Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: The Field Trip By Stephen B. Ratliff Misting by: Matt Blackwell, Dean Carrano, Bill Livingston, Michael Neylon, Tom Salyers, and Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen [The door sequence runs. As Cambot zooms back to show the dogbone falling, Mike Nelson, the lone human occupant of the Satellite leans into view from the right side of the screen.] Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love... [Mike is interrupted as Tom Servo and Crow T Robot enter the bridge, singing. Both are dressed in Christmas attire. Tom wears a gray cap, a red scarf, and mittens, while Crow wears a plaid scarf and a top hat.] Bots: o/~ Here we come a wassailing, et cetera, et cetera... o/~ Crow: Give us your wassail, if you please, sir! Mike: Uh, wassail? I'm pretty sure that I'm fresh out of wassail. Tom: Aw, you're no fun. Man! Mike: Come on, it's July! Crow: I know, but where's the challenge of wassailing at Christmas? The place is lousy with wassails! Take two steps and wham! You smash your foot on tons of the lousy stuff! Mike: Wait a minute. We've already done this sketch. Crow: What? We have not! Mike: Yes we have! In a minute you try to scam me out of my debit card and PIN number! Besides, its December, not July. Tom: Well then, why'd you tell us it's July then? Mike: Because. . . I don't know. I guess it's because I lose all track of time up here. Maybe if there were Christmas decorations up here or something... Crow: You mean, like those? [Cambot pans back, to reveal that Christmas decorations have sprung up around the bridge. Mike jumps back, in surprise.] Mike: Ah! Where did...? Oh, never mind. Look, we can't do that sketch. It would just be wrong. Tom: Oh all right. Crow and I will figure out something to do, but we need time! [The commercial sign begins to flash.] Mike: Do some brainstorming during the commercials. [To the camera] We'll be right back. [Mike hits the light, and the bots begin to discuss their ideas.] Tom: [V.O.] We could convince Lisa Loeb to come to the Satellite and sing... Crow: [V.O.] Nah. She's a has-been. We could build a robot to give to Mike. Tom: [V.O.] Ooh! How about we pretend that we're Secret Service Agents and try to protect Mike... [Commercials.] [Back on the SOL Bridge. Mike and Gypsy are at the console, playing a game of Life. Crow and Tom are nowhere in sight. Mike looks up at the camera.] Gypsy: Two...three...four! Okay! "You join a improvisational theater troupe. Move forward 3 spaces." Mike: Really? Huh. They must have changed the game since I played it last. [Tom and Crow enter.] Mike: Hi guys. Have you decided what you're going to do now? Tom: Well, I had planned to drag out some of the other guy's home movies that he'd converted to video, but Crow reacted poorly to that idea. So, we decided to sing a Christmas Carol. Crow: That's right! But don't call it a Carol, as Carol is a girl's name, and we want this song to be all-inclusive! Mike: Does it end with "Christmas comes just once a year, so for a few days, for crying out loud, can't we all just get along?" Crow: Wow. Tom: Good guess, Mike! Mike: It's been done. Crow: Darn. Well then, I guess that we'll have to resort to our backup plan of tossing you out of the airlock. [The Castle light begins to flash.] Mike: Let's see what the Pep Boys want from us first. [He hits the light. The scene shifts to...Deep 13, where a tall, bespectacled man in a Wince-Green labcoat and the the kind of hairstyle you can only get from either a good hefty bolt of lightning or from drinking a vat of Jolt! Cola cackles maniacally at the SoL's crew.] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Not even your puerile antics can ruin my good mood today, Mike Nelson of the North! [SoL] All : DOCTOR FORRESTER?!? [Deep 13] Dr. F: [Continuing, as if nothing had happened]You see, I've decided to go for the jugular with today's experiment. Remember "Enterprized," hmmm? Remember "A Gul's Revenge? Well, my sources have dredged up another shipwreck of a fanfic from that master of disaster, Stephen Ratliff! [SoL] Mike: Doc? It's all nice and everything seeing you again - I mean, with you having died and all - but are you planning on showing us "Away From Home"? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Why, yes Nelstor. How'd you guess? [SoL] Mike: Well, you've given us that spiel before... Crow: In fact, we've told you that we've seen a piece that you were about to give us before. I think that you... ended...up...giving...us... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Mike: Crow? Tom: What did he give us? Oh no! It was Time... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Mike: As you can see, we've already read it! Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hrmph. Give me a moment, Nanook. I'll be back in a second with something more suitable. [The connection with Deep 13 ends.] [SoL] Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike: Knock it off! He's not going to show us *that* story again. He's not evil enough to do that to us. I hope. [The mad light begins to flash again.] Mike: [Sigh] Let's see what we're being sentenced to this time... [Mike hits the lights, and the scene shifts to... Castle Forrester.] [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Hello, Mike. Robot Pals. [SoL] All : PEARL? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [Clearly confused] Yes, Pearl Forrester- the person who's always at the end of this line, remember? I send you bad movies and fanfic to torment you? And speaking of bad fanfic, have I got a doozy for you today! [SoL] Crow: Pearl? This may be an odd question, but is there anything strange going on down there right now? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Why no, Art. The only thing remotely strange is that Bobo's tick bath isn't taking as long as it usually does. Observer: [O.S.] How in the name of creation did you get *that* stuck in your fur? Bobo: [O.S.] It just kind of happened! I don't know how! [SoL] Tom: Well, is, er, Sherwood there for a visit? [Castle Forrester] Pearl: [Darkly] Sherwood? No. I haven't seen him in months. Why do you ask? [SoL] Mike: Oh, no real reason. We were just curious. [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Oh. Anyway, we've got a doozy today. It's a remake of a story from one of your favorite authors, the lovely and painful Stephen Ratliff. [SoL] Mike: Let me guess, it's a rewrite of "Away From Home?" [Castle Forrester] Pearl: No, it’s a rewrite of - uh, yeah. Actually, it's only a rewrite of the first part. It's called "The Field Trip" and it features everyone’s favorite megalomaniacal teenager in a fight for her life against an alien horde, along with the usual gang of idiots - Jay "Weenie-Boy" Gordon, Alexander, Clara Sutter, et cetera. Plus, special guest stars include the works of Bernie Taupin and Elton John, and a certain cult hero of yours. I'll see you after the story - if your mind doesn't explode. Bobo: [OS] C’mon, you gotta! Observer: [OS] No! I refuse to apply *anything* to your - your - your – [SoL] [The Movie Sign begins to flash.] All: AHHH!!! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the lights, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Mike, Crow, and Tom enter and sit down.] Crow: Wow. Weird things are afoot at the Circle K, eh Tommy? Tom: Yep. >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip [G] 0/9 (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 05 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT Crow: Great - the mere mention of Stephen’s name stopped all the clocks! >Message-ID: <71ra5p$q1r@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Title: The Field Trip Tom: I'm tripping! I'm tripping!!! Mike: Don't worry, little buddy, I'll talk you down... >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) All: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Rating: [G] >Codes: >Part: REV 1/1 > Tom: Revelations 1:1? Mike: Well, this *is* the beginning of the Apocalypse, so it's appropriate. >Version: 2.0 > Crow: I hope he fixed that annoying bug where if you mention "isosceles"- [The sound of "Sproing!" followed by a loud "Splat!" can be heard as Crow is catapulted out of his chair, and into the wall of the theater. Tom and Mike turn to watch as Crow crawls back to his chair.] Crow: [muffled] Ow. I guess he didn't. >This is a work of fiction, any relation to real people, events, >or places are a product of the author's imagination. > Crow: Yeah, like anyone would think a Marrissa story was based on reality. Tom: Don't let this happen to you. Don't mix disclaimers. Thank I, won't you? >Disclaimer: >Star Trek and its environment, Tom: Outer Space? > and inhabitants are property of >the great and powerful Paramount. Crow: [Booming Bass] I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL PARAMOUNT!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT DESILU BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!! > The lowly author is merely >borrowing them between episodes and seasons. He hopes to return >them all the better for their journey. Tom: In other words, he's going to hit the reset button. > The story is his. > Tom: And yet we've wound up with it for the second time! Crow: So why doesn't the universe just kill us and be done with it? Mike: I have a feeling the universe & Pearl are in cahoots. >Author's Forward > Mike: Actually, the author is only a bit forward. More like off to the side an inch or two. >I've decided to split up Away From Home. Tom: All the love had gone out of the marriage. It's better for the kids this way. > As I do this, the first >part of Away From Home, which is known as The Field Trip is being >revised. Mike: I thought we were reading the first part now. Crow: This must've been some attempt to warn us that never got through. > The other parts may also be revised at a later date, >but for now, the first part is enough. Tom: *More* than enough, in fact! Crow: No kidding. > You'll notice that though >the Prologue and Chapter One are very close to the original >version, but from then on, things change. > Crow: That must be the chapter when the line dancing weasels appear, and when Picard gets turned into a large lemur. Tom: No, that's when Marrissa resigns from Star Fleet and begins writing Tom Clancy-esque technothrillers? Crow: Nonono, she gets appointed head of the Federal Reserve Board and lowers the prime interest rate to 3.5%, ushering in an era of moderate but refreshing growth. Mike: Maybe she'll just get acne, study for her tests, go to the prom and act like a real teenager. Tom: C'mon, Mike, try to keep it realistic, okay? >Why am I doing this? Mike: That's a question we've asked ourselves many a time. > Well I think I can do a better job. Tom: I think Akiva Goldsman could do a better job!!! > It's >been 3 years since I first posted the Away From Home trilogy. Tom: o/~ 5 days since you riffed on me. I still have the postings on my HD. o/~ Crow: o/~ It's been three days since the afternoon, I realized that I shouldn't write about showtunes. o/~ Mike: o/~ Yesterday, it just dawned on me, I really, really, really, really, really shouldn't have posted Time Speeder. o/~ > In >that time I've taken a class on creative fiction writing, Mike: [Stephen] Which reminds me, I really should send a bouquet to poor Mr. Jergenson at the state home. > written >over a dozen other works, and refined my technics. All: Tom: There! There is the line that defines Stephen Ratliff! > Now lets see >if all that work was worth it. > Mike: Too easy. Tom: Are you going to let that stop you? Mike: You're right. All: IT WASN'T! >Let's journey back in time to the beginning of Marrissa's >Adventures. Crow: Back when Marrissa was just a struggling young art student, not yet the swashbuckling telephone sanitizer she'd one day become. > Back when she was just the daughter of two security >officers, Tom: Shh! Don't warn them that the horrible spectre of death will be bearing down upon them soon! > and had just been nicknamed "Number One" by the >Captain. Mike: Ah, the sweet innocent days of "The Next Generation"'s 1st season. Before Tasha got eaten by an oil slick, before the Warp Five Speed Limit, and long, long, before Neelix. Crow: So, this story takes place inside that turbolift then? > Before her first command, Tom: Wow, while she was still in the maternity ward of the hospital? > before all her adventures in >the center seat of the Enterprise ... > Crow: Soon we'll see Marrissa take over the preschool playground! Tom: [as Hollywood Squares contestant] Ummm, I'll take Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber Flores Flying Buttress Picard, to block... Mike: [Sigh] So, we *are* going to see Stephen Ratliff's Marrissa Babies then. >Stephen Ratliff > > >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 Crow: Virginia. Home to Washington. Jefferson. Lee. Wilson. And now - Ratliff. >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"Put down the pencil. Put down the pencil, Mr. Russell." > -- Dr. Wychoff, DS9's Shadows and Symbols > Mike: [Dr. Wychoff] C'mon, put it down. Put it down. Put it down! OW! My eye! > >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip [G] 1/9 (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 05 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <71ra7e$q1r@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) Crow: Mike, how many rats could Ratliff liff if Ratliff could liff rats? Mike: Pass. >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 1/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: > > >101374 Mike: Oh my God... this is his 101374th story?!? Crow: Nah, it means something else. Mike: What? Crow: Uh... sorry, no idea. >Prologue > >Personal Log >Marrissa A. Flores Crow: Wow, it just looks so insignificant without all the, ahem, "well deserved" titles. >STARDATE 45924 > Crow: Hey, let's Kibo the first paragraph! Mike: Well, we haven't done that for a while. Why not? Tom: You start, Mike. > My mom suggested that I start keeping this log as a way to Mike: work out my megalomania issues. I guess I'll find some other way to >express my hopes and dreams and to record my day like I use to Tom: carve into the walls. But if I destroy any lives, mom wants me to >tell her. Mom's been too busy since Lieutenant Worf gave her a Crow: teddy he bought at Victoria's Secret. He says it's for her "special" >new assignment. Crow: Well, that was fun. Mike: But tiring. Let's just move on. Tom: Wait! One more riff! [Marrissa's mom] Honey, be a dear and write down your feelings, would you? I'll read them later. That should take the place of conversation and face-to-face quality time. > I think I should begin with who I am. Crow: [Marrissa] Since I need to provide some exposition. > I'm ten years old and >I live on the starship Enterprise. I'm an B student for the most >part. All : Gasp! Mike: The Chosen One is *only* a B student? Tom: Scandalous! Crow: Ah, she's probably slacking off 'cause she's not challenged in class. Tom: Then again, with sentences like "I'm an B student," I'm surprised she doesn't have *a* D average. > My only problem in school is Alien Language. I just can't >grasp them. Mike: [Marrissa] Why they all can't speak English in the first place, I'll never understand... Crow: [Marrissa] And Alien Biology. I keep burning off fingers with that alien blood. > I like school on the Enterprise, with one exception. Tom: [Marrissa] I don't feel like I have enough of a stranglehold on these crewmembers. >It's not the subject matter, nor the teacher (although my >classmates say that Lieutenant Allen was Dead on Arrival), Tom: Ah! The rarely-seen "Hold you down and bludgeon you with it" school of foreshadowing. Nice. > but >the other students in Computing Fundamentals. Mike: [Marrissa] All of my problems are other peoples' fault! Stupid other people! > Comp Fun is All : Fundamental! >generally taught on an interest basis to eight-year-olds, Mike: Basically, they learn how to download porn from the Internet. > but >there wasn't enough interest in the past two years, so I had to >wait. Tom: She should've just rolled over her investments into high-risk CD's. That would've given her a higher rate of interest. > My problem with my classmates is they don't seem to want to >learn. Tom: [Marrissa] I, on the other hand, realize how important knowledge is to a future Evil Overlord. Crow: I get the feeling that Marrissa also reminds her teacher when the class almost misses a quiz. > Jay and Alexander are always getting caught playing video >games in class. Bots: The future is foresaken. The future is foresaken. The future is foresaken. The future is fo- Mike: Thank you, that's enough. > Shayna plays practical jokes on everyone. Tom: Ooh, more subtle foreshadowing. I'm impressed. > At >least Clara appears to be studying in class ... although I don't >think it's always Comp Fun. Mike: Oh, how dare she do her Quantum Physics homework in Comp Fun! > Tomorrow we're going on a Field Trip to the Daystorm >Institute for Computer Science. Mike: And we have a title! Tom: [Marrissa] The day after that, we're going to the Nightstorm Institute for Spelling. > It's nothing we can't see on >the Holodeck, Mike: [Marrissa] So the obvious thing to do is waste dilithium crystals and weaken the Federation's defenses by having the Enterprise take us to the Daystrom Institute. > but Clara at least thinks it will be interesting. > Crow: [Clara] I sense doom and danger... Ooh! And strawberry pop-tarts! >Close Personal Log. > Crow: And - All: Flush! Crow: Am I becoming predictable? Tom: A tad. >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"Put down the pencil. Put down the pencil, Mr. Russell." > -- Dr. Wychoff, DS9's Shadows and Symbols Tom: Put down that pencil and sing, sing, SING! > > >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 2/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 11 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <72cibf$lqu@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #0 >Parts: NEW 2/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: > >Note: This story is being serialized, posting on Wednesday and >Saturday. Crow: Unless the previous Tuesday was a prime integer, in which case it will be Monday and Thursday, except in months with "R"'s, when it will be Sundays, Fridays, and dates evenly divisible by 5. > >101374 Mike: He sure has a short Social Security number. Crow: Or a long area code. >Chapter One > Mike: The Phantom Menace! > Marrissa was the last to arrive for the field trip. Tom: [Marrissa] I'm sure you mere mortals didn't mind waiting while I took a long, relaxing bubble bath. Porter! Start loading my 48 parcels of beauty supplies into the shuttle! >Lieutenant Allen was standing by the shuttle's rear door. Mike: He's trying to give the rear door "more power". > "Glad >you could make it, Marrissa," he said. "Please take a seat." Tom: Under that suspended piano, preferably. >Marrissa took the remaining seat. Mike: Lieutenant Allen then put the stripped shuttlecraft on cinder blocks, and they all made a run for it! > As she sat down, a whoopee >cushion made it's incriminating sound. Tom: J'Accuse! Crow: Marrissa's going to have someone flogged to death for that. > Everyone laughed, Mike: Except for that sourpuss, Alan Dershowitz. > and >Marrissa glared at Shayna Crow: [Marrissa] Damn, have to start a new page on the enemies list...