MSTied: "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology" Original Author: TurtleNinja MSTied by: Amanda Flowers MSTie edited by: Matthew Blackwell WARNING: It's a long one. [Open on the interior of the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, Crow, and Tom Servo are sitting around happily digging into various bowels of cereal. Evidence that they have just gotten up is Mike's bed-head and the cheesy nightcap that Crow is wearing.] MIKE: [Notices Cambot is on.] Oh! Good morning, and welcome to the Satellite of Love! I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my pals Crow and Servo. ['Bots acknowledge.] We thought we would start the day off right with a healthy breakfast, so Tom is treating us to his collection of colorful vintage breakfast cereals! TOM: That's right, Mike! Crow here is enjoying a healthy bowl of Nerds cereal--the cereal that comes in the cleverly subdivided box and has twice the sugar intake of ordinary cereals! CROW: [Chomping away] I can't believe they discontinued this stuff! TOM: Meanwhile, Mike is inhaling a bowl of Fruity Yummy Mummy, the long lost second cousin of Count Chocula, Booberry, and Frankenberry! MIKE: It's not bad. TOM: The cream of the crop is reserved for me, the collector, who is feasting on delicious, nutricious, Ninja Turtles breakfast cereal, mixed with a dash of Legend of Zelda cereal, and peppered with the fine flavor of A-Team cereal. CROW: Servo, you're such a gourmet. MIKE: I didn't even know they *made* A-Team cereal. TOM: [Eats by dunking his head in the bowl, then emerges, face covered in milk.] It fetches a fair price at flea markets, too. [Mads' light flashes.] MIKE: Already? [Pushes the button.] [Deep 13. Pearl is looking deviously cheerful. Dr. Forrester is in the background eating a bowl of cereal. Shao Kahn, skull-helmeted Outworldian overlord and Mortal Kombat final boss, appears to be standing behind Pearl.] PEARL: Goooood morning, Nelson! I'm sure you remember Shao Kahn, evil ruler of the Outworld. SHAO KAHN: Greetings. [SoL.] [All look up from their cereal.] MIKE: --the Hell? [Deep 13.] PEARL: Well, I thought we'd surprise you. Seeing as *Clayton* can't take his face away from his bowl of Swedish Chef Cinnamon Stars long enough to seal a *different* kind of deal... FORRESTER: [from background] It just wasn't going to work out, okay? She was cute, but she was too weird... I think she ran off with some chronic Dungeons and Dragons player... Anyway, I just don't think I was *ready* to be prince of an evil empire... PEARL: Oh, put a sock in it. Since Clayton's too incompetent to deal with Outworld, I made a deal of my own: with Emporer Kahn and his very very *long* list of TurtleNinja's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan-fics. [SoL.] [Everyone groans.] [Deep 13.] PEARL: That's right, Nelson! And don't expect a mamby pampy short little story like the *last* TurtleNinja piece we gave you: "TMNT Versus Mortal Kombat." Today we serve up the mother of them all. SHAO KAHN: You are about to be treated to the horror that is "The Legend of The Red Eye Pentology." [SoL.] CROW: Mike, what's a Pentology? MIKE: Well, I guess that's what you call it when a story has... oh... five parts. CROW: [horrified] Five parts? [Deep 13.] [Shao Kahn and Pearl enjoy some maniacal laughter while Forrester eats his breakfast.] [SoL.] MIKE: [Big swallow] CROW: Umm...Mike, do you remember when we read the last TurtleNinja fan-fic? MIKE: Yeah... TOM: Yeah, and how at the end after we read it we said that it really wasn't all that bad? MIKE: Yeah... BOTS: **We were lying!!** AAAAAAAA!!! [Deep 13.] [More laughter.] [SoL.] [Bots are still screaming while Commercial sign flashes.] MIKE: Ummm...we'll be right...back...? [Commercials.] [Back to the SoL. Bots are calmer, but still very worried.] CROW: What concerns me most is the inclusion of a *body part* in the title. We seem to have a bad record with body parts. TOM: Consider: "The *Brain* That Wouldn't Die." Body part. "Manos: the *Hands* of Fate." Body part. "Mech*tail.*" Body part. MIKE: [shudder] CROW: And, even worse, it's an *eye.* Consider "Attack of the *Eye* Creatures." Consider... [shudders] "The *Eye* of Argon." "Legend of the Red Eye"?? I just can't stand it! MIKE: Well, at least it's not "*Red* Zone Cuba..." BOTS: Aaaaaaaaa!! [Red light flashes.] MIKE: Guess we're gonna find out. We have Fan-fic sign!! [More screaming.] [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Mike sets Servo in his seat; Crow follows in and sits.] >Legend Of The Red Eye TOM: Well, here we go. > > >By: TurtleNinja > CROW: Yup, here we go. > >Leonardo had been gone a long time. Too long. We were starting to get >worried, especially Splinter. Finally, Leonardo returned. But it wasn't >Leonardo. At least, not the old Leo. He had changed. TOM: He had become... a Were-emu. > Raphael and >Donatello noticed it, too. > MIKE: [Raphael] Wow. Is Leo trying a new aftershave? > >Chapter 1 >Left For Dead > CROW: [loudspeaker-type-voice] The zone to the left is for the loading and unloading of dead passengers only. Passengers still living may procede to the right. >We were up on Turtle Cliff, which was nearby Turtle Lake on the east side of >Turtle Farm. TOM: Huh? MIKE: Gee, I don't remember any of *that* from the show... > That morning, it had snowed, but the afternoon was spent >sparring as Splinter instructed us in our moves. The owner of Turtle Farm, CROW: Soon sold the Farm to a Japanese investment firm who quickly turned it into Turtle Pines Golf Course. >our friend, TurtleNinja (TN, for short), was on vacation in Florida and wouldn't >be back for a few days. ALL: [Cheering noises] > We had the whole farm to ourselves. CROW: Hey, if TurtleNinja's not even in this story, who's the narrator? TOM: Will the mystery speaker please stand up? > I was the last one >to fight Leonardo, and the only one to survive. No, the others weren't hurt. I >didn't know it then, but I was the only one left to fight the Red Eye. MIKE: Yep, just me against an early morning plane flight. It's going to be rough. > "All right, Michaelangelo. You're next!" MIKE: It's Michaelangelo! TOM: But...um...Michaelangelo doesn't talk like this. He says "dude" and stuff. It's in his contract. >As I had said before, Leonardo had changed. He had become mean and I knew it >wasn't his fault. CROW: Nah, it was probably all the photographers everywhere... Autograph hounds... Teenage stalkers... People kept asking about his sexual orientation... Didn't get an Oscar nomination for "Titanic..." > Right away, I knew that I had no chance against him. Ever >since he had returned, his strength had more than doubled. And it was still >growing. I started to notice it with the others, too. Slowly, they became >more like Leonardo and less like themselves. When the sparring began, CROW: --I hid in the corner and wet my pants! > I did >my best to defend against the attacks. But he was just too strong. The others >were all on his side, too- even Splinter. He had changed, too. He was more >strict and less tolerant, especially to me. They were his favorites. TOM: [Michaelangelo] On their birthdays, they got video games and pony rides, and pizza and all sorts of neat stuff. All I got was a lousy rock. > "Come on, Mikey!" >That was Leo. The way he said my name scared me. That was not like Leo at all. TOM: Especially since this is the *cartoon,* and they don't *use* short-form on the cartoon. MIKE: Tom, what did I tell you about being a rabid Ninja Turtles fan? CROW: Since when is Tom a rabid Turtles... MIKE: [quietly] Shh! You're blowing our suspension of disbelief here. Just go with it. CROW: Oh right. [Loudly] Yeah Tom! Stop being a rabid Turtles fan! > "Yeah, Mikey, you wimp!" > "Get off your shell and fight!" >Soon, the others had joined in. My left eye was swollen shut and a cut ran >from my lower lip to my chin. TOM: Um...guess this is like that last, *weird* season of the cartoon. > I felt all alone. I was all alone. CROW: [Michaelangelo] I decided that I'd talk to my shrink about these feelings of abandonemnt in our next session. > My brothers were >gone. With my one good eye, I looked up at Splinter. No longer did I see my >fatherly mentor. All I saw was a cold, merciless mutant rat. MIKE: Unlike those hordes of nice,friendly mutant rats all around the place. > He glared down >at me as I looked up at him. > "Michaelangelo! Get up and fight!" Splinter commanded harshly. >I groaned and coughed up blood. > "Finish him!" CROW: No! We're back in Mortal Kombat! Ohmygod... [Crow whimpers as Mike reassures him] >First Leonardo kicked me. And then Raphael. TOM: So...did Leonardo kick Michaelangelo, then Raphael, or did Leonardo kick Michaelangelo, followed by Raphael kicking Michaelangelo? > Then Donatello. And then Splinter. TOM: [whimper.] MIKE: This is like the setup for a logic puzzle. >I could do nothing to defend myself. I was all alone. When they were finished, >they took me to a small ditch and dumped me in. I didn't remember any of the >pain, at least not from the bruises. But the betrayal of my brothers and >Splinter was a worse pain. I didn't remember reaching the bottom of the ditch. CROW: Luckily, nearby bystanders videotaped the entire incident. TOM: Uh-oh. Looks like the trial's going to be held in Simi Turtle Valley. >All I could remember was their eyes. The red eyes flashed through my mind. >The cold, evil, lifeless, red eyes. MIKE: Well, guys, we have title. BOTS: [unenthused] Yay. >Chapter 2 >Mataji TOM: Gesundheit! CROW: Chapter two, already! Wow! That wasn't *too* long... MIKE: I knew it couldn't be that bad. >When I awoke, I had no idea where I was. My whole body ached. My head throbbed. >All around me was dark. A faint lantern glowed above me, giving the only light. >Suddenly, a soft, soothing, feminine voice spoke. MIKE: A guest appearance by Magic Voice? TOM: Nope. A guest appearance by another character through whom the author can insert herself. > > > Rest now. You are safe here. Rest. > > TOM: So they're saying, SLEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!! >What made the voice, I wasn't sure of. But it was calm and relaxing. MIKE: Ben Stein? > At once I >fell into a deep sleep. > CROW: [Michaelangelo] I'm so sleepy, I can hardly keep awake! > >* * * > > >I awoke again to find a cool, slightly damp washcloth on my forehead. The >lantern still glowed, giving me some comfort. I still didn't know where I >was. Then I heard that voice again. > TOM: And now we're in a Peter Gabriel song. CROW: Look, Mikey's armed with a sledgehammer! > > Lie still. My name is Mataji and I shall tell you my story. TOM: [falsetto] See, it all started with my mother... She told me she wanted a *son*! Can you imagine? > > Many years ago, I lived far away in another solar system on the planet >Yumana. But war broke out and I was forced to leave. The war was caused by a >certain evil that we called the Huang Yen, or CROW: --"Yellow River." > Red Eye in your language. That's >when I came to your planet that you call Earth. But I was not the only one. > TOM: [Mataji] Do you know a Dennis Rodman? > > The Red Eye followed. MIKE: [falsetto] Can I keep it? > The Red Eye was once a clan of tirjils, or ninjas in your language, TOM: So if "Red Eye" is in our language, and "Ninja" is in our language, what's the other language? Mandarin Chinese? CROW: No! Yumanan! Aren't you paying attention? TOM: Well, I'm *trying* not to... > who fought >to keep peace on Yumana. The Red Eye was strong, but there was another who >was stronger; one who wanted the Red Eye to rule forever as an invincible power. > MIKE: Wow. The impeachment commitee's charges are really getting out there. > Arjuna was his name TOM: And partyin' was his game. > and he was evil. And evil was him, so it would seem. MIKE: Anyone noticed yet there's a lot of "pure evil" in these stories? CROW: Better than that "watered down" evil. TOM: I bought some imitation evil at Woolworth's once. It just didn't perform. > Arjuna turned the Eye into a powerful army of tirjils. His power was >so great that anyone who looked into his eyes or the eyes of one of his followers >would become like them. MIKE: So, the Red Eye's like Amway then? TOM: No, it's "an evil." MIKE: Well, same thing... > And that's when I had to leave. > > I am old now, but then I was young and strong. I cannot fight the Red Eye >any longer, but now you can. The ones defeated can still be saved. Your friends >are not in control of their minds. You must save them. > > "But how? How can I stop the Red Eye? If I am to stop them, don't I have >to look into their eyes?" MIKE: --the Hell? Michaelangelo speaks like a Knight of the Round Table! CROW: "Coconuts?" > No, you are different. You are like me. The Red Eye cannot touch us. ALL: Ooooohhhh... MIKE: First-rate plot contrivance, TurtleNinja! > > "But what can I do to stop the Eye? How can one fight against so many?" > > There are others like you and I. Others whom the Eye cannot touch. Find them. TOM: Okay, how much do you wanna bet one of those people is the invincible TurtleNinja? > > "Where are they? How can I tell who is like us?" CROW: DNA testing! MIKE: Urinalisis! TOM: Psychoanalysis! ALL: RADAR! >But she was gone. Her voice spoke no more. I lay there for awhile afterwards, >thinking of my brothers and Master Splinter. Why, since we were all family, did >the Red Eye affect them and not me? CROW: I can't answer for your brothers, but Splinter is in an entirely different species... > If only Mataji could have told me more. >Suddenly, Mataji's voice came into my mind again; > > There are others like you and I. Others whom the Eye cannot touch. Find them. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > >It was then that I knew what to do. I had to find the others. I had to find >TurtleNinja. ALL: [groan] TOM: Toldja so! >Chapter 3 >Tirjil Headquarters > TOM: Tirjil! A company growing for the future! Leaders in the field of making new words out of random letters! > > "Master Arjuna, my brothers and I know now that Michaelangelo, the fourth >brother, cannot be affected by the Eye. MIKE: [Leonardo] He's got, like, a vaccine or something. > We hope that our reptilian sister, TurtleNinja, >is affected. TOM: [Sputters in astonishment] *Sister*? CROW: And I thought *nothing* could make the love scenes in the Mortal Kombat Crossover any more disturbing... Turns out I was very, *very* wrong! [Both Bots start whimpering.] MIKE: Guys, she might be a nun.. TOM: Oh. Good point. CROW: Wait, a ninja nun? MIKE: They had one in X-Men for a while. CROW: Oh, that's right. Carry on then. > That way, we can turn her against him and destroy him." Leonardo >said. > > Leonardo, are you aware that TurtleNinja may not be affected and could destroy >us all if this is true?" MIKE: Right. *Obviously,* the uninfected Michaelangelo isn't much of a threat, but as soon as the self-insertion character gets tagged, look out. >Leonardo was afraid of that harsh voice that rang out through the practice room. >The tirjils were also there, as well as Splinter and Leonardo's two remaining >brothers, Raphael and Donatello. He knew that Arjuna was very powerful and would >not stop at killing anyone- exept his daughter, Sashi. Leo had seen Sashi around >and thought that she was very pretty. BOTS: [in despair] Noooo! CROW: Another self-insert love affair for Leonardo? TOM: How many of her *are* there in this story? MIKE: Cheer up; keep the riffs coming; we're already on Chapter Three... > Sashi was also at the assembly. Arjuna >turned to her, said something, TOM: [Arjuna] Psst! Your fly is down! > and then she ran off, leaving the assembly. TOM: [stunned] Wow! I was actually right! MIKE: See? We can make it through! >Leonardo remained in the center of the room, in the harsh light that shown on >him from above. > CROW: So, Leonardo's joined the Grey Council? > "Yes, we have thought of that and we shall kill her, then Mikey if she is not >affected." CROW: The other fact we weren't warned about in this fan-fic is Michaelangelo's recent sex change... MIKE: Ew! > Leonardo said and Raphael gave him a thumbs-up from a distance. > > Yes, I see you have learned well, Leonardo. It is time for you and your friends >to return home. You must either make an ally out of your reptilian sister or >destroy her. BOTS: Destroy her! Destroy her! > As for your brother, kill him the first chance you get. There >may be others who will try to help your reptilian siblings. MIKE: They'll be dressed as ice cream truck drivers. > You need to be >aware of them and destroy them whenever you come across them. CROW: In fact, just destroy everything! TOM: This message brought to you by the Destruction Council! >Leo looked up at the Master, who laughed evilly. A second later, Leonardo and >the others joined him. TOM: [The Master] Laugh with me! It's funny! Ha ha! > >Chapter 4 >TurtleNinja! ALL: [Groan] CROW: So soon? TOM: I wouldn't be so scared if it weren't for that exclamation point. MIKE: [Falsetto] TurtleNinja! >I spent the next week in the Room. My bruises healed and I recovered. Mataji had >left; she was gone. TOM: This statement has been brought to you by: Redundancy! Enjoy Redundancy, whereever useless and pointless statements are located! > During the days after I had learned of the Eye, I >explored the Room. I found many books, but they were useless to me because I >did not understand the strange, alien language. Finally, after searching >every shelf, I found an old, dusty book. I blew the dust off the cover [All make coughing noises.] > and was shocked to find a >large, red eye on the cover. CROW: Dear lord! It's the Visine Corporate Handbook! > Immediately, I knew I had to read it, somehow. I >opened the cover and found, to my surprise, that the words were in English. MIKE: Plot contrivance number two! >The writing was in ink, and it was very long and thin. The pages were so >crisp and frail; I was afraid that they would crumble to dust in my hands. The >first page read; > TOM: [deep voice] Today my Catherine and I arrived at this new age. [sigh] At first, I had hoped much for this fertile land, but I soon discovered the whole place to be inhabited with odd-looking mutant turtles. [bigger sigh] With our Linking Books in hand... MIKE: Stop! Stop! There are *enough* scary cross-overs on the Internet! TOM: Just trying to be obscure... CROW: You succeeded. > >The Legend of the Red Eye >By Mataji Sita > CROW: Hey, Mike, didn't you used to go out with her? MIKE: *No.* > >As I turned the pages, a story like the one I had heard from Mataji was written. TOM: --in a galaxy far, far away. I, meanwhile, was reading a very comprehensive Gilligan's Island episode guide. CROW: Evil! >It told of the overthrow of the Red Eye and the coming evil. I soon learned >that Mataji was the Master Tirjil before Arjuna came. Arjuna Sita. I quickly >shut the book, not caring about the pages. I had just learned that Arjuna >was Mataji's brother. CROW: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, *good.* Does that mean they get a *love scene?* > I had made up my mind. Tomorrow I would leave. > TOM: [Michaelangelo] After all, that doctoral thesis wasn't going to write itself... >* * * > >The only exit from the Room was a small tunnel near the door. It was scarcely >bigger than a manhole and I had a bit of trouble getting through. The tunnel got >bigger as I went on and soon, I was able to walk. I was wondering how Mataji had >made it and why she lived so far underground when suddenly, I came to a door. >There was a nail in the door with a note attached. MIKE: Dear Michaelangelo: Got the hell out of this fan-fic; provide your own exposition from now on, Sincerely, Mataji. CROW: P.S, Bite me. > > > Look for the one called Tur. > CROW: [Ator] Kang! Fish are ready! TOM: Wrong guy. > >Suddenly, it came to me. Our reptilian sister, TurtleNinja. TOM: It *suddenly* came to him? I think this is like the eighth time she's been mentioned. > Somehow, I had >to get to her in Florida and tell her of our situation here. I quickly opened >the door and looked outside. There were trees all around the entrance of the >Room and I knew where I was- Turtle Grove. MIKE: Turtle Farm, Turtle Lake, Turtle Cliff, Turtle Grove? What, do the Ninja Turtles own half the state? CROW: They're thinking of building a theme park. > The others were in our secret meeting place nearby, >talking. Suddenly, I saw a car drive up the driveway through the trees. That's >when I remembered. TurtleNinja was coming back today. I ran through the >trees, yelling; MIKE: STELLA!! > "TurtleNinja! TN!" >Donnie's head turned in my direction just as I tripped on a fallen log. > "Did you guys just hear something?" he asked. TOM: [Leonardo] Did it sound like some stupid idiot yelling out "TurtleNinja! TN!" MIKE: [Donatello] Yeah... TOM: [Leonardo] Must've been your imagination. >I lay on the ground, safely hidden by the underbrush around me. TurtleNinja >would have to take care of herself for awhile. > "Hey, guys! Did you miss me?" TurtleNinja asked. ALL: *No!* > "Must have been the wind." Donatello muttered. "Great!" he said to her. "We're >so glad you're back!" >TurtleNinja looked into Donnie's eyes and saw a flash of red in them, like fire. MIKE: You know the guy's posessed by an evil force when he starts enjoying TurtleNinja's company. >The other turtles, Leonardo and Raphael, went to the trunk and heaved out >TurtleNinja's suitcase and bag. While TN talked to Splinter and Donnie, April >said goodbye and then left Turtle Farm. TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, the obilgatory "pointless mention of April O'Neil!" Thank you. > "Where's Mikey?" TurtleNinja asked. > "He's on a secret training mission. He'll be back in awhile." Splinter said >quickly. CROW: [Splinter] Yep, yep, nobody's become evil around here, or anything, so if that's what you're thinking, just forget about it! >TurtleNinja followed my brothers to the Sleeping Quarters where they showed her >to her room. Then they took her to the Barn, our gym we used for sparring in the >winter. TOM: If ya know what I mean. > It was heated, so we we used it when it got too cold for outside. The >others practiced their moves on dummies [Bots snicker; Mike glares at Crow.] > while TN swam in the pool. I crept up >to the door and slipped inside. Carefully, I climbed the rafters and came right >above my brothers and Master Splinter. I listened carefully and overheard their >conversation. > "So, did you show her the Eye?" Leo asked Donnie. MIKE: [Donatello] Yeah, but she wasn't *really* impressed until I showed her something a little lower down... CROW: Suuurrrreee...*you* can make jokes like that... >They had stopped fighting and were standing in a corner. They were obviously >talking about TurtleNinja. TOM: Wasn't everyone? > I listened for more. MIKE: [whispered] I heard she stuffs her shell... CROW: [whispered] You're kidding me! > "She seems unaffected by it." Donatello said. > "The Eye must prevail!" >That was Splinter. He seemed to be the most affected by now. > "Should I do something about her?" Raphael asked with an evil grin. > "Finish Her!" [Bots whine.] MIKE: I can see why Shao Kahn recommended this fan-fic. >I knew what they were going to do. They were going to try and kill her like they >tried to do to me. Raphael got up from the straw bale TOM: [singing] Turtle in the straw... [Crow whistles] TOM: Turtle in the straw... > he was sitting on and >walked over to the pool. TurtleNinja was on the high diving board, getting >ready to do a flip. > "Hey, TurtleNinja, babe, let me show you a really awesome dive." CROW: Must...fight...urge... Author...making it...too...easy... > he said in >a menacing tone. >TurtleNinja looked down at him and smiled. She obviously didn't notice his tone. >I couldn't let him kill her. MIKE: Aw...couldn't you make an exception...just once? > Raphael was just climbing the ladder to the >diving board as I crawled about the rafters, getting in the perfect spot for >what I wanted to do. He was halfway up when I silently swung my grappling hook >up on the middle beam. Just as he reached the top, I swung down and grabbed >TurtleNinja. MIKE: Me Michaelangelo. You Jane. TOM: Mike, that really *was* a line from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! MIKE: D'oh! CROW: Surrrree, Servo...bet you can name the episode and the season, too... TOM: "What's Michaelangelo Good For," 1990. Very enjoyable episode including Michaelangelo's pet bird, Pete. CROW: You almost *deserve* to be forced to read this fan-fic. > "Michaelangelo! You're alive?" Raphael cried in a surprised voice. > "Turtles! Get them!" TOM: So, just for the record, let me get this straight. In TurtleNinja fan-fics, The Shredder is a really nice, curmudgeonly kinda guy, and all the Ninja Turtles and Splinter are evil? MIKE: That looks about right. >Raphael sprung into action. He did a triple flip off the board, hit the water, >and quickly resurfaced. By now, I had swung safely to a window with TurtleNinja. >Raphael grabbed one of the training ropes and was pulling himself up to our >landing. > "I know you can't help it!" I yelled. CROW: Can't help *what*? TOM: [singing] Can't help myself! I love you and nobody else...! >I turned and broke the glass in the window with TN's Katana. I pushed her up >through the window and onto the roof before pulling myself up after her. >Leonardo and Donatello were climbing the side of the Barn after us with >grappling hooks. There was only one thing to be done. TurtleNinja and I ran to >the edge of the roof and jumped. > MIKE: Wheeeeeee! TOM: [falsetto] Ow! My spine! >Chapter 5 >The Last Master of the Tirjls > CROW: Come on, fan-fic, don't get our hopes up with words like "last." MIKE: Chapter Five! Home stretch! > "Ooof!" >We hit the roof of the snack bar and slid down the tin before landing in the hay >bunk soundlessly. > "TN, are you okay?" I whispered. > "That was fun! Can we do it again?" she asked, giggling. ALL: [muted trumpet] Whaaa-whaaa-whaaa... TOM: I knew TurtleNinja was clueless, but *this* is even *pushing* it! > "We have to run away, TurtleNinja. We have to get away from the Red Eye, >and fast." > "What's the Red Eye?" MIKE: [TurtleNinja] Is that anything like Pinkeye? > "No time to explain." >We were already out of the hay bunk and running across the cattle yard. TOM: The Ninja Turtles keep *cows?* MIKE: Why not? CROW: Domesticated Chud-chewing Cow Assassins! {The others glare at Crow.] CROW: Oh, come on! You were thinking it too! > We leapt >the fence and stopped. Where could we hide? Then I knew where to go. I grabbed >TN's hand and bolted for Turtle Grove. We could be safe in the Room, CROW: Romper Room? > if only we >could get there without being seen. I looked over my shoulder. Leonardo and >Donatello had just reached the top of the roof and were looking over the edge. >Raphael was nowhere in sight. We were safe. But where was Splinter? TOM: Or Waldo? > He must >have been in the Barn still. I hoped he hadn't seen us. We made it to Turtle Grove >and I led TurtleNinja to the entrance to the Room. CROW: The Green Room? TOM: You mean you just *now* noticed she's been spelling "Room" with a capital "R"? MIKE: I'm still scarred from "Barn" with a capital "B." > We were out of breath and I fumbled >with the door. I could barely find it because it was camouflaged into the root of >an uprooted tree. Finally, I managed to get the door open and pulled her inside. >I closed the door; it was pitch black. From out of nowhere, a light came on. ALL: Surprise!! Happy birthday to you... > "Coolness! Where are we?" TurtleNinja asked. CROW: [valley girl] Well, I like called Suzy and she said that we were going to a party tonight, then suddenly...and hey, Michaelangelo, how come we're surrounded by enemy assassins? > "This is a tunnel made by Mataji." I told her. > "Who's Mataji?" TOM: [Michaelangelo] Aw...you know...exposition incarnate... > "Follow me." >We walked down the strangely lit hall and after stooping and then crawling, we >came to the Room. I pushed open the door and received a shock. The place was a mess! >Every one of Mataji's books were strewn about the floor. The bedcovers were flung >about and the table was tipped on its side. CROW: Whoa! Looks like it was a hot time in the old Room tonight! > Someone had been here. And they >were still here. MIKE: [babyish] Someone's been sleeping in *my* bed, and here she is! TOM: A riff for the younger set. > All of a sudden, the lights went out. I heard a muffled yelp from >TurtleNinja and turned to face our attacker. I was greeted by a flying kick CROW: Hi! I'm a flying kick! >to the chestplate that sent me reeling back into a bookshelf. A rope was quickly >thrown around me. I was caught! Then TN let out an earsplitting scream. [Tom follows suit and "lets out an earsplitting scream."] > The >light came on and a figure stood above me. It was another female turtle! [Crow lets out an earsplitting scream.] > Strangely >enough, she resembled TurtleNinja. [Everyone lets out an earsplitting scream.] MIKE: *Enough* with the self-insertion! > "What have you done with my aunt?" she demanded. > "I don't know what you mean. I didn't know that anyone other than Mataji lived >here." I said. > "Who's Mataji?" TN asked. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > "My aunt." the other turtle said. "She's gone." > "Who are you? How can Mataji be your aunt?" I asked. > "She is my aunt." she said sharply. TOM: [going crazy] Her aunt! She said it three times! How thick *are* you? > Then, returning to her normal tone, said; >"I'm sorry. I thought you were one of them." > "You mean the Red Eye." MIKE: [falsetto] No, I mean Jehovah's Witnesses! Whew! Next time those people try and convert me...I swear... > "What's the Red Eye?" TurtleNinja asked, more insistent this time. >Quickly, I explained the story of the clan of tirjils and the overthrow of the >Red Eye. TOM: We better just copy that sentence to the clipboard. It looks like we'll be using it a lot today. > "You can't be Arjuna's daughter." I said to the other turtle. > "No, I am not." she said. "My mother is their sister. CROW: [singing] "I'm the cousin to the sister of the son's niece's brother of the uncle's daughter's father of the nephew's sister's mother, and my grandpa's only cousin was the king's daughter's sibling..." > But she's dead. CROW: [still singing] "...and that is why I am now your king!" > And I >suppose Mataji is, too." > "You must be Tur." I said. > "Yes. Turtana Lalita." she said. > TOM: [Forshadowing music] Bum bum bum... CROW: She would have shown up a few years ago, but they were unable to find an American distributor for her. MIKE: Guys, we did it! Five parts! CROW: Five parts! That was five parts already? MIKE: I knew we would survive! Now all we have to do is head on back to the bridge... >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! >Legend Of The Red Eye > > MIKE: Say what? TOM: It's not over? It's not over? I thought it was five parts! I *read* five parts! >By: TurtleNinja CROW: It was supposed to *end,* not start over again! MIKE: Oh well. At least Akodo Toturi, Toku and the bunch will be showing up soon. > > "What?" TurtleNinja asked, confused. CROW: Us too, honey, us too! >We all sat there on the dirt floor, not knowing what to say. Finally, I asked; > "Who did this? Why are all the books on the floor?" TOM: Just when you thought it was safe--not only is the story *not* over, but the bad semicolon usage is back! > "It was the Red Eye. They know where we are." > "What are they looking for?" >Turtana fingered the chain around her neck. Then she pulled something from the >folds of her cloak. MIKE: Look out; she's got a gun! > It was an amulet. A ruby in the shape of a red eye. > "Awesome!" TN said in a whisper. CROW: [TurtleNinja] Can I have it? MIKE: [Turtana] No. CROW: [TurtleNinja] But look how it picks up the color of my shell... MIKE: [Turtana] I said No! > "My aunt gave this to me. Right before she had to leave Yumana." Tur said and >put her head down. "She said I was the last one to fight the Red Eye." > "What did you do after she gave it to you?" I asked. TOM: [falsetto] Had it professionally cleaned...wore it to the Prom... > "At first, I just stayed hidden, but the Red Eye just kept growing stronger." >She paused here for a moment. "Then I followed her to your planet." > "Wait a minute. You're saying that you're really from another planet?" >TurtleNinja asked, skeptical. Their resemblance was uncanny. MIKE: Of course... TOM: So let me *guess.* TurtleNinja and Turtana are distant cousins, from the same messed-up planet. MIKE: Very good! CROW: Not *five* minutes ago, she was the Ninja Turtles' *sister.* TOM: At least it makes the love scene a little less...wrong. > "Yes." > "Do you know how the Red Eye can be stopped?" I asked. > "Sort of. Our people say that the Prophecies mention something about a Last >Master of the Tirjils and how she is the youngest descendant of the First >Master of the Tirjils. MIKE: [falsetto] Not to mention the Blaster Master of the Tirjils! TOM: The Last shall be First, the First shall be Last... > She is the only one who can stop the Eye with her power of >unconditional love. CROW: [feign throwing up noises] TOM: Let me guess. ALL: TurtleNinja. >She will join friends and enemies in a powerful force to stop the Eye." > "Is it you?" I asked. > "No. I found that out when I tried to stop the Eye on Yumana. There is >someone else. MIKE: Who, Master Yoda? >The Last Master of the Tirjils." >I knew what Turtana meant by when she said that friends and enemies would >join sides to make a powerful force against the Eye. TN and I had to find the >Shredder. [Tom breaks down in tears.] TOM: No...no...*Not* the TurtleNinja-characterized Shredder...anything but that... I'll be good... > > >Chapter 6 CROW: And I quote, *Mike.* "Pentology," Mike? "Well, I guess that's what you call it when a story has... oh... five parts." *Five Parts,* Mike. I see a six. Do you see a six? MIKE: Oh, you guys think I've got all the answers, don't you? >The Secret Of MIKE: [Hopefully] ...Mana? CROW: [Condescendingly] Evermore. MIKE: Oh, come on, Crow... Secret of *Mana...* TOM: [Losing his grip on sanity] SEIKEN DENSETSU! > The Amulet MIKE: Oh, never *mind.* CROW: No, *Ever* *More.* TOM: *EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!* >That night, we had to leave. The Red Eye knew where we were and would soon >be back. I knew of a place where we could hide. There was an old shed on the >far side of the cattle yard. CROW: Yep, the turtles would never think of searching the old turtle tool shed on their very own property. > A few years ago, TurtleNinja had found it and >turned it into a weapons shed. It was small, but comfortable. There were >rooms with bunks and a good storage of food and water. [There is an awkward silence while Tom weeps openly.] > Once we were settled, we went out to the Barn. I knew >that the others would not be using it at night, so we were safe. TN started >out by doing her rope exercises and would go around the gym, using the pool last. MIKE: Come on, Tommy...you're missing all the riffs... TOM: [very quiet and serious] Just...leave...me...alone. > No sooner >had she started acscending the rope, then she saw a shadowy figure in the >window, in the moonlight. I had forbidden her to turn on the light, knowing >that if the others were watching, they'd find us. The figure leapt down from >the window to the rope platform, not too far from the south catwalk, CROW: "...And I shake my little toosh on the catwalk..." Uh... [Becomes suddenly silent when he senses something isn't right.] > where I was standing. When they landed, >there was the faint sound of clinking metal that gleamed in the moonlight. >Immediately, I knew who it was. CROW: Brian Setzer! > "Shredder!" I whispered. [Tom sobs loudly.] CROW: Well, I was close. >By this time, TurtleNinja had stopped climbing the rope. > "I have heard of your problems with the Red Eye and have come to help." he said. [Tom cries out in pure anguish.] MIKE: [Shredder] And no, it's not part of a nefarious plan to destroy you. Nope. Not at all. TOM: Don't you get it, Mike? In this fan-fic, it won't... [cuts off] > "Really?" TN asked, skeptical. "We could use your help." >She leapt off the rope and landed in the straw bales that she had placed there >to cushion her fall. She stood up, brushing the straw off herself, and looked at >me hopefully. > "Yes." he said. "I, too, have lost allies to the Red Eye." [All noise in the theater stops suddenly.] MIKE: Umm...Tom? Servo? [He shakes him a little. Nothing happens.] >TurtleNinja looked at me again and I had no choice but to agree. I could never >resist that look she gave me a few seconds ago. [Everyone ignores the story entirely.] CROW: Do you think he's... MIKE: No, can't be... [swallows.] > We then gathered the spare weapons >that she had hidden in a secret compartment in the northeast corner of the gym. >None of us had known about it and we promised not to tell anyone. MIKE: We...we gotta get out of here. This is an emergency! [Mike lifts Tom; he and Crow rush out of the theater.] > I knew that someday, I would >have to face my brothers and Splinter. And I knew the day was soon. [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL. Mike is still holding Tom's prone, lifeless form. Crow stands dejectly beside him.] MIKE: It can't be...it just...can't be... CROW: He just...gave up. No explosion...no nothing. Just plain gave up. MIKE: He was right there, and there was nothing I could do to save him. [Starts to cry.] Nothing...anyone could have done... CROW: It's the fan-fic! It's this terrible, false-ending, bad characterization fan-fic! It was *supposed* to be done, but, then...it wasn't! And then there was the Shredder, and he... he... MIKE: ...he just gave up. [Deep 13. The three villains are gloating.] PEARL: And then there were two, eh, Nelson? [laughter] FORRESTER: Finally, we've taken out one of those incipid robots, for good! [laughter] SHAO KAHN: Yes; I'm so glad your friends are enjoying my little story... [more laughter] [SoL. Mike has layed Tom down on the table, and somehow he is surrounded by flowers. Gypsy is now on-screen and wearing a black veil. Crow is sobbing into a handkerchief.] MIKE: [To the Mads.] *You.* You did this. You and your fan-fiction... [advances on the camera] You and your Outworldian evil... [Switch to overhead spiraling camera!] MIKE: KAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!! [Deep 13.] [General laughter.] PEARL: Cheer up, Mike. After all, your short friend is the lucky one. SHAO KAHN: [thickly, rubbing his hands together] *You* still have four and a half more "parts" to read. [SoL.] CROW: [Through his tears] You...can't. How could you? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Just *watch* us. PEARL: Oh, we'll be fair...just this once... We'll give you the commercial break to mourn. Then, it's *back* into HELL. Mwa ha ha! SHAO KAHN: Enjoy the break, Nelson... It could very well be your last. [SoL. Audio overlay of villanous laughter while Mike, Crow, and Gypsy mourn, and the commercial sign begins to flash. Fade out.] [Commercials.] [Mike and Crow enter the theater.] MIKE: Best thing now is to just keep our heads up and keep riffing. CROW: Right...right...it's like the Swamp in the Neverending story, right? If you don't let the sadness of the fan-fic get to you, no matter what, the fan-fic can't win. Right? > > >* * * MIKE: Right, Crow. Besides, it's the anticipation that kills you with a story like this. What you imagine is to come is worse than what's in front of you. CROW: So we just keep the jokes coming... MIKE: Tom... Tom would have wanted it that way. > > "Hai! I can't wait to fight the Red Eye!" TurtleNinja cried fiercely. >She did a series of backflips and landed a flying kick in a practice dummy's >chest, finishing it with a "Ya!" CROW: Oh. This from the girl who wasn't looking forward to any fighting in Mortal Kombat. MIKE: I guess when you're killing your own family, it's less of a problem. > "TurtleNinja, shh." I whispered. >We were heading back to the Weapons Shed, which was silhouetted in the early >light of the rising sun. The mists of the early morning had not yet cleared. >We were crossing the most dangerous part of the farm behind the cattle yard, MIKE: Yes, defintely have to watch out for all those killer cows. CROW: The cows are not what they seem... > where we were most in view. >And that's where we were seen. My brothers were just entering the Barn when Raphael >spotted us. > "Hey, who are they ?" he asked the others. CROW: [Raphael, stupid] Uhh...Duh... Is dat duh Power Rangers? > "It's Michaelangelo and TurtleNinja!" Donatello exclaimed angrily. "How did they >get Shredder on their side? And who's their friend?" MIKE: Good lord! It's Howdy Doody! >There was only one thing to be done. We bolted for the Room as fast as we could. But >not fast enough. > "So that's where they've been hiding!" Leonardo exclaimed angrily. CROW: Hiding in plain sight. Geniuses! >They were after us in no time. There was no use in trying to hide. We would have to >face them. Donatello led the attack. It was aimed for me and I couldn't defend it. I >was knocked to the ground and Donnie was on top of me. > "You were dead once," he snarled. MIKE: Really? Did we miss that chapter? CROW: "Chapter One. Left for Dead." MIKE: Oh...oh, yeah! > "And now I'm gonna finish you once and for all!" >He pulled out his bo and raised it over his head. Just as he was bringing it down, I >kicked my feet up and flipped him over my head. The others were not faring much >better. TurtleNinja was trying her hardest to fend off the attacks of Leonardo MIKE: ...for a change. > and Tur >lay on the ground, unconscious. Shredder was trying his best to fight off Splinter, >who was clawing his left arm. CROW: Now, remember: Shredder's a Good Guy. > He quickly sent the rat reeling backwards with a hard >shove. But Donnie was not even fazed. I had just enough time to leap out of the way >as he flew at me. And then Raphael came at me. He picked me up, lifted me above his >head, and began to spin me. MIKE: Wheee! CROW: [Michaelangelo impression] Cowa-buuuuuunnngggaaaaaa!! MIKE: Whoa! Don't do that! CROW: Someone had to. > As I spun, I could see the world flashing before me. >Suddenly, he let go and I went flying in the direction of TN, where I landed with >a thud! I couldn't get up. Donnie and Raph walked over to me. They lifted me above >their heads and prepared to throw me to the ground when... > "Stop! MIKE: [Singing] ...in the name of love... > And let the Red Eye cease to live within you!" CROW: [Evangelist] Do you reject the Red Eye and all its Evils? Lemmie hear an *Amen!* >It was TN. She had Turtana's amulet and was holding it in front of Donatello and >Raphael's eyes. The amulet gave off a strange, red mist and she stood there, as if >in a trance. CROW: Mooon...healling.... MIKE: Don't go there, Crow. CROW: I'm serious! Next on TN's authorial agenda is a TMNT/Sailor Moon crossover where *she's* the most important Scout! MIKE: Criminy, Crow...do you want to get us both *killed?* CROW: It's true! > Suddenly, she dropped the amulet and fell to the ground, unconscious. >I looked at Donnie's eyes, then Raph's. They were still red, but flickering. >Suddenly, their eyes closed and they fell to the ground, bringing me with them. CROW: [Evangelist] Fellow worshippers, with just a smaaal donation, you too can be heaaaled! >The mist closed about us, but the Red Eye was gone from them. But Leonardo and >Splinter were still left. > "You won't get us that easily!" Leonardo shouted. >With my brothers weak, TurtleNinja unconscious, and me hurt, we had no chance. Even >though Turtana and Shredder were still left, the two of them could not fight both my >brother and Splinter. MIKE: Don't see why not. CROW: Might end the story too quick. > But Leonardo was gone. As was Splinter. They had vanished out >of sight, leaving without a sound. They both could sense the amulet's power and knew >that they were no match for it...yet. I realized this as I bent down and picked up >TN's amulet. TurtleNinja really was someone very special. CROW: Oh, that she is. >Chapter 7 >Tur's Cousin > CROW: Who is "TurtleNinja," Alex? MIKE: [Alex Trebek] Correct! Choose again. CROW: I'll take "Predictable Outcomes" for 200. > >Somehow, Turtana and I managed to get everyone back to the Room. I was injured and >in pain, but Donatello and Raphael were back. Shredder had a series of long cuts on >his left arm from when Splinter had clawed him, MIKE: And remember... CROW and MIKE: That's a *bad* thing. > but that was the least of our >worries. Raph and Donnie remembered nothing from the time Leonardo had shown them >the Eye, and it was hard explaining to them what had happened. CROW: ["explaining"] See, the Shredder saved *all* of us! MIKE: [Raph] No way! > In the end, we all >agreed that the Red Eye must be stopped. TurtleNinja was the worst off of all of us. >The amulet had drained all her energy and she was in a coma for a couple of weeks. BOTH: [Cheering noises] >All that time, I sat on the dirt floor by her side of the bed I had placed her on. >I only moved to eat. I never slept exept for short catnaps. But I was never sad. CROW: In fact, I was pretty happy. I was waiting for her to die. >Turtana had a cousin, the Last Master of the Tirjils. Yes, it was true. We knew >little about TN's past and it was not known whether or not she had been adopted as >a child. CROW: [little kid voice] You're adopted! MIKE: [little kid] Am not! CROW: [little kid] Are too! Your *real* daddy worked in the sewers...and then... he moved to the Bermuda Triangle because he didn't love you! MIKE: [little kid] Mooooommm.... > When she finally awoke, Tur and the others were out getting food and supplies. > "Where am I?" she asked sleepily. She looked around the room, confused. > "TurtleNinja! You're alive!" I exclaimed. I stood up and leaned down to [Mike and Crow sit up in alarm] > hug her. BOTH: [sigh of relief] >I then sat down on the bed next to her. > "Where's Turtana?" she asked. "Was she captured by Leo and Splinter?" >She had placed her hands on my shoulders and buried her face in my chestplate, crying. MIKE: Ow. Those things are hard. >I had a tough time trying to calm her down. > "No." I said, putting my arms around her. "The others went out with her to get food >and supplies." > "What if they're spotted by the Eye?" she asked, her voice muffled. CROW: [falsetto] Or...worse...what if they're striped! Or plaid! I can't handle plaid! > "Turtana and Shredder know what to do." I said quietly. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] They'll come home cryin' to powerful, powerful *you.