MST - My Immortal
By Yesmar
-HTML Version located here: http://mstingcanon.com/MyImmortal.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTES:
-This MSTing has been rated PG-13 for pervasive language, some sexual
situations, and brief scenes of violence/suicidal language.
-When viewed on mobile platforms/tablets, this work is best viewed in horizontal
orientation.
-Please direct questions or comments to my email address at mstingcanon@gmail.com
-For similar works such as this, please visit my web site, The MSTing Canon, at
mstingcanon.com.
-Now just sit back and enjoy. . . .My Immortal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nighttime on the SATELLITE OF LOVE.]
JONAH (O.S.): Aaaaaaahhh!!!!!! What’s happening to me?
[JONAH rushes onto the bridge, wearing pajamas and an old-timey bed hat. He’s
looking around in a panic, and patting his various body parts, almost as if he
doesn’t believe they exist.]
JONAH: What is- How is- I don’t under-
[TOM and CROW come on from opposite directions.]
TOM: What’s the matter, Jonah? I was just entering into the third period of my
hibernation cycle. That’s when it’s time for Dream Servo to climb into a
hot tub with a glass of scotch, a Cuban cigar, and a lovely female Servo by
his side.
CROW: I was having the best dream myself. (Faces screen) There I was, a young
girl on the Canadian prairies, with only my trusty steed Buttercup to keep
me company. Sure, she was just a pony, but ah, we were both discovering
what it means to blossom into mature woman-
JONAH: Forget all that! Why are we like this?!
TOM: Like what? I don’t notice anything.
JONAH: You mean it hasn’t come to your attention that we’re-we’re-we’re TWO
DIMENSIONAL!
CROW: Oh cool, you’re right! We’re text based again.
JONAH: You mean this has happened before?
TOM: [Sighs] Yes, Jonah. What? You’ve never had your spatial dimensions
flattened out in order to participate in a text based story before?
JONAH: No!
CROW: Jeez, next you’ll tell us that you’ve never been transformed into pure
energy and explored the universe for hundreds of years either.
JONAH: No! Wait, that happened to you?
CROW: Well, just the once.
TOM: Yeah, the two dimensional thing used to happen all the time though.
Probably stopped around, oh, fifteen years ago, give or take?
CROW: That sounds about right.
[JONAH starts controlling his breathing, gradually moving from hyperventilation
to a more manageable level.]
JONAH: OK, OK. I think I’m getting a handle on this. Just calm down, breathe
slowly, and everything will be-
[TUBE comes down to suck JONAH up for the opening.]
JONAH (O.S.): Ahhh!
[TOM and CROW stare up at it before returning their attention to each other.]
TOM: Buttercup, huh?
CROW: Yep. [Pause] Yep.
NARRATOR: In the not too distant future,
Next Sunday, AD
There was a guy named Jonah
Not too different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit
A distress call came in for him at half-past noon
That’s when an evil woman trapped him on the dark side of the moon.
KINGA: I'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst I can find (la, la, la),
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we'll monitor his mind (la, la, la)
NARRATOR: Now keep in mind that Jonah can't control,
When the stories begin or end (la, la, la),
So he'll have to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends,
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT: Stage left.
GYPSY: Like my new voice?
TOM SERVO: Crow sucks!
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW: So does Tom.
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts (la, la, la),
Then repeat to yourself,
“It's just a show,
And I should really just relax,”
For Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 (Guitar twang.)
[SOL Bridge. JONAH is back in his regular jumpsuit.]
JONAH: So what do you guys...do when you’re like this?
CROW: Oh, just the usual. Read bad fanfics.
TOM: Crazy rants.
CROW: Spam emails.
TOM: Jonah, did you know that you can MAKE.MONEY.FAST. by following these three
simple steps?
JONAH: Err.. no I didn’t, but looks like the Mads are calling.
[Cut to MOON BASE 13. KINGA is rubbing her hands together gleefully, while MAX
appears to be dancing around.]
KINGA: I’ve finally gotten my father’s dimensional modifier working again, and
now it’s time to complete his experiments in-- MAX! What the hell are you
doing?
MAX [Singing to himself]: ~La, la la~ ~Oooh, ooh~ I feel as light as a feather!
KINGA: Max!
MAX: What?
KINGA: It’s time for the experiment, and here you are bouncing around like a
--like a--like a--thing that bounces or something!
MAX: But Kinga, don’t you feel so free this way? Without a third dimension to
tie me down, I feel as if I could float off into the sky.
KINGA: Max, I don’t know if you’re aware, but we are currently on the moon. If
you floated up into the sky your blood vessels would start expanding,
then your capillaries would burst and then--
MAX: [Stops dancing.] All right, all right. (Crosses arms in front of himself.)
You take the fun out of everything.
KINGA: Anyway, time for the invention exchange. You first, Web 1.0.
[SOL Bridge]
JONAH: An invention exchange? Now? Jeez, I wasn’t expecting anything. [Turns to
TOM and CROW.] You guys got any ideas?
CROW: Actually, we do have a box of stuff from back when we were still doing
this in text. It should be under the console there.
[JONAH reaches down and picks up a medium sized box from underneath the counter.
The top is caked with dust, which JONAH blows off.]
CROW: Little more. [JONAH blows again.] Liiiitle more. [JONAH blows.] Still too
dusty, try again.
JONAH: Oh for Pete’s sake, I’ll just open it up. [JONAH opens the box and takes
out a series of posterboard slides, copyrighted 2003 at the bottom.]
TOM: Oh I remember this one. I’ll take over from here. [Clears throat.] Do you
ever find yourself searching for something on Yahoo and say to yourself
“Hey whatever happened to that guy with the lazy eye from high school? How
would I ever find out? There’s no online directory for that.”
JONAH: Huh?
CROW: Well now there is. [Nudges JONAH.] Can you get that big one there?
JONAH: Oh, of course. [JONAH holds up a slide featuring a screenshot of a very
familiar looking web page for Michael J. Nelson.]
TOM: Yes, now you can tell everyone what your favorite movies and TV shows are,
post pictures of your birthday party-
CROW: Or just spout whatever idiotic thought comes into your meaty, primate
mind. You humans make me sick.
