"Jammers" ...theme music, la-la-la's, guitar twang, door sequence, and... Tom: Ooh, and then we'll make Captain America the President! Crow: Yeah! And when he needs to go on secret missions against Doctor Doom--who's the ruler of the United European Technocracy--he wears the suit so no-one will know who he is! Not even Vice-President Tony Stark! Mike: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and Tom Servo and Crow, here, are trying to cash in on comics' latest trend. Right, guys? Crow: Yep! See, the new hit trend in comics is to reinvent popular comics characters in an alternate universe--deconstructing popular mythos in an effort to make a quick buck! Tom: Just kill off a few characters, resurrect a few more, make good guys bad guys, add a despotic tyrant and a resistance movement, and you're set! So, where were we? Mike: You were explaining how Spider-Man had been kidnapped by the Swedish government and turned into Spider-Woman. Tom: OK, so--Hey! [yellow light starts flashing on console] Mike: We've got commercial sign, guys. Crow: Don't think you can weasel your way out of this one, Mike. [Mike taps yellow light.] We'll be right back. ["Here at Comedy Central, we don't do anything to get ratings." Including keep worthwhile programming on the air, or show anything new, or--Excuse us. We're planning another 24-hour 'Saturday Night Live' marathon. Did we mention how crap NBC is?] Mike: And the Hulk could have his own talk show; I mean, can't you see it? "Hulk smash puny guests!" Tom: Oh, puh-lease, Mike. The Hulk hasn't talked like that since issue #327, when-- Crow: What about issue #376? What about Iron Man #1? Tom: Pshaw. 'Heroes Reborn' doesn't count for-- Mike: Button it, fanbot, the Wonder Twins are calling. [Taps red flashing light.] Dr. F: Greetings, Spider-Twit! You and your Amazing Friends had better just kneel down before my almighty Invention Exchange! [Pan over to TV's Frank, who is lying in a hospital bed, complete with IV's and an oxygen mask. Bellows are pumping, machines are beeping, etc.] Frank (voice slightly muffled by mask): How many times has this happened to you? You've got a friend in an ICU that's costing you money. You want to pull the plug, but it's too emotionally draining. So-- Dr. F: You just use my new invention. [Giggles maniacally and rubs his hands together, then claps twice. All the machines switch off.] The Intensive Care Clapper! [Cut back to SOL. Mike and the bots are gaping openly, with an expression of stunned shock on their faces. Well, except for Tom, who's got as much of an expression of stunned shock as you can have with a transparent head.] Crow (in low, Clint-Eastwood/Jack-Palance-esque tones): We'll just pretend we never saw that. [Mike shakes his head violently back and forth.] Well, now it's time for our Invention Exchange--which won't be some sick, depraved excursion into the darker reaches of the human spirit. [He holds up a small box about the size of a cigarette lighter.] It's the TV Beeper! Crow: Yeah, it tells you when something good is on TV, so you won't have to waste time watching bad shows! Mike: Now, how do you turn it on? Tom: Um, Mike...it is on. It's been on for twenty minutes. Mike: Oh. [Cut back to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing at the console, and in the background, Frank is clutching violently at his oxygen mask.] Dr. F: Gee, that's just thrilling. Well, Michael Moore, your little slice of pain today is a tale of the Age of Apocalypse...but not anywhere near as interesting. It's a worthless little piece of tripe called "Jammers", and it makes Ratliff look like Shakespeare. Send them the fanfic, Frank. [looks over at Frink, who is turning a rather interesting shade of violet.] Oh, for-- [hits the button quickly before running to the bed.] Mike: Why doesn't he just clap again--[lights, buzzers, total chaos] We've got FANFIC SIGN! [All head for theater amidst much hullaballoo] > This is my first attempt at Fan-Fiction Tom: Oooh, that's a bad sign right off the bat. Mike: Now, now, just because it's his first doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. > so bear with me. I wrote this in > script form to make this easier to read enjoy....if it's possible Crow: Nope...sorry, don't think it is. Tom: Can we start worrying yet? > - Prelate Syphon > > Note **command ** mean an action is being don Mike: Rickles? Crow: Knotts? Tom: Adams? > The Jammers in The Age of Apocalypse\Orgin of the Prelates All (singing): This is the dawning of the Age of Apocalypse...Age of Apocalypse... > Cast: Syphon/Prelate-Syphon-Male Prelation 16 Tom: The story...is about the author. I think it's now officially time to panic. > Gothic/Prelate-McCone-Female Prelation 16 > Hott Jammer- Male Mutant 17 Crow: OK, who would actually be cruel enough to name their child "Hott"? Mike: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Jammer, obviously. > Plasma Jammer-Male Mutant 16 Crow: "Hott" and "Plasma"? Boy, Mr. and Mrs. Jammer must have been thinking some really sick thoughts when they named these kids. > James Jammer-Male MetaMutant 18 > Plasmonica-Female Mutant 14 Mike: Hey, I learned how to play the plasmonica in sixth grade! But I had to stop because it burnt my lips. > Vortex-Male Mutant 15 > Gambit-Male Mutant 24 > Aftermath-Male OmniMutant 1,260,957 Mike: Bet he still needs to show ID in bars, though. Crow: I think I have Gym class after math. > Genenti-Male XenoMutant 1,9840 > Klaw-Male XenoMutant 1,209 > Kzan-Male XenoMutant 1,092 Mike: Great, it's the first story where the bad guys can qualify for the 'senior citizen' discount at Hardee's. > Dark Star-Male CloneMutant 3 but looks 16 > Moira Trask-Female Human 37 > Bolivar Trask-Male Human 37 > Dark Beast-Male Mutant 27 > Catalyst-? Prelation ? Tom: Don't ask us, we don't know. > Prelate-Richards-Male Prelation 23 > Prelate-Summers-Male Prelation 25 Crow: Gosh, I never realized "Prelate" was such a popular first name. Tom: Yeah, it's a yuppie thing, like "Morgan" and "Ashley". > Sentinal#1 > Sentinal#2 Crow: I heard Connery auditioned for the role of Sentinel #2. Mike: Sean? Crow: No, Neil. > Guard#1-Male Human 20 > Guard#2-Male Human 20 Tom: As played by Robert DeNiro in an uncredited cameo! Crow: Yeah, I heard he was paid a thousand dollars per second of screen time. Mike: But for DeNiro, that's 'scale'. > Magneto-Male Mutant 40 Crow: Gee, you'd think that a man who was an adult Holocaust survivor would be at least in his sixties... > Angel-Male Mutant 23 > Karma-Female Mutant 21 > Apocalypse-Male Mutant ? Tom: And playing the role of Apocalypse...Mick Jagger! > Rogue-Female Mutant 22 > Sabretooth-Male Mutant 84 > Wildchild-Male Mutant 20 > Blink-Female Mutant 16 > Morph-Male Mutant 21 > Mikhail-Male Mutant 23 > Trish Tilby-Female Human 22 > > > > February 1, 1995 > > > > Int. Eurasia, Night in the AOA Crow: Interior: Eurasia? Tom: Yeah, you know...in the Age of Apocalypse, it got domed and turned into a mini-mall. > A team of teenage mutants known as the Jammers outside the Human High > Council Building. Tom: I guess we're supposed to take his word for it. > Syphon: Uh? Jim what are we doin'' again Mon Ami? Crow: Yeah, could you recap the plot for us? > James Jammer: We tracked Aftermath and his desiples here > > Vortex: Thanks to me for my time travel and dimensional portals Mike: Oh, yes, let's