[as if writing] "Shay-na". > and handed the whoopee cushion to Lt. >Allen as he passed by. Mike: Then an enraged Whoopi stormed the shuttle to retrieve her cushion. Tom: First rule of life on the Enterprise: Never Annoy Guinan! Mike: Or make fun of the Squares. > As he reached the cockpit he turned and said, "Behave on >this trip or there won't be any more." Crow: Any more what? Whoopee cushions? Tom: [Allen] Oh, and in the event of an emergency, you can suffocate yourselves with the plastic bags that will drop from the ceiling, because I've got the only parachute and your seats will plummet straight to the bottom of the ocean floor in the event of a water landing. > He turned back into the >cockpit and sat down in the Co-Pilot seat Tom: [Co-Pilot] Hey, I'm sitting here! > ... on a whoopee >cushion. Crow: I'm sensing a motif, here. > The Lieutenant looked up at the ceiling and shook his >head, Tom: I'll get you, you crazy kids! And your mangy dog, too! > while removing the offending item. Mike: [Marrissa] Sir! Put your pants back on! There's kids here! Tom: [Shayna] Hold on a minute, Marrissa...I like what I see! > Ensign Throwaway entered the shuttle [All cheer] All: Throw-a-WAY! Throw-a-WAY! Throw-a-WAY!!!! Crow: Wow, can't believe he's alive again. Mike: [cheerfully as Throwaway]: I look forward to a long and successful life in Starfleet, sir! > and sat down. [pause] Crow: No whoopee cushion? Mike: Lt. Allen must've been serious about that! > The rear >of the shuttle closed and Lt. Allen said, Tom: "I'm going to marry my daughter". > "Shuttle April to >bridge, Tom: [singing] Though Shuttle April may come your way, it brings the flowers, that bloom in the MAAAAAAAY!!! > Request permission depart for Archer IV from Shuttle bay >Two." Tom: Of course, without saying it through the communicator, he Only made himself look like a dummy. > "Bridge to Shuttle April," Commander Riker's voice >said. Tom: Not Commander Riker, only the ethereal, disembodied voice of Commander Riker. Crow: [Riker] Shouldn't you be calling the flight control center? > "Permission granted, now relaying departure coordinates." Mike: Departure coordinates: Right here! Arrival coordinates, still unknown. > "Coordinates received," Ensign Throwaway announced. "Shuttle >bay doors opening." Crow: [Throwaway] Ensign Barclay now floating adrift in the middle of space. > "Depart when ready, Bridge out." > "Leaving shuttle bay 2 now, April out," Lt. Allen said. Crow: So stop talking about it and leave already! Sheesh! Tom: [Professorial voice] April is the cruelest shuttle, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire... > The shuttle moved out of the shuttle bay, between the warp >engines. It turned right and slightly up and went in to warp. > Crow: Running into the port warp nacelle. Mike: Oh, the humanity! >Personal Log >Marrissa Flores >In route to Archer IV Crow: That's a superhero team consisting of Green Arrow, Hawkeye, Robin Hood and William Tell. > I really wish Shayna would stop those practical jokes. Mike: [Marrissa] Really, how many blooper reels can they pull out of this? > I >really hate them. Crow: [Marrissa] She'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. > That will probably only happen in my dreams, >of course. Tom: Wait, does that mean the practical jokes will only happen in her dreams, or that she's only hate them in her dreams? > I think my hopes and dreams were the next things I was >planing to write about. Mike: [Marrissa] I see a galaxy-wide empire with my picture in every corner, and planets with "I WAS CONQUERED BY A BUNCH OF KIDS" burned across their continental shelves! Crow: She can't write until she performs her basic carpentry duties? > When I was little, I use to want to be a >Princess. Tom: [Marrissa] Thena I can hire people to prrofread forme. Mike: Y'know, in most stories, that would remain a childish fantasy. > It is my Dad's nickname for me. Crow: That and "bitch puppy". > Of course you have to >be born a Princess, and even though my Mom calls Dad her "Prince >Charming," I don't think Dad's a Prince. Crow: [Marrissa] He's more a George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. > He's too much of a >rough and ready man for that. Tom: Her father is Zachary Taylor? > Princes are supposed to be >handsome, always dashing to the fair maiden's defense. Mike: Then they dash off to the King to see if he's dead yet. Tom: And they're always changing their names changed to "Seahorse Trumpet Thingy" and singing in that whiny high-pitched tone. > They're >supposed to dress well, talk well, and be above petty squabbles. Crow: Well, Marrissa seems to be getting an F in history, too. >Dad isn't. Mike: [Marrissa] He's just so - mortal and stuff! > My teachers think I'd be a good Scientist. Mike: Not just a scientist, a *Scientist.* Crow: Maybe scientists have been elevated to god status. Tom: Well, Science! Is a M/VH skill... > I probably could >be, if I gave up my other activities and devoted a lifetime of >study to it. Tom: A lifetime of monkish devotion to watching quantum particles zip around randomly and trying to make sense of their patterns? Sounds like fun to me! > I'm not ready to do that yet. I have too much fun >going camping, riding horses, and playing the piano. Crow: And she does them all at the same time! Tom: [Marrissa] As well as plotting for total control over the Alpha Quadrant. Mike: Guys, I think we're just a bit before Marrissa's power quest, here.... > Not that science isn't fun, and I've done some fun things as >a result of my interest in it. Tom: Her "Spontaneous Combustion in Anti-Matter Warp Drives" demo was a real hoot! Mike: And I kinda liked when she put that cherry photon torpedo in the waste disposal system. > Like the tour with the Captain. Crow: Stubing? Mike: You know, I can't really picture Marrissa chatting it up with Gopher. Tom: [Marrissa] Those six hours that I spent scrubbing the Intermix Chamber with a toothbrush were the happiest hours of my life! >I know a tour given by Captain Picard is not exactly known as a >fun event. Tom: Don't EVER get him started with his photo album! Mike: And remember to wear the sunglasses, and never, ever, look directly at his head. > He is known for being uncomfortable around children. Crow: [Marrissa] Which is why he talked to us through a communicator and always kept a good fifty feet away at all times. >And the first try at the tour wasn't exactly a success. He was >obviously unsure about how to deal with us, but after my science >project hit, Mike: [Casey Kasem] And now, climbing to the top of the charts..."Distribution and Movement of Quantum Filaments." > he got the idea to make us officers. Tom: See?!? She *planned* that whole thing! She set it up herself! Crow: I always suspected. > This gave him >a role that he knew how to deal with us though. Mike: Because as we all know, without a Starfleet rank you're lower than dirt. Crow: [Marrissa] He was the naughty French milkmaid and we were the German paratroopers. > I'd say that he learnt quite a bit by the time the second >time the tour was attempted. We visited the Battle Bridge, the >Torpedo Bay, Crow: [Picard] Anyone want to volunteer to show how we fire a torpedo? Mike: [Jay] Aww! We've seen that! Crow: [Picard] From the inside of the tube? Mike: [Jay] Cool! > and he even had Commander La Forge show us the >dilithium crystals. Crow: [Marrissa] They put us right in the chamber with them, with no shielding or anything! Mike: [LaForge] Touch them, kids! You might lose a finger due to radiation poisoning! Bots: Cooool! > But for me the highlight was the visit to >Stellar Cartography. While working on my science project, >"Distribution and Movement of Quantum Filaments," Crow: Wha? Mike: I think that has to do with how dustbunnies get under the coach. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, a 10-year-old "B" student! > I had used many >3-D projections of the location of the known Filaments. However >none of them where like Stellar Cartography. Tom: Where Stellar Cartography? There Stellar Cartography. There pips. There wolf. > That display made >mine look like preschool scribble. > Crow: Yeah, in my preschool scribble, I had only solved the most basic paradoxes of string theory. > The shuttlecraft shook, jolting Marrissa out of her writing. Tom: It's a shame that the entire state of Virginia isn't shaken by violent earthquakes at least four times a day, isn't it? >Over the speaker came the announcement, "Heave to and prepare to >be boarded." Tom: Or just heave and prepare to be bored. Crow: They've flown into the Pirates of the Caribbean ride! > The transmission was filled with static and sounded >old, almost as if the broadcaster had recorded it from an old >Earth pirate movie. Tom: It went on to say "And furthermore, I be not afraid of ye, Blind Pew" and just got confusing from there. > Lieutenant Allen took the shuttle out of warp, Mike: Then he hosted the _Tonight Show_, wrote several books, and invented the Pog. > diving into a >nearby planetary system. Crow: Then he parks behind a billboard, and when the Trakce pass, he peels out and heads for the state line! > There was no time to send a distress >signal, as the red stylized batwing vessel pursued. Tom: And now, a crossover with the 1950's Batman. Crow: Bat Mite, Ace the Bat Hound, Flamebird and Nightwing are onboard that plane, I just know it. > His co-pilot >struggled to keep the necessary systems working as the enemy >pounded on the small craft. Mike: [muffled, as if from outside] Open up! We just want to give you a complementary copy of "The Watchtower"! > It dodged left and right the purple >phaser bolts of the enemy vessel. Tom: Then without warning, their active verb fell off! > As it neared the planet the >enemy scored an glancing shot on the impulse engine. Mike: [Ray Stevens] I hollered, "DON'T LOOK, ETHEL!" but ituz too late - he done glanced at her, right thar on th'impulse engine! > "Lieutenant, I've lost helm control," Ensign Throwaway >announced. "We are going to crash land." Tom: Hey, guys, here it comes - Throwaway's big chance! Mike: Maybe this time he can break the Ratliff Curse! Crow: C'mon, Ensign Throwaway, you're the dude! > Back in the cabin Mike: Abraham Lincoln was born. > panic reigned. Then into the chaos the >shy Marrissa's voice rang out. Tom: Which Marrissa is that?!? Crow: I don't think we've seen that particular version before. > "Take your seats. Mike: [as Marrissa] Please bring your seats to their upright position, and put away your tray tables. > If you sit >down, turn around and shut up then we will get though this." Crow: [Marrissa] If you don't, I'll kill you. Mike: The "shy" Marrissa, ladies and gentlemen. > Meanwhile in the cockpit things were improving. Crow: Throwaway's got it goin' on!!! Tom: Coming soon: "Star Trek: The Throwaway Generation"!! > "I'm >regaining helm control," Ensign Throwaway announced. All: THROWAWAY! THROWAWAY! HE'S OUR MAN! Mike: You go, Throwaway! Way to mysteriously repair the navigational system! Crow: [sharply] Are you questioning Throwaway's omnipotence? > Then all >the sudden things got much worse. Mike: [Throwaway] Oh, no! The IRS! Tom: No! It couldn't be! Crow: [desperately] There's still a chance that he kept Throwaway alive! > A purple bolt hit the shuttle >sending a pulse of electricity shot thought the hull hitting the >Star Fleet officers. Mike: Ah, the highly selective Starfleet Officer Electrocution Bolt! Bots: NO! Tom: Wait, maybe he survived the blast! > They slumped over the console, dead. > [pause] Crow: Well, Throwy whiffed it again! Mike: So...all the adults are dead? Wow! That came totally out of left field! > >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"Put down the pencil. Put down the pencil, Mr. Russell." > -- Dr. Wychoff, DS9's Shadows and Symbols Crow & Mike: Shadows and Symbols and Wychoff - oh my! Shadows and Symbols and Wychoff - oh my! Tom: Never mind that, you guys - it’s time for the service. Mike: Service? Tom: Let’s go. Crow: Now what? Mike: Y’got me - let’s go see. [All exit] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [SoL - Mike & the bots are gathered around the console. The bridge is dark, save for a framed picture, illuminated by a single spotlight, of a faceless mannequin dressed in a Starfleet uniform. Gypsy has a black veil over her eye, Mike is wearing a black jumpsuit, and Crow is in his suit with his "hair" slicked back. Tom, dressed in a black robe, steps up to the podium.] Tom : Friends, Romans, Countrymen. We are gathered here today to join this man and this wom- D'oh! No, wait. Crow: Um, Tom? Tom : Yeah? Crow: I think we've already done this one. Tom : Really? Are you sure? Mike: Yeah. Crow's right. We've done this one before. Remember? We end up singing "Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff". Tom : Oh yeah. Now I remember. Well, what then? Mike: Hang on, I've got an idea. [Mike coughs and begins to speak again.] Mike: Hi folks. Well, we *were* all set to have ourselves a good time right about now, a little bright and cheerful moment to help get us through the rest of the fanfic. We had a mariachi band lined up, there was going to be singing, dancing and laughter... but then we had to sit through one of the most unrelentingly depressing chapters that Ratliff ever wrote, and now we just can't get in the mood to celebrate. Tom : [glumly] Thanks a *lot*, Ratliff. Crow: Er, Mike? Mike: So, at the last minute and at great expense, we decided to set up our own little memorial service so we can work through our own feelings about the deaths of Ensign Throwaway and Lt. Allen. Crow: Er, Mike? [Mike stops talking.] We've done this one too. We end up tossing ashes out the Satellite. Then we find out that Ratliff's dead. Remember? Mike: Oh, that's right. [pause] Well, we have to do something. Crow: I think Servo and I can whip something up. Mike, could you go over there? Mike: Oh sure. [Mike walks over to a chair in front of the command console. We see the shadowy forms of the bots moving about. After a moment or two, only one silhouette remains.] Crow: Great. Okay, lights! [The lights go on and we see Crow standing behind the control console. He stares pensively off into the distance. After a moment, Servo enters, wearing a brunette wig.] Tom: Honey, do you have a busy day planned today? [Crow doesn't turn to look at Tom. He speaks in a distracted manner.] Crow: No, I just have to ferry some kids to the Daystrom Institute on Archer IV. It should be a piece of Rigellian star-cake. Tom: Well, take care. Remember to stay away from the Spican spice wine. It gives you hives. And