From: bi...@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) Subject: MiSTed - I Swear! Everything on TV is Geared to Feminizing Males! (0/2) Date: 1998/09/07 Message-ID: <6t04jb$dpq$1@tsunami.traveller.com> X-Deja-AN: 388632323 Organization: 57776 Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k.mstings,alt.fan.mst3k [SOL - The bridge is dark, but we can see Mike, Crow & Gypsy in the background standing behind game show podiums. Suddenly, Tom pops up in front of the camera.] SERVO: [monotone] Hello, I'm Tom Servo. And today, I'm putting my entire underwear collection on the line. So if you think you're quick enough, smart enough, and if you think you've got the guts - you can - *Win Tom Servo's Undies*!!! [Classical music swells in the background. Tom begins leaping about the stage.] MAGIC VOICE: And now, here he is, the bot with *literally* more boxers than the law allows - TOM SERVO! [Tom stops gadding about] SERVO: [monotone] If you're wondering how we eat and breathe, and other science facts, just repeat to yourself, it's just a show where you can win ALL 5000 PAIR OF MY UNDERWEAR!! [Buzzer dings. Somewhere a dog barks]. Now let's meet the Jim Stafford to my Ben Murphy - *Magic Voice*. [Loud applause. Buzzer dings. Somewhere a dog barks] MV: Thank you Tom Servo. Now, let us our contestants - First, she maintains the higher functions board the ship - Gypsy! GYPSY: Hello! MV: Next, a temp worker and part-time guinea pig - Mike Nelson! MIKE: Hi there. MV: And finally, bon vivant and bot about town - Crow T. Robot CROW: I'm different. MIKE: You've already said that. SERVO: Thank you, Magic Voice, and now let's see the categories for round one. MV: They are - "Girl, You'll Be Wyoming Soon"; "The Boxers or Briefs Rebellion"; "This is Where the Fish *Really* Lives"; "Seven of Nine, Half a Dozen of the Other"; and "Offer Void in Your Area". SERVO: Contestants, you now have a chance to win up to 5000 pairs of genuine Tom Servo Underwear. The toss-up questions are worth fif- MIKE: [Buzzes in. Somewhere, a dog goes nuts] Um, Tom? SERVO: Mr. Nelson, we haven't started the questions yet. MIKE: I know, but I was just wondering - what about all the other prizes? SERVO: There are no other prizes, Mr. Nelson. CROW: Wha-?!? Hey, hold on there, Sparky! You said you'd hook me up with a platinum-plated RAM chip dispenser if I won! MIKE: You mentioned something to me about an all-expenses paid trip to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Photo Shoot SERVO: I'm sorry, we're fresh out of those, but take heart, common contestants - you can still win all *5000 Pairs of My Undies*! [Buzzer dings. Somewhere a dog barks] GYPSY: No director's edition "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" boxed set collection? CROW: No ultra-cool Software patches and upgrades? MIKE: No romantic moonlight dinner with Emme and Rebecca Romijn? SERVO: No, but - CROW: Oh, the old "bait & switch", eh?! SERVO: Now, wait, don't forget that you still have the opportunity to Win Tom Servo's Undies! [Buzzer dings. Somewhere a dog is frantic] MIKE: I see, heh heh heh - GET HIM!!! SERVO: Eeeep! [Servo rushes off stage, followed by Mike, Crow & Gypsy. The light begins to flash.] MIKE: [rushing back on] We'll be right back. [Mike hits commercial sign. Fade to the meatball as the buzzer dings continuously. Somewhere, a dog barks insanely] COMMERCIALS: [Propecia, Annoying Long Distance, Psychics, Sliders and Jethro for Xerox] [SOL - Mike, Gypsy and Crow have Tom cornered] SERVO: [Still in Ben Stein mode] So you see, none of you were in any danger of actually *winning* any of my underwear - I had it rigged so you couldn't. GYPSY: But what about the other prizes. MIKE: Yeah, I mean, the other stuff sounded fabulous, so we decided we'd just suffer through the undies part to get to it. SERVO: So are you saying the lot of you consider my collection of underwear unworthy of your pursuit? CROW: *I'm* saying that unless we see something besides your "Home of the Whopper" briefs pronto, I'll show you the *true* meaning of futility-dot-com, bucko! [Lights begin to flash] MIKE: Wait, hold on, looks like our next category is "A Pearl and her Minions are soon Evil" [CASTLE FORRESTER - the interior is filled with water, waist deep. Pearl & Observer, are thoroughly soaked, and standing in front of yet another supposedly intimidating device. Observer has a shower cap over his brain.] OBSERVER: I knew this was a terrible idea! PEARL: It's *not* a terrible idea, it just needs a little fine tuning! OBSERVER: I'm soaked, the entire castle smells like herring, and my beautiful beautiful brain is in danger of developing chilblains! PEARL: Y'know, for an omnipotent uber-being, you're the biggest feeb I've ever - oh, hey Nelshmoe. Guess you're wondering about the water, huh? OBSERVER: Heaven knows *I* am! PEARL: Can it, Space Ghost! See, I was watching some classic tube the other night, when suddenly, it hit me! An inspiration, directly from one of my personal heroes and role models! [SOL] MIKE: Princess Di? CROW: Gloria Reubens? GYPSY: Richard Basehardt? SERVO: Bueller? Bueller? [CF] PEARL: No, you ninnies - my idol and old college professor, Simon Bar Sinister! [SOL] MIKE: Um, you mean the sawed-off little villain from "Underdog"? [CF] PEARL: [Proudly] The same! See, Simon had this doohickey that let him steal all the water in the world and stuff it into little glasses. I figure if he can do it, I can, too - and I won't have no stinking superhero come around and try to stop me! Muahaha- OBSERVER: Of course, as you plainly see, the plan seems to have suffered something of a setback. PEARL: Hey, it's a *very* minor one, okay! See, I tried to nab the Caspian Sea, but something went blooey, and it kind of overflowed the glass a wee bit, and... [Suddenly, Bobo, wearing a snorkel, rises from beneath the surface, bearing what looks like a spigot connected to a hot plate] BOBO: Here's your problem, Lawgiver - your aquatic compressor coil's shot all to heck and gone. PEARL: Well, let's replace it and get on with it! BOBO: Well, it's not that simple. See, this is a model CC-204, the "Catalina", but they stopped making those a few year back. All the your current stock's gonna be the newer model SF-911, the "Devilfish", which just won't fit the current remodulator. Gonna have to back order this. Might take 3, 4 weeks to- PEARL: [Grabs Bobo and yells into his snorkel] Listen, Bubba, you get me my coil in an hour, or you sleep with the fishes - got it?!? BOBO: Ooh ahh! You got it, Ms Lawgiver, ma'am! [backstrokes away] PEARL: Well, we've got some time to kill, Nelson, so why don't I torture you a little in the meantime? Your experiment today is so evil even *I* don't like it! It's about how women in general are responsible for the decline of civilization or some such crap, so feel free to be as rough on it as it's gonna be on you! Brainster? [Observer does the thing he does. As Pearl waves, a shark fin swims between her and Observer] PEARL: Hogan! My pet shark Hogan got loose! OBSERVER: [a la "Devil Fish" guy] I KNOOOOOOOOW!!!! PEARL: Oh, stop that! [SOL] [Lights flash] ALL: YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! WE GOT NET.NUT SIGN!!!! [Chaos, etc] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o CROW: This one sounds rough! SERVO: [Still in Ben Stein mode] Just use Relax-o-vision. MIKE: Okay, enough with the Ben Stein ambience, Tom. >Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 09:31:03 -0700 (PDT) >Message-ID: <1997081016...@sirius.infonex.com> SERVO: I guess this is *sirius* business, heh heh heh. CROW: That's it - let's kill him now! MIKE: No, wait, that's what he wants - make him stay here and read this with us, instead. SERVO: Drat! >From: Mix SERVO: Yo yo yo, another phunky phresh phat phlavor phrom MC DJ Grand Mixmaster Remail! CROW: Still, it's pretty good graphics for a camera obscura. >Comments: This message did not originate from the address above. SERVO: It suddenly and mysteriously appeared out of the mist. > It was >remailed by an anonymous remailing service. If you have questions or >complaints, please direct them to MIKE: [feigns writing] Complaints... at... remail... obscura... SERVO: *Dot* obscura. MIKE: Dot obscura... dot com - got it. >Subject: I Swear! SERVO: [singing] By the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there! > Everything on TV is Geared to Feminizing Males (29k) MIKE: I thought everything on TV was geared towards making males look stupid, violent, and/or immature. >Newsgroups: alt.tv.saved-by-the-bell, CROW: For all you "Screech" fans > alt.tv.simpsons, SERVO: D'OH!!! > alt.tv.sitcom, >alt.tv.talkshows.daytime,alt.tv.talkshows.late, MIKE: alt.tv.talkshows.glut.surfeit.enough_already! > alt.tv.x-files CROW: The crap is in here. >Mail-To-News-Contact: postm...@nym.alias.net >Organization: mail...