all bow down to the Almighty Vortex now...whoop de doo. > Plasma Jammer: Thank you Vortex, Crow: Now shut up. > Jim I guess we should split up Tom: So as to be killed more readily. > Hott Jammer: Okay here's the teams 1: Jim, Hott, Plasma 2: Plasmonica, > Vortex > > And Since you two are from this reality 3: Gothic, Syphon > > Gothic: Sounds good to me 'cept Sy is from New Orleans over in North > America > > Syphon: Hey Chere I been here before when my an' my uncle Remy Tom: His uncle Remy? Crow: Oh, this is a recipe for pain, guys. > were here after my father died in da Louisiana cullings. > > Gothic: Oh, sorry (sarcastically) Mike: Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry your father died, geez, didn't mean to bother you or anything. > Plasmonica: Who's where All: Third base! > James Jammer: Dark Star and Geneti are in North America Crow: Well, that sure narrows it down. > Syphon: We'll go dere Mon Ami > > James Jammer: (To Syphon) Be careful Dark Star is you 10x Crow: 10x? What kind of name is that for a superhero? Tom: Well, I didn't see him in the cast listings... > Gothic Don't worry he's been in the Jammers since he was 13 and after > 1,000 > > battles is he dead? Mike: No, we've been pulling his scrawny little butt out of problems all this time, and we'll continue to do so now! > Syphon: Yeah thanks Chere. > > James Jammer: Fine, next Klaw and Kzan are in Russia > > Vortex: We'll take it I know Russia's lay out pretty well Crow: (Maxwell Smart voice): I know this country like the back of my hand! Um...could someone please show me to the back of my hand? > Hott Jammer: But this is a different reality no America, no safe zones, > > no, Pauly Shore Movies Tom: No Pauly Shore movies? That's it; I'm moving there. > .....Damn. Tom: These people are depressed that this reality has no Pauly Shore. Crow: Is it wrong to wish them dead? Mike: Not in this case. > Plasmonica: We know we know. Mike: But do you know you know you know? > James Jammer: Hott Jammer, Plasma Jammer and I will stay here and > figure out > > where Aftermath is. Tom: So the team leader gets to sit on his butt and try to work out where his Gym class is. Mike: No, it's Aftermath, the new sitcom starring Jamie Farr and Henry Morgan! > Syphon: Wait a minute 2 questions Mon Ami 1. How are we going to get > there > > 2. How do you know dat Crow: I'm not wearing any underwear? > James Jammer: answers 1. We ask the Human High Council 2. Gene Tracker > > If I scan for you I get..2 readings you and a variant namely Dark Star > > Syphon: Uh okay Mon Ami > > Plasma Jammer: Okay My friends shall we go in? > > They walk in to the building Tom: So, if they don't have the little **'s, does that mean they just say, 'They walk in to the building'? > Int. Building inside night Crow: Interior Building, inside. Isn't that a little redundant? Tom: And repetitive? Mike: And just saying the same thing, over and over again? > 2 guards confront them > > Guard#1: Halt!, What is your business with the council Crow: Candygram! > Syphon: Tell Moira, Julian LeBeau is here to see her > > Guard#2: first answer some questions 1. What are you Mike: I'm Batman. > 2.Who are you Crow (in Karl Malden voice): When I travel interdimensionally, frequently I'm not recognized by dim-witted security guards. That's why I carry the American Express card. Don't leave home without it! > 3. How do you Mrs. Trask? Tom: Say, that's a bit personal, isn't it? > James Jammer: 1. Mutants 2. The Jammers 3. Syphon is.... > > Syphon: Old friends with Mrs. Trask Crow: Oh, I'm sorry, you need to put your answer in the form of a question. But don't worry, you'll get these lovely bullets, and a copy of our home game. > Guard#1: Proceed Mike: And the Jammers manage to sneak past the intense scrutiny of the security guards. > Vortex: Buttheads (silently) > > Guard#2: Hey Tom: Yes, and that was DeNiro's only line in the entire story. Crow: But look at how well he delivered it! I mean...he _was_ Guard #2. > They enter the High Council Hall Tom: I guess the little **'s must have just been optional. > Int. High Council Hall night > > Moira Trask: Who are ye? > > Syphon: It's me Moira, Julian LeBeau. > > Moira Trask: I haven'ta seen ye in years how old are ye? > > Syphon: 16 nice ta ya Mon Ami > > Moira Trask: Yeah aren't ye Remy's boy > > Syphon: No, Mon Ami I Henri LeBeau's kid, Remy is my Uncle Tom: I'm sorry, but I still refuse to accept that. > Moira Trask: Now what Can I do ye for. > > James Jammer: I'm James Jammer leader of the Jammers, When my > Jammers and I Mike: Yes, and it's 4 'Jammers' in one line, a new record! > Came here 3 years ago we found Julian in North America with a man named > > Magneto in what was left of Westchester, New York. > > Boliver Trask: Julian long time no see lad where ye been > > Syphon: Boli Mon Ami been long time, I've been in New Jersey for the last > > Years. > > Plasma Jammer: To cut to the point we need transport to Russia and > > North America could you help us out? Mike: No, you little free-loading twits. Why don't you get a job, huh? > Moira Trask: Okay We have sentinels going to the former US and to > > Russia for Supplies anyway. All: Supplies! > Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami I owe you one. > > Moira Trask: How bout if ye promise ta help Eurasia's Defenses? > > Hott Jammer: I can build a Fire wall it won't be much use But it will > > Help if your bombed. Tom: Whoa, man, I'm, like, totally bombed right now. > Bolivar Trask: Any thing will help. > > So the Three teams spit up Jim,Hott,Plasma stay to gather info Tom: And Sir Robin went north, through the Dread Forest of Ewing. > Gothic and Syphon left to find Remy LeBeau and kill Dark Star and Geneti > > Vortex and Plasmonica left for Russia to find Klaw and Kzan Mike: Hi, I'm the narrator. No, I don't need little :'s to show where I'm talking. I'm the narrator, and if you tick me off, I'll make your character run head-first into a brick wall. > Int. Sentinel inside lounge day Crow: So, who else has come to the conclusion that this guy just saw the word 'Int' on a script and thought it was how you introduced scenes? [Both of the others raise their hands] > February 3, 1995 > > Sentinal#1: Estimated time to arrival to Moscow, Russia 30 minutes > > Vortex: So Monica You sleep well Tom: Yes, Monica's a truly expert sleeper. Very few have so thoroughly mastered the art of sleeping...drooling into the pillow, kicking off the covers... > Plasmonica: yep got my 8 hours, Vortex. > > Vortex: Please, call me Mike Mike: You know, I knew a Mike Vortex in college, once... > Plasmonica: Okay.....Mike > > Vortex: Lets go see the computer files maybe we'll find somethin' useful Tom: Like 'Descent'. > Plasmonica: Okay. He he he (silently) > > After 30 minutes of Making out they land and get out Crow: They had to land from necking? Now that is a make-out session. > Int. Wasteland noon Tom: Interior Wasteland? Crow: Yep...they didn't just land, they got embedded six feet into the ground. > Kzan: Hello Jammers > > Vortex: crap... I didn't Expect to see you so soon Tom: My punctuation and capitalization generator is still on the fritz. > Plasmonica: Yeah! > > Kzan: Well to tell the truth I'm here to stall you or kill you which > > ever comes first Gha ha ha. Tom: I don't know about you guys, but I'm hoping for 