MST3K is property Best Brains Inc, no infringement on any copyrights is intended, this is purely for entertainment purposes and anyway if I wanted to make any money doing this, I'd be working for the Brains. Special thanks to JBalt, Ian Rasmussen and Neofreak for helping out on this. Note to Nathan Bredfeldt: If you're reading this, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? *SEASON 9 CREDITS, TITLE SEQUENCE* 6....5....4....3....2....1...()=() *THE SOL IS DARK, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY DIM...SOMEHOW THIS IS ALL STRANGELY GOTHIC. ANYWHO, SOFT INDUSTRIAL MUSIC IS PLAYING. WE HEAR TOM'S VOICE* TOM: People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes...sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with the soul and the soul can't rest. And sometimes...just sometimes the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right... *CROW, WITH A WHITE FACE AND BLACK LINES AROUND HIS EYES AND LIPS, RISES, WEARING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BLACK DUSTER. HE LOOKS AROUND OMINOUSLY IN TIME TO THE MUSIC* TOM: *continuing* I had heard this story as a little sprocket....but little did I know that it would happen to my friend...and that Crow would become... "The Crow"! CROW: I have been brought back to put right what once went wrong. For I, Crow, am now The Crow... *MIKE can be heard* MIKE: Guys, why's it so dark?...WAAAH! *WE SEE A BODY FALL STAGE RIGHT, THEN MIKE GETS UP* MIKE: Cambot, turn on the lights. *THE LIGHTS COME ON. CROW IS INDEED SPORTING A BRANDON LEE "CROW" LOOK. TOM HOVERS IN* TOM: Mike, why'd you ruin such a great scene? CROW: Yeah this was my big break. MIKE: *TAKING ONE LOOK AT CROW* Having your Professional Wrestling fantasy again? TOM and CROW: NO! MIKE: Then what is it? TOM: Cambot was helping us make a movie. MIKE: What movie? TOM: The Crow. MIKE: What about Crow? CROW: No Mike...THE Crow! MIKE: The...*SCRATCHES HIS HEAD* If that isn't the stupidest thing I've ever heard....*WALKS OFF CAMERA. WE HAVE COMMERCIAL SIGN* TOM: Hey Mike, get back here, Commercial Sign! CROW: I think you should get it. TOM: My arms don't work. CROW: *SIGH* Must I do EVERYTHING around here? *CROW BOPS THE LIGHT WITH HIS BEAK. WE HAVE MST3K LOGO AND COMMERCIAL* *WHEN WE COME BACK, MIKE AND THE BOTS ARE ARGUING* MIKE: Brandon Lee? Well I kinda liked Victor Perez in the sequel... TOM: Figures. CROW: FANBOY! *THE MAD LIGHT IS BLINKING. MIKE TAPS IT* *WE TAKE YOU NOW TO CASTLE FORRESTER, PEARL IS IN THE FOREGROUND, SMIRKING EVILLY. OBSERVER IS WITH HER. ALSO APPEARING TO BE IN A MALEVOLANT MOOD. THERE IS A GUY IN A TUX IN THE BACKGROUND, HE'S TIED TO A TABLE AND HAS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A 60'S BOND STYLE DEATH RAY POINTED RIGHT AT HIS CROTCH. THE SECRET AGENT HIMSELF IS A SPOOF OF SEAN CONNERY.* PEARL: Hello Mike, Tom, Bot called Sting... SECRET AGENT: Now I have NO idea why I'm in thish rediculoush position and an even lessher idea jusht who or WHAT you are! BOBO: Now just sit tight there. Lawgiver will be with you shortly SECRET AGENT: Do you exshpect me to talk? BOBO: *SITS DOWN IN A COMFY CHAIR BESIDE HIM* Well only if you want to. So, seen any good movies lately? PEARL: *OVER HER SHOULDER* No fraternizing with the prisoner, Bobo! BOBO: But Lawgiver, I'm lonely. PEARL: *SIGH* You see what I have to put up with here, Mike? Anyway, Ortega's cousin is coming, so he's pretty jacked about that. So I figured, "Hey, why not take over the world while we wait?" You are about to witness the conquering of the world through Animal Rights Activism. I figured hey, Kim Basinger can do it then why can't I? *SHE RUBS HER HANDS TOGETHER* Once I unite my jungle friends, I can bend their will to serve me and to turn on their human oppressors.... SECRET AGENT: You fiend! That'sh the shtupidesht idea I've ever heard... PEARL: Shut up! SECRET AGENT: Impertinant woman... OBSERVER: Well Pearl, you can't say it sounds like you put much thought into it... PEARL: Brain Guy, did I ASK for your opinion? OBSERVER: No ma'am. PEARL: Then when I want it, I'll ask for it. Capice? OBSERVER: Yes ma'am. PEARL: Today's experiment has an interesting story behind it. earlier today, I was using my Macintosh Powerbook to hack into the old Deep 13 Archives to see what may have come closest to breaking you because, Let's face it, you can't hack without a Mac Powerbook. Anyway, I found a little film called Manos... BOTS: AAAAAGH! PEARL: The Hands of... BOTS: AAAAAGH! PEARL: Fate. BOTS: AAAAAGH! *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Oh. I can see it holds a special place in your hearts. Excellent. SECRET AGENT: Manosh? DEAR GOD, WOMAN! Have you no sensh of decenshy! PEARL: SHUT UP! SECRET AGENT: Fine. I'll jusht shtay here then. *SOL* MIKE: What's your ruse, Pearl? TOM: Yeah, and why do you rip open that old wound? *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Well, fortunately I won't make Servo and Crow sit through it again, and I won't be making you watch it either. *SOL* BOTS: WHEW! TOM: Thanks, Pearl. *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: However... *SOL* CROW: However? PEARL: However, apparantly according to an IRChead named Nathan Bredfeldt, Manos is something to be admired and emulated, hence today's experiment.... THE SEQUEL! BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! *The Bots start running around in general panic* PEARL: *SINISTER CHUCKLE* Yes, What you are about to see is the product of his insanity. Just to give you an inkling of the beating you're in for, Mr. Bredfeldt even gets the title wrong. Get ready for a great weeping and gnashing of teeth, Here comes...MANOS: HAND OF FATE 2! But first, to soften you up, a short titled "Make $3500 PER WEEK using your home computer." Bon appetit! BOTS: AAAAAGH! ****MOVIE SIGN***** ALL: WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!! *THEY DASH INTO THE THEATER* 6....5....4....3....2...()=() MIKE and the BOTS take their places in front of the screen forming those famous three sillouettes. Subject: Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 02:03:01 MIKE: With love... From: MIKE: Me To: MIKE: You. 15774 S. LaGrange Road CROW: I really hope ZZ Top isn't involved in any of this. Orland Park, Illinois 60462 MAKE $3500 PER WEEK using your home computer! MIKE: *excited voice* Break the law using your home computer! Put My FREE Software In Your Computer CROW: And be ASSURED of daily system crashes! Start Making Huge Amounts of Cash....Without Working!! MIKE: I certainly can see where the "without working" part fits in... Now here's the program: You never need to talk to anyone! TOM: Because your friends will all leave you! That's the beauty of this. You risk nothing with my proven formula. You will make money from the first time you put my FREE software in your computer -- GUARANTEED! CROW: And you'll be a complete and gullible idiot -- GUARANTEED! TOM: So essentially he's saying that if you put his stupid copy of Minesweeper into your computer, you'll make easy money. Don't worry if you don't have any computer expertise. MIKE: We prefer you that way. I am in my forties TOM: Offensive statement breaks the tackle.... and like most of my generation, TOM: it's at the 40, the 30, the 20... I am computer helpless. TOM: TOUCHDOWN! They have offended baby boomers, the crowd goes wild! MIKE and CROW: *Non-committal* Yay. But the software is so simple, even I can use it. TOM: But will it ship before or AFTER Bill Gates meets with the US Supreme Court? I will show you how to turn your home computer into a money machine so you don't have to work. This money machine is the perfect employee . . . it never takes a day off; it never asks for a raise; it never quits. MIKE: It never earns what it's worth... CROW: It never works productively... TOM: It's FANTASTIC! It simply works its little heart out making money for you around the clock, MIKE: Awww, it's the little scam that could. 24-hours a day - 7 days a week. CROW: 365 days a year, 100 years a century, 10 centuries a millennium... *GYPSY comes in from the left* GYPSY: And don't forget Leap Year! *Gypsy leaves* TOM: What in the Atlanta Braves was that? CROW: Sometimes I'm frightened to know her. Now I want you to have your own money machine, TOM: *singing* Those magnificent men in their money machines... so you can have a financial miracle happen in your life too! MIKE: Sit around with a crashed system while I milk you for every penny you own! I am making this offer because I want everyone who reads this opportunity to experience the thrill of making more money in a month than a lot of people make in an entire year. TOM: Because you're special and I want to swind...I mean, HELP you. The fact is, people all across the country, people just like you, are bringing in thousands of extra dollars per week with this easy to follow program and FREE software. You can do it too. It doesn't matter where you live or what your background is. MIKE: And in five years you'll be... TOM: Dead... CROW: Poor... ALL: Or both!!! Now do you see why I am so excited? ALL: No I can't help it. TOM: I'm incredibly hammered! I have stumbled onto what is far and away the easiest and most amazing money-making system ever discovered and I want to share it with you. CROW: What an enthusiastic con man! Let me put your mind at ease right here and now. TOM: Just stand perfectly still while I take aim... This proven program is a 100% legitimate, legal and ethical. ALL: *breaking out laughing* THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! TOM: What an enthusiastic use of CAPS LOCK! I think I know you, what you are going through. CROW: Oh yeah? Let's see YOU sit through Touch of Satan, pal! I'll bet you are like most other individuals. Have you worked hard all your life for other people? MIKE: Yes. CROW: Mike... And after all that work, what do you have to show for all that work? MIKE: You kidding? I'm stuck up here! TOM: Mike... Did someone else keep most of the profits and pay you only enough so you couldn't afford to quit? MIKE: PAY? Me? See denero uno? I don't think Forrester even PAID me. CROW: Mike, buddy come back to us... your turn to make the money that you have always admired in other successful individuals. MIKE: YEAH! PAYBACK TIME! TOM: MIKE! MIKE: What. CROW: You're buying into this. MIKE: I am? Oh. I'm sorry. He just had me going with the working for other people bit. TOM: That's how they get you. MIKE: Yeah, forgive me? CROW: For now. You deserve to be the boss for once and have the perfect "employee"(your home computer) MIKE: Somebody's never used a Mac. CROW: *sarcastically* Yeah I got yer perfect employee right here! go to work for you. And, you deserve to keep all the rewards and spend the money yourself. ALL: Suuuuuuuuuuure Your ticket for financial freedom is ready and waiting for you to claim it . . . and right now. TOM: *italian accent* I claim this ticket for financial freedom for Spain! The best thing about my system is that there is no selling to do!! This system is different that any system than anything you've seen. CROW: This is a twisted variation of the "Five Year Plan", isn't it. It's new and exciting. All you need is my free software and my start-up kit and you can start immediately. TOM: Brain not included. I am going to show you how to turn your home computer into your own money-making machine. With your permission, I will E-mail you to you my start-up TOM: *sniff* But I don't WANNA get e-mailed to me! CROW: They already have a word in English for at-home money making machines...COUNTERFIETING! kit and FREE software that costs thousands of dollars to produce. This software will get your message out to thousands of people day and night and you will get all the money!!!. TOM: Spammers of the world unite! Here's the deal: If you will order my "complete start-up kit" for making huge amounts of money with your home computer . . . CROW:... we WON'T kill the kitten. without working, I will send you my FREE software to put into your computer so the money can come rolling in real soon! ALL: Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', keep those E-Scams rollin', RAWHIDE! Direct Quotes From Actual Letters About The Money Making Program TOM: "This thing sucks!" MIKE: "Where's my money? I thought I was supposed to make some money!" CROW: "Titanic on a Water Slide!" It Literally rained money ... ALL: *singing* It's raining money...hallelujah it's raining money... $500.00 TO $1,600.00 DAILY "I simply put the free software in my computer and watched the computer do all the work. MONEY POURED IN!!! IT LITERALLY RAINED MONEY!" TOM: IT RAINED MONEY, I TELL YOU! IT RAINED MONEY!!! MIKE: They're coming to take me away, ha ha. M. Richards - Florida CROW: Mary Richards? MIKE: Michael Richards? TOM: Morty Richards, brother of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards? "With less than $35.00, I have turned my computer into a money machine! My computer is bringing $500.00 to $1500.00 every single day. MIKE: Yeah, it's cheap to turn your Pentium into an ATM. E.Rohleder - Kansas TOM: *Singing* Carry on, my wayward son. 30- DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!! Why do I offer a 30-day, money-back guarantee? Because my system has the proven track record to back me up.All I ask is that when you test this system you TRY IT FOR AT LEAST ONE FULL WEEK AND FOLLOW THE SIMPLE, STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS which I will outline for you. CROW: Outline? Is this a scam or a high school final? TOM: Within these pages I have made a chart to table your money loss... errr...gain with in the first few weeks. If you do this ans CROW: ANS? This IS a high school final! still are not totally amazed at your income, TOM: ...We will find you and we will kill you. simply provide some kind of proof that you have at least tried it and failed, MIKE:...and the DA will have enough evidence for charges. a situation I perceive to be impossible. This method is too powerful and too simple, but if for some reason you are not successful, then I will CROW: Throw a really big temper tantrum! gladly return your money immediately. To make it better, you can keep my FREE software. MIKE: Hey this thing is better than Windows 98!! TOM: Was that a joke? MIKE: I cannot tell anymore.... Send for my system today or you'll be disappointed tomorrow. CROW: There he goes threatening us with eternal unhappiness again, Who DOES he think he is? Next week you could be earning MIKE: 15 to 20 in a state correctional facility. an additional $3,500 per week or more to spend as you like; but first, you must take the necessary steps to receive my free software, i.e., TOM:...you must be suckered into believing this crap. You must order the start-up kit that will show you how to make huge amounts of cash with your home computer. MIKE: Oh great, Scam needs an Installer Kit. The retail value of this software and start-up kit is well in excess of $100, but we are offering this entire MEGA MONEY-MAKING PACKAGE for a total cost of $34.95. You have nothing to lose TOM: Except if you count the $34.95. and a lot to gain. CROW: Like weight! So let me hear from you today MIKE: *psychotic* Oh you'll hear from me all right.... FOR CREDIT CARD PROCESSING CLICK HERE NOW!! TOM: We do not hold responisbilty if you choose to try. For Credit Card Orders Go Here http://208.196.84.168/cgi-bin/index.cgi TOM: So that's it, then? If you wish ALL; AAAAGH! to order by mail instead then please make check or money order for 34.95 payable to USA FINANCIAL and please remember to include your Email address and your phone number CROW: So we may bother you some more. in case we have any problems delivering to your email address...WE WANT YOU TO HAVE OUR PROGRAM SO YOU TOO CAN MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU EVER DREAMED OF ...WITHOUT WORKING!! CROW: I'm starting to understand the "Without Working" thing. USA FINANCIAL 15774 S LAGRANGE ROAD ORLAND PARK, ILL 60462 TOM: *scared* OH god the spam's starting over! FOR CREDIT CARD PROCESSING CLICK HERE NOW!! CROW: Come on, you know you want to! For Credit Card Orders Go Here http://208.196.84.168/cgi-bin/index.cgi *MIKE and the BOTS get up and leave* 6....5....4.....3....2....1...