MiSTing: Batman Forever [Int SOL. The desk is covered with three neat stacks of comic books. No one is visible. They jiggle occasionally] TOM: [V.O.] All right, I bet you don't have the first appearance of Latex Lad! CROW: [V.O., laughs evilly] Oh, foolish mortal! It's right here is Moose Man #37. TOM: [V.O.] Prove it! CROW: [V.O.] Here it is. [MIKE walks up, watches. Only his head is visible over the comics.] TOM: [V.O.] No, I mean unbag it and *show* me! CROW: [V.O., horrified] *UNBAG* it? Are you *insane*? MIKE: You mean you have all these comics and you never read them? CROW: [Head pops up over comics] Heathen. I'm a co-*lec*-tor! [back down again.] MIKE: [Something at the base of one of the stacks catches his eye] Oh, *wow* ... is that *really* Violence Lad number *one*? Let me see! [ducks down behind comics] CROW: [V.O., horrified again] NO! Don't! You're gonna -- [Too late. Every single comic spills out of their neat stacks into a godawful mess, revealing CROW, TOM and MIKE. The COMMERCIAL LIGHT begins to flash.] MIKE: [Sheepish] We'll be right back. [Reaches for COMMERCIAL LIGHT. CROW begins to peck him in the arm as he does so.] [CUT TO: MST3K LOGO.] MIKE: [V.O. as fade to commercial] Ow! Quit! I said I was sorry, Crow, I -- OW! Hey! [Commercials: "Condoms, man! It's repression, man!" -- yeah, like this guy would ever have to worry about being in a position to need one. "She'll try to burn you. She'll try to freeze you. She'll try to drown you." -- She'll try to kill you with a forklift, hoo hoo! Insert local annoying commercial -- this time, it's going to be Rite-Rug! Call Mr. Edwards! And tell him he needs new commercials! ] [Interior SOL. All are busy with preparations for festivities. A large banner hangs across the back, reading "Michael Keaton Fan Club". GYPSY is helping MIKE string black and gray streamers. SERVO is going over a clipboard with CROW.] TOM: Banner? MIKE: Check. CROW: Bunting in festive gray and black? GYPSY: [muffled, still has bunting in her mouth] Chmfk. TOM: Cheez-Whiz? [Silence. All pause. TOM panics first.] TOM: Oh, my God, no! We forgot the Cheez-Whiz! Oh, the humanity! [collapses on table, sobbing.] MIKE: [Finishes hanging the the streamer, comes over to console TOM] It's okay, see, I made extra guacamole! TOM: [looks up briefly at the bowl MIKE indicates, then slumps back down, sobbing even harder.] [D13 -- Close-up, DR. FORRESTER, looking unusually chipper.] DR.F: Problem, guys? [SOL] MIKE: Nothing we can't handle, sir. You wouldn't happen to have any Cheez-Whiz handy, would you? [D13 -- DR. FORRESTER reaches into a pocket and produces a can.] DR.F: Well, what do you know about that? [Walks over to UMBILICUS, puts it in.] Here you go, guys. [SOL -- in b.g., MIKE is retrieving the aerosol cheese from GYPSY'S mouth.] TOM: Hey, Dr. F, you're really an okay kind of guy! CROW: Yeah, and I'm really sorry about all the names I've called you and stuff. MIKE: [coming forward to between TOM and CROW] Yeah, and we really appreciate getting to see the new Batman movie. GYPSY: You're not such a bad mad poopie after all. [D13] DR.F: [A little sheepish] Well, gee, thanks guys. [In b.g., wrapped in a towel, drying his hair is ... DR. FORRESTER? He watches the other DR. FORRESTER closely, slowly coming forward.] 1st DR.F: [the one in the foreground, hasn't noticed the other FORRESTER yet] I figured after all you've been through, you deserved a break. 2nd DR.F: [the towel-wrapped one] Excuse me? I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester. Who are you, what are you doing here, and why do you look familiar? 1st DR.F: [Turns, grabs 2nd DR. FORRESTER by the shoulders.] Clayton! [Kisses him on both cheeks] Don't you recognize me? I'm your long-lost twin brother, Sherwood! [SOL] ALL: [completely incredulous] *SHERWOOD* *FORRESTER*? [D13] CF: [CF=Clayton Forrester] I don't have a twin! SF: [SF=Sherwood Forrester] Yes you do! Me! Oh, and I took the liberty of setting up your experiment for you. [To camera] Here it comes, saps: BATMAN FOREVER, starring . . . *VAL* *KILMER*. [SOL -- Stunned silence for a brief moment. The Michael Keaton Fan Club banner falls forlornly to the floor. Then, MOVIE SIGN and all run.] 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... [THEATRE -- As usual, MIKE carries in SERVO, and is followed by TOM.] > B A T M A N F O R E V E R > > > Written by > > AKIVA GOLDSMAN > > PRODUCTION DRAFT > ---------------- > June 24, 1994 > > > 1 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT 1 > > A castle of shadow. (OVER) RAIN, HOWLING evil wind. > Sudden lightning CRACKS, illuminates the aged structure, > the hanging metal sign. ALL: It was a dark and stormy night . . . d'oh! > 2 INT. ASYLUM CORRIDORS - NIGHT 2 > > DR. BURTON, the Chief Psychiatrist moves down the old > hallway, face tense. He steps through a doorway into... CROW: The Hollywood Squares! > 3 INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY - NIGHT 3 > > Security cells. Criminal maniacs sealed behind protective > casings. CROW: To preserve freshness! > A GUARD stands before a heavy door. > > GUARD > Hell of a night, huh Doc? > > BURTON > Hell's in here. MIKE: You know, hell is where the heart is. > Hydraulics HISS. The cell door unseals. MIKE: HISS? Is that some acronym? TOM: *H*ere *I*s a *S*tupid *S*cript. MIKE: That was pretty good. > 4 INT. SECURE ISOLATION CELL 4 > > Small. Walls, ceiling, floor, padded. A single window > casts the room in pallid moonlight. > > A figure sits in shadow, bound by the wraps and ties of a > straight jacket, gaze fixed out the window. > > Lightning flashes, brightening the room. THUNDER CRACKS. TOM: And then breaks into millions of tiny bits. > > DR. BURTON > Mr. Dent... MIKE: Mr. *Arthur* Dent? You're a jerk. A complete kneebiter. > No answer. Burton steps closer. > > DR. BURTON > Counselor... CROW: Geordie? Worf? > > Still nothing. Another step. > > DR. BURTON > Harvey.... > > Burton reaches towards the figure. > > DR. BURTON > Harvey are you alright... MIKE: Oh my God, he's turned into a six-foot tall rabbit! > Burton touches his shoulder. Lightning flashes as... > > THE BODY WHIPS around. An orderly, gagged, sits bound to > the chair with bedsheets. TOM: Harvey was feeling pretty frisky, apparently. > The sheets around the chair have been rigged. Now they > yank him up so he spins frantically from the ceiling fan. > > Lightning flashes again, illuminating a madman's scrawled > writing on the wall. > > WRITING - CLOSE. "The Bat Must Die!" THUNDER CROW: Jeez, I wonder who he means. MIKE: I'm betting it's not that he hates baseball. > 5 EXT. GOTHAM CITY SKYLINE - SUNSET - FALL 5 > > Gothic towers of granite and glass shimmer golden in the > late day sun. > > 6 MOVE IN towards the city as an executive helicopter 6 > CROSSES FRAME. Through the window BRUCE WAYNE, still > handsome but a few lines starting to show, CROW: If he'd've learned his lines already, he wouldn't have to bring them on-camera with him. > sits watching > a seatback video screen. > > 7 CONTINUE In over Gotham Harbor towards the skyline as 7 > (OVER) A NEWSCASTER talks. > > NEWSCASTER > ...And in Gotham City, ex-District > Attorney Harvey Dent escaped from > Arkham Asylum for the Criminally > Insane. > > 8 CLOSER on a single building, its power generated by a 8 > small but mighty dam below. A glowing sign reads Wayne > Enterprises. MIKE: Aw, it's the little dam that could. > > NEWSCASTER (OVER) > Dent, once Gotham's leading > contender for Mayor, was horribly > scarred during an indictment hearing > over a year ago. MIKE: Judge Ito really hated him. > HOLD on a single window. MOVE IN TOM: Break THROUGH the GLASS and BLEED PROFUSELY. > 9 INT. BRUCE WAYNE'S OFFICE 9 > > Elegant. Oak. A wall monitor runs the same newscast. > > 10 INSERT SCREEN 10 CROW: Right into the document via OLE! > Dent questions a crime boss on the stand. A thug throws a > vial of acid toward Harvey, searing half his face. > > NEWSCASTER (OVER) > Dent, whose left-brain was damaged > during the assault, launched a > grizzly crime spree before being CROW: Grizzly crime spree? He stole bears? > captured by The Batman. He is > extremely dangerous. Repeat.... ALL: He is extremely dangerous... > 11 WIDER 11 CROW: Deeper! > Bruce Wayne ENTERS, his Armani suit the only thing fresh > about him, followed by a sudden stream of EXECUTIVES, > SECRETARIES, ASSISTANTS and GOTHAM SOCIETY MATRONS. > > EXECUTIVE > The solar generator tests are back. TOM: It's pregnant. > BRUCE > Uh... great, could you wait a > second... > > ASSISTANT > The Mayor's office called again - CROW: Touch his wife again and he'll kill you. > SOCIETY MATRON > Who are you asking to the circus - > > SECRETARY > Five minutes to your inspection - CROW: So strip down. > BRUCE > Stop! ALL: Hammer time! > Everybody freezes. MIKE: Someone turn down the air conditioner! > BRUCE > Okay, I want you all to just stand > here for fifteen seconds, okay? > Fifteen, everybody got it? > > Folks nod. CROW: And in the audience, folks nod *off*. > BRUCE > Good. Nobody move, now. > > And with that, Bruce turns and walks out. TOM: Accompanied by half the audience. > BRUCE > (to himself) > I gotta give myself a raise... CROW: Apparently walking around in spandex cramped his sense of humor as well. > 12 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - ELECTRONICS DIVISION - TWILIGHT 12 > > Endless work-spaces stretching into infinity. MIKE: An effect achieved by placing two mirrors in front of each other. > Bruce, a Junior Exec ENTOURAGE trailing, tours an > assembly line where robotic arms weld laser tools. TOM: Hey, is that Al Gore? > FRED STICKLEY, a fuss-budget plant manager, leads. > > STICKLEY > Your weekly inspections are a > departmental highlight. TOM: Since working here is otherwise a life of quiet desperation. > BRUCE > Really? > (a warm smile) > You all need to get out more. CROW: The sense of humor comment stands. MIKE: I think Val is short for "Valium" > 13 CRANE UP high over the factory floor, across acres of 13 > assembly lines and work stations. > > ANGLE DOWN on > > 14 INT. EDWARD NYGMA'S WORK STATION (CONTINUOUS) 14 CROW: "E. Nygma"? I wonder who THIS will turn out to be. > A clutter of computer parts. Paperwork everywhere. > Rubik's cubes, games, dozens of puzzle books all boasting > the green suited caricature of "The Guesser". TOM: Who is like the Thinker, but dumber. > 15 MONITOR-CLOSE. A crossword puzzle. 15 > > Features reflect over the acrostic. The two images > resolve into one; the face itself is a puzzle. > > 16 REVERSE ANGLE 16 > > EDWARD NYGMA, awkward, brilliant and feverishly anxious > stares up at the screen, TALKING to himself. > > EDWARD > We'll probably go to the house for > dinner. Yes. Yes. Maybe he'll throw > a little party in my honor. TOM: Maybe I can tell him how I really feel. > Suddenly Edward BANGS his head against the desk-top. > Hard. A brief window on the inner Edward, all insecurity > and self loathing. CROW: Like the audience. > EDWARD > Idiot! Should have rented a tuxedo. > (suddenly calm) > Relax. I'm sure Wayne manor has > extra. After all, we're almost the > same size. MIKE: Hey! That's pretty personal! > 17 The opposing wall is a shrine to Bruce Wayne: newspaper 17 > headlines, a GQ cover, magazine photos. > > 18 Approaching COMMOTION. 18 TOM: Commotion usually likes to sneak up on people, but in this case it doesn't care. > EDWARD > Oh my God. It's him. ALL: Randolph Scott! > 19 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - BREAK AREA 19 > > Workers greet the boss. Bruce is friendly, welcoming, > Edward appears on the edge of the group. > > Stickley spots Edward. A cloud crosses his face. CROW: Spraying lightning bolts up his nose. > STICKLEY > Well, Mr. Wayne, on to R&D? TOM: Or maybe some B&D and S&M ASAP? > Stickley rests his hand on Wayne's elbow. Begins to steer > him away. Not in time. MIKE: But in space. > Edward steps forward. A man so uncomfortable, his very > skin seems to be a costume. He marches right up to Wayne, > takes his hand, fawning, the burning eyes of a sycophant. > > BRUCE > Mr...? CROW: Miss, actually, but that'll be our little secret. > EDWARD > Bruce Wayne. In the flesh. CROW: Is "In the flesh" his last name? > BRUCE > (easy going) > Um...I'm pretty sure I'm Bruce > Wayne. And you are? MIKE: Pathetic. > EDWARD > Nygma. Edward Nygma. You hired me. > Personally. Just like I tell > everyone. > (sotto voce) > Well, we've never actually met, but > your name was on the hire slip. > > He still hasn't let go of Bruce's hand. > > BRUCE > I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed. CROW: I have a date tonight. TOM: I hope it's with someone else ... > EDWARD > What? Ah yes. Of course. I'm sorry. > It's just that...you're my idol. > (off Stickley) > And some people have been trying to > keep us apart. CROW: Am I imagining it, or is this new Riddler just a bit... MIKE: You're imagining it. I hope. > BRUCE > Mr. Nygma, you'll forgive me for > being rude. But what exactly is on > your mind? TOM: A skull, several layers of skin, and some hair. > EDWARD > Precisely. What's on all our minds? > Brainwaves. The future of Wayne > Enterprises is Brainwaves! TOM: Of which the scriptwriters probably needed a lot more! > It's hard to imagine anyone more awkward. The effect is > painful. Folks stare, mouths wide. > > STICKLEY > (sotto voce) > I really do apologize, Mr. Wayne. > His project was terminated this > morning... > > EDWARD > (ignoring Stickley) > Let me ask you something, Bruce. > What is man's greatest tool? MIKE: I vote the corkscrew. TOM: I say the clothes hanger. CROW: And the answer is . . . > A few of the WOMEN SNICKER. For a second, Edward's face > twitches, a crack in the facade. > > EDWARD > Man's greatest tool is...The mind. MIKE: I was close. TOM: You were not. MIKE: Yes I was. Whoever wrote this is twisted. > 20 Edward gestures to his cubicle. A rat's nest cluttered 20 > with components of his Rube Goldberg-like invention. CROW: Including "Mr. Boingy." > 21 EDWARD 21 > Voila. While holographically > enhancing any TV picture, my > invention connects directly to the > viewer's brain, puts the audience > inside the show. Think of the > entertainment problems we can solve. MIKE: The need for plot, for believable acting . . . . > STICKLEY > I can think of a couple problems > that need solving right here. > > A few more folks CHUCKLE. Edward looks around. Another > ripple of anxiety, another quick recovery. > > EDWARD > Why be brutalized by an uncaring > world? My RES Box will give Joe Q > Public a realm where he is king. > (sultry) > Not that someone like you would need > it. Someone so intelligent. Witty. > Charming. But for the lonely, the... CROW: People exactly like my alienated sexually ambiguous self. > STICKLEY > Paranoid? The psychotic? > > EDWARD > (didn't miss it) > ...The Box can change their lives. > (looking around) > Our stock coupons will spike. TOM: Then run around dancing in the endzone, humiliating our opponents! > Edward turns, actually CLAPS Stickley on the back. MIKE: What is the sound of one back clapping? > EDWARD > Hell. Might even bring old Stickley > here a few extra bucks. Huh, Fred? > > STICKLEY > Fred? MIKE: Ethel? Ricky? Lucy? > Bruce takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes in vague > disbelief, cleans the lenses. TOM: He has lenses in his eyes? > EDWARD > Wayne Enterprises will spearhead an > entertainment revolution. CROW: Which will be about as much fun as the French Revolution, judging by this script. > Edward removes his glasses, cleans them in exactly the > same manner as Bruce. > > EDWARD > I just need a bit of additional > funding. For human trials. Let me > show you.... TOM: Let me touch you. Let me take you into my world. > Bruce seems about to speak when suddenly - > > 22 THE BATSIGNAL 22 > beams bright against the night clouds over Gotham City. > > 23 BRUCE 23 > (time to move) > Maybe some other time.. > > EDWARD > I want you to know, we'll be full > partners in this, Bruce. > (waxing rhapsodic) MIKE: And waning interest. > What talks we'll have, late into the > night. Now, I'm not used to business > travel, so go easy on me. As for > recognition, I'm sure after a time > I'll get used to it. > (a beat) > Look at us. Two of a kind. TOM: Wierdos who like to dress up for no sane reason! CROW: All right. I'll say it. The Riddler is gay as a tree full of parrots. Okay! I'm done. I'm glad. > Edward is suddenly aware of dozens of co-workers all > around him, SNICKERING and WHISPERING. > > EDWARD > Bruce...? > > Bruce's eyes dart again toward the Batsignal. CROW: Bruce has attention deficit disorder. > BRUCE > Call my secretary, she'll set > something up. > (turning) > Factory looks great, folks. Keep up > the good work. TOM: Return to your meaningless lives as cogs in the Waynester's money machine. > EDWARD > (desperate) > Wait. You can't go. > > BRUCE > We'll talk some other - > > EDWARD > (sudden rage) > No. Don't leave me! My invention! I > need you! > > Edward has grabbed Bruce's arm. The room goes dead quiet. > Bruce's eyes narrow. Then he dislodges gently. > > BRUCE > I'm sorry, Edward. Just feels a bit > like mind manipulation. It raises > too many question marks. CROW: Among other . . . MIKE: Don't say it, please. I'm disturbed enough as it is. TOM: *Everyone* is disturbed enough as it is. > Bruce heads off. MIKE: At the pass? > > STICKLEY > Alright everyone, back to work. > (to Edward) > We'll discuss this later. > > Edward stares after Bruce. > > EDWARD > You were supposed to understand. > > HOLD on this tiny man, all alone in the labyrinthine > work-place, eyes darkening now with growing obsession. TOM: Pancakes! > EDWARD > I'll make you understand. > > 24 INT. BRUCE WAYNE's PRIVATE OFFICE 24 > > Bruce ENTERS. MIKE: Audience LEAVES. > BRUCE > Lock. > > 25 THE DOOR - CLOSE. LOCKS. Bruce falls into a leather chair. 25 > > BRUCE > Capsule. > > 26 Suddenly the chair seat drops, fast, sliding into a 26 > transport capsule. > > 27 INT. TRANSPORT TUNNEL 27 > > The capsule shoots through the underground tunnel, lights > WHIPPING past at near super-sonic speed. MIKE: Contac capsules are filled with tiny Bruce Waynes . . . > 28 INT. CAPSULE 28 > > Speed and time readouts appear on the windscreen beside > the craggy face of ALFRED PENNYWORTH. MIKE: i'M GLaD tO SeE yOu've RetURNed sAFelY, MasTEr. > BRUCE > Alfred... CROW: ... kiss me. > 29 ALFRED 29 > I saw the signal, is. All is ready. CROW: I've pressed your toreador pants, made sandwiches, and covered the cat in Play-Doh. > 30 INT. BAT CAVE - COSTUME VAULT 30 > > Alfred watches the capsule arrive. > > 31 QUICK CUTS of glove, boot, and cape being donned. 31 CROW: Alfred's dressing up . . . > 32 INT. BATCAVE 32 > > FOLLOW Batman's feet as he steps up to the Batmobile. TOM: While the rest of him goes to the can. > ALFRED > I suppose I couldn't convince you to > take along a sandwich. > > Batman jumps into the Batmobile. CROW: And turns the radio to Z-Rock! Whoooooo! > BRUCE > (to Alfred) > I'll get drive-thru. MIKE: And pick up one of those neat glasses with me on it. > (to the car) > Go... ALL: Speed Racer, go! > 33 The car shoots a whitish-blue light from under it's 33 > belly. Hub Caps and detailing glow as The Batmobile zooms > out of the cave. TOM: And over a troop of unfortunate Brownies. > 34 INT. CAVE ACCESS TUBE 34 > > The car SHOOTS through a series of underground arches. > The car picks up speed, the blue-white fusion drive going > blue, then purple, then red. The single bat wing splits > into two as the car becomes a stealth bullet. CROW: Isn't a stealth bullet an oxymoron? TOM: Whoever wrote scenes like this is an oxymoron. MIKE: You're getting bitter, Tom. > 35 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE - NIGHT 35 > > The dark car WHIPS through a holograph of trees that > masks the entrance to the Batcave, SCREECHING onto... CROW: Several pedestrians! > 36 EXT. FOREST ROADS - NIGHT 36 > > The car speeds towards Gotham. > > 37 ANGLE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW ON 37 > > The Batsignal, cutting the darkness. TOM: Into bite-sized chunks. > PULL BACK TO REVEAL > > 38 INT. SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM - 22ND FLOOR - NIGHT 38 > > A worried THUG peers at the Batsignal out the skyscraper > window. Across a narrow abyss stands a skyscraper under > construction, all girders and scaffolding. > > 39 In f.g., a spinning silver dollar flips up into frame, 39 > blocking out the Batsignal. > > THUG 1 > Bat should show any minute, Face. > > A HAND catches the coin, flips it again. > > 40 WIDER 40 > > Witness the rakishly handsome profile of HARVEY TWO-FACE > DENT, the other side of his face hidden in shadow. > > TWO-FACE > You. Sport. Any thoughts? Counting > on Batass to rescue you? MIKE: Batass? Lovely. Could we have a few more sexually confusing remarks, there aren't NEARLY enough! > PULL BACK TO REVEAL TOM: The camera crew! Quickly pull back forward! > A SECURITY GUARD, laying on the floor, wrists and feet > bound, trembling with fear. > > TWO-FACE > _We_ sure are. > > GUARD > ...You gonna kill me? > > TWO-FACE > Might. Might not. Could say we're of > two minds on the subject. > > GUARD > I got family. ...Please. MIKE: Kill me now. I can't take Peg, Kelly and Bud any longer. > TWO-FACE > What say we flip for it? TOM: I'd say he's *already* flipped. > Two-ace shoves the silver dollar under the Guard's nose. CROW: [Two-Face voice] Here. Blow. > One side shines in mint condition. > > TWO-FACE > What could be fairer than the random > toss of an honest coin? Life... > > The other side bears deep, disfiguring burns. > > TWO-FACE > ...or death. > > GUARD > Please. I swear I won't say noth- > > TWO-FACE > The coin _wants_ to decide. CROW: I guess money talks! MIKE: Yeah, but this money is pretty mean. > 41 Two-Face flips. The coin spins, gleaming, lands on the 41 > floor only inches from the Guard's face. > > 42 Two-Face STOMPS the coin. Winks at the sweating Guard. 42 > > TWO-FACE > Exhilarating, isn't it? The > suspense? Sudden death or a new > lease on life? Really makes a man > live in the moment. > > Two-Face removes his foot. Unblemished side up. > > TWO-FACE > You're in luck. You get to live to > whimper another day. > > The Guard SOBS with relief. Harvey's Thugs GRUMBLE. TOM: The audience FIDGETS in BOREDOM. > Two-Face folds his jacket into a pillow, places it under > the Guard's head, now the nicest crook in the world. > > TWO-FACE > That floor has got to be very hard. > Is that better? > > GUARD > Uh, yeah. Thanks, Mr..uh...Face. TOM: Oh, please call me 'Two.' > TWO-FACE > Just call us Harvey. Can we get you > a sandwich? A soft drink? Given all > the trouble we caused you, how about > we cut you in for a share of > tonight's haul? > > THUG 2 > Face! For cryin' out loud! You're > not gonna pay him-- > > Two-Face turns on Thug 2 with a vengeance, shooting out a > hand that pins the fellow's throat to the wall. CROW: Unfortunately, the rest of him remains standing. > TWO-FACE > Did we ask your opinion? The coin > has rendered its verdict. This man > has a family to take care of. You > have a problem with that? > > We now see for the first time the LEFT HALF OF HIS FACE: > hideously repulsive, an acid eaten mutilation of flesh. > > THUG 2 > Oh no, Face. Anything you say. TOM: Harvey is THE poster child for manic-depressive disorder. > 43 EXT. PAN-ASIA TOWN - STREET - NIGHT 43 > > Sweeping spots. Swat teams. Police wagons. > > 44 COMMISIONER GORDON, 50s, a man who's seen enough pain 44 > for a lifetime, stands in his trademark trenchcoat, > lighting a cigarette. > > Beside him stands a beautiful, professionally dressed > young woman. DR. CHASE MERIDIAN. CROW: Yeah, like it's her real name. ALL: METAPHOR! > 45 HIGH ABOVE 45 > > The Batmobile SCREECHES to a stop on a pedestrian bridge. CROW: And on several pedestrians. > 46 THE BATSIGNAL is suddenly obscured, flows for a moment 46 > into the shape of Batman's cape as the Dark Knight leaps > 47 down past the spotlight, lands face to face with Chase. 