JONAH: Um, guys?
TOM: Want to make that cashier at Blockbuster jealous?
CROW: We’ve got that covered too.
[JONAH mouths “Blockbuster?” silently.]
TOM: Our latest version comes with an option to say “Single,” “In a Relationship,” or--
JONAH: Let me guess- “It’s Complicated?”
CROW: We were actually going to go with “It’s a Mess,” but I like your idea
better.
JONAH [Looks at slides]: You guys came up with this in 2003?
CROW: Yep.
TOM: Cutting edge, huh?
JONAH: Guys, I think we need to talk.
[MOON BASE 13. KINGA and MAX are staring intently at the viewscreen.]
KINGA: Yes, yes! This is genius! Max, are you taking notes?
[SOL]
JONAH: Well, thanks! That’s a first. Do you have an invention yourself?
CROW: Yeah, what about that big thing behind you?
TOM: And what about Scarecrow’s brain?
[MOON 13. The camera has panned back to reveal a large mock up standing on an
easel behind Kinga and Max. The words are hard to make out but it appears to
consist of publicity photos for various bands. The text is an unreadable neon
green on a black background.]
KINGA: Our invention? [Looks behind her] No, nothing, we couldn’t come up with
Anything.
MAX: But Kinga, what about our social med-…?
KINGA: [Sing songy] Shut u-u-u-p. [Talking to herself.] Imagine. The entire
population of the world giving up their personal information to be sold
to the highest bidder. And you don’t even have to *trick* them! They’re
doing this all voluntarily! The first person to monetize this is going to
go down in evil genius history! Max, get some venture capitalists on the
phone. I’ll give them a presentation that will knock their socks off.
MAX: Aren’t you forgetting something?
KINGA: Oh right. [Turns to the viewscreen.] Your experiment for today. I was
going through some older files from my father and Auntie Pearl the other
day. Apparently, the closest they ever came to breaking their subjects
was not through film. Oh sure, you had your Manoses and your Eegahs that
did a lot of work in tearing down their subjects, but looking at the Deep
Hurting charts, I saw something interesting. The highest peaks were in
the experiments involving written content. Immediately, I knew that I had
to succeed where my forefathers had failed. I had to find the most
horrible, IQ-depleting story on the Internet. And then I did. Prepare to
enter the gothic daydream fuelled world of “My Immortal,” by one Tara
Gilesbie, aka XXXblooodyrists666XXX. Max, send them the story.
MAX: Actually, earlier, I kind of just meant saying “please.”
KINGA: Send them the story Max!
MAX: [Quietly] OK.
“Story in the hole!”
[SOL. JONAH has just finished explaining something to TOM and CROW.]
CROW: Wait, Zucker-who?
TOM: Yeah Jonah, I’ve never heard of this “Facebook” site of yours.
JONAH: Well, don’t take my word for it. I’m sure there’ll be an army of law--
[LIGHTS start flashing and alarms start going off.] Ahh! We’ve got fanfic sign!
TOM: I can’t believe we’re doing this again.
JONAH: Hey maybe it won’t be so bad. The Internet’s grown up a lot since 2003.
>My Immortal
>Chapter 1.
>
>AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven,
JONAH: Her Guardian Force?
CROW: Her Green Fairy?
TOM: Her George Foreman grill?
>bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!
JONAH: Feel free to start that anytime, Raven!
TOM: The case of Gilespie V. Raven was not a long one.
>Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
CROW: Sorry Justin. Bringing “luv” to somone’s “deprzzing” life is only good
enough to rok. In order to ROX you need to try a little harder. Have you
thought about starting a pop punk band?
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way
ALL [Monotone]: Hi, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.
>and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name)
TOM (Ebony): Don’t worry, I’ll be getting to the Dementia explanation soon enough.
> with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like
>limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who
>she is get da hell out of here!).
CROW: What if I know who that is, but just have have doubts you look like her.
TOM: “Limpid tears?”
JONAH: I think it’s best to let some of this go, buddy.
>I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking
hottie.
CROW: Oookay.
JONAH (Ebony): Sorry, I forgot. I’m technically Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Appalachian Way.
>I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
TOM: As vampires’ teeth generally are, yes.
JONAH: I’m pretty sure vampires’ teeth are known for nothing more than being
very straight and white.
>I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in
>England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you
>couldn’t tell)
TOM: And here I thought she was a Pict!
>and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For
>example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black
>leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick,
>white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
JONAH: Nah, that’s not Hot Topic. Not enough Nightmare Before Christmas.
>I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun,
>which I was very happy about.
>
CROW (Ebony): It was nighttime too, so that helped.
>A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
>
>“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….
CROW: Rupaul?
TOM: The Backstreet Boys?
JONAH: The ghost of Tom Waits?
>Draco Malfoy!
>
ALL: Oh.
>“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
>
>“Nothing.” he said shyly.
>
>But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
>
TOM: [Ebony] What’s that? Her hair’s is on fire?
JONAH: [Draco] I don’t hear any-
TOM: [Ebony] Yeah, sorry my friends’s hair or dog or something is on fire.
Gottagobye!
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
>
CROW: No, it IS not.
JONAH: I can’t tell if that is supposed to be slang for fans or thanks.
TOM: Either one seems to be setting her up for a lot of disappointment.
>Chapter 2.
>
>AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma
>story ok!
>
TOM (Cartman): You will respect ma authoritay!
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
CROW: You can recognize the Antichrist by the Mark of the Beast hidden within
its header.
>The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened
>the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.
TOM: This is a weird update of Dick and Jane.
>My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the
>ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.
CROW: We took of our giant MCR t-shirt, and gave of our Fallout Boy CDs, amen.
>Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black
>fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind
>of messy bun.
>
JONAH: So she’s precisely styled, except for the hair?
TOM: Well, Tara has to save up her energy for more riveting narration.
>My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped
>her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green
>eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy
>high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black
>eyeliner.)
>
>“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
>
[GYPSY descends into the theater to drop off her payload.]
GYPSY: She had to get dressed first just to say that?
CROW: Much like Ebony, Willow finds it difficult to do more than one thing at
the same time.
>“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
>
>“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into
>the Great Hall.
>
>“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.