* > She looked up at me and I >gently wiped the tears from her eyes. After a bit of silence, TurtleNinja spoke. CROW: [TurtleNinja] What do you suppose was really in Marellus' briefcase? > "I know what I have to do. I have to stop the Red Eye where it started, but I'm >not sure where that is." > "I know, but wait until you are better. If you don't, they'll finish you off in >mere seconds!" CROW: Uhhh...on second thought...go now! > "Leo and Splinter have managed to escape me this time, but next time, next time, >I shall defeat them both!" she said in a fierce whisper before pulling me closer to her. MIKE: Hey...I thought she was hot for Leonardo! >I wondered what Leo and Splinter were doing at this very moment, CROW: No, looks like, in this version, Michaelangelo's hot for Leonardo. MIKE: Eeeeeww! > but I could only wait. > > >Chapter 8 >The Final Battle? MIKE: Oh, don't tease us so. > >Leonardo walked down the dark corridor. Vents and pipes ran along the ceiling, amongst >a series of wires. CROW: Hey, it's the lab in Resident Evil! MIKE: How come we come up with all the *good* crossovers? > "Master Arjuna wants you in the Training Room." >Leo wheeled around to face a tirjil soldier. Leo did not like to be disturbed and he >took the tirjil by the collar before pinning him up against the wall. CROW: Wow! Tirjils are really short! What are the turtles...four-foot-six? MIKE: Thereabouts. > "What did you say?" he snarled. > "Master...Master Arjuna..he wants you in the Training Room." the tirjil said, >stuttering. >Leo dropped the tirjil and continued along the corridor until he came to some double >doors. MIKE: [signing] Double your pleasure, double your fun... CROW: Remember, there are at least two self-inserts in this story; don't give him any ideas! MIKE: Oh, right. > He pushed them open and stepped into a large room with mats and sparring >dummies which was the Training Room. CROW: There are a lot of dummies in this story. MIKE: Including *us* for reading it. > "Leonardo! Come and stand before me." Leonardo looked around the edge of the >room. CROW: [Deep voice a la Arjuna] Now...do your little happy dance... > All the tirjils were gathered to watch. Splinter was at the side of the mats, >not too far from the platform on which stood the Master. He stood in the middle of >the platform, wearing a black robe. What that robe concealed had never been seen by >Leonardo. MIKE: I would consider that to be a *good* thing. > Leo knew that was him. The one who had first shown him the Eye. Leonardo >hated him with all his heart, but could not turn away from him. CROW: He was being *forced* to look at him by an evil mad scientist and his evil mother, and the evil ruler of the evil Outworld... [sob] > He was Arjuna. >Leonardo walked towards the center of the mats and stood before the Master. MIKE: ThE MAsteR wOuLd NoT apPrOVE of YoUr NiNjA TuRTleS... CROW: Stop that, Mike. > "I have heard some news about you. You have lost your brothers to TurtleNinja, >your reptilian sister. For this, you shall be punished!" MIKE: [very effeminate Arjuna] I'm going to give you such a slap! >Arjuna had stepped down from the platform and stood in front of Leonardo, his hand >raised. Leonardo stood with his eyes closed, expecting the blow. It never came. > "Father! No!" >Leonardo opened his eyes. Arjuna was no longer looking at him. The Master was >looking past him. Suddenly, he dropped his hand and said; > "One more chance, Leonardo. One more chance." CROW: [Arjuna] And then, it's *in* to the rabbit suit with you! >Then he turned and fled the room, his robe flowing behind him. Leonardo turned to >see who had spoken the words. He noticed a small figure dressed entirely in black. >He knew who it was. MIKE: Hebert Villechez. > Sashi. MIKE: Damn! CROW: Oh, right! The *other* beautiful female turtle in this fan-fic. MIKE: Maybe we should be taking notes. > "You saved my life!" he managed to say. MIKE and CROW: Shut up! > "No time for talk. The ones you have lost may find you here. Let's lead them away. >It is time to leave." >They left with Splinter to a grassy meadow not too far from Turtle Farm. MIKE: Oh, the Turtles own *that,* too. > At the >same time, we were being led there by TN's newest ability from the use of the amulet; >psychic tracking. CROW: Damn psychic abilities...they multiply like rabbits! > Arjuna had noticed his daughter's absense and was also led to the >meadow. When we all had gathered, we all knew that we had no choice but to fight. >TurtleNinja was the first one to take action. As before, she raised the amulet and >held it in front of the approaching Red Eyes. MIKE: You are getting very sleepy... CROW: Sleep! *Sleeeeep!* > Her eyes flickered and she moved as >if in a trance, then the amulet released the mists. Suddenly, she groaned and >collapsed to the ground. The mists settled around us as I ran to find Turtle, MIKE: Which Turtle? There are four, if I'm not mistaken. CROW: In this story? Try twenty. >Leonardo, and Splinter. > "Donnie, get Leo. Raph, get Splinter. Let's get them home." I said softly. >We carried them back to Turtle Farm and I knew that the end had yet to come. TN had to >go to Yumana and stop the Red Eye there. CROW: Just what this fan-fic needs! Space travel! > > >Chapter 9 >A New Mission > MIKE: Yay! CROW: Why not? >We got back to our home at Turtle Farm before Arjuna came looking for us. We were >still afraid of them, even though we were sure that the Red Eye had left him and >his followers. When Leonardo and Splinter woke up, TurtleNinja was still unconscious >and it was difficult explaining to them what had happened. CROW: She spends most of this story unconcious, doesn't she? MIKE: Yeah...kinda like... Like Tom... [Both sigh loudly.] > Slowly, they began to >understand my story of the clan of tirjils, the overthrow of the Red Eye on Yumana >and the amulet. CROW: See how much time we're saving by 'cut and pasting'? > Turtana told her story of how she got the amulet to give it to TN, >the Last Master of the Tirjils. > "Why is TurtleNinja unconscious? CROW: Because the audience *hates* her, you twit! > Why won't she wake up and forgive me for what >I've done to her?" Leo asked, frustrated. > "It's not your fault, Leo. We are to blame as well." Donatello said. >Donnie was quieter than usual and remained in the bedroom with TN. He never left her >side. Finally, one afternoon, he kissed her on the cheek, letting someone else watch >over her. CROW: Oh! Oh...oh, no! MIKE: This is really, really *wrong...* > He took her amulet and studied it carefully, looking for something that >would give him a clue as to why it defeated the Red Eye...something that seemed so >undefeatable. Splinter offered to watch TN, CROW: --do her crazy lap dance. Woo-hoo! > but Leo said no. > "Master, I think I should be the one to watch after her." Leonardo said. CROW: [singing] Someone to waaaaatch over me... MIKE: This author has some *strange* fantasies, doesn't she? >He looked over at TurtleNinja, who hadn't moved one inch since I had placed her on >the bed three days ago. She was still unconscious and he was afraid that she wasn't >going to get well. MIKE: Cancel "afraid," try, "thrilled." > He thought that the amulet's power was slowly draining the life >from her. That night, Shredder left us. He returned alone to his underground >fortress, which was now empty. MIKE: The Technodrome? CROW: No, I think in this fan-fic, it's called "Shredder Farm." > He didn't know it, but I had seen him say goodbye >to TurtleNinja when I got up to get a drink of water. CROW: ...What? > I stood just beyond the >doorway for awhile while he gave her the best of luck and pulled the blankets up >closer to her shoulders. As I watched, he removed his helmet and faceplate before >giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek. CROW: Gah! No! No! MIKE: The sadness, Crow! Don't let the sadness of the fan-fic get to you! CROW: I'm trying! But it's...just too hopeless! No end in sight! Everyone is sucking face with the self-insert, and it's *still* not *over!!* > I felt tears come to my eyes CROW: Me too, Michaelangelo! Me too! MIKE: You don't even have tear ducts, really... CROW: It doesn't mean it doesn't *hurt.* > as I realized >that the Prophecies of Yumana that Turtana had told us of had come true. It wasn't >because Shredder had lost allies, it was because he knew that TurtleNinja could >persuade us to help him and that defeating the Eye was more important than his >revenge on Splinter. MIKE: But, then again, in this story, so was just about anything! > I took a quick glance over at Leonardo and found that he was >sound asleep. During the next couple of weeks, Leonardo stayed by her side, never >leaving it exept for meals and a short catnap. CROW: Um...okay...but don't the cats bother Splinter? > Donnie was always studying TN's >amulet, wondering what gave it its power when he gave up, realizing that it was >TurtleNinja herself that gave the amulet power. Soon, our food supply ran out. CROW: And we died of starvation; the end. > We >had to get more. We left Leo and TN alone when she came out of her coma. CROW: Oh...eww!!! No! Not again! Please no! MIKE: The sadness... > Leo looked >up when he heard her yawn. He held her in his arms, crying, happy that she was going >to be okay. > "Leo! Where's everyone else?" she asked, confused. She looked around the room, a >little dazed. MIKE: [falsetto] Oh, I had the strangest dream! And...you were in it! And you! > "TurtleNinja, are you okay?" Leo asked. > "Yeah. I think so." CROW: Okay...that's it. I gotta get out of here before *I* lose it. I *thought* she was supposed to die. MIKE: She's the self-insert! She has to make it clear to the end! Look, just hang in there, okay? > "Good. We weren't sure that you were going to make it!" > "Leo, don't. I'm okay. Really. Where are the others?" MIKE: [Leo] They went to Mardi Gras. You were out for a long time. > "They're out getting food and supplies and Shredder left us a few days ago." > "Oh." > "TN, can you forgive me for what I did to you? Michaelangelo told us what had >happened." MIKE: Only he told his mega-incoherent version. CROW: [Michaelangelo impersonation] So, like, there were these dudes, okay? And, they were the Red Eye...then there was this mondo bizarro babe who told me that I had to find, like, the Master Bator of the Trijuls... It was totally tubular! MIKE: You do that a little *too* well. > Leo asked, sitting down on the bed next to her. > "Leo, I don't need to forgive you. You didn't hurt me or anyone else willingly. It >was the Red Eye that forced you to hurt us." she said softly. > "Rest now, TurtleNinja. You still have one final mission. To defeat the Red Eye on >Yumana." Leonardo said and TN understood what he meant. MIKE: I would hope so; he *was* speaking English, wasn't he? >They thought she had defeated the Eye, but I could still sense its evil. And it was nearby. > > >To Be Continued... > CROW: We don't take kindly to threats around here!! >Legend Of The Red Eye 2: The Return > > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: The author that just keeps on giving! > > >Chapter 1 >Fallen Warrior MIKE: We're back to chapter one? CROW: And people are fake-dying again! > > MIKE: Okay, I get it. Five parts; five chapters per half of part. CROW: We're both doomed, aren't we? >My brothers were back. In the aftermath of the Red Eye, Arjuna and his >followers agreed to stay on our planet until we could find a way of >getting to Yumana. Then, one afternoon, while Tur, TurtleNinja, and I >were looking for the old Room, TN stumbled upon a spaceship. Turtana >recognized it as her aunt Mataji's ship. CROW: [falsetto] You can tell because of the lovely interior decorating. > We decided to go >inside and see if we could use it to get to Yumana. Turtana said that >we could, but it was low on fuel. And what was the fuel? Plutonium. >One of the rarest elements on Earth. CROW: I thought that was Einstienium. MIKE: No, it's Californium. CROW: Krypton? CROW and MIKE: RADAR! > With >what fuel we had, we went through Mataji's video-notes. What we found >was stunning. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Whoa... I didn't know making a turtle and a cat *do* that was *legal!* >It seems that Mataji had not told me all she knew about the Eye and >the war on Yumana. > > "In the basement of City Hall, things are getting worse. Our food >supply is low and the Red Eye is claiming more and more of my people. >My 19 year old niece, Turtana, CROW: So, if Turtana is TurtleNinja's cousin, and Mataji is Turtana's aunt, it would follow that Mataji is TurtleNinja's mother, right? Or at least the sister of her mother. MIKE: You're paying that much attention? CROW: It helps me avoid unnessicary questions. MIKE: Like that last one? CROW: D'oh! >is getting anxious. Two of her friends were found dead last night. >I have to leave Yumana while I still can. I cannot stop the Eye, but >perhaps someone else can. My hope lies within a family heirloom, MIKE: She's betting her entire future on her great-uncle's Swiss beermug? > passed down through the generations. A >family legend says that it is the only thing that can stop the Eye when >possessed by the Last Master of the Tirjils. I have decided to give the >amulet to Turtana. Maybe she can find the one who can stop the Eye." > > "I have arrived on the planet known as Earth and now know that I am >not the only one. CROW: [Mataji] There seems to be a certain matter of around four billion human beings. But, no matter...they shall be destroyed... > My brother, Arjuna, has followed me here in search of his family. >The Red Eye is spreading on this beautiful planet. I have found a fallen >warrior who has lost his family to the Eye. I hope that he is the one >who can stop the Eye or knows who can. I hope that Turtana is able to >find me here and help this young turtle. CROW: [Mataji] I hope I can get out of here alive. I hope I am making sense. I hope that someday, I can have a pony. I would really like a pony. > He fades in and out of a >semi-conscious slumber and I am not sure that he is hearing and >understanding my story. It is unfortunate that I must leave him before >his wounds have completely healed. MIKE: [Mataji] We could've had one rockin' time...mmmmm... > Arjuna is looking for me and I >know that he will kill me. I cannot fight him. I hope that someone >will find these notes. I remember the Prophecies saying something about >the Last Master of the Tirjils and that they have unconditional love. CROW: They love everything! Ants, spiders, snakes, that funny mold that grows on your toothbrush...everything! >They will be the one to unravel this ancient evil that was started so >long ago. MIKE: The ancient, long-ago evil? CROW: The really old, ancient, antique, long-ago evil. MIKE: Thanks. > I..." > >Mataji's notes ended here. I wondered why she had predicted unconditional >love. True, TurtleNinja loved us as if we were her own family, CROW: And we loved *her,* too...rowr. > but she >couldn't help but wonder who her real family was. Even now, without >Leonardo, TN wished she knew where she belonged. With us, a bunch of >mutant turtles, or with this group of alien turtles, MIKE: ...or with that nice group of computer geeks at Heaven's Gate... > a family she had >never really known. Yet, there was another factor to deal with. For some >reason, she felt that she belonged with us, since she had developed a >strong psychic connection with Master Splinter. And even more so, she >loved Leonardo, CROW: Still? I was under the impression that it was all Shredder now. > despite what has happened to him now. > > >Chapter 2 >The Return of the Red Eye > CROW: Battle of the Return of the Son of the Red Eye TWO! MIKE: An Eye's Revenge. > >A week after we had discovered Mataji's ship, TurtleNinja took Leonardo >to see it. They went through the video-notes and TN told Leo that the >ship was our key to getting to Yumana. At this time, I was headed for >the ship with the others. I had just now remembered something I had >seen earlier and wanted their opinions on it. CROW: [effeminate Michaelangelo] Be honest; do these nunchucks make me look fat? > Just as we >reached the entrance, Leo rushed out with TN close behind. In our >collision, we failed to notice the alien turtle atop Mataji's ship. I heard a >faint, metallic snap, CROW: Ow! MIKE: What? CROW: Well, I'm a robot, and that sounds painful! > just before we were whisked upward in a net. My >head struck Turtana's elbow and everything went dark. > > >* * * MIKE: Except for the three pretty stars. > > >As I drifted into reality, I heard an earsplitting scream. CROW: Wow, Another one? This story must be some sort of scream breeding ground. > Now that I was >fully awake, I recognized the scream. Only one mutant I knew could scream >that loud. MIKE: Banshee! > TurtleNinja! MIKE: [Gomer Pyle] Surprise, surprise! CROW: [acidly] No, *I* would have figured it was Rocksteady and *Bebop.* > She was in the next room, screaming at >the top of her lungs for all she was worth. CROW: This statement brought to you by: Redundancy! MIKE: [Sob] That was Tom's line... CROW: [Sob] I know... >Suddenly, there was the sound of a slap and TN's grunt CROW: Oh, I *really* don't want to be witness to this. > of pain that >was followed by a loud thud. Across the hall, I heard the sounds of a fight. MIKE: Maybe if we get out of here now, we can skip this part. CROW: Oh, I owe you. [Crow and Mike leave the theater.] [*...2...3...4...5...6] [The final door opens, not on the Satellite of Love, but in a darkened, darkened room. The only thing visible is the prone form of Tom Servo. He slowly sits up.] TOM: Where...where am I? [A voice replies from nowhere that sounds a lot like Shao Kahn.] SHAO KAHN: Welcome, Tom Servo... to *death.* Now that my fan-fic has completely drained your will to live, your soul is *mine.* TOM: My...my soul? SHAO KAHN: That's right. I've come to drain your soul... TOM: No...no...you can't drain my soul! I... [thinks about it for a minute] TOM: Hey, wait a minute! I'm a robot! I don't *have* a soul! SHAO KAHN: You...you don't? TOM: No, of *course* not! When's the last time you've talked to a robot about his soul? You of all people ought to know about that. SHAO KAHN: You mean...I've done all this work to kill you, and you don't even have a soul? TOM: Nope. SHAO KAHN: Um...what about the other one? Does he have a soul? TOM: Crow? No, he's a robot, too! SHAO KAHN: [hopefully] ...Gypsy? TOM: Nope. Sorry. SHAO KAHN: Well...what about...Nelson? TOM: Mike? Yeah, he's a human, so I guess, technically, he's got a soul... SHAO KAHN: [echoing about the room] Bring to me the soul of Michael J. Nelson!! TOM: Oh, *bite me,* Shao Kahn. Now that I know you can't take my soul, there's nothing you can do to hurt me. SHAO KAHN: Oh, no? Well, there *is* something I can do. I can make you read the rest of "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology!" TOM: No! No! Anything but that! SHAO KAHN: [Maniacal laughter] [Fade out, and up to...] [SoL bridge. Mike is trying to fix Tom Servo any way he possibly can, while Crow and the beveiled Gyspy look on worredly. The situation looks pretty grim.] MIKE: Generators seem to be fine... All the wires are hooked up... His head's still here... Darn it, why won't he just *live?* CROW: [perks up suddenly] Hey... I just had an idea, you guys! MIKE: What? GYPSY: Lay it on us! CROW: Well, remember how in "The Mortal Kombat Crossover," the one way to cure death was to meditate about it? Maybe if we concentrate, really hard, we can bring Tom back to life! MIKE: You know...that's a great idea, Crow! I never even thought about that! CROW: Okay, okay, ready? Now, just close your eyes... [Mike closes his eyes; Crow rolls his back in his head. With Gypsy, you just can't tell. But, somehow...] TOM: [sits abruptly up] Whoa! Whew! What a nightmare! ALL: Tom!! [Mike gives Tom a hug.] MIKE: You're alive! TOM: Of course I'm alive! But... oh, I had the weirdest dream! Shao Kahn was trying to get at my soul...and he was going to make me read this terrible, terrible fan-fic... [notices the looks on everyone's faces.] Oh. It's true, isn't it? There's a fan-fic still out there... [Everyone nods gravely.] TOM: But...it can't be! MIKE: 'Fraid so, Servo. [fan-fic light flashes.] And we've got fan-fic sign. TOM: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Into the theater.] MIKE: [sitting Tom in his seat] It just wasn't the same without ya, pal. TOM: Thanks... it means a lot. > I heard the >door to the adjacent room open and I feigned unconsciousness to make sure >that I would be left alone if the guards came to check up on me. I was >lucky, for they headed in the opposite direction. I got up and ran into >the room where TurtleNinja was being held. TN was lying sprawled out >on the floor, unconscious. CROW: [falsetto] Oh, Michaelangelo, take me now! TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uh...no thanks. > Turtana ran up to me from her spot >in a nearby corner and told me what had happened. I picked up TN and ran >from the room, Turtana hot on my heels. Sirens blared, signaling MIKE: Movie sign!! >that the tirjils knew that we were on the loose. [Mike makes a blaring siren noise.] TOM: [cop voice] Be on the lookout for a suspicous-looking group of alien mutant turtles. Said to be armed with a funny-looking pendant that...does stuff. > We turned a >corner and came face-to-face with Leonardo. > "Leo! Boy, am I glad to see you!" I cried. >Leo's eyes flashed a fiery red. I could feel their hatred as they >burned into me. Off to my left, Turtana gasped, her eyes wide with fear. > "Oh, spit!" ALL: Ptouey! CROW: Oh...good shot! Hit TN right in the eye! >We turned around and ran towards the nearest exit, bowling over Donatello, >Raphael, and Splinter. I took a quick glance back and saw that Leo had >run up behind them and the four of them watched us run off, knowing that >we would meet again...sometime. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Gee, I hope they're not mad at me for abandoning them... > We ran across the yard of Turtle >Farm and into Turtle Grove, TOM: ...across Turtle Way and over to Turtle Mini-mall! > tearing through the trees as >fast as we could. CROW: [ripping noises] > I opened the door and we slipped inside. TurtleNinja >was just starting to come around as I gently lowered her to the bed. >Moaning softly, TOM: Oh...geez...why does there have to be all of *this?* CROW: At least you missed the kissing scene with Shredder. [Tom starts to panic.] MIKE: No, don't worry, Tom; Shredder's gone from the fan-fic now. [Tom visibly relaxes.] > she opened her eyes and looked into my eyes, confused. > "Mikey, is that you? What happened? The last thing I remember was that >battle in that room...the tirjils were trying to beat Turtana...I tried >to hold them off...one of them hit me." she said, gingerly rubbing her >slightly swollen cheek. CROW: [falsetto] I got a paper cut... Wanna see? > "You're okay, TurtleNinja. I found you and we brought you back to >Turtle Farm. We brought you to the Room- it was the safest place- MIKE: Plus it's quiet...dark... CROW: [falsetto] You tease! >it looks like the Red Eye is back TOM: [announcer voice] ...and thirsty for blood! >and more powerful than before." I said, taking TurtleNinja's hand >in my own. > "I know. The guys who hurt me were trying to show us the Eye. I >guess they became infuriated when they found out that we were both immune." > "We need help, and there's only one person I can think of who can do that. TOM: Ummm...uh-oh. MIKE: [Beep] Hi, this is Jim Rockford. I can't come to the phone, but leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you. *Beep* CROW: [Michaelangelo] Dude! We need your help in repelling an alien armada! Oh, and I lost my skateboard. Can you help me find it? >But how do we summon him?" MIKE: *Red* materia. Red. TOM: Oh...weak, Mike...sooooo weak! > "Don't worry, Mikey. I found a communicator beneath my pillow and I >think I know who it summons." CROW: Santa Claus! >TurtleNinja pulled a small communicator from her belt and pressed a >green button on the left side of the control pad. A faint beep on the >intercom signaled a connection. Suddenly, the screen blinked and Shredder's >face appeared on the tiny screen. CROW: [Lurch] You rang? > A surprised look crossed his face when >he saw who was summoning him. > "TurtleNinja! I see you found the communicator I left you. Is anything wrong?" he >asked. TOM: [cringes] No! I thought you said he was gone! MIKE: Well, we seem to be mistaken. TOM: Oh, curse you, TurtleNinja!! >"Yes. The Red Eye is back TOM: [announcer] ...and bigger than ever! > and has reclaimed the others. It's much >more powerful than before and we just got our shells whipped when we >tried to stop it. I need my amulet back. Are you finished with it?" she asked. >"Not yet. But I will be soon. I'm just working on the last few adjustments and it >will be done. MIKE: Shredder, Amulet mechanic at large. > When I'm finished, it'll be stronger than before TOM: But PH balanced for a woman! > to match the >Eye. Is there any specific place you want me to meet you at?" >"Yes. The Barn. CROW: Boy, with those capital letters, that Barn sounds like a hot new night spot. TOM: This Sunday is Ladies' Night at The Barn, with music supplied by Opie Gone Bad. > I have a little trap that we're gonna set for the >tirjils and you can meet us there. But hurry. We'll need your help and >those laser lights you have left over from awhile ago." MIKE: What? The planet's in danger and they're going to have a fancy light show? >"No problem. I'll be on the surface before you know it." >The communicator went dark. TN replaced it in her belt and we left for the >Barn. > >Chapter 3 >Fire In The Practice Room CROW: Fire in the hole! [Mike and Tom duck while Crow makes explosion noises.] > > >After Shredder arrived, TOM: [sigh] Here we go. > we brought the leftover laser lights inside the Barn. >We used TurtleNinja and Shredder's electronic know-how to string them in >strategic places in the gym. We had a large sound system, too. CROW: They're taking me seriously?! It was a joke guys! Really! MIKE: Crow, you're responsible for half the hotels in Vegas, aren't you? CROW: No! TOM: Suuure you're not. > I wanted >TN to sing one of the songs she had taped off the radio, ALL: No! TOM: Oh, please, no! CROW: So she's got all this "electronic know-how," plus, I'll bet she sings like an angel. MIKE: Right--a Charlie's Angel. > but she wouldn't. MIKE: Thank you! CROW: Gee, first Worf sings kareokie, and now TN does too. When will the horror stop? > Raphael told me that he had caught >her singing along to the tape and told me that she sounded good. Turtana >used her knowledge of physics to make a few booby traps in case the tirjils >got too rowdy. TOM: *Booby* traps in case the tirjils get *rowdy?* Do we even need to bother with that line? CROW: Insert off-color joke here. > But how were >we to get the tirjils to crash our party? Shredder had an idea. We >could program TN's communicator to transmit sound only and set it for >the tirjil headquarters. TOM: Oh, I get it! They beam TurtleNinja's singing right into the tirjils' heads, forcing them all to go mad and commit suicide. > Then we would talk about the party as if we >had no idea that the communicator was on and sooner or later, someone >was going to hear the transmission. As we did so, I couldn't help but >wonder if the Red Eye could see through our flimsy MIKE: --nightrobes. TOM: TN's "Shredder," in sheer silk. *There's* an image I could've done without. > plans to draw >it out of hiding. Shredder shut off the communicator and said; > "Mission accomplished. Now let's get this party on a roll." CROW: Woo-hoo! Kegger! >We were prepared for a fight with the tirjils, but we didn't realize >that Sashi and Arjuna were both going to attend. They had both heard our >transmission and decided to TOM: Get over here and pants us themselves. > accompany the tirjils to the Barn. But >there was one thing we didn't know about Sashi's psychic powers. TOM: Um...that they existed? CROW: *Female* equals psychic powers. You gotta pay attention, like me. TOM: I was unconcious for half the story, okay? MIKE and CROW: Just like TurtleNinja! > She could make it appear that her father could spit >fireballs and set the Barn on fire. CROW: Oh, I can see where *that* would be a tactical advantage... > > >* * * > >After finishing our preparations and traps, we decided to ready ourselves >for our party. I overheard TurtleNinja and Turtana as they decided what to wear. MIKE: Don't Ninja Turtles technically go naked most of the time? TOM: Well, not if they have someplace really important to go. CROW: Yeah, Mike, besides, these are *girls.* They're supposed to care about clothes and stuff. MIKE: How do *you* know so much about girls? CROW: Ummm... no reason. >TN had two outfits that she wanted to wear, but she couldn't wear them >both and we helped her decide. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Uh... I like the leather and fishnet myself...but that's just me. TOM: [Turtana] Oh, go for the one with the real snakeskin! >One was a green tunic that she had altered since she was mutated MIKE: Hold up. I thought she was an alien from the planet Yumana. CROW: Right, just a mutated one. MIKE: Oh. TOM: *Tunic*? > and the >other was a black robe that Leo loved to see her in. We all agreed on the green >tunic, since Leo wasn't going to enjoy seeing her in the black robe. CROW: He was going to enjoy seeing her *remove* the black robe. > At least, not tonight. >She wore the tunic and her amulet, hoping to test Shredder's improvements. MIKE: ...on the tunic. TOM: In his spare time, TN's "Shredder" is also a practiced tailor. > >* * * > >Now, with the party in full swing, we decided to see if the laser lights >still worked. One song that was now playing seemed to annoy both Leonardo >and Arjuna. [Everyone begins singing different songs at once, and an aprupt cacophony ensues.] MIKE: [singing] Don't tell my heart...my achey breaky heart... TOM: [singing] Dreams last for sooo loonnng... even after you're gone... CROW: [singing] Mmmm-bop! Bop, bop, Mmmm-bop! >I couldn't understand Arjuna's anger, but I knew why Leo was mad. The song >was one that reflected his position as our leader- TOM: On his back with his legs straight up in the air! It was a really hard position to hold for too long. [Crow is still singing "Mmmm-bop," and Mike clamps his beak shut.] > he knew we were >playing it to mock him. As the song ended, Arjuna whipped off his robe ALL: Gah! MIKE: [holding his arms up in front of his face] Watch where you flash that thing; people are watching! >to reveal his reptilian form- Sashi was nowhere to be found. After a >brief scuffle with him, TurtleNinja turned around to begin a duel >with Master Splinter. Infuriated, Arjuna spat a fireball at her. CROW: Oh, I get it. MIKE: I guess everyone forgot that Arjuna was a male character, and therefore *had* no powers of his own to use. >She looked up in time to see it coming and leapt out of the way. She >landed high up on the windowsill TOM: Windowsill 98! Crashes ten times more than Windowsill 95! > above the door. The tirjils ran out, >for the flames spread quickly. We, too, ran out, thinking that TurtleNinja >had fled with the tirjils. When I heard her terrified scream, I realized >that she was still inside. I looked up and saw her in the window above the >door. MIKE: Um...wouldn't she realize that the fire was fake, since it wasn't giving off any heat? CROW: How do you know; were you *there*? Maybe it was. > But I wasn't the only one who had heard her. Turtana and Shredder >had heard her, too. She flipped backwards to be below the billowing smoke. >But the flames were blocking the door by now. We couldn't rescue her. >Suddenly, I got an idea. CROW: Dehydrated egg subsitute! Just add water! It's brillant! We'll sell it by the truckload! > Kicking in a ground-level door, I ran >inside the lower level of the Barn and found the trapdoor that lead up >to the gym. There was so much smoke, I could hardly breathe. After what >seemed like forever, I finally found TN in the spot where she had landed. >She had sprained her ankle badly MIKE: Just like a *girl*; screams, falls, sprains her ankle... TOM: She's the reason why April O'Neil is never in these stories. > when she landed and I had to carry >her out. Doing so slowed me down and I wondered later how we made it >out alive. After leaping into the haybunk, I ran out into the cattle >yard, where Turtana and Shredder were waiting. I was coughing like crazy, >but I stopped when I found that TurtleNinja was no longer breathing. BOTS: Yes! >I gently tipped her head back and felt for a pulse. There wasn't one. BOTS: YES! MIKE: Aw, don't worry...she'll be fine. This is only her third near-death experience in this fan-fic. >Alarmed, I motioned for Shredder to get over to us and I whispered >the directions in his ear TOM: [whisper] You go right at the corner of Twelfth and Oakwood, and drive down about three blocks... Hoochie Koochie House is right there on the left; just look for the big neon sign! MIKE: [whisper] Thanks, man, I owe ya! > before leaning over TurtleNinja's limp body. > "1,2,3,4,5, breathe!" I said, counting as I pushed down on TN's >chestplate, hoping to get her breathing and heartbeat going again. CROW: Unfortunately, it turns out that a Yumanan's heart is in her right leg. >A few moments after we had begun, TurtleNinja coughed and she started >breathing again, but she didn't wake up. I looked up at Turtana, who >was watching the Barn burn to the ground. I turned back to TN, who seemed >to be okay now, thanks to my teamwork with Shredder. TOM: Hey, remember that episode of Ninja Turtles where Splinter and Shredder switched bodies, so the Turtles had to trust the Shredder, because he was really Splinter in his body, and they shook Shredder's hand, and it was all neat and heartwarming and stuff? MIKE: Ummmm...I think so... TOM: This is NOTHING LIKE THAT!! Uuuuuaaaaaagghhh!!! > I picked her >up and we returned to the Room. The tirjils were gone, they had fled >back to wherever it was that they came from. > > >Chapter 4 >Wake Up, TurtleNinja > CROW: [singing] Wake up, TurtleNinja, wake up! MIKE: [singing] The fan-fic wasn't so hot...it didn't have much of a plot... >Once we arrived at the Room, I laid TurtleNinja on the bed. I was going >to get rid of her ruined tunic CROW: Oh...jeez...not *another* bizarre fantasy! > when I realized that the zipper in the back had melted >in the heat of the blaze. I would have to cut the seams. Taking out my >ninja's dagger, I slit the seams and slid the tunic from TN's limp body. TOM: Ha! I was right! Jewel video! They were playing Jewel! MIKE: Fine, fine, you were right. > I pulled the blankets up around >her shoulders and then went to the bathroom to get an elastic bandage >and ice pack for her swollen ankle. I was so worried about TurtleNinja >that I didn't even bother to wash the soot from my own face. I wondered >what she was dreaming about MIKE: We don't. TOM: We already *know.* ALL: ALL FOUR TURTLES AT ONCE! [collective shudder] > as I gently pressed the ice pack to >her swollen ankle. After the swelling had gone down considerably, I removed >the ice pack and wrapped TN's ankle in the elastic bandage. She was >shivering and I brought her another blanket. I slid my chair closer to the >bed and stroked her reptilian cheek. CROW: Eeww...if she uses the word "reptilian" as an adjective one more time... > My belt and nunchakus were >hanging on the back of the chair, not in use for the time being. TOM: Gah! He's naked! CROW: They're *both* naked! >Suddenly, TurtleNinja awoke, still shivering. She struggled >to sit up, obviously in pain. > "Mikey, what's going on? Why am I here? What happened to the Barn?" she >asked. > "Shh. It's okay now, TurtleNinja. Everything's gonna be okay now. >Look we kinda had...well, CROW: Look, we ran over the puppy. No, it's okay! We'll buy you a new one! > you'll understand when I tell you. TN, >when I brought you out to Turtana and Shredder in the cattle yard, you >weren't breathing and you didn't have a pulse. Shredder and I...we MIKE: [Michaelangelo] ...tossed a coin over who got to keep ya. Obviously, I lost. >saved your life." >TurtleNinja bent down, buried her head in her hands and began to cry. >I slipped my arms around her, comforting her. > >* * * TOM: Guys, I think we have totally run out of asterisk jokes. CROW: Yeah...we're never going to make it. MIKE: Don't say that! The sadness! > >Later, after I had talked to TN, Shredder and Turtana returned from the >Weapons Shed. I told them of what we had discussed and they told me that >there was virtually nothing left of the Barn. We all agreed to go through >the rubble CROW: Barney Rubble...or Betty? TOM: Rowr. > and see if there was anything >that could be saved. I told them that I would have to stay behind and >watch TurtleNinja. In her condition, she wouldn't be able to leave her >bed for some time. > TOM: I would have to bring the lovin' straight to her. MIKE: Hey, guys, can we try for clean riffs for the next few chapters? TOM: With this material? CROW: We can *try,* but no promises. >* * * > > >I sat next to TN, watching her chestplate rise and fall with her rhythmic >breathing. CROW: See what I mean? MIKE: Try harder. >Suddenly, she awoke and began to shiver. I couldn't bring her another >blanket because she had her own plus the spares and I couldn't take any >from Turtana or Shredder's room. I brought her one of mine, but that didn't >seem to help. I looked at her >helplessly and she understood. > "Y'know, I keep thinking about what happened between us the last time >we fought the Eye." I said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uh...I'm real sorry about that whole "screaming and running off into the night like a wuss" thing. It won't happen again. > "Yeah. I keep thinking about it, too." she said. CROW: [falsetto] Michaelangelo, do you remember what you said to me on the balcony that night? TOM: [Michaelangelo] Nope. CROW: [falsetto] Me niether. >We sat in silence for awhile when, suddenly, the sound of the front 'door' >opening brought TurtleNinja to sit up. I sat down next to her and gently >pushed her back, whispering; > "Just lie back and act like you're asleep. If they come in to check on us, MIKE: --I'll just say I drugged you. They'll understand. >they won't stay long." >She relaxed on the pillow. Then, lying down on a cot nearby, I closed my >eyes and feigned sleep. She snuggled under the blankets as the door to >our room opened. CROW: So, all the bedrooms are co-ed. MIKE: Why not? > A beam of light shown down on us as Shredder and >Turtana peered in. I heard part of their conversation before I fell asleep. > "Blast the luck, TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, the only in-character Shredder line in the whole story. CROW: [Shredder] Blast the luck; I've been written into this fan-fic! > they're asleep. I guess we'll have to show them what >we found in the morning." Shredder said. > "Don't worry about it. At least we got away before those tirjils found >out where we were." Turtana said. MIKE: [falsetto] Now let's you and me run off to our co-ed bedroom. > "I know. We got rid of them in a hurry. The smoke bomb I made worked >better than I thought it would. Goodnight, Turtana." CROW: Goodnight, Ma. > "Goodnight." TOM: Goodnight, John-boy. >I heard the doors to their rooms shut and I knew that we had a lot of work >to do before we finally defeated the Red Eye. > > >Chapter 5 >TurtleNinja's Premonition MIKE: [falsetto] I see that you're having some family problems... CROW: [falsetto] Yes! I am! MIKE: [falsetto] Now is she modeling, or you? Because I sense there's a model in this somewhere. > > "Nooo!" >I was jolted from my sleep by TN's scream. TOM: We're up to at least five of those already. At this point, I would stop considering it something *unusual.* > She was sitting up in bed, >breathing hard and bathed in a cold sweat. > "TurtleNinja! It's okay! You've had a nightmare. It's okay, I'm here." >I said, slipping my arms around her. She was trembling all over. > "No. This was no ordinary nightmare. TOM: [announcer] It's *Super* Nightmare! > Not like this. No nightmare >could be this vivid and frightening. CROW: [TurtleNinja] It was the one where I'm at the dentist in my underwear again! I *hate* that nightmare! > Michaelangelo, it was a premonition. Someone out >there is trying to tell me what is going on and what's going to happen to >us real soon." she said, her eyes wide with fear. >TN's strange actions scared me. I had never seen her act like this before. MIKE: Yeah, she's been studying Stanislavsky. > "Then tell me your dream. Perhaps if you tell me, it will go away. TOM: [refined] Seattle, I'm listening. >That works for me... just try it." I said softly. > "Okay, if you think it will help." > "Don't worry, it will." > "It was about Splinter. He was running along the riverbank, CROW: --buck naked! MIKE and TOM: Ew! > by a pool not >too far from Ninja Garden. TOM: Classic! They just don't make games like that one anymore. > I couldn't tell who or what he was >running from, but it was soon made clear that it was a group of tirjils. >Suddenly, an arrow came flying his way. CROW: [Makes a noise as if struck, then, weakly, with British accent] Message for you, sir... > He stepped back to avoid being >shot in the foot and fell backwards into the pool. The ice broke beneath >his weight and he disappeared into the murky water. The tirjils, thinking >that he was dead, left. Soon, Splinter resurfaced and collapsed onto the ice. >I couldn't really tell what was happening now, but I think he was trying >to crawl up on the bank, succeeding in getting himself all muddy. Finally, >he gave up and slid back onto the ice, exhausted. MIKE: [splashing noises] > Suddenly, it started to snow and he >closed his eyes for the last time, defeated. CROW: [hoarse falsetto] Jack! Jack! A boat! No! Jack! A boat! > I could only watch in horror as his >breathing slowed and then stopped. He was dead. TOM: Wow. Dead for the second story in a row. CROW: Splinter has some bad luck in these fics. > Frozen and caked with mud." MIKE: Oh, that's not so bad! Maybe if you meditated real hard, he'd come back to life! > she said and >slumped into my arms, crying. > "It's okay, TN. No matter what happens, we won't lose Splinter." I >said, running my hands along her shoulders and down to her hands. >She looked into my eyes lovingly, her eyes shining with tears. TOM: Oh, no; Oh no, this is starting to get scary again... > I rained >a series of kisses from her temples to her throat to her cheeks to her lips. ALL: Gah!!! [Various cries of protest.] TOM: I thought I *missed* the kissing sequences! >Smiling softly, she turned around and laid down. I turned around, walked >back to my cot and laid down on my side. TurtleNinja was not the only >one worried about Master Splinter. I was, too. The thought of him dying >did not stay with me long as I drifted into a >deep, troubled sleep. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Ew...I kissed TN; what was I *thinking?* > >* * * > CROW: Uh-oh...I sense it's time to load up the dream sequence... TOM: [Michaelangelo] At the dentist's, in my underwear? Whoa--not again! >Turtana, Shredder, and I were running along the river, running away >from something. I couldn't tell what it was; all I knew was that we had >to get away and fast. Suddenly, we all heard a loud noise, like that >of a small motor. CROW: [singing] Hear the engines roll now! TOM: [echo] Hear the engines roll now! MIKE: Huh? BOTS: Don't ask. > It grew louder until it was the only thing we >could hear. Then a snowmobile appeared from around a bend. > "Leonardo?" >I was right. The rider was Leonardo. TOM: Wow! Picked out the turtle on the first try! CROW: Yeah, even I know Leonardo's the one in *blue.* > The others were not with him. >Shredder leapt aboard as Leo drove by. MIKE: Hey, it's the speeder-bike sequence in Star Wars! > A few seconds later, the snowmobile came to >a stop and the two of them rolled to the ice, grappling with each other. >Suddenly, Leo kicked his feet up, sending Shredder into the snowmobile, >knocking him unconscious. MIKE: And, remember... ALL: That's a *bad* thing. > I knew for sure that he wouldn't be coming >to our rescue anytime soon. But before I could gather my wits, Turtana >attacked. Leo easily lifted her above his head and threw her >to the ice. MIKE: [Leonardo/Hulk] Leo *smash!* > She, too, was rendered helpless and now both of my >companions were gone. I was the only one left to fight Leonardo, our >fearless leader. How sarcastically I say that now, TOM: [laugh] They *always* said that sarcastically. CROW: [whiny-voice] Yes, *fearless leader;* whatever you say, *fearless leader*... > for he didn't act >like the leader. Never in my life had I felt so alone. Leo attacked with a >flying kick, followed by a slide kick on the ice. MIKE: Sub-Zero! BOTS: Aaaaaaaahh! > I tried to >counterattack, but he was too fast and too strong. He picked me up >and threw me at his snowmobile. At the last possible second, I pulled >myself into my shell, MIKE: How does that work, anyway? All those limbs fit in there? TOM: Don't question that; they do it all the time. CROW: Yeah, if it happens on the cartoon, Tom thinks it's *real.* TOM: It *does* happen on the cartoon! > saving myself from injury. Before I could react >though, Leo came over and picked me up, realizing that I was unhurt. >Before I knew what was happening, he threw me to the ice and like Turtana, >I could not take the force that went through my body. TOM: [Darth Vader] Surrender to the Dark Side of the Force. > I closed my >eyes and let a peaceful darkness slip over me. TOM: [a little surprised] Oh. Heh...what do ya know? > >* * * > > >As I drifted into reality, I felt a pair of warm hands holding one of mine. > "Michaelangelo, open your eyes." MIKE: [softly] --We're at gramma's... >The voice was but a whisper, but nevertheless, I knew who it was. >TurtleNinja. I opened my eyes and looked into hers. Her hand gently brushed >over my face, wiping away the mistwater. CROW: [falsetto] Sorry...I sneezed. > I realized that I was now >lying on a grassy hill in the middle of Ninja Garden. TOM: I wish they would quit dragging that game into this. CROW: What are you going on about now? TOM: Ninja Gaiden! > "TurtleNinja?" > "Yes, Michaelangelo. It's me." MIKE: Who did you *think* it was, Elvis? >She knelt beside me and whispered in my ear; "Get up, follow me. I'll >take you away from the Eye." TOM: [falsetto] Calgon; take me away! >When I looked up, she was gone. There were bright flowers everywhere >and a bamboo walkbridge that crossed a Turtlemade stream. CROW: ...'cause it wasn't "manmade." Get it? > The stream >flowed through a steamy pool that was in front of me. There was a clay dam >at the end of the pool. Suddenly, TurtleNinja's head broke the surface >of the pool. [Bots make shattering noises.] MIKE: Ow! > I climbed into the pool and swam up to her. I stood >and was surprised at how deep the seemingly shallow pool was where we >were standing. > > >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye 2 > MIKE: [announcer] Return of the Grandson of the Legend of the Red Eye's *Revenge!