@nym.alias.net >Lines: 628 CROW: Ouch! MIKE: Just long enough to be completely irritating, but too short to shrug off. SERVO: Where does she *find* these things?!? CROW: I dunno, but I vote we send Mike there to blow it up! MIKE: Yeah, we - hey!! >Status: N CROW: Oh, it's so true! > >If you have ever wondered why we are living in a mixed-up, >upside-down society, well, here is your answer! MIKE: It because me am Bizarro Mike #1. > >Phil Donahue, when he had his TV talk show, would frequently >ask, "What's this world coming to?" SERVO: A point in space approximately 4.3 light-years from Promixa Centauri. I mean - Duh! > >It's interesting to note that with the exception of Jerry >Springer, Phil Donahue was the most feminized male personality >on television. CROW: Jerry Springer and Phil Donahue star in "The NEW Bosom Buddies", the new hit comedy this fall... on the dubba-dubba-WB! > >What the world is coming to is one which is defined by FEMALE >TRAITS!! MIKE: Caring? SERVO: Empathy? CROW: Strapless Evening Gowns? > >That's right. What we are seeing is a world dominated by >females calling the shots about the direction of society. MIKE: Well, that's because the males won't stop and ask directions. > >Females are psychologically dominant while males are psycho- >logically recessive. CROW: At least according to the curriculum at Earl Ed's College o'Humanities and Small Engine Repair. > >Females have been imposing their traits upon the males thereby >feminizing the males! Bear in mind that feminization does not >necessarily mean a change in SERVO: Underwear! MIKE: Still obsessive, are we? SERVO: It's not an obsession, Mike - it's a mission! > sexual orientation nor effeminate >behavior, although it can involve these phenomena. ALL: Doot-*doooo*-doot-doodoot! > What it >does always mean is the males' assuming the mentalities/person- >alities of the females and subservience to females. MIKE: Well, nice to know the world of the future will be populated entirely by Tanya Hardings and RuPauls. SERVO: All busily playing B&D games. > >My position is that feminism, the loss of control by males over >their liberated females, the feminization of the males, and the >abdication of gender sovereignty CROW: Isn't "Abdication of Gender Sovereignty" one of those obscure congressional powers in the Constitution, like granting Letters of Marque and Reprisal? > on the part of the males are >responsible for each and every social problem which the United >States is currently suffering. MIKE: And to think it all started with J. Edgar Hoover and a simple gingham-print sundress. > >The following included past USENET postings will offer illumination >on the problem. CROW: Let's all thank our host for his generous help. [All do the Bronx Cheer?] > > > *-*-* First included USENET posting starts here -*-*- MIKE: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here! > >There was a cover story carried by a major national news magazine, >_Time_, I think, about a couple of years ago. SERVO: Yeah I saw that - something about the government or something. > The word, "LIES," >was as big and bold on the cover as it could be CROW: Proving that even the media occasionally has to abide by "truth in advertising" laws. > with a picture of >a face with far more expression than "The Screamer." SERVO: The special "All-Gilbert Gottfried" issue. > It reported >that lies have taken over the U.S. as a major cultural aspect of >our way of life. MIKE: [Jon Lovitz] Not according to my wife, uhhhhh, Morgan Fairchild! Yeah, that's the ticket! > >Why? CROW: Marketing majors? > >Well, very simply stated, lying is a trait associated primarily >with females, MIKE: It is? SERVO: Sure - every liar had a mother, and all the mothers were women, therefore, lying is a female trait > and since females are dominant psychologically and >males are recessive, we find the males of this country taking on >the mental/personality traits of the females, CROW: Mainly in some of the kinkier portions of the alt.sex hierarchy > this being a major, >serious side effect of government enforced equality. MIKE: Until now, we had no idea the 19th Amendment caused gender dysphoria. SERVO: To Susan B. Anthony, Thanks for Everything, Renee Richards! > >A simple situation is sales. CROW & SERVO: Hired! He's Hired! > If a saleswoman starts lying (and/or >prostituting) to improve her sales performance, then this will >give her a competitive edge in her field, albeit an underhanded one. SERVO: Does the concept of trading sexual favors for Tupperware seem ridiculous, or is it just me? CROW: Actually, it's both. SERVO: Grr-r-r-r-r-r!!!!! >If a salesman wishes to continue to hold his own against the female >competition, then he has to resort to similar underhanded tactics. CROW: Though he generally looks pretty silly in stilettos and a push-up bra > >One example of a common female lie is that the liberated female >wants a strong man who is secure in his masculinity and who is >accepting of the strong minded liberated female. SERVO: I mean, c'mon - what woman would want *that*?!? > Not so at all! >What the liberated female wants is a pusillanimous male CROW: Oh look, his thesaurus has "pusillanimous" in it, how nice. SERVO: The only people who ever use that words like that are William F. Buckley, Spiro Agnew, and Dr. Zachary Smith! > who will >be submissively subservient to the liberated female who wants to >be free to call her own shots and his as well. She wants total MIKE: ...as a part of this nutritious and feminist breakfast. >freedom to remold him in her whacked-out notion of what she >considers to be manliness. MIKE: [Basso] So if I wear this cantaloupe-rind sports jacket and paint my face neon blue, it'll make me seem more masculine? CROW: [Falsetto] And don't forget the Packers helmet. MIKE: Yes, dear. > >Another example is that females say that males are not accepting >of brainy females. Not true! This is merely projection of the >females' own mindset to the males. MIKE: Yes, all women have the power to hypnotize any man at will. SERVO: And tell them to SLEEEEEEEEP!!! CROW: I knew that would happen! > It is the female manager who >is highly intolerant of having smarter, more capable male >subordinates in her work group. CROW: Ma'am, I don't think that thing on your PC is a coffee cup holder. SERVO: [falsetto] Oh, a smarty-pants, huh? OUT!! OUT!!!!! > She will rid the environment of >these males at her earliest possible convenience because she is >too threatened by them. CROW: [falsetto] Yes, Jim, just go look in that open elevator shaft - that's right, bend wa-a-a-ay over... > Then, of course, the female manager will >lie and slander to high heaven to cover her tracks and what she >has done. SERVO: [Tonto] Female Manager tracks- two, three days old. > >These days, with males taking on female attributes, it is becoming MIKE: Confusing and dangerous to ask anyone on a date! SERVO: Speaking from a little personal experience, eh, Mikey? MIKE: Let's just say "The Crying Game" hit a little too close to home! >a common practice to reject job applicants who score too highly on >screening tests. SERVO: I'm the best and the brightest! MIKE: I'm sorry, we're looking for mediocre and slightly dimwitted. > Then the lie offered is that the rejection is for >the good of the applicant and employer alike because the applicant >is too smart to feel challenged by a job for which he is over- >qualified. CROW: Yes, and how do you feel your Ph.D. will help you in this job, sir? MIKE: I can make it into a paper hat to wear while flipping the Big Macs. > >Females, once they enter an environment, set out to feminize >that environment. SERVO: [falsetto] That tree would look just darling with some chintz drapes! And tell the moose not to wear white after Labor Day! > To repeat, females are psychologically dominant, >and they will impose their traits on the males remolding them >according to the females' whacked-out notion of manliness. CROW: When exactly did "whacked-out" become an accepted psychological term? > What >compounds the situation is that men seem to think that is manly SERVO: To refuse to ask for directions, even though they're looking for Glacier National Park and they just passed a road sign reading "Amarillo, next 7 exits"! >to defer to the "weaker sex" under any and all circumstances, >and so the female gets her way in almost every situation. So >many accommodations MIKE: Provided by Omni Hotels International... > and concessions CROW: So the reason a medium cola and a popcorn at the movies costs a week's salary is - women? > to females are being made >which never, ever should be made at all. MIKE: In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to agree to the collars and noserings. > It is the male/female >sexual dynamic of the situation that contributes to this thing >because males naturally find themselves currying SERVO: [Rocky Horror] I see you shiver, with anticip- [Long pause] > sexual favor >from the female. MIKE & CROW: SAY IT!!!!!! SERVO: -paction! > >The U.S. is said to be the "me generation." MIKE: Canada is the "them generation". CROW: England is the "it generation". SERVO: New Zealand is the "New Zealand doesn't need no stinking pronouns" generation. > There seems to be no >sincere interest in the common good for all of society. People >have become self-centered, egocentric. This is because these >are female traits. SERVO: Which explains the big delivery of pantyhose and Shocking Pink lipstick to Donald Trump. CROW: Well, to be fair, that *could* have been Marla's final shopping spree. SERVO: True. > A highly illustrative example is Peggy >Bundy, on "Married With Children." CROW: Katey Sagal *is* Peg Bundy *as* Ayn Rand in "Buck Shrugged"! > Sure she is a fictional >character, but if you are attuned and pay close attention, you >can relate her traits to real, live females, and these days, to >real, live men as well! MIKE: Yeah, the big thing with most guys these days is to pile on the make-up and hit on flatulent footwear dealers. SERVO: $20 says he goes after Murphy Brown now. > >Females are NOT team players. MIKE: Lisa Leslie... SERVO: Rebecca Lobo.. CROW: Sheryl Swopes... > Females have a lower sense of >fair play. Females are catty. SERVO: Forget diamonds - a bowl of warm milk is a girl's best friend! > Females are vicious. With >females imposing their traits on society at large, is it any >wonder why we see outbreaks of violence on baseball playing >fields and hockey rinks among male players? MIKE: As opposed to all the female hockey and baseball players? > Failure to control >emotion is most definitely a female trait! SERVO: Gee, thanks, Surak. > >I can go on and on CROW: And I have a feeling he will. > about the negative consequences of how females >are imposing many other adverse female traits on society at large, >but in closing I would like to say... MIKE: Something intelligent. SERVO: I think he's sadly underqualified. > >In dealing with females outside of the non-household environment, >you have two choices: 1.) you can become like them, CROW: Which would mean a whole new wardrobe. > or 2.) you >can expel them. MIKE: And eat alone for the rest of your life. > Now we know why other cultures repress their >females. They do so lest their males become feminized! CROW: So ignorance, cruelty and superstition have nothing to do with it - it's just a way to keep from having to wear the poofy shirt. > > *-*-* First included USENET posting ends here -*-*- SERVO: Unfortunately, "First" implies there's a "Second" somewhere. > > > *-*-* Second included USENET posting starts here -*-*- MIKE: Right again, Tom. SERVO: Believe me, Mike, I've never been less happy to be right! > >Up to the mid-seventies, the U.S. auto makers used to redesign their >models drastically every year inside and out, MIKE: They did? CROW: You don't know? MIKE: Oh, please! Who can realistically tell the difference between a '55 and a '56 Buick? > but now they no longer >do so. SERVO: A collector could. MIKE: Hey, on my Happy Temps salary, I couldn't even afford to collect beer labels! > One extra blatant example of carryover designs was the >atrocious Cadillac instrument panel which graced those cars for >thirteen model years straight (from '77 thru '89 inclusive). CROW: Okay, putting the gas tank opening next to the cigarette lighter didn't work out like they'd hoped, but still... > >The reason why Detroit no longer redesigns its car models every >year is simple. It's because it has become too expensive to do >so, but why? SERVO: I bet it has something to do with women. > >I'll tell you why. It's because females MIKE: Women. CROW: Women, then? SERVO: Yep, women, pretty much. > have invaded yet another >males' turf through government enforced equality, and, being true >to form, the females sapped the energies out of the work groups and >brought productivity to its knees. CROW: Forget all that stuff about shoddy workmanship, overpaid labor, incompetent management, greedy executives, and poor gas mileage - Detroit lost its way thanks to women! MIKE: Y'get the feeling someone's bitter because Caddies don't still have tail fins? > >Now, don't go saying that you know males who are just as bad as >females. MIKE: But I *do* know males who are just as bad as females! SERVO: Silence, naughty person! > Females, as soon as they enter an environment, set out to >feminize that environment, and females, being dominant, will impose >their female traits on the more recessive males. CROW: [falsetto] Now are you gonna wear pumps and "White Shoulders", or do I haveta body-slam you again? > Also, the only >males who will be granted promotions in the corporate world are SERVO: The beefy, good-looking, Chet Hugebig types. MIKE: In other words, the same as always. >the ones who are perceived to be lawsuit safe, SERVO: All our tuna is lawsuit-safe. CROW: No attorneys were killed by drift-nets. > that is, politically >correct. However, these males are not politically correct at >all. CROW: They're all Bill Maher! MIKE: *There's* a frightening thought. > What they really are, are so stupid that they don't know >the differences between male and female or between black and white. MIKE: [Costner] We're through the looking glass, gentlemen - black is white, up is down, and men are women. >Additionally, these males who are getting promoted are highly >feminized males to begin with, meaning that they possess female >mentalities/personality traits SERVO: You mean homosexuality or effeminate behavior? > (not necessarily homosexuality nor >effeminate behavior). SERVO: Oh. Okay, then. > >Let's face it: females will never be men. CROW: [Newscaster] This just in: shocking scientific discovery reveals females are not men! MIKE: Thousands rage in the streets! SERVO: Janet Reno calls for more research! > What they do during the >feminization process is to lower the performance standards of the >group to their own level, and then they claim equality. MIKE: Yes, women invented grading on the curve! CROW: And men have been grading their curves ever since! > Actually, >they do more than this. SERVO: [announcer] *Now* how much would you pay? > They lower the work environment so low MIKE: ["Mole Men" prof] It goes down, down, way down... CROW: We've asked you not to do that, Mike. >that only they can tolerate it, and they drive out capable males >who really end up dropping out in disgust. SERVO: So what happens to all these smart, capable males being driven from the work force by the mean old nasty women? MIKE: They go sit in the woods and beat drums. > >Plain and simply stated: females are threatened by capable males; >female managers and colleagues will do everything in their power to >put the squeeze on capable males MIKE: [slams legs together] Ouch! > and then replace those males with >inferior dregs. SERVO: [Nimoy, singing] Bitter Dregs! > This is a bit confusing because females will, on >occasion, employ capable males, but only when the females are new to >their positions or when they are desperate to get over a critical >hurdle. MIKE: See, it's *just* like a woman to hire someone who can get the job done! > The female manager (or feminized male manager) will usually >bring in outside male consultants who will be used sparingly and who >will be quickly jettisoned SERVO: [Astro] Ro long, Reorge! > as soon as the manager is no longer >desperate. > >It was not like this in the not-too-distant past! CROW: Last Sunday, AD? SERVO: I'm warnin' ya, porcupine... >A lot of males may be a bit confused about these issues because >they may not be in the right environment to properly observe what >is going on. SERVO: [Quietly] From our vantage point here in the jungle, we can see the vicious bull female ruthlessly slaughtering her male co-workers and feasting on their still-warm carcasses. > In low level work, females, for the most part, seem to >do OK. However, in higher level work, where decision making and >politics come into play WATCH OUT!!! ALL: YAAAAAHHH!!!! (duck down!) MIKE: False alarm, guys. > It's an entirely different >story. SERVO: [Basso] The story of the dawn of the third age of man... MIKE: [Basso, British] The story of space - the final frontier... CROW: [Basso] The story of a man named Brady... > >Here are some of the characteristics of the female modus operandi SERVO: Sa-a-a-a-ay... >in higher level work: > >1.) Females are always in need of ratification of self worth. >They always need ego stroking, and they always have to overblow CROW: Is there any comment to be made here that won't get us banned on a dozen continents? MIKE: No. CROW: Okay - just checkin'. >the importance of their assignments. However, in high level work >females never seem to advance beyond trivialities. Then they milk >these trivialities to death, SERVO: Quinn Martin presents Elsie the Cow in a suspense masterpiece - "Got Milked - TO DEATH?!?!?!" > never allowing the work group to advance >beyond these trivialities because to do so would be tantamount to >pulling the rug out from under that which forms the basis for the >female's ego ratification. Females are self-centered. MIKE: Fortunately, men are all self-sacrificing and humble. > In meetings >they don't want to discuss issues that affect the whole group. No! CROW: Yes! Maybe! Higher! Ummmmm, pass!! >They turn it around and have the whole group bogged down on the >individual female's problems instead of having those problems >addressed outside the meeting. SERVO: [Basso] Never mind our falling profit curve and those half-dozen lawsuits, men - DeeDee has broken a fingernail! > >2.) Males are not naturally supposed to get alone with females. CROW: They're supposed to get together with groups of them? MIKE: Hey, that works for me! CROW: Yeah, in your dreams, Nelson. >They are supposed to dominate the females! However, in the mixed >gender work environment, getting along really is unworkable, but >feminized corporate management is forever MIKE: Knight? CROW: Frankie? SERVO: Amber? > forcing the situation. >This, in and of itself, saps everyone's energies and brings down >productivity AND, on a cumulative basis, the international >competitiveness of the country. CROW: [Newscaster] In financial news, the Treasury Department and the FTC announced new regulations to combat the rising trade deficit requiring all Fortune 500 companies to post signs at their headquarters which read "NO GURLZ ALOUWED!" > >3.) Females are big on the usage of fancy productivity tools and >seminars, classes and such. SERVO: Geez, whatta buncha dizzy dames - imagine going to class to learn how to do your job better! > However, these things are merely >crutches and devices of obfuscation for the low-productivity >females and feminized males. MIKE: Zig Ziglar's secret plan for world domination! > In the past, these devises were not >used and PRODUCTIVITY WAS HIGHER! CROW: In the past, men wore big goofy-looking mustaches, and PRODUCTIVITY WAS HIGHER! SERVO: In the past, cholera was rampant, and PRODUCTIVITY WAS HIGHER! MIKE: In the past, horse droppings were heaped on the streets of every city, town, and village in the world, and PRODUCTIVITY WAS HIGHER! > These devices are CRUTCHES!! >Crutches help a cripple hobble along, but crutches impair the >performance of very capable people. CROW: But they're really cool to fence with! > >4.) Females are on a mad power tear, and will align themselves >with anyone and anything that will give them a perceived quick >power fix. What they won't do, however, MIKE: [singing] Is they won't do that, no they won't do that! SERVO: Gee, thanks, Mr. Loaf. > is align themselves with >high quality people. Females gravitate to that which is perceived >to be inferior; SERVO: Not to mention black holes and high density stellar formations. > they gravitate to bad boys and losers in the >romance department, too. CROW: Ah. MIKE: Suddenly, the picture gets a *lot* clearer! > >5.) Females allow office equipment to deteriorate and expect >subordinates to use broken down equipment. CROW: Which, if you're McGyver, isn't that big a problem. > >Do you know why female managers expect subordinates to work with >broken down equipment? MIKE: Because they're managers? > >It's because females have a higher tolerance for crap! CROW: Which won't stop them from kicking this guy's butt across several state lines! > >There was a story on the radio recently that White captives >(Australians, I think) were put into Asian concentration camps >during the war. CROW: Tell me he's not gonna start in on race now, too! SERVO: If this turns into "The Long March", I am *leaving*! > The females had a much higher survival rate >than the males who could not adapt so easily to the harsh >conditions. CROW: Um, so is this supposed to make men feel good about being men? MIKE: If you have a really twisted and odd sense of what "good" is. > >So females are more adaptive to harsh conditions! So what? SERVO: So they'll be crunchin' your bones long after you're gone, pal! MIKE: That's a little dark, don't you think? SERVO: The truth isn't always pretty, Mike >Is this a desirable trait? Hardly!! CROW: Survival skills are just so femmey! > After all, it's been said >that rats and roaches will survive a nuclear war! MIKE: On behalf of my gender, I'd like to apologize to everyone, everywhere for this. > >Females were made to adapt to harsh conditions so that they >would be able to face childbirth and child rearing, SERVO: Well, let's see *you* put in six hours at a Pre-school - *then* we'll talk "inferior sex", pal! > but >their adaptability is not an otherwise desirable trait >because their adaptability inhibits the self-motivated impetus >to improve things. MIKE: Two words here - saddle blockers. > Why should females bother to improve things >when they can simply adapt? CROW: Gender Darwinism? > The females' response to broken >down equipment is to simply work harder. If a plane is broken >down, the females' will simply flap their arms. SERVO: Paging Miss Absurdium, Miss Reducto Ad Absurdium! > >In a nutshell, MIKE: Appropriately > females work hard, but not smart. Males work >smart but not hard. MIKE: And some bots don't work at all. CROW: What does that mean? MIKE: When's the last time either of you touched a load pan bay? SERVO: When's the last time you cleaned the fossilized toothpaste off the sink? MIKE: [Pause] Let's call it a draw and move on. > Males possess inventiveness and >dissatisfaction with their environment, and so they are out >to take command of their environment and change it for the >better. SERVO: And what a fine job they've done, too. > Females adapt and at the same time allow their >environments to deteriorate. Then the females turn around to >the males and scream, "You big babies!" CROW: Look out! Here come the big people! > >Females' philosophy is that you should take things as they >come, you have to take the bad with the good, you should go >through life with blinders on, you should think positively, >wear a stupid smile, and be happy no matter what. SERVO: [singing] Always look on the bright side of life [Mike & Crow whistle] > >Males' philosophy is that you should improve things! > >Females are dominant. Males are recessive. MIKE: On the next "Geraldo"! > Liberate the >females and the males will be supplanted, swamped and feminized. >Then your society will regress to the primitive. ALL: [Grunt, a' la Tim Allen] > > >Now, let us turn to the females' effect on the world of politics! SERVO: [singing] Oh they were sufferin', until suffrage... MIKE: [singing] Now a woman can vote no matter what age... ALL: [singing] Yes the 19th Amendment struck down that restricted booth! > >Since women got the right to vote we have seen feminized politicians >being voted into office. CROW: For some reason, I'm getting the image of Lyndon Johnson frolicking in a cheerful summer smock. MIKE: You're a sick, sick bot, Crow. > Now, the feminization of males does not >necessarily involve shifting of sexual preferences nor effeminate >mannerisms, although it can involve these phenomena. CROW: He's stressing that just a little *too* much, I think. SERVO: [Jock] Were you starin' at my area, Todd? C'mon don't do that, yer creepin' me out! CROW: [Shrilly] The girls made me do it! > What it does >always involve are males' assuming female mentalities/personalities >and males' subservience to females. MIKE: Smash the tyranny of the job jar! > >It never fails! Whenever females enter a males' realm, the first >thing they set out to do is to feminize the environment. SERVO: [dumb guy] So, like, my chick told me take down all my Cindy Crawford posters and stuff! MIKE: [ditto] Bummer, dude! > >In the case of the Legislative and Executive branches of government, >females have left their mark by imposing the following traits: >1. Lower standards due to everyone seeking accommodations and > concessions. >2. Uncontrolled spending. CROW: Yeah, it was awful how all those women in the presidency and Congress spent all that money! >3. Gridlock with the stressing of trivialities while priorities > can't be addressed because everyone is on a ego trip SERVO: [Game Show announcer] To beautiful *CANCUN MEXICO*!! ALL: [Cheers] > for ratifi- > cation of self-worth. >4. Shifting loyalties or no loyalties at all. MIKE: Remember the good old days when you bought politicians and they *stayed* bought? >5. Continuing along the lines of 4 above, we see self-centered > selfishness as opposed to interest in the greater good. CROW: The attack of the socialist chauvinists? >6. Egalitarianism, but the females' rendition of egalitarianism is > not one of equality at all but of the exaltation of the inferior. SERVO: The Superior Inferiors? > Another way of putting this is "political correctness." CROW: Late nights on ABC, after "Nightline". >7. Continuing along the lines of 6 above, we see incompetence > because, again, females gravitate to that which is inferior. >8. Saying one thing, meaning another, and then doing something > very different. CROW: I'm determined: you're stubborn: she's pushy! >9. Mudslinging - cattiness and pettiness being female traits. >10. A lower sense of fair play marked by dishonesty, lies, schemes, > plots, cover-ups, etc. MIKE: Wow! And none of this happened before women got the vote! Shocked! Shocked am I! >11. Decadence. Make no mistake about it! The female is much more > decadent than the male; CROW: If you're lucky, sure! > we just did not know it when there were > different social norms in effect and females were on a short leash. SERVO: Somehow, I get the nagging suspicion he means that *literally*! >12. And much, much more. (Further comments and contributions are > invited here.) CROW: Just as soon as he can make them up > >NOW BEAR IN MIND, MIKE: THAT ALL CAPS MEANS I'M RIGHT! > even if there is not a single female legislator >currently seated, you will still see the female traits on the part >of the males because the males always have to answer to and please >the female constituency among the electorate! SERVO: Interns, mostly. > Further bear in mind >that females are in the majority in this country, and when they >are lumped in with the non-elite or so-called "downtrodden," then >they are in the vast majority. MIKE: Didn't he just complain that the *women* were the ones being egalitarian a few paragraphs ago? CROW: I'm superior: you're vain: she's egalitarian. > And one more thing about females: CROW: If you know any who are interested in movies, outdoor activities, and net.kookery, have 'em give me a call, willya? >you should NOT pay too much attention to what they say; you must >pay attention to what they do, because what they do is infinitely >more indicative of what females are all about! SERVO: As opposed to males? MIKE: Well, listening to what this guy says, I think I've got a pretty good idea what *he's* all about. > >Now, notwithstanding the First Amendment right to freedom of the >press, CROW: I voided the Bill of Rights, and I'm a manlier man for it! > we must eliminate female journalists, SERVO: Yep, he's taking on Murphy Brown MIKE: Shades of Dan Quayle! CROW: Which really isn't fair to Quayle. MIKE: And Danny-boy is a much more pleasant guy. CROW: Just don't offer him any potatoe chips. > because even if we >eliminate the females' voting right, male politicians will still >feel obligated to answer to and please the female journalists, >and, because of this, they will still end up feminized. SERVO: Katie Couric - cute, perky journalist or avatar of evil? > Female >journalists, like all females, are overaggressive, very invasive >of male realms, very picky, snoopy, gossipy and vicious, and so >if you want male politicians to be uninhibited MIKE: Great. Just what we need: politicians whose sense of propriety has been shrunk that extra hundredth-inch to oblivion. > about doing what >they should be doing to run this country correctly, then you are >going to have to get rid of the female journalists out of necessity. CROW: A little known fact: Woodward & Bernstein's real first names are Carol Ann and Lisa Jo. It's true! > >Volumes can be written about why it is a bad idea to have the >executive office of the President located SERVO: Next to Monica Lewinski's apartment. > in the White House where >the mere proximity of government business to the First Lady is an CROW: Absolute irritant to Slick. >open invitation for her to go on a mad feeding frenzy for SERVO: Any suspicious looking ties. >power and influence AND an opportunity to CROW: Screen all the interns personally. MIKE: So do you think you two've covered every conceivable "White House Intern Joke" known to man and bot at this point? CROW: Possibly - we're still lookin' into it. >feminize her own husband and *our* President! MIKE: Forget assassins and crackpots: from now on, the Secret Service must protect the President from cooties at all costs! SERVO: Then they have to spill their guts to Ken Starr about it. CROW: Um, apparently, we're still not done with that whole vein yet. > Just about every problem with this country can be >tracked right back to the opening of the White House. MIKE: Ah, for the good old days of 1799! > >Conclusions: End equal employment opportunity and affirmative action >for females, repeal the women's right to vote, repress females or the >males of society will end up feminized and the country will revert to >its primitive state. SERVO: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that the way things *were* during society's "primitive state"? > > *-*-* Second included USENET posting ends here -*-*- MIKE: [clutching head] Oh, man! SERVO: Mike? You okay? MIKE: I don't know, I - I'm a little dizzy. CROW: Geez, Mike, you look really pale!! MIKE: This thing's made me feel all-over funny. SERVO: Well, let's get out of here, maybe it'll help [All exit] o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6 [SOL BRIDGE - Tom is standing about, reading "Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions". Crow enters.] SERVO: How's Nelson? CROW: Oh, he's a little better, now that I put him down for a nap. I think he just absorbed too much of that "whacked-out" stuff that guy was spouting. SERVO: Yeah, it kinda got to me, too. Did you give him an aspirin or a Benadryl or something? CROW: Well, the medicine chest is a little low since that flu scare last month. All I could find was some - hey, whatcha reading? SERVO: Gloria Steinem's book. CROW: Oh. Hey, wasn't she a Playboy bunny for a while? SERVO: Yeah, there was a TV movie about it with Kirstie Alley. [Gypsy enters from stage right - backwards] GYPSY: Um, g-g-guys? CROW: Any pictures of Gloria in the bunny suit? SERVO: Nope. GYPSY: Tom? Crow? CROW: Better yet, any pictures of Kirstie in the bunny suit? SERVO: Nope. GYPSY: Fellas? CROW: Well, geez, what kinda penny-ante Playboy book is this, anyway? SERVO: It's not a Playboy book, you clown! It's- GYPSY: [Loudly] HEY, YOU TWO! Mike's coming this way. CROW: Um, that's nice, Gypsy. GYPSY: At least I - I *think* it's Mike. SERVO: C'mon, Gyps, there's only one human on the ship, so it's gotta be- MIKE: [off-stage, but not Mike's voice] Hey, guys! SERVO: Nelson? [The person who enters is Mike, but most definitely not the Mike we've come to know and love. In fact, it's Bridget, who will be referred to as "Myke" (except by the bots), in Mike's jumpsuit!] MYKE: How's it going? CROW: Muh-muh- SERVO: MIKE?!?!? MYKE: Yeah. What's wrong, you all look like you've seen a ghost or something? GYPSY: Um, Mike, do you feel all okay and stuff? MYKE: Sure, Gypsy. I mean, I was a little woozy, but after that nap, I popped a couple of frankfurters in the microwave, and now I feel fine. Why, is something wrong? CROW: Muh-muh-muh- SERVO: Have you, oh, I dunno, looked in a mirror lately, Nelson? MYKE: Hmmm, nope - why, do I have mustard on my face or something? CROW: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh... SERVO: D'oh! Look, why - why don't you go check yourself real quick? MYKE: Boy, you guys are sure acting funny today. [shrugs] Okay, hold on. [walks off, whistling "I Feel Pretty"] CROW: Muh-muh-muh-muh- SERVO: Crow!! Snap out of it! What in the three faces of Eve did you give him???!?!?!? CROW: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh- GYPSY: Why hasn't noticed yet? SERVO: You know Mike, he wouldn't notice a plane crash right next to him unless someone pointed it out! GYPSY: I wonder how Mike'll take it. [From offstage, a strangled cry is heard] SERVO: My guess is, "not well". CROW: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh- [Mike rushes back in, torn between rage and panic] MYKE: Crow, what was that medicine you gave me? CROW: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh- MYKE: [grabs Crow and shakes] CROW!! CROW: I-I-I couldn't find any aspirin or anything, so I gave you some old, broken-up Propecia tablets I found in Tom's chem lab. MYKE: You mean that hair stuff with "certain sexual side effects"?!? SERVO: Hey, wait a second, what were you doing in my lab? CROW: Well, the door was unlocked, so I just - SERVO: You know my lab is off-limits! Remember what happened with you and that Bunsen Burner and the Liquid Hydrogen? CROW: Oh, like that little "accident" of yours never happened! SERVO: Look, anyone could get "Thallium" and "Thulium" mixed up! MYKE: W-wait, I thought there weren't supposed to be any weird side effects unless you were a pregnant woman, or something! CROW: Maybe it was the pills plus something else. SERVO: Maybe. I mean, who knows what they put in hot dogs these days? GYPSY: It could be an interaction with that post you just read. SERVO: I'll bet you're right! Nelson's weird Midwestern metabolism plus Propecia plus that Testosterone overdose equals *whammo!* - Instant Ranma factor! GYPSY: Or, maybe it's just the weather. CROW: Oh, c'mon, Gyps, how could the weather do it? GYPSY: Um, low pressure fronts? SERVO: It's gotta be something else, though, I mean- [All three of the bots start arguing. Myke stands watching in despair. Finally...] MYKE: Hey, you guys, I need some help - I'm bereft of my masculinity here! When is this gonna wear off???? SERVO: Look, those pills John Robie here pilfered were supposed to be in the experimental, there's no way to know! They could wear off in a couple of hours, a few days, or - or, well, never! MYKE: Oh, swell! What'm I supposed to do in the meantime? Other than audition for the remake of "Goodbye Charlie", that is?!? [longish pause] CROW: Well, it's just a suggestion - but if you're still like this when the weekend rolls around... MYKE: Yeah? CROW: Are you free for dinner Saturday night? SERVO: WHAT?!?!?!? MYKE: Well, I'll probably just nuke another frank or open a can of Spaghetti-Os, I guess. Though for some reason, a salad and baked chicken suddenly sounds good. CROW: I can get us reservations at Chez Marcel. MYKE: Really? Hey, I heard they've got a great lobster bisque and - SERVO: NELSON!!! MYKE: Huh? SERVO: You *do* realize that *Crow* just asked you on a D-A-T-E?!? MYKE: Oh, don't be silly, he wouldn't - um, that is - did you? CROW: Oh, please! Me? Ask Mike for a date? Hahahahahahaha - yes. MYKE: You've gotta be kidding me! CROW: Well, c'mon, it's a legitimate question. I mean, you make a really cute girl! MYKE: That's completely beside the point! I - y'think? CROW: Sure. MYKE: Well, thanks, that's nice to- D'oh! No. Out of the question! CROW: Oh, c'mon, think of it - a nice dinner, a couple of moonlight waltzes, then, heh heh, back to my place to see my etchings, baby! MYKE, SERVO, & GYPSY: Ewwwwwww! SERVO: Crow, that's *Mike* you're propositioning!!! CROW: So? It could be King Kong for all I care - I just want a cheap, shallow, meaningless fling. GYPSY: I feel ill. MYKE: Forget it, Crow - I'm not that kind of a girl! CROW: How do you know? You haven't been one long enough to see. MYKE: Ick! GYPSY: Come on, Mike, we'll go up to my room and have some nice chamomile tea. MYKE: Thanks, Gypsy, that sounds surprisingly nice. [Both start to leave, but at the door, turn and look back] MYKE & GYPSY: Hmph! *Boys!* [both leave] CROW: Chicks. Go figure. SERVO: You're pathetic, you know that? CROW: Ah, you're just mad I asked first. SERVO: ARRRRGGGHHHHH!! [storms off] CROW: Hah! Sore loser! [Lights begin to blink] We'll be right back. [muttering] Must be losing my touch. [COMMERCIALS - A Dangerous Double Agent And A Master Of Disguise!, Ever Wonder?, Brown Sugar! & You're Darn Right I Did, It Was Flame Broiled And Delicious!] From: bi...