'kill'. > Vortex: Ah this is going to be easier then shaving the cat. > > Plasmonica: What!? Mike: Our thoughts exactly, hon. > Vortex: Don't worry girl I get rid of him easy Crow: Say, isn't that Elvis over there? > **Opens a vortex to the middle of the sun Kzan dies when he falls in** Tom: Well, there's that intense, dramatic fight scene over. Whew! I am just sweating! Crow: Not as much as that guy is. > Plasmonica: How can you do that? > > Vortex: with great pain! Crow: Ah, so you're reading the story too! > **Vortex faints and the sentinel puts him in it's med lab** > > Plasmonica: Oh just great I'm alone now Crow (as Plasmonica): Yes! I finally got rid of that little jerk! > She walks toward a bus abandoned Mike (as Plasmonica): Time to get the hell _out_ of this story. > Int. Bus inside Tom: As opposed, for example, to the interior of the bus outside. > Plasmonica: All right full tank'o'gas and the keys. Tom: So who would abandon a bus with a full tank of gas and the keys in the ignition? Crow: The gods of Plot Contrivance. > She drive toward Leningrad, (Leningrad was never renamed back to > > St. Petersburg for Communism didn't fall in 1991 for Apocalypse toke it > over) Mike: What was Apocalypse toking now? Tom: Apocalypse...mutant conqueror and into high-grade weed. > Plasmonica: He's probably in Leningrad he was born there a while back. Crow: Last week, wasn't it? > Klaw: glad ya found me girl now die Tom: Boy, she must be really great at hide and seek. Crow: Not as good as he is. I mean, after the first couple of games, would you even go look for him? > **He blows up the bus but she escape by jumping out the window** Crow: This was a scene cut from 'Speed', wasn't it? > Int. Wasteland late Afternoon > > Klaw: Come on try and kill me if you dare Crow: I dare ya ta kill me! I double dog dare ya! > Plasmonica: This going to hurt me a hellova lot more than you Tom: Oh, no, it's hurting us more than you could possibly imagine... > **Charges up A flaming green ball of plasma and throws it at him** > > Klaw: ow ow ow ow ow that hurt Mike: Ow, ow, oowie, owie, oh, pain, with the stinging, and the hurting, ouch! > Plamonica: have fun?! Crow: Oh, God, yes! Please...again with the plasma! > Klaw: I'm taking you with me you....(groans) Tom: I mean to say, You're taking you with me! No, wait, um, I'm taking me with you, and you're--no, wait, I'll get it! > **Klaw blows up, Plasmonic turn in to pure plasma and flashes in a light > > particle to the sentinel** Mike: And another moment of dramatic tension is handled with all the skill and delicate brilliance of language we've come to expect from your average head-trauma victim. > Sentinel#1: Is you mission complete Designate: Plasmonica? > > Plasmonica: yes we shall return now. Mike: It's scary, but I think the Sentinel shows more depth of emotion than she does. > Sentinel#1: Affirmative. > > They cruise to The H.H.C. Mike: I think we gotta cruise, too, guys. Come on... [He picks up Tom and they all leave the theatre.] [Door sequence, played in reverse, leads them out to the SOL Bridge...but Crow isn't there.] Mike: Hey, Tom, where's Crow? I thought that you and him were going to do some more work on that comics thing. Tom: I don't know, Mike. He said he was going to go into his room to get the Storm/Magik limited series, and I haven't seen him-- [A loud thudding noise is heard on the outside of the ship.] Mike: What the--? Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine! [The iris-shaped window opens up, revealing Crow floating in space. Of course, we only see him from the waist up.] Crow: Hey, guys! Mike: Crow, what are you doing? You're supposed to be in here with us! Crow: I am! Tom: Huh? Crow: The story we're reading today liberated my formerly three-dimensional thinking. Inside, outside, it really doesn't matter to me anymore! I'm wherever I choose to be...I am one with the universe...I am Woman, Hear me Roar, and-- Mike: No, you are not! Now stop all this foolishness and come inside. Crow: Oh, alright...be just a second, I have to work my way along the ship to the airlock--and that's pretty hard to do with non-functional hands. Mike: I could put on the Manipulator arms, get you over there real quick-- Crow: NO! I mean, um, no, that's perfectly alright, Mike, thanks, I'd really rather not wind up a burnt-out cinder, crashing helplessly to the Earth like a certain telescope you expressly forbade us to mention...I'll make my own way there. [Starts going below the screen as the iris closes again.] Mike: Hmph. Bots. It's like my mom said about kids, Tom. You can't live with 'em, and shallow graves in the backyard attract the attention of the police. Tom (edging away hastily): Well, gee, that's very interesting and all, Mike, I'd love to stay and chat, but, um, I've got this, um, thing, it's-- [lights, buzzers, sirens, total chaos begin] Tom: IT'S FANFIC SIGN! [all exit bridge amidst much hullaballoo] > James Jammer, Hott Jammer, Plasma Jammer Help out at the H.H.C > > February 2, 1995 morning (Before Mike and Monica's adventure) Tom: That's really not the right term for it. Crow: Yeah, how about "boring little interlude"? > Int. H.H.C. Building > > Moira Trask: Are ye done with fire wall already > > Hott Jammer: Yes Ma'am We finished last night around 2.30 am > > Moira Trask: Up that late are ye tired? > > James Jammer: No Ma'am we slept till 6.00pm yesterday to prepare for > travel. > > Bolivar Trask: If ye be needin' food ask the guards > > James Jammer: Thanks sir. Guard 3 coffees light and sweet Mike: What do I look like, your personal valet? > Guard#1: Yes sir > > **Gives them the coffees** Tom: Yes, this guard carries coffees everywhere, just in case the guests have need of them. > Plasma Jammer: Jim this is pretty good coffee it's gotta be expensive > gourmet [all start humming the theme from "Pulp Fiction"] > James Jammer: Yeah but I'm afraid of old demon Julian hasn't put to rest Tom (singing): Old demon Julian, he just keeps rollin', he must know something, but can't say nothing, he just keeps rollin' along... > Hott Jammer: ya mean seein' somethin and wantin' ta stay here > > James Jammer: yeah he doesn't have much in our universe Tom: And goodness knows, the Age of Apocalypse is _all_ sweetness and light... > Plasma Jammer: Oh, well Mike: Ah, once again the team members show their true feelings for each other. Crow: Resigned contempt? Mike: Yep! > February 3, 1995 > > Int. H.H.C. building > > Boliver Trask: I think I found him In Apocalypse's Citadel Mike: Who? Tom: Apocalypse. I mean, sure, it's pretty obvious, but when you think about it, that's the last place you'd look for him. > James Jammer: Good once every body returns we go in for the kill Mike: And blast the author right off the face of the planet. > Moira Trask: What about Apocalypse Crow: Oh, I saw that movie! With Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss, right? > Hott Jammer: The X-men shall take care of him I believe or Weapon-X or > maybe > > Generation Next or X-Caliber. > > Plasma Jammer: Maybe we'll go to Parias World sometime > > Moira Trask: what? Tom: Pariah's World. It's a theme park where everyone avoids each other. > Hott Jammer: we go to different times and places to explore. > > Moira Trask: Sounds interesting Mike (as Moira): Maybe if I just smile and nod, they'll shut up... > Hott Jammer: It is when James died in my world in 1991 we traveled to > the > > past to save him in 1995, we live in 1996. Tom: 1995 is the past of 1991? Exactly which dating system are you using here? > Bolivar Trask: really that's the key to Immortality Crow: Living in 1996 is the key to immortality, huh? Guess we've got it made, then. > James Jammer: well not really it could help us live longer but not forever. Crow: Dang. > Moira Trask: Ye are lucky to do that > > Guard#1: Ma'am, Logan and Jean Grey are here to see you > > Moira Trask: Bolivar, Brian, Emma there here now get ye lazy butts out > there > > Now we cut to Syphon and Gothic arriving at heaven Mike: Imagine there's no Heaven, though. It's easy...if you try. Tom: I'd rather imagine there's no story. Mike: Well, hey, you've got a great start! There's already no plot, no characterization... > February 3, 1995 night > > Int. Heaven Angel's private club > > Karma: May I help you > > Syphon we're here to see Angel Mon Ami > > Karma: of course and you are? Tom: By the outfits, I'd guess strippers, but I could be wrong. Crow: Hey, no fair ripping on their costumes when we don't know what they look like! Tom: Well, that was a standard "superhero-spandex" joke. It's allowed. > Gothic: Heather McCone and Julian LeBeau > > Karma: LeBeau!? Of course right away Crow: I'll set up the ambush immediately--that is to say, I, er...heh...excuse me. > Angel walks over > > Angel: Julian your Uncle was here yesterday, he stole the good silverware. Tom: So I'm going to beat it out of your hide. > Gothic: Really that's nice where is he Mike: If I knew, I'd have my silverware again, wouldn't I? > Angel: He left for Westchester, New York > > Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami > > Angel: Just be careful you never know who is watching > > Gothic: see ya later Warren > > Angel: likewise young lady > > They leave heaven and head towards New York Till they reach the Citadel Tom: Leaving heaven and heading for New York. Boy, if that isn't a metaphor for Lucifer's fall, I don't know what is. > February 4, 1995 > > Int. Dark Beast's Lab > > Dark Beast: Salutations Julian and you lady friend behind you Tom: Boy, Syphon just knows everybody, doesn't he? Mike: Yeah, he's the Johnny Carson of the mutant world. > Gothic: my name is Heather McCone > > Syphon: Hank Mon Ami Can you help me become more powerful > > Dark Beast: Of course Young LeBeau you and Heather wish to become > > my Prelates? Crow: Er, um...not really, you know, because that involves horrible, dangerous surgery that stands a good chance of killing us, and-- > Gothic and Syphon together: Sure! Mike: We're both rock stupid! > Dark Beast: Heather lay down on the table Tom: Now put on this negligee. > **straps her down on the table cut her head open injects chemicals and > > Stitches her skull roof back on and heals her then removes the stiches** Crow: Ouch! No anaesthetic, no sterilization... Tom: Well, it's easier when there's nothing inside the skull to get in the way. > Dark Beast: Now you are Prelate-McCone has a nice ring to it wouldn't you > say. All: No. > You now can generate plasma and have a healing factor which is now a > > standard in all my Prelates. Mike: But does she have power brakes and air-conditioning? > He then does it to Syphon. Tom: OK, there's another image I won't be able to get out of my head without prescription drugs. > Dark Beast: You are now Prelate-LeBeau...no how bout Prelate-Syphon yes > you > > can now steal powers, knowledge and energy by touching the 2 major > joints > > in the head or pressure points plus healing factor and healing powers. Crow: Of course it won't work on people who have no knowledge...so don't bother using it on me. > Prelate-Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami > > Prelate-McCone: Yeah thanks DB > > Dark Beast: I want to leave this place please take me with you I'll leave > > a clone I've been working on it doesn't think it's a clone it know every I do Mike: I think Dark Beast has been dosing himself with a few too many chemicals, howbout you guys? > Prelate-Syphon: Sure > > Dark Beast: Sure I need to tattoo you two Tom: Let's see...you'll get a hula dancer, and you'll get a heart with the word 'MOM' in it. > He gives a black stripe over the left eye to Julian and Black > > Jean Grey type over the left eye for Heather Crow: She's got a woman in skintight spandex over her left eye? > They leave for Magneto's place in New York Mike: And we're leaving too...while we still can. [Mike picks up Tom and all leave theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...] [SOL Bridge. Mike is strapped down onto the counter with a sheet draped over him. Crow is standing over him with a radial saw, wearing goggles. Tom is wearing the candy striper's outfit.] Mike: Come on, guys, this isn't funny anymore. Put down the saw, and we'll just forget the whole thing ever happened. Crow: Oh, don't be such a wimp, Mike! This is your chance to gain amazing powers, like the people in today's experiment! You'll have a healing factor, and, and, and all sorts of neat stuff! And all it requires is a minute or two of agonizing pain, and the chance of permanent brain damage. Tom: Ix-nay, on the ermanent-pay ain-bray amage-day, Ow-cray. Crow: Oh, yeah, right. So anyway, ready or not, here we come! [Crow leans down with the radial saw, getting closer and closer to the wildly squirming Mike. Suddenly, Gypsy walks in. Crow hides the radial saw behind his back.] Gypsy: What are you boys doing? Crow: Oh, nothing... Mike: They were about to perform unnecessary surgery on me! And Crow's not qualified! Crow: Oh, come on, if Dark Beast could do it, it can't be that hard... Gypsy: Well, I'm not going to have to clean up any blood around here! Cut him loose this instant, boys! Crow: Awww...we never have any fun. [He leans down, and the straps come free from the side not facing Cambot, thus making it much much easier on the special effects people.] Mike (sitting up): Whew, thanks, Gypsy. Say, you mind getting my jumpsuit, it's hanging up right by the light. Gypsy: Which light? Mike: You know, the one that's flashing--FANFIC SIGN! [all run around wildly amidst the lights and sirens, Mike manages to grab the jumpsuit while still keeping the sheet draped strategically around himself...] [all enter theatre. Mike is just zipping his jumpsuit up, and tosses the sheet behind him.] Crow: I'm telling you, Mike, you missed your big chance... Mike: I'll live. > February 5, 1995 > > Int. Xavier Mansion > > Enter the Prelates and the disguised beast > > Magneto: Ah Julian you have Returned it has been three years has it not Tom: Nope. Twenty minutes. I went out to get milk, remember? > Prelate-Syphon: yes Mon Professor It been awhile > > Gambit: Julian! Mon Ami How old are you now eh? > > Prelate-Syphon: 16 uncle > > Gambit: 16 I'm 24! you 8 years younger then Gambit Tom: Gee, I didn't think Gambit could count that high. Mike: Y'know, you'd at least think that some of this guy's family and friends would have a guess at how old he is... > Prelate-McCone: Hi Mr. LeBeau > > Gambit: please Chere call me Remy > > Dark Beast: Magneto May I please use you Communication station > > Magneto: Yes > > Dark Beast: I shall return Crow: General Douglas MacArthur _is_ Dark Beast! > Blink Blinks in from the Citadel > > Blink: Julian! 