>
TOM: Jonah, remind me again when goths started talking like Cher in “Clueless.”
JONAH: Well, being a goth is all about rebelling against whatever is popular in
mainstream culture, so I guess whenever Alicia Silverstone fell out of
favor.
TOM: When did Batman and Robin come out?
CROW: 1997?
JONAH: Yeah, that sounds about right.
>“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
>
>“Hi.” he said.
>
>“Hi.” I replied flirtily.
>
>“Guess what.” he said.
>
>“What?” I asked.
>
JONAH (Willow): Yeah, forget what I said about your guys’ chemistry. I guess you were right.
>“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
>
>“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides
>MCR.
>
>“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
>
>I gasped.
TOM (Ebony): Everything in that past sentence was grammatically correct.
>Chapter 3.
>
>AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da
>good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4
>Good Chralotte.
JONAH: Ok, so there’s a lot to unpack here. Who wants to begin?
CROW: Good Chralotte is my favorite cheese dish at that new Swiss restaurant.
TOM: Odderwize sounds like some sort of river mammal with large milk sacs. I
would not want to meet an odderwize.
JONAH: I think I see an incantation there to summon good spelling. Let me try.
[Closes eyes] “Omm..Omm.. Fangs Agen Raven, Fangs Agen Raven.”[Opens eyes
again.] Did it work?
>
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.
>Underneath them were ripped red fishnets.
TOM: [Ebony] Hmm…maybe taking these directly from that pier was a bad idea.
>Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.
CROW: [Ebony] I then put this thing on my head which had all this hat stuff on
the back front and some slippers on my feet which had all this shoe stuff
on the back and front.
>I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.
>I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I
>waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.
JONAH: And that helped?!
>I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black
>lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human
>blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
TOM: [Ebony] They have a Red Cross tent set up there so I thought I should stock
up on some O-.
>I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a
>Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black
>nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
>
JONAH:[Ebony] AN: I’m having a seizure. Please send help.
>“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.
>
TOM: “Hi. Ebony.” he said in an excited voice.
>“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license
>plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.
CROW: [Ebony] We also got dinner at that place with the food, and went out for
drinks afterward at that place with the alcohol.
>On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both
>smoked cigarettes and drugs.
JONAH: [Snorts]
TOM: [Tara] That’s what you say, right Raven?
CROW: [Raven] Umm...sure. My check is in the mail, right?
>When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the
>front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
>
>“You come in cold, you're covered in blood
>They're all so happy you've arrived
JONAH: Oh hey Carrie, how was the prom?
>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
>She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
>
CROW: Free range children. The reality.
TOM: [Mother voice] Go on sweetie, go out in the meadow Ebony. OK, we’ll be back
in five years!
JONAH: That would explain a lot.
>“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with
>his amazing voice.
>
TOM: [Caveman] He Joel. Me Ebony.
>Suddenly Draco looked sad.
>
>“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
>
>“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
>
CROW: [Ebony] The other members of the band, sure. The entire opening act,
obviously. The guy that sold us these concert tees, of course. But Joel?
No, I don’t like Joel better than you.
>“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
>
>“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking
>Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
>
JONAH: Now the Dementia name is starting to make sense.
TOM: Now?
>The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert,
>we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with
>them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but
>Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into………………………
JONAH: A Mentos Commercial?
CROW: The old Dick Cavett Show set?
TOM: The Chocolate River tunnel in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory?
>the Forbidden Forest!
>
CROW: Oh, that was my next guess.
>Chapter 4.
>
>AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
ALL: [Laugh uproariously]
TOM: If you say so.
>DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
>
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
JONAH: [Draco] Starring in a bad self-insertion fanfic. Why? Is that not
obvious?
>Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out
>of it too, curiously.
>
CROW: Aww, she’s imprinting.
>“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.
>
JONAH: [Enoby] I didn’t know we were 2,000 feet above ground, Draco!
>“Ebony?” he asked.
>
TOM: Um, excuse me, it’s actually Enoby.
JONAH: Enoby Nut Mary Su, thank you very much.
>“What?” I snapped.
>
>Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing
>color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then
>suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
TOM: [Dreamily] That pain is gone.
>And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed
>on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.
JONAH: [Draco] Gee whillikers Ebony, I’m so keen on you! Would youse like to go
steady with me and go get a soda pop sometime?
>He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his
>thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
CROW: Poor Draco. I’m just imagining him trying to jab a square peg into a
circular hole over and over again.
JONAH: I mean, that’s about the grade level of those descriptions
>“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss
>everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
>
>“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
JONAH: Oh, it’s the author’s mom.
TOM: Let’s hope it’s J.K. Rowling.
>It was…………………………………………………….
CROW: Someone known for their cursing I assume.
>Dumbledore!
CROW: ...Or Dumbledore.
>Chapter 5.
>
>AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor
>swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!
JONAH: Plus, he was taking some Ambien and we all know how that goes.
>PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
>
TOM: Au revoir, au revoir, au revoir, au revoir, au revoir! [Looks closer.] Oh
wait.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
>
>“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
>
CROW: [Enoby] Ef u don’t like the Fat and Furryious movies u r a dum prepz!
>I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we
>went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor
>McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
TOM: [Alan Rickman] I don’t recall our contract involving having to show up in
every teenage girl’s fanfic.
>“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious
>voice.
>
>“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.
JONAH: Ok, that’s not too out of character. One point Gillespie.
CROW: I don’t know; that feels more like something Maggie Smith herself would
say.
TOM: I’m pretty sure they played that line as her Emmy clip every year for
Downton Abbey.
>“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
>
TOM: [Snape] That’s my groove pad.
JONAH: Tom, I don’t want to ever think of Professor Snape having a groove pad
ever again.
>And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
>
CROW: Being in love means never having to say you’re sorry for ruining the
sanctity of a national park.
>Everyone was quiet.
JONAH: They couldn’t believe that was his excuse.
>Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said.
>“Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
>
CROW: [Dumbledore] Even us?
TOM: [Snape] You’re *grounded*, Dumbledore!
>Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
>
CROW: They still hadn’t figured out why we liked Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
>“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.
>
>“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and
>changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black
>high heels.
