---------------------------------------------------------- PRESIDENT CLINTON'S SECOND APOLOGY TO THE NATION ---------------------------------------------------------- Dutifully MiSTed by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ---------------------------------------------------------- [Season 9 Theme Song and Credits] [Twaaaaannnnnnggggggg....] [Door sequence: *, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [The bridge is all decorated for Christmas. Strands of blinking lights and tinsel are hung up everywhere. There's a lit-up Santa Claus and a small artificial tree on the console. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are behind the console, each wearing a Santa hat.] MIKE: Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love's Annual Christmas Special. We thought we'd start out this year with a heartwarming medley of Christmas favorites. In order to save time and make room for more commercials, we've decided that we'll just sing four Christmas songs at once. That way, you'll get all the songs in one fourth of the time! Okay, guys, get ready. Uno, dos, one, two, tres, cuatro... [They each start singing separate songs. The result is a cacophonous noise more likely to cause headaches than rouse Yuletide cheer.] MIKE: TOM: CROW: GYPSY: Silent night What child is this So... Bye bye Jingle bells Holy night Who laid to rest Miss American Pie Jingle bells All is calm On Mary's lap Drove my Chevy Jingle all All is bright Is sle-e-ping? To the levy The way [Mike makes a chopping motion with his arm to stop the singing.] MIKE: Okay, that's enough. I think the audience's hearts are sufficiently warmed by now. Uh, Crow, did I hear you singing "American Pie" just then? CROW: Sorry, Mike, I kinda blanked on Christmas music and just sang the first song that came to mind. [Commercial sign blinks.] MIKE: And that song was "American Pie," huh? Truly disturbing. [to Cambot] We'll be right back. [COMMERCIAL BREAK] [SATELLITE OF LOVE] [Mike and the 'bots have been joined by a rather nondescript-looking, middle-aged man.] TOM: Welcome back to the Satellite of Love's 15th Annual Holiday Hullabaloo. This is the part of the show where we'd like to bring on a huge guest star. Unfortunately, Jim Nabors, Barbara Eden, Paul Williams, and the Muppets were all booked, so all we could get was Ralph Duffy, cousin of TV star Patrick Duffy. Say hello to everyone, Ralph. RALPH: Uh, hello. GYPSY: Hey, Ralph, are you in showbiz like your famous cousin, international star Patrick Duffy? RALPH: No, actually. I'm a claims adjuster. CROW: Fascinating. Do you have any special talents? RALPH: Nope. TOM: So what, exactly, do you bring to our Holiday Hullabaloo? RALPH: Well, my wife made a plate of Rice Krispie squares. [Ralph holds up a plate of the rice squares. The 'bots are noticeably excited, giddy even.] ALL: Yay!!!! GYPSY: Oh boy! Nothing says Christmas like Rice Krispie squares! CROW: Me first! Me first! I'm hypoglycemic! I need marshmallows to survive! [The Mads light blinks.] MIKE: Calm down, guys. Goldilocks and the Two Bores are calling. [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL] [Pearl and her two sidekicks are gathered in front of the camera. Bobo has antlers tied to his head -- a la the Grinch's dog, Max.] PEARL: Seasons greetings, Misfit Toys! So, you have Rice Krispie squares, eh? We'll just see about that. Brain Guy, do the honors. OBSERVER: Oh, if I must, I must. [Brain Guy does the doodly-doodly-doo thing.] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [The plate disappears from Ralph's hands.] ALL: Huh?!? [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL] [The plate magically reappears in Pearl's hands. She picks up a square and takes a bite.] PEARL: [chewing] Mmmmm! Delicious! Compared to me, the Grinch was a rank amateur. But I'm not QUITE through dampening your Christmas spirit, Nelson. Your experiment today is a truly embarrassing e-mail spamburger called "Nutritional Supplement For Optimal Reproductive Health and Vitality." Consider it the lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. BOBO: [reaching for the plate] Lawgiver, can I have a Rice Krispie square, too? [She slaps his hand. He whimpers.] PEARL: I thought you'd know better than that, Bobo. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] TOM: Where's the ghost of Jacob Marley when you need him, huh? CROW: Heck, even the ghost of Bob Marley would do! [Lights blink; siren goes off; general chaos reigns.] MIKE: Ahhhh!!!! We got Spam Sign! [Door sequence: Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER] [Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.] CROW: Y'know, I'm starting to get the feeling that Pearl doesn't quite have the whole "Christmas spirit" thing down yet. TOM: Whatever gave you that idea? > > Subject: Nutritional Supplement for Optimal Reproductive Health and > Vitality MIKE: We call it "beer" for short. > Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 19:02:34 +0600 > From: CROW: And to think... "apex" means "high point." Depressing, really. > To: $user@concentric.net > TOM: Hey, who you callin' a "user," pal? > > Now, YOU can benefit from the latest science in nutritional > supplementation for optimal male reproductive health combined with > the wisdom of the ancients and their traditional tonics! MIKE: But instead of doing that, please buy the worthless sugar pills WE'RE selling. > > All New! CROW: Well, except for the "ancient" part. > All Natural! Non-Prescription! NO Doctor's Visit! TOM: No salesman will visit you... unless you want them to. > > Improves the sex drive and performance. MIKE: ...But only if you're aroused by wasting money. > A comprehensive formulation > created to support normal hormonal (testosterone) production, CROW: What kind of support, specifically? Are we talking financial support? Emotional support? > improve > blood flow, improve energy levels, maintain urinary system health, > and provide nutritional support for the prostrate. TOM: So it only works if you're lying face down on the ground? > > "The Natural Miracle" that is changing lives today! MIKE: Of course, we didn't say changing lives for the *better*, mind you. > A natural treatment for "Compromised Sexual Function"! CROW: [British accent] Or in laymen's terms, "The Limp Noodle." [Suddenly, the screen goes blank. An off-screen announcer is heard.] ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this Spam to bring you another phony apology from President William Jefferson Clinton. [Mike and the 'bots sigh.] MIKE: And speaking of compromised sexual functions... CROW: Sheesh. He's doing ANOTHER one of these? TOM: "Apology 2: This Time, It's Desperate." > > As anyone close to me knows, MIKE: [as Clinton] I don't bathe frequently. > for months I have > been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to > the American people, CROW: [as Clinton] Specifically, the attractive young women. > to acknowledge my own > wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the > work of the presidency. TOM: [as Clinton] But between the lying and the infidelity, I never got around to it. > > Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the > law, and the Constitution. MIKE [as Clinton] I'd do it myself, but I kinda bluffed my way through law school. > Nothing I can say now can > add to that. CROW: Except perhaps, "Eat my shorts, Henry Hyde." > What I want the American people to > know, TOM: [as Clinton] Is that my wife will be out of town next weekend. > what I want the Congress to know is that I am > profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words > and deeds. MIKE: [as Clinton] And certain fluids I will refrain from mentioning at this time. > I never should have misled the country, > the Congress, my friends or my family. Quite simply, > I gave into my shame. CROW: How can you give into something you don't have? > > I have been condemned by my accusers with harsh > words. TOM: Words like "doodyhead" and "poindexter." > And while it's hard to hear yourself called > deceitful and manipulative, MIKE: [as Clinton] It's also strangely arousing. > I remember Ben > Franklin's admonition that our critics are our friends, > for they do show us our faults. CROW: By that logic, our mother-in-laws are our friends. > > Mere words cannot fully express the profound > remorse I feel for what our country is going through, TOM: [as Clinton] So the rest of my apology will be an interpretive dance. > and for what members of both parties in Congress > are now forced to deal with. > MIKE: Hey, *we* have to deal with it now, too. You should apologize to us! > These past months have been a tortuous process of > coming to terms with what I did. CROW: ...Last Summer... With Jennifer Love Hewitt. TOM: Oooh. Sounds like fun. > I understand that > accountability demands consequences, and I'm > prepared to accept them. MIKE: [as Clinton] I also understand that adultery demands that you find a woman who can keep her danged mouth shut. > Painful though the > condemnation of the Congress would be, CROW: [as Clinton] It's nothing compared to what a good dominatrix can do with a cat-o'-nine-tails. > it would > pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I > have caused my family. There is no greater agony. TOM: Although getting it caught in your zipper is a close second. > > Like anyone who honestly faces the shame of > wrongful conduct, I would give anything to go back > and undo what I did. MIKE: [as Clinton] Did I say "undo what I did?" I meant to say "redo what I did... repeatedly... with baby oil." TOM: The only thing he's good at undoing is... oh, it's too easy. > But one of the painful truths I > have to live with is the reality that that is simply not > possible. CROW: [as Clinton] Dang that stupid space-time continuum! > An old and dear friend of mine recently sent > me the wisdom of a poet, who wrote, TOM: "Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid my dime and only..." > "The moving > finger writes, and having writ moves on. MIKE: The perfect metaphor for Clinton's relationships with women. > Nor all your > piety, nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line. CROW: [as Clinton] And I didn't have much piety or wit to start with! > Nor all your tears wash out a word of it." > TOM: Nor all your detergent remove it from your trousers. > So nothing -- not piety, nor tears, nor wit, nor > torment -- MIKE: Will keep these couriers from their appointed rounds. > can alter what I have done. I must make > my peace with that. CROW: [as Clinton] I've made my heart-shaped waterbed, now I shall lie in it. > I must also be at peace with the > fact that the public consequences of my actions are in > the hands of the American people and their > representatives in the Congress. TOM: And after that, it's pretty much up to a vengeful and short- tempered God. > Should they > determine that my errors of word and deed require > their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept that. MIKE: And should the President be unable to fulfill his duties, Al Gore will become Miss America. > > Meanwhile, CROW: In an abandoned warehouse just outside Gotham City... > I will continue to do all I can to reclaim > the trust of the American people and to serve them > well. TOM: [as Clinton] I will do *whatever* and *whomever* it takes! > We must all return to the work, the vital work, > of strengthening our nation for the new century. MIKE: We need to get back to making bad TV shows and building cars that wear out quickly. > Our > country has wonderful opportunities and daunting > challenges ahead. CROW: In other words, "So many sororities, so little time." > I intend to seize those [All three cough loudly at this point and mutter things under their breath.] > opportunities and meet those challenges with all the > energy and ability, and strength God has given me. TOM: So with no strength at all, then. > > That is simply all I can do -- the work of the > American people. MIKE: You're doing our work for us now? Great. I've got some light housework that needs doing. > > Thank you very much. > CROW: Uh, thanks, I guess... but I didn't really *do* anything. [The screen goes blank.] TOM: Phew! What a workout! I don't think I could stand any more insincerity. My system craves integrity right now! [We hear the offscreen announcer again.] ANNOUNCER: We now return you to your regularly scheduled Spam. ALL: D'oh! > > Some say it is a natural Viagra substitute... MIKE: Some call it the space cowboy. CROW: Some call it the nutritional supplement of love. > Only $1.50 per dose! NO side effects! TOM: Other than the festering boils, I mean! > For Men of all ages! MIKE: Every man from six to sixty can use it! > > You owe it to yourself to check this out today! CROW: And beyond that, you owe it to AMERICA! > MEN-you won't be disappointed with this product... TOM: It's just as crappy as you think it is! > it REALLY WORKS! > WOMEN-buy some of this for your man today! MIKE: That'll make him feel confident in his masculinity! > > Developed by a well-known National Company CROW: A company so well-known that we can't mention it by name. > > To receive more info on The Natural Miracle, TOM: Consult your local priest or rabbi. > just send an email to href="mailto:cset2@apexmail.com?Subject=SENDNATURALMIRACLEINFO"> > CLICKHERE MIKE: Send an e-mail to "impotent@limpnoodle.com." > Type "send natural miracle info" in the message > section. CROW: Of course, if you'd like to include your measurements, that's entirely up to you. > ************************************************************** TOM: Say, nice asterisks! Are they real? > This message is intended to reach a large audience, MIKE: That's why it was cowritten by Danielle Steele and John Grisham. > however, > if you wish to be removed from this promotion or any future mailings > from us, CROW: Forget it. You're on our mailing list for perpetuity. > just send an email to href="mailto:cashgrants@digital.intersponse.com?Subject=REMOVE"> > CLICKHERE TOM: Don't do it! It's a trap! > Type "Remove Natural Miracle Promo" in the > message section. MIKE: That won't accomplish anything, per se. It's more of a typing test. [Mike and the 'bots get up to leave.] CROW: So which one of those had more of a ring of truth... the Spam message or the President's apology? TOM: C'mon, Crow, that's a silly question. CROW: You're right. Of course it's the Spam. [Door sequence: *, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Ralph Duffy is still behind the console and is waiting for Mike and the 'bots as they arrive.] TOM: [to Ralph] You're still here?!? RALPH: Well, yes. There's the small matter of my appearance fee. You said if I... TOM: Hold that thought, Ralph. Uh, Mike, would you press that green button behind the console for me, please? MIKE: [reaching for the button] Oh, sure, Tom. I'd be happy to... [Suddenly, Ralph falls through a trap door and disappears. We hear him yelling.] RALPH: Agggggghhhhh!!!!! [Mike and Crow are a little stunned.] TOM: I guess that takes care of that, huh? MIKE: I guess it does. Say, where did he...? TOM: You don't want to know, Mike. [The Mads sign flashes.] MIKE: Allrightythen. I think I'll check in with Mrs. Forrester and try to forget any of this ever happened. TOM: Good idea. [CASTLE FORRESTER - GREAT HALL] [Pearl has collapsed in an easy chair. She looks nauseous.] PEARL: Ohhhhhh... I shouldn't have eaten that entire plate of Rice Krispie squares in one sitting. But it was the only way to keep Bobo and Brainpan from getting any, y'know? Anyhow, I saw what you did to President Clinton's apology speech, and let me tell you, I was not pleased. William Jefferson Clinton is the hunkiest President this country ever had, and I will NOT have you badmouthing him. Once I become the undisputed ruler of the world -- and believe me, that day WILL come -- I'll make Bill my chief-cousel-slash-towelboy. Then, he won't have to worry about that mean ol' Judiciary Committee. Of course, I'll have to keep him on a short leash -- LITERALLY. I wonder if they make a leash for men. [thinking] Say, that's not a bad idea! HEY, BRAIN GUY, GET IN HERE! I THINK I'VE GOT A MILLION DOLLAR IDEA! [We hear a cash register "ch-ching" sound as Pearl rubs her hands together and smiles wickedly.] [ROLL CLOSING CREDITS AND THEME SONG] Based on a series created by JOEL HODGSON Written and directed by JOE BLEVINS Joe's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Episode Guide ----------------------------------------------- [001] Boycott This Blasphemous Movie [002] Sweet Valley High: Oracle On-Air [003] Revenge of the Old Queen [004] Three Usenet Posts About "Titanic" [005] Orgy of the Dead [006] IMDb Entry for Rick Sloane [007] Ray Wolfe's Online Guide to ERASERHEAD [008] I Was a Teenage King Kong [009] President Clinton's Apology to the Nation [010] A Shameless Clip Show [011] Sensual Dreams (w/ www.brideofchucky.com) [012] President Clinton's Second Apology to the Nation ----------------------------------------------------------- D I S C L A I M E R ----------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations are the property and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. Copyright (c) 1998 by Joe Blevins > Like anyone who honestly faces the shame of > wrongful conduct, I would give anything to go back > and undo what I did. Produced through the divine benevolence of the Sci-Fi Channel