()=() *CROW IS SITTING AT A PC AND TOM AT A MAC. MIKE COMES IN FROM THE LEFT* MIKE: Hello everyone, You seemed to have walked into one of Tom and Crow's moments of inspiration. You see, they were so influenced by today's short that they started their own little Spam War. Let's see how it's going. CROW: *TYPING* Growing my marvelous soup beans can get you lots of money and terrific sex... TOM: *AT THE COMPUTER* By giving money to your local Servos of America Organization, you yourself can get many different prizes like a new car... MIKE: Soup Beans or Servos of America. Who's going to win? CROW: I am, Mike! Hehehehehe. Eat my killfile, fireplug! TOM: Ah, so you have done the old Repeated Forward trick. But Crow, once again you find that there is nothing you cannot possess that I cannot take away. BRACE YOURSELF FOR IMMEDIATE MAILBOX CLOG! MIKE; Ow, pretty underhanded, Tom. CROW: ARRRRRGHHHH!!!! Mailbox...filling with....chain letters....must.... return...fire... MIKE: Man is this getting ugly. *THE MAD LIGHT STARTS FLASHING. MIKE TAPS IT. PEARL'S IN THE FOREGROUND, OBSERVER AND BOBO AT COMPUTERS IN THE BACK.* *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: We're having a little emergency here, guys. BOBO: *IN BACKGROUND* OOH, Soup Beans! OBSERVER: *IN BACKGROUND* Oh, Servos of America? Now THAT is a noble cause! BOBO: Soup's good for the economy! OBSERVER: Servos built America! PEARL: They're trying to decide what to blow their life savings on. TELL THOSE BOTS TO STOP OR I'LL CUT OFF YOUR OXYGEN!! *SOL* TOM: We don't breathe air. CROW: That's okay, Pearl! Mike can die as long as I beat Servo! MIKE: Hey! TOM: Not a chance, Bowling Pin Beak. CROW: Ah, send ME attachments, will you! Touche! MIKE: This is getting out of hand. Cut the power to the computers, heck, even give us Movie Sign if you have to...just stop this! TOM: Have fun cleaning your mailbox, Crow! CROW: Never! *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: *sigh* If it'll stop their incessant little Spam War... *MOVIE SIGN* ALL: MOVIE SIGN!!!! *THEY DASH INTO THE THEATER* ()=()....6....5....4....3....2....1.... CROW: Movie Sign crashed Windows, Mike! TOM: I got an error! MIKE: It's all for the best, then. *They sit down* MANOS: HAND OF FATE 2 TOM: Oh...my...god... CROW: Hail Mary, full of grace... MIKE: What. Script by: Nathan Bredfeldt MIKE: What's wrong? I don't see what's so bad about it. Nathan Bredfeldt, pefectly normal name. CROW: Mike, I really suggest you brace for impact. With help from the kind folks of #mst3k (Most notibly rush_ and Mike) MIKE: Hey! I had absolutely no part of this! Notes: -This, being my first draft, is still a work in progress. Please treat it as such, CROW: *NATE*...toss it in the garbage can and make fun of the mockery that is my pathetic life. and feel free to offer feedback of any sort. TOM: Oh he is just ASKING for it. CROW: Does a rock through this guy's window count as feedback? CAST: MIKE: The Perpetrators. Agent Nate: Nate TOM: *as NATE* I wrote a horrible movie and dammit I intend to star in it! Agent rush_: rush_ ALL: *singing* Hurry hurry love will come to me... Bartender: Addams Denise: ??? CROW: That's her name? "???"? MIKE: She goes by The Artist Formerly Known as "@#%&*^#$". Ed Howzer, Chief of operations: kscully TOM: kmulder... MIKE: kkolchak... CROW: kmannix. Make Out Couple: ??? CROW and TOM: AAAGH! TOM: Not them again! MIKE: Who? CROW: Don't ask, don't tell Mike. Mary: ??? Mew: Mew Officer Bert Hansen: WabitTwax ALL: *laughing like Elmer Fudd* State Trooper: Skunkboy CROW: Why do I get the feeling Nathan cast all his internet chat buddies? TOM: Cuz they're the only friends he has. The Master: Torgo/Mike MIKE: Hey! Torgo: Mike Nelson MIKE: HEY! I had nothing to do with this script! CROW: You're in the credits. Somebody up there hates you. Torgo Jr: Locke CROW: Are we reading that right? Torgo Junior? MIKE: WHO IS TORGO? TOM: I pity this man, Crow. CROW: He is not ready. Wife #2: ??? Wife #4: ??? Cindy: ??? TOM: Parties who wish to remain anonymous.... Rebecca: CROW: And of course, Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Script. CBI HEADQUARTERS MIKE: CBI? CROW: Deep hurting....DEEEEEEEP HURTING. TOM: I never thought I'd say this...but what I wouldn't give to be watching Hobgoblins right now. MIKE: I don't see what all the big fuss is about. It doesn't LOOK any worse than Hobgoblins. TOM: Be afraid, Mike...be VERY afraid... (The movie opens with a basic police station type place. CROW: *Nathan* The International House of Pancakes, is that Police Station enough? (use stock footage) It is daytime, and the place is loaded with people doing stuff. TOM: *Nathan* Hey, let's be as vague as we can! The camera slowly pans across the room.) (Cut to) OFFICE (A slightly overweight man sits behind a cluttered desk. He is writing something on a piece of paper; MIKE: *MAN* ...I can no longer bear the pain that is Manos 2. By the time you read this, I will be dead. a distressed look crosses his face, TOM: He realizes he's in a Manos script. stays there. ALL: SQUATTER'S RIGHTS! The name plaque on his desk reads "Chief of Operations, Ed Howzer" Ed checks his watch, his face switches to a look of annoyance. He then returns to his writing. A few moments later, there is a firm but rapid knock on his door.) TOM: It's the Suede/Denim secret police. ED Come in. (The door flies open, and Nate and rush_ stick their heads in.) CROW: *british accent* We're from the Liver Donor's, can we have your liver? NATE/rush_ HELLO! ALL: AAGH! ED Agents Nate and rush_. You're late. (Nate and rush_ invite themselves in.) TOM: For the 27th time, you two, come in ONE AT A TIME! rush_: Only by 18 seconds. ED Please sit. MIKE: Right there, under that 16-ton weight....just a little to the left... perfect! (rush_ sits on a chair. Nate sits on the desk. Ed opens a drawer and removes a white manilla file folder. He drops it on the desk.) ED We have a mission for you two. rush_ Another drug bust in Cuba? NATE We like those. TOM: Oh, so suddenly Nate's in all caps now? ED: This one is local. NATE We get to play FBI. CROW: *NATE* That way we can pretend we know what we're doing. rush_ Please tell us it's a smut ring. ALL: It's a smut ring. ED No...you get to play Ghostbusters. NATE Aw, come on! CROW: *Whining* We played Ghostbusters LAST TIME, ED!!! rush_ Surely our talents merit a slightly better assignment than chasing down some non-existant supernatural entity... NATE Remember the guy who insisted that he was receiving transmissions during Saved by the Bell, instructing him to kill judical representatives? Talk about a waste of time. CROW: Pot, Kettle, Black. rush_ Not to mention our investigative talents. TOM:...and have you seen our amazing trunk space? ED Not this time. Several people have disappeared recently; all of them in the same general vicinity. A small town in backwater America. State troops were sent to investigate. They got close, then disappeared. The FBI was called in, with similar results. Neither organization wants to waste any more lives on this, so it falls to us. Rather, you two. And get off my desk! MIKE: The Plot, ladies and gentlemen, or a reasonable facsimile. (Nate hops off Ed's desk, and sits on the armrest of rush_'s chair.) NATE Define `recently.' TOM: And define "competant". ED Ten, fifteen years. Possibly as many as twenty to twenty-five. Nothing firm that far back, though. rush_ What is the actual objective of the mission? MIKE: *rush_* By objective I mean "point" and by mission I mean "script". ED Find out all you can about these disappearances. And put a stop to them,by any means necessary. CROW: *Malcolm X* We didn't land on Manos, Manos landed on us! (rush_ nods. Nate smiles.) MIKE: Audience leaves. NATE You did NOT just say `by any means necessary.' ED Whatever this thing is, it's swallowed up a dozen state troopers, five FBI agents, and god knows how many civilians. Arm yourselves appropriately; we'd hate to lose you, too. TOM: *ED* But hate is such a stong word. rush_ Yes, sir. ED The file contains your basics: map, search and arrest warrants, information on the missing persons, TOM: *ED* The list of their friends and families, their addresses. Now go make Mormons out of them, boys! and a photo of the house in which we suspect whatever it is dwells. The FBI agent who brought us this photo died doing so. He had been mangled...by something inhuman. TOM: You don't mean... MIKE: Yes, I'm afraid so...Fran Drescher has escaped. (rush_ picks up the folder, and flips past several papers, then stops. Nate looks over rush_'s shoulder.) CROW: Hey, the giant flying leprechauns are back. (In the folder, under a road map of Texas is the picture. The picture is of The Master's house from Manos. TOM: Return to the Cottage of the Darned. CROW: You know, I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that Manos has become a franchise or that they actually have a FILE on the Master. Appropriately ominous music plays, CROW: The Barney Theme...I should have known. and blood red letters: "Manos: Hand of Fate 2" appear on screen.) ALL: *shudder* MIKE: I think I'm beginning to see where you guys are coming from.... BAR (A basic sleazy backwater dive. Lovesick country music is playing, people are dancing, drinking, chatting. The lights are low.) (Nate and rush_ enter. Nate looks uncomfortable) TOM: Hey, how do you think WE feel, pal! NATE Are you sure this is a good place to spend the evening? CROW: It's only 6 dollars a night...oh, they mean the bar. rush_ Sure! I've been here many times. The bartender is great. I'll introduce you. (rush_ leads Nate through the crowd, to the bar. They sit on stools. The bartender approaches, drying a glass with a towel.) ADDAMS Evenin'! Can I get you fellas a drink? rush_ Who are you? MIKE: *British accent* No one of consequence. ADDAMS The name's Addams; I'm the resident bartender. TOM: *ADDAMS* I'll be your guide on your journey into madness. rush_ What happened to Beeper? CROW: He got paged. Get it? *giggling* ADDAMS He's gone. Do you want to order a drink? MIKE: *ADDAMS* Hemlock? Sulfuric Acid perhaps? rush_ (dissapointed) Martini. Dry. ADDAMS Let me guess. Shaken, not stirred. CROW: Yes shaken not stirred...If you stir it you're a dead man, you hear me? DEAD!! rush_ No. Stirred. ADDAMS You? NATE Something without alcohol. ALL: WUSSY! TOM: I think we've found the character that we're going to riff the most, how bout it, Crow? CROW: I agree. TOM: Mike? MIKE: Normally I don't condone this sort of thing but...given the circumstances, I declare open season on Nate. ADDAMS Coming right up. *CROW starts to open his mouth* TOM: Crow, no area jokes. CROW: But Mike just declared open season! MIKE and TOM: ON NATE! (Pan across the bar, to show more people talking, dancing, playing pool, etc. Settle on Nate and rush_ , sitting at a booth.) d NATE Scared, rush_? rush_ Why? of what? NATE The mission. The house. MIKE: *NATE* Our ambiguous homosexuality... rush_ Not really. TOM: *Yoda* You will be....You will be. NATE I sort of am. There's- DENISE (OS) Um, Excuse us. Can we join you? CROW: *DENISE* We're the daughters of Leech Woman. (rush_ and Nate look up. 3 women are standing at their booth.) MIKE: Pits...it smells like a man. rush_ Certainly. TOM: *Curly* Soitenly! NATE Please. CROW: PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN??? MIKE: Crow, I know it's open season on Nate and all, but wasn't that a little harsh? CROW: Mike, I sat through Manos 1, I'm angry and I must vent. (Nate and rush_ stand. Two women sit with rush_, one with Nate) CROW: Hey, they're in Bangkok, Texas. DENISE I'm Denise, this is Cindy (indicating the other woman with rush_), and Rebecca (the woman sitting with Nate). *CROW starts to open his mouth* MIKE: Don't, Crow. CROW: WHY? TOM: They're called "Escort Services" now. NATE Nate (points to himself). MIKE: Me Nate. rush_ (points across the table). MIKE: Him sidekick. DENISE We've never seen you guys here before. New in town? rush_ Passing through. Vacation. DENISE Welcome to Texas. TOM: *DENISE* We're number one at putting people on Death Row. What do you guys do? rush_ I'm a photographer. CROW: Ain't I sexy? MIKE and TOM: NO! NATE I sell insurance. MIKE: Say what does a good Life Insurance plan cost nowadays?? Five...Ten years in Eternal Hell? (Rebecca looks distastefully at Nate, and moves to rush_'s side of the booth.) TOM: *REBECCA* He has more estrogen than we do. CROW: Picky hookers, aren't they? DENISE You wanna dance with us, rush_? rush_ With all of you at once? MIKE: *DENISE* Hehehe, Wouldn't be the first time. DENISE We'll work out a timeshare deal. (The girls and rush_ head for the dance floor, TOM: *DENISE* Hey Rush, why does your name have an underscore? leaving Nate alone) CROW: I think he putting a little too much of his own life in this... NATE I'll just watch the table then. No biggie. MIKE: I don't EVER think I've seen the hero of such a crappy script be such a pathetic LOSER! THE OPEN ROAD TOM: by Jack Karouac. (A big, shiny topless car speeds down a deserted stretch of road, surrounded on every side by lush green fields, trees, hills, etc.) CROW: It's the automotive nudist highway! (Nate is driving. rush_ is in the passenger