TOM: [Enoby] I like to relax by putting on the most uncomfortable pair of
footwear I own.
>When I came out….
>
>Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’
>by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.
>We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into
>his room.
>
JONAH: “Say Anything” this ain’t. Hell, I’d settle for “I’ll Do Anything.”
>Chapter 6.
>
>AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
>
CROW: I’m “revowing” vengeance every time we start a new chapter. Does that
count?
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>The next day I woke up in my coffin.
JONAH: [Enoby] Aw crap, did I slip into unconsciousness and get mistaken for
dead and buried alive again? I hate it when that happens.
>I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with
>red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull
>earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.
>
TOM: [Enoby] Inhaling the fumes from all the spray paint is another reason I end
up in my coffin at the end of the night.
>In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a
>glass of red blood.
CROW: Nothing says you’re hardcore more than eating General Mills novelty
cereals.
TOM: [Enoby] And then for lunch I had Spaghetti-Os, but with BLOOD instead of
tomato sauce, and for a drink I had some Capri-Sun, but instead of juice it
was BLOOD. I haven’t figured out a way to add blood to Lunchables yet, but
when I do, watch out.
>Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
>
>“Bastard!” I shouted angrily.
JONAH: [Enoby] You accursed scalawag! Now we must duel!
>I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a
>gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner
>that I was going down his face
JONAH: Woah, Enoby, come on! Let’s slow down here. I know you’re into makeup,
but this is a little extreme.
CROW: How much eyeliner would you have to wear for you to have run out of room
around your eyes for it, and have to extend it into the rest of the face?
TOM: No wonder he bumped into Enoby. He probably can’t see out of the crusty
black scabs covering his eyelids.
>and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore
CROW: “Glasses”? Oh no.
>and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on
>his forhead anymore.
CROW: “Scar”? Oh no…
>He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly
>like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of
>like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
TOM: [Enoby] I just flopped onto the floor due to heat exhaustion while Harry
Potter there stumbled around with his eyeliner masks on.
>“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.
>
>“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.
>
>“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he
>grumbled.
JONAH: [Harry] I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m a vampire. I’m just wearing
red contact lenses, bleaching my skin bone white, and caking on eyeliner.
I don’t get it.
>“Why?” I exclaimed.
>
>“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.
>
>“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.
>
>“Really?” he whimpered.
>
>“Yeah.” I roared.
>
TOM: This chapter’s types of speech provided by Mad Libs.
CROW: Raven’s pretty much just subbing in words randomly at this point, isn’t
she?
>We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a
>surprise for me so I went away with him.
>
>Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
>
JONAH: I feel like accidentally breaking a mummy’s curse and bringing him to
life would be preferable at this point.
CROW: Has Tara Gilespie been dead this whole time? That would explain a lot.
>AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt
>chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie
>Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4
>godz sake!
JONAH: [Tara] Her Mom accidentally taped over her copy of “The Corpse Bride,”
OK? And they were all out of black nail polish at Hot Topic! Give her a
break!
TOM: [Tara] For God’s sake she doesn’t even know how to spell her own religion!
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was
>wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a
>Maru Sue 2 u?).
TOM: You know, I hear Ebony’s Kobayashi Maru time is only 15 seconds less than
Marrissa’s.
JONAH: Who?
TOM: [Chuckling] Oh, you’ve got a lot to learn Jonah.
>I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of
>me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We
>went into his room and locked the door. Then…………
>
CROW: Kramer burst in with a new crazy scheme?
JONAH: The universe collapsed in upon itself, turning everyone and everything,
including Draco and Enoby into beings of pure mathematics and energy?
TOM: A poorly written make out scene ensued?
>We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.
TOM: I win!
>He felt me up before I took of my top.
CROW: Now there’s a proper gentleman. Always make sure you do something romantic
for your girlfriend, like feeling her up, before she takes off her top.
>Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and
>started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.
>(c is dat stupid?)
>
JONAH: [Midwestern teacher voice] Ooh, you know dat’s so stupid nowadays how all
the kids are having the sexual intercourse and they’re not even using any
magical protection.
>“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a
>tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm.
TOM: [Enoby] Um, Draco, honey, when did you become cursed to display the stories
of the damned on your body for all eternity?
>It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the
>words………… Vampire!
>
CROW: [Gasps] Oh no! He’s a “Twilight” fan.
>I was so angry.
>
>“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
>
TOM: [Enoby] I can not believe that you are not Team Jacob!
>“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
>
>“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”
>
JONAH: Hi everyone, we’d like to take some time out of this MSTing to let you
all know that being HIV positive isn’t anything to be shamed for or used
as the basis for some cheap joke. Maybe Tara Gillespie and the rest of us
can come together and learn something about each other for the rest of
this story, and maybe just maybe [Jonah rambles on quietly under the next
bit of text]
>I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was
>naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.
JONAH: Aaaand now we’re back.
>I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a
>lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
>
>“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.
CROW [Dumbledore]: Hey, you stole my shitty characterization!
>Chapter 8.
>
>AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!
JONAH: So only preps floss in this universe?
TOM: Jonah, you have to understand that proper dental care takes up precious
minutes that could be better used applying pounds of eyeliner.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX
>
>Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though
>he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
>
>“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.
JONAH: [Draco] It happens to every guy, OK!
>My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.
CROW: Well, there’s a first for something in this story.
>She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like
>blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was
>wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.
JONAH: [Race Announcer] And the narration has veered wildly off course, crashing
into the nearby stands.
TOM: Why does it feel like Tyler Durden just spliced in a frame from a different
movie?
>Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her
>mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.
CROW: [Boggy Creek Child] And then, and then, a unicorn showed up and gave
everyone candy, but the candy turned into worms so a, a, a, a werewolf
showed up an turned everything back.
JONAH: [Boggy Creek Mother] Uh huh, and what was the unicorn’s name honey?
>She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns
>out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to
>Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
>
TOM: So, the character is basically Hermione in name only, except for the fact
that her name’s not even Hermione.
JONAH: Pretty much, yeah.
CROW: I mean, she’s female. Got that going for her at least.
JONAH: Yeah, and she’s the same age that Hermione was at some point in her life.
