From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 1 of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiptb$u2q$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672231 To: mne...@engin.umich.edu X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:24:59 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Well, it's a little (read: VERY) late, but I've finally prepared my MSTing of David Gonterman's fanfic, "Blood and Metal", for posting to the newsgroups. Note: parts 3, 4, 5, and 6 were too long to post with Deja News, so I split them up into 3a, 3b, and so on. Thus there are actually 13 parts instead of 9. (creepy...) This's for anyone who never checked it out on Web Site Number 9. Enjoy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 1 of 9 This MSTing has been rated: SONIC for the occasional (though by no means common) appearance of one or more Sonic the Hedgehog characters, SELF for its author-representing main character, and PG-13 because of occasional swearing, quite a few insults directed toward David Gonterman (please don't sue), a story so bad gophers could be killed with it, and gratuitous usage of the word "phrack". Note: this fanfic has been crammed into John Berry's Mobian MSTing continuity. To get the backstory, go to the Web Site #9 MiSTing Archive (http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml) and read these MSTings: Tricks of the Trade Orcium Seeing Stars Sonic the Hedgehog: Merry Christmas Vixen in the Labyrinth Holloween Spirits Whew. Enough blathering. On with the deep hurting! [ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 8). ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ Intermission- Satellite of Love. We interrupt a conversation between M&TB, already in progress. ] CROW: And don't forget "waffle". That's a good one. TOM: Yeah, and "France". CROW: Oh, and "Greece". TOM: And "Kazakstan". BOTS: [ giggle ] MIKE: OK, OK, slow down! [ Mike is scribbling on a piece of paper. He notices Cambot. ] Oh, hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson here. We were just talking about words that are fun to say. So far we've got... hm, smock, quark, waffle, France, Greece, and... how do you spell that last one? CROW: I think K-A-Z-A-K-S-T-A-N. MIKE: [ scribble ] Got it. Any more? CROW: Um, "panties"? TOM: [ giggle ] And "butt cheeks"? MIKE: Guys? CROW: [ giggle ] And "boobs"! [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh... TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh huh huh... MIKE: OK, just forget it. [ He throws the paper and pencil down and leaves. ] CROW: Hmph. Tom, write those down, would you? [ Tom looks at Crow. ] Huh? Oh, right. I'll do it. [ Commercial Sign flashes. ] We'll be right back. TOM: Hey! How 'bout "TP"? CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh... [ MST3K planet bumper. Crow and Tom are B&B laughing. Commercials ensue. ] [ INT SOL. Mike is standing behind a big cardboard box. ] CROW: [ From inside box ] C'mon, Mike, please let us out! MIKE: Not until you promise to cut it out. CROW: OK, I promise. Sheesh. MIKE: You too, Tom. TOM: Me too. MIKE: That's better. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ] Oh joy, it's Yippy, Yappy, and Yahooey. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] What do you want? [ Mobius. Pearl is the only one on screen. ] PEARL: Oh, hey, Mike. You remember "Rangers of NIMH" and "Rangers of NIMH 2"? [ SOL ] TOM: Oh no! Don't tell me there's a "Rangers of NIMH 3"!! [ Mobius ] PEARL: Sorry, but no. [ SOL ] ALL: Woohoo! [ Mobius ] PEARL: However, I've got a work by one of the co-authors of those works, good ol' David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman. It's a "Mary Jane" Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic that's exactly like every other Sonic fanfic you've ever been sent, except, in my opinion, it's worse. [ SOL ] MIKE: David "Davey 'Crockett' Kintobor" Gonterman? [ Mobius ] PEARL: You'll see. TOM: [ off-screen ] Hey, where is everyone? PEARL: Oh, some sort of celebration or meeting or some crap at the Power Ring Pool. I'd've gone, but you know me-- I'm hopelessly *anti*social. Well, enjoy a nice serving of fanfic, with DEATH!! [ SOL ] CROW: Oh man, not *another* one! TOM: Where does she *find* these things?! MIKE: foxfire.simplenet.com? [ Crow and Tom turn to look at Mike. ] MIKE: Just a guess. [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] ALL: Aaugh! We got Gonter-Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > [editor's note: CROW: Huh? TOM: What? > This story was originally a web page, but I've edited it > down, CROW: Oh. TOM: Well. > removing all of the HTML tags, and the pictures.] CROW: Oh, I've seen some of Gonterman's artwork, and believe me, I am *thankful*! > > FoxFire Studios TOM: Fox, fox, burning bright, in the forests of the night. > presents MIKE: Is it Christmas already? > > Sonic The Hedgehog MIKE: Sega's only memorable creation. CROW: We'll get flames for that, you know. MIKE: Yeah, but it just had to be said. > Blood and Metal MIKE: Me and you guys! CROW: Hey, yeah! > > A FanFict by David Gonterman CROW: Y'know, I get the feeling he'll become the Stephen Ratliff of Sonic the Hedgehog. MIKE: Crow, please. It hasn't even begun. > > Story Book Edition > With artwork by the author. ALL: Not! > > A greeting message from the Author CROW: Oh, joy. > > A collection of Notes behind the story TOM: Wait, wha? > > Proceed to the Story Pages MIKE: Hang on-- > > Credits TOM: Oh, I see, those used to be hypertext links. CROW: Well, that explains it. MIKE: Thank you for leaving those in, "editor". > > Sonic the Hedgehog (C) CROW: Nintendo. TOM: Atari. MIKE: Sony. > Sega ALL: D'oh! > of America > All rights reserved. Characters used for MIKE: Making a delicious clam chowder. > FanFict purposes only CROW: Oh, yeah, like how else are you going to use them? As Ping-Pong balls? MIKE: Barber poles? > > Blood and Metal (C) 1995-6 David Gonterman. BOTS: And he's welcome to it!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: It's the electric fence! TOM: *Bzzzzt*! > > Greetings BOTS: Bite Us > > Welcome to my first Internet Storybook, the first of many, I hope. BOTS: Noooooooooooooooooooooo... > Just as > long as FTP Space can remain readily available and as long as Copyright > Lawyers and CDA Thought Police are kept at bay. [ pause ] CROW: Go Copyright Lawyers! TOM: Gooo, CDA Thought Police! MIKE: [ to himself ] It's so early for this... > > Blood and Metal is the first FanFict I wrote; shortly after I got into the > Internet via America On-Line. CROW: Crap, an AOLer. This'll suck big time. [ A lightning bolt zaps down from the sky and blasts Crow. ] Yeow! What was that?! MIKE: I think the author uses AOL. TOM: I pity him. CROW: > The people who read BAM loved it extremely; MIKE: [ David ] And that has *nothing* whatsoever to do with the gun that I held to each of their heads. > just as much twoard the manga-style illostrations that I occasionaly TOM: Geez, three spelling errors in one line! Is that a record of some sort? > uploaded. > > I wanted to put Illustrations in my story, but I didn't know how to do it > economically, since I am still a college student. CROW: Oh, dear god, he *is* Ratliff! > That was until I learned > HTML and was able to combine my pictures with my story and put them up on > the World Wide Web for all to see. TOM: And spit upon. > What was produced became the now-defunct > Deluxe Edition. MIKE: Deeeeee-*lux*! [ scribble ] There's a fun word to say. > > I wasn't quite satisfied with the Deluxe Edition. There were errors to be > corrected, graphics that needed fixing. TOM: Dogs that needed fixing. > There were some parts I wanted to > add in and move around, and lastly, I wanted the story to be packaged like a > real book. CROW: [ David ] But I ran out of paper, and I lost my keys, and-- MIKE: [ teacher ] No excuses, young man. Now you get over to that blackboard and write "I will package my story like a real book" 100 times. CROW: [ David ] Yes, teacher. > > This is the result; The Storybook Edition of MIKE: Cinderella, starring Whitney Houston and Brandy Norwood. > Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and > Metal. I invite you to return to the cover and bookmark it, and then return > whenever you feel like it when you want to read a good story. CROW: You won't be able to, of course, but you'll want to. TOM: Apparently, this is some strange usage of the word "good" that I was not previously aware of. > Also feel > free to use the hypertext links to see the many liner notes that show the > background of the story. And basically, I hope you enjoy this as much as I > did creating it. MIKE: Look, guys, can we stop insulting him already? TOM: Oh, all right. > Who knows? Maybe I'll be enticed, er, inspired, to make > more of these. CROW: Hopefully, these comments will "entice" him to STOP!! MIKE: You too. > > David Gonterman > 2037 Delmar, Granite City, IL 62040 CROW: Doesn't he know better than to put his address up on the Web? > (618)-452-9440 > email: dgont...@aol.com > WWW: http://users.aol.com/dgonterman TOM: Y'know, I hear he has a resume on his web page. CROW: [ snicker ] > MIKE: I'm sure you both realize that all of our jokes so far have simply been insults directed toward the author, though I've tried to dissuade you, and that we definitely can do better. TOM: Y'know, you're right. CROW: Whatever. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Cover me. I'm gonna make a dash for it. > > Credits MIKE: Each person, place, or thing listed here bears *some* responsibility for the rapidly approaching "Blood and Metal". CROW: Shouldn't these be at the end? > > Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal > Alpha CROW: Five? TOM: Ay-yi-yi! > Story Arc, Storybook Edition > by David D. Gonterman [dgont...@aol.com] TOM: The extra "D" is for extra DEATH!! MIKE: I bet his middle name's David. CROW: David David Gonterman? TOM: [ chuckle ] > > added material by MIKE: The BeeGees! CROW: Will Smith! > Emily Smith [soni...@aol.com] CROW: Close enough. > and > Alex Weisman [sonic...@aol.com] TOM: Eh, bug off, Weis guy. > > Poem at Six Swatbot Scene CROW: She sells seashells by the six swatbot scene. > From Bubblegum Crisis: Grand Mal #2 > by Dark Horse Comics MIKE: Ah, plagiarism. Fun, fun, fun. > > Poem at Sonic and Tails' Talk TOM: You know, The Talk. > From Ghost Rider 2099 #1 > by Marvel Comics CROW: It's just mahvelous. > > Song at Willow Tree Scene MIKE: The Barney theme. > Unforgiven > from Metallica's self-titled release CROW: Well, what did they title themselves? > > Song at Funeral > See You On The Other Side TOM: Of DEATH!! > from Ozzy Ozborne's release, Ozmosis ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is to laugh. > > Sources, with WWW Addresses, where appliable: > > Web Page Backgrounds > > Cusimano Computer Consultants CROW: Cling to Crow's coolest cliques. > http://walvisbay.terraort TOM: The terraort... the terraort... > .net/cusimano/lib/bkgrnd/fabrylw.htm > > Software Labs > http://www.softwarelabs.com MIKE: I believe that deserves a round of duh. ALL: Duh. > > World Wide Web CROW: Was wanting to win. Waaah! MIKE: You're good at those. CROW: Thanks! > Providers and Access > > America On-Line > http://www.aol.com ALL: Duh! > > Netscape > http://www.netscape.com ALL: Duuuh! > > rat.org > http://rat.org ALL: Duuuuuh! > > Special Thanks to > Paul Lapansee MIKE: Put 'em up, ya La-pansee boy! > [butcher TOM: Yes, it's The Lapansee! With the ability to butcher a story left and right! > @iaw.on.ca] MIKE: Ooo, "iawonca"! [ scribble ] > > Word Processing CROW: Just set the blender for "Vaporize". > > WordPerfect for Windows v6.1, currently a product of Corel TOM: A division of Conglomo(tm) Inc. MIKE: Conglomo? [ scribble ] > http://www.word MIKE: im > perfect.com > > Graphic Editors and Design > > Paint Shop Pro CROW: Painter Dave Amateur. > http://www.jasc.com MIKE: [ scribble ] > > Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop TOM: So they take pictures with pottery? > http://www.abode.com CROW: Oh, I get it, it's a "home" page! See? Home? Abode? > > Shareware Products > > Shareware.Com, a subsiderary of C-Net Online TOM: Conglomo(tm): We Own You. > http://www.shareware.com ALL: Duuuuuuuh! > > Special Thanks to: TOM: The Stupid Citizens and Officials of Rutland, Vermont. > > Southern Illinois University of Edwardsville > http://www.siue.edu BOTS: Sooooo-eeeee! MIKE: [ scribble ] > > Metro Center for Life Management CROW: He needs help tying his shoes, let alone managing his life! > > And all my fans and friends on the Internet. I could list them all, but TOM: [ David ] It'd be injurious to my ego. > it'll take ten megs on the list itself; ALL: [ laugh their heads off in total disbelief ] CROW: Oh, he's listing every person who ever sent him an e-mail or responded to one of his posts in a group or posted to a group he ever read. > it'll be rather boring, MIKE: Well, he got that right. > and some > dork might use the list for some insideous plot. So, I'll just give a big > hearty CROW: Juicy fart. MIKE: Ew! > "Phrackin' ALL: [ snicker loudly ] > A" to all ot you--you know who you are. TOM: And you're ashamed of it. > :-) CROW: >:-P TOM: 8-O MIKE: |-P > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 1 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Well, here we go. CROW: I wish we had some Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. TOM: They'd probably shatter. > > The glass tube slides down around the Roboticizer, with a young human MIKE: Who thinks that's David in there? CROW: Definitely him. TOM: No, he wouldn't roboticize himself so soon. CROW: What if he's just giving himself a robotic add-on like Bunnie? TOM: Hmm. That's possible. Oh, and also-- FANBOY!! MIKE: Come on, not this again! > without a left arm ALL: Ewww! > seated inside. A gas mask giving nitrous oxide is > strapped over his face. TOM: Whoa, like, he's gettin' drugged! > When the tube snaps into place, a heads-up display > gives a readout over the glass: > Subject: Davey Crockett TOM: [ singing ] Davey, Davey Omelette, leader of the *crap* frontier! MIKE: So he's switched from David to Davey? CROW: Better than "His Almighty Supreme Daverino". > Operation: Replace Left Arm CROW: Well, I was right! TOM: Don't get cocky, dork. > Est. Robotization: 12% CROW: One arm is 12% of his body? That doesn't sound quite right. MIKE: Well, that's probably close. TOM: Yeah, but you'd think it'd be less, what with his swelled head. > Ready to Proceed--Press Any Key. TOM: Where's the "any" key?! I CAN'T FIND IT!! > A fox dressed in a military dress TOM: J. Edgar Hoover! > and wearing a crown stands before > Davey, carrying a hand-held touch screen. "It appears that you haven't woke > up from your . . . accident, CROW: [ gangster ] When you slept wit da fishes. > in over a month, Dave," the fox says. "It > appears that you don't want to wake up, do you? MIKE: Hey, y'know, it's amazing how life imitates art, and I want to sleep through this too! > Can't say that I blame you, CROW: Gee, thanks! TOM: Quite a sympathetic fox. MIKE: I don't think he was talking to us. > after what happened with that Piasa Bird. You saved your city, only to be > shot at for thanks! And over something your ancestors did to boot! TOM: I think we missed some backstory here. CROW: Good! The less we have to read, the better! > I can > see why you don't want to return to your world, my friend, but maybe I can > entice you with something more." He gave the Roboticizer the go-ahead. MIKE: [ fox ] I'll roboticize him some delicious pancakes! > Two robot claws sprouted out from above, one was carrying a robotic > left arm, the other clamped down on what's left of the left shoulder. CROW: Ooh, kinky! MIKE: Crow... > Blue lightning courses through Davey's body, causing his eyes and head > to twitch. It was as is he was having a nightmare. CROW: And we is having a nightmare too. What a coincidence that are. > When the claws snapped > the robot arm into place, Davey's eyes snapped open. TOM: Buh-link! > He found himself seated inside a tube that was now rising into the > ceiling. On the outside stood a regally dressed fox. "Welcome back to the > land of the living, Mr. Crockett. MIKE: [ fox ] Hopefully, your visit here will be short, if you know what I mean. > Don't be alarmed. You just got your arm > back, although it's a robotic one. No hard feelings?" > Davey looks to his left. Where a bleeding stump over a grossly removed > left arm was ALL: Ewwww!! > is now a gleaming metal tube, hinged at the middle. At the > shoulder, a grooved ball connects the arm to the shoulder, which has a > grafting of flesh and metal. At the far end was a fully articulate hand. > Davey spent some time trying it out before he gave his verdict: MIKE: [ makes the OK sign ] It stinks! > "Groovy!" > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > The fox introduces himself as King Acorn, TOM: A fox named "Acorn"? Sheesh, there's probably a rabbit around here who goes by "Incisor"! > monarch of a planet known as > Mobius. "You've probably heard of a game called 'Sonic the Hedgehog,' > haven't you, Davey?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Uh... no? > "I've played and beaten all the games, sir. I've even seen the comic > book and both cartoon shows." TOM: Hey, he sounds like you, Crow! CROW: Take that back!! > "Good, then all this will be review for you. Allow me to use your arm > for a moment, please." BOTS: Umm... > King Acorn pushed a few buttons on Davey's robotic forearm and a > holographic projector popped up. BOTS: Phew. > "What you were in when you came to was the original design of the > infamous Roboticizer. It was built by one of our inventors named Charles > Hedgehog for needs like your own: Limb replacements, birth defect removals, CROW: Sex changes... TOM: Species changes, more likely. > medical repairs, and so on. The Roboticizer was celebrated as our greatest > advancement in Mobian science, and it earned Charles his knighthood. But > that was before . . ." MIKE: Bob Barker. > "That was before MIKE: Michael Jackson. > Doctor Ivo Robotnik." > "You're a quick study, young man. I knew Doctor Robotnik before TOM: We started dressing up in girls' clothing. > as > Julian, the captain of our robotic guard, or Swatbots as we call them, until > he staged a military coup over me. He threw me into a dimensional portal to > God knows where-- CROW: [ King Acorn ] Albuquerque, I believe. TOM: [ King Acorn ] There was this gray rabbit... MIKE: [ scribble ] > I eventually ended up in your world--started to turn > Mobius' citizens into robotic slaves with the Roboticizer, make more > pollution in his time as dictator than your entire history put together . . > . well, you know the rest." TOM: [ King Acorn ] Or not. What do I care? > "Including the fact that there is an underground freedom force on your > planet led by your daughter, Princess Sally. That team includes Sonic the > Hedgehog . . ." > "The fastest mammal on two legs and Sega's multimedia starlet. TOM: Hang on, who's talking here? CROW: I think King Acorn. TOM: Well, how the hell does he know anything about Sega?! MIKE: Don't try to apply logic; you'll only make it hurt worse. > I know. > Now you know how I got into your world in general and your life in > particular. Now I'm going to tell you why?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Beats me. I'm not you. > "I was hoping you would. It's not every day someone gets tapped on the > shoulder by a talking fox." ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > "Humph. CROW: [ King Acorn ] Bite me. > I have compiled a package in computer data to my daughter in > Knothole. It contains information vital in her mission to overthrow > Robotnik and restore freedom to my home. TOM: [ King Acorn ] And my recipe for finger sandwiches. > All I need is a messenger to take > it to her. I cannot do this myself, because of the nature of the portal I > came through causes my body to crystallize when I return. MIKE: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah babble babble, blah blah. > I need someone > who is not affected by what I call 'The Void' to go there for me." TOM: [ Davey ] That's nice. Hope you find one. > "And what you found was me. CROW: [ King Acorn ] Well, yeah, you do suck, but you're the best I could find. Pathetic, eh? > Well, it's not that I've got any plans for > the rest of my life, up to the point that I got my left arm back. I'll do > it." > "Good. I was hoping you would." MIKE: Is there an echo in here? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "I have uploaded my letter into a computer terminal encased in your > robotic forearm," King Acorn told Davey, as they stood before a wireframe > pyramid. "It also includes a secret map that will lead you to Knothole, the > village where Princess Sally's freedom fighters reside in. CROW: Geez, he's pretty trusting! Davey could be, like, Robotnik's son or something! > Here, take my > ring. It will let Sally know that it was I who sent you." MIKE: Is there an echo in here? > "Yes, Sir," Davey said as he slipped the ring into his human hand. TOM: The one that he kept on a leash and took for walks every day? MIKE: No. > "However, I must warn you that the void may affect you in the same > manner that affects me; I can take you there, but I cannot guarantee that > you could return to your own." CROW: So he'll be stuck on a planet far from Earth. [ very short pause ] TOM: Go for it, Davey! CROW: Yeah! Deliver that message! > "That's okay, Sir. You can probably guess that I'm not too fond of > this planet. It has advanced technology and some of the people are somewhat > enlightened, and you might consider yourself honored to be able to get over > here. But I ran smack dab into the darker side of humanity and paid for it > out of my own hide." ALL: 5 bucks! > "I'll let you know that I would not allow what happened to you in my > home planet. No matter what your ancestors did long ago, it should not be > that you have to pay for their crimes." TOM: [ King Acorn ] Of course, you'll be paying for writing this fanfic in spades. CROW: Now *that's* a crime. > "True. However, there are some cultures on this planet that are so > caught up in their bitter past that their own rage has blinded them to the > innocence of the children of their ancient tormentors today. MIKE: That was a truly freaky sentence. TOM: I count ten words that begin with T-H. > For them, am I > the face of the world in which they want to live in? A world where every > atrocity is met by another? Where justice and equality is decided by who is > more hate-filled--who is more morally bankrupt-- than the other? TOM: [ Butthead ] Uhh... I dunno. > Your > Majesty, I do not want to be the face of their future." > "I understand, son. Allow me to show you a brighter path than the one > you see before you. Maybe it will be a healing experience to you as well." > King Acorn flipped a switch on the pyramid. CROW: Wait, what pyramid? There's a pyramid? MIKE: They mentioned it after the last dash line. > The pyramid sprang to life with a deafening hum. MIKE: Aah! I'm deafened! TOM: Didn't it know the words? MIKE: What? > A black and white > swirl formed in the middle. "Behold, Davey Crockett, The Void. ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAHH!!! > The gateway > to the planet Mobius. I have programmed this portal to exit as close to > Knothole as possible, but I am not sure about exactly where you'll end up." TOM: Hopefully Robotropolis. > "I understand, King Acorn. I'm ready." Davey shook King Acorn's hand > for one final time. "Good luck, my son, TOM: [ Davey ] King Acorn... you are my father. CROW: [ King Acorn ] NOOOOOOO!!! > and God speed." > With that Davey turned toward the hypnotic swirl and leapt into it. MIKE: I-will-leap-into-the-swirl-it-is-much-better-than-Cats. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 2 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL: Electric Boogaloo! > > The next thing Davey Crockett knew, he was slammed against a metal > wall, knocking his wind out for a moment. Next he heard the thump-thump > thump of MIKE: The audience's heart palpitations. > a toe tapping. He looked up to find a blue hedgehog above him. > "Well?" > Davey recognized him immediately. "You must be Sonic." TOM: [ Groucho Marx ] Or I must be crazy. > "That's who I am, but who on Mobius are you?" > Just then a girl squirrel sped around a corner and into the scene. ALL: Splat!! > "Sonic, who's this guy." CROW: [ Sally ] Is he Question Mark Destroying Man. > "That's what I wanna know, Sal. The void just appeared outta nowhere > and spewed him out. It's gone now, by the way." > "Sal?" Davey asked, "as in Princess Sally Acorn?" CROW: Hey, wait, if she's a squirrel, and her dad's a fox, then WHAT'S GOING ON? > "Yes, I am," the squirrel said. MIKE: Who wants ta know? > "Great. That makes my job that much easier." Davey got up. "My names CROW: [ Davey ] I have 17 names. Wanna hear them all? > Davey Crockett. I bring a message from your father, King Acorn." He holds > up his right hand. > Sally's face lights up when she sees her father's ring. After a > moment, she looked at Davey. "You're coming with us." TOM: I count one, two, three tense changes in those two paragraphs. > "Hey, waitaminute Sally! Look at his left arm--It's MIKE: [ Sonic ] All green and moldy! Yuck! > roboticized!! For > all we know, Ro-butt-nik's found the fountain of youth--" > "HEDGEHOG AND SQUIRREL--PRIORITY TOM: [ robot? ] SEVENTEEN. LET'S GO GET A BEER INSTEAD. > ONE" > Several Swat-Bots entered the scene. CROW: [ yeah, robot ] ALMS, ALMS FOR THE BOTS? > "Wanna bet?" Davey said as he grabbed Sally and booked out of the > corridor while Sonic dived into the Swats. > "Quick, Davey, in here," Sally said, pointing to a storage room. Davey > went in and locked the door behind him. TOM: What about Sonic and Sally? MIKE: Forget them, Davey G's the hero of *this* story! > Sally looked around and found some computer chips that she came to > Robotoplis MIKE: He can't even spell Robotropolis? TOM: Hey, I was right! > for. CROW: [ Sally ] Dah dee dah, [ whistle ] la la la--hey, look! Some computer chips! Uh, just what I was looking for! > ("Robotoplis?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh my god, I can't spell worth beans! > Davey cried as he found out where he was. > "Sire, your aim on your void sucks!") CROW: So, King Acorn misses the toilet when he's voiding himself. MIKE: Crow! Yuck! > Davey found a jetpack to strap to his CROW: [ Beavis ] Thingy. Heh heh heh. > belt and a shotgun. > An English-accented voice came from just outside. "Come on out, > Princess. I know you're in there." It was Snivley, ALL: THAT'S SNIVELY!! > and someone else in a > struggle. "I've got your boyfriend, Sonic, CROW: Sonic has a boyfriend? > and now I've come for you." > Suddenly, the door blew away, smashing into the Swat that was holding > Sonic, removing the arm with the hedgehog. Five seconds later, Snively got > a good look at a gun toting Davey Crockett. MIKE: That's a crock of crap. > "What about me, Dipstick?" TOM: [ Snively ] I can't kill him! He's a personification of the author! > Davey fired on the remaining Swats, downing them all in a barrage of robot > body parts and motor oil in so many seconds. Before anyone knew it, the > hallway was littered with mechanical limbs and sparking wires, and the walls > got a fresh coat of crude. BOTS: AAAAAAUGH!! MIKE: Um... there, there. > Sally got out of the shock of the sudden storm of violence to go to > Sonic. "I can't believe you got caught." > "Sally, Snively's got a robot version of myself! He's just as fast as > I am!" CROW: Why's he surprised? They met in Sonic CD! TOM: [ murmured ] fanboy. > "Correct you are, hedgehog! Mecha Sonic, Get those three!" > "As you wish boss," said a mechanic version of Sonic's voice TOM: A voice with a visible butt crack? MIKE: That's plumbers, not mechanics. > from the > darkness, large red and black eyes glowed ominously. > "Let's get outta here!" Sally cried as she and Sonic sped away--at an > equally high speed! CROW: Seven. MIKE: Seven what? CROW: Just seven. > Davey followed the best he can with his jetpacks. > "Princess, how in the heck can you run this fast?" > "It's a long story. I'd tell you, but right now isn't the time. And > Davey, please, call me TOM: [ Sally ] Fat. It helps me stick to my New Year's resolution. > 'Sally'." > "All right, Sally. Let's get you back to Knothole so we can swap some > files, Okay?" MIKE: [ Dave ] And then we can have a slumber party! We'll invite Shirley, and Mary, and we'll eat bon-bons. > The trio screeched to a stop just outside the building fifty Swats > encircled around them. TOM: Ack! Does that sentence need a period, a period and a comma, or a comma and a period? MIKE: Multiple choice! CROW: Ah yes, it's Fill-In-the-Punctuation-Blank. > "I've got the back," Davey shouted. "Can you two > handle them?" > "No sweat, Davey Crockett," Sonic replied. "C'mon, Sal, it's double > ring time!" BOTS: Wonder Twin powers, activate! > Davey stood straight arrow in front of the dark corridor, aiming his > shotgun directly at the red eyes rapidly approaching. TOM: Hey, he must be in that one Earthworm Jim level. Remember that? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: [ nod ] > "All right, pal, > what's on your mind?" TOM: [ Brak ] I like cheese. How many times does 17 go into 945? I need some Visine. Why is the sky brown? Do they ever sell pu-pu-pu-pu platters? My feet hurt. Is that a fish I smell? I like lemons. Hey, is that Elvis? MIKE: [ Space Ghost ] Are you finished? > Sonic and Sally held up the power ring, which makes them and the ground > around them glow golden fire. "I d-d-don't t-t-think I-I-I c-c-can get used > t-t-to t-t-this, Sonic-c-c . . . " TOM: [ low voice ] We've replaced Sonic's girlfriend with Porky Pig... let's see if he notices a difference. > "Don't worry Sal, it took me six months to get used to power rings. > You've only been jucin' MIKE: This fanfic was *not* brought to you by the letter I. > for two whole weeks . . . Get ready . . . "Sonic's > voice was drowned by the glow going nova. CROW: Uh, his voice was drowned out by bright light? > It brightly illuminated Davey's > current target before he got into point-blank range. Mecha Sonic looks > exactly like Sonic would look roboticized, Davey thought, and then he pulled > the trigger. Mecha Sonic was thrown back into the dark hallway almost as > fast as he came in. TOM: [ totally unexpectedly ] SILLY BREAK!! > That was the rifle's last CROW: Sausage! > round, so Davey TOM: Blew his nose on it! > threw it at the next MIKE: Spice girl! > Swat he CROW: Stuck up his nose! > saw; this one was riding a TOM: Gigantic frog! > hover cycle. He MIKE: Fell down and hurt himself! > jacked the CROW: Apple tree! > bike, grabbed another TOM: Nose! > gun from the next nearest MIKE: Miss America! > Swat and charged ALL: SO TAKE AWAY HIS CREDIT CARD!! > into the CROW: Wall! > fray Sonic and Sally was ALL: [ snicker ] > in. Robots were still TOM: Purple! > flying everywhere, although MIKE: I didn't care! > the flying oilshed was at CROW: France! > a minimum, until he started TOM: Spitting up! > shooting at MIKE: His pants! > the poor robots who got too close. TOM: OK, silly break's over. > "Anyone around here needs a ride outta here?" TOM: Hey, I said the silly break was over! MIKE: Now that was an action scene worthy of Marrissa Flores Picard. > "I do!" Sally cried as she hopped on, her boots were smoking. MIKE: Won't they ever kick the habit? [ chuckle ] > "You all right?" > "OwOwOw! Hot Feet! CROW: [ Davey ] Perhaps the flaming torch wasn't subtle enough. > How can Sonic handle it?" > "Must be the shoes, I guess?" MIKE: Air Hedgehogs. CROW: That's where the question mark from Sally's question went. > Sally slaps herself. TOM: [ Sally ] Fresh! > "Arrgh! I just remembered, I've got new boots at > Minoc Grove! I should've waited." ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > "Hard to wait when you're up to your eyeballs in Swats." David shoots > down another. BOTS: [ sob ] > "Or in Swat parts. Just remember to watch your aim on that thing, you > could hit a friend of mine." > Davey slaps himself. TOM: [ Davey ] Fresh! MIKE: [ singing ] Oh yeah, oh yeah, whole lotta slapping goin' on! > "Oh crud, I forgot! Some of these 'bots is ALL: [ snicker ] > actually roboticized Mobians!" > "No, not here. This is a Swatbot factory. You'll know a Worker Bot > when you see one; they'll look so cute you'll like to hug one." > "I'll stick with fur, thank you. So, make a personal note: Don't go, CROW: No, please *do* go! > 'Kill 'em all, let Robotnik sort them out!'" > "C'mon," Sonic stopped just enough to say, "Let's go!" > Davey did a hoverbike's version of TOM: "Some stupid maneuver". > a peel-out and sped towards the main > gate leading outside. It was closed tight and had several Swats standing > guard. > "Sonic, the ring--PASS IT!" Sonic threw it like a frisbee without > thinking beforehand, as usual. TOM: So Sonic is a moron? MIKE: Of course. He can't compare to the all powerful Davey. > When Davey caught it, he accelerated full > throttle on a collision course toward that gate. > "Davey, you don't have to do this to impress me." CROW: Into bondage? MIKE: Crow! > "All I'm asking, Princess, is if you got any fingers left, I suggest > you close them." > "Oh, boy." Sally grabbed on tight to Davey's pants. CROW: Ewww, even I don't like that line. > At this point, Sonic's brain caught up with the rest of him. "Hey! > That ring won't work on you!" > Davey leaned over the bars and held the power ring forward. It sparked > to life, shooting star-fire toward the gate like a roman candle. TOM: Isn't "Roman" capitalized? CROW: Why ask why? > "Never mind." > The main gate exploded by the blasts, blowing shards of steel into the > Swats guarding it. They could only twitch and bleed oil BOTS: [ sob, choke ] > as they got a good > look at the newest and by far the deadliest Freedom Fighter ALL: [ snort derisively ] > rode past, only > pausing enough to splatter one more into oblivion. > BOTS: [ sob ] MIKE: Hey, guys, don't be so sad. How about we go get some ice cream? BOTS: Yaaaay!! MIKE: That's the spirit. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 1 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 2 of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq0d$ubr$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672241 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:26:37 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 2 of 9 [ INT SOL. Everyone's lined up across the counter, eating ice cream. There are two weird looking gadgets on the counter, one in front of Tom and Gypsy. ] GYPSY: Mmm. Thanks, Mike. CROW: Yeah, this was a great idea. TOM: Nothing like a little ice cream every so often. MIKE: Sure thing. TOM: And this ice-cream-spoon-server-thingy-invention is great! [ He pokes the gadget with his beak. It creaks and deposits some ice cream in said beak. ] MIKE: Yeah, I modified some plans the other guy left lying around. CROW: So, Mike, what do you think'll happen with the fanfic? MIKE: Well, I expect he'll fall in love with one of the locals. TOM: Then, he'll get turned into some sort of furry creature. MIKE: Right. Next, he'll destroy a bunch of robots-- BOTS: ACK! MIKE: Sorry. And he'll gain even more power than before and live happily ever after with his girlfriend. GYPSY: Makes fanfic sense, I guess. MIKE: At least until the sequel. BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MIKE: Oops. [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: Ah, great, we've got Davey Sign!! TOM: My Mint Chocolate Chip! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 3 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Oh mah stars, is this guy the biggest hunk yawl ever seen?" ALL: No. > Bunnie > Rabbot cried as she snuggled up to Davey's right leg. She only went up to > his thigh, but then she expanded her robot legs and got into his chest. > "And looky here, this one's got some fur! Oh, Sally Girl, grab a limb, > there's enough man here for all of Knothole!" ALL: Ewwwww! > "He ess big, all right," Antoine DeCollette answered, then noticed the > left arm. TOM: [ Antoine ] It's all green and moldy! Yuk! > "Ess CROW: Aitch Eye-- MIKE: Don't finish. > eet moi, or did Robotnik found ze Fountain of Youth?" > "He's definitely not Ro-Butt-Nik, Twain. MIKE: Anyone attempting to find a plot will have a lot of work ahead of him or her. > You should've seen how he > trashes Swats! And I do mean Trash!!!! We are talking MA-17 mode here! > Oil and wires and chips flying all around him! Robot corpses lying at his > wake! See that tube in his mouth? He ripped it out of a Crabmeat with his > own teeth!" TOM: Wah! Wah! CROW: I wanna go home! MIKE: Look, Crow, Tom, you two head out and finish your ice cream with Gypsy, OK? Take a longer break. I'll hold up the fort here. TOM: [ sniffle ] Thanks. [ Crow carefully carries Tom out of the theater. ] > "He did not, Sonic!" > "Hey Sal, I'm on a roll here! Where did King Acorn found him? MIKE: I don't know where King Acorn find him. > Psychos'R'Us?" MIKE: We create total loonies and pass the savings on to YOU! > "Sonic . . . MIKE: [ Sally ] Your shoes are on the wrong feet. > . . . I > would like to introduce Davey Crockett. He's a messenger sent by my father. > I think that message is in your MIKE: [ Sally ] Pants. [ pause ] Oh, great. Crow's rubbing off on me. > robot arm." > "Okay." Davey said, held his arm up, MIKE: And put his other hand on that arm. > and pressed a button. The > holographic projector sprang up. > King Acorn appeared in mid-air: MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, lick me. > "Hello Sally, it's good to get to speak to you again. A lot has > happened since I was able to temporary return to you. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] I think I left behind my ability to use grammar. > I have made several > discoveries to aid us in our battle against Robotnik. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] A delicious figgy pudding. > The ability to send > Davey here is one. It is one step closer to me being able to return to > Mobius for good. I have copied all of my findings in a CD-ROM, which you > will find in Davey's robot shoulder. a CD-ROM slid out of that > spot, ripping through the shirt. MIKE: Riiiiiiiiippp!! > Rotor took the disk. MIKE: [ Rotor ] Gimme it! I wannit! > > It also contains > several design files and computer programs from Davey's world. I assure > you, they will be quite useful. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] You can sort your comic book collection with this one program over here. > My daughter, there is not a day that passes > by without me thinking of you. As much as I wish to return home, I had to > settle to sending Davey in my place, and he I give to you. MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, thanks a *lot*, Dad. > Good bye, Sally. > I love you always." > > The hologram ends, the lights turn back on, and Sally was found crying > on Davey's shoulder. MIKE: [ monotone ] Oh the emotion of it all I am swept by the amazing and yet delicate prose thank you Davey for this fanfic. > After a moment, when she dried her eyes, she looked at > him and thanked him for what he did. MIKE: [ Sally ] Thank you for making me cry. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "So Sal, what are you going to do with the psycho, er. MIKE: What the heck is a "psycho er"? > I mean Davey," > Sonic asked while munching on a chili dog. MIKE: [ Sonic ] Mrrmphrrfwmmgrmfnd. [ Sally ] What? > "I dunno, Sonic. I thought about returning him to his home, but not > only don't I know how, MIKE: Woohoo! > but I'm afraid that the crystallization that almost > killed Daddy might strike him as well." > "In other worlds, he's stuck here." MIKE: Woohoo times two! > "I'm afraid so. Rotor, what would you find about that left arm of > his?" MIKE: [ Rotor ] Well, stuff, probably. > "Nothing but incredible, Sally! Davey's robot arm is, in essence, a > souped-up Nicole, but he has on-line satellite access and a data wire that > gives him direct access into any computer on Mobius. If you believe in > 'Knowledge is Power' . . . " MIKE: Then the author must be really wimpy? > "Then Davey Crockett could be the most powerful Freedom Fighter on > Mobius! Man, we've got to keep him! Besides, he followed us here." MIKE: [ Sonic ] Can we keep him? [ pause ] It doesn't really work when that's what the author intended. > "Yeah, right, but I wonder how he'll fit in here. He does look like a > young Robotnik." > "Sal, Sal, Sal. MIKE: [ Sonic ] How can you be so stupid? So idiotic? So-- [ Sally ] Hey! > Ro-Butt-Nik would not play Terminator with the Swats. > Imagine what he'll do against Tubby himself when he gets back. His check is MIKE: Bounced? > definitely good here. By the way, where is he?" MIKE: [ Sally ] Um, he had to, you know, go. > "When I saw him leave the hut, I think he was heading for the ring > lake. I'll go see if I can find a place for him to crash in." Rotor > leaves. MIKE: Was Rotor in the room? I didn't notice. > "So, Sonic. Do you think Robotnik'll return?" > "Haven't a clue, MIKE: Hey, what's new? > but I do doubt that he's gone for good." MIKE: [ Sonic ] Bad guys always come back. It's in the Villain Rulebook. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Crow and Tom come back into the theater. Crow has an ice cream cone. ] CROW: We're back and feeling great! TOM: That extra time off really helped. I don't care if Davey kills a million robots now! MIKE: That's the spirit! It's just a fanfic. We know none of this actually happened. CROW: Right. MIKE: Did anything happen while I was in here? TOM: Pearl was ranting about some red fox character she met. MIKE: Hm. CROW: Here. I brought you some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. MIKE: Thanks. [ He takes the cone from Crow. ] > > Three full moons reflect their light into the lake. A flat stone skips > the length, breaking the mirror-like reflection with its ever-increasing > circles. A second was thrown, then a third. Several more flew away from > the human arm of a Dimensionally Displaced MIKE: Mattress named Zem. > , and very homesick, CROW: "Sick". Let's just stick with that word. > Davey > Crockett. When he ran out of stones to throw, he looked up at the multitude > of stars above him. TOM: Wait, those are the rocks that he threw. MIKE, CROW: [ cartoon falling whistle ] > One of these specks may be my home planet, Davey said to himself, not > realizing that he was being watched by someone in the woods. I wonder > what's going on out there right now. Do they know that I'm gone? Do they > care? TOM: Wha? CROW: Gah? MIKE: I think he's thinking to himself. There's no italics here; it's just text. > And what of the fox that scraped me off CROW: The middle of the highway. > that dark alley, replaced my > lost arm with this cyborg one, and sent me here? I pray that he comes here > soon. I pray for his safety in general. Planet Earth ain't the paridice TOM: Or three dice, for that matter. > God created. MIKE: What if you pick the wrong religion? Every day you're just making God madder and madder. > I'd rather call it a hell-hole. He flops on a nearby log MIKE: OK, I don't think he's thinking anymore. > and > raises his voice a little. TOM: You mean his thinking voice, or his brain voice, or something. CROW: You're making an unfair assumption. TOM: What's that? CROW: The assumption that Davey has a brain. > Well, your majesty. I sent your letter to your > daughter. MIKE: Um, now, he's... thinking again. > What the hell am I supposed to do now? He taps some keys on his MIKE: Electric keyboard! Righteous tune, dude! TOM: Rockin'! CROW: BWAAAAARRR!!! > left arm, and some new age music from an earthling artist named Enya MIKE: [ Bowyer ] Play music I will! Listen to it you must, Enya! > played > from it. > He hears someone coming near from the darkness of the forest. He > looked towards the noise, and sees a small fox with two tails. TOM: Could that be "Tails", perhaps? MIKE: You never know. Everyone and their cousin has a Mobian personification, and a surprising amount is related to one of the main characters. CROW: Yeah. This could be maybe Matthew Prower. > "Hi there, > kit," Davey told him, holding out his hand as he would to a puppy in his > world. "You friendly? I won't bite." CROW: Oh, he bites, all right. > The fox approached, hesitantly at > first, sniffing him out. That robot left arm and the red color of his eyes > does give Davey "the Robotnik look," MIKE: Hey, I thought only women had The Look. > but his friendly smile and King Acorn's > ring on the right ring finger dispels the fox's fears. He must've been in > the Roboticizer and Sonic rescued him just a wee bit late, the fox reasoned > to himself. CROW: Yeah, rationalize, that's the ticket! > Maybe I should make him feel at home. He does look lonely. By > this time, the fox is close enough to be petted by the human's right hand, > causing his twin brushes to wag. > "I bet everybody calls you 'Tails,' don't they?" TOM: [ Tails ] Nah, they call me Elliot. > "Yessir." > "Hey, call me Davey, please. Save the formalities for royalty like King > Acorn, the Princess, or that french dude that's here." MIKE: Pierre Escargot! CROW: Plais retenir vos depuis mon radiateur: please keep your hands from my radiator! Ha ha, ha, ha ha ha! TOM: You know French? CROW: I bought a book on learning French around 2215. > "You must mean Antoine. He can be funny sometimes." > "I reckon you'd be too when eating hedgehog backwash." > Tails giggles hard enough to fall back on his tails. > The duo was joined by a pink girl hedgehog. Tails introduces her as TOM: Oh, great, three different tenses in a row. "Giggles", "was joined", "introduces". > Amy Rose. "You must be Davey Crockett the guy King Acorn sent here to > deliver a message to Princess Sally and looks like Ro-Butt-Nik's found the > fountain of youth and return to give us all h-e-double-hockey-sticks." > "I sense a trend here." TOM: The suckiness trend? CROW: And in other news, the level of crap on Mobius has dangerously risen ever since a human calling himself "Davey Crockett" arrived. > "Uh maybe I shouldn't tell you about the rumor that you're a psycho because > you like to shoot holes into Swatbots and watch them bleed 10W40 all over?" BOTS: [ nothing ] MIKE: Guys? You okay? CROW: Yeah, Mike. TOM: Fine. > Davey jokingly mocked menace: "Looks like a certain blue hedgehog's gonna > lose some of his rings a punch at a time." > "I'd pay good money to see you try it." CROW: I'd pay better money to see him lose. > "Yeah Davey, Sonic's not the leader of the Freedom Fighters for nothing." > "Yeah, I know--wait a minute. What's that in the water?" Tails ran > toward a dock into the lake. A golden glow is forming in the water. > "Alright! Another power ring is coming. Come over here and see this, > Davey. It's gonna be cool!" TOM: [ Davey ] Will it increase my chances of taking over the world? MIKE: [ Tails ] Uh, maybe. TOM: [ Davey ] In that case, let's go! > Davey stood at the edge of the dock and looked straight down into the > glow. CROW: [ Davey ] Ow! I'm blind! > A bright white circle formed within the glow and approached. The > world turned to black on gold as the power ring broke the water. TOM: Snap! MIKE: That was pointless. > "Way past > cool, ain't it?" Tails asked. Davey could only stand in awe ALL: Awwwwwww... > as the power > ring hovered in front of him. Slowly, he reached out to touch it. Again, > the glow went nova. CROW: Wow. > Tails had to cover his eyes to avoid being blinded. He > cried out to Sonic, but he couldn't hear his own voice. MIKE: What? > When the glow > finally subsided, CROW: So, once again, when something glows, that means you can't hear anything? > he saw that everyone in Knothole has heard him, but they > were all staring at the dock that Davey was at. TOM: Oh, now this is the epitome of crappy grammar! He changed tense TWICE in ONE SENTENCE!! MIKE: Tom, calm dowm. It's not that bad. > Tails turned around toward > the human. > He saw a red fox holding the power ring and wearing the human's cap, he > recognized it as Davey's because of the racoon tail attached on the back. > "Way past cool! MIKE: OK, recognizable catchphrase; that's Sonic talking. > The power ring's changed him into a fox!" > "Oh mah stars, MIKE: Southern accent; Bunnie speaking. > he just keeps gettin cuter every time I see him." ALL: Ri-i-ight. > "This is great, MIKE: Hmm. I don't know, maybe Tails. > now he can pass CROW: Gas. > as one of us." > "Maybe I can geet MIKE: Crummy French accent, that's Antoine. > a power ring and be as tall as him, yes?" TOM: No. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Fellow Freedom Fighters," Sally said in the evening campfire. "Today > another Freedom Fighter has joined our ranks. A hero sent by my father to > help us bring victory in our fight for freedom. CROW: [ Sally ] Join me in giving the finger to my father. > Hopefully, we will treat > him a lot better than how he was treated in his home world. Everyone, I > give you, Davey Crockett." > "Davey stood up and tipped his hat to a round of applause. CROW: Who's talking? TOM: Hm, applause, that must mean he's giving a farewell speech. > "H-Hi. I MIKE: [ Dave ] Am spontaneously channeling the spirit of Porky Pig. > would like to thank everyone, especially the Royal Family of Acorn, for > having me. Er, Sally, you want this ring on my finger?" > "Keep it." MIKE: [ Sally ] It's got poison needles in, er, I mean, I'm allergic to gold. > "It's from your father." > "Keep it." CROW: Oh, great, Sally's needle's stuck. TOM: Maybe that'll fix it. > "It could be all you'd see from King Acorn for a while." > "Keep it. TOM: Guess not. > I want you to give it to him when he returns." > "Okay, then. Hey, Hey, Hey, what are you people, > the Freedom Fighters or a picture I drew? MIKE: No!! Please not a picture he drew! > Let's hear a 'To A Free Mobius' > out there!!!!" CROW: Wow. Four exclamation points. TOM: The best I've ever managed was three. > Cue a round of hooping and hollering from everyone as they welcomed him > in. MIKE: --to the snake pit. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: [ suave ] I do look dashing, don't I? > > Later into the night, Sally walked by the campfire to find Davey > singing some song that she haven't heard to the tune of something she > recognized. BOTS: The hell? > Apparently the notes being played matched too much with a song > from his planet: > > On a dark desert highway > Cool wind in my hair MIKE: Where'd I put my comb? > Warm smell of colitas > Rising up through the air TOM: Oops. 'scuse me. > Up ahead in the distance > I saw a shimmering light CROW: OK, who lit a match? MIKE: > My head grew CROW: Rather swelled. > heavy, and my sight grew dim TOM: It's these blasted Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. > I had to stop for the night MIKE: Because I had to... well, ya know... go. > There she stood in the doorway > I heard the mission bell CROW: Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to KILL DAVEY!! MIKE, TOM: We accept! > And I was thinking to myself > This could be Heaven or this could be Hell ALL: It's Hell. > Then she lit up a candle MIKE: > And she showed me the way TOM: Right over there. Ignore the giant fire-breathing dragon, he's, uh, domesticated. > There were voices down the corridor > I thought I heard them say MIKE: [ voice ] David... I am your-- CROW: We already did one of those. MIKE: Oh yeah. > > Welcome to the Hotel California MIKE: Da da da da da da da da. > Such a lovely place > Such a lovely place CROW: Echo! MIKE: Echo! > Such a lovely face TOM: And whose face would *that* be? > Plenty of room at the Hotel California MIKE: Da da da da da da da da. > Any time of year > Any time of year CROW: Echo! MIKE: Echo! > You can find it here > You can find it here CROW: Science! MIKE: Rules! CROW: Huh? > > She smiled one more time for the night CROW: So David Gonterman equals Ryan Huber plus Stephen Ratliff? TOM: I guess. > and retired to her hut. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 4 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: We smile no more. > > The unearthly sound of Davey Crockett throwing up ALL: Ewww! > greeted knothole > village the morning after the night he arrived. It came from Sonia > Hedgehog's hut, who drew the short straw to find out with who he'll sleep > with ALL: Eewwwww!! > until he got his own hut. Sasha Prower, a healer-slash-mage and Tail's > cousin, and Rosie, the grandmothery nanny of Knothole, were headed there. > "It sounded like Davey, Rosie," Sasha said. "Either Sonia's playing too > rough with the guy . . ." ALL: Eeewwwwwww!!! > "Or th' last twenty-four hours hav' caught up t' th' poor lad. Ye > remember, Sasha. Davey's been fed into th' Roboticizer, chucked through th' > Void, and had his species changed. CROW: At least it wasn't a sex change. That'd be *really* painful. > An' all in th' same day . . ." > " . . .why, no, Davey. I don't exactly envy you right about now," Sonia > said to the human-turned-fox CROW: Yeah, like we need a reminder. > who was vomiting for the fifth time into the > john. ALL: Eeeewwwyuck!!! [ Everyone ducks down and hides under the chairs. ] > "Maybe giving you that chili dog late night snack wasn't a good idea. > Hope you're no mad. . ." > "Wuz that ya said? Ah's buzy . . ." > "Buzy puking your guts out, I see. I wouldn't be surprised if your > biochip fell outta your mouth." > "Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that's an image burned int' memory fo' th' rest o' th' > day. Ha-Ha--HARRUGGH!" > He hacked three more times into the toilet, but nothing came up. "I'm > afraid you are on empty, Big Guy." "Aw, crud. It's harder t' tell the ol' > gag reflex to quit it when there's nothing left to puke." CROW: Go see if it's done yet. [ Mike gets up from under the chair. ] > "Ach," said an incoming Rosie MIKE: Incoming!! [ He ducks back down. ] > , "Look at ye, Crockett. Ye look like > roadkill." > "So that's what ah fell like?" > "C'mon," interjected Sasha, "Let's get you back to bed." > Davey managed to flush the toilet and lower the seat ("That was awfully > nice o' him.") before he collapsed on his bed, actually, it was a cot that > didn't compensate for the extra foot of legs that Davey left sagged on the > floor. [ Mike peeks up above the chair. ] MIKE: The coast is clear, fellas. > Sasha set her hands on the tall fox and both started to glow. "It's not > really bad, TOM: When did this moron attend college? When you're puking, it's not exactly a good thing. > it's probably a rough day catching up with him. I especially > sense the stress between his roboticized shoulder and . . . his . . ." CROW: [ Sasha ] Elf. > She gasped. TOM: [ Sasha ] I left the oven on! > Her eyes dilated. Her fur turned white. "What's wrong > Sasha? You look as if you seen a . . ." > Sasha managed to lift the lid of the porcelain altar before adding her > offering to Davey's. MIKE: Speeeeew! CROW: Literally. > "His . . . His arm . . . Oh, God." CROW: [ God ] Yes? > "What is it, Lass? TOM: Oh, there's a typo. MIKE: You mean the capitalized L? TOM: No, I mean the extra L. > What's wrong?" > "I-I just saw his left arm. It was BOTS: Green and moldy? > chopped off--NO! MIKE: [ Sasha ] It WASN'T! > It was SHOT off! > It's lying in a pool of Davey's own blood. Hand . . . twitching . . . MIKE: Spew and a half! > crying out for mercy . . . But, was only greeted . . . with blood . . . and > metal." CROW: And we have title, ladies and gentlemen! > "Oh my. Y'mean his arm wasn't roboticized!?!?" > "No, Sonia. It was removed." ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! TOM: Hey, he should be thankful he still has working arms! My arms don't even work at all!! CROW: And you've got nothin' to complain about either, Tom. Coconut Monkey doesn't even *have* arms! MIKE: [ CM ] Hello, I am Coconut Monkey. Welcome to my island paradise. I would point out the many interesting sights to you, but sadly, I have no hands. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Removed, you say," TOM: By Jove! > Sally asked as she arrived into the hut. "That was > one of the original uses of the Roboticizer, until Robotnik got his hands on > it, of course. Will the poor dear be all right?" MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, and Davey, too. > Sasha was still gasping for breath. "That depends on what you mean my > 'all right!'" > Sally couldn't find anything about Davey from Nicole, CROW: Other than the obvious, "he's a moron", "a crappy fanfic author", that sort of thing. > so she wanted to > link up to his computer for an update. TOM: [ Sally ] Oh, that Dilbert. Hee hee hee. > She also wanted to catch him up to > speed on Mobian current events, especially the parts about Robotnik leaving > the planet for the time being, CROW: Wha-huh? MIKE: He's going to go pick up some McNuggets. > and Sally having speed granted to her by the > Deep MIKE: Thirteen! > Power Stones. TOM: Su-u-ure. > She also found out why Davey's arm was shot off, as > another hologram from King Acorn appeared: ALL: Poof. > "I hope you're not viewing this file in front of all of Knothole, > Sally. This concerns something that Davey here would like to forget: The > political strife where he lost his arm. MIKE: Lousy Democrats. CROW: You got Democrat in my Republicans! TOM: You got Republican in my Democrats! > It would appear that there were a faction of Davey's ancestors that > behaved much like Dr. Robotnik, for they CROW: [ King Acorn ] Drank WD-40 and pigged out on donuts all day. > captured a certain sub-race of > their own species as slaves. Some of the descendants of these slaves, MIKE: Wanted nachos. > although granted their MIKE: Stupid nachos. > freedom almost a century ago, thought themselves fit > to demand MIKE: Even *more* nachos! Can you believe it? > reparation for their captors' sins on their children. One of > those such people shot Davey's arm off." TOM: Fweeeeeee-ratatatatatata-kaBOOOOM!!! > ("I swear, I would never consider to do such a thing . . . unless > o'couse to a robot." BOTS: Booooooo! > "Was that before you became one, Sonia?" > "I'll pretend I didn't heard that, Sasha.") CROW: [ Sonia ] Just jump up my butt, Sasha. > "I suspect that you would feel, as I did, very sorrowful over the > whole ordeal, especially for how it left Davey. CROW: Right. > It is a situation where > acts of injustice and intolerance is only met by another, and ages-old > hostilities are prepeturated ALL: "Prepeturated"?! > over the generations. MIKE: "Star Trek: Generations"? TOM: Eh, too obvious. > Davey Crockett would > rather be dead than live in that world, and for a while, he was, until I > brought him back to life with Sir Charles' ALL: [ snicker ] > toy. I will not blame him at all > if he doesn't want to return to his home planet. . . " MIKE: So, should we be categorizing this under "fanfic" or "rantfic"? BOTS: "Rantfic". > > "The feeling is mutual, Daddy. Why would they make you answer for your > ancestor's sins, Davey? TOM: [ Davey ] Why not? > I's just not fair." CROW: [ snicker ] [ hillbilly ] Ja, I's just not no fair at all. > "Yeah, if I want equality between different species, I wouldn't go and > shoot off someone's limbs--" MIKE: [ whoever the heck is talking ] I'd slice them off with a chainsaw! > "DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!" MIKE: Geez, sorr-ee! > "Sorry, Sasha." "My, Sasha, that psionic backlash must've spooked you, > didn't you?" TOM: Now spooked, the herd stampedes. > "Like you wouldn't know," CROW: Oh, so we do know, do we? > she sobbed as she hung her head over her > patient. "You wouldn't know CROW: Wait, you just said we do, didn't you? TOM: My head hurts. > how much pain that tragedy causes him." Tears > ran down her eyes. ALL: [ tears ] Weeeee! > "You wouldn't know how much it will return to haunt him. > . . " > "Aw, Davey," Sonia cried as she huddled by her new-found friend. "Why > did they, whoever they are, do this to you? Are you doomed to become > someone like Robotnik?" She felt a cold nose press up against her hot > cheek. MIKE: [ Sonia ] Eek! > She opened her eyes to find Davey slurping her tears off with his > tongue." MIKE: [ Sonia ] Fresh! TOM: I'm gonna add *my* offering to Sasha's and David's. CROW: Who's talking now? > "Will you look at that? Davey, you're too much." > "He's supposed t' be th' one who's cryin', and here he is, drying our > eyes. I tell you, Sally, this guy's a prince." TOM: Does he dress in purple? MIKE: Did he change his name to a symbol? CROW: Yeah, *$&@#$!, the crap formerly known as Davey. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Sasha gave Davey something that resembled Alka-Seltzer MIKE: Speedy! Noo! > for his stomach TOM: As opposed to what, for his pancreas? CROW: For his bladder? MIKE: For his brain? ALL: Nah. > and let him rest for a couple hours. After the nap, he found Sally still > has TOM: OK, that's the second sentence I've noticed so far containing more than one tense. CROW: You're going to start counting? > Nicole connected to his arm by a wire housed under his wrist. Davey > calls it his "Data Spear," because it reminds him of MIKE: A data spear. Duh. > Scorpion's projectile > in 'Mortal Kombat.' > > CYBORG PRIME DIRECTIVES: > 1) DELIVER MESSAGE TO PRINCESS SALLY CROW: Check. > 2) ASSIST FREEDOM FIGHTERS TOM: BY COMMITTING SUICIDE > 3) DESTROY ROBOTNIK BY WHATEVER MEANS DEEMED MIKE: [ scribble ] > NECESSARY > 4) LIVE ALL: Ha ha ha. It is to laugh. > > "I like that fourth one, Nicole. TOM: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, fun. > Continue." > BIOCHIP GENERATES A HEADS-UP DISPLAY DIRECTLY GRAFTED IN HIS EYES, WHICH > GIVES THEM THEIR RED COLOR AND OCCASIONAL GLOW. . . EXCUSE ME, SALLY, BUT I > BELIEVE THAT MR. CROCKETT IS "BACK ON-LINE," SHOULD I SAY. CROW: No, you should NOT!! > > "'Back on-line?' But what. . . > Oh! Hi, there. Don't mind me. . . " > "Surfing my forearm, Princess?" > Sally giggles, MIKE: [ Sally ] Tee hee hee... oh, you make me feel just like a schoolgirl! > half out of embarrassment CROW: Was she blushing? TOM: Hard to tell. > and half out of Davey's > cyberpunk-talk. She'd never expect someone who wasn't 100% roboticized to > talk that way, but she figured that they always talked like that on his > planet. TOM: Only the dweebs. > "I'm just trying to figure out what your arm can do, other than act > like a built-in Nicole, that is." > "Humm. I wonder if your father bothered to give me some docs for this > thing." TOM: Doc Robinson? CROW: Doc Johnson? > EXCUSE ME, MR. CROCKETT, BUT I'VE MIKE: [ Nicole ] JUST LET ONE. > DETECTED A COMPLETE SET OF USER HELP > FILES ARCHIVED IN YOUR HARD DRIVE. DECOMPRESSING THEM SHOULD TRANSFER THEM > DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN. CROW: [ Nicole ] THEY'RE A TOTAL OF 47 GIGABYTES, BUT SPACE SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. > "Thanks, Nicole. If you'd excuse me. . . moment. TOM: Oh, he's been infused with Mako energy. MIKE: Shouldn't he be at SOLDIER? CROW: Anywhere other than here. > Sally commented on getting him some colored contacts for cosmetic > purposes> MIKE: Or maybe just a paper bag. > . . . O.K. I've got them. . . Hardware Compression and camouflage, > eh? Let's give that a try. . . " > Davey's left arm began to collapse on itself, CROW: Hey, he's imploding like in that Ren & Stimpy episode! MIKE: Cool! TOM: Neato. > starting from the shoulder > and down to the wrist, synthetic fur appeared in much the same manner. TOM: Much the same manner as what?! > It > appeared more like a fox left arm after it was done with itself. CROW: Ewww! MIKE: Crow, have I ever called you sick? CROW: Yes. MIKE: Disgusting? CROW: Yes. MIKE: Horrible? CROW: Yeppers. MIKE: Obsessed? CROW: Mm-hmm. MIKE: Insane? CROW: That too. MIKE: What a time to run out of ammo. > "Ah do > declare," Bunnie said as she saw this, "Ah should talk to Rotor about an MIKE: [ Bunnie ] Emergency accent removal surgery. > upgrade." > "I can transfer the parameter settings to his Roboticizer, if you want. MIKE: He's just making up plot contrivances as he goes. CROW: Well, sure, that's how any self-respecting-and-the-only-one-who-does fanfic author writes a story! > They're supposed to convert anything roboticized into this model." > "It looks and feels much like a robot duplicate model I encountered > about 6 months ago when training new recruits. It's almost like you've got > your old arm back. Ohh, I forgot. CROW: [ Sally ] I left the script in Robotropolis. TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, forget the script! I'll just use my authorial powers to make sure we win! Oh, and it's "Robotoplis". CROW: D'OH! > I ran out of disks a while back. I > should've got some while I was in Robotroplis. Oh, well. Another item in > the Minoc Grove shopping list." Sally meets Davey's eyes. MIKE: [ Sally ] Oh, why, hello, Davey's eyes! It's a pleasure to meet you! BOTS: [ Davey's eyes ] Hiya. > "Are you going > to be all right, Dave?" > "Why, sure, Sally. Just let me get some coffee and I'll be up and > running in no time." TOM: So "coffee" is his boot-up password? CROW: I'd like to boot him up. > "It's not that at all! I mean . . . are you going to be . . . all > right? You've been through a lot before coming here, more than any of us > want to know. It'll probably take your whole life to heal . . ." > Davey shushed his Princess MIKE: [ Davey ] She's *my* Princess! *Mine*! Hands off! CROW: Ewww! MIKE: Crow... > with a finger to her lips. "I'll be alright, > Sally. CROW: Now, what's that HTML code do? > Trust me." CROW: Bite me. > MIKE: [ Mike is just sitting in his seat, calmly, but suddenly... ] WAAAAAAAA- AUUUUGGGHHH!!!! [ Tom and Crow leap into the air. ] TOM: What is it?! CROW: What's wrong!? MIKE: Two random thoughts just connected in my mind. TOM: So? MIKE: Who did you say Pearl said she met? CROW: Oh, some red fox character. MIKE: And what did Davey get turned into here by the Power Ring? TOM: A... WAAAUGH!! CROW: YAAAACK!! MIKE: We gotta go check on this! TOM: Oh please let it be a coincidence, oh please oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeease!! [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL ] MIKE: [ Mike pushes the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Let's get to the bottom of this mystery. [ Mobius. Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are sitting on a log. In front of them, talking, is none other than our good friend, Davey Crockett! ] [ SOL. Cambot zooms in on everyone's faces. Dramatic music plays. ] ALL: AAUGH!! [ Mobius. Observer notices M&TB. ] OBSERVER: Oh, hello, amoebas. We were just speaking with David. DAVEY: That's "Davey". OBSERVER: Whatever. [ SOL ] MIKE: I don't believe this. TOM: You said it wasn't real! MIKE: Well, EXCUSE ME FOR BEING INCORRECT!! [ Mobius ] PEARL: Say, Davey, you seem like the powerful power-hungry type; ya wanna join me 'n' the guys? We're planning on universal domination! DAVEY: Well, okay! You can be my unwitting sidekick! PEARL: ME the sidekick?! If anyone should be the sidekick, it's you!! Who's been torturing Nelson and his robot friends? DAVEY: And failing at her intent of breaking them down! You're just a mess-up! PEARL: Ha! You're not even evil! DAVEY: Yeah, I can learn, and in any case I'm better than you! You couldn't even conquer that log you're sitting on! PEARL: Why you little... DAVEY: Why you big... BOBO: They make a good match, don't they, Observer? OBSERVER: Oh, quite. PEARL, DAVEY: SHUT UP!!! BOBO, OBSERVER: [ 'eep' quietly and shrink away ] [ SOL ] MIKE: This is not good. TOM: You can say that again. MIKE: This is not good. TOM: I didn't mean it. CROW: Y'know, they *do* make a cute couple... MIKE, TOM: SHUT UP!! CROW: [ 'eeps' quietly and shrinks away ] [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: Sorry, Crow. We'll be right back. CROW: Hmph. [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 2 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 3a of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq10$uc3$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672247 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:26:56 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 3a of 9 [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 5 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: The plot takes a dive. CROW: Good one! MIKE: Thanks. > > "A good cup of coffee and you're up and running, eh Davey?" Said Bear, > a brown fox with a weird name (According to Davey, anyway, but he kept it to > himself), "Join the club." CROW: I wish I *had* a club, like Klubba's in DK2. > "Thanks, er, Bear." As Davey sat down next to Bear, he looked into > those blue eyes of his. There were deep, almost ageless. MIKE: Where were deep, almost ageless? > They showed a lot TOM: Of sausages. > more age than what the rest of him shows. Davey had the impression that > there is a lot more of this Bear than meets the eye. MIKE: Ba-dum-bum! > "Antoine De'Collete's CROW: A cheese grater? MIKE: Good at gathering and sorting? > the best coffee maker on Mobius," Bear continued. > "Hey, Frenchie! Anytime today?" > "Merci, I just want to give Misu Crockett zometheeng nice to welcome > heem by, eef zat's all right with you, mon ami?" TOM: [ Swedish Chef ] Bork bork bork! > "Something nice, Ant? What did I do t' deserve this honor?" CROW: That's what we want to know. > Antoine came out with a couple mugs. "Eet is like zis, David. You > fulfilled your zolumn duty as a royal messenger. I always hold members of > ze royal court of Acorn in high regard. Zis of course means you." TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Furndy furndy furndy! > "Hey, a house latte! Thanks Ant." > "Dey have ze latte where you come from, mon ami?" TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Hurdely hurdely hurdely! MIKE: OK, stop. > "Have 'em? Heck, I can make 'em. I used to have a small coffee shop in > my old apartment." > By the time Davey's done with the latte, other freedom fighters arrived > to get to know him better. TOM: That's 3. CROW: Maybe the "Davey's" is short for "Davey was". MIKE: Not likely. > Some of them already do. "Hi, Sasha. You > feeling better? That flashback gave you quite a fright." "I'm okay now, > Davey. Thank you for being concerned." MIKE: [ Sasha ] Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you. > Other critters are new to him, like > Vixie Lamenta and Mighty Fox. "Hey! Ain't your left arm supposed to be > roboticized?" CROW: [ Davey ] Oh, just bite me, what's-your-face. > "It is. I just shifted it into compact mode and switched on the > hologram. See?" Davey set his arm down and allowed the forearm control > panel to show through. TOM: Show through what? CROW: Ewwww... TOM: What?! *What*?!? > "My oh my, talk about state of the art. Bunnie's gonna be jealous." > "She is. Good thing I plan to set Roboticizers to this model. It takes > power from my own body heat, is practically non-polluting, and in every > manner, looks and feels just like a real arm." MIKE: [ Davey ] Except for this big ol' wire connecting it to my head. > "Whoa. Wait until Sir Charles catches wind of you." ALL: Yuck!! > Vixie turns to > Mighty, and whispers to him. "So, Mighty, are you gonna tell him?" TOM: The meaning of the word "flock"? > "Tell him what?" CROW: The square root of pi? > "You know! That you were a human once, like he was. TOM: And like Keith Aksland... MIKE: And Ryan Huber... CROW: And FX... wait, he was a ferret. TOM: And Vision... wait, he was a... whatever he was. Kell-dyer or something. MIKE: Who're Keith Aksland and FX? TOM: Before your time. > Maybe Dave would feel better if he know that there's another one like him." MIKE: Then again, maybe not. > "I'll tell him later." Mighty did so on a shooting range. He shot at a > tin can with a BB gun--a childhood memory-- MIKE: Wha? TOM: He was the kid in that Christmas movie! > as he told Davey about becoming a > fox to rid himself of the curse of being in the same species as Robotnik. > He figured Davey went the same route. > "I have never met Blubber Butt," CROW: Then just turn around! MIKE: Crow! CROW: What? MIKE: That was entirely uncalled for. CROW: Oh, just shove-- MIKE: That's it. You're heading for a time-out. CROW: Fine! Send me to my room! MIKE: All right, I-- Oh, no, you're not tricking me. Wait here; I'll be back. [ Mike gets up and leaves. ] TOM: Mike, could you get me my laptop computer? MIKE: [ off screen ] How'll you use it? Your arms don't work, remember? TOM: I connect it directly to my CPU. Saves time in the long run. MIKE: [ o.s. ] OK. > Davey said as he fired- > BRRRRRRAAAAPPP! TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, hang on, I just let one. CROW: [ Davey ] Gotta light a match quick! > --with a mechanized assult pistol, "the curse that bit me was > TOM: Oh, it's his "bent-over plumber gun". > Political Correctness, CROW: [ Davey ] Damn those gun-wielding PC geeks! > and > my change of species CROW: [ revolver ] Oh, sorry, forgot how to pronounce POW for a second there. > was > purely by the fluke of a TOM: Mermaid. CROW: Oh, they have those on Mobius? TOM: Yeah, all types. Half-fox half-fish, half-squirrel half-fish, half-mouse half-fish, half-- CROW: I get the idea. > power ring. But by every other reason . . . stops firing, switches on the safty, BOTS: Huh? CROW: Safty? TOM: Safty sea dog, perhaps? CROW: Safty safty, joy joy? > and sets the revolver down> you're not > that far off, Mighty." > Mighty and Davey checked their targets. Mighty was only shooting for > fun, so the oil can looked like swiss cheese. TOM: A mouse walking by, in fact, mistook it *for* swiss cheese and hilarity ensued! > Davey's steel Swat-Bot > target, on the other hand, was missing it's head, arms, legs, chest, and > whatever counted as its private parts. TOM: Mi-i-ike? CROW: Can we join you? > "Daaaaaamn. BOTS: *Gasp*! > What to you do, sleep > with those things under your pillow?" > "Well, I don't know any martial arts yet, although CROW: [ Davey ] I am rather familiar with martial *law*. I understand you have plenty of that around here. > I'll probably pick > one up while I'm here. TOM: [ Davey ] I'll just add it to Sally's Minoc Grove shopping list. > Until then I have to stick to these guns." > "Guns? You call them guns? Dave, you've joined the Freedom Fighters, > not the Ozark Malitia!" CROW: Isn't that the enemy in King's Quest 7? > "Mighty, you should know this as much as I do. There is no such thing > as the ATF on Mobius." > "Hey, Mighty," Sonia shouted from outside. "Sasha needs ya." CROW: [ Sonia ] You saucy thing, you. > "Excuse me, my appointment with Doctor Prower awaits" Mighty walked out > as Sonia walked in. "Hello, Davey. Oh my gosh, look at that target! You've > shot everything out of it. Not only is that Swat dead, it's going to be > singing soprano for the next week!" BOTS: [ flinch ] CROW: Well, how's it gonna, if it's dead? > "Just relieving some angst, Suni." Davey notices by her red cheeks that > she's been crying. "Suni, dear, what's wrong?" > "It's just . . . . . . that stupid mudball of a planet . . . MIKE: [ returns ] A planet where *apes* evolved from *men*?! CROW: Oh, you're back. MIKE: Yeah. I was gonna find something to punish you with, but I couldn't find the duct tape. CROW: Phew. MIKE: Here's your laptop, Tommy-boy. [ He sets it down in front of Tom and connects a wire to his dome. ] TOM: Thenk yew. > . . . y-y-you come from. . ." MIKE: Switzerland's OK though... they're all smart in Switzerland. > she collapsed into his arms and wailed. > "W-why? How could they do this to you?" She looks at his left arm. > "You're such a nice guy. . . " CROW: And she's known him for how long? > "It's okay, child." Davey licks her face for tears again. TOM: [ Irish accent ] Because they're saltily delicious! > "I'm here > now. I'm alive. That's all that matters." Just as he said that, his > mind's eye flashed back to that dank, dark alley, and those eyes filled with > sparking rage, that heart, black as the skin color of the chest it was > housed in, the killer bullet screaming out for his innocent blood. MIKE: Evil mutated vampire bullets, next on Geraldo! CROW: Sounds like how Bruce Wayne lost his parents. > Davey > Crockett would find his loss easier to stomach if it weren't for the > politics involved. TOM: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're with ya. Right. > "I'm still healing after Piasa, my dear. kiss.> CROW: She exchanges it for a sweater. > Let's not talk about it right now." > "Oh. . . okay. . . Hey, wanna have a picnic? I > know this great place." TOM: [ Sonia ] It's right on the edge of this really nifty cliff. > "Sure thing." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Hmmm, I was wondering, Dave...can I call you that?" > "Dave, Davey, David; MIKE: Mike, Mikey, Michael. TOM: Tom, Tommy, Thomas. CROW: Crow, uh... Crowey, Crowus. MIKE: Doesn't quite work. > it don't matter, Sonia, as long as you mean me." > "Well, You're name CROW: [ Davey ] I most certainly am *not* name! Take that back now! > sounds kinda...familiar in a way. How'd you get > that?" TOM: [ Davey ] Reverse Polish Notation. Why? > "Davey Crockett was a historical figure in my world. He was an > explorer of my country whenit was young. I was called that when I wore a > cap made out of a raccoon hide, which Mr. Crockettusually wore, in grammar > school. By my teenage years, I'd abandoned it, but then came theInternet in > my world. I considered it the next wild frontier, MIKE: That's just wahld, man. > and I felt that it too > needed a DaveyCrockett, so I resurrected the persona. I found my coonskin > cap, but it was too small, soI removed its tail and tied it to the back of a > baseball cap I'm always wearing now, and the nineties'version of that legend > was born. TOM: [ Davey ] Vaguely, kinda, sorta a tiny bit like the legend... ah, who am I kidding?! I'm nothing like Davey Crockett! Waaaaahhh!!! CROW: "whenit", "Crockettusually", "theInternet"... His space bar must be on the fritz. MIKE: Oh dear god, he's ryb in disguise! > I've been called that so often, I kinda accepted that as my real > name. I mean, I'd completely forgotten just what name I was born with. MIKE: Knowing him, probably something like "Finsterbocker". > Strange." > As Sonya led Davey to her private lagoon, she asked him about 'Piasa.' > "Shortly before I came to your world, I was hunting down this local > legendary monster known as TOM: Gonter Man! With the amazing ability to slaughter grammar and put his audience to sleep with a single sentence! MIKE: Guys, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on him. CROW: Why not? He rivals Ratliff and Mosely! MIKE: Well, in this one story, perhaps, but keep in mind, this is his first story, as far as we know, and at least he isn't producing loads of crap! TOM: Really? Oh, come look at this. MIKE: [ reading from laptop screen ] "Foxfire Archive Whearhouse". ALL: [ pause ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > The Piasa Bird. It was the ugliest overglorified > canary you'll ever see. He popped up a hologram of it to prove his point: > It was a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the > body. "Had to use a super-powered sawed-off shotgun to take that thing out! > And that's with illegal ammo TOM: Ooooo, he's gonna get in trouble! CROW: No. Don't forget, he's: ALL: Gonter Man, lord of all he surveys! > and an over 800 meter drop!" MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, more like 800 centimeters, but there's a principle at work. > "Oh, Davey, you're so brave. You think you'd join those Power Rangers > you were talking about last night. TOM: [ Davey ] I do? CROW: Well, except that they're *just* a TV show. > That is, if you remained in your world, > which I'm glad you're not, by the way." > "I dunno." > They arrived at a picture-perfect lagoon under a waterfall. MIKE: It's a smarmy Polaroid ad! > "How'd you > like my little niche in the world, Davey? The flowers, the water, the > trees. . . " CROW: The smog. MIKE: The SWATbots. TOM: The toxic radioactive waste. > "Nice place you got here, Suni." > ". . . the skyline of Robotropolis just down that hill . . . " > "Oh, just put that in the long-as-my- CROW: Mike, you'll be happy to know that in this instance, I am not going to say one word. MIKE: Why, thank you, Crow. There may be hope for you yet. > Data-Spear list of reasons to kick > Snively's ass." BOTS: *Gasp*. > " Ha-Ha, that's a good one, Dear." CROW: [ Suni, cheerfully ] Shut up, moron. > They sit down on a > grassy spot. "Okay, what would you have?" She removes her bow and lets her > red Pocahontas-length hair fall. MIKE: Right off her head. > "I dunno, what you've got." He opens the empty basket. TOM: Ooo, nothing! My favorite! CROW: They're having air sandwiches! MIKE: Tastes crappy, less filling! > "Davey, have you forgotten, I use magic! ALL: Yes. CROW: Now ask us if we care. > What's your favorite dish? > Anything." TOM: [ Davey ] Hmm, I've never had an "anything" before. > "Well, my favorite food's Mexican . . . let's make it a chili dog > burrito, so we both can enjoy it." > "Okay," she waves her hands, and with a spark, a chili dog burrito CROW: Explodes in the microwave. > appeared. TOM: Four. > "Thanks, Suni," CROW: Wait, who's Suni? MIKE: Sonia's mutated half-cousin. Or her nickname. TOM: Nah. > Davey said as he took a bite. "Yummy." TOM: --fresh cyanide? > "Ulm, if it's alright with you, I'm feeling like Italian today." MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea what Italy is. > Suni > created a bowl of spaghetti. Davey looked a little surprised. He thought > that the Mobian Hedgehog's diet is predominantly chili dogs. TOM: Five. > "Besides, I'd > like to show you what my cyborg parts can do." CROW: If ya know what I mean. MIKE: Nudge nudge, wink wink. TOM: Say no more, say no more. PLEASE say no more. > She rolled up the fur over > her arm, and punched on the control panel underneath. Her index finger > morphed into a shaker cheese shaker." TOM: She is the Amazing Rando! CROW: NOW who's talking?! > "Neat trick," Davey said as he opened up one of the secret compartments > in his robot arm. "What's that." "Oh, this is a packet of Taco Bell hot > sauce. I have the recipe in my hard drive." "What's a Taco Bell?" CROW: It's a burrito you tie around the cat's neck to warn the birds. > "It's a > Mexican Restaurant in my home planet. I go there a lot; it'll be one of the > things I'll miss from my home." MIKE: [ Davey ] That and Cindy Crawford. > After emptying the packet, he looked for a > place to pitch it. "That's what the basket's for, darling." Suni opened up > the basket for Davey to toss the packet in, eyeing Davey's burrito. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Man, burrito, you're hot! > "So, Suni, how'd you become a 'borg?' Let me guess, Ro-Butt-Nik?" > "No, I got my cyborg parts from this android named Packbell." "Never > heard of him." MIKE: [ Davey ] Does he have a line of PC compatibles named after him? > "He used to work for Robotnik, but now he's probably > Snively's right hand droid. He has his own agenda, though. He want's to > take over Robotroplis for himself. Excuse me, but TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] *I* just let one. CROW: Quite a gassy planet we have here. > that chili dog looks > delicious!" Davey chuckled at first, but was surprised again at how easy > Suni turned a bowl of spaghetti into another chili dog burrito. "Wow, wish > I had that undo command!" MIKE: Undo fanfic? Yes. Undo conception of David Gonterman? Yes. Undo creation of Sonic the Hedgehog? Yes. CROW: Don't forget Star Trek. > "You know, hon, between you, me, Bunni, and Uncle Chuck, we can be > pretty cool cyborgs." MIKE: And that's our cue to laugh very loudly. ALL: [ do just that ] > "You think so? Maybe we should team up together." > "All four of us?" "Yeah, imagine us going up to Snively and say monotone voice> ALL: YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT? > 'PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE WILL BE FUTILE.'" MIKE: I am P-P-P-Porky P-P-P-Pig of B-B-B-Borg. P-P-Prepare to be a-a-as-as- assim-- er, joined to us. R-Re-R-Resistance is f-f-fu-f-fut-- oh, just give up! CROW: I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated! TOM: I am Windows of Borg. You will be assimilated, and claim that you're a brand new type of Borg even though you're just ripped off of Amiga of Borg and Macintosh of Borg. CROW: Oh, bite me, Mac-boy! MIKE: Guys, guys, calm down. > The > duo giggled. > "Aw, no," Tails can be heard from a distance, "Borg humor." MIKE: [ Tails ] Even though I have no idea what Borg is. TOM: I am not of Borg. You will be separated. Resistance is encouraged! CROW: I am Hillary Clinton of Borg. I will assimilate you fraudulently and shred all the records of the diversion of your assets to my husband's campaign. MIKE: I am Shareware of Borg. You will be assimilated once you send in $99. Press the 'Q' key after 30 seconds to continue. CROW: So they know about Borg and Italy, but not Taco Bell? TOM: I guess. > Two seconds > later, he was tackled by a pink enchida CROW: Shouldn't that be "echnida"? TOM: Same difference. CROW: Oh, well-- huh? MIKE: No, actually, it's a pink enchilada. CROW: Oh, I-- wha? > from behind. Suni said that her > name was Chuckles, ALL: [ laugh derisively ] > Knuckles' kid sister. MIKE: There, see, Tom? Just like I said a while ago. > "I've heard of him. Do you know > where he's at?" "Probably still at the floating island, for all I know, > Sonic can tell you more, but there's some bad blood between the two." TOM: [ Chuckles ] They're vampires. > Suni changed the subject and got up close. "Y'now, Dave, I've been > talking to Vixie, and we here wondering CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] How they get the ink into pens. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Where peanuts come from. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why Sonic the Hedgehog? Why why why *why* WHY Sonic the Hedgehog already?! > why humans-turned-foxes are so > darned cute?" MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] You know any? > "I dunno, give us a built-in fur coat and a tail, and we > become studs, I guess." She began to open up Davey's shirt and snuggle into > his furry chest. ALL: AAAAAAACK!!! > She confessed to him that she's drawn TOM: Well, it is a cartoon. > to Foxes and Wolves, TOM: Oh. > but she was a bit worried about the age difference: She's a teen, while he's MIKE: 97? Yeek! > in his twenties. However, Davey said that he's > not CROW: Whoa, accidentally hit Enter a bit early there, eh? > the kind of guy who'd take advantage of a girlfriend sexually, TOM: Not that he's ever actually had a chance. > especially one who can be classified as a minor in his world. That made her > feel safe to trust him, and maybe she can get close for a little while. CROW: Speeeew! > "You know, Davey, you can be just a sweet and lovable teddy fox at times," > she said as they looked gray eye to red eye. TOM: Red eyes? Ben Stein to the rescue! [ Ben Stein ] Dude. > "Part of my charm," he said as MIKE: The audience laughed their heads off in disbelief. ALL: [ laugh their heads off in disbelief ] > they touched noses. . . . > DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET! ALL: DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET! MIKE: Isn't that the rhythm to conga line music? > "Aw, crud," Suni pouted. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Pout pout pout. > That was an alarm from built-in pagers both > Davey and Sonia have installed in their cyborg MIKE: I am Spoofer of Borg. You will be assimilated anonymously. CROW: I am Homeless of Borg. WILL ASSIMILATE FOR FOOD TOM: I am Bill Gates of Borg. All other software companies will be assimilated. CROW: > parts. TOM: Six. CROW: Stop counting! TOM: Oh, OK. > Quite possibly, that > was Sally calling everyone in for a meeting. > "I swear, between her timing and her father's aim . . . . MIKE: Lies obsession? > control panel and activates the cellular phone> Talk to me, Sal." CROW: [ Davey ] Or not. > "I hate to break you two lovebirds up, MIKE: [ Sally ] No, actually, I REALLY enjoy it! BWAHAHAHAHA!! > but I'm assembling a meeting > about that CD of Davey's, CROW: BWAAAAARR!!! > and to plan our next mission. . . " MIKE: [ Sally ] We're gonna blow up the Death Egg. BOTS: [ snicker ] CROW: That just always makes me laugh. [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 3a of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 3b of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq28$udc$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672255 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:27:36 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 3b of 9 > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 6 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Um, the Knights Who Say Nix? > > "The walking care package that Daddy gave me just seems to keep on > giving. ALL: Ewwwww! > He's thrown in TOM: His hat. > several computer programs from Davey's world that > started to help us out the moment we installed them. Look at the stuff I've > added to Nicole. . . > CROW: [ phone ] Ring ring ring! MIKE: [ Sally ] Hello, hologram? > "Stacker takes existing hard drives and increases their size by more > than double. This will really give us more storage space for our little > friends. . . CROW: Ewwww! TOM: Say hello to my little friends! > Windows is a graphic based operating system that's so easy, TOM: [ snort ] > even Amy Rose can be computer literate in no time. TOM: Yeah, if she doesn't mind 99% of her time being spent fixing up after a crash! CROW: Servo, you die soon. TOM: I'd like to see you try. > What used to be a > complicated list of commands is now a simple click on to a small graphic > called an icon. . . WordPerfect is, by far, the best word processing > computer program I have ever used. MIKE: [ Sally ] Of course, I'm 3 weeks old. > It does everything except stuff MIKE: [ Sally ] You know, stuff. It doesn't do stuff. > your > letters into the envelopes and mails them itself. . . " > Suddenly, CROW: The lights came on with suddenness. > Robotnik was shown in a cave, having his spare tire blown to > hell by a missile. He collapses CROW: Suddenly. > into his own pool of blood and guts. TOM: OK, hands up, everyone, who *doesn't* wish that was Davey Crockett there? CROW: [ imitates crickets chirping ] > Some > of the villagers gasped at the sight, others were cheering by the time they > heard a gravely voice TOM: That should be either "grave" or "gravelly". MIKE: So either he messed up spelling or he messed up grammar? TOM: Pretty much. > go, "Hell, yer face CROW: [ gravely voice ] --no, David Gonterman-- > or yer @$$; what's the diffrence?" TOM: Good one, Crow! CROW: I've played that game before. MIKE: Guys... oh, never mind. > "Alright, Sally! I haven't been here one week, and already, I caught > someone playing Duke Nukum CROW: Nukem. > 3D!!!" "Man, that was cool, a little gross, but > cool." Sally giggled nervously. "How the heck did that program got in > there." > "SIMPLE SALLY, YOU INSTALLED IT IN. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > I DID WARN YOU ABOUT THE MA-17 > RATING." > "yeah, right. . . " "You like that game, Sal, and you know it." "You're > eyes were saying 'no,' but that numb thumb of yours was saying CROW: "Pootertoots". TOM: Is that dirty? I can't tell. > 'Yes!'" "rub > it in you guys. . . A-ha! MIKE: Auf Wiedersehen! CROW: Abracawhatchamacadabracallit! TOM: Ah-choo! > This is the one I was looking for; the CROW: [ Sally ] Nude stallion pictures. [ He turns and looks at Mike. ] MIKE: It's OK. Just don't continue. CROW: I won't. > schematic > drawing for the process Davey was half-roboticized in. Oh, I found a disk > for you to transfer those parameters in." TOM: Well, whoop-de-- MIKE: Ahem. TOM: --crap. MIKE: Thank you. > "Okay, Sal." Davey said as he slipped the disk into his forearm disk > drive." CROW: Who's talking?! > "I beg your pardon, my preencess, but what ess all theese talking about > Daveed's robot arm?" TOM: [ Antoine ] And hass aneeone seeen moi's brain? > Sally went up to Davey to retrieve the disk. "Because this robot arm is > more advanced than anything found on Mobius, Antoine. This design my father > used is almost indistinguishable from a real living arm, TOM: Oh, except for the big radar dish on the elbow. > especially in this > compact mode and with the hologram on. You'll actually feel fox fur; it's > even warm to the touch; and . . . then softened > her voice> CROW: [ Sally ] Oh, Davey... > . . . a pulse. . . I feel a pulse. . . TOM: [ Davey ] Sally's skipping. Someone nudge her. > Nothing roboticized should > have a pulse. . . " Everybody gasped in astonishment. "Are you askeeng moi MIKE: [ Antoine ] To give a speech describing the Declaration of Independence? TOM: You didn't do the accent. MIKE: If you think I'm even going to *try* that accent, you're crazy. > that that CROW: [ Yakko Warner ] Betcha can't say *that* three times fast! TOM: [ Dot W. ] That that that. MIKE: [ Wakko W. ] She's good. > arm's alive?" "If this' not a cure, it's certainly CROW: A vintage 1984 Dodge Dart! > the next best > thing." "Man, wait til Uncle Chuck hears about this!" TOM: He'll pee his pants! CROW: He has no pants. TOM: Oh yeah. > "Hold on for a moment, Sonic. We don't know if we can pull this off > first. Tests need to be made." MIKE: Fanfic tests. CROW: IQ test... negative. Plot test... none. Length test... 3 lines. TOM: We wish! > "I want my Uncle Chuck to be the first one treated, Sal. He was the > first one roboticized, it's only fair." MIKE: [ Sonic ] And I wanna!! > "Okay, Okay. After the test, we'll do Charles first." CROW: Ewwww! > Sally then turned to the audience. ALL: Y-y-y-e-s-s-s? > "Besides, we've got other things to > do: Mr. Crockett, of course, needs a place of his own to live in. We have a > good number of volunteers to do the building already. . ." CROW: Using fiberglass and baking soda. > "I want to help 'em out, Sally. It's going to he my home after all." MIKE: Here on Ventriloquist's Isle! > "Not right now, Davey. I need you for a courier run. I need you to go > to Minoc Grove to get some supplies. I'd go there myself, but I'm kinda > buzy tonight." MIKE: I'm going to listen to "Flight of the Bumblebee". CROW: And I'm meeting Swarm for lunch. > "Sure thing, ma'am." > "An' I'll tag along t' show ya the ropes." MIKE: [ holds a noose up to the screen ] TOM: [ Sonic ] I meant that figuratively. CROW: Where'd you get the noose? MIKE: It was under the seat. > "Tag along, Sonic? That ain't your style. You're the kind that likes > to lose trailers in the dust." MIKE: Hey, there's that down here too! CROW: Dust? MIKE: No, a trailer. CROW: Wha-huh? > "Not with that bike Rotor's working on, Big Daddy TOM: Pink and Mean Green Monster Brain. > ." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: The world's largest arithmetic question. > > But first, Davey had to link up with Nicole to get a shopping list for > the Minoc Grove errand run. It includes two pictures of critters that needed > to be picked up. MIKE: Is Davey really the right person for the job? > "THE CAT IS MELANIE, A MARTIAL ARTIST AND A PREVIOUS > FREEDOM FIGHTER. SHE IS ANTOINE'S GIRLFRIEND, TOM: [ snort ] Right. CROW: Isn't that Bunnie? TOM: Fanboy. > AND HE WENT ON AHEAD TO MINOC > GROVE EARLIER TO MEET HER. THE CHAMELEON IS CLEO. SHE'S MELANIE'S YOUNG > WARD. TAILS KNOWS HER WELL, THEY USED TO DATE." > "Tails? I thought he was with Amy Rose." CROW: Please, no reminders! > "AND CLEO, AND CHUCKLES, AND NINA, AND EVEN A ROBOTIC DUPLICATE THAT > RESEMBLES AN 8-YEAR-OLD VIXIE. . . OH, SONIC AND TAILS HAVE JUST ARRIVED." > > "Hey, Tails, you Heartbreak Kit, how's life." > "Uh-Oh, Big Guy. Davey's found out about your love life!" ALL: Or lack thereof. > "Aw, no." Tails hid his head under his arms. > Sally came by with a bag of Mobians. TOM: In it were Sonic, Chuckles, Antoine, Bunnie, Chuck... CROW: I think the actual term for the money is "Mobiums". TOM: Fanboy. MIKE: Man, two "fanboy"s on one page. > Apparently, they used the 'coins > only' MIKE: All bills will be shot on sight. CROW: [ duck ] Quack, quack, quack... QUAAAAACK!!! > monetary system, as it appeared ALL: Out of thin air! > heavy when she tossed it to Davey. "A > little something to get something for yourself while you're there, Dave. CROW: But there's only robots in Robotropolis, all of whom are unfriendly to living beings. TOM: They're going to Minoc Grove, Crow. CROW: Oh yeah. > Consider it as your salary. Just don't spend it all in one place, okay?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Wow, a whole 5 cents! Thanks! > "Does it include Psycho Pay, Sal?" > "Oh, Sonic. . . TOM: [ Sally ] Oh, you moron, you worthless piece of crap. > Rotor's done with your hoverbike, you can pick it up." CROW: [ Davey ] I tried, but I couldn't lift it! WAH HA HA HA HA HA!!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Wow, Rotor. You've worked all night." MIKE: [ singing ] Worked all night... BOTS: [ singing ] Oooh, baby... MIKE: [ singing ] Oooh, working up all night... > "Yeah. Tinkering's a hobby for me. I just can't sleep at night without > messing around with anything mechanical. TOM: [ Rotor ] It's an obsession. > I've covered all the outside > surfaces with solar cells to reduce fuel consumption, and added 50 > horsepower to the engine. I've installed a force field at the nose to act > like a front bumper." ALL: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!! > "You're an artist in your field, Rot." MIKE: [ Monty Python-esque ] Oh, rot you! > Davey hopped on the bike. "Your > Data Spear acts as the bike's starter key, and you can control it through > your interface." CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, he said "interface". TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh. "Interface". > The Data Spear appeared from its hiding place under > Davey's left wrist, and snaked its way into place. The twin 'tire' blowers > sprang into life, TOM: The Happy-Go-Lucky Reaper! > rushing air straight down. The hydraulic twin stands that > held the bike up lifted up and snapped into place. BOTS: Transformers! MIKE: Robots in disguise. > Davey found the clutch > pedal, and the turbine in the back produced a little forward trust, MIKE: [ Aladdin ] Do you trust me? > just > enough to take itself out of Rotor's garage. ALL: Bo-oring. > Sonic and Tails saw him appear. "Wow!" "Davey Crockett! MIKE: Leader of the *crap* frontier! > Big Daddy! > Jucin' it up on a hog of his own!!" Sonic revved in place. CROW: Ewwww! > Davey squeezed > the throttle. Both produces ALL: [ snicker ] > copious amounts of dirt MIKE: Next, on Jenny Jones! > as they staged in front > of an imaginary drag strip 'Christmas Tree.' The roar became deafening. An > orange glow growled from behind both of them. TOM: Gentlemen... Start your engines... MIKE: One... two... five! CROW: Three, sir. MIKE: Three! > And then all three of them simply vanished, leaving behind a thunderclap > as air rushed to fill the space that their bodies once occupied. TOM: They're dead! Party! MIKE: [ singing ] Party... let's have a party... CROW: Yee-ha! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 7 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL: D'oh! > > "You know what's the best thing about being the boss, Snivley?" > Packbell said as he stood next to Snivley's bed. "You can sleep in late ALL: Woohoo! MIKE: Too bad we're not the boss. > after a rough night, or go back to bed and start a day over, and not worry > about getting your butt chewed out by someone like Ro-Butt-Nik. And I heard > that things didn't go exactly as planned last night, as usual." CROW: [ Packbell ] You got slapped by five babes? TOM: [ Packbell ] Lucky dog! > Snivley was groggy MIKE: Nice to meet you, Groggy. I'm Mike Nelson. > as he crawled out of bed. "Who the phrack let you > in?" TOM: [ Packbell ] Twiki. CROW: [ Packbell ] Key. MIKE: [ Packbell ] Number Five. Oh, he's alive, you know. > "Oh, I came in through the vents, like any stinking Freedom Fighter. > You know me, Boss. I'll always give you crap." MIKE: [ Packbell ] I just can't think of any better birthday presents! > "You better believe that I'm the boss, and don't you ever phracking > forget it!" Snivley got a cup of the usual crappy coffee MIKE: [ Snively ] I'm taking the last cup and I don't have to make more 'cause I'm the boss! > and stood in front > of a terminal. "Computer, run surveillance tape of last night. Filename: > Crockett." TOM: O' Crap. > A video tape recording of a human with a robot left arm CROW: Me or Tom? MIKE: Neither. It's Gypsy. TOM: I dunno... looks like Cambot to me. > appearing from CROW: Left field? > The Void was played. "It appears that another player has entered the game." MIKE: [ announcer ] And-- what's this? A robot-armed human has entered left field! It's anybody's game now! > Another monitor showed a snapshot of the human's head ALL: Ack! > and whatever data it > had on him at the time. It wasn't much: Just the who, Davey Crockett, and > the why: Delivering a message to Princess Sally. CROW: She needs to be reminded to breathe every once in a while. > "This has King Acorn's > name written all over it. MIKE: See, there's one right there! "King Acorn"! And another! > He must've known that Robotnik is gone somehow, > so that he knew exactly when to send him. What's his game?" > Packbell turned to the playback and cringed. TOM: [ Packbell ] I've got "morning face". > "Obviously hardball." CROW: Which is odd, because he-- MIKE: That's enough. > He > switched on the audio. "No, you fool! Not so early in th--" > Both were blasted with a Death Metal guitar lick which accompanied this > particular scene in the tape: > [Sung in a fake-prosessed TOM: I'm reading that as either "fake-processed" or "fake-possessed". > growl] CROW: Rrrrowr! > MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO TOM: Get tickets to a Rush concert. > SEE YOU DIE, JAMNIT ALL: [ burst out laughing ] CROW: "Jamnit"?! TOM: The J key isn't even *near* the D key! MIKE: That has to be the silliest error yet! > I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE > I'M THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DEATH CROW: Thank you! TOM: Kill us! Hurry! MIKE: Put us out of our misery! > I'M YOUR NOOSE MIKE: [ holds up noose again ] > --YOUR RAZOR BLADE----- > YOUR LETHAL INJECTION TOM: [ singing ] I'll be your noose, I'll be your blade, be everything that you need... > I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO OZ, TIN MAN-- > IN PIECES!!! CROW: Yeah, just blow chunks, Crockett! > With his jetpack blowing flame behind him, Davey Crockett looked like > the Avenging Angel ALL: Which one? > as he charged a squad of six Swatbots head on, his eyes > glowed an angry red so bright you can't see the eyeballs. MIKE: Hide, guys! He's coming!! TOM: No sweat. CROW: We can handle this just like the rest of the fanfic. > Each hand held a > rifle that he fired indiscriminately into his quarry. CROW: [ Fred Flintstone ] Yabba-dabba-doo!! > One shot removed a > Swat head in a grotesque blossom of MIKE: Lotus. > metal, oil, and circuitry. Another one > got clipped by the knees, toppling it to the ground. TOM: Just let him try that on me! I *have* no knees! Ha! > A third got in the way > of a decapitating clothesline. > Crockett landed on the just-crippled Bot with a gut-squishing stomp, MIKE: [ robot ] Wait, I'm friendly! I wanna help! I-- <*bzzt*> oh, never mind. > sending upwards a geyser of oil that popped the top off like a cork. He > growled at his fourth victim and pounced on top of it, knocking it down to > the ground. He reached back with his robot arm and dove it right into the > Swat's chest, BOTS: Yick! > grabbing its oil pump and ripping it out. Davey held the > still-functioning robot 'heart' up like a trophy, BOTS: Double yick! > then dropped it to get at > the remaining two Swats. > He grabbed Swat #5 by the neck with his left hand and wrung that Swat > around like a chicken, knocking #6 off a wall and into his right hand. A > panel sprang out from underneath the left forearm and a metallic spear on a > cord spat out, snaking around Davey's back and playing 'Alien' with #6 as > #5's head fell off because it's neck was squeezed into the diameter of a > toothpick. ALL: WHA-A-AT?! MIKE: That was *so* stupid!! CROW: What is this, dubbed from Martian by a deaf-blind-mute-retarded person who types with his feet?! > > Davey lifted #5 up high above his head, and with a scream that sounded > like it came from Hell, he brought the Bot crashing into the camera. > COME ON, SAY IT------ BOTS: [ whiny ] We don't wanna! > ROBOTNIK SUCKS!!!! > I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL: [ crickets chirping, frogs croaking, that sort of thing ] > > The screen went to white noise for a few seconds before showing Davey's > standing up to Mecha Sonic, and the subsequent breaking out with even more > of the previously viewed carnage, but both Packbell and Snivley were still > in shock . "Snivley, my man, CROW: [ Packbell ] Kiss me. > that guy is a wacko. He's sick. He's out > there like phracking Pluto. He is gone." MIKE: Y'know, for once, I agree with Packbell. > "Maybe. I think he's just a rookie punk out looking for respect. CROW: And I agree with Snively. > He > needs to be knocked down some, that's for sure. CROW: Twice, in fact. > He's probably a > Freedom Fighter by now, the Knothole scramblers won't let me pinpoint his > location. ALL: We'll tell ya! > It would be easier with that robot arm--" MIKE: Blown to bits? TOM: Glued to the floor? CROW: Up Davey's-- MIKE: CROW!!! > An alarm sounded saying that Davey Crockett has been spotted outside of MIKE: [ announcer ] The building. Repeat: Davey has *left* the building! > the great forest. "He's headed for Minoc Grove, and going as fast as Sonic!" ALL: [ bored tone ] Wow. CROW: Just like every other being who comes to Mobius from another world. > Snivley got an visual I.D. TOM: But his picture looked terrible. CROW: He was having a no-hair day. > He took a double take at the large fox > riding a hovercycle going 65mph, but the coontail cap and robot left arm was > a dead giveaway. > "Nice fur coat, Crockett. How'd ya get the blood out?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Palmolive. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 8 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Let's *please* be late! > > The hovercycle darts in and out of Sonic's wake as the hedgehog zoomed > through the trees on the outskirts of the Great Forest. Tails was tucked > safely in between Davey and the control panel. "This is CROW: So, so wrong. > way past cool, Uncle > Davey! You're going as fast as Sonic on this thing!" > "'Uncle' now, eh? You know if anybody's actually clocked that > hedgehog?" TOM: We'd like to clock him... ON THE HEAD! > "I dunno. Nobody has figured out how fast Sonic can actually get." MIKE: Let's see... so far his maximum speed is five miles per hour. CROW: Three, sir. MIKE: Three miles per hour. > "Well, I guess I have to find out, won't I?" > Davey edged the cycle directly behind the blue hedgehog. MIKE: Ramming thpeed!! > He acquired a navigational lock on him. MIKE: Whoa, he *is* gonna ram him! > A large speed display appeared on the panel. 75 mph. > The hovercycle slowly accelerated into tailgating area. TOM: Y'know, in an anthropomorphic world, the term "tailgating" could take on a whole new meaning! > "Hey, Hedgehog! I thought your name was 'Sonic!' CROW: [ Sonic ] No, actually, everyone calls me "Maurice". > Get it outta first, > will ya?" > "So you wanna race with me, Big Guy? JUICE TIME!!!" MIKE: Hey, he spelled "juice" right! > 87 mph. Hedgehog and hovercycle floor it. TOM: And the friction burns them to a crisp. The end. > 100 mph. TOM: Crap. > 125 mph. CROW: So... > 200. The nose of the bike crept closer. MIKE: Hm. > 275. And closer. TOM: I feel like we should be doing *something*. > 350. "Hey! Don't crowd me, Dave!" MIKE: So, how've you two been doing recently? > 425. "Never heard of drafting, have you?" CROW: Fine, fine. I'm working on "Earth vs. Soup Interactive". > 475. "If you think you can pass me....." TOM: I've been reading a bunch of comic strips. > 525. "Face it....." MIKE: Like what? > 550. "...Sonic..." TOM: Let's see, there's Limpidity, Kevin & Kell, Upper Crust, Sabrina Online, Madam & Eve, Ivory Tower--but that one's discontinued--Melonpool, Falling Dream, Dexter, Class Menagerie, After Life of Bob... > 565. "...I can..." CROW: Jeez, that's a lot! MIKE: After Life of Bob? > 580. "...take more..." TOM: You heard me. > 600. "...than you..." MIKE: Can you show me some of those later? > "Yeah, but can you stop on a dime?" TOM: Sure. They're all web based. > Sonic slid to a stop. CROW: I wanna see too! > Crockett blown past the hedgehog. CROW: [ snicker ] "Crockett blown"? > A brick wall was dead ahead!!!!! 600 mph. CROW: Hey, guys! Davey's headed for a brick wall at 600 mph!! MIKE: Really?! TOM: All right! > 550. "Bail, Prower!!" MIKE: [ Tails ] No, I plan to stay here and get crushed on a brick wall *with* you. > 500. Tails was thrown into the air. TOM: Fweee! > 450. The two-tailed fox spun his brushes to safety. CROW: Yes, art supplies can save your life! > 375. Davey cut off the turbine. TOM: Snap! CROW: Crack! MIKE: Pop! > 275. Retro-rockets bellow out from the nose. ALL: Fwooooosh! > 150. Davey popped a wheelie to put the blowers out in front. TOM: Gah? CROW: Fwa-huh? MIKE: [ whiny ] I don't get it. > 75. "Oh, no!" CROW: Oh, *yes*! > 50. "I can't look!" TOM: I can! > 25. The hydraulic stands go down. > 10. "He's gonna crash!!" MIKE: Woo-hoo! > 5. "AAAAAAAA!!!" ALL: AAAAAAAALL RIIIIIIIIGHT!! > Zero Miles per Hour. The hoverbike lands into a perfect parking spot, > with a good foot of fresh Mobian air between the nose section and solid > brick, and an inch between the forward stand and a 10-Mobian coin. ALL: Damn!! MIKE: Another letdown. TOM: Ah well. CROW: Not like we actually believed it. MIKE: It was fun to hope for a minute, though. > "I don't > believe it!" Sonic exclaimed. "he really did stop on adime!!" TOM: Mike, what's an adime? MIKE: The grade that Sprint lady gets on her report card. TOM: Really? MIKE: No. > Davey stood triumphant. "Thank you, thank you. No need for alarm. I > knew exactly what I was doing all the time." > "Great, Crockett. CROW: [ Sonic ] Ew, I splattered all over! Gotta go collect up my flesh. > Don't get cocky, okay?" > "Who, Me?" CROW: It's capitalized. TOM: Does that mean Davey is God? MIKE: Only in his dreams. > "Er, Tails, do I act like that." MIKE: [ Sonic ] Do I forget to put in question marks too. > "Oh, no, Sonic. You never stop that far away from the walls. C'mon, > Uncle Davey. I know where to get Aunt Sally's stuff." CROW: [ Tails ] See, there's this drug dealer near-- MIKE: OK, just stop right there. > CROW: Looks to be the end. Or something. TOM: For now. MIKE: [ picks up Tom ] So, you think you could show me some of those comics? TOM: Sure... [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL. Everyone's in front of a computer-- Tom has his laptop, Crow is using the odd-colored one featured in the MSTings "Three Music Videos" and "Two Shades of Sally", and Mike's tapping away at a palmtop one. ] MIKE: Hee hee hee! Oh, that Ralph. Won't he ever learn? CROW: Man, Bob's in the wrong place at the really wrong time! TOM: Kinda sudden, eh, Amy? No wonder Thomas fled! MIKE: [ looks up at Cambot ] Oh, hi-ho, friendly readers! We were just looking at some of these web comics. Cambot'll show the web addresses during the credits, right? [ Cambot nods ] Anyway, I'm gonna go get a snack. You guys keep browsing. [ He leaves. ] TOM: [ waits until a few seconds after Mike is gone, then... ] Netscape. CROW: Internet Explorer. TOM: Netscape! CROW: Internet Explorer! TOM: NETSCAPE!! CROW: INTERNET EXPLORER!! MIKE: [ o.s. ] Guys, what are you doing? BOTS: Nothing, Mike. MIKE: [ o.s. ] Good. TOM: Hey, here's a neat site! It's about us! CROW: Hm? TOM: Yeah! It's called "Web Site #9"-- CROW: Cambot, give me Web Site #9! Hee hee! [ The view starts to fade. ] No, I was just kidding. [ It returns to normal. ] TOM: Honest mistake. CROW: So, it's about us? TOM: Yeah! It's got a huge archive of the riffings we've done on fanfics, spam, and postings! It's got Artemis' Lover-- CROW: Yeuggh! Don't remind me! TOM: --Rangers of NIMH 1 and 2-- CROW: Gag. Ga-a-ag. TOM: --*16* Stephen Ratliff stories-- CROW: I'm gonna barf up my CPU any minute now. TOM: --and a whole bunch of Abians, John_-_Winstons, Robert E. McElwaines, and more! CROW: Man, Sounds like someone has a *lot* of time on his or her hands. TOM: Yeah. It's by-- [ Tom stops and stares. ] CROW: What? TOM: What's Mike's full name? CROW: "Michael J. Nelson". Why? Who made the site? TOM: "Michael K. Neylon". [ Both bots stare at the laptop screen. ] MIKE: [ returns, munching a cookie ] Hiya. Hey, you guys found my web site! BOTS: Huh? MIKE: Yeah! Recently, I've been archiving all of these MSTings in my spare time. CROW: Uh, how'd ya get the Joel-era ones? MIKE: Dr. Forrester had them saved. I managed to hack in. TOM: Hmm. You need a better pseudonym. MIKE: Well, it's worked! Not one person has e-mailed me thinking I'm who I am. CROW: But are you? MIKE: Of course! I think. TOM: Wait, if you're not who you say you are, then who are you? MIKE: I'm me! Well, I guess I'm me. TOM: My head hurts now. CROW: Oh, big change. TOM: Why you-- [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: Just cool down. We've got Psychic Network Sign, and we'll be right back. [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 3b of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 4a of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq39$udj$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672264 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:28:09 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 4a of 9 [ Everyone enters the theater. ] MIKE: Great comics, Tom. Thanks. CROW: Yeah, it brings your spirit up. TOM: No problem. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 9 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: And feelin' fine! CROW: Speak for yourself. > > The trio entered the mall area, TOM: Trio? MIKE: Um, Davey and two others, probably. > unaware that they were being watched by > a robotic rubber chicken behind a tree. CROW: Man, Big Bird did not age well. > This Bot was joined by a mechanical > monkey MIKE: Diddy Kong! > and a pint-sized tank. > "Grounder, the phone." CROW: [ whoever ] It's stuck in my nose. > The tank opened up his TOM: So the tank's a he? MIKE: Never seen a male tank before. > chest. MIKE: Ouch! > "Here it is, > Scratch." MIKE: No, scratch that. > "S.S.S.S.S. CROW: Chicken or snake? *You* make the call! > Squad to Lord Snivley. We just saw Sonic and Tails TOM: And King Davey, ruler of all. > go into the Minoc Mall." "Yeah," the monkey added, "and with a giant fox we > don't recognize. Looks like a dumb hick to me. " CROW: If he only knew how right he was. > "That's no ordinary dumb hick, Coconuts," TOM: [ Snively ] It's a *really* dumb hick! > Snivley said from the control > room of Robotropolis. MIKE: *Gasp*. He spelled it right! TOM: Actually, his spelling is improving by *small* amounts. MIKE: Hm. Ever read "Flowers for Algernon"? BOTS: No. MIKE: Never mind. > "His name is Davey Crockett, and he's a new member of TOM: Rush. > the Freedom Fighters. Be sure to give him a good freshman hazing as you get CROW: The measles. > that repulsive hedgehog and that flea-bitten brat of his." > "Will do, Lord Snivley!" "'Lord Snivley!' Ha! Never thought I'd see > the d--" MIKE: Dratted loser? TOM: Dumb hick? > Snivley cut Coconuts off MIKE: [ Snively ] Hi-keeba! > and turned to Packbell. > "The S.S.S.S.S. Squad, Boss? Hardly the bots for the Job. Those three > dimwits can't handle Sonic or Tails, and you sicced them on this . . . CROW: [ Packbell ] This *dumb* *hick*?! > Psycho? " > "Mr. Crockett is becoming too cocky too fast if he thinks he can just > step into Mobius like he actually owns the planet. ALL: But he *does*! > He needs to learn some . > . . humility." ALL: Agreed. > Snivley turns his back to his underboss. "Besides, those > three bots are expendable." CROW: Yeah! They can grow really long, and-- MIKE: That's "extendable". > "Expendable, you say." MIKE: Tally-ho, chop-chop. > Packbell eyes narrow. CROW: Which ones? > He looked like he was in > deep thought. TOM: Oh, it's just an optical illusion. > He faded back and out of the room. TOM: Now *Packbell* is the Amazing Rando! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: You can only make so many jokes about the same horizontal line. > > By the time Packbell arrived at Minoc Grove, Davey was through with > Sally's shopping chores. He also got a few things for himself as well, like CROW: A nice silk dress. > a baseball cap with the House of Acorn crest on it. He switched his now > famous TOM: Impersonation of Madonna. > racoon tail, MIKE: Bookshire! No! CROW: I thought it was Rotor. TOM: No, Rotor's the geeky fox. MIKE: Rotor's geeky, but I think he's the walrus. CROW: Wrong, Mike. MIKE: Huh? CROW: The walrus has to be... Paul! MIKE: [ pause ] What I wouldn't give for a Narn and a baseball bat right about now. > which is detachable, to that hat, and gave the old one > to Tails, which was close by. "Uncle Davey, what does . . . SIUE mean?" CROW: Gesundheit. > "Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. It's a college I went > to when I was still on Earth." > What do you call a redneck with a college education? MIKE: A liar? > Packbell mused to > himself as he hid cloaked in the trees. A very dangerous man, or in this > case, TOM: Moron. > yipper. My guts tell me that he's gonna be more trouble than he's > worth. I've gotta study him. MIKE: [ Packbell ] There might be a pop quiz next period. > Davey dumped the stuff in the trunk of the MIKE: Elephant that accompanied them. CROW: This, of course, was met with some resistance. > hovercycle, quickly catching > a can of nuts for Sally before it fell off. Reaction time's 7 times quicker > than CROW: [ Packbell ] That of a slug. > average. Humm. TOM: [ Packbell ] I don't know the words. > Must be those cyborg implants. My sensors indicate > that he is MIKE: [ Packbell ] The personification of the author. > partly roboticized, but not all of him that's 'bot. CROW: Huh? > That left > arm's actually TOM: [ Packbell ] Styrofoam! > a computer terminal on steroids MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Two weeks later, it was discovered that Davey's robotic arm had been on steroids. The team was stripped of its title... > . . . oh-oh, Dumb, Dumber, > and Dumbest are here . . . TOM: AAAAAHH!! They made a SEQUEL!! > Neither Davey or Tails saw the three incoming 'bots. CROW: 'Cause, y'know, they're not observant. > Davey just closed > the trunk and activated the security systems, and headed back to the mall > with Tails in tow. TOM: Ick. MIKE: I don't think that's what... never mind. > As he went, however, he was looking around him. "Hey, > Tails, you feel like you're being watched?" ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > "Ummm, I dunno. Something's wrong?" > "I dunno either. Something's got me running a bit paranoid. CROW: So he's afraid that he'll get the runs? MIKE: Crow! Eeyuck! > I'll > check the scanner." David held his right hand to his head TOM: [ Davey ] Damn this migraine headache! > as his eyes > glowed again. His eyes must double as computer terminals to be glowing like > that. Good thing I've got a stealth mode. I don't want to confront him yet > . . . MIKE: I wish this was still set up as a web page. The thinking is giving me a headache. CROW: But Mike, you should be used to that by now! BOTS: [ giggle ] MIKE: Oh, very funny. *Very* funny. > "Drat, It's so buzy in here that I can't MIKE: [ Davey ] Hear a thing! BOTS: [ start buzzing ] > get a good fix on any bot > activity, but I do detect CROW: [ Davey ] A strip club. TOM: No, that's *hot* activity. MIKE: You guys are hopeless! > a tall cat and a chameleon coming this way. Must > be Mel and Cleo." > And it was. Cleo rushed the two-tailed furball. "Hi, Tails!" Tails > managed to return the 'hello' before being crunched in a bearhug. ALL: [ various cracking crunching shattering bone breaking sounds ] > About the > same time, Davey tapped on his right arm, and a song belted out. MIKE: [ singing ] I love you... you love me... ALL: [ singing ] Let's hang Davey from a tree... TOM: Wait a minute! His *left* arm's the robotic one! CROW: [ chuckling ] Whoops! > Davey took > a title track from a pro-wrestler and spliced in Amy Rose and Tails' voices: > I think I'm cute/ MIKE: Not. > I know I'm sexy/ CROW: You know wrong, bucko. > I've got the feeling/up an down my > spine.... TOM: You're alone. > "DAVEY!!! STOP THAT!!! I'M DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT HERE!!!" CROW: We're dying of boredom. Wait your turn. > I'm just a sexy boy (sexy boy)/ ALL: [ snort ] > I'm not your boy toy (boy toy) MIKE: Either of you ever wind up those walking toys and set them in front of a ledge? CROW: No. Sounds like fun! TOM: Let's try that later. > "ARRRRRRRGH!!!!" CROW: My thoughts exactly. > Tails ran out of the scene as Davey and Melanie were > laughing. ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. > Packbell was too, inwardly. As the two followed the beleaguered CROW: Ooo, vocab word! > 10-year-old, they were themselves being tailed by MIKE: Cute little girls selling cookies. BOTS: Awwww. > Scratch, Grounder, and > Coconuts. MIKE: OK, cute little bots selling cookies. BOTS: Awwww. > Scratch went to see what was in that trunk and was promptly > electrocuted. MIKE: OK, cute little bots getting blasted. BOTS: Owwww. > Smart thinking, Crockett. Waitaminute, what's that bamfing ALL: [ snicker ] > in? > A falcon with a red cape appeared out of nowhere. CROW: Isn't that illogical? I mean, everything has to come from *somewhere*. > It was Lutherain, ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Well, this fanfic may suck, but at least it's entertaining. > the familiar MIKE: Then how come we don't know him? > of Sonia Hedgehog, someone Packbell knows too well; after all, TOM: How cute. They used to date. > he was the one that did the half-done roboticization on her. CROW: So? > The falcon > swooped down and nestled on Davey's shoulder. I'll be damned. ALL: We'll help. > Sonia's > warming up on him? This I've gotta see. Packbell leapt to the rooftops and > followed the entire scene unfolding. TOM: Let it unfold without us. Please. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: OK, I've got it. The Jolly Green Giant's vaulting pole. > > Melanie was joined by Antoine as Davey stopped by a Card and Flower > shop and telepathically TOM: Oh, great, now he's telepathic!! > said to Lutherain. CROW: Said what? MIKE: [ Davey ] I just let one. > 'I CROW: [ Davey ] Suck. MIKE: Oh, so we've got quotes for telepathy but not thought? > wanna get something for Suni, > but I don't know what. Any suggestions, Luth?' TOM: [ Lutherain ] How 'bout red fox repellent? She was telling me she wanted some of that. > 'Oh, the usual. Flowers, perfume, a card . . . I'd say candies, buy MIKE: Low, sell high? > it's a bit warm for that. Wine's out too, with Suni being a minor still. I > was wondering, Dave, what would you do back home when you fall in love?' > 'Heck, MIKE: I am Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light! Do not take the name of Heck in vain! CROW: Yeah, and that goes for me too! MIKE: Who're you supposed to be? CROW: Steve, Prince of Rapidly Waning Luminosity. > I'd just spray paint her name on a water tower.' MIKE: Wouldn't the Warners complain? > Lutherain crackled out loud. He's heard Davey's 'redneck' routines > before. He especially likes the 'Redneck Test' created by this Jeff > Foxworthy CROW: This Jeff Foxworthy, that Jeff Foxworthy, everywhere a Jeff Foxworthy Jeff Foxworthy. TOM: [ chanting ] We are not Foxworthy! We are not Foxworthy! > guy to find out if you are one, since you can't tell by listening > for accents. If you can answer 'Yes' to at least seven of these questions, > then you just might be MIKE: Crow T. Robot. CROW: Heey! > a redneck. If you can't count that far, MIKE: You're *definitely* Crow T. Robot! CROW: HEY!! > you get an CROW: Honorary job as a fanfic author! > automatic mention. . . > > "Oui," Antoine interjected TOM: Eww. > into the shared musings. "Would you like > zome flowerz or ze candeez for the girl of your dreamz, or MIKE: [ Antoine ] Don't you dream at all? > will you zettle > for ze Krylon?" > Davey laughed. "Nah, Ant. There's no overpasses around Knothole. . . > A-ha." He eyed a bottle of Mystic brand perfume that was within his budget. > "This will do." He had it gift-wrapped with a card included. He signed it TOM: "Some dork". > with a racoon tail. 'That'll show Suni who's that from. Who else wears a > coontail cap--waitaminute, what's that outside?' TOM: It's a bird! CROW: It's a plane! TOM: No, it's a bird! CROW: It's a plane, you dunce! MIKE: No, it's an elephant, I'm sure of it! > Sonic was found dressed up as a mall cop, harassing a robot chicken, > monkey, and toy tank. 'The bot's names are Scratch, Coconuts, and Grounder, CROW: So one bot has three names? TOM: Why not? Davey has 17. > respectively. They're known as the S.S.S.S.S.Squad.' > 'S.S.S.S.S. Squad?' MIKE: They're snakes in disguise. > 'Super Stinky Smelly Stupid Slow-Mo Squad.' > 'Good one, Lutherain.' ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is funny. We laugh at it. Ha ha ha. > "Waitaminute! We're not stupid! CROW: Just 'cause we can't open childproof bottles, and testers have to dig for our IQs, and we can't spell "three", and we need help putting on our underpants, and we all think two plus two is eleventeen, that doesn't mean we're stupid! > That's no mall cop, that's Sonic!" > "Get him!" > "Oh-oh, Sonic's been 'made.'" ALL: Ewww!! > Three robots piled on Sonic, who merely wiggled out of the heap of > metal as the bots argued it out amongst themselves for about 15 seconds. CROW: Y'know, physical humor just doesn't translate well into text. MIKE: Or it could just not be funny at all. > Davey handed the present to Antoine. "Hold this, Ant. This won't take > more than a minute." MIKE: [ Davey ] I just tie the string to your tooth, the other end to my hovercycle... > "Good luck, mon ami." MIKE: [ Antoine ] What should I put on your tombstone, er, I mean, see you when you get back! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: Jack and the, er, Leafless Beanstalk. > > Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop. . . CROW: [ Monty Python-esque ] Someday we'd better get ourselves actual horses. > Three bots noticed the approaching footsteps and looked up at the tall > orange fox TOM: Isn't he supposed to be a red fox? MIKE: You expected continuity? TOM: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. > entering the fray. "Hey, my man--er, hedgehog. These bot's > giving you crap?" The fox looked like he means business by the way he was TOM: > dressed; CROW: [ Davey ] Wha-- Little Bo Peep?! Where's my Means Business outfit? > an 'uniform' he got himself in the stores: TOM: I'm afraid to ask... > Earthling Levis tucked > into boots. Two laser pistols holstered at the hips and The Power Rifle-- > another toy he brought with himself over The Void, if anyone in the scene > cared to ask-- MIKE: Oh yeah, forgot to give him a weapon, so just say he got one way earlier! CROW: It's Standard Plot Contrivance #75. TOM: What's #76? CROW: "Kidnapping of boy/girlfriend." > behind the back. The Y-shaped suspenders with the Acorn icon TOM: Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! CROW: Stop. MIKE: Repeat it endlessly! Annoy your friends! Lose your job! Get expelled! Be put up for adoption! CROW: Stop it! TOM: Acorn icon. Acone icron. Racone icnon. Nacone ricron. CROW: STOP IT!! TOM: [ muttered ] Ranecone nicron. > in the middle. The cyborg left arm expanded into 'Combat Mode.' And then > the eyes, ruby quartz red and glowing like a pair of sunsets. CROW: Hey, guys, we switched from Blood and Metal to Redneck Rampage! TOM: Awright! MIKE: Somebody whack Bubba with a crowbar! > Davey > Crockett thought of colored contacts, but Suni thought they looked cool > enough the way they are; they reminded her of Scott Summers' eyeballs. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea who Scott Summers is. > "Hey, nothing I can't handle, Big Daddy. I can handle these Badniks > any old day." > "Then would you mind if I join you? CROW: [ Davey ] I've got "boogie fever"! Boogie with me, blue man! > If I don't kill at least one bot > in a day, I'm afraid I'll just spoil." > "H-h-h-h-hey," Scratch stammered, as he almost figured out who's just > joining in the game. "Y-y-you're not that new--" > "Yes, I am." Crockett advanced toward the robot chicken. MIKE: Chicken limbo's the one! Big fun! CROW: Ca-a-all for Robot Chicken! TOM: Buckaw! > Sonic > smiled. "Check this out Tails, the good part's coming up. This is where > robot parts start flying and the oil starts spray--" Suddenly, Sonic looked > surprised. "Behind you, Dave!" MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dave, your behind! > The feeling was mutual in Lutherain. Oh, crud. It's Packbell!! > Neither of them got a chance to finish their lines before Packbell > dropped on top of Davey Crockett and sunk his arms around Davey's head in a > sleeper hold! CROW: [ Packbell ] I've always loved you. TOM: And now, for your viewing displeasure, a demonstration of Standard Plot Contrivance #76. > "Think you could just waltz into the place and save the > world, Rookie? Can't have that from my side, mister. Imagine what Suni > would feel with her newly-beloved cyborg boyfriend being delivered to her in > a pizza box? Heh-heh-heh-heh!" MIKE: Well, that's what she'd *say*. > All of the sudden, Davey's eyes glow red. Gritted teeth show a new surge MIKE: Energy *SURGE*!! > of > hardness. BOTS: Ewwww!! MIKE: Guys... > If you look closely, text caqn ALL: [ chuckle ] TOM: Does Davey even know the word "spell-check"? CROW: Maybe it's supposed to be "Cajun"! MIKE: Oh, great, an X-Men crossover. > be seen on his left arm, the same text that > glares in his vision. CROW: Do you want to, or shall I? MIKE: Let's do it together. TOM: OK! One, two, three-- ALL: BITE ME, DAVEY!! > Davey Crockett is now in "Kick Bot Mode:" ALL: [ snicker ] > > ALERT---UNIT UNDER ATTACK BY: TOM: Two robots and one human. > ANDROID DESIGNATE: PACKBELL CROW: Gateway. MIKE: Dell. TOM: Macintosh. CROW: Mac-boy. TOM: Bite me. MIKE: Stop now. BOTS: Bite us. > METHOD OF ATTACK: SUBMISSION HOLD CROW: S&M? MIKE: Crow, no. > BLOOD FLOW TO CPU RESTRICTED TO 75% ALL: Woo-hoo! > REINFORCING NECK REGION TO COMPENSATE... > > Davey's neck begins to expand under Packbell's arms. TOM: Eww! CROW: His head soon followed suit. > The android > notices this: "What the Phrack?" > > BLOOD FLOW STABILIZING > BODY BANK STATUS: TOM: Foreclosed. > FULLY CHARGED > SUGGESTED PLAN: BREAK PACKBELL'S HOLD MIKE: Well, duuuh. CROW: Gee, ya think?! > SUGGESTED ACTION: JACK HIS JAW CROW: Jack his jaw! Thwap it, punch it, smack it! Hit it, even! > PROCESSING... TOM: General protection fault. MIKE: Bad command or file name. CROW: (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail? > > Davey grabbed Packbell's head with both hands, moved that head above > his own, and dropped to his posterior. Davey's head got in the way of > Packbell's jaw. CROW: Guh-fwa? TOM: What just happened there? MIKE: My head hurts. > "OW!" He MIKE: Who? CROW: Wha? > let one arm go to nurse his chin. CROW: Bottle or-- MIKE: [ fake sneeze ] Achoo. CROW: Uh, never mind. > > DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 10% TOM: From one stupid jaw-thwack?! > BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 82% CROW: Right. > SUGGESTED ACTION: SHOULDER TOSS MIKE: Sure thing. > AMPLIFYING PULSE AND ... TOM: We're with you. > PROCESSING... CROW: Uh-huh. > > Davey grabbed Packbell again CROW: Ewwww! MIKE: Crow, just... oh, forget it. > and threw him over his robot shoulder, > landing the droid TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop! > three meters in front of the borg. TOM: We are Cheech and Chong of Borg! Come on! We can assimilate you, and we can smoke all of this bag together! What do you say? Grab the bong! CROW: I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Division is futile. MIKE: I am Ernie of Borg. You will be assimilated into a rubber ducky. > > DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 15% TOM: So when he got hit in the jaw it was 10%, but he got thrown three meters and that's only 5%? CROW: Yeah, and 15% of what?! MIKE: Maybe it really is Redneck Rampage! CROW: More like Duke Nukem 3D. TOM: Or maybe Mortal Kombat. CROW: If only it was Tomb Raider. TOM: [ Homer Simpson ] Mmm... Lara Croft... > BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 75% TOM: And without a single medipack. > SWITCHING TO POWER RIFLE: CROW: Yeah. > TARGETING MODE: MIKE: Okay. > locking on.> TOM: Whatever. > PACKBELL TARGETED... CROW: Get on with it! MIKE: You do realize what you're saying. CROW: Oops. Take your time! > > Davey looked down Packbell through rifle sights, TOM: Oh, nice going, Crow! You jinxed it! CROW: Shut up, bubblehead! > "Deliver me to Sonia > in a pizza box, eh? TOM: [ Davey ] Fine by me! > I can't have that, can I? Maybe I should give her your > head with that perfume?" CROW: Oh, very romantic. A robot head. MIKE: Hey, I gave a robot head to Ginger for her birthday once. TOM: Er... [ Crow and Tom look at Mike and scoot away. ] MIKE: Guys, I was *kidding*. > He them turned to the other three bots. "I may be > new to Mobius, but last time I checked, MIKE: [ Davey ] You're supposed to wear pants on your *legs*. > hazing is a felony." > "H-H-How'd you know?" TOM: [ Davey ] Er, lucky guess? > "About the hazing? Scratch, you're addressing someone with one arm in > cyberspace, MIKE: One arm in Topeka. > one eye in virtual reality! TOM: One eye off and one eye on. > Anything going through Mobius' > Information Superhighway I see and hear omnisciently! CROW: Ahem. Omniscient, adjective. Having universal knowledge or knowledge of all things; infinitely knowing. TOM: Anyone else see a discrepancy here? > Snivley can't even > sneeze without me noticing!! MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, there he goes now! > In fact, I knew where all four of you were the > moment I stepped in here, but I didn't want to make a scene!" ALL: Ri-i-ight. > "Whoa." "If 'Information is Power'. . . " CROW: Davey is wussier than Wesley Crusher? MIKE: I did that one earlier. > "Sacre Bleu Cheez! ALL: [ snicker ] > Hez an TOM: [ Antoine ] Fez! > electronic onmipath!" CROW: Huh, *onmi*path? > "Must be awfully crowded in his head." CROW: Let's just skip this one. > "So you think you're a god, eh?" ALL: [ Davey ] Yes. > Packbell's right arm morphs into a > gun. "Let's see you die and come back in three days!!" ALL: Yes, let's! > "Go lube yourself, Packie!" MIKE: Okay, now this definitely deserves an "Ew". ALL: Ewww! > Davey opened fire, TOM: Hey, when ya play with fire, yer gonna get BURNED!! CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh, FIRE!! > punching a hole in > Packbell's right arm, which MIKE: Shouted, "Owie owie owie!" > flowed back in one piece liquidly. "What the > phrack are you?! The T-1000?!?" TOM: "?!?"? CROW: Better than "_-_". TOM: [ spasms ] > "Who's the T-1000, rookie?" MIKE: It's Mr. T on steroids! TOM: [ Mr. T ] I *pity* the fool who tries to blast *my* arm! > CROW: A word of warning. > WARNING CROW: OK, I'm done. MIKE: Hey, you peeked! > --PACKBELL HAS TARGET LOCK TOM: OK, sure. > SWITCHING POWER RIFLE TO PATRIOT MODE CROW: Hey, yeah, it's "tar-and-feather mode". > > "Never mind. . ." > > Packbell opened with a barrage of laser fire at Davey, but his return > volley took out all of Packbell's shots before they reached a meter. ALL: [ snort ] MIKE: I wish we could figure out something to say besides snorting or snickering. CROW: Well, how 'bout: [ announcer ] And it's a volley to Packbell, who swings his racket, and-- wow! The ball flies past the net and right over Davey's head! MIKE: Good! CROW: Thanks. > ". . . Private joke." CROW: New Joke Lite(tm)! Not funny, but private, and it's better for you! > Packbell was impressed. "Your reaction time is non-existent, Dave. MIKE: Meaning he doesn't react. > Are you perhaps an android like myself?" TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh... I dunno. > "Only that anyone even partially robotic are, Packbell." MIKE: My head *really* hurts. > Davey set the > rifle on a magnetic strap on his holster belt. "But if you think that I was > created artificially, you are dead wrong." Borg TOM: I am Geraldo of Borg. On today's show, people who have been assimilated, and the women who love them. MIKE: I am Popeil of Borg. Get assimilated, while supplies last! CROW: I am Apple Newton of Borg. You w1l1 be assImiIated by an aut0mat1c hendwr1t1ng reoogn1ti0n 5ystam. > and droid charged each > other. "My heart is flesh." CROW: [ Davey ] It's all squishy. > Davey throws a punch into Packbell's guts. > "My spirit, human." An uppercut snaps back the head. TOM: Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots! > "And my mind. . . " > Davey lifts Packbell up high above MIKE: This blade of grass. > his head. "Beyond comprehension!" ALL: YA GOT THAT RIGHT!! > He > throws his victim into Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts. > > CURRENT POWER LEVELS INSUFFICIENT IN MIKE: Heating water to boiling point, then letting potatoes simmer. > NEUTRALIZING THREAT: > MORE POWER REQUIRED. ALL: [ Tim Allen ] More power! > NEAREST SOURCE: CROW: That big waffle over there. TOM: A power socket? MIKE: Ten bucks says he sticks his tongue in it. > SONIC'S POWER RING > > "Sonic," Davey shouts with a headlock on Packbell, "pass the ring!" CROW: [ grunting ] > Sonic reaches for the ring and fades back and forth, trying to find a > good throwing position. "No good, dude, I'm blocked." MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'm made completely of Legos! > "Try for a bank shot . . ." > Looking down, several paths were flashed CROW: Yick! > until one is decided on.> > ". . . Off the fountain, behind Antoine, between Scratch and Grounder, TOM: Over the arches, off Grimace's head... MIKE: Past the Rockies, under New York City... CROW: Up Davey's-- MIKE: CROW! > nothing but TOM: Nothing. > net!" > Sonic throws. CROW: Crow chucks. TOM: Tom tosses. MIKE: Mike messes. ALL: And all alliterate! > Packbell frees himself from Davey's hold. > Off the Fountain. Sonic gets sacked by Scratch. CROW: Sheesh. Sonic sucks in this story! And soon, SuperDavey saves his stupid spines. MIKE: [ claps ] CROW: [ bows ] Thank you, thank you. > Davey gives Packbell > a good hard kick in the crouch. MIKE: [ flinches ] CROW: So Packbell was squatting on the ground, waiting for Davey to kick him? TOM: He didn't actually mean "crouch" with a *u*. CROW: Ohhh. > Every male in the scene holds their own in CROW: Battle. > pain. TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, that was cool. A robot got kicked in the nads, and a bunch of people grabbed their crotch. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, yeah. It'd suck if it was us getting kicked, though. TOM: [ Butthead ] Heh, you got nothing to kick. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, hm, yeh, uh... shut up, dumbass. > Behind Antoine. "Yiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" "I got it!" "No, I got it!" TOM: Eeeyuck!! CROW: That is *disgusting*!! MIKE: Guys, they meant the Power Ring. The *Power* *Ring*! > Davey re-grabs his BOTS: Yuuck!! MIKE: POWER RING!! POWER RING!! > Power MIKE: See? Power Ring! > Rifle. MIKE: Oh. > Between Grounder . . . He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . > Grounder's arm is shot off. CROW: [ flinches ] > . . . and Coconuts. He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . Coconuts' > arm is shot off. TOM: ... and Tom. He can't reach for the ring... BLAM!... Tom's head explodes. MIKE: Don't even joke about that. > Davey scrambles to receive the ring. Packbell tries to block. Davey's > left arm gets in Packbell's face CROW: Man, Davey'd better not say "Bite me" right now! > as the right arm reaches out for the TOM: Baby wipes. MIKE: [ Dr. Peanut ] I could use a lot of these; I just smelled myself. CROW: You do his voice well. > magical golden hoop . . . CROW: You mean the Power Ring? MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions. TOM: I'm having a red emerald flashback. > ". . . and the catch is . . . . . " MIKE: Sucky? > "GOOD!!! ALRIGHT, BIG DADDY!! GO RAMS!! GO RAMS!!!" BOTS: GO RAM IT!! GO RAM IT!! > Nova. Packbell gets thrown back. The sound of a tornado. The fur a > fiery gold. The eyes a blinding CROW: Heh, get it, guys? Eyes? Blind? It's a joke! MIKE, TOM: Yeah, whatever. > white. CROW: The fart a tasty green. TOM: The corpse a bloody red. MIKE: The story a crap-filled brown. > > NECESSARY POWER LEVEL ACHIEVED > TARGETING PACKBELL..... MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, where'd he go? CROW: [ Sonic ] He's right behind you, waiting for you to finish. TOM: > > ALL: [ snort ] CROW: I don't believe this. It actually *is* Mortal Kombat. TOM: He's got the crummy spelling down. CROW: You mean "krummy". MIKE: And the unbelievably stupid characters. CROW: "Kharacters." > A chant of 'FINISH MIKE: The story, for crying out loud! CROW: "Krying". > HIM!' can be heard from the chanting crowd. > "SEE YOU IN HELL, PACKIE!" CROW: [ Packbell ] Not if I see you first. TOM: [ Packbell ] Oh, you will, believe me. > "oh, sh--" MIKE: --ut your trap, Davey? TOM: --oot, I forgot my capital O? CROW: --itake mushrooms? > Davey pulls the trigger. > [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 4a of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 4b of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq40$udo$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672269 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:28:33 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 4b of 9 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Um... MIKE: OK... TOM: Eh? > > Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts went to pieces in a lightning bolt half > a meter wide coming from that rifle. A burst of oil splattered the air in a > 5-meter cubic area. CROW: So Davey used a horizontal line to signify that, what, three seconds had passed? TOM: Something like that. > The crowd goes wild! ALL: [ apathetic ] Yaaay. > "Crockett Wins!!!! FATALITY!!!" TOM: Davey Crockett's Fatalities: The Crummy Fanfic. CROW: The Carnivorous Bunny Rabbit. MIKE: The Balloon Animals of Doom. TOM: The Paper Cut. CROW: The Sissy Slap. MIKE: And That Thing That He Does That Hurts. > "Crockett!!! > Crockett!!! Crockett!!!--" CROW: I'm gonna hurl. > "HOLD IT!!!" The crowd goes silent. MIKE: [ Davey ] I lost my contact lens! > "I missed one." Davey points > upward. TOM: [ splat ] MIKE: [ Davey ] Aah, my eye! > "Whiffer!" MIKE, CROW: Wizzer. > Packbell managed to leap to safety at the last nano-second. > "Man," Davey says through gritted teeth. "This one's good." TOM: Happy Days! MIKE, CROW: Boooo! > "As you are, Crockett!" Packbell fans his smoking rear end. "I > finally found a rebel worthy of my talent. CROW: He's a tennis player? TOM: A circus clown? MIKE: Ooh, I know! He owns a mental home! > We will meet again. . . to sing> MIKE: [ singing ] I'm giving you everything, all that joy can bring, this I swear... TOM: [ singing ] Any time I need to see your face I just close my eyes, and I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine, sweet like a chic-a-cherry-cola... CROW: [ singing ] MMMBop, dingy-dingy-dingy-dong, MMMBop, ooby-dooby-dibby- dabba... > . . . Davey, Davey Crockett, King of the ALL: CRAP!!! > Cyber Frontier. . . " > Packbell disappears from sight as Lutherain lands on Davey's shoulder. TOM: And picks him up to feed to his children back at the nest. MIKE: That's eagles. > *The one thing about that one, his ruthlessness knows no bounds. Don't > worry, you'll get another chance* CROW: *Yikes*! He's screaming now! MIKE: No, those are the new delimiters for telepathy. > *I'm counting on it, Luth.* Davey acknowledges the crowd. > "Da Winner, and New Champeen--Davey 'The Cyberfox' Crockett!!!" Sonic > gives him a high-five. TOM: Doesn't he only have four fingers? CROW: Actually, Sonic and Tails have five fingers, but everyone else has four. TOM: Oh. Thanks for the info, fanboy. CROW: Oh, well, that's quite all--HEY!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM: That was the longest page so far. CROW: Maybe the next one will be smaller. > Page 10 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Er, a big fat hen. > > Snivley saw the whole battle from his unbelievably large chair BOTS: How big was it?! MIKE: Unbelievably big! > in the > Robotroplis MIKE: Well, back to this again. > control room, including the onrushing lightning bolt that was TOM: Rayden's Fatality. > the last thing Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts saw. CROW: Breezy? MIKE, TOM: Huh? CROW: Never mind. > The monitors they used > to occupy are just white noise now. CROW: I think I have one of their CDs. > "Good Riddance," Snively said, shutting them off. TOM: I'll go along with that. > Then he turns to a CROW: Chicken, I tell you! A giant *chicken*!! > panel with a variety of levers and buttons labeled "Roboticizer Override." > He strums his fingers on it for a while. MIKE: [ whistles Turkey in the Straw ] > "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Decapitation is always nice. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > Packbell took out whatever was the garbage man--I think it was a bear- TOM: Geez, the author's not even TRYING anymore! > with a head shot CROW: [ photographer ] That's great! Work with me, baby! Now a head shot... > and rummaged through the trash collectibles, throwing out > oil-soaked limbs of metal until he got to three CPU cards, MIKE: He misspelled M:TG. TOM: I counter. > one for each of > the three bots destroyed by Davey's super power shot. MIKE, CROW: Red Dragon Thunderzord Power! Hee hee... > The three chips were > barely functional, with a red LCD light flashing on and off showing that it CROW: Needs a coffee refill. > still has a glimmer of life back in it. TOM: Yeah, way back there, in the-- yeah, right there, see that shiny dot? That's a glimmer of life. Ri-i-ight. > "What am I going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Then again, a nice powerful poison would really do the trick. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > When Davey gave Sonia the gift package of perfume, the girl hedgehog > thought that it was the nicest thing that ever happened to her. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Except for that great dream I had about Packbell blasting Davey with a black laser. > But then > she got close and smelled ALL: Umm... > android stench. TOM: From Chanel. > She growled in rage, "What am I > going to do with you, Mr. Crockett?" MIKE: Of course, you just can't beat the power of an AK-47. CROW: Is this repetition supposed to be funny? > "Yes, Honey," Davey said with a fake whine. "I had to fight with that > son of a MIKE: [ covers Crow's eyes and Tom's... uh... dome ] TOM: Hey! CROW: What? > bot, MIKE: Oh. Never mind. [ He moves his hands. ] > but I won, I'll tell you." TOM: Ah gar-on-tee! > "Dammit!" She pounds on Davey's roboticized part of his breast. BOTS: Ewww! CROW: He's got a robot breast?! > "Dammit-Dammit-Dammit!!! Why, you psycho fox?! He could have killed you!! > Why?!?" CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why did you have to survive?! > "He didn't kill me, Suni, as you can see. MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] I know! Why not?! > Packbell must've burned you > badly, didn't he?" > "You don't know the half of it," Sonia collapses in tears into that > chest. Her mind races back. ALL: Go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go, Mind Racer, go! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! > > Brent. TOM: Brent Stonebutt. MIKE: Brent Stinkchest. CROW: Brent Rockgroin. > > Brent and me, CROW: What? TOM: Huh? MIKE: Oh, remember how Packbell was narrating a while ago? Now I think Sonia's talking. TOM: Thinking. CROW: [ at the same time as Tom ] Suni. MIKE: Whatever. > hiking to MIKE: Taco Bell! > Knothole. MIKE: That was my second guess. > > Brent and I being ambushed by Packbell. TOM: Pow! To the moon, Sonia! CROW: Suni. TOM: Whatever! > > Brent taking the fatal blow ment MIKE: --os freshness! > for me. > > Brent's last 'I love you'. CROW: Brent's fatal wedgie. > > Brent's last 'good-bye'. TOM: Brent's last "I let one". MIKE: Brent's last "Beef Chunkbuns". CROW: Brent's last "bite me". > > Brent's lifeless hand... CROW: Is it green and moldy? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo woo!! MIKE: OK, that's more than enough of that. > > "That bastard's already killed every one of my loves, except you. I don't TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Love you, though. > want him to take you away too, Daviiie." MIKE: This fanfic is brought to you by the letters "I". > As Sonia sobs, Davey's mind flashes to a file he has in his RAM on her. CROW: He's been ramming her? MIKE: Crow! Yech! > It concerns a deceased squirrel named TOM: Hmm. Gee, lemme guess... Could it possibly be "Brent"? > Brent TOM: Aha! Brent! I told you! CROW: Wow, let's sign Tommy Boy up for the Psychic Network! > Packbell. BOTS: Su-u-ure. > He was as close to > Suni as Davey is now, MIKE: Yeah, see, just a couple of inches. > and the two were scheduled to be CROW: Ambushed by Packbell. No, wait! I meant, uh... > engaged CROW: Yeah, that's it! > when they > were journeying to Knothole to join Princess Sally's Freedom Fighters. Yet, > sadly, TOM: This fanfic was created. > that same android Davey just stared down attacked the couple en > route, and Brent was killed in the battle. > Suni just seemed to wilt afterward. She was very anti-social during CROW: Her entire life. > that time. Even Lutherain had trouble reaching her, and he's a telepath. TOM: Oh, yeah, Mr. High-and-Mighty Telepath! > It was not before this cyborg CROW: Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated you will be! Futile resistance is, hmm? MIKE: I am Intel of Borg. You will be assimilated, but because other cybernetic entities have cloned us and done a better job of assimilating than we have, you will be renamed to Feablemystra Pro so we can trademark the name. TOM: I am Priest of Borg. Assimilate for your sins. > human that followed Sally home, BOTS: Can we keep him? MIKE: Who would want to? > who was TOM: Old, ugly, fat, and unliked universally. > destined to become the tall orange fox who is Davey Crockett, TOM: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Past. Who was? MIKE: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Present. Who is? CROW: I am the Ghost of Fanfic Future. Bite me. > when Boometia > Sonia Madilyn Hedgehog ALL: [ snort, snicker, chuckle ] MIKE: Oh, give me a break! TOM: "Boometia"?! CROW: No wonder she uses her middle name! > allowed her heart to trust anyone again. "I don't > know what you did to her but I can greatly appreciate it, David," Princess > Sally once said on the subject. "There seems to be a weight that lifts when > she's around you." MIKE: And then *slams* down over and over and over and over again!! > Davey held his temperamental CROW: --spazzy, annoying, irritating, mood-swinging-- > girlfriend tenderly and whispered into her > ear. "I was almost killed by somebody worse than Packbell in my world, and > I lived to tell about it. What makes you think that any bot, borg CROW: I am Cochrane of Borg. You will be assimilated, even if it won't fit. TOM: I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg. Liberals will be assimilated. MIKE: We are Doug and Bob McKenzie of Borg. You will be assimilated, then hosed, and then we'll all have a beer, eh? > , or droid TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop! > with a gun and an attitude can finish me off?" BOTS: We wish! > "D-David, I must know, d-do you like MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham? > me?" > "Of, course I like you, Sonia." CROW: [ Davey ] You suck, but everyone sucks except me, and you suck less than others do. > "No, not like that. I m-m-mean . . . do you really . . . like MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Ham? > me?" > "Oh," Davey pondered. CROW: [ Davey ] Ding! All done. MIKE: Guys? I think we need to talk. > His mind goes back to the times that he tried to > get a girlfriend, but due to his crappy social status on Earth, TOM: Ya got that right! CROW: About what? > no one of > the fairer sex wanted to be near him. CROW: Ya got that right too! MIKE: About our riffs on Davey. TOM: What? > All the good ones were taken by the > handsome, the strong, the lucky. CROW: Which he was not. MIKE: You're not listening. TOM: You want us to go easy on Davey? MIKE: Well, just a bit. > All that was left for him was the > wallflowers and the weirdos. CROW: Madonna! TOM: RuPaul! MIKE: Guys, c'mon. CROW: Why? MIKE: Well, we're being kind of harsh on him! I mean-- > Like the one who wanted him for sex and sex > alone; [ Everyone stares; for a few moments, no one speaks. Mike chuckles, then snickers, then bursts into laughter. The bots soon follow suit. ] > when he said that sex before marriage was just not his thing, she > dumped him and cried 'rape' on him. [ Everyone is still laughing loudly. ] > He's sell his soul to the devil for a > girl to say what Suni just said, honestly and without manipulation. [ Finally, Mike & the bots calm down. ] MIKE: Hoo boy! CROW: Oh man! TOM: Just when I thought this fanfic could NOT get any sillier! MIKE: OK, just forget what I was saying earlier. CROW: Done and done! > Fortunately for him, he had a discount in the offer; his soul didn't need to > be on the bargaining table-- MIKE: Satan rejected it anyway! CROW: [ deep, evil voice ] Excellent... I have taught you well. > just his left arm, and the dealer was a > squirrel. "Sonia, my dear. I have never had a girlfriend in seven years. MIKE: What, he had a girlfriend until he was a teenager? TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Maybe there's a reason for it, know what I mean, nudge nudge, *stink* *stink*?! > Trust me on this: CROW: [ Nixon ] I am not a crook. > It's love. I might be a little too quick CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Yeah, especially in-- [ Crow doesn't finish. Mike elbows him in the beak, spinning his head around and around... ] MIKE: Never ever *EVER* make a joke like that again. TOM: Eeugh! > on this--" > Suni looked into his eyes and began to MIKE: Puke! > sparkle--all over her body. The > stardust began to surround him too, lifting them up in the air. A 'poof,' TOM: And who caused this poof? ALL: The Amazing Rando! > and then, Sonia was dressed up as ALL: Elvis! > a medieval princess, cone hat and all. CROW: [ monotone ] We are Conehats. We come from France. > Davey's clothes were changed too, into something that resembled what King > Acorn wore. TOM: A nice pink ballet tutu. > "The Stardusrince," CROW: Gesundheit? MIKE: Actually, no. > Sonia said, the word flowing like the water off a MIKE: Anything to say, Crow? CROW: Uh, well, no. > water > fall."It means TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Bite Me. CROW: Oh, really original. TOM: Three words. "Pot". "Kettle". "Black". CROW: If Mike wasn't between us, you'd be scrap metal. > 'Love Dance'. You, Davey Crockett, ALL: [ singing ] King of the CRAP Frontier! > courier of the Royal House > of Acorn, MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Really suck. > have won my heart. TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] At a carnival game. > I, Commadress Wizard Boometia Sonia Madylin of MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] The People with Moronic Names Club. > the Regal House of TOM: Stuff. CROW: Thingies. > Hedgehog, MIKE: Oh, *Spiny* Thingies. > love you with all my heart, soul, and body." CROW: And waffles. MIKE: And neck brace. TOM: And butt. CROW: And silly first name. MIKE: And... oh, ah, pass. TOM: And caramel Twixes. > Neither one could stand MIKE: So they both fell down. > the tention CROW: Hey, Mike, what's fivetion plus fivetion? MIKE: I guess tention. CROW: You're welcome! Wait, that doesn't work... > at the moment. TOM: So... MIKE: [ falls over ] CROW: Wha? MIKE: Sorry. Couldn't stand the tension. CROW: D'oh! > Davey brought Suni up TOM: From when she was just a child. > with lighting speed CROW: Blacklight? TOM: Flourescent? > and pressed his mouth against hers. CROW: Eeeww!! TOM: Hide me!! MIKE: This is almost as bad as that scene in "The Eye of Argon" with the fat guy and the babe. CROW: I still don't understand how she could be slender and busty at once! > His warm lips > encased her own, MIKE: Yep, this *is* the scene in "The Eye of Argon". > filling her being CROW: Oh, a self-service station of lo-o-ove! > with TOM: Sausage patties! MIKE: Egg McMuffins! > joy and excitement. TOM: And sausage patties. MIKE: And Egg McMuffins. > Never have > either of them kissed like this! CROW: Y'know, you could leave out the last two words and that sentence would still be totally accurate! MIKE: Hm. TOM: True. > Only pure love could house such a > passionate embrace. MIKE: But Motel 6 comes darned close. > Energy flowed from this kiss, soft and tender. [ A glowing yellow blob of something bounces into the theater. ] TOM: What's that? MIKE: [ takes the blob ] Well, it's soft and tender. My guess? Flowing energy. > Oh, how > they wish to let all of Mobius melt away just for the two lovebirds to stay > like this forever, in each others arms and thoughts... MIKE: It kinda gets you right here. [ points to his heart ] CROW: Yeah, it's getting me right about here! [ points to his stomach (or where it would be, if he was human) ] > Despite the fact that > Sally entered the scene to ask for Davey again. She had the manners to wait > for the lovebirds to pry themselves off each other CROW: You get the feeling that this is... oh, I dunno... wrong? TOM: In many ways, my friend. Many ways. > this time. Besides, > Davey flashed "Can it wait, Sal?" on his holographic monitor. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > MIKE: [ high-pitched ] I must run away! CROW: Huh? MIKE: You know, "Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan"? CROW: Nope. MIKE: "Bricks of Fury"? CROW: Nuh-uh. MIKE: Haven't you ever seen Bill Nye? CROW: No. MIKE: You don't know what you're missing. TOM: [ Billy Quan ] Remember, kids--be like Billy! Know your momentum! [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 4b of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 5a of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq5m$udu$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672277 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:29:26 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 5a of 9 [ INT SOL. Mike is examining a large machine vaguely resembling an Apple ][. Crow and Tom look on. ] TOM: Since when are you such a mechanical expert? MIKE: I took a Sally Struthers correspondence course. Hammer? CROW: Hammer... hammer... [ Crow reaches over, grabs Tom by the head, and hands him to Mike. ] Here ya go. MIKE: Thanks. [ Mike pounds at the machine for a moment and then notices Tom. ] Ack! [ drops Tom ] TOM: Ouch! CROW: Hee hee. MIKE: Very funny, Crow. [ tinkers some more ] Wrench? [ Without a word, Tom grabs Crow's arm with his mouth, wrenches it off, and gives it to Mike. ] CROW: Yeow! MIKE: Thanks. [ twists a screw ] Aack! [ drops Crow's arm ] TOM: Hee hee. MIKE: OK, guys, just stop it. TOM: So what *is* this?! MIKE: Well, I've been thinking about Davey C down there. Sounds like he's going to try to take over the universe. CROW: So? MIKE: So we've got to stop him before he starts, and this machine will do just that. TOM: And you built this all on your own? MIKE: Well, the nanites helped a little. They made the actual parts using molecules from around the ship. [ Crow suddenly falls down behind the counter with a CRACK sound. ] CROW: Like from the floor, for example? MIKE: Well, yeah. TOM: So what's it do? MIKE: First of all, it prevents-- [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] ALL: DAVEY SIGN!! MIKE: Darn it. [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 11 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Nowhere near heaven. TOM: How long're ya gonna keep that up? MIKE: As long as I can keep finding rhymes. > > Davey was somewhat disappointed when he saw that his hut appeared to be > near completion. TOM: [ Davey ] I wanna keep staying in Sonia's hut. CROW: Suni. TOM: Whatever. > He really wanted to help in the construction. "Hey, my > friend," CROW: Oh, and there's Davey too. > Cadmen Coon ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Ah yes, David Gonterman, Lord of Freaky Weird Names. TOM: Well, what do you expect from a "Gonterman"? > said from the roof. CROW: So is he a raccoon or a dog? TOM: Huh? CROW: "Roof". MIKE: Oh. > "It's no problem for us. You've > been doin' more with your built-in 24-hour Internet Access than anything we > can hack out by hand." TOM: Of course, log-on time is horrendous! > "Yeah," Bear added, who just leapt down from above, landing behind > Davey. "Even with help." CROW: [ Bear ] Boo. > "YIIIIIIIII!!!!" ALL: WAAAAAAAAAUGH!! CROW: I didn't mean it! MIKE: Geez, Davey, calm down! > Davey jumped straight up ten feet. TOM: Yeah, three inches at a time. > "My oh my, David. > You're kinda jumpy today. I've never expected you to have 'outsider moods' CROW: He's in the outsider mood. > this soon." > Davey paused for breath. TOM: [ loud gasping ] > "Sorry, Bear. I'm just not used to working [ pause ] CROW: Oh, there's, ah, no period. > with a team. I must confess to being a loner of sorts." MIKE: [ Davey ] People scream and run when they see me approaching. > "'Team?' Why Davey, the way these people welcome folks, you'll end up TOM: [ Bear ] Dead within days! > thinking they're family in a month. Where's Bunnie?" CROW: Oh, she went to go kill her parents for screwing up royally naming her. > "Good news, Bear," Mighty said. "The test on her was successful. She > was at Rotor's when I went by . . ." > "Successful? You mean?" TOM: [ Mighty ] Yeah, I'm not sure either. > "Come with me, son." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Oh my god! This fanfic's a flatliner! > > As Davey and Bear walked to Rotor's hut, they talked at length about > Davey's social life on Earth. BOTS: Or lack thereof. > Or rather, the lack of one. BOTS: Hey! > "It seemed that > I have been but CROW: Yeah, he's been butt all right. > on that mudball to piss of as many people as possible. MIKE: Umm... TOM: Hm. > Sooner or later, I'll say something or do something that will offend > somebody. MIKE: It's like he's saying this for our benefit. > I'm sure hat MIKE: [ Davey ] Yes, my hat is very confident in itself. > I'll get some of you Mobians mad at me eventually." > "Well, piss off the right people; the ALL: MSTies!! > bad guys." TOM: Same diff. > "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, here. However, on my home world, MIKE: [ Davey ] We consume mass quantities of peanut butter. CROW: [ Davey ] Anyone different is shot. TOM: [ Davey ] Socks are plentiful the world over! > I keep trying to keep myself from losing what few friends I had. > Unfortunately, that means keeping to myself, like MIKE: Michael Jackson! TOM: John Vandermeulen! CROW: Who? > those bears you've named > after." > "True. But in my years, CROW: There are numbers. > and believe me, they are plenty, TOM: [ Bear ] Yep, I'm an old fart and I'm proud! > I found out > that even bears need other people every now and then, otherwise they just go MIKE: [ Bear ] Slaughter a city or two. > nuts. These are good people, these Freedom Fighters, and you are a BOTS: Geek! > much > better person than you give yourself credit for. TOM: Well, he'd have to be! > They will become your > family, David, if you would open up MIKE: Ow! That'd be painful! > and let them. I think you know that > already, by what you're doing to Sonia." ALL: EEEEEEWWW!!! > "Hmm. I suppose." TOM: 3x plus 7 could be equal to 6x minus 10! > Bear put his paw on Davey's shoulder. CROW: And attached it with a staple gun. MIKE: > "If you ever need someone to > talk to, don't be afraid MIKE: [ Bear ] To zark off! > to see me, okay?" The two stopped by Rotor's hut. > "Thanks, Bear." > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Really boring paper dolls/stick figures. > > From a distance, Bunnie Buns, CROW: Ack! MIKE: Gag! TOM: Barf! > a.k.a. Bunnie Rabbot, MIKE: Let's just stick with that, OK? TOM: Please? > looked as if she > was never been roboticized, CROW: [ laughing ] "Was never been roboticized"?! > but as you looked real close, CROW: [ laughing harder ] "As you looked real close"?! > you will see the CROW: [ nearly in hysterics ] "As you looked, you will see"?? TOM: [ megaphone ] This is the Grammar Police! We have your web site surrounded! Come out with your word processor up! Resistance is really irritating! > hinges and pivot rings that are the tell-tale signs of CROW: [ mostly recovered ] Years of bondage. MIKE: Crow... > roboticization, only TOM: Painted purple! > a lot more subtle. MIKE, TOM: Unlike Crow! CROW: Hey. > She was frozen in a position where she was CROW: Er... I think I'll just let that one slide. > taking her > pulse in her roboticized arm. MIKE: Do robots have pulses? CROW: I dunno. [ He holds out his arm. ] MIKE: [ He takes Crow's arm. ] Hmm, nothing. TOM: What about me? MIKE: Er, how do you take the pulse of a spring? > Her copiously crying eyes just stare blankly. [ all in a monotone, quickly, one after another: ] MIKE: I like melons. CROW: Cheese is good. TOM: String tastes funny. MIKE: Hooray for socks. TOM: I can do the splits. CROW: Frogs smell bad. > "She just found her pulse and froze like that," Rotor tried to explain > while shaking TOM: His booty. CROW: [ pirate ] Arr arr arr! > her. "I can't seem to wake her up." > Bear and Davey glanced at each other. BOTS: [ Bear, Davey ] What a moron. > "She must be in shock." MIKE: TOM: [ babbles ] > "Yeah, > or by what I call it, TOM: Syntho-Flavo-Shock! MIKE: Don't forget the Five. TOM: Oh, silly me. > 'Systems Lock-Up.'" "You say that as if we can just > re-boot her and she'll be fine." CROW: Ooh, pick me! I'll boot her! > "Sure thing, Bear. Here's how:" CROW: You take two strawberry Pop-Tarts, put them in a toaster, get a heavy glove... > Davey grabbed an empty bucket, filled it up with water, and threw it at > Bunnie. Splash! MIKE: Clang! TOM: Splat! CROW: Crunch! TOM: Kaboom! CROW: Whack! MIKE: Thunk! CROW: MIKE: Crow!! > "Aaachk! Sppputtt! H-Hey! What the hoo-hah!?! Oooooh, Ah'm all wet! > How'd ah . . . " > "Bunnie, you're back." > "What do ya mean, Ro--" She pointed with her left arm. CROW: With her middle finger on that arm. > "Oh, ah > must've found mah pulse on this arm and . . . MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Bunnie Rabbot has her thumb on the pulse of--well, her arm. What'd you think? CROW: I think Davey has some sort of blood fetish. MIKE: Crow... > ah must've drifted a mile > away, Sugar." TOM: That's "Sugah". CROW: Tom, shut up. > "I take it you couldn't find your pulse in that arm for quite a while, > didn't you, Bunnie?" MIKE: [ ominously ] Her arm fell asleep one day and *never* *woke* *up*. CROW: Sounds like a tale someone's mother would tell. > "Why sho', Davey Dear. It's been three years since Ah got chuck int' > th' Roboticizer. CROW: [ Bunnie ] An' let me tell ya, Chuck sure did squirm! > Sonic shut that durn thang ALL: [ singing ] Shake yer groove thang, shake yer groove thang, yeah yeah! > off mid-way. Oh mah stars, if > not for these small grooves, Ah'd think ah was TOM: Elvis! > cured!" > "Why don't ya just say that you are TOM: Elvis! > cured, Bunnie? MIKE: [ Bunnie ] Um, because I'm not? CROW: David Gonterman. The Lord of Fanfic Self-Insertion, Angst, and Denial. > That bio-genetic > limbs you've got now is identical in nature to the body you were born with." CROW: Except for the DSS remote surgically attached to your armpit. > "Are you thinking what Ah'm thinking, Davey Dear?" MIKE: [ Pinky ] I think so, Bunnie, but... well, Bill Clinton and Katie Couric? It just wouldn't work out. > "We show your new bod to th' public MIKE: That has *got* to be illegal. > next time we fight the Badniks." > "And when Snivley looks at littl' ol' me and finds out about all this." TOM: Shouldn't that be an ellipsis? MIKE: Tom, we're 11 "pages" into the story. Why start now? > She struck a pose. TOM: Rabbit of the Apocalypse? MIKE, CROW: Huh? TOM: I dunno. It just came to me. > "The Quicktime Video of that pusbag crapping his pants TOM: Ewww! MIKE: Eeegh! CROW: Davey, keep your fantasies to yourself! MIKE: CROW!! > will be as > priceless as the Simpson murder cartoon!" > "Ooooooo, Davey Dear, you can be a devil at times!" TOM: More like *the* Devil. CROW: Well, he's no Ned Flanders. > Davey smiles mischievously with a chuckle that will strike fear in that > ersatz despot mentioned. CROW: Vocab word! Vocab word! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 12 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Um... well... er... for content we delve. CROW: You're really reaching. MIKE: Who asked you? > > Red on Black TOM: Jay and Kay? > eyes stare at countless monitors. CROW: Oh, come on. One, two, three. There, was that so hard? MIKE: Well, it did take Capcom years to get to three from two. > A chubby finger points at a fox figure climbing debris. TOM: [ owner of said finger ] I want him for my next husband. > "Snivley, is this the one you've been telling me about?" > "Yes, Doctor, MIKE: Animals vill be bred und slaughtered! CROW: Actually, I wouldn't put that past this guy. > he's Davey Crockett, the newest Freedom Fighter who's > causing such a ruckus as of late." > "Hmmm, Interesting. CROW: [ Mindy ] Why? > I've read his file. . .his cunning and > resourcefulness matches my own. TOM: Grammar flame! The singular verb doesn't match the plural subject! > Davey steps into a spotlight. MIKE: Buck Sidebroth! CROW: Punt Steakbeef! TOM: Crunch Slabaroni! MIKE: Bolt Blastgroin! CROW: Big Brickbody! TOM: Blast Deadman! MIKE: Crunch Thornbuns! CROW: Fridge Slamrod! TOM: Dick Beeflift! > "Stop the presses! MIKE: Or else! > His arm! And those eyes! TOM: Your eyes are like limpid pools of blood. > And this record of his! CROW: [ Neptune Man ] Hey, Davey has my record! Give it back! > . . . He the mirror image of myself, in a way. TOM: [ Robotnik? ] He have got grammar crappier than I! > I like him already! MIKE: [ Robotnik? ] Well, except for the fact that he destroys all of my robots. Other than that, he's really neat! > Hahahahaha!" MIKE: No, no, no, it's "Bwah-hahahahaha!" > As Robotnik laughed, silvery liquid seeped from his left roboticized > arm. ALL: Ewwwy! MIKE: Ivo's infected! TOM: Pus! Yuck! > Packbell quickly TOM: Became nauseous. > placed a pan underneath the drip. CROW: [ Robotnik ] Hey, how'd Davey get in *here*?! > Robotnik leaned forward. "So, Davey Crockett, Mr. King of the Cyber > Frontier--heh-heh. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, he said "frontier". TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, he said "lean", too. CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, lean to. Heh-heh-heh. > What have you been doing lately?" MIKE: The tango! > "HE'S BEEN DOIN' THIS, ROBUTTNIK!!" ALL: We don't want to know. > "Gazooks!!!!" CROW: The wish-granting green man? TOM: Gazooks shmazooks. > "It's Bunnie!" "Her arm!!!" MIKE: It's-- all together now: ALL: Green and moldy!! TOM: Man, we just take a joke and stretch it until it snaps! MIKE: Aaugh! CROW: There goes the arm joke. > All three gasped as Bunnie Buns ALL: [ shout out "No" repeatedly ] > jumped into the camera as she pumped > her formerly roboticized left arm TOM: What, now it's real again? MIKE: No, but "Davey-kins" can't tell the difference. > over her right in an two-armed obscene > gesture. MIKE: Oddly enough, she was facing Davey. CROW: I wouldn't call that "odd". > Five seconds later, the monitor flashed blue, TOM: Courtesy of the Amazing Rando! > then cut to white > noise. CROW: Green Jelly is cooler, though. > The "'Hedgehog--Priority One' when lit" lamp ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Throwing objects at the lamp will *not* get you more Hedgehog--Priority One! TOM: Aaugh, we got Hedgehog--Priority One sign! > flashed loudly. CROW: Here we go again with the "light makes noise". > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED! RESISTANCE WILL BE FUTILE!" CROW: I am Intel of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated. Running integration process... *bzzt* Division by zero error. Operation aborted. MIKE: Ich bin Fritz von Borg. Widerstand ist zwecklos! TOM: I am Q of Borg. Now you're *really* in trouble! > Davey shouted > his battle cry ALL: [ Sailor Moon ] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! > as he leapt into the fray, with a blazing rifle in each arm. > "Wow-whee, Big Daddy!" CROW: Eeeyuck. > Bunnie cheered as her limbs morphed from skin to > metal. "Show me that there mean streak of yars, sugah!!" CROW: I'm starting to get scared, Mike. MIKE: Don't worry. We'll break soon. > Sonic bounded in and out of the scene, careening on every Swat he sees. ALL: Boingy, boingy, boingy! > "Let's dance rustbuckets, and I don't mean polka!" MIKE: [ imitates accordion ] BOTS: No! NO! *NOO*!! > "In fact," Sally sprang up to slingshot a paint pellet into a bot's > eye, CROW: Oh, my eye! TOM: Oh, my... dome. > "I believe that Davey here has some appropriate music for this ball. MIKE: Beethoven? > A > little of that metal band you've told me about, please?" CROW: Bach? > "A very fine choice, My Princess." Davey pushed some keys. TOM: Handel? > The rhythm guitar of the Earth band Metallica ALL: Nooo! MIKE: For a "ball"?! TOM: Ga-a-ag!! CROW: Give me a break! > blared from some of the > Monitor Orbs MIKE: Hey, there's Cambot! TOM: He's just popping up in all sorts of fanfics! > that happened to be floating by. CROW: Recording three geniuses' comments. TOM: Well, two, anyway. MIKE, CROW: Hey! TOM: Hee hee. > Sally heard of that band when > Davey joined in a bonfire, CROW: [ Beavis ] FIRE!! Heh-heh-heh! TOM: [ chanting ] Burn him! Burn him! > and mistook a Mobian folk song for "Nothing Else > Matters," one of this bands ballads. MIKE: So she thought a Mobian song was an Earth song. BOTS: Seems that way. MIKE: I hate this fanfic. > The lyrics sung-- MIKE: [ singing ] Don't send in the clowns... don't send in the clowns... don't send in the clowns... CROW: [ Zorak ] They always get me down. > So close, but ever so > far/Never guess just how from the start/Forever trust in who we are/And > nothing else matters--were quite haunting. BOTS: [ ghost noises ] OooooOOOOOOoooooo.... > This song being played now was > about war's effect on the environment MIKE: To sum up the arguments: "not good". > and was entitled, "Blackened." She > would've liked that song despite the guitars sounding like a swarm of killer > bees CROW: Well, guys, we better get buzy! BOTS: Hee hee... > and vocals that can melt tofu. ALL: [ singing ] Killer Tofu-u-u!! > Unfortunately, she couldn't hear the > words over the sound of robot heads exploding. MIKE: No, Tom! > "Okay, Sonic. I've just got info-dumped TOM: Ewww... > that we've got Robotnik's > attention. Go to Act Two." CROW: Level One, Act Two: Green Hill Zone. TOM: FANBOY! > Sonic broke away, Tails follows. The other four paired up: Sally with > Bunnie and Davey with Antoine. CROW: Shouldn't it be male/female pairs? MIKE: Crow... CROW: Finish your sentences. TOM: And then they meet up with Jonathan Brisby IV! MIKE, CROW: Nooooooooo!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh... it's a stick. Heh-heh-heh. > > An extendable robotic arm darts in and out, knocking out badniks one by > one. It grabs hold of the last one. ALL: Crunch! > "Git ovah heah!!" TOM: Stereotypical accent attack! MIKE: Women, small children, and temps first! BOTS: Hey! > Bunnie yanks that last bot in close, CROW: [ bot ] Oh yeah... ohhh yeah... > right into a bionic dropkick. CROW: [ bot ] D'oh. > "Something Ah picked up from Davey, Sally Girl." TOM: [ Bunnie ] The measles. Want some? > She looks at the > robot head she's still holding, which has been removed from the body MIKE: What, does Davey think we're too stupid to figure that out on our own? > and > dripping oil. "Ewww, gross, Ah didn't wanna pick up the 'oil effects.' CROW: A new Photoshop filter. > Hey, check this out, Princess. This heah's TOM: What's a "heah"? > a new model." MIKE: It's a new model, I guess. > "You're right, Bunnie. CROW: [ Sally ] That's the most new model heah I've ever seen. > I was wondering what Snivley's been doing > lately. He was MIKE: Stuck on the 17th level of Crash Bandicoot 2. > designing new badniks." MIKE: Well, yeah, after he got tired of getting stung by the bees. > As if to prove her point, MIKE: Snively threw his Playstation out the window. > another Swat appeared; this one with heat > laser for one arm. CROW: And for the other arm, a waffle iron. > A paint pellet caused that laser to overload, setting > the bot on fire. MIKE: Oh, yeah, one pellet blows a bot to bits. CROW: So Robotnik ends up being defeated by a game of paintball? TOM: It takes more than paint to defeat me! > The two ladies has to get 25 meters between themselves > from this robot torch BOTS: Huh? MIKE: At this point, the proofreader throws up his or her hands and says, "That's it, I give up." > before the fuel systems ignite, exploding the bot in a > fireball. CROW: [ shouting ] Ha-do-ken!! > Suddenly, a dark shadow passed above them. They looked up. And > gasped. TOM: And fragmented their sentences. MIKE: And forgot to use nouns. > "Oh mah stars, Sally. You weren't kidding." CROW: [ Sally ] I wasn't? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dave zigged when he should've zagged, and that ran him right into an > alley of-- MIKE: Jello! TOM: Dirt! CROW: Intestines! > "Worker Bots!! ALL: Oh. > Crud!" > Over a hundred robot cats, dogs, foxes, rabbits, and other fauna said > in unison, TOM: SLEEEEEP! > "SURRENDER FREEDOM FIGHTER ON ORDER FROM ROBOTNIK," and advanced > like zombies. MIKE: [ holds his arms out zombie-like ] > Antoine yelped in fright. TOM: Yipe yipe yipe yipeyipeyipe... > "You cannot deztroy theez, Misu Crockett!" CROW: Did he just say "Miss Crockett"? > Davey backed his partner back into the street. "Maybe I don't have to, > Ant. MIKE: [ Davey ] I'll just chop off their heads and--no, wait. > Time to break out the EMP mode." MIKE: Elephants Mash Plants! TOM: Eat My Pants! CROW: Every Man Poopies! TOM: Ewww! > Davey switched rifles to phasers, CROW: To squirt guns! > setting each to Electromagnetic Pulse. ALL: Oh. MIKE: I like "Eat My Pants" better. > Antoine did the same with his one > phaser. "This is a great opportunity to beta test TOM: HomeSite 3.0. > Rotor's idea." > The two returned to the mecha undead TOM: And now SLEEEEEP! MIKE: It's a mecha-undead-load of savings at Menard's! > and opened fire. Within moments half > of the crowd fell down stunned, CROW: It's a fanfic ray! MIKE: How cruel! Not even robots should be subjected to such torture! BOTS: "NOT EVEN" ROBOTS? MIKE: I meant not even *evil* robots. > the rest took cover behind the fallen ones. > "It works, mon ami. Zey are down, but zey are not out!" > Knowing that this wave of bots is kept at bay, the two decided to turn > and run to their rondeaux point, TOM: "Rondeaux"?! MIKE: Maybe it's "rendezvous". > Uncle Chuck's hidden lab in Robotroplis, > where Sonic and Tails ran off to. They rounded the corner. TOM: With a wood rasp? > And called out to their respective gods. CROW: Yes? MIKE: Crow, you're no god. > Now, if it were a perfect world, ALL: WE WOULDN'T BE HERE NOW!!! > Antoine and Davey would ask each other CROW: Out on a date! > about who's name they have just used as a part prayer, part cuss word, since TOM: What? > they have never heard of the person the other one shouted out loud: MIKE: I don't get it. > "Destiny? Who the phrack's Destiny?" "I am wondering just who ees zis > Jesus Christ person, yes?" MIKE: Oh. CROW: "What do you mean by 'Roll Fizzlebeef'?" > Unfortunately, ALL: We *are* here now. > discussions on religion will have > to wait, ALL: Woohoo! > because Davey Crockett and Antoine DeCollette were staring up a > giant robotic gargoyle, MIKE: Who quickly kills them. The end. > twenty feet tall with a thirty feet wingspan. CROW: Which kills them. The end. > And > impervious to Electromagnetic Pulse shots. TOM: So it kills them, the end. > "Damn. Where's Xanatos when you need him?" Davey ad-libbed CROW: Ours are better. > as he > grabbed a petrified Antoine and booked. MIKE: Oh, he's busy beating up Nimnul. CROW: Waugh! TOM: Aaack! MIKE: Sorry. [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 5a of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 5b of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq6e$ul2$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672285 To: mne...@engin.umich.edu X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:29:50 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 5b of 9 > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > The hedgehog, with two-tailed fox in tow, made a beeline MIKE: Come on, Sonic, get buzy! TOM: [ snicker ] > for Uncle > Chuck's hidden base, blowing past any bot unfortunate enough to be in CROW: This fanfic. > between them and their destination. > Sonic did a bird call, which was answered. TOM: With a bird poop. MIKE: Ew! > A ramp opened up from a pile of refuse. MIKE: Double ew! > Sonic spoke into an intercom, "I made it to Uncle Chuck's. Go to Act > Three," and sped inside. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > The ladies got Sonic's message as they were surrounded by Swats, they > locked their weapons and prepared to fire. TOM: Was that a run on sentence, I think it was. MIKE: It just needed a conjunction, it was missing an "and". > "Time for a Bunnie Hop, Sally Girl." Bunnie picked up the Princess as > her 'robot' legs expand. > One hop and hydraulic jacks CROW: Apple Hydraulic Jacks. TOM: We hop what we like! > propelled the two a quarter mile straight > up and several city blocks ahead. > The Swats opened fire on empty air, taking themselves out instead. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "CROCKETT MOVING ON HOVERBIKE AT 450 KM/HOUR HEADING. . .OH, NO. . > .HE'S TAKING DETONATION BOULEVARD!" CROW: Sounds painful. Go for it! > Detonation Boulevard was originaly just an ordinary street on > Mobotroplis before the coup. TOM: Groin coup? > Robotnik riddled the place with traps, mines, > and enough automated weaponry to turn it into a death trap for living > Mobians. CROW: OK, *definitely* go for it! > It would have been advoided if Davey knew any better and is he > hasn't been called in by Sonic at that time. TOM: Wha-a-at?! MIKE: Now the proofreader is praying for his or her life. CROW: So am I. > "I LOVE THIS GAME!!!" Davey shouted as he gunned his bike past Mobius' > answer to Purgatory ALL: [ singing ] Oh, Purgatory, here we co-o-ome! > at 625 km/hour with hellfire and brimstone TOM: Double, double, toil and trouble. CROW: Fire burn and cauldron bubble. > nipping at MIKE: Their noses. TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, hi, Jack Frost. > the afterburner. Antoine screamed in terror. Davey screamed in delight. CROW: Yet another thing I did *not* need to know about Davey-boy here. > Just as the billowing flame was about to envelop the two, Davey turned at a > right angle into a relatively safer street CROW: As in "there's only *7* nuclear bombs hidden on *this* street". > as the rest of Detonation > Boulevard went the way of the MIKE: Tiger? > Waco Branch Davidian Inferno. TOM: Oh *please*. > "YEEEEE > HAAAAAA! WHAT A RUSH!!!" MIKE: Limbaugh. > Davey held his arms in victory as Bunnie and > Sally landed on the nose section. TOM: SPLAT! > "I can't believe you did that, Crockett! Not even Sonic will go near > that Street of Death!" CROW: [ Sally ] You see, Sonic has a brain. > "Nor can anyone else or a while." MIKE: Even though those whiles will just be dying to be on that street. > Davey looked back past a fainted > Antoine TOM: [ Davey ] Hey, Ant, wake up. Oh... you didn't make it. Sorry 'bout that. My mistake. > at 20 blocks of burning city. CROW: And 15 blocks of flaming cabbage. MIKE: [ beating his hands on his chest, sounding like a helicopter ] This is Mike "Get Me Out Of Here" Nelson with your Traffic Report. Today, Davey Crockett, the crazy fox, exploded a street in downtown Robotropolis. It is advised that you steer clear of this stretch until the swelling goes down and the large chunks of pavement fall back to Mobius. BOTS: [ cheer ] MIKE: Ow. Now my chest is sore and my hands are tired. > CROW: Let's get out of here. PEARL: [ off screen ] One more page, guys. CROW: Damn. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 13 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Oh, pass. There's nothing that rhymes with "thirteen". > > "So, you're Davey Crockett, huh?" Charles Hedgehog, TOM: Charles, Charlie, Charlibus. > roboticized CROW: Pancake. > creator of the MIKE: Automatic Toothbrush Freshener! > Roboticizer and Sonic's uncle, said as he approached. "I've CROW: [ Charles ] Let one. > been hearing a lot about you since you've crashed landed on the feet of my > nephew." TOM: Smashing them to a bloody pulp. > His red-on-black eyes looked him up and down for a moment. "Y'now, MIKE: That's what we keep saying! Why now? > sonny, right now, as a fox, TOM: You need to get out more. MIKE: True, but I don't think that's the point Charlie's trying to make. > you don't look as much like Robotnik as you did > when you just showed up here. . . CROW: [ Charles ] It was a good idea to shave off that 2-foot orange mustache. > You don't look so psychotic, either." > "Oh, don't mind that, Chuck," Sonic injected. TOM: [ Sonic ] It's time for your relaxing medicine, Chuck. > "Davey's 'Psycho Streak' CROW: So when Davey goes crazy he runs around nude? MIKE: Crow! Yuck!! > is purely hype. I started it to put fear into Snerdly and Packbald. CROW: Sounds like a law firm. TOM: Or a rock band. CROW: No, more like heavy metal. MIKE: Live, on this very stage, it's Smurky and the Bigzits! BOTS: [ crowd cheering noises ] > Besides, he only shows it when he trashes bots." ALL: Booooo! > "Ahem!" Sonic blushes, CROW: Turning red, which with his blue, makes him purple. MIKE: Davey mistakenly takes this expression to mean Sonic is choking and hilarity ensues! > "Oh, sorry, Unc." > "Yeah, Charles. MIKE: In Charge. > Back home, This big guy's one of the nicest people > you'll know. Even Sonia warms up to him. You ask me, I think CROW: Really? I never would have guessed. MIKE: He's not done talking. > this mean > streak of his is just an act." TOM: Not a very good act, but an act nonetheless. > "You want to analyz ze complex human perzonalitee, my preencezz? CROW: [ Ren Hoek ] You EEdiot! > I do > not theenk you want to zign up for ze dirty job." CROW: I'll do it. He's nuts. There, I'm done. TOM: Where's the dirty part? CROW: That'll be if I ever get to St. Louis with a mud launching catapult. > "Besides, look what he brought with him." MIKE: A new car!! > Bunnie turns around an > imaginary catwalk, TOM: Just like that imaginary stein? MIKE: 'Scuse me? TOM: In "Rangers of NIMH II". Two charactes "finished off" imaginary steins. MIKE: Oh. Ew. CROW: This is one case where perfect robotic memory is a *dis*advantage. > proudly showing off her new body, ALL: Nooooo!! > with the limbs in flesh > mode. Charles did a double take. BOTS: [ Charles ] Ewwwww! > "Whatta ya think, Charles? MIKE: [ Charles ] It *stinks*! > Is it an > upgrade or the cure? TOM: Or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? > Depends on who ya ask, if ya ast me?" ALL: Whuh?! MIKE: OK, now the proofreader is done praying for his or her life and has started praying for cyanide. > "We've come here to give you Davey's special treatment, Uncle Chuck. > It's the sure cure for what ails the roboticized." TOM: I suggest getting used to the fact that you're a robot. CROW: Yeah! Being a robot is great! You can reconstruct yourself any way you like... TOM: You can install laser death missiles in your armpits... CROW: You can play Doom II in your head while you're at a boring funeral... MIKE: Of course, you have to balance that with the fact that anyone who has a remote control or an off switch effectively controls you. CROW: Hm. TOM: I guess. > "Is . . . is it really?" MIKE: [ Davey ] No, it's not. I just like getting your hopes up and then dashing them to the ground! Bwah hahahahaha!! > "Only if you want it to be, Sir." > "Please, Davey, call me Charles. 'Chuck' if you must. TOM: --elid. CROW: So that's where the horrible stench is coming from. > others> I'd love to get this treatment, folks, but TOM: [ Charles, whiny ] I don't wanna be cured! CROW: He just said he *did*. TOM: I didn't mess up your mustache joke. > we've got work to do. > I'll get this along the way. Please." CROW: [ Charles ] Bite me. > Everybody sat down, even Tails, who just came in slowly. Everybody > notices. TOM: Except Sonic, and Sally, and also Davey, and Charles doesn't notice either, and Rotor, and Bunnie, and Antoine, and, well, I guess even Tails wasn't paying attention, or else he wouldn't have walked into that column there. MIKE: Maybe that's why he came in slowly. > "Sonic," Davey whispers, "Tails looks a little down." "Yo, rocket > scientist. Is it full time of part time?" MIKE: [ laughing ] What?! CROW: Full time of part time? Sheesh! > "As you know, Princess, we've got two mysteries to solve. The first of > which is TOM: Why does this fanfic even EXIST?! > Robotnik coming back so soon. I've figured that someone that evil MIKE: Would write a fanfic just like this one. > would not allow an exploding Roboticizer #1 to do him in." CROW: Now an exploding Roboticizer #2, that's another story. > "Yeah, I wonder what supernatural place he was in, and how he came > back?" TOM: Plot Contrivance Theater screws up plans again. MIKE: Well, you know the saying about best-laid plans. CROW: [ Beavis ] Laid? Heh-heh-heh... MIKE: Don't you start again. > "Well, Heaven wouldn't take him. CROW: Dave knows this sort of thing from experience. > Maybe Hell got terrified of him > taking over. So, they sent him back!" CROW: Yeah, they sent him to a *real* Hell! > Everybody laughs. MIKE: Crow's joke wasn't that funny. CROW: Yes it was. > "Good one, Dave." TOM: It's been done. > "We've also got this mystery about MIKE: Why Sonic the Hedgehog? Why why why *why* WHY Sonic the Hedgehog already?! > this silverily CROW: Huh? Is Dave trying to turn that into an adverb? TOM: Oh, I know! It's "silver lily"! MIKE: Wow. What a beautiful flower. > goo MIKE: Hm. Goo doesn't make a very pretty flower. > that Packbell's > been dumping CROW: Eeewwww!! MIKE: Oh, too bad. Packbell broke up with his *goo*friend! [ laughing ] > as of late. I didn't raise a fuss TOM: [ Charles ] Even though I knew *exactly* where the four robots were the minute I came in! > because the Great Jungle CROW: [ Charles ] Told me not to worry. > that accursed android was dumping it in was eating it and growing. TOM: [ Great Jungle ] Mmm boy, that's good goo! > However, > the two happened to begin at the same time. It leads me to believe that > they might be related." MIKE: Twin brother and sister? TOM: Married? CROW: Twin brother and sister and married? TOM: Ew! > "What do you mean Zir Charlez?" MIKE: Zo zay you're at a bar, and zurprizingly there'z no beer. BOTS: Aaaaaaaaahhh!!! > "Don't know yet, Antoine. That's why I called for this two-week > investigation. CROW: [ Charles ] We're going to find out whether or not Bill Clinton is guilty once and for all! > Sonic, Tails, Antoine, and Sally can dress up in these TOM: Beautiful purple bridesmaid dresses. Except Sally. MIKE: What about Sally? TOM: She gets a Barney T-shirt. MIKE, CROW: Aaaaahhh!! > Worker Bot costumes and follow Packbell like a hawk, ALL: Lutherain! [ burst into laughter ] > to find out what's his > game is. MIKE: Monopoly. TOM: Magic: the Gathering. CROW: Chess. MIKE: Hearts. TOM: Solitaire, probably. CROW: Good one! > Davey, you're with me. We can both jack into cyberspace. TOM: [ Charles ] We'll E-mail your fanfics to Robotnik, and when his brain turns to mush, we'll rush in... > From > there the two of us can find out all we need to know about Robotnik." MIKE: But Were Afraid to Ask. > "Will do, Chuck." CROW: [ Davey ] Roger Wilcox. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Y'know, Sonny," TOM: [ Charles ] You can look like a vampire by sticking straws in your upper lip! > Charles told Davey as they went down a corridor, CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Hallways!! Hundreds and hundreds of hallways!! MIKE: Wha? TOM: Remember Detective? MIKE: Ah. > "ever > since I got my mind back, BOTS: [ snort ] MIKE: Shall we pass on this one? CROW: Let's shall. > I've been asking myself why in heaven's name did I CROW: [ Charles ] Ever allow fanfics to be created?! > make that Roboticizer, since It's been giving us all this pain and TOM: Philly cheese steaks. > suffering. But then you showed up, with a replacement limb. This points to that arm> is a classic example of TOM: Pre-post-neo-Fontaine masterpiece architecture. MIKE: Did that mean anything at all? TOM: Not a speck of meaning whatsoever. CROW: Kinda like this fanfic, wordy but unimportant. > why I've built that thing in the > first place: To mend people, to make them whole again, MIKE: Except for the hole in your chest where we insert the battery. > not to send my > people into slavery." TOM: Hey, I get it now! These robots are actually a parallel to the situation before the Civil War! CROW: No, robots are just cool. > "Then blame Robotnik, who uses the machine for evil, not the machine > itself. CROW: Robotnik uses the machine for evil, but he doesn't use the machine itself? MIKE: No, Robotnik uses the machine for evil, but the machine doesn't use the machine for evil. CROW: That didn't help much. MIKE: Anything else I can clear up? > You designed the Roboticizer to be a source of good when used MIKE: Before Labor Day. > properly. You never knew it would fall into the wrong hands one day. I TOM: [ Davey ] Hate you! I hate you! I HATEYOUHATEYOUHATEYOU!! MIKE: Calm down, Tom. > only hope that you Mobians remember that and not trash your life's work down > the drain." ALL: [ toilet flushing noises ] > "Oh, with this new upgrade King Acorn sent with you, rest assured. CROW: [ Davey ] Okay! Snozzz... snore... > We're here." MIKE: [ Charles ] You can talk to Santa Claus now. > Uncle Chuck CROW: So is he "Charles" or "Chuck"? TOM: Depends on the author's whim. > led Davey into a small room with a mainframe CROW: Reboot! MIKE: Glitch, delete fanfic. > -style > cyberdeck, dual input jacks, and comfortable, if cramped, recliner chairs. MIKE: Oooo, gimme! We don't have any recliners up here on the SOL! > Davey's not claustrophobic, but TOM: He tries his best. > as he looked into that room he longed for > some wide open space. > And cyberspace definably does qualify as 'wide open space.' TOM: No it doesn't. It's just a string of ONES and ZEROS!! MIKE: You got zeros? We had to use the letter O. > Inspired > by an earthling fiction writer, MIKE: Lemme guess, an earthling fiction writer, perhaps FROM ST. LOUIS?! TOM: Geez, this guy's got an ego the size of Mount Rushmore! CROW: Y'know, they blew up Abraham Lincoln's face on Mount Rushmore. I think they replaced it with some 20-year-old author's face. MIKE, TOM: [ chuckle ] > cyberspace became the standard virtual > reality interface to the 'net. CROW: Wouldn't that be, like, the *only* VR interface to the 'net?! TOM: Not in Davey's world. > A checkerboard expands to infinity. MIKE: Wow. I am amazed. > Chess > pieces of cubes, pyramids, cones, cylinders, and other geometric shapes MIKE: And the really freaky mutated shape that glows! TOM: All hail the power of the really freaky mutated shape that glows! > represents data bases, security systems, computer networks, and other > connections in Mobius' Information Superhighway. CROW: What is this, Blood and Metal or Tron? MIKE: Or Shadowrun. > Blue rivers intertwine in > computer chip fashion between the chess > pieces. MIKE: Checkmate. TOM: I counter. MIKE: You can't "counter" a checkmate! > "And with this view screen, you'll have an electron's eye view of > the 'net." > "View screen?" Davey said as he flopped on the couch and jacked in- > directly--with the Data Spear, "The way I jack in, CROW: Davey, you can't jack into cyberspace! You don't *know* jack! MIKE: That joke was pretty much inevitable. > I don't need view > screens. . ." MIKE: [ deep voice ] Cuz Ah'm a MAN! > Davey's eyes defocused and glowed as cyberspace filled his sense of CROW: Smell! MIKE: Taste! TOM: Lunchmeat! MIKE, CROW: Huh? > vision. TOM: I still think it should've been lunchmeat. MIKE, CROW: Huh?! > An image of himself appeared on the view screen, but he was > changed; CROW: He's got a brain! > Davey was dressed more like a superhero, with a cape, and he > appeared to be glowing inside. ALL: Ewww! > His hands and eyes were lit up with the > promise of power, and his tail was like it was set on fire. MIKE: [ chuckling nervously ] Oh, it's the "FoxFire Studios" thing. Heh heh. Kill me. > ". . . Not when > I can become one with the 'net. I now have a cosmic-style awareness over CROW: Pickles. > everything that goes in here. It really give quite a buzz." MIKE: Energy BUZZ!! Wait, no. > "I'd say," Uncle Chuck said as he jacked in himself. CROW: Oh, just jack off! MIKE: As was that joke. > "If my readings > are correct, every terminal and monitor is having a feedback loop sent > directly to you. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] You're picking up the Sci-Fi Channel! CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] And Comedy Central! MIKE: [ Davey ] Noooooo!! > Davey, you're monitoring every computer on Mobius > even as we speak! Do you think you can handle--" MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] The awesome responsibilities that come with such power? > "I'm surprised to say it, but CROW: [ Davey, cheerfully ] Not a chance, dickweed! > I am! Normally, the human, or Mobian > mind for that matter, cannot handle this much input all at once, it would be > unintelligible at least, insanity-producing at most. TOM: Or maybe it would create run-on sentences, do you think so too? > Yet, my cyborg MIKE: I am Bubba Deliverance of Borg. I'm gonna assimilate yo' an' make yo' squeal, piggy! CROW: I am Cornholio of Borg. You will... give me TP for my assimilated bunghole! Don't resist, 'cause it's like, futile, or something. TOM: I am Mork of Borg. Nanoo, nanoo! You will be assimilated, as soon as I report to Orson. > implants enable me to handle all this. This is fantastic!! Oh, CROW: [ Davey ] I just downloaded every "Feet of Clay" comic into my brain at once. Hee hee... oh, that Abbott. > I've found Lard-ass." TOM: [ Davey ] I finally turned around. > "Where?" CROW: [ Davey ] Inside the roboticizer. Where do you think?! > Their vision cut to a security camera's view of Robotroplis' Command > Room. MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Get me more lard for my tea! > "--need: Another high speed show-off! And this one destroyed a death > trap meant for Sonic!" TOM: [ Robotnik ] The stupid death-trap-setter-offer! > "But Dr. Robotnik, he was on a hovercycle. I don't think he counts." MIKE: At least not without taking off his shoes. > Robotnik glared at Snivley for a moment, CROW: [ Robotnik ] Snively, shut your fat, stupid, annoying, obnoxious, long- and-pointy-nosed trap, if you don't mind. > but then returned to the > monitors, admiring Davey's work. > That's odd," Chuck mused. "Usually, Robotnik would be throttling CROW: Hey, he spelled "throttling" right! > Snivley TOM: Misspelled "Snively", though. MIKE: Guess you can't have everything. > for that crack." > "Mmm. I'd believe ya, Chuck. MIKE: [ Davey ] Except that you're a fool, Chuck. > And he appears to be admiring me as > well. I don't think that's, like, normal for someone like him." TOM: [ Butthead ] Or something. Huh-huh-huh. CROW: Not normal for anyone sane, that is. > "Humph, MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Bite me. > from what I heard, that would be debatable." > "Hey now!" CROW: [ Davey ] Uh, is that an insult or not? I can't tell. > Davey turned to make a face at Chuck, but something from > the feed caught his eye: Silvery-Grey ooze seeped from Robotnik's left > metal arm. Robotnik notices. "Damn." MIKE: Yuck, he's still infected! > "Man, Talk about crappy quality," Davey said in disgust. "Who made > that arm? Apple?" TOM: Bite me, Win-boy! > Charles just stood silently, scratching his chin, CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Not by the itch on my chinny-chin-chin! > as Packbell arrives > into the scene, MIKE: [ Packbell ] Hey! Am I gonna get any lines here? > placing another pan underneath the drip. MIKE: [ Packbell ] Guess not. > "Y'now, CROW: Yeah, now. What about now? > sonny, I'm > beginning to think that's not really Robotnik." TOM: Well, gee, he's oozing pus-like goo and he seems to *like* Davey. Sounds fine to me! > At this point, Robotnik did the one thing that took the two cyber-spies CROW: To the movie "Titanic". > back for almost five minutes: He turned to Packbell and thanked--yes, > thanked-- TOM: Not spanked! MIKE: Or cranked! CROW: Or tanked! TOM: But thanked! > him for putting the pan under the drip. Julian Ivo Robotnik would MIKE: Kill you if you made fun of his name. > never thank anyone for anything. TOM: Not even that birthday party we threw for him. What a loser. > Everyone who had the nerve to help him are > now either dead of roboticized. > "Now I KNOW that's not CROW: Butter! > Robotnik!" > "If he's not, then, who is he?" CROW: He's Fabio! > "Not who, Davey, What? Do a all-database scan for 'Auto- Automations,' > for me, will you." > "Way ahead of you. . . [15 second pause] MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, sorta ahead, at least. > . . . I've got something." TOM: [ Davey ] A rash. > Davey relays a record to Chuck about CROW: Rash removal. > Snivley and Packbell creating an Auto > Automation MIKE: "Auto-Automation"? Gimme a break. Not only is it redundant, it repeats itself *and* says the same thing more than once! > version of Robotnik. The reason for it was because live was just TOM: Too costly! I'll wait for pay-per-view. > too quiet without him around. CROW: We miss the sounds of bungling and screwing up. > However, Packbell couldn't find up-to-date MIKE: Macarena instructions. BOTS: Nooooo! > records on how to MIKE: Do the Macarena! BOTS: Nooooooo! > make good Auto-Automations, so they had to make do with TOM: Cheap auto-automation rip-offs with only one "auto". > out-of-date procedures and files. "Remind me to smack Snivley around for MIKE: [ Davey ] Having such a stupid name. "Snively"? Gimme a break! CROW: But wasn't it his parents who chose his name, thus making him blameless? MIKE: [ Davey ] Shut up. > using such crappy work. I expected more from him. Oh, I've got access to CROW: [ Beavis ] Porn! Heh-heh-heh! TOM: [ Butthead ] Cool, lemme see! Huh-huh-huh! MIKE: All right, I'm cutting off your MTV. > Main Roboticizer #2! I'll upload the upgrade parameters and we can give you TOM: A sponge bath. MIKE, CROW: Ewww! > the treatment from there." > "Main Roboticizer #2?! MIKE: How're they gonna get him in there-- CROW: --put the tube down-- TOM: --pull the switch-- CROW: --put the tube *up*-- MIKE: --and get out without being blasted? TOM: Contrivance power. > Ballsy, Crockett. MIKE: I call bull. Stupid does not necessarily mean manly. > Crazy, but ballsy--Hey! > what's this? CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Get your hand away from there, Davey. > Roboticizer Override?" TOM: I'd rather see Roboticizer Ponyride. > "This I've got to see. . . " Davey reached out for the file, but > suddenly, white lightning could be seen from some of the paths of blue, and > approaching paths. MIKE: [ HAL 9000 ] I'm sorry, Davey, but I'm afraid I can't do that. > "ICE constructs!" TOM: Yep, definitely Shadowrun. > Charles shouted, referring to the acronym TOM: Instrument Compressing Elephants! MIKE: Inimitable Clog-dancing Easterners! CROW: Ifrit Can't Eat! MIKE: Ooh, it rhymes! Good job! CROW: Thank you. > 'Intrusion > Countermeasure Electronics,' designed to take out uninvited guests in > computer networks by any means possible, even if it means flatlining the MIKE: Fanfic. > poor soul. CROW: That'd be us. > "Jack out of here, now!!" > Davey managed to get a copy of the Roboticizer Override file in a split TOM: Hair? > second before he jacked out, just before the ICE ran into the ram space he > was just occupying one CPU cycle before. . . MIKE: Ah, cyberpunk crap. Fun, fun, fun. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Whew," Charles said as their brains MIKE: Let's skip that one. CROW: Well, OK. > were catching up to the fact that CROW: Two plus two is *not* five. > they are back in their bodies. "That was a close one. You got that last > file?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, yeah, I got it right--hey, where'd that magnet come from? Oops. > "Sure did, Uncle Chuck." He popped the disk out from his upper arm MIKE: [ flinches ] Ouch! > drive. "For a moment there, I was disappointed in Needle Nose, CROW: He facially sews. MIKE: [ claps ] CROW: Thank you, thank you, thank you. > but I didn't > expected those cyberspace defenses to be developed on Mobius. Now, this > game is going to be fun." TOM: Fun? HA!! > "Sonny," Chuck sighed, MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Tell me to stop acting like your grandpa. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Put on a clean shirt, and cut your fur! TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] And would you decide on a name for me, *please*? > "If you still think that this is something that > came out from Sega, MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Then YOU, my friend, are an idiot. > think of it from OUR point of view. And by what I'm > fearing from what I think 'Roboticizer Override' means, I'm afraid that TOM: This fanfic is going to get *worse*. > you're gonna be seeing that point of view awfully quick." TOM: LY! *LY*!! Awfully quick-*LY*!! > Davey was too quick to change the subject. "You think that Robatsy ALL: [ snicker ] > knows we were there?" > "Don't know, son. Let's assume he did, however, and move up our plans > from there. I'll signal the others. . ." CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Dear others, bite me. Love, Chuck. > [ Without a word, the crew flees out of the theater as fast as they can. ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 5b of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 6a of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq8f$v1d$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672291 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:30:54 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 6a of 9 [ INT SOL. Tom is pushing buttons on a desk lamp. A clipboard is on the desk, he has a pencil in his mouth, and a microphone is set up in front of the lamp's bulb. He's wearing a lab coat. ] TOM: [ slightly muffled ] Hmm. Well I suppose it's time to try full power. [ He flips a switch, and the lamp flashes on. ] Drat! Nothing! [ He writes something on the clipboard. ] [ At this point, Crow walks in. Hmm. How to explain? Well, he's got red- orangeish fur, little teeth attached to his beak, and pointed ears on his head. ] CROW: Hey, Tom. TOM: Oh, hello, Crow. I've been doing some tests on this lamp, and all of my tests prove negative. Allowing for the noise the lamp makes when functioning, I can't find any way that light makes the slightest noise, much less enough noise to drown out anyone's speech. CROW: I'm a fox. TOM: [ looks up ] YAAIGH!! [ falls backward, with a crashing noise ] MIKE: [ off-screen, loudly ] What was that? [ much louder crashing noise, like a large machine vaguely resembling an Apple ][ falling to the ground ] TOM: Oooh... MIKE: [ runs on-screen ] What's going on here? I heard a scream, and a crash, and [ notices Crow ] WAAAUGH!! EVIL!! CROW: I've turned into a fox, Mike. TOM: [ gets back up ] Crow, you scared me! This isn't funny! MIKE: Yeah, I thought Davey had gotten up here for a second! CROW: No, I'm a fox! I went down to visit the Power Ring Pool, and I grabbed a power ring, and the next thing I know, I'm a red fox. MIKE: Mm-hmm. Well, you made me smash my machine! Now how am I going to stop Davey? TOM: Let's check down there and see. MIKE: Well, OK. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Hello? [ Mobius. Pearl, Davey, and Observer are sitting on the log mentioned earlier. Bobo is nowhere nearby. ] DAVEY: I dunno, I just don't think I can *be* evil! I wasn't written that way! PEARL: Hmm. I have the solution. Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Oh, of course. [ He does the Observer brain effect. Davey starts to scream. ] [ SOL ] MIKE: My god, what are you doing to him? [ Mobius ] PEARL: We're running the entire Blood and Metal series through his brain. OBSERVER: BaM Alpha, Beta, Restart, and 3D, five hundred times in thirty seconds. DAVEY: OK, I'm evil now. [ SOL ] ALL: Eww. [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] MIKE: Oh, we got Self-Insertion Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. Crow's fox outline is visible. ] > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 14 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Nope, ain't gonna do it, nope, nope. > > It was during the time spent tracking Packbell between Robotroplis and the > Great Jungle TOM: What about the Great Forest? He hasn't mentioned that. MIKE: I think he's mistaking a forest for a jungle. > that Sonic and Tails had their little talk: CROW: Oh great, here we go with The Talk. > "I feel alone, Sonic. :::Looks down, drags tails, kicks a rock::: TOM: Oh, man, he's using AOL-IM-style actions! MIKE: Can't he just stop the speech for a *moment* to describe an action? > Like I > don't belong here." MIKE: [ Tails ] Like I belong on Mars. > "What are you talking about?! About half of the Freedom Fighters are CROW: [ Sonic ] Morons. TOM: And the others are, like, dumb. > foxes!" TOM: That's the truth. CROW: They need a more varied attack force. > "I know, but how many have two tails? MIKE: Half of them. > :::Points behind him::: I'm a freak, > Sonic." CROW: Yeah. So? MIKE: Crow, you're being insensitive. CROW: So? MIKE: Never mind. > "You're 12 now, so I know what you're going through." CROW: Wait, wait, since when is he 12? I thought he was 10! TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Bite me! > "You don't understand." MIKE: [ Tails ] You're just a doody-head. [ sucks thumb ] > "But I do! Every pre-teen goes through this stage of self-depreciation." TOM: So the accountant says, "You're so accrual, you don't depreciate me anymore!" CROW: This has been "Inside Joke Theater 3000". > ":::Looks surprised::: What?!" MIKE: [ Tails ] You're nuts! > "You going through a phase TOM: Shift? MIKE: Oh yeah, you going through a phase! You going, you going, you going through a phase! > where one special thing about you makes a bad CROW: Smell. > impression TOM: Like Crow's impression of a fox. > on you, and you start to despise it. MIKE: Hate it, even! > Some people don't get out of CROW: Jail free. > this phase, and become TOM: Really, really irritating. > mentally-impaired, so to speak. CROW: Know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink? > Those who make it out MIKE: Get Boardwalk *and* Park Place! > don't worry about appearance, for they know TOM: It's not whether you win or lose... > it's not the most important > thing. CROW: Appearance *is* the most important thing! Death to ugly people! MIKE: Crow!! > My phase was on my TOM: [ Sonic ] Lack of pants. > quills. :::Runs his fingers through his spines::: ALL: Ow! Ooch! Eek! Yow! Ouch! > I hated them! They were too sharp, CROW: Sharper than Sonic, I'll bet. TOM: Hee hee! > they were ugly in my eyes, MIKE: Spines in his *eyes*?! Gimme a break. > and people > found it easy to CROW: [ Sonic ] Trip me. > put rude remarks on my back. TOM: Such as "Get Bent"! CROW: "Bite Me"! MIKE: And "Zark Off"! > :::Sally sneaks up behind him > and MIKE: Impales herself on his spines. > sticks a note saying CROW: Heave a rock at me. > 'Kick Me' in the back fin::: TOM: Is he a hedgehog or a fish? > I tried to shave them > off, but MIKE: [ Sonic ] My razor broke. > Uncle Chuck stopped me. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] You eediot! > I learned to like them. They were > aerodynamically correct for my speed. CROW: They make excellent butter knives! > They help me in turns. TOM: They freshen your breath and whiten your teeth as you sleep! > They become > lethal weapons when I spun. MIKE: They're great as a between-meal snack! > But, most of all, I learned to think they made > me TOM: More annoying than ever! > handsome." > "They do!" > "See! What you have to do is think of the good things of MIKE: Roger Corman! > those tails. > :::Points to the twin brushes:::" > "Thanks, Sonic. But you don't sound like yourself! Are you CROW: An idiot? > sick?" > "Naah. Missions like these are like long bus trips. CROW: People throw spitballs... MIKE: Some smart-alec freedom fighter moons a passing SWATbot patrol... TOM: Yeah, it's a lot like a long bus trip. > Everyone shows their > dark side. CROW: [ Darth Vader ] I find your lack of faith disturbing. > Look over there! TOM: [ Sonic ] A big ugly monster! > :::Notices note, rips it off::: Sal's become a CROW: [ Sonic ] Bitch. MIKE: Crow! > major trickster. And Davey's writin' poetry. CROW: Roezuz aar rehd, Vylits aar bloo, Eye kin spel reel gud, End ryme gud--as well. > Bunnie's real tired. All the > time! TOM: Every night and every day! > :::Bunnie yawns and leans on Antoine::: Antoine's acting cool. CROW: Yeah right! > That's MIKE: Silly! > acting! You're growing up, and I'm getting wiser. We've all become our > opposites. CROW: Oh, it's like that one comic where their evil duplicates take their place! TOM: F... no, it's redundant. > Don't worry, though. It'll wear off after the mission's over." MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'll get stupid, you'll get younger, Bunnie'll get hyper, Antoine won't be cool, Sally'll get all serious, and Davey will throw out his poetry. Ya catch all that? > "Cool, Sonic. Thanks!" TOM: [ Tails ] I wanna get younger! > That was when the team got E-Mailed by Uncle Chuck. CROW: Oh, it was, was it? > It was tonight that > they're gonna act, TOM: [ shakes for a few seconds ] > and they are to return to base for final instructions. > As Tails went, he called up one of the poems Davey transferred into his > wrist computer: MIKE: This is the first sentence of my poem. This is the second sentence of my poem, which came after the first sentence of my poem. This is the third sentence of my poem, which came after the second sentence of my poem, which came after the first sentence of my poem. This is-- BOTS: ENOUGH!! > MIKE: Here it comes, guys, Davey's feeble attempt at poetry. CROW: May I slit my wrists? MIKE: What wrists? > Went into Cyberspace amped MIKE: And it's a cyberpunk poem. TOM: Got any cyanide? MIKE: Sorry, no. Brain Guy confiscated it all. > Input to the max CROW: [ rapid-fire typing sounds ] > I was going for total meltdown TOM: [ explosion sounds ] > > Direct feed MIKE: I'm hungry! CROW: Well, let's set up a direct feed! > No buffer TOM: Just a bumper. CROW: And a buncher. > I charge like a hotline to God MIKE: [ God ] Not now! I'm watching Baywatch. > > Zipzip ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: "Zipzip"?! CROW: Gimme a break. > flash slickbright ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: "Slickbright"?! > chrome ripping BOTS: One. > through > the Matrix MIKE: Davey reads too many Shadowrun books. CROW: He's probably only seen the video games. > at supersonic speed > > Neural feedback hit CROW: I'd like to hit this guy. > Metabolic overload back in the Meatware TOM: Is that a new-age restaurant? MIKE: A 90's rock singer? > Fevered tissues aflame with MIKE: Heartburn. > data CROW: You might wanna take something for that. > > I was burning CROW: Or that. > Liquid metal comet MIKE: Oh great. Sephiroth's back, and he's showing no mercy. > boiling TOM: Oiling. > the data flow plume CROW: Cyber-peacock! > of binary stream TOM: 010010000100010101011001010000110101001001001111010101110101011101001000 010110010100010001001001010001000101010001001000010001010100001001001001 010011100100000101010010010110010101001101010100010100100100010101000001 010011010100001101010010010011110101001101010011010101000100100001000101 01010010010011110100000101000100 CROW: 010010010100010001010101010011100100111001001111010101110100100001011001 TOM: 010010010101010001000100010010010100010001001110010101000100100101010100 010100110100000101010011010101000101001001000101010000010100110101011001 010000010100010001010101010011010100110101011001 BOTS: [ chuckle ] MIKE: I don't get you. > > They could see me all > the way to Chiba City MIKE: Let's review, shall we? We've had Duke Nukem 3D... TOM: Mortal Kombat... CROW: Shadowrun... MIKE: Any guesses as to what Davey-boy'll rip off of next? TOM: Star Wars? CROW: Star Trek? TOM: Sailor Moon. CROW: Chip & Dale. > All the way to orbit CROW: I'd like to send *him* into orbit. > > Quicksilver TOM: Isn't that poisonous? > tsunami of MIKE: Soda pop! > thermonuclear CROW: Coke! > wildfire MIKE: Foxfire. TOM: Wildfire. MIKE: Foxfire. TOM: Wildfire! MIKE: Foxfire! > Never been anything like me MIKE: Davey, *nothing* is like you. > > Keep Cyberjocks talking for years CROW: [ cyberjock ] Man, what a geek. TOM: [ cyberjock ] Totally. > I was it, man CROW: [ Davey ] Crap. > History TOM: We wouldn't be so lucky! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 15 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: I'll catch up after the teens. CROW: There's only 20 pages. MIKE: Oh. TOM: Did you peek ahead again?! CROW: Well, yeah. > > "Me? A poet. MIKE: [ Davey ] And I don't know it! > I can't believe it." MIKE: I was close. > "Well, Sonny, that's what happens when you surf data for 12 days straight. TOM: [ speaker ] You die of dehydration and starvation. MIKE: 12 days?! > You even sleep jacked in. CROW: And jacked off. > I don't think you had a normal night's sleep all > this time." MIKE: Odd. I get a normal night's sleep every day. TOM: Well, I can see--what?! > The other Freedom Fighters enter the room at this point. Bunnie CROW: Brought in her parents' heads on a platter. > fell unconscious on the meeting table. "Ah, glad you're here. TOM: [ speaker ] Kinda. > Have a . . . MIKE: [ speaker ] English muffin. > seat. Well, we all realize by now that Snivley and Packbell has created an MIKE: Automatic Macarena-dancing robot! BOTS: Noooooo!! > auto-automation of Robotnik." CROW: Attributions, PLEASE?! > "Yeah," Sonic said, CROW: Thank you. > "guess life's much too quiet for them without Bubberbutt ALL: "Bubberbutt"?! [ laugh loudly ] MIKE: Man, this fanfic has the funniest errors I've ever seen! > around" > "Of course," Sally adds sarcastically. TOM: So Sonic wasn't being sarcastic? MIKE: No, author-boy just forgot. > "But now they should realize that we can't make their lives easy for them." CROW: [ speaker ] Otherwise, they'll never learn anything. > "Davey here plans to take this fake Julian out, ALL: [ singing ] To the ball game... > deroboticize me, TOM: But I thought that they stayed robots, but they just looked real! CROW: Yeah, well, in author-boy's world, those two things are meshed. > and destroy > this Roboticizer Override they have as an ace in the hole. TOM: FIRE IN THE ACE!! Wait, no. > It's a device > that MIKE: Goes "ping"! > sets everyone who's roboticized--including myself and Mr. Crockett--to MIKE: PBS! CROW: What a cruel fate. > self-destruct." ALL: YYYEEESSS!!! MIKE: Your insensitivity is rubbing off on me. BOTS: So? > " . . . man," Sonic was shocked at the news. ALL: > The thought of seeing his uncle > die very violently and without any way to stop it was almost too much. MIKE: Yeah, it's too much for us too. CROW: [ wearing a party hat ] You say something, Mike? MIKE: Aaargh... > It showed in Davey's face as well. TOM: A figgy pudding. > "Fortunately, everything's centrally > located in CROW: Marseilles. > Main Roboticizer #2, MIKE: Rocket #9? > so I can take care of it all in one shot. TOM: [ Canadian ] Yah, just one shot, eh? Just "BLAM" and it's all over, ya hosers. MIKE: Note: no offense is intended toward Canadians, hosers, or the letters B, L, A, and M. > Good thing too. . . " CROW: [ Davey ] Don't know why... > His eyes betrayed the terror he's feeling TOM: Gack. Gaack. > as his voice > begins to wane. MIKE: It wanes when it waxes and waxes when it wanes. > ". . . the sooner that override . . . gets off-line . . .the CROW: Bigger they fall! Wait... that's not right... > better I-I-I-I-I . . . feel . . . " He began to gasp for air. MIKE: Heart attack! > "Yo, TOM: Dude, homie, word! > Big Daddy, ALL: Ewwww!! > what's wrong?" MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh, my heart just stopped. No big deal. > "o-o-oh, it's nothing, sonic. . . " MIKE: [ Davey ] Yeah, I'm sure my heart will start beating again any minute now. > "Notheeng my tail, CROW: He doesn't have a tail! > Mon Ami. TOM: That's the company that made the Ninja Turtles video games, isn't it? MIKE: You're thinking of Konami. > You are terrified. It's about ze robot arm or MIKE: [ Antoine ] Or something else. CROW: Brilliant deduction. > yairs, CROW: [ Carl Sagan ] Billyuns and billyuns of yairs! > eesn't it?" TOM: [ Ren Hoek ] You eediot? > "I-I-I-I . . I don't want my . . . feelings to . . . jeopardize . . ." MIKE: What is "characterization", Alex? TOM: What is "overdone drama"? > "It's alright, sonny." CROW: [ speaker ] We know you're a wuss. Just let it all out. > Davey leaned back on his chair, away from the huddle, as he gasped for more MIKE: Snickers bars. > air. His face was hot and red, his mouth dry, his eyes shut tight. ALL: Ewww! TOM: He's got some sort of deadly disease of doom! > Bunnie yawns. "What's wrong with Davey Dear? He looks as if he saw a ghost." CROW: And not Casper, either! > Chuck went to Bunnie and whispers to her. "He just found out that he's not > in a video game after all." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] The jerk. > Sally went up to her oversized Freedom Fighter and held his head in her > arms. CROW: In a half-nelson. MIKE: Heeeey. > Having learned more than she cared to know about Davey's left arm, she MIKE: Wrote a book! > expected him to be a little shaken up on it. She notes about it every now > and then in her diary. . . MIKE: "Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Davey's Arm". > "While the normal roboticized Mobian would wonder what they did to deserve TOM: The name "Mobian". I mean, isn't it just a silly name? CROW: Well, yeah. > such a fate--at least Bunnie accepted hers--Davey Crockett actually believes MIKE: [ Sally ] In the tooth fairy. What a dweeb, eh? > that getting roboticized was the best thing that ever happened to him. And CROW: [ Sally ] It is! I mean, he gets cable! > since he's an amputee, it probably is. . . " > "I gained so much with my new arm, princess. . . " Davey said as he looked TOM: Up Robotnik's phone number to TELL HIM OFF! > directly into her eyes. "I don't want to have it taken away." CROW: We do, 'cause it'd end the story. MIKE: No, then there'd be a sequel about how he tries to get it back. CROW: Damn, we just can't win! > "And it won't Davey." Uncle Chuck joined in, MIKE: Playing Turkey in the Straw. > placing his arm on Davey's > shoulders. A clang of metal hitting metal. CROW: A splat of vomit hitting pavement. > "We've got a plan." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Now, we send Davey in to beat everyone up and make smarmy comments, Bunnie says something with that accent, Sonic and Knuckles get into a fight, and in the confusion I slip in and do whatever it is we need to do. > He then turns > to Tails. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] And he gets blasted by a stray laser. MIKE, CROW: [ crowd ] Yay. > "I'll need your computer, Tails." CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] This is a stick-up. > Tails held up his arm. His wrist com, named MIKE: Bill! TOM: Twin! CROW: HAL 9000! > Miles, powered up. ALL: Miles? MIKE: Oh please. > "I've got here the blueprints to the override." TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] Yep, right here, right in my, er, oh, great, where'd they...? > Uncle Chuck transfers the > data. "I need you to get inside the panel and deactivate it from inside." > "How would I know which wires to yank out?" TOM: The red one. It's always the red one. > "Here," Davey hands Tails a headset monitor. "This'll give you a Virtual > Reality view of MIKE: [ Davey ] Your Tomb Raider game. CROW: [ Tails ] Mmm... Lara Croft... Drool... > the schematics, and will show you what to do." > "Cool." CROW: [ Tails ] Lara's a babe. > "Davey, you've already programmed the Roboticizer, TOM: Whaat? MIKE: Since when? > so you can operate it on > me. I've also gave you a full load BOTS: Ewwww! > in your Power Rifle, in case that fake > Robotnik shows up." MIKE: Spraying pus as he goes! > "Will do." TOM: Roger Will do! > "Sonic and Sally, you two can run interference to get the heat off us, CROW: [ speaker ] And bring in some ice cream, would ya? > Bunnie?" ALL: [ various shouts of "Bunnie?" "Yoo-hoo?" and "Where'd she go?" ] > Bunnie was sound asleep on the far end of the table. ALL: Oh. > "Er, Antoine, would you take Bunnie back to Knothole, and get us some CROW: Cheese. > backup." TOM: Backup cheese. > "Oui" TOM: What about us? CROW: In public?! Isn't there a bathroom? > "And here, Ant." Davey tosses him a portable holographic projector. CROW: Where's Davey getting all this mechanical crap? MIKE: His magical sack. > "I'll be > putting out a live feed of Uncle Chuck's deroboticization. MIKE: [ Davey ] And it'll be pay-per-view. > I want to put > this whole planet on notice that their liberation is at hand." TOM: And the Vogons are scheduled to blow it up. > "Sacre bleu cheese!! Misu Crockett!! This is crazee!!" > "Yeah, Antoine. Crazy. Like a fox!" CROW: In socks on box of clocks eating lox! [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 6a of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 6b of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiq94$v1h$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672299 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:31:16 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 6b of 9 > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 16 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Hey, I just got an E-mail! MIKE: Not spam? CROW: No, it's the Top Ten Changes to NASA to Accommodate 76 Year old John Glenn's return to Space aboard the Shuttle Discovery! TOM: Mouthful! MIKE: So what are they? CROW: 10. All devices now operated by the Clapper. 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees. 8. Shuffleboard installed in cargo bay. 7. "Early Bird" specials included on menu. 6. One monitor specifically designated for "Matlock." 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship. 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour. 3. A new bifocal windshield. 2. Space pants now go up to armpits. 1. Left blinker left on for entire mission. MIKE, TOM: [ laugh ] > > The "Hedgehog--Priority One" light CROW: When the light goes on, please fasten your Hedgehog--Priority One. > went on in the command chamber. > "I guess it's 'Game On,' isn't it, Snivley?" MIKE: Now where's the reset button? CROW: I'd settle for permanent pause. > "Yessir, Doctor Robotnik. You think that Davey Crockett will--" TOM: [ Snively ] Cut me off in the middle of my-- > "Of course. Does he think for a second that he can reprogram a > roboticizer and send a video link to Knothole, and not have me notice?" MIKE: [ Snively ] Well, you are a fairly poor excuse for a bad guy. > Robotnik gets up, allowing silver goo to drip down his arm. ALL: Ewwwww!! > "Oh course, you don't think that he would--" > "Oh, I think he will, Snivley. He might get away with deroboticizing > Uncle Chuck, but I don't think that he'll get any father. You see, TOM: [ Robotnik ] He's adopted. > I did a > DNA scan on Davey Crockett, CROW: Why?! > and I must say, I was surprised by what I've > found." MIKE: He's got the gene for dog breath. Why is that? > "W-What did you find, Master?" TOM: [ Torgo ] i TAke cArE OF ThE pLacE wHIlE tHe mASTer iS AwAy. > He opened his mouth as if to speak, but then . . . CROW: He melted. > "Oh, I think I'll > leave you in suspense for a while." CROW: How do you leave a human in suspense? MIKE: How? CROW: I'll tell you tomorrow!! Ha ha ha... > He headed out the door. "But I will > tell you this." He turned back to Snivley as the doors close between them. MIKE: It was Maggie. Maggie Simpson! TOM: So much for suspense. > "Davey looks like me for a reason." TOM: [ desperately ] They're the same person! Davey fights bots, then runs in-- MIKE: No, Tom. TOM: --takes off his super-steel-grip girdle-- MIKE: Tom, no! TOM: --and then goes to fight... as... evil... [ breaks down into sobs ] MIKE: There, there, it's okay. TOM: Aaargh! There is nothing happening! People are just talking and talking about uninteresting things, and the only "action", if you can call it that, is an irritating 20-year-old blasting robots!! MIKE: It's okay. Don't worry. Something *has* to happen that's interesting soon. TOM: really? MIKE: I hope so. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Programming those Swats to escort us to the Roboticizer's a nice > touch, Uncle Davey." CROW: Oh, so he's cyberomnipotent. That's just peachy. > "Hey, we had to get in there nice and easy." Davey opens up a panel in > the wall. "Here's your way in. The Override's at the other side." TOM: Of what?! > "I see it, and the VR's kicking in." MIKE: [ speaker ] Soon I'll be numb to all feeling. There we go. > "Good. Do me a favor and do it as soon as you can. Okay, Prower?" > "Will do!." Tails gave Davey the Thumbs Up, CROW: A fight erupted and they all were killed. The end. MIKE: You skipped a step there. CROW: I don't want it to take any longer than necessary. > then ducked in. > "Well, arrrrrrrrrrrighty then. MIKE: No, that's "A-a-a-al-l-l righty then". > It's you and me now, Sir Charles." > "The roboticizer's over here." CROW: [ Davey ] Where? Oof! Oh, there! > The two went into the chamber. TOM: So they're both getting roboticized? > Davey looked at the controls. ALL: Du-u-uh... > "Biological lock keyed to Robotnik's DNA? Phrack it!" MIKE: Okay. Phrack you, lock! Phrack phrack phrack phrack phrack!! > Ten seconds with the Data Spear, and the lock was bypassed. The > control panel pops out. ALL: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!! > "My programming's still here. Goody. You may TOM: [ Davey ] Kiss my programming. > assume the position, > Chuckie." ALL: Ewwwww!! > Chuck stepped into the tube. The tube slides down. ALL: Oh. > "Gotta wait a bit for the 'cizer to power up. ET's about 30 seconds on > the 'cizer, 25 on the override. Live feed's going smoothly. How things > going, Knothole. Hiya, Suni!" TOM: He's nuts. Talking to no one. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Everyone who wasn't involved in the extraction team was glued to the > monitor that Antoine connected the live feed into. TOM: Oh. He's still nuts, though. CROW: Well, that goes without saying. > Sonia was sitting at the > front, with a diet coke in one hand and a chili dog in the other. MIKE: Pig! CROW: No, hog. MIKE, TOM: > Several > others were making a similar event out of it. ALL: Packers! Wooooo!! TOM: Go! Go! Go! Go! MIKE: Packers rule! > Soft drinks and snacks were > flying everywhere. ALL: FOOOOOD FIIIIIGHT!! > "You all are probably wondering why I'm letting you all ride shotgun > with me. I guess it's my need to flick the bird at Robatsy in public. King > Acorn has sent me to your planet to TOM: [ Davey ] Share with you my Vienna sausage! > wreck Robotnik's world. Byte by byte, > brick by brick, MIKE: [ singing ] No matter how thin, no matter how thick! TOM: That was obscure. CROW: I don't get it. > and bot by bot. I'm gonna drive it all down into the > shocking bedrock, man. And when I'm done, and I have that bloated piece of TOM: Spam! CROW: [ singing ] Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! > excrement at my feet, begging that I put that reason why abortion is legal > in my world ALL: What?! MIKE: So you can abort old ugly fat people in his world? > out of his misery, orrrrr, MIKE: [ pirate ] I'll steal his gold and make him walk the plank, arrrrr. > maybe I will let him die. Or maybe > I'll roboticize that bastard, just to show him what it's like--" CROW: Probably not nice. > Davey looks off camera and notices someone off camera, hiding in the > shadows. TOM: And... > He flipped on the house lights. TOM: Ignores the person hiding. MIKE: To scare off burglars. > "Eh, what's up . . . Doc?" CROW: [ Davey ] I always wanted to say that. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "I always wanted to say that," CROW: D'oh! > Davey quirks to Chuck. TOM: How do you quirk?! > 25 seconds til > power-up. MIKE: Of what? > 10 on Tail's ET. MIKE: Until what? > Man, The Heartbreak Kit's doing good. MIKE: How?! > Still, > Davey needs to stall for more time. MIKE: Why?! Please explain SOMETHING!! > Robotnik's robot arm reaches for the > override switch. TOM: Now *this* we understand. ALL: Do it! Do it! Do it! > Davey reaches for the roboticizer switch. TOM: OK, so he's gonna roboticize Charles/Chuck. MIKE: To make his robot body realistic, yeah. CROW: Look, why bother to try to understand it? TOM: You wouldn't understand. > 23 seconds on the 'cizer. TOM: I think that must be Chuck's time. MIKE: Yeah, now I remember Davey saying something about it powering up. > Tails' time's stuck at 10. MIKE: To find the wire for the override-- TOM: And cut it off! MIKE, TOM: Yeah! We understand the plot! MIKE: [ holds up his hand ] High five! No, wait. CROW: I'll never understand *you*. > Damn. TOM: [ triumphantly ] Because Tails isn't any closer to finding the right wire. MIKE: It's great to know what's going on. > "Dueling with machines. How novel, Crockett. Honestly, do you think > you can flip that switch before I take out your arm?" CROW: Well, he could just PULL THE SWITCH NOW. MIKE: No, the roboticizer hasn't yet powered up. CROW: Maybe I *should* try to understand things. > "I dunno, Robuttnik. TOM: [ Davey ] I can't count. > I've reprogrammed that Roboticizer, MIKE: [ Observer ] I did it in several seconds with my mind. > I could've > done the same with the override." CROW: [ Davey ] What it all boils down to is: do ya feel lucky, punk? > Roboticizer: 17 seconds; Tails: 7. TOM: Dolphins 21, Chargers 8. > "You didn't have the time, mister. MIKE: Now go to your room! You're grounded! > The ICE would've gotten you for > sure." TOM: [ Davey ] Eh, ICE, shmICE. > "Julian, I've been in cyberspace for two--" CROW: [ Davey ] Minutes. > "WHATTT!!!!" MIKE: [ Robotnik ] I can save *how* *much* by dialing 10-321?! > Roboticizer at 10, Tails at 5. "How did you know my CROW: [ Robotnik ] Fondness for chili? > name?!?!" MIKE: Sheesh, it's not like you keep it a well-hidden secret! > A pause-- TOM: [ Robotnik ] I wonder why I haven't pulled the override lever yet. Oh well, I suppose there must be some good reason. > Roboticizer at 5, Tails at 3. "Oh yeah, TOM: [ Robotnik ] Even the non-fanboy MSTies know my name. CROW: Hey! > King Acorn sent > you did he?" Roboticizer at 4,Tails at 2. "No matter, I know what to do CROW: With some soiled pants! > with His Highness' 'care package'. . . " Roboticizer at 3, Tails at 1. > Robotnik threw the switch. MIKE: [ Robotnik ] FETCH! > A faint sound of a wire being ripped out. CROW: So... > And nothing more. Roboticizer at 1. TOM: And Tails at -1, I guess. > Robotnik angrily glared at the switch and jammed it a half dozen times. > A splash of silver spurted out with each jam. ALL: Ewwwwww!! > "Game Over." Davey slowly pulled his switch. Uncle Chuck was bathed > in blue light. ALL: Shi-i-iny-y-y. > "How can this BE!" MIKE: A huge pile of plot contrivances. Don't even try; you're outnumbered. > He kept jamming on that lever until his left arm > fell off, ALL: Ewwwwwww!! > spilling another gallon of silver. "That Roboticizer Override's > cost a million Mobians!!!" CROW: [ Robotnik ] Bob, Stan, Mike, Jon, Kenny, Ringo, George, Jamal, Paul, that one weird gooey guy... > "Now, Tails!" MIKE: But, didn't he already? > A panel was kicked out, and Robotnik realized that Davey had an ace in > the hole. CROW: ACE IN THE FIRE!!! No, wait. > "You snooze, you lose, Robuttnik. You need this one Mobian wire TOM: Just this ONE Mobian wire, no other. > to get it to work, and I just yanked it out as you were pulling the switch." MIKE: As opposed to *before* you pulled it, which would be the intelligent plan. > Now would be a good time to play his own ace, while the live feed was > still on-line. MIKE: I bid 20. CROW: I see your 20 and raise to 30. TOM: I fold. Pot's too high for my taste. > Robotnik tried to clap his one remaining hand, but all he > could do is pound the floor. MIKE: So that's the sound of one hand clapping. > "Bravo, Bravo. I must say that I'm impressed. > Only someone like myself would have the guts to do what you've justdone. Or TOM: Oh, not that again. > my--" TOM: Half-cousin! MIKE: Milkman! CROW: Archenemy! > "Hold it right there, Julian!" CROW: [ Inspector Gadget ] You're under arrest! > Davey stepped up to the tub of lard and > whipped out his Power Rifle. TOM: [ Davey ] How dare you imply that I ever was a milkman! > "What the phrack are you trying to pull on > live TV? CROW: We'd like to know too. MIKE: [ Robotnik ] Beats me. I'm just stalling for time. > Some propaganda crap to shake up the Freedom Fighters with? No > Dice." TOM: In Capital Letters. > By this time the upgrade was complete. CROW: We've switched to Windows 98! > The blue glow over Chuck > resided TOM: On GeoCities. > to reveal ahedgehog of flesh instead of metal. Eyes that were 30 > seconds ago red on black are now CROW: Puce on plaid! > black on white. He was examining his hands > that now don't look like a puppet. "Amazing," he said to himself. "I know MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] The square root of 74,000. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] How to factor decimals. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Absolutely nothing! > by now that my new body's artificially made, but it looks so real. Am I > real now, am I?" He looks up to find Davey on top of Robotnik. ALL: EWWWWW!! CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Uhh, I'll leave you two alone now... bye... > He knocks > on the glass to get Tails' attention, and motions him to raise the tube." CROW: Who's speaking now? > Davey was laughing very sarcastically. "That is the biggest bullshit ALL: TOM: He said "bullshit"! > that I've ever heard!! YOU?? MY FATHER?? OF ALL PEOPLE?? HAH!!!!" MIKE: [ incredulous ] When did he say that?! > "David, you don't know. . . " > "You are NOT Darth Vader, Julian!" TOM: [ Darth Robotnik ] I find your lack of eggs disturbing, Davey. > ". . . your mother was divorced when you were an infant, did you know . > . . " MIKE: [ singing ] That you're my hero... > "I'm NOT Luke Skywalker and I'm NOT training to be a Jedi Knight!" TOM: [ Davey ] So there. > ". . . how can I know that when I don't have connections to your > planet, Kintobor." CROW: And that fills in our "David 'Davey "Crockett" Kintobor' Gonterman" profile. > "And I wouldn't give a phrack in hell CROW: [ Davey ] 'Cause I don't have a phrack in hell. > WHO my biological father is, he > could get--" TOM: A haircut. > Davey froze when he heard his real last name. CROW: "Finsterbocker". > "What the > phrack MIKE: He uses that word way too much. > did you call me?" CROW: I called you "Finsterbocker". Wanna make something of it? > "That's your real name, isn't it? TOM: [ Robotnik ] David Finsterbocker? > David Kintobor? MIKE: [ PA system ] David Kintobor? You have a call. > Not that callsign > you've been using when you're surfing the net." TOM: As well as *every other moment of his life*! > Charles stood in awe MIKE: [ grunting ala Tim Taylor ] Aww? > when he heard that name. Kintobor? It couldn't > be!! CROW: Well, actually, it is. > In Knothole, Bear felt the same. TOM: Pure, unbridled joy. Wait, that's us. > Neither one wanted to find out what > would come next. MIKE: The redneck family reunion! > Charles felt a sharp pain in his stomach. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Damn these intestinal parasites! > "David," Charles said slowly. "I'm afraid that he has a point. MIKE: On top of his head. > You > see, CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Fermat's Last Theorem never *has* been proven! > Kintobor is Robotnik backwards!" TOM: And Winston Churchill is an anagram for Cow Hurls Chin Lint. > "I know that Kintobor is Robotnik backwards, Chuckie? But what does > that have to do with me?!?!" MIKE: It has the world to do with you. > "A lot. MIKE: Well, that too. > Being an auto-automation in the last stage in its existence. CROW: Is that a sentence fragment of some kind? TOM: I suppose it's connected to the next sentence. CROW: Well, how're we supposed to know? TOM: We're supposed to have a telepathic link with Davey. CROW: He probably misspells in his mind. > I have been freed from my personality programming." TOM: [ high-pitched ] I'm free! Free! Free! Freeeee! > Robotnik looked more > like MIKE: Marlon Brando. > an expressionless wooden puppet than MIKE: Sharon Stone. > an evil tyrant. "You are not > aware of it, but CROW: Twinkies do rot. > Julian Kintobor came from your world. Yes, through The > Void. ALL: *Dah* dah DAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! > How else would you explain a human in a world of talking animals? CROW: Boredom on the artist's part? > He > became a brilliant military genius, and became King Acorn's war minister. TOM: As well as heir to the throne of Essex. > It wasn't until he staged his own military coup when he gave himself his MIKE: Shiny pink frilly dress. > callsign of TOM: T-Bone. > Doctor Ivo Robotnik, the Tyrant CROW: With a capital Ty. > I am an obviously poor imitation > of." CROW: Is that a sentence fragment? TOM: Yes and no. > "Yeah, absolutely crappy. Note to Snivley, and I hope you're watching. > . ." MIKE: [ Davey ] Stop overcooking my gravy! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > . . . and he was, in the Control Room. CROW: Good for him. > "If you ever throw something at me of this low quality ever again, I'll CROW: [ Davey ] Cry! > hunt you down and roboticize you myself. Is that clear, mister?" > "er, yeah, right, sure thing . . . Junior . . ." TOM: Starring Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny DeVito. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "I SHOULD DO YOU RIGHT NOW ALL: Ewwwww!! > JUST FOR CALLING ME THAT!!! I AM *NOT* > ROBOTNIK'S SON!!!" > "You don't know that. MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, yeah, I do. I'm the all-powerful author. > Before he came to Mobius, he had a family, and a > child that was too little to notice that he was gone one day and never came > back. TOM: In a cautionary tale told to youngsters. > That child must have been you, David." CROW: Or Peter Parker. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > In Knothole, time froze. TOM: Professor Frink! Cut it out with the freezing and the stopping and the timing and the things! > Everyone stopped what they were doing, their > eyes glued to the screen. MIKE: Oh, Beetlejuice's been fooling around again. > Sonia's heart sank when she finally realized who > she's been dating. TOM: Charles Manson. MIKE: OJ Simpson. CROW: Jeffrey Dahmer. TOM: Y'know what they found in his freezer? CROW: What? TOM: Ben & Jerry. BOTS: [ chuckle ] > Davey Crockett was such a nice person to her. CROW: Except for that stuff with the chains, but she liked that! MIKE: CROW... > Such a > warm and caring man-turned-fox with a friendly, though introverted CROW: Cat. > personality and chest fur that you would just love to dive into. ALL: Ewwwwww!! MIKE: I hate this fanfic. Did I say that? TOM: I think you did, once. > Who would > have known that his father was the one who brought so much pain and misery > to this world. CROW: Well, us... the proofreader(s), if such a thing exists... God... Davey's mom... Robotnik... MIKE: Is that supposed to be a question. TOM: I'm not sure; are you. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Nice story, pusbag. TOM: [ Davey ] Especially the part where you *leave*. > Still, it's bullshit. You could be saying that MIKE: [ Davey ] For sadistic pleasure! > just to cause a division between me and the Freedom Fighters. They might CROW: Pee their non-existant pants! TOM: [ random Freedom Fighter ] Eeew, they got it all over the carpet! > even want to take me out for your sins! TOM: This is the moral of our story. > Like I said, No Dice." He held the > rifle to Robotnik's head. And fired. MIKE: Mike held his hand to his mouth. CROW: And puked. > The head burts open like an overripe > melon, and silver blood squirts out the neck like a fountain. ALL: YU-U-UCK!!! > "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" CROW: [ speaker ] My toilet backed up! TOM: [ speaker ] Where's my cabbage collection? MIKE: [ speaker ] I wanted to blow Robotnik's head up! > From out of nowhere, Packbell charged the duo that could be Robotnik > and son, but that is still debatable, TOM: Boy, there's nothing like a nice, flowing narration. MIKE: Yeah, I know what you mean. ALL: And this is nothing like a nice, flowing narration. > lifted Davey off Robotnik and threw ALL: Up! > him across the room. He landed on top of the biological lock. His right > arm got stuck in the place where you put the arm in. MIKE: D'oh! Some luck! > He tried to yank it > out before the lock checked that arm for DNA, in one last gasp for hope that CROW: His souffle wouldn't pop. > he would still be innocent in Knothole, but . . . MIKE: The Grinch really *did* stop Christmas this time! > his DNA was close enough: > DNA CHECK CONFIRMED, DOCTOR ROBOTNIK. ROBOTICIZER ACTIVATED TOM: What? DNA is unique in all people except identical twins, and he would have half of his DNA from his mother, which I *think* is enough to throw off a DNA tester. CROW: Maybe it's a really sloppy lock. > For all of Mobius. MIKE: Huh? CROW: Wha? > For all of that solar system. TOM: For the solar system, *what*? > Time froze. ALL: Oh. > All was > silent. MIKE: Could you speak up? I can't hear you. > Except for the sound of one heart breaking. ALL: [ various snapping cracking glass shattering noises ] > David Kintobor's. > Otherwise known as TOM: Dog Breath Man! > Davey Crockett's. > CROW: And a space for emphasis! > Robotnik's son. CROW: I must be psychic. TOM: Huh? CROW: Check back to part 1. MIKE: OK, then what number am I thinking? CROW: Uh, it's not 751. MIKE: By golly, he's right! > MIKE: Let's get out of here. CROW: Ugh. TOM: Don't let me stop you. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL. Tom, Mike, and Crow are engaged in a discussion. Let's watch, won't we? ] CROW: Man, this story is *ba-a-ad*! MIKE: Yeah, it really is. TOM: All that dreck is is a bunch of cliches-- CROW: --overused plots-- MIKE: --idiot plots-- TOM: --plot *contrivances*-- CROW: --big explosions-- MIKE: --"subtle" references to the author-- TOM: --and an irritating, aggravating, self-pitying, author-representing IDIOT of a MAIN CHARACTER!! CROW: Ahem. I have prepared a poem in honor of this story. MIKE: Well, then, go ahead and read it. CROW: Well, more like a song. MIKE: Sing it, then. CROW: Thank you. It is entitled Davey-Kins: Story of a Freak, to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. [ singing ] Whe-e-en-ever we read fanfics, we all feel aches and pains; The crappiness surrounds us and it penetrates our brains. Yet of them, I can safely say this stands out from the rest; If being bad was being good, then this would be the best! TOM: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! CROW: If I have to read one more page, I think that I will bawl! MIKE: I now see what you're gettin' at; this guy should take a fall! TOM: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! BOTS: Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i! TOM: If I could go to Earth right now, you know what I would try? I'd seek out David Gonterman and watch him slowly die! I'd bring a few machine guns and a big flame thrower too, And when I'd finish, Dave would be a worthless pile of goo! CROW: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! TOM: If you want him gone, then Crapbusters is who ya gonna call! MIKE: I'll bet he even bought himself a Davey Crockett doll! CROW: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! ALL: Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, Um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i, um-diddle-iddle-iddle, um-diddle-i! TOM: And so this ends our tale of melancholy fate; oh well. CROW: At least we know that Davey will be headed straight to Hell! MIKE: Drew Rhine and Paul Lapansee, who also had us vexed: CROW: Wear an armored suit to bed, because you will be next! MIKE: Oh, Super-Freaky Davey's the most horrible of all! TOM: I'm still surprised and shocked that Davey even had the gall! CROW: This fanfic is so bad, he should be in Detention Ha-a-all... ALL: Super-Freaky Davey's the most horr-i-ble of all!! Yeah!! [ The Commercial Sign flashes. ] MIKE: We'll be right back. CROW: With a few machine guns. TOM: And a big flame thrower too. [ MST3K planet bumper. ] TOM: "Davey Crockett doll"? MIKE: It was the best rhyme I could think of! [ Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 6b of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 7 of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiqa4$v1l$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672311 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:31:47 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 7 of 9 [ INT SOL. Tom is off to the left of the screen talking to Mike. Crow is over on the right side. He hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] CROW: May I please speak to Davey Robotnik? [ Mobius. Observer is the only one shown. ] OBSERVER: Oh, ah, hang on, I'll see where he is. [ shouts ] Is there a Davey Robotnik anywhere here? DAVEY: [ off-screen ] Hey! OBSERVER: What? DAVEY: [ walks on ] Never mind. Who wants to talk with me? [ SOL ] CROW: I do, blubberkins. [ Mobius ] DAVEY: Hey! [ SOL ] CROW: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so sensitive about being Robotnik's son. I'll be a bit kinder. [ Mobius ] DAVEY: Oh, well, that's-- [ SOL ] CROW: NOT!! [ Mobius ] DAVEY: Look, spider-duck, I could blow you from here to kingdom come! [ SOL ] CROW: You and what robotic arm, bucko? Just bring us down there and we'll see! [ Mobius ] DAVEY: Fine, I will! Hey, Observer, bring them all down. OBSERVER: All right. [ to himself ] At least he doesn't call me Brain Guy. PEARL: [ off-screen ] Just a minute, you two! [ she walks on ] Nobody's bringing anybody down here! It's Fanfic Sign, anyway. [ SOL. The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] CROW: Crap. She's right. MIKE, TOM: Fanfic Sign!! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. ] CROW: Man, that Davey's a spaz! MIKE: Were you provoking the Mobians again? CROW: Who, me? > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 17 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "Cancer? MIKE: Oh, what an uplifting way to begin the session. > My Uncle? Oh, no!" CROW: Oh, yes! > "I'm afraid so, Sonic. All over." TOM: This fanfic, all over. > Uncle Chuck coughs in his infirmary bed CROW: OK, now put your face in your infirmary bed. Mm-hmm, now cough. > as Sonia and Sasha feed their > healing magic into him MIKE: In the form of chicken soup. > while the bobcat that used to be Sally's portable > computer, Nicole, TOM: Wondered how so many contrivances could be crammed into one fanfic. > did a diagnostic check. MIKE: [ Nicole ] Yep, I've definitely been turned into a plot contrivance. > "It was all that waste from my > former mechanical body," TOM: For the last time, HIS BODY IS STILL MECHANICAL!!! It just LOOKS real! MIKE: It's your plot point, Davey, keep it straight! > he speaks weakly. "The poison from this design > flaw almost got me. MIKE: [ Homer Simpson ] D'oh! > This is one of the reasons who almost half of all who > have been roboticized are CROW: Alive and well! > dead now CROW: Oh, oops... sorry. > including Mutski MIKE: Who? TOM: Probably a dog. See, it says "Mutt". MIKE: With one "t". > . . . He just > died five hours before you showed up. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck, suddenly cheerful ] Well, how 'bout a game of ping pong? > I'm sorry, Sonic." CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] Or we could play chess. > Sonic hid his head in his hands. CROW: Which is easy to do, with *his* size hands! > "Aw no. . . not Mutski . . . first > him, now . . . MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dick Clark? > you?" > Chuck held his nephew's head back up. TOM: And then knocked it down again just for fun. > "Now, now, sonny. CROW: [ Charles/Chuck ] In my day, we had to walk 15 miles in the snow to get cancer, uphill both ways! > I > wasn't given this new life just so I can throw it back in your face. I'll MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Throw a lemon meringue pie instead! > beat this cancer! " MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] Well, maybe not. > "And it looks like you will, Sir Charles." TOM: Yeah, here we go. CROW: What crap has David pulled out of his porcelain shrine this time? > Nicole completed her > diagnostics. MIKE: Hey, I thought she TALKED LIKE THIS. > "Thanks to your new biogenetic body given you by Davey CROW: Remember, she turned into a bobcat somehow. Probably in some fanfic we never saw. > Crockett, alias David Kintobor, and CROW: See? TOM: Shh! You want Pearl to find that fanfic? > the combined spells of Suni and Sasha, you will be cancer free in three TOM: [ Nicole ] Centuries. Will that be a problem? > weeks. You will pull through, my friend." MIKE: Through the needle in that saying. > "Really," CROW: [ Jim Carrey ] Re-he-he-heally? > Charles raises one of his now-soft-again TOM: Is it correct to use a hyphenated phrase for an adjective? MIKE: Well, it's probably just-a-little-bit allowed. > eyebrows, "er, > Nicole? Hypothetically, whatwould happen if I were just . . . MIKE: Fill-in-the-blank time! TOM: A venereal disease! CROW: Monosodium glutamate! MIKE: The Communications Decency Act! > deroboticized, straight?" MIKE: There was a crooked robot who served a crooked guy. CROW: He had a crooked laser and zapped a crooked Freedom Fighter. TOM: Not the world's best poem, but at least it's unoriginal. > "I'm afraid that my best educated guess will predict you MIKE: Star of a new rock group! TOM: Two Cheeseheads and a Sombrero! > dead in six > days." TOM: [ Nicole ] And a half. > A long and ominous pause from the planet again. MIKE: Oh, we ran out of Mako energy again! Look, just go down to the Promised Land and pick some up, would you? > Tonight was by far one > of the quietest. CROW: One of the quietest pants. > Charles sighs as he nestles back into his pillow. TOM: [ Charles/Chuck ] I love you, pillow. > "So, this is the > key, MIKE: The skeleton key. > isn't it Freedom Fighters. Clever to use a Roboticizer to undo a CROW: Pancake batter recipe. > Roboticizer. I should've seen his Father's influence in him sooner. TOM: He's influenced by a priest? MIKE: I don't think the capital F was supposed to be there. CROW: Then he's influenced by an ather? MIKE: No... > Still, > he just might be what this planet needs to be healed and whole again. CROW: What about the Lifestream? That'll work too. > By > the way,Princess, where is he?" TOM: [ Sally ] Well, Mobius, I think. > "David? Oh, he's . . . oh . . . my . . . gosh . . . SONIC!! HE'S MIKE: He's Sonic? > STILL IN ROBOTROPLIS!!!" MIKE: Oh. CROW: And that's a bad thing? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Sally and Sonic was just as stunned as even the Swats that were chasing > them when they saw from Nicole--in pocket computer form-- CROW: As opposed to fake vomit form. > Davey accidentally > unlocking the DNA Lock that proved that he was Robotnik's son, but Sonic > snapped out of it when he saw Uncle Chuck collapse from an apparent heart > attack in a far corner. ALL: WHAT?! TOM: Did we just get shoved into a flashback or something? > They dropped everything and headed to Main > Roboticizer #2 in a flash. MIKE: Copyright infringement! Copyright infringement! > They scooped up Chuck BOTS: Ewww! > and grabbed Tails, BOTS: Ewwwww!! > then > they were shouting for Davey to MIKE: Toss them a long bomb! > snap out of it. > The details of the next five minutes were very fuzzy. TOM: Did they tickle? > They only > comprised of MIKE: Hidden footage from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail! > a cry that came from the deepest depths of BOTS: The audience. > David Kintobor's > anguished soul, and the sight of Main Roboticizer #2 descending to Hell as CROW: Yeah, there's a special 10th level of Hell for machines. Gimme a break. > they all streaked to Knothole, fearing that an errant Power Rifle blast > would hit them. . . TOM: Pop! There they go. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > "YOU LEFT HIM IN ROBOTROPLIS?!?" Sonia had her up against the wall. CROW: Woo-hoo! > "How could you, Sally Acorn? Did you leave him to die?!?!" CROW: Woo-hoo and a half! > Sally couldn't answer. The shock of the revelation over Davey has yet > to sink in her. TOM: [ Slappy Squirrel ] Thank you, Mr. Exposition. > "Dammit!" Sonia dropped the Princess and booked toward the smoldering > ruins at 300mph. All others just stood there stunned, CROW: [ all others ] Our dream come true at last... > some shaking it off > to join in the search party. MIKE: Gotta search for our missing six-pack. > "Oh my stars, Sally girl. This hear's somthin' to wake you up in th' > mornin', nothing like a good shock plot twist." ALL: And this is nothing like a good shock plot twist. > "Man, I can't believe it. Davey Crockett is Robuttnik's . . . son?" > "I'm afraid so, Sonic. Only a person with a DNA pattern close > enough to match Robotnik's DNA pattern can open up that lock." TOM: I still say that wouldn't work. > "Damn, first King Acorn almost became a crystalline figure, now this." > This is the first time Tails ever used a cuss word. No one bothered to get > out the soap. MIKE: Because that would be a useless add-on to an already rambling story. CROW: So why again didn't they? MIKE: D'oh. > Elizabeth Racoon, TOM: Chris? CROW: No, that was Rebecca. TOM: Oh yeah. > who didn't get that Meeko joke Davey said about his > hat the first day he arrived at Knothole, MIKE: As if we care. > was the only one to raise her > voice, which was normal for her. CROW: As if we care. > "You mean that somebody was desperate > enough to become Ms. Robotnik?" TOM: As if we care. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Um, Mike's expected heart rate. MIKE: Ack! > > Bear found him first. He started as soon as he knew about David > Kintobor, so he had a head start. He saw the grief-stricken cyborg CROW: Last call, guys! MIKE: I am Borg, Borg, bo-borg, banana fanna fo-forg, me-mi-mo-morg, Borg! CROW: I am PowerMac of Borg. You will bomb! TOM: [ muttered ] Get bent. [ normal ] I am Windows of Borg. I am supposed to assimilate several things at once, but when itryelfg ;h 'rthjy' tjuty kj, GPF 13208r3425:321 cause an error in KERNEL386.EXE CROW: [ muttered ] Bite me. [ normal ] I am Dyslexic of Borg! Your ass will be laminated! MIKE: Crow! Er, I am Dot of Borg. You will be cute... TOM: I am Mattel of Borg. Some assimilation required. CROW: I am Xerox of Borg. You would be assimilated. but while we invented the assimilation process, we didn't make use of it and gave it to Apple of Borg. TOM: I am Windows of Borg. Your memory and disc space will be assimilated. MIKE: Welcome to Borger King. We do it our way. "Your way" is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. You want fries with that? CROW: Welcome to Borg-TV. You will be assimilated after this word from our sponsor. MIKE: I am Clinton of Borg. Your paycheck will be assimilated! TOM: I am Win95 of Borg. You will be assimilated slowly and a year behind schedule. Even then you'll claim to be a cutting edge borg, but you won't do anything that previous borgs couldn't do. CROW: That does it! [ Crow leaps at Tom. A battle begins. ] MIKE: Guys, cut it out! > fox > amongst smoldering rubble, robot parts, oil flowing like rivers, and a BOTS: [ stop fighting ] Aaack!! MIKE: Whew. > broken glass tube. Packbell, Snivley, and the beheaded body of the A-A MIKE: -A. > Robotnik were nowhere to be found. > "Still alive," Davey swore out loud. BOTS: Damn. > "Damn you, Dad. Damn you to > hell. Guess I can't be killed outright. CROW: Crap. > Too much bad karma, I guess. > Wished it was *mine*, tho'." TOM: So do we, Davey. So do we. > He got up to start the long walk back to > Knothole-- CROW: The *very* long walk to Knothole; I think it's something like 200 miles. > he no longer regrets giving Antoine his hoverbike--not noticing > the old grey fox nearby. MIKE: [ old grey fox ] Where's my applesauce? > "I heard. All on Knothole heard." > No answer. TOM: [ Davey ] Zark off. > "David? We . . . We don't blame you for what your father did. It > appears that he screwed us *all* over." ALL: Ewwwww!! > No answer. > "Son . . . I don't know what to say to you. MIKE: [ speaker ] You dumbhead! > You just came here, and in > a matter of weeks, you did what we were unable to do in over a decade. You TOM: [ speaker ] Programmed our VCR! > just successfully deroboticized someone--Sir Charles of all people--and he's > going to live." MIKE: [ speaker ] Unfortunately. > Davey turned his head to the fatherly figure with red glowing eyes. He > tossed the Power Rifle toward him. "You wanna shoot off a leg this time?" CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > Bear looked as if Davey went up and slapped him dead in the face. CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > "Young man, I don't know what hell hole mudball of a planet you and your CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > father came from, but I hate to disappoint you; we do not thank our heros by CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > lining them up against the wall and shooting them dead, no matter *what* CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > their parents have done!" CROW: D'oh! > Davey gave him a very distrusting look, "I am MIKE: Pork Boy, the breakfast monkey! > very disapointed in you," TOM: [ Darth Vader ] Your lack of pants displeases me. > then he turned around, and continued walking. CROW: Off a short pier. > As the solitary figure left the scene, a shadow of a robot monkey--it > looked like MIKE: Tom Arnold. > Coconuts, CROW: That seems dirty somehow. > but the shadow looked bulkier somehow-- CROW: And I *know* *that's* dirty. > rose from the > far end of the rubble and aimed a plasma rifle at the figure. CROW: [ chanting ] Do it! Do it! > "No," CROW: D'oh! > came a voice from behind, it sounded like Scratch's. "Not > tonight. He's had enough for one day. We'll kill him next time." CROW: Isn't that, I dunno, STUPID?! MIKE, TOM: Yes. CROW: Just checking. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 18 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > New blood joins this earth > and quikly he's subdued ALL: "Quikly"?! MIKE: Sheesh. TOM: This author would misspell "teh". CROW: And "mispell". > through constant pain disgrace > the young boy learns their rules MIKE: Oh, another song. Whoop-de-doo. > with time the child draws in > this whipping boy done wrong TOM: So... > deprived of all his thoughts > the young man struggles on and on he's known CROW: Yeah, good for the young man. > a vow unto his own > that never from this day MIKE: Will anyone steal his peanut butter. > his will they'll take away TOM: It's my will! Gimme it! > what I've felt CROW: Madonna! > what I've known TOM: Nothing! > never shined through in what I've shown CROW: So what do we do now? > never be MIKE: I know! Let's sing the Tupperware Song! TOM: [ singing ] Some folks use wax paper, some folks use the Reynolds Wrap... > never see CROW: [ singing ] Some folks use the plastic baggie, to try to cover up the gap... > won't see what might have been MIKE: [ singing ] You can use most anything, to keep your goodies from the air... > what I've felt ALL: [ singing ] But nothing works as well as that good old Tupperware! > what I've known CROW: He's repeating himself. > never shined through in what I've shown CROW: He's repeating himself. MIKE: Uh, Crow? CROW: Aack! It's contagious! > never free > never me MIKE: Never glee. TOM: Never "ni". CROW: Never pee. > so I dub thee TOM: Mud. > unforgiven > they dedicate their lives CROW: To Muenster. > to running all of his MIKE: Well, how many lives does he have? > he tries to please them all CROW: The fool. > this bitter man he is CROW: The fool. MIKE: Now don't start that again. > throughout his life the same TOM: He must live a very boring life. > he's battled constantly MIKE: He's trapped in an RPG! > this fight he cannot win MIKE: A rigged RPG! > a tired man they see no longer cares BOTS: Mike. MIKE: Hey! > the old man then prepares > to die regretfully CROW: Woo-hoo! > that old man here is me TOM: [ old man ] So bring me my soup! > what I've felt > what I've known > never shined through in what I've shown CROW: I wouldn't touch that line with a 29 and a half foot pole! > never be > never see MIKE: Never gee. TOM: Never Lee. CROW: Never... uh, never "Z". > won't see what might have been > what I've felt CROW: Suni? MIKE, TOM: CROW!! > what I've known > never shined through in what I've shown TOM: Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever... > never free > never me TOM: Never knee. CROW: Never fee. MIKE: Deedle dee dee. > so I dub the unforgiven MIKE: [ singing ] Electric Barbarella! > you labeled me > I'll label you TOM: Politically correct. > so I dub the unforgiven CROW: Wouldn't subtitles work just as well? > > The rainstorm that accompanied Davey back to Knothole matches the TOM: I'm gonna hurl. I'm *going* to *hurl*. > bleakness in Davey's heart. MIKE: When you open your heart... ALL: It hurts! > His head hung low, he dragged his tail, and his > feet as he stepped. CROW: His feet as he stepped WHAT?! > The water that hit him was allowed to just flow down > anywhere, ALL: Ewwww! > soaking the fur, making it stink. TOM: Oh, that's just the fanfic. > Or, maybe it was raining because the Floating Island was passing > overhead, and the water was actually coming from a river that fell off the > edge. ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh... > At the ledge, a lone red enchida MIKE: I'm hungry. CROW: Well, how about an enchilada? MIKE: Yeah! > looks down to the Forest and sees CROW: It for the trees. > the lonely fox. "Bummer," TOM: Whoa, like totally, that bums me out or like some junk. > the enchida said to himself, "you poor devil . . CROW: Half right. TOM: [ chuckles ] > . may Destiny have mercy on you, bub." MIKE: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Pick two fingers. TOM: Woop woop woopwoopwoop! > There were others there; the eyes of all of Mobius were upon this fox. CROW: He just thinks he's the center of attention. TOM: Even the eyes of the people on the other side of the planet? MIKE: I didn't know Mobius had eyes. > He imagined the entire populace gathered on both sides, in gnauletfashion, TOM: What's a gnauletfashion? CROW: "Gnaulet"? Hm. Probably it's "gauntlet". > watching him as he passed them by; all of them knowing who he is, all of > them knowing that he's the son of TOM: Bob Dole! MIKE, CROW: > the man who caused all this pain and > suffering. > The mere thought of it made the fox strike his chest; MIKE: [ thumps chest ] > the sign of being > struck dead. All his life, he was forced to CROW: Watch terrible movies! MIKE: Some people watch movies willingly, you know. CROW: Weirdos. > answer, unjustly, for the > atrocities some of his ancestors have done, evil deeds that were buried in TOM: A section of land near Washington, DC? > centuries of history, evil deeds that are too eagerly dug up by resentful > minorities and shoved in his face, TOM: Like chunks of a rotting corpse. MIKE: Eww! CROW: Y'know, he's complaining about minorities, but he's in a world of many- species anthropomorphs in which *everyone* is a minority! MIKE, TOM: [ think about this for a moment and burst into laughter ] > as if he himself had done those same > acts. CROW: So, was Davey scared by a minority when he was young? MIKE: Crow! > He took the first chance he could get to get away from that unfair > circumstance by coming to this planet, and now, God help this poor white MIKE: Rich American. CROW: Poor and rich? MIKE: Oops. > soul, it was all laid directly on his shoulders, because the distance of > time between the atrocities and himself was cut from 400 years to just a few > months. CROW: Geez, Davey really has issues! MIKE: Maybe you were right. > It was all too much to bear. TOM: Isn't that that fox character with the weird name? MIKE: [ slightly patronizing ] No, this's just a verb, Tom. > When he could no longer take another step in the now muddied path, his > knees buckled, sank into the mud. ALL: [ splatting ] > the rest of the body followed in kind, as > he lied prostrate CROW: Ewww! > under a willow tree, hid his face in his arms, and sobbed. ALL: [ little baby ] Waaaaahh!! > The search party found him lying there, dead-like, under the willow. CROW: No, I most certainly will NOT low! > Sonia rushed up to him and laid over the crying boyfriend. "Oh, Dear Bright TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Starlight Pony Princess. > Lady Above. Destiny have mercy on all our souls. . . " She pulls him out > of the mud he was sinking in. MIKE: Just before he submerges. BOTS: Crap. > "It's okay . . . s'okay . . . " She embraces > this lost soul and TOM: Oh no. CROW: Oh, please-- > slurps at his tears, like he has done to her earlier. BOTS: Ewwww! > "I > still love you. I still love you sooooo much. . . " CROW: God knows why. > The Princess was only a shadow in the shadows when she softly said, > "C'mon, let's take you home." CROW: Noo, not back to Earth! > Real eyes were watching him this time, knowing who he is, MIKE: David Finsterbocker. > and who his > father is, CROW: Bob Finsterbocker. > and they were all following him as he continued his long walk > home. TOM: Kinda like crazy old Uncle Ralph Finsterbocker. > However, there was something the lonely fox failed to notice: These > eyes were not filled with anger, or revenge, but TOM: Amanda Hugginkiss. > sorrow. Some of them even > had tears. ALL: > But none of them spoke a word. TOM: [ random Mobian ] Word. MIKE, CROW: [ random Mobians ] Ssshhhhh! > Nor did they spoke when the fox arrived at Knothole, in the blackness > of night, with only a bonfire as light and heat. CROW: Like the intro to Dungeon Keeper! TOM: Any minute now his head's gonna get chopped off. > All activity and sound > stopped suddenly TOM: Screeeee-- MIKE: Crash! > as he entered, all eyes turned to him as they followed him > across the village, toward his hut, and through the door. Nothing resumed > for a few long seconds after the door was closed behind him. CROW: [ crickets calling ] > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 19 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: Just this and one more, according to Crow. > > He stayed in his hut for about a week afterward, alternating between > tears and dreamless sleep. Sonia stayed by his bedside constantly, TOM: This is just an "Altered Destiny" rehash! > comforting him, stroking his warm orange fur. She told him how his father, > Julian Kintobor, came to this world, and his change into Robotnik: CROW: And how the heck would she know?! > > "Your father, Dr. Julian David Kintobor, and his > wife, Astillia Jalisca Kintobor, ALL: [ snicker ] > split up in your > world. He was crushed, broken hearted, CROW: Squished... TOM: Squashed... MIKE: Squished and squashed and trampled... > and felt sorry > for his young son--you, David Jim TOM: Varney. > Kintobor. He found > the Void . . . and Mobius. He served as a bright, > thin, BOTS: Thin?! > red-headed Second Guard in the Great War, second > to TOM: Phil Hart. > my father, High Commander Wallace Hedgehog. MIKE: What about Gromit? > He lost > *his* left arm in CROW: A Dairy Queen. > battle, which was replaced by Uncle MIKE: Fester! > Chuck as he was beta testing the original Roboticizer. > Yet, unlike you, CROW: He could write a fanfic. > he vowed revenge on all animals for > his left arm. He took his nephew, Sir Regenald Snout, ALL: [ snort ] > and devised a plan to get even with the state and rule > Mobius. While beta testing CROW: The new version of AOL? > one of his machines, which > collects the darker sides of Nature's delicate balance, TOM: You wouldn't *believe* how hard it is for bears to balance their check accounts. > it exploded, transforming your father and his nephew > into the present-day MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Batman and Robin. > Dr. Ivo Robotnik and Snivley." MIKE: Close enough. > > The others trickled in and out, TOM: Don't they have a doctor in Knothole? CROW: Now that's a "dishonorable discharge". MIKE: CROW!! > one by one, throughout this time. TOM: [ singing ] We three Mobians traveled so far... CROW: [ singing ] How we wish that we had a car.. MIKE: [ singing ] Westward leading, still proceeding, I don't know what the other words are... > Sally came in first, while Davey was asleep. She hung a medallion over his > head and placed the metal CROW: [ quickly ] Medal. > in his paw. "The first of many, I hope," she > said as she kissed him. > Antoine came in next after a long while. CROW: What's a while? MIKE: That must be a new species. TOM: Yeah, "loadicus ofcrapia". > "Misu CROW: [ quickly ] Monsieur. > Crockett? Bonjour. I > just want to give you some theengz." TOM: Gesundheit. > He laid down some mementos MIKE: Not "momentos"! ALL: Hallelujah! > on Davey's > dresser: A picture here, a pocket watch there, some metals CROW: [ quickly ] Medals. > housed in a TOM: Pistol case. > display. "Your fathair meant theez for you. MIKE: Y'know, whenever he talks, I think "Hoek". > He also left thiz behind. It > waz hiz uniform before he became ze evil Robitnik. ALL: [ snicker ] CROW: Yeah, he bit the big nik! > For zis > we are all sorry, my friend." TOM: [ Antoine ] For zis fanfic, we are all very sorry. > Antoine draped the old Acorn uniform over Davey's body, like a blanket, > and he saluted as he left. MIKE: He saluted the drapes. CROW: Needs glasses. > Uncle Chuck showed up as soon as he was able, once he got from the bed > to the wheelchair left over from when Mighty was crippled trying to rescue > Vixie. TOM: In that other fanfic we never mentioned before and will never mention again. > The fox who meant so much in so little time CROW: I'm really gonna heave. MIKE: Sure, Crow. CROW: I mean it this time. MIKE: Right, Crow. > was awake when he > arrived. Sonic was with them too, who saw the picture. TOM: [ Sonic ] Who's the horse? > "Hey, who's this > skinny guy with the red hair next to you, Chuck? Looks like he skipped his > dinner." > "That, Nephew, is Julian Kintobor, . . . as he once was." MIKE: Before the Quickening. > "Robotnik? No way?" > "Yeah, we were best buds, him, Wallace, and CROW: Feathers McGraw. > me. We did *everything* > together. Here David, I stored every home movie I have on your father in MIKE: [ Charles/Chuck ] My lucky Zip disk. > this holocube." He hands Davey something that looks like a painted-over > Rubic's CROW: [ quickly ] Rubix. TOM: No, it's Rubik's. > Cube. Davey found the play button. MIKE: [ Davey ] Oh, here it--no, that's--wait, is this--no, that's not it, what about--darn it! > A young thin red-haired Julian sat with two hedgehogs--Wallace and ALL: Gromit! TOM: That's what this fanfic needs! A penguin evildoer! > Charles--for a beer CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, booze! Heh-heh-heh... > during some idle time. "You know," the young thin red > haired TOM: [ singing ] Flying purple people eater! > Julian said, "maybe I *should* bring my son here. He'd love this > planet. . . " > Davey was awestruck ALL: Awwwwww... > when he heard that voice. Last time he did, he was > in that man's arms, as an infant. "Daddy. . . " TOM: Shut up and bring me a beer! > ". . . good land, good trees, and a good life. CROW: Nonono, this is Mobius. It's "the Great Land, the Great Trees, and the Great Life". > I love this planet, and > I don't think I'll do anything to change it." CROW: [ Julian ] Guwuhahahahaha!! > The young thin red-haired TOM: Shouldn't that have commas? MIKE: Let's see... red-haired thin young... yes, it should. > Julian and the two hedgehogs lifted up their > steins-- CROW: [ Ben Stein ] Red eyes? No problem, dude. TOM: [ Ben Stein ] Win my--Ben Stein's--money! > Julian's was one of the trinkets--for a toast: "Here Here! For a > peaceful Mobius!!" BOTS: To a clean toilet! MIKE: Where do you get this stuff? > More tears well up in Davey's eyes. He missed his father so. TOM: [ Slappy Squirrel ] Thank you, Mr. Unwanted Information. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: Davey's IQ score: so low, they needed 76 minus signs to show it. > > Davey finally had a dream during the last night of his 'mourning.' He MIKE: Spaz attacked! > fell asleep in Sonia's arms while cradling the holocube. TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, holocube... MIKE: Tom! > In his dream, he > was human again, CROW: [ ducks down, comes back up minus the fox outline ] Whoa! MIKE: Hm? CROW: I just dreamt I was a robot again, and now look! MIKE: Mm-hmm. > and he was with a tall dark-skinned, silver-haired woman, TOM: Something tells me Davey just got a 2 for the price of 1 adjective deal. > who reminded him of Haven, CROW: Quoth the Haven: "Eat my shorts!" > a character from the comic book, X-Factor. > > "Your father went his own way, David Kintobor. MIKE: Westward ho! > Maybe he just wanted a > place where he could be the master of the house. Fortunately, you will not > share his destiny. I should know, that's my name." ALL: [ Destiny ] Don't wear it out. > "So you're this Destiny deity I keep hearing about here on Mobius." > "You didn't expect a goddess, child?" CROW: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! > "I did expect that. CROW: But I just said nobody does! > Picked that part up from prayers to you. I didn't > expect you to look like a comic book character I know, tho'" TOM: Shorthand typing. Where've we seen that before? MIKE: Better to ask where we *haven't*. > "I'm using images in your memory so I can be able to communicate to you > easily. Rhadna Dastoor's [From the universe of your mentioned comic book] ALL: As if we care. > form suits me to a 'T'. Besides, the writer of this story wanted as least > one good character who's a diffrent ethnicity than w--" MIKE: Y'know, it's funny. All this fuss about how black people are discriminating against whites, and they've singled out Davey for some reason, and this is the first black person in the entire story. TOM: Hm. CROW: True. > "Why, your majesty," a voice--Davey's voice--came from down a street, > in a Mobotropolis in repair. "It's nice to see that your aim has improved." > "My aim, Crockett?" King Acorn said--*King Acorn!* ALL: Waugh! CROW: Don't scream! > "Tell me, where on > Mobius did The Void spit you out in?" TOM: On... in... > "A few blocks down from here . . . up to my neck in Swats." This Davey > was dressed up in his father's uniform. MIKE: A shiny pink frilled tutu! > ". . . oops . . . " CROW: [ King Acorn ] I meant to drop you off in Robotnik's HQ. > "Buuuut, TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh-huh-huh-huh, he said "butt". Huh-huh-huh. > Sally was in there too, so I'd say that your aim was pretty > well on." > Acorn laughs. "Very well, my friend. So, where's my daughter now?" TOM: [ Davey ] Jail. > "Over in that chapel, as the first maid in my wedding." > David looked to Destiny. "My wedding?" > "To Sonia." CROW: Aarckh! MIKE: What? CROW: Yuck. MIKE: Oh. > "Ma'am, I must know. . . will be, or could be?" CROW: Hopefully won't be. > "Might be. MIKE: [ Davey ] Now, that's not one of the choices I gave you. > Future telling's a hit-or-miss business, even to goddesses. TOM: [ Destiny ] Even though I'm perfect in every way. > What you see around you are several time lines combined in one composite. CROW: I am getting more and more convinced that Davey has read "Altered Destiny". MIKE: Yeah, the unMSTed version. > Here's one where you married earlier, and have two > wonderful children, ALL: Nooo! > a fox boy and a hedgehog girl. . . and here, where you > had to assume the role as Mobius' king ALL: Nooooo! > when The Royal House of Acorn fell > during the climatic battle with Robotnik. There are even futures where you > are not alive in here, ALL: Yeaaah! > but are immortalized in stone. ALL: D'oh! > However, all of these > separate time lines have one thing in common: TOM: Snausages! > As on undoing what his father > has done, not because of shame or guilt, as on Earth, but for the mutual > affection and comradeship of his fellow Mobians. MIKE: That made nearly no sense. CROW: I concur. > That is your destiny, > David Kintobor." TOM: Believe It Or Not! > "Fellow Mobians? But do I get back to Earth in any of--Destiny? Wait, > where ya' going?" CROW: [ Destiny ] Away. > "I'm not MIKE: [ Destiny ] Destiny, but I play her on TV. > going anywhere, child--David-- MIKE: [ singing softly ] Are you sleeping... CROW: [ singing softly ] Are you sleeping... > You are. Someone's waking- > Daaavid-- MIKE: [ singing softly ] David K... CROW: [ singing softly ] David K... > you up for something--Daviddd-- MIKE: [ singing softly ] Something something something... CROW: [ singing softly ] Something something something... > Don't worry, We'll meet again. . .- > *David?*" MIKE: [ singing softly ] Ding ding dong... CROW: [ singing softly ] Ding ding dong... > Davey opened his eyes to find that the holocube was calling him. A TOM: Yeah, right! > yellow square was blinking. He pushes it, and hears his father's voice: TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Stop whining, ya wuss. > > "David, son, if you're hearing this, MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Everything you know is wrong. > then a lot of > stuff has definetly CROW: [ quickly ] Definitely. > gone wrong. Mobius would be > plunged into utter darkness, no doubt by TOM: The CDA. > me, and you > are probably asked to clean up my mess. MIKE: Pooper-Scooper time! > I would just > love to say that I didn't mean it, but by now I've CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Called out a contract on your life. > probably become that evil bastard CROW: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! > you would want to see > dead TOM: Yep. > and I don't want to come to you as a liar. MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] I want to come to you as Sharon Stone. > At the > time I'm putting this down, MIKE: Hitler is still in power. TOM: Stonehenge was just discovered. CROW: Easter Island: under construction. > I've got my replacement > arm, and I'm CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Raul Julia in disguise! > increasingly becoming more resentful about > it. I don't know TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] How to multiply decimals. > . . . how much longer MIKE: [ Robotnik/Julian ] I need to cook my chicken. > . . . I can > hold out. > I don't think, by the time you're hearing this, CROW: The author will have improved any. > you can do anything to save me . . . only to TOM: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Finish my chicken for me. > avenge me. CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Against the chicken-haters of the world. > When this . . . evil . . . Robotnik . . . finally takes MIKE: Leave of his senses. TOM: Leave of Davey's senses! > over my soul, I will cease to be the good man you know > as . . . CROW: [ Robotnik/Julian ] Frere Jacques. > your father. But, there is a way I can still MIKE: [ nature documentary ] Pass my genes on to the next generation. > do something . . . for your sake. CROW: Please say it's a mercy killing! > into a pocket computer, much like Nicole was before she > got a body.> TOM: In that one fanfic you'll never see. > I've managed to backup what's left of my > good side into this computer, CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!! MIKE: What?! CROW: This is one of the worst plot contrivances yet!! He's copied his brain into a computer? TOM: Yeah! And it's been done before! He had that same plot contrivance in "Sonic: The Mobius Chronicles"! CROW: Every one of his stories is just the same thing, over and over, repeating the one plot he knows how to spell! > along with everything I > could glean from . . . MIKE: My pet guppy. CROW: Get thee gone, incompetent! > my bad side . . . I sincerely > hope that this will aid you in your quest. > Oh, God CROW: Yes? MIKE: Crow, you are not God. CROW: Tell that to my worshippers. TOM: What worshippers?! > . . . Please give me . . . the time . . . TOM: 8:21 PM. > struggled> CROW: Dang. > . . . I > don't want you to remember me . . . MIKE: Don't worry; we didn't plan to. > as the man I will . TOM: Kill! > . . become . . . in just a few short . . . seconds . . CROW: 8 seconds... > . I want . . . you . . . my son . . . MIKE: Luke... > to remember me . CROW: 7... > . . Iv--Julian MIKE, TOM: Gesundheit. > . . . Rob--Kintobor . . . as the man CROW: 6... > that was . . . nev-*was before* TOM: What is the point of this little scene? MIKE: I cannot answer that. > . . . son, I don't know CROW: 5... > . . . what pit in Hell . . . I'm going into TOM: Probably number three. MIKE: Which one is that? TOM: I have *no* idea. > . . . but I CROW: 4... > want you to . . . forg-remember . . . CROW: 3... > . . . thought> . . . I love you, my son . . . al . . . ways . CROW: 1... > . . " CROW: Zero! > "Ohmygod. Sonia. He must've become Robotnik at that exact second. MIKE: Hey, excellent timing, Crow! CROW: Thank you. > And his last cleart hought MIKE: Could you be a little clearter? CROW: I hought I was! > . . . was for me. . ." TOM: [ Davey ] And he wrapped it up in a gift package! How sweet! > IT WAS. CROW: The Was. TOM: [ singing ] And she was! > It was the computer again, this time in a clear CROW: Shotglass. > , CROW: Oh, there's a comma. > if computer generated, > voice. HELLO, DAVID. ALL: Noooo! MIKE: Stop shouting! > I'M JULIAN. I'M YOUR POCKET COMPUTER WILLED TO YOU BY CROW: We're going deaf! > YOUR DAD, JUST BEFORE HE BECAME THE EVIL DOCTOR ROBOTNIK YOU KNOW TODAY. TOM: I can't hear myself think! CROW: I can't hear you think either! TOM: You're not supposed to. CROW: Oh yeah. > "I know that, er, Julian, but why?" CROW: [ Julian ] The author's running low on contrivances, so he's reusing me. > "Maybe he wanted to be with you," Sonia answered, "as his last words > said." > THAT IS CORRECT, BUT I SERVE A HIGHER PURPOSE. MIKE: The CDA. > YOU SEE, SON, MOBIUS IS TOM: Ill-conceived and unwanted. > A BIG PLACE, MUCH LIKE EARTH, CROW: And according to StH:TMC, it *is* Earth. TOM: That's another thing. Each of Davey's stories contradict the last. > AND THERE IS AN AWFUL LOT OF IT YOU DON'T KNOW > ABOUT, CROW: If he only knew how right he is. > MUCH LESS AWARE OF IT'S EXISTENCE. MIKE: And what the *hell* is that supposed to mean? > YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A GUIDE TO TOM: The galaxy. > SHOW YOU WHERE EVERYTHING'S AT. CROW: [ spaced-out ] Like, that's where it's at, dude. > LIKE NICOLE WAS TO PRINCESS SALLY, I WILL > BE YOUR GUIDE THROUGH THIS WORLD OF MOBIUS. I CAN BE ATTACHED TO YOUR ARM; MIKE: Like the South American leech. > JUST SNAP ME ON TOP OF YOUR CONTROL PANEL. > "Very well," Davey said as he snapped his new add-on in place, "looks > like you've got the job. Welcome aboard . . . BOTS: [ singing ] A three-hour tour... A three-hour tour... > Dad." > [ Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 7 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 8 of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiqbc$v1r$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672322 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:32:28 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 8 of 9 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Page 20 > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- MIKE: The end is in sight... > > Princess Sally wanted to do two things with the revelation that Davey > Crockett is Robotnik's son: One, CROW: Fertilize her garden. > she wanted Davey to remember and keep what > Robotnik was before, that good and noble Mobius-loving Julian Kintobor that > was in fact Davey's father. And the other, TOM: Scare off burglars. > and this keeps her up at night, TOM: Whoop-de-doo. > she didn't want Davey to associate any feelings he had for his father on > Robotnik himself, MIKE: But Robotnik is his father! > so that when he should meet him one day, he would not have > that between himself and defeating him, CROW: So Davey's gonna defeat himself. TOM: Seems so. > even if he has to do it by killing > him. CROW: And he's gonna kill himself. TOM: Sounds like it. MIKE: No, no, I think the "himself" and "he" are Davey, but the two "him"s are Robotnik/Julian. CROW: The reverse image of Oedipus Rex, eh? > That's what she wanted to do when they gave David all of Julian's > trinkets and clothing during that rainy week afterward. She also wanted to MIKE: Start collecting bottle caps. > do a mock TOM: Hey, Sal's a MSTie too! > funeral for Julian Kintobor, for the benefit of his son, CROW: Ed Asner! > David. CROW: D'oh! MIKE: You were close, though. > It was supposed to be done according to Mobian custom, but they had to wing > it at some places. > Like actually having something to bury. Davey done this CROW: Can't done this. > --he *had* to > do it. TOM: Sonic had a gun to his throat! > Mobian custom--by PKZIPping ALL: Gesundheit. > the entire contents of Julian, his new > pocket computer with his father's memories, into his remaining supply of 3 > 1/2 inch disks MIKE: Oh, come on, he'd need hundreds! > he brought with him from Earth. He placed them in a cigar CROW: Warehouse. > box some of Dad's metals were stored in. It was too small for bed sheets, TOM: In fact, it was too small for a bed. > so he wrapped it in a pillow case. "It looks like I done *cremated* the > man," Davey commented. > Davey carried the 'coffin' with both hands, CROW: As opposed to one hand, his left tail, and a foot. > draped in another item > brought in from Earth; MIKE: His gun rack! > the flag of Davey's country, referred to as > "America." TOM: Sentence fragments. CROW: Davey spoke in. MIKE: We made fun of. > It made a perfect pall. MIKE: [ Barney ] Hi! Will you be my pall? BOTS: AAAAAAAA!! > Davey had on his father's uniform, CROW: Which fit his head perfectly. > which was *his* now, even though the pants were baggy and the sleeves were > too long--Julian *was* a human, after all-- TOM: Well, du-u-uh. > and a black sash wrapped around > him, a'bakhat,' CROW: What's that? [ Mobius ] PEARL: Ew, I remember that from "Two Shades of Sally". [ Theater ] TOM: Oh. > Sally called it; something he should wear for the next ten > days he was told. MIKE: A comma-removing device I believe. > He led the march toward the gravesite, followed by the > rest of the Freedom Fighters, some of them surprised to find themselves TOM: Wearing frilly teddies. > crying over the pseudo-death of their enemy. Davey was crying more over the > beauty of the ceremony itself. > According to custom again, a certain Mobian requiem would be played, or > sung, or whatever, ALL: SHUT UP!! > during this funeral march. Davey selected something from > his collection of CDs CROW: Now when did he bring all of this crap from Earth? Before or after he got his arm replaced and went through the Void, never to return? > for the right song. It was played by Sonic on his > guitar, since he heard that song being played, and it thought it was MIKE: Catchphrase alert. > 'way > past cool.' he sang the words over an acoustic guitar that twanged up and > down . . . > TOM: Not another song! MIKE: This is like a bad Disney cyberpunk comedy! > Voices, A thousand, thousand voices CROW: [ howling ] STOP IT!