avoid any alien races wearing ribbons and... [pause] Throwaway? Are you okay? Crow: Hmm? Oh yes. I was just thinking. Tom: What about? [Crow continues to stare off into the distance. All is silent for a moment, then he speaks.] Crow: Do you know what today is? Back on Earth? [Tom shakes his head 'no.'] Crow: It's Sunday. When I was a kid, every Sunday, my Dad would take all of us out for a drive on Sunday. He never told us where we were going. He just had us point in a direction, and off we'd go. [Crow continues to stare for a moment longer, then turns to look at Tom.] Crow: Why, you're all dressed up! [Tom's voice is on the verge of breaking.] Tom: Of course I am. It's Sunday. People dress up on Sunday. [Crow and Tom, both crying, rush to embrace each other. This proves to be a bit difficult due to their lack of functioning limbs, but they fake it well. As they embrace, Gypsy, dressed in an environment suit, enters.] Gypsy: And so, it begins. [The bots ignore her.] Gypsy: Understanding is a three-edged sword. [The bots squirm uncomfortably about.] Gypsy: If you go to Francis Cole'ma'dum, you will die. Tom: Gypsy! Crow: Aw, you just ruined the entire scene! [Mike stands and walks over to the bots.] Mike: It's okay, guys. I don't think that you could have gone much further with that one anyway. [The lights begin to flash.] But it doesn't matter, because we've got Ratliff sign! [Mike hits the light, the bots rush about. The door sequence again.] Gypsy: Ratliff has always been here. [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [The three enter.] Mike: I don't think I'll ever understand that sketch. Tom: You'll have to watch for at least a few seasons to understand, Mike. >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 3/9 >Date: 14 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <72kng5$gib@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 3/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >101374 Tom: Hey, a lottery! Mike: You guys sure have recovered from the psychological trauma of the last chapter. Crow: We cleaned out our short-term emotional memory banks, heightened our threshold of depression, and thought happy thoughts. Tom: And we had a few motor oil daiquiris. >Chapter Two > Mike: Well? Crow: Why not? All : Your Sister is a Werewolf! > In the Cabin of the Shuttle April, Shayna noticed the crew's >death and swore. Mike: [Shayna] Felgercarb! Shazbot! Mebs! Grozit! Crow: [Shayna] I will avenge Lt. Throwaway's death! I swear! Tom: [Shayna] I did not have sexual relations with that woman! > Clara fainted. Mike: Her corset was too tight. > The boys were silent, Crow: They were extras. > their eyes >staring blankly at the two officers slumped over the console. Tom: Oh my God! You killed Lt. Throwaway! Crow: You bastards! Mike: Say hi to Chris Gleason for us, Throwie! > "We are going to die," Jay moaned. > "No, you are not," Marrissa said, calmly yet loudly. Mike: [Marrissa] Well not *immediately*. At the angle we're approaching, most likely we will be thrown from the shuttle on impact, leaving us paralyzed and easy prey for scavengers. >"Jay what was the name of the game that the teacher took from you >last week?" Tom: [Jay] "Tomb Raider CXXVI", with special holographic Lara Croft plug-in. > "Shuttle Disasters, Why?" Jay replied. Tom: Last week, on Plot Contrivance Playhouse... Mike: I bet next week, they'll be caught playing Time Travel Paradoxes. Crow: Nah. Ratliff doesn't write Voyager stuff. > "Take the helm," Marrissa said. "I saw your high score, >and I know you can land us safely. All: WHAT?!? Mike: That's like saying being good at "Mortal Kombat" qualifies you to be an assassin! Crow: Or saying that the CIA recruits its agents by seeing who's got the high score on "Spy Hunter." > Alexander from what I have >over heard you discussing with Jay, I think you would make a good >copilot for him. Mike: [Alexander] But all we ever talk about is the sociopolitical problems of the new theocracy of Roozleplook IV, and the size of Counselor Troi's br- Tom: [Marrissa] Are you arguing with me!?? Mike: [Alexander] Gulp! No, ma'am! Tom: [Marrissa] Good! Now get up there! [mumbling] 'Cause I'm not going to be the one going through that windshield. > Now snap to it." Mike [Alexander, with adolescent "breaking" voice]: Ummm...snapping right away, sir! Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the "shy" Marrissa. > Jay and Alex took off for the >cockpit. Tom: Unfortunately, they were stuck in a holding pattern before they could land. > "Shayna stop swearing, it's unladylike. Tom: [Marrissa] ...you bitch. > Try to revive >Clara." > Mike: And try to increase the power! [Crow makes R2-D2 noises] Mike: Hey, that's good! > In the cockpit, Jay and Alexander pushed the dead bodies >aside and took the controls. Crow: [Jay] Ewwwww, there's blood and EVERYTHING! > "We've entered the atmosphere. Alex >try to level us off," Jay ordered. Mike: [Alexander] Sorry, I left my belt sander on the Enterprise. > "I'll try to steer us down >safely." > "Angle of decent, cut to 60 degrees," Tom: Angle of indecent, cut all the way down to the navel. > Alexander said. "6 >thousand meters." Tom: [Alexander] We are successfully continuing to drop like a rock! > "Try to cut it to 30 by 3 thousand," Jay said as Marrissa >and Shayna entered the cockpit and removed Lt. Allen. Mike: [Marrissa] Sorry to intrude, but we just want to start dinner. Care to claim any part of him? Crow: [sniffling] Not funny, Mike. He was such a nice man... > "3 thousand meters, angle of decent 28 degrees," Alexander >said. Crow: [Marrissa] Alexander! Conform to orthodox moral standards! Now! > "Level us off at 15 hundred and begin looking for a landing >site," Jay said. Marrissa and Shayna returned to the cockpit to >remove Ensign Throwaway. [The bots sniff] Crow: Goodbye Ensign Throwaway!Tom: You were always our favorite! Mike: Thank goodness for the Hefty Cinch-Saks. Crow: Mike! Mike: [Shayna] We'll save him for tomorrow's luau! Tom: Mike, you may wish to stop it. Crow: Or else we might forget to turn the oxygen on tonight. > "Any suggestions for a landing site, Captain?" Tom: Um, the ground? > "Some place with a water source and burn-able vegetation >nearby, Trp[" All: Crow: What... the... *hell*... Tom: "Trp[?" Mike: How... but... Crow: I mean, the... and... Mike: The closest actual word from that possible keyboard combination is "gel." Tom: "Trp[?!" Crow: How did he manage to flub so badly? Even Ratliff couldn't misspell that badly. Hell, blind lemurs couldn't misspell that badly! Mike: Maybe his cat walked on the keyboard. Tom: [growing hysterical] "TRP[?!?!" Mike: [hugging Tom tightly] Shh! Calm down, honey. It'll all be over in about six chapters. Tom: [muffled, whimpering] Trp[... > Marrissa said. "Shayna you take the feet this >time." Tom: I guess this means he's been de-feeted, heheheh! Crow: Uck! Tom: Better than being disarmed, though. *snicker* Mike: Cut it out, Tom! Tom: C'mon, Mike, don't be like Throwaway and lose your head. BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Crow: Servo, I'm going to concentrate on Ratliff to block you out, okay? That's what it's come to. > As they began moving the Ensign back into the cabin she >continued. Crow: [hopefully] She continued? Throwaway came back to life and changed his sex? > "By the way Jay, when did I become Captain to you?" Mike: [Jay] When you shoved that phaser up my nostril and seized power. > "When you took command a few moments ago." Jay replied. > "That makes me captain?" Marrissa asked. Tom: I see now why Marrissa got along with President Clinton. > "The commander of any vessel has the right to be called >Captain," Jay replied. Mike: Ok, from now on, I insists you guys call me Captain Mike. [pause] Bots: [snicker!] Good one, Nelson! > "Alex height and angle of decent?" Mike: [Alexander] I'm about 130 cm and I don't think that I'm bawdy at all. Why do you ask? > "1613, 10 degrees," Alexander replied. Mike: So they fell about 5000 feet and pitched upwards 50 degrees in 7 seconds... That's about 71.5 feet per second, 7 degrees per second... 1613 feet left... aw pootertoots, they're going to level out with 20 seconds to spare! > "I will have to take command more often. That's one title I >like," Marrissa said. [All gasp in mock surprise] Mike: That's it! That's the spot where all the trouble began! Tom: Trust Jay to accidentally cause the heat death of the universe. > "Please land us as so as you find a spot. Mike: [Jay] Those are the things marked with an X, right? >It's easier to spot an moving shuttle than a hunk of metal on a >planet." Mike [Jay]: Yeah, but a nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. > "Now changing coarse, Tom: Becoming silky smoo... Mike: Don't, Tom. Ratliff obviously intended that one. It could be a trap. > bearing 256," Jay said. "I'm bringing >us down." > Crow: Just having Jay around would bring anyone down. Tom: Boy, it's a good thing that Jay was paying attention in Comp Fun class. After all, if he hadn't, then he wouldn't be able to use those really advanced computers that run the shuttle. Mike: Yep, good thing he studied. > The shuttle did not have a good landing. It was controlled, >somewhat, but that was all that could be said about it. Mike: [Confused author] So...ummm...I'll just move along then. > Jay >bounced the shuttle, once, twice, Crow: o/~ Three times a la-dy... o/~ > before making a long slide on >the beach. Tom: [Sports announcer] And the call at the plate - SAFE! SAFE! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! > The Shuttle came to rest with it's front end slightly >tipped into a shallow stream. Mike: Hey, you can lead a shuttlecraft to water *and* make it drink! > A splash of water came up, as they >stopped. > Mike: I think I've seen this before... Crow: Yep. "Planet of the Apes." Tom: "Generations." Crow: "Ringworld." Tom: "Dukes of Hazzard." > The cabin was quiet after the landing. The children looked >unharmed, if a little shaken. Tom: Not stirred. Crow: It's a Ratliff story. Nothing is stirring. > "Clara, hand me my tricorder," >Marrissa said. Clara handed Marrissa the instrument and Marrissa >scanned though the wall of the shuttle. Tom: [Marrissa] Okay, the atmosphere is mostly titanium with a lot of wires and things and--oh, poop. I forgot the depth thingy again. > "The atmosphere is breathable in fact it's almost perfect >outside. Open the door." Mike: [Monotone] Gosh. I sure hope that this planet is able to sustain life. Crow: [Monotone] Yes, it sure would be a stroke of luck if the planet that they've landed on just happens to be one of the small handful in the universe that can sustain human life. Tom: [Monotone] I sure hope that they're that lucky. > Shayna hit the code and the rear of the shuttle opened up. >Outside the sky was a clear blue. Tom: Shh! The sky has those colored Accuview lenses in! > The beach was of yellow sand. Crow: So their mysterious alien planet turns out to be Maui? >Off the beach there a lot of purple leafed trees. Tom: Yes, but can they see the forest through the trees? > In fact it was >a regular forest of purple. Mike: It's Julius Caesar's garden! Crow: Or the planet's been using Chlorophyll Light. > The ground cover was as thin bladed >grass greenish blue in color. Tom: [overwrought]: I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars, and the pismire is equally perfect, and a grain of sand, and the egg of the wren... Mike: [interrupting] Give it a rest, Tom. > Beyond the clear blue lake were >purple tree covered mountains. Mike: So, they've landed on the Clown Planet then. Crow: Ratliff must have one of those "Songs of America" CDs. Tom : Yep. We'll be seeing bombs bursting in air and Johnny marching home again soon. > Clara and Shayna stood admiring >the view. Crow: Chicks do seem to like that show. > "I hate to interrupt you, Crow: [Marrissa] But I haven't given any orders for two whole minutes. > but we better get ready to move >away from here," Marrissa said. Tom: [Marrissa] I've set the shuttle to self-destruct in 10 seconds. > "Unless you want to be captured. Mike: Hey, anything to avoid staying on the same planet with Marrissa until the rescue party comes. >Jay, find the communicators and distribute them. Alexander the >phasers. Tom: [Marrissa] Alexander the phasers...Robert the tricorders... Johnny the communicators...get to it, dammit! > Clara, I want 3 days meals for each of us in backpacks. Mike: Jack, you're in charge of hunting and gathering. Piggy, you take care of the conch. >Shayna ready all the booby trapping material you can find. Mike: [Shayna] So I should get out the motion-sensitive bras then? Crow: Say, if I could trap those, I'd never leave the woods! > I >want the shuttle trapped to annoy the guys who fired on us but >with stuff we can remove without harming ourselves." Tom: [Marrissa]: And since they're experienced soldiers with months of training, there's no possible way they could find out how to disarm crude booby-traps designed and built by 10-year-olds. Crow: "Annoying" booby traps, huh? I believe this is the beginning of our collision course with wackiness!! > "What will you be doing Captain?" Jay asked. Mike: [Marrissa] Bossing around the lot of you pathetic wimps, naturally. > "Getting out the survival gear, " Marrissa replied. "You'll >want something to sleep on tonight." Mike: So, were they planning on sleeping in midair before? > "What about Lt. Allen and the co-pilot?" Jay asked. Tom: [Marrissa] Hmmm...I guess if we put some blankets on top of them, it could work...might be a bit uncomfortable, of course... Crow: That's THROWAWAY! How could you forget the man that made such a sweeping impact on your life! > "Put them in body bags and hide them in the woods," Marrissa >said. Mike: Body bags: standard Federation equipment issue. Tom: Considering how many ensigns they go through normally, I'm not surprised! > "That is yours and Alex's next job. Thank you for >volunteering, Jay." > Crow [as Jay, sarcastically]: Thank *you* for demeaning me, Marrissa. Tom [as Marrissa, angrily]: What was that? Crow [sullenly]: Nothing. > An hour later, the children gathered in front of the >shuttle. Mike: [Marrissa] Jay! Get out here! Crow: [Jay] But I'm not finished watching this Joe Bob Briggs MonsterVision Marathon! > They all were loaded up with backpacks filled with the >shuttle's survival gear. Jay and Alex each had a phaser rifle. Mike: They've got official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model phaser rifles! >The girls all had a regular phaser. Mike: Paging Doctor Freud... Tom: Actually, they're just "Barbie Dream Phasers". > Each of them had a >tricorder, and a hand light attached to their waists. Tom: [TTTO "Willie and the Hand Jive"] Hand light, hand light, hand light, do that crazy hand light... Crow: You know, Voyager was written after "Enterprized" was first out there... do you think...? Mike: Please, no, Crow, let us NOT head down that train of thought! > A set of >four regular lantern style lights were tied to the outside of >Marrissa's bundle. Crow: [Jay] Here Marrissa, let me make sure that you're really well lit. We wouldn't want for anyone to not be able to shoot at... er, see you. > Despite the majority of the group's >inexperience, the bundles were well balanced, the result of much >fixing on Marrissa's part. Tom: At least, based on Marrissa's ideas of well-balanced. Mike: [Marrissa] I can't help you carry the hibachi, Jay! I've got this Q-tip to carry! Crow: [Marrissa] I had mastered bundle balancing by the time I left my crib...not to brag, of course... > "In order to avoid capture we will be finding a new >shelter," Marrissa began. Mike: [Marrissa] Let's try the homeless shelter down the street. > The detailed survey of this planet >tells me that this stream's source is a cave about three miles >from here. We will shelter there." Crow: Marrissa in Middle Earth? Mike: NO!!! > The five children then picked up their bags and headed >upstream into the forest. > Tom: Marrissa! Jay Gordon! Alexander! Shayna! Clara! in - "The Edge"! >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > Crow: We are the archives who say "Nu"! >"Put down the pencil. Put down the pencil, Mr. Russell." > -- Dr. Wychoff, DS9's Shadows and Symbols Tom: Put it down and back away slowly, Nipsey... >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 4/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 20 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT Tom: Gross Marrissa Tonnage. Mike: Ooh, ouch. >Message-ID: <734fmu$m1g@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 4/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a > >Warning: This chapter will cause you to get Disney Tunes stuck in >your head. All : Uh oh. Crow: Mike? He's not going to have them sing again, is he? Tom: o/~ What ain't he got? You know darn well! o/~ Crow: NOOOOOOO! Mike: There, there. I'm sure it's just an idle threat. > All tunes in this chapter are properity of Disney. > Mike: [Kirk] The Federation, of course, has three famous animation studios ... Disney, Warner, and Xanthbad of Rigel VII. >101374 Tom: Ratliff sees fanfics as a series of ones and zeroes. And threes. And sevens and fours. Can I do that one over? >Chapter Three > > In the stream, the five children walked toward it's source. Crow: What would be the source of an "it is" anyway? Mike: You know, every single one of Ratliff's English teachers must be locked up in a padded cell babbling nonsensically at this point. >Marrissa led the way, consulting her tricorder to make sure they >didn't get off track. Mike: And cracking her whip with deadly accuracy if they did! Tom: Marrissa can't follow a STREAM without help? > Jay Gordon was next. He attempted to Crow: Gain power by attaching himself to Marrissa. >watch both sides, Tom: However, he failed miserably and decided to just concentrate on the left. > swinging his phaser rifle to each side, as he >peered into the dense undergrowth of the forest. Mike: This segment brought to you by the NRA, which promotes gun safety at all times! > Clara was next, >absorbed in her PADD. Tom: Actually, the blue liquid just represents Clara. > She was not paying much attention to her >surroundings. Tom: And ran straight into a tree. Mike: *Thud!* Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree... Mike: *Thud!* Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree... Mike: *Thud!* Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree... > Instead Clara was designing devices to allow the >group to get early warning of their enemies. Tom: [Clara]: I call them "banana peels". Hee hee! > Shayna moved up the >stream next, a tad bored and definitely tiring. Mike: Sure, what 10 year old *wouldn't* be bored when all the adults around them have died, their shuttle has crash landed on a strange planet, and mysterious aliens will kill them on sight? > Alexander >brought up the rear, putting the little training he had to use as >the rear guard. Mike: His constant whines of "I don't wanna be a warrior" were scaring away the animals, and even causing some of the plants to wither. > "How much further," Shayna said with a yawn. All: Not long, my little Smurfs! > "Not much further, Shayna," Marrissa replied. Mike: [Shayna, whining] Can we stop for drinks? Pass the chips back here! I need to go to the bathroom again! Why can't we listen to my radio station? This sucks! I wanna go to Disneyland! > "It better not be," Clara said. > "Something wrong, Clara?" Marrissa asked. Mike: [Clara] I wanted to be Captain this time! Crow: [Marrissa] Are you challenging my dominance? > "I just don't like hiking though the jungle, in a stream, >with heavy loads on my back," Clara replied bitingly. Crow: [Clara] Can't we walk NEXT to the stream? Tom: [Marrissa] No! Now shut up! > "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight," >Jay sang. Tom: Here it comes... Mike: Hush, my darling. Be still, my darling. The lion's on the phone. > "There aren't any lions here, are there," Clara asked, with >a note of fear. Mike: [Marrissa] No Clara, Earth animals are exclusive to Earth. Well, except for Barry Sanders, but he's playing the Andor Colts this weekend. > "No, this planet lacks large predators," Marrissa said. Crow: [Jay] Is that why I keep trampling herbivores every third step? > "You are enjoying this, Marrissa, aren't you," Jay observed. Crow: [Jay] Especially when you use the bullwhip. > "My parents like to take camping trips when on leave," >Marrissa said. "I recommend Yellowstone and Yosemite on Earth >for camping. Crow: And if you look close enough, you can still spot one of Captain Kirk's stunt doubles clinging precariously to El Capitan. Mike: [Alexander] Thank you, Ms. Universal Fodor's travel guide...now can we get out of this flipping stream??? >What we need is a hiking song." Crow: Okay everyone! Start whistling! [The three begin to whistle the theme to "The Bridge on the River Kwai."] > "Don't you dare suggest 'The Laughing Vulcan and his Dog,'" >Jay said. Tom: Okay, then, how about "The Pensive Andorian and his Goldfish"? Mike: Or "The Grieving Ferengi and his Iguana"? Crow: Or "The Slightly Peckish Horta and his Pet Rock"? > "What about that song Jay began earlier," Shayna said. Mike: Here, I'll start you out. o/~ Hey! Who's that playing? Hey! The guitar? o/~ Tom: Mikey? Let's move on, shall we? > "Please no Disney," Clara said. Tom: Um, technically, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" wasn't Disney... Mike: It's a forlorn hope, guys. He's already warned us. Crow: All the light has gone out of the universe... > "What do have against Disney songs," Marrissa asked. Mike: Oh, nothing at all, when they're used in the proper setting... and a Marrissa story is NOT one of those! Tom: Anyway, it's not the songs so much as it is the royalties payments. > "Perhaps she dislikes their cheerful nature like," Jay >began. Crow: Uh oh. Jay's been driven insane by fear already. > "Supercalifragilisticexpeladous, You may think the sound >of it is something quite atrocious." Mike: Of course, if you say it loud enough, you'll all get halitosis. > "I was talking about the cartoons," Clara stated. > "Oh, then ones like," Alexander began, "Heigh-ho." Crow: No, that's how you greet Marrissa. Mike: Or Kermit the Frog. > "Heigh-ho," Jay responded, then together they continued. > Crow: Oh, dear sweet merciful creator in Heaven... Tom: He's really doing it. Stephen's going to make us listen to the Marrissa gang sing Disney songs. Mike: It was bound to happen sooner or later. Tom: Could be worse, gang. Marrissa could be singing songs from Marilyn Manson or Counting Crows. Mike: True, Tom. Very true. > To make your troubles go, Crow: Yes! Please! Tell me! I'll do anything! > Just keep singing all day long > Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, Tom: [Marrissa] Hi! Mike: Oh, stop it. > Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, Mike: [Flanders] Hi-diddly-ho, neighborooski! Tom: Hi, Guy! Crow: Hai-Keeba! > For if you're feeling low, Crow: Get lifts in your shoes. > You positively can't go wrong Crow: Something definitely wrong... I'm singing, but I still feel miserable! > With a heigh, heigh-ho, Tom: o/~ The Army's on the go! Count off the cadence loud and strong! o/~ > Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, Mike: I'm detecting a recurring theme of "heigh-ho" here. > It's home from work we go, Crow: Hey, Tom--how do you do that exploding head thing? Tom: Oh, sure...I tell you, and soon everyone's doing it. Just suck it up, fembot. > [whistle] Tom: I wonder if Ratliff's ever heard Tom Waits' version of this song? > Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, > Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, > All five in a row, Mike: Weren't there seven in the original? Tom: Doc and Sneezy got snuffed when they tried to go over to Dreamworks. > [whistle] > With a heigh, heigh-ho. > All: [a la the "Neon" ad] HI!!!! > "That's not my problem," Clara stated. Tom: Well, it's a BIG problem for me, pal. Mike: [Clara] I think I wasn't loved as a child. > "Then perhaps it's the sappy romantic songs," Jay suggested. > "Oh you mean like," Marrissa began, > Mike: [falsetto] o/~ NEEEEEEEEEEAR, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR, wher-EV-er you AAAAAAAAAAAARE... o/~ Tom: Stop that! Crow: [whimpers] > Tale as old as time. Crow: Back when the amoebas would sit down around the molten lava and tell each other scary stories. > Tune as old as song. Crow: o/~ Starfleet officers as old as "Rugrats." o/~ > Bittersweet and strange Mike: The new rhubarb-flavored Starburst. > Finding you can change > Learning you were wrong. Tom: Suddenly, from out of the woods, the evil Disney Lawyer raiders attack! Crow: Nice try. > > Certain as the sun > Rising in the east Crow: Well, there's always the chance the sun will *set* in the east. Mike: Been watching _The Green Berets_ again? Crow: Unfortunately. > Both a little scared, Mike: More than a little scared! Look what you've done to my pals, Ratliff! Tom's been traumatized, and Crow... [Mike points to Tom, who's shivering. Crow, on the other hand...] Crow: o/~`Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider , But I gotta find out how it feels I want to know if love is wild, girl I want to know if love is reaaaaaal o/~ Mike: ...well, Crow thinks he's Springsteen now. > neither one prepared., Crow: Damn! I knew that I should have taken that Pre-SAT! > Beauty and the Beast. > Tom: Yeah, there's a real peppy hiking song for ya! Mike: Hey, you've bounced back pretty well, Tom. Tom: Oh, it's nothing, Mike. Zen-like, I've transcended pain and entered an entirely new state of consciousness where I don't really care that THEY'RE SINGING COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT SONGS AND BOGGING DOWN WHAT LITTLE PLOT THERE IS TO THIS THING....oh, great. I've lost it. Thanks a *lot*, Mike. > "Actually, I kinda like that one," Clara said. Tom: [Clara] And now you've ruined it, forever! Boohoo! > "Then it's the big production numbers," Jay said. Mike: [Jay] Ok, now, just like in 'Showgirls', and a one, and a two... > "Like, >I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!" Mike: I get the feeling that if Jay was king, the revolutionaries would be too busy laughing at him to depose him. Crow: I used to have respect for Disney. Now... Oh my... > "Well I've never seen a king of beasts with quite so little >hair!" Crow: o/~ I've never seen a Starfleet Commander who should still be in child care!...o/~ [spoken] till I started reading Ratliff. > Alexander replied, and the two continued the song back and >forth. Mike: Somehow, I just can't picture Worf investing in Disney movies. Crow: Yeah, but the only parts he ever watches are the ones with Scar or Cruella DeVille or where Bambi's mom gets iced. > "I'm gonna be the mane event, Crow: AUGH! Puns can kill! > like no king was before. I'm >brushing up on looking down, Mike: [Marrissa] I've already mastered looking down on lower life forms, thank you very much. > I'm working on my roar!" Crow: o/~ And of course I'm always working on my Kobayashi Maru score! o/~ > "Thus far a rather uninspiring thing..." > "Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Tom: [Jay] The paralyzing stresses of command, the claustrophobic confines of a fortified palace, the gruesome specter of forced marriages... Mike: You're forgetting that this is a Ratliff fic. Here, control over a vast army just means you get to pour more strawberry juice on people. > "Well you've quite a long way to go, young master, if you >think..." Crow: No, he doesn't. He'd follow Marrissa off a cliff and then ask to be reassigned to her command. > "No one saying 'Do this!'" All: Except Marrissa. > "Now when I said that..." > "No one saying 'Be there!'" Shayna broke in. [Tom makes alarm sounds] Mike: [Jay] Shayna, put back my TV! > "What I meant was..." Alexander said. > "No one saying 'Stop that!'" Jay sang. All: STOP THAT! > "But you don't realize..." Alexander said. Mike: Awww, they didn't stop. > "No one saying 'See here!'" Shayna said. > "Now SEE HERE!" Alexander said. Tom: Now SHUT UP!!! Crow: Now they're not singing...they're "saying"? Mike: Maybe they're rapping. Crow: Lord, that's a frightening thought. > "Free to run around all day... free to do it all my way!" >Jay said All: [Frantically] I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration... > "I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart to >heart." Alexander said. Mike: [Jay] Sure. Nurse, prep the Klingon for transplant. > "Kings don't need advice from little hornbills for a start!" >Jay sang Crow: o/~ We're all underage officers....we'll blow some planets apart! o/~ > "If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out >of service, out of Africa, Mike: I had a farm out of there. > I wouldn't hang about. This child is >getting wildly out of wing..." Alexander sang. Mike: Remember, guys, Stephen's just doing this to irritate us. Bots: It's working! > "Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Jay sang. "Everybody look >left! Everybody look right! Everywhere you look I'm standing in >the spotlight!" Mike: Hey, y'know...if you tilt your head to the side and squint, it looks like the real Lion King movie. Crow: [hopefully] Really? Mike: No, not really. > "Not YET!" Alexander said. All: Not EVER!!! [Tom quietly weeps] > Even Clara joined in for the chorus. "Let every creature go >for band sing. Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing! It's >gonna be King Simba's finest fling..." Tom: So ignore each & every little thing... Mike: And let the anvils ring... Crow: And don't forget that khakis swing... > "Oh I just can't wait to be king! Oh I just can't wait to >be king! Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Jay said. Tom: Someone tell me that didn't really happen! Crow: Can he wait to be king? Mike: I'm not sure. I don't think so. Crow: [Marrissa] I think that will be my battle cry until I'm Admiral of Starfleet. > "Now wasn't that a nice tune?" Jay asked. Mike: In your hands.... All: NO! Mike: [Jay] But it saved the author the trouble of writing his own material! > "Yes, but that's not the problem. It's just that I can't get >the tunes out of my head once I hear them," Clara said. Crow: But why didn't you just stop them from singing?! You could've saved us both a lot of mental anguish! > "Those >tunes are going to be running around in my head for days! Thanks >guys." > Tom: Well, *I* never have that problem. Mike: o/~ Baby, we can talk all night. But that ain't getting us nowhere...o/~ Tom: Damn you, Mike Nelson. Mike: Meanwhile, I think we need some long term psychological evaluation to see what damage those songs did to our minds. Let's go, guys... [Mike lifts up Servo, and the trio departs.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .] [SOL Bridge - Tom & Servo are gathered around a toy piano with various piles of sheet music laying about] Tom: Number 88, then. Crow: Okay, let's try it from the top Crow & Tom: [singing] [TTO: It's a Small World] o/~ It's a world where children get the last laugh, Where they start their careers landing shuttlecraft. It's a really sad day, If your name's Throwaway, It's Marrissa's world, that's all. It's Marrissa's world, that's all. It's Marrissa's world, that's all. It's Marrissa's world, that's all. It's Marrissa's world. Alexander says he's not a warrior, Clara says warp physics are boring her. Jay Gordon's a wimp, But, uh, but – o/~ Crow: Oh forget it. Tom: Yeah, that song's even more annoying than Marrissa! Crow: Let's try number 56 instead. Crow & Tom: [singing] [TTO: Bibbidy-Bobbedy-Boo] o/~ Take Shayna & Clara, Throw in Alexander, Don't forget Jay Gordon, too. Add in Marrissa and what've you got? Ol' Stephen Ratliff's Kids' Crew! Conquering planets, You gotta hand it To them, you know that it's true. Soon they'll lay waste to the whole galaxy, So look out, here come the Kids' Crew! o/~ Tom: Wait, wait, wait. Crow: What? That's not bad. Tom: I know, but just it doesn't have that modern Disney feel to it, y'know? We need something that has that 90's Mousetown sound. Crow: Something with that Alan Mencken/Tim Rice/Elton John vibe? Tom: Exactly! Crow: Hmmm - something like number 104? Crow & Tom: [singing] [TTO: Prince Ali] o/~ Princess she, annoying with glee, little Marrissa! Luckiest pre-teen in Starfleet, definitely She faced the Trakce goons, Underneath those alien moons. Who sent those dimbulbs to their dooms, why Princess, she! o/~ Crow: Whaddaya think? Tom: Hmmmm - it's okay, but it still lacks something. [Mike enters] Mike: Hey, fellas. Still trying to write that Marrissa/Disney parody? Crow: Yeah, but we're missing something. Mike: Really? [smiles knowingly] Tom: You dog, what've got up your sleeve? Mike: Hey, how'd you know? [pulls a music sheet form out of the sleeve of his jumpsuit] Try this one on for size. [Crow & Servo look it over] Crow: Mike, I'm shocked! Mike: Oh? Crow: Yeah, this is actually pretty good. Tom: It's so unlike you. Mike: Thanks, I - hey! Crow: Let's try it, then, shall we? All: [TTO: Be Our Guest] o/~ She's a pest, she's a pest, But her flying is the best. She can land a wounded shuttle And her hair just won't get messed. Fresh hot death she will serve Only Marrissa has the nerve! Her main talent is for killin' Don't believe me? Ask the villains. They all scream, they all die, After all, they're not that bright, Romulan and Cardie lives all count for less. Go on and run away, Or you will rue the day You met the pest, yes, the pest, she's a pest! o/~ Mike: o/~ There are more kids in store, She's got cohorts by the score. o/~ Crow: o/~ They're minors, but they're no finer Than the one that they adore. o/~ Tom: o/~ Jay Alan, Clara too, They all know just what to do. o/~ Mike: o/~ Like Shayna and Alexander, And their pint-sized, crazed commander! o/~ Tom: o/~ They defeat helpless foes, They just mow them down in rows. They get beaten by a bunch of kids, no less. o/~ Crow: o/~ They always save the day, except for Throwaway o/~ Tom: [speaking] Kinda gratuitous, isn't it? Crow: I still hurt, Tom. All: o/~ They're all pests, they're all pests, they're all PE-E-E-E-ESTS! o/~ [The bots stare at Mike for a moment, before Crow speaks up.] Crow: That was great, Mike. But there's one little problem. Mike: What? Crow: We've already done a song parody with that one. Mike: Oh. [pause] Well, I suppose I could throw one together based on "The Ballad of the Green Berets." [Lights flash] Tom: Whoops! No time for that, Mike! We've got pest sign! All : YAAAAH!!!! WE'VE GOT PEST SIGN!! YAAAAAH!!!!!!!! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [Mike, Crow, and Tom enter and take their places.] Mike: o/~ ...One thousand men will die today but only one, is a Throwaway! o/~ Crow: Let the dream die, Mike. > Up ahead, the steam disappeared into a cliff. Tom: And a Norm. Mike: Come and see the reverse geyser! > Up beside the >grey stone cliff, a path lead upward. Mike: To an upper place which was up above it. > It was a fairly well >traveled path, that apparently hadn't been used in a while.. Mike: Can you spot the logical contradiction here, boys & girls? >Marrissa lead her bunch up the path, to the mouth of a cave. Crow: [Marrissa] Come on, guys, we're the Goonies! > It >was a mid-size entry, roughly trapezoidal in shape, about two >meters in height. Tom: You don't find many trapezoids in nature. Crow: It was actually a regular dodecahedron, but why pick nits? > "Break out the lanterns, we're home," Marrissa said. Mike: Hi, honey, we're home! Crow: Ah, cave sweet cave. Tom: If you lived here, you'd be trapped in a crappy fanfic by now. > "We're going to live in a cave?" Clara said. "Why in the >world would we want to live in a cave in this tropical paradise?" Mike: It's rent controlled. Tom: And the utilities are paid for. > "Because, it's going to get really hot today, and the cave >will be a constant comfortable temperature," Marrissa said. Crow: Ah, this is one of those caves with the auto-thermostat feature! > "That and we've got enemy aliens scanning for us from orbit, >and the rocks will help hide us," Jay said. Crow: [Clara] Oh, right! We crash landed on a strange planet, and our lives are in grave danger! Silly me, I almost forgot. Mike: [Jay, ominously] I can feel the aliens scanning from orbit in my mind. Tom: And the rock cried out, "No hiding place for Marrissa!". > "Really?" Clara said, as they entered the passage. Crow: [Jay] Well, no. The scanners sometimes are able to scan through rock. Sometimes they don't. It's almost as if people were making up the scanner's abilities at whim. > "Not much," Marrissa replied as the walked down the curving >passage. "Every bit counts though." Suddenly the passage opened >up. Mike: It started babbling about its own needs and desires. > The main chamber was about 3 meters high in the center, an >irregular oval, 15 meters in diameter with three other passages >leading off it. Tom: Mapping. Get out the graph paper. Mike: Got it. > One of them lead downward. The other two were >up a step. [Mike scribbles on his paper.] > Marrissa motioned Jay and Alex to check out one of >the upper passage, Tom: [Marrissa] Go see how many venomous creatures are in there. > and Shayna and Clara to check the other one. Tom: [Marlin Perkins] And while the rest of the kids are off exploring potentially dangerous cave sections, I'll be back here mixing up a pitcher of strawberry margaritas. >She stayed in the main chamber and began unpacking. A lantern >style light was quickly attached to the ceiling. Mike: And here comes Hal Jordan, cussing her out. > The model was >one that Marrissa's parents had used on many camping trips, and >Marrissa was very familiar with it. Tom: A strangely familiar brass lantern is hanging from the ceiling. Crow: Back to the GUE, huh Tom? > After a couple minutes, the >others returned. > "What did you find?" Marrissa asked. Crow: [Shayna] I found Enlightenment. Tom: [Clara] I found an undamaged cache of pulsed phaser rifles! Mike: [Jay] I found a rock. > "It's a small chamber, about 3 meters by 4 meters," Jay >responded. "No additional branches." > "Same on our side, but ours was 3 and a half by 4 meters," >Clara remarked. Tom: 'cause girls are *better*. Nyah-nyah. Crow: And that extra half a meter will be significant later on, folks. > "Good, those will be our sleeping chambers," Marrissa said. Tom: [Marrissa] Let's all hang from our toes until sunset, then we go hunt bugs with our internal radar. >"We just have to make sure nothing has change on our bathing >chamber, and we'll be okay." Tom: What are the chances that they'd find loose change in their bathtub? Mike: About the same as them finding a cave in the wilderness with two ideal bedrooms and a split foyer. > "Pardon me, Marrissa, but how did you know about this cave >and the planet's terrain?" Shayna asked. Crow: [Shayna] You're not Q, are you? Mike:[Marrissa] Of course not, mon capit- er, Shayna... Tom: [Shayna] And what was that cryptic "bathing chamber" comment about, anyway? > "Detailed planetary survey," Marrissa said. Mike: [Marrissa] While you and the George of the Jungle fan club were out trying to make trip lines out of daisy chains, I sent up a complex orbital surveillance system. > "Star Fleet >requires any shuttle going a extended distance have a copy of all >the surveys of planets that it passes, just in case. Tom: Just in case there are any future galactic despots who need them. Crow: Still it explains those huge boxes of AAA maps in the cargo hold. > This >planet's one is quite well done. Mike: I like my planets medium rare. Tom: Geez Mike, are you Galactus? > The Vulcan Science Vessel T'put All: [TTTO "Whip It"] o/~I said T'put...T'put good. o/~ >completed it late last year. Like any Vulcan survey, it's very >detailed. Mike: [Vulcan] Hey Captain Nulek, would you say this blade of grass is at a 78 or 78.1 degree angle? > Plus, this cave was used as a staging point for that >survey. We've got one more chamber, follow me." Tom: *Next* week, on Plot Convenience Playhouse... > The five children walked down the last passage. Crow: Say, isn't this a scene from _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_? > It curved >gently to the right and sloped downward for about 6 meters before >opening up into the last chamber. Tom: What, no naturally formed geyser-powered escalator? > It was 3 meters in height, >like the main chamber, but only 5 meters wide and 6 meters long. Tom: I'm checking for secret doors! >A waterfall on the far side, Tom: Over there by a cave man, a French Mammoth, some leather-wearing cows and the local branch of the Midvale School for the Gifted. > let a stream of water in, gently >flowing from an opening two meters up, over a small ledge. Mike: They shouldn't go chasing waterfalls. Tom: Yeah, they need to stick to the rivers and lakes that they're used to. > There >was room enough under it for one to take a shower. Crow: The water had also eroded away a soapdish, a razor, and a bottle of conditioner. > The stream >flowed across the far side of the room, before disappearing into >another opening. Tom: ...where the roots of a tree had twisted into a hydroelectric turbine. > A small pool was in the middle of the room, >about two and a half meters in diameter, and at least a meter in >depth. Mike: Okay, guys, which do you prefer: the lists of ranks and positions, or this? [Tom & Crow make "Hmmm..." sounds.] > "Time to set up the bathing room," Marrissa said. Crow: [Marrissa] Soon we'll have thousands of Romans paying to use this place! > "Clara >hand me that lantern." Crow: On the run from evil pirates, scared, tired, hungry - so naturally, their first priority is a bath. Tom: Raise high the roofbeam, Scott Carpenter! 'Cuz, see, it's space and all... > >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. Crow: You know, I've always wondered, but where exactly is Radford? Mike: It's on the East Coast, over by Westford and Seaford. Crow: Huh. Those names aren't very original. Mike: Well, the colonists didn't have access to 20th Century naming technology, like we do. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"Savor the fruit of life, my young friends. Crow: Turn into pudding. Bake it in pies. Include it in scented herbal shampoos. > It has a sweet taste when >it is fresh from the vine. But don't live too long. Mike: Die and decay quickly. > The taste turns >bitter after a time." - Kor, ST:DS9 "Once More Unto the Breach" >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 5/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 21 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <736sol$55l@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Tom: If you don't have an oxy*less*on, you have... > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) Crow: Still, I'm holding out hope that this story is just the result of a massive trip that I'm on. >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 5/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a > >101374 >Chapter Four > > Jay was standing on top of the cliff. Tom: [Kosh] Jump! Jump NOW! > It had been a climb >up to the top, Crow: Something that still surprised Jay. > but as Marrissa had said, they needed to find out >if their Enemy was coming down to get them. Crow: 'Cause if the Enemy does get them, Uncle Screwtape will be pretty ticked. > So Jay was scanning >the sky with his binoculars. Mike: It's Stephen Ratliff's Rear Plateau! > Clara was working on a wood and vine >ladder to make the climb easier. Tom: [Marrissa]: Hey Clara, you can stop now! I found a helicopter made out of wind-eroded sandstone! > Alexander and Shayna were >trapping the path up against the cliff from the stream. Mike: Because as any soldier will tell you, walking single-file along a clearly marked path where the enemy has just gone is the only safe way to catch a group of fugitives. > Marrissa >was setting up the cave while working on lunch. [All hum "Gilligan's Island" incidental music] > Jay paused to wipe the sweat off his forehead. It was rather >warm on the top of the cliff. He had taken off the top of his >jumpsuit. All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! Tom: ...a decision he regretted when the hot sun charred his pale flesh. > A brief glance down at Alexander, revealed that he had >done the same. All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! Mike: Wait, how can you take off half of a jumpsuit?!? Tom: I dunno, but the thought of - of - [pause] All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! > The girls had all switched to white tank top >tops, probably their underwear, at Marrissa's suggestion. Mike: Eww. I don't want that mental image. Crow: Jay later remembered to thank Marrissa for accepting his bribe. > It was >hot outside. Crow: Yet despite this, we all have cold chills of dread running down our spines at the thought of... of... All: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! > Jay returned to scanning the skies. Mike: KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!!! > A white streak appeared >on the horizon. Mike: The Pillsbury Dough Boy has come to their rescue! > Jay zoomed in as much as he could, hitting >record on the binoculars. Mike: He should've just preprogrammed it to record. Crow: Well, Jay's no electronics whiz - his binoculars are still flashing "12:00". > It was an alien shuttlecraft, all >black with a round cylinder for a main body, and bat-like wings. Tom: It's Bruce Wayne from "Kingdom Come". Crow: Or "The Dark Knight Returns". Tom: Or "DC 1,000,000". Crow: Or- Mike: Enough! I'm drowning in comic book references! Crow & Tom: *Graphic Novels!* Mike: *whimper* >Near the outer edge of the wings were yellow spikes which pulsed >as it descended. Tom: Oooh! The rare Warp-Capable Lesser Fritillary! Pretty. Crow: Sigh. I get the feeling that Ratliff's taken an interest in ornithology. > Jay yelled down to Clara, "enemy shuttlecraft spotted." Crow: Flash Gordon approaching! Tom: Send out War Rocket Ajax to bring back his body! > "Where's it heading?" Clara yelled back up. > "The beach I think," Jay said. Mike: They're being invaded by Frankie & Annette! > Marrissa exited the cave, apparently hearing Jay's yelling. Crow: Are you sure he didn't just call her on the pager they made from grass and dry mud? >"Jay, watch it until it lands, then come down for lunch," she >ordered. > Tom: [Marrissa] I'd like you to get a good meal in before you get vaporized. > Alexander, Shayna, Clara, and Marrissa were sitting together >in the main chamber. They had just finished their lunch. Clara >had four tricorders that she had just finished reprogramming. Crow: She's trying to pick up "Furniture To Go" on The Learning Channel. >All were shifting uncomfortably on the hard surface of the cave. Mike: Wait...I think it's a *bad* thing when inanimate objects start shifting uncomfortably. Tom: Ahem. Mike: Oh...sorry. > "I reprogrammed them, just like you asked," Clara said. Mike: Now they don't have to pay for their DIVX movies. >"I'm not sure what good it will do though." Tom: [Clara] I mean, should we really be playing Quake at a time like this? Mike: [Marrissa] You're just mad because I always win. > "It's our early warning system," Marrissa said, pulling out >a PADD with a map on it. We'll try to place them at these >places. Crow: [Marrissa] Or locate them at these locations. Mike: [Marrissa] Or redundancy these redundancies. > Alex, Tom: [Marrissa] I'll take Quotable Quotes for 500. > you take these two, I'll take the others." > "What about the aliens?" Shayna asked. Tom: [Marrissa] Let 'em get their own tricorders! > "We'll try to avoid them," Marrissa said. Mike: Ooh...brilliant. Sun Tzu has nothing on Marrissa. > "Why are you going?" Clara said. "You're our leader. You >should say here." All: Here. > "We need to get these placed quickly and well hidden," >Marrissa said. "Alexander and I are the only two of us who have >any survival skills. Mike: I guess the rest of them just melt if left out in the open. Crow: Still, leaving Jay alone with a bunch of camping supplies is just asking for trouble. Tom: [Marrissa] The rest of you are all dead...you just haven't stopped moving yet. > I want to limit the chances of anyone being >captured and increase the chances of us knowing were the enemy >is. Crow: Nice way of saying "We're going to look around and try not to get caught." > Jay will be in charge until I return. Mike: [Jay] But I need you to order me around! I have no free will! > Shayna, relieve him >from the watch post. Crow: She'd have to be really agile to do that, wouldn't she? Tom: Need a strong stomach, too. Mike & Crow: Ewwww! > Clara, make sure Jay gets something to eat, Mike: [Marrissa] Then give him his binky and tuck him in for nap-nap. >then see about improving our living situation. Crow: [Marrissa] Alexander! Get a better job! Clara! Get some coupons! Shayna! Get some spackle and paint and clean this place up! Jay! We're going to have to sell some of your organs. > Alexander, let's >get going." > Shayna, Marrissa, and Alexander left the cave. Clara, >meanwhile, began to carefully look over the cave. It had >possibilities. > Tom: [Clara] The TV will be here... the surveillance network over here... hmm, should we put the antiaircraft guns near the stereo or would that mess up the reception? > Jay had just finished his lunch when the PADD beeped and >began playing an image. Crow: [Jay] Neat! "Johnny Bravo"'s on! > There were five PADDs arrayed up against >the wall between the two sleeping chambers, each of them bearing >the name of one of the children. It was Jay's that turned on. Crow: Turn me on, dead PADD. >Jay's was programmed to receive transmissions from the shuttle. > The transmission was labeled "Delayed Ten Minutes." Mike: So...it's more of a *late* warning system. > The >view was of the open door of the shuttle. An alien was bending >down to enter the shuttle. Mike: He had better not start squealing like a pig. > His skin was black and his hair was >yellow and long. Crow: It's a race of RuPauls! > As he entered, a fine red mist descended, Mike: Hey, it's "V" all of a sudden. >sneezing power. Tom: [He-Man] BY THE POWER OF...sneezing?!? > He sneezed, then again, then he went into a >violent seizure, collapsing to the ground outside the shuttle. Mike: [Alien] *hackhack* Drat this *gasp* hay *snort* fever *WHEEEEEEZE*! >The seizure ended, and the alien remained there, unmoving. Then >a purple bolt hit him, vaporizing the alien. Tom: Another purple bolt? TAFKAP must be really trigger happy. Mike: Ahh...a typical trap set up with elements found in the forest. > A second one entered, and moved to look in the overhead >storage. Tom: [Alien] Dammit, I know I stored my carry-on here somewhere! > A puff of barely visible mist hit him, stinky scent (a >perfect addition Shayna's whoopie cushion). Crow: So a cloud of flatulence just gave him a right hook, then? > This had no >immediately noticeable effect. Tom [Shayna] Damn! I was so proud of that one. > A third alien entered, moving toward the cockpit. He sat >down at the co-pilot's seat and attempted to bring up the >controls. Jay smiled at his frustration. He had locked down the >controls. Mike: So neither of them notices their pal's been vaporized? Crow: [Alien 1] Hey, wasn't Zorgatz here a second ago? Tom: [Alien 2] Ah, who knows? Let's hotwire this puppy & scram! > It had taken a while, but it was worth it. The alien >stopped to scratch his hands. Tom: He thought he was Dale. Mike: Wrong season. > Shayna would be happy to know that >all of her traps had worked, beyond expectations. > Crow: Especially the hand-scratching thing. Absolutely brilliant. Tom: "When Fourth-Graders Attack"...next on Fox. > Marrissa was up in a tree All: K-I-S-S-I-N-G! > fixing one of the observation >tricorders into position, when she first heard the noise. Tom: Her stuffy nose prevented her from smelling the funk. >Someone was coming. Mike: In a Ratliff story? Only if they're married. > Using the other tricorder she had brought >with her, she quickly determined that it wasn't one of her >friends. Crow: Oh, *that* certainly narrows it down!! > As the sounds got closer, she drew her phaser, and >pressed herself up against the trunk. > The alien came into view below her. Crow: [Marvin the Martian] Oh, drat, where is my Illudium PU-38 Space Modulator? > As she was about two >and a half meters up the tree, he would have to look up to see >her. However, once he did, there was very little chance he'd >miss her. All: Hey! Up there! C'mon, fella, look up! Above you, ya knit! > Marrissa was wearing bright red pants with a white >tank-top. Crow: Not the best camouflage, but very stylish! > In the dark purple foliage she was rather easy to >spot. Marrissa tried to be as still and make as little noise as >possible as the alien moved past her. Tom: Since she was in the middle of an accordion solo, it was pretty difficult. > The tall black alien was >carrying a black hunk of something, Tom: Burnin' love. > probably a gun. Crow: Or it could be fudge. > As he passed >beneath the tree and away from the direction of the cave, >Marrissa noted that his bright yellow hair was held back with two >ribbons, one red, one gray. Crow: As usual, Ratliff gives us the attention to clothing we know and love. > She stayed up in the tree for five >minutes after the alien passed. Then she scanned around her. >Finding nothing, she descended and carefully made her way back to >the cave. > >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"Savor the fruit of life, my young friends. It has a sweet taste when >it is fresh from the vine. But don't live too long. The taste turns >bitter after a time." - Kor, ST:DS9 "Once More Unto the Breach" Crow: Kor....the Klingon Morrissey. >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 6/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 24 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <73df9i$lfb@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 6/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >101374 Mike: Stephen must into this whole "Born-on dating" craze. >Chapter Five > > Clara was relaxing in the warm pool in the bathing chamber. >They'd chose to set up the room Japanese style, Tom: With a collapsing economy? Crow: Mostly American with some traditional features? Tom: With the highest teen suicide rate in the world? Crow: With lots of ex-American baseball players? Tom: With Gamera attacking every few minutes? Crow: With big-eyed porn cartoons? Mike: Okay, guys, I think we’ve punished the Japanese enough. Crow: Says you, Mike! Tom: Yeah, you only had to endure two of those stinkballs! We still carry scars from “Time of the Apes” and "Fugitive Alien"! > wash under the >cold waterfall then soak for a while in the pool. A rock had >been heated and tossed in to warm the pool, which was now a >comfortable 95 degrees F. Mike: ...for the five or six seconds before the rock cooled off and the pool became ice-cold. Crow: Musta been a helluva big rock! Tom: Yeah, and fish are dying by the thousands from the sudden temperature shift! > If you didn't count the crash landing, >and the aliens chasing after you, Mike: Suddenly the kids are Benny Hill. > life was good. Crow: Of course! Everyone had ice cream! And lots of it! > Aside from >having that annoying tune from the Lion King running though your >head that is. Tom: Well, how about if songs from "Great Illusions" were running through your head? Mike: [Puzzled] Like what? Crow: Mike! No! Tom: Like, o/~ I'm sailing away.... o/~ Crow: NO! Mike: [To Servo] Got him again. Tom: Yep. Crow: ...setanopencoursetotheviriginsea.... > Clara was next to last. The boys had had the room first. Tom: Is that legal in Marrissa's matriarchal regime? >Tomorrow they'd do something to divide the room into male and >female. Tom: So Stephen has basically turned Roddenberry's liberal Utopia into Victorian England? Mike: Yup, pretty much. Crow: ...theskieshesaidcomesailawaycomesailawaycomesailawaywithme. [Pants] I hate you, Tom. > Clara was already working on an idea. Mike: It involved a genie and a magic lamp. Crow: No, don't say that - that might be all the cue they need here to break into a rousing chorus of "Arabian Nights"! Tom: [Clara] We'll cryogenically freeze ourselves and wait until the cave naturally erodes away four separate shower stalls! > Marrissa's voice floated down the passage to the bathing >chamber. "Can I join you Clara?" she said. Crow: Oh, God, no. > "Go right ahead," Clara said. "Just don't let the boys come >down." Tom: o/~ Buffalo boys don't you come down tonight... o/~ > "Don't worry, they're busy," Marrissa said, as she entered >the room. As she undressed, she continued. Mike: Oh, no - no more, please, no!! Ratliff's either out to blind us or get us on a morals rap! Crow: It's Jim Henson's Porno Babies! Tom: Another naked Marrissa scene? Mike, I want you to promise me you'll shut me down if there's ever another one. Crow: Me first. > "Alexander left a >couple communicators around where our alien friends camped, and >Shayna is giving them a concert." Tom: Coming soon, Shayna! Live at Red Rocks! With special guest, The John Tesh the XXVIIth Project. > Marrissa walked over to the waterfall and began washing. Mike: Out, out damn spot... >"Her haunting rendition of the Battle Hymn of the Republic is no >doubt keeping them awake." Mike: She's playing that on a harmonica? Isn't that a war crime? Crow: They're obviously too dense to just find the communicators and either blast them, or trace the beam back to the source. Mike: Well, they *are* Ratliff villains , so... Crow: So they *are* that stupid. Right. > Marrissa flipped back her long blond >hair after letting the water run though it for a while, sending a >spray of water arching behind her. Mike: Sounds like she's coming down with Supermodelitis. > Clara was jealous of >Marrissa's hair. Crow: And her ability to accumulate followers like cat hair on a sweater. > Clara's hair had been brown when she was little >and was gradually darkening. People liked girls with light >colored hair, like Marrissa. Mike: Mary and Laura Ingalls in the 24th-and-a-half century! > In fact Marrissa had it all. Crow: And Marrissa explains it all! Thank you. > She >was already developing breasts, and she was only ten. [All groan] Crow: *Much* too much information, Stephen! Tom: Okay, we surrender, just - no more of this, please! > Clara >hoped she would be as pretty when she was older. She sighed. > "Something wrong, Clara?" Marrissa said. Tom: Yes! Everything about that last sentence was wrong! Everything in the world is wrong! Ratliff has killed all that is good and decent! > "I wish I was as pretty as you," Clara commented. > "I'm not that pretty," Marrissa said, as she sat down to >wash her feet. Tom : o/~ Try not to get worried, try not to hold onto, problems that upset you...o/~ Crow: So, Stephen's moved onto Andrew Lloyd Weber. Mike: Yep. Still, the cameo by Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson should be good. Crow: True. > "My hair is like straw, Mike: Ray Bolger *IS* Marrissa! > I'm starting to have acne >problems, and to make matters worse, everyone thinks I'm dumb >because I'm a blonde." Mike: Hey! What have you done with the *real* Marrissa? Crow: Yeah, Marrissa, it's really held back your progress so far. Tom: Sheesh, what would a *brunette* 10 year old have done for the Science Fair? > "Everyone thinks blondes are pretty," Clara said. Mike: Yeah, that Linda Tripp is a fox. > "I've >just got this long black stuff that I can't do anything with." Mike: [Marrissa]: That's nose hair, Clara. I didn't want to mention it before, but you should probably do something about it. > "I'm sure we can do some thing," Marrissa said. "Have you >ever tried braiding your hair?" Tom: [Marrissa] And if that doesn't work, you can dress like a nun. > "I don't know how," Clara said. > "Then when we get back, I'll have to teach you," Marrissa >said. "Now I believe I asked for some remodeling ideas..." > Mike: [Clara] Just take this submarine model, add funny looking thingies on the sides, and presto - instant "Botany Bay". >Personal Log >Marrissa Flores >First Day on the Planet Mike: [Marrissa] It seems to be populated by intelligent apes. They'll make good henchmen, except for that Peanut fellow... > We've set up in the cave, and got most of the material we >need to survive from the shuttle. Tom: [Marrissa] Cotton, rayon, denim, wool, and a few bolts of this darling burgundy chenise. > Alexander and I have rigged >up a network of tricorders that Clara programmed so we can safely >follow to movements of the enemy. Tom: "Follow to movements?" What, are they scaring the aliens with interpretive dance? > They visited the shuttle late >last night. They are brutes. Crow: [Marrissa] Yet, somehow I find them...strangely attractive. > They stand over two meters in >height and have an over-muscled bodies black in color. Crow: Jim Brown? > As far as >I can tell, they seem to be nearly identical. The only differing >feature they have is the colored ribbons in their hair. > Mike: [singing] Take the ribbons from your hair... > They were their eyes to the outdoors. Mike: What, the ribbons? Tom: No, I think that the aliens were. That was awfully nice of them. Crow: This sentence is running around wild...we'll have to take it down. > The displays on the >PADDs listened to the scrambled and irregular feeds from the >tricorders Marrissa and Alexander had placed. Mike: It was some garbled message about Talos IV and Christopher Pike or something. > Marrissa kept an >eye on them, as she fixed lunch. It was mostly cold stuff, but >she was cooking some soup on some phaser heated rocks. Crow: Why not just heat the soup directly and skip the middleman? Tom: It makes for a better visual. Crow: This is a text file. Tom: That's a good point, so shut up. > The views were calm. A breeze was blowing outside, causing >the tree limbs tow sway gently as their purple leaves showed >their olive green undersides. Tom: Foliage courtesy of Mr. Joker of Gotham. > A small blue bird flew by >observation four, the closest to the cave. Mike: Suddenly, "Bambi"! Crow: The woods are dangerous.... AIIIEEEEE!!!! > Its beak moved in >song when it landed on a nearby branch. Since no sound was being >transmitted, Marrissa couldn't hear the bird sing, but in her >mind she heard in. It was a beautiful song, a series of musical >chirps which called to the young girl. Mike: Uh-oh, she's starting to lose it. Tom: "Kill them all, Marrissa...they're plotting against you, Marrissa..." > It was a shame when the trio of aliens scared the bird. Crow: [bird] @#$* music critics... > The >three aliens strode though the clearing, weapons drawn. All of >them were about the same height, two meters. Tom: Which comes out to, let's see, 37.4 pounds per square gallon. Mike: Still having problems with metric conversion, huh? Tom: Hey, it's not my fault I was programmed in the imperial system! > They were dressed >in form fitting black armor, with no adornment. Their yellow >hair was tied back in pigtails. [All snicker] Crow: Pippi Longstocking is out for blood! > One of their faces had paled, >and another seemed to be having a hard time holding his weapon. All: EWWWWWW! Mike: [alien] The viagra! They boobytrapped the viagra! >They were headed right for the cave. This wasn't good. Mike: In fact, it was very very not good. > Plus, >the soup was boiling over. Mike: Screw the aliens....we've got a *soup crisis*! Tom: [Jay] That's odd. Weren't we fixing vichyssoise? > "Clara, Alex, Jay, Shayna," Marrissa yelled, pulling the >soup off the rocks. "We've got company coming, Battle stations!" > Clara, and Alex came in from the entrance. Mike: Since coming in from the exit would have been impolite and improper. > Shayna came from >the girls room, Tom: So, I guess that they divided up the girls and boys room, somehow. Crow: Did you really need to know how? Tom: Ummm...no. > and Jay, rushed up from the bathing chamber, All: >still putting his shirt on. "Clara, is the barricade finished," >Marrissa asked, once the group had assembled, picking up the two >phaser rifles and three of the phasers. Crow: [Marrissa] I still wish one of you guys had volunteered to help me defend the barricade. > "Just moved it into place," Clara said. > "Then we better get behind it, because we've got company >coming. > Mike: As previously indicated. Tom: So, we have company coming? Mike: Yes. Tom: Okay, just checking. >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. Crow: Checking on what? Tom: That we have company coming. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 Crow: We do? Tom: That's correct. >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author Mike: What's correct? Crow: Company's coming. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ Mike: Oh. Well, I wish that I knew that earlier, instead of you guys just springing it on me like that. Tom: Sorry. Crow: Yeah, it just kinda happened. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > Mike: Alt.fan.warlord would be very interested in that .sig. >"They're not just names. It's important we remember that. We have to >remember." Mike: Should we remember? > - CPT Sisko, DS9 "Siege of AR-558" Tom: They besieged one rifle? Odd strategy, but whatever floats your starship. [The sharp tone of a cellular phone can be heard in the theater. Mike bends down to look under his chair, and returns with a small phone.] Mike: Hello? Uh-huh. Yeah. [He turns towards Tom.] It's for you Tom. [Mike holds the phone next to Tom's dome.] Tom: Yello? Oh, hi! Hey, I'd love to! When? Right now? No problem! See you in a sec! Hey Mike, hang up the phone. Mike: Sure. Tom: Thanks! Oh, can you lift me up over the air vent? Mike: Um, I guess so. [Mike lifts Tom up and places him in the aisle.] Tom: Great! Be back in a minute! [Tom exits.] Mike: Tom? [The door sequence begins.] Mike: Tooom! [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . . 1 . . . ] [Fade in. The Bridge of the SoL is nowhere in sight. Instead, we see a white background with images of brightly colored, floating spoons superimposed upon it. Bright, if slightly off-beat, theme music plays in the background. After a moment, a bowl with the logo "Talk Soup" appears in the upper left of the screen. Tom Servo spins in from the right.] Tom: Hi everyone! Welcome back to Talk Soup. I'm Tom Servo, guest host. [The words "Tom Servo" appear beneath him. In the left corner of the screen, the Talk Soup logo has been replaced with the words 'The View.'] Tom: What do you get when you take a stunning Greek goddess, an opinionated ex-lawyer, a befuddled host and Barbara Walters and throw them all into a vat of Jello? Well, you get the greatest episode of "The View" ever! [Pause] Unfortunately, they won't let us show you that clip. ["The View" is replaced by "Jerry."] So, instead we've got this "Jerry" clip where he talks to some kids. [Tom shrugs.] [The scene shifts to a TV studio, where a group of five children are seated on a stage. A bespectacled man stands in the audience. At the lower left of the screen, the logo of the Jerry Springer show is displayed, with the title "She got us lost in an alien forest!" At the lower right, the title "Tracke Trouble Teens!" has been added. ] Jerry: So, the shuttle had crashed, and you five were trapped on an alien planet? [The view shifts back to the stage.] Marrissa: Yep. The pilots were killed. It's a good thing that I was there to take command... Clara: [Interrupting] Oh, yeah. We're so lucky. We crash landed! Marrissa: Hey! Is it my fault that Jay can't fly? Jay: I wouldn't have been flying if you hadn't told me to fly the shuttle! Marrissa: Well, if *I* was flying the shuttle then I couldn't have been commanding people, could I? Shayna: Oh, some commanding! You had us hiding in a cave! Marrissa: It was a nice cave! There weren't any bears in there, were there? Alexander: [Crying] You had us setting up those stupid traps! Then you made fun of me when you found out that I didn't want to be a warrior! Marrissa: Oh, knock it off! You were too busy crying in the corner, screaming about "how the ribbons were going to get you" to help us with the traps. Jay: And why did you think that if we stayed in one place, then the aliens couldn't find us? Marrissa: Jay... Jay: [quietly] Sorry, Marrissa. Marrissa: [Harshly] Jay...?! Jay: [Even more quietly] Sorry, ma'am. Clara: Look, you little dimwit! Your 'command skills' nearly got us all killed! We were hungry and alone and you had caused us all to have those stupid songs bouncing through our heads the whole damn time! And then you started on that stupid "Song that Never Ends..." Marrissa: [Agitated] Oh yeah? Well, I know what your problem is, *Clara.* [She stands up and rips off her top. Lovely pixelation obscures the view. The audience whoops it up and shouts, "JERRY! JERRY!"] Marrissa: It's these, isn't it?! You're jealous of these, AREN'T YOU!? [Marrissa and Clara leap at each other and begin to punch and kick each other for a moment before Jerry's Nausican security people pull the combatants apart. The scene fades back to the Talk Soup set.] Tom : Tonight's episode of "Jerry" was brought to you by the National Man-Tyrant Love Association, and Ribbon Hut. Need a ribbon to denote your rank in society? Then come on down to Ribbon Hut! [The picture changes to a black and white still photo of Jerry Springer.] Tom : Wednesday on Springer, Jerry presents a special show called "My Mom Lusts After My Captain, My Former Lover, a Holographic Bartender, several bit-part aliens, and this Weird Alien Shifter Guy, and It's Driving Me Crazy!" [The scene shifts back to Tom.] Tom : Well, coming up next, Conan chats it up with Jeff Goldblum, Jay talks plant care with A Star Fleet gardener, and the Clip of the Week! But first, I've got this little problem with movie sign to deal with. We'll be right back. [The scene irises out, and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [Tom enters the theater. Mike and Crow are still there. Mike picks up Servo and places him in his seat.] Crow: Nice work, gumball boy. Mike: Tom, I think that it's generally customary for all of us to actually appear in a segment. Crow: Yeah! We had a lovely sketch about that cave all planned out! Socrates was even going to show up! Tom : Hey, when skunk-boy says host the show, I host the show, no questions asked. >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 7/9 (Marrissa Stories) >Date: 28 Nov 1998 00:00:00 GMT >Message-ID: <73pehr$rsp@newslink.runet.edu> >Organization: Radford University >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #0 >Parts: NEW 7/9 Mike: To repeat, she's hot. Crow: Very alluring, ya. Tom: Ahem. Mesdames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen, and producers - Mike: Tom? We've already done a parody of that song, remember? >Rating: [G] >Codes: >101374 >Chapter Six > > Alexander, Marrissa, and Jay squatted behind the barricade. Mike: Hit the deck! He's going to do "Les Miz" now! All: AIIEEEE!!! [The trio ducks behind the seats.] >There was only room for three across the cave mouth, so Shayna >and Clara were back in the main room, preparing a retreat >position. [Mike pokes his head up.] Mike: Okay, false alarm. All clear. [The trio take their usual places.] Tom: Not that they had told Marrissa, Jay or Alexander. > If necessary, they would leave by the stream. It was >only five feet of underwater travel, and Shayna had tried it >before. Crow: [Lloyd Bridges] By that time, her lungs were aching for air! Tom: You used to do that better. Crow: I know, I'm way out of practice. > The trio of aliens came into view, Mike: Helloooooooo... Crow: Hellooooooooooooo... Tom: Helloooooooooooooooooo... All: Hello! > there black skin Tom: Yes! Yes!! YES! There black skin! There phaser core! There wolf! [Tom begins huffing and wheezing] Crow: You're gonna give yourself an aneurysm if you're not careful there, Tommy! >glistening in the noon sun. Mike: They're going to attack as soon as Frank Miller's train arrives. Tom: [TTTO "High Noon"] Znark made a vow down by Queeldar-Fizn, vowed it would be Marrissa's life or his'n, we're not afraid of death but why the Hell do we have to read throuuugh thiiis? > The pale faced one was on the left, >his face almost white now, and quite sickly looking. Crow: AUGH! They're a race of warrior mimes! > The >rightmost one was handling his gun like it was burning him, Crow: Maybe the Organians are about to show up. Mike: [Organian] Are you Marrissa? Good. We need to talk... > in >fact his hands seemed to be rather red compared to the rest of >his exposed skin. Mike: *Please* don't tell me this is because of the stupid sneezing powder. > Only the middle one seemed to be the same as >the first view of the aliens. Tom: o/~ One of these things is not like the others, one of these things is not the same... o/~ > Spotting the three behind the >barricade, Mike: They set their phasers to "splatball." > they opened fire. The rightmost one's shot wouldn't >have hit the broad side of a barn, Tom: So when Snowball & Napoleon arrive, he'll be useless, > although it might have clipped >the weathervane. All: Wah-wah-wah-wa-a-a-a-ah! Crow: Ahhh, Ratliff...master of language. > A small shower of dirt momentarily obscured the >view. That probably accounted for the middle one missing the >three children, hitting the stone wall behind them. Mike: [Ratliff] Probably. Who knows? Not me, that's for sure. > The leftmost >one's shot, was a tad more accurate, hitting the barricade right >below Alexander. Crow: [Alexander] OH MY GOD! Barricade, speak to me! > Alexander quickly returned fire. The shot from his rifle >was accurate, hitting right on the middle of pale faced alien's >armored chest. The alien dropped to the ground. Mike: Only because he tripped over a stray tricorder. > Marrissa's shot >clipped the middle one's left shoulder, and Jay's shot the gun >right out of the rightmost's hands. [All laugh] Crow: [Sheriff Bart] Well don't just stand there, graspin' yore hands in pain. How 'bout a little hand for the Klingon Kid? Mike: No, no! It was Goofy Inept Misfit Day at the aliens' recruiting center. Tom: No! It's Jim Henson's Sniper Babies! > A word from the middle alien, Tom: [Alien] "Diphthong." > and the aliens were in >retreat. They paused only long enough to adjust their weapons All: Ewww! Crow: And in front of little kids, no less! >and vaporize their stunned companion. Then they were gone. Crow: [Alien 1] Um, he just tripped, sir. Tom: [Alien 2] Kill him anyway - we can't take any chances! Crow: Yeah, they could have just burned "I was beaten by a bunch of kids" on his hide. > > Alexander had wanted to follow the retreating aliens. >Marrissa had vetoed the idea. Crow: Just to display her power. Tom: But the senate overrode the veto, 71-28. > She had sent him in to get >something to eat, and watch the tricorder feeds. Tom: Why the hell are they so worried about eating when armed aliens are trying to kill them? Why? Why? WHY??????????? > Shayna and >Clara took up post behind the barricade, and Jay had been sent up >to the top of the cliff to watch for departing shuttles. Tom: ...and to draw fire. > As he sipped his chicken noodle soup, Crow: This story is sponsored by Campbell's. > he watched the feeds. >Four was the first to show the departing two aliens. They >stopped for a moment, the one with the red ribbon in his hair, >who had seemed to lead the attack, holding a device up to his >ear. Tom: Hey, an Iridium cellphone! Crow: Cool! I've *gotta* get me one of those! > Then they hurried out of range of the tricorder. Two was >the next to pick them up. They moved rapidly across it's field >of vision. Cowards, Alexander thought as he finished the last >bit of his soup. Mike: [Alexander] They should turn and fight the tricorders! Tom: [Alexander] Only true warriors can withstand this soup! > Marrissa returned to the main room from the entry barricade, >smiling. Crow: [Marrissa] Ah, I love the smell of chicken noodle soup and crisped alien attackers in the morning! > Alexander had to admit she had that right. Mike: Yes, the Founding Fathers made sure to include that right after freedom of religion. > When he had >met Marrissa for the first time, two months ago, he had been the >new student, she had been the shy one. All : [Coughing] Ret-con! Ret-con! > Jay had been the one that >brought him into the group of friends. Clara and Shayna had >welcomed him. Marrissa, now that was hard to determine. Mike: Well, after studying all of Ratliff's known stories and Marrissa's character traits in each one, I would have to say Marrissa is the metaphor for killing, genocide, arrogance, false modesty, repressed emotions, and pure, unrefined bitchiness. > She >seemed to be always in the background. Tom: Yeah. Always watching... waiting... looking for just the right moment to strike! > True she was older than >the rest. Maybe that's why she seemed to be so remote. Mike: Or maybe it was just the fact that she was several hundred yards further away. Alexander just couldn't figure it out. > And it >wasn't like this was her only class, she had other classmates. Tom: Of course, they weren't as enthusiastic as this bunch was about her planned coup d'etat. >He'd seen her talking with T'Luv, Crow: And Special Sauce? > the daughter of one of the >stellar cartographers. Still, you'd think he'd notice talent >like hers. Crow: Unfortunately for Alexander, most talented people don't have "NOTICE: TALENTED PERSON" in big neon letters across their foreheads. > "Marrissa," Alexander said. She looked up from where she was >checking on the soup. Mike: Again with the soup! > "It seems that our enemies have fled. I >just saw them running past four and two. Mike: [Alexander] If we don't stop 'em they'll get a touchdown! > They got a call at >four, before they started running." Crow: [Marrissa] Okay...I can fit them in at 5:25, or tomorrow between 11 and 11:15. > "Good, go relieve Jay," Marrissa ordered, turning back to >the soup. Tom: Apparently Ratliff has founded a Chicken Soup for the Soul cult. Mike: "Chicken Noodle Soup for the Klingon Soul" - inspirational growlings from Kahless, Kang, Martok and other bloodthirsty types. Crow: Stop that. > "Hopefully they'll leave soon, and the Enterprise will >arrive." Tom: [Marrissa] And then come back for soup patrol. > "Aye, sir," Alexander said, standing up and giving a quick >salute. Tom: That's the Klingon equivalent of flirting. Mike & Crow: Yuck! > Then with a quick about face, headed toward the door. > "Oh and Alex," Marrissa said. Alexander stopped, and turned >back. Crow: Psych! > "Cut the soldier routine. Mike: We all know that [whining] You don't wanna be a warrior! [whining] > We're all friends here." Tom: [Marrissa] In fact, I *order* you to be my friend! > "I hope," Alexander said before heading out. > Crow: [Marrissa] Hmm...not a happy camper, are you? KILL HIM!!!! > It was getting hot again up on the cliff. Tom: o/~ Up on the cliff... o/~ > Jay had taken off >his shirt and was taking a long drink from his canteen. As he >lowered the canteen, he spotted something rising from the >foliage. Mike: It's the Great Pumpkin, rising from the pumpkin patch to deliver toys to all the good little children of the world! > He pulled out the binoculars. The black alien shuttle >was rising. Mike: Yeah, yeah! Speed it up! What is this, "Lawrence of Arabia"? > It was wobbling as if the pilot was having a hard >time controlling it. Crow: Or as if it was piloted by Ted Kennedy. > As Jay watched, it straightened and left at >high speed up into space. It wasn't very long before a standard >Star Fleet shuttle descended.. > Mike: Well, the shuttle exchange program is working nicely. >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. All: Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! > Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"They're not just names. It's important we remember that. We have to >remember." - CPT Sisko, DS9 "Siege of AR-558" Mike: Yes, sir.....um, what was that part after "they're" again? >From sratliff@runet.edu Wed Dec 02 12:20:54 1998 >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 8/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories #0) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 2 Dec 1998 19:20:54 GMT > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories >Parts: NEW 8/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >101374 >Chapter Seven > > Marrissa was relaxing after lunch when the live transmission >from the shuttle came on. Crow: Y'know, that didn't really work the first time ER tried it. > Data and La Forge were entering the >shuttle. La Forge pointing out Shayna's various traps and Data Mike: ...was using his new emotion chip and laughing his android head off at them. >disarming them. She hoped they'd find the group soon. She would >have taken the group back to the shuttle, but one thing she'd >learn when her parents took her camping, Tom: Smear yourself in honey and jump up and down if you see a bear. > was that if someone was >looking for you, it's advisable to stay in one place if you want >them to find you. Tom: Unless they're aliens...then, if you stay in one place, they *won't* find you. Got it. > She wished she could contact the away team. As Captain >Picard entered the shuttle, Marrissa stretched out her arms. Mike: And parted the Red Sea. >This caused the communicator that she'd attached to her tank-top >that morning to hit her breast. Crow: Now how would that work, exactly? Tom: She must've had either the communicator or her top hooked up to a complex series of pulleys and switches. Crow: Maybe she orders bras from Frederick's of Hollywood. [Pause, then all shudder] Mike: Let's not think about those two at the same time again. Crow: Sounds good to me. > She could contact them. All: Phew. Tom: Okay Ratliff, you are officially forbidden to go near that area of Marrissa's anatomy *ever* *again!* >"Marrissa to Captain Picard," she said. Tom: [Picard] Blast, she's still - I mean, Picard here. > "Picard here. It's a relief to hear you, Marrissa. Are you >and your friends alright?" > "All of us are okay, with the exception of the two adults. >They died before we landed." Mike [Picard]: Oh, I figured THAT much. Give me a little credit. > "Where are you?" Tom: [Marrissa] We're right here on the planet, you dope! > "About five kilometers to the north-west of you, in the cave >labeled survey base camp number twenty-four." Crow: They *labeled* it? Tom: [Marrissa] You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get that much permanent marker around here. Mike: Turn left at McDonald's and go about three miles. Can't miss it. > "Stay there. We'll be there in about a hour." Mike: [Picard] And we'll have your glasses ready. > "Aye sir. We'll have dinner ready." > Tom: Marrissa Flores; science geek, mini-tyrant, gourmet chef! > Marrissa stood in the entrance to the came as Captain Picard >lead the away team up the path. Shayna stood at her side. "Are >you sure you removed all the traps?" Marrissa asked. Crow: [Marrissa] Remember, Baldy has a ten-stroke handicap, but he does *not* like to lose! > "Pretty sure," Shayna said. Moments later, Captain Picard >found a trap and ended up with a bright purple fruit in his face >as a result. Mike: [Picard] Ahhhhhhhh!!! Acid!!!! Tom: o/~ Heading out to Eden, yea, brother... o/~ > The juice fruit mess dripped down on to his red >Starfleet uniform, making a through mess of it. Tom: He immediately convulsed and died, then was vaporized. > "Shayna, how is it that three aliens attack us with phaser >fire, not triggering a single one of your traps and then, after I >have you remove them all, Captain Picard gets hit with a fruit?" >Marrissa asked. Mike: [Shayna] A lukewarm attempt at humor, I guess. > "I'm not sure," Shayna said as the Captain and Data finished >their walk up the path. Crow: Ummm....good answer! > "Welcome to our cave hide-away, sir," Marrissa greeted. Crow: [Marrissa]: Think of it as a heavily armed and armored FantaSuite. >"I'm sorry about the mess, Shayna had assured me that all of our >trip wires had been disabled." > "Sorry sir," Shayna said contritely. > "That is quite all right," Picard responded. Tom: [Picard] I'm sure you'll take care of it during your 6 month stay in ship's laundry when we get back! > "It is >reassuring that you were able to mount such a successful defense >under these conditions. Tom: Yeah, Picard seems like he'd respond pretty well to getting hit in the face with a grapefruit. > Perhaps you'll end up in security some >where down the road." Mike: Because nothing repels hostile aliens like joy buzzers and exploding cigars. > "With Shayna's constant practical jokes, that's a good bet, >sir," Marrissa said. Tom: Huh? Crow: She's bound to get herself killed off quick...perfect for security. Tom: [unconvinced] Oh. > "If you'd like to clean off that fruit, Jay >will show you the bathing room." Mike: Okay, absolutely *NO* NAMBLA jokes! Crow: Don't worry - that's one place even I wouldn't go! > "Thank