Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text! Episode #101: Team Revelation, Part 1 Group Editor: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara Additonal Edits: the various participants of #shoptalk (To whom many thanks are owed) Skits by Alicia Ashby and Matt Linkous MiSTed by: Antaeus Feldspar [afeldspar@cryogen.com] Alicia Ashby [lynxara@hotmail.com] Ben-San Arizona [unspokenname@hotmail.com] Amanda Berman [A3j1112@aol.com] Kenny Blackwell [Seijimei@webtv.net] Andrew Cadzow [cadz0001@algonquinc.on.ca] Spider [Spider256@hotmail.com] John Felix [oderusu@mscomm.com] Glazius Falconar [glaziusfalconar@email.msn.com] Jason Holland [BigSky553@aol.com] Damien Karolev [damienk@polarcom.com] Michael Leal [songoku@techisp.com] Newaz [tonnstatue@hotmail.com] Ryan Powers [Discord999@aol.com] Justin Rau [arsenal13@usa.net] Michael Rivman [MechaCrash@aol.com] Steve Savage [badger@infinet.com] Shelby Scott [sks1229@bellsouth.net] Hakan Svensson [d95-hsv@nada.kth.se] Betsy Tremaine [ninjakitty@team-rocket.net] Amanda Van Rhyn [avanrhyn.lnk@ispi.net] Chris Waters [waterstimberlake@erols.com] Jeff Yang [kikuko__inoue@yahoo.com] _________________________________________________________________ In the not-too-distant future-- That's someday, A.D.-- There was still a guy named Joel, Not too different from you or me. He was still trapped by Gizmonic Institute, A test case stuck in a red jumpsuit. Without Mike Nelson to take his place, Dr. Forrester still had him Locked up in deep space. I've sent him cheesy movies, The worst I could find (la-la-la). But he's sat there and watched them all, And he's still feelin' fine. (la-la-la). But don't think that means I can't break Joel - No, this is far from the end! (la-la-la) I'll just have to use some desperate tricks To destroy him and his friends! Robot Roll Call: (My robot friends!) Cambot! (The strong, silent type.) Gypsy! (Still in charge!) Tom Servo! (And I'm still a cool guy!) Croooow! (Oh, you *wish*...) So if you're wondering how he eats and breathes and why the continuity hack (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text!" [Guitar twang, and... open on the SOL Bridge. Joel is sitting on the standard control console in the lotus position, eyes closed. He has an even more profoundly relaxed look on his face than usual. Crow at his side with his spindly, otherwise rarely-seen legs twisted into much the same position. Tom is up on the countertop, too, but that's hardly any different from the usual.] JOEL [suddenly opening eyes]: Oh! Hey, didn't notice ya there. Well, welcome to the Satellite of Love, everybody. If you wanna know why it's so peaceful here today, well, I knew today was the day Dr. F was gonna start up his new mystery experiment on us. So, I decided I'd prepare for it by having the Satellite try out some deep relaxation techniques. Right now, we're meditating, and I'd say the little guys are taking to it really well. CROW [suddenly]: Joel! JoelJoelJoelJoel!! JOEL: What, Crow? CROW: It finally came to me, Joel! A mystic inner revelation, a profound immutable truth! JOEL: Really? Like what? CROW: Well, my spirit was floating upon the river of eternal peace, when I finally realized that, deep down in my soul, I think having to sit around like this is really stupid. My legs hurt, and this sucks. JOEL: C'mon, Crow, give it a chance. It'll be good for you! TOM: Look, could the two of you pipe down a bit, *please*? I'm trying to talk to *God*. [muttered] So, anyway, you were saying? CROW: Awww, how come he got to talk to God and all I got was leg cramps? JOEL: Are you sure it's God, Tom? The creator of the universe, spirit of absolute good and justice and transcendent peace and all that? TOM [sighs]: Nothing so *mundane*, Joel. I managed to contact the departed spirit of George Burns, and I'm trying to make the most out of the time he can share with me before his 4:30 lunch with Groucho Marx. JOEL: Oh, that's nice. Carry on, Tom. CROW: Joel, this bites. When is all this meditation going to pay off for me? JOEL: I dunno... maybe you need a little bit of inspiration! Hey, Gypsy, come read some of the sacred Tao to inspire Crow! GYPSY [O. S.]: Be there in a minute! [CROW falls silent, as Joel returns to meditation. Eventually, the camera pans in to focus on him.] CROW: Hoo, boy... we'll be right back, folks. [Crow manages to tilt over and bash an arm into the flashing Commercial Sign light.] [Commercials. Watch Dennis Miller and Damon Wayans sell out for 1-800-COLLECT!] [We cut back to the SOL. Joel, Crow, and Tom are in their previous positions, but they have their backs to the camera now, and are listening intently to Gypsy. She is reading from a book on a stand in front of her, doing her best to sound mysterious and profound.] GYPSY: The Richard Basehart that can be spoken is not the true Richard Basehart. OTHERS: Oooooooh. [They politely applaud, as Gypsy takes her bows. The Mads light begins flashing.] CROW: Um... hey, Joel, Speed Buggy and Jabberjaw are calling. JOEL: Oh, right. [Joel twists around, and taps the flashing light.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and Frank are standing in front of a large piece of canvas held up on an easel, covered by a piece of cloth. As per usual, Dr. F is evilly smug, and Frank is innocently clueless.] DR. F: Greetings, Jefferson Starship. I see you and your little wind-up toys have been trying to contact the mysterious rhythms of the universe, or whatever. Well, you just remember that while you sit up there, twisting yourselves like human pretzels and wondering about the sound of one hand clapping, Frank and I are preparing for the *true* second coming. [The camera pans back to reveal Forrester with HUGE teased out hair (think "Young Einstein"), a ripped up lime green tank-top and painfully tight leopard-spot patterned spandex pants. Frank is peering out from behind a massive set of drums, his hair also teased out but spit curl still in place - albeit larger than ever, thanks to the wonders of hair gel. Any trace of the Deep 13 lab is completely obscured by stacks and stacks of Fender amps, some of which could not possibly serve any purpose or connect to anything.] DR.F: The return of... GLAM ROCK!! [Forrester's voice echoes cheesily on cue and he starts playing badly along with his prerecorded lip-synch tape. Smoke machines begin filling the room, and the camera zooms wildly in and out from both Forrester and Frank. Forrester pouts and moves his fingers up and down the guitar in a profoundly spastic fashion, while Frank repeatedly attempts the Tommy Lee-style drumstick twirl. Naturally, he merely launches them into air behind him on every try, but he keeps picking them up and trying again like the little trooper he is.] [SOL.] CROW: Joel, is Dr. Forrester a transvestite now? JOEL: No, honey, he's John Bon Jovi. TOM: Or James Hetfield in the early nineties. GYPSY: He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that's gonna make us feel all right. [DEEP 13. Forrester and Frank stand sweating and drinking profusely from water bottles, as a pre-recorded standing ovation plays.] FRANK: Deep Thirteen, you guys ROCK! WHOO! [The entire audience, consisting of Jerry and Sylvia the Mole People, applauds enthusiastically.] FORRESTER: And I'll be seein' you tomorrow night, babe. [Forrester levels a chilling attempt at a sexy wink at Sylvia, who blushes profusely. Needless to say, that's disturbing too.] [SOL] TOM: Um... wow. CROW: Damn, Joel, can we come up with anything to counter the evil factor of *that*? JOEL: If once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. We can at least come up with something less stupid looking. TOM: Well, that goes without saying. [DEEP 13] DR. F: You think you can do better, neomaxizoomdweebie? Go on and *try*. [SOL.] JOEL: Why, thank you, sir, I think I will. Our invention this week is the Revamper. [Joel steps back, waving a hand over a machine that has conveniently appeared on the bridge console. It resembles a fax machine with no phone attached to a computer of some kind.] CROW: Y'know how the defining trait of the nineties has been to never, *ever* come up with an original idea if you can possibly help it? TOM: Resulting in waves of rehashed trends presented as 'new' in fashion, movies, and television, not to mention classics 'updating' themselves in much the same way Coca-Cola updated itself into New Coke. JOEL: Well, the Revamper takes that process and makes it *that* much easier. Just watch. [Joel holds up a head-shot of Eric Clapton from the early seventies.] JOEL: Here we have the electric guitar genius and all around classic rock god, Eric Clapton. Let's see what happens when you run him through the Revamper! [Joel inserts the photo through the machine. A new headshot emerges, this one of Clapton from his appearance on MTV Unplugged] JOEL: Oh, wow. Now he's a somber, acoustic bluesman who's soothing, melancholy sound is far more palatable to his aging audience. Anybody want to guess why? GYPSY: Because nothing is sacred? JOEL: Thats right, even the once-great American institution of rock and roll. Unless its-- TOM [Jumping up and down enthusiastically]: Oh, I know! I know! Hootie and the Blowfish! They rock in an extremely laid-back, conservative, sensible manner. JOEL: Yes. Good, friendly rock music that the whole family can enjoy. CROW: Hey, I've got something for the Revamper, too! How about if we ran through the delightfully cheesy Hanna-Barbera cartoon about the DC Superheroes, the Superfriends? It emphasized the wholesome virtues of friendship and understanding in a boringly non-violent way! [Joel pulls a Superfriends animation cel from behind the bridge, and then sends it through.] JOEL: Well, let's see here... hey, look at that! TOM: Did we get something cool, like 'Batman: The Animated Series'? JOEL: No... we got 'The Super Friends', about the zany adventures of Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Zatanna, and Black Canary as they share a pair of apartments in New York and drink coffee together. TOM: Well, at least the Wonder Twins aren't in it. JOEL: Indeed they aren't, Tom Servo. Crow, do you have an idea for the Revamper? CROW: You betcha, Joel! I wanna see what happens when you revamp the *greatest* videogame of all time! JOEL: Oh, Bubble Bobble? CROW: Er... no. TOM: Mega Man II? CROW: No. JOEL: Final Fantasy? CROW: *No*... TOM: River City Ransom? CROW: NO! I speak of *Pong*, you philistines, Pong! JOEL: Oh. Well, why didn't you just say so? [Joel pulls out a large, glossy screen shot photo of the classic Pong game in action, and runs it through the Revamper.] CROW: So, what's it like now? Does it have beautifully rendered CGI cutscenes or a sweeping romantic storyline or marketable fanservice characters or tons and tons of hidden secrets and subgames? JOEL: It's... still just Pong, Crow. CROW: What?! Come on, at least tell the graphics are better! TOM: Crow, it's Pong. Even if the graphics *did* get better, how could you tell? CROW: ... shut up, Tom. Joel, this invention sucks, I wanted to get Super Killer Neo Hyper DeathPong 2000 Alpha 3. JOEL: We all did, honey, but some things just can't be made hip. TOM [watching screen]: Wait... wait! This Pong has a built-in *modem* and web browser! It's thinking, I tell you! It's THINKING! THINKIIING! CROW: Joel, Tom's Charlton Heston chip is in overdrive again. TOM: NEO PONG IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEEEOPLE! JOEL: ... I think he's due for servicing, yes. Well, anyway, whaddaya think, sirs? [DEEP 13. The hundreds and hundreds of Fender Amps are now inexplicably gone, replaced with cheap, thoroughly trashed hotel furniture. Forrester sits on a lumpy couch, exhausted and shirtless, with a near-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Dr. F is practically swimming in 80's rock groupies - well, okay, it's just Sylvia in a T-shirt sitting sort of close to him - but he's lovin' it. Meanwhile, Frank is sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, apparently stoned out of his gourd or listening to Yanni.] DR. F: Frank, duuuuude... you still rockin', man? FRANK [mellow]: I'm a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride, man. [Frank's eyes then roll back into his head, and he passes out, flopping to the floor. Forrester looks at him for a second, then glances up at the screen.] DR. F: Whoa. Well, since I kinda can't afford to show you guys any more movies, I'm gonna send ya somethin' I found on some kid's website. It's a piece of Pokemon fan fiction called "Team Revelation", and it makes the Bible into a healthy wholesome breakfast treat the whole family can enjoy. Or something. Anyway, enjoy your suffering and stuff. Frank, send them the fanfic. [There is a long pause, in which nothing happens save Dr. F teetering dangerously on his seat and Frank twitching slightly on the floor.] DR. F: Oh. Right. [Dr. F taps the transmission button himself, then begins air guitaring spastically.] [SOL. The Movie Sign lights and buzzers are going off, with Joel and the bots panicking as per usual.] JOEL: Oh, no! WE'VE GOT MO-- er, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN! [6-5-4-3-2-1] [The three enter the theater, and take their usual seats.] TOM: At least we're getting something based off of a fun video game. JOEL: Sonic the Hedgehog was a fun video game too, Tom. TOM: ... point. >From: Arc Angels CROW : Arc Angellll, Arc Angelllll ... will you be miiiine ... >To: lynxara@hotmail.com >Subject: I've got a fanfic for you, if you're ready for it. Get >ready for a whole new breed of Pokemon Heroes! TOM: A new breed of Pokemon Heroes? Have they been spayed? >Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 14:59:12 -0400 >TEAM REVELATION JOEL : The revelation ... TOM: So revelatory, it had to be in ALL CAPS! >"Hand over the Pikachu, you little brat." Jessie exclaimed. James chimed >in. "This time we've got you!" CROW: Ash, having seen Jessie and James screw up 1,056 other times, just laughed himself sick >"Meowth! I told you guys this was gonna work." The feline Pokemon purred. TOM: Exclaimed, chimed, purred... can I please just get "said"? Just once? >Trapped in a deep hole with Pikachu by his side, Ash Catchem began to >panic. At the last Pokemon Center he'd been to, Team Rocket had somehow >gotten their hands on Ash's Pokeballs and replaced them with empties. JOEL : We've secretly replaced Ash's pokeballs with Folger's Crystals! Let's see if he notices the difference. CROW: I could make a tasteless comment about emptying his balls, but I won't. You're welcome. TOM: I could also comment on James getting his hands on Ash's balls, but I won't. JOEL: Guys, it's a bit early to be starting this... >To >make matters worse, Misty and Brock were presently ensnared in >a net hanging from a nearby tree, hopelessly entangled and unable to reach >their Pokemon. Still worse, Jessie and James had on those annoying rubber >suits. TOM: Which, ironically, they were wearing for recreational purposes. >For the first time since the St. Anne, Ash thought he might >actually lose to Team Rocket. CROW: Ouch. Losing to Team Rocket is like getting beaten up by Wesley Crusher. TOM: Yeah, or getting a black eye from Annie Potts. >"I'll never give up Pikachu!" Ash boldly protested. JOEL: Give me Pikachu, or give me death! >"You don't have a choice. Hand over Pikachu or we'll fill that >hole with Acid and Sludge. CROW : Jessie, where'd we put the acid? TOM : Why, it's right here in my backp... uh-oh. >Either way, we win." James gloated as he held up his >trademark rose. JOEL: Meanwhile, Pikachu was slowly crawling to safety. "To hell with the kid," Pikachu thought to himself . >Two seconds later, a fireball exploded from a nearby >tree, setting the rose hopelessly on fire. James screamed and dropped the >flower into the pit. CROW: Uh-oh. The plot just erupted. >After he recovered from the shock he'd received, >James glared into the forests where the fireball originated, looking just >about ready to kill someone. JOEL: James Hallendale: truly a menacing, dark figure of terror. >"Who did that!?!" James looked ready to cry. "Who torched my rose!?!" CROW: James and the Flaming Rose. Sounds appropriate somehow JOEL : Dammit! That rose was my best friend! >With that, the sound of a pokeball retrieving it's Pokemon could plainly be >heard, then four figures stepped out of the woods. The one in the lead >appeared to be wearing a silver jacket over a Team Rocket uniform. TOM: ... JOEL : Oh no, scabs! CROW: Welcome to POKEMON ... is ... JERICHO!!! TOM: ... dammit, my head's going to end up exploding again before this is over, isn't it? *Isn't* it?! JOEL: Tom... just stay calm. Your head can't explode unless you *let* it explode. TOM: Oh, that's easy for *you* to say. If your head explodes, you get to know the sweet embrace of death. JOEL: ... um... let's move on. >"Hey, look. It's team rocket-scientists." The leader of the team joked. One >of the two boys behind him shook his head. CROW: Causing a rattle. >"You guys just don't know when to throw in the towel, do you?" >Then a young girl's voice chimed in. "I guess we'll just have to teach you >to respect other people's property." TOM: "On behalf of the moon, we will punish you!" [pause] TOM: ... Kill me, please. >Jessie, by now looked just about as boiled over as James. JOEL: A watched Jessie usually never boils >"Who do you think you are?! No one insults Team Rocket and get's away with >it!" JOEL: Um, no, plenty of people do. CROW: Actually, most people insult them, leave them with crippling injuries, and *then* get away with it. >"Don't worry. We'll tell you who we are..." shortly after, theme music for >Team Rocket began to play. TOM: Good thing they brought their own audio equipment. >"Hey!" Meowth thought out loud. "I thought I left the tape player in the >balloon." CROW: IT IS BAA-LOOOOOOOON!!!! TOM: That would be a speech balloon, considering how the fourth wall has been doing so far. >"TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEMONIC POWER." The leader said. JOEL: *What*? CROW: Oh god, no. TOM: Please, nonononoo... JOEL: Yes, banish the Great Satan that *is* Team Rocket! CROW: If Team Rocket is Satan then I don't see why we needed Jesus. >The younger >one with a blue R on his uniform continued. "TO RESCUE PEOPLE IN THEIR >DARKEST HOUR." JOEL: "TO DESTROY JAMES' FAVORITE FLOWER." CROW: Oh, wait, I get it. They're happy, shiny, nice Team Rocket! TOM [sighs]: In brightest day, in blackest night, no crappy SI shall escape my sight. >"TO PRONOUNCE THE POWER OF OUR CREATOR'S LOVE!" Stated the third boy, who's >R was bright green. JOEL : What the world needs now is love, sweet love... >"TO EXTEND THAT TRUTH TO THE STARS ABOVE!" >Concluded the young girl, who's R was intense neon blue. JOEL: What is a MILD neon blue? CROW: Yes! Haha! Prepare for color-coded JUSTICE! >"RYAN!" >"DEVAN!" >"GARRETT!" JOEL: Sneezy! Happy! Dopey! TOM : KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! >"And don't forget JENNIFER!" CROW [sighs]: Oh, who CAN forget Jennifer... >They had all stepped into the light now and their features were >clearly defined. Ryan and Devan both had dark black hair and deep >green/brown eyes. TOM: Um, this is outdoors, I think, isn't it? ... ah, hell, it's already *starting*. JOEL: Oh, you'll make it. >Garrett bore flashy blond hair and saffire blue eyes. Jenna's curly golden >hair fell at her sides with notable length, and her shadowy brown eyes >twinkled with excitement. JOEL: Ah, an almost Ratliff-ian detail to the characters' hair. >They all had on Team Rocket uniforms with >only one minor difference, that down the flat side of the R, in >white letters, were the words "TEAM REVELATION". TOM: Which, at that distance, were impossible to read, but trust us on this one. >"WE ARE TEAM REVELATION, SWORN DEFENDERS OF THE GOSPEL OF >JESUS CHRIST." Ryan and Devan stated collectively. CROW: We kick ass for the lord! >"WE'LL MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON'T WIN THIS FIGHT!" Garrett >and Jennifer finished the comprehensive motto with more spunk than you can >shake an Onix at. CROW: ... I'm saying nothing. That's just too easy. TOM: Words fail me. They completely fail me. >For a few moments, Team Rocket just stared at their adversaries, then burst >out in hysterical laughter. TOM : Someone stupider than us! Wheeeee! >"Mind telling me what's so funny?" Garrett glared at Team Rocket angrily. CROW : Your silly outfits and that stupid mott-- hey, wait a minute... >"Don't tell me you twerps actually believe all that church stuff." James >stated, still laughing. Jessie went on, saying. "These brats are dumber >than Ash, Misty, and Brock put together!" CROW : Um, that STILL makes them smarter than us... >"HEY!" The trio screamed in unison. JOEL: Ow. Nice harmonization. >"We'll teach you losers not to mess with, the-one-and-only, TEAM ROCKET!" >Jessie and James hurtled their Pokeballs straight >at Team Revelation, who were now reaching for their pokeballs as well. TOM : Goodness gracious, great pokeballs of fire! CROW : We've got the biggest pokeballs of them all! >"Arbok! >Weesing! Put these goodie-two-shoes out of commission!" JOEL : Goodie two, goodie two, goodie goodie two shoes... TOM : Weesing siamese if you please... CROW : Issing, youssing, weesing together.. >"We'll show you!" Ryan commanded, his pokeball flying out of his hands. >"Charmander! Show 'em who's boss!" TOM: Bruce Springsteen? CROW: If Tony Danza shows up, I'm gone. > "Ghastly! Go!" > "Staru! Do your stuff!" > "I choose you, Pikachu!" JOEL: "Uh... we're not the witty members." >*Chapter 2* > "Weesing! Poison gas these showoffs!" James yelled, still a little >peeved about the rose. JOEL: "Peeved About The Rose": The new album from Jewel. CROW: Aww... poor James was deflowered. [pause] CROW: What? >"Arbok! Glare attack that Pikachu. It might be worth as much as >the twerps Pikachu." Jessie added. CROW : Teacher! Arbok's looking at me funny! >The two poison Pokemon sped across the battlefield with fierce >intensity, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake. Arbok's eyes >began to glow as Weesing let out a blast of poison gas. TOM: Cool! Arbok's about to go SSJ! CROW : Oooo ... pardon me. JOEL: Okay... guys, can we make poison gas riffs that *aren't* about flatulence? TOM: Eh, just let him get it out of his system. > "Charmander! Flame Thrower now!" CROW : Are you implying that I use *prosthetics*?! > "Ghastly! Hypnosis on Arbok now!" JOEL: So, Ghastly pulls out a watch and says "You are getting sleepy, very sleepy..." >Charmander jumped out of the way of a huge gas cloud and ignited his flame >thrower, aiming for the part of the cloud nearest Weesing. There was a huge >explosion that sent Weesing flying into the pit. TOM : OW! Um, guys? I think I'm bleeding internally now... CROW : Looks like Wheezing's farting off agaiiiiiiiiiin! [Joel audibly sighs.] >"Hey!" Ash screamed. "Watch where you're attacking! I almost got hit by a >two-headed fart!" Misty let out a little giggle. [There is stunned silence.] TOM: Did Terrence and Phillip write this fic? JOEL: Now *that's* an invention... the Amazing Self-Riffing Fan Fic. >Ghastly's hypnotic waves slowly faded into view as Arbok lunged >at it. Of course, Arbok passed straight through the vapor Pokemon, getting >a rock stuck in it's jaws. JOEL : D'OH!!! TOM : Hey! Let the Rock go, you slithery jabronie! >Weesing floated back out of the hole, only to be >hit from behind by an air born Staru. James was unable to evade >the collision with his huge Pokemon. TOM: At least James is in-character. As dumb as ever. >Meanwhile, Jennifer was having the time of her life playing "Keep Meowth in >the Air". Pikachu's thunderbolt blasted Meowth >each time the Pokemon began to fall to the ground. CROW: Whoa! Jennifer's Pikachu is a real dickweed. TOM: Yes, as we all know, electrical pressure is *so* incredibly powerful... JOEL: It's... uh... *holy* lightning. >"Charmander! Flame Thrower Jessie and James!" Flames erupted from >Charmander's mouth, incinerating Jessie and James's electric-proof suits. JOEL: ... and their flesh CROW: So... they're naked? TOM: I have mixed feelings about that possibility. CROW: Naked singed Jessie, Tom. TOM: Yeah, but James is TINY. JOEL: Guys, we're getting into a real weird area here... >"I told you we should have these suits fire proofed!" Jessie wailed when >the blast stopped. The charred suits barely clung to their scorched corpses >in small shreds. ALL: ... TOM: Corpses?! What happened to Thou Shalt Not Kill? JOEL: Apparently, Team Revelation has about the same religious ideals as the Crusaders. CROW: ... and how can they be talking if they're corpses?! JOEL: Just don't think about it too hard, honey. >"Staru! Water Gun Attack!" The hydraulic pillar struck Team Rocket head-on, >easily blowing away the remains of the Anti-Pikachu suits. It was a miracle >that Jessie and James hadn't gone into shock. TOM: Ah, the good old tradition of torturing the nonbelievers. JOEL: So, they're dead but not shocked. And naked. CROW: And wet. Mmm... >Then Meowth >landed on Jessie's head, causing her huge mess of hair (or what >was left of it) to stand straight up with static cling. JOEL: Uh.. right. CROW: Ha! it's wacky! TOM: Um... Hello? Physics? JOEL: "Physics isn't in right now. Please leave a message at the tone." >From the ashes of the Anti-Pikachu suits, Ash located his four >pokeballs. During the flame thrower attack, he had climbed up out of the >pit, (a miracle he could only attribute to falling in holes so often,) and >was now ready for action! CROW: But action wasn't ready for him! TOM: So... he could have escaped the pit at any time. JOEL: And I thought all his balls had been replaced with empties... >"I'll take it from here. Pikachu, it's blast off time!" TOM: Which Pikachu? JOEL : Blast off yourself! >"Pi...Ka..." Sparks began to build on Pikachu's cheeks in preparation for a >powerful Thunderbolt. "CHU!!" CROW: Gesundheit. JOEL: Thunderbolts are GO! >Electricity ripped across the open plane, sending Jessie, James, Meowth, >Weesing and Arbok hurtling towards the sky. TOM: Again, because of the massive kinetic force of electrical discharges. JOEL: Maybe Pikachu makes big chunky electrons. >"We're blasting off again...!" Team aerospace collectively stated. CROW: Team Fokker is blasting off again! TOM : I can see my house from heeeeere!! >*Chapter 3* > "Who are you guys? Thanks for saving me and Pikachu, but I usually >like to know who it was that saved my tail." Ash >asked. JOEL: "Oh, we're just the Regularly Scheduled Self-Insertions. Pleased to meet you!" >Pikachu waved across the field at Jennifer's Pikachu, who sat there, >blushing. TOM: Ah, a Pikachuette! CROW: That, or he's gay. >"Wish we could stay and chat, Ash, but we gotta run. Talk to Professor >Oak!" Ryan shouted out as the members of Team Revelation began to run off >into the shadowy woods from whence >they came. CROW: Yes, ask the man who regularly forgets his grandson's name. TOM: Four SIs were filming in the woods. A year later, this footage was found >"Hey, Ash!" Misty wailed. " Get us down from here!" CROW : You don't get down from here, you get down from a duck. >Ash, however, began to smirk. JOEL : What do I get in return? TOM: Ha! Ash is cruel! It's wacky! >"I don't know, Misty... I kinda like you better this way." CROW : Cool! Pinata! JOEL: Brock then got himself down and beat Ash to a bloody pulp. >"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Misty screamed. TOM: Yeah, you're not kidding, Misty >After helping Misty and Brock down from the net, the trio resumed their >journey. After about five days, they came to a small town deep in the >forest. Ash remembered what Ryan had said and decided to call Prof. Oak. JOEL: It took him *five* *days* to get around to doing that, folks. CROW : Professor, who were those sadistic idiots? >"Oh, hi Ash. How are things going?" Professor Oak said, tinkering with some >kind of device at the bottom of the screen. CROW : Um... Professor? Picture phone. JOEL : ... oh, dear. TOM: Hey, the Professor's tinkering with the plot device! >"We're all doing fine, Professor. We picked up that Pokemon photographer, >Todd, in the last town, your new Pokedex upgrade >is working fine,..." Ash continued to ramble off recent events. >" Ash, is there any particular reason you're calling?" Oak interrupted. TOM : To advance the plot, such as it is. >"Well, uh, I..." Ash mumbled. "Professor, what do you know about Team >Revelation?" CROW : You met them?! RUN! RUN! >"You've met Team Revelation? Goodness, those kids are fast!" JOEL : I'll say. They got their rocks off and left me wanting more, the jerks. [Pause. Crow and Tom proceed to stare at Joel.] JOEL: What? >"So you do know about them!" Ash said, just a hint of eagerness >in his voice. >"Firstly, the reason I know who they are is because I trained them. The >team's primary purpose is to counter Team Rocket, as >well as discover the identity of Team Rocket's boss so we can shut them >down. ALL: ... JOEL: I think it might be time to send the Professor to a "retirement community." TOM : So, uh, the whole religion thing was what, exactly? >They're a family >team, meaning they're all each other's siblings, and so far as >I can tell, the only types of Pokemon they don't have are Ice and >Fighting." JOEL: So... Earth, Wind and Fire? >"Professor, when I met them, they sounded like really into religion and >stuff. What's up with that?" CROW : Yo, what up wit dat, q-dawg? TOM : Oh, they're all related to some person named Ned Flanders. >"I take it you heard their motto, in that case." Oak sighed. " >I really don't