From: Roland Warner Subject: MiSTed: "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" (1/4) Date: 1998/12/24 Message-ID: <36828D05.3776@geocities.com> X-Deja-AN: 425568234 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 X-Trace: ralph.vnet.net 914525932 166.82.226.19 (Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:58:52 EDT) Organization: Hobgoblins Inc. MIME-Version: 1.0 Reply-To: tom_...@geocities.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:58:52 EDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc [In the not too distant future . . .] [@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*] [Mike hums silently to himself "Jingle Bells" as he strings up lights around the SoL. He's wearing a Santa hat and has some excess flashy plastic icicles stuck on him. The room is covered in Christmas decorations, so the obvious time setting would be pointless to say. Mike notices Cambot staring at him.] Mike: Oh, hi everyone! We're decking the halls here on the Satellite of Love. Yanno, a little of this, a little of that. Gypsy: [Off-Screen] Don't you think about it, Crow! Crow: [OS] C'mon! Tradition states that you have to kiss me when you're under the mistletoe! Gypsy: [OS] Stay away from MEEEEEEE! [Gypsy rushes on screen and hides behind Mike.] Gypsy: Tell him to stay away from me, Mike! [Crow rushes in.] Crow: C'mon, Gypsy! It's just one kiss tha-Oh, um, hi Mike. Say, have you seen Gypsy around? Mike: Don't even try it, Crow. I know about the little "mistletoe" and it's going to end here! Crow: What? What mistletoe? Mike: Don't try your little games with me. Now, take down the mistletoe and leave Gypsy alone. Crow: Jeez, it's just like you to break tradition. [Crow walks off screen in a huff. Mike turns to Gypsy.] Gypsy: Oh, thank you, Mike! [The Yellow Light flashes.] Mike: No prob, Gyps! [Turning his head to the camera.] We'll be right back. [He hits the button.] [Commercials] [Again, Mike is stringing up more Christmas decorations as Tom rushes in.] Tom: Mike! I found it! Mike: Found what? Tom: The Perfect Christmas Tree(TM)! Mike: Oh really? Well, go get it! Tom: I can't, remember the hands? Mike: Right, well, let's go get it. [Mike walks off-camera, and comes back with a rather small, dinky, brown fir tree.] Tom: What'd I tell you? It's perfect! Mike: It's rather small, Tom. I can barely hang anything on it! Tom: Oh, I see. I decide to go a little easy on the Christmas Budget, and *YOU* don't like it! C'mon, put an ornament on it. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike places a little round red ornament ball on The Perfect Christmas Tree(TM) and it tips over.] Mike: See? Tom: Ok, so it might be a little weak. Just give it a few days, some water, and before you know it, we'll have an angel on The Perfect Christmas Tree(TM)! Mike: But Tom, today's Christmas Eve. Tom: Don't you think I know that! Mike: Forget it. Anyway, remember, our shopping idea this year is to for two of us to get something for the other. That way, we save on our budget. Tom: Mike, I know you're simply saying that for exposition, but I want more presents! [The Red Light flashes.] Mike: Yes, Donner party? [Mike hits the button.] [Castle Forrester] [Pearl is wrapping gifts with black wrapping paper when she looks up.] Pearl: Oh, hi Nel-bell. I went out and bought Bobo and Brain Guy a few things. I've wrapped up most of the presents already and hidden them where they can't find them. Now, don't you think I've gone soft already! What I got them is beyond horror! What is it, you might ask? What makes you think I'm going to tell you! [Bobo enters from the left.] Bobo: Oh, hi Lawgiver, whatcha doin'? Pearl: I *WAS* wrapping presents and taunting Mike until you came in! Bobo: [A little shaken] I'm sorry! I was just wondering when we were going to bake and decorate Christmas cookies? Pearl: I told you, we don't do silly things like those here! Maybe you did that back in the future where you come from, but here, they shop like crazy. You hear me? Bobo: Clearly, Lawgiver. I'll go shopping right now! Pearl: No, *WE* don't do that, every parent in America does, but not us! You see, we terrorize the parents of little kids. You remember the Tickle-Me-Elmo craze? That was my work. Now, we need something new. [Turns to the camera.] Any suggestions, Mike? [SoL] Mike: Um, ok, how about Monopoly sets? Tom: I know! Market Skorts! You know, half skirt, half shorts. It'll be the greatest marketing craze since leather shoes! [CF] Pearl: No, it needs to be something more for children. Ah, we'll think of something. In the meantime, I have a little Christmas present for you, sort of my way of saying "Merry Christmas, see you in hell." A little fanfic called "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas". Remember, sanity is only as good as the system it's on. [SoL] [Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are standing in a row.] Mike: Fa Tom: La la la Crow: La Mike: La Tom: La Crow: La Gypsy: LAAAAAAAAAAAA!! [All the Christmas lights flash, the tree falls over, chaos ensues.] All: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! We've got Star.Sign! [*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@] [Mike enters the theater carrying Tom, followed by Crow.] Tom: Skorts. Think about it, guys. Mike: We will Tom. We will. > > > I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas Crow: I'm Dreaming of a Star Wars Armageddon! > > > "I can't get it up." Mike: Previously on "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" > "Oww, Uncle Luke!! It's stabbing me!" Tom: [Uncle Luke] Listen, just take it outside! I don't want it stabbing me! > "It's a good thing you only take it out once a year." Crow: So, in case you've forgotten, "it". > In the Solo home, the Christmas spirit was out in full force. All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh! > Uncle > Luke and the kids were bring ing the Christmas tree up from the basement. Mike: Wouldn't it have been easier to get someone more grown-up who complains less? > "Aww, hell! Anakin shit in my stocking!" Crow: What the . . . > "Dammit!!! Me too!" Tom: My God, this has turned into "South Park" all of the sudden! > Leia heard all the commotion. "What's going on down here?" she > asked. Crow: [Luke] We're "wang-chunging", wanna help? > "Nothing, Mom." the kids replied. Mike: [Narrator] They said and hid the knives behind their back. > "Well, I hope not. Christmas is three days away, and the Christmas > party is tonight. Tom: Wow, Christmas "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." > I hope all of you can control yourselves. And has anyone > seen Han?" said Leia. Mike: [Kid] He couldn't control himself, so we sent him to his room. > "He said he was going out with Lando to get some stuff for the party. Crow: Oh, I see, they're going to go visit the "Candyman". > And they're picking up Dash." said Jaina. Tom: Dash? Who's that? Mike: I think he's from "Shadows of the Empire". He's basically a Han Solo rip-off. > "Oh lord...they're bringing DASH???? I explicitly said that he was > not invited." Crow: I guess that would be an "nonvitation". Tom: No, it's a "unvitation". > "Well, Lando mentioned it to Dash. So he's coming. He said he > would wear his ÔSexy Santa' outfit." said Luke. Mike: [Luke] Gee, it's a good thing we decided not to put him in charge of the children's party! > "Is that the G-String with the bell on it?" asked Jaina. [Everyone starts making vomit sounds.] Tom: I've never even HEARD of this guy, and already I hate him! > "How do you know????" shouted Leia. > "Uhhhhhh....Jacen told me." Crow: Wait, aren't they kids?? Mike: I think they're teens now. Crow: Oh. [He turns to the camera.] Author! Now would be a good time for some exposition! > "Rfff roooor rrrfoor rfff." Chewbacca grunted. Tom: Yuck, that's disgusting! > "Dash took Jacen shopping for it?" > "Well, I needed a gift for Tenel Ka, Crow: Who?? Mike: Beats me, I don't read many Star Wars books, only the fanfics we're forced to watch. Tom: Then how'd you know about "Dash"? Mike: I played the video game. > and Dash said that the ladies > always love something from Frederick's of Corellia. He bought it while I > was there. And in case you're wondering, I didn't get anything for Tenel > there." Jacen said adamantly Crow: Gee, that's swell, I can tell he's going to give the Christmas message in this story! > "Let's all quit fighting. Good Jedi don't fight. Mike: Who's fighting? And I haven't seen any of them do anything even remotely good yet! > Besides, Callista is > coming home soon. I need to get done with this so we can finish wrapping > gifts. She says I'm not allowed to use adult scissors without supervision. Tom: Mike, I'm feeling nauseous, are the doors open yet? Mike: No such luck, Tom. > So, Anakin, can I borrow your Crayola scissors? Luke said. > "Sure!" said Anakin. "But they're coated in shit!" Crow: [Luke] That's it, your diarrhea has gotten way out of hand young man! > "Well, you can wash them off, okay little buddy?" Luke said. "Now, > let's get going on this Christmas tree." Tom: And he's ok with this? YUCK! > > * * * * Mike: Ten points if anyone can find the Christmas star! > Han and Lando were in the Millennium Falcon heading to the > Coruscant Jewel. Lando had the Run-DMC Christmas CD in the stereo. Crow: Run-DMC? Mike: Don't ask me. > "So, Leia wearing that Sexy Elf costume tonight? Or is that just for > Santa Han?" Tom: Is anyone *NOT* dressing up as a Christmas Icon? > Lando asked. "Gonna fill her stocking after the good little > children have gone to bed?" Crow: [Han] Heh, I've got the little Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Chocolate Santas all ready for her. > "Lando, that's none of your business, but I hope it's yes on both > accounts. Mike: [Han] But it's still none of your business! > So what are you doing for Christmas?" > "Well, Galaxy Girls is having a ÔSanta Hat and High Heels Only" > special day. I figured I'd go there." Lando replied. Tom: [Sarcasm dripping off of every word] Everyone just becomes more likable by the moment! I can't wait until they start remarking about Luke's lightsaber! > "No, come have Christmas with us. Leia won't care." said Han. Mike: [Han] She and I are psychically linked! Oh, wait, she's yelling at me now. > "Okay, we're almost at Dash's crib. Let's slow this muthafucka Crow: Shut yo' mouth! Mike: [Lando] I'm only talkin' about this ship, can you dig it? > down." said Lando. > They arrived at Dash's apartment and buzzed his intercom. "Yo, > Dash...are you in there? It's Han and Lando." Tom: [Lando] We've come to see the Wizard! > "Yeah...be right out..." Dash replied. A scantily clad girl walked out > to her landspeeder, Mike: [Girl] Nice timing you guys, he was just about to pull out the Monopoly game! > then a couple of minutes later, Dash came out. He was > wearing a stocking over his nads. Crow: I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! MY GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME! [Mike covers up Dash's "area".] Crow: That's better, I think I'm going to be ok. > "I'll be right out, guys. Xetahti was just leaving." Dash said. > Han and Lando did a doubletake. They didn't recognize Xetahti with > her clothes on. "Ready to go?" Han asked. Mike: Not a word, you guys. [Mike reaches over and covers both Tom and Crow's mouth. Crow starts screaming again as Mike's hand uncovers Dash's "area".] Mike: Oops, sorry Crow. > "Yeah, let's go." said a now fully-clothed Dash. Crow: Wow, anything can happen within the space of a single phrase. > They all got back in > the Falcon. Tom: Fortunatly for them, he just happened to have a giant space dock in his front lawn. > "Dude, I can't wait for the party tonight. Are we gonna get wasted? > I brought the Sexy Santa suit...it's in my pocket." said Dash. Mike: Somehow, I think the author's proud of the "Sexy Santa Suit" creation. > "Would it be a party if we didn't get wasted? I'm gonna get piss- > drunk." said Lando. Tom: Lando's rhetorically challenged, it seems. > After they parked the Falcon at Jewel, they went in and headed > straight for the liquor section. Crow: [Narrator] And Han seemed to know the way better than any of them. > They were all glad that Luke had > volunteered to stay home and put up the Christmas tree, since last time > Luke had tried to buy beer he'd been carded. Mike: And Mark Hamill's probably still being carded to this very day. > They filled up two shopping > carts with booze, including ale, Verattan and Alderannian wine, > champagne, Sullustan gin, and some vodka. Tom: Ah, I see the problem! They didn't get any diapers for Anakin! Mike: Drop it Tom, I don't want to hear anymore about Anakin's "problems". > If there was one good thing > about Dash, he could shake up a mean martini. They went to pay, and left. > "Who all is invited to this party?" said Lando. Crow: Everyone from "Transexual" in the galaxy of "Transylvania". > "Well, let me think." Han said, stroking his imaginary beard. "You, > Winter, Ackbar, Luke, Callista, General Dodonna, General Madine, Mara > Jade, Chad Hilse, Garm Bel Eblis, Gallen Torg, Vanden Willard, Pellos > Zrambas, Evram Lajaie, Bob Hudsol, Lieutenant Corran Horn, Gaerial > Captison, Mon Mothma, Hobbie and Wedge, Teneniel and Isolder, and a > bunch of people that I can't remember. Plus, we got Figrin Dan and the > Modal Nodes to play the music." Mike: [Dash] Hey, what about me? Crow: Wow, it looks like everyone from any book by Isaac Asimov is invited. > "Cool. A high chick factor." > "Yeah. So don't get TOO drunk, ok?" Tom: [Han] You're the designated driver, Lando. > * * * * Crow: I see it! The Christmas Star! Mike: I was kidding Crow. I don't think we're going to see anything holy in this story, except for the plot probably. > Jacen and Jaina were getting ready to go out to give their > significant others their Christmas gifts. Jaina was applying heavy coats > of red lipstick, and Jacen was putting on his Santa hat. Mike: It's a Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker Christmas! > "What did you get Tenel, anyway?" asked Jaina. Crow: [Jacen] A "Sexy Santa Outfit". > "I don't know. Dash picked it out. What did you get Zeblis?" > "I didn't know what to get him so I bought him some condoms. I hope > he'll take the hint." Tom: I don't even think I want an AGE in this story. I'm way to scared to find out. > Zeblis Harkoon was a guy on the Coruscant High School smashball > team. He was Jaina's age and came from one of the high-ranking families > of Coruscant, however, he had no Force potential. They met at a party > thrown by Jaina's friend at CHS. Mike: Geez, with all this partying, where does anyone find time to run the "New Republic"? > They had been going out for a month. Crow: A month and already she's buying condoms? > "Um, I guess so. Do you think Mom will let you out of the house in > that?" asked Jacen. Tom: Why not? The author's put every possible taboo thing you could ever have in a Star Wars story! > "Why not? It's just a red velvet miniskirt. Her Sexy Elf costume is > sluttier than this." Jaina replied. Mike: What a nice family. It seems like everyone loves each other! > "Well, okay. Let's get going. Dad let me borrow the Falcon." said > Jacen. Crow: But . . . I thought Han was flying! > They flew out and picked up Tenel Ka and Zeblis. As soon as Zeblis > got in the car, Crow: But . . . I thought it was a ship! HELP! Somebody! Mike: You should know better than to actually *think* when reading a Star Wars story, Crow! > he said, "Hey babe. Nice outfit." They started making out > in the backseat. All four went to L'Maison d'Nerf. Tom: And not a word from Tenel Ka? Something's wrong here. Of course, everything is wrong here. > They all sat down and while they were eating their appetizer. nerf > medallions, Mike: Yuck, Nerf has gotten *way* out of hand. > they all pulled out their gifts for each other. > "Here, Tenel. I picked it out just for you." said Jacen proudly. Crow: It's a full-body rubber condom for women! > "Thank you Jacen. Here is your gift." Tenel replied. > Each ripped open the wrapping paper on their gift. Jacen pulled out > the "Dogs Sing Jingle Bells" tape. Tenel explained that it was because he > liked animals. Tom: The hell? She got him the "Barking Dogs" tape?? > "I can't wait to see your gift, Tenel." said Jaina. Mike: I believe we all can wait. > Tenel opened the box and pulled out a lizard skin thong and matching > push-up bra. Crow: Made from 100% Toad. > Jacen gasped and almost fell out of his chair. Jaina gasped, > then started laughing. Zeblis just looked shocked. Tenel's eyes opened > wide in surprise. Jacen squinted his eyes shut, expecting a slap in the > face. Tom: I'll do it! Crow: No, it's my turn! Mike: Calm down, we'll all get a turn after Tenel Ka. > "It's so perfect! It matches my new battle armor perfectly, though I > don't know about the thong..." Tenel said, much to Jacen's surprise. Crow: You see, I go "commando" underneath my armor. > "Gee, I kinda hoped you would wear it for me without the battle > armor..." said Jacen under her breath. Tenel didn't hear, and Jaina slapped > Jacen in the face. Tom: Yes! That speaks for all of us! > "Well, enough about them. Let's exchange gifts, Jainy." said Zeblis. > He put a box up on the table. Jaina put hers up. > Jaina ripped open the package. Inside was a delicate platinum chain > with an Alderannian ruby pendant. He fastened it around her neck. "Do you > like it? I know your mom was from Alderaan. The necklace has been in > the family for a long time.." Zeblis said. Crow: So he's giving away a family heirloom to a girl he met only a month ago?? > "Oh, Zeblis, I love it! Um...maybe you should open my gift later." said > Jaina. > "No, I want to see it. I bet it's really special." Zeblis opened the > gift and found inside a box of Christmas condoms. Jaina blushed and was > speechless. Jacen started laughing, and Tenel Ka looked embarrassed. Mike: I'm sensing a conflict of interests here on two different sides, the Solo kids give their friends sexual presents, while their lovers give them gifts that actually *mean* something. > Zeblis leaned over and whispered, "I get the idea. Wanna come over to > my place after lunch?" Crow: Tonight on the menu is "Me Soup". > * * * * Tom: Wow, even the stars are uneven tonight! > > The house had been cleaned, Callista and Luke had gone to wrap > Christmas presents, Lando, Chewie, and Dash were watching the Playboy > channel, and Anakin was sitting on the toilet. He wouldn't be out for at > least an hour. Han and Leia decided to wrap Christmas presents. Mike: It's amazing what happened "a long time ago-" Crow: I think we get it now, Mike. This whole thing makes no sense, so why bother with the whole prologue to "Star Wars"? > "Let's see...the tube top and belly chain that Jaina wanted, a > "Rancors Sing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" tape [They all start sobbing quietly.] > and a lightsaber > handle cover for Jacen, and a Tickle Me Salacious Crumb doll for Anakin." [Finally, tears break out, and everyone starts panicking.] > Leia said. "Wait a minute. Where's the Tickle Me Salacious? You did get > it Han...didn't you?" Crow: *sniff* You mean he didn't get one? Tom: Yay! At least we don't get to see one of those things! > "Well...they didn't have one. So I got him a Talking Jawa instead. > Look!" Han said. He squeezed the Talking Jawa. Mike: [Jawa] This doll will self-destruct if you touch me there again. > "Utinni!" the doll said. Leia looked at Han in disgust. Tom: [Leia] That's it? "Utinni"? You're going down, Flyboy! > "Did you really think that he would like that? Did you get that at the > one-credit store?" she said. Crow: [Han] No, I got it at the same place we got Anakin! > "Um...no...but I'll go and get the Tickle Me Salacious doll. Let me get > my blaster." he said apprehensively. Mike: His blaster? Is he planning on stealing one?? Crow: This thing just keeps getting worse and worse! > Han borrowed Luke's X-Wing and took off for the Coruscant Toys ÔR' > Us. Tom: Great, more advertising. I wonder if the authors are getting paid. Crow: It's probably more like they're getting sued to remove the company's names! > He had used the advanced computers in the Palace to determine that > there was a shipment of Tickle Me Salacious dolls coming in. He arrived > and was greeted by a mob of parents rushing for the Tickle Me Salacious. > He saw Boba Fett grab the last one off the shelf. Mike: Boba Fett?? Hey, maybe he'll take care of Han for us! Go Fett! > "Hey, muthafucka, what do you need a Tickle Me Salacious for? You > don't have any kids!!!" Han yelled to Boba. Crow: [Boba Fett] Well, someone has a filthy mouth! > "Shut the hell up. I do have a kid, what with all the chicks I get. > And I gotta get him a Christmas present or his mom is suing for alimony." > Boba retaliated. Tom: Oooh, good come back, Boba! I can feel the tension in the air now! > "Oh yeah, shithead? Gimme that!!!" Han said, taking a swing at Boba. Mike: No, the name's "Boba Fett"! > "Why don't you go freeze in carbonite!" All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh! > screamed Boba, punching > back. A full-fledged fight had ensued. Crow: [Register clerk monotone voice] Clean up on Aisle Four. Now Five. Pandemonium is ensuing. Call in for reinforcements. > Han took a running charge at Boba but Boba sidestepped it and hit Han > in the back with a bike. Mike: A bike? Wow, they both have guns, and they're fighting and hitting each other with things and they could easily kill each other with a blaster. > Han stumbled forward and landed a kick to Boba's > midsection. He then picked Boba up by the neck and slammed him down on > the floor. Tom: He did *what* with the doll? > The Tickle Me Salacious doll went skittering across the floor. Crow: [Tickle Me Salacious Crumb] Tee-hee, that tickles! > Another person picked it up, but was blown back into the video > games by Boba's 24 blaster shots. Mike: I'm sensing some social commentary here. > Han ran over and picked it up, while > scattering bikes and stuff on the floor. Boba, stumbling through the bikes > was able to force Han back into the sporting equipment aisle. Tom: You mean Boba Fett is Force-sensitive? Mike: Don't ask me, I have no clue how he did that. > Boba and > Han both grabbed aluminum baseball bats and started to duel. Crow: [Han] You're not my father! My father died a long time ago! Tom: [Boba] Search your feelings, you know it to be true! > Boba landed > 2 hits to Han's ribs. The doll went flying into the air. Boba jumped for it, > but Han hit him in the knees and Boba fell forward into the foam darts. Mike: Ow! They'd both be on the grounds by now, if this were really happening. Tom: There, keep thinking that guys: "If this were really happening." > The doll had flown into another aisle and a kid had picked it up. A > parent took it away from the kid but was instantly clotheslined by Han > who took the doll back. Crow: You know, I don't think there's any possible way these characters can become any more memorable! > Han whipped a board game at Boba. Boba ducked it > and fired a missile at Han. Tom: [Boba] "Sorry" won't cut it, Han! > A part of the back wall of the store was blown > away. Han made a run for the exit but was leg swept by Boba. Boba fired > the smart rope at Han. Mike: [English-accent voice] I do say, I don't want to be tied around this insane buffoon! You untie me right now, young man! > Han was tangled up in it when he saw his escape. > The store manager had a blaster trained on Han. All: [Chanting] Do it! Do it! > Han jumped out of the > way as the shot ricocheted off the floor cutting the smart rope. Han > ripped a price scanner off the wall and hit the manager in the head. Boba > by now had managed to recover. Crow: From WHAT? Boba didn't even get hit! > A crate had fallen off the shelf and hit > him in the head. Boba leapt to his feet and tackled Han. Han hit him in the > back of the neck and knocked him out. Tom: Gee, that was anti-climactic. I'd hoped it was the other way around. > Han caught his breath and looked at the Tickle Me Salacious doll. It > was unscathed through all that had happened. Han gathered himself, paid > and left. Mike: You know, the entire scene before that last line could've been cut, and we would have been saved a LOT of time. > On his way out, he said, "Just charge the damages to the bastard > in the Mandalorian armor." Crow: [Narrator] Which was rather odd, because no one was there to hear him. > He puffed his chest out and took the doll home > to Leia. Tom: The non-stop ride of "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" continues! > * * * * Mike: I'm sure they could've put these stars to more of a use, like covering the rest of this story. Crow: Hey Mike, the door's open! Mike: So it is! Let's go. [Mike carries Tom out of the theater, followed by Crow.] From: Roland Warner Subject: MiSTed: "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" (2/4) Date: 1998/12/24 Message-ID: <36828D12.7F33@geocities.com> X-Deja-AN: 425568241 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 X-Trace: ralph.vnet.net 914525943 166.82.226.19 (Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:03 EDT) Organization: Hobgoblins Inc. MIME-Version: 1.0 Reply-To: tom_...@geocities.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:03 EDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc <@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*> [The Christmas decorations are still up. A stack of rocks are to the right of the screen, and we hear the sound of Crow busy building something. Mike enters from the right and trips over one of the rocks.] Mike: Ow! What the- Crow, what're you doing? [Crow jumps up from underneath the counter.] Crow: Oh, hi Mike! I'm building this chimney for Santa! I just realized that we don't have one, and Santa won't come visit us unless I build one! Mike: But Crow, don't you remember when you tried to tunnel your way back to earth? Crow: So? Mike: You almost destroyed us all! The vacuum of space will suck us all through the chimney! Besides, Santa won't visit us because he'll be an icky ball of stuff when he leaves the earth's atmosphere. Crow: You don't know anything, Mike! Santa can survive anything. He's magic. Anyway, hand me that trough over there, I'm almost done with the base. Mike: Crow, we don't need a chimney anyway! We've got the temperature controlled up here so we're always comfortable. Crow: Well, then where are we going to hang the socks? How's Santa going to get in? [Tom enters with a key in one of his hands.] Tom: With this! Crow: What's that? Tom: It's the Santa Key(TM)! We just hang this on the doorstop, and when Santa arrives, he'll use the key to get in. It's a nifty skeleton key. Mike: Where'd you get that, Tom? Tom: At a rather nice place. Mike: Really? Tom: Okay! I admit it! I got it at one of those cheap christmas shows! But that won't stop me! Santa's going to use this key to get in! Mike: Tom, honey, we don't have a doorstop. Tom: No doorstop? Crow: No chimney? T&C: NOOOOOOO!! Tom: He's not coming! Crow: Help! Santa's not going to be able to get in! [Lights flash. Cambot shakes around. Panic ensues.] All: WE'VE GOT SANTA SIGN! <*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@> [Mike enteres carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They take their seats.] Crow: *sniff* I'll get over it guys, don't worry. > Jaina and Zeblis had dropped Tenel Ka and Jacen off at the Coruscant > space port, they can get a ride back home or where ever they wanted to > go. Crow: What?? Tom: I think somehow, the narrator just shifted into someone's thoughts. > Jaina had made Jacen pinkie swear that he wouldn't tell Mom, Dad, or > ESPECIALLY Uncle Luke where she was. Mike: That's great, hiding secrets from a Jedi Knight is like trying to hide a keyboard from this author. > They were on their way to go back > to Zeblis house but Jaina couldn't wait she was to excited. This was the > first time they would make love to each other and she wanted it to be > just right. Tom: Hello, Author person? We could really use age-verification right now! Mike: I don't *wanna* know, Tom! > "Get up and out of atmosphere." Jaina spoke. > "I thought we were going to go back to my crib and test your > Christmas gift" Zeblis said. Crow: So he got her an EPT test? She could really use it! > "Change of plans" Jaina said calmly. > "I want my nookie." Zeblis started to whine. Mike: Awww, he's regressing! He wants his teddy. > "Just do what I say. GOD, you sound just like my uncle."Jaina said, > frustrated. Mike: [Loud Voice] Hello, this is GOD. I wish to inform you that I am not in this story, due to legal limitations. Please refrain from furthur use of my name in this story, or you will be hearing from my lawyer, Saint Peter. > "Okay, fine, but if I start talking to Coruscant Space Traffic Control, > they're going to think I stole the Falcon." Zeblis objected. Tom: That would make more sense. > "Don't worry! The Falcon can leave the planet anytime, trust me. > Space Traffic Control won't say a word. They're going to think the great > Han Solo is flying, and my dad gets pissed if anyone tells him when he can > and can't leave." Jaina contradicted Zeblis. Crow: [Jaina] Yeah, like that time they stopped him and asked for some ID, he flashed his belt buckle at them and then beat them over the head with his shotgun. It was *so* funny. > "Okay, okay, that's what I get for dating bossy chicks. Like daughter > like mother." Zeblis mumbled under his breath. > "What was that?"Jaina questioned. Mike: [Jaina] What do you know about my mother? > "Nothing, I was just...." > "Just what?" Tom: Jeez, give her some room to speak! > "Just thinking how smart you are to know all that." Zeblis lied. Crow: She filled her entire cranium with that previous paragraph of knowledge! > "Well I try." Jaina blushed. She leaned over in her chair and gave him > a soft kiss on the cheek and started to get up. Mike: [Jaina] Heh, if I can just make it to the door without any sudden moves, I might be able to make it. > "Wait, where are you going?" Zeblis asked. Jaina responded now > from the cabin door in the most sexy voice she had. Crow: [Jaina] Ever seen the movie "Fearless"? > "I have to go change and get ready so I can punish a bad little boy > who needs a good spanking." Tom: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! > "Hooo-Ha" yelled Zeblis excitedly. Mike: What the author failed to tell us, was that Zeblis was from Texas. > Now that he was alone in the quietness of outer space Zeblis put the > the ship in auto pilot. He was so giddy that he started singing. Tom: [To the Star Wars tune] Corn chips! Nothing but corn chips! Nothing but corn chips for everyone! > "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! > I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, whatcha think about that?!?!?" Crow: Mike, are we being punished? Mike: Most likely, Crow. > The cabin door opened. Zeblis stopped his singing immediately. Tom: [Narrator] He saw a monster from an H.R. Giger picture standing in the doorway. > "Hey big boy are you ready for me?" Jaina asked sweetly. She was > wearing the most revealing outfit Zeblis ever saw. Of course it was the > most revealing out fit he had ever seen her wear. She was wearing > absolutely nothing! Tom: Does this mean Zeblis is a virgin? Crow: You know, it makes sense! No wonder he was so eager! Mike: Okay you two, I think you've seen enough! [Mike covers both Tom and Crow's eyes.] > "Wow Jaina, you're nakey!" Zeblis said, voice cracking. Mike: Nakey? Please, God, tell me that's a typo. Crow: Nakey??? What're you talking about, Mike? > "Thanks for noticing" Jaina said in a slightly sarcastic voice. > "Any time Jainy." Zeblis said boyishly. "Oh, by the way, did you hear > any singing?" Mike: Who couldn't?? Crow: What's going on, Mike? Tom: Yeah, Mike! What's the deal? Mike: Not yet, you two. > "What kind of singing?"Jaina questioned him. "And why are you > blushing?" > "I am not blushing! I just have very rosy cheeks."Zeblis quickly > objected. Mike: Just try slugging me once, you'll see! > Before Zeblis started to argue with her she answered his question. > "No, I didn't hear any singing, especially songs by Right Said > Fred." Mike: Who in the world is "Right Said Fred"? Crow: C'mon, Mike! Drop your hand now! Mike: Not yet, Crow. > Jaina finished her sentence sitting down in the co-pilots chair. > Jaina thought about how weird and cold the artificial wampa seat cover > felt against her bare butt. [Mike starts shaking his head.] Mike: This is it. I have to keep my sanity, and protect the innocence of my bots! *sob* Help! Somebody! Anybody! Tom: Maybe I don't want to know . . . > When Jaina was done sorting out her thoughts she looked over at > Zeblis. His cheeks were a dark scarlet color. Jaina couldn't help but > giggle a little. She thought a man singing about how sexy he is was pretty > stupid and conceited. It was bold, very bold, but then again she liked that > in a man. Mike: She likes guys who care more about themselves than her? > "You have a great voice for singing." Jaina said, not only trying to > cheer him up but also trying not to start laughing in his face. Mike: [Zeblis] I thought you didn't hear me singing. > "You think so." Zeblis said in a voice that let her know that he was > taking this situation too seriously. Mike: I don't think there's anywhere else to take it! Tom: Take what, Mike? Mike: Um, her laundry! > "Let me take all your worries off your mind, Zeblis." Jaina said > again in her sexy voice. > "Really, Jainy...you would make purple Kool Aid for me?" Mike: The hell? Purple Kool Aid??? Where'd that come from?? Crow: You know, I could go for some Kool Aid right now, I'll be back. Mike: You can't go anywhere, Crow. The door's not open! > "Yes...wait...no... what the hell did you just say?" Mike: My sentiments exactly. > "I said you would make purple Kool...ah...I said...I said...have > your way with me, just no rough stuff!!!" Mike: [Zeblis] Just take off your boots and spurs! > "That's more like it then." Jaina said getting up from her chair > and getting into the straddle position. She immediately started nibbling > on his ear. [Mike uncovers the bots eyes and starts holding his head in his hands, quietly sobbing to himself.] > "Ummmmm that feels great Jainy!" Zeblis moaned. Crow: AHHH! NO! Tom: I'm going to be sick! > "Oh yea" Jaina mumbled. While unbuttoning his shirt, she remembered > Han's one rule about the kids using the Falcon. "Before we get started, if > we get one stain on my dad's chair he is going to slaughter both of us." Tom: Quick, Airsick bag, NOW! Mike: Oh my God! [He quickly reaches back and covers the bots eyes.] Crow: HOW COULD YOU, MIKE?? > "Uh oh." Zeblis said apprehensively. > "What do you mean uh oh?"Jaina said, continuing with her seductive > act. Mike: I think I just felt a kick right here! Tom: Have you no decency, MIKE?! Crow: I'm scarred for life! Mike: Quiet down, you two. There's a lot worse things going on than you saw in that second. > "Well, when you said get started, I already went." Mike: Oh no. > "You already went?!" Jaina said, coming to a complete stop. "I can't > believe you already went! I didn't even get a chance to take off your pants, [Mike starts trembling again.] Mike: Need . . . help . . . somebody . . . help . . . now. Must keep bots pure. > you stupid bast-" Jaina's ranting was interrupted by a loud beeping from > the Falcon. "Now what the FUCK is that noise?!" Jaina exclaimed. Mike: It's the censors calling. > "That's the ship's sensors. Mike: See? > Some ship is right in front of us." Zeblis > said, after recovering from his humiliation. Crow: Is it ok yet, Mike? Mike: I think so, they stopped having sex, and got interrupted by a ship. [Mike uncovers the bots eyes.] > "That vessel looks just like the Jade's Fire, but I don't see Mara." Tom: And I don't wanna any-Mara this story! > Jaina remarked. "Who is that strange naked guy in the front?" Crow: Oh my-MIKE! Mike: Uh-oh. [Mike covers the bots eyes again.] Crow: I can't believe you! > It took > Jaina about six parsecs to realize that she was naked and some strange > guy was looking at her through the cockpit. Mike: He's a voyeur! It's the sci-fi version of "Rear Window"! > "Ohmigod!!!!!" Jaina screamed as she ran out the cabin door. The man > next looked over at Zeblis and gave him two thumbs up. Mike: Are they being hailed by Roger Ebert? > All Zeblis could > think to do was wave back and cover up with his shirt the spot on his > pants which was already as stiff as a board. Mike: He must be wearing Lee Dungarees! Crow: Buddy Lee tested! > Jaina came back and said, "Well, Zeblis, I guess it's too risky to do > anything out here. Come on. We have to get back to my parents house. > Their party is starting soon." Mike: That's it? They're not going to find out who it was?? Our Plot cul-de-sac has ended uneventfully. > Zeblis and Jaina put their clothes back on and flew the Falcon back > to the house. Mike: Okay, that's it. You guys can look now. Crow: Don't you even DARE drop your hands! Tom: Yeah, Mike! We can't trust you anymore! Mike: C'mon, you guys! The scene just ended, see? [Mike drops his hands.] > * * * * Crow: Yay! Stars! Does this mean it's over? Mike: Not by a long shot. Tom: I'm sorry we didn't trust you, Mike. Mike: Forget it. Crow: What happened there, Mike? Mike: They ran into a nudist colony, I believe. Tom: So far, I'm willing to believe that anything in this fanfic can happen. > It was only an hour until the Christmas party started. Tenel Ka and > Zeblis had brought along clothes to wear. Jacen and Jaina were changed > into their dress clothes. Mike: Wow, someone's wearing clothes? > Jaina wore a burgundy velvet dress with long > sleeves, a tight top, and a flared skirt. Jacen and Zeblis both wore suits, > and Tenel Ka wore an attractive dress with a lizard-skin top and a crepe > skirt. Anakin was wearing a miniature suit with a colostomy bag to catch > his frothy diarrhea. Crow: Oh yuck! Mike: [Narrator] It was a typical evening for the Solo children. > Leia came down the stairs. She said, "All you kids look so good! She > was wearing an ankle-length red sequined ball gown with spaghetti > straps and a slit up the side. Her hair was up and curled down her back > with sparkling red icicles -shimmering strands of foil- in it. Tom: For those of you who have no clue what "icicles" are. > Luke walked in. He was wearing his OshKosh B'Gosh suit. Mike: What the- Actually, that's an improvement over what he wore in the movie! > "Gosh, > Leia...you look so sexy in that dress. Doesn't Han have a problem with that?" Tom: [Leia] I have no clue, he's still in the bar with Boba Fett drinking a beer. They're laughing about old injuries. > "Hell no!" Han said. "Even after three children I still have the > sexiest wife in the galaxy!" They started kissing, and all the kids started > making puking noises and pretending to spew. Anakin had frothy diarrhea. Mike: Well, at least we're not pretending to vomit! > Callista came in from the kitchen. She had accentuated Cray's tall, > hourglass blonde body with a sexy strapless silver lam? dress. Crow: Who's Cray? Tom: Yeah, and where did that "?" come from? [They look at Mike.] Mike: Don't ask me! I have no clue! > Her > cleavage was in full view. Crow: Breasts! > The dress fell to just below midthigh, and > she was wearing silver heels. She had styled her hair with silver icicles > and her normally makeup-free face had a soft shimmer. Mike: Wow, that actually wasn't a bad description! > Luke got all horny > just looking at her. He moved behind a chair to hide his stiffy. So did > Jacen and Zeblis. Mike: . . . that was quickly shot down by a couple of stupid sentances. > "Wow, Callista...that's one HELL of a dress!" said Han. Leia smacked > him on the arm. Tom: [Leia] Go hide behind a chair! > Luke was standing there opening and closing his mouth > like a fish out of water. Crow: Blubber might be a good name for Luke. > The first guests from the party started arriving. Figrin Dan and the > Modal Nodes had arrived and were setting up in the ballroom. Tom: Who?? Mike: The band from Mos Eisley. Tom: Oh, you mean the Fish band? Mike: Yeah, them. > Winter and > Ackbar arrived looking sharp. Dodonna and Madine arrived next, with their > dates in tow. Hobbie and Wedge walked in with dates and a bottle of > wine. Chad Hilse came in with his longtime girlfriend. Bel Eblis, Torg, Tom & Crow: It's Torgo! Tom: Wow, he certainly does get around! Crow: Yeah, I guess that whole "Master" thing didn't work out too well for him. > Willard, Zrambas, Lajaie, Hudsol, and Corran Horn arrived in a steady > stream, each with a female X-Wing pilot as a date. Mon Mothma arrived > with a Corellian she had met after her retirement from the Senate. Mike: Wow, the only people I even remotely recognize are Ackbar, Mon Mothma, and Wedge. > Teneniel and Isolder arrived next. Crow: What is this, "Make Up New Characters" day? Mike: Oooh! I'd like to create "Star Wars Fanfic Terminator"! You see, he destroys lame fanfics, such as this one, and- Tom: Dream on, Mike! > Every woman's head turned as > Isolder walked by. Crow: [Woman] Um, Isoldar, barn door, XYZ-oh, forget it! > The two went to greet Tenel Ka. > Mara Jade was the next to arrive. She wore her flaming red hair > down and was dressed in a skintight green lam? dress. At her side was > Davin Felth, the famous exiled stormtrooper. Tom: Wow, I think that's the deepest background we've gotten on any character so far. > "Leia, Callista, hello! You two look stunning. Do you know Davin > Felth? We met on Tatooine, when I was...on a mission." Mara said. Mike: Whoa, Background overload! Too much information! > "Yes, we've met Davin... many years ago on Tatooine. Crow: When'd they go to Tatooine? Mike: Crow, quit asking questions. We're stuck with a Fanfic author who's read nearly every Star Wars novel there is. > And thank you, > Mara. You two both look great." Leia said. > "May I say," added Davin, "that you, Leia, have a very pretty > daughter. She looks just like you." Tom: [Mara] But they don't look anything like Han, hmm . . . > "Thanks, Davin..." Leia said, confused. Where would Davin Felth have > seen Jaina? she wondered. Crow: [Davin] She's over there, putting on a show for everyone. > Luke looked out the window. He saw someone whom he hadn't seen in > a long time: Gaerial Captison. He pulled Callista away from the door for a > few minutes. Mike: Okay, another Star Wars novel reference, it seems. > Gaerial came in, wearing a gold dress with a sequined top and a > short, tight bottom. Over Callista's shoulder, Luke saw her and thought > that she looked even more beautiful than he remembered. Leia greeted > Gaeriel and her date, a former Bakuran senator. Tom: Wow, no name this time. I'm shocked! > Callista and Leia saw Dash and Lando coming up the front walkway. > They were the last guests to arrive. Crow: Uh oh, Mike! I'm starting to infer things from this story that are very subtle! HELP! Mike: No Crow! Stop inferring! Neither of them are how you think! > Leia turned to Callista with a > desperate look on her face. Crow: Not gonna say a word! > "Dammit, Callista...I really abhor Dash. Mike: Gee, the author just used a vocabulary word! > I'm sure he's going to do > something to embarrass me and ruin my party." Tom: I think it was ruined the moment they decided to have a party! > Leia said. > "Look, Leia...I don't always approve of everything Luke does, but in > every relationship you have to make some compromises. Crow: [Callista] Like me for instance, I managed to talk Luke into putting his lightsaber up at night, instead of sleeping with it. > Just try and be > polite, and maybe Dash will just leave you alone." Mike: I think we've just been given the Christmas Message. > Callista replied > optimistically. > Dash and Lando came in the door. Lando had on his customary cape > and suit with bell-bottoms, and Dash was wearing a trench coat. Tom: Wow, someone's actually wearing clothes! This is amazing! A new breakthrough for this story! > "Well hello ladies! How are my favorite fly honeys doing tonight?" > said Lando, kissing Leia and Callista's hands. Mike: [Lando] Uh oh, I fink I caht my toof on yo ring, Leia. > "We're doing great, Lando. Can I take your coats?" asked Leia, for > the moment relieved. Crow: NO! My God, I just got really bad vibes! > Lando handed Leia his cape. Dash said, "Santa Claus is here, baby!" > and threw off his trench only to reveal a red g-string with a bell on it > Leia screamed. Tom: Mind if we join in? [They all start screaming and panicking. Crow rushes for the door, Mike shields his eyes, and Tom starts vomiting and faints. Crow bangs his head against the wall and passes out. Mike rushes to aid him.] Mike: Crow! Wake up! [Crow doesn't move a muscle. Mike moves over to Tom.] Mike: Tom, buddy! Somebody, speak to me! [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: What's wrong, Mike? I heard a bunch of screaming. Mike: I think this fanfic just killed Tom and Crow. Gypsy: Here, this should do it. [A giant zap of electricity fills the room.] Tom: Whoa! I'm back! Crow: Mike, I had this horrible dream that this giant Torgo had come to take me away, and it was really awful, and none of you were there! Mike: Thanks, Gyps! Gypsy: No problem, Mike! Mike: Now, let's settle down, you guys. > Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes stopped, midsong. The > entire party screeched to a halt and the room was dead silent. Leia > slapped Dash and ran upstairs. Han followed suit, giving Dash a dirty look. Crow: [Han] I'll smack you later. > > * * * * > Upstairs, Leia was screaming at Han. Tom: [Leia] I thought *YOU* were supposed to wear the Sexy Santa outfit! > "Han, I knew this was going to happen! I knew it!!!" Leia shrieked, > furious. "Every time Dash Rendar comes to our house, he makes a scene. > He's probably downstairs getting piss-drunk and hitting on all the > women. Mike: [Han] And I'd be down there doing the same thing too! > This is SO EMBARRASSING, Han. Go get that son of a bitch and > make him put on some clothes!!!!!" Crow: Yes, make everyone put on clothes! > Han, defeated, went downstairs to get Dash. When he arrived, Dash > had put on his trench again. Mara and two other women stopped Han and > said, "Han, tell Leia that was great! Dash stripping...I never would have > guessed it!" Tom: [Mara] And that slapping, magnificent! > Han took Dash upstairs and got one of his suits for Dash to wear. > While Dash was changing, Han took Leia aside. > "The women downstairs thought that Dash was part of the > entertainment... a stripper, if you will. So they didn't even realize that it > was totally unplanned!" Han said. Mike: [Han] They also said that the punch tasted kind of funny too. > Leia breathed a sigh of relief. Dash came out of the bathroom in the > new suit, and Leia would have almost dared to say he looked pretty > dapper. Crow: [French Person] You dappy english K-niggit! > The three returned to the party downstairs. Mike: And on that note, let's return to our little party. C'mon, you guys. [Mike picks up Tom and leaves the theater, followed by Crow.] <@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*> [The Perfect Christmas Tree(TM) is sitting on the table. A couple of presents are underneath it. The gang enters from the left.] Mike: See, guys? I put all our presents underneath the tree. Crow: But you're not Santa! Mike: I know that. Don't worry, Santa will be here guys. In the meantime, let's open some of our presents. Tom, you go first. Tom: Okay. [He pauses for a moment.] Ahem. Mike: Oh, right. The arms. Here, I'll open them for you. [Mike grabs one of the presents.] Mike: Okay, "To Tom, From Mike and Crow". [He tears off the wrapping.] See that? Tom: Why, it's a whole pair of new boxers for my underwear collection! Show the folks at home, Mike. [Mike holds up each boxer.] Wow, a "Do not open until Christmas one", heh heh. A little Smiley face with a tongue sticking out. Wow, Joe Namath sling shot netted briefs. Um, I'm touched guys. Crow: Well, Mike wanted to get the Joe Namoth ones. Mine next, Mike! Mike: Okay. [Mike grabs another present and opens it.] Crow: Awww, a Debbie action doll! It speaks over five thousand different sayings! Go ahead, push her button, Mike. There's a first time for everything, heh heh. Mike: Well, oka- Hey! [Mike pushes down on Debby's back.] Debby: This door's locked, move on to the next one. Crow: What the- try it again. Debby: Set for stun! Tom: Oh my God! They switched the voice packs with Stormtroopers! Crow: I'm touched, you guys. Really, I am! I just hate to think of what the Stormtroopers are saying right now. Tom: Open yours now, Mike! Mike: Well, okay, but if it's a Sexy Santa Suit, you're both dead. [Mike grabs a rather small package underneath the tree and opens it.] Mike: Why, it's a photograph of you two . . . with my ex-girlfriend . . . in Wisconsin . . . in one of those small photobooths. Crow: Yeah, we decided to use the time machine to go back and bring back a little of earth for you for Christmas. Hope you like it. Tom: Yanno, it's rather tough to find a photobooth for only a buck. Crow: Shhhh, quiet Tom! Mike: Wait, what about Gypsy? Crow: Don't worry Mike, we took care of her present. Tom: Hey Gypsy! Come on in! Gypsy: [OS] Hold on a moment. Mike: So, what'd you guys get her? Tom: Oh, you'll see. [Gypsy enters with a chef's hat on.] Gypsy: What is it, guys? I'm trying to prepare tonight's Christmas Dinner! Crow: Don't you want to see what your Christmas present is? Gypsy: Christmas present? You guys got me a Christmas present?? Tom: Well, yeah! Gypsy: Oh my, I'm so embarassed! I didn't get you anything! Crow: Oh, don't worry Gyps, you already do enough for us by running the ship! Tom: Mike, go ahead and open her present! Mike: Ah, okay. [Mike tears off the wrapping paper and reveals a record.] Gypsy: It's a "Richard Basehart Sings the Classics" record! Oh guys, this is so beautiful! I can't begin to thank you! Mike: Here ya go, Gyps. [Mike places part of the record in Gypsy's mouth.] Gypsy: [Muffled] Fank you guys! [She exits the screen.] Mike: You guys know that she'll never stop playing that record, right? Tom: Of course, but remember, her room is right next to yours, heh heh. [Lights flash, panic begins, chaos ensues!] All: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! We've got Christmas.Sign! From: Roland Warner Subject: MiSTed: "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" (3/4) Date: 1998/12/24 Message-ID: <36828D1C.1FCD@geocities.com> X-Deja-AN: 425568251 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 X-Trace: ralph.vnet.net 914525957 166.82.226.19 (Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:17 EDT) Organization: Hobgoblins Inc. MIME-Version: 1.0 Reply-To: tom_...@geocities.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:17 EDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc <*...1...2...3...4...5...6...@> [Mike enters carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They take their seats.] > * * * * > Han and Leia came back downstairs with Dash. Tom: The latest in laundry detergent. > Dash found a group of > Leia's girlfriends and started hitting on them. Crow: [Dash] Hey girls, wanna see my Sexy Santa outfit? > However, in another corner > of the room, Callista and Luke were talking while they danced. A slow > song was playing. Callista wrapped her arms around Luke's neck and > pulled him close, and they slowly swayed back and forth. Mike: [Luke] Mmmm, you're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started, I feel like my feet have never touched the floor! Tom: [Callista] They haven't, you've been standing on mine. Crow: Uh oh, Muppet dancing jokes, we've hit a new low. > "Mmmmm, Luke...this is so nice. Our first Christmas together." > murmured Callista, resting her head on Luke's shoulder. Tom: It's nice to see they got over the "Gaerial' incident so quickly. > "Yeah...I agree, Callista. None of the stars looked quite as pretty as > you do tonight." said Luke. Crow: Except for maybe Sandra Bernhardt. > Suddenly, Callista felt something poking her in the stomach. Mike: What the- > It was > coming from Luke's pants! Tom: YUCK! Crow: Ugh! Ugh! > She said cautiously, "Hey...is that a blaster in > your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Mike: [Luke] It's Willy, the lightsaber that couldn't. > "Oh...let's see..." said Luke. "Here it is, I'm such a dork! I left > Anakin's Crayola scissors in my pocket!" Crow: The ones that were covered in Anakin dung? That's disgusting! > He pulled them out and set them > on a nearby table. > "Hey, Luke...I'm going to go talk to Leia and Mara, okay? You behave > yourself," Callista said teasingly, giving Luke a light kiss. Tom: Heh heh, the ol' Ball and Chain. > She walked > over to the other women and took a glass of champagne. Luke decided to > mingle. Mike: So he used the Force to do party tricks! Crow: Yeah, I can just see it now: Luke tossing people into the air at random, drinks flying left and right, and him severing his other hand while performing with his lightsaber. > Out of the blue, Gaeriel Captison appeared in front of Luke. "Dance > with me." she said to him. Tom: [Luke] Um, but I only dance with wolves. > Luke saw Callista talking with Leia, Mara, > Davin, and Corran Horn. He figured she could sit this slow dance out. Crow: Yep, I definitely see the romance here. Mike: It's a wonder we haven't seen Luke on "The Jerry Springer Show". > Gaeriel wrapped her arms around Luke and pulled her body close to > his. Tom: [Gaerial] You know, my marraige was wrecked by something really stupid. Mike: [Luke] Really? What was that? Tom: [Gaerial] My husband. Crow: Great, more Muppet dancing jokes. > As "White Christmas" played, she said, "Luke...I've missed you...I > know you thought I was dead but I wasn't...I've just been out of > commission..." Crow: [Gaerial] I was in for repairs. > "That's great, Gaeriel, and I'm glad you're alive...but I have a new > girlfriend now. Callista and I love each other." said Luke. Mike: I can definitely see that. > "I'm sure you do...you're so loving, Luke, and so easy to fall into...You > know, I never stopped loving you..." Tom: [Gaerial] -your food. > "Well, that's sweet, Gaeriel...I'll always care about you..." Luke > replied. Crow: [Luke] Breasts! > Like it or not, the way she was rubbing her body against his, he > was getting turned on. Mike: Who hasn't been turned on in this fanfic? All: Us! > "I almost didn't come here...I shouldn't have..." Gaeriel whispered. > "Why?" asked Luke. Tom: Because we like you! > "Because I knew I would do something crazy when I saw you...like > this..." Crow: [Narrator] She pulled out a Tickle-Me-Salacious-Crumb and waved it in Luke's face. > As soon as the words left her lips, Gaerial pulled Luke down into a > kiss. Mike: Great, they're sharing gum now. > It was a great kiss, passionate and sensual. He even thought he felt > her tongue in his mouth! Before he could pull away, although part of him > didn't want to, he heard a scream. Luke pushed Gaeriel off and saw > Callista storming towards them. Tom: Oh boy, the fit is gonna hit the shan. > "What the hell? What in the goddamn hell is THIS?" Callista > screamed. Crow: Here we go, she's gonna smack him. I just know it! All: Do it! Do it! > "It's...it's...n-n-nothing..." stammered Luke. > "Who is this cheap little slut?" demanded Callista. > "She's not a slut. She's an old friend and an ex of mine." Mike: [Callista] I'll repeat again "Who is this . . ." > "You said you loved me, and as soon as my back is turned-" Callista > was cut off by a loud retort from Gaeriel. Tom: Cat fight! > "Shut up, you illogical bitch. I had Luke first, and we never actually > broke up. Crow: Um, wasn't there a Christmas party somewhere? > He just was under the impression that I was dead. I was his > first after Camie, Mike: Camie? Tom: Oh boy, let's hope he broke up with her. > and I know I'm a million times better in bed than > her...or YOU!" screamed Gaeriel. Crow: How would she know, unless- Tom: That's sick, Crow! > "You had sex with him??? Luke never said anything!" Mike: Well, she never really *said* she did it with him! > "That's because he didn't want to hurt your feelings, although I can't > imagine why not. He knows I'm better!" screamed Gaeriel. Tom: [Gaerial] Let's ask Luke. Luke, wha- Hey, where'd he go? > "Wait...Gaeriel...we never had sex. You just gave me a lot of > blowjobs, up to and including some massive ones." interjected Luke Crow: Oh, so suddenly he's turned into President Clinton? Luke must've taken pointers from him. > "Well, now the little tramp's just a blowjob factory." said Callista > sarcastically. Tom: Mike, what's a "blowjob"? Mike: Remeber "Twister"? Tom: Oh, I see. > The whole party had come to a halt, and everyone was staring at the > three. Crow: [Callista] Um, Luke, XYZ. > Luke stepped in to stop the fighting when Gaeriel slapped Callista > in the face. Mike: Great, she missed him by a mile! > "What the FUCK!" shouted Callista. She clawed at Callista's face > with her long silver nails. Tom: Wait, Callista clawed Callista's face? > Dash was standing there screaming "Cat-FIGHT! Cat-FIGHT!" when > Mara Jade slapped him Crow: Yes! Mike: Go Mara! > and told Davin to take him outside and beat the > shit out of him. Tom: All right! Mike: Yes! Two things have gone right so far! > Lando stepped between the two women and pushed them apart. Crow: Oh boy, now Lando's gonna get smacked! I don't think this thing can get any better! > He > had plenty of experience breaking up catfights. He had many claw scars, > not all on his back. Mike: He should really start clipping his fingernails. > "Hey, you two. Cut it out. Luke cares about you both. Right, Luke?" Tom: [Luke] I'm not in this anymore. Leave me out of it all! > Luke nodded in agreement. > "But he can only love one of you. Now Gaeriel, Luke still cares about > you and remembers how much you loved each other. Right Luke?" > Luke nodded his head vigorously. Crow: C'mon! When does Lando get smacked? > "And Callista, you must remember the guys you dated in the past. > But Luke is the now guy, Mike: Luke's just now becoming a guy? > and like all your old lovers, he's putting this old > lover in the past. They just got a little carried away with old feelings." > said Lando. Tom: Is that the Christmas message? Crow: This Dear Abby letter brought to you by Lando Calrissian. > "Yeah, that's it. What he said." said Luke. > "So can you two put it past you and try to get along?" Mike: [Gaerial] But what about me? > All three nodded and shook hands. Dash and Davin came back into the > party. Both were bleeding and bruised. Crow: We missed it?? I'd have rather see Davin kick Dash's butt, instead of Lando's Christmas Message. > Mara and Leia secretly wished they > could have seen Davin smack the living hell out of Dash, god knows they > would have liked to. Mike: You and all of us. > "Let's hear a song! How about ‘Christmas in Hollis' by Run-DMC?" shouted > Lando to Figrin Dan. Crow: Do they have any other music here than just Run-DMC? > Figrin Dan turned to the Modal Nodes and started playing. Everyone > started dancing again. Mike: [Dancer #1] You know, my doctor says I'm getting the Asian Flu. Tom: [Dancer #2] What did he say to do? Mike: [Dancer #1] He says take two fortune cookies and call me in the morning. Crow: Don't you guys ever run out of those Muppet jokes? > * * * * Tom: And the party's over like that! Crow: Here comes the epic part, "The Morning After". > The next evening, Han and Leia were waiting until the kids were > asleep to go downstairs and put their gifts under the tree. Han was going > around to check on all the kids. Crow: I just had a thought: Where's the dog? Tom: Dog? Crow: Yeah, every family has a dog! They could call him Rex Buttsniffer. Mike: Don't give them any ideas, Crow! > "Well, Anakin just shit his bed, so I changed the sheets. Mike: They should really see a doctor about that. > I give the > kids another 10 minutes to fall asleep. Leia? Leia, where are you?" Tom: [Glenda] Come out, come out, wherever you are! > said > Han upon entering the room and not seeing his wife. Crow: [Leia OS] Han, remember Dash from last night? > "I'm in the bathroom. I'll be right out. Just sit down on the bed." > Leia called. Tom: Daaa-duh, daaa-duh, dum-dum-dum-dum- > Han laid down on the bad and made himself comfortable. He picked > up Leia's copy of Modern Mom magazine and started thumbing through it. Mike: Ah, see there! Product placement! > He was reading an article about a top X-Wing pilot who was also a single > mom of two. Han remembered seeing her at the party last night. He > thought she had been there with Wedge. Or was it Hobbie? Crow: [Han] Or was it both? I can never remember! > His thoughts were jarred back to the present when he hear Leia purr, Mike: [Han] Do you need a litter box *too*, Leia? > "Oh Santa Han...can I sit on your lap? We'll talk about the first thing that > comes up..." Tom: [Han] Not another dolly! Every little girl wants a dolly! > Han dropped the magazine. Leia was wearing the Sexy Elf costume. Crow: Mike, please. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike covers Tom and Crow's eyes.] > It was a bra top made of green velvet with a fake white fur trim. She > had on a tiny short skirt that matched the bra and as she turned around to > shake her ass at Han, he noticed that she wasn't wearing anything > underneath. Mike: Parents, now would be a good time to talk to your kids, and kids, I'm going to have to ask you to leave your computers and go board another fanfic. > On her feet she was wearing high heels with little bells at > the end. Her hair was down and fell in loose curls down her back, and a > shade of red lipstick that he had only seen on the dancers at Galaxy Girls. Mike: Oh my God, does this mean that Leia- Tom: What? Mike: Forget it. > Han was speechless. Leia said, "Come on, Santa. Let's go put these > presents under the tree and then I'll give you a gift. Or maybe I could just > suck your candy cane." Mike: [Han] But we're supposed to put the Candy Canes on the Christmas tree! > Han and Leia collected the gifts and went downstairs to put them > under the Christmas tree. Mike: Where they found Rex drinking from the Christmas tree water. Crow: So they *do* have a dog! Mike: No, you're just rubbing off on me, Crow. > They stacked the gifts and filled the stockings. > Han and Leia filled their own stockings as well as Luke and Callista's. > After that, they couldn't resist anymore. Han laid Leia down in front of > the Christmas tree and started taking off her top by the dim light of the > tree. Tom: Is it safe yet, Mike? Mike: Bad time to ask, Tom. > Leia slipped off Han's pants and when all Leia had left was the > heels, they started to kiss and stroke each other's bodies. Han was > harboring a major hard-on. Leia sucked it until Han thought he was going > to die from pleasure. Mike: Yes! He's gonna die! Crow & Tom: Woohoo! Okay, drop the hands, Mike, I wanna see this! Mike: That was sarcasm, guys. You do not wanna see. > "God damn, Leia...you told me you don't like giving head." Han > groaned. Mike: [Narrator] We've secretly replaced Leia's teeth with vampire fangs. Let's watch and see what happens. > "I don't, but it's Christmas, and I thought I'd give you a special gift." > Leia said around his dick. Mike: Words fail me. I do *NOT* want to touch that line. > After he heard her say that, he felt more in love with her than he > ever had before. Mike: So sex is why he fell in love? > He rolled her over on top of him and he entered her. They > moved in rhythm until they both climaxed. When they were finished, they > heard movement upstairs. Mike: [Han] The hell? That came from Jacen and Jaina's room! Crow: What did? Mike: Nothing, it's almost over. > "It's a good thing we just finished, because if anyone had seen us, > Mommy would have been doing a lot more than just kissing Santa Han." Mike: I'm getting a really deep, dark idea here that Santa Han isn't just a name. > whispered Leia as she gathered her Sexy Elf costume. > "Ditto." said Han as they hurried upstairs to their room. Just as > they fell into bed, Luke opened the door. Mike: Here comes the comedy relief! > "I heard screaming, and then I felt a ripple in the Force...is > something wrong? I thought...I'd....um....oops..." Luke's sentence tapered > off as he noticed that both his sister and his brother-in-law were naked. Mike: Wah-wah-wahhhhh. > He suddenly realized what happened. Luke was glad it was dark because > he started blushing head to toe. Mike: And he felt all tingly inside. > He rushed out of their room. Luke kinda > wondered if his was bigger than Han's...he really hoped so. Mike: Hey, I thought size didn't matter? > "Wow, for all his Jedi ability he sure is a naive guy sometimes." > said Han. > "Ditto." said Leia as she snuggled up against Han's side. "Merry > Christmas, baby." she whispered as he put his arms around her and fell > asleep. Mike: The end, yay! Tom: It's over? Wow! Mike: Not even close. > * * * * Mike: There, now the scene's over. [He drops his hands.] Crow: Great, now I see stars. Tom: What'd we miss? Mike: You missed story time, with Uncle Luke. Crow: Oh well. Poor us. > At four in the morning, Anakin jumped out of bed. He was so excited > that it was Christmas that he shit his pants. Crow: Ladies and gentleman, our only running gag. > After he changed himself > and cleaned himself up, he ran into his parents' room. His tummy felt all > melty from excitement. Tom: He's got Ebola, RUN! > "Mommy, Daddy, wake up! It's Christmas morning!" Anakin was > disappointed at the delay of his parents to wake up, so he grabbed the > blankets with the Force and pulled them off. To his surprise, his parents > were naked. Mike: "I saw mommy kissin' Santa Han!" > "Wow, Jacen and Jaina are gonna be really grossed out when I tell > them that you guys actually do still have sex!" Anakin shouted. Mike: Well, surprise, guess where you came from, you annoying little- > "Anakin honey, go back to your room. You're sleepwalking and all > this is a dream. Crow: You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. > Close your eyes, go back to your room, then you'll wake > up and realize that you were dreaming." Leia said quickly, pulling the > covers back up. Tom: Each man is a God. Each man is free. > Anakin walked back to his room. During that time, Leia used the > Force to create the image that he was dreaming and put him back to sleep. Crow: Mike, can we use the Force and pretend that all this is just a dream? Mike: Give it a shot. [Crow starts shaking.] Crow: Nope, all I can come up with is "Louie, Louie". > When Anakin woke up five minutes later, he wondered why he'd been > dreaming that he saw his parents naked. Tom: I think Freud might have something to say about that. > He realized it was Christmas > and ran into his parents room. To his relief, they were both clothed in > their pajamas. Mike: [Narrator] Strangely, Leia was dressed as a half-nekkid Santa, while Han was wearing the Elf costume. > "Mommy, Daddy, wake up! It's Christmas!" he shouted. Han told him > to go wake up Jacen, Jaina, Callista, and Uncle Luke and meet Leia and him > downstairs. They all eventually converged by the Christmas tree and > started tearing into their gifts. Crow: [Narrator] And by the end, they had torn all the gifts, and no one got anything. The end. > "Wow, Mom, I love the tube top!" remarked Jaina. "I bet Zeblis will > too!" Crow: You mean she's actually going to wear something when they meet? > Everyone else opened all their gifts. The whole extended family > crowded around to look at Anakin's coveted Tickle Me Salacious Crumb > doll. Mike: Then Anakin transferred Luke's soul into the doll and began to beat it. > Suddenly, the doll started giggling Salacious's giggle and jumped up > and started to eat Anakin's hair. Crow: [Repairman] Ah, here's your problem: This thing was set to evil. > "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! MOMMY, THE DOLL IS FUCKING EATING > ME!!!!" Anakin screamed as he shit his pants in fear. Tom: Good! Maybe it'll teach you a lesson about swearing and where the toilet is. > Luke, Callista, Leia, Jacen, and Jaina all whipped out their > lightsabers Crow: [Anakin] Wait, guys, can't we talk about this? > and slashed at the evil doll. Mike: [Luke] Wait, there's only *one* doll and five of us! > It sizzled into a million pieces. > Luke had cut off its hand. Tom: Methinks someone is still bitter over "The Empire Strikes Back". > All of a sudden, they heard a knock at the door. > "Yo Solos and non-Solos, whasup?" All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh. > Lando said as he walked through > the door carrying a tall stack of gifts. He passed a gift out to everyone, > then said, "Break out the eggnog, homeys!" Crow: Great, is everyone going to get drunk again? > They all enjoyed cups of eggnog, some with a little more rum than > others. Lando had picked out perfect gifts for everybody. Leia put on the > extravagant silk robe Lando got her. Jacen and Jaina marveled at the > lightsaber covers. Anakin stared wide-eyed with fear at the new Tickle > Me Salacious Crumb doll. Mike: [Narrator] And it was three times the size of the other doll. It devoured everyone. The End. > After Luke squeezed it and they found that it wasn't possessed, > Anakin turned to Lando and said, "Yo Uncle Lando, that shit's dope!" Crow: What? Tom: It must be Star Wars lingo. > Han looked at the five hundred credits that Lando had given him. > "Don't you think you could have come up with a more personal gift > than this?" Han asked. Mike: At least he didn't get him a lame gift cerificate. > "This is personal," Lando replied, adding in a hushed voice, "Galaxy > Girls is having eggnog wrestling tomorrow. I thought it could be my > treat." Crow: [Han] Wait, aren't you going out sometime tomorrow, Leia. Hmmm, I've been wondering where you found that Elf suit. > "Ohhhhhhh. I get it." Han said, with a fiendish smile on his face. Tom: [Han] We're heading over to "Wal-Mart" tomorrow, I see! > "Leia gave me head last night, Crow: Is that what happened, Mike? Tom: She gave him her head? That's sick! Mike: You didn't have to see it! > and I get to go to Galaxy Girls tomorrow." > He turned to his family and said, "This is the best Christmas ever!" Crow: Well, he was an easy person to shop for! > "By the way, Han, Leia, Luke, Callista...there's a New Year's party > over at the Sky Palace Hotel. Mike: Oh no, not another party! Will this horror EVER end? Tom: Say, what ever happened to running the New Republic? Wasn't Leia in charge of it? > Dash and I rented out a huge suite. It's > gonna be da bomb." Lando said. Crow: Must be more Star Wars lingo. Mike: Hey, maybe it means that there will be a bomb at the party. > "Great! But what are we going to do with the kids?" Leia replied. > "We'll be okay..." Jaina and Jacen said in unison, with one thing on their minds. Tom: That dull, blank, dry mass called a brain. > "Come on, guys. There's hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls in the > kitchen. Let's eat!" said Luke. When they all were in the kitchen eating, > Luke put two cinnamon rolls over his ears and said teasingly, "Hey > Leia...remember me?" He added is a high, sing-song voice, "Help me, Obi- > Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!" All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh. Mike: Okay, that's enough of that. > Leia reached over and smacked Luke. Crow: Yes! Finally, someone smacked Luke! > Han added, "Hey, if it wasn't > for that message, Leia and I would have never met! So don't knock it!" Mike: And you never would've found the secret Death Star Plans, destroyed the Death Star, defeated the Empire, and this fanfic never would've been created. Hey, this is all Artoo's fault! Death to the Droid! > They all laughed. No one could wait for New Year's. Tom: Wait, when was this poll taken? I know three votes that would've said "We can wait." > * * * * > The week after Christmas, the Solo home was engaged in mass > eggnog consumption. All the eggnog was gone by the morning of New > Year's Eve. Crow: Well there go the party favors. > Leia, Jaina, Winter, and Callista were out shopping for new > outfits for New Year's Eve. Jacen and Jaina were hosting a party for all > their friends at the palace. Mike: Great, now Jacen and Jaina are having a party. Somehow, I have a feeling this will be worse than the Solo's kegger party. > The three entered the fanciest dress shop on > Coruscant, The Corusca Gem. Tom: Oddly located next to "Galaxy Girls". > "Wow, Mom...this one is great!" said Jaina, holding up a barely-there > dress with an extremely short skirt. Crow: Um, not in front of your mother, do you do that. > "Oh, no you don't, young lady. Not in my house. In fact, not in > ANYONE'S house. Put that back now." Leia said. Mike: Wow, that's the first thing she's said right. > Jaina looked defeated, and put the dress back. Callista came back > with several dresses that she had chosen for herself. Leia and Winter > picked ones of a slightly more conservative variety. All four chose > dresses and bought them, the tab in total coming to over two million > credits. That night, they went home and dressed for the party. Tom: And why were we told all this? > "This is going to be great. Pending that Dash comes fully clothed > and stays that way, we could have a lot of fun." Callista remarked, and > the other two women nodded in agreement. Mike: It's so nice that they got over the whole "Sexy Santa" thing. > Everyone was ready. Leia and Han gave Jacen and Jaina a lecture > about the party. Crow: [Leia] Now, kids, when two people really love each other . . . > "We want to go over a few things with you two before your party. > No alcohol. You're too young. I don't care what you heard about your > father doing when he was your age. You two are VERY different from him. > No spice of any kind. That's a definite." Leia said firmly. Tom: My vote is that they break every rule within the first hour. Mike: I second that! Crow: Third! > "That's right. I used to smuggle the spice, I know what it smells > like. If we come back and there is ANY of that around, you two are both > dead." Han added. Mike: Or probably will be by the time they're found. > "And this is important--I realize this is a coed party but I want > everyone to keep everything they were wearing at the beginning of the > party on through the entire thing. That means no strip sabacc, no "100 > parsecs in Heaven" or sex of ANY KIND. Crow: Gee, they sound like such fun party games. > Do you both understand? I don't > want you two doing anything with Zeblis or Tenel Ka, and I don't want any > of that going on with your guests." Leia said. Tom: So, they leave them *unattended* at their own party, and expect these two to follow the rules? > "We promise we won't do alcohol, spice, or any of our guests." Jacen > and Jaina said in unison. Mike: If I recall, isn't there a Jedi Academy somewhere? Crow: It must be out on Christmas Vacation. > Luke sensed with the Force that they were lying. He gave them one > of his infamous ‘well-meaning scolding you-know-better Jedi-are- > righteous-warriors' looks. Tom: Luke doesn't sound so "righteous" to me! > Jacen and Jaina retaliated with their infamous > ‘Uncle-Luke-you're-a-big-gay-dork' look. Mike: And then Luke slashed off both their hands with his lightsaber. > Ackbar said, "Bbbbbbbb, we're going to be late. Bbbbbbb, let's go!" Crow: Did he just give us a raspberry? > They all got into the Falcon and left for the Sky Palace Hotel. > Jacen and Jaina took one look at each other and said, "Yes!" Jaina > rolled in the keg and Jacen hit the lights and turned on LL Cool J. Tom: "Lazily lacking cool jazz". > He knew > that it got the ladies in the mood for some pants action. Mike: More Star Wars lingo, it would seem. > * * * * Crow: I would not give this thing a four star rating. It'd be more likely that this story would end up in a blackhole, before it even got one star. Mike: C'mon, you guys. Let's get outta here before we go blind. [Mike picks up Tom and they exit the theater.] <@...1...2..3...4...5...6...*> [Mike enters the SOL, holding his picture of Tom, Crow, and his Ex.] Mike: Sigh, well, at least they had good intentions, I hope. [Tom walks in wearing the "Do Not Open Until Christmas" boxers on his head.] Tom: Ah, hello, Mike! Enjoying our little gift to you? Mike: You don't know the half of it, Tom. Tom: That's good! Debby: [OS] Look sir, Droids! Tom: Ah, and here comes Crow! [Crow enters with the Debby doll in his hands.] Crow: Hey guys, you know, this Debby doll makes the perfect addition to my Star Wars toy collection! Although I don't think I'll take the blowtorch to her, like I did the rest of my collection a few moments ago after today's fanfic. Mike: That's nice, Crow. I think after this is through, we'll all go out and destroy our valuable Star Wars collections without thinking twice. [The Mads light flashes] Mike: Oh, yes, Pearl-lite? [CF] [The Castle is decorated in Christmas decorations as well, and Pearl's wearing a dark-red Santa hat. Bobo and Observer are standing around her.] Pearl: Ah, Nelson, just figured I'd let you know, we've decided what Christmas craze we'd introduce. We decided to take Bobo's hair that he's been shedding for a long time, wrap it around a little voice-box, and create the "Furby"! Of course, it's not going to take off right away, but I'll find some radio announcer or someone to help out. Anwyay, get back in the theater! We're busy down here with more plans. [To both sides of her.] Bobo! Brain Guy! Get over here. Observer: Yes, Pearl? Pearl: I've figured out how we can take over the world tonight! When Santa lands on the Castle roof, at the very first sound of a reindeer's hoof, Bobo and Brain Guy, I want you to be ready to capture him when he slides down the chimney wall. Then, I will make off with sleigh and all! Bobo: You want us to capture Santa? Isn't that being a bit too mean? Pearl: Well, yeah. It won't work if you don't do it! Bobo: Hm, makes sense! [SoL] Crow: No fair, they get to see Santa tonight! [Lights flash, panic begins, chaos ensues.] All: NOT SANTA.SIGN! NOOOOOOO!! Tom: Save Santa! From: Roland Warner Subject: MiSTed: "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" (4/4) Date: 1998/12/24 Message-ID: <36828D2A.43F@geocities.com> X-Deja-AN: 425568258 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 X-Trace: ralph.vnet.net 914525970 166.82.226.19 (Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:30 EDT) Organization: Hobgoblins Inc. MIME-Version: 1.0 Reply-To: tom_...@geocities.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 13:59:30 EDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc <*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@> Crow: Someone's got to save Santa, guys. Mike: We can't do anything about it, Guys. > At the Sky Palace, one of the swankiest hotels on Coruscant, the > party was jumpin' before Han and Leia arrived. Tom: Isn't that nice? The narrator's using street lingo to make us feel more comfortable. > Lando had hired a band of > jizz-wailers, the Azwat Four. Mike: Jizz-wailers? That's disgusting! That's more than disgusting, that's sick to the lowest degree! > They were actually pretty good. Wuher Crow: No relation to Kari. > was dispensing a variety of drinks at the bar, and Dash had already struck > up a conversation with two women in tight dresses. Tom: Oh boy, let's hope they smack him at the same time! > They noticed that the > local news was outside, reporting on the ‘party of the century'. Mike: [Reporter] The empire's attacking us from all sides, but who cares? We've got the Party of the Century going on here! > Lando immediately noticed Leia and Callista and Winter. Crow: [Lando] Whatever you do, don't ask where Han and Mara are. > After > greeting them, he went outside to greet the attractive newswoman. After > the interview was over, he invited her in for some drinks. A few minutes > later, Han noticed that he and the woman were going to his private room. Tom: Does anyone here think about anything else but sex? > "Well, now that the news is gone, who's in the mood for some sabacc?" > Dash shouted. Crow: Sabacc? Tom: I think it's the Star Wars version of tobacco. Crow: Maybe that's where Darth Vader got his emphysema problem. > There was a resounding "yeah" but Han said, "Wait! It'll be more fun > when Lando is playing. Give him..." Han paused to look at his wrist > chromomater. "5...4...3...2...1..." Mike: [Announcer] RKO Pictures is proud to present . . . > Lando popped out of the room and said, > "Now did I hear there was a sabacc game going on?" Crow: [Han] Not "sabacc", "stand back"! > The newswoman came out and left for the station. Lando mouthed, "I > scored!" as she walked out, Mike: I bet you next day, the headlines will read "Loser Lando's Tiny Area". > then took his tally card out and marked a new > one down. Tom: He's keeping a tally of all the women he's scored with? Mike, I'm gong to be sick. Mike: It's almost over, Tom. Remember that. > Han, Dash, Lando, and several other guys all sat down to play > sabacc. Crow: I'm still no closer to knowing what sabacc is! > * * * * > Jacen and Jaina's party was swinging as planned. Everyone was a > little drunk. Mike: Meanwhile, at the speakeasy. > Jaina felt people grabbing her ass with the Force. Just as > she felt someone grab her chest, Crow: [sobbing] This all just so *wrong*. Tom: Please, tell me this is only a nightmare. I can't take anymore of it! Mike: We're all having the same nightmare, Tom. Tom: So, we're all just Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas? Mike: Exactly, that's where the title comes from. It appears only in our nightmares. > she turned around and said, "Who the > HELL is grabbing me with the Force? Come on, you hornball, OWN UP!" Mike: [Narrator] Luke stifled a giggle. Tom: Now you're being sick too, Mike. > She looked around until she saw one of Zeblis's friends from CHS. After > she kicked his ass, she would have to tell him about the Jedi Academy. Crow: How nice, he's about to get his butt whooped by a girl, and then invited to her school. If that's not a low blow to the the male ego, I don't know what is. > But Zeblis got there first. He and the guy were smacking each other > around and shouting. > "Don't grab my girlfriend's ass, you stupid sonofabitch!" Zeblis > shouted. Tom: There's still no evidence that he did it! That's gotta be bad, being invited to a party, and then cursed at. > Meanwhile, upstairs in his room, Jacen had Tenel Ka sitting on the > bed. Mike: Uh oh, here we go again. [Mike covers the bots eyes.] Crow: Thank you, Mike. > They had been going out for, on his count, two years. He never could > figure out why she would never let him do anything more than kiss and > sometimes touch her breasts. Mike: [Tenel Ka] You see, Jacen, we're of two different species, and well . . . > Even Lowie had gotten a blowjob from a > Wookie chick. Mike: The hell? THAT'S SICK! [He begins crying in his seat loudly.] Mike: I never wanted to know the mating habits of the Wookiee! Please, won't anyone save me? [Off-screen, we here sleighbells, and thumping across the roof. Suddenly, a giant crash is heard, and a giant man falls through the roof and lands beside Tom.] Mike: It's Santa! Crow: Santa? Mike, drop your hands now! [Mike uncovers the bots eyes, and they jump to see Santa sitting beside them.] Santa: Ho ho ho! Hello Mike, Tom and Crow! I stop off at this strange castle with this baboon, pale-faced mime and Pearl, when suddenly the baboon traps me and sends me up here! Crow: Mike, we've got to save Santa! He shouldn't be seeing things like these! Santa: Like what? > He couldn't even get a hand job! Santa: Uh oh, Christmas is cancelled this year! I never knew that these little boys and girls could be such naughty brats! Tom: It's not real, Santa. It's only a bad fanfic. Crow: Yeah, really bad. Pearl sent you up at a bad time. Tom: Is there anything we can do, Mike? Mike: I don't think so. Santa, you're stuck here with us it seems. Santa: But the boys and girls . . . Crow: They'll hafta wait. Santa: So, what is this about? Mike: Um, lots of sex, partying, and violence. Santa: Oh no, it's just like when Woodstock hit the North Pole! I couldn't get the elves back to work for days! > And god knows what > Zeblis, or Kyp Durron, or anyone else had gotten from Jaina. Santa: So, what do we do while we're reading this? Mike: Well, we basically take lines out of the story, and make sarcastic remarks. Just watch and you'll see. > He'd spent > more evenings alone pretending it was Tenel's right hand instead of his > own. Crow: Jacen leads a lonely life. Santa: Ho ho ho! I see! Here, let me try. > Good thing he didn't share a room with Jaina anymore. Santa: That way, he can get more presents when I come to visit! Mike: Um, I think you're missing it by a bit, Santa. > He leaned over and started kissing Tenel. She responded, kissing > back, but when he tried to push his hand up her leg any farther than her > knee, she backed off. Santa: Oooh, someone's going on the naughty list permanently! Crow: Well, that one was better. > "Tenel Ka, we've been going out for two years now. Mike: Does this qualify us for senior discounts? > We've known > each other for longer. Why haven't you let us go any further than > kissing?" Jacen asked, his eyes pleading. Santa: Uh oh, Jacen's going to ask her for a Furby. Tom: Zing! He's got it, guys! > "Is that all you care about? Sex? Is that the only reason you're > going out with me? Because I have a nice ass? Crow: [Jacen] Breasts! > Are you comparing our > relationship with others? You know, Jacen, I thought you were above > that." Tenel Ka said. She had fire in her eyes. Jacen didn't know how to > respond. Mike: You mean, they've been going out for two years and he's never made a move on her? > "No, Tenel Ka...I do love you, and not just because you have a nice > body. And...well, I don't know, I guess I...I just thought that our > relationship would eventually go, you know, well...in....that...um...direction. > So...well...how ‘bout it?" Jacen said cautiously. Santa: What's going on here, fellows? Tom: Well, there was this party, Christmas morning, another party, and then this party. Mike: That's about the best summary I've heard for this. Santa: You mean there's no plot? Crow: Unless the whole thing revolves around everyone having sex, I don't think there's anything to this story. > "Jacen, I never told you this, but I do obey certain Hapan customs. > And one of them is to surround yourself with attractive men, but no sex > until marriage." Tenel Ka said. Mike: Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of attractive men then? > "But don't you mainly subscribe to Dathomiran customs?" Jacen > asked, confused. Santa: What're Dathomiran customs? Mike: Don't ask us, we've never read any of the Star Wars novels. > "Yes, but I can't be more than a warrior on Dathomir, and I am in line > to rule the Hapes Cluster. I don't want to jeopardize that, even though I > am more of a warrior than a politician." she explained. Crow: That certainly does seem odd, since she likes to talk a lot. > "Oh...okay." Jacen said, disappointed. He wanted to get his nookie > elsewhere, Mike: Gee, earlier Zeblis wanted a nookie, maybe Jacen could help. Santa: Hey, I have a nookie right here in my sa- M,T,&C: NO! Santa: What? Tom: You don't understand, Santa. > but if he dumped Tenel Ka for not putting out, no girl would > ever talk to him again. Crow: That's a sure-fire reason to keep your girlfriend! > * * * * Mike: Second star to the right and straight on 'till morning. > Leia, not able to hold her liquor as well as before her pregnancies, > had collapsed on the sofa after a few drinks. Luke was sitting next to > her, the designated driver. Santa: That reminds me of the time all the Reindeer got drunk on Christmas Eve off of egg-nogg. Poor Rudolph had to guide the sleigh all by himself. Crow: It's a good thing you didn't crash, or else you'd end up with the "Donner Party", hah! Tom: Miiike! Crow made a bad pun. Mike: You're on warning Crow. > He was making sure men weren't trying to pick > up Leia. Mara Jade, Davin, Wedge and Qwi Xux, and Callista were playing a > drinking game. Mike: Okay, anytime Dash pulls out his "Sexy Santa" outfit, take two drinks. Whenever Leia gets really pissed, take one drink. Whenever anyone actually finishes having sex, drink the entire case of beer. > "What you have to do is every time Kcid Kralc says the words New > Year's, drink once. Every time he asks about resolutions, drink twice. > And if you catch him hitting on someone, you have to chug for 5 seconds." Tom: And if anyone ever explains who Kcid Kralc is, will develop a retro-80s style of music going back to the host of "Dnatsdnab Nacirema". > Everyone nodded in agreement. The fun started. Right away Callista > yelled, "Look at that! His hand's on her ass!" Santa: This is horrible! It's just so *wrong*! Crow: I know, Santa, I know. Tom: Poor Santa. He was never meant to be subjected to this. [Tom rests his head on Santa's arm. Santa silently begins to cry. Mike gently pats Santa's shoulder.] Crow: If it makes you feel better, Santa, Han got smacked with an aluminum bat earlier. Santa: [Sobbing] Really? Mike: And Luke got smacked by Leia. Santa: [Clearing up] I guess there still is hope after all. > The others cheered and > passed Callista the bottle of Verratan wine. Callista put the bottle to her > lips and chugged as they all counted "1....2....3....4...5...!" M,T,&C: Ahhhhh! We've got movie sign! > She slammed down > the bottle and wiped her lips with her wrist. > "We'll be back after this message with more resolutions!" Kralc > said. Tom: [Drunk] *hic* I'd like to thank booze *hic* for all the elves that made this acid flash possible. > Promptly everyone poured two shots of Corellian brandy and drained > them. Mara noted that Qwi was able to hold liquor a lot better than she > had expected. > Santa: The End. Let's go, guys. Mike: No such luck, Santa. We've tried that several times. > Across the room, the sabacc game was going strong. The high stakes > had driven everyone except Han, Dash, and Lando out of the game. Crow: Okay, cue the ragtime music "The Entertainer" from "The Sting". > Suddenly, the door opened. Boba Fett was standing in the door. Tom: [Boba] I've come for the Tickle Me Salacious Crumb. > "Am I late?" the bounty hunter asked. No one responded and > continued partying. Mike: They stopped being surprised when Andy Capp showed up. > While Han was occupied in a hand of sabacc, Boba > walked by Leia and patted her on the ass. Santa: Someone's got to stop him! That's the second time someone's been touching someone else's rear-end. > "Just like I remember." Boba said. Luke stood up. > "Hey, Boba , don't touch Leia! She's drunk and very vulnerable." he > said. Crow: Did you know that "very vulnerable" wasn't added until the special edition of "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" was released? > "Really?" Boba said. There was a gleam in his eye invisible through > his mask. > "Yes, Boba." > "Well, would you mind if I put her in the back bedroom? She looks > like she could use some rest and with this-" he motioned to the sabacc > game and the drinking game- "she won't sleep very well." Santa: Ho ho ho! How nice of him! He gets an extra present this year. > "Well, okay. Just promise you won't do anything." Luke said. Boba > picked Leia up and carried her into the back bedroom. He laid her down on > the bed. Crow: Isn't there supposed to be some "wocka-chicka wocka-chicka" music? > "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh....whu..where am I?" Leia slurred, stirring. > "At the party. You said you would do me." Boba said. > "Ummmm...I d...did?" Leia said. She was laying on the bed > tantalizingly and was obviously far beyond protest. Tom: Yanni will do that to you. > "Hhhhhhhan? Is, uh, that you?" Leia mumbled as Boba started to take > off her dress. > "Uh, yeah babe, it's me." Boba said. Mike: Uh oh, now we're gonna have little Boba's everywhere. > "Oh....ummmm, Han....lemme uh, ya know, suck you off.... I know you > want me to." Leia said, fumbling at Boba's groin. He unsnapped his cup > shield when he heard Han in the front room. Santa: Oh, I know! [Han] Where'd all this coal in my stocking come from?? Mike: Close, but you need to let go of Christmas for a bit, Santa. > "WHERE THE HELL IS LEIA???" Han yelled. > "She's in the back bedroom with Boba Fett." Luke said. > "WHAT? YOU LET THIS HAPPEN???" > "It's okay, Han...he promised he wouldn't do anything." Luke said. Crow: [Luke] He said he had the perfect cure for a hangover. > "Palpatine's spirit he won't! Leia? Leia?" > Boba hadn't even remembered Leia was in the room until he felt her > mouth on his hardened organ. Santa: NOOOO! I can't take anymore of it! [Santa faints.] Mike: Uh oh, we just lost Santa, guys. Crow: Poor guy never stood a chance against something of this magnitude. > He pushed her off of him. > "Leia, get off me. We can't do this." Boba said, watching the door. > "Whuuuuy, Han?" she said, sucking it back in. At that moment, Han > burst through the door. Tom: [Leia to Han] *hic* Not you again, Jabba. > "YOU BASTARD!!!!!" Han shouted, training his blaster on Boba. > "Honest, Solo, it's not what it looks like." Crow: [Leia] Han, I still love you! It's just that Boba is the "Now Guy". > "Oh. So my wife isn't giving you head. What is she doing? > Examining you for hernias real carefully? Well I didn't hear any coughing > on your part." Han said. > Leia looked up and got off Boba. "Han? Who's in the room?" Mike: [Leia] *hic* I see lots of tribbles. *hic* Where the hell did they come from? > "I'm here, you're on Boba Fett." Han explained. > "No.....th...this is H..Han. Who're youuuu?" Leia slurred. Han could tell > that she was bombed beyond belief. Crow: I had no clue! I guess that's the only way Boba can get a woman. > "Look, Solo, I don't want to start another fight. My ribs are still > healing from last time." Boba said. Tom: [Boba] And I still want my Tickle-Me-Salacious Crumb! > "Then get off my wife and join my Sabacc game. All your winnings > get transferred to me or I throw down and blow your ass away." Mike: What, no "The Jerry Springer Show" entitled "Star Whores"? Crow: I think that's a fanfic, Mike. Mike: Really? Crow: Yeah, and trust me, you don't want to read it. Mike: Why not? Crow: Let's just say, it's not very good if a fanfic like this out does "Star Whores". > Boba agreed, and Han and Boba put Leia's dress back on her and put > her under the covers. Wedge carried Qwi back to the bedroom and put her > down next to Leia. Mike: Oh great. It's a good thing Santa's passed out. > > The sabacc game was down to Han, Lando, Dash, and now Boba. The > men had been playing, and much money had been lost. Han was having a > particularly bad night. Santa: [Groggily] Whoa, what was that? Where am I? Tom: Mike, Santa's coming to! Mike: You ok, Santa? Santa: I think so. > "Okay, I'm still in. I bet a blowjob from Leia." Han said. Santa: WAAAAH! [Santa faints again.] Crow: Mike, we've got to save Santa! I don't think he can take much more of this torture. Mike: I told you, Crow, we can't do anything. We're stuck here until it's over, and we haven't got much longer. > The other three men gave him a look. "You mean that?" Lando said. > "Yeah, I do." Han said. He took another look at the 22 that he was > holding. Tom: What a feeb, he already lost Blackjack! > "Well, okay! If that's what we're betting, I bet sex with Mara." > Lando said. Crow: [Luke] Well, I bet my left hand that- oh, wait a second, that's right, heh heh. > ""You can't, she won't put out." > "She owes me a big favor." Lando explained. Then he dealt the > second hand. Tom: Does anyone know how Sabacc is even played?? Mike: Beats me. > "Sabacc!" Dash yelled, slamming his cards on the table. A perfect > negative 23. Crow: It looks like he won, I guess. Mike: I think so . . . I'm still lost. > Lando and Han glanced at each other and swallowed. They tapped > Dash's cards. No skifters. Tom: What're those? > "I want Leia now. I'll save Mara for later." Dash said. > "You can't have Leia now. She's piss drunk. Passed out." said Han. > "I'll break the news to her and stuff tomorrow." Mike: So, instead of telling her while she's drunk, he tells her when she'll be irritated and hung over. Sounds like our Han. > It was getting late. Mara yelled from the holoscreen, "The > countdown's starting soon!" Tom: [Mara] Heh, we're about to nuke the hell outta the Ewok village. > Han and Wedge went to wake up Leia and Qwi. Luke used the force to > help their drunkenness. Crow: Wha- he could've done that earlier!! Why d- Mike: Don't think about plot contrivances, Crow. > "Han, I almost missed it! Where was I?" Leia asked, draping her > arms around his neck. Tom: [Han] Honey, remember Dash? > Han and Boba were both glad that Leia didn't remember a thing. "You > were pretty drunk, babe. Piss drunk, in fact." Mike: [Leia] *hic* We'll be pissin', when we're winnin'! > "It's time to count it down!" Callista yelled. She was sitting in > Luke's lap. Everyone was waiting. Then they all started. Crow: [Narrator] Every New Years Eve, all the creatures gathered in Mid Town Square to see the Chaos Orb fall. > "10....." Luke wrapped his arms around Callista. Tom: Wow, he got violent all of the sudden. > "9......" Boba disappeared to the back of the room with an attractive > young female senator. Mike: Uh oh, Boba's gonna make out with Leia again! > "8....." Dash took a big drink of Corellian, then propositioned a > woman. She promptly slapped him. Crow: YES! Mike: WOO-HOO! Tom: Give him one for me! > "7....." Mara and Davin were all over each other like Ewoks in heat. Tom: I never wanted to have an image like that in my head. As a matter of fact, I could've lived my entire life without ever reading that sentance and been more happier. > "6...." Back at the kids' party, Zeblis took Jaina in his arms. Mike: Looks like Zeblis is pissed off as well. > "5...." At the same time, Jacen put his arm around Tenel Ka's waist. > Tenel Ka wrapped her arms around Jacen's neck. Crow: Oh no, this is turning into a snuff fic! > "4...." Wedge picked up Qwi and held her in his arms. Mike: Everyone's going down! > "3...." Han held Leia against his chest. Tom: Do it! Do it! > "2...." Lando was kissing a newly arrived Tendra Rissant. Crow: She arrived a bit late for the mass murder! > "1...." Anakin shit his pants like a muthafucka! Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen, our entire fanfic has been building up to that last line. > "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" everyone shouted. All the couples locked in > kisses. Jacen almost lost it when Tenel Ka kissed him lovingly. Jaina > was almost removing Zeblis's tongue with hers. Strands of chatter > floated around the rooms. Crow: So, does anyone have a clue as to exactly what year it *is*? > "Happy New Year, Tenel Ka." > "This is a fact." Tom: Wha- who's saying what? > "Look everyone! I shit my pants!!!" Mike: And our running gag comes to an end. > "Shut up Luke....nobody wants to play Yahtzee!" > "You bet I would do WHAT??? To Dash RENDAR???? Happy fucking > New Year, asshole!" Crow: I'm confused. > "Han, what were you thinking? Just pay him off. Hell, I'll pay him > off! > "Jaina...your dress is caught in my zipper." Tom: C'mon, we need some names of people SPEAKING! > The isolated chatter fell away as the strands of "Auld Lang Syne" > echoed through Coruscant. Fireworks went off in the sky. It was peaceful > again...but they all had a hell of a morning to look forward to. Everyone > would be sleeping off hangovers...except Luke of course. Crow: Luke would be trying to get something else off, heh heh heh. > "Trivial Pursuit? Hi Ho Cherry-O?" > "SHUT UP LUKE!!!!!!" All: YES! THANK YOU!! Tom: Our own special Christmas present from the folks at "I'm Dreaming of a Corusacant Christmas". > > > The End Mike: *sniff* Two of the most beautiful words in the english language. Crow: It's amazing! > > By Katherine and Chester > Tom: Okay, we've got to remember these names when Santa comes to for his Naughty list. Now, what're we going to do with him? Mike: I guess we've got to carry him out. Crow and Tom, you grab his feet, I'll grab his head, and together, we'll push him out. [Crow and Tom gather at Santa's feet, Mike grabs his head, and they begin struggling with Santa. Slowly, they leave the theater.] <@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*> [Mike enters carrying dragging Santa behind him. They set him down underneath the table.] Crow: What do we do, guys? We've got to save Christmas! Mike: I really don't know guys. What I do know though, is that Pearl's gone too far this time. How can she send *Santa* up here? Tom: Hey look guys, someone's calling on the HexField [The HexField opens, showing Gypsy with a Santa hat on in Santa's sleigh.] Gypsy: Hi guys! Mike: Gypsy?? How'd you get up there? Crow: What're you doing in Santa's sleigh? Gypsy: Wait! One question at a time! Evidently, we were next on Santa's list after that castle. Pearl visited us, and while she was preparing to steal the tree and ruin our Christmas, I stole the sleigh! Santa Voice: On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! Tom: Wait, that's Santa's voice! But, Santa's right here, passed out at Mike's feet. Gypsy: Well, I needed some help, and found the long-lost "Magic Voice" to perform Santa's Voice. Mike: That's awesome, Gypsy! Hi there, Magic Voice! MV: Hi, Mike, Tom, and Crow! I've missed you guys! Gypsy: Well, I'm off now, Mitchell's house is next. He wants some extra body grease. Ugh. I'll see you guys later, and be sure to tell Mr. Claus that he'll get his sleigh back! [The HexField closes.] Crow: Wow, Gypsy and Magic Voice saved Christmas! Tom: Wait, if Gypsy made off with the sleigh, then that means that Pearl- [Pearl enters.] Pearl: -is still on your satellite. Mike: Ack! NO! Pearl: Actually, I thought I'd hate it up here, until I found this neat Richard Basehart album! But anyway, I'm here to destroy your Christmas, since I can't take over the world! [Pause] Um, so . . . when's dinner? [Pearl disappears in a flash.] Mike: Wow, look, the red light is flashing. Yes, Pearl? [CF] [Pearl is yelling at the Observer. Pearl: -AND NEXT TIME, TELL ME BEFO- oh, Hi Nelson. [To Observer] I'll talk with you later. [To Mike] Well, Nelson, another plan failed tonight. I do hope I managed to do a little to destroy your Christmas Spirit. If I did, please, be sure to fill out the complimentary card I left on the table. On a rather special note, I did find more stories by one of the authors of today's story! More pain awaits you next time! Bwuahahahahaha! [The camera fades to black. Pretend you hear Pearl laughing through the credits.] [Fin] ----- The Original Story by Katherine Goodman and Chad Hilse MiSTed by Roland Warner Please note that I do not have permission from the authors to MiST their story. I e-mailed them, but got no response. If you are one of the authors of this story, I hope I didn't offend you too much, because this was meant in good humor. Not a word has been omitted from this story, because I do not have permission, which is the reason why Mike, Tom, Crow, and Santa had to sit through the whole thing UN-edited. If you have the original story (and I pity you very much), and notice that something has been omitted, please let me know. Many thanks to the proofreaders: Flamingo Kitty (flaming_cat) and Lori Holuta! Merry Christmas everybody, and I hope you managed to stomach as much of this story as I managed to. The idea for the Debby doll/Stormtrooper Mix-up came from a text about Star Wars dolls that were nixed during production for whatever reason. Really funny stuff, you should check it out sometime! "Star Wars" is Copyrighted by Lucasfilm Inc. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. No infringement was intended! Honest. I swear. Really, I do. ----- > I need to get done with this so we can finish wrapping > gifts. She says I'm not allowed to use adult scissors without supervision. > So, Anakin, can I borrow your Crayola scissors? Luke said.