seat, looking at the contents of the manilla file folder) (This is a good place to pad out the film with endless scenic nature shots. TOM: And we thought Sandy Frank was a sadist... Use as many as you need, but eventually focus back on Nate and rush_.) CROW: Because Nate and Rush are the center of the universe and the reason for our existance. NATE So...we left route 10, about 5 miles ago. According to the map, we're MIKE: Totally screwed. almost there. This is such a beautiful area. CROW: *RUSH* Yeah, the stock footage is magnificent around here. rush_ Appearances can deceive. TOM: *G'Kar* No one here is exactly as he appears. MIKE: *sigh* TOM: Listen, Mike you will listen to the B5 riffs and you will like them. MIKE: I'm not the one staying up till two in the morning to catch a show... TOM: Hey, tape trading is rough and we don't get TNT! NATE Almost makes me want to stop badmouthing Texas. CROW: *rush_* Hey Nate I thought we weren't gonna bring up your Tourette's Syndrome during this trip. What's in the folder? MIKE: *chuckling* Hehehehehe wouldn't YOU like to know. rush_ About 40 missing persons reports. Autopsy of the mangled FBI agent. Bare minimum stuff. TOM: Yeah, not like eviscerated FBI agents classify as actual homicides or anything. (he closes the folder and drops it in his lap.) NATE Just the way we like it. MIKE: Just enough dead people for maximum comfort. rush_ Sure enough. (They ride in silence for a moment, then rush_ turns around.) Um. Nate? NATE Yes? CROW: *rush_* Do you still love me? rush_ We're very close, now. TOM: PLEASE don't get into that... NATE Really? How can you tell? TOM: Well, let's see, we can see the buildings, we just ran over a cat... rush_ Look. (points towards the back of the car) MIKE: It's the back of the car. (Two blood red winged CGI demons spawned from hell itself are flying after the car) CROW: It's David Geffen and Jeffery Katzenberg, RUN! rush_ Keep your eyes on the road! NATE Sorry! Sorry! MIKE: THRILL as intense situations turn Nate into Little Caesar! (Nate focuses back on driving, but checks the rearview mirror a lot) What the hell are those things? CROW: They're the hell the special effects budget! TOM: Either that or the still needs to be cleaned. rush_ Inspiration for Dante'! Floor it! (The car accelerates. The demons speed up, to match their pace.) ALL: *making Police Siren noises* CROW: If those things shout "I'll swallow your soul", you two are on your own. NATE Tight turn ahead. Grab something. MIKE: *NATE* Not THAT Rush, you pervert. (The car screeches around the corner. One demon makes the turn, but the other rams headfirst into a very large tree) MIKE: George, George, George of the Nether Regions. CROW: Demons yes, but bright Demons? I don't think so. TOM: These demons have all the tact and guile of Wile E. Coyote. NATE Well? CROW: *Rush* Forget the demons for a minute, I see a Starbuck's! rush_ Splat! TOM: It's such a low budget they're SPEAKING the sound effects! NATE Both? rush_ One. ALL: *singing* Singular sensation... Nate Darn. CROW: Potty Mouth! rush_ Can't this thing go any faster than... (checks speedometer) one ten? MIKE:: It could but the squirrels and mice will need a break soon. NATE Perhaps you'd like to get out and push? TOM: You are infringing a copright from Lucasfilm for that line, Weenie Boy... rush_ I might just. (Cut to another car, this one a dunebuggy. This car is stationary, TOM: The New 1998 Lexus Post-It Note, drive one home today. and contains two people making out, TOM: Make-out couple standard on every model. drinking from a bottle, and generally having a good time.) CROW: Because let's face it, people. It ain't driving unless it's DRUNK driving. MIKE: And now for something completely irrelevant. MAN Have I told you lately how much you mean to me? WOMAN Don't tell me. Show me. TOM: AAAAGH! SHE'S QUOTING "MY FAIR LADY", MAKE IT STOP!!! MIKE: It's okay, Tom. It'll be over before you know it. (He is about to show her, when Nate and rush_'s car speeds past them at speeds in excess of one hundred miles per hour, the demon in close pursuit.) TOM: *announcer* REAL STORIES OF THE HELLWAY PATROL! MIKE: One Adam 12, one Adam 12, apprehend the morons, Hellbeasts in persuit, over. MAN Did you see that? WOMAN See what? MAN Nothing. Where were we? CROW: You were about to vacuum her tonsils and we were about to heave! (Nate and rush_ continue their high speed chase. ALL: *doing the Dukes of Hazzard chase theme* As they go along, the landscape is becoming less lush and green, and more desolate and bleak.) MIKE: Much like this movie. NATE I have a plan. (He brings the car to a sudden stop. The demon zips past them.) CROW: Guys are you SURE we didn't stumble into a Warner Brothers Cartoon? TOM: Somebody's seen Top Gun a FEW too many times. rush_ Great plan. Now what? MIKE: Well, turning around and bugging out before the Demon swings around and eats your eternal souls would be a good idea. NATE I'm good at taxes, too. Drive. (Nate jumps out of the car.) rush_ Huh? NATE Put me between the demon and the car! Go! rush_ But, I- CROW: *NATE* Don't think...ACT! MIKE: Advice Nathan apparantly took while writing this clunker. (A cop car pulls up) TOM: *Old Man voice* You fellers smoochin' around here? . NATE Great. We need this just now. (An oldish hick officer in a cowboy hat gets out of the car) CROW: Here at Sterotypes-R-Us, you can find every stereotype to fit any stereotype need. TOM: *COP* I got word of a Manos movie bein' made round these parts. You boys know anythin' about that? COP You boys know how fast you were going? (Nate and rush_ look nervously in the direction in which the demon flew off) MIKE and TOM: *NATE and RUSH* I don't know but I'm pretty sure we were going thattaway. COP A hundred and twelve miles per hour. TOM: A Hick Cop Sterotype that can count, THERE'S something you don't see every day. NATE I knew I could top 110. rush_ Shh! Focus. COP What you boys starin at? MIKE: *RUSH* Oh nothing, just stunned by your oral funk. NATE There. CROW: Up in the sky, it's a bird...it's a plane... (A red dot can be seen in the distance, rapidly growing larger. It is the demon, flying towards them.) MIKE: *unsurprised* Really? I thought it was a flaw in your contacts. rush_ Not very smart, is it? TOM: Thank you, Special Agent Obvious. CROW: Hey Nate, what are Feather Pillows made of? NATE Down! MIKE: Hey you read ahead. CROW: Sue me, HEWman. (Nate and rush_ hit the ground. The demon swoops past, grabbing rush_ by the neck, and Nate by the ankle.) ALL: WHOOPEE! TOM: Time to go for a ride! (rush_ struggles to catch a breath, and tries to pry loose the demon's hands. Finally he gives up, and reaches for his gun. He points it in the demon's mouth, and pulls the trigger.) (With a look of horror, the demon spirals to the ground. The Cop is on the scene in seconds, after they land.) CROW: Oh great, Bufurd Pusser here's gonna breathalyze it. COP What the hell is that? (rush_ is breathing heavily. Nate is examining his foot.) TOM: So Nate's examining his own foot or Rush's? CROW: What's NOT to like about this script? MIKE: That was sarcasm wasn't it, Crow? CROW: Damn straight. COP Who are you guys? Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray? MIKE: Hardly... (rush_ manages to pull his ID badge from his pocket, and hands it to the Cop) rush_ CBI. Central Bureau of Intelligence. TOM: Trademark Fake Government Agencies INC, all rights reserved. COP: Oh, my! Well, why didn't ya say so! CROW: *Gatekeeper to the Emerald City* That's a horse of a different color! Come on in! I'm officer Hansen; folks call me Burt. MIKE: *COP* That's the sound I make after I eat. rush_ (points to Nate) Nate. (points to himself) rush_. (shakes Burt's hand) We are here about the- (he takes several breaths) MIKE: Several breaths? what is he, asthmatic? TOM: It DOES add to the wimpy government agent characterization. disappearances. COP All them people? TOM: *COP* I put them in my underwear. I know about- ALL: *singing* TROJAN MAAAAAAAN! (With an ear piercing screech, the demon staggers to its feet. The cop pulls his gun) NATE Wait. Let me try something. (Nate awkwardly jumps, and grapples the beast in a hug like hold. MIKE: *dumb voice* I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him and I'm gonna call him George. The creature begins to shudder and scream. Finally it falls to the ground, dead. Nate falls with it.) CROW: Dead? MIKE: This is one confusing read. NATE Ha! Couldn't stand contact with a man who is pure of heart, mind, soul and body, could you? TOM: Uh-oh, Nate's taking us on an ego trip. Ow. COP You hurt? MIKE: *NATE* No, I'm laying here holding my ankle in pain because it tightens my calf muscles...OF COURSE I'M HURT, YOU MORON! NATE That...thing twisted, maybe broke, my ankle. TOM: Well? twisted or broke? WHICH IS IT?!! CROW: Dude! rush_ (inspecting the demon) It's dead. MIKE: Nah, it's just bored. You were saying, officer? COP Call me Bert. Darned if I can remember, after a shock like that. TOM: Hey, I thought he said his name was Burt? CROW: Something funny going on around here... rush_ Missing people? COP Yes. A buncha folks have been dissapearing around these parts. Mostly tourists, out of towners. The FBI And Texas Rangers were here a few weeks ago, MIKE: *COP* and this one Ranger named Walker kept karate kicking everything in sight. and we local yokels were told to stay out of their way. NATE Well, the CBI has a different policy. CROW: Hookers and Silly String every Friday after midnight. We like all the help we can get. TOM: *NATE* Because we're not very competant. CROW: Bredfeldt makes Harold P. Warren look like George Lucas. rush_ In fact, could you dispose of this corpse, and round up as many officials as you can, heavily armed, and help us out? COP I can have a hundred men by dawn. NATE Perfect. TOM: *lisping* Ssssuper, the more the merrier! rush_ Take this map. Follow it. Surround this house. Let nobody out. CROW: Pretty clear and concise and EXTREMELY OBVIOUS instructions. We'll put a stop to this thing together. MIKE: Haim Saban, you are going DOWN! COP Always glad to help out. We've had our hands tied in this matter too long. TOM: Bondage theme, HIT THE DECK! (he shakes rush_'s hand, and gives him back his ID card) rush_ Thanks, Bert. I wish all law enforcement officials were as helpful as you. Can you walk, Nate? NATE No. I can't even stand. rush_ Help me with him? (rush_ and Bert help Nate into the car. rush_ climbs in the driver's seat, they wave, and are on their way.) NATE Can we make it without a map? rush_ Sure. I memorized it before I passed it on. CROW: Oh, so he fell for those mega-memory ads they have on radio commercials also? MIKE: You fell for that? CROW: Well, in a matter of speaking.... (The car drives off again, passing a familiar white sign that reads "Valley Lodge" in crowded black letters) MIKE: With all that room on the sign they have to crowd in the middle? TOM: That wasn't a good one, Mike. THE MASTER'S HOUSE MIKE: I hope this has something to do with Dr. Who... CROW: Not bloody likely (An exterior shot of The Master's house. It is still as it was in Manos. The landscape around it is still all but barren.) (Interior shot of the house. We only see The Master's face. ALL: Eeewww..... He looks younger than he did in the first movie. His eyes are closed, and he is laying down on his stone slab) TOM: *Dr. Frank-N-Furter* Come up to the lab...and see what's on the slab... MIKE: Tom, please promise you'll never do that impression again. (outside, rush_ and Nate are still in their car, scanning the road as they drive) rush_ There. CROW: On the Grassy Knoll... (A far shot of The Master's house, as if seen from an approaching car.) TOM: or Tomahawk Cruise Missile... NATE That's it. No doubt. rush_ Hang on. MIKE: I'm gonna floor this baby and see how fast it can go!! TOM: Woo! (rush_ accelerates into the driveway (as it were). The car approaches the house, begins to skid, turning a full 180 degrees before stopping in front of the house.) TOM: *Ace Ventura* LLLLLLIKE A GLOVE! NATE Huh. You did it. rush_ You doubted me? You owe me 50 bucks. MIKE: *NATE* It's MY job to have the superiority complex around here. INSOLANT MORTAL! NATE (looking at the house) Dosen't look like much. TOM: *NATE* It needs a woman's touch MIKE: Why do I find that disturbing? rush_ It's probably just a front. CROW: Very good eye Rush, it's the front of the house! NATE Fifty bucks says it's a cult. MIKE: What does all this gambling have to do with what is a sorry excuse for the plot? rush_ No bet. I've taken enough from you today. How's your foot? NATE It's not broken, I don't think. TOM: AAAAGH! He's even confused about his own injuries! As long as I put my weight on the other, I should be able to walk. CROW: Insert "Duh" here, folks. rush_ take it easy, ok? (The Master again. Still sleeping, still laying on his stone slab) ALL: *making snoring noises* (rush_ is out of the car, helping Nate) NATE I can do it. (he tries to walk) Ow! Help, please? CROW: Walk it off, ya big baby! rush_ Gladly. (he props Nate up) NATE Thank you. TORGO (OS) TOM: Torgo Operating System? MIKE: Torgo OS...so 1984 won't be like 1984 The Master is expecting you. ALL: AAAGHH! (Nate and rush_ look up. On the porch, half in the doorway leading inside stands Torgo, from the first movie MIKE: Oh so THAT'S Torgo (same character, different actor). CROW: Much like the lead singer of Van Halen. He still wears the same outfit (ratty brown hat, jacket, and beige longjons), and carries the same staff with the hand on the end. Torgo cannot stand still, and is constantly shuddering awkwardly. He does this all through the movie) MIKE: That's NOT how you're supposed to wear your Depends... TOM and CROW: We know! (Yet another shot of The Master, eyes still tightly shut) ALL: *snoring noises* (Nate leans against the car. Someone can be seen behind Torgo, though not clearly. Nate and rush_ exchange somewhat nervous glances) rush_ Are you the man of the house? TOM: Jonathan Taylor Thomas? (Torgo speaks awkwardly. For his dialogue, add several beats to each sentence. Just sprinkle liberally. Put several between words. Put them within words. Go nuts with it.) TORGO The Master is expecting you. Are you alone? TOM: Torgo. Housekeeper, Goatboy, Trojan Man. NATE Apparently not. (Glares somewhat menacingly at the person behind Torgo. The person backs out of sight.) MIKE: He saw his shadow. 6 more weeks of winter. TORGO There are just two of you? No women? TOM: That explains a lot about Nate. NATE Oh! Don't ask me about women! I don't know anything about them! Why don't you ask Cirano over here? CROW: *Eric Idle* He's been around, 'know what I mean, nudge nudge, say no more? rush_ Nate! Not now! (to Torgo) Just the two of us. TORGO The Master likes women. He expected you to have one with you. TOM: Guess he's not counting Nate over there. rush_ The Master? NATE Who are you? TOM: *Lorien* Why are you....*TOM is promply muffled by the hand of MIKE* TORGO I take care of the place while the Master is away. He is expecting you. CROW: *TORGO* I'm...MeREly a...HumBLe...bUTler, sIR.. MIKE: *NATE* and what do you do? CROW: *TORGO* I...bUTTle, sIR.. NATE If he is expecting us, why is he away? MIKE: *Jerry Seinfeld* I mean come on, what is the deal with that? TORGO The Master...he is with us always. CROW: Deja Vu...*shudder* rush_ Do you have a name, friend? TORGO I serve The Master. He has expected you for a long time. MIKE: A long.....long.....long....long....long.... CROW and TOM: MIKE!!!! NATE (starting to get frusterated) How does he know us? Who are you? CROW: He ain't Batman, that's fer darn sure. rush_ (whisper) Stay calm, Nate. TORGO Please come inside. Be our guests for the night. TOM: *TORGO* aSk abOuT Our...loW...loW rAtEs...nnyag. NATE We will be nobody's guests! We want to see your master! Where is he? TOM: *NATE, whiny* Where's the Master, I came to see the Master! I'm not gonna go to bed until I see the Master! TORGO The Master is all around us. He is with us always. NATE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! TOM: *whiny* I want the Master, gimme the Master or I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn blue!! rush_ Nate! CROW: Nate, Dahling! NATE We are here to investigate over fifty dissapearances, amongst the fifteen, _FIFTEEN_ law enforcement officers. MIKE: Previous line brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Dept. TOM: As redundant as redundant can be redundant, Mike. Now, you can either help us, or get out of our way! rush_ Nate! NATE We will have words with your Master, and we will have them NOW! CROW: Pushy little dickweed, isn't he? (Another shot of the master, still dormant) MIKE: *the Master (Dr Who), drowsy* I've...got you this time...Doctor. rush_ Nate! This is not getting us anywhere! Do NOT make me pull rank on you. NATE (staggers in a circle to face rush_) I'm not MAKING you do anything! I'm trying to find the persons responsible for FIFTY DEATHS! MIKE: *TORGO* YoU mIghT tRy...tHe cASt...liSt. TOM: You do that impression a little too well, Mike. rush_ And ignoring established procedure! NATE So, playing footsie with this moron is- ALL: DISGUSTING! (Nate turns around. Torgo is standing next to him) Crap! NEVER! TOM: *NATE* I skipped a line! Inconcievable! CROW: *TORGO* YoU...kNow....MOst uLCeRs...aRe CaUSed bY...stREss TORGO I will take your luggage. (Torgo begins walking towards the trunk of the car, and the infamous 4-note Torgo theme music plays. TOM: AAARRRGH, THE BEATING OF THAT HIDEOUS HEART!!!! Nate hobbles faster than Torgo, MIKE: What is this, a race? and one step away from the car, blocks Torgo's path. The music stops) NATE (Putting a hand in Torgo's chest) CROW: And ripping out his heart to show it to him I don't think so. You, in the door! Get out where we can see you. Now! TOM: Bully much there, Nate? MIKE: I'm kinda wishing Torgo would take that walking stick and stick it where Nate doesn't usually keep walking sticks, if you know what I mean. (A figure appears in the doorframe. He is dressed just as Torgo is. He is a perfect copy of Torgo, CROW: Not to mention another arguement AGAINST Human Cloning! with two exceptions: MIKE: He can talk normally and doesn't have those wierd knees? TOM: But then that would make him Ortega. MIKE: DON'T remind me. He is younger and his knees are normal. ALL: Whew! MIKE: Thanks, Nathan! Instead, he has giant elbows. ALL: AAGH! MIKE: Damn you, Nathan! This is Torgo Jr.) ALL: AAGH! TOM: OH MY GOD!! CROW: HE....PROCREATED! rush_ (warningly) Nate! TOM: *rush* He can club you to death with his elbows, better not cheese him off! NATE Fine. (addressing Torgo) Thank you for offering to carry our luggage. We appreciate it. But, try not to be a slowpoke. Got that, Rodger? MIKE: Mach Schnell! (Torgo hurries to unload the luggage) rush_ So much for diplomacy, subterfuge, and discretion. TOM: and CONDOMS. CROW: TORGO JUNIOR?? This is an affront to everything holy ever invented! MIKE: If there was ever a reason to ban Viagra... NATE Overrated concepts anyhow. TOM: Interesting and non-contrived plots, likeable characters... Go with them. I'll get my gun, and catch up in my own time. MIKE: For I am Nate, king of the universe. rush_ Let's not split up. TOM: This is like Mulder and Scully given the Ratliff treatment. CROW: Right now I wish this WAS Ratliff. (Nate grabs his gun from the car. He checks to see that it is loaded, and checks the safety. As he does so, Torgo speaks.) MIKE: *TORGO* BlESSed aRe....tHE....PeACEmakers.... CROW: Geez Mike, please. TORGO The Master does not approve of such devices. (Nate doesn't pay attention to Torgo, and begins walking towards the house. Torgo blocks Nate's way with his body) MIKE: Penalty, cross-checking, two minutes. TORGO You don't want to upset the Master. Leave the gun. NATE You threatening me? YOU THREATENING ME? TOM: I AM CORNHOLIO! (Nate pushes Torgo to the ground, and continues walking towards the house) CROW: God what an assho... MIKE: CROW! CROW: I'm sorry Mike, it's just that this script... MIKE: I know, I know. (Another shot of The Master) MIKE: *Deep Voice* No, don't mind me. Really, I'm just here to pad out the movie. I serve no real purpose, so please...don't pay any attention (rush_ and Torgo Jr help Torgo up, and the three men each carry one of the three pieces of luggage into the house.) rush_ Please excuse him. He isn't much of a people person, CROW: Try "complete jerk". when he dosen't want to be. That's why he's never had a girlfriend. NATE No women is the cause of my attitude, not the result. Who needs one, anyhow? MIKE: *NATE* I've got me. I LOVE me, What would I ever do without me? Help me in, here. (Nate leans on rush_, and they follow Torgo Jr and Torgo up the steps and into the house.) 6....5....4....3....2....1....()==() *THE SOL BRIDGE, A BOX IS PROPPED UPRIGHT WITH THE HOUSE OF MANOS AND IN BIG BLOOD-RED LETTERS, "MANOSopoly" ON IT. ABOVE THE WORD "MANOSopoly" AND PROTRUDING FROM THE HOUSE IS MASTER PENNYBAGS IN FULL MASTER REGALIA WITH HANDPRINTS. THE PLAYBOARD IS SET UP WITH A STONE SLAB ON THE "GO" SPACE. TOM AND CROW ARE ARGUING OVER THE CAR PIECE. MIKE COMES IN FROM THE SIDE* MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on? CROW: We were going to play a game of MANOSopoly but Tom stole my Car piece. TOM: It's MY carpiece now! *Raspberry* MIKE: Guys, guys, certainly you can agree on which gamepiece you want to take. CROW: But I called it first! TOM: But I took it first!! MIKE: Settle down guys.....here. *MIKE REACHES INTO THE BOX AND PULLS OUT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A FLAMING SEVERED HAND* MIKE: Crow you take this. CROW: ...You're kidding... TOM: Will you Just take the piece and shut up? Some people want to play TODAY! CROW: (Looks at his figure in dismay) D'oh... MIKE: Okay I'll go first. *MIKE ROLLS THE DICE, IT'S A SIX* MIKE: Six. one, two, three....*continues*....Six! Ah, landed on Community Chaos. *MIKE PICKS UP A CARD* MIKE: "The Master has used the power of Manos to utterly destroy you. Go directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect 200 Manos Credits." Aw man! *MIKE PROCEEDS TO MOVE HIS STONE SLAB TO THE "HELL" SPACE. THE BOTS ARE MOCKING HIS MISFORTUNE. CROW THEN PICKS UP THE DICE AND ROLLS A FOUR* CROW: Mike, would ya mind? MIKE: Oh, sure. *MIKE MOVES CROW'S PIECE FOR HIM* CROW: HAHA!! Landed on Helldemon Drive! I'll buy this sucker! *TOM ROLLS, IT'S A 12, LANDING HIM ON "CHANCE IN HELL". TOM PICKS UP A CARD* TOM: "With four wives, nothing can go wrong. Collect 100 Manos Credits from every player." *MIKE AND CROW COLLECTIVELY GROAN AS TOM GETS HIS MONEY* CROW: *MUMBLING* Scrooge... *MOVIE SIGN FLASHES* MIKE: You can put up a Valley Lodge later, guys. WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN *()=()....1....2....3....4....5....6....* *MIKE and the BOTS enter the theater* CROW: Well.There goes that game... TOM: Ah, it wasn't much fun anyways... (The second Nate steps into the house, cut back to the Master. His eyes suddenly fly open) ALL: KEVIN! INSIDE THE HOUSE MAIN ROOM (The inside of the house has not changed since Manos 1. BOTS: *Shudder* The four enter, and rush_ leads Nate to the couch, and sits him down) TORGO The master will rise soon. CROW: Insert viagra joke here. NATE The sooner, the better. TORGO The Master will rise soon. Let us take your luggage to your rooms. They are quite pleasant. MIKE: *Peter Lorre* hehehee....Yes... rush_ That will be fine. (Torgo and Torgo Jr exit through the same door.) TOM: Doesn't anybody go through doors one at a time in this script??? rush_ Can you search this room? NATE Yes. CROW: What? Doesn't the room get any privacy of its own? (Nate stands, and begins searching around the couch. rush knocks on the door on the left side of the room. MIKE: *deep voice* Come in... After a moment, he opens it, and enters) TOM: Oh hello Mrs. Grape. KITCHEN (A rather dilapadated looking kitchen. The room contains lots of grey, and (rush_ discovers as he runs two fingers across the counter top) lots of dust. rush_ methodically checks the cabinets, then the refridgerator. All are sparsely stocked. CROW: Shaggy and Scooby would be terribly disappointed. rush_ takes a knife from the knife rack, and scrapes it across the counter top, then over the palm of his hand) rush_ Dull. MIKE: *rush_* I'm so very Dull... (He returns the knife, then turns on the sink. Clear, cool water cascades from the faucet.) TOM: Tap the Faucet....Coors Lite. rush_ Doesn't approve of devices, but there's running water AND electricity? CROW: *rush* This is one sane, stable Mamma Jamma. (Shakes his head, and inspects the small table that sits in the corner of the room.) TOM: Aww, Little Timmy Table is cold and alone in that tiny corner of the room. MIKE and CROW: Awww... TOM: Makes ya glad Nate and Rush don't have a poodle. CROW: Amen. MAIN ROOM (Nate has made his way across the room to the charred looking mantle. He slowly inspects the satanic looking decorations that adorn the top of it. The camera slowly pans across the mantle, as Nate looks. Finally, Nate reaches for one. Upon contact there is a sizzle, and he pulls his hand away, as thought it has been burnt. MIKE: That's the hottest piece of art I've ever seen! TOM: *sigh* CROW: *shaking head dejectedly* Mike, Mike Mike... Nate puts his fingertip in his mouth and sucks for a moment, wipes the digit clean on his shirt. TOM: Mmmmm, Fried me, DELICIOUS! (rush_ returns to the room, and sees Nate inspecting the painting of the Master and his dog. CROW: Whom the Master sacrificed some weeks later. Nate turns and is about to say something, but Torgo enters from the door at the back of the room, with Torgo Jr in tow) MIKE: Never park your kindof hideously deformed freak in a "No Parking" zone. TORGO We will show you to your rooms now, if you wish. rush_ That will be fine. You may show me to my room, and your...? TORGO (hangs his head) Son. TOM: It's official. We're in Hell. rush_ Son can escort my companion. Behave, Nate. CROW: *NATE* Yes, mommy. (Nate painfully hobbles across the room to Torgo Jr. Torgo and rush_ disappear through the door) TOM: And for my next trick, I'll make them STAY disappeared! NATE Lead on. Slowly. (They exit through a different door) MIKE: At the same time, no doubt... rush_'s BEDROOM (Torgo escorts rush_ in, and puts his suitcase on the room's double bed.) MIKE: *TORGO* YoU'rE SlEEpiNg...HeRe wIth...Me.. TOM: GOD, Mike stop it! rush_ Listen, um...I want to apologize again about my friend's behavior. He will be diciplined once we return home. TOM and MIKE: Don't even think about it, Crow! TORGO Do not concern yourself. He is very much like The Master. CROW: A big baby and an arrogant jerk-off? rush_ Yes. When can we see him? I'd like to thank him for his hospitality, and ask him a question or two. TOM: Like "How the Hell did a guy like Nate graduate High School?" TORGO Soon. Very soon. The Master is with us always. (Torgo starts walking towards the door.) NATE'S BEDROOM CROW: Home of many a soiled Penthouse. TOM: Mike... MIKE: Let him have it. Nate deserves it. (Nate and Torgo Jr enter) NATE This is a nice place; I like backwater dwellings. TOM: *NATE* Lots of space to hide a dead body. (Nate limps to the bed, and sits) I never caught your name. (Torgo Jr is silent) NATE That means tell me your name. (silence) I see. You're playing the quiet game. CROW: So Torgo Jr's a woman that's really a man? MIKE and TOM: *GROAN* Dosen't matter. We'll get to the bottom of whatever all... (waves his hand) TOM: *cheerful* Hello! this is, with or without your help. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take inventory of my posessions. CROW: So Nate's really a Hellspawned Demon. That explains SO MUCH! (Torgo Jr turns and leaves, as quietly as he entered. Nate stands, and scans the room. His gaze settles on the dresser, and he inspects it thoroughly, one drawer at a time. After that, he focuses on the bed, first ripping the sheets off the top, then lifting the mattress and checking under it) MIKE: HA! Porno, lots of it! Crow: Wow, Torgo Jr.'s a dirty little devil, isn't he? TOM: Like father, like son. ALL: *SHUDDER* THE MASTER'S LAIR (Slowly pan across this dark, bleak, sparsely decorated room. CROW: Which is funny because when last we checked, this place was somewhere out in the middle of the desert. All the items from Manos 1 are still present. TOM: Plot Holes, the Unwatchability, EVERYTHING! A fire still burns in a large cauldron. MIKE: Wow, that's one HELL of a Presto Log. there are still pillars, though now only two have slumbering wives clad in the same white dress things attached to it. CROW: I remember them... TOM: And it wasn't pretty. In one corner is a pile of bones.) MIKE: DeForest Kelly impersonators? (Torgo enters. He gives the Master a passing glance, apparently not noticing that his eyes are open. CROW: I hope Torgo won't... Torgo stumbles to the two pillars, and addresses the women. He first clumsily runs his fingers through the hair of wife #1) TOM: Oh my god, he is! CROW: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!!! TORGO You...the first of the wives. You are the Master's favorite. It is no wonder he kept you. (Torgo looks to the corner, where the pile of bones lays) You are most grand. Were I not promised to another, I would wish to posess you. MIKE: He'd rather marry the bones? TOM: Nathan Bredfeldt is one sick, sad individual Sometimes I wish... (Torgo moves to the other woman on the pillar. He looks with contempt. almost spits.) CROW: But swallows it instead and chokes on his own saliva. TORGO You...you wish to be the Master's first wife. You will never gain such a position. you are unworthy. Even I would never want you. But, you... (walks to the other pillar, where a pretty redhead is standing) You will be mine. The Master promised me the youngest of the wives, when I delivered to him the agents. And I have. he will wake up, and you will be mine... TOM: Remember when we were talking about the pornos back there? MIKE: Yeah... *PAUSE* ALL: EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!! (Torgo goes through the basic fondling routine with wife #4, ALL: Agh! MIKE: What heinous crime did we commit that we deserve to SEE this? then stumbles out. The Master begins sitting up...) TOM: *singing, rather gruffly* Feels like wakin' up...with Folger's in your cup. MAIN ROOM (Nate limps into the room. rush_ is already present, and sitting on the couch. Torgo is also present.) CROW: This is some really wierd send-up of Clue, isn't it. NATE Settled in? rush_ Yes. NATE Same. rush_ Our friend has promised to try to summon his master, that we may speak to him. MIKE: So, This is the part where he breaks out the Ouija board and they have to hold hands, right? TORGO I will go, see if he has risen. (Torgo turns to leave) rush_ Friend! I did not catch your name! TOM: I have mysteriously stopped using contractions! TORGO (stops and turns) I am Torgo; ALL: Hi, Torgo! I am caretaker while the Master is away. I will go, see if he has risen. (exits) MIKE: Pillsbury Cult Leaders. ALL: *That Damn Doughboy* Hee hee hee HEE! NATE I checked my room. it's clean. rush_ Same here. (Nate joins rush_ on the couch) TOM: If they start going "Huh huh, huh huh huh huh", I'm outta here, I swear it. rush_ Ok. When this Master guy arrives, let me do the talking. NATE Not likely. By the way, look at that! rush_ Don't try to change the-hey. You suppose that's him? CROW: The guy in the Muu-muu that looks like Freddie Mercury? (It is the infamous painting of The Master and a dog) MIKE: Awww, it's his wittle puppy NATE I do. But, why would this guy have a painting of Rush Limbaugh? CROW: FBI guy made a funny. rush_: No. The Master. TOM: *NATE* Cool! Think I can ride in his TARDIS? Can I? Can I? (Nate stands, and limps over to take a another look.) NATE Dosen't look like much. Evil for sure, but not much of a threat. TOM: And this is the same guy that's accusing him for over 50 murders? MIKE: He's also saying that good doesn't look any better, isn't he? CROW: We really don't know Mike, we really don't know. rush_ Thank you, junior psychologist. (stands and crosses the room MIKE: The room is now blessed. to a window) Hm. Dusk already. THE MASTER'S LAIR (The Master, still clad in his traditional black robe with two symmetrical red handprints, is awake and moving about, holding his arms perpendicular to his body. TOM: *MASTER* CAN I HAVE A HUG? Anyone? He looks younger than he did in Manos 1) CROW: Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?? (Torgo enters, complete with theme music. The Master waits expectantly, but patiently. Torgo finally stops in front of The Master) TOM: *TORGO* Ptui!! I HaTE yoU! MASTER What news do you bring me? CROW: *TORGO* WeLL tHe....MarLiNs beAt tHe....DoDGers In...eXTRa iNnINgs and MIcrOsofT STocK weNT uP 100 PoINts. TORGO They are here. Just as you said they'd be. MASTER I know. I felt them arrive. What are their numbers? TOM: *TORGO* I'm soRrY I...doN't...haVe tHat...mucH...CHarIsma... TORGO Two men, master. MASTER Two, you say? (Torgo nods) They will make good sacrifices. TORGO One is very bad, very mean. TOM: *TORGO* He...toOk mY...luNch mONey. He will be trouble. MIKE: With a Pop-O-Matic Bubble. MASTER You have done well. I was wrong to think I could replace you. TORGO (looks at the pile of bones in the corner) Thank you master. MIKE: *TORGO* NoW....aBouT...mY fuTUre...wIFe...oVEr thERe... CROW: Mike, you're scaring us. Put down the Torgo Impression and slowly back away. MASTER Do any women accompany them? CROW: *Torgo* No... mASter, bUt tHe...one...ThEy Call...NATE LoOks prETty CuTe.... MIKE: Crow! CROW: You SAID open season, Mike! TORGO No, Master. Just the two men. Nate and rush_, they are called. MASTER It is for the best, I think. Four wives are enough. TOM: *MASTER* GOD it's good to live in Utah! TORGO You have been looking younger, since you relieved yourself of your excess wives. CROW: *MASTER* You mean ON my excess wives, don't you Torgo? (Another cut to the pile of bones in the corner of the room; then back to the Master and Torgo) MASTER Flattery will not get you anywhere, Torgo. TOM: *TORGO* You... dOn'T...likE The...BonEs I gaVe...yOu fOr...yoUR...BirtTHdAy, MasTER? Now... MIKE: *MASTER*...Do the Funky Chicken! TORGO Master? MASTER Bring me my dogs. CROW: *MASTER* I'm feeling frisky. MIKE: Crow! OUTSIDE THE MASTER'S HOUSE (It is dark. Pan across the sparse desert landscape. Sounds of wild animals fill the night) ALL: Mooooo.... TOM: Why are we making cow noises? CROW: They're the wildest animals this budget can afford. MAIN ROOM (rush_ and Nate are waiting. Torgo Jr is making a fire in the fireplace. TOM: As opposed to making a fire in the toilet? It has grown fully dark outside) NATE (standing over Torgo Jr) Hey! Are we made of time here? When are we gonna see this Master guy? MIKE: *NATE* and what the HELL are you hiding up your sleeves? (Torgo Jr remains silent) rush_ Leave him be, Nate. It's obvious he dosen't want to talk. Or can't talk. CROW: *rush_* Or just hates you like everyone else you curse with your very presence. NATE Look here. You've been riding my butt nonstop since we we got here. ALL: HEY! TOM: This has sailed WAYYYY beyond the borders of the appropriate and it's gotten WAYYYY too into the personal life of Mr. Bredfeldt. Can't you just sit back and let me do my job for ONE SECOND? rush_ It's my job too, and I was ready to let you let you do your job,until you decided to start pushing around innocent people. MIKE: *NATE* It's how I compensate for my lack of social graces. NATE Innocent? Hello? Did we forget something? Like fifty missing people? CROW: *RUSH* Sorry, I nearly forgot despite your MENTIONING IT 50 TIMES IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES! rush_ Innocent until proven otherwise. TOM: You know, sometimes the jokes just write themselves, guys. (By this point, the two men are in each other's faces, all but screaming) MIKE: ICK! I could do without THAT image. NATE Proof? Want proof? Two mutant hellbeasts with claws of steel bearing down on us at a hundred miles per hour, ready to rend the flesh from our bones as though we were store brought fried chicken! There's your proof! MIKE: *RUSH* You say that like it's a bad thing. (Evil music plays. TOM and CROW: *making the sound of a record being played backwards* MIKE: I buried Torgo...I buried Torgo... The camera cuts to the The Master, who is standing in the doorway to his lair, his arms outstretched. TOM: *MASTER* I am IMPERVIOUS to tomatoes. Go on, throw some. His eyes are glowing a vicious red. Nate and rush_ turn, and are visibly shocked) rush_ (OS) It's him! The master! ALL: *screaming teenage girls* Aaaah! HE'S SO DREAMY! (At the Master's side are 2 CGI quadrupedal hellbeasts that look roughly like dogs. Big dogs. TOM: *Rain Man* Big Dogs, very very big dogs...yeah. Black as night. With red eyes. Kind of like Bronx from Gargoyles. MIKE: Only less animated. hahaha. Get it guys? anima...nevermind. Both are restrained by chain leashes.) rush_ Over to you, Nate. TOM: *parade announcer* Thanks rush. We're just in time to see the Garfield float roll by... MASTER Manos has decreed that you both must die. Manos' will be done. (Keeping a straight face, The Master unleashes the dogs. They stare and growl for a moment. Nate bares his teeth, and growls back.) ALL: *laughing like they've never laughed before* rush_ Nate! What the heck are you doing? MIKE: *still laughing* He's being a total LOSER! (Nate pushes rush_ aside, and runs as best he can through the screen door. The two dogs follow him into the night. Bongo drums play.) TOM: Dog Chase scene scored by Tito Puente. THE AREA SURROUNDING THE MASTER'S HOUSE (We see the full moon, as though the camera were just off the ground and pointing upwards. Nate appears in the shot, visibly winded) (Nate runs as best his bad foot will allow. The dogs are in hot pursuit. CROW: Nate picked a bad day to put bologna in his underwear. Bongos are still playing) TOM: Babaloo... NATE Come on, rush_...I'm buying you time, here... CROW:....And with 1-800-collect you can save yourself up to 10 cents a minute! MIKE: Oh come on, everybody knows 10-10-321 saves you more on Long Distance, just ask John Lithgow. (Nate stops, and looks around. Nothing but flat desert as far as the eye can see. He starts to run again, but only makes it about 3 steps before he trips. A dog is right behind him. Nate rolls to his back, and manages to get his feet up in time to flip a big black dog over his head. Both Nate and the dog roll to their feet, but Nate is faster. He runs up, and bearhugs the dog from behind. The second dog approaches rapidly. It leaps at Nate, ALL: WOO-HOO!! and we cut away...) ALL: D'OH! MAIN ROOM OF THE MASTER'S HOUSE (rush_ is struggling to his feet; the Master is still in the doorway, where we was when he unleashed his hounds.) MIKE: That's certainly not where "we" was at this point in the picture, eh crappy script? TOM: I know this hurts, Mike. We feel the pain, too. It hurts less if you don't think too hard. rush_ (pulls a gun, and his badge) Agent rush_, CBI. MIKE: HBO! CROW: TLC! TOM: NFL!! ALL: E=MC SQUARED!!!! There have been several dissapearances in this area over the past few years, and I was just going to ask you some questions, but considering the circumstances, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come to the local police station. You can contact your lawyer once we arrive. MIKE: And Torgo's his lawyer, right? CROW: No, it's Torgo Jr. MIKE and TOM: AGH!! TOM: *sobbing* TORGO...PROCREATED!!!!! (The Master smiles at rush_; his eyes glow more brightly. Master spreads his arms perpendicular once again, and begins slowly bowing his head. CROW: *MASTER* And now, let us pray... As he does so, TOM: The Red Sea parts... MIKE: Water turns to wine... CROW: A bolt of lightning comes out of a clear blue sky and evaporates Nathan Bredfeldt for blasphemy. rush_'s gun arm begins to shake. rush_ supports one arm with the other, but still it is being pulled to the floor, as if being affected by strong gravity. Finally with a yelp, he lets go of the gun, which falls to the ground.) MIKE: But that STILL doesn't explain why The Master has handprints on his muu-muu! rush_ W-What are you? CROW: *MASTER* I'm Batman! TOM and MIKE: *groan* CROW: Oh, come on like we all didn't see that riff coming a mile away. (The gun is squished, as though a large invisible foot has stepped on it. rush_ takes a few steps backwards, almost tripping over Torgo Jr.) (A noise is heard through the open doorway leading outdoors. Everyone in the room looks towards it. A shadowy figure limps towards the door) MIKE: Is it the Kool-aid man? CROW: Is it Santa Claus? TOM: Is it Safe? MASTER Torgo. (The figure enters the light. It is Nate. He is mostly as he was when he left, but is not in good shape. He is out of breath and limping badly.) CROW: That IS how he was when he left. NATE You wish. rush_ Nate! (He runs to the other man) Your face. One cut you. CROW: Brilliant detective work as usual, Rush. (Nate has a trio of three inch claw marks on his face) TOM: Honey, I Shrunk Wolverine. MIKE: A team of dogs maul him and all he comes away with are minor scratches. I call no way! CROW: For Hellhounds, they certainly don't bite... TOM: Or bark, for that matter. NATE You should see the other guys. Excuse me... CROW:...I'd like to kiss the sky now. (Nate brandishes his gun (similar to rush_'s) at the Master) MIKE: Aw, we all know what's going to happen. He's gonna pull out the gun and the Master's gonna... TOM: SHHH! Be quiet, Mike, you're gonna ruin it for me and Crow. MIKE: Oh, sorry. NATE You, sir, are under arrest. You have the right to- (The Master pulls the same gravity stunt with Nate's gun as he did with rush_'s) TOM: He's ripping off Darth Vader, now! Mike make it stop!! remain silent- (Nate tries to support his arm with the other, and fires a few ineffective shots) CROW: *Krankor* Your weapons are useless! HA...HA...HA... You have-OW! MIKE: *NATE* Dude, I was only kidding! (Nate drops the gun. It gets crushed, just as rush_'s was.) MASTER You will not live to see the dawn. ALL: Dead by Dawn, Dead by Dawn! (He exits. Ominous music plays.) TOM: The unmistakable introductory guitar riffs of the theme from "Power Rangers" freeze our moronic heroes in their tracks. rush_ We're leaving. NATE I agree. We'll be back in the morning. Start the car, I'll get the luggage. rush_ Done. MIKE: Go on, Rush. Peel off without him! (They take off in seperate directions.) OUTSIDE THE MASTER'S HOUSE (Nate is limping out as fast as he can, three bags in hand. rush_ is behind the wheel of the car.) CROW: *RUSH* Okay, wheel. I support you 100%. NATE Start the engine! What is this, a Sunday drive? TOM: More like a Sunday PARK, actually. rush_ I can't! Something's wrong! CROW: Insert Scotty joke here. NATE Pop the hood! (He drops the bags) And come over here; I know nothing about engines. TOM: Or law enforcement, for that matter. (Nate and rush_ converge under the hood of the car) MIKE: *NATE* If we hide here, the bad people will forget about us. rush_ uh-oh. CROW: *rush* I wet 'em. NATE That isn't a good uh-oh, is it? MIKE: You can really tell they graduated the Academy with honors. rush_ When is uh-oh ever good? TOM: Yeah Mike. It really shows. CROW: Don't worry guys. This is Nate's lame attempt at a comic exchange. It'll pass. NATE How big an uh-oh is it, then? rush_ There are pieces of the engine missing. NATE uh-oh. MIKE: *NATE* I wet 'em too TORGO (OS) TOM: Where do YOU want to go today? Will you need your luggage carried back to your rooms? (Torgo is standing next to the spot where Nate dropped the luggage) rush_ We could always walk. (Nate gives rush_ a pained look.) TOM: *NATE* Laxative's kicking in... rush_ Right. We'll risk it. MIKE: *rush_* We'll eat Nate, then when we run out of food again, y'all can eat me. NATE But I'm carrying the luggage. TOM: I hope the luggage isn't symbolic of his emotions. I mean it, I REALLY hope the luggage isn't symbolic of his emotions. MIKE: Then he'd be a very sad case. (The trio head back towards the house) THE MASTER'S LAIR (The Master waits by the pillar against which his wives slumber. After a moment, Torgo enters) MIKE: *singing* I was working in the lab, late one night, when my eyes fell on a terrible sight... MASTER It is done? TORGO As you requested. Both sleep in their room. MASTER Good. For I know you would hate to lose you precious goat legs. MIKE *TORGO* ArE...yOU MakINg...FuN OF... my...MOthEr? TOM: Crow, we must kill him. (Torgo looks at his legs, and at the charred stump that used to be his hand. He nods.) TORGO As you requested. My son has the pieces of their vehicle. TOM: I STILL can't believe Torgo actually PROCREATED! CROW: We thought Rosemary's Baby was unholy. BOY WERE WE OFF! MASTER Good. Now... (He stands behind the cauldron of fire) Oh, Manos. Thou of primal Darkness. Thou who dwelleth in the depths of the universe, CROW: *MASTER* Thou that maketh Must-See TV! In the black chasm of night (The Master pauses. The fire in the cauldron increases) MIKE: *MASTER* Oops, that was supposed to be black SPASM of night. Sorry everyone, SORRY! MASTER Thou bestoweth thy darkness upon thy faithful CROW: Ohhhh, so Manos is Rick Berman. Thou doest make him most blessed forever And thou does curse with eternal burning light Those who transgress against thee. Holy art thou. Holy art thou. Holy art thou. Thy will be done. (The master addresses the pillar of wives) TOM: *MASTER* Four score and seven years ago... Arise my wives, and hear the will of Manos. MIKE: Now just the ladies! Arise my wives, and hear the will of Manos. CROW: And now the men! (The four women around the pillar stir slowly at first, the finally their eyes open, and they step away from the pillar and towards The Master) MEW (with some spite) TOM: ...and malice. Why have you awakened us, master? MIKE: *MASTER* You're an hour late for school, now get dressed! MASTER Mew, first and most beloved of my wives. Why do you defy my will? Do you not know what the results of this behavior would be? ALL: *the wives* A SPANK! A SPANK! (The other wives shy away at these words. Mew stands her ground) TOM: She has to. She's rooted. MEW My sisters and I are unaccustomed to being called on abruptly. What is the nature of this? MIKE: What are they now, the Emergency Holographic Spouses? CROW: Please state the nature of the Marital Emergency. MASTER Your will is mine! Never forget that! Or you will be sacrificed. MEW My will is yours. MASTER Indeed. You would do well to remember that. Always. MEW My will is yours, my master. What do you wish of us? CROW: You sure it's his will? MIKE: It should be her will. TOM: Whose will? MIKE: Her will. TOM: Whose will? MIKE: Her will. CROW: GUYS, STOP! MASTER Two humans have invaded my home. TOM: *MASTER* They've established a beachead in the living room. They pose something of a threat to our existence. They must be killed. MIKE: Wow, this is one rude host. MEW I will do it for you, master! WIFE #2 No, I will. MEW (Pushing #2) Harlot, you will do no such thing. I am the first of the wives, and the Master's chosen assassin. The job falls to me. MIKE: *MEW* So there. *raspberry* (Wife #2 jumps towards Mew, shoving her to the ground. Mew pulls her down as well. Both women roll around on the ground, kicking, biting, scratching and even ripping at each other's clothes. CROW: So in other words...any random Don King-promoted boxing match. (insert incidental nudity here) ALL; AAAAAAAAGGGGHH! The Master looks on with great interest. Torgo and the other two wives watch with varying degrees of horror.) (After a time, the Master raises his hands) TOM: *Southern Minister* FEEL the power of Manos and BELIEVE that it can HEAL YEW!! MASTER Cease! (The women stop struggling.) CROW: *MASTER* Ladies, Ladies, you're ALL pretty! MASTER I have already determined your tasks. Mew (points to Mew) will kill the humans. You (Points at Wife #2) and you (points at a slightly frail and innocentlooking wife standing next to Torgo (wife #3)) TOM: *Chef* Will make sweet love. *starts singing* You and I together... MIKE: Tom, stop it. will go to the rooms of the interlopers, and lay with them for the night. CROW: *MASTER* For this I apologize in advance. MEW Softening them up for the kill? You make my job too easy. MIKE: *MASTER* Hahahahaha, then let's see you do it BLINDFOLDED! MASTER Do you again question my means? MEW No, master. (hangs her head) TOM: You know, Home is where you hang your head. MASTER Torgo will show you to their rooms. Mew, prepare yourself. WIFE #4 What of me, master? MASTER You will accompany me for the evening. I have personal need of your talents. CROW: *MASTER* If you know what I mean. rush_'s BEDROOM (Rush is asleep in his bed. A light floods into the room, as though a door has been opened. We see Wife #2 enter, and close the door behind her. She takes a few steps into his room before rush_ stirs. He sits up grogily.) rush_ Who are you? CROW: *WIFE 2* Why, It's your fairy godmother... TOM: Hopefully she's here to turn this into a real script. MIKE: Best that she doesn't. WIFE #2 I have been sent. For you, rush_. rush_ For me? Well, that white sheet suits you well. CROW: He likes them KKK chicks. (Wife #2 unties her garment, and lets it drop to the floor. She stands before rush_'s bed naked.) ALL: UGH! MIKE: Again do we HAVE to see this? rush_ That suits you even better. (Wife #2 climbs on rush_'s bed, and kneels next to him, covering his mouth) WIFE #2 Shhh. No need for talk. TOM: *muffled* No,that's okay. I prefer talking over teasing any day... uhh...I gotta sneeze... rush_ I can't wait to find out if Nate got one of you, too. I can't wait to find out what he did with her. WIFE #2 Shhh. CROW: This is so WRONG WRONG WRONG!! HALLWAY (From a first person point of view, TOM: We now return to a game of Doom, Already in progress. we see the door to Nate's bedroom open. ALL: *whistling the Halloween theme* He is sleeping peacefully, embracing his pillows in his arms.) MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, what's wrong with this picture? NATE'S BEDROOM (Wife #3 takes a step into the bedroom. She shuts the door, and starts walking forward. When she is close enough to see Nate's bed clearly in the moonlight, it is empty.) ALL: *applauding and cheering* Nice trick, wonderful! (Nate appears behind Wife #3) NATE Bea Arthur, I presume? WIFE #3 What? MIKE: *NATE* Crap, you're not Bea Arthur. NATE: Who are you? Who sent you? As if it wasn't obvious. CROW: *female voice, strange accent* I was sent by Vyger. (The wife is shocked. She turns, but Nate is already sitting at the foot of his bed.) NATE Nobody sneaks up on me. TOM: *Michael Palin* Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Who are you? Pretty girl like you shouldn't be wasting her life away in this place. WIFE #3 I am for you, Nate. CROW: *Wife #3* and you for me, no matter how we toss the dice, it had to be. (The wife drops her gown, as the other did for rush_) (Nate diverts his eyes, and jumps off the bed. He searches the floor for her robe.) NATE Don't do that! WIFE #3 Do you not desire me? TOM: Right, he's an ultramodest, arrogant, rude antisocial jerkboy of a hero that's never had a girlfriend and probably never even KISSED a girl in his entire inconsequential life, and SHE'S the one worried about rejection? NATE I don't even know you! (he finally finds the robe) Put this back on. (He throws her the robe) WIFE Why? NATE You are for me. Well, I assume that means you'll do my every bidding. CROW: So bark like a dog! And I want you to put that robe on. Go on. WIFE (dons the robe) Now what? NATE Gee...I um, have no idea. Sit down. (They sit on the bed) What's your name? MIKE: Fanatic Pagan Cults, the new Meeting-Place for singles. WIFE I have none. NATE No name? MIKE: No Personality? CROW: No wit? TOM: No Charm? ALL: NATE! WIFE Only Mew, the first of The Master's wives, is allowed to have a name. NATE Well, if I'm gonna talk to you, I'm going to need something better than "Hey, you" to call you...may I pick something? CROW: *NATE* Like my nose? WIFE Ok. NATE How about Mary? MARY Mary...yes. That's nice. (she finally smiles) Thank you. TOM: Y'know, there's a conspiracy inside that name that I'm not able to pinpoint.... CROW: Probably because Nate chose it.... TOM: THAT'S the conspiracy! NATE So...um, how long have you been a wife...? MARY I'm not sure. As far back as I remember. MIKE: *Ray Liotta*...I've always wanted to be a gangster. NATE Even when you were small? MARY I don't recall being young. TOM: Oh, she's Ronald Reagan. NATE What I wouldn't give to forget my childhood. MARY What I wouldn't give to remember mine. CROW: Dammit, this is the premise of "Freaky Friday"! MIKE: Darn you, Nathan Bredfeldt! Darn you to heck! NATE You can have mine, if you'd like. MARY (another pretty smile) I might like that. Tell me about it? NATE You sure you want to hear? It isn't short, or pretty. MIKE: or interesting... MARY I do. Tell me! Really! CROW: *under his breath* Uh-oh, brace yourselves... NATE Well, ok. You promise to tell me if you get bored? MARY Ok. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ALL: WHEW! MIKE: Dodged THAT bullet. (The first rays of day are piercing the veil of the horizion) TOM: What? You mean a movie like this gets to see a second day? MIKE: It really doesn't even deserve to see two hours. TOM: You bet your socks it doesn't! MIKE: And we're...audi. *MIKE and the BOTS get up and leave* 6....5....4....3....2....1...()==() *TOM AND CROW APPEAR ON THE SOL BRIDGE, WEARING GRASS SKIRTS.* CROW: So...why'd Mike make us put on grass skirts? TOM: You got me. *MIKE COMES IN, DRESSED IN A GRASS SKIRT AND A CLAMSHELL BRA OVER HIS JUMPSUIT* MIKE: Oh hey guys. Glad you made it. And even gladder you put on the costumes TOM: Yeah ummm...why? MIKE: Well, the script made me write the following ditty. Cambot, hit it! *THEY START SWAYING AS "THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT" plays* "The House of Manos" (Sung to the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") BOTS: a-wimb-o-weh, a-wimb-o-weh, a-winb-o-weh, a-wimb-oh-weh, a-wimb-o-weh, a-wimb-o-weh, a-wimb-o-weh, a-wimb-oh-weh MIKE: In the Manos, the House of Manos, The Master sleeps tonight, He's as lively as poison ivy, and not a pretty sight. BOTS: And Nate's a snob, a stupid slob, he cannot hold a steady job, The Master has a wife named mew, The house is charred to timbuktu... MIKE: Then there's Torgo, the goat-legged Torgo, The servant of the place, Sad to state that... TOM: HE PROCREATED!! MIKE: Nate Bredfeldt has no taste. BOTS: The Master has his wives of four, it's safe to say, he'll always score, They put this movie on our plate, and choked us with their hands of fate MIKE: In the movie, this horrid movie, The good guys all survive, we should find them, and all blind-side them and mutilate their hides. oWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEowim-mum-mum-bo-weh........ BOTS: *STOP AT MIKE'S LAST NOTE* MIKE: What? That's how the song goes! *TOM and CROW exit stage right* MIKE: Hey, guys, where're you going? *MOVIE SIGN* MIKE: Guys, come back, we've got movie sign! *MIKE chases after his robot friends* ()==()...1....2....3....4....5....6.... *MIKE comes in carrying TOM, setting him down in the usual place. CROW follows and takes his usual place* MIKE: Hiding in the load bay...I should have known. CROW: Yeah yeah, Mike is great, Mike is God. TOM: Head's up guys, movie's back. HALLWAY (rush_ takes one last look at, then shuts the door on the slumbering wife #2. He begins walking down the hallway, and stops at a door, then presses his ear to it. Nate and Mary's voices can faintly be heard. Their tone is playful, not severe) CROW: *Weatherman* And here we have a playful front that's going to move on in and push the severe and unhappy fronts and for the next week we should be seeing sunshine and happiness....And now for our five-day forecast.... NATE C'mon! You have to have one! MARY I don't know! NATE Everyone else does! TOM: I umm...REALLY hope they're not talking about what it sounds like they're talking about... MARY I never gave it any thought! I don't know! CROW: *MARY* I was born in a test-tube, NOW will you leave me alone!? NATE well, then. Your favorite color can be red, because that's mine. CROW: *NATE* And your favorite hobby can be sex, because that's mine MIKE: Crow! (rush_ sighs and shakes his head. He then continues down the hall.) BATHROOM (rush_ is in the shower. This is a good place to get some butt shots in, ALL: AGH! TOM: or NOT, preferably! because the movie is probably running a little short and needs padding.) MIKE: NO IT DOESN'T! CROW: Bredfeldt certainly likes to prolong the misery, doesn't he? (rush_ has just rinsed his hair out, and finds a small bottle of shampoo in his travel bag. Just as he locates it, the shower curtain is thrown open, revealing Mew. Mew is dressed in some traditional amazon-like garb, and wields a ceremonial type knife. She is about to stab rush_, but stops and looks him over. She smiles.) TOM: *MEW* I've heard that they shrink, but REALLY... MEW I'm very impressed. CROW: *MEW* But then again, I don't get out much, tee hee. But it is the will of Manos himself that you die. MIKE: *MEW* Sorry. Cult Policy, you know. (Mew stabs at rush_, who tries to sway backwards. The knife manages to graze his neck, and blood trickles from his neck to the floor of the shower, to be washed away by the water. rush_ grabs Mew's arm, and smashes it against the wall in front of him, but her grip on the knife remains strong. Mew brings her other hand around, and punches rush_ in the head. rush_ retaliates by twisting her knife arm, and elbowing her in the throat. She staggers back, and rush_ is out of the shower. Mew stabs again, this time missing cleanly. rush_ misses with a punch. Mew gets behind rush_, and shoves him face first against the wall. She brings the knife to his neck, but rush_ manages to kick the heel of his foot into her shin. Mew stumbles back and drops her knife, but rush_ slips and hits the floor. rush_ attempts to scramble to his feet, but Mew is faster. She grabs his shoulder and head, and forces his head into the nearby toilet. rush_ struggles for about thirty seconds, but finally falls still. ALL: *non-committal* oh no.. CROW: Death by swirly. After some time, Mew pulls his head out of the toilet, and drags him out of the room.) CROW: WELL....that's one down. MIKE: Suddenly this script is looking up. TOM: It's Manos, Mike. Don't count on it. HIGHWAY (The make out couple are still drinking and kissing. The woman opens her eyes, and they grow wide. She pulls back.) TOM: *WOMAN* I suddenly realize I hate you. MAN What? More tongue? CROW: *WOMAN* No thanks, I'm full. WOMAN Look at that! MAN (looks) What is that? MIKE: *WOMAN* Ha-ha, made ya look! WOMAN Hope it isn't coming for us. NATE'S ROOM (Nate and Mary are still sitting on the bed, talking and maybe holding hands. CRPW: MAYBE holding hands!!? Hey, buddy, either they're holding hands or kissing each other! MIKE: Y'know, just the fact that they "may" be holding hands is scary enough. Sunlight is flooding in through the windows) TOM: *singing* There's a liiiiight... MIKE: Step into the light. CROW: Lolita. Light of my life, fire of my loins.... NATE Yeah, so I made the mistake of asking the valedictorian out to the senior prom. When she said yes, I was shocked! What was I supposed to do? I swore never to accept another dare from my friends. But, I think she had a good time. TOM: *NATE* I picked her up in my Pacer wearing my Star Trek uniform. I think she was impressed. It was hard to tell, though. CROW: *NATE* She spent most of the night in the bathroom. MARY That's sweet. I just have one question. What's a Senior Prom? MIKE: *NATE* A Senior Prom is when you gum up the seats and grease the lockers of the helpless freshmen.... CROW: Uh, Mike, that's not a Senior Prom. MIKE: But that's what I was told. TOM: Tsk tsk tsk.. NATE Heh. Silly me. Forgot you spend your life up against a pole. Uh-oh. MARY That sounds bad. What? TOM: *NATE* I just remembered that I spent my life up against a pole too! LIES LIES! ALL I WAS TELLING YOU WERE LIES!!! *sob* NATE It's morning. CROW: Nice to see Nate's keen detective skills kicking in so early in the day. (he crosses to the window) You said the Master sent you to wear me down, right? MARY Yes. (hanging her head) It was the will of Manos. I had no choice. CROW: *MARY, in one breath* I was drunk and high and had about 20 years sleep so I was wide awake and had nothing to do so I thought obeying Manos would be kinda cool so I signed up not knowing there would be a Master and a goat-man and a pole involved... *MIKE and TOM are staring at him* CROW: *keeps going*...and so I did and when I did I found out there were three more wives and anyway I was like "eeeeww, what-ever" so anyway I've been doing that ever since. How are you? NATE I don't blame you. And I figured that as long as I didn't sleep with you, I'd be fine. But- MIKE...I'm a totally incompetant boob. MARY But? NATE I haven't slept in forty hours. I'm far from top form. MARY I'm sorry. MIKE: *MARY* I never knew you had a top form. NATE It's not your fault. I should have just made love to you for an hour, than slept for the rest. Damn. TOM: Now with that thought in our heads we are traumatized forever. MARY If I know you, you wouldn't have done that. You're too good. CROW: Oh lovely, more "Nate is God" talk. NATE Nothing to do now. I need a pizza. Or a shower. MIKE: Not as much as WE need a shower, buddy. Is there a shower? I thought I heard one. MARY At the end of the hall. TOM: *MARY*...behind the door marked "Bottomless Chasm". NATE I just need half an hour. Stay here. Get some rest. We'll be leaving soon. TOM: Suuure you will... MARY But, I cannot just abandon my Master. MIKE: Suuuure you can't... NATE Soon, your Master will have other things on his mind. He might even be too dead to care. Promise me you'll stay? CROW: Suuuure she will... MARY I'll stay here. NATE A woman is waiting for me. This has got to be a first. MIKE: *annoyed* Dontcha just wanna... CROW: More than anything, Mike. HALLWAY CROW: Professor Plum in the Hallway with the knife? TOM: Torgo in the Bathroom with the toothbrush! MIKE: No it was the Master in the kitchen with a muu-muu... (Nate is limping down the hall, the way rush_ went. Out of nowhere, Torgo appears.) TORGO The Master- CROW: *TORGO* ....Is DeAD! All: YAAAY!! NATE Tell your master that he has one hour to fix our car and come along peacefully, or he will die. Emphasize that, ok? TORGO But, the Master wants you- (Nate is already in the bathroom) MIKE: That must be a very short Hallway. BATHROOM (Nate is in front of the mirror, applying hydrogen peroxide to the claw marks on his face. They are worse than they were before.) (Nate turns on the shower. He tries to take his shirt off, TOM: Please, for the love of God, DON'T! but dosen't have the strength. ALL: Whew! He simply limps into the shower, and adjusts the shower head so that it points at his face) CROW: Yeah, not like that swollen ankle is a priority or anything. MIKE: Maybe he'll drown himself. TOM: With our luck? Don't think so. (After a pointless cutaway shot, TOM: Emphasis on the POINTLESS. back to Nate in the shower. He lets off a long sigh, rests his arm against the wall, and his head on his arm) (Again, the shower curtain is thrown open. Mew is again standing there, and this time is shocked to see Nate fully dressed (well, no shoes)) MIKE: That's still enough to say that Nate is gruesomely naked. CROW: And notice that Mew's not smiling. NATE Oh, for the love of God. (With what seems his last ounce of strength, Nate pushes the shower head so it faces Mew. She is off guard just long enough for Nate to jump at her. TOM: Too weak to take off his shirt, yet strong enough for hand-to-hand combat. Anybody else smell plot contrivance? The two roll to the floor, and the knife slides across the floor. They continue to roll like newlyweds, ALL: Newlyweds? CROW: I swear if they get married by the end of this script, I'm disassembling myself. until they hit a wall. Nate is on top, giving him the leverage to throw a punch. Mew gets the leverage to kick Nate in the yahoos. He makes an unpleasant face. TOM: Realizing that he really doesn't have yahoos to begin with. Mew is able to roll so that she is on top, and grips Nate by the throat with both hands. Nate kicks her in the yahoos, MIKE: Hey! She has yahoos? TOM: And Infoseek, and Lycos, and Excite, and Webcrawler. rolls over, and jumps to his feet. His back is against the same wall rush_'s was. Nate looks around, and sees a small window in the wall behind him. He makes a feeble attempt to reach it, then sees Mew charging him with her knife. With one final burst of strength, Nate manages to throw Mew through the window.) MIKE: Welcome to another episode of Lifestyles of the Obscure & Retarded! NATE (panting heavily) Damn. CROW: This man is the Ernest Hemingway of idiots. (Nate climbs on the toilet, and pokes his head through the shattered window. Mew is on the ground, her eyes closed and blood trickling from her mouth) TOM: *Frank-N-Furter* It was a mercy killing. MIKE: Tom... TOM: Last time, Mike. I promise. (Nate jumps to the ground, and slides to a sitting position, back against the wall. On his left, he notices a blood stain on the wall. Nate nervously checks himself, then notices it is dry.) NATE: rush_. CROW: Kiss! NATE'S ROOM (Nate walks in, as fast as he can) NATE Damn. Damn. Damn. MIKE: *NATE* The cat peed in my bong... MARY What? NATE They got my partner. TOM: These days they're called "Male Travel Companions". MARY (looks worried) The Master? NATE An assassin. Some crazy chick. MIKE: She's a freak, a superfreak, she's superfreaky. I put her down good. But I'm not leaving, until I get rush_'s body; for a proper burial. We've been through a lot together. TOM: *NATE* And now that he's dead, the fun can really begin! MIKE and CROW: TOM NOOOOO! MARY Mew? MIKE: *NATE* I'll get you some catnip later... NATE Beg pardon? MARY You killed Mew. The Master's oldest wife and assassin. I didn't think it could be done. NATE Stick with me long enough, and I'll show you dozens of things you never thought could be done. TOM: Uh-oh. Pointing out how Nate is the Right Hand of God again. MIKE: More like left testicle of God. CROW: I thought he was the Right Hand of Fate. TOM: No that's Manos, he's the Hand of Fate. MIKE: Well the Right Hand of Fate is connected to the Wristbone of Fate, ya know. Oh! That shouldn't have sounded perverted! It wasn't, ok? CROW: Certainly walking on eggshells all of a sudden, isn't he? MIKE: Well he knows that once Mary finds out what a complete jerk he REALLY is, she'll bolt like a jackrabbit on amphetemines. CROW: Granted MARY It didn't seem perverted to me. TOM: *MARY* But then again I'm just an obligatory love interest, what do I know? NATE Oh. Heh. Whew. I'm gonna like being around you, Mary. MIKE: *NATE* You have that New Car Smell MARY I think I like you, as well. TOM: *MARY* The arrogant, rude, self-serving holier-than-everybody type really does it for me NATE Thanks. (A noise cuts off any further dialogue. Mary helps Nate to the window. Outside, they see dozens of police type cars forming a barricade around the house) NATE At last. It's finally almost over. ALL: HALLELUJAH! OUTSIDE (The barricade of cars has been set. State troops and local cops run around, securing the area and stuff. The head state trooper is co-ordinating with Bert the Cop, from earlier in the movie) MIKE: *Officer Barbrady* All right, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos! TROOPER The perimeter is secure, we just need your go ahead to storm the place. TOM: *TROOPER* It's not like we need a warrant or anything. COP We should be- ALL: *singing* DANCIN'...YEAH! NATE (From inside his room, quite a ways off) Hey! Here! It's me! Let's do it! (He waves frantically) CROW: *Daffy Duck* Gimme a close-up! A close-up!! COP That's him. MIKE: *COP* Drop him! TROOPER You heard the man. Let's do it. TOM: *TROOPER* Let's fall in love! (The collected law enforcement people prepare to assault the house. Suddenly, about half way between the house and blocade, a puff of smoke rises, depositing The Master (arms still outstretched) as it dissapates.) MIKE: *announcer* Ladies and gentlemen, you wanted the worst? YOU GOT THE WORST!! NATE'S ROOM MARY Oh, no! NATE Don't worry. These guys are professionals. TOM: Professionally idiotic, but professionals nonetheless. OUTSIDE MASTER Night slips away, but the power of Manos is with me. (A red bolt of energy from The Master's eyes causes a car to explode. MIKE: Hey! He's ripping off Superman! He waves his hand, and several officers go flying. TOM: And now he's plagiarizing Darth Vader again! Another bolt of red energy destroys another cop car. The Master dissapears) CROW: It's the Amazing RANDO! MIKE and TOM: *Non-committal* Yaaay. COP (looking down but defiant) Regroup! Keep your eyes open! Fire at will! (The Master appears in the barricade. Several officers shoot at him. He shrugs the bullets off, MIKE: Superman! and uses another wave of his hands to make the guns fly from their hands. CROW: Darth Vader! The Master makes a fist, and several officers choke. TOM: AND DARTH VADER AGAIN!! DAMN, BREDFELDT'S SHAMELESS! Eventually they fall to their knees, and then to the ground. Once more, he vanishes.) MIKE: For that blatant display of unoriginality, for good...hopefully. COP Everyone out! Get to the nearest working car and retreat. (The Master appears in his original attack position. One more red eye beam MIKE: Red eye beam? TOM: He's shooting fish out of his eyes? CROW: And lightning out of his arse. causes the final few cars to explode in a chain reaction) TOM: Starring Keanu Reeves, miscast as a brilliant scientist. MIKE: Actually casting Keanu Reeves as a brilliant ANYTHING is miscasting. NATE'S ROOM (Nate and Mary have been at the window, watching the preceeding events) NATE Ah, crap. MIKE: *NATE* Now I need a new pair of shoes. (He starts to limp back towards the bed. Mary helps him) NATE Thanks. You are going to have the best of everything, once we get out of here. Food, clothes...everything money can buy. CROW: *NATE* Well...food stamps, anyway. (He lifts a suitcase from the floor to the bed. He opens it, and begins working) CROW: This guy didn't even bring a set of clothes? Is he some sort of hillbilly? MIKE: That DOES explain a few things. MARY We aren't leaving alive, are we? NATE Probably not. MARY Thank you, then. For making me feel...something before I died. MIKE: Nausea? NATE Alive. And thank you for making my last night on earth the best one I've ever had. (Nate takes something out of the case, and attaches it to the wall.) CROW: So he does care about the welfare of our children! Look at that "Missing" poster.. TOM: It's not a "Missing" Poster, It's a Glade air freshner! CROW: No it isn't TOM: YES IT IS!! MIKE: I guess this one time we wished this was actually a movie instead of a script, eh? TOM and CROW: NO!!! MARY What is-? NATE Explosives. MIKE: *NATE* A plot device I have to stop the Master somehow. MIKE: *british accent* By planting these bombs at strategic points in his TARDIS, the blast force SHOULD throw him into the Eye of Harmony This was our last resort. But, with no car we can't leave, and I have to make sure the Master is still in here when they go off. (He sets the timer for 20 minutes. It counts down) Stay here. I'm going to set these, and then...I don't know. CROW: *crazy voice* So he sez to me, you wanna be a bad guy? so I sez YEAH BABY! THE BADDEST! So he sez to me, you got bombs, blow up the Manos house, it's full of creepy characters, you will go down in supervillain history and I says YEAH BABY! CUZ I AM THE EVIL MIDNIGHT BOMBER WHAT BOMBS AT MIDNIGHT! HA-HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA *MIKE and TOM both move one seat away from him* MARY (Kisses him on the cheek) Be careful. TOM: *MARY* Don't like, die and stuff. NATE Ok. But only for you. CROW: Which also proves how few friends he really has. HALLWAY (Nate limps towards the bathroom, bombs in hand. From nowhere, Torgo Jr appears, and blocks his way) NATE Move it, Junior. I have no qualms with you. TorgoJr: You cannot...have her. NATE You _can_ talk! TOM: You _can_ react! TorgoJr I want the master's youngest bride. She is mine to protect. I will protect her. TOM: I STILL can't believe he procreated! *sobbing* MIKE: *comforting TOM* There there, honey. NATE You love Mary? You can have her. CROW: Real devoted to her, isn't he. Just get her out of here. Treat her with respect, and she'll grow to like you. She's a wonderful, kind, caring woman. CROW: *NATE* Everything I only would have hoped to be. Just get her away from this house in the next quarter-hour. TorgoJr I cannot leave The Master, or my father. MIKE: DUDE, never remind us of that again, EVER! TOM: *sobbing* TORGO..P-P-P-P... MIKE: You see what you're doing to Tom, Bredfeldt? TOM:...PROCREATED...*sobbing* NATE You have fifteen minutes to choose otherwise. (He pushes past T.J. and enters the bathroom) CROW: TJ?? MIKE: Kinda makes you wish Adrian Zmed would just come and arrest everyone ever involved in this script. NATE'S BEDROOM (Nate returns, empty handed) TOM: *Bullwinkle* Nuthin' up mah thleeve. NATE Got five set. Two to go, ten minutes to do `em. CROW: Okay... ALL: *Clap* Break! You said the Master had a hidden room in the back? (Mary nods) I need to get inside. THE MASTER'S LAIR (Mary enters, dragging Nate behind her by his feet. The Master is resting on his slab, and the two remaining wives are sitting by their miniature version of the fire cauldron, talking quietly about something.) MIKE: Wow, you can really tell that Bredfeldt thought the dialogue for this scene out, can't you. CROW: Riveting. TOM: So riveting I could puke. MARY: (Drops Nate's legs with a thump!) Master, are you well? MIKE: *MASTER* Can't you see I'm sleeping? I've had a busy day killing policemen and making utter chaos with my power of Manos so please, let me and my Manos rest! MASTER (Rises from his slab) Yes. The battle with the intruders drained much of my strength. But, Great Manos is returning it to me. All hail our Lord, Manos! ALL: *sarcastic* Hail, hail. WIVES All hail Lord Manos. MASTER What have you brought me? MIKE: *MASTER* A Sony Playstation? Please tell me it's a Sony Playstation! MARY One of the intruders, Master. He killed the first of your wives, but but could not escape my hold. CROW: One "But" is enough... MIKE: But don't you need two "buts" to make one whole "But"? TOM: No, you need two "cheeks" to make a "but". Two "Buts" Make you a one-man freak show. MIKE: But doesn't two "cheeks" make a face? CROW: So that means our face is also our "but" *PAUSE* ALL: Hmmmmm... MIKE: And now, back to the script. TOM: Do we have to? MIKE: Yes, Tom. I'm ashamed to say we must. MASTER Very good. Manos will have a sacrifice when the sun falls below the earth. TOM: I'm a veteran of the first movie and I still have to ask, who is Manos, anyway? MIKE: My guess would be either David Koresh or Ted Turner, with the latter of the two being the most likely. And you...once third of my wives, shall serve above all as the first of my wives. CROW: Is anybody else lost about the Spousal Pecking Order around here? WIFE #2 Master! I am your second wife! I have served you well, and for far longer than she! Why must SHE get the honored position as your first wife? MIKE: *MASTER* Are you KIDDING? You're a wildebeast! MARY (nervous, but covering it with anger) My independence shows my faith! Had you the initiative to kill your target, instead of leaving him for Mew, perhaps you would be worthy of the position of first wife. CROW: *MARY* Like, y'know, if you weren't so lousy n' stuff, maybe you'd not be in this stupid movie and probably get a job acting like a whore in Les Miserables or something...teehee... WIFE #2 My loyalty to the Master is such that I will obey his every word! Master, did you not know that she did not lay with him? She disobeyed! TOM: *MASTER* Well I can't really say I blame her... MARY (slaps Wife #2) Foul speaking harlot! (The two women begin fighting.) MIKE: Because summer's here and the time is right for fighting in the cult. (The Master looks on appreciatively. Suddenly, a thud is heard, and he falls to the ground. CROW: *british accent* Oh yes, a blow to the head, thank you VERY much. Nate stands behind him, knapsack in hand and smile on face. The wives stop fighting) MARY Nate! MIKE: *Mary* Put your pants back on! (Nate is pulling a bomb out of the sack. He puts it on a pillar, and sets it for five minutes.) NATE Mary, you are _not_ cut out for Secret Agent work. TOM: But neither is Nate. `Gently set my bad foot on the floor' does not mean `drop my foot'. CROW: *MARY* Oh come on, you deserved it you big horse's behind! TOM: Y'know, you have a bomb set to go off in five minutes and all you're doing is talking!? BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HECK UP AND RUN! MIKE: Tom, you forget this is Nate and Mary you're talking about TOM: Oh that's right...BOTH OF YOU STAY RIGHT THERE!!! MARY Sorry. (Nate limps to the stone slab. Before he can reach it, Wife #4 blocks his path) NATE I've already killed one woman today. Please don't make me kill another. MIKE: *NATE* I get on a roll and I don't know when to stop TOM: Nate must've really been a problem child growing up....with his attitude and desire for killing women and stuff.... CROW: I wonder how his mother ever put up with him. (Nate suddenly falls, much the way the Master did. This time, it is the Master standing behind Nate) MARY NO! MASTER To answer your question, second of my wives; I see everything that goes on in my domain. MIKE: *MASTER* God Bless the inventor of plot contrivances. (The Master gets a troubled look on his face) CROW: *Bugs Bunny* Oh my, I seem to have forgotten my fudge. MASTER No! MIKE: *MASTER* I will NOT pay a lot for this muffler! BATHROOM (Torgo stumbles in, one bomb in each hand. TOM: *TORGO* anD nOw fOR...tHe...JuGglIng poRTiOn...oF oUr...sHoW... He looks around, and stumbles across the room. Torgo notices a bomb on the side of the bathtub, and begins to awkwardly grab at it.) Crow: *TORGO* MmMMm.....CaNDy...... MIKE: Torgo was never a bright man, nor was he a properly balanced man. (Torgo Jr enters) TorgoJr Father! CROW: *Bugs Bunny* You're back from Peru! (Torgo stops, and turns around) TORGO You spoke. You-You never speak. What has loosened your tongue? MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the SCARIEST part of the movie. TOM: *Sobbing and muttering to himself* Procreated....*sob* Why!? One Torgo wasn't bad enough?? TorgoJr The policemen. They are going to destroy the master. They are going to destroy everything; all of this. CROW: And you're saddened by this? TORGO Yes, son. We must stop them. Help me. TOM: *TORGO* rEGaIn mY...SeNsEs... TorgoJr I cannot. The man is going to destroy The Master. And I am glad! He had no right to enslave her. She will be free. TORGO You love the youngest of them. *TOM and CROW begin a great weeping and gnashing of beak. MIKE pulls them in a comforting embrace* MIKE: Curse you, Nathan Bredfeldt, have you no sense of decency?? There there, guys, I promise you it's almost over. *TOM and CROW straighten up slowly* TorgoJr She is called Mary, now. CROW: *TORGO JR* tHe...wInD...CRieS hEr... TORGO Help me save The Master. He will reward you. Bend her will to your whim. CROW: *TORGO* AnD...giVE mE wHat'S...iNSiDe wHEn sHe sNaPs...iN...hALf... TorgoJr She deserves better! She needs to be free! TORGO Stop this nonsense! There is no will but The Master's! (Torgo returns to defusing the bomb) TOM: Caretaker, Butler, Thighmaster abuser, member of the El Paso Bomb Squad, I DON'T THINK SO!!!! TorgoJr: No! Never! (TJ rushes at Torgo. Torgo manages to turn around, and his son is on top of him, wrapping his hands around Torgo's throat. Torgo does the same to TJ. Both fall to the floor) CROW: They lose consciousness and die. ALL: YAY! THE MASTER'S LAIR (The Master is still where he was before, with the same look of horror on his face) NATE (Rams his good foot into The Master's groin) Bet you didn't see that one coming. MIKE: *high pitched voice* Not really, no. TOM: Are heroes that fight dirty and take cheap shots REALLY heroes? (Nate struggles to his feet. The Master has recovered. Nate punches him twice in the face. The Master staggers back, and brings his staff to bear. He slowly starts moving it back and forth. Nate's head absently follows. This continues, until Mary deftly rushes towards Nate, and rams him in the back, sending him tumbling into the Master. The staff falls and breaks. Nate punches the Master in the face until he stops moving.) TOM: The Master then forms a cocoon and turns into a beautiful butterfly... CROW and MIKE: Oooohhhh.... (Nate carries The Master's body to the stone slab. Nate sets the bomb on top of him) NATE Get out of here, Mary! There's still time! MARY You come, too! NATE I can't leave my partner! MIKE: That's so sweet. I had no idea Nate and rush_ were engaged! MARY He's dead! I'm alive! TOM: Real perceptive, isn't she. And...I can't make it without you! NATE That's a lie, and you know it. You're the most independent woman I know. You stood up to a dark god. CROW: *Stewart Smalley* Becauth you're good enough, you're thmart enough, and doggonnit, people like you! MARY Please come with me. NATE Oh...Fine. CROW: *NATE, whining* Have it your way, I don't care. MAIN ROOM (Nate and Mary make haste through here on the way to...) MIKE: The bathroom! CROW: The Poconos! TOM: The Botanical Garden! OUTSIDE TOM: Well I was close... (Nate leads Mary through the screen door, and they see the car. Its hood is still up from last night) NATE I forgot! The engine! There's a piece or three missing! MIKE: *NATE* I forgot! My brain! There's a hemisphere or two missing! TorgoJr (OS) I replaced it. CROW: *TORGO JR*...wIth...FOLgers CrySTAls, lEt'S...sEE if you...NOtiCe tHe.. DiFferEnce... NATE Huh? MIKE: He said he replaced it! With what, I DO NOT want to know! (T.J. is standing on the other side of the car) CROW: Holding a pot of coffee in one hand and a Playboy in the other! TorgoJr I did it for Mary. So she wouldn't have to die. TOM: I still can't believe Torgo procreated! MIKE: There there, Tom. We'll purge when we get out of here. NATE (slams the hood shut) Get in the car, Mary. (to TorgoJr) Please come with us. CROW: *NATE* We could use a deformed freak around the house. TorgoJr No. Without the Master, I am nothing. Just treat her kindly. TOM: *TorgoJr* And bESIdes... I THinK...one...ToRGo is...moRE thAn...EnOuGH ...fOr THe viEWinG....AUdieNce...To...bEAr. NATE I promise. Thank you. (Nate jumps in the car, starts the engine, and pulls away, just as the house goes up in a spectacular fireball) CROW: There goes the movie's ENTIRE special effects budget... THE OPEN ROAD (As the car speeds down the highway, the scenery around them goes from bleak to slightly more lush and green) TOM: The end of the movie's just over the horizon, floor it!! MARY Thank God it's over. MIKE: *MARY* Now I can dump your sorry ass at the nearest gas station. NATE (puts his arm around Mary) No, thank God it's just beginning. ALL: NOOOO! (Mary wraps her arms around Nate) CROW: *NATE* I got me a girlfriend, that means I can stop touching myself now. (The car speeds off into the horizion) MIKE: Never to be seen again, I hope. THE RUINS OF THE MASTER'S HOUSE (The house is pretty much demolished. Nothing remains standing. All is still) (Very subtly, there is movement. Then more movement. A figure slowly begins to rise from the rubble. It stands fully, and we see it is MIKE: The Great Pumpkin!! Mew. MIKE: Oh. Mew looks around the decimated ruins of the house. TOM: *MEW* GOD, what party did I miss?? She spots The Master's pale hand sticking up from the rubble. She walks to it, and spits.) CROW: *makes a spitoon clank noise* MEW: For twenty years, you kept me in captivity. For twenty years I existed without a soul, a mind, a will of my own. TOM: Oh, so she worked at AOL. Now you are gone, and I am free. CROW: She's going to start singing now, isn't she... All the world will suffer for those twenty years. MIKE: *MEW* From now on the world shall know me as CELINE DION! (A violent coughing comes from behind Mew. She turns. In another area of shallow rubble, rush_ is seen. He is on his hands and knees, CROW: Begging for the movie to end. coughing.) MIKE: You know, some Ny-Quil will clear that right up. (Mew smiles) MIKE: Not a very good assassin, is she? (Roll end credits, while showing shots from the movie. TOM: Mostly of Nate trying to pass himself off as a hero, no doubt. After all the other credits have been run, including "Filmed in El Paso" MIKE: *Texas accent* By folks who KNOW what a bad script should taste like. show a shot of the Master's picture, half destroyed by the blast, and lying in the rubble. Big red letters "The End?" TOM: The End? You mean 30 years since Harold P. Warren made this piece of garbage and they can't decide??? appear over this shot) MIKE: That was hideous...real hideous.... CRPW: Now you know what we've been through, Mike... *MIKE and the BOTS hurriedly get up and leave* *ON THE BRIDGE OF THE SOL, IT'S BEEN DECORATED TO LOOK LIKE A DANCE CLUB. THERE'S EVEN A DISCO BALL HANGING FROM THE TOP. MIKE, TOM AND CROW ARE IN CLUBWEAR. FUNKY VINYL, MOSTLY (ALTHOUGH MIKE HAS MORE OF A MICHAEL FLATLEY "LORD OF THE DANCE" THING GOING)* MIKE: Come on, everybody! Let's groove to the Torgo Dance Mix! Hit it, Cambot! *THE LIGHTS ON THE SOL DIM AND RED, GREEN AND BLUE LASERS MOVE AROUND BEHIND THEM AS A SYNTHESYZER RENDITION OF THE TORGO THEME WITH A THUMPING BEAT ROCKS THE HOUSE. STRANGELY ENOUGH, IT SOUNDS REALLY REALLY GOOD. MIKE'S DANCING WHILE THE BOTS ARE SWAYING BACK AND FORTH IN TIME TO THE MUSIC* *CASTLE FORRESTER* *BOBO is looking right at the screen. He's busting a move himself* BOBO: Ooh yeah...gotta turn this MUTHA out...*he starts cabbage-patching* Go Bobo, Go Bobo, Go Bobo, Go Bobo, Go Bo.... *A ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER TO THE HEAD ANSWERS HIM. PEARL COMES ONSCREEN* PEARL: BOBO! There will be no bumping and grinding without MY permission! *She looks at the screen. On the SOL, Mike and the Bots are gettin' down and goin' to town* PEARL: NELSON!!!! *SOL, MIKE AND THE BOTS STOP DANCING, THE DISCO BALL FALLS CRASHING TO THE FLOOR* PEARL: So YOU'RE the one spreading the dancing bug. I should have known. *OBSERVER COMES IN AND DROPS TWO ARMFULS OF LUGGAGE TO THE FLOOR* OBSERVER: Umm...Pearl... PEARL: OF all the insolant little... OBSERVER: PEARL!!! PEARL: *TURNING* What is it this time, Brain Guy... OBSERVER: Ortega's cousin has just arrived. PEARL: *CHEERING UP* Well...bring him in. OBSERVER: I'll fetch him immediately... *OBSERVER LEAVES. ORTEGA COMES IN LATER. HE STARTS SNIFFING PEARL'S HAIR* PEARL: Oh...charming... *SUDDENLY A FAMILIAR TUNE BEGINS TO PLAY....THEN, HOBBLING IN, IS TORGO (PLAYED TO THE HILT BY MIKE NELSON)* PEARL: TORGO?? TORGO: NiCE...pLaCe yOu...gOT...HeRe. tOM wODett wAs...rIGHt, you DID...leAVe tHe...lIGht oN... foR...mE... PEARL: Yes Yes... *ORTEGA AND TORGO GET UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO PEARL AND START FONDLING HER HAIR (MANOS NOSTALGIA) PEARL: ENOUGH! *SHE SWATS THEM AWAY* TORGO: I...bROught gIfTs, lEt...mE...geT ThEM... *HE REACHES INSIDE HIS PANTS, PEARL, BOBO AND OBSERVER DASH TO STOP HIM* PEARL: NO! I mean...that won't be neccessary... *SHE TURNS TO THE CAMERA* PEARL: Till next time, Mike...Brain Guy, will you do the honors? OBSERVER: Of course *HE CONCENTRATES* *FADE OUT,THE TORGO REMIX PLAYS OVER THE END CREDITS* Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Big thanks to Ian Rasmussen and my WBS chat buddies JBalt and NeoFreak for their contributions and without whose help I could have never gotten this done. And also thanks to: All the people that supported this MiSTing, the writers of the First Amendment and all MiSTies coast to coast. Like this MiSTing? Hated it? Then let me know at kramsey20@hotmail.com Keep circulating the scripts. NATE You threatening me? YOU THREATENING ME?