3 years it's been > > Prelate-Syphon: Yes Chere it has Tom: Thank you; we hadn't had the knowledge drilled into our head quite sufficiently yet. > Prelate-McCone: Do you know everyone here > > Prelate-Syphon: Yes I do Chere well almost everybody > > Dark Beast: My Prelates are coming to help us Prelates Syphon and McCone. > > Gambit: you two are Prelates?! > > Prelate-Syphon: yeah Mon Ami I had to defeat two villains named Geneti > and > > Dark Star my clone. > > Dark Beast: Sorry about that a man named Aftermath asked me for one but > now > > you're equally matched, Mike: You know, in a normal story, a revelation like that would be the centerpiece of the scene...but no, in this, it's just a tidbit of information sandwiched in between numerous introductions and repetitions of, "How old are you now?" > But Not even En Sabah Nur could kill aftermath so > > Prelate you are in deep... > > Sabretooth walks in with Wildchild Crow: Deep Sabretooth? Ick! Tom: And now...Deep Sabretooth. By Jack Handey. > Sabretooth: Julian! my little buddy > > Wildchild: (growls with excitement) > > Prelate-Syphon: Hey Mes Amis I missed you guys > > Sabretooth: 'Scuse me gotta go let Kyle outside Crow: He's not housetrained yet. > Sabretooth leaves and comes back > > The Prelates arrive > > Dark Beast: Solder Sound off > > Prelate-Summers: Havoc here sir > > Prelate-Richards: Franklin Richards here sir > > Catalyst: Catalyst here sir > > Prelate-McCone: Heather McCone here sir > > Prelate-Syphon: Syphon is here Mon Ami Crow: Where's Pyle? PYYYYYYYYYYYLE!?!?!?! > Blink: Nice Julian. Tom: Thanks, I made it myself. > Prelate-Syphon: thanks Chere > > Magneto: Rogue and Morph, Julian has returned > > Rogue and Morph walk in Mike: Shouldn't they walk in _before_ he starts talking to them? > Rogue: Julian what you been doin' wit yo self sugah > > Morph: Julian! **Morphs in to Julian and back** sorry you don't fit right Tom: I'll have to take you back for alterations. > Prelate-Syphon: What Roguie no kiss on da check > > Rogue: It's your funeral **kisses him nothing happens** Now only if I was > > younger and wasn't married Tom: And today, on "The Hitch-Hiker"...we peer into the twisted inner fantasies of one fanboy. Is it interesting in any way, shape or form? > Magneto: HEY! > > Rogue: Jus' kiddin' sugah Mike: I wouldn't touch this greasy little punk with a ten-foot pole. > The Prelates go back to the citadel told that they were at a Prelation > > Reunion and Richards and Catalyst stayed with Prelate-Syphon and McCone > > The team left Dark Beast, the Prelates, and Gambit left for Cincinnati > where > > Geneti and Dark Star were Mike: Yes, as the narrator, I have the amazing ability to skip through large parts of the plot with a single voice-over. Unfortunately, I can't simply skip over the entire story. > February 6, 1995 > > Int. Human Concentration camp > > Gambit: where are dey Mes Amis > > Prelate-Syphon: In da headmasters quarters Mon Ami > > Catalyst: Oh great two Cajuns and me without my French dictionary Tom: Big deal, it's not like any of them actually speak French. > Gambit: SHUT UP Mon Enimi Tom: Well, it appears that Gambit doesn't speak French either. Crow: No, he speaks it, he just can't spell it. > Geneti: Lookin' fer us ya bunch a .......BRADYS!!!! Crow: No, we're the Jammers. You can tell because the youngest one doesn't have curls. > ALL: Huh!? > > Dark Star: Like lookin' in da mirror eh Julian! Mike: Well, except the mirror doesn't try to claw my eyes out and beat me senseless with a club. > Prelate-Syphon: Yep ya Grade X clone Crow: Next, we'll be testing new MirrorClones (TM) against the old Grade X clones. > **Prelate-Richard Vaporizes Dark Star** Tom: Ah, yes, and another example of the high tension and exciting drama of 'Jammers'. > Prelate-Syphon: Where he go > > Prelate-Richards: He's in Limbo > > Geneti: Well now that he gone I'm gone **diappeaes** > > Gambit: Where he go Julian? Crow: Excuse me? Do I look like his travel guide or something? > Prelate-Syphon: Limbo > > Gambit: Oh I gotta go fare well my Nephew, Henri would be proud Mon Ami > > Well, Bye Mes Amis. > > Gambit leaves > > They leave for the Sentinel Mike: That's our cue, guys. Come on, we're ditching. [Mike picks up Tom and all leave theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, leading out to SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are sitting out there, chatting.] Mike: So you say you actually had an evil twin, Crow? Crow: Yep! He was Timmy, and he was everything I was, only more powerful. He webbed Tom to the wall, but Joel--um, that's the guy who was here before you-- Mike: Yes, I know. I've only had you mention him [brings up a small notepad from underneath the counter, opens it, makes a small check-mark, then puts it away again] 72,367 times. Crow: Oh, OK. Anyways, Joel shot him into space and saved us all. Tom: But I often wonder if he isn't out there...somewhere...waiting to get his dark vengeance upon all of us, and-- [Suddenly, there is a huge commotion. A single black claw bursts out of the little hatch thingie, causing Tom to flee in panic. Timmy crawls out of the hatch, one eye missing, his body rimed with frost, an expression of malevolence on his little bowling pin. Mike reaches for a weapon, when suddenly Crow vaporizes Timmy with a glare and one of those cheesy 1960's "Star Trek phaser" effects.] Mike: My God, Crow! How did you--why did he-- Crow: Oh, I just used a little of the same energy that the people in today's experiment use to defeat incredibly powerful butt-kicking bad guys in two seconds flat. Of course, it only works on enemies you've been battling without success for two straight years, but since Timmy's been gone for awhile, I was able to tap into that power. And a lucky thing for us, too, huh, Tom? Mike: Tom? [looks around] Tom, you can come out now. Tom (off-screen, slightly muffled): Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope-- [lights, buzzers, sirens et al go off] Mike: You've got to come out, we've got FANFIC SIGN! [all exit theater amidst much hullaballoo] [SOL Theater. Crow enters normally, Mike comes in slowly, as though heaving against some mighty weight. Finally, after much work, he brings Tom in and Tom's slinky hands snap back into position.] Mike: Geez, Tom, how do you cling so well with non-functional hands? Tom: Trade secret. > February 7, 1995 > > Int. Sentinel#2 inside lounge > > Sentinel#2: you return to Eurasia now Jammers > > Prelate-Syphon: Yes. > > Sentinal#2: Confirmed > > They leave for the H.H.C. > > February 9, 1995 Mike: It took them two days? > Int. H.H.C. Building > > James Jammer: we are now all here 'cept we got Dark Beast and his > Prelates > > Hott Jammer: We shall leave tonight > > Plasma Jammer: We shall be victorious Tom (in Dalek voice): WE SHALL EXTERMINATE THE LESSER RACES! EXTERMINATE! EXERMINATE! > They leave for the Citadel > > February 11, 1995 > > Int. Apocalypse's Armageddon Hall > > Dark Beast and Apocalypse talk briefly Tom (in Valley Girl voice): So, I told him I wasn't going to go to the party, and so he said, Well, I'll just go with Cindi, then, and I could have just _died_! > Apocalypse: What do you want McCoy Crow: I gave at the office. Dangit, Janice, I thought I told you to screen these people! > Dark Beast: En Sabah Nur we with for the whereabouts of a Mutant > > named Aftermath. Mike: Could you try saying that again in English, please? > Apocalypse: He is in what is left of Baton Rogue, Louisiana now leave > > me I must find the location of the X-Men they are nothing but a > > serious bother. Crow (in Marvin the Martian voice): Oh, those dratted X-Men. They're just so pesky. I might have to get seriously vexed about them soon. > And on your way out tell Rex to send in > > SugarMan and Quietus. > > Dark Beast: Thank you my lord > > He leaves > > Int. Sentinel lounge > > Dark Beast: He's in what is left of Louisiana > > Catalyst: I have reconfigured the engine to run at 3,000 MPH Crow: Of course, atmospheric friction will reduce us to a deep-fried crispy critter in seconds, but we'll get there really darned fast! > Dark Beast: Prelates and Jammers we shall leave for Baton Rogue > immediately > > James Jammer: all right Jammers and Prelates Our hour of glory is almost > > upon we must unite and destroy are enemy. > > Plasma Jammer: Jammers I've trained you to be the greatest heroes the > world > > has every seen well it seems there are better but today I want you to > prove > > me wrong Mike: That's right, I want you to _prove_ that you suck rocks! > If we win it'll prove to me that yer the best these is or was and > > I'll be the happiest trainer in the world. Tom: Y'know, I get the feeling that English isn't this guy's first language. > Catalyst: ETA 1 hour > > 1 hour later > > Int. Baton Rogue Ruins Night Crow: Extry, extry, read all about it! Baton-wielding Rogue ruins entire night! Millions stunned by shocking news! > Aftermath: Ah welcome to my paradise now DIE! Mike: He's not exactly the most gracious of hosts, is he? Crow: Well, last time they came, they used all the clean towels. > Dark Beast: My Prelates and I will not stand for such Chaos > > James Jammer: My Jammers and I Will not Stand for the deeds done against > > humanity. > > Hott Jammers: Aftermath we meet again for the last time. > > Vortex: You nearly killed me last time I won't give you a second chance. > > Plasmonica: You kill my family, you hurt my friends, allow me to return > > the favor. Crow: Could you, um, just point out your family and friends to me? > Plasma Jammer: you kill my students, you drain half my powers, we've > avenged > > the poor souls, now I shall regain the power you took from me. > > Dark Beast: to quote Billie Joe Armstrong "I don't you but I think I hate > you" Tom: To quote Kate Orman, "Individually, the above words mean something. But together..." > Aftermath: After two years it begins Tom: This story's been going on for two years? Mike: Yeah, but it seems like longer. > **a eerie glow emits from Aftermath They suddenly find themselves in > another > > Dimention** > > James Jammer: Where have you taken us Tom (in Rod Serling voice): To another dimension. A dimension of sight...a dimension of sound...a dimension of mindlessness. You've now entered...the Boring Zone. > Aftermath: A place where if you win you go free, If I win I go free. > > Prelate-Syphon: Death to all then eh? Mon Enimi > > Aftermath: Yes you killed me last time I'm lucky Geneti was there to > revive > > me. **Charges up an Omega Blast Tom: Darkseid? > toward Prelate-Syphon his back is on fire** > > Prelate-Syphon: Argh!!! **he heals up instantly and uses preabsorbed > powers > > from Gambit. Jumps on Aftermath and charges his helmet it explodes and > takes > > out his force field** Crow: Not to mention his skull. > Aftermath: finally I didn't expect that Crow: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! > Hott Jammer: Well then congrats now take this **Flares Aftermath's > costume** Mike: Oh, God, he's got bell-bottoms! > Plasmonica: Here let me put that out **Raises the plasma level > > around Aftermath the fire blazes green** > > Aftermath: Ahhhhhhh!!!! **Blasts of energy shoot every body** > > Prelate-Richards: If I do this it should work > > **Prelate-Richards and Aftermath glow Lightning surges between them** > > Aftermath: (Panting) Is that the best you can do. > > Apocalypse teleports in with Mikhail Rasputan. Tom: Ah, it's the deus ex machina. You know, from the Greek, "Deus: Irritating" and "ex machina: plot contrivance"? > Apocalypse: McCoy I have come to help you with this monstrosity he > > could destroy me > > Mikhail: You Insidious creature you shall die by my hand Crow: Better than dying by other parts of him... > Apocalypse: DIE! **rips Aftermath's armor off** Mike: Oh, wonderful...death by pantsing. > Aftermath: Now all I have is spandex for clothing "sigh" > > Mikhail: Take this **rips Aftermath's head off and eats it** Mike: Apparently, Mikhail can unhinge his jaw. > Do what you want to the body. Tom: OK, who else never wants to think about what that comment implies? [Both raise their hands rapidly] > Vortex: Here! **opens a portal to limbo as Aftermath's head grows back** Tom: His head does _what_? Crow: So they just left him sitting by the portal? > James Jammer: It is done then Tom: But--but his head grew back, and, and... Mike: Shh! If they say the story's over, I'm not going to argue with them! > They teleport to the Citadel with the Sentinel > > James Jammer: Thank you En Sabah Nur Tom: For making us laugh at love...again. > Apocalypse: You are welcome now leave me I must retaliate Crow: Against who? The dead guy? > They leave for the Sentinel > > February 12, 1995 > > Sentinel#1: We return now > > Prelate-Syphon: Yes > > Sentinel#1: Confirmed > > James Jammer: Julian what are you and Heather gonna do Tom: Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? > Prelate-McCone: join the Prelates > > Prelate-Syphon: I sorry Mon Ami It somthin' I gotta do > > James Jammer: I know Julian, I just hope you know what your doing Crow: Hah! Faint hope, there. > Prelate-Syphon: Course Mon Ami > > Dark Beast: Prelate-Syphon I have finished the dimensional portal > generator > > It's now implanted in Catalyst. Tom: Sure, I had to remove a lung to make room for the battery, but he really doesn't seem to mind! > Prelate-Syphon: Good we go some where den eh? Mike: Yes, Sherlock, we go somewhere. > Dark Beast: Yes probably to Parias world after a quick stop in a > dimensional > > storage center Crow: Let's see, we need eggs, milk--do we have any peanut butter left? > Prelate-Syphon: Sure Mon Ami > > Prelate-Syphon goes to see the Jammers > > Hott Jammer: so Julian what you donin' about the team > > Prelate-Syphon: Me an' Heather are joinin' da Prelates bye Mes Amis > > The Prelates and Dark Beast teleport out to a dimensional store room Crow: Woooooo hoo! Party on, guys! They're gone! > February 13, 1995 > > Int. H.H.C. > > Moira Trask: He left with the Prelates did he. > > James Jammer: yes ma'am > > Bolivar Trask: well thanks fer the help > > Vortex: **opens a vortex to their world** Well we gotta go > > They say their good-bye and jump through Tom: Great...it's 'Sliders' meets 'X-Men'. > October 9, 1996 > > Int. Jammer Base > > James Jammer: He's gone > > Hott Jammer: Yep I'm Gonna miss the Cajun (imitating Julian) "Hey Mes > Amis > > look at da TV Tommy Boy is on" God I'm gonna miss that. Mike: I'm seriously into masochism. > Vortex: hey what's this **points at TV** Crow: It's a television set. You know, the magic demons that move in the glass box--didn't we go over this already? > Plasmonica: It's Julian Crow: But why is he wearing a bikini? > Trish Tilby: (on TV) A group of mutants today sabotaged the > > Russian Space Station MIR as seen here in this file footage > > Prelate-Syphon appears > > Plasma Jammer: Your evil!? > > Prelate-Syphon: Yeah we still friends Mes Amis > > James Jammer: Always Mike: Sure, you're a psychopathic villain...but why does that mean we can't be friends? > Prelate-Syphon: Now den Mes Amis I on vacation let's macarena! > > Hott Jammer: Oh No, I take that back, this is punishment for something > isn't > > it? > > Prelate-Syphon: Yep **turns on the Macarena** > > THE END Mike: Quick, guys, let's make a run for it! [He picks up Tom and they all leave the theatre at a very rapid pace. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...] [SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are huddled together, sobbing.] Crow: And--and then they started doing the macarena... Tom: Yes, Crow, let it all out, don't hold back... Crow: It was just so bad...even if it was a non-English speaker, which is entirely possible given the utter lack of anything approaching a grasp of the English language, the plot was still so horribly constructed, and the pacing was abyssmal, and that characters were nothing but a collection of random 'super-hero sounding names', and...and...and... Mike: And let's not forget Dark Beast, the malevolent genius who sounds like he's been stricken with Tourette's Syndrome. Tom: Yep, guys, this has undoubtedly been the worst story, movie, or what-have-you we have ever done. I just thank God it's over, huh? Mike: Amen to that. Oh, hey, the mads are calling. [Presses flashing red light.] [Deep 13. Dr. F is standing there with a malevolent leer on his face, rubbing his hands together and cackling madly. In the background, there is now a sheet over TV's Frank and the bed he was lying on.] Dr. F: Oh....muahahahahaha...oh, this is just too perfect...heeheeheeheehee... there's...heheheheheheheh...there's MORE OF THE FANFIC! [SOL Bridge] All: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! [Deep 13] Dr. F: Yes, my little toerags, more! You've thrilled to the story, now prepare for the...CHARACTER PROFILES! [He pulls a big lever that has never been there before, and never will be again.] [SOL Bridge. Lights are flashing, sirens are sounding...] Mike: Forget it, I'm not moving. Tom: But--but Mike, we've got to! Mike: And wind up seeing more of that? No thanks, amigo. I'll just stay out here, and pretend it's not happening. Crow: We can't do that, Mike! Mike: Why not? Tom: Well, think of the precedent it'd set! I mean, if we don't do this fanfic, what's to stop us from not doing the next, or the next, or the next? And then... Mike: Yeah? Come up with a single downside to this. Crow: If we don't keep giving Dr. Forrester data, he'll lose funding, be forced to stop his experiments, and he'll cut off your oxygen. Mike: Come on, guys, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!!! [All run into theater amidst much hullaballoo] Mike: OK, guys, buck up, we can get through this... > Dark Beast and the Prelate-Syphon and McCone's Stats > > __________________________________________________________ > ___________________ > Dark Beast > > Biographical Data > > Real Name: Henry "Hank" McCoy > Other Current Aliases: Master Patch > Dual Identity: Public > Current Occupation: Leader of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants > Former Occupation: Genetic Engineer > Legal Status: Crimes against humanity Tom: Yes, he is a crime against humanity. > Place of Birth: Unknown > Martial Status: single > Known Relatives: none > Known Confidants: Prelate-Syphon, Prelate-McCone > Known Allies: Sugar Man > Major Enemies: Apocalypse, Holocaust, Sinister > Usual Base of Operations: The Lab > Former Bases of Operation: The Citadel Crow: Beast is seriously into that whole 'generic building' thing, isn't he? > Current Group Membership: Brotherhood of Evil Mutants > Former Group Membership: Factor-X > Extent of Education: Masters Tom: Their chief genetic engineer doesn't even have a PhD? Scary. > Physical Description > > Height: 6'2 > Weight: 225 lbs. > Hair: Blue or Grey (depending on certain factors) Crow: The cost of full-body dye treatments, for example. > Other Distinguishing Marks: Blue or Grey Fur, 2 Earrings in the right ear Mike: Now was it the right ear meant you were....you know? > Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7 > > Intelligence: Omniscient 7 Tom: Yes, he's omniscient, but has only a minimal command of the English language. Mike: Well, that's what happens when you have a character smarter than the writer. Tom: Field mice are smarter than this writer. > Strength: Mutant Strength 5 > Speed: Marathon Runner 3 > Endurance: 9 miles running 5 > Durability: Heavy Weight Champion 5 > Agility: Mutant Agility 6 > Reflexes: Mutant Reflexes 6 > Fighting Skills: Excellent in pummeling techniques > Special skills and abilities: His genetic mastery is stifling Mike: Um, yeah, sure. Crow: Help! Help! I'm being smothered by the genetic mastery! > Superhuman Abilities: Agility- A talented acrobat, Dexterity-hands and > feet can grip almost anything, Strength-well above normal > Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Experimental Serum (Fur) Mike: He got his powers from fur? > Paraphernalia > > Costume specifications: Synthetic stretchable Titanium pants Crow: OK, I don't think we need to hear any more on this subject... > with > Connected titanium boots > Personal weaponry: Plasma Assault Rifle, Plasma Gun > Special weaponry: None > Other Accessories: None > Transportation: nothing permanent Tom: Dark Beast, inventor of the disposable car! > Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (Pants) Sinister (Design) > Prelate-McCone (Manufacturing) > > Quotes about multiple topics > > On about Genetic manipulation, > My task is to Genetically Amplify the powers of Homo Superior deemed > unfit for the cause....And I do love my Work. Certainly, I'm well > Compensated for my labors but just between you and > me......I'd do this for free > > On being cheated at poker, > Lady and Gentlemen, We've been snookered, Duped, Bamboozled, we've had > the wool pulled over our eyes...we've been hooked, lined, sunk, and > otherwise Mutilated by one of our own. In the Parlance of the game.. > We've been Hustled! > > Favorite good-bye line to someone about to die, > Indeed...To a land of dreams and schemes! Ta-ta twinkle toes, > Give my Regards to Ragnarok! > > About his former job and Cyclops of AOA > The Prisoners... They Rebelled I thought I was the God-King of their world... > But I was Blinded by Pride and in the land of the blind...The one eyed man is > King! Crow: Whew...a few shining moments of decent writing! Tom: Yeah, but now we have to go back to this stuff. [Crow sobs] > __________________________________________________________ > ____________________ > Prelate-Syphon > > Biographical Data > > Real Name: Julian LeBeau > Other Current Aliases: Syphon > Dual Identity: Secret Mike (singing): You'll never guess My Secret Identity...who's on the inside...hiding out...[both bots look over at Mike, then edge away a little] > Current Occupation: Prelation > Former Occupation: Thief > Legal Status: Thievery, Crimes against humanity > Place of Birth: New Orleans, Louisiana > Martial Status: Single > Known Relatives: Remy LeBeau (Uncle) Henri LeBeau (Father) > Known Confidants: Prelate-McCone, James Jammer, Dark Beast, Vortex > Known Allies: The Jammers (former) > Major Enemies: Aftermath, Dark Star, Geneti > Usual Base of Operations: The Lab > Former Bases of Operation: The Jammer Base > Current Group Membership: Brotherhood of Evil Mutants > Former Group Memberships: The Jammers, Night Enforcers Crow: Night Enforcers? How do you enforce the night, exactly? "Hey! You! Sun! You're not supposed to be coming up yet! Who says? We do...the Night Enforcers!" > Extent of Education: High School Junior (tutored by Dark Beast) Tom: Ah, so Dark Beast taught him everything he knew. > Physical Description > > Height: 6'2 > Weight: 175 lbs. > Hair: Brown > Other Distinguishing Marks: 1 Earring the Left ear, Black stripe tattoo over > left eye > > Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7 > > Intelligence: Straight-A Student 3 > Strength: Athletic 3 > Speed: Athlete 3 > Endurance: 2 miles running 3 > Durability: Invulnerable 7 > Agility: circus Acrobat 3 > Reflexes: Superhuman 4 > Fighting Skills: Excellent in hand-to-hand combatant, utilizing > streetfighting techniques and acrobatics > Special skills and abilities: Bilingual in French and English > Superhuman Abilities: Able to steal knowledge, powers, energy. Increased > Pheromones and a internal and external force healing factor > Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Genetic Engineering > > Paraphernalia > > Costume specifications: Black Synthetic Titanium Stretchable body suit > with > Black Beret Crow: Once again, we see Dark Beast's penchant for outfitting teenage boys in skintight black outfits... > Personal weaponry: Plasma Gun > Special weaponry: None > Other Accessories: None > Transportation: nothing permanent > Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (Suit) Catalyst (Design) > Prelate McCone (Manufacturing) > > Quotes on Multiple topics > > On girls > Dey nice, dey can be mean Mon Ami, but dey sure are fun Mike: Boy, bet Confucious was sorry he missed that one, huh? > On playin poker with Catalyst > Been playin' da game Friday nights since I was 7 and finally some > challenge Tom: That is just so dysfunctional it's scary. > On eating during class > If I gotta sit here an' be bored I ain't gonna do it on a empty stomach > __________________________________________________________ > ____________________ > Prelate-McCone > > Biographical Data > > Real Name: Heather McCone > Other Current Aliases: Gothic > Dual Identity: Secret > Current Occupation: Prelation > Former Occupation: Jammer > Legal Status: Crimes against humanity > Place of Birth: Salem Center, New York > Martial Status: Single > Known Relatives: None Known > Known Confidants: Prelate-Syphon, Dark Beast, Plasmonica > Known Allies: Jammers (former) > Major Enemies: None Known > Usual Base of Operations: The Lab > Former Bases of Operation: Jammer Base > Current Group Membership: The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants > Former Group Memberships: Jammers > Extent of Education: Height School Junior (tutored by Dark Beast) Tom: What do you learn at 'Height School', exactly? Mike: Posture tips, I think. > Physical Description > > Height: 5'6 Tom: But it was only 5'3" before she went to Height School. > Weight: 105 lbs. > Hair: Red > Other Distinguishing Marks: tattoo of a back wards C over left eye > > Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7 > > Intelligence: Straight-A Student 3 > Strength: Athlete > Speed: Normal Human 2 > Endurance: Normal Human 2 > Durability: Athlete 3 > Agility: Catlike Agility 5 > Reflexes: Athlete 3 > Fighting Skills: Steetfighting > Special skills and abilities: costume manufacturing > Superhuman Abilities: metal manipulation (rarely used because of it's > considered > useless except for costumes) Crow: Yeah, Magneto's nothing more than a glorified fashion designer. > Plasma bursts and Healing factor > Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Genetic Engineering > > Paraphernalia > > Costume specifications: Black Synthetic Titanium Stretchable body suit > with > Black Beret > Personal weaponry: Plasma Gun > Special weaponry: None > Other Accessories: None > Transportation: Nothing Permanent > Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (suit and beret) Catalyst (Design) > Prelate-McCone (Manufacturing) > > Quotes on Multiple topics > > On Prelate-Syphon > He's cute, handsome, and full of it Tom: On that, we agree. > On school > Help please someone I gonna go crazy if I hear one more thing about > Trigonometry > > On guys > If only McCoy would alter them to become our slaves Tom: So all in all, the story is about a bunch of teenagers into S&M, lots of introductions, and a main character who thinks "Tommy Boy" is fine art? Mike: Yep...pretty much. Crow: Let's get out of here before I vomit. [All exit theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...] [SOL Bridge. Mike is standing there wearing boxing gloves, trunks, and a satin robe. His arms are up in that whole 'Rocky' victory pose, and the bots are standing next to him, cheering him on.] Mike (in Stallone voice): Uh, yo, I'd just like to thank my bots here, for giving me the support I needed to defeat this story. And now, I'd like to read a letter. [Reaches for envelope lying on counter.] (in normal voice) Oh, shoot...can't grip it with these gloves on. One of you guys wanna grab it? Crow: Us? Tom (wiggling arms helplessly): As in Crow or myself? Mike: Well, maybe Gypsy...oh, forget it. [Red light starts flashing] Look, the mads are calling. [Taps light with boxing glove.] Yes, sirs? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Oh, you think you've won, Smedley, but you haven't seen anything yet...I'll dig deeper, I'll find worse stories... [Frank walks on. The bed still has a figure in it with a sheet draped over said figure.] Frank: And I'll be with you every step of the way, Steve. Dr. F: Oh, great, Frank...listen, why don't you--[looks at Frank, then over at the bed...] Um...[looks at Frank and the bed again]...why don't you push the button, Frank? I have something I need to check out. [Dr. F walks over to the bed and begins to lift the sheet as Frank pushes the button.] Pwoosh! Dr. F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH! Jammers was MiSTed by John "Omega" Seavey. All of the riffs, gags, and host segments were created by him. [loud screams and crunching noises are heard] However, the characters and settings of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are the creation of Best Brains, Inc., who are very cool and understanding about the whole thing, and who hopefully have no intention of suing. [Frank is shouting, "My God, no!"] The original story being MiSTed is by Prelate-Syphon, whoever he is in real life; no actual hatred is meant for him by this admittedly harsh MiSTing--it's all in good fun, although in all seriousness, don't give up your day job just yet. [A gurgling death rattle can be heard.] Filmed in Shadowramma, keep circulating the tapes, thanks to the Teachers of America (especially my dad). [A final shriek is cut off abruptly by a hissing growl.] > Hott Jammer: Yep I'm Gonna miss the Cajun (imitating Julian) "Hey Mes > Amis > > look at da TV Tommy Boy is on" God I'm gonna miss that.