>“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold
>voice but I ignored him.
>
JONAH: [Snape] You clinking clanking collection of collgenous junk!
>“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.
>
JONAH: Huh?
CROW: Er...cut! Are we allowed to say that?
TOM: [Director] Ebony, honey, I think you missed a couple lines.
>Everyone gasped.
>
>I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so
>is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart.
JONAH: [Draco] Welcome to my dimension reader!
TOM: And now we’re in “The Sound and the Fury” apparently.
>He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good
>friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha,
>like I would hang out with a prep.)
CROW: [Draco] Even though I just said I went out with him before he was gothic.
>“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.
>
>“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into
>the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into
>tears.
>
TOM: ... I mean sometimes, you gotta just let this stuff speak for itself.
JONAH: Let’s go guys.
[SOL Bridge. TOM and CROW are wearing archaic looking helmets, and decked out in
what appear to be animal skins. A shield hangs across each of their chests.
JONAH enters.]
JONAH: Hey everyone, welcome back to- [Looks at TOM and CROW.] What are you
guys up to?
TOM: Well Jonah, while reading today’s story we thought that being a Goth
sounded like a lot of fun, so Crow and I decided to go online and see what
we needed to put together in order to take part in the Gothic lifestyle.
CROW: Yeah! We’ll be yelling at teachers and skipping out on class in no time!
JONAH: I see, I see, and when you Googled “goth” you got-
TOM: Oh, so many results Jonah. Sacking Rome, creating a large Medieval empire…
CROW: I had no clue that Enoby’s forebears were so notable….[Aside]Not sure
where things went wrong there.
JONAH: And for fashion you decided to just skip Hot Topic and get your advice
straight from-
TOM: The history books themselves! Move over Anna Wintour; I think the fine
folks at Encyclopedia Britannica have a few things to teach you.
JONAH: Where did you even get what appears to be….raccoon fur? [Rubs CROW’s fur
cape between his fingers.]
TOM: Don’t worry, Jonah, that’s not raccoon.
JONAH: Oh good.
CROW: Yep, just ordinary skunk.
JONAH: [Pulls hands away] Oh ew!! Why are you even wearing a cape made out of
skunk?
CROW: It’s the cheapest we could find on such short notice, obviously.
Especially if you remove the scent glands yourself.
JONAH: And did you?
CROW: Of course not.
JONAH: [Makes disgusted face] Look, moving on, I think you guys might have
misinterpreted certain...elements about Gothic culture
TOM: But the writing in today’s story was so crystal clear!
JONAH: Be that as it may, there are certain….differences between, how can I put
this, “modern-day” Goths and the ancient Gothic culture you’ve been
reading about online.
CROW: I did notice that there was a noticeable lack of eyeliner in Encarta’s
article about Goths.
TOM: Yeah, and there don’t appear to be any pop punk bands listed in the section
on Gothic musical practices.
CROW: How did they even frighten their parents?
TOM: Where are the altars to Marilyn Manson?
JONAH: [Aside] I think I know a guy that has a couple of those….Look, a Goth
from 2007 like Enoby has as much in common as a Goth from 207 as Crow
does with an actual crow.
CROW: What do you mean “actual” Crow?
TOM: So what you’re saying Jonah, is that we’re actually more authentic than
other types of Goths.
JONAH: Well, I mean, maybe, I guess. That would depend on-
TOM: So that’s why we don’t match up with Enoby and her group. They’re just a
bunch of posers!
JONAH: I don’t know about-
CROW: Yeah! I bet they’ve never even skinned a wild animal with their bare hands
and then sown their fur together to make a protecting yet still very
fashionable pair of mittens!
JONAH: Have you guys?
TOM: Who cares Jonah? We’re authentic and original and they’re not! Isn’t that
what being a Goth is all about?
JONAH: You know what you guys?
TOM AND CROW: What?
JONAH: I think you just might be right. [JONAH hits the commercial sign button.]
[JONAH and THE BOTS reenter the theater.]
>Chapter 9.
>
>AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if
>dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent
>lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
>
JONAH: Oh yeah, I was really missing that strong friendship that Harry and Snape had forged in the books.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX
>
>I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry
>against the tree where I did it with Draco.
>
TOM: [Enoby] I thought that the used condoms would add to the ambience of my emotional breakdown.
>Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything
>started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like
>Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t
>gothic.
CROW: You mean he wasn’t an obnoxious poser who had taken over the body of a
beloved character?
>It was…… Voldemort!
>
JONAH: Writer’s tip 129: If you want your readers to be suprised by the identity
of a new character entering a scene, try not to describe them as
literally looking like said character.
TOM: Writer’s tip 146: Try not to use the phrase “All of a suddenly…”
>“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t
>run away.
>
>“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.
CROW: Screaming in laughter, I presume.
JONAH: [Enoby] Crap! Why did I think that throwing an oversized tabby cat at him would work?
>I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
>
CROW: So she’s a sadist, I see. That explains a lot.
>“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”
>
JONAH: [Voldemort] But would thou mindest writing some sonnets for me first?
>I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face
>looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I
>thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke
>up?
>
JONAH: [Attenborough] As the elder wizard stalks his prey, he stands, taken
aback, watching her with curious eyes as she starts mumbling to herself.
TOM: [Enoby] Um, Voldemort, would you mind holding off on the menacing threats
for a little bit? I have some issues to work through here.
CROW: Enoby finds herself puzzled by the concept of linear time.
>“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
>
>Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
>
TOM: Well, we know the author’s American at least.
>“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
>
>“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
>
>Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
JONAH: [Valley Girl Voldemort] Like, guy! It’s, like, all over school you guys
are doing it.
>“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou
>know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his
>broomstick.
CROW: Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Dealing with a mildly perturbed teenage
girl drives him into a rage.
>I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the
>woods.
>
>“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”
>
>“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and
>messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard
>Way.
>
TOM: I will be refusing to dignify that “pun” with a response.
>“Are you okay?” I asked.
>
>“No.” he answered.
>
>“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.
>
>“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making
>out.
>
JONAH: Ah, young love, exciting and new. Think about it, won’t you?
>Chapter 10.
>
>AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary
>isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!
