Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 1, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. Author's Note: This MiSTing is just something I thought would be a fun project. I have nothing but the highest amount of respect for both MST3K and the Star Wars trilogy, and this work is intended as nothing more than a loving, sappy, drippy tribute to both. It may be distributed freely, as long as nothing (including this paragraph) is modified in any way, and no money (HA!) is charged for copies. This script features the characters of MST3K's late-fifth/early-sixth season, which is my favorite cast: Dr. F and Frank are still here, Mike has taken over as the host, and Pearl has not yet made an appearance; still, I've taken a few liberties. Mike and the Bots make references to some MST events (like Mike's wanton destruction of planets) which hadn't yet happened at the time this episode is set. My response to this is: it's just a script. You should really just relax. Thanks and Hi Keeba, -JB -------------------------------- MST3K THEME SONG (LATE FIFTH SEASON), FOLLOWED BY THE DOORWAY SEQUENCE. INT: BRIDGE OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE - OUTER SPACE. Tom Servo, Crow and Gypsy are typing on word processors (or at least we hear typing sounds, even though their arms aren't moving). Tom sings 'Paperback Writer' softly to himself as he writes. Mike Nelson, wearing a big button that says 'Judge', wanders from one computer to the next, observing what each Bot is typing. He points to Servo's screen. MIKE: Typo there, Tom. SERVO: Whoops. Thanks. Mike looks up and sees that Cambot is filming. MIKE: Oh hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and behind me are the Bots. We just read a press release saying Star Wars is being reissued in movie theaters with all new scenes and special effects, and it really excited us. To celebrate, the Bots thought they'd have a contest to see who could write the best "Special Edition" version of another classic film. He turns to the Bots. MIKE: So who'd like to go first? GYPSY: Oh, me! Me! Meeeeeeeeeeee! MIKE: Okay, Gypsy. Now, which movie did you choose to update? GYPSY: Ooo! I chose the film Casablanca. MIKE: Excellent choice, Gypsy! Like Star Wars, Casablanca is a huge part of American pop culture. So what did you change? GYPSY: Well, I took out all the scenes with that Humphrey Bogart fellow. He scares me. MIKE: Uhm. Well gee, Gypsy... he *is* the star of the film. He appears in most of the scenes... GYPSY: Right! So after I took all of them out, I had plenty of room left to add new footage. MIKE: Hmm. What did you add? GYPSY [excited]: Home movies of Richard Basehart! MIKE: Ah. Hmm. GYPSY: Plus, I updated some of the dialogue. [She clears her throat and reads]: 'Play it again, Basehart.' And 'This could be the start of a beautiful Richard.' And 'We'll always have Richard Basehart...' [She is about to continue when Mike interrupts.] MIKE: I think we get the idea. Thanks, Gypsy. GYPSY [dreamily]: Ooo, Richard Basehart... Mike walks over to Tom Servo. MIKE: Okay, Tom. Show us what you've been working on. SERVO: Well Mike, I've always been disappointed with Steven Spielburg's 1975 film, Jaws. Sure, it may have been scary when it first came out, but audiences today are jaded. We feel hollow and empty unless we get to see mind-numbing special effects. MIKE: Which you're providing with your new script? SERVO: Precisely. In Jaws: The Special Edition, I've equipped the shark with torpedoes and nuclear missiles, and also given him the ability to shapeshift. MIKE: Wow! Very creative, Tom. SERVO [continuing]: His skin is made of helium-lined titanium, so it's impenetrable yet buoyant. MIKE: Great! Well, thanks... SERVO: And of course, he's been upgraded to a V6 engine with full anti-lock brakes, cruise control and CD changer! MIKE: Yes, yes. Thank... SERVO: I added a speech module, so he's capable of hurling insults if he's attacked, and his brain is greater than that of ten Einsteins! Mike gives up trying to talk to Servo and walks over to Crow. We can faintly hear Tom continuing to talk about his changes to the shark's design. He apparently hasn't noticed that Mike has left. MIKE: Crow? CROW: Well Mike, I chose a more contemporary film to update. MIKE: Oh? Which movie is that? CROW: The First Wives' Club. MIKE: Huh? Crow, you've gotta be kidding! That was a *lousy* film. CROW: I know, but my script changes have made it better. MIKE: Well, that wouldn't be hard. [He looks through Crow's manuscript.] Wait a minute, Crow... all these pages are blank! CROW: Exactly. Don't you agree my script is better than the one they shot the original movie from? MIKE: [thinks, then realises Crow is right] Wow, great work, Crow! [He takes a blue ribbon from his pocket and sticks it on Crow's chest.] First prize. Mike walks back over to Tom. MIKE: Tom, Crow won the contest. Would you like to congratulate him? SERVO [continuing]: And my favorite part is, I replaced the shark's eyes with antimatter lasers, so they can blast through any boat pursuing him. And another great feature is... The commercial sign light flashes. MIKE: Not a minute too soon. We'll be right back. He hits the button. We have several commercials advertising the Special Edition of the Star Wars trilogy. The final commercial is another installment in the exciting adventures of "Manos: The Freshmaker!" As we come back from commercial sign, Servo continues to drone on and on. Gypsy is "asleep" (her flashlight-eye is off), and Mike and Crow aren't doing much better. SERVO [continuing]: And I haven't even gotten to the cool stuff yet. The shark is psychic, so he KNOWS if you're coming after him! And if you come after him anyway, he bills your credit card $3.99 a minute! Of course, the first ten minutes are free... The Mads' light flashes. MIKE [waking up]: Hang on, Tom. Lady Elaine and Henrietta Pussycat are calling. [He hits the button.] INT: DEEP 13 - DARK AND DINGY. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing in the lab of Deep 13. Cut back and forth between Deep 13 and the Satellite of Love during this conversation. DR. F: Ah, hello Mike. So, you and your little piles of plastic like the idea of "Special Editions" of classic films, do you? MIKE: Well, sure. I mean, added footage can only HELP a film, right? SERVO: What about a special edition version of Manos? Crow screams at the idea. Mike, who didn't join the show until after 'Manos', looks confused. Dr. F laughs evilly. Frank's eyes grow wide with horror at the mere mention of the word 'Manos', and he collapses to the floor in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. DR. F: Frank? [He bends down.] Are you dead again? [Dr. F shrugs.] Oh well, no matter. Well, booby, I'm about to show you just how bad a special edition can be! But first, the invention exchange. MIKE: Okay. Our invention this week pays homage to the Star Wars mania sweeping the United States. It combines the light- sabers used by Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader with my favorite candy, Life Savers! The result? Mike pulls what looks like a flashlight from his pocket. CROW: The Lifesaber! Mike presses a button on the flashlight-device. Immediately a beam of colorful candy extends itself from the handle. Mike waves it about, and Cambot provides "lightsaber" noises as Mike does so. CROW: The lifesaber allows you to generate candy no matter where you are, thanks to its small, convenient package. Runs on 300 'C' batteries. Not for use by children under 75. SERVO: Whaddya think, Sirs? DR. F: An interesting concept, my little marsupials. But let me show you how true creative genius works! [Frank has stumbled to his feet in the interim and once again stands beside the Doctor.] To keep the Star Wars motif going, let's think about the classic scene where Luke encounters the Imperial Stormtroopers as he drives into Mos Eisley. If you recall, Obi-Wan uses the Force [Dr. F waves his fingers mystically in the air], and the guards let them pass without incident. FRANK: That's why we've invented... Force in the Box! [Frank picks up a large box from the floor and sits it on the table.] First of all, it comes with this nifty 'Force Transmission Helmet' [he pulls out a large helmet, which looks like a 1950s-era hair-dryer with cardboard knobs and a radio antenna, and puts it on]. Then, we take out the trusty 'Force Transmission Microphone' [he takes a microphone from the box]. By wearing the helmet and talking into the mike, you can control the mind of anyone in the near vicinity. [Frank peers at Dr. Forrester intently and speaks into the mike.] Steeeeeeeve! You will do my bidding. Make me a sandwich! Dr. F looks at Frank for several seconds, then reaches over and slaps him with a rolled-up newspaper. He rips the microphone from Frank's hands. DR. F: Will you GIVE ME THAT? [Frank scampers away. Dr. F turns back to the camera.] It's funny that both of our inventions were Star Wars-related, my little Goomba, since that's your movie this week. MIKE [excited]: What? We're going to watch Star Wars? That's GREAT! Thanks, Doctor Forrester! Servo and Crow exclaim 'Oh Boy's and 'Yay's, etc. DR. F: Oh, don't thank me yet, my little consolation prize. You see, this isn't the classic version of Star Wars that we all know and love. Oh no. You'll be watching [dramatic pause] the new SPECIAL EDITION version of the film. [evil laugh] That's right, Mike. Pointless scenes restored for absolutely no reason whatsoever! I'm talking about Jabba the Hutt, and more shallow character development involving Luke Skywalker, wimp of the Galaxy. Enjoy the film... if you can! Frank appears behind Dr. F, still wearing the helmet and holding a new microphone. FRANK [into the mike]: Steeeeeeeeeeeeeve..... Dr. F throws the camera a "Why me?" look and pushes the button. On the SoL, lights flash and alarms blare. MIKE AND THE BOTS: Aaaa! We got movie sign! Everyone runs around frantically. Mike hits the button, and we see the doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Mike and the Bots enter the theater. > A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away... MIKE [as he sits down]: I hope this doesn't hurt too much, guys. > STAR WARS CROW: Your complete strategic defense system. > Episode IV: A NEW HOPE > A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main titles. > War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity: > It is a period of civil war. SERVO [Southern voice]: The south will rise again, boys! > Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory > against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed > to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, MIKE: The super-soaker. > the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an > entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia > races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save SERVO: Her hair-do. > her people and restore freedom to the galaxy... > The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse. A tiny > silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of > the ship, races through space. MIKE: And now, another episode of Pigs in Spaaaaaaaaaaaace... > It is pursed by a giant Imperial Stardestroyer. Hundreds of deadly > laserbolts streak from the Imperial Stardestroyer, causing the main solar > fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate. An explosion rocks the ship as two > robots, Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their > way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. > THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be > destroyed for sure. This is madness! > Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main > passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door. CROW [as the troopers]: Freeze, door! > THREEPIO: We're doomed! There'll be no escape for the Princess this time. > The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast > opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored > spacesuited stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. [Mike and the Bots make coughing sounds. Mike waves his hands, as if trying to clear the air.] > Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in > sight. > THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you? > A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots little > Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. CROW [as C-3PO]: Artoo! I've told you, no pot smoking whilst you're on duty! > A beautiful young girl stands in front of Artoo. She finishes adjusting > something on Artoo's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins > his companion. > THREEPIO: At last! Where have you been? SERVO [as R2D2]: Well, I nipped away for a quick bite to eat, then took a majestic sight-seeing tour of this quadrant, followed by tea and crumpets. [angrily] I'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK, GOLDEN BOY? > THREEPIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll > be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows what! > Artoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. Threepio > chases after him. > THREEPIO: Wait a minute, where are you going? SERVO [as R2D2]: To play hopscotch and tap dance. Stop asking stupid questions! > Artoo responds with electronic beeps. > The evil Darth Vader stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. > He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck. MIKE [as the Rebel Officer]: Hey, that feels great! My neck has been hurting all morning! SERVO: Dark Chiropractor of the Sith. > IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Death Star plans are not in the main computer. > Vader squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles in vain. > VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? > Vader lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat. CROW [as the Rebel Officer]: Ahhh! Now the back pain I've been feeling is fading, too. Can I recommend you to my friends? Do you have a card? > VADER: What have you done with those plans? > REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a consular > ship. We're on a diplomatic mission. > VADER: If this is a consular ship...where is the Ambassador? > The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins > to squeeze the officer's throat. Vader tosses the dead soldier > against the wall. MIKE [as the Rebel Officer]: Ah, and now my spine just untangled itself! I haven't felt this good in months! Thank you, Dr. Vader. > VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and > bring me the Ambassador. I want SERVO: A pony. > her alive! > The stormtroopers scurry into the subhallways. > The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the stormtroopers search > through the ship. She is Princess Leia Organa, a member of the Alderaan > Senate. One of the troopers spots her. > TROOPER: There she is! Stun her! CROW [as a trooper]: Shall I drop my pants, sir? > Leia steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser > pistol. She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers > inspect her inert body. SERVO [as a trooper]: Just as I thought. Her hair is made entirely of cinnamon buns. > TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner. CROW [screaming]: LORD VADER!!! WE HAVE A PRISONER!!! MIKE [as the Trooper]: *I* could've done that. > Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the > seal on the main latch. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the > cramped four-man pod. > THREEPIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. CROW: All rights reserved. > You'll be deactivated for sure.. > Artoo beeps something to him. > THREEPIO: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of > grease! Now come out before somebody sees you. > Artoo whistles something at his reluctant friend. > THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? SERVO [as C3PO]: What script? > What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there! > Artoo isn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs > angrily. A new explosion, this time very close. Threepio joins Artoo in > the pod. > THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this. ALL: Shut up! > On the main viewscreen of the Star Destroyer, the lifepod carrying the two > terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft. > CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one. > CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. CROW [as the Chief Pilot]: But I'll burn my hand, sir. > There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited. > In the lifepod, Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial > starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. > THREEPIO: That's funny, SERVO [deadpan]: Ha ha. > the damage doesn't look as bad from out here. Are you sure this thing's > safe? > Artoo beeps reassuringly. > THREEPIO: Oh. > Princess Leia is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored > stormtroopers. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Vader emerges from > the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, > but she doesn't move. MIKE [as Leia]: Hi! Are you that great chiropractor I've heard so much about? > LEIA: Lord Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The > Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've > attacked a diplomatic... > VADER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. SERVO [as Vader]: Unless it's Star Wars Monopoly. > You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a > restricted system. CROW: All rights reserved. > Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. MIKE: Beamed? Wait a minute, is this Star *Wars* or Star *Trek*? CROW [as Scotty]: Cap'n! I kinna take much more of this confusion! SERVO [as Capt. Kirk]: Use the Force, Scotty. > I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you. > LEIA: I don't know what you're talking about. MIKE [as Leia]: I didn't read the script. > I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan... > VADER: You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away! CROW: Get the Calgon. > Leia is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted > in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Vader. SERVO [as the Commander]: Do you do massages in addition to chiropractor work? > COMMANDER: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could > generate sympathy for the CROW: Devil? SERVO [singing]: Please allow me to introduce myself... > Rebellion in the senate. > VADER: I have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to > find their secret base! MIKE: We've already found their secret treble and midrange. > COMMANDER: She'll die before she tells you anything. > VADER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the senate > that all aboard were killed! > Another Imperial Officer approaches Vader and the Commander. > SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this > ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned > during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard. > Vader turns to the Commander. CROW [as Vader]: Hi. > VADER: She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment > down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be > no one to stop us this time. > COMMANDER: Yes, sir. SERVO [as the Second Officer]: Uh... so, like, am I done now? [Commercial break] --END PART 1-- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 2, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > On the desert planet Tatooine, the two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds > of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the > desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the > sand. > THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess? SERVO [as Threepio]: I really *must* fire my travel agent. > I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. > Artoo answers with beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. CROW: Frozen... despite the fact that they're on a desert planet. > THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. > Suddenly Artoo whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the > direction of the rocky desert mesas. Threepio stops and yells at him. > THREEPIO: Where are you going? > Artoo beeps. > THREEPIO: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is > much easier. > Artoo counters with a long whistle. MIKE [as R2D2]: Shut up, you pansy! > THREEPIO: What makes you think there are settlements over there? CROW [as R2D2]: The large sign that says "Settlements: This Way"? > THREEPIO: Don't get technical with me. > Artoo continues to make beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about > enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! > Threepio gives the little robot a kick and starts off in the direction of > the vast dune sea. MIKE: Frank Herbert? Are you here? > THREEPIO: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because > you won't get it. > Artoo's reply is a rather rude sound. SERVO [as R2D2]: I'd like to extend a formal invitation for you to SHUT UP! > He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas. > THREEPIO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way. > Artoo beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains. > Later we see Threepio, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a > dune; only to find more dunes, which seem to go on forever. MIKE [singing]: I can see for miles and miles... > He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas. > THREEPIO: That malfunctioning little twerp. SERVO: Oh, is Pauly Shore on this planet? > This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no > better. > His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance > reveals an object moving towards him. > THREEPIO: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! CROW: I've found Jesus! > The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport. > THREEPIO: Over here! Help! Please, help! > Artoo walks between a small group of mesas in the desert. As he continues > on his way, a pebble tumbles down. MIKE [as the pebble]: Watch out for falling 'me'. > A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of > eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path. The > unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail [Crow hums the Torgo theme as Artoo waddles.] > until suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the > rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow. He manages one short electronic > squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights > flicker off, then on, then off again. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Ya know, treating your R2 unit like that is a good way to void the warrenty. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, you're absolutely right, Ethel. It's bad for the paint job, too. CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh yes indeedy, Mabel. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Heavens yes. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Mmm-hmm. > Out of the rocks scurry three Jawas, no taller than Artoo. SERVO: It's the Lollipop Guild! > They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing > eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the > heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. ALL [as the Jawas, singing]: Ding dong, the witch is dead... > The eight Jawas carry Artoo out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle > the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Artoo > and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the > little robot is sucked into the giant machine. [Mike and the Bots make absurdly disgusting "sucking" noises]. > It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler. Artoo switches on a > small floodlight on his forehead. CROW: Looks like Artoo's a little "light-headed!" Get it, Mike? [Mike sighs.] > He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper and stumbles off toward what > appears to be a door at the end of the chamber. SERVO [as R2D2]: At last! A bathroom! > Artoo enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling. A voice of recognition > calls out from the gloom. > THREEPIO: Artoo-Detoo! It's you! It's you! > A battered Threepio scrambles up to Artoo and embraces him. MIKE [as C3PO]: Darling! > In the Tatooine desert, four Imperial stormtroopers mill about in front of > the half-buried lifepod that brought Artoo and Threepio to Tatooine. A > trooper yells to an officer some distance away. A second trooper picks a > small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to the first trooper. > SECOND TROOPER: Look, sir -- SERVO [as the Second Trooper]: I made a sand castle! > droids! > The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. Threepio and Artoo > noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Artoo appears to > be shut off. > THREEPIO: Wake up! Wake up! MIKE [as C3PO]: I want some sweet lovin'. > Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops, creating quite > a commotion among the mechanical men. Threepio's fist bangs the head of > Artoo, SERVO: Ah, they're headbanging. MIKE: Well, there's certainly enough heavy metal in this shot. [Servo and Crow groan]. > whose computer lights pop on as he begins beeping. At the far end of the > long chamber a hatch opens, filling the chamber with blinding white light. > THREEPIO: We're doomed. Will this never end? > The Jawas mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, > including Artoo and Threepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, parked > beside a small homestead. The Jawas scurry around, fussing over the > robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic > elbow. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly, attracting small > insects to the dark areas where their mouths and nostrils should be. ALL [singing]: Eyes without a face... > Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars and his nephew, > Luke Skywalker. MIKE [as Luke]: Hi! I'm Wormie. > One of the Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch > in a queer, unintelligible language. A voice calls out from one of the > huge holes that form the homestead. Luke goes over to the edge and sees his > Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard. > BERU: Luke, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks > Bocce. CROW [shouting, as Luke]: Huh? Make sure it eats broccoli? > LUKE: It looks like we don't have much of a choice but I'll remind him. > Luke returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with > the Jawa leader. CROW [as Luke]: Aunt Beru said to make sure it screams 'Chachi,' Uncle Owen. > OWEN: I have no need for a protocol droid. > THREEPIO: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why > I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that... SERVO [as Owen]: Are you programmed to SHUT UP? > OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of > moisture vaporators. > THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir -- My first job was programming binary load > lifters...very similar to your vaporators in most respects. > OWEN: Do you speak Bocce? MIKE [as C3PO]: Well, I took a couple of years in high school... > THREEPIO: Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me...I'm as > fluent in Bocce... > OWEN: All right shut up! (turning to Jawa) I'll take this one. > THREEPIO: Shutting up, sir. ALL: Thank you! [They all cheer.] > OWEN: Luke, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to have > both of them cleaned up before dinner. > LUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters... CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! > OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now > come on, get to it! > LUKE: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red, > let's go. > As the Jawas start to lead the three remaining robots back into the > Sandcrawler, Artoo lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his > old friend Threepio. He is restrained by a slimy Jawa, who zaps him with a > control box. Owen is negotiating with the head Jawa. SERVO [as Owen]: And I can get it all for six easy payments of $29.95? > Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the > head of the red astro-droid. > LUKE: Uncle Owen... > OWEN: Yeah? CROW [as Luke]: My diaper's sagging. > LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look! SERVO [as Luke]: He's not motivated! > OWEN: (to the head Jawa) Hey, what're you trying to push on us? > The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Artoo has sneaked out of line > and is moving up and down trying to attract attention. He lets out with a > low whistle. Threepio taps Luke on the shoulder. MIKE [as C3PO]: Hey, Wormie. > THREEPIO: (pointing to Artoo) Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in prime > condition. A real bargain. > LUKE: Uncle Owen... > OWEN: Yeah? SERVO [as Luke]: I just like saying "Uncle Owen". > LUKE: What about that one? > OWEN: (to Jawa) What about that blue one? We'll take that one. > With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged astro-droid > for Artoo. > LUKE: Yeah, take it away. > THREEPIO: Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He > really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before. Here > he comes. ALL [singing]: Walking down the street... Gettin' the funniest looks from... > Owen pays off the whining Jawa as Luke and the two robots trudge off toward > the grimy homestead. > LUKE: Okay, let's go. CROW [to Mike]: Is he talking to us? Is it time to leave the theater? MIKE: Almost. > Threepio lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm oil. > THREEPIO: Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel so good. I've got > such a bad case of dust contamination, I can barely move! > Artoo beeps a muffled reply. Luke seems to be lost in thought. Suddenly > his frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the > workbench. CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaaaaaah! > LUKE: It just isn't fair. Oh, Biggs is right. I'm never gonna get out of > here! > THREEPIO: Is there anything I might do to help? > LUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or > teleport me off this rock! SERVO [as C3PO]: Perhaps if you upgrade me to Windows 95... > THREEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable > about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, > I'm not even sure which planet I'm on. > LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet > that it's farthest from. > THREEPIO: I see, sir. > LUKE: Uh, you can call me Luke. > THREEPIO: I see, sir Luke. CROW: Sir Luke, the Wimpy Knight! > LUKE: (laughing) Just Luke. > THREEPIO: And I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations, and this is my > counterpart, Artoo-Detoo. > LUKE: Hello. > Artoo beeps in response. MIKE [as R2D2]: Yo. > Luke unplugs Artoo and begins to scrape several connectors on the robot's > head with a chrome pick. MIKE: C'mon, guys, let's get out of here. [Mike and the Bots leave the theater. Doorway sequence.] -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* INT: BRIDGE OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE - OUTER SPACE. MIKE: And so we've just met the movie's main character, Luke Skywalker. SERVO: He sure complains a lot, doesn't he? [imitating the young, whiny Luke Skywalker]: Waaaah! I wish Biggs was here. Waaaah! Biggs was right, I'll never get off Tatooine. Waaaah! My diaper is all wet and squooshy. Waaaah! CROW: Well, I like Biggs. He brings a maturity to the film that's really a switch from Luke's constant whining. Too bad Lucas cut out most of Biggs' scenes. MIKE: Maybe he was afraid that Biggs would upstage Luke. CROW: He does that anyway. MIKE: C'mon, Crow. Play nice. CROW: Well, it's the truth, Mike. We're talking about Mark Hamill, not Sir Laurence Oliver. Anybody who'd make a film called Corvette Summer and go on to do primarily cartoon voices... [Crow shakes his head sadly.] SERVO: I agree with Crow. I mean, the original Star Wars is a great movie and everything, but it certainly wasn't a hit because of Mark's Hamill's acting. CROW: In fact, most actors could upstage Mark Hamill. SERVO: Actually, most things lying around the house could out-act Mark Hamill. Your average mop, for example. MIKE: Oh come on, guys! That's just plain mean. SERVO: No, think about it, Mike. Neither Mark Hamill nor a mop slept with Julia Roberts in the film Pretty Woman. That role went to Richard Gere, an *actor*. Conclusion? Mark Hamill has the acting ability of a mop, since neither of them got the role. CROW: Neither Mark Hamill or a mop played a music teacher in the film Mr. Holland's Opus. It was Richard Dreyfuss, another actor. SERVO: And who could forget Richard Harris' immortal role in the musical Camelot? A performance that featured absolutely no mops or Mark Hamills. MIKE: Hey, I just noticed that all three of the so-called actors you mentioned are named Richard. CROW [surprised]: What the... hey, you're right! Maybe there's something about having the name Richard that makes them great actors... SERVO: There was also Richard Burton... CROW: And Richard Chamberlin... GYPSY [screaming from off-camera]: RICHARD BASEHART! RICHARD BASEHART! Commercial sign light begins to flash. SERVO: Richard Kiel... CROW: Richard Simmons... SERVO: And my favorite actor, Richard Nixon! MIKE: We'll be right back. [He hits the button and we go to commercials.] --END PART 2-- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 3, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- Mike and the bots re-enter the theater. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* > Threepio climbs out of the oil tub and begins wiping oil from his bronze > body. > LUKE: You got a lot of carbon scoring here. CROW [as Luke]: You should use a stronger sunblock. > Looks like you boys have seen a lot of action. > THREEPIO: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're in as > good condition as we are, what with the Rebellion and all. > LUKE: You know of the Rebellion against the Empire? > THREEPIO: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning, > sir. MIKE [as Luke]: Gah? > LUKE: Have you been in many battles? > THREEPIO: Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not > much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories. Well, > not at making them interesting, anyways. ALL: Agreed! > Luke struggles to remove a small metal fragment from Artoo's neck joint. > He uses a larger pick. CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh, ya know that when ya want a heavier guitar sound, ya go for the larger pick, dont'cha know. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, absolutely right, Ethel. You don't want ta use the thin pick. CROW [Minnesota voice]: No, indeedy-no. > LUKE: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real > good. Were you on a cruiser or... > The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Luke tumbling head over > heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Leia > being projected from the face of little Artoo. > LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. > LUKE: What's this? SERVO [dramatically]: What's this? The juvenile Jedi looks longingly at the luscious Leia? Deep desires and whiny wishes come creeping... MIKE: That's enough, Tom. > Artoo beeps something. Leia continues to repeat the sentence fragment over > and over. > THREEPIO: What is what?!? He asked you a question...(pointing to Leia) What > is that? > LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Wan > Kenobi.. CROW [as Leia]: Help me get out of this movie, Obi-Wan Kenobi. > THREEPIO: Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Merely a malfunction. Old data. > Pay it no mind. > Luke is intrigued by the beautiful girl. > LUKE: Who is she? She's beautiful. SERVO [as Luke]: She can really wear those cinnamon buns. > THREEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. > LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi... > THREEPIO: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some > importance, I believe. > LUKE: Is there more to this recording? > Luke reaches out for Artoo but he lets out several frantic squeaks and a > whistle. > THREEPIO: Behave yourself, Artoo. You're going to get us in trouble. It's > all right, you can trust him. He's our new master. MIKE [as C3PO]: Even if he *is* wormie. > Artoo whistles and beeps a long message to Threepio. > THREEPIO: He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Kenobi, a resident of these > parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir, CROW [as C3PO]: I don't give a damn. > I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles, > but with what we've been through, this little R2 unit has become a bit > eccentric. SERVO [as C3PO]: He killed forty-six people with an ax. > LUKE: Obi-Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi? > THREEPIO: I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about? > LUKE: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan, but old Ben lives out beyond > the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit. > Luke gazes at the beautiful young princess for a few moments. MIKE [as Luke]: Hubba hubba. > LUKE: I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play > back the whole thing. > Artoo beeps something to Threepio. > THREEPIO: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his recording > system. CROW: He can only play it in mono. > He suggests that if you remove the bolt, he might be able to play back the > entire recording. > Luke looks longingly at the princess and hasn't really heard what Threepio > has been saying. > LUKE: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I > take this off! Okay. MIKE [idiot voice]: Duhhh, okay George. > Luke takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Artoo's side. > LUKE: There you go. > The princess immediately disappears. > LUKE: Well, wait a minute. Where'd she go? SERVO [singing]: Baby come back... > Play back the entire message. > Artoo beeps an innocent reply as Threepio sits up in embarrassment. > THREEPIO: What message? The one you're carrying inside your rusty innards! > A woman's voice calls out from another room. > AUNT BERU: Luke? Luke! Come to dinner! CROW [as Beru]: We're having sand! > Luke stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot. > LUKE: All right, I'll be right there, Aunt Beru. > THREEPIO: I'm sorry, sir, but he appears to have picked up a slight > flutter. > Luke tosses Artoo's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of > the room. > LUKE: Well, see what you can do with him. I'll be right back. SERVO: After these important messages. > THREEPIO: (to Artoo) Just you reconsider playing that message for him. > Artoo beeps in response. > THREEPIO: No, I don't think he likes you at all. > Artoo beeps. > THREEPIO: No, I don't like you either. [Mike and the Bots make the "Wah wah waaaaaaah" sound, used as the punchline on "The Brady Bunch" and many other sitcomes.] > Luke's Aunt Beru, a warm, motherly woman, fills a pitcher with blue fluid > from a refrigerated container in the well-used kitchen. CROW [as Aunt Beru]: I think we'll have Smurf juice tonight. > She puts the pitcher on a tray with some bowls of food and starts for the > dining area. Luke sits with his Uncle Owen before a table covered with > food as Aunt Beru carries in a bowl of red grain. > LUKE: You know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen. > OWEN: What makes you think that? > LUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. CROW [as Luke]: It was a lost duet between Conway Twitty and Snoop Doggy Dog. > He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi. > Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of this name. SERVO [as Owen]: THE HELL??? Err... I mean... how interesting. > LUKE: I thought he might have meant old Ben. Do you know what he's talking > about? > OWEN: Mmm. (no) [Crow "moos" in imitation of Owen's "Mmm".] > Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben. > Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger. MIKE [as Owen]: Ebonics is NOT a real language! > OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take > that R2 unit into Anchorhead and have its memory flushed. That'll be > the end of it. It belongs to us now. > LUKE: But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him? > OWEN: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same > time as your father. > LUKE: He knew my father? CROW [as Owen]: They dated briefly, yes. > OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new > droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge > working on those condensers. SERVO [German accent]: Yes, mein furher! > LUKE: Yes, sir. I think those new droids are going to work out fine. In > fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying > on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to > transmit my application to the Academy this year. > Owen's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it. > OWEN: You mean the next semester before harvest? MIKE [as Owen]: But Luke, it's going to be Neil Young's best album ever! > LUKE: Sure, there's more than enough droids. > OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one more season. This year > we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to hire some more > hands. And then you can go to the Academy next year. You must > understand I need you here, Luke. > LUKE: But it's a whole 'nother year! CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaah! > OWEN: Look, it's only one more season. > Luke pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands. > LUKE: Yeah, that's what you said last year when Biggs and Tank left. > AUNT BERU: Where are you going? > LUKE: It looks like I'm going nowhere. MIKE: Just like his career after this movie. > I have to finish cleaning those droids. > Resigned to his fate, Luke paddles out of the room. SERVO [as Luke walks out]: Waaaaah! Waaaaah! > AUNT BERU: Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone. > It means so much to him. > OWEN: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise. > AUNT BERU: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father > in him. CROW: Ew, gross! > OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of. > The giant twin suns of Tatooine slowly disappear behind a distant dune > range. Luke stands watching them for a few moments, SERVO: Watch out for snakes! > then reluctantly enters the doomed entrance to the homestead. Luke enters > the garage to discover the robots are nowhere in sight. He takes a small > control box from his utility belt and activates it. > Threepio, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper > spaceship. > LUKE: What are you doing hiding there? > THREEPIO: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him > not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his > mission. > LUKE: Oh, no! SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaaah! Waaaaah! > Luke races out of the garage followed by Threepio. Luke searches the > darkening horizon for the small astro-robot. Threepio struggles out of the > homestead and on the salt flat as Luke scans the landscape with his > electrobinoculars. MIKE [as Luke]: So far, I detect lots of sand. > THREEPIO: That R2 unit has always been a problem. These astro-droids are > getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times. > LUKE: How could I be so stupid? CROW [as Luke]: `Corvette Summer'? What was I thinking? > He's nowhere in sight. Blast it! > THREEPIO: Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him? > LUKE: It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around. We'll have to wait > until morning. > Owen yells up from the homestead plaza. > OWEN: Luke, I'm shutting the power down for the night. > LUKE: All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it. > He takes one final look across the dim horizon. SERVO: It's not exactly Rio, is it? > LUKE: You know that little droid is going to cause me a lot of trouble. > THREEPIO: Oh, he excels at that, sir. > Morning slowly creeps into the sparse but sparkling oasis of the open > courtyard. Owen enters the kitchen as Beru cooks. > OWEN: Have you seen Luke this morning? > AUNT BERU: He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he > left early. > OWEN: Uh? SERVO: Gah? > Did he take those two new droids with him? > AUNT BERU: I think so. > OWEN: Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired by > midday or there'll be hell to pay! CROW: Make your checks payable to Beelzebub. > In the desert, next morning. Luke and Threepio ride in Luke's speeder, > looking for the rogue droid. > LUKE: Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our > droid...hit the accelerator. MIKE: Run him over! > From high on a rock mesa, the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across > the desert floor. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten Sandpeople > shrouded in their grimy desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa. > One of the marginally human creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and > points it at the speeder MIKE [as the Sandperson]: This is for Wing Commander 3! > but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired. The speeder > is parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Luke, with his long laser rifle > slung over his shoulder, stands before little Artoo. > LUKE: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going? SERVO [as Jon Lovitz's `Liar']: I was... uhm... sleepwalking. Yeah, that's it. > The little droid whistles a feeble reply, as Threepio poses menacingly > behind the little runaway. > THREEPIO: Master Luke here is your rightful owner. We'll have no more of > this Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish...and don't talk to me about your mission, > either. You're fortunate he doesn't blast you into a million pieces > right here. ALL: Shut up! > LUKE: No, it's alright. Well, come on. It's getting late. I only hope we > can get back before Uncle Owen really blows up. > Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles > and screams. SERVO [as R2]: Danger, Will Robinson! > LUKE: What's wrong with him now? > THREEPIO: Oh my...sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from > the southeast. CROW: Floridians! > Luke swings his rifle into position and looks to the south. > LUKE: Sandpeople! Or worse! Come on, let's have a look. Come on. > Luke carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the > canyon with his electrobinoculars. He spots the two riderless Banthas. > Threepio struggles up behind the young adventurer. > LUKE: There are two Banthas down there but I don't see any...wait a second, > they're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now. > Luke watches the distant Tusken Raider through his electrobinoculars. > Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Luke > or Threepio can react, a large, gruesome Tusken Raider looms over them. SERVO [as the Raider]: I'm huge! > Threepio is startled and backs away, right off the side of the cliff. [Mike and the Bots cheer.] > The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii -- > the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local > settlers. But Luke manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which > is smashed to pieces. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is > forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him > with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh. CROW [as the Raider]: Oh, I just got the punchline in today's "Dilbert"! > Artoo forces himself into the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks as the > vicious Sandpeople walk past carrying the inert Luke Skywalker, who is > dropped in a heap before the speeder. The Sandpeople ransack the speeder, > throwing parts and supplies in all directions. Suddenly they stop. Then > everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard, MIKE: It's Howling Wolf! [Servo sings a couple of bars of `Wang Dang Doodle'.] > echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Sandpeople fleeing in terror. > Artoo moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound that > frightened off the Sandpeople grows even closer, until a shabby old desert- > rat-of-a-man appears and leans over Luke. SERVO [as Ben]: Hey, it's that wormie kid. > Ben Kenobi squints his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. > Artoo makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him. > BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid. > Artoo waddles over to where Luke lies crumpled in a heap [Crow makes "quacking" sounds as Artoo waddles.] > and beeps his concern. Ben puts his hand on Luke's forehead and he begins > to come around. > BEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right. > LUKE: What happened? SERVO [as Ben]: You were attacked by George Clinton. > BEN: Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still > in one piece. > LUKE: Ben? Ben Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you! > BEN: The Jundland wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me young > Luke, what brings you out this far? MIKE [Homer Simpson voice]: Peanuts! > LUKE: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master, > but I've never seen such devotion in a droid before. He claims to be > the property of an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you > know who he's talking about? > Ben ponders this for a moment, scratching his scruffy beard. SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Oh poopie, the fleas are back. > BEN: Obi-Wan Kenobi...Obi-Wan? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long > time...a long time. > LUKE: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead. > BEN: Oh, he's not dead, not...not yet. CROW [Monty Python voice]: He's getting better! > LUKE: You know him! > BEN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the > name Obi-Wan since, oh... SERVO: Last Thursday. > before you were born. > LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you. > BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Of course, I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, either... > Very interesting... > He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: My God, where did those cliffs come from? > BEN: I think we better get indoors. The Sandpeople are easily startled but > they will soon be back and in greater numbers. > Luke sits up and rubs his head. Artoo lets out a pathetic beep, and Luke > looks around. > LUKE: Threepio! > Little Artoo stands at the edge of a large sand pit and begins to chatter > away in electronic whistles and > beeps. Luke and Ben stand over a very > dented and tangled Threepio lying half buried in the sand. One of his arms > has broken off. Luke tries to revive the inert robot by shaking him and > then flips a hidden switch on his back several times. MIKE: No, no, you're gonna flood him! > THREEPIO: Where am I? I must have taken a bad step... > LUKE: Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the Sandpeople > return. > THREEPIO: I don't think I can make it. You go on, Master Luke. There's no > sense in you risking yourself on my account. I'm done for. CROW [as Luke]: Okay. Bye! > LUKE: No, you're not. What kind of talk is that? > Luke and Ben help the battered robot to his feet. Little Artoo watches from > the top of the pit. Ben glances around suspiciously. Sensing something, he > stands up and sniffs the air. SERVO [as Ben]: Do you work in a sewage treatment plant, Luke? > BEN: Quickly, son...they're on the move. > Ben's hut. The small, spartan hovel is cluttered with desert junk. Luke > is in one corner repairing Threepio's arm, as old Ben sits thinking. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I like sand. > LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice > freighter. > BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's > ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved. > LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars? SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I'm *still* fighting the clone wars. > BEN: Yes. I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father. > LUKE: I wish I'd known him. > BEN: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I > understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good > friend. Which reminds me... MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I've got to set the VCR to tape "Friends". > Ben gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around. He shuffles up > and presents Luke with a short handle with several electronic gadgets > attached to it. > BEN: I have something here for you. CROW: A flashlight. > Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your > uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some > damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did. > THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile. > LUKE: Sure, go ahead. SERVO: Your C3PO has finished shutting down. It is now safe to power off. > Ben hands Luke the saber. > LUKE: What is it? > BEN: Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not > as clumsy or as random as a blaster. > Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet > and flickers there. ALL: Oooooh. Ahhhhhh. > BEN: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand > generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in > the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire. > LUKE: How did my father die? > BEN: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he > turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi > Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all > but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the MIKE: Moon. > Force. > LUKE: The Force? > BEN: Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field > created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. CROW: Oh, like the IRS. > It binds the galaxy together. > Artoo makes beeping sounds. > BEN: Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. SERVO [as R2D2]: I'm a DROID, you old coot! > And where you come from. > LUKE: I saw part of the message he was... > Luke is cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel > princess is projected. MIKE: Artoo's smile really lights up the room. [Crow tries to leave the theater in disgust at this pun, but Mike holds him back.] > BEN: I seem to have found it. > Luke stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes. > LEIA: General Kenobi, CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Here! > years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help > him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to > present my father's request to you in person, MIKE [as Leia]: But I'm hopelessly incompetent. > but my ship has fallen under attack ALL: And it can't get up! > and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have > placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory > systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must > see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most > desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. CROW [as Leia]: My love to the wife and kids. > There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old Ben leans > back and scratches his head. SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Damn lice. > BEN: You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to > Alderaan. > LUKE: (laughing) Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home. MIKE [as Luke]: It's time for Scooby-Doo! > It's late, I'm in for it as it is. > BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for > this sort of thing. > LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! SERVO [sarcastically]: Yeah, that's *way* more important than saving the universe. > It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do > about it right now. It's such a long way from here. > BEN: That's your uncle talking. > LUKE: (sighing) Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this? > BEN: Learn about the Force, Luke. SERVO: Maybe he should learn about acting first. > LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport > there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going. > BEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course. > Outer space. An Imperial Stardestroyer heads toward the evil > planet-like battle station: the Death Star! CROW [Shatner voice]: Captain's Log. The crew is exhausted, and we hope to enjoy shore leave on the aluminum planet in front of us... > Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference > table. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. Commander > Tagge, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking. > TAGGE: Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable. > The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. MIKE: They have coupons! > They're more dangerous than you realize. > MOTTI: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battle > station! SERVO [as Motti]: In your face, Slimy. > TAGGE: The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial > Senate as long as.... > Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Tagge's speech is cut short and > the Grand Moff Tarkin, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. > He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Vader. CROW: Ssh! Mom and Dad are home! > TARKIN: The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. > I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council > permanently. SERVO: In a vat of sulfuric acid. > The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. > TAGGE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without > the bureaucracy? > TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over territories. > Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station. MIKE [dramatically]: One fear to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them... > TAGGE: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete > technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, > that they might find a weakness and exploit it. > VADER: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. > MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a > useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. > This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest > we use it! SERVO [sarcastically]: Thanks for the suggestion. > VADER: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've > constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant > next to the power of the Force. > MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. CROW [as Vader]: Ala Kazam! Abracadabra! Hocus Pocus! > Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure > up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find > the Rebel's hidden fort... > Suddenly Motti chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader's spell. SERVO [as the Genie from Aladdin]: Ooo! Hairball! > VADER: I find your lack of faith disturbing. > TARKIN: Enough of this! Vader, release him! MIKE: If he doesn't come back, he was never yours to begin with. > VADER: As you wish. > TARKIN: This bickering is pointless. Lord Vader will provide us with > the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is > operational. CROW: Or my name's not Tom Bodell. > We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke. [Commercial break] --END PART 3-- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 4, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > Back on Tatooine, Luke, Ben and the droids are in front of a sandcrawler. > LUKE: It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right. Look, Gaffi sticks, > Bantha tracks. It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything > this big before. > Ben is crouching in the sand studying the tracks. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I found some sand! > BEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are > side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to SERVO: Play leapfrog. > hide their numbers. > LUKE: These are the same Jawas that sold us Artoo and Threepio. > BEN: And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial > stormtroopers are so precise. > LUKE: Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas? (thinks) If > they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold > them to. And that would lead them back... home! > Luke reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for the speeder > and jumps in. > BEN: Wait, Luke! It's too dangerous. MIKE [as Ben]: Err.. on second thought, go ahead Luke! > Luke races across the wasteland in his battered Landspeeder. CROW [as Luke]: Did I leave the iron on? > The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Luke jumps out and runs > to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered > everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place. > LUKE: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen! SERVO [as Luke]: Buffy? Chief? CROW: McCloud? > Luke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly > he comes upon their smoldering remains. He is stunned, and cannot speak. > Back on the Death Star, two stormtroopers open an electronic cell door > and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Princess Leia's face is > filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as a giant black > torture robot enters. > VADER: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your > hidden Rebel base. > The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches > Princess Leia and extends one of its mechanical arms, bearing a large > hypodermic needle. MIKE [as Leia]: Okay, you win! It's concealed in my hair! > There is a large bonfire of Jawa bodies blazing in front of the > Sandcrawler as Ben and the robots finish burning the dead. Luke drives > up in the speeder and Ben walks over to him. CROW [as Ben]: Where ya been, Wormie? > BEN: There's nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. > You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would be in the hands > of the Empire. > LUKE: I want to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing here for me > now. I want to learn the ways of SERVO: Satan! MIKE [disapprovingly]: Tom... > the Force and become a Jedi like my father. > The Landspeeder with Luke, Artoo, Threepio, and Ben in it zooms across > the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at > Mos Eisley. Luke and Ben stand on a high cliff, looking down at the > spaceport. ALL [shouting]: Ben! Push him off, Ben! > BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of > scum and villainy. We must be cautious. MIKE: We might be giants. > Ben looks over at Luke, who gives the old Jedi a determined smile. CROW [as Luke, idiot voice]: Huh huh. Y'er purty. > The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened > stormtroopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Luke. > TROOPER: How long have you had these droids? > LUKE: About three or four seasons. > BEN: They're for sale if you want them. > TROOPER: Let me see your identification. SERVO [as Trooper]: Have you been wormed? > BEN: You don't need to see his identification. > TROOPER: We... don't need to see his identification. > BEN: These are not the droids your looking for. > TROOPER: These are not the droids we're looking for. > BEN: He can go about his business. SERVO [as Luke]: The hell? > TROOPER: You can go about your business. > BEN: (to Luke) Move along. > TROOPER: Move along. Move along. > They drive along, stopping in front of a cantina. A Jawa rushes up and > examines Luke's speeder. > THREEPIO: I can't abide these Jawas. Disgusting creatures. > As Luke gets out of the speeder he tries to shoo the Jawa away. CROW [as Luke]: Go away! Waaaaah! Waaaaah! > LUKE: Go on, go on. I can't understand how we got by those troopers. > I thought we were dead. > BEN: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. You will > find it a powerful ally. MIKE [mechanically, as Luke]: The Force has a strong influence on the weak-minded. I will find it a powerful ally... > LUKE: Do you really think we're going to find a pilot here that'll take > us to Alderaan? > BEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only > watch your step. This place can be a little rough. > LUKE: I'm ready for anything. SERVO: How 'bout some ACTING LESSONS? MIKE: That's enough, Tom. > THREEPIO: Come along, Artoo. > The young adventurer and his two mechanical servants follow Ben Kenobi > into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a > startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the > long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, > thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures > huddle over drinks. [Mike and the Bots dance wildly in their seats to the music of the Cantina theme.] > Ben moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but > human scum. A huge, rough-looking Bartender stops Luke and the robots. SERVO [as the Bartender]: Hi, honey. > BARTENDER: We don't serve their kind here! > Luke still recovering from the shock of seeing so many outlandish creatures, doesn't quite catch the bartender's drift. > LUKE: What? > BARTENDER: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside. We don't want > them here. > Luke looks at old Ben, who is busy talking to one of the Galactic > pirates. MIKE [as the pirate]: Har! Shiver me timbers on a dead man's chest... > He notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving > him a very unfriendly glare. Luke pats Threepio on the shoulder. SERVO [as Luke]: Hey! Tin Pants! > LUKE: Listen, why don't you wait out by the speeder. We don't want any > trouble. > THREEPIO: I heartily agree with you sir. SERVO [as C3PO]: Later, Wormie. > Ben is standing next to Chewbacca, an eight-foot-tall- hairy wookie. > Ben speaks to him, pointing to Luke several times during his conver- > sation. CROW [as Ben]: Isn't he the geekiest guy you've ever seen? > A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives Luke a rough shove. > CREATURE: Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!? > The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Luke tries to ignore the creature > and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human and an even smaller > rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity. > HUMAN: He doesn't like you. > LUKE: I'm sorry. > HUMAN: I don't like you either CROW [as the human]: I'm more of a cat person. > HUMAN: (continued) You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have > the death sentence in twelve systems. SERVO [as the human]: And three unpaid parking tickets! > LUKE: I'll be careful then. > HUMAN: You'll be dead. ALL: Yay! > His three adversaries ready their weapons. Old Ben moves in behind Luke. > BEN: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you > something... > A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature sends the young would-be > Jedi sailing across the room, crashing through tables. SERVO [as Luke]: WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH! > With a blood curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome laser > pistol from his belt and levels it at old Ben. The bartender panics. > BARTENDER: No blasters! No blasters! > With astounding agility old Ben's laser sword sparks to life and in a > flash an arm lies on the floor. CROW [as Ben]: Oops. Sorry, Luke. > Luke, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts > to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The > cantina goes back to normal, although Ben is given a respectable amount > of room at the bar. Luke, rubbing his bruised head, approaches the old > man with new awe. Ben points at the Wookiee. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Monkey! > BEN: This is Chewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our > needs. > Strange creatures play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments. MIKE [yelling, drunk voice]: Play 'Free Bird'! > Luke follows Ben and Chewbacca to a booth where Han Solo is sitting. > HAN: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells > me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Eh? The Aluminum Stallion? > BEN: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship. > HAN: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Maybe. I forgot the question already. > BEN: Should I have? > HAN: It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs! > I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. > I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for > you, old man. What's the cargo? > BEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked. SERVO: And a package that absolutely positively *has* to be there overnight. > HAN: What is it? Some kind of local trouble? > BEN: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements. > HAN: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you > something extra. Ten thousand in advance. > LUKE: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that! > HAN: But who's going to fly it, kid! You? > LUKE: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! MIKE [as Luke]: I was in Wing Commander, you know. > We don't have to sit here and listen... > BEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand > now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan. CROW [as Ben]: For a total of $2,015. > HAN: Seventeen, huh! (thinks) Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. > We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four. > BEN: Ninety-four. SERVO: Ninety-four. CROW: Ninety-four. MIKE: So, which docking bay are they meeting at? > HAN: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your > handiwork. > Ben and Luke turn around to see four Imperial stormtroopers looking at > the dead bodies and asking the bartenders some questions. The bartender > points to the booth. SERVO [as the Bartender]: Yeah, I don't understand this so-called modern art either, but the artist is over there. > TROOPER: All right, we'll check it out. > The stormtroopers look over at the booth but Luke and Ben are gone. The > bartender shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement. > HAN: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This > could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready. MIKE [as Han]: Do her hair and makeup. > Luke and Ben are back on the streets of Mos Eisley. > BEN: You'll have to sell your speeder. > LUKE: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again. CROW [as Luke]: Until Return of the Jedi. > As Han is about to leave, Greedo, a slimy green-faced alien with a > short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. The creature speaks in a > foreign tongue translated into English subtitles. > GREEDO: Going somewhere, Solo? > HAN: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. > Tell Jabba that I've got his money. > Han sits down and the alien sits across from him holding the gun on him. SERVO [as Han]: Have a shot. I mean SEAT! SEAT! > GREEDO: It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. > Jabba's put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in > the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first. > HAN: Yeah, but this time I got the money. MIKE: Show me the money! Show me the MONEY! > GREEDO: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you. > HAN: I don't have it with me. Tell Jabba... > GREEDO: Jabba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who > drop their CROW: Pants. > shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. > HAN: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice? MIKE [as Han]: No, the activists have made that damn near impossible. SERVO: Now who's being dark? MIKE: Sorry. > Han Solo slowly reaches for his gun under the table. > GREEDO: You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship. > HAN: Over my dead body. > GREEDO: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long > time. > HAN: Yes, I'll bet you have. > Greedo fires at Solo, but misses. Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in > a blinding flash of light. SERVO [singing]: Blinded by the... MIKE: Tom! > Han pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patrons > look on in bemused amazement. CROW: So now he's Robert Cray all of a sudden? > Han gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some > coins as he leaves. > HAN: Sorry about the mess. MIKE [as Han]: Chewie wasn't wearing his diaper. > Back on the Death Star... > VADER: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some > time before we can extract any information from her. > IMPERIAL OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. SERVO [as the officer]: Here's the receipt. > All systems are operational. What course shall we set? > TARKIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion. > VADER: What do you mean? > TARKIN: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. CROW [as Mr. Burns]: Release the hounds. > (to soldier) Set your course for Princess Leia's home planet of > Alderaan. > TROOPER: With pleasure. > Back in Mos Eisley, storm troopers are searching for the droids. > THREEPIO: Lock the door, Artoo. > One of the troopers checks a tightly locked door and moves on down the > alleyway. The door slides open a crack and Threepio peeks out. Artoo is > barely visible in the background. > TROOPER: All right, check that side of the street. It's secure. SERVO: Well if they already know it's secure, why do they need to check it? > THREEPIO: I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stay > here with you. I don't know what all the trouble is about, but I'm > sure it must be your fault. > Artoo makes beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: You watch your language! > Ben and Luke are standing in a sleazy used speeder lot, talking with a > tall, grotesque, insect-like used speeder dealer. The insect concldes > the sale by giving Luke some coins. CROW [as the Insect]: There. Go play the jukebox. > LUKE: He says it's the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out, they're > just not in demand. > BEN: It will be enough. > Ben and Luke leave the speeder lot and walk down the dusty alleyway. > Luke turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as > he rounds a corner. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! My speeder! > A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches > them as they disappear down another alley. MIKE [dramatically]: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? > BEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well. > Jabba the Hut and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures > stand outside the Falcon. SERVO: The hell? Jabba wasn't in this movie! MIKE: It must be one of the scenes they restored. Let's watch. > JABBA: Come on out, Solo! > Han steps out from behind Jabba. > HAN: I've been waiting for you, Jabba. CROW [as Han]: But I can't hold out forever. I need a commitment! > JABBA: Have you now. > HAN: I'm not the type to run. > JABBA: (fatherly-smooth) Han, my boy, there are times when you > disappoint me...why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to > fry poor Greedo like that... SERVO: Fried Greedo? Isn't that a Mexican dish? CROW AND MIKE: Mmmmm! > after all we've been through together. > HAN: You sent Greedo to blast me. > JABBA: (mock surprise) Han, why you're the best smuggler in the business. > You're too valuable to fry. He was only relaying my concern at your > delays. He wasn't going to blast you. CROW: Much. > HAN: I think he thought he was. Next time don't send one of those twerps. > If you've got something to say to me, come see me yourself. > JABBA: Han, Han! If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice... > you understand I just can't make an exception. Where would I be if > every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first > sign of an Imperial starship? SERVO [as Han, hysterical]: But what about *my* needs? > It's not good business. > HAN: Even I get boarded sometimes, Jabba. I had no choice, but I've got > a charter now and I can pay you back, plus a little extra. I just > need some more time. [The Bots make the "60 Minutes" ticking sound.] > JABBA: (to his men) Put your blasters away. Han, my boy, I'm only doing > this because you're the best and I need you. So, for an extra, say > twenty percent I'll give you a little more time...but this is it. If > you disappoint me again, MIKE [as Jabba]: We're breaking up. > I'll put a price on your head so large you won't be able to go near a > civilized system for the rest of your short life. > HAN: Jabba, you're a wonderful human being. CROW: Is that "irony", Mike? MIKE: Only if your name's Alanis. > Chewbacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Ben, Luke, > and the robots make their way up the street. The darkly clad creature > has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway > and speaks into a small transmitter. MIKE: John Merrick, no! > Chewbacca leads the group into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. > LUKE: What a piece of junk! > The tall figure of Han Solo comes down the boarding ramp. SERVO [as Solo]: I'm huge! > HAN: She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, > but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special > modifications myself. CROW: He installed a foosball table. > HAN: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of > here. > The group rushes up the gang plank, passing a grinning Han Solo. > Chewbacca settles into the pilot's chair. MIKE [as Chewbacca]: Engage. > Eight Imperial stormtroopers rush up to the darkly clad creature. > TROOPER: Which way? > The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay. SERVO [singing]: Sitting on the docking... bay.... CROW: Good one, Servo! > TROOPER: All right, men. Load your weapons! > The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay > entrance. > TROOPER: Stop that ship! CROW: In the name of love! > TROOPER: Blast 'em! > Han draws his laser pistol and pops off a couple of shots which force > the stormtroopers to dive for safety. The pirateship engines whine as > Han hits the release button that slams the overhead entry shut. > HAN: Chewie, get us out of here! > The group straps in for take off. MIKE [in a "stewardess" voice]: For your safety, please observe the exits to the front and rear of the vehicle. Your seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device in the event of emergency. > THREEPIO: Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel. > The half-dozen stormtroopers at a check point hear the general alarm > and look to the sky as the huge starship rises above the dingy slum > dwellings and quickly disappears into the morning sky. SERVO [Top Gun voice]: Maverick!!! > Han frantically types information into the ship's computer. MIKE [as Han]: Okay Chewie, let's get a game of QUAKE going... > HAN: It looks like an Imperial cruiser. Our passengers must be hotter > than I thought. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield > while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed. > The Millennium Falcon pirateship races away, followed by two huge > Imperial stardestroyers. > HAN: Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to > cut us off. > LUKE: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast. > HAN: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself > floating home. CROW: Ba da BING! > We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I > know a few maneuvers. We'll lose them! > The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window. > HAN: Here's where the fun begins! MIKE [flatly]: We're ecstatic. > BEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed? > HAN: It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi- > computer. CROW: Ah, they must be connecting through America Online. > LUKE: Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining... > HAN: Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! > Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star > or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real > quick, wouldn't it? > The ship is now constantly battered with laserfire as a red warning > light begins to flash. > LUKE: What's that flashing? SERVO [as Han]: A red warning light. > HAN: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going > to make the jump to light speed. > Han flips a lever, and the Millennium Falcon zooms into infinity in > less than a second. MIKE: Whoa. Trippy. SERVO: Hey, it's time for *us* to zoom into infinity, isn't it? [He climbs into Mike's lap. Mike and the Bots leave the theater and we go to commercials.] -- END PART 4 -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 5, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- INT: SATELLITE OF LOVE. Tom Servo is wearing a headband over his dome. Attached to the band are two large cinnamon buns, covering the spots where his ears would be if he had any. His torso is covered with a white, flowing robe. TOM [as Leia]: Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi... Mike enters. MIKE: Hey Tom. Say, what's with the costume? TOM: I'm practicing my lines. Crow and I thought that since this special edition version of Star Wars had new scenes, no one would notice if we wrote one of our own. MIKE: Oh. Can I watch? TOM: You can do more than that, Mike. We need you to play Luke. MIKE [flattered]: You want me to play the lead? Gosh! TOM: Yeah, you're the best whiner on the ship. Mike throws Crow one of his patented "hurt" looks. Tom, as usual, is oblivious. TOM: Now reach down there and get your costume. Mike reaches below the counter and pulls out a greatly undersized Luke Skywalker costume that looks like it was designed to fit a ten-year old. MIKE: Tom, I can't fit into this! TOM [impatiently]: Well, not with *that* kind of attitude, Mike. Come on! Mike sighs and attempts to put on the Jedi shirt. He gets his head about halfway through the hole (we can see his eyes and nose), but his arms get stuck, so it looks as though he's reaching out, like a horror-movie mummy. TOM: Perfect! MIKE [muffled]: This isn't comfortable, Tom. TOM: That's great! You've got the whining down already. [yells] Ready, Crow? CROW [off-screen]: Ready! TOM: Action! [as Leia]: Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Crow enters, wearing a brown robe similar to Ben's. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Hey pretty lady. Where's the prune juice? TOM [as Leia]: General Kenobi, you fought with my father during the Clone Wars. Now I'm having a crisis with my hair, and we beg your help again. CROW [proudly, in a Grandpa Simpson voice]: I like jello! TOM [as Leia]: Let me introduce you to the young hero, Luke Skywalker! MIKE [reading from Crow's script, muffled]: My name is Luke Skywalker and my underwear is giving me a wedgie. Waaaah! Waaaah! TOM [as Leia]: And let me also introduce you to our furry friend, Chewbacca. Gypsy enters, with several brown wigs taped (very badly) to her head. GYPSY [in her usual cheerful voice]: Growl. Growl. MIKE [taking off the shirt]: You know, I don't think this script is working, guys. CROW: Wow, Mike! That's some great ad-libbing! You're really doing some Luke-quality whining, and you're not even following the script! MIKE: I'm not ad-libbing, Crow. I just think this is a really bad script, and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. GYPSY: Is that my only line? CROW: Yes. GYPSY [meekly]: Oh. [She leaves.] TOM: What? Mike, this could be cinematic history in the making! A new scene from Star Wars, and you're gonna pass up all that fame and money? [angrily] Good one, Nelson! MIKE: I'm funny that way, I guess. Suddenly lights flash and alarms blare. ALL [screaming]: Aaaah! We got movie sign! Mike hits the button, and we see the doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Mike and the Bots re-enter the theater. As he sits down, Mike notices that Tom still has the handband/cinnamon buns on. MIKE [reaching over]: Will you take those off? TOM: Awww... Mike removes Tom's headband and tosses it aside. > Alderaan looms behind the Death Star battlestation. CROW [as the planet]: Save me! > Admiral Motti enters the quiet control room and bows before > Governor Tarkin, MIKE [as Motti]: Your royal sliminess. > who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small green planet. > MOTTI: We've entered the Alderaan system. > Vader and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Leia. Her hands are > bound. > LEIA: Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding > Vader's leash. CROW [as Vader]: Grrrrrr! Arf! Arf! > I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. > TARKIN: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it > signing the order to terminate your life. SERVO [as Tarkin]: Since I don't know how to write. > LEIA: I surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility > yourself! > TARKIN: Princess Leia, before your execution I would like you to MIKE [as Tarkin]: Clean your room. > be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station > operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now. > LEIA: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will > slip through your fingers. > TARKIN: Not after we demonstrate the power of this station. CROW [as Tarkin]: It's got an eight-cylinder engine, and lots of off-road action! > In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be > destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the > location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's > destructive power... MIKE: On your hair. > on your home planet of Alderaan. > LEIA: No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly... > TARKIN: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name > the system! > Tarkin waves menacingly toward Leia. SERVO [as Tarkin]: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? > TARKIN: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. CROW [as Tarkin]: Who does your hair? > Where is the Rebel base? > Leia gazes at her planet, torn between her loyalties. > LEIA: (softly) Dantooine. They're on Dantooine. MIKE: Dan Tooine? I dated his sister! > TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. > (addressing Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire > when ready. > LEIA: What!? CROW [as Homer Simpson]: D'oh! > TARKIN: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is too remote to make an > effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your > Rebel friends soon enough. > LEIA: No! > VADER: Commence primary ignition. [Servo makes the noise of a car engine starting up.] > A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded > Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. [Servo imitates the sound of a toilet flushing.] > Another lever is pulled. [Mike stands up and begins "playing" with the control panel on the screen.] MIKE: Hey guys, look! I'm operating the controls. CROW: Uh, Mike, you might not wanna do that... MIKE [continuing]: Why not? > A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and > converges into a single laser beam out toward Alderaan. The small > green planet of Alderaan is blown into space dust. SERVO: Mike! You blew up *another* planet! MIKE: No! I mean... did I? I didn't mean to! CROW [shakes his head sadly]: It staggers the imagination. [Mike sits down dejectedly.] MIKE: Boy, is my face red. Sorry, planet. > Ben watches Luke practice the lightsaber with a small "seeker" robot. > Ben suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint. > LUKE: Are you all right? What's wrong? MIKE [as Ben]: I sense that someone just blew up the bridge over the River Kwai... > BEN: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of voices > suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear > something terrible has happened. CROW [dramatically]: Roseanne has been renewed for another season. > Ben rubs his forehead. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes > his gaze on Luke. SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Muffy? Is that you? > BEN: You'd better get on with your exercises. > Han Solo enters the room. > HAN: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. MIKE [as Han]: I poured salt on 'em. > I told you I'd outrun 'em. > Luke is once again practicing with the lightsaber. > HAN: Don't everyone thank me at once. ALL [overlapping]: Thanks! Thank you! We appreciate it! Thanks! What a swell guy! [The group breaks into a chorus of `For he's a jolly good fellow.'] > Threepio watches Chewbacca and Artoo who are engrossed in a game in > which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type > board. > HAN: Anyway, we should be at Alderaan about oh-two-hundred hours. CROW: That's a lot of hours. > Chewbacca and the two robots sit around the lighted table covered with > small holographic monsters. > Each side of the table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. > Chewbacca seems very pleased with himself as he rests his lanky > fur-covered arms over his head. MIKE [waving away the underarm smell]: Pheew! Ugh! > THREEPIO: Now be careful, Artoo. > Artoo immediately reaches up and taps the computer with his stubby claw > hand, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to the new square. > A sudden frown crosses Chewbacca's face and he begins yelling gibberish > at the tiny robot. Threepio intercedes on behalf of his small companion > and begins to argue with the huge Wookiee. > THREEPIO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it won't help you. SERVO [as C3PO]: Plug it, fuzzy. > HAN: (interrupting) Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee. > THREEPIO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid. > HAN: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their socket > when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that. > THREEPIO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let > the Wookiee win. ALL [making the "punchline" sound]: Wah wah waaaaaaaah! > Luke stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in > place. A humming lightsaber is held high over his head. Ben watches him > from the corner, studying his movements. Han watches with a bit of > smugness. > BEN: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him. MIKE: Just like coffee. > LUKE: You mean it controls your actions? > BEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands. CROW: Just like coffee. MIKE: Exactly. Huh? > Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Luke, a "seeker", a > chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a > wide arc. It slowly moves behind Luke, then makes a quick lunge, emitting > a blood red laser beam as it attacks. It hits Luke in the leg causing > him to tumble over. [Crow makes a whimpering dog sound.] > HAN: (laughs) Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a > good blaster at your side, kid. > LUKE: You don't believe in the Force, do you? MIKE [as Han]: Nope. The fairies told me it was make-believe. > HAN: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've > seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me > believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. > There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny. > HAN: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense. > BEN: I suggest you try it again, Luke. SERVO [as Ben]: But this time, let it kill you. > Ben places a large helmet on Luke's head which covers his eyes. > BEN: This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. CROW [as Ben]: Destroy without thinking, Luke. > LUKE: (laughing) With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am > I supposed to fight? > BEN: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them. MIKE [as Ben]: Poke them out. > Han skeptically shakes his head as Ben throws the seeker into the air. > Luke swings the lightsaber around blindly missing the seeker, which > fires off a laserbolt which hits him. He lets out a painful yell and > attempts to hit the seeker. SERVO: This is the strangest pinata ceremony I've ever seen. > BEN: Stretch out with your feelings. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Love me! > Luke stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at > Luke and, incredibly, he managed to deflect the bolt. The ball ceases > fire and moves back to its original position. > BEN: You see, you can do it. > HAN: I call it luck. > BEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. SERVO: In *your* experience there's no such thing as pop-tarts, Gramps. > HAN: Look, good against remotes is one thing. Good against the living? > That's something else. > Solo notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel. MIKE [pointing]: The Mads are calling! > HAN: Looks like we're coming up on Alderaan. > Han and Chewbacca head back to the cockpit. > LUKE: You know, I did feel something. CROW [as Luke]: But I think it was just gas. > I could almost see the remote. > BEN: That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world. > Back on the Death Star, Imperial Officer Cass stands before Governor > Tarkin and Darth Vader. > TARKIN: Yes? > OFFICER CASS: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. MIKE [as Cass]: They all received their merit badges. > They found the remains of a Rebel base, but they estimate that it has > been deserted for some time. They are now conducting an extensive search > of the surrounding systems. > TARKIN: She lied! She lied to us! > VADER: I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion. > TARKIN: Terminate her...immediately! CROW [as Schwarzenegger]: Sarah Connor? > Back on the Falcon... > HAN: Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines. > Han pulls back on a control lever. [Servo imitates the sound of a toilet flushing.] > Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. > Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship. > HAN: What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. > Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts. MIKE: Perhaps if you made it more commercial... > The Wookiee flips off several controls and seems very cool in the > emergency. [Every time Chewie flips a lever, Servo makes flushing noises.] > LUKE: What's going on? ALL [singing]: Brother, brother... > HAN: Our position is correct, except...no, Alderaan! > LUKE: What do you mean? Where is it? > HAN: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been CROW: Misplaced. > totally blown away. > LUKE: What? How? > BEN: Destroyed...by the Empire! SERVO: It struck back early. > HAN: The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take > a thousand ships with more fire power than I've... > A signal starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts > humming. > HAN: There's another ship coming in. > LUKE: Maybe they know what happened. > BEN: It's an Imperial fighter. > Chewbacca barks his concern. A huge explosion bursts outside the > cockpit window, shaking the ship violently. A tiny, finned Imperial > TIE fighter races past the cockpit window. SERVO [as the Fighter pilot]: Dum de dum. I can't see you. Dum de dum. > LUKE: It followed us! > BEN: No. It's a short range fighter. > HAN: There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from? > LUKE: It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in > big trouble. > HAN: Not if I can help it. Chewie... jam its transmissions. MIKE [as Han]: Ram a sock up his tailpipe. > BEN: It'd be as well to let it go. It's too far out of range. > HAN: Not for long... > The tension mounts as the pirateship gains on the tiny fighter. In the > distance, one of the stars becomes brighter until it is obvious that the > TIE ship is heading for it. Ben stands behind Chewbacca. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: The view is much hairier than I expected. > BEN: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own. > LUKE It must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something. > HAN: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about > us. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: We'll fix him good, I'll tell you what. > LUKE: Look at him. He's headed for that small moon. > HAN: I think I can get him before he gets there...he's almost in range. > BEN: That's no moon. MIKE: It's a model. > It's a space station. > HAN: It's too big to be a space station. > LUKE: I have a very bad feeling about this. CROW [as Luke]: I wet 'em. > BEN: Turn the ship around. > HAN: Yeah, I think you're right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the > auxiliary power. > LUKE: Why are we still moving towards it? > HAN: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in! > LUKE: But there's gotta be something you can do! SERVO [as Han]: Sorry, Wormie. I've used up my dumb luck quota for today. > HAN: There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm at full power. I'm going > to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight! > Ben Kenobi puts a hand on his shoulder. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Are you my mother? > BEN: You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. > The Falcon is pulled into the Death Star. > VOICE OVER DEATH STAR INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are > opening the magnetic field. MIKE [pleasantly, as the voice]: The reactor is on fire. There is no need to panic. > OFFICER: Close all outboard shields! Close all outboard shields! > An intercom buzzes. Tarkin pushes a button and responds. > TARKIN: Yes? CROW [Monty Python voice]: There's a Mr. Death to see you, sir. Something about a reaping? > VOICE: (over intercom) We've captured a freighter entering the remains > of the Alderaan system. It's markings match those of a ship that > blasted its way out of Mos Eisley. > VADER: They must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess. > She may yet be of some use to us. > VOICE: (over intercom) Unlock one-five-seven and nine. Release charges. SERVO [as the voice]: Put the kettle on. > OFFICER: (to Vader) There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, > the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. [The Bots make quacking sounds.] > Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned. > VADER: Did you find any droids? > OFFICER: No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have > jettisoned. > VADER: Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship > checked. CROW [as Vader]: Start with the hubcaps. > OFFICER: Yes, sir. > VADER: I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since... > Suddenly, Vader turns and quickly exits the hangar. MIKE [dramatically, as Vader]: Diarrhea is like a river raging inside me... > OFFICER: Get me a scanning crew in here on the double. I want every > part of this ship checked! > A trooper runs through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few > moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant officer giving > orders finally fade. Two floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Han > Solo and Luke. Ben Kenobi sticks his head out of a third locker. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I thought this was the bathroom! > LUKE: Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments. > HAN: I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself > in them. This is ridiculous. SERVO [as Balky]: Well, don't be ree-dic-oo-lus. > Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam. > BEN: Leave that to me! > HAN: Damn fool. MIKE [Gomez Addams voice]: Dirty pool, old man. > I knew you were going to say that! > BEN: Who's the more foolish...the fool or the fool who follows him? > Han shakes his head, muttering to himself. Chewbacca agrees. [The Bots make "mew"-ing sounds for Chewbacca.] > The crewmen carry a heavy box on board the ship, past the two > stormtroopers guarding either side of the ramp. > TROOPER: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report > it immediately. All right, let's go. > The crewmen enter the pirateship and a loud crashing sound is followed > by a voice calling to the guard below. > HAN'S VOICE: Hey down there, SERVO [as Han]: Are you feeling really stupid? > could you give us a hand with this? SERVO [as Han]: Just ignore the fact that my voice sounds completely different and I'm not wearing a uniform or anything... > The stormtroopers enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard. > In a very small command office near the entrance to the pirateship, a > Gantry Officer looks out his window and notices the guards are missing. > He speaks into the comlink. > GANTRY OFFICER: TX-four-one-two. Why aren't you at your post? CROW [nerdy voice]: I'm busy getting killed, sir. > TX-four-one-two, do you copy? > A stormtrooper comes down the ramp of the pirateship and waves to the > gantry officer, pointing to his ear. MIKE [proudly, Homer Simpson voice]: Sounds go in here! > The gantry officer shakes his head in disgust and heads for the door, > giving his aide an annoyed look. SERVO [as the Officer]: I hate you. > GANTRY OFFICER: Take over. We've got a bad transmitter. I'll see what > I can do. > As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the > towering Chewbacca. The gantry officer, in a momentary state of shock, > stumbles backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Wookiee flattens > the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reaches for his pistol, > but is blasted by Han, dressed as an Imperial stormtrooper. Ben and the > robots enter the room quickly, followed by Luke who is also dressed as a > stormtrooper. Luke quickly removes his helmet. ALL [screaming]: Nooo! Put it back on! > LUKE: You know, between his howling and your blasting everything in > sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here. > HAN: Bring them on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking > around. > THREEPIO: We found the computer outlet, sir. CROW [as Ben]: Ooo! Let me check my e-mail. > BEN: Plug in. > Artoo punches his claw arm into the computer socket and the vast Imperial > brain network comes to life, feeding information to the little robot. MIKE [H.A.L. voice]: Greetings, Dr. Chandra. > After a few moments, he beeps something. > THREEPIO: He says he's found the main computer to power the tractor beam > that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location > appear on the monitor. The tractor beam is coupled to the main > reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals > will allow the ship to leave. SERVO [sarcastically]: Thanks, Mr. Science. > Ben studies the data on the monitor readout. > BEN: I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone. > HAN: Whatever you say. I've done more that I bargained for on this trip > already. > LUKE I want to go with you. > BEN: Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the droids. > LUKE: But he can... > BEN: They must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer > the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path > than mine. The Force will be with you...always. MIKE [as Ben]: Hang loose, Wormie. > Ben adjusts the lightsaber on his belt and silently steps out of the > command office, then disappears down a long grey hallway. Chewbacca > barks a comment and Han shakes his head in agreement. > HAN: Boy you said it, Chewie CROW: Hey! Cool HAN LUKE. Get it Mike? Cool Han Luke? [Mike ignores him.] > HAN: Where did you dig up that old fossil? > LUKE: Ben is a great man. > HAN: Yeah, great at getting us into trouble. > LUKE: I didn't hear you give any ideas... > HAN: Well, anything would be better than just hanging around waiting > for them to pick us up... > LUKE: Who do you think... > Suddenly Artoo begins to whistle and beep a blue streak. Luke goes over > to him. > LUKE: What is it? > THREEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her", > and keeps repeating, "She's here." > LUKE: Well, who...who has he found? CROW: Amelia Earhart? > Artoo whistles a frantic reply. > THREEPIO: Princess Leia. > LUKE: The princess? She's here? > HAN: Princess? What's going on? MIKE [as Luke]: I don't know, but don't call me Princess. > THREEPIO: Level five. Detention block A A-twenty-three. I'm afraid > she's scheduled to be terminated. > LUKE: Oh, no! We've got to do something. SERVO [as Luke]: How 'bout a benefit concert? > HAN: What are you talking about? > LUKE: The droids belong to her. She's the one in the message. We've got > to help her. > HAN: Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. The old man wants us to wait > right here. > LUKE: But he didn't know she was here. MIKE: Ben doesn't even know where *he* is. > Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block? > HAN: I'm not going anywhere. > LUKE: They're going to execute her. Look, a few minutes ago you said > you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want > to do is stay? CROW [as Solo, proudly]: I can also shake hands and play dead. > HAN: Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind. > LUKE: But they're going to kill her! > HAN: Better her than me. > LUKE: She's rich. > HAN: Rich? MIKE [as Han]: Hell of a strange name for a woman... > LUKE: Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the > reward would be... > HAN: What? > LUKE: Well more wealth that you can imagine. > HAN: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit! > LUKE: You'll get it! > HAN: I better! > LUKE: You will... MIKE [dramatically, in an AT&T voice]: Have you ever rescued a princess from a space fortress? You will! > HAN: All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this. > LUKE: All right. > HAN: What's your plan? > LUKE: Uh...Threepio, hand me those binders there will you? > Luke moves toward Chewbacca with electronic cuffs. > LUKE: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you. > Chewie lets out a hideous growl. SERVO [as Chewie]: Not here, Luke! I need to be romanced first. > LUKE: Okay. Han, you put these on. > Luke sheepishly hands the binders to Han. MIKE [as Han]: I'm not in the mood either. Oh, I see what you mean. > HAN: Don't worry, Chewie. I think I know what he has in mind. > THREEPIO: Master Luke, sir! Pardon me for asking...but, CROW [as C3PO]: What happened to your face? > what should Artoo and I do if we're discovered here? > LUKE: Lock the door! > HAN: And hope they don't have blasters. > THREEPIO: That isn't very reassuring. ALL: Shut up! > Luke and Han put on their armored stormtrooper helmets and start off > into the Death Star. > LUKE: I can't see a thing in this helmet. SERVO [as Han]: You've got it on backwards! > Luke and Han step forward to exit the elevator, but the door slides open > behind them. The giant Wookiee and his two guards enter the old grey > security station. Guards and laser gates are everywhere. > HAN: This is not going to work. > LUKE: Why didn't you say so before? > HAN: I did say so before! MIKE [as Luke, pleading]: Ummm... did I mention she's rich? > OFFICER: Where are you taking this... thing? > LUKE: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight. > OFFICER: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it. > The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in the > information. There are only three other troopers in the area. Luke and > Han survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, laser gates, and > camera eyes. Han unfastens one of Chewbacca's electronic cuffs and > shrugs to Luke. Suddenly Chewbacca throws up his hands MIKE: Touchdown! > and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Han's laser > rifle. > HAN: Look out! He's loose! CROW: Hey! That's a *little* more information about Chewbacca than I needed. > LUKE: He's going to pull us all apart! > HAN: Go get him! > The startled guards are momentarily dumbfounded. Luke and Han have > already pulled out their laser pistols and are blasting away at the > terrifying Wookiee. Their barrage of laserfire misses Chewbacca, but > hits the camera eyes, laser gate controls, and the Imperial guards. > The officer is the last of the guards to fall under the laserfire just > as he is about to push the alarm system. Han rushes to the comlink > system, which is screeching questions about what is going on. He > quickly checks the computer readout. > HAN: We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. > Here it is...cell twenty-one-eight-seven. You go get her. I'll > hold them here. SERVO: Hold who where? The room is EMPTY! > HAN: (sounding official) Everything is under control. Situation normal. > INTERCOM VOICE: What happened? CROW [as Han]: Oh, just me and the boys lettin' off a little steam... > HAN: (getting nervous) Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, > everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine > here, now, thank you. How are you? > INTERCOM VOICE: We're sending a squad up. > HAN: Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few > minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous. > INTERCOM VOICE: Who is this? What's your operating number? SERVO [as the voice]: What's your shoe size? > Han blasts the comlink and it explodes. > HAN: Boring conversation anyway. (yelling down the hall) Luke! We're > going to have company! MIKE [as Han]: Set the table! > Luke stops in front of one of the cells and blasts the door away with a > laser pistol. When the smoke clears, Luke sees the dazzling young > princess-senator. > LEIA: (finally) Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper? > Luke takes off his helmet. > LUKE: What? Oh...the uniform. I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. CROW [as Leia]: You're much wormier than I expected. > LEIA: You're who? > LUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with > Ben Kenobi. > LEIA: Ben Kenobi? Where is he? MIKE [as Luke]: Wandering around aimlessly. You're rich, right? > LUKE: Come on! > Darth Vader paces the room as Governor Tarkin sits at the far end of > the conference table. > VADER: He is here... SERVO [singing]: The Phantom of the Opera... > TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi! What makes you think so? > VADER: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it CROW [as Vader]: Was when Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie. > was in the presence of my old master. > TARKIN: Surely he must be dead by now. MIKE [Monty Python voice]: He's not quite dead... > VADER: Don't underestimate the power of the Force. > TARKIN: The Jedi are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. > You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. > There is a quiet buzz on the comlink. > TARKIN: Yes? > INTERCOM VOICE: Governor Tarkin, we have an emergency alert in > detention block A A-twenty-three. > TARKIN: The princess! Put all sections on alert! > VADER: Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him. SERVO [as Vader]: And that wormie kid, too. > TARKIN: If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape. > VADER: Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone. > Back in the detention block... > HAN: Chewie! > Chewbacca responds with a growling noise. > HAN: Get behind me! Get behind me! MIKE [biblical]: Get thee behind me, Chewie! > A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through > which several Imperial troops begin to emerge. Han and Chewie fire > laser pistols at them through the smoke and flame. They turn and run > down the cell hallway, meeting up with Luke and Leia. > HAN: Can't get out that way. CROW [as Han]: Hi! Are you the rich girl? > LEIA: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route. > HAN: (sarcastically) Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, Your > Highness. > Luke takes a small comlink transmitter from his belt. > LUKE: See-Threepio! See-Threepio! MIKE [as Han]: No, I can't. > THREEPIO: (over comlink) Yes sir? > LUKE: We've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay? > What was that? I didn't copy! > THREEPIO: I said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir. > The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out; all other > information on your level is restricted. CROW: All rights reserved. > Someone begins banging on the door. > TROOPER VOICE: Open up in there! SERVO [as the trooper]: Other people need to go too, you know! > THREEPIO: Oh, no! [Commercial break] -- END PART 5 -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 6, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > Luke and Leia crouch together in an alcove for protection as they > continue to exchange fire with troops. > LUKE: There isn't any other way out. CROW [as Leia]: But suicide is never the answer, Luke. > HAN: I can't hold them off forever! Now what? > LEIA: This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a > plan for getting out? > HAN: (pointing to Luke) He's the brains, sweetheart. > Luke manages a sheepish grin and shrugs his shoulders. MIKE [Goofy voice]: Uhhh... Gawrsh. > LUKE: Well, I didn't... > The princess grabs Luke's gun and fires at a small grate in the wall > next to Han, almost frying him. > HAN: What the hell are you doing? SERVO [as Leia]: Redecorating. > LEIA: Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, fly boy. > She jumps through the narrow opening as Han and Chewbacca look on in > amazement. > HAN: (to Chewie) Get in there you big furry oaf! I don't care what > you smell! > Han gives him a kick in the rear CROW [Butthead voice]: I'm gonna kick your ass, Beavis... > and the Wookiee disappears into the tiny opening. CROW [Butthead voice]: Whoa! That was cool. > HAN: Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to > like her. Get in there! SERVO: This is the most intense game of Laser Tag I've ever seen! > Luke ducks laserfire as he jumps into the darkness. Han fires off a > couple of quick blasts then dives into the chute himself. He emerges > into a garbage-filled room. MIKE: Hey! It's my old room! > HAN: (sarcastically) Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. > What an incredible smell you've discovered! CROW [as Luke]: That's just you, Han. > Let's get out of here! Get away from there... > LUKE: No! wait! > Han draws his laser pistol and fires at the hatch. The laserbolt > ricochets wildly around the room. [Everytime the shot hits a wall and bounces off, one of the Bots makes a pinball sound effect.] > Everyone dives for cover in the garbage as the bolt explodes almost on > top of them. SERVO: Tilt! Game Over. > LUKE: Will you forget it? I already tried it. It's magnetically sealed! > LEIA: Put that thing away! You're going to get us all killed. > HAN: Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control > until you led us down here. You know, it's not going to take them > long to figure out what happened to us. > LEIA: It could be worse. > A loud, horrible, inhuman moan works its way up from the murky depths. MIKE: It's Roseanne singing the National Anthem! > HAN: It's worse. > LUKE: There's something alive in here! > HAN: That's your imagination. CROW [as Luke, child's voice]: Huh-uh! 'Cause I don't have one. > LUKE: Something just moved past my leg! Look! Did you see that? > HAN: What? > LUKE: Help! SERVO [singing]: I need somebody... not just anybody... > Suddenly Luke is yanked under the garbage. > HAN: Luke! Luke! Luke! > Solo tries to get to Luke. Luke surfaces with a gasp of air and > thrashing of limbs. A membrane tentacle is wrapped around his throat. > LEIA: Luke! > Leia extends a long pipe toward him. > LEIA: Luke, Luke MIKE: So let's recap: the last minute of the film has just been people yelling "Luke" over and over, right? CROW: Seems that way to me. MIKE: Fine. I'll go back to sleep now. > grab a hold of this. > LUKE: Blast it, will you! My gun's jammed. > HAN: Where? > LUKE: Anywhere! Oh!! > Solo fires his gun downward. CROW [as Han]: Ow! My foot! > Luke is pulled back into the muck by the slimy tentacle. > HAN: Luke! Luke! MIKE: Luke! SERVO: Laura! MIKE: Chief? CROW: McCloud! > Suddenly the walls of the garbage receptacle shudder and move in a > couple of inches. With a rush of bubbles and muck Luke suddenly bobs > to the surface. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaaah! My underwear's all wet and sqooshy. > LEIA: Grab him! What happened? > LUKE: I don't know, it just let go of me and disappeared. CROW [Captain Nemo voice]: Har, the squid has eluded me grasp again. > HAN: I've got a very bad feeling about this. > Before anyone can say anything the walls begin to rumble and edge > toward the Rebels. > LUKE: The walls are moving! SERVO: Even if the plot isn't. > LEIA: Don't just stand there. Try to brace it with something! > They place poles and long metal beams between the closing walls, but > they are simply snapped and bent as the giant trashmasher rumbles on. > LUKE: Wait a minute! > Luke pulls out his comlink. > LUKE: Threepio! Come in Threepio! Threepio! MIKE [as Luke]: Answer me! Waaaaaaah! > Where could he be? > A soft buzzer and the muted voice of Luke calling out for See-Threepio > can be heard on Threepio's hand comlink, which is sitting on the > deserted computer console. Artoo and Threepio are nowhere in sight. > Suddenly there is a great explosion and the door of the control tower > flies across the floor. CROW: Umm... it was open, guys. > Four armed stormtroopers enter the chamber. > FIRST TROOPER: Take over! (pointing to the dead officer) See to him! > Look there! > A trooper pushes a button and the supply cabinet door slides open. > See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo are inside. > THREEPIO: They're madmen! They're heading for the prison level. ALL: ATTICA! ATTICA! > If you hurry, you might catch them. > FIRST OFFICER: (to his troops) Follow me! You stand guard. > THREEPIO: (to Artoo) Come on! > The guard aims a blaster at them. CROW [as the guard, cowboy voice]: This here's Betsy. > THREEPIO: Oh! All this excitement has overrun the circuits of my > counterpart here. If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to > maintenance. > TROOPER: All right. SERVO [as the guard]: I trust you implicitly. > The guard nods and Threepio, with little Artoo in tow, hurries out the > door. Back in the garbage room, Chewie is whining as the heroes try in > vain to stop the walls from crushing them. > LUKE: Threepio! Come in, Threepio! Threepio! > Han and Leia try to brace the contracting walls with a pole. Leia > begins to sink into the trash. MIKE [Wicked Witch voice]: I'm melting! Melting... > HAN: Get to the top! > LEIA: I can't. > LUKE: Where could he be? Threepio! Threepio, will you come in? > THREEPIO: They aren't here! Something must have happened to them. See > if they've been captured. > Little Artoo carefully plugs his claw arm into a new wall socket CROW: Connect 2400. > THREEPIO: Hurry! > The princess is frightened. They look at each other. Leia reaches out > and takes Han's hand and she holds it tightly. SERVO [singing]: I want to hold your hand... CROW: Shouldn't that be I want to hold you HAN? SERVO: Funny. Kill him, Mike. > HAN: One thing's for sure. We're all going to be a lot thinner! (to > Leia) Get on top of it! > LEIA: I'm trying! > THREEPIO: (to Artoo) Thank goodness, they haven't found them! Where > could they be? > Artoo frantically beeps something to See-Threepio. > THREEPIO: Use the comlink? Oh, my! I forgot I turned it off! CROW: What? Just a minute ago we saw the comlink lying on the counter with Luke's voice coming through it! How could it be turned off? Mike, help! My brain is overloading. MIKE: It's a continuity thing. You're supposed to pretend you don't notice. > Meanwhile, Luke is lying on his side, trying to keep his head above the > rising ooze. Luke's comlink begins to buzz and he rips it off his belt. SERVO [as Luke, commercial voice]: I never leave home without my Ericsson cellular phone. > THREEPIO: Are you there, sir? CROW: It's me, Margaret. > LUKE (over comlink): Threepio! > THREEPIO: We've had some problems... > LUKE: Will you shut up and listen to me? Shut down all garbage mashers > on the detention level, will you? Do you copy? Shut down all the > garbage mashers on the detention level. Shut down all the garbage > mashers on the detention level! MIKE [idiot voice]: So which garbage mashers do you want us to shut down? > THREEPIO: (to Artoo) No. Shut them all down! Hurry! > Threepio holds his head in agony as he hears the incredible screaming > and hollering from Luke's comlink. > THREEPIO: Listen to them! They're dying, Artoo! SERVO [as C3PO, proudly]: We finally managed to kill them! > Curse my metal body! I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault! My poor > master! > LUKE: (over comlink) Threepio, we're all right! > The screaming and hollering is the sound of joyous relief. The walls > have stopped moving. Han, Chewie and Leia embrace in the background. > LUKE: We're all right. You did great. > Luke moves to the pressure sensitive hatch, looking for a number. MIKE [as Luke]: It says "For a good time, call..." > LUKE: Hey...hey, open the pressure maintenance hatch on unit number... > where are we? > HAN: (over comlink) Three-two-six-eight-two-seven. SERVO [singing]: 867-5309... > Ben enters a humming service trench that powers the huge tractor beam. > The trench seems to be a hundred miles deep. The clacking sound of huge > switching devices can be heard. The old Jedi edges his way along a > narrow ledge leading to a control panel that connects two large cables. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I went for a walk after my nap, and now I can't find Grandma's house... ooh! Pretty buttons and knobs to play with! > He carefully makes several adjustments in the computer terminal, and > several lights on the board go from red to blue. > Han and Luke remove the trooper suits and strap on the blaster belts. > HAN: If we can just avoid any more female advice, we ought to be able > to get out of here. > Luke smiles and scratches his head as he takes a blaster from Solo. MIKE [as Leia]: What're *you* smiling at, Soppy? > LUKE: Well, let's get moving! > HAN: (to Chewie) Where are you going? > The Dia Nogu bangs against the hatch and a long, slimy tentacle works > its way out of the doorway searching for a victim. Han aims his pistol. > LEIA: No, wait. They'll hear! SERVO [screaming]: WHAT? > Han fires at the doorway. The noise of the blast echoes relentlessly > throughout the empty passageway. > HAN: (to Chewie) Come here, you big coward! > Chewie shakes his head "no." > HAN: Chewie! Come here! CROW [as Han, tempting]: I'll give you some Snausages... > LEIA: Listen. I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but > from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay? > Han is stunned at the command of the petite young girl. > HAN: Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight! I take > orders from one person! MIKE [as Han]: My psychic advisor! > Me! > LEIA: It's a wonder you're still alive. (looking at Chewie) Will > somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way? > HAN: No reward is worth this. > Ben hides from Stormtroopers near the tractor beam generator. > OFFICER: Secure this area until the alert is canceled. > FIRST TROOPER: Give me regular reports. CROW [whiny voice]: The Earth is still round, sir. > FIRST TROOPER: Do you know what's going on? > SECOND TROOPER: Maybe it's another drill. > Ben moves around the tractor beam, watching the stormtroopers as they > turn their backs to him. Ben gestures with his hand toward them, MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Shazam! > as the troops think they hear something in the other hallway. > SECOND TROOPER: What was that? > FIRST TROOPER: Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. CROW [as the Trooper]: Just a minor plot point sneaking by. > Luke takes out his pocket comlink. > HAN: (looking at his ship) There she is. > LUKE: See-Threepio, do you copy? SERVO [as C3PO]: Only at Kinkos, Master Luke. [Mike and Crow groan.] > THREEPIO: (voice) For the moment. Uh, we're in the main hangar across > from the ship. > LUKE: We're right above you. Stand by. > LEIA: You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought. CROW [as Leia]: I didn't even know waffle irons could fly. > HAN: Nice! Come on! > Han gives her a dirty look, and they start off down the hallway. > They round a corner and run right into twenty Imperial stormtroopers > heading toward them. Both groups are taken by surprise and stop in > their tracks. > FIRST TROOPER: It's them! Blast them! CROW [as the trooper, Redneck voice]: I see something! Let's shoot it! > HAN: (to Luke and Leia) Get back to the ship! > LUKE: Where are you going? Come back! > LEIA: He certainly has courage. SERVO: Makes up for his lack of brains. > LUKE: What good will it do us if he gets himself killed? Come on! > Han chases the stormtroopers down a long subhallway. CROW [as Han]: I'm "it"! Here I come, ready or not! > The troops round a corner, and run into a roomful of other stormtroopers! > Han stops a few feet from them and assumes a defensive position. The > troops begin to raise their laser guns. Soon all ten troopers are moving > into an attack position in front of the lone starpirate. Han's > determined look begins to fade as the troops begin to advance. Solo > jumps backward as they fire at him. MIKE [James Brown voice]: Uh! Jump back, kiss myself! > Chewbacca runs down the subhallway in a last-ditch attempt to save his > bold captain. Suddenly he hears the firing of laser guns and yelling. > Around the corner shoots Han, pirate extraordinaire, running for his > life, followed by a host of furious stormtroopers. SERVO [dramatic voice]: Han Solo *is* the Running Man. > Luke fires his laser pistol wildly as he and Leia rush down a narrow > subhallway, chased by several stormtroopers. They quickly reach the end > of the subhallway and race through an open hatchway. Luke and Leia find > themselves on a narrow platforme that spans a huge, deep shaft that seems > to go into infinity. The bridge has been retracted into the wall of the > shaft, and Luke almost rushes into the abyss. ALL [screaming]: Push him in! Leia, push him in! > LUKE: (gasping) I think we took a wrong turn. > Their words echo loudly throughout the shaft. Blasts from the > stormtroopers' laser guns explode nearby, remind them of the oncoming > danger. Luke fires back at the advancing troops. Leia reaches over and > hits a switch that pops the hatch door shut with a resounding boom. > LEIA: There's no lock! > Luke blasts the controls with his laser pistol. > LUKE: That oughta hold it for a while. MIKE [as Leia]: Ooo! How masculine! > LEIA: Quick, we've got to get across. Find the controls that extend > the bridge. > LUKE: Oh, I think I just blasted it. CROW [Homer Simpson voice]: D'oh! > Luke looks at the blasted bridge control while the stormtroopers on the > opposite side of the door begin making ominous drilling and pounding > sounds. > LEIA: They're coming through! SERVO [as Jimmy Page]: Has anybody seen the bridge? Where's that confounded bridge? > Luke notices something on his stormtrooper belt, when laserfire hits the > wall behind him. Luke aims his laser pistol at a stormtrooper perched on > a higher bridge overhang across the abyss from them. They exchange fire. > Two more troops appear on another overhang, also firing. A trooper is hit, > and grabs at his chest. MIKE [Med-Alert voice]: I'm having... chest pains! > Another trooper standing on the bridge overhang is hit by Luke's > laserfire, and plummets down the shaft. Troopers move back off the > bridge; Luke hands the gun to Leia. > LUKE: Here, hold this. CROW [as Luke]: Let's get *your* fingerprints on the murder