@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston) Subject: MiSTed - I Swear! Everything on TV is Geared to Feminizing Males! (2/2) Date: 1998/09/07 Message-ID: <6t06aq$dpq$2@tsunami.traveller.com> X-Deja-AN: 388639689 Organization: 57776 Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k.mstings,alt.fan.mst3k [THEATER - All enter. Mike is still "Myke"] CROW: Hey, um, guys. MYKE: I'm not speaking to you! CROW: Look, I'm sorry about the whole propositioning thing, okay. MYKE: Well-l-l-l - okay, forget it. Just remember, "No" means "No". > *-*-* Third included USENET posting starts here -*-*- SERVO: Oh, joy. >> Let's get one thing straight--I am not "defending" myself to you and >> your insane allegations about women. I am going to take a wild guess >> here and bet that you are a white supremacist. SERVO: I'll take a piece of that action. >> If I am wrong, I >> apologize for the insult. However, your racial slurs, obvious hatred of >> strong women, and inane comments bring me to this conclusion. CROW: Wait, who is this talking? MYKE: I don't know, but I like her already. > > >Well, its seems that I am taking a lot of heat for my presentation >of the male/female issue, or should I say, problem. CROW: No, actually, you shouldn't. > I don't think >that I am nearly as extreme as the males in many, many other cultures. MYKE: But you're obviously working on it. >What would you say about those males and their approach to the female >problem? I would say that they are enlightened. SERVO: Yeah, but he'd probably say that Caligula was a "Merry Prankster". > I say that they >value their male gender sovereignty and are out to preserve it lest >they become feminized per your whacked-out notions. CROW: Well, it worked on Nelson. MYKE: Thanks for reminding me of my pain, Tom! > >You can't talk about nigrification without being called "racist;" >you can't talk about Judification without being called "anti-Semitic;" >and you can' talk about feminization without being called >"misogynistic." MYKE: And there's a reason for all that, y'know >Well, you may have come a long way, baby, CROW: Just look at the lung cancer rates! > BUT the people who are >protesting the above processes will no longer cringe at being the >object of words-as-weapons and will no longer kowtow to the ones >who hurl them! CROW: "Kowtow"? That's udderly ridiculous! SERVO: Oh, you're just milking it now. MYKE: Yeah - let's just moo-ve along. > > >> I will not debate this topic with someone as uneducated and close- >> minded as yourself. > >Well, if that is not a stereotypical tactic of a female, then >I don't know what is! ALL: You don't know what is! > Anyway, the translation is: "I'm all >out of ammunition for any kind of rebuttal so my best bet is >to denigrate the opposition and skedaddle." SERVO: Oh, man! And "skedaddle" was one of my favorite words, too! MYKE: Well, it's out now - too much association with this. SERVO: Grrr! Thank you so *bloody* much, Usenet! > >I'll have you know that I am very highly educated having gone >through the feminization process known as college and graduate >school (which in the past were not nearly so feminizing.) CROW: That must have been before they added the doctorate degrees in hat parties and transvestism. >I'll also have you know that I was once very broad minded SERVO: Too easy CROW: Like shooting mice in a barrel > about >allowing females opportunities to contribute and prove themselves. >However, after I overdosed on the perverse side effects of the >female influence on society, MYKE: He should've listened when they told him he couldn't wear crinolines > I made an about-fact. [All snicker] > When the >person least expected to write in my terms does so, then it is >time to take pause and evaluate the situation. SERVO: And call in the counterfeiting squad. > By the way, >look to the world of music, CROW: Young graduate! > specifically the punk rockers and >devil worshiping types. That sort of thing emerged from the >darkest crevices of some female's id, SERVO: [Tommy Smothers] There were poomas down in the cravices! > and never would have become >mainstream-prevalent if it were not for the influence of the >liberated females on society. MYKE: Like Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper! I - oh, wait! > Females gravitate to the inferior. >Females gravitate to bad boy/loser types. Females gravitate >to decadence and that which is perverse. CROW: Saaaaay.... MYKE: Forget it! CROW: I wasn't gonna say anything! > Just look to the >societal prominence of such things as astrology and the Psychics' >Friends Network which are female things, CROW: I knew he was going to say that. > and the constant >promotion of this crapola on TV is influencing the males and >feminizing them in these respects. MYKE: Y'know, "crapola" is a very interesting word, too. SERVO: It's not as good as "skedaddle", though. CROW: At least there are no appeals to the "intelligensia" in here. > > >> You sound like a person filled with hate, and I pity you. SERVO: He sounds like a person filled with crap, and I laugh at him. > >Hmmm, sounds like a TV talk show tactic. MYKE: Maybe he's just bitter because he got bumped by Helen Kushnick or something. > Spotlight a problem >and the proponents of the subject matter lash out at you with >characterizations of being a hate filled person. MYKE: Unless it's Springer. Then they lash out at you with chairs. > More words-as- >weapons!! So what? You've already been told that we don't care >about malignment any more! CROW: I don't care about apathy! > > >> I pity you not just because of your beliefs which mean that you >> will alienate yourself from wonderful people, but also because >> those "freewheeling bitches" you refer to could take you to new >> heights of ecstasy. ALL: Oh, *wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow!!!!!* > >Sounds like an old story. This ecstasy is pretty similar to a >certain apple in a certain garden of paradise, isn't it? MYKE: And then, $150 million in hand, Bill Gates showed up. > What a >stereotypical female you are! CROW: Said the selfsame stereotyper! > Shame on you for playing your "pussy" >card ALL: BOOO! SERVO: Speaking of "shame"... > to bring down the male population and also to bring down their >garden of paradise to primitive levels. MYKE: Because, as we all know, girls have girl germs, and sex is dirty and bad and wrong. > > >> Just one of the many advantages of being with a woman who controls >> her own destiny--so to speak. > >Females have proven themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt to be >totally irresponsible at controlling their own destiny, SERVO: Good thing men are so much better at it. CROW: Yeah, when's the last time you saw a guy who was a total loser? > and their >track record for social engineering is deplorable. SERVO: Hey! We all bought bananas again! > >To repeat: MYKE: This is *only* a test! > the country in the last 30+ years of government >enforced equality has gone from being the richest nation in the >world to being the poorest nation in the world; CROW: Thank goodness for those foreign aid packages from Ghana and Bangladesh! MYKE: Those grain shipments from Somalia to Kansas were a godsend! > we just haven't >felt the full effects of this because we have been running on >empty SERVO: Starring River Pheonix > for the longest time, that is, to say, debt. CROW: Debt, be not proud! > >It looks like your societal credit card has exceeded its limit, >dearie! SERVO: For someone decrying the feminization of men, he sure talks a lot like Patsy and Edina > > *-*-* Third included USENET posting ends here -*-*- > MYKE: Oh, good, we can l- > > *-*-* Fourth included USENET posting starts here -*-*- ALL: YAAAHH!!! CROW: Aw, man! We've been blindsided! > >> First of all, I do not believe in the existence of a "female problem". SERVO: Well, don't tell the health & beauty aids people, for gosh sakes - they make millions off that "not-so-fresh feeling" alone! >> Secondly, other cultures are just that--different cultures. You are >> comparing apples and oranges. CROW: Mmmmm - fruit salad! > >No, not really! Go back a century and a half or so ago , MYKE: Which is apparently where he lives. > and check >out the culture of the Unites States back then. How we lost sight >of our heritage, I don't know. CROW: I think we left it unlocked with the motor running. MYKE: [Teenager] Boy, dad's gonna kill you, Butch - you lost sight of his Heritage! > (But I have some ideas.) SERVO: Not any *good* ideas, mind you... > >> Our culture in the United States is a >> democracy, and it was founded on the basis of freedom which means >> everyone is entitled to SERVO: Their own talk show. >> certain civil liberties. And that means >> everyone Sir--not just men. > >What the h-ll does a female know about democracy? MYKE: H-ck if I know CROW: After the language he's used up to now, suddenly he gets prudish on us? MYKE: He's the self-bowdlerizing crackpot > I'll have you know >that all male work groups are infinitely more democratic than mixed >gender work groups. SERVO: Sounds more Republican to me. > Add one female to a male group and she feminizes >the group, SERVO: So thanks to Mike, we'll all soon be wymyn! MYKE: You're not helping! > takes over as the center of attention, plays one male >against the other, CROW: Then wins big by betting on the point spread. > and on and on and on... Female managers are >autocratic, totalitarian bitches!!! CROW: Whereas men are self-sufficient, scrupulously diligent leaders. > > >> No, you can't--with good reason. These groups have been harassed and >> oppressed long enough. SERVO: Can I say, "The man is holdin' us back!"? MYKE: If you think it'll do any good. SERVO: Hmmmmm - nah! > >Oppressed for good reason, CROW: Because we feel like it! > for without oppression those lower down >on the social totem pole will lobby for sociological inversions >that turn the totem pole upside-down putting the formerly oppressed >on top. MYKE: [British] Help! I'm being oppressed! SERVO: Okay, rule number one of oppression: never actually let them *know* they're being oppressed! Rule two - don't directly spell out a reason for them to overthrow you! > > >> Clearly, the heat your are receiving for these >> terms is a sign that society no longer tolerates this behavior. > >Translation: CROW: "Bring me the fish of your brother Raul!" > "Clearly, the heat your are receiving for these >terms is a sign that a *feminized* society no longer tolerates >this behavior." MYKE: Oh, the old "You don't mean what you said, you mean what I said you meant" technique of debating. > > >> How is higher education feminizing pray tell? > >The United States educational system is one which no longer >stresses intelligence and learning. CROW: Well, once you get past all the metal detectors, it does. > It is a feminized tea party >which stresses, "Let's all get along. Let's all hold hands and >sing, 'We Are the World,'" and such. SERVO: Somehow, it's much more effective if you hold hands and sing "Semi-Charmed Life". We don't know why. > You females, even though >you are in the majority, would never have taken control without >exploiting your sociological alliances, CROW: Isn't that how World War I started? > hence the transformation >of the educational system for that purpose and the brainwashing >(that is) feminization of the males! MYKE: It's time for 100 million interventions. > > >> Oh, and you are highly educated and yet you did not pick up on >> a reference to Emily Bronte--didn't you have a literature >> requirment in high school or college? Maybe you just skipped that >> class. CROW: It was taking valuable time away from his beer-swilling practice and his "He-Man Woman Haters" club. > >First, my major was not such a feminized area of study, SERVO: [Big Dumb Guy] I only studied, eh, whaddayacallit, macho classics, like Hemingway and Van Damme! > secondly, >I am not a repository of trivia like females who like to sweat >minutiae. MYKE: He's a sack of hammers, and proud of it! CROW: Yeah, brain cells are just flaking off like dandruff. > >> We don't need to prove ourselves. We have proven time and time >> again that we are as smart, as qualified, and as entitled as any man. > >Balderdash! SERVO: The exciting new wordplay game from Parker Brothers! > Show me a female who holds a patent for any device >that may be vaguely termed high tech! Show me a female who is >well know as a troubleshooter! Show me a female who is a master >when it comes to classical music or classical art. MYKE: Beverly Sills CROW: Marian Anderson SERVO: Kiri Te Kanawa > Females >are masters of pop music SERVO: [singing] Talk about - Pop Music! Talk about - Pop Music! CROW & MYKE: [singing] Pop-pop-pop Music. Pop-pop-pop Music. > at best and modern art. Compare modern >art to primitive cave art. CROW: Give three examples. Show your work. > The primitive cave art is more advanced >than modern art. I am going to stop here. SERVO: Promises, promises! > It is not my purpose to >reduce you to tears! ALL: Then *shut up*!!! > > >> >However, after I overdosed on the perverse side effects of the >> >female influence on society, I made an about-fact. SERVO: Ummm, haven't we read this already? MYKE: Yeah, but it didn't improve any with age. > When the >> >person least expected to write in my terms does so, then it is >> >time to take pause and evaluate the situation. CROW: This thing is lapping itself! >> > By the way, >> >look to the world of music, specifically the punk rockers and >> >devil worshiping types. SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind"... > That sort of thing emerged from the >> >darkest crevices of some female's id, and never would have become >> >mainstream-prevalent if it were not for the influence of the >> >liberated females on society. MYKE: Good morning! It's groundhog day! >> >> These statements are absurd. Again, show me some facts to back up >> your allegations, or don't waste my time. CROW: That's like asking Ludwig or John_-_Winston for facts, I think. > > >You know darn well SERVO: [singing] When you cast your spell, you'll get your way... > that the nature of my allegations are such that >they can't be proved, MYKE: I can't prove anything, but I'm right, so nyah!!! > but they can be subjected to the scientific >concept called correlation. SERVO: Yeah, they can also be subjected to the scientific concept called being wadded up and slam dunked into file 13! > Prior to females' being let out of >their boxes and fed after midnight, ALL: BOO!!!! CROW: Someone tell me this isn't a real person - it's just some kind of evil AI program gone awry. MYKE: That would implying that there's some kind of intelligence here. SERVO: I theory I soundly reject! > we simply did not see the >following social phenomena to any significant extent: >1. Devil worshiping MYKE: Boy, you eat *one* little apple... >2. Addictions to sadomasochism CROW: Beat me! Beat me! SERVO: No! >3. Male strippers >4. Male prostitutes MYKE: And these are worse than female strippers and prostitutes because? >5. Homosexuality, transvestism, and transsexuality SERVO: And homovestism. MYKE: What's that? SERVO: It's when you dress all in one color. It's a fashion crime. >6. Hard rock music from hell >7. Addictions to tattooing, body piercing, body branding, etc. SERVO: It's all that one Spice Girl's fault! >8. Road rage - uncontrolled anger being a female trait CROW: It's swiftly becoming a robot trait, too! >9. Fatal attractions SERVO: Starring Michael Douglases & Glenn Closes >10. Serial killers and cannibalism >11. Child abuse and abductions >12. Interracial marriages SERVO: The hey?!? MYKE: Yes folks, remember that the loving union of two people who have different melanin levels is only slightly more acceptable than actually being Jeffery Dahmer or Bruno Hauptman >13. High divorce rates, high illegitimacy rates, etc. >14. and on and on and on.... MYKE: We know - you just won't shut up! > >For crying out loud, just turn on daytime television which is >the eptiome of feminization, and you will see nothing but >cap CROW: ...on the Millinery Channel - all headwear, all the time! > from the darkest crevices of the females' id, particularly >on TV talk shows hosted by none other than FEMALES! SERVO: Rosie and Oprah are so-o-o obviously Gozer's Gatekeepers! > I shudder >to think what this influence is doing to the minds of pre- >school toddlers particularly the males! CROW: More proof Head Start is a pawn of Trilateralist Feminazis! > > >> So females gravitate to the inferior bad boy loser types? Hmm, I am >> assuming you don't place yourself in this catagory. Does this mean >> that you are celibate ALL: [singing] Celibate - Celibate - Dance to the music! >> --i.e., no women gravitate to you because of your >> superiority? That's an original excuse--I'll have to remember that one. SERVO: Maybe you should write that down too, Mike. CROW: Not that you need it anymore. MYKE: You two just love rubbing ground glass into every level of my wounded psyche, don't you? SERVO & CROW: Yep. > >I already indicated that I as an individual have no bearing on >what is happening in greater society nor on the reasons for those >phenomena! Why do you try to obfuscate by pointing to me as >a diversionary tactic? MYKE: He's obviously never heard the phrase "Consider the source". CROW: He's obviously never heard lots of things! > > >> Please, don't blame females because men can't keep their pants zipped. >> I have certainly never read any documented cases of a man being raped >> by a woman. > >Females are blameworthy if they exploit a certain weakness on the >part of males, and they have been doing this since the beginning of >time. SERVO: It's their fault for going around being women all the time! > Woman-on-male rape need not be established. Being over- >aggressive in the sex department is enough, and the liberated >female is most definitely overaggressive in that area always >shoving her offerings in the faces of males. CROW: Ummmmmmmmmm... SERVO: Better not > > >> When did the female population gain control of the government? > >When the White House was opened with the President's executive >office in close proximity to the First Lady. SERVO: Actually, that's the last thing *this* President wants > Another milestone >was women's suffrage, which women wanted for the sole purpose >of voting contrary to their husbands in order to make their >feminizing mark on the government and on society at large. CROW: So - bitter much, then? > > >> And, what specifically have females done to run this nation into >> the ground? MYKE: Oh, good, an essay question! SERVO: Yeah, put down your pencils and break out your shovels. > >The majority female electorate has been voting in feminized male >politicians who were molded in the image and likeness of the >whacked-out notion of maleness which females possess in their >mixed-up minds. SERVO: So, all women are a single-minded, monolithic voting bloc? CROW: Sure. Just look at Molly Yard and Phyllis Schlaffley. MYKE: Ann Richards and Kaye Bailey Hutchison? Peas in a pod. > These politicians, in order to continue pleasing >the females (that is, by being subservient to females), ushered >in liberalized institutions that sent this country into a >tailspin right down to primitiveness. MYKE: Obviously, since the first President elected after universal suffrage was, er, Warren G. Harding. > > >> In the past decade or so, women have just begun to make strides in >> equality... > >Bullcrap. SERVO: Horse hockey! MYKE: Sheep dip! CROW: Llama scat! > This just goes to demonstrate that females are pigheaded >in their insistence to be illogical. Forcing a state of equality >between two things that are simply unequal is the height of