>
CROW: Reading these author’s notes every chapter is tiring enough for me, I
can’t imagine what it’s like for the author as they expel them onto the
keyboard.
JONAH: [Reporter] Well a very very heavay uh…heavay… duh…burtation tonight. We
had a very darist darison. Bite, let’s go ahead and terish tazen low
shklibet that had the pep.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with
>my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.
TOM: [Enoby] We couldn’t decide which name we liked best, so we just used them
all!
>I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.
JONAH: [Enoby] Well, air guitar.
>People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other
>people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him
>Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)
CROW: ...and that’s the most characterization he’ll get.
>and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming
>and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t
>die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a
>c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)
TOM: A vampire’s biggest weakness is their constantly clogged arteries.
JONAH: Well, Draco has had some trouble with plaque buildup because of all the
blood he drinks.
CROW: What about refusing to write t-h-i-s s-t-o-r-y instead?
>and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put
>on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said
>Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.
>
CROW: You also might think I’m a writer, but I’m really not.
JONAH: OK, that’s enough for now.
>We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into
>tears.
>
JONAH: [Chuckles] It never gets old.
>“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.
>
TOM: The concertina was an odd addition to the band’s instrumentation, but most
hardcore fans of Bloody Gothic Rose 666 say that it’s really what makes
their songs “sing.”
>“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came
>and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him,
>because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then
>Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
JONAH: [B'loody Mary] Yeah, that certainly is a pickle. Hey, what do you think
the Great Hall is having for lunch?
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.
>
TOM: Now see, *this* is what Polonius should have done.
>“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser
>muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)
JONAH: Woah, woah, hey now. Let’s cool it a bit with the foul language.
CROW: I know. “Poser”? That’s a bridge too far, Draco.
>I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.
>
>We practiced for one more hour.
ALL: [Laugh]
TOM: [Enoby] Well, anyway, now that that’s over with.
>Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this
>time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.
>
JONAH: He had been listening to their music.
>“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis
>time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)
TOM: Jonah, can you check my Scrabble tiles for me? I need to figure out what I
can play off of c and y.
> “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”
>
CROW: But, but..you just said that-
JONAH: Crow, what did I tell you?
CROW: But Jonah, she just said that he couldn’t...Agh!
>Chapter 11.
>
>AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp
>c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!
TOM: This chapter deals with really “sris” issues like Chud Abs and Drag Acting.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck
>off and I ran to my room crying myself.
CROW: [Daphne from “Hobgoblins”] You and your stupid thoughtfulness can go to
hell!
>Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room
>cause he would look like a perv that way.
>
JONAH: And as we’ve already established in this story, Hogwarts has an
impeccable, professional reputation that must be upheld.
>Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over
>my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin
>Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit
>suicide.
TOM: [Tour Guide] Students at Hogwarts are provided with the most luxurious
amenities possible. Each bathroom comes equipped with its own meat locker
featuring multiple rows where students can store a variety of cuts of beef.
Steak, ground chuck, there’s even a drawer for vegetables. All this can be
yours for 80,000 pounds a year.
>I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress
>with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends
>and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it.
CROW: [Enoby] Hey! My conspicuous consumption isn’t curing my depression!
Instead it’s just making me feel emptier and emptier inside. What gives?
>Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was
>taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their
>broomsticks.
ALL: [Laugh]
JONAH: Plus, to make matters worse, the two of them were looking at *thespian*
porn!
CROW: That’s an odd detail to end on. Good to know they’re not floating in
midair I guess.
TOM: Tara must have added that in in the editing process to avoid any lawsuits
from Stephen King.
>“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR
>WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.
>Suddenly Vampire ran in.
TOM: [Vampire] I sense the presence of Marilyn Manson.
>“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.
CROW: So this is gonna be one of those fanfics, huh? OK, I can roll with that.
>I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started
>screaming and the camera broke.
JONAH: So this is gonna be one of those Tarantino films, huh? OK, I can roll
with that.
>Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved
>his wand and suddenly…
>
>Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.
JONAH: So Dumbledore’s pretty much given up at this point, right?
>“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”
TOM: [Disembodied voice] Oh, and uh, WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES as well.
>“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A
>SATANIST!”
CROW: To be fair, that appears to be a prerequisite for attending Hogwarts these
days.
>“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand
>where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him.
JONAH: The dripping hand was a bit diminished by the rivers of blood pouring
from Snape’s “gazillion” gunshot wounds.
>“There must be other factors.”
>
>“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.
TOM: Tonight, on Crossfire!
>Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape
>is still there!”
CROW: And tapes never forget!
>I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink
>enough blood.
>
>“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands
>on his clook.
CROW: Hey, do you think she means cloak or co-
JONAH: Cloak, she means cloak.
>And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not
>know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood
>because I felt faint.
TOM: Two compelling, yet vastly divergent points of action. Let’s make a list of
the pros and cons of each, shall we? One, feeling shocked and happy. The
pros to this are the warm feelings that are soon to be coursing through
your body, and making you-
JONAH: Tom, buddy, are you OK?
CROW: I think the fanfic’s made him snap, best to let him wind down on his own.
TOM: -Of course, if one is a believer in Reginald’s theory, that at any given
moment, each human has a set amount, or “reservoir,” to use the common
parlance, of happiness to draw on, which….(continues talking under the
text)
>“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving
>his wand in the air.
JONAH: [Singing] Wave your wand in the air like you just don’t care!
>Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50
>Cent.
CROW: Oh good, rock rap remixes. That’s just what this story was missing.
>“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was
>afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.
JONAH: [In a baby voice] Snape had seen a weely cweepy picture of Satan in his
pop up book and he was afraideded that Enoby and her friends were weely
bad people.
TOM: ...which of course would lead to Hagrid’s untimely death. So in summary, wait, where am I?
>“Because I LOVE HER!”
JONAH: [Singing softly] You gave me faith ‘cause you believed.
TOM: [Singing softly] I’m everything I am
CROW: [Shouting] Because YOU LOVED ME!
>Chapter 12.
>
>AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik
>dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!
CROW: [Tara] Please see my policy paper on this topic that was submitted before
the Subcommittee on Education this past Wednesday.
>how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat
>was sedric ok!
