BATMAN AND ROBIN: Script By Akiva Goldsman Mistied By: Steven Savage badger@infinet.com Michele Savage bizarra@infinet.com Lisa Fournier ayma@infinet.com Jeff Fournier ayma@infinet.com Daniel Sikorski ikaros@infinet.com Joe Barlow jbarlow@ipass.net Michelle Puthoff keina@iwaynet.iwaynet.net Katrina Padgett padgitt.1@osu.edu Donald Stephens Walter Powell and anyone we forgot . . . SPECIAL EFFECTS, SOUND, GAFFER, BEST BOY ALL PRETTY MUCH IRRELEVANT SINCE WE TYPED THIS. This script is copyright (c) 1997 by Warner Brothers. The assorted rude commentary is copyright (c) 1997 by the above. No infringements on existing copyrights are intended. [SOL. THE LIGHTS ARE LOW. MIKE AND THE BOTS ARE HUDDLED TOGETHER] MIKE: This is weird, guys. CROW: I know. Tom, what is that smell? MIKE: That's not what I mean. Just moments ago we were fleeing Mrs. Forrester, again, and now we're stuck in a place beyond time and space. CROW: And it stinks. TOM: Oh, like your body odor is like a florists finest, beakboy. CROW: Well I'm not the one that looks like a fire hydrant . . . MIKE: Guys. Listen, we can fight over body odor no matter how bad both of you smell . . . TOM AND CROW: Hey . . . MIKE: . . . we're stuck in this Phantom Zone(tm) type place and . . . CROW: Mike, you just spoke in trademark! MIKE: I just mentioned the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm) . . . uh-oh. TOM: Mike that was weird. MIKE: Yeah, er, we'll be right back. [COMMERCIAL SIGN] [The Psychic Friends Network degrades all of humanity. Film at eleven] [SOL] TOM: Batman(tm), Cheez Wiz(tm). This is cool! CROW: Pound Puppies(tm)! MIKE: OK, OK. Geez, you guys are easily amused. CROW: Of course, we hang around with you. MIKE: Thanks. Just a moment. {Pulls down the Nanite-viewing scope) Hey guys? [NANITE VIEW] NANITE NED: Yes? [SOL] MIKE: Can you guys build me something that will tell me what kind of strange alternate universe we've fallen into? And can you do it without committing some form of genocide? [NANITE VIEW] NAITE NED: Surefinenoproblem. Billgivemeaquantumrealityrelationalscannerwithpastvariantadjustmentpronto! [SOL. MIKE IS SUDDENLY LOOKING AT A SCREENLIKE DEVICE THAT APPEARED IN HIS HAND] MIKE: Woah. You guys, um, did anything blow up? CROW: You haven't ruined any other civilizations that we know of. Krypton(tm)! Daxam(tm)! MIKE: Ok. Lesse, according to this, we're in . . . the Phantom Zone(tm). TOM: Something like the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm) comics, hmmm . . . MIKE: No, er, the real one. Apparently we're in a place between fact and fiction. TOM: An Oliver Stone film? MIKE: No, we've crossed over from our real universe to a place where fiction is real, and this Phantom Zone(tm) borders on it! CROW: Wow. I'm glad it's not the other way around. Wouldn't that suck, being fictional? MIKE: So, whenever we mention something trademarked, like the Phantom Zone(tm), we get that "trademarky" experience. TOM: Cool, I wonder . . . [A BANGING SOUND COMES FROM OUTSIDE. GYPSY POPS UP AS USUAL] GYPSY: Guys we've struck something outside! I'm having it brought in for analysis. MIKE: Er, why? GYPSY: I'm bored. MIKE: That makes . . . hey! [A STRANGE SARCOPHAGUS-LIKE DEVICE SUDDENLY POPS UP IN FRONT OF MIKE. HE NEARLY JUMPS ATOP THE SOL CONSOLE] MIKE: Yaahhhh! Geez! TOM: Cool! Hey, that looks like Julie Schwartz! MIKE: Who? CROW: Oh, the lovably curmudgeonly once-editor of DC comics. Guy showed up at nearly every convention you could imagine for years. MIKE: And a gigantic box that looks like him is floating in the Phantom Zone(tm). What's this inscription? CROW: "If ye valuest your immortal soul, do not open this box. Unless you are Rob Liefeld. Then, go ahead." MIKE: Strange, I . . . [TOM BEGINS PLAYING WITH THE SARCOPHAGUS. IT SPRINGS OPEN] MIKE: Tom! What about that immortal soul thing! TOM: I don't think I have one, so what's the problem . . . oh, sorry Mike . . . MIKE: Thanks, Tom. I . . . hey, what's this? [MIKE PICKS SOMETHING OFF OF THE FLOOR. IT LOOKS LIKE A SHEAF OF PAPERS] MIKE: It's - My God(tm), it's the script to Batman(tm) & Robin(tm)! CROW: The movie? From, what, 1997? Wow, even at the edge of the universe I heard about that . . . TOM: I don't believe it! Why would they seal that away . . . oh. MIKE: They must have used the mystic symbolism of Julie to lock it away from humanity! Imagine the evil a movie with George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger could contain! And we've opened it, and . . . [SOL BEGINS TO SHAKE. MIKE LOOKS AT THE SCANNER.] MIKE: Reality is altering! Whats . . . GYPSY: The script's evil is downloading itself into the theater, its . . . [LIGHTS FLASH] ALL: We've got scriptsign!!!! {6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1] [THEATER. ENTER TOM, MIKE, CROW] TOM: Great. Schwarzenegger, Clooney, Thurman, O'Donnel, and Silverstone, all humiliating themselves. MIKE: At least it has Uma Thurman . . . TOM: This is a SCRIPT, Mike. MIKE: I can dream. >FADE IN ON: > >1 INT. BATCAVE -BATMAN'S COSTUME VALUT > Chrome and shadow. A black gauntlet SNAPS into place. A > cape WHIPS over a dark rubber back. CROW: Chains and green leather mittens appear! A bat-shaped buckle > LOCKS. TOM: A garter slides up the leg . . . MIKE: An audience PUKES . . . >2 INT. BATCAVE ROBIN'S COSTUME VALUT - INTERCUT > > A silver throwing-bird is chosen from a weapon's array. CROW: The rest of G-force appears! > Gloved hands lift a black eye mask. Tunic armor CLICKS shut, > turning to reveal the chest-borne insignia of a Robin. ALL: Tweedle-deedlee-dee! Tweedle-deedlee-dee! > > >3 INT.BATCAVE CROW: Float Batcave! TOM: Double Batcave! MIKE: String Batcave! > > BATMAN - CLOSE. Emerges from his costume vault. CROW: And his closet. > WIDER CROW: Deeper! TOM: Faster! MIKE: Okay guys . . . > This is not your father's Batcave. MIKE: What, is it your little sisters? > Deeper excavation has > doubled the size of the cavern. CROW: It's my little batcave! > New state-of-the-art > computing systems flash. Surveillance screens monitor news > and police FREQUENCIES. Crime's worst nightmare. MIKE: Is not in right now, but if you leave a message, it'll get back to you! > Batman strides towards the rising steam-obscured pedestal > which bears the sleek, redesigned Batmobile. TOM: We have GOT to get that sauna out of here. > ROBIN appears in the door of his costume vault, dressed in > the black and red of his Nightwing costume. CROW: Kinda funny since he is named 'Robin'(tm). > Two dark > avengers stand suited, ready to take back the night. MIKE: For which they'll need a receipt. > BATMAN > Nice suit. And today you are? TOM: Played be the same actor, unlike you . . . > > ROBIN > Nightwing. Scourge of darkest evil. > > BATMAN > This is all about fashion for you, isn't it? > > ROBIN > It's the gear. Chicks love the gear. > TOM : Then why would you wear it? MIKE: Looks like a long, deep slide into homoerotica, guys. TOM: And you're surprised? > ALFRED steps forward, out of the shadows. CROW: Followed by a Vorlon. MIKE: He has always been Alfred. TOM: Maybe we're all Alfred. CROW: Has Alfred always been here? MIKE: No, but it already feels like we have . . . > ALFRED > Do call if you're going to be late for dinner, sir. > >4 TURBOS - CLOSE. ROAR. The Batmobile SHOOTS away through > the arches of the cave access tunnel. CROW: And golden arches! > >5 The compass to of the Batmobile service pedestal splits > wide like the opening petals of a flower, revealing a > sleek, turbo-charged motorcycle. meet Robin's bike: The > Redbird. CROW: Pleased to meet you Motorcycle! > ALFRED > Drive carefully, Master Wing. CROW: I'm not going there! > > ROBIN > Don't wait up, AL. MIKE: I suppose he can call him Al. > >6 The REDBIRD'S TURBO - CLOSE. EXPLODES into life. MIKE: Robin(tm) rains down in tiny pieces. CROW: Yeah, and an audience BURSTS into FLAMES. > The > powerful bike SHOOTS after the Batmobile. TOM: Slamming right into the windshield! > >7 ALFRED watches them go. CROW: Thank God they're gone! > Then, he relaxes, lets his weight > fall against the main console, a man not as well as he seems. MIKE: Which describes most of the cast . . . > >8 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - BATMOBILE - MOVING CROW: Moving? Duh! > > Batman is behind the wheel, Robin visible through the > window. CROW: Smacked him good! MIKE: Just turn on the windshield wipers, Bruce. > > BATMAN > Ten police cruisers frozen solid on > the Gotham Expressway . . . CROW: Two turtle doves . . . TOM AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree . . >9 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - REDBIRD - MOVING > > Robin is on his bike, data scrolling on his console monitor. TOM: Bad mothers! Bad mothers! CROW: He's got the only cycle that can access alt.pictures.sex.men. > > ROBIN > ... A giant drilling truck burrowing under > the city ... > > BATMAN > Mr. Freeze. MIKE : No, a gigantic drilling truck you doofus! > ROBIN > The batcomputer tracks him heading > for the Gotham Museum. > > BATMAN > The new antiquities exhibit. The > Second Sun of the Sudan. CROW: Say that seven times fast! > > ROBIN > Of course. He's going to steal the > giant white diamond. TOM: Wow, what detective work. I'm inspired. > > BATMAN > No, Robin. He's going to jail. MIKE : No, he's heading for the museum, see! > >10 OMITTED ALL: Thank God! > >10A BATMAN'S MONITOR - CLOSE - THE GOTHAM MUSEUM > > PUSH IN ALL: Pull out! >11 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT > > A stone and glass palace set on the edge of Gotham's > Central Park. > >12 INT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT MIKE: Well, it's not Ed Wood - night stayed night. > > A GIANT DRILLING TRUCK points up through the rubble of the > shattered museum floor. CROW: Men in leather, a phallic symbol . . . > >13 WIDER. A great hall bearing the skeleton of a mighty > brontosaur amongst a myriad of other exotic antiquities. > All frozen. MIKE: Ok, Willy, did you change the thermostat - AGAIN? > >14 HOLD on A GIANT DIAMOND CASE > > The case begins to glow blue, then white, the shatterproof > glass EXPLODING into a thousand flying fragments. TOM: Shatterproof my ass! > >15 RACK IN through the storm of ice and glass, ACROSS the > frozen floor, PAST exhibits of Aztec ruins peppered now > with three FROZEN GUARDS, TOM: Two turtle doves! CROW AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree! > UP stone steps of a pyramid > altar TO REVEAL... MIKE: Ed MacMahon! TOM : Heeeers Brucie! > > A silver suited figure stands, bald head visible beneath a > helmet, TOM: Then what the hell kind of helmet is it? CROW: I'm having' a Metaluna flashback . . . > A high-tech bazooka in his hand. MR. FREEZE > > FREEZE > The Iceman Cometh. MIKE: Please, please, leave your personal life out of this! > >16 WIDER > > A gang of Thugs in thermal suits, THE ICEMEN, MIKE: How imaginative. skate to the > base of the steps. Two hold a MOANING, shivering GUARD > captive. CROW: Do you know how embarrassing it is to be held captive buy guys in long johns? MIKE: You get over it. TOM: Mike, tell me you don't know what that feels like. > > GUARD > Please. Show some mercy. MIKE : Please, sir, may I have some mercy? > > Freeze begins down the altar steps. A SHIMMERING, TERRIFYING > GOD. TOM: Is not hear right now, so you'll have to deal with Schwarzenegger and twenty pounds of costume. > > FREEZE > I'm afraid my condition has left me > cold to your please of mercy. MIKE: As well as all acting ability. > >17 Freeze FIRES his weapon, CROW: But if it's a cold-based weapon . . . > the beam of cryonic energy > engulfing the Guard, turning him to ice. > > FREEZE > (knocks on the guard's cheek) > Copsicle. MIKE: OK. I want Schwarzenegger dead. > > Freeze closes, now, on the shattered case. CROW: That's gotta hurt! > > FREEZE > In this universe, there is only one > absolute. Everything... MIKE: Is half-off on Tuesdays? > > Freeze swipes away the shattered glass and steel, from the > debris lifts a tremendous diamond. MIKE: It's all about size, isn't it? CROW: I thought it was about the gear. TOM: I thought it was about sequels that should never be made. > > FREEZE > ...Freezes. > > Freeze holds the diamond high over his head, the light > hitting the gem liike a star. TOM: If a star was small and made of crystalline carbon and fist-sized. MIKE AND CROW : Arnie in the sky with diamonds . . . > >18 THE SKYLIGHT - CLOSE. EXPLODES. MIKE: A skylight buys it in every one of these leather-boy action films! > Batman free-falls into > the room, hitting the brontosaurus and sliding down its > neck, ALL: Ow! > SMASHING Freeze with his feet, the diamond sliding > across the frozen floor. MIKE: It's the smell that gets you. > > FREEZE > (aiming his pistol) MIKE: Notice it was a bazooka. CROW: I guess it is all about size! TOM: Maybe it is about the gear. > Bat on ice, anyone? > >19 Batman KICKS the pistol high in the air, catches it. CROW: Licks it. > > BATMAN > Didn't your mother ever tell you not > to play with guns? MIKE : Ya, right before I shot her. >20 Freeze cartwheels across the room, kicking the gun away > from Batman, catching it in mid air. TOM: They're stealing each other's routines! I don't believe this! MIKE: We're twenty scenes into the movie, and it's already ripping itself off. > > FREEZE > You're not sending me to the cooler. TOM: You ARE the cooler! >21 Freeze FIRES. Batman dodges the blast. Freeze takes aim > again. > >22 THE FRONT DOORS - CLOSE. BLOW OPEN> Robin, on the > Redbird, flies into the room. CROW: I'm the most interesting character here! Ha! > >23 BATMAN uses the distraction, flying-kicks the gun into > the air. MIKE: It's always a good idea to use your youthful sidekick as a distraction when he rides into an icy museum on a high-tech crotch rocket. > >24 ROBIN soars over Freeze's head, kicks the airborne gun to > the altar atop the giant pyramid. TOM: Summoning dark forces from beyond . . . > ROBIN > Score. And the crowd goes wild. ALL : Yay. >25 Robin lands, laying his bike sideways in a slide, CROW: Hamburgering his knees . . . > KNOCK- > ING a precious vase into mid air. he grabs a statue, > using it to whip around in a dismount. MIKE: OK. Dismounts. Flying kicks. Guys in costumes. I'm not sure if I'm watching an ice show or a porn film . . . TOM: I think it's both. CROW: I think it's about size. MIKE: Or the gear? CROW: Definitely. > >26 BATMAN catches the falling vase, replaces it, MIKE: With what? A cantaloupe? A hamster? The Magna Carta? > as Robin > skates beside him. The two heroes race for Freeze. CROW: First one to the villain is a rotten egg! > > FREEZE > Grab the gem. Kill the heroes. TOM : And don't get it backwards like you did last time! > >28 MORE INCEMEN in hockey masks, sticks in hand, rush the > caped crusaders from both sides. MIKE: Oh, no, there's going to be a hockey joke, I know it! CROW: I blame the Hockey Strike for this. > >29 ROBIN > It's the hockey team from hell. TOM: It's the script from hell. CROW: If hell froze over. MIKE: It has, this became a movie. > >30 FREEZE is racing towards the altar and his fallen gun. > SIX GUARDS rush in through a side door and swarm the > unarmed Freeze. Mistake. MIKE: One of many, that's what we're thinking, right guys? TOM AND CROW: Yeah. Oh yeah. > > Freeze begins wailing on the Guards. It's a straight MIKE: The only straight thing in this script, I bet. TOM: Wailing? His he shouting at them? > display of fisticuffs executed with unbelievable speed > and precision, hooks, jabs, upper and lower cuts CROW: Actually, they're cold cuts. MIKE: Ugh . . . > all > perfectly delivered, felling the assault force. > >30A FREEZE > Cop-suey. TOM: Number-one super guy? > > He begins racing again for his gun. MIKE: It's not about the diamond, it's about the gun, isn't it? TOM: So it is about the gear . . . > >31 BATMAN AND ROBIN begin a martial arts extrordinaire, > blocking stick blows, punching and kicking the Icemen. MIKE: Hockey joke coming . . > >32 THE GEM lays on the ice behind the wall of advancing > ICEMEN. TOM: In the end, this is really about a pretty lump of carbon, isn't it? CROW: Or chicks, I'm not sure. MIKE: Or size. > >33/34 BATMAN AND ROBIN grab two assailants, slipping between > their legs, skates popping out of their boots, as they > snatch the Icemen's sticks and trip the villains. CROW: What? MIKE: I'm not sure what happened. > >35 FREEZE has made it to his gun. He turns, FIRES, creating > an ice bridge to the floor. TOM: Great, now he's stealing Iceman's(tm) shtick from Marvel comics. > > FREEZE > Caution. Bridge may ice over. MIKE: Kill him! Kill him! CROW: Mike calm down, we got a long way to go . . . MIKE: Oh, that helps. > >35A He slides down the ice bridge to the floor below. > Starts racing for his giant drilling truck. > >36 BATMAN begins skating towards Freeze. > > BATMAN > You get the ice. I'll get the iceman. > >37 ROBIN skates through the Thugs, double sticking, CROW: Ahem. TOM: Didn't the Thugs play with the Buzzcocks? > CHECK- > ING them wildly into the boards, reaches down and scoops > up the diamond. > > ROBIN > Sweet. CROW: Tweet! > >38/39 FREEZE is racing towards his truck, Batman closing fast > behind him. MIKE : Nice glutes! He must work out! > Freeze spins and FIRES. > >40 BATMAN ducks, using his cape as an ice shield, deflecting > the beam into a closing Iceman behind him, freezing the > villain solid. > >41 FREEZE disappears behind the giant brontosaurus. MIKE: Knowing Schwarzenegger, it's the other way around. > >42 ROBIN skates into line with Batman, both heading fast for > Freeze. > > ROBIN > (shows the diamond) > I got mine. Where's yours? CROW: Later Robin(tm), later . . . TOM: There is a lot of unsaid sexual chemistry - which I'm glad goes unsaid . . . > >43 FREZE FIRES his gun, freezing the legs of the mighty > Brontosaur. > > FREEZE > What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age. CROW: I thought it was a meteor. MIKE: Yeah, but this is funny. Well, in theory. > >45/45 Freeze pushes on the belly of the beast, the mighty > creature toppling forward, EXPLODING in front of Batman > and Robin. CROW: It was mined . . . > >46 ROBIN > He's definitely extinct. > >47/48 BATMAN AND ROBIN skate fast to avoid the debris. CROW: But not fast enough to avoid the movie. > >49 AN ICEMAN flies in from the side, hitting Robin's hand, > sending the gem flying free. TOM : I'm free! > >50 ANOTHER ICEMAN skates to the gem, HITTING it with his > stick, sending the diamond flying up onto the landing by > the front doors. MIKE: We have hockey sign . . . > >51 FREEZE has made it to his truck, is climbing towards the > hatch. > >52 THE ICEMEN are a rushing wall between the caped crusaders > and the gem. Batman and Robin skate toward the villains, > pulling flagpoles from a display as if they are about to > joust the Icemen. TOM: It's Joust the Icemen, live with Men Without Hats and Nitzer Ebb! > > At the last second, Batman and Robin drive their poles > into the ice, TOM: Freudian Symbolism Plus! > vaulting over the heads of the Icemen > towards the landing and the waiting gem above. > >53 FREEZE has climbed to the hatch of his vehicle. > > FREEZE > Hit me boys. TOM: Do it! Do it! > >54/55 Batman and Robin land on the landing inches from the gem. > An Iceman skates from the wings, with a SLAPSHOT, sends > the diamond flying. > >56 FREEZE'S GLOVE - CLOSE. The diamond HITS. A perfect > catch. > > FREEZE > Thanks for playing. TOM : You win six pounds of Rice-A-Roni as a consolation gift. > >57 Freeze drops into the cab of his giant drilling truck. > The hatch starts to slide closed. > >58 BATMAN > Round up the thugs. I'll get Freeze. MIKE: We've done this before. TOM: Yeah, and Robin(tm) STILL kicked your pasty white, leather-clad, actor-changing ass! > >59/60 Batman leaps onto the banister, slides standing down the > rail and jumps, dropping into the closing hatch after > Freeze. CROW: Then he runs back up and rides back up again. He liked that! > >61 INT. DRILLING TRUCK - CONTROL CAPSULE MIKE: Are control capsules like tiny time capsules giving you control? > > A bank of control panels are set inside the giant glass > head of the drill. Batman falls in to find Freeze standing > at the main console. > > BATMAN > Stop the insanity. TOM: Great, the movie is going to be over! > > FREEZE > Nice of you to drop in. > > Freeze hits a button. A tremendous ROAR. CROW: It turns into a mechanical lion. TOM: It's Voltron! MIKE: Form Blazing Sword! TOM: More like form Blazing Saddles . . . > >62 INT. MUSEUM > > The capsule, set on the end of an ejection cylinder, > BLASTS out of the drilling truck, rising like a rocket > towards the roof. CROW: No symbolism here! MIKE: Er, it appears to BE a rocket? TOM: The scriptwriter hasn't even bothered to inform himself of his own plans. >63 ROBIN jumps on another banister, slides down, grabs a > banner and swings himself onto the side of the cylinder, > clutching a porthole ledge and hanging fast. MIKE: How do you hang fast? You either do it or you don't? Hanging is binary, you idiot! TOM: I say hang them high - for a fist full of dollars. > >64 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM > > The capsule BLOWS through the top of the museum, ROCKETING > towards the starry night sky above. CROW: Punching a hole in it! > >65 ZOOM IN. Robin clings to the side of the rocket for dear > life. MIKE: See, it is a rocket! TOM: Only you care, Mike. CROW: I think Mr. Freeze(tm) thinks Robin(tm) is like one of those Garfield(tm) sticky things . . . > >66 INT. CAPSULE > > Batman is thrown to the floor by the powerful > acceleration. Freeze stays upright, protected by his > mighty suit. CROW: Yeah, neutronium moon boots. MIKE: Even the laws of physics can't touch Schwarzenegger. > > BATMAN > You were a great scientist once. > Don't squander your genius on evil. > > FREEZE > I hate being lectured. TOM: I prefer a Power Point presentation! > >67 Freeze throws Batman, hard, MIKE: I don't care what his physical condition is . . . > into the bulkhead, uses his > pistol, to FREEZE Batman's ankles and wrists to the wall > in chunks of ice. CROW: Oooooooooooh! Ice Bondage! > > FREEZE > Watch the numbers, Batman. For they > are the harbingers of your doom. > >68 ALTIMETER CLOSE. 10,000 feet and climbing fast. TOM: AUDIENCE CLOSE. LEAVING SLOWLY. > > FREEZE > Can you feel it coming? MIKE: No, I feel nothing > The icy cold > of space. At 30,000 feet your heart > will freeze and beat no more. TOM: Ah, like Newt Gingrich's. > > THE ALTIMETER CLOSE. 15,000 feet and rising. MIKE: Is it too late for me to note that I don't care? TOM: THE AUDIENCE. LEAVING FASTER. > >69 EXT. CAPSULE > > Robin has climbed onto the nose-cone. Is struggling CROW: With his next line! TOM: Can you imagine the windburn he has? > against the acceleration, using bat-magnets to crawl > towards the escape hatch. > >70 INT. CAPSULE > > Freeze steps into a glide-wing backpack mounted on the wall. > > FREEZE > After you have frozen, your icy tomb > will plummet back to Gotham. TOM : Followed by a short eulogy. > > BATMAN > Freeze, you're mad. This capsule > will slaughter thousands. TOM: And annoy millions. > > Freeze releases the door behind him, the sky WHIPPING past > beyond. > > FREEZE > Ain't it grand? Freeze well. > > Freeze leaps out into the night. MIKE: Weighing over 400 pounds, the glide wing doesn't support him, he crashes into the city, destroying the Gotham(tm) Arboretum and ending the movie . . . TOM: Hallucinate much, Mike? MIKE: I could use a little more. > >71 EXT. NIGHT SKY > > Freeze begins to plummet towards the lights of Gotham > below. > >72 FREEZE'S BACKPACK - CLOSE. A sleek wing extends from its > housing. CROW: However, he put it on sideways, so it slices him in half! > > Freeze angles himself downward in mid air, using his > glide wing to control his fast flight towards the > distant city. > >73 INT. CAPSULE CROW: Bright lights. Big city. Bad movie. > >74 The controls, the glass nose-cone, the capsule itself are > all frosting over. The hatch opens. Robin drops in. > > ROBIN > I was just hanging around. MIKE: There've already been enough lame one-liners for two movies! > > BATMAN > I thought you were going to stay in > the museum and round up the thugs. > > ROBIN > How about, nice to see you? Glad > you're here to save my life. > >75 Robin pulls a laser from his utility belt, FLASH MELTS > one of his ice-shackles. CROW: The Flash(tm) is in this movie? > > BATMAN > When we get home, we're having a > little communication workshop. CROW : Not again . . . TOM: Well, Master means this, Slave means this . . . > > Robin FLASH METLS the other ice gauntlet. Batman is free. TOM: But Robin(tm) costs extra. > > ROBIN > Is it cold in here or is it just me? > >76 ALTIMETER - CLOSE. 20,000 and rising. Ice is forming > everywhere. CROW: Not at that speed! > > BATMAN > Got to make sure this rocket doesn't > turn Gotham into a crater. MIKE: Who would notice? Metropolis(tm) would just have a party to celebrate! TOM: Still speaking in trademark. MIKE: Yeah, it's like being in the Gary Gygax universe . . . > >77 Batman whips a bat-shaped charge, throws it onto the > ceiling. An armed light on the charge flashes green. TOM: The armed light shoots them dead! > > ROBIN > Now what? We call a taxi? CROW: Hey, we're gonna see Space Cabby! > >78 Batman grabs a handle marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE BOLTS. > Robin smiles, grabs a similar handle on the opposing metal > door. CROW: Marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE NUTS. > > BATMAN > Watch the first step. > > ROBIN > Surf's up. CROW: Audience - Interest is down. > >79 Both pull the release handles, leaping onto the capsule > doors as the EXPLOSIVE bolts BLOW them into space. CROW: Phallic Symbol Five. TOM: Yeah, our last best hope for crude symbolism. > >80 THE BATCHARGE LIGHT - CLOSE. Goes red. > >81 EXT. NIGHT SKY - FALLING > > As the capsule EXPLODES above them raining falling > debris, Batman and Robin skyboard on the doors down > towards... MIKE: It's Dark Star! > >82 FREEZE is ROCKETING to earth, the diamond in his hand. MIKE: A song in his heart. > >83/84 OMITTED ALL: Thank you . . . > >84A BATMAN AND ROBIN race towards Freeze and the city > below. > > The caped crusaders avoid skyscraper turrets and elevated > bridges as they follow in Freeze's wake. TOM: But the billboards get them . . . > >84B BATMAN swoops down above the villain, pushing off his > skyboard, grabbing Freeze around the neck, the diamond > flying into mid air. > >85 ROBIN maneuvers in a grand flip, grabs the falling gem. CROW: Robin(tm) makes a mistake and grabs Freeze's(tm) family jewels instead! > >86/87 FREEZE releases his glide pack buckle, MIKE: His pants fall off . . . > dislodging Batman, > the hero and the glide pack spinning away from Freeze. > >88 BATMAN dumps the glide pack, arcs back into his rushing > drop. MIKE: I think we'd have to see the film to make sense of this . . . > >89-91 OMITTED CROW: And those were the scenes that explained the whole movie. > >92 FREEZE is descending fast towards the giant smoking >93 chimney of a towering industrial complex. TOM: Phallic symbol six or so . . > He aims his gun > at the smoking toward and FIRES, the fast maw quickly > covering with snow. MIKE: Fast Maw . . . CROW: Hang on Maw, we're going fast! > >94 Freeze plummets into the snowy chimney. > >95 BATMAN AND ROBIN drop into the ice shaft after the > villain. > >96 FREEZE FIRES his gun as he falls, slowing his descent by > turning the chimney into a madly snaking tunnel of ice > before him. MIKE: And this accomplishes . . . what? TOM: Employing special effects people. > >96A-96D OMITTED MIKE: And here's where skating stops terminal velocity. > >97 BATMAN AND ROBIN tumble head first through layers of snow > after the villain. They pull their Batgrapples and FIRE. > >98 BATGRAPPLES - CLOSE. Hit the wall. Catch. MIKE: I can just see Green Lantern(tm) up there, looking at all this spaceborne mess, and thinking 'Not My Problem.' > >99 BATMAN AND ROBIN use their tethers to slow their descent, > landing hard in... > >100 INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > A long submarine-like corridor > > ROBIN > Cool. Can we do that again? MIKE: No young man, and if you ask again, we're going RIGHT back to the Batcave! > >101 Batman and Robin race towards Freeze who is fleeing down > the other end of the corridor. he points his gun at the > ceiling. FIRES. > >102 The sprinkler system pipes EXPLODE, forming a mighty, > intense blizzard in the wind-tunnel. > >103 BATMAN > Sudden temperature drop. Watch out > for the... TOM: Tree! MIKE: It's George of the Clooney! >104 A blast of wind ROARS down the tunnel, SLAMMING the > doors, sending snow and ice whipping towards them > > BATMAN > Wind. CROW: Sorry. Lentils. > >105 Batman and Robin WHIP their capes over their faces, MIKE: And each other . . . > push > forward, fighting the storm, going through the doors one > by one. > >106 INT. BOILER ROOM > > Frozen. At the terminus of the tunnel. A frozen boiler > stands in the center of the icy moat of the building's > INTERNAL RESERVOIR. The door swings open, Batman pushing > inside. > >107 Freeze flies from behind the door, SLAMMING the metal > portal hard into Batman's face. TOM: Making George Clooney marginally more attractive. > Batman tumbles forward. > >108 Freeze raises his gun. Another figure leaps in from the > hallway, going for Freeze. Robin. MIKE: Hey, now Robin's(tm) going for Freeze(tm)! Evolving relationships here . . . > >109 Freeze FIRES, turning the boy into a frozen sculpture of > ice. He plucks the diamond from his icy hand. > >109A EXT. CROSS SECTION OF GOTHAM CITY-VFX > > A schematic map of Gotham. Freeze's vehicle burrows > underneath the city, freezing the firmament in its path CROW: Firmament? Firmament? That's SKY you moron! > and clearing away the debris, heading towards the boiler > room. > >110 INT. BOILER ROOM > > (OVER) a RUMBLING. TOM: I think I need more time to get over the Rumbling. CROW: Tom, the only way over the Rumbling is through it. > Suddenly the wall EXPLODES. Freeze's > drilling truck appears in the clearing smoke. > >111 FREEZE > Can you be cold, Batman? You have > eleven minutes to thaw the bird. > What will you do, chase the villain > or save the boy? MIKE : Frankly, I'd rather chase the boy and save the villain! > > Freeze leaps onto the giant vehicle. TOM: What is it with sizes in this thing! CROW: It's about the gear. TOM: Oh, I forgot. > > FREEZE > Your emotions make you weak. That is > why this day is mine. > (smile) > Stay cool, bats. > >112 And Freeze is gone, sealing the tunnel hole after him > with a blast of ice, clearing the frosted pane to wave > goodbye. MIKE: Probably with one finger. > >113 Batman moves fast to the boy wonder, touches his frozen > skin. ALL: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh! > He whips out his bat-laser, points at the icy > reservoir and FIRES. > >114 THE RESERVOIR - CLOSE. The frozen water melts, begins to > SIMMER. > >115 The caped crusader immerses Robin in the steaming sea. MIKE: He's a Baptist! : Do you renounce the Joker and all his works! >115A Under the water, the boy's face is perfectly still. > >116 A long beat. Then Robin's head breaks the surface. > COUGHING. Alive TOM: Unfortunately the rest of him is dead. MIKE: Makes me wonder what happened to poor old Jan after we became pure energy. > > ROBIN > Did we get him? > >117 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN RAIN FOREST - NIGHT CROW: Exterior of the South American Rain Forest? Where is this, Mexico? TOM: Jeez, welcome to Movie II. > > (OVER) THUNDER. Lighting flashes on a maze of tends and > tarpaulins affixed to the ruins of a decaying PRISON MORTE. MIKE: Then lightning closes its trenchcoat. > A "FOR SALE OR LEASE" sign is illuminated by the storm. > > SCREEN READS - Meanwhile, somewhere in the South American > Jungle... CROW: We search for a more interesting plot. > >118 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB - NIGHT > > Bunsen Burners flicker. Beakers BUBBLE. ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee > Martha Stewart > does Fankenstein. MIKE: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! TOM: Woah, you won't see THAT on Spice! > > PAMELA ISLEY, lovely features hidden by a glasses and bad > hair, shape obscured by her lab coat, TALKS into a > cylindrical micro-recorder. MIKE : Diane . . . > > PAMELA > I still have high hopes for the > animal plant cross-breedings TOM : But the plants will just not go out with me! MIKE: You know, she used to practice animal husbandry - until they caught her at it . . . > > Pam surveys the two lab tables. One table is a mass of plants. > The other is covered with tanks of spiders, snakes and > scorpions. Tubes run from the lethal beasts into a jar of > milky fluid labeled VENOM. TOM: Generic venom. Cheaper than regular venom. > More tubes run from the Venom > jar into the plants. One plant twitches as it receives the > toxins. MIKE: Oh, yeah, gimme some more, gimme some more Huggy Bear . . . TOM: This may just be me, but I think it's wrong to teach plants to shoot up. > > PAMELA > If I can only find the correct dose > of Venom, these plants will be able > to fight back like animals. TOM: By polluting the environment and decimating the ecosphere! > I will > have given flora a chance against > the thoughtless ravages of man. MIKE: Yet we have no protection from the thoughtless ravages of this script . . . > > (OVER) An agonized SCREAM. TOM: The audience realizes what it paid to see. > Terrified, Pam walks towards > the source of the WAILS, a gothic prison door to which the > tent is affixed. The portal is marked: PROJECT GILGAMESH. TOM: And PROJECT LUSCIOUS JACKSON. > > PAMELA > Personal note: my work would proceed > faster if Dr. Woodrue weren't always > whisking my Venom samples back to > his mysterious Gilgamesh Wing. Why > won't he let me into his lab? MIKE: His lab has a "No Girls Allowed" sign like the Little Rascals. > > (OVER) Another blood-curdling SCREAM. Pam turns off the > recorder. TOM: By showing it Molly Sugden naked. > > PAM > What is he doing in there? > >119 Just then the door opens, a startled Pam dropping her > recorder as lightning flashes and DOCTOR JASON WOODRUE > ENTERS. Einstein's hair. Manson's eyes. TOM: Oppenheimer's belly. > > WOODRUE > Dr. Isley, loveliest flower in our > garden. How fare our little wards? MIKE: And our little Junes and our little Wallys? > > Woodrue moves in, too close, backing Pam against her > worktable, his face inches from hers. He spots the jar of > Venom. TOM: Got some bourbon? This stuff goes great with that! > > WOODRUE > What do we have here? A lovely new > supply of Venom. > (lifts the jar) > I'll just take this to my laboratory > for further study. > > PAMELA > What exactly are you working on in > there? What are those screams? > > A bright flash of lightning. CROW: Which, unfortunately, didn't strike the writer. > Woodrune advances on Pam. TOM: Geez, by now he's behind her. > > WOODRUE > How I'd love to share my secrets with > you. But I ask you, sweet sapling, TOM: Oh, my little ragweed of joy. MIKE: This guy has all the romantic skill of Earthworm Jim . . . > can you be trusted? You refuse my > invitations to dine. You hide your > honeyed buds behind these sallow robes. ALL: Eeeeeewwwww! > > (OVER) More lightning and ever more deafening THUNDER. TOM: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder . . . ah, forget it. > > WOODRUE > Ah, but there's romance in the air > tonight. Perhaps a moonlit stroll in > the jungle. And then, later, in the > dark, we can share everything. TOM: Will you guys mind if I throw up? MIKE: No, just warn us so we can join in > > Woodrue has her up against the wall, his twitching lips > only inches from hers. Pam winces, manages to step away. > (OVER) another SCREAM. MIKE: With Drew Barrymore. > > PAMELA > You have to tell me what you're > doing with my Venom. MIKE: Pam, maybe we don't want to find out. CROW: Yeah, Pam, some things go better unsaid. > > WOODRUE > (nasty) TOM: Nasty as he wants to be - which is PLENTY in this case. > You must show me your secrets, > blossom, before I show you mine. CROW: Oh, yuck, now he's hitting on Blossom! > >120 Pam watches him leave. As the door to the Gilgamesh wing > swings closed, Pam kicks her fallen recorder, the metal > cylinder rolling between door and jamb, keeping the > entrance from sealing. > >121 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH SECTION - WALKING > > Pam steals through the crumbling hallway of the abandoned > prison following the SCREAMS (OVER) as they grow ever > LOUDER. TOM : That poor audience, I must save them from my film . . > >122 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH CHAMBER > > Banks of flashing SuperCrays. A gurney is surrounded by > SPARKING and HUMMING equipment. Frankestein meets > Frankenstien. TOM: In a battle to save Frankenstein from the Amazing Rando! > > Woodrue emerges from the shadows, a portable phone in > hand. > > WOODRUE > Ladies and gentlemen of the > un-United Nations. > (into the phone) > And our mystery bidder. TOM: Who is busy draining his mystery bladder, but will be with us shortly. > >123 Pull BACK TO REVEAL > > A small bridge arcs over the room. AN AMERICAN GENERAL, > A RUSSIAN COMMISSAR, A SHEIK, and A DICTATOR all watch on > from above. TOM: Where do you get a generic Dictator? CROW: Sams club. > > WOODRUE > I give you the future of military > conquest. MIKE: This script! > > A scrawny PRISONER in a too-large tank suit is dragged > into the room by several gun-toting CAPOS and shackled to > the gurney. His bald skull is adorned with three > surgically implanted ducts. MIKE AND TOM: Quack, quack . . . CROW: He wrote "ducts" guys. > > WOODRUE > May I present Antonio Diego, serial > murderer serving life in prison and > sole surviving volunteer. TOM: He killed Snap, Crackle, and Pop! > > Diego SPITS. > > WOODRUE > And what a charmer he is. MIKE: I hope this doesn't have a swimsuit competition. > >124 WIDER. Pam slips in, unseen, hides behind a stack of > circuit boxes, watching on as Woodrue lifts the jar of > milky Venom. TOM: It was a very good hour . . . > > WOODRUE > The super solder serum, MIKE: Let's hope Marvel forgets this . . . > code named > Venom, patent pending of course. > > Woodrue pours the venom into a high-tech injector pack > strapped to the back of the gurney. TOM: So easy a child can use it! > He lifts an open-front > black and white mask attached by snaking tubes to the > injector pack. > > WOODRUE > Notice the hassle free zipper. TOM: And the one on my pants . . . > > He pulls the oversized mask over Diego's head, tubes fitting > into the ducts in his skull, zips the fabric closed over his > face. CROW: Do we have ENOUGH bondage themes yet? > > WOODRUE > (lifts a remote) TOM: Who wants to watch wrestling from Thailand? > Time to scream. ALL: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! !! > > He hits a control stud TOM: Named "Thad." > on the remote. The injector pack > begins PUMPING the milky Venom into Diego's skull. Diego > SCREAMS. TOM: Oh, he didn't mean us. > >125 Something strange happens to the prisoner. MIKE: He outsmarts Number Two and escapes! > His chest > begins to enlarge. His neck becomes thick. his forearms grow. MIKE: He's turning into "El Santo!" > > WOODRUE > Behold, the ideal killing machine. I > call this little number...Bane. Bane > of humanity. Imagine it, your own > personal army made up of thousands > of these super soldiers. Bidding > begins at a mere 10 million. MIKE: Ten million what? > > Woodrue ups the Venom flow. Impossibly the prisoner grows > larger. Arm and leg shackles SNAP. Bane lurches for the > Venom pump, SMASHING consoles, SPARKING components raining > down around Pam. CROW: But they won't stick if it's Pam! > > PAM SCREAMS. > > As Capos rush to subdue Bane, Woodrue strides to the dazed > Pam. > > WOODRUE > Welcome to my parlor. MIKE: Said the psycho to the Flygirl . . . TOM: Nicely done! MIKE: Thank you. It keeps my mind off the need I feel to kill myself! > >126 INT. CORRIDOR - WALKING CROW: The entire corridor is walking? What is it, the corridor of Baba Yaga? MIKE: Maybe it's the earlier one. > > Woodrue is escorting a nervous Pam back towards her lab. > > WOODRUE > ...Our original sponsor had no > stomach for military applications. > he cut the funding for our work - TOM: And the audience has no stomach for this film . . . > > PAMELA > Our work? MIKE: Woah. HR really wiffed it with Pam here, didn't they? > > WOODRUE > Without your research, I could never > have come this far. Join me. The two > of us, entwined, side by side... MIKE : Never has heterosexuality been this unappealing. > > They have arrived at Pam's workshop. Woodrue opens the > door. > >127 INT. PAMELA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS CROW: Continuous. So the rest of the film will be in here? > > PAMELA > Join you? I've spent my life trying > to protect plants from extinction > and now you corrupt my research into > some maniacal scheme for world > domination. TOM : What are we going to do tonight, Pamela? > When I get through you > won't be able to get a job teaching > high school chemistry, do you hear > me, you psycho? TOM : Huh? Did you say something. > > WOODRUE > Well, I can respect your opinion. MIKE: But not your taste in clothes. > > Woodrue shoves Pam viciously backwards into the inter- > connected tables, plants and poisonous beasts raining > down on top of her. TOM : It's raining snakes! > > WOODRUE > Sadly, I'm not good at rejection. MIKE: Or acting, or finance, or calculus. > > Woodrue begins pulling shelves of cages and BUBBLING > beakers ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee CRASHING down atop the struggling Pam, burying her > and all her specimens entirely. MIKE: Ewwww! TOM: Looks like Pam's buried in her work! Bada-bing! > > WOODRUE > I'm afraid you'll have to die. MIKE : Do you expect me to act? No, Miss Isley, I expect you to die! > >128 WOODRUE - CLOSE. Smiles as the SOUNDS of Pam's struggle > are finally silenced. He turns, heading back into the > hallway. > > WOODRUE > (loud) > Fellow maniacs, bidding begins! MIKE: I wonder if 10,000 maniacs will be bidding? > >129 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Bruce stands with Dick ALL > , now wrapped in a blanket ALL > , steaming > mug in hand, ALL > watching the main monitor. ALL CROW: It's the new breakfast treat, Dicks in a blanket! > > BRUCE > Gotham University Labs. Security > video. Two years ago. TOM: Could you get one? > >130 SCREEN - CLOSE. The image of a dazzling hi-tech lab- > oratory. A beautiful young woman (NORA FRIES) lays on > a gurney. TOM: You want Fries with that? Bada-bing! > A SCIENTIST works a bank of controls over a > SMOKING vat of cryonic solution. Handsome, the intense > gaze of genius, the man Freeze once was. TOM: Before Schwarzenegger played him, you mean. MIKE: That's pretty low, Tom. > > BRUCE > Dr. Victor Fries Two time Olympic > Decathelete. Nobel Prize winner in > molecular biology. CROW: Denture wearer. > After his wife > contracted a rare disease, McGregor's > Syndrome, TOM: Which you get from standing too near a plot device. > he hoped to freeze her in > cryogenic sleep until he could > discover a cure. Here's where > everything goes north. MIKE: Oh, very sensitive, Brucie-poo! > > Alarms flash. A panel EXPLODES. TOM: He shouldn't have used the spare panels off of the Star Trek set. > Fries is BLOWN into the > vat of cryogenic solution. > > BRUCE > That liquid is fifty below. MIKE: Wholesale! > > Fries SCREEAMS, engulfed in the mists of the cryonic > solution, his skin now frozen, bluish, his hair brittle, > all but gone. > > DICK > That's gotta hurt. TOM: No, it gives one a feeling of soothing relief. OF COURSE IT HURTS YOU MORON! > > BRUCE > Somehow he survived. But the > cryoslution mutated his body. MIKE: You think!?!?!?! > >131 The display shows a turning schematic of Fries. TOM : And now a display of Mr. Freeze's(tm) naughty bits . . > > DICK > What happened to his wife? CROW: Like he cares. TOM: She settled down with Captain Cold after the Flash beat him once too much. > > BRUCE > Presumed dead. No one knows. > > The display now shows a turning Mr. Freeze. Compartments > in both suit sleeves are highlighted, flashing diamond > shapes within. TOM: And clubs on his ankles. > > BRUCE > He needs extreme cold to survive. > His cryo-suit uses diamond enhanced > lasers to keep him at zero degrees. TOM: . . . of Kevin Bacon. MIKE: Lasers? Oh, that's effective for creating cooling. > > DICK > Let me get this straight. CROW: Good luck . . . > A > brilliant citizen, TOM: Or Mr. Freeze(tm). > disfigured by a > horrible accident, re-emerges as a > psychotic super-villain bent on > theft, revenge and destruction. > You see a pattern here? MIKE: Only that we did this last film. > > BRUCE < Maybe it's something in the water. > > Bruce returns Dick's smile. TOM: Here, you dropped this. > > BRUCE > Well, if it's ice the iceman > wants...Alfred! > >132 INT. COSTUME VALUT - CONTINUOUS > > Alfred stands near the costumes, TOM: Becoming Butlerman! > clutching a console, a > man in intense pain. MIKE: He saw the film too. > He lets the wave subside, regains his > composure. > >133 INT. BATCAVE - CONTINUOUS > > Alfred emerges as if nothing were wrong. MIKE: But he read the script, so he's faking it! > > BRUCE > I need the Wayne Diamonds. CROW: He's going for the family jewels! > > DICK > We gonna trap ourselves a snowman? TOM : No, build one, it's called art therapy! > > BRUCE > Absolutely. Just as soon as you take > ten hours training in the simulator. TOM: So THAT'S what he calls it. > > DICK > Woah, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. > Don't go all protective on me. It > won't happen again. > > BRUCE > Dick, you were reckless. You could > have been killed. MIKE: And Bruce could have been what, mildly wounded. > > DICK > I'm fine. See. Me. here. Alive. MIKE: Dick alive. Jane alive. Spot alive. > How are we gonna work together if > you're never going to trust me? > > ALFRED > How, indeed? > > Bruce stares at the two of them. He smiles a wry smile. > > BRUCE > When did I become the bad guy? TOM: When you replaced Val Kilmer, but I kind of blame Frank Miller as well. > >134 INT. BACK STAIRCASE - WALKING > > Bruce and Alfred travel the winding stair that leads from > the Batcave to the top of the house. MIKE: The entrance changes with each actor . . . > > BRUCE > He's over-eager, impulsive. I can't > trust him not to get hurt. > > ALFRED > Perhaps the truth is you don't > really trust anyone. MIKE: Perhaps you're plotting against me Alfred! > > BRUCE > Don't tell me you're on his side. > Again. TOM : Again! > > ALFRED > Despite all your talents, you > are still a novice in the ways of family. CROW: With a capital 'F' > Dick follows the same ends as you ALL > but > gets there by his own course. You > must learn to trust him. For that > is the nature of family. MIKE: They have said more in one paragraph . . . > > They step through a doorway into... > >135 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS MIKE: The stairway to the Batcave goes to Alfred's bedroom. TOM : Sorry Alfred, sorry whoever you are! Just heading for the Batcave! > > BRUCE > I trust you, Alfred. > > Alfred seems oddly pained by Bruce's words. > > ALFRED > But I shan't be here forever. MIKE : If I'm lucky. > > Bruce stares at Alfred a beat. But Alfred just smiles. > > ALFRED > Good night, Master Bruce. MIKE : So this is it, I'm going to die. > >135A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - HALLWAY > > Bruce EXITS his butler's room. Looks to the end of the > hallway. > >135B A YOUNGER BRUCE, no older than ten comes racing around > the corner, trips, tumbling to the wooden floor. Another > figure steps out behind him. ALFRED, decades younger, MIKE: So only about 90 then. > kneels > by the boy, brushing off his knees, giving the boy comfort. TOM: Southern Comfort! CROW: Bruce is about twenty years younger, and Alfred is DECADES younger? > >135C BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE - CLOSE. Blinks away the images from the past, CROW: Get away from me you pesky past! > only the > fragile ghosts of memory, moves off down the empty hallway. > >135D INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT TOM: ALFRED'S NICKLES - DAY. > > Alfred sit at his computer, activates the screen. he > lifts a CD, slips in into the disk drive, begins to TYPE. MIKE : Time to play "Porno Pirates From Pluto" CD-ROM interactive. > > COMPUTER > Override engaged. Copying protected > files. > > Alfred lifts a micro-recorder. > > ALFRED > Still unable to reach you. have > vital information you must see... MIKE : Bruce is so flipping deranged, Mr. Jung. > >136 SCREEN - CLOSE. The files Alfred is copying. Batmobile > design. Batsuit schematics. All downloading onto the small > disk. TOM: He's got one hell of a Zip drive! > >137 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - PRISON MORTE - NIGHT > > A full moon shines over the hidden complex. TOM: Put your pants back on, Dr. Woodrue! > >138 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB > > Woodrue stands at Pam's workstation, TALKING on his > portable phone as he rifles through her research. MIKE: Pow! TOM: Blam! > > WOODRUE > Yes, sir, I'm so pleased you won the > bidding, Your Supreme Ruthlessness.. MIKE: Thank you Mr. Ming, or may I call you Merciless? > > (OVER) Bane SCREAMS in the distance. CROW: Thank you sir, may I have another? > > WOODRUE > We're making the final modifications > on Bane right now. TOM: You wanted the eight-track tape player, right? > We'll have a > thousand super soldiers out to you > tomorrow by overnight mail... > >139 He hangs up. HOLD on a patch of ivy in the b.g. Perfectly > still. Suddenly the leaves RUSTLE, as if being moved from > beneath. MIKE: Because they probably are . . . > > Woodrue turns as a figure BURSTS, fast, from beneath the > brush. TOM: Do not bring your evil here! Get out of the script! > > Magenta hair. Chlorophyll green eyes. Ravaged clothes > revealing the form and demeanor of a goddess. The woman > who was once Pamela Isley smiles, moves forward. TOM: It's Swamp Thang! > > WOODRUE > Dr. Isley? Pamela? You look great. > Especially for a dead woman. MIKE : I prefer them dead, you know . . . > > PAMELA > Hello, Jason. I think I've had a > change of heart. > > Her lips glisten. She leans in and kisses him. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! MIKE: So whatever happened to her reduced her sense of taste . . . > > PAMELA > Quite literally. I don't think I'm > human anymore. The animal-plant > toxins had a rather unique effect on > me. They replaced my blood with > alone, my skin with chlorophyll and > fill my lips with Venom. CROW: Exposition for fun and profit. TOM: So if you have sunburn, rub Uma Thurman over your body. MIKE: That'd make ME feel better. > > Woodrue begins to CHOKE. He falls, clutching his throat. > > PAMELA > Oh, and Jason? One other thing. > Silly me, I probably should have > mentioned this earlier. I'm poison. > (shrugs) > It's a jungle in here. > >140 Pam spills beakers of chemicals onto the floor. ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee > She > throws a Bunsen burner to the ground, the lab suddenly in > flames. > > PAMELA > Let the flames touch the sky. MIKE: 'Scuse me while I touch the sky! > For I > am nature's arm, her spirit, her > will. TOM: Her toenails. CROW: Her buttocks. MIKE: Her left ankle. > Hell, I am mother nature. > The time has come for plants to take > back the world so rightfully ours. > Because it's not nice to fool with > mother nature. > > Something catches Pam's eye. MIKE: And rips it from the socket. > Pam lifts a broken beaker > On it, the Wanye Enterprises logo. (OVER) Bane SCREAMS > in the distance. > > PAMELA > Coming, Bane darling. We've got a > plane to catch. > >141 EXT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT CROW : Mmmmmmmmmm. Ice cream! > > An abandoned ice cream factory built in the shape of a > snowman's face, a dripping cone stuck onto the giant > snowball head. TOM: They offed Frosty! > >142 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > Abandoned. Always freezing. Ice sculpture everywhere. > Freeze walks the bowels of the old factory. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! TOM: Wait, if he's here, it's not abandoned! MIKE: Where do they get the electricity? Or is Gotham(tm) Electric REALLY incompetent? > > ICEMEN in parkas and SNOW BUNNIES eat frozen dinners, > GUFFAWING as they watch TV. The SEXIEST BUNNY sidles up > to Freeze. MIKE: She's the sexiest bunny of them all. TOM AND CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww! > > BUNNY > Freezy, I'm feeling...hot. MIKE: Down, Thumper, down! > > FREEZE > I find that unlikely. > > BUNNY > Okay, my hair is brittle, my skin > is dry and I don't care. I'd > weather blizzards to have you. > You're the most perfect man I've > ever known. MIKE: What standards does this woman use?!?! > > FREEZE > To be frozen. To never change. A > life of perpetual ice-olation. > There is little perfection in that. > > BUNNY > (pushing closer) > What say we turn up the heat? MIKE: What say we turn up the writing? > > FREEZE > You're skating on thin ice. My > passion thaws for my bride alone. > > BUNNY > Forget your frosty femme. These lips > are wet and ready to get frostbite. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! > > FREEZE > Hop away little bunny. Before I > cool your jets. Permanently. > > The Bunny storms off. TOM: What's wrong with this picture? MIKE: Everything, Tom, everything! > > FREEZE > I wonder how cold I can get my > shower...Frosty! > > Freeze's faithful aide, FROSTY, appears by his side. TOM: Happy Birthday! > > FREEZE > Everyone is always having a good > time. Except me. MIKE: And the audience. > Try as I might, > can find no pleasure. TOM: We can relate. > Perhaps my > heart truly has turned to ice. > >143 Freeze lifts his gun and FIRES, freezing Frosty solid. > > FREEZE > Well, that was fun. There's hope for > me yet. MIKE: No there's not. > >143A Freeze stares at his frozen aide a beat, changes the > setting on his gun and FIRES, a THAWING BEAM melting > Frosty so he stands now, soaked and dripping like a wet cat. CROW: Meow! > >143B Freeze turns on his heel. Frosty follows him past > mounting files of research. Scrawled schematics An icy > workshop. MIKE: Where he makes toys for all the bad little girls and boys. > > FREEZE > Do you think I'm mad, Frosty? TOM : I think you're pissed. > > FROSTY > (wringing out his sleeves) > That's really a judgment call, boss. TOM: I vote mad. CROW: Me to. MIKE: And me. > >144 OMITTED > >145 A flashing display on his suit watch reads LOW POWER. > > FREEZE > Battling the bat exhausted my power. > > From a safe, Freeze takes three small diamonds, MIKE: Two turtledoves. TOM AND CROW: And a partridge in a pear tree. > place > them in the suit compartment. His power levels spike to > normal. TOM: In the end zone! > > FREEZE > But I was successful nevertheless. > >146 Freeze continues to a pedestal atop which sits a machine > powered by two giant diamonds. CROW: Powered? Are they running on a treadmill? > Slots for two more diamonds > are empty. He removes the giant stolen diamond from within > his tunic, place the gem in an empty third slot. > > FREEZE > One more giant diamond of this size > and my freezing cannon will be > complete. MIKE: Sure it will. > I will hold Gotham ransom. > Unless the city bows to my demands, > it's winter forever here in goat-town. CROW: And never Christmas. TOM: Goat town? > The city fathers will have no choice > but to give me the billions I need > to complete my research, CROW: What does he know about city finances? > to find the > cure for... TOM: The movie. > >146 Freeze has come to a frozen wall. MIKE: And so has the plot. > > FREEZE > Leave us. We need quality time. > >147 OMITTED > >148 As Frosty EXITS in the b.g., Freeze enters a walk-in > freezer, lifts a frozen dinner box. A SECRET VAULT opens. > Freezes steps into... TOM: Gomez Adam's vault! CROW: Babushka! > >148A INT. FREEZE'S SUBTERRANEAN COLD VAULT > > Within, a computerized glacier-like sarcophagus bears his > frozen wife, a snowflake pendant around her neck. MIKE: I hope she's wearing more - unless she looks like Maria Shriver! > > FREEZE > (touches the glass) > Soon we will be together once more. > > Freeze turns towards his research, heading back to work. > > FREEZE > Nothing frustrates a man like a > frigid wife. MIKE: Funny. Ha. TOM: Come on, let's take a break. [THEY EXIT] [BRIDGE OF SOL. MIKE, CROW, AND TOM ENTER] MIKE: CROW: TOM: MIKE: CROW: MIKE and CROW: MIKE: TOM: MIKE and TOM: TOM: CROW: TOM and CROW: ALL: [MOVIE SIGN LIGHTS FLASH. THE CREW DEJECTEDLY HEADS FOR THE THEATER] [SOL THEATER. MIKE AND COMPANY SLOUCH INTO THE THEATER] > >149 INT. LIMBO - NIGHT CROW: Limbo, limbo, limbo! > > Robin is fighting Mr. Freeze and his cronies. Robin > delivers a fast set of spinning kicks to the Thugs, > felling them like toys. MIKE: Unfortunately, Weebles, so they pop back up! > >150 A Thug carrying a large diamond breaks free, racing away. TOM: Thugs in "Breaking Away!" > Robin leaps for the escaping Thug, putting his back to > Freeze. > >151 Freeze raises his joined fists high above Robin's head, > coming down fast. Robin is done for. CROW: We should hope . . . > >152 Suddenly Batman swing out of the dark, MIKE: And out of the closet. > his boots flying > into Freeze's chest, TOM: Barefooted, he skids into a corner. > sending the villain hard to the > ground. > >153 Batman drops to Freeze's chest, HAMMERS a series of > punches into his tunic, rendering him unconscious. TOM: So Batman(tm) knocked himself unconscious? Did he hit Freeze(tm) with his head? > Batman > looks up at Robin. > >154 BATMAN > We'll be starting again now. MIKE: So just keep dancing . . . > >155 Just then Freeze's hand shoots up, grabbing Batman by the > throat. > >156 BATMAN > Pause virtual reality simulation. > > PUSH IN as Batman reaches towards his cowl. SCREEN WIPES > TO REVEAL... TOM: The writer, going "Ahhhh, I'll just do this." > >157 BRUCE WAYNE - CLOSE. Pulls off a pair of VR goggles. CROW: My gosh, Bruce Wayne is Batman(tm)! TOM: Oh, and I thought it was Billy Batson(tm)! > > WIDER CROW: Bigger! TOM: Smaller! MIKE: Patheticer . . . > > Bruce and Dick, also in VR goggles, stand on an empty > platform in the back of the Batcave. > > DICK > I got the diamond. Quell problemo, Bruce? MIKE : Oh, Dicky, you spoke Spanish . . . > > BRUCE > You left your back wide open. MIKE: Uh-huh. > Freeze > could have killed you. TOM : If I was lucky . . . > >158 Dick demonstrates a spinning back kick that would have > dropped Freeze in his tracks. > > DICK > I had it covered. CROW: Good. You were in public. > > (OVER) A doorbell RINGS. MIKE: Arhkam calling! > > DICK > You know, in the circus, The Flying > Graysons were a team. We had to > trust each other. We had to count > on each person to do his part. That's > what being partners is all about. TOM: That's how come they all died at the same time. > (loud) > End simulation. MIKE: The movie is over! > >159 Ambient lights come up in the cave. CROW: Followed by ambient music! > >160 DICK > Sometimes counting on someone else > is the only way to win. > > (OVER) the doorbell RINGS again. MIKE: Arhkam calling!!!!! > > DICK > (puzzled) > Where's Al? TOM: Talking to Sam. > > Dick heads for the door. > > BRUCE > (following) > Couldn't we just for once pretend > that I'm the teacher and you're the > student? TOM: No, you wanted to play Civil War Veteran and Southern Belle! > >162 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - AFTERNOON > > Columns of dancing sunlight fill the giant entryway. Dick > goes to the front door as Bruce meets Alfred emerging in > the b.g. > > ALFRED > I must have dozed off. My sincerest > apologies, sir. CROW: I was reading the script, I couldn't help myself. > > BRUCE > No apology necessary. That's the > first time in thirty years. MIKE: I don't think it's our dirty minds here guys, this is all pretty sick . . . > > Bruce smiles, but he can't take his eyes off Alfred. TOM: He looks great for his age. > The > butler seems pale, older than usual. TOM : Miss Kyle dropped by, I put on the cowl and pretended . . . > > DICK > Mystery pizza delivery? ALL: No, Mystery Science Theater! > >163 Dick opens the door. A young girl stands in the autumn > light, beautiful, dressed in prim, schoolgirl clothes, TOM: Moon Prism Power Activate! CROW: Tom, don't ever scare me like that again. MIKE: Yeah, at this rate I'm surprised they haven't brought in batgirl. > BARBARA WILSON. MIKE: Yaaaah!!!! TOM: Nice call, Mike. Forgot Alicia Silverstone was in this turkey, dind'cha? MIKE: Wilson? What happened to Gordon?! > > DICK > Please be looking for me. CROW: There aren't many good lines, but he's got them. > > BARBARA > I'm so sorry to trouble you, but- TOM: Can I use my precocious martial arts skills and the fact that I look good in leather to fight crime? > > That's when the girl sports Alfred. The old man's eyes > widen. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > >164 Barbara rushes in, past Dick and Bruce, into the old > butler's arms. he holds her close. Bruce and Dick face > each other. CROW: With a wonderful, passionate, kiss! > > BRUCE & DICK > (mouthing) > Uncle? MIKE: I'm calling Uncle too! > >165 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE GARDENS - AFTERNOON - WALKING TOM: Now it's the gardens of Baba Yaga . . . > Bruce, Alfred, Dick, and Barbara tour. MIKE: Live with Motorhead, The Pet Shop Boys, and the Moody Blues! > > BARBARA > How long has it been, Uncle Alfred? CROW: That's an awful damn personal question! > > ALFRED > Ten years. > (to Bruce) > Barbara isn't really me niece, sir. TOM : She's my nephew. I'm afraid there's quite a bit of explaining involved there, sir. > She's Joanna Clark's daughter. > > BRUCE > Of course. Alfred still keeps your > mother's picture in his room. CROW: Taped on an inflatable dummy. > > DICK > Anybody want to tell us kids in the > cheap seats who Joanna Clark is? > > ALFRED > Joanna and I were in love in London. > But when I realized our age difference > was too extreme - MIKE: She was five, I was forty . . . CROW: He works for Roman Polanski. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred left for America. Much > to my mother's dismay - > > ALFRED > Eventually she married a young > physician. TOM: Who cured her of the syphilis I gave her! > >166 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE - STABLES - WALKING - CONTINUOUS TOM: More walking stables. MIKE: Baba Yaga gets around! > > DICK > Al's main squeeze. Is she here? > (off everyone's looks) > I'm about to scrape the bottom of my > shoe off my tongue, right? TOM : Not now, not in front of Barbara! > > BARBARA > My parents were killed in an auto > accident ten years ago. Alfred has > been supporting me ever since. > > BRUCE > You have? TOM : I pretend to be a bra, sir. > > ALFRED > Secrets are a virtual prerequisite > in this house, don't you think? TOM : Not like that nice Kent couple, they'd never keep anything from anybody. And that Wally West boy, so nice, and Kyle, why he's as nice as that charming John Jones fellow! > > BARBARA > I'm on break from- > > BRUCE > Oxbridge Academy? > > BARBARA > Their new computer sciences > division. How did you know? > > BRUCE > I recognized the accent. CROW: So every college has its own accent now? > >167 They have come to the garage. A motorcycle sits out > front. TOM: Most people just have lawn gnomes, Bruce. > > BARBARA > What is it? It's beautiful. > > The way the sun catches Barbara, she looks like an angel. TOM: Specifically, Zauriel. > > DICK > You can say that again. > (catching himself) CROW: Oh, he does that a lot. > > It's a competition racer I've been > fixing up. Maybe one day I'll show > you how to ride. MIKE: It's the only thing remotely close to continuity in this series of films, so we're quite proud of it. > ALFRED > You certainly will not. TOM : You will not ride the continuity, Mr. Grayson! > > BARBARA > Oh no, those things frighten me. MIKE: And so does the motorcycle . . . > > BRUCE > Well, I hope you'll stay with us. > > ALFRED > There's a lovely inn just down -- CROW: My pants! Whoops! Sorry! > > BARBARA > All this luxury really isn't my > style but- > (still eyeing the bike) > I'd love to stay. > > BRUE > Then it's settled. > > ALFRED > Oh, but, sir. So much goes on- > > BRUCE > Don't be silly, Alfred. > After all, she's family. TOM: Too late for that, everything went goofy with the skyboarding sequence in scene 81. > >168/69 OMITTED > >170 EXT. GOTHAM AIRPORT - TARMAC _ NIGHT > > A vintage DC-3 steams on the runway. Pilots descend the > gangway. TOM: Steam powered? That IS vintage! > > Pamela Isley, dressed as a grieving window, supervises the > LUGGAGE HANDLERS' debarkation of a coffin. An immense > coffin. CROW: A bright, big, shiny, candy-like coffin! > > PAMELA > Be gentle. He's always been touchy. > > HANDLER > Whatever you say, lady. > > Pam watches the Handlers carry the coffin away. She turns, > walks off across the tarmac. > >171 FAVOR THE BAGGAGE HANDLERS TOM: Cause they've only got one scene. > as they bear the coffin to the > terminal. > > HANDLER > (imitating Pam) > He's always been touchy. Right. > >172 A GIANT FIST CRASHES through the splintering lid. The > Handlers drop the coffin as a figure emerges. TOM: George Romero's Evil and Annoying Dead! > Bane, > wearing his full costume, his injector pack strapped to > his back. > > Bane lifts a Handler, begins swinging him like a baseball > bat, sending the other Handlers flying. CROW: Oh, HE'S Batman(tm) now! > >173 EXT. AIRPORT - TARMAC > > A LIMOUSINE sits at the edge of the runway. A lone > BUSINESSMAN approaches the waiting car. The DRIVER smiles, > opens the door. he Businessman climbs in to find... > >174 INT. LIMO - NIGHT > > Pam sits sprawled on the back seat, showing no small bit > of leg. TOM : She's a saucy bit o' crumpet, ain't she! > > BUSINESSMAN > There must be some mistake -- MIKE: Funny, I was thinking the same thing . . . > > PAMELA > Silly darling, there's no need to > pretend in front of the driver. > > She grabs his face kisses him passionately. She lets go, > the Businessman slumps to the seat. Dead. TOM: Darn! The one character without snappy one liners or moronic innuendo in his dialog is dead. > > PAMELA > Love hurts. In my case it kills. CROW: You can take penicillin for that. > >175 THE REARVIEW MIRROR MIKE: With Christopher Reeve. > >176 The limo driver watches on. Suddenly a hand reaches in > SNAPPING his neck, drags out his body. Bane climbs into > the driver's seat. > > PAMELA > Once around the park. > >177 INT. ALFRED'S ROOM > > The door is ajar. CROW: I'll just leave this one alone. > (OVER) a gentle KNOCK. Barbara pushes > inside, wearing a long terry robe. CROW: Lucky Terry! > > The room is empty. She notices a pile of envelopes on the > desk. TOM: You may already be a winner! > > ENVELOPES - CLOSE. All addressed to Wilfred Pennyworth. > Royal Court of Mirajanpore. All stamped RETURN TO SENDER. ALL : Return to sender! > > ALFRED (OVER) > I didn't know sneaking around was on > the curriculum at Oxbridge. > > Barbara starts, TOM: Barbara revs, Barbara roars! > turns. Alfred steps from the shadows in > his robe. TOM: So Alfred is now nude but the shadows are fully clothed. > > BARBARA > I'm sorry, Uncle, I came to tuck you > in. And... ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! > > ALFRED > You came to tuck me in. That's quite > a switch. TOM : But so am I. > (off the envelopes) > I am looking for my brother, Wilfred. > He is first butler to the Maharajah > of Mirajanpore. But Mirajanpore is a > floating court, it travels across > India, so Wilfred can be rather > difficult to find. MIKE: Despite the fact that the NWO but a computer chip in his right buttock. > >178 Alfred TAPS his computer keyboard. MIKE: Damn it, Windows 95 locked up again! > >179 SCREEN - CLOSE. Full motion images of a resplendent royal > court, carried entirely on the back of elephants. > > BARBARA (OVER) > I guess they don't have fax machines > on elephants. > > ALFRED > I have been trying to reach Wilfred > with no success. As one grows older, > one years for family. CROW: With a lower-case 'f'. I've had PLENTY of the upper-case kind around here, I can tell you! > > BARBARA > (she smiles) > It's good to see you again, Uncle. > I've missed you. TOM: But my aim is improving. > > ALFRED > As I've missed you. > (kissing her head) > Sleep well, child. > > Barbara heads out, closing the door behind her. MIKE: Alfred takes a cold shower. > >180 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS > > Barbara walks to her room. She pauses, waiting for the > light under Alfred's door to go out. Then she disappears > inside. > >181 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS > > Barbara whips off her robe. ALL: Yes!!! > Underneath, a tight black > leather motorcycle outfit. ALL: Horay!!!! CROW: This is now a GREAT script! > She begins pulling on sleek > black boots. TOM: Put it on! Put it on! > >182 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT _ CONTINUOUS > > A knotted climbing rope tumbles out of one of the windows. TOM : Dick, get that back and put your gag back in! > A figure expertly descends into the courtyard below. > Turns, face now visible in the moonlight. Barbara. > >183 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS > > Kids collect Matchbox and Corgi. Billionaires collect the > real thing. Barbara ENTERS, cloaked in the shadows, moves > stealthfully past the myriad cards until she comes to the > row of motorcycles. TOM : Straight boys and dykes have all the fun in these films. MIKE AND CROW > > She stops at a sleek competition bike, climbs on, pulling a > racing helmet from her back-pack, expertly kick-starts the > ENGINE. TOM: This may be the wrong time to bring this up, but does Brucie-poo and the Boy Blunder have ANY form of security here at Stately Wayne Manor? >184 Barbara rides out through the open garage into the > night. CROW: Freudian symbolism or plot device? You be the judge. > >185 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT > > Freeze is standing at his computerized work-station, > entering data into the keyboard. MIKE: I bet if he entered the data into the COMPUTER he'd have cured his wife by now. > > FREEZE > Maybe this time, this new formula, > will return you to me. > > Freeze hits a switch. A beat. Then an ALERT panel flashes a > simple message: TEST FAILURE. MIKE: You are pregnant! > Freeze SLAMS the console with > his fist. TOM: It is now safe to turn your computer off. > > FOLLOW FREEZE as he rises, walks through the open door > into... CROW: If he'd gotten his Pentium chip replaced, he'd have solved the problem. > >185A INT. FREEZE'S VALUT - NIGHT > > Freeze stares up at his wife in her frozen sarcophagus, > fighting back the tears. TOM: I'm sorry, honey, I know this movie is terrible, but they offered me SO much money . . . > > FREEZE > No cure tonight, my love. Forgive > me. But soon, I promise you. Soon. > >186 INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY > > Morning. Bane drives. MIKE: Us crazy. > Ivy sits in the back seat, CROW: Also driving us crazy! > applying > brown contact lenses, donning a dark wig. Pamela Isley > once more. > > PAMELA > (to the Charlie jingle) > Kind of Hip, kind of Wow, Ivy. Kind > of Free, kind of Now, Ivy. CROW: Kind of bad, kind of sad. TOM AND MIKE: Ivy(tm)! > >187 EXT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - DAY _ESTABLISHING CROW: It's day. MIKE: I've established already that this observatory is gonna be some kind of plot device. > > A stone and copper observatory in the process of being > restored, set atop the banks above the Gotham River and > the city beyond. > >188 INT. OBSERVATORY > > An immense circular hall under construction. Within, a > partially installed telescope. Bruce stands flanked by > his stunningly beautiful date (JULIE MADISON) TOM: And his stunningly beautiful date Dick Grayson! > , a SCIENTIST > and his ASSOCIATE, all on a podium backed by blueprints, > facing the PRESS. > > BRUCE > My father once told me that to > succeed we need only pick our CROW: Noses. > > star and follow it. And so Wayne > Enterprises TOM AND CROW: Wayne Enterprises! Wayne Enterprises! Donate On! Excellent! > is donating the world's > most advanced telescope to Gotham's > Observatory Restoration Project. MIKE: G.O.R.P.? > Perhaps this telescope will give > future generations a chance to > find their own stars. CROW: As long as they're not George Clooney or Val Kilmer. > > GOSSIP GERTY > Brucy, is it true this new telescope > can see all around the globe? > > SCIENTIST > Yes, if you'll watch the monitors - TOM: Feels like the laws of physics are about to be mugged. > >189 A MONITOR BANK - CLOSE. A graphic of the earth. > Equidistant satellites in geosyncronous orbit are > highlighted. CROW: Plot point! Plot point! > > SCIENTIST > Satellites already in orbit allow us > to reflect light around the planet. > > ON SCREEN - A graphic ray of light CROW: This light is rated TV-M! > is reflected from a > satellite over Australia, to a satellite over the U.S., > and then beamed to a graphic of the Gotham-based telescope. > > ASSOCIATE > From here we'll be able to see the > sky anywhere on earth. MIKE : My God, it's a gigantic plot device disguised as an observatory. > > BRUCE > Just don't point it at my bedroom. ALL: > > GOSSIP GERTY > Brucy, you and the exquisite Julie > Madison have been going out forever. > Are you planning to tie the knot? TOM: No, handcuffs work just fine! Oh . . . > > BRUCE > Get married? me? No... MIKE: Not to anyone psychologically healthy OR female. > > JULIE > No!? > > BRUCE > Umm. What I mean is...no plans at > the moment... > > JULIE > But soon... > > GERTY > Soon? > > BRUCE > Ah...Sooner or later...all > relationships evolve and... > > JULIE > And? TOM : I live in a cave with a nubile, acrobatic teenage boy, OK! I admit it! Now get out of my hair! > > BRUCE > (to Julie) > Can I get some help over here? CROW: Too late for that. > > Julie smiles, turns to the PRESS. the very picture of > composure. > > JULIE > Bruce and I are lucky enough to be > recklessly in love. TOM: With Dick Grayson. > > And that is > most certainly enough for us. > (to Bruce) > For now. > > FOLKS LAUGH, charmed. > CROW: AUDIENCE LEAVES, revolted. > > SCIENTIST > Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll > show you the central control grid... > > The Scientist and Associate tour Julie MIKE: Woah! TOM: I don't think the author meant it to sound like that. MIKE: It's a shame when your mistakes are more interesting than your script. > and the Press around > the telescope, leaving Bruce to confer with two of his Aides. MIKE: No one say ANYTHING. > GUARD (OVER) > Mr. Wayne? > >190 WIDER > Pam, hair in a bun, TOM: Feet in special sauce. > face behind glasses, CROW: Ah, the Kent maneuver! > cloaked in a > frumpy suit, MIKE: Or suited in a frumpy cloak. > is standing behind two door GUARDS. > > GUARD > She doesn't have a pass, sir. > > BRUCE smiles, waves off the guards with a gesture. > > BRUCE > They're overly protective. You're > Not going to hurt me are you, Ms... CROW: Hurst. > > PAMELA > Dr. Pamela Isley. > > BRUCE > What can I do for you, Doctor? A > research grant? A hospital wing? MIKE: A guest appearance on ER with a certain sloe-eyed someone? > > PAMELA > Actually, I already work for you. > Or did. Your arboreal preservation > project in South America. TOM : Uh, did you . . . preserver . . . arboreal? > > BRUCE > We cut our support. A conflict of > ideologies. Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic. > > PAMELA > I see you knew him. TOM : Only biblically. > > BRUCE > That lab was consumed by fire last > week. how did you manage to escape? > > PAMELA > I have here a proposal showing how > Wayne Enterprises can immediately > cease all actions that toxify our > environment. TOM : Like this script. > > Bruce takes the proposal, scans it. Pam's eyes shine > despotic. CROW: Kind of despotic, kind of erotic. Ivy(tm). MIKE: Crow. Stop. > > PAMELA > Forget the stars. Look here, at the > Earth, our mother, our womb. She > deserves our loyalty and protection. > And yet you spoil her lands, poison > her oceans, blacken her skies. > You're killing her. TOM: Kinda makes you feel guilty for helping the apes nuke her, huh Mike? MIKE: Thanks Tom, thanks a lot. > > BRUCE > Your intentions are noble, but no > diesel fuel for heat. No coolants to > preserve food. Millions would die of > cold and hunger alone. CROW: We'll call it the Contract With America! > > PAMELA > Acceptable losses in a battle to save > the planet. > > BRUCE > People come first, Dr. Isley. TOM: So screw you nature! > >191 The tour has returned. Pam turns to the Press. > Begins to soapbox. MIKE: Another noun tragically mutated into a verb. I mourn you, soapbox. > > PAMELA > Mammals. So smug in your towers of > stone and glass. A day of reckoning > is coming. CROW: Duck! She's Shatnering! > The same plants and > flowers that saw you crawl blind > from the primordial soup will > reclaim this planet. Earth will > be a garden again. Somehow, some > way, I will bring your man-made > civilization to its knees and TOM: Make it bark like a dog. > > there will be no one to protect you. > > Pam's tirade is so extreme, folks around her LAUGH. MIKE: It's a real shame when your characters laugh at your writing. > > GOSSIP GERTY > You must be new in town. In Gotham > City, Batman and Robin protect us. > Even from plants and flowers. CROW: They like to press them and save them! > > BRUCE > Perhaps you'd like to meet them. > > Bruce nods and an Aide hands Pam an invitation. > >192 INVIATION - CLOSE. Batman and Robin to appear at the > Flower Ball. TOM: Down at the Blue Oyster! > > BRUCE > The caped crusaders are helping us > auction off a prized diamond to > raise money for the Gotham Botanical > Gardens. Just a few mammals doing > what we can for our world's plants. CROW: And so Mr. Freeze(tm) can steal it . . . whoops! > > GOSSIP GERTY > So, Brucy, will the delicious Ms. Madison > be your date for the flower ball tonight? TOM: The way she talks about Julie makes me wonder about Gossip Gerty here . . . > > PAMELA > Tell me, billionaire, would you warm > faster to my pleas if I looked more > like Ms. January here? > > BRUCE > Although the Wayne Foundation is > hosting the event, sadly I will be > unable to attend. Thank you all. > (to Pam) > Good day, Doctor. > > Pam watches him go, trailed by press. MIKE: Geez, he's got to weight-train more . . . > Peers at her invitation. > > PAMLA > Batman and Robin. Militant arm of > the warm-blooded oppressors. Animal > protectors of the status quo. First > I'll rid myself of the fur and > feathered pests. And then Gotham > will be mine for the greening. > >193 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > >194 Nora and Victor Fries kiss at their wedding altar. The >195 video images change to show the couple playing with a >196 puppy. Nora LAUGHS as her husband crowds beside her. TOM: Eating the puppy. > He > EXITS frame, hands her something. MIKE: The remains of the puppy. > > NORA > Oh, Victor, it's beautiful. > > Nora holds her snow-flake necklace up for the camera. > Places it around her neck, smiling up tot he warm summer > sun. > >197 PULL BACK TO REVEAL > > Freeze sits watching the images on his screen. TOM : Why are two robots and a man always in the lower right corner? > > FROSTY (OVER) > 'Scuse me, chief. I got something > her you might want to see. TOM : Zip it up, Frosty, it wasn't funny the last time. > >198 Frosty stands in the door, newspaper in hand. Without > shifting his gaze, Freeze lifts his freezing gun, FIRES. > Frosty Freezes. > > FREEZE > I hate it when people talk during > the movie. TOM: This is insidious! Next he'll suggest people head for the refreshment stand. > >199 Freeze continues staring at the screen. Finally the happy > images are just too much for him. He FIRES his gun at the > screen, the picture EXPLODING into flying shards of light. > > FREEZE > One more diamond, my love. One more. MIKE: But, sadly, Frosty can't hear him . . . > >200 Freeze rises. he breaks off the cover of the frozen paper >201 in Frosty's hand. PAPER-CLOSE. Wayne Donates Diamond to > Flower Ball. > >202 EXT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - NIGHT CROW: What happened to Frosty? He was the most richly developed character! > > An immense glass greenhouse set atop the roof of a mighty > skyscraper. Elegant guests mill admist the stars. > >203 INT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - GREENHOUSE - NIGHT MIKE: Nice to see it's still night. > > A hanging banner reads GOTHAM CHARITY FLOWER BALL. A > GIANT BEAST MASK covers the entrance. TOM: A giant Belle mask covers the exit. > DRUMMERS STOMP on > congo drums. GUESTS dress as flowers. TWO COSTUMED > GORILLAS romp about the room. MIKE: Bruce's fantasies are leaking out all over the place. TOM: Me Tarzan. You also Tarzan. > >203A Batman and Robin stand by the stage. > > ROBIN > You think Freeze will take the bait? ? > BATMAN > He'll be here. MIKE: H was courteous enough to send an RSVP. > >203B ATOP THE STAIRS. The two Gorillas have converged on the > DRUMMERS. One begins dancing around, covertly KNOCKING > the drummers unconscious with his paws. CROW: What? TOM: How do you knock someone out covertly? > >204 ON STAGE. The MC walks out, followed by Gossip Gerty. > > MC > Ladies and Gentlemen. Gossip Gerty > of Good Morning Gotham and I welcome > you to the gem of our evening. MIKE: More pointless puns! > >204 Two armed guards emerge bearing a palette upon which > hangs a silver necklace supporting a perfect, grapefruit > sized diamond. MIKE: Grapefruit sized diamond? Only Anna Nicole Smith could wear that! > > GOSSIP GERTY > The famed Heart of Isis, CROW: Oh, Mighty Isis . . . > on loan > from the Collection of my close, > personal friend Bruce Wayne. TOM: THAT'S why he didn't want the telescope turned on his bedroom! > > The MC gestures and several woman step forward dressed as > flowers, each more strikingly gorgeous than the next. > > MC > Tonight, on auction, an opportunity > to dine with one of our fabulous > flowers, the famed diamond draped > around her neck. MIKE: Dragging her head into the soup . . . > > GOSSIP GERTY > Ooo, look at all these luscious > lovelies. let's start the bidding. TOM: I wonder how deep GERTY'S closet is. > > MAN #1 > Ten thousand for Chrysanthemum. > > MAN #2 > Twenty thousand for Lilac. > > MAN #3 > Thirty thousand for Rose. CROW: Axel Rose? > > GOSSIP GERTY > Boys, please. Show some gusto. TOM: And grab your gusto. > >205 THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. ONE GORILLA begins to BEAT the > drums. The other removes her paw mitts. Her gorilla's > head. TOM: Donkey Kong as you've never seen him before! > From within her gorilla costume, steps a vision. MIKE: From Marvel comics. > Skin tight green costume made of leaves. Green boots and > mask. magenta hair. Glowing green eyes. TOM: Wow, these Tori Amos videos are getting weirder and weirder... > Meet POISON IVY, > simply the most beautiful woman known to man. > >205A ROBIN-CLOSE. Smiles. MIKE: I'd look GREAT in that! > > ROBIN > Gorilla my dreams. TOM: Oh, God . . . > >206 Ivy lifts her green gloved hands, both filled with piles > of sparkling dust, blows the powder over the startled > patrons. MIKE: Is it wrong to envy powder, guys? CROW: Not in this case, Mike. > >207 FOLLOW THE DUST as it spins out in fairy-like spirals, TOM: Spirals that resemble Mr. Humphreys! > curling through the crowd. > >208 THE CROWD - VARIOUS SHOTS. MIKE: Bang! Bang! Got them all! > Folks blink their eyes, > suddenly bewitched, as Ivy tilts backwards, falling into > the arms of several jungle clad men on the ballroom floor. > >209 IVY saunters over a bridge made of the backs of kneeling > men, through the parting crowd, towards Batman and Robin. TOM: How did the writer single-handedly combine the fantasies of K.D. Lang and Madonna at the same time? > > IVY > Hi there. > > MC > (sputtering) ALL: Eeeeewwwwwwww! > And you are... > > IVY > Poison. Poison Ivy. MIKE: Bong. James Bong. > >210 BATMAN - CLOSE. Dazed. Like a man who's drunk a quart of > love potion. He takes her hand. > > IVY > Why not send junior to bed early, I > could come and take your measurements? CROW: Whooops! Too small! Throw it back! > > Ivy turns now to Robin, offers the other hand. She blows > another volley of dust into Robin's face. > > IVY > On the other hand, youth does have > its advantages. Endurance. Stamina. MIKE: The ability to know where all the Pearl Jam concerts are. > >211 ROBIN - CLOSE. Also suddenly smitten, perhaps eve > harder. ALL > > IVY > Why settle for second place? Robin > is a sidekick, a junior partner. If > we were a team, you'd be the star. > Forget the geriatric bat. Come, join > me, my garden needs tending. TOM: Get out a weed wacker! CROW: At least we know where the garden 'ho is . . . > > The two help her up onto stage. She turns to the > mesmerized MC. > > IVY > I'll take it from here, pal. > > Ivy lifts the diamond, places it around her neck. MIKE: She's slammed to the floor by the weight and knocked unconscious. > > IVY > Some lucky boy's about to hit the > honey pot. MIKE : Quickly, Piglet, give me your money! > I'll include an evening > of my company for the winner. I'll > bring everything you see here. Plus > everything you don't. > (off Batman and Robin) > And I'll bring my imagination. CROW: Unlike the writer. > > MAN #1 > 50 thousand for Poison Ivy - - > > MAN #2 > 100 thousand for Poison Ivy - - > > BATMAN > One million - - > > ROBIN > (sotto voce) > You own it. > (loud) > Two million - - > > The two lock eyes. TOM: They kiss. > > BATMAN > (sotto voce) > You don't have two million. > (loud) > Three million - - > > ROBIN > (sotto voce) > I'll borrow it from you. > (loud) > Four million - - > > IVY > You two boys aren't going to fight > over little old me, are you? MIKE: If I remember Uma Thurman, we are not talking little. > > Batman reaches to his utility belt, CROW: Eeeeeeeeeww! > draws a batarang. CROW: Whew! > > BATMAN > Five million - - > > Robin reaches to his utility belt, pulls a throwing bird. > > ROBIN > Six million - - MIKE: It's the six million dollar supervillain! > > GOSSIP GERTY CROW: Eight million! > Is it getting nippy in here? > >212 THE TEETH of the giant mask EXPLOSE as Freeze's truck >213 SMASHES into the room from an elevated bridge beyond. >214 Standing atop the vehicle, backed by swirling mists, > Freeze, his Icemen following behind. > > FREEZE > (drawing his gun) > Did I use the wrong door again? > >215 Batman hurls his batarang, knocking Freeze's pistol free. TOM: Run! Be free little pistol! > Batman and Robin race forward, engulfed by the rushing > force of Icemen. > > HIS PISTOL flies into the hands of one of the Guests. A THUG > rams the Guest from behind, the gun bouncing into the air. > >215A A swarm of armed SECURITY GUARDS and GUESTS swamp Freeze. TOM: Freeze taps them for one black manna. > >215B FREEZE > When technology fails... MIKE: Read the manual? TOM: Hit F1? CROW: Call the help line? > brute force. MIKE: Oh, Schwarzenegger does that. > >215C FREEZE moves like lightning, SMASHING guards with mighty > punches, WHIPPING guests flying across the room. CROW: Who thank him! > > FREEZE'S PISTOL bounces from Guest, to Thug, to Guest like > a wildly fumbled TOM: Plot. > football, a Thug finally tipping the soar- > ing gun back towards Freeze. CROW: Freeze(tm) losing his gun is not so much a running joke as a lurching one. > >215D FREEZE > Alright, everyone, chill! CROW: We've waited all episode for a cold joke, and now . . . another one. > >216 Freeze FIRES, turning a few guests and several exotic > flower arrangements into ice. > > FREEZE > I should have been a decorator. CROW: Then he could stay with Batman(tm) and Robin(tm). > >217 Freeze starts for the stage. > >218 BATMAN and ROBIN are in mid-melee, fighting off an army > of Icemen. > >219 Batman SMASHES one Thug three times in the chin. MIKE : Smash three times on the chin if you waaaant me! > >220 Robin does a spinning side kick to another approaching CROW: A sidekick doing a sidekick! > villain, then ducks, sending one villain crashing into > another. > >221 Batman grabs a Thug, throws him to Robin, who punches > him back to Batman who punches him back to Robin. MIKE: Now it's like a Hercules episode! > >222 Both punch him simultaneously, the Thug flying back > through the air. They begin fighting their way towards > the stage. > >223 FREEZE climbs onto the stage to face Poison Ivy. > > FREEZE > Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? > Ms. Moss? CROW: Kate Moss? > > IVY > Listen, Captain Cold, CROW: That's ANOTHER character! > the suit, maybe, > even though silver went out in the > 70's. But those boots are unforgivable. MIKE: Even SHE notices the neutronium boots. > What is it with men? MIKE: Sister, at this point even I don't know. > > FREEZE > I'd love to stand here all day and > exchange fashion tips but I'm kind > of pressed for time. So hand over > the diamond, Garden Gal, or I turn > you into mulch. > > Ivy pulls a handful of dust from her belt-pouch, blows it > towards him. The dust swirls around his helmet. Ivy > frowns. TOM : Damn! That was my headache powder! > > > FREEZE > Pheromone dust. Designed to heat a > man's blood. Doesn't work on the > cold hearted. Now, if you please... TOM : Give me some more scenes. > > Freeze extends his gloved hand. > > IVY > Well, if you insist. > > Ivy hands him the diamond. > > FREEZE > Clever little clover. > >224 Just then one of the Thugs flies across the room, > SHASHING into the back of the stage. > > FREEZE > That's my exit cue. MIKE: So, he told one of his thugs to get beaten up when it's time to leave. > > FREEZE races for his truck. > >225 BATMAN and ROBIN dispatch the last Iceman, make for the > stage. > > BATMAN > (to Gordon) > You have eleven minutes to thaw those > guests, Commissioner. > >226 Batman and Robin race after the escaping Freeze and his > men. > >227 Ivy stares after them. She lifts a small souvenir. A tiny > glass globe that says Welcome To Gotham. TOM: So Freeze(tm) makes money part-time working for the Gotham(tm) Tourist Bureau? > Shakes the > bauble, the tiny city within suddenly covered by snow. MIKE: Then it explodes. Hilarity ensues. > Gordon appears behind her. > > GORDON > Miss Ivy, you've just met one of > the most sinister men in Gotham. MIKE: Batman(tm). > > IVY > That's no man. That's a God! CROW: It's Schwarzenegger! > > Gordon moves off as the second Gorilla TOM: Carrying a second banana! > arrives on stage, > removes his mask. Bane. > > IVY > Enough monkey business. We've got > work to do. MIKE: I want the script writer severely beaten! > >228 EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT > > A GIANT STATUE stands amidst Gotham's sky-scrapers. > CLOSER. > > Freeze in his Ice Truck, two Crony Trucks behind him, MIKE: Even his truck has cronies! > race up the interconnecting bridges that crisscross > Gotham's skyline. > >229 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > FREEZE - POV. Gothamites veer their cars off the roadway in > his path as Freeze spots the statue. He reaches for his > dashboard. TOM: He pulls his smokes out of the glove compartment! > > Freeze hits a flashing gun-shaped button on the dash. MIKE: His vehicle has international symbols? > >230 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > A giant freeze-gun atop the truck FIRES. > >231 EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT > > THE STATUE'S HEAD - CLOSE. Freezes, the neck of the giant > figure EXPLODING in a storm of ice. > >232 FREEZE'S TRUCK swerves off the road, leaping through the > hole in the statue's neck and racing onto its shoulder. > His Crony trucks follow, all racing away down the statue's > arm. MIKE I am so indifferent and numb by now. > >233 THE BATMOBILE AND THE REDBIRD follow in close pursuit, > BLOWING through the hole in the statue's neck. > >234 INT. BATMOBILE > > BATMAN - POV. The Freeze vehicles are heading towards the > hand of the statue. Batman hits a button. CROW: Bad button! Bad button! > >235 MONITOR - CLOSE. Flashing schematics of the various > trajectories of the Freeze vehicles and their imminent > jumps from the hand, over the abyss of the city, to the > lower rooftops beyond. > > BATMAN > Pull back. You can't make the jump. CROW: You might show me up and catch Freeze(tm)! > >236 EXT. REDBIRD > > ROBIN > I can make it. > >237 EXT. STATUE'S ARM > > The Batmobile is shooting down the arm, the Redbird close > behind CROW: The arm is shooting up while they're shooting down! > >238 BATMAN > Pull back. > > ROBIN > I can make it. MIKE: If you close your eyes and listen to this it sounds even worse . . > > Robin SHOOTS a wheelie, overtaking the Batmobile. > >239 INT. BATMOBILE > > BATMAN > Redbird control codes. > >240 MONITOR - CLOSE. Schematics for the Redbird flash. > > BATMAN > Disable engine. MIKE: Robin(tm) careens off the statue to his death . . . > >241 EXT. REDBIRD - NIGHT > > Robin's engine warning-light goes on. The motor begins to > DIE. The abyiss is coming up fast. Robin side-grounds the > bike, SKIDDING. > >242 EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT > > Freeze and his cronies split towards the separate fingers. TOM: I wonder who's running down the middle finger. > >243 SUPER-THRUSTERS fire and Freeze's truck clears the jump, > landing on the sloping roof on the other side of the > abyss. > >244 His Crony Trucks follow, taking different fingers, flying > into the air towards the rooftops beyond. Not high enough. TOM: I wish I was high enough . . . > >245 OMITTED CROW: Thanks! > >246 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS - NIGHT > > One Crony truck BLOWS into an elevated billboard, the other > EXPLODING into the opposing building. TOM: Freeze(tm) lets his thugs die by the truckloads, there's always more where that came from! > >246A EXT. ROOFTOPS > > Freeze's truck hits the roof, breaks SCREECHING, spinning > 180 degrees, his freeze gun now pointing back over the abyss. > >247 EXT. STATUE'S HAND > > The Redbird slides dangerously close to the end of the > finger and the abyss below, finally coming to a halt as >248 the Batmobile ROCKETS its engine and roars past, flying > over the chasm. > >249 ROBIN stands on the fingertip, SHOUTING his rage into > the night. CROW: Exposing another finger. > >250 EXT. ROOFTOPS ABYSS CROW: You guys think there could possibly be an abyss? TOM: Yeah. MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Good. Just checking. > > The Batmobile soars over the abyss towards Freeze's truck. > >251 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > FREEZE > It's a cold town. MIKE: So why not have a hot time in it? > > Freeze hits the flashing gun-shaped button on the dash. > >252 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > > The freeze-gun FIRES its deadly blast, hitting the > Batmobile. > >252A EXT. STATUE'S HAND - NIGHT > > Robin watches as the flying Batmobile begins to ice over > from Freeze's cryonic blast. > >253 OMITTED TOM: Good. > >254 INT. BATMOBILE > > The controls are frozen. CROW: So is the actor! > A monitor flashes: SYSTEMS > FAILURE. MIKE: Oh no, the Batmobile GPFed! > >255 BATMAN - POV. The windscreen is covering with ice. > >256 OMITTED CROW: Good. Good. At this rate, let's try omitting the REST OF THE SCRIPT! > >257 EXT. ROOFTOP ABYSS > > The Batmobile is falling across the abyss like frozen > sculpture. Suddenly the windscreen EXPLODES as Batman is > catapulted through the glass like a torpedo, TOM: And killed instantly . . . > flying into > the air high above the busy city. > >257A EXT. LOWER ROOFTOPS > > The frozen Batmobile drops to the safety of the rooftops on > the other side of the abyss. CROW: Killing innocent vagrants! > >258 EXT. NIGHT SKY > > Batman flips, angling down, WHIPPING his cape open like > the wings of a giant dark angel, riding the urban winds > in a racing glide towards Freeze's truck below. > >259 OMITTED MIKE: That's it! Keep 'em not coming! > >260 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT > >261 THE SHADOW OF THE BAT falls over the open cab of Freeze's > truck. > > FREEZE > Uh-oh. > >262 FREEZE - POV. Batman, cape extended, soars directly over > the cab. CROW: Into a wall and dies! > >263 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > Batman SMASHES through the glass driver's dome, wrenching > Freeze out of the cab, and soaring towards... > >264-266 OMITTED > >267 EXT. LOWER ROOFTOP > > Batman lands standing in the moonlight, a stunned Freeze > rolling out of his cape, diamond still in hand. > > BATMAN > I'm putting you on ice. TOM : That's my line. > >268 OMITTED > >268A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT - VFX > > The moonlit mansion sits on its clifftop perch above the > river. PUSH IN TOM: PULL OUT. Repeat as necessary! > as a portion of the cliff BURNS AWAY TO > REVEAL... > >269 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Bruce and Dick argue. > > DICK > I could have made the jump. > > BATMAN > You could have splattered your > brains on the side of the building. CROW: But that wouldn't be noticed. > > DICK > This is no partnership. You're never > going to trust me. > > BATMAN > Trust you? You can't even keep > your head on the job. All you could > think about was Poison Ivy. TOM : A girl! > > DICK > You just can't stand that she > might have wanted me instead of > you; That's your idea of friendship, > isn't it, Bruce? You have to have > everything. Your house. Your rules. > Your way or the highway. It's > Batman and Robin not Robin and > Batman. I'm sick of it. > > Dick is right up in Bruce's face. MIKE: Just ignore that last line, guys. TOM: Say no more. > > BRUCE > Yes it's my rules. My rules that > keep us alive. And if you want to > stay in this house and on this > team then you'll abide by them. CROW: Or I'll take my costume and go home! > >270 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT > > Alfred is completing a cassette tape. TOM: Alfred and the Alfredtones, the new Speed Metal band! > > ALFRED > I have tried every address I > know for you. I am praying this > reaches you. We have very little > time. > > Alfred puts the tape in the envelope. (OVER) a KNOCK. > Bruce ENTERS. > > ALFRED > Congratulations on your > apprehension of Mr. Freeze. Batman > monopolized the evening news. MIKE: And set up hotels on it. > > BRUCE > Thanks. > > But the billionaire seems anything but celebratory. > > ALFRED > Is there something wrong, sir? CROW: By the time we got an answer, the film would be over. MIKE: Good! > > BRUCE > Alfred, am I pigheaded? Is it always > my way or the highway? > > ALFRED > Why, yes, actually. Death and chance > stole your parents. But rather than > become a victim, you have done > everything in your power to control > the fates. For what is Batman if > not an effort to master the chaos > that sweeps our world, an attempt > to control death itself. MIKE: What is some twisted freak in leather? TOM: And Mike wins! > >270A BRUCE - POV. Out the window, young Bruce and Alfred lay > wreaths on a windy grave. Alfred puts his arm around the > boy, holds him close. > >270B BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE > But I can't can I? > > ALFRED > No, my boy. I'm afraid none of us can. TOM: But we can dress up like lunatics and fight crime, at least. > >271 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT > > The competition bike's headlight goes out. > >272 WIDER > > Barbara walks the bike steahtlfully back into the garage. > >273 A HAND touches her shoulder. MIKE: Thing, leave her alone . . . > Barbara moves fast, flipping > the assailant over her shoulder in an expert judo move. > >274 She spins to face...Dick. Floored in every sense of the > word. > > Barbara's demeanor suddenly changes. All school girl > politeness. > > BARBARA > Oh. I'm so sorry. I'd just never > seen anything like it. So massive. > I took it out for a spin. I do so > hope I didn't inconvenience you. CROW: I do hope she's talking about the bike. > (off his look) > Ah yes, the outfit. For a...costume > party. Just trying it out. One never > knows how leather will wear. TOM : Oh, I know THAT. CROW: Don't worry, it'll ride up with wear! > (helping him up) > Judo lessons at school, you know. > All the rage, really. I suppose > they've taken better than I thought. > Again, my greatest of pardons. > > She's gone before Dick has a chance to speak. he stares > after her. All is not as it seems in Wayne Manor. ALL: Duh! > >275 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT TOM: So, it's still night. MIKE: Yep. Pretty much. > > Moonlight illuminates the familiar castle out of > nightmare. > >276 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM CORRIDOR > > Several ARMED GUARDS are rolling a giant CROW: Joint! > sub-zero refrig- > erator on a gurney, TOM: Get the refrigerator to sick bay, stat! > the door chained and padlocked shut. > Freeze is jammed inside, face visible through the torn off > freezer compartment door. > > HEAD GUARD MIKE: There's a specific rank. > You're the common cold. And we're > the cure. Welcome home, frost face. TOM: Ah, yes, Guard Chicken Soup and Guard Asprin. > > FREEZE > Allow me to break the ice. my name > is Freeze. Learn it well for it is > the chilling sound of your doom. TOM: Very scary coming from a man stuck in an Amana. > >277 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL - NIGHT > > Glowing rings on the floor and ceiling project a shimmer- > ing column of snowing cold within the center of the room. > > Two GUARDS dump a suitless Freeze ALL: Yuck! > out of his frigidaire > prison onto the floor, begin dragging him into the cold > field. > >278 Freeze throws off the Guards in a sudden fury, SHASHING > one in the head with closed fists, kicking the other in > the face. > >279 He rushes for the door. MIKE: Afraid it will attack him. > Mistake. As his body passes out > of the hypothermic field, he tumbles to his knees, his > skin turning gray as he begins to wither and die. > > GUARD (OVER) > Look at him stew. How do you like > your bad guy, medium or well done? MIKE: I'm a vegetarian. I like my bad guys vegetables. CROW: Like Poison Ivy(tm)? MIKE: Yes. Oh, yes. > >280 The Guards stand over him, Laughing as he crawls back > over the filed threshold. His color begin to return to > normal. > > GUARD #2 ALL: Electric Boogaloo! TOM: A joke beaten so far into the ground, it's reached China! > Get used to it. You're gonna be here > a very long time. > > Freeze looks up at the Guard who stands now at the wall > sink, washing his hands. A beat. Then Freeze smiles. > > FREEZE > I'm afraid not. You see the means > of my liberation is in your hands. > Sadly, you will not live to see it. TOM: Water and fingernail dirt is his liberation? MIKE: Let's not go there. > >281 EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY - NIGHT > > The entrance to an abandoned Turkish bath-house. Ivy and > Bane approach a boarded-up portal. CROW: Can someone confirm I am not hallucinating this. MIKE: No. TOM: No. CROW > > IVY > Batface and Birdbrain turned out to > be more resistant to my love dust > than expected. No matter, I'll give > them a stronger dose. next time, > they'll literally be dying for me. > >282 Bane SMASHES through the wooden boards with joined fists, TOM : Avon calling! > two by fours splintering like balsa. They disappear > inside. CROW: Er. His fists? > >283 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - NIGHT TOM: Next to the Blue Oyster. > > Abandoned. Mid-eastern furniture crumbles. Slaves and > sycophants cover the walls, weeping color. TOM: Weeping sores. > > IVY > A fixer-upper, yes. But with a > certain homey charm. CROW: Hey homey! > > That's when the shadows in the cave begin to move. One > slips across the doorway. More appear on all sides, > encroaching. TOM : If you go to the Turkish Bathouse, you will die . . . MIKE : You do that way too well. > > IVY > Ah, a minus. Current tenants. TOM: I'm noticing a lot of inhabited abandoned buildings here. > > One figure steps into a column of moonlight. Pale. The > toughest of urban predators. These are a gang of punks > called the GOLUMS. MIKE : What has she gots in her pocketses? > > GOLUM > Hello, pretty. > > IVY > Hello yourself. I love this place. I > hope it's priced to sell. > > GOLUM > We love you. You look good enough to > eat. ALL: We love you, you love me, we're a dysfunctional family.! > > IVY > Oh, that I am. Come and get me. > If you can. TOM: It's catch the greased Ivy(tm) . . . er . . . never mind. MIKE: No, go on . . . > > The Golums close in. IVY SLAMS the activation stud on > Bane's chest. MIKE: This stud's name is Hunk Manly. > >284 BANE - CLOSE. Venom is pumped from his backpack through > the tubes on his back into his skull. TOM: He lets his head inflate and makes it into balloon animals. > >285 The Golums attack. But Bane hurls them off like animals. > Kick and beats them, tossing them into walls, until the > survivors race away. MIKE: Translation - insert interesting fight here. > > IVY > For the strong, silent type, you are > most persuasive. Let's redecorate. > (crossing the baths) > First, the light is all wrong. TOM: No, it's made of photons, it's fine. > >286 Bane rips a hanging board from the ceiling, the old > wooden planks tumbling to the floor, sudden moonlight > streaming in from above. MIKE: Ah, sudden moonlight. Like hanging on fast. > > IVY > Also, what is this floor? TOM: It's a flat surface you stand on or put things on. CROW: It's not about the floor, Ivy(tm), it's about the gear! > >287 Bane stomps the floor, now revealing the dirt beneath. > > IVY > Au natural. MIKE: I'd like to see her that way. > Still, I've always > hankered for something on the water. TOM: In GOTHAM(tm)? Here, have a slice of the river! > >288 Bane SHASHES a water main with his foot, irrigating the > soil. > > IVY > Now a little color. It took God > seven days to create paradise. > > Ivy withdraws a handful of tiny seeds from Bane's satchel. ALL: Eeeeewwwww! > IVY > Let's see if I can do better. > >289 Ivy drops the tiny plants on the ground. They begin to > sprout into vines that spawn fast-budding flowers. > > Ivy lifts the Welcome to Gotham Bauble in her hand. TOM: So that's what she calls it. > > IVY > Bane, I've found a fellow who strikes > my fancy. A cool customer, yes. Icy > demeanor, no question. But I detect > a certain ruthless charm I may be > able to use to my advantage. > (off the dead thugs) TOM: It's Off the Dead Thugs with Stone Temple Pilots! > >290 INT. WAYNE MANOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT CROW: Does anything interesting ever happen in the day here? Do they have night? Does anyone CARE? > > Candlelit. A table set for two. Alfred fills Bruce's wine > goblet, walks away. His forehead beads with sweat. A man > hiding pain. TOM: Alfred, old buddy, don't carry the whole barrel! > >291 BRUCE - POV. Across the table sits Ivy. She licks her > lips. CROW: And then her eyebrows! > > IVY > Bruce? > > Bruce blinks. Looks again. Not Ivy at all but Julie. TOM: Your cruse director. > > JULIE > You're not even listening to me. MIKE: You're not that interesting. > > BRUCE > What? I'm sorry. You were saying... > > JULIE > We've been going out over a year MIKE: And you've been coming out for nearly as long. > now and...Okay, here goes. Bruce, > I want to spend my life with you. > > Ivy saunters up behind Bruce, runs her hands down his chest. > Bruce rises, CROW: I bet he does! > shaking off the vision. Goes over to Julie. TOM: Please wear something green! > > BRUCE > Julie, I'm not the marrying kind. > There are things about me you > wouldn't understand. > > JULIE > I know you're a dedicated bachelor. > That you've had a your wild nights. MIKE: Yeah, K-N-I-G-H-T-S CROW: And Princes, and Pages . . . > > BRUCE > Wild doesn't exactly cover it. TOM : I've got bite marks on my buttocks a decade old and they're my own teeth! MIKE : That was weird. > > JULIE > But there's nothing you've done > under the cover of darkness I > couldn't learn to understand. CROW: At least without a CAD program. > > BRUCE > I wouldn't bet on that. MIKE: Neither would we. > > JULIE > I'm betting on you. You'll make > someone a good husband one day. TOM: And his name is Dick. > But I can't wait around forever. > Don't answer now. Just think it > over TOM: Tilt! Ding! Ding! Ding! Tilt! > (leaning close) > Here's some food for thought. > > They kiss passionately. Bruce opens his eyes. He's kissing > Ivy. He recoils. MIKE: Ah! A girl! > But it's only Julie before him, looking > up, puzzled. > > JULIE > Who's Ivy? > > BRUCE > What? > > JULIE > You just called me Ivy. Who's Ivy? > > BRUCE > I wish I knew. CROW: Good cover, Bruce! > >292 INT. BATCAVE - ROBIN'S COSTUME VAULT - NIGHT TOM : I don't believe he's kissing a girl. MIKE: Night. Gotham(tm) is on Daylight Investment Time. > > (OVER) loud MUSIC. Various magazine covers of Robin. Dick > is at his computer terminal, staring at a monitor. CROW: I can't type very fast with one hand. > >293 MONITOR - CLOSE. A newsphoto of the flower ball > survivors. MIKE: Who will appear with Off the Thugs! > > DICK > Enhance detail, 14 to 19. > > A corner of the screen is highlighted, the IMAGE expands. > IVY. > > DICK > Who are you? TOM : I already know your name. Have you nothing of your own . . . MIKE: You are REALLY getting to good with those imitations. CROW: Ah, he just downloads wave files into his vocal banks. TOM: Party-pooper . . . > > (OVER) an ALARM SOUNDS. The screen suddenly changes to an TOM: Avocado. > IMAGE of Barbara climbing out of her window, rappelling down > an exterior wall. MIKE: Buttcam! > > COMPUTER > Alert! Unauthorized motion within > specified parameters. MIKE : Exterminate! Exterminate! TOM: Yes, the Dalek security system, when you absolutely, positively have to exterminate something. > > DICK > Got ya! > > Dick is up fast, CROW: Nuff said! > heading for the door. MIKE : Last thing I noticed, I was heading for the door . . . > >294 OMITTED > >295 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER > > Barbara has donned her leathers once again. MIKE: Whip me, beat me, make me work for Lex Luthor! > She mounts the > competition bike. Kick-starts the ENGINE, peeling out into > the night. CROW: Cigarette anyone? > > Dick rolls another racer out of hiding in the shadows. ALL: Go Dick Racer, go Dick Racer, go Dick Racer go! > Pulls on his racking helmet. He kicks his ENGINE and starts > after her. MIKE: It'd be better using the whole bike. TOM: Yeah, I guess he's just riding an engine with training wheels. > >296 EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY - NIGHT > > Groups of motorcycle gangs have gathered. TOM: Did you guys here what happened to the Golums? > Each is rep- > resented by a single racer. Leather clad. Costumed. Dyed > hair. Pierced faces. TOM: These aren't good gang names. > Boys and girls for whom speed is a > drug, CROW: Speed IS a drug! > the streets their home. > > Barbara pulls up her bike. A rider (BANKER) looks her up > and down. MIKE: Then up and down some more. Two hours later, the movie resumes. > > BARBARA > What's the entry fee? > > BANKER > Two-fifty. > > Barbara nods, hands the cash. Another biker (SPIKE) steps > forward. > > SPIKE > You got a handle? CROW: Yeah, I'm that easy to pick up. > > BARBARA > Folks call me Three-Jump. MIKE TOM: I don't even have the energy to comment. But if I did . . . MIKE: You'd say "Bruce, Dick, and Alfred," I know, I know. > > SPIKE > You're the babe won the tunnel run > two nights ago. That was trike > racing. TOM: And this film is TRIPE racing . . . > This is the big time. Maybe > you should ride my hog instead. > > Barbara smiles. > > BARBARA > How about a side bet? > > As Spike and Barbara move in line beside the other racers, > another helmeted racer emerges from the shadows to pay his > entry fee. His face hidden by his helmet, Barbara can't > see that it's Dick. MIKE: So Dick regularly carries $250.00 on his person? Or did he hit an ATM? > > The racers, all helmeted, are in their starting positions. > Engines are REVVED. Banker raises a pistol in the air and > FIRES. TOM: Hawkman, tragically wounded, plummets out of the sky . . . > >298 Bikers SHOOT into the street. TOM: Gunning down several innocents! > Some go over the tops of >299 cars, others across the tops of stoops. CROW: It's the Jackie Chan 2000! > Barbara watches > as a biker beside her careens into an EXPLODING pile of > trash cans. > >300 Two bikers are going neck and neck towards a racing >301 truck. They split at the last instant, fly up off parked >302 cars, then hit the ground, one SPINNING OUT, the other > taking a position at the front of the pack. MIKE: And bringing up the rear . . . ALL: Beetlebaum! > >303 Barbara, Spike, two others hold the lead, leaving the > rest in the dust. One of the bikers hits an oil skid, > flies into a FIREBALL. MIKE: And a lighting bolt! And a sleep spell! > >304 THE FINISH LINE is a series of flashing yellow warning > beacons atop the incomplete construction of a draw-bridge > in the near distance. TOM: Warning, plot is thin here. MIKE: Near distance? > > The race is down to three, Barbara, Spike and a third > biker, all racing now onto the bridge, riveted steel > beneath their wheels. > >305 THE FINISH LINE is coming up fast, and just beyond the > line of flashing cones, an abyss separating the two as yet > unconnected sides of the bridge. TOM: I notice abysses are pretty thick here in Gotham(tm). > The trick is to cross the > finish line first, but not so fast you can't brake before > going over the edge into the water below. > >306 Spike is trying to keep up. But he's coming up on the > finish line too fast for his taste. > > SPIKE > Crazy broad. TOM: He's talking to himself. > >307 He hits his BRAKES, slowing, falling out of position. > Barbara looks across to see the racer on the other side. > Barbara can't see his face, but it's Dick. ALL: Duh! > >308 The finish line is coming up fast. Instead of braking, > both GUN their ENGINES. TOM: Pow! Pow! > >309 THE FINISH LINE - CLOSE. Barbara flies over the line, > Dick a hair behind her, and then both shoot over the edge > of the unfinished bridge, into the air, soaring high above > the abyss. TOM: They gaze into the abyss, and the abyss gazes back into them also. > >310 Dick's front wheel hits the metal roadway on the other > side of the gap, spinning rubber catching steel. > >311 Barbara's front wheel hits the edge badly, rolling > backward. > >312 Dick spins over his shoulder, sees what's happening. MIKE: Ow! His shoulder stays in place and his BODY rotates? > Barbara's bike is losing purchase, CROW: Since it's a rental? > slipping backwards > over the edge. > >313 Dick ditches his still moving bike and helmet, TOM: Ow! > rolling > off on tucked shoulder, leaping towards the edge as > Barbara's bike finally slips, she and her hog tumbling > downwards into the abyss. > >314 Dick's jump sends him over the edge, hands extended, feet > catching the lip of the bridge, hand grabbing Barbara's > ankle, her bike plummeting beneath her as her helmet falls > into the water below. > >315 Dick hangs by one foot, holding a dangling Barbara by her > ankle. > > DICK > So, this is where you hang out. TOM: Let yourself go, Dick . . . > >316 EXT. GOTHAM BRIDGE - NIGHT > > Barbara stands in the b.g. receiving her winnings from > Banker and Spike. Dick rights his bike as she approaches. TOM: Get this, they're not going to tell us how they got up there. CROW: Of course not. > > BARBARA > I could have made it, you know. I > didn't need your help. > > DICK > Whatever you say, lady. It's all in > a day's work for me. TOM: But we have made it very clear that it's night. > > Barbara tries to hand Dick her winnings. > > BARBARA > This is to replace the bike I lost. > I'll get you the rest. > > DICK > Keep it. > > BARBARA > Of course, Dick Grayson, ward of > the fabulously wealthy Bruce Wayne. > Why would you need a few hundred > dollars? > > DICK > Hey, what's your problem? TOM : My career didn't go that well after "Clueless." > > BARBARA > I guess, the truth is I'm just not > comfortable with the idle rich. Even > when they try to act like heroes. > > Dick pats the back of his seat. TOM: Kiss this, honey. > > DICK > Well you better get comfortable real > fast, sister. Cause we've only got > one bike and it's a long walk home. > >317/318 OMITTED CROW: This is the scene where she kicks his butt and takes the bike away. > >319 INT. WAYNE MANOR - GARAGE > > Dick and Barbara dismout. TOM: Woah! CROW: Guess I was wrong about those omitted scenes . . . MIKE: My God, it's not NIGHT or DAY. > > BARBARA > I started racing after my parents > died. MIKE : Funny, I wore spandex and beat people up. CROW: Is there anybody in any of these movies that has one, just one, parent alive? > There was something about the > speed, the danger, that took me out > of myself, that made the hurt > go away. CROW: Then I hit something and the hurt came back really bad! > You wouldn't understand. TOM: Yeah, your parents plunging hundreds of feet and splattering like overripe melons does NOTHING to you. > > DICK > You'd be surprised. CROW: And how! > > BARBARA > Street racing isn't exactly an > acceptable major at Oxbridge. They > kicked me out. it doesn't matter. > I've won enough money to do what > I've always dreamed. MIKE: How do you make a career out of bike racing? > > DICK > Just don't tell me you're hoping to > run away and join the circus. TOM: Oh, this film is just overflowing with sensitivity. > > They head towards the entrance tot he house. > > BARBARA > Alfred has supported me my whole > life. Now I'm going to pay him back. > I'm going to liberate him from his > dismal life of servitude. TOM: Alfred, born free. > > DICK > What are you talking about? TOM: Nothing much in particular, the scriptwriter doesn't know what he's doing. > > BARBARA > Servants, Masters, it's ridiculous. MIKE: Hey, leave people to their alternate lifestyles, OK? > Alfred is the sweetest, most noble > man alive and he's subjugated all > his life and dreams to someone else. > >320 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - WALKING - CONTINUOUS > > DICK > Alfred and Bruce are like family. MIKE: Again, guess the size of the 'f' people. > > BARBARA > Paying someone to prepare your > meals and do your laundry and > clean your dishes, you call that > family? TOM : No, I'd call it marriage. > > DICK > Alfred's happy here. > > BARBARA > Happy > (a beat) > You honestly don't know, do you? > You can't even see what's in > front of your own eyes. TOM : Oh, yeah, Bruce is as gay as a tree full of parrots, whadda ya think! > They've reached the main stair. Dick stares at her > puzzled. CROW: A guy does a WHAT with a girl? > > BARBARA > Look at his skin. TOM : Heck, I've caressed it! > At how he's hiding > the pain all the time. Can't you see > it? Alfred's sick. > > And with that, Barbara disappears upstairs. Dick stares > after her. TOM : Her can is getting huge! > > BRUCE (OVER) > Alfred's not sick. MIKE: He's just insane. > > Bruce steps from the shadows. Sits now at the foot of the > steps. > > BRUCE > He's dying. And I can't deal with it. TOM: You'd think being on ER would have helped. > > DICK > But he's never said a word- > > BRUCE > You know Alfred. He'd never say > Anything. But I can tell. MIKE: I'm not as dense as I seem, isn't that true Randy? > Until > you came along, Alfred was the > only family I ever had. Without > him, I don't know how I would > have survived. He saved my life, > Dick. And I've never told him. TOM : I think he knows you saved his life, Bruce. > > DICK > Talk to him, Bruce. There's nothing > worse than losing someone without > telling them how you feel. > > BRUCE > I'm scared, Dick. Maybe for the > first time in my life. I'm really > scared. MIKE: I've been psychotic, confused, and stupid, but never scared. > >321 INT. ARCKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL - NIGHT CROW: Still? TOM: This is the continuous night movie. > > Freeze stands within the anti-thermic field, CROW: Name change! Trek tech! Trek tech! > crafting a > tiny ice sculpture of his wife. He lifts the miniature > gearworks from an alarm clock, places the ice sculpture > atop of it, the statuette beginning to turn. He covers the > figure with a drinking glass. MIKE: So he won't be able to have a drink or know when to wake up? > > GUARD(OVER) > Hey Icehead, you got a visitor. CROW : That's Mr. Icehead to you, shorty. > >322 WIDER > > A GUARD stands by the door. MIKE: What a surprise. > > GUARD > You're sister's here to see you. TOM: It's Sister Act III, back in the Bat-habit again! > >323 FREEZE - CLOSE. Puzzled. > > FREEZE > (to himself) > Sister? > > The Second Guard ENTERS, followed by a woman in a cloak. > None other than Poison ivy. MIKE: Star of stage, screen, and sequels! CROW: What a surprise. This is like Saturday Night Live - they only have so many women to go around. MIKE: I hate it when that happens. > >324 INT. ARKHAM LOCK-UP - NIGHT > > A tiny basement room with a single barred window where > prisoner's effects are kept. Mannequins display familiar > costumes, Joker's, Riddler's, Freeze's. MIKE: Of course the Riddler's(tm) insane, and the Joker's(tm) dead, but they keep the Joker's(tm) costume around in case they want to dress up his corpse. > >325 A GUARD sits against the wall, watching TV. Suddenly two > fists SMASH through the cement wall TOM: And the cement pond . . . > and grab the chair, > wrenching the seated Guard through the wall in a storm of > dust. > > Bane ENTERS, walks to Freeze's suit. MIKE: Tries it on, then puts on a tutu and cow horns, prances, and runs away. CROW: I wish my brother George was here . . . > >326 INT. FREEZE'S CELL > > The two Guards stand by the console as the door seals > behind Pam. > > GUARD > Don't mind us, ma'am. You can converse > freely. TOM : If you don't mind us makin' rude comments and such occasionally. Think of me as Guard Crow and Guard Tom. > > But Pam isn't interested in Freeze, instead walks to the > Guards. > > PAMELA > Oh, I don't mind you at all. TOM: I loathe you. > > Pam begins a saunter around the room, shedding her cloak > to reveal her skintight Ivy costume. TOM: Villain-gram! > > PAMELA > You're not that attractive. MIKE: Why thank you. > Pretty > average I'd say. But your fantasies > aren't average, are they? MIKE: Uh-yeah. I work for Wakenhut. > >327 INT. ARKHAM HALLWAY - HALLWAY CROW: At Arkham, even the hallways have multiple personality disorder. > > (OVER) ALARMS. Bane, rolling Freeze's suit in a shopping > cart, barrels down the hallway, KNOCKING Guards and > Doctors into walls. TOM: Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a blue-light special on steroid-induced supervillains! > >328 INT. FREEZE'S CELL > > Pam's saunter has brought her back to the two mesmerized > Guards. MIKE : We'd look great dressed like that. > > IVY > Men. The most absurd of all God's > creatures. We give you life and we > can take it back just as easily. MIKE : Ma'am, we do have the guns. > > She holds one Guard's chin in each hand. Leans in to kiss > them. > > IVY > What if I told you one kiss from me > would kill you? > > GUARD GUARD #2 > Right. Whatever. > > IVY > I really am to die for. > > She kisses first one, then the other. They CHOKE, fall. > Dead. TOM: Their breath levels her too. Sadly, Freeze(tm) will never escape. > > FREEZE > Impressive CROW : They didn't react that way when I kissed them. > > IVY > Well, I, my most unabominable > snowman, have been impressed by you. > In fact I propose a pairing. So I'm > here to set you free. > > FREEZE > An enticing offer. But what does the > lady want in return? MIKE : Don't you know working with bald, undersexed psychopaths is every girls dream? > > IVY > Let's cool it for now. There's > someone I want you to meet. TOM: Great, she's probably going to introduce him to her parents. > >329 OMITTED MIKE: Well, great, now we don't get to meet her parents. Back to the crappy script. > >330 Ivy presses a button TOM: I suddenly miss Frank. > and the door slides open. Bane > runs in, wheeling Freeze's suit. Ivy seals the door > behind him. MIKE: With crazy glue. > > FREEZE > Ah, a laundry service that delivers. > > Bane rolls the cart across the cryonic field. CROW: That field's name changed again! Freeze > begins to dress. > > IVY > I love that belt. What are you, > about a fifty Big and Tall? > > FREEZE > I always go a size smaller. Makes > me look slimmer. > >331 FREEZE - POV. His watch like status display shows his > power supply. Dangerously low. Auxiliary Power Only. MIKE: So his belt is out of power. > > Freeze opens his sleeve compartments. Empty. TOM: They got my stash! > > FREEZE > They've confiscated my generator > diamonds. I'm running on empty. > >332 (OVER) the SHOUTS of approaching Guards. The flame of a > laser torch begins to cut around the side of the front > door. TOM: I'd never trust the guards here with lasers. > >333/ IVY hits the Venom pump. Bane lifts his fists and tries >334 to SMASH the far wall. It doesn't break. > > IVY > Not good. CROW : Very bad. Not good. Very bad. > >335 (OVER) the SHOUTS of more Guards coming down the hall. > Freeze reaches for his holster. Empty. > > FREEZE > No gun. How disarming. MIKE: No story. How telling. > > IVY > I wonder if I can get a cell with > a view of the gardens? MIKE: Thanks for the boost, Ivy (tm)! > > FREEZE > Dear daisy, don't despair. CROW AND TOM : Daisy, daisy . . . > >336 Freeze walks to a sink set into the cell wall. He turns > on the water. Freeze cracks his gauntlet seal, cryo-gas > HISSING out. TOM: Freeze(tm), Ivy(tm), and Bane(tm) inhale deep and kiss the sky! > > FREEZE > Always winterize your pipes. MIKE: THERE'S a metaphor if I ever heard one. > >337 Freeze aims the gas jet at the spigot. PIPES around the > room begin to freeze, bulging with the cold, frozen water > within them splitting metal, rushing towards, CRACKING, > the stone wall. > >338 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT MIKE: Same night? We don't know. We don't care. > > The wall of Freeze's turreted isolation tower begins to > CRACK. MIKE: Freeze(tm)! Freeze(tm)! Let down your . . . oh. > >339 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL > > The wall has split apart, revealing the night beyond. > Bane, Ivy, and Freeze look down at the rushing river far > below. TOM: Conveniently there for this movie. > > IVY > I hate heights. CROW : Funny, I hate widths. > >340 The cell door flies off its hinges. CROW: And into the night, free at last! > > FREEZE > You'll hate prison more. > > The three villains jump. MIKE: Martian Manhunter(tm), Aquaman(tm), and the Flash(tm) appear and hold up signs reading "10" "9" and "9.5" TOM: You know, this "trademark" speak is getting annoying. CROW: Yeah as bad as those comics where everyone talks in "logo." > >341 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT > > Three tiny figures plummet towards the fast rushing waters > below. > >342 INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT - WALKING TOM: Baba Yaga's back, I see. > > Bruce walks with Alfred through the old house, shutting out > lights. MIKE : When a man loves a butler . . . > > BRUCE > Are you well, old friend? > > Alfred stops, stares into his charge's eyes, then turns > away. > > ALFRED > I am as well as can be expected. TOM: I work for a psychotic who wears leather, fights crime, and recruits orphans. As well as can be expected. > > BRUCE > Alfred, I know you're sick -- I > can get you the best doctors. MIKE: Dr. Phosphorous. Dr. Fate . . . > > ALFRED > I've seen the best doctors--! A > gentleman does not discuss his > health. It's not civilized. I > hope I've taught you at least > that much, young man. > > Bruce bites back a bitter smile. He knows better than to > push him when he's like this. TOM: Or his mind will snap like uncooked spaghetti. > > BRUCE > Have you ever regretted your life > working here, Alfred? TOM : Only every minute, sir. > > ALFRED > Attending to heroes? No sir. my > Only regret is that I was never > able to be out there with you. MIKE: I want to be Butlerman, justice is served hot and steaming! > > BRUCE > Not all heroes wear masks. MIKE: Heck, some of them don't even wear pants! CROW: Some wear nipple rings and thongs! > > Alfred smiles. > > BRUCE > Alfred, if I've never told you...I > just want to say... > > ALFRED > Yes? ALL: Kiss him! Kiss him! > > Bruce looks away, fighting tears, unable to say the words. > >342A BRUCE - POV. Out the window, a young Bruce plays hide > and seek with Alfred, the old Butler gone behind a hedge, > then back again. MIKE: Let's not comment, guys. > > BACK TO SCENE >342B DICK > (running in) > Freeze has escaped. MIKE : No, that wasn't quite what I wanted to say . . . CROW: Yep, those three words every man longs to hear . . . Freeze has escaped. > > OUT THE WINDOW. The Batsignal shines in the night sky. MIKE: It is a beeper! TOM: Notice below it is a subtitle reading "Freeze has Escaped." CROW: This is so lame. TOM: Just a sec, I have an idea. [THEY EXIT] [BRIDGE OF SOL. TOM IS LOOKING OVER A STRANGE CYLINDRICAL DEVICE. MIKE AND CROW ENTER] MIKE: Isn't that the time machine the Nanites built for me. CROW: Oh, yeah, I got fond memories . . . oh, sorry about that Mike. MIKE: Oh, don't worry, I've repressed everything. Tom? TOM: Well, since we're on the border between fact and fiction, I had the nanites re-wire this gizmo so we can enter the fictional universes. I figure we can hide out from Mrs. Forrester until she gets tired, or even get some help. MIKE: Sounds completely stupid. When do you leave? TOM: Right now! I've decided to mainly visit syndicated shows, plus some of the oddball stuff. CROW: Why? Mainstream network television to good for you? TOM: No, I just figure that the cast of 'Friends' isn't gonna be a lot of help. CROW: Whatever. TOM: And, I'm off! [TOM ENTERS THE DEVICE. IT SHAKES FOR A MOMENT] MIKE: Why am I filled with dread? Moreso than usual, I mean. [THERE IS A PUFF OF SMOKE FROM THE DEVICE. TOM STAGGERS OUT, APPARENTLY WORSE FOR WEAR] MIKE: Tom, that was quick! CROW: Mike, this is like that time thingy. Who knows how long Tom was gone. Tommy? TOM: Bub . . . bub . . . bub . . . MIKE: Uh-oh, he looks pretty stunned. I wonder . . . [THE SOL SHAKES SEVERAL TIMES.] CROW: We're under attack! MIKE: How do you know? [GYPSY POPS UP] GYPSY: We're under attack! Unknown ship configuration! MIKE: Cambot, Rocket Number Nine! [OUTSIDE THE SOL. A SLEEK, ORGANIC LOOKING SPACECRAFT HOVERS OUTSIDE, OCCASIONALLY FIRING UPON THE SATTELITE OF LOVE WITH STRANGE ENERGY WEAPONS. IT APPEARS TO BE A COMPOSITE OF MANY SPACECRAFT, WITH A PICTURE OF TOM, CROSSED OUT, PAINTED ON THE BOW] [SOL. TOM IS SHAKING] MIKE and CROW and GYPSY: Tom . . . TOM: bub . . . bub . . . Chakotay said the tattoo would never come off of his butt, and right after Hercules used me as a chamberpot, Ivanova sat on my head and beat me, and . . . [THE HEXFIELD VIEW SCREEN OPENS. STANDONG ON THE BRIDGE OF THE CRAFT IS AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ANGRY PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE CASTS OF 'BABYLON 5', 'XENA', "HERCULES', AND MANY MORE. EVERYONE SEEMS ANGRY.] MIKE : Why, who is this red being standing here. CROW : I am amazed. Yes. How did he get here? MIKE : I think my companions and I will go watch the reading of a script and leave this stranger here. [MIKE AND CROW AND GYPSY HIGH-TAIL IT OUT OF THE BRIDGE] TOM: Uh, look, there's been a lot of misunderstandings. Ambassador Delenn, grabbing someone's hinder is a sign of respect on my world! Er, Nick, I didn't know the pizza had garlic! Xena, you can't prove the kid is mine! Guys, I didn't know Tek was illegal! G'Kar, I didn't mean to drop your eye in that jar of suppositories! Iolaus, hair grows back! I . . . uh-oh. [THEATER. MIKE, GYPSY, AND CROW SIT SULLENLY] CROW: I do feel kinda bad about leaving Tommy. Kinda. [ENTER TOM. A STRANGE, CIRCULAR METAL OBJECT IS EMBEDED IN HIS HEAD] GYPSY: What's that? TOM: I dunno, some round killing thing. [MIKE REACHES OVER TO PULL THE ARTIFACT OUT] TOM: Thanks. MIKE: How did you survive? TOM: I just asked who they were and what they wanted and a fight broke out! I don't get it. Hey, the script is starting back up? GYPSY: I'm outta here! > >343 INT. LIMO - NIGHT > > Filled with flowers. Bane sits at the wheel, TOM: My God some bastard hollowed Bane out and filled him with flowers! CROW : Packed with flowers, Bane really satisfies . . . > Ivy and Freeze > in back, watching the Snowy Cones Ice Cream Factory, > surrounded now by a police perimeter. > > FREEZE > My reserves are exhausted. ALL: > I must > have the gems that power my suit. > > IVY > You are looking unseasonably hot. > Let's go inside and grab your rocks. ALL CROW: What man could resist that? > > The Batmobile SCREECHES up. Batman and Robin race inside. > > FREEZE > In my weakened state I am no match > for the bat and the bird. > > IVY > You leave Batman and Robin to me. TOM : Sounds kinky, but OK. > > Freeze looks skeptical. Ivy smiles seductively. > > IVY > Trust me. Vegetable magnetism. TOM : But vegetables don't, oh sorry . . . > > FREEZE > Fine. While I retrieve my diamonds, > you and meatloaf will bring my wife TOM: Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul! MIKE: Then they'll get Ozzy, and Dio, and . . . > to your lair. She's frozen in - > > IVY > Hold it. You never said anything > about a wife, frozen or otherwise- > > Freeze moves fast, grabbing her neck, SMASHING her against > the seat back. Bane moves in but Ivy SHOOS him off with a > gesture. > > FREEZE > You will rescue my wife > > IVY > OK, OK. Ms. Ivy to the rescue. Now > where do I find your brittle bride? TOM : Oh, you know her? > >344/345 OMITTED > >346 INT. FREEZE'S LAIR > > Police tagged and tapped. CROW: The cops are dead already? > Batman and Robin examine > Freeze's lab. Commissioner Gordon ENTERS, drops a video > disk in a console player. > > GORDON > There's no sign he came back here > after the escape. We pulled this > off the surveillance cameras at > Arkham. MIKE: We think it's a wad of gum, what about you? > >346A MONITOR - CLOSE. The three villains daring aerial escape. > Batman hits a switch. The image of Ivy fills the screen. > > ROBIN > She's definitely part of this. CROW: Duh! > It's > weird, for a while Ivy was all I > could think about. But then... TOM: Dick is NOT the sharpest Batarang in the box. > > BATMAN > I know. The feeling just vanished. > > ROBIN > I can't believe we were fighting > over a bad guy. MIKE: They say so much in one line . . . > > BATMAN > Bad, yes. Guy, no. This is one > majorly beautiful evil person. > > ROBIN > I'm totally over her. Positively. > > BATMAN > Me too. Great stems, though. TOM: A shame she's a broad. > > ROBIN BATMAN > Umm-hmmmm. Definitely. TOM: They don't buy it either. > > Batman has gone to the walk-in Freezer. CROW: To cool down from looking at Dick! > Examines a wall of > food. he lifts a frozen oriental dinner. The secret vault > swings open. > > ROBIN > How did you...? > > BATMAN > (off the box) > Open Sesame...Chicken. CROW: Even the puns are stale! > >346B INT. FREEZE'S VAULT > > Batman and Robin ENTER, examine Nora Fries in her > sarcophagus. > > BATMAN > She's still alive. He's adapted his > freezing technology to reverse > McGregor's Syndrome. > (off a scrolling monitor) > He's even found a cure for the early > stages of the disease. TOM: It's Exposition for Windows95! > > ROBIN > Can he save her? > > BATMAN > No. Her case is too advanced. But > maybe, someday, with more research- MIKE: She can get into a better film! > >346BB FAIRY-LIKE SPIRALS begin winding through the room. > Batman and Robin, both dazed, follow the dust through a > snaking passage, wrench open two service doors TO REVEAL... TOM: A new car! > >346C INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY - INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Bane stands atop a staircase overlooking an industrial > basement crisscrossed by catwalks above giant mixing vats > and conveyer belts. He hits a switch, the machinery WHIRRING > to life. > > BATMAN > No beauty... > > ROBIN > Just the beast. TOM: Isn't that unfair to Bane? > > BATMAN rushes the monster. Bane SIDESWIPES him, sending him > flying off the stairs towards the basement below. CROW: Is it still about the gear? > > Robin uses Batman's distraction to SMSH into Bane's chest. > Robin bounces off, landing hard atop the landing. MIKE: He enjoyed that. > > ROBIN > Ouch. > (standing) > Anymore at home life you? CROW: Sailor? > > The two begin to fight atop the stairs. CROW: Fighting over Batman(tm)? > >346D INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > The front doors BLOW open. Gordon and the Cops stare up > to face Mr. Freeze, standing atop the steps. > > FREEZE > I hate uninvited guests. TOM : I don't even like the regular kind. > > The Cops race up the stairs towards Freeze. He pulls a lever > marked COOLANT GAS. VENTS around the room begin to HISS blue > freezing gas. > >346E INT. SNOWY CONES INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Batman has landed in a giant ice cream mixer. CROW: Probably Tutti-Fruti TOM: Or Tutti-Clooney > He rolls clear > of the giant stirring arm, flipping out of the vat to face... > Poison Ivy. She smiles, blows a handful of dust into his face. > > IVY > I must confess, the combination of > heroic daring-do and an anatomically > correct rubber suit puts fire in a > girl's...lips. TOM: And sometimes in a man's . . . > > She leans in to kiss him. Batman stares a beat, shakes it > off. > > BATMAN > Why do all the gorgeous ones have to > be homicidal maniacs? MIKE: Like the Joker(tm), the Riddler(tm), Two-Face(tm). > Is it me? TOM: Yes it is! > >346F BATMAN - POV. Bane is spinning Robin over his head. > Batman races up the steps towards his partner. TOM : Icehead Mullins has Bobby the Brain in a deathlock . . . > >346G INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY > > The Cops are fighting through the HISSING coolant gas > towards Freeze at the top of the stairs. Freeze reaches > for another lever. > > FREEZE > Why don't you boys slip into > something more comfortable? MIKE: Yuck. > >346H THE ICY STPES - CLOSE. SNAP into a steep, curving ramp. > > Freeze PUNCHES the lead Cop backwards into his shivering > cohorts, the police tumbling in a slipping pile down to > the floor below. MIKE: And no one has guns. TOM: I think Gotham(tm) is in Britain. > >346-I INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT - TOP OF STAIRS > > Bane hurls Robin down the steps. Batman SHASHES into Bane, > both falling off the platform, taking their fight to a > catwalk below. > >346J INT. BASEMENT FLOOR > > Robin stands, behind him a giant miller's wheel carries > planks of wood through a chopper and back up as pallets > of popsicle sticks. MIKE: And this is an abandoned factory, not being used . . . > > IVY (OVER) > Her pretty birdie. > > Robin spins to face Ivy. She blows a pile of dust into his > face. She begins advancing, backing him towards the chopper > blades. > > ROBIN > Give it up. If you threw yourself- TOM: Into the chopper blades. > > IVY > (leaning in) > At you? Polly want a kiss? TOM : You know my secret name for myself! > > She leans in, lips pursed. > >346K ON THE CATWALK OVERHEAD Bane's mighty BLOWS back Batman > towards the edge of the catwalk. CROW: Or Batwalk now. > > Robin looks from Ivy to Batman, grabs a strut on the miller's > wheel, the giant cog lifting him up towards the catwalk and > his partner. > > IVY > I must be losing my touch. > >346L INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY CROW: Is it still night? TOM: I don't care. > > Freeze is striding through the mists towards his diamond > vault. More Cops rush him from the HISSING gas. > > FREEZE moves like lightning, WHIPPING billy clubs from the MIKE: Excuse me, that's WILLIAM clubs, thank you! > holsters of two police, using them like disconnected nun- > chucks, KNOCKING the cops unconscious in a flurry of SLAMS > and JABS. TOM: Disconnected nunchucks. Those ARE clubs! MIKE: Translation - stuff happened. > > FREEZE > Stick around. > > A COP hits the wall. Beside him a button reads; EMERGENCY > HEAT. He SLAMS the stud, filaments coming to life, the room > glowing red. > > Freeze's watch begins to flash. No power. TOM: No Plot! No Disco! No Fooling Around! > >346M INT. CATWALK > > Bane kicks Batman off the end of the catwalk as Robin leaps > onto the villain. Robin and Bane begin fighting again. TOM: This catwalk is no cakewalk. > >346N INT. CONVEYOR BELT MIKE: The INTERIOR of a conveyor belt? > Batman lands on his back on a moving belt that is feeding > ancient tubs of ice cream into a clown shaped flash freezer. > Ivy jumps atop the caped crusader, their faces close. > > IVY > You bring out the animal in me. MIKE : You bring out the mineral in me. > > BATMAN > I should have brought my leash. CROW: The sick thing is he acknowledges he HAS one. > > IVY > Enough sweet talk. TOM: Was that foreplay? MIKE: Stop, Tom, stop. > > With that Ivy blows another handful of dust into Batman's > face. Ivy licks her lips. Leans in for a kiss. > > At the last second, Batman averts his face, wrenching Ivy > to the floor just ahead of the clown's freezing maw. > > BATMAN > (mustering all his will) > You're going to jail. CROW : Then I'm going to Disney world. Dick and I fit in there. > > IVY > I'm a lover not a fighter. That's > why every Poison Ivy action figure > comes complete with...him. > > BANE stands atop a giant storage vat, a dazed Robin hanging > in his hand. Bane tosses the boy aside, slide, feet first, > down a conveyer belt and double fists Batman, CRASHING, > into the wall. CROW: Owie! Owie! Owie! > > IVY > I'm off to find Bachelor Number Two. TOM : Bachelor Number One is Clark, he lives in Metropolis(tm) and has an identity crisis. Bachelor Number Two is Kyle, who loves the color green! > Try not to make a mess when you die. > >346-O INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > The room is growing even hotter. Freeze stagger towards > his diamond vault, his flesh turning ray. > > With his last strength, Freeze wrenches open his safe, > filling his sleeve power compartments with diamonds, his > color returning. > > FREEZE > Ahh. Chilled to perfection. > > Freeze hits his watch, the villain now suddenly encased > in ice. MIKE: Whoops, turned that one up too high. > >346P WIDER > > The Cops are warming back into action, draw guns, FIRE, > bullets bouncing off Freeze's armor of ice, ricocheting > into the walls. > > FREEZE > Superman, eat your heart out. MIKE: A voice says 'No, I don't think so,' and the plot changes radically. > > Freeze starts towards his weapons locker. TOM: But he forgot the key. > >346Q INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Bane SMASHES Batman into the wall. Advances. At the last > second, Batman FIRES a Batclub, HITTING Bane in the head > stunning him. CROW: Sure. > >346R BAATMAN - POV. Ivy is closing in on Robin. MIKE: Da-dump, da-dump . . . > >346S INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY CROW: Probably daytime now, you know. > > The Cops rush Freeze. The villain whips a small icing jewel > from his weapons locker, the floor GLOWS, suddenly covered > with ice. > > The Cops begin slipping on the glassy floor in classic > Keystone style, ending up sprawled on their backs. MIKE: Wouldn't it be great it someone brought Cops? Keystone cops? > > Freeze stands, pulsing with power, MIKE: Uh-huh . . . > this icing cannon now > under one arm. He lifts his pistol in his free hand. Points > at the police. CROW: Forgetting it's not polite to point. > > FREEZE > All right coppers, Freeze. TOM: Hey, we know who you are . . . oh. > > He FIRES. > >346T INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Ivy has Robin up against a giant vat. MIKE: Now there's a metaphor. > > IVY > Stop living in the shadow of the > big bad bat. You don't need him. > (blows more dust) > You deserve your own legend. Your > own bright shining signal in the > sky. Let me guide you. Let me... > (touches his face) TOM : No. > ...Touch you. Kiss you. TOM : I'm not feeling anything. > > He can't resist, about to kiss her. A tiny batarang hits > his cheek. MIKE: Batarang micro machines! > > BATMAN > Remember the victim at the airport. > Toxins introduced through the mouth. TOM : Just a second, I'm BUSY! > > ROBIN > What are you talking about? > > BATMAN > Why is she so desperate to kiss us? > I'm betting her lips are poison. MIKE: Yeah, no sane woman would want to kiss us! > > ROBIN > A poison kiss? You have some real > issues with women, you know that? MIKE: Oh, we all know that. CROW: It's about time someone admitted that. > (advancing) > You just couldn't stand that she > was about to kiss me. > (shoves him) > Couldn't stand that something might > be mine and not yours. Could you?! > > Robin shoves him harder still. In frustration, Batman > delivers a fantastic roundhouse, sending Robin SMASHING > into a wall. > > BATMAN > Damn. TOM: Now I'm the top! > > Batman tries to help Robin up. Robin shrugs him off, stands. > > ROBIN > Ivy's right. I don't need you. I'm > going solo. I want my own signal > in the sky. CROW : Moving on up to that signal in the sky . . . TOM : That signal in the sky keeps on turning . . . > > Batman looks around. Ivy and Bane are gone. > > GORDON > (arriving) > What happened? How'd they get away? TOM: A sudden burst of heterosexuality, but we've dealt with it! > > But the caped crusader doesn't have an answer. CROW: But he does have a question! > >347 INT. FREEZE'S HIDDEN CHAMBER > > Ivy enters through the snaking passage. She turns to face > Freeze's wife, still in her frozen sarcophagus. > > IVY > So sorry, Ms. Fridigaire. I'm just > not good with competition. > > Ivy pulls the main power switch. Status lights flash red. > >348-349 OMITTED > >350 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - DAWN > > Transformed. Sunlight streams in through the broken > ceiling. The ground thrives, now a rich garden. > >351 IVY ENTERS, strolls through the gardens into a small >352 ante-room where Freeze sits over his freezing engine, > having ZAPPED the walls with his pistol, the room now > a world of ice. > > IVY > Make yourself right at home. TOM : I was just about to strip down to my underwear, eat chips, watch football, and scratch myself! > > FREEZE > Where is my wife? TOM: Goodbye City Life! > > IVY > There was nothing I could do. Batman > deactivated her. She's dead. > > FREEZE > You lie! TOM: Slowly it dawns on freeze that the psychotic gardener he's hanging out with MIGHT lie to him! > >353 Freeze lunges for Ivy. Bane steps between them. Mistake. > Freeze hurls him across the room. Ivy stills Bane with a > gesture. > > IVY > I'm sorry. > > Ivy reaches up, holding the snowflake necklace between her > and the looming Freeze. Freeze stops, takes the chain in > his hand. > > FREEZE > Their bones will turn to ice. Their > blood will freeze in my hands. TOM : Er, could you be more specific? > > IVY > Kill them. Of course. But why stop > there? CROW : Because then I vill break for a light lunch. > Why should only Batman and > Robin die while the society that > created them goes unpunished? MIKE: Yeah, I'm sure your wife would appreciate a little cathartic mass murder! > > Ivy lifts the frozen Gotham bauble off the iced table. > Turns it over in her hand absentmindedly. Freeze stares at > her. > > FREEZE > Yes. I shall replay the world > for sentencing me to a life without MIKE: A plot. > the warmth of human comfort. I will > blanket the city in endless winter. > First Gotham and then the world. > > IVY > Just what I had in mind. Everything > dead on Earth except us. A chance > for mother nature to start again. > (she lifts a flower) > Plants and flowers are the oldest > species on the planet yet they are > defenseless against man. Sorry hon, > this is for science. > (she crushes the flower) > Behold the dawn of a new age. TOM: Black helicopters and all! > > From a canisters labeled PROJECT GILGAMESH, Ivy removes a > savage, other-worldly plant with HISSING fangs. CROW: So it's fangs hiss, but not any other part of it . . . > > IVY > I have created a race of plants > with the strength of the deadliest > animals. Once you have frozen > mankind, my mutants will overrun > the globe. The Earth will become > a brave new world of only plants. > And we shall rule them. For we > will be the only two people left > in the world. TOM: You guys get the impression the screenwriter was trying to be extra clear here for the hard of thinking? MIKE: Like himself. > > FREEZE > Adam and Evil. CROW: Kinevil? > > Freeze lifts the Gotham bauble, holds it on his palm, his > gauntlet glowing blue, tiny Gotham freezing. He CRUSHES the > city. MIKE: And our souls. > > FREEZE > You will distract the bat and bird > while I prepare to freeze Gotham. > > IVY > Can't we just ice them along with > the rest of the citizenry? CROW: You know, Ivy(tm) is thinking ahead. > > FREEZE > That is far too merciful. Batman > will watch his beloved Gotham perish, > then I will kill him. > > IVY > As a team, the duncely duo protect > each other. But the Robin is young. > Impetuous. If I could get him alone- MIKE: You'd probably be severely disappointed. > > FREEZE > One kiss and you could lift the mask > from his lifeless face. Their secret > identities would be revealed. But > how best to bait a brid? MIKE: So you reveal their identities to a world already dead? > > IVY > The way to a boy's heart is through > his ego. What strapping young hero > could resist his very own...signal? > > FREEZE > Inspired, Ms. ivy. MIKE: No it's not. > > IVY > I'm hungry. I think I'll have > poultry. > >354-393 OMITTED TOM: Woah! MIKE: This is where all the interesting stuff happened. > >393A INT. WAYNE MANOR - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY _ EVENING > > Barbara and Dick stand talking to a DOCTOR. MIKE: Generic Doctor, cheaper than most. > > DOCTOR > It's Stage One of McGregor's Syndrome. > I'm sorry. All we can do is make him > comfortable. TOM: Try not to expose him to the rest of the script, it'll only make things worse. > > PUSH IN through a partially open door in the b.g... > >394 INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S ROOM - EVENING > > Alfred lays on his bed. Bruce in black tie, kneels beside > him. MIKE: I hope he's wearing more than the tie, or this is going to really lodge in my memory. > > BRUCE > I've spent my whole life trying to > beat back death. What good are all > my heroics now if I can't save you? TOM : Not bloody much, sir. > > ALFRED > Everyone dies, Master Bruce. There's > no defeat in that. Victory comes in > fighting for what we know is right > while we still live. CROW: So why don't you start already. > >394A Bruce looks past Alfred. There in the adjacent suite, a > young Alfred finishes reading to a young Bruce. Shuts out > the light. MIKE: Is it just me, or is Bruce hitting the flashbacks pretty badly here? > >394B BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE > I love you, old man. > > ALFRED > Remember this. And remember it > always. I'm proud of you. And > I love you too, son. > > They embrace. MIKE: The one good scene in the movie. ALL > >395 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER > > (OVER) the doorbell is RINGING. Dick follows Bruce > downstairs, the billionaire donning his coat. > > DICK > McGregor's Syndrome. That's what > Freeze's wife had. MIKE: Shocked, shocked I am at the co-incidence. > > BRUCE > Yes. But Alfred's condition is less > severe. Freeze's research says he > cured a case like Alfred's. It just > doesn't say how. > > DICK > I checked the medical database. No > one else is even close. CROW: As in physical distance or research? Be clear, man! > > BRUCE > I'm late for the dedication. Then I > go after Freeze and ivy. Alone. > > DICK > Like hell you do. > > BRUCE > Dick, don't push me right now. MIKE: Or fold me, spindle me, or mutilate me! > > DICK > Or what? No one can capture Ivy but > the big bad Bat. Crap! You just want > her for yourself. Don't you? Answer > me, damn it! > > BRUCE > Yes! Yes, I want her so badly I can > taste it. That's the whole point. TOM: The fact that any woman interests me frightens me! > Look at us. Orphans. Isolated. > Obsessed to the exclusion of life, > love, family. We're perfect targets. > She's done something to us, got us > fighting over her somehow. TOM: And I have NO idea how ANY woman could do that! > > DICK > Hail the all-knowing Bruce Wayne. ALL: Hail Bruce! > Here's what I know, she loves me, > Not you and it's driving you crazy. > It's why you stopped us from kissing. > Because if you can't have her, > nobody can. > > BRUCE > She's clouded your mind. You're not > thinking straight. TOM: Actually, the problem is that he IS thinking straight. > > DICK > Oh but I am. For the first time in > a long time. I'm through living in your > shadow. All that ends right now. CROW: So then why is this movie called "Batman and Robin."(tm & tm) > >395A Dick walks away. Bruce stares after him. (OVER) The bell > RINGS again. The front door swings open, Julie ENTERS. A > limo sits out front. MIKE: Making doughnuts on the lawn. > > JULIE > I've been ringing forever. Where's > Alfred? TOM: With Waldo. > > But Bruce doesn't answer. > >395B INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT > > Barbara stands over the old man. TOM : Now I just place this pillow like so, and according to his will . . . > > BARBARA > I'm sorry. I was too late. > > ALFRED > Too late for what, dear child? CROW: Acting lessons. > > BARBARA > I came to give you your freedom, > a chance to live the life you choose. > The same gift you gave me. MIKE: And the desire to work with leather-wearing psychos. > > ALFRED > I have been part of the greatest > adventure ever know. I have found > purpose here, and the family I > could never have. > > Alfred smiles, is hit by a sudden wave of pain. MIKE: He realizes that following this film, Nicholas Cage will attempt to play Superman(tm). > > ALFRED > You must do something for me. > > Alfred takes her hand, puts an envelope in her grasp. TOM: It's my last student loan payment. Mail it. > > ALFRED > Find my brother Wilfred. Give him > This. I have duties he must fulfill > in my stead. Only family can be > trusted. > > BARBARA > What is it? MIKE: A sociobiological unit of animal organization. > > ALFRED > It is the hearts of two good men TOM: Woah! Big envelope! > whom I have had the honor of > calling son. Take it, child. But > I implore you, never open it. CROW: OK, I can see this coming a mile away. > (he touches her cheek) > You look so like your mother. MIKE: Except not as smart or interesting. > > And with that his eyes close. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > >396-399 OMITTED MIKE: An attempt for Alicia Silverstone to act, omitted. > >400 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > A black tie gala celebrating the telescope unveiling. > PAMELA ISLEY stands in the center of the room. Alone. > Her drab outfit and demeanor make her anything but a > conversation magnet. TOM: It makes her more of a conversation cyclotron. > > Bruce and Julie ENTER, smiling through the storm of > FLASHBULBS, and the crowd of PRESS, being greeting > guests. Commissioner Gordon steps away, reaches for > champagne off a try. TOM : It's only number twenty, nothing ever goes wrong in this city . . . > > VOICE (OVER) > I've always wondered, where does > that big old bat light come from? > > Pamela stands before Gordon. She flips open a compact, > blows a pile of love dust, the tiny swirl catching the cop > in the face, a bit more hitting Bruce who stands behind > the Commissioner. > > GORDON - CLOSE. Stunned. And suddenly in love. TOM: With Bruce or Pam? > > GORDON > (stammering) > It's on top of police headquarters. > > Pam takes Gordon's arm, leads him like a puppy into an alcove. MIKE: Hitting him with a rolled-up newspaper. > > PAMELA > I'd just love to see it. But you > probably don't have access. TOM : You just described my marriage. > > GORDON > Why, I'm Commissioner of Police. > (patting his pocket) > I have the keys right here. CROW: Let me whip this out . . . > >401 BRUCE, still standing with Julie, amidst the PRESS and > WELL-WISHERS, seems suddenly distracted, begins looking > around the room. > > As if summoned by an inaudible call, Bruce peels away from > a perplexed Julie, begins searching the crowd. A man on a > quest. TOM: To ruin his life . . . > > PAM has Gordon against the alcove wall. Her fingers slip > into his pocket. CROW: Oh, I don't wanna look . . . > > PAMELA > On second thought, you're way too > old for me. > > She pushes a stunned Gordon away, spins, heads towards the > door, tossing something in her hand. Gordon's keys. > >402 A HAND grabs her. Pam spins to face Bruce Wayne. TOM: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! > > BRUCE > Dr. Isley. it was like I could feel > you in the room. You're...enchanting. > Gorgeous. The most beautiful woman > I've ever seen. If you're..um... > free...this evening. MIKE: It's Bruce Wayne's(tm) "How to Not Pick Up Women and Embarrass Your Date!" > > JULIE > (arriving) > Bruce? What are you doing? TOM: Ruining our relationship, shut up! > > PAMELA > I think he's asking me on a date, in > an awkward, stammering sort of way. > TOM: She's being kind. > JULIE > I've heard of commitment anxiety, > but this is insane. You're not > really propositioning another > woman right in front of me. > Are you? TOM : Doesn't that turn you on? > > BRUCE > Well, definite 'propositioning'. > > The PRESS has noticed the conflict, now surround Bruce, > Julie and Pam. MIKE: As Gossipy Gertie gets a chance to hit on Julie . . . > > JULIE > Make a choice, Bruce. Her or me. > > BRUCE > Well...um...her. > > JULIE > (crestfallen) CROW: I guess she dropped her toothpaste! > You were right. I get it. You're not > the marrying kind. You've made your > point. Goodbye Bruce Wayne. TOM : I'm gonna see if that nice Barry Allen is seeing anyone! > > PAMELA > Physical perfection, charm and > wealth tossed over for a dowdy spinster. > How do you explain your behavior? TOM : The writer made me do it! > > BRUCE > (puzzled) > I can't. But perhaps tonight, over > dinner...I've just had an opening. > > PAMELA > Maybe your witless playboy persona > works on every bimbo du jour but I > am not the least bit titillated by > your attentions. So back off or I'll > have you in court quicker than you > can spell sexual harassment. Got me? MIKE: I'm sorry, your mousy hair and thick glasses had me enchanted. > >402A WIDER > > Folks are staring. MURMUR to each other. Bruce is > chagrined. > > BRUCE > Does that mean dinner's a no? CROW: Come on! Come on! Earth to Brucie! > > Pam has already pushed past him, out the door. > > BRUCE > It's just I sort of...kind of > ...love you. MIKE: A crazy little thing sort of kind of called love. > >403 INT. BLOSSOMS TREET TURKISH BATHS - FREEZE'S CHAMBER > > Freeze stands, putting on his suit. TOM: And top-hat. > > He SNAPS his fingers. A legion of Icemen step out of the > swirling mists. Freeze lifts his freezing engine. > > FREEZE > Bundle up boys. There's a storm > coming. > > Freeze and his battalion head into the night. TOM : Uh, boss, what is the economic advantage to us in destroying the world? > >404 EXT. POLICE HQ - ROOF - NIGHT > > A giant door swings open. Bane and Ivy emerge onto the > roof. TOM : Let's hock lugies on passerbys. > > IVY > Let there be light. MIKE: Dressing! > > Bane walks tot he dormant Batsignal, TEARS it from its > shackles. TOM: This'll look great on the Christmas Tree! > >404A INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - NIGHT > > Barbara ENTERS, lost in grief. She sits, turns Alfred's > envelope over in her hand. A long beat. She withdraws a > single, silver CD. CROW: Al's album went silver! MIKE: Yeah, well "Metal Butler" did pretty well overseas. > > BARBARA > Only family can be trusted? > > Barbara slides the disk into her computer. > > COMPUTER > Access denied. Protected files. MIKE: Piss off. > > BARBARA > Perhaps you didn't give me your > genes. TOM: Or your brains. > But you gave me your heart. MIKE: Yuck! > > Barbara begins hacking the disk, trying to break the code. > >405-406 OMITTED MIKE: And this is where they'll make up an explanation for how she gets access to the disk. > >406A INT.-WAYNE MANOR-HALLWAY-NIGHT > > Bruce, still in his tux, ENTERS, sits at the main batcomputer > console, distraught, starting in to the darkness of the cave. TOM: And his soul. > >407A A YOUNGER ALFRED stands with an ADOLESCENT BRUCE, working > together over the original Batsuit prototype. TOM : Sir, pants are a virtual necessity when being in public. > >407B BRUCE - CLOSE. As the images dissipate to memory. > > BRUCE > Alfred, old friend, I could use > your help right now. > > ALFRED (OVER) > Right here, sir. MIKE: And the hallucinations are running rampant. > >408 Bruce spins, stunned. A monitor flickers into life. > The words COMPUTER SIMULATION flash under an image of > Alfred. TOM: It's the Al 9000! > > ALFRED > I anticipated a moment might arrive > where I became...incapacitated. As > such, I programmed my brain algorithms > into the batcomputer and created a > virtual simulation. CROW: Of course you did . . . > > Bruce stares a beat. Then he smiles. > > BRUCE > It's good to see you. TOM: Bruce acts like nothing unusual happened. This disturbs me. > > ALFRED > What seems to be the problem? MIKE: You're taking up ten gig of hard drive space? > > BRUCE > Women. > > ALFRED > That, sir, does not computer. TOM: Yeah, no kidding! > > BRUCE > First Ivy had an intoxicating effect > on both Dick and me. Tonight my > feelings spread to someone else. MIKE: Kathy Lee. Really has me scared. > > ALFRED > Specify, please. > > BRUCE > Pamela Isley. I was so attracted to > her I couldn't reason clearly. I > still can't. She used to work for > Wayne Enterprises. Find a file. TOM: He's treating Al like "Bob"! > > ALFRED > Coming on line now, sir. MIKE: Suddenly Al GPFs and the Batcomputer crashes! Al needs to be defragmented! > > A spinning Isley appears on the monitor. TOM: And then virtual barf spews. > > BRUCE > What was her area of research? > > Study and report titles scroll up the side of the image. > > ALFRED > Advanced botany. DNA splicing. > Recombinant animal plant patterns. > Pheromone extractions. TOM: Varsity Football. > > BRUCE > Pheromones? > > ALFRED > Glandular secretions from animals. > Scents that create powerful > emotions. Fear. Rage... MIKE: The need to shop. > > BRUCE > Passion. Of course. Find the photo > of Ivy after the flower ball. > > A spinning Ivy appears beside the spinning Isley. TOM: I'm getting dizzy! > > BRUCE > Deconstruct and resolve. > > Schematics of various features, finger and retina prints, > height, weight, are highlighted and compared. All match. TOM: Yeah, and you got all this data on Ivy(tm) from . . . > > BRUCE > Amazing what a good wig and contact > lenses can do. And I thought Clark > Kent got away with murder just > wearing those glasses. TOM: You'll notice Clark can maintain a stable relationship, so don't get too cynical, Batboy. > > Suddenly ALERT panels start flashing. ALARMS SOUND. > > BRUCE > What is it? TOM : Approaching final arc of movie, prepare for more bad writing! > > ALFRED > It appears, sir, that someone has > stolen the batsignal. MIKE: Last time they found it up on cinderblocks. > >408A INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT > > Barbara is still hacking away at the disk. > > COMPUTER > Access code accepted. > > BARBARA > This better be one hell of a > secret. MIKE: Maybe the disk has the real script. > > She hits a key. a Pictures begin to reflect in the dark of > her eye. > > BARBARA > Oh my God. TOM: It's full of stars . . . > >409 EXT. GOTHAM STREET > > Freeze's trucks SCREECH to a stop, Freeze and Bane at the > helm. TOM : I want to drive! > > FREEZE > No matter what they tell you, it's > the size of your gun that counts. CROW: So it is about the gear! > >410 PAN UP MIKE: Colander down. > > The giant TELESCOPE of the Gotham Observatory aims into > the night. > >411 CAMERA CONTINUES UP to the heavens as the BATSIGNAL > appears in the sky. Then something amazing happens. The > familiar beacon turns blood red, the shape within changing > from a bat to bird. THE ROBIN SINGAL shines over Gotham. TOM: Great. They screwed with the signal LAST movie. MIKE: You're in trouble when your sequel rips off the previous sequel and that sequel stank too. > >412 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > THE ROBIN SIGNAL glows on the central monitor. > > WIDER > > Bruce stands in civvies talking to Dick who is suiting up. TOM: Try some flowers, women love flowers. Well, I think they do . . > > DICK > That's no batlight, it's a birdcall. > > BRUCE > Her name is Pamela Isley. I saw > her talking to Gordon. She must > have stolen his keys, altered > the signal- TOM: Worked with the scriptwriter. > > DICK > And she did it all for me. For love. MIKE: Yeah, Dick has grown up very healthy living her with Bruce. > > BRUCE > She's infected us with some kind of > pheromone extract- > > DICK > Is that it, Bruce? I'm under some > magic spell? > > BRUCE > She wants to kill you. CROW: I am just extrapolating, but why not! > > DICK > You'd say anything to keep me away > from her. To keep her for yourself. MIKE: Yeah. Sure. > > BRUCE > You once said to me that being > part of a team means trusting > your partner. that sometimes > counting on someone else is the > only way to win. Do you remember? > > Dick doesn't answer. > > BRUCE > You weren't just talking about being > partners. You were talking about > being a family. Well, once of our > family is dying. I'm not going to > lose everyone I've ever loved. So I'm > asking you now, friend, partner, > brother will you trust me? > >413-415 OMITTED MIKE: Scene of actual human emotion omitted for intimacy. > >416 INT. OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM > > The Scientist and his Associate stand amidst the debris > from the party, testing the telescope. (OVER) A TREMENDOUS > SMASHING. > > ON THE FLOOR BELOW Freeze and Bane Enter. > > FREEZE > Hi. Sorry about the door. Is the > party over? MIKE: About halfway through scene 2, actually. > > BANE begins pulling charges from his satchel and setting > them around the room. > > SCIENTIST > Who the hell is this nutball? > >417 Freeze points up, FIRES a cryonic BLAST at him, turning > him to ice. > > FREEZE > That's Mr. Nutball to you. Half a > set of bookends. > (to the Associate) > You. Go like this. > > Freeze pantomimes the Scientist's frozen expression of > terror for the Associate. The Associate, terrified, > imitates Freeze's move. MIKE: Then Freeze(tm) busts a move. > > FREEZE > No. move your hands up. Higher. > Now a hint more fear. Excellent. > >418 Freeze fires another BLAST, freezing the Associate in > the same position as the Scientist. > > FREEZE > A matched pair. Sometimes I exceed > even my wildest expectations. CROW: You know, the scriptwriter said the same thing, but I don't think it was as meaningful . . . > > Freeze smiles at the mighty telescope. MIKE: Only you understand me, telescope, only you . . . > > FREEZE > If revenge is a dish best served > cold, then put on your Sunday > finest. It's time to feast. > >419 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Dark. Dormant. The automatic activation sequence engages. > Ambient lights come on. Computers flicker into life. > > The giant Batmobile pedestal begins to rise. On it, no > car but a single figure standing now in the center of the > cave. Barbara. > >419A BARBARA - CLOSE. Eyes wide with awe. TOM : And I was just looking for the bathroom! > > Barbara walks to the main terminal of the Batcomputer. > Touches the console. The Alfred simulation appears on > screen. MIKE: Max Headroom, the declining years. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > > ALFRED > In spirit only, I'm afraid. > > BARBARA > The boys need help. MIKE : No kidding! > >420 The image of Alfred stares at her a beat. Then smiles. > > ALFRED > Your mother would be proud. > >421 MAIN SCREEN - CLOSE. Flickers into life. Costume > schematics turn. > > ALFRED > Forgive my being personal, dear > girl, but I must know your size. > >421A EXT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Robin arrives the entrance to the dark baths, lush, > inviting, mysterious. MIKE: Just as Robin(tm) ALWAYS remembered them. > He passes the giant bird signal > chained to the door, the spotlight shutting out as he > disappears inside. TOM: Ivy(tm) and Bane forgot to pay the power bill! > >422 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Giant floral fans spin. Leaf curtains undulate. Fruits > burst with color. In the center of the cave, a giant bed > of buds. Ivy touches the buds. All instantly blossom. > > ROBIN (OVER) > Is your thumb the only part of > you that's green? ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! > > Ivy looks up. A figure stands in the darkness. She smiles. > > IVY > You'll just have to find out. > > Ivy extends her hand. Robin steps out of the shadows. > >423 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM - NIGHT TOM: Symbolic? You be the judge. > > Freeze attaches the icing engine to the telescope. Bane > finishes laying his explosive charges, joins Freeze. > > FREEZE > Big family? Like pets? Don't talk > much, do you? MIKE: It just saves the scriptwriter from having to think, Freeze(tm). > >424 Freeze engages the engine. Suddenly the entire pedestal > is washed in a blue wave of freezing cryonic energy. TOM: Leaving an almondy-fresh scent. > >425 EXT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > The ambient ice wave spreads down, encasing the old > structure. The nearby banks whiten, turning into snow > cliffs, the river freezing into an icy channel. The > Observatory has transformed into a fortress of ice. > >426 INT. BATCAVE > > A SERIES OF SHOTS. CROW: Strike the writer. He falls dead. > Boots are pulled on. A slim utility > belt LOCKS. A cape WHIPS over a lithe female back. MIKE: I'd try to enjoy this, but I can't. CROW: It's OK. > >427 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Ivy sits on the bed, draws Robin down beside her, faces > close. > > IVY > I'm glad you came. I can't breathe > without you. MIKE : Uh, then shouldn't you be dead by now. > > ROBIN > I want us to be together. But I > need to know you're serious about > turning over a new leaf. I need a > sign. > > IVY > How about dangerous curves? TOM: How about STOP. > > ROBIN > Of trust. Tell me your plan. > > IVY > Kiss me and I'll tell you > > ROBIN > Tell me and I'll kiss you. MIKE: If someone ends the script, I'll kiss them! > > IVY > Freeze has turned the new telescope > into a freezing gun. He's about to > turn Gotham into an ice cube. MIKE: A dirty, smelly, foul, crime-ridden icecube, but an icecube nonetheless! > > ROBIN > (recoiling) > I've got to stop him. > > IVY > (pulling him back in) > One kiss, my love. For luck. > > Robin can't resist. They kiss. Ivy pulls back, holds his > gaze. CROW: Then juggles it. > > IVY > Bad luck, I'm afraid. it's time to > die, little bird. > > ROBIN > What do you mean? MIKE: Sheeesh! > > IVY > You should have heeded your pointy > eared pal. These lips can be murder. > > ROBIN > Then you never loved me? > > IVY > Love you? I loathe your bipedal > arrogance, your animal superiority. > My only joy is knowing that even now > my poison kiss is sucking the life > from your ape-like face. > > VOICE(OVER) > I'm not saying I told you so. TOM: But I told you so. > >428 Ivy spins. From the shadows, a figure emerges. Batman. > > IVY > You're too late. Say bye-bye birdie. > > ROBIN > Sorry to disappoint you. But rubber > lips are immune to your charms. MIKE: Of course, since it was a French kiss, your tongue poured poison right down my throat, but I consider this a tactical victory anyway. > > Robin peels a rubber coating from his mouth. Ivy stares > in dismay. TOM: Was this some twisted metaphor for safe sex? > >428A BATMAN > Robin and I found the cure to your > evil spell. And that's teamwork. MIKE: Family values. Of some kind. > >428B Then she SCREAMS her rage. She shoves Robin into the > lily pool, the Boy Wonder immediately tangled into predatory > vines. TOM: Ah, more plot devices. MIKE: Let's hope he doesn't catch McGregor's Syndrome from them. > >428C MORE VINES wrench Batman hanging upside down to the > ceiling, the stalks squeezing our heroes. > > IVY > Sorry, boys, my vines have a little > crush on you. CROW: I think the smarmyness level has just gone critical in this Bathhouse. > > Ivy begins leaping across lily pads towards the exit. > > IVY > Gotta run. So many people to kill. > So little time. > >429/430 OMITTED TOM: Actual plot and characterization omitted for clarity. > >431 THE SKYLIGHT - EXPLODES. The room fills with moonlight. MIKE: Fast moonlight? > >432 A figure comes flipping down from above. Long cape. Tall > ears. Black leather. BATGIRL. TOM: Or Madonna. We're not sure. > > BATGIRL > You're about to become compost. > >433 Ivy and Batgirl begin a furious martial arts battle. > (CHOREOGRAPHY TO COME). TOM: We'll ask several pimply repressed teenage nerds what kind of fight would turn them on, then film it. > > BATMAN pulls a bat-knife, begins cutting himself free. > > ROBIN struggles to untangle himself from the aquatic vines. > > BATGIRL is fighting Ivy, feet flying, hands moving like > lighting. MIKE: Apparently they're kung-fu fighting. > > BATGIRL > Using feminine wiles to get what > you want. Trading on your looks. > Exploiting men's weakness for sex. > Read a book, sister. That passive- > aggressive crap went out in the > seventies. Chicks like you give > women a bad name. CROW: Alicia? SO DO YOU! > > BATMAN deftly slashes through his captor vines. > > ROBIN struggles, trying to free himself MIKE: And escape to a real film. > > IVY gets the upper hand, backs Batgirl against the wall. > > IVY > As I told lady freeze when I pulled > her plug, this is a one woman show. > > BATGIRL > I don't think so. > >434-437 OMITTED MIKE: Catfight omitted for clarity. > >438 Batgirl grabs Ivy's hair, knocking her out with a knee > to the forehead, then batcuffs her. > > BATMAN cuts himself freed, drops to the floor to face Batgirl. > > ROBIN pulls himself, dripping, from the pool. MIKE : Uh, we'd have helped you if you needed it. Yeah. Sure. > >438A BATMAN > And you are? > > BATGIRL > Batgirl. > > BATMAN > That's not awfully PC. How about > Batwoman? Batperson? CROW: Batthing. Batbeing. Batsentient. > > BATGIRL > It's me. Barbara. I found the cave. > > ROBIN > We gotta get those locks changed. > > BATMAN > She knows who we are. CROW: She knows what we want! > > ROBIN > I guess we'll just have to kill her. TOM AND MIKE: Do it! Do it! > > BATMAN > Kill her later. We've got work to do. > >439 The three heroes race into the night. > >440 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > Freeze stands on the platform, giant telescope in his > hands. (OVER) approaching SIRES. > > FREEZE > 1-Adam 12, 1-Adam-12, see the mad > scientist with the freezing ray. TOM: 1-Adam 12, 1-Adam-12, see the terrible script, over. > >441 A SQUAD OF CRUISERS SCREAM up the avenue towards the > observatory, their bubble lights flashing. > > FREEZE > Cops on the rocks, anyone? CROW: I prefer my cops straight up . . . > >442/443 OMITTED > >444 He FIRES a giant blue beam of cryonic energy at the > street below. > >445 THE COP CARS become skidding, SCREECHING cubes of ice, > They SHASH into each other, EXPLODE into a pyre of raging > flames. > > FREEZE > Police are so hot tempered these > days. Don't you agree, Mr. Bane? > >446-448 OMITTED CROW: Bane's witty responses omitted. > >449 EXT. FROZEN RIVER BANKS > > A sleek one man ice sail (THE BATSLED) blows out onto > the frozen water. Robin is at the helm. MIKE: Realizing his driving lesions had NEVER prepared him for this. > >450 A modified white Batmobile on rocket skis (THE > BATHAMMER), BLASTS onto the ice, falling in alongside > the Batsled. Batman drives. > > A single-bladed, rocket snowcylce (THE BATBLASE), whips > onto the ice, falling into the attack line. Batgirl helms > the craft. > > The bat-force BLASTS upriver towards the icy Observatory. TOM: Hoping, hoping, that they can have one more pointless fight and end the movie. > >452 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - ELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > TELESCOPE VIEWFINDER - CLOSE. The Batvehicles are visible > through the lens. > >453 FREEZE > Ivy failed to unmask the Dynamic > Duo. No matter, the Bat and Bird are > mine at last. Watch, Batman, as your > beloved Gotham freezes. And prepare > to die. Because you're next. > > Freeze points the telescope downtown. He FIRES > >454 EXT. GOTHAM STREET - NIGHT > > Folks walking their dogs, drinking on stoops, kissing > against alley walls, mailboxes, lampposts, the pavement > itself, are all suddenly encased in glistening ice. TOM: I think Gotham(tm) is in Wisconsin. > >455 EXT. OBSERVATORY RIVER BANKS - NIGHT > > FREEZE (OVER) > The Bat-allion approaches. icemen. > Attack. MIKE: Yeah, forget my giant freezing cannon, you guys go waste your lives. > > FREEZE'S TRUCK bursts through the mists, BLASTING down the > frozen river on blades, two pairs of icemen hanging from > tail lines on skis, machine guns BLAZING. > >456 INT. BATHAMMER - NIGHT > > BATMAN > Attack plan alpha. CROW: Aiyiaiyiaiyiaiyiaiyi! MIKE: Stop that. CROW: If you play that backwards, did you know it sounds like Xena? TOM: Crow, seriously. Shut up. > > Batman peels left. > >457 EXT. BATSLED - NIGHT > > ROBIN > Alpha. Roger. MIKE: That's Bruce, you dunderhead. > > Robin peels right. > >458 EXT. BATBLADE - NIGHT > > BATGIRL > Alpha. Got it. > (a beat) > What the hell is attack plan Alpha? > >459 EXT. BATSLED - NIGHT > > ROBIN > Divide and conquer. MIKE: Oh, that clears up EVERYTHING. > > Robin is flying downriver. One pair of icemen sweep out > alongside the truck, heading towards Robin's billowing > craft, guns FIRING. MIKE: Don't these guys have missiles? Grenades? CROW: Maybe freeze blew all his budget on keeping his hideout cold. > >460 EXT. BATBLADE - NIGHT > > A second pair of skiing icemen whip towards Batgirl, their > guns SPITTING rounds of shells into the ice around her. > >460A EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > Side mounted rocket launchers FIRE towards the Bathammer, > BLOWING holes in the ice. MIKE: Er, Bruce, you missed. > >461 EXT. BATHAMMER > > Batman maneuvers, managing to swerve around the sudden, > steaming pools. He GUNS the TURBOS, heading straight > for the truck. > >462 EXT. BATSLED > > The two icemen bearing down on Robin release their > tethers, converging on the Batsled, guns FIRING madly. > > ROBIN > Tack. > > Robin pulls the boom and the sail LUFFS. His boat suddenly > changes course and the two skiers COLLIDE, flying onto the > ice. TOM: So he likes to just say what he's going to do, then do it. CROW: Kinda like those old anime. > > ROBIN > Boy, I hope Freeze hires these guys > by the dozen. > >463-470 OMITTED CROW: And here is where we find out that Freeze(tm) hires these guys on a rotating discount basis. > >471 EXT. BATBLADE > > The skiers are closing fast. Batgirl hits a key and a > status panel displays a menu of the Batblade's special > modifications. > > BATGIRL > Nice extras package. TOM: It's about the gear. > >472 PANEL - CLOSE. Barbara selects a setting called Ice > Cutter. MIKE: Not knowing what it does. Sure. > >473 THE BATBLADE scythe peels back, revealing a sharper blade. > >474 BATGIRL uses her deft driving skills to spin and side- > skid, her blade sending a wave of frozen ice into the > faces of the icemen, the villains tumbling in backwards > somersaults across the ice. > > BATGIRL > That's what I call a close shave. > >475-477 OMITTED TOM: And here Batman(tm) makes biting, insightful commentary on the large amount of one-liners. > >478 EXT. BATHAMMER > > Batman is shooting the center of the frozen river, heading > straight for the ice truck, its side guns BLAZING. > >479 OMITTED MIKE: Suddenly, all action ceases as we leave stuff out. > >480 INT. BATHAMMER > > Batman hits a control stud. > >481/482 OMITTED MIKE: At this point, the writer's feeble imagination couldn't figure out how to describe pushing a button. > >482A EXT. BATHAMMER > > Two torpedoes shoot out of the Bathammer chassis, hitting > the frozen river directly in front of Freeze's truck, ice > flying skyward in a tremendous EXPLOSION. > >482B EXT. FREEZE TRUCK > > The driver can't swerve in time, the hole in the ice dead > ahead. TOM: Should have put on his tire chains. > >482C EXT. FREEZE TRUCK > > The truck hits the steaming pool, flipping up, nose > first, and begins to sink into the icy waters. > >482D INT. BATHAMMER > > Batman races past the sinking truck, Icemen crawling to > safety. > > BATMAN > Don't sink and drive. CROW: Yeah, don't act and walk at the same time either. > >482E EXT. FROZEN RIVER > > Under the pulse of Freeze's BEAMS hitting the city, the > Batvehciles fire TURBOS, closing in on the Observatory. > >483 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > Freeze tilts his gun down towards the frozen river below. > > FREEZE > Not so fast. Time you cooled your > heals. > > Freeze FIRES. MIKE: Mr. Freeze(tm), is it too early to note that you probably could have done that earlier? > >484 EXT. FROZEN RIVER - NIGHT > > The frozen channel ahead of the bat-force is hit by the > FREEZING RAY. A giant wall of rock-hard ice forms, block- > ing the river. > >485 INT. BATHAMMER - NIGHT > > Batman hits a console stud marked: EMERGENCY BURN. MIKE: And he feels the burn. CROW: I feel the burn too, but not the way you'd think. > >486-488 OMITTED TOM: Burn omitted so you can't feel it. > >488A EXT. FROZEN RIVER > > The Bathammer engines ROAR, the Bathammer BLOWING straight > through the frozen wall in an EXPLOSION of ice. > >488B THE BADTBLADE and the BATSLED shoots up the face of the ice > wall on either side of the Bathammer, soaring over the > top of the mountain of snow. MIKE: Then Batgirl(tm) and Robin(tm) crash to the ice, bloody, icy pulps of their former selves. TOM: Hold on Mike. > >488C EXT. BATSLED - FLYING > > ROBIN > Youwsa! Nothing but air. TOM: Robin(tm) gazes into the writer's soul . . . > >488D EXT. BATBLADE - FLYING > > BATGIRL > (to the old theme) > Batgirl, baatgirl, baatgirl. MIKE: Damn you, Akiva Goldsman, damn you to hell! > >488E EXT. FROZEN RIVER > > The Batsled and the Batblade hit the ice running, WHIPPING > in alongside the speeding Bathammer. > > The Batvehicles BLAST towards the Observatory. TOM: At bat-speed! > >489 INT. OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > Freeze stares at a monitor. The bat-team is now below the > observatory, at the base of the giant ice cliffs. > > FREEZE > Mr. Bane, I'll finish off the city. > You, as they say in showbiz, are > on. Take the boys and kill the kids. > But bring me the Bat. > >490 A GIANT CLOCK TOWER - CLOSE. 11:49 > > BATMAN (OVER) > We have eleven minutes to stop Freeze > And thaw the city. MIKE: Perhaps I'm just being picky, but if the city is frozen, I'd bet that clock isn't working. TOM: Maybe it's a gigantic digital clock. MIKE: Shut up. > > PAN DOWN >491 EXT. ICE CLIFFS - NIGHT > >492 Three tiny figures scale the ice using pitons and ropes. > PUSH IN. MIKE: Pull out . . . oh, it's just not fun any more. > > BATGIRL > This is easy. TOM: I just let me stunt double do everything, even the acting! > > ROBIN > Crimefighter's rule number one: > never say that. > > BATGIRL > Why? > >493 THE LEDGE ABOVE THEM. Suddenly a score of ice-climbing > Thugs pour over the edge on ropes, sliding down, FIRING > their guns madly. > >494 ROBIN > That's why. TOM: It'll summon a plot device. > >495 A SHOOTER comes flying down a rope straight towards them, >496 guns BLAZING. Robin swings wide on his rope, grabbing > Batgirl, pulling her out of the line of fire. They hit a > snow bank and roll. > > BATGIRL > Does this mean we're going steady? TOM: Haha. Ah, the romance. The passion. > >497 Four figures land on the snow beside them. Icemen, guns > drawn. > >498 EXT. ICE CLIFFS - NIGHT > > Batman uses batpitons to pull himself up onto a ledge just > below the Observatory. That's when another wave of Icemen > descend on him from the mists. TOM: Icemen in the mists, with Sigourney weaver and Ice-Miser. > > Batman reaches for a batarang. A beat. Then he smiles. > > BATMAN > Let's do this the old-fashioned way. MIKE: With real characters, believable action, and genuine human emotion? > > Batman leaves his batarang belted, begins wailing on the > Icemen using only his hands and feet, flying back fists, > and spinning roundhouse kicks felling the thugs one > after another. > >499-504 OMITTED CROW: Poignant moment reflecting on society's inhumanity and alienation removed for clarity. > >505 EXT. ICE CLIFFS - NIGHT > > Robin and Batgirl move back to back, surrounded now by a band > of Icemen. Robin notices a heavily cantilevered overhang of > snow. > > ROBIN > Crimefighter's rule number two. > > BATGIRL > I'm afraid to ask. TOM: I'm afraid to WATCH. > > ROBIN > Be ready for anything. > >506 Robin puts his hands together and YELLS. TOM: Ricooooooooooooooollllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! > The ECHO shoots > up the hill. A tremendous RUMBLING comes back down, the > overhang of snow dumping on several Icemen. > >507 OMITTED > >508 Robin does a standing backflip into the Thugs behind him. >509 Batgirl goes down, CROW: Woah! > taking out several more with a deft > leg sweep. > > BATGIRL > (kicks a thug) > Pow! > (punches another) > What! > (backhands a third) > Kazow! TOM: Curse Goldsmith! A curse on his seed and all his progeny, a curse, a curse . > > ROBIN > (fighting) > What exactly are you doing? TOM: MAKING ME SUIDICAL! MIKE: Woah, calm down Tom. > > BATGIRL > I don't know. It just feels right. TOM: Sorry, Mike. I just suddenly remembered the Adam West televisions how, and it's Shakespeare and Asimov all rolled into one compared to this tripe. > >510 Batgirl and Robin begin fighting their way through the > Icemen up towards the Observatory. MIKE: You know, if they just made the Icemen see how dumb this is, they'd get up there in a flash. > >511 INT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > Batman pulls himself up onto the aperture ledge as Robin > and Batgirl climbs in from the other side. The giant > chamber is empty, the telescope still aimed at Gotham. > > BATMAN > No sign of the snowman. > > ROBIN > Maybe he melted. MIKE: That's right, Gotham(tm) is an Ice Capade nightmare, take the time to make jokes. > >512 Batman SHOOTS a batgrapple into the ceiling, swings > across the room, dropping two bat-charges at the feet of > the frozen Scientists, continues his swing landing on the > telescope platform. > > BATGIRL AND ROBIN swing onto the Telescope platform to > join Batman. > >513 THE BAT CHARGES begin to glow, their radiating heat > starting to melt the Scientists. TOM: Woah, a puddle-o-PhD! > >513A BATGIRL > I hope you've got about ten million > more of those little toys. > >514 Batgirl points at the control console clock. 11:52 > >515 ROBIN > Eight more minutes and a city full > of Gothamites are ice cubes forever. TOM: Some may be Ice-T's as well! > > BATMAN > Sunlight could reverse the freezing > process. CROW: So could love . . . > > BATMAN > Sunrise isn't for five hours. > > BATMAN > Here. > > ROBIN > But it's morning in the Congo. TOM: So if we moved Gotham(tm) to the Congo . . . > >516 Batman points to a screen showing a graphic represent- > tation of the satellites in orbit. > > BATMAN > If we could relay the sunlight- CROW: We could make the plot totally stupid! > > ROBIN > From the other side of the equator- > > BATGIRL > It'll take the satellites about a > minute to re-align, but...damn! > > ROBIN > Damn? Damn is not good. TOM: Dick good. Bruce good. Barbara good. Damn bad. > > BATGIRL > Those targeting mirrors are frozen. > The sun beam won't work. > >517 PULL BACK TO REVEAL TWO SMALL MIRRORS sitting on the > telescope barrel. Both are encased in ice. CROW: To preserve freshness. > > BATMAN > I'll set the telescope. You two > thaw the mirrors. > >518 Batgirl and Robin race out onto the telescope, each > pulling a laser from their utility belts. > > BATGIRL > I love this belt. Can I get a > matching handbag? MIKE: And how long ago was she berating Ivy(tm) for making women look bad? > >519 Their LASERS FLARE. Batgirl and Robin begin thawing the > mirrors. > >520 BATMAN goes tot he main console, begins working the > keyboard. > > BATMAN > Who ever thought Aunt Harriet's > typing lessons would lead to this? TOM: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not Aunt Harriet! Not her, not here . . . > >521 EXT. EARTH - VIEW FROM SPACE > > Satellite thrusters FIRE. The giant orbital mirrors > begin to turn. > >522 INT. OBSERVATORY > > MONITOR - CLOSE. Graphic satellites begin to adjust. > TARGETING flashes over a blinking graphic of Gotham > A digital clock reads: 11:54. TOM: I feel the tension! No, wait, that's disgust. > >523 BATMAN - POV. As he aims the telescope. The skyline >524 through the crosshairs is suddenly obscured by a blur as > Freeze drops from the rafters onto the telescope, his face > now visible in the targeting scope. > > FREEZE > Tonight's forecast... CROW: Total crap > (smiles) > ...a freeze is coming! >525 OMITTED MIKE: My thoughts on that last line OMITTED. > >526 Freeze grabs Batman and hurls the caped crusader up over > his head onto the telescope barrel, using his free hand to > yank the telescope control joystick. The telescope tilts > sharply downward. > >527 BATGIRL AND ROBIN tumble down the telescope barrel, > rolling towards the lens and the drop TO the city below. > >528 BATMAN tumbles, rights himself, spins. MIKE: Prances. Pirouettes. > >529 BATMAN - POV. Freeze is climbing towards the control >530 console. Batgirl and Robin are rolling towards the end > of the telescope. > >531 No way to get both. A beat. Batman rushes towards > Freeze. TOM: You brute, you brute, you brute! > >532 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > Batgirl and then Robin tumble off the end of the >533 telescope, dropping towards the city below. CROW: See ya later kids! > >534 INT. OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM > > Freeze has reached the main telescope control. He hits > a switch. > >535 MONITOR - CLOSE. Graphic satellites blink red under the > flashing message: TARGET LOCK DISABLED. Clock reads: 11:56 > >535A EXT. SPACE MIKE: Exterior space? > > THRUSTERS quit as the satellites stop turning. > >535B INT. OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE > > Batman is struggling up the slope of the telescope towards > Freeze. > >535C Freeze pulls the control level. The telescope begins > to tilt and spin madly, the ambient condensation creating > an indoor snowstorm. TOM: Of course . . . > > Batman goes down, hanging from the telescope frame. > >536-541 OMITTED > >542 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > BATGIRL is plummeting towards the city below. Robin is >543 falling a couple of feet above her. He FIRES a bat tether > over his head. > >544 ROBIN'S GRAPPLE secures in a glacier-like overhang. > >545 ROBIN reaches down for Batgirl as Batgirl reaches up > towards him. > >546 OMITTED CROW: And here is where, somehow, they catch each other. MIKE: This is the LAZIEST scriptwriter I have ever seen! > >547 INT. OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE > > Batman flips himself back up onto the wildly spinning > telescope, advancing on Freeze and the control console. > > BATMAN > Millions will die so you can save > on air conditioning. Isn't that > taking self help a little too far? > >548 Freeze draws his pistol. MIKE: And then draws "Timmy." > > FREEZE > We aim to... > (fires) > ...Freeze. > > Batman deflects the blast with his suit armor. > > FREEZE > That's new. Let's swing. > >549 OMITTED CROW: Batman's(tm) terribly wrong interpretation of Freeze's(tm) request, omitted. > >550 Freeze smashes the control joystick to the stop, the > telescope's spin accelerating, swinging towards... > >551 THE TWO SCIENTISTS have finally melted, stand drenched > on the Tower Platform, the massive Telescope now careening > towards them. > > SCIENTIST > This just isn't my day. MIKE: We can relate. > >551A THE TELESCOPE SMASHES directly into the TOWER PLATFORM. > The platform begins to topple. > >551B ASSOCIATE > Up, up and away. MIKE: That's right, keep degrading Superman(tm) . . . > >551C As the platform falls CRASHING onto the floor below, the > two PhDs leap, landing safely on the swinging telescope, > hanging on to the tensioning bar for dear life. > >551D SCIENTIST > PhDs rule! TOM: Kiss my grant request, world! > >551E FREEZE is thrown by the impact of the telescope hitting > the tower into the Telescope Platform rail, his gun falling > to his feet. CROW: He really ought to get a gun that's easier to hold. > >552 OMITTED > >553 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > Robin's hand is inches from Batgirl's, the city coming up > fast. TOM: By now they should be jelly! How tall IS that observatory? > >554 INT. OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE CONTROL PLATFORM > > Freeze is scrambling for his gun. Suddenly a figure looms > above him. Batman. > >555 Freeze draws. Batman kicks the gun out of his hand. The > two begin to fight on the twirling platform. A battle of > titans. > > BATMAN > You've turned Gotham to ice. > (a right) TOM : Ya. > You've endangered countless lives. TOM : Ya. Thank you. > (a left) > It's payback time. TOM : Ya. Oh, dat's baaad! > >555A Batman KNOCKS Freeze with a mighty punch, hurling him > onto the back of the telescope. Batman turns towards the > console, TYPING commands. MIKE : Is this the Korn shell, or Solaris?!?!?! > >555B MONITOR - CLOSE. TARGETING. Graphic satellites flash > green. Clock reads: 11:58 > >555C THE MIRRORS overhead open, beginning to glow with ambient > sunlight. CROW: Mirrors overhead? MIKE: I think the observatory is built like a compact. > >555D Freeze SCREAMS at the emerging light, leaping onto > Batman, sending the caped crusader sprawling onto the > barrel of the telescope. He advances on the fallen bat. TOM: I am going to give you SUCH a noogie! > >555E Freeze kicks Batman hard in the face, the hero rolling > down the telescope towards the opening and Gotham beyond. > >556 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > Robin grabs Batgirl's hand as Batgirl FIRES a batarang >557 from her wrist. Robin's tether pulls taught, the boy > wonder holding Batgirl dangling over the city. > > ROBIN > I've got you. ALL: Babe! TOM : Don't call me Babe! > >558 ROBIN'S GRAPPLE rips free from the melting ice. > >559 BATGIRL'S GRAPPLE hits the metal roof above. Holds firm. > >560 ROBIN'S line tears free, Robin falling as Batgirl's > tether pulls tight, Batgirl now holding Robin > dangling above Gotham. CROW: Put your pants on, Robin(tm)! > >561 BATGIRL > No. I've got you. > > She pulls him eye level. The two hang suspended, face to > face. MIKE: Did you have seafood for lunch? > >562 INT. OBSERVATORY > > Batman is tumbling towards the open slat and Gotham below. > >563/564 OMITTED > >575 He slows his fall, stopping on the barrel. MIKE: We would have shown you how he did that in scenes 563/564. > > VOICE (OVER) > Wow. Batman. > > WIDER. The two Scientists are clinging to a targeting groove > along the body of the barrel. > > SCIENTIST > I've seen you on TV. MIKE: Can you get me Green Lantern's(tm) autograph? > >566 BATMAN - POV. Freeze is heading back to the control > panel. > > BATMAN > Nice to meet you. Can you give me > any more height on this thing? > >567 The Scientist reaches down to a red EMERGENCY lever. > > SCIENTIST > Going up. TOM: So the telescope has an "emergency up" lever? > >568 He pulls the lever and the telescope tilts straight up, >569 sending Batman soaring into the air towards the dome > above. TOM: Into the ceiling and down a wall, a bloody, pulpy smear! > >570 Batman flips in mid air, dives, SMASHING directly into > Freeze, the villain CRASHING over the edge of the control > platform and into the freezing engine. > >570A OMITTED > >571 THE MIRRORS overhead align, the beams of sunlight hitting > the freezing engine. > > Freeze is struck by the rays, the sun penetrating his > damaged suit. > >571A THE TELESCOPE activates, a powerful THAWING BEAM shooting > from it's giant lens. > >572 Batman turns to Freeze, the villain beginning to gray and > wither. > > BATMAN > You're loosing your cool TOM : And my lunch. > > FREEZE > I think not. There'll be no hot > time in this old town tonight. > (pulls a remote) > You'll get a charge out of this. > >573 He presses a button. As Freeze rolls out of the sunlight, > falling towards the floor below, CHARGES around the tele- > scope base EXPLODE. MIKE: Oh no, the telescope! TOM: There goes my favorite character! > >574 The TELESCOPE tilts, dropping out of the open slat > towards Gotham, taking a chunk of observatory floor with > it. > >575 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > Robin and Batgirl are just pulling themselves onto an ice > ledge beneath the dome slat as the giant telescope carrying > Batman and the two Scientists plummets over them towards the > city below. > >575A ROBIN > Now that's what I call an exit. CROW: Ha. Friend dying. Robin(tm) joking. > > BATGIRL > (looking past Robin) > Please tell me he's on our side. > > A figure steps out from behind the ice. BANE TOM: Steroid-Santo? Probably not on your side. > >575B Robin coils, leaps into a spinning roundhouse, but Bane > KNOCKS him away, the boy wonder flying hard into the snow. > > The monster begins advancing on Batgirl. > >576/577 OMITTED CROW: Batgirl's(tm) patented zimmel-fu omitted. > >578 EXT. TELESCOPE - FALLING > > Batman slides down the telescope towards the two Scientists, >579 simultaneously FIRING a double ended bat-tether, two > grapples SHOOTING horizontally into the air. MIKE: Does he ever run out of those things? CROW: I hope. > >580 EXT. OBSERVATORY > > BATGRAPPLES - CLOSE. Sink into the arms of the giant > sculpture holding up the Observatory just as the telescope > plummets past. > >580A EXT. OBSERVATORY - ICE LEDGE > > Robin shakes off the blow, looks up to see Batgirl fending > off Bane with a fast series of punches and kicks. She might > as well be hitting steel. TOM: . . . played by Shaquille O'Neil. > >580B ROBIN > (to Robin) > Don't worry. I've got him. > > Just then Bane SLAMS her into an ice wall by the throat, rears > back with his fist, about to deliver the killing blow. > > ROBIN > No. I've got him. TOM: I think he's got YOU two. > >580C Robin leaps, ripping off the tubes leading from Bane's > injector pack to his skull, venom spraying wildly into the > air. CROW: Eeew! Bane-stain! > >580D Bane hits the snow, writing, as the venom effect is > reversed. His muscles shrink, his form diminishing until > he is again a scrawny prisoner, struggling in the folds of > his costume. > >580E ROBIN > You should get that suit taken in. > No one's buying baggy anymore. MIKE: Plug the tubes back in, Dick. PLEASE> > >581 EXT. TELESCOPE - FALLING > > The ground is rushing up below them. TOM: No, that's relativity. Technically, they are really rushing up to the ground! > > BATMAN > Grab my belt and hang on. > > The Scientists each grab one side of Batman's utility belt. > >582 THE CABLE pulls taught, slowing Batman's fall, the > telescope dropping from under them as the cable bends like > a bow, Batman and the Scientists sinking at its center. > >583 The cable reaches its nadir over an outcropping of rock > on the cliff. Below the telescope EXPLODES into the frozen > river. > > BATMAN > This is your stop. > >584 Batman pushes the Scientists onto the ledge, the reduced > weight SHOOTING the cable taught, ROCKETING Batman up > towards the dome like an arrow. MIKE: And then over it! > >585 INT. OBSERVATORY > > Batman flips in through the telescope slat, followed > immediately by Batgirl and Robin, all landing together on > the observatory floor. > > ROBIN > Winded, old timer? MIKE: Snotty, young timer? > > BATMAN > Don't make me kill you in front > of the girl. TOM : Oh, I don't mind. > > BATGIRL > It's midnight. MIKE: Should we let it all hang out? > The telescope's gone. > There's no way to thaw the city. > > BATMAN > Theoretically, the satellites could > be positioned to thaw the city > directly. But it would take a > computer genius. > > ROBIN > I'm on it. MIKE: Didn't hear him that clear, did you Dick? > > Robin clears the rubble from a fallen console, begins to type. > Nothing. The equipment is dead. TOM: They invoke the spirit of Babbage to give it last rights. > > BATGIRL > (shouldering him aside) > No. I'm on it. > > She quick patches a couple of broken wires, the console > lighting up, WHIRRING to life. Begins hacking. > > BATGIRL > Ms. Genius. Madame Genius. her > Geniusness. Which sounds better? MIKE: How about annoying snot? > >586 EXT. EARTH - VIEW FROM SPACE > > The giant orbital satellites finally align. A full disk of > the sun appears in the mirror, beamed from one to the next > and then the next, the beam cutting downward towards. > >587 EXT. GOTHAM SKYLINE > > The giant rays of focused sunlight begin warming the city. > >588/589 OMITTED MIKE: A believable scientific explanation for this apparent moronic display, OMITTED. > >590 NEXT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > Rays of light hit the Observatory, melting the ice covered > stone. > >591 INT. OBSERVATORY FLOOR > > Batman walks over to Freeze who lies amidst the rubble, weak > and gray with the growing heat, straining to BREATHE. > > FREEZE > Go on, kill me too. Just as you > killed my wife. TOM: Why thanks! Don't mind if I do! > > BATMAN > I didn't kill your wife. > > Batman presses a button on his utility belt. > > BATMAN > Run Ivy evidence tape 001.40. > >592 BATMAN'S GAUNTLET - CLOSE. A tiny monitor shows an image > of Poison Ivy. > > IVY (OVER) > As I told Lady Freeze when I pulled > her plug, this is a one woman show. MIKE: So Batman(tm) had an entire camera setup when he was watching Robin(tm) suck face with the sunflower? > > FREEZE SCREAMS his rage. His face streams with frozen > tears, like tiny diamonds. > > BATMAN > But she's not dead, Victor. We found > her, restored her icy slumber. TOM: Those scenes, of course, were OMITTED. > >593 BATMAN'S GAUNTLET MONITOR shows Mrs. Fries restored in > cryogenic slumber. > > BATMAN > She's still frozen, Victor, alive, > waiting for you to find a cure. I > know what it's like to lose > everything you've ever loved. But > vengeance isn't power. Any two-bit > thug with a gun can take a life. To > give life, that's true power, a > power you once had. I don't know > if you'll ever find a cure for your > wife. But I'm asking you now, Doctor > Victor Fries, to save another life. > Show me how to cure McGregor's > Syndrome Stage One. And maybe you > can also save the man your wife > once loved. He's still inside you, > buried somewhere deep beneath the > snow. Will you help me? Doctor? MIKE: After a line like that Freeze(tm) is asleep! > > Freeze stares at Batman. Finally he unseals his > chestplate, removes two glowing power orbs, holds them > out, his smile, bittersweet. TOM: It's a Guyver unit! > > FREEZE > Take two of these and call me in > the morning. CROW: Let's hope that's the last one-liner. > >594 INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT > > Robin and Batgirl watch as Batman attaches the modified > power sources from Freeze's suit to Alfred's life-support. > > BATMAN > All we can do now is wait. > (takes Alfred's hand) > And hope. TOM : Because sometimes hope is all we have. MIKE: Would you stop that . . . > >594A EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT > > The prison is secure once again. CROW: It received counseling. > >594B INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM CELL - NIGHT > > Ivy sits in the barred moonlight, staring out the window, > holding a small flower in her hand, pulling the petals > out one by one. > > IVY > He loves me. He loves me not. > He loves me. he loves me... > > VOICE(OVER) > Not. > > A figure stands cloaked in shadows. He steps forward. > Mr. Freeze. > > FREEZE > (off his suit) CROW: Aigh! Put it back on! > It's amazing what you can buy around > here for a few dozen diamonds. > > Freeze begins coming towards her, menacingly. MIKE: Schwarzenegger could be wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit and he'd still be menacing! > > FREEZE > Prepare for a bitter harvest. > Winter has come at last. > >595 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - DAWN > > Morning breaks on the great old building. TOM: As does wind. > >596 A PILE OF PIZZA BOXES - CLOSE > > PULL BACK TO REVEAL > >597 INT. WAYNE MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAWN > > World War III was lost in this room. Strewn clothes. > Barbara dozes on the couch. Dick paces. Bruce stands, > staring out the window, afraid he has lost Alfred forever. > > (OVER) a THROAT CLEARS. LOUDER. > > All look up. Alfred is descending the stairs. Scowling. TOM : I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Kane. > > BRUCE > Alfred, are you...? CROW: No, I'm dead you twit! > > ALFRED > Rather disappointed at how poorly > I taught you proper housekeeping. > (a beat) > And quite well, it seems. Thanks > to you, son. Thanks to you all. > > The three move to him. A family reunion. Dick turns to > Bruce. CROW: For so much . . . > > DICK > One question. When Batgirl and I > rolled off the telescope, how > come you didn't try and save us? > It was the first time I fell and > you weren't there to catch me. MIKE: Because I resent you, you Gen-X snot. > > BRUCE > I know you could handle it. > > Barbara CLEARS her throat. Dick shoots her a look. > > BRUCE > Sometimes counting on someone else > is the only way to win. > > BARBARA > Hey, I'm the one who kicked Ivy's > botanical butt. Personally. Me. I did. CROW: Geez, it's John Galt in leather tights . . . > > BRUCE > You are going back to school. > > DICK > You're never going to win this > argument, Bruce. > > Barbara extends her hand. > > BARBARA > Partners? > > A beat. The other heroes follow suit. A team is born. TOM: By everyone extending their hands? > > BRUCE & DICK > Partners. TOM: Do you, Bruce and Dick, take each other to have and to hold, with Batgirl(tm), in Mental Sickness and Mental Health, against the Penguin(tm) or the Joker(tm) . . . CROW : Yes, let's make lots more bad movies together! > > ALFRED > We're going to need a bigger cave. > >598/599 OMITTED > >600 EXT. BATSIGNAL - NIGHT > > Three costumed avengers race into the night. > > FINAL FADE TO BLACK > > > > THE END MIKE : Yes! We've done it! TOM: It's about the gear, folks! It's about the gear! [THEY EXIT TRUMPHANTLY] [SOL BRIDGE. THREE LARGE CONTAINERS MARKED 'NANITE(tm) PORTABLE SHOWERS' HAVE SOUNDS OF WATER FLOW COMING FROM THEM] MIKE
: You guys feel clean yet? CROW : No, I need to scrub myself with lye a bit more. TOM : I'm almost there Mike. I found thinking about John Byrne and Grant Morrison helps. [THE SOUNDS FROM MIKE'S CONTAINER STOP. HE STEPS OUT, WRAPPED IN A TOWEL. ENJOY, FOLKS] MIKE: I think I scrubbed the script off. Whew! [CROW AND TOM EMERGE FROM THEIR CYLENDARS, ALSO WEARING TOWELS] TOM: Did that stink or what? CROW: Like a dead woodchuck Tommy. MIKE: I'm glad I didn't SEE the film. TOM: At least we're away from Pearl, Bobo, and Observer. CROW: Yeah, the Witch, the Ape, and Casper the Unfriendly Host! TOM: Yeah, Blondie, Furry, and Whitey . . . MIKE: Yeah . . . [LIGHTS FLASH] MIKE: Uh-oh. We've got . . . [PEARL'S SPACECRAFT. NEITHER SHE, BOBO, NOR OBSERVER LOOK HAPPY] PEARL: My ears are burning Nelstone. BOBO: Oh, then let me put them out, Lawgiver . . . PEARL: Touch me and you're a carpet, Bobo. BOBO: OK. OBSERVER: Pearl, please, you were about to threaten Mike and his cohorts? PEARL: Thanks. Well, Mike, you thought you escaped, you thought you'd gotten away . . . [SOL] MIKE: Well, yeah. [PEARL'S SPACECRAFT] PEARL: Well, guess what I found here in the Phantom Zone(tm), Nelsonide. A few fellow travellers who were busy fighting among themselves gave it to me. [PEARL LIFTS A SCRIPT] PEARL: Get ready for something stinky, Mike. SUPERMAN REBORN!!!!! > IVY > Not good. \ | / \|/ --- o --- /|\ / | \