* >Legend Of The Red Eye 2: The Return Of The Eye TOM: [announcer] I *Still* Know What the Red Eye Did Last Summer. > >By: TurtleNinja > CROW: As if we could *forget!* >The water was up to our shoulders. I held her by her upper arms. Her hands >slid up my stomach and came to a stop on my chestplate. BOTS: Umm...uh... MIKE: Remember guys, clean riffs! Clean riffs! > Surprisingly, >the pool was warm. She reached over and brushed the water from my >cheek again. CROW: [falsetto] ...Sorry...I sneezed again! MIKE: Good one! > My closed eyes snapped open, for I couldn't feel her >anymore. I looked around and saw her by the dam. I dove underwater >and when I surfaced next to the dam, TurtleNinja was not there. I climbed >out and stood on the dam, dripping wet. She was nowhere to be found. ALL: "Damn!" >   "Michaelangelo." >Her voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I looked behind >myself and saw TN in the stream a few feet from the dam. She splashed >water at me TOM: [TurtleNinja] Tee, hee...now you're wet. > and when I looked for her, she was swimming in the >direction of the river. >   "Wait! Don't go that far, TN!" >But she kept going, as if she wanted me to follow. MIKE: I think she wants us to follow! TOM: What is it, Lassie? What is it, girl? Timmy fall down the old well again and get hypnotized by the Red Eye? > Suddenly, she turned CROW: --into a gorilla! >around and swam back in my direction. But before she got to me, something >held her back. She kept swimming towards me, trying to escape the current. >   "Michaelangelo!" >She continued to swim towards me, but it was too late. For a brief second, our >our fingertips brushed and then...she was gone. Swept away by the red >current of the red river. TOM: "Red star, *fall!* Stain the earth... *RED*!!" > >*   *   * > > >I awoke and bolted upright, bathed in a cold sweat. CROW: Two dream sequences for the price of one! > I turned and looked >down at TurtleNinja, who was sleeping peacefully. [Bots make snoring noises.] > I laid back down and drifted >back into another troubled sleep. MIKE: Another one? TOM: Load next dream sequence! > >Chapter 6 >TurtleNinja Finds Splinter CROW: ...and Michaelangelo finds Waldo. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, yeah! He's the one with only *one* shoe! > >The next morning, when I was able to figure out the meanings of our >dreams, Turtana and Shredder told us of what they had found. The gym was >still intact. Everything was as it had been before the party. It was as if >Arjuna's fire had not existed. It was all an illusion. All of what happened >at the party had been an illusion. Then what about what happened to TN? >Was that an illusion, too? TOM: [Michaelangelo] ...even the part about Jennifer Connely and David Bowie in the ballroom? > She decided to >go on retreat at Ninja Garden MIKE: In a burst of creativity, they didn't call it "Turtle Garden." > so she could clear her mind. She could handle herself >if she ran into some of the Red Eye TOM: *Some* of the Red Eye? I don't think I *get* the Red Eye. CROW: Well, it's like this taint, that, like, seeps into you. But at the same time, it's this group that kinda carries the taint. Get it? TOM: No. CROW: Me niether, but I pretend. > ...she had her amulet. > >* * * > > >TurtleNinja walked along the river, following it to a smaller stream that >would take her to Ninja Garden. She walked on her snowshoes, keeping her >balance well with the slope of the riverbank. TOM: I was under the impression that Michaelangelo was narrating this story. MIKE: Eh, he couldn't make it to this scene; he was busy. > After being at Ninja >Garden for a full day and night, she decided to return, knowing that it >would be unwise to leave Turtle Farm unguarded. CROW: [falsetto] Geez, "protect the castle"; "protect the castle"; what is Hudson's obsession? >She was on her way home when, suddenly, she caught her left snowshoe on something, >causing her to fall facedown in the snow. MIKE: [Pointing at her; a la Nelson from The Simpsons] Ha, ha! > Brushing the snow from her face, >she reached back and pulled an arrow from the snow. Curious, she looked >down at the markings on the feathers. With a gasp, she realized that the >arrow was one of the ones that the tirjils used. She suddenly remembered >that there was a natural pool not too far from where she was. TOM: Unfortunately, it was *Deadpool.* MIKE: [snicker] CROW: [newscaster] Obscure Marvel anti-hero beats the living crap out of cheesy self-insertion TMNT character. Film at eleven. > Standing up, she looked around and saw the slope of >the pool. She usually stayed away to keep from falling in, MIKE: She's the only Ninja Turtle who *can't* swim. > but this >time she went down the slope, knowing that the pool was frozen over. She >didn't see anything unusual, just snow and whiteness everywhere. She was >about to turn back when something grabbed ahold of her ankle. It was a >hand. A furry hand. TOM: [Gomez] Thing, did you get into the Rogaine again? > She looked down and saw the furry hand sticking >out of the snow and it was firmly holding her ankle. CROW: Chewy rises from the icy Hothan grave...thirsty for blood... > She gently pulled >it off and knelt down on the snow. MIKE: [thinking] Is "Hothan" a word, Crow? CROW: Eh, probably not. > She then brushed the snow off the >hand and the arm connecting it to a furry body. Soon, she had uncovered >a bloody mass of fur and mud. TOM: Eeew...somebody ran over a Muppet... >   "TurtleNinja." >She stumbled back. Whatever she had uncovered knew who she was and had >spoken her name. CROW: [singing] Where everybody knows your name... > Then, she saw those eyes. Those warm, caring, loving eyes. MIKE: Those pussy, mucus-filled eyes. >Those eyes that would haunt her for the rest of her life. >   "Splinter." >He had been stripped down, beaten, CROW: They had to strip him naked before they beat him? MIKE: Remember what you're reading, Crow. > and left for dead; left to freeze in >the oncoming winter storm. Taking out a blanket that she had brought along, TOM: [Church-lady] Isn't that conveiiieent? >TN wrapped him in it before picking him up to carry him home. How he had >managed to escape the Red Eye no longer mattered. What mattered was that >Splinter was back and that he was going to be okay. Feeling the warmth >of TurtleNinja's blanket surround him, Splinter soon fell asleep, despite >the biting snow MIKE: [Chomping sounds] > that continuously blew in their faces. > >*   *   * > > >   "TurtleNinja?" Turtana asked as her cousin came through the door of >the Sleeping Quarters TOM: A lovely tavern down the street from The Snoozing Nickel. > as the storm hit. >TN just brushed past Tur and went upstairs. I quickly followed her to >Splinter's room, where she was lowering whatever it was she had found >to the bed. Her face was scratched up from the blowing snow, but it >didn't matter now. She had a more important task to deal with. >   "Mikey, I want you to get some more blankets and medical supplies, okay? CROW: And get me a cappuchino! Stat!! >Hurry!" >I had no idea what she had brought home with her, but I did as I was asked >without any further questions. >   "What is that? What did you find, TurtleNinja?" TOM: [TN] Oh, the descendants of the Roanoake colony. They were busy helping the Atlaneans look for Sasquatch, so they couldn't help us. > I asked as she >tried to apply antiseptic and bandages to the thing lying on Splinter's bed. >   "Damn." >   "What is it?" I asked. CROW: [falsetto] I *told* you; it's a dam! TOM: [falsetto] A big, furry, clay dam! >   "Run and get me a towel. The bandages won't stick while he's wet." >I ran to get a towel, wondering what TN had meant when she said he. Did >this mean that her dream had come true? CROW: She'd finally found her hidden talent and made it onto the David Letterman show? >   "Here." I said, handing her the towel. "Now, do you mind telling me >what you've got there, making a mess on Splinter's bed?" >   "Michaelangelo." she muttered under her breath. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] You mean *I'm* making a mess on Splinter's bed? CROW: [Michaelangelo] Like, if that's Michaelangelo, who am I? >   "Well, what is it?" >   "What? Don't you mean who?" >   "Who? TOM: Dr. Who? > I don't see anyone." >I still didn't know what she had. She finished drying off the furry mess >and tossed me the towel. She looked up at me, saying; >   "Look closer. Who has been taking care of you and your brothers ever since you >guys were lost in the sewers as tiny babies?" CROW: [Michaelangelo] Um...the nanny in the green-striped socks? TOM: It's Jim Henson's Ninja Turtle Babies! >I gasped. He was the last mutant I could have imagined to be in this state. >   "Master Splinter." I whispered, my eyes misting over. MIKE: Hey, let us do the MiSTing around here, pal! >She nodded and continued to bandage him up, for he was beaten very badly. >Once she had finished, she pulled the extra blankets I had brought her up >around his shoulders. I turned away, sobbing because I TOM: --was a complete pantywaist. > knew that >TurtleNinja's premonition had come true. She stood up and slipped her arms >around my shoulders, comforting me. >   "He'll be okay, Mikey. All he needs is rest. He must have used his psychic >powers MIKE: Hey, no way! CROW: Yeah! He's a *guy!* >to escape the Eye and was beaten by the tirjils." >   "Your dream. It came true. That must mean that mine will, too." TOM: TurtleNinja drowns! [Cheering noises] >   "I don't know. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. MIKE: [teasingly] Maybe I do and maybe I don't. > I can't say." she said >softly. I looked over at Splinter and watched him sleep for a few seconds >before I asked her; CROW: [Michaelangelo] "What's that thing on your face?" >   "How can we be sure that he's escaped the Eye and won't be recaptured?" >   "We don't. We won't know until we meet up with the Eye again. I don't even >know for sure if the Eye's out of his body. That was just my guess." >I knew that the day was soon when we would fight the Eye again, but >I didn't know just how soon. > >Chapter 7 >If The Tirjil Escapes... TOM: Oh, oh, I know this one! ...wear it! > >Leonardo wandered around the newly rebuilt Tirjil Headquarters. He wasn't >yet totally oriented with the new surroundings. Since the old HQ had been >destroyed, the tirjils had been spending endless time rebuilding. He had >to find the Master MIKE: You know, I didn't notice this before, 'cause it's really not my area of expertise, but...is this "Manos" is disguise? BOTS: Yup. > and ask him why Splinter was missing. He suspected >that the tirjils had something to do with it and knew that the only way to >find out was to ask the Master. Finally, he cornered one of the tirjils >and pinned him up against the wall, saying in a menacing tone; >   "Where is the Master? I must speak to him." MIKE: I taKe CaRe oF thE plACe...whIle ThE MasTeR...is AwAy. > The tirjil shuddered and >told Leo that the Master was in the Training Room. Leo's eyes narrowed >and he released the tirjil, who backed away in fear. MIKE: [Torgo-Tirjil] I wiLL TeLl thE MaStER thaT YoU Are HEre... TOM: [Leonardo] And be quick about it! MIKE: [Torgo-Tirjil] I CaN trY... > He knew where >the Training Room was. Ever since he had left Turtle Farm, the Eye had >grown even stronger in him. His strength was increasing and he needed to >continue with his ninja exercises. And since his strength >was increasing, TOM: Aaaauuuggh! MIKE: Did we mention his strength was increasing? > he spent most of his time in the Training Room. As he >approached, he heard the sound of weights banging back and forth. The >Master sat up as he saw Leonardo enter the gym. >   "Leonardo! Is something the matter?" MIKE: [whiny-Leonardo] Yeah...I think I sat in some gum... >   "Yes. Indeed there is. Splinter has been missing for three days now, >and I can't help but think that your tirjils have had something to do with it." >   "I have noticed his absense, too. Perhaps he decided to take care of >your brother and friends on his own." >   "No! You are lying ! CROW: [bad Kung-Fu movie] Insolent dog! You shall be punished! > Splinter would never run off on his own without >telling me, Donnie, or Raph. Your tirjils have taken him. Now tell me >what you have done with him!" CROW: [still bad Kung-Fu movie] Or I shall use my secret fighting skill on you! >   "Aren't we being a little harsh, Leonardo?" >   "A little harsh? I'll show you harsh!" >Leo had gone too far. Arjuna rose up from his spot and attacked. The two >of them wrestled on the ground, MIKE: It's Wrestlemania! TOM: [announcer] Which of these two reptiles will be King of the Ring...? > not noticing the small figure watching >them from the shadows. Suddenly, Arjuna pinned Leo with a choke hold and >took out a dagger, pressing it to Leo's neck. >   "You've tricked me! CROW: [Kung-Fu] You have tricked me! You are an excellent fighter! > And I bet you tricked Splinter, too." Leo said. >   "Don't worry. MIKE: [lightly] "--Remember, Gamera is friend to *all* children!" > You'll be joining him very soon." >Arjuna laughed evilly as he brought the dagger above his head, preparing to >rip Leonardo's neck open. >   "No!" >The voice rang throughout the Training Room. Arjuna looked up and dropped >the dagger, seeing the figure in the shadows. He knew who it was. Then, >releasing Leonardo, he bolted from the room. CROW: [Curly-running-away noise] Whooobubububububu! > Leo sat up and looked off to his left. He saw the >tiny figure in the shadowy light of the Training Room's skylights. TOM: [announcer] Will our Mystery Guest please step up and sign in? CROW: How much do you want to bet it's female, "reptilian," and eighty degrees hot for Leonardo? > The figure stepped >into the light and Leo saw that it was a female tirjil, dressed in a black >bodysuit and mask. CROW: He shoots, he scores! >A decorated Katana MIKE: They hung Christmas lights on it. > hung at their side by their belt and Leo knew who >it was. Sashi. She had been watching their battle from afar and realized >that it was time to escape. > >*   *   * > >After realizing that Splinter was back, I decided to do like TN BOTS: Gah!! MIKE: He said "Do *like* TN!" >and go to Ninja Garden on retreat. TOM: Can't . . . parse. . . sentence. . . > I was now walking along the >riverbank when I realized that I was being followed. All I knew now was >that I had to get away. I ran, hoping to escape further down the river. >Suddenly, I heard the faint sound of a small motor and stopped, >listening closely. Suddenly, a snowmobile appeared on the horizon. >   "Leonardo?" TOM: Kate Winslet? MIKE: Billy Zane? CROW: CGI effects animators? >I was right. The rider was Leo. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > My brothers were not with him. Leo sped >by and stopped the snowmobile. He leapt off and attacked with a flying >kick that was followed by a slide kick on the ice. [Bots supply cheesy fighting sound effects.] > I tried my best to >counterattack, but it was no use. He was too fast and too strong. I rolled >out of the way as he brought his Katana to TOM: --the ball. MIKE: You're getting "Katana" and "Kitana" confused again. CROW: No, Mike, that's "konfused." MIKE: Sorry. > the ice. Quickly, before >I could get up, he lifted me above his head and threw me to the ice with a >powerful bodyslam. Lightning shot up my left arm. CROW: Okay, just for the record. We have "ice sliding," "Katanas" with a capital K, and now, lightning and arm injuries. Are you *sure* this isn't just a rehash of the Mortal Kombat story? TOM: Nope; more bad love scenes, not enough bad fight scenes. > It was broken. As >in my dream, I could not take the force that went through >my body. I closed my eyes and let a peaceful darkness wash over me. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done bef-- TOM: [interrupting] *Enough* with the deja vu already! > >*   *   * > MIKE: But I *like* the deja vu gag... TOM: It's getting old. >As I floated back to reality, I was aware of a pair of warm hands holding >one of my own. >   "Michaelangelo, CROW: Oh, no, this really *is* deja vu. MIKE: You know what that means... BOTS: [horrified] Love scene!! Nooooo!!! > open your eyes. You're safe now." >The voice was but a whisper to me, but nevertheless, I knew who it was. TN. >I opened my eyes and looked into hers. Her hand brushed my face, wiping >away the mistwater. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yuk...TN, you ever consider trying Claritin? > I was lying on a grassy hill in the middle of Ninja >Garden. >   "TurtleNinja?" >   "Yes, Michaelangelo. It's me." CROW: NO, it's Dolly Parton. Who does he *think* it is? >She reached down and pulled my head up to hers and she kissed my lips deeply. MIKE: Gawd... CROW: Does Leonardo know she's cheating on him? >I could feel her love as it radiated from her. TOM: Too much exposure to mutant love can give you cancer. > She pulled away and >whispered in my ear; >   "Get up. Follow me." >I looked at my arm. Somehow, it had healed and was no longer broken. When I >looked up, TN was gone. I was lying in the middle of Ninja Garden, near the >bamboo bridge. MIKE: Oh! I think that's the part right before the big bad guy with the stick. TOM: You've never played Ninja Gaiden, have you, Mike? MIKE: [sheepishly] Well...no... > The stream ran through the pool in front of me. There were >bright colored flowers everywhere, despite the fact that it was the middle of >winter. I looked around the steamy mists for TN. Suddenly, her head broke the >surface of the pool. CROW: See, contractually, the author's only allowed to re-use *half* of her original sentences. > I climbed into the pool and swam up to TurtleNinja. >The water was up to our shoulders where we were standing, and that surprised >me, for the pool looked shallow from the shore. CROW: She's gotta reword the rest. MIKE and TOM: Oohhhhh. > Looking into my eyes, >TurtleNinja brought her hands to my chestplate and, breathing in deeply, >I slowly tilted my head back. Her warm reptilian lips found my neck CROW: Oh, *there* it is! Thanks; I'd been missing that. > and >her soft touch was like a shockwave, TOM: --power PC plug-in. > an infrared light on my wet skin. She >pulled away from me and I leaned towards her, kissing her briefly on the lips. >   "C'mon, Mikey. Splinter was awake and asking for you when I left." she said. CROW: That's it? They kiss and that's it? MIKE: TN's still carefully straddling Y7. TOM: She's carefully straddling a *lot* of things. >   "Really?" >   "Yes. He was also asking for Leonardo, but, he's still under the Eye's >control." We climbed out of the pool and dried off. Then, after gathering >our gear, we went home. I was eager to talk to Splinter and see what >news he had brought of the tirjils. We were on the east bank of the river >when Raphael appeared. Mystically, he appeared from the trees. CROW: [quickly] Boo! >His eyes glowed bright red when he saw us. >   "Michaelangelo! TurtleNinja! MIKE: [Raphael] How *dare* you start that up without hunky me? > The Master is going to love finding out where >you guys are hiding!" >I froze, not knowing what to do. I couldn't possibly outrun him now, not >when he was under the Eye's control. But I didn't have to do anything. >TN took action right away. TOM: Because she's just so powerful, and all of that. >   "No, Raphael!" she cried, holding her amulet before his eyes. >Raphael stopped in his tracks, his eyes flickering. He was now caught >between the Eye and himself. Suddenly, he fell to his knees, stunned. >TurtleNinja had used her amulet enough so she no longer became unconscious >after using it. CROW: Hey, who would win in a fight between TurtleNinja's red amulet and Johnathan Brisby Jr.'s red amulet? MIKE: Well, TurtleNinja doesn't lose any strength anymore after using her amulet, but, then again, Johnathan's amulet is better at plot contrivances on the whole. I would say Johnathan in round three. CROW: True...but TN's amulet isn't done yet. [Mike shrugs.] > Dropping the amulet back into her coat, she ran over >to Raphael, helping him to stand up. I ran up next to him and slipped my arm >about his shoulders, giving him some support. Shaking his head, Raphael >looked up at us, confused. MIKE: [Raphael] Am I dead? >   "Mikey? TurtleNinja? How'd I get here?" he asked. >   "We're not sure either, but you're okay now." she replied. >   "Whoa there, dude. TOM: [Gasp!] Michaelangelo's in character! CROW: Quick, check the author! Maybe we fell into a different fan-fic! > Careful now. Can you make it home?" I asked. >   "Yeah. I think so. Y'know, the last thing I remember was being chained to >the wall MIKE: Eeew! Not a bondage scene! CROW: Mike, you were the one that said "clean riffs." MIKE: With *this* material? > and being attacked by some weird looking guys with red eyes." >We hurried home as fast as we could. But we had only made it a few feet >when TN noticed a crimson stain in the snow. She looked at me and I >shrugged before she looked at Raphael's leg. There was a deep cut there >and it was bleeding. Using her eyemask as a bandage, TOM: Wonder what her mask color is, anyway. Pink? Orange? MIKE: Cream? Puce? Celery? Paisley? CROW: Black. I checked her web site. MIKE: Crow?? Why?? CROW: Boredom or masochism. You be the judge. > she managed to stop the bleeding until we could get home and get >the wound taken care of properly. I was starting to get worried about what was >happening to Donatello and where Leo had gone after he had broken my arm. MIKE: Little did he know that Leo had traveled to recruit the evil forces of... Funkytown! >Once we had found out where the Tirjil HQ was, we would TOM: Put up big, ugly signs. MIKE: "Secret Ninja Headquarters HERE. Free coffee." > destroy it CROW: Popular pasttime in this fan-fic. >and reclaim my brothers. But the only way we could find the Tirjil HQ >was located was to talk to Splinter. > > >Chapter 8 >The Wrath Of Sashi > MIKE: [Raphael] Wasn't that a movie? CROW: [Donatello] I don't believe I've seen it. TOM: [Gasps] You guys remembered! MIKE: Yeah, we're going through Krang Withdrawl here, too, buddy. >Once we arrived home, TurtleNinja took care of Raphael's injuries while I >was talking to Splinter. He told me that the Tirjil Headquarters was on >the other side of the river. He said that he had used all of his psychic >abilities to escape the hold the Eye had on him, if only momentarily. Then, >he was caught by a group of tirjils and beaten before they had dumped >him in the pool. MIKE: Yeah, and they took his lunch money, too. > He had fallen through and the cold water revived him. >Fortunately for him, the tirjils left and he crawled back out onto the >ice after a few seconds had passed. He tried crawling up the banks, but >like Turtle's dream, CROW: Top Ten Nicknames for TurtleNinja: TOM: TN! MIKE: Turtle! TOM: Tur! CROW: *Wrong,* Tom...that's the *other* girl. MIKE: [mocking] Du-uhh. > he soon became exhausted and flopped back onto >the ice, thinking that he was as good as dead. >   "The next thing I knew, I was covered with snow and someone was within >reach of my hand. I didn't know that it was TN TOM: Oh! I know one! What about... [whispers something to Mike] MIKE: No good, buddy. Don't think we can get it past the censors. > until after she had >brushed the snow from my face. She wrapped me in a blanket CROW: She always carries those things around. >and I fell asleep as she picked me up to carry me home. MIKE: Ya know, she did it with one hand, too. TOM: No doubt. >When I awoke, I found myself here, in my room." >He laid back on the pillows, his fatigue catching up to him. >   "It's okay, Master. Don't worry, the others and I will take care of everything. You >just lie back and rest now." I said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yep, we'll be putting you to sleep in just a sec... >He closed his eyes and went to sleep. Silently, I slipped out of the room and went to >find Raphael with TurtleNinja. CROW: Oh, *Jeeeeze...* MIKE: Maybe that's not what it sounds like. TOM: For those of you keeping track, that's three out of four turtles, and the Shredder! > We decided to go to the Tirjil Headquarters, >draw Donnie and Leo out of hiding, and then destroy TOM: [Southern accent] Destroy, Destroooy, *Deeee-strrooyyy-ah!!* > the Headquarters. >Raphael knew that it wouldn't be that easy. Arjuna and the tirjils were quick to spot CROW: --a shoe sale at Reyer's. >traitors and intruders. He knew that when an intruder or traitor was >captured, they were tortured unmercifully. TOM: As opposed to being tortured with mercy. > TurtleNinja, Turtana, >Shredder, and I left, without Raph and Splinter. We weren't yet sure if >they were unable to be recaptured by the Eye and didn't want to run that risk. > >*   *   * > >As we approached the Tirjil Headquarters, TN gave us explicit MIKE: --fan-fic to read. BOTS: Don't do it! > orders to >get Leo and Donnie out as fast as we could so we wouldn't alarm the tirjils >before we destroyed the building. The four of us ran in. We found Leonardo >and Sashi together, planning our destruction. Sashi attacked first. She >was tiny, but, boy, was she tough. CROW: Just like Yeardley Smith! > We had never fought her before and >didn't know how good she was. After Sashi had tossed me into Shredder, MIKE: Ooof. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...hi, dude. Wow, this is awkward. > Turtana managed to pin her down. Leo ran off, either to find >Donnie or a group of tirjils. Sashi swore that her father would have our >heads for attacking her. I laughed. >   "Your father is weak compared to TurtleNinja. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] ...In fact, everyone is! CROW: *Superman's* weak compared to TurtleNinja. > She defeated him before, >what makes you think that she won't do so again?" I asked. >   "You'll see. My father will destroy you for attacking me like this! >I'm sure that now Leonardo is getting some CROW: How could he be? You're still here! MIKE: Crow, finish the sentence. > tirjils for your defeat." CROW: Oh. > she said, >giving me a cold stare. >   "Oh, really? Why would Leonardo hurt TN if he loves her?" Shredder asked, returning her icy stare. TOM: "Moirane's stare was like the cold ice off a frozen pond. It was so cold that..." MIKE: Robert Jordan, Tom? TOM: Yep! For my next trick, I'll describe in precise detail the embroidery on everyone's clothing! MIKE: No thanks. TOM: And then I'll describe how men and women are different in inexhaustible detail, spread over nearly a dozen books.... MIKE: We get the idea, Tom. >   "Leo? Love her? You've got to be kidding!" CROW: That's what I've been saying for the entire fan-fic! But did they listen to me? Nooooo... > she said. Then, looking at >TurtleNinja, said; >   "He loves me now!" CROW: Cat fight! Cat... MIKE: They're turtles. CROW: er, Turtle Fight! Turtle...No, that just doesn't have the same ring, does it? >TN drew her hand back, poised to strike, when the sound of footsteps behind >us caused us all to turn around. It was Leo. Followed by a group of tirjils >warriors and Donatello. MIKE: It's official. I no longer remember who is a good guy and who is a bad guy. TOM: Join the club. CROW: I do. I've got the FAQ right over here... >Turtana gave Sashi to Shredder and we fled the building. Once we were outside, >TurtleNinja raised her amulet and aimed it at the building. Almost >immediately, the building collapsed. MIKE: Oh, they must be fighting in Detroit. > When the dust had cleared, we saw >no sign of Leonardo or Donatello. Then, TN spotted a green, three-fingered >hand poking up from the rubble. CROW: *Just* the left hand. The rest of the turtle was gone. TOM: Oh, wait, it's just that Robby kid from Dinosaurs. > We ran up to the collapsed building, >Shredder dragging Sashi along behind him. TOM: [falsetto; Sashi] Ow. Ow. Ow. > Working as fast as we could, >TurtleNinja, Turtana, and I uncovered Leonardo. Donatello was nowhere to >be found. But wait! CROW: Sure, drag it out even *longer,* fan-fic. > Holding tightly to Leo's right hand was Donatello. >Both of them were unconscious, but they were both alive. We had no choice. >Along with Leo and Donnie, we would have to bring Sashi with us. Or would we? TOM: I don't know! You're narrating the story! >A figure rose up from the rubble, giving us a start. Shredder must have >released his grip on Sashi, for she ran to the figure. >   "Father!" >Next to me, TurtleNinja gasped. He was huge! [Mike and Crow turn to look at Tom. Tom looks around for a moment, then shrugs.] TOM: I'm Huge?! [The others nod, and resume viewing the story.] > All of my hopes for escape dashed >to pieces at that very moment. >   "You have attacked my daughter and now you shall pay dearly for it!" he cried, >running towards us. MIKE: Bannana Peel. TOM: Ahhhh!!! WHAP! CROW: Lawsuit! >But before he could attack, TOM: --he had to gloat on and on about his evil scheme. Villain union rules. > Sashi stopped him. >   "Let them be. They are no better warriors than the slug people of Pluto." TOM: Ouch! Burn! MIKE: The Ninja Turtles are reeling from that one, folks. >   "Yes. They are no better. Let us leave this planet. I do not wish to be around >others as ignorant as these." TOM: So, talk to the hand, Earthlings. >They turned around and then...vanished. Neither Leonardo nor Donnie had stirred >at all during this time. CROW: Not a creature was stirring, not even a mutant. > TN bent down and felt for a pulse, first on Donnie, then Leo. >   "Well?" I asked. MIKE: Nothing. They're completely dead. Sorry 'bout that. >   "They're going to be okay. The Eye left their bodies just after the building >had collapsed on them. It saved their lives. They'll wake up in a few hours. >C'mon, let's get them back to Turtle Farm." **Crow: But let's stop by Turtle Pharmacy to pick up some asprin for these two first.** >Relieved, we picked up my brothers and brought them back to Turtle Farm, where >we would TOM: --use them as fertilizer for the soy beans. > let them rest in their rooms and tend to any injuries they had >sustained. > >Chapter 9 >Leo And Donnie Recover CROW: You know, this whole story would be a lot shorter if she just left in the chapter titles and took out the rest of the narration. > >   "TurtleNinja! What happened out there?" Splinter asked when he saw the >conditions of Leo and Donnie. We didn't want to tell him, but we had no choice. TOM: [falsetto] There was a fight; they got beat up. What's for lunch? >   "Let me take care of their injuries while you tell Splinter of what happened." >she said to me. >After laying Leo and Donnie on the double beds in the Medical/Recovery Room, MIKE: Medical Room-slash-Recovery Room-slash-Pizza Kitchen... TOM: [Michaelangelo] Anyone up for some pepperoni and peanut butter? >which was on the third level of the Sleeping Quarters, CROW: This might be an okay time to remark that this is one gigantic farm. TOM: Well, the Ninja Turtles are Amish, you know. > TurtleNinja ran to the >supply room for medical supplies. I reluctantly told Splinter of what happened >and he understood why TN was so upset, even though I didn't. MIKE: For "the sensitive turtle," he's a little slow on the uptake. CROW: Nah, Cousin Balkie said Donatello was the most sensitive turtle. > Later, when I >came to check up on her, I could see the tears in her eyes as she watched over >them. >   "TurtleNinja, you're crying. What's wrong?" I asked softly. TOM: [falsetto sobbing] I...I...gained half a pound! Now no one will love me! >   "Nothing. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to them now. Since >this was the result of my battling the Eye, then I'll be the one responsible >if they..." MIKE: ...Get evil again? Overdose on pizza? What? >She trailed off, swallowing a nervous gulp. I understood why, too. If my >brothers died, she would be the one held responsible. CROW: ...and she'd be hanged at dawn. > There was nothing else >she could do now, just stay by their sides, monitor them, and hope that they >would be okay. She stayed by their sides constantly, never eating unless Splinter, >Shredder, or myself brought her a meal. TOM: [starting to lose it] This is the most repetitive fan-fic I've ever read. What is this, like, the *fourth* time someone's had a week-long vigil at the side of an unconcious person, without eating or sleeping?! It's only the second part of the pentology! And the whole theme isn't even *original*; it's ripped off from Leonardo and Raphael in the first Ninja Turtles movie. Which, might I add, was ten times better than this story!! MIKE: Done, Tom? TOM: Yes, thank you. > She never moved from between >the double beds, holding in her left hand Donnie's right hand and in her right >hand, Leo's left. It was as if she was willing them to wake up and say that they >were all right. One afternoon, Raphael walked in and sat next to her, CROW: --rubbing her shoulders softly to console her... TOM: ..like every *other* turtle so far... >comforting her when she said that they were never going to wake up. MIKE: TN, hun. Of course they're not got to wake up. These are wax statues of the Turtles. The real Raph and Don are in the next room. TOM: You know, that was an episode, too... CROW: Oh, now you've done it. TOM: I'm finished. >   "TurtleNinja, don't say that. They'll wake up. All you have to do is believe MIKE: --in fairies. CROW: [falsetto] And if you just clap your hands, they'll come back to life! >they'll wake up and they will." >   "How can you be so sure?" MIKE: [Raphael] I read ahead in the story. >   "Trust me. Way back before you met us, I was badly injured in a battle. >Before that battle, Leo and I had an arguement. He stayed by my side, upset >because he thought that what had happened to me was somehow his fault. TOM: Gah! No! The author is mentioning her own unoriginality! MIKE: I thought you said TurtleNinja fan-fics were based on the cartoon, Tom. TOM: I'm confused, okay? I just wanna go home... CROW: Maybe they're based on the Image version of these guys. Hey, then the Savage Dragon might be showing up soon for an additionally pointless crossover! >He kept saying that he was sorry, even though he didn't have to. It wasn't his >fault that I got hurt. It was my own hotheadedness that got me into trouble." >he said softly. CROW: Um, Servo, you *are* home. TOM: That's what makes it all so depressing. >    "That's not it. Both Leo and Donnie know that I care about them very much. >The Eye caused them to think that I didn't care. If they knew that I was the >one responsible for what happened to them...oh, I don't know what they'd think. MIKE: Probably the same mean-spirited stuff they think already. >I keep thinking for the worst." she said, slumping into Raph's arms. CROW: Any second now, the love theme from "Ghost" is going to start playing, I can just feel it... >   "It's okay. They'll understand that you didn't know that they weren't out of >the building before you destroyed it." Raph said, gently moving his hands up and >down TurtleNinja's shell. TOM: If this doesn't get any less annoying, I swear I'll die again... MIKE: Okay. We can hold a week-long vigil by your prone body, not sleeping or eating until you revive. CROW: Speak for yourself! >   "I know. But I wish I could help them. I wish there was..." >TN trailed off, seeing Leonardo's eyelids flutter. He was waking up. Suddenly, his >eyes snapped open and he looked up at her, confused. CROW: [Leonardo] TN, is this supposed to be the cartoon or the movie? > Then TN looked at Donnie. >His eyelids were fluttering now, too. He awoke within a few more seconds, >asking for food. MIKE: [cave-man voice] Donatello hungry! Donatello want eat now!! TOM: [cave-man] Donatello want virgin! CROW: He'll have to try another room for that one. > Leo was sitting up and holding TurtleNinja's hand, asking >if she was okay. TOM: Yes, you've been lying there injured and weary; meanwhile she's been sitting there doing *nothing*; naturally, asking if *she* is okay is a fine way to start a conversation. We, meanwhile, are injured beyond the ability to express ourselves, and you are not asking *us* anything. MIKE: Another rant, so soon? We'd better take a break. CROW: We're almost done with this part! MIKE: Okay. > She motioned for Raph to get the pizza that was warming >in the oven and she told Leo that she was okay and that he should rest. >Both devoured the pizza [All make messy eating noises.] > as TN told her story of what had happened. We all >knew that we were safe...for now. But how long would it be before the Red Eye >returned and destroyed us all? > TOM: It couldn't be soon enough. >To Be Continued... > CROW: Just what we all wanted to hear. > >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War ALL: We noticed. MIKE: Let's get out of here. [Mike and the 'Bots pack up and leave.] [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge. Tom Servo is by himself at audience left and is holding a pencil in his mouth. A notepad is propped up in front of him, and he is busily writing on it. Crow enters from the right.] CROW: Hey! What'cha' doin'? TOM: Mmmmmrrff... [Spits the pencil out onto the table.] Oh... nothing... CROW: [trying to peek at the notepad] Oh, come on, let me see... TOM: Okay, fine. It occured to me that this fan-fic had me just a little bit riled-up, so I was trying to express...well, my *feelings,* with a little poetry. Okay? CROW: [chuckle] You write *poetry*? TOM: No, no, not usually, but I've had a rough day, and I've heard it can be pretty therapuedic. That's all. CROW: Well, let me see! TOM: No, no, nonono...you don't have to *see* it... CROW: [reading over Tom's shoulder] TOM: Stop that! [Tries to get in front of him.] CROW: Tom, you don't have to be embarrassed! That's really good!! TOM: [angry] Why you... [pause] It is? CROW: Sure! That...that's great! The drama, the pathos... I can really *feel* this! TOM: You think so? CROW: Yeah! Hey, hey, hey, Mike! Come look at Tom Servo's poetry!! TOM: Oh, I wish you wouldn't... You don't have to... [Mike enters from the left.] MIKE: What? [notices notepad.] Tom, I didn't know you wrote poetry! TOM: Well, it's nothing *much*... [Mike picks up the notepad and begins to read.] MIKE: One, one, one, zero, zero, one. Zero, one, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, zero, one. One. Zero. One, zero, one... [flips to the next page] Zero, zero... Tom, I can't read this! It's... CROW: Isn't it great? It hits you right to the core! TOM: Stop! I'm blushing! MIKE: It's in binary. CROW: Well, a robot poem is always purest in its native language, Mike! [Commercial sign is flashing.] MIKE: We'll be right back. CROW: It's so raw! So real...! [Mike hits the button.] [Commercials.] [Back to the theater.] MIKE: What's that poem about, anyway? TOM: It's about the percieved incompleteness of life at the moment of death. >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War > CROW: I can't beleive you didn't just *see* that, Mike! TOM: Some people have no taste in art. >By: TurtleNinja > MIKE: I guess she thought we forgot. >Chapter 1 >Leo And TurtleNinja Break Up [Bots cheer.] MIKE: Aw, it's probably just so she can get together with Michaelangelo. TOM: Or Brad Pitt. > >After practice one afternoon, about a week after we had last fought the Red Eye, CROW: The Crimson Red Emerald Orb of Sight! MIKE: Don't do that; that's scary. >I went to talk to TurtleNinja about our last fight and our feelings for >each other. TOM: [Michaelangelo] See, TN; it's like this. I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over... > I walked up the stairs to Leonardo and TN's room. CROW: Oh, yuck! MIKE: Wait; I thought Michaelangelo and TN shared a room. >I approached the door and knocked on it gently. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Are ya decent? TOM: [TurtleNinja] No, but who cares? >   "Come in." TN called. >I opened the door and found her lying on her bed, reading one of her many books. CROW: "Reptile Pirates of Lust." >She looked up at me with surprise and I assumed that she was expecting Leonardo >instead of me. Marking her place, she set the book aside. >   "TurtleNinja, I need to talk to you." I said, closing the door behind me. >   :"Yes. Go ahead. I was just reading to relax after practice." she said. TOM: [falsetto] That Captain Darkshell is soooo cruel! Will he and his lovely captive Turtalina ever find happiness? MIKE: You guys are giving TurtleNinja story ideas again... BOTS: D'oh! >   "About the last time we fought the Red Eye- I hope we don't have to battle >it again. I don't want to lose the others and hurt you and Leonardo all >because of what's happened." >   "Aww, Mikey. You don't have to worry." >She looked at me and I looked at her. Slowly, I moved to kiss her. TOM: I'm just gonna close my eyes for this part. CROW: You don't have any eyes... TOM: Shh! >Our faces were only centimeters apart when we heard a loud knocking at the door. MIKE: It's okay, Tom, false alarm. TOM: Whew! >It was Leo. Turtle CROW: Which one? > was startled as well. >   "Quick. Hide in the closet." TN hissed, shoving me in the closet of disguises. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, muffled] Hey! What's this Barney suit doing in here? >   "TurtleNinja? Are you in there? CROW: [falsetto] No! Uh... > We need to talk." I heard Leo say. >   "Come in, Leo." >Leonardo walked into the room and I heard him sit on the bed next to TN. >She set her book MIKE: --if you took the liberty to call it that-- > on the floor and I heard their conversation. >   "TurtleNinja, I'm sorry for what happened when I was under the Eye's control. >It seems that I can't control my actions, no matter how hard I try." he said. TOM: [falsetto] Oh! That explains the placement of your hands right now... >   "Don't worry about it, Leo." >There was a deep silence. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, muffled] Hey, are you guys still talking out there? CROW: [falsetto] Sshh! > I couldn't see what they were doing and it made me >wonder if Leo was somehow hurting her. There was a small crack between the door >and the jamb and I tried to peer through it. TN saw me and her eyes gave a start. MIKE: The hand is quicker than the eye, so the ref was just trying to be fair. BOTS: Oh. >Fearing that Leo would see me as well, I moved away. As she reached for her book, >I heard TurtleNinja say my name. Right away, I knew that she had blown it. >   "What? What did you say, TN?" CROW: [falsetto] Uh...I said, "My, your hands are low!" As in, cut out the hanky panky right now before I call up the Shredder! >   "Nothing." >   "You said Mikey. Michaelangelo's here, isn't he?" >   "No! I haven't! TOM: Umm...haven't what? MIKE: TN, I would say you *have.* > Leo, don't!" >   "Forget it! From now on, you are out of my life!" [Cheers.] CROW: Maybe while he's at it, he can get her out of the fan-fic, too! > Not caring if Leo saw me, I >peered through the crack. I was afraid of what he was going to do to TurtleNinja. >Leo never got violent with TN. I looked out in time to see Leo raise his hand and >send TN into the wall with a mere swat of the back of his hand. BOTS: Whoo-hoo! CROW: [singing] Celebrate good times, come on! > She slumped to the >floor, stunned. Almost by accident, I looked into his eyes as he struck >TurtleNinja. MIKE: Actually, you guys, this could be a poingant represenation of what goes on in an abusive relationship. CROW: Yeah, it could be, but it's not. > I saw a flicker in them. Not red, but the eyes of a >different Leonardo. A good Leo wanting to reach out and help TN. Then I >saw the evil Leo. One that was possessed by the Eye. He had pushed the other >Leo back into a remote corner of his mind as he took >a step towards TurtleNinja. CROW: Sooo...what happened to her all-powerful anti-evil amulet? MIKE: She was getting it cleaned. > I knew then that the Red Eye had not >left his body. Brother or not, I had to help TN. TOM: Brother? I thought she was his sister! >   "Leave her alone, Leonardo!" I cried, emphasizing every word as I >pushed the closet door open and stepped into the room. CROW: Brick Hardbuns! MIKE: Rock Manlius! TOM: Steve Steelthighs! >Leo stopped in mid-stride and turned to face me. Leo drew his Katanas >and attacked. Once again I saw the flicker in his eyes. MIKE: It almost looked like...intellegence. > I glanced over at TurtleNinja, >who was in a corner, not knowing what to do. TOM: So I started line dancing. I figured that it might work... > I could feel the adrenaline racing through my >bloodstream. Brother or not, Leonardo was not going to hurt TN. With a powerful >swat of my arm, I sent the Katanas into the wall. CROW: Rick Thickarm! MIKE: Stride Cutslash! TOM: Joe Kickbutt! >   "If you can't touch her with love, don't touch her at all!" MIKE: Yeah! What he said! >Leonardo stepped towards me, preparing for a punch. What he didn't expect was my >charging him and pinning him up against the wall. Suddenly, the door flew open and >Splinter stood in the doorway, his eyes sparking anger. CROW: Ooooo...pretty anger! > >Chapter 2 TOM: Electric Boogaloo. MIKE: I was waiting for that. >The Room- Revisited > > >   "What is going on in here?" Splinter asked, curious and angry. CROW: ...and confused and upset and hungry! >He looked from me to Leonardo and then to TurtleNinja. I couldn't see >anything in his eyes, but I knew that he, too, was still in the Eye's power. >All of them were. All but TN. MIKE: And Shredder! TOM: Yeah, don't forget; he's nice and helpful and completely un-evil! > I didn't know where the Eye went after >she used the amulet, but it never left their bodies. Splinter stepped >into the room towards Leo and me, accompanied by Donnie and Raph. >TurtleNinja immediately fled the room. TOM: [falsetto] Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!!! CROW: They like having her around 'cause she's brave. > Where she went, I had >no idea. I didn't even have time to think about where she had gone, >for Splinter was now standing in front of us. Slowly, I released Leo. >Suddenly, I wasn't in the Sleeping Quarters. I was on Turtle Cliff, >about to be beaten by my brothers and Splinter. MIKE: Whoa! CROW: It appears that the turtles have gotten their hands on the JLA transporter technology. > I could see what was going to happen before it happened. >Like before, they beat me. Only this time they didn't dump me in the ditch. >Once I was rendered helpless, they took me to Turtle Grove and left me in >the snow to freeze to death. TOM: And I did. End of fan-fic. > >*   *   * > MIKE: [singing] Here comes Susie Snowflake... CROW: [singing] Bringing her snow white DEATH. >When I came around, I found myself in an unfamiliar place. But yet, I was >certain that I had been here before. TOM: It's a familiar unfamiliar place! > A faint lantern glowed, giving me some comfort. >But I still was not sure where I was. A warmth surrounded me and I closed my eyes, >falling asleep. > > >*   *   * > > >When I woke up from my nap, it took me awhile to realize where I was. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Huh? Mommy? >I didn't know where I was for certain, but I knew that I was somewhere on >Turtle Farm. Then, I heard the voice. That soft, comforting voice. MIKE: That hoarse, crackling voice. >That familiar voice that I would never forget. TOM: [announcer-voice] Name this voice from your past, because, Michaelangelo, This Is Your Life!! [Mike and Crow make cheering noises.] > Mataji. But how? I thought >that she had been killed by the Red Eye. I looked up and into her eyes. >Suddenly, my vision blurred. I blinked. When I opened my eyes again, I no >longer saw Mataji. Now I saw TN. ALL: Gah! MIKE: We don't get a break, do we? > She was with Turtana and someone else >whose face I couldn't make out. I looked around at the dirt walls and >ceiling and realized that I had been brought to the Room. She motioned for >the others to leave and as the second figure went through the door, I saw >who he was. Shredder. CROW: That would have been kind of a neat shock if we hadn't already known he was in this story. > TurtleNinja must have called them and had them come >to the Room. >   "Mikey, you're okay. I thought that they were going to kill you for sure >that time." >   "Aww, TN. You don't have to worry. I would have been okay." >   "No, you wouldn't have been. MIKE: [overly manly TurtleNinja] You need my protection, Weakling! > You were barely alive when I found you." >   "Why are Turtana and Shredder here? TOM: [falsetto] Well, I made one of them up, and the other one's just being mischaracterized! > I know that the Red Eye is back, >but how? Why?" >   "I called them here after I found you and told them of our situation. >When I defeated the Eye with my amulet, I didn't destroy it. I merely >weakened it and made it even angrier. CROW: Gave it a slap on the wrist and sent it to bed without supper. > Splinter didn't escape last time. The Eye allowed him >to regain control of his body until the trap for us was set. Then it >recaptured him." MIKE: That Eye is one tricky little evil force! >   "But why would the Eye trap you?" CROW: 'Cause it can. >   "It's probably because the Eye knows that I am the key to destroying it >and it was desperate to destroy me so that it can prevail and take over >the universe." CROW: Oh. >   "What if the Eye is hiding something from you? How will you find out?" >   "I don't know, Mikey. I don't know." >There was a heavy silence between us. Neither of us spoke for a long time. TOM: Enjoy our redundancy! >Then, suddenly, the door to our room opened and Shredder stood in the doorway. >   "We have received a message from Yumana. It seems urgent." he said, >looking up at us. Turtana had come up behind him. >   "What is it? A message from one of my distant relatives?" TurtleNinja asked. MIKE: [falsetto] Uncle Steve? >   "I'm not sure." >We got up and ran into Mataji's ship. A viewscreen was on and an alien >turtle was on the screen. It spoke, but we were confused. It spoke an >alien language TOM: Klatoo! Nikto! Barata! CROW: Appipulai! > and we couldn't understand the words. I glanced over at >TN, who had a strange look on her face. It appeared that she understood the words. MIKE: [falsetto] I swear, Jabba, I'll have the money for you as soon as I can! >Then the screen went dark. >   "There's a problem. The war on Yumana has gotten worse. It seems that >this war caused by the Eye has gone on for many centuries. The alien turtle >said that she knew Mataji. She didn't tell you everything, Mikey. >There's a book that's been in our family for many generations CROW: [falsetto] "Reptile Pirates of Lust." It's very, very important. > that has >recorded everything that's happened since the Eye began the war. We've >got to retrieve it." she said. >   "That's impossible! If there had been such a book, I would have known >about it." Turtana said. MIKE: [snooty falsetto] I know *everything.* CROW: Was the book by Jim Theis? If so, I'd skip it if I were you. >   "Maybe so. But maybe Mataji was worried about your safety so she told a friend >or one of her close companions." >   "TurtleNinja, I don't think that Mataji would do that. I really don't." > >Chapter 3 >Sympathy For The Devil CROW: Ummm...is it my imagination, or is that kind of a neat chapter title? TOM: Snap out of it, Crow! You're delerious! > >   "How did everything go, Sashi?" Leonardo asked. >   "Perfect. Those fools bought it. CROW: [evil falsetto] Two-hundred dollars, and it wasn't even a *real* Princess Diana Beanie Baby. > They actually thought that I was >calling from Yumana." Sashi said. >   "Excellent! By telling that kind of information to TurtleNinja, we'll be >forgotten by them while they retrieve a book on how to stop the Eye that >doesn't exist." MIKE: The Eye doesn't exist? CROW: Then all that red-glowing stuff was just for show...right? >   "The only thing I'm worried about is that Turtana Lalita may realize >that there is no such book and that what Turtle and the others are heading >into is a trap." >   "Turtana? What's up with her?" TOM: Yeah, what-up wit dat, foo'? >   "She became the Master of the Tirjils after her aunt, Mataji, left Yumana. >By law, the youngest relative of the Master would become Master themselves. >And that would have been me. But I was too young and Turtana was given the >honor of becoming Master. MIKE: Anyone who can figure out that system gets a RAM chip! [Silence.] MIKE: Me neither. > If she hadn't come out of hiding, I would >have become Master anyways. But she did and I was forbidden to become Master >until I was eighteen years of age. CROW: Eighteen years young! > While she was Master, I gathered >power for the Eye and then war broke out. She had me hunted down >as a fugitive, TOM: [announcer] The Fugitive. Starring Sashi, TurtleNinja, and Turtana as: the One-Armed-Turtle. CROW: You know, Venus Di Milo is the "No-Armed-Turtle." > for she knew that I was the cause for the war. But I wasn't the one >who had started the war. It was my father. MIKE: Like, the Master wanted to ground me, and I said "Nuh-uh" and then, like, I called my Dad, and he, like, mobilized the army and stuff. > He found out about my plans >and blackmailed me into letting him in on the takeover. Being a fool, I >let him. What choice did I have? If I didn't, he'd turn me in." >   "So? What does that have to do with Turtana?" MIKE: [falsetto] Nothing! I just like saying her name. Turtana Lalita; Turtana Lalita! Try it; it's fun! >   "When my father had gained complete control of the Eye, he turned me over to >Turtana. Fortunately, a friend of mine TOM: [falsetto] Whom I'm *not* going to name for you, because she dies at the end of this paragraph... > managed to help me escape during my trial. >But we were caught and immediately imprisoned. Soon after, the war came to Pernia. CROW: So the dragonia ridersia headed out of Bendenia weyria and fought the threadia. My McCaffrey trumps your Jordan, Tom. TOM: Ummm... Okay... >I heard from another cell mate that Turtana had fled and that my father had become >Master. Knowing that we would probably be executed, my friend and I managed to >escape. Sadly, my friend was caught by surprise MIKE: Surprise! [singing] Happy birthday to you... TOM: [Zapping noises] > before she could get into >the ship and was killed. I watched in horror as the disruptor beam caught >her and disintegrated her into a pile of smoldering ash. CROW: Yum! > Fortunately, >I had already started the thrusters and escaped before the guards could do >the same to me. When I crash-landed in the area you call the Himalayas, TOM: [snotty falsetto] *We* call it the Wimp Mountains, foolish Earthling... >I vowed to get revenge on my father for killing my friend." MIKE: Yet she lives with him, and always pays attention to what he says. CROW: Pretty much. TOM: Your point? >Leonardo looked at Sashi. Her head was down and she was crying softly. Leo >understood. > >   I know what that's like, Sashi, Leo thought. I have lost TurtleNinja to >Michaelangelo. CROW: He disintegrated *her* into a pile of smoldering ash. TOM: If only. > >   "It's okay, Sashi. I understand." Leo said, slipping his arms about her >shoulders. Sashi slumped forward, leaning against Leo's shoulder. >   "Don't worry, Sashi. First we will get revenge on your father, then on my >brother MIKE: [Leonardo] ...then on my agent for sticking me in "The Man in the Iron Mask..." > and his friends." Leo said. >   "How will we get to them? The snow out there is over a foot in some >places...much too deep for me and the tirjils." Sashi said. >   "I can get some skis and snowshows CROW: "Snowshows"? They're going to hold an Ice Capades? TOM: [announcer] It's "The Legend of the Red Eye, on Ice!" Starring... Brain Boytano! Nancy Kerrigan! And Michelle Kwan as TurtleNinja! > from the Weapons Shed in the morning. >They'll help us walk on the deep snow." MIKE: Or else they'll just make us look stupid and slow down our fighting. We'll see. >Silently, Sashi wondered if Turtana knew that there was no such book as the one she >had told TurtleNinja about. If she did, she would be able to figure out Sashi's lie >and arrive at the Tirjil Headquarters in time to stop her from getting revenge on >her father. TOM: And his friends, and co-workers... CROW: White-hot revenge for all! > She didn't have to worry about TurtleNinja much, now that Leonardo had >found out that she had been with me. But Leo had not lost TN to me, MIKE: --the Hell? CROW: Seems to be a bug in the first-person narration. TOM: That'll be fixed in Narrator '99. > for she still >loved him and she could not deny it. TOM: Michaelangelo knows this because he can read her mind. > As Leo walked Sashi to her quarters, she >realized that Leo now had no one to turn to but her. That was fortunate for her... >she could use him to help her in her quest to regain control of the Eye. She >knew that she could not get it on her own and she knew just where to get help... MIKE: The Evil Agents of Vengeance Temp Agency. > >Chapter 4 >Sashi's Revenge TOM: [announcer] Sushi's Revenge. The final revolt of the poison pufferfish. Coming this fall to a theater near you. > >The next morning, Sashi awoke with the first light and went to find Leonardo. She >knew that he was one of the first ones up in the morning and that he would be in >his room, meditating or doing one of his daily katas. MIKE: Kata? That's real martial arts stuff! CROW: Yeah! What's it doing in this fan-fic? > When she looked in >his room, she found that he was not there. Instead, she found a note on his >nightstand telling her TOM: [Leonardo] ...Can't take it any longer. Seppuku is the only way out. You'll find my body at the foot of the stairs. > that he had gone to get the skis and snowshoes. Sashi >knew that he would return soon, knowing that he might be seen. Then, she >turned to leave. She had to pay a quick visit to her father. Just as she >was leaving, she bumped into Leonardo. BOTS: Ooof! CROW: [falsetto] Soo, is that a katana in your belt or are you just happy to see me? > He had returned with the skis >and snowshoes. >   "Sashi! I was just coming to find you! You ready? If you are, let's get >some tirjils and head out." he said. >   "Yeah. Set the skis and snowshoes MIKE: Let's get the rest of those out now. BOTS: Skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes. MIKE: Done? CROW: One more. MIKE: Okay. CROW: [quickly] Sashi set the skis and snowshoes softly in the snowsled shed. MIKE: Nice! > in your room and we'll pay a quick visit to >my father." >After gathering a group of tirjils, Donnie, Raph, and Splinter, Leonardo >and Sashi headed towards the Training Room. To their surprise, Sashi's >father was not there. A videotape offered a clue. TOM: [falsetto] Let's see...he was watching "Tommy Boy." What could *that* mean? CROW: The Red Eye's driven him insane! >   "I have gone back to Yumana. Hopefully the Eye will prosper better on our >homeworld." >Sashi's eyes narrowed unpleasantly, TOM: As opposed to a friendly-kinda narrowing. > glowing red. CROW: I gotta learn that trick! > Her father was always >one step ahead of them and this time she had no way of reaching him. >   "The coward. He's gone back to Yumana. He knew that I was after him and >fled in one of the shuttles." Sashi said. TOM: He found it in a box marked "Hamdingers." MIKE: Don't I wish. >   "Don't worry, we'll get him...somehow." Leo said. Sashi turned back to >him with an angry look and, for some reason, neither of them noticed that >Splinter had slipped away out the door and away from the bickering twosome. >If Leo and Sashi couldn't work together to destroy us, he could. CROW: He could work together by himself and destroy us? MIKE: Who's "us"? TOM: Yeah, you'd think if Michaelangelo was watching this stuff, he would at least try and *do* something about it. >He would find some way of getting a starship and getting us all to Yumana. >But the tirjils wouldn't let him get the chance. >   "Where do you think you're going?" the captain asked. MIKE: [Splinter(?)] The can. >   "To get help." >   "No, you're not. Not without Sashi's specific permission." CROW: What about her vague permission? >   "Very well. Tell Sashi that I wish to talk to her in my quarters as soon >as possible and that she is to bring Leonardo with her." TOM: [Splinter] And some donuts. The pudding-filled kind. *Not* the cream-filled kind; those are too sweet. >He knew that Sashi would not allow him to leave, just in case he did manage >to use his psychic abilities to MIKE: --guess the winning Powerball numbers. > escape the Eye. > >*   *   * > >Meanwhile, we, too, were searching for a way to get to Yumana. Mataji's ship was >out of plutonium and we had no way of getting any more. TOM: Okay! Pop quiz! The plutonium thing is ripped off of... CROW: Oh, I know! The Neutrinos' hot rods in the first season of the cartoon! TOM: Very good! > Even if we did, how >would we get it to work? I presented my question to TurtleNinja and Turtana. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] As you can see, it's a well-thought out question, and I even brought flow charts and a detailed diagram. >   "How are we going to get this thing going anyways? We don't have any >plutonium and even if we did, we don't know how to run it." I said. CROW: [Raphael] Swell! Why don't we just stop off at the nearest plutonium station? MIKE: Well, the Libyans have some. Maybe you could trade it to them for a bomb filled with parts from a pinball machine. >   "You're right. I'm gonna go to Ninja Garden and think things through there. TOM: [falsetto] So I can get attacked by a big scary group of ninjas when there's no one around to hear me scream. >Perhaps I can come up with an idea if I'm alone." TN said. >   "And while you're gone, what do we do if the Eye attacks? How do we >contact you?" Shredder asked cynically. MIKE: [Shredder] 'Cause you know we can't handle a *spider* without you. >   "You won't. I'll know if there's trouble. And if I get into trouble, >I'll call you on my Turtle Com." TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, we're back in the cartoon. MIKE: Whew! What a ride! >She left, not knowing that Leonardo, Sashi, Donatello, Raphael, CROW: The Neutrinos, MIKE: The Rock Soldiers, TOM: Baxter Stockman, CROW: The Punk Frogs, MIKE: Gorganzola, TOM: Gamera, CROW: Torgo, MIKE: Pee-Wee Herman, > and Splinter >were watching and were going to follow her. I saw Sashi leap from the roof >as TurtleNinja reached the end of the driveway. >   "Guys, the tirjils are following TN!" >   "Come inside. If we give them the impression that we didn't see them, >we'll be able to help TN." Turtana said. TOM: [falsetto] Or, we can just hide like wusses and watch her get beat! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I like that plan! >When the tirjils were at the end of the driveway, we left through the patio >of the Sleeping Quarters and took pursuit. CROW: Whew! They sure know how to play the waiting game! MIKE: Gave 'em a whole three minutes of suspense! > When TurtleNinja reached the >ropebridge, Sashi gave the order to attack. TN whirled around in surprise >as Leonardo attacked her. TOM: Oh, she must have not heard that big loud scream of "Attack!!" > I knew what they were going to do. They were >going to beat her as they had done to me. I rushed headlong through the >fighting tirjils to help TurtleNinja. I arrived too late. Leonardo brought >up one of his Katanas and brought it down. MIKE: It was kinda interesting, so he did it again. TOM: [Leonardo; stupid] Up. Down. Up. Down. > It struck deep into >TN's arm, tearing a huge chunk of skin loose. MIKE: The arm! Why is it always the arm? > TurtleNinja cried out in >pain, but she did not release Leonardo, who was struggling desperately to >free himself from TN's strong grip. CROW: Oh, to top it all off, she's got a grip like the Incredible Hulk. > TurtleNinja shoved his arm >upward and he brought the other up with it. With an amazingly quick move, >he pinned her arm to her side ALL: Arm! > and brought his Katana down across it. It, >too, cut deep. I took a quick glance at the wound and wished I hadn't. >It had been cut clear to the bone, which I could see. My stomach turned. CROW: --into a spleen. >Hearing TN's second cry of pain brought more force to my strides. I >grabbed Leo from behind and twisted his arm behind his shell. ALL: Arm! TOM: It's the "Red Arm Pentology"! > He >reflexively brought the other arm around, just missing my head with his >Katana. I grabbed the other hand and pinned them together in front of my >brother. I brought my foot up and kicked them, CROW: His arms? MIKE: What else? > causing him to drop his >Katanas. TurtleNinja leapt on his back, trying to pull his arm over his >head and break it. CROW: [snicker] TOM: This is getting just plain ridiculous. > I stepped back against the rope to avoid the >struggling pair. Leo reached back and grabbed TN's wrists MIKE: That would be the lower part of her arm. > and flung her >against me, causing us both to fall headlong into the icy waters of >Turtle River. TOM: Turtle River. New. From the Creator of 'Dawson's Creek.' >Chapter 5 >Deja Vu CROW: Hey, Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling people get whenever they see you ask that question. CROW: Oh. > >As TurtleNinja and I were tossed about in the icy waters, I could hear >Sashi and Leonardo's laughter. TOM: [Butt-head/Leonardo] Huh, huh-huh-huh... Huh-huh... CROW: [Beavis/Sashi] Heh-heh heh-heh-heh-heh heh-heh-heh. > Ignoring them, I frantically searched >for TN. She wasn't anywhere to be found. Then I saw her. She was headed >for a large rock outcropping. >   "Mikey! Help!" >I swam towards her, but I was too late. The waters carried her into the rocks. >Her eyes went wide with pain, then closed peacefully. MIKE: [TurtleNinja] Oof, I'm dead. > I managed to >get to her before she went under and pulled her to shore. I looked back at >the ropebridge, which was now out of sight. As far as I could see, the >tirjils had not followed us. I picked up a now unconscious TurtleNinja CROW: Oh! Maybe now that she's passed out, he can hold a vigil next to her bed, not eating or sleeping until she awakes! >and followed the river back to the ropebridge and then back home. Soon, >the ropebridge was in sight. The tirjils were gone, which was fortunate, >since I would have been outnumbered. As quickly as I could, I ran to Turtle >Farm. TOM: *Two-hundred miles!* MIKE: Turtle Farm remembers! > There, we would be somewhat safe. I didn't dare head for the >Room, for it would be too cold for us, now that we were wet. Instead, I >headed for the Sleeping Quarters. MIKE: So, the heroes have this giant base of operations, and the bad guys have one floor of an old storage shed. CROW: We should be drawing a map. > I ran to my room and laid TN on >a blanket on the floor. Her arms were both cut and bleeding badly. TOM: But the rest of her was absolutely fine. >With hardly a pause, I ran to the bathroom CROW: [running-water-noises] MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Ahhhhhh... I needed that. > and got some bandages and >antiseptic. TurtleNinja was just starting to come around as I finished >bandaging her up. She blinked and looked up at me, confused. CROW: [falsetto, muffled] Hy'd oo but dis bandag ofer my mouf? >   "Mikey? Where am I? What happened?" she asked. >   "Shh. I brought you to the Sleeping Quarters. After we were thrown into >the river, you hit your head on a rock. Luckily, the tirjils weren't at >the ropebridge when I got there." >   "The Sleeping Quarters? Why not the Room?" MIKE: *What* is the *difference*? >   "It's too cold. We're all wet." >She winced and quickly drew a breath. Apparently, she had hit her head >harder than I had thought. CROW: Oh! This is the part where she wrote the "Mortal Kombat Crossover." >   "Here, let me see if I can find a towel and bathrobe for you." I said. MIKE: After all, it's not as if you're wearing a shell or anything. >I then turned around and snooped around in Leonardo and TurtleNinja's closet. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Let's see here...uh... French maid costume, cowboy outfit... Oh, what the hell is *that* thing? >I soon found a black towel with the letter T mongrammed on it and a matching >bathrobe. I knew those to be TN's. MIKE: Oh, black! I get it! CROW: Told you so. TOM: So there's a system in play in case the turtles each forget their own *color*? > Running back to my room, I found her shivering on the >floor. I tossed her the towel so she could dry herself off while I searched >my closet for my bathrobe. Suddenly, something wet hit my head. MIKE: Water balloon fight! >I pulled TurtleNinja's wet towel off my head and tossed her the black >bathrobe. She caught it and slipped it on as I resumed my search for my >bathrobe. I found it and slipped it on. An orange one TOM: Oh! I guess there *is* a color system! > with a gold M >monogrammed on it. CROW: They sometimes have trouble remembering letters, too. >   "TurtleNinja, do you want a cup of hot chocolate or tea?" I asked. MIKE: [falsetto] Coffee? Tea? Dynamite? >   "No. But we should get some sleep." she said. >Soon, we fell asleep on our cots. We were both so tired that we didn't >hear Turtana and Shredder TOM: --trapped in their ever-escalating lust. CROW: Oh, *thanks,* Servo. > enter the Sleeping Quarters. MIKE: [announcer] Shredder has entered the building! B > > >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War TOM: The Eternal War of Fighting that Goes On a Really Long Time. CROW: It only *seems* like an eternity. > >By: TurtleNinja > MIKE: In case you didn't remember. TOM: Mike, you used that one already. > >Chapter 6 >Escape To Yumana > >The next morning, ALL: Good morring! **morning** > I awoke on my cot, which was not far from TurtleNinja's. I >remembered the night before and then realized that someone else was in the Sleeping >Quarters. CROW: [Michaelangelo] And they ate all the damn porridge, too. > I got up and gently shook TN to awaken her so we could go down to the >kitchen. Slowly, she yawned and looked up at me, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. >   "Good morning." TurtleNinja said. >   "Yeah. I think we'd better go downstairs. We're no longer alone." I said softly. TOM: [Michaelangelo] The little grey men are watching us... MIKE: Not little *green* men? TOM: They *are* the little green men. MIKE: Oh, right. >We walked downstairs and into the kitchen to receive a shock. In the kitchen was >Turtana and Shredder, talking quietly over breakfast. CROW: What's the shock? MIKE: Ahhh! They're eating a low fiber breakfast! > TurtleNinja stopped in mid-yawn >and looked at the two of them with surprise. > >*   *   * > >Meanwhile, at Tirjil Headquarters, CROW: [radio announcer] Meanwhile, across town, Elliot Ness and his men are on the trail. > Sashi and Leonardo planned their escape to >Yumana. Sashi had seen Mataji's starship, but it was too small to hold the large >group she wanted to bring with her. That meant that she would have to release her >hold on the tirjils and Raphael, Donatello, and Splinter. TOM: [falsetto] Well, there goes the bridal party! >   "Why, Sashi? We'll need their help." Leonardo said. >   "No, we won't. I am the Red Eye. MIKE: [trippy] Whoa... I *am* the Red Eye... CROW: And she is the Lizard Queen! TOM: [trippy] Far out... > I control it, not my father." Sashi said. >   "So this means we can take this ship CROW: [Leonardo] --for a joyride? MIKE: I call shotgun! > I found to Yumana without Splinter, my >brothers, and the tirjils?" >   "Yes. I will release my hold on them and leave them in a hypnotic state, caught >between the Red Eye and themselves. CROW: Could've sworn she's used that phrase already... > You and I will have to go to Yumana >without them. We have no choice." >   "What if TN and the others find them? Will they be able to gain control >of them?" >   "No. Not unless TurtleNinja or Turtana knows how to undo the hypnosis." TOM: I'm *sure* TurtleNinja can figure out a way. >   "Good." >With that, they went to the Practice Room and gathered the tirjils, Splinter, CROW: The Village People, TOM: The ThunderCats, MIKE: Vanity and Hefty Smurf, CROW: Woody Allen, TOM: Woody Woodpecker, MIKE: Dr. Forrester, >and my brothers. They all knew that Sashi and Leonardo would be together >until Sashi no longer had use for him, which would be doubtful. Then, once >all the tirjils had gathered, Sashi released them from the Eye, leaving >them in a hypnotic state, caught between the Eye and themselves. CROW: Hey, *Tom,* what is deja vu? TOM: A detective-type thriller made for the original Nintendo Entertainment System and played in the tradition of Shadowgate. MIKE: Oh, like Ninja Gaiden? TOM: *No.* CROW: Rent a clue, Mike! >Once Sashi was though, Leonardo took her to the awaiting starship and they >took off for Yumana, MIKE: [Starship taking-off noises] CROW: [Starship breaking-down noises] > not knowing that we had seen them go. As quickly >as possible, we headed for the Practice Room, where we found the tirjils, >my brothers, and Splinter staring at us blankly. >   "Mikey, they're in a hypnotic state. They're caught between themselves and the >Eye. TOM: [acidly] We noticed. > Do you have my amulet with you? I'll need it to free them." TN said. >   "Yeah, here." I said, handing her the amulet. >TN swung her amulet in front of them. CROW: Sleep! *Sleep!* **SLEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!** TOM: She's the Amazing Rando!! > She chanted in her home language, CROW: [falsetto] Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat... >then in English MIKE: [falsetto] Miss Susie had a steamboat; the steamboat had a bell! > and then the others were released. >   "Where are we? What happened? Why aren't we on Turtle Cliff?" Splinter asked. TOM: [Splinter] Where are my donuts? >   "You don't remember anything? You don't remember beating up Mikey?" TN asked. >   "Beat up Michaelangelo? Why would we do that? MIKE: Uh...'cause he's an irrititating surfer-talking twerp? > The last thing I remember >is being up on Turtle Cliff and Leonardo's eyes were a fiery red. I could >feel their hatred burning into me, controlling me." CROW: Oh, happens a lot around here. You get used to it. >My brothers were the same way. The tirjils, however, couldn't figure out why they >weren't on Yumana. When they realized what had happened, they were all surprised. TOM: Their reaction? Dull surprise!! >   "How could we have done this to our families? It's against Yumanan creed to do >so. We'll all be disgraced if we return." CROW: [matter-of-factly] They'll have to live in the sewers, and the rats will be their only friends. Until, one day, someone drops a tiny bowl of humans. >   "It's okay. I'm from Yumana, too, and you won't be disgraced. I'm a part of >this, too." TurtleNinja said. >   "How can you be Yumanan?" one of the tirjils asked. MIKE: [falsetto] I know, I don't look it...I guess it's the nose... >   "I wasn't there when you guys left, but I was born on Yumana. I was brought here >to Earth as a baby and grew up here. My parents knew that the dominant species was >human, so they used a cloaking device on me which I unknowingly removed when I was >fifteen. TOM: Whoops! MIKE: [falsetto] You know, I've always wondered what this big, ugly, metal bracelet is... Maybe if I took it off... Eeeeeeeeek!! > I fled the city and retreated to a place which I now call Turtle Farm. TOM: [TN] You know the place, right? It's across the street from the Turtle Strip Mall. You know? The one with the Turtle Boston Chicken and the Turtle Hollywood Video? >But Sashi is the one who did this to you. She has taken my friend's brother, who is >also my boyfriend, with her back to Yumana. Sashi has plans to use him for her >own devious wants. CROW: Such as? MIKE: You don't wanna know. CROW: Actually, I probably do. > Unfortunately, we have no ship and Sashi has won." Turtle >said sadly. >   "No, she hasn't." a tirjil named Marana said. MIKE: For TN's next trick, she will add a randomly named female turtle! CROW: Again? > "This entire compound is a >starship. It is merely cloaked to look like a building. TOM: Name-That-Rip-off! MIKE: Rocky Horror Picture Show? TOM: Um, no... CROW: Mighty Ducks the cartoon series! TOM: Which, by the way, had the same writers as Ninja Turtles. CROW: And the same plot-lines. > I can help you >set the coordinates for Yumana and hopefully we can arrive before Sashi >can carry out her plans." >   "Thank you. That would be most appreciated." TN said. > >Chapter 7 >A Yumanan Secret TOM: [sotto voce] We Yumanans have secretly replaced TN's mystical anti-evil amulet with a plastic mock-up from Claire's Boutique. Let's see if she can tell the difference. >Once on Yumana, Sashi and Leonardo landed safely and ran towards City Hall, >where Sashi's father sat, enjoying the sun. His back was to them and he >didn't see them approach, nevermind hear them. On his ears were the >Yumanan equivelant of a set of headphones MIKE: What would be the difference? CROW: Yumanans' ears are inside their throats. > and he was playing them at >a rather subliminal volume, shutting out any disturbance. TOM: Subliminal, in other words, quiet, but still loud enough to shut out disturbances. >Sashi's eyes narrowed unpleasantly. CROW: For the second time this fan-fic. >   "Father! Have you forgotten who controls the Red Eye?" she snarled. >Immediately he whirled around, facing them with surprise. He yanked off the >helmetphones, as they were called on Yumana, MIKE: Oooo...clever name. TOM: And suddenly, the air is filled with the blasting sounds of Green Day... > and spoke. >   "Sashi! How did you get here? I thought you would stay on Earth and conquer it!" >he snapped angrily. CROW: [Arjuna] How dare you not conquer that planet, young lady?! Go to your room! >   "I found Mataji's ship, thanks to Leonardo here." she said, gesturing >towards Leo. >   "Leonardo! I should have known that you would betray me sooner or later! >Why you would leave your brothers and beloved Master behind for my daughter >is beyond me, TOM: [Leonardo] Well, sir...she's hot... > but I give you credit for seeing that I was not the one >who controlled the Eye." >   "I assume you realize why I have returned, Father. MIKE: [Arjuna] Yeah, I know, you left your CDs. I was only *borrowing* 'em... > I must rid myself of >you in order to become Master." Sashi said and began to release her father >from the Eye. Slowly, he allowed himself to fade away and was released. CROW: [Popping noise.] >There, in the Mayor's office, he remained in a hypnotic state, waiting fo >us to arrive and TurtleNinja to release him. But not even TurtleNinja would >be ready for a secret that had been so well-kept on Yumana. One that had >not been known since the day she was born. TOM: They all knew it before then, but they forgot. > >*   *   * > >While Sashi was putting her father under hypnosis, we were well on our way >to Yumana. The starship had no name, and badly needed one. CROW: The Destroyer! TOM: The Stellar Phoenix! CROW: The Dark Harbinger of Doom! MIKE: What about... um... Fred? [Bots groan.] > TN immediately >thought of a name for it, since it was going to be her ship. She called it >the TurtleNinja, honoring all of us. [All stare blankly for a moment.] [Then, uproarious laughter.] MIKE: [Between chuckles.] Right! Honoring *all* the turtles...'cause... Hee hee! it's *her* name, ya know... > TN was growing more anxious by the minute, since she was psychic and >knew that Leonardo and Sashi were already on Yumana. [Laughter continues.] > We were still light-years away. >Soon, the planet came into view. TN was so busy helping Marana that she didn't >feel Splinter's presense come up behind her. [Laughter starts to die down.] CROW: That was cool. >She gasped when he gently rested a furry hand on her shoulder. Startled, MIKE: [falsetto] Aaa! Tarantula! Kill it! >she turned around to face her master. >   "Splinter! What's up?" she asked, knowing that he wouldn't come to >talk to her when she was so busy unless it was an emergency. TOM: Yes, it's an emergency! Which is why she's so bubbly about it! MIKE: [vapid falsetto] Splinter! Like, what's up? >   "I'm totally sorry for what happened. The only other time I realized >that I was no longer on Turtle Cliff was when you found me in the pool >by Ninja Garden. I guess now that it was all a ruse put up by Sashi to >trick you. But what was the trap?" he asked, a confused look on his furry >face. CROW: Aww....he wooks so cute when he's bewildered... >   "I don't know. As far as I can see, there was no trap. Unless this, >too, is all part of Sashi's trap. MIKE: [vapid falsetto] Maybe everything's a trap! But stay cheery! > After all, she's got Leonardo. Who >knows what she's got in store for him. With complete control of him, who >knows what she'll be able to get him to do for her." CROW: He may be hand-washing her unmentionables right now!! > TurtleNinja said, >swallowing a nervous gulp. Splinter understood. He just wished that what TN >had told him about them beating me and trying to kill me TOM: ...and forgetting that I was supposed to be narrating... > wasn't true. But >he couldn't bring himself to deny it, either. He knew that it was Sashi's >control that caused him to do what he did, but he was still ashamed. Soon >enough, we were landing on Yumana. Most of the ones under the Eye's control >were released...for obvious reasons. MIKE: Which were...? CROW: Well, they're *evil,* Mike. You just don't want *evil* people just lying around. MIKE: So why didn't they release them in the first place? TOM: Temporary budget cutbacks. > Still, TN wasn't prepared for the >secret that had yet to come and slap her in the face when she was defenseless. MIKE: [falsetto] Ow! Darn pesky secrets! >With some help from a few of the elders of the community, most of whom had >known Mataji, we were able to get a good idea of what Pernia, the city, was >like. CROW: So is this somehow different from "The Planet of the Turtleoids," which, if I remember correctly, was a real place on the show? TOM: Well, the Planet of the Turtleoids had *men,* too. CROW: Oh, yeah. > After hiding out in the sewers, which was typical for us >Turtles back home, we prepared for our raid on Sashi's new headquarters. >Usually, it was TurtleNinja, Splinter, or Leonardo that came up with a plan, >but this time, it was Donatello. TOM: Yes, the resident *genius* hardly *ever* has a thought of his own. MIKE: He doesn't have to. TurtleNinja's around. >   "I think, if I see this map of the sewers right, we can follow this tunnel and >come up CROW: --right in the showers! That'll shock 'em all! > in the basement of City Hall and take Sashi and Leo by surprise." >he said. >   "Great! If you're correct, we might be able to capture Sashi, who I am >sure is the key to unraveling this situation with the Red Eye." TN said. TOM: [falsetto] And, if you're not correct, we'll just run hopelessly into a trap from which there is no escape! But just keep smiling; that's my motto! >   "Okay, okay. If we are to raid them tonight, we must be ready, don't you >think?" Shredder said impatiently. MIKE: You suppose that somewhere, deep down, is the supervillain we all know and love? TOM: We just aren't that lucky. > >*   *   * > >Later that night, we followed the map to the small alcove that would take us >up to the basement of City Hall, where Sashi and Leonardo were sure to be. >Marana, who was often the most helpful, CROW: 'Cause she's the one with a *name.* > led us to where the personal >quarters were. There, outside a wooden door, we heard voices. Sashi and >Leonardo's voices. >   "Sashi, they could never get here. They have no ship. Please, you were >the one who said that they could never get here. Please." TOM: Please baby *please* babybabybaby *PLEASE*! > Leonardo pleaded softly. >   "You're right. Perhaps it is another ship from one of the neighboring >planets." Sashi said. MIKE: Hey look! It's those nice neighbors of ours, the Borg! CROW: We will assimilate a cup of sugar. Resistance is futile. >   "Yeah. What are we doing, anyways?" >   "Just hanging out, I guess. TOM: [announcer] Witness the incredible suspense as the villains "Just hang out!" MIKE: [announcer] No one will be admitted during the gripping "Just hanging out" scene! > We have plenty of time to take over Yumana...now >that my father is out of the way." >   "He's still in the Mayor's office, isn't he?" >   "Yeah. I checked there personally this morning." >Slowly, TurtleNinja used her dagger to pick the lock and open the door a crack. [Bots make loud creaking noises.] >Sashi was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a blue pajama outfit that Leo >was trying hard not to stare at. TOM: Oooo...hot stuff... CROW: And this is somehow *more* erotic than her being completely naked? > His Katanas were on the nightstand nearby. >He then sat down next to Sashi, a strange look in his eyes. TN wasted no time >in kicking the door in. MIKE: [Leonardo] Oh! Hi, TN, nice to see ya again! Wanna join us? >   "Leo! How dare you! Have you forgotten me already?" she cried. >   "You? Ha. Irony is sweet. CROW: I always thought that *revenge* was sweet. MIKE: Yeah, but so far they're only *talking* about that. > You were the one who betrayed me first by being with >Michaelangelo." Leonardo snarled in return. TOM: [Leonardo] And Raphael. And the Shredder. And...aw, Hell, I lost count. >Quietly, I took a fuming TurtleNinja by the shoulders and turned her towards the >door. She wasted no time in uttering one final vow. TOM: [singing, falsetto] Make of this vow one last vow... MIKE: Do you, TurtleNinja, take this turtle to be your lawfully wedded husband...? CROW: [TurtleNinja] You mean I only get *one* of them? >   "You'll pay for this, Sashi! I swear you will!" > >Chapter 8 >Final Revenge MIKE: Right, right. We believed your last "final" thing, and look where that got us. TOM: [announcer] It's about a hatred that always was, and a love that can never be. Final Revenge Seven. > >As quietly as we had come, we left. [Loud clunking and clamoring noises.] > Silently, we kept to the shadows of the >sewers and TN sobbed softly as we ran. When we were far enough away from >City Hall and the adjoining Tirjil Headquarters, we stopped. Gently, I >took TurtleNinja in my arms and held her close. CROW: Why not? It's her fantasy. >   "We were so close! And I botched it good!" she sobbed. >   "No, we are just as close as ever, TurtleNinja!" Splinter said. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Yeah, close to getting our *shells* kicked... TOM: [TurtleNinja] Did you say something, Mikey...? MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uh... No. >   "Yeah, right. Now Sashi and Leonardo are onto us and know of our plans. We'll >never get a close shot like we did tonight." >   "No, my child. Didn't you hear Sashi? Didn't you hear her say that her >father is in the Mayor's office and that he's under hypnosis?" TOM: He's caught between the eye and himself! Aren't you paying attention? >   "You're right! Splinter, you're a genius! CROW: [Splinter; stupid] I am not! Uh...what's a genius? > All we've got to do is go back and >free him!" >   "Let me come with you. I know how to get there in record time." Marana said. TOM: We'll take the expressway, and then cut across Federal over to 5th, past the old park... >   "How are we to get him out of this?" Raphael asked. MIKE: [deep voice] How are we to get back to talking like actual people? >   "Simple. The same way we did you." CROW: [falsetto] Just konk him over the head! >We soon found Arjuna and TurtleNinja began to bring him out of Sashi's hypnotic >spell. He came around and his eyes widened at the sight of TN. TOM: [Arjuna] Whoa. Hot stuff, baby. >   "Marana? Is that you?" he asked. >   "No. Marana is waiting for us in the basement." she replied. >   "If you aren't Marana, then you must be her daughter." >   "What? Marana is my mother?" TN choked out. [Laughter.] CROW: Where did *that* come from? TOM: From out of left field...it's the "The villains are your parents" plotline! >   "Yes. Marana is my wife and you and Sashi are sisters. MIKE: [falsetto] Oh! That's...spiffy! > Years ago, >I met Marana and we married. CROW: [Arjuna] Allow me to provide some exposition now, for your enjoyment. > Before our first year of marriage was >through, we had a firstborn, Sashi. A year later, we had you. TOM: [Arjuna] Your real name is Turtle Kintobor. > Not long >after, a short war broke out on Yumana. Fortunately, it never reached Pernia. >That's when Marana decided to bring you to Earth cloaked in the form of a >human and find a family for you there. She used Mataji's cloaking device and >left you on the doorstep of a childless couple. MIKE: So we heard. CROW: Yeah, been there, done *this.* > The years passed and soon, >when Sashi was thirteen, the war of the Red Eye broke out in Pernia. >At the time, she was serving as a delinquent TOM: A juvenile delinquent? MIKE: What *about* juvenile delinquency? > for starting the war by >Turtana Lalita, TOM: --Banana-fanna-bo-besca the Third... > who is your cousin. I wasn't told of this at the time, >but Sashi and one of her friends tried to escape. By now, I was Master, for >Turtana had fled for Earth to follow Mataji. CROW: [falsetto singing] I will follow Mataji... Follow Mataji where ever she may go...! > If I had known that Sashi's >friend would have been killed, I would have made sure that the guards >carried stun lasers instead of disruptors. MIKE: [Arjuna] But, if "should'ves" and "buts" were beer and nuts we'd be having one hell of party, so enough hindsight already. > The guards told me of this >much later, when Sashi had escaped. I was later told that she had fled to >Earth. I had noticed that Marana was missing when I left, but I was so >troubled by Sashi that I didn't take time to look for her. TOM: [Arjuna] 'Cause...'cause I believe that *children* are the future, ya see. > I soon found out where >she was. I was on Earth when I ran into her in a wooded area near my camp when >I was out for a walk. When I saw her, I called out her name, MIKE: [singing] You just call out my name... > but when she >turned to me, she didn't seem to recognize me. [falsetto rapid-fire] CROW: Who are you? TOM: You're not my real dad! MIKE: I'm calling my mom! > And I remember nothing >until when you brought me back to reality." >   "So you're saying that I am your daughter and that Marana is my mother?" CROW: [Darth Vader/Arjuna] TurtleNinja... [breath] I am your father... >   "Yes. And now I realize why you control the good side of the Red Eye." >   "I control the good side?" >   "Yes. TOM: [Arjuna] Sheesh, keep up, would ya? > You are the youngest descendant of the Last Master of the Tirjils. >You are the one to wield the Amulet of the Red Mist and must claim your right >as Master." >   "I don't wish to be Master. CROW: [whiny] Whhhhaaaaaa!! I don't wanna!! MIKE: That's "wish-ta." CROW: Right. Sorry. [whiny again] Whhhaaaaaa!! I don't wishta!! > My friends over there, they need me. >Especially Splinter. TOM: [falsetto] 'Cause he's *old.* CROW: Plus, he's the only one she hasn't... MIKE: [coughs] CROW: ...played backgammon with. What? What did you think I was going to say? > And right now, Leonardo, whom Sashi has in her >clutches and is under her control." >   "But you've got to stay and take your place as Master! You're the only one who >can stop the Red Eye!" MIKE: [whiny] But, but...all-powerful-self-insertion-character... We need you!! >   "No, I can't. My amulet cannot bring anyone out of the Eye's power unless they >are stuck between themselves and the Eye. TOM: [falsetto] And that's pretty hard to... [drops falsetto] Oh, wait! They're all over the place! People caught between themselves and the Eye are coming out of the woodwork! > But like I said, my friends, >the Turtles, they need me. I belong on Earth, where I grew up. Splinter >and Leonardo are the ones who especially need me now." CROW: As was previously stated. >   "All right. Perhaps I can't make you stay here and become Master, but if you >take me to Marana, I think we'll be able to help you defeat Sashi and end her >control of the Red Eye." MIKE: Okay! Sounds like a plan! TOM: How long is it going to take to resolve this? I *do* have better things to do, you know. >   "Deal. We'll bring you to Marana and you can help us stop the Eye." >We hurried back to the basement, where Marana was waiting for us. Disappearing >into the sewers, we found that our hideout was empty. Only Splinter and my >brothers were left and they were tied to a wall, unconscious. Suddenly, >something struck me CROW: [Michaelangelo] Hey, I've got it! Maybe the Earth is *banana-shaped*! > and everything went dark. > >*   *   * > >When I came to, I found that TurtleNinja and Splinter were now standing over me, ALL: Hi! >waiting for me to awaken. MIKE: They'd been waiting for three days straight, without food or sleep. > The room was a mess. The two of them helped me >to stand and I found that we were missing someone. Arjuna, Splinter, my >brothers, Turtana, Shredder, TOM: Slash, CROW: Metalhead, MIKE: Carrot-Top, TOM: Buddy Hackket, CROW: Puff Daddy, MIKE: Up With People, TOM: Haley Mills *and* Haley Mills, CROW: Suzanne Sommers, MIKE: Broadway, Lexington, TOM: Nefer-tina, Ja-kal, > and TN were the only ones left. >Whoever had struck me had taken Marana. CROW: Oh, is that all? Well, I know she was the mother, but, she was new, so I'm sure she's *expendable...* >   "Guys, what happened?" I asked. >   "Sashi struck you when you returned and they took Marana with them." >Splinter said. >   "I have the strangest sense of deja vu." I said. TOM: Might that be because this is already the *second* time you've been knocked out in this fan-fic? MIKE: No, it's because that's the second time that the author has said that someone had taken Marana. >   "What?" CROW: Oh, come on, even *I* know what deja vu is. TOM: Thank God. >   "I remember when we first fought the Eye and this is how the Room >looked when TurtleNinja and I returned and seen that the tirjils had been there. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Plus, they wrote that note... TOM: [cheery] Hi! We're the tirjils! We hope you've enjoyed our sacking! If you would like to be plundered again, just call! >They wrecked the place and I know for sure that they had killed Mataji. That >was when Turtana here gave us a little scare." >   "I remember that. The tirjils were searching for the book Mataji had written on >the secrets of the Red Eye. CROW: "Everything You Ever Needed to Know about the Red Eye But Were Afraid to Ask." MIKE: If only they had an ISBN number. They could have just ordered it from amazonturtle.com. > I don't know if it said how the Eye was to be defeated, >but now that the tirjils destroyed it, I'm sure that it did. Now we'll never know >how to end the Eye's power." Turtana said. TOM: So who would win in a fight between the Red Eye and the Eye of Argon? MIKE: Well, the Red Eye has the power to be incredibly confusing, but, the Eye of Argon can turn into a big slug-monster. BOTS: Ohhhh. >   "Don't worry. I'm sure that Mataji left a copy of her book with the Guardian." >Arjuna said. CROW: Oh, plus the Eye of Argon is a red *emerald.* The Red Eye's just something that makes you act funny. TOM: Yes, I guess I would be going with Argon on this one. >   "Who's the Guardian?" TN, Splinter, my brothers, Shredder and I asked >simultaneously. MIKE: My guess would be the person that Mataji left her book with. >   "I'll explain later. Sashi knew that we had Marana and where we were hiding so >they attacked when we returned. She's got her and the other tirjils!" Arjuna cursed. TOM: He cursed? I must have missed it. MIKE: I think maybe "explain" is a Yumanan cuss-word. CROW: How could it be? It's all they do! >   "Chill out, will you? If I know Sashi, she'll have left a clue nearby that will >tell us where she's gone." TurtleNinja said softly. CROW: Apparantly, Sashi is also related to the Riddler. >We searched for awhile before we found a message on a computer. TOM: Error in Kernel.486. (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? > TN translated the >Yumanan script for us as she read it aloud. MIKE: [falsetto] It says, "Dear TurtleNinja, knew you would find this note, Ha, ha, I'm not telling you anything! Bite me. Love, Sashi." Hey!! > A heavy silence fell upon the room. >   "She's taken them to Mt. Meyana, which is on the other side of the known >universe." she said. CROW: [falsetto] So I guess we should be there by dark. >   "TurtleNinja, the note said something about a T-class planet. What does that >mean?" Donatello asked. MIKE: Apparently, it means it has mutant turtles on it... >   "It means that it can support life. ALL: Oh. TOM: Color me confused, but I thought that was an *M* class planet. CROW: For all our sakes, Tom, don't try to grope around for a Star Trek crossover. > It would have to be, since Earth life >supports and Yumanan life supports are almost the same. But unfortunately, Sashi >has taken Mataji's ship and I have no idea as to how we are to get plutonium for >the TurtleNinja. MIKE: Wouldn't it be confusing having a person and a ship with the same name? TOM: [Donatello] For crying out loud, don't feed plutonium *to* TurtleNinja; put it *in* *the* TurtleNinja!! > That means that we're stuck here on Yumana while Sashi's got >Leonardo and the others on Mt. Meyana." ALL: On the other side of the known universe. >To Be Continued... > > >Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle TOM: Grrrrr... That wouldn't have anything to do with "Eternal War," would it? CROW: She's going to run out of ways to plagarize herself. >Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle ALL: We noticed. > >By: TurtleNinja > > >Chapter 1 >Marana And Arjuna TOM: Oh, good, the established couple. Does that mean we get another make-out scene? > >   "What do you mean, we're stuck here while they've got Marana and the tirjils >on Mt. Meyana?" I cried. CROW: Ha hahahahaha! You're stuck here! >   "What I mean is, Sashi and Leonardo have taken Mataji's ship and fled to Mt. >Meyana. We need the plutonium for the TurtleNinja and I don't know where to get it." >TN said. TOM: Ludwig Plutonium? Try sci-dot-physics, sci-dot-chem, sci-dot-math... CROW: Or, if you value your sanity, *don't.* >   "Oh, great. Now what do we do? Sit here on our tails?" Raphael asked. MIKE: Well, Raphael just met his in-character-line quota. Anyone else left to say at least one intellegent thing? CROW: We haven't seen anything from Leonardo so far. MIKE: Guess we have *something* to look forward to. >   "No. I'm gonna see if I can make another fuel tank and ..." >   "We don't have to worry. We have enough plutonium to get us to Pluto, where we can >get more." Arjuna said. TOM: See, 'cause it's *Pluto*, and that means there's *plutonium* on it... Heh. >   "How do you know?" I asked. >   "I've run into this problem before." CROW: You mean this isn't the first time you've had to track the evil Red Eye all the way across the universe with no fuel and a crew as dumb as plaster? >   "Okay. We have no choice. We either go to Pluto, or we let Sashi conquer half >the universe in one day." >We immediately packed up, boarded the TurtleNinja [Everyone groans.] MIKE: They mean the ship! Honest! > and headed for Pluto. MIKE: So they're going to buy plutonium from the Slug People? >TurtleNinja told me that she sensed that we had very little time. Since >Sashi and Leonardo had a head start on us, we couldn't afford to let them get >to Mt. Meyana too far ahead of us. If they did, Sashi would have time to gain >control of the others with the Eye. Soon, we were in sight of Pluto TOM: [light dog barking] Bow! Bowbowbowbowbow! MIKE: [Mickey Mouse] Here, Pluto! TOM: [bark] Bow bowbow! >and TN made a gentle touchdown. Since Arjuna had the most experience with >space travel, he would do buisness with the Plutonians. CROW: So is Pluto a "T-class" planet? TOM: Yeah, or do they all die due to lack of heat and atmosphere? > Arjuna >needed someone to help him load up the plutonium and he chose Shredder. MIKE: 'Cause Shredder's a Nice Guy. >We watched them from a porthole, not knowing that Sashi had left a tirjil >to report on us. I could see that they were shivering, despite the heavy suits >that they wore. BOTS: Oh. TOM: Would've been nice for her to mention that earlier, when it would have made sense. > Suddenly, I heard a thump on the roof. MIKE: Ooops. Sorry. Damn space-bugs. >   "Hey, guys? Did you just hear something?" CROW: [falsetto] Did it sound like a dead corpse falling onto the roof? TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yeah... CROW: [falsetto] It's just the engine. >   "No, why?" TurtleNinja asked. >   "Nevermind." MIKE: Isn't that the mountain where the gnomes live? CROW: Hey! I thought you didn't *read* any of Servo's Dungeons and Dragons books! MIKE: Looks like you do, too! CROW: Uhh...whoops. TOM: Heh heh heh. >We watched as Arjuna lifted a hatch below us and as the two of them began to load >the plutonium. Suddenly, I heard that thump again. CROW: Man, those Plutonian birds really drop a load! > But this time, I looked up in >time to see a tirjil drop a huge chunk of ice. TN flung open the porthole in time to >hear Shredder's grunt of ALL: [quickly] No comment! > pain. MIKE: [Shredder] Ow! My skull! > The hatch slammed shut as Arjuna jumped back. A >second later, he burst through the airlock door. By this time, TurtleNinja was >already suited up and running past him through the airlock. TOM: [TurtleNinja/Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the daaaaaaayyy! > A few moments later, >she was back inside, dragging Shredder behind her. A small trickle of blood was >running down his forehead CROW: Oh my God... MIKE: Somebody got hit in the head!!! > and we thought that he was dead. But, obviously, he was >not, for TurtleNinja dragged him to his quarters, pulled him over to the bed of >pillows, and got rid of the overly large snowsuit. MIKE: Oh, good, now Shredder's on TurtleNinja's bed in his long johns. TOM: If that. > Within seconds, he groaned and >started to come around. Blinking, he looked up at TN, confused. TOM: [Shredder] Oh, crap, I'm still in this fan-fic. Here I was thinking it was all a nightmare... >   "TurtleNinja?" >   "Yes, it's me. CROW: [falsetto] I stripped you naked so you would be comfortable! > Just relax, you're going to be okay. Lie back and allow me to MIKE: [falsetto] ...give you the thrill of a lifetime... CROW: Even *I* think that was uncalled for, Mike. >take care of that nasty cut." >   "Sashi." Splinter said softly. >   "What was that, Splinter?" TN asked. TOM: [Splinter] I said "sushi," dammit! I'm hungry! We've been out in space for days, and you know I can't eat that "pizza" crap, and I didn't even get my *donuts* yet! >   "Sashi. She knew that we would have to stop here and left a tirjil for a report. >I think I know what's going on." >   "Tell me then, for I have no idea." CROW: Yes, *please* provide some more exposition in leiu of having to compose some actual action. >   "Sashi left the tirjil to watch out for a report, right? Once the tirjil saw >us, they dropped the ice chunk, hoping to hit your father and leave us stranded. >But there was a mistake and the ice landed on Shredder." >   "I see. I have that feeling, too." MIKE: [falsetto] That...not-so-fresh feeling. >   "What feeling?" >   "Sashi's just been toying with us since the very beginning. The battle's not >ending, it's just beginning." ALL: [Groan] TOM: Sure takes her time in getting to the *point,* doesn't she? >   "What do you mean?" >   "Sashi was just toying with us the first few battles, just so she could see >what kind of 'tirjil warriors' we were. Remember how you're always telling us to CROW: --sit down, shut up, and mind our own business? We forgot. >not show our opponents our skills before attacking? Sashi knew that and got us to >show our skills. Once she found out, she fled for her homeworld, not knowing that we >were alert to her and were in pursuit. When she realized that she was not safe on >Yumana, she fled to Mt. Meyana." TOM: Then, left an easy-to-find *clue* so you would know exactly where she was... Is this making any sense to *anyone*? >With that, TurtleNinja left Shredder's quarters. I assumed that she was heading for >the bridge, where she would pilot the rest of the way to Mt. Meyana. MIKE: Oh, she also knows how to pilot a starship. TOM: Yeah? Yeah? Well...I bet she can't...can't... juggle three apples at once! CROW: Niether can you, Tom! Your arms don't work! TOM: Well, true, but she can't either! > We had no time >to lose. Sashi and Leonardo were already there, that was a definite. But if we >waited any longer, they would have ample time to launch phase one of their plans to >conquer half the universe. CROW: Just the north half. TOM: Hope it's not our half. > But not even TN was ready to face the fact as to why >Sashi wanted Leonardo by her side. MIKE: 'Cause there aren't enough men on her own planet? > I knew ever since we barged in on them on Yumana. >She wanted to annoy TurtleNinja with the fact that she had Leonardo under her >control to do anything she wanted. TOM: Anything. Absolutely anything. He would even do windows! > If TN found out why her sister wanted Leo by >her side, there would be no telling what she would do. MIKE: How about a bloody killing rampage; we haven't had any of those yet. > >Chapter 2 >TurtleNinja's Love > CROW: Mike, permission to wretch? MIKE: Permission granted. CROW: [pause] Maybe I'll save it for when I find out what that chapter title *means.* MIKE: Agreed. >Later, we came into view of Mt. Meyana. Since Sashi and Leonardo would be on the >surface, we decided stay afloat in space until we knew what we were to do. The >TurtleNinja was large enough for us to each have our personal quarters. TOM: I bet TurtleNinja's *ego* is large enough for everyone to have their own personal quarters... > But I >wanted to share my quarters with TN to make sure she would be okay. ALL: Riiiiight. > We were on the >far end of the corridor, and that was where Turtle confronted me with her question. >   "Mikey, CROW: [falsetto] How come I'm worried about Leonardo, but I like you better? MIKE: [falsetto] Why is Shredder a good guy in this fan-fic? TOM: [falsetto] How come people mostly get attacked only in the arms? CROW: [falsetto] Why do people keep getting knocked out, then have to wake up and give me a confused look? MIKE: [falsetto] Does this fan-fic ever *end,* or does it just keep going on, and on, and on...? > I'm worried. I still wonder why Sashi released the others and not >Leonardo. I wonder why she still wants him around. TOM: Face it, TN, she thinks he's a turtle stud-muffin. > I've tried every possible >answer, but none of them seem reasonable enough." she said. >   "Don't worry. I'm sure that it'll come to you. Probably sooner than you think, >too." CROW: [Michaelangelo, muttering] Boy, she ain't the brightest star in the galaxy, is she? MIKE: [falsetto] What? CROW: [Michaelangelo] Nothing... >Softly, TurtleNinja sighed as I slipped my arms around her and pulled her close. >She looked up at me, her face so close that our lips were practically touching. >Then, she leaned forward slightly until her lips met mine. TOM: It really does just go on and on like this, doesn't it? MIKE and CROW: Yup. > I pulled away and >traced TN's cheek with my fingertips. TOM: And now he's blind. I thought that happened from doing things other than kissing. >   "I'd better get going. I've got to make sure that the cook has tomorrow's >orders." >TN rose up from the bed of pillows and disappeared out the door. I was sure >that she was heading down the corridor to the TurtleNinja's kitchens. MIKE: [falsetto] I have this sudden craving for a pickle... >Suddenly, I remembered that the cook wasn't on board yet. Shredder was >acting as the ship's cook. [Laughter.] CROW: He's been demoted from "villain" to "Neelix" all in one fan-fic! > I ran to the kitchens to find her, but no >one was there. I looked at the freezer and saw that the snow beneath the >door had fresh footprints in it. Two-toed footprints. Footprints that >belonged to TurtleNinja. TOM: There *are* other Ninja Turtles on this ship, ya know! What, did he memorize her shoe size? What happens if he goes to kiss it, and it turns out *Donatello's* the one locked in the freezer? > I ran to the door and pulled on it. It didn't >budge an inch. It was locked. MIKE: Hey, maybe Shredder locked her in! BOTS: Whoo-hoo! TOM: [Shredder] Tonight I dine on Turtle-sicle. > Splinter wandered into the kitchen when I >pulled on the door a second time. Realizing that something was wrong, he went to >the side and pulled out a key. Once we got the door open, I ran to TN, who was >sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. MIKE: And you know what that means... ALL: Week-long vigil! > She felt too cold for a turtle, I >realized. CROW: Because they're...cold-blooded... Heh. > Thank goodness she was breathing. Running as fast as I could to >our quarters, I laid her on the bed and pulled the blankets up around her >shoulders. >   "Master Splinter, I want you to get her a cup of hot tea. TOM: [Splinter] Can I get myself a donut, too? > She'll need it >when she wakes up." I said. >He ran back to the kitchens without hesitation and returned in a few moments >with the mug of hot tea. Without any further reason to stay, he returned to >his quarters, MIKE: No reason for Splinter to worry about TN... CROW: Maybe he hates her as much as we do. > leaving me to tend to TN. Finally, after what seemed like an >eternity, CROW: --the fan-fic ended. MIKE: Nope. > she woke up. >   "Mikey? What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember is that >someone had struck me on the head." she said. ALL: Shredder! >   "Shh. It's okay now, TN. Here, drink this. It'll warm you up. TOM: [Michaelangelo] It's got bourbon in it. >The door locked on you and Splinter and I got you out." I said. >TurtleNinja gratefully accepted the mug of hot tea and drank it down. CROW: [gulping noises.] >She leaned back on the large, fluffy pillows and closed her eyes. >As suddenly as she had closed them, she opened them. >   "I'm really worried about what Sashi wants with Leonardo." she said. MIKE: You mean she *still* hasn't figured it out? TOM: Don't patronize her; she'll get it eventually. >   "Don't worry. Soon enough, you'll find out and stop her. Just relax." >I leaned closer to her and slipped my arms around her shoulders. Sighing softly, >TurtleNinja leaned back and rested her head on my chestplate. I couldn't help >but feel a strange sense of deja vu. CROW: As opposed to an *average* sense of deja vu? TOM: This whole fan-fic gives me deja vu. It's just the same things over and over again! >   "Mikey, sometimes I think that we'll have no one else to turn to exept each >other, you know what I mean?" MIKE: Star-bar coming up! We're due another break. BOTS: Yay! [Mike starts to pick up Servo.] >   "Yeah. I don't know if we'll ever get Leonardo back from Sashi." I said. >Our sleep that night was short, but adequate. At about midnight, TN and I would >land on Mt. Meyana ALL: [leaving] We know, we know...on the other side of the universe. > and break into the Tirjil Headquarters to spy on Leo and Sashi. > >*   *   * TOM: [off-camera already] And I still think three stars is way too generous. CROW: Leonard Maltin? Is that you? [Commercials.] [SoL bridge. Mike and Tom are at audience left. Mike is holding Tom's notebook, and Tom is attempting to explain the nuances of robot poetry.] TOM: You see, it doesn't *directly* translate into English. It's more like a translation into programming... That second line, for example... [Crow enters from the right. His eyes seem to be painted red.] CROW: Hi, guys! TOM: Hi, Crow. [continuing] The second line stands for the computer's "Input." In this case... CROW: I'm possessed by the Red Eye! MIKE: That's good, Crow. [to Tom] Oh, so what's the first line? TOM: That's just a line that tells the program it's beginning. MIKE: You have to tell a *poem* that it's beginning? TOM: Well, yes, in order to capture the entire language... CROW: It means I'm evil now! You have to pay attention! TOM: [continuing] ...you have to follow all of its rules. MIKE: I see. CROW: *HELLO?* Red-Eye-possessed-robot over here! MIKE: [turns to Crow] Okay, fine, I'll bite. What do you do now that you're possessed by the Red Eye? CROW: Well...uh... TOM: This better be good. CROW: I guess the same stuff I always do. Only, *now,* I do it evil. MIKE: Like what? CROW: Well, I riff the movies and fan-fics evil. TOM: You already do that. CROW: EvilER. And, I have to follow the tirjils no matter what, and I always do whatever Sashi tells me. MIKE: Sashi's not here. CROW: *Right,* I know that. But, if she *was,* I would do whatever she said. MIKE: Oh. [Sudden cut to Deep 13. Shao Kahn and Pearl are present.] SHAO KAHN: It's working! If I cannot defeat the robots by sapping their will, I shall posess their minds using the Red Eye. Mwa ha ha!! PEARL: So what? Big deal! You're not the Red Eye...they don't have to listen to you! SHAO KAHN: Do too! The Red Eye is Evil, and Evil is me. Therefore, by mathematical proof, I am *so* the Red Eye. Now the golden one will have to do as I command. PEARL: Yeah? Prove it! SHAO KAHN: Hmph. You got it, sister. [Cut to SoL. Mads' light begins flashing.] TOM: [to Crow] Soo...in the meantime...? CROW: I just act generally evil. TOM: What does-- MIKE: [cutting him off] Can it, you two; Elmyra and Mister Skullhead are calling. [Hits the Mads' button.] [Deep 13.] SHAO KAHN: [with much theatrics] Crow... Crow... You have been possessed by the Red Eye... Now you will obey only me... [SoL.] [Crow stares for a moment.] CROW: Bite me! You're not Sashi! I don't have to listen to you! [Deep 13.] PEARL: Toldya. SHAO KAHN: [to Crow] Why not? I'm evil, you're evil, the Eye is evil... [SoL.] CROW: Yeah, but I'm a different kind of evil. [Deep 13.] SHAO KAHN: Crap. Quick! Get me that snotty turtlewoman on the phone! [Exits to the left.] PEARL: [yells after him] Didn't I tell ya? [SoL.] MIKE: Hoo boy. TOM: What a looney, huh? First he tries to steal *my* soul, now this! [Deep 13.] PEARL: Well, just because my newest partner in crime is a few cheese-shreds short of a Gordita doesn't mean I can't make you finish out the Legend of the Red Eye. Eat fan-fic, do-gooders. [Hits the button.] [SoL. Fan-fic sign is flashing.] CROW: Actually, I'm evil now... MIKE: Who cares about that; we've got fan-fic sign! Aaaaaa!! BOTS: Aaaaaaa!! [chaos] [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Mike sets Tom down and sits. Crow sits.] MIKE: So you're going to riff evil now, Crow? CROW: Absolutely. I'm possessed by the Red Eye. TOM: Whoop-de-doo. CROW: You're just jealous. > >Later, early the next morning, TurtleNinja and I landed in a shuttle on Mt. >Meyana, just outside of the Tirjil Headquarters. We knew that we couldn't >go in through the sewers, so we went in through the air ducts. CROW: Typical *good-guy* maneuver. MIKE: What does an evil villain do, Crow? CROW: Oh, I would probably just bust in, both guns blazing. TOM: That is, if you carried guns. CROW: I *could.* > The space >was big enough for the two of us to crawl along side by side. After many >twists and turns, we came to a grating that was in Sashi and Leonardo's room. MIKE: Evil villains *always* make sure there are strategically placed air ducts in their bedrooms. TOM: Yep. It's in the handbook. CROW: Well, nobody's perfect. >It was open enough so that we could see what went on inside, but those >inside, couldn't see us. TOM: *That's* handy. > As we approached, I heard voices. Leonardo >and Sashi's voices. CROW: Oh, I would've figured it was Ricky and Lucy... Thanks for clearing that up. >   "Leonardo, I know that they're here." >   "They can't get here. We left them on Yumana without a ship." >   "They're here, I can sense it. TOM: Is it like a presence that you haven't felt since...? > Please, hold me in your arms and help me to >ignore it. Please, Leonardo, please." TOM: [whiny falsetto] Please? Please? With cotton candy and sugar sprinkles on top? >Silently, TN gasped and raised a three-fingered hand to her lips. Even in the >darkness, I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. A soft moan from >Sashi brought my attention back to her and Leonardo. MIKE: No. No. TOM: Caution! Extreme *Wrongness* ahead! Procede slowly and follow orange signs! > I couldn't really >see them, now that Leo had shut off the lights, MIKE: Thank *God.* > but I didn't need to see >them. CROW: Huh? What do you figure they're doin' in there? MIKE: Backgammon, Crow. CROW: Oh...that's...*wrong!* > TurtleNinja looked out through the grating and whispered; TOM: [falsetto whisper] I think I crawled in some gum... >   "So, this is how you show your love for me, Leonardo." >I looked over at her and back through the grating. I looked over at her and >whispered; MIKE: [Michaelangelo, whispering] Yeah, it was mine. Sorry. >   "We'd better go, TN. We've seen enough." >TurtleNinja nodded and we left the way we came through the air ducts. TOM: Another mission highly successful. CROW: Good guys. Go fig. > We >boarded our shuttle and took off. Within five minutes, we were landing in the >shuttle bay of the TurtleNinja. Later, as we laid on our cots, watching the >stars go by our window, TurtleNinja said; TOM: [falsetto] I'm tired of not knowing how to denote speech within a paragraph! Teach me? >   "It hurts so much to finally find out why Sashi wanted Leo around when I >really wanted to find out." >   "Yeah. I should have known, but I was so blinded by my love for you that >I didn't see how much Leo was falling for Sashi." MIKE: Urk. TOM: [announcer] Leonardo loves Sashi. Michaelangelo loves TurtleNinja. TurtleNinja loves Leonardo *and* Michaelangelo... CROW: And Raphael, and Shredder... MIKE: It's Unconditional Love!... TOM: [announcer] How will it all turn out? Tune in next week to "The Shellbacked and the Restless." >I fell asleep with a frightening dream CROW: Attacked by man-eating socks? > and had no idea how close that dream >was to coming true. > MIKE: Well, if it's man eating socks, then Dexter might have had something to do with it. >Chapter 3 >Sashi And Her Escape To Pluto MIKE: Pluto again? CROW: We just left there! > >The air about me was cold. Everything was dark. The only thing I could see was >the white mists floating all about me. TOM: It was dark; the mist was white. You figure it out. > Suddenly, I heard a scream. CROW: IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! MIKE: [cleaning his ears out] Gee, thanks, Crow. CROW: Anytime. > Then I >found myself lying on the bed in the Room when I was first found by Mataji. I >I looked up and saw someone, but could not tell who. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Bugman? Is that you? > As my blurred vision cleared, I >realized that I was looking up at Master Splinter. The single lantern glowed >behind him, giving the only light. I looked around, seeing that there were five >cots nearby. [Mike is counting on his fingers.] > Leonardo was the closest one, with TurtleNinja next to him. CROW: On the *same cot*? MIKE: [finishing counting] Nope. Different cots. And Michaelangelo's on the last one. It works out. TOM: Oh, but where does *Shredder* get to sleep? MIKE: The kitchen. >Splinter looked down at me and spoke. >   "My son, you're awake. It's over. It's finally over. TurtleNinja's defeated the >Red Eye." TOM: [Splinter] You were unconcious, but I neither ate nor slept until you awoke. >His voice sounded tired...he probably never went to sleep since my rescue. TOM: D'oh! >Suddenly, the room began to shake. By now, the others were awake, their eyes wide >with fear. TN screamed and I now saw why. CROW: Pauly Shore? > The light in the lantern now had a >reddish tint to it. The tint grew brighter until it was all I could see. Red. >Red light all about. [Bots make siren sounds.] MIKE: [loudspeaker voice] We are on Red Alert! Red Alert! > The voice startled me at first, not knowing whose >voice it was. >   "Michaelangelo, come. Follow me. I shall take you far away." CROW: Yep! That's just what it's like to be possessed by the Red Eye! It happened to me during that commercial break. >TN! Her voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. Then, I looked up into >the red light. TurtleNinja's face seemed to appear out of nowhere in the harsh, >red light. CROW: Ew! Not that part! That's too scary! >   "Michaelangelo!" >I looked into the red inferno and saw that there were two tirjils >holding her down. Sashi was in front of them, raising her Katana. MIKE: No, I think that this is the cool part, Crow. CROW: Yeah, that Sashi's a real babe-ariffic. Rwor. >Then, out of nowhere, Leonardo appeared. >   "Sashi." >At the sound of his voice, Sashi turned to him, ignoring TN. >   "Leonardo! I knew you'd come!" [Tom starts humming the "Romeo and Juliet" theme.] >At the sound of her words, Leonardo's eyes narrowed unpleasantly. MIKE: Hey! He learned that trick from Sashi! >   "No, Sashi. I have not come for you. I have come for TurtleNinja. She is >mine and belongs with me. You do not deserve to have me. You deserve the fate >of your sister." ALL: Huh? CROW: I don't get it, Mike. Does that mean there's a *third* one? >Sashi screamed and then...vanished. Then I heard another scream. It kept going >and never stopped. > >*   *    TOM: Two stars. Yes, I would consider that a *lot* more accurate. MIKE: One-and-a-half is closer. > >My eyes opened with a start. TurtleNinja sat up next to me in a flash and I >realized why the scream kept going and never stopped. I was the one >screaming. CROW: Well, if I dreamed about TN, I'd scream, too. > TN got out of her cot, walked over to me and sat down next to >me on my cot. She slipped her arms about my shoulders and I realized that I >was shaking uncontrollably. MIKE: [falsetto] Come on now, let TurtleNinja make it all better... > Splinter and the others burst into our room >and ran towards us. By now, I had stopped screaming, but I was still shaking >and bathed in a cold sweat. TOM: [commercial announcer] Yes, a Cold Sweat! For that shower-fresh feeling all day long, bathe *yourself* in Cold Sweat today! >   "Mikey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" she asked. CROW: [Michaelangelo] No...I think I wet myself... >   "No, I'm not okay. I had a bad dream. I don't really know what the dream means, >but I can guess that it symbolizes Sashi's defeat and your gaining control of the >Red Eye so you can destroy it." I said. MIKE: So what made that a *bad* dream? CROW: TurtleNinja was *in* it, Mike. She was *there.* [Shudders.] >   "We can destroy the Eye, I know that, but how?" CROW: Well, have you tried dousing it with curry? That sometimes destroys evil artifacts. Tom: Let me get out my DMG. I'll roll on the "how to destroy an artifact" table... >   "I don't know. Maybe that amulet your father spoke of...the Amulet of the Red >Mist. I think we'll find it on Yumana." MIKE: --At the convience store. They come in six-packs. >   "Yes, we can. There's a spiritual leader of the land of Delpha on Yumana that >might be able to help you." Arjuna said. TOM: Oh. You know, I used to have an internet connection through "Delpha." CROW: [sarcastic] Ooo, Usenet posts. Funnnn.... >   "Anything to help destroy the Eye. Right now, though, I want to see what more >Sashi has done to Leonardo." TOM: That's funny... I *don't.* > >*   *   * > >We snuck into City Hall by way of the air ducts CROW: Do giant turtles *fit* in air-ducts? MIKE: Yumanan air ducts are tailor-made for shellbacks. CROW: Oh. > and came to the room that Sashi >and Leonardo shared. They were there, but it appeared that they were preparing for >a long journey. They had on their beds what appeared to be suitcases MIKE: --at least, to the untrained eye. TOM: They're really bazookas. > and were >storing all their belongings inside. CROW: Oh, come on! What do you need *five* blue eye-masks for? > Then, without any further reason to stay, >they both left the room with the suitcases. We followed them to the shuttle bay, >where they boarded a spaceship and took off. TOM: We did absolutely nothing to try and stop them, but that's because we're morons! > As soon as they were out of sight, I >kicked the grating out and we leapt from the air ducts onto some very surprised >tirjils. The one I landed on was Marana. [fakey laughter] MIKE: Golly, how awkward. >   "Get off me, you fool!" she cried. >   "Who the...?" I asked, getting up off her, not knowing who I had landed on. >Her voice was surprising and very familiar. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Mom? Is that you? TOM: [falsetto mumblings} Mmmmrrrph! Mmrrrrr...!! CROW: [Michaelangelo] Mom? >   "Michaelangelo?" >   "Marana?" CROW: Mork? TOM: Mindy? MIKE: MMMMMMaaaarissa Amber Flores Picard? BOTS: Ew! >   "So this is where Sashi held all of the missing tirjils!" TN cried. TOM: [falsetto] Silly us! We checked her sock drawer! >   "Yes. She kept us waiting here until we were needed for their launch to Yumana." >   "Yumana!" we cried in unison. MIKE: Where else? Pluto? >   "Yes." >   "Oh, no! She's going back to Yumana to get the Amulet of the Red Mist and >destroy it. Then I'll be powerless to stop her." TurtleNinja said. CROW: So, what's the difference between *this* amulet and the amulet she *already* has? MIKE: This new one can beat Johnny Junior's in a fight. CROW: Wow! >   "She won't get it. The Guardian will have her answer some questions that only >the true Master would know. CROW: [Man from Scene 24] What...is your name? TOM: Master of the Trijils. CROW: What...is your quest? TOM: I seek the Amulet of the Red Mist. > That was a precaution taken so that the amulet would >not be stolen and destroyed by the Master's enemies. CROW: [contiuing the act] What...is the land-speed velocity of an unladen Ninja Turtle? TOM: Terran, or Yumanan? CROW: I don't know...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! [Mike clamps his beak.] MIKE: Enough Holy Grail, guys, and watch the fan-fic. > The Guardian is immortal >until the Master has claimed the amulet. We must hurry!" Arjuna said. > CROW: I don't have to watch the fan-fic. I'm evil. MIKE: Then watch it because you enjoy watching Tom and me suffer. CROW: Okay. >Chapter 4 >Obtaining The Amulet > >We raced through the halls of the compound and returned to the TurtleNinja. >We darted aboard and headed towards Yumana with warp speed. [Generic warp-speed noises.] TOM: Oh, no! They've gone to *plaid!* CROW: Yep, I'm evil. Yes I am. >   "So what's the name of the Guardian?" TN asked. TOM: Guesses, anyone? CROW: I'm putting in a guess for "La-turtalla." MIKE: Yeah, or what about "Turt-tina"? CROW: Nah, too close to "Turtana." MIKE: Oh. >   "We don't know. I do know the name of his caretaker, who just happens to be >his granddaughter. Her name is Zenobia. TOM: Oooooohhhh, I'm sorry. Looks like all bets are off. MIKE: That's not the *Guardian;* it's his health-care worker! CROW: Yeah! It's like Daphne on Fraiser! TOM: Well, it's close enough. > She guards him and is his >caretaker until his death." Arjuna said. >   "Zenobia? What does she look like? Will she be able to leave with us?" >Donatello asked. MIKE: [Donatello] Is she hot? 'Cause I haven't had a love interest in this fan-fic yet... >   "Funny you should ask. I've never met her. In fact, nobody knows much >about her or her grandfather. TOM: My guess is that she's a little hot turtle that sticks around and bothers the rest of this fan-fic. > The Delphines CROW: [quick] Daphne. > are very secluded >and distrust outsiders. We'll find out when we get to Delpha. TOM: [quick] Delphi. >I've set the coordinates for the mountain where they live, which is just >outside Delpha's capital city." Arjuna said. Within moments, we were >landing on Yumana. MIKE: [theme park announcer] Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle until it has come to a complete stop. Exit to your right, and enjoy the rest of your day here at Yumanaland. > As quickly as we could, we >ran from the ship and up the mountain to the cave where Zenobia and her >grandfather awaited us. I lit a torch and handed it to TurtleNinja, who >led the way into the cave. TOM: Oh, did we mention that, in addition to having immense psychic powers, she's a living *compass*? MIKE: Chill, Tom, it's just fan-fic. >We walked through many corridors before we came to a large room that was >very long and half as wide. At the end of a long walkway was a reptilian >figure on what might have been a throne, CROW: He's sitting on the throne? Well, fine time to interrupt! MIKE: This is starting to give me weird "This Island Earth" flashbacks. > and above him was a small case which held >what was the amulet. TOM: --at one time. It was currently serving the Guardian as a damn good faxmodem. > The walkway itself was marble and clean, clear water >surrounded it on both sides. We could see the exotic-looking fish and >plants on the bottom. TN was the first to approach. CROW: [splashing noises] MIKE: [falsetto] Did they just wax these marble floors? TOM: [falsetto] Sorry about that rare Australian Angelfish... CROW: [Guardian] Just watch out for the piranha. MIKE and TOM: [assorted falsetto screams.] > But before she could >get to the throne, Zenobia walked up to her and questioned her in Yumanan. CROW: [Zenobia] Donde esta el bano, senorita? >TurtleNinja answered her TOM: [TurtleNinja] En la biblioteca! > and Zenobia stepped aside, casting a quick, >curious glance at us. I heard Donatello take in a breath when he saw her, [Everyone groans.] MIKE: This is starting to get ridiculous. CROW: *Starting?* >but she was too far away to hear him. It took us fifteen minutes of TN >and Zenobia's grandfather talking to one another in Yumanan [Mike starts to hum Jeopardy theme.] TOM: [falsetto] Par-le vooo fran-say? CROW: [falsetto] Hannn...mi buki...! TOM: [falsetto] Kupi ko po pow? CROW: [falsetto] Tl'ingnan kohl del jhatla! > before he >arose and took the Amulet of the Red Mist from its case. He then turned >back to TurtleNinja and slipped the amulet around her neck, speaking >a chant as he did so. TOM: [Gaurdian] Hummmminahuminahumina... E pluribus unim! > TN then arose from her kneeling position and >turned back towards us, MIKE: [TN] That was neat! Is it time for lunch now? > nodding towards Zenobia in a gesture of gratitude. >   "So, now what's the plan?" I asked. ALL: Pizza! >   "I don't know. I have no way of knowing how we're to defeat the Eye with the >amulet." TN said. CROW: I think you just point and shoot! >   "Perhaps I can help." a quiet voice said. >We all turned around to face Zenobia. It was obvious that she was the one who >had spoken. MIKE: --since she was the only one behind us? TOM: Since she was needed as a love interest for Donatello. >   "Go ahead. If you know something that could help, please tell us." TurtleNinja >said. >   "If you confront the Eye, you will only have to use it once and the person or >persons around you will be released. MIKE: [sarcastic] Well, that helps. TOM: Specify "use it." > This will only work if you haven't been >fighting the Eye too long." CROW: Well, then, they're screwed. It's the "Eternal War," remember? Looks like the Red Eye and I are in the clear! >   "I don't know if you have knowledge of Earth time, but we've been fighting the >Eye for about six months." Donatello said. TOM: We've been reading this fan-fic for about six *decades.* MIKE: [starts counting on his fingers again.] >   "If I remember right, you would have to be battling it for eighteen Earth >months for it to be too late. MIKE: [mumbling] ...then there was that vigil thing...then... [continued mumbling] > How many are possessed by the Eye as of right now? >Have you defeated most of them in these last six months?" >   "Most of them, yes. There's only a small handful left. Sashi, my sister, CROW: Shari Lewis and Lamp Chop, TOM: Uma Thurman, CROW: Drew Carrey, TOM: The cast of Days of Our Lives! CROW: The Spice Girls! MIKE: [still counting] TOM: Tom Hanks! CROW: Billy Crystal! >and Leonardo, my closest friend and brother to the other Earth turtles here, CROW: Wait...how many people was that? TOM: I lost count. >plus a few others." TN said. MIKE: [mumbling] ...then that *other* vigil thing... >   "Then it is not too late. If we can free the tirjils and Leonardo, then we >will have a very good chance of releasing your sister, too." Zenobia said. MIKE: [throws up his hands] Ohh...forget it. Six months, six years... who cares? TOM: That's the spirit, Mike! Rot with the rest of us! >She turned back to her grandfather and said something in Yumanan. She then turned >back to us and said; MIKE: [falsetto] Anybody up for some waffles? CROW: [whistle] >   "I will come with you. I have a feeling that you'll be needing my help." >Waving goodbye to Zenobia's grandfather, ALL: Bye, Zenobia's Grandfather! TOM: Thanks for stoppin'! > we walked out of the cave, down the >mountain, and back to the TurtleNinja. TN and I returned to our quarters and >went to bed. CROW: We can't stress enough that males and females always sleep in the *same room* on this ship. > >*   *   * > >That night, while TurtleNinja and I slept in preparation for our next battle >with the Eye, Donatello and Zenobia watched the stars go by the windows in the >quarters that they shared. CROW: Repeat. We *can't* *stress* *this* *enough.* >   "You know, Donatello, my people have a legend of the stars and why they're up in >the sky." Zenobia said. TOM: It involves penguins, several canisters of WD-40, and a lot of taffy. >   "Really? I'd like to hear it." Donnie replied. MIKE: [falsetto] My people say they're balls of gas burning millions of miles away. TOM: [Nathan Lane] Puumba, to you, everything's gas. >   "It's said that our ancestors went up into the afterlife in balls of fire and >that they are seen at night, watching over us and helping us make good decisions." TOM: [falsetto] Like which brand of toothpaste to use... >   "Cool. Being a devoted scientist, I tend to believe that ghosts are just >trauma-induced hallucinations. [Cheers erupt from the group.] CROW: Whooo-hoo! Donatello's in-character-line!! MIKE: We have quota, ladies and gentlemen; we *have* quota! > But personally, I believe that they could be >something more." >They shut off the lights, crawled into bed, TOM: For the sake of my sanity, I'm picturing *seperate* beds... CROW and MIKE: Yeah. > and went to sleep, knowing that we >would defeat the Red Eye and soon. > TOM: Well, it's about *time*! CROW: No! The Red Eye will triumph! >part 2 of Legend Of the Red Eye 4 MIKE: With three parts to go and counting... TOM: Says *you,* Mister "only five parts in the story." >Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle > >By: TurtleNinja > > >Chapter 5 >Sashi Returns > >Later the next morning, as TurtleNinja and I came down to the TurtleNinja's >kitchens, we found the others glumly eating breakfast. CROW: [random "other," grumbling] Darn lousy oat bran... > TN looked at them >with surprise. > "What's wrong? What's happened now?" she asked. TOM: [random "other"] We're out of Fruity Yummy Mummy. > "Sashi." Splinter said sadly. MIKE: [Splinter] Sushi! Not pizza! I told you I *hate* eating Cap'n Crunch pizza for breakfast! CROW: [Splinter] I want a donut! > "What's she done now?" I asked. > "She's taken Leonardo and what's left of her tirjil army and retreated to >a different part of the galaxy. Zenobia says that she's taken them to a >planet called Vanabria, [Assorted laughter] TOM: Vena-bra! Planet of laengere! > which is on the edge of the known universe. CROW: Umm...the...uh...*other* edge. > If >we don't get to her soon, she'll have time to conquer that part of the >universe, mainly the galaxy in which Dimension X is located. MIKE: Well, they'll run into the Vulture Warriors then. TOM: Wait! Hold the phone! Dimension X is another *dimension,* not another *planet* in another *galaxy;* that would be why it's called *Dimension* X as opposed to *Planet* X... CROW: Yeah! This story is messed up! > Right now, that's >where she's taken Leonardo. Vanabria is light-years away and we'll need to get >on course immediately in order to get to them on time." ALL: [by rote] On the other edge of the known universe. > Donnie told us. > "Why? Why would Sashi take Leonardo to the ends of the universe to conquer >it?" TurtleNinja asked. CROW: Oo! Is this like at the end of that one A-Ko movie, where they go to the Nexus of All Realities and meet themselves in a world that makes sense? MIKE: Nice dream, but, probably not. TOM: Since when did *Project A-Ko* make sense? > "I guess it was a desperate maneuver to get away from us. But of course, I >sense Leonardo's true presense...wherever he may be." Splinter said. > "Well, I guess I'll eat breakfast and then start our course." TN said. MIKE: [falsetto] Well, enough of all that gloomy stuff! Don't be a Grouchy Gus, now! > "No, we need to get going. I'll go and start out." Marana said. TOM: [TurtleNinja] I just...said...that! >She got up and headed in the direction of the bridge and we soon felt the >TurtleNinja's main engines start up. I, too, could sense Leonardo's presense. >We all shared a telepathy and nothing could keep that away. But there was more. TOM: [announcer] Yes, much more! With your telepathy you will also recieve...this handy multi-purpose slicer! Use it on fruits! Vegetables! People you don't like very much! >I had to find out what, since the tirjils destroyed Mataji's book and we didn't >remember to ask the Guardian for the other copy. MIKE: Another copy of "Reptile Pirates of Lust"? CROW: No, the other book. "Dave Barry Does Yumana." MIKE: Oh. > That meant that I would have >to ask Marana or Zenobia about what the Eye truly was and how it affected one's >body. I found Zenobia with Donatello CROW: ...if you know what I mean... > in the engineering section of the >TurtleNinja. > "Zenobia, can I ask you a few questions?" I asked. > "Can it wait, Michaelangelo? We're kinda busy with important buisness." TOM: [Michaelangelo] Like? CROW: Like...important *nude* business... >Donnie said impatiently from beneath one of the generators. CROW: ...Zenobia perched on top of him... [pause] CROW: Hey, cool! This is easy! MIKE: This material is starting to nauseate me. What did you say? CROW: Nothing. > "Cool it, Donnie. Yeah, go ahead." Zenobia said. >Donatello scooted out on his shell from beneath the generator he was working >on and shot her a dirty look before scooting back under to work on whatever it >was that he was fixing. BOTS: [tittery giggles] MIKE: *What* were you guys talking about? BOTS: [quickly] Nothing! MIKE: One decent in-character moment and you screw it up for everyone. BOTS: We're sorry. > "I know that there's more to the Eye than what is here. I read >Mataji's book before it was destroyed and I remember it saying >something about the Eye being some sort of evil thing. TOM: [sarcastic] NO! > Not human, >but more of an emptiness, a void. CROW: So, it's like watching "North" then? > Am I right?" > "Yes. The Eye is not something that is human, but it's a void that >takes over someone and their soul is trapped inside the void. CROW: Yeah, yeah, yeah, been there; done that; got the T-shirt... > The only way the >Eye can do this is by making the person it intends to take afraid. Once >that person is under control, it spreads to others that can be affected >by mere contact with that person. [Mike and Tom look at Crow.] CROW: What? Do I smell funny or something? > Kinda like an outbreak, if you will." TOM: Yep. Why there's Dustin Hoffman now! > "So? That still doesn't explain Leonardo. Is there anything else?" TOM: Umm...Mike? I feel kinda...light-headed... MIKE: It's getting to you, too, huh? > "Yeah. I have heard of cases in which the person has been forced to face >certain demise and, as is expected, became afraid. Is this what happened?" TOM: Remember that dizziness you felt a minute ago? MIKE: Yeah... TOM: I don't think it was just the fan-fic. > "I think so. There was a battle before the Red Eye showed up and >Leonardo had been captured. He must have been forced to face his end and >when he was afraid, the Eye took him. I think I know where he really is. MIKE: Sooooo...now we're all possessed by the Red Eye. TOM: Pretty much. MIKE: Damn. CROW: Aw, come on! It's fun! >He's in that void you spoke of. I can feel his presense everywhere. >He's been trying to contact me and tell me of what's happening, all in hopes >that the Eye will be destroyed and reality restored." TOM: Looks like our fate depends on a group of pubescent, horney, mutant turtles all locked in one co-ed spaceship and lead by a self-insertion character. MIKE: This is all pretty scary. > "Yes, I..." >Zenobia was interrupted by a loud explosion coming from behind her. MIKE: I see that Ted Kazinsky's letter finally got to Donatello. >We turned in time to see Donatello go flying across the room from beneath >the generator he was working on. CROW: [Donatello] aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa.....!!! > He hit the wall and slumped to the floor. CROW: [Donatello] Oof. That was fun! Again! >Running over to him, I said; > "Whoa, dude, you okay?" TOM: Hey! When you're possessed by the Red Eye, lines start looking in character! > "Yeah. I'm a little stunned, but I did fix the problem." Donnie said, >holding up a small wire. CROW: So, he was bugged, then? > "That was the problem?" Zenobia asked. MIKE: [Donatello] Yup. Damn pesky wires are all over in there! You should *see* it! > "Yeah. The TurtleNinja's main generator had been tampered with >before we left Yumana. Whoever messed with it knew that we were after >Sashi and Leonardo." TOM: At this point, is there *anyone* that doesn't know that piece of information? CROW: Maybe one of the mutant slug-people didn't know. >I turned to go back to my quarters and tell TN about what Zenobia said when I >was stopped. > "Oh, and, Michaelangelo?" >I turned and faced Zenobia. > "Take care, okay? TOM: [singing] Take good care of my... tuuurrtle... > You and TurtleNinja are the only ones who can defeat the >Eye." she said. > "Don't worry, I will." I said and continued on to find TN. >I found her in our quarters, instead of on the bridge, helping Marana. MIKE: Helping Marana do *what* in the quarters? Dust? CROW: No, she's *not* helping Marana in the quarters. Instead of on the bridge. >She was sitting on our bed, looking down at a picture of her and Leonardo >when we had a small birthday party for her in Greece. MIKE: Wait...she was looking at a picture, so they had her birthday in Greece? CROW: I want a birthday party in Greece! > They were in the >ocean, coming in on a wave together on Leonardo's surfboard. Her head was >down and she was crying softly. CROW: In the picture? MIKE: Wouldn't that make it hard to surf? > I knew that she realized that all the good >times she had with Leo would be gone forever if she didn't defeat the Red >Eye...and soon. TOM: So that's a running total of three misplaced modifiers in one paragraph alone. MIKE: I guess. > "Hey, TN, come on. I miss Leo just as much as you do. So what? CROW: [Michaelangelo] It's not like we actually *liked* him or anything. > We >can defeat the Red Eye. I know we can. I just got done talking to Zenobia >and she's told me some helpful information about the Eye." I said. MIKE: She also mentioned something about the FBI blowing up a building in Dallas to cover up the bodies of three firemen and one little boy. > "Really? Tell me." she said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] She says it's *red.