you Marrissa," Picard said, entering the cave. "I >believe you offered diner?" Crow: [Marrissa] Yep. It stars Steve Guttenberg, Ellen Barkin, Mickey Rourke, and The Center Of The Universe Himself! > "Yes, sir," Marrissa responded, "Clara will be cooking hot >dogs and chilli." > Mike: And now, we're in a Sonic fanfic. Tom: [Picard] You mean I came all the way down here for chilidogs?!? Not even a decent Crepes Suzette?!? LaForge, Data, back to the shuttle! Crow: [Marrissa] And soup. Sweet, sweet soup. Only soup understands me. I must obey the soup... > All of the parents were there when the shuttle returned to >the Enterprise. Most of the parents were gathered by the door to >the corridor. Mike: Remember, if you see our brat, run like the dickens! > Alexander's father, however was different. He was >standing in the far corner, checking the phasers in the bay >armor. Crow: [Worf] Rear guard, my ass....Alex starts marksman training TomORROW! > Captain Picard exited the shuttle first, followed by the >children. Tom: [Marrissa] Don't try anything funny! We've got the captain! > Marrissa was quickly embraced by her parents, though >she tried to put them off. Mike: [Marrissa] Don't you dare touch me, non-commanding-officer scum! Tom: She's had her first taste of power and it's already going to her head. > Clara jumped into her father's arms, >nearly causing him to lose his balance and fall. Jay almost >disappeared in the combined hug of his parents. Tom: [muffled as Jay] I camt breev! I camt breev! Crow: Jay Alan Gordon, son of the Living Tessarects! > His two year old >sister hugged her older brother's leg like she was afraid he >would disappear. Tom: Ironically, he did, leaving only the detached leg. > Shayna's greeting was warm, but not overly >demonstrative. Mike: [Father] I'm glad you're well, daughter. Would you care to shake hands. Tom: [Mother] Perhaps we should just exchange e-mails instead. Mike: [Father] You're right, of course - less chance of germs that way. Crow: Yeah, yeah....but what are their parents' *ranks*? Come on, Ratliff! > Alexander's greeting was totally different. He walked over >to his father, who appeared to be engrossed in his job. At first >the greeting was emotionless. Crow: They *are* Klingons, not Vulcans, right? Mike: So I've heard. > But then once the families had >departed from view, Worf gave his son a big hug and asked him Tom: How many enemies he had slain for Kahless?! >about what had happened. Mike: [Worf] Warm, loving families are without honor! > Alexander was one of the few people >that saw the more open side of the Klingon Security Chief, Mike: Most people, for example, didn't know about Worf's secret bottle cap collection. > and >few would believe that the laughter coming from Shuttlebay Two >was that of Worf and his son. > Tom: Yeah, yeah. Very touching. Let's blow this joint. [Tom scuttles over to Mike] >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > >"There is an old Klingon saying,'there is nothing worse than half-dead >gagh.'" >"Yes there is, Living gagh." > - Marrissa Picard and Lynn Gordon, "Return To Glory" Crow: Quoting his own classics? Ratliff, you lovable scamp! [The trio moves into the aisle.] >From sratliff@runet.edu Sat Dec 05 10:35:45 1998 All: Aaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhh!!!! Tom: It never ends! It just never ends! [The three sit back down.] >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW TNG The Field Trip 9/9 [G] (Marrissa Stories #0) >From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >Date: 5 Dec 1998 17:35:45 GMT > > >Title: The Field Trip >Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu) >Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #0 >Parts: NEW 9/9 >Rating: [G] >Codes: n/a >101374 >Epilogue > >Personal Log >Marrissa Amber Flores > > Today was the first meeting of the "Kid's Crew." Mike: aka "The Hole in the Wall Gang". Tom: aka "The Junior Beer Hall Putsch Society". Crow: aka "The Max Frost Fan Club". > We created >the club because we (at least Jay and I) wanted to see what >commanding a starship would be like. Crow: And frankly, they *LOVE* it! > Commander Riker has agreed >to be our sponsor. Tom: [Marrissa] Sucker! Crow: Note to self - Riker must be tortured for a very long time before being executed in the most painful manner known to man. > He says that if train well, he may be able to Mike: ...put us to work for him so he can spend more time boozing it up in Ten-Forward. >get us a shift, sometime when we are in spacedock, on the bridge. >We wouldn't be alone on the bridge, Mike: At least until the "Ratliff gas" gets pumped in. Tom: Or until the Tracke seize the entire ship except for the holodeck. Crow: Or until a shuttle accident turns the Bridge Crew into kids, and they have to liberate the ship from the Ferengi. Mike: Crow, that's an actual episode. Crow: So? It fits. > but if we manage to do that >someday, it will be beyond my dreams, at least the short term >ones. > What are my dreams? Crow: [Marrissa] Well, there's the flying one, then there's the one with Leonardo DiCaprio, then there's the one with the railway tunnels and the wilting hot dogs, and... Mike & Tom: ENOUGH!!!!! > Some day I'd like to command my own >starship. Crow: [Marrissa] Or an unholy demon horde. Either one's cool. > I'd have many adventures with a handsome young first >officer at my side. Mike: [Marrissa] First, of course, I'll have to ditch old "Dogface" Gordon. My ship would be the fastest in the fleet, >never defeated in battle, and my crew would be the best in Star >Fleet. It will never happen, but I can dream. Tom: And as she dreams, her dreams fall through a hole in the universe to Radford University, 1994. > It's just like my dream of being a Princess. I'm not the >daughter of a prince, Mike: [Marrissa] Well, I WAS, until dad changed his name. What a jerk. > so I can't be a princess. Crow: Not *literally*, no. > It doesn't stop >me from dreaming though. I have no way of guaranteeing that I'll >be able to enter Star Fleet, much less get my own command. Crow: Although her Magic 8-Ball gives a "Most Definitely" when asked. >However I can dream, and for this dream I can prepare. I've told >my teacher that I'd like to be in Star Fleet someday and he >suggested that I look for a mentor to help me become one. Mike: Someone will help her become a Star Fleet? Crow: Now that's going to take some special training. Tom: It's Marrissa, guys. She'll do it somehow! > I've already decided who I want. No one else has ever asked >Captain Picard if he would mentor them, but I will. > Mike: [Marrissa] Und I haff vays uff making him agree, heh-heh-heh!! > >-- >Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496 >rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Tom: Oh, I'm sure it's all real polite-like for you, pal. Down on the front lines, though, it gets ugly. > Marrissa Stories Author Crow: Hey, that reminds me - now that this repeat from Sheol is finally over, can anyone explain just WHAT THE HELEN HUNT WAS THAT "101374" DEAL BEFORE EACH CHAPTER?!?!?!?!? Mike: Superstatic Stardate? Tom: UUEncoding field? Mike: The number of readers Stephen's put to sleep? Tom: The number of people Marrissa's killed for no good reason? Mike: Twice 50687? Tom: Half 202748? Crow: You two are useless! >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC. Tom: Yeah, well FAQ off! >http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too. >also at: http://archive.nu/ > Crow: So, nu? >"There is an old Klingon saying, Tom: "You will die a horrible, bloody death at my hands!" > 'there is nothing worse than half-dead >gagh.'" >"Yes there is. Living gagh" Mike: It's Night of the Living Gagh! > - Marrissa and Lynn Gordon > Part 7 of Return to Glory > > Crow: Oh, good, now he's quoting *himself*! Mike: Hey, Stephen, it's too crowded in here - either you or your ego's gonna have to leave the room! Tom: Let's us leave, too. [All exit] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The doors close. Instead of the normal view of the Bridge, we see a non-descript corridor. Tom Servo, Crow, and Gypsy, all dressed in militaristic uniforms, are walking towards the camera.] Crow: I can't believe that he's gone. Tom : Me neither. Gypsy: He stood stalwart among us, unwavering in his resolute desire to survive this onslaught. But now, like all men, his time has passed. [Quiet reigns for a moment as they stop walking.] Tom : Wow. That was good! Crow: Yeah, Gypsy. I'm impressed. Gypsy: Your praise is welcome, my friends. During lulls of activity during my former term of employment, I had many an opportunity to compose an obituary file in case one of this band should pass from this mortal coil. Crow: Really? How does mine go? Gypsy: [Chuckles] I cannot begin to recite your eulogy, Crow, for to do so would require over 600 hours. Tom : Well, what about me, then? Gypsy: Tom Servo is no more. He had a really bitchin' car. Tom : Ha! I always knew she liked me best! Crow: So. [pause] Mike's dead, and now we're going to blow up the Satellite. Tom : Yep. I guess that we better get out of here. [The trio resumes their walk towards the camera. As they near the camera, a technician, looking remarkably like Jim Mallon dressed in a jumpsuit, walks past them and moves to a control panel on the wall. The robots walk out of view.] Jim : [mumbling] I'll going to switch the hell out of this button... [The bots walk into an elevator, and the view switches to an exterior view of the Satellite. A small shuttle, marked "Deux ex Machina II" departs from the Satellite. Moments later, the Satellite of Love explodes in a bright fireball. As the fireball blossoms in slow motion, classical music begins to play.] Crow: [V.O.] Hold it! [The scene shifts back to the corridor. Crow walks back into view.] Crow: I think this has already been done. [Tom joins Crow in the hallway.] Tom : Really? Crow: Yeah. I vaguely recall something like this happening before. Tom : Huh. Well... something else then? Crow: Sure. [The image dissolves, then slowly fades back into the Bridge of the SoL. A large transparent wall is in the middle of the bridge. Gypsy stands in front of the wall, staring beyond it. Tom rushes in, Gypsy moves into intercept.] Tom : Crow!!! Gypsy: It's too late, Tom. [With stunned understanding, Tom stumbles to the door, sees Crow on his knees, hands blackened, face cracked with radiation lines and scars. Crow shakes his head. With a feeble hand he reaches the intercom button: FILTERED communication begins.] Tom : Crow! Crow: Ship - out of danger? Tom : Yes - [Crow is satisfied; he fights for breath.] Crow: Do not grieve, Admiral - it is logical: the needs of the many outweigh - [He almost keels over. Tom has tears steaming down his face.] Tom : ... the needs of the few... Crow: ...or the one. [He props a hand on the glass to support himself. Tom's hand reflexively goes to match Crow's on the other side of the glass -] Crow: I never took the Kobayashi Maru test - until now. What do you think of my solution? Tom : Crow! Crow: I have been- and always will be... Wait. Tom? I think this one's been done too. Tom: Are you sure? Crow: Yeah. Tom: Damn! This is getting ridiculous! Everything we've tried today has been a repeat! Everything! I'm sick of this! I'd like to do one *original* thing today! Just one! Mike: [O.S.] I think that I can help you with that. [The bots turn to the side of the Bridge. Mike walks into view. He's, well, he's dressed like Alanis Morrisette in her video to "Thank You." Long black hair, pixels, the er, works. The bots stare at Mike for a moment before bursting into a fit of laughter. After nearly a minute of laughter, the bots recover enough to speak.] Tom: Well, I'm certain we've never done *this* before. Crow: Yeah, if you had, there's no way we would have ever let you live this down. Mike: Thanks guys. Tom : Okay, Mike. Let's hear what you've got. Crow: After all, we can already see what you've got. Tom : By the way Mike, is it cold in here? Mike: Ha ha! Anyway, I thought maybe we need move beyond Ratliff bashing, so check this out: Mike: [singing, TTO Alanis Morisette's "Thank You"] o/~ How about getting off of this carping 'bout fanfic? How about just stopping reading when I'm tired? How about enjoying the Virginia scenery? How about that lingering sense of dignity? Thank you Marrissa Thank you Throwaway Thank you Starfleet Kids' Crew Thank you Tracke Thank you Disney Thank you thank you Stephen How about me not blaming you for writing? How about me enjoying the story for once? How about how good it feels to finally forgive you? How about showing the Federation some respect? Thank you Marrissa Thank you Throwaway Thank you Starfleet Kids' Crew Thank you Tracke Thank you Disney Thank you thank you Stephen The moment I hung up on Trek was The moment I got more than I could handle The moment I started to watch it it was The moment I found peace! How about no longer saying you're sadistic? How about remembering your humanity? How about getting your computer science degree? How about not equating hate with riffing? Thank you Marrissa Thank you Radford Thank you Starfleet Kids' Crew Thank you A.S.C. Thank you Jean-Luc Thank you thank you Stephen Yeah, yeah, yeah! o/~ Mike: So, whaddaya think? [long pause] Tom: Frankly, Mike, we have mixed feelings. Crow: Yeah, the song parody was pretty good. Tom: And the idea was actually pretty - touching. Mike: Thanks! Crow: But the source material is just so - so - Alanis! Tom: Yeah! *snork* And that costume is just - just – BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!! [Tom & Crow both give in to uncontrollable giggling fits] Mike: Well, I can see you two are through for the day. [lights flash] What do you think down there, Pearl? [Castle Forrester] [Pearl, Observer & Bobo are just staring at the screen] [SoL] Mike: Um, hello? Evil captors? H-hello? [Castle Forrester]– [The Castle Crew continues to stare. Finally, Pearl shakes her head.] Pearl: Okay, Mike - I have to admit, dressing up like that is pretty evil, even for me. Observer: Not to mention just a bit on the revolting side. Bobo: I don’t get it - why’s his naughty bits all blurry-looking? Observer: To protect the audience’s sensibilities. Bobo: What audience? Observer: The audience of - um - oh, never mind! Pearl: Anyway, Nelsmell, I think we’ll call this one a draw. [SoL] Mike: A draw? I didn’t even know we were comp- [Castle Forrester] Pearl: Forget it - I refuse to concede any more than that! And don't think that all this talk of "we've done this before" is going to tip the scales in your favor! And another thing, we... [At this point, goofy-sounding music fills the castle. As Pearl and crew look around in confusion, a neatly dressed man in a bowler wanders through, tips his hat, and leaves.] Pearl: Huh. Observer: Huh. Bobo: Ahhhhhh. Haven’t we done that before? Pearl & Observer: BOBO!!! Bobo: SCREEECH!!! [Bobo runs out, chased by Pearl & Brain Guy, and the scene fades to black.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Field Trip Written by Stephen B. Ratliff Misting by: Matt Blackwell, Dean Carrano, Bill Livingston, Michael Neylon, Tom Salyers, and Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen Star Trek:The Next Generation and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright of Paramount Picture Corporation and Viacom. All rights reserved. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Certain song lyrics are the trademarks of and copyright of the Walt Disney Company. All rights reserved. The authors of this story would like to extend their condolences to Mr. Ratliff over recent events in his life. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount Pictures Corporation, The Walt Disney Company or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And now some messages for our compatriots in the occupied nations. Paula is a wonderful woman. Paula is a wonderful woman. Jim likes his trout sautéed. Jim likes his trout sautéed. John has a large mustache. John has a large mustache. The owls are not what they seem. The owls are not what they seem. "She's A Pest" was written by Bill Livingston. "Thank You, Ratliff" was written by Bill Livingston and Michael Wallen. Based on an idea by Matt Blackwell. Keep circulating the posts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The scene fades back in, revealing Deep 13. Doctor Forrester enters from the left, carrying a book.] Dr. F: [Not looking up.] Okay, Mike. It took a bit longer than I expected, but I finally found something for you. It's called "American Psycho" and it's by... [He looks up and a puzzled expression spreads across his face.] Mike? Little Friends? Hello? [He frowns.] Hrmph. They're gone. Oh, poopie. [He hits a button and the screen contracts with a ...] \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 12/24/98 Twang. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > "Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Jay sang. ------------------------------------------------------------------------