47 > > CHASE > Hot entrance. TOM: Oh, yeah, keep them coming ... CROW: Mike, I feel dirty. MIKE: Don't we all ... > Batman turns, all business as he speaks to Gordon. MIKE: Buy AT&T, sell IBM! > BATMAN > Two-Face? CROW: No, Three-Butt. Jeez! > GORDON > Two guards dead. He's holding the > third hostage. Didn't see this one > coming. > > CHASE > We should have, though. > > The men turn to face her. > > CHASE > _Two_ million dollars waiting to be > transferred from the _Second_ Bank of > Gotham on the _22nd_ How could Harvey? > _Two_-Face resist? > > BATMAN > And you are? CROW: The gratuitious love interest. Pleased to meet'cha. > GORDON > Batman, I'd like you to meet-- > > CHASE > (offering her hand) > Chase Meridian > > GORDON > I asked Dr. Meridian to come to > Gotham to consult on this case. She > specializes... > > BATMAN > ...dual personalities. Abnormal > psychology. Washington's poster > child for the criminally insane. I > read your work. TOM: I laughed for hours. > CHASE > I'm flattered. Not every girl makes > a super-hero's night table. You > might have some interesting insights > into Two-Face. > > BATMAN > Why's that? CROW: Because you're both twisted freaks. > CHASE > Let's just say I could write a hell > of a paper on a grown man who > dresses like a flying rodent. > > BATMAN > Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian. MIKE: They're family. CROW: *I* thought they were rodents. > CHASE > I didn't know that. See? You _are_ > interesting. And call me Chase. By > the way, do you have a first name? Or > do I just call you bats? MIKE: Oh, all my friends call me 'Man.' > GORDON > May I remind you two we have a > psychopathic murderer on the loose > here? CROW: Not to mention Two-Face. > A titanic BOOM rocks the night. TOM: The microphone swings wildly, hitting people in the head left and right. > 48 SEARCHLIGHTS race up the skeletal skyscraper to REVEAL.. 48 > > A giant CRANE and WRECKING BALL. The wrecking ball > SMASHES again into the bank building. CROW: Great, we're in some investment commercial. > 49 INT. BANK OF GOTHAM - NIGHT 49 > > The already crumbling wall behind Two Face EXPLODES. Two- > Face checks his watch, unfazed, as the giant wrecking > ball CRASHES into the room within inches of the villain. > > TWO-FACE > Right on schedule. TOM: Well at least the wrecking balls run on time in this city. > Two-Face's men scramble to the hole, attach chains to... CROW: Madonna, who enjoys the experience immensely. > 50 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 50 > > ...an even thicker chain dangling 30 stories from the > roof of the construction site. CROW: Ah, close enough. > FOLLOW THE CHAIN UP as it yanks tight, revealing... > A BLACKHAWK HELICOPTER already atop the construction > site, perched on steel beams. REVVING its mighty rotors. > > 51 A giant winch aboard the Blackhawk starts to haul the 51 > safe chain over pulleys up into a cargo hatch. TOM: He's getting 2 mil for this? He just blew it all on wrecking balls and helicopter fuel. MIKE: He's insane, he's not an economist. CROW: *I* wasn't aware there was a difference. > 52 INT. - SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM. 22ND FLOOR, NIGHT 52 > > Thug 1 stares out the window. > > THUG 1 > The Bat's taking the bait! What now? TOM: Set the hook! Reel that sucker in! > 53 Harvey flips the coin. 53 > > 54 FOLLOW THE COIN as Two-Face snatches it from mid-air, 54 > slaps it on his wrist. Bad side up. > > 55 ANGLE ON - Two-Face's left side. Scarred, gloating evil. 55 > > TWO-FACE > At last, The Bat dies! TOM: What would happen if someone slipped Harvey a coin with no blemished sides? MIKE: A shorter movie. ALL: *sigh* ... > The chains suddenly yank the safe towards the hole in the > wall. Thug 2 gestures to the Guard on the floor. > > THUG 2 > What about him? > > TWO-FACE > Kill him too. > > Thug 2, grinning, draws a GUN from his waistband. > > GUARD > Wait! You said you'd let me go! > > TWO-FACE > Never heard of a double-cross? TOM: Ha ... KILL HIM! > 56 A DING from the elevators. 56 > > The Thugs and Harvey all whirl, CROW: In perfect harmony. > machine guns coming up, > open FIRE, armor piercing bullets punching holes in the > metal doors, shredding anyone inside. > > THE GUARD lays bound on the floor. Suddenly a clamp-ended > bat-cable drops from above. With a tiny CLICK, the smart- > clamp hooks onto the Guard's wrist bindings. > > 57 ELEVATORS 57 > > HARVEY AND THUGS empty magazines. Re-load. CROW: Live, Harvey and the Thugs! > TWO-FACE > Come on in, the water's fine. CROW: But the plot is terrible. > All stand watching as the now perforated elevator doors > slide, jerking, open to reveal...an empty elevator. TOM: A screaming Diana Muldaur falls by. > The skylight overhead EXPLODES and, in a rain of glass, > Batman drops to the floor on a Batrope. CROW: Is there a rule that Batman has to waste one skylight a movie? MIKE: It's in his contract. > 58 THE GUARD is apparently attached to the Batrope's other 58 > end because, as the Caped Crusader comes down, the Guard > shoots up, hoisted fast to the safe rooftop above. > > 59 FIRE DOORS 59 TOM: HIRE NEW ONES. > > BLOW open. Two SWAT teams burst in, armed for bear. CROW: What was that about Grizzly crimes? > SWAT LEADER > Police! Freeze! > > TWO-FACE > Not the guest list we had in mind. > Boys, the party's over. > > Two-Face drops a SMOKE GRENADE. Then he leaps directly > out the hole in the wall. His Thugs take off after him. TOM: Psycho criminal. Two SWAT officers. Problem? > 60 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 60 > > The Thugs come leaping through the hole, using the now > rising safe as a springboard to close the windy gap, roll > to safety on the construction site next door. They > scatter, begin scaling various beams and girders. MIKE: Hey, hey, it's the Monkees. TOM: No, it's the Flunkys! > 61 INT. BANK 61 > > Swat Teams race through the smoke in close pursuit, come > up short at the edge of the urban precipice. The safe has > risen too high, now, to serve as a springboard, so the > cops drop, begin FIRING across the gap. Suddenly... > > A DARK WING explodes out of the smoke behind them, flying > across the abyss. TOM: Which Nietzche peers into. > 62 INT. CONSTRUCTION SIGHT 62 > > A Thug fires at the figure hurling towards him. Batman > lands on the Thug's chest, smashing him to the floor. > > Suddenly, from above, BULLETS CRACK off the girders > beside the Caped Crusader's head. CROW: And girders crack beneath his feet. TOM: Oh, aren't *we* optimistic. > 63 REVERSE ANGLE 63 > > TWO-FACE glides upward, riding the wrecking ball as it > overtakes the safe, shooting down at Batman. > > 64 BATMAN starts scaling the scaffolding after Two-Face. 64 > He's climbing fast but Harvey has too great a lead. > > 65 BATMAN - POV. A motorized gantry is carrying one of the 65 > Thugs up to the roof. > > 66 Batman FIRES a Batarang. The bat-shaped clamp bites into 66 > the wooden base of the rising gantry. > > He toggles the launcher into winch mode, is hoisted fast > towards the rising gantry above. > > 67 ON THE GANTRY 67 MIKE: Elmer? > The riding Thug leans down, sees the rising shadow, grabs > the Batrope in both hands and flips over the gantry. > > 68 ON THE BATROPE 68 > > The Thug slides fast down to kicking range, draws back > his boot to dispatch Batman. > > Batman hits a switch on his launcher, increasing the > winch speed, shooting him higher, faster. He grabs the > Thug's foot in his hand, shoves him up so his head CRACKS > against the bottom of the gantry. Batman swings the > unconscious Thug onto a hanging construction hook, > leaving him dangling in mid-air by his nose ring, hoists > himself up onto... CROW: I think this is the first time I've ever seen gratuitious construction equipment. > 69 THE GANTRY 69 > > From the scaffolding above, a Thug drops to one end of > the gantry, nun-chucks spinning madly. TOM: How many nuns would a nun-chuck chuck if a nun-chuck could chuck nuns? > Behind Batman, another Thug drops INTO FRAME, drawing a > machine pistol. MIKE: As opposed to an organically-grown pistol? TOM: Trapped in the frame, he fires helplessly. > Batman reaches forward, grabs the Thug's spinning nun- > chuck, stunning his face with the wooden sticks. In a > single move, Batman spins and lets the weapon fly into > the pistoled assailant, knocking him flat. CROW: Another two-dimensional character. > 70 BATMAN - POV. Two-Face has reached the chopper. 70 > > 71 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 71 > > Two-Face climbs into the chopper's cargo bay. > > TWO-FACE > (to the pilot) > Let's fly. TOM: Please fasten your seatbelts. Your movie for this flight is "Sybil." > 72 EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT 72 > > Batman sees the helicopter start to rise, pulling the > safe overhead along with it. > > 73 Batman jumps, drops through the abyss between the two 73 > buildings, landing on... MIKE: The camera man! > 74 A HIGH TENSION WIRE - CLOSE. The wire bends like a bow, 74 > shooting Batman like an arrow straight into the air. CROW: Into the helicopter blades which turn him into sauerkraut. The movie ends. We throw up, and we're outa here. TOM: No. MIKE: Anyone else have a problem with the physics involved here? CROW: Beyond the fact that the cliches and serendipity are pushing maximum density, you mean? > 75 Batman grabs the rising chain, slides down it's links so 75 > he is standing atop the safe. > > 76 He FIRES a Batarang into the bank wall, making an anchor, 76 > attaches the Bat-cable to the hitch atop the safe. CROW: So he can do a bat-stunt. > 77 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 77 > > The chopper is straining against Batman's bank-embedded > tether. Two-Face looks down in fury. > > TWO-FACE > The man is taking his job > _much too seriously_. TOM: But you're the model of good-natured humor, eh linguini-puss? > 78 EXT. TOP OF SAFE - NIGHT 78 > > Batman palms a compartment on his utility belt and a > small delivery mechanism SNAPS a tiny acetylene torch > into his gloved hand. > > A BLUE FLAME ignites. CROW: His cape. > Batman starts to cut the chains. > > 79 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT 79 > > Batman's torch slices the last link. Batman reaches up > and grabs the winch chain, is jerked suddenly upward with > the now un-tethered chopper as... > > 80 THE SAFE 80 > > now freed, swings like a pendulum on it's anchor line, > arcing straight for the hole in the bank wall from which > it was originally drawn. MIKE: Jeez ... most people just draw *checks* from a bank! > 81 INT. BANK BUILDING 81 > > The safe comes flying through the hole, sliding across the > floor and SLAMMING back into place before the bewildered > faces of the SWAT team. CROW: Batman has a court appearance tomorrow to have his name legally changed to "Serendipity Man". > 82 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 82 > > Two-Face stares out the side of the chopper. MIKE: He doesn't believe it, either. > TWO-FACE > That was our money. > > Two-Face grabs the controls from the pilot. > > TWO-FACE > He wants to play. Fine, let's play. CROW: Get out the cards! > 83 Two-Face pulls back on the throttle, the chopper shooting 83 > straight up into the sky like a rocket. > > 84 EXT. GOTHAM SKY - NIGHT 84 > > Batman hangs from the chain, trailing the chopper, a wing > of shadowy quicksilver disappearing into the night. TOM: Crashing into the road below, ending his life, and we're outta here. MIKE: I wish you guys would stop that. > 85 EXT. ARKHAM SQUARE - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING 85 > > Gotham's Times Square. Tall. Narrow. The crawl of bumper- > to-bumper traffic. Glutted with neon signs and giant > animated billboards. TOM: It's Tokyo but with less taste! MIKE: I thought that was Las Vegas. > 86 The helicopter ROARS into view. BATMAN hangs on for dear 86 > life as the city rushes past. > > 87 A SERIES OF SHOTS as street folks look up in wonder. 87 TOM: I wonder how much longer this fight scene goes on? CROW: [facing MIKE] Fight scene, Mike. TOM: [same] Fight scene, Mike. MIKE: [baffled] Am I missing something? CROW: Yes, and you should be glad. > 88 SIGN - CLOSE. For Ginsu Knives. A couple of giant hands 88 > make fast work of a steak on a smoking barbecue. > > The chopper swings Batman _through_ the ad, falling blades > just missing him, dragging him through the thick smoke. TOM: How very Adam West of them. > The chopper swings across the square, heading for... > > 89 ANOTHER SIGN - CLOSE. This time a tremendous set of 89 > clacking teeth turn yellow to white each time the cap > lifts off of a giant tube of toothpaste. TOM: Oh, God . . . > 90 The chopper barrels straight for the opening mouth. 90 > > At the last moment the chopper banks, whipping the > dangling Batman inside the mouth. MIKE: Over the lips and through the gums ... CROW: God, I really need some Tums. > 91 The mouth closes on the Caped Crusader. 91 TOM: I *really* hope they don't find a billboard for Preparation H. > 92 The chopper pulls away, the chain pulling like floss 92 > through the closed teeth. MIKE: They should do that *twice* a day, you know. > 93 INT. MOUTH 93 > > Batman, still clutching the chain, is flying towards the > barricade of closed teeth. > > 94 EXT. ARKHAM SQUARE - MOUTH SIGN 94 > > Batman SMASHES through the two front teeth. ALL: o/~ All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth ... o/~ > 95 BATMAN - CLOSE. His face suddenly bathed in an ever 95 > brightening yellow glow. MIKE: Nasty case of jaundice, Bruce. > 96 INT. CHOPPER 96 > > TWO-FACE'S POV - THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD > > Dead ahead, another sign. This one is essentially a giant > neon sun, the Wayne Tech logo burning bright yellows and > reds over the message Solar: The Power of the Future. > > 97 Harvey GUNS the chopper's engines. 97 > > PILOT TOM: About ... > Face!!! CROW: Forward, march! > 98 EXT. GOTHAM SKY 98 > > The chopper BLOWS straight through the nova, neon > EXPLODING like stars in all directions. TOM: And metaphor flying left and right. > 99 INT. HELICOPTER 99 > > As the Pilot, in the b.g. regains control of the chopper, > Harvey walks to the hold, looks down through the hatch at > the dangling chain below. No Batman. TOM: Hey, no Batman, no movie! MIKE: No such luck. > TWO-FACE > Ah, to finally be rid of that pointy > eared, steroid eating, rubber > suited, cross dressing, night rat... CROW: It's nice to know he's not bitter or anything. MIKE: Yeah. His stay at Arkham did him a world of good. >100 THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD 100 > > a familiar blue cape falls down over the plexi-glass. CROW: Superman! MIKE: That's a red cape, Crow. CROW: Hey, I can dream. > PILOT > Uh...boss.... > > Harvey spins, draws his machine pistol. > > PILOT > No! > > Too late. Harvey SPRAYS wildly, TOM: I hope they mean SPRAYS with the GUN. MIKE: Just don't think about it. > blowing holes in the > windshield and Pilot as well. CROW: Who died without ever even getting a name. >101 EXT. HELICOPTER 101 > > The cape slips off the windscreen > >102 INT. HELICOPTER 102 > > The chopper dives. Two-Face staggers towards the pilot's > chair. He rests free the corpse, regains control. > > A FIST SMASHES through the side window into Harvey's jaw. > > BATMAN > Harvey, you need help. Give it up. CROW: [Arsenio Hall voice] Let's give it up for Harvey Dent! >103 EXT. HELICOPTER 103 > > Batman stands on one of the struts, begins trying to > climb into the open side of the speeding bird. > > TWO-FACE > Words of wisdom from our ex-friend? > > Harvey SLAMS Batman's face with his foot. He goes down. > > TWO-FACE > Mano a Mano a Bato. CROW: A plotto a crappo. > Batman pulls himself back up. Grabs Harvey's foot. Flips > him to the floor. Drags him half way out of the bird. > > BATMAN > Surrender. MIKE: Dorothy! > TWO-FACE > Ever been to Arkham, Batman? You'd > feel right at home. You took a year > of my life. So I'm here to pay you > back. There's only one way out of > this waltz. One of us dies. > > BATMAN > I won't kill you, Harvey. CROW: Well, that's pretty much decided this fight. > Batman gets Harvey by the throat. > > TWO-FACE > Batman doesn't kill? Bullshit. > (epiphinous) > You're a killer too. > > Somehow Harvey's words seem to shake Batman a beat. It's > all the distraction Harvey needs. He SMASHES Batman > across the face. > > Batman slips, falls out of sight. > >104 WINDSHIELD - CLOSE. Lady Gotham is coming up fast. 104 > >105 EXT. HELICOPTER 105 > > Batman hangs by one hand from the support strut, the bird > hurling towards the giant statue. > >106 INT. HELICOPTER 106 > > Harvey locks "The Club" onto the controls, fixing the > chopper on it's deadly course. CROW: Why does he have "The Club" in the helicopter? MIKE: Chopper-jackings. >107 Batman hoists himself into the chopper through the open 107 > side in time to see Harvey standing over the cargo hatch. > > TWO-FACE > Goodbye old pal. > > With that Harvey leaps through the cargo hatch. > >108 Batman stares frozen in disbelief as Two-Face plummets to 108 > the dark water below. TOM: Where he's picked up by the pirates. >109 Then a sudden flurry of expanding color caught in Lady 109 > Gotham's lighthouse beam, and a parachute opens over Two- > Face, unfolding into a giant Yin-Yang. CROW: Ah ... MIKE: No. >110 BATMAN - POV - The windshield SHATTERS into the statue. 110 > >111 EXT. HELICOPTER - LADY GOTHAM - NIGHT 111 > > The helicopter EXPLODES into the left side of Lady > Gotham's face. A tremendous fireball splits the night. TOM: Into two even halves. >112 EXT. GOTHAM SKY - NIGHT 112 > > Batman is falling. Still. Eyes closed. Maybe dead. MIKE: We can only hope. > FLASHES OF CROW: Hope? The final credits? A break in the film? >113 (OVER) A SCREAM. Two SHOTS. A pair of roses hit pavement. 113 TOM: Nuts. There's more. >114 A BOY runs through a storm, a book clutched in his hands. 114 CROW: He's taking the Gutenberg for a walk, how cute. >115 A FALL down a narrow stone chute, into a cave. 115 > >116 A BAT, huge, evil, SCREECHING. 116 CROW: AN AUDIENCE, unable to believe they paid to see this CRAP. > TWO-FACE'S WORDS (OVER) - "YOU'RE A KILLER TOO." > >117 BATMAN FALLING - CLOSE 117 > > Batman plummets towards the water. His eyes open. TOM: So do his bowels. >118 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR (CONTINUOUS) 118 > > Batman SPLASHES into the harbor. Dark. Still. > > Then, a familiar cowl breaks the surface, GASPING for > breath. Batman stares up at the sky. >119 PAN UP 119 > > Lady Gotham's one beautiful face now burns the night. CROW: Giving it first degree burns. MIKE: One beautiful face? >120 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - NIGHT 120 > > Dark, save the light from a single cubicle. > >121 INT. EDWARD'S WORK STATION - NIGHT 121 > > Edward sits hunched over his desk, working on his > invention. Sweat beads his brow, lips MUMBLING furiously. > > EDWARD > (obsessive repetition) > Too many questions. Too many > questions. CROW: How many roads must a man walk down? Is the bear Catholic? Does the Pope -- MIKE: *Hold* it! CROW: Sorry. Got carried away. > Edward glances up at the picture of Bruce Wayne. > > EDWARD > I'll show you it works. > > STICKLEY (O.S.) > What the hell is going on here? TOM: Why, I'm preparing to become a supervillain. And you? > Stickley stands before Edward's cubicle. Not happy. > > STICKLEY > Your project is terminated. I'm > calling security. TOM: Fine. You call security, I'll call one of those 1-900 numbers. > Stickley turns to go. Mistake. Edward CRACKS Stickley on > the head with a coffee pot. Down he goes. > > EDWARD > Caffine'll kill you. CROW: I liked it better when he was just being pathetic. >122 INT. EDWARD'S CUBICLE - MINUTES LATER 122 > > Stickley awakens to find himself strapped in a swivel > chair. Edward is placing an elaborate computerized > headband over Stickley's head. (OVER) a small TV hooked > into Edward's contraption runs a fishing show. > > EDWARD > This won't hurt a bit. > (musing) > At least I don't think it will. > > Edward reaches for a small transceiver fused to the TV. > > STICKLEY > Goddamnit, you press that button > and- ALL: Not the wed one! Nevew pwess the wed one! >123 Too late. A green beam explodes from the TV screen, 123 > engulfing Stickley. > >124 IN THE BEAM - a small holographic representation of the 124 > fisherman reeling in a prize bass. >125 STICKLEY - POV - As far as Fred is concerned he's on the 125 > shore, the fisherman's catch flapping in his face. MIKE: And this is Ed's idea of entertainment? >126 The TV signals begin to waver and tremble. 126 > > EDWARD > Loosing resolution. More power. CROW: [Scotty Voice] I canna give ye more power, Cap'n! > He increases the power toggle. BACKFIRE. A sudden white > light shoots back into the TV and up, surrounding Ed. > > STICKLEY - CLOSE. His eyes dull, glaze over. TOM: He must be watching Fox. > EDWARD - CLOSE. The effect on him seems to be quite the > opposite. Invigorating, sexual. MIKE: Like every other thing in this movie. Geez, these people would be aroused by broccoli! CROW: I didn't need to think about that. > THE BEAM-FLARES. A tiny nova. Overload. Both men SCREAM. > All light vanishes. > > EDWARD - CLOSE. His face buried in his hands. > > Edward peers up from his hands. CROW: He realizes his fingernails are a sight! > Look into his eyes. One thing is sure. Edward Nygma has > gone power mad, totally insane. MIKE: So there isn't much of a change. > EDWARD > (game show host) > Fred Stickley. Come on down. You're > the next contestant on I Want Your > Brain. CROW: Is it behind Neuron Number 1, Neuron Number 2, or Neuron Number 3? > (Wayne-like) TOM: So, he's gotten boring. > Nygma your machine has unexpected > side effects. A feed back loop has > caused your brain to absorb > Stickley's neural energy. > (hyper) > Stickley, I've had a break- > through! And a breakdown? Maybe. > Nevertheless. I'm smarter. Hell, I'm > a genius. More than a genius. > Several geniuses. Genae. Genie. > > Ed rises, BABBLES a dazed Fred's lips with his finger. > > EDWARD > (short order cook) > Yo. Charlie. Gimmie an order of > brain deep-fry. Extra well done. > Hold the neurons. > (a scientist) > Patient exhibits symptoms of psycho > neural overload. Notation: obviously > higher settings can be dangerous to > the subject. > (pacing) > Riddle me this, Fred. What is > everything to someone and nothing to > everyone else? Your mind of course. > And now mine pumps with the power of > yours. > (urban) > New from Brain-bok. Da pump. Think > faster. Reason higher. Out-cog-nate > every homey on the court of life. Da > pump. Yeah. > (Shakespearian) > Ho! Mark. I sense an odd penchant > for the anagramatic. The acrostic. > The crypto-graphic. What doth this > bode? Answer me Marcutio, you little > runt. > (gourmet) > Fred, I must confess you were a > wonderful appetizer. Simply divine. > But now I yearn for a meal of > substance. The main course. A wide > and varied palette. Ah, to taste the > mind of a hero. A nobleman. A poet. > (Groucho) > A chick in a short skirt wouldn't be > so bad either. TOM: Well, he's earned HIS paycheck. CROW: When does he start looking for lost pets? > STICKLEY > ...Fired...your fired...your fired. > You understand?! Fired!! > > EDWARD > I don't think so. > > Edward savagely sends Stickley careening across the slick > floor still strapped to the swivel chair. > >127 Stickley heads straight for the huge round window. 127 > >128 Edward seems like he has regrets as he dashes after 128 > Stickley. The chair... >129 SMASHES THROUGH THE ROUND WINDOW 129 > > It teeters on the edge of the building, dam and RUSHING > water below. Stickley is being held on the precipice by > the long wire attached to his headband. It is really only > this that Edward came to save. TOM: Save them, and trade them with your friends! >130 EDWARD 130 > Fred. Babe. _You_ are fired. Or should > I say Terminated! > > He yanks the invention from Stickley's head and he > crashes below to certain death. Ed races back to... MIKE: The pop machine. His latest Jolt buzz is wearing off. >131 EDWARD'S CUBICLE 131 > > EDWARD > Question marks, Mr. Wayne? > > He stands staring at the picture of Bruce Wayne. > > EDWARD > My work raises too many question > marks? > MIKE: I think Mr. Wayne was pretty clear about that, Ed. > In a frenzy, Edward begins tearing up the magazines lying > on his desk, ripping out individual words, pasting them > quickly onto a blank piece of paper. TOM: Woozle blowtorch noogie kneecap . . . > > EDWARD > Two years. 3.5762 percent of my > estimated lifespan toiling for your > greater glory and profit. > > He SMASHES the framed GQ cover of Bruce on the floor. > > EDWARD > Well, let me ask you some questions, > Mr. Smarter Than Thou. Why are you > so debonair? Successful? Richer than > God? Why should you have it all and > not me? Yes, you're right, there are > too many questions, Bruce Wayne. MIKE: Yeah, why couldn't I lose my parents, be traumatized, and spend the rest of my life wearing a batsuit and fighting colorful schizophrenics! > Edward STOMPS on the picture, pulverizing the glass. > > EDWARD > Like why hasn't anybody put you in > your place? And it's time you came > up with some answers. Starting right > now! > > A SERIES OF IMAGES- > >132 (OVER) A SCREAM. SHOTS. Roses fall to the pavement. 132 CROW: We ought to stop and smell them some time. >133 A YOUNG BOY stands staring into a parlor where two 133 > coffins rest. Thomas and Martha Wayne. Dead leaves whip > through the hallway. > >134 SMALL HANDS touch a leather bound book. Suddenly the 134 > pages are splattered with blood. Wind blows out two > flickering candles. MIKE: Clive Barker's "Books of Blood." >135 THE BOY runs through a dark, stormy night, the book 135 > clutched in his hands. He slips. A sinkhole. > >136 A FALL down a narrow chute. The boy lands in a dark cave. 136 > >137 A GIANT MONARCH BAT, fangs bared, SCREECHES towards us. 137 TOM: Monarch bat? What is that, like a monarch butterfly. CROW: More of a moron butterfly. Didn't we just see this flashback? > TWO-FACE (V.O.) > You're a killer too. TOM: We know! Stop with the voice-overs! >138 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BRUCE'S BEDROOM - MORNING 138 > > In his bed, Bruce wakes, trying to blink away the images. > Alfred draws the curtains, welcoming rich autumn sun. > > ALFRED > The dreams again, sir? > > BRUCE > I think they're getting worse. TOM: The hamsters have started playing accordions. > ALFRED > It's a wonder you sleep at all. > > As Bruce sits up, Alfred notices a fresh set of bruises. > > ALFRED > What a marvelous shade of purple. TOM: Visting Madame Kitty's House of Discipline again, Master Bruce? > Bruce shoots him a look. CROW: Which ricochets off of his face. > ALFRED > Really, sir, if you insist on trying > to get yourself killed each night. MIKE: If I was trying to get myself killed, I'd be dead by now! > Alfred picks up Bruce's carelessly-tossed Batsuit from > the floor. Ripped, dented, punctured. CROW: Folded, spindled, mutilated. > ALFRED > ...Would it be a terrible imposition > to ask you to take better care of > your equipment? > > BRUCE > Then you'd have nothing to complain > about. > > ALFRED > Hardly a worry, sir. TOM: I'm just an underpaid menial working for a psychotic who runs around at night getting beaten to a pulp by madmen. > Alfred brings a robe, holds it out for Bruce. > > ALFRED > Commissioner Gordon phoned. There's > been an accident at Wayne > Enterprises. CROW: The real plot was found beaten and tied up in the breakroom. >139 INT. - WAYNE ENTERPRISES - MORNING 139 > > As the window is replaced in b.g., Edward Nygma stands > SOBBING before the head of personnel. With augmented > brain power apparently comes augmented acting talent. CROW: But not enough to save the movie. > EDWARD > (inconsolable) > Why? Oh, why? I can't believe it. > Two years. Working in the same > office. Shoulder to shoulder, cheek > to cheek, MIKE: Heart to heart, Satchel to Paige! > ---we're talking face, by > the way---and then this. > > (handing her a note) > I found this in my cubicle. You'll > find the handwriting matches his > exactly as does sentence structure > and spelling. TOM: Ah, the wonders of Microsoft SuicideNoteWriter 2.0 for Windows! > (suddenly sobbing again) > I couldn't possibly continue on > here. The memories. I'll just get my > things. > >140 ANOTHER ANGLE 140 > > Edward slips out a side door, quickly avoiding Bruce and > Gordon as they walk towards Bruce's office. > > GORDON > We've questioned everyone who worked > on the floor. Computer records show > no one going in or out after > Stickley. > > BRUCE > Computer records can be forged. > I'll have my people pull up -- CROW: My shorts and give me the wedgie from hell! > A cop hands Gordon the forged note. CROW: If he knows its forged, why is he giving it to the commissioner? MIKE: Lovely, a script for the plot-impaired. TOM: *Written* by the plot-impaired. > GORDON > Suicide. With all due respect, leave > the police work to us. We'll be in > touch. > > As the Commissioner exits, Bruce heads into his office, > followed by his secretary, MARGARET. > >141 INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS) 141 > > MARGARET > The society matrons of Gotham have > called a record thirty-two times. > Not to mention the press. I think > that if they don't know soon who you > plan to take to the charity circus, > the world will most surely come to > an end. TOM: Ah, the Four Dates of the Apocalypse. > Bruce notices an envelope on his desk. CROW: Nothing gets past Brucie-boy! > BRUCE > What's this? CROW: I take that back. > MARGARET > I don't know. I didn't see anyone... > > BRUCE > No postmark. No stamp. TOM: A threatening letter sent postage due. > Bruce opens the envelope. > >142 LETTER - CLOSE. A photo of Bruce. Below: letters cut from 142 > newspapers and magazines read: > > (RIDDLE#1) (to be written) > signed -The Riddler MIKE: Hey, the script isn't finished! TOM: They'll just use RiddleWriter for Windows NT from Microsoft and insert it via OLE. CROW: Then the entire Riddle will crash their network for a week! >143 Bruce raises an eyebrow. 143 MIKE: Interesting exercise regimen. CROW: Forehead by Soloflex! > BRUCE > The Riddler? Why can't anyone in > this town have a normal name? CROW: Now this constitutes a perspective problem. > Phone RINGS. Bruce hits a switch and a desk video-phone > lights into life. Alfred. > > ALFRED > Channel 12, sir. > > Bruce presses a button and Alfred's image shrinks to a > small box in the corner, TOM: Crushing him to death. > superimposed atop a TV picture. > >144 ON SCREEN - 144 > > A talk show in progress. A radiant black host: VONDELLE > MILLIONS talks to a panel of experts. CROW: "The Riddler" is downright Minnesotan compared to "Vondelle Millions". > VONDELLE > --joined us, we're talking about the > mutilation of Lady Gotham, caused > late last night by Batman- > >145 BRUCE 145 > _Excuse_ me?! TOM: *burp!* Shouldn't've had Mexican for breakfast! > VONDELLE > -- will take up to nine months to > repair. Today's topic: Batman-crime- > fighter or criminal? > > BATMAN > How 'bout Two-Face? Anyone here > heard of him? ALL: Who? > The shot WIDENS to reveal the panel. > >146 ON SCREEN - Our first expert: DR. JANISLAUS ROYCE. 146 > > ROYCE > Batman is a major cause of crime in > Gotham. So-called super-villains > seek him out hoping to prove > themselves in violent conflict. > Batman does not deter crime, he > invites it. CROW: He serves it afternoon tea with croissants. > VONDELLE > I'm sure our audience objects to > your gender bias. Batperson. CROW: Batman wears an outfit that makes him look laminated, and she's *not* *sure* it's a *guy*? > The second expert PIPES in, DR. DAVID AIMS. TOM: Readys! > AIMS TOM: Fires! > What is the Dark Knight's credo? MIKE: You gotta fight for your right to party! > Batman does not kill? What of those > slain during his fight with Jack > Napier aka Joker? Or in his > Christmas conflict with the orphan > Cobblepot? Batman belongs behind > bars, not his morally disadvantaged > victims. > > CHASE (O.S.) > > Bull (bleep)! CROW: Oh, don't step in the bull (bleep) it'll mess up your new boots! >147 WIDER 147 > > Chase sits at the end of the panel. > > VONDELLE > What did you say? > > CHASE > Which part of the word didn't you > understand? TOM: The (bleep) part, actually. >148 Watching, Bruce sits a little straighter, more hopeful. 148 MIKE: I hope they're referring to his spine. > BRUCE > I could like this woman. MIKE: I'm trapped in space, and I couldn't like this woman. TOM: Really makes you miss Nuveena? MIKE: Shut up. >149 CHASE 149 > Batman is a _reaction_ to the crime in > this city, not a creator of it! > Without him many more would be dead. > Batman is a true hero... > > VONDELLE > Hey, Doc, got the hots for Batman? > > HOOTS and HOLLERS from the audience. > > CHASE - CLOSE. Busted. TOM: In a Wonder Bra! >150 On screen, a graphic: BATMAN: CRIMEFIGHTER OR CRIMINAL? 150 > > VONDELLE > What do you think? Call us at... > > A HAND reaches up and SNAPS off the TV. The screen goes > black to reveal a reflection in the glass: Two-Face. > > PULL BACK TO REVEAL > > INT. TWO-FACE'S HIDEOUT - DAY > > Two-Face turns away, disgusted. MIKE: And disgusting. > TWO-FACE > Batman, Batman, Batman. God, we want > that man's blood on our hands. > >151 WIDER 151 > > LEATHER sits to one side of Harvey. Ruby lipstick, tight > leather outfit, a choker o spikes, razor blade earrings, > stroking a muzzled black doberman. CROW: Well, she's ready for High Mass. > LEATHER > Oh you are most obscene, my > frightful grotesque. CROW: Oh, baby, you make me feel so good . . . > Another set of arms entwine Two-Face. > > LACE, a submissive blonde in Victoria's Secret's lacy > best nuzzles his good side, pets a white kitten. > > LACE > Don't listen to her. You're every > girl's dream. MIKE: Until she can afford Prozac. > LEATHER > Waste Dorothy and Toto here, you and > me can get down to business. > > Harvey SLAPS Leather, hard. > > LEATHER > Harder, baby. Hit me again. > > TWO-FACE > No. > LEATHER > (hotter still) > Sadist. MIKE: Ah, yes, ANOTHER dysfunctional bat-relationship. > He turns now to Lace, caresses her face gently. > > WIDEN TO REVEAL > > Two-Face's hideaway, divided straight down the middle. > Lace's half is all light and order. Leather's domain > looks like an S&M club. MIKE: All right, that's it. Since when the hell did Batman become some ... fetishistic fantasy for twisted mutilated members of the legal profession? CROW: Feel better? MIKE: Yes. Immensely. TOM: Well, hang in there, because there's more of the scriptwriters crippled fantasy life to come. > TWO-FACE > Too many bats to fry to think about > fun. We wanna take him apart limb by > hyper-extended limb. Feel his bones > crunch in our hands. Beat him until > he's as black and blue as that > ridiculous rubber suit. CROW: Harvey knows the importance of setting goals and sticking to them! TOM: I bet he has this in his Day-Timer. MIKE: But only on one side. > Without thinking, Harvey steps over the Laceland. His > demeanor instantly changes, now more reasoned and calm. > > TWO-FACE > On the other hand, perhaps something > slow, a delicious incursion of > despair, a campaign to shatter his > psyche and bring him crumbling to > his knees. > > He wanders back across to Leatherland. MIKE: Laceland. That might be the kind of place EuroDisney needs to boost sales! > TWO-FACE > Hell. Why wait? Rupture his organs. > Shatter his spine. Still have time > for a late dinner. > > Back in Laceland. > > TWO-FACE > But simple murder? It's just too > damn simple. Besides, it's been > done. No. We need a plan. MIKE: But his other side had a plan! Sure, it involved physical mutilation, but it was a plan! TOM: Mike, you are getting way too into this. > Back to Leatherland. > > TWO-FACE > Yes. Something senseless, brutal, > savage, violent. TOM: Like the Contract With America. > Back to Laceland, stopping to add... > > TWO-FACE > Yet witty. MIKE: This act is getting real old real fast. CROW: I sense he's of two minds on this killing Batman thing. TOM: [Hits Mike] Pass it down. MIKE: [Sits there, ignoring Tom] >152 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT 152 > > Edward peddles a bicycle down a service road towards > Wayne Manor, an envelope jutting from his shirt pocket. > >153 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT 153 > > Alfred stands over a cage of bats. A hand-held scanner > producing distance readings. > > Bruce sits before his Master Console. > > BRUCE > How's the sonar coming, Alfred? > > ALFRED > A few hitches sir, but I'm confident > we'll have a prototype in no time. MIKE: So Alfred is also R&D? CROW: Repressed and dysfunctional? > BRUCE > It'll never work. > > ALFRED > I believe you said the same thing > about the Batmobile. CROW: He designs sonar, makes cars. It's SUPER-BUTLER! > (OVER) a doorbell RINGS. Alfred disappears upstairs. MIKE: Teleports, too! >154 BRUCE - OVER THE SHOULDER 154 > > Bruce works a keyboard, manipulating the images on > various screens. TOM: He can't afford a mouse? CROW: Maybe he could get one with little bat wings on it. >155 SCREEN ONE - Replays the CNN story on Two-Face 155 > >156 SCREEN TWO - Replays the Vondelle Williams show. 156 > >157 SCREEN THREE - Runs news footage of Chase. 157 > >158 As Alfred returns, Bruce splits the Chase screen, a list 158 > of psychiatric texts scrolling beside her portrait. > > ALFRED > Scholarly research? TOM: No, just preparing to get myself up on another stalking charge. > BRUCE > She has an excellent mind. CROW: And a nice a- MIKE: [clears his throat LOUDLY] > ALFRED > If I misinterpreted your interest in > the lady, I humbly apologize-- > > BRUCE > I wonder if she'd go out with me. ALL: Bwaahahahahah. Ugh. > ALFRED > Apology hastily retracted. > > Bruce freezes the image of Vondelle Williams over the > familiar graphic: Batman: Crimefighter or Criminal? CROW: He's a criminal! TOM: He's a crimefighter! CROW: Criminal! TOM: Crimefighter! MIKE: Hey, hold on you two: the new Batman's a criminal *and* a crimefighter! > BRUCE > They don't understand. They think I > became Batman to fight crime. TOM: Actually, I became Batman because I like wearing skin-tight body armor. > Bruce leans back, closes his eyes, his past never far. > > BRUCE > Do you remember the night I fell > into that cave and the bat chased > me? > > ALFRED > Your parents' wake. Rain fell like > tears. > > BRUCE > ...The night Batman was born. > (a beat) TOM: Soundly, about the head and neck. > What was I doing in the fields that > night, Alfred? CROW: You were playing "Equus" again. > What sent me running > out into that storm? I keep dreaming > about it but I just can't remember. > > ALFRED > I don't know, sir. Your dear > parents. Suddenly gone. So much > loss... > > BRUCE > I remember the bat, though. His > scream. Those eyes. I was sure the > fear would kill me. > (a beat) > In time I came to believe that if I > became a monster, that if I was > feared, I wouldn't be scared > anymore. I was wrong. > (off the screen) > They think I became Batman to fight > crime. I became Batman to fight the > fear. And instead I became the fear. MIKE: So after all these years you're admitting your a twisted psychotic fruitcake. Can we go now? > Alfred hands him an envelope. CROW: Ed McMahon says you may already be a winner! > ALFRED > Perhaps it's time you paid a bit > more attention to Bruce Wayne. There > was no one at the door, just this. > > Within, (RIDDLE #2). His expression darkens. CROW: Get out that program again, Tom. MIKE: Can we stop ragging on Microsoft? TOM: No. >159 EXT. UGLY TENEMENT - BAD NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT 159 > > (OVER) SOUNDS OF POUNDING > >160 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE EDWARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 160 > > The source of the POUNDING -- MRS. LUCERTOLA, Ed's > middle-aged, no-bullshit landlady. > > MRS. LUCERTOLA > Ya wanna cough up your rent, or do I > post an eviction notice? TOM: I don't wanna see Ed hock up a fiver. > Locks TURN. The door opens a crack. Edward peeks out. CROW: So no one can see he's dressed in his Little Bo Peep outfit. > EDWARD > Mrs. Lucertola. What a surprise. > Come in. I was just sitting down to > write the check. > >161 INT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 161 > > Mrs. Lucertola barges inside -- then stops, aghast. TOM: His place is a sight! > HER POV- > > Five people might live here. Sports magazines. Stock > market tickers. Half completed paintings and sculptures. > Blueprints. In the corner an old circus booth containing > a manikin of the green-clad, can wielding Guesser. MIKE: Tom, hand me a knife. TOM: Why? MIKE: I want to prune down this metaphor. It's getting awful thick. > MRS. LUCERTOLA > What is it exactly that you do, Mr. > Nygma? CROW: Oh, I'm pretty much a mixture of plot device and comedy relief. You? > EDWARD > My dear Ms. Lucertola. Italian, > isn't it? For lizard. How fitting. I > think the question better asked: > what is it that I don't do? > > Ed guides Mrs. Lucertola to a sofa before the TV. ALL: Not the comfy chair! > EDWARD > Most recently I have devised a way > to change the destiny of mankind and > the world as we know it, all in my > favor of course. TOM: He's become Donald Trump. > MRS. LUCERTOLA > The rent Nygma!!! > > EDWARD > Might I persuade you to take a seat > on this couch? To indulge me in a > little experiment? CROW: To slip into this leather nightie and horse mask? > He shoves her down. TOM: ... the garbage disposal. > MRS. LUCERTOLA > Hey, I got no time for- > > Edward clamps a new, streamlined headband on her head. > > EDWARD > Showtime. MIKE: HBO, and more! > He clicks on the TV. An evening soap. > > MRS. LUCERTOLA > My favorite story. TOM: As the Stomach Turns? > Atop the TV rests a small box. The next generation of his > Remote Encephalographic Stimulator. > > EDWARD > Yes. TV. Balm to the minds of the > masses. The great deadener. If only > it were more lively. But wait. I can > help. > > He hits a switch on the Box and the familiar beam engulfs > his landlady, the holographic image of the screen's > kissing couple now hovering in mid-air before her. > > MRS. LUCERTOLA > Oh my lord. > > EDWARD > Not quite. But I'm getting there. MIKE: He better put on a green mask and say "smokin'" a lot or this is gonna wear real thin. >162 MRS. LUCERTOLA - POV - She might as well be sitting on 162 > the foot of the bed as the two lovers' embrace heats up. > > Edward waves his hand in front of her eyes. Nothing. The > same dazed expression that Stickley wore. CROW: But she wears it better. MIKE: "Dazed" must be her color. > EDWARD > Now this is much better. No pain. > Just a little holographic TV to keep > your mind off the fact... > > Edward PLANTS an ELECTRODE on his forehead. > > EDWARD > ...That I'm taking your mind. > (professional) > Not your thoughts, mind you. Just > your neural energy, simply sucking > some IQ points as it were. MIKE: [Minnesota Voice] Oh, don't suck your IQ points, they'll turn all black and blue. > A GREEN-BLUE aura forms around Edward's head. CROW: *Nasty* halitosis, there, Ed. > EDWARD > (announcer) > His intelligence jumps. Ms. Lizard > don't know it. The crowd goes wild. TOM: The audience doesn't. > (CEO) > Boys, I want one of these babies in > every home. > (Clinton) > It's the new information super > highway and, pay attention now kids. > I'm the on ramp. > (ad-man) > From their brains to the TV to my > brain, with no commercial > interruptions! > (announcer) > There are seven million brains in > the Naked City... > (menacing) > ...and they're all mine! TOM: And if you add them all up, they could write this script. >163 EXT. MUNICIPAL POLICE COMPLEX - DAY 163 > > Gothic. Active. Bruce enters the complex. MIKE: I don't know if I'd describe Bruce as Gothic and Active. >164 INT. POLICE COMPLEX - CHASE'S OFFICE 164 > > Comfortable. Well appointed. Degrees on the walls. CROW: In both Celsius and Farenheight! > Chase opens her door to Bruce Wayne. ALL: No comment. > CHASE > Mr. Wayne. Chase Meridian. > > The sparks he felt from her as Batman don't fly. > > CHASE > How can I help you, Mr. Wayne? ALL: (snicker) > BRUCE > Somebody's been sending me love > letters. Commissioner Gordon thought > you might give me your expert > opinion. > > Chase spread the `Riddler' letters before her. Bruce > TAPS his fingers absentmindedly as he watches her read. > > CHASE > Psychiatrists make you nervous? > > BRUCE > Just ones this beautiful. > > CHASE > The infamous Wayne charm. Does it > ever shut off? CROW: Does it ever turn on? > BRUCE > On occasion. Usually at night. MIKE: I say we leave this one alone. BOTS: O-kay! > Bruce stops tapping, examines books on aberrant behavior. > The Dark Side. Turns a tiny wicker doll over in his hand. > > BRUCE > Still play with dolls, Doctor? TOM: It's better than walking around dressed as a rodent, why do you ask? > CHASE > She's a Malaysian dream warden. She > stands sentry while you sleep and > calms your dreams. > (off Bruce's expressions) > Need one? > > BRUCE > Me? No. Only things that need > calming in my dreams are the > Rockettes. CROW: I think the Wayne charm is installed backwards. > Chase holds his eyes a beat. Not buying. TOM: Just sub-letting. > But she lets it > go, looks back over the letters. CROW: I want to buy a vowel, Pat. > CHASE > My opinion. This letter writer is a > total wacko. TOM: Possibly even a Yakko or a Dot. > > BRUCE > Wacko? That a technical term? TOM: Please, just shoot him now and save us another hour of misery. > CHASE > Patient apparently suffers from > acute obsessional syndrome with > potential homicidal styles. Work > better for you? MIKE: No, homicidal styles work fine for me as is. > BRUCE > So what you're saying, this guy's a > total wacko, right? > > CHASE > (a slight smile) > Exactly. > > He notices batman research on her desk. Spots a framed > print hanging on the wall. A bat. > > BRUCE > You have a thing for bats? > > Chase follows his gaze. > > CHASE > That's a rorschach, Mr. Wayne. > People see what they want to. MIKE: I see a kitty. CROW: I see a bunny. TOM: I see a blot of ink. > Bruce looks back up. In fact, just an ink blot. Only he > saw a bat within it's bleeding lines. > > CHASE > I think the question would be, do > you have a thing for bats? > > BRUCE > So, this Riddler, he's dangerous? MIKE: Only if taken internally. > CHASE > What do you know about obsession? TOM: I think about it all the time! > BRUCE > Not much. CROW: I'm just an amateur. > CHASE > Obsession is born of fear. Recall a > moment of great terror in your life. > Say you associate that moment > with... > (random) MIKE: Yup, that pretty much sums up this movie so far. > ...a bat. The bat's image becomes a > cancer of the mind, grows more real > than your daily life. Can you > imagine something like that? > > BRUCE > It's a stretch but I'll manage. TOM: Oh, God, please. Please, give me Michael Keaton or give me death. > CHASE > The letter writer is obsessed with > you. His only escape may be... > > BRUCE > To kill me. > > CHASE > You understand obsession better than > you let on. > > BRUCE > No insights here, doc. Just trying > to get comfortable on your couch. CROW: Mike, do lines like these really work on human women? MIKE: Not for me. > (checking his watch) > Oops. Times up. > > CHASE > That's usually my line. > > BRUCE > Look, I'd love to keep chatting- > > CHASE > Would you? I'm not so sure. > > BRUCE > But I'm going to have to get you out > of those clothes. MIKE: No, these wouldn't work either. > CHASE > Excuse me. CROW: Why, did you burp? > BRUCE > And into a black dress. MIKE: We *are* the same size, aren't we? > Bruce throws her startled expression his best smile. TOM: She catches it, runs into the endzone, and spikes it. > BRUCE > Tell me, Doctor, do you like the > circus? > > Despite herself, Chase smiles back. TOM: And then slaps him into next month. >165 A SIGN - CLOSE - Gotham Hospital Charity Circus. 165 > > WIDER > >166 EXT. HIPPODROME - NIGHT 166 > > Immense. TOM: And immortal! MIKE [To Tom]: Where are you getting these lines? > On the lapping edge of Gotham Harbor. > > Searchlights sweep the sky. FLAGS flutter on the > Hippodrome's oval roof, Limos spill Gotham's finest. CROW: Oh, and Bruce, too. > The night of the season. > >167 INT. CENTER RING 167 > > THE FLYING GRAYSONS -- Mother, Father, and two sons all > wearing colorful red and green outfits with yellow cape- > -- race out to greet the crowd. They discard their capes, TOM: And realize their outfits are still at the cleaners. > cartwheel to four guywires. CROW: And plunge to their deaths amid raucous applause! TOM: [Mechanically] Oh - sure - ruin - the - surprise. > RINGMASTER > Ladies and gentlemen. Seventy feet > above the ground, performing feats > of aerial skill without a net, the > Flying Graysons! MIKE: Well, they don't fly so much as they plummet. > The lights dim. Spots follow each Grayson as hoist cables > whisk them up to the trapezes and high wire. > >168 ON THE TRAPEZE 168 TOM: But only for the time being. > Dad and Chris Grayson hang by their knees, upside down on > opposite trapezes. > >169 Mom jumps to Chris' hands, hangs in mid-air. Chris swings 169 > back and forth, building momentum, then sends her to Dad > in a poetic double somersault. CROW: This is one wierd family! >170 BELOW 170 > > The Hippodrome is packed solid. TOM: With nutty goodness. >171 VIP SECTION 171 > > Bruce and Chase in evening finery take their seats amidst > a barrage of flashing photographers. The Gotham Society > matrons crowd for a photo op. > > CHASE > (off the flashes) > I'm surprised you aren't blind by > now. CROW: If he says "as a bat", I'm out of here. > BRUCE > (as if he were) > I'm sorry. Who are you? MIKE: I can't believe a woman with a PhD would fall for lines like this! CROW: Mike, reproduction is really complicated for humans, isn't it? TOM: I'm amazed it's *possible* for humans! > Chase smiles. The Press and Matrons disappear. MIKE: More teleporters! > BRUCE > Now we can just sit back and watch > the show like normal folks. CROW: Just another PhD who studies wierdos and a millionaire superhero. > RINGMASTER (OVER) > Tonight's benefit has raised > $375,000 for Gotham Children's > Hospital. Let's thank our largest > single donor: Bruce Wayne. TOM: Oh, that's pretty personal. > SPOTLIGHT finds Bruce and Chase. WILD APPLAUSE. > > CHASE > (through her smile) > Like normal folks. > > BRUCE > (deadpan) > What? This isn't normal? > >172 RINGMASTER 172 > And now Richard, the youngest Flying > Grayson, will perform The _Quadruple_ > Flying Somersault! > >173 DICK GRAYSON, handsome, only happy when he is in flight, 173 > jumps to his father's hands, hangs in air. > >174 DICK'S POV - The world flips, dizzying, four times. 174 > >175 Chris catches Dick's hands. Shaky. One hand slips free. 175 > The Crowd GASPS. Dick dangles for an instant. CROW: I . . . nah, too easy. >176 Chris hoists Dick to safety. An uproarious OVATION! 176 MIKE: You know, he could be Richard, or Ricky . . . CROW: Rick . . . TOM: The R-Man . . . MIKE: But *Dick*? >177 CHASE watches Bruce. He's riveted, eyes like a child's. 177 > > BRUCE > That kid is amazing. TOM: I can't believe I asked you on a date instead of him. > CHASE > I don't get you Bruce Wayne. TOM: No one gets Bruce Wayne, he's the wind, baby! > BRUCE > Me? I'm easy. Especially after a > couple of martinis. > > CHASE > The glib, cavalier routine, it > really is an act, isn't it? CROW: No, I really think I *am* this boring, dull, and shallow. > BRUCE > Don't believe it. I'm just skin > deep. > > But he holds her eyes and in the smile that passes > between them, sweet electricity. Maybe something more. TOM: Two fiftys and a twenty, to be exact. Let's take a breather, guys. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 [D13 -- SHERWOOD FORRESTER is straightening his lab coat. He is dressed identically to CLAY, except that where CLAY wears lime green, SHERWOOD wears electric blue. CLAY is standing behind him, still bewildered.] CF: I, uh, tried to call Mom, but she wasn't answering her phone. SF: Oh, she's taking a vacation from her new job. Didn't you hear? She's the public relations rep for the Dornan campaign. Two weeks on the sunny shores of the Adriatic. CF: Oh, well, she always wanted to visit Italy ... SF: Bosnia. [There is a knock on the door.] Ah, that will be my assistant! CF: [Mouths "Bosnia?" as SHERWOOD goes to the door, turns to the camera.] Uh, guys? [SOL] MIKE: Hey, Dr. Forrester, how's it going with your brother? [D13] CF: [Annoyed, whispering] He is *not* my brother! I don't know what kind of sick game is going on here, but -- SF: [Wedges into view alongside CLAY] Ah, these must be your victims. We weren't really properly introduced, but I think they know who I am by now. I must say, Clay, that I'm impressed. Such an incredible expenditure of time and effort for such a completely pointless experiment. CF: [Some of his bravado back] Why, thank you ... Sherwood. [SOL] ALL: [snickering] CROW: "Sherwood Forrester"! What a ridiculous name! [D13] SF: *WHAT* did you say? [SOL] CROW: [still snickering] Hey, you said your assistant was coming -- who is it, Friar Tuck? [D13 -- A portly man with a tonsure and brown robes pokes his head into view.] TUCK: Yes, my son? SF: [Disgustedly.] I am *tired* of that joke! [whips out a zap gun of indeterminate design and zaps TUCK into oblivion, then holsters the gun and pulls a cellular phone from another pocket and dials.] Hello, Happy Temps? This is Sherwood Forrester. I'm afraid that temp you sent just didn't work out. Could you send me another? ... No, no, I don't think he'll be checking in again ... Yes, same qualifications, thanks ... Thanks ... Hm? *Clayton* Forrester? Yes, I *am* related. He's right here. [CLAY is gesturing wildly, mouthing "No!"] Sure. Sure. Here. [Hands the phone to CLAY.] CF: [Bobbles the phone, gets it under control and answers shakily] H-h-hello? ... Nelson? *Mike* Nelson? Why, yes, he's still working for me ... Hasn't cashed a paycheck in a year and a half? I can't imagine why ... Yes, I'm very happy with his performance ... Oh, I'll be needing him around here for the foreseeable future ... wha-HUH? Buy out his contract? ... HOW MUCH? ... By next Wednesday? ... yeah. [mechanically] You have a nice day, too. SF: [Takes the phone from CLAY'S limp hand.] Aren't they a great company? [Looks around D13] Say, Clay, where's *your* assistant? [CLAY'S eyes go wide; SHERWOOD chucks him under the chin.] Why, you rascal, did you kill him? C'mon, Clay, you can be ... FRANK ... with me. CF: [Lower lip trembles for a moment, then CLAY runs, bawling.] [SOL] MIKE: [wincing] Ooh ... low blow. CROW: This guy is *really* evil! We gotta do something! [D13] SF: [Grinning evilly] Shouldn't you boys be in the theatre, hmmm? [SOL -- Movie Sign, and general panic] 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... [ALL re-enter the theatre.] >178 THE RINGMASTER stands watching the Graysons feats of 178 > aerial wonder. Something catches his eye. TOM: Momma Grayson looks *hot* in that Spandex! >179 A GLOVED HAND extends through the curtain leading 179 > backstage, beckons him with a single finger. CROW: Hopefully, an index finger. >180 THE RINGMASTER - CLOSE. Puzzled. Steps out of the ring. 180 > >181 BACK TO BRUCE AND CHASE 181 > > BRUCE > Look, I'm rock climbing Sunday. How > about coming along? BOTS: NOT ROCK CLIMBING! MIKE: What's the matter with you two? TOM: [shuddering] It's too painful to discuss. Trust me on this. > CHASE > Bruce, much to my surprise, you seem > like a really great guy... > > BRUCE > But... > > CHASE > Well, I met someone... TOM: He's into leather ... > BRUCE > Fast work. You just moved here. > > CHASE > You could say he kind of dropped out > of the sky and bang-. I think he > felt it too. TOM: Apparently the scriptwriter didn't know if he was doing Batman or Lois and Clark. > BRUCE > He sure did. CROW: Keep those telegraphic lines open, Brucie. > CHASE > What? > > BRUCE > (awkward) > I said I'm sure he did. > > Bruce looks towards... > >182 CENTER RING 182 > > A TINY CAR, horn HONKING away, ROARS into the middle ring > and begins dislodging clowns, all tumbling out of the > cars and over each other. > >183 A new Ringmaster steps into the arena. Two-Face. 183 > > TWO-FACE > Ladies and gentlemen, and I do use > the term loosely, your attentions > please. Tonight, a new act for your > amusement. We call it Massacre Under > the Big Top. > >184 His thugs slip out of their clown costumes and seal every 184 > exit. TOM: Christmas Seals or Easter Seals? >185 They pull machine guns and start SHOOTING over the 185 > audience's heads. PANIC. SCREAMS. CROW: I don't think the thugs screaming in panic will make them more scary. >186 TWO-FACE 186 > People, people. Show some grace > under pressure. A little decorum, > please. > (into his mike) > _SHUT UP_!!! TOM: Great, we have to rely on the psycho to bring some order to the Big Top. >187 More machine gun BURSTS as Thugs move into sentry 187 > positions at each section of bleachers. Folks quiet. > >188 TWO-FACE 188 > If we may direct your attention... > >189/90 A Thug trains a spot on a crate hung in the rafters. 189/90 > >191 TWO-FACE 191 > Inside that wooden box: two hundred > sticks of TNT. > (showing a box) > In our hand: a radio detonator. TOM: In my pants, ferrets! > Two-Face presses a button. > >192 DETONATOR - CLOSE. A digital countdown. 3:00. 2:59. 2:58... 192 > >193 TWO-FACE 193 > You have three minutes. > >194 THE MAYOR 194 > What the hell do you want? > >195 TWO-FACE 195 > Want, Mr. Mayor? Just one little > thing. Batman. Bruised. Broken. > Bleeding. In a word: dead. MIKE: And you expect all that to get done in three minutes? > Two-Face turns, showing his good side. CROW: You mean, the side that *isn't* a lawyer? > TWO-FACE > Who do we have assembled before us? > Gotham's finest. Rich, Influential. > Smart. One of you must know who > Batman is. Hell, we'd lay odds one > of you _is_ Batman. > > Two-Face spins, offers his evil side. > > TWO-FACE > So, unless the bat is surrendered to > us post haste, we're off on a > proverbial killing spree. City wide > mayhem and murder. Starting tonight. > With all you lovely folks as our > very first corpses to be. You have > three ---well just under three--- > minutes. MIKE: He's gonna feel real silly if he's wrong. CROW: Yeah, there's nothing more embarassing that comitting mass murder for the wrong reason. >196 BRUCE, his eyes riveted on the bomb. No secret is worth 196 > innocent lives. He stands. > > Chase, misunderstanding, tries to pull Bruce back down. TOM: And accidentally pantses him. > WIDER > > Suddenly everyone jumps up, SHOUT and SCREAM, point > towards the rafters. > >197 REVERSE ANGLE 197 > > The Graysons scale the scaffolding, heading for the bomb. > > TWO-FACE > Boys! Move, move, move! > (a beat) > Cannot get good help these days. > >198 Any Thugs not standing sentry fan out, speed up guywires. 198 > >199 CHRIS 199 > (to Dick) > Go! We'll hold them off! > > Mom, Dad and Chris swing from trapeze to guywire to > platform, trying to delay the Thugs who are actually > well-trained gymnasts. MIKE: Why, what a coincidence. >200 Dick launches himself from trapeze to trapeze, bounces 200 TOM: ... three times when he hits the ground. > off the high wire, grabs a catwalk and hoists himself up. > >201 Bruce uses the distraction to hop the rail, race through 201 > the SCREAMING CROWD. > >202 THE TIME - CLOSE. 1:03. 1:02. 1:01. 202 > >203 ON THE TRAPEZE 203 > >204 A Thug grabs Dad Grayson by the leg. Dad manages a jump 204 > to another trapeze. > >205 Mom's not so lucky. A Thug punches her off the uppermost 205 > platform. She falls in mid-air. > >206 FOLKS in the audience SCREAM. 206 > >207 BRUCE moves fast towards one of the sentry Thugs. 207 > >208 MOM snags a wildly swinging trapeze with one leg, wraps 208 > her ankle around a rope, hanging over the floor. > >209 A THUG points to the Time Clock 0:45. 0:44. 0:43. 209 > >210 THE THUGS quit the fight, slide down ropes and guywires. 210 MIKE: You know it helps if you think about this happening in slow motion. CROW: You mean it isn't already? >211 DAD AND CHRIS form a human chain to reach Mom. Dad 211 > anchors Chris who swings out towards Mom. Mom swings her > trapeze to gather momentum. > >212 IN THE RAFTERS 212 > > Dick has reached the Bomb. Begins un-lashing the crate. TOM: You mean Ricky. MIKE: Or R-Man. Don't forget R-Man. >213 ON THE CIRCUS FLOOR 213 > > The Thugs begin to pour through the trap door. A few > thrill-seekers fire their MACHINE GUNS over the crowd. > >214 THE TIMER - CLOSE. 0:15. 0:14. 0:13. 214 > >215 DICK scales a service ladder, vies with a roof hatch. 215 > >216 TRAPEZE - CLOSE 216 > > Dan and Chris make their final swing. Mom lets go and > sails gloriously towards Chris. Below them, no net. > >217 BRUCE taps the watching Thug on the shoulder. He spins. 217 > > BRUCE > Show's over. > > A punch and the guy is out. Bruce starts for Two-Face. > Another Thug springs up before him, blocking his way. CROW: Shouldn't these guys be wearing red shirts? >218 TWO-FACE stares up at the dangling Graysons. He reaches 218 > into his pocket. Pulls out a familiar coin. > > TWO-FACE > Day in, day out, it always comes > down to the same old question. > Life... > (flips the coin) > Or death. CROW: Fries or cheeps. > He looks down. Scarred side up. He draws his gun. > > TWO-FACE > Our kinda day. > >219 BRUCE fells the other Thug. Starts to sprint across the 219 > ring towards Two-Face. > >220 AT THE ROOF 220 > > Dick shoves the hatch open, climbs out. > >221 TIMER - CLOSE. 0:10. 0:09. 0:08. 221 > >222 MOM spots the pointing gun far below. She SCREAMS. 222 > >223 BRUCE races for the aiming Two-Face. Almost there. 223 > Another Thug hits him broadside, knocking him flat. > >224 TWO-FACE FIRES. Twice, the first bullet cutting, the 224 >225 second severing the rope that holds the Graysons. 225 > > TWO-FACE > Never did like the circus. Too many > freaks. TOM: He shot the rope? Why didn't he just shoot them? CROW: Maybe he forgot to bring enough bullets. >226/27 Two-Face disappears down the tunnel. Bruce struggles 226/27 > to his feet. A CHARGE blows inside the escape hatch, > filling the access-way with fire. No way out. > >228 CLOCK - CLOSE. 0:07. 0:06. 228 > >229 EXT. HIPPODROME ROOF - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 229 > > Dick scrambles onto the roof, begins whipping the bomb > rope like a sling. CROW: Bad bomb, bad! >230 INT. HIPPODROME - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 230 > > CLOCK - CLOSE. 0:05. 0:04. 0:03. > >231 EXT. HIPPODROME ROOF - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 231 > > Dick let's fly, the bomb soaring out towards the harbor. > >232 THE BOMB hits the water. Sinks. A beat. The night is 232 > split MIKE: And we poured fresh, creamery butter in. > by a funneling EXPLOSION. > >233 INT. HIPPODROME - NIGHT 233 > > Dick swings excitedly down onto the catwalk. He freezes > at the rail. > > DICK > No!!!! > > DICK - CLOSE. On his face, his life's end. CROW: Rick - Close. >234 DICK'S POV -- STRAIGHT DOWN 234 TOM: RICK'S POV > The dead bodies of his mother, father and brother. Bruce > Wayne stands over them, looking up at the boy. > >235 BRUCE - CLOSE. His face a tragic echo of Dick's pain. 235 > >236 EXT. - WAYNE MANOR - NEXT AFTERNOON 236 > > A police car heads towards the manor. Dick Grayson, pack > on his back, winds his motorcycle behind the cruiser. > > Bruce comes out to greet Gordon. Dick, slightly > awestruck, dismounts, wanders into the house. > > GORDON > It's good of you to take him in. > He's been filling out forms all day. > He hasn't even eaten. MIKE: Except for those excess doughnuts we gave him. > > Bruce nods, watches Gordon drive off. Heads into... >237 INT. WAYNE MANOR FOYER - LATE DAY 237 > > As Bruce ENTERS through the open door, Alfred arrives > from the other direction. > > ALFRED > Welcome, Master Grayson. I'm Alfred. CROW: Thank God, someone isn't calling him Dick. > DICK > How ya doin', Al? MIKE: Except the scriptwriter. > ALFRED > (mouthing) > Al? ALL: o/~ ... you can call me Al! Call me Al ... o/~ > DICK > (to Bruce) > Big house. How many rooms? > > BRUCE > Gee, I'm not sure. > (across the foyer) > Alfred? How many rooms? Total? > > ALFRED > Ninety-three, including the sauna. > > BRUCE > Take any three you like. After you > get settled we can... > >238/39 But Dick isn't listening, stares instead over 238/39 > Bruce's shoulder as Gordon's cruiser disappears out of > sight. > > DICK > Okay. I'm outta here. > > BRUCE > Excuse me. MIKE: Is it just me, or do a lot of people say excuse me in this script? TOM: The scriptwriter is subconciously asking for forgiveness. > DICK > I figure telling that cop I'd stay > here saved me a truckload of social > service interviews and good will. So > no offense but thanks. See ya. > > Dick heads toward the door. Alfred slips away. > > BRUCE > Where will you go? The circus is > halfway to Metropolis by now. MIKE: Gratuitious continuity. > DICK > I got no place at the circus without > my family. I'm going to get a fix on > Two-Face. Then I'm going to kill > him. CROW: This is known as "telegraphing your plans," Ricky. > BRUCE > Listen, Dick. Killing Two-Face won't > take the pain away. It'll make it > worse. TOM: At least that's the theory I'm running on. > DICK > Look, spare me the sermons, okay. > You're just some rich guy who is > trying to do a good deed. You don't > even know me. > > Bruce stares beyond Dick, into his own past. TOM: He sees a short guy named Willow and Tom Cruise. > BRUCE > It's not just the sadness. Is it? > The shame is worse. Feeling like > somehow you should have saved them. > > Dick is looking at Bruce now. > > BRUCE > You're right. I don't know you. But > I'm like you. TOM: A studly guy with a dead family who likes to dress up. > Just then Alfred returns with a tray. Rare London broil. > Baby potatoes. Fresh greens. An aromatic feast. CROW: A shame it all tastes like cow patties. > ALFRED > Oh, is the young master leaving? > Pity. I'll just toss this away then. > Perhaps the dogs are hungry - > > Alfred turns, heads up the stairs. > > ALFRED > I'll set this up in the guest suite. > Just in case. > > Dick follows, led by his nose. MIKE: Richard, you oughta get that ring out of there. > Bruce smiles, nods slowly, heads into... > >240 INT. - WAYNE LIBRARY 240 > > Bruce touches a vase of fresh roses. Stares at framed > photos of Thomas, Martha, of himself, younger. Happy. > With no knowledge of the future. TOM: So the only thing that changes is that he's not happy. >241 He turns. Suddenly their coffins are in the middle of the 241 > room again, the still corpses white in death. He's a > boy. > > There on the desk. A leather bound book. (OVER) THUNDER > CRACKS. > >242 THE FRONT DOOR flies open. An evil wind whips the house. 242 CROW: Alfred let one. Wheeeow! >243 THE BOOK is splattered with blood. 243 MIKE: Doesn't he know ink works better? >244 THE WINDOW explodes, shattering glass, and out of the 244 > darkness flies a huge, evil bat. > > ALFRED (OVER) > Master Bruce? > >245 Bruce is sitting in a chair, holding a rose, head down, 245 > the images only flashes of memory. Night has fallen. He > looks up, eyes. red. CROW: Stoned again. > BRUCE > It's happening again. Just like my > parents. A monster comes out of the > night. A scream. Two gunshots. I > killed them. > > ALFRED > What did you say? > > BRUCE > He killed them. Two-Face. He > slaughtered that boy's parents. > > ALFRED > No. You said I. I killed them. > > BRUCE > Don't be ridiculous. MIKE: It's a little late to tell ANYONE in the film that now. > Suddenly a pale light through the window illuminates the > room, bathes their faces. > >246 THE BATSIGNAL beams in the sky. 246 > >247 INT. GUEST (DICK'S) BEDROOM 247 > > Dick Grayson finishes eating. He moves into the >248 HALLWAY 248 > > the house seems empty. > > DICK > Hey?.. Hello?... Anybody home? > > He's puzzled. TOM: I thought that was Ed. CROW: No, that's riddled. As in, "Riddled with holes, the plot staggered from scene to scene." >249 EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - NIGHT 249 > > Batman speeds along in the Batmobile. He hits top speed > as the car's fusion drive glows red. TOM: And then explodes in a nuclear conflagration, and . . . MIKE: It's getting thin Tom. TOM: As thin as the plot? MIKE: More. TOM: [Chastened] Oh. Sorry. MIKE: No problem. >250 A giant projector, beaming the Batsignal on the fast 250 > night clouds. Batman leaps from a neighboring roof to > find no one. Just the huge light and the city wind. > > BATMAN > Commissioner...? > > A shadow appears from behind the searchlight. Chase. > > CHASE > He's home. I sent the signal. > > BATMAN > What's wrong? CROW: I have nothing else to do in this movie but look good! > CHASE > Last night at the circus. I noticed > something about Dent. His coin. He's > obsessed with justice. It's his > Achilles' heel. It can be exploited. MIKE: Talk about never leaving the office . . . > He steps close to her. Intimidating. > > BATMAN > You called me here for this? The > Batsignal is not a beeper. MIKE: You know, technically, it IS a beeper, Bruce. > Instead of backing off, Chase moves towards him. > > CHASE > I wish I could say my interest in > you was purely professional... > > BATMAN > Are you trying to get under my cape, > Doctor? ALL: [Stare at the screen in mute horror.] > CHASE > A girl cannot live by psychoses > alone. > > BATMAN > It's the car, right? Chicks love the > car. TOM: [Begins banging his head against the chair, slolwy, painfully.] > CHASE > What is it about the wrong kind of > man? In grade school it was guys > with earrings. College, motorcycles > and leather jackets. > > Chase is right up against him. She runs her fingers along > the outline of Batman's mask. > > CHASE > Now black rubber. CROW: [Makes vauge, choking noises. It is obvious he's in pain.] > BATMAN > Try a fireman. Less to take off. > > CHASE > I don't mind the work. Pity I can't > see behind the mask. > > Batman stills her hand. > > BATMAN > We all wear masks. > > CHASE > My life's an open book. You read? MIKE: [Puts his head in his hands. He appears to be sobbing uncontrollably.] > BATMAN > I'm not the kind of guy who blends > in at a family picnic. > > CHASE > We could give it a try. I'll bring > the wine, you bring the scarred > psyche. > > BATMAN > You are direct, aren't you? > > CHASE > You like strong women. I've done my > homework. Or do I need skin-tight > vinyl and a whip? TOM: [Bangs his head against the chair faster.] > Their bodies are close. > > BATMAN > I haven't had much luck with > women... > > CHASE > Maybe you just haven't met the right > woman... CROW: [Falls to the floor. His legs and arms are visible, sticking straight up, twitching.] > Their mouths are close. Suddenly Commissioner Gordon, > trench-coat over pajamas, rushes onto the roof. > > GORDON > I saw the beacon. What's going on? > > BATMAN > Nothing... False alarm. ALL: Oh, thank you comissioner! CROW: [Getting up off of floor] I am SO glad that is over with. MIKE: You know, with a woman like that, the Riddler is looking good. TOM and CROW: [Look at Mike strangely] MIKE: I was only being metaphorical guys. CROW: Please, isn't there enough senseless metaphor, Mike? >251 Batman shoots a Batarang into the night and dives from 251 > the building. > > CHASE > Are you sure? MIKE: We are! >252 EXT. SEEDY PART OF TOWN - DAY 252 > > SIRENS WHINE as two cruisers fly down a pot-holed street. > >253 ANGLE ON - A bridge structure. 253 > >254 INT. TWO-FACE'S HIDEOUT - DAY 254 > > The room is dark. POLICE SIRENS FADE as a trap door opens > in the floor. Two-Face emerges. > > TWO-FACE > Ever have one of those days where > you just want to kill someone? TOM: A certain scriptwriter comes to mind. > VOICE IN THE DARK > Riddle me this. (Riddle #3) TOM: Well, I don't think OLE can handle THIS insertion. > REVERSE ANGLE > > A mysterious silhouette stands in the dark. > > Two-Face draws his gun. > > VOICE IN THE DARK > The answer is, your enemy. TOM: Or 42. Whatever. MIKE: This would have been so much more profound if we had heard the riddle. > TWO-FACE > Who are you? > > VOICE IN THE DARK > You can just call me... The Riddler. > > The figure steps out of shadow. A new costume, lime > green, covered with question marks, an emerald eye mask, > derby and cane. An exact replica of the Guesser's outfit. CROW: He may be a genius, but he still dresses like a dork. > TWO-FACE > How'd you find us? > > RIDDLER > You _are_ Two-Face, you would need to > face both rivers, both uptown and > downtown simultaneously. Only one > spot in Gotham serves these bi- > zonal, bi-coastal needs... MIKE: Bi-sexual . . . > TWO-FACE > Congratulations. You get to die on > the dean's list. > > Two-Face trains his gun, COCKS the trigger. > > RIDDLER > Has anyone ever told you have a > serious impulse control problem? > (looking around) > You know, I simply love what you've > done with this place. Heavy Metal > with just a touch of House and > Garden. CROW: And now he's an interior decorator as well. TOM: Jim Carrey is a Villain for Every Season. > He crosses to Leatherland. > > RIDDLER > It's so dark and Gothic and > disgustingly decadent... > > He moves to Laceland. > > RIDDLER > Yet so bright and chipper and > conservative! > (to "bad" side) > It's so you. > ("good" side) > And yet so _you_! > (touching his suit) > Very few people are both a summer > _and_ a winter. But you pull it off > nicely. MIKE: I hate to be mean, but I hope Two-Face riddles his body with bullets and throws it to the dobermans. TOM: Bitter much, Mike? MIKE: It was the love scene. I haven't recovered. > TWO-FACE > A man with a death wish. > > RIDDLER > Harvey. You need me. Since you've > gotten out of Arkham, you've > managed, what? To bungle stealing a > safe? Wreck a statue? And, correct > me if I'm wrong here, but weren't > you outsmarted by an acned acrobat > at the circus? CROW: Say what you will, but Ed knows how to flatter people! > TWO-FACE > Let's see if you bleed green. > > Two-Face COCKS back the hammer. > > RIDDLER > Alright, counselor. Go ahead. Fire > away. But before you do, let me ask > you one question. Is it really me > you want to kill? MIKE: You've got to ask yourself, do you feel lucky punk? > The Riddler knits his thumbs together, waves his hands > over one of the exposed light bulbs that illuminate the > room, making a shadow on the wall. The shadow of a bat. MIKE: Do a bunny! TOM: Make the indian! CROW: Do the Waldorf-Astoria! > RIDDLER > Do you know about hate, my dual > visaged friend? Slow, burning hate > that keeps you sleepless until late > in the night, that wakes you before > dawn. Do you know that kind of hate? > I do. TOM: As do I. > (circling Harvey) > Kill him? Seems like a good enough > idea. But have you thought it > through? A few bullets, a quick > spray of blood, a fast, thrilling > rush, and then what? Wet hands and > post-coital depression. Is it really > enough? CROW: For me it is. > (up close) > Why not ruin him first? Expose his > frailty. And then, when he is at his > weakest, crush him in your hand. TOM: In short, remake the last film, but without Michelle Pfeiffer in leather tights. >255 Riddler gestures to the front of the room, where Leather 255 > and Lace, on their respective sides, are fixed to their > TV's via the green beam of the box. > > He tosses a receiver electrode to Two-Face. > > RIDDLER > ...Take a hit. MIKE: Oh, please Harvey, take him literally. > Two-Face looks at the electrode curiously. > > RIDDLER > (taps his forehead) > Up, up, up. > > A beat. Then, gun still trained on the Riddler, Two-Face > holds the receiver to his skull. He's blasted with a dose > of Leather and Lace's neural energy. MIKE: Which means not much. > TWO-FACE > Holy shit. CROW: Blessed ca-ca. > RIDDLER > So not everyone can be a poet. > Still, I respect the sentiment. > > Riddler waves his hand in front of the girls' eyes. No > response. Definitely zoned. > > RIDDLER > (to the girls) > This is your brain on the box. > (off Harvey) > This is your brain on their brain. > > He plants an electrode on his own forehead. > > RIDDLER > This is my brain on your brain on > their brain. Does anybody else feel > like a fried egg? MIKE: No, but some toast would be nice. > The Riddler grabs Two-Face's receiver. > > TWO-FACE > No. Wait... TOM: We haven't been properly introduced. > RIDDLER > Addictive isn't it? Just Say No. > Until I say yes. A little fringe > benefit of working with me. Now > here's the concept, counselor. > Crime. My I.Q., your AK-47. You help > me gather production capital so I > can produce enough of these > (pulling a Box from his vest) > to create an empire that will > eclipse Bruce Wayne's forever. And, > in return I will help you solve the > greatest riddle of all. Who is > Batman? MIKE: There's an original question. > Two-Face eyes The Riddler, interest dawning in his eyes. > > TWO-FACE > You are a very strange person. TOM: Now THIS is the pot calling the kettle black. > You > speak as if we are old friends, > which we are not. You barge in here > unarmed when it is clearly suicidal > to do so. Still, an intriguing > proposition. > (pulling his coin) > Heads: we take your offer. > > He rests the barrel on The Riddler's temple. > > TWO-FACE > Tails: we blow your _goddamned head > off_! ALL: Tails! Tails! Tails! >256 FOLLOW THE COIN 256 > > as Two-Face FLIPS it high in the air... SPINNING... > >257 INT. JEWELRY EXCHANGE 257 > > Thugs grab handfuls of gems as a Guard presses the ALARM > BUTTON. LOONY TOONS and MERRIE MELODIES THEMES play as > Riddler's animated face fills the surveillance screens. > > WIDER > > The Riddler and Two-Face stand over a palette of black > jeweler's felt. Littered with bright, sparkling diamonds. > > The Riddler slips on a monocle, lifts a stone. > > Two-Face grabs the entire palette, pours the diamonds > into a loot bag, heads towards another counter. TOM: The SERIOUSLY Odd couple. CROW: Previously, Edward Nygma's sanity threw him out, and told him never to return . . . >258 INT. BATMOBILE - MOVING 258 > > WINDSCREEN - CLOSE. A flashing message: Crime In Progress. MIKE: Ah, your Windscreen stays on my mind. >259 An ever changing tactical map shows Batman's narrowing 259 > proximity to the crime site. > >260 EXT. STREET 260 > > The Batmobile rushes to a halt. Batman leaps out, SMASHES > through a door into... > >261 INT. BEAUTY SALON 261 > > ...Girls LAUGH and flirt. Even behind his mask, Batman > fumes. Obviously misled. TOM: Which is a nice way to say he's pretty much dumb as a bag full of screws. CROW: Mike, why would human women flirt with some leather-draped psycho who just busted into their business? MIKE: You DO NOT want to know. >262 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BRUCE'S BEDROOM - DAY 262 > > Bruce sits watching the news. > > ANCHOR > ...working with Two-Face, Gotham's > new criminal mastermind is calling > himself The Riddler. Twenty million > in diamonds were stolen yesterday > with no sign of Batman. > >263 SCREEN - CLOSE. Changes. Edward stands on the Claw Island. 263 > A small abandoned island in Gotham Harbor. > > ANCHOR > In other news, entrepreneur Edward > Nygma has signed a lease for Claw > Island. Nygma says he plans to break > ground on an electronics plant.... MIKE: Claw Island. It sounds so safe and secure. TOM: Just be thankful it isn't Fire Island. >264 EXT. ARMORED TRUCK BASE 264 > > Armored trucks sit open on the street. Two-toned thugs > carry out bags of loot. CROW: Two-toned thugs? That's what I call specific costume design. > Two-Face and the Riddler stand before four guards, each > sentry held captive by a two-toned crony. > > TWO-FACE > Close your fist. Reach back. > > Two-Face swings, clocks the guard on the chin. CRACK. Out > like a light. > > TWO-FACE > Get it? > > Riddler nods tentatively. Manages a weak fist. Throws a > feeble punch. The Guard looks barely startled. CROW: It's a supervillain seminar. > TWO-FACE > Riddler. You punch like a girl. ALL: [Laugh] > Put > some heart into it. > > Two-Face hauls off, hits the third Guard. Out he goes. > > RIDDLER > Okay. Okay. I got it. > > He leans way back, tries again. Barely a glancing blow. > > TWO-FACE > My God. > > He walks away, shaking his head, disgusted. The Riddler > turns back to the guard. Ready for another try. MIKE: I'd say their relationship is progressing nicely. TOM: They have a lot in common. That's important. >265 INT. WAYNE MANOR - HALLWAY 265 > >266 NEWSPAPER - CLOSE. RIDDLER & TWO-FACE TERRORIZE GOTHAM. 266 > > PULL BACK TO REVEAL > > Alfred, newspaper in hand, finds Dick trying to open the > door which leads to the Bat Cave. > > ALFRED > May I help you, Master Grayson? TOM: Coffee, tea, prozac, lithium? > DICK > How come this is the only locked > door around this museum? What's back > there? > > ALFRED > Master Wayne's dead wives. TOM: That Al, such a card. MIKE: Yeah, the Ace of Spades. > Dick grins. Alfred watches him go, a wry smile on his > face. The coast now clear, he disappears into the secret > doorway. > >267 WIDER 267 > > Dick stands hidden in an alcove, watching. CROW: Great security, Al. >268 EXT. CLAW ISLAND - DAY 268 > > Tremendous construction in progress. > >269 INT. CLAW ISLAND 269 > > Silhouettes of robot arms manufacture the Box. > > Edward watches on, giving Two-Face a quick hit from a > glowing electrode, then snatches back the receiver. > > Harvey eyes the electrode with an addict's hungry eyes. > >270 EXT. GOTHAM LOADING DOCK 270 > > Two-Face and Thugs steal priceless paintings while the > Guards sit bound and gagged in their booth. > > Riddler stares up at a freshly spray-painted (RIDDLE #4) > on the boat's hull. TOM: OK. So what we're saying is the SCRIPTWRITER HAD THE IMAGINATION OF CREAM CHEESE! Jeez, couldn't he write his own riddles. >271 INT. WAYNE MANOR - LAUNDRY ROOM 271 > > Dick stands watching TV while he washes and dries his > clothes using martial arts techniques. CROW: Huh? TOM: I am the follower of the art of Wash-And-Dry-Fu. >272 VONDELLE (ON SCREEN) 272 > Has Batman lost his touch? We've > become a city of sissies crying > Batman, Batman, Batman at the first > sign of trouble. MIKE: Yeah, but it's worked so far . . . >273 INT. GOTHAM OPERA - NIGHT 273 > > The Barber of Seville is in full swing. As the bejewelled > audience watches, the translation is being spelled out > for them on a large electronic screen over the stage. > >274 BACKSTAGE 274 > > Green gloved hands attach a Box to the translator. > >275 AUDIENCE 275 > > The familiar green beam of The Box transfixes the > audience and the performers. Two-Face and his Thugs take > the balcony in protective green sunglasses, strip folks > of their cash and jewels. TOM: Along with their clothes. >276 The Riddler stands on stage. 276 > > RIDDLER > I just love a captive audience. > > He picks up the ARIA A-CAPELLA, races through the stunned > orchestra, collecting valuables. > > As he goes, he moves the mouths of his victims, turning > the robbery into an opera of his own. MIKE: I think he's enjoying this too much. TOM: Someone has to. > RIDDLER > (singing) > Oh, but all I want is to take all > your jewels oh oh. > (moving a woman's mouth) > No, oh you villain don't take my > jewels, oh no. > (singing back) > I will. > (a man's mouth) > No you won't. > (singing) > I will. > (another man) > No you won't. CROW: Harvey, FLIP THE COIN AGAIN! >277 Still SINGING, he leaps back onto the stage where Harvey 277 > and his Thugs arrive, bags full of loot. Riddler plays > tiny hidden buttons in his cane, directing Batman. MIKE: You know, all supervillains want to direct. > TWO-FACE > Where are you sending Batboy this time? > > RIDDLER > Here. Get a good seat. CROW: On my lap. >278 OUT THE WINDOW 278 > > The Batmobile makes a quick stop before the opera house. >279 Riddler, Two-Face and Thugs disappear just as... 279 > > BATMAN > > drops to the Stage from the ceiling. He looks around at > the stunned audience. > > He spots a small box with a question mark on it sitting > center stage. Lifts the top. Within, a pair of plastic > hands applaud him. CROW: And then give him the finger. >280 THE TRANSLATOR - CLOSE. Vaporizes, the beam snapping off. 280 > >281 THE AUDIENCE 281 > > startled by Batman's sudden appearance on stage, starts > LAUGHING. Until someone notices her tiara is missing. A > SCREAM. The first of many. > >282 EXT. GOTHAM TIMES BUILDING - NIGHT 282 > > Electronic headlines circles- BAT FLOPS AT OPERA. RIDDLER > AND TWO-FACE STEAL MILLIONS. > >283 EXT. NYGMATECH HEADQUARTERS - CLAW ISLAND - DAY 283 > > Finally complete. In the b.g. a giant corporate sign > reading NYGMATECH is raised by cranes. TOM: NYGMATECH, tall and proud, a sign of quality. > Edward Nygma, dressed like Bruce Wayne to the smallest > detail, stands on a podium, giving a press conference. > > Scores of APPLAUDING Employees and Media watch on. The > Gotham Society Matrons COO. > > EDWARD (OVER) > Why sit back when you can be part of > the show? MIKE: Because the show might be like this. >284 QUICK CUTS OF NEWSPAPERS 284 > > EDWARD (OVER) > ...Nygmatech brings the joy 3-D > entertainment into your own home. > >285 CUTS OF MAGAZINES all proclaiming Edward as the new King 285 > of Electronics in Gotham City. > > EDWARD > Ladies and gentlemen. Let me tell > you my vision for the future. "The > Box" in every home in America. And > one day, the world. > >286 EXT. GOTHAM CITY - MONTAGE 286 > > A tenement, where a poor family scrapes together their > savings on a newspaper ad for "The Box".... > >287 An electronics store, where Alfred, at the head of a long 287 > line, hands over a check to receive "The Box"... TOM: Et tu, Alfredo? >288 A resplendent household where husband, wife, and kids 288 > each watch individual TV's connected to their own Boxes. > >289 INT. NYGMATECH - RIDDLER'S CONTROL ROOM 289 > > Riddler sits atop a tremendous electronic throne, facing > a wall bank of TV monitors all running newsreel footage > of folks using "The Box". From overhead, a giant diode > delivers massive pulses of glowing neural energy. > >290 RIDDLER'S HEAD - CLOSE. His brain is growing. 290 CROW: His head explodes . . . MIKE: The movie ends, and we're out of here. CROW: [Looks at Mike strangely.] MIKE: Okay, I wanted to get in on the fun. >291 EXT. ELECTRONIC STORES 291 > > Crowds of people line up. Some stores say "SOLD OUT" > others "YES, WE HAVE `THE BOX'." > >292 INT. BATCAVE 292 > > Bruce stands over the Batcomputer. TOM: Inserting the Bat-Operating System into Bat-Windows. > BRUCE > Riddler and Two-Face are tweaking > the data before the computer pulls > it off the emergency bands. CROW: Ah, the brilliant analytical mind of a boy who inherited trillions of dollars at age ten and never wanted for anything. > Alfred stands in his lab area, trying to disassemble "The > Box". He gets the lid off. MIKE: At least "The Box" wasn't child-proof. >293 BOX - CLOSE. The circuitry inside automatically vaporizes. 293 TOM: Do not expose The Box to air. Do not tease The Box. Do not submerse the Box in bat guano. >294 INT. NYGMATECH - EDWARD'S CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT 294 > > Leather and Lace sit with the Riddler and Two-Face as the > two villains pass an electrode between them. > > TWO-FACE > Sure, E = MC squared. Until you > factor in more than three > dimensions. Then... Damn. Hit us > again. > > RIDDLER > Haven't you had enough? Don't Think > And Drive. TOM: He's got one don't right. > Harvey waves his revolver in Riddler's face. > > RIDDLER > Be my guest. TOM: I sense some tension . . . > Two-Face and Leather and Lace take another hit of the > glowing neural energy. Smiles. > > TWO-FACE > Our Paleolithic yearnings are best > expressed in a pre-linguistic- > (off the befuddled girls) > Sorry. Just thinking out loud. > > Harvey leans back, buzzed, the electrode slipping from > his hand. Leather grabs for it. Not fast enough. Riddler > snatches it away. > > RIDDLER > (to Leather) > Not until you do that thing I like. TOM: Tell me I look like Eric Estrada. CROW: I hope the think he likes is NOT lending him her clothes. > (taking a hit) > On se tue pour des mesnonges. J'ai > gache ma vie... > (off the electrode) > Woah. Harsh toke. > > TWO-FACE > Don't bogart that 'trode. CROW: Yes, it's Cheech and Chong for the 21st century. > He tosses Harv the electrode over Lace's ill-timed grab. > Harvey takes a hit. > > TWO-FACE > (epiphanous) > Oh my God. Jim Morrison was right. > > RIDDLER > About what? TOM: Cancer in your privates really is terrible. > TWO-FACE > Everything. > > RIDDLER & TWO-FACE > (simultaneous) > ...Yeah. > >295 INT. WAYNE MANOR - DAY 295 > > TV - CLOSE. > > Vondelle stands before the familiar panel of experts. > > AIMS > This Box is nothing more than an > electronic narcotic. MIKE: So it's nothing like television, Vondelle. CROW: [Punches Mike] MIKE: Oh, right. > ROYCE > Thousands more Gothamites each day > are tuning out by tuning in to its > holographic fantasies. > > AIMS > It's turning citizens into > zombies... MIKE: Admittedly there isn't much difference, but . . . > VONDELLE > Gripe, gripe, gripe. Isn't this what > they said about TV? I think "The > Box" is the future. What's your > opinion? I want to know... TOM: So I can tell you you're wrong. >296 FAVOR Alfred as he shuts off the set, moves into the 296 >297 hallway and the locked door to the Batcave. 297 > > ALFRED > (calling out) > Master Dick? ALL: RICHARD! > High above, Dick appears on the third floor landing. MIKE: Al taught him that teleportation trick. > DICK > Up here, Al. > > ALFRED > Just checking, young sir. TOM: You sure you don't want to change your name? > DICK > (to himself) > Four seconds from... > > Below, Alfred opens the door. > > DICK > Now! > > Alfred disappears inside and the door begins to close. > > Dick leaps the bannister, grabs the chandelier, swings to > a large tapestry, slides down and into the passageway as > the door SLAMS shut. MIKE: And Alfred's job security is about to be flushed into history. >298 INT. SECRET HALL 298 > > Unable to stop, Dick barrels through a dark doorway, > tumbles down the long stairway onto > >299 THE BATCAVE FLOOR 299 > > Alfred stands in his lab area. The two stare at each > other in utter disbelief. MIKE: They suddenly realize two people of their talents ended up in a piece of shlock. >300 INT. CHASE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 300 > > Big. Open. A life still in boxes. The door opens, > producing Bruce and Chase. > > BRUCE > The style of the letters I'm getting > matches those found at the crime > sites. Why would The Riddler be > sending me riddles? CROW: Maybe he likes you. > (looking around) > Who's your decorator? U-Haul? > > CHASE > Sorry. I haven't even had time to > unpack. Instant coffee okay? MIKE: As long as you add water this time. > Chase disappears into the kitchen as Bruce takes off his > coat. She reappears with a small box. Hands it to Bruce. > > BRUCE > What's this? > > Bruce opens the box. Within, a dream doll. TOM: Blow it up! > CHASE > Call it clinical intuition. I > thought your dreams might need > changing. MIKE: I have my dreams rotated every 3000 miles. > Bruce looks at Chase. He stares out the window a beat, > deciding. As he speaks now his words are halting, self > disclosure difficult for him. > > BRUCE > My parents were murdered. In front > of me. I was just a kid. > > Chase nods. She knows. CROW: HER parents were murdered too? Jeez, talk about coincidence! MIKE: I guess serendipity powers cut both ways! > BRUCE > A lot of what happened is jagged. > Pieces missing. I can't really > remember. I just get flashes. > Usually in my dreams. I'd kind of > gotten used to them. At least > accepted them.... TOM: Oh, hell, I just revel in my twisted fantasies and flashbacks! > CHASE > And now.... > > BRUCE > They've changed. The dreams, I mean. > There's a new element I don't > understand. A book. Black. Covered > in leather.... TOM: Just how I like my women. > (OVER) The kettle begins to WHISTLE. > > CHASE > Damn. I'll be right back. > > Bruce is agitated, starts to looking around. At her desk > he finds a virtual shrine to Batman. Pictures. > Newsphotos. Articles. > > CHASE (OVER) > Find anything interesting? > > BRUCE > Why do I feel like the other man, > here? MIKE: Why do I feel like Lois and Clark is on? > CHASE > Come on, Bruce. This is what I do > for a living. > > BRUCE > I'd say this goes a little beyond > taking your work home. MIKE: This is taking your work home from a sleazy bar! > CHASE > What do you want me to say? That I'm > not attracted to him? MIKE: It would help make my life less of a sexual disaster area. >301 She hits a button and on screen newsfootage rolls of 301 > Batman fighting Catwoman. > >302 CHASE 302 > (mesmerized) > Look at the abuse he's taking. He's > not just fighting criminals. He's > punishing himself. MIKE: Yeah, but what a way to get punished. > Chase hits a button, freezing on Batman's face. > > CHASE > It's as if he's paying some great > penance. What crime could he have > committed to deserve a life sentence > of such agony? TOM: He voted Republican last election? > Bruce hits a key, blanking the screen. > > BRUCE > Maybe he just had a lousy childhood, > is that it Doc? > > Chase grabs his hand as it comes away from the keyboard. > > CHASE > Why do you do that? > > BRUCE > What? > > CHASE > Throw up that ridiculous superficial > mask. If you're jealous... MIKE: [Val Kilmer voice] I keep telling you, it's not a mask. > BRUCE > I'm not- > > CHASE > You want me close but you won't let > me near. What's the terrible, dark > secret you're protecting everyone > from? CROW: She's a shrink, and she can't put two and two together. MIKE: She didn't do well in Stat class, I guess. > In the mirror they are half in shadow, half in light. > > CHASE > In a sense we are all two people. > The side we show in daylight. And > that side we keep in shadow. > > BRUCE > Rage. Anger. Passion. Pain. MIKE: Those sound like fun. > He pulls her to him. Their faces are close. A breath > apart. Suddenly his watch begins to BEEP. CROW: The watch feels lonely and ignored and needs emotional recognition. >303/04 Bruce turns over his wrist. Depresses a stud on 303/04 > his watch. The face turns into a screen. CROW: So now he's Dick flippin Tracy? TOM: Uh, that's Richard flippin Tracy, Crow. CROW: Sorry. > ALFRED > Sorry to bother you, sir. I have > some rather distressing news about > Master Dick. MIKE: You mean Master Richard. > BRUCE > Is he all right? > > ALFRED > I'm afraid Master Dick has... gone > traveling. MIKE: You know, Master Dick sounds like something out of that program you found, Crow. CROW: DO NOT remind me. > BRUCE > He ran away? > > ALFRED > Actually, he took the car. > > BRUCE > He boosted the Jag? > (relieved) > Is that all? > > ALFRED > Not the Jaguar. The _other_ car. TOM: My Bat-cheap-joke-detector went off Mike! > BRUCE > The _Rolls_? > > ALFRED > _No_, sir. _The_ _other_ _car_! TOM: Come on Bruce, use those remaining functional brain cells. > A beat. Then Bruce closes his eyes. > >305 EXT. ARKHAM SQUARE - NIGHT 305 > > Gotham night life. Neon, traffic, sleaze. CROW: A family place. > The Batmobile cruises into the center of the strip. > > A group of flashy low riders pull in front of the > Batmobile. They hydraulic up and down competitively. TOM: Then, realizing who they're humiliating, they wet their pants and flee. > The Batmobile wipers sweep the windshield. The bat-foil > opens and closes. Finally the car hydraulics higher and > faster, but a bit wildly, the driver barely in control. > >306 The low riders, put to shame, PEEL OUT. (OVER) A SCREAM 306 > cuts the night. A GIRL runs for her life, chased by SIX > GANG MEMBERS into a dark alley. > > The Batmobile TEARS after her. > >307 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT 307 > > The Thugs have the Girl surrounded, push her back and > forth between them like a rag doll. > > The Batmobile SCREECHES into the alley. The door slides > open. From the smoking hatchway emerges...Dick. MIKE: Richard! CROW: Ricky! TOM: The Big R-Man! > Needless to say, this get the Thugs' attention. They let > go of the girl. > > THUG > Who the hell are you? MIKE: Drew Barrymore's boyfriend . . . wait, wrong movie! > DICK > (low, ominous) > I'm Batman. > (looking down) > Damn, did I forget to dress again? > > The Thugs close. One rushes Dick while another swings a > chain at his head. Mistake. TOM: They are pulled into the plot, from which they will never return. > DICK > Chains. You don't seem like the > type. CROW: Everyone else in the movie, sure, but . . . > Dick's hand shoots out fast, grabbing the chain. He open > palms the Thug in the chin, whips the chain into the gut > of the other villain. > > DICK > The Caped Crusader strikes again. > Sans cape, of course. MIKE: Then just call yourself, the Crusader, Dick. CROW: Richard. MIKE: Whatever. > Two more rush him. > > DICK > Another victory for the Dark Knight. > > Dick goes up with a flying front kick, knocking one down, > fells another on the return with a spinning back fist. > > DICK > (off the unconscious goons) > Dark nighty-night. CROW: Now I hope they kill him. > Dick stares at the remaining thug. Smiles. > > DICK > Is your will up to date? TOM: Why, yes it is! Who's your law firm? > The last Thug takes a look at Dick, turns and races away. > > DICK > I could definitely get behind this > super hero gig. > > Dick nods to the awestruck Girl. > > DICK > Ma'am. CROW: And now he's John Wayne. > He starts towards the car. > > GIRL > Wait. > > She moves close. > > GIRL > You forgot the part where you kiss > the girl. TOM: Kiss a girl? Eeeeooooww! Cooties! > DICK > (grinning) > Right. > > He leans in, happy to oblige when suddenly... > > (OVER) SCREAMS AND SHOUTS as the Thug who got away comes > racing back into the alley, followed by maybe thirty new > gang members, all wielding bats and chains. > > DICK > Uh-oh. > > He pulls the girl behind him, readies for war. > >308 A DARK FIGURE 308 > > flies out of the night. MIKE: And right into a wall. > Batman, on a wire, swings into the group, sending them > scattering in all directions. The bad guys race off. > >309 THE BATMOBILE 309 > > REVS UP, races to Batman. TOM: Who tickles it under the chin, pets it on the head, and gives it a Batmobile-snack. >310 Batman lifts Dick by his collar, drops him into the 310 > passenger seat. Hops into the other side. > > GIRL > (shouting) > Don't you want my number? > > She watches as the Batmobile speeds away into the night. > >311 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT - LATER 311 > > Bruce and Dick argue. > > DICK > I need to be part of this. TOM: I haven't gotten nearly enough death and violence in my life. > BRUCE > Absolutely not. CROW: Being a costumed wierdo is MY territory, Spanky! > DICK > Me and my brother Chris were putting > money aside so our folks could > retire. Dad's knee was going. Chris > was engaged, you know that? Two-Face > took...everything. Now I can pay him > back. > > BRUCE > What I do isn't about revenge. MIKE: Yeah, it's about funny costumes and chances to get yourself killed. > Dick glances at a framed headline. The Wayne murders. > > DICK > Right, slick. Whatever you say. > > Bruce grabs him. Hard. > > BRUCE > This isn't a game. MIKE: It's more of a strategic simulation. > Dick pushes him off. Harder. > > DICK > Back off, man. CROW: That's BAT-man. > BRUCE > You don't understand. It's an > addiction. You fight night after > night, trying to fill the emptiness. > But the pain's back in the morning. > And somewhere along the way it stops > being a choice. > (a beat) > I want better for you. ALL (Softly): Martyr, martyr . . . > DICK > Save the sermons about how great you > want my life to be, okay, Bruce? If > it weren't for Batman my parents > wouldn't be dead. You don't get it, > do you? This is all your fault. MIKE: Yep, that'll help make your point. > Dick storms out. Bruce stares after him with tired eyes. > >312 EXT. RITZ GOTHAM HOTEL - NIGHT 312 > > At the marble entrance, the red carpet is rolled out for > a pull-out-the-stops party. Over the door, a banner > proclaims "Nygmatech -- Imagine the Future." MIKE: But live in the past. > At the curb folks dressed in over-the-top runway > fashions, pour from luxury cars, hand off keys to a > battalion of scurrying valets. > > Next car up -- Bruce Wayne's Rolls, driven by Alfred. A > valet helps Chase out. She looks stunning. CROW: But Bruce looks like crap. > Bruce leans over Alfred before stepping out of the car. > > BRUCE > Too much wealth. Too fast. Half of > Gotham zombied-out. A technology > that self destructs. He's protecting > more than industrial secrets, > Alfred. CROW: That precise Sherlock Holmes-like mind. > ALFRED > I shall be near at hand. Should you > need me. And sir, I know it's > difficult but try and have a good > time. MIKE: Try to ignore the fact that conspiracy and evil is everywhere. >313 INT. RITZ GOTHAM ROOF - NIGHT 313 > > Over the top golden glitz. A kind of Versailles meets > punk meets couture. And in the middle, Edward, dressed as > Louis XIV. MIKE: Why does that seem appropriate? > The room is packed with people sipping exotic cocktails, > munching hors d'oeuvres. Conversation BUZZ is high. TOM: And so are most of the guests. > Into this zoo walk Bruce and Chase. CROW: Who ignore the "do not feed the supervillain signs." > As brightly-lighted stations throughout the room, showy > displays announce "THE NEW BOX". Pretty, barely-clad > showgirls invite partygoers step into various green > columns of light. > >314 Bruce scans the room as he and Chase pause by the first 314 > display, where a Socialite steps into a column of energy. > She GASPS with delight as she finds herself suddenly > dazzling in diamonds from head to toe. TOM: The new Psychic Zirconium. >315 They pass the next column where a CHUBBY PROFESSOR, sword 315 > in hand, fights off a knight on horseback. > >316 They pass the next display where a BALD GUY steps into a 316 > beam. Suddenly, he is in a classic stoner's pad circa > 1967. And, best of all, he has long flowing hair. > > Chase looks amused, Bruce suspicious. > > CHASE > If I didn't know better, I'd say you > were sulking. TOM: I'm moping. There's a difference. > BRUCE > Keep me off the couch, Doc. Your > fees are a little rich for me. > > CHASE > Touchy, touchy. CROW: Feely, feely. > BRUCE > (not biting) > So how goes your `scholarly' pursuit > of Batman? > > CHASE > Oh God, Bruce. You're still jealous. > > BRUCE > (flaring) TOM: The wild Bruce flares itself to make it look larger to predators. > Spare me the diagnosis, okay? You're > being ridiculous. I can't be jealous > of Batman. > (to himself) > Can I? CROW: Bruce, could you be a little more obvious? MIKE: Probably not, actually. >317 ACROSS THE ROOM 317 > > Edward stands flanked by Gotham's Society Matrons as > PRESS, including Vondelle Millions, SNAP photos and hurl > questions. > > NEWSCASTER > You're outselling Wayne Enterprises. > Any comments? > > EDWARD > Actually, I'm outselling Wayne Tech > two to one... > > JOURNALIST > The Times has named you Gotham's > bachelor of the year. What do you > have to say about that? TOM: How about YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! > EDWARD > You might want to ask Bruce Wayne. > (calling) > Bruce, old man! TOM: Edward, my old stinkypants! >318 Edward crosses the room to greet Chase and Bruce. All 318 > stand now, surrounded by press and partygoers. > > EDWARD > So glad you could come. > > BRUCE > What? Oh, Edward. Hi. > Congratulations. Great party- CROW: Just the right amount of glitz and personal humiliation. > EDWARD > The press were just wondering what > it feels like to be outsold, > outclassed, and generally outdone in > every way... > (noticing Chase) > And what light through yonder window > breaks? `Tis the east. And you > are... CROW: Nauseous by now. > CHASE > (charmed) > Chase? > > EDWARD > Of course you are. And what a grand > pursuit you must be. MIKE: Even he realizes her name is a pathetic metaphor. > (to Bruce) > What do you think of my new > invention? > > BRUCE > What? Oh, it's very impressive. TOM: [Pouty] Bet you don't have a really cool cave and neat vehicles and a moping teen sidekick though. > EDWARD > Gracious even in defeat. How vaguely > disappointing. When all this could > have been ours together. > > Edward stills a passing waiter and his tray of champagne. > Crystal flutes for all. He toasts Chase. CROW: And coats her in cinammon. > EDWARD > No grape could be more intoxicating > than you, my dear. But we make due. > To your charms. > (clinking hers) > Skol. > > BRUCE > (raising his) > Nostrovia. TOM: El Santo. > EDWARD > (pausing) > La'chiem. CROW: Machiste > BRUCE > (casual) > Slanta. > > EDWARD > Rinka. MIKE: Rumplemints. > BRUCE > Banzai. > > CHASE > I'm drinking. MIKE: I would be too if I could find something here. > And she does. > > EDWARD > I notice you've sub-divided your B > coupons. Feeling a little light on > principle? TOM: Feeling a little light in the loafers? > BRUCE > Actually, I like to divest just > before a major re-capitalization. > > EDWARD > I wouldn't race to the bank. Old > regimes crumble every day. Life is > a cycle. Remember Yeats; turn, turn > the widening gyre. The Falconer > cannot hear the Falcon... > > BRUCE > (finishing the poem) > And the beast slouches towards > Bethelem. CROW: Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . MIKE: Please, this is painful enough, Crow. CROW: Sorry. > CHASE > Excuse me, boys. I'd hate to stop > this testosterone flood on my > account- TOM: Oh, please, we don't mind. > EDWARD > Quite right. Shall we dance? > > And with that, Edward draws Chase onto to dance floor. CROW: With a big pencil! >319 As Chase and Edward dance in the b.g. Bruce walks over to 319 > one of the displays. Examines a control station for the > green beam. Tries to pry open a circuit panel. > > SHOWGIRL (OVER) > Naughty, naughty. > > She slaps his hand playfully. Bruce smiles an apology. MIKE: Then punches her out. > Looks around. No other choice. He steps into a beam. > >320 EDWARD twirls Chase, watches Bruce enter the beam. He 320 > smiles. > >321 BRUCE - POV. Colorful planets soar all around him. Suddenly 321 > the beam flashes. There, racing towards him, a giant Bat. > >322 BACK TO SCENE 322 > > All beams wink out as GUN FIRE bursts across the room. > > TWO-FACE and his Thugs stand at every entrance. > > BRUCE backs away, slips towards a service door. CROW: Conveniently placed by the Plot Device Patrol. > TWO-FACE > Alright, folks, this is an old- > fashioned, low-tech stick-up. We're > interested in the basics: jewelry, > cash, watches, high-end cellular > phones. Hand 'em over nice and easy > and no one gets hurt. > > Two-Face's Thugs charge the room. The crowd SCREAMS. > >323 EXT. RITZ GOTHAM ALLEY - NIGHT 323 > > Bruce hand-slides down fire-escapes, hits the alley > running. > >324 EXT. ALLEY 324 > > Bruce ducks into the Rolls. TOM: Quack, quack. > BRUCE > Emergency, Alfred. > >325 INT. ROLLS 325 > > A secret panel in the back opens. A Batsuit. > >326 INT. PARTY 326 > > The Thugs circulate quickly, yanking jewels from ears and > necks, grabbing wallets and purses, filling sacks. > > Ed pushes his way against the crowd, through Two-Face's > ring of personal guards and right up to Two-Face's face. TOM: Uh, faces, Ed. Faces. > EDWARD > You're ruining my big party. Are you > insane? Actually, considering your > dual persona, let's just forget the > question. TOM: You know, there's more romantic chemistry between him and Two-Face then Chase and Batsy? MIKE: Yeah, but if I work real hard I can ignore it. > TWO-FACE > We're sick of waiting for you to > deliver The Bat, Riddle boy. You > promised us Batman. > > EDWARD > Patience, oh bifurcated one. > > TWO-FACE > Screw patience. We want him dead. > (looking around) > An nothing brings out The Bat like > a little mayhem and murder. CROW: Or a woman in a leather catsuit. MIKE: That works for me. > EDWARD > Oh well, in that case. As long as > you were going to rob me, you could > have at least let me in on the > caper. We could have _organized_ this, > _planned it_, pre-sold the movie > rights. TOM: Just like the people who made this stinkotron. > (OVER) the CRASH of breaking glass. > >327 BATMAN 327 > > flies in through a window, kicking a row of Thugs down > before he lets go his rope and lands on the floor. MIKE: Another innocent window bites the big one. > EDWARD > Harv, babe, I gotta be honest. Your > entrance was good. His was better. > What's the difference? Showmanship. CROW: And a few thousand dollars of special effects. > Two-Face shoves Edward away, looking for a clean shot. He > FIRES a couple of times, but only destroys an ice > sculpture and some liquor bottles. More SCREAMS. > >328 One huge Thug charges Batman. Batman heaves him overhead, 328 > throws him, CRASHING, into a display of stacked Boxes. > > VONDELLE (OVER) > Batman, Batman, Batman help! CROW [Halted]: Oh. I. Must. Help. Him. Oh. > A Thug has a gun to his throat. Batman kicks the weapon > out of his hand. > > VONDELLE > Batman. You're my _God_!!! MIKE: Well, Vondelle isn't orthodox, is he? >329 Another Thug has Chase to a wall, hand around her pearls. 329 > > BATMAN (OVER) > Excuse me. MIKE: Another Excuse me! > He head-butts the Thug. The guy goes down. > > Chase leans up and kisses him, hard and hot on the mouth. > The chemistry here is undeniable. CROW: Oh really? MIKE: I deny it utterly. > CHASE > Call me. > > Batman spins, goes for another group of Thugs. > > (OVER) POLICE SIRENS. > > TWO-FACE > Okay boys. Phase two. TOM: His favorite phase. > And with that, he and his Thugs race for the elevator. > The doors close. CROW: I am NOT impressed with Phase two. ALL: Run away! >330 (OVER) CHEERS erupt for Batman as he races onto the 330 > balcony -- and jumps! > >331 BATMAN'S - POV - AERIAL 331 > > Harvey and Thugs disappear past Under Construction signs, > down the stairs of an as yet completed subway station. > >332 EXT. RITZ GOTHAM - NIGHT 332 > > PARTY GUESTS - POV. Gripping the edges of his cape, Batman > glides 60 floors down the skyscraper towards the street. CROW: Smashing himself into a thin Bat-paste. >333 Batman plummets into the construction sight. 333 > >334 INT. DESERTED SUBWAY STATION - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 334 > > Gothic. Deserted. Under construction. Batman hits the > platform. MIKE: The Gothic I can see, but I wouldn't describe Batman as Deserted and Under Construction. > BATMAN - POV. Shadows race down the dark tunnel ahead. > > He pursues. > >335 TUNNEL 335 > > Harvey and Thugs, racing away. > > THUG > Bat's right behind us. > > TWO-FACE > Excellent. > >336 INT. ABANDONED STATION - VENTILATION SHAFT 336 > > A wide spiral staircase of scaffolding hugs the walls of > a tremendous ventilation shaft. TOM: Who's the superpowered ventilation machine who keeps your air fresh? MIKE and CROW: Shaft! TOM: That shaft is one mean . . . MIKE and CROW: Shut your mouth! TOM: Just talkin' about the ventilation shaft. > The Thugs race down the steps, knocking out bits of > scaffolding as they go, sending entire chunks of already > traversed staircase plummeting past them. > > PAN UP > > Batman arrives on a wide platform of scaffolding at the > top of the staircase. His cape whips up around him as if > from some low infernal wind. TOM: Gotta watch those burritos, Brucie. >337 BATMAN - POV. Down the fragmenting staircase, at the bottom 337 > of the shaft, a tremendous fan spins, chewing chunks of > falling scaffolding and plaster, spitting plumes of dust. CROW: Wow, what a brilliant architectural design! A stairway that will kill anyone who trips down it! >338 TWO-FACE 338 > > stands at the bottom of the well. He grabs a rack of > scaffolding and wrenches the old aluminum supports away. > >339 THE PLATFORM 339 > > where Batman is standing gives way, planks falling, > sending Batman tumbling towards the deadly blades below. CROW: He curses the architect under his breath. >340 BATMAN - POV. The giant whirling blades, coming up fast. 340 > >341 BATMAN falls, stairways and laughing Thugs whipping past. 341 > His hand shoots out and grabs > > A THUG > > by the jacket, wrenching the fabric over the goon's head, > jerking him hard into the railing like a human anchor. > > Batman climbs the struggling Thug like a ladder, leaps > onto the staircase, CRACKS the Thug's head on the rail, > then races down the stairs. CROW: Serendipity Man strikes again! >342 BOTTOM OF THE SHAFT 342 > > The remaining Thugs disappear through a dark doorway. > Batman runs past the BEATING fan blades into... TOM: Our own private Bat-hell. >343 INT. ABANDONED TUNNEL 343 > > Dark. Steep and sloping. The Thugs are running dead > ahead. Without stopping they begin grabbing pieces of > debris, flip them under their feet, begin riding down the > descending tunnel like snow-boarders. MIKE: That's it. I can not handle this! > Batman races after them. > >344 THE SNOWBOARDERS 344 > > really are good. They ride the rails. The low gas pipes. > Even bank the curving sides of the tunnel. MIKE: So, check me on this, Joker, Catwoman, and Penguin used up all the good Thugs, and all that Two-Face and crazypants here have left are snowboarders. TOM: It came in handy, didn't it? CROW: You worry me, Tom. >345 A THUG - CLOSE. Looks back to see Batman closing. Mistake. 345 TOM: A good way to describe this whole film! > WHIP PAN CROW: -- at screenwriter's head, making a satisfying *ding*! > as he is clotheslined by a low hanging danger sign. He > flies off the snowboard backwards. Out cold. > > Batman races past him. > >346 The end of the tunnel slopes so drastically the dark maw 346 > at the end seems more a pit than a door. MIKE: It's a pit. TOM: It's a door. CROW: You're both right, it's a pit AND a door! >347 The boarders circle and one by one, drop through like 347 > bits of filth down a drain. TOM: Which, essentially, they are. >348 Batman drops into the darkness landing on a small ledge. 348 > Beyond a precipitous drop he turns to face... CROW: The ruin that is his career. >349 INT. ABANDONED SUBWAY STATION 349 > > Years ago this cavernous space glistened with immense > Gothic statuary, elaborate tile mosaics, tremendous > decorative arches and spectacular cathedral ceilings. > > No more. > > Now the giant space, from floor to ceiling is a frozen > maelstrom of twisting cast iron trusses, broken steam > pipes, fragmented scaffolding and hanging cables. TOM: The Gotham Public School system! >350 Down these man-made slopes and obstacles ride the 350 > snowboarding Thugs. Cruising pipes. Jumping curved faces > of statues. Jacking from scaffold to truss. CROW: Is it just me or is this wearing a BIT thin? >351 Batman whips a pair of nun-chucks from his belt over a 351 > hanging metal rail, using the chain as a pulley, shoots > down a curving rail into the mad dance of twisting steel. > >352 A THUG 352 > > FIRES at him from his whizzing board as it careens along > an adjacent piece of scaffolding. > >353 BATMAN angles towards him, picking up speed. 353 > >354 THE THUG banks off some statuary. Takes a few more SHOTS. 354 TOM: Time to roll, people ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... [D13] CF: So ... Sherwood ... how long do you plan to stay? SF: Oh, didn't I tell you? I took over the lease on Deep 14. CF: [horrified] No! SF: [didn't notice] Yeah! Isn't it great? CF: [*very* dubious] Yeah. Great. SF: Yeah, as soon as my new assistant arrives, we're gonna [knock on door] Yay! He's here! [SHERWOOD almost -- but not quite -- skips to the door]. CF: [calls SOL, weakly:] ... help me ... [SOL] MIKE: Gee, I'd love to, Dr. F, but I'm not sure what we can do from *here* ... look out, here he comes. [D13] SZ: Ah, Clay, I'd like you to meet my new assistant, Igor. [IGOR is Quasimodo-like, with a hump on his left shoulder.] IGOR: [slurred] Pleased t'meet'cha. [SOL] ALL: IGOR?!? [D13] IGOR: Actually, it's Ed, but I had it changed for professional reasons. [in b.g., CLAY is staring at IGOR's hump, which is now inexplicably over his right shoulder. IGOR turns slowly and stares CLAY down; CLAY grins sheepishly.] Stop staring at my hump! CF: [gesturing vaguely] Bu-wha-I-wasn't your hump on the *left*? IGOR: [to SHERWOOD] I ain't workin' for him, too, am I? SF: No, no, you report only to me. IGOR: Good. [to CLAY] Buzz off, geekwad. [back to SHERWOOD] Any time you're ready, boss. SF: [walking towards door with IGOR] You know, I think this working relationship is going to work out just fine. [pats IGOR on the shoulder, causing his hump to slide back over to the left side.] CF: [watches helplessly until they close the door behind them] Guys, you *gotta* help me get rid of them! [SOL] CROW: I dunno, Doc, I kinda like them. [MIKE swats him on the shoulder] I mean, if I come up with anything, I'll let you know. [to MIKE] What'dja do *that* for? MIKE: [sternly] Hey, c'mon, the guy's in pain here! [to CLAY] We'll try to think of something. [Movie sign -- general panic] MIKE: [over the racket] I mean we'll try to think of something *later*! 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... >355 BATMAN shoots around the curve, jumps from one rail to 355 > the next, catches the villain in the face with his boot, > and sends him flying. TOM: Gratuitious snowboarding. Wonderful. >356 ANOTHER THUG shoots past over head. 356 > >357 BATMAN flips onto another pipe, is closing fast, chasing 357 > the Thug towards a loop that banks towards the blackness > of an abandoned tunnel. > > He is closing on the Thug. Closer. Closer. MIKE: Yes, yes . . . >358 Suddenly the Thug, hops to a truss, the rail Batman is on 358 > whipping him around a curve that banks into the mouth of > the tunnel. (OVER) GUNSHOTS. > >359 TWO-FACE 359 > > stands in the shadows, FIRING his machine pistol, blowing > a hole in the curving rail directly in front of Batman. > >360 The RAIL breaks. 360 CROW: Two-face should stop trying to kill people by shooting their surroundings and just shoot THEM. > Batman flies off directly into the dark tunnel. > >361 BATMAN - POV. A rushing darkness. He SMASHES into a wall. 361 > >362 INT. MOUTH OF TUNNEL 362 > > Two-Face stands staring into the dark with his Thugs. He > grabs an aging valve wheel set into the crumbling wall. > > TWO-FACE > Nothing worse than a bad case of > gas. TOM: That does explain all the excuse me's. > He begins to turn the CREAKING wheel. > >363 INT. INNER TUNNEL 363 > > A long forgotten pipe by Batman begins to HISS a thick > purple gas. > > >364 INT. MOUTH OF TUNNEL 364 > > Two-Face swings a grenade launcher before him. Takes a > step back. Aims into the tunnel. > > TWO-FACE > Lights. Camera. Action. TOM: Plot? Acting? Concept? > > As his Thugs scramble for cover, Two-Face FIRES. The > grenade flies into the tunnel, SLAMMING into the gas > main. AN EXPLOSION. > > Suddenly a tremendous secondary EXPLOSION. Debris falls > everywhere as the gas ignites, the mouth of the tunnel > suddenly brightening into a flaming white fireball. > >365 INT. TUNNEL 365 > > The huge fireball rushes towards Batman. Batman wraps > himself in his cape. CROW: So there's enough left to bury. >366 HAND - CLOSE. As he reaches to his utility belt. Presses a 366 > stud there. TOM: What's Chris O'Donnell doing in his utility belt? >367 His cape begins to run and flow like water morphing into 367 > a protective sphere just as... CROW: I'm leaving. MIKE: [Forces Crow back down]: Oh, no you don't. TOM: We all have to suffer through this together. >368 A tremendous fireball ROARS races down the tunnel 368 > engulfing Batman in a world of flame. > >369 INT. MOUTH OF TUNNEL 369 > > Two-Face stands staring into the inferno. > > Billowing smoke, residual flame and falling debris > everywhere. No Batman. A moment of dead quiet. TOM: The audience hopes . . . > > TWO-FACE > Finally. > > Then Two-Face's smirk vanishes. > > THUG > It can't be. > >370 REVERSE ANGLE 370 > > A shape rises, phoenix-like, out of the flames. The > figure moves forward. MIKE: Screaming in pain, covered in third-degree burns. >371 BATMAN - CLOSE. As his cape parts over his face. 371 > > WIDER > > He lifts his arms, the cape splitting down the center, > reverting to it's original form, arms going wide to > familiar wings. > > The Bat heads towards Two-Face and his men. > >372 TWO-FACE - CLOSE. Consumed with rage. 372 > > He grabs a section of the wall's support scaffolding > and begins to wrench it free with crazed fury. > > TWO-FACE > Why won't you just die?! > MIKE: Cause I'm gonna ride the merchandise train into Nirvana, dude! > In a final rage of maniacal fury, Harvey wrenches the > scaffolding free. It's ancient supports gone... TOM: Not thinking there, are you Harvey? >373 THE CEILING 373 > > begins to crack and fall, debris pouring in at an ever > more furious pace. > > BATMAN is suddenly doused in a rain of rock and sand. > >374 THE TUNNEL 374 > > between Harvey and Batman is obstructed by tons of > falling metal and plaster and sand. TWO-FACE stands as > the ceiling falls all around him. > >375 BATMAN is driven down by a storm of wreckage. 375 > >376 TWO-FACE can barely contain his joy. Plaster and rubble 376 > fall ever more furiously. > TOM: Harvery always hated drywall, and now he has rich revenge. > >377 BATMAN stumbles as the ground beneath him suddenly gives, 377 > sucking him into a quickly filling pit of sand and tile. > > He reaches for his utility belt but its too late. > >378 BATMAN is nearly buried, sand coming up over his mouth, 378 > his eyes, until finally he is gone. MIKE: Oh, I can only hope. >379 TWO-FACE stands watching, eyes full of childish delight. 379 > > The floor in front of him begins to give way, running > with deep cracks. > > TWO-FACE > Boys, let's go have us a party. > (turning) > Anybody else feel like donuts? MIKE: No sir, we feel like chicken tonight. > > Harvey and his men head away, up out of the tunnels. > >380 THE SAND PIT - CLOSE. Still. No motion. 380 > > A gloved hand breaks the surface, clutching a Batarang. A > weak flip of the wrist. > > The Batarang hist the sand. > > The hand goes limp. A beat. Another. Suddenly... > > A GREEN GLOVED HAND - CLOSE. Grabs Batman's hand. > MIKE: Ed? > WIDER > > Dick hangs on a wire above Batman in an aerialist's > maneuver. He secures his grip and pulls. > > DICK - CLOSE. Straining. > > Suddenly, Batman's face breaks the sand. TOM: Richard breaks wind . . . CROW: And the writers break all sense of decency. > > Dick uses the leverage of his body on the rope to pull > harder. Batman begins to rise. Free. > > The two face each other. Hands still clasped. MIKE: Love blooms. >381 INT. BATCAVE - LATER 381 > > Bruce sits in his robe being bandaged by Alfred. Dick is > pacing. > > BRUCE > What the hell did you think you were > doing? CROW: Just hanging around. > > DICK > You have a real gratitude problem. > You know that, Bruce? I need a name. > Batboy? The Dark Earl? What's a good > side kick name? CROW: How about Bullet-Stopping Lad? > > BRUCE > How about Richard Grayson, college > student? CROW: No, that's not as catchy. > > DICK > ...I missed Two-Face by a heartbeat. > When we catch him, you gotta let me > kill him! MIKE: How about we flip for it? > > BRUCE > We don't kill. Killing is what damns > you. It-. What am I talking about? > This conversation is over. You're > going away to school. > > DICK > I saved your life. You owe me. So > either you let me be your partner or > I'm going after Harvey on my own. TOM: Ah, the emotional maturity of the teen sidekick. > > And with that Dick turns and storms out of the Batcave. > > BRUCE > It's starting all over again, > Alfred. Another boy lost to rage. > And it's my fault. If Harvey hadn't > come gunning for me at the > circus...His family... > > Bruce glances at Gotham Times, of Headline- "Bat More > Harm Than Good?" CROW: The he reads the latest 'Dilbert.' > > BRUCE > Maybe they're right. > > ALFRED > Which `they' might that be, sir? > > BRUCE > Jack Napier's dead. My parents are > avenged. The Wayne Foundation > contributes a small fortune to > police and crime prevention > programs. > > Bruce touches a cowl resting on the control panel. > > BRUCE > Why do I keep doing this? CROW: Because the studio wants the money. > > ALFRED > Why, indeed? > TOM: Why ask why? Dress like a bat and fly. > BRUCE > Could I let Batman go? For Dick. For > me. Could I leave the shadows? Have > a life. Friends. Family... > > ALFRED > Dr. Meridian... TOM: No, I said I wanted a NORMAL life. > > Bruce touches his lips, the spot Chase kissed Batman. MIKE: The sores are already spreading. > > BRUCE > (pained) > She's the first woman in a long time > that's... No. She's the first woman TOM: Yeah, let's forget the first two films. > > ever. And she loves Batman. Not > Bruce Wayne. If I let go of Batman > I'll lose her. > > ALFRED > Perhaps. Perhaps not. Why not ask > the lady? CROW: [Alfred Voice] Why don't I sneak her into the Batcave . . . ah, it didn't work the last time. > > BRUCE > How? As Batman, knowing she wants > me? Or as Bruce Wayne and hope...? TOM: Or Clark or Superman . . . > > Bruce reaches to the phone. Hits an autodial key. > (OVER) TONES as the phone begins to dial. > > PHONE (CHASE) > Hello?..Hello?..Who is this? TOM: I'm wearing a leather batsuit. What are you wearing? > > He disconnects the phone. > > BRUCE > Who am I Alfred? I don't think I > know anymore. > >382 INT. CHASE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 382 > > Dark. Moonlight through curtains. Night SOUNDS. > CROW: Muggings, armed robberies, etc. > Chase lays asleep in bed. A shadow crosses her face. She > stirs. > > REVERSE ANGLE > > At the french doors to her bedroom stands a familiar > silhouette. Batman. MIKE: Great. Now he's graduated from vigilantism to stalking. > > Chase rises, moves across the room, the pale light > catching her white nightgown. She pulls the doors wide. > > Chase faces him, bodies close. She reaches up, touches > his mask. Kisses him. His cape WHIPS around her. > MIKE: I feel like I shouldn't be watching this. > THE KISS - CLOSE. Passionate. Sustained. Chase pulls away. > > CHASE > I'm sorry. > (sorry) > I can't believe it. I've imagined > this moment since I first saw you. > (touching his glove) > Your hands. > (touching his mask) > Your face. > (touching his chest) > Your body. CROW: The sixty pounds of black rubber. > > She turns, walks across the room. MIKE: And runs out the front door as fast as her hot little legs can carry her! > > CHASE > And now I have you and.... > (shaking her head) > Guess a girl has to grow up > sometime. > > She comes back to him, touches his cheek. > > CHASE > I've met someone. He's not...you. > But... I hope you can understand. CROW: He's really nice, works in law enforcement, wears red tights, and runs at hundreds of miles an hour. > > He sees now that over her desk, her Batman's memorabilia > has been replaced by photos and files on Bruce Wayne. > > BATMAN - CLOSE. Smiles. > > Then he's over the balcony and gone, a shadow on the wing > in the dead of night. MIKE: I'd be touched, if there was any form of romantic tragedy whatsoever. >383 INT. CLAW ISLAND CONTROL CENTER - DAY 383 > > On his throne, in his sphere, electronically getting more > brilliant every second, Edward fills all his screens with > Chase's image from the party. MIKE: He shows no remorse in ripping off ideas from the first film. > > HIS BRAIN - CLOSE. CROW: PINKY - RIGHT BEHIND Rivulets of neural energy ripple and > dance as his brain grows under his magenta hair. > > Suddenly Two-Face gets him by the throat. > > TWO-FACE > You know, Ed, we woke up this > morning, we just knew we were gonna > kill something. The Bat got away. > Looks like it's gonna be you. > TOM: This is what we in psychology call "Sublimation." MIKE: Funny, I call it being a psycho hosebeast. > Two-Face draws his gun with his free hand. Trains it on > Riddler's head. By the look in his eyes, he's serious. CROW: As serious as a twisted, scarred, menage-a-trois-loving two-toned psychopath can get at least. > > TWO-FACE > Why do we need you? You only come > between us. We can be the smartest > person in Gotham City. We want the > empire for ourselves. Time's up, > laughing boy. > > RIDDLER > Kill me? Well, alright. Go ahead. > Take the empire. All yours. > (grabbing his own head) > Hell, Harv, old pals. I'll kill me > for you. TOM: Say what you will, but Ed is polite. > > Riddler grabs his hair, starts SLAMMING his own head into > the desk-top. CROW: [As Two-Face]: Hey, you're ruining a perfectly good desk! > > RIDDLER > Too...bad...about...Batman. > > Harvey grabs his head. Stops him. > > TWO-FACE > What about Batman? > > > Riddler smooths his hair. > > RIDDLER > What if you could know a man's mind? > Would you not then own that man? > TOM: Duh . . . > Riddler hits a switch. Suddenly his screens fill with the > image of Bruce stepping into the simulation at the party. > > RIDDLER > A few dozen extra IQ points and my > little invention learned a new > trick. It does more than drain your > brain. It makes a map of your mind. MIKE: It's still hard to fold and put back in the glove compartment, but, hey . . . > > The screens change, now showing a turning schematic of a > brain, alive with neural lightning. > > RIDDLER > Would you like to see what my old > friend Bruce has in his head. > >384 Riddler hits a switch. Another image pulls free from the 384 > schematic brain. A trapped bat. Fierce. Monstrous. The > very picture of imagined evil, made live. Bruce's > nightmare. MIKE: One belfry comment and I'm ejecting myself into space. > > RIDDLER > Riddle me this, what kind of man has > bats on the brain? CROW: Looks like you get to live, Mike. > > Two-Face stares at him. > > RIDDLER > Go ahead. You can say it. > > TWO-FACE > You're a genius. > > The tow begin to LAUGH. > >385 CLOSE ON BAT 385 > > It's a fake one on top of a pole. MIKE: The budget just ran out. >386 CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL 386 > > Group of YOUNG KIDS in Halloween costumes running through > GOTHAM CEMETERY - DUSK > > Two gravestones alone on a hill under a tree. > > The kids pass Bruce who is visiting his family's graves. > > KIDS > Happy Halloween. > > BRUCE > Happy Halloween. CROW: Enjoy your stay in the graveyard kids! > > Bruce lays two roses on Thomas and Martha Wayne's graves. > > BATMAN > ...Tonight it ends. > >387 DICK (OVER) 387 > What the hell do you mean, it ends? TOM: It's a term to mean the termination of an activity. > > WIDER > > INT. BATCAVE > > Bruce and Dick are in mid-conversation. > > BRUCE > From this day on, Batman is no more. MIKE: Then this film was seriously mis-titled. > > Bruce hits a switch. The machines in the cave go dark. > > DICK > You can't-. TOM: You have to at least shut off Windows before powering down! > > BRUCE > Dick, let go. Revenge will eat you > alive. Trust me. I know. > > DICK > But what about all the good we can > do? There are monsters out there. > Gotham needs us. TOM: What else am I going to do to work out my adolescent power fantasies? > > BRUCE > And when you finally get Two-Face? > CROW: I will take a year to give him a continuous noogie. > Dick looks away. > > BRUCE > Exactly. And once you'd killed him > you'd be lost. Like me. > (off the cave) > All this has to be a choice. > Otherwise...it's a curse. TOM: Now, check me, but wasn't he choosing to be a costumed wierdo? > > DICK > Bruce, you can't. > > BRUCE > Chase is coming for dinner. Why > don't you join us. CROW: So I can watch more forced love scenes? Sure! > > And with that, Bruce turns, heads up into the house. Dick > stands all alone in the still, dark cave. > > (OVER) A doorbell RINGS. > >388 EXT. WAYNE MANOR 388 > > Alfred opens the doors to the Trick or Treaters we saw > earlier. Hands out bags of candy. > >389 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - ACCESS ROAD 389 > > A mysterious van sits parked on the gravel byway. TOM: Scully and Mulder carefully case the house. They know they are close. > >390 INT. VAN 390 > > Two-Face, Riddler, and men sit watching the manor. > >391 RIDDLER - POV. A taxi pulls up. Chase emerges as the Trick 391 > or Treaters leave. > >392 RIDDLER 392 > And today not even my birthday. TOM: It doesn't need to be a special day to ruin a man's life! > > Two-Face couldn't care less about Chase. He tosses his >393 coin. HOLD ON the spinning faces as (OVER) we hear... 393 > > TWO-FACE > Bruce, Batman. Bruce, Batman. > >394 INT. COSTUME VAULT, BATCAVE - NIGHT 394 > > Opens with a HISS. Dick passes the Batman costumes until > he comes to a standing figure different from the rest. CROW: It's a Toreador outfit with bunny ears. > > His Robin costume. He packs to leave forever. >395 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE 395 > > Dick rides his motorcycle through the protective hologram > of the trees, heading away into the dark night. > >396 INT. WAYNE MANOR - DINING ALCOVE - NIGHT 396 > > Intensely romantic. Filled with live roses, Alfred leaves > having served an intimate candlelight dinner to Bruce and > Chase. CROW: How intimate could it be with old crag-puss there? > > BRUCE > There's something I want to talk > with you about. It's...Well, we.. > I... TOM: I live with a teenage boy. He followed me home. Can we keep him? > > CHASE > Okay, tiger, take it slow. You going > to give me your pin or something? > > Bruce LAUGHS. He's obviously having trouble. CROW: Acting. > > CHASE > Let me go first, okay? I think I've > found something. About your dreams. > I pulled the files on your parents' > murders. There was a missing diary, > Bruce. Alfred told the police your > father always kept it on his desk. > But the day after the murders, it > was gone. Maybe that's the book > you're- > > But Bruce isn't listening. He's pressing his eyes. Hard. CROW: He's got a headache and it has Chase Meridian written all over it. 397 BRUCE - POV. A series of images. The coffins. The book. The 397 > run through the stormy night. The fall. The bat. > >398 CHASE 398 > What is it? What's wrong? > > BRUCE > Flashes. Images. Of that night. > > CHASE > Your memories are repressed. They're > trying to break through. Relax. Try > to remember-. > > BRUCE > I don't want to remember! MIKE: I can't deal with Keaton's memories! > > CHASE > Stop fighting. > > A long beat. Then Bruce Wayne surrenders, leans back. > Closes his eyes. Remembers. TOM: The clown suit, the whipped cream, the fedora. All of it. > > BRUCE > My parents are laid out in the > library. Their skin smells like > talcum powder. I'm so small. My > father's diary is on his desk like > always. I'm opening the book. > Reading. I'm running out into the > storm. The book is in my hands. I > can't hear my screams over the rain. > I'm falling... > > CHASE > What does it say? What hurts so > much, Bruce? What does the book say? TOM: It says "Bruce isn't nearly as nice as the Kent boy." > > BRUCE > I don't-. > > CHASE > You do know. Try. > > Bruce opens his eyes. Clear. He remembers. > > BRUCE > The last entry read, Bruce insists > on seeing a movie tonight. > (a beat) > Bruce insists. I made them go out. I > made them take me to the movie. To > that theater... > (finally) > It was my fault. I killed them. MIKE: Let's pray he commits suicide and ends this all for us and for him. > > CHASE > Oh God, Bruce, you were a child. You > weren't responsible. > > BRUCE > (to himself) > ...Not the bat? > > CHASE > What? > > BRUCE > I always thought it was the bat that > scared me that night that changed > my life. But it wasn't. The real > fear was hiding underneath: what I > read in the journal, that my parents' > deaths were my fault. That's what I > couldn't remember. That's the crime > I've been paying for all these > years. MIKE [Waving hands]: Wow, the catharsis is getting pretty thick. TOM and CROW: [Start choking] > > CHASE > What are you talking about? > > BRUCE > Chase. There's something I need to > tell you-- > > (OVER) The doorbell RINGS. > >399 FRONT DOOR 399 > > Alfred peers out to a sea of Halloween Masks. > > LITTLE VOICE > Trick or Treat? > > Alfred grabs his candy bags as he opens the door to... > >400 The Riddler, Two-Face and the Thugs. 400 > CROW [Alfred Voice]: Aren't you boys a little old to be tricker- treating? > > RIDDLER > Trick. > > He CRACKS Alfred on the head with his cane. Down he goes. > > TWO-FACE > (to his thugs) > Get the girl. TOM: [Sebastian the crab voice]: Go ahead and git de girl! > >401 INT. DINING ALCOVE 401 > > (OVER) A COMMOTION. > > BRUCE > What the hell? > > Thugs appear at both doorways. > > Bruce moves fast as he grabs a silver serving tray, flips > it into one of the screaming Thugs' faces, swings the > platter into the other's head. Two down. TOM: Two-Face and query-pants were scraping the bottom of the thug barrel, weren't they? MIKE: They shouldn't have hired all those snowboarders. > > Bruce grabs Chase's hand and they're out the door, racing > fast, several more henchmen in close pursuit. > >402 MEANWHILE 402 > > The Riddler uses the scanner in the head of his cane to > locate and open the secret door to the Batcave. TOM: Well, it's not secret anymore. >403 INT. HALLWAY 403 > > Bruce and Chase race towards the stairway. Bruce pulls > standing display suits of armor to the floor as he goes, > blocking the Thugs' way. > >404 INT. BAT CAVE 404 > > Riddler has found heaven. > MIKE: It's on the seventh floor. From his pouch he produces tiny > green bombs shaped like bats. He winds one up, its head > SCREECHING with each twist of the neck, lets it fly. > > RIDDLER > What's that I hear? MIKE: Us, snoring. > >405 Like a tiny bat, the first bomb flies into the video 405 > wall. A tremendous EXPLOSION. > >406 RIDDLER 406 > Why it must be the fat lady getting > ready to sing. > TOM: Rosanne Arnold? MIKE: I hope not. > >407 The next bat-bomb > CROW: In other words, the NEXT film. flaps into the costume vault. BLOWS 407 > >408 it completely. The crime lab EXPLODES next. 408 > >409 The Riddler winds a bunch of bat-bombs now, lets them 409 > fly. The tiny green bats sail high forming a giant > question mark in mid-air before plummeting suddenly in > formation down into the cockpit of the Batmobile. > >410 RIDDLER 410 > (Jack's favorite line) > Gonna have a hot time in the old > town tonight. > (a beat) > Who used to say that? Somebody > always used to say that. TOM: Oh, wow, pseudo-continuity. MIKE: Half the calories of real continuity. > >411 The car EXPLODES. 411 > TOM: And Allstate is there. > > >412 INT. WAYNE MANOR - GRAND STAIRCASE 412 > > Bruce and Chase flee up the giant staircase, the Thugs a > step behind. One two-toned bad-guy leaps forward, gets a > fistful of Chase's dress. TOM: Clint Eastwood in "A Fistful of Dress." She goes down. Looks like she's > done for. At the last moment, Chase gives a mighty kick > and the Thug topples backwards, down the stairs. > > Bruce is holding off a couple more, closing near the top > step. He spins, a powerful roundhouse clocking one in the > head, sending him backwards down the stairs. TOM: Insulted, the stairs stalk off into "The Bridges of Madison County" for some rest. > > BRUCE > Go! > > Chase moves behind him, up to the landing, turns to see > Bruce fell another with a spinning back kick, a third > with a flying back-fist. > > Bruce and Chase race to the top of the stairs. > >413 TWO-FACE stands on the floor below. Just the moment he's 413 > been waiting for. > > TWO-FACE > See ya. > TOM: Wouldn't want to be ya. CROW: You can say that again. > He SHOOTS. The bullet grazes Bruce's head. He falls down > the grand staircase. > > CHASE SCREAMS as Thugs grab her. > > BRUCE hits the floor. Hard. No movement. None at all. MIKE: And very little acting. > > TWO-FACE > Bruce, you sure know how to throw a > party. > > Two-Face stands over the prostrate form. Draws his gun. SLAMS > in a new clip of ammo. > > RIDDLER (OVER) > Sheath your weapon my impetuous > cohort. > >414 Riddler has appeared from the Batcave. 414 > > TWO-FACE > We want to dust him. We truly want > to dust him bad. TOM: Get me the broom. > > RIDDLER > Oh yes, and certainly _WE_ will! TOM: All three of us. > > Riddler walks over to the unconscious Wayne. Kneels. > Looks at him, tender, like a lover. Caresses his face. MIKE: If no one minds, I'm going to curl up into a little ball for a while. > > RIDDLER > My poor sweet hero. > MIKE: [Makes strangled, pained noises] > He stands, kicks him hard in the rib cage. Bones CRACK. > TOM: It's okay Mike, it's just mindless violence. MIKE: [Uncurls] > RIDDLER > We'll kill him alright. But first... > (calling) > Boys. > > With that, the Thugs drag out a freshly bound Chase. CROW: Ah, there's nothing like the smell of a freshly bound Chase. > > CHASE > Bruce! > > Riddler drops an envelope (RIDDLE #4) on Bruce. > > RIDDLER > ...We're going to make him suffer. CROW: And what you did before was . . . > >415 INT. BATCAVE 415 > > Sputtering. Burning. > TOM: Itching, chafing. > >416 THE COSTUME VAULT 416 > > BATSUIT - CLOSE. Surrounded by licking flames, the Bat > emblem begins to melt. > > DISSOLVE TO > >417 BRUCE'S EYE - CLOSE 417 > >418 ZOOM IN 418 > > as we fall again into a dark hole, the Monarch Bat flying > straight at the CAMERA, his red eye filling the SCREEN. > > DISSOLVE TO > >419 BRUCE'S EYE - CLOSE 419 > > WIDER > >420 INT. BRUCE'S BEDROOM - MORNING 420 > > Bruce is in bed, head bandaged. Alfred is walking a > doctor to the door. CROW: So, what are you doing this evening, we could have tea . . . oh, sorry, the spoiled little psychopath who employs me is awake. > > DOCTOR > The injuries are relatively minor. > The shot did cause a concussion. > Watch for headaches. Memory lapses. > Odd behavior. TOM: [Alfred voice] Like living a normal life and not dressing up as a bat? I'll check back in a > few days. > > Alfred ushers him out, returns to Bruce's bedside. > > ALFRED > How are you feeling, young man? > > BRUCE > Not that young. It's been a long > time since you've called me that. MIKE: Then how about, "How are you feeling, you aging pervert?" > > ALFRED > Old habits die hard. Are you > alright? > > BRUCE > As well as can be expected, I guess. > Give me the bad news. > TOM: People want Keaton back. > ALFRED > Dick has run away. They have taken > Dr. Meridian. And I'm afraid they > found the cave, sir. It's been > destroyed. > > Bruce looks up at Alfred, eyes narrow, puzzled. > > BRUCE > The case? What cave? > >421 EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS ROOFTOP 421 > > The Batsignal lights the sky. Gordon paces. > > GORDON > Where is he? TOM: We had a date, damnit! > > A concerned DEPUTY emerges onto the roof. > > DEPUTY > The Mayor's called again. > (off the signal) > He's not going to show. Maybe he's > hurt sir. Maybe he's--. > > GORDON > No! > (not so sure) > ...No. > >422 INT. BATCAVE 422 > > Or what's left of it. Melted ruin and rubble. Bruce > stands with a worried Alfred, surveying the landscape. > MIKE: [Bruce Voice]: Where is the maid, Al? > > BRUCE > (disbelieving) > I'm Batman? I remember my life as > Bruce Wayne. > (looking around) > But all this. It's like the life of > a stranger. > > ALFRED > Perhaps the fall... > > BRUCE > There's one other thing. I feel.. CROW: A need to wear tights. > > ALFRED > What? > > BRUCE > ...Afraid. TOM: You and me both. > > ALFRED > Bruce. Son. Listen to me. You are a > kind man. A strong man. But in truth > you are not the most sane man. > > BRUCE > ...A bat. > > ALFRED > What? > > BRUCE > I remember a bat. A monster. A > demon. Chasing me. > (child's terror) > Oh my God, Alfred. CROW: We've got to save Willow! Wait a moment . . . > > ALFRED > No demons, son. > (touching his head) > Your monsters are here. Until you > fact that, I fear you will spend > your life fleeing them. > >423 INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL ROOM 423 > > Riddler sits on his throne, absorbing pulses of neural > energy, his head growing. TOM: He suddenly realize how far he's come since "Fireman Bill." > > RIDDLER > It's happy time Gotham. Have you > hugged your little boxes today? > (singing) > I'm in heaven. I'm in heaven with a > girl like you. > >424 WIDER 424 > > Chase has been chained to the floor of his throne. > > CHASE > Batman will come for me. MIKE: [Restrains himself from commenting] > > RIDDLER > (singing) > Someday my bat will come. Some day > my bat will come. > (suddenly lethal) > I'm counting on it. > > He puts his face close to Chase's. > > CHASE > You're frying your brain. TOM: [Riddler voice] Actually, I'm making it into a lovely omlette. > > RIDDLER > Nap time gorgeous. > > The Riddler draws a hypo filled with green liquid. He > plunges it into her neck as she passes out. > TOM: She beings hallucinating and dancing with Carlos Castaneda. > >425 INT. BATCAVE 425 > > Bruce stands before a dark, rocky mouth. Through this > passage, the cave as it once was, sweating granite, a > shifting world of shadow. > > Bruce steps inside. > >426 INT. INNER BATCAVE 426 > > FAVOR BRUCE as he walks deeper into the darkness. The > walls around him undulate, as if covered in water. > >427 WALLS - CLOSER. The movement isn't water at all. It's the 427 > restless shrugging of bats. Thousands of bats. > >428 Bruce presses on. Sweat beads on his face. 428 > CROW: A lovely shower of guano rains down. > > Ahead, a diffusion of moonlight illuminates a curving > rock chamber, bats here too bringing the walls to life. > > Bruce moves into the moonlight. Looks up. > >429 BRUCE - POV. A narrow chute. The fall he took as a child. 429 > > He kneels, there on the floor, worn by years of weather, > a single book. A diary. > CROW: The Plot Device Police on patrol! > > Bruce kneels, touches the leather cover, fingers > lingering for a moment on his father's embossment, before > he turns yellowed pages to the last entry. Painfully, by > moonlight, he reads. > > BRUCE (OVER) > (dreaded confirmation) > Bruce insists on seeing a movie > tonight... TOM: Damn those Power Rangers! > > He pauses, gathers himself. He continues. > > BRUCE (OVER) > But Martha and I have our hearts set > on Zorro, so Bruce's cartoon will > have to wait until next week. > > Bruce stares at the book in disbelief. Then he looks up > at the moonlight, tears streaming down his face. > > BRUCE > ...Not my fault. It wasn't my fault. TOM: You mean I put on this stupid costume and acted like an idiot for nothing! >430 Suddenly, in the darkness ahead, a dark shape moves, head 430 > rising, slits opening to reveal two blood red eyes. > > The giant monarch bat spreads its wings, huge, as it > rises, suddenly airborne, rushing toward him. > >431 BRUCE - CLOSE. And terrified. He turns to run. The bat's 431 > flapping wings BEAT like drums, closing fast. > > Bruce holds his ground. Resolved. He turns and faces the > monster, SCREECHING towards him, glistening fangs barely > inches from his face. > > Something remarkable happens. The bat holds its > position, stares into Bruce's eyes, wings spreading wide. MIKE: Then collapses in pained laughter. > > A beat. Then Bruce raises his arms, a living mirror. The > two stand facing each other, man and bat. In the moon- > light on the wall, their shadows begin to blend, to > merge, becoming one _SHIMMERING WHITE LIGHT!_ CROW: Ah, the gratuitous neomystical cathartic adventure. > >432 INT. BATCAVE 432 > > The mouth of the inner cave. A sudden SCREAMING DIN as a > storm of bats explode into the cave, a shooting column of > life and there, from within, steps a man. > >433 REVERSE ANGLE 433 > > ALFRED stands at the entrance. > > ALFRED > Master, Bruce? > > BRUCE > ...Batman, Alfred. I'm Batman. > MIKE: [Alfred Voice] Whatever you say [ under his breath] arrogant little pipsqueak. > >434 EXT. NIGHT SKY 434 > > The Batsignal shines. Suddenly the air above the familiar > circle begins to shimmer and glow, becoming... > > A giant green question mark. The Batsignal itself is now > just the small period at the symbol's bottom. TOM: Shouldn't this film have been called "Riddler Forever?" >435 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT 435 > > Bruce stands at the ruined control platform. Riddles are > spread before him. Including the most recent. > > BRUCE > All the answers are numbers. > > ALFRED > But 1, 3, 1, 8, & 5. What do they mean? TOM: They're numbers, used to indicate quantity . . . > > BRUCE > What do maniacs always want? MIKE: You should know. > > ALFRED > Recognition, of course. MIKE: I rest my case. > > BRUCE > Precisely. So this number is > probably some kind of calling card. > > Bruce stares at the numbers. Adds them: 18. Squares them: > 1916425. No luck. Starts again, separating them: 13/18/5. > > BRUCE > Letters in the alphabet. > > ALFRED > Of course. 13 is M....MRE. MIKE: Meal Ready to Eat? > > BRUCE > How about, MR. E. > > ALFRED > Mystery. > > BRUCE > And another name for Mystery? > > ALFRED > Enigma. > > BRUCE > Exactly. Mr. E. Mister Edward Nygma. ALL: Wow. How brilliant. That Bruce Wayne . . . > >436 INT. STONE STAIRCASE 436 > > Bruce leads Alfred through a secret stairway. > > BRUCE > Good thing Mr. E. didn't know about > the cave under the cave. > TOM: The subcave. > >437 INT. SUBTERRANEAN CAVE 437 > > Dark, jagged, surrounded by water. Here, the Batwing and > Batboat are stored. > MIKE: Along with the lesser-known Batskis, Batpogostick, and Bat roller- blades. > > ALFRED > What now sir? > > BRUCE > Claw Island. Nygma's headquarters. > I'm sure that's where they're > keeping Chase. TOM: If I'm wrong, let's just keep it between us. > (realizing) > Are all the Batsuits destroyed? > > ALFRED > All except the prototype with the > sonar modifications you so > disapprove of. But it hasn't yet > been tested. CROW: [Carol Channing voice]: How conveeeenient. > > BRUCE > Tonight's a good night. TOM: To die. > >438 CLOSE ON - Batman's fist being shoved into a new gauntlet. 438 > >439 CLOSE ON - Batman's new boot snapping shut. 439 > >440 CLOSE ON - the improved Utility Belt buckling on firmly. 440 > >441 CLOSE ON - the new cowl sliding down over Batman's head. 441 > >442 PULL BACK TO REVEAL 442 > > The Batman - a darker enemy to fear. > MIKE: And a new action figure to sell. > > > BATMAN > What do you suggest, Alfred. By sea or by air? > > DICK (OVER) > Why not both? > > A figure steps out of the shadows. Dick. MIKE: Richard! Richard! Richard! Richard! > > The cape is now black, yellow on the inside only. A red > armored vest compliments green tights with knee armor, a > utility belt and flexible black boots. > > BATMAN > Dick... Where did you get that suit? > > ALFRED > I...um..took the liberty, sir. > > DICK > I thought you could use a friend. > > Bruce stares at him a beat. > > BATMAN > Not a friend. CROW: Something more . . . > > He extends his hand. > > BATMAN > A partner. > > The Dynamic Duo clasp hands. ALL: Awwwwwwww . . . > >443 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - TENNIS COURT - NIGHT 443 > > Fast clouds. Bowing trees. > > Suddenly, the entire tennis court slides away. > > The Batwing rises into the night sky. > >444 EXT. STORM DRAIN 444 > > The Batboat hits the water. > MIKE: And continues pummeling it into submission. > >445 EXT. ROOFTOP OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT 445 > > Commissioner Gordon and his deputy, standing vigil under > the false moon of the Batsignal. > > GORDON > (finally) > He's not coming. Shut it down. TOM: I bet Chase worried she'd have to say the same thing some day. > > The Deputy reaches for the power switch. Suddenly, a ROAR > cuts the night. > >446 ANGLE UP TO 446 > > The Batsignal. The ROAR grows louder. Light and shadow > dance, for a second it seems the Batsignal itself is > flying toward us. Suddenly -- > > The Batwing bursts _through_ the signal. > CROW: Glass flies everywhere. > >447 The dark plane BUZZES Police Headquarters, dipping a wing 447 > to Gordon. > >448 A triumphant Gordon waves Batman onward. 448 > TOM: With only one finger. > >449 INT. COCKPIT 449 > > Working the controls, Batman is back. > ALL: And there's gonna be trouble, hey-na, hey-na, Batman's back! > >450 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT 450 > > Still, night waters. > > Suddenly, the Batboat, running silent and dark, cuts > across the harbor. > >451 Dick is at the helm, wearing night-vision goggles. 451 > >452 DICK'S POV -- INFRA-RED. Claw Island looms ahead. 452 > >453 SEARCHLIGHTS 453 > > atop the island headquarters pop on, one by one, flooding > the water with light. MIKE: But thanks to corrupt Superfund managers, the muck and pollution protect our heroes! > >454 INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL CENTER - NIGHT 454 > > The Riddler and Two-Face stand clutching controls on > opposite sides of a holographically generated game of > Battleship. > > Each is firing tiny blips at the small dot crossing the > floating screen. > MIKE: Shouldn't they be firing at Batman and Robin? > RIDDLER > A-14. > > TWO-FACE > Miss. TOM: Occasionally. > >455 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT 455 > > A mortar EXPLODES aft of the Batboat, shooting a WATER > SPOUT high in the sky. > >456 INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL CENTER - NIGHT 456 > > TWO-FACE > B-12. > > RIDDLER > A miss. And my favorite vitamin, I > might add. > >457 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR 457 > > Another EXPLOSION to stern. > > Dick is thrown as a third shell hits the Batboat. The > craft EXPLODES. > >458 INT. NYGMATECH - RECREATION ROOM 458 > > TWO-FACE > A hit. > > RIDDLER > You sunk my battleship. MIKE: Ha. > >459 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT 459 > > Dick slips a re-breather into his mouth. Dives > underwater, starts to swim towards Claw Island. > >460 UNDERWATER 460 > > A SPEAR shoots past leaving a trail of bubbles. Another. > >461 A HIDDEN BUNKER 461 > > issues a stream of armed frogmen. > MIKE: This is the murderous world of Jaques Cousteau. > >462 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT 462 > > The BATWING soars over the water. > >463 INT. BATWING COCKPIT 463 > > INFRA-RED SCREEN - CLOSE > > A Dick blip, besieged underwater by frogmen blips. > CROW: What's the difference between a Dick blip and frogmen blips? MIKE: Crow, please. > >464 EXT. CLAW ISLAND - NIGHT 464 > > A laser shoots from the top of the stronghold, neatly > >465 severing one of the Batwing's wings. 465 > >466 EXT. BATWING - GOTHAM HARBOR - NIGHT 466 > > The Batwing dives straight into the river. > >467 INT. COCKPIT 467 > > BATMAN - POV - THROUGH THE WINDSCREEN. The water comes up > fast, a rushing EXPLOSION. > >468 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR - UNDERWATER 468 > > Dark panels shift, sealing wheel hubs, growing sleek fins > as the Batwing morphs now into the Batsub. > MIKE: With gimmicks like these, Alfred could fight crime! > >469 UNDERWATER 469 > > Two frogmen hold Dick by arms and legs as several more > swim towards him with exposed knives. > TOM: You know, you have to skin your Robin after you catch him or he gets all stinky. > >470 THE BATSUB 470 > > BLASTS over an underwater reef. > >471 A TORPEDO TUBE - CLOSE. FIRES a dark rocket towards the 471 > frogmen at blinding speed. > >472 A FROGMAN - CLOSE. Spins. 472 > >473 FROGMAN'S POV - THROUGH MASK. The torpedo racing towards 473 > him unfurls to reveal...Batman. > TOM: I guess he ran out of ammo. > >474 BATMAN'S FIST smashes the glass of the Frogman's mask. 474 > >475 THE THUG rises in a mass of bubbles. 475 > >476 DICK uses the distraction and kicks free. Batman and Dick 476 > take on the frogmen, hand to hand. > CROW: And very slowly, I might add. > >477 EXT. CLAW ISLAND SHORE - NIGHT 477 > > Batman and Dick break the surface. Dick discards his re- > breather. Climbs onto the shore. > > DICK > Holy rusted metal, Batman. > MIKE: We have Adam West joke coming in for a landing. > BATMAN > What? > > Dick takes a few steps forward, kneels. > > DICK > (off the rusted floor) > The ground. It's metal and its full > of holes. You know. Holey. MIKE: The Adam West reference has landed. > > BATMAN > This place was a refueling station > for subs during the war... TOM: Don't ask which war. Just the last one, ok? > > Just as Batman starts to climb out of the water (OVER) a > horrendous CRUNCHING as Dick begins to rise. > >478 WIDER 478 > > The island surface is actually the top of a tremendous > metal sphere balanced atop an enormous cylindrical oil > tank, rising, now, fast out of the water. > MIKE: The world's largest hamster ball. > > > BATMAN > Dick. > >479 Batman throws a Batarang but it glances off the side of 479 > the sphere. > >480 WIDER 480 > > Batman stands staring up at Dick, who stands alone atop > the metal sphere now near five stories high. > > No way up. Batman spots a rusting access panel in the > giant support cylinder. He RIPS it off and climbs inside. > TOM: Straight into the sewer system. > >481 EXT. DOME 481 > > Dick stands looking down at the ocean. > > TWO-FACE (OVER) > The Bat or the Bird. We couldn't > decide who got to kill who. > (a beat) > Or is it whom? CROW: Harvey, the literate villain. > > Dick spins. Two-Face has emerged from a hatch atop the > dome. He stands smiling at Dick, a knife in his hands. > > TWO-FACE > We flipped for it. We got you. MIKE: I say you lost out. > > Two-Face's leap is savage, catching Dick by the throat. > >482 WIDER 482 > > The two slide down the sloping edge of the dome, their > descent stopped by a narrow, rusting metal lip. > > Two-Face SMASHES Dick's head into the side of the dome. > Once. Twice. Three times. TOM: A lady. > > TWO-FACE > What's wrong, circus-boy? No mommy > and daddy to save you? CROW: Harvey, that was EXACTLY the wrong thing to say. > > Two-Face raises his blade over the dazed Dick. Brings it > down fast. > > Dick rolls clear, the blade wedging into the rusted metal > surface. All the time Dick needs. He back-flips erect, > kicks Two-Face hard in the head. MIKE: Instead of a vital organ. > > DICK > For my mother. > > A flying front kick to the chin. > > DICK > For my father. > > A spinning back kick knocking him to his knees. > > DICK > For Chris. > > Dick hauls off and smashes him in the face. > > DICK > For me. TOM: Well, that about wraps it up. Time for me to go home, and singapore-sling some ovaltine. > > The punch sends Two-Face rolling down the side of the > dome, fingers raking sloping steel, finding no purchase. > >483 At the last second, Two-Face grabs a small metal dimple 483 > on the belly of the dome's curve, hanging on for dear > life, feet kicking wildly over the abyss. > > TWO-FACE > The scales are tipped. The blindfold > torn from the lady's eyes. Justice > will be served. MIKE: Steak and eggs! > > The rusting metal bulge starts to tear and break. > > TWO-FACE > You're a man after my own heart, > son. > > The metal breaks free. > > TWO-FACE > (grinning) > See you in hell. TOM: But where do we meet? > > Two-Face's hands tear through the rust. He falls. > >484 DICK'S HAND grabs him. > > WIDER > > Dick hoists him to safety. > > DICK > No. I'd rather see you in jail. TOM: It's smaller than Hell. > > TWO-FACE > The Bat's taught you well. Noble. > > Two-Face spins, a gun suddenly in his hand, pressing now > into the flesh between Dick's eyes. > > TWO-FACE > A mistake. But definitely noble. CROW: Thanks. I think. > > Two-Face COCKS the trigger. > >485 INT. CYLINDER 485 > > Immense. Empty. Just the CRASHING surf and rocks below. > Batman looks up. The ceiling is... > >486 A GIANT STEEL GRATE flush with the sides of the cylinder. 486 > Batman loads a Batarang into his launcher. FIRES. > >487 THE BATARANG flies high, secures purchase on the grate. 487 > >488 BATMAN attaches the cable to the winch on his belt. 488 > Begins rising fast. > >489 THE GRATE BOLTS 489 > > EXPLODE, causing the giant grate to fall towards Batman. > >490 BATMAN twirls on the rope so he is rising upside down, 490 > his feet racing towards the plummeting grate. He hits a > switch on his utility belt- > >491 THRUSTERS 491 > > on his new Batsuit ROCKET him feet first towards the > descending grate. TOM: I cannot take this anymore. CROW: It's almost over Tommy. Hang in there. MIKE: I'm with you. >492 IMPACT! The grate flips like a pie pan. Batman lets go of 492 > the wire, cutting his thrusters and tumbling in mid-air > so his hands now extend before him. He grabs one of the > steel girders in the darkness overhead. > >493 Batman hangs, watching the now dislodged grate fall to 493 > the watery depth below. A beat. He hoists himself onto a > steel platform to face... MIKE: His own ennui. > >494 INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL ROOM 494 > > The Riddler sits across the room in his throne, a huge > antenna shooting up into the night sky behind him through > a round hole in the dome. A large ring of Green Neon > encircles him, feeding him more and more brain power. TOM: Which he needs to come up with those wonderful riddles! > > RIDDLER > Welcome to my parlor said the > Riddler to the Bat. How's tricks? MIKE: She's fine. > > BATMAN > No more tricks, Edward. Release > Chase and Dick. This is between you > and me. > > Two-Face steps from behind The Riddler. > > TWO-FACE > And me and me. > > BATMAN > (off the antenna) > ...Of course. The Box does more > than enhance neural energy. You've > been sucking Gotham's brainwaves. > TOM: And you couldn't HAVE DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THIS BEFORE CHARGING HEADLONG INTO CERTAIN DOOM! > RIDDLER > And now it's new. Improved. Better > than ever. > >495 SCREENS - CLOSE - Endless schematics of flickering brains. 495 > >496 BATMAN 496 > ...The jolt I felt in the beam at > your party. > (getting it) > You've devised a way to map the > human brain. To read men's minds. > MIKE: Finally, Bruce puts those unused cells to use. > RIDDLER > Oh, Bruce, you are clever. How > fitting that numbers lead you to me. > For numbers will crown me king. My > Box will sit on countless TV's > around the globe, mapping brains, > giving me credit card numbers. Bank > codes. Safe combinations. Numbers of > infidelities. Of crimes. Of lies > told. No secret is safe from my > watchful electronic eye. I will > rule the planet. For if knowledge is > power then tremble world, Edward > Nygma has become a God. CROW: Yeah, but you just try to get people to the First Church of Ed. > (to Harvey) > Was that over the top? I can never > tell... > (to Batman) > By the way, B-man, I got _your_ > number. > >497 SCREENS - CLOSE form a towering picture of Batman. 497 > >498 OTHER SCREENS - CLOSE form a towering picture of Bruce. 498 > >499 The images collide, forming a half Bruce, half Batman. 499 > > RIDDLER > I've seen your mind. Yours is the > greatest Riddle of all. Can Bruce > Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? > Stop me if I'm wrong here. CROW: No, it's much more entertaining to watch you look like an idiot. > > Batman remains stoic, but The Riddler is right on. > > RIDDLER > So let's help you decide, once and > for all, who you really are. Behind > Curtain #1... ALL: A new car! > > A curtain rises: Chase in a cylinder, bound unconscious. > > RIDDLER > The captivating Dr. Chase Meridian. > Love of Bruce Wayne's life. Behind > curtain #2... > > Another curtain reveals: Dick in similar peril. > > RIDDLER > Batman's one and only partner. > (a beat) > Below, my personal favorite... > >500 TRAP DOORS 500 > > beneath Chase and Dick open wide. ANGLE DOWN to the > jagged rocks and crashing surf below. > > RIDDLER > A watery grave! > >501 A BUTTON - CLOSE. Shaped like a glowing green skull. 501 > >502 RIDDLER 502 > A simple touch and five seconds > later these two day players are so > much gull feed on the rocks below. > Not enough time to save them both. > So who will it be? Bruce's love? > Batman's partner? You decide. Is > this fun or what? > > BATMAN > Edward, you've become a monster. TOM: Yep, now it's time to reason with him . . . > > RIDDLER > You flatter me. No monster. Just The > Riddler, and here's yours. What is > without taste or sound, all around, > but can't be found? On your mark, > get set... TOM: Think! > > The Riddler reaches for the button. Batman steps forward. > >503 ANGLE from the water below. 503 > > The floor between where Batman stands and the Riddler's > throne platform is translucent. A hologram masking a > tremendous gap. Batman is about to step into an abyss. > >504 Batman stops short. Looks up at Riddler. 504 > > BATMAN > Death. > (louder) > Death. Without taste, sound and all > around us. > (getting it) > Because there is no way for me to > save them or myself. This is one > giant death trap. MIKE: Brilliant! > > RIDDLER > Excellent. See. Who says a guy in a > rubber suit can't be smart? Well, > it's been grand. Sorry you all have > to die now. > > Riddler touches the skull button. (OVER) A SCREECH. > > Batman looks up. > >505 HIGH ABOVE the Riddler's antenna a giant monarch bat 505 > glides across the night. >506 THE BAT - CLOSE. 506 > >507 BATMAN - CLOSE. No fear. A moment of communion. 507 > > BATMAN > Wait. I have a riddle for you. > > RIDDLER > For _me_? Really? Tell me. CROW: What walks on four legs . . . ah, you probably heard it before. > > BATMAN > I see without seeing. To me, > darkness is as clear as daylight. > What am I? > > RIDDLER > Oh please. You're blind as a bat. > > BATMAN > Exactly! > > Batman SLAMS his Utility Belt, releasing a high energy > Batarang which he hurls at the Riddler's huge antenna. MIKE: Destroying his ability to pirate HBO. > >508 THE BATARANG 508 > > SMASHES into the Riddler's antenna. A tremendous > EXPLOSION of sparks as the transceiver short circuits. > > RIDDLER > No! > > The room goes pitch black. > >509 RIDDLER'S FINGER - CLOSE. Hits the skull button. 509 > >510 DICK AND CHASE 510 > > drop, plummet through space. > >511 BATMAN - CLOSE. Two metal lids SHUT over Batman's eyes. 511 MIKE: Blinding him. He falls to his death, unmourned, unloved. > >512 BATMAN'S POV - INSIDE THE MASK 512 > > Small sonar screens on the back of Batman's eyepieces > reveal the phantom floor and the wild criss-cross of > interconnected steel beams and the crashing ocean below. > >513 BATMAN 513 > > throws another Batarang, which lassos a beam overhead, > swings forward, grabbing a falling Chase as he passes, > depositing her on a steel platform. > >514 BATMAN - POV (SONAR SCREENS). Dick drops to certain death. 514 ALL: Richard! > >515 BATMAN 515 > > dives towards the sea below as he whips another Batarang >516 around a passing girder. He catches Dick just above the 516 > rocks precisely as the Batrope pulls taught, using the > bat-winch to shoot them back up to the platform. > >517 BATMAN - POV (SONAR SCREENS) 517 > > As he rests Dick on the platform beside Chase. Suddenly > his world flares a blinding white. > >518 TWO-FACE 518 > > stands on the platform before him, a halogen light > strapped around his head, blinding Batman's sensors. MIKE: If I remember vocational tech, halogen lights don't do much against sonar... > > Two-Face brandishes his gun. > > TWO-FACE > All those heroics for nothing. No > more riddles, no more curtains one > and two. Just plain old curtains. MIKE: The refreshingly simply worldview of a complete psychotic . . . > > He COCKS the trigger. > > BATMAN > Haven't you forgotten something, > Harvey? You're always of two minds > about everything.... TOM: [As Two-Face]: No, I'm pretty sure I want this . . . > > The handsome side of Harvey's face turns toward them. > > TWO-FACE > Oh. Emotion is so often the enemy of > justice. Thank you, Bruce. MIKE: Don't mention it. > > He takes out his famous coin and flips it. Batman starts > to reach for his Utility Belt, to out-smart Two-Face. But > as the coin flies high up in the air, it comes down just > a hair too far away. > > TWO-FACE > No! > >519 As Two-Face reaches out to catch it, he loses his balance 519 > and falls to the rocks and angry sea below. CROW: Another heroic defeat of a villain. > BATMAN > Help Chase. I'll be back. > > CHASE > (groggy) > Did Two-Face call him Bruce? > > DICK > Of course not. > MIKE: Uh, he called him Duce. You know, a kind of compliment . . . oh, forget it. > >520 Batman starts scaling girders, pulls himself back into... 520 > >521 INT. RIDDLER'S CONTROL ROOM 521 > > The lights are still down but the antenna's functioning > again, the Riddler in his throne, absorbing pulses of > neural energy. Too much. his entire head seems to > distort, fluctuating in size and wavering. CROW: He ought to avoid those funhouse mirrors. > RIDDLER > Why can't I kill you? Now there's a > riddle? > (more juice) > Not smart enough. Find a way. > (more juice) > Too many questions. > (more juice) > Why you and not me? > (more juice) > Why me? > (more juice) > Why??!! > > Batman SLAMS the power switch, the throne going dark. > > EDWARD - CLOSE. Knees drawn to his chest. Pathetic. > WHIMPERING. Mad. CROW: And what was he before? > Batman looks down, his eyes sad, compassionate. > > BATMAN > Poor, Edward. I had to save them > both. You see, I am Bruce Wayne and > Batman. Not because I have to be. > Now because I choose to be. > > Batman reaches out to Edward. Ed jerks in fear, looks up. > >522 EDWARD'S POV - Coming towards him, not Batman, but a 522 > hideous demonic giant bat. TOM: Looks like Ed took the brown acid. > >523 EDWARD - CLOSE. SCREAMS 523 > >524 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT 524 > > Another stormy night. > >525 INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY WING 525 > > Dr. Burton walks the corridor with Chase. > > DR. BURTON > Edward Nygma has been screaming for > hours that he knows the true > identity of Batman. TOM: I suspect its a subconsious attempt to deal with Oedipal conflicts, but that's just me. > > They reach Edward's cell. > >526 THEIR POV -- INT. PADDED CELL 526 > > Lit only by the moon. Chase speaks through the small > barred set into the heavy door. > > CHASE > Edward... > > EDWARD > Who is it? > > CHASE > It's Dr. Meridian. Chase. Do you > remember me? > > EDWARD (O.S.) > How could I forget? > MIKE: It's really hard to forget someone you tried to murder. > CHASE > Dr. Burton tells me you know who > Batman is. > CROW: Yeah, he's only the guy who let Harvey Dent loose on the world. I trust him completely! > EDWARD (O.S.) > (giggle, giggle) > Yesssssss. I know! > > Chase and Burton look at each other, on edge. > > CHASE > Who is The Batman, Edward? > > EDWARD (O.S.) > Can't tell if you don't say please. TOM: Even completely wacked out, and he's polite! Gotta love this guy. > CHASE > You're right, Edward. I didn't mean > to be impolite. Please. > > No response. Just GIGGLES. > > CHASE > Edward, please. Who is Batman? > > A beat. Suddenly a huge silhouette of a bat appears on > the padded wall. Into it leaps Edward, the sleeves of his > straightjacket madly flapping like the wings of a bat. > > EDWARD > I AM BATMAAAAAAANN!!! MIKE: Well, actually, there's a little Batman in all of us. > >527 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT 527 > > Chase comes down the front steps to find Alfred waiting > with the Rolls, holding the rear door open. > > CHASE > Alfred? > > ALFRED > Mr. Wayne sent me to pick you up. MIKE: So, go put on something slinky that will appeal to a repressed old English fart. > >528 INT. ROLLS - MOVING 528 > > Alfred drives out the front gates of Arkham Asylum. > > CHASE > Where's Bruce? > TOM: It's the new art game for supervillains - where's Bruce! > ALFRED > He asked me to convey his deepest > apologies, Dr. Meridian. But he > wanted me to give you this. > > Alfred hands her a small wicker figure. The dream doll. > > ALFRED > He said to thank you. And to tell > you he no longer needs it. MIKE: He's decided to collect Barbies instead. > > She notices the Batsignal in the night sky. > > CHASE > Does it ever end Alfred? TOM: Not as long as we have people willing to dress up in bizzare outfits. > ALFRED > No, Miss. Not in this lifetime. > MIKE: Alfred believes in reincarnation. Who would have guessed? > > Chase looks out the car window. In the distance, the > shape of the bat shimmers against the clouds. > >529 ZOOM INTO 529 > > The Batsignal, filling the screen. > > PAN DOWN > >530 EXT. TOP OF SKYSCRAPER - NIGHT 530 > > Batman stands on the edge of the gargoyled building, a > lone silhouette keeping vigil over the city. > > Then another figure steps up into frame, taking his place > behind Batman. Their capes billow in the city wind. > > Now there are two guardians of the night: Batman and > Robin. Beware! MIKE: Now known as Dumb and Dumber! > FINAL FADE TO BLACK. MIKE: Final fade to a coma. TOM: Free at last! 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 TOM: Well, that was a pathetic waste of two hours. CROW: I think I'd've preferred an IRS audit. TOM: I think I'd've preferred a root canal without anesthetic. CROW: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd've preferred to watch a "Hello, Larry" marathon! TOM: Oh, yeah? I'd've -- MIKE: [attempting to assert control] Guys, don't you think we ought to check in on Dr. F and see if him and his brother are getting along any better? CROW: Sure, let's check on the Bobbsey Twins. MIKE: [ignores him, touches MADS' LIGHT] Hey, Dr. F? [D13] [CLAY, alone. Smiling.] CF: Well, hello, boys. How did you enjoy your little cinematic feast, hmmm? [SOL] TOM: I'd've preferred to have walked through a snot rainstorm without an umbrella. CROW: Oh, yeah? I'd've pref -- MIKE: [warningly] Guys, c'mon. So, uh, how are you and Sherwood getting along? [D13] CF: [smiles, but not pleasantly] Well, I just sent Igor up with a Jell-O mold ... [DEEP 13 rocks with a mighty explosion. CLAY is completely unruffled] ... or was that a gelignite mold? Oh, well. Sherwood and I are doing just fine. He's ... assisting me in a new experiment. [SOL] [ALL are shaken by something blasting past] MIKE: Cambot, get me Rocket Number Nine! [R#9] [A rocket similar in design to the one that sent MIKE to the SOL shoots by. In the porthole, we can see SHERWOOD FORRESTER.] SF: GET ME DOWN!!!!!!! [D13] DR.F: [menacingly] The old Dr. Clayton Forrester is *back*, boobies! Push the button, me! [whips off a shoe and whacks the button with it] | \ | / \ | / ---- o ---- / | \ / | \ | GYPSY: [V.O.] Mike, is this a good thing? MIKE: [V.O.] Good and Bad are relative terms, Gypsy ... [ROLL CLOSING CREDITS] > CHASE > You like strong women. I've done my > homework. Or do I need skin-tight > vinyl and a whip? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Back to my MiST page.