* And it's an *eye.* > "Zenobia told me that the Eye is really just a void in reality and >that the person's soul is trapped in it when the Eye takes over their body. MIKE: Hey, *that* can't be right! I thought you guys didn't *have* souls! TOM: [sotto voce] Well, actually, we *do,* Mike, just don't tell Shao Kahn, okay? CROW: [sotto voce] Yeah, that would really mess things up. Better he doesn't know. >She said that Leo must have been forced to face his end and became afraid. >That's when the Eye took him." > "Y'know, that makes a lot of sense. The Eye took my sister because she was >afraid of living. MIKE: When were *you* afraid, Crow? CROW: Eh, I saw a spider; got a little freaked out. > We are unaffected because we are fearless before the Eye. TOM: Despite the fact that TurtleNinja screams bloody murder every five paragraphs. >Now, let's prepare for our search. We are about to land on Vanabria." TN said. > >Chapter 6 >Splinter's Spirit MIKE: Oh! I guess in this chapter, Splinter's spirit leaves his body and begins a journey, and the turtles have to meditate to bring him back to life! CROW: Shut up, Mike. > >When we landed on a shuttle on Vanabria, TurtleNinja knew that we were in the >right city. Its name, we did not know, TOM: "Secrete de Victoria on the planet Vena-bra." MIKE: They land on a completely foriegn planet and pick the right city? I'd be lucky to find the right *state.* > but we knew where to look for Sashi and >Leonardo. CROW: The broom closet! > We knew that there would be guards, so we came up through the >sewers. TOM: If I was a villain in a Ninja Turtles fan-fic, I would make sure that there were *no* passages leading from the *sewer* to the inside of my evil compound. Maybe that's just me. > As we seached the building for Sashi and Leonardo, we were unaware >of the fact that there were a few tirjils following us. MIKE: Well, they posted guards *around* the sewer...that's a plus. CROW: I would have had guns pointing at the sewer. > We finally arrived >outside of Sashi and Leonardo's room. I could hear Leonardo's soft snoring >inside. Since it was nighttime, TOM: ...which I previously, in my haste to bring you all this action, forgot to mention... > we knew that Sashi and Leo would be sound asleep >and that we could take them by surprise. TN used her dagger to pick the lock >on the door. The door sprang open and we stepped inside. ALL: Surprise!! CROW: [falsetto] Hi! Did ya miss us? > On the bed laid Leonardo >and Sashi was curled up safely in his arms. Leonardo's blue eyemask, >kneepads, elbowpads, and wrist guards were lying on a nearby chair with his >belt and Katanas. TOM: Oh my God! CROW: Say it ain't so! He's completely NAKED! MIKE: Guys, he still has a shell that covers most of his body... TOM: That's not what TN wants you to remember... > Sashi's Katana was resting on the nightstand. CROW: What exactly are they *hinting* here, Mike? > It appeared >that they were ready for an attack, MIKE: Why, that they were ready for an attack, of course! CROW: Oh. TOM: I *always* strip naked in preparation for an attack. If it's good enough for ancient Greeks at the Olympics, it's good enough for me! > for I could see that both Leonardo's and >Sashi's Katanas were within easy reach of their hands. CROW: Eh, Tom, you don't wear clothes *anyway.* TOM: I'm *always* prepared for an attack. > I glanced back over at >the sleeping pair on the bed. We faded into the shadows of the room. MIKE: Neat trick! CROW: So TurtleNinja is Nightcrawler now? > As soon as >we did so, Sashi stirred and awakened. TOM: [Sashi] Huh? I thought I heard someone in here developing new superpowers spontaniously! Oh, well... > She gently shook Leonardo and he, too, >awoke. Sashi appeared to be saying something to Leo, but I couldn't figure out >what she was saying MIKE: Couldn't figure it out? They're in the same room!! > before they turned over onto their sides and went to >sleep. TurtleNinja silently drew her Katana and stole over to the bed. CROW: She stole the bed right from under them? Now *that* is a neat trick. MIKE: I guess she did it by merging with a shadow. > As she >approached the sleeping pair, Sashi bolted upright. TN quickly removed her >amulet and tossed it to me. TOM: [falsetto] Think fast! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I got it! [Crashing and breaking noises.] Ooops. > I caught it as she whirled around to face >Leonardo and slipped it on. CROW: Huh? She slipped on the amulet that *he* had? > Leo was standing in front of Sashi, Katanas drawn. >Sashi gently pushed him aside and stepped in front of us. > "You really think you can defeat us? Take a good look around. There are >thirty of us and but two of you." Sashi spat out hatefully. MIKE: Really? I kinda thought that was the sort of speech one delivers in an undertone...sort of a..."spat out innocently." > "You can be defeated. Soon you will have no one but yourself and your >hateful feelings, Sashi." TurtleNinja said, softly, but firmly. > "No! I cannot be defeated! Tirjils, take them away!" Sashi cried angrily. CROW: Maybe she'd have better luck if she were surrounded by Calgons. > "Mike, when I give the word...run!" she said. > "What...when?" I asked. TOM: [Michaelangelo, stupid] Duhhh...what's dat mean? CROW: Oh, direct me, powerful self-insertion character!! > "Scramble!" >With that one cry, TurtleNinja went one way and I went the other. CROW: Yes, I suppose that *would* constitute a "scramble." > I saw >Leonardo stumble off to one side and realized that TN had shoved him aside. A >muttered curse escaped his lips as he took pursuit. MIKE: [Leonardo] TurtleNinja, I curse you with the curse of a thousand years... > "Damn!" MIKE: Oh. Never mind. >I was busy with a handful of tirjils and couldn't help her. I took one of my >nunchakus TOM: "Nunchaku" IS the plural. No "s." It's Japanese. CROW: Fan-fic writers don't know any Japanese! Remember all those pathetic "Sailor Senshis" fics? MIKE: Nani? > and tossed it in the direction of Sashi, who was running after Leo. >I saw her fall forward for a second before I was pulled back by the small >group of tirjils. I was caught! > > Ohmanohmanohman! CROW: Wow! That'll make your spell-checker overheat. TOM: Suggested corrections: Oman Oman Oman; Ohio Ohio Ohio... > I hope TurtleNinja can escape, I thought. CROW: The rest of us are hoping she dies. > >I was quickly blindfolded and dragged off. I felt myself being lowered into a >small rowboat. Someone was beside me, but who? TOM: And...let's see who our mystery guest is...bring her out, Johnny! MIKE: Why it's Charon, Boatman of the River Styx! > Suddenly, the blindfold was >whisked off. I took a moment to adjust to the sudden light and then looked >of to my left. TN! TOM: [fake gasp] What a shocker! > We were sitting in a small rowboat that was headed for >the middle of the lake. It was piloted by a few tirjils MIKE: Ah, the injustice of the Trijil Slave Trade. CROW: They don't care, Mike! They're having fun! Remember, they're all possessed by the Red Eye! MIKE: Aye-yi-yi... CROW: Exactly! > and I briefly looked >towards shore. There stood Sashi and Leonardo...and they were waving at us! CROW: [Bugs Bunny] Bon Voya-gie! See you in St. Louie! >Off to the west, storm clouds grew on the horizon. MIKE: They were well-watered, and fertilized twice a week. TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] A storm at sea? Wow... *there's* a big shock. I would've *never* seen *that* one coming. > I leapt up and >shoved the nearest tirjil overboard. Another one, off to my right, grabbed >my shoulder and tried to do the same to me. CROW: Looks like we're in for another battle sequence based solely on injuries to the *arm.* > I thrust my elbow back and sent >the tirjil backwards and overboard. Since we were in a small boat, there >weren't many tirjils. But our only problem was, the boat was too small >for even a small scuffle. It started to rock. MIKE: --and roll! TOM: [exaggerated Tina-Turner signing] Prrrroooouud Mary keep on burnin'! > Suddenly, TN was flung into >me by the remaining two tirjils. With the boat rocking like it was, it >didn't take much to send us backwards... and overboard! CROW: Splash! Can I bring back some of the "Titanic" jokes now? MIKE: No Leonardo, Crow. CROW: Darn. > When I resurfaced, >the tirjils had helped their companions back aboard and they were paddling >away towards shore. The waves began to churn as the storm hit. I looked >around for TurtleNinja, but she was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, I felt >something brush against my legs. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Gah! Jellyfish! > I reached down and grabbed a three-fingered >reptilian hand. CROW: Which was previously on his *thigh.* Why does that make me feel dirty? MIKE: It does that to all of us, Crow. > Lifting with all my strength, [Various grunting and groaning noises.] > I pulled TN's limp body to the >surface. For some reason, I remembered her amulet that was, to my surprise, >still around my neck. CROW: Probably due to it hitting me on the chest... > Supporting TN with one arm, I slipped the amulet from >my neck and hoped that Splinter would be able to hear my psychic cry for >help. Raising the amulet to the sky with my free hand, I called out; TOM: [overly-deep] "Sword of Omens! Give me sight beyond sight!" > "Master Splinter, if you can hear me, don't let me down and help me! >TurtleNinja's hurt!" >Strangely, as I said this, I felt a feeling of calm. CROW: [matter-of-factly] But that was probably because the hypothermia was starting to kick in and I was slowly and peacefully dying. > Slipping the amulet back >around my neck, I started to tread water, knowing that I wouldn't be able to >swim to shore with TN in my arms. I soon grew tired and began to think that >I was all alone when a boat drifted towards us from the mists of the raging >storm. TOM: [The Skipper] Heyyy there, little buddy! Lookin' for a ride? > They stopped next to us and I allowed them to haul her aboard. MIKE: Without even bothering to ask who "they" were. CROW: Plutonian Slug-People? > I grabbed >the side of the boat and tried to pull myself aboard, but was too tired. Two >of the others grabbed my arms and hauled me aboard. [More grunting and straining noises.] MIKE: [grizzled-sailor-voice] Yikes, Melvin, that's one big sea-tortoise ya got there! They're never gonna believe this one! > Unable to help myself, I >fell asleep next to TN on the deck of the small rowboat. > >* * * TOM: The next morning, Michaelangelo and TurtleNinja find themselves research subjects for the rest of their lives. The end. > >When I came to, I found that I was back on the TurtleNinja in the quarters that >I shared with TurtleNinja. [All groan.] TOM: *That* was cheap! They got picked up by strangers and dropped off at *home?* > I looked around for her and found her on the bed >of fluffy pillows and cushions, not far from where I was on the sofa. There were >some tirjils looking over her. Silently, I got up from my spot and walked over >to them. Reaching over, I yanked the cloakhood off the nearest one. CROW: The...uh..."cloakhood"? MIKE: The hood of the cloak. It's...kind of a word. TOM: TurtleNinja-ese. > As the >tirjil whirled around, I saw who he was. > "Master Splinter!" ALL: [muted trumpet] Wha-wha-wha... >I dropped the mask and stared at him with surprise. I stumbled back, stunned. > "Michaelangelo, it's okay! I heard your psychic distress call and we came >immediately to help." he said softly. > "What are you doing in tirjils' uniforms?" I asked. CROW: Because we're...posessed by the Red Eye again! Whee! It's fun! MIKE: Actually, Crow, it's pretty stupid. CROW: Is not! > "When I told the others about you, Turtana decided that we should wear >them...just in case Sashi was still around. That way, she would think that we >were just another bunch of her warriors. But she wasn't there and you and >TurtleNinja are safe now." MIKE: Come on; we'll figure it out later. Break time. [Picks up Servo] > "They're gone? Where?" TOM: [On his way out] They've gone to Disney World! > "We don't know. Their ship was gone when we arrived...and we have no idea >where they've gone." [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge. Mike is audience left looking at himself in a small hand mirror. The Bots flank him from behind. Crow's eyes, are, of course, still red. Mike is inspecting his own eyes carefully.] MIKE: Oh...I don't know...they don't *look* red to *me!* CROW: Maybe it's different with humans. I think you have to be enraged first, Mike. MIKE: Enraged? CROW: Sure. Like this! [Crow jostles abruptly as if stepping on Mike's toe.] MIKE: Yeow! [His eyes glow bright red by way of a cheesy-film-scratching effect. He grabs his toe and begins to hop about.] CROW: See? TOM: Wow! That was cool! I have to *learn* that trick! MIKE: [still hopping] Ow! Ow! Ow! CROW: Unfortunately for you, Servo, you don't have any eyes. TOM: Darn! [Mads light begins flashing as Mike still hops madly about.] CROW: Criminy. What do *they* want? [pushes the button with his beak.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is present; Shao Kahn and Pearl are not.] FORRESTER: Hello, robo-geeks. Heard you were having a few little "posession" problems? [SoL. Mike settles down gradually and stands next to the Bots as they talk.] CROW: Yeah. I unfortunately inflicted all of them with the Red Eye. TOM: It's not so bad. MIKE: Say...uh...where's that horned guy? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Oh, Kahnny's having a little trouble with communications... [Sudden cut to a blackened-in area of Deep 13. Shao Kahn is on the phone.] SHAO KAHN: Hello...yes...is this Yumana Telephone Central? I would like to speak to one Sashi Lalita Marana d'Arjuna Flores-Picard Kintobor. NASAL OPERATOR: What city please? SHAO KAHN: Um...I'm not sure. Do you have any listings for "Next-to- Last Master of the Trijils"? NASAL OPERATOR: Just a moment please. SHAO KAHN: No...don't put me on hold...don't... [Click. A Muzak version of "Girl from Ipanema."] SHAO KAHN: Grrrrrr... AAAAAAAAAA!!! [Assorted screams of rage.] [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: We have a feeling that Mr. Kahn will be stuck in Operator Hell for quite a long time now. [SoL.] MIKE: That's good news. I guess that we were afraid he was trying to take our souls... [Looks at the Bots.] So, you guys really *do* have souls? TOM: Yup! CROW: Sure do! MIKE: I didn't know that! Does that mean that when you die, you get to go to Heaven? CROW: We go to Silicon Heaven, Mike. TOM: Yeah! MIKE: But...but there is no Silicon Heaven! CROW: Of *course* there is! I mean... BOTS: [in unison] Where would all the calculators go? [All three enjoy some fakey jovial laughter.] MIKE: Ha, ha! Guess I knew *that* was coming! [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Could you three be *serious* for once? Look, the reason I gave you this break now is... well... Um, remember "Manos," where I thought that--just once!--it would be a nice gesture to apologize for the quality of the movie? [SoL.] MIKE: Umm...no... BOTS: We do. [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: [snaps to] Well don't expect any apologies this time, booby! But know *this*: TurtleNinja, unaware of the fact that the majority of her audience has died of *boredom* by this point, is about to introduce a whole new plot thread. [SoL.] [All groan.] CROW: Dr. Forrester, have you no sense of decency? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: [grudgingly] Well...I thought that maybe this once...I would just...give you a little break before the long haul. That's all. Use the bathroom, get a bite to eat... and then... Get right back in that theater! And that's an order! [SoL.] MIKE: [salutes] Yes, sir! CROW: Right away, sir! TOM: Taking a break, sir! [Commercial sign begins to flash.] [Commercials.] [And, hey, I really mean it. Take a break. Get something to eat; whatever. Use this time; it's yours. By this point, your sanity is probably severely damaged, so go ahead and keep in mind that TN, for some ungodly reason, put a new thread in this story, and it's my last painful, painful chunk, and just so you don't lose it like I am, you better take a break. Go lie down and take a nap. TN'll still be here when you get up, sadly enough.] [No really. Take another break. You haven't spent nearly enough time away from the computer yet. Believe me.] [Back from commercials below. I hope you enjoyed your break.] [Mike and the 'Bots enter.] TOM: *That* was a good break. MIKE: Very satisfying break. CROW: Yeah...shame we have to come back. > >Chapter 7 >A Turtle Twin > CROW: What, another long-lost sister? TOM: And the long cycle of Ninja Turtle incest begins anew. >A few days after our last encounter with Sashi and Leonardo, we learned where >they had gone. TOM: What is this--a recap? MIKE: Well, that's nice and all, considering we had that break. CROW: Really nice break. > That afternoon, after another encounter with the true Leonardo- >the one that was trapped in the void- Zenobia said that they had gone back home to >Yumana. MIKE: Oh, no, guys, this is *new* stuff happening. CROW: Aw...still? MIKE: Remember? "New plot thread"? TOM: Good gravy, we are in *so* much trouble. > We knew that if we didn't defeat the Red Eye soon, the battle would >automatically be won by Sashi and all would be lost. We needed more help, but >where could we get it? Turtana had an idea. > "I know of someone who lives on Yumana who may be able to help. If we hurry, >we can get to her in time before Sashi arrives." CROW: Get to *her*? Another random girl? [Groan.] TOM: Someone mentioned a girl, and Crow groaned. I think the world is coming to an end! > "Good. Let's go." TurtleNinja said. > >* * * > >Later, as we landed on Yumana, TOM: --we realized we were out of plutonium. So, we set out again for Pluto... MIKE: ...and various high-jinks and goings-on ensued! > I realized that we were far from Pernia. We >were high up in the mountains. > "Why are we here? Nobody lives way up in here." TN said. CROW: Except for that Grizzly Adams fellow. > "Wrong. Somebody does live up here." Turtana said. > "Who?" CROW: [Swedish accent] The Yeti! > "An old friend of mine who fled Pernia shortly after you were born." MIKE: [falsetto] Your face scared her away. >We climbed a few feet further before Turtana, Marana, and Zenobia led us into a >cave. It was cool at first, but suddenly grew warmer. As we moved deeper into >the cave and my eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, I noticed a faint glow >up ahead. We edged on and stepped into a large room that was buried deep >within the cave. In the center was a small fire and sitting near the fire >was another young-looking Yumanan turtle. And this one was yet another female. TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] *Yet another* female! Imagine that! CROW: [sarcasm] A female turtle in this fan-fic? No! MIKE: Seriously, guys... Time for a call...which of the male turtles hasn't arbitrarily been matched up with one of these random lady aliens yet? BOTS: [together] Raphael! >She looked up and directly at Raphael before turning to Turtana. [Bots cheer.] CROW: We are *good!* > Instead >of the typical Yumanan, she spoke in English. TOM: --because Raphael doesn't *speak* Yumanan. MIKE: And because the author didn't bother to actually invent the language. > "Turtana! Boy, am I glad to see you!" she said. >She then turned to Raphael and said; "Stick around. I want to talk to you later." [All sigh.] >Raph turned to me and asked; > "What was that all about?" > "I think she likes you. TOM: [falls back slightly as if struck] Oy! CROW: The predictability in this fan-fic is *painful.* > Just do like she says and stick around." >He shrugged and went off towards the fire and the others to warm up. Off to >my left sat Turtana and her friend, Gemini. MIKE: Oh! I get it! A turtle "twin"! Get it? Gemini? The twin? CROW: Good, Mike. Very good. TOM: At least Raphael doesn't have to bother with the *usual* pick-up line. > "My friend, we've come for your help. The Red Eye has grown and gotten >stronger since I first left Yumana to follow my aunt, Mataji. TOM: [Minnewegian] And I remember the Red Eye when it was just *this high,* don'tchaknow? > Will you help >us?" Turtana asked. > "I don't know. It appears that you have enough to battle thirty tirjils >and their leaders." Gemini replied. > "We don't. Physically, yes, but psychically, no." MIKE: What? CROW: Physically, yes. Body. Psychically, no. Mind. MIKE: What--you mean that *works*? TOM: Yup. MIKE: Ow, my head. > "I see your point. MIKE: I sure don't. > I will help you." > > * * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi and Leonardo were preparing for their departure to Pluto >from Mt. Meyana. TOM: Pluto? *Why* Pluto? What is the *obsession* with going to Pluto? THERE IS NO LIFE ON PLUTO! Heck, it's not even a real planet, just part of a two body system with Charon. WHAT IS THE DEAL?! > They made a short stop there to refuel and rest. MIKE: Yes, at the charming "Mt. Meyana" Country Inn. CROW: Oh! I hear they have good skiing there! > "Come on, Leo. We must leave." Sashi said. > "No. We can't. Not with the tirjils. The ship's too small." Leo said. > "Yes, we can. We can because we must. I will release the tirjils." MIKE: [Jerry Sienfeld] Release the houuuuunds! > "Don't. Remember what happened the last time? Besides, I don't want to >go to Pluto anyways. Take me back to Yumana." > "All right. Yumana's on the way to Pluto anyways." > CROW: Oh--don't they put that right on the travel broshures? TOM: "Scenic Yumana... A nice central location between Pluto and... where ever the hell." > That way, I can switch ships and bring back Leo's surprise from Pluto, >Sashi thought. MIKE: Forshadowing! TOM: [falsetto] Leonardo's Plutonian Lawn Gnomes! Oh, won't he be pleased? > >They packed up their ship with the help of the tirjils. Sashi released the >tirjils and they left. Once they were entering Yumana's upper atmosphere, >Sashi used the power of the Eye to cause Leo to slip into unconsciousness TOM: Sleep! *Sleep!!* so he would not know that she was not landing in Pernia. Instead, she landed by a >distant cave. MIKE: Is this the same cave the other turtles are in? CROW: Hoo, boy, *that* would be awkward. > She dragged his limp body from the ship deep with in the cave >and left him there, knowing that she had only a few hours to return before >he awoke. > > When I return, Leonardo and TurtleNinja will be no more, Sashi thought >exitedly. > >She then ran to another ship that she had hidden nearby. It was large >enough to house a hungry, slobbering, slimy Plutonian slug mutant. ALL: Huzzah! TOM: I was wondering when those charming slug-folk were going to get involved. > All she >had to do was let it loose in the plaza of Pernia under her "Eyed" control >and have it eat Leonardo. CROW: Mmm. MIKE: ["Slug-mutant"] Tonight I dine on Turtle-paste. > Then getting rid of TN was an easier task >with Leo out of the way. She then left Yumana, unaware that the real Leonardo >was aware of her plans and had contacted Marana that very moment while she >lay sleeping. TOM: Leonardo has an evil *twin*? CROW: No, Tom, it's all spiritual. Leonardo is reaching out in his *heart.* TOM: I tried to do that once. It gave me gas. > >Chapter 8 >Brotherly Love, Turtle Style ALL: Gah! CROW: Please Oh Please don't let that mean what it at first seems like it ought to mean. > > "Michaelangelo, come on! If we are to ever get Leo back from the Eye with >my amulet, we gotta fight it with all our love for Leonardo." TN said. TOM: Is this the Beryl fight in Sailor Moon now? MIKE: It has been for a while. > "I don't see why. I mean, you're the Yumanan turtle, not me." I replied. > "I can't do it alone. Besides, he's your brother." > "I get it. Brotherly love, turtle style." CROW: Hey, wow, it's the title! Cool! >We packed up and headed out to the shuttle bay. We boarded our shuttle and >prepared for launch. As we sat there, waiting for the launch sequence to begin, >TurtleNinja looked over at me and said; MIKE: Mulder? Are you sure that the psycho killer is driving an ice cream truck? TOM: What? MIKE: Sorry. Wrong fic. > "I really hate this part. When they shoot you out into space, your brains >feel like they're going to be thrown out of your skull and onto the windshield." CROW: Yay! TOM: We should certainly *try* that with her brains, don't you think? CROW: In the name of science. >I glanced over at her. Her three-fingered hands were gripping the control >bars tightly and her face was a taut expression of nervousness. TOM: What? Two chapters ago she was *piloting* the thing, now it's her first ever take-off? MIKE: Oh, getting shot into space isn't *that* bad...just a few minutes of pain and it's all over. [pause] Except for the bad movies and fan-fics; those haunt you for a lifetime. > I reached >down and pulled a pack of gum from my belt. I tossed the pack in her lap. > "Here. Chew on one of these. They'll help you calm down so you're not >so tense." TOM: This sentence has been brought to you by: Generic Gum. Gum. Chew on it! > "Yeah, right. Thanks." > "Hey, no prob. I hate air travel, too." >I looked at her and she raised a reptilian eyebrow at me. CROW: "Reptilian *eyebrow*"?? MIKE: Cambot? [A little sign flashes on the screen. It reads: "OCCURANCES OF THE WORD "REPTILIAN": 12." and flashes away.] MIKE: Thank you! > I just grinned as >she picked the pack up from her lap and took a stick before tossing the pack >back to me. I, too, took a stick before putting the pack back in my belt. We sat >there in silence, listening to the final checkup being run by the crew. TOM: Which they just never *bothered* to run before, I guess. >As the end of the launch sequence neared, TN asked; > "What do you do to calm yourself during a launch?" > "I think of you." I said softly. CROW: Oh...yuck. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I think of you, and then it makes me barf. So no matter how many dry heaves I have *during* the launch, my stomach is already empty. Good idea, huh? >We sat back in our seats, chewing our gum. Then, we heard the thrusters of >the shuttle start. I calmly blew a bubble and twirled a strand around my finger. >TurtleNinja gulped nervously and started to chew hard on her gum. CROW: Because it's her first ever take-off. > As the shuttle >slid back for launch, I pulled the wad of gum from my mouth and stuck it on the >control panel. MIKE: [old lady] Clean that up! You teenage heathens! > A split-second later, we were thrust out into space. My body >snapped back against the padded seat and then forward into the seat belt. The >force was almost unbearable, but it soon let up and we were floating in space. MIKE: Yep. Exactly like *my* experience. Except for the lack of screaming, of course. >TN sat there in her seat, gripping the control bars tightly and she had a wild >look in her eyes. CROW: Whoa. > I looked over at her and asked; > "You okay, dudette?" > "I swallowed my gum." she replied and grinned. TOM: Ew! MIKE: You know, that takes seven years to digest! CROW: Hmmm...how long would it take to digest a shoe? >We landed outside of Sashi's compound almost silently. We were unaware of the >tirjils that Sashi had put on guard. When we reached the compound walls, TN and >I pulled some climbing spikes from our belts and slipped them on our feet. TOM: So...what happened to the rest of the ever-growing *horde* of heroes hanging out in this fan-fic? Are they all somewhere doing something important, or do they just hang out in the ship's hold drinking lattes? MIKE: Lattes. Master Spinter's no dummy. CROW: Plus, they finally gave him his donut! TOM: Oh! Yay! >Then, reaching again into our belts, we pulled grappling hooks out and flung >them up on the wall. Silently, we began to ascend the wall. The tirjils that >had been following us stopped below us and drew their Katanas. We were >three-quarters of the way up the thirty-foot wall CROW: Is this a math test? [Mike seems to be thinking about it.] > when they threw their >Katanas, breaking our ropes. MIKE: [suddenly] Twenty-two-and-a-half feet! CROW: Very good! TOM: Near bot-like efficiency, Mike. MIKE: I try. > When our ropes suddenly broke and we plummeted >downward, we whipped off the climbing spikes and threw them aside. I was >considering the possiblity of ducking into my shell when we hit the ground. TOM: They had time to throw aside their shoes, but *not* time to get into their shells? CROW: Right. MIKE: While falling twenty-two-and-a-half feet. CROW: Cut it out, Mike, we're not *that* impressed. >A bolt of red pain shot through my body and I blacked out. MIKE: "Red" pain, because of the "Red" Eye, right? CROW: Well, I've heard that green pain is a lot rarer. > >* * * > >When I came around, I found that TurtleNinja and I were chained to a titanium >wall. I looked around and found nothing familiar about the place. Beside me, >TN stirred. TOM: The gripping "Waking from being knocked out" scene! ALL: Again. > My head throbbed with pain and, as I looked up, I found that there >were a couple of tirjils nearby, keeping guard. Suddenly, the steel door flew >open and Leonardo walked in. CROW: Brett Hardtoosh! MIKE: Jim Steelthigh! TOM: Flip Mannix! > He walked over to us and unlocked our chains. For >a second, I thought that he had been released from the Eye, but as he looked >at me, his eyes glowed bright red. I could feel their hatred burning into me, TOM: When hatred flares up... try Hate-o-rid. >angry because I was immune. Quickly, I looked away. When he had finished unlocking >us, he backed away, allowing us to stand. TurtleNinja, understanding all that >was happening, promptly stood up and faced Leonardo. Even though he glared at >her with all the power of the Eye, she ran forward and gave him a warm embrace. CROW: How cute! MIKE: [falsetto] Quick, Michaelangelo, take our picture! >His eyes closed peacefully, but he was far from being peaceful. Through his >reptilian eyelids, [The number "13" flashes onto the screen.] > I could see the Eye glowing. It was then that I realized >what she was trying to do. She was trying to break Sashi's hold on him with her >own true love. I could tell that it didn't work, MIKE: --because TurtleNinja loves me better. TOM: And the Shredder. > because Leo's eyes glowed >bright red when she released him. With a powerful swat of his hand, he sent her >to the floor. > "Never come near me again!" [The 'Bots cheer.] MIKE: Aw, come on, Leonardo; if you can't touch her with love, don't touch her at all! >But before he could do anything further to her and before I could move to help >her, the steel door opened and Sashi stepped in. Immediately Leonardo drew >back, standing at attention. CROW: [drill sergeant] All right sol*dier!* Atten*tion!* Now, forrrr*ward!!* > I quickly ran over to TurtleNinja and pulled her >into my arms. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my eyemask. I followed the tug to my >feat and up to face Sashi. MIKE: To my "feat"? That's an interesting euphamism... > She glared at me, her eyes glowing bright red. I >returned her icyhot glare. TOM: [announcer] Icyhot. Remedy for muscle pain. > Then, suddenly, the red glow in her eyes stopped and >her expression softened. She leaned towards me and briefly pressed her lips to >mine, her hands pressing against my chestplate. ['Bots groan.] CROW: Oh, come on, Sashi, you know you're too good for him!! > I flinched slightly and she >pulled away. A sly smile crossed her face as she said; > "Now, Michaelangelo, where were we?" TOM: [Michaelangelo] Umm... on Pluto? >Sashi moved her hands down from my chestplate to my ribs and gave me a strange >look. CROW: Wow! She looks just like Lurch when she does that! > "No. Not here." >She moved her hands from my ribs to my stomach. I didn't flinch, even though I >was afraid that she would move her hands even lower. MIKE: I know *I'm* frightened she may move her hands even lower. CROW: I want another break, Mike... > "Not here. Hmmm. Maybe..." TOM: Caution! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Warning, Dr. Smith! >She moved her hands to my sides, tickling them with her reptilian fingers. [Number on Screen: 14] >I was unaware of the claws that she wore on her fingertips. MIKE: Oh, look, guys, it's forshadowing! TOM: Criminy...she can't even get *suspense* right! > Suddenly, her eyes >glowed bright red as she said; > "Here!" >With that, she clawed me hard in the side. ALL: Yeow! MIKE: Ooo, that's *gotta* hurt! CROW: So, who else saw *that* one coming? > The metallic claws were very sharp. >I flinched and screamed as they drove deep into my sides. She yanked her hands >away quickly, but the pain I experienced was almost too great. MIKE: But then he thought of England, and continued to do his service for the crown. > I cried out again >and felt my sides. When I pulled my hands away, I found that they were covered >with blood. My blood. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, man, that is the *last* time I talk to a chick I think wants me... Ow... > > Damn, I thought. Wounded. Now what? > >We soon found out what was going to happen to us. As I managed to recover from >Sashi's clawing me in the sides, TOM: What, so now he has a *mutant healing factor?* > I was downed again by another brutal swat of >Sashi's hands. Hands that were still covered with the claws. CROW: It's...Wolverine versus...Wolverine...I guess. > But Sashi wasn't >the one that I saw when I looked up. It was Leonardo. He glared at me before >glancing at Sashi and TurtleNinja. The two sisters were grappling with each >other and I could see the effort as TN struggled to avoid the claws. >Already I could see many scratches on her body from the claws and Sashi's >brutality. MIKE: Her brutality is fighting, too? CROW: Hey, no tag-teaming! > Suddenly, I was hauled to my feet by my neck. I looked at Leo and >said; > "You never loved TN as much as I do now." TOM: Ooooo... Scorcher. >For a brief second, the old Leo was back and I could see the hurt in his eyes. >He then drew his fist back and sent me to the floor with a powerful punch. CROW: --to my arm. > Before >Leo could come at me again, I kicked him away and looked over at TurtleNinja >and Sashi. TN was now struggling to get her amulet from around her neck and aim >it at Sashi. Seeing the amulet, Sashi swatted at it, knocking it aside. I dove >for it MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I got it! BOTS: [at random intervals] I got it! I got it! Me! Me! Mine! > and had just barely slipped it around my neck when I felt a powerful slam >on the back of my neck. Everything went peacefully dark. TOM: Facilitating yet *another* "Waking Up From Being Knocked Out" scene. CROW: [grumbles] > >Chapter 9 >Michaelangelo And TurtleNinja CROW: --are still in this story. TOM: [sarcastic] No! > > When I finally came around, I found that I was in the quarters that I shared >with TN back on the TurtleNinja. MIKE: Re-run! CROW: Didn't we already *read* this part? > I was lying on a small sofa not far from >the bed of pillows where she lay. My head throbbed and I found that a huge bandage >covered my abdomen and that my face had been bandaged. When I looked over at >TurtleNinja, I found that she was worse off than I was. TOM: She was a mummy! CROW: [singing] From 1525 BC... > Her right cheek was >covered with a huge bandage and I could see that her chestplate and shoulders >had also been covered with a huge bandage. She was definetly unconscious and >I didn't want to know what else Sashi had done to her. CROW: Oh, the *usual.* Beat her up, stole all her yogurt money, called her a sissy-pants... > Just when I was >considering getting up, the door swung open and Splinter and the others walked >in. I sighed softly and sank back on the pillows. Splinter took one look at >me and said; > "My son, rest now. You're hurt too badly to do anything more against the Eye." MIKE: [Splinter] We're going to go out there and steal some spotlight, darnit. > "But how did we get here? We were fighting Leo and Sashi and were too far >away for you to know that we were in trouble and needed help." I asked. TOM: And we had to call Power Pack, and you know how ineffective they are... > "It doesn't matter now. We'll find a way to defeat the Eye, but later. Now >we must take care of you and TurtleNinja. Sashi was using a claw weapon on >you. That's why you're so scratched up." CROW: Well, *duh!* TOM: Yeah, I'm sure he *remembers* that. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] You mean we *didn't* just have a wild night in the sack? > "But TN...she's bandaged more than I am. Why? Did Sashi use her claws when >she was unconscious?" >A deep look in his eyes told me that it was true...he couldn't lie to me about >TurtleNinja. > "Yes. ['Bots cheer.] CROW: That Sashi--what a *woman!* > She had knocked TN unconscious and was shredding her to bits when we >arrived. ['Bots cheer some more.] MIKE: I'm sensing some *real* Anti-TurtleNinja vibes in here. TOM: Well, *somebody* besides Sashi has to dislike her, Mike. CROW: Besides, we're possessed by the Red Eye, and you hate her, too. > And Leonardo, he just stood there, waiting for Sashi to finish." >I slowly lowered my head and began to cry. CROW: Pansy! TOM: Take it like a man! > I knew that if Sashi decided to >attack now, we would be defenseless. As the other went to check on Turtle, MIKE: The other *what?* >Gemini walked over to me and slipped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me >close as she said; TOM: [falsetto] Forget Raphael... I want *you,* baby... > "It's okay, Michaelangelo. TurtleNinja's strong, much stronger than any of >the rest of us Yumanan turtles. CROW: --Because she's the self-insertion character. > Her upbringing on Earth has made her stronger >because of the many hardships that she's faced there. She'll survive, you'll see." >Her soft Yumanan accent calmed me, MIKE: What *is* a Yumanan accent, anyway? CROW: Think Zha Zha Gabor, only with a lisp. MIKE: [shudders.] > for I knew that she was right. I sat there >in silence for awhile before the others left me with TN. I laid there, wondering >what was going to happen now with the Eye, now that TurtleNinja was injured. >Then, I got up from my soft, comforable spot on the bed of pillows and walked >over to the chair that was beside TN. I sat down and was glad to see that she >was still breathing. MIKE: Why would they bother to bandage her if she was dead? TOM: Well, it's always good to get the mummification process started *early* if you want a swift passage into the afterlife. > The tails of her black eyemask lay limply about her >shoulders and I brushed them back on the pillow off her shoulder. As if on >cue, her eyelids fluttered and she woke up. She blinked at me confused. CROW: For the fortieth time. You'd think she would be used to it by now. > "Michaelangelo, is that you?" she asked. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, sarcastic] No; it's your *mom.* > "Yes, it's me. How're you feeling?" I asked in return. > "Fine. My shoulder's giving me a bit of trouble, though. When Leo hit you on >the back of the head and you dropped like a ton of pepperoni, CROW: [falsetto] Tee hee... I made a Ninja Turtles line. > I thought that >he had...had..." > "Broken my neck?" > "Yes. When I looked up a second ago, I thought that you were Leo, wearing >an orange eyemask." TOM: A simple mistake, considering that they *all look the same.* > "It's okay. It's really me. If I was Leonardo, my eyes would be glowing >bright red." > "Yeah." >She giggled and looked at me with that childlike sense of wonder. MIKE: [falsetto] Ha ha--you're a silly willy turtlehead! > But I knew >that we would defeat the Red Eye soon. Leaning forward, I kissed her softly >on the cheek. ALL: Gyaaaahhh!! > Then a piercing cry filled the air. CROW: That was just us. TOM: Yeah, we'd knock it off if people would stop *kissing* her. > TurtleNinja jerked away and >screamed; MIKE: [falsetto] My muffins! > "Marana!" >I quickly whipped around and dashed out the door. I ran down corridors as fast >as I could to Marana and Arjuna's room. CROW: Oh, so the *married* couple shares a room... TOM: It's the Starship of Loooooove. > I heard Marana's continuing scream >inside. I burst through the doors and found Marana sitting up in bed. Arjuna >was nowhere to be found. TOM: Oh, that *jerk!* He's probably out with some hussy... > Taking long strides, I reached the bedside in a few >seconds. Steadying Marana with my strong hands, I looked her directly in the >eyes and said; MIKE: [Michaelangelo] What have you done with my 8-track collection? > "What happened? What's going on?" >She looked at me with large, black eyes and said; > "I had a dream. A dream made by the true Leonardo." TOM: Dammit, TurtleNinja, if you don't learn how to denote speech in the same paragraph pretty soon, I'm going to have to... MIKE: Easy, Tom... It makes for a good set-up. TOM: Yeah, but it's...not nice. >Her cryptic words caused a concerned look to cross my face as the others ran >in. CROW: *All* of the others? TOM: Yeah, all four-hundred people? MIKE: TN hasn't listed them in a while; I can't remember who's good anymore. TOM: Everyone that's not bad is good. MIKE: So, basically...everyone? TOM: Right. > Was she right? Did the true Leonardo run loose in that void? I had a feeling >that we were about to find out. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi returned to Yumana and kept the ship with the slug mutant >hidden nearby Pernia. Then, she returned to the cave for Leonardo, who was still >n a semi-conscious sleep in the tunnel. MIKE: At the same time, the Cult of Orion was continuing its dastardly plans in Omega City. TOM: Unbeknownst to them, Suicide Squid was nearby, reading a copy of "Finnegan's Wake" in preparation for the alien meme's upcoming attack. CROW: All of this while Lucy Lawless and Judge Kenneth Starr stalked a killer alien accountant in the streets of Brisbane. > Sashi arrived just in time. Leonardo >was just coming around when Sashi entered. He groaned softly and blinked his >eyes only to find Sashi standing over him. MIKE: Wasn't he supposed to be eaten already? How does this fit into her evil scheme? CROW: Maybe it's just fun. > "Leonardo, are you okay? I was just about to land when you suddenly passed out. >I brought you here, just in case." Sashi said. > "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just a little stunned, okay? I had the strangest of >dreams while I was out. TOM: [Leonardo] The Blood Sea of Istar was in the Middle of Ninja Gaiden. And there was...something about socks... > But don't worry. It was merely a dream." Leo said. >Sashi helped him to his feet and they headed for Pernia. They had evil work to do. CROW: So he's...*not* getting eaten. TOM: Boo! We want Slug Mutant! > >To Be Continued... MIKE: With even *more* ground-breaking action...! > >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles CROW: The Neverending Eternal War of Battles to End All Battles. TOM: [Saddam] This shall be the mother of all wars... > > >By: TurtleNinja > >Chapter 1 >Marana's Dream MIKE: She had a dream that afternoon that someday her two children might be judged not by the color of their eyes, but by the content of their character. > > "What is it? What is the dream about, Marana?" I asked. >By now, CROW: Yes! TOM: Here it comes!! > Master Splinter, Turtana, Raphael, Gemini, CROW: Cancer, TOM: Taurus, CROW: Virgo... [snicker] TOM: [mutter] Hardly... > Donatello, Zenobia, TOM: Madonna! CROW: The Beastie Boys! TOM: Mark McGwire! CROW: Garth Brooks! TOM: Courtney Cox! CROW: The cast of Saved By the Bell, the New Class! TOM: Gwen Stephani of No Doubt! > Arjuna >and Shredder had come running from their quarters and the control room to see >what Marana was screaming about. MIKE: You guys are deriving far too much amusement from that. CROW: Aw, it's fun and you know it. > TurtleNinja, unable to leave her bed, yelled >out to us; > "What's going on out there? Am I missing something important?" TOM: [falsetto] Could somebody get me a class of water? I want a Teddy Bear! I want some ice cream! I just sneezed all over myself; will somebody clean me up? > "Donnie, Raph, let's go and get her and bring her in here to hear this." >The three of us left and quickly returned with TN on a stretcher, still bandaged. > "Okay, Marana. Begin." I said. MIKE: Annnnnddd... Action! > "The air about me was cold and misty. As I was floating through the mists, >I could sense someone else's presense. Whose, I don't know. I wasn't even >myself. I was someone else. TOM: [falsetto] I was...God. > I was following the psychic presense through a dark >cave. Suddenly, I heard a voice. > "Can you swim?" >I didn't recognize the voice at first, but I answered it with a voice not my own. > "Are you a turtle?" CROW: [sarcastic "presence"] *No,* I'm an aardvark. > "Okay. Follow me." >The presense disappeared into a deep lake ahead of us and I followed. I >felt more at ease in the water than on dry land and I soon caught up with the >psychic presense, but still could not see who it was. MIKE: Wait...no, it's just Uri Gellar. Keep looking. > Then, suddenly, we >surfaced and I saw who the presense was. Sashi. At this point, I knew who I was. >Leonardo. CROW: Yow. MIKE: Been getting into a little gender-bending lately, Marana? > We had come up in another part of the cave that was near Pernia. Just >on the outskirts of town, I felt yet another presense. It was my true self, >reaching through the void to me. But I didn't know this at first. > "No! Don't go any further! Sashi has a Plutonian slug mutant under her >control so she can kill you!" TOM: [whiny Leonardo] Ahh! Who's talking? Who are you? Who am I? I wanna go hoooommmme... > "Uh, uh. No way. MIKE: [surfer-dude] Like, way. > I don't believe you. Sashi loves me! Why would she >wish to kill me now? And who are you?" > "I am you, Leonardo. I am your true self, running loose in this dark void, >trying to reach out to you. CROW: [John Lovitz] Eh...would you believe...the pope? Yeah, that's the ticket... > Sashi wants to kill you because her sister, >TurtleNinja, has tried to bring you back to reality. She figures that if she >can't have you, TOM: --then she don't want nobody, baby! > then neither will TN." >I did not reply. My true self was gone. He had disappeared back into the >void. I didn't want to continue, but since I was under Sashi's control, I >went forward. I walked on to the center of the plaza. When I looked up, I >saw that my true self was right. MIKE: I really *was* a self-rightous, stupid, geeky, whiny dickweed! > In the far end of the plaza was a Plutonian >slug mutant. I stopped, but Sashi increased her psychic powers and I continued >to walk towards the slug. It bent down towards me and grinned. It was the >most frightening grin I had ever seen. CROW: Slugs grin? MIKE: It's the Chesire Slug. > I wanted to run away, but the power >of the Eye held me in place. The slug bent down, opened its mouth and swallowed >me whole." Everyone stayed frozen in their place with horror. Did Marana's >dream have some sort of meaning? TOM: No! Could it be that... [starts to yell] *Leonardo's going to get eaten by a giant slug mutant??* > I thought about it as I walked back to my >quarters to tell TurtleNinja about what I thought. She had Donnie and Raph >move her back when Marana had finished telling us her dream. She was staring >at that picture of her and Leonardo when we were at Greece. CROW: Doesn't she ever get tired of that? > "Hey, TN, I think I've found out a little bit more about the Eye." I said. > "Yeah. Marana's dream explains much. MIKE: Like, for example, the fact that Leonardo's going to be eaten by a giant slug mutant. > I just know that the true Leonardo is >in that void she described and has managed to contact her and tell her of >what is going to happen." she said. She put the picture aside on the bedstand >and sat there next to me. TOM: A minute ago, she couldn't even get up. Now she's "sitting there." CROW: [British] She got bettah! > Then, she turned towards me, looking at me with that >childlike sense of wonder. It was amazing how she could look at me like that >and not realize what it was doing to me. Suddenly, she began to cry. MIKE: She must be thinking of "Sleepless in Seattle." > "Mikey." she whispered, sobbing softly. TOM: [Michaelangelo] That's my name; don't wear it out, babe. > "Hey, I'm here for you, TurtleNinja." I said quietly, slipping my arms >around her. > "Sorry. I miss Leo. I miss his stubborn seriousness." MIKE: [falsetto] I miss the fact that he was a geeky dickweed... > "I know." >Her eyes shone with unshed tears for all that had happened. She missed Leo and >we both knew that we would possibly never get him back. Her cheeks sparkled with >tears for Leo. Her Leo. CROW: My Leo. Everybody's Leo. MIKE: [a revelation] Hey, you get it? There's a Gemini, and there's a Leo!! TOM: Mike, if my arms worked, I would hurt you. > We lay there on our cots until we fell asleep. We >both knew that when morning came, we would be on the biggest mission of our >lives. I gave that some thought as I fell asleep. > CROW: They spend more time *sleeping* in this story than awake!! >Chapter 2 >The Quest Of Master Splinter TOM: Quest for the Holy Donut. CROW: There's going to be singing, dancing, and a two-headed dragon in this chapter, won't there? > >After hearing Marana's dream, TurtleNinja and I decided that we all needed >to separate and find out more about the Eye. MIKE: It's an evil force that possesses people at random and can be stopped by an amulet powered by love! CROW: What more do they need to *know*? > TN and I figured that if we all >separated, we could find out more about the Eye on our own. Splinter and my >brothers, as well as Turtana and Shredder, decided that they, too, would try >to find out more about the Eye. TOM: The Red Eye is an evil force that possesses people at random and can be stopped by an amulet powered by love! MIKE: Thank you! > But since Mataji's book had been destroyed by >the Eye, we did not know if Splinter, Raphael, and Donatello could be recaptured. CROW: Damn! She stole the hint book from them! >Sure, they Eye had left their bodies, but that didn't mean that they couldn't be >recaptured. TOM: Did we mention that they possibly could be recaptured? > The very day we were to leave, TurtleNinja came up to us and >wished us all luck. It was obvious that she wanted us to make it though this >journey. MIKE: --so we could continue feeding her. CROW: So, you mean, she's too injured to come? No TurtleNinja? BOTS: Yes!! TOM: Things are lookin' up! > We each had a map of the planet and enough supplies to last us the >time in Yumana's wilderness. TN had gone back to Earth briefly to get her German >Shepherd, Firestorm. He would aid Master Splinter on his journey. Both she and >Splinter could communicate with Firestorm psychically, but on a limited scale. TOM: Witted bastards! Ought to be hanged over water and burned!! CROW: Okay, Tom, you can *have* the "Obscure Reference" award. TOM: Thanks! >In roughly two weeks, we would return and meet back at the TurtleNinja. We were >unaware that Sashi's power had gotten stronger and that her tirjil army had >also grown. It had increased to ten times the size of when we last fought >them. With one last lingering kiss from TurtleNinja, CROW: --who misses Leonardo *sooooo* much-- > I was on my way. But even >though I thought that I'd be the one to run into trouble, I wasn't the one. >It was Master Splinter and Firestorm. MIKE: You mean somebody *else* is important in this story? TOM: Wait a minute...now the narration is going to be in third person? > After the first day of travelling had >passed and night had fallen, Splinter and Firestorm had found a place to camp. >When they had eaten and gone to sleep, they were unaware of someone watching them >from the entrance of the cave. CROW: ["someone"] Hi! Ya busy? You a mutant? Got any coffee in here? > Then, at about one in the morning, Firestorm's >loud barking jolted Splinter from his sleep. He had a tirjil cornered by the >cave wall. Even in the shadows, Splinter could tell that the tirjil now >clinging to the rocks was a woman. MIKE: Because it would be a real strain on TurtleNinja's imagination to add a *male* character. > A closer look in the moonlight told him >that she was not a tirjil. Despited the bodysuit and Katana of a tirjil, >Master Splinter knew. On her back was an awkward pack made from the skin of >some sort of animal. TOM: Despite her bodysuit, Splinter knew that her pack was an animal? MIKE: Yeah, it's one of those packs shaped like a teddy bear; she keeps her Beanie Babies in it. TOM: Oh. > Firestorm was leaping high, as Turtle had trained him, >trying to lock his jaws onto the figure's Katana scabbard. Even though Splinter >was now awake, Firestorm continued to growl loudly. Realizing that the figure >was about to fall from her perch on the rocks, Splinter called off Firestorm. > "Firestorm!" CROW: Ew--I just *can't* picture Master Splinter saying that! It sounds like a super move in a bad fighting game! TOM: Or a whiney DC superhero from the 1980s. >Whining loudly, Firestorm backed away as the figure climbed down from the rocks. >Holding Firestorm by his collar, Splinter called out; > "He can't hurt you now!" TOM: [Splinter] But I can!! Get ready to rumbllleeee... >He signaled to where he was holding Firestorm and the figure slowly approached >him. Firestorm whined loudly, eager to take a bite out of the figure. MIKE: [Firestorm] Grruff! I wanna take a bite outta crime! A bite outta crime! >Understanding Splinter's confused expression, the figure reached up to her >collar and removed her mask. CROW: Oo! Oo! Bet she's a mutant rat! TOM: Two RAM chips! CROW: You're on! > A long, shiny mane of black hair tumbled out and >fell about a lovely human face. CROW: [devistated] Oh! Oh no! TOM: Ha ha! I win! Two RAM chips for me! > Splinter's eyes widened with surprise as he saw >her. He was expecting a turtle, not a human. CROW: And *we* were expecting a cheesy love-interest, ya freak! MIKE: Don't worry, Crow. Master Splinter at least *used* to be human in the cartoon version of the story, so it still technically works out. CROW: [grumbles incoherently] > Her mane of blue-black hair flowed >all the way down to her waist, shimmering in the firelight. Firestorm gave >a confused whine and promptly sat on his haunches as Splinter asked; > "Who are you?" > "My name is Jade. ALL: Gah!! [Various cries of protest.] TOM: No more Mortal Kombat! CROW: TurtleNinja, have you no *shame?* MIKE: Hold on! It might be *Mara* Jade, and this is a Star Wars crossover. TOM: Oh. [Pause] ALL: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! > I am on a quest to the sacred mountain of Yumana. A >goddess came to me and told me that I would meet a stranger on my journey, >and, here you are. Who are you? MIKE: [Splinter] I'm... Batman. > Are you on a quest to the sacred mountain?" >she asked. > "My name is Splinter. I am on a quest, but not the same quest that you are >speaking of. TOM: [Splinter] I come from a planet where prepositions are okay to end sentences with. > I am searching for an answer to a very important question that >needs answering by my people." CROW: My people...ah... MIKE: We'll have your people call my people; we'll do lunch. > "Then come with me. I have a question that my people need answered, too. I >have been sent by my people as a messenger to ask it. The gods of the >mountain can help both of us." > "What is your question? And where are you from?" CROW: [Man from Scene 24] What is your favorite color? MIKE: Come on, Crow, that was old the *first* time. > "I am from Ajanta, but originally from Earth. I was brought here as a >baby and raised with the Yumanan turtles here. Our queen and king have been >trying for a child for a year now, but nothing has happened. TOM: Wh-- What has *that* got to do with anything? > What about you?" > "My people are being ruled by an evil force that we call the Red Eye. I am to >ask for information about a book written by a Pernian that was destroyed by >the Eye on Earth, my home planet." MIKE: She knows what Earth is, Splinter; she lived there. > "They will help you. All you have to do is pass their tests and they will >help you." By now, another hour had passed and they were both very tired. CROW: Wow. I didn't know that talking was so tiresome. >Leaning forward slightly, Jade planted a warm, lingering kiss on Splinter's >furry cheek. TOM: Bleh. CROW: Ya know, it's starting to be less annoying as it becomes less surprising. TOM: No, I think it's becoming *more* annoying. Mike? MIKE: I gotta go with Tom on this one. When was it surprising? CROW: It was surprising with the Shredder. TOM: True. And annoying. CROW: Yup. > >Chapter 3 >Earth And Air... TOM: Fire! CROW: Hweeend! MIKE: Wat-ah! TOM: Heart! ALL: Go Planet! > >The next morning, Master Splinter awoke to the sensation of Jade's human >hands shaking him and of Firestorm's tongue licking his furry face. CROW: Are you sure that's not *Jade's* tongue...? TOM: *Hope* not. MIKE: It's early yet. > His eyes >fluttered open and Firestorm promptly yapped loudly in his face. Reaching for >the red T-shirt that he had disposed of near his sleeping bag, CROW: Last time I checked, he wears a robe. > he heard Jade's >soft giggle. TOM: [falsetto] You wear a shirt! It's funny! > Slipping the shirt over his head, he said; > "All right, Firestorm. I'm awake." TOM: Okay, I'm getting an 'Oscar' vibe here... CROW: Yuck. *No.* >He looked over at Jade, who was still in her bodysuit, but her mask was >hanging on her belt and her animal-skin pack was lying on the ground beside >her. Her long hair was pinned back in a braid and her green eyes glittered in >the firelight. CROW: Her eyes are green 'cause her name is Jade. > She reached down in her pack and withdrew an animal-skin water >jug and set it on the ground. Then, reaching again into her pack, Jade >withdrew some dried fruit, meat, and cheese. Since he had a rodent's nature, >Splinter eyed the cheese with interest. TOM: As a part-time Ninja Turtles purist, I feel it crucial that I object. He eats *sushi,* people. Sushi. MIKE: And custard-filled donuts. TOM: Thank you. > After breakfast, Jade said that >they would have to pass the elements of life test, which was a series of four >tests. Fire, ice, air and land. MIKE: Uh...and water and earth. CROW: And Hweeend! > Jade told him that if they passed those four >tests, the gods would be obliged to grant their requests. But she also warned >that they would have to be on their own. They would have to leave Firestorm >behind with food and water. TOM: Then what was the point of bringing him along to *begin* with? MIKE: You get the feeling TurtleNinja is just making this all up as she goes along? TOM: Yah. > Firestorm understood that he would have to be >alone and he did not seem to mind. The first test was one of air, and the two >of them had no way of crossing the deep canyon. Just then, Jade happened to >look over to her left. There, in the shadows, was a hang-glider. BOTS: Gaaaahhh!! MIKE: What? BOTS: ATOR!! > After helping >her move it, Splinter had to think about how the two of them were going to get >across. The glider didn't seem big enough to hold the two of them. > "Jade, see if you can use your belt as a support above me. If so, I may have >just found our way across the canyon." Splinter said. CROW: Yeah, the glider. >Jade was the first on the glider. Her small body just barely managed to fit >into the space that her belt left. When they were both ready, Splinter gripped >the bar and leapt off the canyon's edge. MIKE: [perplexed] I don't *get* it. How are they gliding? TOM: Just ignore it, Mike. > But instead of going straight down, >the glider caught the wind and they floated across. CROW: That's usually the *point* of a glider, isn't it? > Unfortunately, Jade's belt >gave way and she began to slip downward. Knowing that they only had one chance, >Splinter swung his knees up, hooked them around the bar of the glider, grabbed >Jade's wrists, MIKE: --and executed a perfect triple lutz. [Scattered applause.] TOM: Very nice. > and prevented her from falling to her death. Sighing a soft sigh >of relief, Jade directed the glider over to the other side and they made a soft >landing. TOM: The scores are coming in...that's... a nine-point-nine-seven... a nine-point-nine-nine... a nine-point-nine-eight... Ohhh, and a seven-point-three from the Russian judge. > The glider promptly disappeared the moment it touched the ground and >Jade said; MIKE: [sarcastic falsetto] Nice dismount, rat-boy. > "Wow. The gods sure are mysterious." > "Yeah. One down, three to go." CROW: That was the whole test? MIKE: Yeah, they're quickies. TOM: What are you trying to *do,* Crow, drag it out even *longer?* >As they continued on, they noticed small noises in the underbrush around them. >Then, suddenly, Jade grabbed onto Splinter's shoulders and said; > "I think you should turn around. Don't ask why, just turn around. Slowly." >Carefully, they turned around. CROW: [falsetto] Ha! Gotcha! Monkeys always loo-oook! > Jade's shrill scream had just barely reached >Splinter's ears MIKE: She very calmly tells him to turn around, then she screams? TOM: She's a *girl,* Mike. > before she grabbed his hand and pulled him after her, the >giant creature just barely missing him with a large, clawed paw. Even though >she was out of breath, Jade managed to gasp out; > "A Pawpaw! Those things are vicious!" CROW: A Pawpaw...'cause it has paws! Get it? > "Well, what do we do?' > "It may be huge, MIKE: --but I'm huger! > but it can't climb rocks." > "Great! There aren't any...Uhh!" >Splinter was suddenly thrown back by something hard. TOM: [laugh] We now *paws* for station identification. > Looking up, he found that >he had run directly into a solid rock wall. Feeling something warm and wet >trickle down the side of his face, Splinter reached up and felt his forehead, >finding a cut just above his left eyebrow. CROW: [gasp!] On his *head?* MIKE: [laugh] That injury ought to give him *paws.* > It wasn't that deep, but it did >need a bandage. Jade helped him to his feet as a loud roar behind them >startled them both. CROW: [laugh] Hey, Mike, you think this scene is even *paws*ible? > They turned around as the Pawpaw advanced. Even if they did >start up the rocks now, the creature could easily reach them. Just when all >seemed lost, Jade reached down into her boot and withdrew a dagger. She raised >her arm and released it. MIKE: [laugh] Oh, absolutely *paws*itively, Crow! TOM: [laugh] > The Pawpaw yowled in pain as the dagger went deep >into its leg. It reached down, pulled the dagger from its leg and dropped it >on the ground before running away, whining. MIKE: [Pawpaw] I'm calling my lawyer...! BOTS: [singing] Im*paws*ible! For a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carrage... > Slowly, Splinter slumped to the >ground, letting the blood run down his forehead. Jade set her pack beside >her as she knelt beside Master Splinter. Reaching into her pack, Jade withdrew >a small square of linen cloth and tape. TOM: [still singing] Im*paws*ible! For a rat and a woman to be... CROW: We *paws* now for a brief interlude... > Splinter leaned back on the rocks >and allowed Jade to take care of the cut on his forehead. Once Jade had >completed her task, and everything was put back into her pack, they proceded >to climb up the rocks. CROW: It seems we are just *paw*ns in their little game... TOM: [still singing] Im*paws*ible... MIKE: Okay, cut it out now, you two. > >Chapter 4 >Fire And Ice TOM: And *everything* nice. > >As Splinter and Jade continued on their way, they noticed an increase in >temperature. It grew hotter until they came to a deep, narrow chasm. Jade >looked down into it, not hearing the underground rumble that was a warning to >Splinter. Even though he was tired and his fur was soaked with sweat, CROW: Rat-sweat? I'm sure that smells really *good.* > he was >aware of the fire rushing up from underground. Quickly, Splinter pulled >Jade back a split-second before the flames leapt upward from the chasm. MIKE: [slightly British] They're proceeded by a slight pocking sound. CROW: [falsetto] The R.O.U.S.es? But I don't think they exist... Ha, uh... present company excepted, of course... > They >didn't die down, either. Knowing that they would suffocate in a matter of >minutes, Splinter pulled Jade's white animal-skin cloak and water jug from her >pack. He spread the cloak on the ground, uncorked the water jug, and poured the >water over the cloak. Quickly, Splinter tied the cloak around his shoulders MIKE: [Splinter, laughingly] What do ya know? I *am* Batman! >and corked the water jug, replacing it in the pack. Then, handing the pack back >to Jade, Splinter picked her up and protected her the best he could with the cloak >and his furry body. Hoping that the heat wouldn't be too intense, Splinter >leapt across the chasm with a gasping Jade in his arms. TOM: Splinter's like four-foot-two. Shouldn't *she* be carrying *him?* > The water on the cloak >sizzled as they passed through the flames and fell to the ground on the other >side. The flames died off, but it was not a comfort for Splinter. He didn't even >feel their bodies fall to the ground, for he, and Jade, were both unconscious. > >* * * MIKE: After a while, Splinter woke up from being unconcious. "What? Where am I?" Splinter asked. But he was back in the hold of the TurtleNinja. TOM: Mike, you are Satan. CROW: Then, later, TurtleNinja woke up from being unconcious! > >After awhile, Jade became aware of her own consciousness and of Splinter's limp >body sprawled over her. ALL: Eeeeeewwww... > After wiggling free, she turned Splinter over onto his >back. She sighed softly, seeing that he was still breathing. CROW: Well, if he *died,* she could always just meditate him back. > Slowly, Splinter >became aware of his own consciousness. MIKE: Then, TurtleNinja became aware of her own consciousness! TOM: So would you say they're conscious of their own consciousness? CROW: Their consciences help them become conscious of their consciousness. > His eyes fluttered open and he was glad >to see that Jade was still alive and looking down at him. He blinked, not sure >of what had happened. When he sat up, he found that the cloak, as well as his >fur, had been singed. The flames were gone from the chasm, but they were not >yet at the end of their journey. CROW: The flames, that is. > They had passed three tests, but there was >still one left. MIKE: And it was the most grueling of all: Science Reasoning! > Jade pulled Splinter to his feet and they continued on their >way, taking Jade's very abused cloak with them. CROW: [sigh] TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, you can help to *prevent* cloak abuse: just call 1-800-STOP-RIP today. > Soon enough, they noticed a >severe drop in temperature and were both too tired to continue. But the cave >surrounding them was pure ice and very cold. Splinter sat down on the floor of >the cave and took a cloaked Jade in his arms so she could keep warm while she >slept. > "But won't you be cold?" she asked. > "No. Being furry, I can keep warm, despite the ice." Splinter told her. >Smiling, Jade curled up in Splinter's furry arms and went to sleep. MIKE: See, stuff like that would almost be cute, if the same kind of thing hadn't happened twelve or thirteen times already. CROW: And if the female characters had *any* development at *all.* TOM: Crow, why waste space with character development when you can waste it being saccarine? > >* * * > >The next morning, Jade awoke with the sense of a new day. At first, she >couldn't understand why she was so cold. Then it all came flooding back to her. TOM: [falsetto singing] There's a rat and a cloak, and it's *all* coming back to me now!! >The test of air, the Pawpaw, the rocks, the chasm of flame...and Splinter! >The Earth rat who had saved her life. But where was he? Jade moved slightly and >felt the furry arms around her tighten. MIKE: [falsetto] Uurrgg...uuh...Splinter, I can't breathe!! > Stretching her arms around his neck, >Jade briefly pressed her lips to his furry cheek before whispering in his ear; > "Time to get up, for our journey must continue." >Splinter yawned and blinked the sand out of his eyes. Jade reached into her pack >and withdrew a small chunk of cheese, which she handed to Splinter. TOM: Because he's a *rat.* CROW: In that case, shouldn't she be handing him garbage and rotted entrails and stuff? MIKE: Yes, but none are readily available. > Jade watched >him for a few seconds before continuing to eat her own meal. After eating >breakfast, Jade and Splinter went to a small pond nearby and washed the soot >from their faces. TOM: [Splinter] Hey, Jade, the water's pretty cold...careful you don't freeze your face into a giant mask of ice and suffocate to death! > After that, they continued on their way through the icy tunnel. >Jade jogged on ahead, trying to keep warm. When Splinter turned a corner, he ran >headlong into an ice wall. But as he was about to turn around, he heard something >drop to the ice behind him. MIKE: Wow...Candice Bergen was *right*; you *can* hear a pin drop! > He was trapped. Did that mean that the gods did >not want him to help Jade? He'd had enough. > "Let me out of here!" >Much to his surprise, the ice walls disappeared and he walked into a room where >Jade awaited his arrival. CROW: Ohhh! MIKE: [Splinter] You mean all this time, all I had to do was *ask?* > She stood in front of a portal of bright, white light. > "It's about time, Splinter. We were starting to think that another Pawpaw got >you." Jade said teasingly. TOM: "We?" Is she the Queen of England? > "Yeah, right. Not in a million years." CROW: [Splinter, cocky] You think a little thing like the end of the world is gonna stop me? MIKE: The characterization on Splinter is so vivid...you'd almost think he was Michaelangelo. >They both turned towards the light, which, to their surprise, spoke to them. > "You have done well. Jade, step forward." >Jade looked at Splinter before tentatively stepping forward towards the portal >of light. > "Jade, you have proven that you are worthy of our help. Your queen will have a >son within the next year. TOM: [Voice] You are to name him Abram, and sacrifice three goats unto me the night of his birth. > Splinter, step forward." >Jade stepped back as Splinter stepped in front of the light. > "Splinter, you are a stranger in our land, MIKE: So we'll have some random Heinlein characters join you on your quest! Lazarus Long, come on down! > but since you have aided Jade >without any heed to your own life, I will aid you in defeating the Red Eye. >The book you are searching for will be found with the Guardian's family." CROW: Ohhh...you mean they gotta go clear back *there* again? TOM: So, basically, this whole trip was a pointless waste of time? >Splinter slowly stepped back. The white light seemed to surround both him and >Jade. Too late he saw the light change to red as he felt himself slip into >unconsciousness. MIKE: Ha, ha! Tricked you! It's evil!! > >Chapter 5 >Through The Danger Zone ALL: [singing] Gonna take a highway to the Danger Zone... > >While Splinter was in the Room of Light with Jade, I was following a very >strange-looking tirjil around the Tirjil Headquarters. CROW: [Igor] Walk this way... > It wasn't long before >the tirjil entered Sashi and Leonardo's quarters and I found out what they were >up to. All of Leo's personal belongings were being put in a bag so they could >be burnt. MIKE: All right--a barbecue! CROW: They're having a "burnt blue eyemask" night. > When the tirjil had gone and Leo's things were set outside the door, I >leapt from my perch on the pipes and took the bag, replacing it with one filled >with junk. There was definetly something going on. TOM: Thank you for that info, Freida. > I returned to the >TurtleNinja to await the others' arrival. Our two weeks were almost up and it >was time to see what the others had found. TOM: [whisper] Our two weeks are up, and...let's see how they've done. > But what I didn't know was that >Raphael, Donatello, and Master Splinter had all been recaptured by the Eye. MIKE: Oh, bummer!! >They would all be recaptured, but only one would escape before TurtleNinja used >her amulet to destroy the Eye. CROW: Way to *go,* TurtleNinja--just ruin it for us! TOM: Michaelangelo can read the future now? MIKE: His mutant power is the ability to, as narrator, spontaneously develop new omnescent powers. > The first ones to return from the mission >Turtana, Shredder, CROW: 'Cause he's *such* a nice guy, > and TN. We waited a few hours for Raph, Donnie and Splinter >before someone came running up to us, dressed in the uniform of a tirjil. Our >weapons were drawn before we realized that Firestorm was with her. TOM: Go, and may Firestorm be with you. > That meant >that she had either killed or kidnapped Splinter. But when she removed her mask, >we realized that she was not a tirjil, just dressed in the uniform of one. MIKE: I don't understand how you know whether or not someone is a tirjil. CROW: Well, she's not a tirjil 'cause she's *cute,* Mike. > The >uniform, as we found out later, she had stolen from the Tirjil Headquarters. Her >name was Jade and she said that she had been on a journey with Master Splinter >and that he had been taken by a red light while they were on the sacred >mountaintop with the gods during their ceremony. TOM: We know, we know, yadda yadda yadda. > Her people had once known >Mataji and she knew the story of the Red Eye, but not all that Mataji had >written. MIKE: Which was, basically, that it was an evil force that posessed people at random and could only be stopped by this amulet powered by love. CROW: And that it doesn't do much, really. > TurtleNinja said that she would bring Firestorm back to Earth after >she had heard what I had found in the Tirjil Headquarters. > "TN, just bring Firestorm home. I can wait until you get back." I said. >I guess now that something in my eyes told her to go, MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Or else it ws the fact that I *told* her to *go...* > for she called >Firestorm and the two of them boarded a shuttle that was headed back to >Earth. TOM: It just happened to be sitting there at the time. > I just hoped that she would be ready to hear what I had to say >when she got back. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Master Splinter was having his share of troubles. CROW: He moved to Ireland? > When he first >came around, he saw white titanium walls for a brief second before he slipped >into unconsciousness once more. MIKE: Then, later, he awoke from unconiousness! CROW: Nothing happens *concious* in this story, just fleeting memories of unconcious things. > He knew what had happened. He knew what had >happened ever since the day that Leo returned to Turtle Cliff. And that meant >that he knew what Sashi was up to. TOM: ...Leonardo, basically. CROW: Basically. > >* * * > >When the dull throb in his head was gone and his head had cleared, Splinter >slowly opened his eyes and looked around at his surroundings. MIKE: Do you suppose TurtleNinja really *knows* what it's like to be knocked out? CROW: Oh, you never know...maybe she gets in a lot of gang fights. > Steel shackles >and iron chains bound him to the titanium wall. TOM: Hey, neat! Know any *more* metals? Maybe we can squeeze 'em in. > His muscles ached and he was >so tired that he could barely breathe, but he managed to look up when the steel >door banged open. In stepped Leonardo and he was in the company of two tirjils. >Sashi lingered just outside the door, waiting for Leonardo. Leo's eyes flashed >a fiery red as he gazed upon his captive. MIKE: Leo's good at "evil." It might be a good career option for him if the "leader of the Ninja Turtles" thing ever gets old. > Splinter could feel their hate, >waiting to destroy, to burn him alive. > "So, you have finally returned. But it is too late for you. I am Sashi's >now and you are a mere hors d'ourve for the Eye." TOM: Oh! I love Hors Do-overs! CROW: Hey, Tom, got anymore Hors Do-overs? > Leo snarled, turning to leave. >Just as he was about to step away, Leo swept around with a roundhouse kick >that struck Splinter on the shoulder. There was the sharp, distinct sound of >bone breaking and Splinter realized that Leo had managed to dislocate his >shoulder. MIKE: Which I, Michaelangelo, the narrator, knew he could tell. > Casting a final, evil glance at Splinter, Leonardo left the room. The >two tirjils that were with him remained and Splinter paid them no heed. >Then, the steel door banged open and Sashi sauntered in, an evil half-grin, >half-sneer on her reptilian lips. [Number on screen: 15] CROW: Ooo...that's a good look for her! TOM: Sashi makes me melt inside. > In her hands were a pair of nunchakus... >Master Splinter knew what was coming. Her eyes burned into Splinter's, their >heat and hatred far more intense than Leonardo's. > > I am already near death, Splinter thought. What more do they want to do >to me? MIKE: Beat you senseless, I believe. > >Sashi's eyes glowed bright red as she spoke to him. > "So, I have caught you at last, my defiant rat! Where is Turtana and my sister? >You will answer me...or perish!" Sashi snarled, reaching down to lift up >Splinter's chin. CROW: Ohhh...owch...that's a cliche. MIKE: Hy-yeah. TOM: So is this like that scene in the first Ninja Turtles movie where Splinter was...well, chained to a wall? CROW: Why, yes, fan-boy, it is! TOM: Grrr... > "I did the best I could, but they escaped us." Splinter said, gasping. >Eyes glowing bright red, Sashi snapped back. CROW: Look out; she's having a seisure! > "Fool! That's not good enough! I want those turtles! Including the one that >Leonardo calls Michaelangelo, the Earth turtle who's helping my sister. MIKE: No, actually, *Donatello* is the Earth Turtle...Michaelangelo's the Wind Turtle, and Leonardo's the Water Turtle... CROW: Shameless plug! For Ninja Turtles fan-fic that's actually *interesting*... MIKE: Nope...that's all...ain't gonna say it. CROW: Darn. > >I also want the human that seems to always be in their company. MIKE: Ya mean Shredder? TOM: No, I think she's talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt. > They will pay for >all the trouble I went through to get to where I am now." > "Why? Why do you want to hurt TurtleNinja and the others?" > "Why? I'll tell you why. CROW: She's *annoying!* TOM: Amen. > Turtana prevented me from becoming Master and >Turtle because she's the only one who can stop me. And as for Michaelangelo and >that human, I want them destroyed because they are helping my sister and >Turtana. MIKE: [falsetto] And they owe me money... > Now that you have gone and betrayed me, you are of no use to me any >longer. I will destroy you here and now!" >Sashi then snapped her fingers, signaling the two tirjils. TOM: [breathy falsetto] Boys? > They stepped forward >and all three of them took turns in beating a helpless Master Splinter. CROW: Gang bang! > Sashi >was the worst one, flailing the nunchakus about his head and neck. Suddenly, >just as Splinter was about to lose all consciousness, Sashi screamed and >Splinter's assailants fled from the room. MIKE: [falsetto] Ahhh! I just remembered I had a hair appointment! > Just before the all too familar >darkness closed over him, Splinter felt a pair of warm, furry, clawed paws undo >the shackles and lower him to the ground. > TOM: All right! Chewbacca to the rescue! >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye 5 MIKE: Well don't leave us in *suspense,* TurtleNinja, what next? >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: [cheery] Dark Princess of the Netherworld! >Chapter 6 >TN's Discovery > TOM: [falsetto] Oh...so *that's* how Ninja Turtles reproduce! MIKE: Ew. >Later that night, I told TurtleNinja of my discovery in the Tirjil Headquarters. > "TurtleNinja, I know what I saw. The tirjil packed all of Leo's things in a >large garbage bag and was going to burn them. If you want proof, look in my >closet. The bag is all there. CROW: [Michaelangelo] You wouldn't *believe* the stuff I found in there, dudette! I mean: leather-studded eye-masks, pizza-flavored lace panties... MIKE: Cool it, Crow. TOM: Yeah, Mike's been trying not to picture this subtext the whole time. MIKE: It's hard. TOM: Still, I think maybe I'll *join* you. > Just look." I said. > "I don't need proof, I've got my own. I saw a couple tirjils near Turtle >Farm when I was there. They didn't see me." she said. > "Well, what's going on?" CROW: Off the top of my head, I would say... Red Eye. > "I don't know exactly. All I know is that it has something to do with Leonardo >and Splinter. TOM: And the other turtles, but they're not actually important. > That's all I was able to find out." >We ate supper with what was left of our team and then went to bed. We had to get >our rest, for a new battle against the Eye would come with the dawning of a new day. CROW: Plus, we just hadn't been unconcious in a while...thought it would be a good place to start. > >* * * > >Early the next morning, TurtleNinja awoke with the first light and found that >I was still asleep. MIKE: Yet I was *still capable of narrating!* > She tried shaking my unmoving body, but soon found that it >was of no use. Then, she got an idea. One that would annoy anyone at six in the >morning. TOM: She continued to exist? > She had brought her tenor sax along for entertainment and knew exactly >what would annoy me most. CROW: She made you read her fan-fic? > She picked up her sheet music and started blasting out >'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' as loud as her sax reed could take it. MIKE: [singing] In the spaceship, the turtle spaceship, the ninja plays her horn... > Believe me, >it worked. Within seconds, I was awake, along with half the TurtleNinja's crew, MIKE: --who all were more than happy to join me in beating her senseless. BOTS: Huzzah! >who also heard her wake up call. Shredder was the first one in our quarters. TOM: He brought his blades. > "TurtleNinja, just because you and Michaelangelo have to get up, doesn't mean >that everyone else does." he said, with much annoyance in his voice. > "Yes, you do. ALL: [whiny and mocking] Yes you do... TOM: Can I kill 'er, Mike? Can I kill 'er? > I want everyone at their posts by seven thirty." she said. > "Yeah. Anything else you want down at the kitchens?" > "Uh, yeah. A couple of your surprise pancakes will do." MIKE: [falsetto] The ones with the cyanide in 'em! TOM: Surprise! >Shredder smirked and left the room to head down to the kitchens. After a quick >shower, TurtleNinja walked to the main control room and it wasn't long before >her voice blared out over the intercom. > "Good morning! This is the Captain speaking. CROW: [falsetto] Good morning! This is your irritating, nasal, whiny, moron, self-insertion Captain speaking! Rise and shine and [drops falsetto] Oh My God I wanna *die!* Mike, I wanna *die!* [starts crying] MIKE: [attempts to console him] It's okay...it's okay... TOM: Now you know how *I* felt. > I want everybody at their posts >by seven thirty." By the time I had gotten myself out of bed, exercised, >showered, and got down to the kitchens, I found that the place was crowded. TOM: What, with all the *good guys* and their nameless "crew"? [Crow recovers.] MIKE: All of these people against *two* villains; I mean, it hardly seems fair, when you think about it. >But it didn't matter. I quickly found that TurtleNinja had saved me a spot at our >usual table. I got my breakfast and sat down next to her. > "So, did you enjoy my wake up call this morning?" she asked. CROW: [Michaelangelo] "Sure," I replied, strangling her until she *died.* > "Just fine. I was perfectly annoyed. Hey....come on. That's the best I've >ever heard you play. Why don't you do that every morning at home?" I asked. TOM: [falsetto] Because I value my life? > "Because I don't think that Splinter and your brothers would appreciate it >as much as you do. I think that they would be more annoyed than..." MIKE: More annoyed than us? CROW: Not possible. >TurtleNinja was suddenly interrupted by the entire hull being shook by some >sort of beam. There was a loud thud next to me and I found that TurtleNinja >had been thrown from her seat. CROW: The Gods of True Music take their revenge! > Just then, the intercom blared on. > "TN, if you're anywhere on this ship, please come directly to the bridge! >We are in serious trouble!" It was Turtana, and we were in serious trouble. TOM: ...like she said. >By the time that we had arrived, Turtana was issuing orders to fire at >another ship. MIKE: [Turtana-Picard] Make it so. > "Wait! Hold your fire!" TN called. TOM: TurtleNinja Amber Flores Picard to the bridge! >All heads turned in the control room. Turtana's was the last to turn, >since she was paying attention to the screens. > "It's about time that you got here. Sashi's attacking us. We've got to >down their ship." Turtana said. CROW: [whiny falsetto] We can't make *any* decisions without *your* help... Whaaa!! > "No, we musn't. What if Leo and the others are aboard that ship. We'd >lose him. Then the Eye would surely have its revenge on our family." TN replied. > "Are you sure?" > "Yes. Check the ship for signs of the others." MIKE: [Turtana] Oh, it's a good thing you were here, TN; I usually just blast at *everything!* >The tirjil at the controls searched the ship for Leo and came up with a >surprising discovery. TOM: The blancmanges wish to win Wimbleton! > "TurtleNinja, there's no sign of Leonardo. In fact, there's no sign of >anybody on that ship." > "It's a decoy. CROW: [falsetto] Blow it to smithereens. > Go around it and continue on course." TurtleNinja said. TOM: Oooo...*baaad* move, TN. Darth Vader made that mistake, you know. MIKE: Yeah, what if that ship contains droids carrying the secret plans to the Death Turtle? CROW: Oh! A flying Technodrome! >But even Sashi's decoy would not allow us to continue. The minute the >TurtleNinja's engines started up, the decoy ship fired at us. The impact >was so strong that it threw TN backwards into me, tossing us both into the >wall. But even as we were hurtling through the air, TurtleNinja shouted out >a command to return fire. TOM: She's really got it together, that TN. > "Shields up and return fire!" MIKE: [falsetto] But, Captain, they're firing torpedos...of Ratliff Gas! >One blast would cause the ship to go down. The tirjil at the controls >locked the torpedos onto the decoy ship and fired. The ship exploded [All cheer!!] >and we were allowed to continue...for now. TOM: --the hell? CROW: I guess the *other* ship exploded. TOM: Well, she should have specified! She really had my hopes up for a second there! > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi returned to Splinter's cell, only to find that he was >gone. Leonardo entered the cell to find a ranting, raving Sashi screaming >about how they managed to find Splinter and take him away. MIKE: They came to take him away, ha ha? > "Who do you mean by they?" Leo asked. TOM: You know... *them.* > "Your brother and my sister, that's who. If they've managed to get to >Splinter, I'll never let those two near any prisoner for a long time. MIKE: [falsetto] Since they're...on the other *side* anyway... heh. > Your >rodent master is the only one who knows what we're up to and how to stop us. >You follow?" > "Yeah, I follow. I hate to say it, but we'll have to destroy Splinter >when we find him or we may be defeated permanently." > "Leo, you took the words right out of my mouth. You and I could make >quite a team together. CROW: You mean like they've been *doing* for the past twenty-five chapters? > Let's get searching. The sooner we destroy Splinter, >the sooner we can take over the universe." MIKE: [Leo, dumb] Duhhhhh...okay. > The two of them headed out to >search all of Yumana as best they could for Splinter. TOM: So, what, they're going to just *comb* a whole *planet*? CROW: They hired 1-800-BIG-HUGS. > But they had no idea >where Splinter was and that we were not the ones who had taken him after he >had been beaten. Then again, we had no idea, either. > MIKE: So we just wandered around aimlessly for forty-five more chapters... let's take a look. >Chapter 7 >The Battle Resumes CROW: It never *stopped,* did it? TOM: Well, they did take that break for the musical interlude. CROW: [shudders.] > >Once we had destroyed the decoy ship, we resumed our course back home to >Earth. Once we were back home on Turtle Farm, we would search for Raphael, >Donatello, and Master Splinter before looking for Leonardo and >TurtleNinja's sister, Sashi. TOM: Not to mention Desperately Seeking Susan and Searching for Bobby Fisher. CROW: We also tried Chasing Amy and Saving Private Ryan, but to no avail. > I had some sort of idea as to where Donnie and >Raph were, but I had no idea where Splinter was. MIKE: Well, Sashi and Leonardo seem to have a lead that he's somewhere on Yumana, so I would assume Earth would be a good place to start. TOM: Or Pluto. > Quietly, the TurtleNinja >hovered in space above Turtle Farm and we went down to Earth in a shuttle. >The farm was as we had left it and it was undisturbed. But the Room was >slightly different. MIKE: Hey! Did you kids have a party in here while we were gone? CROW: Nooo... TOM: [falsetto] Then what's this beer-scented stain on the rug? CROW: Uuhhh... Well, it's not beer... > The space in the wall that had been left when Sashi >took Mataji's ship was not there. It had been filled in. We thought that we >could spend one night in the Sleeping Quarters with out being detected >by Sashi, but we were dead wrong. CROW: She killed us as we slept; the end. > The moment night fell and we were all >asleep, Sashi sent a shuttle from her ship down to Turtle Farm that was >filled with a small attack force. MIKE: It's Wolf's Dragoons in a surprise cameo! > I was awakened by the sense of someone >moving in our room. When I sat up, I found that it was only TurtleNinja >and that there were small noises coming from downstairs. TOM: They've got rats! Big mutant rats! > Winter had come >again and we had been fighting the Eye for nearly a year. CROW: One thing I do have to hand to her is her sense of timing. It really *does feel* like we've been sitting here reading this for an entire year! MIKE: Yeah, complete with the trials and tribulations of a year... TOM: The countless times when people went to sleep and had to get back up again... CROW: Breakfasts, lunches, dinners... MIKE: The people you meet and then are supposed to continue to picture, even in scenes where their presence makes no difference... TOM: Getting knocked out and being all dazed and confused when you wake up again... CROW: What a crazy year it's been. > Time was running >out. The river was frozen over and would be an excellent means of escape. >By now, Turtana and Shredder were awake and alert to the small movements >downstairs. MIKE: [random stair-dweller] Whoa! There's one of them now; did you see it? I think it's wearing a robe! > Slowly, hoping that the stairs wouldn't creak, we slipped >downstairs, one at a time. I reached past the doorway and flipped on the >light. Two tirjils were in the room and they bolted for the dining room. CROW: [tirjils] G'yahh! Too bright! >They leapt through the glass doors leading to the patio and headed for the >river. Even though they had escaped, we decided to follow them. TOM: Follow those generic knock-off bad guys! > By the time >that we had gotten to the river, the tirjils had escaped. But that wasn't >the problem that we faced at this point. Suddenly, Leonardo appeared on the >horizon with a snowmobile. MIKE: [hums opening instrumental from "Bad to the Bone."] > Taking a wild chance, Shredder leapt aboard as >Leo sped by. Leo immediately brought the snowmobile to a stop and reached >back to grapple with Shredder. CROW: ... Wait a minute! Did we already *do* this fight? MIKE: Yeah, but only twice. > Suddenly, quickly, Shredder reached forward >and threw Leo aside. But with the power of the Eye in him, Leo wasn't >fazed. TOM: So, basically, the story has thrown up its hands and said, "Look, I just don't *feel* like being original or interesting anymore! Why don't I just re-use the snowmobile sequence from parts One *and* Two!" > Leo leapt up at him and the two of them wrestled on the ice before MIKE: ...Ricky Steamboat took the tag from Splinter and hit Leo with a devastating scissors kick. >Leo suddenly kicked his feet up, sending Shredder into the snowmobile >with a loud thud. Slowly, his body slumped to the ice and I knew that >he wouldn't be coming to our rescue anytime soon. CROW: In fact, he would go back to acting like an actual villain! > But before I could >gather my wits, Turtana attacked. She may look weak, but she was a born >fighter and was not to be messed with. MIKE: At least she *was* a born fighter...years ago... TOM: I like my mid-sentence tense shifts with a hint of mint. > But I knew that she, too, would be >defeated by Leo and the evil Eye. She darted towards him and Leo swiftly >lifted her over his head and threw her to the ice with a powerful backwards >slam. There was a sharp crack as her arm broke under the blow, CROW: Bringing our total "arm injury" count up another point! > but I did >not hear it, for I was now running along the drainage ditch that ran >along Turtle Farm before dropping off Turtle Cliff in a waterfall into >Turtle Lake. MIKE: And finally ending up in Turtle Park right across the street from Turtle Sea in the middle of the Turtle Continent. > But there was one more obstacle I had to pass. I had to make >it under a culvert that ran under the road past Turtle Farm unseen. I >passed through it, but not unseen. Leonardo knew in which direction I >was headed and was awaiting me on the other side of the culvert. CROW: Did she say "culvert" enough? TOM: TurtleNinja learned a new *vocabulary word* in school and she wanted to show it off a couple thousand times. > > Damn, I thought. CROW: Only I thought it Y7 style. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Darn! > He must have seen me run off. Now what? > >As I knelt there in the tall weeds, MIKE: Aaaaa-chooo! CROW: [TurtleNinja] Ew, Mikey, you got mist all over the place! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] There, ya see how it feels? > Leo drew his Katanas and was suddenly >in the company of two tirjils. Who they were, I had no idea. Their forms >were very familiar to me. I knew that I could not go anywhere, so I decided >to retreat further into the shadows of the culvert. Suddenly, I felt >something brush my foot. It felt like matted fur. TOM: With a third cameo appearance by the unconcious form of Master Splinter! MIKE and CROW: [dully] Yay. > But I paid it no heed >as Leo spotted me in the shadows and the threesome advanced. CROW: With the subtext she already has buried in this story, was that term really nessecary? >Suddenly, Leo stopped, the others just a few feet behind him. His >glowing red eyes flickered as he looked past me. > "You? What are you doing here?" MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...just scoping out some killer fungal pizza toppings, dude... >I briefly looked behind me. Could it be? Could it really be? It was. CROW: But...could it really be? > It was >Master Splinter lying there, half on the ice, half on the mud and water near >the wall of the culvert. CROW: [sarcastic] Wow...I know *I'm* shocked. TOM: Synonyms for "culvert." Sewer. Drain. Channel. Conduit. [starts to yell] For crying out loud, use a different word! > I glanced back at Leo, who had turned his head >away. Suddenly, Splinter spoke to us. > "Leonardo, stop. Why must you do this? Why must you hurt Michaelangelo?" CROW: ...Because maybe with no narrator, the story will end? MIKE: Don't bet on it. > "Because our master says we must." >I looked over at the tirjil who had spoken just before the two of them >tore off their masks. A short gasp escaped Splinter's lips as he saw who >they were. > "Raphael! Donatello!" MIKE: [Splinter] Renassiance painters? *Here?* >I quickly looked back at Splinter. It appeared that he had fainted back >on the ice. I couldn't tell. Suddenly, I was aware of yet another figure nearby. TOM: It's John Henson! He's going to fight them off with his quips and humor! CROW: Go, skunk boy, go! >But before I could move, the figure leapt down from the road and called out an >incantation. > "Kamika kashana!" ['Bots break into song.] TOM: Kamika kashana! What a wonderful phrase! CROW: Kamika kashana... ain't no passin' craze! >Despite the shadows, I could tell that it was TurtleNinja. She had her >amulet raised and aimed at Raphael and Donatello. The red immediately >disappeared from their eyes and they turned towards Leonardo. > "No. You're both under my command. Attack the enemy, not me!" CROW: Attack while it's tail's up! MIKE: Oops. > Leo >cried out, but it was of no use. Raphael and Donatello advanced, weapons >drawn. But as Donnie attacked, I knew that Leo could not be overtaken that >easily. His eyes glowed bright red as he used his Katanas to disarm his >brother. MIKE: Oh...owch! TOM: [British] 'Tis but a flesh wound! > With one swift motion, he tossed Donnie aside and into a patch >of reeds and sharp ice. MIKE: Hey, watch out for that ice--we just had it sharpened! > This infuriated Raph, who attacked next. But even >he was no match for the power of the Eye. He was tossed into the side of >the road, where the culvert protruded from it. There was the sound of impact >and I could see a small trickle of blood start to run down his reptilan >forehead. [Number on screen: 16.] CROW: Would it *kill* her to just say: "green" forhead? > That left TN, Splinter, and myself. But even the odds did not >stop Leo from attacking. I stepped in front of TurtleNinja to prevent her >from being the first of Leo's victims and found myself being flung through >the air. MIKE: [Loud Michaelangelo style...] Cowabuuuuuaaaaiaiaiaiannnnga!! BOTS: Gah! CROW: Don't *do* that! > I went flying back into the culvert and landed by Splinter with a >loud thud. My eyes went wide with pain as a red lightning bolt of pain >shot up my entire left side. TOM: Must be just a bruise. Getting a rib fractured is more of an *orange* lightning bolt of pain. > My eyes closed and everything went dark as >the red light in my head left me. By now, Leo had turned his attention to >Splinter and TN. Just when all seemed lost, Splinter called out the same >words that TurtleNinja had a few moments ago. > "Kamika kashana!" BOTS: [singing] It's our Red Eye free...philosophy! Kamika kashana! >Leo's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the ice. MIKE: Oh...I'm sorry. "Dying" on the ice is currently against the rules for the Olympic Ice Dance. TOM: That's gonna cost him the gold. > TN turned >back to Splinter and my limp body as a sound in the reeds ahead caused her >to draw her Katana. > CROW: Splinter responded by drawing an Atlas, an Crockett, and a Quickdraw. >Chapter 8 >Splinter's Tale III > CROW: Revenge of the Return of... TOM: Of *crap!* >TurtleNinja turned towards the noise only to see an injured Turtana coming >towards her, arm broken and hanging limply at her side. MIKE: Good to see the arm injuries are coming along nicely! > Shredder came along >soon after, a large bruise on his forehead. TN quickly sheathed her Katana >and she noticed that Tur's eyes were full of surprise when she saw everyone >lying on the ice. > "What happened here, TurtleNinja?" she asked. CROW: Ice capades...gone...horribly wrong... > "The Eye. It knew that we were here and did this." TurtleNinja replied. > "But how did Leonardo get here? I thought that he was with Sashi in >Yumanan space." Shredder said skeptically. TOM: Ever hear of a *spaceship,* cans for brains? > "It doesn't matter. He's here, we're here, and the Eye's out there." >TN said softly, running over to Leo. She shook him gently, getting no >response. Reaching down to his neck, she felt for a pulse. There was one >and she whispered in his ear; CROW: [falsetto whisper] Leonardo... Leonardo... I'm the ghost of last week's pepperoni pizza... [falsetto aside] Yeah, that'll freak him out... > "Leonardo! Leonardo, get up this instant!" MIKE: [Leonardo] Gah! [cleaning out his ears] TOM: That's some *whisper!* >As if on command, Leo's eyes fluttered and then opened. TOM: [falsetto] Good boy! Now...heel... Heel...there's a boy! > He looked up at her, >disoriented and very confused. > "TurtleNinja, what are you doing here?" he asked. CROW: [falsetto] Oh, the laundry... *What* do you *think?* > "Never mind. You're here, we're here, and the Eye is gone." she said >softly, looking into Leo's eyes tenderly. > "What Eye? Whose eye?" ALL: [muted trumpet] Whaa, whaa, whaaaa... MIKE: Ah, the endless hilarity of awakening from an unconcious evil stupor. TOM: Never fails to amuse. > "Never mind. I'll tell you later." >TurtleNinja had forgotten how tough it was to remember what had happened >when the Eye possessed someone. Pulling Leo to his feet, TN looked around >for Raph and Donnie. CROW: Florence Turtlegail to the rescue! > She first found Donnie in the weeds, sprawled out on >shards of sharp ice. MIKE: She has a problem confusing "ice" with "glass," doesn't she? TOM: Tip, TurtleNinja: ice *melts.* > Gently turning him over onto his shell, TurtleNinja >found that he was uninjured exept for a small flesh wound above his left eye. >While TN was looking over Donnie, Leo had found Raph and was kneeling beside >him. Raph was facedown in the weeds and Leo gently turned him over, TOM: [crrrrrrriiiiccckkkk...!] CROW: Oh, shouldn't have done that...*there* goes his spine. > finding >a cut on his forehead, one he feared was deep. > "Raph? Raphael? Please, Raph, buddy, wake up!" Leo cried, sobbing softly. MIKE: Wow--he goes from He Man to Wimp Boy in 2.5 seconds! >He reached out and gently pressed his hand to the small cut. Quickly, he >pulled it back to find that his reptilian hand was covered with blood. [Number on screen: 18.] CROW: *Green* hand. >Raph's blood. He glanced over at Shredder, who was setting Turtana's arm and >putting it in a makeshift sling. MIKE: He's qualified to do that, right? TOM: Oh, yeah, definitely. Shredder went to medical school. Of course, that was only *after* he spent three years as a Navy Seal. I hear right now he's working on writing the great American crime novel! > Looking back at Raph, he leaned forward, >resting his head on Raph's limp body. By now, Donnie was awake and managed >to limp over to where Leo and Raph were. CROW: [Donatello] Hi, guys. Need an injured geek? > It appeared that he had sprained >his ankle when he had landed. Suddenly, they heard a soft moan. TOM: [Leonardo] Oh, TurtleNinja--for crying out loud, would you *knock off* the passion for just five minutes while my bones knit? > Not mine, >Raph's. MIKE: ... "Mine?" CROW: Yeah, narrator's knocked out again. MIKE: Oh. > Slowly, Leo pulled back from his brother and then helped him to sit >up, giving him a soft, all-knowing look that told Raph that he was going to >be okay. TOM: [Leonardo] Raphael, I'm God, and I'm going to heal you. > "Leo, you're back! What happened? Where's Michaelangelo?" he asked. > "Yeah, I'm back. I'm not sure what happened, but TurtleNinja has said >something about a Red Eye. And as for Mikey, I don't know where he is." Leo >replied. MIKE: [Leonardo] Though he might be floating above us, narrating... > Just then, a sharp gasp from Turtana, who was in the culvert, >caused them to come running. > "Michaelangelo!" >They all ran into the culvert to find my limp body next to Splinter. [All snicker.] CROW: Well, that's just about the dumbest *that's* gotten in a while. > Leo >reached down and felt for a pulse. I seemed to have one and TN went to check >on Splinter. He was barely conscious, but his eyes were open and he was >breathing. MIKE: Later, he would awaken from being unconcious. "Where am I?" he would ask. > With the help of Leo, Raph, and Donnie, TurtleNinja managed to >get Splinter and me back to the Sleeping Quarters. > >* * * > >Later, as they all gathered around a pizza, exept me, I was still >unconscious, [All laugh again.] TOM: No, Crow, you were wrong; *that's* much dumber. CROW: Well, safe to say that first person narration can't get much dumber than that. TOM: Well, we still have a few more pages left here. > Leo asked Splinter about what had happened. > "Master Splinter, what did TurtleNinja mean by the Eye? Did it have >something to do with what happened tonight?" Leo asked. > "Yes, it does. Perhaps it is time to tell you the full story." Splinter >said softly, taking a sip of his herbal tea. CROW: Annnnndd the story starts over from the beginning. MIKE and TOM: NOOOOOOO!! > "When you returned to Turtle Farm, I was just as surprised as your >brothers were, if not more. But you were very angry with me. When I looked >into your eyes, I saw the Red Eye in them, burning into me, ALL: [by rote] burning their hatred as if to burn me alive. > waiting to >destroy, waiting to burn me alive. TOM: Thank you. > As the Eye over took me, I let it burn >into me and I felt like I was dying." >Splinter continued with his story, each of them listening to it intently, CROW: [Michaelangelo] Except me. I was unconscious, and dreaming of Cindy Crawford. >especially Leonardo. Splinter thought of how hard it would be for Leo >to hear of all the evil that he had done, the pain that he would be feeling. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, at the shuttle, Sashi awaited Leonardo's return. It was >nearly midnight and he was not back. Sashi was very angry. MIKE: See Sashi wait. Wait, Sashi! Wait! > > What if they managed to capture him? No, that's impossible, Sashi >thought. Still... TOM: [falsetto] Still...it worked in the movies... > >Sashi thought about Leo endlessly as she paced the small sleeping quarters >of the shuttle. She was right. We had captured Leo, but the Eye had not left him. MIKE: Oh...oh... I call No Way on that! TOM: Yeah, they *did* this plot point already the *last* time they fought Leonardo on a snowmobile!! CROW: Did this story just lap itself, or what? > >* * * CROW: I say if this story is the same thing again, we use all the exact same riffs. TOM: Yeah--we'll give this story a taste of its own medicine; that's what! > > "And when I awoke, I found that I was near Turtle Farm, but I could >not get up to find out how close. I soon learned that I couldn't move most >of my limbs and that my fur was matted down with blood, water, and mud. >Yet, I had no memory of the past, but I could remember what happened >briefly after my capture. MIKE: Eventually, I became unconscious. Then, I awoke! > I lay there for what seemed like a few minutes, but >it must have been a few hours, for dusk quickly came and night soon followed. >I lay there, half-conscious, wondering why I was there. CROW: It could have been months, or even days, or even many many passages of the great firey orb above the plane of Earth, for the body needed less of the fetid food of dogs to sustain itself when in the captivity of the bowls of prison as was Grignr. > Suddenly, my old >girlfriend, Vivienne Sui, appeared, but I figured that she was just a >hallucination. MIKE: Whoa. CROW: *That's* different. TOM: Vivi-who? > At this point, I couldn't tell. TOM: Oh. > My head started to swim and >my eyes veiled over. I don't know what happened, perhaps I passed out. When >I came to, she was still there and she spoke my name, dream-like. > 'Yoshi.' MIKE: [squeaky voice] Mama Luigi! Mama Luigi! CROW: [Yoshi noise.] >I could see that she had what looked like a small blanket in her hands, >but something on it was moving. I looked closer. TOM: What, so Splinter's got an illegitimate son now? CROW: Wonder how *Jade* finds out about all this. > >* * * > > 'So, I have caught you at last, my defiant rat! TOM: [evil falsetto] And your little dog, too! > Now that you have gone >and betrayed me, you are of no use to me any longer. I will destroy you >here and now!' MIKE: Okay, when did Barbara Streisand get into this story? >Sashi snapped her fingers, siganling the tirjils nearby. CROW: [breathy] Gentlemen...it's massage time. > They came closer >until they were standing around me. Each one took turns in beating me MIKE: Oh, oh, my turn! CROW: [at various intervals] No, me! Me! TOM: I wanna bruise him! Can I? Can I? CROW: Sashi! You never let *me* have a turn...!! >until my body was covered with cuts, bruises, and I was bleeding badly. >My shoulder throbbed with pain and Sashi screamed before I briefly passed >out. But before I lost all consciousness, I felt a pair of warm, furry >hands lower me to the ground." TOM: So, he got rescued by Cookie Monster? > >Chapter 9 >Splinter's Tale IV > MIKE: Ran out of chapter titles. Sad, really. > "When I came to, I was barely breathing. Sashi and the tirjils had left, >they thought that I was dead. Suddenly, the steel door banged open and >another figure came in. CROW: [Splinter] It...it was Michael Jordan! I don't know how or why, but it *was!* > But this one was not a tirjil. When I looked up >and gave the figure a closer look, I found that it was a mutated rat. Not >like myself, but an overgrown sewer rat. TOM: So...in other words...*exactly* like yourself, seeing as how you are-- correct us if we are wrong here--an overgrown sewer rat. MIKE: The new one doesn't have martial arts training, though. TOM: Ah, right. > It scurried over to me and pushed >on my shoulders until I was on my back, staring at the titianium ceiling. >It then sniffed my face and shoulders, whiskers twitching. CROW: [mutant rat] Are you my mommy? > Then it sat on >its hind legs, staring at me intently. When I closed my eyes, it gave a >loud squeak and I felt something moving on me. Actually, it was more >like crawling. MIKE: [swatting at the air] Ah! Spiders! Spiders! Get 'em off! CROW: The flying elves are back!! > When I looked up, the big rat was gone, but now there was >a bunch of smaller ones crawling about me. TOM: Eeeewwww... > Soon, they were moving me, >but I slipped into unconsciousness before I could find out where. > >* * * > > "Once more, I awoke, confused. MIKE: [Splinter] I was getting used to it by now. > I was now on the icy ditch beneath the >culvert. The smaller rats were gone, but now the big one was in front of >me. It was as big as a dog, and the surprising thing was, it could speak. > 'Are you okay?' it asked, its voice almost like...Leonardo's. TOM: [snicker] They were too cheap to hire another *voice actor.* CROW: Keneda! > 'Yes. But why am I here?' I asked. > 'You will soon find out.' CROW: [Rat] Right after the complimentary continental breakfast. >The rat scurried off and left me alone. It didn't return until after >nightfall, when it was dark. It had a pack like the one Jade had on its >back MIKE: --teddy bear shaped-- > and I felt myself being dragged off the ice. Weeds and mud covered >my body and I realized why. TOM: [Splinter] Because there were weeds and mud everywhere. > The temperature had dropped and the weeds and >mud prevented me from freezing. It pulled the pack off its back and it >reached inside with a large, clawed, furry paw. CROW: The weeds and mud have a furry paw? > It withdrew a chunk of >cheese and a small bottle of milk. Since I could not move, it fed it to me. > 'Where did you get this?' I asked. > 'From a nearby dairy farm. They make so much, they don't miss it.' MIKE: [farmer voice] Well, I reckon I'll just get these last few buckets, and...what in tarnation? There's a giant rat milking Bossie! >This went on for many days until we ran out of cheese and milk. Then the rat >left for a refill. That's when I saw her. TOM: Her? Her who? Vivienne? Jade? Courtney Love? Who? > And that's when the pictures on >the blanket faded. CROW: He thought he was watching TV that whole time, and he was just staring at a blanket. What a maroon... > I was asleep, Vivienne was gone, and the blanket was draped >about my shoulders. But the rat had returned and I ate before I fell >asleep again. > >Final Chapter of the Red Eye Pentology [All cheer] TOM: [singing] Celebrate good times; come on! > >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles MIKE: [announcer] The bout of the cennnntury...!! > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: The author, the character, the legend. > >It was here that Master Splinter stopped. His eyes were misted over TOM: Hey! We had nothing to do with this. > and he >looked over at Leonardo. His head was down and Splinter knew that he was >crying. They all were. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, sorry, dudes...I hope you all like fresh-cut onions on your pizza! > "Please continue, Master Splinter." Raphael said softly. >Splinter took another sip of his tea and continued with his horrifying story. > CROW: [Splinter] Then, after I got out of the gulag... >* * * > > "When I awoke, Michaelangelo was just running through the culvert. I >heard footsteps above and I knew that Leonardo had found him. Michaelangelo >stopped just on the other side, in the tall weeds, and Leonardo was in front >of him, Katanas drawn. MIKE: He does a nice quick gesture drawing with vine charcoal...you should take a look some time! Right there in Leonardo's sketchpad next to the flying contraption and all those backwards notes... > Suddenly, two tirjils leapt down from the road and >stood by Leonardo. That was when he saw me. > 'You? What are you doing here?' he asked. CROW: [Splinter] Umm...call of nature? TOM: [Splinter] I was looking around for a Dunkin Donuts! Want some coffee...? > 'Why, Leonardo? Why must you hurt Michaelangelo?' I asked. >One of the tirjils turned towards me, eyes glowing bright red beneath the >black mask. > 'Because our master says we must.' he said. CROW: Been here already. TOM: Re-riff! >His voice I could never forget. But yet, I knew that it couldn't be true. The >tirjils pulled off their masks and I found that I was right. I could tell from >the way that Michaelangelo jerked back suddenly that he was as surprised as I was. > 'Raphael! Donatello!' I cried. MIKE: [Splinter] Renassiance painters? *Here?* TOM: Yeah, all right! CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? [Mike baps him on the head.] >Just then, I felt another's presense nearby. Suddenly, someone leapt from the >road in front of Michaelangelo. When the amulet was raised, I knew who it >was. TurtleNinja. She aimed the amulet at Raphael and Donatello as she called out; > 'Kamika kashana!' CROW: Everybody now! ALL: [singing] It means no worries, for the rest of your days... >Almost immediately, the Red Eye left Raphael and Donatello's bodies >permanently and they started towards Leonardo, weapons drawn. MIKE: Aren't they supposed to act confused and disoriented? CROW: They don't care; they just really *hate* Leonardo. > Donatello >attacked first. TOM: [Donatello] *That's* for making me practice martial arts while I was trying to work on a nuclear pizza oven! > Leonardo quickly and easily disarmed him, sending his bo >flying into the yard of Turtle Farm. Donatello charged him and was thrown >into the weeds to the east. Raphael attacked and was just as easily disarmed. MIKE: Don't the Ninja Turtles ever attack more than one at a time? TOM: Wouldn't be fair, Mike. >Leonardo threw down his Katanas and threw Raphael into the side of the >culvert. CROW: Wow! Leonardo kicks ass! I know which turtle I want on *my* team. > He attacked us and Michaelangelo stepped in front of TurtleNinja, >hoping to block Leonardo's attack. He was thrown back into the culvert >onto the ice and then slipped into unconsciousness. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...turtle power? > I then called out >the same words that TurtleNinja had just moments ago. > 'Kamika kashana!' CROW: Yo' mamma! >Leonardo's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the ice. >The Eye was gone. > MIKE: But...didn't Sashi say that then she could *re*win Leonardo, if... TOM: Yeah, but that was pages ago. Remember, we just had to rewatch an entire flashback. Now the story happens again. MIKE: Aaaa!! TOM: It's just endless torture with no real hope. I've gotten used to it. >* * * > >It was late, a few minutes after midnight, and we all went to bed. All >but Leo and Master Splinter. By now, I had awakened and felt refreshed. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Come on, guys, *I'm* up!! Anyone wanna play Yahtzee? >Even though everone else was asleep, including TN, I decided to follow Leo >and Splinter. I just knew that the Eye had not left him, but was merely >weakened. The Eye had grown so strong in him that even TurtleNinja's amulet >was of no use. There had to be another way... MIKE: Perhaps modern science would have the answer... CROW: [Michaelangelo] If I build a time machine... No, no, wouldn't want to tamper in God's domain. > and I was determined to find it. >I followed them to Splinter's study. > "Leonardo, my son. You have been gone for such a long time. Are you sure >that you're okay?" Splinter asked. TOM: [Splinter] Are you experiencing any headaches? Blurred vision? > "I have done something awfully wrong today, haven't I?" Leo asked. MIKE: If you count beating the rest of the team senseless as "something wrong," yeah... > "No. Why do you stand there, Leonardo, as if in shame? You've done nothing >wrong. The Eye made you do what you did. What you did today, can be made right." CROW: [Leonardo] So...what about what I did for those other 364 days? > "Uh-uh. It can't. I must not disobey. I must not disobey her." >Had I heard Leo right? He could not disobey her? > "What are you talking about, Leonardo? You are still my son, my most >faithful student." TOM: [Splinter] My beneficiary, even! > "You heard me. MIKE: [tough Leonardo] You *listen* to *me,* old man... > I cannot disobey her. I am Sashi's. I belong to her." >I had heard right. If only he would say more. CROW: More...about Sashi's sweet lips... About her caress... TOM: We love you, Sashi!! > "No. You are my son and my most faithful student. Tell me what is >troubling you." > "You are wrong! I am not your son and you will never be my father. MIKE: [Leonardo] You're a rat; I'm a turtle; face it; it just doesn't work! > Sashi >is the only one in my life now. You are nothing but a worthless sewer >rat!" Leo cried. CROW: So, Leo's talking to his agent? >Quickly, I snuck away back to my room to TurtleNinja. I had to tell her >what I had overheard. We would have to defeat the Eye soon, or lose >Leo...forever. MIKE: Given the trouble he's been, lately...would that *really* be so bad? CROW: Yes. He *kicks ass,* Mike! Didn't you *see* him up there? TOM: Well, they could look at this this way; they've lost Leonardo, but they gained the Shredder! > >Chapter 10 >Return To Yumana TOM: Yumana. Return again...for the first time. > >Early the next morning, I awoke. I looked over at TN and waited for her to >awaken. Immediately, she yawned and looked up at me. She awoke and looked >up at me, yawning softly. MIKE: [falsetto] Did you make my breakfast? CROW: [Michaelangelo, grumbling] Oh, it's like this *every time,* now, isn't it? Ten minutes of nasty and then I gotta make you *scrambled eggs.* > "Good morning, TurtleNinja." I said softly. > "So, are you ready to finally defeat the Red Eye, once and for all?" she >asked. > "Yeah. You bet your sweet shell I am." TOM: [falsetto] You...you really think it's sweet? Why, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! >She slowly sat up when Turtana's cry rang throughout the Sleeping Quarters. > "Leonardo! He's gone!" >TurtleNinja and I flung aside our blankets and ran down the hall to Leo's >room, tying on our eyemasks as we ran. MIKE: You mean they were sleeping in the nude? CROW: No! Shield your eyes! > We burst through the door in Leo's >room, finding Turtana before an empty bed. It wasn't long after that >Splinter, Raphael, Donatello, Zenobia, CROW: Beavis, Butt-head, TOM: Luke Skywalker, MIKE: Tori Spelling, CROW: (That's the spirit!) Don Knotts, TOM: Jeneanne Garaffalo, MIKE: Zorak and the Original Way-Outs! CROW: Carol Channing, TOM: The Creepy Girl, MIKE: Yo' mama, > and Shredder burst in after us. > "What's wrong, Turtana?" Splinter asked. > "It's Leonardo. He's gone back to Yumana. Back to Sashi." > "Get dressed everyone. CROW: Put on your eye-masks and your kneepads! > We're going back to Yumana." TN said. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi and Leonardo were already on their way back to Yumana. >Sashi once again used the power of the Eye to cause Leonardo to slip into >unconsciousness. TOM: Why does it have to be so complicated? Why doesn't she just knock him out like that and take off his head? CROW: Well then who would feed the slug? > Once she had landed, she dragged Leo's limp body into the >cave. Deeper than she had before. She brought him to an underground lake >that led to nearby Pernia. She knew because she had swum that way >before. MIKE: "Had swum"? TOM: You just don't get the chance to see that construct in context very often. > Dressing in the uniform of a tirjil, she waited for Leonardo to wake >up. A few minutes later, Leo awoke. He looked around and then washed >his reptilian face in the lake. MIKE: Cambot, what's our tally? [Number on screen: 19.] CROW: We're going for twenty!! > That was when he noticed the tirjil >standing next to him. > "Who are you? What do you want?" Leo asked. MIKE: [Leonardo] If you're looking for coffee, it's over on the stove. > "You know who I am. But I want nothing from you. TOM: Except... your soul. Mwa ha ha ha!! > Follow me." >Sashi motioned for Leonardo to follow her into the lake. Leo dove in >after her and through the waters of the lake. MIKE: Imagine that: she says "go jump in the lake," and he does it. > Soon, they surfaced and >Sashi reached up and removed her mask. > "Sashi, what do you want?" > "Like I said, CROW: [falsetto] Your soul! Aren't you paying attention? > nothing." >But she did want something. She wanted him to be destroyed. A few >minutes before they left, she released the slug in the plaza of Pernia. TOM: --right next to the Starbucks. >She once again motioned for Leo to follow her and he followed because of >the Eye. Once he was in the plaza, and he saw the slug, he froze. But >Sashi merely increased the power of the Eye MIKE: [slight accent] No! Not to fifty!! > and Leo walked up to the slug. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, we were in the TurtleNinja and well on our way to Yumana >and the city of Pernia. TOM: Apparently, the only city *on* Yumana. > We landed softly and silently just outside of >Pernia and arrived just in time to see Leo walk up to the slug. Sashi >was watching from afar and aimed a long-range arrow at TN. CROW: [snicker] As opposed to a "short-range" arrow. > I looked up >in time to see her aim the arrow and knocked TurtleNinja aside. The >arrow whizzed by as the slug bent down towards Leonardo. I could see the >fear in Leo's eyes as he realized what was going to happen. MIKE: Oh no. Bannanarama's not going to reform, are they? > Sashi had now >turned her attention back to the slug and Leo as I pulled TN to her feet. >All of a sudden, the slug moved towards Leo and swallowed him whole in >the blink of an eye. MIKE: [Homer Simpson] Mmmmm... Turtle... > TurtleNinja screamed and then turned to Shredder, >saying; TOM: [falsetto] Oh, well! Boyfriend's dead! Your turn! > "You've gotta do something! The slug cannot eat both you and Leonardo. >It'll throw up. Do it for Leo. Do it for...me." [Assorted snickering and laughter.] > she said pleadingly, >running up to him and throwing her reptilian arms around his neck. [Number on screen: 20] CROW: Hey, we've got twenty! Twenty "reptilian"s! >Shredder, unaccustomed to TurtleNinja's sudden affection, TOM: No kidding? > flushed >slightly and said; > "Well, I don't know. Are you sure of this?" MIKE: Did you turn off the iron before we left Earth? > "Yes. Remember our peace agreement? Remember how we're all in this >together until the Eye is defeated?" > "Yes. Turtana, do you still have your hoverboard? I'll need it to >get to the slug." CROW: What...wha-- her *hoverboard?* TOM: [Shredder] TurtleNinja, do you still have that plot contrivance handy? > "Yeah." >He took her hoverboard and took off across the plaza. We watched as >the hoverboard lifted him up to the level of the slug's head. MIKE: Hey--it's just like the second Back to the Future movie! CROW: Only McFly's wearing some heavy metal. > We watched >as he then leapt into the slug's mouth and the hoverboard fell to the >ground. We all waited for the slug's reaction. TOM: Michael J. Fox is a rather interesting choice to cast as the Shredder. > It was only a few seconds >before the slug began to heave up its meal. MIKE: Look out; she's gonna blow! > Then, suddenly, it bent >down and opened its mouth. Leo and Shredder came sliding out on a wave >of disgusting slime. ALL: Eeeeeewwww....yuuuuckkk... [etc] > TurtleNinja quickly raised the amulet, called out the >incantation, TOM: Inna Godda Divida! > and released the slug from the Eye's power. The slug >shook its head and then turned towards Sashi. Before it could move, TN >and I moved Leo and Shredder's bodies out of its way. TurtleNinja then >used a small hand towel to wipe the slime from Leonardo's reptilian face. [Number on screen: 21] MIKE: You know she was prepared enough to follow the advice in the Hitchhiker's Guide. >A few seconds later, he gasped and came around. He looked up at TN, >very confused. > "TurtleNinja? Is that you?" he asked. > "Yes, Leonardo. It's me." TurtleNinja said, allowing Leonardo to bury >his face in her chestplate. CROW: Eww...they're gettin' slug-puke everywhere! TOM: I bet that smells devine. > We looked over at Shredder, who was still >unconscious. Splinter reached down to his neck and felt for a pulse. MIKE: [Splinter] Well, he's dead, so, guess we really don't have anything to worry about! How cool is *that?* > "He's got a pulse, he made it." Splinter said. >Sashi's sudden scream made us turn around. The slug had just swallowed >her alive. TOM: No! No! Not Sashi! CROW: TN just killed off the only character with any literary value! > TN turned towards the slug and called out; > "Release her, she did not mean to harm you." >Surprisingly, the slug did as she asked. MIKE: What? CROW: [Shredder] Oh, *that's* convenient, TurtleNinja...you couldn't have told it to do that *before*? > Sashi landed in a wet heap on the >ground and several townspeople ran over to her to make sure that she was >okay. TOM: Rubberneckers quickly arrived on the scene. > It appeared that the slug had sucked the Red Eye from their bodies >and allowed their true selves to go back. MIKE: Ah--so *that's* the answer! TOM: Well, seems like to combat the Red Eye, we all have to get eaten by a giant slug. CROW: But I don't wanna combat the Red Eye! I think it's pretty cool! > TurtleNinja left Leonardo to >check on Shredder. She managed to wipe the slime from his face and waited >for him to wake up. While she was doing this, I went over to Leo and said; MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Hey, man, I know it's not the time, but...about that five bucks you owe me? Oh, and, by the way, I stole your girlfriend. > "Welcome back, bro. We missed you." >A sudden coughing noise to my right caused me to turn towards TN and >Shredder. He had awakened and TurtleNinja was helping him to sit up. CROW: [Shredder] Wh--why do I have this sudden urge to board a DeLorian and travel into the Old West? >The Legend of the Red Eye was over, the Eye was now gone forever. > "Hey everyone, it's been great, but we've got to get back home." MIKE: [falsetto] You've been a great audience, really...we love you... Yumanans are the best people. > TN said >to the townspeople as we boarded the TurtleNinja. Our battle was finally over. > TOM: So...naturally, we were just going to continue with the narration. >Epilogue > > "And when you were in the slug's system, the Eye was sucked out of you. >The rest, you know." TurtleNinja said. The ride home in the TurtleNinja was >spent telling Leo of all that had happened while he was possessed by the Eye. MIKE: Of course, you could always be reposESSed by the Eye...facilitiating the need for more story. BOTS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! MIKE: [laugh] Just kidding. TOM: You *hope.* >He had a slightly difficult time understanding, CROW: [Leonardo, stupid] Sooo...what's an eye, again? > but he was ashamed when he >did fully understand. When we arrived home, we gathered our things from the >TurtleNinja and went back to our rooms. But Leo felt that he had a lot of >explaining to do. He was really upset after hearing Splinter's story and was >really upset at all the evil he had done. TOM: And he was really, *really* upset when I told him that TurtleNinja was having my baby, but, well, what are you going to do? > But that's Leo for you. CROW: A complete hosebag. > A leader >through and through. > "Guys, I'm really sorry. You must hate me now. I don't know how I can make >it up to you all." Leo said softly. TOM: [falsetto] Build statues of us and worship. > "You don't have to." TN said. > "Yeah. You don't have to." Donatello, Raphael, and I said simultaneously. MIKE: [Donatello] You owe me a coke! > "You really don't. What you did this past year to us can be made right. MIKE: We can just wipe the fan-fic right off our hard drive! BOTS: Yee-ha! >You are still my most faithful student, no matter what happens." Splinter >said softly. > "Well, I must go. It's been great." Shredder said. CROW: [Shredder] ...but I gotta get back to the rest of the Keaton family... >But before any of us could turn to him, he was gone and the only sound left >was that of the front door banging shut. Leo gave TurtleNinja and I an >all-knowing smile that told us that he understood. MIKE: Shredder's going to be evil again! BOTS: [cheer] > We had stopped the Red Eye >just in time. > TOM: --for dinner. >* * * > >Later that night, I heard voices in TN and Leonardo's room. As it was >before the Eye, Leo and TurtleNinja were talking late at night. CROW: Just talking. That's how it always was. They talked. They never actually *did* anything; they just talked. They were pathetic and it showed. > "TN, I wish that this didn't have to happen. I can't believe that I >wanted to kill you, Splinter, and Michaelangelo. I just can't believe it." >Leo said. MIKE: I can't believe I ate the *whole* thing. > "Don't worry. It's all over now and you're back." she said softly. >Leo understood all that had happened in this past year and wished that he >could make it up to her. Finally, after a bit of silence, Leo said; > "It's over, TurtleNinja. It's finally over." TOM: Yay...! CROW: No, no...wait... > "Yeah. It's over, and I still love you." she said softly. MIKE: Ya-hoo! CROW: Nope... hang on... >After awhile, TN whispered; > "It's over, Leonardo. The ancient legend of the Red Eye is finally over." CROW: Okay, now! [All cheer.] > >The Legend Of The Red Eye Is Concluded. [Cheers and tears.] CROW: We did it! We did it; oh my God, we finally made it! TOM: Bless you, Mike! We're all alive! MIKE: [picking Tom up] Can you believe, we did it... CROW: Hooray! [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge] MIKE: Well, it's over. CROW: That's right, Mike, the Legend of the Red Eye is finally over. TOM: We did it, and it's over. MIKE: It's over and we're doing fine. [Mike hits the Mads button] MIKE: Hey, guess what, the Legend of the Red Eye is finally over! CROW: It's totally and completely...over. [Deep 13] SHAO KAHN: That's what *you* think, mortals! But have you forgotten? We still have the small matter of the Red Eye...within *you!* [SoL. A slight pause.] MIKE: Oh, yeah. CROW: Plum forgot. [Deep 13] SHAO KAHN: And just to prove my mastery over all evil... [Pearl enters, leading in...Sashi (portrayed in an ill-fitting Ninja Turtle costume)! The ladies wave.] [SoL] CROW: Whoo-hoo! It's Sashi!! TOM: Hunka hunka burnin' *evil!* [Deep 13] SASHI: [over-dramatically] That's right, my little friends. And because of my Red Eye, I now have control over your thoughts...your actions... your very *being!* Mwa ha ha! Now...you will do whatever I say... [SoL.] ALL: [trance-like] We will do whatever Sashi says... [Deep 13.] SASHI: Very good, my little minions... [Three villains laugh maniacally. There is a knock at the door.] PEARL: Clayton, would you get that, dear? [Dr. Forrester walks onscreen, and over to the door, grumbling to himself. He opens the door to reveal...] GRIGNR: [leaping dramatically into the room] Ah! Vile dogs! Be stolid, for I Grignr have arrived for to destruct and smite thee to the bowls of someplace much like the direst of hells! SASHI: [turns around for a second] Say what? GRIGNR: For thou hast the Red Eye of Argon, finest of glowing red emeralds, and jewel for to bedeck on the beard of Mrifk! By mine soward, thou shalt be punsihed! [All the bad guys blink, not fully undertanding the speech. Suddenly, Grignr attacks Sashi with his sword. With a quite audible "Snikt," Sashi engages her "claw-weapons" and a fight ensues.] [SoL. Mike and the Bots stand staring straight ahead. Enter Gypsy.] GYPSY: Hi, guys, what's up? MIKE: We must obey Sashi. GYPSY: Really? That's swell... Hey...wait a minute! Have you boys been possessed by an evil force again? TOM: [non-chalantly] We must obey Sashi. GYPSY: [sigh] Hang on. [Exits.] [Deep 13. Sashi and Grignr battle on, both spouting cliches from their respective stories. Forrester, Pearl, and Shao Kahn are watching the fight; no one is making any move to help anyone.] SHAO KAHN: Ah...reminds me of the good old days back in Outworld... barbaric tournaments... all that fun stuff. [SASHI in the background din: Your hatred...it burns into me!!] PEARL: Yeah, it's something else, isn't it? SHAO KAHN: You know what? I think that maybe that really still is my calling. I should just leave the bad fan-fic up to you nice evil folk. You seem to be pretty good at it. [GRIGNR in the background din: Fowl wench! Mine sword shalt turn thine own destruction against thyself!] FORRESTER: Well, that's mighty nice of you to say! It has been a long, strange trip... [SoL. Re-enter Gypsy, wearing a necklace with a plastic-looking "ruby" eye on it.] GYPSY: Umm...lemme see here... Una paloma blanca! No, wait... Kamika kashana! [Bad light-burst effect over the faces of Mike and the Bots.] MIKE: [shaking himself off] What...what happened? TOM: Where are we? CROW: What's going on? GYPSY: You guys got posessed by an evil force again. MIKE: But...is... CROW: Did we read "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology"? GYPSY: Guess so. TOM: Did...did it *end?* GYPSY: Must have. MIKE: But I... CROW: I don't remember it! I don't remember a full half of it! TOM: *YES!* We don't have to remember all of the Red Eye Pentology! MIKE: Think of the pain we've just been spared! The suffering that's been avoided! CROW: We don't have to hold that terrible thought in our skulls! [Deep 13. The Mads have been eavesdropping on the SoL and now completely ignore the fight.] PEARL: Youuuuu *WHAT?*? [SoL.] CROW: We don't remember most of the "Red Eye Pentology." [Deep 13.] PEARL: [outraged] That's it! You march back into that theater *right now,* and... FORRESTER: Mom...it's okay. Reading the first half of that story is just like reading the last half... I've been doing some extra work on the fan-fic and sensitive scientific instruments are completely unable to tell seperate chapters apart. Making them read it again would just be a waste of our time... [SASHI in background din: I sense your true self fighting back!] PEARL: [frustrated] Grrrrr... [At SoL gang:] Why you little... SHAO KAHN: [with his bags packed and slung over his shoulder] Bye, guys! FORRESTER: Bye! Stay evil! PEARL: Bye! Umm... what was I saying? Oh. Why you little... [The combatants in the background begin to back closer to the Mads. GRIGNR: By your fetid soul, this plane, as all planes under the ball of fire, shall be ridded of your heart of blackest tar!] PEARL: ...Little cheats...you miscreants... FORRESTER: [pointing out that the battle has backed up too far] Um, mother... PEARL: Not now! [SASHI nearing the Mads: I will put you under my command!] PEARL: [at the SoL crew] I'll see you in pain yet! I'll make you... [Sashi rams into her from behind, and the camera jostles sideways] Aaaaa! [SoL] MIKE: Uh...are you okay down there? Hello? Deep 13, come in? Well, guys, looks like they're having some difficulties down there. CROW: [mock-serious] Darn. GYPSY: So, anybody up for some pizza? [Exeunt.] [Deep 13. Shao Kahn comes in, viewed sideways through the downed camera.] SHAO KAHN: Sorry...forgot my keys...Umm... [He notices the general carnage. Shrugs, grabs his keys, then walks over and pushes the button.] \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ MST3K and all its characters, settings, situations, etc, are Copyright Best Brains. This MiSTing is not endorsed by Best Brains in any way shape or form, but, as always, feel free to distribute it! Just keep it and this annoying text intact. Mail me at SamusStar@aol.com, or at flower@bgnet.bgsu.edu. Yes, I am the Amanda Flowers that wrote those depressing Gargoyles fan-fictions. I like to hope they're not particularly MST-able. Many thanks due first and foremost to TurtleNinja, who allowed me to make this great scar on her epic story... Many thanks also to those of you who enjoyed and distributed my original MSTing of the "Mortal Kombat Crossover" and gave me the confidence to tackle something like this! Many thanks to Adam Cadre, whose Fwshhhh I stole, again, and also to Jim Theis from whom I borrowed Grignr... I do rip a bit into a couple other classics in this MSTing, so thanks to Ratliff and Gonterman as well. Thanks to Matthew Blackwell,who provided a goodly amount of these riffs as well as E-mailed me reminding me this MSTie still existed. (Sorry, I know it would have been really really cool to have Gypsy save the bots by EATING them, but it just didn't work in print.) And thanks to the people that made MST3K to begin with; we love you guys! >The starship had no name, and badly needed one. TN immediately thought >of a name for it, since it was going to be her ship. She called it the >TurtleNinja, honoring all of us.