: Or "Captain Impotence: King of Erectile Dysfunction" > is the >"transformation sequence" in "magic girl" shows like "Sailor >Moon" or "Magic Knight Rayearth" (just to be fair, Son Goku romps >in the altogether quite frequently in "Dragon Ball"). Crow: Yes, that's right. All of the most grievous nudity occurs right in the children-oriented shows. Forget the hentai, forget the lemons and limes. "Sailor Moon" is where the booty's at! > This was >actually created by one of Japan's more controversial anime >creators, Go Nagai, Mike: Part of the Go Network. > for his android heroine Cutey Honey. Tom: Wow, he created a robot without clothes. Maybe next you'll grow carrots without hats, and build a swimming pool that's not in formal dress! > This >could also explain why the Japanese are not as alarmed at >pornography like we are here. Crow: Yeah, they're all too busy watching it to be alarmed by it! > Pornography is not viewed as evil >over there, though until recently the only restriction placed on >it was that nude photographs could not have any pubic hair >displayed (the yakuza made a killing illegally importing American >versions of "Playboy" and "Penthouse" for that reason). Tom: AHEM! Okay, this is *tons* more information than I ever wanted to know about *any* country's culture! > What the >West seems to forget is that nude does not always equal sexy, Crow: Mike here is living proof. Mike: Hey! >especially if it involves women's breasts. Crow: Well, I've always been more of a diode man myself. Tom: So when Sailor moon arches her back and thrusts her chest out, we're* the pigs for thinking it involves sex? Mike: I hate us. Really I do. > Seeing A-ko nude >wasn't made to titillate; Tom: Seeing Elizabeth Berkely nude in 'Showgirls' also wasn't made to titillate. Mike: Well, they succeeded there. > it just proves just how human she >really is beneath her superhuman exterior Crow: Not to mention just how NAKED she was beneath her clothes! > (after all, when was >the last time you saw a teenage Clark Kent wake up late for >school?). > Tom: Pre or Post Byrne? Mike: I just thank God every day I never saw a teenage Clark Kent running for the closet in nothing but panties. >Another area where Japanese morality is different from the West's >is in alcohol. The Japanese are no more as prone to alcoholism >than the French. [Long silence] Tom: Anything we can say here that won't make this any worse than it already is? Mike: I doubt ... Crow: Hopefully the Japanese are more prone to bathing than the French. Mike: Crow, are you purposely trying to get us killed? > Of course, sake, or rice wine, is popular, but >so is beer (one brand known to Americans is Kirin). Mike: Believe me, Americans know a lot more brands of beer than just Kirin... > The Japanese >do seem to become drunk easier than most; some say that is due to >a lack of an enzyme that processes alcohol. Crow: So they're not prone to alcoholism--they're just a whole race of genetically predisposed drunks? Mike: Peter Guerin's The Bell Curve--in stores this April! > Drunkenness is >almost freely forgiven, Tom: Now you, too, can paw the boss' wife with no regrets or fear of recrimination! > the only exception is for DWI; being >caught DWI even once results in having your license revoked for >life. Crow: Hey, that's not a bad idea. Tom: Yeah, but if you're caught with a dirty ashtray, they remove a kidney. > Alcoholic consumption is often part of business meetings, >family affairs and even Shinto religious festivals (where even >teenagers are inebriated). Crow: Drunk at work, drunk at home, and drunk in church. Tom: Another aspect of Japanese life, stolen from the Americans. Mike: I can foresee tons of nasty bris accidents implied here. > Sometimes, students do have a beer >during study time (as in a couple of scenes in "Here is >Greenwood") All: Where? I don't - did you see - where did you *leave* Greenwood when you - think I'm sitting in it. > but it doesn't seem to affect their study habits. Tom: They get just as blind stupid drunk as students anywhere else. > It >may help that a person has to be 19 (starting in 1999, 20) before >he or she can get a driver's license in explaining the lack of an >adolescent drinking problem in Japan. > Crow: Or it may explain the burgeoning Japanese Fake ID industry. Tom: So. Everyone's always drunk, and no one has a drinking problem! Crow: Mike, is there any chance we can we get a whole *country* on a twelve-step program? Mike: You want the three of us to do an intervention? Crow: No. Just asking. >Sex is another area of difference in Japanese vs. Western >morality. The Japanese view sex as just part of nature. Mike: While here in the West, it's manufactured exclusively by ADM. > There >was once a double standard (all too well-known to us here) of men >being promiscuous and women having to be "pure", Crow: Showing, again, how *different* sexual mores are in Japan than here. >