From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 1/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142335@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256835002 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 1/6 =============================== When Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}", two dozen novice and experienced MiSTers asked to be part of the Maquis MiSTing team. The eager following generated by his stories is a tribute to Stephen's persistence, his good-natured responses to criticism, and the unique interpretation of reality presented in his oeuvre. In view of such demand, and in a moment of insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all aspirants on the dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen individuals actually answered that call. The technical and editorial problems posed by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally overcome. This is that MiSTing. Edited by: Loren Haarsma. Contributing writers: Mighty Jack, David Conner, Psykopath, The Thad Man, Matthew Miller, Stan Foster, Mark Rowan, Merritt Stone, Bill Livingston, Joseph Nebus, Hakan Svensson, Ty Cage Warren, Rick MacKinnon, and Andrija Popovic. (The riff designations are grouped significantly, but not exactly, according to who submitted them.) ============================= Imagine, if you will, a movie theater at a science fiction convention. A group of fans eagerly await the next showing of a cult classic --- a movie which achieved just that right combination of goodness and badness to become an object of devotion. They will shout at the screen, they will lampoon the characters, and they will celebrate together the delight they take in schlock scifi theater. Now ... imagine this: [MST3K Season 7 theme song] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are in their usual places. Mike is wearing a brown jumpsuit with a Starfleet emblem. Tom has pointed Vulcan ears taped to the sides of his bubble. We join an argument already in progress.] TOM: ...No No No No NO! CROW: YES! TOM: NO! CROW: YES! MIKE: Tom, I'll prove it. Gypsy, have you seen "The Ultra-Mega Non- Canonical Fan-Compiled Pathetic Nit Pickers' Technical Guide to Star Trek" CD-ROM? I couldn't find it anywhere. GYPSY: Sure, Mike. We put it in Storage Locker 3 last night with all the other junk, remember? MIKE: Oh yeah. Thanks, Gypsy. [Mike, Tom and Crow move stage left. Their conversation fades as they walk off camera.] MIKE: You see, Tom, the important technical specification for starship shields is megawatts *per square meter*, because that takes into account.... [Gypsy is alone at the desk. She glances at Cambot, then turns back towards stage left.] GYPSY: Guys? Where are you going? The Mads are gonna call soon. Guys? [While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a black jumpsuit and wearing an earring), Crow (wearing a fake goatee), and Tom (wearing a black beret) come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.] MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen...? GYPSY: [startled] Huh?! [spins around to face them] How did you...? [looks back towards stage left] But I just saw you go over.... [spins to face them again] Huh?! MIKE: [in a pseudo-pretentious accent] Gypsy, dear, I seem to have misplaced all of our back issues of "Modern Art Monthly." Do you, perchance, know where they might be? GYPSY: Umm ... sure, Mike. When we cleaned out our rooms last night, we put all the extra junk in Storage Locker 3. *Remember*? MIKE: Oh, but of course. Ciao! [Mike, Tom and Crow wander stage left. Their conversation fades as they walk off camera.] TOM: [with a similar accent] You see, Michael, the Post-Neo-Cubical- Meridian-Obfuscian style is all about the artist's intrinsic superiority over the public, implicitly justifying condescending, self-righteous attitudes and the occasional production of technically simplistic, incomprehensible works while living off government grants. CROW: [similar accent] Yes, yes, that's all well and good, but it's soooooo derivative of the Pre-Counter-Duadic-Chromo-Polemicist school.... [Gypsy is again alone at the desk.] GYPSY: [calling to stage left] Hey, wait! Guys? You'd better get back here fast! [While Gypsy is looking stage left, Mike (in a blue jumpsuit), Crow and Tom come on camera behind Gypsy, from stage right.] MIKE: Heeeeey, bright eye! GYPSY: [startled] AUGH!! [spins around to face them] CROW: You're looking mighty ... *slinky* there, Gypsy.... [Tom and Crow snicker.] GYPSY: How did you...? [looks back stage left] But I just *saw* you go.... [spins around to face them again] HOW DID YOU DO THAT?! TOM: Oh, she's asking how we Do That Thang We Do.... [Tom and Crow snicker some more.] MIKE: Have you seen Crow's copy of the Complete Double-Entendres List? GYPSY: Don't you REMEMBER? We put all that junk in STORAGE LOCKER THREE last night!!! MIKE: Oh sure. [Mike, Tom, and Crow head off stage left. Mike pats Gypsy on her backside.] Keep that light burning for me, baby. [More snickering from Tom and Crow as they leave. Gypsy is once again alone.] GYPSY: [yelling after them] WAIT! Come back! The Mads are gonna call ANY MINUTE NOW! MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds. [Mike (in a red jumpsuit and wearing a coach's whistle), Crow (in a miniature sweat suit) and Tom (with a sweat band around his bubble) come jogging on camera from stage right. Gypsy is still looking towards stage left.] [Mike blows his whistle.] GYPSY: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [spins around to face them] MIKE: All right, guys, let's rest a minute. TOM: There's nothing like brisk round of calisthenics in the morning to make a bot feel good all over. GYPSY: How ... how ... [turns towards stage left] how... [turns back to face them] HOW?!?! MIKE: Calm down, Gypsy. We just stopped to ask if you know where to find my old running shoes. GYPSY: [shaking and stuttering] S-st-storage l-locker th-thr-three? MIKE: OK, thanks. Let's go, guys. Hup --- hup --- hup --- hup! [Mike, Crow and Tom go jogging off camera stage left. Gypsy stares at them as they leave.] MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... [Mike (in a green jumpsuit), Tom and Crow come on camera from stage right.] MIKE: Gypsy, have you seen all my other jumpsuits? I can't find them anywhere. [Gypsy spins around to face them.] GYPSY: Oooooooohhh. [Gypsy faints dead away.] CROW: Nice one, Mike. MIKE: Hey, what did I do? MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. [Mike taps commercial light.] MIKE: What? What did I do...? [Cut to commercials.] [Return from commercials. Mike (in green jumpsuit), Tom, Crow and Gypsy are in their usual places. Gypsy stands woozily. She has a large ice bag on her head, and Mike is fanning her with a towel.] [In the background, behind Mike and the bots, we see several duplicates of Tom and Crow. They are variously standing around, walking on and off camera, etc. There are even one or two duplicates of Mike on camera from time to time (all in different-colored jumpsuits), but they always have their backs turned to the camera.] MIKE: [notices Cambot] Hi there. Things are even weirder than usual today on the Satellite of Love. I expect the Mads will explain soon.... They always do. In the meantime, I'm Mike Nelson, unwilling astronaut and film critic, and these are my friends Tom Servo... TOM: Hello. MIKE: Crow T. Robot... CROW: Greetings, Earthlings. MIKE: And Gypsy. GYPSY: [still woozy] Ohhhhh. MIKE: And as for the *rest* of these.... [Mike nods towards the duplicates behind him.] TOM: I'm as narcissistic as the next fellow, but I've got to tell you that there's something deeply disturbing about seeing so many copies of myself around here. CROW: Yeah, what's the deal, Mike? Have you been hanging out with Scotsmen and doing unnatural things with sheep lately? MIKE: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [Mads light starts flashing.] MIKE: Oh, Angus and Dolly are calling. [Mike taps the Mads light.] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hello Nelson, fembots. [Dr. Forrester pauses and squints into the monitor.] You *are* the real Nelson, aren't you? [SOL] MIKE: As far as I know. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Good. Because our next experiment is a little thing I call ... WORLD DOMINATION. All mad scientists dream about replacing world leaders with robot replicants. But how many of them have the chutzpah to actually try it? [SOL] CROW: Lots, judging by the movies we've seen. [Deep 13] Dr. F: True, true, but they all failed. And do you know *why* they all failed? [SOL] TOM: They let nosy reporters and government agents sneak around their secret bases unchaperoned? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Wrong! They failed because they didn't test their creations properly --- a mistake I *won't* be making. I'm putting my replicants through the ultimate torture test. [SOL] MIKE, CROW & TOM: [together] You mean...? [Deep 13] Dr. F: YES! I'm going to make them read an entire Ratliff fanfic --- specifically, "Premier Maquis." [SOL] CROW: Mike, I know they're just soulless automaton pawns in a plot to enslave the world, but that's *too cruel*! MIKE: Shush, Crow. This is serious. [Deep 13] Dr. F: I wouldn't expect your pedestrian minds to understand, but personality matrix construction is very delicate and unpredictable. You've probably already noticed personality differences amongst them, hmmm? [SOL] MIKE: Now that you mention it. GYPSY: Ooohhhh. CROW: I hate to ask, but does this mean *we* have to go back into the theater and read that ... that THING again? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Much as it pains me to say this ... NO. It was hard enough getting each set of replicants to ignore the other sets. I need to measure their responses to prolonged Ratliff exposure, compare them to your responses, and I don't want you in there corrupting my data. [SOL] [Mike has a noose strung up near the desk. Crow and Tom are each holding one terminal of a car battery.] ALL: WHEW! [Deep 13] Dr. F: You've got until the end of the fanfic to relax, Nelson. Because when it's all over and the victorious replicants return to Deep 13, they'll have the information I need to take over the world. Now send in the clones! [Dr. F stabs the button.] [SOL] [Lights, buzzers, etc.] MIKE, CROW & TOM: They've got fanfic sign!!! [Replicants head for the theater. The real Mike, Crow and Tom dive out of the way as Cambot heads for the theater doors.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [Fifteen replicants each of Mike, Tom, and Crow cram into the small theater. Of course, we can only see their silhouettes. (Fun and games with Shadowrama{tm}!) They somehow all manage to find a seat.] >> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org! Tom09: Ah, good old Sonny Tufts College. Mike08: Mitre: For Starfleet's PREMIER soccer gear! >> agate!newsgate.duke.edu! Mike09: [singing] Duke, Duke, Duke, E-D-U-U-U.... >> solaris.cc.vt.edu! >> newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr!arclight.uoregon.edu! >> usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net! Crow09: Yeah, gotta keep yer NNTP servers at a pretty constant 40 PSI, there. >> www.nntp.primenet.com! Mike15: I think the exclamation points are a bit excessive. It's just a transfer route. Tom15: Yes! But isn't it exciting! >> nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net! >> hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail Tom02: Not-for-reading either. Mike15: Not-for-mail, not for human consumption. Tom15: Warning! Ratliff fanfics can cause severe brain damage. Crow13: Great! This one's so bad, the news servers played a virtual game of Hot Potato. >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) Crow08: Gaaah! Sorry, reflex action. Tom09: And the crowd goes wild. All09: [dully] Yay. Tom15: [singing] Dead man walkin'... Mike13: You know, it's possible that Ratliff is actually a *good* writer who posts bad fanfics just to see what kind of a reaction he can get. Crow13: You should be shot for even *imagining* that. >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Tom13: Soon to be renamed "alt.startrek.badly.in.need.of.a.life." Crow15: [as Alec Guiness] You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. >> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1 All13: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Mike08: Premier Mercury Marquis? Tom08: Premier Marquess of Queensbury? Crow08: "Get the Marqui title up on the marquee." >> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT >> Organization: Radford University Tom13: Whose English Department apologizes most profusely for this article. >> Lines: 125 Mike13: That's not so bad. Crow13: Did you forget the "part 1" above? Mike13: Ulp! >> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu Tom13: runet: Ratliff Unleashes New Enterprise Twaddle. >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] Mike13: This Is Nuts! Crow13: Terrorizing Individual Newsgroups! Tom13: Twits Ingenious? Never! Crow09: "PLO"? So Stephen is actually Yassir Arafat? Mike09: It would explain a lot. >> >> >> Star Trek >> Deep Space Nine Crow15: Deep Hurting Nine is more like it. >> The Marrissa Stories Tom15: Dear gods, he's got them titled now! Crow08: He wasn't content with ruining The Next Generation. Now he's gonna tear up Deep Space Nine. Tom08: Not to be redundant, but this is going to hurt. Mike08: A lot. Tom13: What's with these authors that sequel things to death? Sheesh, this is worse than the Xanth series. Crow13: This is Ratliff you're talking about. It's worse than the Gor series. >> >> Premier Marqui Mike13: By Faberge Crow15: He lost the S. Mike15: I think he's lost more than just a few letters. Tom01: He spelled the title wrong. Mike01: TOM! Tom01: It wasn't a spelling flame, it was a poor research riff. Mike01: Okay, just don't let it happen again. >> by Stephen Ratliff All01: We're going to die! >> >> This Story is a work of Tom11: A twisted mind. >> fiction. Crow01: \ Crow14: - Like, duh. Crow09: / Crow13: This AUTHOR is a work of fiction. Tom09: Believe me, this is a valid disclaimer. Crow09: Oh, that's convincing coming from a bot who still wears his C-3PO mask when he watches "Return of the Jedi." Tom09: Shut up, you! >> Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of Mike11: Uniquely determined primes. >> the author's Tom13: Delusional mind. >> imagination Tom12: Or the author's dementia. Crow15: The author has an imagination? >> or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental Tom11: Thank God. Crow02: And resemblance to actual common sense or plot is entirely coincidental. Mike03: Names have been changed to protect the grammatically confused. Mike09: So all you lawyers for Erika Flores, this means "foo on you." Crow13: And you have our sincerest condolences if "resemblance to a Ratliff fanfic" happens to you or someone you love.... Mike15: [whiny voice] No, I did not base Ensign Voluptua on you, Mom.... Tom15: Let's not go there, Mike. >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. Crow09: [as ViaCom] And DON'T you forget it, you little lowlife fan-worms! Tom09: Who'da thought ViaCom would be the Disney of the 90's? Tom15: [as ViaCom] The cash cow is ours! All ours! They'll buy anything with "Star Trek" stamped on it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. Crow15: And he can keep it. Mike08: And he can keep it. Tom05: We can't believe he's claiming credit for it. Mike11: Remember, Stephen Ratliff is copyrighted. Creating a clone of him is punishable under international copyright law. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) Crow11: Since this is a Marrissa story, shouldn't that be "Strawberry Finn"? Tom15: [as Mark Twain] Give me back my notice, you young whip. It was not presented to you, much less with courtesy.... Crow03: Oh, so we're big hoity-toity authors on par with Twain, now, are we? Tom03: Don't encourage him. Crow01: Well, we know Ratliff payed attention in American Lit. Crow12: Well, *he's* using stuff without permission all over the place. Mike12: Ah, Crow, we really shouldn't talk. Tom13: Oh, great, how he's ruining Mark Twain for *generations* to come. Mike13: Maybe he's been watching that episode where they go back in time and meet Mark Twain in San Francisco.... Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaaan-boy! >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be Tom11: Searching fruitlessly. >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; Mike13: Persons who make fun of it will get ramchips. Bots13: Mo-ti-VA-tion! >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Tom12: Well, no danger of any of those. Mike02: At least he's owning up to it now. Tom01: That is scary on so many levels. Tom07: Talk about rule by an intellectual elite! Mike14: I think we're all pretty safe up here. Crow13: Right! Come over here, Ratliff. Ma, go get mah gun. Mike13: I don't think he meant that literally. Mike15: Oh, don't worry. We won't be looking for a motive... Tom15: Or a moral... Crow15: Or any kind of plot. I mean, this *is* Ratliff fanfic. Tom03: Persons attempting to find originality in it will be forced to coexist with Tickle Me Elmo factory rejects. Mike11: Persons attempting to enjoy it will be committed to a mental health institution. Tom08: Persons attempting to stop Mark Twain from spinning in his grave will be arrested. Mike09: Persons attempting to riff it will get a load of cash, be sent back to Earth, and given long sensual foot massages by Tea Leoni. Crow09: Yeah, right, Mike. Mike09: Hey, it could happen! >> >> >> This story is dedicated to: Tom09: The inventor of Steve's spell-checker, Mr. Etaoin Shrdlu. Tom13: All those helpless electrons that were forced to become this awful fanfic. >> >> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.; Crow05: Who won't be speaking to me after this gets out. Mike11: Any relation to Lena? Tom11: Wishful thinking will get you nowhere. >> and >> the Principles Crow04: And Practices... Tom09: And Discourses... >> and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary, Crow07: It's not school he hates, it's the principle of the thing. Tom13: That's "Princi*PAL*s"! The Principal is your *PAL*; that's how you remember. Mike13: Tom, ease up on the spelling flames. >> Hidden Valley Junior High, Mike12: Makers of fine salad dressings. Mike04: Isn't that where Annette Funicello went? Mike05: Too bad Ratliff didn't stay hidden in the valley. Crow09: Hey, Stephen went to school to learn how to make Ranch dressing. Mike09: I hear Buttermilk 201 is really intense. >> and Cave Spring High School, Mike11: Who thogt me every thing i now about wirting. Crow03: Who are even now preparing bribes so they won't get mentioned again. >> especially ... >> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley Crow15: He'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. >> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley Tom15: Currently wanted for questioning regarding two other Star Trek fanfics.... Mike01: How many guys named David are there? >> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High >> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary. Crow08: None of whom can ever show their faces in public now for being associated with this story. Tom09: Also, Bitsy, Cookie, and Muffy --- kisskiss, sweetumses! Tom07: At least he didn't thank his English teacher. Mike03: Oh, so he *can* spell "principal" right after all? Tom14: Pick one spelling and stick with it, Stephen! Tom13: PAL!! PAL!! Mike13: [warningly] Tom.... Tom13: But, look, he spelled it right three times in a row and then spelled it wrong again! How could anybody *do* that? Mike13: Easy, pal. Tell yourself, "It's only a fanfic." Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic ... it's only a fanfic.... Tom01: Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about this one.... Mike01: Aw, how bad could it be? We've made it through ten whole Ratliff fanfics. He can't get any worse, can he? Tom01: I dunno, Mike, but I'm picking up some really bad vibrations here. Mike15: How many schools did Ratliff go to, anyway? Tom15: Not enough. Not enough by a long shot. >> >> >> Special Thanks to: Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic.... >> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading Tom03: ... at least half of this story. Mike10: 80-proof reading, in this case. Tom02: That he missed the full stop right there is very ominous. Tom12: Wouldn't it be ironic if he misspelled his name? Tom07: I have a feeling that should be "Eugene." Tom11: Shouldn't that be "Eugene"? Mike03: How much you wanna bet his name is really "Eugene?" Mike04: Isn't he the guy who hosts "The Western Tradition?" Crow04: Too obscure. No one watches PBS these days. Mike08: Well.... Let's see how THIS guy holds up. Mike09: Woiwod? Tom09: Bwing out the pwisonew cawwed Bwian! All05: PROOFREADING!?!?!?! Mike05: Dear Lord, the rapture is at hand! Tom05: Quick, get Crow out of the house before God comes. Crow05: Hey! Mike06: Yes, by popular demand, and at no extra charge, a proofreader has been added to Ratliff's crack writing staff. Tom06: Unfortunately, from what we've seen so far, Eugen proofreads about as well as Ratliff writes. Crow15: [as Eugen] He spelled "the" wrong *again*?! Mike15: [as nurse] Calm down, Mister Woiwod, your thorazine will be ready in a moment. Tom13: It's only a fanfic.... [starts giggling] It's only a fanfic.... >> >> Acknowledgments >> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by >> Thomas Jefferson. Crow08: ... who is *also* spinning in his grave. All13: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! [Tom01 shrieks, and his head explodes.] Crow01: Yikes! Servo was right! I don't think he's ever blown up before the story even started. Mike06: Yes, trust Ratliff to rip off nothing but the best. Tom07: First Twain, then Jefferson. Who's next, Raymond Chandler? Crow03: His spell checker isn't on the fritz anymore, so instead he's ripping off dead white guys right and left? Tom03: I *told* you not to encourage him!!! Crow12: So, the last three lines of this story will be Ratliff's own work? Mike11: [as Ratliff] The original sucked because there wasn't any action, so I added these neat starships and stuff. >> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little >> brother, Phillip. Crow11: Ah! So that's why the new consoles are made from Lego blocks. >> Don't tell him I told you. Crow01: ...or he'll beat me up. Tom11: The less Phillip knows of his brother's stories, the better. Mike14: [as Stephen] Since he can't read, he'll never know unless someone tells him.... Tom12: HEY! Phillip! Crow07: Hey, Phillip? Phil, honey? Crow15: Yo! Phillip! Guess what your brother told us, Trekkie? Hahaha. Tom03: [little-boy voice] It's no fair! Stephen gets to post to alt.startrek.creative and I don't!!! Tom09: Ma! Steve's using my starship designs in his stories again. Make him stop!! >> >> >> Prologue Mike07: Call me Ishmael.... Tom11: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Tom10: Shipments of anti-logue are being sent as we speak. Crow12: Is that anything like the Captainslogue? Tom13: Sort of like a Captain's log, except done by professionals. >> >> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one >> People to All10: Party down! >> dissolve the Political Bonds Crow11: Ooooh.... Mike11: Cut that out! Crow07: Bonds. Political Bon-- Mike07: Stop that. Too obvious. >> that have connected them with Crow08: Bad fan fiction. Crow10: The Garden State Parkway. >> another and to assume among the stars, the separate and equal status Mike13: Hey! Separate but equal is inherently UN-equal. Tom07: Hey, Plessy! Fergusson wants to talk to ya! >> which the Laws of Tom06: ... Jim Crow. Crow06: Huh? >> Nature and the Universe Tom11: This is Star Trek. Laws of nature only apply when it makes a neat plot point. Tom14: Huh. Never would've pegged Ratliff as a PC redactionist. Tom09: The universe, as opposed to nature. Mike09: I think he tried to make it ecumenical. Tom09: "I want to appeal to all religious persuasions, so let's remove any reference to God." Somehow, that utterly fails to impress me. >> entitle them, Crow10: It's these pesky entitlements that are ruining the whole country. >> a respect for >> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy Crow01: ... except when we don't like those opinions.... Mike10: What if the Galaxy just wants them to shut up and go home? >> demands that they should >> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties. Mike10: Okay, like, they keep drinking milk right from the carton. Tom11: And the winner of the run-on sentence award is.... Tom07: Let's see him diagram THAT sentence. Crow07: Are you kidding? Even proofread, the grammar's bad here. Mike15: [phone dials] Hello, Jefferson estate? Yes, I've got a nice little tip for you about a copyright infringement.... Tom15: I get to call Paramount! >> We hold these truths ... Mike03: Dramatic... Shatner-like... pause. Crow03: How... appropriate... for a Star... Trek story. Mike04: Whoa! What happened to the "self-evident" part? Crow04: Ratliff is getting fickle in his old age. Mike09: The ellipsis is the text file equivalent of humming because you forgot the words. Tom06: [singing] We know this much is truth.... >> all people are created equal Crow13: Ohhhh! Somebody forgot a big chunk of the Declaration of Independence. Tom13: Guess who didn't pay attention to his "Schoolhouse Rock." >> and are >> provided with certain unalienable rights. Mike11: Unless they're aliens, of course. Mike09: Which is kinda ironic, considering all the aliens in "Star Trek." Crow09: ...All with the same prosthetic foreheads. Tom09: And a rock to wind a string around. Crow15: HEY! He lifted out my favorite part. Mike15: It's a dark day when Stephen Ratliff sees fit to edit Thomas Jefferson. >> Among these are Life, >> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Mike07: Oh, and a Good Llama. Tom12: And the right to write bad fanfics. >> To secure these rights, Tom08: Requires us to quit reading this fanfic. Good night, everybody! >> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from Mike01: The tobbaco lobby. Tom11: Donations from the tobacco lobby. >> the consent of >> the governed, Mike06: ...or the fear of the government's soldiers, imprisonment, torture.... Crow09: What about the unanimous consent of the governed? Tom09: You realize, L. Neil, that only a handful of people out there will actually get that reference. Crow09: Yeah, and we're all gonna form a Gallatinist parliament, you got a problem with that, Baron von Richthofen? >> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive >> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and >> replace it with Mike09: A new mid-season sitcom, starring Bobcat Goldthwait. >> another. Crow12: Even more destructive government! >> That new government laying it's Mike11: [as Michael Palin] It's... Tom08: Oooo! Ooo! Can I grammarflame him? Mike08: Easy, Tom. He's probably just getting warmed up. >> foundation on >> such principles Crow09: Or principals. Tom09: Hidden Valley Junior High faculty leads anti-government rebellion. Film at 11. >> and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve >> their Safety and Happiness. Mike12: Until election time. Tom11: That is, the safety and happiness of the government. Screw the plebes. Tom07: Hey, we need a verb here. Crow13: Isn't this the part that Jefferson ripped off from Thomas Paine? Mike13: Shhhh! School kids aren't allowed to know that until they go to college. Crow13: Oh. Sorry. Tom14: "Safety and Happiness." That's a good name for a COUNTER-counter-cultural rock band. >> Prudence Mike04: [as Lennon, singing] "... won't you come out to play?" >> dictates that governments long established should not >> be changes Tom07: [as Snagglepuss] Or changed, even. Tom03: Ahem. Shouldn't that be *"changed"*? Mike03: No, that's the way the Declaration originally was. Bots03: Really??! Mike03: No, not really, I just wanted you to be quiet about the grammar for once. >> for light and passing causes. Crow09: Which explains the downfall of "New Coke." Mike10: But they have to be rotated every 3,000 miles anyway. >> However, when a long train Mike09: That would be blues legend and noted revolutionary Jojo "Long Train" Clements. All08: A Sooooooooul Train! >> of >> abuses and usurpations towards an end, Tom10: Namely, destabilizing the "Must-See TV" lineup. >> showing a design to reduce them Crow08: To a story that reads like rubbish. >> to absolute oppression, Mike04: ...it might get you a guest spot on Montel! >> it is their Right, it is their Duty, to >> overthrow that government and provide Crow05: Booze for all. Tom05: This message brought to you by the Booze Council, which reminds you that violently overthrowing the government goes better with booze. >> new guides for their future >> security. Tom04: [as announcer] In the future, security won't have to wear red shirts. Tom11: You know, I never quite thought that I'd be riffing on the Declaration of Independence. Mike11: Ratliff takes you the strangest places. >> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it >> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government. Tom09: [British] Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Crow10: From now on the entire government will be Dave Barry. I want to be Commissioner of Pop-Tarts. >> The >> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a >> repeated disregard for Mike01: The Prime Directive! Crow01: Logic! Tom05: Science! Mike05: Physics! Crow05: The intelligence of its viewers! Mike10: History! Tom10: Culture! Crow10: Continuity! Mike10: Common sense! >> these Colonies. Mike12: [as Starfleet] Colonies? What colonies? I don't see any colonies around here? >> As evidence of this, let these >> facts be set before the Galaxy ... Mike10: In a tasteful display, mind you. Mike13: Just the facts, ma'am. Crow15: Does this mean he's admitting the Federation is a bunch of imperialists? Mike15: Nah. He's parroting. Tom15: Polly want fair taxation. >> >> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help. Mike01: Starfleet been dissing me and th' gang. Crow12: [falsetto] Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope! Mike02: To be fair, their representatives spent most of the time hitting on the Vulcan ambassador.... Tom04: We also ordered a carton of apostrophes. What terrible service! Tom13: [as Maquis] We keep calling their technical support line, and they always transfer us to the sales department. Crow03: [as Federation] Hey, we sent down twenty technicians in red shirts. You saying they weren't any help? Tom07: [as Maquis] Help! Mike07: [as Federation] No, I can't hear you! [Sticks fingers in ears and hums loudly.] >> They have given us up to another government with out our >> consent. Mike10: Oh quit complaining. It's just Canada! Tom12 : But you just said you *wanted* another government. Mike13: Aw, come on. "Slave for a Day" isn't about repression. It's about charity. Mike11: "With out"? Ratliff can't even cut and paste text properly. >> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can >> purchase Mike10: ...to stuff that looks like Star Trek people designed it. Tom03: Ah yes, the famous Boston Tea, Earl Grey, Hot Party. Crow15: What do you mean I'm not allowed to buy a "Babylon 5" shirt? Mike15: [man-in-black voice] Why buy that when these "Voyager" shirts are so lovely? Isn't Janeway cute? Tom11: We can't even buy periods! Crow13: No more Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs? That's the last straw! Crow07: They have given us the mother of all wedgies. Mike08: They have shut down our unofficial Web sites. Tom08: They have shown reruns in midseason. Crow08: They have kept us from tearing up this fanfic. Mike04: Unfortunately, they have not restricted the "bads" we can write. >> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors >> terrorize us. Tom09: Led by that infamous Cardassian, Gul Pancho Villa. Tom02: [as Maquis] They have forced us to terrorize the bandits and their cruel neighbors.... Mike13: [as Flanders] Howdelee doodelee, neighbor. How about a Parcheesi tournament? Tom13: Wow. That *is* cruel. Crow14: Yup. Ratliff really PC'd up the ol' Declaration. >> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves. Crow06: Damn that Brady Bill! Mike07: Well, okay, it was just a five day waiting period, but sometimes you just gotta fight an oppressive Federation RIGHT THEN! Mike04: I can just see a poster of Ratliff with the caption: "I'm the NRA." Mike02: Haven't these people heard of the Ferengi? Mike03: [matronly] Now, children, don't play with those phasers in the house. Mike13: I'm sorry, you *can't* have a thermonuclear bomb for "duck hunting" without a permit. Mike15: The planet killer's just for hunting and home defense. Really! >> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend >> themselves. Crow04: Yet mysteriously, those who defended themselves from a seated position remain unscathed. Mike12: It's no fun to hunt the ones who just lay there. Tom13: "She says the jungle ... it just came alive and took him!" Mike02: [as John Cleese] This demonstrates the value of not being seen. >> They have hunted down those among us who supported the >> aforementioned people. Mike03: They have hunted down the soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to save the soldiers who went in to.... Mike09: They have hunted down those among us who supported those among us who supported the other people who we mentioned just afore. Mike13: Duck season! Crow13: Rabbit season! Mike13: Duck season! Crow13: Rabbit season! Mike13: Rabbit season! Crow13: Duck season! >> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds >> occurring here in the zone. Tom10: Told you Disney would screw up ABCNews. Crow13: [as Federation] We sent you Geraldo. What more do you want? Crow03: You mean they didn't hunt down the press? What a shocker! Mike05: The Neutral Zone. Tom05: The End Zone. Crow05: The Twilight Zone. Mike11: [as Rod Serling] Beyond this door lies a dimension of plot holes. A place where the most implausible events become reality. You have now entered ... The Ratliff Zone. Tom11: [Hums the Torgo theme.] >> They have in acted Mike01: And over acted. Crow01: And inbred. Tom03: Shouldn't "in acted" be "enacted"? Crow03: No, inaction is what this here fanfic is all about. Mike04: Ah, Berkeley --- home of the famous Student Act-Ins. >> a treaty without our consent taking away our >> lands and giving them over to our enemies. Mike13: [British accent] Darling, it's the book-of-the-month club. They say we've won the M-4 motorway. Tom10: They have enforced rules about plagiarism. Mike08: They have left the toilet seat up for the last time. >> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received >> none, only repeated acts of the above. Mike12: Lather, rinse, abuse, repeat. >> A Government which acts as such >> is unfit to rule a free people. Tom12: That's why they had to enslave you! Tom13: However, they are fit to rule a military-industrial complex. Tom11: Wait a minute. Is Ratliff trying to make us feel compassion for the antagonists? Crow11: Well, he's already made us hate Marrissa. >> Nor have we been wanting in attentions Crow14: [falsetto] Hey, big fella! Mike04: The above sentence demonstrates one of the most alarming facts about our founding fathers. Tom04: What, that they had slaves? Crow04: ... Flew kites in the rain, risking electrocution? Mike04: No --- that you can sing almost anything they said to the refrain of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." >> to our Federation >> Counterparts. Tom07: [falsetto] Honey, you never pay attention to me anymore. >> We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have >> reminded them of Crow10: The Principle of Random capitaliZation. >> the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement >> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties >> of common Relation. Tom07: Ah, the old boy network. Mike10: Family reunions are awkward enough without dragging politics into it, though. Crow04: We have maintained their archaic Custom of capitalizing Nouns in the middle of Sentences without due Cause; and in Usurpation of modern Usage. Tom10: Who'd have known the future would write in archaic styles? >> They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice Mike11: Played by Janet Jackson. >> and >> Reason. Tom08: Well, they *are* Viacom. Crow07: I can't hear you! La-la-la-la! >> We must, therefore bow before the Necessity, and announce our >> Separation Mike06: With a no-fault divorce to follow. >> to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace. Tom11: The reverse *would* be rather strange. Mike08: Brothers in Arms. Crow08: Babes in Toyland. Tom08: Strangers in Paradise. Crow06: ... and Nodding Acquaintances in Cold-War Tension. Mike13: Tomorrow, on Jenny Jones: Enemies in War, Friends in Peace, and the Women who Love Them. >> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the >> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress, Tom13: And Major Mistake. Crow08: And in General Disorder. >> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe, Crow02: I was wondering when Marrissa would make an appearance. Crow13: Oliver Wendell Holmes? Tom13: Lance Ito? Mike13: Judge Dredd. Bots13: OhHHHHHhhh. Crow09: [as Rainman] Yeah. Wapner's on at four. Definitely. Mike09: Remember, friends, if you have a dispute with a foreign galactic empire, don't take the law into your own hands. Take them to court! >> do, in >> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies, Tom09: Also Dave and Ernie, too. Tom03: Winding up for a big finish, aren't they? >> solemnly >> declare, that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free >> and Independent State; Crow10: Specifically, Delaware. Well, the name's available.... >> that they are absolved from all Allegiance from >> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection >> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be >> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have >> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish >> Trade, and to do all the other things which Independent States do. Mike11: You know ... things. Tom10: Like have Official State Dinosaurs and export prisoners to Texas and stuff. Mike13: If every Independent State jumped off a cliff, would you? Mike08: [as Maquis] So eat our dust! Tom08: [as Maquis] Yeah! No more Mr. Nice Colonies! Mike03: Hey, look! A period at the end of that sentence! Crow03: This is history, Mike, it doesn't *have* to be written well. >> And >> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the >> protection of the Supreme Power, Crow09: Gene Roddenberry? >> we mutually pledge each other our >> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor. Crow07: Oh, and a monthly alimony check. Mike12: And our Credit Card Numbers. Tom09: Well, you gotta give Ratliff credit. If you're gonna crib, you might as well crib from the best. Tom15: Apparently this isn't the draft of the Declaration with the words "Nanny-nanny boo-boo" in it.... Crow13: Meanwhile, Thomas Jefferson is doing laps in his grave and cursing Stephen Ratliff's ancestry. Mike13: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT information is ENCOURAGED. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. Tom13: If he's in college, why was he thanking people in his high school and *elementary* school?? Mike13: Remember ... "It's only a fanfic." Tom13: [quietly] It's only a fanfic.... It's only a fanfic.... >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ Mike08: Now, *that's* just scary. >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "That one looks like a dragon." - stoned comment of Cmdr. Spock, ST:TOS Crow13: Stephen Ratliff recognizes sarcasm. Film at 11. Mike09: I thought they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. Crow09: I hope not, 'cause I've got two tickets to paradise. Tom09: Actually, if you look real close, you can see paradise by the dashboard light.... Crow01: It's over? Yes! And to think, barring the spelling and grammar, this one wasn't all that badly written! [Crow01 gets up to leave.] Mike01: [Leans close to Crow01 and whispers loudly] Uh, Crow.... Remember, this is just the prologue. It hasn't even started yet. Crow01: *What*?! *NOOOO*!!!! [Crow01's head explodes, and the proximity causes Mike01's head to explode! Bits of springs and wires now stick out of the heads of Tom01, Crow01, and Mike01, and they remain unmoving.] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) Mike08: You know, I understand the gag reflex much better now. >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui Mike09: [as narrator] Your guide through this storyline. Tom09: Also known as, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here." Tom08: Sooo, it's "Maqui" now? By the end of the story, it's gonna be "Margarine" or something. Crow08: Better check the warranty on the proofreader, Stephen. >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 31 >> Message-ID: <5152uq$n...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> Title: Premier Maqui Mike15: With no "S" at the end like before. We must be very clear on that. >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) Mike08: Huh. Doesn't look any more promising when you repeat it. Tom08: Or any less frightening. >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions Mike08: Stargazer? But.... Crow08: Don't go there, Nelson. Crow09: Have you tried the Stargazer Fruit Chews? They're really pretty good. Tom15: [singing] We'll keep hope alive with our StarGazers. >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks Tom13: Countdown to disaster! Tom12: Is that the sequel to "9 1/2 Weeks"? >> TV-Guide-like blub: Tom08: Oh, so the story's drowning already. Mike08: Well, that'll happen. Tom02: "Blub"? As in crying? Crow02: Why not? We cry when we read this. >> The Marqui declare Independence Mike06: Uh oh. Do you think Ratliff's been getting ideas from "Independence Day"? Crow06: If this fanfic has Randy Quaid in it, I am *leaving*! >> and try to steal some starships. Mike08: The readers declare frustration and try to steal some shuteye. Mike09: Naturally, "Hi-jinx ensues." Tom09: I thought it was "Hilarity abounds." Crow09: No, no, no, it's "Zaniness erupts." >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them Crow13: Using plot holes big enough to drive a semi through. Crow07: So, there's a lot of trying in this, huh? Crow08: And fail! Pleasepleaseplease.... Crow12: She's unable to, so she just kills them all. Mike02: Now there goes any hope for suspense. Crow02: There was never any hope for suspense. Crow15: And now, Ratliff summarizes great works of literature: Mike15: [as Ratliff] Moby Dick, by Herman Melville: Some guy who's ticked at a whale. Tom15: [as Ratliff] Hamlet, by William Shakespere: A guy's sad about stuff and everyone dies in the end. >> >> Forward: Tom04: Backward! Crow04: I buried Paul! >> This is the 11th Marrissa Story. Mike08: [as Billy Crystal] And thank you for bringing up such a painful subject.... >> Boy have I been arround a lot. Crow08: I don't think that's anybody's business but yours. Mike08: Crow, I'm proud of you. Crow08: Even *I* didn't want to try any other angle with that one. All04: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around.... All14: [singing] Round, round, get around --- I get around.... Crow09: Yeah, so has influenza. >> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years. All02: \ All08: - [pause] Naaaaah, too easy. All14: / Tom13: [ghostly voice] Doooon't yoooou believe it! Mike12: He'd almost *have* to. Tom15: Getting worse could signal the heat-death of the universe.... >> In any case, I'd like to >> know how I'm doing. Crow13: No, Stephen, you don't. You really don't. Mike15: Who wants to tell him? Bots15: Me! OOoh! Me! Tom02: [as Ed Koch] How'm I doing? How'm I doing? How'm I doing? Mike04: Glad you asked, Stephen. Several of your progress reports can be found here: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/ >> Please tell me what you liked, Tom08: Well, that won't take long. >> disliked, or just hated. Tom13: Liked --- the fact that it ended. Disliked --- the fact that it started. Hated --- EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!! >> I can >> take what ever you throw at me. Crow09: Rotten eggs? Mike09: Check. Tom09: Beakers of Nitro? Mike09: Check. Crow09: Llama Scat? Mike09: Check. Tom09: Hospital Food? Mike09: Oh, now, let's not be cruel, Servo. >> You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. Mike04: He misspelled his own name again. It's RatLIFF. Tom15: Rec.arts.tv.mating.marmoset? Crow09: Runny, Awful, Tiny Mushy Mangoes? Mike09: Red Army Tanks, Minus Men? Tom09: Ratliff's Animosity Towards My Mission? Crow09: Shouldn't that be "Twoards"? All13: All hail ratmm! Crow13: Who's ratmm, anyway? Mike13: I dunno, but if it's critical of Ratliff, it's a friend of ours. >> >> Part 02 follows. Tom08: You mean it hasn't even STARTED yet? Crow08: We've been through ten of these so far, and I have yet to see one that starts before Part 2. Mike08: Or Part 10, for that matter. >> Parts will be reposted every month on the first >> tuesday of the month. Crow07: Reposted?!? Wasn't the first time enough? Crow08: This thing's gonna rerun more often than "Stewardess School"! Tom08: NOTHING reruns more often than "Stewardess School." >> New parts will be posted every tuesday. Tom02: Remind me to shoot myself on Mondays. Tom13: Is that a warning or a threat? Crow15: He plans to cause death and havoc on every Tuesday. Mike15: [as Tom Baker] Really? How vulgar. No one does anything of importance on a Tuesday. >> >> Stephen Ratliff. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ Crow09: [singing, as Bob Hope] And FAQs --- for the memories.... Crow13: FAQ #1: WHY IS STEPHEN RATLIFF ALLOWED TO WRITE??? >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "Jimmy boy, have you ever had a real mint julep?" - stoned comment of Dr. McCoy, ST:TOS Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... [cut to commercials] From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 2/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142350@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256835209 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 2/6 =============================== [return from commercials] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2 >> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 142 >> Message-ID: <51532e$n...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] Crow09: So I guess we get this whole shmear every time? Tom09: Looks that way.... >> >> >> >> Title: Premier Marqui Tom13: First Noble? Mike, this just doesn't parse! >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Expected Completion: 13 weeks >> TV-Guide-like blub: Tom14: [as TV-Guide] One-half star.... Tom08: [foaming at mouth] It's BLURB! BLURB, I tell you! Mike08: Easy, Tom. >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. Crow08: Readers declare boredom. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them Tom08: [as announcer] Guest-starring Gerald McRaney as Marrissa. Mike08 and Crow08: HUH? Tom09: [as "blub"] Millions die, and Marrissa gets promoted to Supreme Dictator-for-Life. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... >> >> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can >> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm >> after all. Mike08: They say that ratmm is one bad... Tom08: Shut yo' MOUTH! Mike08: But I'm just talkin' 'bout ratmm. Crow08: I can dig it. Crow09: Rented "Animaniacs" Tapes Might Melt? Mike09: Righteous Alabamians Trample Mississippi Mud? Tom09: Rec.Arts.TV.MST3K.Misc? Crow09: Ah, don't be silly, Servo. >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. All06: THANK GOD!!! Crow08: Not a GOOD work of fiction, by any stretch of the imagination, but a work of fiction, nonetheless. Tom08: You could make a good case that this is in fact nonfiction. Mike08: HUH? Tom08: Fiction is supposed to be plausible. Mike08 and Crow08: Aaaah. >> Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used Mike08: Inappropriately. >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental Tom08: Any resemblance to a coherent story is probably misapplied. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. Mike08: Everything else is property of Marrissa. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu? Crow15: Not really.... Mike15: Ok, we've run that joke into the mire.... >> >> Chapter One Tom12: The Armageddon. Mike07: ... in which Pip visits Miss Havisham and learns a Secret. Tom11: Your Honor, the author pleads guilty of chapter in the first degree. Crow08: Oh, so it's starting. Tom08: Not necessarily. Crow10: Better settle in. Maybe get a sandwich or something. >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard Tom15: Oh, dear, she's been promoted! Crow15: Again. >> entered the bridge of the >> USS Miranda. Crow12: Rights. Tom10: But she failed to secure a warrant first and the case was thrown out of court. Tom09: Miranda Richardson? Crow09: ... leading a fleet composed of the USS Helen Mirren, USS Vanessa Redgrave, and USS Joan Plowright. >> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington Mike08: [as T'Gwen] Marrissa noticed me! I'm alive! Tom06: Nice to know that *someone's* not beneath Marrissa's notice here.... >> she said, Tom14: [as Marrissa] Get out of my command chair! >> "Reporting as >> ordered, Captain." Tom08: [as T'Gwen] Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't take me seriously. >> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said. Crow06: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone? Crow13: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone? Tom15: You presume too much, Mister Bond.... Crow10: You know, when you presume, you make a pres out of... uh... oh, wrong one.... >> "I >> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment, Tom10: [as T'Gwen] But I... uh... have to wax the cat so I'll just see you later, okay? Bye. That alarm that says "warp core breach" is just broken, it's been like that all week. Don't think about it. >> but I >> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the >> Miranda to Captain Zimbata." Crow06: Hikeeba! Tom06: Zimbata! Crow10: Miranda Zimbata Jingleheimer-Schmidt. Tom05: Ah, but I love Ratliff's naturalistic dialogue. Tom13: Wasn't that an album by The Police --- "Zimbata Mondatta"? Mike13: Zenyatta, not Zimbata. Tom08: [singing] Hakuna Zimbata... Mike08: [singing] He's still in a daze... Crow08: [singing] He'll regret his involvement... Tom08: [singing] For the rest of his days. Crow03: Say, is T'Gwen a masculine name or a feminine one? Mike03: Possibly T'Gwen is a hermaphrodite. >> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means I will be turning >> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented. Mike15: [as Marrissa] Commander Whatshisface. The alien type guy.... Mike08: At the risk of sounding like a fanboy, HUH? Crow13: Of course not. In *this* story, all commands are turned over to underqualified minors. Crow11: [as Marrissa] You know, that would be a pity. The last person who removed me from command had this unfortunate ... accident. >> "No, Gusat All09: Gesundheit! >> has orders to report to Captain Washington of the >> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can >> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented. Crow09: It's "Syntax-a-Poppin'" week here at Ratliff Central. Tom14: [as T'Gwen] We tried phoning Gusat to explain all this, but the lines were busy. Tom03: Hmmm, what? Is there more than one Washington in this story? Crow03: That explains it, T'Gwen's a group entity. One female and one male. Tom11: I'm not even going to *try* to parse that last sentence. Mike11: It's really quite easy. T'Gwen was supposed to hand command of the Stargazer over to Gusat, but T'Gwen can't do that since she isn't in command of the Stargazer. And because T'Gwen can't make the transfer of command because Marrissa's in command, she's leaving Marrissa in command. Tom11: Thanks, Mike. It's all clear to me now. [Starts shivering] Tom15: What the...??? Trying to puzzle that thing out's giving me a headache. Mike15: Don't think, you'll enjoy it more. Crow15: Ah, the Brannon Braga theory of television production.... >> "So I guess >> you will have to stay in command until then." Crow07: [as Marrissa] Oh poopie. Tom02: Another dribbling plot device to put Marrissa in charge. Mike15: [dully] They've placed Marrissa in command again. What a surprise. Crow08: [as Church Lady] How conveeeeeeeeeeenient. Tom06: Let me see if I've got this straight. Since "Captain Washington of the Stargazer" is in command of another ship at the moment, she's become a completely different person? Crow06: Does *anybody* here think that it wouldn't be just as easy for First Officer Gusat to be having this conversation with Captain Washington? Mike10: This isn't a galactic organization so much as it is a high school student council. >> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied. Crow13: No, it's a STARship! Heh heh heh. Mike06: [as Marrissa] In fact, it'll be kinda neat to have the Stargazer's crew under my thumb again. Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'm just gonna run out and kill some things. Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, all right, Captain, I'll command your puny vessel for a while longer, but I want that dreadnought here in a week, or heads will roll! >> "Oh, and Captain, the >> Cardassian Central Command Crow07: Cardassian Central? Hey, that'd be funnier than--- Mike07: Shh, you're not supposed to know about that. >> has requested permission for their officers >> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet >> uniforms. Mike13: They like the way its skin-tight design leaves nothing to the imagination.... Tom15: Yeah, they want to erase any sense of individual culture as soon as possible. Crow15: And I thought the Borg were obsessed with assimilation.... >> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the >> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis." Mike08: And, in a Ratliff story, central to the action. Tom08: Inaction. Mike08: Right. Tom04: [as Marrissa] Today it's Starfleet uniforms. Tomorrow, Starfleet bobby pins. Give an inch and they take a mile! Crow11: [as Marrissa] No Starfleet uniform for you. You look much cuter in a Cardassian uniform. Mike09: Wait, back up here. Why are there Cardassians on a Starfleet ship in the first place? Tom09: The Cardassians need a little civilizin', and Marrissa's just the gal fer th'job! Tom06: Why haven't they been told that they *have to* wear Starfleet uniforms? They're under Starfleet orders on board a Starfleet vessel. Mike06: This is Ratliffleet. You need permission from the first officer to go into second gear. Crow06: Not to mention changing your underwear. Crow03: I think T'Gwen's a woman, since they're talking about clothing and fashion and femme-y stuff like that. >> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that >> permission," the half Vulcan Tom13: Half >> Captain Crow13: Half >> replied. Mike13: OK, that's enough of that. >> "I suggest that you grant >> interim permission as well, Commander." Tom04: Intermission? Did they say intermission? Mike04: No, no --- calm down. Tom11: Absolutely no one will remain seated duing the intense Dress Code scene! Mike15: Yes, everyone wants to cast away their stupid alien cultures and join the Federation. Crow15: [announcer voice] The Federation: We're better because the humans run us. Tom03: T'Gwen's got to be male. When's the last time you saw a female Vulcan who wasn't a member of Spock's family? >> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just >> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight Tom10: [as Marrissa] Apparently, I'm to be a sacrifice to appease some war gods or something.... >> aboard >> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress." Crow11: [as Marrissa] And a whip! These diplomats can be hard to handle. Tom04: [announcer voice] But in Marrissa's hands, it becomes a diplomatic *mal*function! Will the fun never cease? Marrissa Explains It All... All04: Here on Nickelodeon! Mike02: Wow, the great Marrissa forgot something. Crow02: A moment to be treasured. Crow09: [as Marrissa] Lessee here, we got the Admiral's Uniform, Battle- Armor, Borg Costume, Dominatrix Outfit ... What?!? Not one single Empire Gown in the whole lousy stinking lot?!?!? >> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington >> concluded. Crow10: They're apparently all allergic to actually *saying* anything. Tom15: Concluded what? *What?* English, Stephen! Do you speak it?!? Tom08: [as T'Gwen] I thought I'd NEVER get her outta here. Mike08: She DOES suck the air right out of a room, doesn't she? Crow03: T'Gwen's gotta be a woman. Marrissa forgets her dress and all she says is, "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commader," instead of, say, "Well, why don'tcha forget everything else as well, yuk yuk!" >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard Mike07: I forgot. What rank is she again? >> walked down Deep Space >> Nine's Promenade, Tom10: ... practicing her square dancing. >> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress. Tom04: ... this presented some difficulty, as she was still wearing it. Mike04: Luckily, his time in the Obsidian Order prepared him for this eventuality. Tom13: ... which meant that she was walking around in the nude and was about to be arrested. Mike13: You've read too many of the "Marrissa ogling scenes." >> As she >> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake. Crow13: [as Jake] Are you spying on me?? Tom09: It's the Sisko kid! [Mike09 & Crow09 groan.] Tom09: Oh, like you haven't been thinking the exact same thing since the show first went on the air. >> "Jake," she >> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me, >> Marrissa?" Tom06: [as Jake] Yes... despite all my best efforts. Mike09: [as Jake] AHH-H-H-H!!! YOU'RE REAL!!! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!! Mike11: \ Mike12: - [as Jake] No, you Marrissa. Me Jake. Mike13: / Mike08:/ >> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first, Crow13: Tongue kiss. Mike13: Ewwwwww! That's BEYOND sick! >> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied. Crow10: ...in response. Tom08: [as Jake] I'll be YEARS paying off the loss on this one. Mike15: I vividly remember the stir it caused when it made Oprah's Book Club.... >> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the >> bestsellers list for 8 weeks. Mike09: Everyone had to buy one. I mean, *had* to buy one. Crow09: So where is your copy of Marrissa's book?!? You are supposed to have it with you at all times!! GUARDS!! TAKE THEM AWAY!! Mike06: Oh boy. Now we *know* that Ratliff is living in his own fantasy world. He actually expects his readers to believe that people would *pay* to read Marrissa stories! Tom06: I could see that happening... Mike06 & Crow06: HUH?!? Tom06: ... if they were promoted as tales of horror. Tom14: Ratliff indulging egotistical fantasies. Not a pretty sight. Crow03: "Marrissa's Story: In Which She Explains Just Why She Always Gets the Easy Breaks." Crow08: Because EVERYONE loves Marrissa! Tom08: And because she's a twelve-year-old girl with a whip and a phaser. Mike08: Tom! How could you?! Tom08: No, I was saying because they'd be... Awww.... Mike10: Pop culture in the 24th century is apparently pretty easily amused. Tom10: No wonder they're all fascinated with 20th Century U.S. culture. >> Tell me, can I write a sequel?" Tom13: Only if you're a loser from Radford University. Heh heh. Tom12: Ratliff, you should be ashamed of yourself. Mike03: Haven't you written enough Marrissa sequels already?! Mike08: So Jake is the Michael Crichton of Ratliff's universe. Tom08: Looks like it. Mike09: Jake's trying to stay alive by proving he's in some way useful to Marrissa. >> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said. Crow12: [as Marrissa] Wait till the end of this chapter. Crow14: [as Marrissa] I've only conquered 1/3 of the galaxy yet. Crow11: [as Marrissa] I've only laid waste to half the galaxy yet. >> "Your last >> one ended when I took that Trakce ship. Tom13: Eckart spelled backwards. Crow13: What the heck is Eckart? Mike13: Well, it sounds like "Eckerd" --- a drug store down south. Tom13: He named an alien race after a DRUG STORE?!? >> I've only discovered that I'm a >> Princess Crow13: [whiny] I want a new mink coat! I want to go to Miaaaaami! Mike13: [scolding] That's a very negative stereotype. Shame on you! Tom13: Yet oddly appropriate. Mike13: [warningly] Tom! >> and got promoted since then." Crow04: Modesty incarnate. Crow07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, just everyday humdrum trivia recently. Crow02: [as Marrissa] At least wait until I'm God of the Universe. Crow08: [as Jake] You're right. It's not much of a story. Mike08: Well, *we* could have told him that. Mike06: [as Jake] Ho hum. Is that all? Crow06: [as Marrissa] Yeah, same old same old. All these awards get pretty boring after a while.... Mike11: Even Marrissa seems to want to forget "Time Speeder." Mike10: Jake, if it weren't for exposition, would you exist at all? Tom10: Doesn't matter, she'd break into the intercom and tell everyone if he weren't here. >> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in, Mike13: It used the servants' entrance. >> and it's hard to miss a >> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented. Mike06: [as Jake] Especially when you've got a whole bank of photon torpedoes locked onto it. Tom11: [as Jake] Then again, my aim sucks. Crow13: That's true. I miss it already. [breaks down, crying] Oh, how I miss it! Mike13: [patting Crow13] There, there. >> "So are you here on vacation?" Tom08: *Please* tell me that he's not hitting on her. Mike08: He's not hitting on her. Tom08: Thanks. Mike08: I hope. Mike10: [as Marrissa] No, I'm here on a space station...oh, wait...oh. Tom13: [as Marrissa] Sort of. Galactic domination is kind of a hobby with me. Tom15: [as announcer] Come visit sunny Deep Space Nine, Ground Zero for an imminent Dominion invasion. Crow15: [as announcer] Go home with plenty of pictures and a body count.... >> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer," Tom06: [as Marrissa] It was the only way they could get rid of me. >> Marrissa replied. "I'm >> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893." Mike10: ZIP 07746-2305. Crow10: UPC 59800 21742. Tom10: ISBN 0-89954-995-0. Crow03: [as Marrissa] And you, I understand, are now the head barman in Ten Forward. And I've heard that your parents have gotten night jobs as private eyes while they continue to work at DS9 during the day. Aren't these long stretches of expository text just wonderful? Mike15: Fighter commander? Tom15: When did these ships get fighters? Crow15: Probably something he stole from "Babylon 5." It's becoming required at Paramount these days. >> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied. "If I remember what >> my dad said, Mike10: [as Jake] My head will be clogged full of pointless baseball anecdotes. >> you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized >> zone." Mike04: Playing with discarded munitions and so forth. Tom08: Yep ... Demilitarized Zones: Family fun for everyone! Crow13: The Demilitarized Zone! A place to relax from the stresses of the work day. Crow11: Yes, choose death! Death, the greatest adventure of them all! This message was brought to you by the Death Council. Tom12: [quietly] I'd rather she was sent to the dematerialized zone. >> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class," Tom06: But they won't know what trouble *is* until they've taken Professor Johnson's English class.... Mike08: Actually, the FEDERATION has problems with the Intrepid class. >> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do." Mike13: [as Marrissa] Blue Angels, bite me! Tom13: [in awe] Mike just said "bite me"! Crow13: Our plan is working. Tom08: But can they do the Kessel run in twelve parsecs? Mike03: [as Marrissa] It wasn't destructive enough at first, so I rewired it. More power!! Arrh arrh arrh! Tom03: T'Gwen might be a female, but I'm not so sure about Marrissa. Crow10: SX-10? Isn't that the portable version of the Commodore 64 that nobody bought? Crow15: Marrissa designed her own fighters? Tom15: Well, lowest bidder and all.... Mike15: [as Ralph Nader] The Essex-10, unsafe at any velocity! >> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my >> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter." Mike14: [as Jake] I promise I won't sell classified material to the Dominion or nothing. Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because it's you, Jake, I won't even bother to edit out any classified information from the recording. Mike06: After the success of DOOM, all fighters came with a -record {filename}.lmp feature built in.... >> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired All02: Traitor! Traitor! Tom08: [as announcer] Treason: It's what's hot! Tom04: [as Ratliff] Yes --- they're a group of freedom fighters I invented. I simply altered the spelling of "Maquis." Much like the word "Tracke" is derived from "Crappe," a common French perjorative. >> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've >> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said. Tom13: Enterprized, A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise.... Crow07: [as Jake] Plus, my invisible friend Bunky is a Marqui. Crow03: Oh, so Jake's the author of the famous "Johnny Maquaine." See, 'cause it's like "Johnny Tremaine" but different... heh... uh, never mind. >> "Hey, isn't that your >> new first officer, Gusat?" All09: Gesundheit! Mike10: [as Jake] And look! He's wearing your new dress! Tom04: [as Garak] No, my name is Garak. I am a simple tailor whose job it is to mend... to alter... to repair --- yet I find myself hampered by this young lady's incessant movements. Mike04: Good Garak, Tom. Tom04: [bows as best he can; almost tips over] >> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied. Crow09: [as Marrissa] And for that, you must die! >> "If you will >> excuse me, I better go introduce myself." Tom04: [as Garak] No! Wait! I'm not done yet! Tom08: [as Marrissa] I don't have much time to subjugate him to my will.... Crow06: [as Marrissa] But come and see me later. I could use a kid like you in my organization. Tom09: If everybody in the galaxy owns five copies of her book, why does she need to introduce herself? Tom13: [as Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa, and I'll be your annoying twit for the evening. Mike15: She doesn't even know what her first officer looks like? Crow15: Marrissa Picard --- she just doesn't care.... >> >> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a >> little Dabo Crow14: Hey, that's dirty! Mike14: It's a gambling game, Crow. Crow14: Oh.... Never mind. Mike09: I could go for a little Olivia D'Abo myself. Crow04: Olivia or Maryam? Mike04: And don't call her little --- she's got Q powers. Tom04: Yeah --- she'll probably smite you or cast you out or something. >> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat," All09: Gesundheit! >> she inquired. >> "Yes," he responded. >> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, I'll be serving as >> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer." Mike08: Not a *word*, Crow. Crow12: That's just too easy. I'm not gonna say it. Tom06: [as Marrissa] But you'll have to wait until hell freezes over before I'll let you actually give me orders. Crow09: I wonder what the Cardassian term for "Ritual Suicide" is? Tom09: "Marrissa." >> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat >> smiled. Mike06: [as Gusat] Now you're an easy target for my disruptor.... Tom11: [as Gusat] I've been waiting to smack you in the face ever since.... Mike11: [interrupting Tom11] Let's not build our hopes up too high, shall we? Tom10: Even as we speak, James Blish is rising from the grave to assault Stephen Ratliff. Mike10: Good. >> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked. Mike07: [as Gusat] No, but I've read a few crappy fanfics about you. Crow08: [as Gusat] No, this is the first time we've meet, but I'm sure we'll met again. Mike08: Did Ratliff PAY that proofreader? >> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's >> ship when you drove him insane." Tom02: As well as the rest of us. Tom06: Especially the readers! Mike11: Especially the readers! Mike03: Oh no. Not a flashback...?!! Mike10: Oh, Ducat read that Marrissa biography too? Tom13: Ducat read the Marrissa fanfic series! >> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa >> replied. "I only wanted to humiliate him." Tom14: [as Marrissa] And subjugate him, like I do *all* adults in my presence. Mike07: [as Marrissa] And crush his soul under my heel, hee hee hee! Mike06: [as Marrissa] Humiliation is fun! I don't see why anyone would make such a big deal out of it.... Crow09: [as Marrissa] I usually charge for inducing madness. Humiliation's just a hobby, y'know? It's this little thing I do. Crow11: [as Marrissa] Public humiliation of others is *all* I ever want. I have no other motivation for existence! Well, that, and telling others what to do. Oh yeah, and killing people. Crow12: [as Marrissa] Did he really mind the dog collar that much? Mike08: I thought just his being in the story was humiliation enough. >> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under >> him got promoted," Gusat said. Tom06: [as evil Chekov] You go bonkers, and we *all* move up in rank! >> "So I must thank you for that." Mike11: So when someone above you goes nuts, you get promoted? Tom11: I think Ratliff has finally explained Marrissa's rapid rise through the ranks. Tom13: Nothing like provoking a little insanity in your commanding officer for personal gain. Crow14: Ah yes, a Captain goes mad and every single ensign under him becomes a lieutenant. I can see that. Crow08: [as Gusat] You *must* permit me to drive one of your leaders out of his or her mind sometime.... Mike09: [as Gusat] Thank you for spreading insanity through the galaxy --- just please, don't hurt me! >> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied as they sat down at the >> bar. "Strawberry soda, Crow04: [singing] Forever.... >> Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it >> this time." >> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned. Tom11: [as Marrissa] Yeah, putting spikes and razor blades in it. I almost cut my tongue off. >> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran All08: Eeewwwwwww! >> ale All08: Whew! >> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I >> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time." Crow04: [as Marrissa] But after several mandatory Beverage Diversity seminars, I'm now far more tolerant. Mike06: [as Marrissa] But now my fourteen-year-old liver and I can booze it up with the best of them! Crow02: [as Marrissa] But now I can pack 'em away just like Admiral Scott. Crow08: [as Marrissa] Now, of course, I can drink like a fish. Mike03: Aaargh! Stop threatening us with these flashbacks! >> Mike15: Oh. Tom15: And the scene just kinda peters out.... >> The Intrepid class starship Fearless Tom04: Wasn't Jeff Bridges' character in "Fearless" allergic to strawberries? Crow04: Indeed --- and wasn't Marrissa just speaking of strawberry soda? Tom04: And wasn't John DeLancie in "Fearless"? Mike04: Eerie, guys, really eerie. Mike13: [singing] You say the hill's too steep to cliiiimb.... Tom13: I think that's a little obscure, even for you, Nelson. >> was taking a break from >> demilitarized zone patrol. Crow12: It was having a Kit-Kat bar. Crow15: Just kicking back with a few brewskies, whistling at cute freighters as they pass by.... Crow03: So the Fearless ship is Intrepid. Tom03: No, the Intrepid ship is the Fearless. >> Admiral Ellis had ordered the bridge crew to >> take shore leave Mike07: [as Ellis] Go have fun, you crazy kids! >> on Greenhome IV, Tom04: [as elderly Kirk in "Deadly Years"] Greenhome... up there... on my bridge... running my ship! >> a planet in the DMZ. Mike11: Drink More Zima? Tom11: Dark Marrissa Zero? Crow11: Data's Manly Zones? Mike11: Crow! Tom15: [as Ellis] You're going to go down there and have fun or I'll have you shot. Crow15: What kind of idiot goes for R-and-R in a DMZ? Mike15: I smell a Ratliff plot device.... >> Captain Seina >> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi, Mike06: [as the Fonz] Aaaaayyyyyy, Pazzi! Where's Ralph Malph? Crow04: "Doctor Francis Pazzi." Hmm. That's an anagram of "I'd scan for ROTC pizza." Mike04: What's an ROTC pizza? Tom04: A Viidian reserve officer? Mike04: Someone beamed the pepperoni straight out of Neelix's mouth! Crow04: And they split B'Elena into two distinct entities. Tom04: Free Kazon crazy bread with every order! Mike04: Okay, enough. Crow04: Just a phage we're going through. [Group groan, laced with pride.] >> the Chief Medical Officer in command. Crow10: Because, yes, Seina was that stupid. Tom13: Just to prove he can make poor decisions like Jean-Luc Picard. Mike12: [as Seina] If Picard can do it, so can I. >> If >> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to >> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it. Mike07: Yeah, shore leave is such a drag. Tom08: How DARE they presume upon the Captain to have fun?! Mike08: I'm glad you didn't take the obvious joke there. Tom08: I think we all can be glad of that. >> Of the 132 >> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who >> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least. Crow08: Those who had pissed Doctor Pazzi off. Crow10: All the ones with talent. Crow13: [as Pazzi] No, Lieutenant Johnson does *not* need shore leave! [muttering] Steal Betty Lou away from me, will you? Mike04: I want to make a "Giant Rabbit" reference, but I can't decide on what. Tom15: I think we've stretched plausibility so far that it's snapped back and taken out an eye.... >> "Doctor, a Marqui raider Crow09: Ken Stabler? >> has entered the system," an ensign said >> from the helm. Crow15: How do they know? Mike15: The ship has "Marqui raider" painted on the side in fluorescent orange. Mike13: [as ensign] He's offering to play a Deathmatch in Quake. Crow11: A nameless ensign? He's gone! >> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated. All14: Hail little Caesar! Mike08: Warn them out of this fanfic! Tom08: Gee, Nelson, thanks for not taking the obvious joke. Mike08: Heyyyy! >> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington >> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?" Crow06: [as Eddington] Are you decent? Crow10: [as Eddington] Is my name British enough? Mike14: Back for a cameo, ladies and gentlemen, Commander Michael Eddington. Bots14: [cheering crowd noises] >> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded. All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Crow03: [false-cheery tone] Oh, I just LOVE Ratliff's brilliant strokes of humor. Tom15: Not since Oscar Wilde and Tom Stoppard has such witty banter been seen.... Crow07: These are the yolks, folks. Mike11: Wow! This ship must be under constant yellow alert! Bots11: [Cringe at the lousy pun] Mike04: There's a Tyson Foods reference in here somewhere --- I can just feel it. Crow04: After all, Marrissa is friends with the Clintons. Tom08: Hey, I think Ratliff is introducing TREACHERY to his stories. Mike08: Well, he's been betraying readers for years now. >> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington >> ordered. >> The channel closed, Mike09: Well, the way Herzog ran it, I'm not surprised. >> and Eddington materialized on the bridge. >> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said, "Computer, transfer >> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders." Tom06: [as computer] Unable to comply. There is a Lieutenant Commander Eddington aboard, but no Captain Eddington. Tom11: Orders? Looks more like disorders to me. Tom13: [as computer] Big Mac and large fries processed. Would you like fries with that? >> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is >> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael >> Eddington." Crow15: Oh, that was easy. Tom15: Something tells me they've got a firewall made out of tissue paper. Mike10: This wouldn't have happened if they watched "Good Morning America." I saw them do a special report on how to keep this from happening to your vehicle. Mike04: Um... is that supposed to be ominous? Tom08: [as computer] And from now on, *I* will be known as "Magic Voice." >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "No one wants to leave paradise " >> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington, >> ST:DS9 Mike04: "To... breathe... again!" - orgasmic comment of Capt. Kirk, ST:TOS Mike08: Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Crow05: I bet he wants to leave this fanfic, though. Mike15: Use some new stock footage, Ratliff!!! [The text freezes on the screen. All of the replicants remain seated, but Cambot backs up through the hallway.] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [We see Crow sitting behind the main console, surrounded by various pictures and props. Tom Servo is in the foreground wearing a black beret and holding a megaphone, looking very directorial.] TOM: OK, Mr. Graves, we've got a lot of Biography bumpers to shoot here, so let's get going. CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. All this month on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, we'll be running a 42-part serial devoted to the life of Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon Crusher Troi Burton Deutschmarx Overholt de la Cristo Fortensky, better known to the galaxy --- like Cher, Madonna, and Charro before her --- simply as "Marrissa." At the tender age of 14, Marrissa's first biography inexplicably sold over five trillion copies, more than the entire sentient population of the known galaxy. We're certainly hoping to duplicate that success here on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. But it still raises many questions. Why would Marrissa's biography be so overwhelmingly popular, in a world where many great writings go unpurchased, such as the wonderful screenplay by my close personal friend, Crow T. Robot, "Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota"? An outrage for which the Hollywood community should feel a great deal of shame --- for itself, and for its callous treatment of Mr. Robot, a brilliant young screenwriter chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood money machine, a... TOM: Please stay on script, Mr. Graves! CROW: [coughs] Ahem. So join us, please, as we delve into the mystery that is Marrissa, on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. For "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, I'm Peter Graves. TOM: OK, we'll clean that up in editing. Keep the camera rolling. Let's go folks, let's go! [Mike briefly holds in front of the camera a chalkboard saying, "'A&E Biography' with Peter Graves / Bumper 2 / Take 1".] [As Mike pulls the chalkboard away, Cambot treats us to the music and the wavy, out-of-focus visual effect indicating the passage of time. When he comes back into focus, Mike's chalkboard reads, "Bumper 4 / Take 3."] TOM: Action! CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves ... "Disaster!" The seminal moment of Marrissa's rise to power was her discovery of Ratliff gas, first created by a malfunction in the Enterprise turbolift, her mutant ability to detect it and her immunity from its effects. The effect of Ratliff gas is seen as not only is Captain Picard moved to sing, but to sing the most stereotypical song a Frenchman could sing, "Frere Jacques".... [Crow's voice fades out amidst more music and wavy, out-of-focus camera effects. Focus returns.] CROW: ...continued experimenting with Ratliff gas. We see its devastating effects in this clip in which Mr. Data and Ambassador Spock --- two of the galaxy's most eminently logical beings --- discuss why an untrained twelve-year-old girl should be given command of the Federation's most advanced technology and be made responsible for thousands of lives. >> "We are unable to cloak with the saucer section attached," Data >> said. "Also the regular crew is need for are mission to resucue the >> Enterprise-C. Westley Crusher suggested that the kids now in command >> of the bridge could do the job. The Girl in command has a 20 minute >> Kobayshi Maru time." >> "Logical." CROW: [shaking his head] Truly, truly, sad. Note also Data's impaired speech, and the curious side effect of referring to "The Girl" in capital letters, which suggests.... [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: ...other events in Marrissa's career can we attribute to this mysterious substance? The evil Trakce use an intruder knock-out gas to which they are more vulnerable than any other species in the galaxy, and then put a control panel in the one part of their ship most likely to be invaded. Years later, when the Enterprise-E under command of Captain Riker was captured by the Romulans --- an act sure to provoke intergalactic war --- what is the first priority of Starfleet's top admiralty when they hear this dreadful news? Answer: to assign the name "Enterprise" to Marrissa's new ship. And perhaps most shockingly, when His Holiness Pope Gregory "Shoot First, Ask Questions Later" the Twentieth entered a battle and fired on an unknown ship without first attempting communication. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with me, Peter Graves, we examine.... [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: ...Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves: "Royal Romance and Storybook Weddings." Picture, if you will, two young women --- long-lost cousins, both orphaned by violent circumstances, drawn together by tragedy, sharing the responsibilities and privileges of royalty, now rebuilding their lives. One of them has just received a marriage proposal. Imagine the joy, the giddy excitement, the intricate plans and deep personal feelings these two will spend hours sharing the next time they talk. Tonight, we see the tender, intimate side of Marrissa: >> Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in >> Marrissa's quarters. "Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked. >> "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But >> I had to inform you of some good news." >> "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked. >> "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa >> replied. >> The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good >> news." >> "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. [Cambot fast-forwards the scrolling text over the next few paragraphs. Readers should feel free --- nay, encouraged --- to ignore them.] >> "That is good news, now if I could only get William to do so," >> Victoria mused. >> "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted >> Alexander's proposal." >> "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had >> William push though Parliament," the Queen said. "So Clara could marry >> a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be typical royals." >> "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa >> questioned. >> "It's been awhile," the Queen replied. >> "Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a >> starship Captain. Prince Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant >> engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on a Starship. Earl >> Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar. >> I can't find any normal royalty in my family." >> "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a >> normal royal family," Marrissa replied. "When can we arrange for a >> double wedding on Essex." >> "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three >> weeks so lets make it a month to provide a margin of error," >> Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime >> Minister into action?" >> "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time >> and date to my father so he can arrange his escape, use code Mozart >> Symphony number 23." [Text resumes normal scrolling speed.] >> "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids," >> Victoria said. >> "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll >> get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said. >> "Congraduations Marrissa, and tell Clara the same," Victoria said. >> "Well I better get back to dinner. Essex out." CROW: [Long, deep sigh. Then silence for several seconds.] TOM: Mr. Graves? [pause] Mr. Graves! CROW: WHAT?! I mean, what is the point?! Why am I peddling this? Is this any way to end a career?! Seven years of "Mission: Impossible" and two Emmy nominations for *this*? TOM: Mr. Graves... CROW: ...I mean, just *look* at this cr.... TOM: MISTER GRAVES! [Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.] CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, the tragic final years of Marrissa. Burned out at the age of 30, thwarted on the verge of becoming Empress of the Galaxy because her victims built up a resistance to Ratliff gas, she is then court-martialled by Starfleet and dishonorably discharged. Captain Jay Gordon divorces her and takes custody the children. Considered too eccentric and bizarre to be a member of the Royal Family, she is removed from the throne of Essex. Now destitute, Marrissa is living in a trailer park on Rigel IV, where she is known as that crazy lady who keeps trying to administer Kobayashi Maru tests to all the neighborhood kids. Is this the end of Marrissa? Or will the rumors of a new infomercial appearance contract be her chance for a comeback? Will fanfic sign give her the opportunity to.... MIKE & TOM: FANFIC SIGN! [Fanfic sign is flashing. Mike hits it amidst pandemonium.] [They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [All of the replicants are waiting in the theater as Cambot settles into place. The text resumes scrolling.] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3 >> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 198 >> Message-ID: <51mssf$9...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu Crow07: Narf! Tom09: [as The Brain] Plunky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Crow09: [as Pinky] Um, I think so, Brain, but butterscotch pudding gives me the hives something awful. Tom08: Anyone know what that "plunky" sound was? Mike08: I think that was the story falling flat. >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Premier Maqui* >> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> part 3 >> >> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here. Tom12: [as Ratliff] I'm failing, but I am trying. >> Maquis (as in the episode) >> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one. Tom07: Wait, didn't he refer to the whole group without the "s" already? Mike07: That way lies madness. Crow08: Study French much, Stephen? Mike08: Not so you'd notice. Tom04: If only the French would wise up to this. If you wanted to talk about a single race car, you could simply say "Le Man." Mike04: Or a single sports sedan: "Calai." Crow04: A single capital: "Pari." Tom04: We'll always have Pari. Mike04: If you can stand watching Colin Baker, that is. Mike09: Sorry, Steve-a-rino. "Maquis" is both singular *and* plural. Tom09: [as Gomez Addams] "Maquis" --- Tish, that's French! Mike09: [as Morticia] Now Gomez, not in front of the Kids' Crew. >> >> Chapter Two Crow07: Electric Boogaloo. Tom12: The Return of Jafar. >> >> Captain's Log >> USS Stargazer >> STARDATE 50378.4 >> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording Mike09: Remember, being a Starfleet Captain and having a recording career just don't mix. Tom09: If you're going to command, don't sing; if you're going to sing, don't command. >> Captain Zimbata Crow12: The forbidden dance! >> of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of Mike08: My belongings and other valuables. Tom08: My self-respect. >> the Miranda, Mike15: She makes the ship sound like a gallstone. >> I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893, Mike11: An overworked and underpowered ship waiting to come apart at every opportunity. Tom11: Mike, no one will get that. >> the >> first ship of the Stargazer class. Tom13: Stargazer: Class of '50378.4 >> I look forward to beginning our >> mission Mike14: Hey, this is stolen straight from "Encounter at Farpoint." Crow14: Sure, why not? He got away with ripping off Twain and the Founding Fathers, right? >> to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone by Mike10: Shootin' stuff. Tom15: Oh, yes, reduce tension by tromping a warship around. Crow15: [singing] We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men! >> restraining the >> Marqui Crow09: Well, he's switched back to "Marqui" again. Tom09: What good's a word you can only spell one way? >> and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order, Mike07: Is that one of those really bad sci-fi puns, or unintentional? Crow08: I wonder what the Hi'den message is. Tom06: Didn't they compose a few symphonies under a different spelling? Mike15: [foppish voice] Oh, my what a witty jape! Crow15: [equally foppish voice] Yes, how droll! >> or the order >> of the forgotten and abandoned. Mike06: A perfect description for what this story should have been. Mike08: Star Trek fans, in other words. Crow08: Like you, Mike. Mike08: That's right, I... HEY! Crow11: [as T'Gwen] I'm looking forward especially to the restraining bit. >> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer, >> Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command. Crow10: [falsetto] ...who are even less important. >> In >> addition, I have the pleasure Crow06: [as T'Gwen] ...and I use that word *very* loosely. >> of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A. >> Picard, Tom08: [as T'Gwen, dripping with sarcasm] And it's just SUCH a pleasure, let me tell you. >> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth Crow08: [as T'Gwen] ...will probably doom us. >> and vigor, not to mention Tom10: ...her connections with the author. >> ability will be a refreshing change from the >> Miranda, where all my officers were Mike11: ...actually qualified to run a starship. >> older than 40, 5 years older than >> myself at the least. Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Which of course means they were all totally worthless and senile and incompetent, the poopie-heads! Crow06: [as T'Gwen] Once they get past puberty, it's all downhill from there.... Crow05: Never trust anyone over forty! Mike05: I keep getting this picture of Marrissa as a latter-day Dr. Kevorkian, killing off any Starfleet personnel over the age of twenty.... Tom10: This is like the background of a short story Orson Scott Card wrote for practice. Crow15: "Youth and vigor"? Tom15: Don't go there.... >> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by >> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there. Tom04: That would tend to inflate repair estimates considerably. Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Apparently, Starfleet just clean forgot. Crow13: [as T'Gwen] There were only 18,284 qualified candidates. Mike11: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Ships never break down or even get a scratch with Marrissa on board. Tom09: No one to stand around and yell, "Cap'n, th' dilithium crystals canna take th' str-r-r-rain!!" Crow09: Nobody to wear a banana clip on his face. Mike09: No fabulously dangerous half-Klingon babes. Bots09: WHAT?!? Mike09: So I like Roxann Biggs-Dawson, so sue me. Tom15: [as T'Gwen] The engineer from the temp service only sits around and eats bearclaws all day. Mike15: HEY! Take that back! Tom15: Fat chance, Nelson. [Tom15 and Mike15 struggle. After a few seconds, Mike15 rips Tom15's head off. Unfortunately (for Mike15), this causes a minor explosion which takes out Mike15 as well. After the usual smoke, sparks, and bits of wire, they remain still.] >> I am >> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better. Tom08: Let's *all* get to know them better. Mike08: Yes, let's. Crow08: Since we have no choice. Crow11: Is that in the biblical... MMMPPH!! Mike11: [clamping Crow11's beak] You're not making things easier, pal. Mike10: [as Radar] By command of the new commanding officer, all officers are to report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. >> >> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young >> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room. Tom08: [as Gusat] I try not to. Crow06: [as Gusat] You Starfleet people have a word that describes her well.... I believe it refers to a female member of the canine species? Mike13: [as Gusat] I want to play Baby Harp Seal with her. Crow13: Is it time for your Prozac(R) dose already? Bots03: I think our young fighter commander is FAB-ulous...!!! >> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does >> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship," Mike06: Ratliffian syntax strikes again.... Crow11: The saucer section I know about, but how did Marrissa get command of a Cardassian warship? Mike11: This plot point is left as an exercise for the reader. >> Glinn >> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence. I certainly don't want to be Mike08: [as Gusat] ...on the same SHIP with her or anything, but... Tom08: [as T'Gwen] HAHAHAHahahaha. YOU'RE STUCK HERE! Crow10: [as Gusat] I don't want to even be in this fanfic. >> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer, >> perish the thought." Crow06: [as Gusat] I'd rather be where I can kill her with my own two hands. Crow05: And perish *would* be the thought if Marrissa's network of informers didn't bring back reports of sycophantic praise and adulation from her fellow officers. Crow08: [brightly] Don't worry. You can perish right here with the rest of us. Crow15: Yes, with whiny genius kids, you're INVINCIBLE!!! Mike10: [as Gusat] Can I go now? >> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong >> willed fighter commander," Tom10: [as Gusat] Who? Oh, you mean... okay, I see. >> the half-Vulcan replied. Tom10: Which half? Crow10: The outer half. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] You're better off that way. She tends to arrange little "accidents" for anyone who crosses her. >> "And by the way, >> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa. Mike08: [as Gusat] Why would I have before you brought it up? Crow09: 'Cuz she's no pleasure planet, let me tell you! Tom13: [as T'Gwen] Snot-Nosed Brat, however, is perfectly acceptable. >> According to our >> Chief Tactical Officer, Tom10: Whose name has been withheld to protect our sources. >> that makes her mad enough to resort to practical >> jokes under the guise of a drill." Crow13: Under the guise of a Starfleet commander, most likely. Mike08: [as T'Gwen] And that could kill us all, so don't do it. Tom06: [as T'Gwen] That's when she dresses up as a drill and uses a squirt flower loaded with battery acid on anyone who gets too close. That Marrissa, what a kidder! >> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to >> know how she does that." Crow15: OHMYGOD, it's "A-versus-D II" all over again!! NOOOOOOO!!! [Crow15's head blows up, and he joins Tom15, Mike15, and the 01-set in the replicant afterlife. Tom09: [as crewman] What th' --- hey! Who put this 100 pound weight in my hiking bag? Mike09: Oh, you zany, madcap fighter commander you. Crow13: ...Swapping pain-inducers for Novocaine. Mike13: Oooh, that makes my teeth hurt just *thinking* about it. Mike03: It would be nice to see a few practical jokes, just to put a stop to all this TALKING! Argh! >> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington >> said. Crow07: Or maybe Drake Tungsten. Tom07: Or Rick Drywall. Tom08: Or Trent Lockjaw. Mike08: Or Drake Steelface. Crow08: Or Chet Hugelarge. >> >> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard Mike13: What was his rank again? Tom13: Commander? No ... Captain? Crow13: Admiral? >> was greeting the fighter >> pilots in the Fighter bay. Tom14: ...and Hudson pilots in the Hudson Bay. Crow04: The fighter inlet was simply too crowded this time of year. Crow06: [as Ross] Hi, I'm Ross Lockard, and I'm running for State Attorney General.... Tom07: [as Ross] Hello, fighter pilots. How's the wife and kids? >> Twenty-nine Cardassians Crow12: [singing] ...on the wall, Twenty-nine Cardassians. Crow08: [singing] And a hundred and one cornets in their wake! >> and an equal number >> of Starfleet personnel Tom09: Oh, let me guess ... 29? Tom13: So ... that would be twenty-nine? Mike13: Looks like it. >> stood in ranks by seniority Tom06: ...alphabetically by height. >> in the over 10,000 >> square foot bay. Crow06: Isn't that going to get them a little wet? Crow10: Does that include the bay windows and walk-in closet? Tom02: The lowest ranking members got to stand outside without vac suits... Crow02: Sssirrr. It's ccccold out here.... Tom13: Unfortunately, it was also 10,000 cubic feet, so they all died as a result of being three-dimensional beings in a two-dimensional space. Mike13: Uh, 10,000 cubic feet would mean that it's one foot high. Tom13: Oh, ease up, Techno-Boy. >> "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mike06: [as Ross] As I stand before you now, I'm reminded of something funny that happened to me on my way down to the fighter bay tonight.... >> I am the Chief Tactical Crow14: ...blunder. >> Officer >> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began. Tom08: [as Ross] But you may call me "Studmuffin." Mike10: Then he froze, panicked, ran underneath a table and curled up, quivering and screaming, "The doughnuts are out of order! The doughnuts are out of order!" >> "Your Commanding >> Officer, the Fighter Commander, Tom10: Let's give her a big Las Vegas welcome... >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, Mike08: [as Ross] Is a real pain in the ass, so just do what she says, and eventually she'll leave you alone. Crow08: [British] If you're very lucky, she MAY read you some of her poetry first.... >> had 'affairs of state' to finish Crow11: I guess that's what Lady Di calls it, too. Tom13: She's having an affair with New Jersey. Mike13: Ooh, Massachusetts will be so jealous. Crow13: [as Mel Brooks] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but affairs of state must take precedence before affairs of state. >> and will be joining us later. Crow08: If it's all right, Mike, I'd like to take TWO showers tonight. Mike11: Getting plastered at Quark's is an "affair of state?" Mike07: [as Ross] But, if you ask me, she just had a few too many strawberry daiquiris last night. Tom04: Actually, she's drafting a Declaration of Incompetence. >> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations >> of this vessel. Tom11: Rule number one: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number two: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number three... Crow13: Rule number 1 --- no running with scissors! Tom13: [British] Rule number 2 --- No Pooftahs! Mike13: That'll never pass the Politically Correct censors. Tom13: But it's a quote. That makes it all right ... right? >> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order. Tom06: Keep the fighters in their corners, and don't let them hit below the belt. Mike10: [as Ross] Namely, we want them lined up by their favorite condiments. >> We >> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff. Mike10: Well, that's what you *get* for hiring six-year-olds. Mike04: They've gotta be short, what with these low-hanging girders. Mike09: [as Ross] And here's our new Chief Engineer, Robert Reich! Mike12: Fifty fighters and fifty-eight pilots? I see a fight coming on. >> In fact >> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer. Mike11: [as Ross] So just try not to get your ships blown up, okay? Crow08: [as Ross] Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, we're pretty much doomed. Crow14: [as Ross] This means no fooling about with nitrous boosters. Especially you Duke boys! Tom13: So, um, they have no Chief Engineer, right? Mike13: Looks that way. Crow13: I'm sure Ratliff will remind us again later. >> "Secondly, as to obeying orders, Mike03: [as Ross] Yes, we think it'd be very nice for you to obey orders. And that's an order. Mike10: [as Ross] It'd be a good idea, except, well, *look* at us. >> you are to obey all the orders >> of those ranked above or positioned above you. All14: Well, duh! Mike08: ...except on alternate Thursdays. Tom08: So the fighter pilots are walk-ons or something? Crow09: What a bold administrative maneuver. Mike04: [mock horror] Everyone looks around in dismay. Crow04: [gasping] Could it be true? Tom10: This is known as the "dur--hey!" briefing. Tom12: Don't they teach *anything* at the Academy? Crow13: [as Ross] Of course, this goes without saying in any military operation, but I thought I'd break the ice by insulting your intelligence. Tom06: [as Ross] In other words, if you're on Deck 5, do everything that anyone on Deck 4 or higher tells you. Crow11: [as Ross] Disobeying orders because of moral concerns is for captains. You cannon fodder will be executed if you try anything like that. >> Your direct superiors Mike08: Don't care if you live or die, and don't you forget it! >> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> and the >> Captain, T'Gwen Washington. Crow08: Third, if you put leftovers in the fridge, MARK them for heaven's sake, or they're just fair game. Tom08: Fourth, if you drink the last cup of coffee, you make the next pot. Mike08: Fifth, don't start any subplots. Mike10: This kind of organization is what sets Starfleet apart from a dodgeball league. Mike13: What does a Vulcan cash register sound like? Tom13: I dunno. Mike13: T'Pring! Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaan-boy! Mike13: Oh, lay off, will ya? >> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the >> bay. Tom03: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Marrissa! Crow03: [singing] Heeeeeeere she comes, Miss Amberpicard.... Crow06: Until then, she had been sitting on the dock watching the tide roll away. >> Noticing her Ross Crow12: Hey, nice Ross! >> announced, Tom10: [as psychiatrist ] I see ... and does your Ross announce things often? >> "Now here is your commanding officer, >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard." Mike05: [as Ross] ALL KNEEL! [hushed whisper] Avert your eyes! Tom06: [as Ross] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd! I'm going to bring out your headliner now.... >> As he moved to leave, he >> whispered in Marrissa's ear, Mike10: [as Ross] Don't mind the weapons, they only *look* like they're set on kill. >> "I got them ready for you, enjoy." Crow08: AAAAHHH! NOOOOO! Mike08: Why did we have to see that?! Tom08: Oh, come on... he couldn't possibly have meant... Gaaaah! Crow11: [as Marrissa] Oh, I will! Mike06: [as Marrissa] Mmmm... they look ready all right! Now hand me that strawberry-scented body oil.... >> "Fellow pilots," she began. Tom14: [as Marrissa] Friends, Cardassians, Federationmen, lend me your ears.... Tom06: [as Marrissa] My fellow pilots... tonight we come to a turning point in our great nation's history.... >> "As Ross has no doubt informed you, Mike08: [as Marrissa] I'm a control freak. Crow09: [as Marrissa] You're all doomed to die horrible deaths at my hands. Have a nice day. >> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer >> as well. Tom05: [as Marrissa] Furthermore, I am also the chairperson of the Department of Redundancy Department, as well, I might add. Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I like strawberries. Tom10: [as Marrissa] Also, I have written five episodes of Star Trek: Voyager. Mike12: [as Marrissa] By the end of the chapter I'll most likely be God as well. >> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is >> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...proper officer would already have taken care of this, but I figure I'll just wing it. Crow10: [as Marrissa] First, me. Then, my cat. Then, my teddy bear. Then, Paul Gross. Wouldn't he be the perfect lead for a new "Superman" movie? >> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing >> it will not. Mike14: Huh? Crow08: uhhhhh... Mike08: Try not to think about it. Tom09: Got it? Crow09: Got it. Tom13: Right! Ah... huh? Crow13: Once you've organized it, it's pretty much there, right? Mike13: Pretty much. Crow10: They're going to organize a chain of command quickly, but not let anyone know about it. >> After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and >> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side >> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering. Mike12: In the upper left hand corner of the right side of the bottom half of the wall. Crow07: Then you go left at the third stoplight.... Tom04: [as Crewman] Whoa! Lemme write this down. Tom10: Apparently they've lost their email capabilities in the 24th century. >> I am now also prepared to Tom08: [as Marrissa] Kill anyone who defies me. >> announce your wing commanders. Crow13: [as Marrissa] But I'm not going to actually do it. Ha ha ha ha ha! I love being in command! >> This is based on those tests you all >> took in the past couple days. Crow14: *Some* of which were actual piloting tests. Tom11: [as Marrissa] By the way, Lockard, this says you're pregnant. Mike09: See, and you thought you'd never use that course in Linear Algebra after 9th grade. Crow09: In Marrissa's department, I'll bet most of them are *in* 9th grade. >> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade >> Katherine Lockard, Mike07: Nepotism, boo! Tom07: Hey, how else could Marrissa go so far so fast? >> Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb, >> Green wing, Mike10: Get the feeling Ratliff is saying "Hi" to all his friends here? Tom10: Yup. >> Lieutenant junior grade Tibek, Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor, Mike08: Pink wing, Lieutenant Goo Goo GooJoob. Tom08: Plaid wing, Lieutenant Junior Grade Klaatu Barada Nikto. Crow08: Mauve wing, Nick Danger. >> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat, Crow07: Geez, he's just throwing out random syllables again. >> Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek, Crow09: [Dalek voice] WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE MAQUIS! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! Tom02: Doesn't Dar Davek get to assist? Mike10: These have got to be anagrams, but of what? >> and last but >> not least Mike08: Our special guest star... Tom08: CHARO! Crow08: Ohhhh, I wish.... >> our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis >> Solar. Tom13: Tanis, anyone? Heh heh heh. Crow08: Tanis Lunar couldn't make it, evidently. Mike09: Otherwise known as the "File and Forget" Gang. Crow10: I can get "Saint Raslo" out of that name.... Tom05: Oh, God, why do I have the horrible feeling that we'll hear this roster citation about fifty more times in this fanfic? >> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours, >> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you >> know where it is." Tom14: [as Marrissa] Wandering about aimlessly will not be tolerated. Crow14: Well, *that* was a stirring speech. Mike08: [as Marrissa] Look at a map or something. I don't have time to lead you all around by the noses. Tom08: [as Marrissa] And please bring your briefs this time. Crow08: Heyyyyy! Mike, you'd have given me a time-out for that one. Mike08: I would have, wouldn't I? Crow13: Nothing concludes a briefing quite like some patronizing, eh? >> >> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski Tom08: It just szustakowski that you're gonna have more child officers in a Ratliff story. [chuckles] Mike08: Now for THAT, you get a time-out, mister! Tom08: Awww.... Mike10: [singing to "Good 'n Plenty" jingle] Once upon a time there was an engineer. Kerstin Szustakowski was her name, we hear. Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> was in class when it all >> began on the Roanoke. Mike06: Fortunately for Kerstin, her class was on a planet nowhere near the Roanoke.... Tom13: Anybody notice that Ratliff has a thing for the Roanoke? Mike13: Well, that could be because he's *from* Roanoke. Crow13: Where *is* Roanoke, anyway? Mike13: Well, it's not the middle of nowhere, but you can see it from there. Bots13: OhhhHHHHhhh. Huh?? >> First the ship went to Yellow Alert. Then the >> ship shook and went to Red Alert. Mike08: Then the ship did the Hokey-Pokey and turned itself around. Tom13: Then the ship shook some more and went to Purple Alert. Then the ship shook some more and went to Chartreuse Alert. Then the ship shook some more.... Mike13: We get it, Tom; we get it. >> Finally her teacher collapsed. Tom06: Then the ship exploded? Mike06: No such luck.... Crow08: I know just how she feels. Mike11: Spending any prolonged period of time together with annoying kid genuises does tend to have that effect on people. Crow03: [as if nearing mental breakdown] I give up! I can't remember who's in which wing either! Tom10: She'd gone insane and had been teaching for 97 hours straight without food, drink or rest. Police moved in to free the hostages. Tom09: Structural stress? Mike09: Ah, they just don't build teachers like they used to. Crow13: Class dismissed! [All13 cheer and start throwing paper airplanes and spitballs at each other.] Tom04: Hats off to Ratliff, the master of suspense. Could we have a budding Tom Clancy in our midst? Crow04: The short answer is "no." >> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the >> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative. Mike08: Because nobody else had any lines. Crow02: She's another Marrissa clone, I tell you. Mike10: No, I can't say any class I've ever heard of would ever have trouble with the teacher passing out. Crow09: C'mon, kids, let's PARTY OUR EYEBALLS OUT!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!! >> "Classroom >> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response. Crow08: Sickbay was depressed and didn't feel like speaking to anyone just then. >> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response. "Kerstin to >> Engineering." No Response. "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response. Mike08: Kerstin to Evers. Tom08: Evers here. Mike08: Relay message from Tinker to Chance. Tom08: Roger that. Tinker to Evers to Chance... come in please. >> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids." Crow12: You've *got* to be kidding me. Crow08: Oh, you crazy kids. Tom13: Oh Kids, those crazy kids. Tom09: Oh Kids These Days With The Hair And The Music. >> "Adult crew out of commission due to Crow13: Gaping plot hole. >> unknown compound in >> ventilation," the Computer responded. Mike07: [as computer] But whatever it is, it has a creamy nougat center. Tom03: So, all the adults are conked out but the kids are still awake? Crow03: Heaven help us! Mike03: Kinda like "Village of the Damned"... except it's not any good. Crow11: I don't know about you, but I would have made a gas that would take out everyone except the beautiful blondes instead. >> "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin >> Szustakowski now in command. Crow06: [as computer] And here I thought the situation couldn't get any worse.... Crow09: Isn't it amazing how many forces in the known galaxy will knock out or incapacitate everyone on board as long as they're OVER EIGHTEEN?!? >> Intruder alert, on the Bridge." >> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge Tom10: And open up the bar! >> and >> change all command codes to settings in file Mike13: /dev/null >> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered. Crow13: That's right folks, 400 years later, we're still saddled with UNIX. Tom03: No no no, they've changed the configuration; you need to move it to /home/www/users/kidscrew/operation/codes/kerstin.html. Crow10: It's a good thing they keep their critically sensitive files under directories and names that anyone could guess. Tom06: [as computer] Sorry, those settings have been sent to /dev/null. Crow06: Why couldn't this story have been sent there too? Mike07: [as Kerstin] Oh, and change all the water fountains over to Hawaiian Punch. Mike09: Hey, she was 12 just a few seconds ago! Tom09: Coming soon --- "The Infant's Crew," from Stephen Ratliff. Mike09: Servo, hush! You'll give him ideas. Tom11: Wasn't she 12 a few paragraphs ago? Mike11: I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for a reenactment of "The Master Builders." >> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields." Crow04: Personally, if I was one of those intruders, I'd occupy the ship with soldiers. Tom04: Matter of taste. Crow08: [as Kerstin] And on a more personal note, seal my quarters with whipped cream. >> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's >> response. Crow11: Hey! It prefers to be called "functionally challenged"! Tom10: They never should have put Internet Explorer on their systems. Mike03: Even in the future, nothing works. Mike08: [as computer] Unable to comply. Story has ground to a halt. Crow08: You mean it's started? >> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge. Crow03: [as Kerstin] This fits right in with my fiendishly evil plan. Mwahahahaha. >> "All >> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two. Mike09: [as Kerstin] Condition Red! I forgot my notes, and the social studies test is *TODAY*!! Mike10: Should someone tell Kerstin that she's in Classroom Nine? >> Computer, their is >> decompression problems Tom14: ...in the grammar! Tom07: "Their is problems?" So, the editor had a pretty easy time here, huh? >> on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders >> occupy, lower bulkheads." Crow04: [as computer] Unable to parse due to improper use of possessive case. Please restate using something resembling grammar. Mike04: Majel's getting crotchety. Tom04: Most people her age are content just to crochet. >> "No pressure drop located." Crow14: [as Kerstin] Truuuuuuuust me. Mike11: [as Kerstin] Pretty please with sugar on top? Crow08: You can't have pressure in a vacuum. Mike08: And this story is definitely a vacuum because... Tom08: It just sucks. Tom13: [as Kerstin] No, really, there is a *pressure* *drop*. Crow13: [as computer] I don't see any pressure drop. Tom13: [as Kerstin] Oh, just drop the %$#! bulkheads! Mike13: Wow, how'd you do *that*? Tom13: I don't know, and I think I hurt something. Crow13: [as computer] Could not locate %$#! bulkheads. [normal] Ow. You're right; that *does* hurt. >> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization >> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess." Mike08: You mean even malfunctions have to be authorized? Marrissa IS a control freak! Tom02: What? Kerstin's access code has changed already? Mike02: Well, over the shows, the command crew had different codes each time. Tom02: But they didn't change in one scene! Tom04: [announcer voice] Once a Beta Princess, now a VHS head cleaner. See it all, rendered in spine-tingling detail by Meredith Baxter- Birney! This weekend on NBC! Crow10: I don't know why, but I get the feeling Kerstin is a fan of "Jem and the Holograms." >> "Lowering bulkheads." Tom08: Lowering standards. Tom14: Stretching credulity. Crow14: Upchucking violently. Tom09: [sarcasm sequencer] Oh, yes, even though I'm a computer with over 400 bajillion kiloquads and you're just a snotty preteen decks away from the action, you *obviously* know what's happening so-o-o-o-o much better than me. Of *course* I'll lower the bulkheads, your majesty! Tom12: It's really sad that it took Kerstin till the age of eleven, or twelve, or whatever, to get command of a starship. Doesn't show much ambition.... >> >> The next mornings staff meeting on the Stargazer was held in the >> conference lounge below the bridge at 0800 hours. Mike07: That's Stargazer Central Time. Crow10: What, later in the day the conference lounge would be below main engineering? Tom10: Maybe George Herriman designed this starship. Mike13: Then the bridge collapsed, and all senior staff were horribly crushed. Crow13: And there was much rejoicing. All13: [dully] Yay. >> In attendance were >> Captain T'Gwen Washington, Commander Gusat, and Lieutenant Commander >> Marrissa Picard. The new Chief of Operations, the Cardassian Assist Tom12: His first name is Assist? Must have been a rough time in school. >> Duvet, and the Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Ross Lockard were also >> there. Just arriving was the Doctor and Chief of Security. Tom05: But they're not important enough to give names to. Tom08: The audience had decided to sit this one out. Tom10: Maybe it'd be quicker if you just listed who wasn't there, okay? Tom14: [as ring announcer] ...AND IN THIS CORNER.... >> The half-Vulcan, half human Crow11: [as announcer] All cop! >> Captain began, Crow09: We just can't stress enough that the captain's half-Vulcan, folks. Crow13: What race was the captain again? Mike13: I don't know; Ratliff hasn't mentioned it enough. Tom13: Does it have any bearing on the story whatsoever? Mike13: Probably not. >> "Ladies and >> Gentlemen, Tom14: [as T'Gwen] And, of course, Marrissa --- our Superior Being.... Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I hope you are all aware that I am half Vulcan and half human. I am also half Vulcan as well. My human half is equal in proportion to my Vulcan half. My lineage is delineated into two distinct groups: those of my ancestors who were human; and those who were Vulcan. Vulcans, as you may be aware, are distinct from humans --- as their hemoglobin uses copper as an oxygen-binding metal, rather than iron.... Mike04 [interrupting] Enough! Crow04: Um, okay. >> welcome to the Stargazer, Tom03: [as T'Gwen] We'll be serving drinks at 5 p.m. Crow04: [as T'Gwen] Did I fail to mention that I have a 0.50 Vulcanity coefficient, coupled with a concomitant 0.50 coefficient of Humanity? >> since not all of you have met, we >> will begin with Tom08: Run-on sentences. >> introductions. Mike03: [as T'Gwen] Pair up with a partner, ask your partner about himself, then tell the class all about your partner. Crow03: Not again! Mike11: [as T'Gwen] We will also end with introductions, and I think we'll stick some introductions in the middle. Mike10: [as crewman] Sir? Can't we just read the exposition up above? >> Please tell us your name, and your duty >> assignments. Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Because I can't remember for the life of me where I placed you. Mike12: [as T'Gwen] ...And one special thing about yourself. Tom10: [as T'Gwen] ...And what's your favorite cliche? Mike02: Just in case no-one was paying attention to the first part of the fanfic, Ratliff will force on us everyone's name, position and favorite sleeping place. Crow02: That's a pretty safe assumption, Mike. Crow13: Just what we need, yet *another* Ratliff introduction scene. Mike13: You could probably compile them all together to make one big story. Tom13: Oh, don't, that thought makes my capacitors overload. >> I am T'Gwen Washington, Captain. My job is commanding >> officer." Mike06: [sarcastically] Ohhhhhh... that's an unusual duty for a captain. Tom04: Fancy that. Mike08: If they don't know THAT by now.... Mike05: Hmm, somehow I think most of the crew might have guessed her job description.... Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I am also skilled in needlepoint. Vulcan needlepoint, you see, is quite different from.... Mike04: Enough! >> She gestured to her right. Crow13: Unfortunately, that was an extremely rude gesture in Cardassian society, and a bloody war began. Tom06: [as crew member to Washington's right] Yeah, up yours too, Captain! Mike03: Hey, look! Feminine pronouns! That *proves* T'Gwen's a woman. Crow03: I still think T'Gwen's a group entity. Mike09: Hang on, fellas, here comes a whole bunch of full names and titles. [All09 sigh.] >> A Cardassian spoke up, "I am Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> Glinn. I am the First >> Officer." Crow06: [as Gusat] I am the Eggman. Goo Goo Goo Joob. Mike06: [as Gusat] I am a rock. I am an island. Tom08: I am Servo, Tom. I am embarrassed to be involved with this story. >> Next to him, another Cardassian spoke up, "Duvek, Assist Glinn, >> Chief of Operations." Mike11: Isn't that the job of the medical officer? Tom06: [as Duvek] I'm in charge of that wacky doctor game with the light-up nose. Crow07: Wait, his first name is "Assist"? Mike08: [as Duvek] I assisted Glinn LAST week. Tom10: [as Duvek] By the way, on my previous postings I was allowed to bring my blanky with me while on duty; may I... uh... well, we can talk about it after the meeting, I imagine... uh.... >> Beside him was yet another Cardassian, "Assist Gavek, Chief of >> Security." Mike06: [as Gavek] I own a mansion and a yacht. Tom05: [announcer voice] Will the real Cardassian officer please stand up? Tom07: Must be a popular first name. Crow08: [as Cardassian] Gowan, Goofball. Chief in charge of making up silly Cardassian ranks. >> Beginning down the other side was a brown haired man, who >> stated. "Ross Lockard, Lieutenant, Chief Tactical Officer." Mike08: [as Ross] ...And chief in charge of oily handsomeness. >> Next was a man in medical attire with straw-like hair. Crow04: Several people were sucking fluid from his head. Mike04 & Tom04: [clear throats loudly] Crow04: Come on! I was only talking about the neural peptide cake thing. Tom06: "Medical attire"? What does *that* mean? Is he wearing Doc Martens? Crow06: [as man with straw-like hair] Hi, I'm Dr. Scarecrow! Tom08: Lieutenant Commander Scarecrow. Chief in charge of Mrs. King. Mike08: Wow, a mixed ref! Crow09: [singing, Ray Bolger] If I only had a brain.... >> "Lieutenant Commander Jackson Johnson, Chief Medical Officer," he >> drawled. Crow06: [as Johnson] Or is it Johnson Jackson? I can never get that straight. Crow07: Joe Jackson Johnson Jones, Junior. Crow08: Saaaay, does that make him... Doc Johnson? Mike08: No, no, no, a thousand times no! Mike13: [as bureaucrat] Last name? Tom13: Johnson. Mike13: First name? Tom13: Jackson. Mike13: [tears up form] Let's try that again. Pay attention, please. *Last* name? Tom13: *Johnson*. Mike13: *First* name? Tom13: *Jackson*. Mike13: Look, son, if you're not going to take this seriously, we'll just boot you out of Starfleet. >> And last but certainly not least was the blond girl on the left >> of the Captain. She recited. Mike06: Uh oh. Here it comes.... Mike05: [as Marrissa, reciting] *Ahem* Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote, The droght of March hath perced to the roote.... >> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, >> Lieutenant Commander, Second Officer, Fighter Commander. Crow05: [as Marrissa] But, of course, I don't like titles.... Crow08: [as Marrissa] Goddess of silly plot points. Mike08: [as Marrissa] Ruler of everything. Crow12: [as Marrissa] I kill things. Crow09: Duke of Westchester, Defender of the Commonwealth... Tom09: Director of Internal Intelligence, Chief of State Security... Mike09: Producer, director, writer, chief of network programming.... >> Shall I go on Tom08: No, that will be *quite* enough! >> to my duties that do not pertain to this ship?" All06: NO!!! All12: NO!!! All11: No, NO, *NOOOOOO*!!!! Mike14: [as Marrissa] ...or else...! Tom09: Sure, they've got *oodles* of spare on-duty time. Mike08: Of course! It's been a full five minutes since Marrissa last ran her record. Tom13: Oh, by all means, we never get enough of it! [softly] Oh, it hurts.... >> "Go ahead, I'd like to know what else you have to do," Gusat >> responded. All13: Noooo! You don't know what you're doing! Tom11: For pity's sake, somebody stop her! All11: [continue wailing and sobbing] Crow06: Yes, please finish your introduction, the author just won't be happy until *all* the titles get rattled off.... Tom06: Again! Mike06: Oh, but keep in mind that Marrissa *hates* every single one of them. Crow10: [as Gusat] How come the other officers are waving their arms, and why is Lockard mouthing, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here?" Crow09: [as Marrissa] I like you, Gusat! I'll kill you last. >> "Coordinating Officer of the Kid's Crew program, All14: [as Cardassians] So *you're* the one responsible for that! All08: [as Stargazer crew] Oh, so *you're* to blame! >> Heir to the >> throne of Essex," Marrissa finished. Tom12: [falsetto] Holder of the Holy Chalice of Tron, Keeper of the Sacred Vitamin Pills, and Eventual Ruler of the Universe. Tom13: [bored] Duchess of Erat; Keeper of the Five Treasures of Regel; the Dark Lord, Forger of the One Ring; Supreme Queen of the Universe. [As Marrissa recites her titles, smoke and sparks fly out of Mike11 and Tom11. Then they become still.] >> "I have just found us a Chief Engineer, Mike14: [as T'Gwen] ...Under a pile of dirty laundry in my closet. Crow12: [as T'Gwen] ...I found her in the Sears Catalog. >> Lieutenant Virginia >> Szustakowski. She will be joining us in the zone," Mike06: The Twilight Zone. >> Captain Washington >> concluded. Crow10: [as sports announcer] Virginia recovers the ball, laterals to line backer Szutakowski, who's been in the zone all day, she's going, going all the way, yes! It's a touchdown! >> "Bridge to Captain Washington," Katherine Lockard interrupted. Mike13: [as T'Gwen] I told you never to call me here! >> "Go ahead Lieutenant," Washington replied. >> "A priority one signal has come in from Captain George Siena Tom13: Brother of Burnt Sienna. Tom10: [as Bob Ross] Now, for the trees in this painting we'll want to use a nice, light george siena for the bark, with bits of shading that we'll add afterward. >> of >> the Fearless," Lieutenant Katherine Lockard announced. Crow14: [as Katherine] He sounds really scared, sir. Mike10: Ah, I see the U.S.S. Nepotism is flying well, though. >> "Request for Crow08: ...Permission to get the story moving. >> immediate assistance. Captain Sisko has asked if we can handle it, since Mike10: [as Katherine] ...He's hung over again today. >> Commander Worf has the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant." Tom12: You know, doing *stuff*. Mike02: Although no one knows why. It was as if he was sent away just to get him out of the way. Tom02: Yeah, weird that. Crow08 So he's out of the story. Tom08: Lucky devil. Crow09: He and Dax are joining the Million Parsec Club. Mike09: Oh, and thanks so much for *that* little image. Mike13: [bored monotone] Are there any other ships in the quadrant? Crow13: [same] No, you are the only one. >> "Inform Sisko that we will be underway as soon as he gives us >> clearance," Captain Washington replied, standing up. Tom06: [as Sisko] Is Marrissa aboard? Great! Get outta here!!! Tom04: Unfortunately, the message got garbled and he sent Clarence Thomas instead.... >> >> From the stairs to the deck below, the Command crew of the USS >> Stargazer emerged onto the bridge. Mike10: "Rhoda! We're coming up!" >> Lieutenant Katherine Lockard >> relinquished the Command chair to Captain T'Gwen Washington as the rest >> of the Command crew filed in. She took over the helm from some junior >> officer. Mike04: Ensign Throwaway, perhaps? Tom05: Ensign Throwaway, no doubt.... Crow10: [as nameless junior officer] Ah, I'm getting up, you don't have to throw me out the dooooooo.... Tom13: Ever notice that you're worth nothing if you're a junior officer above the age of 18 in a Ratliff story? Mike13: Why no, Tom, nobody's *ever* noticed that before. Tom13: [incoherent mumbling] >> Glinn Gusat took his seat beside the Captain. Tom08: Since she had warned him repeatedly about sitting in her lap. >> Duvek relieved >> his second, All08: \ All14: - Ewwww! All09: / Crow09: I am definitely *not* cleaning THAT up!! >> Lieutenant Lavelle Tom08: PATTY Lavelle? Mike08: You mean Patty LaBelle. Tom08: *sigh* >> and Lieutenant Lockard and Assist Gavek Crow08: [as Bert Lahr] And lions and tigers and bears! Tom08: Oh, my! >> both took up tactical as Lockard was helping Gavek learn the system. Mike10: [as Lockard] It's called "Balloon Help." Don't be too proud to open it, it's really useful. Crow11: Errr... isn't he supposed to have done that *before* they go on a dangerous mission? Mike08: [as Lockard] Okay, Gavek, the system is this: Don't get in Marrissa's way. Get it? >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat down at the Fighter Commander >> console. Tom13: So... she's a Lieutenant Commander? Mike13: Looks that way. Crow07: So, is everyone's position clear, now? >> "Ops, do we have clearance?" Captain Washington asked. All06: \ All08: - [All do various versions of the "Airplane" sketch.] All09: / All14:/ >> "Clearance from Deep Space Nine has been logged," Duvek replied. Mike04: [as Duvek] Oh, man --- another clear-cut? I thought this area had been declared a Spotted Slime Devil refuge. >> "CONN?" Crow06: [as Mr. B Natural] At your service! Crow11: Yes, it's a scam. Mike09: [as Duvek] No, I think they're sincere about it. Tom03: [as Duvek] Yes, we were conned into joining this --- oh, wait, that's not what you meant, heh heh.... Mike07: Conventio-Conn-Expo-Fest-O-Rama? >> "Departure course laid in and awaiting your command," Katherine >> Lockard replied. Mike13: 10 GOTO 10 Crow13: What the heck was that? Mike13: BASIC. Crow13: BASIC?! You ever heard of BASIC, Servo? Tom13: Nope, that's a new one on me. Tom12: Wouldn't it be great if they had an episode where Lockard goes postal. They could call it, "The Wrath of CONN." Mike12 and Crow12: [*GROAN!*] >> "Release Docking clamps, forward and aft thrusters to station >> keeping. Tom10: They need their thrusters to go nowhere, just in case physics stops working all of a sudden. Mike10: Well, that's a fair chance, actually. >> Port thrusters to one quarter," T'Gwen Washington ordered. Tom13: [as Lockard] Sorry, sir, all I've got is a dollar. Anybody got change? >> "Take us out, Lieutenant." Crow09: [as Lockard] Sure thing. I've got two tickets to go see "Mars Attacks" at the Mall Cineplex Six. Will that do? Tom06: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking departure scene! Mike08: No matter how many times someone repeats that scene, it never fails to fail to have an effect on me. Crow11: [as Lockard] But I thought we were going to "take out" the Maquis, Sir. >> >> Stargazer pulled away from lower pylon two of Deep Space Nine. Tom13: Stargazer looked into Deep Space Nine's eyes. They met briefly, kissed, then it was over. Mike13: [sniffling] Tom, that was beautiful. >> Sliding sideways she cleared the port and then pulled out of Deep Space >> Nine away from the wormhole. Crow11: Right now I am *not* thinking of spaceships. Crow13: "Pull out? Doesn't sound manly to me." Mike13: CROW!! Crow13: What? It's another quote! Mike13: Well, don't you know any *clean* ones? >> >> "Now clear of Deep Space Nine," Kathy announced. Crow08: And Deep Space Nine couldn't be happier. >> "Captain Sisko sends his best wishes," Assist Glinn Duvek >> informed. Mike13: And hugs and kisses, too! Tom08: [as Duvek] And a therapy bill. Evidently, Marrissa violated her court order to stay a hundred meters away from Jake. >> "Thank him for me. CONN course, Crow05: ...is Mr. B Natural's recommended method for learning how to play a fine quality Conn trumpet, tuba or french horn. >> one five two, mark six two," All09: Hike! Crow14: Ah, more of those meaningful Trek navi-babble numbers. Tom10: [as T'Gwen] No, wait, I mean four one nine, mark three three... no, hang on, that should be seven two, mark four one five five... aw, just take the Expressway until you see the signs for Atlantic City. >> Captain Washington ordered. "Warp eight, it's time we see what this >> ship can do. Mike10: Well, let's hope it's warp eight, then. Crow13: Well, it can go forward, and backwards, and up, and down.... >> Commander Picard, have two wings ready to take off on a >> moment's notice." Crow11: The rest of the fighter can stay where it is. Tom10: [falsetto] But then we'll all crash and die... oh... never mind. Space. I forgot. Crow08: [falsetto] Errr, Captain... the wings just FELL off. >> "Blue and Black wings Mike06: Otherwise known as the Bruisers. >> will be ready in five minutes," Marrissa >> replied. Mike10: [as Marrissa] I have to beat them up first. Tom08: [as Marrissa] Buffalo wings will take fifteen to twenty minutes. >> "Please note that in the future I intend to cut that time to >> two minutes." Crow02: [as Marrissa] Or I will have their heads! HAHAHAHA! Mike13: Shouldn't she use Kobayashi Maru logic here and try for, oh, say, 24 minutes? >> "So noted," Captain Washington said. Crow10: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, and what am I supposed to do with this bit of trivia? Tom07: That's his idea of a good place to end a chapter? Tom13: And, on that *gripping* cliffhanger, Ratliff ends the chapter. Tom09: [as Yul] So let it be written, so let it be done! Bring me this man they call "Ratliff"! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. Mike08: How appropriate. Mike06: Hmm... do you think Ratliff's trying to send us a message here? Crow13: Think this quote is aimed as us? Mike13: Naaah, I can't imagine Ratliff being that subtle. It's gotta be a coincidence. Crow04: "I said to old Napoleon. 'Boney,' I said---" - The Doctor, "The Time Warrior" [cut to commercials] From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 3/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142404@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256833162 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 3/6 =============================== [return from commercials] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 4 Tom04: Whoa! It's spelled properly! What gives? Crow11: [robotic monotone] Does not compute! [Crow11's head spins madly] Marqui ... Maqui* ... Maquis.... [high pitched monotone] Faulty... must analyze ... AN...AL...YZZZZZE.... [Crow11's head explodes most impressively.] >> Date: 24 Sep 1996 14:01:43 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 66 >> Message-ID: <528pk7$2...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> >> Chapter Three Tom07: "Premier Marqui Must Die!" Heh, heh. >> >> The Maquis did not expect any resistance from the Roanoke, Crow06: She had a reputation for sleeping with *anyone* after three drinks. >> after >> all they had a drug that caused instant loss of consciousness in the >> adults they had tested it on. Tom06: ...and delayed loss of life in the kids they tested it on? Mike06: We wish. Crow09: Y'know, since this is Marrissa's universe and they're just living in it, you'd think they'd try to find something that could incapacitate everyone --- INCLUDING THE MINORS!!! Tom13: Guys, is there *any* known substance that will take down a person in their prime but won't affect *children*? Crow13: Ratliff stories? Tom13: Granted, but I don't think that's what he had in mind. >> However almost as soon as they arrived >> the bulkheads went down, trapping them on the Bridge and Engineering. Mike10: And what would an invasion force want from *those* places? >> Kerstin and her Kid's crew had destroyed their ship. Mike09: Off-screen, of course. Mike13: Another gripping Ratliff action sequence. Crow03: Hang on here, when did this happen? Tom03: Must have been those "affairs of state" a while back. Tom09: How'd they destroy a ship from a classroom? Crow09: Easy --- they just treated it like a substitute teacher. >> They couldn't >> access the Computer. Tom10: Have you tried talking at random to the open air? That usually works on starships. Crow14: [as computer] The Computer is your friend.... >> They did manage to sabotage the ship's engines by >> manually removing key computer components, but that was all they could >> do. Mike08: Losers. Mike10: They must have failed their Evil classes. Tom05: Huh? Is it just me, or do you guys have no idea who destroyed whose ship, and which people are ripping out computer components at the moment? >> Kerstin Szustakowski had their number, Crow12: She'd looked it up in the Federation Yellow Pages. >> and was about to call it. Crow13: And order them 500 pizzas! Ha ha ha... I just love that prank. All07: 42! Mike06: What, the Maquis have a cell phone now? Crow06: Number 267, your order is up. Crow04: Number nine... number nine... number nine.... Tom09: [as announcer] Call a professional Maquis at 1-800-555-REBS and get a FREE sample terrorist action. Crow09: Don't be fooled by imitation Maquis! Mike09: My Maquis told me that they were going to hijack a Federation starship, and he was right! How did he know that? I'm convinced! Mike10: [singing "Good 'n' Plenty" jingle again] She had an engine and she sure had fun. She used Kerstin Szustakowski to make her train run. Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> As soon as reinforcements arrived that is. Mike10: [as Kerstin] Oh, wait, we'll be vanquishing you in a minute... hang on, wait, we're not quite organized yet.... Look, could two of you just play dead for a while and then we can kill you? >> Two dozen children versus two >> scores of Maquis, that just wasn't odds that Kerstin liked. Tom12: It was hardly fair for the Maquis. Crow02: [falsetto] Those Maquis have no chance! Mike10: She'd have to off about ten of the kids first. Mike09: Haha, puny mortal! Marrissa could take them all single-handedly! Tom14: Once the Maquis sent several thousand reinforcements, *then* the odds would be more equal, and the challenge more worthy. Tom13: In a Ratliff story, I'd bet 20-1 *against* the trained fighters. Tom06: After all, if you want to be remembered as a martyr, you have to go down in a blaze of glory against a *REALLY* overwhelming force. Mike08: I see we're back to measuring in "score." Mike04: Ratliff should have made it *four* scores of Maquis --- then he could misappropriate even more words from American history. Crow08: Four score and seven beers ago.... >> >> "Someone has stolen Captain Seina's ship," Crow14: [in nursery rhyme meter] ...And he doesn't know where to find it. >> Washington stated >> before her assembled bridge crew. Tom04: [as T'Gwen] And maliciously, wantonly changed the spelling of his surname! Their evil knows no bounds! >> "Excuse me Captain, did you say stole?" Lieutenant Ross Lockard >> asked, shocked. Mike12: [as T'Gwen] No, I said "stolen." Mike13: [as T'Gwen] No, I said "stolen." Pay attention, please. Crow06: [as Lockard] A stole... that's what this uniform needs. Tom08: [as Lockard] Are you sure he remembers where he parked it? >> "You don't steal a starship ... Tom06: [as Lockard] That's against the Eighth Commandment! >> we haven't had one >> stolen since Kirk stole the Enterprise." Tom02: Which, I guess... means you *can* steal a starship. Tom13: And what a fine example to Starfleet *that* was. Mike14: Another Trek reference dragged kicking and screaming into the Ratliverse. Crow07: [as Ratliff] Obligatory reference to Classic Trek: Taken care of. Crow09: That's when they started putting those little electronic detector tags on all Federation starships. Tom09: They might try what Kirk did --- smuggling it out under their toupees. Mike08: Hmmmm. Crow08: Go ahead and say it, fanboy. Mike08: All I was gonna say was that I just don't remember that. Is it something I should know about? Tom08: Oh, c'mon, Mike. "Star Trek III"? Kirk can't get a ship to go back to the Genesis planet? Crow08: McCoy tries to relive the "Star Wars" Cantina scene...? Tom08: Uhura kicks ass...? Mike08: And you call ME a fanboy. Tom10: Well, there was also the one with the Binars, when they stole the Enterprise. Crow10: And when Data stole the Enterprise to see Dr. Soong. Mike10: And when Moriarty stole control to make the ship shudder slightly.... Mike04: If there's any TNG episode that would get Ratliff off even better than "Disaster," it would have to be "Rascals." Could it be he hasn't even seen it? Mike03: Ratliff can't even remember his own stories. Does the name "Time Speeder" ring a bell? Bots03: "TIME SPEEDER"?!?! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! [Tom03 and Crow03 explode, taking out Mike03 in the process.] [Cambot briefly flashes the following message on the bottom of the screen: ] [ Replicants destroyed: 12 ] [ Replicants remaining: 33 ] [ Fanfic status: 37% complete ] >> "Captain Seina believes the Maquis commandeered his vessel," Mike06: [announcer voice] That's why Starfleet Command recommends that you *always* use the Club! Crow08: He doesn't really blame them; after all, that sort of thing *is* their job ... and things HAVE been moving along *really slowly*. >> Washington replied. "He also suspects his Doctor, who he left in >> command, has something to do with it." Crow13: Never trust anyone with a hypospray. Mike09: It's all because of those darned HMO's. Tom06: But actually it was Colonel Mustard in the library with a lead pipe. Tom10: [as T'Gwen] Of course, Captain Siena believes the Maquis are responsible for the cancellation of "The Bonnie Hunt Show," and suspects his Doctor has been putting fluorides in the water to make everyone become a Democrat. >> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat responded. Mike08: Two words from the previous sentence do NOT belong in a Ratliff story. >> "After all someone had to >> arrange for the right people to come aboard." Tom08: Julie, the cruise director? Crow06: Yeah, there's just *no way* they could have forced their way onto the ship by themselves and gassed the crew or something, right? >> "The ship's Chief Medical Officer, even one with his commander's >> pips doesn't have that much power," Doctor Johnson observed. Tom06: Scotty, I've got to have more power!!! Tom14: [as Johnson] I should know. I once tried it, you see, and... um... heh. >> "Someone >> else must have been involved." Mike08: Men in Black! Mike10: Richard Jewell! Crow13: John_-_Winston! Tom13: Alexander Abian! Mike13: Robert McElwaine! All13: TORGO! Tom13: ThE mAsTEr wOulD NoT iNvoLve hImSeLf iN a LamE FaNFiC. >> "Agreed, Doctor," T'Gwen Washington responded. "But I'm afraid >> we may never find out who. Crow14: [as T'Gwen] ...At least not until the next plot device. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] The Warren Commission sealed all the files. >> Admiral Ellis has imposed a gag order. Crpw07: [as T'Gwen] In fact, I --- mmrf! Tom08: Well, that explains it. This whole story is a gag. Mike10: Ellis must be the Starfleet Operations' Traitor-in-Chief. Mike13: Shouldn't that be "Yllis," just to keep consistent with Ratliff names? >> We >> may search for the Fearless, but no one is to speak of suspected Crow08: ...continuity problems. >> reasons >> for her disappearance." Crow10: [as T'Gwen] Therefore, I am going to be giving all my orders in mime. Crow05: [as T'Gwen] This investigation will be conducted strictly in sign language. Ensign Keller will coordinate. Mike06: Can *you* spot the co-conspirator in this paragraph? I knew you could. Tom06: What was your first clue, Mike? Starfleet Command suddenly adopting the information dissemination methods of the Kremlin? Crow06: *Never* talk about what goes on in this family to outsiders! >> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat commented. All14: It does?! Tom08: Gusat must be reading something else. Mike02: You can just tell, if there was ever a Glinn Gusat doll, all it would say is: "Makes sense." Bots02: Makes sense. >> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied. "It >> makes very little for me." Mike13: Funny, I was just about to say that about this story. Tom06: For once, Marrissa speaks for the audience. Mike06: [as Marrissa] Starfleet Crisis Management was never my best subject. Could you tutor me, Glinn? >> >> Kerstin Szustakowski had just reached Admiral Ellis. Mike10: That's the toughest level of "Doom." Crow14: Long arms for a little girl. >> Apparently >> an urgent call from the Captain of a Kid's Crew was not urgent to the >> Admiral. Mike08: And this should get that Admiral killed. Mike09: Just her luck, she got hold of the one person in Starfleet with his priorities straight. >> "What is it? I've got Personnel Review Forms to finish," the >> Admiral snapped. Tom08: Oh, yeah. He's doomed. Tom13: [as Ellis] ...And I'm doing my nails! Tom10: The Admiral leads a petty, futile, and empty life. >> "I need immediate assistance," Kerstin stated. "I've got forty Crow08: [as Kerstin] ...Pizzas here, and I didn't order any of them. >> Maquis Officers on board occupying my bridge, Mike10: They're demanding student votes on the University Board of Governors! It's chaos! >> all the adults are Mike08: [as Kerstin] ...Adults --- and therefore useless! >> unconscious and I just Tom13: [as Kerstin] Wet myself. >> have two dozen untrained children at my >> disposal." Mike12: [as Ellis] So what's your problem? You should be able to conquer a planet with that. Crow13: [as Ellis] So what? You're in a Ratliff story. You should have annihilated the entire Romulan Empire by now. >> "And you are?" Ellis said with contempt. Mike04: Untrained also, yes. Tom06: [as Ellis] And I should care about all of this because...? Mike06: Starfleet Command obviously has more important things to worry about than starships.... >> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Captain, Kid's Crew USS Roanoke," she >> replied. "When can I expect assistance?" Crow06: [as Ellis] Umm, let's see.... Is "When hell freezes over" a good time? Tom10: When you outgrow writing "She-Ra, Princess Of Power" fanfics, dear. >> "What assistance," Ellis sneered. "You aren't worth the >> trouble. Ellis out." Bots04: [make muted trumpet "Wah wah."] Mike04: Typical Starfleet admiral. Crow07: [as Joe Don] Buzz off, kid. All02: YAY! Crow02: My hero. Crow06: [narrator voice] Watch as Admiral Ellis demonstrates the "hands off" management technique. Tom06: I applaud the sentiment, but still... that's a perfectly good starship he's throwing away. No wait, he's helping the Maquis to take it. Carry on, Admiral! Tom09: Yeah, but now he's marked for elimination because he's defied the will of someone in the Kids' Crew. Mike09: Marrissa should add "Don of Dons" to her collection of titles. Mike14: Well guys, think Ratliff's being too subtle here? Crow14: Nope. Tom14: Not a bit. Crow12: Remember, children. "All authority figures are idiots." >> >> Kerstin wasn't happy with the latest development. Crow06: [as Kerstin] I'll *never* go to *that* photo shop again! Mike08: And the audience was a bit upset, too. >> She'd done >> just like the manual said. Crow09: She even added the vanilla *after* the egg whites. >> But the Bastard Crow09: Kerstin! Tom09: Stephen! Tom07: Parental Advisory: Explicit Capitalization. >> wouldn't help her as the >> regulations required. Tom08: Well, of course it wouldn't. It's just a John Jakes book. Crow08: I'd rather be reading a John Jakes book right now. Tom06: Aren't corrupt Starfleet admirals funny that way? Tom10: Kerstin therefore went to the kitchen and made a gallon of hot cocoa with mini-marshmallows. >> Fortunately, Kerstin followed the advice of her >> Kid's Crew supervising officer, always have a back up plan. Mike10: [as Kerstin] I could call Mommy... oh, wait.... >> In fact she >> was about to contact that very officer. Mike08: Co-dependent that she was.... Tom12: Oh, just let me guess.... Crow13: Could that be, oh, hmmmm, MARRISSA?!?! Mike13: Deus ex Marrissa. Tom13: Predictability, thy name is Ratliff. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. Crow04: What if the name was "Ratliff"? Tom09: Doesn't the doctor have a name *yet*?!? Mike09: When you're the best-defined and most likable character on the show, you don't *need* a name. Tom09: When you're the best-defined and most likable character on the show, and you're a *hologram*, you need a new agent. >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis part 5 - New >> Date: 1 Oct 1996 14:21:41 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 85 >> Message-ID: <52r9dl$r...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Mike13: [holding an envelope to his head] The first three signs of the apocalypse.... >> The Marrissa Stories >> Premier Maquis* >> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> >> *other parts had Marqui, due to my spell checker insisting that that was >> the correct spelling. Crow09: [as computer] "Marqui" izz sppelt kurriktaly. Du yoo whish tue chekk tha rezt uv yore doccyumont (Yiz/Kno)? >> Marqui is a noble rank. Maquis is a resistance >> movement. Mike05: Marquis Grissom is a center fielder. Tom09: Marcos is a dictator. Mike09: Mac IIe is obsolete. Crow09: McKean is Lenny, not Squiggy. Tom05: Think he'll get it right by the end of the story, guys? Crow05: Nah.... Tom07: So, he's going to stick to this spelling now? Crow07: Don't count on it. Mike08: Ratliff? Learning? Crow08: Say it ain't so! Tom08: He's finally worked up the courage to defy his computer. Way to go, Stephen! >> >> Part 5 >> other parts available by request or on the web at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html Crow07: Or, for the same effect, why not jab a fork into your eye? >> >> Chapter Four Tom12: Revenge of the Nerds. Tom07: Your Sister is a Werewolf. Mike08: I figured we'd be in Chapter XI by now. >> >> "Commander Picard, urgent communication for you from Kerstin >> Szustakowski, USS Roanoke," Assist Glinn Duvek said from Operations. Mike13: [as Duvek] Sz...Suz...Sooza... geez, you say *Cardassian* names are weird! Mike08: [as Marrissa] Probably trying to borrow money again. Mike10: [as Duvek] It reads: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" >> "I'll take it in the Observation Lounge," Marrissa Picard >> replied, Mike13: She has a fondness for stargazing while urgent messages come her way. >> then remembering that she had been left in command, Tom13: Oh, yeah, like she'd forget something like *that*! That's like saying "Rush Limbaugh, remembering that he hated Clinton...." >> she >> continued. Crow12: [as Marrissa] Forget that. Let's go take over a planet. Tom10: I hear Clinton was trying to read that sentence when he tore up his knee. >> "You have the Bridge Duvek." Tom05: So who has the Whist Duvek and the Blackjack Duvek? Crow13: Who's "Bridge Duvek"? Mike13: I dunno, but he must not be important. Tom13: How can you tell? Mike13: He doesn't have a rank or title. Crow10: [falsetto] I'll take the Living Room Duvek, and we can have the Mercer boy sleep on the Rec Room Duvek downstairs, it's comfortable enough. >> She got up out of her station >> above the stairs and walked around to and down the stairs. Mike12: First she stepped on the first step with her right foot. Then she stepped on the second step with her left foot.... Tom13: Why is it that Ratliff can describe in detail how someone gets from point A to point B, but he can't describe an action scene? >> Duvek >> meanwhile took to the command chair Mike06: ...Like a duck to water. >> as Lieutenant Lavelle replaced him >> at Ops. Crow07: He's obsessed with people's positions. Tom12: It's a Chinese Fire Drill. Tom08: Well, as long as we're replacing people, Mike, can you watch my spot for awhile. Mike08: Sure, but I'll need Crow to cover me. How 'bout it. Crow08: Well, all right. Just this once. If Tom will spell me over here. Tom08: Any time, old buddy. [Mike08 and Bots08 switch seats.] >> >> Minutes later Captain Washington entered the bridge. "Where is >> Lieutenant Commander Picard?" she asked. Tom06: [as computer] Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard is no longer on board the Stargazer. Her last known location was inside Airlock #6 with the outer door opening to vacuum. Crow06: [as crewmember] She's forcing the fighter pilots to build a monument in her honor in the fighter bay. Mike09: [as T'Gwen] Did she leave?!? Are we free?!?!? Mike14: [as Duvek] She muttered something about going AWOL and daring anyone to stop her. Why do you ask? Mike10: [as Duvek] We buried her behind the wall. Was that wrong? Crow12: [as Duvek] Sorry, sir. We had to have her put to sleep. >> "The Commander had a call from a Kerstin Szustakowski, acting >> Captain USS Roanoke," Duvek said as he returned to his station. Mike07: [as Duvek] She wanted to know if Marrissa likes some guy. >> "Kerstin Szustakowski?" T'Gwen Washington mused. "Kid's crew in >> command, again. Mike06: I know.... *We've* gotten sick of it too. Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Must be time for their monthly coup. Tom10: [as T'Gwen] They're the most screwed up starship in the fleet. Crow12: [as T'Gwen] Damn, we must be trapped in another Ratliff story! Tom13: C'mon, you're a Vulcan. You should have figured the odds at about 8,762,984 to 1 that the kids would be in control yet again. >> Can't Captain Mary Szustakowski keep her children out of >> the command chair?" Mike14: Yeah! Tom14: You said it! Mike13: Yes, but this author guy keeps overriding her. Mike09: [as T'Gwen] They get grape jelly stains all over it and everything, ick! >> "Careful Captain," Katherine Lockard said from the helm. Crow06: [as Lockard] After all ... you remember what happened to the *last* captain who made a remark like that.... >> "I'm >> one of those children." Crow14: [nerdy voice] I'll hurt you! Crow08: [as Mel Brooks] Don't correct the Captain, you twit! >> "No offense intended, Lieutenant," the Captain apologized. Crow12: She must be talking about the Raiders. Tom06: [as T'Gwen] Don't hurt me... I'll be good, I swear! Tom02: [as T'Gwen] Although why I'm apologizing, since I'm the Captain, talking mostly to myself, and being eavesdropped on by a mere Lieutenant, I don't know. Crow10: You can tell Washington is half-Vulcan because her humor has that undercurrent of razor-sharp analysis. >> "None taken, Captain," Kathy replied. "I know Mom has spent a >> lot of time out of the chair in the past couple years, Tom10: Uh, this is all fascinating, but don't they have a plot to get to? >> most of the time >> with one of my little sisters taking her place. Tom09: So Starfleet is a matriarchy, then? Mike09: Yeah, pretty much. >> It seems some Star >> Fleet Admirals have found a little trick that allows him to send a >> Captain Szustakowski even when Mom gets herself injured." Tom07: Jim Henson's Szustakowski Babies. Tom12: [as Katherine] Mom is such a klutz! Mike10: [as Katherine] So far she's been injured 27 times this year. We think it's some kind of plea for help. Crow14: Mike, why are all Starfleet admirals dumber than bricks? Tom13: And we wonder why overpopulation is such a problem. Sheesh... these people have so many children that *rabbits* start saying "Can't you guys just take cold showers?" >> "I wish I hadn't told Admiral Okie of that little trick," >> Marrissa Picard said, emerging from the stairs. Mike12: She came out of the stairs? What is this, the Munsters? Tom09: Marrissa Amber Flores Picard IS "The Starfleeter Under the Stairs." >> "At the time it seemed >> like the only way to stop that war in the Naklab system though." Tom06: [as Marrissa] ...And another way to put *ME* in charge, do you hear?! ME, ME, *ME*!!! Ah hahahahahahahahaha!!!! Mike07: Whoops! Backwards masking. Tom13: Naklab --- home of Tnouc Alucard. Crow13: In what is present-day Ainamor. Mike13: How do you guys pronounce all that stuff? Crow13: We're robots, remember? Tom08: More Ratliff Junior Jumble, everyone! Mike08 and Crow08: [ragged cheering] >> "Hey, my sisters aren't objecting," Katherine responded. Crow12: That's what I heard. Mike12: Crow! Crow12: What? Mike12: These are children! Crow12: Oh, right, I forgot. Sorry. >> "After >> all, Hope has a treaty and Kerstin has two to her names." Tom12: One for each. Tom02: How many names does she have? Tom07: How many names does she have? Crow13: She has two names? Mike13: Yeah --- "Yo!" and "Hey, Stupid!" Crow08: So in the 24th century, you're basically born with a resume. Mike06: Oh great, two little girls who graduated from the Marrissa School of Diplomacy. What do they do, dangle delegates from both sides over a vat of acid and lower them slowly until they agree to a compromise? Tom06: Diplomacy has apparently become a game for children 8 and up.... Mike09: I keep wondering, when was the last time anyone over 16 did anything noteworthy in Stephen's universe? Mike14: [as Marrissa] It's a good start, but I had *five* treaties when I was their age. They'll *always* be inferior to me. >> "Yeah but diplomacy makes dealing with Maquis taking over your >> ship positively look easy," Picard replied. Crow10: Yeah, with diplomacy all you have to do is shoot at people until they declare peace. Now with the Maquis, you have to... uh.... >> "Until you get them >> confined that is. Mike06: [as Marrissa] Once you get them trapped, it's a *lot* more difficult. Until then, it's easy! Mike05: And Stephen Ratliff once again demonstrates that his grasp of international diplomacy is equal to his command of the English language.... Tom05: Do you get the feeling that Ratliff has written to Boris Yeltsin and Bill Clinton advocating the "Ratliff Diplomatic Method" as the solution to all the world's problems? "Just lock them in a room and beat them up. Problem solved!" >> Now poor Kerstin is having trouble getting help. Mike13: [as Marrissa] We *told* her not to install Windows 95. >> Admiral Ellis just refused to send any." >> "He did?" Washington stated. Crow06: [as T'Gwen] Well, he must have a good reason for it. We don't want to second-guess the admiral, now, do we? >> "That was not logical. Tom06: [as T'Gwen] The logical thing to do would be to send assistance right away ... to the Maquis! Tom02: It's logical having an eleven-year-old kid in command?! Tom10: Oh, logic was left behind a long, long time ago, friend. >> CONN set a >> course to the Roanoke, warp seven. Crow13: Disobeying orders is *much* more logical. Crow10: Is it trite to say we don't know where the Roanoke is? Tom12: [as Kahn] From Hell's heart I set your course.... >> Picard, have your fighters standing >> by. If that young Captain of yours has managed to curtail the >> activities of some Maquis, they logically would have called for help." Crow06: [as T'Gwen] So we're going to help them! Mike10: Yeah, but that would have involved sending out a distress signal, when Starfleet policy clearly requires them to contact Admiral Ennui back there.... Tom13: The way T'Gwen states the obvious, you sure she's not half-Vulcan, half-*Betazoid*? >> "Kathy, you won't mind if I borrow your wing?" Marrissa asked. Tom14: Kathy has wings? Crow13: [as Kathy] No problem --- I've got two. Crow05: [as Kathy] What? But how did you know I'm Hawkgirl? It was supposed to be a secret! Crow09: [as Kathy] Which one? I'll have to fly in circles for a --- Tom09: [as Marrissa] I said, YOU WON'T MIND IF I BORROW YOUR WING!! Crow09: [as Kathy] No, ma'am, please take it --- just spare me!! >> "Kerstin suggested that you'd be ready to decode her messages." >> "I'll be ready," Kathy replied. Crow06: [as Kathy] I've got my Cap'n Crunch decoder ring right here, sir. Crow07: Pig-latin isn't all that hard. >> Marrissa nodded and tapped her communicator. "Attention all >> Fighter Wings, red wing, blue wing, Crow06: ... one wing, two wing: By Dr. Seuss. >> to launch status. Green wing, black >> wing, to ready status. All other wings standby for deployment orders." Crow08: [announcer voice] Previously, on "Battlestar Galactica".... >> Closing the channel she continued. "With your permission Captain, I'll >> go down to the fighter bay now." Tom08: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, go 'way, kid, ya bother me. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Is she gone? Good! Prepare to depressurize the fighter bay on my mark. Tom13: [singing] Sittin' on the dock of the bay.... >> >> Ro Laren was not in good sprits. Tom02: It's hard to find good sprits these days. Mike09: She hadn't realized Starfleet still used sailing ships. >> She had lead the Maquis on Tom14: LED! LED! LED!!! Mike14: Easy, Tom, easy. Tom14: But it hurts so much. >> board the Roanoke, after gassing its crew. Mike13: Ah, that four-alarm chili does it every time. Mike06: [as Ro] Whew! Maybe I shouldn't have had that burrito for lunch. Crow06: The crew had been running on fumes, and there had been a sale on Premium Unleaded that day.... Crow14: [singing] Jumpin' Ro Flash, it's a gas gas gas. >> Ro knew of no way she could >> have been blocked in her takeover of the starship. Tom12: Unless, of course, there were twelve-year-olds on the ship. >> She knew about the Mike08: Total lack of coherency in the Ratliff continuum. >> fact that the gas was ineffective on children. Tom06: And that most of the adults in a Ratliff story are just plain ineffective.... Tom13: ...But she foolishly discounted that fact, not knowing she had entered... [dramatic music] The Ratliff Zone! >> Could it be that the >> children had command of the ship? Crow13: Perish the thought! >> No, she dismissed the thought. Tom14: [sobbing] But... but... she was *in* the episode "Rascals" where this exact same thing happened! How could Ratliff miss that? Mike14: [hugs Tom14] There, there. We're nearly to the middle. Crow14: Are we losing Servo? Mike14: I'm afraid so. >> No >> Captain would allow the children to have command level access. Tom02: No way could Starfleet be *that* stupid. Crow08: Finally, a voice of reason amid the chaos. Mike12: Ro obviously doesn't know who is writing this story. Tom09: She must've missed all those studies from Radford U that say otherwise. Crow09: Ro's problem is that she's trying to live in the real world. Tom10: Is this irony, or a moment of lucidity? Crow14: Mike, listening to Ratliff critique the Kids Crew thesis like this ... it's starting to break me, too. Mike14: [now puts his arms around both Tom14 and Crow14] >> And who >> ever was fighting her off had to have that. Even with that Kid's Crew >> regulation they passed just before she left Star Fleet. Tom08: Which, no doubt, was a prime reason for her departure. Crow06: [as Ro] I have to take orders from *who*?! *Those* spoiled, snot-nosed little punks?!! I QUIT!!! Tom10: Okay, they know the gas doesn't work on children, they know they're encountering resistance, and they know Starfleet toyed with the idea of giving kids command level access. So, not only is Starfleet profoundly stupid, the entire Galaxy is. Mike13: Duh... just another clueless adult. Tom13: Isn't that the regulation that has the rider that all Starfleet officers must get a lobotomy when they hit the age of 18? >> The Roanoke had destroyed her ship, and all who remained aboard. Crow13: I see Kerstin is trying to outdo Marrissa's killing record. >> At least that wouldn't happen to any one else. Tom06: Seeing as how the ship was destroyed, it *would* be kinda hard to destroy anyone else aboard it. >> Ro had ordered phaser >> power conduits disconnected. Crow10: So, they don't have control of the ship, just the bridge, engineering, and weapons control? Apparently it's Monopoly and they need "Ship's Laundry" to complete the color block. >> It was now time to call for back up. Mike06: [as Ro] Okay, throw 'er into reverse! Tom06: [as truck backing up] Beep Beep Beep Beep.... >> "Maquis Croatan to Marqui Defiance, help requested," Crow06: Hey Ratliff... don't look now, but your spellchecker's *still* making you look bad. Mike06: At least he can't blame the spellchecker for the plot. >> Ro said over her >> portable communications equipment. "I've been locked out." Mike04: Just then, Ro remembers the key under the doormat. Crow08: [as Ro] I keep forgetting the *keys* when I park the ship. Crow12: [as Ro] Could you call the Super and get him to bring the spare key? Crow09: Look under the doormat by the bridge, there's a spare key. Crow06: [as Defiance] Did you try looking under the welcome mat? Maybe you can climb through a window or something.... >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author Mike08: Y'know, guys, NOTHING ever dulls the pain of those few words.... >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. Tom06: [as Doctor] I'd feel horrible! [sniffle] Just because I have no real physical form, do you bastards think that means I have no real feelings either? [bursts into tears] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis part 6 Crow12: So we were on DS9 for one chapter and it's a DS9 story? >> Date: 8 Oct 1996 14:15:05 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 100 >> Message-ID: <53dnl9$o...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Premier Maqui Tom08: R's, S's, and pretty much all other characters optional. Add to taste. >> by Stephen Ratliff >> A Marrissa Story >> Stargazer Mission, DS9 >> part 6 >> >> Chapter Five Tom07: Marrissa's Big Score Tom12: The Jewel of the Nile. >> >> In classroom two Mike07: ...twenty-two, with Pete Dixon. >> on board the Roanoke, the panic had just begun >> again. Crow12: Geography pop quiz. Crow09: [as Kerstin] Whaddaya mean nobody brought crib sheets for chemistry?!? Tom13: All the Power Ranger tapes were destroyed during the invasion. Mike06: It was worse than that classroom scene in "Pink Floyd, The Wall". Tom06: [as announcer] Tonight, on a very special episode of "Dangerous Minds".... >> The temporary command center was experiencing another crisis. Crow06: ...on Infinite Earths? Mike08: POP QUIIIIIIIZ! Crow08: Flashback, Mike? >> "Multiple contacts coming out of warp," the boy taking care of sensors >> announced. Crow08: Be sure to feed those sensors twice a day and take them out for frequent walks. Mike06: [as sensor boy] Wait, this can't be right. How did all those soft lenses get out there?! Crow10: So, like, are they using SCIS kits to make their Very Own Starship Bridge or something? >> "A dozen Maquis raiders and one Intrepid class Starship, in >> formation." Mike12: It's the short version of the Twelve Federation Days of Christmas. Mike10: And color coordinated! They are up against a *powerful* organization. Crow13: [as announcer] I give them a 9.2 in style, but only an 8.4 in performance. Raider #3 was a bit late in his timing. Tom06: [as Number Two] In formation! IN FORMATION!!! >> "Tactical, weapons status?" Kerstin asked. Tom12: [as young girl] The laser thingies don't work. >> "No power to phasers," a girl replied. "Torpedo launching >> systems jammed." Mike08: ...And peanut buttered. Mike09: [as Homer] Mmmmmm --- torpedo jam! Mike06: [as Dark Helmet] Only ONE man would DARE to jam my torpedoes like this ... LONE STAR!!! >> "And no way to run either," Kerstin responded. Tom06: Yeah, it is kinda hard to run through a vacuum.... >> "ETA on the >> Stargazer." >> "Three minutes," a boy replied. >> "Three minutes, we can do that," Kerstin smiled. Mike06: [as Kerstin] That's enough time for a quickie.... Crow08: Oh, no. She's smiling. The Kid's Crew is about to do something *really* stupid. Tom08: So what if they were frowning, then? Crow08: They'd be about to do something *really* stupid. Tom08: Oh. Thanks for clearing that up. Mike13: "Three minutes? They could be miles off course!" Crow13: "That's impossible! They're on instruments!" Tom13: Wow! Crow did a Lloyd Bridges impersonation that didn't include lungs aching for air! Crow13: I thought I'd diversify. >> "Tell me, >> Ashaya, is the loading system still OK for the torpedoes?" Mike10: They want to fire on the Stargazer? Crow10: Yeah! Go for it! End this story! >> "Yes, Kerstin," the tactical officer responded. "But what good >> is that going to do?" Tom10: With this narrative, just about anything.... Mike08: [as Kerstin] It'll give someone a chance to sacrifice themselves heroically in a desperate attempt to drum up sympathy. >> "Transporters are still on line aren't they?" Kerstin asked. A >> boy responded with a nod. "Then we'll transport them. I just love >> Tactics Monthly." Tom08: [as Kerstin] Especially the swimsuit issue! Crow06: [as Kerstin] Especially the swimsuit issue! Mike06: But she only reads it for the articles. Crow10: Last issue's centerfold was a fleet of Canadian CF-105 Arrow interceptor planes at the beach by Saint John.... Mike04: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, yah, they have the tastiest recipes for small ordnance explosives... Bots04: [same] Oh, ya.... Crow12: It's the Kid's Crew version of "Teen Beat." Mike07: This month's issue has an interview with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Mike09: [as Kerstin] I really liked that article in the August issue: "How to run an entire starship effectively from a simple classroom"! Tom05: Don't these kids ever read Mad Magazine, or Highlights, or Ranger Rick or something? Crow14: That's it! I give up! I'm ending it now, and I'm taking you with me. HEY SERVO! You see what Ratliff's done to Kerstin...? Mike14: STOP...! Crow14: Now there are *TWO* Marrissas! [Tom14 shrieks, and after a suitable amount of fireworks, Tom14, Crow14, and Mike14 are all, shall we say, less than fully functional.] [Meanwhile, Tom02 and Crow02 get off their seats and beat their heads against the floor, in time with "I hate this story. I hate this story."] [Cambot flashes the update on the bottom of the screen: ] [ Replicants destroyed: 15 ] [ Replicants remaining: 30 ] [ Fanfic status: 45% complete ] >> >> Eddington smiled as his fleet approached the drifting Roanoke. Mike12: He was remembering last night's "Seinfeld." >> It was just waiting for his forces. Crow13: [singing] I've been waiting ... for a ship like you.... Mike13: *Never* sing that again. >> He wondered why Ro hadn't been able >> to take over the ship. Tom10: She was infected by a tragic case of stupidity. Mike10: Or poor writing. >> She was one of the Maquis' most experienced Crow08: Mimes. Tom08: NO! Crow08: Yes! >> operatives, that's why she had been assigned the task of taking the >> Nebula class starship. Tom12: They hadn't counted on the kindergarten class command crew. Tom06: Let me see if I've got this straight. Ro Laren, *experienced operative* and ex-Starfleet officer, has a team in place on the Roanoke's bridge and in engineering. She makes sure that engines and weapons are disabled, but leaves them with the ability to call for help *and* to use the transporters to defend themselves in a way described by a monthly periodical?! I DON'T *THINK* SO! >> In any case, with the Maquis Defiance's support, >> the Roanoke would soon be Maquis. Tom10: It was being traded to the Maquis in exchange for Cecil Fielder and two players to be named later, one of whom is already promised to the Blue Jays to fulfill an earlier trade. >> "Incoming hail from the Roanoke," his operations officer >> announced. Crow04: [as ops officer] Weather conditions worsening. Mike08: [as ops officer] Incoming sleet from the Richmond. Tom13: [as Eddington] Aw, man, that'll scratch the paint! >> "On screen," Eddington responded, his Star Fleet training >> evident. Crow12: He's getting ready to send a bunch of characters without names out to die. Tom08: Yes, even the way he gave the most insignificant order fairly shouted, "Look at me: I'm Starfleet!" >> All that training went out the window when Kerstin appeared on >> screen. Tom06: That's when he couldn't stifle a laugh. >> He muttered, "a child, a child." Tom10: \ Tom12: - My kingdom for a child! Tom13: / Tom09: [singing] ...Shivering in the cold. All09: [singing] We must bring him silver and gold.... Crow08: [as Eddington] THAT'S what I'm hungry for! I get these late-night cravings.... >> "Yes a child," Kerstin replied. "Kerstin Szustakowski, Crow12: ...or J. Michael Straczynski. Tom10: [as Eddington] Oh, I was waiting for Justy Ueki Taylor. >> Kid's >> Crew Captain, presently in command of the USS Roanoke. All06: ...and a good friend! >> I suggest you >> withdraw immediately." Mike06: [as Ryan Landek] Withdraw or I'll kick your butt! >> "Why? Mike10: Well, it'd spare *us* a lot of pain. Crow13: [as Kerstin] Because we have a foolish idea that could only work in fiction. >> Ro informs me that your ship is currently disabled," >> Eddington responded, dryly. "You couldn't hurt a flea." Mike12: True, but you're in a starship. Crow09: [as Kerstin] That's what you think! All hands, prepare to launch the Hartz 2-in-1 collars! Mike05: [as Kerstin] Oh, yeah? Well, we're absolute hell on paramecia, bacteria and virii, so back off, sucker! Crow06: What do the Red Hot Chili Peppers have to do with this? Mike06: [as Eddington] And I'm *sure* there's just *no way* you could have *possibly* called for reinforcements.... Mike13: Ah, the old bad-guy-bragging-just-before-he-gets-his-butt-kicked scene. Tom13: You think Ratliff has a program that writes these for him? You know, he just supplies the names; the computer fills in the cliched scenes for him? >> "Well I may not be Marrissa Picard, but you'll find than no >> Kid's Crew Captain has a bark worse than their bite, Mister," the young >> girl replied. Crow08: Because we KNOW they all bite. Tom09: Good Lord, it's Shatner in drag! Crow05: Yeah, and no Kid's Crew Captain saves a stitch in time before nine! Mike13: [as Eddington] That's MISTER Mister to you, young lady! Mike06: [as Mr. Blonde] You gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite? All04: [barking] Yip yip yip yip yip! Tom04: Did she just call herself a bitch? [Tom02 and Crow02 repeat their head beating.] Mike02: I share the feeling, guys, but I don't think that's good for you.... >> "Roanoke out." >> >> In the classroom that was serving as the control center of the >> Roanoke, Crow12: The crew was still having trouble coloring inside the lines. Mike10: The other students were demanding Kerstin give someone else a chance to play "Masters Of Orion MMXCIII." >> Kerstin turned toward her tactical officer and said, Mike06: [as Kerstin] Go to the board and write one hundred times: "I will never again question the divinity of Marrissa." >> "Ashaya, >> transport one torpedo directly in front of the lead Maquis raider. Crow06: [as Kerstin] Then put one in front of the copper Maquis raider. >> Set >> it to explode on impact." Tom06: ...on Sudden Impact. Mike13: [as Kerstin] More death! More destruction! More MORE MORE!!! Tom13: What else are you going to set it to? Explode at tea time?? Mike04: Did Ratliff get that idea from the Star Trek RPG? >> On the classroom's view screen, a Maquis raider's nose was >> obscured by the explosion. Crow09: Space Hay Fever's bad this time of year. Mike10: [as pilot] Huh... the engine light's on, but it sounds okay, I guess there's no real problAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGH! Mike13: [holding nose] Owww! My dose! You broke my dose! >> When the blast cleared, half the ship was >> gone. It drifted aimlessly toward the Roanoke. Tom08: And this distinguished it from the rest of the story HOW? Tom10: Maybe it's a metaphor for the entire story here. Crow04: Ratliff's getting better at this battle stuff. Mike04: He'd almost have to. Mike06: [as narrator] Then it drifted aimlessly on to other towns, picking up odd jobs wherever it could find them.... Crow13: [as sherriff] You look like a drifter to me, son. >> "Dusty," Crow12: It is *now*. >> Kerstin ordered a boy at the rear of the classroom. Tom06: ...Who played for ZZ Top and had a beard that dangled down to his waist. >> "Look for known Maquis with the name Ro. All10: [singing] Ro, Ro, Roanoke, Gently down the data stream.... >> I want to know about our >> opponent." Crow02: [as Dusty] Umm, Kerstin, I don't see anyone by that name in this room. Mike04: [as Dusty] Yes, ma'am --- reviewing "The Next Generation" seasons four through seven.... Tom13: Ro Gain? Crow13: Ro Dan? Mike13: Ro Anoke? Tom13: Ro To Rooter? Crow13: Ro Ver? Mike13: Ro Ro Ro Your Boat? Mike08: Well, we've got a Saville Ro... Tom08: A ro-ro-ro-your boat... Crow08: Fraternity Ro... Tom08: ROto Rooter... Mike08: ROquelaire... Crow08: ROtary engine... Tom08: Stanley ROper... Mike08: [as Dusty] Did I mention that all we have in the computer is the AltaVista search engine? Tom10: She's a good fastball pitcher, won 23 games last season and was credited with two saves as well; her ERA against right-handed hitters is 1.97 but against southpaws it's a miserable 8.83. But she batted .271 last season, slugging percentage was only .305 but still she's a force to contend with in the National League this year. >> "Kerstin, shields have gone up on all remaining vessels," a boy >> announced. Mike08: [as Kerstin] Lieutenant Boy! Status report. And Ensign Boy... I need more power. Yeoman Boy... Is the dry cleaning done yet? And where's Cheeta? Tom08: Wow, Mike, you really went to town. Take a break. We've got it. >> "They should have had them up before," Ashaya responded. Crow13: Yeah, if they had had any *battle experience*, which I'm sure none of these *terrorists* and *ex-Starfleet officers* would. >> "Agreed," Kerstin replied. Mike07: [as Kerstin] But, we needed SOME ludicrous plot point. >> "Send another torpedo at that >> half-destroyed ship, Tom08: [as Kerstin] I think it twitched a little. >> I don't want it drifting into us. Mike09: [as Kerstin] And if there are survivors, tough! They're obviously too stupid to live! Crow09: [as Marrissa] I like her. She reminds me of me. >> Also that raider >> at seventy mark eight looks a little weak. Give him a torpedo in thirty >> seconds." Crow06: So, why are they waiting to torpedo him? Tom06: It'll be more of a surprise later on, I guess.... Crow08: No rush. It's ONLY a life-and-death space battle. Mike08: Well, it's a life-and-death RATLIFF space battle. Crow08: True. Tom13: [as raider] For me? Awww, you shouldn't have. >> "Aye sir," Ashaya replied. >> "Another vessel has arrived ...," a boy said. "... it's the >> Stargazer." All13: [dramatic music] Bump-ba-BUMMMM! Tom08: [as Kerstin] Oh, she can't let me do ANYTHING on my own! >> >> On the bridge of the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington >> surveyed the scene surrounding the Roanoke. A half destroyed hull blew >> up as they watched. Mike12: ...Becoming a fully destroyed hull. Tom08: Strangely, they envied it. >> The remaining ships were beginning to surround >> the Roanoke, the Intrepid class ship Crow13: You mean the Defiance? Mike13: Let's not jump to conclusions. >> being on the other side from >> the Stargazer. Mike08: Please tell me they're not going to try and resort to some horrible technobabble and shoot around the Roanoke. Crow08: No, this isn't a Brannon Braga story. Tom08: Much worse... Look! >> "Launch fighters," she ordered. All08: NOOOOO! Crow08: Great. Now we get to see more dime-store-novel heroics and stolen Chris Claremont scenes. Tom10: You don't suppose this is a Battlestar Galactica crossover story, do you? >> "Ops status of the Roanoke, Tom06: [as bridge crew member] How should *I* know what the status of the Roanoke's Ops station is?! >> CONN plot a course to bring us along side the Intrepid Class vessel. >> Tactical fire on raiders as your phasers come to bear." Mike09: We'll make Al Davis sorry he ever moved that team. Mike04: Sometimes the bear gets you, sometimes the phasers come to bear. Mike07: Stephen Ratliff IS Tom Clancy. >> "The Roanoke's warp and impluse engines Tom13: Oh, he's so *implusive*. Crow13: You don't look good, let me take your *pluse*. Tom13: Look out! It's a *plusar*! Mike13: All right, guys, enough spelling flames. >> are offline," Duvek >> responded. "No power to phasers. Transporter activity indicates that >> they are using transporters to Mike06: ...Play "red rover red rover." >> launch torpedoes." Crow07: Sure, he can tell that just by looking at some numbers on a screen. Tom08: Imagine what a DETAILED scan woulda picked up. Mike08: [as Duvek] ...And Kersten's got a stray nose hair. >> "Fascinating," Washington responded. Crow04: [as T'Gwen] Did I mention that I'm half-Vulcan and half-Human? Crow12: [as T'Gwen] They must have read "Tactics Monthly." >> "Gusat, All09: Gesundheit! >> take the upper >> warp pair. We are going to give who ever took the Fearless a chase. Crow05: [as T'Gwen] I don't care if we catch them, but a chase scene might help this fanfic along a little. >> Duvek, take the bridge, I'll be in the lower warp pair. Once we split, Tom13: [as T'Gwen] The house will be MINE. You can take the kids. Mike08: NO. The Stargazer canNOT split. *I* refuse to allow it! Tom08: Take a few deep breaths, Mike. But you have a point. >> I want you to move to cover the top of the Roanoke. Tom09: [as Duvek] Yes ma'am, ultra-cozy at the ready! >> If you can, >> transport security teams on board the Roanoke to clear out those Maquis. Crow08: [as T'Gwen] If you can't, just blow it off. We'll pass it down the next shift. Mike06: And, of course, being near "the top" of the Roanoke is *crucial* to accomplishing this somehow.... Mike13: [as T'Gwen] Heck, transport a few photon torpedoes while you're at it. That looks like fun! >> Warp pair separation in one minute mark." Mike09: How did Janeway's boyfriend get here? Crow06: [as bridge crew member] Thanks for the warning, but my name's not Mark. >> The Captain and First Officer left the bridge of the Stargazer, >> and Duvek settled into the command chair. Crow09: [as Archie Bunker] Hey, dingbat, bring me a beer, hah? Crow12: ...Sitting on the whoopie cushion the Captain had left there. Tom12: Yes, Marrissa's playful practical jokes had truly inspired Captain T'Gwen. >> "Rotate us 90 degrees onto >> our port side. Set a course looping around the raiders terminating in Crow10: ...Motion sickness. >> front and facing the Fearless at separation." Mike12: Someone please save us! Tom13: Oh, the suspense! I can't take it! >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. [The text freezes on the screen. Replicants stay where they are. Cambot backs up through the hallway.] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [cut to commercials] From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 4/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142420@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256833045 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 4/6 =============================== [return from commercials] [SOL control room. Mike (the *real* Mike, in the green jumpsuit) and Tom Servo are at the desk.] TOM: OK, try this one. Picture him as an ambassador from a warring planet who is negotiating a treaty with the help of the kiddy captain. He's tough, even gruff at first, but soon comes to respect the kid- captain and winds up agreeing with whatever she says. TOM & MIKE: [look thoughtful for a few seconds] Hmmmmm.... MIKE: You're right, Tom. It really works! [Crow comes on camera.] CROW: Hey, what's up? MIKE: Tom's got a way to make these Ratliff fanfics a lot less painful. CROW: Really?! TOM: You see, Crow, Hollywood often has to work with scripts based on an absurd premise and filled with wooden characters, stilted exposition, and predictable formulas. How do producers turn awful concepts into tepid but financially successful movies or multi-season TV shows? Answer: by hiring the right actor. MIKE: Like Tommy Lee Jones in "Volcano." CROW: Oh, yeah! Or Sandra Bullock in "Speed." MIKE: Or Gene Hackman in "The Quick and the Dead." TOM: Or Nick Cage in "The Rock." MIKE: Or Sean Connery in "The Rock." CROW: Or Sean Connery in ... well ... almost everything he's done! TOM: Exactly. So for a Ratliff story, it's simply a matter of finding the right actor to play all the pathetic *adult* characters. And, I ask, who could be better for this unenviable task than ... Ernest Borgnine --- the MSG of actors. MIKE: "MSG"? TOM: Mono-sodium glutamate. CROW: Oh, I get it! See, if you add Ernest Borgnine to a movie or TV show that's already good, it's like adding MSG to a food dish that's already tasty. It adds its own distinctive and intriguing flavor, without actually ruining the movie or the food dish, if you use it in small quantities. TOM: Yes. But even more importantly, if you liberally add MSG to a bland and tasteless dish --- just like adding Ernest Borgnine to a bland and tasteless movie or TV show --- you go a long way towards making it, if not actually good, then at least palatable. MIKE: Hey, I think you're onto something. TOM: Also like MSG, Ernest Borgnine causes strong adverse reactions in some people. CROW: And a prolonged, steady diet of it is probably unhealthy. MIKE: OK, so how about this one. Imagine Ernest Borgnine as a Lieutenant Commander in engineering or security who keeps having to take orders from these kids whenever they usurp control, but who always obeys willingly and with good humor because he realizes they're so brilliant; and he always sticks up for the kids whenever some other clueless adult with *actual* experience questions their rightful command. TOM, CROW & MIKE: [look thoughtful for a few seconds] Hmmmmm.... CROW: Hey, you're right! That helps a lot! OK, how about Ernest Borgnine as an evil admiral who has nothing but contempt for the kids and is secretly a traitor. TOM, CROW & MIKE: Hmmmm.... MIKE: Nope, that doesn't really work. I can't see him as a stupid-but- evil villain. TOM: Oh, I've got one! He's the ship's captain, competent and even a little clever when necessary, who acts as a kind-hearted surrogate father figure, but who is incapacitated in some improbable way each week so that the Kids' Crew can take over and save the day, but doesn't seem to mind that this always keeps happening, and gives the Kids' Crew all the privilege and authority they want and always takes their side when someone challenges them because he knows they're so perfect. TOM, CROW & MIKE: Hmmmm.... CROW: Yeah, I can *definitely* picture that. MIKE: This is great! From now on, I'm going to picture Ernest Borgnine playing just about every adult character in a Ratliff story. CROW: Not only that, but when fanfic sign goes off again, *we* don't have to go back into that theater. [Fanfic light goes off. Mike hits it.] ALL: FANFIC SIGN --- AND WE DON'T CARE! [They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [Cambot settles into place, and the text resumes scrolling.] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 7 - New Crow13: But certainly not improved. >> Date: 15 Oct 1996 16:13:09 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 101 >> Message-ID: <540d6l$j...@newslink.runet.edu> Tom08: Breathless anticipation fills the theater.... >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> DS9 >> Premier Maquis >> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission >> part 7 >> Disclaimer in part 1 Crow08: So, in other words, too late for objections. Crow12: Plot errors in parts 1 through 13. >> other parts available at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> >> Chapter Six Tom13: ...Six six. The Chapter of the Beast. Tom12: Die Harder. Tom07: Premier Maquis with a Vengeance. >> >> The Stargazer looped around the Maquis raiders firing at whoever >> was closer. Mike12: Which turned out to be itself. It wasn't really a winning strategy. Mike08: Even the Roanoke. They weren't that particular. Tom10: When battle scenes get lazy. Mike13: Do you feel that any of the crew on the Stargazer is in any danger, whatsoever? Crow13: Nope. Mike13: Neither do I. >> Every once in a while a torpedo would explode by a raider, Tom08: Well, that chili will do that to ya. >> courtesy of the Kid's crew of the Roanoke. Crow10: Yeah, thanks for the help... bunch of schmuckle balls. Tom13: Then they transported one underneath Marrissa's chair as a prank, and the Captain decided that things had gone too far. Tom04: If only the Kids Crew ran the Sheraton. Not just complimentary mints... not just towels and soap... to make your stay more enjoyable, the management provides these Courtesy Torpedoes at no extra charge. >> Meanwhile Marrissa's red >> and blue wings, and Marrissa herself pursued targets among the raiders, >> sowing confusion where ever they went. Tom02: And harvesting bumper crops of pain and misery. Mike09: Oh, now that's just too easy. Tom08: Oh, they had to wait for a space battle to sow confusion? Mike10: Finally, her natural talents really come to the front. Crow12: Marrissa sowing confusion? Go figure. >> Then suddenly, the Stargazer took on the appearance of a >> collision course, full impluse. Crow07: Hey, look, the Stargazer looks like a collision course! Crow09: Look out! It's colliding with --- itself? Crow08: They were saving their imPULSE engines for later. Tom08: Don't you think a Star Trek fan should at least have a working knowledge of the gear he's working with? >> "Separation in 10 ... 9 ..." Closer >> and faster they went. Collision emanate. Mike08: Wow. Look at that. It's not often you see a collision emanate from something. Mike05: [as crewman] Um, Captain, I'm not sure if the laws of physics allow me to carry out that last order.... Tom13: Oh, I *hate* it when collisions emanate. They're such a bother to clean up. >> "6 ... 7 ..." Mike07: [a la Spaceballs] What happened to 8? And why is he going in the opposite direction now? Tom08: Things are so crazy, the count's going in reverse! Mike08: The Stargazer's parts have made up, and they're getting even CLOSER together. >> On the Bridge of the Maquis Defiance, a.k.a. the Fearless, Tom06: a.k.a. Pablo. Mike12: a.k.a. Johnny Badnote. Mike13: a.k.a. 007. Crow13: AK-47.... Crow08: [as annoucer] Previously on... What story is this again? Tom08: "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}"... I think. >> the >> operations officer announced, "The Stargazer is on a collision course. >> Impact in ten seconds." >> "Evasive," Tom09: [as officer] I am not, I'm telling you as plainly as I can! >> Eddington got out, too late for the helmsman to >> respond. Crow06: [as helmsman] Wait, sir! We're in the middle of a battle! Where are you going?! Tom05: Boy, talk about lack of initiative! Huge starship on a collision course. "Ah, I'll just maintain current course and heading. Wouldn't want to act without a direct order...." Crow02: [Documentary style] Starship crews are unintelligent and unable to think of moving out of the way of an incoming attack unless their Captain tells them to. >> On the screen, the sideways ship closed, then suddenly the warp >> engines pealed off. All05: [ripping/stripping noise] All08: [screeeeching noises] Crow04: The impulse engines chimed. Crow10: This scene rings a bell. Mike12: It's an avocado ship! >> The saucer itself stopped. All05: [braking/crashing noise] Tom13: Newton's first law of motion went completely by the wayside. Crow09: [as Bugs Bunny] Whew! Lucky dis ting had air brakes! >> The warp pairs made Tom08: LOVEly couples. >> organized strikes down the sides of the Intrepid Class Maquis vessel, Mike04: You know ... pickets, liberals, bullhorns, Jimmy Hoffa --- the whole nine yards. >> as >> the crew continued to stare. Crow08: They had no lines in this scene. Tom13: Luckily for Starfleet, the Maquis were totally unable to perform under pressure. Tom09: [as crewman] Uh, shouldn't we be doing something? Mike09: [as another crewman] Please! We're basking in the gracefulness of this maneuver! Crow12: Close your mouth, son, you'll get flies in it. Mike10: [reaches up, tries to push a crewmember's mouth closed.] >> The saucer then made a corkscrew turn back >> toward the Roanoke, Crow06: Wait, wait ... when did the Roanoke throw a corkscrew at the saucer? Tom12: Where did they get a corkscrew and why are they forcing it to do things like that? >> righting itself and tossing a volley of torpedoes at >> the Fearless, almost absentmindedly. Crow06: Now the corkscrew's got torpedoes?! I'm confused.... Tom07: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking absentminded scene. Mike05: Huh? Do you have even the slightest idea what happened there? Crow05: Well, not really, but it's sort of interesting to see that Starfleet just lobs photon torpedoes around willy-nilly like that. Mike12: Gee, you'd think Marrissa was in command. Mike10: [as Duvek] Oh, man, you know there's fudge pops in the freezer? Oh, wait, better destroy these evil guys, I guess. Tom10: [as Duvek] Hey, which one actually *was* the best Mighty Ducks movie ever? Crow13: Did *any* of that make any sense whatsoever? Mike13: Well, maybe Ratliff's taking our suggestions and trying to make action sequences. Tom13: We take it back! We take it all back! Mike08: I'm glad Ratliff decided to personify the Stargazer's saucer section. Tom08: It's my favorite character so far. >> "Shields at 50 percent," the tactical officer announced. >> "Follow the saucer," Eddington ordered. Mike13: Follow the gourd! Tom13: No, no, follow the shoe! Tom09: It's Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzi in "The Lost Saucer"! >> "We'll see if we can >> retrieve our strike team before we leave." Tom06: [as Eddington] Maybe the Stargazer will do something stupid like not shoot us when we lower our shields to beam out the team.... Crow08: [as Eddington] If not, screw it. There's more where they came from. Mike10: I'm sure they appreciate not being left to die in the cold of space. >> >> Meanwhile, Marrissa's two wings of fighters were after the >> eleven remaining raiders. Tom08: [NFL films voice] They were in a fourth-and-inches situation. Now was the time to show the Cleveland crowd what they were made of.... Crow10: Green Bay is just soaking up the penalties this game. >> She and Lieutenant Matt Grubb Tom04: Didn't he draw "Life In Hell"? Crow10: He's the one with a puffy white body that keeps getting eaten by honey badgers. >> (blue wing's >> commanding officer) were busy directing their forces. "Picard to Red >> two, watch your back." Crow08: [as Red two] With YOU writing my fit-reps? COUNT on it. Mike09: [as Red two] I can't, my head won't swivel back that far! Tom13: [as Luke Skywalker] Wedge, Biggs, pull up! Pull up! >> "I see him, Commander." >> "Red four to Red five, you've got a tail" Crow06: [as Red Four] You really should see a doctor to get that amputated. Tom04: [as female fighter commander] One more comment like that, mister, and I'll have you court-martialed for sexual harassment! Mike08: [Luke Skywalker] This is Red Five standing by. R2, try and increase the power. Mike10: I'm getting this sense of deja vu for some reason. >> "I can't shake him." Mike09: [as Red Five] But I can kind of make him vibrate a little. Tom04: [as Wedge] Whoa! That got 'im! Tom08: [phone ringing noise] Mike08: Hello? Yes. Right. Uh huh. [Click] Hey, Stephen, that was George Lucas. He wants his dialogue back. >> "Picard to Red Three, Four, Six, relieve Five of his tail. Tom13: SNIP! Crow13: OWWWWWWWWWW! Tom09: The Starfleet Decaudation Squad leaps into action. >> I'll be joining you." Mike06: [as Red Five] Oh, thanks a lot, guys! Now you got the Little Princess to stick her nose in.... Mike08: [as Marrissa] But first I have to make a side trip to the Dagobah system.... Mike13: [as Marrissa] Do you, Red Three, take Red Four to be your lawfully wedded spouse.... >> Marrissa turned her fighter from the raider she had been >> following toward the raider causing Red Five trouble. Crow06: [as Red Five] Thanks for causing me more trouble, Marrissa.... Tom10: They wouldn't have that Red Five Trouble if they thought to take some Pepcid AC about a half hour before eating. >> She noted this >> course would cause her to pass between the secondary hull saucer of the >> Nebula class starship. Tom08: She reflected on all the times she had crashed during the trench run on X-Wing CD. >> As she closed, she noticed that the Maquis >> raider in question's rear shields were lit up like a firefly. All08: [girlish voice] Preeeeeeeeeetty! Tom07: The wonders of luciferase. Will they never cease?! Mike07: Huh? Tom07: The chemical that makes fireflies light up. Mike07: Oh. >> She >> crossed the saucer of the Roanoke Crow08: And then double-crossed it! >> and came out in front of the raider >> and fired her two mini-torpedoes and phasers. Mike10: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, these mini-torpedoes are just *delicious*, all the taste of a big ol' cheese hoagie, but in this neat little snackable size. Crow10: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, ya. I always bring one if I know I'm going to be caught in traffic during the day and just need a little perk-me-up. >> That was the last of the >> raider, as it exploded and Red Three, Four, and Six peeled out of the >> cloud of expanding gas that it left behind. Tom04: How rude! Mike04: Yeah --- like, light a match or something. Crow06: [as Red Six] Whoo! What crawled up and died inside *that* raider? Tom08: Well, that chili will do that to ... Oh, you finish it. I'm bitter. Tom13: Um, wouldn't there be debris, shrapnel, that kind of thing, along with the gas? Wouldn't that be kind of, you know, FATAL to the fighters? Crow13: C'mon, in that respect, he's being faithful to the original show. >> "Black Leader to Fighter Commander," Dar Ducat's voice came. >> "Black and Green joining up. Mike09: [as Ducat] Forming emerald. >> Where do you want us?" Crow08: This is NO time for ... OH, you mean who do I want you to shoot. [Mike13 clamps Crow13's beak shut.] Tom13: Aw, you never let us have any fun. Mike05: [as Marrissa] Oh, just fly around or something. I've decided to win this battle single-handedly, and don't want you people getting in the way of my glorious victory! >> "Black odds take raider five," Marrissa began "Black even, >> raider six, Green odd, seven, Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to >> nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings." Mike08: [as Marrissa] Now everyone repeat that back to me. Mike04: Next time I go through the drive-thru at Burger King I'm going to yell that as fast as I can. Crow04: [intercom voice] Would you like fries with that? Crow13: Red odds 5 to 1 ... PLAAAACE YOUR BETS! Tom10: When did we land in Monte Carlo? >> "Blue two to Commander, raider two is gone." Mike13: [as Marrissa] Well, where did you have it last? >> "Take raider ten Blue even. Leaders take raider eleven. Let's >> clear these guys out." Tom05: Huh? Crow05: Nothing like having crystal-clear instructions when going into a pitched battle. Tom05: Yep, and those are certainly nothing like crystal-clear instructions. Crow08: [as Marrissa] And try to get 20,000 so we can get a bonus ship and go on to the secret round. Tom13: Show them a Pauly Shore movie. That ought to clear 'em out *real* quick. Mike06: [as Red Five] Open a channel to the Maquis ships... listen guys, if you don't leave now, Marrissa's going to start giving one of her little speeches! Tom09: [singing as Elmer Fudd] Kill da waidews, kill da waidews, kill da waidews, yo-ho! >> >> Three fighters on each Maquis Raider left little that the Maquis >> could do, Crow12: Other than die. Tom08: As the writer was clearly biased against them. Crow13: Except maybe --- I don't know --- SHOOT BACK!! >> as raider after raider found itself losing. Mike08: To an oppressive system set up by The Man. Mike10: So now they're going to blackmail Oakland and Los Angeles, then move to Saint Petersburg, Florida. >> Meanwhile the >> Defiance was trying to avoid the two warp pairs of the Stargazer. Tom10: Bid two pairs, pass, bid three hearts ... you can save this one! Tom12: [nerdy voice] Go away! Go away, you nasty warp pairs! >> Unable to close on the Roanoke, the Defiance hit warp, All10: Bonk! >> exiting with the Crow08: Plot hanging dead in the background. >> warp pairs following. One by one, the raiders either followed suit or >> were Crow10: Confused. >> destroyed. Mike05: [as Marrissa] Oh, taking prisoners is such a bother! I'll have to sign forms, and fill out all that paperwork. Just kill them all, it's so much tidier that way.... Tom08: Well, at least they weren't "destoryed." Mike08: Yeah, I hate when that happens. Crow13: [bored monotone] I'm sure glad we survived yet another battle. Mike13: [same] How many did we destroy? Crow13: All of them. Mike13: How many did we lose? Crow13: None. All13: [bored monotone] Yay. >> The saucer, confined to impluse, Crow10: [falsetto] You are grounded, missy, and don't you go emailing your other starship friends now. Crow08: So now the imPULSE engines are out, and the imPLUSE engines are online. >> took up guard above the >> Roanoke. The red and blue wings returned to the fighter bay, by >> Commander Picard's orders. The remaining wings took up station below >> the Roanoke. Crow06: [as remaining wings] So... we'll just stay here then? Crow09: I guess that means Marrissa has a band on the run. Tom09: I wonder if they're moving at the speed of sound. Mike09: Probably heading for Venus. Tom13: Since when are starships fighter carriers, anyway? Mike13: Since Ratliff started watching "Star Blazers" tapes. Crow13: Ouch. >> >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard returned to the bridge. >> "Status, Duvek?" she asked, Tom02: [as Duvek] I'm hungry, a little sleepy, and my wrist hurts, but otherwise I'm fine ... oh ... you mean.... >> as he yielded command to her. Tom12: [as Duvek] Here, take it. I didn't want it anymore anyway. Crow13: [as Marrissa] Do you yield? Tom13: [as Duvek] Yes! Yes! Now get your boot off my neck! Mike07: Hey, he didn't tell us where everyone was sitting. >> "The warp pairs are still after the Maquis vessel," Duvek began. >> "No sign of any additional Maquis. Ship is secure." Mike13: It has its widdle blankey. Crow10: [as Duvek] But I'm not. Please hug me? >> "Excellent, hail the Roanoke," Marrissa ordered. Kerstin >> Szustakowski appeared once again from her classroom. "Kerstin, I must >> compliment you on the photon torpedo trick." Mike06: All right... who's holding a phaser to Marrissa's head? Mike07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, I'll be taking credit for that in my report. Mike08: [as Marrissa] But next time, you will clear any blatant violations of the laws of physics through me, do you understand? Mike04: [as Marrissa] But if you *ever* do anything again before *I* do it, you'll be floating home. Tom10: Yes, the legion of Starfleet weapons experts couldn't think of it in two centuries of work with transporters and photon torpedos, but fortunately, it came up in alt.startrek.creative. >> "Thank you Commander," Kerstin blushed. >> "I think it's time to get rid of that occupation you're >> suffering," Marrissa replied. Crow08: So you're FIRED! Mike08: Crow, that's TWICE you've taken the high road tonight. I'm impressed. Crow08: Well, you have to expand your horizons.... Tom09: The Maquis are like a storm raging inside you.... Crow10: [as Marrissa] We can do it on an outpatient basis, you know. Do you have your health plan card? >> "Would you mind if I removed them from >> the Bridge and Engineering of your ship?" Tom09: [as Kerstin] No. I want them to stay! Tom07: [as Kerstin] No, leave 'em in. They're almost done. >> "Those uninvited guests? Take them," Kerstin said, relieved. Tom08: They were raiding the fridge, making long distance phone calls.... Mike06: [as Kerstin] I was too polite to beam them off the ship myself.... >> "Just get someone over here to see to the Medical needs of my crew. Mike10: [as Kerstin] Over ten of us have boo-boos! >> The >> adults have been out for half a shift now." Crow08: Lucky devils. Tom02: Those lazy bastards. Mike13: [as Kerstin] We'd like them to be out for a few more shifts so we can finalize our takeover of the ship. Crow09: [Minnewegian voice] Oh, they shouldn't be stayin' out so late on a school night, ya know? Tom09: [Ditto] Yah, they got a whaddayacallit, a quiz there tommorah. >> "Doctor Johnson will be over shortly," Marrissa replied. Tom04: [as Marrissa] ...To remove that plot device. Its function has been served. Crow10: ...So that *he* can be knocked out by the Mysterious Evil Gas That Doesn't Affect Children. Mike08: [as Marrissa] We've got a transporter problem, so no height jokes. >> "Stargazer out." Crow08: Wide lapels out. Tom08: Bellbottoms out. Mike09: [as Kerstin] Oh, that's just great! Stuck in the waiting room again. Crow09: Trade you this 1979 "Ladies' Home Journal" for that 1985 "McCall's." Mike10: [as Duvek] I don't want to interrupt, but my life is a bitter, meaningless string of hollow lies and empty gestures. Nobody likes me. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I >> would feel about being called names." >> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager. >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 8 >> Date: 23 Oct 1996 02:03:33 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 151 >> Message-ID: <54judl$j...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: zazu.sunlab.cs.runet.edu Crow09: [as Jimmy Stewart] Zazu's petals! >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> DS9: Premier Maquis >> A Marrissa Story >> A Stargazer Mission Mike09: A Soldier's Story. Tom09: A Separate Peace. Crow09: A Quinn Martin Production. Crow08: A Complete Waste of Time. Tom07: No, "Premier Maquis" is a floor wax! >> by Stephen Ratliff >> part 8 >> >> parts available on the web at: Tom12: Parts is parts. >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> A Repost of parts 1-7 will follow. Tom13: Oh, the horror! The horror! All06: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! All13: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! All05: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Sparks and smoke emanate from Mike05, Tom05, and Crow05, and after a few moments they rest in pieces.] [Cambot flashes the status board and shows the digits flipping over ] [like a gameshow scoreboard: ] [ Replicants destroyed: 18 ] [ Replicants remaining: 27 ] [ Fanfic status: 55% complete ] >> Comments requested. >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu?" Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before. Mike08: If it's funny the first time, it's funny the thousandth time! Tom06: Well, if Ratliff shoots as good as he writes, we should be pretty safe.... >> >> Chapter Seven Tom12: Jason Goes to Hell. Tom07: Russ Meyer's Beyond the Valley of the Premier Maquis. >> >> Captain's Log >> USS Stargazer NCC-2893 >> Stardate 51381.89 Tom10: But you can take that in three easy payments of 17127.2967 stardates each. >> Captain T'Gwen Washington commanding. Crow08: Because Marrissa is busy. Mike13: Oh, stop fooling yourself --- Marrissa's in charge, and you know it! >> ... After defending the Roanoke, Tom06: ...We went on to get an acquittal for Erik and Lyle Menendez. >> we chased the Intrepid class >> vessel stolen by the Maquis Crow10: You'd think they could narrow down what the name of the ship was, if it's the only one that's been stolen in a hundred years. >> into the badlands. Tom06: [as Maquis] Once we get to South Dakota, we can hide in those rock formations. Mike07: Bad lands! Naughty lands! Tom12: No one under the age for 24 was involved, so there's no need to describe what happened. >> Unfortunately, we lost >> them in a plasma storm. Mike08: Tch tch tch tch. Typical! Crow06: [as T'Gwen] It was horrible! There was straw-colored liquid everywhere, and then the blood cells and platelets hit us! Tom04: [as announcer] The storm instantly transported them to the Omega Quadrant, some 90 bazillion light years from Earth. See it all on the new Ratliff Network series, "Star Trek: Stolen Intrepid Class Starship." Check your local listings. Mike04: You know, if that happened to Ro, I bet she'd end up in the Rho quadrant. Crow04: Relatively speaking, I don't see why you find scatalogical references so upsetting. Tom10: Remember, kids: science words don't actually mean anything, so you can combine them any way you like when you write your own science fiction stories. >> I and Glinn Gusat All09: Gesundheit! Tom13: Hey, everybody, let's go see "I and The King"! Crow13: "I and Frank"! Mike13: "Claudius, I"! Bots13: Yeah... huh? >> returned to the saucer and >> docked. Mike07: If you know what I mean, wink wink. Crow08: [as T'Gwen] And then we put the ship back together. Mike08: I HAVE to give you that one. Tom06: [as T'Gwen] Not now, Glinn honey, wait until we get to my quarters.... >> Lieutenant Commander Picard had, in our absence, Mike12: Conquered the known universe. Crow09: Declared herself Queen of Everything and had the entire crew beheaded for serving her lukewarm strawberry crumpets. >> retaken the >> bridge and other occupied areas of the Roanoke. Crow06: ...Allowing our troops to cross in safety. >> Doctor Johnson has >> filled our sickbay, Tom08: With roses! Crow12: With strawberry juice. >> and theirs with the Roanoke's comatose crew. Mike09: [commercial announcer] We're overstocked on Roanoke crew, and everything *must* GO!!! Tom10: Then he started laying brick and mortar and sealed them all in, cackled evilly, and started drinking. Tom12: Comatose Crew --- good band name. >> He >> believes they will recover without ill effect within 48 hours, but >> recommends a week's recovery period. Tom04: But the emotional scars will last a lifetime. Mike08: A week to recover from the battle. They'll need a MONTH off to get them over the story itself. Crow10: Medicine is so much easier when you can just make it all up. Tom13: [as T'Gwen] I have recommended a relaxing spot --- the DMZ! >> Per Picard's recommendation, I have left young Szustakowski in Tom08: The brig. >> command of the Roanoke. Mike09: And the Kids' Crew Conspiracy takes control of yet another starship. Mike12: Wouldn't want to run the risk of having an adult in charge. Mike10: [singing again] Charlie says, "I love my Szustakowski." Charlie says, "It really rings the bell." Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> We are returning to Deep Space Nine with much >> to ponder. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Okay, crew, what if we "accidentally" set the transporter for maximum dispersion with Marrissa on the pad? Could we get away with it? Crow13: [as T'Gwen] Like, how'd we ever end up in such a rotten fanfic? Tom13: Why did Radford U ever give Stephen Ratliff access to the Internet? Mike13: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Tom12: Will John marry Jane? Will Susan tell Dan that the child is really David's? Tom08: Such as, just maybe, just possibly, WHY ARE YOU LEAVING LITTLE KIDS IN CHARGE OF A STARSHIP FOR A WHOLE WEEK?????? Mike08: Oh, Tom, try to just roll with it. Crow08: Yeah, you can't expect Ratliff to all of a sudden become logical or something.... >> >> Marrissa, Doctor Johnson, Ross and Kathy Lochard, and Lieutenant >> Lavelle were in Seven Slightly Starboard Crow06: ...seeming slightly sloshed! Mike02: Everytime I see that name, I crack up. Crow02: It's not that funny. Mike02: I never said I was laughing. >> playing poker. Crow10: Great, we're getting hand-me-down padding from Next Generation. Tom12: Marrissa was, of course, winning. Crow13: "Poker? I hardly even..." Mike13: We've done that joke enough. Really. >> "What I don't >> get is how the Maquis took the Fearless," Ross commented, dealing out Crow08: The exposition. >> the final cards. Tom13: And Ross was sad, for there were no more. Mike12: [as Ross] That's all the cards we have, so this will have to be the last hand. Mike10: I guess it'd be completely pointless to check the computer archives, bridge recorders, you know, all the stuff that gathers evidence for when we have any trial scene in a Trek story.... Tom06: All right, they're wrapping up the loose ends! We're almost done!!! Mike06: Sorry, Tommy ... this is a Ratliff story, not a murder mystery. >> "Your bid Lavelle." Tom08: [as Lavelle] I bid five plot points. >> "Five," Lavelle opened. "Their has to have been someone in their >> command crew who helped them." All08: [as entire crew] Oh, I can't believe we didn't spot that. Crow12: Maybe it was one of the kids. Crow10: It's them danged intellectuals, I tell you. Tom06: [as Ross] Everything's a big conspiracy to you! Next you're going to tell us that the moon landings were faked, right? >> "I'll see you and raise you 10," Kathy responded. Tom12: [as Lavelle] Of course you see me, I'm sitting right in front of you! >> "But all the Crow08: King's horses and all the king's men couldn't put this story together again. >> command crew sans the doctor were left behind. Crow13: Oh, Little Miss Kathy breaking out the French on us, eh? Mike13: [as Kathy] Pretentious? Moi? Mike10: You know, no one who's not speaking French or working in graphic design should say "sans." >> "So the doctor did it," Lavelle replied. Tom09: In the Conservatory. With a candlestick. Mike08: No, the butler did it. Don't these kids know anything?! Crow10: Or maybe their Kids' Crew ran amuck and started pushing buttons at random. >> "I don't think so," Doctor Johnson commented. "We don't have >> that much access. Mike10: I think Johnson's trying to compensate for his own inadequacies here. >> I fold." Crow08: Look! Origami! Crow12: Wow, the Doctor's bitter. >> "Then the agent stayed behind," Lavelle suggested. Mike09: And the cheese stands alone. >> "I'm going to have to shoot that one down, Sam," Marrissa said. All13: BLAM! Crow06: [as Sam] Marrissa, why do you always have to use your phaser to kill flies?! Tom02: [as Marrissa] I won't offer any data, but my simple assertion should be more than adequate. >> "See you and raise you twenty." >> "Too rich for me," Ross folded. "I have to agree with you on >> one point, Sam. Mike12: [as Ross] Kathy Ireland is hot! >> Someone had to have lots of clearance to pull that one >> off." Crow13: Could it be ... oh, let's see... All13: ADMIRAL ELLIS??? Mike10: Or maybe they just turned the computer off and on again and put their own boot disk in the drive.... >> "You mean they didn't just take her like they tried to do to the >> Roanoke," Kathy queried. >> "The ship was functioning too good for that to be the case," >> Ross stated. Mike06: Yeah, you can always tell a pirated ship by the way she handles. Crow10: I mean, unless they brought, like, tools along with them. Tom12: [as Ross] I speak English good. Tom08: Ross Bighunk evidently has a deep Brooklyn accent. Mike08: Queried? Stated? This isn't a story. It's a writing drill! >> "That's what I thought," Lavelle confirmed. "I'll see and raise >> 20." >> "I fold," Kathy responded. Tom08: Well, YOU must be popular. Mike07: They don't play cards; they all just fold until someone wins. >> "If not the command crew then who?" >> "I'll see your 20, Sam, and raise you 30," Marrissa called. Tom10: Is there really a point to betting when the money doesn't count for anything? >> "I >> have a couple suspicions on that." Tom12: I'm so shocked. Crow06: [as Marrissa] There's this couple I've been keeping my eye on for some time now.... Crow10: Kenneth Starr has started investigating *this* too. >> "Oh?" Sam Lavelle responded. "Who? Mike12: The sequel to "Q-Who"! >> I'll see you and raise you >> 40." >> "Admiral Ellis," Marrissa answered. All13: [bored monotone] Wow. We didn't see that one coming. Tom13: Obviously, Ratliff assumes his audience is as dim as his villains. >> "I see you and raise you >> 50." All02: [poking toungues out] Nyaah! Mike09: Geez, by now, the bet must be up to around a skajillion. Crow09: I'll see your skajillion and raise you a bazillion! Crow13: Does Ratliff even play poker? I've never seen anybody do raises like this. Mike13: Poetic license. Tom13: Ratliff's poetic license should have been revoked *long* ago. >> "Ellis? really Marrissa," Kathy remarked. Mike06: [as Kathy] I don't know what you see in that man! >> "Yeah, what have you got against him?" Ross asked. Tom06: The same thing Marrissa has against anyone who stands between her and power. Mike09: He defied her divine will and must die. Mike10: He's stood in the way of her plans for galactic domination. Crow04: [as Marrissa] He outranks me. That is sufficient. >> "I fold," Lavelle said. Tom06: I love the way Ratliff combines exposition with a really dramatic and exciting game of chance. >> Marrissa pulled in the pot and Tom06: Got out the rolling papers and roach clips. Mike13: Just let it all hang loose, you know, brother? Tom13: Spacey. Crow13: Groovy. >> replied, "He failed to send a >> rescue party to the Roanoke when Kerstin requested one." All13: AND? Tom13: That can't be her entire reasoning. Crow12: [as Marrissa] And he's really old. Mike09: See? Any time anyone tries to stand up to these kids, they're automatically marked for death. Tom09: Yep, Marrissa runs a tight rein on the Kiddie Nostra. >> "That sounds like a good enough reason," Doctor Johnson >> concurred. Mike06: Good enough reason to give the Admiral a commendation. Crow13: Yeah, nobody would expect a distress call from an 8-year-old to be a prank. Tom10: "Concurred." That's either redundant, or bad writing. What am I saying? [Meanwhile, Tom02 and Crow02 get on the floor and bang their heads again. This time, Mike02 joins them. After a few unison rounds of "I hate this story" ... well ... you know. Three muffled "pops" are heard, and they never return to their seats.] [Cambot's status screen returns. The incorrect digits are erased, and ] [the updated numbers are drawn in with magic-marker "squeak" sound ] [effects: ] [ Replicants destroyed: 21 ] [ Replicants remaining: 24 ] [ Fanfic status: 59% complete ] >> "Is anyone charging him?" Tom06: No, they're going to flank him. >> "I've asked the JAG office to look into the matter," Marrissa >> responded. Crow09: Fridays, on CBS! Mike07: Fridays, on CBS! Tom08: Oh, don't bring the cast of "JAG" into this. Tom04: Lt. Commander Harm Rabb, reporting for duty. Tom13: Just A Guess? Mike13: Jesters Always Giggle? Crow13: Jumpsuits Are Groovy? Tom13: What's with you and the word "groovy"? Mike10: [as Marrissa] But the Admiral at JAG told me I wasn't worth the effort and hung up on me, too. I'm sending assassins tomorrow night. >> "Well gentlemen, I've got Alpha shift tomorrow, so I'll be >> going now." Crow06: You need a scorecard to keep up with all the revelations in this scene. Marrissa is really Admiral Ellis, and now Kathy is apparently a guy! Crow13: [documentary-style] Here ve see ze Alpha shift fighting ze udder shifts for dominance of ze herd.... >> "Quitting while your ahead, I see," Ross Lochard stated. Mike08: [as Marrissa] Leave my ill-proportioned skull out of this. Tom10: She's now a severed head floating in a vat of nutrients, so Marrissa will be telepathically commanding starships for centuries to come! Tom09: Hey, he was Ross *Lockard* earlier. What gives? Crow09: Maybe he switched from the Marqui to the Maquis. Mike09: Just on Principal. Mike13: "I like Texas, Maine, and Michigan," Tom stated. Tom13: What? I never said that! Crow13: It's a "Tom Swiftie," Servo --- a form of humor lower than a pun. >> "Always, Lieutenant, first rule of tactics," Marrissa smiled. Mike04: And, coincidentally, the 1087th Rule of Acquisition. Crow10: Unless, of course, you're building up for a really cool, humongous explosion later on. Mike12: Actually the first rule of tactics is "Don't die." Tom08: I thought that was, "Shoot first, ask questions later." Mike08: No, it's "If it's stupid, but works, it isn't stupid." Crow08: You're both wrong. It's "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Mike08: Oh, yeah, I --- Tom08 & Mike08: HUH? >> "And don't get too loud tonight, my room is right on the other side of >> that wall." Mike04: Which was unfortunate due to the AC/DC concert scheduled for that night. Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'd hate to have to come in here and kick ass. Crow06: [as Marrissa] But don't talk too softly either, or I won't be able to listen in. Mike10: Because of Starfleet budget cuts, all starships are being built as cheap townhouse apartments. Tom07: Witty banter just doesn't get any better than this! >> >> Former Star Fleet Lieutenant Ro Laren sat in the brig of the >> Roanoke. She wondered why she always took the hard assignments. Mike08: She knew how much of a bitch Ratliff stories could be, but she kept coming back. Mike13: [as Jabberjaw] Yeeeah, how come I always get to do the doity work? Nyuk nyuk nyuk. >> Taking >> a Nebula class starship, who ever had put that on the assignment list >> must have been insane. Tom08: Yes, even terrorist revolutionary organizations have massive bureaucracy. Crow09: [as Ro] "Seize a starship," they said. What the heck was I thinking?!? Tom10: And then when she was given Chaz the Spaz as her project partner, she was just *so* ready to die. Crow13: Insane ... not unlike a certain unnamed author who wants to make a teenager the Fleet Admiral. Tom13: Geez, even Paul Atreides was older when *he* took over the galaxy. >> Never the less she had signed up for it. Bots07: And ... they're coming to take her away, ha ha! They're coming to take her away, ho ho.... Tom13: Never the less we must work to stamp out bad mis spell ings. Mike13: Great. Crow was installed with a Dirty Old Man chip, and Tom was installed with an Anal Retentive chip. Crow13: What's with him? Tom13: Chip envy. >> Now >> she was paying for it. Tom04: [as Ro] Put it on my tab. Tom08: $1000 up front and $100 a month for the next 15,000 years. Mike09: But thanks to Sam's Club, she was getting a substantial discount. Crow13: ...In three easy installments of only $19.95! Order today! >> On the eve of Maquis Independence, Crow07: "MI4." Tom10: ...By the shining, big sea-water.... >> here she sat Crow09: Broken-hearted. Tom09: Paid a dime... Mike09: Let's not get started! >> in the brig of a Star Fleet vessel. Tom09: Again! Crow08: But at least she didn't have to listen to Marrissa's ranting anymore. >> "You don't look like you're having fun," a young voice stated. Tom08: NOOOOOO! Crow10: This is one of those existential episodes of "The Twlight Zone," isn't it? Tom13: [as Ro] No, you're wrong, prison is *lots* of fun. Unlock that door, and I'll show you.... >> Standing outside her cell was a young girl in a red and blue >> Starfleet-like uniform. Ro wondered who it was. Mike08: Well, that makes ONE of us. Tom09: Around here? It's probably one of the elder gods. Crow10: [as Ro] Are you my conscience? Tom06: Gee, I wonder which Kid's Crew captain this could possibly be? Crow06: [as Kerstin] What's wrong, sad clown? Mike06: Look out, guys. I think this is about to turn into a remake of "Canned Heat." >> "No I'm not," Ro commented. Crow10: [as Ro] The web server in here screens out all the "adult" sites. Tom12: [sniffing] They took my Game Boy away from me. Mike06: [as Morrissey] Is it wrong to not always be glad? >> "It's a shame really," the girl responded. Crow12: [as Kerstin] Brigs can be lots of fun if you just have the right attitude. >> "You certainly >> seemed to be having fun yesterday." Crow06: [as Kerstin] Where's that fun-loving Ro I used to know? Mike06: [as Ro] Yeah, man! I'm in it for the kicks! Crow13: [as Ro] Oh, yeah, getting my butt kicked by a 4-year-old, nothing funner than that! Tom10: We were younger then, back then we were happy and innocent, wandering through the joys of life at each other's side. Now, you say you want "space" but complain of "distance." It's over. Admit it. >> "You mean when I tried to take over this ship," Ro replied. Mike12: No, I mean when you were playing shuffleboard. >> "That wasn't fun, that was duty." Tom13: [as Ro, breaking down] OK, I admit it! It was fun! Mike08: [as Ro] And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! >> "Who said it wasn't possible to do both?" the girl asked. >> "I've never been able to," Ro answered. Tom08: [as Ro] I'm repressed. >> "That's really a shame," the girl commented. Crow06: [as Kerstin] Here, I'm going to let you out, and this time try to steal my ship with more enthusiasm! >> "I've had fun >> almost every time I've been on duty. Mike08: [as Kerstin, brightly] Thank you, Prozac! Tom13: [as Kerstin] Those red pills really work! Tom06: [as Kerstin] Joyriding around the galaxy with hundreds of crew members to boss around ... weapons that can annihilate a planet at your fingertips ... life just doesn't get any more fun than that! >> Unless you count that Greiluse >> treaty. That gave me a headache." All07: Awww.... Mike12: And it had Excedrin written all over it. Crow13: [as Kerstin] So I threatened them all with a tire iron, and the headache went away! Tom09: [as Kerstin] Total Planetary Destruction is fun but it always gives me such sinus problems. Crow04: [as Kerstin] But Marrissa gave me these little pink pills, then *everything* was all right again. >> "Who are you anyway?" Ro inquired. >> "Kerstin Szustakowski, acting Captain," the girl informed. Mike04: [as Kerstin] And you are...? Tom04: [as Ro] Ro Laren, acting despondent. Mike10: [singing again] Charlie says, "I love my Szustakowski, more than any other candy that I love so well." Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> "I leave and Star Fleet goes to the kids," Ro grumbled. Crow06: Yeah, lucky for her she got out just before the horror began. >> "Shouldn't you be on the bridge or something?" Tom10: [as Ro] Seventh grade, maybe? Tom13: [as Ro] Shouldn't you be in NAP-NAP?? >> "No, it's Beta shift," Kerstin replied. Crow09: [as Kerstin] And all I have is VHS. >> "I'm doing my tour of >> the ship. Mike06: [as Kerstin] My next stop is at Engineering, and Weezer is going to open for me. Tickets are still available through Ticketmaster. >> It's been nice talking to you, Miss Ro." Crow06: [as Kerstin] ...But the gas chamber's all warmed up, and I'm afraid it's time to go. Have you had your last meal? >> The girl Captain >> walked off. Mike12: Yeah, Kerstin's having fun going into restricted areas and seeing what all the pretty flashing buttons do. Crow10: So ... Kids' Crew training teaches prospective officers to waste people's time? >> >> Captain T'Gwen Washington and Glinn Gusat sat in the Stargazer's >> ready room. Mike06: Ready for ... romance! Mike12: [falsetto] Are you ready yet? >> Already, the room was beginning to take on the personality >> of the half-Vulcan Captain. Tom10: It was bland and expressionless? Tom12: It was boring and condescending? Tom13: It was making illogical decisions, like leaving an inexperienced officer in charge of the ship? Mike08: Trust Ratliff to give the furniture at LEAST as much personality as his characters. >> A painting of the Vulcan's Forge graced one >> wall, Crow08: Get it? Vulcans? Forge? Get it? Huh? HUH? >> with the Captain's saber hung below it. Crow12: If you know what I mean. Crow06: Hey, Captain! How's the old saber hanging? Mike06 & Tom06: [groans] >> A copy of Decartes's La >> Geometrie sat under glass on a table. Tom04: A copy of Richard Feynman's "What In The Hell Is This Crap?" sat next to it. Tom09: Starfleet regulation # 7529-39-2C: All captains must have a huge 500-year-old book under glass in their ready rooms. >> A stand by the door had the >> traditional model of Washington's last command, the Miranda. Mike07: Complete with fruit hat. Tom07: Would that be Eric the Fruit Hat? Tom10: So ... her personality is just like Captain Picard's, only instead of "The Tempest" she refers to analytic geometry? >> "So Glinn, what do you think of the Stargazer now," Washington >> asked. Mike06: [as Gusat] I try not to. Crow08: [as Gusat] I think it's an unrealistic plot device. Tom12: [as Gusat] It should be destroyed. Tom13: [as Gusat] It's severely lacking in question marks. Don't you agree. >> "Where can Cardassia purchase one?" Glinn Gusat replied. Crow12: Price Club. Tom10: Oh, just contact some massive, bumbling counter-intelligence operation being run semi-legally from the Federation President's office. >> "I've >> never seen such a versatile vessel. Crow06: [as Gusat] And I've seen six! >> Fighters, those warp pair craft, >> and I've never seen such a large vessel corner so well." Mike09: Well, that's your rack-and-pinion steering, there. Mike12: Of course, if the road's wet, it's likely to turn over. Tom13: [as Gusat] It goes 0 to Warp 9.99 in 4.5 seconds, gets 30,000 light years per dilithium crystal, and even has a roomy interior! Mike13: [as Gusat] I really like those map pockets on the backs of the ensigns' chairs. Mike08: [as Gusat] And you pay such low monthly payments, with nothing down! Tom10: All engineering problems are easily overcome when you don't know anything about engineering. >> "Well, when the refitter has been around 150 years, he learns >> some things," Captain Washington remarked. Mike06: Although he retains very little of it. Crow13: Like how to perfect a fake Scottish accent. Tom10: [as T'Gwen] This week he learned that even though it makes you feel cooler, a light sprinkling of Gold Bond medicated powder on the engines is not an effective coolant. >> "Vulcan?" Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Yes, I know. Mike07: [as T'Gwen] Yes, I know. Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Only half, but thanks for asking. Crow13: [as T'Gwen] No, thanks, I just ate. >> "No, Admiral Scott's human," Washington replied. Mike06: [as T'Gwen] It's just that no other human wants to admit to that. >> "He spent a >> quarter of a century as Captain Kirk's Chief Engineer." Crow07: ...And half a century pickled in booze. Mike08: Fixing the stereotype of a drunken, brawling, bag-pipe-playing Scotsman in the minds of Trek fans forever. Mike10: [as T'Gwen] And he only got killed three times doing it. >> "James T. Kirk?" All04: [gasp] Mike12: Ah, no. It was Ted R. Kirk. Sorry to confuse you. >> "The same. Scott is a certified Tom08: Attempt to keep readers interested. >> genius. Mike08: He keeps his certificate with him at all times and shows it to everyone. Crow04: [as T'Gwen] And he speaks an incomprehensible Celtic dialect known as "SheCannaTeekMuchMooreA'Thees!" Tom13: Oh, yeah, he doubles his estimated repair times to appear efficient. Some genius. >> He's spent the last >> couple years figuring out how to upgrade our older starships. Crow10: [as T'Gwen] His most recent idea is to fill all the corridors below "C" deck with cottage cheese. Poor man, there ought to be some kind of medication he can take. >> "He did >> such a good job converting the Constellation class into the Stargazer >> class that they're thinking of giving him the Nova Class project." Tom06: [as T'Gwen] ...Which will count for 25% of his final grade. Tom10: Like that project won't blow up in his face? Tom08: Project so named because of what we expect them to resemble when they start their engines. Crow09: Bearing in mind, of course, that "Nova" is Spanish for "doesn't go". >> "Shouldn't he be retiring soon?" Mike06: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, it's almost his bedtime.... >> "He did once. Reportably he couldn't stand it." Tom04: Ratliff's Adverb-O-Matic strikes again! Tom13: My thoughts exactly about this story. Tom12: Thank you, Ratliff, for making us laugh about *you* again. Crow10: It turned out the line, "Hey, I'm a retired Admiral of Engineering who's spent forty years getting irradiated by warp engines and transporter coils" wasn't as effective a babe magnet as he'd hoped.... Mike09: [as T'Gwen] He wound up hawking Frosted Cheerios --- very sad. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine" >> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9 Mike12: That's about how I feel right now. Crow08: Stephen, you've already had just about enough. Tom09: Half man, half dog --- it's BENJI-MAN! [cut to commercials] From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 5/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142442@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256838018 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 5/6 =============================== [return from commercials] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 9 >> Date: 29 Oct 1996 14:07:47 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 195 >> Message-ID: <55533j$c...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Premier Maquis Crow08: The "S" is back! >> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> part 9, serialized weekly Tom06: With just as many contrived plot devices as the other weekly serials you know and love. Crow13: Shouldn't that be "weakly"? Heh heh heh ... NURSE! >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"? Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before. Mike08: So if I try to find a plot in this story, Stephen Ratliff will put me out of my misery? Tom08: It'd be only fair. >> >> Chapter Eight Tom12: The Quickening. Tom13: The Day I Went Mad. Tom07: Three Men and a Little Premier Maquis. >> >> Captain's Log >> Deep Space Nine >> Captain Benjamin Sisko recording >> The Stargazer has arrived towing the Roanoke. Apparently, the >> Maquis tired to capture the Roanoke. Mike06: [as Sisko] They made a good attempt, but then they got tired and quit. Mike10: [yawning] Yep... they tired so very hard.... [yawn] Now they need sleep. Mike12: [as Sisko] Or something like that. Marrissa gave the report and I fell asleep three times. >> I am happy to report that due to >> the efforts of the Stargazer and the Kid's Crew of the Roanoke, they Tom04: Were portrayed as marginally more intelligent than the usual evil-but-stupid villains in these fanfics. >> failed. Mike08: They were just so confused by the kids' jumping around and cavorting that they had no idea what to do. Tom09: Sisko's praise of the Kids' Crew regime insures he will keep his job come the New Galactic Order. Mike13: Better to have invaded and lost than to never have invaded at all. Tom13: That would almost sound wise, if I had any idea what the heck it meant. >> As a result of this attempt, several Maquis have been captured. Crow12: Thanks to Marrissa, even more have been killed. Crow06: [as Sisko] Many more were killed, but they're irrelevant. >> They include a former Bajoran Star Fleet Officer, Ro Laren. This Ro Crow09: ...Followed by the next row, and then so on until we've all had a chance to see. Crow13: ...As opposed to this other Ro who just kind of sat in the back and didn't say much. All07: [singing] ...Is bound for glory, this Ro.... >> defected from the Enterprise three years ago Tom04: [as Sisko] And this little Ro stayed home... and this little Ro had roast beef.... >> at the rank of Lieutenant. >> At the time she was part of an attempt to infiltrate the Maquis. Mike12: Guess she did too good a job, huh? Crow07: These Starfleet schemes always go so well. >> Then Captain Jean-Luc Picard noted that he held himself partly to blame Mike08: ...For the ratings slump. >> in her file. She will be brought before a court-martial. Crow08: Oh, boy. We're going from dull, pointless space battle to dull, pointless courtroom drama. Mike08: How will we tell the difference? Tom08: One of them has involved or will involve starships. Crow08: Really? Which one? I've lost track. >> >> Marrissa was walking down the promenade when she heard a >> familiar voice from behind her. Tom12: Marrissa, it's your conscience again. Why do you keep ignoring me? Crow10: It's the voice of the hedgehog in the pet shop there, commanding her to do more evil. Tom09: [raspy] Remember me, Marrissa? Stardate 45682.2, Cardassia. If you're going to set out to kill a Cardassian, Marrissa, you'd better make sure you finish the job! Tom13: [singing] I love you, you love me.... [Mike13 and Crow13 both scream.] Mike13: Don't *do* that! >> "Too busy to even stop and chat with >> an old friend?" Crow09: [as Marrissa] Of course I am! I'm Princess Fighter-Commander Captain Admiral Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Banana Fana-Fo-Shirley the Third! >> Marrissa spun around looking for the owner of the voice. Mike10: [as Marrissa] I have friends? >> She spotted the blond teenager Tom10: Star Trek: The Blond Generation. >> sitting at a table in the Replimat which >> she had just been going past. Mike09: Edward Furlong, no! >> "Come over and join me," Jay Gordon >> asked. "I know you haven't had dinner yet." Tom08: [as Jay] There are no strawberry stains on your chin. Tom07: [as Jay] It's a plot convenience, you see. Crow10: He's been building up for his Stalker merit badge. >> "Jay, what are you doing here?" Marrissa inquired, as she sat >> down across from Jay. Tom08: [as Jay] Taking up space. Crow08: [as Jay] Fulfilling a contractual obligation. Tom09: Didn't they get married, or something? Mike09: Who could tell? Crow09: Who could care? >> "Captain Sisko asked for some back-up, after the Maquis declared >> independence," Jay informed. "Star Fleet sent him the Independence. All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaah. Tom12: Oh, the irony! Mike09: Because we all know that even the Maquis can't stand up to the power of the Kids' Crew. Crow09: *Da-da-da-da-da-daaa*! Puppy ... Power! Tom09: Crow, if you ever do that again, I swear I'll *make* my arms become functional by sheer force of will and rip your beak off! >> Since we've been out on exploratory missions, we haven't had much shore >> leave. Crow09: Hey!! Mike09: I gotta go with Tom on that, too, Crow. >> So Captain Morris authorized some when we came into port." Crow08: [as Jay] And it's a good thing! I'm... Mike08: Don't even think about it. Crow08: ...Really anxious to take in the beauty and culture that is Bajor. Mike08: That's better. Crow09: Ah, c'mon, gimme a break, Nelson. Mike09: Sorry, but even in this context, Scrappy-Doo is just plain wrong. Tom09: And on so many different levels! Mike10: Well, I'm sure Captain Sisko feels much more secure with his "back-up" ship's crew getting drunk and spending weeks in Quark's holosuites. >> "I see you got your full Lieutenancy," Marrissa observed. "What Tom08: ...was Starfleet THINKING? >> did you have to do to get it?" Mike08: Take the high road here as well, Crow. Crow08: Waaaay ahead of you, Mike. Crow04: [as Jay, cheerfully] Just assassinate a few people... that's all. Mike09: [as Jay] The usual --- humiliate my superiors, wipe out a few alien races, display an utter lack of believable human emotion or interactions.... >> "You're looking at the Independence's new Chief of Operations," >> Jay beamed. Crow04: ...himself into deep space, where he asphyxiated. Crow12: ...himself into space, thereby ending this scene. Mike06: [as Marrissa] That's nice, Jay... now do you think you could get around to answering my question?! Mike13: Obviously the position no longer requires experience or training. >> "I thought that was your father's position," Marrissa commented. Tom12: [as Jay] No, he prefers it-- Crow12: [as Jay, simultaneously] No, that was mi-- Mike12: NO!! [Mike12 grabs Tom12 and Crow12 and crashes their heads together.] Mike06: [as Jay] It was. I've been studying with Klingons though, so I killed him. Tom08: [as Jay] He was obsolete. I replaced him, as all young people will replace the old and decrepit. [Unfortunately, factory specs on Tom12 and Crow12 didn't allow for such treatment. Mike12's censorial act was his final act.] [This time, Cambot shows hash marks in place of digits. Three hash ] [marks from the first line fall over, then drop into the ] [second line: ] [ Replicants remaining: ||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| | ] [ Replicants destroyed: ||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| |||| ] [ Fanfic status: 66% complete ] >> "He got bumped up to First Officer," Jay said, smiling. "We >> were out of range of replacements, Mike10: I have a hard time believing Starfleet was all used up. Tom13: Starfleet only having several MILLION to choose from. >> so Captain Morris appointed me. Mike08: Conveniently. Tom07: Yes, nepotism is an Equal Opportunity Employer. >> Why >> me I have no idea, Crow10: Join the club. Crow09: It was the cadre of teenagers with class-2 phasers that did it. >> after all I'm leaving for the Academy in six months." Mike04: You're a teenager. *Obviously* you're the most highly qualified. Crow13: *I'd* certainly promote somebody to Chief of Operations who hadn't even been *trained* yet. Yep, that's what they call me --- Captain "No Experience Necessary" Morris. Promotions to the underqualified.... Mike13: OK, Crow, enough. It's really not unlike modern corporations, when you think about it. >> "Because Jay, you're good at organization, that's why I made you >> my number one back in the Enterprise's Kid's Crew," Marrissa said. Crow08: [as Jay] So it wasn't the bootlicking? Tom08: [as Marrissa] Well, maybe just a little. Tom13: Oh, admit it. He bribed you with strawberries. Crow13: [as Marrissa, breaking down] I admit it! I'm weak... so... weak.... [sobs] >> "Speaking of the Kid's Crew on the old Enterprise, how is Clara >> doing in command?" Jay asked. Mike09: [as Marrissa] Oh, she's just kind of falling into it. Tom09: Once again --- foreshadowing, kiddies, foreshadowing. Mike08: [as Marrissa] She's drinking heavily and she spends all her days off in a corner of her room. Why? Mike13: [as Marrissa] Lousy. She hasn't destroyed a single planet, and her death count is *still* in double digits. Mike06: [as Marrissa] Sure, yeah, *Clara* gets to be in command on the flagship where *I* used to be... just rub *that* in my face why don't you.... >> "My father left her and the Kid's Crew in command while he went >> to talk to Admiral Necheyev on Starbase 12," Marrissa began. "You know, >> low risk watch, not much chance of trouble." All08: Suuuuuuuuuure there is. >> "You mean the kind of watch that Kid's Crew Captains turn into >> great adventures?" Jay said. Tom06: You mean the kind of watch that gives Ratliff the chance to mangle the English language into forms not intended by nature to form a tortured, wooden, pitiful excuse for a short story? Crow09: Sure, those Kid's Crew Captains are responsible for uncounted deaths, short-circuiting the chain of command at will, and humiliating seasoned officers and diplomats, but as long as it's an *adventure* --- well, what the heck? Crow08: And someday, we may indeed get to read some of those great adventures. Mike08: In the meantime, here's the end of this rotten old Ratliff story.... >> "Usually beginning with an attack by some >> enemy of the Federation." Crow13: And ending in a horrible bloodbath. Mike07: Wait a minute, is that sly, self-deprecatory humor on Ratliff's part? All07: ...Nah! >> "You've heard this story before," Marrissa accused. All09: Yeah, pretty much. Mike08: Even MARRISSA'S tired of these fanfics! Tom06: So why did he ask to hear it again?! Mike06: He thought the audience would be interested in it. We're not. Tom10: Okay, when Ratliff starts getting metatextual, it's time to bail out. >> "The >> Romulans sent their annual attempt to destroy a starship toward Starbase >> 12 this year." Crow08: They topped it off with a pie-eating contest and tried to fit their entire command crew in a phone booth. It's really become quite the event! Tom13: Those crazy Romulans! They fall for the same gag every year. Mike10: Why do the Romulans do this? So if the Federation ever wants to declare war they'll have a fresh atrocity to use as justification? >> "So how did Clara do?" Jay asked. Tom10: [as Marrissa] We're having the memorial services next week. Mike09: [as Marrissa] She beat them to the punch by destroying her starship first. Boyoboy, were those Romulans ever red in the face! >> "Quite well, much to her surprise," Marrissa mused. "She neatly >> clipped off the engines of the Warbird and captured it." Mike06: [as Marrissa] Everyone thought she was crazy for fitting the Enterprise with a pair of giant scissors, but look how well they worked! Tom04: [giddily] One just might say, methinks, that she has clipped the Warbird's wings! Oh, joy! Tom13: But she released it in the wild when it wouldn't take food from her hand. >> "So is she still claiming that she's an Engineer, not a Starship >> Commander?" Jay inquired. Tom08: Strangely, the engineer says exactly the reverse. Tom06: [as Marrissa] Actually, now she's claiming to be the next incarnation of the Messiah. That girl really needs help! >> "Of course," Marrissa confirmed. "Not that anyone believes that >> Engineering is her only talent after that performance." All04: [as Master Thespian] Acting! Mike13: That was Clara Sutter in the Enterprise adaptation of Wuthering Heights. Crow08: Now, they believe her real specialty lies in cheap theatrics and needless posturing. Crow10: [as Marrissa] These foolish people, wanting to do what they're happy doing, instead of joining the Super-Fast Command Track. >> "I hope not," Jay responded. "So how are you doing?" Mike08: [as Marrissa] Well, I get three hours of nightmare-filled sleep each night, and I've started to hear the voices and see the faces of all the people who died because of me, and I'm tasting metal. You? >> "Let's see, my department is a nightmare, Mike06: Yes, it's Marrissa's department, we can take that as a given. Tom08: That must be her department. I know she gives *me* nightmares. >> Cardassian personnel >> feuding with Star Fleet personnel. Mike09: Well, so far, it's been kind of a quiet, low-level, polite feud. Crow09: [as Marrissa] But I'm working on turning it into a full-scale border incident. >> My quarters are next to the ship's >> bar, Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I suppose I took excessive advantage of that.... >> which means I hear all of the bar fights, Tom10: Apparently, starships are designed by Boston's civil engineers. >> and the Stargazer seems >> to have attracted all the prerequisites for them. Crow09: You mean, a bar? Tom08: [as Marrissa] In short, me! Mike08: Nothing like Academy-trained officers getting piss drunk and beating each other with furniture until they bleed to further Starfleet's reputation for decorum and discipline. >> To make matters >> worse, I've been assigned the defense of former Star Fleet Officer >> turned Maquis," Marrissa listed. Crow06: ...to port. Tom04: And, amusingly enough, after guzzling a bottle of port, Marrissa always listed to starboard. Tom13: Starfleet figures the prosecution will have an easier time if the defendant's lawyer had no legal training. Mike08: Yes, have the teenaged girl who defeated you and brought you to justice defend you in court-martial. THAT'S a GUARANTEED fair trial! Tom09: [as Marrissa] But the worst thing is, I haven't blown up a ship in days! >> "Would that be Ro Laren?" Jay asked. Mike13: Let's not jump to conclusions. Crow13: Hey! Ratliff took *our* line! >> "It would," Marrissa confirmed. Crow08: Oh, good. I thought it was some OTHER former Starfleet officer turned Maquis. Tom08: What about Eddington? Mike08: Oh, they're just gonna shoot him. Tom09: Oh, great, in addition to everything else, she's suddenly Joanie Cochrane! >> "Perhaps I can help," Jay remarked. "Since I've become Chief of >> Operations, I've defended four people." Tom10: Apparently he's aboard the U.S.S. Rikers Island. >> "How good are you?" Marrissa inquired. >> "I'm four for four," Jay smiled. Mike09: Two-thirds of the Beast. Mike04: Uh, is that supposed to be some sort of innuendo? Crow06: [as Jay] Yep, sent 'em to the electric chair, all four. Crow10: [as Jay] They all shot themselves in their cells before the trial was over. >> >> Lieutenant Ro Laren sat back against the wall of her cell on >> Deep Space Nine. Tom06: Whoa! That's a harsh punishment. How is she surviving out there? Crow06: I think he meant "in" or "at" Deep Space Nine, Tom.... Tom08: WHICH wall?! Why do you leave out the DETAILS, Ratliff? >> Her knees bent, with an arm causally resting on it, Tom04: Her eyes glazed and uncomprehending. Mike07: Her head at a twenty-degree tilt, her feet on the ground and her head in the clouds.... Mike08: So there's a causal link between her arm and whatever "it" is that she's resting it on? Crow08: Yeah, but we won't know what link unless the author deigns to reveal which arm. Mike08: I say! Tom13: [announcer voice] The Surgeon General has found a causal relationship between arm resting and terrorist behavior. >> she contemplated her fate. Crow06: Why was she thinking about "Manos" at a time like this? Tom06: They probably use it as punishment when the prisoners break the rules. >> She hoped they had got the west wing air >> conditioned ... it was rather likely that she would be spending some >> time in prison. Tom08: Strangely, this excited her. Mike13: Please, no women-in-prison jokes. Crow13: Aw, come on, wouldn't you like to see Ro Laren knife fighting while wearing only a smock? Hubba hubba! [Mike13 just shakes his head.] Crow10: What, for desertion, attacking a Starfleet ship, and engaging in chemical warfare against the crew? Not a chance! >> After all she was being court-martialed for attempted >> take over of a starship Tom06: There's this word called "piracy," Ratliff. Consider using it. >> and numerous other things she had done as a >> Maquis. Mike10: Like violating "Curb your dog" regulations. Tom13: That hair remover in the shower head was a really mean trick. >> As she mused over this, a young blond lady entered in a red Star >> Fleet uniform. Crow10: This story's like the skills test a big newspaper would give a prospective copy editor, isn't it? >> "Ro Laren?" the blond inquired. Mike09: Well, just once, in college, and I couldn't walk for a week after. Crow09: [rim shot] Mike13: [thick Austrian accent] Are you Sarah Conner? Crow10: How many other people are supposed to be in the brig, at the moment? >> "Yes?" Ro replied >> "I'm Marrissa Picard, Crow04: [falsetto] I'll be your deity for this evening. >> I'll be your defense attorney," she >> replied. Tom13: [as Ro] Kill me. Kill me now. Tom08: [as Ro] Oh, just SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW! Crow09: [as Ro] That's nice. Please, go ahead and shoot me now! Tom06: [as Ro] Oh, just give me a rope, let me hang myself right now and speed things up.... Tom10: So we can take it that Starfleet has no equivalent to the right to a competent attorney? >> "I remember you," Ro commented. Mike06: [as Ro] Much as I've tried to forget.... >> "You're the girl that got the >> Ensign's rank at age 12. I know some non-coms that didn't like that." Crow13: [as Ro] Funny, they all had fatal "accidents" soon after. Mike10: Also some officers... and some more non-coms... and a whole bunch of other officers... and everyone else in the Galaxy.... Crow06: See? Even non-competents know that it's wrong. Tom06: Uh, Crow, that's not what it means... not that what you said is wrong, mind you. >> "I know," Marrissa responded. "There are even a couple officers >> who are resenting the speed at which I've been promoted. Tom09: Gee, ya think? Crow08: Losers and fools. Tom10: I'm getting a strange feeling here.... >> Never mind the >> fact that I've protested them all, All13: [snicker snicker] >> with the exception of this last one >> to Lieutenant Commander." Crow10: Oh, yeah, I'm *sure*.... Mike13: [falsetto] Please, B'rer Starfleet, don't PROMOTE me! Tom06: Methinks the lady doth not protest enough.... Mike08: Yeah, protest every promotion, folks. It's good for your career. Really! >> "They put you on the fast track," Ro smiled. Crow06: Can they put her on an electromagnetic rail gun instead? >> "I've been on it, >> twice. Its not easy is it?" Crow13: [as Marrissa] Well, once you silence the dissenters, it gets much easier. >> "No, sometimes I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass," >> Marrissa stated. Mike04: Unfortunately, it's not focusing light rays on her. Mike09: Just ignore the tightly focused beam of light.... Tom06: Ooh, somebody's trying to use the sun's rays to set Marrissa on fire! Can I watch? Tom10: [as Marrissa] Other times I feel like I'm this gerbil, in a habitrail maze the size of a largish shopping mall's parking lot, under surveillance by the great pinball gods of Chicago. You know? >> "And if you make the slightest error ..." Mike08: Forget to put your toys away... Tom13: You core dump! Heh heh... just some computer weenie humor.... [trails off, mumbling] >> "They jump on you like a two year does with a spider on a >> sidewalk," Ro finished. All06: Eeewwwwwww! Tom09: Well, sure, I can --- HUH?!? Crow04: A two-year *what*? Mike13: And *you* make analogies like a mushroom in a vacuum. Crow10: You know, in that century, what looks like a spider on the sidewalk may actually be the ambassador from Deljirath VII. >> "Just be glad you haven't wound up in prison >> yet." Tom13: Think there's a chance of that? Mike13: What do you think? Mike06: [as Marrissa] Oh, I've got that pesky little war crimes tribunal in my pocket too. >> "Do I sense a defeatist attitude?" Marrissa asked. Tom10: [babying voice] Aw, you're gonna make just the kyoootiest widdle pwisonew on death row! Yes you are! Yes you are! >> "I shouldn't >> be, Crow09: ...In a Starfleet uniform at all, yes, we know. >> after all I believe I can get you off." All08: NOoOOOOoooOO! All09: [clear their throats very loudly] >> Ro laughed, "Right." Mike06: [as Bill Cosby] Am I on Candid Camera? How're you going to do it? >> "Right," Marrissa replied. Tom13: Right. Crow13: Right. Mike13: Right. >> "After all, you can't be >> court-martialed in an organization which Mike07: [as Marrissa] ...I've already destroyed. >> you were not a part of at the >> time of the crime." Mike04: [imitates Ro smacking her forehead] Crow10: Yeah. And you know you can't pay off a thirty dollar debt entirely in U.S. dimes that were minted before 1965? No fooling! Tom13: Not part of... she was AWOL!! You can't get off an AWOL with "I wasn't part of the organization"! >> "You're serious aren't you," Ro commented. >> "My father considered your message to then Commander Riker Mike04: [as Marrissa] ...A really lousy come-on line. But with Riker, it worked anyway. >> as a >> resignation," Marrissa informed. Tom10: Marrissa's a tattle-tale. Tom06: [as Marrissa] And, of course, what my father thinks forms the basis for all legal precedent. Crow13: Oh, well, if a captain says so, then all of Starfleet must agree. >> "That takes care of all but the charge >> of sabotaging a mission. Tom08: May I suggest the Twinkie Defense? Mike13: Right. The fact that you gassed 1,000 people and invaded a starship is no problem. >> Unfortunately, that mission was classified, Mike10: [as Marrissa] So maybe I should close the front door before I talk about it... nah. >> I've got the details due to my level 15 clearance. Tom04: [as Marrissa] I've increased one level of clearance every year since birth. I'd scarcely learned to read when I caused my first diplomatic gaffe! Tom10: [as Marrissa] Oh, did I mention that I'm vastly superior to you and, for that matter, everyone you've ever known, in every way? I know I haven't, I was just being polite, as a show of my mastery of everything. >> Unfortunately, >> Captain Sisko, the chair of the court, only has level 10. He can't Tom06: [as Marrissa] ...Compare to my greatness. >> get >> to it." Tom07: [as Marrissa] I, of course, am so all-around wonderful. Mike06: [as Marrissa] So I'm going to take Sisko's place as the chair of the court. After all, who else is better qualified? Mike09: So, the court is withholding evidence from --- the judge? Mike10: And if they got a judge qualified to hear the case, they'd have to give up three plot contrivances in the Courtroom Chapter, so.... Tom13: Of course not! Why would you let the *judge* have access to *vital* trial information? Sheesh, even the American military isn't *this* incompetent. Tom08: Folks, the judge of a military case would ALWAYS have access to the evidence. This dose of reality brought to you by the Society to Keep the Universe from Imploding. >> "How did you get level 15 clearance?" Ro asked. "That's usually >> associated with a full Admiral's rank!" Tom08: Yeah, but they give out the decoder rings in boxes of Ensign Crunch. Tom09: [as The Brain] Oh, you must not have heard. Let me tell you about my plans to TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Tom06: Ro doesn't understand that this is Ratliff's world, where a Kid's Crew member automatically receives a clearance number equal to his or her age and ascends rapidly through the ranks from there.... >> "The clearance is federation wide clearance," Marrissa stated. >> "Star Fleet Clearance is a yes or no question. Crow09: Yes! No! Uh-h-h-h-h, maybe! Waitwaitwait.... >> As an officer, I've got Crow08: Rhythm. I've got music. Well, really, who could ask for anything more? >> Star Fleet clearance. Mike06: [as Marrissa] ...And a 15% discount on all Starfleet merchandise. Mike10: [as Ro] ...Yes, this is all fascinating... thank you... have you heard the term "to make a long story short," please? >> As the next in line to be head of state of a >> member planet, or heir to Essex, Tom07: [as Marrissa] ...One or the other.... >> I've got the level 15. Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because I've got the cheat codes for this universe, I can get to whatever level I want to from there! >> It's a weakness >> of the system." Crow09: It's a weakness of the story! Mike04: I'll say. Tom04: I'll say *something*... once I figure out what in the hell that's all supposed to mean. Tom06 : Weakness? Of the *system*? In a *Ratliff* story?! Say it ain't so!!! Mike06: Weakness of the writing is more like it.... Tom13: Yes, folks, National Security gets *worse* in the future. Tom10: Heh, Marrissa bragging about the privileges of her vastly more interesting existence while *you're* in the legal battle of your life is wacky fun, isn't it? Tom08: Huh. After that exposition, I'm actually MORE confused than before. >> "So, Commander, have you done this before?" Ro inquired, >> smiling. All06: BWOW-ka-chicka-chicka-BWOW-WOW! Crow08: [as Marrissa] I'm usually not that kind of girl! >> "No, not as defense counsel," Marrissa replied. "Usually I >> serve on the other side of the gavel." Crow10: She's usually the desk? Mike13: *Judge* Marrissa? Tom13: But of course! >> "Who else is on the court?" Ro asked. Mike04: Will our next mystery guests COME ON DOWN. >> "Lieutenant Julian Bashir and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle," >> Marrissa responded. Tom13: [as Bashir] Dammit, Sisko, I'm a doctor, not a lawyer! Mike13: All that personnel and no legal department. Amazing. >> >> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was talking to her sister, Virginia >> Szustakowski, Tom04: Everyone's related to everyone else in this universe. What is this, "Twin Peaks"? Mike04: No, this is all far too absurd and nonsensical to be "Twin Peaks." >> the new Chief Engineer of the Stargazer, at Deep Space >> Nine's Replimat. Crow10: Come on down to the Exposition Bar and Grill! >> "You'll enjoy Commander Picard, Gina" Kathy commented. All06: Saaaaaay! Mike08: She's light and tender, with a delicate smoked flavor. >> "She hasn't lost that child's sense of fun. Mike13: ...That psychotic rage, that all-consuming lust for power.... Tom09: Blowing up defenseless enemy ships... Mike09: Assuming the throne of cowering planets... Crow09: Bullying around people with decades more experience... All09: It's FUN!!! >> One word of warning, >> though, don't call her, Risa. Tom04: Don't, punctuate, Ratliff, Crow06: [as Gina] Okay, I won't telephone her, but my name's not Risa. Tom13: [as Gina] My name's not Risa. Mike13: Tom, sometimes, I, think you, are too, concerned about, punctuation. Crow13: Thank you, Mr. Shatner. >> Ross keeps making that mistake and ending >> up with strawberry juice all over his uniform and hair." Crow10: 'Cause bullying never stops being fun, does it? Mike06: [as Kathy] That happens to Ross a *lot*. I'm starting to think that he *likes* that kind of treatment.... >> "Sounds like fun," Virginia replied. "The second on the >> Fearless was pure terror. Tom13: Rush Limbaugh? Mike13: Suzanne Sommers? Crow13: Pauly Shore? [All13 shudder.] Crow10: Ha! Get it?! Fearless! Terror! Ha! I'm outta here, folks, you've been a great audience.... Crow09: See, he was a terror, on the Fearless, y'see, and --- and --- LAUGH!! IT'S FUNNY, I TELL YOU!! LAUGH!! LAUGH!! >> You never knew what he was going to complain >> about next." Mike08: Although the dialogue and premise were VERY high on his list most of the time. >> As she said this, Gina noticed her youngest sister, Mike10: [as Gina] Oh, hi! Finally got born, huh? Well, here's your Assistant Transporter Chief certification exam, get to it. >> Kerstin coming towards them. All08: RUN!! Tom13: Who would name their kid "Kerstin coming towards them"? Mike13: Lay off, Servo. When you write a grammar-perfect piece of fan fiction, then you can complain. Tom13: Ah, excuse me, I have better taste than to write *any* kind of fan fiction. >> "Oh, here comes Kerstin the cursed >> Captain." Mike09: [singing] Lived by the sea... Tom09: [singing] And took away her mom's command... All09: [singing] On a ship called Hona-Lee. Crow06: Cursed to follow in Marrissa's footsteps, that's our Kerstin.... Crow13: Cursed because she had to wait until she was seven before she made captain? Tom07: This sentence has been brought to you by the American Alliteration Association. >> "Don't let her hear you say that," Kathy said. "She's been >> known to beat people up for that." Crow06: See? What'd I tell you? Crow08: So basically, the best Starfleet officers pick one petty thing to be sensitive about, and when someone trips over it, they go off. Tom08: Pretty much. Tom09: So they just let a 12-year-old go around assaulting people? Crow09: Remember, she's Kids' Crew --- they're immune from prosecution. >> "Someone mention my nickname?" Kerstin stated from behind Kathy. Mike08: [as Kathy] GAAA! Don't EVER do that! >> Kathy blushed. Mike09: [as Kathy] Don't hurt me!! >> "Don't worry, I know it was used in a good way. I'd >> rather you call me that than having Mom." All04: Ummm.... Crow13: Isn't that biologically impossible? Tom08: Whoa! That's not the way you wanted to say that, Ratliff. Mike06: "Having" Mom? Is that anything like having a baby? Tom06: Now *there's* a twisted genealogy. Crow06: Maybe Ratliff's universe is like Mork's world where the babies are born at middle age and look younger as they get older? *That* would explain a lot. Mike10: Her mom teases her? These families sure know how to have dysfunctions! >> "How is Mother," Gina asked. Crow08: She's stoned out of her gourd. Why do you ask? Mike13: [as Kerstin] Dead. She was no good to us, being an adult and all. >> "She's been relieved of duty for the next week," Kerstin >> informed. Crow09: [as Kerstin] They've got her drugged up and on the bus to the country with Hal Holbrook and Shelley Winters. Mike09: I think you've hit on something, Crow. Crow09: What, that Marrissa is the reincarnation of Max Frost? We figured that out two or three stories ago. Tom09: Yeah, get with the program, Nelson. Mike08: You know, there's nothing wrong with just using the words "answered" or "said" every so often, Stephen. >> "Doctor Johnson of the Stargazer wants her to have time to >> recover. Tom10: Those crazy medical officers with their weird priorities. Mike08: [singing] Doctor Johnson, gimme the news, I got a bad fanfic to get through.... >> She's already tried to have Doctor Bashir overrule him. >> Apparently Bashir had been informed that she would try." >> "I told Johnson," Kathy responded. "But don't tell Mom." Crow08: Don't tell Mom the story's dead. >> "Don't tell me what?" Captain Mary Szustakowski asked, >> approaching with her four remaining daughters. All08: GAAHHH! DON'T _DO_ THAT! Mike10: Boy, the Replimat is *the* happening place for awkward moments to hang out. Tom13: [as Kathy] We're doing this big surprise birthday thing... oh rats. Tom07: So Kerstin's the *seventh* daughter? Doesn't legend say she'll have witching powers or something? Mike07: Why am I not surprised. Crow07: Creepy. Mike04: Does anyone have a blank pedigree chart handy? I'd better write some of this down.... Crow09: Oh, I'm starting to get that "Manos" feeling. Tom09: At least they're not wearing nighties. >> "Mom, you were supposed to be resting in your quarters," Kerstin >> stated. Tom06: [as Kerstin] Go to bed, old woman! Tom07: [as Kerstin] Come on, how are we supposed to gossip about you behind your back? Tom08: [as Captain Mary] Well, I had some spare time, so I thought I'd have a few more babies. Nothing beats Starfleet Day Care. >> "I couldn't stand it, so I decided to do a little shopping," >> Mary replied, gesturing to her daughters who where carrying various >> packages. Crow10: [as Mary] See? I bought four more children. Tom09: Oh, I see --- they're women, so of course they love to shop. Mike09: Cutting edge humor unlike anything since "Blondie"! >> "Well at least you got someone to carry the packages," Virginia >> commented. Crow06: [as Virginia] Last time you kicked the packages all the way down the halls to your quarters and broke everything. Tom10: So, Mike, if they don't have money in the Star Trek universe... Mike10: Yes? Tom10: And their replicators can create any product they have on file... Mike10: Yes? Tom10: And the holodeck can create anything they don't have on file but can imagine... Mike10: Yes...? Tom10: Can I have two pence for a chocolate eclair? Mike10: No, Penfold, you cannot. >> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously. Crow08: [as Kathy] You look all old and stuff. >> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?" Mike13: [as Kerstin] Well... just the understudy, really; why do you ask? Tom08: Man, this proofreader misses more bad shots than Ottawa's third-string goalie. Tom06: THERE ARE RULES ABOUT THE USE OF APOSTROPHES! YOUR, YOU'RE! THERE, THEY'RE, THEIR!! YOUR, YOU'RE!! THERE, THEY'RE, THEIR!! FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GET IT RIGHT, RATLIFF!!!! [breaks down sobbing] Mike06: Feel better now, Tom? Tom06: No, Mike, I do not. >> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied. Crow09: [as Kathy] Let's take it for a joyride and buzz the Klingons. It'll be cool! >> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys, Tom10: [as Kathy] ...Kill her. >> try the brig," Kathy >> said. "She is not going to get well shopping on DS9. Tom13: THAT's for sure. You ever seen the prices in that place? Holy smokes! Mike13: Yeah, and the food court just has a sleazy sushi bar and a Chick-Fil-A. Tom10: She's already bought enough Random Stuff to last her through three complete redesigns of the Starfleet uniforms. Mike10: Oh, only two weeks' worth? >> Mom, I haven't >> seen you this pale since right after you Tom08: [as Kathy] ...Watched the last episode of "Voyager." >> fought that Cardassian in >> hand-to-hand combat, just four days after you gave birth to Kerstin." Crow07: Backstory. Tom07: ...Directed by Ron Howard? Mike09: Once again, I blame this on the HMO's. Crow09: Yeah, I can remember when new mothers had to wait over two weeks before Ultimate Fighting. >> "How could you remember that?" Mary asked, palefaced. >> "I was 12 years old at the time," Katherine responded. Mike10: Oh, that was the year she was only a Rear Admiral. Crow08: [as Captain Mary] Oh, thanks dear. I forgot. You know, with 47 kids and triplets on the way, I tend to lose track. >> "As I >> recall, you came back missing the upper half of your uniform and with a >> rather large gash in your side." Tom10: You know, I'm glad we missed *this* story. Mike06: Kathy was a little too young to understand the concept of S&M.... Tom06: [as Mary] I *told* you... I fell down and cut myself while I was table-dancing for the crew!!! Tom09: Oh, no, it *is* Manos In Space! Mike09: [as Torgo] MaRrIsSa WaNtS yOu BuT sHe CaNnOt HaVe YoU!! Tom09: Please don't do that, Mike! Crow09: Yeah, we scare easy! Mike09: Since when?!? Mike04: Good lord! That's disgusting! Has Ratliff suddenly transformed into Larry Flynt? Tom04: Milos Forman and Oliver Stone present: "The People Versus Stephen Ratliff." List of charges: one hundred and ten thousand counts of aggravated punctuation; eighteen thousand transgressions of the Corny Joke and Interstate Logging Act of 1967; transporting underage girls across the Neutral Zone for immoral purposes; and impersonation of an actual author. >> Captain Mary Szustakowski paled more at the memory as Kerstin >> spoke up, "Captain Mary Szustakowski, Mike09: So this is Captain Mary Szustakowski? Tom09: It's just possible it's Captain Mary Szustakowski. Crow09: I don't know about it being Captain Mary Szustakowski, but I'll bet my bottom dollar this story has Captain Mary Szustakowski in it. >> as of this Stardate, you are >> confined to quarters. Crow13: [falsetto] No nickels or dimes for you, young captain. >> You will remain there until such a time as you >> are declared fit by Medical personnel. Lieutenants Lochard and >> Szustakowski, would you see to her confinement? I'm expected in Ops." Crow09: Yay! We arrested Mom! Tom09: Also known as Captain Mary Szustakowski. Mike08: [as Captain Mary] My daughter's such a loving dear to put me under house arrest.... Crow04: I don't get it. Tom04: What just happened? Mike04: Who cares? I mean, really. Tom13: Did *any* part of that scene have any point, whatsoever? Crow13: Where have you been? There hasn't been a point to any of this since "Enterprized." >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine" >> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9 Mike13: [as Dracula] I do not drink... did you say, "bloooodvine"?? Mike07: "Benjiman"? Mike09: Any relation to CPO Sharkey? Mike08: Factual note --- "CPT" is the abbreviation for an ARMY captain, the equivalent of a Navy lieutenant (O-3). A Starfleet captain is the equivalent of a Navy captain or an Army colonel (O-6). Bots08: Faaaaa-- Mike08: Muzzle it! It had to be said. [The text freezes on the screen. Replicants stay put.] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [Crow is alone, skulking about. He has what might be an animal skin draped over his shoulders and a small sword is attached to his hands.] MAGIC VOICE: The bleached, pale rays of fluorescence beat down tirelessly with pearly radiance upon the clutter strewn holds which dominate the greater portions of the Satellite of Love. A lone figure singularly circumnavigates the foot trodden floor in an elliptical circle, petulantly pacing about with heaving strides. A buttercup yellow snout of gold protuberating from his face, he sniffs the myriad scents assaulting his olfactory organ. The struggling mind of the wandering barbarian veritably whirls with blinding speed of energetic contemplation and impressed excellence of thought, readying his confisticated weapon to face dread horrors he knows not how to face. [Tom Servo, in a blond wig, zips onto stage.] TOM: [falsetto] Hello! CROW: [stilted delivery] AHHHH! What manner of child doth I, Grignr of Ecordia, behold with mine orbs of seeing!? TOM: I'm no child! I am Princess Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, adopted daughter of Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Second Officer on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893, adopted daughter of Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893, adopted daughter of Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Coordinating Officer of Starfleet Kids' Crews, Princess, and Heir to the Throne of the planet Essex. CROW: Do these auditory organs of mine deceive me!? Didst thou sayeth thou art a princess!? I shall never understand your twisted "civilization" with its warped and distorted ways! You put this child in authority over real men. I wish only to walk around unbathed and naked save for a loincloth, guzzle ale, throw myself upon every buxom female I see, steal whatever baubles strike my fancy, and scream like a maniac whilst disemboweling anyone who gets in my way, yet *I* am called the "barbarian"! TOM: You just watch it, Grignr. I've got a 21:14 Kobayashi Maru time, so you'd better do whatever I say! CROW: Ha ha! You city bred dogs should not antagonize your betters so whimsicoracally, or thou shalt stunt the perusal of thine longevity! I have slain dozens of stout swordsmen who opposed me! TOM: That's nothing! I've vaporized thousands of aliens. CROW: Even as a boy of merely twelve solarian revolutions of age, I slew those who insulted me thusly. TOM: What took you so long? I killed half a dozen Trakce warriors and stole their hair ribbons when I was just ten. I've also beaten up ambassadors, handed out speeding tickets, humiliated every adult who opposed my authority, saved entire planets, destroyed fleets, traveled through time, and exchanged gibes with an omnipotent being. CROW: How canst this be? I cannot bear such tyranny. Prepare to kiss the fleeting ebon steed of death, wench! TOM: You asked for it, Grignr! CROW: Behold as I crush prudence to the sward, steel my quivering thews, luxuriate in the grips of a primitive, beastly blood lust, and send my sword on a sweeping arc of crimsoned death and maiming destruction in a shadowed blur of motion! [Crow swings his sword at Tom. Tom backs up a little and Crow misses.] TOM: Missed me. CROW: AUGH! I hast over-extended myself and twisted my joint of connecting my foot to my leg! I must try again. [Crow swings again at Tom. Again, Tom backs up a little and Crow misses.] TOM: Ha ha! CROW: AUGH! I have twisted my *other* joint of connecting my foot to my leg! The murky, dark, charcoal clouds of ebony enshroud me all about. I am entangled all too lividly in the grim web of reality! A sheet of unconsciousness descends upon me.... [Tom bonks Crow on the head. Crow topples over.] TOM: [still falsetto] They never learn. [Mike comes on camera, applauding. Crow stands up again.] MIKE: Great job, guys. I can't believe you did the whole thing without going off-script. CROW: Well, Mike, suppose --- just suppose --- we took that thing off- script. Where would we take it *to*? [pause] MIKE: Good point. [Fanfic sign flashes and Mike taps it. They step aside so that Cambot can head for the theater.] [..6..] [..5..] [..4..] [..3..] [..2..] [..1..] [theater] [The text resumes scrolling.] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: NEW DS9 Premier Maquis pt 10 >> Date: 5 Nov 1996 14:45:14 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 175 >> Message-ID: <55njtq$9...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Star Trek : DS9 >> Premier Maquis >> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission >> by Stephen Ratliff >> part 10 Mike06: We reached resolution in part *7*! This thing will never end! Bots06: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Tom06 and Crow06 respond, shall we say, explosively to this concept.] Mike06: [looks at the two defunct bots] Oops. [As Cambot flashes the update, the old digits fly apart in a ] [spray of pixels, then resolve into the new digits. ] [ Replicants remaining: 19 ] [ Replicants destroyed: 26 ] [ Fanfic status: 75% complete ] >> parts serialized weekly. Tom04: Does that say "weakly"? Tom09: Parts weakly sur-realized. >> previous parts and other Marrissa Stories avialable at: >> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> >> Chapter Nine Tom07: Premier Maquis: First Blood Part II. >> >> Captain Benjamin Sisko rang the bell, Mike10: [singing "Good 'n Plenty" jingle again] He loves his Szustakowski, more than any other candy that he loves so well. Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski. >> calling the court-martial Tom08: ...A farce. >> to order. Mike06: [as Sisko] Order up! >> On his right sat Doctor Julian Bashir, his left, Lieutenant >> Sam Lavelle. Tom10: Now they were ready for a "Crossfire" debate. Mike09: What happened to "Command Rank or Higher?" Tom09: It's Ratliff's Universe; *anyone* can be a starship commander. Crow09: Even Captain Mary Szustakowski. >> At the persecutors table Mike10: Civil liberties have taken nasty steps backward in the 24th century. Crow09: A timely yet biting commentary on the state of the justice system today? Mike09: A semi-remembered word accidentally garbled? Tom09: Or yet another misspelling from the Radford Warrior? All09: YOU make the call! >> sat Lieutenant Commander Worf. >> The defendant, Ro Laren sat at the defense's table, Tom10: While the defending attorney, lost, was wandering through a Hammett Learning store on the second floor of the mall. >> not in uniform. Tom04: Clad instead in a lovely negligee. Mike09: Next on Court TV, the Nude Court-Martial Hour! Tom13: Well, if she's not in uniform, she must not be in Starfleet. Case dismissed! Mike06: Usually the table would be in uniform for an occasion like this, but today was Casual Furniture Day on DS9.... Crow07: I think Ratliff has a seating order fetish. >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat beside her, a smile crossing >> her face Mike13: [as Sisko] Something FUNNY, Lieutenant Commander?? Tom13: [as Marrissa] Yeah, your fly's undone. >> as Sisko asked. "Mister Worf, would you please read the >> charges?" Mike04: [as Worf] Positive, and negative. Tom09: [as Worf] Room and board for three nights, $79.95 per night; Room Service, $37.90; One pay-movie, "Rhonda Does Romulus," $19.95.... >> "Ro Laren, Lieutenant, last assignment, CONN Officer, USS >> Enterprise, Tom10: [as announcer] ...Caught up in the wheels of progress. >> is charged with sabotaging a mission, five counts of >> attacking a Federation Starship, one count of attempted take over of a >> Star Fleet vessel, and going absent without leave," Worf read. Mike10: ...And two hardboiled eggs. Tom10: And two hardboiled eggs. Crow10: Tom10: Three hardboiled eggs. >> "Defense, do you accept the charges?" Sisko asked. Mike08: Is this a trial or a collect call?! >> "No, I do not" Marrissa replied. Lieutenants Lavelle and >> Bashir's mouths dropped. Mike08: As they retrieved them, Ro made a break for it. >> Sisko was taken back as well. Tom13: Must have been the wrong size. Mike13: That was supposed to be "taken *aback*", GrammarBot. Mike10: [as Sisko] Yeah, this is much better than getting blown up by the Borg.... Tom09: So just because Ro got the brat for a defense counsel, she's supposed to meekly accept her fate?!? Mike09: Jurisprudence is so much easier if no one fights back. >> "All the >> charges after Stardate 47897, are not in the jurisdiction of this >> court." Crow13: Who's going to try her for destroying Starfleet property, Lance Ito?? Mike13: Well, at least Ito's a *judge*, unlike Sisko. Tom13: Yeah, how come Ratliff can't make up new characters? Why does he just stuff existing characters into roles that they have no reason for being in? Mike13: Well, the casting is cheaper.... Tom13: It's a *story*! There's no casting costs for *writing*! Crow13: Face it, Mike. He stumped you. >> "I'm afraid I must disagree, Miss Picard," Sisko responded. Tom08: "X" gets the square. >> Before Sisko could get in his pronouncement, Marrissa continued, Crow13: Because interrupting the judge is sound legal strategy. Mike04: ...And was found in contempt of court and sentenced to a penal colony. Bots04: YAAAAAY! >> "A Starfleet court-martial can only try someone on events happening >> while they are in Starfleet. Ro Laren was not in Starfleet after that >> STARDATE." Tom04: And she certainly won't be after this FANFIC. Tom07: And what makes you think that desertion removes someone from military jurisdiction? Crow09: [as Marrissa] Do it MY way. MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!! >> "Mister Worf, can you counter that?" Sisko asked. Mike06: [as Magic:The Gathering player] Sorry, sir, I don't have any Counterspells left in my hand.... Mike13: [as Worf] No, I do not have two blue mana available. Crow13: Huh? Mike13: Magic:The Gathering reference. Crow13: Oh. >> "I ask for a recess," Worf replied, frustrated. Tom08: [as Worf] And I also call dibs on the swing set! Tom13: [as Worf] Thinking is not my strong suit. >> "One hour recess granted," Sisko responded, hitting the bell. Mike08: [as Sisko] But no horseplay.... Tom09: And they all went to play on the swings and slide and make mud pies. Crow10: [as Ro] Recess... it's the worst time of the day. Well, except for the morning. And the evening. And night isn't that good either. Okay, so recess is among the worst times of the day. I bet I got a peanut butter sandwich again. >> >> An hour later, Sisko reconvened the court. "Mister Worf, your >> counter please," he asked. Crow10: [as Worf] Formica. Mike09: [as Worf] Formica, sir. Crow13: [as Worf] As you can see, it is the highest quality Formica, with an added layer of polyurethane for scratch and stain resistance. Tom04: [as Worf] It is stain-resistant Formica... as it was in the days of Kahless. >> "I regret that I must agree with Lieutenant Commander Picard," >> Worf responded. All09: BOO! Hiss! Tom08: [as Worf] It's right here in the script. >> "Ro Laren's commanding officer at the time, now Rear >> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard has supported that statement." Then muttering Mike08: ...incoherently, >> he >> sat down. "I suspect Marrissa got to him first." Crow08: And badgered him into agreement. Tom13: What gave it away, the cement shoes he was sporting? Crow10: Yeah, we all know Marrissa had him brainwashed a *long* time ago.... Crow04: Marrissa has the entire Admiralty twisted around her little finger. >> "What was that Worf?" Doctor Bashir asked. Mike07: I don't know. I've never seen a Worf like that before. Crow09: [as Bashir] I didn't quite hear you, you no-good lousy STINKING JADZIA-STEALER OF A KLINGON, YOU!!!! >> "Nothing Doctor," Worf replied. Mike04: [as Bashir] Don't call me that! I'm a *somebody*! Mike06: [as Bashir] You're talking about me, aren't you?! Come on, admit it! Mike08: Discipline or not, I don't think that Bashir would ever get away with asking a question threateningly to a senior officer who could rip his arms out of their sockets. >> "That leaves the charge of abandoning a mission, sabotaging it >> as a result," Captain Sisko stated. Crow13: Well, that's easy. She went AWOL during the mission, which meant she resigned, which meant she wasn't in Starfleet when the mission was sabotaged! Mike13: Sounds like bona fide Ratliff logic there. >> "Mr. Worf, call your witness." Tom13: [as Worf] Calling Hanover Fist. Crow13: Did you just watch "Heavy Metal" or something? >> "I call Captain William T. Riker, commanding the starship >> Enterprise," Worf called. Mike10: If he hasn't blown it up yet today. Tom09: How far up the alphabet do ya' think ol' Will's gotten the good ship "Enterprise"? Crow09: Knowing Riker, he's probably on "1701-M" by now. >> "Aren't you lucky that he was vacationing here," Marrissa >> commented as Riker entered. Mike08: Wasn't Ratliff lucky that he hadn't run out of cameo roles? >> "Luck had nothing to do with it," Riker said as he sat down. Crow13: Plot contrivances, however, had everything to do with it. Crow07: Gee, do you think maybe a *summons from the court* had something to do with it?! Mike06: [as Riker] Marrissa wished for my appearance, and lo! I ran here. Tom09: Marrissa manipulates the laws of chance to favor herself. Mike04: No! Look out! It's Riker's evil Maquis double! He'll kill you all! Run! Run for your lives! Tom10: [as Riker] I was half an hour late getting back to the dock last time Enterprise was here, they left and haven't come back for me yet. It's been three months. I'm worried. >> Worf began his question, "Captain, on Stardate 47865, you were >> serving as first officer of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, where you not?" Tom13: [as Riker] Yes, I not be on the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. Mike09: [as Riker] I not in Bermuda, I not at a Broadway play, I not swimming with a beautiful redhead on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, I not a lot of places. Tom08: Where is he not? Mike08: He is not in this fanfic. It's a doppelganger. Tom08: *Ssshhhh.* You'll give away the secret ending. Crow08: Oh, like anyone else is still reading. >> "Yes, that is the position I held," Captain Riker stated. Mike08: It was just a temp job, but I got free coffee. Tom10: [as Worf] And you are aware that as a guy in a courtroom scene I can turn statements into questions by ending them with "are you not," are you not?" >> "Beginning on that STARDATE Crow04: I just figured out why this is always CAPITALIZED. Mike04: Why? Crow04: Because Ratilff is using a MACRO. >> Ro Laren began a undercover mission Mike13: To squeeze the Charmin when Mr. Whipple wasn't looking. >> to flush out Maquis, correct?" Worf questioned. All04: [flushing noises] >> "I was so informed," Riker responded. Tom10: [as Worf] It is the case that the discovery of paper is generally credited to the Chinese government official Ts'ai Lun, in the year 105 A.D., is it not? >> "Five days later you joined her as her 'brother,' correct?" Crow04: Hey, that's way too kinky! Mike04: He means, joined her *on the mission*. Crow04: Oh. Crow13: [as Worf] And you gave her a "spanking" for being "naughty," correct? Mike08: Oh, there's just such a family resemblance. Tom08: She has his eyes. Crow08: She won them in a poker game. >> "Yes." >> "Please tell me what happened during the next couple of days." Tom08: [as Riker] Well, I went on a bender, and things got a little fuzzy after that.... Tom07: And for pity's sake, please keep your answer relevant to the trial. >> "The Maquis had been fed information that the Cardassians were >> trying to construct a biogentic weapon, and that the components of that >> weapon Tom10: You know, mitochondrial DNA, messenger RNA, cytoplasm.... >> were on a convoy passing near the DMZ. Tom09: Mercy sakes, good buddies, looks like we got us a convoy! >> Ro had convinced the >> Maquis that taking the convoy would be a good idea. Mike04: [as ditzy model in Playboy TV commercial] That'd be a good idea! Crow10: The Maquis, as always, were desperate for *any* idea. >> The Enterprise and >> several other starships were hidden in a nearby nebula. Crow09: Disguised as bread trucks. Mike08: A CONVENIENT nearby nebula. Mike10: Fooling all the people who haven't seen this trick eighteen billion times already. >> Just before the >> Maquis raiders were to leave the DMZ, Ro scanned the nebula revealing >> the Star Fleet vessels. Tom10: I spy with my little eye, something that begins with an "S". >> The Maquis did not leave the zone. She gave me >> a message for the Captain and beamed off." Crow08: And she really shouldn't have beamed off like that in public. Tom13: No one will remain seated during the Episode Summary scene. >> "And what was that message." Mike09: [as Riker] Cheese off, baldy! Crow13: [as Riker] Bite me! Mike13: How did I know that was coming? >> "I'm afraid that I don't recall it." Mike04: I see he's been reviewing the tapes of the Iran-Contra affair. Crow08: Thank you, President Reagan. You may step down. Tom09: Soon after, Will Riker went to Congress. >> "Thank you, Captain," Worf responded. "Your witness, Marrissa." Mike08: [as Marrissa] Just what I always wanted. Mike04: [as Marrissa] I'll take him! Bots04: Eeeewwwwww! >> "Captain Riker, why did then Captain Picard send you to join >> Ro?" Marrissa asked, standing up and walking over to Riker. Tom13: ...Nuzzling him ever so slightly. Mike10: [as Riker] Picard doesn't like *me* either. Crow04: [as Riker] He thought we made a cute couple. Crow08: [as Riker] He thought we made a cute couple. >> "He believed that Ro might not be able to complete the mission," >> Riker responded. Crow13: Oh, Riker responded all right.... >> "So the Captain knew that Ro might not be able to complete the >> mission, yet left her on the mission," Marrissa stated. Tom10: You sure she didn't "declare" it? Or "comment," or "repeat," or even "assert"? >> "Tell me >> Captain, Crow13: [as Marrissa] How many licks *does* it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Crow08: [as Marrissa] Why do I have to speak in such redundant, stilted dialogue? >> about how far back in your opinion did this concern go?" >> "In my opinion, Captain Picard did not want her on this mission >> in the first place," Riker said. Mike08: Was This Trip Really Necessary? >> "So Ro was sent on a mission, which her Commanding Officer did >> not think she could complete, and she did not. Mike10: Mission accomplished! >> Tell me Captain, Tom10: [singing] ...what to do, when a boy makes eyes at you... Bots10: [singing] Tell me Captain, what to say, when he looks at me that way.... >> why >> then was she sent on that mission?" Tom09: Just for laughs, y'know? Somethin' to do. Mike13: [as Riker] Well, it was in the script, you see.... >> "Admiral Carstairs gave the order," Riker remarked. Tom08: Which surprised everyone, considering he's been dead for at LEAST sixty years. Mike08: Just goes to show that you can't simply grab the Star Trek Encyclopedia off the shelf and strip-mine it for character names.... Mike10: [as Riker] Well, we *thought* that was the order, anyway. You know, he mumbles and has this weird accent. Now we think maybe he was ordering breakfast. Mike04: Carstairs... isn't that one of those useless Ronco products? Tom04: [as announcer] Be the envy of every bus in Jolly Olde England with new Car Stairs. Crow04: You could even cut a tin can with it! >> "Admiral Carstairs, wasn't he the one who as a starship Captain >> put Ro up before another court-martial." Crow08: But he was just funnin'. Mike07: No, this is the Admiral JOHN Carstairs, who invented Tang. >> "Yes." >> "No further questions," Marrissa said quickly returning to her >> seat. Crow13: So? He put her up before a court-martial and then sent her on a suicide mission. Your point? All07: [Hum the "L.A. Law" theme] >> "You may step down," Sisko said. "Lieutenant Commander Picard, >> you will refrain from making any more insinuations on people not here to >> defend themselves." Tom08: [as Sisko] How DARE you state matters of public record in my courtroom?! >> "When did I do that?" Marrissa smiled, innocently. Crow09: Who, me? Mike09: Yes, you! Crow09: Couldn't be! Mike09: Then who? Crow04: [Bugs Bunny voice] Innocent as a newborn baby --- baby RAT, that is. >> "You know darn well," Tom13: [singing] ...when you cast your spell, you get your way... When you hypnotize, with your eyes.... >> Sisko responded. "Your next witness, >> Worf." Crow04: The great Marrissa can slander with impunity. >> "The prosecution rests," Worf replied. Mike10: Rests on what? >> Sisko raised an eyebrow. Crow09: Wha --- he's only calling *one* witness?!? Mike09: Obviously, Worf didn't inherit grandpa's legal acumen. Crow08: [as Worf] I've read ahead in the story, and Marrissa makes me look like a chump anyway, so I figure, screw it. >> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, call your first witness please." Tom08: [as Marrissa] I call my first witness "Nude Descending a Staircase." Mike07: Tom, in how many sentences so far has Ratliff botched comma placement? Tom07: Oh... just a few hundred. >> "I call Ro Laren," Marrissa stated. Tom13: [as Ro] Uh... I plead the fifth! Crow13: [as Marrissa, whispering] I'm the DEFENSE, you dolt. Tom13: [as Ro] Oh! Uh, right. >> Ro stood up, walked up to >> the witness chair and sat down. Tom09: She stood up. Crow09: Check. Tom09: She walked to the chair. Mike09: The *witness* chair. Crow09: Check. Tom09: And she sat down. Crow09: Check. Tom09: Okay, just making sure. Tom08: Then she stood up again... Mike08: Straightened her uniform... Crow08: Brushed it for lint... Tom08: And sat down in the witness chair again. >> "Ro, Captain Riker stated that my >> father, Jean-Luc Picard, was worried about your ability to complete the >> mission from the beginning. Mike06: So he started her out halfway through the mission instead. >> How did you feel about the mission." Tom04: [as Ro] I felt like a period to end an interrogative sentence. Crow08: [as Ro] I thought I was in love with the mission, but the mission just wanted to be good friends. >> "Objection," Worf interrupted. Tom10: [as Worf] The defense should phrase her question as a question. >> "Feelings are not relevant." Crow09: Feelings are not relevant. Plot is not relevant. You will be assimi --- aw, fergit it. Tom13: [Singing] Feelings... nothing more than feelings.... >> "Overruled. Crow09: [as Sisko] Marrissa's always right. Admit it! >> Ro's feelings about this mission are very much a >> part of this case. Go ahead." Mike08: [as Sisko] You know Marrissa's gonna win, so suck it up. >> Ro drew in a deep breath and began, "Well at first I just >> thought it was another mission. Tom04: [as Ro] Then I realized it was Kraft. And, boy, was I ever delighted. It's the cheesiest. Mike04: How apropos. >> Then after my cover was set, something >> familiar hit. Crow10: [as Ro] A 16-ton weight. Mike10: [as Ro] A roundhouse punch to the jaw. Crow08: Boredom! Tom09: Ro likes green chilis, but they don't like her.... >> The role I was acting was like the time I spent in the >> Bajoran Resistance. I began to feel like a Cardassian plant. Mike10: [as Ro] Like some kind of evil daffodil or something, I don't know. Crow08: [as Ro] With a great big trunk, and green leaves, and deep, deep roots. I never knew photosynthesis could make me feel so *sexy*.... Mike13: I am not a potted plant! >> Eventually I got over it. Tom08: [as Ro] And I'll make Picard pay, too! Never felt so good in my life, and *he* had to uproot me, strip away my bark! >> But as I got to know the people, the feeling >> returned. When the Cardassians attacked the town where I was living, I Crow08: Wet 'em. >> defended myself. In the fire fight, the leader of the cell, All10: [singing] He's the leader of the pack.... >> who I had >> grown close to died. Tom08: [as Ro] You see, I have this "Captain Kirk" clause in my contract.... >> Suddenly everything had changed. Mike06: [as Ro] The series was coming to an end, and I had to look for another way to make a living. >> I wasn't a Star >> Fleet Officer looking at people who were disobeying the law. Crow10: [as Sisko] Uh, yeah, that's interesting, uh, hey, I just remembered I don't have the security clearance to hear this, so just be quiet now, okay? >> I was one >> of them. I had felt and shared their loss. I was apart of them. Mike08: I should hope so. Mike04: I thought you said you were *with* them. Tom13: [as Ro] And I couldn't bear to be a part from them any longer! >> I >> also discovered that I was his chosen successor. I did not want to let >> them down, but I also didn't want to let Captain Picard down." Mike08: So, peer pressure, basically. Tom08: Uh huh. Crow10: [as Ro] So I started looking for the biggest possible way that I could screw up. >> "That's when then Commander Riker joined you," Marrissa >> prompted. Mike04: [looks at Crow04] On the *mission*, remember? Mike06: [as Ro] Yes, and the moment I felt his hot, stinking breath on my neck, I knew I couldn't be a Starfleet officer under him for another minute.... Crow13: "C:\", she prompted. Tom13: I don't get it. Crow13: Oh, you wouldn't, MAC-BOY! Crow08: Objection! Mike08: You can't object. Crow08: I mean I object to the story. Mike08: Oh, well, yeah, you can definitely do that. Tom08: I find this story in contempt! Mike08: I find this story BENEATH contempt. >> "Yes, I have to admit I was resentful of the Commander being >> added. It was as if Captain Picard didn't trust me. Crow13: Oh, and that was *such* an unfounded opinion.... Mike10: And they'd had such a warm, loving relationship up to that point. Crow09: So, she began to sympathize with these people, took over command of their little group, and starting getting chummy with them, and she's upset Picard *might not trust her*?!? >> On top of that, Tom08: [as Ro] He had more lines! >> the plan to capture the Maquis who had become my friends had me >> doubting my loyalties as well." Mike07: [as Ro] I'm not bad, I'm just overly friendly. Tom10: Benedict Laren. Has a certain ring to it. >> "What made you decide to resign and protect your new friends?" Tom09: [as Ro] A chance to do some real acting on "Homicide:LOTS." Mike13: [as Ro] Their health plan. Tom10: [as Ro] I found out Starfleet's new medical plan was not going to cover my nose condition. Crow08: [as Ro] I plead stupidity. >> "I think it was that friendship ... Mike04 [as Ro] ...A feeling I sometimes have for my friends. >> During the time I was in >> Star Fleet, I never developed many friends. Tom07: Oh, that's so sad. Mike07: I know. [Mike07, Tom07, and Crow07 start crying.] Mike08: [as Ro] They always picked me last for volleyball and pantsed me in the halls. Crow04: [as Ro] Then I developed --- and, boy, there were so many friends, I had to beat them off with a stick. Mike04: I'd hurt you, but that was a good one. >> When I served under >> Captain Carstairs on the Challenger, I was on the fast track, and not >> many people were willing to associate with a Bajoran. Mike10: After all, Bajorans were just a society that had brought civilization, advancements, and peace to hundreds of worlds for a millennium or two. Don't want that type hanging out around *us*. >> At the time our >> home world was still occupied by the Cardassians and we were seen as >> little more than stray dogs. Mike09: That's not true at all! And stay out of my flower bed! Tom04: [as Ro] One time they almost had me put to sleep! [Mike07 and the Bots07 continue crying, leaning on each other for support.] >> Then I was court-martialed for disobeying >> orders that I couldn't Tom10: [as Ro] ...Even hint at, because nobody really thought through my "origin story." >> obey in good conscience. Crow13: [as Ro] Serve potatoes instead of stuffing? No *WAY*! >> When I was assigned to >> the Enterprise, the shadow of that court-martial followed me around. Mike13: [whiny voice] Stop following meeeeee! Mike06: [as Ro] Until I got a court order telling the shadow to stay at least 150 feet away at all times. Mike04: Then the gaffer adjusted the Klieg lights, and the shadow abruptly vanished. Tom09: Ooh, Ro's fighting the Shadow Wars. Mike09: Maybe in some alternate universe, Sheridan is in command of Deep Space Nine and Sisko runs Babylon Five. Crow09: I dunno --- I just can't see Bruce Boxleitner as Hawk. Mike09: How about Avery Brooks as the Scarecrow? Tom09: Yeah, with Kate Mulgrew as Mrs. King. >> I >> still didn't get many friends, [Mike07 and the Bots07 are sobbing even louder now.] >> with the exception of Guinan, hostess in >> Ten-Forward. Tom10: [as Ro] You know, her people were wiped out by the Borg, who are these really dumb enemies we stole from Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who, which you know first went on the air the day after President Kennedy was shot, and he was the president who committed the U.S. to landing a man on the moon by 1970, and one time on the original series the Enterprise went back in time to just before one of those moon shots, and we met up with that Enterprise crew back in the first Ratliff fanfic, so you see how it all ties together. >> I never felt like I belonged. The Maquis, after I passed >> though there initial suspicions, made me feel like I belonged." Crow08: [Godfather voice] You're one of the family, now, Ro. Tom10: Well, gee, if that's the way you felt about the situation, then I guess we should just break every single precedent set by military law just for you, huh? Tom13: Sheesh... Woody Allen isn't that wordy in his monologues. >> "One last question," Marrissa asked. Crow10: Is there anything you might say that's even vaguely relevant to this fanfic? >> "Knowing what you know >> now, would you have taken that mission?" >> "No, I didn't have the loyalty and ties to Star Fleet that it >> takes to go undercover," Ro replied. Tom07: IT'S SO TRUE!!!!! Crow07: BWAAAAAAHH!!! [Mike07, Tom07, and Crow07 are now sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently, this is not good for replicants. Soon, they cease crying, and cease doing pretty much anything else.] [The old digits sort of melt away and flow into new ones, as ] [Cambot flashes the update: ] [ Replicants remaining: 16 ] [ Replicants destroyed: 29 ] [ Fanfic status: 82% complete ] >> "I didn't know that then, Crow10: Even though she hated the entire command structure, knew no one in the fleet that she liked, and empathized with a resistance movement fighting overwhelming odds, she still didn't know.... >> but I do >> now." Tom08: [as Ro] I plead TEMPORARY disloyalty. Crow13: That was so beautiful... they can't convict her now! >> "Your witness, Worf," Marrissa concluded. >> "You stated that you were beginning to doubt yourself way before >> you resigned," Worf recapped. Mike04: [as Worf] Klingons do *not* say "way." Tom09: Maybe it's just me, but I don't see Worf as the kind of guy who uses "way before" in a sentence. Crow09: This was Worf's "Baywatch" period. >> "Why didn't you ask to be pulled off the >> mission?" Mike13: [as Ro] I needed the experience points to make it to 8th level. >> "I felt that I could push myself though the doubts," Ro >> responded. "And I didn't want to let Captain Picard down." Crow10: Even though he was expecting failure. >> "An honorable intention," Worf replied. "But you still let him >> down. You disobeyed orders, abandoned your post, betrayed your fellow >> officers..." Mike08: You scamp! Mike09: Taken leave of your senses... Tom09: Shot yourself in the foot... Crow09: Voided your warranty.... Mike10: Overshadowed the acting ability of the series regulars... Crow10: Oh, I wouldn't go *that* far. Tom13: [as gameshow announcer] And you made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game! You're a *complete* *loser*! >> "Objection, badgering the witness," Marrissa interrupted. Tom04: No, more like targ-ing the witness. Tom09: That's right --- LARRY!!!!! Crow13: Badgers?!?! We don't need no STEEEENKING badgers! Mike13: Wow! Two "Weird" Al references in a row! I think that's a record! >> "Sustained," Sisko rang. Crow04: Bashir answered him; there was nothing but a ghostly silence. Mike10: Now, I always thought it'd be Odo who would turn into a bell and ring, but I have been wrong before. >> "The prosecution will refrain from Crow08: [as Sisko] ...Making any headway in the case. >> resighting Crow10: [snickering] Can you imagine what that looked like before the spell checker fixed it? >> a list of the offenses the defendant is on trail for." Tom04: Heaven forbid the court ever actually remembering why they're here. Tom10: That would be dangerously relevant. Mike06: Okay, I'll bite... why is Ro on a "trail" and why is Worf lining up his "sights" on her list of offenses? Tom08: Proofreader? Speak to me! >> "No further questions," Worf concluded. A shaken Crow13: \ Tom04: - Not stirred. Crow09: / >> Ro descended >> from the stand. Mike06: Hey, they're using a Stephen King book to hold up the witness chair. Crow08: THAT was a cross-examination?! >> "The Defense would like to enter into the record, the >> defendant's last Commanding Officer's recommendations and comments," >> Marrissa asked. >> "Does the Prosecution have any objections?" Sisko asked. Crow13: [as Worf] Yes. Her shoes do not match her dress *at all*. Tom04: Well, how about ... ARE THEY EVEN REMOTELY RELEVANT TO THE CASE?! Crow04: Like that would make any difference in this court. >> "No, your honor," Worf replied. Mike10: He knows he'd just get overruled anyway. Mike09: Okay, quick quiz, guys. Which would you rather have: Marrissa for your captain, or Worf for your lawyer? Bots09: Um, er, ah, well, I don't, geez, that's... Mike09: Answer: It doesn't matter --- if they screw up, they'll both just kill you and pin it all on you posthumously. >> "So entered," Sisko stated. >> "The Defense rests," Marrissa stated. Crow10: So, Ro's defense was, if she'd known she'd screw up, she wouldn't have? >> "Then we will call it a day," Sisko responded. Tom08: [as Sisko] Yeah, we'll pack it in for now. >> "Tomorrow we >> will hear your closing statements." Crow08: Pleeeeease, try to keep them short. Tom10: StarFleet Judicial Branch: Justice in one hour or your money back! Crow04: What kind of research went into *this* "defense"? [as Ratliff] Hey, you're pre-law right? Can you help me with this story? [as pre-law student] Sure, just let me put my bong down and I'll take a look.... Mike04: First of all, you're giving Ratliff too much credit by suggesting that he even *thought* about research. And even *stoned* pre-law students wouldn't come up with something like *this*. Crow09: So in 24th century judicial proceedings, each side gets to call one witness, and it has to be the shakiest one you've got. Mike09: And whichever side's story sucks the least wins. Tom09: Boy, they sure take that "right to a speedy trial" seriously. Crow13: [as Worf] She endangered the lives of countless Starfleet personnel and destroyed millions of dollars in Starfleet property. Tom13: [as Marrissa] Um... she's really nice. Mike13: [as Sisko] Right. I find Ro Laren not guilty. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author Mike08: And he's putting RO on trial! Crow08: Or on "trail." Mike08: Something like that. >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting >> invited to all the really good parties >> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places" Crow09: You know the well is starting to run a li-i-itle dry when you start quoting Ferengi. [cut to commercials] From: lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu (Loren Haarsma) Subject: MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 6/6) Date: 1997/07/14 Message-ID: <1997Jul14.142507@opal.tufts.edu> X-Deja-AN: 256837958 Distribution: world Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc =========================== part 6/6 =============================== [return from commercials] >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: NEW Premier Maquis part 11 >> Date: 12 Nov 1996 15:41:09 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 128 >> Message-ID: <56a5ql$8...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: ruacad-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> Premier Maquis >> by Stephen Ratliff >> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission >> part 11 >> story serialized weekly. >> >> Feedback Requested. Mike04: You see? Someone out there appreciates my rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner." >> MSTers accepted. Crow09: Like MSTer Rogers. Mike09: MSTer Mom. Tom09: MSTer Right. Mike09: MSTer Wizard. Tom09: MSTer Tibbs. Crow09: MSTer MSTer. Tom13: What's a MSTer? Mike13: MSTer MSTer? Tom13: [singing] Take these broken wings.... >> >> Chapter Ten Tom04: The Secret of the Ooze. >> >> Jay Gordon was admiring Marrissa's Crow13: Yes? Yeeeeees? >> Quarters. Crow13: [disappointed] Oh. Crow04: \ Crow08: - Her HIND quarters. Crow09: / Mike10: Well, if that's the euphemism he wants to use.... Tom04: She had an entire proof set, but he liked the twenty-five cent pieces best.... >> He liked >> Marrissa's taste. Mike04: [to Crow04] Not a word! Crow08: She tasted like... Oh, it's just too easy. Next sentence. Mike10: Especially with a light vinaigrette sauce on top.... Mike06: Although he thought that a little sugar would help offset her inherent bitterness. Crow09: Sweet and spicy, with just a hint of freshly ground oregano. >> The soft green drapes hugged the windows, Crow13: [as drapes] You're the only windows for me, sweetie.... >> benefiting >> from Crow08: The poor lighting. >> the saucer design of the remodeled ship. Crow04: And a generous grant from our friends at the Velcro corporation. Tom13: Nothing could benefit from the teacup design, however. >> Jay noticed the painting >> of Marrissa, himself, Clara, Alexander, and Shayna coming out of the >> woods of DOAllen. Tom10: Dead On Allen? Tom08: DOA-Huh? >> "Data's work?" he inquired. Tom04: [as Marrissa] No, Data works on a starship, silly.... Crow10: [as Marrissa] Yeah. Sad, isn't it? Mike13: [as Marrissa] No, my datas haven't worked in months. >> "Yes, he gave it to me as a gift when I left the Enterprise," Tom08: In gratitude for leaving. Tom09: [as Marrissa] And don't think I won't get him for it!! Crow04: Unfortunately, the hidden antimatter charge was somehow accidentally defused. >> Marrissa confirmed offering Jay his favorite drink, root beer. Mike06: [as Marrissa] Yes, Jay, I did indeed offer you a root beer. >> "I don't think he got Shayna's hair right," Jay remarked, >> accepting the drink. All04: Reference! Reference! Mike06: [as Jay] Why Data thought it would be a good idea to shave off half of Shayna's hair, I'll never know.... >> "I'll tell him," Marrissa responded. Crow10: [as Jay] Also, I don't think you're supposed to have five arms, three legs, and a change purse hanging out of your nose. >> "He'll undoubtedly endeavor to be more observant," Jay smiled. Crow04: [as Jay] Huh huh huh, I made a funny.... Crow08: I'd say Data was pretty observant to avoid a cameo in this fanfic. Tom13: [as Data] Do you mean to insinuate that my vocal patterns are somewhat circumlocutious? Mike13: You do that *too* well. >> "So how is your case going?" Mike06: [as Marrissa] My case? Get off of it! Crow13: [as Marrissa] Well, despite my flimsy defense, I think she'll walk. >> "I'm not sure," Marrissa replied. Tom08: [as Marrissa] We're so off-script at this point, I have no idea what's going on. >> "The charge reduction idea >> worked, but like you said, that was a fairly easy maneuver. Mike06: [as Marrissa] It's the split-S turn that's going to be more tricky.... Tom10: Would it be too much trouble to give some explanation why these proceedings couldn't wait for, say, a qualified judge and attorneys? >> Riker's >> testimony went well, but I'm afraid that there are too many holes in the >> favorable part of his testimony. Crow04: Just like any Ratliff plot we could mention. Crow10: What testimony? >> I hope Worf missed them." Tom08: Three guesses? Crow08: Yep. Mike08: Uh huh. Tom13: Considering the shabby way he's been prosecuting so far, I'm sure he has. >> "Considering some of the things Worf missed in the past, you >> have nothing to fear," Jay encouraged. Mike06: Hyuck! Worf's terrible phaser accuracy is *great* for comic relief. And just when we needed a break from all the tension, too! Mike09: It's all right to demean a Klingon, just as long as you're smart enough not to do it to his face. >> "You may be right," Marrissa said, Crow04: \ Crow08: - [singing] I may be crazy.... Crow10: / >> not quite sure. "But I still >> have to get through the closing statements." Mike08: So do we. >> "You will, Risa," Jay responded, trying to get a reaction. Tom08: And deep down, he knew that this was the only way. Mike06: See? I *told* you he loves punishment. >> "Jay Alan Gordon," Tom09: ...Tiberius Kirk Mike09: ...Herbert Walker Bush Crow09: ...Phillip Arthur George Tom09: ...Cougar Mellencamp Mike09: ...Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky Crow09: of Ulm! >> Marrissa suddenly perked up, "How many times >> do I have to tell you not to call me that?" Mike10: I guess politely asking would be a sign of weakness. >> "Oh, some number around infinity," Jay smiled. Tom04: [as Jay, giddy] Infinity plus one times a billion plus a thousand! >> "So are you >> willing to hear my suggestions, your highness." Mike13: [as Marrissa] KNEEL, infidel! >> "Yes, but drop the titles, sir knight," Marrissa replied, Mike04: No comment. Crow10: Titles? Never heard of *that* euphemism before.... >> somewhat peeved after Jay's jabs. Mike06: That's what you get when you don't keep your gloves up.... Crow10: I want to make a "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" reference, but it just isn't happening. >> "Or I'll spend some time giving your >> little sister some new ways to drive you nuts." Tom09: A little harsh discipline in the ranks is good now and then. Tom13: Wet willies and wedgies are always effective. >> "Please, not Jacquelynn." Crow13: [as Jay] Anything but Jacquelynn! NOOOOOOOO! Mike08: So that's her name. I'd blocked it out of my mind. Tom08: [as announcer] Previously, on "Premier Maquis." Tom04: I think Ratliff's been watching too many screwball comedies. >> >> Once again, the court-martial assembled in Deep Space Nine's >> Observation Lounge. Commander Sisko rang the bell, Bots10: [singing] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.... >> calling the court to Tom08: Dinner! Crow13: Tango! >> order. Tom13: Order in the court! Mike13: I'll have a cheeseburger. >> "Commander Worf, your closing statement please." Tom13: [as Worf] I am Klingon; therefore, I should win. Mike08: [as Worf] If there is any justice in this universe, Captain, the court will acknowledge that nobody has the foggiest idea what's going on. >> >> "Lieutenant Ro Laren is charged with disobeying orders, >> sabotaging a mission, and defecting," Worf said, beginning to pace in >> front of the judges. "She deliberately did so, with full knowledge of >> the consequences of her actions. Crow10: [as Worf] She knew we'd have to ground her. >> She has shown a remarkable willingness >> to explain her actions, but that does not change the fact that she did Mike10: ...Promise to buy six albums at club prices within the first eight months. >> the deeds. Mike09: And they were done dirt cheap. >> Ro Laren has shown disregard for orders in the past, which Mike08: ...was a blatant attempt by the original producers to make her appealingly roguish. Tom08: Pretty much. >> is a matter of her record. She does not protest the events which lead >> to this trial. Mike06: Except for the bit where she was taunted by an 11-or-12-year-old Marrissa clone. >> As such she should be found guilty." Tom08: This has to be a Trek first... the voice of reason coming from Worf's mouth. Crow10: Wow. A cogent, logically sound argument based on the testimony admitted into court. He's lost. Tom13: AND SHE NEVER SUBMITTED A PROPER RESIGNATION, NOR WAS IT PROPERLY ACCEPTED! SHE SHOULD GO TO THE CHAIR! HANGING'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! BURNING'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Mike13: Take it easy, Tom. Here's a ramchip. [Tom13 chews ramchip with overemphasized, angry bites.] >> "Miss Picard, your closing," Sisko prompted after Worf sat down. Crow10: ...On the whoopie cushion Marrissa had planted there. Tom13: [as Marrissa] I am the great Marrissa; therefore, *I* should win. Crow09: [as Marrissa] Sure, she confessed, but so what? *I* say she's innocent! >> >> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded, standing up to address >> the judges. Crow10: Yeah, but did she have to stamp them "postage due"? >> "It's an interesting situation we have here. Mike10: She does have a sense of humor. >> Star Fleet >> Command wanted Ro to be tried for the events which lead to her >> resignation. Tom04: And what's funny is, they *still* lead to her resignation. Mike04: Your point? Tom04: Watch your verb tense, Ratliff. >> Meanwhile outside these doors, reporters await our >> results, Tom10: Boy, she does have delusions of grandeur. Mike10: Actually, with these stories, they're not delusions. >> questioning what effect this will have on Maquis Independence. Crow10: Oh yeah. The preface. I remember that. Crow08: And everyone else will just wanna know what the Sam Scratch is goin' on! Crow04: Ah, Marrissa is clearly the 24th Century's answer to Johnny Cochrane. Mike13: [as Marrissa] But of course, such wonderful, impartial judges as *yourselves* won't be swayed by media attention.... >> >> "In any case, you must judge Ro. It can not be an easy task. Mike06: Why? *You're* here, aren't you? Mike08: You'll need to pad out the story excessively. You'll need help. Tom10: It shouldn't be that hard to evaluate fifteen minutes of evidence. >> Star Fleet has always held that if you can't carry out your duties, in >> good conscience, you should resign. Mike04: Too bad this doesn't apply to fanfic writers. >> Ro tried to carry out her duties, >> and resigned when she could not do so in good conscience. Mike13: Yeah, well, if she resigned, how come she's been collecting her pay since then, eh? >> Ro is now >> being tried for doing what her conscience told her, Tom09: A little Bajoran cricket in a top hat and spats told her to wish upon a star, and betray her commanding officer. Crow10: Well, the voices in her head, anyway. Maybe it's her conscience. >> which is an ideal >> which Star Fleet holds dear. In any case, the facts of the case are as >> Worf stated them. Ro did commit those deeds. All13: THEN FRY HER!! Mike06: Congratulations, Marrissa. You've just sealed the "persecution"'s case. Crow10: [as Ro] Uh, is it too late to ask for replacement counsel? >> "The question is not if, or even why she did so. Tom04: ...in Ratliff's twisted imagination. Crow04: [as Marrissa] The question is, why do fools fall in love? >> She did, and >> we have heard her reasons, which undoubtedly were the result of much Crow08: Plot wrangling. >> soul searching on her part. Tom10: Or just some story writer who thought it'd be a cool Ro "ending story." >> No, the question is, is this the right place Crow08: ...for a commercial break? >> to try her. Mike09: They could do it in Quark's --- free drinks for the judges! >> She was not a member of Star Fleet at the time. She >> submitted her resignation, Tom09: While holding Riker at phaser point.... >> due to orders she could not obey in good >> conscience. This is in the tradition of Star Fleet. Other officers >> have done so in the past, they were not tried by Star Fleet. Tom10: Yes, but only because they were the best doctors working at the finest darned M*A*S*H unit in the entire Korean theater. >> In fact >> many of them later returned to Star Fleet and were welcomed with open >> arms. Mike08: [as Marrissa] Not that I'm mentioning any names, WORF! Tom08: [as Worf] D'ohh! Crow09: "Open arms," like phasers, disruptors.... Tom09: And I bet those other officers probably hadn't just sabotaged a major intelligence operation. Tom13: I'm sure none of them invaded a starship and incapacitated her crew. Mike13: Aw, that's all just water under the bridge. Tom04: You know, that last part was actually fairly well-written. Mike04: [shakes Tom04] Snap out of it! Crow04: Yeah --- it sounds like a damn Journey song. Tom04: Sorry. >> "Gentlemen, remember that tradition while you deliberate," >> Marrissa concluded. Crow10: Oh yeah, that time-honored tradition of unabashed commie liberalism. Tom10: [as Marrissa] And don't pay attention to any nagging voices in your heads that remind you about "precedents in military law dating back thousands of years"! >> She returned to her seat and sat down Crow10: ...on the bat'leth Worf had slipped there. >> with a sigh >> of relief. Mike10: Okay, so, they shouldn't prosecute her for desertion because she gave them negative three days notice before she resigned, but she shouldn't be prosecuted for being part of this Maquis rebellion because she joined it as part of a secret Starfleet mission that nobody in the court is allowed to hear about, even though they did? >> "This court is now in recess," Captain Sisko stated. "We will >> reassemble when a judgment has been made." Crow08: [as Sisko] So at this point, we'll fly apart. >> >> "Glinn, do you know how to play poker?" It was an innocent >> question coming from the ship's Chief of Operations, Assist Glinn Duvek. Tom13: [as Gusat, to himself] That was *too* innocent. I wonder what he's up to. Mike10: [as Duvek] I'm hoping I can buy their friendship by losing lots of our not-money to them. >> The two had been eating lunch in the ship's mess on deck six above seven >> slightly starboard. Mike13: And below five-just-a-hair-aft-of-a-smidgen-port. >> It was a meal that the two had made a point of >> having together since they had served together under Gul Ducat. Crow09: It was just a much, much longer commute back then. Crow13: You know, that's how Jean-Luc and Beverly's romance began. Tom13: Ewwwwww! Tom10: This was one of the "special" moments only appreciated by those in the first rushes of infatuation. >> "You mean the human game that Picard and her circle were playing >> last night," Gusat asked. Duvek nodded. Mike06: [as Gusat] That circle was for a different game... I believe the humans call it "jerk"? >> "I've watched them play a >> couple of times, and I know the rules, what's good to hold and what's >> bad, but I've never played it." Mike13: He said, crossing his fingers, and planning to win a bundle. Mike10: Of course, neither have any of the people who write Star Trek poker scenes, but that doesn't stop them. Mike09: He knows when to hold them. Crow09: He knows when to fold them. Mike09: He knows when to walk away. Crow09: He knows when to run. Tom09: He doesn't know how to run a "Roaster's", though. Crow04: Good to hold: a steering wheel... a burrito... a lovely woman. Bad to hold: a grudge... a plutonium rod... a package stamped IGNORE TICKING SOUNDS and bearing a Montana return address. >> "Some of us would like to learn the game well enough to Mike04: [as Duvek] ...Make a living at it. >> challenge the Commander's circle," Duvek replied. Tom13: And from there, the Admiral's parallelogram! >> "A worthy ambition, if not Mike06: ...bright. >> difficult," Gusat commented. "Just >> who is 'some of us.'" Mike04: [as Gusat] And is he related to "Lo-cu-tus of Borg"? Crow10: [as Duvek] Me, Don Adams, author Ron Goulart, and an Emergency Holographic Sam Donaldson we happened to have available. Crow13: [as Duvek] You know, the Menendez brothers, the Donner party, Sonny and Cher.... >> "Myself, Assist Guvek, Assist Dar Ekat, and Dar Dukat," Duvek >> informed. Tom09: The Cardassian Rat Pack, ladies and gentlemen. Tom10: "Informed"? >> "Good," Gusat replied. Tom10: ...In response. >> "You expected a problem?" Duvek asked, judging Gusat's tone from Mike13: ...The tuning fork he always carried with him. >> his long friendship. >> "Frankly, yes," Gusat responded. Tom10: ...As his reply. Mike10: Enough, Tom. We get it. >> "If you had mentioned Assist >> Dar Davek, I would have suspected an ulterior motive." Tom13: [as Gusat] He's been eyeing Marrissa kind of funny, if you get my meaning. Keeps using that strawberry-scented cologne. >> "You mean the noble Orange Wing Commander who got in a fight >> with a Star Fleet Engineer last night and is residing in Guvek's brig," Mike09: I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Ratliff is a master of exposition. Tom08: Figures. Probably the only enjoyable moment in the entire fanfic, and we hear about it long after it's over. Mike13: Ah, Ratliff has perfected the literary device of describing all action scenes as third-party stories. >> Duvek remarked. "You will have Gavek's recommendation, Mike09: Wait, is it "Gavek" or "Guvek"? Tom09: Ah, who gives a crap?!? >> along with >> Commander Picard's, on your desk after lunch. It seems that he isn't >> doing any better as a wing commander than he is at integrating himself Tom04: ...in spherical coordinates. >> into a mixed crew." Mike04: Um, free your mind, or something. Crow10: [as Duvek] But we find he's really good at taking wood blocks and making piles out of them, so there's *something* he can do right. >> "So I can expect a rather poor recommendation on Davek?" Gusat >> inquired. Tom13: One star, definitely. The food was cold, the service was surly, and the cabaret sounded worse than Menudo. >> "Scathing might be more like it," Duvek responded. Then as >> Gusat's left eye ridge rose in inquiry, he continued. "Guvek asked me >> to proofread his report for him." Mike10: Uh... Mike08: Oh, I smell a setup. Mike09: There's a "Davek" and a "Duvek" and a "Gavek" and a "Guvek." Crow09: Someone needs to give the Cardassians a book of baby names. >> "Has he found the spell check function yet?" Gusat asked. Crow08: Must... resist.... Must... be ... strong.... >> "I think so, and the thesaurus as well," Duvek replied. Mike04: Several comments suggest themselves.... Tom04: I can't help but feel that there's some other meaning to that conversation. Crow09: Hey, was that...? Mike09: Couldn't be! Tom09: Ya think?!? Mike09: Let's just file it under "peculiarities" and move along. Tom13: Hoo boy, that's a hanging curve ball if ever I've seen one... Crow13: Yeah, I'm just going to refrain, though. Too darned easy.... Tom08: Have to... hold out... All08: THAT'S MORE THAN RATLIFF COULD DO! Crow08: Sorry, guys. I just couldn't resist. I had to say it. Mike08: Same here. Tom08: I blame myself. Crow08: So do I. Tom08: Thanks, Cr... HEEEEY! Mike10: Ratliff's making fun of us, making fun of him! Tom10: You know the end of art is at hand when Stephen Ratliff becomes a deconstructionist. Mike06: [quickly glancing one direction, then another] Ratliff ... breaking the fourth wall ... that means he's here ... in the theater with us ... watching what we do ... what we say.... [With a scream of agony and terror, Mike06 expires.] [Cambot's update flashes: ] ["It's OK folks, Ratliff's not REALLY up here." ] [ Replicants remaining: 15 ] [ Replicants destroyed: 30 ] [ Fanfic status: 90% complete ] >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting >> invited to all the really good parties >> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places" Mike08: He misspelled the same quote twice. Tom08: But he did it exactly the same way. At least he's getting more consistent. >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis pt 12 >> Date: 19 Nov 1996 15:37:22 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 108 >> Message-ID: <56sk7i$6...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> >> Title: Premier Maquis >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Summery: >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them Crow08: Confused readers try to follow along. Mike04: Been there. Tom04: Done that. Crow04: Hated it. >> >> part 12 of 13, serialized weekly Mike08: Unlucky 13. >> parts available at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html >> Comments requested. All09: You got 'em! >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. Tom08: Clearly, Viacom had first choice. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"? Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before. >> >> Chapter Eleven Tom04: Oh Premier Maquis! You Devil! >> >> The court room was silent as Captain Benjamin Sisko, Doctor >> Julian Bashir, and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle filed in the room. Mike10: The highly successful Starfleet Temp Agency. Tom04: Then they buffed. After only a few minutes, these gentlemen had given themselves stunning manicures. Tom09: Oh-oh, time for another name and rank review. Tom08: Oh please, Stephen, recount *every* step for us. >> Lieutenant Commander Worf sat, confident that he had made his case, >> behind his table. Mike13: Worf lives in his own little world and is cared for by the loving people of Ward 3. Crow10: [as Worf] Like my case? Just made it! Here, let me get it out from behind the table.... >> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat at the >> defendant's table, not at all confident, in fact she was going through >> all the flaws in her Crow09: ...character. >> conduct of the case, Crow08: She did this mainly to blot out all the flaws in the plot. >> real and imagined in her mind. Mike08: As opposed to imagined in her spleen. Tom10: [as Marrissa] Maybe it wasn't a good idea to admit that Ro was guilty as charged. Mike04: [as Marrissa] Flaw number one --- I've been working at it for years, and my Kobayashi Maru time is still under six hours. Crow04: What's that have to do with the case? Mike04: Nothing. It's just one of those things Marrissa thinks about at inappropriate moments. Tom13: But, as Marrissa is the author's idol, we can rest assured that any flaws will be completely overlooked. >> Meanwhile the defendant sat passive, accepting her fate, what ever it >> might be. Mike13: [as Ro] Release me or fry me, it doesn't matter. Tom08: *Anything* to wrap this up. Mike08: I know how she feels. Tom04: And the audience sat, sleeping soundly. >> "We find the defendant not guilty," Captain Benjamin Sisko >> pronounced, Crow08: We find ourselves UNSURPRISED. >> to the astonishment of both counsels. Tom09: ...and absolutely NONE of the readers. >> Worf barely >> restrained himself from using a Klingon cuss word. Tom09: Shampoo! Crow09: Band-Aid! Mike09: Tribble-Boy! Mike08: [chuckling] Tom08: [hillbilly accent] Them ornery Klingons. Never can tell when they're gonna let loose with a string o' them Klingon cuss words. Heh heh. Tom13: The author couldn't even come up with a decent foreign-sounding curse. Crow13: Yeah, what a blaknoor. Mike04: Oh, it was just a long string of consonants and apostrophes; no one would've understood it anyway. Crow04: [Klingon voice] K'v'Qq'j! Mike04: That was pretty good! What does that translate to? Crow04: "flaming door hinge." >> Marrissa was over >> joyed at her success, in fact Tom10: She expected to be promoted to full partner at Travis and Tee attorneys-at-law for this. >> she was at a loss of words. Mike09: Yeah, but good things like that can't last. All08: [cheering at random] Yeaaahhh! WOOO! All RIGHT! Crow08: This is the best Ratliff story EVER! Tom08: Which still puts it a half-step short of attaining the glory that was "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman." Tom04: I'm so stunned I can't enjoy Marrissa's speechlessness. Crow04: I've got a sour taste in my mouth I know I won't be able to get rid of. >> "We believe Mike08: [as Sisko] In sugar plum fairies. Mike10: [as Sisko] That if we ruled against Marrissa, her agents would have killed us. >> that her actions were guided by her conscience, which as Commander >> Picard has pointed out is the best that Star Fleet expects. Tom09: [as Sisko] We did as you commanded, your dread majesty --- now will you release our families? Crow10: So in Starfleet, they maintain, "Complete your mission, or at least give it a really good try, okay?" >> Furthermore, we find that the mission she was sent on Crow04: [as Sisko] Let her dress in cool civilian clothes instead of these Starfleet pajamas.... >> was ill >> advised and should have been stopped before it started. Tom10: [as Sisko] Not that we actually know a thing about the mission, which was so classified we couldn't hear about it.... Tom08: I think some fanfic writer out there was a little too impressed with the Johnnie Cochran patented "blame the authorities" defense. >> As such we >> believe that an acquittal is the only course we could have arrived at. Tom09: It wasn't the only one you *could* have arrived at. Mike09: Now it's going to be discussed to death in soc.history.what-if. Crow09: ...where it'll eventually turn into a thread about Norway, the Civil War, or Patton invading Russia. >> Court is adjourned" Crow04: [as Will Smith] I think the judges drank their lunch. Mike10: [as Sisko] Commander Worf, as a matter of decency, we're returning your bribe... Commander Picard, of course, we'll be keeping yours. Mike08: [as Graham Chapman] CUP! Not guil-cup! You have been found not guil-cup by this court, and you may leave a free woman. Tom08: But don't forget, Ro, first you have to talk with Doug Llewelyn, and then we have some nice law enforcement officials from the Federation who would like to have a word with you.... Tom13: HELLO! She attacked a Federation vessel! She put *lots* of people's lives in danger! Crow13: That's OK, they'll get her in the civil trial. >> >> Marrissa Picard and Ro Laren exited the courtroom together, >> heading to the Promenade. All10: [singing the wedding processional] Dah dah de da de da da dun da de dee da de daaa dun.... >> The judgment of the court was just being >> realized by Ro. "Commander, I believe I owe you dinner," Ro remarked. Tom04: [as Ro] Do you like Hasperrat? Mike08: [as Ro, in monotone] Oh, the joy. The emotion. The thrill of sweet, sweet freedom. Crow10: [as Ro] ...But do I really have to be your slave for three weeks after that? Tom09: [as Marrissa] ...Your immortal soul, too. But first, lamb chops! Tom13: [as Ro] You saved me from jail, and the best I can do is give you a meal that Starfleet would have provided anyway. >> "That's not necessary, Ro," Marrissa responded. Mike04: [as Marrissa] The person you should really thank is Worf! >> "I was just >> doing my job and most of my plans came from Crow10: ...the pit of Hades. >> Jay anyway." Tom08: Oh, you are NOT gonna make me believe that Jay somehow wears the pants in this twisted relationship. Tom09: [as Marrissa] In fact, he dressed up as me and argued the whole case in court for me, because this whole court-martial thing is just beneath me anyway.... >> "Commander, plans can go wrong very quickly if you don't know >> how to execute them and can't make up for holes in them," Ro replied. Mike04: So can a fanfic story. Mike13: Oh, yeah, she really made up for those gaping holes in her plans. Yep. Tom13: Sheesh... she didn't do anything, and Ro is acting like she dodged flying bullets. >> "Which you knew how to, Tom10: Yeah, like when Worf pulled that surprise "No further questions" ploy. Or when he said "We rest our case." >> so I do owe you." >> From behind them, Odo's voice came, "One minute if you will, >> Miss Ro." Tom13: They looked around, but there was nothing behind them, save for one comfy couch that hadn't been there a minute ago. Mike09: [singing] Heard you call my name. Miss Ro, what's your claim to fame? >> "Certainly Constable," Ro responded. "What can I do for you?" >> "Get off my station as soon as possible," Odo remarked gruffly. All08: [Cheers] Tom13: Wait! What about arresting her for civilian crimes and stuff?!? Mike10: [as Ro] Hey, anyone ever tell you you sound just like Desaad from Superfriends? And Rhoda and Joe's marriage counselor on "Rhoda"? And that colonel from "Star Trek VI"? And.... >> "I'll be booking a passage to Bajor after dinner, Crow10: After Dinner Theater is producing "A Passage to Bajor"? Tom10: Ooh, Edward Albee wrote that. >> Constable," Ro >> responded. "You really should improve your menu in the brig. Its >> almost cruel and unusual punishment." Crow09: Not as bad as being forced to appear in both "Kalifornia" and "Escape from L.A.", but close. Tom13: Yeah, the gruel didn't have lumps in it. Crow13: And the swill was handed to me with no dead insects floating in it. Mike13: You two are disgusting. >> "Talk to Quark, he has the contract," Odo said, turning around >> to leave. >> "What are you planning to do on Bajor?" Marrissa asked. Mike10: [falsetto] Stuff. You? Tom08: [as Ro] Plan how to steal my next Starfleet vessel. Crow13: [as Ro] Blow up a few buildings, take out a bunch of innocent civilians... it'll be just like old times! >> "There is an old opponent of mine who is rather high in the >> religious orders," Tom04: Pat Robertson? >> Ro responded. "I though I'd stop by and annoy her." Mike08: Well, THAT should be easy. Mike09: She's been taking lessons from Marrissa. Mike13: More of that wacky Bajoran humour.... >> Behind them a thump was heard. Ro and Marrissa wheeled around. Tom09: Marrissa pops the clutch and tells the universe to eat her dust! All13: [make noises like heavy equipment rolling on squeaky casters.] >> Odo was >> lying on the floor, unconscience. Mike04: Meaning, he could kill without remorse if he was awake. Tom04: The Wrath of Unconscience! Crow08: Well, who KNEW he didn't have a conscience? Tom08: 7-Up... The UnConscience. Mike09: Oh, he's a touch unfeeling at times, but I'm sure he has a conscience. >> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was >> knocked out. All04: \ All08: \ All09: - [Cheering, whistling, noisemakers, etc.] All10: / All13: / Mike08: I'm glad I was there to see that. Crow08: That's a moment I can relive forever. Mike09: This is the highlight of the story so far! Crow09: Almost makes everything else worth it! All04: [singing] Ding, dong, the witch is dead...! >> Ro turned to the attacker and inquired, Crow10: [as Ro] Are those Bugle Boy phasers you're using? >> "Why did you do that? >> I've been acquitted." All13: D-OHH! Mike10: [as attacker] We know. We just wanted to make sure there were new charges you could be tried on. >> "Sorry sir," the gruff Maquis responded. Mike08: The Three Billy Goats Maquis...? Crow08: The new bedtime story --- from PocketBooks. Tom08: Sometimes the "Trek" franchise really goes overboard with these tie-ins. All04: [singing] ...sing it high, sing it low.... >> "Oh well, I assume an escape has been arranged?" Ro asked. >> "This way." Crow13: [as gruff Maquis] Sure, fine, don't say "Hi." I go to all this trouble for you, but do you appreciate it? NoooOOOOOooooo.... Tom08: So *what*, pray tell, was the bloody point of ALL THOSE TRIAL SCENES?!?!? Mike08: Just calm down... we're almost to the end. Tom08: [Breathing in long, ragged breaths.] All04: [still singing and dancing] ...ding dong, the wicked witch is dead...! >> >> A hour later, Marrissa woke up All04: [stop singing and dancing] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! [they start shaking and smoking] >> in the infirmary with a headache. Crow08: A headache that would serve her well in later life. Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, man, what'd I get a hold of last night? Mike10: [as Marrissa] Wow. What was in that strawberry juice? Oh, hi there! Mike13: The headache, realizing whose head it had inhabited, made a quick retreat. [And, as expected, Mike04, Tom04, and Crow04 go rigid, topple over, and stop moving, aside from the occasional spark.] [Cambot's update reads ] [ Fanfic status: bottom of the 12th ] [ 33 replicants destroyed ] [ 12 replicants left on base ] [ with just over one inning left to play. ] >> "What happened?" she asked, her hand going to her head. Tom10: And not knowing that a playful medical technician had wrapped her hand in quick-drying concrete, she promptly knocked herself out for two more weeks. >> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir >> responded. Mike08: I don't blame them. Crow10: [as Bashir] We have a suspect. Do you know a "Screwy Squirrel"? All09: [singing] ...And let the anvils ring! >> "Remind me to tell Odo that I'm not happy with his security," >> Marrissa remarked, sitting up. >> "I'm not happy with it either," Odo responded from a nearby bed. All13: D-OHH! Tom10: Do you suppose they have to put rubber sheets on a shapeshifter's bed? >> "Doctor, can I leave now?" Crow09: [as Odo] I have a meeting with the Governor and Benson in 10 minutes. >> "You both may go, but try not to get hurt again," Doctor Bashir >> responded. Mike10: [as Bashir] So no more of this getting caught in ambushes. Crow08: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] But I ENJOY getting hurt! Tom13: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] Oh, *thanks*, doctor. I usually go out of my way to get injured. Tom09: [as Marrissa, sarcastically] Gee, thanks for the advice, doc! I was just about to go set myself on fire until you set me straight. >> "Doctor, I'm in the Command Branch," Marrissa responded. "We're >> supposed to get hurt. Tom10: Command branch is supposed to get hurt, Security is supposed to get killed... Sciences is supposed to get spayed or neutered. Remember that, kids. >> That way we can disregard the Doctor's orders and >> pull off some feat Mike10: Like going shopping. >> while the CMO is trying to get us to return to >> Sickbay." >> "That explains a lot," Doctor Bashir stated. Mike09: Actually... no, it doesn't. >> "Oh, Lieutenant >> Jay Gordon was here. He said Crow10: [as Bashir] He was resigning, going back to Earth to play pinball and eat fast food all day, and he didn't want you stalking him anymore. >> that he would like to see you as soon as >> you can." Crow13: Nudge, nudge, know what I mean! Tom08: [as Marrissa] Tell him I'm washing my hair. >> >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ >> >> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting >> invited to all the really good parties >> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places" >> >> >> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) >> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis 13/13 All08: Finally! >> Date: 26 Nov 1996 14:34:07 GMT >> Organization: Radford University >> Lines: 97 >> Message-ID: <57ev4v$4...@newslink.runet.edu> >> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu >> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] >> >> >> >> Title: Premier Maquis >> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) >> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions >> Summery: Mike09: In Australia, maybe, but not here. Crow10: After Springy, but before Fally and Wintery. Tom08: Get thee to a summery. Crow08: A summery? Isn't that where mathematicians work? >> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships. Crow08: [as Linda Richman from Coffee Talk] No big whoop. >> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them >> >> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and >> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used >> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, >> living or dead, is entirely coincidental Mike09: Is this really necessary? I mean, would any of Ratliff's stories ever be mistaken for fact? Crow09: By Ratliff, maybe. Mike09: And there you go. My point exactly. >> >> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company. >> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996. >> >> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) >> >> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be >> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; >> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. >> By order of the Author. Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"? Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before. >> >> Epilogue Crow10: Ipecac. All09: [cheering] It's almost over. Tom13: Finally! Mike13: This story had more epilogue than plot! Crow13: There was a plot in there? >> >> "So Jay, what's up?" Marrissa asked, as they finished their >> dinner on the station's Promenade's Replimat. Mike10: So, they had to talk as soon as possible, but let the whole dinner go by without a word? >> "Let's see, we've lost three of the four Intrepids in the DMZ, Tom10: Again. Mike09: Beats losing it in a giant space amoeba. >> two of Deep Space Nine's three runabouts, Tom10: Again. >> and several other merchant >> ships are now Maquis," Jay recited. Tom10: Yet again. Mike10: When is Starfleet going to start using "The Club" on their starships? Tom09: [as Jay] And every time we capture some Maquis pirates and put them on trial, they invoke the Federation's "I really really REALLY wanted to do it" defense and get off scot free! Tom08: PLEASE tell me that they aren't going after any of these stolen ships just now. Mike08: No, he'll probably slap together a whole new story for that. Tom08: NO! Noohohohoho... [trailing off, sobbing] Crow08: Or a new story for *each* ship. Tom08: NO! Make him stop, Mike! Tom13: More exciting Ratliff action! Mike13: What would a Ratliff action figure look like? An empty box with a description of what the figure had done? >> "Has Congress or Star Fleet decided what to do about the Maquis >> Declaration of Independence?" Marrissa asked. Mike09: Besides sue the Maquis for plagiarism? Crow10: [as Jay] They think it may be a job for SuperChicken. Tom13: [as Jay] They agree with the readers: Burn it! >> "I've been too busy with >> Ro's trail to keep up." Mike08: Boy, she's going after that fee of "one dinner" with a venegence. Mike10: Once again, proof that spellcheck is totally useless to Ratliff. Did he mean "trial" or "trail"? Legitimately, it could be either one. Tom10: Is that the first time anyone has ever referred to an element of a Ratliff story as "legitimate?" Mike10: Quite possibly. >> "Congress is still debating," Jay responded. Mike10: [as Jay] But already they've decided they should get a pay raise. Crow13: CONGRESS?!?! Ummmm... Starfleet is just one big America to Ratliff, isn't it? Mike13: Let's just say he doesn't get out much. Crow08: [as Marrissa] I guess I'll just have to go lobbying Congress *again* to get what I want.... >> "Star Fleet has >> altered our patrol routes to the outside of the DMZ. Cardassian Central >> Command is doing likewise." Tom10: So, Operation "Occasional Afterthought" is proceeding nicely. Crow08: In other words, all the governments involved just instantly reversed years of policy and respected the "Declaration," because it sounded so cool...? Mike08: Politics in the Ratliverse never ceases to amaze me. >> "Sensible, but I'm sure you didn't invite me to dinner to >> discuss politics," Marrissa stated. Tom13: [as Jay] No, I'm hoping you'll put in a good word to Ratliff for me so *I* can do the dippy and illogical things, and get promoted for it. >> "No, to be honest, Mike10: [as Jay] I just figured it somehow sort of resolved some plot threads. >> it's boring on the Independence," Jay >> remarked. Mike08: It's boring everywhere in this story. Tom09: Independence Jay --- IJ4 Mike09: [as Jeff Goldblum] Time's up! Tom13: You mean being in command *isn't* all fun and games? Wow, somebody should go tell Kerstin. >> "As Chief of Operations, I'm now senior staff and Mike10: ...My voice keeps cracking. >> their >> aren't very many people who aren't nervous around me. And those that >> aren't won't associate with me due to my age." Crow09: [as Jay] Except Chief Medical Officer Doogie Howser. Mike08: [as Jay] They never invite me to the Saturday night keggers. Crow13: Can't imagine why they'd be resentful of the only commanding officer with a CURFEW!! >> "I know the feeling," Marrissa consoled. "At least you're a >> little older than I was when I became Chief of Security on the >> Enterprise." Mike08: I'm confused. Was that before or after she started eating solid food? Tom09: As disturbing as it is that they've all risen swiftly through the ranks at an when age most people are traumatized by errant facial blemishes, it's even more disturbing that they seem to be surprised there may actually be some people who might have a reservation or three about the whole deal. >> "You at least had the support of your kid's crew and some good >> friends," Jay maintained. "My first officer hasn't said any more than >> 'yes sir, no sir' since I got promoted." Tom08: Kinda goes with the job, ya little whiner. Tom13: You should hear what he says when you're *not* around. By the way, do you *really* do that to Antarean Sludgebeasts? Is that even physically possible? >> "You do have a problem," Marrissa observed. "Well you know >> where Clara and I are, if you feel the need to talk to some one. Mike13: Most people would throw themselves into a vacuum without a pressure suit before they got *that* desperate for company.... >> Meanwhile, I can get used to a handsome young man taking me out to dinner Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...As soon as we can find one. >> when we're both in port." Jay blushed. "By the way, you said you were >> going to the Academy in six months. How? After all you have to be 16 >> to be a Cadet." Tom09: Oh, like that's ever stopped them before. Mike08: But you can be Lieutenant Commander at 10! Crow13: WARNING: Very dumb logic imminent. Brain cell meltdown in five seconds. >> "Technically, Clara, Alex, and I won't be Cadets," Jay >> responded. Crow08: [as Jay] They call us "Throwaways." Mike10: [as Jay] We'll be "targets." Crow13: ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... >> "We are officers going back for additional training." Tom08: Yeah, they've pretty much thrown the regs to the wind back at Starfleet. Crow09: Yeah, that'll make 'em really popular with both the *real* ship's crew AND the cadet weenies. [Crow13 and Tom13 shut down. Mike13 slumps over, with some grey sludge oozing out his ears.] >> "When did Alex get his Ensign's rank?" Marrissa asked. Mike08: [as Jay] Found it in a box of Cracker Jacks. Mike09: [as Jay] He was the Grand Prize Winner in the Cheerios Official Be On "Star Trek: The Next Generation" contest. [Cambot starts to flash a status update, but Mike13, Tom13, and Crow13 get up again!] Mike13: We were just funning. Nobody *really* had a brain meltdown. Don't try this at home, kids. [Starts cleaning himself up.] Tom13: What was that gray stuff, anyway? Mike13: Crow says he found it in a Silly Putty jar. Aw, man, I'm *never* going to get this out of my hair. Crow13: Be careful, Mike, you're getting it all over us, too! >> "You didn't hear?" Jay remarked. "Star Fleet Diplomatic gave >> him it after he stepped in at Higanus XXII." Crow08: He reeeeally must have stepped in it. Crow13: He locked everyone up in a room and threatened them with violence. Mike13: Um, I think that *is* how Klingons negotiate. Mike10: [as Jay] After Naklab, Starfleet Diplomatic *always* sends children to negotiate treaties. Mike09: If I were a hig, I'd be really offended by that. Crow09: Maybe it's one of Stephen's little word games --- y'know, something like the fact that "higanus" is an acronym for "anguish." Tom09: Or "As in 'ugh'!" >> "The Klingon planet in Federation space that had a brief civil >> war?" Marrissa asked. Crow09: [as Jay] No, the OTHER Higanus XXII. Tom10: [as Jay] Yeah, they were killing each other over the age-old "boxers or briefs" question. Mike13: You're with the Exposition Channel! Tom08: Now he's giving us plot summaries of stories he hasn't written yet. This is worse than another introduction sequence! Crow08: Clara and the Warbird... Kids Crew at the Academy... Alex at Higanus XXII.... One more like that will finish us off, Mike. >> "Yeah, the Federation sent a mediator with Worf as an advisor," >> Jay confirmed. Mike10: But after Worf advised applying Quisp to the war-torn regions, Worf was quietly "promoted" to organizing back issues of "National Geographic." >> "Alex came along with his father. Crow08: Apparently, Worf has trouble finding reliable babysitters. >> After a bomb killed >> the mediator and injured Worf he took over and got them to stop." Crow09: With the mediator dead, we still have a staff of highly trained diplomatic personnel, but that's not good enough --- we need a teenager! Tom10: He got both sides to build on their mutual agreement that "Go-Bots" were incredibly lame. Crow13: Sooooo... Worf went from lawyer to diplomat, and then got conveniently incapacitated so that yet another kid could step in and perform a miracle? Mike13: That's about the size of it. >> "This has to be ironic," Tom09: [as Alanis Morrissette] ...Don't you think? >> Marrissa remarked. "The kid from a >> warrior race gets his rank by Mike10: ...Being a major character in a sequence of the same author's stories. >> ending a war, while us humans get it by >> going into battle." Crow09: Yep, that's how us got ours! Tom13: Oh, the irony! And some kids even have a childhood and have to *earn* their status in life! >> "Hey, you knew he wasn't going to get it the way we did," Jay >> responded. "After all we all got tired of hearing that 'I don't want to >> be a warrior' refrain." Crow09: [as Marrissa] And the song was 31 verses long to boot. Ugh! Tom10: [as Marrissa] Especially when he sang it right in the middle of "Michael Row The Boat Ashore." Crow13: [whiney] I don't want to be a warrior. Tom13: Shut up. Crow13: I don't want to be a warrior. Tom13: SHUT UP! Crow13: I don't want to be a warrior. Tom13: AAAARRRRGGGHH! [starts fighting with Crow13. Mike13 pulls them apart.] Mike13: Is it nap time? Tom08: ...Not half as tired as we are of reading this drivel. Crow08: *Pleeeeeeeease* make him stop!! >> "True, and he doesn't have the Engineering talent to follow >> Clara," Marrissa remarked. "Did you hear that Shayna just got her >> rank?" Mike08: Not *another* plot summary! NOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Sparks, smoke, and the usual mayhem. Mike08, Crow08, and Tom08 collapse ... just short of that metaphorical goal line.] >> "How did she manage that?" Jay asked. Mike09: [as Jay] How many people had to die to make way for *her* opportunity to rise through the ranks? Tom10: Starfleet gave up pretending to have standards. >> "She was the one I >> thought was going to have to go through the Academy." Crow09: No, no, you're thinking by the rules again. Mike13: Oh, right, like *one* kid was going to have a career the *right* way. Fat chance. [Cambot's update flashes on screen: ] ["So close, and yet so far...." ] [ Replicants remaining: 9 ] [ Replicants destroyed: 36 ] [ Fanfic status: 99% complete ] >> "Sorry, you lost that bet. Crow10: [as Marrissa] You have shown yourself to be fallible. Therefore I shall be executing you once you pay the bill. >> She followed Clara's footsteps," Mike13: Straight out the airlock. Tom13: Sad, really. >> Marrissa responded. "She seems to be specializing in weaponry and >> shields. Her latest is in this month Daystrom Journal. Tom10: ...Under the "Wacky Math" column. >> 'Mechanics of >> Shield Regeneration: A New Approach.' Mike09: The shields used to look like Jon Pertwee; then they took a few torpedo hits and, next thing anyone knows, they look like Tom Baker. >> I don't understand a word of it." Crow10: Ratliff must have written it. Tom09: [as Marrissa] So I'll just torture her until she confesses to heresy! Crow13: Sheesh. Even *Wesley* wasn't *this* obnoxious. >> "I told you that Clara and Shayna spend too much time together," >> Jay replied. >> >> Here ends Premier Maquis. All10: YAAAAAAY!!! Crow10: Boy, what a relief. Crow13: Here endeth the lesson. Mike13: Here be dragons. Crow13: Well, it dragged at least. Tom13: Here lies the last remaining hope that this story will somehow manage to live up to something better than the expectations that the words "Author: Stephen Ratliff" automatically conjure up. Crow09: Did we ever figure out exactly who --- or even *what* --- the "Premier Maquis" was supposed to be? Tom09: Eddington? Crow09: Ro? Tom09: The uncooperative Admiral Whosis? Crow09: The unseen Admiral Whatsis? Tom09: Gusat? Crow09: Gesundheit! Mike09: Nonono, it's really Marrissa --- she's playing both ends against the middle to consolidate her hold on power. Mike10: We made it, guys! WE MADE IT! Bots10: [chanting joyfully] No more Ratliff! No more Ratliff! No more Ratliff! No more Ratliff...! >> Next Stargazer Mission: Stargazer, Past and Present. Tom10: NOOOOOOOOO! [head explodes] Crow09: Aw, if there's another time travel story coming up I'll... I'll be indignant, that's what I'll be. Tom13: Past! Crow13: Present! Mike13: It can be all those things and more. >> Next Marrissa Story: Falling Into Command Mike10: ARRRRRRRGH! [jumps to his feet, clutches his chest, and sags to the floor] Crow09: Preferably, falling from the top of a nine-story building! >> Next Revised Story: A Royal Wedding Crow10: AUUUUUUUUUGGGGH! [collapses onto Mike10 and explodes] Tom09: Is this what they used to mean by "Triple Threat" back on Earth, Mike? Mike09: Sort of. Crow13: In the revised story, instead of Marrissa being the Princess of Essex, she's going to be transformed into a crazed fossa-like creature from Relthonzal VII and used as a cuddly yet annoying character for children's television programs. >> -- >> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University. >> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author >> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ Tom09: Let's go! Tom13: Let's go! [Mike09 stands up and picks up Tom09.] >> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/ Crow13: I can't move! Mike13: Hey, this is serious, guys. I can't move, either! Tom13: I don't know what that gray stuff was, but it wasn't Silly Putty. It's eating away all my circuitry! >> Index Maintainer as well index/ >> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ [Crow13 and Tom13 struggle a little more, then start smoking and sparking.] >> >> "I won't sacrifice this ship and crew based on a ten-second conversation. >> I need proof!" - Janeway ST:Voyager "Future's End" part 1. >> Mike13: [confused] When did she start doing that? [And with that, Mike13 slumps over, unmoving, beside Tom13 and Crow13.] Mike09: [as Janeway] It has to be at least *twelve* seconds, mister! Tom09: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PROOF!!! Mike09: I can handle getting out of here, how about you guys? Crow09: Of coarse. Tom09: Let's move twoards the exit. Crow09: Otherwise, we might be destoryed. Tom09: Congraduations on surviving! Mike09: Oh, stop that. [Tom09 and Crow09 giggle as they leave with Mike09.] [As Cambot starts back down the hallway, we see the theater filled with ] [the corpses of replicants. Truly, a sight of great carnage and ] [destruction. As the first door begins to close, Cambot flashes on ] [screen: ] [ Final tally: ] [ Fanfic status: Finished ] [ Replicants "destoryed": 42 ] [ Replicant survivors: 3 ] [..1..] [..2..] [..3..] [..4..] [..5..] [..6..] [SOL control room] [The replicant Mike (in an orange jumpsuit), Crow and Tom Servo are standing at the desk, celebrating.] MIKE: Ha ha! We did it! We survived the entire fanfic! CROW: Yeah. Now Doctor Forrester can use our personality matrix construction variable thingadoohickeymabobs to build an army of replicants and take over the world. TOM: Say, where do you suppose the *real* Nelson, Servo, and Crow are? Now that we've shown we can successfully replace them, aren't we supposed to kidnap them or kill them or something? MIKE: I dunno. Dr. F's instructions weren't real clear about that. [GYPSY moves on camera to her usual spot.] GYPSY: Hello, evil replicants. MIKE: Hi, Gypsy. TOM: Hey Gypsy, have you seen Crow, Servo and the human around here? CROW: Ah, they're probably off hiding or sulking somewhere. They're just sore losers. GYPSY: Oh, that's not true. In fact, they're getting ready to throw you a going-back-to-earth party, and they've got a present for you. MIKE: Really?! [Mike looks down behind the desk.] Sure enough, guys, here it is. [Mike reaches down and grabs a brightly wrapped package; it is about the size and shape of a framed poster. A greeting card is taped to it. Mike opens the card.] MIKE: [reading] "To our favorite replicants: Congratulations, and best wishes on your plans for world domination." CROW: Ahhhh. Isn't that sweet? TOM: Quick! What is it? Open it up! Open it up! [Mike holds the flat side of the package up so that Cambot can see it and rips the wrapping off the front. Inside is the picture which the real Mike used in his song "All Marrissa Wants." It depicts Marrissa Picard holding a scepter while wearing royal robes and a crown. Surrounding her is a group of beings from many races. There are representatives from the Federation, the Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian Empires, the Borg, and many others. They are all bowing to the floor in front of Marrissa and they all have signs attached to their backs that read: "We were beaten by a bunch of kids."] [The replicant Mike, Tom and Crow start convulsing at the sight. Sparks and smoke pour out of their heads. After a few seconds, they collapse, out of sight, behind the desk.] [After one or two final clunks, Mike (in the green jumpsuit), Tom Servo and Crow come on camera from stage left and take up their usual spots.] MIKE: Great job, Gypsy! GYPSY: [looking down behind the desk] What a mess. TOM: And there's a whole theater full of them to clean up, too. MIKE: Never mind that right now. Let's celebrate! We destroyed the last of the evil replicants! CROW: Take *that*, Dr. F! TOM: Yep. When push came to shove, those vile creations of a mad scientist just couldn't take the heat. In this rough-and-tumble world of high stress and killer fanfics, there's just no replacement for the real thing... [Tom's head twitches] real thing... [Tom's head twitches again] real thing... [twitch] real thing... [twitch] real thing.... [Smoke fills Tom's bubble. He continues to twitch and say "real thing" over and over.] MIKE: Oh no! The real Tom Servo must have been switched. We've got to find him! CROW: Right! [starts moving off camera] TOM: [stops twitching] GOTCHA! MIKE: What? CROW: Ahh ... *man*! TOM: I really had you two going there. Heh heh. MIKE: Tom, that was a very nasty prank. But seeing as how we just saved the Earth and everything ... ROOT BEER FLOATS FOR EVERYONE!! CROW: Woo hoo!! GYPSY: Yay!!! [Confetti and streamers fall. Festive music resounds. Mike blows a noisemaker. Amidst the dancing, Mike taps the flashing Mad's light.] [Deep 13] [Dr. Forrester, arms folded, is leering into the monitor.] Dr. F: Celebrate while you can, Nelson. This is only a temporary setback. I can always make more replicants, and we'll just keep trying and trying until we get this right. [Pearl Forrester walks up behind Clayton. She is dressed in combat fatigues and carrying various weapons.] PEARL: So, Clayton, you failed again, didn't you? Dr. F: No, mother, I did not fail. I only have to make a few changes and.... PEARL: Shut up, Clayton. [Pearl draws a pistol and points it at Clayton.] Dr. F: [puts his hands up] AAAaaahhh!! Mother, have you been seing those militia men again? [SOL] GYPSY: Hey guys, check out the monitor! [The guys stop dancing and look at the Deep 13 monitor.] [Deep 13] [Clayton is slowly backing away from Pearl, who is still pointing the pistol at him. Her back is now turned to the camera. Then, another Pearl Forrester walks up to Clayton. She is dressed as a 1950's-TV-style housewife and is holding a white feather duster.] SECOND PEARL: Actually no, Clayton, thanks for asking. I've just decided to get rid of you once and for all. Dr. F: [noticing the second Pearl] Mother?!? [SOL] ALL: [looking into the monitor] HUH? [Deep 13] [Now both Pearls have their backs to the camera. Clayton is still slowly backing up. A third Pearl Forrester comes up behind him and grabs him. This one is dressed in a business suit.] PEARL: What's the matter, son, don't you recognize me? [All three Pearls treat us to evil laughter appropriate for your finest villains.] Dr. F: [now suitably terrified] THREE of you? You're ... you're REPLICANTS? But, but how...? When...? Who...? PEARL: "Who?" You want to know who defeated you so brilliantly at your own game? Maybe this will jog your memory.... [Pearl continues to speak, but now the voice that comes out of her sounds like a whiny, bratty kid.] PEARL: "No, Clayton! Please don't take my milk money. Please don't beat me up. Pleeeeeeeease!" [Clayton stops as he recognizes the voice.] Dr. F: Timmy? Timmy Toadstool? PEARL: [still using Timmy's voice] That's TOLSTOY!!! Timothy Tolstoy! For years you bullied me, calling me names and making my life miserable. I became a mad scientist just like you, to prove I was better than you. And now I have my revenge! [SOL] [Mike and the bots stare into the monitor.] MIKE: This is getting *way* too weird for me. [Deep 13] [All three Pearls now have their backs to the camera as they face Clayton. Pearl #1 still has her pistol trained on Clayton.] PEARL #3: [as Timmy] So you wanted to make replicants, did you Clayton? Well, *I* beat you to it. These are *my* creations. And now that they've passed my little test, I can make an army of them and take over the world! But first, Clayton Forrester, I want you to know who defeated you. I want you to know which one of us really is better. [Pearl #1 points her pistol at Clayton's head. The others move towards him menacingly.] Dr. F: No ... NO ... WAIT! [As Clayton steps backward to avoid their grasp, he stumbles and falls. Standing behind him is ... Pearl Forrester. She looks very disheveled, but she is grinning like a maniac and --- most importantly --- she is aiming a high-powered rifle at the replicants. She blasts replicant #1, who drops the pistol and stumbles backwards a few steps.] PEARL: Timmy, you just made the wrong enemy. [Pearl spins the rifle around, cocking it a la "The Rifleman." She blasts the second replicant, and then the third. She continues advancing, firing a dozen shots until all of the replicants have collapsed to the floor.] [SOL] [All stare silently, open-mouthed, at the monitor.] [Deep 13] [Clayton slowly stands and walks over to Pearl. Pearl stands near the control panel once again. She is looking down, pointing her rifle at the replicants lying on the ground.] PEARL: Here's a message for you, Timmy Toadstool. Your replicants did a lousy job of kidnapping me. And your life is only *starting* to get miserable. [Pearl gives the replicants one final blast, then sets the rifle down.] Dr. F: Mommy, you saved me! PEARL: Come over here and give your mother a hug. [Clayton hugs Pearl and lays his head down on her shoulder. Pearl wraps one arm around his shoulder and pats him comfortingly.] Dr. F: Oh, Mommy. Those mean old replicants *frightened* me! PEARL: There, there, it's all right, Clayton. Dr. F: You'll protect me? [Clayton begins sucking his thumb.] PEARL: That's right, Clayton. Everything's all right. [Clayton snuggles his head on Pearl's shoulder.] PEARL: Mommy won't let the nasty old replicants get you.... [Clayton smiles contentedly.] PEARL: If *anyone's* gonna take you out, it's gonna be *me*. [After a brief pause, Clayton's eyes grow wide. Pearl, smiling slightly, reaches over with her free hand and ... pushes the button.] \ | / \ | / \|/ ---o--- Fwshhhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ [Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Star Trek in all its incarnations, and its related characters and situations, are trademarks of and copyrighted by Paramount Studios. Anything written by Stephen Ratliff not owned by Paramount is copyright Stephen Ratliff. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred. Ernest Borgnine won the Oscar Award for Best Actor in 1955 for "Marty." Thank you for your patience. Please deposit trash in the designated receptacles as you exit the building.] >> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously. >> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?" >> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied. >> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys, try the brig,"