understand them. They just have this obsession about Jesus >and all." JOEL : Feh, they should worship Moltres, the pagans! >"I thought ever since Pokemon showed up, all that religion stuff became >outdated." TOM: SUBTLE MESSAGE HERE, FOLKS... CROW: BOW TO THE PIKACHU! BOW! JOEL: Well, it *is* easier to collect Pokemon than find God. >"Well... Ryan has this idea that people just used Pokemons' growing >instantly as an excuse. He says that Pokemon don't evolve, they mature >similar to people. He and I have butted heads on the issue a lot, but to be >honest, he does have some very good points. TOM: And... Professor Oak, greatest Pokemon Researcher on Pokemon Island, gives in to a 12-year-old on scientific issues. >His views are actually >getting quite a following, or so I hear. There's even rumors of >Christian Pokemon Trainer Support Groups popping up all over the place and >it's causing quite a heated debate." JOEL : So we're having all those pesky Christians thrown to the Growlithes! >"Wow! I didn't know church stuff could be so powerful." CROW : Now I know! TOM : And knowing is half the battle. ALL : G. I. Joe... >Miles away, a huge impact was heard in the deep of the forests. >Pidgeys and Spearows quickly flew away from the maddeningly loud sound. JOEL: The Martians had landed. Their walkers dispersed >When the >dust cleared, several mutated, disfigured extraterrestrial beings climbed >up out of the deep chasm in which they had landed. TOM : WE COME FROM FRANCE. >"Meeeowwth. I don't feel so good..." Acidic compounds then erupted from the >creature's huge mouth, accompanied by many guttural moans. JOEL: So... a hairball. CROW: Eh, they all look-like non-vital organs from here. He'll be fine. >"You know," James said as he recovered at the edge of the pit. >"You really oughta see a doctor about that." >"If he doesn't stop soon, I'm the one who's gonna need a doctor." Jessie >stared at the clumps, shades of green coming to >her face. TOM: Funny, Meowth's chronic projectile vomiting was never covered in the show... JOEL: Probably got covered in one of the manga. You know how those kooky Japanese love to draw cats puking their lungs up. TOM: ... see, it scares me that I can't tell if you're joking or not. >After Meowth and Jessie recovered from their uphill (or is that >upchuck) battle with air sickness, Mondo found the team and began the long >and strenuous process of putting everyone back together. After a few hours, >the members of Team Rocket looked >pretty well cleaned up. CROW: Mondo? TOM: The guy from Generation X? JOEL: I hear "Mondo" is Swahili for "Plot Hole." >"I still can't believe we was dat close," Meowth indicated what >he meant using two of his three fingers. "And we still didn't get that >blasted Pikachu!" TOM: And this is different from the status quo exactly *how*? >"Someone's going to pay for this!" Jessie screeched, her face turning red. >"If it weren't for those meddling kids!" James screamed, JOEL: And their dog! >thinking about his lost rose. >" Hey, James," Meowth chimed in. "I think you got casted for the wrong TV >show! Scooby-dooby-James! Ha,ha!" Meowth teased. James turned red as Meowth >broke down in laughter. JOEL: ... TOM: I find this deeply, deeply disturbing. CROW: Why are we even *here*? >"It's not my fault! Go insult Ryan Edgerton, not me. He's the one writing >this story!" James weakly retaliated. TOM: Don't have to ask me twice! JOEL: He wasn't talking to you, Servo. TOM: Awww... >Suddenly, Jessie bashed them both over the head with her trademark mallet. >(I love being the author-R.E.^_^ ) CROW: Alright, just throw James into the Spring of Drowned Girl now and finish cramming the wackiness down our throat. JOEL: Hey, it's not like anyone could tell the difference. >Would you two clowns stop goofing off! We need to come up with >a plan to get back at Team Revelation!" TOM: So, is this where James and Jesse make a deal with Satan? >"That's right!" James boldly stated. "No one uses OUR theme music and get's >away with it!" CROW: But your theme music's public domain! TOM: That's what Team Rocket gets for being too cheap to hire a good composer. >"And while we're at it, we'll steal all der Pokemon!" Meowth chorused. JOEL : AAAARR!! We be the scurviest pirates to sail the seven seas! >*Chapter 4* > Not far away, out by the dusty roads leading into the city, a huge dust >cloud began to form out by the horizon. Within the course of a >minute the dusty storm had crossed over the road and was heading to the >opposite horizon. TOM: So... dust. CROW: Lots of dust. JOEL: And after that, more dust. >What could possibly go so fast. What do you think this is, a Roadrunner >cartoon? TOM: More like one of those Chuck Jones cartoons where you could see the artist's paintbrush. >"Hey, Ryan!" Devan called to his older brother. "Where did you >say we got these hoverboards?" CROW : I stole them from a Spice Girls video! TOM : Some kid named McFly let me borrow it! >"Professor Oak wanted us to field-test them. I promised I wouldn't scratch >the paint, so be careful!" He called back. The >four silver hoverboards glinted in the hot desert sun. JOEL: Professor Oak trusts four religious fanatics that question his knowledge with THIS. CROW: That's no worse than somebody trusting Professor Oak to take out Team Rocket. >"Hey, Ryan! What's our next objective?" Jennifer called out. TOM : To further screw up continuity! CROW : To kick arse for the Lord! JOEL : Same objective it's always been... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! >"I don't know. The Professor said he'd call us when we reach the next >town." Ryan turned to Garrett. "How's our supplies doing?" TOM : Uh... I thought you had the supplies... >"I recommend we restock at the next town. Also, I hear there's >a small-town gym there. Up for some action?" JOEL : But, I thought you needed a hotel for some act--Oh, you mean Pokemon fighting! >"You bet!" Ryan grinned. How long had it been since he'd faced >a gym trainer? This was going to be fun! CROW: Actually, Brock is technically a Gym Leader, so it's been all of five hours since you faced one. Nyah. >"Hey, Ash, isn't there a Pokemon gym in this town?" Misty asked. TOM: ****SCENE CHANGE**** JOEL: GYAH! Don't do that! >"Yeah, but it just got started up and they don't even have any >badges." >"What really surprises me about that gym is that they're also the only >Pokemon center in town, too." Brock stated. CROW : Which means there's going to be a Nurse Joy and a cute Trainer in the SAME BUILDING! YEESS!! >"Talk about monopolizing!" Misty stated. TOM: So, it's run by Rockerfeller, eh? CROW : Brock always takes all the girls and doesn't leave any for *me!* >Suddenly, Ash felt a hand tap him on the shoulder. Turning around, Ash, >Misty, Brock, Todd, and Pikachu came face to face >with- "Team Revelation! How are you guys doing?" Ash welcomed the heroic >quartet. Ryan and Ash exchanged high fives. JOEL : I'll trade you this vintage 1953 high five from your 1975 version! TOM : Sure! >"We're OK, how about you guys?" >"We were just on our way to the Pokemon gym. Where are you headed?" JOEL : Um, Duh? >"One in the same." Ryan said. "I can't wait to challenge that gym leader!" TOM : We don't know anything about him, but ... >"Good luck! I'll be cheering you on." Misty said enthusiastically. Then she >saw the hoverboards. "What are those? Surfboards?" CROW: No, they're leftover scene props from Back to the Future 2! TOM: No, those are ironing boards, you nitwit! JOEL: Misty, knowing water, suspects surfboards in the desert. >"Professor Oak's latest toy." Ryan said, holding up the hoverboard. Then >Garrett chimed in. "These bad boys can reach land speeds of 90 miles an >hour!" CROW: Wouldn't you fly off the board at that kind of speed? JOEL: Even if you didn't, you'd suffocate in the windstream in no time. CROW: Good. >"WOW!" Todd yelled. "Can I get a picture of you guys on those things?" TOM: Todd, you sell-out. JOEL : These'll look great on the wanted posters! >Once the photo session completed, the eight friends headed straight for >the Pokemon gym. On their way, Ash and Ryan fell into a deep >conversation. CROW: I'm taking bets on the Gospel getting mentioned. TOM: I ain't taking sucker bets, Robot. >"So..." Ash began. "You guys really believe all this Jesus stuff, don't >you? JOEL : No, I use it to get chicks. CROW : You losers. Pikachu is the only true god! >"With all my heart. It's hard to explain, but God's just changed my life >around so much." Ryan did his best to explain. >"Think about Gary. That's the way I was before I met Jesus; greedy, >self-serving, pushing others to the bottom so I could get to the top, need >I say more?" TOM : So you changed how? >"When you put it that way, I wish Gary would become Christian." >Ash chuckled. "But seriously, becoming Christian makes that much of a >difference?" JOEL : Not really. But it makes for good PR. >"It makes a world of difference, Ash. It's not even about "becoming >Christian", it's about finding a purpose, seeing what >the entire world has chosen not to see since the beginning of time. It's >about a completely open line of communication between you and God." CROW : Mother Theresa, please hold. The inane SI's are on line 1 again ... >"Whoa..." Ash exclaimed. "I always thought it was a set of rules that were >supposed to get you into heaven." TOM : That too, and laughing at sinners in hell. >"People have a lot of misconceptions about Jesus. In some parts >of the world, people are being killed, by their own governments, simply for >owning a Bible." >"Why doesn't God protect them?" JOEL : Uh ... uh ... um... >"In lots of cases, He does. But keep in mind who spiritually owns the world >right now." CROW : Bill Gates? >"So, it's the governments' faults?" TOM: The government rules us on a spiritual level?! >"Yes, and no. When I said someone owns the world, I was talking >about Satan. He's doing everything possible to either own people through >sin, or kill them through his control over mankind. He hates us, Ash, >because God made us to be His sons and daughters, children made in His >image." CROW : So why does Satan do this? JOEL : Uh, uh, er... >"Why doesn't God just destroy Satan?" JOEL : Because if it wasn't for Satan, we wouldn't have Dirt Devil vacuum cleaners, and the world would be covered in dirt and grime. CROW : Besides, then we wouldn't have anyone to blame things on! >By this time they were within walking distance of the Pokemon gym. Misty >decided to change the subject of the conversation. TOM : Damn, and I wanted to ask about Cthulhu! >"Um, just curious, but does anyone know what kinds of Pokemon this gym >trains?" CROW : Uh... ones that fight and stuff? >Apparently, no one had any idea. Right outside of the door, the two teams >of Pokemon trainers stopped. Above the door, in neon green letters hung a >sign that >said "Rock & Roll gym and Pokemon Center." The building itself >was shaped like a huge, black, Pokeball. TOM: So, it's a retro-80's Pokemon gym? JOEL: If I see Paula Abdul or Belinda Carlisle, I'm gone. >"Who designed this place?" Devan asked. Ryan began to wonder what kind of >Pokemon maniacs waited for him inside. However, Ash and Ryan were >determined to beat the gym leader. CROW: With whips and chains. >Passing by the front desk of the Pokemon center, Brock looked at the desk, >then hung his head and sighed. Misty asked him what was wrong. "Nurse Joy >doesn't work here. I feel cheated." >Brock mumbled. JOEL : Ha-ha! >*Chapter 5* > "So, you all want to battle us?" The female gym leader >asked. Between her wacky outfit, and the fact that all her Pokeballs had >flowers painted on them, she looked more like a hippe than anyone Ash had >ever seen. TOM: Verily beith she onne Hippe Catte! >"Not us." Misty called, walking to the stands with Brock not far behind. >"Ash here is your challenger." CROW: And the Gym Leader's name is Summer Moon Happiness Zappa. JOEL: It's a be-in for the Bongbadge! >"Thanks for the support, Misty." Ash mumbled. TOM : THANK yew for *yer* support. >"And if there's anything left of you guys when Ash gets through >with you, Garrett and I want a match." Ryan stated. >"Love the outfits, babe! Sure, we'll battle you." The middle aged "dude" on >the gym leader's right said with a rough, heavy >British accent. JOEL: ...so, Cockney, then? CROW: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster. TOM: Hey, it's Damian! Hi, Damian! >The match began. Ash and the female gym leader squared off, Pokeballs >ready. The gym leader made the first move. JOEL: Pawn to bishop 2. > "Go for it, Goldbat!" > "Pidgeotto! I choose you!" TOM : Awright, jeez! You don't have to *yell* at me... CROW : Yes, I'm *so* sure verbal abuse will make me fight better. >The two aerial Pokemon swooped, darted, and attacked each other >so fast Ash could barely see the battle unfold. JOEL: Actually, they were moving rather slow, but as per Gym rules, Ash had gotten stoned out of his gourd before battling. >"Pidgeotto! Attack from a distance with Gust!"As the powerful air waves >hit, Goldbat crashed headfirst into one of the gym walls. Dazed, but still >ready to fight, Goldbat once again took >to the air. >"Goldbat! Confuse Ray it now!" CROW: Somewhere, Ray Charles is confused. >A flash of light erupted from Goldbat's eyes, stunning Pidgeotto. Two >seconds later, Goldbat pummeled Pidgeotto to the >ground with a vicious wing attack. Pidgeotto slumped to the ground, >fainted. "Pidgeotto, return. Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" JOEL: Serve him a nice refreshing Thunderbolt! TOM: Intense! Delegating! ACTION! >"Pika-!" Pikachu shot up into the air, sparks building at it's >cheeks. >"CHU!!" The defeated Goldbat collapsed. >"Goldbat, return!" The gym leader held out her Pokeball to retrieve >Goldbat. "Go, Raticate!" CROW : Now it's time for a game of rat and mouse! >Suddenly, the lights in the entire gym went off. Misty, Brock, >and Team Revelation immediately went on the alert. When one of >the lights suddenly went on, who should step into the spotlight >but... JOEL: Joe Don Baker NUDE! Oh, the humanity! > "Prepare for trouble..." > "Make it double!" CROW : GET ON WITH IT! > "To protect -" Jessie was rudely cut short by both gym leaders. > "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!" They screamed in >unison. Undaunted, Jessie confronted them. TOM : We're here to steal all your pokemon! You should *know* this by now because this is what Team Rocket *does*. >"We're Team Rocket and we're here to take all your Pokemon." TOM: See? SEE?! >"Are you two losers completely out of the loop?" The male gym leader asked. >"Or maybe their just out of their minds!!" The other one suggested, heavily >enraged. JOEL: Angry hippies. The mind boggles. >"What are you two yuppies talking about?" James questioned. TOM: ... yuppies? CROW: ... so they're gym leaders in business suits with day planners? JOEL: "Can I pencil you in for a match sometime next week? Say, Wednesday at 3?" >"Do we have to spell it out! THIS GYM IS A TEAM ROCKET SHAM!" Cassidy and >Butch threw off their disguises, revealing their black Team Rocket >uniforms. CROW: You have to wonder why these people haven't conquered the world yet, really you do... >"In that case, we're gonna shut you down!" Devan stepped forward, Pokeballs >in hand. TOM: HEY! This is a family fic, dammit! >"What's this twerps problem?" Butch casually glared down at Devan. JOEL: Yes, Devan. He's here to kick ass and recite Scripture, and he's all out of Scripture. >"You're my problem, and I think it's time to clean house!" Devan shouted, >Pokeballs flying. "Squirtle! Ghastly! Abra! Attack Team Rocket!" CROW: Ooh, an Abra. I'm scared now. TOM: Hey! It'll fall asleep and run away, and if that ain't scary I don't know what is. >"You don't stand a chance, you little brat. Pokeballs, go!" Cassidy and >Butch hurtled four Pokeballs across the battlefield. Raticate, Drowsee, >Goldbat, and Fearow materialized at the edge of the arena. Goldbat, >however, flopped down on it's face. Cassidy called it back. >"Arbok, Weesing, Lickatung, go!" Jessie and James threw their Pokeballs. CROW: But Jessie shouldn't have pokeballs... not unless she's like RuPaul! >Meowth casually walked over to the group, humming a theme song >he'd heard on TV. Jessie and James got those little sweat drops. JOEL: James has a Lickitung... CROW: No comment. None. TOM: Actually, Jessie's the one who caught Lickitung. CROW: Saaaaaay... JOEL: No. We're not talking about any member of Team Rocket and Lickitung. Let's move on. > Now it was Team Revelation's turn. > "Geodude, go!" Ryan yelled, releasing his Pokeball. > "Bulbasaur, I choose you!" > "Go, Pikachu!" TOM: Must they always *yell* out yada yada, go fight? Can't they give battle commands in a reasonable tone of voice? >The battle began with Raticate and Meowth simultaneously attacking Geodude, >who did it's best to dispel the attacks with >Defense Curl. CROW: So... Geodude just kinda sat there and let them hit him, then. JOEL: Well, if I was sentient floating boulder with arms getting jumped by an oversized purple rat and an evil parody of the Japanese symbol of prosperity with an incongruous Brooklyn accent, I'd do that, too. CROW: ... sure, Joel. >Pikachu expertly aimed a Thunderbolt at Fearow, but was instantly struck >with a mirror move Thunderbolt. Ghastly sent Arbok flying backwards into >Lickatung with a powerful blast of >Nightshade, while Abra drove Weesing crazy by Teleporting away >every time Weesing attacked. TOM: YES! Wheezing is helpless before Abra's amazing powers of running and hiding! CROW: Unless James realizes he could just attack somebody else, in which case they're kind of screwed. JOEL: Please, could the author at least pretend he's not just reciting how his last three Pokemon games went? >Bulbasaur suddenly came to Geodude's aid, it's Vine Whip landing right on >Meowth's butt. TOM : HEY! At least buy meowth dinner first! >Raticate turned to face Bulbasaur, but was struck from >behind by Geodude. Geodude thanked Bulbasaur in Pokemon language and >resumed the battle. JOEL : Thank you, my friend! I shall never forget this act of bravery! TOM : Shut up! Bogeys at 3! >Out of nowhere, a blast of water struck Fearow straight in the >face. CROW: Squirtle, Urine Attack! JOEL: Crow, ew! >While Fearow was being attacked by Squirtle, Pikachu took advantage of the >situation. Charging up to full capacity, Pikachu let loose the full fury of >an electric storm, sending Fearow straight to the ground. TOM: Diarrhea is like an electrical storm raging inside of you... JOEL: Tom... >Just as Drowsee began sending out Hypnotic waves, Ghastly faded >away into an invisible mist. Drowsee slowly looked around, trying to locate >it's target. However, a quick lick on the face >sent Drowsee into Paralysis. Once again visible, Ghastly's hypnotic powers >went to work, putting Drowsee to sleep and out >of the battle. CROW: Wow! That's incredibly not thrilling! I am amazed at my complete and total lack of interest in what's going on! >All Charizard really had to do was hit Weesing with it's tail. >The poison gas Pokemon was out within seconds. TOM: Shouldn't Wheezing explode or something again, then? JOEL: Nah, I'm sure the author plans on having something else explosive injure Team Rocket this time. >"All right! Charizard's finally listening to me!" Ash said ecstatically. >Seconds later, a huge fire blast enveloped Ash, leaving one very crispy >order of fried Pokemon trainer. "Or... >I could be wrong." Ash said as he hacked up some smoke. JOEL: Wah-waaaaaaah-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. TOM: *POING!* CROW: *Laugh track* > "You guys ready to give up?" Jennifer asked. > "NEVER!" Both Team Rockets said in unison. TOM: ...technically, there's only one Team Rocket, and they're just agents of it, but what the hey. JOEL : Well, then we'll be forced to use the ultimate technique... the Bible Adventures NES cartridge! CROW: GAH! >"Well, in case you guys couldn't figure it out," Jennifer boldly stated. >"You've almost run out of Pokemon. You're past tense!" TOM: And Team Revelations is future imperfect. JOEL: Seconds later, Cassidy trotted out a six-foot cubic crate of Pokeballs marked "Danger: Scythers". >"This isn't over yet!" Cassidy glared down at them with hatred >in her eyes. CROW : I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your Scripture! TOM : I'll get you next time, Gadget!! >"You guys are done like dinner!" Devan shouted. "All right. Everyone, >combine your attack power on Team Rocket!" Ryan called out. JOEL: Let our powers combine! Earth! CROW: Fire! TOM: Wind! JOEL: Water! CROW: Heart! TOM: By your powers combined, I am the Reverend Captain Pokemon!! >With that, Geodude, Bulbasaur, both Pikachu, Squirtle, and Ghastly let lose >with Earthquake, RazorLeaf, Thunderbolt, Water >Gun, and Nightshade. The combining of all these attacks at once >was incredible, to say the least. Within seconds, the only reminder that >Team Rocket had ever been in the room was the hole in the ceiling left by >the combo attack power. CROW: "Uh, yeah? I'll have a Combo Attack Power #2, with cheese..." TOM: And we kill five minutes with the combined attack sequence! JOEL: "Trust us! It was powerful! We didn't know how to describe it, but you can guess from the aftermath we show that it was really neat!" > "Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again...!" > "This is your fault!" Cassidy yelled at Jessie. > "SHUT UP!" Jessie and James yelled back. JOEL: Man. You could hit Team Rocket dead-on with a tac-nuke and they'd *still* just fly off into the horizon. CROW: Well, at least it ended like your average Pokemon episode... TOM: Yeah, yeah. Now, let's get out of here, all this gives me an idea... [1-2-3-4-5-6] [Open on the SOL bridge. Joel is standing there, looking like his usual good-natured sleepy-eyed self save for two deviations: 1) He's holding a Bible, and 2) He's wearing an almost perfect replica of the Team Rocket uniform, the only deviation being the fact that the 'R' has been replaced with a 'P'. Gypsy immediately wanders in from stage right.] GYPSY: Oh, Joel, I got those fuel expenditure reports you wanted, and AHHH! JOEL: Why, hello, sister Gypsy! GYPSY: Joel! You joined Team Rocket! How could you! JOEL [laughs]: No, no, my gentle purple friend. While I have appropriated the garb of the dastardly Rocket Gang, I have not joined their number. No, I have decided to use their evil devices in the service of good, by patterning my Team's uniform after their own. GYPSY [relieved]: Oh, good. So, what's your Team? JOEL: Inspired by the wonderful exploits of brother Edgerton and his fine young adventuresome siblings, I have decided to form my own Team that spreads the wisdom of God in a hip, entertaining, yet less combative fashion. I have formed... Team Proverbs. GYPSY: Oh! That's... sort of creepy, Joel. Exactly what does Team Proverbs do? [Joel opens the Bible and begins reading, a disturbingly content and serene expression on his face.] JOEL: "A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels to understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings." GYPSY: Uh... JOEL [laughs again]: Ah, the meaning of the words of the wise King Solomon are not always readily apparent. You see, sister Gypsy, I choose to bring enlightenment to the unwashed heathen by regaling him with quotations from the worthy Book of Proverbs. GYPSY: Wow, that's really... er... JOEL: Why, just listen to this! "Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; if thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord giveth wisdom; out of his mouth comest knowledge and understanding." Could there possibly be any words more inspiring? Don't you feel your spirit soar, sister Gypsy? GYPSY: Uh... yeah, sure. Whatever. Hey, Tom, I think you'd better come take a look at this... TOM [Off-camera]: I shall come and gaze upon it, one who is called Gypsy in this cycle, but I shall not see it. GYPSY: ... oh no. [Tom 'hovers' on camera. Like Joel, he too is dressed in a slightly modified Team Rocket uniform (well, the shirt part, anyway). However, in place of the customary 'R', Tom's outfit has a diamond-symbol in its place.] GYPSY: Tom! Not you, too! TOM: What? Oh, you gaze upon the rags that clothe my temporal form. Do not be alarmed, Gypsy. These are simply an outward manifestation of the inner enlightenment of the spirit that came to me once I joined Team Diamond Sutra. GYPSY: Aw, cripes... TOM: And why the Diamond Sutra, you ask, out of all the great and venerable texts on Buddhism written? Well, not only was the Diamond Sutra the earliest dated printed document in all of human history, but it sums up the central concepts of Buddhism so clearly and concisely! "Subhuti, wheresoever are material characteristics there is delusion; but whoso perceives that all characteristics are in fact no-characteristics, perceives the Tathagata." GYPSY: Uh... uh... CROW! Heeeeeeeelp!! CROW [shouted angrily, off-screen]: IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE BENEFICENT, THE MERCIFUL! GYPSY: Oh, Basehart preserve us, what *now*?! [Crow charges on-camera, also dressed in the top half of a modified Team Rocket uniform. However, the 'R' has been replaced with a squiggly Arabic-like letter, and Crow wears a makeshift Turban upon his head and carries a cardboard scimitar in one "hand."] CROW: I am Qro Al'Robaht of Team Overwhelming Calamity! I speak the praises of Allah! GYPSY [tired]: Oh, of *course* you do... CROW [continuing on, oblivious]: Has not there come to you the news of the overwhelming calamity?!! GYPSY: No, but I get the feeling that's going to change right about now. CROW: Some faces on that day shall be downcast, laboring, toiling, entering into burning fire, made to drink from a boiling spring!! They shall have no food but of thorns, which will neither fatten nor avail against hunger!! [Crow shakes with sheer enthusiasm as he delivers his speech, rattling his cardboard scimitar at Gypsy in a vague attempt at a threatening manner. Gypsy is, needless to say, not impressed.] GYPSY: Oh, to heck with you weirdos! I don't need this, not when "Grace Under Fire" is on... [Gypsy storms off-camera, inasmuch as she can. Joel, Tom, and Crow fall silent, staring after her in confusion.] JOEL: My, sister Gypsy seems unduly distraught. TOM: Her inner turmoil can only create karma that will bind her to the eternal Wheel of Birth and Death. CROW [shouting after her]: But whoever turns back and disbelieves, Allah will chastise him with the greatest chastisement!! [Tom suddenly snickers.] TOM: Hey, you sure you aren't with Team Redundancy Team? CROW: Surely to Us is their turning back, then sure-- hey! Don't make fun of Overwhelming Calamity! You take that back, Servo! TOM: Ah, but you see, I cannot take it back. It was no-action, for it was produced in the absence of clinging and craving to temporal objects... CROW: Tom, take it back right now or am I going to struggle for spiritual purity ALL OVER your puffy red hinder! TOM: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll set myself on fire in protest and go to Nirvana! So *there*! JOEL [soothingly]: Come now, brother Servo, brother Robot, there is no need for violence. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." CROW [oblivious]: Yeah, well, Kurt Cobain sucks! JIHAD!! [Crow then proceeds to vengefully begin flailing into Tom. For the first few moments, all Tom does it take the hits...] TOM: Ow! Ow! Quit that, you jerk, you know I can't fight back! Ow... ow... OW! All right, that's it! I don't care if I never find enlightenment, so long as I get to kick your ass first!! [Tom lets out a howl of anger, inasmuch as he can, and begins vengefully flailing back at Crow.] JOEL: Brother Servo, brother Robot... [Joel sees that he is being ignored, and sets his Bible down so he can break up the fight.] JOEL: ... Tom! Crow! Guys, stop it right this instant! [After some pushing and shoving, Joel manages to move his body between the two rocking, socking robots.] JOEL: Guys, I wanted to go along with this, I wanted to let you have your way, but if all you're going to do is make holy wars on each other, then you're just not ready to have those religion protocols yet. CROW: He started it! TOM: Did not! CROW: Did too! TOM: Did not! JOEL: GUYS! Come on, inner peace and being kind to others is what finding a religion is all about! CROW [oblivious]: Boogerbutt! TOM [also oblivious]: Poopyhead! JOEL [sighs]: Look, you can sit here and make your holy wars on each other, or we can just forget about all this mess and go bake some nice RAMchips. [Crow and Tom pause in their insulting and threatening flailing.] CROW & TOM [in unison]: RAMchips? JOEL: Yeah. I even had a bag of chocolate chips waiting... [Tom and Crow suddenly dash off-camera. They return a few moments later, divested of their Team Rocket-esque uniforms, and rush across the bridge, pausing at the opposite side of the bridge.] TOM: Come on, Joel, why are you just standing there in that goofy outfit? CROW: Yeah! We could be baking RAMchips already! [The two robots then dash off-screen, as the camera pans back over to Joel, who is smiling knowingly.] JOEL: Kids and their fads nowadays, huh? [Joel chuckles good-naturedly and taps the commercial sign light before heading off after the bots.] _________________________________________________________________ TO BE CONTINUED... _________________________________________________________________ >"WE ARE TEAM REVELATION, SWORN DEFENDERS OF THE GOSPEL OF >JESUS CHRIST." Ryan and Devan stated collectively. Mystery Science Theater 3000 -- in Text! Episode #101: "Team Revelations, Part Two" _________________________________________________________________ [Commercials end, and the group enters the theater, taking their customary seats.] TOM: Are you sure the RAMchips won't be done until after the story? JOEL: Positive. TOM: Awww... >*Chapter 6* > "Hopefully that's the last we'll see of them for a while." >Jennifer hopefully stated. CROW: And, by saying that, Jennifer has ensured that the four of them will be recurring villains for the rest of the series. > "I hope." Misty added. >The gym lay in shambles. Almost every wall was either dripping, >scorched, or had huge craters in it. This was one Team Rocket scheme that >would never see another day. However, one surveillance camera, hidden in >the shadows, remained intact. TOM: Of course, being in the shadows, all it recorded was dark blurs. But dammit, it's the principle of the thing. > Looking at a video screen far far far away, Giovanni looked on in >silent disgust. > Who were these Team Rocket look-alikes that had fouled >up his latest plan? Not to mention beaten up two of his Rocket >Teams. JOEL : And what was that with Jessie and James and the Lickitung, anyway? Criminals nowadays... > The camera zoomed in on command, focusing for a second >on the leader's shirt insignia. >"Team Revelation. Hm..." Could these four kids be bought? Even >if not, their Pokemon were obviously valuable. Perhaps this defeat had >potential for a powerful victory. TOM: So he's gonna feed Team Revelations to Mewtwo and steal their Pokemon, right? Please? >"Crystal Dagger, please report to Giovanni's office." The intercom >requested. Mere moments later, an armor-clad woman dressed in black with >the Team Rocket R outlined in red on her >armor walked into Giovanni's office. Six Pokeballs hung at her >sides, all painted black. A huge sword hung in it's scabbard on >her back, the handle ornately decorated. CROW: Uh.. whadafuh? JOEL: Crystal Dagger? TOM: "Xena: Pokemon Princess." JOEL: Wait, since when does Team Rocket have a badass ninja death trooper drawn by Boris Vallejo? CROW: What bothers me is that Giovanni *has* a badass ninja death trooper working for him, yet somehow still sees fit to keep Jessie and James on the payroll. >"You called?" On the screen, Team Revelation's picture hung frozen on the >huge computer screen. > "My deadly assassin, these are your latest targets. They just shut >down our covert gym operation, TOM: Covert? It was painted bright colors and you could smell the pot five miles away! >as well as defeated Jessie, James, Cassidy, and >Butch. We're not sure whether or not they can be bought, so do >try to ascertain that before doing anything..." JOEL : Offer them Turkish Delight first. Only kill if that doesn't do the trick. > "Rash?" The assassin interjected. CROW : No, that cleared up, thank you... > "Quite. If they decide not to join our cause, then take >their Pokemon by any means necessary." The assassin's visor flashed as she >drew her sword from the scabbard half way. TOM : Oh, heck with it. They'll just backstab us anyway, so go ahead and kill them. >"Any means?" > Giovanni seemed to consider this for a moment, then sat >straight forward in his chair. > "Any means." CROW : Even... the Purple Box? JOEL : Yes... even the *Silly Putty* method. >"As you wish." Noiselessly, the shadow warrior exited the room. TOM: Funny, most shadow warriors I know of wouldn't be caught dead wearing thirty pounds of bright, shiny, armor... CROW: Either that, or... oh no, now this thing's gonna crossover with Rescue Rangers! >"So," Ash asked. "Where are you guys headed from here?" JOEL : Heaven! But is that where *you're* going? >"We'll be in town for a few days gathering supplies and checking that bogus >gym for links to boss Rocket." Garrett said. TOM: Wait, do they mean the gym that was blasted into a zillion pieces? How're they supposed to find anything *there*? JOEL : However, to get the links, all we really have to do is hit "View Source." >Jennifer continued his thought. "You'll see us again soon enough." > "We get around." Ryan added, saluting Ash. "See you guys soon." > "See ya!" Misty said as the three friends walked off down the >road. Once they were out of sight, Ryan addressed the >group. CROW : Okay... once more from the top! o/` One! Singular sensation, every little step she takes.. o/` >"O.K., we've got a few different tasks that need to be divided >up. Garrett, I need your computer skill to see if we can trace >the gym's recent phone contacts back to T.R. headquarters. JOEL : Seeing as how the phone is now a smear on the landscape, this task will be particularly trying. But I'm sure you can do it. >Devan, you and Jenna go >buy some supplies. Remember, we need food, antidotes, potions, >replacement parts for the hoverboards, and see if you can get a >good deal on Pokeballs. Meet back at the gym, say... 8:00." CROW: "Form 2 Parties." >"Oh, man." Devan complained. "We always get the boring jobs." After a >second or two of consideration, Ryan added, "and after >you guys get the supplies, see if there's any trainers you guys >want to battle in this town. You deserve a little fun." TOM: Yes folks, animal pit fighting is FUN! JOEL : Alright! We get to kick more ass for the LORD now! > "Thanks, Ry-chan!" Jennifer called back, already running down the >sidewalk. JOEL: Figures they'd be Team Otaku, too. CROW: I'm just waiting for a reference to "God-san". I would *not* be surprised if they were on a "san" basis with the Almighty. TOM: Feh. These munchkins would call him God-chan. > "Hey! Wait for me!" Devan screamed, running after his sister. >Garrett sat down at the computer phone, linked up his laptop, and began the >delicate task of comparing recent phone calls to the main phone directory. TOM: Garrett is Eddie Furlong as John Conner in Terminator 2! >If he found anything, such as a number that wasn't listed in >the government phone archives, he could connect to the other computer >phone's processor via the only licenced hacking equipment outside of the >CIA. TOM: I... see. So, exactly HOW did god-boy here get illegal hardware? Is there some provision where right-wing religious groups get special consideration? JOEL: No, Tom, it's because only ethical souls such as the CIA and right-wing religious groups should be allowed to have such power. >If it turned out that the phone had ever had contact with known >Team Rocket members, he could hopefully trace the call back to >it's point of origin. Most of the times this had been attempted >had never gotten up to this point. JOEL: Let's hope that the evil super-organization doesn't have any super-advanced technology... like firewalls. TOM: And if it ever had contact with any 900 numbers, he'll be writing those down too... >Only one person had ever come close to tracking down Team >Rocket headquarters. Garrett had traced a Rocket link to an abandoned >theater in the heart of New York's most vile region. CROW: Er... which vile region is this again? TOM: Manhattan? JOEL: Greenwich Village. >He should have realized things were too >quiet. By the time he found the bomb and the note that read "Prepare for >trouble", it had almost been too late. The only reason he'd gotten out >alive was because God still had plans for him. CROW : Oooobeey your master! Master! >Onix had died, sheltering >it's beloved trainer from the explosion. He would never forget >the spirit of self-sacrifice his Pokemon had shown him not so long ago. JOEL : ... And thus God gave his only begotten Onix. TOM: But, on the third day, Onix's spirit did Dig its way forth from his tomb... >This had all taken place before Team Revelation had been formed. At this >time in his life, Garrett was doing volunteer anti-crime hacking for the >local police department. JOEL: ... a police department sponsors volunteer anti-crime hacking? CROW: So he hacks into muggers' databases and... tells them not to take people's money? TOM: No, no, this makes sense. Hire some punk kid. That way, if he gets caught violating privacy laws, they can disavow knowledge and put his dumb ass away. JOEL & CROW: Ohhhhh.... >Team Revelation, even now, was actually a very >new project that Professor Oak and the Police Force had co-ordinated in >setting up. That was how Garrett had gotten involved in the planning stages >of the team. CROW: Covert operative Professor Oak. TOM : Now, I shall write a haiku in honor of the theft of sensitive information! >He had heard through the grapevine that Prof. Oak was >building an anti-Team Rocket team and that his oldest brother Ryan was >involved. TOM: "We need a new weapon in the war against crime! How about ... wimpy little 13-year-olds who channel Joe Friday and Pat Robertson?" CROW: If you have a problem... If there's nowhere else you can turn... And if you're an idiot... Maybe you can hire... Team Revelations. >How Devan and Jennifer had decided to join when they were >trying to make their way to the Pokemon League had been strictly an act of >God. JOEL: See, an earthquake forced their bus to take a different road, and it got caught in a tornado and touched down right in front of them! >Now that he thought about it, God had had his hands in Garrett's joining >the team, too. CROW: "And thus, did the Lord say, "I chooseth you, Garrett," and thus did He toss forth His mighty Pokeball, and so it was done. And on the seventh day, God rested." >Things came together, people voiced ideas, and >suddenly Team Revelation was born. TOM: Virgin birth, naturally. >It hadn't been easy leaving the Police Force, but looking back, >he realized he'd made the right choice. CROW: He'd become the helpless pawn of an omnipotent spirit, and that made him happy! >Suddenly, his laptop beeped. He snapped from his daydream to see, on his >computer screen, a dagger with a quartz handle stabbed through the middle >of a Pokeball. Below it were the words: "Prepare for trouble." TOM: ... this would be the slightly-more-covert-than-D-day assassin, I'm thinking. >His computer instincts warned him immediately that he was dealing with a >possibly fatal virus. JOEL: This guy thinks he's going to die from a computer virus, right? CROW: He's got Good Times! RUN! >What's worse, a Team Rocket virus, meaning they had >picked up on his "secure" link. Something had gone wrong. >Cleverly, he typed in "And make it double", hoping to trigger the virus's >shut down program. TOM: If that works, I am going to spank this fic. CROW: Wow... this author learned all about computers by watching the movie "Hackers." >He triggered something. JOEL: ... *KABOOM*? Please? >The text disappeared, replaced by a timer counting down from 60. He had one >minute to disarm this computer bomb or his computer and all the vital >information on it would belong to Team Rocket. TOM: So it wasn't all that "clever" after all, was it, Garrett? CROW: Hint, Mr. Hacker Guy: Your computer has an 'off' switch. JOEL: Garrett really should have read the ToS on Team Rocket's site... >All their efforts would be for nothing. TOM: You have to appreciate all the extra effort this story goes to in order to make sure any remote chance of tension or drama is killed before it can begin to assert itself. >*Chapter 7* > Garrett tried every part of the Team Rocket motto. No effect. He >launched his own personalized virus-hunter programs. CROW: His own personal copy of McAfee, that is. >Neutralized within seconds. He had to think fast. He had only 28 >seconds left. Garrett tried multiple descriptions of the computer graphic >on his screen. 10 seconds. Panic overtook him. JOEL: Garrett cleverly proceeded to wet 'em. TOM: And then the voice of God said, "Turn it off, you idiot." >Then, like the wind whispering to him, a word formed in his head. Quickly, >Garrett began typing "Revelation" into the computer. 7 seconds. 5 seconds. >3 seconds. The click of the Enter key was heard. The timer froze with two >seconds left to go. CROW : Oh, my heart. Let me recover from all that excitement. JOEL : Whew... whoops. All caps. *BOOM!* >Garrett heaved out a sigh of relief. This had been WAY too close. On the >screen, two red eyes faded into focus where the Pokeball and dagger had >been. Garrett stared in disbelief. The >virus program was still active!? TOM : But, but, I typed in the ironic thing and everything!! This virus isn't playing *fair*! >Text slowly scrolled across the screen: > "You're more clever than I thought. JOEL : Still dumber than a sack of hammers, but a fuller sack than I thought before. >This virus was a test. Meet me in Neon Town at the Silver Comet >Arcade." As the text vanished, the entire virus screen de-materialized, >revealing a warning window reading: "Internet >connection deactivated. Please restart computer and run anti-virus >programs." TOM : AAAGGHHHHH! Why me! God, how could you let me lose my Internet connection?! Why hast thou forsaken me?! >"Oh, shoot!" Garrett mumbled, forehead hitting the keyboard. TOM [grumbling]: Cue wacky f&*^%ing sound effects... JOEL: Maybe it's just me, but I don't think the entire membership of Team Revelation combined could out-think a box of hair. CROW: That depends, Joel. How big's the box? >"Here's your Potions and Antidotes. That'll be $23.50" Devan paid the clerk >and walked out of the Pokemon pharmacy. Jennifer >was waiting for him outside, a huge box of mechanical devices in her hand. CROW : Pssst... did you manage to get those... "special" Antidotes we talked about? > "About time you got back. I've been holding this box for a half an >hour!" Jennifer complained. > "Sorry! Anyway, I found a really good deal on Revives and Ice >Heal." JOEL : Oh, Garrett called on the cell phone and said to pick up some Virus Heal, too. >"Well, I forgive you," Jennifer sighed out the words. "But you >carry the spare parts to the gym. My back is killing me!" TOM : Whine, whine. You try carrying a CROSS twenty miles and *then* you can piss and moan about your back! >They exchanged boxes and walked back to the gym. On both sides >of them their hoverboards were stacked with groceries, some in >the cargo compartments, but most strapped down to the top of the >hoverboards. JOEL: Hoverboards have cargo spaces? CROW: Wow! Team Revelation has *luggage bungies*! Their gear is so cool, they *must* have the Lord on their side! >Devan and Jennifer each held a large ring tied to a silver band which >could be extended from the front of the hoverboards >leash-style. It came very much in handy for times like this. When at last >they got to the R&R gym, they all but dropped the >heavy groceries on the main desk. TOM: "Dear Sir: Pleeze give this orphaned produce a good home." >Devan and Jennifer were out the gym doors inside five seconds. >They couldn't wait to get out of the gym. Five minutes later, they were on >their hoverboards and heading for the most notorious battling arena in >town, a baseball field the locals had nicknamed "The Cage". JOEL: Corpses of the fallen littered the battlefield, the proud warriors now no more than food for the Spearows. >Hand over the Evees, punk." The bike driver grinded his fist into his hand. >"Don't worry,... we'll take good care of them." >The other two bikers laughed on cue at their leader's joke. ALL : Hah. Hah. Hah. >Sitting in the corner, a >young boy cradled four infant Evees. The boy had a large cut down his >forehead and was crying in fear. CROW: Infant Eevee? Man, this is far too kawaii for human consumption. TOM: Wow, what an utterly realistic depiction of the often ambiguous distinction between good and evil! > "There mine. You can't have them." > "Listen to the greedy little brat. Didn't your mamma teach you to >share?" JOEL: I think we're all going to learn a moral from this. >Across the field, two shadowy figures suddenly stood on top of >the bleachers. The older one spoke first. TOM : Yes, you SHOULD share with others! Give those men three of your Eevees or face the wrath of GOD! >"Didn't your mamma tell you not to take without permission? This is really >low, stealing Pokemon from a child." >"What part of "Thou shalt not steal" don't you guys understand?" CROW : Uhm ... the "not" part? TOM :Um, I sorta lost you at the 'Thou'... JOEL : Shalt, actually. I thought that was a laundry detergent. > The gang leader turned to face the unidentified intruders with >both surprise and annoyance in his voice. > "You got a problem? Whoever you are, your in deep-" CROW: Ah-ah-ah! Thou shalt not interrupt the SIs in mid-rant. JOEL : Oooh, bad language! We're not only gonna beat you up, we're going to wash out your mouth with soap! >Music began to play. The members of the gang began whispering about Team >Rocket. TOM: When did the Pokeverse get a Phantom Jukebox, anyway? JOEL: They're franchising those now, Servo. TOM: Ah. >"Prepare for trouble!" > "Make that double trouble!" Blinding light from the field lights >behind the two heroes suddenly illuminated the field. JOEL: "To protect the world from dev-diddly-astation!" TOM: "To unite all people within our na-diddly-ation!" > "To protect the world from demonic power!" > "To rescue all people in their darkest hour!" CROW: And in the time it took to recite the motto, the child had been killed and the Eevees had been stolen. > "To pronounce the power of Jesus's love!" > "To extend His truth to the stars above!" JOEL : And to, um, beat up people we don't like in the name of God! > "Devan!" > "Jennifer!" > "Team Revelation blasts off at the speed of light!" > "Surrender now; you can't win this fight!" TOM : I got a chaingun says I can. JOEL & CROW : Hah. Hah. Hah > For a while, the bike gang just stood there. Finally, their leader >broke the silence. > "What are you clowns supposed to be, the Team Rocket blue squad?" >All the bikers laughed. JOEL: A reasonable response, really. TOM: Very reasonable. >"You know, that's the second time that's happened to me this week," Devan >stated, annoyed. "And it's really starting to bug >me." >"Leave the kid alone," Jennifer yelled from the top of the stands. >"Unless you guys are in the mood for an all-out Pokemon war." ALL : Another Poke-war... >Bring it on, you prissy losers. Pokeballs, go!" After the entire group had >sent out their Pokemon, only a Raichu, two Geodudes, and a Raticate stood >on the field. CROW: Just wait! Team Revelations is gonna use the Jesus Stones to transform the Eevees into Holyons! > "That's all you've got? Squirtle! Ghastly! Attack!" > "Pikachu! Dratini! I choose you!" TOM: Thrill as they *yell* things! Marvel at the total lack of description! >The two Geodudes immediately attacked Pikachu, who evaded the attacks with >Agility. While the Geodudes were following Pikachu >around, Dratini let lose with a powerful surf attack. Both Geodudes were >swept away under the powerful current. JOEL: So, let's see. They're going to outnumber and overpower a small force of relatively weak Pokemon, and this is going to teach the bullies that the strong shouldn't pick on the weak. >Raticate and Squirtle squared off, water and claws flying. Finally, >Squirtle jumped into the air, tucked into it's shell, >and collided with Raticate head-on! By the time Raticate could >react to the threat, it's double tooth had been cracked off. CROW: So, irreversibly damaging innocent Pokemon is all right if it's for the LORD? TOM: "Sins of the trainers," apparently... >Raichu's Thunderbolt shot straight towards Ghastly. The electricity rippled >around Ghastly's body, paralyzing it. Ghastly fought back with Hypnosis, >and within moments the battle was over. JOEL: ... just like that, huh. >"Looks like you just lost." Devan stated the obvious. CROW : Yay! We won! Now we crush them with heavy stones until they confess to being witches! TOM : But do they weigh the same as a duck? >"And now we're >gonna take you guys to the station on harassment, assault and battery, and >attempted robbery. I'm sure officer Jenny will be >glad to give you a room there, with bars on the windows." CROW: Come on down to prison. We'll leave a light on for ya. >The leader of the bike gang looked paralyzed with fear. So did the rest of >the gang. The boy with >the Evees had stopped crying now and, confident of his safety, >smiled up at Devan and Jennifer. JOEL: Poor little guy's delirious from the head wound... CROW : I want to grow up to be Just Like You! In the sense of kicking ass and taking names, I mean, not walking around with the freakin' New Testament jammed up my butt. >"Let's get out of here!" The bike gang jumped on their motorcycles and sped >away. > "Not so fast!" Devan said as he reached for his hoverboard. >"Jenna, take care of the kid until I get back." With that he sped away >after the bikers. JOEL : Surrender! I know God-Fu! CROW : Oh, I see. I'm the woman, so I take care of the kiddie. What is this, Team Promise Keepers?! >Dodging buildings and road lights, Devan finally spotted the bike gang that >had been terrorizing the little kid. Ryan was right. This WAS turning out >to be fun! A good 12 or 15 feet below him were the bikers. They were riding >down an empty stretch of road when Devan finally figured out how to stop >them. TOM : Thankfully, Professor Oak and the police thought we should be equipped with dynamite! I'll just remove it from the U-Haul at the back of the hoverboard... >"Squirtle! I choose you!" The Pokemon materialized just in front of Devan >on the board. "Squirtle, I want you to hold onto >the ring on the front of the board. I'm going to lower you down >in front of those bikers." > "Squirtle!" The Pokemon said, acknowledging the request. JOEL : We'll make the road slippery, so that they spin out of control, crash, and die! Then we'll take footage for driver's ed films! >"We musta left those kids in the dust!" The leader said >matter-of-factly. Without warning, Squirtle dropped down right >in front of them. CROW : Hey, look, a pinata! >"What the-" Was all he managed to say before being hit by a >powerful blast of Water Gun attack. TOM: Would this be Holy Water, then? >The entire gang was knocked clear off their bikes. JOEL: Oh, the carnage! It's fun! >"Squirt! Squirtle!" The Pokemon said triumphantly. Within minutes, sirens >were heard in the distance. CROW: The police pulled up and slapped handcuffs on Devan. "Three counts of reckless endangerment, kid... scratch that. Two attempted murders, one first-degree." > "Are you O.K.?" The young boy nodded at Jennifer's inquiry. > "Thanks for saving me and my Evees. You guys are the best!" JOEL : Within my admittedly limited frame of reference. TOM: Note that he doesn't say the best *what*. >"Aw, that was nothing." Jennifer said, doing her best to sound >humble. "All part of the job description." Suddenly, she felt something >brushing up against her leg. TOM : Eevee! Not until we get back to BASE... >"Eeevee!" The Pokemon cooed. It was younger than the other ones >and it's entire body was covered in thin, shiny, tan-colored fur. It >affectionately rubbed up against Jennifer's leg as it's >deep green eyes sparkled in the moonlight. CROW: SUGAR RUSH! TOM: Eevee -- with Retsyn! *DING!* >"Would you take care of Evee for me? It was the runt of the litter and my >family can't afford to take care of all four of them." The boy cried a >little inside. "I'd feel a lot better knowing it was safe from those >bikers." CROW: If this gets any more cloying, I may hurl. >This kid was starting to tear Jenna's heart out. Besides, she >had always wanted an Evee. JOEL: So, her Christian crusade involves taking advantage of small children? >"Of course I'll take care of him. Anything to keep those creeps >off your tail. You wanna ride home?" She said, gesturing at her >hoverboard. TOM : A ride? WOW! If I play my cards right, I may even go home with *pamphlets*! >"On that...?" The kid seemed to consider it for a moment. "Sure! Evees, >return!" The boy said as his three Evees entered >their Pokeballs. Jennifer's new Evee jumped up into her arms. "Evee doesn't >like being in Pokeballs." CROW: It can talk? JOEL: And it refers to itself in the third person! Oh, for kawaii! >"Hang on tight!" Jenna called back to her passenger as the hoverboard raced >towards the sky. TOM: And Eevee's cute little paws slip off as the board zooms off at ludicrous speed! CROW: Oooh... got a spatula? JOEL: Guys... >*Chapter 8* > "Hey, Garr. How goes the hunt?" Ryan asked, bringing a >pair of Poke-colas into the room with him. CROW : Always Poke-cola! >He set one down in front of Garrett, >who gladly gulped down several mouthfuls of soda before speaking. "I've got >god news, and bad news. JOEL: I BET they have god news! >What do you want to hear first?" >"Well, you might as well hit me with the bad news first, otherwise I always >feel depressed after talking to you." TOM: Funny, I feel depressed after ANY of them talk. >Garrett slugged Ryan lightly on the arm, then went about retelling his >cyber battle that had ended mere moments before. JOEL: CYBER BATTLE! With Rock'em Sock'em Robots! CROW : And after I took over #hotmonkeyguysex, I turned them all into born-again Christians! Oh, and the monkeys too! >"The good news is, I've got something that looks like a lead, but feels >like a trap. The hacker who sent it, whoever he is, told me to meet him at >the Silver Comet Arcade in Neon Town." TOM: Neon Town! The town that refuses to combine with any others! JOEL: And if you run a current through Neon Town, it glows! CROW: Yeah, I hear the place is a real gas. >Ryan whistled in surprise. This >was getting pretty deep down inside Team Rocket's defenses. JOEL: A wedgie is "deep inside Team Rocket's defenses". TOM: Team Rocket *has* defenses? >Either they >had a new ally, though that was doubtful, or Team Rocket was >counter-attacking them. Either way, Team Revelation's next stop >was Neon Town. An hour later, Devan and Jennifer walked through >the doors of the gym. Ryan was there to greet them. CROW : Um, Devan... should Ryan be naked right now? > "Where have you two been? You musta found some tough competition." > "Sorta... turn on channel 11. You'll see what we mean." TOM : Channel 11? The Playboy Channel?! >"Tonight on World Wide News, a young boy rescued from ruthless >gangsters by counter-Team Rocket group." The news reporter said >as Todd reloaded his camera. CROW: Yes, folks, TR's ass-beating IS World Wide News! >Suddenly, he heard the words 'Team Revelation' and froze. JOEL: The words "Team Revelation" kinda have that effect on me, too. >"Hey, you guys! Check this out!" Todd called up the block to Ash, Misty, >and Brock. TOM: Todd has a powerful voice. >Running back up the street, Ash found Todd staring intently at >a TV in the store window. TOM : Todd, come on man, just BUY one . . . CROW: Sweet lord! Todd's become addicted to their own TV show! >"What's up Todd?" Then Ash looked at the television himself. "Hey! That's >Team Revelation!" CROW: Wow, he's a swift one. JOEL : Man, why'd we ever pretend to be friends with these losers? >"...Two brave members of this incredible group quickly came to >the young boy's aid. According to eye-witnesses, the heroes were >outnumbered two-to-one, but challenged the entire bike gang to a Pokemon >battle. Amazingly, Team Revelation made short >work of the assailants, sending them running." TOM: "Then the gang just decided to stop using pokemon, and shot the little bastards. Here are their bullet-riddled corpses!" JOEL: "In other news, the Church Lady destroys the Yakuza!" >"Certain unverified eye-witness reports claim that one of the two heroes >took off after the bikers on what was most commonly >described as a hoverboard. Also, according to eye-witnesses, this, and a >lone Squirtle, assisted in bringing the gangsters to justice. CROW: ... I read that as a *love* Squirtle. JOEL: That's not surprising. >Now, back to Steve with news from the Pokemon League..." >"These guys are just what the doctor ordered." Brock commented. TOM: Yeah. An enema. >"Hey, Todd. I was just thinking that if Team Revelation ends up >becoming a big news deal, those pictures of yours will be invaluable." >Misty suggested. Todd's eyes began to light up. JOEL: The lights are on, but nobody's home... TOM : Yes! I'll make money and I won't give the bastards anything! Wah hah!! >"My photos could be posted in magazines, documentaries, maybe even the >Internet!" Todd's head began spinning with the possibilities of being Team >Revelation's star photographer. He'd be famous! Again! CROW: Ah, a crapparazzi. JOEL: They got Todd, too. Cry for him. >"I'm just glad someone's trying to shut down Team Rocket." Ash >said. "I'm getting real tired of hearing that motto over and over and >over." Pikachu nodded in approval. TOM: Instead, you're going to be hearing Bible verses over and over. Big difference. >The next morning, Team Revelation loaded up their hoverboards with supplies >and set off for Neon Town. It was a good day's journey, even by hoverboard. >Finally, the lights and glows of Neon Town were within view. JOEL: As were their anti-aircract artillery. CROW : Wow. Neon Town sure is noble! >"Watch your step, guys. People in this town are really grumpy." >Garrett warned. "And if we come across a Jigglypuff, I'm donating it to >charity before it can cause any trouble. That little Pokemon's become a >legend in this town, you know." They >all had a good laugh over that. JOEL : Yep, ransacked the whole place. Man, funny. TOM: They're laughing. We're crying. >Gliding high above the city, the team quickly spotted the Silver Comet >Arcade. The building was huge; a large video game >area was the first part of the three-fold building, then an open-air battle >arena in the center, topped off with a virtual >reality layover maze. JOEL: So, anybody have any idea what this place is supposed to look like? CROW: Nope. TOM: Not a clue. JOEL: Just checking. >The place was somewhere >around four or five acres long and two acres across. TOM: But acres aren't a unit of length, they're a unit of area... unless this is four-dimensional... *arrrrgh*... JOEL: Tom... calmness. >A huge haystack, but the needle was made of gold. CROW: And the metaphor was made of crap. >They set down on the building's rooftop and made their way down >to the entrance. They wouldn't have to worry about getting lost >or finding their way around: Garrett had downloaded blueprints >for the whole building from Professor Oak, so there was almost >nowhere their target could hide. JOEL: However, nothing had prepared Team Revelation for the devilish wiles of SkeeBall. >The inside of the arcade was almost unbearable. Shouting, sound >effects, and bright lights turned the room into an ocean of confusion. One >of the arcade workers motioned to the team to step outside where they could >talk. CROW : There, right past the statue of Chuck E. Chu! >"Are you Team Revelation?" Ryan nodded in answer to the question. "You've >got a challenger out on the battlefield in the back. She says not to keep >her waiting." JOEL: ... CROW: Bomp-chicka-bomp... TOM : I better go alone on this one, guys. Hold my clothes. >"Her?" Devan asked, not sure he'd heard right. JOEL : It's the third person female pronoun, but that's not important right now. >"That's all I can say. Now, if you people will excuse me, I have a job to >do." The arcade worker headed back to the arcade, >rudely pushing past Ryan and Garrett in a huff. TOM : Yes! Go enjoy your 'sex'! Hmmph! >"Real nice guy." Jenna sarcastically mused. JOEL : Job? He should devote all his time to *us*, dammit! >"C'mon, let's go find our hacker." Ryan said. The team got through the >videogames as fast as possible and was finally out >on the battlefield. TOM: Running the Gauntlet, as it were. CROW: In other words, it took them five hours and 57 quarters. >The area appeared to be completely devoid of life, even before >Crystal Dagger stepped out of the shadows. JOEL: Didn't she have a hit with "Gypsy Woman"? CROW: At least it wasn't Gaseous Snake os something. >"Allow me to introduce myself." The warrior said, throwing a dagger with a >quartz handle into the middle of the battlefield. >"That's my business card." TOM : It's hard to read. >"Charming. And your name would be..." Ryan inquired with a sarcastic tone. CROW: Slim Shady. >"Not that it's any of your business, but you can call me Crystal Dagger, >also known as your worst nightmare. If I were you, I'd prepare to die right >now." She spat, three Pokeballs in each hand. TOM: She spat out Pokeballs? JOEL: THAT is a talented woman. > "Not today and not by you. Prepare for trouble!" Ryan called out. > "Make that triple!" Devan, Garrett and Jennifer called >out. TOM: Drink some ripple! CROW: Touch some nipple! JOEL: Smite the cripples! > "To protect the world from demonic power!" > "To rescue all people in their darkest hour!" CROW: To find pagan virgins to deflower! TOM: To make those damned agnostics cower! > "To pronounce the power of our creator's love!" > "To extend His truth to the stars above!" JOEL: To... uh... do something else neat that rhymes! > "Ryan!" > "Devan!" > "Garrett!" > "Jennifer!" CROW: KANEDA! TOM: TETSUO! JOEL: CHEIF! CROW: MCCLOUD! > "We are Team Revelation, sworn defenders of the gospel >of Jesus Christ!" > "Surrender now, Satan's legions, because our God has won the >fight!" JOEL: ... if he's already won, then what's the fuss about? > The shadowy warrior seemed extremely unamused. TOM: Really? So am I. CROW: Now, she transforms into a monster, Sailor Moon pops out, gets her ass whupped, Tuxedo Mask makes *another* lame speech... >"Now that the formalities are out of the way, let the battle begin!" Six >black Pokeballs shot out of her hands with incredible speed. JOEL: These kids are just *handing* us lines... >After the light of the Pokeball's energy faded, Ryan stood awestruck at the >opposing Pokemon armada. Glaring down at their >challengers, Syther, Magmar, Electrabuzz, Jynx, Alakazam, and Machamp stood >defiantly aggressive at the other side of the field. TOM: Defiantly aggressive? As opposed to demurely aggressive? >The six humanoid Pokemon stood >barely shorter than the towering assassin who had trained them >to be relentless killers. CROW: As well as lovely gardeners! TOM: And, of course, they'll all have their asses kicked anyway. >"Would you like to surrender now, or after you lose?" Crystal said >matter-of-factly. JOEL: Surrendering after you've already lost is kinda pointless, though. >"I have killed the lion and the bear, and this uncircumsized Philistine >shall be as one of them, for he has dared to insult >the armies of the living God; First Samuel 37." Ryan quoted. TOM: Lions and bears and uncircumcised Philistines -- oh MY! >Crystal seemed caught off gaurd by such an unusual retaliation. CROW : What are you smoking, kid, and where can I get some? >This was when Team Revelation made >their move. "Alright, guys. Maximum Power!" JOEL: MINIMUM PLOT! CROW: Let's go, Voltron force! >Almost instinctually, Ryan, Devan, Garrett, and Jennifer launched all their >Pokemon across the battlefield and into the >most dangerous and threatening battle they had ever confronted. CROW: Yes, slightly more threatening then the time the big third grader gave them swirlies. TOM: You know, even against an assassin, I refuse to believe that four-on-one are overwhelmingly dangerous odds. >*Chapter 9* > Charmander, Geodude, Weedle, Squirtle, Ghastly, Abra, Bulbasaur, >Staru, Ditto, Pikachu, Spearow, and Dratini prepared >for battle while their evil opponents simply scoffed at the Pokemon that >dared challenge them. TOM: A *Weedle.* Against "trained assassins"... CROW: But it's a Weedle of GOD! JOEL: Fifty bucks on the Weedle. >"So, you've got decent Pokemon after all. How about you kids join Team >Rocket? Then you can catch power Pokemon like these." >The assassin gestured to the small army in front of her. CROW: Oh yeah, Jynx is just the *symbol* of power. TOM: I can see why they'd want to recruit religious fanatics into their criminal organization. >"You mean steal. We'd never join demon-possessed creeps like you." Jennifer >glared at Crystal. JOEL: Ummm.. don't pokemon trainers steal pokemon from their natural habitats and cruelly force them to fight each other anyway? CROW: Hush, Joel. >She actually thought they'd join Team Rocket? >It was time to show this lady that Team Revelation was made of >stronger stuff than that. TOM: Please, sponge is stronger stuff than the Rockets. >"Your loss. Attack them, now!" TOM: : Round 1. FIGHT! CROW : *THIS* I command! >Syther sped across the battlefield at Ditto, who instantly Transformed into >a Kabutops and met Syther's charge blade to blade. Ghastly moved in to >attack Machamp, but was sent to the >ground by a two-fisted Thunder Punch. CROW: ... how'd the Ditto go Kabutops? JOEL: Umm... Ghosts aren't hurt by physical attacks... TOM: Just let the godboys win already! This is about as suspenseful as the pod race in Phantom Menace! >Alakazam snorted at the inferior Abra and raised it's arms to >attack. Luckily, Weedle was able to get behind Alakazam and Poison-Sting it >in the butt. JOEL: Wow. Weedle yaoi. >Alakazam jumped 8 feet in the air as Weedle and Abra >chuckled a little in Pokemon. TOM: But an Alakazam supposedly has a 10,000+ IQ. How did a *Weedle* sneak up behind it? CROW: See, it IS a God Weedle. >Pikachu and Geodude squared off against Jynx, who screeched at >the top of it's lungs at the two Pokemon. JOEL [sighs]: Can't God at least teach His disciples how to use "its"? >Pikachu held it's long ears, trying to >block out the sound while Geodude hurtled itself straight at Jynx. The ice >Pokemon saw Geodude coming and released a powerful arctic blast. TOM : SUB-ZERO! FINISH HIM! >Unfortunately for Jynx, it forgot to dodge the ice-coated Geodude. It's >eyes began to spin as it tried desperately to push Geodude off. CROW : Hehehe. She's getting him off! >Meanwhile, Pikachu prepared to release a vicious Thunderbolt. TOM: As opposed to a kindly, gentle thunderbolt. JOEL: Yes, attack while your friend is still in the way! >Squirtle and Staru attacked Magmar and Electrabuzz with airborne Tackles >which proved only to annoy the two colossal Pokemon. TOM: How many *sins* can a pokemon commit in a *single lifetime*... JOEL: Servo, no. >Meanwhile, Spearow >circled above, preparing for a counter-attack. On Staru's signal, it >attacked with Mirror-Move, mimicking the Ice Beam attack that it had seem >Jynx do. CROW: Providing Electabuzz and Magmar with a cool, refreshing breeze. >Electrabuzz suddenly released a Thunderbolt at Spearow, but not >in time to keep Magmar from becoming an ice cube. Spearow slumped to the >ground, badly injured. TOM: Spearow must be reading this too JOEL: Well, at least he gets written out of the rest of the fight scene. CROW: I'm sorry, but Electrabuzz *still* sounds like a vibrator Pokemon. >However, it was enough of an edge for Squirtle and Staru to attack >unforseen. Electrabuzz was soon being pelted from both sides by Watergun >and BubbleBeam attacks. TOM: I need a nice, relaxing Bubblebeam. CROW: You got your water on my electricity! JOEL: You got electricity in my water! >Suddenly Bulbasaur lashed out at Electrabuzz with >Leech Seed and numerous Razor Leaf attacks. Electrabuzz, undaunted, >retaliated with Thunder. TOM : Ha! Your daunting is useless! I shall daunt you a second time! Daunt daunt daunt!! >The battle continued for an hour. Crystal Dagger's warrior Pokemon fought >relentlessly but were slowly overwhelmed by Team >Revelation's superior numbers and variety. Finally, only Syther, Alakazam, >Staru, Charmander and Pikachu remained on the >battlefield. JOEL: Ah, someone's finally pushed the Fast Foward button. >Onlookers, arcade >workers, and even one or two news crews had gathered around to >watch the best Pokemon battle the Arcade had ever seen. TOM: Wow, Crystal Dagger's got to be the only assassin that *likes* having witnesses. CROW: That's because she's the only assassin who's a moron, Servo. >Devan was off on the >sidelines now, trying desperately to revive Ghastly, Squirtle, >and Abra. JOEL : Live, dammit! LIVE! >Some of them were lucky to still be alive after the way they got thrashed >out there. "Syther, Sky Attack now! Combine it with Alakazam's Si-Beam! TOM: SI Beam? JOEL: SELF INSERTION BEAM! CROW: Actually, I think that stands for "sucks intesely". >Pick them off one by one if you have to." >"Pikachu, Thundershock! Give it your all!" JOEL : Kill yourself, if need be! Just bring us victory! >"Charmander, use your Firespin attack on Alakazam! I believe in >you, Charmander! You can do it!" JOEL: Great, now it's a motivational seminar for pokemon CROW: "I believe you can fail!! Just believe!!" >"Staru, intercept Syther with an airborne Double-Edge. On your >way up, use Recover!" JOEL: Staryu, godboy attack, now! TOM: Yes, use Recover *before* you get hurt! Brilliant! >Syther pivoted into the air, eyes glowing in preparation for the attack. >Bruised and hard-pressed for concentration, Alakazam struggled to it's >feet. Battle-worn, Pikachu, Charmander, and Staru fought with the odds, >with only the understanding of their trainers' devotion and love to fuel >them, and somehow found the energy to continue battle. CROW: And then Scyther killed them. Really unfortunate, that. >High above, Syther >released a glowing barrage of glowing energy beams at the ground below. TOM: So, the energy beams glowed glowingly. >Pikachu and Charmander rolled out of the way of the attack, barely out of >harms way, while Staru flew straight up through the fiery darts. JOEL: Wow! Next thing you know they'll start parrying... CROW: Or Alpha Blocking. TOM: You mean no-selling. >More >than once, Staru came within inches of being hit head-on. For a >time, nothing could be seen of Staru. Out of nowhere, Staru came flying >through the deadly storm, striking Syther square in >the neck. JOEL : Chiiineeeeese Niiiiiinja Staryuuuuuu... CROW: Umm... Scyther really doesn't have much of a neck.. >The giant Mantis/Dinosaur Pokemon let out a blood-curdling roar. Struck in >a weak spot, Syther was forced to give up the attack in order to keep >itself aloft. On the ground, Pikachu shot the last of it's energy skyward, >finally defeating the blood-bent Pokemon. TOM: Blood-bent? JOEL: It's a vampiric Scyther? CROW: Hell, at this rate they're ALL blood-bent. >Pikachu, unable to >even stand after such a battle, fainted. Now it was up to Staru >and Charmander to deal with the weakened Alakazam. JOEL: Alakazam was feeling merciful, and Hypnotized them before beating them to death with his spoons. >"Dev, if you're gonna do something, now's the time!" Ryan called out to his >brother. TOM: Devan! Run away attack, now! CROW : The lord is my trainer! I shall not want! >"I need two more minutes! Just two more minutes!" Devan screamed back. JOEL: Yeah, all men say that. TOM: I don't even want to KNOW what he's doing over there... >Charmander's Firespin ignited, barely missing Alakazam. Eyes glowing with >rage, Alakazam's Si-beam exploded across the battlefield. The entire arena >was engulfed in light. CROW: Dammit, I TOLD him just to get the 60-watts and not the 150's. >Charmander and Staru fell. TOM: Just like that, huh? >"Game...set... match." Crystal Dagger drew out her sword and aimed from >across the field straight at Ryan's chest. The crowds screamed and backed >away in fear as the assassin walked >to the center of the field. JOEL: Everyone backs away. Naturally. It's not like the thousand or so of you are any match for her... >"Give me >those Pokemon and I might let you live. Maybe." CROW: She's a pretty poor sort of assassin, then. TOM: No, kill them and take the pokemon! Kill! KILL! >Silence ensued for what felt like hours. The crowds watched noiselessly >from a distance. The tension hung like sweat on everyone's brow. JOEL: Actually, the tension's hanging a bit more like Dom DeLuise on guy wires. >Miles away, Ash, Misty, Brock and Todd along with a large crowd >gathered around a store window, silently watching these events >unfold on a television screen. Ash was so worried he could barely keep his >eyes off the screen. Same thing with Pikachu. CROW: Pikachu's just worried that the idiot Pikachu Revelations has might survive. >Even Brock and Togepi were worried for Team Revelation's sake. JOEL: Actually, Togepi cried and wet himself. But in a worried way. >Misty silently prayed. TOM : Cthulhu, please hear my cry... >"Or else what?" The question suddenly rung out in the silent darkness of >the moment. All eyes immediately fixed on Devan. CROW : Well, or else I'll kill you. What part of "assassin" don't you get? >"What did you... say?" Crystal Dagger seemed shocked for barely >a moment. These defeated, Pokemon-less Jesus Freaks still wanted to battle? >The question was, with what? The infant Evee >that trembled in fear behind Jennifer's leg? Surely they didn't >intend to fight Giovanni's top killer in hand-to-hand combat? TOM: Joel? Am I wrong to hope that they *do* take her on, and get their asses kicked? JOEL: No, buddy, it's understandable. CROW: Am I wrong to be hoping for huge geysers of the red stuff? JOEL: Uh... that might be a little overboard. >"I said, 'or...else...what?' murderer." Devan raised a lone fist in >challenge. "It's not over yet! I choose you..." TOM: Watch it be something stupid like Missingno or MewFive or all three Legendary Birds... >*Chapter 10* > "...Ghastly!" Devan's Pokeball, to all present, glowed >with an almost supernatural hope. It shot through the air like >the Phoenix of legend, and Ghastly shot out of it towards Alakazam with >it's entire body glowing. CROW: So, anybody want to guess what bodily orifice he pulled that pokeball out of? >"Evee, help Ghastly out!" JOEL: Yes, tiny infant pokemon, give your life for me! >The infant Pokemon ran out from behind >Jennifer. The two fully powered Pokemon shot across the battlefield at >their target with inspiring determination and speed. CROW: Well, *laughter*-inspiring, anyway... >"Evee, Sand Attack! Aim for Alakazam's eyes!" The tiny furball >skidded to a stop, kicking up a cloud of sand into Alakazam's face. The >massive Pokemon staggered backward, sand stinging in >it's eyes and wounds. TOM: Wow! Sand from nowhere! It's a MIRACLE! JOEL : Yes! Attack the weak and defenseless! Mwahahahahaha! >"Ghastly! Finish it with Nightshade!" The black energy clouds shot out of >Ghastly's eyes and easily overtook Alakazam, sending it to the ground. Team >Revelation had emerged triumphant. JOEL: I'll have to remember that, the next time I'm fighting a vastly superior force. Just kick dirt into their eyes, and victory is mine. >"Don't mess with the army of the living Lord God," Devan stated >victoriously. He and Jennifer stood back to back as Jenna finished Devan's >thought. "Because He will deliver our enemies >into our hands, and I don't mean first class." CROW: What, He sends 2nd Day Priority Mail? Is God cheap or something? >At this the crowd erupted into applause, cheering, and a few scattered >Amen's and various exclamations. Suddenly, the crowd >quieted as Ghastly's body began to glow white. TOM: ... please tell me the Ghastly isn't a manifestation of the Holy Spirit. JOEL: ... TOM: Please tell me it isn't... >"It's growing into a Haunter!" Garrett exclaimed. While everyone's eyes >were on Devan's glowing Pokemon, Crystal slipped away into the maze. >Jennifer's Evee saw her leave and gave chase on the deadly assassin. CROW: Yes. Go, Eevee, and get your punk ass slaughtered! JOEL: But, but, Eevee is an infant in the ARMY of the LIVING LORD GOD... TOM: That's it, I'm joining the army of the living dead. >"Hey, where's Evee?!" Jenna screamed. Then she spotted Evee running into >the maze on Crystal Dagger's trail. "Crystal's getting away!" CROW : Quick! To the Godmobile! TOM: What, you figured she was going to stick around, fascinated by your Pokemon "undergoing a change over time"? >"After her!" Ryan charged into the maze. Devan, Haunter, and Jennifer were >right behind him while Garrett rushed their Pokemon to the Pokemon Center. >It wasn't over yet, not quite. The massive crowds rushed back into the >arcade. There were TV monitors inside that showed the activity inside the >maze. JOEL: Hey, that's just a Pacman game! TOM: Wow. Legends of the Hidden Pokemon Temple. >The maze was pitch-black. Gamers who came in here could see where they were >going using the VR overlap of the maze with all >the VR tricks and whistles added in. That is, if they had VR headsets. CROW: Or if they used their VR Visors after they transformed. >Unfortunately, Team >Revelation didn't have that advantage. Their enemy, however, had a black >outfit to match her blackened heart. Ryan reached for his mini-flashlight, >but thought better of it. JOEL: Yeah, don't wanna try to negate your enemy's advantage or anything. TOM : I will let the Light of the Lord God be my guide... and me being an SI and writing God to my specs, it'll happen. >Black against black is >completely invisible, no matter what light it's in. Besides which, the >flashlight beam would make them even more visible then they already were. JOEL: This has been an optics news flash! >White against black is a recipe for trouble, and their uniforms >were almost completely white. CROW: ... so they were quickly killed. >Crystal noiselessly ran down yet another hallway. TOM: See Crystal. See Crystal run. Run, Crystal, run! >She hoped to ambush >Team Revelation, but was planning on a quick escape. That accursed ghost >had foiled her plans in the battle and could easily Hypnotize her straight >into her own private high security prison cell. Why had she gotten rid of >Alakazam's Recover attack!?! CROW: Whaaat? Come on, since when has it *ever* been true in the Pokemon anime that a pokemon could only know four moves? JOEL: Since the author needed a contrivance to let the SI's have the win. >That would have been all she'd >needed to win the battle! Suddenly, she felt something clinging to her >back, growling in her ear. Surprise subsided within seconds as she >realized harmless little Evee was doing it's best to annoy her. TOM: Joel, am I a bad person for wanting an armed and dangerous assassin to be successful in murdering an infant Eevee?! I just want a shred of plausibility, please... JOEL: It's all right, Tom. It's almost over. >She must have been so focused on >being quiet herself that she hadn't heard it approach. That was >one mistake that could be easily rectified. "Hey! You guys, I heard Evee!" >Jennifer whispered back to the group. After rounding three corners, the >group found Evee clinging to Crystal's back, biting her in the neck. TOM : It was in that moment that Jenna knew that Ol' Eevee was sick, and might just have to be put down. >The warrior threw the puppy Pokemon off, it's back colliding with >an invisible wall. It let out a sharp, short squeal, then began >crying in little puppy moans. CROW: This sounds pornographic. JOEL: ... for once, I find that completely reasonable, Crow. >"You creep! You couldn't beat us, so you decided to pick on harmless >infants! That's low, and you're going down for it!" Jennifer yelled out, >the assassin running down the shadowy corridor. TOM: Um, the thing was biting her. If something is biting my neck, it's dead, I don't *care* how cute it is. >"Haunter! Hypnosis attack now!" Devan commanded. By the time Haunter had >released a series of hypnotic waves, the shadowy warrior had vanished once >more. The team gave chase, only to discover an open ventilation panel. JOEL: And fifty feet down, an assassin with a broken neck. CROW: "No! She's escaped into the Jeffries tubes! Quick, get Spot!" TOM: She. Crawled. In. The. Ventilation. Shaft. Oh GOD kill me... JOEL: *Tom*... TOM: No. No. There is only so much one bot can take it. End it, oh Lord! End it NOW! AUUUGGHH!! [Tom bolts out of the theater, screaming.] JOEL [sighs]: This isn't good. CROW: Jeez, I guess it's Servo's time of the month again... JOEL: Oh, you hush. >When Team Revelation had finally made it back outside, the only >thing left was a dagger and a note that read: "This isn't over >yet..." JOEL : Hahahahahahaha! I'll get you, and your little deity too! CROW: And... alright, it's over! JOEL: Come on, let's go check on Tom... [1-2-3-4-5-6] [The guys return to the SOL bridge to find Tom Servo spinning around wildly on his hover-skirt with small bottles of holy-water in each of his useless hands.] TOM: *Cleansed*! I. Must. Be. CLEANSED!! Purge this fic from my bosom! JOEL: Servo, you don't *have* a bosom! CROW: Before this I never thought about his bosom, and I was a very happy robot. TOM: He has forsaken me! He has forsaken all of us! The end times are here! How could a loving, merciful God *let this story exist*? AUGH! JOEL: Tom, just calm down! We survived Manos, remember? You're stronger than this! [Tom stops spinning and shakes nervously in place] TOM: You don't understand! This fic has tainted my very soul! I'm not longer pure, Joel! I *no longer pure*! None of us are! [Suddenly, an extremely bright light shines down on the bridge from above as if on cue.] JOEL Oh, come on-- huh? CROW[leaning back to peer up]: Hey, Joel? I think I see God. JOEL: Oh, no! Not you too, Crow! CROW: No, I'm serious! I see God and he looks like.... [At that moment a man steps out from the light wearing tinted glasses and sporting a mustache and receeding hairline. He wears a sportcoat and a T-shirt underneath bearing the phrase "Nuff'Said".] ALL: STAN LEE?! GOD: Hello, true belivers! I see our tungsten-plated pal here is having a crisis of faith. JOEL: Uhm... well, he's reeling from a merger of bad fan-fic and CAPalert. [Tom whirls nevously over to the deity.] TOM: Th-they looked like Team Rocket b-but they'd preach and there was really stupid computer hacking and... and... why? WHY? GOD: Well, you see, everyone perceives Me differently... why, last time I manifested, I looked like Alanis Morisette!... and this fanfic's version of Me just happens to be an extremely... unique one. TOM: But... but...they were so preachy and they kept winning and... GOD: Why, Tom Servo, there's hundreds of self-insertion fanfics out there! It's just what they do. Sure, it may not make for the most titanic tale possible, but it's fun for the authors, and in this case he was trying to do My work at the time. It didn't work out, sure, but that's no reason to be upset with the author or Me. TOM: But I wanted to beat up Team Revelation *so bad*... GOD: Calm yourself, my son. You have suffered through a titanic torrent of tediousness. Why, even the Mighty Thor himself would have a hard time facing what you did. But you held steadfast, true believer, and when those hacks handed you a horrible handful of preachy posturing, you knew what time it was! [Joel and Crow step foward, their eyes full of wonder.] JOEL: You mean.. CROW: It could only be... TOM: It, it... ALL: IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!! GOD: That's right! Tom Servo, my little red sarcastic avenger, your ravenous riffs are your greatest power, and with great power... TOM: Oh! I know!! With great power comes great responsiblity! CROW: At least until Howard Mackie runs it into the ground. GOD[chuckling]: That's certainly right. So don't get upset, mighty Marvelite! Just smile and riff on, and everything will turn out okay in the end. After all, there'll always be a next issue, right? TOM[sniffling]: Why... yeah! Yes, there will, and I'll be here to read it! Thanks so much! [The deity turns to leave and waves back.] GOD: Oh, don't thank me! This is my job! Excelsiooooorrr.... [both the light and the voice fade away]. [The gang gathers around, hugging and rejoicing.] JOEL: You see guys, we made it! And the next time Dr. F sends us something like this, we'll make it through that, too! CROW: Oh, Reed! TOM: Hey, did anyone else here notice how God liked to play with adjectives? JOEL: Hey, if you were a deity, wouldn't you, Tom? TOM: Point. JOEL: So, whaddaya think, sirs? [Back down on Deep 13. Forrester and TV's Frank are still in glam-rock gear. Only now the place is completely trashed. Frank is lying upside down on a couch holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Forrester walks out from some back room with a bra on his head.] DR.F: My God, Frank, what happened here? FRANK: Eeeeeverrryyy rooooose has its thooooooooornnn... [belches]... yeah it does... whooo! DR. F: Um... thanks, that helps a lot. Invaders, did you see what did this to Deep 13? [SOL.] JOEL: Well, no, we were busy watching this week's experiment and talking to God. CROW: And God's got some answering to do for Ravage 2099. TOM: Shut up, Crow! JOEL: But, well, you did try to revive Glam Rock for your experiment this week, if that helps. [Deep 13. A look of absolute horror is dawning on Dr. Forrester's face.] DR. F: Revive glam rock... gah! What am I wearing?! Frank... it's all so clear to me now! Why didn't I *see*?! There are some eldritch forces in the universe too horrifying to be tampered with, and I *dared* to try to control the most primal and unstoppable! I suppose I should simply be thankful that the damage isn't permanent... [At about that time, there is some rustling in the background. Sylvia the Mole Person steps out of the very same back room that Dr. F was in, wearing one of his lime green lab coats as a makeshift bath robe.] DR. F: ... NOOOOOOOOO!! [SOL. Joel winces, and the bots look away in fear.] [Deep 13. Forrester is frantic.] DR. F: Robinson! Help me! In the name of all humanity, you have to help me! [SOL.] JOEL: I'm sorry, sir... your only hope is too have some Pearl Jam around to counteract all of this, or it's already too late. TOM: Or you could try talking to God, he's a pretty nice guy. [Deep 13.] DR. F: Right... Pearl Jam... gotta find some Pearl Jam... just you wait, boobies, I'll have it together by next week! It'll take more than this to destroy Dr. Clayton Forrester! Frank, push the-- oh. Nevermind... [Dr. F pushes the button. As the picture draws closed, we can see Dr. F beginning to evade Sylvia's attempts at a fond embrace...] PWOOSH! _________________________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are TM & C Best Brains, Inc. Joel Hodgson and Stanley Leibowitz are TM & C themselves. Glam Rock is TM & C the 80's (and they're welcome to it). Team Revelations and all related characters are the property of Ryan Edgerton, and are used with his permission. No licenses are claimed or should be implied in the making of this MiSTing, and no money will be made off of it. SPECIAL THANKS go out to everyone who contributed to the completion of this MiSTing, whether it be by helping with editing or by attending the riffing sessions. The most thanks of all, of course, go out to Ryan Edgerton, who graciously gave permission for this fanfic to be MiSTed. As such, this MiSTing could not possibly exist without him. This MiSTing was the product of the SVAM Saturday Night MiSTing sessions. Riffing sessions are conducted every Saturday night at 7:30 EST on server tokyo-3.polarcom.com, port 6667, in channel #MiSTing. The logs from these MiSTings are heavily edited and elaborated upon to create the final, published product, with credit given where it is due. _________________________________________________________________ >"Don't mess with the army of the living Lord God," Devan stated >victoriously. He and Jennifer stood back to back as Jenna finished Devan's >thought. "Because He will deliver our enemies >into our hands, and I don't mean first class."