TOM: [Tara] I don’t know how you can all expect me to remember something as
irrelevant as my characters’ names! Sheesh!
>XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case
>anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I
>knew that we must both go together.
JONAH: Oh right, I forgot about that time when Drago left Gondor to fight with
the Rohirrim and gave Enoby his silver knife.
CROW: I think that scene was only in the Sillyrillion.
>“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.
TOM: That’s not actually Enoby’s inner monologue; we’re just reading Tara’s
stream of consciousness as she tries to remember who’s in this scene.
>He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes
>rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
JONAH: Well, that’s certainly a neat trick, I suppose.
>I stopped. “How did u know?”
>
>“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”
>
>“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.
TOM: [Starts out conversationally] Hey you guys, I’m sorry, but could you please
tell me… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
CROW: Yeah, can we go back to when the story was just Enoby raiding Hot Topic
and listening to pop punk bands?
>“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with
>foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning
>bolt! Save me!
JONAH: Oh that’s no big deal. It just means that Athena is about to burst out of
your head fully formed.
>then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him
>bondage!”
TOM: I know that might sound weird, but J.K. Rowling did just tweet last night
about Voldemort’s interest in the Wizarding World’s S&M scene.
>Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists Snap and
>Loopin and HAHRID
JONAH: Gesundheit!
>were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were
>pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot
>gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.
CROW: That’s a lot more information about Dumbledore’s sexual proclivities than
I care to know.
TOM: [Dumbledore] I swear to to God, doc, I fell at *just* the right angle.
>I put up my middle finger at them.
>
>Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.
>
>“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.
TOM: [“Hargrid”] These were p. expensive, so you better be s. nice to me, OK?
>“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like
>fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being
>gottik.
JONAH: [Enoby] He kept trying to get me to be “gothic,” whatever that means.
>“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”
>
>“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had
>brought me pink roses.
TOM: [Laura Wingfield] Actually, I prefer Blue Roses.
>“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from
>getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and
>Loopin.”
CROW: Ah, 2007, when Paris Hilton was shorthand for celebrity scandal, instead
of whichever Kardashian has popped into relevancy this month.
>Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.
TOM: [Krusty] Oh wait, I said the misspelled party loud, and the correctly
spelled part quietly.
>“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.
JONAH: [Girly Voice] Whatever! You don’t know me!
>He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at
>them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all
>you haD TO SAY! .
>
TOM: The Magical World was suffering from a dearth of quotation marks in those
days.
>“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.
JONAH: Ah yes, that font of wisdom, AZLyrics.com
CROW: Oh, that explains things. Enoby has just been using her limited brain
power to memorize MCR lyrics.
>“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus
>merengo mi kremicli romacio
TOM: I know that the Vatican is still coming up with new Latin vocabulary words
but this is ridiculous.
>(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you
>girl!)imo noto okayo!”
JONAH: Foul, that’s just Pig Latin!
>And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And
>it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.
TOM: [Enoby] A prep would never be able to make a black flame *black* as well.
>“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”
CROW: [Hagrid] What the fuck is Drako? Hoo boy, do you have a couple hours?
>Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.
>
>“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz
>n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”
JONAH: Wow. Uh, congratulations goes to the word “find,” I guess for being the
only thing spelled correctly in that entire sentence.
CROW: Go home Dumblydore, you’re drunk!
TOM: Dumbledore’s one of those 50 year olds that discovers texting for the first
time and completely overdoes it.
>“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.
TOM: [Hagrid] I was on a yoga retreat when I had the idea for a Coca-Cola ad,
OK!
>dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have
>said something back.
>
>Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”
CROW: I understand why Dumbledore didn’t say anything back. You just can’t argue
with toddlers.
>Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was
>all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I
>put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong
>on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u
>don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black
>eyeliner and black lip gloss.
TOM: [Enoby] Thank God I’m out of the hospital. I was suffering from ridiculous
outfit withdrawl.
>“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly.
JONAH: Oh no, Tara’s discovered anime. Run!
[All scream in terror.]
>“Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my
>wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.
CROW: [Enoby] Hmm, that’s weird. I don’t recall having corndogs.
I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy
>on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic
>Creatures.
TOM: A very specific discipline, but it has its fans.
CROW: I didn’t know Hogwarts had a cosmetology school.
JONAH: [Vampire] Help, I’ve fallen inside of a mammoth’s fur and I can’t get
out!
>He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in
>love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.
>
>“Hi.” he said in a depressed way.
[GYPSY descends into the theater to pick up her payload.]
GYPSY: Hasn’t Vampire ever been told that he shouldn’t talk with his mouth full?
>“Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.
>
>We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so
>much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each
>other.
JONAH: [ala Joel in “Eegah”] I guess they’re working through their grief.
>“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was
>watching us and so was everyone else.
CROW: [“McGoggle”] Don’t make me yell more goofy British insults at you!
>“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved
>Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.
TOM: [Enoby] He’s my sister, he’s my daughter, he’s my sister, he’s my daughter!
>Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. .
>his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
CROW: Wait a second...This sounds familiar
>“NO!” I ran up closer.
>
>“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.
CROW: Oh crap, the film broke!
>“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with
>foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was
>happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”
JONAH: Maybe the characters will actually DO SOMETHING about it this time.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX
>
>SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
TOM: [Tara] You’re the one that took that advanced class in copyright law. I can
only read at a 1st grade level.
>HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I
CROW: [Tara] OH WAT, NEVER MIND I WARING IT.
>Chapter 13.
>
>AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such
>a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!
JONAH: I’m actually finding these author’s notes about missing sweaters and
Gerard Way posters more riveting than the actual story. Anyone else?
TOM AND CROW: Oh yeah, yeah.
>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>
>Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.
>
>“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.
>“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.
JONAH: [Dumbledore] I’m trying to watch my stories in here.
>“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time.
TOM: [Enoby] Jinx! You owe me a Coke.
>He laughed in an evil voice.
CROW: So if a headache is the excuse for Dumbledore cursing, the explanation for
this will be what, malaria?
>“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” we begged.
>
>“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how
>much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned
>looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away.
JONAH: [Dumbledore] Bye Felicia!