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! > Whispering, the time has passed for choices TOM: Oh, I see, like for example, it's too late for Davey's parents to choose abstinence. > Golden days are passing over, yeah > I can't seem to see you Daddy CROW: Cause I'm the son of the Invisible Man, Daddy. > Although my eyes are open wide MIKE: Wide, wide, wide, snap. > But I know I'll see you once more > When I see you, I'll see you on the other side CROW: Of love... > Yes, I'll see you, I'll see you on the other side TOM: Of the street. > Leaving, I hate to see you cry MIKE: Ba-du-ba-du-du... > Grieving, I hate to say goodbye MIKE: Ba-du-ba-du-du... > Dust and ash forever, yeah > Though I know we must be parted CROW: Well, our hair, at least. > As sure as stars are in the sky MIKE: No, no, they're down, down, down underneath us, down... CROW: Mike, stop it. > I'm gonna see you when it comes to glory MIKE: Down... > And I'll see you, I'll see you on the other side MIKE: Of eternity. > Yes, I'll see you, I'll see you on the other side TOM: Of my toast. > Never thought I'd feel like this CROW: Never thought I'd feel a kiss... and I was right, too. > Strange to feel alone > But we'll be together CROW: In Hell. > Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone > Hold me, hold me tight, ALL: No! > I'm falling > Far away, distant voices calling MIKE: If only we were distant. > I'm so cold, I need you by me, yeah > I was down, but now I'm flying > Straight across the great divide MIKE: And then down, down-- BOTS: MIKE!! > I know you're crying, but I'll stop your crying > When I see you, I'll see you on the other side TOM: The dark side of the moon. > Yes, I'll see you, I'll see you on the other side CROW: Of Orson Welles. > I'm gonna see you, see you on the other side MIKE: OK. > God knows I'll see you, see you on the other side, yeah. TOM: I know already! > > Davey lowered it to the grave, allowed to place it directly in there > with his hand--It was *small,* after all-- CROW: Yeah, it only took up a couple of acres. > then he allowed everybody else do > actually do the burying, one handful at the time. Suni held him as he cried CROW: Oh no. > on her shoulder all that time. CROW: No. NO. > This time, it was *her* that licked away his > tears, as he himself had done just a few months ago. CROW: AAAAARGH!!! > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Ten Days Later: MIKE: Davey went to a hockey game and the apocalypse broke out. > It was a bright sunny day when Davey finally got out of the hut. It > also matched the brightfullness CROW: Is that even a word? TOM: Is "gnauletfashion" a word? CROW: Good point. > of his heart. It was as if all of Mobius > was welcoming David Kintobor, a.k.a. Davey Crockett, into their arms as one > of its own. TOM: My god, I am glad that this is close to ending. > He and Sonia were romping around the forest in a game of tag > after a quickie CROW: EEEEWWWW!!! > breakfast. CROW: oh. MIKE: Betcha wish you didn't have such a dirty mind *now*, don't you? > They tumbled into an oversized ball of fur and > quills TOM: And Davey died of puncture wounds. > when they tackled each other, bouncing around for a while before > ending up with one of the two in a pinning predicament. TOM: Please? > The score was tied > when they roll around the Power Ring Lake and near Princess Sally, when the > two pop out for the last time. This match is to be a draw. CROW: Oh, well, thanks for ruining the last possible vestige of suspense. > "Good morning, Davey, or is it David?" TOM: Lump Chunkbuns. > "Davey, David, Dave, whatever. As long as you mean me." MIKE: Oh, so "craphead" will do? How lovely. > " I'm glad to see that you're feeling better, my > friend." CROW: [ Sally ] Now see if you can challenge my rap. > "I'm glad too, Sally. So tell me, anything on the agenda today, now > that I'm back on-line?" TOM: [ Sally ] You're scheduled to crash at 7:30. > "Oh, something that would interest Suni: Your cosine Speedy's MIKE: [ snort ] Yeah, and I have a tangent named Checkers. CROW: I've got a sine named Fido. > coming > here to train." > "That's great Sally. MIKE: And that's good Sally, and that's evil Sally, and they're all annoying Sally. > You'd like her, Dave. CROW: She can plot contrive with the best of 'em! > Dark purple, fast as CROW: [ high-pitched ] Fast can be, you'll never catch me! > Sonic, MIKE: Oh, she's a fanfic writer's character, with the powers of three and a half regular characters. Not that I am bitter. > and has a 'New Yoirkain' accent." TOM: [ Sally ] Even though I have no idea what New York is. CROW: Oh, actually, they changed the name recently, to "New Gonter". ALL: [ snicker ] > "Oh-oh, somebody better tell the Hedgehog to stay off the road!" CROW: Or there'll be road pizza on the grill tonight! MIKE, TOM: Yuuuck!! > "She'll be over at Minoc Grove, Davey. MIKE: Minoc Grove: the multi-conglomerate 73-story mall of Mobius. > I need you to pick her up, and TOM: [ Sally ] Uh, some stuff, too. > some stuff too, TOM: D'oh! > while you're at it." > "I'll gas up the bike and MIKE: [ Davey ] Light it on fire, just for kicks! > get over there, Sal. Wanna come with me, > Suni?" > "Yeah, I'd love to . . . er, CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] No, wait, I wouldn't. > I wanted to go with you anyway, next time > you went to Minoc Grove." > "Why's that? TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] That way there'll be less witnesses. > Oh, silly me, I haven't taken you for a ride yet, haven't > I?" CROW: [ quickly ] Have I. > "Not that. It's just that I don't want you to run into Packbell again > without me being involved in it, either." TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] I wanna help you die. > Davey laughs for the first time since his mission to Robotroplis. ALL: [ monotone ] Hahaha. > "Okay, Sonia, let's go." > > The End ALL: Woooo! It's over!! TOM: The two most wonderful words in the English language! CROW: Thank you, God. TOM: I count 106 uses of the word "Sonic", 84 uses of the word "Sally", 66 uses of either "Sonia" or "Suni", and 404 uses of "Dave", "Davey", and "David". CROW: Kinda puts the self-insertion of this fanfic into perspective. MIKE: Man, that robot memory of yours must be great for totally useless activities. TOM: I like to think so. CROW: Let's go before I turn into a fox again. MIKE: [ as they leave ] Crow... [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL ] MIKE: Phew, that was a stinker! BOTS: Yeah. MIKE: Hey, I just remembered a quote I heard from Colin Lamb. Wanna hear it? BOTS: OK. MIKE: Ahem: "... went to see a sneak preview of 'The Lost World.' I was going to dwell on all that was wrong with this movie, but decided instead to focus on what was good about it instead. Here goes: It finally ended, and this proved to me that God exists, and it is a good and merciful God." TOM: I think we'd like him if we met him. [ The Mads Sign flashes. ] MIKE: Oh, what does ol' Mrs. Spaz want now? [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal- Thingy(tm). ] [ Mobius. Observer is examining a computer and waving one hand over his brain. ] PEARL: Hey, Mikey! How's Life? [ SOL. M&TB stare blankly. ] [ Mobius ] PEARL: Never mind. I've been chatting with Davey-- DAVEY: Hi. PEARL: And he brought something to my attention. DAVEY: The fanfic you guys just watched was an old version. I've got a new version of what *really* happened on my site. [ SOL ] MIKE: [ over-dramatically ] You mean we have to watch the entire fanfic again?! BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- [ Mobius ] PEARL: No way! I don't plan for you to commit suicide! That'd ruin all of my plans! I'd have to send Brain-Ball and Booboo into the theater! No, you'll just be watching the parts that've been changed from the version you just saw. [ SOL ] ALL: [ collective relieved sigh ] [ Mobius ] PEARL: Observer's comparing the versions now. OBSERVER: Done! The differences are in the introduction and everything after page 18. [ SOL ] ALL: Hooray! MIKE: [ singing ] Only three more pa-ages! CROW: [ singing ] Only three more pa-ages! TOM: [ singing ] Then we'll be done with B-A-M! CROW: [ singing ] Then we'll be done with B-A-M! [ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ] ALL: [ singing ] We got Fanfic Si-ign! [ normal ] Aaugh! We got Fanfic Sign! [ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] [ Everyone enters the theater. ] > Sonic The Hedgehog > Blood and Metal CROW: Oh, here we go with *this* again. > Alpha Omega Edition MIKE: Yo, you forgot Beta, Gamma, and every other Greek letter of the alphabet! TOM: Bitter? MIKE: Not a bit. Why do you ask? > > CROW: Madonna! > By TOM: Please say Ray Bradbury! MIKE: Or Piers Anthony! CROW: Or an author who's good! > David Gonterman ALL: Crap. > Of FoxFire Studios CROW: Also crap. > > http://users.aol.com/dgonterman TOM: Bottom 5% of the Web Award. > > > This Web Site made possible by MIKE: Fools and morons. > Serif's Page Plus 5.0 MIKE: Them too. > > The Story Behind the Story TOM: Behind the story behind the story behind the story behind the story b-- CROW: Stop!! > > Ever had the feeling that you're at the end of something good, and it's > time to move on to greener pastures? MIKE: Not really, no. > Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal: Alpha/Omega Revision MIKE: Hey, it's funny. There's two colons up there, and mine's about to split in half. > (Hereby knows TOM: Squat. > now as just Blood and Metal or BAM CROW: Hey, we haven't made a single Emeril Lagasse joke yet! MIKE, TOM: [ Emeril ] BAM!! > as fans call it) represents exactly this > point in my life. TOM: April 17, 1989. > It was the first major story, fanfiction or otherwise, > that I have done on the Internet. MIKE: Which may help to explain why [ Jay Sherman ] it STINKS! > The premise is a unique kind of White Backlash CROW: Backlash backlash backlash! > against the utter TOM: Cow tipping. > trashing White Males have been getting by the popular media. TOM: Then wouldn't they not be very popular anymore? > All throughout > these recent decades, CROW: Disco has made a total of 17 comebacks. > these people have been told all about the evils that MIKE: Fanfic authors have perpetrated on our populace. > their forefathers have done to the expense of what good they did as well. TOM: Did that make any sense at all? CROW: Not much. TOM: Good. I thought I was going nuts. > If their ancestors are evil, what does that make them? MIKE: Punk rockers! > Are the White Males > of today just as hopelessly bad as the ones when, say, America was in it's > infancy? BOTS: Yes. MIKE: Hey, now. CROW: Oh, no offense. > Sonic the Hedgehog, the video game from Sega that BAM is based on, > provides a perfect stage for this question. CROW: Oh reeeally. > Take the resident bad guy, > Doctor Robotnik, who is very much like TOM: Alfred Hitchcock. > the evil person talked about in the > above paragraph. MIKE: What? Who? Where? > Give him a son who joined Sonic's side without Robotnik's > knowledge and CROW: Mix it all up! Mix mix mix! > have the two meet in classic George Lucas fashion. TOM: Oh yeah, really classic. > Of course, > to keep things form CROW: Yes, you must keep things as form as possible. > becoming another Star Wars, I added a robotic version of MIKE: Laurel and Hardy! > Mortal Kombat-style violence, TOM: We noticed. > and a good helping of strong language CROW: Yeah, "phrack". > to show > that the child in question is no Jedi Knight in any stretch. > Before I could say "Where the flying frack is Luke Skywalker when I > really need his stinking tail?" CROW: That's a big thing to say. > I have created one of the smash Sonic- > related epics on the Internet, MIKE: Apparently, people on the Internet just have really low standards! > and I have acquired something I didn't get > before outside of the aforementioned computer network: All my life, I found TOM: Magic nose goblins on the underside of the table! > that my actions had consequences, penalties, repercussions, and the like. MIKE: Well, that's generally how life goes. > My actions did not had rewards until that point. CROW: So you weren't rewarded for playing video games. Big deal. > You might say that it was > the first time in my whole 26 years of existence that I did something right. TOM: If you were a complete fool or moron, you might say that. > That was something I tried to get again with sequels and spinoffs to > BAM. Unfortunately, MIKE: They sucked just as much. > I wasn't quite as successful. TOM: [ Davey ] This time, *two* mobs showed up at my doorstep! > You know what they say > about sequels paling in light of their original. TOM: Oh, we know about that, don't we? CROW: Yep. > It no doubt went south > from the first sequel up to the point where I had to end it because it just > plain stunk, MIKE: That's what we've been saying all this time! > while during the process, I have lost what my early success CROW: Success? Where? > have gained me. Some of the losses are irretrievable. TOM: Yeah, like a hard drive crash. > In retrospect, CROW: It was *pixies* that shot JFK! > I find three factors in my downfall, the first has > already listed, CROW: What the heck's that supposed to mean? > the second is the loss of love and passion MIKE: Oh, the love's left his relationship. CROW: Relationship with who, himself? MIKE: Crow!! > people had in > Sonic the Hedgehog, mainly caused by the lack or new games from Sonic and > the quality of stories Archie had in a Sonic-Based comic book. MIKE: Yeah, and I'll bet Archie had a secretary named Sonic and Sonic had a secretary named Archie, right? > Many people > voiced it, including myself who was more vocal in mydispleasure. TOM: I thought he lived in St. Louis. CROW: No, says right there. He's in "Mydispleasure". > It quickly > became the third factor when my pleasure turned to anger and caused not only > my writing and artwork, but also my deposition MIKE: Crow, not a word. CROW: What, not even *bleep*? MIKE: No. > has suffered. Some even said CROW: Pootertoots! > that I acted like a jerk in this period. Or worse. ALL: [ dramatic music ] *Dah* dah DAAAAAHH!!! > I can make a short list > of former friends who now hate my guts over this and offer no forgiveness > over what I have done for me. TOM: [ Davey ] Of course, I could also make a medium list. Or a large list. CROW: Warning: be on the lookout for a midget psychic. TOM: Right-- MIKE, TOM: Small Medium at Large. > I know by now that I'm not going to bother MIKE: [ Pooh ] Oh, bother. > apologizing and beg for something that does not exist for me. CROW: A love life? TOM: A life! > Some of them > would even hound MIKE: [ Mr. Burns ] Smithers, release the hounds. BOTS: Arf arf bark bark growl! > any future attempts for me to progress out of this low > point in my life. TOM: And our lives, too. > Part of this attempt is partly responsible for a revision > of BAM. ALL: [ "No!" "Oh the humanity!" "Why?!" ] > I go back to the first story of BAM, the Alpha, MIKE: Alpha Five. BOTS: Aieeya! > and give it a new > ending so that the crap CROW: Well, at least he knows crap when he sees it. > that became of all of the sequels and spinoffs can > be easily removed, TOM: Thus leaving no chance for sequels or spinoffs! ALL: Yaaaaay! > the Omega. MIKE: Hey, Omega Man! > The resulting story will be preserved in my > web site for my prosperity, TOM: Or what's left of it. > or what is left of it. TOM: Aargh. > Sometimes I wonder if I would ever by anything good like this ever > again, MIKE: What? TOM: I get the feeling, somewhere on the Internet, you can download a program that pumps out random gibberish sentences. > and win back what I lost, TOM: That cute baby guinea pig. > and by some of the opinion of others, I CROW: SUCK TIMES A BILLION!! MIKE: Crow!! > shouldn't even try because it would never happen. TOM: This happens to be the correct opinion. > There are even places on > the Internet where I am persona non grata CROW: I wish someone'd grate him up. > directly because of what has > happened during the closing parts of the BAM spin-offs; a feeling I > experienced in Real Live from Kindergarten on to Adulthood. CROW: OK, who thinks he never really reached Adulthood? TOM: Let's hope they blocked him from the Adult Conspiracy. > Some may think that after this, I would cancel my Internet connection, > sell my computer, forget about getting a job with the skills I developed > over the time I wrote BAM, much less a real life, and move to a shack in > Montana with fifty cats and a printout of the Anarchists Cookbook and let > the world pass on without me. (Until I make the headlines as the next mad > bomber, that is) CROW: Cool! TOM: Go for it! MIKE: That'd be neat! > The above paragraph, regardless of how absurd it sounds, would very well > be my fate ALL: Yaaaaay! > if I wasn't kept busy by the greener pastures I wandered into. ALL: D'oh! > I > decided to let my storytelling give an helping hand to my artwork, and MIKE: [ Davey ] Now I stink twice as much as before! > create Fan Comics made for other things I enjoy, CROW: Like breathing and sleeping? > and as of now, I'm > branching off to original works that might be published if I'm lucky. TOM: And the rest of the world is not. > I > still hope to this day that I can do what I'm doing on the Internet for a > Career. CROW: With a capital C, which rhymes with C, and that stands for CRAP! > Until then, I offer you the genesis TOM: Heh, get it? Genesis, 'cause that's the video game system... StH is on... heh heh... kill me. > of my storytelling life, and my > first classic epic from a time that Sonic was young and fun. I give you > Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal. CROW: You can keep it. > > The Omega MIKE: Omega Man! > Some time has passed TOM: Since the beginning of this fanfic... > All of Mobius is in Cheers ALL: [ singing ] Where everybody knows your name! > The King has returned! CROW: Hey, this is the scene from the end of "A Link to the Past"! > "Mr. Crockett did well TOM: Oh, that's a first! MIKE: Stop. Stop now. TOM: What? MIKE: I'll bet all the RAM chips in this satellite neither of you can go until the end of the fanfic without insulting Davey. CROW: I'll take that bet! TOM: You're goin' down! > in his end of the deal," TOM: And if you insult him, you have to give up that cake you have hidden in the back of the fridge! CROW: Yeah! MIKE: Deal. > King Acorn addressed the > Freedom Fighters. TOM: 100 North Drive, Knothole, Mobius. > "A broadcasted signal in his cyborg arm provided an MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Really nifty cable channel! > excellent homing beacon for guide me back home TOM: [ singing ] I'm goin' to Louisiana, my true love for guide me back home! > through a different > dimensional passage then The Void, and all I got to show for it was this > crystallized CROW: [ begins to speak ] MIKE: And any dirty jokes means you get half the RAM chips taken away. CROW: Heeey, that wasn't in the deal? MIKE: You forgot to read the fine print. CROW: Damn. > left arm, which by now isn't spreading for the rest of me, > thank God." MIKE: I Went To The Void And All I Got Was This Crystallized Left Arm. > That brought out some laughter from the crowd. Despite the mentioned > affliction, TOM: Measles? Rubella? Chicken pox? > the doctors reported the Kin TOM: [ Brak, singing ] Now it's time to say goodbye to Zorak and his Kin! > to be in good health and fit to > rule, with made everybody happy, especially Sally. CROW: WHAT fine print?! > Everyone that is, except one, who was noticeably absent from Acorn's > presence. MIKE: Me? BOTS: Huh? MIKE: Well, I'm not there. > "I have Davey Crockett to thank most of all. CROW: [ King Acorn ] He screwed u-- no! No no nonono! I won't lose! MIKE: Hee hee hee. > I would like to do that in > person, but I don't see him. Does anyone know . . . " TOM: [ King Acorn ] The square root of four-fifths? > Acorn notices how deathly quiet the room got. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Wheeew! What died in here? > "Where is he? What happened to him? TOM: [ random Mobian ] He went to ruin another fanfic. MIKE: Say bye-bye to your chips, Tommy-boy. TOM: Aaaaargh!! > Don't tell me that Robotnik got to him > before he saw his mission . . . " CROW: As long as we're almost done, why is it he puts spaces between his ellipsis? MIKE: Beats me. Personal preference, I s'pose. > Sonic was characteristically slow in his reply. TOM: I thought he was *fast*! That makes no sense whatsoever, idiot! MIKE: Tom! TOM: Hey, I got nothing to lose now! > "You don't know . . . about > Davey . . . and Robotnik?" CROW: [ Sonic ] They've been going out for a month now! > Acorn showed his royal sternness CROW: [ random Mobian ] Eew! Put that away! > and demanded he know. > And he immediately wished to God he hadn't. > The lick to the front door ALL: [ snicker ] MIKE: Let's *please* skip that. > to Crockett's hut was jimmied, and King Acorn CROW: Arrested the person who jimmied it. > crept into the pitch blackness inside. CROW: I was gonna say that. > Acorn feared that the darkness > reflected what is in the poor boy's heart. TOM: [ gags ] > Acorn barely had the chance to mouth his thought when that mouth tasted the MIKE: Shiny red lollipop. > cold steel of a double barreled shotgun, and he saw the hellfirish blood red MIKE: Lollipop! > cyborg-enhanced eyes burn holes in his mind. > "How very nice for you to come back in my lifetime, Acorn," a voice spat TOM: Sufferin' succotash! MIKE: [ wipes eyes ] > and > snarled at him. "It'll give me the sincere pleasure to blow your fucking ALL: Aack! CROW: What happened to "phrack"?! > head off myself." > by now, in the horror over what is happening, someone turned off the lights, MIKE: Which were already off. > and saw CROW: Nothing, 'cause the lights are off. > this . . . . monster . . . TOM: We're not going to describe it further, because no one can see it, because the LIGHTS are OFF!! > that Acorn sent to Mobius, holding the > King high and cramming the would-be assassination weapon further down his > throat. MIKE: That's gonna sting. > Nobody will have the time to save the King from having his brains > cover the door he came in from if anyone as much as flinches. ALL: Ewww! CROW: Man, suddenly this fanfic got a whole lot gorier! > That fact was > given with absolute certainly by the expression of Crockett's face, and what > he next said. TOM: [ Davey ] I love beans, woo woo woo! CROW: [ Davey ] I love beans, how 'bout you? > "You sent me to hell, you bastard," CROW: Jeez, calm down, Davey! > Crockett cocked both barrels all the way > back, "Not prepare to go there." MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Not? Oh man, I was looking forward to it! > After what seemed to be an eternity, Acorn managed to take the barrels out > of his mouth, CROW: > and lean against the weapon in a manner borrowed from a > cartoon from Crockett's home world. CROW: "The Adventures of a Fanfic Author from St. Louis". It was #1 in the ratings all across the world! MIKE, CROW: [ giggle ] > He looked at Davey not with terror, or > pleading for his life, but to Davey's surprise, TOM: Darkness, since there are no lights on. > sorrow over Davey Crockett's > condition. > "You looked pissed David. CROW: [ King Acorn ] Though I can't tell, because the lights are off. > And believe me, you have every right to me. If I > were in your shows, TOM: Oh God, he has a TV show now?! MIKE: No, it says "shows". That means he has more than one. TOM: Aaaaaaaaargh!! MIKE: That was fun! > I would have pulled that trigger by now. At least that > means there's still hope fo--" > "SHUT UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!" ALL: Aaack!! > Crockett wrapped his cyborg hand around > the King's neck and slammed him hard against a wall, his grip tightening as > he spewed his bile ALL: Yeeeew!! > at the King's face fuzz. "You feel this arm chocking CROW: [ Pinky ] Guess we can "chock" this up to experience, eh, "Tim"? > your life out, and afterwards will remove your head for my mantle? MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Well, thanks for informing me of that fact. I really wanted to know that you're gonna put my head on your mantle. Thank you. > It > replaced the one shot off because of what happened centuries before I was > born. CROW: Yes, as was PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED!! > I came here to get away from all that, but just who became of me > here. ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU!!" TOM: [ whiny ] What if I don' wanna? > "ack . . . ullk . . . " > "what was that?" MIKE: [ King Acorn ] I said CAPITALIZE! > "chock TOM: [ Brain ] Don't call me that, Pinky, or I will be forced to inflict pain that even your TV-numbed brain will feel. > . . . no . . . I won't . . . guuuuck . . . " MIKE: [ King Acorn ] I will never guuuuck! You can't make me guuuuck!! > "I can't hear you, Acorn." CROW: I can't hear you, soldiers! MIKE, TOM: Hup-two-threep-fourp! Hup-two-threep-fourp! > "For . . . get it . . . . Crockett . . . . I won't say it. It's not true. CROW: [ King Acorn ] Elvis *didn't* die! > You are not Robotnik's Son! You can never be . . Robotnik's Son!" [ long pause ] ALL: Whaaat?!? > The look on Davey's face changed at this point, from hostility to surprise. MIKE: Oh, this is so stupid. > H lessened his hold, but still held Acorn there. TOM: I can't believe this. CROW: I can. > "I know you're angry and hurt over what happened to Julian Kintobor, David. CROW: [ King Acorn ] But remember, he brought it on himself. He should have kept his pants on! > I can understand that it made you troubled, and no doubt bitter. But TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, butt. > there's one thing it can't make you, and that's MIKE: Smelly. > Evil. You are no more Evil > than MIKE: You are smelly. > what Julian was, David, before his unfortunate accident that made him CROW: Fat, bald, and big-mustached. > that way. There are plenty of Mobians that know of that past and what > Robotnik did to your father." TOM: But Robotnik is his father! Isn't he? MIKE: Try not to think. That'll help. > "Yeah, I know what that Bastard did to my father. Betrayed and Murdered > him--JUST LIKE DARTH VADER!" ALL: As was previously mentioned. > He threw Acorn to a chair, and as he landed, TOM: He let a fluffy. CROW: You mean a pooty? MIKE: He's cuttin' muffins! > a Nicole-like computer fell out of Acorn's jacket. MIKE: So... > Acorn continued. MIKE: Yup. > "What's more, you have a sacred duty to put honor back to > the Kintobor name. I know you won't do it for me, or yourself, but what > about the Kintobors. CROW: [ Davey ] What about them? > Do it for your Father. TOM: The priest? > That's what I'll be saying in > the afterlife after you kill me, David James Kintobor, so go ahead." BOTS: [ chanting ] Do it. Do it. Do it. > "For my father, that's a joke. He left me when I was a child. I probably > wouldn't even recognize him if he came up to my face." > But as he turned around, he saw exactly that. TOM: Boo! CROW: And peed his pants. MIKE: You're straddling the line there, bucko. > He recognized the face from > pictures his mother had of him. He was skinnier, and had more hair, and he > had on a uniform similar to the one Antonio MIKE: Banderas. > always wears, over a pocket, > there was a name. Julian Kintobor. TOM: [ Julian ] HIIII!! MY NAME IS JULIAN KINTOBOR!! See, my first name is Julian, and my last name is Kintobor, so when you put 'em together, you get Julian Kintobor! And that's my name! > Acorn pulled himself up, being all but forgotten by David for that > holographic projection. MIKE: So, is there any actual difference in this ending? BOTS: No. > "Before the Accident, David. CROW: The Accident, with a capital ACK! > Your father had the > foresight to make a backup copy of his own memories and personality. I took MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Him out! Bwah-hah-hah! > that backup and put him in this palmtop." He clipped the Palmtop, Julian, > on Davey's belt and slowly backed away. TOM: [ King Acorn ] Don't hurt me. > "Daddy," David was almost at tears. "is . . is that really you?" ALL: No, it's a holographic projection. > "Hi there, son." Julian brushed some hair from the fox's face. CROW: Fur. Foxes have fur. > "Care to > talk about it?" > "Y-Yeah," David embraced the hologram, which was surprisingly solid, to his > delight. CROW: This is gonna turn into a lemon any minute, isn't it? > "I would like that." > King Acorn managed to leave the hut and close the door behind him before > falling down in exhaustion, TOM: > while everyone else exhaled all at once in > relief. CROW: [ imitates a fart ] [ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 8 of 9 Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading From: Shay_...@letterbox.com Subject: [MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 9 of 9) Date: 1998/05/16 Message-ID: <6jiqc5$v24$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> X-Deja-AN: 353672326 X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 4.01; Windows 95) Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Article-Creation-Date: Sat May 16 01:32:53 1998 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ < - - - - - - - - - - Designed for a 78-letter line size - - - - - - - - - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com) Part 9 of 9 > It didn't take Davey long to get to the chow line again, and promptly MIKE: Died. > proceeded to inhale chili dog after chili dog. BOTS: [ vacuum noises ] > Julian rests in a sunbeam in front of David recharging his batteries. CROW: Er... I'm running out of riffs. > "That's your fifth full plate, David Kintobor. Keep this up and you'll end > up TOM: Exploding. Five plates of chili dogs?! > looking like my evil clone!" > "I haven't eaten in a month, Dad. MIKE: [ Davey ] I'm dead. CROW: Actually, once, a guy lived for 360 days on water. > I need to binge." > "But everybody is staring at you. Even the Hedgehog!" CROW: With a capital Head. > "Oh, they're just looking at me because I'm having a good conversation to a > brain in a box. TOM: Isn't that the plot of "Daedalus Encounter"? > You know what I'm going to do? MIKE: [ Davey ] Fart. > Get you a body. CROW: It *is* turning into a lemon! > And I'm not CROW: [ Davey ] Intelli--aargh! MIKE: Almost lost there! > talking that Auto-Automation crap Sally found out about. I want one of > those good quality android model Packbell uses." TOM: Yeah, one of those model. > "Looks like you'll have a lot of time to do that in the future." > "Yep." CROW: Yuppers. MIKE: Yep-yep-yep. TOM: Mm-hmm. > "That do you mean," That MIKE: Do you mean? > mentioned hedgehog said while getting another full > plate. > "You're leaving." ALL: Yes!! > Acorn found out three hours later in his office. > "Yeah, your majesty. You probably know the reasons." TOM: [ King Acorn ] It's 'cause ya suck, right? MIKE: For that, Tom, Crow gets your share of the chips if he wins. TOM: Aaaaa!! > Acorn settled in his chair. "You need to find yourself, I guess." CROW: [ Davey ] Yeah, this happens all the time, and I'm always in the last place I look! > "You can say that. I know by now what I don't want to become like another > Robotnik. TOM: [ Davey ] Also I like guinea pigs. > But I have no idea what I do want to be. So I'm going away to > find out what." > Acorn looked up at David. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] Get down from the ceiling! > He was glad to see the fury and anger in his face > gone, replaced by the hope he saw so long ago and far away. It was > something he wanted David to keep. MIKE: [ King Acorn ] You can have it. I don't want it anymore. > So he's going to let him go. He misses him already. TOM: Suuure you do. > "You're a good man, er, fox, CROW: [ King Acorn ] Er, dwe--no! Arrgh! MIKE: You'll never make it to the end. > Davey Crockett." The two shook hands as they > went out the door. "It's a shame to lose you . . . Suni?" TOM: Since when is Sonia/Suni leaving? > The Fox looked at the girl hedgehog he loved once. CROW: And since when does he not love her? > The two share a smile. MIKE: And since when does one smile fit on two faces at once? > "I heard that you're going to be with what's left of your dad for a while." > "Yeah, Suni. I don't know if you'd be--" TOM: Audrey Pavia. > "It's all right, Fox. MIKE: I changed the channel; we're watching X-Files now. BOTS: Woo! > I want you two to be alone for a while, but after you CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] Finish your Davey/Julian slash fic-- MIKE: OK, Crow, you *don't* get Tom's share of the chips. CROW: D'oh! TOM: Hah! > caught up to date, and you come back to Knothole. Look me up, okay?" > "I will," Davey promised as the two kissed in the sunset. CROW: [ Davey ] Aargh! We're burning! [ Mike and Tom stare. ] Y'know, cause they're in the sunset. > It was a multiple moonlit and starry night that night, just like the night MIKE: That was dark and stormy. TOM: Huh? MIKE: Sorry. I'm just running seriously low on inspiration. > Davey entered Knothole, when Knothole gathered to say good-bye to their > visitor one last time. ALL: [ cheerfully ] Bye! See ya! Adios! Auf wiedersehen! Sayonara! Don't come back! > The hoverbike slowly tooled out of the garage and down the street with > everyone in attendance providing a parade route, TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, which way to the parade? Thanks. > wishing him a good journey > and hope he finds what he'll be searching for. CROW: Just as soon as he figures out what that is. > They don't see him as a > visitor anymore, nor do they see him as the son of their tormenter. MIKE: Though he *is* *both* of those. > No. ALL: No? > They see Davey Crockett as one of their own. All of Mobius do. CROW: I don't even have the strength to comment. > At the end of the parade line stood King Acorn and Sonic. He stopped at > those two. TOM: [ Davey ] OK, which one of you stinks so bad? > He turned to the King, and in an uncharacteristic move, the King Bowed to MIKE: Bingo the monkey. > Davey. He returned the bow CROW: [ Davey ] I wanted a pony. > and turned to Sonic. > After a warm pause, TOM: "Warm"? > they shouted: > "ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!" TOM: Wait, wait, wait! Only I am allowed to say "one more time"! > The two roared off a dust-storm stirring peel out before they both bolted > full tilt onto a cliff, accelerating all the way. MIKE: [ singing ] Dashing through the dust, on a bike from Chevrolet! CROW: [ singing ] Over the cliff we go, accelerating all the way! TOM: Ha ha ha ha! > Sonic stopped on the dime this time, right at the edge of the cliff, and got > a good look at Davey Crockett as he blown past him ALL: [ snicker ] > with a roar of light- > hearted laughter that carried him over the cliff, through the air and into > the trees. MIKE: Strongest laugh I've seen in a while. > Sonic watched him off into the distance, and gave a tearful good-bye as his > friend sped into the horizon and out of his sight. > "Good-bye, Big Daddy" CROW: Adios, craphole author! MIKE: Ooh, so close, but no bananas. CROW: [ thinks about this ] *D'OH*!! TOM: [ as they leave ] And Kenny dies. [ Everyone leaves the theater. ] [ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ] [ INT SOL ] MIKE: Yaaaaay! It's over! BOTS: Hrmph. MIKE: Y'know, since you managed to survive that fanfic, I'm gonna let you have those RAM chips anyway! TOM: Yeaaahh! CROW: Woooooo! TOM: Uh, say, Mike, could you help me with my experiment? MIKE: Sure thing, Tommy-boy. CROW: Yawn. I'm gonna go sort my videos. MIKE: Yeah, have fun. [ Crow leaves. ] So what's the experiment? TOM: Well, I determined conclusively that light does NOT make sound under any circumstances. Now I want to find out if DNA is really as similar between father and son as Davey said, and for that, I need someone with actual DNA. MIKE: And that's where I come in. TOM: Right. Now, I'm going to take your DNA and clone you, and then compare the--no, that wouldn't work. I'll make *two* clones--no. One male clone and one female? MIKE: Look, forget I offered. Let's see what Pearl and the gang are up to. [ Mike hits the Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] TOM: Three clones? [ Mobius. Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are tied up, leaned on a log. Davey's looking pretty high and mighty. ] PEARL: Nelstone, you gotta help us out down here! We made Butt-Crackett over there *too* evil, and now he's going to take over the galaxy on his own! [ SOL. Dramatic music. ] MIKE: We've got to do something! TOM: Yeah! I'd rather have Pearl rule the universe than Davey! [ shakes head ] Whoa. Did I just say that? [ Mobius ] DAVEY: You're too late! In a matter of minutes, my CPCTC will be up and running! [ SOL ] TOM: You mean Corresponding Parts of Congruent Triangles are Congruent? [ Mobius ] DAVEY: No, I mean this: [ he drags a phone booth onscreen ] the Cyberspace Plot Contriving Transport Chamber! With this, I'll travel the galaxy, capturing rulers and taking over! [ SOL. Tom and Mike are huddled. Crow shows up, holding a big box of video tapes. ] CROW: Mike, Tom, could you help me here? TOM: Crow, we're busy! MIKE: Davey's trying to-- CROW: Come on, would you just look for a second? MIKE: Oh, all right. [ examines tapes ] Man, look at all of these. The "Mighty Ducks" series... CROW: First I was going to sort them alphabetically. TOM: "Aladdin", "Little Mermaid", "Pocahontas"... CROW: Then I thought maybe by date. MIKE: Three rows of porn?! CROW: Also, I could always do it by the company that made the tape. TOM: Every Porky's tape ever made! CROW: Then there's preference, of course. MIKE: How would you know how many there are? TOM: Uh, I'm just, uh, guessing. CROW: I know I can't just leave them. MIKE: "Who F--" [ pause ] That's it! CROW: I *should* just leave them? MIKE: No, *that's* it! [ grabs tape ] TOM: Oh, oh, I get it! MIKE: [ pulls down Nanite scope ] Nanites, I have an important job for you. [ to Tom ] You set things up. [ picks up the palmtop computer ] And [ to Mobius ] beam me down, Brain Guy. [ Mobius ] OBSERVER: Mmm-mmn-mnrmph. [ SOL ] MIKE: Huh? [ Mobius ] OBSERVER: [ spits out gag ] I said OK. [ SOL ] [ Mike disappears ] TOM: OK, let's get crackin'. [ looks up at scope ] Uh, Crow, could you get that for me? [ Mobius. Mike pops in. ] DAVEY: [ facing away from Mike ] What just popped. MIKE: Only me. DAVEY: Oh, well, that's all rig--whaat?! [ spins around ] Oh, it's you. MIKE: I have come to stop you from your evil path. Cower before me, for I have brought the script! [ holds up palmtop ] DAVEY: Oh-ho, so it's a battle of plot contrivances, eh? I accept your choice of weapon. En garde! MIKE: Well, for starters, [ taps on palmtop ] we're passing through a meteor shower. [ Davey is pelted with papier-mache rocks. ] DAVEY: Ow! Eech! Ooh! Yow! But [ taps on his arm ] I have--ow--a meteor- blocking--ouch--force field! [ The "meteors" start hitting Mike. ] MIKE: Ooh! Yikes! Oww! Erk! The field [ tap tap ] glitches and--yow--becomes a meteor-attracting field! [ The "meteors" hit Davey again. ] DAVEY: Erg! Owch! Yow! Eek! [ tap tap ] The planet shifts [ everyone is thrown to the ground ] and all the meteors pass by harmless! MIKE: [ tries to get up ] Well, I still have one trick prepared. [ to SOL ] Ready? [ SOL ] CROW: Ready! TOM: Ready! GYPSY: [ holding a bucket in her mouth ] Rdmmph! [ Mobius. Mike is holding one end of a tube which extends offscreen and looks strangely familiar. ] MIKE: Then let 'er rip! [ A stream of green-yellow bubbling liquid blasts out of the tube, soaking Davey head to toe. ] DAVEY: Yeaargh! What is this?! MIKE: Dip. Ever see "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"? DAVEY: [ Davey starts to slowly melt. ] Nooo! I'm melting!! MELTING! Noooooo!! [ Mike, smirking, sits down on a log to watch. ] [ Fade to black. ] OBSERVER: Is anyone going to untie us? MIKE: Don't look at me. [ End theme music. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ End of part 9 of 9 (and the entire thing, too!) Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com -or- glee...@aol.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ Over the credits, we hear Davey's screams in pain and anger, interspersed with "Oh nooo!"s and "I'm melting!"s. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. (a great group of people) is intended or should be inferred. "Blood and Metal" is copyright David Gonterman (and he's welcome to it). I'm not repeating myself, so just see above. This MSTing is purely intended for entertainment and is not meant as an insult. Seriously, all I wanna do is make people laugh. And perhaps win the lottery. Also, the actual MSTing, as in the riffs and host segments, is copyright me, Shay Caron, at "Shay_...@letterbox.com" or "glee...@aol.com". I probably stole some jokes from other MSTings in here. If I did, well, get over it. ;-) These credits are starting to get lengthy, aren't they? Web comics? Oh yeah. Here they are, in no particular alphabetical order. After Life of Bob, "http://web.cs.ualberta.ca/~davidw/ALoB/strips/strip_intro.html" Class Menagerie, "http://www.furnation.com/menagerie/" Dexter, "http://www.dexnet.com/dexter/archives.html" Falling Dream, "http://www.ultranet.com/~grt/" Ivory Tower, "http://wwwvms.utexas.edu/~dante/tower" Kevin & Kell, "http://www.reuben.org/holbrook/kevkel.html" Limpidity, "http://www.nic.com/~cheah/limpid.html" Madam & Eve, "http://www.mg.co.za/madameve/today.htm" Melonpool, "http://www.melonpool.com/" Sabrina Online, "http://www.coax.net/people/erics/Sabrina.htm" Skippy & Liska, "http://www.telusplanet.net/public/foxstar/" I'm really starting to ramble, credit-wise. Most of the "Blast Hardcheese" jokes were created using a randomizer I created using Microsoft Excel. Asketh and you shall receiveth... a free copy, that is. Well, I don't think Mike Neylon is really Mike Nelson. However, his site can be found at "pinky.wtower.com", and it's hands-down the best MUT3K archive site there is. Neat coincidence, though, isn't it? The various "Borg" jokes can be found by typing in "@borg" on FluffMUCK (telnet to fluffmuck.org:8888). Hi to MTails, Sennard, Devochka, and DrkWolf from CharlieS! Detective? Ah yes, that's an interactive fiction (text adventure) MSTing by C.E. Forman. The link is: "ftp://ftp.gmd.de/if-archive/games/infocom/mst3k1.z5" Want info on running it? Here: "ftp://ftp.gmd.de/if-archive/games/infocom/how_to_play_these_games" AAUGH!!! These credits just won't end!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA eh, might as well continue. My MSTing of "Blood and Metal" was proofread by these people: Steven Savage (bad...@infinet.com), John Berry (be...@sugar-river.net), Alex Krieger (ji...@gate.net), Ophelia Barnes (Auste...@aol.com), James (Jimmy) Johnson (B52m...@aol.com), and David Gonterman (DGont...@aol.com). Yes, David Gonterman! If there's anything wrong, blame them. Also, thanks, Joe Nebus. Your great MSTing of "Altered Destiny" introduced me to the wonderful world of MUT3K. Please don't ask what I was doing on alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog. And finally, a big ol' thank you to the world for existing. Couldn't have done it without ya. I'm tired of typing. This means the credits are done. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DAVEY: Oh, what a world, what a world... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Double Stinger: > All that was left for him was the > wallflowers and the weirdos. Like the one who wanted him for sex and sex > alone; when he said that sex before marriage was just not his thing, she > dumped him and cried 'rape' on him. [...] > "The Stardusrince," Sonia said, the word flowing like the water off a water > fall."It means 'Love Dance'. You, Davey Crockett, courier of the Royal House > of Acorn, have won my heart. I, Commadress Wizard Boometia Sonia Madylin -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading