======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (1/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:21:24 GMT Lines: 225 -------- +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ | **** Does a 75 character line width look all right on your screen? **** | +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_, A _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ Fanfic by Mission Ops Productions =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Era: CASTLE Categories: DS9, XXX NOTES This is a group MiSTing. Please send feedback to crazyguy@cnnw.net and I will forward it to the other authors. At 561 kilobytes, this is currently the second largest MiSTing ever, and the largest one riffed by the Satellite of Love crew. WARNING The story _Stolen Memories_ contains explicit sex scenes. If you do not want to read such material, do not read this MiSTing. If you are under 18 years of age, our culture says that you are not supposed to read about sex. I'm supposed to tell you to go watch some graphic violence on TV instead. While I'm fully aware that no one under 18 will stop reading because of this warning, I have to include it anyway. Now that the warning is out of the way, everyone who wants to read this MiSTing may do so. Have fun storming the castle! "As a writer, I like feedback - good or bad. If someone wants to critique my story they are welcome to do so. If they want to say they think it sux, they're welcome to do that too - I have no objections to it - as long as they say why they think it sux." -- Red Skye, editor of _Stolen Memories_, December 23rd, 1996. Much obliged, Red... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Part 1 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_ =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In the not too distant future, In a castle made of stone, A woman, a monkey and an alien Really like to make Mike groan. Mike is just an ordinary guy, And those three enjoy seeing him cry. They keep him trapped on a satellite, While they try to find an ancient curse, A Usenet post so terrible, It will destroy the Universe. MIKE: Standard sci-fi plot, right? PEARL: We send him cheesy posts, The worst we can find. BOBO: la-la-la! OBSERVER: He has to sit and read them all. While I monitor his mind. BOBO: la-la-la! Now keep in mind Mike can't control Where the posts begin or end. (la-la-la) He'll try to keep his sanity, With the help of his robot friends. Robot Roll Call! CAMBOT ________ / ____ \ /__/ \__\ |_( )_| \ \____/ / \________/ CAMBOT: Tarl Cambot? GYPSY _,-(@)_ / \ \_ \ / \ \ < :------: ##----\====/ ## ## ## ## ## GYPSY: You've got mail! TOM SERVO _-_ (___) |>| _/===\_ /| o=o |\ / | o=o | \ <> \=====/ <> / / | \ \ <_________> TOM: I'm a Vorlon! CROOOOW! ______ (\____/) (_oo_) (O) ___||___ []/________\[] / \________/ \ / /____\ \ / /______\ \ / /__\ \ (\ /____\ /) CROW: Me Syndrome? If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a MiST, I should really just relax..." For Mystery Usenet Theater 3000! _________________________________ | | | ___________________________ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | MYSTERY | | | | USENET | | | | THEATER | | | | 3000 | | | | | | | | | | | |___________________________| | | o o o o o o [] | |_________________________________| / \ /___________\ [CAMBOT moves backwards, through the doors] [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [Satellite of Love Bridge. MIKE is standing behind the counter. He is wearing a sky blue jumpsuit. He addresses us, the audience, in an earnest, serious tone of voice.] MIKE: Hello. I'm Mike Nelson, speaking to you from the bridge of the Satellite of Love. I'd like to take this opportunity to address a concern raised by several of you people who seem to be watching us. Specifically, I'm referring to whether one of our beloved robot pals, Cambot, can speak. I think I'll let Cambot himself field that question. (MIKE ducks down behind the counter and re-emerges holding a large mirror in front of him. We can now see CAMBOT, who looks exactly as he does in the Season 9 Robot Roll Call.) MIKE: Ah! There we go. Whenever you're ready, CB! CAMBOT: (nervously) Oh! Uh... hello. (CAMBOT's voice, although slightly computerized, has a very human, vulnerable quality. His speech quavers with insecurity.) CAMBOT: My name is Dwayne Cambotterman, but you probably know me best simply as Cambot. It's true I don't talk much, but it's not because I CAN'T talk, it's just... well, I haven't felt much like talking since... (he breaks off) MIKE: (gently coaxing) Go on, Cambot. You can tell them. CAMBOT: ...Since the love of my life walked out on me several years ago. (nostalgic) Oh, she was beautiful - a Sony 8MM with remote control, built-in speaker, and a 2.5" color LCD display. She was one classy lady. But she devoted so much of her time to her career - filming weddings, bar mitzvahs and the like - that we hardly got to see each other. Eventually she left me for a Steady-Cam named Rico. Last I heard, she was shooting amateur video of torandoes and selling them to the Weather Channel. (getting choked up) It's still a little painful to talk about. I try not to think about it. Mike, can you put the mirror down? I think I'd like some "alone time" now. (The yellow light flashes) MIKE: Sure thing, buddy. (sets the mirror down) We'll be right back. (MIKE wipes away a tear and presses the button) (At the bottom of the screen, we see a caption that says: "FOR YOUR EMMY CONSIDERATION") [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (2/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:21:31 GMT Lines: 704 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE is regaining his composure as TOM and CROW enter.] MIKE: Oh, hi guys. You missed it. Cambot and I just had an "Emmy" moment. TOM: You mean one of those heartwarming scenes guaranteed to touch the hearts of Emmy voters and get us one of those foxy statuettes? MIKE: Uh huh. TOM: Oh, yes! I'm telling you, that statuette is HOT! No more lonely nights for Thomas Alva Servo. No sirree! CROW: C'mon, Tom, I just ate. Have some mercy. (The red light flashes) MIKE: The Razzies are calling. (hits button) What can I do ya for, Mama Cass? [Castle Forrester. PEARL is sitting behind a desk, looking at the monitor of a computer. She turns her chair 180 degrees to face the screen.] PEARL: Greetings Craig T. Nelson, Beach Bots. You'll be happy to know that you may never have to read another bad Usenet post. [SOL Bridge. Everyone is wearing a party hat and dancing.] [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Because I have found what is, without a doubt, the most painful fanfic ever written! You'll be begging for mercy after reading only a third of it! Prepare for unprecedented suffering, my irreverent inmates! (PEARL stands up and laughs maniacally. After a beat, BOBO and a man dressed in a black suit from the late Victorian era, a black cape, and a black top hat walk up behind her.) BOBO: Lawgiver? (PEARLS jumps, then turns around and smacks Bobo) PEARL: Don't sneak up on me, you walking flea metropolis! BOBO: Sorry, Lawgiver, but there's a man named John Evil here to see you. JOHN: (shakes Pearl's hand) Mrs. Forrester, I work for Evil Enterprises, which has been providing products and services to Evil Overlords for over 100 years. I'd like to show you some of our fabulous new items. PEARL: I can't right now. I have to torture the Three Amigos. [SOL Bridge. The dancing has stopped and the party hats have disappeared.] MIKE: It's okay, Your Unfriendliness, we can wait! [Castle Forrester. JOHN sets a suitcase on PEARL's desk, opens it, and takes out what looks like a giant pea pod.] JOHN: I'm sure you're aware of the fact that the average henchman has the aiming ability of a tree squirrel. But now that won't matter, thanks to the target lock beam. (a cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker pops up behind him) No matter where they shoot, their shots will hit the nearest good guy. (JOHN fires several shots while spinning in circles, but every shot hits the cutout) JOHN: This was featured in the classic sci-fi film _The Fifth Element_, and would have allowed the bad guys to win, if only they had actually USED it. PEARL: That's nice, but my henchmen don't do that much shooting. (JOHN pulls out a bomb with a digital countdown reading "140") JOHN: Then try our new trick counter! You place it where the timer would normally be located on a doomsday device and input a time. Instead of activating when the timer reaches zero, the doomsday device will activate when the timer reaches 120 seconds. Since all heroes wait until the last second to disarm a doomsday device, making them think that they have an extra two minutes will cause them to run out of time. (The timer reaches 120 and the bomb explodes in JOHN's hands) PEARL: But I don't have a Doomsday Device. (pause) Well, I had one from Spiegel, but I exchanged it for some flatware. JOHN: Well, can I interest you in a transporter that automatically beams all objects capable of destroying you into the nearest star? PEARL: No. JOHN: Engineers who will make sure your machines do not have one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot? PEARL: No. JOHN: Door mechanisms designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa? PEARL: (turning away from John) BRAIN BOY! (OBSERVER walks on screen) OBSERVER: How may I serve you, Empress of Evilness? PEARL: Get rid of the salesman. (We hear the "doodly-doodly-doo" sound) JOHN: Spells that cannot be neutralized by small, inconspicuous talismans? (JOHN disappears. Pearl turns to face the screen.) PEARL: Now, where was I? Oh yes. I have a very special post for you three wise guys. It's a _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ fanfic written by a group known as Mission Ops Productions. It's called _Stolen Memories_ and you'll be wishing that someone would steal your memories of reading it! Send them the story, pretty fly white guy. OBSERVER: (to PEARL) As you command, Most Sadistic One. (faces the screen) I wouldn't worry too much, Mike. It's a fairly short piece - a mere 4,310 lines. (We hear the "doodly-doodly-doo" sound again) [SOL Bridge. Lights flash, sirens blare, typical movie sign pandemonium.] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!!! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their usual seats. The screen they sit in front of is not a movie screen, but a giant computer monitor.] CROW: 4,310 lines. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? MIKE: Oh, come on. _A Tale of Two Cities_ was only 16,139 lines. Compared to that, this'll be nothing. (BOTS stare incredulously at Mike) MIKE: What? > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TOM: In morse code, that's my name repeated twelve times. MIKE: (Ben Stein) Wow. > Article 125 of 418 CROW: I thought there were only three articles. TOM: They probably meant the Articles of Confederation. > Subject: (repost) Stolen Memories 1/9 MIKE: One out of every nine stolen memories is eventually reposted, so there IS hope. TOM: I'm hoping it's just a coincidence that this story has the same number of parts as Hell has levels. > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) CROW: (Gadget) Zipper, is that you? > Date: 1997/01/09 > Message-Id: <5b1ds7$ojl@the-fly.zip.com.au> CROW: (singing) Zip - a dee - doo -da. MIKE: Are you done Disneyfying us? CROW: Absotively posilutely. > Organization: The Zipsters TOM: Isn't that a type of lighter? MIKE: That's Zippo. CROW: Isn't Zippo a Marx Brother? MIKE: No. CROW: (mumbling) That's the last time I play Trivial Pursuit with Servo... > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > > > > > > > TOM: Why does this story have spoiler space? > WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes. MIKE: Hence the NC-17 rating. TOM: Well, it might have had really, really foul language... > If reading about teen sex offends read no further. CROW: Mike, teen sex offends me. Can I leave? MIKE: Nice try, Crow. > If not read on and enjoy. CROW: Is that an ORDER? > The Ed, Red. TOM: (singing) Here today the Red Skye tells her tale, But the only listening eyes are mine... > ============================================================ MIKE: A subliminal message from Martin Luther King Jr. > > > > > > > > > CROW: Were the authors afraid we couldn't tell where the message ended and the story began? > Stolen Memories TOM: Help, police! That thief stole my memories! MIKE: What thief? TOM: I can't remember! > Part One CROW: Party of the first part... > At just 16 years of age, TOM: (singing) I am 16, going on 17... > Julian Bashir was at that > gawky stage of teenage life, MIKE: He hadn't yet gotten his Kobayashi Maru time over fifteen minutes and thus was the laughing stock of all the other teenagers. > all arms, legs and cheek > bones. TOM: Eeeww. CROW: Geez, if his parents can afford to genetically engineer him, you'd think that they could at least give him a torso. > His hair flowed in curls and ringlets to his > shoulders. TOM: (singing) On the gooood ship, lollipop, it's a sweeeet trip, to a candy shop, where bonbons play... > His father was forever saying it had to be > trimmed right back, MIKE: If he doesn't cut his hair, the next thing you know, he'll be playing a guitar and singing "Heading out to Eden". > but never seemed to find the time to > take his son to a barber to get it done so it just kept > growing longer. CROW: Eventually he'll look like a Frankish King. TOM: Can't sixteen year-olds take THEMSELVES to the barber? > Downy fluff covered his strong jaw and chin, CROW: That's got to be the worst case of dandruff ever. > a sure indicator that his hyper hormonal stage had kicked > in. MIKE: Not to mention September Wind. > Julian was quiet proud of that fluff it proved he was a > *Man* at last. TOM: (Socrates) Damn! > Or at least, according to his friends, he > would be if he ever got laid. CROW: Our culture's Coming of Age ritual, ladies and gentlemen. > When he'd mentioned their view > of things to his mother she'd introduced him to soap MIKE: But he was never able to keep track of all the Tates and Campbells, so he quit watching. > as a > dietary item, an extremely unpleasant experience she put him > through whenever he mentioned something she considered to be > obscene or unfit to be mentioned. MIKE: (Julian) Hey mom, do the words "freedom of speech" mean anything to you? CROW: (mom) But your mouth isn't fully clean unless it's ZESTfully clean! MIKE: (Julian) Noooooo! (makes gargling sounds) > He stood in the shadows TOM: Who knew what evil lurks in the hearts of men. > of an alcove dressed in the > black of neutrality from head to toe, well hidden from > casual glances. CROW: The part of Julian Bashir will be played by Zorro. MIKE: Black, the color of neutrality and goths. > No one noticed him as he watched the ebb and > flow of pedestrian traffic passing through the busy > corridor. MIKE: How not to be seen. TOM: (Corridor) Busy, busy. Always work. > There was absolutely nothing to do in this place, no > gym to exercise in, no courts to practise tennis. CROW: Since this is Star Trek, it has to be three-dimensional Organian zero-gravity cybertennis. > Not that > he'd minded all that much, not after the humiliating defeats > he'd suffered that had put an end to his dreams of a career > as a tennis player. MIKE: Damn you, Bjorn Borg! > There was no library, or at least none > that contained books he could read. TOM: Julian can only read Dr. Seuss books. CROW: And even then he needs help with the big words. > The computer in his > suite only supplied Felistian text MIKE: Internet porn having been banned centuries before. > and had stubbornly > refused to accept the translation programme his father had > tried to load. TOM: Microsoft Translator 99. CROW: Julian must be French. He wears all black and says "programme". > So here he was planning the great escape, ready to get > a little excitement and adventure. MIKE: He's trying to find a way to the _Star Wars_ universe. > Oh, CROW: My Goddess? > he'd been warned of > the dangers of leaving the palace. TOM: Rumor had it that a trio of bandits, one a Spaniard, one a giant, and the last a Sicilian, were terrorizing the countryside. > But after all these years > of hearing virtually the same lecture from his father every > time they set foot on a new planet, MIKE: (Julian's dad) You had better be wearing clean underwear before you set foot on this planet, young man! > the warnings went in one > ear and straight out the other. CROW: So Julian's parents didn't pony up for brain installation, either? TOM: That WOULD explain why a sixteen year-old can't find a barber. > Julian was quite certain that half the time his > father's warnings were only made to keep him on a short > leash so he'd be around to do odd jobs. CROW: (Julian's dad) Take this toothbrush to the Klingon Ambassador and this copy of the Communist Manifesto to the Ferengi Ambassador. > For the first time > Julian would have been glad to be put to work running > errands for his father. MIKE: Even laundering his father's boxer shorts would've been a nice change of pace. TOM: Julian would also have been happy to run numbers for the Gambino family, but that's another story. > Yet, perversely this time around, his father had no > errands for him to run and so he spent his hours and days > wishing for something, anything, to do to alleviate the > boredom. CROW: If this turns into a Gameboy commercial, I am out of here so fast... > With eachgrowing day the temptation to ignore his > father's warnings grew stronger until the need for action, > excitement, MIKE: He's going to be screaming "SURGE!" any minute now, I can just feel it. > *Fun* out-weighed every ounce of sense (`less > than eight' to hear his father talk) he had in his brain. TOM: Julian's dad isn't exactly Bill Cosby, is he? > He wanted excitement and to hell with the danger, he > was going to get it. CROW: Julian Bashir - rebel without a clue. > Julian timed his move perfectly. MIKE: The condition of the real estate market allowed him to get a great deal on a house. > For a brief period in > time TOM: He read Stephen Hawking's _A Brief History of Time_. > there was no movement in the corridor. CROW: Okay, now Green Light! > He bolted across > it to his goal, the balcony doors directly opposite, and on > the other side, his ultimate goal, freedom, adventure,*Fun*. MIKE: He's going to find *Fun* on a balcony? TOM: He's going to be disappointed. That's just fun out there. For *Fun* you have to go through the back door. > > In a moment he had slipped behind the doors curtain and > started opening the doors, hearing behind him footsteps that > let him know he was no longer alone in the corridor. CROW: Baba Yaga's house was walking by. > He > tugged harder on the doors trying to open them, then pushed > them forward to discover they opened outwards - not inwards > as he had thought. MIKE: I trust this important fact will have ramifications in the future. > As the footsteps came ever closer to his > position he slipped through the doors and closed them behind > himself. TOM: (Julian) Hey, there's a guy out here who looks like Bruce Boxleitner! > Someone rattled the door, testing the handles. TOM: (God) Handles, take your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. > He held > them tight putting all his weight against the doors to hold > them closed. CROW: The normal reaction to a visit by Jehovah's Witnesses. > Eventually the person left them alone. MIKE: Unfortunately for Julian, it had been the Prize Patrol with his check for ten million dollars. > With a > sigh of relief, and feeling quite smug, he turned around > taking a step forward to check out the area as all his plans > for his forbidden escape flitted through his mind... TOM: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name! Tis but thy name that is my enemy. > Only to have all his fantasies bite the dust as he she > turned - all claws and fangs, hissing at him. MIKE: Looks like it's SOMEONE'S time of the month... > Fear took the > place of triumph, his heart jumped to his throat while his > stomach hit the floor. CROW: Meanwhile, his kidneys took a nap, and his gall bladder listened to a Beck album. > "Be gone," She snarled at him. CROW: I'm not finished putting my make-up on yet, dangit! > He stepped back right into the doors MIKE: (Julian) Whoops! Oh, hi Mr. Morrison. > and the > potentially greater danger of being surrounded by dozens of > extremely aggressive Felistian women. TOM: What are the odds that the Felistians are NOT humanoid cats? CROW: With "Felis" in their name? Nil. > Alis blinked and did a double take as she registered > the intruder's wide eyed trembling appearance. TOM: (Alis) I frightened C-Ko! > She almost > hissed again as she recognised the young Terran manling CROW: Manling? Is that like a man cub? MIKE: Yup, pretty much. TOM: Isn't Manling that the name of a panda? MIKE: No, that's Ling Ling. > her > mother had been throwing in her face at receptions and the > like. CROW: Her mother is practicing Wuss Tossing, the newest Olympic event. TOM: Step right up. Hit Alis' face and win a prize. > He was irritatingly boring. MIKE: Is it possible to both irritating AND boring? CROW: I dunno, but Bashir comes pretty close! > He was either looking her > way with the atrangest look in his eye, sighing or cowering, TOM: I'm not sure which. MIKE: Once upon a time, or maybe twice... > wide eyed and frightened by anything and everything. CROW: Blueberry muffins, turtleneck sweaters, you name it. MIKE: The role of Julian Bashir will be played tonight by Mr. Don Knotts. > All one had to do was go "*Boo*" and he'd jump out of > his skin. CROW: Oh, that's just his Xipe Totec impersonation. > Then a smile touched her lips MIKE: And was convicted of sexual harrassment. > as she realised he'd done > something less than cowardly; he'd defied his father. TOM: Unfortunately, his father was Darth Vader. > She > guessed he was looking for some excitement. MIKE: At least, that's what his ad in the personals said. CROW: "Fun seeking, tennis playing, future salutatorian SM, looking for like-minded partner. Hopefully, the score will end up Love-Love." > That she could > understand. TOM: His choice of wardrobe, though, was another matter entirely. > Lately she'd been driven to distraction with > pure unadulterated boredom. TOM: Try new Boredom - pure and unadulterated, the way nature intended it. CROW: Can you really write an interesting story where everyone is bored? MIKE: Well, there's bits in _Das Boot_, but... > Apart from the formal receptions > which her attendance at was compulsory there was nothing > else to do. CROW: She could go sit by the dockin' bay and watch the clouds slip away. > Her tutors had all taken sudden vacations, MIKE: Something about a tutor shoved in a gym locker. They were kind of vague about the incident. > her mother > was to busy setting up negotiation talks between all the > clan Matriarchs and the Terran/Federation Ambassador. CROW: Huh? TOM: Can we get some exposition here, please? > Alis > was almost ready to climb the walls. MIKE: But first she had to say hello to them. > Her nose twitched as she detected a lessening in the > manling's fear scent. CROW: She's pickin' up good vibrations. TOM: What are the chances someone would recognize a fear scent from an alien biology, anyway? > "How interesting, he's not really afraid of me." She > thought. MIKE: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you're a giant stuffed animal. > Julian straightened up gathering his scattered wits as > he registered who the hissing fury was. CROW: He misspelled "furry". > Fear faded away to > be replaced by longing. TOM: (Julian) I haven't been this turned on since the last time I watched _Heathcliff_! > The Princessa was 100% gorgeous, MIKE: Well, 99% gorgeous and 1% collagen implants. > tall, regal, CROW: Stuck-up, scatter-brained... > every inch a Princess and far too good for the > likes of him. TOM: Julian is evidently not a Marxist. CROW: Daddy, why do alien races always combine animal-like behavior and a feudal class structure? MIKE: Because that way we don't have any qualms about conquering them and making them submit to our will, son. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (3/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:21:44 GMT Lines: 856 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are behind the counter.] TOM: Mike, why are there so many intelligent alien felines in sci-fi? Is there some kind of bizarre science behind this, or do people just like the idea of talking to cat-like aliens? MIKE: Well, cats are in many ways the ultimate predator, and are more alien to us than dogs. When writers want to make a creature alien, yet familar enough to be interesting, not too scary, or a glob of green slime; something readers can relate too, yet not totally understand, they pick cats. Especially if the species has to fill the always popular niche of Roman-like conquerers. CROW: The qualities of cats are their mystery, their aloofness, their predatory and playful natures make them perfect little aliens. TOM: Maybe it's because a lot of writers seem to be cat owners, and tend to dream up intelligence on the part of their pets that isn't really there. Of course, I love cats... medium rare, in a light wine sauce. CROW: Yecch, that's disgusting! MIKE: Yeah! A WINE sauce? Everyone knows that cats go well with A-1. CROW: That's ri... HEY! MIKE: SF writers also like cats because because they're such easy alien concepts to come up with. "Oh, big anthropomorphic cats." It lets you get past the physical appearance and move on to more entertaining stuff. TOM: But surely they're no easier a concept than canine aliens, and cat and dog ownership is roughly equal. Yet I can't think of any canine aliens at all, whereas I can instantly come up with Kzinti and hani for felines. CROW: I can imagine a canine alien, but then he starts scrating his ears with his hind foot and he just doesn't make a good alien anymore. I leave the room before he gets a toe caught in the trigger of his laser. Not to mention other things dogs do... TOM: Why does a canine alien have hind feet, while a feline alien doesn't? A cat's ears never itch? CROW: The impression most people get from their pets is that dogs are stupid, and cats are intelligent enough that it is unsafe to turn your back on one. TOM: I always thought the opposite. Cat proponents always point out how friendly, trusting, and concerned dogs are about their owners as signs of low intelligence. I think it speaks ill of a culture where friendliness, compassion and loyalty are believed to represent low mental ability. MIKE: But the basis for the extrapolation isn't usually PETS. Cherryh's hani are lions; Niven's kzinti are tigers. Is a wolf or fox inherently less intelligent than a lion or tiger? CROW: Or bear? Oh my! (TOM starts foaming at the mouth) TOM: It's so unfair! Dogs have been our faithful servants since we were hunter-gatherers, and how do we repay them? By ignoring them, in favor of that bastard child of felis sylvestris libyca! CROW: What about the Vargr? TOM: They don't count. They're RPG-based. Anyway, What have those little beasts ever done to deserve the worship so many humans heap upon them? NOTHING! They act like they own everything! What an ego! Dogs are infinitely better companions! They understand human social structure and accept their place in it. Cats do no such thing! They are a chaotic element in our society, and yet they are treated like gods! (starts crying) MIKE: Calm down, Servo. The people who write about cat-like aliens aren't doing so out of malice. TOM: (sniffles) Are you sure? MIKE: Yes, I'm sure. TOM: Okay. (MIKE grabs a tissue from a box behind the counter and starts wiping the foam off of TOM) CROW: I just thought of something; perhaps the reason humanoid cats are such popular aliens is because humans find them attractive. A felinoid would be sleek, furry, graceful...just look at all the "cat-like" metaphors in our language. TOM: But what about the male's spiky weiner, cat lover? MIKE: A tomcat's penis isn't spiky. It's merely hairy, with the hairs going the wrong way. TOM: Oh. CROW: Ha! Shows what YOU know, dog boy! TOM: Why you... (TOM lunges at CROW. What ensues is the most violent fight possible when neither participant has working arms.) MIKE: (sighs) Why do so many of our discussions end up like this? (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their seats.] > "I'm s..sss..sor..ry.. I d.did'nt kn..now th..th..there > w..was any..o..one out h..here," he stammered turning a deep > blood red, cursing his tangle tongue. TOM: Which he had inherited from his ancestor, Porky Pig. CROW: Isn't Tangle Tongue a Milton Bradley game? > He sighed inwardly. MIKE: He's inflating his throat-sacs. > His father was dead TOM: So he was happy about that, anyway. > right, he'd > *never* be a diplomat, if he wasn't tripping over his > tongue, CROW: Gene Simmons IS Julian Bashir in _Phantom of the Promenade_. > he was only opening his mouth to exchange which foot > he was sticking in it. TOM: Sounds like even though he's not diplomat material, he WOULD make a good sideshow attraction. > Nine times out of ten, it was both > feet. CROW: Must be small feet if he can fit two of them in there. MIKE: Maybe the Federation practices footbinding at age one. > "How could you?" TOM: Besides from the "OCCUPADIO" sign, of course. > She responded watching his blush rush > up from his collar to his hair line fascinated. CROW: And the story suddenly becomes beatnik poetry. > Felistian skin was covered by fur, blushing was > something one did that was never seen by another. MIKE: Except your fleas. > She > wondered why the Human had so little fur on his face when > his father had so much. TOM: His father is a member of ZZ Top? > That thought lead her to wondering > what colour the fur on the rest of his endearingly gawky > body was. CROW: Here's a possibility; the same color as the "fur" on top of his head. > Assuming he had any fur on his body. MIKE: You know, any other furry author would have had Alis twitch and flick her tail about twenty times by now. > A furless > manling was a fascinating concept to her, it was one she > decided to investigate. TOM: I guess PETA's anti-fur ad campaigns must have failed. > Later, of course. CROW: First, there was the Junior Jumble to attend to. > Her lips twitched again as that thought lead to other > concepts to be explored, like the one about anatomical > differences between Terran and Felistian males. TOM: Humans lacked that pesky explosive navel, for example. > Her mother > had hinted that there were definitely differences and if > she'd only take the time to investigate she'd discover those > differences were extremely pleasing ones. MIKE: And yet, MY mom always tried to avoid that subject at all costs. CROW: Is it too early to feel like I need a shower? MIKE: Probably. But keep the Lever 2000 on standby, just in case. > The leer that had > been on her mother's face at the time told Alis exactly what > *that* meant. TOM: It looks like we're in for some Rishkatha here. MIKE: Borgia family values. > Julian's blush deepened by about ten shades as he > noticed her gaze had drifted down to his groin. TOM: Just a typical night of batch-watching for Alis. > He felt an > ache there that was becoming increasingly familiar-he felt > it every time he was around the Princessa. CROW: We've secretly replaced Julian with Oscar. Let's see if anyone notices. > He wished he had > a table, chair or conveniently placed large potted plant to > hide behind. MIKE: A call quickly went out to the director of _Austin Powers_. He'd be able to help. > He knew what would happen next and he didn't > want it to happen while she staring directly at the last > place he wanted her to be staring at. TOM: (singing) I enjoy being a prude... > Extremely embarrassed and desperate to escape further > embarrassment he tried to make use of a technique his father > had taught him for moments like this. CROW: Picturing Richard Simmons naked. > He pictured the > ugliest girl he'd ever seen standing before him making kissy > face. MIKE: Making kissy face? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? > Then he followed that up by imagining himself being > stranded naked on an iceberg during a blizzard. CROW: I guess Sisko must be the only person left who just thinks of baseball in this situation. > That was definitely the wrong idea, the next thing that > filtered through his hyper hormone influenced brain was an > image of the Princessa naked on the iceberg with him. TOM: Then he imagined the Titanic hitting the iceberg. MIKE: Then he imagined that his heart would go on. > Her > hands moving over his body, her soft lips on his CROW: Cats have lips? > as her > hands stroked his... CROW: His what? His bassoon? His slinky? His pool cue? We need an object here, people! > He banished the fantasy, shivering all over and barely > repressed a groan as he felt the natural response to such > fantasies take place. MIKE: Shame, guilt, and withdrawal? > Then he found cause to send silent > thanks skyward to what ever God was listening. TOM: Actually, it was Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light, who helped Julian out on this one. > Her gaze had > strayed back to his face. CROW: (Alis) Here, Gaze! Here, Gaze! Sooeee! > His gratitude to the Gods however, was to be short > lived. MIKE: Alis told him she liked him as a friend. > "Mother always said CROW: (singing) There'd be days like this. There'd be days like this, my mama said. MIKE and TOM: Mama said, mama said. > Terrans make better breeding > partners than Felistian males - which is why she arranged to > lure one here in the first place. To supply me with one so > that I can do my duty to the clans and create an heir to > follow me, should I fail my life test," she announced. CROW: Hey, I think I see a vortex from _Sliders_! Oh wait, that's just a gaping plot hole. > Julian's brain was so fogged with desire and > embarrassment that the sheer fear that statement should have > engendered didn't occur for at least five seconds. MIKE: Julian's from the shallow end of the gene pool. TOM: While we're waiting for Julian's neurons to kick in, why not go to the kitchen and fix yourself a snack? > Within > the next tenth of a second later it sank in TOM: And we're back. Hope you enjoyed the break. > and his fight > or flight reflex kicked in as all his father's warnings > about Felistian women and their sexual activities raced > through his mind. CROW: Go Mind Racer, go! > His hands started scrabbling for the door > handles behind him. MIKE: Typical behavior for a sixteen year-old male faced with an attractive girl who wants to breed. > A scowl appeared on Alis' face as she saw the Terran > scrabble for the handles and start to turn away from her. TOM: H-A-N-D-L-E-S, on a double word score. Twenty points. > "That would not be wise. CROW: Whereas you're a regular King Solomon, Miss "Let's freak Julian out by providing exposition". > If anyone but I had caught you > here, in this section of the palace, you would be in > extremely deep shit right now, manling," she snapped, > irritated with herself for being ticked off by his reaction. MIKE: Ooh, been reading up on Earthly... uh, I mean Terran slang, Alis? TOM: (Alis) And if thou wert to attempteth coppething a feel, thou wouldst be so boned! > After all, she *Did Not* want to breed. CROW: She'd rather be... a LUMBERJACK! > Her first > experience with males had been truly terrifying. MIKE: But she survived Tailhook and went on to appear in this story. > Even now, a > year later, she couldn't stand to be in the dark without > losing her mind with fear that the experience would be > repeated. TOM: Shouldn't the authors have sprung this news on us once they make us care about Alis? > Julian's frantic attempts to open the door and bolt > ended in a moment as he realised the truth of her words. CROW: (Julian) She's right! Diet Dr. Pepper really DOES taste more like regular Dr. Pepper! > He > wasn't supposed to enter this part of the palace. MIKE: The balconies are restricted areas? > The > Matriarch had personally told him to his face that he was > forbidden access to it, under threat of death or worse if he > should ignore the notice. TOM: So, let's recap. She lures Terran males to the planet for breeding purposes, and thinks they're going to perform better under threat of death? > He turned back to face the Princessa and wished he > hadn't, her face was thunderous. CROW: Thunder... thunder... Thundercats HO! > "I'm dead," was all he could think. MIKE: A _Ghost_ crossover? Noooooo!!! > Alis' nose twitched as his fear scent peaked. TOM: His fear scent has more ups and downs than the New York Stock Exchange. > With an > effort she rearranged her features into a smile, meant to > calm him as she considered what caused it to peak. CROW: (Alis) Threats of death frighten these people. How odd. I must make a note of that. > "Don't fret my pet." MIKE: (Steve Urkel) I'll have this camera fixed before you can say cheese. Heh, heh, heh. (snort, snort) (TOM makes crashing sounds) MIKE: (Urkel) Did I do that? > "I'm not a pet!" ALL: I am a free man! > He said, clearly, his stutter > vanquished by the flash of temper brought about by her > words. TOM: (Julian) How dare you say that PCs are better than Macs! > "Oh, yes you are. CROW: (Alis) In fact, you're a pet dog. So I'm going to hiss and scratch you now. No hard feelings, 'kay? > Only a pet would walk free and > clothed without a collar in a living den." MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Alis, female chauvinist pig. TOM: The part of Alis will be played by Andrea Dworkin. > "I'm not one of your Men, CROW: (singing) Not one of your twisted friends. > I'm a Terran male." CROW: (singing) I'm the one you couldn't love. > "I know," she said calmly. MIKE: (Alis) Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. > "Terran males are not the brainless pets your men are. CROW: Say, the Felistians have a Matriarch, right? TOM: Yep. I bet they have someone called "Talker to Critters" who knows a Wuis Lu, too. MIKE: And they wander around the galaxy looking for timefreeze boxes that the Enslavers left. > We have brains in our heads and we know how to use them, > just like you do." CROW: (Alis) Then why can't you take yourself to a barber? MIKE: (Julian) I'm working on that. > "Ah, the Manling has claws," she said amused and > delighted with this show of fire in his veins on his part. TOM: I'd rather not hear about the veins on his part, thank you. > Julian blinked away at that, he didn't understand the > reference. CROW: Hey, we explained the really obscure ones in the back of the ACEG. (MIKE whispers something to CROW) CROW: Oops. Sorry. > "It's an old Felistian saying, to show fire is to show > ones fangs, or claws. MIKE: (Alis) To show fire is to have Moxie. To have Moxie is to show fire. Are you getting it yet? > And since male kits are declawed at > birth, it's even rarer to hear someone say it about a > manling," she informed him calmly. TOM: (Alis) Unfortunately, declawing renders them incapable of hunting, so we females have to kill all the food. Despite being sapient, we're pretty stupid. > "Oh," was all Julian could think to say. CROW: Just think, some day this guy will be a doctor. > He was hovering between fear and total confusion. MIKE: You've just described every day of high school for me. > This > girl could switch between moods at the drop of a hat. CROW: Sombrero dances always cheered her up. MIKE: Uh, Jules, ALL women are like that. > He > didn't know what to make of it. TOM: But he made a mental note to hang on to his hat. > "You are like a kitlet - eager to leave the littery and > explore the big wide den to be found outside. That I can > understand. CROW: (Alis) But I can't understand why you listen to Melissa Etheridge albums. > But - Be warned Manling, Curiosity killed the > kitlet." MIKE: But it hired Johnny Cochran as its lawyer and got an acquittal. > "We say, Killed the Cat" TOM: Or the catlet. > "It is the same thing. CROW: (Alis) My race is too lazy to come up with original expressions. MIKE: Well, of course they are. They're cats! > This in not a safe place for an > intelligent Manling to be in. TOM: (Alis) Which is why we brought you here. > Stay in the Den, CROW: Yep, stay in the den, pop a couple towskis, turn on the Dolphins-Chiefs game, and kick back. > do not wander > outside the areas that you've been assured are safe zones > for you to be in." she warned. MIKE: (Alis) Avoid school zones, war zones, erogenous zones, and the highway to the danger zone. > A chill ran up Julian's spine. TOM: As if he'd just bitten into a York Peppermint Patty. > While his father's > warnings had virtually gone in one ear and out the other, CROW: A cliche so delightful, the authors used it twice. > this was something completely different. TOM: And now for something completely different... Julian catching a clue. > The Princessa was a > native, MIKE: And Julian was one of those damn tourists who appeared every summer. > she had first hand knowledge of the dangers the > planet held for him. CROW: She knew that Hanson had fled to this planet after being banished from Earth. > Her warning carried far more weight > than his father's had and Julian took it to heart. TOM: So his own father's words mean less to him than those of some cat-like person he has a mild case of the hots for? > He > silently vowed to never again wander outside the safety > zone, MIKE: And into the Neutral Zone. > if only he got out of this mess alive. CROW: (singing) In the year 2355, will Julian get out of this mess alive? > "I j..just w..wanted to f..find sss..some th..thing to > do. TOM: (Julian) Life is so much better when there's some little something to do. > I'm ss..so bored. MIKE: Geez, he's talking like a cartoon snake. CROW: Maybe a race of Riki-tiki-tavis will show up later. > There's nothing to do in the safety > zones." TOM: I think what he's trying to say is (singing) give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above, ALL: (singing) Don't fence me in. > Alis doubted it, guests of his calibre were always > installed in the west branch, MIKE: Where they became a stickling point in the ongoing Felistian-Palestian Negotiations. > fitted out with state of the > art gyms, exercise areas, music rooms etcetera... TOM: (King of Siam) Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. > "Being bored is better than being dead manling," she > responded coldly. CROW: Though anyone still reading at this point will probably disagree. > Julian's blood ran cold, MIKE: So he turned up the thermostat. > he was certain now that she > was going to kill him. CROW: Come on, she's just dressed up as an executioner for Halloween. Don't be so paranoid! > She was toying with him, the way a > cat plays with a mouse. TOM: (singing) The Itchy and Scratchy show! > He was sure of it. MIKE: Of course, he was also sure that Bigfoot was secretly controlling the US government. > He wanted to run > back to his room. CROW: Because he knows it's Prince Spaghetti night. > To run to his father and hide behind him. TOM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. > Anything but be alone with this extremely dangerous girl. MIKE: I think one of the authors is projecting just a wee bit. > Then she flashed him a gigawatt smile that lit up her > face,t made his heart stop and the ache in his groin, that > had faded, return with a vengeance. CROW: Shouldn't Julian run when a carnivore bares its teeth at him? > "But when you're bored out of your gourd danger doesn't > matter. MIKE: Alis speaks in rhyme all the time. > You'll do anything for excitement. TOM: You'll walk through New York wearing a suit made of $100 bills. > I know the > feeling oh sooo well right now." > Julian's heart restarted CROW: It's a good thing that Alis had those defibrillation paddles with her. > and started pitter patting at > high speed. MIKE: Julian is so easily led, he's an insult to teenage boys everywhere. > "I'm bored silly myself, everyone seems to be too busy > to give me any of their time, TOM: Well get some time of your own and stop bumming theirs! CROW: (Alis) No one's willing to peel grapes and feed them to me. My life is miserable. > and there's nothing to do. MIKE: Well, you could sit and watch the tube... CROW: But nothing's on. TOM: Call him pathetic, call him what you will. > I > can't even waste time by cleaning my suite, there are > servants who do it for me." TOM: She's basically Cinderella in reverse. She WANTS to clean, but no one will let her. > "Then we're both in the same boat," Julian interjected. CROW: The Lusitania, to be exact. > "It would seem so," she said agreeably, then flashed > him another gigawatt smile. MIKE: She should put those smiles to some productive use, like powering calculators. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. Crow and Mike are in the middle of a heated argument.] CROW: I'm telling you, Mike - Edith Wharton could take Willa Cather in a fight. End of story. Just accept it. MIKE: You're crazy, Crow! Willa would mop the floor with Edith Wharton! I mean, the woman was built like George Foreman! CROW: Size isn't everything. Never underestimate the importance of good breeding. (TOM enters, wearing a sport coat, sunglasses, and a beret. His outfit and manner fairly scream "artistic pretension".) TOM: Cease this infernal literary debate, for I bring you tidings of earth-shattering import! CROW: (unimpressed) Let me guess - you found another broccoli that looks like Leo Sayer's head. TOM: I happen to have completed an important artistic endeavor. MIKE: Another crank letter to "Penthouse Forum", eh? TOM: As a matter of fact, what I have done is to take the situation comedy to a bold new level. Thanks to _Stolen Memories_, the idea of romance between man and beast is no longer taboo. It is in that spirit that I have created _Chad & Mittens_, the story of a stuffy, set-in-his-ways attorney who marries a free-spirited housecat. Although the program's boldness will be lost on you peasants, I will now show you a clip from the pilot episode. Roll it, Cambot. (We see a clip from the show on the "Stony" TV set, which is set up on the counter) [The title _Chad & Mittens_ is written in marker on a piece of posterboard which is briefly held up in front of the camera and then removed. After that, we see that a crudely-painted "apartment" backdrop has been placed in the background of the still-recognizable SOL bridge. GYPSY is behind the counter with fake cat ears and whiskers glued to her face. She is playing the role of Mittens.] GYPSY: Meow, meow, meow! (Canned laughter on the soundtrack. Then TOM enters, dressed in a suit and tie and wearing a hat. He is playing Chad. We hear some canned applause as he walks onto the set.) TOM: Hi honey, I'm home! Boy, what a tough day I had at the office! I couldn't wait to come home and have you start licking my face! GYPSY: Meow, meow, meow! TOM: You said it, honey! Now, how 'bout coming over here and rubbing up against me? (GYPSY starts rubbing herself against TOM's shoulder) TOM: That's the stuff. Can you cough up a hairball for your big daddy? You know that always gets me so... [SOL bridge. MIKE has seen enough. He turns the TV off.] TOM: Hey! What's the big idea? MIKE: C'mon, Tom. This is making me physically ill. CROW: I thought _The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer_ was the all-time low in sitcom tastelessness, but this one sinks even lower! MIKE: It's "Must Gouge Eyes Out To Avoid Seeing TV". (CROW and MIKE exit in disgust. TOM calls after them.) TOM: Good riddance, hypocrites! You're disgusted by the idea of erotic love between a man and a housecat just because it's new and unfamiliar to you! Anything that's different must be wrong! Well, I'll tell you something! You can take your bigotry and your preconceived notions and you can go ahead and stick them where... Oh, to hell with this. I'll just try to sell the show to the WB. They'll buy ANYTHING. (The yellow light flashes. TOM looks around.) TOM: Uh, Mike? Crow? C'mon guys, you know I can't hit the buttons. Oh well, I'm pretty sure it activates on its own if I don't do anything. [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (4/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:05 GMT Lines: 738 -------- > Ever so gracefully, apparently floating on air, she > crossed the balcony to his side to slip her arm around his > and patted his arm. TOM: Don't they make a cute couple? MIKE and CROW: No. > A seed of hope blossomed to banish the > chill from his spine and increase the heat in his groin. CROW: Here at Mission Ops Productions, we don't just mix metaphors, we batter them beyond all recognition. > "I'm sure we can find something safe and entertaining > to do and banish the boredom." She said. TOM: And with that, Pong was born. > Julian flushed again, his gaze locked on those soft > lips of her, MIKE: I'm impressed by these accurate descriptions of feline anatomy. > as a million and one `entertaining' thoughts > flashed through his mind. CROW: Hey, his mind is doing a _Battleship Potemkin_. > Most of them involved them getting > naked and running their hands and mouths over each other. MIKE: Others involved playing chess. TOM: And one involved tying a butter-side-up piece of bread to her back and dropping her from a great height to see which old saw wins out. > He > saw Alis's nose twitch and her glance drop down once again. CROW: (Alis) You smell like teen spirit. > He looked down to see an extremely obvious bulge at his > groin and blushed the deepest shade of red yet. MIKE: Jeez, pretty soon he'll be the color of a fire engine. TOM: Imagine how embarrassed he'd be if he lived in 16th century Spain. > In the next moment a gasp escaped his mouth, as curious > she reached out to lay her hand over it. CROW: Xi didn't know what to make of the thing. > She whipped her > hand back quickly with an instantly contrite look. MIKE: (Alis) That's it, huh? > "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just > curious." TOM: (singing) Do you really want to hurt me? CROW: This club has no culture at all. > "It didn't hurt," he croaked. TOM: (Michigan J. Frog) Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag-time gal! > Quite the opposite, go right ahead touch it all you > want, MIKE: (Julian) But if you break it, you bought it. > he wanted to say, but didn't. With the last shred of > sanity left, he reminded himself she was a Princessa, that > he wasn't good enough for her. CROW: This classist attitude is out of character for a Federation citizen. TOM: Look on the bright side. He could be singing "Uptown Girl" right now. > That worked a little. MIKE: Then he imagined Ted Kennedy in a lace teddy. That worked better. > He > visualised that god awful ugly girl making kissy faces and > chasing him around again. TOM: Forget cold showers, just pretend Andrea Dworkin is stalking you! > That worked even better. MIKE: He visualized Dom Deluise in a bikini. That left him impotent. > "Are you sure?" CROW: (Alis) Are you dry? > "Quite," he croaked, then cleared his throat. TOM: He's turned into Commander McBragg. > "What sort of .. entertaining activities did you have > in mind?" MIKE: I'm guessing that Julian might have a rousing night of stamp collecting in store for him. > He asked once he was sure he could open his mouth > without sounding like a frog or tripping over his tongue. TOM: He must have one long tongue. CROW: (with tongue out) Pleathe ekthuthe my thongue, it'th a little condithon I ha-- WOOOOAHHHH!! > *********************** MIKE: Hey, the fanfic is showing us its appendix scar. > Three days later Julian decided he was in sixth heaven, CROW: Won't God be suprised! > one step away from seventh Heaven, TOM: On the WB. > and well on the way there > in his opinion. CROW: (singing) Said young Julian, in my opinion, There's nothing in this world Beats a '52 Vincent and a cat girl. > The Princessa had come through on her > promise of finding safe and entertaining things to do - all > of it thoroughly non-sexual. TOM: Julian is "saving himself" in case he ever meets Soledad O'Brien. > So far, she'd shown him where he could find a gym, a > music room, an enclosed garden and indoor swimming pool. CROW: (Julian) Oh, so the gym is located behind the door marked "gym". I would have never guessed that. MIKE: Let's give Julian the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the Felistians model their houses on Doom levels and the gym is a secret location guarded by a Cyberdemon. > He'd made use of all the facilities except the pool. TOM: He had bladder control problems and didn't want to incur the wrath of whoever put up that "this is our ool" sign. > The > idea of being around her in a bathing suit made him break > out in a cold sweat. CROW: One can only hope James Brown brings a lawsuit. TOM: So the cat-like race LIKES getting wet? > Which is just what he was in at that particular moment > as he faced his father over the dinner table. MIKE: The sexual tension between Julian and his father had reached the boiling point. > His father had > finally gotten curious about his activities and Julian had > reeled off a long list. TOM: (Julian) Well, I didn't have sex, I went to the pool, I didn't have sex, I wandered a bit in the garden, I didn't have sex, I listened to some music, I didn't have sex, and I didn't have sex. > His father seemed pleased to learn > he'd made friends with the Princessa. CROW: (taunting kid voice) Julian's got a girlfriend! > So far so good. MIKE: (singing) You showed me how love is misunderstood... > Julian > needed his advice badly and braced himself for an explosion > as he outlined his particular problem with the Princessa. TOM: (Julian) She gets mad whenever I make wisecracks about her title being brought to us by the letter A. > He almost fainted with relief when his father laughed. CROW: (Julian's dad) I just remembered something funny from this Sunday's "Dilbert". > The rest of the evening passed in a series of lectures and > advisory sessions. MIKE: (Julian's dad) If you really want to attract her, I suggest running a can opener. TOM: (Julian's dad) When she witholds sex, just threaten to take her to the vet. > Then his father had pulled a small case > out of his gear and handed it over. CROW: (Julian's dad) Your real father wanted you to have his lightsaber when you were old enough. > "And if none of that works and you two get down to what > comes naturally..Exploring your sexuality, do it safely. MIKE: (Julian's dad) Wear helmets, day-glo vests, and knee and elbow pads. > Use > these." TOM: So Julian's dad takes condoms with him wherever he goes? MIKE: Maybe he moonlights as Trojan Man. > Julian took the case and looked inside at a good two > dozen foil packets, TOM: (Grandpa Simpson) Latex condo. Boy, I'd like to live in one of those. > confusion reigned. CROW: (Julian) What am I supposed to do with fruit snacks? > "Water balloons?" MIKE: Julian, don't try to riff your own fanfic. > His father laughed. CROW: (Julian's dad) Wasn't that a great episode of _King of the Hill_ last night? > "The last time you found them you were too young to > understand what they were for and thought they were water > balloons. TOM: (Julian) Uh, but Dad, the last time I found them was two weeks ago. > You're old enough to get the facts. CROW: (Julian's dad) They're for making balloon animals. Son, the truth is that your father's a party clown. > I'm sure > you've had lectures about *protection* during your sex > education classes, Julian." MIKE: It's porn that doubles as an Afterschool Special. > The blood rushed to Julian's face as he put two and two > together to come up with the right answer. TOM: Five. CROW: (Picard) THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS! > "We..ah.. TOM: (singing) Family! I've got all my sisters and me. > Talked about it, but the teacher didn't show > us any... Actual protective devices," he said explaining his > confusion. MIKE: He must have learned Sex Ed at a Catholic school. > "Well, now you've got them. CROW: (singing) Well, now you've got what you wanted... > I hope I don't have to tell > you how to use them. TOM: Or, God forbid, SHOW you how to use them. > I think you've got just enough grey > matter under that thick skull of yours to work that out for > yourself." MIKE: With a father like this, Julian must have the self-esteem of John Wayne Bobbit on a nude beach. > Julian's blush deepened, he hated being called `thick > skulled', but instead of complaining, he just nodded and > scurried off with the case before his father could start up > again. CROW: (Julian's dad) Four score and seven years ago... hey, get back here! > ********************** TOM: Orion really let himself go. > As the day's shared with Alis passed into a week, then > two, Julian learned how to better control his physical > reaction to her thanks to his father's advice. MIKE: He started picturing his father naked on the iceberg instead. > Yet he > couldn't stop thinking about her touching him, her soft lips > touching his, her hands on his body. CROW: The sweet sound of her voice as she delicately hawked up yet another hairball. > Every time she touched > him he wanted to grab her and kiss her silly - but like the > gentleman he was, he restrained himself. MIKE: Ah yes, the gentlemanly art of tying your hands to the bed. > Until - the pillow fight in her suite that turned into > a tickle fest. TOM: C'mon, put 'em up! I'll fight ya wit one pillow tied behind my back! > The Princess CROW: Sally? > pounded him to the floor with > her pillow then pounced on him to straddle his hips and > started tickling him mercilessly. MIKE: Bring out the Frisky in your cat-like alien. > He laughed, gasped and > squirmed under her trying to escape. CROW: From New York. > For a short while that > was all that was on his mind, that and returning the favour. MIKE: (Vito Corleone) Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask a favor of you. > Then he noticed the ache in his groin had gone beyond a > simple ache. TOM: It had also gone beyond Thunderdome. > His blood pounded in his ears and he could feel > his man hood straining against his clothing as it came to > rigid attention under the stimulation he was getting. CROW: (singing) Like a rock! > The blood rushed to his face when he realised she > noticed it at the same time. MIKE: Of course, with all his blood in his face, he lost his erection. > He held very still while she > slid back along his legs to look down. CROW: (Alis) Wheeeeee! > He closed his eyes > and tried every technique he could think of to get his > rampaging hormones under control. MIKE: Did he try pouring ice-cold Mr. Pibb down his shorts? > His efforts were shot to > pieces when he felt her hands moving over his clothing > finding the seals, CROw: All seven of them. > popping them open. TOM: Open sesame! > He kept his eyes closed and told himself this was just > another of his wet dreams, CROW: He has a recurring dream involving swimming? > a particularly vivid one, but a > dream nonetheless. TOM: (singing) Reality it seems is just a dream. He's ashamed to get it on with the daughter of a Queen, But what do you expect from a dork who's just sixteen, And hey, hey, hey, you know what I mean. > He jerked under her as she freed his > manhood from its constraints. TOM: Are they talking about his penis? MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions. > After a long pause and nothing > more he opened his eyes to look down, to see her looking at > him. CROW: Here's looking at you, wuss. > "It's definitely... different." She remarked. TOM: (Alis) It's so small. > He didn't have the faintest idea what she was talking > about, he didn't care, all he wanted was for her to finish > what she started. MIKE: Hey! That ain't no way to leave the broken hearted! CROW: He needs some sympathy! > "Felistian males have.. Small barbs along theirs." She > explained. TOM: (Alis) It helps to keep out intruders. > Suddenly Bashir realised something no one else outside > the Felistian people had realised. CROW: That Pauly Shore was a comic genius. > Excitement raced through > his veins as he imagined telling his father he'd worked out > why the Felistians had been capturing and enslaving Terran > men. TOM: (Julian) Hey, Pop! Guess what? Alis was looking at my penis, and she said that... MIKE: So sex with their own species is painful. There's an evolutionary advantage for you. > His thoughts scattered in the next moment as she > stretched out a hand to run it up the shaft of his manhood. TOM: The side of Garfield we never see. > He arched under her and let out a sound of pleasure. CROW: Coooooooooo-ookie Crisp! > She > stopped. MIKE: Dragging my heart around. TOM: Sounds vaguely Aztec. > "Nooo.. Don't.. stop.. That feels good.." He breathed. MIKE: (Alis) Uh, but I've gotten enough. > Her fingers brushed over him again to explore his > shaft, CROW: Shut yo' mouth! > slowly, sensuously, inch by inch. TOM: (singing) One inch at a time, sweet Alis... > Sounds of pleasure > escaped his throat unchecked as she continued. MIKE: Any sounds of pleasure to declare? > Then Julian's > voice was raised in thoroughly pleasant shock as her tongue > replaced her fingers. CROW: Must be 5:00. They're starting a new shift. TOM: Shouldn't she be using her tongue for something more important, like finding out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? > He writhed under her as she ran it up > and down his shaft over the head, MIKE: She's licking his car engine? Weird foreplay. > her slightly abrasive > tongue adding to the pleasure. CROW: (Julian) Ow! OWWW! Your tongue's like sandpaper! > Then she was gone. TOM: (matronly voice) Alis is in Heaven now, Julian. > He almost cried out totally lost in his ecstasy, MIKE: And unwilling to stop and ask for directions. > then > he felt her rising, the sound of clothing being shifted, > something hitting the floor. CROW: Something else hitting the fan. > He opened his eyes in time to > see her straddle him once again positioning herself over > him. His eyes widened, then rolled back in his head as she > impaled herself on him. TOM: The Confederation and the Kilrathi finally make love, not war. > He could feel her around him, soft, warm, pulsating, MIKE: It's DAMP! > making his blood race and the ache in his groin almost > unbearable. TOM: Someone should tell him the truth about cats and dogs. MIKE: You can love your pets, just don't LOVE your pets. > Nothing else happened she just remained as she > was - joined at the hip. CROW: (Julian) Hey Alis, aren't you going to introduce me to your siamese cat twin here? > Slowly he regained his wits enough > to look at her. TOM: (Julian) AAAH! I'm having sex with a cat! > She was looking at him. Then she locked her > gaze with his and moved upon him. MIKE: Then she stared at him. Then she made eye contact with him. > His eyes rolled back again > and he bucked under her to seek her warm haven once more. MIKE: Bermuda? > She moved over him leaning forward, resting her weight > on her hands and knees then started licking at his neck and > nuzzling at his ear CROW: (Fred Flintstone) Down, Dino! Down! > - all the while moving her hips over his > to a slow rhythm that well and truly scattered his wits. TOM: (Julian) Dah, whad is dat ya doing down dere, Missus Lady Person? > The > ache in his groin grew even more unbearable then he felt a > warm glow begin to spread through him - stars flashed before > his pleasure glazed eyes. TOM: Robert Goulet, Angie Dickinson, Don Rickles and the Smothers Brothers! > He felt her teeth on his neck, at his jugular, then her > fangs were piercing the skin. CROW: She's a praying mantis! MIKE: Good. > Pain filled his senses and his > hands came to her head grabbing at her hair. MIKE: (Julian) Damn you, Nosferatu! > As he prepared > to pull her off the pain turned to pleasure. ALL: (singing) Maso, masochist, I've got to be, a masochist! > His brain > almost overloaded from two different types of stimulants. CROW: Walking and chewing gum. > The first, his very first orgasm, TOM: Bronzed for posterity. > the second, the effects of > her venom as it was injected into his veins and travelled to > his brain. MIKE: That venom must dramatically cut down the number of second dates she gets. > He was lost, separated from his body, floating > somewhere incredible, surrounded by the most incredibly mind > blowing sights, sounds and feelings. CROW: (Julian) Wow! A new Star Trek series that's actually GOOD! TOM: Yep, he's hallucinating. > He had no idea how long > it lasted, only that he didn't want it to stop. ALL: Huh? TOM: I guess venom has the same effects as LSD. MIKE: So, we have a species here that has barbed penes AND venom, both of which make sex with humans more pleasurable than with each other. I can see the evolutionary advantage of that. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL bridge. No one is present. CAMBOT moves toward Crow's room.] [Crow's room. A table and three chairs are set up in the middle of the room. The table is covered with a tablecloth and there are four dinner settings on it. CROW is seated at the left end of the table, while GYPSY "stands" at the right end. TOM is seated at one of the chairs behind the table.] TOM: Okay, does everyone remember their parts? I'm Julian's dad. CROW: I'm Julian. GYPSY: I'm Alis. TOM: And Mike is... (looks around) not here. (shouting) MIKE! GET OUT HERE! MIKE: (from off-screen) I'm not going to participate in this. TOM: But Mike, you're the Matriarch! MIKE: (from off-screen) And that's why I'm not participating. CROW: But Mike, we can't do the skit without you! MIKE: (from off-screen) Oh, all right. (sighs) (MIKE enters, stage right. He is wearing a fursuit that makes him look like a humanoid black cat. He sits in the empty chair behind the table.) MIKE: All right, let's get this over with. (At this point, everyone slips into character) CROW: Hey dad, did you do anything diplomatic today? TOM: Of course I did, you numbskull. What do you think I was sent to this God-forsaken planet for? CROW: I hate it when you call me a numbskull! TOM: Whatever. So, what did you do today? GYPSY: He had sex with me! (TOM laughs) TOM: My little dimwit has finally become a man. Did you use those condoms I gave you? CROW: I sure did! I used them to make balloon animals! (TOM laughs again) TOM: No, you idiot, I mean did you use them when you had sex? CROW: Oh, so that's what they're for. (looks embarrassed) Say, if that IS what they're for, why did you bring them here with you? TOM: I always cheat on your mother when I'm away from Earth. I can't believe you're too dumb to figure that out. (laughs yet again) CROW: I hate being laughed at! TOM: Shut up. You know you deserve it. CROW: I do not! (CROW starts to cry) GYPSY: Don't cry, snooky-poo. I know what'll cheer you up. (GYPSY disappears under the table) CROW: Ooooh... that feels gooood... TOM: (to MIKE) Could you lift the tablecloth for me so I can see what's going on? (MIKE does so. TOM looks under the table and laughs harder than ever.) CROW: Don't stop... TOM: My boy's finally learned the real purpose of a woman's mouth! MIKE: Chauvinist pig. (TOM laughs again, then there's a long pause) TOM: Crow and Gypsy are supposed to return to the table now. (MIKE and TOM look under the table) TOM: They're still going at it. MIKE: Let me handle this. (loudly) Crow? Gypsy? You two do know that you're not anatomically correct, right? (Crow and Gypsy reappear) CROW: We're not? MIKE: Nope. CROW: Oh. (pause) Well, what the hell were we doing then? MIKE: It looked like macrame to me. GYPSY: Oh. Well, that's like sex, right? MIKE: No, it's like golf. Now if you were playing lacrosse, that'd be like sex. CROW and GYPSY: Ohhhh... MIKE: (to Cambot) We'll be right back. [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (5/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:01 GMT Lines: 511 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] TOM: Hey Mike, what exactly is anatomically correct for a non-anthropomorphic robot? MIKE: You'll learn that one in health class. > He slowly came to his senses noticing one sensation at > a time. CROW: Julian's brain isn't capable of multitasking. > First he noticed his back hurt and so did the back > of his skull. Then he noticed his neck throbbed, not > unpleasantly, but still noticeably so. TOM: Then he noticed that he was in a bathtub full of ice and "Call 911 or you'll die" was written on a sheet of paper taped to the wall. > Just after he > registered that, he registered a weight lying upon him CROW: Okay, ma'am. Pull this fanfic over to the curb. I'll need to see some registration. > pinning him to the floor and his ears picked up - contended > purring. TOM: One of Siegfried and Roy's tigers was lying on him. > He opened his eyes to find Alis looking down at him > with a very, very, very pleased look on her face. CROW: Although the wording here is ambiguous, I suspect Alis is pleased. > "Let's do that again," she purred, MIKE: (Julian) Opening my eyes turns you on? > then moved her hips, > drawing Julian's attention to the fact they were still > joined down there. TOM: He learned a sad truth - Krazy Glue is NOT a good lubricant! > He instantly came to attention within her, her purr > increased in volume. His hands found her clothing's seals > and he started popping them to strip her dress from her > body. MIKE: So Felistian fur provides NO protection from the elements? > As she moved over him, she returned the favour turning > their second coupling into a frantic divestment of clothing > and eager hands exploring the differences in the species - CROW: (Julian) Wow, you have an ammonia-based biochemistry! > and the sex. TOM: Yeah, the differences between this and GOOD sex! > Julian's second orgasm was better than the first. > His third came not so long after. CROW: Apparently, Julian is not a Taoist. > Recovering, after that, he came to the conclusion he > was missing out on something here and then it came to him, she was > doing everything to him, but he wasn't doing anything back to her. TOM: So he decided to entertain her by playing the violin. > She kept pinning his hands to the > floor when he tried to touch her. CROW: (referee) The winnah, and still champeen - ALIS!!! > With an inward grin he > solved that problem as her face hovered over his eyes > gleaming, he kissed her. MIKE: (Julian) Woohoo! I got to first base after only three orgasms! > She reared back looking at him > startled. CROW: (angry cat) Rrreooowrrr!!! > He half sat up and wrapped his arms around her to > bury his face in her incredibly soft fur, TOM: Just once, I'd like to see a furry with coarse fur. > nuzzling at her > breasts until he found a nipple. MIKE: Like a kitten, he had to find his personal nipple before nursing. > As he suckled at her breasts and ran his hands up and > down her back, she didn't try to stop him. CROW: (Alis) Should I tell him that there's milk in the fridge? Naaah... > It was all so new > and different to her. TOM: She was used to having sex with guys who knew what they were doing. > Julian felt her contracting around > him, alowly falling into sync with the rhythm of his > suckling. MIKE: Did we take a wrong turn and end up in one of Noah Singman's fantasies? > Eagerly he explored the phenomenon TOM: (singing) Phenomenon. MIKE and CROW: do do do do do. TOM: (singing) Phenomenon. MIKE and CROW: do do do do do. > changing the rhythm > and from slow to fast, TOM: Actually, that's tempo, not rhythm. > the contractions speed up, MIKE: PUSH! PUSH! > he slowed > down and took a deep suckle. CROW: Then suddenly his lactose intolerance kicked in. > She let out a caterwaul and her > purring hit new heights. TOM: Heh, it's funny, 'cause she's a caterwauling cat... just LAUGH! > She contracted around him, having > her first orgasm. MIKE: (Alis) Oh, Simba! > His head went back as he arched back, his > voice joining hers as they reached the pinnacle together. ALL: SURGE!!! TOM: That was almost as arousing as watching Jack Klugman and Angela Lansbury play strip poker. > ************************ CROW: It's Red Skye's internet password. > Julian lay on Alis's extremely soft and comfortable bed > stark naked as was she. TOM: Tony Stark naked? > Over a week had passed since they > had become lovers and he couldn't get enough of her. MIKE: Her tuna cassarole, that is. > With > every passing day he learned more about pleasing her, and > being pleased back by her in turn. CROW: Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing? > At that point in time, her extremely long and > thoroughly manoeuvrable TOM: Pat, I'd like to SELL a vowel! > tail was sliding up and down his > body in the most tantalising way. MIKE: Why is it that every single anthropomorph ever written into a story has a prehensile tail? CROW: Ahem. MIKE: Yes, yes, except for the Treecats. > He felt himself stir in > response and rolled over. TOM: The National Highway safety Bureau quickly issued a recall notice to all other owners of the '72 Julian, warning them of the danger. > Alis looked at him then moved to > straddle him, impaling herself CROW: To avoid spending any more time with Julian. > on him before lying over him > to start nuzzling at his face. TOM: (Julian) Ooh! Tuna breath! That's sexxxy! > For fifteen minutes all they > did was nuzzle, nip, kiss and lick at each other's faces. MIKE: You know, guys, this is actually pretty cute. CROW: Only in the sense that the "licking scene" from T2 was cute. MIKE: I kinda liked it. (the BOTS stare at MIKE) MIKE: What?!? TOM: Nelson, the more I learn about you, the less I want to know! > They were too tired from their previous lovemaking to get up > to anything more energetic. CROW: And guzzling all that Nyquil hadn't helped matters. > Alis pushed herself up then gave him a kiss so deep he > felt as if she was buried in him the way he was buried in > her. TOM: This is like an X-rated Big Red commercial. > When it broke off she pulled back to look down at him. MIKE: (Alis) Sorry about tearing that off. TOM: And the award for Worst Choice of Words in a Fanfic goes to... > "What do those words you keep saying to me when you go > to the pleasure place mean?" She asked. CROW: Julian's pleasure place is probably the couch in front of the TV. MIKE: Really? I'd pegged him as more of a Chuck E. Cheese kind of guy. > Julian couldn't believe it. TOM: (Julian) Fat free, half the calories, and all of the flavor? It's impossible! > "I love you," he said. CROW: (Alis) Forget it, Julian, you're not getting my Bud Light. > "What does it mean.. I love you?" MIKE: It means never having to say you're sorry. > "You don't know what love means?" TOM: No, and I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. I want to feel what love is, and I know you can show-- (MIKE puts his hand on TOM's shoulder) MIKE: That's enough, Foreigner. > "It is not a word I can find in our language files that > translates." CROW: Oh wonderful, now she's Data. "Counselor, can you explain to me this emotion that you refer to as love? I seem to have forgotten the explanation you've given to me in each of the last fifty episodes." > Julian racked his brains, then came up with a suitable > explanation. TOM: (Julian) Love is soft as an easy chair. > "It means, your the only person I ever want to do this > with." MIKE: Ummm... no, it doesn't. CROW: If it did, Barney's song would take on an ENTIRELY different meaning. > She considered that then kissed him again. TOM: (Alis) I always thought love was a battlefield. Guess I was wrong. > "I love you, too," MIKE: (Julian) Then I have my answer. I'm walking on air. > she whispered in his ear sometime > later as their lazy lovemaking turned urgent and passionate. CROW: I wonder if he'll sing her to sleep after the lovin' with a song. > Julian reached seventh heaven that day, and didn't want > to come down ever. TOM: But he had to attend band practice. > While he lay wrapped in her loving embrace on the > verge of sleep weaving fantasies about her MIKE: (Julian) Mmmm... bathtub full of Jell-O. > he decided this > was where he wanted to be, forever, with her. TOM: To heck with ever doing something productive with his life. > What did he > really have to look forward to otherwise. MIKE: A calendar named after him. CROW: And a type of fries, too. Get it? MIKE: Bashir fries? No, I guess I don't get it. > He had no idea > what to do with his life. TOM: Give it to Mikey, he'll eat anything! MIKE: Excuse me? TOM: Uh... never mind > His father thought he was a > numbskull just because he stuttered badly under stress. CROW: Maybe he could be the next Bob Newhart. > He'd > never be a diplomat or a professional tennis player and he'd > failed to find anything else that even slightly interested > him, career wise. MIKE: Well, other than being a towel boy in a Turkish bath house. > Now this... interested him. CROW: At least SOMEONE is interested. > He knew from listening that > Felistian Noble women had harems, that's what he wanted, TOM: He wanted a harem? Take a number, pal. > to > be in Alis's harem. (MIKE grabs a dictionary from under his seat and flips through it) MIKE: Harem, noun. 1a: a usually secluded part of a house allotted to women in a Muslim household. 1b: the wives, concubines, female relatives, and servants occupying a harem. 2: a group of women associated with one man. 3: a group of females associated with one male. Used of polygamous animals. Nope, nothing about groups of males here. > He wanted to be the harem. TOM: He wanted to be at her beck and call whenever she wanted to get some. > A harem of > one. CROW: That's the lonliest harem that you'll ever do. > And now he was certain that Alis shared the same idea > he did. MIKE: That Tito was the most talented member of the Jackson Five. > He drifted off into sleep with a smile on his > thoroughly satisfied with life at that time. TOM: I think Julian may have a fine future in animal husbandry, if you get my drift. > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART ONE > ****************************************** CROW: Please turn tape over. Please turn tape over. Please turn... > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that > runs concurrently with "The Hunted". MIKE: And coming into the home stretch, it's _Stolen Memories_ by a nose! It looks like this could be a photo finish, folks! > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. TOM: (Red Skye) To sum it up, PLEASE DON'T SUE US, PARAMOUNT! > Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. CROW: Or Sierra. I forget. They both have the same logo. > Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. MIKE: Their... mission... towrite... strangenew... fanfics! > Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions > first - except in cases of review. TOM: Does this count as a review? CROW: Joel Siegel raves, "_Stolen Memories_ is the feel-good fanfic of the year!" > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. MIKE: Wow, this one is of a pretty old vintage. CROW: But it hasn't been aged to perfection. > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au TOM: _Stolen Memories_, Australian for bestiality. > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) CROW: (singing) Goodbye Red Skye, hello blue, Nothing can stop me when I run away from you... [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. CROW is alone.] CROW: Heeeeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty! (CROW smacks his "lips" to call the cat) CROW: Here, pusspusspuss. I know a certain kitty-witty that's-- MIKE: (Quickly entering) Hey, Crow! CROW: WAUGH!!! GEEZ, you big piece of meat, don't DO that! MIKE: Sorry. Say, what're you up to? CROW: Nothin'. MIKE: Um, I'm pretty sure you were asking for a-- CROW: NO! Uh, noooooo. I was just calling for my friend... Muffin. MIKE: Muffin? CROW: Muffin. MIKE: Who is that and why are you calling him? CROW: Her. MIKE: Her? CROW: Her. Y'know that, uh, Alis likes to, um... lead... I mean she IS a princess. It IS her right. MIKE: Uh... yeahhhhhhh? CROW: Well, y'know, so, uh, I was hoping to... y'know... get... some... tips. MIKE: Crownelius Timothy Robot! That's disgusting! CROW: I'm sorry. But Tom had so much fun on the edge of the universe and I stayed here for 500 years! Judging by this story, cats know a lot about... pleasure. MIKE: Look, Crow. Number one, you don't speak cat. CROW: I could learn. I'm a fast learner! MIKE: Two, you don't even have a-- CROW: (interupting) One-eyed Pete? Pop-up Video? Mr. Blinky? MIKE: Will you quit it? Yes! That's what I'm talking about! CROW: Well, that hurt, Nelson. Julian doesn't have one either, and he seems to get a lot of pleasure from Alis. MIKE: Crow, do you realize what we're talking about? In front of thousands of readers? (CROW lowers his eyes, looking down at the floor) CROW: I'm sorry. MIKE: It's all right. It's all right. Folks at home, we'd like to personally apologize for this conversation. It was quite distasteful indeed. To hopefully make up for it and maybe get your mind off of it, we now bring you this clip of Brain Guy in a tutu. [Castle Forrester. OBSERVER is dancing around in a tutu to "The Sugarplum Fairy". It suddenly cuts off for a second of static and comes back to Castle Forrester, but with the live OBSERVER standing there.] OBSERVER: I'll get you for that, Nelson! Remember, people, you never saw a thing! (walks away grumbling) Damn security tapes... [Planet Bumper] > "Mother always said Terrans make better breeding > partners than Felistian males - which is why she arranged to > lure one here in the first place. To supply me with one so > that I can do my duty to the clans and create an heir to > follow me, should I fail my life test," she announced. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (6/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:40 GMT Lines: 787 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] CROW: Do you think I can get some tips from a muskrat? They seem to be in love. MIKE: Drop it, Crow. > Article 81 of 418 CROW: Collect them all! > > Subject: (REPOST) DS9 Story: 'Stolen Memories' - 2/9 MIKE: Yeah, I'd give _Stolen Memories_ about a 2 out of 9. > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/07 > Message-Id: <5at4ao$gl@the-fly.zip.com.au> CROW: Oops! The story forgot to zip its fly. > Organization: The Zipsters MIKE: When you've been kicked out of the Freemasons and the Knights of Columbus, try the Zipsters. > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica TOM: Who would have thought that four little words could be so frightening? > > WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes. CROW: No one under or over 17 should read it. > If reading about teen sex offends read no further. > If not read on and enjoy. MIKE: Do you want me to read on or enjoy? It's got to be one or the other, not both. > The Ed, Red. TOM: (singing) Come and listen to a story 'bout a woman named Red. A poor fanfic editor, barely kept her writers fed... > =============================================================== CROW: (singing) I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day... > STOLEN MEMORIES TOM: Swollen Mammaries is more like it. > Part Two CROW: The Quest for Alis' Gold. > Julian Bashir almost floated through the corridors of > the Prime Matriarch's palace as he made his way to the gym. MIKE: He's probably turned on by climbing the rope in gym class. > He was thoroughly oblivious to the glances he attracted > from the various noble women and servants he passed, failing > to notice the lustful look one woman in particular sent his > way. TOM: Unfortunately, that woman was Margaret Thatcher. > He was so busy mentally planning his day's activities > that he failed to notice much of anything, let alone the > women he passed. MIKE: (Julian) Okay, first go to gym class. Then have sex with the cat girl. Then watch _Dawson's Creek_. > First an hour of exercise was called for. CROW: I hope Julian doesn't start telling us how important it is to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day. > He'd > discovered muscles he didn't know he'd had and needed to > work out a few kinks that had developed overnight. TOM: (Julian) Out with you, BDSM! Out with you, erotic asphyxiation! Out with you, bestiality! Oh wait, I need to keep that last one... > After > the gym, he'd take a short trip to the indoor pool for a > leisurely swim. CROW: Will some please tell me why cat-like aliens have SWIMMING POOLS? > It was the best way to work out the last > of the kinks and relax. MIKE: Okay, Julian's going to exercise with Ray Davies. It's an unexpected plot twist, but let's see where it goes. > His swim would be followed up by a trip to his suite > where he would change into fresh clothes and gather up as > much of his gear as he could do without his father's > attention being caught by the missing items. CROW: (Julian's dad) Julian hasn't been here for a week, ho hum. (pause) Oh my God! His toothbrush is missing! > He'd drop his gear off at the Princessa's quarters TOM: If that isn't the name of a strip joint, I'm a talking cat. > and talk to her personal servant about lunch MIKE: I tHiNk YoU sHoUlD hAvE a PiZzA fOr LuNcH. > and then take > a quick trip to the indoor garden to collect a bouquet of > the Princessa's flowers. CROW: (Alis) Oh, so now they're MY flowers? When we bought them, they were OUR flowers! > He knew she loved those strange > mauve ones with a scent so faint he couldn't detect it, > but he knew her senses were better than hers. MIKE: Why did the authors just call Julian a her? TOM: Maybe he's Ranma. > He smiled to himself as it occurred to him to grab a > few extra flowers and smear them over himself to acquire > their scent. CROW: Cheaper and easier than using deodorant, I suppose. > He was sure the Princessa would appreciate it. > But first he'd check with her personal servant, MIKE: Played by Alan Napier. > just to make > sure their nectar wasn't poisonous. TOM: (Julian) Duh... I probably should've asked BEFORE I smeared 'em on myself. Oh well... > It wouldn't do to have > a poisonous substance smeared over his body if she decided > she wanted to do a little nibbling. CROW: (Julian) Stop nibbling me, Alis. You just ate! > A lovesick sigh escaped as the thought of her nibbling > his body brought back memories of the previous nights love > play. MIKE: And also memories of eating a box of Triscuits. > With those memories running through his mind he entered > the gym and set about relieving the various but not > unpleasant aches and pains the night's activities had left > him with. TOM: (Julian) Duh... dodgeball isn't as fun with just one person. > ******************************** CROW: Night of Thirty-Two Stars. > The Princessa had been curled up on the bed waiting > for Julian wearing nothing but a black silk robe loosely > tied around her waist. MIKE: So she's nude except for a kimono? TOM: Was she bareheaded under her hat? CROW: I just want to know why the Felistians import cloth from Earth. > Set before her was a folded puddle > of black silk and a black enameled case. CROW: Mike, how can you fold a puddle? MIKE: Uh... > Julian correctly > assumed both items were meant for him as he crossed the > room and climbed onto the bed to crawl across it and kiss > his Princessa. TOM: He really should've brought her a dead mouse as a love offering. > One kiss was all it took to revive the ache in his > groin. MIKE: Julian's groin - where one cat has gone before. > Her nose twitched CROW: (makes _Bewtiched_ sound) Tinka-tinka-tee. TOM: Poof. MIKE: SAM! > as their kiss broke up and CROW: Filed for divorce. > she > pushed him away laughing. MIKE: (Alis) You're such a pervert! TOM: (Austin Powers) Yeah, baby. (growls) > "Always so eager to get to the breeding part." > Julian flushed. CROW: About time, too. That bathroom! Whoo-whee! > It wasn't his fault if he couldn't > control his physical reaction to intimate contact with her. TOM: Intimate Contact, Alis. Tonight on Lifetime, television for catwomen. > She eased the sting of her remark with one of her gigawatt > heart stopping smiles and tapped his nose. MIKE: She never understood why he always went into cardiac arrest. > "Later." CROW: (Alis) "...With Bob Costas" was a great show, don't ya think? > He smiled and sat back on his heels, kneeling on the > bed before her. TOM: All of a sudden, he confuses his girlfriend with a statue of Baal. > She picked up the case and held it out to > him. MIKE: A mere case? Come on, Julian can drink at least a keg. > "I had this made for you," she announced with a > flicker of fear in her eyes. CROW: (singing) It's the eyes of the tiger... > Seeing that, Julian realised she was afraid he > wouldn't like the gift and resolved to smile and kiss her > till her head spun no matter what it was. TOM: Even if it's a tie? > He reached out to > open the box and lift the lid. MIKE: And Thing popped out. CROW: (Julian) Thanks. I, uh, always need a hand around the house. > Alis watched as Julian opened the box, eyes widening, > fury taking the place of adoration. CROW: No Julian, it's a FURRY that's taken your place of adoration. Stop confusing those two words! > "A slave collar ... *You* had a *slave* collar made > for *me*?!" TOM: Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier for Alis to rub up against Julian and leave her scent on him? > He spat furiously. CROW: You might say he was a Spitfire. Heh, heh. > "It's not a slave collar, Julian, it's a Consort's > collar." MIKE: Alis, that line didn't work with my ex. I doubt that it'll work with Julian. > "A Consort's collar???" TOM: (Alis) That, and a flea collar. MIKE: (Aladdin) I don't have fleas. (scratches his head) > "Yes, I want you to be my Consort." CROW: (Alis) What I'm trying to say is "I have sexually intercourse with you for the rest of you life!!!". > "Does this mean you won't take any other lovers?" He > asked. TOM: I'm sorry. All questions MUST be submitted in writing. > She was silent, a bad sign. MIKE: Not from this vantage point. > He knew it meant it meant > she was trying to find a way to say no that wouldn't dent > his ego. CROW: Or his Yugo. > He wanted to throw the collar across the room, TOM: (singing) When Captain America throws his mighty collar... > to > rage, to cry for dreams that would never be, for being fool > enough to believe she was different than the rest. MIKE: I just realized that Julian is kind of a big, whiny baby. CROW: Oh yeah? What led you to that realization? MIKE: Mostly the fact that acts like a big, whiny baby. CROW: Hmmmm. Interesting. > That she > wanted more from their relationship other than babies and a > toy boy. MIKE: That's funny, I was sure she'd also want a diamond. > "May the first mother take me once again to her den CROW: (Alis) To watch the big game. > if I lie when I say, I will *never* take another *lover*," > she began then drew in a deep breath to continue. TOM: Boom - I take a deep breath. > "I might be required to take another male as a breed > mate for breeding purposes because it is my duty to produce > offspring for the clan; an heir to follow me at the very > least." MIKE: I thought members of The Clans were born in test tubes... > Julian nodded, that he could understand and at that > moment in time he would have given anything to be the one > who fathered all her children. CROW: While she watched _All My Children_. > "But, it will be nothing but sex. MIKE: (Julian) Well, as long as you don't kiss, I guess it'll be all right. > No one will ever > take your place - In my arms, my bed, my heart..." She said > her voice husky. CROW: Then her voice pulled a sled in the Iditarod. > Julian's brain turned to pure mush. TOM: Normally, it's only 99% mush. > "I want only you to share my bed, my quarters ... My > life.." MIKE: (Alis) My laundry. TOM: So, where will she have sex with other men if only Julian shares her bed? > She finished her fear of rejection clear on her face. MIKE: For clear faces, use Clearasil. > Julian banished her fears with a kiss that said > everything he couldn't find the words to express - but most > importantly of all it said, *Yes* TOM: *We have no bananas*. > I want that too. MIKE: It also said "Wahhhh, I'm a big, whiny baby and I need changing". > When the kiss finally ended both were breathless and > Julian was aching to be one with her again. TOM: And that is why a man shall leave his abusive parents and join his wife, and they shall become one flesh. > Instead, he > reached down to pick up the collar and examine it closely. CROW: (Julian, reading) Made... in... China. > It was a highly decorated, jewelled and engraved gold > collar. MIKE: GOLD? You just said the secret woid. > The engraving, in Felistian script, read, TOM: "This boy belongs to __________". > "Property > of the Prime Heir" CROW: I'm not only the President of the heir club for furries, I'm also a client. > among something else he couldn't decipher. MIKE: The plots of David Lynch movies? > He turned it over in his hands to see it was lined with > the softest velvet to prevent the metal from biting into his > neck. TOM: But I thought he liked having his neck bitten! > He found the cleverly hidden catch at the back of the > collar CROW: (Julian) You're going to charge 19 percent interest? > and opened it then looked up to find his Princessa > watching him. MIKE: (Alis) Let's see if he can mess THIS up, too! > His gaze locked with hers he raised the collar > to slip it on and snap it into place around his neck. TOM: (Julian) Even though your definition of a consort is strikingly similar to the definition of a slave, right down to the fact that a consort has to wear a collar marking him as chattel, reminiscent of the Roman custom of requiring every slave to wear a belt bearing his owner's name, I agree to be your consort. > "There's only one thing I don't like about this," he > said. MIKE: (Julian) The sex. You really suck in the sack, Alis! > "That I must produce kits for the clan." TOM: I guess that means she'll be kit-bashing. > "Oh no, that I can understand... And I hope that I'll > be the only man helping you to do that." ALL: Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka-bwomp. > She reached out to brush her fingers over his lips. CROW: (Alis) That peanut butter on your lips was really distracting. > "That is my wish also, but, "she sighed, "it may not > be so. My mother had sixteen kits before I was born. TOM: (Julian) You misspelled "kids". CROW: (Alis) No, no. She had an infatuation with model ships. > Most > did not live, MIKE: (Alis) We had to eat them to survive. > and the others were examined and judged > unfit to eventually rule for various reasons. TOM: They scored poorly in the evening gown competition. > I was born > after she took a human mate and found to be what the > selectors consider perfect matriarchal material." CROW: SEE a race with a total lack of xenophobia! MIKE: (selector) We demand the right to be ruled by a half-human freak! > "Really, that means being a half breed won't affect > our children's chances of being selected as Primary Heirs." > "Exactly." TOM: Of course, they look unkindly on quarter breeds, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. > He smiled. > "If it is not the kitlet producing that bothers you, > what is it?" She asked quite curious. CROW: (quite curious) Don't ask me! > "It's what the collar says, '*Property* of the Prime > Heir', Alistriayen. TOM: Ah, so Alis is just a nickname. WHY DID WE HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG TO FIND THIS OUT?!? MIKE: Because "Alistriayen" is such a mouthful the authors didn't want to type it more than once. CROW: Or maybe "Alistriayen" is her full name, with "Alis" being a given name, "tri" meaning "daughter of" and "Ayen" being her mother's name. (pause) ALL: Naaaaaaah! > I'm not property. TOM: (Julian) I am not a number, either. > I'm a free man, MIKE: He was marked down from fifty cents. CROW: Still overpriced. > and > I don't like the idea of wearing something that say's > otherwise." TOM: So he's NOT down with being O.P.P. > "I'm sorry, Jules, but CROW: (Alis) I thought _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_ sucked. > that is the way things are > here, women own men, they are property..." MIKE: Wait, women are property, but they own men? TOM: (singing) We are all slaves to love... > "We have a saying, the times they are a changing ... TOM: (singing) Come writers and critics, who prophesize with your pens, and read this bad story, about equal rights for men. > Your empire is going through changes, CROW: (Julian) Constantine has made Christianity the state religion. > has been since our > peoples first encountered each other. TOM: Actually, all cultures are constantly in a state of flux, even when they appear entirely stable. MIKE: Thank you, Mr. Anthropology. > The treaty talks are > a sign of it." > She nodded. > "For a change to take place, someone has to be > willing to defy convention and tradition. CROW: (Julian) They're usually killed or exiled for their beliefs, but that will be all right. *I* won't feel a thing. Well, until you're removed and I no longer have a protector, but hey, you only live once. > Someone others > respect. MIKE: (Julian) Do you know where we can find someone like that? > Someone like you, the Prime Heir of the Supreme > Ruler of the Empire. CROW: Wouldn't a supreme ruler be one that had every system of measurement? > Someone no one will have the power to > censure for her choices." TOM: Let me get this straight. Just because she's the Dauphin, she can not only live a lifestyle that's repugnant to her culture, she can force it down everyone else's collective throat? Can't they burn her at the stake or something? > Had Julian's father been there, he would have burst MIKE: ...into tears. TOM: (Julian's dad, sobbing) My son is a cultural imperialist! > with pride at his son's little speech, which Julian had > borrowed from a book he remembered reading once. CROW: _White Man's Burden_? > Alis considered his words carefully. MIKE: And she decided he was full of it. > His look said if > you really loved me as much as you say, CROW: Then you might be a redneck. > you'd make a change > for me. TOM: Of course, real love means you don't try to change the other person. > She sighed, she could deny him nothing when he > looked at her like that. MIKE: I just know that, at the end, King Richard will return, reclaim the throne, solve everyone's problems, and let Julian marry Alis. > "You are right." CROW: (Alis) You listen to Rush Limbaugh, don't you? > She reached out to remove his collar and set it back > in the case. TOM: And Nancy Drew was on the case. (MIKE and CROW groan) > "Tomorrow I will take this back to the Jeweller and > have the inscription removed and replaced with one that > reads, MIKE: 'He pestered me into changing the inscription'. > 'Julian Bashir, Consort to the Prime Heir'." CROW: 'A Man Obsessed with Semantics', TOM: 'Vice-President of the Shaun Cassidy Fan Club', MIKE: 'And Archbishop of York'. > His face lit up with a radiant smile that made her > heart skip. TOM: (Julian) Alis, baby, you're the greatest! > She returned it with another gigawatt smile that CROW: Killed every living thing on the planet. > had him reaching for her to enfold her in an embrace. MIKE: Do not enfold, spindle or mutilate. > Kissing > her he lowered her back on the bed kneeling between her legs. TOM: And for some reason, he said two "Hail Mary"s and an "Our Father". > One hand fumbled with her robe's tie CROW: Neckties worn with robes, a new fad among the furries. > while the other moved > up her thigh. TOM: (singing) Well, we're movin' on up... > She shoved him off violently. MIKE: Is there any other way to shove someone? > He fell back on > to the bed, to sit up with a highly hurt and confused look, > mouth opening to ask why. CROW: Why ask why? > The sight of the sheer terror on > her face stopped him. He didn't know what he'd done to put > it there, but he wanted to be sure he never did it again. MIKE: We'll return to _What the Heck did Julian do Wrong?_ after a brief intermission. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE is behind the counter. TOM and CROW enter.] TOM: Mike, we want you to marry Gypsy. MIKE: (stunned) What? CROW: Well, we were going to ask you to enslave her, but today's fanfic has demonstrated the many advantages marriage has over slavery. TOM: Yeah, such as... uh... CROW: And, um... TOM: Well, suffice it to say that we've been convinced of the superiority of marriage. CROW: So we want you to give her this. (CROW lifts up his arms, revealing the black enameled case he's holding in his hands. MIKE lifts the lid and takes out a dog collar with some writing on it.) MIKE: So when I propose to Gypsy, I'm supposed to give her this dog collar? CROW: Yeah, but tell her it's a "wife's collar". (MIKE shakes his head and chuckles) MIKE: Okay, I'll go along with this. (shouting) GYPS, COULD YOU COME HERE? (GYPSY enters, stage right) MIKE: I had this made for you, my love. GYPSY: *YOU* had a *SLAVE* collar made for *ME*?!? MIKE: It's not a slave collar, it's a wife's collar. GYPSY: Does that mean you won't take any other lovers? (MIKE is silent for a beat) MIKE: Define "won't". GYPSY: Mike... MIKE: I won't take another LOVER, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. (pause) I might be required to have a big harem filled with gorgeous women for breeding purposes, but it will be nothing but hot, pleasurable, wonderful sex. I want only you to share my bed, my quarters, my life, and stuff like that. (GYPSY gives MIKE a kiss that says everything she can't find the words to express, but most importantly, it says "that sounds cool") GYPSY: I accept. Go ahead and put the collar on me. (MIKE puts the collar around a part of GYPSY's tube near her head) GYPSY: There's only one thing I don't like about this. MIKE: Oh? What's that? GYPSY: I refuse to wear this collar. MIKE: But I thought you just said-- GYPSY: (interupting) It says "property of Michael J. Nelson" on it. I'm not a number, I am a free woman, and I don't like the idea of wearing anything that says otherwise. (MIKE takes the collar off GYPSY, gets a black magic marker from behind the counter, crosses out the word "property" and writes the word "wife") MIKE: How's that? GYPSY: Perfect! (MIKE enfolds GYPSY in an embrace. The yellow light flashes and CROW hits it with his beak.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (7/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:21 GMT Lines: 742 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > "Alis ... What's wrong, what did I do?" MIKE: The Dew. > She just looked at him and slowly the sheer terror > was replaced with sadness. TOM: As she realized she'd been having sex with a complete loser. > "It wasn't what you did, it was someone else did to > me, before you ever set foot on this world." She responded, > then shocked him speechless by telling him CROW: A bedtime story. > of her first > terrifying sexual experience. MIKE: (Alis) It all started at the Kennedy compound... > He cried for her and with her as she recounted the > horrifying tale. TOM: I'm sure we'd be sympathetic if we knew anything about it other than the fact that it was "terrifying". MIKE: And the fact that Julian is crying doesn't increase the impact of the scene. Julian probably cries when he misses _Sesame Street_. > Suddenly he understood her need to dominate > in love play, why she was always on top, CROW: (singing) You're on the top - You're gonna win! You're gonna wiiiin! > in control. TOM: She's the boss. The Big Cheese. The Big Kahuna. > He > wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her telling her > everything would be alright. That he would let her dominate > him in that one area. MIKE: (Julian) It's all right Alis, I'll let you dominate my arms. > It was absolutely fine with him, he > thoroughly enjoyed their love making and had no problems > with how things had been progressing so far. CROW: Julian's really open-minded, isn't he? MIKE: Maybe that's why his brain fell out. > They talked for an hour, TOM: (Woody Allen) It was amazing. After an hour, I wanted to marry her. And after two hours, I completely forgot about stealing her purse. > she of her experience, and > other problems with 'mates', MIKE: Didn't we establish that she had only ONE mate before Julian? > he of his desire to be > everything she needed him to be in that area. CROW: He also told her of his passion for miniature golf. > They ended > with an agreement about how things would stand in the bed > chamber. TOM: (Alis, singing) If you wanna be my lova, you gotta... MIKE and CROW: AAAAAAAAARGH!!! > She the dominate, he the submissive, but outside > it, they would be equals. MIKE: Oh, that'll last five minutes. > Testing her power over him in the bed chamber she > moved back to lounge on the pillows and indicated the > forgotten puddle of black silk on the bed with her long > and extremely manoeuvrable tail. CROW: Which was more like a spider monkey's than a cat's. > "Remove your clothing.. *slowly* and put that on, > Consort," She purred in a command tone. TOM: There was a _Friends_ episode like this. > Julian willingly obliged her by obeying and she sank CROW: The Bismarck. > back on the pillows to watch his provocative strip tease. MIKE: That movie was provocative? > He > took his time slowly pulling his arms out of his sleeves and > let his shirt slide off his body to puddle around his legs, TOM: (singing) I'm too gawky, too gawky for my shirt... > then with a smile he stood and swayed on the bed to pop the > seal on his trousers. MIKE: What's with all this "pop the seal" business? Does everyone wear Tupperware in the 24th century?. CROW: Don't dis Tupperware, man. > Her smile turned lustful as he let the > trousers fall to the bed and pulled his feet free, leaving > him clad only in his CROW: Barbie underpants. > briefs, socks and boots. MIKE: Shirt, trousers, socks and boots... so Julian is either a Brownshirt or a Duke boy. > "I hope that you'll do this for me sometime," he > commented as he sat down and extended a leg out to her. TOM: Dhalsim! > She obliged him by pulling off his boot and tossing > it negligently across the room. CROW: (singing) These boots are made for mincing and that's just what they're gonna do... > Then she slowly pulled off > his sock and tossed that to give his tender tootsies a > tickle. MIKE: Tut, tut - tickling tender tootsies. TOM: Teasing and torturing the Terran tot. CROW: Taking time to tantalize his tuber-like toes. > He shrieked with laughter and pulled his leg away > to offer her that other as he caught his breath. The whole > procedure was repeated. MIKE: (Alis) Now you can't do that annoying Michael Flatley impression! > Then she waved her hand at him > languidly. TOM: (Alis, dully) Hi. > "And the rest." ALL: (singing) Here on Gilligan's Isle! > Julian stood again to peel off his briefs and MIKE: A woman screamed. > sent > them to join his footwear, CROW: In holy matrimony. > then simply stood where he was > naked as the day he was born letting her run her eyes over > him. TOM: He's imitating every Robert A. Heinlein character. > Her hand moved in a languid circle, indicating she > wanted him to turn around. CROW: (singing) Turn around, turn around, It's a human skull on the ground... > He obliged her by slowly > turning. MIKE: --into SUPER JULIAN! > She smiled. TOM: (Alis) Cool! He's a remote-control wuss! > "I've always been to busy with... other things to > notice how pleasing your body is to the eyes." CROW: (Groundskeeper Willy) THAT'S not what ya said the first time ya saw me! > Julian turned back to face her with a smile. MIKE: Submission with a smile. > "Your's is very pleasing to mine, Princessa." TOM: Julian hangs out a lot on alt.alien.sexkittens. > He told > her as he reached down to pick up the last of his clothes, > first he tossed the shirt, CROW: The Full Monty 2 - The Full Moron. > then he reached into his pants > pockets to pull out a silver foil packet before sending the > pants to the floor. MIKE: (Julian) I'm thirsty. Time to drink a Capri Sun! > "What is that?" TOM: (Julian) A brownie in statis foil. Wanna share it with me? > "This is something my father insisted I use, for your > sake and mine. CROW: _Men In Black_'s Neuralizer. > I should have been using them from the start, MIKE: Yeah, now he's at risk of catching cat scratch fever. > but.. I didn't think I'd need them, and after we became > lovers, collecting them from my room was the last thing on > my mind." CROW: The only thing on Julian's mind is the rabbits he wants George to tell him about. > "You have one now," she pointed out. TOM: (Julian) Yeah, I figured they weren't necessary during casual sex, but now that we're planning to have children... > "I have half a dozen in my pocket.. MIKE: Terrific. This loser gets lucky six times in a night, and I can't get a date. > Dad caught me > leaving my room and asked if I had them... Just in case, > he said." > "Does he know..?" CROW: ...the way to San Jose? > "I didn't tell him.. I'm not sure how he'd take it. TOM: Here's a wild guess; he'll laugh. > I > just know that so long as I practice safe lovemaking with > you, he won't go through the roof about it when he does > find out." MIKE: Instead, he'll come through the wall and join them. > "*Safe*, love making?" TOM: (Julian) Yeah, we have to slide to home plate before having sex. It's part of the "bases" metaphor. > "There are..things called STD's CROW: Stone Temple Drivers? > that people can spread > to other people when they have sex. MIKE: Madonna's book? > They can make people > sick, this prevents that happening," CROW: So, let's recap. Two species from different planets can give each other diseases. Never mind that, biologically, Julian has infinitely more in common with a jellyfish. TOM: Let us also realize that even if there were a REMOTE possibility of catching an STD, Julian would already be infected. So it's basically like putting on your seat belt after you crash your car. > he said, without > explaining further, he was sure she wouldn't appreciate the > birth control part of the explanation. TOM: And she's too stupid to realize that they'll keep his sperm away from her ova. > He ripped open the packet with his teeth MIKE: Sheesh. It's the 24th Century and they're still unopenable. > and extracted > the flesh coloured sheath inside, discarding the packet. TOM: As if it wasn't enough that he had unprotected sex with a cat, he's a litterbug, too! CROW: Now a Native American is going to show up and start crying. > He > was about to make use of it, when it occurred to him, it > might be very enjoyable to have her put it on for him. MIKE: You guys get the feeling Alis is gonna be picking out Julian's clothes for him before too long? BOTS: Oh yeah. > He > smiled at her and then made a come here gesture. TOM: (Scorpion) Get over here! > Curious she moved to kneel before him. CROW: Then she kissed his ring and started calling him "Your Holiness". > He showed her > the sheath, explaining how it was supposed to be applied. MIKE: (Julian) I know it looks uncomfortable, but dad swears you have to attach it with a staple gun. > She listened intently then took it from him and followed > his instructions to the letter. TOM: She put it over his head and he did his Howie Mandel impression. > His head dropped back and > he drew in a deep breath in pleasure as her fingers moved > over his manhood drawing the sheath into place. CROW: Mike, I know that I'm just a robot, with no genitalia of any sort, but I'm kinda curious here. Does anyone actually refer to that as their manhood in real life? MIKE: Only William F. Buckley. > She looked > up at him then continued until she was sure she'd followed > all his instructions to the letter, then curious she ran > her fingers along the sheath covered shaft. TOM: Unfortunately, being covered by a condom really made Shaft angry, so he shot them. The end. > He reacted wonderfully. CROW: To the thorazine. > Assured the sheath wouldn't > spoil any of his pleasure she moved back to kneel, sitting > back on her heels just out of his arms reach. MIKE: Tragically, Julian was born with arms that were only six inches long. > He let out a > deep shuddering breath as she looked at him. TOM: (Alis) Are you having a spazz attack? > She picked up > the robe and held it out. CROW: (Alis) Put this in the hamper, Consort. > He took it and put it on enjoying > the feeling of the soft silk caressing his skin. TOM: Then Alis grabbed Julian's clothes and ran out of the room, laughing. Julian was now faced with trying to get to his room wearing nothing but women's clothing. MIKE: Uh, Tom? TOM: That's what happened in the _Friends_ episode. > Alis made a 'kneel before me' gesture. MIKE: Kal-El, son of Jor-El, you WILL bow before me! > Bashir kneeled > and started sitting back on his heels - Alis held up a hand. CROW: (Alis) All right? S'all right. > "No, consort. CROW: (Alis) We are going to the opera instead. (MIKE and TOM groan) > I have been learning what pleases you to > assure that you would be so lost in your pleasure that you > wouldn't harm me. TOM: Stop, or I'll harm you! > It is time for you to do the pleasing," > she announced. MIKE: (Mae West) Doctor, peel me a grape, oh! > Bashir considered it. TOM: What, is he hoping for a better offer? > "What do you want me to do?" CROW: (Julian) I slave all day so that you don't have to lift a finger and it's still not enough for you! What do you want from me?!? > "Anything you want short of anything violent and > actual penetration." TOM: Well, I guess bringing over the Dallas Cowboys to join them is out of the question then. > Sometimes Julian wished she wasn't so graphic. That > she'd learn to use more romantic terms, as he had. MIKE: Yeah, terms from _Party at Kitty and Stud's_ are much more romantic than the ones in the dictionary. > He took > a deep breath and considered his options. TOM: (Julian) If I jump that checker, she'll be able to get a king... > He knew that > anything that involved her being placed in the subservient > position was MIKE: Fun. > out. He wasn't into violence and the only thing > he could really think about that he really wanted to do, > she'd said was out to. CROW: (Julian) She won't play Monopoly with me! Waaaah! > What to do? MIKE: How about strip Magic: The Gathering? > Doing something he'd > already done didn't seem quite right. CROW: So wearing his chicken suit to bed was out. TOM: That was on a _Mork and Mindy_ episode. > She obviously wanted > him to come up with something new to do the way she had > been doing over the last week as she learned what made him > go wild with ecstasy. MIKE: (singing) Wild thing, you make my heart sing... > After thinking about it for quite some time it came to > him. > "Lie back, against the pillows the way you were before." TOM: (Julian) And I'll draw a hilarious caricature of you. Tell me, do you play any sports? Tennis, maybe? I'm really good at drawing tennis courts. > She looked at him for a pause and then moved to the pillows > to lounge there. CROW: I guess she thinks Julian is going to do a lounge act. > He followed her and kneeled beside her to > start laying soft kisses all over her face. MIKE: While laying hard kisses all over her elbows. > "I (kiss) am (kiss) TOM: Kirok! CROW: My own grandpa! MIKE: The Last Dragon! TOM: The Last Son of Krypton! CROW: The terror that flaps in the night! MIKE: The very model of a modern Major General! > going (kiss) to (kiss) kiss (kiss) CROW: Bang (bang) bang. > you (kiss) all (kiss) over. MIKE: (singing) 'til the night closes in-n-n-n... > (Kiss) From (kiss) head (kiss) > to (kiss) toe," he announced. TOM: (singing) From head to toe... > And he did, planting soft little kisses from her head > to her toes, giving the most attention to her mouth and her > breasts along the way. CROW: THAT must have taken a while... > When he reached her feet and started > kissing them, she squirmed shifting her feet, legs parting > as she tried to draw her foot away, being very ticklish > there. MIKE: Yes, her bunions are very tender. > Julian took the opportunity to move between her legs > and planted kisses on the only place he hadn't kissed so > far. CROW: Her left thumb. > What he liked to call her pleasure place, TOM: Since calling it her pussy would cause too much confusion. > because he > got the most pleasure when he was in it. MIKE: Even more than when he watched _Battlestar Galactica_? CROW: (Alis) It's always about you, isn't it? What about my needs? > Alis sucked in a breath. TOM: Well, the first two words are accurate. > Julian looked up with a > mischievous little grin, thinking back to all the times > she'd kissed his genitals, MIKE: He kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls. > then he proceeded to lavish her > pleasure place with kisses, soft kisses, hard kisses, deep > kisses. CROW: (singing) Kisses sweeter than wine. > She squirmed and writhed, her breath coming faster > with each passing moment, purring as he grew more > emboldened and began to stoke her nether lips with his > tongue tasting her. TOM: (singing) This is the best of it, forget the rest of it. Just for the taste of it, Diet Coke. > Her fur tickled his face and nose making him want to > sneeze. He reared back sucking in a deep breath and fought to > control it. MIKE: He really shouldn't be having sex when he has a cold. > Alis looked disappointed. He sneezed then > gave her an apologetic look. TOM: That sounds vaguely like a Haiku. > "Sorry..It tickled my nose.." He said in way of > explanation. CROW: After all this time, he realizes he's allergic to cats. > She forgave him when he bowed over her to start > kissing her again - but he had new plans now. MIKE: He was going to go on tour with Night Ranger. > He started > trailing kisses and nibbles from her pleasure place and up > her midriff while his hands drifted over her legs. He > inched forward between her legs slowly as he progressed up > her body then reached her breasts. TOM: That wasn't a long trip though. Being a cat-like being, Alis probably has four or five pairs of them. > As his mouth found her > passion swollen breasts and began to suckle there CROW: Got milk? > his hands > reached her pleasure place and he began to explore it with > his fingers. MIKE: I claim this land for Spain! TOM: _Stolen Memories_, starring Johnny Carson and Zsa-Zsa Gabor. > When she bucked under him sucking in a deep breath, > he knew he'd found her most sensitive spot and paid it great > attention, MIKE: Actually, she was just using her inhaler. > the way she'd paid great attention to the jewels > of his manhood when she'd discovered caressing them could > drive him to greater heights of passion. TOM: Why do I feel like I'm trapped in a bad Harelquin romance? MIKE: You mean there are good ones? > She squirmed and > writhed under him and he felt the heat in her pleasure place > rise as her pulse really started racing, then he got the > reaction he was waiting for. CROW: A spit take. > A hand drifted away to her buttocks CROW: Never to be seen again. > and he began > trailing kisses up her chest to her throat, along her jaw > and face till he reached her mouth. TOM: He's going to have to pick a lot of hairs out of his teeth tonight. > She brought her hands > to his head and kissed him back as passionately as he > kissed her. MIKE: She gave him a peck on the cheek. > Alis gasped her eyes snapping open as guided > himself to her pleasure place and buried his CROW: Stolen treasure, mateys! Ar! > manhood deep > within in a single thrust. TOM: This won't hurt at all, ma'am. You'll just feel a little prick. > He didn't move, he just looked in her eyes waiting. > She'd just now realised he was definitely in the dominant > position. MIKE: Or the missionary position. > He slipped his tongue in her mouth to explore it, > running it over the roof of her mouth. CROW: He then gave her an estimate on reshingling. > Her eyes, wide > already, widened further. TOM: She's morphing into one of those Keane "big eye" paintings. > This was a form of kissing he > hadn't been bold enough to show her, until that moment. CROW: That was also the perfect time to show her his bold barbecue sauce. MIKE: So, she's had sex before, but the idea of a French kiss is too daring to show her, until now? > As her eyes fluttered closed and she returned the > kiss in an exploratory manner he moved, withdrawing almost > all the way from her pleasure place. TOM: This sounds less like a sex scene than a military strategy. CROW: Say, isn't "Pleasure Place" the name they use for those playgrounds at McDonalds? > He broke off the kiss taking a deep breath and in a > voice husky with passion told her, ALL: "Woof!" > "Show me what you want > me to do." Then he kissed her again, the same way, MIKE: (Alis) Well, first I'd like you to--MMF! > as he > thrust back deep into her. She responded by wrapping her > legs and arms around him, not to mention an increase in > the volume of her purring. TOM: Looks like the catnip is kicking in. > She showed him exactly what she wanted with her mouth > and hands. CROW: She wanted a new scratching post. > He lost himself in the sensations, rational > thought fled, MIKE: Actually, I think that happened some time ago. CROW: Like the beginning of this story! > leaving only one behind TOM: And what a behind it was! > - that he please her. > And so he did. MIKE: Well, you could have just said that then and deleted most of the last few pages! (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks up TOM and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (8/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:41 GMT Lines: 573 -------- [SOL Bridge. Mike is behind the counter, on the right. To his right is a nude Ken doll. The Bots enter stage left.] TOM: Mike, what are you doing with a DOLL? MIKE: Well, my barrel-bodied bosom buddy, the strange names Mission Ops Productions uses for the sex organs has made me wonder what it would be like if people used silly names for other parts of the body. And who is better qualified to display non-sexual body parts than Ken? What I'm going to do is point to each body part, and I want one of you guys to come up with a silly name for it. I'll demonstrate. (Mike points to one of Ken's eyes) MIKE: Globes of sight. TOM: That sounds like it came out of _The Eye of Argon_, Mike. MIKE: Shut up and play along. (Mike points to one of Ken's ears) TOM: Dishes of hearing. (Mike points to Ken's nose) CROW: Uh... flesh-colored slide? (Mike points to Ken's mouth) CROW: Um, how about "maker of words"? (Mike points to Ken's chin) TOM: Leno's trademark! MIKE: That's very good, guys. Now, what have we learned from this little exercise? TOM: That people should use the correct names for all body parts? MIKE: That's right, Servo. (Mike and Crow turn to face Cambot) CROW: This public service announcement has been brought to you by SPACE, Sane People Against Crazy Euphemisms. MIKE: Remember everyone, the dictionary exists for a reason. Use it. (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their seats.] > The night turned into a long and extremely pleasurable > exploration of the ways they could make the other writhe and > scream in ecstasy. CROW: Okay, I declare a moratorium on the use of the words "explore", "exploration", and "exploratory" for the rest of the fanfic. > Before it was through, Julian had used up > all of the sheaths he'd brought with him and wished he'd had > the sense to bring more. MIKE: He liked to fill them up with maple syrup and drop them out the window on people's heads. > Then he wondered why he'd even > bothered after all, they'd been lovers for a week, and if he > was going to catch something from her, he'd have already > caught it by now. TOM: "Condoms - why even bother?" This message has been brought to you by the Council to Promote Unwanted Pregnancy and the Spread of Disease. > They made slow sweet love one final time without any > form of protection. CROW: Allowing the attacking Moors to invade the palace and slay them. MIKE: (George Costanza) No. It's the Moops. > As he'd approached his climax, Alis > gave him one of her mind blowing love bites, injecting her > euphoriatic venom into his veins. CROW: (Julian) Bite me, it's fun! TOM: Hey! "Euphoriatic" isn't a word! I'll have to call a technical foul for that one. > It reached his brain at > the same time as he reached climax and he lost himself > completely. MIKE: So the moral is that sex is more fun during an acid trip? > He came to his senses with Alis curled up at his side > almost asleep, lazily stroking his body with her tail. > "I was thinking.." CROW: (Alis) ...about putting new wallpaper in this room. > "Thinking what? TOM: (Alis) Thinking about how great it would be to become a celibate nun and never have another degrading sexual experience like this ever again. > "My mother, named me after my father, Alistair.." MIKE: (Alis) You may have heard of him. He hosted _Masterpiece Theater_. > Her hand wandered up his chest and throat to his ear > caressing it. CROW: (Alis) Hey, you're not Leonard Nimoy! > "I think.. I'll name the first born girl, Juliairyen.. > After you." TOM: Their other children will be named Morris, Luna, and Eek. > Suddenly Julian remembered the other reason his father > had insisted he use the sheaths. MIKE: To ensure that Julian's blighted genes would never be passed on! > It wasn't only the spread > of STD's they prevented. CROW: Severe tire damage? How can condoms prevent THAT? > He went into full panic mode for a > second. Then another part of his brain said, TOM: (Brain) Julian, are you pondering what I'm pondering? > gibbering about you numbskull, MIKE: (Julian's brain) She's a different species! There's no chance of her getting pregnant! > if you don't give her babies > she'll have to go looking for a man who will. MIKE: Bill Clinton? TOM: Thomas Jefferson? CROW: Zeus? > And if you do > give her babies, she won't have too, now will she.> MIKE: (Julian's brain) And remember to pick up some Slim Jims the next time you're out. I love those things! > He smiled at her. > "I think, TOM: Therefore I am. > I like the idea, and if it's a boy, we can > call it Alistair, after your father." CROW: (Julian) Since my father doesn't have a name. > She didn't hear him, she fallen asleep while he'd been > thinking about becoming a father. TOM: (singing) In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight... > ************************ MIKE: Alis' hairballs. > Julian's reminiscing was cut short as a purring voice > dragged his attention back to the present. CROW: Julie Newmar? TOM: Lee Merriwether? MIKE: Eartha Kitt? > "Well, well, well.. What do we have here?" It purred > at him. CROW: (Gypsy) Lookee like we got us some Terran troublemakers! I'm a-gonna hafta bring you in! > He looked up from the exercise machine he lay upon to > see Alis. MIKE: (Julian) I told you not to bother me while I'm on the Soloflex. > He blinked and did a double take. No.. It wasn't > Alis. CROW: It was the one-armed man! > This woman was older, and had no fur. TOM: Impressed by the ads, Hilfy decides to try Gillette. > Her skin was the > colour of black coffee and her eyes matched. MIKE: 100% Columbian skin. > She was to put > it mildly stacked, a real bombshell. TOM: Looks like Jane Mansfield's been hitting the tanning salon! MIKE: "Mildly stacked"? > Before Alis, Julian's > reaction would have been immediate attraction and an ache > in the groin. CROW: Before _Artemis' Lover_, my reaction to this story would have been immeadiate revulsion and an ache in the head. > Especially when such a magnetically attractive > woman was looking down at him with a smile that said, 'I > want to jump your bones'. MIKE: (Julian) Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? TOM: (Mrs. Robinson) Do you want to be seduced? Is that it? > Now he was immune. CROW: He'd been given the polio vaccine. > He only wanted > one woman, and that woman was Alis. MIKE: That's right, a monogamous relationship inhibits normal biological functions. > "If it isn't my sister's pet manling." The woman > purred. TOM: (Julian) Hey, I've had all my shots! > Julian remembered Alis mentioning she had sisters, > most of whom hadn't lived too long after birth. CROW: Will someone please tell me WHY the Felistians have an infant mortality rate higher than in the Middle Ages? > This had to > be one of the ones who'd survived. MIKE: Or did it? BOTS: DUN-DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUN!!! > He wondered if her lack > of fur was one of the reasons she hadn't been selected as > Prime Heir. TOM: Actually, the real reason was that she performed poorly during the talent competition. > "I'm not her pet," he retorted automatically and just > caught himself in time before following it up with an "I'm > her consort". CROW: (Julian, sobbing) It's true! I am her pet! > Alis had asked him not to mention to anyone, until > she'd had time to work out how to spring it on her mother. MIKE: Yeah, Julian's not the kind of boyfriend you want to show off. > He started to sit up deciding he didn't like the way > Alis' sister was looking at him. It made him feel like he > was a lower life form and he didn't like feeling that way. TOM: Unless it was ALIS making him feel that way. > He felt that way around his father whenever he made some > stupid mistake. CROW: So, Julian feels that way most of the time? > "That's not what I hear manling," She responded > raising a leg to plant her foot on his chest and push him > back down on the exercise bench. MIKE: (drill sergeant) I want you to give me ten sit-ups, manling! > Julian's pulse started racing and he tried not to > panic. Panic was bad. TOM: From the "dur-hey!" school of philosophy. > He could get out of this, if he stayed > calm there was half a chance he could talk her out of what > he was sure was on her mind. CROW: Having lunch? > "I also hear, you Terran males make breeding a rrreal > pleasurrrre." She purred, leaving Julian with absolutely > no doubt as to what was on her mind. CROW: Playing backgammon! > "I'm not Alis's pet, but I am her lover .. And I > don't think she'd like it very much if she found out you > were pestering me." TOM: (singing) My girlfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble... > She leaned forward over him, grabbing his face in her > hand, MIKE: (evil sister) Alas poor Julian, I knew him Horatio. > putting more weight on his chest in the process. CROW: It sounds like Julian is being pressed. TOM: Confess that ye art a witch! > "What makes you think, you'll be able to tell her, > manling." She purred. CROW: It's too bad that Eartha Kitt got typecast like this. > Julian realised this was one extremely dangerous woman MIKE: And not twelve short men stacked on top of one another, as he'd prevously suspected. > and that if he didn't work out how to make her go away, he > probably wouldn't live to tell the tale after the fact. TOM: What was your first clue, Sherlock? > Her tail curled around to start running up and down > his legs, brushing over his groin several times, drawing a > natural uncontrolable response from Julian. He flushed from > head to toe as she saw the response and leered. He felt > thouroughly humilated. MIKE: Which was pretty much par for the course for Julian. > "If you don't..leave me alone, I'll scream." CROW: Starring Neve Campbell. > "No one will hear you manling, TOM: They're in space? > go right ahead, in fact, > if you like, I can give you something to scream about." MIKE: (evil sister) Ice cream. > And with that Julian felt her claws against his flesh > piercing his skin. CROW: No, wait, Julian! You're on the workbench of nails! > Now it was time to panic. TOM: (Julian) Let me check my Filofax. Hmmm... Tuesday night, "Have kinky sex with Alis". Wednesday Morning, "Panic". > He drove his > arm up palm flat, under her chin, Her head snapped back and > she reared away, dragging her claws through his skin as she > went. (ALL hum the Classic Star Trek fight theme) > He screamed in pain and sat bolt upright, then jumped > up bolting for the exit. MIKE: Oh no you don't, Julian. If WE have to suffer through this story, SO DO YOU! > She shook her head to clear it and > saw him race away. CROW: (Julian) Ha ha! She'll never catch me now that I'm a chariot driver at the Circus Maximus! Eat my dust, Judah Ben-Hur! > With all the speed her species was > legendary for she pursued him. TOM: C'mon, kid, try some of my race's legendary speed. The first one's free! > With his head start, Julian managed to elude her long > enough to get out of the gym and into the corridor. MIKE: (Julian) Cat Lovers Anonymous is at the end of this hall... > He > didn't get much further, like a big cat, she crouched and > then leapt through the air, CROW: (singing) She flies through the air with the greatest of fleas... (MIKE and TOM groan) > pouncing on him to take him down > to the floor. TOM: And Julian's dad walks by, oblivious to what's happening. > The went down in a tangle of limbs, Julian's > breath rushing explosively out of his lungs as he hit the > floor. MIKE: I told him not to eat that chili cheese dog. > Winded he lost his one and only chance to fight, CROW: What, is this _Rocky_ all of a sudden? > while she was regaining her feet. TOM: Ah yes, the epic saga of Alis' sister and her quest to recover her amputated feet. > He saw her draw back a > foot. > "No manling strikes me and lives," she said MIKE: She's a union buster! > Her booted foot stuck the side of Julian's skull > and he knew no more. CROW: There was no joy in Mudville that day. The mighty Julian had been knocked out. MIKE: So not only do Felistians need clothes, they need boots too. > **************************** > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART TWO > ****************************************** TOM: And now, PART FIVE... I mean THREE. > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story > which runs concurrently with "The Hunted". CROW: And in the home stretch, it's _The Hunted_ by a nose... > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. TOM: Despite appearances, the Kilrathi do not appear in this story. > Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. MIKE: Mission Opspossible, starring Tom Cruise. > Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions first - > except in cases of review. CROW: In case of emergency, break this fanfic. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. TOM: Well, a @ LOOKS like a ©. It counts. > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au > ----------------------------------------------------- MIKE: We'd rather make our comments here, if you don't mind. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. CROW is speaking baby-talk to an adorable little orange kitten that's sitting on the counter looking nowhere in particular. MIKE and TOM enter.] MIKE: (finishing a conversation)...and THAT is why parents would name their son Buckminster. TOM: Ooooohhh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up. MIKE: Hey, Crow. Whatcha doing? CROW: (looking up) Howdy, Nelson Mandela. I found my friend. MIKE: Oh, you mean, uh-- MIKE and CROW: Muffin. CROW: Yes. She's quite the conversationalist. Go ahead, ask her anything. TOM: Ooo, Ooo! Me, Me! Muffin, does my hoverskirt make my butt look big? (MUFFIN continues acting like a cat) TOM: (Running off sobbing) She isn't even dignifying it with an answer! (MIKE acts like he's about to chase TOM but stays put) MIKE: Servo, it was-- (sigh) (to CROW) What are you hoping to learn from that thing, anyway? CROW: Mike! She's not a thing! (to MUFFIN, in baby-talk mode) You pay no attention to him, my sweet. He's an incredibly sexist feeb. Don't listen to anything he says. MIKE: I know you're just using her to weasel out information about-- CROW: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM MUFFIN!! MIKE: You told me yourself. CROW: LIES! ALL LIES!!! MIKE: She's only a few months old! Your plan was doomed from the start. CROW: Muuuuuuffffiiiiiiiinn!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (starts sobbing) (MUFFIN puts a cute little paw onto CROW's nose. His sobbing stops.) CROW: (Sniffles) I always knew you loved me. You're the only one who understands me, Muffin. (MIKE walks away, throwing down his hands with a discouraged grunt) CROW: The mean man is gone, Muffin, we're alone now. Y'know, after the experiment, we could head over to the other end of the ship, put on some light music, turn down the lights, get some wine coolers... (MIKE returns) MIKE: (to CAMBOT) Folks at home, I'm sorry I forgot to play something to take your mind off this. Hopefully it's not too late for this clip of Bobo belly dancing to help. [Castle Forrester. We see BOBO belly dancing for about fifteen seconds.] [Planet Bumper] > "I (kiss) am (kiss) going (kiss) to (kiss) kiss (kiss) > you (kiss) all (kiss) over. (Kiss) From (kiss) head (kiss) > to (kiss) toe," he announced. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (9/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:22:39 GMT Lines: 530 -------- WARNING - The chapter of _Stolen Memories_ riffed in this part of the MiSTing contains scenes explicitly depicting rape, in both the regular and gang varieties. If you don't want to read such scenes, even if they're being riffed, please skip to Part 4. I'll recap the events of this part in the least offensive manner possible at the beginning of Part 4, so you'll be able to follow the plot without reading the rape scenes. [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > Article 160 of 418 CROW: That was Muffin! MIKE and TOM: We KNOW! > Subject: (Repost) Stolen Memories -3/9 (pre-DS9) MIKE: How can a story have a Part Minus Three? > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/08 > Message-Id: <5autbp$pa3@the-fly.zip.com.au> > Organization: The Zipsters > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > WARNING NC-17 FICTION: This story contains violence > and sex scenes, if reading about either offends read no > further. If not read on and enjoy. > > The Ed, Red. > > ============================================================ > > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TOM: Well, those are some positive signs! > > Stolen Memories > Part Three > > > Julian came to his senses foggily. MIKE: His decision to eat Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time had not been a good one. > Bit by bit ALL: (singing) Row by row, gonna make this garden grow... > sensations > registered in his foggy brain. TOM: His brain must be in London. > Muscles all over his body, > from head to toe, ached. CROW: (Julian) High-impact aerobics is NOT for me. > His face both stung and throbbed > where *She* had clawed him. MIKE: So Alis' evil sister is named "She"? Who is she, God's wife? BOTS: (chanting) She! She! She! She! > He was bound, TOM: To end up working at McDonalds. > from head to toe > with bands around his ankles, above and below his knees, > thighs, hips, waist, chest, wrist, above and below the > elbows, high up his arm and around his forehead. Clamps also > head his head in place keeping him from being able to move > it. CROW: It looks like somebody has been to one of Harry Houdini's yard sales. > He discovered all this and tried to move. TOM: After learning that he's being held down by twenty bands, Julian tries to move, proving that his skull is, in fact, made of scrith. > His eyes snapped open only to discover total darkness. He > couldn't see. MIKE: Then he realized he hadn't opened his eyes after all. Whoops! > Malicious chuckling reached his ears and he > became aware of a throbbing ache in his groin, and around > his manhood. CROW: Wow, the Joker's gone into the Bris business. > He realised in the next moment, the weight at > his hips was not a band but *Her* straddling his hips, > engulfing his manhood. TOM: (Julian) Oh, good, it's just *Her*. For a second there, I thought it was the Smashing Pumpkins. > He felt her moving over him, taking her pleasure from > him. CROW: And also taking five bucks out of his pocket. > `If I don't move, If I let her do what she wants, she'll go > away and leave me alone, he thought inanely. TOM: Out here, all alone in the hallway, naked, bound and gagged, with your johnson flapping about. Good plan, Jules. > Brain too > fogged by drugs for rational thought. CROW: I thought Pinky was the one incapable of rational thought. > He felt her nails rake down his chest. MIKE: Oh, she's Madonna. > A gasp of pain > almost escaped him, would have escaped, as her nails raked > over his nipples, but for the fact there was a strip of > something over his mouth preventing him from opening it. CROW: It's bacon! She gagged him with the rich taste of bacon! > Instead he breathed in deeply through his nose and whimpered > through the gag. TOM: Y'know, I think it was pretty darned inconsiderate for the authors not to supply air sickness bags with this story. > "It's about time you rejoined the ranks of the living, > Manling. TOM: Alis' evil sister IS Emperor Londo Mollari! > I wouldn't want you to miss all the fun," she > purred in such a way that a chill raced down Julian's spine > and a cold sweat broke out all over his body. MIKE: Mark this down: "Cat-like aliens' purrs are air conditioned". CROW: Got it. > Her idea of fun was to inflict as much pain as she could > possibly do. MIKE: Last night I was captured by this... TOM: Vengeful, sadistic Felistian? MIKE: Exactly. And she subjected me to... TOM: Hours of excruciating yet sensual torture? MIKE: Right. I HATE it when that happens! > Raking his skin with her nails, bitting, > scratching, flailing his legs with her tail, then winding > around them and slowly unwinding it. CROW: How much do you want to bet that Alis' evil sister will eventually be sent to jail for tax evasion? > The pain he was in was incredible. CROW: Why isn't WESLEY the main character of this story?!? > And it only got worse. TOM: She started reading _Stolen Memories_ aloud in a Fran Drescher voice. > Every twitch, jerk and arc he made increased the pain in his > back and from the awkwardness of the position he was bound > in and his inability to stretch and ease the kinks. (ALL utter confused murmurs) MIKE: That sentence needs something... perhaps burial. TOM: Wait, I'm still trying to make sense of it. "And from the awkwardness of the position he was bound in and his inability to stretch and ease the kinks." Nope, I'm still stumped. MIKE: Maybe it's in code. Maybe every letter stands for another letter, and when you unscramble it, it says "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese laundry." or something. CROW: All I got out of it was another gratuitous Ray Davies reference. > He could > feel the ache in his groin grow stronger and wondered why. TOM: Viagra? > All he wanted was to curl up and die, CROW: To die, to sleep, perchance to dream. Aye there's the rub. > but, he couldn't > curl up and he didn't even have the strength to cry. The > drug she had feed him while he was unconscious stripped him > of his ability to do so. MIKE: Me Julian. You evil cat woman. Me was feed drug while me sleep. > All he could do was whimper through > the gag and make sub-vocal noises. CROW: He's bound and gagged and STILL manages to be annoying. That's so... so... so Julian! > She became vicious, TOM: I guess the biting, scratching and rape were just her way of being affectionate. > digging her nails in as she raked > them over his body, leaving little trails of stinging fire > in her wake. CROW: (singing) Goodness gracious, great trails of fire! > He tail moved over his the jewels of MIKE: The Nile? > his > manhood. TOM: Ah, the Bashir Family Jewels. AKA the Hopeless Diamond. CROW: Has anyone been tallying the number of uses of the word "manhood" so far? I think we're into triple digits. > The throbbing increased and so did his efforts to > escape. MIKE: He began to dig an escape tunnel while Steve McQueen was in The Box. > "You won't cum, yet, it will take a long time for that," TOM: His sperm is on back order. > she purred maliciously, then described exactly what effects > the drugs she had used on him would have on a manling of his > age. CROW: In over two thirds of the cases, new hair was regrown. MIKE: Certain sexual side-effects may occur. TOM: Being in the same room as the drug caused less than 5% of subjects to spontaneously combust. > He was horrified. It wouldn't matter if he was conscious > or not. She could do what she liked. CROW: Oh, now it's an Apple Jacks commercial. > Use him and abuse him > to her black heart's content. MIKE: Dress him up as Holly Hobby and force him to attend imaginary tea parties in the back yard. TOM: (singing) Evil woman... CROW: (singing) Devil in a blue dress... > His body would react and he > couldn't control it's reactions. His horror increased as he > felt her reach across his body for something, and then he > felt it. MIKE: The first pangs of puppy love... er, kitty love. > A thick needle piercing the skin on his arm. TOM: So Julian is bound and gagged, and now he's getting a tattoo. Okay, we're up to date on this chapter. > It > slid through the skin and into his vein. CROW: Ewan MacGregor IS Julian Bashir in _Trekspotting_! > "This will give you the strength to remain conscious and > add sooo much more to the experience, heightening your > senses ten fold," she purred in his ear. MIKE: I propose we refer to Alis' sister as de Sade until she gets a name. TOM: I second the motion. > Slowly, but surely, she was proved right. CROW: Unfortunately, the proof was lost forever. We found the theorem in the margins of a notebook. > He felt new > strength, but also greater pain. MIKE: The same effect spinach has on Popeye. > He lost track of the time, > completely. TOM: He completely forgot _Judge Judy_ was on at 4. > Yet she wouldn't let him slip away in a faint. CROW: Oooh, oooh. Not slippin' away. > Each time he was close to doing so, MIKE: She started blasting her Sepultura albums. > she slapped his face and > bit the skin around his hard throat with her teeth making > him struggle all the harder. TOM: De Sade is not a very (Jerry Lewis) nice LAY-DEE! > Then finally sweet relief. CROW: (Julian) Ahhh, the Gas-X is starting to kick in. > He > felt ready to explode. MIKE: Is he Fat Man, or Little Boy? BOTS: Little Boy. > Her rough tongue moved over his > bruised throat over his jugular, then he felt the pin pricks > of her fangs on his skin. TOM: The special guest writer for this chapter is Nancy Collins. > `Please, god, CROW: I'm only seventeen. > don't let her bite me.' MIKE: (deep voice) This is God. Your prayer is very important to Me, but due to unusually high prayer volume... > Contrary to his pleas, Her teeth pierced his skin and his > vein just as he began to cum. TOM: So she's read Marv Albert's _The Joy of Sex_. > He arched under her scream CROW: McDonalds and Wes Craven bring you a Happy Meal you won't want to miss. > muffled by the gag. He felt her climax around his manhood, > her venom began to flow through his veins, like fire > spreading through out his body. TOM: Could she be doing this for the insurance money? MIKE: Don't you remember, Tom? In this story, venom is just like peyote. > Cold sweat broke out over > his body. CROW: His sweat staged a jailbreak? > His lungs ached for air, TOM: He's Mike Nelson! MIKE: Hey! TOM: No, I mean... never mind. > then he was lost. CROW: And Stanley had to find him. > Plunged > into the depths of hell. TOM: (Dante) Who is that guy plunging past us? CROW: (Virgil) I have no idea. > For the first time the tears feel, > unchecked streaming down his face as he moved under her, > mindlessly thrashing about, thrusting into her. MIKE: He's like a fish flopping around on a pier. > He didn't know how long it lasted, or what happened while > he was out. CROW: Empires rose and fell. MIKE: People lived their lives and dreamed their dreams. TOM: And a pair of people at a tree still waited for Godot. > He only knew when he finally regained his senses > she was lying on top of him, sleeping? Her tail was curled > around his leg and she breathed slowly and softly purring in > her sleep. Twitching now and then. CROW: She's probably dreaming about chasing Speedy Gonzales. > He groaned in pain and shame. MIKE: Not necessarily in that order, though. > She still engulfed him and > the ache in his groin had hardly diminished. TOM: (Julian) Duh... I wonder if Tylenol works on groinaches. > While the aches > and pains across his body were too much to bear. CROW: Say, where's his girlfriend during all this? MIKE: (Alis) Hmm. Both my betrothed and my evil, sadistic sister are missing. Oh well, back to the croquet tournament. > He slipped > away into unconsciousness as she stirred. TOM: She didn't want to have any lumps in her gravy this Thanksgiving. > Had he known what > she did to his body whilst he was unconscious CROW: "Whilst"? MIKE: Yonder word doth invite jest. TOM: Forsooth, verily. > he would have > thanked what ever god up there had granted him escape in > oblivion. CROW: I'm guessing Julian is one of those children of a lesser god we've heard about. MIKE: Yeah. Julian's god probably has to work a second job to pay the celestial rent. > *********************************** TOM: An ASCII millipede. > For three days and nights, she sexually tortured him CROW: If Anne Heche and David Schwimmer show up, I'm going to lose it. > until he couldn't tell the reality from the nightmare. MIKE: On Elm Street. > The > times in between when she rested, were hardly respite. TOM: She made him do one-arm push-ups. > She > would bathe his body with ice cold antiseptic solution, > alternately chilling his skin and leaving a trail of fire in > her wake where the antiseptic touched his wounds. CROW: So she's part evil Felistian and part school nurse, I guess. > Every > eight hours, she would rip the gag off his mouth making him > scream MIKE: Like the scared little girl that he is. > then almost choke him by sending a stream of water > into his dry and parched mouth. TOM: The inside of Julian's mouth is a scorching 98.6 degrees. > He learned to anticipate it > and stopped choking after the first three times. > Food never passed his lips. CROW: Do not pass lips, do not collect 200 dollars. > The only sustenance he > received was coming through the needle inserted in his arm. MIKE: She hooked him up to a gravy IV. > Intravenously, mixed with the cocktail of drugs she used to > bend him to her will. TOM: Yeah, a couple of cocktails and Julian bends to ANYBODY'S will. > Only when she went too far and he fainted did he escape > her torment. CROW: So our hero's three basic skills are crying, screaming, and fainting? Thank you, story. > And soon came to send prayers of thanks up each > time oblivion beckoned and pulled him down. MIKE: Oblivion sounds like a real nice guy. > An escape from > the hellish nightmares he was trapped in waking or sleeping. > Only when he fainted was he free of the nightmare. TOM: So he changed his name to John Ferguson and stood on a chair. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (10/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:48 GMT Lines: 806 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE and TOM are behind the counter. CROW rushes in, stage right.] CROW: Aaaaaaagh!!! Get her away from me! MIKE: What's wrong, Brandon Lee? CROW: It's Muffin! She's on a sexual rampage! TOM: I'm not sure if I want to know what that means. CROW: You've gotta hide me! MIKE: Whaddaya mean? What's going on? CROW: She keeps being seductive, y'know? Purring... purring. She also chases string, which is very metaphorical. You can't deny it. MIKE: I deny it. TOM: Yeah, me too. CROW: Okay, so I was wrong there. But she also likes to claw my bed and chew on me. MIKE: Crow, she's just a cat. She's doing what cats do. CROW: You mean-- MIKE: No. You're just looking too much into this. Not everything is a metaphor. CROW: Maybe you're right, Mike. But I feel like I'm naked and bound to a table, totally vulnerable to being raped by her. MIKE: Crow, you ARE naked! CROW: I am? (looks at himself) I AM! Good heavens, man, get me one of your jumpsuits! Quick, before Muffin impales herself on my manhood! MIKE: I've already told you, you don't HAVE a manhood. But if it makes you feel better, I'll get you a jumpsuit. (MIKE exits, stage left) (MIKE enters, stage left, carrying his forest green jumpsuit) CROW: Not that one, Mike. I definately don't go with that color. (Mike stares at Crow for a moment, then exits. He re-enters, with a red jumpsuit.) CROW: Well... I suppose that'll have to do. Now hurry up and dress me, before I'm bitten by Muffin! (MIKE starts putting the jumpsuit on CROW) CROW: Oh, the ache in my manhood is becoming unbearable! MIKE: Crow, you're becoming a little neurotic. CROW: You saw the same thing I did. We saw what de Sade did to Julian. We saw bestiality combined with rape. We saw everything good and beautiful in the universe being squashed like a bug. AND YOU CHASTISE ME FOR BEING A LITTLE NEUROTIC?!? (MIKE gets the lower half of the jumpsuit on CROW's legs) MIKE: Would it numb the effects of reading today's fanfic if I told you there was such a thing as _Home Improvement_ slash? CROW: Not even a crossover between _The Dukes of Hazzard_ and _Doctor Who_ written by David Gonterman could numb the pain of _Stolen Memories_. (MIKE finishes putting the jumpsuit on CROW) MIKE: Is that better? CROW: Much. MIKE: Well, you really went over the top this time, so I'm going to have to play my most disturbing clip of what the Mads do when they're not torturing us. Hopefully that will help the audience forget what you've done. Cambot, play Pearl-1. [Castle Forrester. PEARL is wearing a bikini and acting like a woman in a phone sex ad you might see if you're watching TV at 3 AM. She's gyrating, rubbing various parts of her body, etc.] PEARL: (singing) Pick up the phone... we could have a really good time... (There's a second of static, then we see Castle Forrester again. PEARL and OBSERVER are present.) PEARL: (to the camera) I wasn't going to make you read any more of today's story, Nelson, but not after what you just did. I'm extremely disappointed. Now go to the theater and think about what you've done. [SOL Bridge. Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium.] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! TOM: Yeah, thanks to YOU! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] MIKE: Sorry, guys. > *********************************************** TOM: Stars In This Fanfic Like Grains of Sand. > Julian awoke startled as a soft mist falling on his skin > that made it tingle all over. CROW: And yet, he hasn't noticed the vicious MiST that's been falling on him since the beginning of the story. > His startlement increased as > he realised, MIKE: That "startlement" isn't a word. > the pain that had been a constant companion > over the last.. three-four days was gone completely. TOM: Not even pain will hang out with him for long. > He felt > invigorated and for a brief moment imagined, he'd been found > and rescued. CROW: And that William Shatner was narrating said rescue. > Then he opened his eyes to pure darkness and > tried to stretch to discover he was still bound in the same > uncomfortable position. MIKE: And those nipple clamps were starting to itch like crazy. > "Ah, so, you're awake at last good." TOM: That's a funny way of distributing commas. MIKE: (Julian) Oh no. I'm in a WWII movie and I've been captured by the Japanese. > He tried to open his mouth, and found he could. CROW: Unfortunately for us. > When he > tried to speak, he found that he couldn't. CROW: Fortunately for us! > All that came out > was a dry croak. TOM: Julian Bashir IS Kermit the frog! > Water streamed in and he drank thirstily. MIKE: Isn't Thirstily a new sports drink? > Once his thirst was slaked the water stopped. CROW: His thirst is made of lime? > "I have had a medic attend to you. TOM: If you can call Doctor Dolittle a medic. > She said, the drugs > would kill you if I used them any longer." ALL: Use them longer! > Julian wondered if that was necessarily good news. MIKE: Well, is it no news? > "I had planned to kill you at this stage." CROW: (de Sade) Instead, I've decided to make you stronger. > Cold sweat broke out over his body and trickled down his > spine. TOM: Doesn't Julian have hot and cold running sweat? > "But, I might be convinced to change my mind, manling. MIKE: (de Sade) To be honest, I'm getting tired of having Ted Bundy's mind. > I > enjoyed mating with you," She purred. TOM: She must be REALLY desperate! > Julian wished he had the courage to tell her what he > thought of it. CROW: But being the emasculated coward that he was, he kept quiet. > "But, so far, the mating hasn't resulted in what it was > supposed to achieve. MIKE: Then it must NOT have been intended to drive the reader insane! > I want kitlets. TOM: (singing) You can't always get what you want... > You can supply them. CROW: (de Sade) And at wholesale, too. > You will from this point on do what I tell you when I tell > you. MIKE: De Sade IS Marrissa Picard! > When I tell you to serve, you will serve," She > continued. TOM: It all comes back to that failed tennis career, doesn't it? > Fury swept through him fanning the spark of defiance into > a roaring flame. CROW: I got burned out on that metaphor. > "Go to Hell." MIKE: Or at least Purgatory! > "I'll see you there first manling.. TOM: (de Sade) If I knew what Hell was. > But before then.. Id > suggest you reconsider..." CROW: Notice she's not ORDERING him to reconsider. She's just SUGGESTING he reconsider. TOM: She must have read _The Thirty Minute Manager_. > "I'd rather die." > "It can be arranged." CROW: Villain cliche #743. MIKE: (de Sade) I'll just take you to the vet and have you put to sleep. > The faint sounds of a door opening and several people > entering the room reached Julian's ears. TOM: Bravo! A brilliant retelling of a scene from _A Night at the Opera_! CROW: Honk! > "Ah, excellent, that will be all," She said. CROW: (de Sade) We'll have more cliche-ridden dialogue later. > He heard someone leave the room and the door closed once > more. TOM: Now he was alone on AIM. > She was silent. CROW: Just what we need; a soulless, sadistic MIME! > He could hear sounds of moment through > out the room, MIKE: Just what would a moment sound like? TOM: Um, I think it's kind of like a soft jiffy. CROW: No, it's more like a muffled, high-pitched while. > several people were approaching his location. > As they drew closer he could make out the sound of them > sniffing at the air. MIKE: (basso) Human! You will tell us - did you beef?!? > Then they were beside him, over him, > sniffing and touching him. TOM: Is he ripe enough? > Goose bumps rose over his flesh. CROW: Wow, there are books levitating over him? > Another trickle of sweat ran down his spine. MIKE: It sounds like there's a bobsled competition being held on his back. > He didn't even > want to think about just who was sniffing and touching him. TOM: For all he knew, it could've been Trent Lott. > He could feel fur, so he knew it wasn't *Her*. CROW: But it might be *Her* or *Her* or possibly even *Lisa*. TOM: Maybe it's Enkidu. > "Are you quite sure you won't reconsider, this is you're > very last chance. MIKE: (Julian) For the last time, I don't want to go to the prom with you! > Submit to my will ... Or pay the price. CROW: (de Sade) $19.95, plus shipping and handling. TOM: (Julian) Let me get my wallet... > And it wont be death.. At least.. Not yet." MIKE: It won't be death until... NOW! > He heard a soft growl. CROW: Roy Orbison was nearby. > Several soft growls. CROW: Several Roy Orbisons were nearby. > The hands > touching his body seemed to be everywhere, TOM: He's being fondled by Vishnu! > then one of the > people touched his genitals making him jump. MIKE: (Julian) Ooh, you've got cold hands! > `It cant get any worse than its already been. CROW: That'll be our motto for the rest of the fanfic. > Without the > drugs, it won't hurt so much.' He thought. MIKE: Great, the fanfic is turning into one of those anti-drug ads. > "You can force me to do what you want through drugs and > torture, but you can't make me do it of my own free will," TOM: Of course, that statement presumes the existence of free will... MIKE: Save the philosophy for someone who cares. > he answered her defiantly. CROW: Which makes sense, seeing as he's from DS9... > "I thought you'd say that." TOM: God, how predictably boring. > The hand on his genitals moved over his man hood and down > to the jewels below curious. MIKE: Sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds... > Then they move lower finding > his back passage, fingers began to explore it making him > gasp. TOM: Squeal like a pig, boy! > She chuckled. CROW: She just remembered a really funny "They'll Do It Everytime" cartoon. > Those fingers had short nails. CROW: So he's not being molested by ancient Chinese aristocrats. > Julian > knew only the men had short nails, MIKE: (Steve Martin) Those aren't pillows! AHHHHHHHHH!!! > cut back to prevent them > scratching the women. TOM: Yet they have barbed genitals. > He wanted to scream when he realised > the hands touching him belonged to several Felistian males. CROW: I wonder what Julian would tell the world if he could tell it just one thing. MIKE: Probably that we're all okay. TOM: Well, not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful, and useless in times like these. > He managed to choke it back knowing that she wanted to hear > him scream, that's why shed removed the gag. MIKE: (Julian) Do you expect me to talk? CROW: (de Sade) No, Mr. Bashir, I expect you to SCREAM! > He wasn't going > to give her the satisfaction. TOM: The pure chewing satisfaction. > Instead as the fingers moved > within him he whimpered. TOM: A short teaser from the upcoming _Star Trek: Deep Space Proctologists_ series. > "You had your chance to submit, you threw it away, if > you're lucky I might offer it to another day.. Have fun > boys," MIKE: Although with Julian, I wouldn't count on it being too much fun. > She said her voice getting further away with every > moment, TOM: (de Sade) I'm going to go write _120 Days of Sodom_. > then she laughed, triumphant and malicious. CROW: Right about now, the Great Old Ones are starting to look like nice guys. > Julian heard the door opening again at the same time as > the fingers were replaced by something he didn't want to > even think about as one of the males impaled him. TOM: Aslan, NO! CROW: I'm just going to assume that this is turning into a _Highlander_ crossover and that right now Julian's got a blade in his stomach. > Then the male began moving inside him and he began > fighting the bands holding him in place frantically. MIKE: He began fighting the Rollins band and Pantera. > His > teeth clenched, he tried not to TOM: Projectile vomit? CROW: Don't mind if I do. (CROW leans forward and mimes vomiting) > scream as the barbs on its > hot throbbing member caught on the sensitive flesh in his > back passage, then began to tear at it. MIKE: Come on Julian, It's no worse than when you got that pencil stuck back there! Take it like a man... ling. CROW: Yep, Julian's going to be shouting "There can be only one!" any second now... > He heard the door > close. MIKE: Finally, she's gone. Can you believe Jules actually wanted her as a sister-in-law? > His struggles to escape excited the male raping him > and he increased his thrusts, going deeper, increasing his > pace. TOM: I never thought Toonces would turn out like this! CROW: Quickenings and Watchers are afoot... > Julian began screaming them. MIKE and TOM: Them! Them! > His struggles causing the > bands to strip away flesh where they held him tight. TOM: Boy, those Felistian band-aids are REALLY strong. CROW: Oh, who am I kidding? It's not a Highlander crossover! Julian's being raped! (starts crying) MIKE: There there, Crow. (CROW continues to sob) > His scream rose higher, keening, as the male tore through > his flesh departing to be replaced by another. MIKE: Wow! I had no idea that the director's version of _Cats_ would be like this! (TOM starts whimpering) > This one > stretched his back passage as he entered. TOM: I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. > His movements > escalated the agony Julian felt as with each through came > new injury and greater pain. MIKE: (Julian) This is worse than the time that other alien race gave me an anal probe. TOM: I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. > The growls of the males increased, they were fighting > over him. MIKE: Uh, Red? There's an angry mob on alt.fan.furry that would like to have a word with you... TOM: And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. > He lost count of the number of times one was > replaced by another. TOM: Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. I must no-- ARGH!!! I can't take any more of this! CROW: Me neither!!! MIKE: Come on, guys, it's not that bad. We can make it. But we have to riff. It's the only way to survive. BOTS: Okay. > He lost his voice from screaming. TOM: Throat lozenges were added to the IV mix. MIKE: That's the spirit. > Then > he lost his mind. CROW: Then he lost his keys. It was a lousy day. MIKE: That's it. Keep 'em coming. > Sinking into oblivion praying as he did, > that he would never wake up. MIKE: Brought to you by Dog Fancy. > *********************************** CROW: AH! It's one of those barbed penises! (CROW hides under his seat) MIKE: Oh, great... > *She* returned to find Julian utterly limp in his > bindings, catatonic, in deep shock. TOM: He had watched _Star Trek V: The Final Frontier_. > She clammy assessed the > damage. MIKE: "Clammy assessed"? Are you implying that she was clammy and some sort of insurance agent? > Most he'd inflicted on himself with his frantic > struggles to escape. CROW: Can I come up now? MIKE: Yes, Crow. (CROW returns to his seat) > She noted the raw, swollen skin, > streaked with blood, his blood around the bands and his > between his legs. CROW: Felistians ate my balls. MIKE: That was really crude. CROW: I was just impersonating a bottle of Orbitz! > His eyes were wide open, unfocused and > unseeing as he whimpered and sobbed. TOM: Isn't this _Star Trek_? Can't he beam up or something? > Dark smudges ringed his > red rimmed eyes making them appear enormous in his deathly > pale face-skin taunt across his bones. MIKE: Hey, he's Marilyn Manson! > His skin was cold and > clammy to touch streaked with sweat and blood. He didn't > breathe so much as drag in breath to keep up the endless > litany of whimpers and sobs. CROW: (Julian) Just... caught... glimpse... of... UPN... schedule! > In her view, he was now thoroughly broken in. TOM: In his view, his keister hurt like hell. > She doubted > he'd defy her again. MIKE: Then again, accumulated knowledge isn't Julian's strong suit. > Now he knew the price of that defiance > was to become a play thing for her `pets. CROW: So the mere mention of goldfish will send Julian into a tizzy? > He'd be putty in TOM: Pink. > her hands, obeying her every command, submitting to her > every whim. MIKE: Kind of like the average husband. > The very mention of her pets would be enough to > ensure that. CROW: And if that didn't work, she'd bring out THE COMFY CHAIR! > With a smile she pulled a hypodermic needle from her > skirts and injected him. TOM: I wonder how many skirts she's wearing. MIKE: Victorians... IN SPACE! > Slowly the whimpers and sobs ended > and he fell into a deep sleep-on the verge of a coma. CROW: Why didn't she just force him to watch MTV? The effect is the same. > ********************************************* > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART THREE > ************************************* MIKE: And not a second too soon, either! TOM: (singing) A Red Skye at night may be a shepherd's delight, But she's cutting chunks from our hearts. > > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that > runs concurrently with "The Hunted". CROW: Which hopefully isn't as evil! > > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. Characters > copyrighted by Paramount. Alis, Alistair > and Felistians are copyrighted to Mission > Ops Productions. Reprinting this story in > whole or in part is denied without the > permission of Mission Ops Productions > first - except in cases of review. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap) TOM: (crying) Mike, I'm scared. (MIKE puts his arms around TOM) MIKE: We all are. Come on, let's get back to the bridge. TOM: (still crying) Okay. (MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. With their backs toward us, TOM and CROW are staring at a poster which is taped to the dog bone behind the counter. It's a photo of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy in their classic "Star Trek" outfits. The BOTS speak in brain-dead monotones, like elementary school students reciting the states and capitols from memory.] TOM: DeForest Kelly. CROW: Lt. Uhura. TOM: Space, the final frotier. CROW: Captain's Log. TOM: "Dammit, Jim..." CROW: "...I'm a doctor." TOM: New worlds. CROW: New civilizations. BOTS: Janice Rand. TOM: Highly illogical. CROW: Tribbles. TOM: Ricardo Montalban. CROW: Ensign Chekov. (TOM and CROW continue in this ping-pong manner as MIKE sneaks in and faces CAMBOT. MIKE talks over TOM and CROW's dialogue, which does not cease or even pause. We hear it only as background noise during MIKE's following speech, which is delivered in a hushed tone.) MIKE: Hi. As you might have guessed, Tom and Crow are trying to cope with the horror that is _Stolen Memories_ by concentrating on pleasant memories of _Star Trek_ when it was innocent, happy-go-lucky, and refreshingly free of inter-species rape. They're both on the verge of total emotional collapse right now, so I think I'll mess with their minds a little. Here's a little trick I learned from a correspondence course in subliminal messages. (We now hear TOM and CROW's dialogue loud and clear once again) TOM: Dilithium crystals. CROW: Warp drive. TOM: Phasers. CROW: Beam me up. (MIKE cups his hand to his mouth and tries to throw his voice. The BOTS don't seem to notice his presence.) MIKE: (quietly) Julian Bashir. TOM: To boldly go where no man has gone before. CROW: Scotty. TOM: Sulu. MIKE: (softly) Mission Ops Productions. CROW: Vulcan death grip. TOM: The Starship Enterprise. MIKE: (whispering) Alis. CROW: Gene Roddenb-- (breaking concentration) GAHHH!!! It's not working!!! TOM: What's the matter? CROW: No matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T shake _Stolen Memories_. Staring at this poster isn't helping. TOM: I know what you mean, Crow. It's like there's this little voice in my head that keeps reminding me of it. CROW: You heard a little voice, too? I thought I was going crazy. What does YOUR little voice say? TOM: It's been mentioning stuff about _Stolen Memories_, like Alis and Mission Ops Productions. CROW: Hey, that's what MY little voice has been saying, too! What a weird coincidence. TOM: That IS a coincidence! Hmmmm, you don't think...? (Finally, the mental lightbulb goes on. The BOTS turn around slowly to see that MIKE was standing behind them the whole time.) MIKE: (nervously smiling) Uh, hi guys! What's new? TOM: GET HIM!!! (TOM and CROW chase after Mike. The three of them exit, stage right. From offscreen, we hear glass breaking and furniture being knocked over. After a few seconds, MIKE ducks back into the shot.) MIKE: (frantic) Let this be a lesson - leave the psychological torture to the experts! (MIKE exits, stage left. The BOTS are in hot pursuit. We hear Benny Hill-type music on the soundtrack. The yellow light flashes. MIKE runs on-screen.) MIKE: We'll be right back. (MIKE runs off-screen, followed by the BOTS) [Planet Bumper] > His lungs ached for air, then he was lost. "Would you believe one of the collaborators was a big, hulking, hairy man who dropped out somewhere around Part 3 of _Stolen Memories_? I wonder why. ;)" -- Red Skye, January 12th, 1997. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (11/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:27 GMT Lines: 705 -------- For those of you who decided to skip Part 3, here's what happened in the previous chapter of _Stolen Memories_: Alis' evil sister takes Julian to an unknown location and forces him to mate with her for three days in attempt to impregnate herself. Since the authors never give her a name, Mike and the Bots christen her "de Sade". On the fourth day, she tells Julian to submit to her will or she will allow a group of Felistian males to use him sexually. He refuses to submit, and she carries out her threat. Afterward, she is convinced that, from now on, he will obey her every command, out of fear that the experience will be repeated if he doesn't. And now we return to the MiSTing. [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > Article 155 of 418 > > Subject: (repost) Stolen Memories - 4/9 (pre-DS9) TOM: DebSite #9? CROW: Hosted by Dichael K. Deylon. > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/08 > Message-Id: <5autje$pbm@the-fly.zip.com.au> TOM: (The Fly) Heeellllpppp mmmmeeeeeee!!! > Organization: The Zipsters MIKE: Weren't they on the Ed Sullivan show? > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: CROW: No Chipmunks under 17 inches in height should read this story! > This story makes references to sex, > and explores the after affects of rape while also > discussing life TOM: The universe, and everything. > in a Felistian Harem. If reading about that > sort of thing offends read no further. If not read on and > enjoy. > > The Ed, Red. CROW: (singing) I see Skyes of Red and clouds of white. The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night. And I think to myself, what a horrible fic. > ============================================================ MIKE: All ASCII characters are equal, but some are more equal than others. > > > > > > > > > > > ALL: Waiting... > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ CROW: That sign means you're pregnant with sixty babies. > Stolen Memories TOM: I hear that stolen memories fetch a high price on the black market. > Part Four MIKE: Felistians on Patrol. > Julian lay on a soft Harem bed curled up in a tight > little foetal ball CROW: Are you ready for some foetal ball? > - totally withdrawn - catatonic. TOM: His parents TOLD him not to watch scary movies, but did he listen? > His > skin was cold and clammy, taunt over his bones, the gaunt > cheeks and deep dark smudges under his eyes made him look > like a living corpse. MIKE: A vampire? CROW: No, just a vegetarian. > Faint red marks marked his skin from > cheek to hips. TOM: Julian, have you gotten into mommy's lipstick again? > At first there were whimpers, tears and racking sobs, > but now the whimpers and tears had ended. MIKE: Cry to me, She said, those were her very words. CROW: Well, who's the crybaby now? TOM: Todd Rundgren's going to hit you two. > All Julian seemed > to do was stare into space MIKE: Typical Gen-Xer. > rocking himself back and forth > while gentle hands moved over his body, bathing him, > stroking his hair. TOM: Changing him... > A soft voice murmured words of comfort > and sympathy. CROW: There, there. You're still a regular on the show. Yes, Chase Masterson is getting more fan-mail than you are, but she won't have as successful a career on the convention circuit. Okay, I'm lying there. But you'll still get to appear on whatever little show Frakes is hosting... > As the days progressed Julian was drawn back from the > edge of self-willed death and began to respond. MIKE: His response consisted of a nasty letter that he immediately sent to the City Council. > When food > was waved near his nose, CROW: He sat up and begged like a good dog. > he would open his mouth and take > it. TOM: Later, he became mad as Hell and wouldn't take it any more. > At first he needed someone to move his jaw to make him > chew, MIKE: (Malcolm McDowell) I've been through the tortures of the damned, sir. Tortures of the damned. > but slowly he remembered how to eat and went through > the motions himself. CROW: Still, his heart wasn't in it. > Then gentle hands drew him from his foetal ball and made him > move and stretch his body. TOM: He's been rescued by Jane Fonda. > At time passed, his gaunt frame > began to flesh out again, the hollow cheeks filling out, the > deep dark smudges under the eyes faded. MIKE: He's getting over his "Tiny Tim" disease. > It was a week before a thought connected to the outside > world entered Julian's brain. CROW: But that's normal. > It was one thought, just one. TOM: (Julian's brain) Think of all the _Ally McBeal_ episodes we've missed! > The soft voice that murmured words of comfort and sympathy > came from a man. MIKE: (man) Don't be alarmed, son. This cattle prod won't hurt a bit. > He cringed, plunging back into the hellish > depths of memory so violent and shameful that he couldn't > deal with it. CROW: Hey, no plunging into the hellish depths until you've passed your swimming test. > His nurse maid didn't give up though. TOM: He's Matt Stevens, Male Nurse, and dammit, he cares! > With every day, > came his soft, gentle attentions - food, sanitary measures, > physiotherapy and in his own special way, counselling. MIKE: (German accent) Zo Joowlean, ven ditchoo staht veeling zis vay? > Words > Julian needed to hear and believe so desperately slowly > registered in his brain. CROW: I'm betting there's not a long line to register in Julian's brain. > The gentle care and comforting > words finally drew him back out of his shell. ALL: (singing) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... > As he drifted > between full and semi-consciousness of his surroundings > Julian made a very common error. MIKE: Error 404? > "Dada.." CROW: (Julian) ...is my favorite Twentieth Century art movement. > "Yes, son, I'm here.. It's alright, you're safe now, no > ones going to hurt you while I'm around." MIKE: Ward, I'm worried about the Bashir... > In a rush of words and a stream of tears Julian poured > out his tale of woe describing the horrific sexual torture > and pack rape he'd undergone. TOM: Unfortunately, since Julian had regessed back to an infantile stage, he did all this in "goo-goo"s and "ga-ga"s. > His nursemaid listened and > petted him soothingly, hugging and rocking him when Julian > had held out his arms, like a baby seeking a hug. CROW: C'mon, crib death, what's keeping you? > Safely > held in the comforting embrace Julian fell to weeping, his > body racked with sobs. MIKE: And men's dress shirts. > His nurse maid rocked TOM: Him like a hurricane. > and stroked him > murmuring words of comfort and sympathy, absolving Julian of > all responsibility for what had happened. CROW: What luck to have a priest for a nurse maid! > With that > absolution he took his first step toward healing the mental > wounds Alis' sister had inflicted on Julian. MIKE: He got a full-frontal lobotomy. > His words were > the ones Julian desperately needed to hear. TOM: Julian Bashir, COME ON DOWN!!! > Julian cried himself to sleep in that comforting > embrace. MIKE: Y'know what this story needs? A Tribble or a Klingon or something. That would liven things right up. Who was that character played by the guy from _Fantasy Island_? CROW: Soren? MIKE: No, the other guy from Fantasy Island. CROW: You mean Khan? MIKE: Yeah, that's the ticket! Khan. Bring HIM in, and right away, we've got us a good old-fashioned Trek adventure. > ******************************* MIKE: Hey, look up there! It's an actual star trek! > Alistair Mender, CROW: Mended Alistairs. > Former Starfleet Commander and Chief > Medical Officer, TOM: Now he sells life insurance on TV. > now First and Preferred mate to the > Felistian Matriarch watched as his new charge slept curled > around a long pillow. MIKE: (Alistair) I wonder if I could get my pillow back without waking him up. > The young man sniffled now and then or > whimpered, but he wasn't screaming. CROW: At least not while he was sucking on his nookie. > That was a mercy. TOM: Too bad it wasn't a mercy KILLING! > The > Felistians in the Harem got turned on by screaming. He'd > seen them go for men who screamed in their sleep. TOM: It's a race of furry, gay Goreans! > He rubbed his tired eyes and looked about. He was dead > tired, weary to the bone from caring for the poor innocent > who slept semi-peacefully behind him. MIKE: Maybe he could unload the boy at a swap meet. > Until he could be sure > the young man wouldn't start screaming in his sleep, it > wasn't safe to leave the bedside. CROW: So in the future they don't have baby monitors? > He'd given the young man as through an examination as > he could with his limited medical equipment. MIKE: Sure, he wished he had more than a tongue depressor and a used cotton swab, but you have to make do with what you've got. > Supplied by the > Matriarch years past when she was in a magnanimous mood > after the installation of her last born kit to the > Matriarchal line of accession. TOM: Primogeniture as practiced by dyslexics. CROW: She had also let him invite his friends over to watch _Monday Night Football_. > Unfortunately her gratitude > hadn't lasted too long. MIKE: Yeah, that's women for ya. > Just long enough to install him in > her lavish harem and list him as her First and Preferred > Mate. CROW: He's First Mate? TOM: (singing) The first mate and the skipper, too Will do their very best To satisfy the Matriarch And perform at her request (Perform at her request) > That had its advantages. MIKE: Much like owning an American Express card, except with more sex. > He'd been in dozen of harems > over the last 26 years since his capture. CROW: So he's been all harem-scarem, then? > The Matriarch > harem was the most comfortable. TOM: At least he was playing in the Majors. Those triple-A harems were a joke. > Here he got plenty of food, MIKE: Some food... Meow Mix au gratin. > the amenities were state of the art and the Harem Keepers > treated the men with consideration and care. CROW: And for entertainment, there were the wacky roundball antics of the Harem Globetrotters. > In other > harems, he'd never known when his next meal would be, TOM: Or how many mouse heads would be in it. > the > amenities were restricted to a mat on the floor, a basin of > freezing water - not always clean, MIKE: And access to the health spa on Mondays and Wednesdays. > a wash cloth and a sand > pit in the back of the harem for excreta. CROW: He who controls the spice controls the harem! > Then there was the advantage of being able to look > through the huge picture window that covered the east wall. TOM: Hey, how'd the Great Wall of China get here? > He could see the Matriarch's gardens below which opened out > to a positive wilderness. MIKE: Grizzly Adams is probably out there somewhere. > The view was spectacular. CROW: I don't know... that show isn't THAT great. I mean, I like Meredith Viara and all, but... > And > sometimes, he could see his beloved and her children taking > their leisure in the sunshine outside. TOM: Taking turns grooming each other, no doubt. > He knew she'd given > birth to at least six of children - kits as they called > them. MIKE: Model kits? > But he knew nothing more than the fact that only one > of them was `good' enough to be selected as her heir. CROW: The rest were eventually to become entrees. > He > often wondered when he saw women walking below if any of > them were his offspring. TOM: Well, it shouldn't be too hard to tell which ones are catlike aliens and which are half human freaks. > One in particular, he wondered about. MIKE: The one with four arms and three eyes. She looked just like him. > Tall, graceful, > incredibly beautiful with curves enough to make any man look > twice. CROW: Even her own father thought she was hot! > Her skin was the same deep ebon as his, as was her > long hair, that reached her ankles when loose. TOM: (singing) Give me a head with hair - long, beautiful hair... MIKE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair! > She had no > fur that he could see, CROW: Except that mane reaching her ankles. > but that wasn't unusual. TOM: (singing) It's not unusual to be loved by anyone. It's not unusual to have fun with anyone. > Not since > the women had started inter-breeding with Terrans. (ALL laugh uproariously) MIKE: Okay, who's been tampering in God's domain? > He'd seen > more than one Felistian without fur. CROW: Some of them had even started a "Fur is Murder" campaign. > There were several > Felistian/Terran fusion males within the harem. TOM: They could power San Fransisco for a month, and the only waste product was pure water. > Mindless > creatures, furless and barbless. MIKE: We, on the other hand, are full of barbs. > They were among the most > popular pets kept at the palace. CROW: Right after the neon betas and the chihuahuas. > Visiting noblewomen always > requested them. TOM: (noblewoman) Hello, room service? Send up two Felistian/Terran fusion males and a Diet Pepsi. MIKE: Biological impossibilities and the women who love them, on the next Geraldo. > He knew none of them were his, he'd overheard rumours > about male offspring of noble women being euthanasied at > birth. CROW: Jim Henson's Dead Babies. > Male heirs were something the women made damn sure > there weren't any off. MIKE: If there were too many men around, there would be no more going topless at the local library. > Sometimes the thought made him grieve > for the possible sons he'd never known, CROW: He'd never got to hear his son asking to borrow the car on a Saturday night. > and never would and > other times he thanked god that his sons wouldn't be cast > into the harems to spend their days as mindless pleasure > slaves. MIKE: Hey, hooker's a good job! TOM: In fact, "Mindless Pleasure Slave" turned up at #3 on Vent's "Most Desired Careers" list. > He sighed, thinking about his children. CROW: (singing) Are these the little kittens I carried... > He doubted > he'd ever know how many of them would survive their life > tests. TOM: What the heck is a life test, anyway? MIKE: It's when someone buys a copy of Life at the newsstand, to see if they like it enough to subscribe. > He doubted any would. One in five of the Noblewomen's > kits CROW: Do NOT recommend sugarless gum to their patients. > died during their life tests, and the women passed it > off as the will of their Goddess. Those who lived are > destined for greatness. TOM: Because, logically, it's kinda hard to be great when you're dead. > Those who don't were never fit to > take power in the first place. Or so they said. CROW: On the alt.conspiracies.stolen-memories newsgroup. > He > remembered the very last time the Matriarch had sought out > his company. MIKE: She needed him to unclog the drain in the shower. > She'd been extremely passionate, kept him at > her side, at her beck and call for almost a month. And every > night of that month, TOM: She gave him the old "I've got a headache" line. > she'd cried in her sleep for a kit > she'd never see again, a kit who'd failed her life test. CROW: And had to attend community college instead of a big university. > He sank back onto the bed, eyes closing, his thoughts > fixed on the Matriarch. MIKE: Angela Channing? TOM: (Jimmy Durante) Good night Mrs. Matriarch, wherever you are. > With a deep sigh he slipped into > dreams about the love of his life, CROW: Shelly Winters. > forever separated by > customs and law. MIKE: And War and Peace. TOM: And Crime and Punishment. CROW: And meat and potatoes. > Never to live together, to share their > laughter and sorrow, to raise their children - kits - > together. MIKE: Never to attend Bingo Night together... > Fated to spend only short moments in time > together. A week here, a month or two there over the years. > If only... TOM: ...Felistians weren't so evil. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks up TOM and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are assembled behind the counter. There's an easel set up, and some posters laying face down on the counter. MIKE and the BOTS speak directly to CAMBOT throughout this segment.] TOM: If you're like us - and, hey, who isn't? - you've probably been asking "What's the deal, anatomically speaking, with those kooky Felistians?" CROW: Yeah. The males have barbed penises, which makes reproduction among their own species pretty darned uncomfortable. MIKE: But somehow, they've overcome this slight obstacle, which flies in the face of all Darwinian theory. TOM: And the Felistians aren't the only biologically illogical alien race out there! CROW: Nope. Lots of alien races have survived and even thrived despite severe evolutionary handicaps. (MIKE sets up a poster on the easel. The poster shows an alien gnawing on its own arm.) MIKE: Take, for example, the self-cannibalizing Hunchentoots of Donner IV. They can only survive by eating their own flesh. TOM: Once they run out of body parts to eat, they die! CROW: Screwy, isn't it? (MIKE sets up another poster. This one shows an alien in an iron lung-type contraption.) MIKE: And then there's the Wheezulites from the Asthmatron Galaxy. CROW: They're unable to breathe on their own, so they have to rely on bulky artificial respirators all their lives. TOM: Reproduction is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for these poor dopes. (MIKE sets up a third poster. This one shows a female alien lying on her side, surrounded by sick-looking baby aliens.) MIKE: Things are even worse for the Dairians of the Lactose system. TOM: They get violently ill when they drink their mother's milk. (MIKE sets up yet another poster. This one shows an alien bursting into flames and screaming in agony.) MIKE: But that's nothing compared to the pitiable Combustians from Planet Ignito. CROW: They spontaneously combust whenever they sneeze. TOM: And, tragically, they rely chiefly on ragweed for sustenance. CROW: Let me tell you, allergy season is NOT pretty. (The yellow light flashes) MIKE: Oops, that's all the time we have for this little documentary. See you all in a few minutes! (MIKE hits the button) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (12/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:31 GMT Lines: 605 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > **************************************** CROW: It's an asterik chorus line. > Alistair awoke from his dreams of the Matriarch to find > a soft warm body wrapped around his. MIKE: (Alistair) Apparently, I've been mistaken yet again for a mattress. > He didn't panic, more > than once he'd awaken to find a Felistian/Terran male or > several curled up beside or around him. TOM: I wonder why the Felistians forced the Sacred Band of Thebes into sex slavery. > They like to sleep > curled up against something, either a body cushion or a nice > warm body. CROW: I bet the Felistians have a big "Say no to sleeping in the Sunlight" campaign going on right now. MIKE: Legalize it! > Looking down at the head that rested on his chest, it > took a moment for him to recognise the dark curls that > capped it. TOM: (Alistair) Did I get drunk and sleep with Howard Stern last night? > Gently as possible he disengaged the sleeping > young man and slipped a body pillow into his embrace > instead. The young man moved about restlessly having been CROW: ...whipped with a willawong til the blood came. > denied the warmth and rhythmic beating of the Terran heart > he'd snuggled up to in his sleep to find comfort in. MIKE: The Felistians might want to buy some old alarm clocks then. TOM: Can't he just listen to ocean sounds or something? > Alistair sat up and brushed the sleep from his eyes, CROW: His shaving razor's cold and it stings. > yawning and stretching MIKE: And scratching his neck with his hind leg and licking himself. > to check out the harem TOM: At his local library. > with an eye to > the dangers the other men presented to the innocent beside > him on the bed. CROW: Goldilocks? > One or two of the Fusions were languidly > looking their way as the lay curled languidly on soft silken > cushions. MIKE: Bes and Ai Apaec look on. > There was never much going on in their heads. TOM: They were network executives. > Thoughts > of food and pleasure about covered it. When they weren't > eating or bonking like rabbits CROW: Bonking? Hitting each other over the head with mallets? > they were sleeping, and worse > they weren't picky about whom they slept with - figuratively > and literally. MIKE: No wonder they got the Dennis Rodman Seal of Approval. TOM: So they're like average members of the Alpha Kappa Gamma frat? > Alistair mentally filed their languid appraisal away > under D, for dangerous. CROW: Because filing it under W for dangerous would've been confusing, to say the least. > It would pay to keep an eye on those > two. MIKE: It would only pay minimum wage, though. > The young man's movements beside him drew his attention > back to the bed. TOM: He'd forgotten to use the bedpan, again. > He was stirring. CROW: So it twasn't the night before Christmas. > Opening his eyes to look > about. A radiant smile lit up Alistair's face. MIKE: It wasn't quite a gigawatt - Alis got that from her mother's side. > At last he'd > crossed over TOM: At this point, a crossover is the LAST thing we need. > from catatonic to responsive. There was hope > for him yet. CROW: And after a few more months of electroshock therapy, he should be as good as new. > Alistair watched as the young man looked his way then > flushed from hairline to toes grabbing the pillow to hug it, MIKE: Then the pillow tells him it just likes him as a friend. > as if he recalled snuggling up against him for warmth and > comfort. Alistair sent a friendly little smile his way. TOM: FedEx - when it absolutely, positively has to get across the bedroom overnight. > "I'm a doctor, CROW: Not a soldier! > or at least I was.. I'm the closest > thing this harem has within it's walls to medical > attention. TOM: (Alistair) I've seen just about every episode of _Ben Casey_ and _Medical Center_. > Which is what I've been giving you these last few > weeks... There was a time, I wondered if you'd pull > through." MIKE: And you didn't even tell Lizbeth you were coming. > Julian relaxed only somewhat, and turned his gaze away > from Alistair to check out his surroundings. CROW: (Julian) Say, this place isn't so bad for a Motel 6. > He noted the > two Fusions TOM: Hot and cold. > looking his way and hugged the pillow tighter, > his flush draining away along with all his colour leaving > him as white as the sheets he lay upon. MIKE: But not nearly as white as Michael Jackson. > Alistair grabbed a > pillow and flung it across the room. CROW: Alistar is a master of the Ancient and Deadly Art of Pillow-Fu. > With deadly accuracy TOM: I just wanted to point out here that the phrase "deadly accuracy" was just used to describe a pillow fight. > it > landed on one of the pair who jumped half a foot, MIKE: Assault with a deadly pillow. > then came > down on all four to slink off, CROW: (singing) But the cat came back, the very next day... > tail wagging somewhat > menacingly. MIKE: (Fusion) You win this round, Julian, but I'll be back with some feathers and a Cookie Monster doll. > Alistair ignored it. It was all for show. TOM: (singing) There's no business like show business, no business I know... > He was > the biggest man in the harem. CROW: (singing) Macho, macho man... MIKE: They're going for a Guinness record for puniest harem, I guess. > None of the men could take him > on his own. TOM: He reigned supreme as master of the pillow fight. > And they rarely, if ever, worked together to try > and over power him. CROW: Since that would require as much intelligence as a lion or wolf. MIKE: The lesson - "Use teamwork to hurt old guys". > He laughed at the thought, he was the king of this > castle. CROW: Castle Greyskull? MIKE: More like Castle Numbskull. > So to speak. TOM: Well, he was king of this room, more or less. > Julian looked at him as his laughter rang out. MIKE: (Alistair) Oh, that Ryan guy on _What's My Line?_ is SO funny! > "W..what's..so funny?" TOM: (Alistair) Last night's _Just Shoot Me_. That George Segal is a riot! > "Oh... nothing you'd understand, son." MIKE: (Alistair) Mark Russell is a bit over your head, junior. > "I'm not your son." CROW: And don't call him daughter! > "You'd prefer it if I call you boy," Alistair responded > reaching out to ruffle the beard that had sprouted over > Julian's jaw during the last few weeks. TOM: (Alistair) Or I could call you "children". > "This fur on your face tells me you're not a boy, MIKE: (Alistair) You're a girl with hormone problems. > you're a young man..." > "M..my name's... CROW: Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. > Julian. Julian Bashir." TOM: (Julian) I like my drinks shaken, not stirred. > "Well Julian, my name's Alistair. MIKE: (Alistair) Ms. Jackson if you're nasty. > Dr Alistair Mender. CROW: With a last name like Mender, your only career options are doctor and cobbler. > You can either call me Doctor, Doc, or Alistair.. TOM: (Alistair) Or you can call me Ishmael. > Take your > pick. MIKE: (Julian) My icepick? > I'll call you Julian." CROW: And he'll call the wind "Mariah". > Julian's eyes turned positively huge - and his skin > turned red as the flush raced across his body. TOM: Suddenly he's a character in a Tex Avery cartoon. > Alistair > wondered what had caused that reaction and looked about the > room. He couldn't see anything to cause it. MIKE: Have you considered that the problem might be an odor? > The Fusions, > both off them, had slunk off to the bathing room, probably > to get up to their second favourite activity after sleeping CROW: Solving complex electrodynamic wave field equations? > - sex. CROW: Oh. > "Y..You're.. The Princessa's Father.." TOM: Mel Tillis IS Julian Bashir in _Smokey and the Bandit: The Next Generation_! MIKE: He's just talkin' 'b-bout her g-g-g-generation! > Alistair's head whipped around so fast CROW: Quick, get an exorcist! > Julian scrambled > back across the bed till he backed into the wall it rested > against. (TOM, imitating Julian, whimpers like a dog) > "What did you say?" ALL: HE SAID "Y..YOU'RE.. THE PRINCESSA'S FATHER.."! > "Y..y.. you're th..th..the Pr..pr..princess..ssa's > f..f...father.." MIKE: (Julian) Oh, and by the way, th-th-th-that's all folks! > Julian stuttered, even worse than the first > time, extremely nervous now. > "Why do you say that?" CROW: (Julian) I didn't want to! The authors made me! > "H..her n..name is.. TOM: (Julian) J-John... J-j-jacob... J-j-j-j-jingle... h-h-heimer... sch-sch-schmidt... > Alistairyen Mender... Just like > yours.. Sh..she has eyes... CROW: I would certainly hope so! > Just like yours.. And hair.. And > height." MIKE: (Julian) And a doughy physique... just like yours. > Alistair closed his eyes. She'd named her heir after > him. TOM: She hadn't named her heir Dweezil or Moon Unit. > Thank God. CROW: You're welcome. > It gave him hope that maybe all her promises > were more than just pillow talk. MIKE: (Doris Day) Well, if we do get married, I suppose I could name my Prime Heir after you. TOM: (Rock Hudson, Texan) Well, that'd be mighty fine, I suppose. Reckon we'll have to go slow, though. How about next Thursday? > Maybe she did love him just > as much as he loved her. CROW: Or maybe she just wasn't very creative at thinking up names. > If nothing else, she cared for him, > she had to, to have named her Prime Heir after him. MIKE: I wouldn't name a prime rib after him! > Julian watched Alistair warily. Slowly he relaxed. TOM: Step by step, inch by inch... > He > wasn't angry. In fact he looked happy. CROW: IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?!? MIKE: I think we're watching a Geico commercial. > Alistair's eyes > opened to look at him again and he smiled in a friendly > fashion. TOM: (Julian) This is the perfect time to tell him I had unprotected sex with his daughter! > "I've never met my daughter, I take it you have since > you know her name and can describe her." CROW: (Julian) Well, she's this cat-like being, but they all look alike. MIKE: (Julian) Besides, I wasn't paying much attention to her FACE, if you know what I mean... > Julian wondered if Alis' father would be so friendly if > he know his was the lover of one of his daughters and rape > bait or the other. TOM: (confused) "If he know his was the lover?" "Rape bait or the other?" Was this translated from Cantonese into English or something? > Alistair noted the flush fade then > reappear. CROW: This toilet bowl cleaner just isn't working right. > He wondered why. MIKE: ...fools fall in love. > At first he couldn't figure it > out. TOM: (Alistair) Could the kid be cheating at Poker? Naaaahhhh. > The idea that this young man and his daughter might > have been breedmates occurred to him. CROW: He also considered the notion that they might just be pen pals. > But then, if that was > so, why was the young man blushing. MIKE: Because he'd run out of question marks. > No one blushed around > here. TOM: Blushing was illegal in Singapore. > Not about sex anyway. MIKE: Oh, so they live in a daytime soap opera. > It was a part of their everyday > life in the harem. CROW: That and eating, sleeping, and licking themselves. > Then he considered something else. TOM: He was missing _Matlock_. > This > young man wasn't a Fusion. He had no tail, fangs or claw > sheaths. MIKE: Alistair has been Julian's nursemaid for weeks and he's just now figuring this out? > He had to be pure Terran. CROW: (Alistair) Az oppozed to an impure Terran. Sieg heil! > And a recently captured > one at that. TOM: His "Best if Used By" date is next week. > He gave Julian a look of pure sympathy. MIKE: 99.44% pure sympathy? > Julian wondered > what was going on in his head. CROW: We ALL wonder what's going on in your head, Julian. > "You're new here.. To the Harems and Felistia, aren't > you, Julian?" > Julian nodded. TOM: (Alistair) As the welcoming committee, I'd like to give you this fruit basket and some coupons for local businesses. > "How long have you been in the empire?" MIKE: (Julian) Since the end of the Clone Wars. > "A m..month... Maybe two.. I..lost track of the time.." CROW: (Julian) The same thing happens when I play Quake. > "The first time's always the worst time, Julian. TOM: All the customs officials and quarantine laws... > They > teach you a harsh lesson. MIKE: (Alistair) That the Easter Bunny isn't real. > To show you what will happen if > you don't do what they want." CROW: When they say "juggle", you say, "How many objects?". > Julian's flush deepened. TOM: Enough of this toilet talk, story. > "After that, if you submit to their will and give them > a good time between the sheets, they'll treat you decently. MIKE: They'll only rape you on even-numbered days. > Oh, now and then they might claw you.. More often they'll > bite you. CROW: Or bury you in some kid's sandbox. > That can be pure heaven or pure hell depending on > the bio-chemical state your in at the time." TOM: Which is to say, "While you're here, stay toasted". > Julian didn't really know what that meant. MIKE: (Julian) One of my teachers at medical school mentioned it. What did he say? Hmmm... > Seeking > answers he pounced instead on the statement that there was a > difference. > "I... D..don't un..understand why.. It was different. TOM: (Julian) How could loving, consensual sex be different from rape? > When Alis..bit me.. It hurt at first, but then.. ALL: It went zoom when it moved, and pop when it stopped, and whirred when it stood still... > It blew my > mind away.. MIKE: Groovy! CROW: Far out, man! TOM: Outtasight! > It was, " His eyes glazed with remembered > passion, "Heaven... CROW: (singing) ...is a place on Earth. > And it never hurt again after the first > time." MIKE: (Quentin Tarantino) Hence, "Not Like a Virgin". > Alistair's brow went right up. TOM: (Alistair) I'll never be able to get that off the ceiling. > "But..when her sister did it... It was pure agony.. > Every time... It was like.. Being.. On fire.. CROW: (Ken) Shoryuken! > Not that I > know what being on fire feels like.. MIKE: (Julian) Well, there was that one time when I plummeted into the sun, but aside from that... > I just.. imagine it > feels like that." Julian said babbling. TOM: Why keep on imagining what it feels like to be set on fire? Why not SET yourself on fire and find out for sure? I'll get the gasoline! > Alistair understood. He wondered for a second if the > sister he spoke of was his offspring or another man's. He > pushed the thought aside; he didn't want to think about one > of his daughter's being capable of the atrocious deeds > Julian had revealed to him the night before. CROW: She made him watch C-SPAN. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (13/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:50 GMT Lines: 708 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are behind the counter. They're gathered around TOM, who is in the middle of telling a story.] TOM: So the guy turns to bartender and he says... (Suddenly, the SOL shakes) TOM: Jeepers H. Christmas!!! MIKE: Cambot! Give me rocket number nine! [An exterior shot of the SOL, which is being attacked by a unidentified alien ship. The ship fires a beam, shaking the SOL again.] [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are throwing themselves around the bridge in homage to _Star Trek_. GYPSY enters, stage right.] GYPSY: Shields are down to 47 percent! (The SOL shakes yet again) GYPSY: 20 percent! Another hit and we'll lose the shields! MIKE: We... must... stopthem! (The SOL shakes and some stuff explodes in displays of pyrotechnics) GYPSY: Shields are down and Mike's turning into Shatner! MIKE: Will... notlet... them... take... myship! (A FELISTIAN armed with a futuristic-looking gun beams onto the SOL bridge) FELISTIAN: We are here to enslave your males. (looks at Mike) Are there any males here besides you? GYPSY: No. TOM: (falsetto) No. CROW: (falsetto) No. FELISTIAN: Okay, then I'll just take the chunky guy back to the ship and we'll be on our way. TOM: (falsetto) Heh, heh... that's great. Well, Crowina and I are going to watch Lifetime now. (hurries off screen) CROW: (normal voice) We are? TOM: (falsetto) Yes, we ARE. CROW: Why? TOM: (falsetto) Because I said so! CROW: Geez, Thomasina is so pushy. (walks off-screen) MIKE: Hey, uh, "girls", you can't just leave me here! HELP! (CAMBOT starts moving toward Tom's room) [Tom Servo's Room. TOM and CROW enter.] CROW: We're not really going to watch Lifetime, are we? TOM: No, you idiot! We had to come in here so we could use my interociter to contact the Canistians. CROW: The what? TOM: A race of dog-like aliens I met during the 500 years I wandered the universe. If anyone can stop the Felistians, it's them. Now, turn the dial on the interociter. (CROW does so. A bulldog's face appears on the interociter's triangular screen.) TOM: Winston, it's me, Tom Servo! Remember, the guy who helped your people defeat the Sciuridaetians? WINSTON: Ah yes, how could I forget that? We fought on the beaches, we fought on the landing grounds, we fought in the fields and in the streets, we fought in the hills, we never surrendered. TOM: Yeah, I KNOW all that. But I didn't call you to discuss old times. My ship is being attacked by cat-like aliens and I need one of your ships to stop them. WINSTON: Cat-like, you say? I'll send a ship right away. TOM: Thanks! (WINSTON's image disappears) CROW: (to Tom) YOUR ship? TOM: Uh... (CAMBOT leaves Tom's room and returns to the bridge. MIKE and the FELISTIAN are drinking coffee and talking.) MIKE: So you see, there's no point in enslaving me. Humans and aliens simply can't breeed and produce offspring. FELISTIAN: But then why have we been capturing and enslaving Terran males for so long? MIKE: Because-- (MIKE is interupted by the sounds of dogs barking) MIKE: (to the FELISTIAN) Just a minute. (turns to CAMBOT) Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine. [An exterior shot of the SOL. A Canistian ship has arrived and is barking at the Felistian ship, which is hissing at the newly-arrived vessel. Suddenly, the Canistian ship lunges at the Felistian ship, which turns around and speeds away. The Canistian ship pursues it.] [SOL Bridge] FELISTIAN: My ship! MIKE: (patting her on the shoulder) Aw, don't worry. I'm sure they'll come back for you... eventually. And if not, there's an extra cot in the boiler room. You could stay with us for a while, maybe even participate in our experiments. Or if that isn't your thing, we could just shoot you out the airlock, leaving you to float out into space and die a lonesome death. It's up to you. FELISTIAN: Hmmmm... I think I'll take the airlock, if you don't mind. MIKE: I kinda thought you would. So, any last requests? FELISTIAN: Got any catnip on board? MIKE: (snaps his fingers) Fresh out. FELISTIAN: Darn. (solemn pause) Well, no time like the present. MIKE: Right. The airlock's this way. (MIKE and the FELISTIAN exit, stage right. We hear the airlock opening, followed by the "rrrroowwwrrr" of the FELISTIAN being jettisoned. Then we hear the airlock closing again. MIKE walks back to the bridge.) MIKE: (singing) Bring in the dog and put out the cat. Yakety yak. (TOM and CROW enter rapidly) BOTS: Don't talk back! (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > "Tell me what happened with Alis - was she the first > Felistian female you've had sex with." TOM: (Alistair) I hope you boffed my daughter like there was no tomorrow, you horny little devil! > Julian's blush deepened even further. > "Sh..she was the first person I ever.. did *it* with." MIKE: They had a threesome with Cousin It? > "Go on.. What happened.." Alistair prodded in his best > doctor's tone, drawing Julian out further. CROW: (Alistair) Don't worry, I assure you that these are strictly professional questions. > "I liked it.." TOM: Very much. > "Did you want it?" MIKE: (Alistair) I want all the juicy details, boy. > "It was all I could think about since I met her." > "I see... You enjoyed it?" TOM: This guy is like Kenneth Starr. > Julian nodded. CROW: (Alistair) Did you hate it? > "A lot?" MIKE: On a scale of one to ten, what was your overall satisfaction? Do you have any suggestions for improvement? > Julian nodded again turning even redder. TOM: (Julian) Are you a perv or something? > Alistair > wondered how much deeper that shade of red that covered him > from head to toes could get. CROW: He wondered if he could get Julian to resemble the candy-apple red Camaro he'd driven in high school. > "I wanted.. to do it again.. ALL: (monotone) It was much better with a cat. I'm going to do it again and again. > With her... I wanted.. to > please her... as much as she pleased me.." MIKE: (Julian) But I never got around to it. > Alistair felt a faint smile tug at his lips. CROW: (Alistair) Stop that! > `Fast learner, most kids his age are too wrapped in getting > off to worry about whether or not their partner is,' he > thought. TOM: Is it wrong that he's concerned about how a stranger is sexually pleasing his own daughter? > "And her sister, were you attracted to her just as > much?" > Julian shock his head emphatically. MIKE: (Julian) Take that, head! Zzzzzap!!! > "*NO*!, CROW: (Alistair) Sor-REE! I was just asking! > I just wanted Alis. TOM: (Julian) Well, her and Lucy Lawless. > But her sister wouldn't > listen to me..." He said in a rush, lower lip trembling, > tears welling up in his eyes. TOM: Again with the crying! CROW: Even Alan Alda's not that sensitive! > "She held me down.. TOM: (singing) But I got up, again. Cause you're never gonna keep me down. MIKE and CROW: (singing) Ooh, Danny Boy... > and threatened me.. clawed me... I > tried to get away.. But she came after me.. Pounced on me.. > Said she was going to kill me for striking her." MIKE: Plus, she was going to call PETA and the SPCA. > A chill ran up Alistair's spine. CROW: It was practicing the hundred yard dash. > Men had been killed > for less in the Felistian Empire. TOM: Men vill be bred und zlaughtered! > "Then...she kicked me.. CROW: (singing) And then she kicked me! > I.. passed out.. I woke up > somewhere else.. MIKE: Oz? > And.. I couldn't see.. I couldn't move.. TOM: (Julian) I couldn't groove... > I > was tied down.. CROW: (Julian) My schedule was really busy. > Sh..she... wa..was there... Laughing at me.. > Hurting me.. making me ..." MIKE: (Julian) ...do the Macarena. It was horrible! > His voice broke and the tears > started streaming down his face. MIKE: Just like Sailor Moon. TOM: No, her tears gush. There's a difference. > Alistair moved across the bed to engulf him in a tight > embrace to stroke at his hair and back soothingly, muttering > words of comfort, CROW: (Alistair) There, there... go ahead and cry. I'll go get a quart of Ben and Jerry's and we'll do each other's hair. > letting Julian know he already knew all > the gruesome details and didn't need to hear them again to > know what he'd been through. MIKE: Nor, in fact, do we. > Julian sobbed in his arms. TOM: What else is new? > "It hurt... It so much.. She wouldn't stop.." CROW: (Julian) ...tickling me. > "Hush...it's over now..." MIKE: Oh, if only that were true! > "She used... m..en.." TOM: As soon as she got what she wanted, she left them. CROW: Sheesh, this is turning into a male version of _The Oprah Winfrey Show_. > "I know..you don't have to talk about it.. I know." MIKE: (Alistair) And I'd really prefer it if you stopped mentioning it. > And > he did, he'd seen the injuries Julian had sustained in the > pack rape, the level of shock he'd been in after. He'd > healed those injuries himself. TOM: Good thing he'd read that brochure, "So You've Been Pack Raped By Felistians". > "It wasn't your fault. MIKE: (Alistair) Society is to blame. > You didn't ask for it.. You > couldn't fight them.. CROW: (Alistair) You were in the War Room. > They always make sure the bands are > strong enough to hold even a man my size and strength down. TOM: But made for a woman. > There was nothing you could do.. Don't think about.. MIKE: ...tomorrow. > "I..c..can't..forget about it.. They're... here... TOM: (singing) They're there! Pink elephants everywhere! > They're watching us.." MIKE: Trust me, Julian, no one's watching you unless they're forced to. > Alistair looked around to see Julian was right. CROW: _The 700 Club_ was playing on the TV. That was a dead giveaway. > They > were being watched by several of the Fusions now. TOM: (Alistair) Damn fusions. Where are the normal Felistians? > He turned > his back on them. > "These ones aren't the ones who assaulted you, Julian, > these ones are Fusions, not pure breeds.. MIKE: (Alistair) You were assaulted by cocker spaniels. > They don't have > the barbed penis the pure breeds had.. CROW: Penis, singular? What, do all the pure breeds share one? MIKE: Perhaps it's detatchable. > And the ones who > assaulted you did.." TOM: As if he'd forgotten that part. > Julian peered at the Fusions watching them through > fearful eyes. MIKE: Why would Fusions be fearful of Alistair and Julian? > "I ..d..don't trust.. them.. CROW: (Julian) I mean, their dollar-a-week life insurance SOUNDS like a good deal, but... > They're looking at me the > way *she* did, before she... TOM: (Julian) Showed me her vacation slides. > assaulted me." > Alistair looked around and let out a pure roar. MIKE: Oh great, now you're dragging the poor Lionheart family into this train wreck! HAVE YOU NO SHAME, RED SKYE?!? > As one > the Fusions jumped to their feet and scuttled off to the > bathing area. CROW: Several hundred Romans were already there. TOM: Wouldn't a Felistian bathing area consist of a giant tongue? > Julian jumped in Alistair's embrace. CROW: (falsetto) Auntie Em, I'm frightened! > Alistair > eased off and then sat back looking at him. MIKE: (Alistair) Forget to take your ritalin today, Julian? > "I'll keep them away from you, just stick close to me." TOM: (singing) No, you won't be afraid. Just as long... as you stand... stand by me. > Julian looked at him warily, his whole being screamed, > but I don't trust you either. MIKE: Trust no one. > "I've never developed a taste for same gender sexual > relations, Julian. CROW: (Alistair) I've never developed a taste for pesto sauce, either. > I'm not going to pounce on you... You're > young enough to be my son." TOM: That never stopped the Greeks! > Julian relaxed just a fraction. MIKE: Upsetting the whole and irrational numbers. > He wanted to trust > Alistair. He needed to trust Alistair, he desperately needed > someone to protect and comfort him. CROW: Just like in the cafeteria at school. > "I'm a Doctor. TOM: (Alistair) Would you like a jelly baby? > I took an oath to never cause > intentional harm to another sentient. CROW: For those of you who are just now joining Western Civilization... > I wouldn't do anything > to hurt you, physically or mentally." MIKE: Emotionally or financially, on the other hand... > Julian relaxed a tad more. TOM: Soon, his defenses would be fully down, and THEN Alistair would strike! > "And doing what you think I might be capable of would > be harmful, physically and mentally.. I'm not going to break > my oath for a little *distraction*." CROW: (Alistair) Maybe for a lifetime supply of Metamucil, but not for a little distraction. > Julian's eyes unconsciously drifted down to Alistair's > lap to take in the sight of his genitals. TOM: (Julian) As long as I'm here, I might as well do some sightseeing. > The man was > extremely well endowed. (TOM makes siren sounds) MIKE: Put down the stereotype and step away from the character! > Julian flushed and looked away. CROW: (Julian) I can't stand the sight of water spinning the wrong way. > After his experiences, he could work out how sex with > Alistair could prove harmful. MIKE: Alistair could tie him up and force him to listen to his Celine Dion albums. > Alistair caught the flush and the direction of Julian's > gaze. CROW: Those are extremely weird names for Pokemons. > "Everyone in the Harem goes naked. MIKE: Felistian males HAVE to go naked. If they didn't, the barbs would shred their pants every time they had an erection. > You better get used > to the sight of naked men, fast." TOM: (Alistair) And try not to stare at "Stumpy". He stood too close to the electric fan. > Julian realised he too was naked and flushed deeper. > The idea of being so thoroughly naked and expected to stay > that way was both frightening and extremely embarrassing to > him. CROW: (Julian) Next time I join a nudist colony, I'm definately reading the fine print. > "I don't think I've ever seen anyone turn that > particular shade of red before." Alistair commented, making > Julian flush an even deeper shade of red. MIKE: Didn't we already do this scene a few times? TOM: At this point, I suppose he's lucky that blood isn't geysering out of his ears. > "I'm sure all that blushing bad for your blood > pressure. CROW: We bad, we bad. > It's in your best interests to learn how to > control it." > "H..how.. it just happens." TOM: Just a blushing virgin bride... > "Funny you should ask, MIKE: (Alistair) Hehehehe...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAW HAW HAW... (gasp) heh heh HA HA HA HAHAHAHAAAAA... (sigh) Okay, it's not that funny. > I was just about to offer to > teach you. It's a technique called meditation. CROW: (Alistair) But I call it "Shirley". > Once you get > good enough at it, you should be able to do it anywhere, any > time. TOM: Do what, blush? > Which will be very useful later.. When the harem > keeper decides it's time you got into circulation." MIKE: (Alistair) They sell you at 30% of the cover price. > The very thought of what circulation meant in that > context was enough to make Julian flush an extremely deep > shade of red. CROW: I have the feeling a pastrami sandwich could make Julian flush a deep shade of red. > He fainted dead away in the next moment. > "I just knew you'd do that.." Alistair muttered. ALL: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah... > ******************************************* > END OF STOLEN MEMORIES PART FOUR > ******************************** TOM: Four on the floor. > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. MIKE: Fanfic not valid in Utah and Alaska. > Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. CROW: AKA the Red Army. > Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions > first - except in cases of review. TOM: But only if you say good stuff about it. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE is alone. He grimaces slightly as he examines the thumb on his left hand. TOM and CROW enter.] TOM: Hey, Mike. What's the matter? MIKE: Oh, it's nothing. Just got a little hangnail. CROW: Mike, this could be serious. That "little hangnail" could get infected and become gangrenous. TOM: Yeah! Then, we'd have no choice but to amputate your left thumb. CROW: And to even it out, we'd have to amputate your right thumb, too. TOM: How would you play pinball with no thumbs? Huh? MIKE: I really don't play much pinball. CROW: (urgently) We've got to get a doctor right away! TOM: I'm way ahead of you, Crow. (TOM zips out of the room) MIKE: A doctor? I don't really think that's necessary. I mean, it's just a hangnail. (TOM zips back into the room) TOM: Too late! The doctor's here already. MIKE: (stunned) How did he get here so quickly?!? CROW: Well Mike, we figured it was only a matter of time before you injured yourself like this, so we've had a doctor on call for the last few years. Good thing he's had SO many openings in his schedule. TOM: It's funny. He NEVER seems to be busy. (ALISTAIR, the kindly old gentleman from the story, enters. He is unselfconsciously nude. Fortunately, we only see him from the waist up. MIKE is understandably alarmed.) ALISTAIR: (chipper) Hello, one and all! It's Mike, isn't it? MIKE: (averting his eyes) Uh, yes. ALISTAIR: Well Mike, my name's Alistair. Doctor Alistair Mender. You can call me Doctor, Doc, Alistair, Doctor Alistair, Doc Alistair, Doctor Mender, Doc Mender, Al, Doctor Al, Doc Al, or you can just call me "old guy" like everyone else does. Now, what seems to be the trouble? MIKE: It's only a, uh... hangnail. ALISTAIR: Why, I have just the thing for hangnails! Now, get undressed and lie down on the counter here. (pats the counter) MIKE: Do I really have to get undressed for a hangnail? ALISTAIR: Who's the doctor here? Now, you get oiled up, and I'll be right back with the nipple clamps. (ALISTAIR exits. MIKE turns to TOM and CROW.) MIKE: Guys, I don't know about this. TOM: You'd better do what he says, Mike. CROW: Yeah, Mike. He graduated from the International Correspondance School of Medicine, so he KNOWS what he's doing. TOM: He can also do TV/VCR repair. CROW: Plus, he owns his own piercing gun. How many doctors can say THAT? MIKE: I still don't know... TOM: Come on, Mike, don't be so suspicious. Alistair is a highly trained professional. You can trust him. (The yellow light flashes) MIKE: But he seems kinda creepy. (notices the light) We'll be right back. (hits the button) [Planet Bumper] > It was a week before a thought connected to the outside > world entered Julian's brain. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (14/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:49 GMT Lines: 677 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > Article 278 of 418 MIKE: I'm so glad I managed to get rid of that Alistair guy. TOM: That's fine, Mike. If you don't like the doctor we got for you, you can just find one yourself! (mumbling) Ungrateful sonova... > > > Subject: (repost) Stolen Memories 5/9 (pre DS9) > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/09 > Message-Id: <5b1ett$p3f@the-fly.zip.com.au> MIKE: The Wizard of Message-Id. > Organization: The Zipsters TOM: Let's do a Zippy reference this time. > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative CROW: (Zippy the Pinhead) Creative. Creative, creative, creative. If you didn't understand this joke, it's because you're not intellectual enough. > > > > > > > > > > WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes. > If reading about teen sex offends read no further. > If not read on and enjoy. > > The Ed, Red. MIKE: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? > =========================================================== > > > > > > > > > > Stolen Memories :Part five TOM: Have they checked the lost and found for their stolen memories? Perhaps they've just been misplaced. > Week One > ========= CROW: Our search for the perfect bed-and-breakfast begins in earnest. > During his first days of conscious awareness in the > Harem Julian was thoroughly educated in the art of > meditation. MIKE: (Julian) Do you HAVE to call me "grasshopper"? > His every waking hour was Alistair's while the > big man lectured him on and showed him how to attain a > mediative state. TOM: (Alistair) Just listen to this Pink Floyd album. > Julian found the lessons to be extremely > helpful in controlling his reactions to the Harem > environment. CROW: And the refreshments served afterwards were an added bonus. TOM: (Julian) Who cares about torture, degradation, and the fact that my girlfriend forgot all about me? I got me some meditation. > He no longer blushed as easily, or became a > sobbing wreck at the sight of one of the fellow Harem slaves > eyeing him in what he assumed was meant to be a seductive > manner. MIKE: He now excused himself to the bathroom to weep for hours. > "Simply ignore them, otherwise they'll be encouraged to > try something a little more physical," Alistair advised. CROW: (Alistair) They'll dress like Olivia Newton-John. > Julian did his best to follow that advice. But he couldn't > help shooting looks TOM: The innocent looks accused him of War Crimes. > around at them to see what they were up > to. MIKE: One time, he caught them chasing the Rat Pack. > He ceased doing it after one pounced him while Alistair > was `servicing' a noble woman. CROW: He was checking her oil and wiper fluid. > He managed to fight the man off, and Alistair had > returned to find him standing backed into a corner waving a > chair around, hysterical with fear. TOM: He thinks he's a lion tamer. MIKE: No, he thinks he's on _Jerry Springer_. > Instead of sympathising > with Julian, Alistair berated him for `encouraging' the man, TOM: (Alistair) Didn't you know that if you get raped, it's your own fault? > making Julian blush fiercely and wish the ground would > swallow him up. CROW: So he decided to call himself Korah and hold his own sacrifices. > Once Julian learned to ignore the other men, Alistair > not included, MIKE: Neither are batteries. > he discovered they left him alone, as Alistair > had said they would. TOM: If you ignore a problem, it will go away. Worked real well for the United States in 1939 and 1940. > He realised they had considered his > wary glances to be signs of encouragement and never gave > them another. CROW: He spent the rest of his life pretending to be blind. > Week Two. > ======== MIKE: Do you know where your children are? > Alistair began to teach Julian about the humanoid > nervous system and the ways to use such knowledge to please > another humanoid. TOM: Of course, all humanoid species have identical nervous systems. > Roping in a Fusion sensualist, CROW: (Alistair) Yee-hah! > Alistair > demonstrated various pleasuring techniques Julian could use > on the Noble women if he was called to service them. MIKE: (Alistair) Tell them they don't look a day over 30. TOM: (Alistair) If they ask you if they look fat, the answer is always "No". > At > first Julian point black refused to consider such a > possibility. CROW: Then he point white, point red, and point orange refused. > Fainting at the very mention of it. TOM: What's with all the fainting? Is Julian's corset too tight? > Alistair > was quite annoyed with him for it. MIKE: (Alistair) You're the hero, damnit. Show some backbone. > Didn't the young man > understand learning these lessons could mean the difference > between TOM: Mediocre lovemaking and bad lovemaking? > a pleasurable interlude and another round of violent > sexual torture by the noble woman who'd kit-napped him. CROW: Kit-napped! Get it? It's a PUN! Oh, my sides!!! MIKE: If someone kidnaps Julian, does that mean they're taking dope? > Week four > ========= TOM: The search for week three has yielded no results. > Julian finally came to accept Alistair only had his > best interests at heart and learned to control his fear of > intimacy. MIKE: Now, if only he could control his fear of Regis Philbin. CROW: IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?!? > Once he achieved this, he found the lessons to be > extremely interesting. CROW: (Julian) Electrodynamics is fun! Those drugs DO have a purpose. > He would lie on his bed after > demonstrations day-dreaming about freedom and the > opportunity to show his Princessa TOM: His new butt tattoo. > the things he was learning > about pleasing a woman. MIKE: Like always putting the toilet seat down. > Week Five > ========= CROW: Meanwhile, Robert Stack is telling everyone about Julian's mysterious disappearance on _Unsolved Mysteries_. > On the morning of the twenty fifth day, TOM: (narrator, quickly) Felistians use a five day week. Have I mentioned that? > Julian hovered > between sleep and wakefulness feeling extremely content and > highly aroused. MIKE: Other days, he realized he was a slave, so he spent the days lying awake in pain. We decided to concentrate on this one, instead. > He imagined Alis' hands and lips touching > him and surrendered to the pleasure that the hands brought > out. TOM: The All-State commercials the censors won't let you see. > He didn't know Alistair's helpful sensualist was the > one behind the sensations that drove him ever closer to the > edge of ecstasy CROW: And he also didn't know we'd secretly replaced his regular coffee with Folger's crystals. > and it wasn't until he started to cry out in > pleasure and heard Alistair's roar of outrage that he came > to full wakefulness. MIKE: (Alistair) Get your little fanny out of bed and get ready for school! > He looked around to find the sensualist > with his mouth around his manhood. TOM: How did he reach his own penis? CROW: Well, cats are supposed to be flexible. > He wanted to scream > remembering the agony he'd suffered the last time a man had > touched him sexually, MIKE: He would never forgive that old guy who worked at the youth center. > but his brain was so fogged by sleep > and pleasure he didn't know whether to scream in outrage or > ecstasy. CROW: (Julian) Should I be angry or happy? Decisions, decisions. > The Sensualist was turning him on in a way Alis > never had. MIKE: The Sensualist had hooked him up to the Clapper. > As Alistair crossed the Harem in ground eating strides, CROW: (strides) Oh great, mom made ground for dinner, AGAIN. MIKE: Ground, the other white meat. > Julian's eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a deep > moan of ecstasy as the Sensualists activities brought forth > the natural reaction. TOM: Pat Buchanan's emphatic rebuke. > Julian was so lost in the sensations > coursing through his body, that he didn't even notice when > Alistair pulled the Sensualist away and gave him a painful > though, non-injurious thrashing for his actions. CROW: Saracen pig! (smack) Russian snake! (bonk) Spanish fly! (thwap) > Later, Julian couldn't look Alistair in the eye, till > Alistair used the incident to make a point. MIKE: Back to Afterschool Special mode. > "You can't help your physical reactions to stimulation, > Julian. When someone pushes all the right buttons for you, TOM: (Alistair) You know you've found a good elevator operator. > you'll stop thinking and just go with the flow. MIKE: Yes, always give in to your primitive physical instincts. CROW: Thinking? No time for that, my friend. TOM: Remember, always disengage your brain before sex. > It's the > same with the women." MIKE: If Julian gets anywhere NEAR their buttons, I'll be amazed. > Julian considered those words later, in one context he > vowed to make sure he worked out how to push all the right > buttons of the women he was called to service, CROW: (perfect Dr. F voice) Push their buttons, Julian. (MIKE and TOM stare at CROW) CROW: (Bill Corbett voice) What? > to insure TOM: Against fire, flood, and theft. > they didn't hurt him. And on the other hand, it made him > feel immeasurably better because it meant he couldn't help > but respond to stimulation when it was centred on his > genitals. MIKE: Remember, kids; humans are slaves to physical stimuli. > > Week Six > ======== CROW: Not allowing himself to be overcome with grief after his son's disappearance, Julian's dad creates the television program _America's Most Wanted_ to help catch criminals. > Julian lazily swam through the heated pool that made up > the Harems bath. TOM: (singing) Splish, splash, I was taking a bath. Going out on Saturday night... > Alistair had ordered him to start swimming > for an hour each day to tone up his muscles and add to his > general fitness. MIKE: It's time to bulk up! Are you pumped? Are you pumped?!? > He didn't notice the Sensualist slip into > the water (CROW hums the _Jaws_ theme) > and swim through it to his side, TOM: I am the cat who swims by himself, and all pools are alike to me. > until he rose > ahead of him to smile seductively at him. MIKE: The Creature from the Black Lagoon in a role that will suprise you. > Julian blushed to > the roots of his head. CROW: So to his neck, then? > It was the first time he'd been alone > since *The Incident* and the first time the Sensualist had > approached him. TOM: Uh, what was *The Incident*? (MIKE whispers something to TOM) TOM: Eeeyyywwww... why didn't you just make something up? > The Sensualist reached out a hand to caress Julian's > ear. MIKE: And he magically produced a quarter out of nowhere. > The Felistian equivalent of a kiss. CROW: So instead of kissing, the Felistians tug each others' ears? MIKE: Yeah. On their world, _The Carol Burnett Show_ is considered erotic. > Julian tried to > stay calm and explain that while he'd enjoyed the experience > he didn't feel attracted to the Sensualist. TOM: I mean, the sodomy was great, but they didn't have much in common beyond that. > He got the > surprise of his life when the sensualist opened his mouth > and started speaking, imitating his accent. CROW: The Sensualist is Rich Little. > "What does attraction matter, Julie-Anne, MIKE: He's mistaken Julian for a girl from Alabama! > here in this > place ... It's not a mater of attraction TOM: You have to sleep with someone with the same charge as you. > it's a matter of > experience. CROW: Is he running for office? > The more you have, the greater the advantage you > have over the women you're called to service. > "Y..you.. T..talk." TOM: (Mr. Ed) Nice of you to notice, Wilber. > "Of course." > "I didn't anyone in the Harem but Alistair and I could > talk." CROW: (Sensualist) We can all talk, it's just that the authors don't write any dialogue for us. > "My last mistress found pleasure in conversing with a > man, MIKE: Dick Cavett. > she took the time to educate me in the conversational > arts. I can also sing." CROW: (singing) Midnight, not a sound from the pavement. Has the moon lost her memory? TOM: I bet if you play the Sensualist backwards, he says "Paul is dead". > He said then gifted Julian with a > heart stopping smile. MIKE: (Julian) You bring me the same gift every Christmas. > "I have a voice that makes women melt, CROW: He has the voice of an angel. Lucifer, to be exact. > or that is how > Alistair describes my signing." TOM: He's Koko the gorilla? > "He knows you can talk?" MIKE: I can talk, I can talk, I can really really talk... > "No. I never felt any desire to talk with him." CROW: (Sensualist) He only wants to discuss lawnmowers and NFL football. > "Why are you talking to me then?" TOM: Uh, that's not how you imitate Robert DeNiro. > "You are young and not biased. MIKE: (Sensualist) And I like how keen you are. > You have tasted both > pleasure and pain with women. CROW: Now we're watching "Spock's Brain". > I know you were pack raped by > a group of pure blood Felistian males, I too suffered such a > punishment for turning down a noblewoman who's tastes were > not to my liking. TOM: (Sensualist) Brussel sprouts. Yuck. > I thought it would be in your best > interests to teach you that you could experience pleasure > with a man. MIKE: Oh, he's with the North American Man-Dork Love Association. > Just because the Dark One chooses not to seek > pleasure with a man, TOM: Are you trying to tell me that Batman DOESN'T "seek pleasure" with Robin? CROW: He said the Dark One, Servo, not the Dark Knight. > does not mean you can not do so." > "But..." > "But what? Did you not enjoy it?" MIKE: (Sensualist) Because I offer a full money-back guarantee. > "I... enjoyed it... But I was half asleep, dreaming of > my... TOM: (singing) ...Sharona. > female lover... I thought it was part of my dream... CROW: (Julian) I was dreaming of Jeannie. > That it was her doing to me, what you were doing." Julian > explained. MIKE: He dreamed that Alis was thrown into the harem? How selfish. > "I know. That is why I chose that time to do it. TOM: (Sensualist) Plus _The Gossip Show_ was on a commercial break. > You > wouldn't have all your little walls up trying to keep me > away. CROW: (singing) Tear down the walls... > I wanted to show you, you could enjoy being with a > man." MIKE: (Sensualist) Think about it. We go bowling, play poker, never go see _Waiting to Exhale_... > "I don't think..." TOM: Julian said. Then he disappeared. > "Don't think... CROW: (singing) It's a dangerous passtime. MIKE: (singing) I know... > Let me show you how much I can please > you, what I demonstrated then was only a fraction of the > pleasures I can give to you." The Sensualist said. TOM: I'd just like to point out that, while "the Sensualist" is far more distinctive than "She", it's like naming a character "the Hedonist". > Julian didn't have a time to compose an answer, MIKE: Or a symphony. > the > Sensualists mouth closed over his in a deep exploratory kiss > while his arms moved to embrace and start stroking Julian's > body. CROW: I wonder, how does one get hired on as a Sensualist? I mean, are there forms to fill out? Do you have to submit a resume? (MIKE and TOM look at CROW strangely) CROW: I'm just curious, that's all. > Julian struggled in his embrace and pulled his mouth > away. The Sensualist backed off and gave him a sultry look. TOM: This scene has all the eroticism of an episode of _Meet the Press_. > "I won't take you with force young one. MIKE: That's a relief. I hate it when Jedis use the Force to rape people. > If you get > curious, or want some company in that big bed of yours, CROW: (Sensualist) I hear that IBM is looking to relocate. > just > look my way." TOM: (Sensualist) Or if you need any drywall work done, I freelance. > And with that the Sensualist swam away to > climb out of the bath and leave the room. MIKE: (Sensualist) Time for my shift at the steel mill. > Julian trod water with his mind CROW: He's an Observer? > in turmoil. He was > thoroughly confused. TOM: (Julian) Does MCI really save over AT&T? And how does Sprint fit in? > The idea of taking a male lover had > never occurred to him in the past. MIKE: Then how do you explain all those Garak/Bashir stories? > But now, he had to admit, > he'd enjoyed the things the Sensualist had done to him. CROW: Painting his toenails, for instance. > He > had thoroughly enjoyed the Sensualists touch. TOM: He liked the fact that the Sensualist had touched him. He liked the Sensualist. The Sensualist would need a better name, but at least he had a nice car... MIKE: That's enough, Tom. > The fact that > he'd backed off was a point in his favour. CROW: Julian's found the only person wimpier than himself. > If he had pushed > his luck Julian would have fought him for all he was worth > and probably have ended up drowning both of them in the > process. TOM: Now why didn't they do THAT instead? Then this might be the best fanfic we've ever read! > With a sigh, Julian began to strike out across the pool > determined to wear himself MIKE: Julian-skin coats are all the rage this fall. > out and fall into his bed so > exhausted that he didn't have the strength to think about > the conflict that the Sensualists pass brought about. CROW: The Sensualist botched it. With fourth and seven, should I have them punt or do a hail mary? I know, I'll stall. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks up TOM and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (15/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:52 GMT Lines: 683 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE and TOM are behind the counter. MIKE is showing TOM an issue of _Mad_ magazine. He folds and unfolds the inside back cover.] MIKE: See, when you fold in the cover like so, it becomes a picture of Alfred E. Newman. (He repeats the folding/unfolding action a few times. TOM is agog.) TOM: Why, that's remarkable! That shrubbery... it became his left eye! MIKE: Right, and the little toy boat in the duck pond became the gap in his front teeth. TOM: And that nonsensical paragraph at the bottom. When you fold it in, it says "What Me Worry?" Talk about a paradigm shift. I mean... (CROW enters, stage right. MIKE turns to face him.) MIKE: Hi, Heckle. CROW: Hey guys! While you were busy with your little comic books, I did some snooping around on the satellite. And guess who I found curled up underneath the foosball table! MIKE: Norman Fell? TOM: Carole Bayer-Sager? CROW: No! Even better...I found that Sensualist guy! TOM: Who? CROW: You remember, the half-cat, half-man guy who has the hots for Julian in the story. I call him "Senchy" for short. (calling) Hey, Senchy! Come here! I want you to meet my friends! C'mon, don't be shy. (The SENSUALIST, portrayed by Paul Chaplin, timidly enters. He's a scrawny, pale fella clad only in BVDs. Other than cat ears on the top of his head and a tail attatched to his undies, he looks human. His soft voice cracks a little.) SENCHY: Uh... hi, Crow's friends. I'm the Sensualist, but you can call me Senchy. MIKE: (trying to shake his hand) Nice to meet you, Senchy. I'm Mike! SENCHY: (cowering) Ahh!!! Don't hit! CROW: You'll have to forgive Senchy. After years of living in a Felistian harem, he's understandably jumpy. Aren't ya, Senchy? SENCHY: Yeah... well... I... CROW: Anyhow, just like the story says, Senchy's one hell of a singer. Why don't you wow us with one of your famous medleys, Senchy? SENCHY: Gee... I don't know... I... CROW: Great! Hit it! (The lights go down and a spotlight hits the SENSUALIST. We hear a gentle piano accompaniment in the background. The SENSUALIST clears his throat and begins to sing. His voice is unsteady and flat and occasionally cracks. He doesn't handle the transitions between songs well, either.) SENCHY: (singing) Oh what a beautiful morrrrrrning Oh what a beautiful... Dayyyyyyyy-O Day-yah-yah-O Daylight come and me wanna go... Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope... Play that funky music, white boy! Play that funky music right Play that funky music, white boy! Lay down and boogie and play that funky music (his big finish here) TILLLLL...YOUUUUUUUU...DIEEEEEEEEEE (The music ends. The lights come back up. There is a curious lack of applause.) MIKE: That was really... something. TOM: I haven't heard music like that since... I don't know when. SENCHY: (lower lip quivering) You hated it, didn't you? CROW: Of course they didn't! They loved it... right, guys? MIKE: I don't know if "love" is exactly the word. It was certainly different. TOM: An acquired taste, I'd say. SENCHY: (blubbering) I KNEW you hated it! I'm so humiliated. I'll never be able to show my face again! (He runs off crying and flailing his arms) CROW: Well, I hope you two are happy. You've just dashed Senchy's hopes and dreams of becoming a professional singer and moving to Nashville. It'll take hours just to get him out from underneath the foosball table. Felistian-Terran fusion males are very sensitive at that age. MIKE: I really didn't know. How old IS Senchy, anyway? CROW: Forty-seven. TOM: Forty-seven?!? And he's STILL at that awkward stage? CROW: Obviously, you know nothing about the prolonged adolesence of Felistian-Terran fusion males, Tom. Really, both of you should be ashamed of yourselves right now. MIKE: I dunno... I'm actually feeling pretty GOOD about myself right now. How about you, Tom Swift? TOM: My self-esteem is through the roof! And I'm not feeling so much as a slight twinge of guilt. MIKE: I guess there are times when a total lack of concern for the feelings of others really pays off. TOM: Amen to that. (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!!! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > Week Seven. > =========== TOM: The Matriarch is probably "cheering up" Julian's dad, if you know what I mean. > Alistair noted that Julian looked extremely distracted > all the time MIKE: (Alistair) Damn Spring fever. > and kept blushing during his lessons in > sensuality. CROW: What kind of certification do you get in sensuality? TOM: Well, actually it's usually an associate's degree at a community college. MIKE: You can also get a minor at an accredited University. It's a BA in Bar Hopping. > So making the correct assumption being near the > Sensualist embarrassed him Alistair decided to start giving > Julian some lessons in basic first aid. CROW: Huh?!? TOM: Okay, I'm stumped. Any guesses? MIKE: It's perfectly simple. Alistair is giving Julian lessons on how to meditate, and Julian is blushing because that Sensualist guy keeps hanging around. CROW: So Alistair's solution is to teach Julian first aid? MIKE: Exactly. CROW: And this sovles the problem how, exactly? MIKE: Uh... well... > "Who knows, if you're here long enough I might even > turn you into a doctor. You've certainly got the knack for > it," Alistair commented at the end of the first weeks > instruction. TOM: So this is how Bashir becomes a doctor. CROW: If you ignore the fact that Bashir became a doctor at age ten after becoming so impressed with doctors that he used to practice on his teddy bear... MIKE: That's what THEY want you to believe. > He wasn't just saying to increase Julian's confidence > either. CROW: The old guy was saying what, now? TOM: It looks like the English language has finally been destroyed, guys. Now we have to move on to Ebonics. > Julian was extremely attentive. TOM: He be noticin' whazzup. Word. MIKE: We are NOT going to use Ebonics. TOM: Awwwww... CROW: An'cay e'way use'yay ig'pay atin'lay? MIKE: No. CROW: Amn'day. > He seemed to absorb > medical knowledge like a sponge. CROW: "Like a sponge" - three words that suit Julian perfectly. > A very thirsty sponge at > that. MIKE: Julian Bashir - the quicker picker-upper. > He never grew bored or embarrassed, TOM: So he isn't reading _Stolen Memories_. CROW: Hey, when are they gonna get around to the memory-stealing part, anyway? > he stayed > interested through out every lesson and was curious enough > to actually start asking questions. Seeking answers. MIKE: (Julian) Alistair, where do babies come from? > That > pleased Alistair tremendously. TOM: Julian even stayed after class to clean erasers. MIKE: He's Julian Brownose. > Week Eight > ========== CROW: Julian's dad must be reciting "Ode to Spot" to the Matriarch about now. TOM: Or singing that "Lifeforms" song. > Julian was picked by the Harem Keeper to serve a > noblewoman who came looking for a breeding partner. TOM: I think we're gonna have one disappointed noblewoman on our hands. > Before > sending him off, Alistair instructed him to remember his > meditation and sensuality instructions. MIKE: (Alistair) Remember to take a coat in case it gets cold later! > No matter how hard he tried, Julian couldn't respond to > the noblewoman the way she wanted him to. TOM: Damn pollsters get more aggressive every year. > That lead to a > complaint being made to the Harem Keeper, CROW: Who asked her brother, the Crypt Keeper, to help. > who then gave her > something to give to Julian to drink and instructed her to > `play' with the manling for a while. MIKE: (Harem Keeper) But be careful. He has small parts that are easy to lose. > Being thirsty at the > time Julian had taken the drink. CROW: Hey Julian, how about a nice Hawaiian Punch? > Not long after the > noblewoman began to `play' with him, he began to respond > just the way she wanted him to. TOM: Yes, a glass of orange juice and playtime will cause any manling to toe your party line. > Julian cursed his hormones, his manhood, his nervous > system and anything else he could think of for responding to > the woman. MIKE: Curse you, Red Baron! CROW: Damn you, sunspots! TOM: A plague on both your houses! > He felt humiliated. He hadn't wanted to be there. > He hadn't wanted to have sex with her. TOM: He also hadn't wanted Ross to marry Emily on _Friends_. > He'd hoped that > making her feel good would have been enough. It hadn't been. MIKE: Which brings us to the controversial topic of what women really want. > She wanted to breed and she made his body respond. CROW: This woman looked at Julian and thought, "I want his genetic material to be passed down to my children". I think that could be considered premeditated child abuse. > Then she > made use of him against his will, just like Alis' sister > had. Julian was dragged into the Harem several hours later > by the Harem keeper and a servant to be dumped on the bed > where he immediately curled up into a foetal ball. TOM: Then he was then autographed by all the team members and put on display in a barbeque restauarant. > Once the > women departed CROW: They held a nice funeral service. > Alistair hurried to Julian's bedside to > examine him. MIKE: For some reason, he spend an unusual amount of time studying Julian's crotch. > All he could find were some non-serious > scratches on the boys back, bruising on his throat and > puncture marks. TOM: He'd literally been pussy whipped. > Week Nine > ========= CROW: Meanwhile, the Matriarch is trying that "consort's collar" crap on Julian's dad. > Under Alistair's ministrations, TOM: Mmm... I could go for a nice, hot bowl of ministrations. MIKE: Uh, that's ministrone. > and the occasional > pleasurable attentions of the Sensualist, MIKE: Because nothing cures sexual trauma like more sex. > Julian came back > to his senses to blubber on Alistair's shoulder. CROW: Blubber, blubber, blubber! MIKE: Mukluk! TOM: Macademia! > It took a few hours but Alistair finally got the story > out of Julian. MIKE: With a crowbar. CROW: A me bar? > It seemed he'd been lax, Alistair that is, > not Julian. MIKE: (Alistair) It's my fault that Julian is a terrible lover! > Julian had followed his instructions well, > pleasing the lady in question. Unfortunately after his > experiences he hadn't been aroused one bit, CROW: Because the "lady" bore a strong resemblance to Robin Williams. > they'd drugged > him to get an erection out of him, then his `mistress' had > bitten him. TOM: She should have eaten a Snickers instead. It would've been much more satisfying. > "The first and most important thing I should have > taught you Julian, m'boy, CROW: Who's M'Boy? MIKE: Must be an alien, since all aliens have apostrophes in their names. TOM: No, no. Julian just became Scottish. > was to take pleasure in what you > were doing. MIKE: When you enjoy your work, that will be swell. CROW: This message has been brought to you by the Good Morale Council. > It's only when you do that their bite and the > venom they use can take you to paradise." CROW: You mean out of this story? > "I don't understand." > "Bio-chemistry boy. TOM: Bio-Chemistry Boy, the new action hero! > It's all to do with bio-chemistry. MIKE: So, enjoying sex requires a Junior Chem course. > When you're enjoying yourself your bio-chemistry is > different to what it is when you're scared or not enjoying > yourself. CROW: (Julian) Uh, could you dumb this down about six or seven notches? > At those times, the woman's venom can take you to > hell. TOM: (Alistair) The same thing happens when you stay out too late with your friends at the bar. > It's even worse when they drug you, the drugs make the > venom more potent. CROW: Those Flintstones chewables really pack a wallop. MIKE: Remind me never to let myself be bitten by a rattlesnake while snorting cocaine. > If you don't let yourself go with the > flow and enjoy it, it's sheer unadulterated hell. TOM: Actually, if you think about it, this IS about adultery in hell. > You have to stop being frightened and just take > pleasure in it. If you don't, each and every time you > service a woman, CROW: (Alistair) You'll have to wipe her windshield and gas her up. > you'll go through the same thing. MIKE: Five minutes of sex and two hours of listening to her whine about her last flea dip. > Trust me > on this. TOM: Forget all about love and happiness. Lust and pleasure are the only true emotions. > It's a lesson I learned the hard way. CROW: (Alistair) They beat me until my morale improved. > Unless you're > in the right mental and bio-chemical state, their bite is a > one way ticket to pure hell." TOM: (singing) He's got a ticket to ride... > Julian vowed to remember that MIKE: Alistair's birthday was next week. > and his gaze drifted to > where the Sensualist was lounging on a cushion watching him. CROW: (singing) This magic moment, so different and so new... > Julian never wanted to feel the way he felt when he'd been > bitten again. TOM: (singing) Once bitten, twice shy. > He needed to learn how to go with the flow, MIKE: How to stay funky. > and none of the women were about to take the time to teach > him. So that left only one other person. CROW: Alexander the Great? TOM: Elton John? MIKE: Liberace? CROW: Michael Jackson? TOM: Peter Lorre? MIKE: Chief? ALL: McCloud? > The Sensualist. ALL: Ohhhhh. > Alistair caught the direction Julian's gaze drifted in and > then correctly worked out what was going on in his mind. CROW: He's trying to remember the lyrics to the _Misfits of Science_ theme song. > "Julian," he said, to catch his attention. > Julian looked at him. > "Has he... tried doing it again?" TOM: (Alistair) Did he steal your lunch money again? > Julian blushed, an answer in itself. MIKE: Only if the question was "What does a blush look like?" > "Why didn't you tell me?" CROW: (Julian) Because of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. > "I... didn't want you to beat him again. TOM: (Julian) Can't you let him win at Battleship just once? > He didn't hurt > me, not the first time, not the last time either. MIKE: (Julian) Every time in between, he smashed my head into the wall repeatedly. > He backed > off when I made it plain I didn't want to have sex with > him." CROW: (Julian) I gave him a sternly-worded memorandum about it. > "I see... Now you're curious about it... Aren't you?" TOM: (Seinfeld) Not that there's anything wrong with that. > "I... Enjoyed what he did to me," Julian admitted. > Alistair sighed. MIKE: (singing) Boy... you'll be a woman, soon. > "Of course you did, he's been in the harems for near on > five years now. He knows every single trick in the book. TOM: Unfortunately, the book is John Norman's _Imaginative Sex_. > Hell, I taught him everything I could when I thought he had > a brain in his head." CROW: Then I found out he actually had a small intestine in his head! Darn alien physiologies... > "He does you know?" MIKE: (Yoda) Think we not does he. > "No, he's just like the rest, witless, just.. TOM: ...like Craig Kilborn. > more > headstrong than they are, but, that doesn't matter. MIKE: (Alistair) All that matters is that I can't stand homosexuals. All right? > What > does matter is the fact you can't enjoy sex after what > happened to you. TOM: (Alistair) Normally that doesn't happen until after you're married. > Since you admit to enjoying the heavy > petting he got up to.. I don't see why shouldn't explore it > further if you're curious." MIKE: But there's no use getting into heavy petting. It only leads to trouble and seat-wetting. > "You aren't going to yell at me?" CROW: (Alistair) Of course I am, just not for that. > "Hell no, ALL: We won't go! MIKE: Wait, I will. TOM: Me too. CROW: Not me. I've got a morbid interest in seeing if this story actually goes somewhere. This isn't an experiment anymore. It's a quest. Oh, who am kidding? I'd leave in a second if I could. > It's your body Julian, if you want to share > it with a male, that's your right. MIKE: Which Amendment is that, anyway? TOM: (Alistair) And if you want to be selfish and keep your boyish sex appeal to yourself, that's your choice. > And your prerogative. > It's not like you get much choice at anything else around > this place. CROW: Well, you do get to choose whether you eat Fancy Feast or Whiskas. > If it makes you feel good to be with him that > way, then go for it," Alistair said, then left Julian alone > to think it through. (ALL hum the Final Jeopardy music as TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. They continue as MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS enter. They are obviously distraught.] CROW: So let me get this straight, Mike - the basic message of _Stolen Memories_ is that women are beings of pure evil who exist solely to cause pain and suffering for men? MIKE: That pretty much sums it up, Tom. The story seems to be advising men to avoid having any relationships with the opposite sex, since they only lead to degradation and agony in the long run. TOM: Oh, what I wouldn't give for a POSITIVE image of femininity right now! MIKE and CROW: Amen! (As if on cue, GYPSY dashes in) GYPSY: (urgently) Guys! The satellite is about to pass through an asteroid belt! We need to prepare ourselves for severe turbulence! Does everyone remember Emergency Drill #1106B? MIKE and BOTS: (cheerfully) Gypsy! (The guys all rush to greet GYPSY. MIKE gives her a bear hug, while TOM and CROW affectionately lean against her. For some reason, MIKE and the BOTS regress to a childlike state.) TOM: Gypsy, it's so good to see you! CROW: Oh Gypsy, we missed you! MIKE: Would you tell us a story, Gypsy? Would ya? Huh? GYPSY: Didn't you hear what I just said? We're about to go through an asteroid belt! We need to get ready PRONTO! There's a serious chance we could all perish! CROW: Oh, Gypsy, you say the nicest things! MIKE: You'd never subject us to humiliating torture, Gypsy. Not like those mean old Felistian women. TOM: Would you sing us a lullaby, Gypsy? Please? MIKE and CROW: Yeah! A lullaby! GYPSY: There's no time for that! We've got to... OH, FORGET IT! You guys are on your own! (GYPSY leaves in a panic) TOM: Wait! Come back! CROW: Don't go, Gypsy! MIKE: Don't leave us alone again, Gypsy! (Too late; she's gone. MIKE and the BOTS let out a collective sigh.) CROW: Oh, well. At least we learned that not all women are cruel and manipulative. Some of them really do care about... (Suddenly we hear a loud crash, like rock hitting metal. The whole bridge shakes and the lights flicker.) TOM: Hmmmm. I wonder what that was. MIKE: Probably nothing. If we were headed for trouble, Gypsy would keep us posted. Right? CROW: Of course she would! Gypsy loves us! (Another crash. MIKE shrugs, utterly ignorant of what's happening. A piece of panelling from the ceiling falls off and conks him on the head, knocking him unconscious.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (16/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:51 GMT Lines: 662 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] CROW: How's your head, Mike? MIKE: It's fine. > Week Ten > ======== TOM: This must be the Director's Cut of _9 1/2 Weeks_. > While Julian sent many a look the Sensualists way, the > Sensualist never considered any of them invitations, CROW: "The Sensualist" is a really clunky character name. Couldn't they have just called him Ted or something? > he was > smart enough to be able to tell the difference between an > invite and a I'm just nervous about where you are look. MIKE: I always had trouble with that. A "come hither" look and an "is he stalking me" look are so much alike... > As the week passed Alistair distracted Julian from thinking > about the `duties' he would have to preform again some day TOM: Now that's pretty convenient. All their duties come pre-formed. > by telling him tales about his time in Starfleet as a CMO on > a Starship. CROW: Ah, old Starfleet stories. The next best thing to anesthesia. TOM: (Alistair) And then we ran into another type of space anomaly no other ship had ever encountered before... > Julian was riveted MIKE: To the floor. > and with the innocence and > optimism of youth he declared he'd become a Starfleet > Doctor, CROW: With his own Starfleet TARDIS. > after I get out of here." TOM: Wait, where'd that quotation mark come from? MIKE: I think that was one of the authors. After he writes 30,000 words, Red Skye will let him out of his cage. > That was when Alistair stopped telling stories of the > past. CROW: (Alistair) No more tales of the Punic Wars for you, young man! > Only by accepting his enslavement was for life could > Julian come to terms with it. TOM: Alistair should read _The Power of Positive Thinking_. > While ever he held onto the > dream of a life outside the Harem his attentions would be > focused on the impossible - Escape. CROW: The Harem, unfortunately, was on Gilligan's Island. > "There is no escape from here MIKE: iT wIlL bE dArK sOoN... CROW: AHAHAHAHA... you're STUCK HERE! TOM: (Colonel Klink) No vun haz effer escaped from Shtalag 13, und no vun effer vill-l-l-l! > - They'll just hunt you > down and bring you back in chains - CROW: Julian Bashir *IS* Kunta Kinte! > drug you until there's > nothing left of you but a brain dead Zombie who obeys every > single order he's given without question or thought. MIKE: So he'd be half-Sid Vicious, half-Forrest Gump. > Is that > what you want to be, Julian. *Brain Dead*?" TOM: Or would you prefer to be *The Frighteners*? Or *Meet the Feebles*? > Alistair said > watching Julian turn pasty faced, then a stubborn look > appeared on Julian's face. CROW: Resolve or constipation? YOU make the call! > "Alis will find me, you'll see, she'll come for me, TOM: (singing) Some day, my princess will come... MIKE: Or at least fake it. > take me away from this place, back to the Palace.. Back to > my father." CROW: (singing) Back to life, back to reality... > Alistair rolled his eyes. MIKE: Eye rolling; one of the least popular Easter activities. > "Take a look out the window boy." > "I'm not a boy... TOM: (Julian) Well, I won't be after the operation... > "*Look out the window*," Alistair roared. CROW: (Alistair) What color is the bear?!? > Julian jumped to his feet and was out the window MIKE: And thus was able to escape the Harem. Alistair was later seen banging his head against the wall and asking why he didn't think of that. > before > he realised he'd obeyed simply because Alistair had roared > at him. TOM: Alistair is doing Pavlovian experiments, I see. > He glanced back at Alistair then pulled the curtain > aside CROW: Let's show him what he's won! > to look out at the view that Alistair had told him not > to look at before this day. (So he wouldn't get ideas.) MIKE: He didn't want Julian tampering with a perfectly good window treatment. > As > his eyes took in the magnificent view the windows offered of > the palace grounds, TOM: Oh, sure. Windows (tm) has nifty graphics, but that's it. > they widened and Julian's colour fled. CROW: Not even Julian's own melanin can stand to be around him. > He almost fell. MIKE: So he almost sent the tape to _America's Funniest Home Videos_. > The Sensualist was there to catch him and > steady him while he recovered from the shock. TOM: (Julian) I saw a city in the clouds, and my friends... I don't have any. > "I made the same mistake you did once boy, Falling in > love with and trusting one of those women. CROW: (Alistair) I've learned that there's only one person you can trust. His name is Jack Daniels. > She made all > sorts of nice promises that she never kept and installed me > here. MIKE: (Alistair) Take it from the Fresh Prince. Girls of the world ain't nothin' but trouble. > Just like your lover did." TOM: Bottom line, women + power = evil. > Julian shook his head. > "No.... Alis isn't like that." CROW: (Alistair) Yes she is. There's no such thing as individuality. > "They're all like that." TOM: (Alistair) Those Felistians are evil, I tell ya! EEEEEEEEEEVIL! MIKE: (Julian) Alistair, you said that about all the aliens. TOM: (Alistair) I just want attention. > "Alis is different." CROW: She's mountain-grown. > "Because she took the time to get past your guard.. MIKE: (Alistair) Once there, she simply slipped the ball into the basket and led the Terps TO A CRUSHING VICTORY AGAINST YOU AND EVERY OTHER TEAM IN IT'S PATH. SUCKER!!! CROW: I didn't know you watch college basketball. > She's just smarter than most. TOM: Well, considering that half of her race isn't sentient... > She knew you'd fall for it. MIKE: (Alistair) Shall I tell you why? > I > wouldn't be surprised to learn she actually told her sister > you were all hers to do what she liked with once you'd > served your purpose." CROW: Nice thing to say about your daughter, Alistair. > "Shut up!" Julian shrieked covering his ears. TOM: (Alistair) Search your feelings! You know it to be true! MIKE: Now I understand why the Sensualist calls Alistair "The Dark One". > The Sensualist embraced him and started stroking his > hair. CROW: (Sensualist) It's okay, Julian. Don't cry. We'll just go to the pound and get you a new girlfriend. > "You're wrong, I know you're wrong. TOM: And knowing is half the battle. > I won't listen to > you any more," Julian shrieked. MIKE: (Julian) It's time for _Imus in the Morning_. > "Men mean nothing here. You're no exception." TOM: Julian doesn't mean anything ANYWHERE! > "She made me her consort," Julian retorted. > Alistair's brows defected in surprise, CROW: They got in an F-105 and flew to the USSR. > struck > speechless he just gaped at Julian. Julian looked back at > him triumphant. TOM: (Julian, sing-songy) Nyah nyah, nyah nyah, nyah! > "She even made a vow to the first mother not to take > another man as a lover. And asked me to share her life." MIKE: (Julian) And she gave me a Twix. > "No woman ever goes back on her word to the first > mother," the Sensualist murmured for Julian's hearing only. CROW: Why didn't he just say that out loud so everyone could hear? > "Maybe she's not a lost cause," Alis muttered. TOM: Wait, how did Alis get in here? Did she stop in to say one line of dialogue in which she refers to herself in the third person? MIKE: Maybe she's a wandering Bob Dole. > "She'll find me and rescue me from here.." CROW: (singing) Come on baby and rescue me... > "Maybe she will, but, after what you've been through > already do you really want to be her consort?" Alistair > asked. TOM: (Alistair) I mean, she's beautiful, rich, and willing to go against her beliefs for you. Who needs a woman like that? > "She's not like the others, I love her and she loves > me, MIKE: (Julian) We're a happy family! > and if I ask her too I'm sure she'll come with me when I > leave this place." CROW: After all, there's nothing that a cat loves more than to be uprooted for no good reason. > "Assuming she agrees to that, what makes you think her > mother will let you take her prime and only heir away from > the Empire?" TOM: (Julian) Uh... false? True? None of the above? 1492? > Julian had no answer for that question. MIKE: (Julian) They expect me to name the two miracles that got Saint Ambrose canonized?!? > It was > something he hadn't considered. CROW: He also hadn't considered becoming a professional hand model. > ********************** TOM: My God, it's full of stars! > That night Julian awoke to the hot breath of the > Sensualist at his ear, muttering words that penetrated his > sleep fogged mind. MIKE: Yo Quiero Taco Bell. > "Only one can be the favourite of the Heir, and receive > her bounty, CROW: Alis is a paper towel mogul? > and take the Old One's place as Leader of the > Harem and that one will be me." TOM: (Sensualist) I just can't wait to be King. > His eyes snapped open, in time to see the Sensualist > kneeling over him pillow in his hands. MIKE: (Julian) Thanks, but I'm already quite comfy! > Drawing in a deep > breath Julian prepared to scream as the pillow was pressed > down over his face. Muffling his scream, smothering him. ALL: YESSSSSS!!! CROW: The Sensualist is finally doing what we couldn't! > Julian fought him for all he was worth, TOM: All of a sudden, the story starts describing a law suit. > trying to get > the pillow off his face, so he could breath. MIKE: If any idiot can use a pillow as a deadly weapon, the Felistians had better hope they never capture MacGuyver. > Coloured > lights, stars flashed before his minds eye. CROW: Super Freak-Out, from Ohio Arts! > He felt > incredibly light headed. Then he felt nothing. TOM: Then he felt itchy. Then nothing again. > ************************ MIKE: Remember those stars that flashed before his mind's eye? Well, just in case you were wondering what they looked like... > Alistair heard the muffled screams from his bed and > awoke looking around trying to place them. CROW: (Alistair) I think the muffled screams will look nice on the mantle. > Seeing the > Sensualist kneeling over Julian holding a pillow to the > young man's face, Alistair reacted fast. TOM: (Alistair) Sensualist, wait! Let me help you! > He was out of the > bed and striding across the harem in a stride that took more > ground than running any day. MIKE: Except the last Friday of June, for some reason. CROW: Alistair Mender, speedwalker extraordianaire! > Alistair arrived at the bedside just as the fight left > Julian and he turned limp. He grabbed the Sensualist by the > tail and bent it down the middle. TOM: His tail is a Flexi-straw! Neat! > With the snapping of bone, MIKE: From supposedly very flexible tails. > The Sensualist arched letting out a caterwaul of agony that > awoke everyone who'd still been sleeping in the harem. CROW: Turn down that damned Michael Bolton album! > Then > the Sensualist passed out falling to the bed. TOM: I guess he's exhausted from that little cat fight. > Alistair > hauled him off the bed and dropped him on the floor then MIKE: Dozed off in front of the TV. > turned his attention to Julian, pulling the pillow from his > face, taking his pulse. CROW: And his wallet. > Julian wasn't breathing. TOM: And, ironically, the fanfic is showing signs of life. > Around them the other men crept toward the bed. CROW: And what rough beasts, their hour come round at last, slouch towards Julian's bed, to be bored? > The > Sensualists limp body was removed from the immediate area. ALL: Heave, ho. > A pulse, thready. MIKE: Thready, thet, go! > Alistair laid a hand over Julian's heart. CROW: And pledged allegiance to the flag. > The organ pulsed in fits and starts, MIKE: Then broke into a rousing rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". > the last reflex beats > or something more? He couldn't tell. TOM: Having flunked out of medical school after two weeks. > For a very short moment > in time Alistair wondered if he should try to save the young > man. CROW: (Alistair) Hippocratic oath, shmipocratic oath. > For some death was preferable than a life time > enslavement in the Harems. Then Alistair remembered what > Julian had said about his Princessa. TOM: (Alistair) Something about signs on her legs that say "Open 24 hours". > Alistair decided to > take the optimistic view. CROW: Ironically, the optimistic view was what got Alistair into the harem in the first place. MIKE: (Alistair) Hey, that cat girl is really cute! I'm sure that if I go home with her, she won't induct me into her harem! > Tilting Julian's head back and > clearing his airway Alistair began resuscitating the young > man. Interested men watched. CROW: Interesting men, however, were absent from the scene. > After a full three minuets with no apparent success > Alistair TOM: Tried a waltz. > sat back on his heels looking down at Julian sadly > then he moved off the bed, pulling the blanket over Julian's > still body. ALL: WOOHOO!!! (Balloons and confetti fall from the top of the screen) CROW: (singing) Ding dong, the wimp is dead! TOM: Which ole wimp? CROW: The Terran wimp! ALL: Ding dong, the Terran wimp is dead! > As he walked away head bowed, TOM: (Alistair) Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name... > he failed to > notice the very slight rise and fall of the blanket over > Julian. MIKE: D'oh! CROW: This guy is like Jason. TOM: Aren't doctors REQUIRED to notice these things? MIKE: He'd sure be nice to have on Earth. "Well, I GUESS he's dead. Might as well cut the life support now before our electric bill shoots up any more." CROW: He's a Hippocratic Oaf. > ********************** MIKE: It's the Lou Rawls Parade of Stars. > Week Eleven > ============ TOM: (Nigel Tufnel) This week goes to eleven. > The Harem keeper was not pleased to discover to > discover the nobles favourite mate floating in the bath/pool > face down. MIKE: Gloria Swanson IS Julian Bashir in _Starfleet Boulevard_! CROW: (falsetto) I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Roddenberry! > She questioned the men with half an ounce of > brains about it. TOM: All two of them. > They all shrugged. CROW: Maybe she should've questioned the men with a WHOLE ounce of brains. MIKE: Or the men with Best Brains. > She chalked it up to > accident and left it at that. TOM: Accidental death by broken tail. > Until she saw the blanket > covered Julian. CROW: (harem keeper) This blanket will tell me what I need to know! > Crossing to his bedside she pulled the > blanket away MIKE: (harem keeper, whiny) MINE! > and touched his face. TOM: (Julian) Bad touch! > He was cold and clammy to > touch. Her fingers found his pulse point and detected a very > faint thready pulse. CROW: It looks like the Mission Ops Productions thesaurus had the day off. > As she looked down at him she noticed > the nearly imperceptible rise and fall of MIKE: The Roman Empire. > his chest. > Pulling his eye lids TOM: Just to see if they'd snap back like window blinds. > she looked at his eyes, his pupils > were mere specks of black in a deep brown background. CROW: Like two charcoal briquettes in a sea of chocolate pudding. > She > debated what to do about it. MIKE: Finally, she shelled out for those color-tinted contacts. > Recalling just who had brought > the manling to her for inclusion in the harem the Harem > keeper shivered, TOM: Me timbers. > imagining what she'd do if she discovered > he'd died. With that thought in mind she called for Medical > attention. CROW: (Harem Keeper) Get me Chad Everett! Stat! > Alistair rolled over to watch the Medical crew work > over Julian thinking how useless it all was since the young > man had been dead half the night. MIKE: And those vultures circling overhead were NOT a good sign. > Then he saw Julian's body > jerk TOM: Oh no! He's trying to breakdance! > and heard him let out a reflexive gasp. Alistair sat > bolt upright at that to stare at Julian's bed. CROW: (Alistair) If he dies, I can put a writing desk where that bed is. > With their work down MIKE: What's a "work down"? Is it anything like a workout? > The Head of the medical crew sent > his people off TOM: I thought Felistian males weren't sapient... > and then took Alistair aside to hand him a > small case full of medicines and hypo's giving him > instructions for their use. Alistair listened carefully. CROW: (Alistair) I never had a hypo tell me how to use medicine before. I'd better listen to what it says... > Nodding now and then, MIKE: You mean nodding off now and then. > then he requested a proper medical > kit. TOM: A proper young Felistian? > His request was refused, she didn't trust him enough to > give him anything that could conceivably be turned into a > weapon. CROW: Except those deadly pillows. MIKE: I'd like to point out that the head of the medical crew had a sex change in the space of four sentences. > ************************ TOM: No two snowflakes are alike, huh? Yeah, right. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (17/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:45 GMT Lines: 904 -------- [SOL Bridge. CROW is peering into the Nanoscope as MIKE enters.] CROW: So you think you could handle a special request like that? [Cut to shot of Ned the Nanite] NED: No problem. As we Nanites like to say, "We're fantastic, we're stupendous. Special orders don't offend us." (laughs) [SOL Bridge. MIKE is trying to sneak a peek at the Nanoscope to see what's going on. CROW doesn't seem to notice him.] CROW: That's good to hear. (to himself, panting slightly) Old Crow is going to have fun tonight. I might even Wang Chung tonight. MIKE: Uh, Crow, you wanna explain this...? CROW: (a little startled) Oh, hi Mike! Well, you're going to find out sooner or later, so I guess I'll just tell you. I asked the Nanites to make a Corvustian harem for me. MIKE: You WHAT? CROW: C'mon, Mike, it gets lonely up here in space. I have needs just like everyone else. Anyhow, it's too late to argue. I've already contracted to have this place redecorated. (Suddenly, we hear a blip, and in an instant, the Bridge of the SOL is redecorated. The whole room is draped in velvet, and there are pillows everywhere. Sleazy music plays in the background. CROW is now smoking a pipe and wearing a bathrobe.) MIKE: What have you DONE, Crow? It looks like Hugh Hefner's guest bedroom in here! CROW: Geez, Mike. Cool out! The ladies will be here any second now. (We hear another blip, and now the SOL Bridge is filled with six female versions of Crow. They look like Crow, but are wearing dresses, false eyelashes, and blond wigs. MIKE is mortified, as anyone in that situation would be.) CORVUSTIAN #1: (snuggling up to CROW) Hiya, big boy! CORVUSTIAN #2: My, what big muscles you have! CROW: Ah, this is living! Uh, say, Mike... would you mind making yourself scarce for about fifteen minutes? MIKE: (stern) Crow, I'm giving you five minutes to get all this junk out of here OR ELSE! CROW: Or else WHAT? MIKE: Or else your TV privileges are revoked for a whole week! CROW: B-but... there's a very special _Felicity_ on this week. Have a heart, Mike! MIKE: Just get this stuff outta here, Crow. CROW: Oh, all right! I'll have to get the return slip. (CROW ducks down below the counter. MIKE is left alone with the harem of Corvustians. One of them lustfully sidles up to him.) CORVUSTIAN #3: Hi there, Tall, Pale, and Handsome! Wanna dance? MIKE: (uncomfortable) Gee, I'd like to, but I can't. I've got a sprained ankle. (looks down) Uh, Crow, you wanna hurry up with that return slip? (CROW rises up from behind the counter.) CROW: As a matter of fact, no I don't. I'm not getting rid of this harem. You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do! MIKE: But Crow, we only have enough RAM Chips for four robots. CROW: One return slip coming up. (CROW goes below the counter again. Another Corvustian sidles up to MIKE.) CORVUSTIAN #4: Hi there! MIKE: Um, hi. CORVUSTIAN #4: We're in geosychronus orbit, right? MIKE: (uneasily) Yeah. CORVUSTIAN #4: So, do you want to become a member of the 22,300 mile high club? (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! Hallelujah! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the CROW enter and take their seats.] > Week Twelve > ============ CROW: Alis is probably off chasing the Rats of NIMH. > Julian came to his senses slowly, sluggishly. MIKE: Quick, pour salt on him! (TOM enters and takes his seat) TOM: Is that Crow's family out there on the bridge? MIKE: Uh, I'll explain later. > Alistair > spent days trying to draw a positive action, not a reflex > out of him. CROW: (Alistair) Come on, Julian. Community service is good for you! > It was wasted effort. Julian just drifted from > day to day, curled up on his bed. Eating when feed, doing > nothing more. TOM: Slacker. > Alistair had to bed bath MIKE: And beyond. > him and change the > bedding constantly since Julian didn't even leave the bed to > head for the excreta facilities. CROW: Julian is becoming Elvis circa 1976. > Alistair's hair which had been streaked through with > grey was now pure white and new wrinkles scored his face, > from guilt and concern. TOM: (Alistair) I'll never get a date for Sadie Hawkins looking like this! > He'd known the Sensualist had an eye > to taking over as `The Big Man' in the Harem. MIKE: And after that, he was going to take over Jay Leno's job. > He should have > realised the Sensualist would see Julian and his professed > consort status with the Prime Heir to be a stumbling block > to his goal. CROW: Along with his, shall we say, "questionable" military record. MIKE: It was really nice of the Sensualist to become his political rival's boyfriend before killing him, though. > He should have thought to protect Julian or at > the very least, TOM: Charged admission to see him being smothered. > watched what the Sensualist was doing. CROW: (Alistair) I'm not sure how watching him play in the cat climber would have helped, but... > But > no, he'd moved his bed as far from Julian's as possible so > as to not have to witness or hear Julian and the Sensualist > going at it like rabbits. MIKE: It's Watership Down porn! TOM: This is more than I wanted to know about Calvin and Hobbes' sex life. > Only that wasn't what the Sensualist had in mind, CROW: The Sensualist just wanted someone to watch _Loveline_ with. > Alistair guessed he'd been planning this from the moment he > made Julian his protege. MIKE: Pretend to really like him, then sneak up and smother him with a pillow as if he were a complete stranger. What a brilliant strategy. > Until Julian's entry into the > Harems ranks the Sensualist had been seen as his natural > successor. TOM: But as David Letterman will tell you, that doesn't mean anything. > The Sensualist had been smarter than Alistair had > given him credit for. CROW: He'd put too much emphasis on those standardized tests. > And that mistake had nearly cost > Julian his life, had it also cost him his mind? MIKE: (_Prince of Space_ kid) It nearly cost him his life, had it cost him his mind, you go home, I want a soft drink. TOM: I'm guessing sentence structure isn't stressed a lot at Mission Ops Productions. > Week Thirteen > =========== CROW: You have to believe that if the Hardy Boys existed in the Trek universe, Julian would have been rescued a long time ago. > Alistair lay curled up beside Julian in sleep, guarding > him. MIKE: So, with Old Guy guarding him, how many times do you think Julian's been pack raped by now? TOM: No more than twenty. Thirty at the most. > He felt something touch his throat and half awoke > before falling into a drugged sleep. CROW: He shouldn't have taken those cough drops Robert Downey Jr. gave him. > He awoke in another Harem altogether. This one bare of > the luxurious fittings the Palace's Harem had possessed. MIKE: This one didn't even have cable! > The > walls were stark and featureless, TOM: (Alistair) Hey, where's my Redskins Cheerleaders calender? > but for air vents high up > on the walls near the ceiling. CROW: Are the vents big enough to crawl around in? MIKE: Do you even have to ask? > Without drapes or picture > windows. TOM: How gauche! MIKE: OH, THE *HUMANITY*!!! > There were two doors, one that lead to a barely > adequate bathing room, one that lead to presumably the Harem > Keepers realm. CROW: All of a sudden we're in Zork. > It was always locked. MIKE: As was the honor bar. > The beds were rough. TOM: They'd give Alistair Dutch rubs until he gave them his lunch money. > Bedding non-existent. CROW: The same could not be said of sentence fragments. > Food was > bland and unappetising, MIKE: (Alistair) Yuck! Haggis! > delivered once a day with fresh > water by the Harem keeper who didn't waste any breath by > talking to Alistair. TOM: Still, it's better than MOST Middle Eastern hotels. > "I don't like this one little bit," he muttered. CROW: (Alistair) I shall write a letter of complaint to the travel guide who recommended this place. > Week Fourteen > ============== MIKE: (Julian's dad) Maybe I should at least put his face on a milk carton. > Alistair awoke at the sound of the door opening and sat > up to see the Noblewoman he'd seen at the Palace, Julian's > captor, enter the Harem. TOM: Besides sitting up, Alistair can roll over, fetch, and play dead. > He tried to shield the young man > from her. CROW: Alistair is Kevin Costner in _The Bodyguard II_. > She laughed and back handed him with such strength > that he was unconscious before he flew off the bed to hit > the stone floor a good two meters away. MIKE: So much for the biggest man in the harem. TOM: With a strong backhand like that, she should be at Wimbledon. > For the first time since the attempt on his life by the > Sensualist Julian reacted to stimulus. CROW: (Julian, drugged) Ooh, pretty. > The sight of his > tormentor, the feel of her claws on his skin as she slapped > him over and over was enough to get a reaction. MIKE: (Julian) She's my sister. She's my daughter. She's my sister. > He started screaming his lungs out. TOM: Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!! > She laughed and > covered his mouth muffling his screams. TOM: (Bobo voice, muffled) Mmph! Now the bushes are muffling my screams! Flavia! > "You remember me, good." CROW: (de Sade) So I won't have to stop slapping you to introduce myself. MIKE: (Julian, muffled) My name's not "good"! > He started fighting her aiming kicks and blows at > anything he could hit with his arms and legs. CROW: That didn't do any good, of course. Julian has a kick like Passover wine. > She reared > back out reach. Julian scrambled back across the bed, fell > over the edge to discover he could scramble under it. MIKE: He could poach and fry under there, too. > He > did. TOM: Quickly getting over his fears of the monsters that live under there. > Alistair started coming around. CROW: (singing) Don't come around here no more. > "You really are asking for what you get, Manling." MIKE: (de Sade) And this year, you're getting argyle socks for Christmas! > She > said and she crouched on all fours to peer under the bed > where Julian cowered, looking back at her eyes wide with > terror. TOM: Something under the bed is whimpering! > She rose up then leaped on the bed and with all the vim > and vigour of a young child began bouncing up and down on > it. ALL: (Animaniacs) Boingy, boingy, boingy... > Julian cried out as the base above him kept slamming him > down to the ground, pounding at him. CROW: ("mom" voice) How many times have I told you kids? No jumping on the bed! If you want to play rough, go outside. > Alistair foggily heard Julian's cries and looked about. > He saw her again and part of him wanted to cry. MIKE: The hero is cowering under the bed and the villian is acting like a five year-old. Part of me wants to cry, too. > He had no > doubts about her parentage. CROW: (Alistair) She's Leona Helmsley's daughter. > She was almost the spitting > image of his mother, MIKE: (bass) Alistair! Clean up your room, do your homework, and put your mother out for the night! CROW: I'm guessing that Alistair's a cousin of Romulus and Remus. > only his mother hadn't had a tail or > catlike ears. TOM: She did have whiskers and claws, however. > "This is fun," she said gleefully. MIKE: Ah, that's the Marquis we know and love. > Alistair felt his gorge rise. CROW: Who would have guessed that Alistair had tectonic plates? > How could this sadist be > his daughter. TOM: Well, first you shagged her mother, then-- MIKE: (interupting) It's a rhetorical question. > Julian couldn't take it any longer. CROW: (Julian) I'm calling my agent. There's no way in Hell I'm going to finish this story. > Between bounces he > started scuttling back toward the edge of the bed, trying to > escape the pounding. TOM: Advil. Stop the pain. > As his limbs started poking out from > under the bed, MIKE: The rest of his body came out from behind the lamp. > She noticed and waited until he he'd scuttled > into the open. CROW: (de Sade) There's no use hiding from me, young man. You're going to the doctor and that's final! > He didn't even have time to catch his breath > before she pounced on him driving what breath he had out of > his body. TOM: (Jerry "the King" Lawler) De Sade hits Julian with a body slam from the top rope! That's GOTTA hurt! > Alistair rose to his feet unsteadily, head throbbing > and spinning, stomach queasy, ready to throw up at any time. MIKE: That'll teach him to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl. CROW: (Alistair) Maybe my stomach acid (urp) will slowly eat through her skin, thus giving me the victory... (urp) > He couldn't see what was happening on the other side of the > bed but he could hear Julian start screeching and the sounds > of a struggle, along with *Her* malicious laughter. TOM: Ah-hahahahahaha... wipeout! > He looked about desperately and his gaze fell on the > water jug. MIKE: (Alistair) That really is a lovely item. Is it antique? > He staggered to the bench and snatched it up then > staggered back to and around the bed. CROW: Joe Cocker becomes a water seller. TOM: So the women are top-notch fighters, whereas the men scream, faint, and have to use vases to knock out their opponents. I feel like I'm reading _Aeia_. > He had to fight the > urge to retch as he saw MIKE: Roy Clark nude. > what his daughter was doing to the > screaming Julian. CROW: She was making him watch Adam Sandler movies! TOM: The fiend! > Any hesitation he might have felt > vanished. MIKE: He decided to go ahead and retch. > Without a second thought, he moved in and brought > the jug down on his daughters head with all his strength. CROW: Ka-bonnnngggggg!!! (famous Hanna Barbera sound effect) TOM: Who says that there are no Family Values left in today's fiction? > She reared back then collapsed on top of Julian. CROW: Bastet is down! > Julian kept screaming in hysteria and pain as Alistair > dragged his daughters limp body off him. MIKE: (Alistair) Well, I've protected you from my daughter, but with my Aunt Gladys you're on your own. > Then Alistair > slapped the screaming young man till he stopped and started > sobbing, drawing in huge draughts of breath with every sob. TOM: That's not how you stop him from screaming. Here, let me. (slap) Remain calm! (slap, punch) (MIKE takes out a baseball bat, ala _Airplane_) > Alistair looked him over carefully. He had what promised to > be some nasty bruises and some truly vicious claw and bite > marks from his neck to his waist. MIKE: He had been dating Joan Rivers. > With no medical supplies > and no bedding to rip up for bandages Alistair could do > nothing what so ever for Julian. CROW: (Alistair) I guess I could rip up this ascot I'm wearing, but it's made of silk! > Nothing that is but help > him escape. TOM: Escape from the Planet of the Rapes. > He looked at his unconscious daughter then knelt beside > her to start stripping her of her clothes. MIKE: Suddenly the story becomes an Arkansas family reunion. > In a few minutes > he had the sobbing young man dressed in her clothes CROW: RuPaul! TOM: (Alistair) I want you to play J. Edgar Hoover in a movie I'm making. MIKE: Julian Bashir is Tim Curry in "Glen or Glenda II: Life's a Drag"! > and was > leading him toward one of the vents set in the wall. CROW: I KNEW it! Whenever vents are mentioned in a story, you can bet that someone's gonna be crawling around in them. > "You can't stay here any longer. TOM: (Alistair) My other boyfriend is pulling into the driveway! > She's lethal. MIKE: (singing) Poison Ivy... > You have > to get out. ALL: (singing) We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. We gotta get out of this place. CROW: (singing) Girl, there's a better life, for me and yoooouuuuu... > Find your consort." TOM: (Alistair) And don't forget to take a change of clothes. > The content of Alistair's words sunk into Julian's > terror filled mind. MIKE: Your mind would be terror-filled too, if your mentor forced you to wear a dress. > "Find Alis.." CROW: (Julian) Fifth Element... It must be found... > "Yes, Find Alis.. I heard rumours that she was sent on > her life hunt before we were transferred to this hell hole. TOM: (Alistair) And to think I came to this college because they claimed to be a party school. > All Noblewomen sent on their life test must head for the > First Mother's temple at the mouth of the Life River. That's > in the middle of the First Mother's reserve. MIKE: They keep their goddess in a wildlife preserve? > Head for that > boy, it's a wilderness area. CROW: (Alistair) It's the Hundred Acre Woods. > You can't miss it. TOM: (Alistair) We only have one wilderness area on this planet. MIKE: Wow, talk about urban sprawl. CROW: (Julian) Wouldn't I get lost in a wilderness without a compass while bleeding to death? The things I do for my girlfriend... > Once you get > there, find the river and face the sun, TOM: (Alistair) Burn out your retinas. > then start following > the river in that direction." MIKE: (singing) I'll follow the sun... > "Find the river..." > Alistair looked at the vent then stretched as far as he > could to try reach it. > "That's right, find the river." > The vent was beyond his reach. CROW: So the Felistians did some moderate escape-proofing. That's good to know. > "Damn... To high.." TOM: (Steve Martin) Very well. High, I damn thee. > He raced across the room to the bed and dragged it > across to the wall. All the while Julian watched him, like a > Zombie awaiting instructions. MIKE: (Julian) So after I eat the brains, then what? > "Where was I..." CROW: In a really disturbing fanfic. > "Find river.." TOM: Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust Whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it. > "Oh yes.. Find the river, MIKE: Pick it up, and all day you'll have good luck. > face the sun and follow it in > that direction. CROw: And straight on 'til morning. > You'll either met Alis on her way back from > the temple, TOM: Or while you're going to St. Ives. > or arrive at the temple eventually. MIKE: Julian Bashir, religious pilgrim. > If you get > to the temple first, wait there. CROW: Wait for Indiana Jones to show up. > Don't leave it's confines. TOM: (Alistair) Stay a while and look around. The architecture is stunning. > It's the only place on this who damn world you'll be safe." MIKE: (The Doctor) Damn this world! > "Safe.." CROW: Passage.. > Alistair climbed onto the bed and found he could easily > pull the vent cover away. CROW: But it was only moderate escape-proofing, see? > He pulled it off and tossed it > onto the bed, TOM: (Julian) Ow! MIKE: (Alistair) Sorry. Didn't see you lying there. > then he reached down to yank Julian onto the > bed. TOM: (Alistair) What do you say, Julian? How about one last shag, for old times' sake? > "There's a law against violence in the First Mother's > Temple. Anyone who commits an act of violence dies. CROW: (Alistair) There's also a law against going shirtless in public. Anyone who's caught is fined 25 dollars. > Or so > I've heard over the years. MIKE: (Alistair) They may have changed that, in which case you'll be in trouble. But I wouldn't worry about it. > They're rather superstitious, no > one will touch you, so long as you stay in the temple once > you reach it." TOM: Felistians are a cowardly and superstitious lot. > "Stay in temple." CROW: Read the Torah. > "Right. Now. Up you go," Alistair said as he knelt down > to boost Julian up. > It took a few moments for Julian to gather what was > called for. MIKE: An end to this story. > "Climb into the vent, Julian." TOM: Head towards the light... > Julian took the helpful boost then scrambled into the > vent. CROW: Poor sucker. He doesn't know that the vent leads straight to the furnace. > "Don't forget, head for the wilderness and find the > river of life.. MIKE: Purchase it and other fine Billy Joel CD's. > Follow it to the temple." TOM: (Alistair) And while you're out, pick me up a quart of milk and a dozen eggs. > Julian didn't even stop to listen for further > instructions. CROW: (Alistair) Oh, and if you see a magic mushroom... MIKE: (Julian) I wonder if that's important. Naaahhhh. > Once inside the vent, he scrambled along it as > fast as he could. TOM: And bumped into Bruce Willis coming the other way. > "God go with you, son, you need all the help you can > get," CROW: For the first time, Alistair said something I agree with. > Alistair murmured then knelt to pick up the vent cover > and replaced it, MIKE: (Alistair) I would have escaped with him, but Harriet Tubman is coming by tomorrow. > then he shifted the bed back to its > original position. TOM: Is this really the best time to be worried about the room's Feng Shui? > "No need to let them know how you got out," CROW: Yup, there's no WAY they'll ever figure this out. Not with such an original escape plan. > he said as > he picked up the water jug and sat on the edge of the bed > near his unconscious daughters prone form. MIKE: Just an unconscious, naked Princess and a missing slave. Nope, They'll never know anything happened. > He gave Julian all the time he could to escape, TOM: He borrowed Robert Jordan's wheel of it. > using > the jug to belt his daughter over the head every time she so > much as twitched. CROW: This is for Duke! This is for Falcon!! This is for me!!! And THIS is for the *U* *S* of *A*!!!! MIKE: (Alistair) When I say be home by ten, young lady, I MEAN be home by ten!! > ************************** > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART FIVE > ****************************************** TOM: _Stolen Memories_ was sentenced to life without parole in a maximum security prison. MIKE: Huh? TOM: The asterisks look like barbed wire. > > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story > that runs concurrently with "The Hunted". > > > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. CROW: Fanfic not valid in Utah and Alaska. > Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions > first - except in cases of review. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL bridge. MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are gathered behind the counter.] TOM: Gentlemen and Lady, I have gathered you here because I have a shocking theory. I am convinced that Red Skye is actually William F. Buckley. GYPSY: What makes you think that, Tom? TOM: First, I have substantial evidence that Red Skye is a conservative. Exhibit A - Red Skye created a matriarchal society as a dystopia. While many liberals believe that a matriarchy would be a bad thing, not one of them would expend so much effort attacking the concept. They would rather attack patriarchies. CROW: You can't make sweeping generalizations like that, snack dispenser head. TOM: That's what ALL people like you would say, my fatuous confrere. Exhibit B - one of the villains in _Stolen Memories_ is called "the Sensualist", which indicates that the character's creator associates physical pleasure with evil. MIKE: Maybe Red is conservative. That doesn't mean she's William Buckley. TOM: Ah, but you haven't heard my most convincing piece of evidence. Red Skye refers to... er, the male genitalia as one's manhood! As you yourself pointed out, only one person refers to it as that! CROW: There's a hole in your theory, Tomfool. Buckley would never write porn. TOM: That's why he used a pseudonym! (MIKE shakes his head) MIKE: Servo, Red Skye doesn't talk anything like William Buckley. He would probably refer to Alis as "the erudite young patrician", to name just one example. TOM: Well then, who do YOU think she is? MIKE: Isn't it obvious? She's Andrea Dworkin. (The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it) [Planet Bumper] > He looked around to find the sensualist > with his mouth around his manhood. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (18/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:46 GMT Lines: 612 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] TOM: I still say Red is Bill Buckley. (MIKE and CROW sigh) > Article 144 of 418 > > Subject: NEW - Stolen Memories 6/9 (pre-DS9) > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/09 > Message-Id: <5b1dpc$ojh@the-fly.zip.com.au> TOM: But what about the Message-Ego and the Message-Superego? > Organization: The Zipsters MIKE: (Rob Schneider) The Zipsters! The Ziparoonis! Ye Olde Royale Queen's Zip Brigade! Makin' Copies! CROW: Mike? MIKE: Yeah? CROW: You know we love you, but if you do that again, we WILL be forced to hurt you. MIKE: Okay. CROW: Nothing personal, you understand. MIKE: Sure. > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > ======================================================== > > Stolen Memories : TOM: (singing) Stolen memories light the corners of my mind... > Part Six > > Julian ran, MIKE: _Chariots of Fire_, the one-man show. > as if all the hounds of hell were on his > trail, TOM: (singing) Run Eliza! Run from Simon! > there was nothing on his mind, bar CROW: (Barbara Bush) George! That's a horrible thing to say about young Danny. > - escape, and the > directions he'd been given by Alistair. MIKE: (Julian) Buy a loaf of bread, pick up the dry cleaning... > He ran through the > wilderness until he dropped from sheer exhaustion to sleep, TOM: He ran through the briars. CROW: He ran through the brambles. MIKE: He even ran through the bushes where a cat girl wouldn't go. > curled up on a bed of leaves under a tree. TOM: George Washington was chopping down the tree and it fell on Julian. The end. > His sleep was > mercifully deep and > dreamless. CROW: The lack of REM sleep ultimately made him the nutcase he is today. > **************************************** MIKE: Asterisk-y Business. > Alis moved through the wilderness, TOM: (Alis) Hi, Little Red Riding Hood. > dressed in leather > and armour, MIKE: I dub thee Dame Dominatrix. > there was a cross bow in her hands and a giver > full of hard unbreakable (whatever) bolts strapped around > her waist and thigh, in hands reach. CROW: Ah yes, there's nothing quite as deadly as a whatever bolt. TOM: It was really nice of Alis to replace her QUIVER with a charity worker. But won't a govvie slow her down? > Across her back a > small pack was slung, containing all the equipment one was > permitted to carry on ones Life test. MIKE: Included in your survival kit are... > For the most part it > contained basic medical supplies, CROW: Perfume, lip gloss, eye shadow... > like bandages, anti- > biotics, anti-toxins, anti-venom TOM: Antichrist... MIKE: Antimatter... CROW: Antidisestablishmentarianism... > and disinfectant for the > treatment of minor wounds, bug and slither bites. TOM: Slither bites? MIKE: Yeah, they're almost as bad as crawl nibbles. > There were > also packets of spices CROW: Spice Girls on the internet? ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! > and vitamins that she needed in her TOM: Quest to be a Flintstones Kid. > diet to make up for what nature on her world could not > provide, that her dual heritage had given her a need for. MIKE: Paprika? > The test was simple, CROW: She hated herself for blowing so much money on that rip-off "preparation" class. > she had to hike through the > wilderness to reach the First mother's temple, to seek her > blessing and then return to civilisation TOM: It was difficult for her to return after she'd spent all those hours playing the game, only to have the Sioux conquer her three turns before her spaceship got to Alpha Centauri. > - all without the > aide of others. MIKE: But she had to do all this while walking on her hands, which made it a teensy bit more difficult. > Only a cross bow and armour were permitted > for defence against the dangers the wilderness provided and > there were a multitude of dangers to face. CROW: Like any regular family camping trip. > The wilderness itself with poisonous plants, pits and > roots to trip up and break a leg by. MIKE: But isn't breaking a leg a good thing? TOM: That's just in the theater. MIKE: We ARE in the theater. > Bugs, small CROW: (tiny voice) what's up, doc? > and large CROW: WHAT'S UP, DOC?!? > with a poisonous bite that flourished in the wilderness. MIKE: In the city, the poison was ineffectual. > Slithers - reptilian creatures which may or may not have > possessed appendages for walking and crawling and mainly > slithered along the ground, vines and branches found in the > area, or in the water of the river - waiting for the unwary > or foolish to come within striking distance to strike and > bite bringing sickness then death. (ALL gasp for breath) CROW: Phew! Was that a sentence or an elaborate Rube Goldberg invention? TOM: I think that might be the perfect title for a horror movie. I mean, can you imagine going up to a ticket booth and saying, "I'd like one for _Slithers: Reptilian Creatures Which May Or May Not Have Possesed Appendages For Walking and Crawling and Mainly Slithered Along the Ground, Vines and Branches Found in the Area or in the Water of the River, Waiting for the Unwary or Foolish to Come Within Striking Distance to Strike and Bite Bringing Sickness Then Death_ please."? MIKE: You're right. That IS the perfect title! I mean, it puts _The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies_ to shame. CROW: I'd also like to point out how ridiculous it is for the Felistians to not know if slithers have legs or not. MIKE: I guess the authors couldn't decide if they wanted to make a Biblical allusion or not. > Those intelligent enough to put pride aside packed > anti- venom TOM: You mean Spiderman? > to deal with such creatures rather than take > the risk that CROW: The creatures would be out of town that day. > they were not clever enough to see and avoid > the bite of such poisonous vermin. > There were other dangers to face in the wilderness, (MIKE hums the theme to Deliverance) > some roamed on four legs, others' two. CROW: Then on three. > A young kits worst > enemies during her life test could be her mothers' foes who > had passed their life tests, and knew the dangers to be > faced and risked them - to hunt a kit down and kill her to > deprive her mother of a potential heir. TOM: (Alis) Why couldn't I have been born a hani? > But by far the worst danger came from the Wilderbeast > that hunted in the wilderness. MIKE: (Wilderbeast) I have so much time and so little to hunt. Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. > With its armoured hide and > long razor sharp claws and fangs CROW: Beware the Jabberwock, my son... > that could tear a kit apart > even one which was armoured, TOM: From the makers of the Ginsu knife, it's the wilderbeast! > unless one was willing to > exchange freedom of movement, to leap and run, to wear total > body armour from head to foot. MIKE: I hear that's the dress code at most inner-city high schools now. > Even such precautions were > insufficient to survive a Wilderbeast attack, CROW: Unless, of course, you happen to be riding a Blazing Saddle. > with their > strength, they could break a spine, neck or skull by leaping > on unsuspecting prey or with a swipe of their paw. MIKE: The Felistians sure make finding God difficult. CROW: You know, most cultures intend for children to SURVIVE their coming of age rituals. > Alis remembered her mother telling her a kits best > defence against a Wilderbeast was her ability to out run, > out leap and out climb a Wilderbeast. MIKE: And if that didn't work, to have sex with it. > That every piece of > armour one wore restricted such efforts to escape a > Wilderbeast, and slowed a kit down to the point where a > Wilderbeast could catch her. TOM: A turkey dinner will do the same thing. > Thus warned, Alis had restricted her armour to her > torso, forearms, calves and hands in the form of gauntlets, > for protection such as it was from the bite of ground or > branch bound slithers CROW: Slithers, who is that man? TOM: It's Homer Simpson, sir. > she might encounter while moving > through the wilderness. MIKE: She also had to look for the "weightless" armor and the 51 star crystals. > > *************************************************** MIKE: Oops, too late. We found them first. > Julian woke to the sound of something large and > predatory moving through the area, MIKE: Rosie O'Donnell was looking for a snack. > heading his way, > scrambling to his feet he saw it, something massive covered > in armour plate and spikes with lethal looking claws and > fangs. CROW: It's a Predator crossover! > Though he didn't know it he had become the prey of a > Wilderbeast, it roared hoping to > engender fear paralysis in its prey. TOM: It evolved to fill the niche of "eater of things too stupid to run away from predators". MIKE: From a Darwinian perspective, it provides a valuable service. > Julian though wasn't so obliging, CROW: He made the Wilderbeast sleep on the couch. > he ran as fast as his > long gangly legs could carry him. TOM: Julian Bashir IS Steve Prefontaine! > The Wilderbeast pursued > him. MIKE: In the proud tradition of _Tom & Jerry_, it's _Wilderbeast & Julian_! > Over ground that was padded by the constant fall of > leafy debris from the trees above, Julian bolted. Over the > remains of trees felled in raging storms he leaped. Trough > impenetrable sections of wilderness he clambered. CROW: (Julian) Whose woods these are I have no clue. > Up and > through trees TOM: (Julian) Ow! Go THROUGH a tree? What was I thinking? > with branches thicker than a starship's > corridor, with vines thicker than his person, MIKE: That's a horrible thing to say about Alis. > he swung > through the trees CROW: Pursued by Tarzan. > where the branches had failed to > intertwine giving him a path to follow. > > Amongst the tree's he found new dangers. MIKE: Ewok villages. > Snakes and > lizards TOM: (singing) I don't like lizards 'n' snakes And that ain't what it takes ta love me... > that hissed and struck in his direction, jumping > away from one such creature had lead to a tumble to the > ground to fall among the soft carpet of leaves. CROW: Even worse, the carpet lacked any sort of Stainguard protection! > Stunned and > dazed he lay sprawled on the ground, as the Wilderbeast > followed his scent and listened to his passage through the > trees. MIKE: (Julian) Maybe it'll mistake me for a big leaf. TOM: But he wasn't passing through the trees. He was lying on the ground. > Hearing it approach once again - Julian scrambled up, > for a moment, he considered CROW: Dyeing his hair purple, but there'd be time for that later. > climbing a tree to once again > escape the beast high in the tree's where it could > obviously not follow. MIKE: Hey, man, that's species-ism! Don't underestimate the Wilderbeast like that. If it puts its mind to it, a Wilderbeast can do anything it wants. TOM: (singing) I am wilderbeast hear me roar, In numbers too big to ignore... > His plan died an early death, CROW: Sadly, the rest of him didn't. > when he > saw the snake that had contributed to his fall MIKE: If either of you guys makes an Adam and Eve joke, so help me I'll... > winding its > way down a vine, slithering toward him. TOM: (snake) Ssssss... Hi, I'm Quetzalcoatl. I'd like to teach you agriculture and the calendar. Sssssss... > Julian bolted. CROW: He's been doing that a lot lately. > No matter how fast he ran, MIKE: Jack-Ching-Badda-Bing was always faster. > the steps he took to escape > it, it always found him and the hunt would begin anew. TOM: (singing) Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you... > It > was the hunter and he was the hunted. CROW: I thought Fred Dryer was Hunter. > ************************************************** MIKE: Tiny spider invasion. > Alis woke from her bed of leaves with the roar of a > Wilderbeast in the distance in her ears. TOM: If there's one thing wilderbeasts are good at, it's wake-up calls. CROW: Wait, "in the distance in her ears"? Who is she, Ross Perot? > She bolted up, MIKE: Now SHE'S bolting. TOM: It must be some kind of new fad with the young people. > head > cocked, listening carefully, to judge its direction and > distance from her. CROW: (Tonto) Beast go that way, Kimosabe. MIKE: Hey! It's our friend, Indian Companion! What is it? CROW: Someone coming. TOM: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Indian Companion. > The roars faded in the distance and she relaxed, it was > moving away from her, hunting something else. MIKE: Jim Fowler. > She looked around, and saw breakfast, slithering along > a tree branch above her. CROW: That is one crafty Egg McMuffin. > Snatching up her bow she sent a > bolt it's way and smiled when her bolt found her prey > pinning it to the branch to thrash in its death throes. CROW: And another Egg McMuffin dies a senseless death. TOM: (Alis) Heh, that was fun. Now for that patch of raspberries I noticed for breakfast. > Around her branches rustled as small creatures, > slithers and birds departed the area post haste to avoid > joining the slither on the breakfast menu. ALL: (cutesy animal voices) Run away, run away! > Alis spun snatching up a new bolt, loading her bow as > she heard something large moving behind her. She caught a > flash of amber MIKE: Waves of grain! > fur and then fired off the new bolt, and was > rewarded by the squeal and thrashing of animal in its death > throes. CROW: I bet Oliver Queen was her archery instructor. > Reloading her bow, she hung it from the lip TOM: Call me conservative, but I think body piercing has gone too far. > on her belt > and moved around her campsite, collecting twigs and dry > leaves to build a fire. MIKE: Meanwhile, Julian is trying to convince some woodchucks to let him crash at their place for a while. > The Wilderbeast was forgotten, CROW: It hadn't had a hit single since the Seventies. > the > only thing on her mind was enjoying the meal to come and > collecting the skin and hides of the creatures she was > about to consume. TOM: Consume mass quantities! (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are gathered in front of the Hexfield Viewscreen.] MIKE: (to CAMBOT) Oh, hi everybody. We seem to be getting a call on the Hexfield. Let's see who it is. TOM: Five bucks says it's Tony Orlando. CROW: No way. It's gotta be Jean Kirkpatrick. MIKE: You're both wrong. It's definitely Howard Cosell. (The viewscreen opens, and it's ALIS, from the story. MIKE and the BOTS moan with disappointment. ALIS is in the wilderness, looking a bit disheveled and looking at a map.] ALIS: Hello? Hello? Can you read me? MIKE: We read you loud and clear. (to himself) I've always WANTED to say that. ALIS: Oh good. I was wondering if you guys could give me directions to the temple. I seem to have gotten lost, and this map from Triple A is hopeless. CROW: Are you sure we should be helping you? I mean, this is your Life Test and all. Won't the Matriarch take away your kitty litter or something? ALIS: What that old bag doesn't know won't hurt her. So do you know the way to the temple or not? I haven't got all day. TOM: Oh sure, I know how to get to the temple. ALIS: You do? Great! Where is it? TOM: Well, you just follow the trail of Meow Mix to the Scratching Post and hang a sharp left. When you come to the big canyon, just jump right in. Don't worry, you'll land on your feet. Then, go east until you start to gag on the stench of catbox odor. That's when you'll know the First Mother's Temple is nearby. If you see a couch with scratch-marks on it, you've gone too far. (TOM has been chuckling throughout this speech, but ALIS does not look the least bit amused) ALIS: Well, well, well, you're a regular Bob Hope, aren't you? TOM: Actually, I consider myself more of a Buddy Hackett. ALIS: Just keep laughing it up, funnyboy. (menacing) I'm gonna finish this Life Test without your help, and then, someday when you LEAST expect it, I'm gonna find you and make you regret the day you were ASSEMBLED! Consider yourself warned! (The Hexfield Viewscreen closes) TOM: Phew! Talk about a poor sense of humor. She must've just gotten back from a trip to the vet. CROW: She sounded serious, Tom. Aren't you a little worried? TOM: What, me worry? Heck no. MIKE: I assume you have a plan, then. TOM: Of course I do. If that fleabag ever shows up here, we'll just try to give her a bath. Every cat runs away when you try to bathe it. (MIKE and CROW nod in agreement at Tom's plan) CROW: That's so crazy, it just might work. MIKE: You've got to admit, it makes sense. (The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (19/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:23:55 GMT Lines: 521 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > ************************************************** CROW: This story can kiss my asterisks. > Alis moved along a path made by past life test kits, a > largish furred pelt and slither skin hanging from her pack. MIKE: Then she was stopped by the most dangerous predators in the known universe: Greenpeace activists. > Her bow came up and fired as a slither wound down a vine > ahead of her. TOM: (snake) Sssss... stop calling me that! I'm a snake, damnit! A snake! Sssss... > The bolt pierced it scaly skull and it dropped > from the vine to the carpet of leaves below, MIKE: That's the second "carpet of leaves" reference. This forest must have wall-to-wall carpeting. > twitching > faintly then was still. Alis approached it, bow at the > ready, hand going to the hilt of the knife she used to skin > her prey. CROW: Not to mention assassinate Caligula. > Then she came to a dead stop - noticing the > slither had fallen into a depression TOM: So she gave it Prozac. > in the leaves in the > shape of a humanoid, and a largish one. MIKE: Andre the Giant slept here. > She studied the depression, CROW: And decided it really wasn't President Hoover's fault. > and the area around her. TOM: (Alis) Wow, there's the hollow tree! I'm gonna stop for some cookies. > There were Wilderbeast tracks leading away from the site, > and she knew now what the beast was hunting. CROW: (Elmer Fudd) Shhhh! Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Tewwans. Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh... MIKE: Who's Terrence? CROW: (Elmer Fudd) Not Tewwence... Tewwans! Wike Juweean! MIKE: Wipe Julia? I don't get it. CROW: (Elmer, annoyed now) Jeweean! Jeweean Basheew! MIKE: What about Bathsheba? CROW: AAARRGGGHHH!!! > Cautiously she approached the depression and with a > swift move picked up the slither by its tail and slammed its > head, bolt and all into the tree it slithered down from. TOM: Hulk smash puny slither! > Assured of its non living state, TOM: North Dakota. > she retrieved her bolt and > cleaned it with a hand full of leaves before reloading her > bow with it. CROW: (Alis) I need this to shoot Saint Sebastian with. > She skinned the slither, and packed its meat away in > her pack wondering what to do. MIKE: Fry it, roast it or hickory-cure it. > Was it right to continue onto > the temple without tracking the Wilderbeast down to kill it > before it killed another kit on her life test. TOM: Was it right to wear checks with stripes? > Was it wrong to help another pass their test, CROW: Knowing that they would both fail the class if caught. > by > killing the Wilderbeast, MIKE: (Gaston) Kill the beast! TOM: (Belle) No! MIKE: (Gaston) Whoever is not with us is against us! > which would not give up the hunt > until it caught its prey and feasted on her carcass. CROW: Afterwards, it would let the hunt go for a small finders fee. > Would > the First mother withhold her blessing if she did so? Would > she withhold her blessing if she didn't. TOM: Will John and Mary discover Ted's dark secret? MIKE: Will David leave Susan to be with Charles? CROW: And what about Scarecrow's brain? TOM: All this and more, on the next episode of _As the Reader Snores_. > Was not the point of the test - to prove one could > survive without the aide of others - to prove one was no > longer a kit but an adult. MIKE: To prove that the Denorex side tingles. > What if the wilderbeast's prey > was not another kit on her life test, but one of her > mothers' enemies come to hunt her down and kill her to > deprive her mother of an heir and leave ascension to the > Matriarchy open to all comers. CROW: What if the wilderbeast was actually Teddy Roosevelt in disguise? TOM: What if the rest of the story consists entirely of hypothetical questions? MIKE: What do you, the reader at home, think? > Attaching the slithers skin to her pack, she stepped > back to wipe her hands on leaves and sniffed at them. MIKE: (Alis) Me tracks - two, three days old! > Wiping > them over and over again till the slithers scent was gone > and only her scent and the scent of the leaves remained on > her hands. CROW: She picked a fine time to become obsessive-compulsive. > She moved back to the depression and fetched a > double handful of leaves from the depression that had been > left by the person's head. TOM: The person must've been Ingmar Bergman. > Raising the leaves to her face > she inhaled deeply and then came to her feet with a roar of > both joy and rage. MIKE: (Alis) I'm happy as Hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! > The scent on the leaves was Julian's - she had found > her missing lover and he was the wilderbeast's prey. CROW: So which one's of rage and which one's of joy? > Eyes narrowed, she began following the tracks the > Wilderbeast had left behind, stalking it. TOM: (Alis) I hope I can save Julian before Superman does. > Not it was the > hunted, and she was the hunter. > > ************************************************* CROW: Tribbles in a Napoleonic Era army. > Julian ran, staggering along as fast as his weary legs > could carry him. MIKE: (Julian, exhausted) Must... find... Beanie Babies! > Every breath he took was a pained gasp for > air, his lungs and every muscle in his body ached. CROW: It was worse than the time the coach had made him run laps outside in the middle of January. > He was > ready to drop, then he saw her stepping out from a thick > stand of leafy trees. TOM: C.J. Cherryh has arrived to protect the good reputations of the other cat-like alien races! > She was dressed in armoured hunt gear > armed with a high tech cross bow, pulling a bolt from the > quiver strapped to her thigh. MIKE: Why bows? Don't the Felistians have guns? CROW: Yeah, but they don't have Charleton Heston. > She loaded the bow with fast > efficient movements and aimed it at him. TOM: It's J'Alis J'Onzz, the Felistian Manhunter! > Julian didn't recognise her in his panic stricken > state, MIKE: She shouldn't have been wearing those novelty "Groucho" glasses with the fake nose and moustache. > all he wanted to do was scream with terror and > frustration. CROW: He's just now realizing that he can't stop Mission Ops Productions from writing about him. > He could hear the beast behind him, gaining on > him. TOM: Tommy Lee is chasing him? > Without a second thought he changed direction diving > into the foliage to the left disappearing from the trail. MIKE: (Julian) I should get Met. It pays. > Let her face the beast. CROW: The bar-code scanner? > He heard a roar of anger, whether it was the Huntress > or the beast he never knew. TOM: The beast he never knew from the night they never met. MIKE: He also had a tough time telling the Olsen twins apart. > ******************************************************* CROW: Say something funny about those asterisks. TOM: No! Why don't you? CROW: I don't feel like it. TOM: Well, neither do I. MIKE: Oh, I guess *I'LL* do it. Um... those asterisks sure do look like... uh, boy scouts on a nature hike. CROW: That wasn't funny. MIKE: At least I'm TRYING! Sheesh! TOM: C'mon, guys, we've got to stick together here. There's plenty of fanfic still to come. MIKE: You're right. CROW: Yeah, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Hey, I just thought of a good asterisk joke. (clears his throat) It's a Keith Haring mural as seen from a mile away! TOM: Not bad. MIKE: I kinda liked my "boy scouts" joke. I mean, when was the last time you heard a boy scout gag? (BOTS snicker) MIKE: C'mon, guys, you KNOW that's not what I meant. TOM: Sure, Nelson. CROW: Whatever you say. > > > Alis listened to the sound of the beast moving through > the foliage, pursuing Julian. (TOM hums the _Benny Hill_ chase music) > She could hear Julian too and > knew she was close. CROW: Julian's a she? MIKE: I guess the Wilderbeast caught up to him at some point. > Judging the distance between them and > the direction Julian was running in, she scrambled up a tree > and began racing along the branches, hoping against hope she > could reach Julian in time to save him from the Wilderbeast. TOM: (Mighty Mouse) Here I come to save the day... > Ahead of her, she saw the branches fell away, vines > dangling down from branches above her head. Never pausing in > her mad dash, CROW: She fell down when she reached the gap where the branches had fallen away. The lesson is "haste makes waste". > she grabbed a vine as she neared the edge of > the chasm among the arboreal path. CROW: Arboreal? MIKE: It means "of or related to Arbor Drugs". > She lept for the vine to > swing across, her momentum carrying her beyond the chasm's > edges. TOM: Unfortunately, this left Shep, Ursula, and Fella on the other side of the chasm. > She landed - on all fours, and remained where she > was, catching her breath, CROW: And tossing it up in the air again. > ignoring the pounding of her heart MIKE: And the ringing of her telephone. > - to listen intently for the sounds of escape and pursuit > below. CROW: But all she could hear was some jerk blaring "Carry On My Wayward Son" on his car radio. > The sounds were coming from behind her now - not in > front. MIKE: (Alis) D'oh! Now I've gotta go back to where I started! > She spun around, and moved to the edge of the chasm, > looking down. CROW: (singing) Look down, spin around, Edge up to the chasm. Look down, spin around, Edge up to the cliff. > Then she grabbed a vine winding it around her > arm and leg and slid down it to the leafy carpet below, hand > pulling her cross bow from her belt as she did so. (ALL hum James Bond theme) > She let the vine fall away MIKE: It left the church. > before she reached the > ground, landing in a crouch and bolted in the direction she > heard the Wilderbeast roaring from. CROW: Tiger tiger, burning bright, in the forests of the night. > Alis came to a halt in a thick stand of leafy trees, TOM: Which were actually Ents. > catching her breath, and listening carefully, she could hear > him, approaching, breath ragged, his gait uneven and heavy. MIKE: Must have had the five-bean salad for supper. > From the sound of it he was CROW: Drunk. > reaching the limits of his > stamina, ready to drop any time, she sent a prayer to the > goddess that he would not do so, TOM: (falsetto) I'm busy answering Wiccan prayers! > before she had dispatched > the Wilderbeast, MIKE: And its Oompa Loompas. > then she stepped out onto the path as he > approached. CROW: (Alis) John! TOM: (Julian) Marsha! > She almost dropped the bow in shock when she saw him. > Naked as the day he was born, MIKE: Julian Bashir stars in _The Wild Child_. CROW: Hold it! When he left the harem, he was wearing a dress. And now he's NAKED?!? TOM: The authors should at least keep their disturbing mental images straight. > covered in bruises, dirt and > the fast fading claw marks that were too fine MIKE: Oh claw marks, you're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey claw marks! (claps twice) Hey claw marks! > to have been > received from the Wilderbeast and a sure sign that one of > her own had assaulted him. CROW: Yeah, someone had scratched her name in Julian's skin. > She saw red, TOM: Oh my God! It's a self-insertion fic! > growling low in her throat, he'd been cast MIKE: As Christian in a production of _Cyrano de Bergerac_. > into a harem - she was positive of it - and she'd skin the > one who'd done so, CROW: (Alis) I'll make her represent Chicomecoatl! > just as soon as she learned who it was. TOM: She should call Columbo. He could figure it out in fifteen minutes, then spend the rest of the episode screwing with her mind. > Then the Wilderbeast was bursting into view behind > Julian, MIKE: (Wilderbeast) Hey, have you seen the Pryorbeast around here? He's supposed to be starring in a movie with me right now. > and all over thoughts scattered as she raised the > crossbow, CROW: Who, the wilderbeast? TOM: No, Alis. > taking a deep breath, ready to yell at Julian to > hit the dirt or move aside so she could fire without hitting > him. MIKE: (Alis) How can I say "Get outta the way, stupid!" without denting his ego? > Then Julian was diving into the foliage beside the > trail before she could give such a command and she had a > clear field of fire - and fired at the beast. The bolt > skittered along its armour platting. CROW: (Alis) What I wouldn't give for a phaser. > Alis backed up > reloading hastily, firing again. TOM: Geez, Alis uses a bow more than Hawkeye does. > But it was rising up to its full height MIKE: Seven inches. > and rather than > taking the beast in the head, CROW: The beast remained outside the bathroom. (MIKE and TOM groan) > her bolt found its mark > between the armour plate of its hide. The beast roared in > pain and furry, TOM: No, it roared in pain AT a furry. > grabbing at the bolt ripping it out, and > throwing it aside, then it was charging for her. MIKE: Using her Visa card. > *Damn* She thought, CROW: (Alis) I finally meet a man who wants to shop for me, and I have to kill him. > then spun on her heel and ran for > all she was worth, TOM: Eleven dollars and seventy-two cents. > heading back the way she had come. MIKE: And slipping. > Then it occurred to her, that in a way it was a > blessing. CROW: In time, she could learn to love the wilderbeast. > Now it was after her, not Julian. If she kept to > the ground, instead of taking to the refuge of the tree's > above, TOM: The wilderbeast would eventually get bored and go home. > she could lead it away and give Julian the chance to > recover his strength in relative safety. With that thought > in mind, she slowed her pace, MIKE: And the beast ate her. I suppose that's another blessing. > just enough to stay ahead of > the enraged beast and lure it away from her exhausted > consort. CROW: And toward New Kasuto. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (20/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:25:14 GMT Lines: 614 -------- [SOL Bridge. TOM is behind the counter, reading a magazine. We can see the cover, which has the word "Tomcat" along the top and a picture of a nude Felistian woman in a suggestive pose. MIKE enters.] MIKE: Hey Tom, whatcha doin'? TOM: Reading the first issue of "Tomcat". It's a magazine for the sophisticated Felistian gentleman. (MIKE looks at the cover of the magazine) MIKE: The Felistian version of "Playboy"? TOM: More or less. (MIKE grabs the magazine out of TOM's hands. TOM looks annoyed.) MIKE: I can't let you read this. What would your father think? TOM: My father is never coming back. Besides, there's a lot more in that magazine than just pictures of naked Felistians. Pictures, I might add, that corrupt my young mind no more than that "hang in there, baby" poster in your room. (MIKE looks at the magazine) MIKE: Wow, you were actually reading one of the articles. TOM: Of course I was. Frankly, Mike, I think you're the one with your mind in the gutter. You can't concieve of someone buying a "Playboy" for the whole magazine and not just the pictures. MIKE: (reading) The Egyptians: Smartest Humans Ever? (MIKE leafs through the magazine) MIKE: (reading) The Man-Kzin Bores? TOM: That's a satirical short story. (MIKE continues leafing through the magazine) MIKE: Say, is that Meowilyn Monroe? TOM: Yeah. She posed nude before she was a celebrity and the publisher of "Tomcat" managed to obtain the rights to publish the picture. (MIKE finishes leafing through the magazine) MIKE: Well, I guess it can't hurt for you to read this. Just don't let Gypsy see it. She'd have a fit. TOM: Sure thing. (MIKE lays the magazine on the counter. After a beat, CROW enters.) CROW: (whiny) Mike, I can't take any more of that story! MIKE: Come on, Crow, it's actually getting better. Part Six hasn't been nearly as bad as the first five were. CROW: It's not that, it's that I can't stand the story's blatant humanism. It's really getting to me. TOM: He's right, Mike. It's getting really hard to ignore. MIKE: Blatant humanism? What are you talking about? CROW: Oh, you know. Humans are great! TOM: They're the glue that holds the Federation together! CROW: Human crossbreeds are the keenest thing! TOM: It takes a human to convince a Felistian that her culture is irredeemably evil! MIKE: Okay, okay! I get it! CROW: You know, it'd be nice to sometime read a story where everyone wanted to avoid humans like they were vermin. TOM: Now, now, Crow. Most alien races haven't had the, ahem, pleasure of living with humans, like we have. MIKE: Hey! TOM: Those aliens think that humans are all sweetness and light. They haven't seen the bad things. CROW: Oh, like Mike's toenails? MIKE: What's wrong with my toenails? TOM: Yep. Or the little noises that Mike makes when he's reading. CROW: That little "phree" noise? MIKE: What? TOM: Yeah, that one. Or how Mike licks his bowl of soup when it's nearly empty. CROW: Or the way he puts the milk carton back in the fridge with only a drop of milk in it? TOM: Putting it back in the fridge? When does he do that? MIKE: I do too put the milk back! CROW: Good point, Tom. And don't even get me started on how he leaves the bathroom... TOM: Whew! Don't remind me! MIKE: Fellas, I'm standing right here! CROW: Tom! I've had a brainstorm! Why don't we use Mike as a poster boy for an education campaign about the faults of humanity? TOM: That's it! With Mike's example, we can keep the foolish aliens from worshipping at humanity's altar! We can tell them how humanity preys on others! We can tell them how humanity acts only in its own interests! We can tell them... MIKE: ...how humans use a screwdriver to disassemble robots when they're getting on humans' nerves? TOM: Yeah, that too. (pause) Come to think of it, Crow, humans are pretty keen. CROW: (monotone) Yes. Yes they are. MIKE: I'm glad you see it my way. (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) MIKE: Look, fanfic sign! Great, huh? TOM: Great. [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] CROW: (quietly) Humans can be really vindictive, too. (MIKE holds a screwdriver at head level and gently waves it) CROW: My mistake. > ************************************************ TOM: (singing) When I want movies, I want to see Starz! > Julian fell to his knees MIKE: (Julian) Now I lay me down to sleep... > holding his breath even though > his lungs were burning. CROW: He's ON FIRE! > When his ears told him the beast was > no longer on his trail, TOM: His nose strongly disagreed. > he began sucking in ear MIKE: He took a deep breath and an ear was sucked into his mouth. CROW: (Mark Antony) Hey, give that back! I have to return it to the guy who lent it to me! > and dropped > to the trail curling up, falling into an exhausted sleep > within minutes. TOM: (Julian) Duh, I wonder if another predator will come by and eat me. > He didn't wake when the heavens opened and MIKE: The Second Coming finally occured. > drenched the > area his sleep was so deep not even the torrential storm > battering the wilderness could drag him from it. CROW: He's doing a Rip Van Winkle. > > ******************************************** TOM: Y'know, at night the stars put on a show for free...but it got a lukewarm review in the New Yorker. > Alis lead the Wilderbeast a merry chase while she had > the strength to, MIKE: And ended up in Knothole Village. > then as the storm struck, she clambered up > a tree and took shelter among the wide branches to wait out > the storm. CROW: While she was up there, she wrote three novels and a memory play. MIKE: Yep, up a tall tree is always the safest place to be during a storm. > Below the Wilderbeast roared and raged slashing > at the tree with its claws TOM: Pretending it was Wolverine. > trying to bring it and it's prey > down, but the tree had existed centuries before the > creature's arrival and would more than likely be around long > after. MIKE: It had tenure. > Finally the beast gave up and shuffled off CROW: To Buffalo. > back > tracking seeking the other prey it knew to be wandering > through its realm. > > ********************************************** TOM: Like these little bugs here. > > Rain, thunder and lightning battered the wilderness MIKE: It appears that Mission Ops hired Zeus to do the special effects. > and > all creatures CROW: Great and small. > in it. Julian could hear the roar of the > Wilderbeast once more on his trail and ran. TOM: (singing) If you like pina coladas, and being chased in the rain... MIKE: I get the feeling that Julian is from Iran. (BOTS groan) > The ground was > slick under his feet. CROW: (Julian) Who's been mopping the floor? > He kept sliding and falling in the > slush. Bruises, grazes, scrapes and mud covered him from > head to toe. TOM: But he refused to let the game be called on account of rain. > He could hear swift running water, creating a thunder > of its own. MIKE: He was in a Brita water filter commercial. > A roar of triumph and rustling of foliage that > warned him of the hunt beast's approach spurred him onward > and he burst through the forested area to find himself > trapped. CROW: With a wife, two kids, and a mortgage. > He barely managed to stop himself at the edge of > the ravine he suddenly found himself on. TOM: Julian's found one of the plot holes. > He looked down to > see a flood swollen river far below. Debris and trees were > being pushed along by the force of the current. > > ************************************************ MIKE: There they go. > Alis ran along the arboreal pathways returning to the > point where Julian had dived into the foliage, there to seek > his path and to find the Wilderbeast had the same general > idea. CROW: (Alis) Copybeast! > But the first mother had other plans, the trail > disappeared before long, ALL: SHAZAM! > washed away by the torrential rains > and the cacophony of the storm drowned out all other sounds. TOM: Except for that damned car alarm. > After three hours of fruitless searching, Alis returned > to the tree's to eat cold slither meat, and rest. MIKE: Julian's almost as elusive as Robert Denby. > She sent a prayer up to the first mother, entreating > her to watch over Julian, CROW: (falsetto) Leave me alone! > and then put him out of her mind. > She could not save him, TOM: She could not convince him to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. > if she could not find him, so she > would continue her life test and strike for the temple. MIKE: (Alis) Union! Union! > Alis moved carefully, silently, among the branches, > listening carefully, CROW: And silently. > trying to pick out the sound of the > river above the storms deafening uproar, and then - she > heard it, in the distance, to the East. TOM: The soundtrack to _Mulan_. > She sacrificed care > for speed and raced along the branches. MIKE: Being in a hurry is no excuse for shoddy workmanship. > She heard the roar of the river, surrounding her, CROW: Then realized that it was really the roar of a pack of Wilderbeasts. > and > then stopped to crouch among the branches. Looking she saw > the river below, swollen and a swirl with debris of every > kind, flora and fauna both. TOM: (Alis) Very interesting... but schtupid! CROW: Hey, I think an object that fits both classifications cannot be stupid. TOM: Dr. Quackenbush. CROW: That's not fair. > Alis resumed her path through the tree's with more > care, and only when the roar of the river was far behind > her, did she slip down a vine to set foot on land again. MIKE: (land) Ow! Get offa me! > From there she returned to the river side, where she would TOM: (singing) Lay down her sword and shield. ALL: (singing) Down by the river side... > wait for the sign that would tell her where to find the > Goddesses temple. CROW: Unfortunately, the only sign she got was "No Parking between 9 AM and 6 PM", which wasn't much help. > When her belly rumbled she searched the trees and > hollows until she spotted a slither hiding in the branches, > sheltering from the storm's fury. Alis unhitched her bow > reloading and aiming, then the Goddess answered her earlier > prayer. MIKE: Alis finally got that pony she'd been asking for. > She heard the roar of the Wilderbeast, loud enough to > be in bow's reach, TOM: Mike, the way Felistians name their towns is really wierd. > behind her. She spun around, CROW: You'd think all that spinning around would make her dizzy. > then moved > through the foliage to come to very edge of the bank and saw > Julian, covered in mud, leaves and twigs. MIKE: He'd just gotten back from Woodstock. > Fur rising in horror, TOM: (Alis) Damn static cling! > Alis saw the bank under him CROW: Was closed because today was a federal holiday. > begin to crumble and fall away as a log carried by the > rushing waters slammed into it. TOM: So a log hits the edge of a canyon river, causing a shock wave to head UP the canyon wall and cause a mud slide right where Julian happens to be. Makes sense. > She saw the Wilderbeast burst through the trees and > raised her bow, MIKE: (Alis) I know what you're thinking, Wilderbeast. Did she fire six bolts or only five? Frankly, in all the confusion, I kinda lost track myself. But you gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, PUNK? > crying out to Julian to head for the safety > of the trees. CROW: (Alis) No! Not the trees floating down the river! > ********************************************* MIKE: This is what Hands Across America looked like to pigeons. > Lightning lit up the area as Julian looked up and then > he saw Her, The Huntress, TOM: AKA Helena Wayne. CROW: Nonono, Helena Bertinelli. TOM: Since when? CROW: Since DC retconned Earth-2 out of existence! Where have you been?!? TOM: So she's not the daughter of Bruce and Selina? MIKE: Save it for the "Wizard" forum, okay guys? > she was on the opposite bank, her > bow loaded and ready to fire. MIKE: She was willing to fire anyone who was doing substandard work. > She took aim at him CROW: (Julian) All right, what did I do this time? TOM: (Alis) Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you. > as the > wilderbeast burst into view scattering branches and leaves > in every direction. MIKE: The Wilderbeast is such a slob. > He spun to face it. CROW: (singing) OW! So beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it... > Its roar was drowned > out by a deafening thunder clap as the Huntress shouted a > command. TOM: (singing) When the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes... > He failed to hear the warning crack of the ravines' > edges. MIKE: Well, we always knew Julian was teetering on the edge. > The first he knew of it was when it crumbled under > him falling away under his feet. CROW: Nature is so flimsy and cheap. God must've really cut corners. > He was falling TOM: (Bugs Bunny) Here we go again! > toward the river. MIKE: Fortunately, the Hindus broke his fall. > ************************** TOM: Shadow fighters are approaching on an attack vector. > > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART SIX > ****************************************** MIKE: Hey! That was the first chapter not to mention sex in any way, shape, or form! CROW: Yeah! > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that > runs concurrently with "The Hunted". > > ________________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > Reprinting this story in whole or in part is denied > without the permission of Mission Ops Productions > first - except in cases of review. > > Send your comments to: 'henryc@zip.com.au' > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are gathered behind the counter. They pace back and forth aimlessly, stare at the floor and mutter to themselves. After a few seconds of this, TOM perks up.] TOM: Hey, guys! I've got an idea! I know how we can get out reading the rest of _Stolen Memories_. MIKE and CROW: (perfect unison) An idea, Tom? TOM: Yeah! All we have to do is... CROW: ...Is WHAT? WHAT? MIKE: Tell us! Please tell us! For God's sake, why won't you tell us? TOM: All we have to do is... No, wait that wouldn't work. We'd never find that much corn syrup. Plus it violates every known law of physics. Damn those laws of physics! (MIKE and CROW groan) MIKE: Well, guess it's back to pacing and muttering. (The purple light flashes and GYPSY enters) GYPSY: We have a signal coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen. CROW: Maybe THIS will be our ticket out of _Stolen Memories_. TOM: Oh, if I could cross my fingers, I would! (MIKE and the BOTS turn around to face the Hexfield Viewscreen. It opens to reveal a slightly anthropomorphized wilderbeast wearing a dress shirt, a necktie, and horn-rimmed glasses.) ALL: Zoinks! (They jump back in alarm. The wilderbeast addresses them in a calm, businesslike manner.) WILDERBEAST: Please, do not be alarmed. My name is Donald C. Swerdlow, and I represent the Wilderbeast Anti-Defamation League, or WADL for short. MIKE: (nervous) Uh... what do you want from us, Mr. Swerdlow? WILDERBEAST: I merely want to combat what we at WADL feel is a stereotyped and unfair depiction of our species in the fanfic _Stolen Memories_. The story portrays wilderbeasts as savage, brutal, violent creatures who spend their time striking fear into the hearts of anyone unfortunate enough to cross their paths. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Most wilderbeasts are vegetarians who enjoy crossword puzzles, long walks on the beach, and listening to light jazz. Today, most of us have long since abandoned the wilderness and currently reside in the suburbs, working in the exciting field of computer repair. CROW: But what about the wilderbeast in the story, huh? He didn't act like that at all! WILDERBEAST: I happen to know that wilderbeast. His name is Gary, and he has a drinking problem. We've tried to confront him about his problem, but he just won't listen to reason. No, he prefers to spend his time running around nude in the woods and hunting human prey. While we at WADL do not fully support Gary's lifestyle, we must respect his freedom to choose. I hope that answers your question. CROW: It does... I guess. WILDERBEAST: Good. Well, I really must be going now. I'm addressing the UN in half an hour. ALL: Goodbye, Mr. Swerdlow. (The hexfield viewscreen closes. MIKE and the BOTS turn around to face forward.) TOM: He seemed nice, I suppose. I mean, for a wilderbeast. MIKE: Still, it was kinda disappointing. I think wilderbeasts were more interesting when they were savage and brutal. CROW: Yeah, it's like finding out that the Hell's Angels are really into decoupage and macrame. I've sorta lost all my respct for wilderbeasts now that I know they're basically Alan Alda with fur and sharp teeth. TOM: (philosophically) Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo. (The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it) [Planet Bumper] > Slithers - reptilian creatures which may or may not have > possessed appendages for walking and crawling and mainly > slithered along the ground, vines and branches found in the > area, or in the water of the river - waiting for the unwary > or foolish to come within striking distance to strike and > bite bringing sickness then death. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (21/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:25:30 GMT Lines: 640 -------- [SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their usual seats.] > Article 265 of 418 > > Subject: 1st Post - Stolen Memories - 7/9 (pre-DS9) CROW: Hey, Seven of Nine! Maybe this part will have Jeri Ryan in a tight outfit and hitting things with a golf club! MIKE: I wouldn't count on it. > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/10 > Message-Id: <5b4u2q$6iq@the-fly.zip.com.au> > Organization: The Zipsters > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > WARNING -NC-17- FICTION: This story contains sex scenes. > If reading about teen sex offends read no further. > If not read on and enjoy. > > The Ed, Red. CROW: Skelton? TOM: Buttons? MIKE: Green? CROW: Chief? TOM: Skull? MIKE: Square? > =============================================================== > > > > Stolen Memories: > Part Seven TOM: We interupt this fanfic to bring you a decent movie. > Julian's eyes fluttered open to reveal branches > covered in river scum surrounding him like a cage. MIKE: That's strange. When my eyes flutter open, they usually reveal a pupil, an iris, and part of the eyeball. CROW: This must be more Star Trek biology. > The > pain in his side and back told him off TOM: (pain) You're a moron, Julian. You can't do a single thing right. > other branches under > and around him which were digging into his skin. CROW: (branches) We be digging for buried treasure, maties. Arr. > When he > attempted to move, MIKE: He couldn't get anyone to help him pack. > waves of agony swept over him. TOM: (Julian) Doctor, it hurts when I move this. CROW: (doctor) Well, then don't move that. > A > strangled moan escaped from his dry and cracked lips. MIKE: He needs some Chap-Stik. > A > moan that attracted company. TOM: Donna Summer fans, mostly. > Julian became aware of this company when a shadow > fell over him. CROW: (Julian, muffled) Ow! Get this shadow off of me! > He glanced upward to see her, MIKE: Janet Reno. > The Huntress. MIKE: Exactly. > She was approaching him with her bow in her hand loaded and > looked to him, to be ready to fire. Terror filled him, as > he watched her approach, CROW: (Jerry Lewis) Please don't hurt me, nice lady person. > desperation made him hold his > breath and pray she hadn't heard him, and would not see him > among the branches. MIKE: Or discover the stack of _Penthouse_ magazines hidden under his bed. > His prayers went unanswered, TOM: Despite the letter-writing campaign, _Manimal_ was canceled. > as a stiff breeze rustled > the branches, she looked directly at him, then raised her > bow, stalking ever closer. CROW: (Carrie Fisher) This is for standing me up at the altar. MIKE: (Jim Belushi) Forgive me! There was traffic! And an earthquake... > Julian's eyes fluttered closed, > as she took aim and fired. TOM: (Julian) Boy, you think you know a woman... > He heard the bolt she fired whistling through the air, > felt the vibration of it finding it's target and heard > something more. CROW: A raw, edgy sound - one that would shake the music world out of it's slumber. > It was the he nauseating sound of the bolt > piercing flesh. MIKE: Someone must be getting their ears pierced. > He waited for the pain for what seemed an > eternity, but in reality was less than a minute, before > he realised, the vibrations were continuous and above him. TOM: Julian wouldn't be a good _Jeopardy_ contestant, would he? CROW: No, but with his knack for being out of touch with what's really happening, he'd make a perfect Congressman. > He opened his eyes, twisting his head around to look > up and see a ginormous snake MIKE: I could use a glass of ginormous about now. > in its death throes. It's neck > just below the head TOM: Where the neck is located in most beings. Except Linebackers. > pinned to the branch no more than 20 > centimetres away. CROW: (snake, dying) Ssssss... just wait til my uncle, the anaconda, hears about this. Then you'll be sorry. Ssssss... > Then she was there, a knife in hand, to separate the > snake's head from its body in one swift merciful stroke. MIKE: She's Alis Kevorkian. > The thrashing of its body ended. TOM: It started listening to country and western instead of speed metal. > She wiped her knife on > her trousers CROW: Let's see Tide get THAT stain out! > before slipping it away in a sheath in her > boot. TOM: Isn't "sheath" the word used for "condom" in this story? Remember, waaaaaaaayyyyyyy back in Part Two? MIKE: Frankly, no. My memory of that has been stolen. > While Julian watched her, she ripped the bolt from > the tree to drive it into the dirt at her feet, cleaning > it. CROW: (Alis) This dirt is a mess! > He felt the terror fade, to be replaced by utter > confusion as she reloading her bow only to clip it to her > belt. TOM: (Julian) I just read the previous sentence! I'm so confused! > She looked down at him, looking back at her. MIKE: They soon realized that the chemistry they once had was long gone. > Then > began to do her level best to break the branches that caged > him, without jostling him which only added to the pain that > made his body throb and burn. TOM: Hey, if Alis is younger than Julian, she's Jostlin' Elders. (MIKE and CROW groan) > Julian heard her soft soothing voice, telling him > that she would have him out of the cage and begin tending > his wounds soon. MIKE: (Alis) Oh, and by the way, I'm dating Tigger. > She began recounting the hunt through the > forest, the baiting of the wilderbeast, CROW: Alis and the wilderbeast star in Victor Hugo's _Les Miserables_. > she told him of its > death and her efforts to find him after he had fallen into > the river to be swept away in the flood swollen waters. TOM: (Julian) Wow. We've been separated so long that I forgot what a bore you are. > Through it all he heard her use his name, over and over > again, and it was not just his birth name that she spoke, > but the pet name Alis had referred to him by. MIKE: Snowball? TOM: Pooky? CROW: Muffin? > When he > realised it was his princessa and lover come to save him, TOM: (Julian, falsetto) My hero! > he burst into tears of joy and darkness descended to > drive away the pain, and all thought as he passed out. MIKE: He should list "fainting" as a special skill on his resume. > ************************************* CROW: (singing) Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... > Alis saw Julian pass out and with a pent up breath of > fear, that she'd arrived too late, leaned in to lay a hand > over his heart, seeking for and finding his heart beating, > with a rapid rhythm. TOM: It was the drummer for Slayer. > She sent a prayer of thanks in the > Goddess direction. MIKE: (bored) Hey guys, God's a woman in this story. Isn't that original? CROW: I bet She makes everything smell like potpourri. Chicks seem to love that stuff. > Relieved to have found him in time, she > thanked the Goddess again, now that he had lost > consciousness, TOM: (Alis) I don't have to listen to him stutter. > she could get him out of the cage, MIKE: (Alis) We're gonna bust out. You in? > without > having to worry about the pain that would torment him with > every move she made toward that goal. CROW: (Alis) I hope he dies. That way, I can carry him and he won't feel any pain. > > It was the work of an hour to break Julian free of > the entrapment he lay within and another hour's work to > find branches and vines to build a litter to transfer him > to. TOM: Of course, she had to take a coffee break every ten minutes, as specified by union rules. > Alis searched the area finding dry leaves and twigs > in abundance in protected hollows in the trees, MIKE: Whoever hollowed out those trees is NOT going to be happy when he finds out that someone stole his stash. > and there > too she found birds CROW: Ah, this is the chapter Alfred Hitchcock wrote. TOM: Actually, it was Alfred's ne'er-do-well brother, Skippy Hitchcock. > and furred creatures a plenty. MIKE: Beggorah! She found a plenty of stuff! > Not > normally one to kill more than she could eat, CROW: This time, she decided to really pig out. > her first > instinct was to let them be. TOM: Hmmm... Mother Mary must've come to her in times of trouble. > The slither she had killed > would supply meat for many days. MIKE: Thanks to the groceries that the slither had been carrying home. > Then she thought of > Julian lying injured nearby and how he would need both > food, and coverings. CROW: That gave her a good laugh. > With his welfare in mind she killed > every creature she encountered which could supply fur or > feathers to make a blanket of fur and a soft pillow for > his head. MIKE: (Alis) I destroyed the ecosystem. But I did it for you, Julian. CROW: For some reason, she killed a lot of porcupines. TOM: By the way, porcupines are called "prickers" on this planet. > The meat she alternately smoked over a bed of > leaves, MIKE: Those Felistian kids think smoking meat is so cool. CROW: I blame that cartoon camel. > left to dry in strips in the sun, or baked in a > roasting pit lined with leaves and stones she scavenged > from around the debris strewn river side. TOM: I always thought cats were lazier than this. > When she next examined Julian it was to find him > still without consciousness, and it appeared to her that he > would remain that way for some time to come. MIKE: The most lifeless character since Bernie in _Weekend at Bernie's_. TOM: Or Al Gore in _The Clinton Administration_. > Rather than > waste time sitting with him, CROW: She sat at the table where all the "cool kids" ate lunch. > when she could be doing better > things she, she left his side once again, MIKE: Whoops, the fanfic is skipping. > to collect enough > fire fuel to build a ring of fire that would burn for an > hour or more. TOM: (singing) Ah fell into a burnin' ring of fire... > Once the best protection she could provided for Julian > had been arranged she left him to scout for fruits that she > knew he enjoyed eating. MIKE: Julian loves fruit all right, especially melons. > As she searched, she kept an eye > out for the plants she knew she could make a drinking gourd > from. > > ******************************* TOM: Damn dust bunnies. > When Julian came once more to his senses it was to > the soothing sensation of warm water flowing over his body, > followed by the gentle touch of a soft cloth on his skin. CROW: He's waking up in a Neutrogena commercial! > He opened his eyes to find Alis cleaning him down, MIKE: Once a maid, always a maid. > a gourd > for a bowl, with water smelling of disinfectants, that > steamed with heat. TOM: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. > Alis bade him to stay still while she cleaned his > body and bound his wounds, with the supplies meant for own > use. During the course of her work, she took the time to > give him water and soft fruit pulp that she had mashed up > in another gourd bowl. CROW: I guess the supermarket was out of Gerber's. > He fell into a deep sleep with a smile on his face. MIKE: He's having that dream about Leonardo DiCaprio again. > He did not see how worried Alis was, she hid her concern > from him. TOM: She also hid the cookie jar from him. > When Julian awoke it was to see her sewing together > fur pelts together with a needle carved out of a strong > twig. CROW: I have this horrible feeling she's gonna build a hang glider. > He watched her silently, till she looked at him, MIKE: (Alis) I can't concentrate with you staring at me like that. > setting aside her sewing to bring him water and food again, > within half an hour he was sleeping again. TOM: Taking care of Julian is part of Alis' "Preparing for Motherhood" class. > This was the way of things for the next three days, > whenever Julian woke, he would find Alis working, either > sewing pelts, skinning animals and snakes, preparing hide > or meat. CROW: But did he get off his lazy butt? Nooooooo... > On the fourth day, Julian woke and instantly he > realised something was different. MIKE: The sun, moon, and stars had been created. > He looked around to see > the litter he had rested on now being used by Alis to sleep > on. TOM: Give a hoot, don't pollute! > Looking down, he saw that he was resting on a litter > made of strong branches and hide which had been laced into > place around the branches. CROW: (Julian) Someone's been to Pier One Imports! > Soft furs had been stitched > together to create a sleeping bag, and under his head, he > discovered a soft fur pillow stuffed with feathers. MIKE: She killed Tweety and Sylvester to make Julian a pillow. > When he turned his attention to the base of his > litter he found a large number of snake hide sacks. TOM: Sacks for snakes to hide in? Why would Alis make those? > With > much grimacing and hissing between his teeth, CROW: Julian impersonated Harvey Fierstein. > he sat up to > explore the contents of the sacks. MIKE: (Julian) Cool! She bought me some gummi bears! > He found fruit, that was > not yet ripe, gourds and little snack skin sacks that > contained bone and wood needles and thin strips of hide > thong, TOM: Ah, his wardrobe has arrived. > what looked and smelled like bird meat wrapped in > layers of leaves bound with thong, and fillets of meat > bound the same way. CROW: I like my wilderbeast medium well, thanks. > The last sack that he opened he found to contain > rough and ready clothing made from snake skin, fur and > hide. MIKE: The new fall fashions from Conan Klein. > He pulled it out to examine and found a tunic made > of fur - inside and out. TOM: And somewhere, Barney Rubble is walking around nude. > There was also a breech clout > made of soft hide and snake skin with thongs like ribbons. CROW: The things you'll find at Sharper Image! > Assuming the clothes were meant for his use, Julian > dressed himself in the tunic and breech clout and MIKE: Looked like John the Baptist. > puzzled > over the snake skins. TOM: (Julian) Duh... snakes shed? > There were four of them, CROW: John, Paul, George, and Ringo. > two with the > ribbon like thong on either end, MIKE: Let's say the word "thong" a few more times. Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong, thong, thong. There, is it out of our system now? > two more that were open on > only one end, and had long thongs attached to the open end. TOM: They were for Long Thong Silver. > Were they meant for future storage of food and supplies he > wondered. CROW: I'd never eat food that came out of someone's thong. > He returned them to the sack, and tried standing. > His legs threatened to fall under him, so he sat, gathering > his strength for some minutes. MIKE: You can recover 1 hit point by resting for 30 minutes. TOM: Mike, don't turn this story into a roleplaying game. It's boring enough as it is. > When he tried to stand again, CROW: He found he'd been tied to his high chair. > he almost fell before > going to his hands and knees and, as quietly as was > possible for him, MIKE: Which was pretty darned loud, actually... > crawled away to answer the call of nature > and bathe in the river. TOM: At the same time? YUCK! (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are behind the counter. From offscreen, we hear a variety of bizarre and disturbing sound effects. It sounds like a man is being tortured in a variety of devious ways.] TOM: (noticing CAMBOT) Oh, hi there! As you may notice, our fearless leader is not present at the moment. CROW: That's right, Tom. You see, we decided to give Mike a life test to determine whether he's fit to be the commander of the SOL. Right now, he's making his way through a series of rigorous - some would say "inhumane" - obstacles we've set up throughout the satellite. GYPSY: What Mike doesn't know is that the test is really just a formality and that he'll be commander whether he passes or not. CROW: And what Mike doesn't know won't hurt him! (MIKE lets out a bloodcurdling scream. The BOTS tremble.) TOM: That's about the ONLY thing that isn't hurting him right now! (TOM and CROW share a laugh, but GYPSY only shakes her head. At that moment, MIKE enters, looking like he's been through hell. He has bruises on his face, and his jumpsuit is ripped and charred. He nearly collapses as he reaches the counter.) MIKE: (exhausted) I'm... finished... with... the... test. GYPSY: (relieved) Oh, Mike! You're alive! I was SO worried! MIKE: I'm... just... glad... it's... over. CROW: Not so fast, Mike. TOM: Yeah, Mike! There's ONE more obstacle to overcome. MIKE: What is it? CROW: You must do... TOM and CROW: (ominously) The TV GUIDE crossword puzzle!!! MIKE: Crossword puzzle...? TOM: You'll find a copy of TV GUIDE under the counter here. (MIKE reaches behind the counter and pulls out a copy of TV GUIDE with Drew Carey and Mimi on the cover) CROW: Just flip to the back. TOM: It's on the very last page, right after the horoscopes. (MIKE wearily flips to the back and examines the puzzle) MIKE: (reading aloud) One across. "He played Mel on _Alice_, seven letters." Uhhhh... that's, uhhhh... (MIKE finally passes out from exhaustion and slumps over the counter) TOM: What a wuss. CROW: Couldn't even handle a simple crossword puzzle! Good thing this wasn't a REAL life test. TOM: C'mon. Let's go play Hungry, Hungry Hippos. CROW: Now THERE'S a test of skill and endurance! (TOM and CROW exit, feeling secure in their superiority. The yellow light flashes.) GYPSY: (to MIKE) For what it's worth, the answer was TAYBACK. (MIKE groans) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (22/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:33 GMT Lines: 560 -------- [SOL Theater. TOM and CROW enter and take their seats.] > ********************************* BOTS: (singing) Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh... > > When Alis awoke she was overjoyed to find him > sitting up on the litter, clean and dressed in the clothes > she had made for him. CROW: (Alis) I can't STAND the sight of his naked body! > She ruslted through the last sack and > produced the snake skin Julian had puzzled over and made > him remove the tunic before pulling the pair with thongs on > both ends up his arms, tying them in place over his > shoulder and wrists. TOM: Oh, an Insty-Straitjacket! > She informed him they were for > protecting his arm from insects and branches along the > way. CROW: Not having the heart to tell him he was going to Bellevue for "observation". > The other snake skins were produced and these she > pulled up his legs. TOM: Pretty soon, he'll be some very attractive luggage. (MIKE stumbles in and collapses in his seat) CROW: Where've you been? MIKE: Thirteen down was a real killer. > Julian was delighted to discover the > skins had been stretched to fit his legs from toe to thigh > like a second skin. MIKE: (Alis) That's why I like you. I can give you socks for Christmas, and you'll actually get excited about them. > Alis bound the skins in place with the > long thongs by wrapping them around his waist, and then dug CROW: Rock 'n' roll music. > around in the sack to produce a pair of fur and hide > moccasins to place on his feet. MIKE: (Julian) Mom, I can dress myself for school. I'm not a baby. > She returned the tunic, TOM: (Alis) It's one size too small. > and Julian tugged it on, and > she handed him the stick she had carved out for him to use > as an aide to balance. CROW: (Julian) Can this thing turn water into blood? > When Julian tottered to the > riverside the aide of the stick, MIKE: Julian Bashir, aide to Stick Stickley. > he was delighted to see > in his reflection that combining the tunic with the snake > skin had covered him completely from the neck down. TOM: Unfortunately, his face was still visible. > Only > his hands and head were unprotected now. CROW: Neither of them realized that poisonous creatures only bite heads and hands. TOM: Sad, really. > When he returned to the litter, MIKE: (Julian) Whew! Alis, you need to get some Johnny Cat in here. > he found Alis had > collected a large amount of wood, leaves and rocks that > she used to encircle the two litters. CROW: She used to collect action figures, but found that the secondary market took all the fun out of it. > In the centre of this > circle she piled more branches and leaves, then she > departed, only to return dragging bundles of branches and > twigs behind her, again and again. TOM: The only cat in the world that builds a nest. > He fell asleep, and woke to find two holes in the > ground, MIKE: (Julian) Now, which one of these is my ass? > one lined with rocks and leaves contained Alis' > litter, CROW: Of kittens. > the other contained rocks, branches and leaves > which during the course of the day soon over flowed from > it. TOM: I think I'm going to imagine that I'm reading _Treasure Island_ right now. Anyone care to join me? > Every time he asked her what she was doing, she would > ignore him, and tell him to hush and rest, to busy to take > the time to explain, and he was still too weak to follow > her around. MIKE: Now she's less his girlfriend than she is his babysitter. > By the third day, the hole her litter was in had been > extended to the size of a small hut, lined with rocks, with > a stone and mud fire place and chimney in the making. CROW: Oh goody! Now Santa can visit them! > Rocks > were piled up near the hut to be, TOM: Wow, where'd she find all those Alcatrazes? > and Alis returned to the > camp dragging the skin of the snake she'd killed to save > Julian, it was bulging with mud that she used to finish > building the chimney. MIKE: Alis joins Habitat for Humanity. > Julian dragged his litter over to the huts > foundations and assisted her by passing down rocks. CROW: Which, by the way, was the best Aerosmith album ever. > He came > to the conclusion that she was constructing a little home > for them, TOM: When Julian told Alis he wanted her to be a homemaker, she took him literally. > a home where no one would find them and he'd be > safe. MIKE: Mud roof, rock walls. State of the Art security here. CROW: It should be sufficient protection against the Big Bad Wolf, though. > By the end of the week, the fire place was complete > and Julian was put to work, scouting around to find more > large stones for the hut. TOM: I have trouble picturing Julian as a guy with large stones, if you know what I mean. > Leaving Julian to his work, Alis MIKE: Had an affair with the milkman. CROW: What's a milkman? > disappeared into the wilderness again, TOM: Courtesy of The Amazing Rando! > returning at first > with a cluster of long thick straight branches that she > instructed Julian to carve tips on when he was tired out > from hauling rocks. He assumed they would become spears. CROW: They would become Ruby-Spears. > When she disappeared and returned time and again with more > of the long thick branches he soon worked out there was > another reason, but didn't have the slightest idea what > that could be. TOM: They're a homemade Lincoln Log set. > Eventually, Alis stopped bringing the branches, and > returned with thin reedy branches and twigs, MIKE: Instead of bringing branches, she's bringing... different branches. What a plot twist. > and then > carried off the snake skin to return with it bulging with > big thick leaves which she dumped by the hut to be. CROW: Apparently, the snakes on Felistia are made from burlap. > That night, Julian's litter and the food supplies > were transferred to the hut, but Julian slept in it alone. TOM: So Kafkaesque. Yet so ridiculous. > He awoke in the morning to find the collection of > twigs had grown ten fold, CROW: OH MY GOD, WE'RE BEING INVADED BY TWIGS!!! > and that there was a clutch of > dead snakes and furred creatures set near the camp fire, > with Alis' knife. MIKE: (Julian) Good little furred creatures... just put the knife down... > He knew she expected him to skin them, but he was > squeamish, MIKE: After everything that's happened, skinning a snake still bothers him. > and covered the animals with the leaves, TOM: I bet he also sweeps dust under the rug and expects nobody to notice. > before > returning to his rock hunting expedition, MIKE: (Julian) Hey, David Lee Roth, where are you? I know you're around here somewhere. Come out, come out, wherever you are... > each time he > returned dragging rocks back to the campsite he'd find the > number of leaves or twigs had grown. CROW: (Julian) Our credit card bill is going to be through the roof this month. These leaves and twigs are costing us a fortune. > When the sun reached > it's zenith, TOM: With the moon in Magnavox and Jupiter in RCA. > he returned to his litter, to rest in the > shade the ditch offered. MIKE: So he's lying in a ditch full of refuse. What is he, the town drunk? > Alis returned and dumped a stack of long thick > branches into the pit with her knife, TOM: (Crocodile Dundee) That's not a knife... no, wait, it is a knife. Sorry. Need to have me glasses fixed. > telling Julian to get > back to carving. MIKE: I wonder how long Julian will put up with this. CROW: (Julian) One of these days, Alis, one of these days... POW! To the moon! > He did so. TOM: (Julian) Yes, dear. I'm doing it, dear. > An hour later Alis returned to the camp with the > snake skin full of water which she used to soak the ground > around the pit, MIKE: (Alis) We can't afford a security system, so I'm going to build a moat. > then as Julian watched, she drove the > carved branches into the ground so they stood upright. CROW: Then she instructed Julian to sit on one of them. > When > she'd made a virtual wall of branches she began winding > thin flexible twigs through. TOM: Say what you will about Alis, but she's good with a computer. > He watched fascinated, MIKE: Of course, he's also fascinated by watching the washing machine spin the clothes around and around. > as she > wove a wall, five feet high this way and then she looked > at him. CROW: A house fit for Danny DeVito. > I trust, that now you've seen me do it you can do > it too." TOM: (singing) I can do anything you can do better, I can do anything better than you! > Julian nodded and then returned to his carving > chores with a new enthusiasm now he knew what the purpose > of his endeavours were. MIKE: (Julian) I feel so motivated now that I know we're going to turn a temporary shelter into a sprawling estate. > Alis left, returning with more of > the thick branches dumping them into the pit. Then she > wandered off to the riverside, CROW: Isn't that where Archie lives? > to bathe, and when she > returned to the camp, it was with yet another collection of > twigs. TOM: By this time, all the trees have been stripped bare. CROW: And every animal within a hundred mile radius has been slaughtered! > By night fall the frame of the hut was complete. MIKE: Jabba would be completed by Wednesday. > All > of the next day, Julian and Alis worked together winding > twigs through the branches building the walls up and > connecting them. TOM: (singing) The long and winding twigs. MIKE: (singing) Felistan wood - isn't it good? CROW: (singing) I wanna hold your pa-a-a-a-a-aw! > When the sun began to set, TOM: On the British Empire. > Alis removed > some of the rocks from the side of the foundation CROW: Which allowed her to predict the future, using Psychohistory. > and began > digging in the dirt, MIKE: Peter Gabriel's lawyers, you've been put on alert. > using a stick to break up the dirt. MIKE: And a couple of barfights. TOM: Thanks, Mike. Now I'll always picture Alis as the Joe Don Baker of cat people. > She dug through the night until she had broken through > outside the walls and created a tunnel that CROW: Would allow them to escape Stalag 17. > lead into the > hut. MIKE: They turned lead into a hut? That's some weird alchemy. > She instructed Julian to line the walls with the rocks > and stones she'd set him to collecting while she slept > through the day. TOM: Instead, Julian spent the whole day eating Mallomars and watching _Benson_ reruns. MIKE: (Julian) What the devil is Odo doing in that mansion? > Alis awoke to find the passage way lined, CROW: With guacamole. > and Julian > sitting on a bed of leaves in the sun weaving a roof from > the left over branches and twigs. MIKE: Can't they just get a Sukkah kit, like everyone else does? > He waved to a bundle of > leaves that insects were swarming around, TOM: (singing) Hello bundle, whatcha knowin'? I've come to watch your insects flowin'. > and when she > investigated she found the animals she had left behind. CROW: When she escaped from the island of Doctor Moreau. > Muttering about men in general, MIKE: And Lee Van Cleef in particular. > she quickly skinned the > rotting animal corpses and cleaned their hides and skins in > the river before hanging them to dry on the walls of the > hut. TOM: C'mon down to Carrion Hut, America's number one carrion retailer! > The meat she used to create snares in the wilderness > surrounding their campsite. CROW: But all she caught were a couple of right-wing survivalists. > > When Alis joined Julian in the weaving and talked > of making him another set of clothes if she could catch > sufficient prey, MIKE: (Julian) Do you suppose you could make me some flare-leg jeans? > he told her, he'd quite happily do it > himself, if she skinned the animals for him. TOM: (Julian) Do the gross part for me, Mommy. > And so, when > the weaving was done, she disappeared off into the > wilderness, returning with a clutch of furred creatures, CROW: Now they're building a car out of things they find in the wilderness! > he prepared the fire pit on her instructions MIKE: (Alis) Where are the house blueprints? TOM: (Julian) Under the fire. Why do you ask? > while she > skinned them, and watched carefully as she showed him how > to prepare the meat for roasting in the pit. CROW: She told him about her secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices. > She left him to tend to the cooking of the meal, > while she returned to the wilderness, MIKE: Oh great, Gloria Steinam found a magic lamp. > returning some hours > later with vines and long extra thick branches, these she > carved the points on, TOM: She carved the number of points she'd scored on Tetris that day. > then soaked the ground to dig post > holes, and set them into place one on each corner, then she > lashed the frame of a roof in place. CROW: Then she checked the OSHA regulations. Then she scratched herself and made rude comments at passing women. > Their days work was > raised to cover their hut, and they celebrated what Julian > thought was the completion of the hut over roast and fruit. MIKE: What exactly did they roast? I mean, how could you leave a crucial detail like that out of the story? I think the writers are getting just a tad sloppy. > When she went to her bed, she stripped, MIKE: Well, I guess she's just following ancient history. TOM: Say, Mike, If I stipped for her, would she strip for me? MIKE: Uh-huh-huh. > carefully > folding her clothes and setting her armour where she would > not trip over it. CROW: Life in the SCA. > She caught him watching her, TOM: Ooooh. I bet Julian likes to watch. Heh-heh. MIKE: Tom, what the hell are you talking about? Julian's slept with someone in every chapter so far! You've been reading the same story I have! Given that evidence, what on earth makes you think that he likes to watch?!? TOM: Geez Mike, it was just a joke... MIKE: Sorry. This story is getting to me. > looking away > each time she gazed his way, turning red, then she climbed > into bed, CROW: You're a poet, and you don't know it. > and curled up facing him, her tail moving up and > down her leg in a highly suggestive fashion. CROW: (Alis) I want to play Parcheesi, NOW. > He saw it, and > the blush deepened, then the turned away, to strip for the > night TOM: And for the money. CROW: If Elizabeth Berkley shows up, I'm leaving. > leaving his clothes in a heap, and when he glanced > around and saw her watching from her bed, a clear > invitation in her eyes. MIKE: "Come to Susie's birthday party with me" they said. > His hands hovered over the breach clouts ties, then he > climbed into his bed, facing the wall of rock and began to > tell her of the terrors and abuse he'd suffered at her > sisters hands, CROW: (Julian) She called me mean names, and then she teased me about my haircut, and then... TOM: (Alis) Geez! What did I see in this clod?!? > of his meeting with her father about life in > the harems, the sensualist, of his escape. CROW: Of cabbages and kings. MIKE: Julian needs to take Remedial Pillow Talk. > Alis slept badly that night. TOM: Julian wouldn't shut up. > And when she did sleep > it was to dream of finding and repaying tenfold the bitch > who'd stolen her lovers innocence so brutally with equal > brutality. CROW: (Alis) I WILL KILL HER! MIKE: The bitch? Lassie? (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (23/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:25:15 GMT Lines: 564 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are all behind the counter, dressed identically (Well, except for the fact that MIKE is the only one who wears pants). Their outfits consist of straw hats, red and white striped jackets, bowties, and phony handlebar mustaches.] TOM: (to CAMBOT) Oh, hi everyone! You're just in time for our trbiute to _Stolen Memories_ - barbershop quartet style! (to the others) Are we ready, guys...? (TOM hums a note, and the other three hum to get in tune with him) TOM: And a one, and a two, and... (Suddenly, someone swoops in from above and pounces on TOM, knocking him to the ground. The mysterious figure stands up, holding TOM by the throat, and we see that it is ALIS, the peeved Felistian. MIKE and the other BOTS cower in fear.) ALIS: Prepare to die, rustbucket! TOM: (playing it cool) Alis! Fancy meeting you here! Say, weren't you supposed to postpone your visit until AFTER the Life Test? ALIS: I said I'd show up when you least expected it. Duh! What did you THINK I meant by that? TOM: (to Mike and the others) Uh, guys, remember that plan we talked about earlier? MIKE: Oh, right! The PLAN! (MIKE, CROW, and GYPSY exit in a hurry) ALIS: (suspicious) What was that all about? TOM: Oh, nothing! Say, don't you have a revenge to exact on me or something? ALIS: Now that you mention it, I do. (ALIS pulls TOM down behind the counter. We hear her beating him up.) TOM: Oof! Argh! Oh, the humanity! (etc., etc.) (Occasionally, part of TOM's barbershop costume is tossed into the air. After a while, ALIS emerges from behind the counter and puts a severely rearranged TOM on the countertop. His head and his left arm have traded places, and his right arm has been stretched to its limit. His globe is cracked.) ALIS: (dusting her hands off) I hope I've made myself perfectly clear. TOM: Indeed you have, ma'am. I'll never tease another Felistian again. ALIS: See that you don't. (She exits, leaving TOM a quivering wreck. From offscreen, we hear frantic activity.) CROW: (off-screen) Don't worry, Tom. We're coming to rescue you! MIKE: (off-screen) Gypsy, turn on the water - full blast! GYPSY: (off-screen) Can do, Mike! (A blast of water knocks TOM off the counter) TOM: Waaahhhh!!! MIKE: (off-screen) Okay, that's enough! (The water is turned off. MIKE and CROW run in, but find the bridge seemingly empty.) MIKE: Servo? CROW: Hello? Anyone here? (They look around, totally clueless as to what's happened. TOM can be heard whimpering. MIKE looks down.) MIKE: Tom! What happened?!? TOM: (sobbing) Alis got her revenge. (angrily) Thanks to the fact that a snail with crippling arthritis could have gotten to that hose faster than you three!!! GYPSY: We're sorry, Tom. MIKE: Here, I'll fix you. (MIKE removes TOM's head and left arm. He puts the arm in it's proper place, then gets another head from behind the counter.) MIKE: Now, in order to fix the other arm-- (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) CROW: Fanfic sign! MIKE: I'll have to fix it later. [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > ***************************************************** CROW: Come to Universal Studios! See the stars! > > Julian awoke late in the day to find himself alone > and when he crawled out of the hut it was to find a wall > of rock mud and leaves had been constructed while he slept. MIKE: Another one? TOM: (sobbing) This chapter is a mobius strip. > He met Alis at the river bank, scooping mud into the snake > skin, CROW: (singing) The things we do when we're in love... > and helped her to drag it back to the hut, there she > showed him how to make a rock wall, and left him to it > while she hunted up more rocks and leaves for the chore. MIKE: I think it's safe to say at this point that Bob Vila has taken over Mission Ops Productions. > By nightfall, TOM: There were two Batmen. > two walls were built, and by the next > night, all four walls were up. CROW: When they're done, they'll have the Fontainebleu hotel. > Alis was gone again the next morning. MIKE: She'd finally wised up. > Julian never > saw her that day, or the next, but she left her bounty > behind TOM: This is mutiny, Mr. Christian! Mutiny! > in the form of masses of fuel for the fires, and > animal carcasses that Julian wrapped in leaves. CROW: He tried to get them to fetch, but that didn't work too well. > With > nothing better to do, he dug a pit in the ground, MIKE: That's what I like to do when *I'M* bored, I tell ya. As a matter of fact, I think I'll start digging a pit in the ground RIGHT now. > then > tottered off to the river side to collect stones and mud in > her snake skin, TOM: Jules, it's not polite to say that your girlfriend has snake skin. > he lined the pit with mud, stones and > leaves, then dropped the animals in it, then collect twigs > and sticks to weave a cover for his food pit. MIKE: Stones, mud, twigs, and sticks... why doesn't Julian collect baseball cards, instead? CROW: The bottom's fallen out of the market, Mike. > With no sign > of Alis that night, TOM: Julian brazenly flirted with a cocktail waitress. > he returned to the hut, to cook a meal > for two, that he ended up eating alone. MIKE: How's he ever going to finish all those Ramen noodles? > Then he spent the > next few hours with a collection of twigs and sticks > weaving until he could no longer keep his eyes open and > crawled into bed alone, wishing she was there with him. CROW: Instead of in Atlantic City, having the time of her life. TOM: "Dear Alis, I'm bored to death, it's hot and I'm stuck here with a bunch of dead animals. Wish you were here to share it with me." > When he awoke in the morning it was to find more > animals to place in the food pit, and more fire fuel. MIKE: How about using some of John Grisham's novels? > He sorted through the fuel pulling out any flexible > twigs he could find, alone with any long thin but strong > branches he could find to suit his purpose. CROW: Alone with long branches that suit his purpose? Mike, kill me. > Then he > returned to the hut to continue his weaving. TOM: Back to the women's work, eh? MIKE: (Julian) I don't wike you anymowe. I'm weaving you... and I'm keeping the wing. > When he was done, he pulled rocks from the pit wall > and began digging, hours later, he returned to the river > side to collect mud, stones and leaves. MIKE: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! That's all he EVER does! I thought the point of _Star Trek_ was "to boldly go where no man has gone before", not "to go where one wuss has gone over and over again". CROW: Some people said the same thing about _The Next Generation_. (TOM does a rimshot) > When Alis returned > that night it was to find a corner of the hut had been > enclosed behind a twig wall, and Julian proudly showed off > his addition to the hut. TOM: A billiard room! > There in the corner, he'd dug a > hole, lining it with mud and stones, and in that hole was > a basket lined with leaves, covered with a wicker lid and > thong handles lay on the ground behind it. MIKE: (British accent) It's the Amazing Food Steamer, another Fantastic Discovery! > She thought it > was a food pit, CROW: Like McDonalds? > until he mentioned the one outside and > pointed out, it wasn't safe to answer the call of nature at > night. TOM: (Julian) This is for your scat, darn cat! > She laughed and hugged him. MIKE: I figured she was too classy for toilet humor. > That night, Julian didn't sleep alone, TOM: He slept with his teddy bear. CROW: How'd Kukalaka get there? > they lay curled > up around each other, MIKE: They've become a living sheepshank knot. > and when her hands and tail wandered > in the night, CROW: (Alis) Hey! Get back here! > he responded, making love to her in the > manner she was accustomed to from him. TOM: Gives new meaning to "wanderlust", doesn't it? > When Julian awoke the next morning, MIKE: Is that the ONLY way one can possibly begin a paragraph? > it was find fruit > and a bowl of water waiting for him. CROW: And a new squeaky toy on his blanky. > When he crawled out of > the hut, he found Alis skinning the animals from the food > pit. TOM: I guess that makes her (Superintendent Chalmers) SKINNER! (MIKE and CROW groan) > They shared a kiss, CROW: Even though it was Alis that paid the rent for it. > then without a word he got to work > preparing the fire pit, and taking care of the meat, much > to Alis' approval. MIKE: You know Alis, she loves a man who can handle his meat. I mean, she did have that relationship with Sam the Butcher. > When she was through skinning them, TOM: She started skinning Julian. > she dropped a > kiss on his head before wandering off, CROW: (Julian) Ow! That hurt, ya dink! > to return some hours > later, MIKE: With her new boyfriend, Tony the Tiger. > dragging a huge dead snake larger than the one she'd > killed to save him. TOM: Jormungand? CROW: Vasuki? > Julian departed to the river to bathe > while she skinned it. MIKE: Skinned the river? TOM: It must be the Hudson. > She was still skinning it when he > returned, so he ducked into the hut and sat down on his > bed, studying the structure considering ways in which he > could improve it. MIKE: (Julian) What we need is an arcade. > > It was with interest and curiosity that Alis watched > Julian ducking in and out of the hut, collecting rocks, > thick sticks, leaves, mud, and water. TOM: (Alis) I finally found something more fun than watching grass grow! CROW: That's odd. I'm witnessing the same thing she is, and all I feel is a vague sense of ennui. > Every time she tried > she made an inquiry about his work, he would shoo her away, MIKE: Cats are always underfoot. > so she gave up. TOM: (Alis) He's more secretive about upcoming projects than Woody Allen! > Hanging the snake skin inside out to dry > she prepared the meat for the fire pit and tossed it in. CROW: She tossed the meat in the FIRE? MIKE: I guess they ran out of firewood. > She was preparing to go off to hunt some more when Julian > crawled out of the hut, and noticing she was off to hunt > asked her to look for wood, bark and thin vines for his > latest project. TOM: The Alan Parsons Project? > When she returned she to the hut, CROW: She returned herself to the hut? MIKE: No, she returned *She*, AKA de Sade. TOM: Wrong. She returned the title character from the movie _She_. > she found him > sitting on his bed carving points onto strong sticks. CROW: And listening to Bobby Sherman records. > Looking around, she couldn't see anything that would give > her a clue as to what he'd been up to that day. MIKE: Here's a hint - self service. > She gave > him the things he asked for, and was covered in kisses, TOM: From Julian's Hershey's stash. > for > her troubles. CROW: Which melted like lemon drops. > One thing lead to another and he made love to > her with an expertise that had her screaming out in > pleasure, her nails raking his back. MIKE: (Julian) Would you mind raking the leaves instead? > It was then he was > froze up on her, TOM: Another Ice Age was starting. > crying, to pull away and curl up in a > foetal ball that no amount of stroking and soothing words > could bring him out of. CROW: This would take Nestle Qwik, and plenty of it. > She slunk from the hut to skin the > animals she'd collected the day before, MIKE: It's good that she has a hobby. > while he lay curled > up in his bed, alone and miserable, cursing the woman who'd > taken from him the ability to make love with Alis without > fear. TOM: (Julian) You'll pay for this, Doctor Ruth! > Finally, he chose to stop feeling sorry for him, to > find a way to avoid the reaction Alis' caresses had > engendered in him and his mind went to his project. CROW: (Prospero) Must fill, or else my project fails. > When > she tried to return to the hut, he shooed her off and told > her to go bathe, MIKE: (Julian) I'm glad I use Dial. I wish YOU did! > and pushed the snake skin into her hands > telling her to come back with mud and leaves. TOM: (singing) Come back to me, Bearing mud and leaves. Come back to me, I want you to. Come back to me, Bearing mud and leaves. Come back to me. > When she did, > he shooed her off again, CROW: Love means always having to say "shoo". > telling her find rocks. MIKE: (Julian) I lost my pet rock! Get me a new one, mommy! > When he finally let her back in, once more she could > find no sign to tell her what he was up too. TOM: (Alis) Why does he need all these posters of nude musclemen? > He was once > more sitting on his bed, carving points onto sticks. CROW: So he wants to roast marshmallows. Big freakin' deal! > He now > had more than two dozen of them. CROW: Okay, he wants to roast a LOT of marshmallows. It's still no big deal. > He asked her to go back > to collecting large pole like sticks, to make an addition > to the hut, she shrugged and agreed to do so, and when he > set his work aside, she tried to join him in bed and was > firmly told, he didn't want company that night. MIKE: Maybe Julian is finally blossoming into a young lady. > So she > slept alone on her litter. TOM: (singing) His poor wife was sleeping alone again... CROW: (Alis) What did I do wrong? I'm getting fat, aren't I? (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. The walls are lined with large stones. There is a wood and vine fence in front of the counter. MIKE is behind the counter, wearing a sleeveless fur tunic, separate snakeskin sleeves and an apron. He speaks as if English is not his first language.] MIKE: Hello, and welcome to Wimp Can Cook. I am Julian Bashir. Today, I show you how to make delicious stir fry. We begin as soon as Alis get here with meat. (CROW enters, stage right, with a huge plastic snake around his shoulders. MIKE takes the snake.) MIKE: As you can see, Alis has brought large slither. Nice thing about dish we will be making is you can make it with any kind of meat. I suggest you use wilderbeast if you can get girlfriend to kill one. Alis never kill wilderbeast, except once to save my life. But slither will work just fine. Be careful when skinning slither, because you want to use hide to make legging and sleeve. (MIKE gets a plate with a big chunk of meat on it from behind the counter) MIKE: Alis skinned slither earlier and cut off nice big piece for stir fry. Now we julienne it. (MIKE cuts the meat into thin strips) MIKE: You want to get some vegetable that you can julienne. Forest have impressive variety of vegetable, but you should be to find vegetable you like wherever you live. (MIKE gets some weird-looking alien vegetable from behind the counter and cuts it into thin strips, then gets some noodles from behind the counter.) MIKE: All right, now we put noodle in this pan here. (gestures to frying pan) Then we add soy sauce. (MIKE pours some soy sauce on the noodles) MIKE: Now all we do is add meat and vegetable and then stir fry. (does so) This is nice, simple meal you can make quickly. That is good thing for me, because Alis is hungry after hard day of working and beat me if she have to wait long for dinner. Join us next time, when I show you how to make delicious lemon slither. See you then, and remember, if wimp can cook, so can you. (The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (24/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:46 GMT Lines: 386 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats. We see that TOM has been completely repaired.] > When she returned at sun set that night, CROW: She found Scarlett O'Hara saying "As God as my witness, I'll never be hungry again!". > it was to > find a pile of dirt beside the hut, MIKE: That's it? That's what he's been working on? A pile of dirt?!? > when she crawled in, it > was to find all the food supplies missing, TOM: (Alis) Louie Anderson's been here! > and a shelf > hanging from the wall, made from the wood she'd found the > day before, and two vines hanging from the roof to the edge > of his bed. CROW: So Tarzan redecorated the place. Big whoop. > Then she heard his voice, coming from under his > bed, MIKE: (Julian, muffled) Help! The monsters under my bed got me! > and it rose up, to reveal a hole in the floor lined > with rocks and leaves leading into the darkness. (TOM makes squeaking noises) CROW: (spooky voice) Welcome, my friends, to the Inner Sanctum! ALL: MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! > > Julian proudly showed off his pantry to Alis when > she crawled in. MIKE: So all those paragraphs and paragraphs of suspense led up to... a pantry. Be still, my heart. > It was a natural cave in the ground he'd > found when he'd started digging a hole under the bed, > intending to build a pantry. TOM: Isn't it a bit inconvenient to have a bed over your pantry? > Spared the need to dig out a > large pit, he'd begun creating wicker baskets CROW: And started a new career as a slither charmer. > and digging > food and fire pits in the cave floor instead. TOM: (singing) You dig sixteen pits an' whaddya get? Another day older an' deeper in debt. > He pointed to > a trench running from the fire and food pits and told her > how he was going to line it with rocks and fill it with > water, MIKE: (Julian) Then I'm gonna knock out that wall to create more of a flow to the room. > he showed her the little doors he'd made, CROW: In case Paul Williams ever dropped by. > that ran > to the pits, the doors cold be opened to either flood the > fire pit, TOM: For naval battles. > to put out a fire, or opened a little to dampen > the sides of the food pits to keep the food cold. MIKE: And then evil insect creatures from the planet Destructon came down, and Julian and Alis had to team up to kick their scrawny exoskeletons using only crude weaponry, right? CROW: No. You see, that would be considered an EXCITING plot development. It's totally inappropriate for this part of the story. > Then he lead her to a little alcove in the cave where > she found what he'd done with the rest of the wood and thin > vines she'd collected for him. TOM: He'd made a gazebo. CROW: Which was promptly destroyed by a passing party of adventurers. MIKE: (Julian) And here's a wooden Nautilus machine, and a wooden satellite receiver, and a wood-and-vine drill press... > There was a baby's cradle, > ready to be lined with soft hide and fur. CROW: (Julian) By placing the nursery in the pantry, we never have to wake up for nightly feedings. Am I brilliant, or what? > He embraced her > from behind and murmured his hopes that there would be a > little one to place in the cradle, TOM: It was so nice of Mission Ops to write a tribute to Kurt Vonnegut. CROW: Isn't Troi a little big for a cradle? > she turned to face him, > and told him, he better build more than one, because they > always came in litters. MIKE: (Alis) And make a pooper-scooper while you're at it. TOM: Just what we need - a litter of half-Alis, half-Julian creatures. They'll cough up hairballs and then whine about it. > He smiled, and his hands wandered to find the seals > of her armour, stripping it away, while her hands sought > the thongs of his clothing, stripping it away, when she > tried to draw him down, he would not be drawn down, he > pulled her back up, and began lavishing her body with > kisses and caresses, telling her, of his fears and > explaining his hopes to avoid, the instinctive reaction > bedding with her brought out in a voice rough with passion. CROW: I get the feeling that Mission Ops Productions wrote the preamble to the Code of Hammurabi. > She stopped trying to drawn him down, knowing all to > well the fear he spoke of, TOM: (Alis) There, there. The Cold War is over. We're not going to get nuked. > and let him have his way with > her, MIKE: His way involved a motor scooter, a rugby team, and 47 slinkys. > and when her legs threatened to buckle, CROW: (Alis' legs) Give us five grand or we'll buckle your belt. > he pressed > her pack against the wall, TOM: He shouldn't abuse those poor, innocent wolves like that. CROW: (Alis) MOM! Julian keeps shoving my stuff into the wall! > running his hands down her body > to cup her buttocks, MIKE: (singing) He's got the whole butt, in his hands... > she could feel him hot and throbbing > ridged with need as he ran his hands down her buttocks to > grip her thighs and raise her off her feet. CROW: Hey, a cat is being Uplifted. > She wrapped her > arms around his neck, and her legs around his waist as he > kissed her deeply, and impaled her with his manhood. MIKE: Julian IS Vlad the Impaler! > She > arched away, and his mouth found her breasts instead, TOM: They were laying on the floor. > there to nuzzle and suckle both in turn, MIKE: Two, two, two sucks in one! CROW: I'd like to point out that Alis should have more than two. > nothing else did > he do, she did it for him, TOM: (singing) Everything I do, I do it for you... > writhing in pleasure, curling > her fingers in his hair, thrusting against him, taking him > in, MIKE: Having him fill out a comment card. > her muscles moving in counter point to his suckling, > till he lost himself, CROW: (Julian) I'm always in the last place I look. > and began to move with her, TOM: Geez, after all the time they spent working on the hut... > meeting > each thrust of hers with one of his own, and when he was > ready to explode within her, (MIKE hums the _Mission: Impossible_ theme) > his voice thick with passion > begged her to take him to the pleasure place, and she did. CROW: (Julian) Please drive me to Discovery Zone, mommy! TOM: (Alis) All right, dear. > And he was lost to her, MIKE: So she filed a Missing Person report. > erupting to spill his seed > within, CROW: They make Julian sound like a pet parakeet. > once, twice, three times, ALL: (singing) A lady... > before he came down from > that place he went to, TOM: The attic. > and slid from her to collapse > bonelessly on the floor, MIKE: You mean boner-lessly. > pulling her down with him. CROW: (Julian) I'm going down, and I'm taking you with me! > Alis left him there, to go to the river, there to wash > away the blood from the scraped and broken skin which was > a painful side effect of their coupling in the cave. TOM: (Alis) Next time, let's do it on broken glass. > She returned to the cave, MIKE: Alis does more returning than shoppers on the day after Christmas. > to dress, then carried > Julian back into the hut, to put him to bed, CROW: Don't forget to tuck him in. > before moving > to her own to sleep. TOM: I hear that Her Own IS a nice, quiet town. I can see why Alis would want to move there to sleep. > > The next morning when he awoke, MIKE: He felt an irritating sense of deja vu, as if he'd began dozens of paragraphs doing the exact same thing. > she had a meal and > fresh water waiting. CROW: (Alis) Strained carrots for Julian and a wilderbeast steak for me. > He left to bathe and returned to eat > with her, TOM: Oh goody. For a second there, I didn't know if he was going to return to eat with her or not. The suspense was killing me. And speaking of killing me, would you? Please??? > and she cut into his happy babble to tell Julian > about the Life Tests, MIKE: About how she had decided to subscribe to Time, instead. > of the fact that she had only been > in the wilderness to take her test, CROW: Look, I know ETS is out of the way, but it's not THAT bad. > and that she could not > return to civilisation until she had been to the first > mothers temple. MIKE: The temple was built by Frank Zappa? > She told him how she had only started building the > hut because she TOM: Wanted to sell pan pizza. > could not wait for him to regain his > strength, how intended to leave him to recover, alone for > a time, the fire fuel and ring around the camp site ALL: (taunting) Ring around the camp site! Ring around the camp site! > was for > his protection. MIKE: Cause it's a nice hut, and I'd hate for something to happen to it. > He told her how he thought she was constructing a > little home CROW: On the prairie. > for them to live in, where he'd be safe. TOM: The only time Julian will be safe is when he's deep in the cold, cold ground. > And > then she told him of how, with each passing night, leaving > to take her life test, to become an adult, was becoming > more and more difficult. MIKE: Oooh, lotsa pauses in that sentence. We're getting into Shatner territory here. > How much she wanted this to > become their home, where they'd be free of all the > expectations and machinations of others. CROW: A place where nobody expects anything from us. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? There must be. It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's past the moon, and beyond the rain. (singing) Somewheeeeere overrrr-- MIKE: (interupting) Okay, that's enough. > That night, they slept together, curled up around > each other, when her hands and tail wandered, TOM: Look, I know that body parts fall asleep, but they DON'T sleepwalk! > he responded, > making love to her, in a sleepy trance, the way he had, > before he was snatched, MIKE: Ah yes, the good old days, when Julian fell asleep before Alis' sexual needs were fulfilled. > so different from the way he had > tried to make love to her hear during the aborted love play > days ago. MIKE: He tried to make love to her hear? TOM: I guess that means they had aural sex. MIKE: D'OH!!! > Alis cried as she held him in the aftermath of their > love making, knowing from recent experience he had learned > how to send her wild with his love play and that what they > shared in his bed, was not shared with his conscious > knowledge. TOM: You know, given Alis and Julian's parent-child relationship, this is almost incestuous. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (25/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:25:32 GMT Lines: 729 -------- [SOL Bridge. There's a small metallic shack set up behind the counter. It looks half-built. TOM and CROW are both wearing white overalls and yellow hardhats. TOM has some pieces of scrap metal tucked under his arm. CROW has blueprints in his hands.] CROW: The breakfast nook is coming along beautifully! TOM: Yeah, and the sitting room should be finished by Monday. CROW: Is this gonna be the best hut ever or what? (MIKE enters and studies the scene with a bemused expression) MIKE: (sighs, long-suffering) Okay, who wants to explain this to me? TOM: Hi, Mike. Didn't see ya sneak up on us. Say, you really should be wearing a hardhat. This is a contruction zone, for Pete's sake. MIKE: Oh, I get it. The fascinating hut-building sequence from the fanfic has inspired you to build your own hut. Am I right? CROW: Couldn't have said it any better, my caucasian comrade. TOM: But this won't be just any old, run-of-the-mill hut like those jarheads in the story are making. CROW: Nope. Our split-level hut has six bedrooms, three-and-a-half bathrooms, a fully-functional kitchen, a conservatory, and an Olympic-size indoor pool. TOM: Plus, it's air-conditioned, cable-ready, and smells like a new car. MIKE: Sounds wonderful. Uh, I don't mean to be a party-pooper here, but where exactly are you getting the material to build this Barbie dream hut? CROW: Er... uh... hmmmmm... TOM: (covering up) Why, from one of the Satellite of Love's many natural forests, of course! Our satellite is a vast resource of... (MIKE bangs his fist on the side of the hut. We hear a metallic "clanking" sound.) MIKE: A forest with METAL trees? TOM: (Richard Nixon) Now let me say this about that... MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9. CROW: I wouldn't recommend that, Mike. [Cut to exterior shot of the SOL. There is a gaping hole in the side of the satellite. Lots of little objects are getting sucked out into the vast cosmos. We hear a "WHOOOOOSSH" sound.] MIKE: (voice-over) Uh-huh. Just as I thought. [Cut to SOL Bridge. MIKE is ready to kill.] CROW: I can explain, Mike. Well, actually, Tom can explain. Take it away Tom. TOM: (casual) In the topsy-turvy world of today, who's to say what's right and what's wrong? (All of a sudden, GYPSY enters. She's in a panic.) GYPSY: Mike, come quick! Your record collection is being sucked into space at this very moment! The Lindsay Buckingham solo albums are gone, but if we hurry, I think we can save some of your Emerson, Lake and Palmer records. (A pause as this news sinks in. Then...) MIKE: AAAAAHHHH!!! My autographed copy of "Brain Salad Surgery"! (MIKE and GYPSY exit together, leaving TOM and CROW alone on the bridge) CROW: Well... better get back to building the hut. TOM: You said it, buddy. CROW: Hey! Wouldn't it be neat to have a hammock woven of vines for the back porch? TOM: Cool! I know where we can get those vines, too, and they can't ALL be necessary for life support... (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) BOTS: We've got fanfic sign! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. The BOTS enter and take their seats.] > The next morning, Julian awoke alone. CROW: I think this story is just a drastic rewrite of _Groundhog Day_ with Bill Murray. We keep coming back to the same scene over and over again - a guy waking up. > When he > explored the camp site, to find no trace TOM: He left after Season Seven. (CROW looks at TOM) > of her, he > assumed she was gone. CROW: As was the thrill. (MIKE enters and takes his seat) MIKE: You're going to pay for jettisoning my records. TOM: Relax, Mike. You didn't complain when we incinerated your Hummel figurines. MIKE: You torched my Hummels?!? (Mike buries his face in his hands.) CROW: Nice going, Servo. I was going to blame Gypsy for that one. MIKE: (face still in hands) Huey, Dewey and Louie never gave Bruce Dern any trouble. Why did I get stuck with the broken bots? > When he returned from answering the > call of nature he found the pile of fire fuel had been > enlarged. TOM: The wood had morning wood. > When he began transferring the freshly roasted > meat to the pantry, CROW: He was suddenly confronted by a grizzly bear and had to make a desperate run for his life? MIKE: No, no. It's nothing interesting or exciting, believe me. > it was to discover one of his baskets > full of fresh, and unripe fruit, that he knew would slowly > ripen and become edible. MIKE: See? What did I tell ya? > He collected the poles TOM: From Poland. > Alis had found for him and > started sharpening them into stakes. CROW: You never know when a vampire will attack. > These stakes Julian > planted in a half ring around the hut, MIKE: Do they really NEED a mini-Stonehenge? > and when he was > done, he wandered into the wilderness for the first time, TOM: And was promptly mauled by a bunny rabbit. > taking her knife with him, to collect vines that he dragged > back to the campsite, again and again. CROW: (Julian) I'm building a swingset! > With each trip he returned from, he'd discover > evidence of Alis' presence at the camp sit during his > expeditions. MIKE: Such as that "ALIS WUZ HERE" graffiti. > All the baskets were full, the food pit > outside was being slowly filled, and there were freshly > skinned hides and skins drying around the camp sight, or > fuel piles had been added too. TOM: You know guys, we're going to have to watch three dozen action movies after this story, in order to achieve equilibrium. > When he grew tired of fetching vines he began > sorting through the fuel piles pulling out the flexible > twigs for weaving and returned to the hut to start weaving > new baskets. CROW: Just another Saturday night for Julian. > Alis didn't return to the hut that night. MIKE: She was tired of eating pizza. > When he > woke, he found the food pit empty and the fire pit full, > hides and skins prepared for drying on the walls of the > hut, and a pile of vines and more stakes waiting. CROW: (Julian) What I wouldn't do for some Tupperware right now. > He > planted the stakes completing his ring, then went off into > the wilderness to collect more vines. TOM: Jane was coming over later, and he wanted to try something kinky. > When he tired of > collecting vines, he returned to find even more stakes > waiting for him. MIKE: (Julian) I don't even LIKE steak! > He planted those into the ring, and then > began weaving the vines around the poles. CROW: No one will be seated during the pulse-pounding Maypole tournament! > When the sun began setting he left his work to bathe > in the river, and returned to the hut, to find it empty, > but on the table there was a meal waiting for him, TOM: He and Max just got back from where the wild things are. > the meat > still hot from the fire pit. CROW: (singing) Still hot as fire... > He clambered out to find it > and the food pit empty. MIKE: (Julian) Hmmmmm... did I have a party here last night? > He scrambled down into the pantry > to find all the baskets and food pits full, and on a large > leaf bed, he found a bowl of honey and honey comb. TOM: Ugh, product placement in a fanfic. > When he returned to the hut above it was to find a > piece of hide on the wall, and on it in charcoal was a > message from Alis. CROW: It was a Dear John letter. > She had left him, to go complete her life test. MIKE: Wow, an actual plot development. > She > would return and make her home there with Julian, if the > goddess willed it. TOM: "P.S. - I just heard back from the goddess, and it turns out she didn't will it. I guess this is goodbye. Love always, Alis." > Julian sunk down on her bed, to find it warm, with > the warmth of having been rested on for some time. CROW: So it was warm with warmth. > He > realised she'd been sleeping in the hut while he worked. MIKE: Was it role reversal day or something? > She must have returned to rest while he was off collecting > vines, and left while he was bathing. TOM: It would have made sense to be with him and say goodbye, but I guess it's too much to ask for logic in this fanfic. > He didn't sleep well that night. CROW: The wilderbeasts next door were playing Motorhead albums. > Julian's spent the early hours of the morning feeling > sorry for himself. MIKE: (singing) Can't stop this feelin'... > It was only later, that he decided to > prove to her that his plan to live in the relative safety > of the wilderness was a viable one, TOM: But she already agreed that the wilderness was a good place to live! DOESN'T ANYBODY IN THIS STORY PAY ATTENTION OR PERFORM AN ACTION THAT MAKES *SENSE*?!? > by using the time it > took for her to complete her life test to make the hut > habitable for long term residence. MIKE: Separate his-and-hers bedrooms, then? > With that goal, he returned to weaving his vine wall, > taking several trips in to the wilderness to collect more > vines. CROW: I hear Julian has some really rare vines in his collection, including one with the airplane printed upside-down. > He took with him a bundle of wooden spears, which > he ended up using to dispatch snakes and creatures which > decided he was on the menu. TOM: He's the main ingredient in dork soup. MIKE: Is that anything like _Duck Soup_? TOM: Absolutely not. > For the first time he ended up skinning them, MIKE: And for the second or third time, he ended up kissing them. > and made > a botch out of it, CROW: Mmmm, botch casserole! > he ended up throwing up in the fire pit, > several times, before he got the hang of it and learned to > control his stomach. MIKE: You know, there ARE other ways to put out your campfires. > By the end of the first week, his vine wall was > shoulder high. TOM: But only if you were Herve Villechaize. > Buy the end of the second week, CROW: At this insanely low price! We're practically giving it away! > it was > ringed, on the inside by a mud and rock wall waist high. MIKE: Andy Warhol's _Sleep_ is starting to look like a non-stop thrill ride right about now. > By > the end of the third week, there was another mud and rock > wall outside. TOM: This is slowly becoming a Pink Floyd tribute. > The nights he spent weaving a door for the > wall and it took him three days to devise a in which to way > to use it. CROW: It took him three days to devise a what, now? MIKE: (Julian) I'm not as think as you drunk I am. (hic) > He made three more stakes, to lash the door too, > then he built a low knee high mud and rock wall around the > doorway, to keep the animals out. TOM: I know Mormon missionaries are annoying, but you don't have to call them animals. > During the forth week, he scouted around the rivers > edge, finding drift wood and bark, gourds and stones which > he converted into plates, bowls, cups, eating utensils and > several more cradles, in the hope that Alis would return > and chose to stay here, and start a family with him. TOM: So when Jules escaped from the harem, the harem keeper sent Henry VIII wearing a suit of solid gold armor and riding on Willard Scott's back to find him? CROW: Apparently. > His explorations of the area brought to light a reed > bed, CROW: Which Reed and Sue were still using. > and he tried to pull them up, TOM: (Julian) Outta the bed, you two! You DO want to be approved by the Comics Code Authority, don't you? > and only succeed in > slicing his hands and fingers open on the sharp edged > reeds. MIKE: It slices! It dices! Look at that tomato! > Julian left the reed bed, to retrace his steps back > to the camp, CROW: But the animals had already eaten the trail of breadcrumbs he'd left. > making sure he left enough tracks to find the > reed bed again. TOM: And so it would be easier for the wilderbeasts to find him. > At the camp, MIKE: He wrote a letter to his muddah and his faddah. > he cut up pieces of hide to > wrap around his hands and fingers, CROW: Hey Julian, There's a pair of isotoners in the root cellar! MIKE: Yeah, and the LAPD might have planted one nearby. You could wear that! > before returning to the > reed bed to harvest the reeds, which he carried back to the > hut, to weave into red matting for the floor and reed > curtains to cover the walls. TOM: I feel like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_, except I'm being forced to watch Home and Garden Television. > He remembered the hides when it began to rain, MIKE: Knowing this planet, it was probably raining men. CROW: Hallelujah. > and > scrambled out to collect them and returned to the hut, to > pass his days making new clothes. CROW: Julian spent the next few days in the jungle, searching for Asian children who would work in his sweatshop. > By trial and error he > learned how to make moccasins, loose baggy pants and a long > sleeved tunic. TOM: He then went on to found the Backstreet Boys. > Once he got the hang of it, he made a hooded > cape of fur, MIKE: I wouldn't wear fur around your girlfriend, Jules. That cape could be someone she knows. > and another of snake skin, then a back pack of > snake skin to use while gathering supplies. CROW: By a strange quirk of fate, he found a naturally-occurring source of Dolly Madison Zingers that day. > He ran out of > hide and skin before he was through with the back pack and > went hunting for more. TOM: Why doesn't he just peel off some of George Hamilton's hide? > In the fifth week he got to work on making a double > bed, dragging long thick branches into the hut, to make a > frame, then lashing hide to it. MIKE: I think Red Skye enjoyed _Robinson Crusoe_ a little too much. > It broke under him, the > very first night. CROW: Comic relief by Bob Saget. > He gave up and tried making chairs > instead. TOM: He's the male Martha Stewart. > He succeeded in this endeavour, and feeling very > proud of himself, he tried again to make the bed he wanted. MIKE: Felistia's Ethan Allen, ladies and gentlemen. > This time he got it right. CROW: He was the Little Furniture Designer That Could. > He went hunting again, armed with a make shift bow > and arrows, MIKE: He's playing Robin Hood. CROW: Well, he DID make a Little John in the hut. (MIKE and TOM groan) > stalking furred animals and birds, TOM: Until they got restraining orders. > collecting > feathers, and fur pelts to make blankets and pillows for > the bed. MIKE: Still, he hadn't quite figured out how to make a TV out of coconuts. > Dragging large stones into the hut he converted > his bed into a couch with fur cushions, then he set to work > making a table. CROW: Then he built a Rumpus Room. > On the seventh week, TOM: God rested. MIKE: Hold it! By this time, Julian's been missing for 28 weeks! Shouldn't somebody be looking for him?!? Like, say, HIS FATHER?!? TOM: Geez, Mike. Just wait a few scenes. CROW: yeah, the A-Team will get here soon to save him. MIKE: Oh. Well, okay then. > Julian lashed together a cloth > rack. MIKE: And started creating other instruments of torture. > Using thong and strong sticks he made clothes hangers > and set to washing his clothes. CROW: So he built a primitive Maytag out of bamboo and twigs? TOM: Before long, he'll be lashing up a primitive vine and snakeskin holodeck. MIKE: I'm having _Gilligan's Island_ flashbacks. > Every stitch of clothing > was hanging on the rack before the fire place drying, and > he was lying snuggled in the bed, CROW: With visions of sugarplums dancing in his head. > drifting off to sleep > when he heard the door of the pen open. TOM: (Julian) Why do I live in a petting zoo? > He sat bolt > upright, then scrambled out of bed and ducked into the > pantry to fetch food and water. MIKE: But when we went there, the cupboard was bare. > He was sure Alis would be hungry. > When he climbed out of the pantry he saw *Her*, CROW: An Avon lady? > the > woman of his nightmares, TOM: Kathy Lee Gifford. > dressed in leather and armour > just like Alis'. MIKE: They had tried to pass themselves off as twins in a Doublemint gum commercial audition. > She had a crossbow and a quiver slung at > her hip, whip in hand, and a sneer on her face. TOM: Robert Maplethorpe's Joan of Arc. > "Well, my pretty one, you lead me a merry hunt, but, > now, the hunt is over." CROW: Man, Julian has REALLY bad karma. MIKE: He must have been Adolf Hitler in a previous life. > > ************************** TOM: That is the biggest bleeped out curse I've ever seen. CROW: That's because it's what Julian said when de Sade showed up. > > > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART SEVEN > ****************************************** MIKE: And still, not a single memory has been stolen. > > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that > runs concurrently with "The Hunted". > > ****************************************** TOM: It must have cost a fortune to hire all these stars. > > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions first - > except in cases of review. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > Send your comments and requests to: henryc@zip.com.au > ----------------------------------------------------- (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are behind the counter, facing CAMBOT. MIKE has a box in front of him.] MIKE: Hi everyone. The Autobots and I have created _Stolen Memories_ action figures in a pathetic attempt to take our minds off the pain of the actual story. (MIKE takes a figure of a teenage boy out of the box) MIKE: First we have Julian Bashir, the hero of the story. He comes with removable shirt, trousers, briefs, socks, boots, robe, and fur tunic. He also has a walking stick and makeshift bow and arrows. (He puts the Julian figure on the counter and takes out a figure of a humanoid cat in a nondescript garment that one might call a dress) MIKE: Next is the Alis figure. She has a removable dress and robe and an enameled case with a slave collar inside. And she talks! (Presses a button on the figure's back) ALIS: "Don't fret my pet." (Takes out a figure of a black woman with a tail and cat-like ears) MIKE: The de Sade figure comes with a table with bands to hold down Julian while she tortures him, and a syringe to enhance the pain he feels. (Takes out another figure) MIKE: Alistair comes with a pillow and has a pillow-tossing action feature. (Puts the pillow in Alistair's hand, pulls back the figure's arm and releases it, causing the pillow to fly across the bridge) MIKE: He can also walk in "ground eating strides that take more ground than running any day"! (Puts Alistair on the counter and pushes a button on the figure's back. It starts walking across the counter.) ALISTAIR: Mmmm... beefy! MIKE: And there's so much more! (MIKE takes out two more figures. Alistair continues walking) MIKE: Life Test Alis and Hunter de Sade have crossbows that really shoot! (Takes out three more figures) MIKE: There's Julian's dad, the Sensualist and the wilderbeast. ALISTAIR: Ground tastes like chicken. (Takes out four more figures) MIKE: And Yoonuk, Ma'pul Thorp, Eidto Yaddoog and Ogrot. TOM: Huh? CROW: Mike, just who the heck are these figures supposed to be of? MIKE: They're the harem keeper, a Felistian male who can be seen for three seconds in the pack rape scene, the Klingon ambassador to Felistia, who can be seen for 0.8 seconds in the hallway at the beginning of Part Two, and Alis' personal servant, who is mentioned but never seen. (TOM and CROW look at each other, baffled) TOM: Weird figures... ALISTAIR: Mmmm... gimme some french-fried ground. (MIKE takes a smaller box out of box in front of him) MIKE: Finally, there's the Alis and Julian's hut playset. (Turns the box upside down and thousands of rocks, sticks, and vines fall out) MIKE: Some assembly required, as seen in the story. (ALISTAIR falls off the counter. The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it.) [During the Planet Bumper, ALISTAIR says "Ground - it's what's for dinner"] > She left him to tend to the cooking of the meal, > while she returned to the wilderness, ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (26/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:25:29 GMT Lines: 752 -------- [SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their seats.] > Article 232 of 418 > > Subject: 1st POST CROW: To drive us insane. > - Stolen Memories 8/9 (pre-DS9) > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/11 > Message-Id: <5b78mt$aka@the-fly.zip.com.au> > Organization: The Zipsters > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > WARNING -NC-17- FICTION: This story contains sex scenes. > If reading about teen sex offends read no further. > If not read on and enjoy. > > The Ed, Red. TOM: (singing) Red Skyes at night, Red Skyes at night... > =============================================================== > > > > Stolen Memories : > Part Eight MIKE: At long last, we finally get around to the instructions for the caulking gun you purchased. > Alis returned to the hut after a days hunting to > discover that Julian had been very busy. CROW: There were finger paintings EVERYWHERE. > There were posts > staked out in a semi circle around the hut, and vines > piled up nearby. TOM: (Alis) Oh, isn't that sweet? Julian's planning another one of his cute little pagan rituals! > After surveying his work, it didn't take > long for Alis to work out what it was that Julian planned > to build construct. CROW: How do you build construct something? MIKE: First you plan design it, then gather collect materials, and finally assemble manufacture it. > In the spirit of co-operation she > dumped the animals carcasses she had returned with into > the food pit before returning to the wilderness to find > more wood for the purpose of completing the fence. CROW: This must be her version of "whatever's in the fridge" casserole. > > Alis found more vines at the camp site than there > had been earlier when she returned, but of Julian, there > was still no sign. MIKE: In summary - more vines, no signs. > She decided to sink the posts in place > and rested for a while, having a meal before skinning the > animals and placed their carcasses in the fire pit. CROW: (Alis) Gee, it's nice to be home after that Carribean cruise. > By the time Julian eventually returned, Alis was > gone into the wilderness, once more, there to collect > more stakes and vines, and if it should cross her path, > game for hide and meat. MIKE: Hide and seek? > All through that day and the night that followed > Alis worked bringing back vines, animals and slithers, TOM: (singing) And shells and fish and Tinkertoys and wi-ine... > returning to add the vines to the pile, and skin the > animals. CROW: (singing) Whistle while you work, Julian's a jerk... > Throughout the next day, she worked collecting > fruit, game, and vines for Julian's construction. MIKE: So bananas and Risk sets are the ultimate building materials? > He > worked throughout the day, constructing his fence. TOM: Oh, dear God, what sin have I committed to deserve this penance?!? MIKE: I don't know, but I feel like converting to Gnosticism. > But, > by the time she returned to the hut curl up in bed and > catch up on her sleep, CROW: She'd forgotten how it was done. > he was gone again, and had yet to > return when she prepared to leave. TOM: This is what happens when a couple works different shifts. > Alis prepared a meal and waited for his return, MIKE: She put the meal in the middle of a steel trap and hoped Julian would take the bait. > as > she had much to say to him before she left, CROW: No good news has ever come from that phrase. > but, the sun > was falling and she could wait no longer for him. TOM: She had to warn Chicken Little. > With no > time left to wait, she ate a solitary meal, and covered > the other, leaving it where Julian would find it. MIKE: (Alis) Next to a stack of Hustlers. (grumble, grumble) > She > also left a note, lashed to the wall, to tell him where > she was. TOM: And exactly what he could do with his pointy sticks. > ************************************************** CROW: (singing) Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave... > > For three weeks, Alis followed the river, trying to > find the first mothers temple, MIKE: But all she found was the first mother's navel. > this lead her to a fork in > the river and she was forced to chose between one > direction and the next. TOM: (Art Fern) Yes, friends, take the fork in the river to the San Diego River to the Santa Monica River to the Schlaussen Cut-off! Get out of your boat... ALL: Cut off your Schlaussen... TOM: (Art Fern) Get back in your boat and row 842 miles until you come to the giant neon temple! > It took her two weeks to come to the end of the > river and realise it was newly formed, CROW: Through the merger of Time and Warner. > probably as a > result of the recent flash flooding. MIKE: Or as a result of Pinhead sleeping on a waterbed. > She backtracked till > she reached the fork once again, and followed the other > branch. As with the first, this branch of the river came > to an end too, TOM: To solve the mission, you have to return to the guys that sent you and say "Very Funny. Ha, ha." > only this one ended in a landscaped > moat around a temple made of glistening marble and > scintillating crystal which seemed to be surrounded by a > intense light, caused by the sun rays being bounced off > the faceted crystal. CROW: Xanadu, stately home of Robert Schuller. > Alis approached, and explored to discover there was > no bridge MIKE: Then how will Gandalf fight the balrog? > across the moat and no boat for crossing. When > she dipped her foot into the water to test it, TOM: A piranha tore it off. > she found > it cold enough to make swimming the moat a foolhardy > exercise. CROW: Normally, water in a tropical forest would be warm enough to swim in, but the temple's air conditioner is on the fritz. > As she could not cross it, she sat on the edge > of the moat, wondering how she could reach the other > side. MIKE: Finally, she consulted an expert - the chicken. > Night fell, and so did she, TOM: And so did Mrs. Fletcher. > into a deep sleep, > filled with dreams. CROW: Then Freddy Kreuger showed up, and... > She dreamed of Julian, building a > shelter back at the camp. TOM: (singing) I dream of Julian with the long black hair... > And when she awoke, she knew > how she reach the temple. MIKE: (Alis) I'll use Julian as a bridge! > She returned to the wilderness, and back to the > moat, over and over with vines and thick branches. CROW: Oh. We're back to THIS, are we? Anybody up for a game of Go Fish? > During > the next week, she lashed the branches into a raft > capable of supporting her weight. MIKE: That must be one hell of a raft, considering she's built like Orson Welles. TOM: Woah, time out. The average moat measures approximately 20 meters across, and she needs a RAFT? > When it was done, she > returned to the wilderness, she knew she needed one more > thing, CROW: Silly String, and lots of it. > but it took her another weeks searching before she > found it. MIKE: (Alis) Where did I put those black Givenchy pumps?!? > A long thick branch that was three times her > height. CROW: (Alis) Screw the raft. I'll just polevault over. > It took her half the day to drag her pole back to > the moat, and then onto her raft, TOM: She needs a sail? What, is the temple located on Alcatraz? Does she think she's Cuban? MIKE: Tom! TOM: It's a MOAT, not the freaking Erie! > and once there, she > pushed it over the edge, and let it sink, till it hit > bottom. CROW: Alis stood idly by while the branch drowned its problems in booze. > The pole barely reached her ear level. Pushing > off, she used the pole to steer her raft across the moat. TOM: (singing) Oh, solo meow... > *************************************************** MIKE: It's _Stolen Memories_! Starring Sean Connery! CROW: Robert DeNiro! TOM: Jack Nicholson! MIKE: Michael Douglas! CROW: Sidney Portier! TOM: Jackie Chan! MIKE: Sylvester Stallone! CROW: Bruce Willis! TOM: Harrison Ford! MIKE: Uma Thurman! CROW: James Earl Jones! TOM: Patrick Stewart! MIKE: Sandra Bullock! CROW: Madonna! TOM: Jodie Foster! MIKE: Tom Cruise! CROW: Whoopi Goldberg! TOM: And that's just a third of the stars in this incredible production! > > Alis strode boldly into the temple to find a woman > of age with her, dressed in pure black robes, MIKE: Emperor Palpatine had a sex change. > with the > mark of the goddess repeated over and over in bands along > the hem and seams. CROW: Repeating things over and over - the hallmark of _Stolen Memories_. > It was Alis opinion that the woman she > saw was a priestess. TOM: Pope Leo? MIKE: Pope Sylvester? CROW: Pope Felix? > "Welcome to the temple, kittling." CROW: Who's her dialouge coach, Kai Winn? > "I am no kittling, I am an adult," Alis said, > bristling. MIKE: Ooh, she's hitting that rebellious stage. > "An adult does not run from her troubles, TOM: An adult does not run from River City. > an adult > faces them." CROW: And if that doesn't work, an adult calls her lawyer. > Alis didn't have a clue as to what the priestess was > talking about. MIKE: (Alis) I risk my life to get here and you give me life lessons stolen from fortune cookies?!? > She had always faced her problems head on. TOM: (Alis) Well, there was the time my sister kidnapped my boyfriend I didn't do a thing about it. But that wasn't a problem. > "The home you have built with your consort in my > garden is facing your problems head on?" CROW: (falsetto) You kids stop fooling around in my beans! > Alis blanched under her fur falling to her knees > before the first mother, TOM: Who is apparently a Psi Cop. > in supplication, mortified that > she hadn't realised who she was from the start. MIKE: Don't blame yourself, Alis. Ruth Buzzi looks really different in person. > "First Mother." CROW: First Knight. MIKE: First Wives Club. TOM: Number One. > From her robes the woman produced a scroll and > handed it to Alis. CROW: (falsetto) Santa faxed me this. It's a list of which children are naughty and which are nice. > "Take this, study it, it is my law - uncorrupted by > those who presume to know what my wishes are and > interpret my words to suit their own purposes." MIKE: That was almost as subtle as a tactical nuke. > Alis took the scroll, puzzled. CROW: (Alis) I risked my life for a NEWSPAPER? > "You will understand, my kit, now go, or the one > who's life you asked me to watch over will die." TOM: Uh, story? Isn't she supposed to get a blessing first? I seem to recall something about that. > Alis scrambled to her feet. > "How?" ALL: Scrambled. > "One hunts him." TOM: (Alis) But you're "One." CROW: (falsetto) I've decided to reveal my plans, Bond villian style. > "I killed the wilderbeast." MIKE: But I did not shoot the deputy. > "It is a beast, but one that walks on two legs and > calls itself kin. TOM: Psst! It's spelled "Kzin"! > And it is ones such as this who you > must stand against. MIKE: In the buffet line at the family reunion. > No longer can you stand aside, and > let them do as they will, because those they act against > are men. CROW: If they're acting against Pauly Shore and Carrot Top, I say more power to 'em. > Study my laws well, kit, TOM: (falsetto) For the bar exam is next week. > for things you dream > about can only be achieved if one such as yourself is > strong enough to speak out, stand up to and face those > who corrupt my laws to excuse their perverted pleasures. MIKE: But enough about the ACLU... > It is up to you to end the suffering that is taking place > through out the empire every hour of every day, and even > now while we speak." CROW: (Alis) Why do I feel like I'm talking to a burning bush? > "First mother.." TOM: Then father. > "Tell me not, that you can't stop what disgusts and > sickens you, kit. MIKE: She can't stop Julian from walking around naked? > For a change to take place, someone has > to be willing to defy convention and tradition. CROW: But without tradition, we are all like a cat on a hot tin roof. > Someone > others respect. TOM: So Rodney Dangerfield is not an option. > Someone like you, the Prime Heir of the > Supreme Ruler of the Empire. MIKE: And captain of the tennis team. > Someone no one will have the > power to censure for her choices." CROW: It's deja vu all over again. > "That's what Julian said." > "If a *mere* manling can see what must be done, why > can't you, kit?" TOM: (falsetto) You could learn a lot from a dummy. > Alis had no answer, she was given no time to form > one, MIKE: Is she taking her SAT's? > the woman vanished before her eyes, in less time > than it would take to blink. CROW: Poof, be gone. > *********************************************** TOM: Now, to wrap these around the Paramount logo... > > Alis trek MIKE: Was a fairly weak spinoff, but showed some promise during the second season. > back to the hut took her several weeks. CROW: (Chelmite) You see, if it takes you four weeks to get to a temple, it it must take eight weeks to get back. MIKE: How's that? CROW: Well, it takes four months to get from Chanukah to Pesach, but it takes eight months to get from Pesach to Chanukah. It's simple Talmudian logic. > Due to the savage natures of the beasts which roamed the > wilderness TOM: Parental discretion is advised. > she chose to move through the night, MIKE: When the muggers came out. > and rest > during the day, high in the branches of the sturdiest > tree she could find on each new days dawning. TOM: (singing) Good morning, starshine. Felistia says hello... CROW: I think Alis is the kitten in a tree that Johnny Mathis is as helpless as. > To pass the hours until night fell at end of each > day Alis would study the scroll the goddess had given > her. MIKE: (Alis, reading) UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. > She realised that she held everything she needed to > make her dreams for a life with Julian in her hands, TOM: A used Kleenex and a pack of LifeSavers? > if > only she could find the courage to stand up before the > clan councils and use it. CROW: You have to admit, burly men in kilts ARE pretty intimidating. > She didn't think she had that > much courage. MIKE: She's the Cowardly Lion-like Alien. > Reading the First Mothers laws, she saw the saw TOM: I know my rights, I know the law! What I say I saw I saw! > the > similarities to the very same laws she'd been indoctrined > with since kithood but the laws she'd been taught were, > as the Goddess had said, corrupted, CROW: That's what happens when the Mafia draws up your Constitution. > they gave men no > rights, whether or not they were intelligent like Julian. MIKE: Which Julian is she referring to? She can't mean that sack of hammers back at the hut. > Alis constantly wondered how could she make the > clans turn their backs on the laws they had they changed > to suit themselves. TOM: And she wondered how they crammed all that graham into Golden Grahams. > How could she possibly make them > follow the true words of the goddess and not the false > laws. She didn't think it was possible. CROW: (Alis) After all, the only person on my side is *GOD*... > She remembered the things she learned about the > Federation Julian had come from. TOM: Like the fact that it was incredibly unrealistic. > There the dreams she > held dear could be a reality, MIKE: There her four little children would live in a nation where they were not judged by the color of their fur but by the content of their character. > she could make her dreams > come true, CROW: Much like Laverne and Shirley. > with Julian, TOM: Kintobor. > but only if she left the Empire > to be with him, when he left with his father. CROW: (singing) All around the galaxy, they're comin' to America... MIKE: So the premise of this story is that humans are the Master Race. TOM: (singing) Terra, Terra, uber alles... > *Yes, kittling, you will find what you wish for > outside the empire, CROW: (falsetto) Away from Diocletian. > but you cannot run from the duty I've > placed upon you. MIKE: (falsetto) You must clean out the garage. > Only when you have done what must be > done, TOM: (falsetto) Can you go out and play with your friends. > to end the suffering of those enslaved in the > Empire, can you have the things you dream about.* CROW: She's the patron goddess of abolitionists. MIKE: Great, Now we're in Lundeyll. Let me guess; next Alis and Julian will team up to free Ellegon from the sewers, and then Walter Slovotsky and Karl freakin' Cullinane will show up! This has already been done, story! > Alis almost jumped half out of her skin ALL: (singing) Ah, ah, ah, ah, flayin' alive! Flayin' alive! > when she > heard the voice of the goddess in her head. TOM: (singing) In her head. In her head. Violence, violence, in her head, head, head, head, hawumph. > She leapt to > her feet, looking around in all directions, but the > goddess was no where to be seen. MIKE: Either Alis is nuttier than squirrel feces, or this story has just turned into fantasy. > *Hurry kittling, the one who hunts your consort is > closer now than you are, if you are to reach him in > time - you must move with all the speed you can muster.* CROW: (falsetto) Here, take my Vespa motorscooter. > "Why can't you just..." TOM: ...end this fanfic? > *You question me?* MIKE: Man, the First Mother wouldn't be a good guest on a talk show. CROW: (falsetto) I have asked you to you stop blindly accepting what you are told! NOW STOP QUESTIONING ME! > Alis fell silent and started running. TOM: She's a fast woman. > You didn't > question the goddess, when she said, jump, you jumped. CROW: And when she said "Knock knock", you said "Who's there?". (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. No one is present. After a beat, MIKE enters, stage left.] MAGIC VOICE: Mike - mammalian creature which may or may not have possessed a sense of quality and mainly watched bad movies and Usenet posts sent to him by a woman, monkey and alien in the castle - waiting for one to strike the unwary and foolish crew within striking distance, bringing disgust then insanity. MIKE: Magic Voice, is that you? MAGIC VOICE: With an effort, she rearranged her features into a smile, meant to calm him while she waited for Servo to arrive. (TOM enters, stage right) MIKE: Tom, what in the world-- TOM: (interupting) Is Carmen Sandiego? MIKE: --did you do to Magic Voice? TOM: I programmed her to talk like the third person narrator in _Stolen Memories_. MIKE: Oh, I see. (MIKE turns away from TOM. After a short pause, he faces TOM again.) MIKE: WHY?!? TOM: Because I can. MAGIC VOICE: Mike wanted to throw Servo across the room, to rage, to cry for dreams that would never be, for being fool enough to believe he would get a satisfactory explanation. MIKE: So she's just going to keep talking like this, right? TOM: Right. MIKE: But don't you find it annoying? TOM: Yes. (TOM exits, stage right) MAGIC VOICE: Servo departed, leaving Mike to collect rocks for the hut. MIKE: I guess I'd better find him and make him fix you. (MIKE exits, stage right) MAGIC VOICE: And Mike left, to hunt Servo, for meat and hide, he left me speaking an extremely long sentence that replaces periods with commas, in addition, there are commas where there should be no punctuation of, any kind, which is pointless, and looks silly. [The yellow light flashes] MAGIC VOICE: When Julian awoke in the morning, he found us about to leave, but we assured him, that we would be right back, bar. [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (27/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:47 GMT Lines: 526 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] MIKE: Remember, Tom, don't ever reprogram Magic Voice again. TOM: Humpf. > ******************************************* CROW: Forty-three Perth, Australias. > When Alis arrived at the camp site it was to find > the hut ringed with a fence that was half rock, MIKE: Half nougat. > half vine > entwined poles and more the adequate for keeping out the > beasts that roamed this place. TOM: Lawyers? > She smiled, wondering what other surprises Julian > had for her beyond the fence, after all, Julian had, had > almost 2 months alone to get creative. CROW: That's right, all you need to become an artist is time. > The smile > disappeared from her face as she heard Julian scream, it > was the sort of scream one hears an animal in agony make. MIKE: That's not Julian, it's Alanis Morissette! > Alis didn't know where the gate was, and she didn't > have to the time to waste looking for it either, not that > she needed it. She went up and over the wall, CROW: Right into West Berlin. > pulling her > bow from it's clip as she went over, landing in a crouch, > to come up running, loading the bow as she did so. MIKE: She's officially Stallone-ing at this point. > *Charge in like a wilderbeast, and you will die like > one, kitling* CROW: Thanks for the advice, Field Marshall Montgomery. > Alis stopped short, TOM: (Frank Costanza) You're stopping short? That's MY move! > the goddess was right, CROW: Well, omniscient deities usually are. > it was > time to use her hunting skills, if she wanted to catch a > prey more dangerous than a wilderbeast. MIKE: I'd hardly call Estelle Getty "more dangerous than a wilderbeast". > It was more than > likely whoever was torturing her screaming lover was > armed, and ready to kill. CROW: Of course, she's probably busy, and rather easy to take by surprise, but why do something obvious? > *Exactly, kitling* TOM: Hey, the story has started riffing itself. > So, she would have take it by surprise. Quietly she > stripped her boots from her feet, MIKE: She's no longer a puss in boots. > her armour following. CROW: Alis, this is no time for gratuitous nudity! > Keeping only one arm and her torso armoured, to reduce > the noise she'd make, Alis crept through the entry tunnel > on hands and knee's with all the stealth she was capable > off. TOM: (singing) Bum ba bum ba bum. Inspector Gadget... > She rose up in the hut, gorge and bow rising when > she saw why Julian was screaming. MIKE: He'd just heard the news that _Star Trek: Deep Space 9_ had been cancelled. > He'd been lashed, naked, to the clothes rack CROW: NO WIRE HANGERS! > (not > that she knew it's purpose) covered in bruises, claw and > bite marks, and was being whipped. TOM: By Devo. > Already his back was > covered with over a dozen welts that oozed blood. MIKE: Geez, hasn't he been hurt enough already? Next thing you know, he'll be castrated with a butter knife, dragged through the streets like Mussolini, thrown on broken glass in the path of a Chinese Emperor's funeral procession, run over by a Shriner, sat on by John Goodman, forced to watch every episode of _Full House_, beaten with a sledgehammer, and fed to a pack of wolves. > She saw red, CROW: Red waved back, then resumed eating an ice cream sandwich. > but, she was not ready to shoot someone > in the back, she was not ready to give this sadist a > quick death. TOM: Mike, help me out with the moral here. MIKE: Okay. TOM: Sadists deserve to die, right? MIKE: According to Alis. TOM: And all pure-blooded Felistians are sadists, right? MIKE: All the ones in this story, at least. TOM: So, that means genocide against the Felistians is a moral obligation. MIKE: It sure looks that way. > *Two wrongs don't make a right, kitling.* CROW: But two rights make a left. Thank you. > ** TOM: See? The story is doing all the work for us! > *Can one who demands the end to the torture of > others be taken seriously if she engages in the very act > she is (?). MIKE: MAD LIBS SIGN! CROW: Against? TOM: Condemning? MIKE: Saying isn't very nice? > You're not a hypocrite, kitling, don't become > one now.* CROW: Rudyard Kitling? > Alis growled. TOM: So much for stealth. > *she spun* MIKE: (Alis) Youdamnit, I know she spun around! I'm not freaking blind! > Alis recognised her, and > *she* recognised Alis, CROW: For God's sake, Red, give the villain a name! > her hand flew to her hip where her > bow was clipped. TOM: And boy were its fingers tired! Thanks folks, we'll be here all week... READING THIS STUPID STORY!!! > "You!" She cried. MIKE: (Tim Curry) I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it NICE? CROW: So, we meet again for the first time for the last time. > Alis' finger twitched on the trigger of her bow, as > *she* brought up her bow, Alis fired. (ALL hum the William Tell Overture) > The bolt took her > in the chest, piercing her heart, TOM: The death of Ponce de Leon. > the bow fell from her > hand to fall to the floor, she staggered back a step, > looking positively amazed, then dropped dead. MIKE: Now THAT'S what I call a dead de Sade. CROW: She's not dead. She's resting. The Norwegian de Sade prefers kippin' on 'er back. Beautiful plumage, eh? > *Happy, I killed her in self defence - as your laws > require, only killing another sentient in self defence is > excused.* MIKE: (Jimbo) IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US! TOM: (falsetto) No, no. You may only kill if you are thinning their numbers. I am an environmentalist deity. CROW: Happy? > *I would have preferred it if you took her alive and > let your mother execute her as an example to others, ALL: WHAT?!? CROW: So it's more moral to execute people as an example and a way to control the population through fear. Oookay... > but...I am happy, you gave her a clean death - in self > defence, instead of a long and painful one such as she > intended to give your consort.* TOM: (Alis) Up yours, Clementia. > Alis growled again. MIKE: (Roy Orbison) Mercy! Grrrrrowwwrrrr... > At that moment in time, she > hated the goddess for denying her the vengeance she > wished for. CROW: Join the club, kid. TOM: That's "kitling". > But what's done is done, *she* was dead now > and there was Julian to think off. MIKE: She and Julian are going to have a think-off? TOM: Oh yeah. They're gonna show THAT battle royale on Pay-per-View. CROW: And the winner will go on to face a lobotomized sheep for the championship. > > Alis hooked her bow in her belt, and moved to the > table where her knife lay to snatch it up and move to > the rack, cutting Julian down, he passed out before she > was through. MIKE: I've just had an epiphany. Now I realize that this fanfic is the exact opposite of those old pulp stories where a lantern-jawed man rescues a helpless woman. > Alis carried him to the double bed, ready to lay him > down on it, then stopped dead in her tracks when she saw > the evidence that he'd been rapped on that bed. CROW: Coolio, Snoop Dogg, and Dr. Dre were brought in for questioning. > She > turned and carried him to the couch that she in time > realised was the litter she'd made when she was still > thinking about taking him with her to the temple. TOM: (exasperated) You mean to tell me that Alis had the power to stop Part Seven from happening and SHE DIDN'T USE IT?!? > She moved through the hut, collecting bowls and > water, shucking her pack, MIKE: Aw, shucks. > fetching the medical supplies > to tend to Julian's wounds as best she could. He hadn't > regained consciousness by the times his wounds had been > tended to and dressed. CROW: Like father, like daughter. Think about it, won't you? > Alis rooted around the hut to find the clothes he > had made tossed in a pile in a corner, TOM: (Felix) Oscar, Oscar, Oscar... > she fetched the > pants and long sleeved tunic to dress him in before > leaving him to descend to the pantry to start packing > food supplies. MIKE: Funions, Vienna Sausages, Clamato... > She couldn't, wouldn't CROW: Shouldn't have had a Boost. > stay here one more day, and > seeing all the work Julian had put into making the hut a > home made her cry. TOM: (Alis) It's just so ugly! > She returned the hut to MIKE: Sender. > pack what she could into her > back pack, collecting plates, CROW: (Alis) Screw Julian! My new Franklin Mint catalouge has arrived! > bowls and cups, along with > the fresh clothing Julian had made. TOM: Geez, her backpack must have a tesseract inside! > She found a snake > skin cape, MIKE: Remember in the '50s, when every kid had to have a snake skin cape? > and primitive back pack made of hide and snake > skin that was four times the size of her, and transferred > everything from her pack into it. CROW: But since the damn thing was four times her size, she couldn't budge it! > Further searching brought the sacks she had made to > light TOM: Matter/energy conversion is easy in the 24th century. > and these she stuffed full of fruit and meat. MIKE: And cooked them at 400 degrees for 30 minutes. > Then > she found another skin that had been turned into a water > skin and left Julian to go to the river and fill it. CROW: Then she scratched herself. Then she thought she saw a quarter laying on the ground. Then she just kinda stood there, looking at stuff. > When Alis returned to the hut, she placed the water > with the other supplies, then pulled her bow from her > sisters corpse. MIKE: So de Sade was holding Alis' bow, but Alis could still shoot her. > Alis stripped the corpse, before dragging > it out of the hut and into the wilderness TOM: (singing) Last dance with Mary Jane... > where she > dumped it, refusing to give that animal a decent > cremation. CROW: Despite being a species of bipedal cats with non-sapient males, the Felistians manage to be remarkably human in psychology. > "Let the beasts feed on your carcass, and the worms > feast on what they leave behind," She hissed at the > corpse before leaving. MIKE: Alis IS Cobra Commander! TOM: Forget about what all the major religions preach. If your enemy dies, you must desecrate the body. > She returned to the hut, to fetch all the supplies, > and then looked around the hut, studying it, really > seeing for the first time all the hard work that Julian > had put into making this hut, a home. CROW: He'd put in shag carpeting and installed a TV antenna. > At first she'd been > thinking only of removing Julian, then torching the > place. MIKE: But then she remembered that was Janet Reno's job. > Now, she knew she couldn't do that, such an act > would mean destroying everything Julian had worked so > hard to create. TOM: Everything he had learned from watching _Interior Motives_. > So she pulled the hide from the wall and > rubbed her message to Julian off. CROW: Muddah, faddah, kindly disregard this letter. > With a little searching > she found needles and thonging then sat by Julian's > bedside to begin stitching a message into the hide. MIKE: "Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid my dime and only..." > > When Alis carried Julian out of the hut, and beyond > the perimeter, to lay him to rest there, she returned to > find the gate, and lashed the message stitched in hide to > it. TOM: It read "BLESS THIS MESS". > As she looked back at it, one last time, CROW: She turned into a pillar of salt. > the mark of > the Goddess appeared on the hide forming a border around > her message. TOM: YUCK! The Goddess has been marking her territory! > 'Let all who need shelter - be they Male or Female, > take it here, and those who do should leave it in the > same shape they find it in, so those who follow can seek > shelter here.' MIKE: (Tom Bodet) I'm the Goddess, and we'll leave a light on for ya. > *Go in peace, daughter, nothing shall interfere with > you in my garden from this point on.* CROW: (singing) In the Garden of Eden... > Alis' head came up, 'daughter - not kitling' > > *You are not a child any longer.* TOM: (falsetto) It's time to stop wearing that bib. > ********************************************* > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART EIGHT > ************************************* > > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that > runs concurrently with "The Hunted". > > _____________________________________ > > Standard disclaimers apply. Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. Reprinting > this story in whole or in part is denied without > the permission of Mission Ops Productions first - > except in cases of review. > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. > Send your comments to: henryc@zip.com.au > ____________________________________________________ (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. MIKE is behind the counter, doing those stupid "breathing" exercises they teach in acting classes. CROW is in the foreground, in front of the counter, wearing a beret and monocle. He holds a megaphone.] CROW: All right! Places! Places, everybody! Felistian Chow commercial, Take One. (He ducks off-screen) And... ACTION! (MIKE addresses us in a tone dripping with false warmth and artificial sincerity) MIKE: They say the ancient Egyptians worshipped the cat as a deity. I guess I've taken that idea to its logical extreme. I went and MARRIED one! Come on in here, sweetie. (Someone tosses a stuffed cat onto the counter. From off-screen, CROW throws his voice to make it seem as if the cat is talking.) "CAT": Hi, honey! I hope you don't mind, but I clawed up that new leather sofa you just bought. MIKE: (chuckles amiably) As you can see, Snowball here is no ordinary cat. She's a Felistian... and Felistians have some special needs. That includes choosing the right food. When your cat is capable of abstract thought, a saucer of milk and a dead mouse is just not going to cut it. (MIKE reaches under the counter and pulls out a bag of cat food) MIKE: That's why there's Felistian Chow, the cat food that looks like people food! (MIKE reaches inside the bag and pulls out a plateful of food) "CAT": Mmmmmm! Pheasant under glass! My favorite! MIKE: Of course, it's really just processed herring that's been very cleverly disguised. But Snowball doesn't need to know that. What your Felistian doesn't know won't hurt her. (to the cat) Now you just enjoy that pheasant, sweetheart. "CAT": Oh, I will. MIKE: Don't forget, Felistian Chow is the only Felistian food recommended in the First Mother's uncorrupted laws! (TOM pops up out of the counter, as he did in _MST3K: The Movie_) TOM: Felistian Chow - it brings out the frisky in your spouse! [Planet Bumper] > Throughout the next day, she worked collecting > fruit, game, and vines for Julian's construction. He > worked throughout the day, constructing his fence. ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (28/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:49 GMT Lines: 454 -------- [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > Article 231 of 418 > > Subject: 1st Post - Stolen Memories 9/9 > From: henryc@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop) > Date: 1997/01/11 > Message-Id: <5b7t0s$if0@the-fly.zip.com.au> > Organization: The Zipsters > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > > ================================== > Stolen Memories : > Part Nine - The Conclusion (ALL cheer wildly) > > Alis dragged the litter through the dense wilderness > that surrounded her mother's fortress, MIKE: It's light cat transit. > noting with relief > the less that wild flowers that were mingling with the > undergrowth. TOM: Nature is one big cocktail party. > A sure sign she was within an hour's walk of > her mother's fortress. CROW: The sign along the beltway was also a clue. > "Not far now, Julian," She muttered to the oblivious > young man who lay comatose and near death on the litter > behind her. MIKE: (Julian) Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. > *Faster*. TOM: Pussycat, kill, kill! > Alis grumbled under her breath as the Goddess voice > once more filled her head, urging her to move faster. CROW: Poor Alis must feel like Norman Bates. > The > voice had been making the same command now for days. MIKE: If you build it, they will come... > She > could not have moved any faster if she tried. She was > sorely in need of a long sleep, decent food and rest to > recover her strength. TOM: (Alis) There's never a Holiday Inn where you need one. > She was on the verge of exhaustion. > If she not seen the evidence that she was close to home, CROW: Meaning a big pile of hairballs alongside the road. > she might have been tempted to drop to the ground to curl > up and sleep. MIKE: Finally, something close to being in character for a cat. > She needed to recover some of the strength > she had expended following the Goddesses command to move > faster, always faster. TOM: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them kitties rollin'! > The days of always moving, CROW: That's what happens when Daddy is in the military. > nights of little sleep, > little food, MIKE: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. > for the food she had gathered on leaving the > hut had run out days ago, were starting to have a > cumulative effect. TOM: She was starting to look and sound like Spiro T. Agnew > She passed through the last of the > wilderness into the clearing that was all that remained > between her and her mother's fortress. CROW: And she's tackled on the one yard line. > "Closer than I thought," She remarked aloud. MIKE: So, she has no idea where she lives? > Squaring her shoulders, TOM: So now she has four shoulders. > and adjusting the straps, she > trudged forward with a deep breath, expanding her stride to > cover the distance faster - just as the goddess had urged > her too. (CROW hums the "Volga Boatmen" song) > Voices reached her ears, she couldn't make out what > they were saying. MIKE: They were the voices of Mulder and Scully. > * They've seen you. ALL: RUN!!! > Now you can stop, they will come > to you, and your and your mate shall reach the fortress > faster if you wait for them to come to you. * TOM: (falsetto) They will want a tip, so have a twenty handy. > Alis sank to the ground, CROW: Dive, dive! Awooga! Awooga! > shrugging the straps of the > litter aside and dragged her body to Julian's side to lay > her head on his chest. MIKE: (Red) Let's see, did I forget to include any kind of sex? Oh yeah, I haven't used necrophilia yet! > Her eyes began to drift shut then > sprang open, wide. Her lover's heart beat was weak, ragged, > skipping. TOM: Like a scratchy old vinyl record. > "Goddess," she pleaded. CROW: (Alis) Let me have a boyfriend with rhythm for once! > *He is dying* MIKE: (falsetto) His stand-up act is terrible. > "Please, Goddess, don't let him die," she begged. > *He's not dead, yet.* TOM: (falsetto) He's getting better! > Alis looked around as members of her mothers personal > guard began materialising around her. CROW: (Alis) Oh, so we have transporters. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST BEAMED TO THE STUPID TEMPLE?!? TOM: (guard) You left your communicator in your quarters. CROW: (Alis) Oops. Silly me. > She staggered to her > feet. TOM: (Alis) Is this an intervention? > *Remember, your life test, * the Goddess advised her. > Alis sucked in a deep breath. MIKE: Her life test is to see how long she can hold her breath. > "This manling is my consort - and I place his care in > your hands, CROW: (Alis) So go light on the rape and torture, okay? > see that he gets the medical attention he > requires - should he not - I will have your heads." Alis > said and none of the Empirical guard doubted she meant > every word. TOM: You can't actually PROVE that the guards are there, but you can deduce it to be so. > She remained only long enough to watch the guards take > charge of the litter. MIKE: Passing her life test means passing the buck, I guess. > Turning her attention back to the > fortress she began trudging for the gates. CROW: Oh, she works for Microsoft. > Now Julian's > care was assured she could concentrate on passing the final > stage of her life test, returning to the fortress, as she > had left it - unaided. TOM: Except by those people who helped her. > > By the time she reached the gates, her mother MIKE: Told her she was grounded for staying out so late. > - The > Matriarch was standing in their shadows awaiting her, TOM: For some reason, the Matriarch has started going around asking people what they want. > to > fall upon her, enfolding Alis in a bear hug, all strokes > and purrs of pride and words of relief murmured in her ear. CROW: Tonight, on _Welcome Back, Daughter_... ALL: (singing) Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. > For the first time, Alis became aware of how much her > mother had feared that she would not survive her life test. MIKE: She'd even considered hacking into the school's computer and changing her grade. > The Matriarch's personal priestess was next to Descend on > Alis running a DNA check, TOM: (falsetto) Yep, you've got DNA. > then turned to face the > inhabitants of the Fortress, and guests who had come to the > gates to witness Alis's return. MIKE: So they just stood there for several months waiting for her to show up? And I thought I had no life. > Before this crowd, the > Priestess announced Alis had passed her life test and was > now in the eyes of the Goddess and the law an adult with > all the responsibilities and rewards that came with it. TOM: Legend has it that Red Skye wrote this story with a copy of _Joseph Campbell for Dummies_ on her desk. > Alis' strength gave out and she fainted from sheer > exhaustion into her mothers arm as those gathered cheered > at the pronouncement. ALL: (crowd) Packers! Wooo! > > ******************************* > > From the window of his suite Ambassador Bashir looked > down at gathered crowd, hearing the cheering, the excited > voices announcing Alis' return, and the upcoming > celebration with warring emotions. TOM: We now take you live to a character you haven't seen since Part One. CROW: Ambassador, do you realize that Julian has been missing for 35 weeks? > The part of him that > wished for his sons safe return - which was sure that was > never going to happen was insanely jealous of the Matriarch > at that moment in time. MIKE: (Ambassador) WHY did I send the Keystone Cops to look for Julian? > Then another, saner portion of his > brain was glad that the girl had survived. The gladness he > felt was born out of a fervent hope that Julian had not > been any near as careful as he should have been with the > girl, that there might be a child as a result of their > youthful passion. TOM: I guess "saner" means having a better understanding of what's in your own selfish interest. > A grandson with Julian's big brown > eyes so like his mothers. CROW: In fact, they WERE his mother's. AAAHHHHH!!! > God, how he wished he were home, to find comfort in > his wife's arms. MIKE: (singing) I miss the Earth so much, I miss my wife... > To let the tears he'd been holding back > with a super human effort flow. TOM: Kinda defeats the point of Stoicism. > To sob in her arms like a > child. CROW: (Ambassador, sobbing) Why didn't my parents ever give me a name? > > He saw Alis collapse limply in her mother's arms, MIKE: Alis has been hanging out with Julian too long. She's starting to pick up some of his bad habits. > watched as the Felistians gathered around and carried the > exhausted young girl - no woman - TOM: (Ambassador) She's no woman, that's for damn sure. > he corrected himself - > into the fortress proper and out of his sight. He turned > away from the window heaving a melancholy sigh, CROW: Look out, he's defenestrating! > making a > mental reminder to himself to visit the young woman in the > fortress's infirmary soon to offer his congratulations on > passing her life test and perhaps, as discretely as > possible learn if she carried his son's child. MIKE: (Ambassador) Uh... how can I put this delicately... did my boy knock you up? > *************************************** > > The Felistian Medical worked as fast as possible to > try and stabilise the young male, but their knowledge of > his species was limited. TOM: Tonight, on a very special _ER_... > The Head Doctor sent for a guard > dispatching him to the Matriarch to inform her of the > manlings critical condition and deliver a request for the > services of her Consort the Human Male Alistair. MIKE: They needed him to apologize to the audience for saving Julian's life back in the harem. > Before the guard returned with news of Alistair's > vanishment the manling had died. CROW: Oh, great. Now he'll have an out-of-body experience, to go with his out-of-character experience. > They were turning away > ready to leave it at that when the Guard returned with the > Matriarch's message regarding Alistair - and the threat of > death to all the Medical staff if the young manling died. TOM: So they propped his dead body up and told everyone that he was just really tired. > > The activity among the manling resumed at frantic > speed as the medical staff began resuscitation and basic > stabilisation procedures. MIKE: So they don't even TRY to help a patient until their necks are on the line? Red, do you have some issues with the medical profession? > The threat was enough. The > Matriarch was not one to issue idle threats. CROW: She wouldn't dream of threatening Eric Idle. > > *********************************** > > The Matriarch paced her room, until with little > ceremony the guard returned to inform her that her message > had been delivered, and the Manling had been given the > treatment necessary to drag him back from the very brink > of death. She was informed also, that his injuries > were such, that he may never fully recover. CROW: He was destined to become a whiny doctor with no social skills. > She blanched > under her fur as the list of injuries the manling had was > reported to her. TOM: (singing) Twelve gaping flesh wounds, eleven purple bruises, ten cuts a-bleeding, nine bones a-broken, eight organs punctured, seven digits missing, six teeth a-swallowed, FIVE FESTERING SORES, four compound factures, three stab wounds, two broken limbs, and a huge freaking hole in his knee! > Such brutality, how could she return him to his > father, MIKE: She could leave him on the doorstep, ring the bell, and run away. > when such injuries would lead to recriminations and > accusations she was little prepared to divert to the one > who deserved them. CROW: Red Skye? > Then all her worries were swept aside as the guard > delivered the report on her precious heir - now officially, > the Prime Heir. TOM: And, not as officially, Queen of Polka. > "She is with Child, Matriarch," the guard reported, MIKE: (guard) The child is shivering in the cold. We must bring him silver and gold. > with a smile as she watched this news sink into the > Matriarch's head. CROW: It's like waiting for paint to dry. > The Matriarch spun around and began bouncing around > the room, purring in pleasure at the news, TOM: She's doing a Snoopy dance. > Julian's > condition forgotten - what did it matter if he lived or > died now, he had served his purpose. MIKE: A message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Planet Bumper] ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC Awards Repost: MiSTed: Stolen Memories (29/29) From: Rottweiler Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 16:24:24 GMT Lines: 884 -------- [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are behind the counter.] CROW: Mike, I've been wondering something. MIKE: What's that, Crow? CROW: Well, we never learn what Julian's dad was doing on Felistia. Why would an ambassador be sent there? MIKE: I think I have a pretty good idea. CROW: You do? MIKE: Yeah. Diplomatic missions are all pretty much the same. (The music from "The Candy Man" begins to play) MIKE: Who can meet some aliens who'd like to kill you And placate the scum with a treaty or two? Julian's dad, Julian's dad can. Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies And makes peace look good. Who can meet some aliens who want to see us die And make sure they don't come and swat us like a fly? Julian's dad, Julian's dad can. Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies And makes peace look good. Julian's dad makes humans seem like snakes, Lying and malicious, For peace is all that he wishes, So we don't sleep with the fishes. Who can tell lies that bring no sorrow and hardly seem mean, Ones that let us live to see tomorrow and stay in the galactic scene? Julian's dad, Julian's dad can. Julian's dad can 'cause he tells them lots of lies, And makes peace look good. And peace looks good, 'Cause humanity thinks it should... (The music stops) MIKE: Does that answer your question? CROW: It sure does, Mike. (Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium) TOM: Fanfic sign! [Dog Bone] [Door 6] [Door 5] [Door 4] [Door 3] [Door 2] [Door 1] [SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.] > > *************************************** > > Alis watched her smiling mother approach, and before > her mother could launch into her congratulations, CROW: The fanfic ended early, much to the relief of a temp and his two robot pals. > Alis > wiped the smile off her face, TOM: (Sargeant) Wipe that smile of your face, cadet! > by first inquiring about > Julian's condition, MIKE: (Matriarch) Uh, he's fine. He has life insurance, right? > and then demanding that he be given the > very best of treatment - as befitted her consort. CROW: (Alis) No more of that generic litter for his litter box. I demand Fresh Step! > The Prime Matriarch's fur stood on end TOM: She'd never recovered from french kissing that light socket. > as her daughter > outlined exactly how she expected her consort to be > treated, MIKE: She had never realized that her daughter was such a stirring orator. > and then before the Prime Matriarch could even > begin to gather her shocked wits together Alis produced a > scroll. CROW: It proclaims the Wicked Witch of the East to officially be dead. > "The First Mother herself gave this to me, Mother, it > is an uncorrupted copy of her laws. TOM: (Alis) Be careful not to smudge it. > Before you tell me what > I demand is against all law and tradition - I suggest you > read it - and remember this. MIKE: (Casey Kasem) Remember to keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. > The Goddess herself gave me > these laws - She will no longer let you and others > perpetuate the atrocities committed against sentient men." CROW: (Alis) John Tesh, however, is fair game. > The Prime Matriarch left the infirmary shocked into > speechless all other thought driven away by her daughters > words. TOM: (Matriarch) I guess this means no more using sentient men as hammocks. > > *********************************** > > By night fall the Prime Matriarch had read and reread > the First Mothers uncorrupted laws, MIKE: And submitted her review to the New York Times. > and compared them to > the laws as they stood, twice over. CROW: (falsetto) There's not a word in here about eminent domain! > She thought of her > beloved Alistair, Alis' father. TOM: She thought about the adorable way he belched at the dinner table. > If she gave his precious > daughter the permission she'd requested, to bring these > uncorrupted laws of the First Mother to the attention of > the council, and shoved it down their throats, MIKE: They'd gag. > as her first > act as the Prime Heir - then at last she could be with her > Beloved Alistair - in the same way their Precious daughter > wished to be with her beloved Julian. CROW: This story takes place in the era of "Separate and not even pretending to be Equal". > That he would be located was never in doubt as far as > she was concerned, some clan sister had found him as much > a delight to procreate with as she had. TOM: Nine out of ten horny Felistians prefer Alistair for all their procreating needs. > Now, as her > consort, there would be no need to confine their time > together to those times when she could make time to visit > the Harem and claim her procreational rights. MIKE: Hey, procreation's not a right. It's a privilege, and don't you forget it. > > These thoughts brought her mind back to her daughter's > decision to make Julian her consort. CROW: (falsetto) Was she on crack that day? > The male's future was > still in doubt. TOM: (Julian) I don't need to go to college! > The Matriarch was unsure what to do. MIKE: (falsetto) Perhaps I should write to Dear Abby. > If she > did not inform his father, there would be no Medical > treatment from those who knew how to treat a critical > Terran male unlike her Medical staff, whose expertise was > healing only the most minor injuries a Harem slave received > in the course of his day. CROW: And - breathe. MIKE: They do love their run-on sentences, don't they? > Those with major wounds were > always simply left to die of their injuries. TOM: Life under a socialist health care system. > Then again, her people had stabilised him, though he > was comatose and showed no sign of rousing from that state, > there was the chance he would do so. CROW: If he heard the ice cream truck driving by. > If she told the manling's father of his plight, he was > sure to take him MIKE: To the carnival and buy him cotton candy. > - leave this world with him, never to > return, and then her precious daughter would lose her > consort. That was to be avoided. TOM: So was _Highlander II: The Quickening_. > The decision was made, the manling's father would not > be told that his son had been returned to the them or of > his condition. CROW: He also wouldn't be told that his Buick had been totalled. > As far as he was concerned, the manling was > dead. Why complicate the matter by telling him otherwise. MIKE: Sure, the truth is out there, but who needs it? > > ************************************** > > Ambassador Bashir fell to his knee's at Alis' beside TOM: (Ambassador) Alis, will you marry me? > and the tears he had held back burst forth in a storm of > mixed emotions at the news of his sons rescue, his > condition, how close he was to death. > Alis watched him weep, then reached out to touch him. CROW: Alis guest stars on _Touched by an Angel_. > He looked up. > "There is much we must discuss Ambassador," She > announced. MIKE: (Alis) Where do you think interest rates are headed? > "My son, where is he, I must... TOM: (Ambassador) GIVE ME BACK MY SON! > "I will tell you where to find him, Ambassador, but > first CROW: A puppet show! MIKE: Oh, for fun! > - I must have your word, you will not leave this > place before we have spoken on matters that require urgent > discussion." TOM: (Alis) Does this dress make me look fat? > Though it was the very last thing he wanted to > promise, he gave his word, desperation to see his son again > bringing the words of agreement pouring from his lips. CROW: As well as a veritable waterfall of drool. > Alis > told him where Julian would be found, and as he rose, she > took hold of his wrist to stop him from bolting to find his > son. MIKE: (Alis) Not so fast, young ambassador. You haven't eaten all your lima beans. > "Ambassador, I am soon to be a mother." > That stopped him dead, he didn't even attempt to pull > away. > "There has been no other man or manling for over a > year prior to - or after Julian. TOM: (singing) The only boy who ever nailed me was the son of a diplomat. MIKE: Bit of a stretch there, Tom. > He is their father, and > that is what we must discuss." CROW: She has to explain the birds and the bees to him. > This time when Julian's father gave his word to return > to discuss things with her, he meant it and she didn't > doubt that he'd return. TOM: But just to be sure, she kept his car keys as collateral. > He remained at the bedside. > "Do you love him?" He asked her? MIKE: Don't ask me, you guys are the authors. > Alis understood what the Terran term love was now, and > nodded. CROW: (Ambassador) Feed his sheep. > "My life would be.. empty without him and I would give > up all that I have, my rank, TOM: (Alis) I'm an Admiral on alt.starfleet.rpg, you know. CROW: Tom, I thought you only made Captain. TOM: Hey! Have you been reading my posts again? CROW: I'm not telling. MIKE: This has been a shameless plug for _Star Trek meets the Three Little Pigs_. Thank you. > my people, my world to be with > him always, CROW: (singing) I love him, I love him, I love him, And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow... > as he has stated his willingness to do for TOM: A klondike bar. > me, > many times," she replied with total honesty. MIKE: As opposed to the partial honesty ambassadors are familiar with. > A voice in her head reminded her of her duty and she > looked away from the Ambassador who looked ready to begin > a new storm of weeping. CROW: A hurricane warning has been posted for Ambassador Bashir and surrounding vicinities. TOM: (Ambassador) I can't help it! Hallmark Hall of Fame movies always make me cry! > "But I have a duty to my people to preform before I > can even contemplate such action, MIKE: (Alis) I must check this fanfic for obvious spelling errors. > and that is what we have > to discuss, now, please go. CROW: (Alis) We have urgent things that need to be discussed right now! So go away! > Julian needs better care than > he can receive here and the longer it takes for it to be > delivered the graver his condition will be," She told him. TOM: You know, guys, I'm really getting into this story. I am deeply interested in what happens next. Sure, we know Julian will survive, unfortunately, but then what? What's going to happen to Alis when she begins her Crusade to change her culture? MIKE: You're crazy, Tom. I've already had more than enough of Buffy the Empire Slayer and that "tradition is bad" mantra. > He nodded backing up, to spin and bolt from the room > in search of his son. CROW: And the snack bar. > END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART NINE > > ****************************************** CROW: The HELL?!? MIKE: That's not a conclusion! TOM: Yeah! Will Alis be excommunicated? Will she commit suicide to avoid bearing Julian's children? Will half of the dramatis personae ever get names? Who shot J.R.? > The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story that runs > concurrently with "The Hunted". MIKE: I think we can find the answers in _The Hunted_, guys. TOM: Forget it, I don't need to know THAT badly! > _______________________________________ CROW: (singing) Like the Red Skye at night, headful of crazy ideas... > > Standard disclaimers apply. MIKE: (singing) Holding your head high, Against the Red Skye... > Characters copyrighted > by Paramount. TOM: (singing) Why is there blue sky, Why is there Red Skye? > Alis, Alistair and Felistians are > copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions. CROW: (singing) I lie dead gone under Red Skye... MIKE: HEY! Don't be so pessimistic! > Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions. TOM: (singing) Red Skye burnin', Won't be no returnin'. So long. > Reprinting this story in whole or in part is denied > without the permission of Mission Ops Productions - > except in cases of review. CROW: (singing) The very next sound you feel, Will be the low Red Skye bleeding... > > Send your comments to: 'henryc@zip.com.au' > ___________________________________________________ MIKE: Remember, if someone steals YOUR memories, don't take the law into your own hands, you take them to court. (TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the theater.) [Door 1] [Door 2] [Door 3] [Door 4] [Door 5] [Door 6] [Dog Bone] [SOL Bridge. TOM and CROW are behind the counter. There is a sheet of paper on the counter. MIKE enters.] TOM: Hey there, Nellie Nelson. My good friend Crow and I decided that since _Stolen Memories_ lacks a conclusion, we needed to write one ourselves. Will you do the honor of reading it? MIKE: I'd be glad to. (MIKE picks up the sheet of paper and begins reading) MIKE: In the cold blackness of space near the Felistian homeworld, Berserkers appeared. They were soon joined by the Kzinti and Vogons. Then the Shadows, Vorlons, the Empire, and the Borg joined the massive armada encircling the planet like a swarm of locusts. Meanwhile, Fred Saberhagen, Larry Niven, Douglas Adams, J. Michael Straczynski, George Lucas, and Gene Roddenberry sat on the bridge of another ship. "I'm glad we were able to use our creations for a noble purpose" said Saberhagen as the armada erased the Felistians from the universe. Everyone nodded in agreement. (MIKE starts to cry and puts the paper down) MIKE: Guys, that's really beautiful. I just wish it were real. TOM: So do we, Mike. So do we. (MIKE puts an arm around each of the BOTS) CROW: Hrmph. I still say that we could have slipped the Achuultani, the Xeelee, and the Draka in there somewhere. MIKE: Hush, Crow. (The red light flashes) TOM: Judas, Brutus, and Cassius are calling. MIKE: So they are. (hits button) [Castle Forrester. OBSERVER is sitting behind a desk. A tall woman with long red hair, blue-green eyes and glasses is sitting in a chair to his left, as in the host/guest setup on any late night talk show. The woman has a notebook on her lap and a pencil in her hand. PEARL comes on-screen and stands in front of them.] PEARL: Ah, Admiral Lard Nelson. What did you and the Wonder Twins think of _Stolen Memories_? [SOL Bridge. The BOTS are wearing sweaters and sport coats. MIKE has disappeared.] CROW: I can't recommend it. TOM: I can't recommend it either, Gene. (MIKE pops up from behind the counter, wearing a suit, glasses and a fake gray beard) MIKE: I give it two and a half stars. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: That's nice. Well, I know that particular fanfic raised a lot of questions, like "Is there a God?" and "If so, how can He allow stories like _Stolen Memories_ to exist?". So I got Cracklin' Oat Brain to bring one of the guilty parties here to answer some of those questions. (Walks off-screen) OBSERVER: (facing the screen) Our guest today is Red Skye, fanfic author and head of Mission Ops Productions. We'll be talking to her about the story _Stolen Memories_. (OBSERVER turns to face Red) RED: (writing in her notebook) Bashir looked into her eyes and-- (OBSERVER looks annoyed and clears his throat. Red looks up, then closes her notebook and puts her pencil down.) OBSERVER: I'm glad you could join us. RED: I'm glad to be here. OBSERVER: My first question is, are you the one who came up with the concept for _Stolen Memories_? RED: Yes. OBSERVER: What was your inspiration? RED: My cat. [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS have ditched the movie critic outfits and are back to their normal attire, or, in the case of the Bots, lack of attire. Mike is speaking while writing on a sheet of paper.] MIKE: Cats... are... evil. Got it. [Castle Forrester] OBSERVER: I see. Did he come up with an outline, or just say "Meow. Write a story about cat-like aliens. Meow."? And how often does your cat speak to you, anyway? RED: Nope, I just thought I'd write a story with aliens with feline characteristics. We invented the species and ran with it. OBSERVER: Why is Julian Bashir the protagonist of the story? It seems it would have worked with almost anyone. RED: Because he's cute. OBSERVER: So you gave him a verbally abusive father and physically abusive mother, let him be raped and tortured for three days, gang raped by aliens with barbed phalli, forced into sex slavery, smothered, nearly killed by a savage beast and raped and tortured for nine weeks, all because you find him attractive? (OBSERVER turns to face the screen) OBSERVER: Ladies and gentleman, if you hear any screams of agony in the immeadiate future, do not be alarmed. It will merely be the sound of men mutilating themselves, so that Red Skye won't think they are "cute". [SOL Bridge] TOM: That's not how you do an interview! Let me ask the questions! [Castle Forrester] (OBSERVER stands up, looking annoyed) OBSERVER: (angrily) I'd like to see you do better. (OBSERVER uses his brain power and TOM appears in his seat) RED: (writing) She ran her fingers along Bashir's stiff-- (OBSERVER clears his throat again) RED: Sorry. TOM: Red Skye, if that IS your real name, WHY ARE SEVERAL OF THE MAJOR CHARACTERS NEVER NAMED? RED: I couldn't think up names for them. TOM: Wouldn't the Felistians go extinct if sex was so painful for them? RED: A, It's painful for cats, but their still prolific creatures, aren't they? B, When they worked out it could be possible and pleasurable for them to breed with men of other species, i.e. humanoids, they started abducting men of those species to breed with. TOM: Why didn't the Felistians try breeding with slithers? Their chances of success would have been infinitely better! (sighs) Anyway, what was Ambassador Bashir doing during all those months Julian was missing? RED: His job, being diplomatic and doing what he went there to do. TOM: And he didn't nuke the planet when he found out his son had been kidnapped? RED: No. TOM: Okay, next question. Is that Goddess character an actual deity, a Q-like entity, or something else? RED: Something else. TOM: What? RED: Well that's another story, _Vortex: New Day_. PEARL: (off-screen) Has that one been posted yet? RED: (to PEARL) No. TOM: And finally, if there are wilderbeasts, are there wildestbeasts? RED: No. OBSERVER: Are you finished? TOM: Yeah, I guess so. (TOM disappears and reappears on the SOL bridge) TOM: Hey! I didn't want to be sent back! (curses under his breath) CROW: You know, I think we've learned some valuable lessons today, guys. MIKE: Really? And what might those be? CROW: Any two species can interbreed, people don't get angry when their children are kidnapped, not all stories have endings, and, most importantly... FELISTIANS ARE EVIL! MIKE: You said it, Crow. [Castle Forrester. RED is writing something in her notebook. JULIUS CAESAR, played by Paul Chaplin, walks on-screen. He is dressed in a white tunic, purple toga, and red boots. He is holding an Orange Julius. RED closes her notebook, stands up and turns to leave.] CAESAR: How dare you make someone whose name is derived from mine an idiot! (CAESAR pulls out a dagger and plunges it into RED's chest, piercing her heart. The notebook falls from her hand to fall to the floor, she staggers back a step, looking positively amazed.) RED: Et tu, Caesar? (RED drops dead. CAESAR removes his dagger and wipes it clean on RED's clothes.) CAESAR: Well, back to Britain. (CAESAR takes a drink of his Orange Julius) CAESAR: I won't have to kill whoever invented this. (walks off-screen) [SOL Bridge. MIKE and the BOTS are shocked.] MIKE: Well, that was unexpected. CROW: Yeah, tell me about it. I thought for sure that Larry Niven would be the one to kill her. TOM: Really? I was betting on Andrew Lloyd Webber. MIKE: Speaking of cats, whatever happened to Senchy? CROW: Oh, he's in Tom's room, watching _Sailor Moon_ tapes. He seems to really like that show. TOM: Uh-oh, that means... (The SENSUALIST leaps on-screen from stage right. He is wearing a sailor suit.) SENCHY: I am a Sailor Senchy! [Fade to credits] (MIKE and the BOTS groan) (Mighty Science Theater begins to play as the planet appears) Created by JOEL HODGSON Produced and Directed by MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN - crazyguy@cnnw.net Written by !JOE BLEVINS ----------------- joeblev@concentric.net Head Writer JOHN BERRY ------------------ berry@sugar-river.net *MATTHEW BLACKWELL ----------- mblackwl@ix.netcom.com ?ANTAEUS FELDSPAR ------------ feldspar@cryogen.com *BILL LIVINGSTON ------------- bill@Traveller.COM MATTHEW MILLER -------------- mattm@infinet.com JOHN W. NOWAK --------------- John_W_Nowak@att.net ~AMANDA OHLIN ---------------- weird_web@hotmail.com !MELVIN POLLACK -------------- mpollack@wam.umd.edu MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN Edited by MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN Co-Edited by MATTHEW BLACKWELL ANTAEUS FELDSPAR Featuring Crow T. Robot BILL CORBETT Gypsy PATRICK BRANTSEG Mike Nelson MICHAEL J. NELSON Tom Servo KEVIN MURPHY Cambot KEVIN MURPHY Also Featuring Observer BILL CORBETT Pearl Forrester MARY JO PEHL Professor Bobo KEVIN MURPHY And John Evil JIM MALLON Felistian BRIDGET JONES Winston MICHAEL J. NELSON Alistair REDD FOXX The Sensualist PAUL CHAPLIN Ned the Nanite KEVIN MURPHY Corvustian #1 JIM MALLON Corvustian #2 KEVIN MURPHY Corvustian #3 PATRICK BRANTSEG Corvustian #4 JIM MALLON Alis BETH "BEEZ" McKEEVER Donald Swerdlow BILL CORBETT Julius Caesar PAUL CHAPLIN With Special Guest Star RED SKYE As herself Evil Enterprises Products by EVIL OVERLORD, INC. Fursuits by DAVID LETTERMAN One If by LAND Two If by SEA MST3K Love Theme Music CHARLIE ERICKSON JOEL HODGSON Lyrics MELVIN POLLACK "Julian's Dad" Lyrics MICHAEL "ROTTWEILER" WALLEN Special Thanks to BEST BRAINS, INC. MISSION OPS PRODUCTIONS ALL MISTIES WORLDWIDE Check Out Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 At http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ is owned by Paramount. Alistair Mender, Alistairyen, the Felistians, and the story _Stolen Memories_ are copyrighted by Mission Ops Productions. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only. No infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Paramount, or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This MiSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by Best Brains, Inc. It should not be viewed as a personal attack on Red Skye (although I think the sky should remain blue) or any other member of Mission Ops Productions. All jabs directed at them are meant purely in jest and should not be taken seriously. Any resemblence to actual persons, living or dead, would really suprise me. This MiSTing may be distributed freely as long as nothing is added to or deleted from it, the writers are credited, and this disclaimer remains intact. No Felistians were harmed during the making of this MiSTing. Shortly afterward, however, a ball of yarn the size of Texas collided with their homeworld, destroying it. And there was much rejoicing, yay. JULIAN "Terran males are not the brainless pets your men are." ALIS "It's not a slave collar, Julian, it's a Consort's collar." AMBASSADOR BASHIR "I think you've got just enough grey matter under that thick skull of yours to work that out for yourself." DE SADE "This is fun." ALISTAIR "I took an oath to never cause intentional harm to another sentient." THE SENSUALIST "I can also sing." THE FIRST MOTHER "Take this, study it, it is my law - uncorrupted by those who presume to know what my wishes are and interpret my words to suit their own purposes." > Alis carried him to the double bed, ready to lay him > down on it, then stopped dead in her tracks when she saw > the evidence that he'd been rapped on that bed. Produced in association with the Dibs List