Date: Wed, 20 Mar 1996 19:47:41 -0500 (EST) From: Robert Coakley Subject: Evolution in Cold Blood 1/6 TOM: And now, the SOL players would like to present an adaptation of Kathy Tyres' "Truce at Bakura," a popular _Star Wars_ novel. Princess Leia will be played by Gypsy, and the ghost of Anakin Skywalker will be played by myself, Tom Servo. TOM: Leia... GYPSY: Who are you? TOM: It is I, your father, Anakin Skywalker. GYPSY: You mean Darth Vader? Forget you! TOM: Hey! Is that anyway to talk to your father? GYPSY: Sorry, "Dad," but my father died when you blew up Alderann. Real nice too, considering they were defenseless. TOM: Yeah...but that was a good thing. It made other people join the Rebellion. GYPSY: You call killing five billion people a good thing? TOM: In the long run, yeah. GYPSY: Well, you also tortured the man I loved, Richard Basehart! TOM : Han Solo. GYPSY: Err, I meant Han Solo. TOM: Um...well, I didn't do any permanent damage. You're just being selfish. All the Jedi I hunted down and killed for the Emperor forgave me, and you're still carrying a grudge 'cause I roughed up that scruffy little pirate. GYPSY: How dare you call the man I love a pirate! TOM: Geeze. She thinks she's such a princess! MIKE: Great show, Tom! CROW: Yeah! I can't wait for the one where Mara Jade gets let into the New Republic despite being the Emperor's private assassin for about ten years. TOM: I'm not sure Gypsy would want to wear a red-gold wig. MIKE: Hold up, young Jedi, Timothy Zahn is calling. DR. F: Well, Roger MacBride Allen, nice to see your 'bots brushing up on modern classics of sci-fi literature. Let's get on with the invension exchange. Since I know mine will be better, you can go first. CROW: Grrr! Snarl! MIKE: Well, Dr. F, my invention exchange is inspired by recent events in the X-Men comic book series. What do you do when you have a viciously feral and homicidal maniac living in your house? TOM: Hope the teenaged girl living there will befriend him? MIKE: Well, yes, but you also need a nice cage to keep him in. And this Psycho-Holder is just what you need in case an ex-assassin wants your help to cure his homical urges. CROW : Grrr. Snarl. MIKE: Yes, just because you have a deranged psychotic in your home, doesn't mean you have to give up space in the Danger Room. What do you think, sir? TOM: And what invention could top this? DR. F: Well, my invention will beam fanfics directly into the human brain! CROW : That sounds familiar. DR. F: My plans involve attaching a breathing apparatus to it, and sending it up the umbilicus. Then I'll cut off your oxygen supply, forcing you to wear it, Nelson. MIKE: Dear God in Heaven!!! TOM: Don't worry, Mike! We'll kill you before you can suffer like that! DR. F: The problem is that I need a test subject to see how effective it is. The problem is, with Frank gone I... DR. F: Excuse me. VOICE FROM OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: Konichi-wa? DR. F: Hello? It's stuck. Do you think you can... VOICE: BAKSUI-TEN-KETSU!!!! RYOGA: Excuse me, do you know the way to the Tendo Dojo? DR. F: Well, no. Who are you? RYOGA: I'm Ryoga Hibiki. Where am I? Am I in Japan? DR. F: No, you're in Deep 13, located somewhere underground in Minnesota. RYOGA: Oh, blast! Now what am I going to do? I'll never find my beloved Akane again. DR. F: Well, Ryoga, before you continue your trek to Japan, would you like something to eat? RYOGA: Do you have any bread? DR. F: Bread? RYOGA: Sure! We have the best bread in Japan. We have plain bread, toasted bread, fried bread, French bread... TOM: Poor Ryoga. CROW: We've gotta do something. DR. F: Well, Nelson, I think I've found my volunteer. While I'm preparing for my greatest triumph, feel free to read "Evolution in Cold Blood" a Bubblegum Crisis fanfic that will leave you tasting spinach bubblegum. RYOGA: There's spinach bread, as well as lettuce bread and cabbage bread... DR. F: Enjoy... ALL: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!! CROW: There's olive bread and spicy bread... MIKE: Shush. > B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S: > > Evolution In Cold Blood > > Written by M. Mckenzie; based on characters and > situations from the OVA series. TOM: A portion of the funding for this fanfic comes from the Stacked Chicks In Body Armor Foundation. CROW: And otaku like you. > Mega Tokyo, 2032. > The great buildings of the city rose like hi-tech towers of >Babel into the night sky, illuminated like jewels. On the >streets, vehicles and people moved in a steady stream. Lovers, >hands linked, pointed out sights and sounds to one another. CROW: How romantic! Smog and human misery. >Above it all, in the skies, an occasional AD Police one-man >chopper cruised on patrol, looking for trouble. TOM: And then getting shot down in flames. > That didn't mean one blessed thing to the homeless man who >was rooting through the trash in a darkened alley. MIKE: Funny, it didn't mean much to us, either. >The place was piled high with refuse and kipple, ALL: Kipple? >but it was perfect for his >needs. He had once been an up-and-coming exec at the GENOM >corporation, but after what had gone down months ago... CROW : Gee, I wonder if the Knight Sabers had something to do with that... > The man grunted at his turn of luck. His money, home, >marriage...all gone. All that was left was himself. ALL : Well, I'm sick of myself, when I look at you... > His eyes lit up as he uncovered a half-eaten hamburger. >Wolfing it down, he ignored the sour smell and taste, >concentrating only on filling his stomach. TOM: Hey! This tastes better than Jack-In-The-Box! > The growl came from his right. CROW: Rush Limbough IS...out for revenge!!! > "Eh?" the man said, jerking his head to the right. MIKE: I tried that once. Needed a cast for a week. >He saw >nothing...but the growl came again, this time closer. > "Who's there?" he yelled, looking this way and that. He >began backing toward the alley's entrance, but it was a good >twenty feet away. Not that anyone could hear him; there were no >cars or vehicles passing by. TOM: But... the author already said how busy everything was. > "Who's there, dammit!" he yelled again. He stared at the >darkness in the alley. > And received his answer. CROW: I'll take "Lame Cyberpunk Stories" for 200, Alex. > Two red eyes emerged from the dark, regarding him. But what >they were attatched to-- TOM: Wild guess: Someone's head? > The man's bladder let go. His nerves did too. Turning, he >ran for the alley's entrance, screaming. He did not see the >fast-moving shape behind him. CROW: Spud Webb? >He did not hear its triumphant shriek; ALL: Yay! The Devils have won the Stanley Cup!!! >his heart was pounding loudly in his ears. But he did >feel unendurable agony as his back was ripped wide open. MIKE: Gratuitous violence. Maybe this won't be so bad, after all. CROW: You misspelled, "necessary to keep the audience awake," Mike. MIKE: My mistake. > It had been a great gig for the Replicants. TOM: Aside from Harrison Ford trying to "retire" them. > Priss, on lead vocals, finished the band's last number, >"Paradise Road". CROW: No relation to "Kimagure Orange Road." TOM: I'm feeling a little "whimsical" right now. >As the music ended, the applause began. "Thank >you...thanks," she said, waving to the crowd and to the three >women sitting at the table closest to the stage. MIKE: The author thinks three women at a table is a "crowd?" > Minutes later, the band members were saying their goodbyes. ALL: Priss, we quit! >Priss watched them leave and returned to her friends. Stepping >out into the lounge, she saw them. TOM: She saw them after she returned to them? > "Priss!" Nene squeled, running up. "You were wonderful! MIKE: Uh-uh, Crow. Uh-uh. > Behind her, Linna and Celia nodded and gave their approvals. CROW : Oh, are Linna and Celia going to grace us with their approval? TOM: I thought it was *Sylia* Stingray. MIKE: Sad, being named after nose hair. TOM: Hey, she could be named after audio equipment, *Mike*. > "Thanks...but I'm tired, though," Priss said, running a hand >through her hair. "I just want to--" TOM: Engage in some meaningless violence? CROW: Punch Nene? MIKE: Start a friendship with a Boomer? >but the sound of clapping intereupted her. MIKE: It's the sound of one hand clapping! > "Bravo!! Bravo!!" a _very_ familiar voice said from the back. > Leon McNichol approached the group, still clapping. ALL: AHH!! CROW: Oh, God, no. > "Very good, Priss. May I change that to awesome?" CROW: Leon McNichol- The Wesley Crusher of Bubblegum Crisis. > Priss put her hands on her hips and regarded Leon with a >knife-like gaze. TOM: Replace it with a real knife, and we'll all be happy. >"What do you want, Leon?" > "Ah! A question!" ALL: AAHH!!! > Leon stopped clapping, TOM: He can clap a long time. CROW: It's due to the callouses on his hands. >pucked a flower out of a vase on the table next to him, MIKE: Puck? What's he doing there? TOM: I don't know, but it's a sure bet the characters will bad mouth him behind his back. >and offered it to Priss. >With a huge grin on his face, he said, "And here is my answer: >Could I take you out tonight?" CROW : I don't know, Leon. You could get your legs broken or a concussion if things went bad. TOM : I'm not afraid of the Boomers. CROW : I wasn't talking about the Boomers! > Priss' eyes widened, then narrowed. "NO! I'm not going! >I'm tired, Leon, and I'm going home. Now get lost!" CROW: You tell 'im, girlfriend! > Leon's eyebrows went up above his shades. His grin >remained, however. "But, it's my only free night, and--" -he >suddenly dropped to his knees- TOM: And begged Priss not to kill him for being so lame. >"and I'm feeling sooo lonely! >Please?" MIKE: Jaleel White wishes he could act this nerdy. > Priss stared, aghast. Behind her, Nene and Linna giggled, >while Celia grinned. CROW : Tee hee! What a dork! > "Do I have to kiss your feet?" Leon asked. He bent foward, >as if intent on doing what he said, when Priss stamped her foot >and blurted out, "All right, all right, Leon, we have a date!" MIKE: Nuts. I was hoping she would kick him in the teeth. TOM: Jeeze, I think she'd rather go one-on-one with Largo than date that Space Case. > Leon shot to his feet, the grin _still_ on his face. "Okay! >That's what I want to hear. I'll be outside." TOM: Playing in traffic. CROW: Don't get my hopes up. >He walked out of the front door of the Hot Legs Cafe, whistling an old tune >from The Smiths. MIKE : I wrote this song when two mad scientists locked me in a large piece of Tupperware to preserve me. Did I mention that I cried? > Laughter broke out from behind Priss. TOM: It's funny cause Leon is such a loser. >Red-faced, she turned to her three friends (and fellow Knight Sabers) ALL: Ohhh! They're the Knight Sabers! >and yelled, "What the hell is so funny?" TOM: Comedy Central!! MIKE: Don't kiss up. > Linna giggled, "But Priss, Leon's such a hunk! I mean, you >and him look so cute...!" CROW: I take it Linna's the one with the bad eyesight... > Celia smiled warmly TOM: Um, the emotionally stunted don't smile. >and added, "Also Priss, you have saved his life a few times." TOM: We all make mistakes. > "Yeah..." Priss faced the door. "Besides, I think that I >might be--" She left her friends and went to her room to get >ready. MIKE: "Might be--" what? TOM: Quincy's illegitimate daughter? MIKE: A poor rip-off of "Bladerunner?" CROW: A lesbian? MIKE: CROW! > Two AD Police officers sat in their car, which was parked in >a small niche near a busy intersection. Both had their eyes on a >stunning young woman who was behind the wheel of her car. TOM: And completely ignoring the Buma on a rampage two blocks away. > "Mmmmmm...not bad," said one. > "Yeah," replied the other. "Oh--damn, she's gone." > "Oh hell, nothing lasts forever," the first officer mused. MIKE: This fanfic is coming close. CROW: I think Gotham City cops are better than the AD Police. >He reached for his coffee cup when he froze. TOM: Bleach! Decaf!! >"What in the name of--" TOM: Carl Macek! MIKE: Matthew Sweet! CROW: Suzuki Toshimichi! > His partner then noticed the trickles of blood running down >the wind-sheild. Both men pulled out their handguns-- ALL: Ewwwww! > --When the roof was torn wide open. TOM: Hey! That car IS a convertable, you know. > The first officer turned around, only to be splashed with >his partner's blood. Screaming, he pushed the door open and ran >for the street, but he never made it. Two powerful hands grabbed >him, and yanked him back into the dark. MIKE: Jeeze, those Jehovah's Witnesses are aggressive in the 21st century. CROW: Read "The Watchtower" or I'll blow your brains out! > Leon had to admit it; his gamble had paid off. TOM: Creating *software*, not hardware! I'll make billions! >Priss was >sitting next to him as he drove, and they were talking, at least. CROW : You talk too much, you think you're God's gift to women, you think you could put GENOM out of business with that stupid invention of your's... > Priss had the same thought in mind. TOM: Hopefully it involves Leon and target practice. >She enjoyed being with >Leon--once you got past his shit-eating exterior, MIKE : I don't want anything to do with an anime character without enough sense to disgard his own feces. >there was quite a guy there. CROW : Yeah. Quite a guy. >She responded to him calmly, with no secrets to >hide. TOM : I hate your guts! > After all, Leon already knew her greatest secret. CROW: I'm not going there! > "So!" Leon asked, "how come you and your girls have been >silent?" > Priss looked at him. MIKE : I just did a freaking ROCK CONCERT you... >He had meant the Knight Sabers. MIKE : Whoops! Ain't my face red? >"Oh, well, nothing has come up yet. CROW : Oh, I wouldn't say that... MIKE: You'd better not. >GENOM's been preety quiet." TOM : Yees. Preety quiet. Veery quiet. > "Yeah..." > "Leon," Priss stammered, "I'm sorry for what I said >earlier." MIKE: She's sorry she said yes. > Leon gave her another shit-eating grin. TOM : So, if Leon had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. MIKE : Yes, but you'd have to be talking about a major increase in personality. He'd have to be ten times more charming than that Lum chick on _Urusei Yatsura_. CROW: Ladies and gentelmen, the _Pulp Fiction_ sketch. >"Ah, forget it! ALL: Wish we could. >You changed your mind, you're here. And besides, dinner does >amazing things to a woman." CROW: Not that Priss needs to skip any meals! Grrrrowwwlll. > "Now look, if you think I'm going to spend the night with >you--" MIKE: You're even dumber than you look. TOM: Like _that's_ possible. > Leon gaped. "I said THAT? Priss, I take things slow, if >you know what I mean. CROW: Nudge nudge wink wink say no more! MIKE: PLEASE say no more. >And--what the HELL?" He stomped on the >brake; the car screeched to a halt. CROW : Why don't they look? > "What the blue hell?" TOM: "Blue." Not quite an effective word as "shock," is it? MIKE: Well, it's 2032, not 2099. >Now Leon was out of the car, heading >toward the collection of AD Police vehicles that stood near an >alley, lights flashing. CROW : They're bringing Oswald out! >Priss also stepped out. Her eyes went >wide at the sight, but she didn't want to follow. At least, not >yet. MIKE : So I just wait here then? > The body near the AD Police cruiser looked as if it had been >through a meat ginder. CROW: Yo! Welcome to the Grind! >Except for the fact that guts were >everywhere and that the head was missing, it was definitely >human. TOM: Unless it was a boomer. > Leon was glad his stomach was empty. MIKE: He liked dry-heaving! > Most of the officers >around him had already puked or were looking >green-around-the-gills. Daily Wong approached him, CROW: Vanishing Son!!! MIKE: That's Russel Wong. >taking a >sidelong glance at the remains. "Hey, we should have contacted >you. But you found us anyway." TOM: So I guess that's irony, huh. > "Who are they?" Leon whispered. "What about the guy in the >seat?" He indicated the headless body in the AD Police cruiser. MIKE: So *that's* what Monster Joe did with the car. > Daily looked at the pad he carried. "It's Kobayashi and >MacAllister, Leon. MIKE: Come on! Everyone knows Kobayashi was just a name Verbal made up from the bottom of the coffee mug. TOM: And MacAllister was left "Home Alone." >But they're not the only ones." CROW : I'm not the only one, oohhh, I'm not the only one... > "What?" > "We found another body several blocks from here. What was >left of it..." TOM: Could fit in a body-bag. MIKE: Could fit in a garbage bag. CROW: Could fit in a zip-lock bag. > "Could this...this whole thing have been done by a Buma?" > Daily shrugged. "Can't say, Leon. All the Buma cases we >worked on never looked like this. Never. MIKE: Well, what about that one cop at the start of BGC #1? TOM: Yeah... CROW: And then there was the "vampire" cases... TOM: Okay, so a lot of Buma cases end up like this. Sheesh. >It just doesn't make any sense." TOM: Well, that's anime fanfic for you. >He shook his head as he spoke. Then he looked up. >"I think your lady-friend is interested." CROW : Not in you, though. > Leon turned and saw Priss walking over. He walked up to >her, put his hands on her shoulders, MIKE: Look. Gentle pressure (tm). >and tried to move her away. > "Priss, this is a crime scene. You can't come here." TOM : Shut up before I turn YOU into a crime scene! > "Leon, what the hell are you--My GOD!" She had seen the >bodies in the alley, and she nearly collapsed in shock. MIKE: For a mercenary boomer-hunter, Priss sure has a weak stomach. > Leon didn't talk anymore. ALL: Halelujah!!! >He just hugged her, being the nice guy he was. CROW: Yeah. Right. Real nice guy, that Leon. > Their appetites had left them both, TOM: And were on a plane for Bora Bora. >so the only thing they could do was have a drink. MIKE: Drowning your sorrows in liquor is fun! > The place was a small bar on a crowded Shinjuku street, CROW: Off Hikeeba Avenue. >a quiet affair MIKE: "Love Affair" was a pretty quiet movie, wasn't it? >with a large front window. CROW: Oh, that's gonna get broken. TOM: No question. >No loud music, no unruly >drunks--just a quiet place for couples. TOM: Do those exist in cyberpunk stories? MIKE: You consider this a cyberpunk story? TOM: Point taken. > Leon took a sip of his beer, his eyes not on Priss but on >the slow traffic outside. Priss noticed this. CROW : He's finally not trying to look down my shirt. > "So," she said finally, "Do you think it was a Buma, Leon?" > He turned his eyes on her again. "No, I don't think so. I >mean, these guys were ripped apart! I _knew_ them, Priss! MIKE: Sorry, Leon, you're no... TOM: Kevin Kline CROW: Mel Gibson. MIKE: Ralph Finnes. >I went on patrol with them, got drunk with them, and even went >through a few scrapes with them!" TOM : They told me to go with the Don Johnson look. > Priss put her hand on his. ALL: WHAT?!? TOM: Oh, please don't let us lose our respect for Priss! >"It's all right. Just let it out." CROW: Uh, no. Please, no. TOM: Keep it in. Please, keep it in. >She gave a chuckle. "Hah, look at me, Miss Melodramatic." TOM: Holly Hunter? MIKE: Jodie Foster? CROW: Jessica Lang? > Leon laughed, although it was strained. MIKE: Like his character. CROW: What character? MIKE: Point taken. >"You're doing a >good job of it. No, Priss, like I said, no Buma could have been >responsible for those deaths. Not even a 33-S type." TOM : 33-S for your Sega Genesis! > Priss remained silent, her memory of Anrie and Sylvie coming >to mind. MIKE: The faces of those she's wronged float before her. TOM: Hey!!! She didn't have a CHOICE!!! D.D. would have blown up the whole city if Priss hadn't... MIKE: Cool out, Tom. TOM : Sorry, but... CROW:...You're a hopless Otaku. TOM: Shut up, shut up, shut up! > "But, Daily and the chief told me not to worry, to sit this >one out. CROW: When did this happen? >So, here we are." > Priss said, "I might be getting involved." TOM: Oh, please not with him. Please. > "Oh, you and your associates," Leon answered, making sure >not to mention the Knight Sabers. CROW : Ooops. Did I say that out loud? >"If you are, be careful. This >killer or these killers may not be Bumas. If they are, they may >be a new type." TOM: That Leon, what a genius in the study of Bumas! MIKE: He already SAID they couldn't be Bumas. > "I know, Leon." > "Well, until they arrive, let's finish up our poisons, shall >we?" CROW: Okay, but drink your's first! > The next thing Leon knew, there was blood everywhere. MIKE: Yeah! Priss stabbed him!!! > Screams went up from the bar. ALL: The Zima Man! NOOOOOOO!!!! >Acting on reflex, Leon drew out his gun and scanned the area. TOM : Everybody be cool this is a robbery! MIKE: I think you guys have been watching one too many Tarantino movies. > The body on the floor in front of him had been thrown from >the door at the back of the bar. CROW: Um, bouncers are supposed to throw guys *out* of the bar, not *into* the bar. >Parts of it were missing: TOM: Plot... MIKE: Grammar... CROW: Character development... >arms, the head, and some flesh. But then something else came from the >back door, heading in Leon's direction. > "PRISS! LOOK OUT!" TOM: It's a J.A.I.L.E.D. agent!!!! Hide your bootleg copies!!! > He got a good look at the thing before it crashed through >the front window. CROW: Told you. >It was about six feet tall, bipedial, with >powerful arms and legs, and a long thrashing tail. The skin was >scaly, a brownish color crossed by red stripes. The thing had >massive claws on its feet and hands. But the face! It was flat >and lizardlike, with large red eyes. ALL: Jack Palance?! NOOOOO!! > Then it was gone, speeding across the street, to the shock >and surprise of the crowd outside. A man was in its way; it >disemboweled him with a swipe of its arm. > Leon stood at the shattered window, gun in hand. Priss >stood next to him, her cheek cut by a shard of glass. CROW: Leon will probably try to kiss it better, the lousy... > "What was that thing?" > "Dunno. Probably our killer." He offered her a napkin to >wipe the blood from her cheek. TOM: Shouldn't you be CHASING IT?!?!? >"But it looked like a--" > Priss caught the word "Velociraptor" before Leon jumped >through the window onto the sidewalk. "Where are you going?" MIKE : I left the iron on! > "After it! Call the AD Police! And watch yourself!" > "Leon, be careful." > He gave her a wink. "Hey, you're the lucky one. I don't >have a suit of armor." Then he was off. TOM: All right! He's not wearing a suit of armor! MIKE: We can only hope his gun is unloaded. CROW: He's gone, and so are we. MAGIC VOICE: What's wrong, guys? MIKE: We're worried about Ryoga. TOM: If Dr. Forrester uses that invention on him, it could turn him into a mindless vegetable. MAGIC VOICE: Don't worry guys, Ryoga's fine so far. I've been monitoring him. See? RYOGA: Banana bread, cheddar cheese bread, plum bread, chicken bread, jalapino pepper bread, mint bread, peach bread, chocolate bread, tea leaf bread... DR. F: Help me.... RYOGA: Turnip bread, lemon bread, cinnemon bread.... MIKE: Oh, so he's still safe. TOM: Wanna try to do a skit so Ryoga will run from Deep 13 like a bullet from a gun? MIKE: Maybe later, cause we've got MOVIE SIIIIGN!!! > B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S: > > Evolution In Cold Blood, Part 2 MIKE: Wish I had some bread. TOM: There's apple bread, and bread burgers, and... > Written by M. Mckenzie, based on characters > and situations from the OVA series. > The story so far: A series of brutal killings has occured >in Mega Tokyo. The culprit, a strange creature, is being pursued >by Leon McNichol. This creature was also responsible for >breaking up Leon's date with Priss. TOM: At least it's good for something! > Leon ran, following the trail the thing had left. It had >killed three more people since it had appeared at the bar. The >trail it had left was a bloody one. In his mind, Leon hoped that >the AD Police would arrive quickly. TOM: Not too quickly I hope. Let Leon fight it first. Unarmed. MIKE: He will be after that lizard gets through with him. CROW: Unlegged, too. > He felt bad about leaving Priss; he felt worse about not >explaining to her the name he had mentioned. MIKE: Forgeting all about the people killed in the bar. > "Velociraptor" was the name of a dinosaur that Leon had read >about some time ago. It was six feet tall, and a ferocious >killer-even more than the dreaded Tyrannosaurus Rex. TOM: Um, I've *already read* Jurassic Park!!! CROW: I found Raptor Red if you were looking for it. >What he had >seen, however, looked _human_--and besides, what the the hell was >a dinosaur doing in Mega Tokyo? TOM: Don't sweat it. It will all be explained. > He had arrived at a three-story mall. CROW: And all three of the stories were written and drawn for Dark Horse Manga by Adam Warren. TOM: _Grand Mal_ was a fine work, you hear me! A *fine* work! >People were running >out of the front doors. It's in there, he tought. MIKE: He tought he taw a puddy tat! >Pushing his >way through the crowd, he entered the mall. What he saw made him >gag. TOM: Such wasteful extravigance could make anyone gag. >The headless body of a young girl lay near him. A bloody >trail was smeared on an escalator. Leon headed up to the next >level, checking every dark corner. > The blood trail went on for a distance, then it stopped. > Leon saw it. > It was hunched over a victim, tearing and chewing at the >body. CROW: Oh, he'll spoil his appetite. >Buma, hell! Leon bit back the urge to vomit; MIKE: Reading this, I know the feeling. >instead, he >lifted his gun and yelled, "Don'tmove! This is the AD Police! >Turn around and...and put your hands up!" CROW : I thought the police always said "Freeze" > The thing froze, then it stood upright and faced Leon. He >got a better view of it. It had human proportions, with a >muscular chest and neck, but the lizard-like head regarded him >with its glaring red eyes. TOM : You talkin' to me? >The mouth opened, revealing wickedly >large and sharp teeth. A low growl came from its throat. MIKE: Grrrr. I want to see Stan Winston, NOW! > Leon thumbed CROW: ...a ride from a passing car. >the safety off. "Don't move or I'll shoot!" > The creature jumped. > Leon fired twice before a powerful blow sent him sprawling >and his gun flying. He smashed through a storefront window, his >jacket and shirt shredded, his head pounding. MIKE : The raptor is made of liquid metal. >He pulled himself >up, but he couldn't stand. A signal wasn't getting through to >the right place. He saw his gun, lying on the ground, seemingly >a million miles away. > "Uh-oh..." A dark shadow fell over him. CROW : Uncle Barnabas is gonna do something really bad! >Leon found himself looking up at the face of death-- TOM: The Victor Mature one, or the one with David Caruso? MIKE: That's *Kiss* of Death. > --When the creature backed away, screaming. Blood spurted >from its right eye; MIKE: Damn contact lenses! >it reached up and pulled out a long steel >needle from the bloody mess and threw it to the floor. CROW: Whassamatter? Can't take a little needling? > Four figures dropped down and surrounded the creature. Leon >grinned, even though it hurt. TOM: We only laugh when he hurts! > The Knight Sabers had arrived. MIKE: And there was much rejoicing. 'BOTS : Yay. > "Knight Sabers...GO!" TOM : Mastadon Lion Thunderzord Power!!! TOM : Heh. Excuse me. > At Celia's command, Linna, Nene, and Priss readied >themselves for action. MIKE: *After* Sylia said "Go?" CROW: They were expecting her to say "Ny-to Sabers...Sanjo!" MIKE: Not bad, Crow. CROW: Well, some of my parts are from Japan. > "Priss! Is that what you saw?" Nene asked. TOM : No. It was a *different* six foot homicidal lizard. We'd better leave this one alone and go after the other one. > "Yeah! Be careful! It's going to--" > With a howl, the creature charged. CROW : Sorry, we don't take "Jurassic Express." >Celia's green-blue suit >fired a blast from the disrupter in its right palm. MIKE: Is this anything like that "Jet Jaguar" guy you two told me about? TOM: Sort of, only I doubt these girls can program themselves to grow. CROW: Yeah. That's what silicone is for. MIKE: Crow... >The creature dodged and swung its arm. The claws barely missed her as she >leaped away. Priss and Linna fired their weapons, but the beast, >with uncanny ease, evaded them. TOM : Missed me, missed me. >Screaming, Nene let loose with >her hardsuit's lasers. MIKE: Gee. Nene panicked. What a surprise. >The beams hit the creature, punching >through flesh and bone. TOM: With Dennis Quiad and Meg Ryan. CROW : You brung her to me. >It went down in a pool of blood and did not move. MIKE: Should have read the sign that said "No Diving." > Cautiously, the Knight Sabers approached, weapons trained on >it. > "Good work, Nene," Celia said. TOM: Nene kicks butt...when she panics, at least. > "Yeck! What is it?" Linna asked. > "Looks like a dinosaur," Priss added. "Leon!" She turned >and looked at where Leon was. He was standing outside the >shattered glass, unsteady, looking at the four Knight Sbers. CROW: Why is it everytime the Knight Sabers arrive, Leon can only stare at them like an idiot? TOM: What do you mean *like* an idiot? MIKE: The idea of strong and independent women is totally foreign to Leon, so his brain shuts down...even more-so than usual. >No one spoke or moved until Linna said, "Hey, let's go. We've >already killed it, right?" > "Yeah, let's go," Priss echoed, still looking at Leon. TOM: What stirring dialogue! > Then all hell broke loose. CROW: C'mon. That Star Trek fanfic sucked. > The creature shot up from the floor and caught Priss by the >neck. It flung her against the wall and slashed at her with its >claws. MIKE: Boy, does this guy need a manicure. > "PRISS!!" TOM: STELLA!!! MIKE: ADRIAN!!! CROW: WILMA!!! > The other Knight Sabers pointed their weapons, but they >couldn't fire; Priss was in danger of being hit. MIKE: I'd put her out of her misery, so she wouldn't have to date Leon. >The creature didn't care about this fact; TOM: Please don't cloud the issue with facts. >it was digging its claws into the >armor of Priss' hardsuit. Priss struggled, but the hardsuit's >enhanced strength couldn't break free of the beast's grasp. It >smashed her head against the wall; Priss saw stars, MIKE : Look, Raul! Stars! >then teeth, as the thing attempted to bite through her helmet. TOM Gimme some sugar, baby. > A shot rang out. CROW: A door slammed. A maid screamed. Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon! > The creature stiffened, then its head exploded in a spray of >blood, bone, and brains. TOM : Nice...alliteration. >It released Priss, staggered back, and >fell, blood pumping out of the mess that was once its head. MIKE : Oh, geeze... > Leon brought down his smoking gun. TOM : You....guys, okay? CROW : Yeah, if nothing else is said that will make us... >"Don't mess with the champion marksman of the AD Police!" he said. >Walking over to >the body, he took a glance, then regarded the Knight Sabers. CROW: Ohh, I hope that's it. MIKE: I'll get some sawdust later. >"You okay?" he asked, his eyes steady on Priss' blue pinkish-red TOM : Hey! Watch where you're staring, Leon! CROW : I am! >hardsuit. When no one answered, he added, "Well, I'll take it >from here. And--thanks. Again." > Without a word, the Knight Sabers jumped up to the mall's >third level and were gone. MIKE: Attention, there is a special on 33-S bumas on level 3! > "Hmmm," Leon said, watching them go. He turned to the left, >where he heard the sirens of several AD Police vehicles. TOM: Cops always seem to arrive *after* all the action, don't they? > "'Bout time. And as for you, you ugly motherfu--" He >stopped short. MIKE: Phew! The FCC would have nailed us! > The lizard-like creature was changing. The flesh was >rippling, twisting, transforming-- CROW : Oh, dis must be that morphing process I've heard so much about. TOM: Oh, ya. > Leon stepped back. "What the HELL is going on here?" CROW: At Comedy Central! MIKE: Kiss-up. > Lying in front of him was a naked man. MIKE : Go on, say it! I *dare* you to say it! I *double* dare you! CROW: I...I wasn't going to say anything! > High above Mega Tokyo, an unusual aircraft made a 180 turn >and headed away from the mall. Inside, the Knight Sabers removed >their helmets. Priss turned hers around, grimacing at the damge >it had recieved. TOM : Just when it was out of garantee. > "Mmmm, he was pretty hungry, Priss," Linna said. > "Yeah." MIKE: Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, man-lizards go wild for the rich taste of Knight Sabers! > Celia asked, "Priss, are you okay? Really." > Priss shrugged. "The suit took some damage, but it held up." > "But if Leon hadn't been there, Priss--well, you know," Nene >replied. CROW: Priss is depressed since she figures she "owes" Leon something. > Priss became silent. Fom the cockpit, Mackie turned and >asked, "Jeez sis, what the hell went on down there?" 'BOTS: Howard Mackie?!?!?! Noooooo!!!! TOM: Gambit Limited Series! Ack! CROW: Rogue Limited Series! Bleack! MIKE: Be cool guys. It's not Howard Mackie, it's just Celia's brother. TOM: Oh. I was worried! CROW: As long as it's not the Ratliff of Marvel Comics, I'm happy. > "I don't know, little brother," Celia said. "I've never >seen anything like it before." MIKE: And I've watched a _lot_ of sci-fi movies! > "Yeah!" Linna added. "It was fast as hell! It definitely >wasn't a Buma!!" CROW : *They* move like turtles! > "Leon said something--uh, the word 'velociraptor'. I guess >it resembled something like it." Priss said. TOM : I like Jell-O. > "Velociraptor?" Celia asked in wonder. Turning to Nene, she >said, "Nene, get us some information tommorrow when you go to >work. There's got to be an explanation behind all this." TOM: That gives me an idea. Let's go. CROW: So Tom, what's your rational explination for this fanfic? TOM: Well, it is my believe that Mr. McKenzie, in his fascination with genetic engineering, the popularity of Jurassic Park, Raptor Red, and Carnisaur, created a kind of waped man lizard character for the Knight Sabers to fight. Since the Knight Sabers only fight robotic constructs, this shows a return to more primitive and natural stage for villians, and also shows how threats to humanity can come in any period in history. MIKE: Tom...that made absolutely no sense. TOM: Alright. He probably read _Jurrasic Park_ and wanted to adapt it for BubbleGum Crisis. Happy now? MAGIC VOICE: Guys! Red Alert! Dr. Forrester is ready to try his invention! ALL: NOOOOOO!!!! RYOGA: ...Plum bread, liverwurst bread, and, my favorite, Oreo Cookie Bread. Hmm, I seem to be strapped into a device designed to jolt electricity through my body. DR. F: That's right! You, Mr. Habiki, are about to become a guinea pig... RYOGA: Who are you calling a pig!!!! DR. F: ...in an experiment of epic evil proportions! Why, if this works, I can leave Nelson and his robotic cohorts on a collision corse with... RYOGA: Wackiness? DR. F: No, the sun!!! Now, Ryoga, perpare to have a fanfic directly hardwired into your brain!!! RYOGA: Really? I wander around a lot, so I don't get much time to read fanfics. Think you could upload "Synchronicity?" It's this great Star Trek/ Dr. Who crossover... DR. F: Who do I look like, Albert Schwietzer? I'm evil! I think I'll upload "Cyborged" a Star Trek/Dr. Who crossover not quite as good as "Synchronicity," but you'll be too brain-fried to know the difference. RYOGA: I think I'm in trouble. ALL: STOP PICKING ON POOR RYOGA!!!! DR. F: Oh, do shut up! It's Cyborg time, Ryoga. RYOGA: Poopie! RYOGA: ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIIIGGGNNN! > B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S: > Evolution in Cold Blood > Part 3 TOM: Poor Ryoga. CROW: I know... > Written by M. Mckenzie, based on > characters and situations from the > OVA series. MIKE: Quickfire guys! TOM: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. CROW: Poor Ryoga. > The story so far... > The vicous rampage of a strange creature through the streets >of Mega Tokyo ended with its death due to the combined efforts of >the Knight Sabers and Leon McNichol. Now, the day after, answers >are coming--as well as more questions.... MIKE: The question on my mind is Ryoga's sanity! > Morning came to Mega Tokyo. > Much was mentioned about the night before. The media spoke >of a new type of Buma; the computer nets and tabloids pinned the >blame on a doped-up freako in a costume. ALL: Barney!!! >The Knight Sabers also recieved extensive coverage. CROW: Those media hogs! > The truth, however, was located in the morgue of the >headquarters of the AD Police. CROW: You can't handle the truth! MIKE: If it's in the morgue, who'd want to? > Leon McNichol entered the busy office, nursing the lump on >his head. Cheers went up from his fellow officers. ALL: Give us Barabus! > "Hey, it's the monster killer!" one said, slapping Leon hard >on the back. A female officer playfully pinched him on the rear. TOM Let's see how YOU like it! >Leon accepted the praise and well-wishes, then made a beeline for >the chief's office. Daily Wong and the chief were already there. > "Leon! Baby!" Daily said as Leon entered, "how are you >feeling?" > "Okay, 'cept I got a wanger of a headache. CROW: He knows all about "wanging." MIKE: Watch it, Crow! >It's a twenty-one gun salute up there." TOM : Let's fix that by shooting you 21 times in the stomach! >Leon pulled up a chair and sat >down, dropping a sheaf of papers on the chief's desk at the same >time. "Here's the report of last night's incident." > The chief glanced through the hard copy printout. "There's >still the matter about what the corpse did, Leon." > "Ah, shit chief, c'mon! I saw it with my own two eyeballs! CROW : You know, those things that you see stuff with? >It-the thing-changed into a man after I had killed it!" > "I can accept the part about the Knight Sabers, but for the >love of God, Leon--" MIKE: The Miami Vice look went out of style fourty years ago! > Leon balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth. TOM : KAHN!!! KAAAAAAAAHHHNNN!!!! >Slowly, he asked, "Has there been an autopsy done on the body?" > The chief, either unaware of Leon's anger or not caring at >all about it, pulled on his moustache and said, "No, the coroner >isn't finished--" but he was interrupted by the phone. He picked >it up, said a few words, ALL: A few words. >and hung up. "He just completed it. CROW : Isn't that convee-ee-ent? >He wants a few words with you, though." MIKE: Three, actually- BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!! > Leon stood up just as Nene entered, out of breath. "Sorry >I'm late," she said. MIKE : Had to get tickets to see NIN. > Leon, Daily, and Nene stood around the autopsy table as the >coroner removed the plastic sheet covering the body that lay >there. MIKE: Please God, I'm only seventeen. > "EEYUCK!!" Nene grimaced. The blood had been cleaned up, >but the shattered head was still a gruesome sight. TOM: Funny, everyone else thought it was the funniest part of "Pulp Fiction." > Then she peered closer. "Hey, that's a man!" CROW : What's _that_ thing? I've never seen anything like it! It's ugly, yet strangly alluring. > "Yes, Miss Nene, it is," Leon said. Turning to the coroner, >he aksed, "So doc, what have you found?" MIKE: Carmen Sandiego *and* Waldo. > "Well, what we have here is a male caucasian, twenty-nine >years old, in good physical condition. TOM: Dean Cain? >Cause of death was two >gunshot wounds to the head. That's the straightfoward stuff." > "Straightfoward?" Daily inquired. TOM: 'Course, Daily isn't... MIKE: No, Tom, no. > "Yes. Because, you see, he was wounded before. Here, look >at these two large areas > of scar tissue. ALL: *Whew*! >He was wounded there, >by what I think were high energy weapons, but somehow, the wounds >healed themselves. Rather rapidly, I must add." > "A healing factor?" Leon asked. TOM: Methinks the author has read "Wolverine" a number of times. MIKE: Is "healing factor" a real term? CROW: It is now. > "Yes. But there are several other things. TOM: Grammar... MIKE: Character development... CROW: Plot... ALL : THEY'RE ALL MISSING!!! >I found >abnormalities in the bone structure of what was left of the jaw, >skull, and the legs. The leg muscles were also abonormal." MIKE : Now, a message from the Knight Sabers about the dangers of anabolic steroid use... >He turned to Leon. CROW: Oh, you still here? >"Incredible as it may sound, you were right, >Leon. One hundred percent. TOM: Leon was right about something. Spooky! >But there's more." > "What?" > "Come here." The coroner led the trio to his cubicle. A >computer terminal was there, on-line. The coroner sat down and >puncehed in a command, then pointed at the screen. MIKE: Look! Doom V - Beating a Dead Horse! > "Here. This is the blood sample of a normal human bieng. >Notice those red, donut-looking things-- TOM : Oh, I hate it when he uses scientific talk. >the red blood corpuscles, >or RBCs. TOM: Red Buttons Channel? MIKE: Royal Baton Cola? CROW: Really Bad Cartoon? >Unlike other cells of the human body, these do not have >a cell nucleus." > "Hmmmm," Leon said. TOM : Veery een-terestink. > "Hmmmm, indeed," the coroner mimicked. CROW : Hmmmm, indeed. >"But look here." >The screen switched to a different sample. TOM: Whoops! Who left these pictures of Pamela Anderson on file? >"This is the blood >sample taken from our guest over there. Look. Half of his RBCs >have a nucleus. The other half do not." MIKE : This shows how your marrage will never work. > He turned and faced the group. "There is only one class of >animals, comparable to mammals, that have nucleated RBCs--the >reptiles." TOM: The guy from Mortal Kombat who you fight in the Pit? > Leon's eyes went wide. "But how do you explain--how can you >explain--" CROW: The lame ending to KOR? The world may never know. >He glanced at the body on the table. > The coroner held his hands up. "That's not even the whole >thing, Leon. TOM: Well, of course not. It's head was blown off. >Look at the screen again, all of you." He punched >several more keys. "This is a sample of our guest's DNA. Now, >here is another sample that has several matches to it." > "Where's the second sample from? A lizard?" Daily ventured. MIKE: Daily Ventura: Pet Detective! > "Exactly. It's actually a composite sample made up from at >least ten species of lizards. And yet," he tapped the screen >with his pen, "there are parts of our guest's DNA that are a >mystery to me. TOM: Why do I get the feeling this guy used to work for the LAPD? >By the way, I did this test purely on the rumors >that our guest was some kind of lizard monster." > "Did you pull an ID on him?" Leon asked. CROW: He's Dr. Curt Conners! > "Oh! I should have mentioned that before," the coroner >said, chuckling. TOM : Where's my head today? Where's *his* head today? >"Yes, using fingerprints, I found that he >is...yes, here it is. He's Darren Serrick, a freelance computer >data engineer." > Leon gave the picture on the screen an eyeball inspection. >It was the face of a square-jawed young man with a thick shock of >hair, dyed blue. CROW: Anime characters DYE their hair? MIKE: What did you think? CROW: I figured it was the radiation from all the nuclear wars. >"Freelance, doc? Where was his last place of >employment?" > "Ahhh...here. He was doing work for the Nakamura-Kellar >Natural History Museum. You know, that new museum that opened up >about four years ago." TOM: It's four years old, but that's "new" in my book! > "Hmmmm...yeah, I did hear of it, but I've never been there. CROW: Oh, like the female... MIKE: No way, Crow. No way. >Any more info?" > "Yes. His supervisor was a Dr. Shinjii Yahagi. Here's the >information." The computer printed out a hard copy sheet. TOM: I get all *my* tabloid info from "A Current Affair." > "Thanks, doc." Leon said. He took the sheet and turned to >Daily and Nene. "Daily, stay here. If any new information comes >in, stay on it. Miss Nene, you'll accompany me downtown on a >little trip." MIKE : No. >He put on his shades and walked out. > > The Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum, in Nene's >opinion, was ugly. As Leon parked the AD Police car, she got a >closer look. It resembled an ultratech horseshoe with a dome >connected to the rear. CROW: A horse's rear? MIKE: That's Leon, silly. >The space it occupied was large, but the >building itself seemed overwhelmed by the skyscrapers rising up >on both sides. CROW: He has skyscraper envy! > There wasn't much of a crowd as they entered the building; >Nene guessed that the "monster" from the night before was making >everyone nervous, even if it was dead. TOM: Oh, like Christopher Columbus. He's been dead four hundred years and people still get nervous talking about him. > As they entered the main hall, Nene changed her mind about >the building being ugly. On the outside, maybe. But on the >inside, it was amazing! There was a one-hundred foot long >dinosaur diorama, MIKE: Now that must need one BIG shoebox to display it in. >complete with realistic animatrons: a >Tyrannosaurus CROW: Hey, Tom... MIKE & CROW: Tyrannosaurus Red Dragon Thunderzord Power!!! >Rex, as large as a house, faced off against a Triceratops; MIKE & CROW: Triceratops Unicorn Thunderzord Power!!! TOM : Shut up. >a Dimetredon lay on a rock, waving the large >fin on its back; and a female Hadrosaurus kept watch over her >clutch of eggs. MIKE: Pride of lions, gaggle of geese... and *clutch* of eggs? >There were mony other displays, skeletons, and >holoshows around the hall. > Leon gave a low whistle. CROW: Dino's got back! > Definitely impressive stuff, he >thought. It was the first time he'd been here; he wondered why >he hadn't come earlier. He had seen videos and pics of the >complex during its construction and opening. > A thin man in a steel-grey suit approached Leon and Nene. >His hair had been dyed a deep purple, TOM: Groovy, baby... >and his eyes were a deep >blue. "Hello," he said, "May I help you?" > "Leon McNichol and Nene Romanov, AD Police." Both of them >produced their badges. MIKE: Hey, who's talking? > "Cassoval Pellerin," the man said, extending his hand. Leon >shook it. "I presume you want to see--?" TOM: Plot... MIKE: Grammar... CROW: Character development... > "Dr. Shinjii Yahagi. We have a few questions to ask." > Nene saw Pellerin's face cloud over for a brief moment. >Then he said, "Of course. Please come with me." MIKE: Try it and you're a dishwasher, Crow. > Dr. Yahagi's office was small, with a desk, a computer, and >a large bookcase. Several posters adorned the walls; a periodic >table here, a geologic history of the Earth there, and pictures >of extinct animals elsewhere. TOM: I took this picture of the Sabertooth Tiger last year!! CROW: You mean your autographed picture of Aiesha, the Yellow Ranger? TOM : Shut up, just shut up! > The man himself was of medium height and build, with >salt-and-pepper hair that was slicked back. His moustache was >trimmed, but his dark eyes seemed capable of penetrating >anything. CROW: Do you think he... > Leon introduced himself and Nene, and Dr. Yahagi dismissed >Pellerin. "Now, Officer McNichol, what can I do for you? TOM: Stick you in a pit full of starving dogs? >Wait--you want to ask me questions about last night, I presume." MIKE: I'm Griswell! > Leon produced a picture of Darren Serrick. "Do you know >this man, Doctor?" TOM : The gun went off by accident!...I mean, no. > Yahagi took the picture. His hand began to shake, and he >looked at the two in alarm. "Why--why that's Darren Serrick! >He-no, he couldn't have been responsible for last night!!" > "Dr. Yahagi, it's true. I'm sorry," CROW: You're a character in a bad fanfic, >Leon said. He gave a >full account of the night before. > Yahagi sat at his desk and shook his head fiercely. MIKE: Whoops! I'll get it, Tom. TOM: Whew! Thanks, Mike! >"Mr. McNichol, that is impossible. A man cannot transform or be >transformed into a monster. It is the stuff of legends and old >wives' tales." CROW: And really cheesy movies the Mads send us. > Leon went on. "We also took these samples from the body. >These are the test results." He handed Yahagi a folder. Yahagi >read the results, and groaned. TOM: "My So-Called Life" has been cancelled! >Then he put it down and stood up. >He walked to the back of his office, then faced Leon and Nene. > "I--I used to work for the GENOM corporation. I see by the >look on your face that you are not their biggest fan, Mr. >McNichol. But please hear me out. TOM : No, that was just the burrito I ate backing up on me. > "At the time that GENOM was doing R&D on the Bumas, I was >part of a project doing research on DNA cloning and >recombination techniques. Yes, I know this work is not new, MIKE: It's the subject of numerous Micheal Chriton stories... >but GENOM wanted to take the work a step further. They were hoping >to find a way to change one active DNA structure into another." TOM: Funny, Barry Shreck thinks the LAPD has done that already. > Nene's eyes widened while Leon's narrowed. CROW: Like anyone could tell the difference with those two! >Yahagi saw this >and chuckled, "The project was scrapped, however. It was deemed >impractical, and unethical, in the end." MIKE: GENOM? Do something unethical? Nooooo. > "Impractical?" Nene asked. > "Yes. The general idea was genetic research and money. >Imagine giving a human the characteristics of certain >animals--fish, gorillas, reptiles. A human given the fish >characteristics could perform well underwater, without the aid of >breathing equipment. TOM: Wasn't that on an old G.I.Joe episode? CROW: Nah, it was an episode of the Smurfs. MIKE: No, it's the plot to Waterworld. >Give a human the characteristics of a >gorilla, they will have greater power, strength. CROW: The secret of professional wrestling revealed! >Give a human the characteristics of a reptile, and--" MIKE: You've got a Comedy Central executive. 'BOTS: Be careful!!! You want to wind up on at 2 A.M.? > "And what?" Leon asked. > "Officer McNichol, I think you've been reading too much >science-fiction." TOM: No, the author of this fanfic has. > "But how do you explain Serrick?" CROW: I assume his parent's were very much in love and... > "He was doing work on the side for GENOM. TOM: Hopefully, not any "special favors" for Quincy. >Maybe they >decided to restart the program. Why don't you ask them? They'll >probably give you the answer." CROW: In the form of a question. > Leon glared at Yahagi, but said nothing. MIKE: _There's_ a first! > "And now, I have to relay this sad news to my staff. CROW: A shame really. They all loved "Full House." >I'm sorry,but I can't answer any more questions. If you have any >more, feel free to contact me." Yahagi walked to the door and >opened it. "Good day." CROW: Will you please leave!!! > The sun was climbing steadily toward high noon by the time >Leon and Nene left the museum. Pulling out of the parking spot, >Leon uttered a low curse. > "What's wrong?" Nene asked. TOM: It's daylight! It's never daylight in cyberpunk! MIKE: You call this cyberpunk? > "What's wrong?! Nene, he's hiding something; I'm sure of >it." > "Then why did he tell us about his work at GENOM?" > "I don't know...but--" The carphone rang. Leon answered it, >and Daily's face appeared on the screen. > "Leon!! I've got news for you! By the way, how was Dr. >Yahagi?" CROW : Think he'd go for me? > "He was your typical tight-ass, my-lips-are-sealed type. >But what do you have?" TOM: A rather unpleasant rash located... MIKE: No, no, no. > "Well, old Doc over here found something else with our >guest." > "WHAT?" ALL : AHHH! > "That's not all, Leon. The chief wants you to check out a >call that came in a short while ago. Some storeowners in the >area where the creature appeared had break-ins last night. Maybe >there's a connection." MIKE: To the "On Leather Wings" story from "Batman: The Animated Series." > "All right, we'll check the store out first. What's the >address?" > Daily sent it through. As soon as they had it, Leon put the >pedal to the metal and headed in the direction of the incident. > > After Leon and Nene had left, Dr. Yahagi sat at his desk, >agonizing over what he had to do. He hit the intercom switch and >said, "Pellerin, Yamagata, Hoshino, and Bergs: TOM: All members of Shonin Knife. >Meet me in D-section. Immediately." ALL: Yes, sir! > After saying this, he stood up, pushed a button under his >desktop, and faced the back of the room. The bookcase moved to >one side, revealing a hidden doorway. Yahagi stepped through, >and opened another door, and descended a short flight of steps. MIKE: Why do I get the feeling Wayne Enterprises used to own this building? > He emerged in a huge room, nearly ninety feet wide. All >around were large banks of computers, CRAY towers, and video >screens. But at the center of the room was a large platform, >with a ring surrounding it. Above the platform, an emmitter-like >object was held fast by a giant claw assembly, which in turn was >connected to giant machine that hummed ominously. Wires snaked >out from the platform to the computer banks. TOM: It's the computer from Superman III! CROW: No, it's the cloning chamber from Judge Dredd! MIKE: Guys, it can be both those things and more. > Yahagi looked at the sight in front of him. "I should never >have rebuilt you," he said in a shaking voice. MIKE : I've thought that often myself. > Another door opened; Pellerin, Yamagata, Hoshino, and Bergs >entered. TOM: Ladies and gentlemen...SHONEN KNIFE!!! >"What's going on?" Pellerin asked. > Yahagi turned to him, eyes blazing. "Who the hell do you >think you are!! Why did you evolve Serrick!! I told you...no >human tests, not yet!" > Pellerin returned a cool gaze. "Oh really, Dr.? TOM: Doctor who? MIKE: Exactly. TOM: What? ALL: Third base! >Well...I'm afraid you do not know the whole story." He reached out, grabbed >Yahagi by the neck, and _lifted_ the man clear off the ground! MIKE: Where is the drug? CROW : What drug, this is an oil refinery! TOM: Ladies and gentlement, the _Alien Nation_ sketch. > Yahagi began choking, and tried to pry Pellerin's grip >loose. It was no use. He tried to plead to the others, but they >simply stood there. Pellerin noticed this. > "Sorry Doctor...but they are loyal to ME now. I think >you've started to forget certain things... TOM: Like where you left MY WINNING LOTTERY TICKET!!! >I don't think I should have to remind you of them, do I?" > "You're mad!" Yahagi choked out. > "Mad? No, Doctor. Unlike you, I've become enlightened. >What did you tell those two officers?" MIKE: You didn't tell them we stole this set from the Guyver series, did you? > "I told them nothing!" > "Yes. And as the saying goes, pigs fly." He let go of >Yahagi's neck; the doctor fell to the floor in a heap. TOM: Darn it, who left this heap in the middle of the floor? >"Remember >this, Doctor. I am in charge here. You are only a false face. I >don't want to kill you, but I will if necessary. My revenge >isn't complete, but tonight will be the next stage. And, so help >me, no one--not you, not even the Knight Sabers-- will stop me." TOM: Edward D. Wood Jr. would be proud. MIKE: Bela Legosi would be perfect for those lines! >M. Mckenzie >St. Peter's College >"Kill me? Those are pretty tough words for a pussy!" > --Jean LacQuemonde, from STRIKER CROW: Well, that made no sense, so it fits in perfectly. MIKE: We're outta here. TOM: Remember, be tough and unrelenting. CROW: But also remember this is the man who can cut off your food, water, and oxygen on a whim. MIKE: Right, got it. Roll it, Cambot. MIKE: Dr. Forrester, I implore you, not only as your Happy Temps test-case, but also as a fellow human being, to free Ryoga Hibiki from the torment of having fanfics piped directly into his fragile mind. And not good fanfics like Star Trek's "Wake" or "Nexus"... 'BOTS: Fanboy. MIKE: Hush. Or the X-Files' "Dragons" or Quantum Leap's "In Your Eyes." You are uploading into him fanfics so bad, we could barely stand them. It is only a matter of time before he totally snaps, and not even you could control him. I beg you, be a humanitarian as well as scientist, and free Ryoga Habiki. Thank you. TOM: Great job, Mike! CROW: Almost bought a tear to my eye, 'cept I don't have tear ducts. MIKE: What do you think, sir? DR. F: Oh, *do* shut up! I've finally won! I've proven too many bad fanfics can cause insanity. Hey, Ryoga, do you think I'll get the Mad Scientist "He Tampered in God's Domain" award? RYOGA: Kill me...please kill me... DR. F: Oh, dear, you're too busy enjoying "Treklander II" to listen to me. Well, I have to take this bucket of water... DR. F: ...across the room. Excuse me. DR. F: Whoops! Hope I didn't electrocute Ryoga...hey, where'd he go? Well, I can fix this no sweat. Hmm, what smells like bacon? ALL: Whew! ALL: We've got fanfic siiiiign!! > B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S: > Evolution in Cold Blood Part 4 > >Written by M. Mckenzie; based on characters and situations from >the OVA series. Copyright (c) 1993, Marc Mckenzie. TOM: I didn't know Marc Mckenzie created the Knight Sabers. MIKE: Hmm, this was written before "First Frontier," and... 'BOTS: Fan-boy! Fa-a-an Boy! MIKE: Leave me alone! >THE STORY SO FAR.... ALL: STINKS!!! > Mega Tokyo, the year 2032. > A series of brutal murders in the city was connected to a >strange creature that was brought down by the combined efforts of >Leon McNichol and the Knight Sabers. Upon its death, the >creature changed into a man. Now, the day afterwards, Leon and >Nene found answers, as well as more questions. Having questioned >a top scientist and ex-GENOM employee, the two are off to >investigate a series of break-ins... > > "All right," Leon said, "here we are." TOM: Inspiration point! > Nene looked out the window as he parked the AD Police >cruiser across the street from one of the stores mentioned >earlier by Daily. The two got out, and crossed the street. The >store's owner, a short fat man wearing a loud cyber-blue shirt, >green shades, and leather jeans, waited for them. MIKE: Joe Peshi? > "There you are! Look at this! I can't believe it!" > The two showed him their badges, and the owner gave his >name: Lester Gaff. TOM: Edward James Olmos? > "What happened?" Nene asked. > "Simple!" Gaff replied, "I had locked up last night, and I >was coming her to open up at ten o'clock when I saw this horrible >sight!" CROW: Roseanne in a string bikini! >He indicated the front of his store with one hand, the >other hand wiping the tears out of his eyes. > Leon glanced at the front of the building. The large pane >of glass in the front was shattered; glass was scattered >everywhere. The sliding front door was a ruined metal heap, >having been yanked out of its slot despite the fact that it had >been locked down tightly. Leon and Nene stepped through the >entrance, Gaff behind them. TOM: Guess they won't get the security deposit back. > "I mean, look at this! This damage is irrepairable! What >am I going to do?" MIKE: Stop hiring Johnny Depp to lock up the place at night. > Nene bent down and began to examine a smashed monitor and >CPU. The place was some kind of computer service, she deduced, >although she had not seen a sign outside indicating that. TOM: In truth, it was a Savings and Loan! >Running her hand across another CPU, she felt a series of >furrows. Eyes widening, she turned and said, "Leon! Look at >this." CROW: Oh, it's another "chip" from the X-Files. There must be dozens of those. > Leon was at her side in a second. He bent down and peered >at the furrows. He ran his finger along one of them. "Claw >marks," he said. Shocked, Nene gave him a look. CROW : Get your mitts offa me!! > Standing up, Leon walked over to Gaff. "Listen, did your >store have security cameras?" > "Why, yes! What kind of a question is that? I deal with >important things here!" TOM: Real important stuff. You wouldn't *believe* some of the important stuff I have! > I wonder how important, Leon thought, MIKE: So important, even the author doesn't know! >but he said, "I'd like to see them. Right now." > > Luckily, whoever had trashed Gaff's store had left the >security cameras unharmed. MIKE: Is it luck, or is it a plot contrivance? >Besides, Nene thought, they were >pretty well hidden, considering that Gaff was a complete asshole. CROW: Therefore, well hidden cameras equals... MIKE: No. > The three were in the remains of Gaff's office, crowded >around the small screen that was hidden in his desk. Pushing a >series of buttons, Gaff turned on the screen and activated the >disk. > "The security disk is one of those 24-hour models," TOM: I've heard modeling is a 24-hour-a-day job. >he remarked, adding, "I hear that they also have 48-hour models. Is >that really true?" MIKE: As a matter of fact, yes...WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT!!!! > Leon resisted the urge to tell Gaff to shove his disk up a >certain private part, saying, "Let's see it." CROW: Not the certain private part, I hope! > Gaff started the disk. It was from a camera that was near >the rear of the store, set in a corner. The screen showed only >the interior of the place, the rows of CPUs and monitors sitting >in silence. Leon noted the time: 9:00. Nothing occured during >that hour. TOM: Or so O.J. says! >But then, a dark shape dashed across the camera's >field of view. CROW: Micheal Crighton's Congo! > "Wait!" Nene said, "hold it!" > "Back it up, Gaff," Leon urged. "Play it at half speed." TOM : Slowing down the tape to watch the dirty bits! That's not right! > Gaff backed up the sequence and replayed the sequence >according to Leon's instructions. The shape moved across the >screen, this time slower. Gaff froze the image and magnified it. >"Good God," he said in shock, "what is THAT?" MIKE: Is this Congo or Rising Sun? > On the screen was a bipedial figure, dark-brown in color, >with red stripes. It was the same creature that Leon had killed, >the same creature that had turned back into Darren Serrick. > > Nene glanced at Leon on the way back to AD Police >Headquarters, noting the blank look on his face. TOM: Of course, that was nothing new to her. >When she asked >him if anything was wrong, he shook his head. But there was >something wrong, and Leon was still trying to sort it all out. MIKE: Like why such a boring supporting character like him would be the main character in A.D. Police Files. >It had been Serrick who had trashed the store, all right. Not >just that store, however. CROW: Serrick must be acting out the aggression he feels from living in such a rigid and strict family. >Both Nene and Leon were returning from >the third store on the list of six that had been vandalized. Yet >there was more. ALL : Oooh! Not more! > The stores, to a great extent, handled a lot of computer >programming jobs. MIKE: Mostly run by people half my age who know more about computers than I could ever hope to. >Not just minor stuff, but massive mainframes. TOM : I'm huge! >Although small, the stores had very big clients--the U.S.S.D., >Gharland-Jerricks Inc., and GENOM. GENOM was one company that >the stores all had in common. And the things they had done >for GENOM were not minor projects, but heavy stuff--most of it >dealing with the programming of Bumas and other GENOM hardware. >The stores were all freelancers, but if their cababilities were >knocked out in some way, it could give GENOM a bit of a headache. CROW: Hey, slow down! If you're going to do plot exposition, do it at a slower pace. > That was thought number one. Thought number two was about >Darren Serrick. TOM: I thought Leon could only have one thought a day. > True, he had been working at the >Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum, but he had also been an >employee of Gaff's store. The whole thing stank. MIKE: He agrees with us! >One name game up CROW: The name game! >in Leon's mind: Dr. Shinjii Yahagi. CROW: Shinjii, Shinjii, foo-finjii, banana-fana foh-finjii, me-mi-mo-minjii. Shinjii! > Could the man's hatred for GENOM have driven him to do the >unthinkable? MIKE: And make a sequel to "Weekend at Bernie's"? >Had he actually used the research he had developed >at GENOM to strike back at his former employer? It all seemed so >obvious....and yet, it all seemed wrong at the same time. TOM: Uh-oh, he's thinking too hard again! > Leon shook his head as he drove. No, there was another >connection...but what was it? ALL: Who cares? > Daily Wong was waiting for Leon and Nene to return. As soon >as he saw them, he waved them over and headed for the elevator >leading to the morgue. > Leon caught up with him. "Daily! Where the heck are you >going?" > "Remember what I told you? The doc found something in >Serrick that you might find interesting." TOM: Sayyyyy.... MIKE: Tom, Serrick's dead. TOM: Ewww! > "Shit. I remember now," Leon said, smacking the heel of his >hand on his forehead. MIKE: Better luck next time, Kooky! >He turned to Nene and said, "Miss Nene, >tell the chief that I'll see him...after I'm done in the morgue. >Give him a full report on what we found." > Nene gave a nod CROW : I'm so submissive. >and watched as Leon and Daily got onto the >elevator. When the doors had closed, she promptly went to the >chief and gave her report. TOM : The Life of Geroge Washington Carver, by Nene Romanov >As soon as she was finished, however, >she headed straight for the nearest phone and dialed a very >familiar number. TOM: Do you think it's wise to call the Knight Saber's secret headquarters from a *phone inside police headquarters*? > Mackie Stingray gave a low sigh as he finished repairing the >damage to Priss' hardsuit. MIKE : Our insurance is gonna go through the roof. >As he turned off the laser torch, he heard his sister and Priss >enter the repair room. Linna was out, visiting an old friend. TOM: Gunsmith Cats? > "Mackie!" Priss cooed. MIKE : Priss is really a mutated pigeon!!! >She walked up to her finished >"hardsuit and admired it. "You did a great job, kiddo!" She >emphasized the point by pinching one of his cheeks. CROW: Which cheeks? MIKE: The ones on his face. Now be quiet! > "Ah, it was nothing, Priss. I just had a problem with the >the front armor pla--" TOM: Plasma? MIKE: Platlets? CROW: Planet? >He was cut short as the videophone rang. > Celia reached the machine first. The screen flickered, and >Nene's face appeared. TOM: It's the all geeky channel! > "Nene! How's going with the case?" > Nene looked around, then looked back at the screen. "Well, >we learned a few things." She gave a brief summary of the day's >events. When she mentioned Darren Serrick, Priss and Celia >traded shocked looks. MIKE : Why did we ask a teenager to be a vigilante again? > "You mean...you mean that thing was actually a GUY?" Priss >asked. CROW : Eww, gross! > "Yeah...and the sad part was that he was really attractive." MIKE: Aside from the missing head and everything... > "Nene!" Celia said, slightly angry. TOM: I thought the emotionally dead don't get angry. MIKE: No, Dana Scully does sometimes. TOM: Oh, yeah... > "Oh, sorry. Anyway, here's the rest of it." She finished >up her report. CROW : In conclusion, George Washington Carver was a very important man. Thank you very much. > Celia said nothing for a few moments, then asked, "What is >the ADP's plan for tonight?" MIKE: We plan to order pizza and watch Cynthia Rothrock movies. > "I don't know. But Celia...that Yahagi guy looked kinda >creepy to me. He might be behind this whole thing." CROW: So then, creepy equals guilty. > "True, but we might have to dig a little deeper. And we >don't have that much time to do that. Nene, get over here right >after work. Priss and I will be here. TOM: Playing Tetris. >Mackie, get on the >mainframe and try to dig a bit deeper into this guy Yahagi." MIKE: Celia likes to say "dig a little deeper," doesn't she? > Nene hung up. Celia turned back to Mackie and Priss and >said, "Let's get to work." > > At the same time Nene was giving the chief her report, Leon >and Daily were down in the morgue. Both men looked on as the >coroner pulled back the sheet that covered the body of Darren >Serrick. TOM: The head is magically reattached--whoops, it didn't work. > "Glad you came back, Leon," the coroner muttered. "After >you left, I decided to poke around a little more inside our >guest. I found this." He held up a small specimen disk and gave >it to Leon. In the dish was round metal object no larger than a >pea. > "What is it?" Leon asked, handing it back. MIKE: A serving dish from Weight Watchers! > "I'll tell you what it is. Look here." The coroner held >the dish under a magnifying scope. The object appeared on the >main screen, and details appeared. It had a grooved surface, and >seemed to have tendrils or wires sticking out of it. TOM: Hey! I was looking for that! How'd it get in this fanfic! MIKE: What's the chip do? TOM: None of your business. > "It was in Serrick's head, deep within the brain. CROW: Keanu Reeves is Johnny Mneumonic. >Luckily, you didn't destroy it when you splattered his intelligence all >over the place." > "Cut to the chase, doc. TOM: Dr. Chase Meridian? >What the hell is it?" > "I don't know. Strangely enough, though, it was inside the >part of the brain that deals with muscle control. Most of its >cables were connected to other parts as well." CROW : I know! It's the chip that would make Tom's arms work! And it's up there! Ha! TOM : You're in the same boat, pal. > Leon looked at the object. Somehow, it seemed to fit >together... MIKE: It will be great for his collection! > He turned to Daily. "Come on. We'd better talk to chief." TOM: O'Brien? MIKE: And you call _me_ a fanboy? > The chief tugged at his moustache, folded his arms, and >leaned back in his seat. CROW: All at once? >He then looked at Leon and said, "Leon, >are you absolutly sure about what you just said?" TOM: Yeah! Stove Top instead of potatoes. > "Believe me chief, it sounds weird as hell, but it's the >whole truth. Trust me." CROW: Tom Cruise is doing a "Mission Impossible" movie. > The chief leaned foward and stared both Leon and Daily. TOM: You're such a cute couple. >"You mean to tell me, right here, right in my face, that I should >round up everyone we have here and send them out in the streets >because there's going to be an attack of mutant lizards?" MIKE: That sounds great for a movie! Let me call Roger Corman. > Leon glanced at Daily, then at the chief, saying, "Yes >sir." > Slamming his fist on the table, the chief yelled, "Do you >know how stupid that shit sounds?" MIKE: Wish somone told the author that. > "I know it does," Leon shot back, "but trust me, it is the >best way to go." > "He's right chief," Daily added. "That one creature from >last night is'nt the whole story. TOM: Not more stories!!! CROW: More Warren stuff...sheesh! TOM: You better not bad mouth _Fatal But Not Serious_! It's almost as good as "Fantastic Force!" CROW: Then we agree. TOM: Good...huh? Hey! MIKE: Shush, you two. >If Leon is right, then that guy Yahagi is bound to cook up >a few more of them and send them out." > "What I don't know is why we aren't arresting his ass," >Leon muttered. TOM: Mainly because the rest of his body will be free! > "Because you don't have concreted evidence, asshole!" the >chief screamed. "All you have is speculation!" CROW: And that stuff with the sundial with the W and S. > Leon gave a smirk and said, "Yeah, and I guess the AD >Police is going to look really good in the public eye >tommorrow..." MIKE: That movie with Joe Peshi and Barbra Hershey? > The chief threw his hands up in the air. CROW: And waved them like he just didn't care. >"All right! All >right!! I'll get everyone together." He leaned across his desk >and and wagged a finger in Leon's face. "If you're wrong," he >said slowly, "your ass is mine." TOM: Better not try it, Crow. Mike is getting that look again. > Without another word, Leon and Daily got up and left the >office. Outside, Daily asked, "Leon, are you absolutly sure >about this? I mean--what if--" MIKE: Apes evolved from men! > "Don't even worry about it , Daily. Believe me, something >is going down tonight." CROW: We need more action to pick the fanfic up! > Mackie typed in another sequence on the keyboard in front >of him, a smile appearing on his face as the words ACCESS >APPROVED appeared on the screen. TOM: Yes! I've got access to the Playboy Homepage! > "Okay...let's see what you've got." MIKE: No, Mackie spends a little too much time seeing what the KS's have got. > Behind him, Celia and Priss watched as he entered another >coded sequence. Again, another barrier was broken. At the same >time, Nene and Linna entered the room and stood beside Priss. CROW: One of these anime babes is not like the other, one of these anime babes doesn't belong. TOM: Nene, her hair is pink and she must be only 15. >"What's Mackie doing?" Linna asked. TOM: He has this wierd idea about making a show called "The Client," only it won't have anything to do with the John Grisham book. > "Something that I should be doing," Nene replied. MIKE: Acting like that stupid girl from "Angel's Revenge?" TOM: Which one? MIKE: Um, all of them, I think. > Mackie leaned back in his chair and said, "All right. I'm >in one of GENOM's mainframes. I can't stay too long, CROW : Ceila will be mad if I stay out past cerfew. >but here comes the information on Dr. Yahagi." > On the screen, a picture of Dr. Yahagi appeared. Beside it >was information concerning height, weight, POB, etc. ALL: POB?!?!? TOM: Pueblo Ortega Burrito? MIKE: Party Of Barbeques? CROW: Pulled Off Balance? >Mackie and >the Knight Sabers noticed the red lettering above the picture: >Former Employee, #1283644922-YS. MIKE: He stole *that many* office supplies? > "Well, he's had quite a bit," Celia said. "Born in Japan, >BS degree CROW: No doubt the author has a degree in B.S. as well. >in Biology from Penn State University in the US, >Masters degree from UCLA..." TOM: Privacy degree in MYOB. > "What did he do at GENOM?" Priss remarked. > "I though Nene already mentioned that," Mackie groaned. >"Okay, he was part of the 'Proteus Group'." TOM: Founded by Kevin MacTaggart. MIKE: Tom, only 25 people are going to get that. > "'Proteus Group'?" Linna asked. > "Proteus...that must refer to the Greek god who could >change his shape," CROW: Or the X-Men villian who could warp reality. >Celia said. "Mackie, what else do you have?" CROW: Aside from a collection of Steve Reeves movies. MIKE: As long as we don't start the Reeves/Kevin Sorbo arguement again. > "Not much. TOM : I'm sort of a one-trick pony. >The group did not recieve too much funding >after the Bumas became GENOM's mainstay. The research they did >is classified, though." CROW : Naturally, I can hack my way into that, even though I'm only 17. >He typed in another sequence of numbers, >but nothing happened. "Sorry, sis. I can't go into those files. >But I did pull a pic of those who were in the Proteus Group." > "Put it on." CROW: Okay, but wearing this thong makes me feel cheap. > Mackie's hands attacked the keyboard. ALL: Hikeeba!!! >Seconds later, a picture appeared on the screen in place of >Yahagi's own. It was of a group of scientist, TOM: A group of one scientist? Must have multiple personality syndrome. >mostly male. Behind them was some kind >of apparatus that could not be identified. TOM: It looks like a nuclear powered bottle opener. CROW: No, it's a storage facility for all of Keith Richards' vitamines. MIKE: Guys, it can be all those things and more. >Some of the men in the picture were known to the >Knight Sabers, though. MIKE: They were the Sabers' prom dates! > "My God...that's Brian J. Mason!" Priss said. TOM: He was the second gunman at the grassy knoll! > "And that man is Yahagi," Celia said. "That old man near >him is Quincy, I believe." MIKE: Ceila can't reconize Quincy? > Nene suddenly shouted, "I know him!" CROW: Yeah, Quincy is the head of GENOM. > "Who?" TOM: I didn't know the Doctor would appear in this fanfic. CROW: Doctor who? TOM: Exactly! ALL: Third base!!! > Her finger shaking, MIKE: Don't you give ME the finger, young lady! >Nene pointed to a young man who stood >near Mason. "That guy. I saw him at the museum! I mean, his >hair is different and he's older, but those eyes..." > "Who is that person, Mackie?" Celia asked. > Mackie brought the information up in a second. "His name >is Jareck Van de Meer. CROW: Didn't he play the bully in _Angus_? >Shortly after this picture was taken, he >was dismissed from the Protues Group. MIKE: He was caught stealing Quincy's girlie magazines! >A few months later, >according to this, he was killed in an explosion at a Buma >factory." TOM : Gee, I wonder if Brian J. Mason had something to do with *that*! TOM: See...Mason killed Ceila's father by setting off an explosion at a Buma factory... > "That can't be right," Nene said, shaking her head. "I saw >him at the Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum. But he was >using the name 'Cassoval Pellerin'." > "An alias," Priss added. > "Why, though?" Linna asked. CROW: Gee, I don't know. *Maybe he was working on a scientific plot to create monsters*!!!! MIKE: Chill, Crow. Enhance your calm. > Celia stood up and walked over to the wall. TOM: Smacking right into it. >She turned to >the four and said, "I want us to get ready for tonight. Nene, >you don't have any pressing business at ADP headquarters, do >you?" CROW : No, I can get replacement to pop out of the cake at the bachelor party. > "No...but there's going to be a pretty big police force out >there tonight. The chief told me that my division wasn't part of >it, though." TOM : Something about it being man work, or some silly stuff like that. > "Good. Let's get ourselves together. If someting's going >to go down, we want to be there." CROW: So we can "go down" >MPHPH!!!< MIKE : Uh-uh. > Dr. Shinjii Yahagi tried to open his right eye, but the >dried blood had sealed it shut. His left eye wasn't in great >shape either. TOM: Left Eye from TLC? She's in great shape! Grrrowlll. MIKE: Quit chasing waterfalls, Tom. >He tried to sit up straight, and felt the >handcuffs around his wrists chafe his skin. Both of his >arms were in back of him, around the back of the chair that he >was sitting in. CROW: Newt Gengrich's education system! > "One more time, Doctor...what did you tell them? The two AD >Police officers?" > "I...I told them nothing, Pellerin...or should I call you >Van de Meer instead?" TOM: Just don't call him "dude!" > Standing in front of Yahagi, Pellerin (aka Jareck Van de >Meer), sighed, then punched Yahagi in the face again. TOM: Hope he remembered to cover the windows. MIKE: : The time has come for everyone to clean up their own backyard. >The scientist's head rocked from the blow, and blood dribbled from >his mouth. As he spat out a tooth, he shouted at Pellerin, >"Goddammit, I told you everything! EVERYTHING!! What >the hell is the matter with you?" CROW : What do you expect? I'm evil! MIKE: Creeps me out how well you do that... > Pellerin bent down and smiled at Yahagi's face. "I just >don't believe you, Doctor. TOM: I guess even other bad guys think Yahgai is creepy, and therefore untrustworthy. >That's all...and all you will ever say again." > With sudden speed, Pellerin grasped the top of Yahagi's head >with his right hand and twisted it with his left. TOM: Yahagi has a child-proof head! >The Doctor's neck gave way with a gruesome, crunching sound, MIKE: Is someone breaking spagetti? >and his body went limp. > Behind Pellerin, his assistant Hoshino spoke up. "Why, >Pellerin?" CROW: Well, why not? > Pellerin turned around and faced Hoshino and the other >members of Yahagi's staff at the Nakamura-Kellar Natural History >Museum: Yamagata, Bergs, and Looris, who had just arrived. TOM: Hello... MIKE: Hello... CROW: Hello... ALL: HELLO! >"Why, >Hoshino? Because we don't need him. Not anymore. After all, I >designed those machines, yes? Besides, I'm more concerned about >tonight's attack plan. Are all of you ready?" > "Yes," came the reply from the four. > "Good. Tonight it's the secondary GENOM R&D laboratory near >the center of the city. It's close to the big time tonight, >boys. And I want no screw-ups. CROW: This fanfic is screwed-up enough. >Yahagi must've screwed around with Serrick. MIKE : Not. A. Word. >I trust that he never got to any of you." TOM: He *was* irritating, but no. > The men shook their heads. Finally, Pellerin said, "All >right, let's go. Tonight, Mega Tokyo will have a few unexpected >visitors. And then...GENOM is next." MIKE: But, they're IN Mega-Tokyo. > The sun began to sink below the horizon as night began to >fall on Mega Tokyo. The crowds on the street were few, and they >were not surprised to see the massive prescence of AD Police >vehicles. ALL: Stock footage! >Something big was going to happen...and all that >anyone could do was wait... CROW: But we can't! MIKE: Boy, these Knight Saber action figures are great! TOM: I think it's great. The Knight Sabers are strong willed independent women, making them great heroes for girls, and appeal to men with non-stop action. TOM: Er...Can I be Largo and those two Generic Boomers? CROW: Sure, and I'll be Linna and Celia. MIKE: I call Priss and Nene. Hey, where's the Leon figure? CROW: Here it is. TOM: Cool! MIKE: That Leon figure looks suspiciously like a repainted Commander Riker figure. CROW: Gee, imagine that. TOM: Hey, don't you think we should be checking on how Ryoga is doing instead of playing with action figures? MIKE: Normally yes, but I've got this great Knight Saber's headquarter's playset, complete with training center and Mackie figure. Mackie battle armor not included. TOM: All right! ALL: FANFIC SIIIGN!!! > B U B B L E G U M C R I S I S: > Evolution in Cold Blood, Part 5. CROW: Is there an AD Police Files action figure subdivision? MIKE: Maybe in '96. > Written by M. Mckenzie; based on > characters and situations from the OVA series. > Copyright (c) 1993, Marc Mckenzie. > > THE STORY SO FAR... > Since the vicious rampage of a strange creature through Mega >Tokyo the night before, Leon McNichol and the Knight Sabers have >been scrambling to find answers. Tonight, they just might find >them... TOM: But don't count on it. > The large armored transports of the AD Police rumbled >through the streets of Mega Tokyo, drawing stares from the >curious. MIKE : Oh, wow. >Inside, the officers of the ADP checked their weapons, >armor, and each other as they prepared to disembark at their >assigned locations. CROW: Why'd they have to check each other? MIKE: Hush, child. > Inside the lead transport, Leon gave his flak vest harness >yet another tug. The vest was uncomfortable, and hot to boot. TOM: I'd like to boot him! >Turning to Daily, who also wore a similar vest, Leon asked, >"Well, where did the chief assign us?" MIKE: He assigned them to transfer Erika Elaniak to another prison. > Daily checked a small screen in front of him and replied, >"Hmmm...you're going to love this. He's placed us at the >secondary GENOM R&D laboratory." TOM: Gee, just where the next attack is gonna be. What a wild coincidence. > Leon's eyebrows shot up. CROW : Happy in Hell with my Heroin Girl! >"What? You gotta be kidding!" > "Nope. My guess is that since you were on that kick about >GENOM, he might as well assign us there." MIKE: Or it could be an atempt by the author to put Daily and Leon at the spot of the big fight scene... > "Jesus," Leon groaned. "Me and my big mouth." ALL: Tell us about it. CROW: Better yet, don't. > "At least we'll have two other squads joining us." TOM: I thought there was only one Squad, and they were dead. MIKE: That the Ultraverse Squad. > "Daily, you had better pray that they'll be enough." > > At the secret training/repair facilities of the Knight >Sabers, Mackie Stingray punched in a series of instructions and >recieved his answer on the computer screen. TOM : Your access to the Traci Lords homepage has been denied! > "The transports are heading to these areas," Mackie said, >indicating the red icons that were moving through the computer >generated map of Mega Tokyo. > Celia, Nene, Linna, and Priss, all clad in their respective >hardsuits, but not wearing their helmets, regarded the map >closely from behind Mackie. Finally Celia said, "We can't act >right now. TOM: They can't act at all! MIKE: That joke only works during Star Trek fanfics. >When something comes up, get us there, Mackie." > "Gotcha, sis." CROW : Under my skin... > "So what do we do now?" Linna asked. > "We wait." TOM : Good thing I brought a magazine... > Revenge. > That one word kept drifting through Cassoval Pellerin's mind >as he regarded the machinery in the room. The tools of my >revenge, my conquest, he laughed to himself. TOM : My, my, my Shirona. > The secret had eluded the members of the Proteus Group for >what seemed like an eternity... MIKE: What is the formula for Coca-Cola? >and Jareck Van de Meer had >discovered the key to solving the mystery. It should have been >his ticket to fame... CROW: And Pamela Anderson's home phone number. MIKE: Crow, she'd be sixty four in 2032. > But everything had come crashing down, ALL : And the walls...come tumbling down...and the walls... >and soon Jareck Van >de Meer was dead, and Cassoval Pellerin had taken his place. The >mind was still the same, and soon it would be satisfied. CROW: It would know the answer! TOM: 42! > Pellerin sat in the large chair before an equally large >screen, placing his hands on the keyboard of the computer. MIKE: That should read large hands on the large keyboard of the large computer. >He tapped a key, and the screen flashed to life. TOM : This is HAL. I'm ready for my first lesson. >There, against a >map of the city and a grid of information, four green shapes >moved. My soldiers of my private little war, he thought. The >fools never realized that he was tracking them right now, due >to the small microtrackers he had implanted in their brains. CROW: Their intelligence was amplified, but their lifespan, shortened. MIKE: I really liked that show. >The microtrackers could also give them enhanced strength. One more >invention of Van de Meer that had instead been credited to that >fool-- > "Yahagi," he said, TOM : Yes? Oh, wait, I'm dead. >"you couldn't have wiped your own _ass_ >without my help." MIKE: Explains the dirty underware. >Chuckling, turned to the machine which had >made this day possible. It stood there in the center of the >room, still warm after the recent use. CROW: Do you think it... Never mind. >It would be used as many >times as possible, or until the crime against him was avenged. CROW: Or until Detectives Brisco and Logan caught him. MIKE: Logan's gone, Crow. CROW: Looooooo-gaaaaaaaaaaaannn!!!!! TOM: Whoah. >Near the machine lay the tattered, bloody remains of Dr. Shinjii >Yahagi. The scientist was already dead, so the only thing he was >useful for was food for the things Pellerin had just unleashed on >the city. CROW : I do so love Japanese. It's brain food. > Pleased with himself, he turned back to the screen, waiting >for the action to begin. TOM: Curse these ten minutes of coming attractions! MIKE: Yeah, yeah, don't panic if there's a fire, don't litter.. > Above the great buildings of Mega Tokyo, the propfan >transport of the Knight Sabers kept a steady holding pattern. CROW: Funny how in the future, radar can't track the KS's transport. >In the cockpit, Mackie kept one eye on the instruments and the other >on the skies. MIKE: So Mackie is cross-eyed? TOM: With all those babes to stare at, who wouldn't be? >Behind him in the fuselage of the aircraft, Nene stared screen CROW: It's the Stared Screen Saver. From the makers of After Dark. >and said, "Well, they're all at their locations, >everybody." > "Wow, at least _something's_ happening," Priss said >ruefully. MIKE: We'll finally get some *action* in this fanfic! >"Celia, what if nothing happens tonight? What if >we're all wrong?" > Linna spoke up before Celia could answer. "But Priss, what >if something does?" > "Well...." TOM: Then we're screwed. > "Damn," Leon cursed. "Make your move Yahagi, will ya?" MIKE: Jeeze, I wish he'd just move his rook to Queen's 4 and be done with it! >He was leaning against the side of the ADP truck, assault rifle >cradled in his arms. TOM: Nice, rifle. Good, rifle. Oh, you're such a cute rifle. >All around him, other ADP officers tried to >blend in with the dark, or looked at the building they were >assigned to protect. CROW: But they couldn't do both? God, they're inept. > The GENOM R&D laboratory was not the primary one GENOM used, >but it was still a critical facility. Much of the Buma research, >as well as other top secret projects, were conducted here. The >building itself resembled a smaller version of the main GENOM >tower. Although the staff was gone, the lights were still on. TOM: Like any supermarket. > Leon snapped on his walkie-talkie. "All teams, report in." > "A-Team--OK." > "B-Team--OK." > "C-Team--OK." CROW : ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! > Leon spoke with the groups for a short time, then signed >off. He looked at the time: 10:30. MIKE: Oh, no! I'll miss "Silk Stalkings"!!! >"Shit, maybe the chief was wrong," he muttered. > Daily heard him and said, "Hey, the night's not over yet." > "True. Very true." > > The leader of A-Team was ALL: George Peppard. >stationed at the eastern side of >the building. His squad was the smallest, consisting of only >seven men. Cursing to himself, he wished that he was back at his >small apartment, giving his girlfriend a really good-- MIKE : Dinner. That's all. Dinner. 'BOTS: Sure, Mike. > "Boss! There's something out there!" TOM: And it's ready to PARTY! > The leader grabbed his night vision goggles and stared out >into the night. There was nothing there... CROW: Except for some ellipses. > "What the hell did you see?" he asked the officer. > "Just two figures, moving real fast--" MIKE: Bruce Jenner and Jackie Joyner Kersey? > A scream came from one of the men. Turning, the group >leader saw the man fall to the ground, his chest torn open. >Panicking, the leader brought up his rifle and opened fire. ALL: Fire indescriminately! >Something flew past him...and as he gave a quick glance, he saw >the head TOM: On MTV's Oddities. >of another member of the squad. > "Goseki!" he shouted. He opened fire again at the bushes, >calling out for the remainder of the men to do the same. Nothing >happened...but then something stepped out of the bushes, followed >by three more. The leader's bladder let go. CROW: Jeeze, people in this story need "Depends!" >What was there couldn't be possible-- MIKE: Ollie North! And he never went to jail! > That was his final thought. TOM : Courage. > Leon and his team had heard the gunfire from A-Team and >rushed over immediatly. CROW : Oh, I *knew* that A-Team was too violent! >When they got there, however, it was too >late. Bodies and parts of bodies lay scattered ground, and the >smell of blood hung in the air. Daily stepped on something that >gave a wet, squishing sound; MIKE: A sponge? 'BOTS : I'm plowed into the ground... MIKE: Not *that* Sponge. >looking down, he saw that he had >stepped on the intestines of a disemboweled officer. TOM : Well, at least he didn't need it anymore. >Choking down the vomit in his throat, he croaked, "Leon, it's Heike." ALL: HIKEEBA!!! > Leon stared at the gruesome remains. "They're here. Seven >officers taken down..." He quickly glanced around just as >another officer said, "Leon, look at this!" CROW: It's a Sampo! > The officer was pointing to a large, ragged hole torn into >the side of the building. There were several bloody footprints >inside, and as Leon examined them, he knew right away. MIKE: O.J. was here! >Quicky, he picked four men to go with him. TOM: Oh, they're dead. >Turning to Daily, >he said, "Get the rest of the teams over here. Also, get on the horn >and inform everyone about what's going on." > "Roger." TOM: Clinton MIKE: Daltrey. CROW: Moore. > Taking a look at the hole and then at the four officers, >Leon said, "Let's go." > > Heart pounding, Leon rounded a corner, rifle at the ready. >Nothing. The footprints had vanished some way back, but the >small group had gotten a very good look at them. The prints >were a foot long with three toes. Yet they were not made by >anything human. CROW: Does that mean humans in cyberpunk stories have 3 toes? > The group continued along the corridor. Leon nearly jumped >when the officer behind him tapped him on the shoulder. "What?" MIKE: Gee. He should have used Gentle Pressure (TM). > "Leon, listen. That sound..." > Straining his ears, he heard. A series of crashes, the >sounds of shattered glass, machinery being thrown about... TOM: Oh, is Axl Rose trashing *another* hotel room? > "It's about twenty meters ahead," said the officer. > "All right. Get ready. Remember, short, controlled >bursts." > The group covered the twenty meters in seconds. Soon they >stood in front of a large steel door, marked with the sign "DO >NOT ENTER> TOP SECRET EXPERIMENT IN PROGRESS." TOM: They're trying to discover the popularity of Yanni! >There was >something wrong, however. The steel door lay on the floor. It >had been torn off of its supports, and the room was opened. Leon >glanced in. What he saw made his blood turn cold. MIKE: Cold Blood. Well, I knew Leon was a real snake. > The room was large, over one hundred feet wide. It was in a >shambles. Computers were smashed and crushed, tables were >overturned; chairs had been flung everywhere. Several Bumas that >were being built had been ripped apart, their parts tossed on the >floor. The floor itself was covered with a layer of broken >glass, plastic, and hydraulic fluids. CROW: Jeeze, this is going to destroy the fanfic's budget. >And standing in the >middle of the room were four figures, each one about six feet >high. One was light brown with black spots; the second was a >light blue with green spots, and the third and fourth were >similar in appearance, with their olive-green skin. But the >faces!-- > "NOW!" Leon shouted. The five officers ran in and quickly >formed a circle around the creatures. "Don't move!" Leon said. TOM: You'll ruin the dramatic tension! > He had expected the things to jump, but instead, they simply >stood there, regarding the officers with their red eyes. CROW: Red Eyes? That was OAV #6, wasn't it? >Suddenly, one reared its head back and simply laughed. > Leon nearly lost it. It was a demon's laugh, it was one of >pure evil. But it could have also been-- MIKE: Aaron Spelling, creating yet *another* young adult drama. > Without warning one of the creatures shot toward an officer >with lighting speed. Leon and the others opened fire, but then >the other creatures sprang toward the them, jaws open, teeth >showing. TOM: Oh, they're using Baking Soda toothpaste. MIKE: Oh, that's sharp! >In horror, Leon saw one of his men sliced open, his gut >spilling to the floor. As the man fell, the creature decapitated >him with a swipe of its hand. Two more officers were taken down >by the two green creatures. CROW: Oh, c'mon. Eco-terrorists are so passe! >Backing up, Leon and the officer kept firing, hoping against all odds MIKE : You comin' back to me, is against all odds, it's the chance I gotta take... >that they wouldn't meet the same fate-- ALL: Kill Leon! Kill Leon! Kill Leon! > --When the ceiling above their heads gave way. > The creatures looked up. Leon did too, and saw four >familiar figures drop down into the room. > Once again, the Knight Sabers had arrived in time. MIKE: And there was much rejoycing. 'BOTS : Yea. > Seated in front of his computer, Pellerin slammed his fist >down. "How?" he growled. "How did the Knight Sabers know?" TOM: If it wasn't for those kids and their dog... > If they had arrived, then it could only mean trouble. >Pellerin gave the idea some thought. CROW: The Knight Sabers are here. That can only mean trouble. >Silently, he punched in >OMEGA-23-117-RX-78-GO. A small panel on the keyboard opened, and >a red button appeared. Pellerin regarded the button cautiuously. >The code and the button were all from Brian J. Mason, a >sort of compensation for what had happened, but still... MIKE: He was expecting more than just an O.J. Simpson Pog. > "No," he said, "not yet." TOM: We better drag this story out some more... > Priss' fist connected with the creature's face. She heard a >crunching sound as the thing backed away, screaming in pain. >Taking the chance, she fired two steel darts at it. One hit the >creature's right eye, the other embedded itself in its torso. CROW: Lizard shishkabob! > The rest of the Knight Sabers were fighting the three other >creatures. One seized Linna and sent her flying into a corner. >Seeing this, Celia fired her disrupter cannon. The beast dodged >one blast, but not the other. Its chest erupted in a scarlet >spray of blood, guts, and bone. It fell to the floor and did not >move. MIKE: Crow, what's wrong? Is this too violent for you? CROW : No, I just wish it was Leon who was getting killed. > Priss left the light-brown one she had disabled and rushed >over to Nene, who was held in crushing bearhug by the blue >creature. MIKE : Nene is in a *brutal* bearhug! >Nene pounded at the thing, but it still kept >squeezing. Priss shouted, "Hey!" TOM: That's an illegal move! > The thing's head snapped around, and saw her. It dropped >Nene, and regarded Priss coldly. With an unholy cry, it jumped >at her, mouth opened, teeth gleaming with saliva. CROW: Breath stinking of pepperoni pizza! >Priss, however, stood her gound, calmly firing her disrupter cannon. >The creature's head disappeared in a flash of light and blood, >falling at Priss' feet. TOM: Did the head fall at Priss' feet *after* it dissapeared? > Now there was only one. CROW : There can be only one! > It slowly backed into a corner, swinging its head this way >and that, the red eyes giving off its fury. The Knight Sabers >carefully surrounded it, pointing their weapons at it. > "Everyone okay?" Celia asked. > "Yeah," was the response, but then Priss added, "where's >Leon?" ALL: Who cares? > Leon and the surviving officer ran down the hall to where >they had entered the building. Suddenly, he stopped dead in his >tracks and turned around. "Listen!" MIKE : Stop! Children, what's that sound, everyone look what's goin' round. > The sounds of fighting had ceased. It was deathly quiet. > Leon slapped the officer on the arm. "Go! Go tell 'em >everything that went down in there!" > "But Leon--hey, where the hell are you going?" > Leon didn't answer as he ran back to the room. > > It was all over. CROW: Well, I'm outta here. > Pellerin sighed as he placed his finger on the red button. >The Knight Sabers had learned a few new tricks since the last >time. He was sure that his agents, if any of them were still >alive, would spill their guts to the ADP. MIKE: As opposed to spilling the ADP's guts all over the floor. >An unacceptable >situation. Pellerin pushed another button, and a red crosshair >appeared on the computer screen, right over the GENOM R&D >laboratory. TOM : This laboratory will compete... > "Well, Mason, let's see how good this satellite of yours is." TOM: Is there enough room for a theater with six seats in it? > Pellerin pushed the button. CROW : Push the button, Pellerin! > It was Nene who saw it first. CROW: With eyes that big, I'm not surprised. > Her shout of surprise made the Knight Sabers turn their >heads. As they watched, the bodies of the dead creatures began >to ripple and change to their human forms. > "Holy shit," said Priss. MIKE : Priss! Watch your mouth. > The creature that was still alive decided to act. TOM : First I'll need an agent, head shots...I can worry about talent later. >It jumped >at Celia, but she reacted faster. Activating the laser blade in >her right forearm, she sliced the thing's arm clean off. With a >howl of pain, the beast swung at her with its remaining arm and >knocked her over. It ran to a door in the rear of the room and >pulled it from its hinges. MIKE: The sign said "push." >The Knight Sabers were close behind >when the whole room was bathed in a blinding light. TOM: Ladies and gentlemen... Aerosmith!!! > "What's that?" Linna shouted, but her answer was a blinding >flash, followed by an intense burst of heat, then darkness. > > Daily picked himself up off the ground, tasting blood in his >mouth. CROW : One could aquire a taste for this stuff. >The explosion had knocked him down, along with everyone >else. "What the hell was that?" someone asked. MIKE: Roseanne must have fallen over. > "It was a damn laser satellite," Daily replied. But how was >that possible? The U.S.S.D. would never fire such a thing at a >city! TOM: They're kind and decent and pure! >He turned and looked at what was left of the R&D lab. The >roof was gone, and the entire place was a blackened, twisted >ruin. Most of the place still stood, but the majority of the >damage was at the northern end, at that lab where Leon was >heading to-- CROW: Oh please oh please oh please... > "Leon!" > Daily ran to the hole which had been torn in the side of the >building. Smoke was emerging from it, and from that smoke >emerged a bruised and very pissed-off Leon McNichol. ALL: DAMN!!!! > "Leon! What the hell happened?" > "Can't kill me off that easily. TOM: At least the author tried. >Get a transport, Daily." > "Are you out of your mind?" someone shouted. "You need to >see a doctor, Leon!" CROW: Maybe he could cure you of your annoying personality. > "That's exactly what I'm going to do." With a grimace of >pain, he pulled himself into the passenger side of an ADP >transport as Daily got in on the driver's side. He started the >vehicle and drove away as the sound of ambulances and fire >engines came closer. > "Leon, man, what do you think you're doing? You're hurt!" > "Just go to the Nakamura-Kellar museum. CROW: They're having the Jack Kirby collection on display! >I was damn lucky >that I was running back to guys because I changed my mind about >the Knight Sabers. TOM: Daily must be glad to hear that. MIKE: TOM!!! >Oh shit, that HURTS!" he said as he began to >step into the lower torso of a KH-12 suit. ALL: Tell us about it. > "What about the Knight Sabers?" Daily asked, but a low >buzzing noise made him look up. CROW: It's Bob Dylan! >Heading toward the downtown area >at breakneck speed was an unusual propfan transport. > > Inside the propfan, Celia removed Linna's charred helmet, >looking at the cuts and bruises on her face. "Linna, come on..." MIKE: Answer the question. Windows or Macintosh? > Violently, Linna coughed and opened her eyes. Around her >the rest of the Knight Sabers looked no better. Their hardsuits >were blackend by soot, but not seriously damaged, even after the >force of the laser blast. CROW: After THAT explosion? I call no way. TOM: At least wait until the rational explination. >It had been a narrow escape. The >creature had gone through the door it had opened, and the Knight >Sabers had followed, Linna being the last one in just as the >blast hit. They had ended up in a passageway that led to the >outside, where Mackie had picked them up. MIKE: Now you can call "no way." CROW: There should be little Knight Saber bits all over the place! >They had seen AD >Police cruisers and transports, but no officers were in sight; >Mackie had told them that the officers were at the eastern wall >of the place. > Linna sat up, wincing in pain. "Ouch...that hurts..." TOM: Try reading *this*! > Priss stared at the floor, tears welling up in her eyes. "I >wonder if Leon made it..." ALL: Unfortunately, yes. > Nene said, "Celia, we've got to go to the museum! That's >where this all leads to!" > "Nene, you've got to be kidding me. Linna's been hurt, and >the rest of us aren't in such hot shape either." CROW: They've slacked off from Jenny Craig. > "Celia," Priss said, "We won't have another chance at this. >We have to get there. Because if Leon's been seriously hurt or >even--" ALL: Oh please oh please oh please oh please... >She became quiet. > Looking at Nene and Priss, Celia saw the determination in >their eyes. "All right. Use the spare hardsuits. My suit >wasn't damaged seriously, and the weapons still work. >Mackie--take us to the Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum." TOM: But don't make any jokes about the Niger River. > Something dragged itself up the stairs outside the >Nakamura-Kellar Natural History Museum. It left a trail of blood >behind it, and moaned in pain. MIKE: Mickey Rourke has gotten into *another* fight! >Inside the museum, in his control >area, Pellerin waited. There was still a weak signal from one >microtracker, and he smiled to himself. A survivor, eh? > He heard a voice. "Pellerin...help meee..." CROW: Jeff Goldblum _is_ The Fly! > "Bergs?" > A figure shambled into the control room. It was hard to >tell if it was human, because it seemed to be a twisted mockery >of one. CROW: Oh. It's not Jeff Goldblum. It's Tor Johnson. >One arm was gone, and the other was a charred ruin that >ended in a clawed hand. One leg was a scaly >mass of flesh, the other was oozing blood and pus. Bergs' face >was crushed on one side, and eye that stared out from the bloody >mess was locked on Pellerin. TOM: Gee, he looks like he's just been in a Frank Miller graphic novel. > "Please, Pellerin...the pain...help me..." The thing took >another step and fell to the ground, where it tried to crawl >toward Pellerin. MIKE : The DNA code's hidden in the... > "I'll end it for you, Bergs." Swiftly producing a Desert >Eagle, he fired three bullets into Bergs's head. CROW : What a sweet guy... ugh... > Ignoring the bloody mess, Pellerin went back to the computer >and typed in a sequence. TOM: At last! The FTP site for Scandinvian pornography! >He froze when he heard the sound of >footsteps behind him. Turning, he saw three figures walk in. > "Ahh, the Knight Sabers have arrived! MIKE: And there was much rejoycing... ALL : Yay. >But where is number four?" TOM : There's a number after three? > Celia clenched her teeth and wished that Linna was here. CROW: They wish the Pete Best of the Knight Sabers was there? TOM: Take that back, you.... >But her attention was drawn to the massive apparatus that filled >the center of the room, a platform with an emitter hanging over >it. Cables and wires snaked around the thing, which hummed >slightly. TOM: It's the place where they stored "Akira!" CROW: No, it's the place where they freeze Dick Clark and defrost him every New Year's Eve! MIKE: You're both wrong. It's where Newt Gengrich's conscience is kept. >Finding her voice, Celia asked, "Where is Doctor >Shinjii Yahagi, Jareck Van de Meer?" > A smile appeared on Pellerin's face. "Oh, you know who I >am! Well, poor Doctor Yahagi is a little messed up right now..." CROW : He just saw "Outlaw." > Nene gasped when she saw the remains of Yahagi. Priss >simply stared at Pellerin, seething. MIKE : I'll harm you! > Pellerin walked over to the platform. "Oh, he deserved it >anyway. TOM: He was "creepy." >By the way, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would >you? Do you want the reason behind all of this? Do you?" MIKE: At last! The mad scientist explains everything for the heroes instead of just killing them! Stan Lee would be proud. > With a broad sweep of his arms, he indicated the machinery >around him. CROW: All this can be yours for $29.99! Plus the recipe book! >"All of this is a result of my research which I did >for the Proteus Group, a proud part of GENOM's program. It >seemed that genetic change on the molecular level seemed >impossible, but I found the way! This machine encodes the DNA of >one species with the DNA of another, leading to hybrids. What >purpose would this serve, you might ask? TOM: Actually, we weren't that interested... >The bleeding hearts out >there felt that it would result in the creation of new vegetables >for food; MIKE: Or new fruits for iced teas. >the military and medical minds had other ideas. But it >was my creation, and I was about to achieve everything I wanted. >Think of it! MIKE: I would, but I taste metal when I do. >The most intelligent species on this planet >that has existed longer than any other are the reptiles! Those >idiots who believed in the Hellstrom Chronicles knew nothing! TOM: Hellstorm? Wasn't he a Marvel character? >The human race is a used-up species as is. 'BOTS: Tell us about it. MIKE: Hey! >This research would >allow me to search for a way to create a new, better race of >beings. CROW: I guess he thinks Leon is an example of humanity. > "Then Yahagi stole everything I earned. He tattled to the >heads at GENOM that my research was too risky, that I was a >monster. MIKE : Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Quincy! Pellerin did something so BAD! Punish him! >I was fired, and Yahagi was given credit. The Proteus >Group was disbanded, and I was lost. Only one person believed in >me. Brian J. Mason." TOM: What's with the "J" in the middle of his name? Do they have any idea how annoying... MIKE: >AHEM: Sorry. MIKE: It's okay. This time. > He turned to them, a smile on his face. "He understood. He >knew that Yahagi was a lying son-of-a-bitch, and he helped me >'disappear' for a while. When I reemerged, I found Yahagi, and >nearly killed him. But together, Mason and I formulated a plan. >Yahagi was a component, though only temporary." MIKE: You mean like a plot in an Ed Wood film? > "You had that laser," Priss said. "Why didn't you use it >those times before?" CROW: It would have lost impact if I didn't use it during a high-tention battle sequence. > "Because I wanted to show the world that my research was >indeed valid, and I sought revenge on GENOM. CROW: Aha! So this is supposed to parallel the rage Celia feels towards GENOM, cause they killed her father too, and show how mad she could become if she doesn't keep her revenge in check, and it also shows how the Knight Sabers are really good guys and not just a stupid OAV series with chicks in battle armor and lesbian overtones. MIKE: That's right and....HEY!!!! >I know that >innocent lives were lost, but as Machiavelli once said, 'the ends >justify the means'." TOM: He also said that talky movies would never catch on. >Suddenly,he smashed his hand down on a >button on the platform, and the emitter began to glow. A beam >of light surrounded Pellerin, and he began to change. CROW: Dear God! He's becoming....Mr. B. Natural! ALL: NOOOOOO!!!! > Priss, Nene, and Celia could only watch in horror as >Pellerin's skin tore open. His clothes fell off in tatters, and >he bent foward, growing, changing-- TOM : Wishing to tap into the hidden strength that lies within, Dr. David Banner... > A massively built thing stepped down from the platform. It >was eight feet tall, with powerful arms and legs. The skull was >reptillian, and deep blue eyes regarded the Knight Sabers coldly. >Lifting a hand, the thing extended wickedly sharp claws. CROW: Ben Kingsley and Michael Madsen. Species. > "Now," it said in a basso mockery of human speech, MIKE: He's doing his Barry White impression. >"DIE!" > It charged at them, roaring. Priss fired three steel darts >at it, but it caught two with suprising speed and dodged the >third. MIKE: Is this a fight or a role-playing game session? >Before she could react, it grabbed her with one arm and >threw her across the room. She landed, hard, near the remains of >Doctor Yahagi. CROW : Can you help...oh, you're dead. > Celia and Nene opened up with their weapons, but the >Pellerin-thing was too agile. It sent Nene sprawling into the >computer, and it clutched Celia and shook her like a rag doll. TOM : She my daughter, she's my sister... > "Speed and power!" it thundered. "Speed to dodge your >weapons...and power to crush you! Any wound I recieve will be >instantly healed!" CROW : Oh, aren't we just *soooooo* superior? > At that instant, the wall near the computer gave way. A >hulking roboid shape entered through the rubble. It was a KH-12. MIKE: And there was...wait a second! It's Leon! ALL: BOOOOOOO!!! > Leon knew that he had seen everything. CROW: Peter David making Aquaman intersting. Wow. > He and Daily had just arrived. He was hurting, he hadn't >eaten a decent cheeseburger in days, but the sight that greeted >his eyes made him forget everything. MIKE: Too bad we can't forget him. > Finding his voice, he said, "This is the AD Police! Let the >woman go!" TOM Let me have a shot at her! > The thing calmly tossed Celia aside and faced Leon. Out of >the corner of his eye Leon saw the Knight Saber stand up, >although she seemed unsteady. CROW: She didn't know the punch was spiked. TOM: Hey, all of their punches have spikes in them. >But where the hell was Priss? MIKE: Hopefully as far away from Leon as possible. > "The game's over Yahagi!" CROW : Game over, man. Game over!!! > The thing laughed. "Yahagi? YAHAGI? Can't you think of a >better suspect, Leon McNichol?" > Leon froze. "Pellerin!?" > "YESSS!!" The thing charged, and Leon barely had time to >react. He brought up the KH-12's arm and smashed the thing right >in Pellerin's face. TOM: During this, Newt was hiding in the subflooring, while Bishop was...Oh, never mind. This scene just reminded me of something else. MIKE: Mr. McKenzie is no James Cameron. > The monster went down. It quickly resumed its stance, most >of its facial bones broken. One eye was a messy cup of blood and >fluid. The thing charged again, but it was hit by a blinding >light. > Priss stood next to the KH-12, holding her right arm in >front of her. CROW: Then bringing it up under her left arm. > Nene's head swam. MIKE : Pink hair dye. What was I thinking? >Opening her eyes, she found herself near >the computer. Pulling herself up, she saw that the screen was >blinking: > > SUBJECT DNA PELLERIN_C *322413-0 > DONAR DNA KHOMODO*99323, BAS*273461, GATOR *324234, > VEL *363212. > > ENTER NEW MATRIX> > > Turning, Nene saw the thing that was Pellerin facing off >against Leon and Priss. A plan came to her mind. TOM: A show this fall that's a rip off of "Friends." MIKE: Which one? TOM: Uh, all of them, I think. > The thing attacked again. Celia and Priss fired their >disrupter cannons in unison, catching it in the arm. The arm was >blown clean off, but the thing did not slow down. Leon opened up >with the KH-12's gatling gun, hitting the beast in the chest. >Once again, it went down. The three approached carefully, >weapons ready. TOM : Let's put its tail in warm water! > The Pellerin-thing shot to its feet. Leon could only stare >mutely as he watched the bullet wounds close up. CROW: Finally...something to shut Leon up! MIKE: Yeah, but I've already seen Terminator 2, and Virtuosity, and... >A thin growth >was pushing its way out of the bloody stump of the thing's arm. >Celia realised what it was doing. MIKE: Misspelling "realized?" > The thing laughed. "You see?" Then it's head snapped to >the left. MIKE: I tried that once. My neck was in a cast... 'BOTS: We know, Mike. >"No! What are you doing?" > The the hum of the emitter grew louder, and it was then than >Priss realized that Nene had reactivated it. CROW: Since it kept flashing 12:00, 12:00. >The Pellerin-thing was distracted-- TOM: They used a picture of Alicia Silverstone from Rolling Stone! > "Now!" Celia shouted. > The three fired at once. The force of the blow knocked the >creature back towards the platform. Stunned, it began to get up >when Leon charged. ALL : Oh yes, they call him Mr. Touchdown.... >Putting all the power he could muster into >the KH-12, he rammed the thing, pushing it onto the platform. >The weight of the KH-12 pinned it to the platform. > "Start the machine!" he shouted, but Nene couldn't, because >he was in the way... TOM: Think Leon will make a valiant sacrifice? CROW: As long as he dies, who cares? > "Start it! I can't hold it anymo-" > The beast pushed the KH-12 off itself, sending it into a >heap. It stood up-- CROW : Make...your stand! > Nene pushed the "activate" button. TOM: Wait! That's the self-destruct button! > The emitter bathed the creature in light. It could not >move, and it began to scream. CROW: Ladies and gentlemen...Trent Reznor! > Priss ran to the KH-12, peeling it open. Leon, >semi-conscious, did nothing as she pulled him out. MIKE: Leon. What an idiot. >Celia came >over to help, but then she saw what was happening to Pellerin. >He was changing again--and again and again. One minute he was a >fat, bloated thing that resembled a cross between a spider and >a horse. The next minute he was a clawed thing with a bear-like >body and quills. CROW: But...bears don't have quils. >The next form was-- TOM: Obviously unimportant. > "Hurry!" said Nene, "the machine is overloading!" > Carrying Leon between them, Priss and Celia ran, following >Nene. Behind them, Pellerin screamed as he continued to undergo >a rapid series of transformations. Celia looked back and saw >that his form was a hideous bat-lizard-beetle hybrid, and that >there were sparks and fires breaking out all over the place. >Then she faced front and kept going. TOM: I guess I'd be annoyed if I had to watch all those rubber suits too. MIKE: Tom, this is anime. TOM: Same difference. > Four figures ran out of the front door of the musuem just as >Pellerin's device exploded. The blast shattered the dome, >sending concrete everywhere. The museum, the structure damaged >by yet another series of explosions that tore through the halls, >shuddered and collapsed. MIKE : I should have cut the blue wire... CROW : I *told* you to cut the blue wire! > Celia, Nene, and Priss watched the whole spectacle. Leon, >cradled in the arms of Priss' hardsuit, moaned and opened his >eyes. Priss lay him on the ground as Nene and Celia watched. CROW: They find this more interesting than the explosion? > "What happened? Priss, what did you do?" He clutched at >her arm. TOM: The words "wrong time" have no meaning to this man. > "Relax, Leon. We overloaded the machine. MIKE: We installed Windows 95. >It seemed that >Pellerin had an entire library of donar DNA, so the machine >encoded it all into his DNA." CROW: Basically the equivalent of studying for three exams in one night. > Leon glanced at the flames. "Talk about evolution to the >max." CROW: Well, should I say it, or do you want to? TOM: Mike, do you want to say it? MIKE: Let's all say it together. 1...2...3. ALL: He tampered in God's domain. > The sound of propfans made Priss look up. "Leon...I have to >go. I'm sorry." > "Priss, wait...we never finished our date." CROW : There's a reason for that. > "We will," she said. TOM : When pigs fly! MIKE: With that machine, pigs *could* fly. >Then she followed Nene and Celia up >the transport's ramp. Leon could only watch as it lifted off and >flew away. CROW : Good-bye, Gamera! Come back soon! >Rubbing the growing lump on his head, he waited for >Daily and the rest of the ADP to arrive. > > ***************** MIKE: They're using this NOW? CROW: Maybe it's signalling the epilogue. > The night seemed dangerous, but the mood on the street was >casual, enjoyable. ALL: Mardi Gras!!! > The media had a field day with the destruction of the GENOM >R&D lab and the Nakamura-Kellar Museum. Of course, it was all >speculation, since GENOM and the AD Police remained tight-lipped >about the whole thing. TOM: Nothing new about that... >The whole thing would soon quiet down, >and the only thing the ADP would have to worry about would be >Bumas. MIKE: Psycho robots out to destroy humanity? No problem! > Priss checked her watch again, wondering where Leon was. >She was standing in front of the same bar where, four nights ago, >the creature had smashed through the window. CROW: And they *still* hadn't replaced the window yet! >It had been two >days since the explosion at the museum, and everything was >starting to calm down. TOM: Until the next lame fanfic came! > Linna was doing better. She had suffered two broken ribs >and a fracture in her right leg, but the hardsuit had prevented >her from being killed. CROW: You could learn a lot from a Knight Saber. Buckle your safety belt! >She was at the hospital, which Nene and >Celia had been visiting yesterday and today. Luckily, no one had >asked any questions, and the staff was friendly with Celia, so >everything seemed fine. TOM: Truth was, everyone was deep in denial. > Authorities had combed the site of the musuem, but had found >only the twisted wreakage of the machine and some unidentifiable >remains. No descriptions were given because she was sure that >none _could_ be given any. MIKE: Could be given any what? > "Hey!" > Priss turned and saw Leon approaching. >His left arm was in >a sling, and there were patches of gauze around his right hand. >He had his shades on, probably to cut the glare from the >streetlights. TOM : I wear my sunglasses at night... > "Leon," she said, and walked up to him. "Oh, look at your >arm. You look like a mess." CROW : Moreso! > "At least looking like a mess is better than being dead. TOM: Not in your case. >Where shall we go, my fair lady?" MIKE : The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain... CROW: Where we hid Leon's body! MIKE: No. > "Leon! I thought we had this place in mind!" TOM: Leon has only one thing on his mind, unfortunately. > "No, let's take a walk. Clear our heads." > They started walking. Priss took Leon's arm and moved >closer to him. Leon wasn't tense, however. He just played it >cool. MIKE: Who does he think he is? The Roadbuster or something? > "They found what was left of Pellerin," he said. > "I heard." > "That idiot... TOM: All you people of earth are idiots! >thinking that the only hope for humanity was >through an evolution in cold blood." CROW: Touchdown! We have a title!!! > "What he said made some sense, though," Priss replied. >"Let's face it, who knows how much time the human race has left." MIKE: What? What is it? TOM: I know something you don't know! > "I'll leave it for someone else to figure out," Leon said. >"Pellerin was pretty much gone around the bend. If the human >race is going to evolve, it's going to do it on its own time." CROW: Probably after the X-Files are on. > Priss stopped walking. "That's pretty profound." Without a >word she took off his shades and kissed him. MIKE: I can only hope she's thinking about Kevin Bacon. TOM: Maybe she's thinking about the Paper Chase Guy. CROW: My money's on Sylvie! > Leon was too shocked to respond. He was still in shock >after it was over. "What was that for?" he asked in a small >voice. CROW: To match his small... MIKE: C'mon, Crow. It's almost over. > Laughing, Priss took his hand again. "Figure it out, >smarty-pants. C'mon, let's go and have a drink." CROW : And then I'll hunt you for sport. > T H E E N D TOM: Well, all's well that ends well. ALL: NOT! >M. Mckenzie >St. Peter's College CROW : St. Peter don't you call me cause I can't go... MIKE: We're going right now. TOM & CROW: Grrrr. Roar! MIKE: Guys, you two don't have DNA to alter, you just have basic rogramming. You can't turn into dinosaurs so you can reach the ext stage of evolutionary development. TOM: Speak for yourself, Mike. Crow and I are going to become the new step on the Evolutionary ladder! CROW: Right! ROAR!!! MIKE: Geeze, where are Grant and Muldoon when you need them? What do you think, sir? DR. F: I'll get you sometime Nelson. But first I have to find Ryoga and complete the experiment. In his condition... DR. F: Er, can't we discuss this, Ryoga? RYOGA : Complete works of Ratliff, Winston, and McElwaine. All at once! All for you! DR. F: WHAT? RYOGA: Revenge is mine! \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ The character and situations in this MiSTing are copywrite 1995 to Best Brains, Inc, except Ryoga Hibiki, who is copywrite 1995 to Rumiko Takahashi, and Bubblegum Crisis, which is copywrite 1995 Artmic, Inc & Youmex, Inc. Rent the tapes! They're cool! The MiSTing of "Evolution in Cold Blood" is not a personal attack on M. McKenzie. Special thanks to the anime-fan-works FTP archives for keeping such fanfics on file. There's an earlier MST-like riff on it, but it mostly involves sheep and Barney jokes. Send comments and flames to rcoakley@forest.drew.edu, where they will be given serious scrutiny. >By the way, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would >you? Do you want the reason behind all of this? Do you?"