weapon. > Luke pulls a thin nylon cable from his trooper utility belt. It has a > grappler hook on it. A trooper appears on a bridge overhang and fires at > Luke and Leia. As Luke works with the rope, Leia returns the laser > volley. Another trooper appears and fires at them, as Leia returns his > fire as well. Suddenly, the hatch door begins to open, revealing the > feet of more troops. > LEIA: Here they come! ALL [singing]: Walking down the street... > Luke tosses the rope across the gorge and it wraps itself around an > outcropping of pipes. He tugs on the rope to make sure it is secure, > then grabs the princess in his arms. Leia looks at Luke, then kisses > him quickly on the lips. MIKE [as Leia]: Gimme that tongue, Wormie. > LEIA: For luck! > Luke pushes off and they swing across the treacherous abyss to the > corresponding hatchway on the opposite side. [Mike and the Bots give Tarzan yells.] > Just as Luke and Leia reach the far side of the canyon, the storm- > troopers break through the hatch and begin to fire at the escaping > duo. Luke returns the fire before ducking into the tiny subhallway. > Elsewhere, Ben hides in the shadows of the narrow passageway as several > stormtroopers rush past him in the main hallway. He checks to make sure > they're gone, then runs down the hallway in the opposite direction. SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I'm thirsty and I'm missing Matlock! > Darth Vader appears at the far end of the hallway and starts after the > old Jedi as Han and Chewbacca run down a long corridor with several > troopers hot on their trail. SERVO [as a Trooper]: But sir, we just want to know if you've ever *really* considered the advantages of aluminum siding... > TROOPER: Close the blast doors! > At the end of the hallway, blast doors begin to close in front of them. > The young starpilot and his furry companion race past the huge doors just > as they are closing, and manage to get off a couple off laserblasts at > the pursuing troops before the doors slam shut. > TROOPER: Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors! CROW [Nelson laugh]: Ha ha! > Darth Vader steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not ten feet away. > Vader lights his saber. Ben also ignites his and steps slowly forward. > VADER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. > The circle is now complete. MIKE [as Vader]: Of course, before it was complete it wasn't really a circle... more a sort-of arc. > VADER: When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. > BEN: Only a master of evil, Darth. SERVO [dramatically, as Vader]: Bite me. > The two Galactic warriors stand perfectly still for a few moments, > sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment. Suddenly they > begin to duel with the laser swords. [Every time the lightsabers meet, Crow gives an exaggerated Grandpa Simpson-type gasp of pain/fatigue.] > They continue to fight. > VADER: Your powers are weak, old man. CROW: So's his bladder. > BEN: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more > powerful than you can possibly imagine. > Han Solo and Chewbacca, their weapons in hand, lean back against the > wall surveying the forward bay, watching the Imperial stormtroopers > make their rounds of the hangar. > HAN: Didn't we just leave this party? > Chewbacca growls a reply, as Luke and the princess join them. > HAN: What kept you? MIKE [as Leia, excited]: There was a sale! > LEIA: We ran into some old friends. > LUKE: Is the ship all right? > HAN: Seems okay, if we can get to it. Just hope the old man got the > tractor beam out of commission. > Vader and Ben Kenobi continue their powerful duel. Troopers look on in > interest as the old Jedi and Dark Lord of The Sith fight. CROW [Dragnet voice]: Now there's something you don't see every day. SERVO [Dragnet voice]: What's that, Joe? CROW [Dragnet voice]: Electric broomsticks. > Suddenly Luke spots the battle from his group's vantage point. > LUKE: Look! > Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie look up and see Ben and Vader emerging > from the hallways on the far side of the docking bay. Threepio and > Artoo-Detoo see the Troopers leave. > THREEPIO: Come on, Artoo, we're going! > HAN: Now's our chance! Go! > They start for the Millennium Falcon. Ben sees the troops charging > toward him and realizes that he is trapped. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Hey! You're not the mailman... where am I? > Vader takes advantage of Ben's momentary distraction and brings his > mighty lightsaber down on the old man. Ben manages to deflect the blow > and swiftly turns around. The old Jedi Knight looks over his shoulder > at Luke, lifts his sword from Vader's then watches his opponent with a > serene look on his face. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Maybe if I play possum, he won't see me. > Vader brings his sword down, cutting old Ben in half. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Oh poopie. > Ben's cloak falls to the floor in two parts, but Ben is not in it. Vader > is puzzled at Ben's disappearance and pokes at the empty cloak. As the > guards are distracted, the adventurers and the robots reach the starship. > Luke sees Ben cut in two and starts for him. Aghast, he yells out. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaaah! > LUKE: No! > The stormtroopers turn toward Luke and begin firing at him. > HAN: (to Luke) Come on! > LEIA: Come on! Luke, its too late! > HAN: Blast the door, kid! MIKE: And damn the torpedos while you're at it! > Luke fires his pistol at the door control panel, and it explodes. The > door begins to slide shut. Three troopers charge forward firing laser > bolts, as the door slides to a close behind them, shutting Vader and > the other troops out of the docking bay. Luke starts for the advancing > troops, as Solo and Leia move up the ramp into the pirateship. > BEN'S VOICE: Run, Luke! Run! > Luke looks around to see where the voice came from. He turns toward the > pirateship, ducking Imperial gunfire from the troopers and races into > the ship. CROW [muffled]: Watch out for snakes! > HAN: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out if commission, or > this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it! > The Millennium Falcon powers away from the Death Star docking bay, > makes a spectacular turn and disappears into the vastness of space. > Luke, saddened by the loss of Obi-Wan Kenobi, stares off blankly as > the robots look on. Leia puts a blanket around him protectively, and > Luke turns and looks up at her. MIKE [as Leia, Minnesota voice]: Oh here ya go, honey. CROW [Minnesota voice]: You cover up, now. You'll catch your death of cold, shivering there in your sopping wet underwear and all... > Solo spots approaching enemy ships. > HAN: (to Chewie) We're coming up on the sentry ships. Hold 'em off! > Angle the deflector shields while I charge up the main guns! > Luke looks downward sadly, shaking his head back and forth, as the > princess smiles comfortingly at him. > LUKE: I can't believe he's gone. MIKE [as Luke]: I loved him so much, to have only known him one day. > LEIA: There wasn't anything you could have done. > Han rushes into the hold area where Luke is sitting with the princess. CROW [as Han]: Hi! Menage a trois? MIKE: Crow! > HAN: (to Luke) Come on, buddy, we're not out of this yet! > Luke climbs down the ladder into the gunport cockpit, settling into one > of the two main laser cannons mounted in large rotating turrets on either > side of the ship. MIKE [as Luke, sniffling]: Well, maybe blowing things up will help ease the pain... > Han adjusts his headset as he sits before the controls of his laser > cannon, then speaks into the attached microphone. > HAN: (to Luke) You in, kid? Okay, stay sharp! CROW: It's impossible for anybody that dull to be sharp! > Chewbacca and Princess Leia search the heavens for attacking TIE fighters. > The Wookiee pulls back on the speed controls as the ship bounces slightly. SERVO: Oh this is just too tense, Mike. I can't take it. [He hops into Mike's lap.] Mike and the Bots leave the theater, and the doorway sequence takes us back to: -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* INT: SATELLITE OF LOVE. Crow stands alone on the SoL. He wears a black cape and face mask, with holes cut in the mask for his eyes. CROW [Darth Vader voice, practicing]: Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him. [Normal voice]: No, that's not right. I'll try again. [Vader voice]: Obi-Wan *IS* here! The Force is with him!! Gypsy enters from the left. GYPSY: Hi Crow. How's the movie? CROW [Darth Vader voice]: I have been seduced by the dark side of the Force, Gypsy. GYPSY: Huh. [slowly] Ummm... Gee. That's too bad, Crow. CROW [as Vader]: Crow? You would insult the Dark Lord of the Sith by referring to him with a bird's name? GYPSY: Umm... your name is Crow. CROW [as Vader]: That name no longer has any meaning for me, my son. GYPSY: I don't think I'm your son. CROW [normal voice]: Oh come on, Gypsy! I need you to play along if I'm gonna fool Servo and Mike into thinking I've gone over to the dark side! GYPSY: Sorry. It's just not very convincing. CROW: I even had Cambot program some sound effects, so I can imitate Vader's breathing. Hit it, Cambot! Immediately the sound of sinister breathing fills the room. CROW: Pretty cool, huh? GYPSY: [sighs] I don't know why I bother coming in here. Gypsy leaves. Mike and Servo enter the room from the right. MIKE: Hi, Crow. Wow, great costume! And you've even got that Vader breathing sound going. SERVO [laughing]: I think he looks ridiculous. CROW [as Vader]: I find your lack of faith disturbing. SERVO: You look like a pansy. CROW [as Vader]: Be silent, or you will incur my wrath! SERVO: Well do something about it, Crow! C'mon! Use your magic powers to make me be quiet! Pansy! Pansy! Pansy! CROW [as Vader]: I... well... I... SERVO: Aha! You can't, can you? You're not a Jedi. Can you make anything float? NO! Can you forsee the future? NO! You're just a Jedi wanna-be, Crow. CROW [as Vader]: NO! You must not say such things! I... I... [normal voice, sobbing]: Oh, you're right, Servo. I try and try, but I just can't feel the Force flowing through me. MIKE: Oh, it's okay, Crow. [He pats Crow's shoulder reassuringly.] We love you for who you are, not who you're trying to be. SERVO: Speak for yourself, Mike. MIKE: Now c'mere. Let's get you out of that mask and cape. He reaches for Crow's mask, but Crow shirks away. CROW [as Vader]: No! You must not remove my mask! I'll die without it. MIKE: What? You'll be fine without the mask, Crow. You're a robot, remember? You've gotten along for *years* without it. CROW [as Vader]: It is... too late... for me... my son. SERVO: Oh brother. Commercial sign light begins to flash. CROW [as Vader]: I feel a great disturbance in the film... as if a string of commercials were about to cry out... Mike sighs and hits the button. We go to commercials. -- END PART 6 -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 7, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- Mike and the Bots re-enter the theater. Crow is still wearing his Darth Vader cape and mask. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* > Luke sits in readiness for the attack, his hand on the laser cannon's > control button. CROW [Droopy Dog voice]: Are you ready to rumble? > Chewbacca spots the enemy ships and barks. > LEIA: (into intercom) Here they come! SERVO [singing]: Walking down the street... MIKE: Alright, guys. I think we've gotten as much mileage out of the Monkees jokes as we're likely to get. > The stars whip past behind the Imperial pilot as he adjusts his > maneuvering joy stick. > Threepio is seated in the hold area, next to Artoo-Detoo. The pirateship > bounces and vibrates as the power goes out in the room and then comes > back on. MIKE: Aww! Now all the clock's are gonna be flashing '12:00' again! > Luke fires at an unseen fighter. > LUKE: They're coming in too fast! SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! Waaaah! > The ship shudders as a laserbolt hits very close to the cockpit. MIKE [as Picard]: Shields up. Damage report, Number One. CROW [as Troi]: Captain, I sense... hostility. > The two TIE fighters fire a barrage of laserbeams at the pirateship. > A laserbolt streaks into the side of the pirateship. The ship lurches > violently, throwing poor Threepio into a cabinet fill of small computer > chips. SERVO [Rodney King voice, pleading]: Can't we all just get along? > Leia watches the computer readout CROW [as Leia]: Can you keep it down? My soaps are on! > as Chewbacca manipulates the ship's controls. > LEIA: We've lost lateral controls. > HAN: Don't worry, she'll hold together. > An enemy laserbolt hits the pirateship's control panel, causing it > to blow out in a shower of sparks. MIKE [pointing]: Oh, it's a Goldstar. > HAN: (to ship) You hear me, baby? Hold together! > Artoo-Detoo advances toward the smoking sparking control panel, > dousing the inferno by spraying it with fire retardant beeping all > the while. Luke swivels in his gun mount, following the TIE fighter > with his laser cannon. SERVO [nerdy voice]: Captain Wormie, Space Ranger! > A TIE fighter streaks in front of the starship. > Leia watches the TIE fighter ship fly over. CROW: Mike, how did the soundman get the TIE-fighters to make that cool sound when they fly by? MIKE: I'm not sure. Kinda sounds like a humpback whale in a blender. CROW: Hey, that would be interesting sound-effect to record sometime! I just need a whale... MIKE: No, Crow. Absolutely not. > A TIE fighter heads right for the pirateship, then zooms overhead. Luke > follows the TIE fighter across his field of view, firing laserbeams > from his cannon. CROW: What if I were extra good, Mike, and cleaned my room every day? MIKE: No, Crow. > A TIE fighter dives past the pirateship. CROW: Pretty please? MIKE: No, Crow. > Luke fires at a TIE fighter. At his port, Han follows a fighter in his > sights, releasing a blast of laserfire. He connects, and the fighter > explodes into fiery dust. Han laughs victoriously. CROW: Not even a little whale? MIKE: No, Crow. > Two TIE fighters move toward and over the Millennium Falcon, unleashing > a barrage of laserbolts at the ship. Another TIE fighter moves in on the > pirateship and Luke, smiling, fires the laser cannon at it, scoring a > spectacular direct hit. > LUKE: Got him! I got him! SERVO [as Luke]: I'm gonna treat him right and never let him go! > HAN: Great kid! Don't get cocky. > While Chewbacca manipulates the controls, Leia turns, looking over her > shoulder out the ports. > LEIA: There are still two more of them out there! > A TIE fighter moves up over the pirateship, firing laserblasts at it. CROW: 'Cause you see, Mike, I wouldn't need a *big* whale, and I'd feed it and walk it every day... MIKE: No, Crow. > The TIE fighter zooms toward the pirateship, firing destructive blasts at > it. Luke fires a laserblast at the approaching enemy fighter, and it > bursts into a spectacular explosion. SERVO [as the pilot]: I regret nothing! > Luke's projected screen gives a readout of the hit. The pirateship bounces > slightly as it is struck by the enemy fire. The last of the attacking > Imperial TIE fighters looms in, firing upon the Falcon. CROW: You know, I bet I could potty train a whale... MIKE: Alright Crow, that's it! Go stand in the corner of the theater. Go! [Mike points.] CROW [whining]: But Daaaaaaaad... MIKE: Right now, young man! [Crow walks offscreen to the right, sobbing quietly as he does so.] > Solo swivels behind his cannon, his aim describing the arc of the TIE > fighter. The fighter comes closer, firing at the pirateship, but a well- > aimed blast from Solo's laser cannon hits the attacker, which blows up > in a small atomic shower of burning fragments. MIKE: So they have the greenhouse effect here, too. > LUKE: (laughing) That's it! We did it! > The princess jumps up and gives Chewie a congratulatory hug. > LEIA: We did it! SERVO: Did what? She just sat there! > Threepio lies on the floor of the ship, completely tangled in the smoking, > sparking wires. > THREEPIO: Help! I think I'm melting! (to Artoo) This is all your fault. > Artoo turns his dome from side to side, beeping in response. The > victorious Millennium Falcon moves off majestically through space. > Darth Vader strides into the control room, where Tarkin is watching the > huge view screen. MIKE [as Vader]: Can we turn it to the big game? > TARKIN: Are they away? > VADER: They have just made the jump into hyperspace. > TARKIN: You're sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm > taking an awful risk, Vader. This had better work. > Han, removes his gloves and smiling, is at the controls of the ship. > Chewie moves into the aft section to check the damage. Leia is seated > near Han. > HAN: Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? SERVO [as Han]: Only 25% of the crew lost! > You know, sometimes I even amaze myself. > LEIA: That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go. It's the > only explanation for the ease of our escape. > HAN: Easy...you call that easy? > LEIA: They're tracking us! > HAN: Not this ship, sister. MIKE [calling]: Crow! Do you think you can come back and join us? CROW [sniffling, from offscreen]: Yes, sir. MIKE: Okay, then. [Crow re-enters and sits back down.] CROW: I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE: It's okay, honey. CROW: So anyway, when I get my whale, can he take baths with me? MIKE: AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! > Frustrated, Leia shakes her head. > LEIA: At least the information in Artoo is still intact. > HAN: What's so important? What's he carrying? MIKE: The archived posts of alt.make.money.fast! > LEIA: The technical readouts of that battle station. I only hope that > when the data is analyzed, a weakness can be found. It's not over yet! > HAN: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and > I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it > for the money! > LEIA: You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, > then that's what you'll receive! > She angrily turns, and starts out of the cockpit. CROW [as Han]: Wow, that was easier than I expected! I probably should have asked for some new clothes, too... > She passes Luke coming in. > LEIA: Your friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares > about anything... or anyone. > LUKE: I care! MIKE [as Luke]: Love me! > Luke, shaking his head, sits in the copilot seat. He and Han stare out > at the vast blackness of space. > LUKE: So... what do you think of her, Han? > HAN: I'm trying not to, kid. > LUKE: (under his breath) Good. > HAN: Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, what do you think? SERVO [imitating Han]: I'm trying not to, kid. > Do you think a princess and a guy like me... > LUKE: No! > Luke says it with finality and looks away. Han smiles at young Luke's > jealousy. MIKE [disapprovingly]: He just radiates "smug", doesn't he? > The pirateship soars over the dense jungle. ALL [singing]: Welcome to the jungle... > Rotting in a forest of gargantuan trees, an ancient temple lies shrouded > in mist. The air is heavy with the fantastic cries of unimaginable > creatures. Han, Luke and the others are greeted by the Rebel troops. > Luke and the group ride into the massive temple on an armored military > speeder. Willard, the commander of the Rebel forces, rushes up to the > group and gives Leia a big hug. Every one is pleased to see her. > WILLARD: (holding Leia) You're safe! We had feared the worst. CROW [as Willard]: We thought Abba was reuniting. > Willard composes himself, steps back and bows formally. > WILLARD: When we heard about Alderaan, we were afraid that you were... > lost along with your father. > LEIA: We don't have time for our sorrows, Commander. You must use the > information in this R2 unit to plan the attack. It is our only hope. SERVO: I thought Obi-Wan was her only hope! MIKE: Leia goes through "only hopes" pretty quickly. > Grand Moff Tarkin and Lord Vader are interrupted in their discussion by > the buzz of the comlink. Tarkin moves to answer the call. > TARKIN: Yes? > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel > base is on a moon on the far side. We are preparing to orbit the > planet. SERVO: By taking L.S.D. > A lone guard stands in a tower high above the Yavin landscape, surveying > the countryside. A mist hangs over the jungle of twisted green. All is > quiet. MIKE [as the guard]: Yep. The grass is still growing. > Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display. Leia and several > other senators are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged > room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of R2-type > robots. > DODONNA: The battle station is heavily shielded and carries a firepower > greater than half the star fleet. Its defenses are designed around a > direct large-scale assault. A small one-man fighter should be able to > penetrate the outer defense. CROW [sarcastically]: Oh, why don't you just upload a computer virus into it with your Macintosh? > Gold Leader, a rough looking man in his early thirties, stands and > addresses Dodonna. > GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub fighters > going to be against that? > DODONNA: Well, the Empire doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be > any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans > provided by Princess Leia has demonstrate a weakness in the battle > station. SERVO [as Dodonna]: It loves chocolate. > DODONNA: The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver > straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The > target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust > port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the > reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which > should destroy the station. SERVO: Chain Reaction? Ack! They didn't tell us Keanu Reeves was in this movie! MIKE [yelling]: Curse you, Doctor Forrester! > A murmer of disbelief runs through the room. > DODONNA: Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is > ray-shielded, CROW: By a guy named Ray. > so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. > Luke is sitting next to Wedge Antilles, a hotshot pilot about sixteen > years old. > WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer. > LUKE: It's not impossible. I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-sixteen > back home. SERVO [as Luke]: Until the SPCA made me quit. > They're not much bigger than two meters. > DODONNA: Man your ships! And may the Force be with you! > Tarkin and Vader watch the computer projected screen with interest. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. > The moon with the Rebel base will be in range in thirty minutes. > VADER: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Kenobi > and it will soon see the end of the Rebellion. CROW: As we know it, and I feel fine. > Luke, Threepio and little Artoo enter the huge spaceship hangar and hurry > along a long line of gleaming spacefighters. Flight crews rush around > loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power couplings. In an area > isolated from this activity Luke finds Han and Chewbacca loading small > boxes onto an armored speeder. > MAN'S VOICE: (over loudspeaker) All flight troops, man your stations. All > flight troops, man your stations. MIKE [idiot voice]: So should we man our stations, then? > Han is deliberately ignoring the activity of the fighter pilots' > preparation. Luke is quite saddened at the sight of his friend's > departure. > LUKE: So...you got your reward and you're just leaving then? > HAN: That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with > this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to > stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty > good in a fight. I could use you. SERVO [as Han]: As firewood. > LUKE: (getting angry) Come on! Why don't you take a look around? You know > what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good > pilot like you. You're turning your back on them. > HAN: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, > attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more > like suicide. CROW [as Han, brightly]: So have at it, Wormie! > LUKE: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what > you're best at, isn't it? > Luke goes off and Han hesitates, then calls to him. > HAN: Hey, Luke... may the Force be with you! > Luke turns and sees Han wink at him. Luke lifts his hand in a small wave. SERVO [as Luke, Australian accent]: Oy. > Han turns to Chewie who growls at his captain. > HAN: What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doing. > Luke, Leia, and Dodonna meet under a huge space fighter. > LEIA: What's wrong? MIKE [as Luke, whining]: I can't get my zipper up. > LUKE: Oh, it's Han! I don't know, I really thought he'd change his mind. > LEIA: He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him. > LUKE: I only wish Ben were here. > Leia gives Luke a little kiss, [Mike and the Bots make "suction-cup" sounds.] > turns, and goes off. As Luke heads for his ship, another pilot rushes up > to him and grabs his arm. CROW [as Biggs]: Wormie! > BIGGS: Luke! I don't believe it! How'd you get here...are you going out > with us?! > LUKE: Biggs! Of course, I'll be up there with you! Listen, have I got some > stories to tell... SERVO [as Luke]: I'll start with "Little Red Riding Hood". > Red Leader, a rugged handsome man in his forties, comes up behind Luke > and Biggs. He has the confident smile of a born leader. > RED LEADER: Are you... Luke Skywalker? MIKE: Queen of Scots? > Have you been checked out on the Incom T-sixty-five? > BIGGS: Sir, Luke is the best bushpilot in the outer rim territories. CROW: Really? I would've sworn he was a virg... [Mike immediately reaches over and snaps Crow's mouth shut.] CROW [muffled]: Mmmpf! > Red Leader pats Luke on the back as they stop in front of his fighter. > RED LEADER: I met your father once when I was just a boy, he was a great > pilot. You'll do all right. If you've got half of your father's skill, > you'll do better than all right. > LUKE: Thank you, sir. I'll try. MIKE [as Luke]: I'll try not to shoot myself down, sir. > Red Leader hurries to his own ship. > BIGGS: I've got to get aboard. Listen, you'll tell me your stories when > we come back. All right? > LUKE: I told you I'd make it someday, Biggs. > BIGGS: (going off) You did, all right. It's going to be like old times, > Luke. SERVO [as Biggs]: Yeah, like all those other times we've blown up Imperial space stations together... > We're a couple of shooting stars that'll never be stopped! > Luke laughs and shakes his head in agreement. He heads for his ship. As > Luke begins to climb up the ladder into his sleek, deadly spaceship, the > crew chief, who is working on the craft, points to little Artoo, who is > being hoisted into a socket on the back of the fighter. CROW [muffled]: Mmmpf! Mmmpf! MIKE [still holding Crow's mouth shut]: Whoops! Sorry, buddy. I forgot. [He lets go of Crow.] CROW [annoyed]: Sheesh, Mike. > CHIEF: This R2 unit of your seems a bit beat up. Do you want a new one? > LUKE: Not on your life! That little droid and I have been through a lot > together. You okay, Artoo? > Artoo beeps a "yes" as the crewmen lower Artoo-Detoo into the craft. SERVO: Insert droid for 2-3 minutes, or until golden brown. > Luke climbs up into the cockpit of his fighter and puts on his helmet. > Threepio looks on from the floor of the massive hangar as the crewmen > secure his little electronic partner into Luke's X-wing as Artoo beeps > good-bye. > CHIEF: Okay, easy she goes! > THREEPIO: Hang on tight, Artoo, you've got to come back. > Artoo beeps in agreement. > THREEPIO: You wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you? MIKE [as C3PO]: Keep warm, honey. > Artoo whistles his reply. All final preparations are made for the > approaching battle. The hangar is buzzing with the last minute activity > as the pilots and crewmen alike make their final adjustments. The hum of > activity is occasionally trespassed by the distorted voice of the > loudspeaker issuing commands. Coupling hoses are disconnected from the > ships as they are fueled. Cockpit shields roll smoothly into place over > each pilot. A signalman, holding red guiding lights, directs the ships. SERVO [as though he were an intercom voice]: The red zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no parking in the red zone. > Luke, a trace of a smile gracing his lips, peers about through his goggles. > BEN'S VOICE: Luke, the Force will be with you. > Luke is confused at the voice and taps his headphones. MIKE [as Luke]: Hey, could I get some Collective Soul in here? > The princess, Threepio, and a field commander sit quietly before the > giant display showing the planet Yavin and its four moons. The red dot > that represents the Death Star moves ever closer to the system. CROW: Oh, it's a new version of Pac-Man. > A series of green dots appear around the fourth moon. A din of indistinct > chatter fills the war room. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes. > The Death Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Yavin in > the foreground, as many X-wing fighters flying in formation zoom toward us > and out of the frame. [Mike and the Bots scream in terror as the X-Wings head right for them.] > Red Leader lowers his visor CROW: Easy Rider, no! > and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men. > RED LEADER: All wings report in. > RED TEN: Red Ten standing by. > RED SEVEN: Red Seven standing by. > BIGGS: Red Three standing by. > PORKINS: Red Six standing by. > RED NINE: Red Nine standing by. > WEDGE: Red Two standing by. > RED ELEVEN: Red Eleven standing by. > LUKE: Red Five standing by. SERVO: Big Bird standing by. > The group of X-wing fighters move in formation toward the Death Star, > unfolding the wings and locking them in the "X" position. CROW: So that's why they're called X-Wing Fighters? SERVO [puzzled]: I thought it meant that they used to be Wing Fighters, but weren't anymore. > RED LEADER: (over headset) We're passing through their magnetic field. > Hold tight! > Luke adjusts his controls as he concentrates on the approaching Death Star. > The ship begins to be buffeted slightly. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Switch your deflectors on. > The fighters, now X-shaped darts, move in formation. The Death Star now > appears to be a small moon growing rapidly in size as the Rebel fighters > approach. Complex patterns on the metallic surface begin to become > visible. A large dish antenna is built into the surface on one side. SERVO: Oh, I bet they get the Sci-Fi channel. > WEDGE: Look at the size of that thing! MIKE: Oh, zip your pants, Wedge. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Cut the chatter, Red Two. Accelerate to > attack speed. This is it, boys! SERVO [as Red Leader]: We're all gonna die! > GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. > RED LEADER: (over headset) I copy, Gold Leader. > GOLD LEADER: We're starting for the target shaft now. > Red Leader looks around at his wingmen; the Death Star looming in from > behind. Two Y-wing fighters bob back and forth in the background. He > moves his computer targeting device into position. > RED LEADER: We're in position. I'm going to cut across the axis and try > and draw their fire. > Two squads of Rebel fighters peel off. The X-wings dive towards the Death > Star surface. A thousand lights glow across the dark grey expanse of the > huge station. Laserbolts streak through the star-filled night. CROW: So how come they never film outer-space sequences during the day? > The Rebel X-wing fighters move in toward the Imperial base, as the Death > Star aims its massive laser guns at the Rebel forces and fires. Princess > Leia listens to the battle over the intercom. Threepio is at her side. MIKE [as Leia]: Oh, this is boring. Switch it over to Howard Stern. > WEDGE: (over war room speaker system) Heavy fire, boss! Twenty-degrees. > RED LEADER: (over speaker) I see it. Stay low. > An X-wing zooms across the surface of the Death Star. [Servo makes the sound of the Jetsons' car.] > Luke nosedives radically, starting his attack on the monstrous fortress. > The Death Star surface streaks past the cockpit window. > LUKE: This is Red Five; I'm going in! MIKE [as Biggs]: Good luck, Wormie. > Luke's X-wing races toward the Death Star. Laserbolts streak from Luke's > weapons, creating a huge fireball explosion on the dim surface. Terror > crosses Luke's face as he realizes he won't be able to pull out in time to > avoid the fireball. > BIGGS: (over headset) Luke, pull up! > Luke's ship emerges from the fireball, with the leading edges of his wings > slightly scorched. > BIGGS: Are you all right? > Luke adjusts his controls and breathes a sigh of relief. Flak bursts > outside the cockpit window. > LUKE: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. CROW: *That's* our hero? He flies straight into one of his own fireballs? SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! It's hot! My ice cream is melting! > Walls buckle and cave in. Troops and equipment are blown in all > directions. Stormtroopers stagger out of the rubble. Standing in the > middle of the chaos, a vision of calm and foreboding, is Darth Vader. > One of his Astro-Officers rushes up to him. > ASTRO-OFFICER: We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader. MIKE [as the Officer]: Depending on whether or not this is the Special Edition of the movie. > But they're so small they're evading our turbo-lasers! > VADER: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their > fighters. > Smoke belches from the giant laser guns as they wind up their turbine > generators to create sufficient power. The crew rushes about preparing > for another blast. Even the troopers head gear is not adequate to protect > them from the overwhelming noise of the monstrous weapon. One trooper > bangs his helmet with his hand in an attempt to stop the ringing. CROW: Pete Townshend, no! > Red Leader flies through a heavy hail of flak. > RED LEADER: Luke, let me know when you're going in. > Red Leader's X-wing flies past Luke as he puts his nose down and starts > his attack dive. > LUKE: I'm on my way in now... > RED LEADER: Watch yourself! There's a lot of fire coming from the right > side of that deflection tower. > LUKE: I'm on it. SERVO [as Luke]: Oh boy! Another fireball to fly through! > Luke flings his X-wing into a twisting dive across the horizon and down > onto the dim grey surface. > A shot hurls from Luke's guns. Laserbolts streak toward the onrushing > Death Star surface. Several small radar emplacements erupt in flame. > Laserfire erupts from a protruding tower on the surface. SERVO: Watch out for snakes! > The blurry Death Star surface races past the cockpit window as a big > smile sweeps across Luke's face at the success of his run. Flak thunders > on all sides of him. The thunder and smoke of the big guns reverberate > throughout the massive structure. Many soldiers rush about in the smoke > and chaos, silhouetted by the almost continual flash of explosions. MIKE [singing]: For those about to rock... > Princess Leia, surrounded by her generals and aides, paces nervously > before a lighted computer table. On all sides technicians work in front > of many lighted glass walls. Dodonna watches quietly from one corner. One > of the officers working over a screen speaks into his headset. > CONTROL OFFICER: Squad leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. > Enemy fighters coming your way. > Luke looks around to see if he can spot the approaching Imperial fighters. > LUKE: My scope's negative. I don't see anything. SERVO [as Luke]: Of course, my eyes are closed... > The Death Star's surface sweeps past as Red Leader searches the sky for > the Imperial fighters. Flak pounds at his ship. > RED LEADER: Keep up your visual scanning. With all this jamming, CROW [as Red Leader]: The band is getting really tight! > they'll be on top of you before your scope can pick them up. > Silhouetted against the rim lights of the Death Star horizon, four > ferocious Imperial TIE ships dive on the Rebel fighters. Two of the TIE > fighters peel off and drop out of frame. Pan with the remaining two TIE > ships. > RED LEADER: Biggs! You've picked one up...watch it! > BIGGS: I can't see it! Where is he?! MIKE [as Luke]: So Biggs, is this a good time to tell you one of my stories? See, once upon a time there was this girl, and she had this red hood... > Biggs zooms off the surface and into space, closely followed by an > Imperial TIE fighter. The TIE ship fires several laserbolts at Biggs, but > misses. Biggs see the TIE ship behind him and swings around, trying to > avoid him. > BIGGS: He's on me tight, I can't shake him... I can't shake him. > Biggs, flying at high altitude, peels off and dives toward the Death Star > surface, but he is unable to lose the TIE fighter, who sticks close to > his tail. MIKE [as Luke]: And I think she went to Grandma's house for something. Yeah, and she had, like, a picnic basket, you know? > Luke is flying upside down. He rotates his ship around to normal attitude > as he comes out of his dive. > LUKE: Hang on, Biggs, I'm coming in. > Biggs and the tailing TIE ship dive for the surface, now followed by a > fast-gaining Luke. After Biggs dives out of sight, Luke chases the > Imperial fighter. MIKE [as Luke]: Biggs, are you listening? See, there was a wolf, and he ate the lunch or something. And then he wasn't hungry anymore. The end. What'd ya think? Biggs? > There is a shot from Luke's X-wing of the TIE ship exploding in a mass of > flames. > LUKE: Got him! CROW [as Martin Laurence]: How ya like me NOW? > Darth Vader strides purposefully down a Death Star corridor, flanked by > Imperial stormtroopers. > VADER: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Come with me! > A concerned Princess Leia, Threepio, Dodonna, and other officers of the > Rebellion stand around the huge round readout screen, listening to the > ship-to-ship communication on the room's loudspeaker. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Pull in! Luke...pull in! > WEDGE: (over speaker) Watch your back, Luke! SERVO [as Luke, patiently]: That's physically impossible, Wedge. > WEDGE: Fighter's above you, coming in! > Luke's ship soars away from the Death Star's surface as he spots the > tailing TIE fighter. The TIE pilot takes aim at Luke's X-wing. MIKE [as TIE pilot]: You're not too impressive now, are you, Wing Commander? > The Imperial TIE fighter pilot scores a hit on Luke's ship. Fire breaks > out on the right side of the X-wing. Luke looks out of his cockpit at > the flames on his ship. > LUKE: I'm hit, ALL: Yay! > but not bad. ALL: Boo! > LUKE'S VOICE: Artoo, see what you can do with it. Hang on back there. > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Red six, can you see Red Five? > RED TEN: (over speaker) There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, > where are you? > Luke's ship soars closer to the surface of the Death Star, an Imperial > TIE fighter closing in on him in hot pursuit. > WEDGE: I'm on him, Luke! Hold on! > Wedge dives across the horizon toward Luke and the TIE fighter. MIKE [Reporter voice]: And the X-wing fighter is making a beautiful dive across the surface of the station. The crowd loves it! Easily an 8.5 or better... > Luke reacts frantically. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! Waaaah! > LUKE: Blast it! Wedge where are you? > The fighter pilot watches Wedge's X-wing approach. Another X-wing joins > him, and both unleash a volley of laserfire on the Imperial fighter. The > TIE fighter explodes, filling the screen with white light. > LUKE: Thanks, Wedge. > Leia, Threepio, Dodonna and other Rebel officers are listening to the > Rebel Fighter's radio transmissions over the war room intercom. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Good shooting, Wedge! MIKE: All hail Wedge! > GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) Red Leader... > Gold Leader peels off and starts toward the long trenches at the Death > Star surface pole. [Servo makes the sound of squealing tires.] > GOLD LEADER: This is Gold Leader. We're starting out attack run. > Three Y-wing fighters of the Gold group dive out of the stars toward the > Death Star surface. Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick. > VADER: Stay in attack formation! CROW [James Earl Jones voice]: This... is CNN. > GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) The exhaust port is... MIKE: Exhausted! > marked and locked in! > Gold Leader races down the enormous trench that leads to the exhaust port. > Laserbolts blast toward him in increasing numbers, occasionally exploding > near the ship causing it to bounce about. > GOLD LEADER: Switch power to front deflector screens. SERVO [as Gold Leader]: Turn the doohickey and rotate the thingamabobs. > GOLD FIVE: (over speaker) I'd say about twenty guns. Some on the surface, > some on the towers. > Leia, Threepio, and the technicians view the projected target screen, as > red and blue target lights glow. The red target near the center blinks on > and off. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: (over speaker) The Death Star will be in range in > five minutes. SERVO [as Intercom voice]: Peterson... your table is ready. > Gold Two, a younger pilot about Luke's age, pulls down his targeting eye > viewer and adjusts it. His ship shudders under intense laser barrage. > GOLD TWO: Computer's locked. MIKE: Oh, he must be running Windows. > Gold Five looks behind him. > GOLD FIVE: Stabilize your read deflectors. Watch for enemy fighters. > Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick as the stars zoom by. SERVO [as Cal, from This Island Earth]: All this jerking around has caused a flame-out. > VADER: I'll take them myself! Cover me! > WINGMAN'S VOICE: (over speaker) Yes, sir. > Three TIE fighters zoom across the surface of the Death Star. Vader > lines up Gold Two in his targeting computer. Vader's hands grip the > control stick as he presses the button. SERVO [as Vader]: All those years of playing Zaxxon finally paid off. > As Gold Two's ship explodes, debris is flung out into space. The three > TIE fighters race along in the trench in a tight formation. > GOLD FIVE: Stay on target. > GOLD LEADER: We're too close. MIKE [as Gold Leader]: I think we should see other people. > GOLD FIVE: Stay on target! > GOLD LEADER: Loosen up! CROW: Get funky! > Gold Leader's ship is hit by Vader's laser. Gold Leader explodes in a ball > of flames, throwing debris in all directions. > GOLD FIVE: Gold Five to Red Leader... > GOLD FIVE: (over headset) Lost Tiree, lost Dutch. > RED LEADER: I copy, Gold Five. > GOLD FIVE: They came from behind.... SERVO: And won the game in double overtime! > One of the engines explodes on Gold Five's Y-wing fighter, blazing out of > control. He dives past the horizon toward the Death Star's surface, > passing a TIE fighter during his descent. Gold Five, a veteran of > countless campaigns, spins toward his death. Luke looks nervously about > him at the explosive battle. CROW [Urkel voice]: Did I do that? > Grand Moff Tarkin and a Chief Officer stand in the Death Star's control > room. > OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should > I have your ship standing by? > TARKIN: Evacuate? In out moment of triumph? I think you overestimate > their chances! > Tarkin turns to the computer readout screen. Flames move around the > green disk at the center of the screen, MIKE [pointing]: Aaa! The computer's on fire! > as numbers read across the bottom. > VOICE: (over speaker) Rebel base, three minutes and closing. SERVO: Please make your final selections and move to the front of the base for checkout. > RED LEADER: Red Group, this is Red Leader. > Dodonna moves to the intercom as he fiddles with the computer keys. SERVO [as Dodonna]: Boy, this "Zork" is addictive! > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Rendezvous at mark six point one. > WEDGE: (over speaker) This is Red Two. Flying toward you. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Red Three, standing by. > DODONNA: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your > group out of range for the next run. > RED LEADER'S VOICE: (over headset) Copy, Base One. Luke, take Red Two > and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal...to start your run. > Luke nods his head. CROW: So Red Leader can see Luke nodding over the radio? SERVO: His eye-sight is *really* good. > The X-wing fighters of Luke, Biggs, and Wedge fly in formation high > above the Death Star's surface. MIKE: And coming up next: Wings! > Red Leader looks around to watch for the TIE fighters. He begins to > perspire. SERVO [as Chief Wiggum]: Sweatin' like a pig, here. > RED LEADER: This is it! > Red Leader roams down the trench of the Death Star as lasers streak > across the black heavens. A huge remote-control laser cannon fires at > the approaching Rebel fighters. The Rebel fighters evade the Imperial > laser blasts. Red Ten looks around wildly. MIKE [as Red Ten]: The flying elves are everywhere! > RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now. > From the cockpits of the Rebel pilots, the surface of the Death Star > streaks by, with Imperial laserfire shooting toward them. > RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters! > RED TEN: There's too much interference! > Three X-wing fighters move in formation down the Death Star trench. > RED TEN'S VOICE: Red Five, can you see them from where you are? > Luke looks down at the Death Star surface below. > LUKE: No sign of any... wait! > Red Ten looks up and sees the Imperial fighters. > LUKE: (over headset) Coming in point three five. MIKE: Point three five? So roughly one-third of a TIE-fighter is attacking? SERVO: Yeah. Him and his 2.5 children. > RED TEN: I see them. > Three TIE fighters, Vader flanked by two wingmen, dive in a tight > formation. The sun reflects off their dominate solar fins as they loop > toward the Death Star's surface. Red Leader pulls his targeting device > in front of his eyes and makes several adjustments. SERVO [as Red Leader]: I'll just program the VCR to tape Letterman... > RED LEADER: I'm in range. > Red Leader's X-wing moves up the Death Star trench. > RED LEADER: Target's coming up! > Red Leader looks at his computer target readout screen. CROW [as Red Leader]: What? General Protection Fault in module PLOT.EXE? [Commercial break] -- END PART 7 -- Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 8, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > RED LEADER: Just hold them off for a few seconds. > Vader adjusts his control lever [Servo makes toilet-flushing noises.] > and dives on the X-wing fighters. > VADER: Close up formation. > The three TIE fighters move in formation across the Death Star surface. > Red Leader lines up his target on the targeting device cross hairs. > Vader and his wingmen zoom down the trench. [Crow and Servo make the Mitchell "waka-chika-waka-chika" music.] > Vader rapidly approaches the two X-wings of Red Ten and Red Twelve. > Vader's laser cannon flashes below the view of the front porthole. the > X-wings show in the center of Vader's computer screen. MIKE: Oh, he's playing "Tie Fighter". CROW: Literally! > Red Twelve's X-wing fighter is hit by Vader's laserfire, and it explodes > into flames against the trench. > Red Ten works at his controls furiously, trying to avoid Vader's fighter > behind him. Red Leader is concentrating on his targeting device. > RED LEADER: Almost there! MIKE [Papa Smurf voice]: Not far now... > Vader and his wingmen whip through the trench in pursuit of the Rebel > fighters. Vader cooly pushes the fire button on his control stick. SERVO [as Vader, deadpan]: Bang. > Darth Vader's well-aimed laserfire proves to be unavoidable, and strikes > Red Ten's ship. Red Ten screams in anguish and pain. Red Ten's ship > explodes and bursts into flames. CROW [as The Human Torch]: Flame on! > Grimly, Red Leader takes careful aim and watches his computer targeting > device, which shows the target lined up in the cross hairs, and fires. > RED LEADER: It's away! > An armed Imperial stormtrooper is knocked to the floor from the attack > explosion. Other troopers scurrying about the corridors are knocked > against the wall and lose their balance. Leia and the others stare at the > computer screen. > RED NINE'S VOICE: (over speaker) It's a hit! SERVO: It's number one on the charts! > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Negative. > Red Leader looks back at the receding Death Star. Tiny explosions are > visible in the distance. > RED LEADER: Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface. SERVO [pointedly]: Sound familiar, Mike? MIKE: Huh? > Darth Vader peels off in pursuit as Red Leader's X-wing passes the Death > Star horizon. Vader swings his ship around for the next kill. > LUKE: (over headset) Red Leader, we're right above you. MIKE: Always thinking of you... over. > Turn to point... > Luke tries to spot Red Leader. He looks down at the Death Star surface. > LUKE: ...oh-five; we'll cover for you. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Stay there... I just lost my starboard engine. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Get set to make your attack run. > Vader's gloved hands make contact with the control sticks, and he presses > their firing buttons. CROW: He's controlling his ship with the Nintendo power glove! > Laserbolts are flung from Vader's TIE fighter, connecting with Red > Leader's Rebel X-wing fighter. Red Leader's ship explodes. Luke looks > out the window of his X-wing at the explosion far below. Grand Moff > Tarkin casts a sinister eye at the computer screen. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, one minute and closing. > Dodonna and Princess Leia, with Threepio beside them, listen intently to > the talk between the pilots. The room is grim after Red Leader's death. > Princess Leia nervously paces the room. > LUKE: (over speaker) Biggs, Wedge, let's close it up. We're going in. > We're going in full throttle. > WEDGE: Right with you, boss. > The two X-wings peel off against a background of stars and dive toward > the Death Star. > BIGGS: Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time? [Crow cracks up at this line, but after a look from Mike, he shuts up.] > LUKE: It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. SERVO [bum's voice] Hey mister, can you spare a canyon? > The three X-wings move in, unleashing a barrage of laserfire. Laserbolts > are returned from the Death Star. Luke's lifelong friend struggles with > his controls. > BIGGS: We'll stay back far enough to cover you. CROW [as Biggs]: With ten tons of soil. > Flak and laserbolts flash outside Luke's cockpit window. > WEDGE: (over headset) My scope shows the tower, but I can't see the > exhaust port! Are you sure the computer can hit it? > The Death Star laser cannon slowly rotates as it shoots laserbolts. Luke > looks around for the Imperial TIE fighters. He thinks for a moment and > then moves his targeting device into position. > LUKE: Watch yourself! Increase speed full throttle! [Mike and the Bots make race-car sounds.] > WEDGE: What about the tower? > LUKE: You worry about those fighters! I'll worry about the tower! > Luke's X-wing streaks through the trench, firing lasers. Luke breaks > into a nervous sweat as the laserfire is returned, nicking one of his > wings close to the engine. > LUKE: (to Artoo) Artoo... that stabilizer's broken loose again! See if > you can't lock it down! > Artoo works to repair the damages. Wedge looks up and sees the TIE ships. > Luke's targeting device marks off the distance to the target. Vader and > his wingmen zoom closer. MIKE [waving his hand angrily in the air]: Well, pass if you're gonna! Sheesh! > Vader adjusts his controls and fires laserbolts at two X-wings flying > down the trench. He scores a direct hit on Wedge. Leia and the others > are grouped around the computer board. > WEDGE: (over speaker) I'm hit! I can't stay with you. > LUKE: (over speaker) Get clear, Wedge. You can't do any more good back > there! SERVO [as Luke]: Thanks for playing! Bye! > WEDGE: Sorry! > Wedge pulls his crippled X-wing back away from the battle. Vader watches > the escape but issues a command to his wingmen. > VADER: Let him go! Stay on the leader! > Luke's X-wing speeds down the trench; the three TIE fighters, still in > perfect unbroken formation, trail close behind. CROW: So it's a sci-fi version of "Duel", all of a sudden? > Biggs looks around at the TIE fighters. He is worried. > BIGGS: Hurry, Luke, they're coming in much faster this time. I can't > hold them! > LUKE: Artoo, try and increase the power! SERVO [as Luke]: And change the oil and rotate the tires while you're at it. > Ignoring the bumpy ride, flak, and lasers, a beeping Artoo-Detoo > struggles to increase the power, his dome turning from side to side. > Stealthily, the TIE formation creeps closer. Vader adjusts his control > stick. MIKE [as Vader]: I'll just enter the secret code for unlimited lives... > Biggs looks around at the TIE fighters. Luke looks into his targeting > device. SERVO [as Red Leader]: Luke, honey, put the Viewmaster away. > He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the > computer targeter. > BIGGS: (over headset) Hurry up, Luke! > Vader and his wingmen race through the Death Star trench. Biggs moves in > to cover for Luke, but Vader gains on him. Biggs sees the TIE fighter > aiming at him. Vader squeezes the fire button on his controls. Biggs' > cockpit explodes around him, lighting him in red. MIKE: Biggs enflambe'! SERVO: Ouch! > Biggs' ship bursts into a million flaming bits and scatters across the > surface. Leia and the others stare at the computer board. Luke is > stunned by Biggs' death. His eyes are watering, but his anger is also > growing. CROW [as Luke, crying]: I never got to tell him my story about the three bears... > VADER: I'm on the leader. > THREEPIO: Hang on, Artoo! > Luke concentrates on his targeting device. Three TIE fighters charge > away down the trench toward Luke. Vader's finger's curls around the > control stick. CROW: You know, Vader's having just a little *too* much fun with that control stick. > Luke adjusts the lens of his targeting device as his ship charges down > the trench. He looks into the targeting device, then starts at a voice > he hears. > BEN'S VOICE: Use the Force, Luke. [Mike and the Bots jump in surprise at the voice.] > Luke looks up, then starts to look back into the targeting device. He has > second thoughts. > BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Luke. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Use cruise-control, Luke. > A grim determination sweeps across Luke's face as he closes his eyes. > Inside Vader's cockpit: MIKE [as Ben, Grandpa Simpson voice]: Use the force... oops! Wrong cockpit! > VADER: The Force is strong with this one! > Luke looks to the targeting device, then away as he hears Ben's voice. > BEN'S VOICE: Luke, trust me. SERVO: Famous last words. > Luke's hand reaches for the control panel and presses the button. The > targeting device moves away. Leia and the others stand watching the > projected screen. > BASE VOICE: (over speaker) His computer's off. Luke, you switched off > your computer. What's wrong? > LUKE: (over speaker) Nothing. CROW [as Luke]: I finished downloading the dirty pictures, that's all. > I'm all right. > Luke's ship streaks ever close to the exhaust port. SERVO [Tour Guide voice]: Exhaust port, 10 miles. MIKE [Tour Guide voice]: Last gas till exhaust port! CROW [Tour Guide voice]: Be sure to visit the exhaust port gift shop! > Artoo-Detoo turns his head from side to side, MIKE: Robotic Stevie Wonder! > beeping in anticipation. The three TIE fighters, manned by Vader and his > two wingmen, follow Luke's X-wing down the trench. Vader maneuvers his > controls as he looks at his doomed target. He presses the fire buttons on > his control sticks. Laserfire shoots toward Luke's X-wing fighter. A > large burst of Vader's laserfire engulfs Artoo. The arms go limp on the > smoking little droid as he makes a high- pitched sound. CROW [as R2D2] Aaaa! Flashback! > Smoke billows out around little Artoo and sparks begin to fly. > LUKE: I've lost Artoo! > Artoo's beeping sounds die out. Leia and the others stare intently at > the projected screen, while Threepio watches the Princess. Lights > representing the Death Star and targets glow brightly. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: The Death Star has cleared the planet. The > Death Star has cleared the planet. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, in range. > TARKIN: You may fire when ready. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Commence primary ignition. [Mike and the bots make car sounds.] > An officer reaches up and pushes buttons on the control panel, as green > lighted buttons turn to red. The three TIE fighters zoom down the Death > Star trench in pursuit of Luke, never breaking formation. Luke looks > anxiously at the exhaust port. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Luuuuuuke! You must come with me to the Alderaan system. CROW [as Luke]: Hush, Ben! We've done that already. > Vader adjusts his control sticks, checking his projected targeting screen. > Vader's targeting computer swings around into position. Vader takes > careful aim on Luke's X-wing fighter. > VADER: I have you now. MIKE [as Vader]: Wormie. > He pushes the fire buttons. The three TIE fighters move in on Luke. As > Vader's center fighter unleashes a volley of laserfire, one of the TIE > ships at his side is hit and explodes into flame. The two remaining ships > continue to move in. Luke looks about, wondering whose laserfire > destroyed Vader's wingman. Vader is taken by surprise, and looks out > from his cockpit. > VADER: What? SERVO [as Vader]: The hell? > Vader's wingman searches around him trying to locate the unknown attacker. > HAN: (yelling) Yahoo! > The Millennium Falcon heads right at the two TIE fighters. It's a > collision course. Vader's wingman panics at the sight of the oncoming > pirate starship and veers radically to one side, colliding with Vader's > TIE fighter in the process. Vader's wingman crashes into the side wall of > the trench and explodes. Vader's damaged ship spins out of the trench > with a damaged wing. Vader's ship spins out of control with a bent solar > fin, heading for deep space. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Solar fins are very stylish on space vehicles these days. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: They're all the rage with the kids, aren't they, Ethel? CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh yah. It helps cut back on wind resistance out there in space, dont'cha know. > Vader turns round and round in circles as his ship spins into space. > Solo's ship moves in toward the Death Star trench. Solo, smiling, speaks > to Luke over his headset mike. > HAN: (into mike) You're all clear, kid. > Leia and the others listen to Solo's transmission. > HAN: (over speaker) Now let's blow this thing and go home! > Luke looks up and smiles. He concentrates on the exhaust port, then fires > his laser torpedoes. CROW [child's voice]: Bang! > Luke's torpedoes shoot toward the port and seems to simply disappear into > the surface and not explode. But the shots do find their mark and have > gone into the exhaust port and are heading for the main reactor. Luke > throws his head back in relief. An Imperial soldier runs to the control > panel board and pulls the attack lever as the board behind him lights up. [Servo makes the toilet-flushing noise.] > INTERCOM VOICE: Stand by to fire at Rebel base. > Two X-wings, a Y-wing, and the pirateship race toward Yavin in the > distance. Several Imperial soldiers, flanking a pensive Grand Moff > Tarkin, busily push control levers and buttons. > INTERCOM VOICE: Standing by. > The rumble of a distant explosion begins. The Rebel ships race out of > sight, leaving the moon-like Death Star alone against a blanket of stars. > Several small flashes appear on the surface. The Death Star bursts into a > supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display. SERVO: It blew up! [angry, to Mike]: Good one, Nelson! MIKE: Huh? I didn't have anything to do with it. SERVO: Oh, sorry. It's just that any time something blows up around here, I assume it's your fault. MIKE: Hey! > HAN: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. > Luke is at ease, and his eyes are closed. > BEN'S VOICE: Remember, the Force will be with you...always. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Help, Luke! I don't know how to get out of your head! > The ship rocks back and forth. Vader's ship spins off into space. The > Rebel ships race toward the fourth moon of Yavin. Luke climbs out of his > starship fighter and is cheered by a throng of ground crew and pilots. > Luke climbs down the ladder as they all welcome him with laughter, > cheers, and shouting. Princess Leia rushes toward him. > LEIA: Luke! Luke! Luke! CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Luuuuuuuuke! The Force gives you power over the weak-minded! MIKE [as Luke]: Hush, Ben! > She throws her arms around Luke and hugs him as they dance around in a > circle. Solo runs in toward Luke and they embrace one another, slapping > each other on the back. > HAN: (laughing) Hey! Hey! SERVO [singing]: What can I do... > LUKE: (laughing) I knew you'd come back! I just knew it! > HAN: Well, I wasn't gonna let you get all the credit and take all the > reward. > Luke and Han look at one another, as Solo playfully shoves at Luke's face. CROW [as Han]: Does this bug you? > Leia moves in between them. > LEIA: (laughing) Hey, I knew there was more to you than money. > Luke looks toward the ship. > LUKE: Oh, no! > The fried little Artoo-Detoo is lifted off the back of the fighter and > carried off under the worried eyes of Threepio. > THREEPIO: Oh, my! Artoo! Can you hear me? Say something! (to mechanic) You > can repair him, can't you? > TECHNICIAN: We'll get to work on him right away. MIKE [as C3PO]: Install a Sound Blaster while you're in there. > THREEPIO: You must repair him! Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will > help, I'll gladly donate them. > LUKE: He'll be all right. > Interior of the Rebel Throne Room. Luke, Han, and Chewbacca enter the > huge ruins of the main temple. Hundreds of troops are lined up in neat > rows. Banners are flying and at the far end stands a vision in white, the > beautiful young Senator Leia. Luke and the others solemnly march up the > long aisle and kneel before Senator Leia. SERVO [as they're walking]: Dont'cha hate it when people watch you walk across a room? CROW [as Luke]: See? We're walking. Impressive, huh? MIKE [as Han]: Stop looking at us! CROW [as Luke]: I -- I can't take it anymore! [weeps] > From one side of the temple marches a shined-up and fully repaired Artoo- > Detoo. He waddles up to the group [Crow makes "quacking" sounds.] > and stands next to an equally pristine Threepio. Chewbacca is confused. > Dodonna and several other dignitaries sit on the left of the Princess > Leia. Leia is dressed in a long white dress and is staggeringly beautiful. [Mike and the Bots make tiger growls and the Curly "whoo whoo whoo" sound.] > She rises and places a gold medallion around Han's neck. CROW [announcer voice]: And the winner of this year's "pompous ass" award... > He winks at her. She then repeats the ceremony with Luke, who is moved by > the event. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all bow before > them. MIKE [as Han]: Worship us! > Chewbacca growls and Artoo beeps with happiness. > FADE OUT SERVO: Aaaa! Mike! I'm blind! I'm blind! MIKE: Hang in there, buddy. You're okay. [Mike and the Bots dance in their seats to the cool end-credits music.] > Written and Directed by > GEORGE LUCAS SERVO: From the man who brought you Howard the Duck, the Manos of duck films. > Produced by > GARY KURTZ > STARRING > MARK HAMILL HARRISON FORD CARRIE FISHER PETER CUSHING and ALEC GUINNESS CROW: Wormie, Pompous, Helpless, Meanie and Senile! > with > ANTHONY DANIELS, KENNY BAKER, PETER MAYHEW, DAVID PROWSE, JACK PURVIS, > EDDIE BYRNE > Production Designer > JOHN BARRY MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, johnbarrys are so good in the summer time, sprinkled in with the ice cream. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Oh, that's the truth, dont'cha know it! CROW: Mmmmm! > Director of Photography > GILBERT TAYLOR, B.S.C. > Music by > JOHN WILLIAMS > Performed by The London Symphony Orchestra; Original Music Copyright 1977 > by Fox Fanfare Music, Inc. > Special Photographic Effects Supervisor > JOHN DYKSTRA > Special Production and Mechanical Effects Supervisor > JOHN STEARS > Film Editiors > PAUL HIRSCH, MARCIA LUCAS, RICHARD CHEW > Production Supervisor > ROBERT WATTS SERVO: Watts this? A film superbly supervised by professional producer... [Mike nudges Servo and he shuts up.] > Production Illustration > RALPH McQUARRIE > Costume Designer > JOHN MOLLO > Art Directors > NORMAN REYNOLDS, LESLIE DILLEY CROW [Mrs. Bates voice]: Norman? Have you been out directing art again? MIKE [Norman Bates voice]: Yes, mother. > Make up Supervisor > STUART FREEBORN > Production Sound Mixer > DEREK BALL > Casting > IRENE LAMB, SERVO [singing]: Irene had a little lamb... > DIANE CRITTENDEN, VIC RAMOS > Supervising Sound Editor > SAM SHAW > Special Dialogue and Sound Effects > BEN BURTT > Sound Editors > ROBERT R. RUTLEDGE, GORDON DAVIDSON, GENE CORSO CROW: So these are the people who tape the sound of whales in a blender? > Supervising Music Editor > KENNETH WANNBERG > Rerecording Mixers > DON MacDOUGALL, BOB MINKLER, RAY WEST, ROBERT LITT, MIKE MINKLER, LESTER > FRESHOLTZ, RICHARD PORTMAN > Dolby Sound Consultant > STEPHEN KATZ SERVO: Dr. Katz! CROW: Medicine woman! > Orchestrations > HERBERT W. SPENCER > Music Scoring Mixer > ERIC TOMLINSON > Assistant Film Editors > TODD BOEKELHEIDE, JAY MIRACLE, > COLIN KITCHENS, BONNIE KOEHLER > Camera Operators > RONNIE TAYLOR, GEOFF GLOVER > Set Decorator > ROGER CHRISTIAN MIKE: The irony is, he's a satanist. > Production Manager > BRUCE SHARMAN SERVO: Don't squeeze the production manager! > Assistant Directors > TONY WAYE, GERRY GAVIGAN, TERRY MADDEN Location Manager > ARNOLD ROSS > Assistant to Producer > BUNNY ALSUP > Assistant to Director > LUCY AUTREY WILSON > Production Assistant > PAT CARR, MIKI HERMAN > Gaffer > RON TABERA > Property Master > FRANK BRUTON > Wardrobe Supervisor > RON BECK SERVO: He's a loser, baby. > Stunt Coordinator > PETER DIAMOND > Continuity > ANN SKINNER MIKE: I hate to admit this, but I have a strong urge to strangle Ann Skinner. > Titles > DAN PERRI > Second Unit Photography > CARROLL BALLARD, RICK CLEMENTE, > ROBERT DALVA, TAK FUIJIMOTO > Second Unit Art Direction > LEON ERICKSON, AL LOCATELLI > Second Unit Production Managers > DAVID LESTER, PETER HERALD, PEPI LENZI SERVO [as Pepe la Pew]: Ah bon, ze second unit needs mah attention... > Second Unit Make-up > RICK BAKER, DOUGLAS BESWICK > Assistant Sound Editors > ROXANNE JONES, CROW [as Sting]: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHX-anne... > KAREN SHARP > Production Controller > BRIAN GIBBS > Location Auditor > RALPH M. LEO > Assistant Auditors > STEVE CULLIP, PENNY McCARTHY, KIM FALKINBURG > Advertising/Publicity Supervisor > CHARLES LIPPINCOTT MIKE: Well, Charles did *his* job, didn't he? > Unit Publicist > BRIAN DOYLE > Still Photographer > JOHN JAY > MINIATURE AND OPTICAL EFFECTS UNIT > First Camerman > RICHARD EDLUND > Second Camerman > DENNIS MUREN > Assistant Camermen > DOUGLAS SMITH, KENNETH RALSTON, DAVID ROBMAN Second Unit Photography > BRUCE LOGAN > Composite Optical Photography > ROBERT BLALACK (PRAXIS) CROW: Didn't Praxis explode in Star Trek VI? MIKE: Yep. This must pre-date that. > Optical Photography Coordinator > PAUL ROTH > Optical Printer Operators > DAVID BERRY, DAVID McCUE, RICHARD PECORELLA, ELDON RICKMAN, JAMES VAN > TREES, JR. > Optical Camera Assistants > CALEB ASCHKYNAZO, JOHN C. MOULDS, > BRUCE NICHOLSON, > GARY SMITH, BERT TERRERI, > DONNA TRACEY, JIM WELLS, VICKY WITT > Production Supervisor > GEORGE E. MATHER SERVO: And George Mather as the Beaver. > Matte Artist > P. S. ELLENSHAW > Planet and Satellite Artist > RALF McQUARRIE > Effects Illustration and Design > JOSEPH JOHNSTON > Additional Spacecraft Design > COLIN CANTWELL > Chief Model Maker > GRANT McCUNE > Model Builders > DAVID BEASLEY, JON ERLAND, LORNE PETERSON, STEVE GAWLEY, MIKE [pointing]: Hey, check out Steve! CROW [Gomer Pyle voice]: Well, gawwwwwwwwww-ley! > PAUL HUSTON, DAVID JONES SERVO: So *that's* what he did after the Monkees broke up. > Animation and Rotoscope Design > ADAM BECKETT > Animators > MICHAEL ROSS, PETER KURAN, JONATHAN SEAY, CHRIS CASADY, LYN GERRY, DIANA > WILSON > Stop Motion Animation > JON BERG, PHIL TIPPET > Miniature Explosions > JOE VISKOCIL, GREG AUER > Computer Animation and Graphics Displays > DAN O'BANNON, LARRY CUBA, JOHN WALSH, SERVO: John Walsh worked on this movie? CROW [as John Walsh]: Welcome to Sci-Fi's Most Wanted! > JAY TEITZELL, IMAGE WEST > Film Control Coordinator > MARY M. LIND > Film Librarians > CINDY ISMAN, CONNIE McCRUM, PAMELA MALOUF > Electronic Designs > ALVAH J. MILLER > Special Components > JAMES SHOURT > Assistants, > MASAAKI NORIHORO, ELEANOR PORTER MIKE [singing]: Eleanor Porter, picks up the rice in a church... > Camera and Mechanical Design > DON TRUMBULL, RICHARD ALEXANDER, > WILLIAM SHOURT > Special Mechanical Equipment > JERRY GREENWOOD, DOUGLAS BARNETT, STUART ZIFF, DAVID SCOTT > Production Managers > BOB SHEPHERD, CROW [biblical]: Bob is my shepherd, I shall not want... > LON TINNEY > Production Staff > PATRICIA ROSE DUIGNAN, MARK KLINE, > RHONDA PECK, RON NATHAN > Assistant Editor (Opticals) > BRUCE MICHAEL GREEN > Additional Optical Effects > VAN DER VEER PHOTO EFFECTS, > RAY MERCER & COMPANY, > MODERN FILM EFFECTS, > MASTER FILM EFFECTS > DE PATIE-FRELENG ENTERPRISES, INC. > PANAVISION TECHNICOLOR Prints by DELUXE Making Films Sound Better, DOLBY > SYSTEM Noise Reduction -- High Fidelity SERVO [in a muffled, barely-understandable voice]: Dolby, making films sound better! > CAST MIKE: Oh, these clowns again. > Luke Skywalker MARK HAMILL Han Solo HARRISON FORD Princess Leia Organa > CARRIE FISHER Grand Moff Tarkin PETER CUSHING Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi ALEC > GUINNESS See-Threepio (C-3PO) ANTHONY DANIELS Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) KENNY > BAKER Chewbacca PETER MAYHEW Lord Darth Vader DAVID PROWSE Uncle Owen PHIL > BROWN Aunt Beru SHELAGH FRASER Chief Jawa JACK PERVIS General Dodonna ALEX > McCRINDLE General Willard EDDIE BYRNE Red Leader DREWE HEMLEY Red Two > (Wedge) DENNIS LAWSON Red Three (Biggs) GARRICK HAGON Red Four (John "D") > JACK KLAFF Red Six (Porkins) WILLIAM HOOTKINS Gold Leader ANGUS McINNIS > Gold Two JEREMY SINDEN Gold Five GRAHAM ASHLEY General Taggi DON HENDERSON > General Motti RICHARD LE PARMENTIER Commander One LESLIE SCHOFIELD > > Photographed in Tunisia SERVO: A suburb of Detroit. > Tikal National Park, Guatemala > Death Valley National Monument, CROW [Ronald Reagan voice]: Welcome to Death Valley National Monument. > California and at EMI Elstree Studios, Borehamwood, England Music Recorded > at Anvil Recording Studios, Denham, England Post Production Completed at > American Zoetrope, San Francisco, California Rerecording at Samuel Goldwyn > Studios, Los Angeles, California The producers wish to thank the government > of Tunisia, the Institute of Anthropology and History of Guatemala, and the > National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior, for their > cooperation. Copyright 1977 by Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation A > LUCASFILM LTD. PRODUCTION SERVO [climbing into Mike's lap]: Batteries not included. Warrenty void if seal is broken. > Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other > applicable laws and any unauthorized duplication, distribution, or > exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution > as well as civil liability. MIKE [reporter voice, as he's leaving the theater]: The surgeon general has determined that Mark Hamill's acting is hazardous to your health. Please quit today. Mike and the Bots leave the theater. Doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* INT: SATELLITLE OF LOVE. SERVO: You know, I hate to admit it but this really wasn't a bad movie. CROW: I agree, Servo. Even though it had the incredibly annoying Luke Skywalker... SERVO: And the incredibly pompous Han Solo... CROW: Or the hopelessly incompetent Princess Leia... SERVO: Or the unbelievably senile Obi-Wan Kenobi... CROW: Or the oh-so-very-British C3PO... SERVO: But other than that, it was great! CROW: Yeah! MIKE: Oh come on, guys. Each and every one of those characters is known and loved by millions of people around the world. SERVO [disgusted]: So's Pauly Shore, Mike. Mike opens his mouth to respond, but can't think of a snappy come back, so he shuts it again. CROW: Still, you have to wonder what happened to Obi-Wan after Vader killed him with the lightsaber. How did he just vanish like that? SERVO: And why did he leave his robe behind? Does that mean he's naked in the afterlife? Mike is about to respond, but suddenly lights everywhere begin to flash. MIKE: Hey, someone's calling on the Hexfield! Mike and the Bots turn to the viewscreen, which opens up. Standing there is Obi-Wan Kenobi, looking just as he did in the film. CROW: Hey, it's Ben Kenobi! MIKE: Wow, Ben Kenobi! What an honor! So tell us, what happened when Vader swung his lightsaber at you and you disappeared? BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I fell through the floor. The stupid set designer forgot to hammer in some of the nails. My robe got caught and I fell out of it, landing naked on a pile of garden tools. MIKE [synpathetically]: Ouch! BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Yeah, I didn't like it much either, but Lucas kept the take. SERVO: But you're okay now, right? BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Servo]: Oh sure. Say, you're pretty smart for a gumball machine, aren't you? Most of them don't talk. 'Course in my day, it weren't so unusual as it is now... CROW: Ha ha! He thinks you're a freak, Servo. SERVO: Shut up, Crow! BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Crow]: Oh! And a talking waffle iron, too! CROW: Hey! Servo laughs at Crow. BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Mike]: You've got all kinds of nice toys, little boy. Can I come over and play, too? MIKE [nervous]: Ummm... I don't think so, Mr. Kenobi. Thanks! Mike hits the button and the Hexfield begins to close. BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Wait! I want a drink of water and a sponge bath! The hexfield closes. SERVO: Sheesh, what a looney. No wonder Lucas killed him off so early in the trilogy. CROW: Exactly. That guy is suffering from occasional delusions of sanity. SERVO: I still think it was caused by working with Mark Hamill. MIKE [to Cambot]: So whaddya think, sirs? INT: DEEP 13. Frank stands alone in the lab. He wears the "Force in the Box" helmet and holds the microphone. FRANK: Hey, not bad. Not bad at all. He looks around for Dr. Forrester. Dr. F is nowhere to be seen, so Frank leans close to the camera and whispers. FRANK: Now, this is the part of the show where I usually push the button to end the experiment, but I wanna try this helmet out once more. He steps back, puts on the helmet, and raises the mike to his lips. FRANK [into mike]: Dr. Forrester! You don't need to see my identification! I'm not the droid you're looking for. I can go about my business. Move along. Dr. F appears from stage left and stands behind Frank. Frank does not see him. FRANK: [into mike]: The "Force in the Box" gives me control over the weak-minded! I will find it a powerful ally. The "Force in the Box" will be with me! Always! Dr. F rips the helmet off Frank's head and hurls it to the ground. We don't see it, but we hear the sound of shattering glass. FRANK [alarmed]: Uh oh. I feel a great disturbance in the "Force in the Box"... Dr. F gives Frank a "You are going to die very slowly and painfully" look. FRANK: Umm... maybe I should, er... push the button? Dr. F says nothing, but nods slowly. Frank gives the camera a timid look, then presses the button. Click. [End credits.] STINGER CLIP: > BIGGS: "Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?" This MiSTing written 1997-8 by Joe Barlow.