From: ma...@infinet.com (Matthew Miller) Subject: [MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (1/4) Date: 1997/12/09 Message-ID: <2J4j.261$Qb.3766232@news2> X-Deja-AN: 296504363 NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 00:31:42 EST Organization: InfiNet Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc [ OPENING ] [ SOL. CROW and TOM SERVO are arguing. JOEL is off stage. ] TOM: Stop it! Stop it! For the sake of all decency, stop it! CROW: What? I'm just singing. [ JOEL enters from stage right. ] JOEL: Hi, guys. [ Looks at camera. ] Oh, we're back. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, and these are my wonderful 'bots, Crow and Tom Servo... [ Looks at both ] What's happening, you two? CROW: Tom is getting really uptight. TOM: Crow is singing a lot of really popular songs. JOEL: What's wrong with that? TOM: He's singing them wrong. CROW: He's just being a little control freak. JOEL: Well, why don't you give me an example, guys? CROW: Sure. *Ahem.* [ Singing The Beatles' "Getting Better" ] I'm getting bitter on my dime! I used to get plaid for my tool! The T-shirts that brought me were gruel! TOM: There! There! See? JOEL: I don't know...this seems like an awfully little thing to get upset about. TOM: Give him some more, Crow. CROW: Glad to. [ Singing "Christmas" from The Who's "Tommy" ] But Tom, he doesn't know what play it is! Don't know who Ceasar is or what 'et tu' means! How can he regain... Some of the above refrain? JOEL: [ Bemused. ] Tommy, did you hear that? TOM: I heard! I heard and I suffered! Joel, will you correct him? JOEL: I don't think you really need to get this worked up about it. CROW: Or about...this: [ Singing theme to "The Golden Girls" ] Thank you for bearing a trend. Raffle down a toad and back we send. Your part is due; you're a Hal and a comfort, hon... JOEL: All right. Tom Servo, have you tried asking him nicely to stop? TOM: Yes! JOEL: Really? TOM: No. [ JOEL ahs and nods. ] But I told him he was making my teeth hurt. CROW: I still want to sing! MAGIC: Commercial sign in five seconds. JOEL: Okay, I'd like both of you to stop and think a little about what you're both doing. MAGIC: Commercial sign now. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN ] JOEL: Thank you, Magic Voice. Excuse me while I kiss this guy. CROW: He doesn't have teeth anyway. [ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ] [ BREAK ] [ SOL. As before ] CROW: Will you still feed me? Will you still streak with me? When I'm six feet four? TOM: GYARGH! That's enough! [ Rams into CROW several times. ] [ MADS sign flashes ] JOEL: Guys, behave; E and F Hutton are calling. [ JOEL taps MADS sign ] [ D13. DR. FORRESTER is hogging the camera; TV'S FRANK, in background, is sitting at a desk, dressed like Dr. Joyce Brothers ] DR.F: Hello, Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. What sort of day have you had today? Was it the sort of day that makes you doubt your ability to prolong your futile fight against insanity? [ SOL ] JOEL: Actually, I had a pretty good day. TOM: Yeah, me too. *Overall.* CROW: I saw a firefly. [ D13 ] DR.F: Don't worry. We'll change your mind. Ready for the Invention Exchange, my little chickadees? [ SOL ] JOEL: More than ready, sir. See, we couldn't all agree on what to present. I had a wonderful idea, but I talked it over with the bots and ... CROW: We hated it. TOM: Yeah. So we did our own. [ D13 ] DR.F: Fine then. You go first *and* last. [ SOL ] JOEL: The Internet. HTML. Standardized markup languages. Java. The name of the game in computers in the 90's is platform independence. Yet ever since ENIAC was turned on, computer users have delighted in telling jokes about other computer users. CROW: [ Uninterested ] So Joel had a brain-stem-storm and devised... JOEL: [ Taking boards up from behind the desk ] Platform- independent computer jokes! Let's take a look. [ JOEL uncovers the first joke; Tom reads along, listlessly. ] TOM: How about those people who use that other computer system? Boy, are they goofy, to put up with the quirks and limits of that other computer system. No way can its strengths make up for its silliness. JOEL: See? But wait, there's more! [ JOEL uncovers next joke; Crow reads without enthusiasm. ] CROW: Look at the leading proponent of that other computer system. What a geeky geek. He's such a geek, geeks look at him like a geek. Only geeks would stick to that other computer system. [ JOEL uncovers next joke. ] JOEL: Or... "That other computer system! How dumb! And it crashes all the time! Notice you can make an acronym out of its name, about how it never works and always crashes?"...and there you have it. [ D13 ] DR.F: It's kinda crazy, but it just might work. But who cares? I have something that will definitely throw the world into chaos and let me take over. TV's Frank shall provide exposition. [ DR. F moves aside so TV's FRANK can be clearly seen ] FRANK: Hi, guys. "Ann Landers," "Dear Abby," "Ask Beth"...no matter the newspaper, no matter where in the world, there's very confused and easily lead people looking for help from newspapers. DR.F: Yes, for some reason the same population that won't trust a word a newspaper has to say about politics, government, or movie reviews will follow unquestioningly any advice given by someone with what looks like a syndicated column. And that plays right into my hands. FRANK: Next month I'm going to be "Dear TV's Frank" in over fifty newspapers in the United States and Canada! DR.F: Yes, and with our...unique...and openly evil advice column we'll have the idiot population bent to our will! Now, a sample. [ DR. F pulls out a letter ] DR.F: "Dear TV's Frank: I'm a high school student and although I've resisted the urge so far I'm feeling a lot of pressure to drink alcohol. What should I do? Signed, Languid in Lansingburgh." FRANK: [ Reading from script in best Dr. Joyce Brothers impression ] "Dear Languid: You are to be commended for your resistance. While imbhibing is one of the oldest and most nearly universal social activities the world has ever devised, you should refrain completely until your calendar age happens to meet the arbitrary and unrealistic requirements set by lawmakers grasping for an inexpensive and effortless way to buy off voters concerned about drunk driving. You should instead become addicted to sugar, caffeine and the Internet as ways to smother your desperate and doomed search for affection until you do get old enough to use alcohol to silence the desperation of your soul. Good luck!" DR.F: And there's people who will listen! Ha ha! Next? [ SOL ] [ JOEL is characteristically aghast. There is a phone book on the desk. ] CROW: Well, *our* invention is something to promote important social values needed in this modern society. It got its inspiration when Tom Servo was looking up a number in the Yellow Pages and found... TOM: I found in the bottom of the columns, when they weren't filled with phone numbers or advertisements, various bits of trivia or pro-phone-book messages, such as this one...Joel? [ JOEL holds up phone book, not that anyone can read anything. Some line of text is circled with a red marker. ] JOEL: "Using the phone book teaches children independence." TOM: It's true, it does! But why not go farther, and teach children important lessons about critical thinking? CROW: Hence, we have a phone book that teaches just that. Let's demonstrate. [ JOEL pulls out a green-colored phone book and opens it up. ] CROW: Joel, could you look up the number for a fire department? JOEL: Sure. [ Looks it up. ] "There are none." TOM: There you go, see? We learn that authority, in this case the telephone book, is not infallible. Try another one, maybe the town library. JOEL: [ Looking it up. ] Okay...uhm..."The number has a seven, a five, an eight and a three in it, but not in that order." CROW: Which teaches that even when a source--in this case the phone book--knows something, you must still think about the information it offers, and put your own work into it. Joel, if you'd look up the 800 number for subscribing to "National Geographic"? JOEL: [ Looking it up ] "We can't tell you because you wouldn't be able to use that information wisely." TOM: This teaches the valuable lesson that authority figures, in this case (again) the telephone book, will try to control and withhold information to maintain their power. CROW: It's perfect! [ D13 ] [ DR. FORRESTER is sitting at TV's FRANK's desk, to one side; FRANK is on the other, holding up an oversized card. They are seated to face each other, but DR. FORRESTER turns to view the camera. ] DR.F: You know, you might have something there, boobies. Of course, I might just have in my hand the key to your ultimate and total mental breakdown. Want to know more? FRANK: [ As on "Password" ] Owls.... DR.F: It's your and my favorite band of animated characters with heads five times the size of their bodies! Yes, fans of that video game-turned-cartoons "Sonic the Hedgehog" send off another of their agonizers. FRANK: [ As above ] Tantalus... DR.F: It's called "FX Down to Mobius," and I think you'll find this a refreshing change of pace from their usual works of ouvre in that it's not different at all. FRANK: [ As above ] Supervision... DR.F: I look forward to hearing your cries of anguish. Now get back to work. FRANK: [ As above ] Lugubrious... DR.F: [ Hitting FRANK's card onto the floor ] Would you just send them the fanfic? FRANK: But we're up for the Champions Week! DR.F: Frank! Now! Oh, guys, there's a short, some sort of argument about John Glenn not going on a space shuttle flight. Just suffer through it and let the real fuzzy-faced pain begin. [ SOL ] [ MOVIE SIGN chaos ] ALL: AAAAAAUGH! Movie sign! [ In the chaos, Joel tosses up his cards; they fall down as we go into the doors. ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL file into theater ] > Newsgroups: sci.space.shuttle CROW: Well, the group got started twenty years late by the original timetable and ran thirty-eight billion dollars over the construction budget, but it's still pretty cool. > A Moral Argument Against John Glenn Returning to Space TOM: Can *you* spot the moral of our story? Check the back of the book to see if you're right! > > The following letter was written to me by my friend, JOEL: And I passed it on to my other friend. > Jim Persons, regarding > the attempt by NASA to send John Glenn up into space again. CROW: They already bought the shuttle ticket and it's nonrefundable, so they figured, why not? > The letter > contains moral arguments which should be considered TOM: Mmmm...no, they shouldn't. > by anyone of ethical > and moral character. CROW: K and Q are moral characters. C and L, though, are total sluts. > I am sure that many will oppose his morals, JOEL: Others just hate him for personal reasons. > but it is > his right to express these morals TOM: So he will be doing a special interpretive dance. > and try and influence the public policy CROW: Fail miserably, and go back to drinking. > and stop NASA from honoring Senator Glenn with a space flight at tax-payer > expense. JOEL: And only 35 years after his scheduled flight, too. > > Any replies should be directed to: Big...@concentric.net TOM: Big Jim P, famed rapper and space program moralist. > > The letter is as follows: CROW: "To the editor: Your editorials are clearly biased!" > > The subject matter of John Glenn returning to space TOM: Is moot. > and his political > career TOM: Is also moot, strangely enough. > seem to be taken by some to be separate matters and others to be > the same matter. JOEL: Others take them as completely irrelevant to their day-to-day lives. > It depends on how you define same and separate. CROW: I define them to both be exits on the New Jersey Turnpike. > > I was in High School the day man first cleared the gravitational pull of > the Earth. JOEL: In the greatest pole vault in history. > My Senior year in High School, I wrestled - interesting TOM: No, but thanks for checking. > only > that at the semi finals I met for the first time the most awesome > wrestler I had ever seen - CROW: And I've seen seven of them! > beyond exceptional, he was the epitome of High > School wrestling JOEL: Because he was Superman. > and his name was James Buchli. TOM: He was already going by his stage name, "The Jestering Jamester." > The same Buchli that > became an astronaut. CROW: Namely, Sally Ride. > My interests were with the greatest adventure ever > undertaken by man -- JOEL: Nick at Nite's marathon of "Monkees" episodes. > the exploration of space. Fate, luck, or whatever > put me at NASA during the times of our eventual conquest of a lunar > landing. TOM: Okay, it was me ignoring the restraining order. > Stationed at Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland at this > time, I was privileged to meet some people who were more than heroes - > they were nearly Godlike to us peons. CROW: From his point of view, that would be the people who work in the gift shop, part-time. > John Glenn was one of those I met. > Heroes? TOM: Yes, please; I'll take two. > They are the faces and bodies of a collective will to achieve > "the impossible". JOEL: They are people who do not understand their vocabulary words. > This has now become our heritage and estimating from > the responses, no one challenges this. TOM: And they're all goofballs. > > John Glenn is also a man. CROW: At least until his operation is finished. JOEL: I think that's enough of that. > There is an observable anomaly with people > with regards to their heroes - once the hero has done this "heroic" > thing, they remain immune from justice or criticism. TOM: Until the press, provoked by something like the discovery of unpaid parking tickets in the hero's past, turns on them and attacks every aspect of their lives. > No better American > examples can be made than of the recent murders of OJ Simpson's ex-wife > and subsequent reentry to society unscathed save a financial cost. JOEL: Yeah, nobody paid attention to his problems. > Or > Tyson's continuing brutality - first rape, then chewing off an ear of an > opponent. TOM: Those were two of Tyson's less successful chicken recipes. > "Heroes" aren't subject to the same moral criteria as anyone > else? Tyson's "punishment" is that he ONLY gets 27 million dollars > instead of 30 million? JOEL: That is before taxes, though. > 27 million dollars to throw a fight and disfigure > an opponent in a competition that is suppose to be a sport? CROW: You'd think he was a boxer or something. > The anomaly > is that the "good" this person did outweighs the bad he continues to do. TOM: It has? > Step from there to a factual discussion of Adolph Hitler's judgment by > mankind. CROW: I never before realized how similar Adolph Hitler and Mike Tyson were. > Hitler organized a broken country, brought it from economic > chaos to a country of power, saw to it his people all had jobs TOM: And gave letters of recomendation when their war crime trials came up. > and a > vision of self worth and temporarily expanded his country's land area - CROW: Got self esteem problems? Feeling down about yourself? Try annexing Czechoslovakia! The one sure-sure perk-me-up. > all these things historically signified that the leader was a great man, > yet look where it led. JOEL: Eternal reruns on The History Channel. > A little tiny country that has already been > ravaged by the first World War again rises to be a force that came within > a hair's breath of conquering the world and his judgment is - "maniac" - > for the systematic execution of 7 million Jews. TOM: Yeah, they do keep throwing that in Hitler's face. What about his fine dental hygeine? > I concur with the > definition of "maniac", JOEL: And reality thanks you for checking back in. > but not just for the Jews because there were > Poles, Russians, etc. as well. CROW: Uh--okay. > I mention Hitler and the Holocaust and > his judgment for that event to invite comparison. JOEL: Comparison to...waffle irons? Gerbils? Niobium? What? TOM: Careful, Joel. He might tell us. > Each year millions of > unborn children are systematically executed via abortion. John > Glenn is pro-abortion. Adolph Hitler was a hero in his > country prior to his demise - Glenn is a hero in this country. TOM: Hitler had a secretary named Glenn; Glenn had a secretary... > Do we > "love" our heroes so much we would permit anything? CROW: Only if they get the Deluxe Hero Package. > The Germans did - > they thought it was right too. JOEL: So the Holocaust would not have happened if Gordon Cooper had been the first US astronaut to orbit the Earth? CROW: I always said NASA didn't appreciate ol' Gordo. > If you have missed the point of this > paragraph, TOM: So did the author. > it wasn't to make believe Glenn is a modern day Hitler - I > would have said so CROW: Like I just did. > in as many words if I thought that- it is to > challenge your position relative to right and wrong, not hero vs. villain. JOEL: And we'll get to that challenge in a minute, but first, let's check our pledge boards and then go on to the next segment of the new Ken Burns documentary, "White Castle." > Villains can and do great things, heroes can and do vile things CROW: Like not washing their hands after using the bathroom. Gross! > - attach > credence to the deed, JOEL: Attach Credence To The Deed would be a good name for a band. > not the man who once did something we admire. TOM: So let's just all hate Tiger Woods now. > > The Constitution of the United States is defined within as being founded > "under God". JOEL: In the part of the Constitution Big Jim made up. > That statement means application of laws of God when in > opposition to will of man. CROW: This brings new dimensions to the Commerce Clause. > Some of us call ourselves "conservatives" TOM: Others call us "Mister Pouty Pantses." > with the intended meaning that our founders were correct CROW: Every single alcoholic, adulterous, slave-owning one of them! > and we should > align our behavior JOEL: So everybody who has ethical crises, face true North and it'll be cleared up. > to the laws that have been handed down by a greater > authority than man. CROW: Namely, woman! > That kind of "conservative" has no party ties other > than JOEL: To Kenny and Ray's roving Party Van. > those which best represent what is morally correct. Both parties > have such links to the morally correct view CROW: But they're doing their best to cover them up. > and both have ties to immoral > values. JOEL: Like "sampling" the grapes in the supermarket before buying them. > I voted for Jimmy Carter TOM: Oh, you're the guy? > the first time and was disappointed in > his performance. CROW: The second time, I brought fresh batteries and we were both thrilled! JOEL: Behave. > Until Clinton became your president (I refuse to accept > him as my president), TOM: Danged Canadians! > Jimmy Carter would have gone down in history as the > most ineffectual president of our country. CROW: Because I've never heard of Martin Van Buren, William Harrison, John Tylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, James Garfield, Chester Alan Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, Warren G. Harding, Herbert Hoover, Gerald Ford, or George Bush. > History would also show he > was one of the best men who has ever held the office (morally). JOEL: 'Cause history never found out about his wife-swapping ring. > Whoever > supports the role as Clinton as president has also accepted a belief that CROW: Their lives interact with reality. > man can do as he chooses without consequence for it. Something he is > proving by his continued tenure as your president. TOM: In other news, the other women's basketball league, not the WNBA, officially asked the media today to at least remember they exist. > Here is a man with > whom past business partners are continually being imprisoned for types of > fraud or other illegal activities, JOEL: Just like every other President in history. > whose first bill signed into law was to > give homosexuals access to the military CROW: Well, technically, it was declaring July to be National Iced Cappucino Month; the whole homosexuals thing was in an amendment. > (God calls homosexuals > "abominations") TOM: Nooo; he calls them late at night and hangs up when they answer. > , whose past employees get killed off (like the Foster > thing), JOEL: It is an effective way to cut down on employees printing their resumes on the good printer, though. > who makes sexual and lurid remarks to subordinate employees > (impending lawsuit), JOEL: From The Frugal Gourmet, strangely enough. > who is either pro issue or anti issue depending on TOM: His Magic 8-Ball. > what the expected response should be, who claims credit for things not of > his doing CROW: Yeah, remember when Clinton tried to claim credit for the discovery of Neptune? > that are working and passes "blame" for things of his doing > that are not working to others, JOEL: Which is different from every other politician in history...how, exactly? > who when accused and demanded for > documents, those same disappear then mysteriously reappear and again > no one faults him for it. CROW: Another tragic instance of grammar being used as a deadly weapon. > A man who can lie right to your face about > things you know to be different and you will agree with him. TOM: John W. Campbell? > Is that a > reflection of what kind of people we have become? JOEL: A nation of boogerheads? > Is that a partisan > issue or a country issue? CROW: It's actually a funding referendum issue, on the next board of education ballot. > If I were a Democrat, JOEL: [ Singing, as in start of "Hakuna Matata." ] If I were a Dem-o-crat! > should I support Clinton > merely based on the fact that he is one too? TOM: But enough about me. Does that Kodak "Gold Max" film really respond well to low light? > > If it is bad for the country, CROW: It's probably fun. > then supporting someone who upholds the bad > is a statement of one's own position. JOEL: Conversely, one can collect expired aspirin tablets in the hopes of getting a complete set. > This country was founded "under God" TOM: And just to the left of Storrs, Connecticut. > and while it operated "under God" it rose to stand as the most righteous > government ever to exist. CROW: Except, of course, for the Department of Agriculture, which has always been filled by satanists. > Freedoms for individuals that have never been > before TOM: Like the freedom to use scotch tape! JOEL: Or the freedom to collect string! CROW: The freedom to have 'WKRP In Cincinaati' on your cable dial! > - now taken as birthright. Those things come with a price tag -- CROW: Fourteen dollars and ninety-seven cents. > which is to remain "under God". JOEL: Wasn't this about the space shuttle at some point? > For some of us "conservatives", TOM: It's no longer enough to have just two country music channels. We want more! > the > birthright is to be "under God" CROW: Or at least to be incredibly self-righteous. > and the freedoms we enjoy are the price > tags. TOM: And the author spins out of control. > That is what is being undermined by Clinton and Glenn and the rest > of their cohorts. CROW: Like the people who invented Glade Plug-In Air Freshentrs. > If that is partisan, JOEL: Then let us all party. > they need to look at their party. CROW: "Jenga" really stinks after a while. > Same can be said for Republicans. TOM: Or we can just spit in their eyes. > The question is and should always be, > what is good for the country and while I have just told you what that is, CROW: The author has an innovative way of defining "question." > JFK (a Democrat) made a point of reminding us of that in > his inaugural address. TOM: Right after his housekeeping tips and before outlining his method of organizing recipes. > > As for defending John Glenn's alleged record - JOEL: He sang a pretty good "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," but really blew it on the theme to "The Love Boat." > if it is accurate, you are > defending repetitive Holocaust via abortion, the internal decay of moral > values TOM: So be sure to use your flouridated moral toothpaste. > which begets the crime you are seeing from the young, CROW: This is what happens when a mental CD skips a track. > you are your > own worst enemy. JOEL: And your enemy is your own worst you. > > Perhaps I have outlived my time here, TOM: Or just worn out his welcome. > for what I want in my country is > freedom to walk the streets at night CROW: Wearing my dresses. > anywhere I choose and not be > accosted, JOEL: 'Cause I'm white! > freedom to raise my children in ethical and moral ways TOM: Is he going to get to subliminal messages in "Animaniacs" anytime soon? > which > means they would not be taught by homosexuals CROW: This guy wants a V-chip on life. > or be taught that > homosexuality is an "option". JOEL: Ignoring the past entirety of recorded history indicating it is one of the available options. > Neither would they be led to believe that > abortion is an alternative for their own sexual misconduct. CROW: Abortion, or sexual misconduct? Well, I know what I'd go with. > This country > needs an enema because the [ bleep ] JOEL: Hey! Watch it, there's young robots here. > has risen to the top. TOM: A metaphor that leaves you wanting...to go read something else. > > To make John Glenn accountable for his alignment CROW: Oh, sheesh, now he's going on about Dungeons and Dragons. JOEL: Yeah, that paranoia is so early-80s. > to these negative values > is TOM: Real negative. > public service because I think John Glenn is a better man than he is now CROW: So my entire talk is pointless. > showing us he is. See what he does about it. JOEL: Or do something interesting instead. > In the mean time, keep John > Glenn earthbound, > CROW: And the letter just sort of dribbles off. > Please address all responses to Big...@concentric.net JOEL: And we'll leave the light on for you. TOM: Well; that was unpleasant. JOEL: Yeah; let's blow this popsicle stand. CROW: Right. [ ALL file out of theater ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. CROW and TOM SERVO are sitting in big overstuffed chairs in front of the table, wearing robes and chatting. ] CROW: [ Pretentious voice ] But what you ignore is the many examples of such stories foreshadowed in "Legend of Zelda" fanfics... TOM: [ Similar voice ] Phooey! Phooey! What of "Q*Bert" fanfics? What of the legendary "Pac-Land: The Further Adventures" compiled by Marshak and Culbreth? What about them? CROW: What *about* them? There's clearly no insight to be gained by such a meandering diversion. [ JOEL jogs in, with a towel wrapped around his neck, shadow-boxing every few steps. GYPSY is 'running' alongside him, wearing a sign marked 'COACH' ] JOEL: Hey, guys. What're you doing? CROW: [ Back to normal voice ] Oh, heya, Joel. We're bracing for the Sonic fanfic. You? JOEL: [ Some more punches ] Doing the same. Trying to psych myself up for it. GYPSY: So we're taking a break now? JOEL: Well, we're up for a little one, Gypsy. You guys don't look very prepared for this. TOM: We're trying a different approach. CROW: Yeah. We're trying to figure out why people are obsessing on "Sonic the Hedgehog," in the hopes that understanding why people keep returning to this particular continuity helps us better cope with what they write. JOEL: Oh. Gosh, I figured it was just that by projecting themselves into a world ravaged by chaos and confusion, and then being able to resolve any of the problems seen therein, they reaffirm their own ability to face personal lives ravaged by the chaos and confusion of modern society and then make those sensible and reconcilable to their own desires and ambitions. [ A beat ] TOM: [ Angrily ] Thanks for wrecking our fun, Joel. CROW: Yeah, nice going. Does Doctor Will Miller know you're stealing his schtick? JOEL: I'm sorry! CROW: You're sorry. What are *we* supposed to do now? TOM: Go on! Get out of here. Leave us to our misery. JOEL: Guys, I was just trying to help. GYPSY: We have to get back to the sprints and jumping rope, Joel. JOEL: All right, okay...talk to you later, guys. [ JOEL wanders off, stage left. GYPSY follows. ] CROW: Yeah, yeah. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ] TOM: Get out the Atari 2600. I found our "Dig Dug" cartridge. CROW: Cool. [ BREAK ] =========== From: ma...@infinet.com (Matthew Miller) Subject: [MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (2/4) Date: 1997/12/09 Message-ID: X-Deja-AN: 296504371 NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 00:32:17 EST Organization: InfiNet Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc [ ALL file into theater ] > "FX DOWN TO MOBIUS" TOM: FX Down to Mobius City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. > > By G. T. Ettinger III JOEL: Fanfic writer and international mutual fund portfolio advisor. > > Sonic the Hedgehog and all other related characters are copyrighted > property of Service and Games (SEGA), JOEL: I didn't know Sega stood for anything. CROW: Oh, yeah, like they strongly support oxygen and lemonade and toothpicks and stuff. > Archie Comic Publications and/or > DiC productions. TOM: We don't know either. > > Note From the Author: I am a new STH FanFic writer and I would like to > know the opinion of my readers. CROW: We'll do our best. TOM: Mind you, getting to us is a pretty good indicator. > I'm not sure if I stink or not, JOEL: I sometimes wonder if Shakespeare ever wondered if he stank. TOM: He did live three hundred years before soap was popular, Joel. JOEL: True. > so > please E-mail me at etti...@tir.com. Please do not judge my story CROW: Just give me your opinion on it. > as dumb and "Non-Sonic" because of the beginning. TOM: Wait until the end to hate it. > Sonic will appear > in this story, but only near the end. JOEL: And we'll be giving a prize to the first person who spots him, so have your note cards ready. > This story mainly introduces > a new character. CROW: Because nobody likes the old characters. > To other FanFic writers: This story introduces a > new character TOM: You know, I'd heard that. > and, if you ask me, you may use him as you wish in your > own stories. CROW: As a teddy bear. > If you do use him, PLEASE do not, I repeat, do NOT > change him, kill him or cripple him. JOEL: Make sure there isn't a smidgen of character development. > The Story May Begin: TOM: Oh, *may* it? > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Sitting at his comm post, Fred (or "Freddy" as he preferred to be > called) the Ferret leaned back in his chair with his standard laziness, > which some could consider "impolite." CROW: Others would consider it "vermicelli." > But, he had an excuse for his > boredom this time, TOM: Because he read the fanfic ahead of time. > because Ferretara, his planet, CROW, TOM: [ Snicker ] JOEL: Some folks never recover from the ThunderCats. > had not received a > single message in months. CROW: A planet full of people, and not one of them has a friend? > The recent decrease in comm activity had > forced him to take a strong dislike to his job. JOEL: Man, being paid for doing nothing all day is crummy, huh? > But, better a bad > job than no job at all, he always said. CROW: Over and over and over again. > He was so immersed in his > daydreaming that he didn't notice his girlfriend Elizabeth come up > behind him. > "How's the job going?" she asked, causing Freddy to fall off > his chair. TOM: Aaaah! JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar! > "Huh? Oh, yeah, my job...Well, you know, same as usual..." he > said, slowly trailing off. TOM: "I have no idea what I'm doing." > "That bad, eh?" she said, rolling her eyes. Freddy attempted > to crack a grin, but noticeably failed. Liz's grin grew even wider, CROW: Ha-ha! JOEL: Stuff is funny! > and wider still as she watched Freddy try and get back into his chair > while in a dazed state. TOM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. > "I gave him quite a scare this time....as if > it wasn't easy to tell...." she murmured to herself. CROW: Why? > Freddy, who had > finally gotten back into his chair, JOEL: [ As Freddy ] "I, uh, forgot how to work the chair." > caught a few of her words and was > about ask her what she had said, when his comm line beeped. CROW: [ As Freddy ] "Oh! I had the silly comm thing on 'mute'!" TOM: Moot? CROW: Maybe. > "A message? Wow. I never dreamt it possible. We haven't had any > messages for only TWO MONTHS!!!" Freddy said, annoyed. TOM: So he's bored when there's nothing to do, and now that there's something to do, he's upset about it. > "Just answer it, you piece of cheese!" Liz quickly snapped. JOEL: Insults fresh from First Grade to your fanfic. > "Okay, okay. Geez...if only she were the comm operator...she'd > be annoyed too, I'd bet. If only....." Freddy replied, twice as annoyed > as he was at first. CROW: He's got something of a temper problem, doesn't he? > "Hello? This is Ferretara comm station 303. Calling 205, over." JOEL: Bingo. Over. > Said the voice on the other side. Freddy sighed, picked up the mike > and sent out the reply. TOM: Okay, how about Petaluma? > "Comm station 205 here, 303. What's going on?" > he asked the other station. CROW: "Oh, did we call Comm Station 205? We meant to call 'Com Station Friendless Loser Ferret Planet.'" JOEL: You be nice, Crow. > "We're detecting meteorite activity in your area! Check your > scanners!" JOEL: Watch the skies! > Sure enough, a strange rock had crashed into the ground > nearby. > "I'll go see if I can retrieve any pieces of that thing. CROW: Yeah, there's a *chance* there won't be weird radioactive goop that turns you into an evil pod-clone-zombie-killer that has to be subdued by a couple branches of the armed forces in that meteorite. > Those > guys at the Ferretropolis Labs might like to get their hands on a > meteorite, TOM: "I'll just throw it through their window at 4 a.m., then run away real fast." > seeing as most of em are smashed in the asteroid field," > Freddy said. JOEL: Huh? > Freddy jumped into a hovercar and went to the crash site, CROW: Actually, he crashed the car into the com panel. The goof. > 3 miles > away. He waved his hand around the meteorite. TOM: [ As Freddy ] "Huh...labelled 'Chunk of Deep 13'...wonder what that means." > Strangely, it wasn't > giving off any heat. CROW: Instead it gave out coupons to a new bar downtown. > He quickly grabbed a piece of the rock and jumped > into the car. It didn't start. "Shoot. This rock put the engine on > the fritz." JOEL: You have to turn the key first. > he said to himself. He got out and ran towards the > Ferretropolis Laboratory with the rock. TOM: Shame he didn't have a cell phone. JOEL: Even if he did, he's the one who's supposed to watch the comm. TOM: Oh yeah. > But there was mine between > him and the lab. CROW: Mine what? JOEL: What's mine is mine. > A NegaGem mine. NegaGems were a source of power. > Not magical or anything, TOM: Really! No! Not at all! Just when it advances the plot. > just full of power and radiation. Forgetting > either it's existence or it's location, he tripped and fell in. CROW: [ Snickers ] TOM: This is a refreshing change. JOEL: Freddy's one of the least competent protagonists we've had in a long while. > Inside, the energies in the meteorite and the gems mixed into him > and did something amazing.... JOEL: They let him get through two paragraphs without tripping, falling, stumbling, or breaking something? > Freddy came to after a few hours. He was still in the mine. TOM: I don't mean to gripe, but wouldn't a mine for something as vaguely powerful as these NegaGems be marked or guarded or something? > "Hmm......" he began to speculate what had happened, "I must have > fallen into the mine, hit my head, and conked out. CROW: You were there when it happened, Freddy. > Oh my gosh!!! > Look at the time!!! I should have been back to my post hours ago!!! TOM: Now, see, I personally would worry about being stuck in a mine, injured, out of contact, with no one aware of his current location. > Man, am I in deep sludge now...." > He ran to his hovercar and hopped in. JOEL: So...this mine was, like, one foot deep? > He couldn't get it to > start. "Oh yeah," he said to himself, "The meteorite conked out the > pulse drive CROW: Maybe he just left the headlights on. > .....Oh no!!! Where _is_ the meteorite? TOM: Just think of the last place you'd look for it and start there. > Too late to look > for it now.....I gotta get back to my post!" CROW: Yeah, a second call might come in any month now. > As he ran toward the > city, he noticed that it had started to rain. JOEL: Then suddenly he noticed he was in a completely different fanfic from the one he started in. > He kept running. All > of the sudden, he started to feel strange. TOM: All of the sudden? > "What the......Augh!!!!" He began to float into the air. CROW: Actually, the ground just sank underneath him. TOM: Neat. > His > hands began to glow with blue light. "Wha-what s happening to me?" > he stammered. JOEL: I'm...being drawn with an editor's pencil! > Suddenly, the energy in him burst out of his hands, TOM: But since it was all potential energy, nobody noticed it. > circled him, and then crashed into him. CROW: He just knocked himself out, didn't he? JOEL: This guy can't get a break. > He was glowing all over, > and a yellow streak masked his eyes. TOM: I--I can't see! I can't see! JOEL: The world looks like mustard! > He slowly was lowered to the > ground. After checking himself over, he stammered out a single word: > "Coooool....." CROW: I have to give him that. JOEL: Yeah, me too. TOM: Yeah, that is pretty cool. > He thought of something. "Maybe the NegaGems and that Meteorite > charged me with power.... TOM: Maybe he shouldn't try to figure it out right now. > I wonder why this happened to me right now, > then, why not while I was in the mine.....Wait, of course!!" He > snapped his fingers. JOEL: The gardener is *left-handed*, so Lord Buttons couldn't possibly have been the murderer! > "NegaGems are most powerful underwater be cause > of the hydrogen and oxygen content! CROW: What? TOM: Huh? > Since it was raining, I was > exposed to water!!! JOEL: Yeah, but you lost the meteorite before it rained. CROW: Maybe he accidentally swallowed it or it rained while he was unconscious or something. JOEL: Okay, maybe. > That's what happened!!! What does the hydrogen do, > then?" TOM: Fred. It explodes violently. Don't mess with it. > He decided to find out. He closed his eyes and concentrated. CROW: On what? > His hands began to glow. Then, all of the sudden, a small fireball > came out of his hand, torching a small sapling. TOM: So...he's setting fire by using water, right? JOEL: Have to wonder if NASA's explored this little quirk of water. > Thanks to the heavy > downpour, the sapling didn't stay on fire for very long. "What does > the oxygen do?" he concentrated once again. CROW: Boost flammability to the extent that instant death arises from almost any minor spark? > He began to feel wind > going through his fur. He rose into the air. "This rocks!!! Now I can > get back to my post in no time!!" JOEL: His first impulse on achieving the dream of unaided flight is to use it to shorten his commute time? > > He flew back to the comm station. Before going in, he managed to > figure out a way to "power down." CROW: You know, I hear this story was written in a single draft. JOEL: No! CROW: Yeah, no revisions or anything. TOM: You don't say. > He met Liz inside. "Where have you > been?" she demanded. > "It's a long story." He replied. > "Well here's a bigger story." JOEL: Then she handed him a Mitchner novel. > she said, "Planet Phero has declared > war on us........" TOM: Phero, home planet of iron and magnetism. > "What do you mean, 'they've declared war on us'?" He yelped. > "Just what it sounds like, duh!" She replied. > "But why? Why declare war on us? What did we do?" CROW: Their official declaration mentioned something about Ferretara being "just plain goofy." > Freddy said. > He gulped after finishing his sentence. TOM: He can't swallow the story either. JOEL: C'mon, both of you play nice now. > "How should I know? One minute that weird Pheorian comm operator > asks to see our superior, Regg Donner, CROW: I mention his name in case you forgot who your boss is. > and the next minute the Superior > is telling us not to panic!" she explained. "Anyway, where have you > been? TOM: Gee, you'd think with the war and all, where he's been wouldn't be that important. > You were gone hours! That rock couldn't have been THAT heavy!" JOEL: Yeah, the people at the lab wouldn't be talking with him, or asking about the area where it was found, or anything. > Freddy briefly told her what had happened, but it was clear that > she didn't believe him. "You have got to get a better excuse than that! > What REALLY happened?" She asked again. TOM: Only the next time she