TOM: Dumbledore is quickly becoming my favorite character in this story.
>Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)
JONAH: [Tara] You know, when they don’t have AIDS and stuff, as previously
mentioned.
>“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood.
>Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.
CROW: [Vampire] I had an idea once, two years ago! Haven’t really done much since.
>“What?” I asked him.
>
>“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we
>were in Voldemprt’s lair!
>
>We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”
TOM: [Announcer] Everyone please welcome our next performer, about to start his
three week residency at the Copacabana. I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t’s Mohammed!
>It was……………………………….. Voldemort!
CROW: Finally!
JONAH: And now it’s time for us to leave.
TOM: Aw, actually leaving us on a cliffhanger? Making us actually want to read
more? You’re good Kinga!
[Back on the SOL Bridge, JONAH and THE BOTS are standing around, agony reflected
in their faces and voices. JONAH rubs his temples, and then goes on to rub TOM
and CROW’s throughout the next scene.]
JONAH: Wow, some story today, huh guys?
TOM: You’re telling me, Jonah! We’ve had some bad stuff over the years, but this
has to be up there as one of the worst.
CROW: It does make me long for the sweet release of an early Ratliff.
JONAH: Ratliff? Is that one of the guys that you had to read before?
CROW: One of them. [Pause.] Hey Jonah, I could put a reading list together for
you if you wanted to catch up. [Laughs.]
JONAH: Hmmm...your maniacal laughter does give me pause, but…. [Cheery] Sure,
what the hell?
TOM: Oh Jonah, Jonah, we’ve got quite a list to put together for you. Crow, come
over here and let’s confer. [CROW comes over to TOM and they huddle
together, loudly whispering. Their conversation is mostly indecipherable
but every so often a name will be heard.]....Guerin!.....Clare Mosely…
.Gonterman, of course!.....Oscar?
[The two of them zoom off on the left side of the bridge. GYPSY enters from the
right side of the bridge.]
GYPSY: I don’t know, Jonah. I think you might have given those two guys some bad
ideas.
JONAH: Oh I don’t know. It’s just fanfiction. How bad could it be? I mean what
we read today was pretty bad, but…[To himself.] Actually, now that I
think about it, it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced! And
I just agreed to read more of this? [To TOM and CROW offscreen] Um, guys?
[The whispering noises stop, and TOM and CROW enter the bridge, and move over
towards JONAH. CROW is holding a long computer printout in his beak.]
TOM: Ok, so we’ve put together a syllabus for you.
[CROW awkwardly places it on the counter.]
CROW: It’s only 200 sheets long. We had a couple dozen more pages, but we
weren’t sure if you would be able to handle them. How tolerant are you of
tentacles?
JONAH: Not very? Look, I don’t know about this. I mean, sure, I’ve written some
fanfic myself back in the day-
CROW: Woah! Back up, buddy.
TOM: You wrote fanfic?
GYPSY: Way to bury the lead, Jonah.
JONAH: Oh, it wasn’t anything major. Just the kind of stuff kids in the 90’s
always wrote.
TOM: Go on.
JONAH: You know, stuff like The Backstreet Boys meets Scooby-Doo.
CROW: Huh?
JONAH: There was one where the Super Mario Bros. had to team up with the cast of
Moonlighting to solve a murder. Which of course led them to the world of
Yu-Gi-Oh.
CROW: Those are certainly some….interesting crossovers.
JONAH: Oh, they weren’t all crossovers. I had one where the cast of Naruto
bought a horse farm and got mixed up with local politics and zoning
issues in the Midwest.
TOM: I see…
JONAH: Oh wait, I forgot. There is a cameo from a Mr. Smith when they all have
to go to Washington to do battle with an evil peregrine falcon that’s
masquerading as the Senior Senator from South Dakota. He’s obviously too
young to be the Jimmy Stewart character, but [Chuckles to himself] I like
to think that they’re all part of the Capra Cinematic Universe. You know,
I think I might have some lying around on a hard drive somewhere.
TOM: [Quickly] Oh no, that’s OK. Oh look, the Mads are calling. [Nervous
laughter.] Any more fanfics for us, by any chance?
CROW: Preferably ones without anime zoning battles.
JONAH: Hey!
GYPSY: I’d like to read some, Jonah.
[MOON BASE 13. MAX is typing furiously on a laptop while KINGA paces around
dictating to him.]
KINGA: How about this? Instead of suggesting videos that complement and provide
more context for the previous ones, we design a service that just
suggests videos that dive further into the viewer’s fears and prejudices?
MAX: Yes, yes, Kinga! Your evilness truly knows no bounds. [Keeps typing, then
looks up disappointed.] Oh...It looks like that’s been taken too.
KINGA: Blast it! What is an evil genius supposed to do when all the great ideas
have been used already? Isn’t there any method to take advantage of web
users that hasn’t been implemented yet?
MAX: Don’t worry Kinga. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.
KINGA: [Sighs] I guess I’ll have to take some time to think things over. [Looks
up at the viewscreen.] Oh don’t worry Jonah, my dear. I haven’t forgotten
about you. There’s 31 more chapters of “My Immortal” waiting, just
waiting, for someone to come along and read them. [Laughs maniacally]
Until next time, push the button Max!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
CREDITS
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Created By
Joel Hodgsen
MST: My Immortal
Written By
Yesmar
FEATURING
Jonah Ray
As
Jonah Heston
Baron Vaughn
As
Tom Servo
Hampton Yount
As
Crow T. Robot
Rebecca Hanson
As
Gypsy
ALSO
Felicia Day
As
Kinga Forrester
Patton Oswalt
As
Max
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
LEGAL INFO
-Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are copyright
Best Brains Inc. This MSTing is not meant to infringe on that copyright.
-The Harry Potter characters and their situations are copyright J.K. Rowling.
-The fanfic “My Immortal” and the characters of Ebony/Enoby Dark’ness Dementia
Raven Way, and Willow belong to Tara Gilesbie/XXXbloodyrists666XXX. This MSTing
is not meant as a personal attack on the author of the work that is being MSTed.
-Translation for “darist darison” joke provided by Urban Dictionary.
-For similar works, visit my website at: http://www.mstingcanon.com
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX