MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 1: The Field Trip" Group MiSTing by Mike Barklage (editor) Petrea Mitchell Todd Gilbert To contact the authors, send an e-mail to barklage@ucsu.colorado.edu. I will forward all mail regarding this fanfic to the other writers, Petrea Mitchell and Todd Gilbert. 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [Satellite of Love. Mike, Crow, and Gypsy are at the counter. The board game "Life" is sitting on top of the counter.] MIKE: Okay, now you spin the wheel, Gypsy. [Mike spins the wheel for Gypsy.] MIKE: You got a nine. [Mike picks up the purple car piece and starts moving it. Mike and Gypsy both count up to nine. In the middle of it, Tom Servo enters.] TOM: Hey guys! What have you wacky funsters got cooking over here? MIKE: Oh, hey Tom. We're just playing "Life" until the experiment starts. CROW: I didn't want to. They made me. MIKE: Do you wanna play, Tom? We just started. TOM: "Life"? The game of conservative propoganda? No thanks! MIKE: What are you talking about? TOM: Well, just look at it! This game *oozes* with '80s Reagan-era Republican values. You start off with some money and you go to college. Then notice that you *have* to get married and you *have* to get a job. And it's hard not to end up with a family after that. CROW: Hey, you're right! What's the *object* of the game? To try to live life as happily as you can? No! It's to play the stock market, retire, and count up your money. Whoever dies with the most money, WINS! TOM: Yeah! Where's the square that says, "You join a improvisational theater troupe. Move forward 3 spaces"? CROW: Or maybe I just wanna take my little green car -- MIKE: You're the blue one, Crow. CROW: Yeah, uh, take my little blue car and roam the open roads... the wind through my hair, tunes on the radio, lookin' for adventure, and not a care in the world! MIKE: Okay, so how would you change the game? TOM: Well, first of all I'd make it so that you wouldn't have to get married if you didn't want to, or that you could marry either sex. [The other three look at Tom funny.] TOM: What? [They snap back to reality.] MIKE: Right. Marriage optional. TOM: In fact, just get rid of that church altogether. MIKE: Maybe we could replace it with a mosque later. What else? CROW: Next, take money out of the game. MIKE: Okay. But how do we know who wins? CROW: You don't. Nobody wins. We just die. TOM: It'll be a lot more like real life that way. MIKE: But where's the fun in that? TOM: Fun? Real life isn't fun! Real life is full of pain and suffering! CROW: In fact, let's add a few more squares to that effect. TOM: "Mother dies. Lose a turn." CROW: "Job market dries up. Move back in with parents." TOM: "Boss sexually harasses you. Pay $500 in legal fees." MIKE: All right, that's enough! Leave it to you guys to turn a light-hearted game into something dark and cynical. CROW: Hey, just telling it like it is, Mike. [Mads' light begins flashing.] MIKE: Oh great, Dr. Demento is calling. [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is in front of the camera, laughing evilly.] DR.F: Not even your peurile antics can ruin my good mood today, Mike Nelson of the North! You see, I've decided to go for the jugular with today's experiment. Remember "Enterprized," hmmm? Remember "A Gul's Revenge? Well, my sources have dredged up another shipwreck of a fanfic from that master of disaster, Stephen Ratliff! [SOL. Tom is (unsuccessfully) trying to stick his head in a microwave and turn it on. Crow is sucking on a straw that is in a bottle marked "Poison." Mike is humming while he arranges a noose.] MIKE: Oh, don't mind us. As you were saying? [D13.] DR.F: No, no, no, don't pass out on me now! I want you fully not-dead for this experiment! Try and wade through the muck that is "Away From Home"! [SOL. All equipment of death has disappeared. Lights and buzzers are going off.] ALL: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! WE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [Mike, Crow, and Tom enter the theater. They are visibly shaking.] > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Tue, 28 Mar 1995 04:34:25 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: Away From Home : The Field Trip parts 1-6 CROW: Mike, I'm a-scared... > > > > _________________________________________________________ > | STAR TREK || _______________ | > | THE NEXT GENERATION || .--' | |_-_| `-. `-. | > | Away From Home: Book 1 || ,'-------' [___]1-6 | \ | > | The Field Trip || /____PARTS__________/___ || > | || \_________________|_/__/ | > | by Stephen Ratliff || (_||>______________) | > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOM: "BOOK 1"?! AAAAAAUUUUGGH!!!! ALL: > > Prologue > ~~~~~~~~ TOM: MIKE: Come on, guys, he hasn't spelled anything wrong *yet*. We can get through this. > > Personal Log > Marrissa A. Flores CROW: Bite me, Marrissa. > STARDATE 45924 > > Upon my mother's suggestion, I am beginning this log to, as my > mother says, record my activities, my goals, my hopes, and my dreams. MIKE: My first goal is to get my mom to stop bossing me around. > I am 10 years old. I live on the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D. TOM: ...and I'm a Vice-Admiral in Starfleet. > My parents are both security officers, Mom being an ensign and Dad a > Lieutenant. My parents met and married at Starfleet Academy San > Francisco on Earth where I was born. CROW: In fact that's why they had to get married. MIKE: Since then, they've led loveless, bitter lives. > The biggest event in my life was being trapped in the turbolift > with Captain Picard. This earned me the nickname "Number One." MIKE: Not a word, either of you. CROW: I wasn't gonna say anything... > Tomorrow my Computer Development class will be visiting the > Daystorm Institute Expansion on Archer IV. I'm not exactly happy about > having to retake this class. TOM: That's what you get for being on the "five-year plan." > Personally I find this class boring an humiliating. CROW: I hate it when they make me wear the dunce cap. > Boring because I have heard it all before, Humiliating > because I'm stuck in with a bunch of eight year olds. TOM: So Ratliff's child prodigy Marrissa flunked a third-grade class? CROW: > It wouldn't be > so bad if it weren't for the two engineering geniuses, Clara and Shayna. MIKE: They're always blowing the curve. TOM: You know, Ratliff has a lot of strong female characters. You think there's something he isn't telling us? CROW: Maybe... but that doesn't mean he's James Cameron. > Clara's not so bad ... in fact given time I think we could become > friends. But Shayna's never-ending practical jokes are getting on my > nerves and we have only been in the class two weeks. TOM: Awww, are the big bad 8-year-olds bullying poor Marrissa? > > Close Personal Log. MIKE: Thank God. > _________________________________________________________ > Chapter One | > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The mischeavious Shayna Sachs was the first to arrive at the > shuttle taking the Computer Development class to Archer IV. She was > happy to learn that the shuttle seating was assigned on a PADD outside > the shuttle. It read: > > Pilot : Ens. Throwaway Co-Pilot : Lt. Allen TOM: Ensign THROWAWAY?! MIKE: Maybe Ratliff asked somebody's advice on the script and that was the answer. CROW: Guys, he's not even *trying* anymore. If he ever did. > Left Right > 1 Marrissa Flores Shayna Sachs > 2 Jay Gordon Alexander > 3 Clara Sutter TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, your 1996 presidential candidates. > > She quickly went a placed something on a couple seats ALL: Ewwww! > and sat down to wait. > Jay Gordon was next to arrive followed by Clara Sutter and the > rest of the class. At the end of the line was Marrissa, carrying > several PADDs and a tricorder. She sat down - on a whoopi cushion. CROW: In space, no one can hear you -- MIKE: CROW! TOM: Ah, the wonderful tunes of "Sister Act"... > Everyone laughed MIKE: ...except the readers. > and Marrissa glared. The Lieutenant who taught > the class arrived and entered the shuttle. As he pasted Marrissa, ALL: YAY!! Paste her again! Hit her harder! > she handed him the whoopi cushion. > As he reached the cockpit he turned and said, "Behave on this > trip or there won't be any more." CROW: I'll turn this shuttlecraft RIGHT AROUND and... wait, we haven't left yet. > He turned back into the cockpit and > sat down in the Co-Pilot seat ... on a whoopi cushion. TOM: Humor - Ratliff style. Big and chunky. > The Lieutenant > looked up at the ceiling and shoke his head, while removing the > offending item. MIKE: If he takes his head off, how is he going to command? > Ensign Throwaway ente4red the shuttli and sat down. CROW: ...aparrently causing the spellchecker to explode. > The rear of > the shuttle closed and Lt. Allen said, "Shuttle April to bridge, Request > permission depart for Archer IV from Shuttle bay Two." TOM: Lieutenant, your universal translator seems to be malfunctioning. > "Bridge to Shuttle April," Commander Riker's voice said. > "Permission granted, now relaying departure coordinates." MIKE: Uh, that would pretty much have to be *here*, commander. > "Coordinates received," Ensign Throwaway announced. "Shuttle bay > doors opening." CROW: I *know* that. We control them from here, you know. > "Depart when ready, Bridge out." TOM: Please use detour. > "Leaving shuttle bay 2 now, April out," Lt Allen said. > The shuttle moved out of the shuttle bay, between the warp > engines. CROW: So the shuttle is leaving, then? TOM: Yep... pretty much. > It turned right and slightly down and went in to warp. MIKE: ...crashing into a warp nacelle. > > The shuttle craft April from the USS Enterprise was traveling > along at warp 2 when a phaser bolt shot across it's path CROW: I hate those random phaser blasts. > and over the > communications channels -- all of them -- came the message, "Heave to and > prepare to be boarded." TOM: Arrr, surrender, ye scurvy dogs! We'll throw ye out the airlock! > Lieutenant Allen ordered, "Take us out of warp in that solar > system." He indicated a nearby G-class star-system with a M-Class > planet. MIKE: Plot Convenience Theater presents... TOM: I'm sensing a subliminal Oldsmobile ad, guys. > "Lieutenant, this system has a large amount of background > radiation," Throwaway said. CROW: Of course. It wouldn't be TNG without subspace interference. > "Will transporters be blocked?" Allen asked. > "If we get closer, yes," the Ensign replied. > "Would landing on the planet be sufficant?" Allen inquired. MIKE: No, it wouldn't, Todd. I'd be deeply hurt. > "Confirmed." > "Set a course to land on the planet," Lieutenant Allen ordered. > "Engage when ready, best possible speed. TOM: Well, I was going to go at worst possible speed, but since you insisted... > Computer open the distress channel." > "Channel open." > "This is the Shuttle craft April from the USS Enterprise. We are > under attack from an unknown vessel in system N178278. ALL: ...378478578. > Request > assistance from any federation vessels with in range of this signal," CROW: Like, oh, maybe, THE ENTERPRISE?? > Allen said. "Computer, append scan of vessel and repeat message until > we are cut off. TOM: Hey, they're spamming! > After a couple minutes MIKE: ...during which the enemy ship kindly refrained from doing anything... > it announced, "Transmission blocked after 4 repinions. TOM: Re... huh? MIKE: How many calories in a repinion? CROW: I don't know, but they sure give me gas. > Enemy vessel is jamming all channels." > "That was not a good idea," the enemy vessel transmitted. "Now > we will have to destroy you ." TOM: We weren't *going* to destroy you, but now we *have* to. > "Ensign prepare for evasive maneuvers," the Lieutenant > responded. MIKE: Don't order me around like that! > The shuttle moved toward the planet. It dodged left and right > the purple phaser bolts of the enemy vessel. TOM: For purple phasers' majesty, Above the fruity plots... > As it neared the planet > the emeny scored an glancing shot on the impulse engine. > "Lieutenant, I've lost helm control," Ensign Throwaway > announced. "We are going to crash land." CROW: ...and I'm wearing the Ratliff equivalent of a red shirt! MIKE: You mean he's over 15? TOM: Build music! Zoom on face, soap-opera style! Fade to commercial!! > > Back in the cabin panic reigned. CROW: In fact, it poured. > Then into the chaos the shy Marrissa's voice rang out. TOM: Um... ring? > "Take your seats. If you sit down, turn > around and shut up then we will get though this." MIKE: She is, of course, referring to the bulkhead. > Meanwhile in the cockpit things were improving. CROW: Things? MIKE: Yeah, you know... things. > "We are regaining helm control," Ensign Throwaway announced. TOM: The ship is magically repairing itself! > Then all the sudden things got much worse. CROW: The story continued. > A purple bolt hit the shuttle sending a > pulse of electricity shot thought the hull hitting the Starfleet > officers. They slumped over the console, dead ALL: MIKE: Well, *that* was a precise shot. And a convenient plot device, too. TOM: Yeah, I can see why the cokcpit-on-the-hull design never caught on. > > Chapter Two > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > > In the Cabin of the Shuttle April, Shayna noticed the crew's > death and sweared. CROW: Then she reckoned she had to light out for the west. > Clara fainted. The boys were stunned. TOM: Quite frankly, so are the readers. > "We are going to die," Alexander moaned, unklingon-like. > "No, you are not," Marrissa said, calmly yet loudly. MIKE: When Marissa screams, it has a soothing effect. > "Jay what > was the name of the game that the teacher took from you last week?" CROW: You mean Virtual Vanessa? > "Shuttle Diasters, Why?" Jay replied. TOM: Well, it's realistic, at least. Whenever Starfleet uses a shuttlecraft, it crashes. > "Take the helm," Marrissa said. "I saw your high score, and i > know you can land us safely. MIKE: And of course, we all know that computer games are better than training and actual experience. CROW: By that logic, I can get a pilot's license if I play "Microsoft Flight Simulator" a lot. > Alexander from what I have over heard you decussing with Jay, TOM: Boy, these kids swear a lot. > I think you would make a good co-pliot for him. Now > snap to it." Jay and Alex took off for the cockpit. "Shayna stop > swearing, its unlady like. Try to revive Clara." > > In the cockpit, Jay and Alexander pushed the dead bodies aside MIKE: We eat tonight! > and took the controls. CROW: Hey! Where's the SHIFT key? I can't fire without the SHIFT key! Where's that darn game manual... > "Alex try to level us off," Jay ordered. "I'll > try to steer us down safely." TOM: They're goners. MIKE: Naw, this is a Ratliff story. Not only will they survive, but they'll all be promoted to Commander. > "Angle of decent, cut to 60 degrees," Alexander said. "6 > thousand meters." CROW: Note they do not so much fly as plummet. > "Try to cut it to 30 by 3 thousand," Jay said as Marrissa and > Shayna entered the the cockpit and removed Lt. Allen. TOM: Ooh, he'll go so nice with the tomatoes I picked in the garden today. > "3 thousand meters, angle of decent 28 degrees," Alexander said. > "Level us off at 15 hundred and begin looking for a landing > site," Jay said. Marrissa and Shayna returned to the cockpit to remove > Ensign Throwaway. MIKE: You know, I'm gonna miss Ensign Throwaway. Such character development. > "Any suggestions for a landing site, Captain?" TOM: How about the ground? > "Some place with a water sorce and burnable vegation nearby," CROW: So we can burn stuff... heh heh... fire.. yeah... > Marrissa said. "Shayna you take the feet this time." As they began > moving the Ensign back into the cabin she continued. "By the way Jay, > when did I become Captain to you?" TOM: First time, ever I saw your face... > "When you took cammand a few moments ago." Jay replied. > "That makes me Captain?" Marrissa asked. > "The commander of any vessel has the right to be called > Captain," Jay replied. "Alex height and angle of decent?" MIKE: About 4'3" and it depends on who I'm dancing with. > "1613, 10 degrees," Alexander replied. > "I will have to take command more often," Marrissa said. CROW: Hmmm... I *enjoy* dominating men... > "Please land us as so as you find a spot. Its easier to spot an moving > shuttle than a hunk of metal on a planet." TOM: Of course, it's a lot easier to *hit* a hunk of metal... > "Now changing coarse, bearing 256," Jay said. "I'm bringing us > down." MIKE: This whole fanfic is bringing us down. > > Moments later jay was bringing the shuttle down on a lake side > beach. CROW: So you say he's bringing down the shuttle? > Although the landing was a little rough, Jay tore up 20 feet of beach, TOM: Not bad, considering shuttles are about 30 feet long. > the shuttle came though it with little additional damage. MIKE: Except for Marissa, who went through the windshield. > The cabin was quiet after the landing. The childern CROW: Dern those childs! > looked unharmed, if a little shaken. "Clara, hand me my tricorder," > Marrissa said. TOM: Get it yourself, bossy. > Clara handed Marrissa the instrument and Marrissa scanned though > the wall of the shuttle. "The atmostphere is breathable in fact it's > almost perfect outside. MIKE: Well, of course! Did you expect *variety* on Star Trek? > Open the door." > Shayna hit the code and the rear of the shuttle opened up. > Outside the sky was a clear blue. The beach was of yellow sand . Off > the beach there a lot of purple leaved trees. In fact it was a regular > forest of purple. CROW: Yep. Purple trees would imply a purple forest, I guess. > The ground cover was as thin bladed grass greenish > blue in color. Beyond the clear blue lake were purple tree covered > montains. TOM: So Ratliff only has one gel for the lights, I take it? > Clara and Shayna stood amiring the view. MIKE: We could destroy all this and build condos! > "I hate to interupt you, but we better get ready to move away > from here," Marrissa said. "Unless you want to be captured. Jay find > the Communicators and distrubute them. Alexand the phasers. CROW: And our musical guest, Alex and the Phasers! ALL: > Clara, I want 2 days meals for each of us in backpacks. TOM: But what if we're stranded here for more than two days? CROW: Shut up and do what I say! MIKE: This was supposed to be a one-day field trip! What are 30 meals doing in the shuttlecraft? > Shayna ready all the booby trapping materail you can find. CROW: Booby trapping material?? TOM: Standard Starfleet issue. There should be a clearly marked box. > I want the shuttle tarp to annoy > the guys who fired on us but with stuff we can remove without harming > ourselves." > "What will you be doing Captain?" Jay asked. MIKE: Trying to figure out what the hell I just said! > "Downloading all the information I can into a tricorder," > Marrissa replied. CROW: There's a lot of stuff in the alt.binaries newsgroups that's a *lot* more important than the other 3 weeks worth of food! > "Why not a PADD?" Jay inquired. > "Listen in class next time," Marrissa said. "Before he took > your video game, Lt. Allen explained that PADDs only have 16 hours of > use." TOM: Then you have to get new AAA batteries. > "What about Lt. Allen and the co-pilot?" Jay asked. MIKE: They now have zero hours of use. CROW: Yeah, grab their wallets and ditch 'em. > "Put them in body bags and hide them in the woods," Marrissa > said. TOM: What about a decent burial? And their wives and families? CROW: Screw em! I'm in charge now!! > "That is you and Alexander's next job. Thank you for volenteering, Jay." ALL: Wah wah waaahhh.... MIKE: Hope these kids have never seen "Alive." > > A half-a-hour later, the children gathered in front of the > shuttle. ALL: grumble grumble mutiny grumble... > During thier perparations they discovered a stream in front of > the shuttle. TOM: My God, I just realized we're standing in a stream! CROW: A stream of *what*, they weren't sure of. > "In order to avoid capture we will be finding a new shelter," > Marrissa began. The detailed survey of this planet tells me that this > stream's sours MIKE: It's a lemonade stream! They landed in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! > is a cave about a half a mile from here. We will shelter > there. TOM: And we'll have only life-signs, power sources, footprints, and logic to give us away. > The five children then picked up thier bags and headed upstream > into the forest. CROW: So, has anyone here read "Lord of the Flies"? > > > Chapter Three > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > The Bridge on the Enterprise was quiet MIKE: ...too quiet. > when the call came in. > Deep in Federation Space no one expected anything to happen. TOM: ...except for the space-time anomalies that happen every week. > In fact Doctor Crusher was in command CROW: Apparently, all 1400 other crewmembers were on shore leave. > while Riker and the Captain caught up on > some paper work and Data was doing some research. TOM: Paperwork? MIKE: Must be tax time again. > At Tactical a young ensign announced, "In coming distress call, > audio only, Doctor." > "Put it on speakers and trace it," Crusher ordered. CROW: It's coming from inside the house! > "This is the shuttle April from the USS Enterprise, we are under > attack from an unknown vessel ..." > "CONN TOM: CONN!!! > set a coarse to clear the asteroid belt and then go to > Warp 9," Crusher ordered. MIKE: Wait... you, uh... you didn't let me finish... > "Captain and Senior Staff to the bridge." > Noticing that the tactical officer was standing shocked she asked, CROW: "You forgot to unplug the toaster, didn't you?" > "What's wrong, Ensign." > "That's the field trip shuttle," the ensign said. "My daughter's > on it." TOM: I've never been so happy in my life! > > On the planet which the shuttle had landed on, her daughter was > doing just fine. MIKE: ...except for the fact that she was marooned on an alien planet and was being pursued by angry pirates. > "What a beautiful day," Marrissa said. CROW: Won't you be my neighbor? > "If you like hiking though woods with heavy loads on your back," > Clara replied bitingly. "Why you have us carrying these rolls of foam > and blankets is beyond me." TOM: How they came to be in the shuttle is beyond *me*. > "You will thank me for them tonight," Marrissa said. "Cave > floors are hard." > "How much farther?" Shayna asked. > "Not much farther," Marrissa replied. > "You are enjoying this, Marrissa, aren't you," Jay observed. MIKE: You're on a huge ego-inflated power trip, aren't you. > "My parents like to take camping trips when on leave," Marrissa > said. CROW: It distracts them from their pathetic lives. > "I recommend Yellowstone and Yosemite on Earth for camping. > Excellent views, hiking trails and camping sites." TOM: Oh, Ratliff idolizes "Star Trek V". CROW: That would explain a lot. > "You expect up to stay overnight?" Jay asked. > "Yes, the Enterprise is a good couple hours away, minimum," > Marrissa replied. "It will be dark in an hour." MIKE: And the nights only last 30 minutes on this planet. > "How much farther?" Shayna asked. > "Would 10 meters do?" Alexander, who had been leading the way > said. > Alexander was standing between two trees. TOM: Amazing, considering he's in a forest and all. > Past those trees a > clearing opened up. A small stream meandered thought the blue-green > turf from a large rock. CROW: Apparently, you *can* get water from a stone! > About 30 degrees from the stream's > intersection with the rock a cave opened up to the air. MIKE: Since when is a degree a unit of measurement? > "Lets put our stuff in the cave and start trapping the > clearing," Marrissa ordered. TOM: What, you think it's going to leave? > "Dinner will be at sunset." CROW: Just order from room service. > > Meanwhile the alien vessel had launched a shuttle. It was all > black with a rounded cylinder for a main body and bat-like wings. MIKE: It's the Batwing! Figure sold separately, some assembly required! > Near the outer edge of the wings were yellow spikes which appeared to > be it's means of moving. How it did so was a mystery. TOM: Um... the yellow spikes, maybe? > > Back on the planet, descending shuttle's trail was seen in the > sunset. The sunset was beautiful. The sun was red on the horizon > sending red lines along the purple mountains tops. The sky was a > beautiful shade of orange. Even the bright yellow path of the enemy > shuttle harmonized with the scene. CROW: Things are still pretty colorful, then. > "Looks like we are about to have company," Alexander said > finishing a trap. MIKE: I'll get out the good china. > "It's two early for the Enterprise to have arrived," Jay > replied joining Alex. "Marrissa says dinner is ready." > "Good, I'm starved," Alexander said as they retreated to the > cave. "I just hope they don't attack during dinner." TOM: During dinner, after dinner, makes no difference. You're just as dead. > "You really think that they can walk here in a half an hour, in > the dark, though all the traps we left behind," Jay asked. CROW: Well, yes. Unless they're totally incompetant. > "No," Alexander said, "but we must be ready." > "Marrissa has that taken care of," Jay replied. MIKE: She's trained us into a elite fighting unit in just 20 minutes! > > Meanwhile the enemy shuttle was landing on the beach by the > shuttle April. Making a joke as to the qualifications of the April's > pilot, which had Jay heard and understood would have resulted in serious > harm to the pilot, TOM: Oh, they're *fragile* grizzled space pirates. > the enemy pilot exited the front of the ship. > he like the rest of his comrades was flat black in color about > seven feet tall. All of the group had mustard yellow hair braided with > ribbons. CROW: Hey... they're all Ken from "Fugitive Alien"! > They wore black body armor which accented their over muscled body. MIKE: Hi, could you point us toward "The City Who Fought"? > The ribbons in the pilots hair were black and green. Another > alien's ribbons were black, red, and purple. The remaining three had > black and gray ribbons. TOM: Damn, things are really colorful in this story. > The five fell out CROW: Oh, they're Boojums. > in a formation protecting the enemy with the > black, red, and purple in a protected position. MIKE: Blue 42! Set! Hike! > They rounded of the April to it's open rear. CROW: And now, a subliminal plug for safe sex. > The black, red, and purple one motioned for a gray ribboned > alien to enter the shuttle. As he entered a puff of red dust shot out > at him. TOM: V: The Final Battle. > He began to sneeze. Soon , however the sneezing turned into > a seizure and he fell to the ground twitching and died. CROW: Ha ha! It's funny, cause it's... chemical warfare... MIKE: It's a good thing all shuttlecraft carry chemical weapons. TOM: You think they'll try Marrissa as an adult? > The leader sent a seconded gray ribboned into the shuttle, > vaporizing the first. MIKE: Saves on funeral expenses, I guess. > This one made it into the cockpit were a foul > smelling mist descended on him. His black face began to lighten. TOM: It's an airborne strain of Prozac. > He left the shuttle and informed the leader that the shuttle was empty. CROW: Except for the fluffy purple bunny-rabbits. > Then the leader sent the pilot in. The pilot sat down in the > CO-pilot seat TOM: Ha! Those wacky aliens don't even know which seat to use! Ha ha! > and tried to access the computer. The computer remained > blank and the pilots hands began to itch. MIKE: The sad effect of Macauley Culkin on a generation of kids. CROW: Maybe he's having an allergic reaction to this story. > Both the leader and the pilot being frustrated the y spied a > path though the sand into the forest. The leader ordered his men (or > maybe women) TOM: Who knows? Your guess is as good as Ratliff's! > into the forest. The third gray ribboned took the lead. > The pilot was second and the leader third. The second gray ribboned was > last, his face now a pale gray. MIKE: This is like "Home Alone 2," only much more disturbing. TOM: Come on guys, let's bail. [Mike picks up Tom and they leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SOL. Crow and Tom are behind the counter. Crow's hair/web is glowing bright red. There is a rope hanging from the ceiling that ends just above the counter.] TOM: Okay, is everything ready? CROW: I think so. This is gonna be so great! TOM: How's your web? Is it hot enough? CROW: Oh yeah, definitely! TOM: Oh boy! Sshhhh! Here he comes! [Mike enters from off-screen. He walks behind the counter and suddenly slips and falls. The bots start laughing. Mike slowly gets back on his feet.] MIKE: All right, now who put all those marbles on the floor? TOM: Gee, I don't know! CROW: Say, Mike... I was wondering if you could touch my web? MIKE: Well, all right... [Mike grabs Crow's hair. A sizzling sound is heard, and smoke comes from Mike hand. Mike screams, and the bots break into laughter again.] MIKE: Hey! That really hurt! CROW: I guess you have the *hot hand*! TOM&CROW: MIKE: Stop laughing! TOM: Hey Mike, would you mind pulling that rope there? MIKE: Why? TOM: Just pull it and find out! [Mike pulls the rope. A large metal girder swings down from another rope and hits Mike smack in the face. The bots laugh harder than than they ever have in their whole lives.] MIKE: I tink my dose is broken! TOM&CROW: MIKE: Oh god, I'm in so much pain! TOM&CROW: MIKE: I need to get the first aid kit... [Mike walks off-screen.] CROW: Hey, Mike, just don't open the medicine cabinet! [A creak is heard as Mike opens the medicine cabinet. Then several rounds of loud gunfire are heard, as if from a machine gun. Tom and Crow laugh again. Gypsy enters.] GYPSY: What is going on in here? I heard a gun! CROW: Oh Gypsy, you missed all the fun! GYPSY: What have you done to Mike? TOM: Just a few harmless pranks! CROW: Yeah, it's all in good fun! [Cambot zooms in on Gypsy. We can't see Tom and Crow anymore.] GYPSY: Oh my god, you might have killed him! *Then* where would you be? [Cambot pulls back again. Tom and Crow have their hands on the sides of their faces, Macauley Culkin-style.] TOM&CROW: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Sirens and buzzers go off.] ALL: FANFIC SIGN!! 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [Mike, Crow and Tom enter the theater.] TOM: No hard feelings, Mike? We were just having a little fun. MIKE: Yeah, well, it's a good thing I heal fast. And next time, don't imitate everything you see on TV, okay? > > Chapter Four > > Captain's Log > Supplemental > Due to the fact that we were deep in the dense asteroid belt of the > Alberry system it will take us an hour and a half more to clear the system > and go to warp. CROW: Don't ask me how the hell we got here. > From that time it will take another 4 hours to get to the > system which the shuttle's distress call came from. I fear we may arrive > too late. MIKE: In which case, all we can say is, "Oops." > > Mean while on the planet, Marrissa and the other children were > watching, via the sensors from a half dozen medical tricorders, the > enemy soldiers attempts to follow their trail. TOM: Hey, their cave gets cable! > So far they had hit two dozen trip wires (made of vines). CROW: Those kooky Trakce, they walk into everything! > This caused both gray ribboned > men to be hung by their legs an average of four times MIKE: ...taking into account standard deviation and allowing for error. > and all of them > had received a mushy biolumncant red fruit in their face, chest, or > back at least four times. ALL: > At this time the enemy decided to stop for the night. They > pitched some tents and cut down some limbs to start a fire. TOM: Luckily, the aliens had plenty of flammable arms and legs. > Back in the cave Marrissa asked Jay, "That's near communicator > number three, isn't it?" > "Petty close, number two should also be within range," Jay > replied. > "Clara, would you get your flute?" Marrissa said. ALL: NNOOOOOOO!!!! CROW: Oh god, please say this isn't happening! MIKE: Jeez, they brought everything on this field trip but a gaudy delphine water toy. > "I think > a little lullaby would do our friends some good. Open a channel to > communicator number three and play some music until you get them to > react, every hour, on the hour." TOM: I'm just glad you can't hear music through text files. > > Back in the enemy camp, the enemy began to hear strains of > such tunes such as 'The Yellow Rose of Texas", "When the Saints Go > Marching In", and March of the Tin Soldiers." However when Clara > began playing "Joy to the World" they began to look quite scared. CROW: If she plays as well as she acts, I can't say I blame them. MIKE: Didn't it ever occur to them to just follow the music and shoot the communicator? > As Clara switched to "March Slav" they began to pray to what ever > god or gods they believed in. TOM: Oh please, whatever-god-or-gods-we-believe-in, give us Lawrence Welk! > After a half-a-hour Marrissa closed the channel. "Let them > worry about that for a while," Marrissa said, putting here hand to > her head. > "What's wrong Marrissa?" Clara asked, concerned. CROW: I just can't take any more of your flute-playing. > "I'm getting a splitting headache," Marrissa said. "Too > much stress, I guess." TOM: I'm burning out at age 10! MIKE: See what happens when you're promoted to Admiral before you graduate elementary school? > "I think you need some rest," Clara said. "Go to bed, Jay, > Alex, and Shayna are alternating watches 'till dawn. I'll make sure > the enemy can't sleep, but you better. We can't have a tried and > sick leader, tomorrow." > "OK, Clara, I'll get some rest," Marrissa said. She picked > up her bed roll and spread out the foam pad and blank. Crawling > between them she continued, "Play your flute once in awhile to > our enemy. I want them tried and scared tomorrow morning." TOM: That way, they'll be certain to kill us and not take us prisoner. > > Though out the night at the beginning and midpoint of each > watch Clara blessed the enemy soldiers with her beautiful rendition > of "March Slav." However, the enemy didn't appreciate the piece. > They became more and more scared. CROW: Game over, man! It's a bug hunt! > In addition during Shayna's > watch she provided a constant version of the "Battle Hymn of the > Republic" on her harmonica. MIKE: Yowch. *Anything* sounds awful when played on a harmonica. TOM: I can't watch anymore. It's too horrible! > > By midnight the Enterprise was almost in the system which > the children were in. However Data announced, "Class 3 singularity > ahead." CROW: It's a quantum singularity emitting graviton pulses! It's disrupting our lateral phase inducers! MIKE: Crow, you do that *too* well. > "Helm go to Impluse," Picard ordered. "Plot a coarse around > the singularity, full impluse. When we are on the other side and > 2000 kilometers away, return to warp." CROW: Wouldn't it be faster to *warp* around the singularity? > "This is going to delay our arrival," Commander Riker said. MIKE: Of course it is! That's why Ratliff put it there! TOM: Damn these plot devices! > "It can't be helped," Picard said. "I just wished we weren't > the only ship in the sector." CROW: You should be used to it by now. The Enterprise is *always* the only ship in the sector. > > Just before dawn Marrissa woke up. After consuming a couple > of ancient Earth delicacies known as strawberry poptarts, she woke up > the others. TOM: Ewww! Strawberry Pop-Tarts? Now she's dead for sure! MIKE: Mankind has ridden themselves of poverty and crime, but they can't seem to escape Pop-Tarts. > As they ate their breakfast, Marrissa consulted the > hidden sensors from the medical tricorders. > The enemy soldiers were beginning to move toward the cave > again, so Marrissa began to quietly hand out the phasers. CROW: If they find us, just shoot yourselves with these. It'll be less painful. > "Their moving?" Jay asked. > Marrissa nodded. > "How far?" Alexander asked. TOM: Just out to the suburbs. > "Scanner Five," Marrissa replied. "Alex and Jay, leftside > of the entrance, us girls will be on the right." MIKE: Good, I don't want to be with those cootie-covered girls. > "As usual, the girls are always right," Jay commented. > "And don't you forget it," Clara returned. > Then the four enemies appeared on the edge of the clearing. > First to enter was the pale-faced gray ribboned followed by his > dark-faced fellow gray ribboned. Next was the pilot who was having > trouble holding his weapon. ALL: > Finally the leader entered. Spying the children, ordered his men to > open fire. CROW: This is for that crappy music!!! > They narrowly missed. Marrissa and the other children > returned fire. They stunned the dark-faced gray ribboned. The > pale-faced one collapsed without a shot hitting him. MIKE: So, I'll just go ahead and die, then? Okay... TOM: This is like ST:TNG meets "Village of the Damned." > The pilot > was having so much trouble holding on to his weapon that he couldn't > hit the broadside of a barn. CROW: That guy will never use the toilet at *my* house. > Seeing his men down and his pilot's lack of accuracy, the > leader adjusted his weapon's setting and fired at the gray ribbons > and vaporized them. MIKE: Heh heh, no bodies, no juvenile court. > Ordering a retreat, he readjusted his weapon > and fled into the forest, the pilot following. TOM: Run away! Run away! > After the aliens had left the clearing Marrissa spoke up, > "Now that we have them on the run, lets keep them that way." CROW: Let's toy with them before we finish them off. MIKE: Boy, that Marrissa has a mean streak. > "That sounds like a good idea," Alexander said. > "Jay, Clara, take the left side of the path," Marrissa ordered. > "Alex, Shayna, the right. Get ahead, take a pot shot and run." TOM: We have some pot here? Wooo! > "Where did you get that idea?" Jay asked. "It sounds familiar." > "Earth History, American Revolution, Battle of Lexington and > Concord," Marrissa replied. MIKE: We're the old soldiers of Trakce, and the King's own regulars... > "Now get going. As soon as they take off > we will meet back here, get our stuff and return to the shuttle." CROW: The grey ribbons are coming! The grey ribbons are coming! > > The enemy commander's week was getting worse and worse. First > he couldn't capture an unarmed shuttle. Then he lost a man checking out > the empty shuttle. TOM: Then his hard drive crashed. MIKE: And his girlfriend left him. CROW: And then there was the whole embarassing "poppyseed cake" incident. > Finally he lost two more men from what appeared to > be the young of the speice controlling the shuttle. He didn't know what > else could go wrong. MIKE: Hohoho, that's our Kooky! > He found out when a phaser beam shot past his nose. Off in the > bushes someone ran off and the enemy commander's shot missed. CROW: Charlie was close... I could smell him... > So much > for capturing a young member of the speices to use to control their > next conquered nation, namely the Federation. TOM: Oh, that sounds reasonable.... huh?! CROW: So if they capture Marrissa, the entire Federation would fall? MIKE: Well, after all, she *is* the Commander of Starfleet. > > Chapter Five > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > On the planet, the enemy shuttle was having a great deal of > trouble taking off. TOM: It was that damned anchor. > Not only were the pilot's hands becoming useless > rapidly, but occasional pot-shots from the forest were damaging the > shuttle. CROW: Let's watch Kooky try to escape from five bloodthirsty kids. Will he make it? Don't bet on it! > The Commander pushed the pilot aside and took over the controls > himself. The shuttle then left as quickly as it could, leaving the > children to begin reactivating the shuttle for their return to the > Enterprise. TOM: But I thought they crashed 'cause the shuttle was damaged and couldn't go and... and... MIKE: There, there. It's okay. > > Meanwhile, the Enterprise was entering the system. "Captain, I > am detecting a medium-sized vessel orbiting the fifth planet," Worf > said. > "Mr Data analyst," Captain Picard ordered. CROW: Ohhhhh, Mr Data Analyst Person, sir... > "The vessel matches the configuration of the attacking vessel > from the April's distress call,' Data replied. TOM: Gee, do you think it could be the vessel? > "Captain, a shuttle is leaving the planet," Worf injected, > "highly agitated. MIKE: It flew through a washing machine. > It is not ours." > "Scan for life signs," Picard ordered. > "Two life signs of unknown type," Data responded. > "Hail the larger ship," Picard said. > "Hailing Frequencies Open," Worf replied. > "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship > Enterprise, Please respond." > "Message coming in text only," Worf said. CROW: We'll have to use the ship's word processors. > "Please stand by, Commanding Officer currently not available." TOM: All our operators are busy. Please hold. Your call is important to us. > "It appears that we are on hold, Mr Worf," the Captain said > amused. MIKE: You can tell by the Yanni. > "Are we with in scaling range of the fifth planet?" CROW: This is no time for rock climbing! > "Yes, Captain," Data informed. > "Scan and identify life signs." > "Five life signs, four human, one Klingon inside the shuttle," > Data said. TOM: Oh, and a shuttle. > "Hail the shuttle," Picard ordered. > "Shuttle responding," Worf replied. > "On Screen." > A blond haired girl appeared on the Main veiwscreen. ALL: YAH! > Behind her > a long black haired girl and a short brown haired girl were working on > the shuttle. MIKE: It's nice that they aren't bald, but what color is their hair? > "Shuttle April, Marrissa Flores speaking. How may I help you?" CROW: I'll have 2 cheeseburgers and an order of fries. What do you want, Will? > "Where is Lieutenant Allen and Ensign Throwaway?" Picard > inquired. TOM: Killed by a nasty plot contrivance. > "Dead, I am the oldest surviving member of the passengers, all of > witch survived." Marrissa said, somewhat sadly. ALL: Burn her! Burn her! Build a bridge out of her! > "Clara and Shayna believe the shuttle is spaceworthly." MIKE: Of course, they also believe in the Easter Bunny. > "Did you encounter the occupants of the unidentified ship?" > Picard asked. > "Yes, we scared them out of their wits," Marrissa smiled. CROW: She's well on her way to being the next Jeffrey Dahmer. > "Transmitting data now. I thing that they will not allow themselves to > be examined. We stunned one and another collapsed, both of them were > vaporized by a third." > "Entering standard orbit, Captain," the ensign at the helm said. TOM: Oh, wow! I got a line on Star Trek! I'm a big star now! This'll show my dad! > "Captain, Clara informs me that we can take off at any time > now," Marrissa said. > "Belay that, Transporter Room beam them directly to the Bridge," > the Captain ordered. MIKE: I want to ground them personally! > "Unable to comply, Captain, Transporters are blocked in system," > the transporter room replied. CROW: Number One, remind me later to find out when our transporter room became sentient. > "Then Marrissa, hold launch until we can do something about > this ship," Picard said. TOM: No, I said 'launch,' not 'lunch'! > "Aye, sir. April out," Marrissa replied. MIKE: ...like a lamb. > As the veiwscreen returned to the view of the planet and the > other ship, Worf said," The unknown ship is finally responding to our > hails." > "On screen," Picard ordered. > The black-faced alien with his yellow hair drawn back with black, > red, and purple ribbons appeared in a plain white featureless room. TOM&CROW: MIKE: Please stop that. > The > Alien spoke up, "I am Ath Russen of th Graphpol. You are invading the > Trakcen Empire. Leave at once." CROW: I know it seems like an intrusion, but we call it "tea time." > "You might what to check your star charts," Captain Picard > began. "For 25 parsecs around this planet in all directions there is > nothing but Federation planets and starbases. And I for one have not > never heard of the Trakcen Empire." TOM: So, nyah. > "Then you are misinformed," the Ath replied. MIKE: No editorial commenth, pleath. > "Mr. Data please confirm the existence of the planets I > indicated," Picard ordered. "Request population and current Head of > State to update our records on unsecured channels. And I know you have > no calm on this planet, TOM: Diarrhea is like a storm raging in your planet... > Especially since the only people on it are my shuttle crew." CROW: And we plan on leaving them there. > "Captain, the exsistance of all 145 Federation bases and > colonies have been confirmed," Data said. MIKE: However, they have all been taken over by the Trakce. > "My information has been confirmed, has yours?" Picard asked. > The enemy commander closed the channel. TOM: Boring conversation, anyway. > Then Worf spoke up, "The Trakcen ship is powering it's weapons > and has raised shields." > "RED ALERT, raise shields, ready phasers, and photon torpedoes," > Riker commanded. CROW: I'll be under my bed. > "Analyst of Trakcen ship, Data," Picard asked. > "The power levels are comparable to early Constitution class > vessels," Data replied. "However it could be more manuvorable." > "The enemy is firing," Worf said. "Hit on our port shield, no > damage, shields still at 100 percent." TOM: Ach, ya, they are little girlie aliens. MIKE: It's a good thing they had those cheat codes for God Mode! > "CONN Move us between them and planet," Picard directed. CROW: Mr. B Natural ought to hold them off for a while. > "Mr Worf take out their shields, only." > Phaser beams shot out from the Enterprise toward the Graphpol. > Its shields flared red and then collapsed. The Trakcen ship turned and > fled. TOM: Mommeeeee... MIKE: Something tells me the Trakcen miscalculated their invasion strategy. > "CONN, follow them out of the system and then return to the > planet," Picard commanded. "Once they go to warp tell the April to take > off to join us. CROW: Um... shouldn't you get an *experienced* pilot to the surface first? > > After the Trakcen ship had left, the Enterprise returned to the > planet and the waiting shuttle. Hailing the waiting shuttle, Captain > Picard said, "This is Captain Picard, can you bring the shuttle into the > main shuttle bay or do you require a tractor beam." TOM: Heh heh. *This* oughtta be good. > "Jay says he and Alexander can bring us in," Marrissa said. MIKE: They've been dropping acid since lunch. They're pretty sure they can lift the shuttle over their heads, too. > "Once you are on board, we will beam you directly to the > quarantine unit in Sickbay per regulations," Picard said. "After you are > cleared CROW: ...which I hope to delay indefinitely... > I'd like you to prepare a report on your experances on the > planet and your opinion on the race which calls themselves the Trakce for > tomorrows staff meeting." TOM: Remember, you will be graded on delivery as well as content. > "I'll be ready, April out." > > Later that day, the Doctor arrived on the bridge. "How are our > young adventures?" Troi asked. MIKE: I told you never to mention our... "adventures"... in public! > "No worse for the wear," Crusher responded. "Other than a > couple bruises the only problem was Marrissa. CROW: The other kids really beat the crap out of her. > Be ready for an appointment with her. I treated her for P.M.S." ALL: TOM: That's more information than I needed, thanks. MIKE: Suddenly it's "My So-Called Life." > "Thanks for the warning, I'll rearrange my schedule." CROW: Oh, like Troi can preach on this subject. TOM: Drown your troubles in chocolate, Marrissa. > > > _________________________________________________________ > | STAR TREK || _______________ | > | THE NEXT GENERATION || .--' | |_-_| `-. `-. | > | Away From Home: Book 1 || ,'-------' [___] 07 | \ | > | The Field Trip || /____PART___________/___ || > | || \_________________|_/__/ | > | by Stephen Ratliff || (_||>______________) | > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MIKE: Say what you will about Ratliff, but he's a real ASCII artist! > Chapter Six > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > After being released from Sick bay Marrissa CROW: ...was transferred to Ward E. > went to see Clara. > When she entered Clara's room the younger girl was studying how the > Enterprise's warp engines worked. TOM: Oh, it's some neon lights behind opaque plastic. > "And you accused me of being a book worm," Marrissa kidded > lightheartedly. MIKE: No, I just called you a worm. > "I just got a little curious," Clara replied taking a sip of > milk. "This is fascinating." > "Can you tear yourself away from that to help me with my report > to the senior staff tomorrow?" Marrissa asked. CROW: I need you to check the grammar. > "If you will join Jay, Shayna, Alexander, and myself on Holodeck > Two tomorrow at 14 hundred hours," Clara responded. > "Why?" > "We had a discussion on our way home from sick bay. We decided > that we who like to try crewing the bridge and other parts of the > Enterprise. TOM: ...shouldn't have to finish our sentences. > Since the Captain doesn't allow kids on the bridge this is > the next best thing." MIKE: The Captain should remember that rule more often. > "I'll be there. Now about my report ..." CROW: ...it stinks! > > The next day Marrissa arrived at the observation lounge early. > Being the first to arrive she began pacing, back and forth in front of > the windows. TOM: This ain't Amsterdam, honey. > Counselor Troi was the next person to arrive. Sensing > Marrissa's nervousness she set out to calm Marrissa down, and if > possible remove her fear. "Nervous," she asked. MIKE: ...in a reassuring monotone. > Marrissa nodded. > "I'm sure you will do fine," Troi said. "Worf doesn't bite CROW: ...except when he's excited. TOM: And he *is* housebroken now. > and I think the Captain likes you." MIKE: That has whole other connotations that I won't get into. > "That's not what I'm worried about," Marrissa said. > "What then?" > "I'm not good at oral presentations. I calm up. CROW: My hands get all dry, and I stop shaking... > I can never > answer questions no matter how well I prepare. I usually get C's." > "A C is not bad." TOM: Heh! Now we know what grades Ratliff gets over at Radford U. > "It is when you are a strait A student. May be you should talk > to my Dad." > "Perhaps I will," Troi said. MIKE: Is he single? > "Meanwhile you might want to think > of the command staff's uniforms as pajamas. It worked for me." CROW: Especially with Will.... mmm... > "They do look like that," Marrissa laughed and Troi joined in. TOM: Uncomfortable, constricting pajamas that decrease your chances of having children, maybe. > > When the whole staff had arrived, the Captain introduced > Marrissa and asked her to present her report. MIKE: Remember - with feeling! > She began nervously but > soon gained confidence. First she outlined the circumstances of her > encounter. Then she told of her preparations. Thirdly she gave her > analyst of the Trakce. CROW: Then she examined the fiscal outlook for the next quarter. > Finally she asked for questions. ALL: Ooh! Me! Me! TOM: Why do you keep saying "analyst" when you mean "analysis"? > "Is it possible that the Trakce wanted to help you?" the Doctor > asked. "They could have been a medical team." > "I doubt it doctor," Marrissa replied. MIKE: You are *so* naive. > "You don't beam down on > a mission of mercy after shooting down an unarmed shuttle which was > doing nothing to you." CROW: If Marrissa's on it, that's all the reason *I* need. TOM: Um... and they didn't beam down, anyway. They flew down in a shuttle. > "I agree," Worf said. MIKE: There, I've said my line. Now I can get back to my needlepoint. > "The chances of the Trakce shuttle doing having no hostile > intentions to you were 5 billion to 1," Data responded. CROW: Our chances of enjoying this fanfic are even smaller. > "You said that you don't believe they allow themselves to be > captured," Riker asked. "What makes you think that?" > "I believe that because every time a Trakce fell unconscience the > leader vaporized him," Marrissa replied. TOM: Maybe they're just into euthanasia. > "Makes sense to me," La Forge responded. MIKE: Ah, the blonde leading the blind. > > Soon afterward, the meeting ended. Before Commander Riker > could leave, Marrissa called out," Commander Riker." TOM: Damn! > "Yes, Marrissa," Riker responded. > "I was wondering if you would be willing to evaluate some > Kobayashi Marus tomorrow?" Marrissa asked. CROW: Sorry, I... uh... have to wash my hair. > "Testing yourself for command potential," Riker guessed. > "Yes, myself and some others," Marrissa replied. MIKE: Riker immediately began planning to disguise one of the airlocks as a holodeck. > "You can't start with a harder test," Riker said. "I would be > glad to, but I can only do one a day." TOM: Yes, the Counselor told me about that. > "That's fine with me," Marrissa said. > > Later in Holodeck 2, Marrissa was in command of the Enterprise-D > doing the Kobayashi Maru. "CONN hard to starboard, Alex fire phasers and > photon torpedoes," Marrissa ordered. > "Firing phasers, the warbird's shields are down to 95 %," > Alexander said. CROW: This is like "Ender's Game", except it's not good at all. > "Jay find that shield frequency," Marrissa said as a round hit > her ship. MIKE: A ground round? > "Shields at 75 %," Alexander said. > "CONN evasive pattern Zeta Four," Marrissa ordered. "Increase > speed to full impulse. Head away from them." > The Warbird followed the retreating Galaxy Class vessel closely. > "Stupid move," Marrissa muttered. TOM: Yeah, what were you thinking, trying not to get shot at? > "Alex the locks on the forward > phasers and photon torpedoes directly ahead. Fire rear phasers and > photon torpedoes. CONN on my mark take us down 80 meters and goto full > stop." > The Enterprise spat out torpedoes ALL: ! > blinding the Romulan warbird > and draining it's shields. "Now CONN," Marrissa ordered. CROW: Wanna buy a Rolex, cheap? How about a little Three-Card Monty? > The Romulan warbird shot over the Enterprise and in front of the ship. MIKE: Gee, I'm sure the Romulans never saw *that* trick before. > "Fire at will Alex." TOM: Everybody? ALL: So Alex shot Riker. > The Romulan's shields collapsed. "Destroy them, Alex. TOM: Let's extinguish what we don't understand. > CONN coarse 180 degrees mark 4 relative heading," Marrissa ordered. > "Three warbirds decloaking," Alexander announced. CROW: Well, tell them this show's PG and to get the hell out. > > > MIKE: Uh huh... > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 15:57:58 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: REPOST Away From Home part 8 the First Interlude TOM: So the first part of the story just ENDS there, does it? MIKE: I guess it saves us from actually reading a Ratliff ending. > > > Away From Home part 8// > /////////////////////// > Interlude > ~~~~~~~~~ CROW: Oh good, I could do with some soothing music. > The kid's crew gradually matured, TOM: Some more than this author. > some members came and went, [Mike forcibly shuts Crow's mouth] > but eventually every child over the age of five (and some under) was a > member. MIKE: The Kids' Crew Happy Meal became AstroBurger's most popular item. > Marrissa obtained and held her position as Kid's Crew Captain > despite many members being older than her CROW: She became known as Marrissa the Xenocide. > The Kid's Crew remained a recreational club until one day > someone suggested that it could solve a personal problem the > Enterprized had. TOM: Mainly, that it was badly written. > This lead to the adventures told in Enterprized and A Gul's Revenge. CROW: Seen it. Hated it. > Marrissa's parents having died in Enterprized, MIKE: She was able to put her plan for galactic domination into full swing. > Captain Picard adopted Marrissa at the end of A Gul's Revenge. TOM: He has regretted it ever since. > Captain Picard then > took Marrissa home to France to meet her new relatives. MIKE: And "accidentally" fall from the top of the Eiffel Tower. > On their way > back they were diverted to the Maine to oversee a Cadet Cruise. This > cruise lead to Marrissa receiving a full commission of Ensign from > Starfleet Command. TOM: I'm glad I haven't had to see that yet. > About six months later, Q paid a visit to the Enterprise leaving > Marrissa in command of a diplomatic mission. CROW: I'm going to finish off your crew in the goofiest way possible, Jean-Luc. > The events told in Who Q? > Where Q? lead to Marrissa's promotion to Lieutenant junior grade. MIKE: I hope Forrester doesn't know about these stories... > The events of three years earlier and the Trakce were filed away > with the lack of further encounters. TOM: And lack of further interest. > Marrissa, however, worked on her > Trakce Report every once in a while, making it more concise and better > formated. CROW: Until it was finally reduced to "Mostly harmless." > > The Trakce, however had not forgotten the incident at the planet > witch the Federation had named DOAllen for the deceased teacher. MIKE: Dead On Arrival? That's a joke, right?! > They continued to plant their invasion of the Federation. TOM: Eventually, the invasion bloomed and sprouted pretty flowers. > A month after > Marrissa mediated the Naklab dispute over Sobnia, they decided to act. CROW: Alert! Alert! Cheezy backwards names! > Having failed to capture a child with their scout vessel, they decided > to obtain several by attacking a remote Federation Planet ... > MIKE: A remote ice world called Hoth. > > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 17:19:23 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: Away From Home Message CROW: Hey, I got a message for you right here... MIKE: Easy, Crow. > > Message from the Author of Away From Home : > Some of you were a little confused with my sudden jump to part > 11 from part 8. TOM: Others are confused by my poor writing, characterization, and plot. > I have recitifyed that problem. Part 11 is now part 9. > Part 11 will end up being part 3 of The Away mission and part 10 is part > 2 of the Away Mission. CROW: Okay, so part 11 is now part 10 of the second part of the story... TOM: No, the tenth part of the second story has been changed to part 9... MIKE: Wait, I think that's four score and seven parts ago... CROW: So who IS playing first base? TOM: I don't know! ALL: THIRD BASE! > What? this is even more confusing. MIKE: And Ratliff shows a glimmer of rational thought! > When then > think of Away from Home as a trilogy bound togeter in one volume. CROW: ...with duct tape and epoxy resins. On all four sides! > I hope this clears this up a little. TOM: Since I Oxycuted. > For those of you who want to read my other stories (Enterprized, > A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise, and Who Q? Where Q?) MIKE: ...I would recommend immediate psychological treatment. > they are now on my home page at http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff ALL: AAUGH! CROW: How did Ratliff get a Web page, and who let him do it?? > Just click on the appropreate picture and you will go directly to TOM: ...the dark depths of Hades, > the story. There is > also a link to the alt.startrek.creative archive www site in the FAQ > Status of Stories recently posted which is in my homepage. Away from > Home will be joining the other stories on my Home page soon. CROW: So it'll be my Away From Home page, get it? Oh God, it hurts... MIKE: That's a murderer's row of writing if I ever saw one. > > > > ______ Stephen Ratliff > _-' . .`-_ > |/ / .. . ' .\ \| Radford Unversity Student > |/ / ..\ \| (Sophmore) TOM: Yeah, his writing is pretty sophomoric. MIKE: You've been waiting to do that joke since Ratliff was a freshman! > \|/ |: . ._|_ .. . | \|/ email: > \/ | _|_ .| . .: | \/ sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu > \ / |. | . . .| \ / (perfered) or > \||| . . . _|_ .|||/ sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu > \__| \ . :. .|. ./ |__/ > __| \_ . .. _/ |__ home address: > __| `-______-' |__ 5249 Lakeland Drive > -,____ ____,- Roanoke, Va 24018 > ---' `--- > > > CROW: Yeah, I gotta admit, that's pretty good artwork... TOM: Let's get outta here... [They leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SOL. Mike and Tom enter.] MIKE: So did Crow tell you what he wanted to talk about? TOM: No, he just said to meet him here. [Suddenly the lights darken. In the dim light, you can vaguely see the outline of Crow. He is smoking a cigarette.] CROW: I'm taking a chance in talking to you here. TOM: Crow, what are you talking about? CROW: Don't call me that! It's too dangerous! Call me... Deep Shi-- MIKE: Oh, come off it, Crow. [The lights come back up. Crow walks over to Mike and Tom.] CROW: Okay, fine. But if you get killed, I'll disavow any knowledge of your existance. MIKE: Would you just get on with it? CROW: Mike, Tom, I've uncovered something. A conspiracy more insidious than Watergate, the JFK assassination, and yes, even the Van Patten Project. I am talking about... The Ed Wood-Stephen Ratliff Conspiracy! [Dramatic chord. A pause.] TOM: Huh? CROW: We were lead to believe that Edward D. Wood, Jr., actually died in 1978. TOM: Right. CROW: But few people know that his death was actually faked! See, Ed was caught up in some trouble with the mob, and... MIKE: Um, Crow... CROW: Anyway, he went into the FBI Witness Protection program and changed his name to... Stephen Ratliff! Trying to start a new life, he enrolled in Radford University two years ago and began writing cheezy Star Trek fanfics! MIKE: Crow, this is nice and everything, but do you have any proof? CROW: Proof? PROOF?? I got proof coming out the wazoo! TOM: Wazoo? CROW: Exhibit A: Wood and Ratliff are both completely untalented hacks. MIKE: Well, true, but... CROW: Exhibit B: Despite this complete lack of talent, they both continue to churn out work at an alarming rate. TOM: Say, you may be on to something here... CROW: Exhibit C: They both attack their work with an enthusiasm that seems to belie this lack of discernible talent. MIKE: Wow, it's all coming together! What else do you have? CROW: Exhibit D: Stephen Ratliff enjoys wearing women's clothing! MIKE: Wait a second, Crow... CROW: Exhibit E: Ratliff was once married to Dolores Fuller! TOM: Crow... CROW: Exhibit F: Ed Wood was an avid Trekkie, even going to the early conventions! [Mike and Tom both sigh and walk away from Crow, who continues to babble on about his "exhibits."] MIKE: You know, it's a real shame when the facts get in the way of a good conspiracy. [Sirens and buzzers go off.] MIKE: AAAHHHH!!! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN! T O B E C O N T I N U E D Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are copyright of Best Brains, Inc. This is a work of fanfiction and is not meant to infringe on that copyright. Likewise, Star Trek in all of its many forms is a bloated franchise copyrighted to Paramount. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Stephen Ratliff, however much he hay deserve it. It is meant in fun and games and shouldn't be taken seriously. 007 Mike Nelson and the bots will return in the 2nd part of this MiSTing, "Away From Home, Book 2: The Away Mission". > The biggest event in my life was being trapped in the turbolift > with Captain Picard. This earned me the nickname "Number One." MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 2: The Away Mission" Group MiSTing by Mike Barklage (editor) Petrea Mitchell Todd Gilbert This is a continuation of the MiSTing of "Away From Home" by Stephen Ratliff. If you have not read part 1, I strongly suggest that you do so before reading this. As always, comments are welcome. Please send e-mail to barklage@ucsu.colorado.edu. I will forward your notes to the other two writers, Todd and Petrea. 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [Mike and the bots enter the theater.] CROW: Exhibit R: Stephen Ratliff wore one of those Tor Johnson masks for Halloween in 1983! MIKE: That's enough, Crow. > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Subject: Away From Home Message > Date: Fri, 31 Mar 1995 01:50:47 GMT > > Message from the author of Away From Home. TOM: Your author is away from home. Please leave a message. > Away From Home's first section (the Field Trip) having been > completely posted, I now turn to it's second section, the Away Mission. > For those of you trying to keep up with my story's time frame, CROW: ...I would recommend a severe beating. > The Field > Trip occurs at the end of season 5. The Away Mission occurs before > Generations, and after All Good Things and my story Who Q? Where Q? TOM: So it's a few years later, then. MIKE: Any bets on whether Marissa's first period is over yet? > Note to the archivist : The Parts of The Away Mission will be > labeled starting with 11. An interlude will be part 8 and parts 9 and > 10 do not exist. CROW: It's Ratliff's version of the 18 minute gap. > > > ______ Stephen Ratliff > _-' . .`-_ > |/ / .. . ' .\ \| Radford Unversity Student > |/ / ..\ \| (Sophmore) > \|/ |: . ._|_ .. . | \|/ email: > \/ | _|_ .| . .: | \/ sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu > \ / |. | . . .| \ / (perfered) or TOM: "Perfered"? Ratliff can't even spell his own .sig right! > \||| . . . _|_ .|||/ sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu > \__| \ . :. .|. ./ |__/ > __| \_ . .. _/ |__ home address: > __| `-______-' |__ 5249 Lakeland Drive > -,____ ____,- Roanoke, Va 24018 > ---' `--- > > > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Tue, 11 Apr 1995 17:31:59 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: Away From Home parts 9-11 The Away Mission parts 1-3 MIKE: And "Away From Home" sweeps the double-header over "Away Mission" by scores of 9-1 and 11-3! > > > > . S T A R T R E K |part| | | | | | > . THE NEXT GENERATION |----| () | () | () | () | | > . Away from Home |9-11|/&&\|/&&\|/&&\|/&&\| | > . Book Two : |----| ## | ## | ## | ## | | > . The Away Mission |1-3 | $$ | $$ | $$ | $$ | | > . by Stephen Ratliff ============================== CROW: Four voodoo dolls and a blank? I think that pays 20 to 1. > Chapter One > ~~~~~~~~~~~ TOM: *sigh* Here we go again. Good luck, guys. > Commander William T. Riker was on his way to Engineering when > Marrissa caught up to him and called out, "Commander Riker." MIKE: But he wasn't sure who she was addressing. > "Yes, Lieutenant," Riker said as Marrissa pulled along side. CROW: Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon? > "I've been meaning to ask you why I haven't been on one of your > away teams yet," She asked. "According to the Computer I am the only > one who hasn't." TOM: Maybe because you're 12 and not a real officer? > "I never thought I would be this close to 100% away team > parceapation," Riker commented. MIKE: I've got to start excluding more crewmembers. > "Refresh my memory, what are your qualifications, Lieutenant." CROW: For one, I can spell "participation"... > "I'm seventh in the phaser accuracy ratings," Marrissa replied. TOM: Out of 1400 of the "best" officers in Starfleet. Right. > "Commander Data list me as a specialist in Trakce and Feudal culture. MIKE: ...but not grammar. CROW: That's nice, but we're in Vulcan space right now. > You are the only pilot on board with higher ratings." TOM: No wonder they keep losing shuttlecraft. > "I will keep you in mind," Riker said. MIKE: ...but I won't select you. > "Why did you come to me? > Surely your father could have asked me to take you on a mission." CROW: He could have, but he's dead, DEAD, *DEAD*!!! > "Two reasons, one I prefer to avoid having my father intervening > on my behalf," Marrissa stated. TOM: ...except when I don't get my way. > "And two it looks better on my record if > if I ask for more and different duties." MIKE: Bet it doesn't look so good when she gets turned down. > "Be careful you don't take on too much," Riker said. "You can > only do so much." CROW: You can only save one universe at a time, sweetie. > "I'm not stupid," Marrissa said. TOM: I'm mental, not stupid. > "I carefully check my schedule > before asking for any duty. It keeps Counselor Troi off my tail." ALL: > "Good idea," Riker replied. MIKE: I wish Counselor Troi was on *my* tail... > "By the way who are the people > above you in the phaser ratings and how did you get up their so fast?" CROW: By using the phaser. TOM: Now you die and we *all* move up in rank! > "Data is number one followed by, Guinan, ALL: Guinan?! MIKE: So *that's* why there are never any brawls in Ten Forward. > Worf, yourself, my father, Doctor Crusher ALL: DR. CRUSHER?! TOM: I'm quickly losing my faith in the competence of this crew. CROW: You had faith?! > and myself," Marrissa informed. > "I didn't realize that the Doctor was so high in the rankings," > Riker commented. MIKE: For some reason, that turns me on. > "The Doctor and I have been working on improving our phaser > rankings," Marrissa said. TOM: I stole some stuff from Sickbay and she's been hunting me down ever since. > "So that's your self-improvement project of the month," Riker > remarked. CROW: Uh huh... uh huh... oh please, God, get her away from me! > "Last months, this months is putting up with insulting ensigns," > Marrissa said. > "Why?" MIKE: Why not just punch their lights out? > "They keep calling me Risa," Marrissa said with an under-tone of > frustration. "Their are only two people alive who can call me that." TOM: And they're both dead. > "Is their a name you liked that people use to call you?" Riker > inquired. CROW: Yes, I like "Your Holiness". > "My natural father use to call me Princess," Marrissa mused. MIKE: And he called himself King Ludwig. > "Mom use to think it was funny for some reason." TOM: But Mom was never the same after the accident. > "Interesting, by the way who are the people who can get away > with calling you Risa," Riker asked. > "The Captain and Jay," Marrissa replied. MIKE: Weren't they an old band from the 70s? > "Jay? Why him?" CROW: He has certain... pictures. > "I am not going to answer that." > "I could order you to." > "You wouldn't DARE." TOM: ...to stay off drugs. MIKE: You know what happens to people who get in my way! > Then the red alert lights went on and the Computer announced, > "RED ALERT, RED ALERT, Commander Riker, report to the Bridge, Lieutenant > Picard, report to the Bridge, RED ALERT." CROW: Everyone else have a capuccino. They can handle it. > > Captain Picard was in command, Data at Ops, Worf at Tactical and > some Ensign at CONN TOM: Ensign Throwaway, perhaps? > when Marrissa and Commander Riker arrived on the > bridge. "Marrissa get a PADD from my Ready Room," Captain Picard said. MIKE: Make it "Imzadi." I didn't like "The Siege." > "We have need of your Trakce expeirance." > As Marrissa entered the Ready Room, Riker said, "Trakce? We > haven't heard from them in years." TOM: Yeah, but the foreshadowing was pretty thick. > As soon as Marrissa returned to the bridge Captain Picard said, > "We are on our way to the planet Dublin. We have received a distress > call from them. Mr Worf, replay the message." > "Aye, sir" MIKE: That's a pretty inocuous message. > The image of stars rushing by was replaced by a youthful > colonial administrator. He began, " This is the planet Dublin, We are > under attack by an unknown ship." (brief picture of yellow Trakce ship.) CROW: See? TOM: It's a Vogon ship! Note how it hangs in the air in the same way that bricks don't. > "It has overwhelmed our defenses and landed on the planet. They are > kidnapping our children. MIKE: And if word gets out that an undocumented alien is watching my kids, I'll never be re-elected! > Please re...." The message became static. TOM: Re...turn your library books? CROW: Re...hash old plots? MIKE: Re...write this fanfic? > "We will arrive in 5 minutes," Captain Picard said. "Marrissa, > why would they be taking children." > "Either One, obtaining slaves, Two looking for a puppet ruler," > Marrissa said. TOM: *snicker* Um, yeah, that makes sense. > "The last ins unlikely CROW: ...since I just made it up. > but we shouldn't discount the possibility." MIKE: Maybe they're simply taking hostages? > "Thank you Marrissa, take Conn," Captain Picard said. TOM: But sir... CROW: Get out of that chair, damn you! My little princess will fly the ship! > "Captain, since they are on the planet, multiple away teams with > our best phaser accuracy people are in order," Commander Riker suggested. MIKE: Yeah, forget diplomacy in a hostage situation. Just open fire. TOM: And how *convenient* that Marrissa just raised her phaser ranking. > "Agreed, Three teams lead by yourself, Data, and Worf," They > quickly moved to the turbolift. Captain Picard opened his mouth to > object to Marrissa's inclusion on the team. MIKE: Umm... what inclusion? CROW: This plot point left as an exercise for the reader. > However a quick glare from Marrissa silenced him. TOM: I wonder if she's related to Charlie X. > It was not wise to oppose Marrissa's career ambitions. CROW: I will dominate you all! Even you, Daddy! TOM: > > Commander Riker's away team was forming up in Transporter Room > One. "Remember our objective is to rescue the children," Riker said. MIKE: Oh yeah, and to shoot stuff. > "If I am unavailable, Lieutenant Picard is in command due to her > expeirance with this race. TOM: And her complete lack of experience with away missions. > Ensigns Lochard, Henderson, and Diral, you are our back up. ALL: grumble grumble bitch grumble grumble captain's daughter grumble... > Commander Riker, Marrissa and four yellow shirts took position > on the transporter platform, phasers drawn. CROW: The laundry's back, and it's ready to kick ass! > "Entergize," Riker ordered. MIKE: No, no, that was Ratliff's *first* story. > > The Away team beamed down in a low walled garden. The Yellow > Trakce ship was just about 50 yards away on the other side. Suddenly > purple energy bolts shot out from behind the low wall surrounding the > Trakce ship. CROW: But it says up there that the wall is surrounding the *away team*, not the ship, and, and-- MIKE: Shhh, it's all right, Crow. > The Starfleet officers dove for cover behind the blue gray stone wall. TOM: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to beam directly in front of their phasers. > > Chapter Two > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > The Away Team was pinned down behind the low garden wall. CROW: Last time, on "Away From Home." TOM: Just their luck: they try to hide behind it and it falls on them. > "Damn Commander Riker said after missing a shot badly. MIKE: How could I have missed Marrissa at this range? > "Watch your language, Commander," Marrissa said, taking a quick > and surprisingly accurate shot at the Trakce, stunning one. "You > shouldn't swear in front of children, or so Doctor Crusher keeps telling > the Captain." CROW: Oh, shut the f--k up. > "I'll try to remember that," Riker said, taking an even less > successful shot. MIKE: Jeez, has she got a personal force field or something? > "May I make a suggestion?" Marrissa asked. TOM: That phaser points the other way, numbnuts. > "Go Ahead," Riker said, looking at Marrissa. > "We have a fifteen meter long wall and we are only using about a > fifth of it," Marrissa began. "If we spread out a ..." CROW: Oh, you mean like this: " . . . "? > At that moment > she was interrupted and enveloped in a swirling purple transporter beam. > "Damn," Riker cursed as Marrissa disappeared. MIKE: Hey, no fair! I called dibs! > "Spread out, move after each shot. TOM: This way, we'll be more like ducks in a shooting gallery! > > Marrissa matterailized, phaser drawn, on transporter platform in > a medium sized red room, CROW: She's in the White House? > A Trakce with red and white hair ribbons was > standing behind the console. Two more Trakce with red and gray ribbons > were standing guard over three human children. Marrissa quickly took > out the Trakce behind the console followed by the gray ribbons. MIKE: ...while the Trakce, once again, did absolutely nothing. TOM: Three more! I'll have the Jonestown Life Achievement Award in no time! > "Who are you?" CROW: I'm Batman. > a young red-headed girl of about ten years of age > asked after the two gray ribboned collapsed beside her and the other tow > children. TOM: Sadly, Marrissa mistook her hair for a ribbon and shot her. > "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard or the Federation Starship > Enterprise," Marrissa said. MIKE: I'm not sure which. I don't think I'm a starship, though. > "Who are you?" CROW: I'm your worst nightmare. MIKE: Okay, that's enough. > "Heather O'Brien," the little girl said. "You can't be a > Lieutenant. You're too young." TOM: Well, you can't be an O'Brien. You aren't Irish-Japanese enough. > Moving to the console Marrissa continued," That seems to be a > common comment, but if you work hard enough and long enough you can be > anything. MIKE: Oh, she's a Republican. > Hum-um, this is surprisingly simple. CROW: Alien consoles in an unknown language? No problem! > Heather would you take a message to the Enterprise for me?" > "Sure, but how am I going to get there?" Heather asked. TOM: 'Cause we're in a transporter room and all and I don't see any way... > "If you and your friends get on the transporter pad I'll arrange > a tour of the Federation Flagship," Marrissa replied. MIKE: Big deal, I wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota! > "What's the message?" Heather inquired, mounting the platform. CROW: "Prepare to be destroyed." > "Ross, beam down were you came from. TOM: Huh? Who's Ross? CROW: If that's Ross from "Catching Trouble," I *will* see him die here. > Marrissa is taking on the enemy, which follows," Marrissa said. MIKE: The enemy is following Marrissa? > "Now repeat it back." TOM: "Marrissa wants to die in a blaze of glory." > "Ross beam down where we came from. Marrissa is taking on the > enemy, which follows" Heather repeated as the two other children mounted > the platform. CROW: Now say it with feeling. > "Good, entergizing," Marrissa said. The children disappeared > "Now I wait." MIKE: I wonder how many *days* it'll take for the Trakce to notice that three of their crew are dead. > > Meanwhile in transporter room 1 the sudden materailization of the > children lead to them being welcomed with phasers drawn. TOM: Fortunately, the children died quickly and painlessly. > Ross quickly > motioned his fellow security officers to holster their phasers. "Welcome > to the Enterprise, children," he said. CROW: Smoking or non-smoking? > "I have a message from the Lieutenant," Heather announced. > "Yes?" > "Ross beam down where we came from. Marrissa is taking on the > enemy, which follows," Heather recited. MIKE: What the hell does *that* mean? > "Transporter Room One to the Bridge," Ross Lochard said. > "This is Captain Picard." TOM: I *am* the Bridge! > "Marrissa just beamed some children on board," Ross informed the > Captain. CROW: We eat well tonight! > "They say that she wants reinforcements and that she is sending > some Trakce up. We will need more security and some one to look after > the children." MIKE: I'm sure Troi isn't doing anything important. > "Beam down, I'll make sure everything up here is taken care of. > Picard out." TOM: I give up. I've got no idea where anyone is or where they're going. > "Beam us down," Ross said as he joined Henderson and Diral on > the transporter disks. CROW: No fair, yours is a Bernoulli. > > The three some matterailized on the Trakce Transporter disks in the > room Marrissa was in. "Ross, Ensign Henderson, Ensign Diral," Marrissa > said, motioning toward the three prone Trakce. "Put these Trakce on the > platform. The Enterprise could use some prisoners." MIKE: They would really spruce up the place. > They quickly got to work placing the Trakce on the plat form and > beamed them up. Marrissa then noticed a nozzle near the ceiling of the > room. TOM: Hey, this isn't a shower, it's AAAAUUGH... > Below it on the wall was a set of buttons. The first was labeled > with a red circle. CROW: So they're in the red-light district? > The second was a red line above a red button. MIKE: It says, "Push here for 1, 2, 3, or 9". > The third a red line with a green circle below. TOM: Ah, the international symbol for "bad fanfic." > The fourth button was a red box with two green circles in it. CROW: Beware of cheesy matte effects? > Below all for buttons was a green bar with a green light in it. > Marrissa took out here tricorder and scanned the wall. TOM: Looks like Brady Bunch wallpaper. MIKE: Next, she scanned a sandwich. > Meanwhile Ensign Lochard was examining the panel by the door. he > was trying to figure how to open the door. CROW: Lochard's not exactly long on brains, I guess. > "Lieutenant I thing I have figured out how to open the door," he said. MIKE: There's a doorknob! TOM: These people have been spoiled by doors you just walk at. > "Take up positions," Marrissa ordered. CROW: Assume the position! > Marrissa and Ensign > Lochard took one side and Ensigns Henderson and Diral the other. "Now." MIKE: They broke into a spontaneous dance number. > Ross pressed a bottom by the doors did not open. TOM: Ross, remove your hand or I tell my dad! > Instead an > alarm went off and the over the intercom came the message that when > translated said, "Intruder Alert. Enemy in the transporter room." MIKE: Wow, all that because Ross touched Marrissa's hinder. > The panel went blank a did the transporter console. "Great, > just great," Marrissa said. CROW: I'm being sarcastic. Can't you *tell*? > "Lieutenant Picard to Enterprise." A nasty > static came over the communicator. "Great trapped in the transporter > room in a minute some one will probablely break down the door." TOM: If you're in that much trouble, might I suggest, oh, BEAMING OUT?! > Then > Marrissa noticed that her panel was still lit. Proceeding across the > room she said, "Could they be so stupid?" MIKE: Well, aliens are only as smart as their creators. > "Stupid?" Ross inquired. CROW: What did you call me? > "I think this panel is intruder control," Marrissa said. "It's > still working. If it is designed well it should lock the door before it > releases it's gas. TOM: But since they're stupid, who knows. > However I don't think Sulfur oxide in this quality > is going to make more than a stink. Especially since their is only 20 > milliliters of it in here." > "Then lets do it." Ross said. MIKE: As soon as we figure out what the hell you're talking about. > "Not so fast Ensign," Marrissa said. "I think the first one is > this room only. The second is this room and the corridor and the third > just the corridor. The fourth appears to be all the ship exception of two > rooms probablely here and the bridge. The green bar is most likely a > clean up device." CROW: Or it could be the ship's self-destruct sequencer. I'm not sure. > "May I suggest the fourth?" Ensign Lochard said. > "Agreed, we need to disable as many as we can," Marrissa said, > pressing the fourth button. An red outline appeared around the button, > and the green light inside the green bar turned red. An heavy object > hit the door. TOM: So the ship's intruder controls are all in the transporter room? The place most likely to have intruders?? CROW: Aren't plot conveniences great? MIKE: Judging by those last two sentences I'm willing to bet Ratliff has an entire editing cycle completely devoted to adding adjectives. > "Apparently it worked," Ross observed as the red outline > disappeared. TOM: Since the battering ram just hit the door and everything. > "Now to see if I can clear it up," Marrissa said. She pressed > the green bar. The light turned yellow. After a minute the light > turned green and the door opened. > Marrissa turned around and saw the Trakce in the doorway. His > yellow hair was drawn back with a red and a gray ribbon. The alien's > eyelid's were open but his eyes were rolled back revealing a violet > ball. CROW: Hey, when I said they had croquet balls for brains, I didn't know! > Marrissa scanned him with her tricorder and said, "Oh, No, no > life signs, He's dead." Falling to her knees she continued, "What have I > done?" TOM: I killed the wabbit... > > Chapter Three > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > "What have I done?" Marrissa repeated, on her knees next to the > dead Trakce. MIKE: After kill #374, Marrissa finally begins to show remorse. > "Lieutenant, I am detecting three Alien life signs in a room ant > the end of the corridor," Ensign Ross Lochard said. Marrissa was > silent. "Lieutenant? ... Marrissa snap out of it." CROW: Stop feeling guilty, it's just a dumb old alien. > Marrissa shook her head to clear her mind and got up. TOM: Well, let's get rid of all that nasty guilt. There! I'm all better! > "What was that Ross?" CROW: Chili peppers burn my gut! > "I have detected three Trakce life signs at the end of the > corridor," he replied. "In addition I read a hundred human life signs > on the deck below us." MIKE: Sounds like they're ripe for a peasant revolt. > "Any additional Trakce life signs?" Lieutenant Marrissa Picard > asked. > "No, sir," Ensign Ross Lochard replied. TOM: So this Trakce invasion consists of, like, 6 aliens? > "Then lets get to those remaining Trakce," Marrissa replied. CROW: I find I like killing. > "Ensign Lochard lead the way, Henderson guard the rear. MIKE: Keep Ross away from me, Henderson. > Oh and Ross..." > "Yes Lieutenant," Ross responded. > "Don't call me sir," Marrissa said. "I'm half your age. TOM: Don't remind me, SIR... > Call me by my rank or my first name please." CROW: Or don't call me at all. > > Moments later the four officers were outside the closed bridge > doors. "Do you think you can open this one, Ross," Marrissa asked. > "With out the alarm please." MIKE: Jeez, you don't have to be so snotty about it. > "Yes Lieutenant, this door only has one button," Ross Lochard > replied. TOM: Then he should be able to figure it out much quicker. CROW: It's marked "3000 VOLTS - DO NOT TOUCH." Should I touch it? > "Then Diral, Henderson, you go in first," Lieutenant Picard > ordered. MIKE: You're in no danger, you have real names. > "Ross and I will follow. Don't allow anyone to press a button. > Ross open the door. > CROW: But, uh, I have to press a button. TOM: Speaking of which, let's get out of here. [They leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SoL. Gypsy is alone on the bridge. An alarm starts beeping.] GYPSY: Huh? Unidentified object at close range... Cambot, give me Rocket #9! [Switch to Rocket #9. A teddy bear is floating all alone in the night. It's wearing a read and blue baseball cap and some sort of baseball shirt. As it tumbles towards the camera, one can make out "J. S." on the front of the shirt and "BABEARLON 5" on the back.] [SoL] GYPSY: Aww... poor little guy! Hang on, I'm coming out! [Rocket #9. The bear hits the camera with an audible , then gets pulled away to the side.] [SoL. Gypsy isn't there; Mike and Tom wander in.] TOM: ...it was just a fluke, I tell you. The Flyers are going all the way this year, no ifs, ands, or buts! [Gypsy comes in and drops the bear on the counter.] MIKE: Gypsy, what's this? GYPSY: It was floating by and hit Rocket #9. TOM: Geez, Gypsy, do you have bring in every piece of space junk that floats by us? MIKE: Yeah!... He's kind of a cute li'l guy, though. [Crow comes in, carrying a pile of papers.] CROW: Okay, Tom, I will *prove* to you that the Rangers can [sees bear] OH MY GOD!! MIKE: What is it, Crow? CROW: Mike, where did that thing come from??? MIKE: Gypsy brought him in. What do you think we should call him? GYPSY: Um... TOM: How about Alvin? CROW: We've got to get rid of it! TOM: Why, Crow? CROW: There must be a crossover field nearby! If we don't get that bear off the ship, anything could happen! [Mike and Tom look reluctant. Gypsy seems to be lost in a world of her own.] CROW: Besides, it could be carrying some mutant space virus or something. MIKE: Yaaah! [Mike runs off-screen; sounds of machinery are heard] MIKE: Phew! That was a close one. [The teddy bear floats past the SoL's window] TOM: Aww... there he goes. MIKE: It's okay, Tom, he's going back to join his own. Hey, what's that?? [Mike, Tom, and Crow move to the window. Gypsy still looks occupied. Mys- terious lights flash from outside, but the viewer can't see the source.] CROW: Well, what do you know! TOW: What the-- but that means they-- MIKE: Then she would-- CROW: But he can't-- MIKE: Then what about-- [The lights die down. Mike, Tom and Crow turn away from the window.] CROW: Wow. This changes everything! TOM: Yeah, we probably weren't supposed to know that until season 4 at least! MIKE: After seeing that, I'm just glad we got rid of that bear. GYPSY: Jeffrey. [pause] OTHERS: Huh? [Another pause, then alarms and sirens go off.] MIKE: Never mind, we've got Ratliff sign!!! 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [They enter the theater.] TOM: Babearlon 5, indeed. > On the Red Bridge of the Trakce ship, the Captain was sitting in > his chair in the aft port corner of the bridge. TOM: Hey, can't a guy have a little privacy here? > In the front of the > room two officers manned a console going from wall to wall. The Captain > wore two red ribbons. The left one wore a red and a green ribbon. The > right Trakce wore a red and a blue ribbon. CROW: You know, Stephen, we just DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRIGGIN' RIBBONS ANYMORE!! MIKE: Hey, calm down, Crow. > The Bridge also boasted a brig in the starboard aft corner. TOM: Ah. The ship was designed by committee, I see. CROW: Think of all the heckling the captain must get. > Suddenly the door opened up. The Starfleet Officers burst into > the room. "Hands up," Marrissa ordered her phaser pointing at the > leader. MIKE: I got you now, Capone! > The Trakce hands went toward the ceiling. "Now slowly back > away from those consoles." TOM: Now do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around. > When all the Trakce were out of reach of the consoles Marrissa > ordered, "Ensign Lochard search them." CROW: And be careful, they're sensitive. Itching powder kills them. > Ross Lochard approached the seven foot tall alien. Holstering > his phaser, he began patting him down. MIKE: Say, do you work out? > From the alien's back he removed a sword. TOM: ...and gave it back to the guy who'd stabbed him. CROW: There can be only one. > On his waist three spikes of some type were removed. MIKE: And his pants were headed for the floor! > The same process was repeated for both of the other Trakce. > "Now that you gentlemen have been disarmed, I'd like you to take > a seat over there in your bridge brig," Marrissa Picard said. TOM: Sure, the bridge brig was a bad idea, but it does save on set design. > "Please > go slowly and remember that all of the Starfleet personal are in the top > ten percent of phaser rankings on the Enterprise." CROW: Uh... so your average Starfleet crewmember is better than 90% of the Enterprise crew? MIKE: That sounds about right. > The Trakce took seats in their own brig and Marrissa began her > speech, "Now gentlemen, some introductions since I didn't have time > earlier. I am Lieutenant junior grade Marrissa Amber Picard, CONN > Officer on the Federation Flagship USS Enterprise. TOM: You know, she's awful damn proud of that "Flagship" thing. > My father is the > Captain of that ship. These are Ensigns Lochard, Henderson, and Diral > Security Officers on the same ship." As she said each name she gestured > to each officer. MIKE: Hellooo... TOM: Hellooo... CROW: Hellooo... ALL: HELLO! > "You are in big trouble," Marrissa said. "As a Starfleet > officer, I must arrest you on the following charges; One hundred four > counts of Kidnapping. One count of Kidnapping a Starfleet Officer, > namely myself, One count of leading an UN-provoked attack on a Federation > member world, CROW: The U.N. provoked the attack? I *knew* it was a conspiracy! > and on count of violating landing regulations." TOM: The most serious crime of all! MIKE: Marrissa Picard: Junior Parking Nazi. > "I have nothing to say," The captain said. CROW: I want my lawyer. > "By the way how do you turn off your jamming device?" Marrissa > asked. "I'd prefer not to start pressing buttons. I might just hit the > wrong button and kill your crew." TOM: I'm just stupid enough to do it, too! I'm a danger to myself and others! > "I have nothing to say." > "You should know that she has done it before," Ross commented as > if it was a common everyday thing. MIKE: Yeah, Marrissa pretty much slaughters indiscriminately... > The red and blue ribboned Trakce spoke up," Five in Four up on > my console." CROW: Orgy at his place! Woo! > "Thank you," Marrissa said. TOM: ...wuss. > "You shouldn't have said that," the Trakce leader scolded his > crew person. "Now we must die." MIKE: Now is the time on Sprockets when we die! > > Meanwhile behind the garden wall, Commander Riker had finally > found some time to check in. CROW: Well, errands are done, but I still have to pick up the dry cleaning... > "Riker to Enterprise ... Riker to Enterprise. Damn. Riker to Data." > "Data here." TOM: I'm right next to you. > "My communication with the Enterprise has been cut off," Riker > said. > "My communication suffers the same fault," Data's voice said. MIKE: Do you think there could be a connection? > "I'm pinned down behind a garden wall," Riker informed. CROW: That's the last time *I* try planting tulips! > "A couple of Trakce are firing on us from behind a wall surrounding their > ship. TOM: So Marrissa kills about 200 Trakce in a matter of minutes, but Riker can't handle *two* of them? > Lieutenant Picard has been beamed away by the Trakce. Inform > Worf and the approach the vessel from the other side. MIKE: Have you been drinking, sir? > > Meanwhile on the bridge of the Enterprise, Captain Picard was CROW: ...thinking how nice it would be to have a brig handy. MIKE: Let it go. > considering what he was going to do to say to his daughter when she > returned -- if she returned. His leading idea at present was TOM: "Go back and try again." > to confine her to her room until the next century. ALL: > He did not like not being > able to keep an eye on Marrissa. Not that he did very often, but > lacking that ability was a little unnerving. MIKE: I know she's out there... somewhere... plotting against me... > "Captain Transporters and Communications are jammed," the > tactical officer said. CROW: Okay, I can't beam down. What about the *rest* of the crew? > Make that next thousand years, Picard thought. "Picard to > Engineering. > "Engineering, Ensign Clara Sutter here." > "Clara? Where's Laforge," Picard asked. TOM: This is a Ratliff story, sir. All regulars are either missing or ineffectual. > "Clara's voice returned, "He's in Sick bay with plasma burns and > a broken hip. MIKE: It was another one of those random explosions in Engineering. > He left me in command of Engineering." CROW: He must have been seriously delirious. TOM: I hope she isn't going to play Bob Seger and dance around in her underwear. > "Can you find a way around this jamming field" Picard asked. > "Give me three minutes." MIKE: ...and then give me three more minutes. I really have no idea what I'm doing! > > > > > Chapter Four > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "Just how are you going to die?" Marrissa inquired the Trakce > Captain. CROW: Well, first the electrochemical activity dies down, then... > "Like this," he replied touching the bracelet he wore on this left > arm. A high pitched squeal was heard and all the Trakce vaporized > inside their uniforms. TOM: Jeez, too bad they couldn't point those things at other people. MIKE: I think Jack Kavorkian made those bracelets. CROW: At least they didn't vanish with an audible ping. > "Great, this mission will get me court-marshaled yet," Marrissa > said dejectedly. ALL: TOM: Honey, you passed that stage a *long* time ago. > "Permission to speak freely Lieutenant?" Ensign Lochard asked. > "Granted," Marrissa intoned. > "I have seen no court-marshaled offense," Ross Lochard said. MIKE: I know nothing! NOTHING! > "If anything your conduct has been the model of correctness and quick > thinking. CROW: Way to suck up, Ross. > So forget about a court-marshal which will not happen and do > what you do best ... Command Lieutenant." ALL: TOM: You're just hoping I'll forget you touched my bottom. > "Aye, Aye, Ensign," Marrissa said, a glimmer of laughter visible > for a second in her eyes. MIKE: And then, back to the usual gleam of madness and depravity. CROW: I'm in it for the kicks! > > At the system's analyst table in Engineering, Clara was working > on bypassing the jamming field of the Trakce. TOM: I bypassed your artery, now live, dammit, LIVE!! > Suddenly she shouted triumphantly, "Yes!" MIKE: Yahtzee! > Then more calmly she continued, "Engineering to the Bridge." > "Bridge, Captain Picard." CROW: This is no time for card games! > "Captain, this is Clara. I've solved the communications > problem. You should be able to contact the away teams now. Transporter > should be up in about ten minutes." TOM: It just hit the snooze bar. > "Thank you Clara, Bridge out." > "Lieutenant Watson, MIKE: ...the game's afoot. > you're in charge until I return," Clara > said. "I'll be in Transporter room 3. Clara Sutter to Shayna Sachs, > report to transporter room 3." CROW: Awww, but I just got to level 34 on Mario! > > Meanwhile back on the planet, the Trakce had stopped firing on > Commander Riker's Away team. TOM: They finally took pity on him. > Commander Riker was puzzled. MIKE: Why am I not surprised? > Then his communicator chirped CROW: ...like a mutant hellbeast. > and said, "Captain Picard to Commander Riker." > "Riker here." TOM: Riker there. Riker everywhere. > "nice to hear you again, Commander," Picard said from the > bridge. "I hope you can tell me more that what Marrissa relayed though > a bunch of kid's a half an hour ago." MIKE: He's been shooting and missing for half an hour?! > "I'm glad to here that Marrissa's safe," Riker responded. "I > was worried about her." CROW: It was a private joke between him and the captain. > "Personally, I wouldn't call trying to take over an Trakce ship > safe," Picard returned. "Now what is going on down there, Commander?" TOM: Well, we put a larger bulb in the E-Z Bake oven, and we should have cake in 5 minutes. > "I've been pinned down in a garden since we beamed down," Riker > said. MIKE: I've been crying like a girl, sir. > "Data reports the capture of a dozen Trakce, three by his team, > the rest by Worf's" > "Good, Commander. CROW: Good Commander! Now sit! Stay! > Clara's working on the transporter now. Is > there anything you need?" Picard enquired. TOM: I want some pudding. > "Freshly charged phasers would nice," Riker said. MIKE: Happiness is a charged phaser. > "Did you say Clara's working on the transporter?" CROW: Note to myself: find reason to stay on planet. > "Commander La Forge was working on the communications array when > he lost his grip and fell into a plasma transfer conduit," Picard > informed Riker. TOM: That ship is an OSHA nightmare. > "Doctor Crusher says he broke his hip and of course has > massive plasma burns. MIKE: You know, he sounds pretty blithe about the whole thing. > He won't return to duty for another week. On his > way out of Engineering he moaned, CROW: "Beware of the dwarf." > 'Clara you are in charge.' So we now > have a eleven year old acting Chief Engineer. TOM: And I'm just the captain, so I can't countermand his order. > Enterprise out." > "Data to Commander Riker." > "Riker here, go ahead, Data." CROW: Non-stop communicator action! > "Commander, the Trakce we captured have vaporized leaving their > uniforms behind." MIKE: It's the Wacky Disintegrator, from Whammo. > "Thanks for the information, Data," Riker said. "Communication > with the Enterprise has been restored. Report in. Riker out." TOM: Yes, this fall, reports are in, while Rikers are way, way out! > > Back on the Enterprise in transporter room 3, Shayna was > standing behind the console while Clara worked on the circuits. CROW: This'll be the best Homecoming float ever! > "Try number 4076," Clara announced. > "OK." Shayna said. A transporter teat object (TTO) was on > beamed out and back in. TOM&CROW: TEATS! TEATS! TEATS! > The TTO was blacked and smashed in. MIKE: Ah, it's the Rodney King model. > "I don't think we have it right yet." Shayna walked over and removed and > replaced the TTO. CROW: TTO was always my favorite of the Jackson Five. > "That's an understatement," Clara said, changing some circuits. > "Try number 4077." ALL: > "Beginning beam down," Shayna said after returning to the > console. The new TTO dematerailized. "Beaming back." The TTO > rematerialized in perfect shape. TOM: It's been working out. > "Yes!" Clara exclaimed. "Let's get Commander Riker his fresh > phasers," Clara said placing five phasers on the transporter pad. CROW: Get him a six-pack of Schlitz while you're at it. > "Entergize." > The phasers disappeared. MIKE: That'll happen. > > Meanwhile back on the Trakce vessel Marrissa was theorizing, TOM: Uh-oh, look out, she can B.S. with the best of 'em! > "I don't think the Trakce was telling the truth," Marrissa stated. "All > the active system buttons we have seen were boxed in. Her console, > which is defiantly a communications console, MIKE: It *dares* you to communicate. > has only one such button. > Four in Five up is not it." Marrissa pressed the button which was boxed > in. The box disappeared. > The Trakce computer announced, "Modified jamming field off." CROW: Man, alien technology is *easy*! It speaks English and everything! > Marrissa smiled," Lieutenant Picard to the Enterprise." > Her father replied from his bridge, "Enterprise, Captain Picard. > It's nice of you to report in yourself." TOM: Oh, is the great Marrissa Picard going to report in? > "Sorry Captain, but the more you use anything the more likely > they are to block it," Marrissa said. CROW: Huh? MIKE: It's like Murphy's Law, except really dumb. > "I have captured the Trakce ship. CROW: It was really simple, too. All I needed was a super-soaker. > Unfortunately, the Trakce Captain chose to vaporized himself and his crew > before submitting." TOM: I guess the leather scared him. > "Beam up as soon as the analyst team from Engineering arrives," > Captain Picard said. "Clara called, she has to delay her dinner with > you. MIKE: So he's a captain *and* an answering service! > She is acting Chief Engineer until Commander La Forge recovers." TOM: Or until he wakes up and realizes his horrible mistake. > "How is Engineering taking being under the command of a eleven > year old acting ensign who is a daughter of a junior ensign in the warp > field mechanics department," Marrissa asked. MIKE: About the same as people who talk in run-on sentences like this one and the one that you just said which is to say pretty bad. > "I expect that Engineering will book Counselor Troi this week," > Picard said. CROW: Oh, yeah... buck-a-chicka-wow! TOM: She's got a great act. She does this amazing trick with her-- MIKE: That's enough, Tom. > "I also expect a report from you by tomorrow morning. CROW: What is Picard's obsession with reports? > Oh by the way, I promised those children you beamed up that you'd give > them a tour of the Enterprise when you returned. MIKE: Think she'll use the phrase "Flagship"? > Enterprise out." TOM: So... what happened to the hostage situation, anyway? > > > > > Chapter Five > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > While awaiting the arrival of the Engineering Analyst team, > Marrissa suddenly remembered, "The children! Ross scan to see if those > children are still here." MIKE: Good call, Servo. CROW: Oh yeah, the stupid hostages we were sent to rescue. Lucky we didn't gas 'em. > "Confirmed." TOM: However, they are all dead. > "Lieutenant Picard to Doctor Crusher." > "Crusher here." > "I just captured the Trakce ship and I think it would be > advisable for you and Counselor Troi to beam down," Marrissa suggested. MIKE: And when Marrissa suggests, it's an order! > "The deck below me has a hundred children that the Trakce captured." CROW: So group therapy is probably called for. > "I'll be right down. Crusher out." TOM: Crusher is out! Hulk Hogan retains the WWF championship! > > When Marrissa finally returned to the Enterprise, Captain Picard > and the three children she had rescued were waiting for her. MIKE: ...with baseball bats. > "Worried Dad?" Marrissa asked. CROW: Sure, now that you're back. > "Most certainly not" Captain Picard denied unconvincingly. TOM: That Patrick Stewart is such a lousy actor. > "These children have been waiting for their tour. When you come by the > bridge be ready for battle stations. MIKE: I feel like destroying something. > I just discovered that the Beta > shift is overdue for a drill. I really should speak to Commander Riker > about it." > "I can't wait to see Troi in action," Marrissa said. CROW: Oh, wow... MIKE: Crow... CROW: What? I wasn't gonna say a word! TOM: See, the Betazoid commands the Beta shift. > "She > should know somethings up when you ask for volunteers to command a shift > on a ship wide broadcast. May I suggest Romulans?" MIKE: No thanks, I just ate. > "Excellent idea, Lieutenant," the Captain said. "I believe your > tourists are getting antsy." > "Then I better get going," Marrissa replied. "Follow me." > > Entering the turbolift with the children Marrissa asked, > "Heather will you introduce me to your friends. Main Engineering." > "This is my little brother Corey, and his friend Sam Lynch," CROW: He's the comic relief. > Heather said indicating first a read headed boy, then a blond one. TOM: Yes, this season's hot new hair color will be Times Roman! > "Nice to meet you Corey, Sam. My name is Marrissa Picard, just > call me Marrissa." > "Shouldn't we call you by your rank?" Corey asked. MIKE: No, I don't like "Stinky". > "No, you aren't a member of the crew or even my Kid's Crew," > Marrissa replied. CROW: You are inferior to me in every way. > "Plus I'm only twelve and a half years old." > "You're not much older than me and you are a Starfleet > Lieutenant!" Corey exclaimed. TOM: It doesn't make much sense to us either, kid. > "Just wait until you see who is in charge of Engineering," > Marrissa said. MIKE: And Macauley Culkin is our head of security. > The turbolift doors opened and Marrissa lead Heather, Corey, and > Sam into Main Engineering. Clara was standing by the Warp core yelling > up it. CROW: Let's watch the gruesome result as Clara sticks her head in the warp core! > "Mr Barclay, I want that system diagnostic done by 1500 hours and > a report on my desk a hour later." TOM: But you don't have a desk... MIKE: Oh, this'll help his confidence, being ordered around by a pre-teen. > Marrissa put her finger by her nose, CROW: ...and blew snot all over the deck. > indicating that they should > be quiet. She then went to the replicator and ordered a plate of cookies > by punching in the code. Marrissa then crept up behind Clara and placed > the tray below her left wrist. TOM: Uh oh! They're on a collision course for wackiness! > Almost reflexively Clara picked up a cookie and bit into it. MIKE: And then saw half a worm waving at her from what was left. > "Eating on duty, Ensign?" Lieutenant Marrissa Picard barked. ALL: Woof! Arf! Arf! > Then more smoothly she continued. "You owe me three credits." CROW: But that's not fair! Marrissa's the one who gave her the cookies! > "I'll pay you we I get off duty," Clara replied. Noticing > Heather, Corey, and Sam she asked, "New recruits?" TOM: Fresh meat. > "No," Marrissa replied. "These are the children I rescued from > the Trakce. Heather O'Brien, Corey O'Brien, and Sam Lynch. MIKE: Miles and Keiko have been busier than we thought, apparently. > Dad ordered > me do give them a tour before they return to the planet's surface." CROW: A taste of the good life, then back to the slave pits. > "I guess its time for the two minute tour of Engineering then," > Clara said. TOM: Only two minutes? CROW: Well, it *is* a small set. > "Follow me. This is the Master Situation Monitor ..." MIKE: ThE MAsTeR wOuLDn'T aPpROve oF SitUAtIoNs... > > When Marrissa and her charges enter the bridge via the battle > bridge turbolift Counselor Troi said, "Marrissa, the Captain wants to > see you in his Ready room." TOM: But I haven't finished showing these spies all our secrets. CROW: Hey, that'd be a fun plot twist. MIKE: Yeah, but this is Ratliff. No plot twists allowed. > "Thank you Counselor," Marrissa said "Would you give my friends > here a tour of the bridge while I see what my father wants." Marrissa > entered the ready room. TOM: Well, this is, uh, the bridge. > A couple minutes later she returned and said, "The Captain has > ordered the following rotations, Ensigns Martin, Laternize and > Lieutenants Anton and Felix, the Captain has some duties in his ready > room which better suit your talents. MIKE: He needs to do a scene with some acting in it. > Heather O'Brien take CONN, Corey Ops; Sam, aft stations." CROW: TOM: What?! Okay, they're little kids, they've never been on board a starship until now, and they're going to take control of the Battle Bridge? MIKE: Do you know how any of this stuff works? TOM: No. Just keep pressing buttons until something blows up. > The exchange of places was made with Marrissa taking tactical. CROW: Duh... not... sense... making... MIKE: Snap out of it, buddy! > "Marrissa why are you amused?" Counselor Troi asked. TOM: Oh, the idea of kids in control of a fully armed battleship just cracks me up! > "You will find out soon enough," Marrissa smiled. CROW: You will die soon enough! > Over the intercom Captain Picard announced, "Commence Bridge > Battle Drill." MIKE: Insert another 25 cents. > "Romulan Warbird De-cloaking directly ahead," Marrissa announced. > "Raise shields and hail them Lieutenant," Troi replied. > "No response, They are powering their weapons," Marrissa > responded. TOM: What a surprise, this being a *battle* drill and all. > "Ready phasers and photon torpedoes ..." CROW: And get me a real crew! > > > > MIKE: Yes? > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Fri, 14 Apr 1995 18:35:10 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: Away From Home part 14 The Second Interlude TOM: Ah. The second book is over, I see. CROW: Ratliff's stories don't really *end*; they just kind of taper out. > > > Away From Home part 14 > > The Second Interlude > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Marrissa almost got her full Lieutenancy after the Away > Mission. The only thing that stopped her was the six month time between > promotions rule. MIKE: And a sudden attack of sense in the Starfleet command structure. CROW: Holy cow, Ratliff's a boy scout! TOM: That would explain a *lot*. > Ross Lochard became a Lieutenant junior grade upon Marrissa's > recommendation. MIKE: Well, hey! Sucking up to your boss *does* pay off! > He also began dating Ensign Katherine Szustakowski. CROW: That's great, but WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?? > Clara Sutter spent a week as acting Chief Engineer. TOM: Nobody was smart enough to replace her, I see. > Most of Engineering came to Counselor Troi that week with feelings of > inadquitcy. CROW: ...after they found out that Clara had a bigger-- MIKE: CROW! > Shortly after her tenure as Chief Engineer, Clara > published and article in the Cochran Technical Journal titled > "Mathematical analysis of Possible New Warp Power Asymptotes." TOM: At that point, her chances of being cool were ruined for life. > Since not > many people looked up the biographical listing on Clarrissa Ann Sutter > of the USS Enterprise record it was well received. CROW: ...by the three people who read it. > The Enterprise itself crash landed and was declared > unsalvegable. MIKE: What... just like that? CROW: Could this have something to do with having so many *kids* in charge? TOM: Uh... nurk... AAARRGH! > While waiting reassignment the crew of the Enterprise was > bombarded by the media. CROW: Oh, so it was *reporters* who destroyed the Enterprise! MIKE: Tom? Tom, speak to me! > Of particular interest to them was Marrissa, due to her rank and age. MIKE: And her one-time friendship with O.J. CROW: Hey Mike, is Servo okay? > In fact she become the media darling of > Starfleet until they began getting on her nerves. CROW: *They* began getting on *her* nerves? > The Trakce however still wanted a child for their plans. MIKE: So they decided to adopt. TOM: Oooh, lookit the pretty pixels. > Unfortunately for them, for them third time is not a charm. CROW: Now *there's* some subtle foreshadowing. MIKE: Come on, we've got to get Tom out of here. TOM: Duuuhhhhh.... daaaaaaaaiiiiiuuuurrrrr.... [They leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SOL. Servo is sitting on the counter. His head is broken and smoke billows out of it. Mike is intent on trying to fix Servo while Crow looks on.] CROW: So, Mike, that's the end of another "book?" MIKE: Yep. CROW: Was there any dramatic tension in there? MIKE: Nope, just a meteoric rise through the ranks. CROW: Ah, like a Clancy novel. [Tom begins to move his head back and forth slowly.] TOM: Snxbble grnklph... dhdkhcvwefs... qwertyuiop... MIKE: Tom, speak to me, buddy! [Tom swivels his head faster than before.] TOM: WOOP WOOP WOOP! YAAHH!! What happened? MIKE: You fizzled out on us towards the end, there. TOM: Oh yeah. I remember... the Enterprise exploded for no reason, or something like that. CROW: Yeah, I wonder what the heck he was talking about. MIKE: Well, he was obviously referring to "Star Trek: Generations". TOM: Huh? CROW: Uh, no, Mike... MIKE: Yeah, the Enterprise blew up at the end of the movie. TOM: "Generations"? CROW: MIKE! MIKE: You remember, don't you? The final union of old generation and next, in which Kirk and Picard team up in the Happy Ribbon to stop Dr. Soran? TOM: Oh yeah... "Generations." Now I remember. Thanks, Mike. NNNYYYYYUUUUUAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!! [Servo's head explodes not once, not twice, but THREE times. He collapses on the counter and doesn't move.] MIKE: Holy cow! CROW: Great going, Mike. Servo had to go through months of intense therapy after seeing "Generations", and he had *just* gotten to the point where he could watch "Tekwar" without babbling incoherently, when YOU come along and ruin EVERYTHING. MIKE: Jeez, I'm sorry, Crow, I didn't know... CROW: I only hope he can be helped after this latest setback. MIKE: I'm sorry, I really had no idea... [Buzzers and lights go off.] MIKE: AAAHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN! TOM: Urk. T O B E C O N T I N U E D Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are copyright of Best Brains, Inc. This is a work of fanfiction and is not meant to infringe on that copyright. Likewise, Star Trek in all of its many forms is a bloated franchise copyrighted to Paramount. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Stephen Ratliff, however much he may deserve it. It is meant in fun and games and shouldn't be taken seriously. Stay tuned for the, uh, fantastic conclusion of this extremely LONG MiSTing, "Away From Home, Book 3: Chasing Marrissa." > A transporter teat object (TTO) was on beamed out and back in. MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3: Chasing Marrissa" Group MiSTing by: Mike Barklage (editor) Petrea Mitchell Todd Gilbert Here is the third and final part of the MiSTing of Stephen Ratliff's "Away From Home." If you have not read parts 1 or 2, I strongly suggest that you do so before reading this. And if you read all three parts without a break, I strongly suggest that you go lie down before you hurt yourself. As always, comments are very welcome. Just send your e-mail to me at barklage@ucsu.colorado.edu, and I will forward it to the other authors, Todd Gilbert and Petrea Mitchell. 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [Mike and the bots enter the theater. Tom's globe is magically healed.] MIKE: You gonna be all right, Tom? TOM: I think so. MIKE: Because I don't want you conking out anymore. There's a lot more Ratliff to get through. CROW: Ohhh... now *I* don't feel so good. MIKE: Don't you start. > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) > Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 17:35:57 GMT > Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative > Subject: Away From Home part 15 Chasing Marrissa part 1 CROW: Chasing Marrissa? With baseball bats and iron bars, I hope. > > > > ________________ > (-___part_15_____\#####AWAY FROM HOME###==--- > _-_ ,-' / > ____.---'___`---._,-'___/ > \___________________](@)_> > `'`--.____.-' -==`. \ > `-' ____`._\_________ > (-___part_01_____/#####CHASING MARRISSA#==--- TOM: Ooooh, pretty. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the one good part of this fanfic. Enjoy it while it lasts. CROW: Looks like the old Enterprise got kinda wrung out. > > A Star Trek the Next Generation Story in the Marrissa Stories > > by Stephen Ratliff TOM: A Next Generation story *in* the Marrissa stories? Marrissa gets top billing now? MIKE: She must have one heck of an agent. > > Chapter One > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The Door the Captain CROW: The Captain, the Door. Now that we all know each other... > Jean Luc Picard and his daughter Marrissa's > quarters on Starbase 151 opened. Marrissa's voice was heard saying," > I'm not answering anymore questions. No I'm not granting interviews. No > I will not pose for pictures. MIKE: No, I will not eat green eggs and ham. > I just want to spend some time without > you tailing me everywhere. Now go AWAY." TOM: But Marrissa, I'm your father! > Marrissa entered the room. A member of the media tried to > follow her but she quickly turned and sent him into the wall. opposite > the door. CROW: With the merest nudge of her telekinetic powers. > Captain Picard and Counselor Troi were seated on the couch by a > window overlooking space dock. MIKE: ...pretending they weren't just naked. > "I wish I could do that," Captain Picard said, TOM: ...but I'm so old and weak... > "but I don't think the media would reflect well on a > Starfleet Captain shoving a reporter into a wall." > "I just wish I could get away from them," Marrissa fumed. CROW: Must be a *really* slow news week. > "I was just telling the Captain that you should take a > vacation," Troi said. "I was going to recommend on before the > Enterprise crashed but events got in the way." TOM: I'm okay with it, Mike. Really. MIKE: Just making sure. > "But, how can I get away from the media," Marrissa asked. > "They follow me to class, to dinner, even into the locker room." CROW: Those aren't reporters, honey. They're child pornographers. > "That may be a problem," Troi commented. > "Maybe not," Captain Picard said. "The Media will follow any > blond haired girl with Lieutenant's pips." MIKE: Hey, that's dirty! > "I'm sure Clara and Shayna will be glad to help," Marrissa said. > "I've got three officers leaving the Starbase tomorrow," Picard > said. "LaForge, Data, and Riker." TOM: Earthborn seeds fly outward, let the stars beware! > "Clara will be going will Data anyway," Marrissa stated. "I > hope she enjoys the Daystorm Institute for Engineering and Museum. " CROW: The Institute for Engineering and... Museuming? > "Commander Riker is going to Deep Space Nine and LaForge, Risa," > Troi informed. MIKE: You'd think that would be the other way around. > "I'll take Risa," Marrissa said. TOM: I'll take Manhattan! > "Shayna's parents will allow > her to go to Deep Space Nine with Commander Riker, who they think highly > of. CROW: Of course, we're not sure *why*... > However, they wouldn't let her go to Risa under any circumstance." MIKE: No spring breaks in her future. > "I have a problem with Risa," Captain Picard said, dryly. TOM: It really blocks me up. > "Da-ad," Marrissa persuaded, "I'll be good, and its not like I'm > looking for guys. CROW: I'll be looking for *chicks*! > In fact I imagine that that would be hard for me do > do on any planet. MIKE: But I'll have some laxatives with me. They should help. > Plus, this is supposed to be a vacation alway from the > media. Tell me would you look for a 13 year old daughter of a starship > Captain on Risa?" TOM: Would you look for *any* 13 year old on Risa? > "Al-right you can go," Picard caved in. CROW: Ugh. I'm not cleaning that up. > "However if I here a > word of about a problem from Commander LaForge ... your next assignment > will be the most back-breaking I can find." MIKE: Don't worry, I'm sure LaForge will behave. > "It may be advisable to go under an assumed name," Troi > suggested. > "Already chosen," Marrissa said. > "What," Picard asked. TOM: Cher! > "Amber Flores, Its perfectly legal for me to use," Marrissa > said. "I think its time for a sleep over." CROW: Whee! Let's paint each other's nails, then have a pillow fight! > > The next morning, the Media followed a blond haired girl in a > Lieutenant's uniform exiting the Picard family quarters with Data. > More than two thirds of the Starbase's media booked passage on the > star liner to the Daystorm Institute with them. MIKE: Well, it's not Marrissa, but let's follow her anyway. > Around Noon another blond girl in Starfleet uniform left with > Commander Riker for Deep Space Nine. The rest of the media left > Starbase 151 to follow them. TOM: All two of them. > This left no media to spy the blond girl > in T-shirt and slacks leave with Geordi LaForge. CROW: So, then... the media in the future is rock-stupid? > > > > Chapter Two > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > Arriving at Risa, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge and > Lieutenant Marrissa Picard approached the registration desk. MIKE: *The* registration desk? What is Risa, a spacegoing hotel? > "You are sir," The hotel clerk asked. > "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, starship Enterprise" TOM: ...or what's left of it. > "Room 138 in the West Wing," he responded. "And you are young > lady?" CROW: No, *she* is young lady. I am blind black man. > "Amber Flores," Marrissa responded. > "Room 139 in the West wing, the Valet will take your bags," the > clerk said. > MIKE: No one will be seated during the intense "Hotel Registration" scene. > Meanwhile across the room TOM: Oh, so Risa's just a room. > a couple of Starfleet Lieutenants were > discussing the young lady checking in. "I'm sure that's Marrissa > Picard, the youngest Lieutenant in Starfleet," Lieutenant Chris Crocker > said. CROW: Hey, look, it's a Deus Ex Moronica. > "I doubt the famous Captain Picard would let his daughter visit > Risa" Lieutenant Phillip Andrews junior replied. > "But that's Picard's Chief Engineer with her," Crocker rebutted. > "Surely that would be a sufficant escort." MIKE: Who, LaForge? The guy who fell into a plasma tube last section and found out a pre-teen could do his job? > "However it could ..." > "Your not going to suggest that she's his date," Crocker > interrupted. TOM: Chris Crocker, heir to the cake mix empire! > "Their may not be a minimum age on Risa, but I doubt > Lieutenant Commander LaForge is that sdespurt. MIKE: Hey, this is Geordi "Holodeck Lover" LaForge, so you never know. CROW: I'm trying to figure out how Ratliff got from "desperate" to "sdespurt." > I mean dating the > Captain's daughter that is really going far for a date." MIKE: Hey, *every* woman is some Captain's daughter. > "We haven't proven that she is Marrissa Picard," Andrews > replied. > "That's easy enough, we ask her," Crocker responded getting up. CROW: I guess these losers really don't have anything better to do. > > Meanwhile Marrissa was telling Geordi, "I think I'll change into > my swimming suit and get some use out of the pool." TOM: And do something about that G rating. > "I've got to report our arrival to the Captain," Geordi replied. > "I'll see you at the pool after I'm done." MIKE: Can Geordi swim with that visor? > Geordi exited the lobby and > Marrissa began walking across the room to the West wing entrance. CROW: Which of course brings us to... Max Geldray! > Halfway to the arch way Lieutenants Crocker and Andrews > intercepted her. "Are you Lieutenant Picard?" Crocker asked. > "Gentlemen, I'm trying to avoid the media," Marrissa responded. > "Don't blow my cover. TOM: Well, that whole "assumed name" thing didn't last too long. MIKE: Couldn't she have just said "no, I'm not"? > By the way, who are you?" > "I'm Lieutenant Phillip Andrews of the Baltimore. This is > Lieutenant Chris Crocker of the same." CROW: The USS Same? That's a lousy name for a starship. > "Phillip Andrews, I had a Captain by that name under my command > at Naklab," Marrissa responded. "Any relation?" > "He's my