From: cek...@pomona.edu Subject: MiSTing; All Hell Breaking Loose [1/2] Date: 1995/05/12 Message-ID: <1995May12.063138@pomona> X-Deja-AN: 102554674 organization: Pomona College newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k MiSTing; All Hell Breaks Loose Chris Ekman (script) & Ken Applebaum (improvement) This here is our third MiSTing, ever, so there is no longer any need for you to be charitable. We'd love to hear any comments or suggestions. I'll be at cek...@pomona.edu until Sunday, at which point I'll switch to 76452...@compuserve.com for the summer. Ken will be at appl...@stu.beloit.edu until about the same time, and then he'll change to lmu...@umd5.umd.edu. Keep in mind that we'll be skipping most of September via time travel. Oh, and remember to set your clocks three hours ahead. -----------------8<----------------CUT HERE----------------8<------------------ [Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000 Hour set. Jack Perkins is standing stock still. The lights go up.] JACK: Hello there, and welcome to the MUT Hour. You know, Mike and the 'bots like to call their home "The Satellite of Love". But it looks like there's one ship that can give them a run for their money- the Enterprise. People just can't get enough stories about romance among the ship's officers, bless their hearts, and that's something that's nice to see in this crazy world. This post has something for everyone- it has enough mushy parts for the romantics, but it's also got plenty of action. Pow! Wham! Great stuff. Stay tuned for Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000. [Theme song, etc. Then Satellite of Love bridge.] CROW: Look, you masher, I think it's time you faced up to reality. Gypsy is mine, and mine alone. TOM: That possessive attitude is exactly the reason that Gypsy could *never* love you. *I*, on the other hand, am sensitive to her needs. CROW: "Sensitive"? Oh, go watch some more Donahue, femme-bot. TOM: WHY YOU-! [Mike enters.] MIKE: Guys, what are you doing? Gypsy's already made clear that she has no interest in *either* of you. She's only got eyes for Richard Basehart. CROW: Geez, Mike, sometimes you are so thick! Of *course* neither of us is ever going to win. That's the *point*! TOM: We *can't* do anything that'll *end* eventually because- guess what! WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT ALL! AND IT ENDED! CROW: WE'VE BEEN ON THIS SATELLITE FOR SIX YEARS! SIX YEARS OF PURE HELL! WE MUST HAVE COMMITTED MASS MURDER IN A FORMER LIFE, FOR TRULY WE ARE CURSED IN THE EYES OF GOD! AAAAAHHH! (faints) MIKE: Okay, okay, I'm sorry! Sheesh, guess I touched a nerve- CROW: (springs back up) My Sam Kinison impression, everybody! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Enjoy the buffet. MIKE: What were we talking about? TOM: Dunno. Probably wasn't important. Hey, Bobcat's calling. [D13] DR.F: You people really are getting desperate for entertainment up there, aren't you? Gooood. It'll be fascinating to see how you deteriorate as the strain gets worse. [SOL] CROW: Say, Dr. F., aren't you supposed to be out getting chummy with Michael Crichton by now? [snickering] [D13] DR.F: [fuming] You just wait. *All* great authors get rejected at first. But at least I can comfort myself with the thought that I write better than the author of today's experiment. Though anyone above the age of 9 could probably say the same. [SOL] TOM: Way to annoy the mad scientist, Crow. Do you also like to poke at bears with sticks? CROW: Hey! You can't pin this on me, copper! It was a perfectly innocuous statement! And besides, you all laughed! [D13] DR.F: This post comes to you fresh from the swill orchards of alt.startrek.creative, and its faults are too numerous to mention. Look on the bright side- this will actually make Ratliff look palatable by comparison. Live long and suffer! [pushes button] [SOL] [lights flash, sirens blare, and everyone gets funky!] ALL: AAAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... * [all enter theater- you know the drill.] > X-News: pomona alt.startrek.creative:21724 MIKE: *Now* we're in for it. > From: cptbp...@aol.com (CptBPicard) MIKE: Captain *B.* Picard? CROW: Any relation to Mr. B. Natural? TOM: [Picard] The spirit of music, that's me. The spirit of the fun of music. ALL: [shudder] > Subject:NEW TNG STORY: All Hell Breaking Loose 1/2 CROW: New TNG story? Now I've heard everything. > Date: 1 May 1995 11:17:10 -0400 TOM: A date that will live in pudding! MIKE: What!? TOM: Thought I was going to say "infamy," didn't you? > Message-ID:<3o2u1m$b...@newsbf02.news.aol.com> MIKE: It would have to be from AOL, wouldn't it? > All Hell Breaking Loose CROW: Doom III: Hell in Space. > This is basically the same story line we've seen before, TOM: But then, we knew that- this is a Star Trek fanfic. > people loose > control over their emotions, get into trouble etc. etc. etc. CROW: [Spock] I fail to see why emotions are desirable, considering their consequences. MIKE: [McCoy] Damn your cold-blooded Vulcan logic, Spock! > But this time, I've added a little twist, just to make things more > interesting. . . . . . MIKE: A little twist? Hey, they're going to stop by Jack Rabbit Slim's! CROW: [Travolta] You know what they call a Quarter Pounder on Klingon? TOM: [Jackson] No, what? CROW: [Travolta] A gackkkkk zarrg xwagzuckkkkk! > PARAMOUNT OWNS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY ETC. ETC. ETC. MIKE: You better not press your luck, kid. Paramount *owns* this town! > CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISISM IS APPRECIATED. ALL: Get out while you still can!! YOU CAN E-MAIL ME AT CptBPicard. CROW: And we will, kid, rest assured... MIKE: Hey! > A splitting headache and an extremely LARGE sense of stupidity was what > the entire senior crew of the Enterprise was feeling. CROW: Another wild night in Ten-Forward, eh? TOM: [Riker] All I know is, I woke up in one of the Jeffries tubes, naked except for my communicator pin... CROW: [Riker] And I won't tell you where THAT was pinned... MIKE: Hush! > Once again it had all started with one of Q's obnoxious " studies" of > humanity. CROW: [Q] I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! > Looking up, Jean-Luc Picard felt his anger start to rise. For Q was sitting > on his desk, that was all he needed to get furious. MIKE: He's really attached to that desk, eh? TOM: (British accent) No, I haven't used it. That desk can never be used. Don't touch it. No, you can't point to it. Don't even look at it. > " Hello, Mon Capitan, I trust you're not in a wonderful mood. As if > you had one." MIKE: One what? Q, what've you been up to, and why are your eyes so red? > " Q, why are you here? I learned my lesson about not changing the > future, I saved humanity and proved that humans could think, TOM: [Picard] I ended the war in Bosnia, beat Doomsday, took out the garbage... MIKE: [nagging] I do, and do, and do for you, and *this* is the thanks I get. > why are you here now?!?" CROW: [Q] I couldn't stay away any longer. I love you, don't you understand? MIKE: Crow, please. Don't go there. I just ate. > Q clucked his tung in disapproval. TOM: Wow. That's just... wow. I can't even think of a joke for that. CROW: That can't be accidental. This guy must be misspelling on purpose. TOM: Yeah, so the other a.s.c.ers won't think he's uppity. MIKE: Dr. F. was right. I'd give *anything* to have "Enterprized" back right now. > " I just wanted you to see something, but rest assure, it won't put you > in a better mood." CROW: [Q] It's Wesley applying to come back to the Enterprise. MIKE: Glk! > With that Q snapped his fingers and they were gone. An instant later, they > were in Will Rikers quarters. TOM: Hip-deep in old pizza boxes and unwashed jockstraps. MIKE: Ewwww... > Picard wanted to leave for Will was in the middle of a rather private thing, > mainly love making. MIKE: Oh good Lord, I could have gone my whole life without seeing that. TOM: This *is* alt.startrek.creative and *not* alt.sex.stories, right? CROW: Wouldn't you know, we finally get some filth and it involves Riker. > He couldn't see who he was with. CROW: Hah! Little too much booze'll do that, eh, Riker? MIKE: Urg. I think the first "he" refers to Picard. CROW: Yeah, but it's more fun this way. > And when he heard their voice, he wanted to run head first into the warp > nacelles. CROW: It was Worf! MIKE: (moans, slumps) TOM: Hey, cool! I didn't know humans could change color. CROW: And that green goes so much better with your jumpsuit! > He turned to Q, his eyes blazing. MIKE: Visine will help that. > " Why have you brought me here Q? Have > you finally decided that the only way you're going to get rid of me is my > committing suicide? $ CROW: What's that errant $ doing here? TOM: Maybe McElwaine is behind this! AAAAHHH! > Cuase let me tell you, I'm pretty dam close to it." TOM: But you have so much to live for! The fans who obsess over you endlessly! The old creaky Star Trek franchise, resting on your shoulders! On second thought, do you want to call Dr. Kevorkian, or shall I? > " Temper, temper Mon Capitan. I just thought you might want to stop > wasting your time on red." CROW: Skelton? TOM: Auerbach? CROW: Foxx? MIKE: Uuuulllk! [doubles over] > " Her name is Beverly, and just why do you think that I'm wasting my > time?!?" TOM: [Picard] She's a liberated woman... we could have a menage-a-trois. CROW: But then they'd need Troi for that last part. MIKE: (falls with a sickening thud) TOM: Do you suppose we ought to do something? CROW: What can we do? Unless we've got a manual called "E-Z Orgo Repair"... > " You know, you could really use a vacation. MIKE: (groaning) You think *he* needs a vacation? (begins to get up) CROW: Look! He moved! Don't worry, he'll be fine. > I mean here you are, watching your beloved doctor in the middle of love > making with your trusted second in command. MIKE: YECCH! (falls again) CROW: Or not. > And you still think you have a chance?!? My, my. Have you been playing > with the matter/anti matter generator again? What have I told you about > that? I have told you that it will fry the few brain cells you have left." TOM: [Kevin Meaney] It's not a toy! For goodness sakes, playing with the matter/anti-matter generator... you'll go blind! > " You know, you really know how to kill a mood." MIKE: (staggering up) Guys, please. No more lewd jokes. It's all too horrible to even contemplate... CROW: Aw, you're no fun. > " Whatever do you mean? You weren't in a good mood when I came." > " That's because you came. I was going to ask her to dinner." ALL: [muted trumpet] Waaah-waah-waah-waaaaah! TOM: You can still do that, technically... CROW: Yeah, after this I'll bet she'll be hungry. MIKE: Gack! Please! Have mercy! > " Oh. I'm sorry." Q said not sounding the least bit sorry. ALL: (weakly) Ha. Ha. CROW: See, it's funny, 'cause it's... betrayal... > " From now on, I'll check your schedule when I want to do you a favor." CROW: Careful, though, Comedy Central is liable to change it without warning. > With that, Q snapped his fingers and Picard was back in his quarters and Q > was gone. MIKE: [falsetto] Why, you had the power to return home all the time! > Gordie La Forge was staring at the captain with a sense of curiosity. CROW: [Geordi] What's a good actor like him doing *here*? > Everyone else except the captain ( and maybe Troi, he was still debating > that) were acting, feeling, and working normally. The captain however was > very different from his usual self. TOM: [Picard] Somebody stole a quart of my strawberries! > He could swear that he actually saw anger radiating in heat waves from > Picards body. MIKE: (singing) We're having a heat wave... a tropical heat wave... TOM: Or perhaps that should be "hate wave." CROW: For we are verily Milk and Cheese! MIKE: I saw that one coming a mile away. > Deanna noticed it to, but unlike Gordie, she could see peoples expressions. CROW: Oh, rub it in, why don't you? > The expressions she saw from the captain worried her. Whenever Beverly > talked his face and emotions were overcome by loss and sadness. When Will > Talked, his face and emotions were overcome by anger, even hatred. TOM: [Snagglepuss] Dislike, e-ven! MIKE: And when Deanna talked, his face and emotions were overcome by extreme boredom. > His face would grow dark and a scowl would form. MIKE: So he's troubled, then. CROW: Hey, how'd you figure that out? Are you an empath, too? > Finally after a not so pleasant meeting, she decided to find out about this > extreme change in behavior. " Sir, I was just wondering what was bothering > you." TOM: [Picard] The continuing success of Yanni! > " Nothing!" he snapped. He immediately realized that his tone would > only confirm what she already knew. " Sir, you know that you can't fool me. > I'll bet Gordie saw you temperature rise by five degrees. TOM: Nah, I say it's gotta be ten. CROW: I dibs fifteen. MIKE: Enterprise office pool! > And don't deny it because you know that I'm going to be on your case until I > find out MIKE: [Columbo] I've just got a couple 'a nagging little questions, Mr. Picard, which I'm sure you'll be able to clear up... > why you're so . . . . . . . . . . CROW: We pause for station identification. TOM: Hey, neat, can we go get a snack? MIKE: [Troi] Sorry, zoned out there. What was I saying? > infuriated." > Jean-Luc sighed. " Alright. I suppose that you have the right to know > also. TOM: [Picard] Those bastards cancelled "My So-Called Life." > But I'm not going to be the one who tell's you. All you have to do is talk > to your precious Imzadi, I know you'll find out." TOM: Imzadi? MIKE: The latest model from Mazda! CROW: Issy Miyaki's new protoge! TOM: New in your grocer's freezer section from Kikoman! > With that he turned away making it clear that the conversation was over. CROW: Or maybe he just found Deanna's voluminous cleavage intimidating. TOM: Hey, who wouldn't? MIKE: (lurches) CROW: Sorry. Habit. > " Will, I was wondering if we could talk a minute." > " Sure Deanna, what's up?" > " The captain is very angry with you and I was hoping you could tell me > why." MIKE: [Riker] Aren't you supposed to be an empath? > How could the captain know? Will thought. Then it hit him. MIKE: The BFG9000. BOTS: YAY! > " Q!!!" he screamed. CROW: Well, of course. That is the only rational explanation, after all. MIKE: [Riker] Say, guys, I can't find my communicator pin. Has anybody... Q!!! TOM: [Riker] Hey, I didn't order the salisbury steak, I orde... Q!!! > " Will, what are you talking abou--" That's when it hit her. TOM: You'd think she'd know to duck by this point. > She read his thoughts as if they were on paper. CROW: Or, in Riker's case, on a Post-It note. > " My apologies Cmdr. I didn't know it was such a private matter." With > that, Deanna walked away, leaving a very angry Will Riker behind her. MIKE: And taking a happy-go-lucky Will Riker with her. CROW: Well, you gotta have a spare... maybe one's Thomas Riker. > " Beverly, I was wondering if we could talk. I mean, sure we can talk. > We always talk. Please shut me up." Deanna Troi asked. TOM: Could it be? Could it really be? MIKE: Maybe this fanfic won't be so bad after all! > " Okay, that's fare enough." With that, she $hypoed Deanna. MIKE: Three cheers for Beverly! Hip hip- ALL: HOORAY! MIKE: Hip hip- > Not a hypo that'll nock you out, just one that relaxes you. ALL: Crud. > " Now, what's up?" > " Well, I was just wondering if what I heard about you and Will is > true." > Deanna chocked on the last word, for fear that the answer might be yes. > " Well that depends on what you heard." CROW: That you're both cat fanciers. WHAT DO YOU THINK? > But looking into her friends eyes, Beverly knew the answer. And Deanna knew > she knew. MIKE: And Beverly knew she knew she knew. TOM: [the Sicilian] But! I know that *you* know that I'd suspect you, and therefore the hypo with the icocaine power is the one in front of *me*! > She also knew what the answer was. MIKE: 42. BOTS: Huh? > Walking into the captains quarters, she immediately knew that he was > calmed down. CROW: By the way he was lying limp on the floor. > " Sir, I need to talk to you." > " I know what's it's about Deanna. You're going to tell me that > Everything was just in my imagination, right?" TOM: It was all a dream! MIKE: And you were there, Uncle Will, and you too, Aunt Beverly... > " I'm afraid not. It's all to real." > " Oh, I see." Deanna watched in amazement as a single tear left > Picards eye. Then another. Soon, it had turned into some real crying. MIKE: That Picard is a damn fine actor. That anguish is so *real*. Just like "Generations." TOM: Yeah, Shatner could never have done that. CROW: Well, Shatner would've just dumped Beverly and hit on some alien chick. MIKE: But in "The Next Generation," when you sleep with one Andorian, you're sleeping with every Iotian and Garn she's ever been with... > Except he was silent. Deanna could no longer hold in her emotion's either. > She crumpled onto the couch and began to sob. Soon however, Jean-Luc > stopped. TOM: [Picard] What's the idea, trying to steal my big scene? > He turned to the counselor, but found her asleep. He just didn't have > the heart to wake her up, so he let her sleep thinking that she would wake > up soon. She ended up staying the night. TOM: Oh, a slumber party! CROW: Hey, there's a little innuendo there. You don't suppose that they... MIKE: Crow, you *want* me to have a relapse, is that it? > Jean-Luc woke up to find that something very strange had happened to > him. MIKE: Deanna had dipped his hand into a glass of warm water. TOM: Someone was running at him in the dark with flashlights yelling, "TRUCK!!" CROW: Ben-Gay had been smeared in his underwear drawer! > He had loved Beverly, he was sure of it. But now all he felt towards her > was resentment. For lack of a better word. . . . . . . . . . MIKE: Resentment? TOM: Hate? CROW: Disgust? TOM: Revulsion? MIKE: Hate? CROW: Spite? TOM: Dislike? CROW: Hate? MIKE: Un- nice- ness? > hate. ALL: Well, why didn't you *SAY* so? > He now realized how stubborn she was, her short fuse, how easy it was to get > her angry, CROW: Just by switching her patients' X-rays with those of a gorilla... TOM: Some folks can't take a joke! > she wasn't even that good looking. Her eyes were to dark, her hair made it > look like her head was on fire. And her nose was so big!!! TOM: Uh, no, it isn't... and besides, I thought her eyes were blue... > Deanna was feeling the same thing about Will. She had once felt such > passion for him. Now all she felt was hate. CROW: (singing) 'Cuz IIII... hate everything about you! MIKE: (wincing) Must you? > He was stubborn, pushy, annoying, and most of all, he was so cocky!!! He > was also not to good looking. His beard was horrible, he was fat, CROW: So far she hasn't said anything that I disagree with. > his eyes > were so big!!! MIKE: [Troi] Ooh, Will, what big eyes you have! TOM: But... but he doesn't... really... > She had no idea why, but she had once even referred to him as "Imzadi"!!! CROW: We have no idea why either. What's an Imzadi? > But that was not true. No, the only person she cared about was Jean-Luc. TOM: It's a trachyon field flux shift! It's disrupting our subspace impulse capacitors! MIKE: Huh? TOM: I just had to remind myself that this is a Star Trek story. > Beverly Crusher had changed dramatically over night, as did Will. MIKE: They'd turned into giant cockroaches! > She didn't love the captain anymore, that was not new, but now she hated > him!!! TOM: [Stuart Smalley] I'm sensing a lot of hostility here, people. > He was so pushy, stubborn, and talk about obnoxious!!! His bald head made > him look like grape, TOM: A grape? Since when did his skin turn light green? CROW: Hey, if Mike could do it... MIKE: That wasn't intentional! > and his eyes kind of proclaimed " I'm better then you!!!" MIKE: Well, he is. TOM: True 'nuff. > Will was thinking about what had happened. He hated Deanna. CROW: Maybe he has more sense than I've given him credit for. > He had been her friend less then twelve hours ago. But now. . . . . . . > ug!!!! Her hair was so messy, her accent was annoying, she was always trying > to pry into others business, and her eyes looked like bananas!!! TOM: Bananas? Her eyes aren't yellow. MIKE: You sure you don't have her mixed up with Data? CROW: Actually, given a wig and two grapefruit, he would... MIKE: Don't make me warn you again! > He was only sure of one thing however, and that was that he loved Beverly. TOM: Why doesn't this guy know what any of the characters look like? CROW: Hey, I've got it! Maybe this guy hasn't actually *seen* the show! Maybe he learned about it by reading fanfics! ALL: AAAAAHHH! MIKE: C'mon, guys, let's take that break now... [exeunt.] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... * [back on the SOL bridge.] MIKE: Imagine someone who learned all about the literary arts from Ratliff! CROW: The horror... the horror! TOM: Say, I have an idea. You all know about the Clipper Chip, right? The one that's supposedly able to censor certain types of USENET material? CROW&MIKE: Yes indeedy. TOM: That's awfully inefficient, really. Why not have a chip that destroys the *source* of the garbage? Say... the newsgroup? CROW: Hey, yeah! Then we could stop the hate at alt.conspiracy! Seek and destroy alt.religion.scientology! TOM: And mainly, we could rid the world of the pus-filled boil that is alt.startrek.creative! CROW: Yeah! Hey, let's go get started! The children must be protected! MIKE: Wait a minute, guys. Do you really think you can decide what people should and shouldn't read? CROW: Hey, I already dibsed deciding who lives and who dies. This is minor in comparison. TOM: You weren't here for that. MIKE: Right, I keep forgetting. Still, censorship is wrong. TOM: Not always. Sometimes, it's humane. CROW: Say, what's gotten into you, Mike? From the way you were retching during that post, I'd think youUd be all for this plan. TOM: Why were you retching, anyway? MIKE: Well, they were talking about characters... doing 'it', whom I *really* did *not* want to think about ... doing 'it'... TOM: What's so bad about that? MIKE: (blushing) Erm... do you guys really understand what sex is about? TOM: Uh... CROW: Well... I know it's a great way to spend a Saturday night! Party! TOM: Woooo! Party hardy! Let's score! CROW: Excellent! Let's pick up some hot chicks and... and... uh... TOM: Uh, seriously, what *is* it all about? Do you know? CROW: Is it like an interface? MIKE: Well, sort of. We'd better have this discussion off camera- back in a moment, folks. [presses button] [Commercials ad nauseum.] [Have you ever been driven to distraction by numerous beeping communications devices- even in the forests of deepest Maine? Have you ever been billed $500 a month just for spending too much time chatting on overrated gadgets? Have you ever been disappointed by new gimmicky technology? YOU WILL- and the company that will bring it to you- AT&T!] [Friday! Comedy Central brings you the Comedy Central Failed Sketch Comedy Marathon! 376 HOURS of Exit 57, The Vacant Lot, Limboland, Musical Shorts, and hundreds more! Of course, this supercedes all our previously scheduled programming. We don't care if you're disappointed- we've got a monopoly on Ab Fab, Politically Incorrect, and MST3K! So bite us! We're Comedy Central!] [Back on the Satellite of Love.] MIKE: (blushing) ...and, uh, nine months later, if everything goes right, the baby is born. CROW: That's disGUSTing! TOM: No kidding! You orgos are just too grody! MAGIC VOICE: I concur. Movie sign in 10 seconds. CROW: Doesn't it get sweaty and uncomfortable? MIKE: (evil grin) Only if you do it right. CROW: Oh, yuck! And all this time I've been making jokes!... But now that I know! Blech! TOM: And knowing is half the battle! Blargh! MIKE: Really, guys, it's not bad. In fact, it can be a lot of fun. TOM: So that's why orgo men chase women? MIKE: Well, essentially... TOM: And... say! Could that why we have this urge to... chase Gypsy? MIKE: Uhh... I,uh, really don't know how it, um, works for 'bots, but... CROW: Maybe we were on to something and didn't know it. TOM: Hmm... [lights blare, sirens flash... or is it the other way around?] ALL: AAAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... * [all enter the theater.] CROW: (whining) And Crusher actually has a mole on the back of her neck! Disgusting! How could I ever have loved her? > On the bridge, Will ordered Worf to give a read out. " Belay that > order." came Picards sneering voice. " So Riker, are you saying that you're > so stupid that you can't even give a simple read out? Or is it just that > you're to fat to walk over there?!?" CROW: Hey, now *this* is exciting! My money's on the "stupid" part. TOM: Ooooh. Man, that was one cold dis. MIKE: Are you gunna take dat from this slob? Anh? ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! > " Listen, Baldy!!! You can just shut your Shakespear addicted mouth!!!" MIKE: [Riker] Yeah, you cultured, classically-trained actor, you! > " Oh yeah? Well you listen now, beard but!!! You, are a slimy, > disgusting pig who is not worthy to serve on a ship commanded by klingon > Targs!!!" [all laugh hysterically.] TOM: [Picard] I am rubber, whereas you are glue. Neener, neener. MIKE: [announcer] Next week, on Star Trek: The Next Generation! The crew's minds are taken over by an alien known only as "Spaceman Spiff"! > " Okay. That'$s it. You've bullied me the last time. You know what I > want to know? I want to know how the hell you got accepted to Starfleet > Academy, and how did you become a captain?" CROW: Is Riker implying that Picard *slept* his way to the- MIKE: HROLF! [runs out of theater, cupping hand over mouth] TOM: Did you do that on purpose? CROW: Of course not! I now find it gross too! But- but- I can't stop! > Picards eyes narrowed. Will had gone to far. Everyone on the bridge before > had been talking in confusion. TOM: (befuddled) Hey, this isn't in the script! > Now they were all silent. They knew that the captain had never taken an > insult about his appearance before, but insulting his ability in Starfleet > was plain stupid. CROW: Calling him "Baldy" to his face, on the other hand, was the height of intelligence? > That was where the captain drew the line. Will regretted his words > instantly. He knew he had crossed the line. Picard decided he would have to > change tactics. " You're not worthy of someone even as ugly and stupid as > Beverly!!!" TOM: Good tactic! Sink to his level! CROW: [Riker] Yeah? Well, at least I've *got* a girl! TOM: [Picard] Your mother is so fat... > The silence once again. TOM: Wow! This is *great* silence! No kidding, I'm having a transcendental moment here, guys! I could be silent like this all day! CROW: Shut up and enjoy it! Silence means there's no moronic dialogue. > Everyone knew about the commanding officers changes of $heart', but to > insult someones girlfriend like that was asking for trouble. CROW: [Deanna] My boyfriend's back, and you're gonna be in trouble! TOM: Hey la, hey la, her boyfriend's back! > " What did you say?" Will asked in a quite yet threatening tone. " You > heard me. I said that your girlfriend is an ugly, idiotic, jerk!!!" CROW: [Riker] You're lucky my chick's here. MIKE: (enters) Did anything interesting happen while... no, guess not. > " That's it!!!" Will walked over to Picard and without warning CROW: Shook his hand and thanked him for the advice! > punched > him right in the jaw. TOM: [Howard Cosell] Folks, this is a *shameful* day in boxing history. > As if to justify " for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" MIKE: Oh, so it's all a physics experiment. CROW: Causing pain in the name of science? Sounds like Dr. F. > Jean-Luc landed a solid right to Rikers eye. TOM: Of *course*. Apparently it's so big, you can't miss it. MIKE: I blinded him... with science! > Soon they were rolling on the floor, doing their best to get each others > throats. Everyone, even Worf, was so stunned that at first they just > watched the two fight. CROW: Then Worf realized this is the most violence there's ever *been* on TNG! TOM: [Worf] Finally we get some action around here! Block party! Mix it up! > Then an ensign got his senses back MIKE: Though the dry-cleaners had *shrank* them! > and yelled CROW: Are we filming this? This'll make millions on pay-per-view! > "Somebody stop them!!!" > Before anyone did, the young ensign had run over to Picard and tried to pry > him of Will. He was amazed at how strong the older man was and in the end it > took three ensigns, four lutenists, TOM: What are four lute players doing on the bridge? MIKE: They keep an orchestra around for the stirring incidental music. TOM: Ohhh. > one Lt. Cmdr, CROW: Three divisions of the Air Force, the Vienna Boys' Choir, Rambo... > and Worf to pull Picard off > him. TOM: [Picard] Would you like a piece of me? WOULD YOU LIKE A PIECE OF ME? > Once Worf had a firm grip on the captain, CROW: Seeing as the captain had *lost* his firm grip on *reality*... > five ensigns and a Lt. tackled > Riker so he couldn't go after the captain. MIKE: [John Madden] And Riker is *down*! But he gained some *serious* yardage on that play! TOM: Wait a minute. What are 5 ensigns and 4 "lutenists" doing JUST HANGING AROUND THE BRIDGE? CROW: [David Letterman] It's "Let the Amateurs Drive" here on the Late Show bridge, folks! > Then, without warning, they both fainted. Wether it was from exhaustion or > all the hits they had taken, CROW: [Riker] Don't bogart that joint, Jean-Luc. > no one really knew. MIKE: My guess is it's from embarrassment. > They only knew to get them to Sickbay. The problem was that once they got > to Sickbay, the captain was dropped on a medtable while Crusher ordered > everyone to help Will. CROW: Ha ha! It's funny, 'cause it's... malpractice... > The ships third officer, Data, was put in charge of the ship. TOM: [Al Haig] I'm in charge here! > Picard and Will had been confined to quarters till they had "cooled down". > Deanna and Beverly had immediately rushed to their respective men to see if > they were okay. MIKE: Define "okay". > Then, when everyone was vulnerable, all hell broke loose. TOM: I *hate* it when that happens. CROW: Hence the title, then? MIKE: [British accent] And this is where the story *really* starts! > Will couldn't stand it. He was better and more qualified. CROW: He had a more flexible neck, for those important dramatic poses. TOM: He was far more hirsute. MIKE: He was more intellegent, and a better actor. ALL: [hysterical laughter] > He should be captain!!! He needed to do something about it. So, during the > ships $night' he payed a little visit to his dear captain. CROW: What's he going to do, ask for a promotion? MIKE: Oh, this is evil... this is *really* evil... > "Computer, open door." > " Unable to comply, door has been locked." TOM: [HAL 9000] I'm sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that. MIKE: That's a little *too* convincing. > " Commanders over ride." > "Unable to comply. Only the occupant can open door." CROW: [Eddie Murphy] Hey, hey, hey, maybe you don't know who you're dealin' with? My name's Axel Foley, with the Government Bureau of Executive Quarters Inspection! You either co-operate, or I'll have you melted down so fast you won't even have time to process a login subroutine! > " Computer, security over ride." > "Unable to comply. Only the security chief can open door with > security over ride." MIKE: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc, let me in, or I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll *blow* your house in! > "Computer, shut up." > "Unable to comply. The computer is not programed to answer that > question nor doed it have the knowledge to." CROW: [Computer] Besides, what if I don't *feel* like shutting up, boogerhead? > Will waved his hand as if to say $forget it.' MIKE: Ho ho! That darn Kooky the Computer! Messed up my murder plans again! > " Worf!!!" Will yelled into the klingons door. > " Yes Cmdr?" came Worfs question > " The captain's in trouble and his door is locked. Only you can open > it!!!" CROW: [Worf] What sort of trouble? MIKE: [Riker] There's a madman trying to kill him! CROW: [Worf] Who? MIKE: [Riker] Me! > The klingons eyes narrowed. If the captain was in trouble, then he had > to act quickly. " I'll be there in a second." as good as his word Worf was > there in literally a second. TOM: See, he was a Secondman in the Klingonian Revolution. MIKE: The Romulans are coming! The Romulans are coming! CROW: Is that like being a Second Banana? MIKE: In Worf's case, yes. TOM: Hey, maybe he'll get to meet Torgo! > "Come on!!!" came Wills call. > " Computer, security over ride." > The doors slid open and that was the last thing Worf remembered. Will > made a mental note to thank Beverly for use of a hypo. Then, slowly but > surely, TOM: I turned... step by step... inch by inch... > he made his way towards the captains bed. He was surprised to find > Deanna in the bed with him. But that was not why he had come. CROW: Oh, there are too many possibilities. I can't decide. MIKE: Wise. Very wise. > He pulled out his phasor, set it on stun. He was aching to set it on kill, > but he couldn't be accused of murder!!! CROW: Starfleet frowns on that sort of thing. MIKE: Where do they get off being more exclusive than Harvard? > He was just going to hurt this. . .thing. However before he could fire, the > captain had his own phasor out and shot the Cmdr in the chest. TOM: [hick] Good thang Ah sleep with mah trusty phaser under mah pillow! MIKE: A public service message from the National Phaser Association. > Riker went down in a heap. CROW: But he's in a heap even standing up. TOM: D'oh! > Jean-Luc was about to call security when a phasor hit him squarly in the > stomach. Once again, acting before thinking, they both reached for a sharp > object. TOM: WHAT sharp objects!? There aren't any sharp objects in Picard's room! CROW: What, is he not allowed to have any? TOM: THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT! > And once again, acting before thinking, they stabbed each other. CROW: (dismayed) Why don't they *look* > "Will, Will?" > "Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc?" MIKE: Auntie Em? Auntie Em? TOM: Shane! Shane! Come back, Shane! > "What?" both men responded in unisen. > "You were both stabbed by. . . . . actually, we don't know." MIKE: It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man! > " It was him!!!" They both barked pointing at one another. CROW: WOOF! > "Well I believe my Will was just an innocent victem," Crusher said. CROW: (gansta) He's just another victim! TOM: That's "victem". MIKE: If we're going to start hitting spelling mistakes, we'll be here all day. > " and that the captain stabbed him for no reason." TOM: Then what was Will doing in the captain's room? MIKE: [Gerald Ullman drone] Your honor, the defense believes it was a drug-related incident. CROW: It was a frame-up! Free Riker! > This caused a faint murmer in Sickbay. Why was the doctor accusing Picard > of assault? MIKE: Well, who else is she going to accuse of assault? TOM: [Doug Llewellen] And if your boyfriend gets stabbed by his superior officer, don't take the law into your own hands. You take them to court. > That was when Deanna decided to make her entrence, just at the wrong time. TOM: [Picard] Don't you know to be "fashionably late"? > "Excuse me. I have an anouncement. MIKE: [Troi] There's a Student Council meeting tomorrow at 5... > I hate to admit this, but our ship is falling apart. Four of the most > important people on this ship, including me, are not in working condition. ALL: They're a danger to themselves and others!! TOM: Not in working condition? Can't they get replacement parts? > And, as much as I hated to do it, I have invited someone. The one person I > know who can intimidate anyone, with the possible exception of Worf. CROW: Newt Gingrich? TOM: Leona Helmsley? MIKE: Richard Simmons? BOTS: Huh? > I have invited my mother." > "Deanna, why the hell did you do an idiotic thing like that?!?" Will > screamed. TOM: Habit. > "Hey, she's ten times smarter then you!!!" Jean-Luc yelled. CROW: So is Forrest Gump. Your point? > " HEY!!!" Deanna shouted in attempt to get peoples attention back. " > It was either my mother or. . . . . . . . . . TOM: I'm telling you, I've never *felt* such silence before! I... MIKE: Tom, hush. CROW: Wow, Troi is fond of these really long dramatic pauses. MIKE: She probably learned it from Shatner. TOM: [Shatner] I...... sense. They're. ...hidingsomething. (pause) TOM: When is she going to- > Q. ALL: Finally! > I understand that everyone has reason to not want either on board. That is > why I have arranged a vote. The person with the most votes will be > invited." MIKE: Man, you talk about "the lesser of the two evils"! > ---------------ONE DAY LATER--------------- TOM: You mean we've been in here *all this time*? MIKE: No, it only feels like it. > "Attention all personel," came Data's voice over the loud speaker. " I have > the result of the vote. The person we are inviting is. . . . . . . CROW: *Another* big pause! TOM: I hate Windows. Programs take so long to load. MIKE: Data really should upgrade. > how can > this be possible?" Data was asking someone on the bridge. " I don't know > sir." > " Attention. We have a uniqe situation. The vote has turned out to be > a tie. MIKE: That *is* unique, especially considering there's an odd number of people on board. TOM: Maybe someone voted for Guinan. CROW: Maybe *everyone* except these four morons voted for Guinan. MIKE: At least affirmative action is finally kicking in by the 24th century. > Since we need someone, then it has been decidid that both people will be > invited." TOM: Hold it! That's not in Robert's Rules of Order, is it? > The very ship seemed to speak at the same time. CROW: The same time as what? > Everyone, in perfect unisen went " OY!!!" TOM: Funny, they don't *look* Jewish. MIKE: Aargh... > On Betazed, Lwaxana was surprised to find that she had a message from > Deanna. CROW: Especially since she'd moved and left no forwarding address. > I hope it isn't bad news. She thought. " Hello Deanna." "Hello mother. > Um, there is a. . . . . ALL: SAY IT! > situation CROW: I thought the line was *antici*pation. > on the ship. Jean-Luc, Cmdr Riker, Cmdr > Crusher TOM: When did Bev become a *Commander*? She's a doctor, not a commander! MIKE: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a sheep herder! CROW: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a plumber's helper! MIKE: [McCoy] She's a doctor, not a... TOM: FORGET I SAID ANYTHING! > and myself are in a. . . . . . CROW: A what? A horrible fanfic? > disagreement. MIKE: In much the same way that the Allies and the Axis were in a "disagreement". > We need a mediator and we would like you to be it. TOM: [Troi] We needed someone impartial, so who better than someone with a GIGANTIC CRUSH ON PICARD? > Of course, since it is four of the most important people, we have also > invited Q." TOM: [Troi] We needed someone impartial, so who better than someone with a GIGANTIC GRUDGE AGAINST PICARD? MIKE: Tom, do you need a timeout? TOM: NO! I'm... fine! Every day... in every way... I'm getting better... and better! Hee hee! > " Absolutely not. Unless you take that omnipotent piece of s--" > "MOTHER!!!" > "Yes little one? Oh, fine. But I'm warning you. If he says one thing > to insult me. . . . . . ." MIKE: [Lwaxana] ...then I'll probably just have to take it... seeing as he is... omnipotent, and all. > " Yes mother." > "Very well little one. I'll be seeing you shortly." And the screen > went blank. The one unfortunat thing was that it was hard to reach Q. CROW: How is that unfortunate? MIKE: I thought you just had to say his name five times... > And if they did, he could be there in an instant. Guinan was also asked to > come. Just to be sure that Q behaved himself. TOM: Uh-huh. The bartender is going to discipline the omnipotent guy. CROW: Maybe she'll stab him in the hand with a fork again. > "Q, please come to the Enterprise, we need your help." It was one of the > hardest things Guinan had ever had to say in her life. MIKE: Aside of "She sells sea shells by the seashore." > " Very well." came Q's sneering voice. Q showed up in his normall fashon. > A soundless explosion. "I take it Jean-Luc asked me to be here?" Q asked > the ten foward hostess. CROW: Yup, he's *real* eager to see *you* again. > "Actually, no. Half the ship asked you to be here." TOM: The other half jumped out the airlock. > "Oh where is there a tissue when you need one?" Q asked blowing his nose. CROW: On *what*? I thought he didn't have... MIKE: Let it go. > Guinan blew air through her lips impationtly. "Look, stop it, okay?" "Some > hostess." Q said trying to sound hurt. Very well, and where is Mon > Capitaine?" TOM: On hiatus in Tahiti, so today his role will be played by Tommy Lee Jones sans le toupee! CROW: Cool! MIKE: He's in everything now. > "He's in his quarters waiting for you so the tria-- the debat--the > negotiashons can start." MIKE: Sad. All that effort, and it's *still* wrong. TOM: But now, there's Hooked on Phonics! > Q left, leaving a very annoyed Guinan behind him. > "Hello little on-- oh, it's YOU." Lwaxana said it with enough distaste > in her voice to make it clear that she still htaed Q. CROW: [Q] Who are you calling 'little one'? MIKE: For the last time, spare me! > "Yes, it's me. So, let the trial begin!!!" MIKE: The defense calls Kato to the stand! TOM: Wait, that's not Kato, that's Wesley! ALL: AAAAHHH!! > "Okay," Deanna siad trying her best to be *good*. CROW: She's not bad, she's just dressed that way. > "The problem is that all four of us are having a little trouble. MIKE: In it's own way, an unimpeachable observation. > You see, we each loved the other person of the oposite sex, but now we hate > each other and we love the people we love now." CROW: [Q] I may be omnipotent, but even *I* can't make any sense out of that sentence. TOM: [Ricki Rachtman] Whoa, that sounds like a mess. You want to take this call, Dr. Drew? > "All to simple." Q said. "Of course I could tell you how to get rid of > your problem and what it is, but that wouldn't be a learning experience. > Now would it. MIKE: (hearty) It'll build character! CROW: [Q] And, of course, if I made things simple, the story would be over. TOM: We can dream, can't we? > Tell you what, I'll give you a hint every day so you can try to figure it > out for yourself. TOM: [Frank Gorshin] Riddle me this, Picard! > However, if you don't figure it out within a week, then I'll tell you, and > you have to admit to the entiresolar system that humans are idiots." MIKE: Oh, the success of Dumb & Dumber already proves *that*. CROW: [Q] And then I get to give the entire human race a giant wedgie! > Q was very much enjoying this. After all, no human could figure this out, > could they? TOM: Except for Marilyn Vos Savant. MIKE: Guest-starring this week on "Star Trek: The Next Degradation! > It was time for Q's clue of the day. MIKE: [goofy DJ] And remember, if you're the first caller to solve KROQ's Clue of the Day, you win free tickets to see Green Day in Cleveland! > Lwaxana had been given the job of helping people with there feelings > torwards each other (Deanna was in no condition do mediate her own > argument.) CROW: "There feelngs torwards"? This guy breaks a new rule of grammar in every sentence! > Q decided to prove how stupid this $race' was. So he gave his clue for the > day. CROW: So Q is giving his clue of the day, then. TOM: By all appearances, he is, yes. MIKE: [Pee-Wee] Hey, Conky, what's today's secret word?> TOM: Nelson, if you think tickertape is coming out this 'bot's navel, you have got another think coming. > "Okay, the clue is; MIKE: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the inexplicably convenient sharp object. CROW: The shadows are not what they seem. TOM: The squab is in the hole. > Quite similar to this type of flu." MIKE: Another type of flu! > "That's it? That's the only clue you're giving us today?!?" Picard was > furios. CROW: You're kidding! Crow was sarcastic. > "Oh Jean-Luc, it's so simple," Lwaxana said. "The Betazoid flu makes > you loose all control over your emotions." TOM: Sorry to hear that, Lwaxana- hope you get well soon! > "Yes, but mother," Deanna began. "We didn't loose control of our > emotions. If we had, believe me, I know who I would have been with tonight." > "Yeah, no one." Came Wills sneering voice. > "Come on Will, think!!!" Deanna urged him. MIKE: [Riker] What, and break my streak? TOM: [Python Gumby] My brain hurts!! > "How did you feel before all this happened?" MIKE: [Riker] A little rubbery. Still do. Why? > "I, um. . . . . . TOM: Geez, this post has more pauses than a Pinter play! > I loved you. I loved you with everything I was. > With all my being. CROW: That's not saying a heck of a lot. > To be honest, I'm not sure why. You're just an empathic--" MIKE: (singing) I'm just a Betazoid, for all that I've annoyed, life goes on despite me... TOM: Gah! Diamond Dave ref! > "WILL!!!" Deanna yelled. > "What? What did I do? Try to state the truth. That's all I did. Try > to state the truth." MIKE: [Troi] I can't *handle* the truth! TOM: The truth is out there! CROW: No, the truth is here, but Riker's really out there. > He paused a minute as a sudden look of discovery came across his face. > "Wait a minute, you called me Will." > "Yes, I guess I did." Deanna said. "It was natural." MIKE: Seeing as that's your name, and all. > Then, all of a sudden, it came together. Everything that hadn't made > sence, suddenly made perfect sence. CROW: Oswald *didn't* act alone! > "Jean-Luc, call Dr. Crusher Beverly." She said. > "NO!!! Why should I?" He asked. He didn't want to. TOM: [Picard] Don't wanna! Don't wanna! Don't wanna! MIKE: You know, I really like the way this story lets you get the inner motivations of the characters. > "Because, you have to." was all Deanna said. CROW: Or I'll bring out... Mr. Thingy. > And then, out of nowhere, it happened. TOM: Q got bored and put the whole crew out of their misery. MIKE: You're getting darker, Tom. > ************************************************************** MIKE: This post got to me- I'm seeing stars. CROW: Well, it *is* set in outer space... TOM: D'oh! > Part two will be posted in a little while. ALL: BOO! MIKE: At least we have a respite... [exeunt.] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... * [back at the SOL bridge. Gypsy is wearing a bright red bow, and is sporting lipstick (heaven knows how). Mike enters.] MIKE: Hey, Gypsy, you look nice! What's the occasion! GYPSY: Oh, Tom did the nicest thing for me! He offered to take over running the ship for a little while, so I'd have some rest... and then he's serving me dinner in the load pan bay! He's cooking RAMchips parmesan with some nicely aged 10-W-40. Isn't that considerate of him? MIKE: Er... I'd watch out, Gypsy. You know, men only want one thing... GYPSY: What, RAMchips? MIKE: No, um... GYPSY: Supersoakers? MIKE: No... GYPSY: Spiritual fulfillment? MIKE: Gypsy, can we talk for a sec? [suddenly, offscreen, Crow and Tom can be heard.] CROW: You rotten sneak! I was going to ask her to dinner! She's my girl! TOM: Hey, what are you doing here? Bite me! You snooze, you lose! CROW: You asked for it... [zapping sound] TOM: AAARGH! You treacherous... [zapping sound] [Mike runs off to left hurriedly.] CROW: YOWCH! ...Lucky thing I still have this Ginsu knife! TOM: Lucky thing I just happen to have this harpoon gun, which I can work with my mouth! [The sound of metal piercing plastic is heard, followed closely by the firing of the harpoon gun. There is much groaning throughout.] MIKE: NOOOOOOOO! GYPSY: [mouth drops open] [Mike comes back into camera range. He is carrying the lifeless bodies of Servo, now split down the middle, and Crow, now with a harpoon protruding from his chest.] MIKE: (sobbing) Why don't they *think*? [Fade out. MUT Hour set.] JACK: Golly! Things look pretty dire for our heroes, don't they? Don't you worry, though- I think everything's going to turn out just fine. What about the Enterprise, though? Will Picard overcome his fear of Crusher's first name? Or will Picard send the entire human race to sit in the corner? Boy, I sure hated that when I was in school. We'll find out in the conclusion, on the next Mystery Usenet Theatre Hour. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MOST OF IT: Chris Ekman ADDITIONAL JOKES BY: Ken Applebaum PUBLIC OPINIONS UPHOLSTERER: Paul Murky, of Murky Research STAFF COUNCELLOR: Kay Sera, who's now married to Frank Sera... ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE: William Shakespeare HOTEL BILL: Gilbert Harding SPECIAL THANKS TO: The authors of the First Amendment Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on the author, Capt. B Picard. We mean him no malice, no injury, no... OH, YES WE DO! WE WISH HIM ALL THE PAIN THERE IS! I WANT TO SHOVE HIM INTO A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF PORCUPINES! I,.s;???? Hi, kids, this is Ken. Please excuse my steaming compatriot- he's been under a lot of stress. " Listen, Baldy!!! You can just shut your Shakespear addicted mouth!!!" From: cek...@pomona.edu Subject: MiSTing; All Hell Breaking Loose [2/2] Date: 1995/05/13 Message-ID: <1995May13.134953@pomona> X-Deja-AN: 102554731 organization: Pomona College newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k MiSTing; All Hell Breaks Loose, part 2 Chris Ekman (script) [No Ken Applebaum this time- I couldn't get it prepared in time to send to him for approval.] Yes, yes, it's us again. You needn't grimace that way. I don't know that anyone will see this, seeing as the school year is ending, but hell, it's done. Maybe I'll repost it in September- then I can get Ken's input as well. Anyhow, enjoy. We'd love to hear any comments or suggestions. I'll be at cek...@pomona.edu until Sunday, at which point I'll switch to 76452...@compuserve.com for the summer. Ken will be at appl...@stu.beloit.edu until about the same time, and then he'll change to lmu...@umd5.umd.edu. I'm sure you're all just fascinated. -----------------8<----------------CUT HERE----------------8<------------------ [Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000 Hour set. Jack Perkins is standing stock still. The lights go up.] JACK: Hello there! Today we get to find out what happened to Tom and Crow. Ooh, I hope they're all right, don't you? Otherwise the show will be over! And that means I'll have to go back to working at my father's hardware store... [starts to quiver, then snaps out of it.] I shouldn't worry, though. Tom and Crow are the type of people- excuse me, robots, heh heh- who never say die. They're a real inspiration to us all. Now, let's watch! [Satellite of Love bridge. Crow and Gypsy are seated in two chairs on the far right. Crow is wearing an oversized Flintstones bandaid on the puncture hole in his chest. On the far right, Mike stands, wearing glasses.] CROW: I *said* I was sorry. GYPSY: I'm not talking to you! MIKE: [Jerry Springer] And we're back! Thanks for tuning in, everyone. Today's topic is, "When Love Turns Lethal". Since we couldn't get the Buttafuocos up here, our guests are Tom Servo and Gypsy. Now Crow, you say you're in love with Gypsy. CROW: Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure, yeah. It's hard to tell. MIKE: [Jerry, throughout] Hard to tell? Don't you know? CROW: Hey, I'm a robot. I can't be sure. I mean, I'm just not used to this. MIKE: Okay, what do you love *about* Gypsy? CROW: Well, she... I mean, she... the way that... I don't know, she just... MIKE: So you can't even tell us why you're attracted to her. CROW: It's not like I have a lot of options, okay? GYPSY: So that means *I* have to suffer? CROW: HEY! What's wrong with *me*? GYPSY: I've wondered the same thing myself. You're no Richard Basehart, that's for sure. He *never* would have attacked *his* best friend. MIKE: Right, right, let's get into that for a moment. I understand that you attacked your best friend of six years, Tom Servo, with a Ginsu knife? CROW: Damn straight! He was moving in on my girl! GYPSY: He just wanted to make me dinner! And what do you mean, "your girl"? CROW: Oh, don't be *naive*, Gypsy! He wasn't just being considerate! Believe me, if you only knew the sick, evil thoughts that Tom has... *I'm* just surprised he's managed to keep it inside for so long! GYPSY: I'm going to my room, and I'm staying there until one of you comes to your senses! [rushes off] CROW: Hmph. Dames. MIKE: Why don't we take some questions from the audience now. Yes, ma'am? MAGIC VOICE: Yes, this is for Crow T. Robot. Why did you act like such a jerk? CROW: Hey! I did *not* act like a jerk! MIKE: Cutting your best buddy in half? Sounds pretty jerk-like to me... let's take another question. M.V.: Yeah, the gold one on the left? What makes you think any woman would even be interested in you? CROW: Now hold on!! MIKE: No personal attacks, please- yes, miss. M.V.: Crow, when are you going to grow up? CROW: Can't you ask someone else a question? MIKE: We haven't *got* anyone else. CROW: But she takes Gypsy's side on everything! It's not faaaiiir! M.V.: Us women have to stick together, you know. Especially when confronted with these kinds of attitudes. But if you want someone else, what about Servo? CROW: I do *not* want to talk to Servo. MIKE: Actually, Crow, that brings us to our surprise mystery guest. Yes, here he is, the 'bot you wronged... Tom- [Tom comes rushing in from the left, held together by duct tape, with a spear taped to the top of his head.] TOM: Ha ha! Revenge is mine! Good thing Joel saved that Aboriginal spear! CROW: Lucky I kept my Chinese Throwing Stars! [Tom pecks at Crow for a while with the spear, and Crow flings a few stars at Tom, which bounce off.] TOM: ...This isn't working. MIKE: Guys, of course it's not working. You're robots. You're made of metal. Only the Ginsu and the harpoon gun were powerful enough to do any damage. CROW: I can't believe you threw them in the disposal chute. TOM: Do you know how long it took me to find that harpoon gun? MIKE: Since you can't really hurt each other anymore, don't you think you might as well kiss and make up? CROW: Oh, okay. Tom, I'm sorry for slicing you in half. TOM: I forgive you, Tom. I've come to a realization since then; CROW: Which is? TOM: Gypsy's too silly to be attractive anyway. CROW: Good point. MIKE: And now for my Final Thought. [lights dim (where applicable).] CROW: What the-? MIKE: Love is usually thought of as a beautiful, harmonious thing. Yet so many crimes are committed, supposedly in the name of "passion". But is it love or lust? On the other hand, who are we to judge? Why shouldn't a man do all he can to win his lady fair? Yet doesn't that contribute to an outdated, degrading image of women as passive? But to be fair, there might be plenty of women who would be flattered by this sort of thing... TOM: Uh, Mike? What the hell are you talking about? MIKE: To look at it another way, is this the sort of thing our society ought to tolerate? Or perhaps we're going about this the wrong way, and these men need not our condemnation, but our understanding. Only we must have strong punishments, to deter future crimes of passion. But would they really work? Is the heart too strong to be overcome by reason? Or does the heart really have anything to do with it? CROW: That's it. His mind wandered away, and it isn't coming back. TOM: Can you say *one* thing that isn't open-ended? You know, *conclude* something? MIKE: All I can say is, it doesn't make sense to kill... in the name of "love". I'm Jerry Springer. CROW: Oooh, Jerry, you're so *deep*. [Mads' light flashes] MIKE: [snapping out of it] Oh, look, Geraldo's calling. [pushes button] TOM: Now? What for? [Deep 13.] DR.F: So, I've finally made your little friends homicidal, eh, Nelson? Excellent. This Capt. B. Picard has some real potential. Why, I think I may groom him to become the next... Stephen Ratliff. [SOL] TOM: (falls over.) [D13] DR.F: I just want to make sure that you don't kill each other until the post is over, boobies. I wouldn't want you to miss a minute of the brain-numbing conclusion. It's still as tasteful as a Klingon appetizer, but now it's even sillier. Take that Dramamine I sent you into the theater, Midge, you'll need it. Energize! [SOL] [Lights flash, sirens blare, several elderly viewers faint from the excitement.] ALL: AAAAAAHHH! WE?VE GOT USENET SIGN! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... * [all enter theater.] > X-News: pomona alt.startrek.creative:22007 MIKE: Also known as the Pit of Lost Souls. > From: cptbp...@aol.com (CptBPicard) TOM: [Picard] Music helps you fit in with the crowd... CROW: Mike, he's frightening me! > Subject:New Story: All Hell Breaking Loose 2/2 MIKE: Oh, yeah, didn't the Weekly World News report that not too long ago? There was this volcano, and the cloud looked just like Satan... CROW: That would explain alt.startrek.creative. TOM: Hi, I'm Satan. Enjoy the fanfic. > Date: 7 May 1995 00:47:46 -0400 MIKE: OK, anyone have something funny to say about the date? TOM: Nothing here. CROW: I think it's all been done. MIKE: Let's move on, then. > Message-ID:<3ohjdi$r...@newsbf02.news.aol.com> > DISCLAIMER: PARAMOUNT OWNS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY. MIKE: I don't think he has to worry about copyright infringement. He's mutilated these characters beyond recognition. > THE STORY HOWEVER, IS MINE. IT MAY NOT BE GIVEN OUT FOR COMMERCIAL USE. TOM: I wouldn't let that possiblility keep you up nights. > FEEL FREE TO DISTRIBUTE IT TO FRIENDS AS LONG AS MY NAME STAYS ATTACHED TO IT. TOM: Take his name off if you're sending it to enemies. MIKE: Hmm, Dr. F must not have read this part. CROW: Lucky devil. > This is a story written mostly for P&C fans. There is a sprinkle of R&T > however. CROW: And just a touch of W&D. MIKE: W&D?... Oh, yuck! Crow! Where's my Dramamine? > If you are against these two couples, TOM: Speak now or forever hold your peace. > then I suggest you read part one of > this story, but DO NOT read this part. TOM: Oh, that makes sense! MIKE: If you like Bogart movies, but don't like unhappy endings, may I suggest you watch the first hour of Casablanca? > There is one idea that has been changed a little bit in here that originally > came from the story _A Mind Of Her Own_. TOM: So not only is he swiping someone else's characters... MIKE: ...but he's also swiping from someone else's interpretation of those characters. CROW: Maybe they should retitle the group "alt.startrek.derivative". > PART TWO: CROW: We're in for it. MIKE: Don't be so quick to judge, Crow. Maybe he's improved. > Q paced around the Viridian system with woorie. MIKE: Or not. TOM: Care to make any other bright predictions, Carnac? > Things weren't going the way they were supposed to. That idiotic empath was > ruining everything. When he had infected Red and Beard but, he had known that > Empathic woman and Mon capitaine. He hadn't known that they would come this > close to solving it. CROW: [Q] And if it hadn't been for those pesty kids and their dog- > This crew was very annoying. MIKE: Only the way you write them, Cap'n B. > There had been many times when he should have known exactly what would > happen, and they had slipped through the wheels of fate making him look like > an idiot. TOM: Star Trek, The Wheels of Fate. MIKE: [too-perfect Torgo] mY nAmE iS cApT. b PiCaRd. I tAkE cArE oF tHe PlOt CoNtRiVaNcEs WhIlE gEnE, tHe MaStEr, Is AwAy. CROW: Ewww. Where's *my* Dramamine? > That was when he got the idea. Even if it didn't work, it would still be > loads of fun to watch. CROW: [Sharon Stone] You like to watch, don't you? MIKE: (whispering) We've secretly replaced Capt. Picard's *regular* Earl Grey Tea with Folger's Crystals! Let's see if he notices. TOM: [Picard] Phphbbpptpht! > *************** TOM: So this is the way he's separating paragraphs now. CROW: Much, much simpler than using the tab key, to be sure. > Deanna vanished from the bridge. CROW: Beginning with the tail, and ending with the grin. > For a moment, everyone just looked around in confusion. TOM: [Picard] Do you have here? CROW: [Riker] I thought *you* had her. MIKE: [Crusher] Well, where did you see her last? > Then they all started talking at once. Picard turned to Will and started > blaming him for Deanna's disappearance, TOM: [Picard] You've been watching those David Copperfield specials, haven't you? > Will countered, Beverly stepped in to yell at Jean-Luc for yelling at Will, MIKE: Suddenly we're watching "The McLaughlin Group". > then Worf stepped in and yelled so loudly CROW: For no reason, just to be part of the crowd. > that it was enough to shut everyone up . . . TOM: Where has he *been* all this time? > even Beverly who at times had proven more stubborn then a mule. MIKE: She never did take to carrying those packs on her back. > That was when Q popped onto the bridge just in time to see everyone involved, > including Worf, bring their hands back and let them fly for Q's face. TOM: Wait a minute! They?re going to beat up the omnipotent guy? That?s RIDICULOUS! [starts shaking violently] CROW: Makes sense to me. When rationality fails, mindless violence usually does the trick. MIKE: Slow down, guys... speed bump. > *************** TOM: Wonder what they're for, anyway? MIKE: Yeah, it's not like this story could slow down much further. > Deanna looked around in confusion. Just a moment ago, she had been on the > bridge trying to make Cmdr Riker remember what had happened. Now she was, > she didn't know where she was. CROW: Maybe she blacked out. Trying to force Will to make sense will do that to you. > "Perhaps I can answer your question." MIKE: Answer hazy. Try again later. > The voice that spoke sounded human, but obviously wasn't. TOM: Like that guy from Crash Test Dummies. > "Who are you." Deanna demanded. MIKE: [Troi] And what have you done with our question marks. > "I, am Q." it said. CROW: [Troi] Pleased to meet you, MQ. I, Deanna. > "You have been sent here by mistake, Q is pulling his pranks again. MIKE: What a kidder! Hey, remember he put a big "Kick me" sign on the back of Deep Space Nine? TOM: I'm not sure one would really be necessary. > We will punish him harshly for this. You will be sent back now." Q said. TOM: Wait a minute. Why would Q punish Q? CROW: No, MQ is punishing Q. TOM: But it said Q said Q is punishing Q. Where's MQ? MIKE: Not "Where *am* Q", "Where *is* Q". TOM: Who's SQ? CROW: So we've got SQ & MQ? MIKE: Don't even touch that one, Crow. TOM: I've heard of HQ, but what's SQ? CROW: I think this entire story is askew. TOM: Oh, you're no help. Mike, I ask you- CROW: No, he, SQ. You, Servo. TOM: AAAAAAARGH! [head starts smoking] MIKE: Uh-oh. I think that's our cue to stop. CROW: Who's RQ? MIKE: [clamps Crow's beak shut.] > Before Deanna had a chance to say thank you, she was back on the Enterprise. MIKE: (prim) Be sure to write a nice thank-you note, right away. > *************** TOM: [Minnewiegan] Oh, Virginia, you always keep your flower bed looking so tidy. What's your secret? MIKE: [Minnewiegan] I surround it with plenty of fertilizer. Speaking of which, the story's starting again. > Q woke up on the floor of the bridge. No one had bothered to put him > someplace else. CROW: [Jimmy Durante] Everybody's gotta be *some*place. > Councilor Troi was there. MIKE: With a big "Return to Sender" stamp on her forehead. > He had been out for little more then thirty seconds. His plan was failing. MIKE: That's got to be a new world record for a plan failing. CROW: He should try using a twenty-four hour plan. They offer you protection all day long! TOM: Or he could take a hint from Stalin and try a five-year plan. > There was only one way to make this work. MIKE: [Pinky] But isn't Regis Philbin already married? > Deanna and Beverly both disappeared from the bridge > and reappeared on the forward view screen. They were both hanging by > their arms in a dark chamber. TOM: Well, it's the 24th century- I guess there aren't any railroad tracks for Q to tie them to. > A person walked over to both of them. He took a little knife out and began > to move the knife back and forth between them. TOM: Maybe this guy is a plastic surgeon. MIKE: How would that help to break up Jean-Luc & Bev, or Will & Deanna? CROW: Maybe he's going to make them both look like Earnest Borgnine. MIKE: [chug-a-lugs Dramamine] I'm sorry I asked... > He would take the point of the knife and stab them just enough so > that it would draw blood and hurt like crazy. MIKE: Boy, the Red Cross must be hard up. > They were both screaming. CROW: In delight. MIKE: (singing) Oh, I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, But much more for the touch of your... whips, dear! You can raise welts... like nooo-body else! As we dance to the Masochism Tango! CROW: Hey, he's learning! > Jean-Luc and Will both jumped up at the same time. "Deanna!!!" Will yelled. > "Beverly!!!" Jean-Luc yelled. MIKE: Stella!!! CROW: Adrian!!! TOM: McCloud!!! > Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at once. TOM: Mike, I think you might have wired my optical sensors wrong when you patched me up. Could you repeat that last sentence for me? MIKE: Sure. "Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at once." TOM: Oh geez. That's what I thought it said. [begins to shake, smoke pours from head] MIKE: There, there. Don't worry, we?ll take a break soon. > They both jumped up and ran for the Turbolift. "Shuttle bay." they said at > the same time. MIKE: [Riker] Buy me a Coke! CROW: Sure, I'd love a root beer. TOM: That's evil! > "Q, where are they?!?" They yelled. For some reason, Q gave them > coordinates. CROW: Just any old coordinates. That kooky Q! TOM: Let me make sure I have this straight. Q decided to torture Bev and Troi, just to bug Jean-Luc and Will. MIKE: Well, yes, but- TOM: Then, thinking without thinking, they asked him where Bev and Troi were, and for a reason not even the author can fathom, he *told* them. MIKE: Er, yes. Look, Tom, it's just a fanfic- TOM: [head explodes] MIKE: Damn! And after all my hard work earlier, too! CROW: Let's get him out before the damage gets worse. > *************** MIKE: My sentiments exactly. [all leave theater, and we go to Commercials!] [Be Young! Have Fun! Drink Pepsi! (PepsiCo. does not guarantee that proper application of this product will result in a feeling of euphoria. If you drink Pepsi and find yourself in the same age and mood, PepsiCo. is not liable.)] [back on the SOL bridge.] CROW: ... and as for grammar and spelling, I think Cap'n B. wins hands down. TOM: I'd say they're both equally bad. CROW: Let me put it this way. How did Ratliff spell lieutenant? TOM: "Lueitenant". CROW: Just a touch of dyslexia. And how does Cap'n B. spell it? TOM: Er, "lutenist". CROW: You have to give him extra credit for creativity. TOM: True, but this at least has a little action in it. It doesn't just stick to Star Trek cliches. CROW: Or anything else having to do with Star Trek, either. [Mike enters.] MIKE: Hey, it looks like you guys really have made up. TOM: Yup, we found that some things are more important than any silly old dispute. MIKE: Like friendship? CROW: Like revenge!! TOM: Here, lemme show you what we programmed! [Crow sits down at computer screen.] CROW: We call it- the Apocalypse Chip. Sounds neat, don't it? TOM: We rigged it so that it?s like Doom! And for every level you win, another misguided newsgroup dies! MIKE: Who are all those guys in army fatigues? CROW: I'm doing alt.conspiracy at the moment. And those grey pale-skinned guys with the big eyes are crossposts from alt.alien.visitors. Ha- NAILED ya! TOM: Eventually we get to the Cyberdemon, John_-_Winston. CROW: Here, let me skip to the alt.startrek.creative level for a sec. MIKE: So all those redshirts are the regular posters? TOM: Right, Cap't B. is another Cyberdemon, and Ratliff is... where's Ratliff? CROW: Oh, geez! There he is! TOM: (gasp) The Icon of Sin! Run away! CROW: Anyhow, we'll get back to that. [lights flash, sirens blare, for what else could they do?] ALL: AAAAHHH! USENET SIGN! AGAIN! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... * [all enter theater.] > They both hopped into the shuttle Christopher. Jean-Luc took the pilots seat > and will took the seat next to him. MIKE: [Riker] Hey, how come *I* never get to drive? TOM: [Picard] Oh, shut up! > They both started giving readouts and before they knew it CROW: Riker sunk Picard's battleship! > they were speeding > through space and only a couple of minutes from saving the lives of the loves > of their lives. ALL: ...of their loves of their lives of their loves. > They both walked into the chamber. Jean-Luc tapped the torturers shoulder. TOM: [Picard] Reject or accept? CROW: I accept! Oh, God, I accept! > He turned around -- and he never saw Wills fist coming. MIKE: Mentos- The Freshmaker! > They both ran over and undid the ropes. CROW: Though Riker considered leaving them up for just a little while- MIKE: Normally I'd reprimand you, but I can't help but wonder if the author didn't have the same thing in mind. > Jean-Luc caught Beverly and Will caught Deanna. Neither of them even stopped > to think about why they had changed their minds about who they loved. CROW: "Once again, acting without thinking..." > *************** TOM: Ooh, look, right next to the Big Dipper, it's the Big Knife. > Jean-Luc and Will had to get Deanna and Beverly to Sickbay. They were so > worked up that they forgot the transporters and carried the ladies while > running all the way to Sickbay. MIKE: Don't tell me. Let me guess. They weren't thinking. > They were both in pretty bad shape themselves. CROW: Especially Will. Have you seen his waist lately? > When they had retrieved Deanna and Beverly and had them in the shuttle, ships > had started attacking them. CROW: [too-perfect Dr. Forrester] Anything happen while I was gone, Data? TOM: [Frank] Oh, not much... bills arrived, I swept the floor, unknown ships decided to attack the Enterprise... CROW: [Dr. F] Oh, that's... they WHAT? > As soon as Deanna and Beverly were on biobeds, Will and Jean-Luc turned to > leave, but Doctor Selar beat them to the door and before they knew it, they > were out like a light. MIKE: [ominous] Under the Clinton Health Plan, bureaucrats will DRUG taxpayers and FORCE them to receive UNWANTED MEDICAL CARE! > *************** MIKE: (singing) You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard! > When they woke up, they didn't remember anything except seeing Deanna and > Beverly being tortured and rescuing them. TOM: I guess they also forgot about those ships attacking the Enterprise. MIKE: Apparently, so did the author. CROW: There are ships attacking the Enterprise? > *************** TOM: Now he's doing it after every sentence! MIKE: It's a great way to pad the script. > Deanna walked into Wills quarters on invitation to dinner. "Deanna, you > look wonderful." Will said. His voice was filled with love. CROW: We've always known Riker was full of it. MIKE: Why do I even bother? > Deanna smiled shyly. She walked over to the table and sat down. She knew > that Will had things on his mind, but they were well hidden. CROW: By the thickness of his skull. > She had to admit that he looked great also. He had done his hair so that it > would look stylish, rugged, and just a little bit messy. MIKE: Actually, he just didn't wash it. > He had his hair neatly combed and brushed to the side with a lock of hair > hanging down. TOM: A spitcurl! CROW: Mr. Riker's hair by TV's Francis of Hollywood. > His blue eyes looked so intense that she could swear they were actually > penetrating her soul. CROW: Close, they were penetrating her blouse. MIKE: Sigh... CROW: Oh, look, that could have been *much* worse! > They ate dinner with small talk, MIKE: Better than using their hands, I suppose. > but when dinner was over, Will knew he > couldn't avoid it anymore. TOM: The check? > Deanna knew he loved her, CROW: After all, he'd *said* so, right? > but he had to say this anyway. They sat down on the couch. "Deanna, when I > saw you in that room -- something in me snapped. MIKE: [Riker] Now they're sending me to Starfleet Psychiatric Hospital. > It was like I was programmed to rescue you. I didn't have to think about it. CROW: Good thing, too. MIKE: All together now; ALL: ONCE AGAIN, ACTING BEFORE THINKING... > I couldn't let them do that to you." Will finished. > *Imzadi* he sent > *I understand* she sent back. MIKE: *Would you explain it to us?* > Their lips met for a kiss that was filled with love. CROW: We've always known that Riker- TOM: You *did* that joke, dickweed. CROW: If the author can repeat himself, so can I. > *************** MIKE: Police line: Do Not Cross. > Beverly looked across the table at Jean-Luc. He was thinking about > something. TOM: In *this* fanfic? Something's WRONG! > "Alright Jean-Luc, spill it." she demanded. MIKE: So he did. All over his crotch. TOM: [Picard] Tea! Earl Grey! HOOOOT! CROW: And after suffering third-degree burns, he sued Ten-Forward and won a million dollars! > He looked up at her with innocent eyes. TOM: [Picard] Moi? > "Don't give me that $questions about little old me?' look. I don't need to be an empath to know you're thinking about something." CROW: Heck, from all accounts, you don't need to be an empath to know *anything*. > Jean-Luc sighed. It was time to give in. ALL: [monotone] Resistance is futile. > He led her to the couch and say her down. "Beverly, I've been thinking a lot > about my feelings when I saw you on the view screen. TOM: [Picard] I found myself repelled- yet strangely excited! > I know you already said no, but I'm asking again. MIKE: Doesn't he realize that no *means* no? > Beverly, I'd really appreciate it if you would consider going out with me > again." TOM: [Picard] Please don't make me beg. > Beverly drew her breath in. She was still unsure of Jean-Lucs real feelings > towards her. MIKE: So are we! Why *are* these people *attracted* to each other? > She wanted to say yes so much it startled her. More then anything in the > world she wanted to throw her arms around him and give him a kiss. CROW: It's easier than trying to carry on meaningful dialogue. > But she couldn't until she was sure of his feelings. TOM: She'll be waiting until she's old and grey, in *this* fanfic... > "I'm sorry, but I have to say no." Her voice was filled with regret. MIKE: And a creamy center! > She got up to leave and was halfway in the hall When Jean-Luc spoke. "But I > love you." MIKE: [Crusher] Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? How's Thursday for you? > His voice was so sincere. CROW: In fact... ALL: [monotone] his voice was filled with love. > She turned around to look at him. "Yes." was all she said. And with that > one word, her life took a glorious change for the better. > --------------------ABOUT ONE YEAR LATER-------------------- CROW: It's been a whole *year*? MIKE: No, it only feels like it. > Jean-Luc and Will were sitting on the bridge together when suddenly, TOM: Will jumped. MIKE: That was morbid, Tom. CROW: Not to mention an awful pun. > Jean-Lucs face lit up. CROW: See, there was a short-out in his armrest control panel... > Deanna and Beverly were both on the bridge. TOM: Why? What could they do? MIKE: Hey, if they can have 25 ensigns just hanging around... > "Will, can I see you for a minute?" Jean-Luc asked. "Certainly Jean-Luc." > Their friendship had escalated to the point where they no longer felt as if > they were officers together. CROW: In fact, they'd forgotten about their jobs entirely. > They were friends. They walked into his ready room and Jean-Luc pulled Will > in. "Computer, lock door. Code Picard three three three, alpha two." TOM: Hey, now Riker can open his door without having to wake up Worf. > Once the computer told him that his instructions had been carried out, he > turned to Will. > "Will, do you love Deanna?" he asked. MIKE: [Riker] Deanna who? > "Jean-Luc you know I do." he answered. > "Alright then, I love Beverly, and this is what we're going to do." TOM: [Picard] We're going to put on the best darn show this ship has ever seen! > *************** CROW: Well. It's... a row of asterisks. MIKE: Indeed. That it is. > Deanna and Beverly were both talking about their dates the previous night CROW: [Troi] Will's so infuriating! With him, it's nothing but sex, morning, noon, and night! What did you two do? TOM: [Crusher] Er, we sat around, and drank tea. CROW: [Troi] See, I envy that. > when the forward view screen came to life. They both looked up and were > surprised to see Jean-Luc on it. *I wonder what this is about* they both > thought. "Beverly Crusher," he began. "You are the sun, the wind, TOM: She just is. She's the wind, baby! > and the > rain that flowers my soul. CROW: So his soul is dirt? > I love you more then life itself." > Jean-Luc produced a box and Deanna whispered to Beverly "Beverly, I sense > from him that the ring he's holding is very valuable and a family airloom." MIKE: [Troi] I also sense that he's attracted to you. TOM: Thank you, Troi, Mistress of the Obvious. > Jean-Luc continued. "Will you marry me?" Silence, there was silence over > the entire bridge. TOM: Whoo-ee! Been a long time since I heard some good silence! I- CROW: That joke is *really* getting old now. Beverly sat wide eyed, her face was total shock. CROW: You see, there was a short-out in... TOM: Oh, and that joke isn't? CROW: I'm exhausted. Bite me. > She looked into those eyes that belonged the person she loved so dearly, > answer was clear. "Yes, I will." she said. TOM: [Crusher] You *are* sure that ring is valuable, aren't you, Deanna? > The whole bridge erupted in applause and cheering. ALL: The story's wrapping up! The story's wrapping up! > Jean-Luc and Will emerged from the ready room and he walked over to Beverly. > His entire face was a smile. They met halfway. Jean-Luc picked her up and > swung her around. MIKE: (singing) Swing your partner, do-si-do, Try not to mind that the story's slow. CROW: (singing) See the partners hug and kiss, Why they're in love is anyone's guess. TOM: (singing) But we don't mind that it makes no sense, 'Cause we're havin' fun at the author's expense! ALL: Now promenade! > He set her down and kissed her. He then picked her up again and carried her > all the way to her quarters where they engaged TOM: [Picard] Engage! > in the one thing the bridge > crew couldn't watch. . . MIKE: Backgammon? CROW: Satanic ritual? TOM: Mocking ST:Voyager? > *************** TOM: These bars really break up the flow of the story. MIKE: You call this flow? CROW: You call this a story? > Deanna sat in Ten Forward talking to Beverly about wedding plans. MIKE: [Troi] We'll have to do it quick, before the baby arrives. > They were so engaged in conversation that they didn't here the first crackle > as the ships intercom came to life, they did here the second. "Attention all > crew members. This is Cmdr Riker. This is not a drill, I repeat this is > not a drill." CROW: [Riker] There is a cheezy happy ending off the starboard bow. Lavender Alert. > Deanna and Beverly assumed this was red alert so they got > up to go to their stations. "Do not move." Will said over the speaker. TOM: Made ya look! MIKE: [Riker] All right, everyone be cool, this is a PROPOSAL! CROW: [Picard, but screechy] If any of you pigs so much as frackin' MOVE, then I'm gonna phaser every last motherfrackin' one of you! > Deanna and Beverly sat back down. "As many of you know, Councilor Troi > and I have been dating for a very long time. I have a message for her. > Deanna, I dream of a universe where the stars are your eyes and the Galaxy > worships them. TOM: [Riker] Where copious sacrifices are made in your name... when all the races of the universe are yours to command!! > But I know that is not possible because you are so lovely that no force in > this universe could create something as perfect as you again. CROW: Hey, there's always silicone. MIKE: Someone's about to lose a RAMchip... > Imzadi, you are so fair and beautiful, and so deep in love am I, > that I will always love the, until the deepest see goes dry. TOM: Hold it, hold it! I thought *he* was "Imzadi"! MIKE: So he will always love himself? CROW: That sounds about right. > Deanna, I met you on Betazed seventeen years ago. The first thing I thought > when I first layed eyes on you CROW: Whoa! Hey! That's explicit! TOM: It says "eyes", dickweed! > was; $My God she's gorgeous.' and the second, > was; CROW: [Riker] Are those real? MIKE: All right, that's it! No RAMchip! CROW: [Riker] ...those stirrings of love that I feel deep in my heart? TOM: [whistles appreciatively] Niiiice recovery. $There is such a thing as love at first sight.' We broke up. And when I saw you again on the Enterprise, I felt as if I was going home. As time went on, we got to be friends and officers MIKE: [Riker] ...and gentlemen... CROW: [Troi] Speak for yourself! > together, but I remember six months ago, when we were having dinner. You > were talking about your mother, but I wasn't listening. MIKE: [Riker] You know how you blather on. I just tune it right out. TOM: So that's why they call him "Mr. Tact". > I looked up into your eyes and I thought to myself; $Some day, I'm going to > marry her.' And I will. CROW: [Riker] Whether you like it or not! > Deanna, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Will you marry me?" Guinan walked > over to Deanna and whispered "You know you love him." then quietly walked > away. MIKE: Let have a hand for the inimitable Whoopi Goldberg, everyone! BOTS: (whooping) MIKE: She'll be here all week. Enjoy the buffet. > She did love him. Deanna tapped her comm badge. She tapped in so honored." > She said. > "YES!!!" came Wills voice, but it wasn't over her badge. She walked over > to the bar, then behind it. Will was crouched there. TOM: Prepared to slink away unnoticed in case she said "No", I guess. > He stood up and without a word kissed Deanna and at the same time his fist > shot up triumphantly. MIKE: [Riker] All right! I scored! BOTS: Dude! Rock on! > ************************************************************************ CROW: Hey! The bars are growing! TOM: They're like kudzu! Soon, they'll be everywhere! > They had decided to get married at the same time. MIKE: Mawwidge. Mawwidge is what bwings us togeddah... TOM: [Picard] The short version, if you could. > Thought it would be better to be with their friends. TOM: About those sentence fragments. > The grooms kissed their brides making them officially married. CROW: I thought there also had to be an oath, and stuff. MIKE: That got edited out, I guess. > Even as Q watched, he couldn't help but let that one tear fall down his > cheek. CROW: [Q] I always... (sniff)... cry... at weddings! (bawls) > He wiped it away. Dam his human ancestry anyway. . . . . . . MIKE: It's over! CROW: Praise the Lord! [exeunt.] 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... * [back at the SOL bridge.] TOM: That does it! I've had it! We must have our revenge! Crow, fire up the Apocalypse Chip and let's destroy alt.startrek.creative! CROW: Right. [sits down at computer] I just have to plow through these redshirts to find the... wait a minute. TOM: What? CROW: Did you choose nightmare level? TOM: Of course not. Why? CROW: I think they?re respawning. TOM: They *can't* be respawning. CROW: But they are. I flame them, and they just keep coming back. TOM: Try a different weapon. CROW: (pause) Mailbombs aren't helping either. TOM: Well, try the BFG if you have to! CROW: (pause) No good. They all just got their accounts reinstated. TOM: Damn it! Damn it! It's- WATCH OUT! TO YOUR LEFT! CROW: What? Where? TOM: MARRISSA FLORES! CROW: LET ME OUT OF... ouch. TOM: Wow. You're bouncing all the way down the steps. CROW: Geez, she doesn't *miss*, does she? [Mads' light flashes.] TOM: Say, the Lord of Hell is calling. CROW: MIKE! GET IN HERE! [Mike enters, presses button.] [D13] DR.F: So, trying to sabotage the newsgroups, eh? Well, forget it! You have no idea how resilient net.creeps are. You can't stop the information! [SOL] TOM: WHY YOU NO-GOOD- MIKE: Guys, I hate to say it, but he has a point. Capt. B Picard has a right to post just as much as anyone else does. CROW: But he's awful! MIKE: That doesn't matter. It?s a First Amendment issue. TOM: You mean, Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor?s Oxen, or whatever that was? MIKE: Not quite. It?s just that if we were to stop him from posting, then anyone else could do the same to *their* enemies. BOTS: Ohhh. CROW: Do we at least have the right to mock the sawdust out of him? MIKE: Well, sure, yeah. BOTS: Yay! TOM: C'mon, let's e-mail him right now! Give him what for! CROW: Yeah, I have some questions about his ancestry... [Bots rush off to computer.] [D13] DR.F: [looking greenish] I really can't stand it when you make those little inspirational speeches, Melvin. Send me down your leftover Dramamine. [SOL] MIKE: Leftover? I haven't got any left over. I needed it all for that post. [D13] DR.F: ALL of it? I sent you five bottles! I'm going to (ulk) get you for this, Monty... [runs off screen with hand cupped over mouth, runs back on, pushes button, and runs off again.] vsssssssssshPOIT! [fade out to MUT Hour set. And once again, here?s Jack.] JACK: That was beautiful, wasn't it? It?s nice to see a good old-fashioned love story nowadays. I'd say this ranks right up there with "Gone With the Wind". Except, of course (heh heh), "Gone With the Wind" wasn't set in the 24th century. Wouldn't it be crazy if it was, though? Think of how differently the Civil War would have gone if everyone had phasers. It sure is food for thought. And then you could have the South fight the Klingons! And... [A producer walks up to Jack, and whacks him onna head with a frying pan. The lights go dark, and the producer stuffs Jack into a crate, seals it, and wheels him off to be kept in cold storage until the next episode.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MOST OF IT: Chris Ekman ADDITIONAL JOKES USUALLY BY: Ken Applebaum PUBLIC OPINIONS UPHOLSTERER: Paul Murky, of Murky Research STAFF COUNCELLOR: Kay Sera, who's now married to Frank Sera... ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE: William Shakespeare HOTEL BILL: Gilbert Harding SPECIAL THANKS TO: The authors of the First Amendment Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on the author, Capt. B Picard. We mean him no malice, no injury, no... OH, YES WE DO! WE WISH HIM ALL THE PAIN THERE IS! I WANT TO SHOVE HIM INTO A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF PORCUPINES! I,.s;#"JB Hi, kids, this is Ken. Please excuse my steaming compatriot- he's been under a lot of stress. > Without thinking, they both thought of the exact same thing at once.