illogic. CROW: Somewhere, Leonard Nimoy is cringing in horror! > > >> Men control 99% of the corporations in America, men control the >> government, and men still control religions. > >The above is a most misleading statement. It should have been >worded: SERVO: "I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched." > "*Feminized* men control 99% of the corporations in America, >*feminized* men control the government, and *feminized* men still >control religions," MYKE: For example, Pope John RuPaul > because only feminized men would kowtow to >political correctness, to a tyrannical government which enforces >political correctness, to females, and to a matriarchal society! MYKE: And to a whacked-out feminization of savings - at MENARDS! SERVO: Or, in this case, WOMENARDS! > > *-*-* Fourth included USENET posting ends here -*-*- > > CROW: Is that it? Are we done? SERVO: Looks like it. MYKE: None too soon, I might add. SERVO: Let's get out of here. [All exit] o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6 [SOL Bridge] CROW: Well, that was gratuitously unpleasant. SERVO: Still, it's interesting to note that there are still living Neanderthals CROW: Yeah, and- [stops and sniffs the air] Hey, do you two smell something - I dunno, pleasantly alluring? SERVO: [Sniffs] Yeah, I do. Come to think of it, I smelled it in the theater, too. CROW: It's almost like perfume. SERVO: Yeah, but why would any of us be wearing perf- [Tom & Crow stop and stare at Myke] MYKE: *Sigh* Okay, okay, it's me. Gypsy let me use some of her Jovan Musk. I - I put a little dab behind each ear. [Long pause] MYKE: And - and on my wrists. [Very long pause] MYKE: Um, and - well, and a little between my, um, my, my br- SERVO & CROW: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MYKE: Guys, guys, guys - between my brows! My brows! CROW: Oh. SERVO: Mike, I hesitate to bring this up, but this whole woman-being business of yours is starting to scaring us. MYKE: I'm sorry, guys, but I feel very disconnected from my masculinity at the moment! And reading that little screed didn't help any - I mean, why would I want to be the same gender as *that* person? CROW: She's - I mean, *he's* got a point. MYKE: And it's getting worse - I have this weird, unnatural urge! SERVO: To go try on dresses? MYKE: Worse. CROW: To paint your toenails? MYKE: Worse. SERVO: Mike, no! Not - MYKE: Yes! I - I feel like watching Lifetime! CROW: Fight it, Mike, fight it! MYKE: I'm really trying, but - but I have this almost overwhelming desire to scarf a carton of Haagen-Dazs and cry my eyes out over some movie starring Lindsey Wagner! CROW: That's it, we've got to get the real Mike back before this goes too far! SERVO: Okay, Mike, look, there have been some very prominent, important and emulatable males in history. CROW: Yeah, I mean, Gandhi was a guy. SERVO: And so was Dr. Martin Luther King. CROW: And Thomas Jefferson. SERVO: And Charlemagne. CROW: And Marc McGwire. SERVO: And Victor Borge. CROW: Besides, you currently belong to the same gender as Amy Fischer. SERVO: And Lizzie Borden. CROW: And Jezebel. SERVO: And Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon Emerson Winchester. CROW: And Pearl! SERVO: And think about this - if you stay a woman, there's always the chance that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy will hit on you! CROW: Or that Newt Gingrich or Strom Thurmond will disempower you! [Myke blinks and sways for a second] SERVO: Feel better? MYKE: Yeah, much more like my old self. In fact, I feel like watching the Braves/Brewers game and slurping down a chili-cheese-kraut dog! CROW: Well, we're half-way there. MYKE: That's great, but the other half is still - well, female. SERVO: Okay, hold on! [Servo zips off] MYKE: *sigh* CROW: C'mon, Mike, it's not that bad. MYKE: Easy for you to say - you're not the one facing the prospect of wearing a bra for the first time at 30! CROW: Well, look at it this way - even if you're a woman for the rest of your natural life, you'll still be trapped up here with us, watching really bad movies and reading horrible posts, and no one will ever know your secret shame but me and Servo. And Gypsy. Oh, and Cambot and Magic Voice. Well, and Pearl and Brain Guy and Bobo, I guess. And anyone they bring into the castle. And anyone they send up here, too. [Myke glares at Crow for a second, then grabs him around the neck and starts shaking him] CROW: [sounding strangled] Wait - what - about - info - there? MYKE: Huh? Oh, right. [releases Crow and looks at camera] To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe dibslist []" in the message body. Read the FAQ, don't work blue, et cetera, et cetera! CROW: Good. MYKE: Thanks. Now, as I was saying... [Myke resumes strangling Crow. Servo zips back in with a pill in hand.] SERVO: C'mon, Mike, time enough to kill Crow later. I've got the answer. MYKE: [Drops Crow] Really? SERVO: Yep. I analyzed the chemical structure of those Propecia tablets, and put together a cure. It's Anti-pecia. MYKE: Well, let's give it a try. [Myke pops the pill with a smile, then collapses to the deck behind the console] CROW: [weakly] Air! SERVO: You don't breathe. CROW: Oh, yeah. [There's a cry of joy from below, and the fully male Mike emerges anew. Unfortunately, The Antipecia has worked all too well - he's now bald as a cueball!] MIKE: It worked! I'm a guy again! CROW: [snickering] Hey, way to go, Jean-Luc! MIKE: [confused] Huh? SERVO: Um, I gotta go see a horse about a man, bye! [zips off again] MIKE: What's his problem? I was gonna thank him for- [Mike reaches up to scratch his head, and discovers a lack of follicular matter] What the...? SERVO!!!!! [Mike rushes off after Tom. Lights flash] CROW: Hey, who loves ya, baby, hee hee hee! [CF - now dry as a bone] PEARL: Well, I hope you nertzes enjoyed your little stinkflower, because now I, Pearl Forrester, have the key to World Domination! My water compressor finally works! BOBO: Well, Lawgiver, don't forget I had to take one of those SF-911 models and tinker around with it, so I'd suggest being care- PEARL: Yeahyeahyeah. I was going to nab the Med, but turns out Brain Boy over there is an old fogy about safety and stuff, so we're gonna start with something smaller. OBSERVER: I just don't trust you-know-who's engineering skills. PEARL: Whatever. Let's go with Lake Ontario. OBSERVER: [exasperated] Pearl, when I said 'smaller', I meant something a *lot* smaller. PEARL: Oh all right, you pansy! Here, let me! [pushes Observer aside and aims the machine herself] There, I've got it on a little bitty pond somewhere in China - happy? Now let's get on with it! OBSERVER: Very well. Get ready - and - 3- 2- 1- FIRE IN THE HOLE! [The machine hums for a moment, then is quiet Pearl reaches into it and extracts a small glass of water which she places on a table] PEARL: It works! IT WORKS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! THE WORLD IS MINE!! THE WORLD IS- [stops] is- [Pearl realizes that the glass is shaking fiercely] is... BOBO: Uh-oh! OBSERVER: Look out, it's going to blow. ALL: DUCK!!!! [All three dive offscreen as the container suddenly explodes in a fairly cheesy looking effect. When the smoke & water clear, the castle is empty. Suddenly we hear coughing] OBSERVER: [now played by Beez] Oh, my aching brain! BOBO: [now played by Jill Rozenboom] I knew that darn thing wouldn't hold! OBSERVER: Then why did you install it, you subcompetent simian? BOBO: Hey, I was under a lot of pressure and- [Bobo & Observer suddenly stop and examine themselves] BOBO: Ook! Ook! Galloping Gibbons! OBSERVER: I *thought* that pond looked a little too familiar! BOBO: This is horrible! I'm a she-ape! How did this - hey, you got thingys! OBSERVER: Shut up! Pearl? Pearl, are you here? [Pearl steps into view. She looks very very different, but familiar. *Extremely* familiar!] DR.F: O-o-o-oh, poopie! We've *really* got to reverse this - and fast! Brain Gal, go get the blue prints! Monkey Woman, rustle us up some cold water, on the double! BOBO: Um, L-l-l-lawgiver, the castle plumbing is kind of backed up, and- DR.F: Well, send out for it, then! [Looks at camera] Well, what are you looking at, chowderheads?? Until next time, SOLosers! [He hits the console, and we get a:] *FWOOOOSH!!!* BOBO: [over fadeout] Hey, when did we get a button? DR.F: Will you just - D'OH! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I SWEAR! EVERYTHING ON TV IS GEARED TO FEMINIZING MALES by: Mix MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon ICED TEA: by Lipton TWO IF BY: Sea WHEN I DANCE THEY CALL ME: Macarena THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the original Broadway Cast of "1776" and Kraft Mayonnaise. Also, special thanks to: * Paul Coddington , whose reply to the original posting gave me the line "I thought everything on TV was geared towards making males look stupid, violent, and/or immature. Thanks Paul, wherever and whoever you are. * Special Guest Stars Bridget Jones as "Myke", Beez McKeever as "Brain Girl", Jill Rosenboom as "Bobette", and Very Special Guest Star Trace Bealieau as Dr. Forrester "Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. - Home of All That is Good and Beautiful. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. This is where the fish lives. Keep circulating the posts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > I made an about-fact. ####################################################### bi...@Traveller.COM http:\\www.Traveller.COM\~bill He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast - Prov. 15:15