father," Andrews replied. > "Oh really," Marrissa commented. MIKE: Like the doings of you ordinary mortals really interest me. > "Gentlemen, if you will excuse me I have to change. See you later." TOM: I have to go find some *interesting* people. > Marrissa entered the west wing. > "I told you she was Marrissa Picard," Crocker said. > "She never told us her name," Andrew replied. > "But what other young girl commanded your father?' Crocker > pointed out. CROW: Well, if you don't count Bunny down at the strip club... > "You do have a point," Andrews conceded. > > Data and Clara had arrived at the Daystorm institute. Clara was > already out of her Marrissa disguise. Reporters were all over the > place looking for Marrissa. "Do you think we should tell them?" Clara > asked. > "Wait awhile, I am finding this quite humorous," Data said with > a glint of laughter. MIKE: Data, your emotion chip needs some fine-tuning. TOM: See, even *he* can't take this story seriously. > "What do you think will happen when we tell them about the news > conference at Deep Space Nine?" Clara questioned. > "We will find out how may reporters can fit in a shuttle craft," > Data dead panned. Clara broke down laughing. > CROW: Repair crew to shuttle bay 3... MIKE: Boy, she's easily amused. > Commander Riker and a blond haired girl in a uniform with > lieutenant's pips arrived at Deep Space Nine. TOM: Oh, that Riker, he changes women as often as he changes his socks! > A press conference was set up on the Promenade. CROW: What a coincidence! We were going to hold a press conference, too! > As the girl made her way to the podium, Riker > pushed questioning reporters aside. MIKE: Hey, there's only three of us here! You don't have to push! > Standing behind the podium the girl began, "Ladies and > Gentlemen of the media, I suppose you want to ask me questions like : TOM: "Why the hell are you pretending to be Marrissa Picard?" > How does it feel to be Captain Picard's daughter? What is Captain Picard > like? CROW: ...when he's not liquored up. > and How did you pull off the Naklab Treaty?" MIKE: ...and slip into something more comfortable? > "I'd love to answer those questions," the girl said removing her > blond wig revealing her short brown hair. "but as you can see I'm not > Marrissa Picard." TOM: Ooh, it was Shayna all along! CROW: And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids! > A gasp and a wig when though the media. MIKE: Hey, Ratliff almost turned a good phrase. > "I am Shayna Sachs, TOM: ...and I am an alcoholic. > Marrissa's current Kid's crew chief engineer. When activated I CROW: ...wet myself and say "mommy". > hold the rank of acting-Lieutenant. MIKE: When in reality I simply can't act. > My job was to put you off Marrissa's scent > so she could use some of her two months accumulated leave time to get > away from the stress you were causing her." > "However, Marrissa has sent a recorded statement for you. > Copies will be made available later." TOM: ...for the low price of $19.95. Plase buy souveneirs in the lobby. > The Cardassian view screen came to life with the view of Marrissa > sitting behind a desk with a star field in the background. CROW: So it's a still-life. > "Welcome to Deep Space Nine, Ladies and Gentlemen," Marrissa > began. "I hope you have enjoyed your trip. MIKE: Remember to record your frequent flier miles. > As you have no doubt > discovered I am not at Deep Space Nine or the Daystorm Institute for > Engineering. TOM: And I'm not on Risa either. > I am taking a vacation in order to releave the stress > which you have caused since the Enterprise crashed." TOM: But don't look for me on Risa, because I'm not there. > "I will be granting interviews to at least two reporters upon my > return ... MIKE: Woodword and Bernstein. > if no report bothers me during my vacation. They will be > chosen by drawing names from a hat such as this one." Marrissa held up > Captain Picard's Dixon Hill hat. CROW: He won't need this where he's gone! Mwahahahahaaaa! > "Some reporters are barred from this > drawing due to their behavior on Starbase 151." MIKE: They will spend the week with their nose in a corner. > "Those are IPB's Peter Romanof TOM: Oh, I've had Peter Romanof in a nice mushroom sauce. > and WWB reporter Dig Kim who > chose to follow me into the Girl's Locker room. CROW: He used to work for Victor Kiam. > In addition FNN > report/co-anchor Carlos Velasquez, for breaking into my room. A warrant > has been issued for your arrest for breaking and entering, > tress-passing, MIKE: He was trading her hair? > and invasion of privacy. I do not appreciate waking up to > find some stranger at the foot of my bed. TOM: Unless it's Brad Pitt, of course. > "In order to answer some of your question my official report on > the Trakce attack on Dublin will be released to you with the permission > of Starfleet. End Recording > > MIKE: I can't believe I'm here trying to interview some stupid kid. CROW: Yeah, I wish I could cover some real news. > > > Chapter Three > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > On Risa, Marrissa was relaxing by the pool. Lieutenants Andrews > and Crocker were admiring her for the other side. ALL: CROW: Mike, this is wrong. MIKE: I know. TOM: They're leering at a 13-year-old girl! MIKE: I know! > "Too bad she is a Lieutenant," Andrews sighed. CROW: I could really go for some statutory rape. > "Too bad she is a Captain's daughter," Crocker responded. > "Too bad she is too young," Andrews said. TOM: Stop it! STOP IT!! MIKE: This is like fantasizing about your little sister. > At that Ensign Najib Fahim joined the Lieutenants admiring > Marrissa. CROW: Hi, token minority reporting for duty. > "What's this Phillip," he asked. "Some one is to young for you." MIKE: Guys, we're getting a dark, disturbing glimpse into Ratliff's mind. > "That girl over their," Andrews pointed out. "But she is > definitely off limits." > "Oh - finally someone the great Phillip Andrews won't touch," > Najib replied. "I will have to spread the word that he is losing his > touch." ALL: TOM: Come on, this isn't "Romeo and Juliet"! > "We know better," Crocker said. "You don't mess around with a > Captain's daughter." CROW: Are you implying that if she was anyone else's 13-year-old daughter, she'd be fair game? > "I'm not a scared little Lieutenant," Ensign Fahim said as he > began walking around the pool toward Marrissa. TOM: Ensign Buttafuoco springs into action! > "That's right you are an Ensign who was a Lieutenant before he > shot the Captain's wife out the torpedo bay," Andrews replied. MIKE: A demotion for murder one? What does it take to get kicked out of Starfleet?? CROW: Well, murder's okay, but they're really strict about neatness. > Najib > ignored the jibe and continued on. "Ten credits says he winds up in the > pool," Andrews bet. > "You're on," Crocker replied. TOM: They're betting on whether or not he can seduce a 13-year-old! > Najib approached the young Lieutenant Picard. After delivering > some pick up line Marrissa slapped him. ALL: YAY!! > He said something else and she stocked off. Najib pursued her. MIKE: Hit him harder this time! > As they neared the pool she stopped, > turned around, and shouted, "I hope you can swim." Marrissa then pushed > Najib into the pool. CROW: And for one brief shining moment, I admire her. > "Pay up Chris," Andrews said. > "When we get back to our quarters," Crocker replied. "Do you > think we should help Najib out?" > "Wait a minute, he got himself into it," Andrews responded. "He > can get himself out of the pool." > TOM: He baked his bread, let him swim in it... or something like that. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincerest apologies for that last scene. > Meanwhile back at Starbase 151, Captain Jean-Luc Picard was > visiting an old friend. CROW: An old friend by the name of "Jack Daniels". > "Welcome to the Stargazer, Captain Picard, > Doctor Crusher," Montgemrey Scott replied. TOM: No Star Trek character shall escape this fanfic unscathed! > "'bout time the Captain of record visited." > "Captain of record?" Picard asked. MIKE: Duke of Earl? > "You were the last commanding officer the Stargazer had," Scotty > said. "She's been in dock for the last five years waiting for someone > to decide what to do with her. Fortunately I picked her up as the first > ship to be converted to a fighter carrier in 80 years." CROW: Um... why? Is Scotty planning on waging his own little war or something? > "Just what does that entail?" Picard inquired. TOM: Booze. And lots of it. > "Expansion of Main Shuttle bay," Scotty began. "Upper and lower > warp pairs becoming detachable support vessels. Saucer underside > remodeling including new deflector disk and pass through shuttle bay with > floor/wall doors." MIKE: Why not just build a whole new ship instead? CROW: "This Old Ship," with Bob Vila. > "Sounds like a big job," Doctor Crusher commented. TOM: Could someone tell me what I'm doing in this scene? > "That it is lassie, that it is," Scotty said. MIKE: But I'll just get my assistant Al to do all the work. > "Then she will be out of service for quite some time," Picard > stated. > "Only a couple more years, and only six months of those will she > be unable to be called into service," Scotty replied. > "How much is done so far?" Picard asked. > "The structural reframing around the fighter bay, turbolift > reconfiguration and remodeled sick bay by Doctor McCoy," Scotty listed. TOM: Ooh, a sickbay designed by a crotchety 140-year-old doctor. CROW: I wonder how many prune juice dispensers and recliners there'll be. > "Let's see this new sick bay," Crusher requested. > "This way." MIKE: Dr. McCoy is the corpse in the second bed. > > Meanwhile Counselor Troi was on her way to Betazed. She had > hitched a ride on the Coral Sea. CROW: You sass that Deanna Troi? She's one hoopy frood. > The Coral Sea was a day out of the > Daystorm Institute for Engineering where the crew had partied with the > Sutherland's crew for Mardi Gras. ALL: Woo! Party!! > Unfortunately the Command Crews of > both ships had come down with food poisoning. TOM: Suddenly it's "Airplane"! > "Bridge to Counselor Troi." ALL: > "Troi here." > "Call from Starfleet Command for you." ALL: > "Patch it down here," Troi replied. > Admiral Necheyev appeared on screen. "Commander Troi," she > said. CROW: I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you. > "Admiral" > "You are aware of the situation on board the Coral Sea?" > Necheyev asked. MIKE: They're partyin' like it's 2399! > "Yes, the Command crew is down with food poisoning and unlikely > to recover this week," Troi responded. TOM: How do you get food poisoning from replicators, anyway? > "A young Lieutenant is in command and most of the crew is nervous." CROW: Oh, only the high-ranking officers are allowed to party. > "Lieutenant Watson has asked to be relieved," Admiral Necheyev > stated. MIKE: He's been on the bridge without a bathroom break for two days now. > "I have seen fit to grant his request. Commander Troi, you are > hereby field promoted to Captain and assigned the command of the Coral > Sea until such time as her regular commanding officer is medically fit > for command." ALL: TOM: Captain Troi? Isn't that like saying President Quayle? > "But, I'm a ship's Counselor," Troi protested. CROW: Well, I guess if a PMSing preteen can command a starship, so can you. > "Trust me you are admiralablily suited for the Coral Sea's > mission," Necheyev said. MIKE: Oh, now I'm an admiral too? > "Which is?" TOM: Look hot and discover the obvious. > "After arriving at Betazed," Necheyev began. "You will depart > at Ambassador Troi's conveinance on coarse to Deep Space Nine. > Delivering her in time for the trade conference." CROW: Like we said, *no* character shall escape unscathed! > > Jay Gordon was in the middle of a three hour training session for > the Independence's Kid's Crew when sick bay called. MIKE: Oh great, the Kids' Crew is franchising. > "Doctor Anderson to Jay Gordon." TOM: AN-derson, that's me! > "Jay here." > "The Away Team has brought up a virus which is rapidly > spreading," the Doctor said. CROW: They should start wearing condoms on those away missions. MIKE: Actually, it's not a virus, just an acute reaction to this fanfic. > "You Kid's crew has been isolated since > they returned. Please remain so. You can beam directly to the Battle > Bridge and take command. The Captain has logged the appropriate orders." TOM: Stephen Ratliff, master of the plot convenience. > "Are you sure the virus isn't floating around there?" Jay > asked. CROW: Certain. It's hermetically sealed from the background plot. > "The Battle Bridge and the attached barracks and ready room have > an independent Envornmental System," the Doctor replied. "No one has been > in either area in weeks." MIKE: I guess they decided drills and maintenance were too much of a bother. > "Keep me informed, Jay Gordon out." TOM: Anyone else smell a conspiracy here? > > > > Chapter Four > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > After pushing Ensign Fahim into the pool because of his indecent > proposals. CROW: ...Marrissa decided not to speak in complete sentences. > Marrissa (a.k.a. Amber Flores) Picard spied Geordi La Forge > And joined him. TOM: Okay folks, just in case you forgot, Marrissa is using the name AMBER FLORES. Now back to the show. > "What did you do that for?" Geordi asked. > "he though that he could get some where with me," Marrissa > said. "So I arranged for him to cool off." MIKE: Hey, she could be an action hero with wisecracks like that. > At that moment a purple transporter beam enveloped Marrissa. TOM: D'oh! CROW: That'll happen. > After she disappeared Geordi sprung into action MIKE: Spring-action LaForge with kung-fu grip! > as Lieutenants Andrews > and Crocker approached, "Lieutenant Commander La Forge to Risan Space > Control," he said after tapping his communicator. > "Risan control here." CROW: Bureau 13 awaiting orders. > "There has been an unauthorized transport of my charge from the > Risan Hotel pool area," Geordi stated. "Where did she go?" > "Sensor logs indicate she was beamed aboard ... oh my God," the > Risan Space controller said. TOM: That would be NCC-0001. > "A Trakce ship has her and she's leaving the system -- fast." MIKE: Great god almighty, we're free at last! > Lieutenant Andrews and Crocker reached LaForge. "Commander > LaForge, the Polaris is in orbit, perhaps she can catch the Trakce > ship," Andrews said. > "Risan Space Control, clear the Polaris for immediate > departure," La Forge ordered. "LaForge out. LaForge to Polaris, three > to beam up." CROW: Okay, but who the hell are you? > > Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, Lieutenant Phillip Andrews > and Lieutenant Chris Crocker matterailized in the transporter room of the > Intrepid class starship Polaris. TOM: So, they're lieutenants, I guess. MIKE: Pretty much. > "Computer, who is the senior officer aboard?" > "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge." MIKE: The regular command crew must have fallen down a plot hole. > "Who is in Command? > "Lieutenant junior grade Ace Perry acting Chief Engineer." CROW: You were never Ace. Ace-hole maybe, but never Ace. > "Note in Log, Emergency transfer of Command, under Reg 201," > Geordi ordered. "Reason hot pursuit of Kidnapers of Star fleet Officer. TOM: Well, I wouldn't exactly say *hot* pursuit. > Lieutenant Crocker, get down to Engineering and bring this ship up to up > to Enterprise standards. I hope you haven't forgotten in the past two > years since you left." > "Aye, sir." CROW: I'll set up some plot contrivances right away, sir. MIKE: Does that mean yes, he has, or yes, he hasn't? > "Transfer of Command confirmed," the Computer said as Geordi and > Lieutenant Andrews entered the turbolift. > "Phillip are you still the second best pilot in Star fleet?" > Geordi asked. TOM: Um, no, that's just a pick-up line I use, sir. > "Bridge." > "No, Paris is back in Star fleet MIKE: A Voyager reference! By my count, Ratliff has now used every single Star Trek show in this fanfic! > and some young Lieutenant beat > my ratings last month," Phillip Andrews replied. CROW: But I'm still leading in the syndicated markets! > "And I don't think anyone is going to beat Commander Riker any time soon. TOM: Too bad Riker never actually does any piloting. > "That young Lieutenant, is it Marrissa Picard?" Geordi asked. > "Yes." > "I hope you aren't too eager to reenter the top three," > Lieutenant Commander LaForge said as the Turbolift opened onto the > bridge. MIKE: Well, actually... > "Take CONN Lieutenant. Set an intercept course for the Trakce > vessel. I want you to overtake her as soon as possible." CROW: Tried that on the planet, sir. > > The Intrepid class vessel left orbit. Her warp Engines moved > into position and the Polaris went into warp." TOM: What's the point of having moving warp nacelles, anyway? MIKE: Well, it's like the sports cars with headlights that move up and down - it's not functional, but it looks neat. > "Tactical, distance to and speed of the Trakce vessel," LaForge > asked. > "1 million km, speed is warp 7 and increasing," the tactical > officer said. > "Our speed is warp 8 and increasing," Andrews informed. CROW: Oops, we just passed them. > "Go to Red Alert," LaForge ordered. TOM: By the way, hi, I'm your new commanding officer. > "Bridge to Engineering" > "Engineering, Crocker here." > "Give me everything we have, I want at least 9.98," LaForge > commanded. MIKE: But we don't *have* 9.98, sir. > "Aye sir" > "Status, Tactical." > "Distance, three light years, speed warp 9 still increasing" > "Our speed is now warp 9.5," Andrews supplied. > "They have passed warp 9.99" tactical announced. CROW: Sold American! > "We are steady at warp 9.98 and losing ground," Andrews > responded. TOM: We need to round off, and fast! > "Damn, open a channel to Captain Picard, at Star base 151," > LaForge commanded. MIKE: Ensign Damn? > > Meanwhile on the Stargazer, Captain Picard was looking around > his old bridge while Scotty and Doctor Crusher looked at the new > Sick bay. "Star base Communications to Captain Jean-Luc Picard." > "Picard here," he said, sitting down in his old command chair. CROW: ...and deciding that rattan wasn't really his style anymore. > "You have a priority one message from Lieutenant Commander > LaForge," the Star base informed. > "Patch it over to the Stargazer's main view screen," Picard > ordered. > Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge appeared on screen sitting > in the Captains Chair of a Intrepid class vessel. TOM: So, guys, what rank is LaForge again? ALL: LIEUTENANT COMMANDER. > "Captain, Marrissa > has been kidnapped by a Trakce vessel," he informed Marrissa's adopted > father. CROW: So, like, he'll care and stuff. > "I have borrowed the Polaris and I am in pursuit. MIKE: She owes me ten bucks. > However they are at warp 9.99 and we are at 9.98." TOM: I feel so inadequate. > "Anything I can do?" Picard asked. CROW: Yeah, break out the champagne and noisemakers. > "Actually yes, their coarse will take them within three light > years of you thought the Robinson Nebula," LaForge replied. TOM&CROW: JOEL!! MIKE: So *that's* where he's gotten to. > "If you could arrange a welcoming party ..." > "I think I can do that," Picard replied. TOM: Hors d'ouevres, party hats, confetti... it'll be fun! > "Keep me advised, Stargazer out. Picard to Scotty." > "Scotty here." CROW: Snot here, Captain. MIKE: What's not there? CROW: I said, Snot here, Captain! TOM: Acknowledgements to Bobby Pickett and Peter Ferrara. > "Can we take the Stargazer out?" Picard asked. "Someone just > kidnapped my daughter and will be passing within three years of here. MIKE: Oh, we've got plenty of time, then. CROW: She'll almost be legal in three years. > "Aye, sir, I've been needing to test structial stress under > warp," Scotty said. "And it is your command." TOM: Just have her back by nine. And no scratches! > "Thank you Admiral, send the Doctor to the Bridge," Picard said. > "Captain Picard to Lieutenant Lochard." > "Lochard here." > "Sorry to interrupt your double date with Ensign Henderson, but > I need a bridge crew for the Stargazer and you come highly recommended," > Picard said. CROW: I heard you have *great* brown-nosing skills! > "I will be right their as will Ensign Szustkowski, Ensign > Henderson, and Ensign Williams," Lochard replied. MIKE: He's the one who keeps waking us up with "Gooooood moooorning, Enterprise!" > "How did you know that I was on a date." TOM: I am Criswell! > "Adopting Marrissa has done wonders for my connection to the > rumor mill. CROW: She leads the Kids' Crew Spy Ring. Her agents are everywhere! > Picard out" > > > Chapter Five > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The Stargazer was waiting by the Robinson Nebula for the Trakce > and the Polaris. TOM: Joel! Help us, Joel! > "Mr. Lochard, time to Trakce arrival?" Captain Jean-Luc Picard inquired. CROW: Time for Trakce arrival? > "Three minutes, They are still on a direct coarse," Lieutenant > Ross Lochard said from tactical. > "Captain, how do you know that they are going to drop out of > warp here?" Ensign Katherine Szustakowski asked from CONN. > "Entering this nebula at warp speed causes a catastrophic warp > field failure," the Captain responded. MIKE: Ho hum, another space anomaly that doesn't obey the laws of physics. TOM: So *that's* what happens to the Voyager at the end of their intro! > "They will stop here, one way or another." CROW: It's the last chance for gas for 200 light years. > > Meanwhile on the Polaris, Geordi La Forge was looking for ways to > speed his command up. MIKE: The drugs just weren't working. > "What's the speed now, Phillip?" he asked. TOM: 20% pure, sir. > "Warp 9.982," CROW: ...or so. > Lieutenant Phillip Andrews responded. > "Engineering to Bridge." > "Bridge here," La Forge responded. > "Please check my readings," Lieutenant Chris Crocker asked. MIKE: Yes folks, he is *still* a lieutenant, just in case you were wondering. > "Power levels are warp 9.2 equivailant, but speed reads 9.982" TOM: Try flicking the dial - sometimes it gets stuck. > "Phillip?" La Forge asked. > "Readings confirmed," Andrews confirmed. > "Gentlemen, I think we have just found another warp asintote," > La Forge said. CROW: That's nice... what the hell are you talking about? > "Captain, the Trakce vessel is coming out of warp," Andrews > announced. MIKE: Oh, it figures, just when they find the warp asin-thingy. > > The bright yellow Trakce vessel stood out on the black > background of space opposite the Stargazer and the rainbow colored > Robinson Nebula. MIKE: Joel! Can you see us? Help! > "Open Hailing Frequencies," Picard ordered. > "Hailing Frequencies open," Lochard responded. TOM: ...and might I add that you look absolutely striking this morning? > "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship > Stargazer. You have my daughter. I would like her back." MIKE: Well, at least he's short and to the point. > The black face Trakce Ath Ressel appeared on screen. ALL: CROW: "Ath Ressel"? > "So we meet > again, Captain Picard," he said. "You seem to have gone down in the > galaxy. TOM: Thirty-seven times?! > Last time I met you had a larger ship. Now the tables are turned." > "I borrowed my old command. Are you returning my daughter?" > "No" MIKE: Not even a piece or two? > "That's to bad I was looking forward to seeing her again." TOM: Oh well, I give up. You can have her. > "You'll see her all-right ... in my brig," Ath Ressel concluded, > cutting the channel. CROW: Oh yeah, well, double dumb-ass on you! > "Captain, the Trakce vessel has raised shields and are charging > weapons," Lieutenant Lochard announced. MIKE: And I'd just like to say that you handled that beaut-- TOM: Shut up, Ross. > "Raise shields, ready phasers and photon torpedoes," Picard > ordered. "Target engines and weapons." CROW: Ours or theirs, sir? > "Incoming," Ross replied. "Shields up." > "Evasive." Picard commanded. > > Purple bolts shot out of the yellow Trakce ship toward the > Stargazer. The Stargazer neatly side stepped it. MIKE: Then did a quick plie'. > The Trakce vessel then > moved to go around the Stargazer and into the nebula. TOM: Damn! We didn't count on that! > > "Helm new coarse, 271 mark 3," Picard ordered. "Keep them out > of the Nebula. Mr Lochard fire phasers. > > The Stargazer and the Trakce ship paralleled each other and the > nebula, the Stargazer slightly ahead. The Stargazer continued to pound > the Trakce vessel. Then the Intrepid class starship Polaris came out of > warp on the opposite side of the Trakce ship from the Stargazer. > Withering under the cross fire from the two Starfleet vessels the Trakce > vessel slowed. MIKE: What happened to not firing on a ship in case the prisoner got hurt? TOM: Since it's Marrissa, I don't really care. > Backing out of the cross fire it turned across the rear > of the Stargazer, and executing a final run fled into the Nebula. > CROW: That wasn't much of a fight. MIKE: Hey, by Ratliff standards, that was a friggin' John Woo film. > "Damn," Captain Picard said. TOM: No way we can follow them in there. > "Mr. Lochard, nearest vessels on the other side of the Nebula." CROW: Mr. Lochard, all other vessels in the story. > "The Independence and the Coral Sea are passing though the > area," Ross Lochard said. MIKE: Gosh, what a *coincidence* that Jay and Troi were just put in command of those two very ships! > "The Sutherland is stationed at the Daystorm > Institute for Engineering on the coarse they were flying before." CROW: Must have been pretty *rough*. Hee hee... > "Contact the Independence," Picard commanded. > "Independence responding." > "On screen." > Jay Gordon appeared on the main view screen on the battle bridge > of the Independence. "This is acting-Captain Jay Gordon TOM: ...Liddy. > of the Independence, how may I help you Captain Picard." MIKE: Yeah, you can get your acting-ass off of that bridge! > "Jay, a Trakce ship has kidnapped Marrissa," Picard replied. > "Be on the lookout. We have just lost them in the Robinson Nebula. TOM: Keep 'em there, Joel! > Why are you in command of the Independence?" CROW: Taking the long view, I'd blame Scooby-Doo. > "An away team brought a plague on board," Jay answered. "The > Kid's Crew was isolated, so I got my first command." MIKE: Everyone else is watching their internal organs dissolve. It's really cool! > "Congratulations," Picard said. "I am sending all my > information. Inform the Stargazer, the Polaris, the Sutherland, and the > Coral Sea if you spot them. Stargazer out. Open a channel to the Coral > Sea." > "Coral Sea responding," Lochard replied. > "On screen." > Counselor Troi appeared on the view screen in a red uniform with > four pips. CROW: Gladys Knight is gonna be pissed! > "Starship Coral Sea, Captain Deanna Troi commanding," she said. > "You are in command of the Coral Sea?" Picard said in disbelief. TOM: But you're dumber than a bag of nails! MIKE: Much more of this and Picard is gonna quit. > "Admiral Necheyev thought I'd be a perfect CO for this mission > when the command crew of the Coral Sea came down with food poisoning," > Troi replied. > "Which is?" CROW: What happens when you eat food contaminated with bacteria, but that's not important right now. > "I am transporting my Mother to Deep Space Nine," Troi > responded. TOM: Berman decided to do another crossover episode. > "Back to why I called you," Picard said quickly. "The Trakce > have kidnapped my daughter. The Polaris and myself on the Stargazer > chased them down but lost them in the Robinson Nebula." > "And you want us to be on the look out for them," Troi > completed. MIKE: No, I want you to go away. You'll only screw things up. > "Yes, if you find them, keep up with them and inform the > Stargazer, the Polaris, the Independence, and the Sutherland," Picard > asked. CROW: Donald or Kiefer? > "The Sutherland may not have a crew," Troi said. "They where at > the same banquet as the command crew of the Coral Sea." > "Thank you, Stargazer out." > As the channel closed, Scotty entered the bridge. TOM: Any use for me this chapter, Captain? > "Mr. Lochard get me Lieutenant Commander Data at the Daystorm > Institute for Engineering," Picard asked. TOM: Okay, I'll just stand over here and be Scottish, then. > "Lieutenant Commander Data on screen," Lochard replied. Data > was sitting in a room full of late twenty-th century computers. Data was > examining a Commodore 64. CROW: Daddy!! > Behind him, Clara Sutter was sitting in front of a Apple IIgs. MIKE: ...playing "Wasteland". > "Data here." > "Data, is the Sutherland still at the Daystorm Institute?" > "Yes, Captain. However the Sutherland is currently lacking a > command staff due to food poisoning," Data replied. > "Data, I want you to talk command of the Sutherland," Picard > ordered. TOM: He wants him to give it lip service! > "A Trakce vessel has kidnapped Lieutenant Picard. We pursued > it but lost in it the Robinson Nebula. We believe it may be heading > your way." CROW: Great, we get to sit through this again. Hasn't he ever heard of conference calling? > "Captain, only an Admiral in Starfleet Science or Engineering > can assign me to command the Sutherland," Data objected. > From behind Captain Picard, Scotty spoke up, "Consider yourself > assigned. I never thought I'd have use for these Admiral's bars." MIKE: What with his chocolate allergy and all. > "Admiral, Captain, the Sutherland will be in service and under > my command within the hour," Data replied. > "Report any siting to the Stargazer, the Polaris, the > Independence, and the Coral Sea," Picard ordered. "Stargazer out." > TOM: And so are we! Let's go. [Mike picks up Tom and they all leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. Tom and Crow are sobbing and whimpering. Mike is trying to comfort them.] MIKE: Come on, you guys. Cheer up, it's only a fanfic. TOM: I can't! It's too horrible! CROW: We won't make it! I know it! MIKE: No, that's not true. It's the last book! We're almost done! And it can't possibly get any worse... [Suddenly Mike breaks down crying.] MIKE: Oh god, who am I kidding? This is the most depraved work Ratliff has ever done! This fanfic makes me feel like the time when I was nine and my weird cousin held me underwater for what seemed like an hour but was probably only a few minutes and my chest started hurting real bad and I couldn't breathe and I could feel the pressure on my skull and I was trashing around but he still wouldn't let me up and I could feel until I started seeing spots and he finally let me up and he thought it was funn-yyyyy... [Tom and Crow have recovered and now are trying to comfort Mike.] TOM: Aw, it's not the end of the world, Mike! CROW: Yeah, we'll just keep on riffing and eventually we'll get through it! MIKE: No! Ratliff has scarred me for life! TOM: Mike, you've been a pillar of strength throughout this fanfic. Don't give up now! [Mike does not respond. Tom and Crow look at each other.] CROW: Okay, we were hoping we wouldn't need this, but we made something just in case you snapped. MIKE: What? TOM: Reach underneath the counter there... [Mike reaches underneath the counter and pulls out a doll. The doll has blond hair and is wearing a red Starfleet uniform.] MIKE: What's this? CROW: It's a Marrissa doll. MIKE: Aaaagh!! [Mike drops the doll and backs away, staring at it like a timid animal.] TOM: No, no, Mike, it's okay! CROW: Just pretend like it's a voodoo doll of Marrissa. [Mike walks back up to the counter and picks up the doll.] MIKE: A voodoo doll? TOM: Yeah! Anything you do to that doll happens to Marrissa in real life! [Apprehensively, Mike gives the doll and few jabs to the body. He smiles. Then he pinches the doll's head and starts talking like that guy on "Kids in the Hall".] MIKE: I'm squishing your head! Squish! Squish! CROW: Starting to feel better, Mike? MIKE: A little bit. Hey, watch this! [Mike bites the head off of the Marrissa doll. As he spits out the head, red "blood" spurts out of the doll's neck. Tom and Crow cheer him on.] MIKE: Oh, wow! Real blood and everything! TOM: Hey, Mike, try that stuff over there! MIKE: Huh? Oh, this stuff? [Mike reaches off-screen and gets a container marked "Liquid Nitrogen". He dips doll's legs into the container while Tom and Crow giggle in anticipation. Then Mike slams the doll onto the counter. The doll's lower half shatters into a million pieces. Everyone cheers. Then the cheers and laughs die down.] TOM: Oh, for fun. MIKE: So what else can we do to this thing? [Lights and buzzers go off.] MIKE: It's gonna have to wait, cause WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! 6...5...4...3...2...1...*... [They enter the theater.] MIKE: See ya later, Marrissa! [Mike throws the headless, legless doll across the theater.] MIKE: I have to thank you guys. That was very theraputic. CROW: Null problemo, amigo! > > Chapter Six > ~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Lieutenant Commander Data and Clara Sutter arrived on the > Bridge of the Sutherland. Data wore the class C command uniform and > Clara wore the same with her ensign's pip. > "Miss Sutter, I need a first officer," Data said. "I would like > you in that position." > "Why?" Clara asked. TOM: Good question. > "You are currently listed as the Enterprise's Kid's Crew first > officer," Data said. "you have command experience. You have a 17n > minute 29.271735 second Kobayashi Maru time ..." MIKE: Which is apprently all they grade on. CROW: I'm pretty sure Data would round off more than that. > "All-right, All-right, I'll take the job," Clara interrupted. TOM: Jeez, *force* promotion down my throat! Guy! > "Then take your station Lieutenant," Data ordered. > Clara moved toward the first officer's seat. Suddenly realizing > what Data said, she swirled around. Her long hair coming around her > face. "What do you mean Lieutenant?" she asked. MIKE: You know, that *word* that Ratliff keeps using over and over and over? > "I forgot to tell you?" Data replied. "Most shocking, I must > remember to run a full diagnostic. The position comes with the rank of > at least full Lieutenant." > "You mean I out rank Marrissa as long as I have this position," > Clara said. "I'm going to enjoy this when we catch up with Marrissa. > I've never out ranked her before." CROW: I finally get to put that snooty bitch in her place! > "Hopefully, you will be able to enjoy it," Data said. > "Data, I have yet to find anything that Marrissa hasn't been > able to turn to her advantage," Clara replied. TOM: She's scary that way. > "Then let us begin,' Data responded. "Clara." > "Tactical, full scan for Trakce warp signatures," Clara ordered. > > Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Cobopol, MIKE: ...whose software was some 300 years out of date... > Marrissa was needling information from her captors. CROW: You'd think that would be the other way around. > "You mean you captured me to use as a puppet governor," Marrissa laughed. TOM: That's the stupidest plot device I've ever heard! > "You sure got the wrong girl." > "Do not be so sure," the Trakce with yellow and orange ribbons > in her hair said. "How does your father disapline you?" MIKE: With spelling flames. > "Lieutenant junior grade Marrissa Amber Picard. serial number > SPE-70-HU-1125-0893-9666," Marrissa replied. CROW: ...25-0893-9... 666?! AAAHH! SHE'S EVIL!! > "How do you become Captain of a ship like this?" TOM: Practice, man, practice. > "Any one who has defeated the Captain can relieve him," the > Trakce replied. TOM&CROW: MIKE: Plot point! Plot point! > "Any particular way?" Marrissa asked. CROW: Well, usually you try to aim him towards the toilet, and... d'oh! > "No, he just has to conseed defeat." > "Thank you. Now what else do you want to know?" > "What position does your father hold?" > "He is between jobs." TOM: Oh, he's a bum, eh? > "What was his last job?" MIKE: Alien social workers, in action! > "Lieutenant Marrissa Amber Picard ..." > > Back on the Sutherland, the scans for a Trakce ship was > progressing. "Tactical, status of search?" Clara asked, pacing. > "No sign of them yet," the tactical officer said. CROW: Like I'd keep it a secret. > "Lieutenant, sit down, you are wearing a rut in the carpet," > Data asked. TOM: Take it off, you look rediculous. > "Sorry, I'm not use to the wait," Clara said sitting down. > "I've always had something to do on duty." MIKE: Hey, maybe Data's smarter than we gave him credit for! By promoting Clara to First Officer - the Starfleet equivalent of Vice President - she can't possibly screw anything up! > "Captain, now detecting Trakce warp signature," tactical > announced. "1 mark 3 distance 8 parsecs and closing at warp 9.99." > "Heading?" Data asked. > "They are heading towards us," tactical said. "They miss the > outer limits of the solar system by 3 point one AUs." CROW: Do not adjust your television... > "CONN set a course for intercept," Clara ordered. "Warp 9.82 > once we clear the solar system ..." > "Lieutenant, we can only hold that speed for 10 seconds," the > engineer responded. > "Check my paper on integral warp factors," Clara said. "This > vessel can go warp 9.995 for that long we can hold warp 9.991 for 24 > hours." TOM: Amazing how Starfleet's army of engineers never noticed that. > "Intreg, you have projected 3 more integral warp factors," > Data said. CROW: Is "Intreg" a character, a ship, or an algorithm? MIKE: I think it's a physical manifestation of Ratliff's science phobia. > "Contact the Independence and tell them to close in on the > Trakce and rendezvous with us in one minute. Inform the rest that we are > about to engage the Trakce." TOM: We'll be June brides! > > On the Independence, acting-Captain Jay Gordon was reading the > Sutherland's message, "Message to Sutherland, I can meet you at the > appointed time. However I can't meet the Trakce's warp 9.99" CROW: Too rich for my blood. > "Message sent," Jay's tactical officer, Sibik said. After a > moment he continued," The Sutherland's first officer is requesting > visual contact." MIKE: Just a second, let me put some clothes on. > "On screen,' Jay replied. > Clara Sutter appeared on the view screen. "Hi, Jay," She said. TOM: Can you come over and play? > "What's this about not being able to match the Trakce's warp 9.99" > "Clara you should know that a Galaxy Class starship maximum > speed is warp 9.984 for ten seconds," jay replied. "After all you were > acting chief engineer on one." CROW: Yeah, but it doesn't mean she knows what she's doing. > "I delivered a paperbound copy of the magazine that publishes my > first article," Clara said, "and you don't even read it. Amazing. MIKE: It was in Playgirl, for chrissakes. > Jay > when you reach warp 9.982, power levels drop off to the same as warp 9.2 > Therefore you have a maximum speed of warp 9.997 for ten seconds, > theoretically." TOM: She's invented the Infinite Bullshit Drive! MIKE: Tom... TOM: Sorry. > "OK, but if we burn out the warp core, it's your fault," Jay > replied. > "that's extremely unlikely. CROW: I'm *never* wrong. > Sutherland out." > "On the USS Coral Sea, Counselor Deanna Troi was talking to her > mother, "Mother, Will and I are just friends," Deanna said. "Worf and > myself, that's a different story." MIKE: We go at it like rabbits! > "You and Mr Woof?" Laxwanna asked. TOM: You know, that's not even funny when she says it on the actual show. > "Bridge to Captain Troi." > "Troi, go ahead." > "Message from the Sutherland, Captain." > "Pipe it down to my quarters," Deanna said. > "Why is everyone calling you Captain, Little One," Laxwanna > thought. > "I'm the commanding officer on this vessel, not ship's > counselor, Mother," Deanna said. "If their ever was a good time to stop > calling me Little One, now is it." CROW: Now it's *Captain* Little One to you. > Then Clara finally appeared on screen. "Captain, you better > work on your crew, I reached Engineering, Sick bay, and Crew Mess before > getting though to you," She said. "Not even the youngest member of the > Kid's crew is that bad." MIKE: At least Troi's crew doesn't wet the bed, Lt. Princess. > "I'll arrange some training," Deanna said. > "We need you to continue on your present course but increase to > warp 9.99," Clara informed. "We are about to intercept the Trakce ship. > Hopefully with the combined might of a Nuebla, CROW: Ooh, that ship has a creamy nuebla center! > a Galaxy class, and a Excelsior class, we can retrieve Marrissa." MIKE: Now the only question is, do we *want* to retrieve Marrissa. > "Since warp 9.99 is advised, I assume that your article has been > confirmed," Deanna inquired. TOM: Um, yeah, that's it, it's been confirmed. That's the ticket. > "As of a minute ago," Clara said. CROW: ...by me. > "How is it that Data and a > person that I personally gave a copy hadn't read it but you have?" > "I find it advisable to keep up with the latest theories of the > person who keeps making Engineering fill up my schedule," Deanna Troi > replied. MIKE: I liked it. Best work of fiction I've read in a long time! > "Coral Sea out. Troi to Bridge. increase speed to warp 9.99, > Red Alert, Battle stations > > > Chapter Seven > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Clara returned from the Sutherland's ready room and said, TOM: "Aahh, that fiber really works wonders." > "All ships have been informed. The Coral Sea and the Independence are on > coarse. > "Excellent, time to intercept tactical?" Data replied. > "Fifteen seconds.' > "All hands to Battle stations, RED ALERT," Clara ordered. CROW: We're still 16 seconds from battle, yellow alert is okay. > "Open a channel to the Trakce vessel," Data commanded. MIKE: Excuse me, I'm trying to command here? > "Channel open." > "Trakce vessel, this is the Federation Starship Sutherland, > please return Lieutenant Picard at once or we will be forced to open > fire. TOM: All Starfleet officers are graduates of the ATF School of Hostage Negotiation! > "Take your best shot," was the Trakce's reply coupled with a > brace of torpedoes. The Sutherland shock. CROW: That was when Julia Roberts left him, right? > "Return fire," Clara ordered in the traditional first officer > manner MIKE: With her feet apart, head tilted forward, and face bearded? > The Sutherland and the Trakce ship began to exchange volleys > while traveling side by side at warp 9.99 . CROW: Woo! Highway tennis! TOM: You know, I'm pretty sure that's against the laws of physics. > > Meanwhile on the Independence, Jay was preparing for his entry > into the fray. "Has engineering been decontaminated?" he asked. MIKE: Okay, who booted? > "Yes," his chief engineer, Tira Nomel replied. CROW: Miss Lemon, please check the warp core. The little grey cells say there is something wrong with it. > "Take your team down there and prepare for battle," Jay ordered. TOM: It's time to kill the regular chief engineer. > "Time to intercept?" > "Thirty Seconds," Sibek responded. > "All hands to battle stations, RED ALERT," Jay commanded. MIKE: Thrill to 230 different commanders ordering red alerts! > > When the Independence arrived on the port-side of the battle, the > Sutherland and the Trakce vessel were letting each other have it. CROW: Oh, that's nice of them. > The Galaxy class vessel pulled up beside the Trakce vessel and opened fire. > The Trakce vessel flinched to the starboard as phasers and photon > torpedoes impacted there shields. TOM: You flinched! I get to hit you on the arm! MIKE: Let's face it. If a word has two spellings, Ratliff will pick the wrong one. > > "Continue to parallel the Trakce ship, Robert," Jay said. CROW: Now J.R. Dobbs is on board! > "Sibek, watch your targeting, we just want to disable them." > > On board the Coral Sea, Commander Deanna Troi was preparing for > battle. TOM: I just have enough time to put on my lipstick and mascara! > "Intercept time, Tactical?" she requested. > "Ninety seconds," tactical returned. MIKE: ...deleting its automatic variables. > "Be ready to fire," Troi said. "They will be coming up to the > aft, port-side." > "Captain, we might be able to travel backwards, allowing us to > bring more weapons to bare," the CONN Officer suggested. CROW: Hey, this is a family show! > "Engineering, would traveling backwards effect our speed?" Troi > asked. TOM: No, but that beeping is as annoying as hell. > "Not after the initial turn," the Engineer replied. MIKE: Here it is in the fanfic writers' guide: "Ask a stupid question, lose a turn." > "Make the turn, CONN," Troi ordered. > The Coral Sea's warp engines dipped as it's saucer rose. CROW: Its mother slapped it and told it to stop drinking out of the saucer. > The Excelsior Class Starship continued until it was facing backwards up > side down. TOM: Define upside-down, in deep space. MIKE: And now the USS Coral Sea will present Ratliff's cognitive skills through interpretive dance. > Righting itself, it resumed full speed as the battle came in > front of the ship instead of the rear. CROW: Whoops! We've got to be on the exact same plane as the other ship! It's a cardinal rule of Star Trek! > The Coral Sea joined the fire storm TOM: Hey hey, burned away in the night on fire and the sunless day... > and the Trakce vessel's turn became more pronounced/ > Suddenly two shots from the Trakce ship pierced the > Sutherland and Independence's shields. A globe-like object attached > itself to the Sutherland's hull near the warp core ejection plate and > another did likewise outside the Independence. MIKE: It's a bug-hunt, man. > > "Power drain from the warp core," Clara announced. "We are > losing speed." CROW: I guess I was wrong, after all. > > On the Independence, Jay's helmsman, Robert Yamoto announced, "We > are losing speed." TOM: Ensign Ethnic to the rescue! > "Bridge to Engineering," Jay said. "Tira, what is going on down > there?" MIKE: Spin the Bottle, sir. > "We are losing power," Tira replied. "I', attempting to track > it down now ... SHIT! CROW: Piles of it, dead ahead! > Drop out of warp now." > "We are fighting a battle, Tira," Jay replied. "I need a > reason." > "The power drain is being caused by a device on our hull and it > looks like it is building up towards exploding, right below anti-matter > storage," Tira responded. "I have to shut down the core." > "Robert take us out of warp," Jay commanded. "Karla inform our > fellow Starfleet vessels." > "Already done," Karla replied. TOM: How *dare* you usurp my command! > > The Sutherland and the Independence left the Coral Sea to fight > alone. Though the stars the Trakce ship and the Coral Sea fought, > speeding along at warp 9.99 . MIKE: So... the two ships are still fighting, then? CROW: It's the text equivalent of one of those filler shots. > > Meanwhile in Klingon Space, TOM: ...another fantastic coincidence was about to occur. > Worf was testing a prototype for the > Klingon Imperial Navy. One and a quarter the length of a Galaxy Class > Starship, this vessel boasted better weapons than mot other ships. MIKE: It had twin Super Soaker Cannons! > In fact in the Alpha Quadrant only the Defiant was had better. CROW: The Defiant's been had! > "Father, this Operations console needs serious work," Alexander, > son of Worf said. > "That is my opinion as well," Worf replied. > "If this was my ship, I'd be ripping out this Console and the > Engineering station and replacing them with Federation Models," > Alexander said. TOM: And then I'd crash it into the sun! It'd be so cool! > Just as Alexander completed that sentence the bridge > doors opened and several Klingons entered carrying boxes of various > sizes. MIKE: Letters from the children! This proves that Santa exists! > "You can start with the operations console, now," Worf ordered. > The Klingons ripped out the console and some of the surrounding area. CROW: Hey, that unscrews, you know! > "What model?" Alexander asked. > "Intrepid one B," Worf replied. TOM: Isn't that a rap group? > "Incoming call from a Federation Starship, the USS Coral Sea," > the communications officer said. "Captain Deanna Troi commanding." > "On Screen." MIKE: In Stereo. CROW: Closed Captioned. TOM: Prerecorded Before a Live Audience. > Deanna Troi appeared on the screen. "Worf, I'm trying to > disable a Trakce ship which has kidnapped the Captains daughter. We are > heading at warp 9.99 toward your location." MIKE: Jeez, in every other Trek story there's not another ship in the whole quadrant! > "I will meet you as soon as the Trakce enter Klingon Space," > Worf said. CROW: And as soon as we can get our ops console put back in. > "We will then direct them towards the most powerful warship > in the Quadrant." > "I'll arrange for everyone to meet us there," Troi responded. > "Everyone?" TOM: I was hoping it would just be the two of us, snugglebunny. > "Captain Picard in command of the Stargazer; LaForge, the > Polaris; Jay Gordon, the Independence; and Data, the Sutherland." > "Large fleet, who is in command?" MIKE: What did you call me? > "Admiral Scott on paper. CROW: He isn't housebroken yet. > Captain Picard in reality." TOM: Shari Belafonte in Beyond Reality. > "Thank you, inform the Captain that I look forward to meeting > him at Deep Space Nine." > "You are awful sure of yourself, Worf" MIKE: Strong enough for a Klingon... but made for a Romulan. > "As always." CROW: It's the testosterone poisoning. > > > Chapter Eight > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Commander Riker and Commander Sisko were chatting in Commander > Sisko's office on Deep Space Nine. TOM: And in yet *another* unrelated story... > "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said. ALL: EWWW!!!!!! MIKE: Captain Gym Z. Quirk? > "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker > replied. CROW: I tell you, he'll never look at another man again. > "Ops to Commanders Riker and Sisko." > "Sisko here." > "Message from Captain Picard for both of you," Kira's voice > replied. > "Pipe it in here, Major." ALL: > Captain Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen from the bridge of > the Stargazer. "Commander Sisko, you are about to have a lot of > visitors," he said. TOM: The Dead are coming for a concert. > "Why?" Sisko asked. "and more importantly how many?" MIKE: I need to know how many placesettings to put out. > "The Trakce have made another appearance and this time they have > made off with my daughter," Picard replied. CROW: And I told them to be home by ten, dammit! > "Chase was given by several > starships, losing them once. Currently the Coral Sea under Captain > Deanna Troi and the IKV Kempec under Lieutenant Commander Worf are > driving them toward you. TOM: Yee-ha! Get along, little Trakce! CROW: So Deep Space 9 is really close to Klingon territory? MIKE: As someone said on Usenet, there's a fine line between suspension of disbelief and hanging your disbelief by the neck until dead, dead, dead. > The other ships chasing Marrissa's Kidnapers > will be meeting up with them there.: TOM: This is like "Cannonball Run"... except maybe a little better. > "Which ships?" Sisko asked. > "Under whose command?" Riker added. ALL: AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! CROW: Jeez, didn't you read the last chapter? > "The Stargazer under myself; the Polaris, Lieutenant Commander > Geordi LaForge; the Sutherland, Lieutenant Commander Data; and the > Independence under Jay Gordon." MIKE: Thank you, Captain Exposition. > "It's not even a month after the Enterprise was declared a lose > and already Enterprise alumni have command of six starships," Riker > smiled. TOM: Our evil plan of galactic domination appears to be working! > "Who is this Jay Gordon?" Sisko asked. > "he use to be Marrissa's first officer on the Kid's crew," > Picard replied. "He is an excellent commander for his age. But then > all of Marrissa's crew are excellent officers for their age. He has a > 18 minute Kobayshi Maru time." > "Eighteen minutes," Sisko exclaimed. > "Marrissa holds the record at 21:14," Picard replied. CROW: Too bad nobody else in Starfleet actually times themselves. > "What are we going to do with this Trakce ship?" Sisko asked. MIKE: Follow it to the next plot point, I guess. > "Disable them and get my daughter back," Picard replied. "Hopefully, > begin surrounded by six starships and a space station will convince them > to surrender." TOM: The space station is going to join the chase? Uh oh, they're in trouble now! > "Seven starships, three runabouts and a space station, > Captain," Sisko corrected. "Plus what ever Bajor wants to send." CROW: Wait, make that 7 starships, 3 runabouts, a space station, and a giant negated-space turkey of infinite power. No, no, *eight*... look, I'll come in again. > "Thank you Commander, Stargazer out." > "Commander Riker, take the Defiant out," Sisko said. "Oh and > Commander I want her back when your done." MIKE: Have her back by midnight, and remember to use protection! > > Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Marrissa was enjoying the shaking > and shuttering it was suffering. ALL: > Her questioner was not. "It seems > that Ath Russel hasn't learnt anything in the past three years," she > said. "Too bad." TOM: So... when does the brutal interrogation begin? ALL: Torture! Torture! Torture! > The the intercom said, "Hej, bring the girl to the bridge." CROW: It it has quite a reverb. > "things aren't going well for you," Marrissa stated as they > entered the bridge from the attached interagation room. > On the bridge the view screen was split between two images. MIKE: It's a conference call! > The right one was the forward view of the backward traveling USS Coral Sea. TOM: It's the wackiest ship in Starfleet! > The left was the rear view which was the Klingon prototype Kempec. Both > were firing intensely. CROW: ...at each other. > "Current speed helm," Ath Russel inquired. MIKE: Hey, his name changed! He was Ath Ressel before! > "Warp 3 and deceasing," a Trakce with a yellow and a green > ribbon in his hair. "We are unable to alter coarse without serious harm > to our shields." TOM: Just take my word for it. > "You are in big trouble ," Marrissa interrupted. CROW: I'm gonna tell on you! > "but kidnapping a Starfleet Lieutenant is asking for it." > "Be silent," the Ath ordered. > "No," Marrissa replied. CROW: You can't make me! > "Do you challenge my authority, girl-rl," Ath Russel growled. > "I can't," Marrissa replied. > "Explain why?" Ath replied. MIKE: It's not the end of the chapter yet. > Marrissa smiled as the Helmsman interrupted, "They have forced us > out of warp." > The viewscreen switched to a circular view. showing every ship > surrounding them. TOM: When did they have CircleVision installed? CROW: When they were an attraction at SpaceDisney. > Directly ahead was the Excelsior class starship Coral > Sea. NCC-9397. Forty-five degrees to the starboard the Galaxy class > starship Independence stood weapons ready. Directly to starboard the > USS Stargazer, Constellation Class NCC-2893, readied for battle. Next > the Nebula Class starship Sutherland positioned itself in textbook > attack stance. MIKE: Its economics books were armed and ready for deployment. > Directly behind them the Klingon prototype vessel the > IKV Kempec stood ready. TOM: ...to blow the Sutherland out of existance. > Forty five degrees more around the USS Defiant > NX-74205 shimmered into view. Directly to port Deep Space Nine stood at > the ready. CROW: Well, as ready as a stationary object can be, anyway. > The final ship, the USS Polaris readied for battle half-way > between DS9 and the Coral Sea. MIKE: Their patterns indicate two-dimensional thinking. > "Helm, full stop," Ath Russel ordered. Above the Trakce vessel > three Starfleet Runabouts moved into place. Below six Bajor vessels did > likewise. TOM: If there's a battle, they'll all be killed in one colassal crossfire. > "Incoming message form the vessel directly to starboard," a > Trakce with a yellow and a blue ribbon announced. CROW: He took first at state, but only third at nationals. > "On screen." > Captain Picard appeared on the screen. "this is Captain Jean > Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Stargazer. I see you have > Lieutenant Marrissa Picard," he observed. "I'd appreciate if you'd send > her back." MIKE: You can keep the rest of her, though. > "Why should I?" > "Because you are not leaving until you do," Picard replied. TOM: Now you go straight to your room, young man. > "Then you better prepare to fight. Ready all weapons." CROW: He's outnumbered, what, 20 to 1? He's not too bright, is he? MIKE: The Trakce are just hopelessly inept as a species. > "Belay that order," Marrissa countermanded with authority. > "How dare you challenge my authority," Ath Russel said angerly. TOM: I'll show you authority - I'll end this chapter! > > > Chapter Nine > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ > The Tracke Captain stood angerly before Marrissa who still wore > her read and black swimming suit. MIKE: Hey, it's a Necronomicon swimsuit. > Ge was ready to seend Marrissa to meet her maker. CROW: Do it... do it... do the deed... > "How dare you," Ath Russel repeated. > "You asked me earlier why I couldn't challenge you," Marrissa > replied. "According to your own laws if you defeat someone they command > you. TOM: So... if you lose, you are put in command? MIKE: That would explain a lot, actually. CROW: For those of you playing along at home, she's got that ass-backwards. > It is the responsablity of the defeated to renew the confect." > "No girl has defeated me," Russel scowled. > "Think back three years," Marrissa said. "You tried to capture > a Federation shuttle from the USS Enterprise, the April. TOM: Has it really been three years since we started this fanfic? CROW: Seems like it. > It was forced down an a nearby plant. The Pilot and co-Pilot were killed. MIKE: Thus beginning Marrissa's wholesale slaughter of the Trakce species. > As the > oldest surving person I took command. You lead a team sown and tried to > capture me and my friends. You lost three crew members and retreated, > panic stricken." > Captain Picard then got into the act. "Remember this Ath?" he > asked. CROW: Then Picard dropped his pants and mooned him! > The viewsceen showed a Trakce shuttle exiting the planet's > atmostsphere. "You were so scared you left after I fired a couple shots > at you." The veiw continued as the Enterprise fired a couple of shots > and the Track ship retreated. "Seems to me that Marrissa has you under > her command." TOM: That just leaves Admiral Necheyev she hasn't commanded. > "If you arem't challenging mem I'd like that braclet of yours," > Marrissa said sweetly. MIKE: It would look great with my red dress and pumps. > This infurreated the Ath CROW: A Trakcen Warewolf in London! > and he rushed Marrissa. She side > stepped him and stuck out her foot. TOM: Whoops, should've seen *that* one coming... > The Ath tripped and fell knocking > his head on a nearby console. This left him dazed. MIKE: This isn't "Star Trek" so much as "Road Runner". > "You won't mind me taking this will you?" Marrissa mutted > removing the Trakce's bracelet. > "What is your command?" the helmsman asked of the young human > girl. > "Lower shields and prepare for my inspection party to beam > aboard," Marrissa ordered her new crew. CROW: And thus, any sparks of dramatic tension are quickly extinguished. > Turning to the viewscreen she > continued, "Dad, I see Lieutenant Lochard is aboard your ship. TOM: Yeah. Could you get him to stop kissing my feet? > Send him > over with what ever engineers you can spare who would like to admire an > alien craft." MIKE: ...and me. > "Consider it done," her father replied. "Anything else." > "Yes, bring me a uniform, I've been sitting in a wet swimming > suit for the past five hours," Marrissa said. CROW: It hasn't dried yet? She must be cold-blooded. > "Lieutenant Picard out. > Communications, request a docking port from Deep Space Nine." > > > Epilogue > ~~~~~~~~ ALL: TOM: Bring it on home, Ratliff! MIKE: Our long national nightmare is over! Well, almost... > After returning the Sutherland, the Polaris, and the Stargazer, CROW: ...and being court-martialed for starship theft... > and curing the crew of the Independence, TOM: ...with a wave of Marrissa's magic wand... > Starfleet sent a runabout to > take the former command crew of the Enterprise-D to their new ship. > "Did you find out what ship we are getting?" Riker asked Captain Picard. MIKE: They never tell me anything. > "We will probably get a garbage scowl after losing the > Enterprise," Geordi commented. > "Their are no garbage scowls currently in Starfleet," Data > replied. CROW: No, everybody's pretty damn perky, aren't they? > "Well, Captain?" Doctor Crusher asked after a moments silence. > "What ship are we getting?" TOM: I understand it's called the Andrea Doria. > "They just told me that our next mission is stellar survey of > Sector 515," Captain Picard said. MIKE: Then they told me to bring a spacesuit, and laughed. How odd! > "And that this runabout would take us > to our new ship. Then Admiral Necheyev sent me out while she talked to > Marrissa." CROW: I caught the word "tampons"... > "So, it's a new ship then," Troi responded. > "Not necessarily, Counselor," LaForge replied. "It may be a > refit. > "Now entering spacedock," Marrissa announced. > "Aren't you going to transfer control to Spacedock?" Riker > asked. > "No, unlike yourself I know which ship is ours," Marrissa > responded. TOM: Having a vast spy network has its advantages. > "You know and you are letting us guess," Geordi said as they > passed a Nebula class starship. MIKE: I love watching you squirm! > "Admiral Necheyev ordered me not to tell," Marrissa said > piloting around an Intrepid class starship. CROW: So this is how Stafleet Command gets their thrills. Whee. > "Plus I enjoy listening to speculation." TOM: And thinking I'm better than you. > "And their is no way you are going to tell us," LaForge asked. > "No, What do you think of this one?" Marrissa questioned > piloting around the rear of an Ambassador class starship. MIKE: Her butt's too big. > "38 percent chance," Data replied. CROW: Data, once and for all, SHUT UP! TOM: That's all he does in this fanfic: generate odds! MIKE: He'd be a hit in Vegas, at least. > "That so," Marrissa responded. She then banked hard to the port > It was now on coarse toward and Excelsior class starship. > "An Excelsior, we are going to get an Excelsior," Riker stated. TOM: Hey! This is the ending from "Star Trek IV"! MIKE: Ratliff couldn't come up with an ending on his own, so he ripped one off. CROW: Well, at least he chose to plagarize one of the *good* films. > Marrissa then altered her coarse just a little and they passed > between the port warp engine and the dorsal. TOM: She's possessed by the spirit of Catbert. > In was now on coarse to a > Galaxy class starship with a new style of warp engines. "May be not > then," Riker stated. MIKE: May be later. > They as they neared the main shuttlebay they noticed that the > name of the ship was covered with a large tarp. CROW: To protect it from the big storms in spacedock, I guess. > When they came with in > 25 meters of it, it began to be pulled into the main shuttlebay. As it > moved upwards the name Enterprise was revealed. MIKE: Everyone surprised by this? > "Ladies in gentlemen, we are home," Captain Picard said. TOM: I stole Shatner's line, and I'm proud of it! CROW: "Ladies in gentlemen"? Isn't that usually the other way around? MIKE: Crow! > As they landed in the shuttlebay Marrissa dead-panned, "How did > that starship get in the way?" The crew spun around to face her. Then > realizing that she was joking laughed. CROW: Then Riker finally got a good shot at her. > > Arriving on the bridge of the Enterprise NCC-1701-E, the crew > took in their stations and the Captain checked his ready room. "Number > One order replacement panels for my walls," Picard said after taking a > look at his office. TOM: Number Six, I want information. > "Aye sir," Riker responded. "What color is Starfleet trying > now?" > "Pea-green walls with gold funature," Picard said. MIKE: Starfleet shouldn't have hired Ray Charles to decorate their ships. > "Try to get some shade of blue panels and I will keep the funature. CROW: And maybe some pink curtains, with a nice floral design... > Data status of the crew?" TOM: Bored stiff, sir. > "All 429 people are on board," MIKE: That's a long way from 1400 on the old Enterprise. CROW: This crew is so inept, that's all Starfleet was willing to trust them with. > "Marrissa take us out, best possible speed," Picard ordered > "Aye, sir, 37 percent impulse," Marrissa replied. > > TOM: Not warp 9.999999999999999? MIKE: That's the best we can do until they give us the other warp nacelle. > > > > CROW: So is that it? Can we go? TOM: No, no, wait a second. > From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff) CROW: Damn! > Subject: Away From Home Final Message MIKE: He doesn't really mean the "final", does he? It's a cruel joke, isn't it? > Message-ID: > Organization: Radford University > X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] > Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 20:01:03 GMT > Lines: 71 > > Away From Home , Message from the Author TOM: In case you've been longing for more of his prose. > > Thank you for taking time to read my storyies once again. I > have enjoyed your comments on them and look forward to hearing from you > again. MIKE: He really is like Ed Wood - he doesn't have a *clue*! > If you have not told me what you think about my stories please > feel free ALL: IT STINKS! > to email me at either : > > sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu > or > sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu > > If you would like to read my stories and some how my final > repost of the semester missed you. CROW: ...then count your blessings, lucky reader. > They are in the following archive in > the following directory : > > ftp.cis.ksu.edu > in the > pub/alt.startrek.creative/story/TNG/Stephen_Ratliff > > They are also on the world wide web at this location : > > http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html > > Now for a note on the Stories them selves. TOM: I have been informed I will be burning in hell for all eternity for writing them. > Away From Home is a > three part story about the first three contacts of a new race MIKE: Three contacts? I guess they lost one and had to have it replaced. > and minor > menace known as the Trakce. The story also tells of how the Kid's crew > was formed, Marrissa's first Away Mission, and her vacation to avoid > the press after the Enterprise crashed, CROW: All that happened in such a... *long* time. > The first part is set after the > TNG episode "Imaganary Friend" and before any of my prevous stories. TOM: Even Asimov couldn't write good pre-quels. > The second part covers the peroid after Who Q? Where Q? intill the crash > of the Enterprise-D. Finally the third part covers the aftermath of > that crash. > As my fifth story it may require some reading of the other > stories. MIKE: You misspelled "encourage you to avoid like the plague". > For instance some people are still inquiring how Marrissa got her rank. CROW: She ate a lot of garlic. > That is explained in Cadet Cruise and her promotion to > Lieutenant Junior grade in Who Q? Where Q?. Another instance might be > the refence to Lt. Andrews of his father being under her command (see > Who Q? Where Q?) > > So here is the complete list of Marrissa stories : > > Enterprized TOM: Bad. > A Gul's Revenge TOM: Worse. > Cadet Cruise > Who Q? Where Q? TOM: Unknown. > Away From Home TOM: Too horrible to contemplate. > > Anne-Lise Pasch has also written an excellant story using the > Kid's Crew CROW: He's got *followers*? > in a projected future story, Genterations 2 (Generations > Ahead) which I heartly suggest you read. MIKE: So has she written it, or is it just projected? > In fact Anne if you are > reading this -- write a sequel if you need a way to do so email me. > it is availible in tha archive as well. (but not on my homepage) TOM: Thank god for small mercies. > > Please feel free to send me any comments, compliments, > complaints or conserns. CROW: Or conferments, connections, compartments, or combobulations. > > > ______ Stephen Ratliff > _-' . .`-_ > |/ / .. . ' .\ \| Radford Unversity Student > |/ / ..\ \| (Sophmore) > \|/ |: . ._|_ .. . | \|/ email: > \/ | _|_ .| . .: | \/ sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu > \ / |. | . . .| \ / (perfered) or > \||| . . . _|_ .|||/ sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu > \__| \ . :. .|. ./ |__/ > __| \_ . .. _/ |__ home address: > __| `-______-' |__ 5249 Lakeland Drive > -,____ ____,- Roanoke, Va 24018 MIKE: Let's hope for a repeat of the lost Colony. > ---' `--- > > > CROW: AND WE'RE DONE! ALL: YAY!!! MIKE: Let's get out of here while we still can! [Mike and the robots exit the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6...*... [SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. There is a stack of cardboard pieces on the counter.] ALL: MIKE: Wow, that one was pretty rough. CROW: Yep. Yet another Ratliff epic down the drain. TOM: It astounds me to think of how prolific this guy is, and he doesn't have a *clue* as to how much pain he's causing. MIKE: That's a good point, there, Tom. I mean, he's written five full Star Trek fanfics in only two years of college. CROW: And we haven't even *seen* "Cadet Cruise" or "Who Q, Where Q" yet! TOM: Shhhh!! CROW: Oh yeah. Sorry. MIKE: Anyway, assuming that Ratliff graduates on time... TOM: And considering the amount of work that goes into his fanfics, I'm sure he has plenty of time to study... MIKE: ...that means he'll have written 10 fanfics by the time he graduates. CROW: And that's assuming he doesn't do any graduate work! TOM: Ugh. That's too horrible to think about, Crow. MIKE: Anyway, it looks like we have a *lot* of Ratliff to look forward to. So I thought it might be a fun thought exercise to speculate on the future of Ratliff's characters. CROW: Um... why? MIKE: Well, I got these cards made and everything, so... CROW: Oh, all right. [Mike's cards all have a name written on them. He says the name as he flips up each card.] MIKE: Marrissa Picard. TOM: Like most child stars, Marrissa got burned out in the media spotlight. After achieving the rank of Grand Admiral at the tender age of 15, she turned to drugs and a life of crime. She once again became the center of attention as she took control of a fully-armed battleship and slaughtered an entire species of peaceful, fun-loving aliens because they were wearing colored ribbons in their hair. She was court-martialed and convicted, as the jury didn't buy her now-famous "PMS Defense." She disappeared for a time, only to reappear in the news years later by knocking over a liquor store on Starbase 121. MIKE: Clara Sutter. CROW: Clara went to Starfleet Academy, but was never quite able to escape the shadow of Marrissa Picard. She did well in the Engineering program and wrote several more scientific essays that were not taken seriously by the few people who read them. Her lone claim to fame was when she received the Wesley Crusher Award for being voted the nerdiest loser in her class. She is currently living alone and afraid, surrounded by her only friends, 23 cats named "Boo-Boo". MIKE: Shayna Sachs. TOM: Killed in Vietnam. Next? MIKE: Jay Gordon. CROW: After his largely unsuccessful stint as acting-Captain, Jay decided that Starfleet was not for him. He dropped out of the Kids Crew and joined an improvisational theater troupe called Fungus Amongus. He later went on to star in an off-Broadway version of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers," and found his greatest fame by playing Ben, the wacky chief of security, in the hit comedy "Warp Factors Ahead!" MIKE: Ensign Najib Fahim. TOM: After serving a two-year sentence for statutory rape, Fahim went on to unsuccessfully run for Federation office. He currently hosts his own radio talk show. MIKE: The entire Trakce race. CROW: The Trakce ended up being nothing more than a footnote in history, a race remembered for their astounding stupidity and complete ineptitude, after Romulans invaded their homeworld. While attempting to fight off the invaders, the Trakcen ships got confused when nobody could remember what color hair ribbons meant what, so nobody knew who was in command. The Romulans easily dispatched the Trakcen ships, and their race was completely wiped out. This is often remembered as the Battle of Duuuhhhh... [There is much giggling as Mike puts away his cards. The Mads' light begins flashing.] MIKE: Whoops, Dr. Forrester is calling. Hey, Dr. F, I guess that was the last Ratliff fanfic for a while, right? [D13. Forrester is close to the camera.] DR.F: Don't count on it, Chris Crocker! I've put my tendrils out on the Internet, and I *will* find the other Ratliff stories! The pain has only *begun* to begin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [The dorrbell rings. Forrester looks confused.] DR.F: Who could that be? [Forrester walks back to the vault door and opens it. A stream of little kids enter Deep 13. They are aged about 5 to 10, and are all wearing Starfleet uniforms. The kids begin chasing each other, playing with the lab equipment, shouting, laughing, and generally getting into everything in the way that kids do. Forrester looks aghast. He looks even more aghast as a blond-haired girl of about 13 years enters behind them. She is also wearing a Starfleet uniform.] MARRISSA: hi I'm Marrissa Picard. Bow down before me, inferoir person. DR.F: Now just wait a minute... MARRISSA: I wood like to infrom you. that your lab will now be run by my Kids' Crew. Do you have a prblem with that, stuped Adult? DR.F: But... but... [The door opens again, and this time there are reporters on the other side. The reporters' camera flash. Forrester begins slowly backing away from the door, moving towards us.] MARRISSA: Oh, how I hate the media. i can never get away from the. Okay, just a few picturres. [Marrissa begins posing for their cameras.] MARRISSA: Dont you just love me. Aren't I the most adorable thing youve ever seen? [Forrester almost backs into the camera. At the last second he turns around. His face is filled with fear.] DR.F: Help... me... [Forrester pushes the button.] \ | / \ | / ----*---- PWOOSH! / | \ / | \ [Roll credits.] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are copyright of Best Brains, Inc. This is a work of fanfiction and is not meant to infringe on that copyright. Likewise, Star Trek in all of its many forms is a bloated franchise copyrighted to Paramount. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Stephen Ratliff, however much he hay deserve it. It is meant in fun and games and shouldn't be taken seriously. > "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said. > "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker > replied.