asked, she said, "Who wrote the story 'Blue Men of Yrano'?" > "You don't believe me? Get me a glass of water and I'll prove it!" > He said. JOEL: He'll instantly tell you whether it's half full or half empty! > "Water? What kind of fool do you take me for??? I have never felt > this INSULTED!!!!!" she screamed, then turned away. CROW: Lucky he didn't ask for Mountain Dew. > "Okay, I'll get it." He walked off, then came back after a few > minutes. TOM: "I'm lost." > "Okay, now watch this!" She watched him pour the water onto > his hands. CROW: And now he's going to make some bread dough! Nothing can stop him! > "I'm waiiitti--What the heck.......?!" Freddy hands had begun to > glow. "Man alive, what's going on???!!!" she stammered. > Freddy's eyes began to glow until light was blasting out his eyes. JOEL: The war and the meteorite weren't enough, now he's swallowed a flashlight! > The glowing had stopped, and Freddy could be seen with an almost evil > grin on his face. "Whoa, proved ME wrong!" she stammered. TOM: Freddy, you've mastered the ability to...uh...what, again? > "By the way," Freddy began, "What on Ferretara is a man? Whatever > it is, it sure sounds like something dumb." CROW: Which makes it different...oh, forget it. I don't have the heart. > Liz replied, "I dunno, I just heard it somewhere. Anyway, the > Government needs recruits for the new army, JOEL: 'Cause we noticed how many doofuses were in the established army. > the FDAF, short for > Ferretara Defense and Attack Force. TOM: And she told us the acronym because...? JOEL: At least the story's written to Associated Press stylebook standards. > They could really use you, what > with your powers and all." > "I don't know..." He replied slowly, "Do you plan to sign up? CROW: At least for the walleyball special forces unit? > You're not a bad fighter yourself." > She thought for a minute. "I guess I'll sign up if you do." TOM: Are we going to have study hall the same period? > "Well then," he said, "it seems to be settled. Where do we > sign up?" JOEL: Freddy is taking all of this rather nonchalantly, actually. CROW: Yeah, I mean, his day...first activity on the job in two months, gaining superpowers, planet going to war, joining the army... he's acting like all he got was a notice his bank was issuing new checks to all its account holders. > Liz went over to a CPU terminal and typed a few keys. "According > to this, it's at Comm Station 118 from 14:00 to 16:00...uh oh." > "What?" he asked. TOM: The clock only goes up to 12:00. > "Comm station 118 is pretty far away. Even > taking a HyperPortal couldn't get us there in time." CROW: So, to repel an alien invasion, they're making an army, but they've got only one recruiting station, and it's only going to be open for two hours for the whole war? > HyperPortals took > them to any different area in Ferretropolis in a split second. The > problem was that there were so many Comm Stations in Ferretropolis > that they couldn't have a portal near each one. TOM: They have a jillion comm stations that see *no* activity for months on end; but they have instantaneous transportation, but don't build up lots of the portal stations. Is anyone in charge of this planet? > "Oh no!" Freddy cried. > "It's already 15:15! We can't make- waitaminute!" > "What is it?" asked Liz. JOEL: If we can combine the great tastes of lemon and lyme in one liquid, we can make a fantastic iced tea flavoring! > "I can fly us there!" Freddy explained, "If I go fast enough, we > can just make it! If we can't make it, TOM: We'll hide out in Canada! > then we get stuck as civilians > on the Middle Planet." The Middle Planet was a small planet that was > between Ferretara and Phero CROW: So the planets in their solar system are thumbtacked in place? > that was too far away from Phero for them > to scan it and know that it's there, but close enough to Ferretara for > the Ferretarans to find it. JOEL: They kept it in their third drawer, next to their woolly sweaters. TOM: Wait, wait. The Middle Planet is between Ferretara and Phero, and Phero can detect Ferretara, but can't detect the Middle Planet? CROW: That's about the size of it. > After landing on it, they set up a large > Holo-Emitter and Deflector Shield generator. That way, the planet was > invisible and had an atmospheric shield in case of an attack. TOM: Yeah, you wouldn't want those things on your *inhabited* planet. > After about a half-hour, they arrived at the station with 15 > minutes to spare. CROW: This story's time-coded so you know it's fresh. > "Whew," Freddy began as he wiped his forehead, > "I was afraid we wouldn't make it and be sent to the Middle Planet. JOEL: So...in times of war, they abandon their entire economy, infrastructure, and cultural base? > I went there once, and it was BORING!". They got in the back of line, > which, unsurprisingly, wasn't a very long one. TOM: So they're going to have an army of about ten people? > "You've been to the Middle Planet?", asked Liz. > "Yeah, a few years ago on one of my Dad's scientific trips. He > was going to meet the head engineer to discuss the matter of an > atmospheric shield setup." He replied. CROW: [ As Liz ] You had a Dad? JOEL: [ As Freddy ] Yeah, a few years ago on one of my planets' atmospheric tests. > After a few more minutes, it was their turn to sign up. TOM: And they found out they were in the line for getting drivers' licenses and boy did *they* feel like goofs. > "Okay, > next." said the fat white ferret behind the counter in a rather grumpy > voice. JOEL: So very grumpy. CROW: He just misses his mommy. > "Type yer name here," he said, pointing to a small compad > computer. TOM: Awfully loose entry requirements for their army. > Freddy signed his name as "FX," which was a childhood > nickname that some old friends liked calling him because as a child, > he was good at making weird sound effects with his computerized sound > editor. CROW: This planet is going to hand out weapons to all its A/V geeks? JOEL: Inside of two weeks, individual acts of revenge would see every junior high school in the world blown up. > After all, in the Ferretaran army, you could have a codename > if you wanted. TOM: They're thoughtful that way. > Liz wrote her name (Liz was proud of her name, so she > didn't really want a codename), then they were taken to the test area JOEL: "Uh, sir, we were told that in the new Army there wouldn't be word problems." > where they had to prove their usefulness to the army with a ProtoLaser > rifle and a diamantium cube. CROW: Diamantium? TOM: This reads like one of those alternate histories the Star Trek characters keep falling into. > Diamantium was a rare substance found > only on the Middle Planet that was able to take many ProtoLaser shots > without being damaged. JOEL: It shared this wonderful property with magazine subscription cards. > Liz went first, making a small gray circle > near the center of the target on the large cube with a well-placed > ProtoLaser blast. TOM: So you can only join the Army if you're already Army-trained. JOEL: Looks like. > "Okay, you're in, Miss...," the fat ferret looked > at the compad, "Liz." > When Freddy's turn came, he decided to test his fireball powers. CROW: I guess they didn't have a 'miscellaneous' line on the recruitment form. > He still had a little charge from the glass of water he dumped on his > hands earlier and began to charge his hands. JOEL: Revenge of the Puttermans. > As Freddy's hands began > to glow, the fat ferret (who still hadn't given his name) wondered > what he was up to. TOM: [ As the recruiting officer ] "Aw, not *another* guy who got hit by a meteor and developed weird powers." > Freddy unleashed three small fireballs, making a > small crater in the Diamantium. CROW: "Hey! We were saving that!" > The check-in ferret gaped at Freddy, > and finally said, "You're definitely in. JOEL: Seeing as how you're a freak and all. > I suggest that you check in > with the general before you go down to the base. TOM: He's the only one who knows where the base is. > He's in that Shuttle > over there.", he said, pointing to a small shuttle that had landed a > few blocks away. CROW: Why, there's a shuttle over there. TOM: Story promises, story delivers. > As he left with Liz, the Check-in ferret turned to > a Comm Radio and signaled the general. JOEL: "Honey, how was your day?" > "Hey Rob, some new recruit is > comin' to see ya', and wait'll you see what he can do............" CROW: Ooh, look, he's got a caterpillar in his sentence. > Freddy rapped on the shuttle door. The door opened. A ferret > in red uniform stepped out. TOM: Why'd you wrap my door? > "Oh yeah," he grunted, "You must be 'dat > new recruit. Come on in." JOEL: Dat danged ding dere duz diddly. > They stepped into the shuttle. "I'll tell > 'ya one thing, mac," the general spoke, "I'm not gonna waste my time > talkin' to recruits who can't do squat. CROW: But first things first. Are you wearing any socks I can steal? > This trick of yours had > better be REAL good." TOM: [ As Freddy ] Well, I saw David Blaine do this one once, how hard can it be? > Freddy knew how much hydrogen and oxygen was in just a teaspoon > of water, CROW: And he wasn't encumbered by any considerations for the principles of chemistry or physics... > so he was pretty sure that he had enough charge to blast a > few fireballs. Although, shooting fireballs inside the generals' > private shuttle was, of course, not a good idea. JOEL: But it'd be cool, so he did it anyway. > He flared up his > hands so that small fireballs circled his arms. TOM: "Uh...help me? I'm on fire here...no, really, I mean..." > The general gaped. "How in the heck are you doing that???" the > general stammered. JOEL: "The best I can do is make little balls of milk duds circle my head!" > "It's a long story." Freddy replied. CROW: And I should start off my military career by needlessly antagonizing any potential future commanding officers. > "But anyway, what now? I'm > surely more useful than any ensign." TOM: I can do parlor tricks; therefore military discipline and training are inapplicable. > The general thought for a minute. "Well pal, I guess that I could > let you start as a Trained Lieutenant." JOEL: Ensigns, Lieutenants, and Generals, in one Army. > Freddy pondered on this and then asked the general a question, > "What about my friend, Liz? She's pretty experienced TOM: [ As General ] "I know...erp, I mean..." > as a fighter." TOM: [ As General ] "Yeah, that's what I meant." > The general thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, I guess she > could. CROW: Not that I've ever met her. > But this is just a favor for you. We really think you could > be useful." Liz and Freddy hi-fived. ALL: [ Suddenly spotting Liz ] Aaaah! JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar! > "Thanks, General..." > The general cut in, "Rob. Call me Rob." CROW: But your name's Dave. > "Okay, thanks, Rob. > Oh, and my name is Freddy, but you can call me FX." > "FX?" Rob looked puzzled. TOM: No, FX. > "It's an old nickname. See ya!" He and Liz left the shuttle. > "Let's get to the base.", Freddy said to Liz, "Then we can meet the > rest of the squad." They headed off toward the base. CROW: And they immediately get lost. > When they got there, they were greeted by various black, white > and brown ferrets JOEL: And one very confused wombat. > with their tails covered by cloth bands of a few > different colors. TOM: Not to mention the radio collars to track their migration patterns. > When you wear a band on your tail, the color shows > what job you have. JOEL: So all you kids at home, put some ribbons on your tails...now! > The more jobs, the more colored bands. The number > of colored stripes showed the ferret's experience. CROW: Somehow, Freddy manages to have a negative number of colored stripes on his tail. > They are mostly > worn to look formal. Freddy had red, yellow, and blue bands that meant > he had been an engineer, a scientist, then a comm officer. TOM: Supplementary exposition provided by Stephen Ratliff. > They were introduced to the members of the squad. JOEL: Scooby, Shaggy, Freddy and Daphne, Velma, and the tough but caring sargeant, played by William Bendix. > Out of all > of them, Freddy was most intrigued by Roger Rockner, CROW: ...and the American Eagles Squadron! > code-named > "Rox." He was a scientist who, like Freddy, had strange powers > given to him by the meteorite that had recently landed. TOM: [ Giggling ] Lot of magic meteorites show up on Sonic fanfics. > While > experimenting with a piece of the rock that some other scientist > had picked up for him, he accidentally triggered a small explosion CROW: That killed him instantly. > that gave him the ability to shape-shift. JOEL: With concentration, he can transform himself into a toaster oven. > Freddy knew this was > going to be one heck of a good squad against Phero. TOM: Maybe, but I'd still organize a second squad, sometime. CROW: Two days later, the planet was destroyed. JOEL: Oop, time for cookies, everybody. [ ALL file out of theater ] [ BREAK ] =============== From: ma...@infinet.com (Matthew Miller) Subject: [MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (3/4) Date: 1997/12/09 Message-ID: X-Deja-AN: 296504380 NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 00:33:01 EST Organization: InfiNet Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc [ SOL ] CROW: Maybe it's me, Joel, but I just can't get that excited about reading yet another fanfic in which yet another young and blandly genial protagonist gains superpowers. TOM: It just seems to happen all the time. JOEL: There's good reason we keep seeing it, guys. The idea of sudden transformation into a more powerful being is an archetype. TOM: Archy-what? CROW: Whatchoo talking about, Robinson? JOEL: Archetypes are story ideas that are are so universal, and so important, that they become popular components for building a story. Consider the sudden-superhero plot we see. This can symbolize a person's adolescence, the sudden change from a child to an adult. CROW: Sounds like a nice way of saying it's a cliche. Why does the guy have to turn into something super-powerful, anyway? TOM: Yeah. It'd be a lot neater if, one of these times, instead of transforming into some superpowered guy, he instead gained a light coat of confectioner's sugar. CROW: Right! Or if he suddenly gained the ability to make both sides of the aluminum foil shiny, at will! JOEL: Those don't really reflect the sudden growth of abilities and responsibilities reflected by adulthood, which is what makes superpowers so appealing in a transformation. CROW: What, adults never gain abilities that, while neat, aren't really useful? TOM: As soon as somebody hits puberty, they're no longer surrounded by great and powerful forces irreconcilable to their own wishes? CROW: Like you, Joel. For all the good becoming an adult did *you*, you might as well have the ability to make used toothbrushes become firm and new again. JOEL: You'd be surprised how often that'd be useful. TOM: Joel Robinson: Able to tell at a glance whether a given roll of film is exposed or not! CROW: Exposed to a dose of an experimental biochemical compound, forensic pathologist Joel Robinson finds that he looks human... he acts human...but he's quite skilled at making flatulence noises by squeezing his hands together. Joel Robinson is "Joelcy"! TOM: Coming this fall to CBS. JOEL: All right, all right, you guys. You see, though, even though you're not trying to, you're building up stories using a classic archetype. CROW: Heeeey! TOM: Wow! JOEL: And that's my point. TOM: That it's impossible to write stories that aren't at heart cliches? CROW: That any idea you have can be reduced to something stupid and that's been seen before? TOM: And therefore that fiction is inherently content-free? JOEL: [ After several beats ] Um...I guess. [ MOVIE SIGN ] CROW, TOM: Aaaaah! Movie sign! [ They run off stage ] JOEL: Whatever. [ Shuffles off stage ] [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ] [ ALL settle in ] > > -------------------------------------- > 7 Months Later > -------------------------------------- > > The war was being won. But not by Ferretara. JOEL: Maybe they should've tried fighting back. > To the FDAF's > horror, they found themselves up against an army TOM: The one thing they hadn't planned on fighting. > of robotic ferrets > calling themselves "Mechrets." There was one larger, more powerful > Mechret. CROW: The legendary fighter, Voltron. > One that called itself "ProtoStar." JOEL: But its friends could call it "Larry." > The Pheorians revealed > their intentions during an intense battle. TOM: Actually, I think the first battle kind of signalled their intentions. > It had turned out that > Phero had been flooded with radiation and they needed a new place to > perform their "experiments." JOEL: They brought their "SCIS kits" and their "SRA Labs." > It was their experiments that flooded > their world with radiation. CROW: Whoops! > They were only able to survive within > hidden shelters on the planet's surface. TOM: Oh, and by humming a lot. Somehow, it helps. Who knew? > They didn't have much trouble > digging up the materials for the Mechrets. Their planet was full of > useful minerals. JOEL: And it had a sweet, chewey center! > The only way that Pheorians could be recognized as > non-Ferretarran was their fur color. CROW: Plus how they're evil and all. > The radiation caused a defect > in their genetic structure making their fur purple. All Pheorians > were purple. TOM: So, the plot is, peaceful planet is invaded by evil purple robotic ferrets from space. JOEL: To think we said these fanfics get goofy sometimes. > They just couldn't fix the genetic mutation and had to > live with it. TOM: So there! CROW: That'll teach them to destroy their planet! They're purple now, and purple they shall be! > Many lives had been lost to the Mechrets. JOEL: Many more were lost to a gambling vacation in Atlantic City. > Many battles were won > by the Mechrets. FX managed to create some powerful weapons, but the > FDAF needed help. TOM: And tech support, as always, put them on hold until the next cease-fire agreement. > One day, while talking to Rox about the new weaponry, CROW: "Our new weapon makes ping, whooooosh, and crackle noises when you fire it, and shoots out this cool green beam." JOEL: "Great! We'll take a thousand!" > Liz began > to wonder where FX was. "Computer." she spoke. TOM: Then she remembered this wasn't a Star Trek fanfic. > "Locate FX Ferret." The > computer beeped and hummed for a moment, then stopped. CROW: Turns out the computer forgot the words. > , The computer said, in a somewhat > emotionless tone of voice. JOEL: Hangar 17...Hangar 18...Hangar 19... > After taking a HyperPortal to the hangar area, Liz hopped into a > TransPod and punched in "H. 16". TOM: Which turned out to be the secret code for 'rematerialize this person as a giant Chapstick.' > > She found Freddy in the hangar, working on the Pulse Drive JOEL: BUMP-bump. BUMP-bump. BUMP-bump. > of a > colossal Space Fighter. "Holy cow....is THAT what you've been working > on for the past month?" she gasped. CROW: [ Way too enthusiastic ] "I never thought it'd be so squishy!" > "Yeah. I'm surprised Rockner didn't tell you about this thing. > I'm planning to go on a trip once the _Vortex_ is finished." JOEL: I hear Paris is lovely this time of the war. > He told > her. > "Is that its name?" > "Yes." TOM: I mean no! Or...maybe! I mean...can I try again? > "Is it any better than any other ship?" She mused. CROW: Well, it's pretty. > "It's faster, stronger, bigger, and smarter." he replied. JOEL: But it's only three feet long, so we can't use it much. > "Smarter? How is it smarter? Does it have a brain or something?" TOM: It outscored us on the SATs by 150 points. > Freddy thought for a minute. "Sort of. It has separate computer > "brains" for each task. JOEL: One for opening a door. One for closing a door. > One for navigating, so I can kick back and > relax while it alters course to avoid asteroids and supernovas, CROW: In case the ship is in flight for 270 billion years to build up a fifty percent chance of encountering either. > then > there's the battle computer, TOM: Which just makes the coolest version of 'Risk' ever. > that decides when to fire, when to dodge, > and that stuff. CROW: You know. *Battle* stuff. > Then, last but not least, there's a standard > problem-solving computer that even can be friendly. JOEL: If you bribe it. > It can also > answer questions or repair the insides of the ship after a battle. CROW: And it's thoughtful enough to organize surprise birthday parties for its coworkers. > They're all linked up at a few points in the ship. JOEL: Where it's really ticklish. > I call it CPSI, > for Computerized Problem-Solving Intelligence. Or just Arti', for > artificial intelligence." TOM: Or Peggie, for 'Margaret.' > "Why more than one brain?" Asked Liz. > "That way, more tasks can be accomplished in a short amount of > time." He replied. CROW: Like juggling *and* gum-chewing. > "Ah. So where are you going?" she asked. JOEL: I was thinking of visiting Louisville. > "Well, I've decided that we could use some help in this war." > "That we do." TOM: Maybe if they held a second day of Army registration? > "So, I've been listening to communications from various planets > and have found CROW: They *all* call us 'friendless loser ferret planet.' > one that might be willing to help. It's called > 'Mobius'." He handed her a printout about the planet. JOEL: Kind of a small, thin, papery world, don't you think? > "Look at this! This planet is also at war! How could they waste > time to help us?" She snapped. > "Read it carefully. CROW: They're at war with *us*! TOM: Don't read *that* part carefully! > These Freedom Fighters', as they call > themselves, seem to be winning a little. JOEL: Their strategy is to choose real loser enemies. > We can help them fight > and they can help us fight. TOM: So each of us can waste our experience and limited resources battling unfamiliar enemies on far-off planets for no direct reward? > They're almost as advanced as we are! > Plus, they have a problem with robots, too." CROW: They're jealous of the robots. TOM: Yeah. JOEL: That's not quite it, I don't think. > "I guess you're right. Can I come along, then?" She asked. CROW: Seeing as how we don't have anything better to do. > "I don't see why not. I'll be leaving tomorrow at 14:30." JOEL: Test flights are for those Air Force wimps! > "Gotcha. See you there!", she said, walking off toward her > quarters. TOM: Actually, dimes. The war's costing them more than they expected and they had to cut the budget somewhere. > FX worked half the night, finishing his work on the > _Vortex_. CROW: Maybe if I add some more blinking lights...nah. > > ----------------------------------- > 13:30, The Next Day > ----------------------------------- > > "Rise and shine, sleepyhead!" TOM: [ As though suddenly waking ] "I wasn't having dirty thoughts about Speed Buggy!" > Freddy leapt up in surprise. He had been working so late, that, > while putting his tools away, he just collapsed. CROW: Now he understood why a tire iron was impaled on his forehead. > The next thing he > saw was Liz screaming into his face, JOEL: She's such a warm, kindhearted friend. > which to some people is an > unpleasant way to wake up. > "Ack! I'm up, I'm up!!!" He shrieked. TOM: Don't hit me! > "Geez, there's no need to be loud. CROW: You can just be obnoxious instead. > I just came in here and > found you snoozing away in front of your tool compartment. TOM: You were cuddling your air compressor. I think we need a talk. > The > launch is in an hour, you know." JOEL: You'd think somebody would have been by, to kind of check the ship before this. > "It is?" FX checked his watch. CROW: "It's only half past a freckle!" TOM: Your watch is on your other arm. CROW: Oh. > "I'd better get the thrust > boosters warmed up pretty soon. JOEL: Also I need to look up more space words. > Say, could you call up Rockner for > me? I need to tell him something." CROW: I think we're drifting apart. We need to chat. > "Sure thing.", she replied, "Computer, Locate Rox Rockner." TOM: He's in Lompoc, fighting renowned bad guy Noodles Romanov and his band of nogoods. JOEL: If you can hang on a minute, he's about to take his Proton Energy Pill. > on gamma shift.> CROW: He's going to get just irradiated enough to become the Incredible Hulk now. > She went off toward the TransPod and keyed in the proper controls. TOM: Now she accidentally intercepts Gary Seven's transport. Everything's just going wrong today. > After a few minutes, a TransPod came down and Rox and Liz stepped > out. JOEL: "Hey, either of you two seen that weirdo Andrew Harlan hanging out here?" > "You wanted to see me?" Rox asked. CROW: Um...yeah, look, Rox, I know you've thought about seeing other people and I just wanted to tell you I understood...I approve, really. Honest. It's for the best. > "Yeah, Rox. I've recently been > fixing HyperPortal 32-C. It's not finished yet, so while I'm gone, I'd > like you to try and finish it up." Freddy said. > "Got it. JOEL: Wait, you're leaving? CROW: Wait, what's a HyperPortal? TOM: Wait, what's 'fixing' mean? > Launch is in a half hour, by the way. CROW: [ As Freddy ] Okay, Rox. Bye. TOM: [ As Rox ] Hold on, I want another line before I disappear from the story. > I'd say that it's > time to start charging the ion boosters, FX." Rockner told Freddy. JOEL: Since ion boosters are the least efficient way of launching a spacecraft from the surface of a planet and all. > > ----------------------------------- > Deep Space, 15 minutes after launch > ------------------------------------ > "We've cleared Ferretaran orbit. TOM: Yay! CROW: Finally! > Maintaining course.", reported > Liz. "That's good.", Freddy replied, "We should reach This Mobius' > planet in a day or two." TOM: Boy, you really see how Rox's shapeshifting powers came in handy, in this story, huh? > > WARNING! WARNING! ENEMY VESSELS APPROACHING!> boomed a mechanical voice. CROW: Artoo! What will we do? > "The battle computer has been activated!" Freddy yelped. JOEL: Now it's crying like a baby! > "This means trouble!" Liz checked her viewscreen. TOM: Oh, she's just looking at the screensaver. It's the one with the pouncing kittens. > "Looks like a > Pheorian patrol," Liz said. > "Wanna kick their tail or just run?" CROW: Want mommy! > Freddy stopped to think. > "I have an idea,' he told her. "How about I turn off manual control JOEL: Since we don't have any guys named 'Manual' here anyway. > and let the battle computer take care of em? It'll be one heck of > a firework show.' TOM: "Especially once the Pheorians detonate our fuel tanks!" > "Sure", Liz replied, "Let's see what Arti can do." > The three ships approached the _Vortex_. They were a purple > color, JOEL: Purple: Your key to quality evil. > shaped like eggs with pointy noses and wings. They also had > tail wings, for flying in a planetary atmosphere. CROW: But even these did not help them deal with their emotional failures. > The dark, > terrible-looking spaceships moved slowly, and stopped in front of > the _Vortex_. TOM: Screeeeeeeeech! CROW: Bam! JOEL: Bonk! > As soon as the Pheorian vessels stopped, they started moving > again, and fast, too. CROW: No, put it in first gear! JOEL: Wait, press the clutch first! TOM: You've never driven a stick before, have you? > They surrounded the _Vortex_ and unleashed a > barrage of ProtoLasers and nucleonic torpedoes that barely scratched > the surface of the _Vortex_. CROW: 'Cause they were just special effects. > "Now I can tell why it took you a month to build this." Liz > said in amazement. TOM: A whole month for a brand new spaceship? > "Oh, by the way," Freddy began, "this thing has the latest > in Rockner's weapons. CROW: See, this is the part that dispenses Proton Energy Pills. JOEL: And that's the part that makes only the dialogue get animated. > Check out the Proton bombs." With that, the > battle computer began letting out a spectacular display of ProtoLasers > and Proton bombs. TOM: And then Freddy remembered they should have put tubes for the bombs and lasers to shoot out of, instead of just dropping them off in the middle of the bridge > The Proton bombs were small spheres crammed with > amazingly powerful explosives. CROW: And a fantastic antipasto! > After destroying two of the three ships, Freddy and Liz watched > as the third one retreated back to Phero. JOEL: Hey, wait...so, so far this trip, Freddy and Liz didn't have to do anything. TOM: So far this fanfic, they could've done their parts entirely over the phone. > They soon were back on > course for Mobius. JOEL: Or Louisville. They're going to decide when they hit the Interstate. > It only took about a day and a half to get > there, thanks to the incredible speeds that the _Vortex_ was able > to travel at. CROW: Over two plot points a minute! > After landing, they put together a few supplies and disembarked. TOM: Canned beef, canned ham, canned peas, canned carrots, canned peaches, canned corn... JOEL: Can opener? TOM: D'oh! > Before landing, Freddy grabbed some canteens of water and a ProtoLaser > rifle. After all, they didn't have a clue what they might run into. CROW: So they'll be able to either blast it out of existence, or throw a water balloon at it. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > Mobius Timeline: 2 weeks before Doomsday. (Between 3234 and 3235) TOM: Lies Obsession. > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ----------------------------------------------- > > Tails couldn't believe his eyes. CROW: I had no idea it'd be so spongey! JOEL: Crow, don't make this any harder than it has to be. > It was his shift to watch the > forest from the lookout tower, and, for once, he saw something > downright _strange_. TOM: Dogs playing poker? What *is* this madness? > He was sitting there, in the watchtower, when this strange ship > flies down and lands in a clearing. CROW: Then he looked up what the manual said about actually seeing something from the lookout post. > He saw two figures get out, but > couldn't see what they looked like from his distance. TOM: It's like...a seven...and the square root of five...strange. > "I better tell Aunt Sally!" he decided. CROW: Or uncle Dave! JOEL: Or crazy nephew Phil! TOM: Or stupid Pete down at the office! > He ran back to Knothole > and went over to Sally's hut. JOEL: Sally's Hut. You got questions, we got Sallies. > He didn't want to look panicky, no > matter what. He thought that if he didn't stay calm at all times, he > couldn't become a fully-fledged Freedom Fighter. CROW: Worse, he wouldn't get spun off into his own video game. > He politely knocked > on the door. After a minute, the door opened. Sally looked at Tails. JOEL: Sorry, young man, we already have a set of encyclopedias. > "Oh, hi, Tails. Come on in." Tails stepped inside the small but > efficient hut. TOM: It knew all of Martha Stewart's tips to get more things done at once. > "Say," Sally began as she closed her door, "Shouldn't > you be in the lookout tower?" she asked. CROW: You know, doing something useful? > Tails tried to stay calm, but couldn't. TOM: "We won the Cleaning Publisher's Family sweeps...I mean the American Publisher's Clearing...I mean..I mean we WON twelve million...I mean..." > "I-I-I saw this-this > sh-ship and i-it landed in th-the f-f-forest and these weird people > came and-and-and..." he slowed down. JOEL: They're fraternity Borg. They assimilated all our beer. > "And what, Tails?" Sally asked. CROW: Yeah! And bodies and teeth and ears too! > Tails stammered out his answer, "And they're headed towards > Knothole!" > "Towards Knothole?" TOM: No, towards Knothole. > Sally asked. "Y-y-yeah." he said. > "This may be trouble. CROW: In that they're just unknown intruders who've landed a spaceship practically on top of their secret hideout, a sign that anyone not as stupid as Sonic the Hedgehog's villains are would use as a target range for the carpet bombing. > I'll get Sonic." She said. JOEL: Then I'll noogie him. It'll be fun. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------- > > Freddy and Liz hiked through the forest, unaware of the blue > figure that was silently following them. CROW: [ As Liz, whispering ] That's an awfully big Smurf over there... JOEL: [ As FX, whispering ] Don't notice him...he'll run off... > "So where is this > Knothole' place?" Liz asked. > "Somewhere in this forest from what I heard." TOM: Which narrows it down to two-thirds of the entire land mass of the planet. > Freddy replied. > "Just in case we meet any Freedom Fighters, I have this device that CROW: Will blow them up on contact. > reads brain wave patterns and can make out what they say and speak > it back to us in Ferretaran language JOEL: Like Ferret French, or Ferret Russian, or even Ferret Perl. > and makes our words understandable > to Mobians." TOM: It reduces the number of syllables each word has. > "So then what if we lose it and have to talk to the Mobians?" > Liz asked. CROW: We'll depend on *their* magic translator devices. > "No prob," Freddy said, "There is another device that attaches > on to this that can fit on your head. TOM: Then you look goofy, and they won't try to talk to you. > You wear it while you sleep, > and it inserts' the chosen language into your head. JOEL: Oh, also it gives you waking nightmares about your soul being torn open and left to dessicate on the hot desert sands, forever alone. It's a little bug. > That way you don't > need it and can still speak Ferretaran." TOM: Since it does involve a mental link with other and unknown species, we don't have to test it or anything. > "What if it doesn't know the whole language?" Liz asked Freddy. CROW: And what if you start talking to the Mobians' pet goldfish first? Do you learn how to speak goldfish? JOEL: Now *that* would be a fun superpower. CROW: Yeah, it would. > Freddy answered, "All you must do is talk to one Mobian and it > scans the part of your mind where the ability to speak a language is > kept. TOM: [ As Freddy ] Are you buying this? > It can also teach you how to read and write." Liz was impressed. CROW: He is going to get in so much trouble with the teachers' union when he gets back home. > "Wow, you thought of everything!" she said happily. JOEL: Subcontracting out to Edmund Hamilton was the best idea they ever had. > Freddy was about to reply, but he stopped. He whispered to Liz: > "I think we're being tailed," he said, "but I have an idea." TOM: And he starts running in circles, chasing it... > "An idea?" she asked. > "Just trust me." He told her. > Getting out a canteen of water, Freddy took a quick swig. CROW: That'll show *them*. > He > began to glow lightly. The yellow streaks appeared around his eyes > and he began to float into the air. TOM: And finally he uses his superpowers to *do* something! > He flew up at least a hundred > feet, then looked down. Sure enough, there was a strange blue thing > hiding behind a bush near Liz. JOEL: Sure enough. TOM: Yup. CROW: Got *that* straightened out. > Quietly floating down behind the blue > figure, CROW: Who apparently was really concentrating on watching Liz and never knew Freddy existed. > he charged his fireball powers and brought up four walls of > flames around the blue thing, scaring it out of its wits. JOEL: Ah, another peaceful first contact. TOM: You know, if Don Knotts was a superhero, he'd be Freddy. CROW: Yeah... > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > > Sonic, for once, panicked. CROW: "My term paper is due at ten in the morning and I haven't even *looked* at the reading material!" > What could he do? He was trapped. > The ferret with the yellowish eyes glared at him. TOM: The one thing Sonic can't fight: people being impolite. > The other one had > some sort of laser rifle trained on him. JOEL: Sit! Stay! Vaporize! > "Who are you?" the glowing ferret with yellow eyes asked. > "What's it to you, weasel boy?" Sonic retorted. > Freddy responded quickly. "We mean you no harm, unless, of > course, TOM: We blow you up first. > if you are a robot. My name is FX, and this is Elizabeth." CROW: We're a pair of wandering subplots, looking for a larger narrative to highlight. > He motioned toward Liz. "Liz, toss me that hand-held scanner, will > you please?" TOM: You want the magic mind-and-language reader one, or the one we forgot about when we suspected we were being followed? > Liz did so. After doing a quick scan, Freddy concluded > that this was not a robot. JOEL: Liz couldn't do the scan herself 'cause she's a girl. > "Well then, who are you? Seeing as you're not a robot, you must > be a freedom fighter." Freddy asked. TOM: Or he could be a state legislator. Never know. > "The name is Sonic, the fastest thing on Mobius, CROW: And if you *watched* the show you'd know that. > F-whatever. > What do you want?" Sonic asked, angrily. JOEL: I'm just in search of love, man. Give me a break. > "We have come to aid you in your war, in exchange for your aid > in ours." Freddy told him. "We are looking for a place called > Knothole'. CROW: They're not making themselves look really well-informed going into this alliance. > Do you know where it is?" > "Maybe, maybe not. TOM: I'm easily confused. > I'll only talk to you if you put out these > flames." CROW: Sonic's not hard to blackmail, relatively speaking. > Freddy thought for a minute, then cut the flames. "Okay. Now, > we need to speak to the leader of the Knothole Freedom Fighters. JOEL: Tommy Lasorda, ladies and gentlemen. > Princess Sally, is it?" TOM: No, Princess Sally. > Sonic thought for a minute. "I'll be right back." After saying > this, he blasted off toward a clearing. JOEL: So Sonic was never not able to escape from these two. > Freddy had to hold Liz's > hand CROW: Now's not a good time to cuddle, sweetie. > and fly in the opposite direction that Sonic had went to avoid > being blown toward the clearing. TOM: In the direction towards Knothole, where they wanted to go? > After a few minutes, Sonic returned, carrying a squirrel in his > arms. When he stopped, he immediately set her down. JOEL: Aw, she's cute! CROW: C'mon, give her a walnut. TOM: Aw, they're adorable. > "Hello," the squirrel said, "I'm Sally. Who are you? Are the > two who just landed here in that craft?" CROW: Actually, we're your insurance representatives. > Freddy knew that this must be the Princess. TOM: Because sending their leader to meet unknown and potentially dangerous creatures on the basis of a physical threat and a two minute interview is something every responsible military does. > "Yes, we are. This > is Elizabeth, and I am Freddy, or FX. JOEL: We come in peace. Let me set your water on fire. > We came here to help you in > your war in exchange for your help in our war." CROW: Or, we could offer you a lovely gift certificate. > Sally had to think about this. Were these people on the level? > Or were they robot spies? How could she know? TOM: They could all do a musical number! > Of course! That's how > she could figure out if they were telling the truth! CROW: Oh yeah! JOEL: It was obvious all the time. CROW: Glad we got that settled. > She quickly > pulled out her portable supercomputer, Nicole. "This is my computer, > Nicole. TOM: "No, I'm named Freddy." > I would like to scan you, to be sure that you are not of this > planet. May I?" CROW: Or should we just wait for your alien viruses and bacteria to infect and overwhelm our undefended ecosystem, reducing our entire world to an unlivable pit in three weeks? > "What do you think, Liz?" Freddy asked. > "By all means." she replied. CROW: Thanks. Our scan's kind of primitive. We have to smash your skull with a rock first and then we can check you out. > Sally flipped open Nicole. "Nicole," she spoke, "Scanning mode, > please." JOEL: You'd think she'd remember she had her supercomputer with her. > for scan.> > Sally entered the precise coordinates of Freddy and Liz, TOM: 'Leftish.' > and > began the scan. Nicole hummed softly CROW, TOM: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... JOEL: Hum hum hum hum hummmmm... > and emitted a glowing beam > towards the two ferrets. Subjects: 2 ferrets, 1 > male, 1 female. CROW: [ As Sally, confused ] Four ferrets? What the... > Both have slightly different cells and body > structures than regular Mobian ferrets. JOEL: Data suggests they are the new, improved Deluxe Mobian ferrets, with built-in cup holders and an unusual fondness for cheddar. > The male's cells are charged > with an unknown kind of energy. TOM: Possibly "Jolt." > Conclusion: Subjects have either > been genetic test subjects, or are not Mobian in origin.> CROW: Footnote: You have 347 unsolicited commercial emails offering to sell you software to send out unsolicited commercial emails offering to sell people unsolicited commercial emailing software. > "Hmm." Sally spoke. "I guess you're telling the truth, JOEL: Since one fact holds up your entire story must be considered verified. > but we > want to know about this planet of yours before we show you where > Knothole is." TOM: Do they have wiffle ball there? > Freddy briefly relayed the story of the war, his powers, the > Mechrets, and ProtoStar, CROW: [ As Sally ] "So, *nobody* wanted to talk to *anybody* on your planet for two months and you didn't think that peculiar?" > with Liz adding details every now and then. JOEL: [ As Liz ] "I like gum." > "Alright," Sally said, "We'll show you the way to Knothole. CROW: You notice those big signs that read 'Knothole This Way?' > But just in case you try anything, we have guards posted all over. TOM: Somehow, I think their experience with Sonic may have made Freddy and Liz less fearful of Knothole's defense perimeter. > Follow me." She said pointing to a slightly visible path on the ground. JOEL: Oh, the obvious way of finding the village? TOM: We gotta go, guys. CROW: Works for me. [ ALL file out ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. JOEL is alone ] JOEL: Guys? Crow? Servo? Gypsy? Anyone? MAGIC: I'm here, Joel. That is, to the same extend that I'm anywhere. JOEL: Thank you, Magic Voice. Uh...have you seen where anyone else is? MAGIC: I think they're coming this way. JOEL: Wonderful! Am I going to have to have a talk with them? MAGIC: Probaby. [ TOM and CROW come running from stage right running, stop, look at the camera, scream in panic, and continue running off stage left. ] JOEL: What the... [ GYPSY, wearing a pirate mask over her eye and with a 'holster' and laser pistol strapped to her tube, comes from stage right, howls a 'battle cry' and runs off stage left. ] MAGIC: I think it's related to the story today. JOEL: Yeah, yeah, knowing those three it would be. [ TOM and CROW come from stage left, stop, look at camera, yell in panic, and continue running off stage right. ] MAGIC: I think they somehow got in a fight with Gypsy. [ GYPSY runs in from stage left, stops, howls a battle cry, and continues running, to stage right. ] JOEL: Yeah; I think it has something to do with Gypsy being mainly purple, just like the evil robotic ferrets from space in the story today. MAGIC: Oh, the robots are purple too? JOEL: I thought so. MAGIC: I know the evil ferrets were purple, but did they say anything about the robots? JOEL: You know, I'm just not sure. MAGIC: In any case, so Tom and Crow thought she'd be a good stand-in for the bad guys in a little attempted playlet? [ TOM and CROW, from stage right, run in, stop, scream in terror, and continue on. ] JOEL: Looks like. [ GYPSY comes in, stops, screams a battle cry, and runs to stage left. ] MAGIC: And they probably didn't think about Gypsy's feelings about being cast as an embodiment of evil. JOEL: Not a thought at all. They really should know better by now. MAGIC: Definitely. [ TOM and CROW run in from stage left, stop, and are about to scream in terror when GYPSY comes running in from stage right. They run into each other and all fall down. ] MAGIC: [ After a beat ] Do you think they've learned their lesson? JOEL: These three? No. MAGIC: A shame. Commercial sign in five seconds, Joel. JOEL: Thanks, Magic Voice. Nice talking with you again. MAGIC: Commercial sign now. [ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ] Always here for you. JOEL: [ Nodding ] As much as you're anywhere, at least. [ Tapping COMMERCIAL SIGN ] We'll be right back. MAGIC: Right. [ BREAK ] ========= From: ma...@infinet.com (Matthew Miller) Subject: [MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (4/4) Date: 1997/12/09 Message-ID: X-Deja-AN: 296504387 NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 00:35:06 EST Organization: InfiNet Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc [ ALL settle into theater ] > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------ JOEL: That's the hardest "Wheel of Fortune" bonus round ever. > Knothole > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------------------- > > Freddy was somewhat surprised when he saw the village. CROW: He had no *idea* they were organizing a birthday party for him! > Rather > than high-tech scanning and defensive machines all over, he saw TOM: Pizza shops and neat collectible stores. > nothing but a large group of medium-sized huts. He noticed that > a few had computers in them JOEL: Running highly sophisticated versions of "Civilization" on them. > and one, which seemed to partially > seemed to fit his original idea of the place, which belonged to > somebody named "Rotor". TOM: He was a young helicopter, and proud. > "You know, if you want to help us, CROW: You might try doing something. > I suggest you come to one > of our meetings when we organize another raid on Robotropolis." TOM: You'll get your share of their panties, I promise. > Sally said to Freddy and Liz. "Oh yeah, and, uh, don't take this as > an insult, CROW: But I want to say something insulting. > but what kind of a name is FX?" JOEL: Oh, and don't take this as an insult either, but you're ugly. > "It's my codename." Freddy replied. "My real name is Fred, TOM: Freddy doesn't seem to have mastered the idea of a code name. > but > I kinda like to be called Freddy at times. I mainly go by FX'." CROW: But mostly people call me Freddy. > "Okay." Sally replied. "But I need to do something. Come into > this hut, please." TOM: Now go out again, please, hop in place, and do the "Hokey-pokey." > She said, opening the door to one of the > computer-filled huts. When inside, she asked them, JOEL: "Don't you kind of miss Commodore 64s sometime?" > "Would it bother > you two if I ran a special lie-detector test on you?" CROW: Somebody stole the batteries from my TV remote the other day and while we're pretty sure it wasn't you, we want to check everybody. > "Fine by me. Okay with you, Liz?" Freddy said. > "I guess." She replied, sighing. JOEL: You act like we haven't known each other for almost ten minutes already! Where's the *trust*? > They were hooked up to a strange machine which they were told > was a lie detector. After they both gave their reasons for coming CROW: "Well, being zapped by evil purple robotic ferrets from space is just a *total* bummer." > and > all that stuff, they were told by Sally that they checked out okay JOEL: But they did have a tapeworm problem. > and > she was as convinced as ever that they had a good reason to come. But, > for some reason, Sonic remained silent. TOM: The person doing his voice-overs was out getting a snack and he had to pantomime until the guy came back. > Sally, noticing this, said to > Sonic, "You know, Sonic, he hasn't really done anything to hurt us CROW: That whole flaming wall of death he sent at you was a way of saying "howdy." > and > so far his story checks out. JOEL: And it's not worth careful study to determine whether our lie detector equipment works on completely alien physiologies. > Don't worry, he was just defending himself > with that fire cage." > "Yeah, you're right, Sal, but when someone defends themself > like that, TOM: You mean, successfully? > I can't help being edgy." He replied. > "Well, FX, I guess you and Liz will need a shelter here in > Knothole. CROW: It's been only two weeks since the last time someone from another world was dropped off in our village, so we're on kind of short quarters. > I could get Sonic and a few other villagers get to work > on some new huts right away." Sally told them. JOEL: Jimmy Carter will try to help you out. Let him; it makes him feel a lot better. > "Actually," Freddy began, "We would like to construct our own > shelter, if it doesn't bother you." > "I guess you could. TOM: Should I reserve a spot in the local Kampgrounds of America site? > There's still empty space around here in > Knothole. You can find your own area." CROW: Loose building code. > Sally said. "Oh, and before > you start, JOEL: No building stuff that blows up on us. > remember to come to the center hut for tonight's meeting. TOM: We're holding it three days from now. > It's in two hours." CROW: We're going to elect someone to run the Spring Picnic, so be sure you're there for the candidate speeches. > Freddy flew Liz back to the _Vortex_, JOEL: Which they can't use for shelter because it's too much like home. > where they reprogrammed > some maintenance droids with schematics for their new home, TOM: With the plans for The Simpsons' home. > so that > they'd have their own construction crew. > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > --------------------------------------------- > Almost two hours later, CROW: In a "Due South" fanfic across town. > with the building nearly completed > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > ---------------------------------------------- > > Freddy and Liz found their new home impressive. While it wasn't > very big, it contained two rooms and a computer in each one. TOM: They immediately both got online and chatted to each other via the Internet. JOEL: And who needs bathrooms, anyway? > The > outside was coated with a special lubricant that would block all > radar or scanning waves that it came in contact with. CROW: Which means the bombs dropping on the hut ten feet over won't do them the slightest bit of harm! > It wasn't > totally finished, though, because the roof needed to be tested for > weaknesses. TOM: Also, cable TV would not be installed for two weeks. CROW: They'll miss the most critical reruns of "One Day at a Time" and "Alice." But those are the fortunes of war. > While supervising the construction, Freddy heard a meek voice > behind him. "Um, are you FX?" TOM: No, I'm FX. > Freddy turned around and saw a young > fox with -- he couldn't believe his eyes -- TWO tails. CROW: And more than seven noses! > "Uh, yes...who're you?" He asked. > "My name is Miles. But everyone calls me Tails. JOEL: Because, as you can see, I have two Miles. > Sally asked me > to tell you that it's about time for the Freedom Fighter meeting." TOM: "Uh...I refused. Hope that's okay." > Tails explained. > Freddy checked his watch. CROW: Hmm...8:15 p.m. in Tokyo...late February in Newfoundland... > "Oh, thanks for reminding me, Miles." > "Call me Tails, please. I don't exactly like the name Miles'." TOM: Even though I keep telling people that's my name. > Freddy looked at him strangely. "You don't like that name? CROW: You some kind of punk or something? I'll have you know Miles Seligman was named Miles, and he was Miles Seligman! JOEL: Who's Miles Seligman? CROW: Indeed, can we ever really know who Miles Seligman was? > From > where I come from, that's the name of a famous scientist. Miles Fenrus. TOM: Beuller? > He discovered pulse drive." JOEL: He died alone and bitter. > "I've never heard of him. Where _are_ you from?" CROW: A place called...Vermont. > Freddy wasn't sure if he should fill Tails in on his origins. > "Well, let's just say far, far away." > "Oh, okay. I gotta go now. TOM: I have other scenes to needlessly slow down! > Bye!" Tails said running off. > "Bye, Miles!" Freddy said, then went to get Liz. > After Freddy found Liz, They both headed for the large hut marked > "War Room". JOEL: Inside they found kids playing elaborate card games, and felt even more nervous about the deal they'd made. > When they got in there, they saw that almost everyone > was there, including Tails. "Wow. I can't believe they're taking > this many people on the raid," Freddy thought. CROW: They're acting like some sort of organized armed force or something! > Once everyone was seated, Sally activated a holo-schematic of > Robotropolis. TOM: [ As Sally ] "Um, Core Intelligence didn't have time to prepare a full chart of this mission, so we're just going to use some graphics left over from 'Star Wars,' so don't take the details too literally." > "This is where we'll attack tonight," Sally said, "In > SWATbot factory 506. JOEL: [ As though taking notes ] Swatbot battery 506. CROW: [ The same ] Swatbat fattery 560. TOM: [ The same ] Batboy gallery 605. > We'll enter through this maintenance tunnel > near the east entrance. Then we'll fry the computers and take out > any functional SWATbots. Any questions?" CROW: "If we go to the bathroom do we have to wash our hands before returning to the counter-revolution?" TOM: "How do you find a tangent line to a parabola that passes through a given point not on the parabola?" > Not a word came from the > group. "Last but not least, JOEL: Remember we have the charity garage sale next weekend; please bring any toys or clothes or books that are in good condition and let's make this better than last year's, okay? > we are welcoming two new members to the > team, Elizabeth Startail and FX Ferret. CROW: And their friend Uukla the Mok. > They have come here from, > well, how do I put this...from another planet." Giggles came from > the crowd. TOM: "What, *more* of them?" > "Please, people. From what I can tell, their story checks > out. Give them a chance, please!" Silence. JOEL: They have proposals for introducing Total Quality Management and just-in-time inventories of snappy comebacks for when the villains try stupid plans against us. > "Believe me, I am not > joking. This will be their first chance to prove themselves. TOM: So we've picked a critical mission with plenty of opportunities for an enemy agent to subvert and betray us. > Now > that it's about time to get going, everyone get the laser rifles, > oh, and Sonic, you might want to take a power ring." CROW: Or maybe just some velamints instead. > Everyone began > to leave. JOEL: Wait...wait, doesn't anyone want to run the counterrevolution with me? > Freddy and Liz went back to the hut and got a ProtoLaser rifle > and a canteen of water. TOM: 'Cause that was all they ever brought anywhere. > After joining up with the rest of the rest > of the group, they went to the outskirts of Robotropolis. CROW: Okay, look for the Anheiser-Busch factory...the turnoff for Newark International is right after that. > As they silently approached the factory, FX noticed something > out of the corner of his eye. It took him only a second to realize > what it was: Robots. TOM: Hooray! CROW: Yay! > "It's a trap! A SWATbot squad is coming!" He yelled. > Since they all knew that retreating would just show the bots > where Knothole was, TOM: They all sat down, put on costumes and pretended to be having a picnic. > they decided to stay and fight. Sally was kicking > some bots when Sonic noticed another bot aiming its laser at her. JOEL: And here we see the traditional Sonic fanfic plot point of The Secret Raid Going Horribly Wrong. > "Sally! Get outta the way!" She couldn't hear him. Running as CROW: Soon to be followed by the traditional Sonic fanfic plot point of The New Guy Saves The Day. > fast as he could (which is pretty dang fast), he ran over to Sally TOM: Maybe we should just take a break or something. > and pushed her out of the way. But not in time to save himself. He JOEL: We really ought to say something about the story. > was hit square in the chest by the SWATbot's laser and was severely TOM: Well, it's got words. > burned. CROW: So. Guys, you know, we ought to get fresh bagels up here. > "Wha--Sonic!" Sally screamed, seeing the blue hedgehog lying TOM: Yeah, they'd be nice. > in a blue heap. "He was really hit hard. We have to get him back JOEL: I'll see what we can come up with. > to Knothole!" CROW: Girlfriend get zapped by the bad guys yet? > As the crowd retreated, the few remaining SWATbots followed JOEL: It'll happen soon enough. > them. One of them fired its laser, hitting Liz in the back. FX was TOM: Story's running on time, at least. > really angry now. That blow at Sonic had ruined the mission, CROW: And put a dent in their plans for a thirty-city concert tour. > but > now that Liz had been hit, it was _personal_. After taking a quick > gulp of water, JOEL: He started to look for the bathroom. > his eyes began to glow quite bright again. Using his > fire powers, he surrounded himself with a sphere of fire TOM: Suffocating himself in seconds. > (A fire > shield, for you gamers out there) CROW: That will be on the quiz; non-gamers won't be graded on it. > and approached the bots. Flaring > up his hand, he punched it right through a bot, screaming, TOM: [ Jumping, as if punched ] Owie! CROW: Serves you right, Tom! TOM: Don't make me come over there, banana-nose. > "This > one's for Sonic!" JOEL: [ Standing up, punching repeatedly ] And this one's for 'X-Files!' And this one's for 'Star Wars!' And this one's for 'Battlestar Galactica!' And this one's for 'Sliders!' And this one's for 'Star Trek!' And this one's for 'Next Generation!' And this one's for 'Deep Space Nine!' And... TOM: Joel? CROW: Joel? Calm down, buddy. JOEL: Oh... [ sitting down ] Sorry, guys. TOM: It gets us all sometimes. > He walked over to another, grabbed it's gun and > blasted off the small point on it's head where it's radio transmitter > was. CROW: And right in the middle of its call to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. > When the SWATbot tried to punch FX, FX grabbed its arm and swung > it around, whacking and destroying the last bots. TOM: Swwwwak! > Then, he released > the bot and it flew toward a brick wall, CROW: Bamf! > smashing into it with a > resounding thud. JOEL: Thok-k-k! > "And that one," he said, torching the remains of the bot, "was > for Liz." After going back and picking up Liz, TOM: He went back and asked for change because he accidentally gave too much for Liz. > he flew back to Knothole. > Back at Knothole, Sonic was starting to regain consciousness. CROW: They'll just have to try again next fanfic. > FX rushed trough Knothole and ran back to the ship, considering > the fact that the people of Knothole might not be able to treat > a Ferretaran with as much accuracy and speed as the Medical Droids > in the ship could. JOEL: So why didn't he just fly to the ship instead? > Liz woke up a few minutes later, and she realized that her > burn had been treated. She also realized that she was in the Vortex's > Medical Facility TOM: And that a well-meaning but malfunctioning droid was about to surgically remove her neck. > from looking a the droids around her. She slowly > got up and left the room. After finding FX in his cabin, reading, > she said, "I truly hope that not all of these missions go like this." CROW: I clearly told the recruiting officer I had a no-dying policy. > FX, who did not notice her come in, replied, "From what > everybody told me, they don't. TOM: Usually a mission will actually require our presence for it to turn out the way it does. > Good to see you're awake." > "Good to be awake." She replied, groggily. JOEL: "It makes practicing my welding hobby that much safer." > "Now can we go back > to Knothole?I don't want to stay in here for much longer, or I'll > think the walls or closing in." CROW: Looking back on it, it wasn't a good idea to build the medical center right in the trash compactor. > "I know what you mean. The humidity in here is giving me a > headache JOEL: And it's so moist any moment I'll have to send huge fireballs reining down upon our neighbors. > and the tiny size of these rooms frighten me even though > I'm not one bit claustrophobic." CROW: Have to say, this is one of the more carefully detailed stories we've seen recently. TOM: Yeah, but what do any of these details *matter*? > They both were about to leave when the ship's comm line beeped. > FX activated the comm system. CROW: It's his replacement at the comm station, asking if anyone *ever* calls. > To his surprise, it was Rox who was > sending the message. > "Roger! Why are you signaling us? JOEL: Does General G.I. Brassbottom need us to help you save the world? > Is something wrong?" > "No, actually, I've got _good_ news. Get this: After you had > left, TOM: We had this *huge* party, and you remember Martha? She said she really likes me! Anyway, we're going steady now and... > the Pheorians thought that everyone was leaving Ferretara CROW: What? > on > you're ship! What idiots! TOM: Okay, but... > A small squad of Mechrets, led by > ProtoStar, came down to Ferretara and were all destroyed!" Rox laughed. JOEL: They can't beat these guys normally, but as soon as FX and Liz leave, they get an easy win over their worst obstacle? > "You mean we're winning? You guys destroyed ProtoStar?" > "Yesiree! CROW: One small squad is all that stood between Ferretara's total destruction and its easy victory? > Now it doesn't really matter how long you stay on > Mobius! Now that we're winning, we don't need the Mobians' help!" TOM: I don't mean to sound cynical, Joel, but it sounds like Freddy and Liz were just sent on this mission to get rid of them. CROW: Yeah, this is a little too convenient a development. > " Well then, I think I'm going to stay here anyway." > "And me too!" Piped in Liz. JOEL: We don't need any connection to our friends and family and all our past lives! > "Okay," Rox said, giggling, "but don't forget to write!" > "We'll keep in touch!" FX and Liz said in unison. > Even though the mission was a failure, CROW: A failure? They got through the entire story without having anything at all depend on them doing anything. > they both managed to > prove themselves to the Freedom Fighters and were congratulated > by Sally. JOEL: Which made all the work they put into it worthwhile. > After the day was over, FX and Liz went back to their > hut and got some rest, wondering what life in Knothole will be like. CROW: Based on past experience, it'll be filled with details and plot points that don't matter in the least more than two sentences after they're introduced. > > End > > TOM: Hooray! JOEL: We made it! [ ALL file out ] [ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ] [ SOL. CROW, JOEL, TOM standing behind the desk ] JOEL: Made it through another one. CROW: Yup. TOM: Which just means they'll send us more in the future. CROW: Yup. JOEL: Kind of takes the sense of joy out of it. CROW: Yup. [ COMMUNICATION SIGN starts flashing ] JOEL: Oh, we're getting a communication and it's not from the Mads and it's from outside the ship; Cambot, put it on the Hex Field View Screen. [ HFVS opens; revealing inside of a 50's style cheap SF film spaceship and FX Ferret inside, leaning dangerously far back in a Star Trek style chair, spinning and throwing a pencil up and catching it again. ] JOEL, TOM, CROW: Freddy! FREDDY: [ Still playing with the pencil. ] Yup; you can call me Freddy, or you can call me Fred...if you want, you can call me FX; just don't call me collect or after nine o'clock, eh? JOEL: Um...right. So, Freddy, what've you been up to since your adventures going to Mobius? FREDDY: Oh. You know. Stuff. CROW: [ Under his breath ] I bet his web page has pictures of personally important toothbrushes. FREDDY: [ Points at Crow ] Dude! Good one! [ Turns to look at his computer; pencil drops on him, he fumbles, falls onto floor. ] Whoops! JOEL: Uhm... TOM: Are you okay in there? FREDDY: Yeah, yeah...happens more than you'd think. [ He gets the chair back in place, sits, leaning dangerously far back in it again. ] So what'cha call me up for? CROW: You called us, Fred. FREDDY: Yes, I did. Guys, I got a deal. If you help out with our war against the evil purple robot ferrets from space, we'll help you out with your little war against whoever it is you're fighting. TOM: That's an awfully nice offer, Freddy. CROW: But we're not at war with anybody. JOEL: And you aren't either. FREDDY: Oh! [ Slaps his forehead, falls out of his chair. ] Ow. I'm always forgetting that. JOEL: Uh...would you like...uh...a better chair, maybe? FREDDY: Thanks, man, but I am set. We're really not at war? CROW: No, you guys whipped the Pheorians in straight sets. TOM: You, meaning, your planet once you and Liz left. JOEL: Yeah, hey, where is Liz? FREDDY: Gosh, I dunno...I saw her sometime this week. I think. [ ALARM on FREDDY's ship goes off. ] FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Tachypomp overload. Explosive vehicle failure in ten seconds. JOEL: Yikes! Freddy, you have an escape pod or something? FREDDY: For what? FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Explosive vehicle failure in five seconds. JOEL: For that! FREDDY: Nah; sometimes these things go away by themselves. FREDDY'S MAGIC VOICE: Overload cleared. Vehicle returned to normal. [ ALARM stops. ] FREDDY: Dudes! Sorry, guys. I gotta be going. CROW: To where? FREDDY: Hah! Sharp one, little...what are you, some kind of magic goldfish? Anyway, catch you on the flip side. JOEL: Yeah, we'll see you around, Freddy. [ Hex Field View Screen closes ] TOM: Have to admit, he's not getting too worked up about the little things. CROW: Probably live a long, happy life that way. JOEL: Looks like. [ MADS sign flashes ] JOEL: Well, what do you think, sirs? [ D13. DR. FORRESTER and TV's FRANK (still dressed as Dr. Joyce Brothers) are sitting in chairs arranged like the center on The $10,000 Pyramid (and its siblings). DR. FORRESTER looks to the camera; TV's FRANK does not. Both read their dialogue without paying attention to the other. ] FRANK: Trumpeteer Swan. Ceylon. DR.F: Ah, Joel; you've gotten to the end of another story. [ Gameshow winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Ontario. Elba. Smallpox. DR.F: One of these days, I promise, we'll give you somebody's second Sonic fanfic. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Tigris. Yellowstone. Transatlantic balloon. DR.F: No one can hold out forever, not against these experiments. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Skylab. Big Thicket. Plankton. DR.F: And you will come pleading for mercy, I promise you. [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Hawaii. Jupiter. Owls. DR.F: To use the vernacular...I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time! [ Another winning 'DING' sounds. ] FRANK: Madiera. Rock art. Bioluminescence. DR.F: Just push the button, Frank. [ One last 'DING' sounds before it is drowned out in game show winning music; "$10,000" flashes on screen and TV'S FRANK jumps up and down, and forces DR. FORRESTER to jump up and down with him. ] FRANK: We win! We win! We win! DR.F: [ Growls ] \ | / \ | / \ | / --- o --- / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright Best Brains, inc. "Sonic the Hedgehog" and its related characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega, Archie comics, and DIC. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment and satiric purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc, Sega, Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. "FX Down to Mobius" is Copyright G. T. Ettinger III and is used with permission. Dr. Joyce Brothers is probably copyright the Game Show Network and maybe all of the world's talk shows. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products, nor to G. T. Ettinger III or any other person or organization referenced in any way. The other day I was downtown and a person walked by with a boombox that was blasting the Simon and Garfunkel classic "The Sound of Silence." I think that summarizes what it means to live in a city. > "Say," Sally began as she closed her door, "Shouldn't > you be in the lookout tower?" she asked. > Tails tried to stay calm, but couldn't.